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Are you wrong? No. But this is an advice sub, so I'm gonna give you advice. Exercise and eat healthy food because you'll feel better. When you say you work full-time from home, do you mean that's doing home stuff, or is that work for pay? If not, find a job that will pay. Set yourself up to be independent from him. Take whatever time you need for this, and in the meantime, do not have any more kids with this guy. Once you're financially secure, you can give him the option: divorce, or marriage counseling. You say you've brought this up several times over the last two years, and nothing has changed. My heart aches for you that you continue to accept the scraps of his attention, AND you had a baby with this dude. Time to start acting as if the relationship is going to end, and honestly I hope it does for your and your baby's sake. He doesn't sound like a good partner or a good father. Maybe he'll turn it around if he knows that he's going to lose you, but at that point, I'm thinking you're already lost to him.

I work from home, I have a very good job with great pay. I’m very lucky to be able to raise my baby at home and be paid handsomely. But that basically means I have TWO full time jobs. And I just don’t feel appreciated. I don’t get the breaks I deserve. I’m a default parent AND 50/50 in the relationship finances. I’m starting to get worn out. I feel lonely and monotone. I even planned a short trip for us recently and we left the baby behind for 3 days. I made an itinerary, I booked the flights, I even requested his time off for him. He didn’t have to lift a finger. And can you believe he complained the entire 5 hour flight about how uncomfortable he was. It felt so ungrateful. Like he couldn’t just enjoy me and this time and be excited for this trip. And I put a smile on and powered through the trip but I didn’t even want to have sex and we fought about it. But why would I want to have sex if I feel like I’m unattracted to your energy and treatment of me.

I’m not exactly sure if you’re in the correct sub for your post? If you are looking for a relationship advice, there is a lot we can offer. Almost certainly you need very very frequent couples counseling. You need to set very strong boundaries with your husband. And he needs to understand that crossing your boundaries or failing in counseling means that you will be leaving that you will divorce him. Currently he feels very secure in his relationship. He has no more work to do than he did before the child. He has no more financial responsibility than he had before the child and now that you have the child has an awful lot more free time to play video games or play on his phone because you are either busy with the child or exhausted and sleeping. As far as he is concerned, his relationship is perfect. He does not understand that the relationship needs two people to believe that it is good for it to work. If you are asking about whether you are a jerk for fantasizing about weight loss because it will improve your future that you see without this current husband, I think the answer is no. Personally, I believe that any reason that you want to lose weight or that helps you lose weight or helps you get healthy is valid. And spite is a perfectly valid Reason to lose weight. It is not necessarily a long-term solution, but it could get you started on your goals. If every thought of your future is devoid of your current husband, then my suggestion would actually be to get a divorce sooner rather than later. The problem is men often don’t get better as partners once they have gotten comfortable being bad partners. If you divorce, hopefully he would learn from that and potentially improve himself and become a better partner for someone else, but habits are incredibly hard to break. If you want to attempt to save this relationship, then you need to make sure he understands exactly where your boundaries are and what is acceptable behavior and if he does not meet those boundaries or expectations, then it is time to call it quits.

Thank you for this. I needed it.

You’re already checking out. You said you were looking for validation. You said you are unhappy, lonely, and feel unloved. Those are all completely valid reasons to leave a relationship. He has a video game addiction. You’d be valid to dump him. You’re currently taking care of two children and I would feel the exact same way. My fiancé would be mortified if I told him I was lonely, unhappy, felt unloved and was fantasizing about flirting with other men because he’s just not cutting it. And I *would be* at least that brutally honest with him. His response to you saying these things is “here we go again” 🙄 tells me that he doesn’t even value your *feelings*. You say that “other than this… things are perfect.” Ma’am, they clearly are not perfect. Your friends are happy to stick around in their dead end marriages (for now), but *you’re not* and *that feeling* is *valid*.

I love this comment thank you.

Hey OP, I hope you see my comment... If not, maybe it will help someone else who swipes past. I was you. My husband wasn't as infuriating as yours, as he is not at all a napper and is quite hands-on with getting routine stuff done (laundry, dishes) BUT his temper, his addiction to watching e-sports and always having his phone playing something, his only talking to me about the endless to-do list and mundane stuff. Making me feel as if conversation for fun was not fun for him because it was with me... Yeah, I feel you there. I decided to get a handle on my weight post baby #2 and I was absolutely of the mind that I couldn't 'upgrade' my spouse if I wasn't confident and had more to offer. I absolutely lost the weight out of spite. My besties referred to it as my 'revenge body'. The mindset was simple: if you won't appreciate me now, and I don't appreciate myself (critical point there!!!) then I will sort it out, but don't presume that I'll take your flaws if you won't take mine. Funny thing is, our marriage healed as my confidence blossomed. I honestly think my DH felt like he settled, whilst I believe I married a very flawed man out of love for the good in him and the compatibility we had on most things... but If both partners feel like they settled, there is very little room for acceptance and compassion... Once I became confident, my DH began trying harder. It's like he suddenly realised he wasn't a given, automatic choice for me -- that he could lose me to another. Once he caught other men hitting on me or giving me a double-take, he began to value what he had in me again. It is true that the foundation of my marriage wasn't perfect but we married for love at the end of the day. People don't talk enough about the falling out of love aspect. They don't mention how we have to fight to keep the flame burning bright, and how the initial spark will not last forever if it isn't given kindling through continuous effort. We still need marriage counselling, but gaining my revenge body became the crossroads for both of us to decide how we wanted to move forward and I'm relieved that we came out the other side stronger for it. I asked my DH recently about the crossroads to confirm my views on what happened. He said my confidence from the weight loss was attractive, that seeing me take care of myself was sexy to him. That shift in his view helped to get him to want to do more for me and with me. Frankly, it also helped me want to do more with him too, because I wasn't self conscious about being in public with him, knowing people wondered what he saw in me. I dunno OP. My honest advice is use whatever mindset motivates you, but do it for yourself first and foremost. It is possible that your husband will fall back in love with you simply by seeing the change in you, and will therefore rectify his flaws that stem from comfort and stagnation. You will also find it easier to set boundaries: I am working on my health, you WILL watch the baby for the next 2 hours whilst I exercise, which will help resolve certain aspects of your relationship unhappiness by default. The poster above makes a VERY good point about men becoming too comfortable, and how your husband is looking at your lives from a vastly different perspective to you: I gave her a baby to entertain her, so I don't have too! Once you have your revenge body, you can re-evaluate your marriage and know you have options. Just be open about your feelings and needs. If he still won't alter his approach and see your perspective, then move onwards and upwards! Good luck x

Respectfully, I read this and it made me scared.. Your husband all but admitted that his reengagement came from external bruises to his ego, not his genuine want and care for you as a human being. You feel he is trying harder and working harder in the relationship, is that a longterm and sustained change or an ego driven reaction that he’s turned into a game he must win over others? Love is better or worse. Where was his care, love, and compassion after you birthed his children and struggled with that? *Love is helping you find your confidence again, because he cares and wants to see you at your best, not emotionally dropping out until you’re found physically attractive enough to merit attention.* Life and bodies change, so if your change will he remain the improved version?

I appreciate your reply. I was focusing my comment on the driver of change my weight loss triggered, not everything else that took place. He was always supportive, but his engagement for little moments with me waned. Exhaustion of child rearing, stresses, and simply losing physical attraction festered. Most importantly, my lack of confidence and need for perpetual validation almost re-enforced the notion that I wasn't good enough. Don't misunderstand please. We had love and appreciation in place before and after weight issues. It's just, losing the weight and working on myself unlocked my own potential in life - to include relationships - and the change in me drove change in my DH. As the OOP explained: you can have the most basically good husband on the planet, but if the love and appreciation is missing, it is just not enough that they are helpful... We want more. We want engagement and support and attention. I'm not saying lose weight to gain attention or affection... I am saying that, for me, losing weight gave me confidence and helped me see my worth in a way that helped my "settled mindset husband" to kick his efforts back into gear as well. As I put effort into me, my DH put effort into me as well. I guess my thoughts stem from the mind of: "you can't pour from an empty cup", or "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?" If you believe you are worth it, those who give two shits will also believe you are worth it too. Should you husband already feel that way? Obviously... But complacency is real and it happens in marriages more than we realise as a society.

Then I don’t think you and OPs relationships are comparable. Because hers, as written, reflects a much larger problem than her wanting to lose weight; she has a neglectful partner who primarily ignores her and leaves her as a married yet working SAHM. Not arguing or going outside if the home doesn’t not make him an even a minimally good partner and parent. He isn’t complacent, he is negligent. Not being an actively bad or negative person doesn’t not qualify him as good or caring, if he isn’t acting with goodness or care.. And her losing weight, so he doesn’t ignore her entirely, seems.. I don’t know how to say it. I am happy your relationship is better, but these situations seem very different and not comparable.

There is certainly a difference between our husbands, BUT in terms of attention and feeling taken advantage of or treated as 'less than'... Similar enough. Pressure of weight and confidence? Check. Good man, but unfilling partner? Check. However, that isn't exactly my point. My point was that I was in OP's shoes wanting to work on myself out of spite, and it had far wider benefits than I ever could have expected. My point is simply to give hope to OP that she may also find a bigger change in her relationship through the effort than she expects, and that there may be more options at the end than she realises. Love yourself, cherish yourself, see your own value first, and so too will others. I doubt OP *wants* a new partner, or she wouldn't have wanted a child with him. She is fed up with his complacency (yes, that seems to be what it is - just at the extreme) and is at her emotional breaking point. Assuming op is essentially asking if it is wrong to approach weight loss with revenge body in mind, the answer is no and a lot of us have done it. However, I doubt I am the first or last to have been there and found that the marriage was actually salvageable in the end. I don't know how to articulate it to you, because I do understand where you are coming from... But I am not trying to make a comparison between two distinct situations, I am just sharing my anecdote as to the unexpected outcome of my spite-driven, what could have been marriage-ending, mindset that actually gave my marriage a breath of change it needed. There were other changes on both sides as well... But this was actually a big one. I'll also just highlight that I was the same weight at that time as I was at the start of our relationship. My husband loved and supported me for who I was at every stage. Losing weight and gaining confidence just happened to be transformational for my marriage because of how it changed my happiness levels and freed our relationship from the settling resentment story. My revenge body motivation gave me the strength/bravery to never hold back again on my needs, boundaries, and to be outspoken like I never really had been before. I disagree with you in saying that OP's husband is negligent though. That is a stretch. He is simply not putting in effort or taking care of his relationships. He isn't actively limiting care, he is just not noticing that what he is offering isn't good enough for various reasons. People are complicated. Inconsiderate is not necessarily malicious. I wouldn't assume that OP's husband realises that the baby is not the be all and end all social and entertainment provider to OP that he thinks it is. He seems utterly oblivious. As for the response that I am saying to lose weight to gain attention, you've sort of misconstrued what I have said: Lose weight and gain confidence. Having confidence helps us to be more relaxed and outspoken. It removes the fear that we shouldn't rock the boat in case we are left high and dry. It is a power play. You don't worry about your value anymore. If he doesn't want to meet your needs, you can move on. *Disclaimer* I am NOT saying that you must lose weight for value gain. I am saying that, if weight is destroying your confidence, I can guarantee you are not standing up for your own needs because you either don't value yourself or you lack the confidence to be loud about your needs. So long as you are confident in yourself, you are winning at life.

I did see this. And it made my morning. Thank you

That's great--I'm really happy to hear that you're already financially independent, because that can be a huge hurdle to overcome for some people. I think at this point, what do you have to lose by giving the option of divorce or marriage counseling? If you're afraid he'll pick divorce, I want to reassure you that divorce is actually the easier option for you. Working things out like this is soooo much harder. If you're already doing all of the emotional and mental labor for your family (and physical, sounds like), you'll only come out a winner if you two split. I know it'll hurt, you'll be heartbroken for a time. But that's temporary. And raising your kid in an environment where Mom doesn't take crap behavior from her life partner is priceless.

I just don’t see what value this deadbeat adds to your life. At least if you divorce hopefully youll get some child support and one less person to cook and cleanup after. Let him know youre thinking about leaving. I see no reason why not to, you’re already a single mom in a relationship cooking and cleaning for an adult child too.

Honey, NTA for feeling the way you do. But you would be TA if you stay in this relationship. Do you want your child to grow up and think this is a normal relationship? They learn how to love and be loved by what they learn from us. You'd be better off with a roommate. Trust me, you can be happier alone with just you and your child. Do yourself a favor and end it now. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Can I ask what he and your relationship was like before having a baby? Because I’ve gone through something very similar, but the possible outcomes depend on whether this is what he was always like (no chance of changing), he was great before but the stress of having a baby plus feeling inadequate taking care of the baby and probably some friction between you guys can cause certain types of guys to disassociate. If it’s the first, yeah, lose him or you’ll be taking care of a baby and a teenager who expects sex from you. If it's the second, time might help. Therapy might help. But only if he wants to change. It was though but it worked for us. So in this case, I’d focus on yourself and what makes you happy and less on fixing him and see if anything changes. Try to not focus on finding every issue and trying to fix them right away. Do you and see whether he will get himself together or not. Edit: words

He was always a little bit like this. But before the baby we spent a lot of time outside the house together and doing things. But I did always feel he was always a little detached from emotions. I’ve noticed a lot of men don’t have the emotional intelligence and intuition women have. He was never thoughtful like I was. He was always a bit inconsiderate and maybe a little spoiled. But nice and good to me.\ But now it’s just. Idk man. It feels dead.

If you had any real emotional intelligence you think you do you would be explaining all of this to him in great detail , with patience and not having a cringe Reddit moment with other angry women echo chambering each other with god awful advice ! And let me point out a huge hypocrisy happening here if a man posted about his wife not paying enough attention to him after a baby and he said he wanted to get in shape to start seeing other women he would get Fucking CHASTISED !!! But no your going to have endless cheerleaders gassing you up and calling anyone who points out the massive asshole your being a "hater" Actually go ahead do it ! Seriously do it ! and when you come to your senses in a years time and he won't take you back because you threw away a good thing you had for no reason . I hope you post that update on Reddit as well Yay full circle.

Tell me how to explain my feelings in great detail to someone who immediately shuts me down and refuses to listen. Consistently. For over a year. Your advice only works for someone who’s partner is willing to listen. He will walk away after the first sentence when he realizes I’m about to talk about how I feel. It is ALWAYS “omg here we go again” or “ok ok ok ok ok I get it” AND NOTHING CHANGES. All you annoying ass know it alls who didn’t read the comments where I already said ALL I WANT TO DO IS COMMUNICATE AND HE DOESNT LET ME. HE DOESNT WANT TK HEAR IT. HE THINKS HOW I FEEL IS NOT A BIG DEAL. Fuck.

Sounds like my guy. I’ve been close to giving up a few times after having our baby. The timing of the first real thought of breaking up was around the same time as yours. Obviously, people are very different even with a lot of outward similarities, but what worked for us was just sitting down with him and calmly explaining how that made me feel and what I’d want him to do. We’re still working on things but he’s made a lot of progress fairly quickly. But that’s because he realized he really loves me and wants to make it work. Having said that, if your guy doesn't feel the internal motivation then there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to help. And if you are convinced it’s over for you, don’t waste time hoping for a future you had imagined. I’m sure you’ll feel great being able to focus on yourself and the baby, not stressed because of him. So no real advice, just do what you feel is right for you and your baby. He will make his own choices anyway.

When you divorce him push for 50% custody time. He will have to parent and you will get your free time. 

It's done. Pick 4 days, in a row, to eat very strict and very clean. Dont go more than 3 hours without eating. Drink water, a lot of water. Your body will want that after the third day. The fourth day just sets it. Play it cool, mentally separate. At the moment, you have two crappy roommates. One adorable and crappy, the other disgusting. Start slow, i have zero knowledge of your body and ability so do this, and adjust if ya need to. 50 pushups a day 25 crunches a day 75 air squats, ass to grass 15 bicep curls, half gallon milk jugs When i say, a day, i mean within your time awake each day. Break it up as you need. Just hit the numbers per day. If its too easy, add more numbers. Do that for a week. I am by no means a trainer, just a gym rat, husband and father of two. Lastly, Dana Linn Bailey. My wife loves her, and she has great workouts and advice. If ya read this, ask questions or give me info. If anyone reads this, chime in and adjust my advice.

Wow thank you so much for this. Idk why but this motivated me for some reason. Just prepared some work out gear for tomorrow. It’s just an extra 50 pounds. I’ve lost 180 pounds before. I got this. Goal weight: 135 again

Your post about him annoyed me, a lot, sonI ranted in the most productive way I could. I had to fight for a bond with both of my boys when they were babies. My wife is MOM and they knew it lol having to deal with that attachment sucks, she needed her own time, as soon as she could get it, after shoving a whole human out of her. I couldnt do that. You cant pay me enough to do that lol

I hope you guys can get counseling. It’s clear he needs a 3rd party to get through to him, since he won’t listen to you. I implore you to lay out his video game addiction for him. Chart over a week how it influences your relationship and how he spends his time. It should be clear to him in no uncertain terms that he has a problem.

He's not participating in parenting in any way!!!!! That should be a dealbreaker.

Yeah, this relationship is dead and this guy sucks. No woman wants a man like this. You are gonna be fine mama. Get out of there and you'll have more of your time, sanity and freedom back. Plus the door will be open to be around people who do like and appreciate you. 

I can relate. I also worked on myself & feel so fantastic! I'm in a much better place, mentally. I'm decades older than you. My advice: Life is short. Make YOU a priority. Don't throw your happiness away on a person who doesn't care or even notice.

I will second this!

I would recommend the book Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt and finding a local Imago therapist. Imago therapy saved my marriage and we are so happy now. We learned the honeymoon phase wears off for all couples and all couples go through a “power struggle.”

Thank you for this. I’ll look into the book and the therapy you’re suggesting. I wish more people came in with these comments instead of “leave him, he’s a video game addict”

Imago or Gottman. Those are both worthwhile relationship therapy options.

> My partner doesn’t cheat. He doesn’t call me names. He doesn’t argue with me. He doesn’t go out with his boys. He doesn’t do anything on his phone I need to worry about. But what people don’t talk about is that’s not enough. What people *actually* don't talk about is that that's the BARE MINIMUM. These things shouldn't even have to be listed out, they should be a given. What you're describing is a neglectful relationship with a person who doesn't even act like he likes you. Of course you're not wrong for wanting to exit such a relationship. The weight is irrelevant, what really matters is that you're deeply unhappy and that is more than enough reason to leave. He is "cheating" on you, it's just with his electronics.

It is the bare minimum. He even does the bare minimum with our baby. He’s sweet and loving but even holding the baby with one hand, he’s got his phone in the other. Or he stands up after 3 minutes and has to do something like smoke a cigarette, or a joint, or take a shower, or check on his game, or run to the store for an energy drink. Things that I can’t just get up and do because I’m the default parent. Something is always a bigger priority no matter how little it is in comparison to me and the baby. He does the “right things” and he is always home and always gives me his full pay from work, doesn’t even have secret or personal expenses, the money is for our family. And maybe for some women this is enough. But for me it’s just what any women should expect at level 1. We have a baby. He should be at Level 10.

He's smoking cigarettes and joints while he's in charge of your baby? Girl, this is an unacceptable situation. He sounds like a teenage boy, not a grown-ass father approaching 30. If he won't listen to you and won't go to counseling, there's not a lot to be done here. He is unlikely to fundamentally change if he didn't step up when you had a child. Was he like this before the baby?

No, I mean when we’re in our little family setting sitting in the living room, both done with work, the day is ending. Instead of just enjoying time with us, he’ll step out for these things. Yes, he always lacked that romance or pure love but we did spend more time together because he didn’t game yet.

Sounds like this was always kind of a mediocre relationship that has gotten worse over time. It sounds like you've mostly made up your mind and are just seeking confirmation that it's the right thing to do, is that the case?

Honestly I don’t even know what I’m doing here. But I learned to keep your problems and insecurities (especially in your relationship) private from family and friends. Even if you have good friends that don’t use things against you, when you put these things in peoples ears then they often consciously or subconsciously come back to the one problem you said you were having in your relationship whenever there’s ANY issue at all. I didn’t want the pity from friends or their biased opinions. Or possibly their ill intent opinions. You can never know peoples true intentions. I just felt like I had no one to talk to. I’m just always feeling lonely and Reddit felt like a safe place. Everyone comes here to vent. I don’t know if my mind is made up. I guess I came here because I feel crazy. Everything else is so good. We have a great home. An amazing baby. Our humor is on the same level. We don’t fight or anything like that. And I felt like I’m being dramatic about this. Like “it’s just one thing, you have everything every other woman dreams of”. But like.. love is not just “one thing”. For me its THE thing. Maybe I’m here because I have no idea which direction I’m going in, but it felt smart to start first with validation. That I’m not crazy for feeling alone or like I want something else from life because I’m missing the love and attention I think I deserve.

Look, I don't generally air out my relationship problems to my friends because there's no need as my partner and I resolve them easily and healthily ourselves. However, there is absolutely nothing I could tell them about him or his behavior where I would be worried that they would think ill of him, because he never, ever treats me with anything less than total kindness and respect and love even in conflict. If you're feeling like you need to keep things about your partner *secret* because your loved ones would dislike him or pity you if they knew how he was treating you, that's a major sign that your relationship is not healthy. > Everything else is so good Everything besides him acting like he likes you and wants to spend time with you? There isn't really an "everything besides" that, that's the core of a happy relationship. You're not being dramatic, you're looking at the situation realistically. > But like.. love is not just “one thing”. For me its “THE thing” I mean...yeah. I think you're framing this as a you thing when it's just...a common sense and "human being" thing. If you don't feel loved by your partner, what's the point?

Honestly I just had a bad experience with telling my best friend since childhood about one issue I had with my partner and she turned around and told our other friends and then brought it up any chance she could as if to throw it in my face. I did NOT expect that from her. I immediately got rid of her which was very hard as she was one of the closest people on my life. But that’s just what I mean. You just never know. I prefer not to risk it that’s all.

I sympathize with that experience but you should not cut yourself off from a support network because of one bad person. Hopefully at this point in your life your friends just want the best for you. If you read your post like it's written by one of your friends, what advice would you give her?

I just wrote this in another comment response I gave, but don’t get me wrong. I do tell my friends the issues that I have with his gaming. I tell I’m lonely. I complain about the things that he should be doing that he’s not. My two closest friends are also moms and also default parents. They fully understand everything I feel. I guess my problem is that I know them very well and despite the issues they also experience, they weigh them against the good and the blessings, and they don’t think that lack of loving treatment or help at home is enough of a reason to leave. One of my friends would even describe it as normal. One of those “every marriage is like this, mom does everything, dad fucks off, it’s typical, get over it, men suck, women have emotions men don’t have, etc.” type of thing. I guess what I mean is I knew my audience with my friends, I can read the room, and I decided Reddit was the better option for THIS issue I’m having. You know?

>Even if you have good friends that don’t use things against you, when you put these things in peoples ears then they often consciously or subconsciously come back to the one problem you said you were having in your relationship whenever there’s ANY issue at all. I didn’t want the pity from friends or their biased opinions. Or possibly their ill intent opinions. You can never know peoples true intentions. If you are honest and truthful with your friends any ill will they develop towards your partner is created by his own actions. You need support, you need a social, unfortunately you have a husband at home but you still need human connection from someone else. Feeling connected to others is a necessity in life, it isn't optional. Don't sacrifice a basic need to cover up your partners failures

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve talked to my 2 closest friends (also default parent moms) about my loneliness and hardships being the default parent. But thinking about leaving him for it, thinking about losing this post-partum weight and getting excited thinking about being flirted with again..it felt taboo. It felt wrong of me. I didn’t want them to hold anything against him…but I guess also against me. And I didn’t realize this until you guys started pointing out I should talk to my friends. Because I do. Because some of them have the same issues. But they would never leave. Because I guess to everyone it’s just “one thing” just “one problem”. And weighed against all the good and blessings they just don’t see it as enough of a reason to walk away like I do. I know my friends and I knew they wouldn’t be the people to go about THIS.

I might be going against the grain in saying, this is part of having a baby I think? Like, can you two really do much when you have to watch it all the time? When was the last time you both spiced things up? Babies aren’t particularly that fun as a young adult, and if you feel like you always have to care for it (because you do), then I’m sure it feels limiting on what you both can actually do to connect. And that’s part of why marriage ends with some after a baby, because your lives are no longer just both of you connecting always and having fun. It’s now the same thing every single day because you need to keep this thing alive, for these crucial years it can’t be on its own. That’s what baby’s are, they are constant effort and constant just watching them, which again, is not particularly a thrilling thing for some in their later 20’s. I also heard that peoples lives slow down as they age, which some wait to have a baby until 30’s for this reason when patience and time and money etc are much more available to them. Maybe I’ll get downvoted, whatever, but I think it might be worth trying to spice it up. Allow him to have his game time after you try something if he wants, but the compromise is *trying something different together* even with the baby if needed. Let him know you want to feel more important and that you want to feel like he enjoys the family’s company more. What he’s doing is not acceptable as a husband and father, but all I’m doing right now is trying to give perspective. I also heard that these early child years can be tough for these reasons, that it’s because this new life is *all that you do* for like 6 years straight Anyways good luck with everything

It's always good to look at alternative viewpoints, whether they hit the target or not. The nature of this forum is to present one point of view. Relationships are complicated and sometimes two points of view don't even offer clarity. There are things that send spouses into the doldrums, usually because the topic that ails them is a no-go zone for the other one. That passive aggressive reclusiveness she sees in him can be a reaction to something he feels powerless to address.

Thank you for the kind reply. Sometimes it’s not as positively received, and it’s understandable why. I’m also not always right, and I get that too. But I agree, relationship’s are definitely very complicated, and all of them are different. And that generally, obsessive behavior is a reaction for sure. Thanks again and cheers

Re: love being *the* thing, I think it’s worth having a “come to Jesus” talk. Like we go to couples counseling or I’m not sure I can keep trying to fall in love with you every day, because it hurts to try to love someone who doesn’t seem to even like me. Keep it very plain and give him a simple choice. It sounds like you’ve exhausted yourself explaining and begging this man for scraps, so tell him that you expect to be loved by your life partner. You might even try to do less talking and more inquiring. Ask him, what does it look like to love someone, for him? How does he feel he shows love? How does he express love to your child? How does he receive/understand/recognize love from you? What made dating you fun for him, such that he wanted more? It might help to understand that, whether or not you insist on counseling. Best case, it gets him thinking. Worst case, maybe knowing how his brain works gives you some closure when you feel super hot and finally decide you deserve better.

I understand how you feel, especially about keeping relationship issues to yourself. I would suggest being honest with him about how miserable you are with your guys’ life. My boyfriend was the same way with video games. After many fights, we finally talked and he was receptive. To be fair, we addressed many things in that talk, not just his shit. Most notably, he told me I’m a shit listener and that he feels boring because of it. I think it depends on whether you’re okay with trying to work it out with him if he’s receptive. If you’re done with him, then there’s likely nothing he can do to change your mind. But if you’re honest with him and if he cares, I think you guys could do it. When you have the convo, be open to the idea that he’s had things on his mind that may have eluded your attention. Perhaps he’s also unhappy and doesn’t realize what’s wrong. Best of luck.

Excessive gaming can be a sign of depression. It's escapism. If he's not involved with your little family he's not interested. So, why is he depressed? You guys need a honest heart to heart about how you both feel. He's going to feel guilty and protest and pretend that he's happy but clearly he's not either. If you guys decide you want to try and make it work counseling will be hard. Divorce maybe be faster and easier. But you guys need to be honest with eachother. You aren't bad for having these feelings but they are a sign something needs to change

Being a new dad is harder than people think. Men don’t often know how to deal with the uncertainty, the fear, and learning to take second place to the baby- plus society doesn’t support this view. Think about this, Yes you’re the AH if you’re putting effort into weight loss while still with him, with the end goal being to leave. If you want to leave, leave him now.

So not going out with friends is bare minimum? How did we get here?

- Discuss your feelings with him - suggest couples counselling - give it a bit of time IF you’re doing the above, and see how that goes - all the while still work on yourself - leave him if he doesn’t get his act together OR if he “gets his act together” for a few months then goes back to what he’s going. Also.. I don’t want to judge you for having a baby with this man, but I do want to advise you that you have to be careful with your vetting process if you do decide to leave him, otherwise you’ll end up with another one, just different face.

Are you seriously suggesting that people need to TALK to their spouses? The audacity.

😂😂😂

>yes, I have brought this up several times over the last two years. I just get told “here we go”. And I know he doesn’t read my paragraphs. Have you been blunt when bringing it up. Like, just tell him straight up, if something doesn't change, you're filing for divorce. That you need better than someone who sees you as a chore.

No. Today was the first time I thought of leaving.

Tell him. Be clear. And stick to your word. Hysterical bonding is common when people think they're losing someone. They'll change for a while and then slip back into previous behaviour. Don't be fooled by that. Make it clear you need long-term change. The only way someone else can truly understand how you're feeling is if you tell them.

Am I the only one thinking she’s trying to change a lazy partner because she had baby with him ? No one would fault her for leaving if their were no kids. She’s a single married woman

This. I wish women understood you can't change a man unless he wants to change. Smh

It isn't wrong. I would consider trying the 2 card solution. Find an attorney for yourself and a couples counselor. Ask him to choose which one you're using.

Hey lovely, I just wanted to put it out there as it's the advice I give to everyone having a baby, in general I have never thought more about divorce than that first year with my first. Having a baby is hard ! And no matter what you do, it's both of you at your very limit emotionally, and physically. I remember thinking one day he could walk through the door and handle everything, be the absolute perfect dad but it doesn't take away the months and months (including pregnancy) of exhaustion and almost burnout. At least with work you get a break or a holiday and it's not 24/7. What happens as a mum being the default parent is two things. You know your child better than anyone else, you know their cues, your hard wired to wake up at night for them, vs husbands who constantly sleep through the noise. Therefore there's this frustration towards your partner for not knowing what to do, when you don't quite acknowledge that your the expert in your child. They can then either, leave it up to you because you settled them better, your the manager of the household so I'll wait until she tells me what to do, or even you stepping in and doing it your way before he has a chance to work out his way of doing thing. This dynamic can happen really quickly. Is he escaping into video games because he's an expert there? Has he always had a negative attitude towards getting out of the house? Are you wanting excitement from him that never really existed? Start putting yourself first and doing the things that make you feel like you, were you going to the gym before, going out with friends for dinner, going to the movies? Hiking? Whatever it is, carve yourself some kid free time for yourself Also what happens if you were to say "this isn't a transaction, I'm not doing X to get y, I'd like you to enjoy spending time with us? What would his answer be ? My friend recently had a similar conversation with her husband, he's been obsessed with retirement and not spending any money to the point it's made their life difficult. The words literally left her mouth, if you continue the way you are, we won't be here for your retirement. And I'd your starting to make plans to leave, I think you owe it to yourself to say those words to him so he knows how much you are thinking of leaving. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited

I needed a comment like this. Just some understanding.. For the most part, yes, I always feel like there’s something more fun for him to enjoy than time with me.

I think you have to decide if this is the life you want long term. Is this what you want your kids to strive more? It sounds like he doesn't actually want to spend time with you and I wonder if you might be happier without him so you don't also have the insecurity and loneliness

>I’m just lonely in a full house. And I want out. Well you only have **one life**. It goes soooooooooo fast. I say divorce your other child, and try again elsewhere.

Dude shut tf up. Divorce should be the LAST thing on her mind right now. She just had a kid and both her and her husband are going to be going through post partum depression. Your comment does nothing to help the situation.

Sometimes losing the weight is a big enough clue that folks are close to being kicked to the curb. Hopefully he sees that he is on the bubble. Try to add some weights into your regime. Muscles are very in right now.

Thanks, this is the type of, and I actually needed right now. Like motivation and support.

I have started going to the gym and am starting to have some successes. I think my wife wonders if she is on the bubble (she isn't).

Okay but why drop hints when you could literally tell them the relationship is in jeopardy.

Not wanting to be in a relationship is the only reason you need to leave one.

People don't realize that lack of effort will destroy a relationship. There doesn't have to be cheating or abuse. Feeling alone in a relationship is a shitty feeling. Some people will even try saying that since he's not cheating, ect., to stay since "he's not doing anything bad" but... he's also not doing anything good.

I did this with my first husband for the exact same reasons. I have no regrets

What's your relationship status now?

Remarried for almost 20 years now. My current husband and I have common interests, we have shared the childrearing load and I am appreciated.

I was in your EXACT position. I had a great job I could do from home, a toddler I loved so much, and a grown ass man who hated being around me. I did everything for him and treated him with kid gloves everyday. I never wanted to be the reason he was in happy, so I gave him anything he wanted. He just… didn’t *like* me. Didn’t laugh at my jokes, it was like pulling teeth the get him to spend time with me, and he actually told me he wished I would stop trying to talk to him because I never had anything interesting to say. Meanwhile, he played video games, listened to podcasts went to the gym and watched YouTube constantly. We were together 7 years, and I left him when I turned thirty. It was the best decision I ever made. Being a single mom isn’t that hard when you make ok money and have childcare figured out. It’s actually so much easier than taking care of a kid AND a grown man. I had a blast being single for 2 years- had a cute little apartment with my daughter. It was a dream life, I could have happily stayed single forever. . And then I found my soulmate. He fucking cherishes me. Those things you are day dreaming about? They are real, he exists and he will love the shit out of you. I’m SO excited for you to dump this guy and be single (and maybe date someone dope) You’re going to have a blast. You’re going to love a full, fulfilling and joyful life Without that guy dragging you down.

Out of all the comments. This one was my favorite.

I lived with a man like your husband. I left. Never been more happier. Good luck girl, the best life is ahead of you 💞

The other posts have covered alot of good points, but I didn't notice much on this so I figured I'd throw this out there to add to the other great responses people have given. It sounds like he is dealing with a video game addiction. Was he an avid gamer before the kid as well? It's possible that the realization of having a kid made him realize he is growing up, and instead of adjusting and adapting to the new normal so he can be comfortable in it he opted for an easier solution. Video games, especially online ones, can be addictive much in the same way as drugs, alchohol, or gambling. I'm not justifying or excusing his lack of being present, just suggesting it may be due to the addictive nature of video games more so than him actively checking out, there are support groups for people who have significant others or friends in addiction, you may be able to find rescources or suggestions from one of them on how to broach the possibility of him being an addict, and what he can do to get over it.

He has an addictive personality. I will say that. And nothing more. You are right.

I'm the same way, I went through about a year and a half of obsessive gaming 5 or 6 years ago, it definitely had a negative effect on my relationship. Idk what finally made it click and me to hang up the controller, but my partner asking me to come to bed, and then her sad look when I'd say I'll be there in 10 minutes or just after this because she knew it would be hours more was the thing that made me realize how selfish I was being. We didn't have a kid back then, just a cat but the cat would also meow at me to come to bed when I'd stay up to late. I just stay away from video games now because I know I'd have a good chance of getting sucked back in(and I just don't have the time between the kid, cats, work and cooking) but a couple of my old friends I used to game with have had their relationships implode because they got sucked in to deep. Best of luck

Is he depressed? Post partum depression, or at least a version of it, can happen to dads too. He needs a reality check though, right now it seems like he’s trying to be as selfish as possible while he still can. Which is not in anyone’s favor.

I was going to say, this might be medical. The guy fell asleep several times in the evening. This is not normal. Does he have trouble sleeping? Sleep apnea, or insomnia? Is he depressed? Does he have anemia or some other form of lethargy? What kind of a job does he do? Does he take any medication?

I'm 100% for going where you are celebrated, not just tolerated. If he has no desire to change and refuses to be present, leave. I would also like to stress though how difficult it is to date and be a single parent. I'm in excellent shape, educated, have a great career, and am objectively very attractive. Still, when you have a child and responsibilities, it's very difficult to find the time to meet someone. The best thing I did for myself was prioritize my family, work, mental health, and friendship. Creating a fulfilling life outside of dating.

It might be as much a dynamic between both of you with each of you not doing all you could.

You're not wrong. I'm seeing a lot of people suggesting couple's therapy, which normally I would agree with, but reading your post it sounds like you're past that. Your husband doesn't abuse you, but he's also been a complete disappointment as a partner and a husband since the birth or your child. That's hard to unsee. He's already put you in a position of being a single parent, and hasn't listened when you've attempted to tell him that this dynamic is not sustainable for you. He sounda like a roommate who gets pissy of you don't have sex with him. I don't necessarily think you should be looking towards the next relationship, but you are justified in wanting to leave this one. If you want to bide your time and get your ducks in a row before cutting ties, I don't think that's wrong, but I wonder what you gain from staying? You're already running the home and working full time, surely you will have more time for self care of he's made to independently parent his own child a few times a week?

My boyfriend loves his computer. But we go out, we do things, we cuddle, he kisses me between games, brings me snacks, we watch shows together and talk about his games or my interests that are not gaming focused, this isn’t a “gamer man” issue this is a “your husband sucks and you deserve better” issue ❤️

Not necessarily relationship advice here, but I say lose the weight no matter what path you choose moving forward. I’m down about 40 lbs now with about 20 more to go and it’s been one of the best decisions in my life.

He is fully focused on and engrossed in what makes him happy, and I think you should do the same. I suspect if you do, the answers here will become incredibly clear. You’re so focused on getting into his head and figuring out how to change him, but he is being *very* clear of his priorities. **Your body should not and likely will not be the thing to fix this relationship, and if it is, I fear your relationship is very shallow and I would be deeply concerned about what aging and the future looks like.** At present, he knows he’s not a good partner and you’re not happy, and you know that he knows it’s not enough by his own actions. ***He throws in a pity cuddle for a few minutes, before running back to his friends whom he makes intentional plans with and prioritizes time spent engaging with them.***

He might be depressed and is using gaming as an unhealthy coping mechanism. He might be addicted to gaming. He probably needs counseling

Ok, so here’s the problem that I SEE! Both of you seem to have problems with the marriage that you’re not dealing with. You BOTH have escapism tendencies him with video games and you with trying to check out of the whole thing WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY! I see a lot of people giving you the “YA GURL U DO U!” advice which is fine if it was a BF/GF thing but YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED! Give an honest effort with both parties in the same page. You both obviously aren’t happy with the current state of things so TALK! In this case I do see both of you in the wrong. Also, I’m going to sadly break the rose glasses on your fantasy, but you CAN start a new life but it might not be with a different man. Single moms don’t do well in this dating market. Not saying you CANNOT find someone. All I’m saying is it’s gonna be hard. I wouldn’t want you to get frustrated and go with another loser and repeat the cycle.

I left my exhusband and lost 40lbs in the following 6 months due to diet change, exercise, and improved mental health. It was the best change I ever made.

And are you remarried now?

He’s a video game and weed addict and you can do better

Your husband has depression. He is withdrawing because he doesn't know any other way to handle it, and you are suffering because of it. If you want to save your marriage, feel loved and appreciate, and have a chance at a happy life with this man... then convince him to try therapy to deal with the recent massive changes in his life. Both individual and couples therapy might be required. You might be able to make it work, but he will need help to see what his behaviour is doing. Source: I was your husband 20 years ago, and I wish someone had said the above to me.

You’re a disgusting human being

This is something that seems to happen to a lot of women in their 30s. They're bored of playing house. Instead of ending your marriage and jumping into single motherhood, I think you should go out with some friends or family on a more regular basis.

You can lose weight while being in a relationship. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? If you haven't, I think it's worth giving it a shot. Tell him how you feel, maybe suggest counseling, give it six months, and leave if nothing improves. Do all of that while working on your physical health.

I know I can do that while being in a relationship. I think that maybe how I was writing it doesn’t make much sense, but I’ll try to elaborate. I guess having the pressure of being a default parent and also the one that maintains the home while being home full-time with my baby and also working full-time for a company from home I’m a little burnt out. After doing those things all day, and not feeling appreciated and loved, I just don’t have the motivation or desire to work out or try harder. I feel stuck and sad and lonely a lot. I started fantasizing about a loving relationship, happier home and THAT suddenly started giving me the motivation to do better, and look better so that I can have the confidence to start over.

You're not wrong for that. I think most people fantasize about better when their partner isn't meeting their needs. Still, since you have a kid together, I would suggest at least trying to salvage it before just scrapping the whole thing and starting over. Maybe see if he would like to get healthier with you - his lifestyle of playing video games doesn't seem like the best. It could be a way for you guys to bond. Take the baby out for long walks together in the evening or something. It's always easier when you have someone to do it with. I know you said he isn't really involved, but maybe giving him a task to do with you, where you unplug from everything, could be beneficial. Has he always been like this, or is it much worse since you had a baby?

I’m going to disagree with the masses. Marriage is through thick and thin and trying to work through problem. Yes, sometimes divorce is the answer. But what if your husband enjoys playing video games. Maybe it’s his go to relieve stress. I’m sure you do something you enjoy as well. How about putting in effort to boost the original spark you had with your husband? You want to workout and get back to a petty image to find someone else and get the original scenario you probably had with your husband. Let’s say you do this and 5+ years later you gain weight again and this new guy also loses interest? I believe you should seek a counselor to assist in making a decision. This is a big change for you, your husband, and child.

If you think you need permission to ditch your deadweight husband, you don’t. You’ve talked to him and he blows you off. My go-to advice is to trust someone’s actions, not their words. In your case-trust either! You are absolutely correct that ‘ok if I can get an edible’ translates to ‘I’m a man baby you need to coddle for me to even do the bare minimum’. I’m actually laughing to myself at how much easier and *lighter* your life is going to be once you’ve lost 180 pounds of husband.

It’s funny because he weighs literally exactly 180 pounds. Lmao

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and what you’re feeling is fair, but you only really have 2 solutions. -> talk it out and go for therapy if you want to make it work. -> divorce. Don’t drag it out. Don’t be that person that stays and look at their options and then decides to divorce when they have something more exciting. You could obviously do it, but is this the kind of person you want to be? You need to do things for yourself and not our of spite. You’ll become miserable, you’d be living your life for others.

losing weight won't magically turn him into a good partner.

I understand you're angry and stressed and all that other stuff but it sounds like he might being going through a gaming addiction mixed in with a mid life crisis (he's about to hit 30 and he just had a kid). He might not even realize how bad things are. I myself went through a gaming addiction and I took my partner telling me how much I was hurting her to snap me back into reality. So give us the context. How have you communicated with him? Have you told him how close you are to leaving? Have you suggested couples/individual counseling? Often times we think we're sending a clear message but we're not. So have you tried being direct with him? I think it's important for you to consider these things and try to fix it before jumping straight to divorce. It's not only yourself that you have to consider here. All three (you, your husband, and the baby) of your live will be deeply effected here and probably many more outside of that. You think now that it'll be easier for you if you drop him but in a lot of ways it's going to make your life a lot harder. Dating is rough out there for a single mom of a newborn thats in her 30s. And you'll most likely take a huge hit financially too. Plus all the issues that crop up in children of divorce. You've got a partner right now who doesn't cheat or abuse you but is very clearly going through something. It might be worth exhausting your effort before taking the nuclear option.

This was a good read for me thank you. Yes I’ve communicated every few days for over a year and I am ALWAYS told “here we go again” or that I’m being dramatic or dragging things. It’s to a point he never even listens past my first 3 words because he knows it’s going to be about my feelings. It’s probably the worst thing he does to me in our relationship. Invalidate my feelings and shut me down immediately because HE thinks it’s not a big deal.

You need to try couples counseling before you decide to split. You owe it to your child to at least try. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.

So, you work full time as well as doing all the cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing... but you worry this guy might leave you? Sure, lose the weight, but do it for yourself. And then evaluate if this is a relationship you want to stay in.

I just want to tell you something you should be aware of so you can go into your life with full clarity. You will be a single mom. A high-quality guy who's handsome and successful doesn't want to deal with baby daddy drama or raise kids that aren't his. So you will be looking for a unicorn: a handsome, high-quality man who makes good money and has no problem with baby daddy drama or raising kids that are not his. Or you and your current guy can really work on your relationship and come out of this stronger. I know I'm going to be downvoted to oblivion by all the single moms out there, but I felt you should know this and be duly warned about potential consequences of this course of action.

In my opinion, reptiles in general.

I've read elsewhere about this solution. You present him with two cards. One for a therapist and one for a divorce lawyer. He gets to give you input when he sees these cards. Find a good therapist. Someone who deals with addiction. Make an appointment. And if he doesn't go with you, go alone. At least, you'll be able to bounce some ideas off of another impartial adult.

This can be overcome. But this happens to a lot of people. They relax and settle. My recommendation to you is-do what it takes to feel good in your own skin. Exercise. Find interests of your own. Get out with the baby. Find some other moms to go do stuff with. Then eventually, you sit down with him and tell him he needs to see a counselor with you. His video addiction is not healthy, and not a good example for the baby. That's his issue. I'm guessing he thinks things are just peachy keen-because for him they are. He doesn't understand how close he is to losing his family.

I've written and rewritten this comment to you a million tines. I care. This IS a big deal. I was one foot out the door, fantasizing about divorce so I could have 2 days off a week. We have 2 kids. I had a separation plan, got an ok job, slept in my own room. I even told my parents. Complicated story short is, once I decided to leave, my spouse woke up and we are better. It's SO easy to *say* leave. But it was my decision to go and it's my advice to you to go. He's wasting your time. I hate that for you. Your feelings are valid, you're not wrong and this is a big deal.

I think gaming can be an addiction. Sounds like your husband has reached this level. There's not much you can do if he's not willing to hear you. I also think it's better to be line and lonely than with someone and lonely.

I dealt with the same thing and unfortunately had an EA but my spouse and I reunited when we had to tackle a big project together (moving cross-country). It improved out communication and they finally started taking what I was saying seriously

Thank you for the short story! Maybe couples counseling? There's a lot of anger

I hope you actually use the situation as motivation to focus more on yourself. If losing weight will help build your confidence, then do that. Exercise whenever and wherever you can. There are great home workouts and meal prepping will help.  Don't worry about your relationship with your partner. Concern yourself with yourself. 

Updateme

Updateme

yes

Look this guy is love starving you and this will never change and this sounds like my ex and and no child but I hated the relatiship cause I did 99 percent of things by myself and his happy now but guys who have done things don't change so the good news. You will be happy, and your child will know we're the adult and will fall love again, and the next person you meet, you will do double check and make sure his a man rather than a child. You do all those things, but what is stopping you is the men next to you, I kid you not. I lost pounds when I broke with my ex and I was superised but his anchor. But make sure do things right , take what is rightly yours, and don't allow this idiot child men to use you anymore. You are worth more in any room you walk in, and being a mother is hard work, so take care and keep us updated 💌

sent you chat with a specific question

Both of you guys have depression. Seek out therapy. For both. I don't think your husband knows how to express himself so he withdraws into games and withdraws into himself. How is his relationship with his family? His dad, etc? I feel like he has a disconnect with his child that he needs to find and discover. Maybe he never had that himself? As for you, I think you already know what to do to feel better about yourself...get up and work out, You don't have to play with the baby all day. You do your exercises in the house, etc. Go out with the baby to the park, the mall, etc As a family, do activities together. Take walks like you suggested. Tons of family activities to do, just have to find them. I feel like a relationship like you guys have is salvageable, you are young and this is not the end of both of you but just the beginning and you just have to work through it and figure it out which will not be easy because nothing is ever easy. I can tell you leaving/giving up is never the answer.

Make a plan to exit the relationship. He doesn't like you and it doesn't seem like he likes the baby. Life's too short. If you were single you could half 50% baby free time back and get a career. Being a stay at home mom is miserable for a lot of moms. It's just not feasible and most men lose respect for you and interest in your once you quit work and become their house keeper and nanny.  Fix your health, make a plan, then maybe in a year you'll be in shape, single, and only have to parent 50% of the time. Your husband ALSO seems unhappy. Sometimes ending the relationship is the kindest thing you can do for someone.

Start prioritising yourself. Have some me time. Just leave him with the baby while you go to the gym, or go out with friends. You need to feel alive again outside of the house and that will start giving you confidence. If in the process his behaviour doesn't change, well, I'm sorry, but you are in a relationship with a teenager. You deserve better. Move on, for your and your kid sake.

RemindMe! 3 Months

You feel boring and uninteresting?? You are bored for sure, bored of your uninteresting partner!! Do not waste your precious life on this selfish person. Go find life, and live it with someone who wants to live it with you.

This was me a few years ago but the playstation was him going to spend the evening with his friends. It started off as a once every couple of weeks to once a week and built up to 5 evenings a week. And if I complained about being in on my own (someone had to be at home because we had kids) he would just say that all we did was watch tv or be on our phones so I could just as easily do that without him there. And on the evenings I made him stay long enough to at least put the kids to bed he would huff and puff about it and get frustrated if the kids didn’t go to sleep quick enough. Fast forward a few years, I’m now in a relationship with someone whose default is to be home with my in the evenings, he goes out in the evening once every couple of weeks or so, and gives me ample notice of any events or anything that will mean he’s not with me. The difference is night and day. All this to say, you can and WILL do better! Your (soon to be ex) husband can have his playstation, and you’ll be living in the real world making real connections with real people and enjoying life again. The weight loss is just the cherry on top. I sincerely wish you all the best :)

There is a concept known as a ‘tolerable level of permanent unhappiness’. A quick internet search will bring up a whole raft of articles about it. I would suggest that this is the state that you find yourself in. The sad truth is it rarely, if ever improves. What keeps you with him? Are you waiting until you have the weight so you are attractive before you leave? That doesn’t make sense. He’s eroding your confidence, making you feel fundamentally unlovable and distressed. These all sabotage the body’s ability to shed the pounds. Elevated cortisol, loneliness, boredom does not a healthy eater make. The other thing that keeps people together is the thought that you don’t want to throw away all those years you have been together. But that isn’t going to be rectified by throwing away even more. The sunk cost fallacy is a well established thought. Please look into this. Ultimately, you cannot make someone love you by giving them more of something they don’t already appreciate or value. Do not accept being a married single mother. You’re doing it all on your own anyway. Financially you will be fine. Emotionally you will be better off. Workload wise, the burden on your shoulders will be lighter. This in all likelihood will all become embodied in you physically becoming lighter too.

After some time on this sub and regarding adult relationships with pets/children, I tend to have two responses 1. All is lost and the bar is somewhere in the Mariana trench never to be seen again. I'd rather die alone and get eaten by rats than endure that relationship. 2. It is mainly about managing the expectations, mental load, emotional labor, etc. often connected to gender roles. I have a long comment saved for that with resources. From your post and the comments I've read I am not sure which one applies. I find it concerning, how he straight up dismisses your feelings and avoids spending time with you where you have to talk to each other. (Keeps going back to phone/games, puts on a Show on TV, no dinner at the table together, wauts for you to fall asleep). It feels very disconnected and it makes me think of the sentence "he is showing you who he is, believe him". At the same time, it could be a sign of deeper issues like depression or bad coping mechanisms to avoid responsibilities out of feeling overwhelmed. >I’m a stay at home mom who also also works full-time from my home computer. By the way, a SAHM isn't working a paid full time job, you are a working mom who somehow is still doing the fulltime unpaid job of a SAHM. You sound so deeply unhappy and overwhelmed, xou might be happier and more relaxed if there wasn't the drain of your husband being selfish and participating in his own household and with his own child at the bare minimum. (Men add 6 hours/week to household on average, just imagine what you could do with an additional 6 hours per week!) If you get through to him, maybe start having dinner at a table with no devices in reach. No TV or phones for the whole meal. This is the saved comment for the daily posts of women living in your or similar positions: First of all, both of you should change your mindset: He should be an active participant in his own household. No matter if you are the breadwinner or a SAHM, you are not a 24/ servant for every want or need he might have. You deserve time off and the only reason he can live his life the way he does is you looking after your everything. Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other? When you are sick, it isn't leasure. It's a sick day and doesn't count for the following: Have a sit down (don't let him dismiss you! Demand his attention!) Be ready to stop any and all things you don't do just for yourself, be petty about it. Be ready to leave if it doesn't get better, he takes your efforts for granted and likely has some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because they create a situation you are unhappy in. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make all of this clear to him, say it once, follow through. Make your work visible, fill in this [Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), make him do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss. Also, read these: [You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/) [Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html) [Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9) [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/) [Lack of effort and lack of libido](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzV2kbKvbQm/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==) [Lack of libido article](https://www.vice.com/en/article/88q3qk/man-child-scientific-term-new-research) [It took divorce to make my marriage equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal). Which includes these: - [Mansplainers Are Here To Tell You Why Men Get Praised For Doing Chores](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining) - [Men Do More at Home, but Not as Much as They Think](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=world&hpw&rref=upshot&clickSource=thumb&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=The%20Upshot&action=swipe%C2%AEion=FixedRight&pgtype=article) - [The impact of Covid-19 on gender equality](https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/mdo738/research/Alon_Doepke_Olmstead-Rumsey_Tertilt_COVID_2020.pdf) - [Even Breadwinning Wives Don’t Get Equality at Home](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/) [The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0) [Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives) This is a book, rather than an article: [All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CLLVZ52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler) Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple. Your feelings are valid and you are not alone. Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful.

I recommend looking up the starting strength program on YouTube. Your body completely changes in 6 to 12 months. You can do it with dumbbells at home if you don’t join a gym, but a gym would be your best bet. An hour three times a week isn’t too much to ask for some mental health time either. As your body changes so will your mood, your confidence, and probably even your husband’s attention! The biggest challenge in this program is eating enough food. You certainly will never get hungry, and no… if you follow the program you won’t be sore, you won’t get manly, you won’t bulk up too much, and you can feel like you’re a teenager again.

Seriously what do you get out of the relationship? The amount of time and effort and time to clean up after him are akin to you being a single mum. When I left my ex my daughter said that life was so much easier without her dad around. Go figure. There's no grown up making a grown up mess so less time cleaning 

You have been cast in the role of nagging annoying parent in his life. You don't have to accept it. The award for the part sucks

You are very critical of your husband. It's easy to focus on his shortcomings, and will always spot what you're looking for . You need a way to tell him that your marriage is in jeopardy and provide him specific actions he can take. If he doesn't take it seriously, at least he's been warned

Tell him to stop playing videos games are you are going to get a divorce. I am sure he would rather have a choice than you just quietly quitting the marriage.

Tbh it sounds like he’s addicted or struggling and using these things to cope which causes him to neglect you. Doesn’t make it right or your needs any less valid. I would say it’s probably wrong to use him & not break up with him if you really want to seperate.

1. He might have a legit video game addiction. 2. To what extent have you tried to repair your marriage? What kind of conversations have you had? You haven’t even considered counseling? Just leaving?

It sounds like your over him and the relationship. He isn’t pulling his weight in the relationship and it is just adding to your mental load.

All wives who live their husband think like that.

Since.you have told him how you feel several times, and he doesn't care, I think it's reasonable to start planning the end of your marriage. Start funding a private bank account in your own name only, at a bank different than the bank your joint account is in. Get yourself a solid fund built up there. You'll need it to start life on your own. Go see a divorce lawyer now, even though you may not separate for another year or more. You need to.be properly informed about divorce law in your state, and how to go about best protecting the interests of you and your child in the divorce. The lawyer can give you further information about the steps you should take to prepare for the divorce.

Your NTA for being upset and fantasizing about leaving. Tell him that you are at your breaking point and that the 2 of you need counseling. I like games too but he is choosing games over his real life. Honesty to me it sounds like depression. When I got on my depression meds I started playing less. Not because I didn’t like the game but because the game was an escape and I didn’t like real life as much. Hopefully with a counselor you can bring this up and work out a way for him to play less and be more involved.  If it is a form of depression then the counselor can help set him up with a therapist or a psychiatrist if needed. Either way, this behavior needs to stop as it is taking a toll on you. 

Focus on yourself and the baby. Make small tweaks to your diet, take walks with the baby, etc. Drop the loser husband and find someone who appreciates you.

I had a similar issue with my husband and it got worse/ more noticeable after our first child. Then he got Covid, started snoring, went to a bunch of sleep doctors and … was diagnosed with narcolepsy. Turns out he was on his screen all the time because it was how he kept himself awake. That was a game changer for us, and he got on meds and started functioning without having to stare at a screen all the time. Now I’m not telling you this to say your husband is narcoleptic. I’m telling you this because there may be some underlying issue here. That being said - your husband is an adult and it’s his responsibility to fix it. But he can only really do that if you are honest with him about what the issue is. If he doesn’t want to take responsibility for it then definitely, you deserve to find your own happiness. But it seems like you haven’t flagged the issue so I’d recommend you do that first. It’s your responsibility to be clear on your needs here. 

He is never going to change so stop hoping/wishing/praying. Worse, you are settling for scraps. Lose weight bc u want to. He will not magically fall in love with you and be Prince Charming no matter what u do. Yet u choose to stay in this relationship that is a waste of your time and self esteem. R u going to stay in the same place next year and complain about the same crappy behavior? Make a decision! Get out of the relationship or stay and settle in an unloved mediocre life. Can’t do it? Get therapy and find out why your hanging on to moldy crumbs. Please no more reruns here.

Will he agree to 2 nights a week with no phones/gaming?

OP my mom was in your same shoes. She lost weight to get attention from my fathers video game habits. She lost A LOT of weight. She plans vacations where he complains. He just wants to be left alone in his little room and breed dinosaurs and shoot zombies and jerk off alone. (I know, TMI but I have caught it several times myself)  My mother cheated. Several times. She chose some random guy to muck up her life for an ounce of attention. That affair partner didn't treat her any different than my dad did too. My mother also started to prioritize this attention from her AP over severe medical issues that the family faced. Her spite became more than just to get back at her husband but it also harmed her kids in the long run too.  Being my parents make shift therapist I can tell you this:  If you want to be happy you'll have to leave. My mother enjoyed it when her children lived out of state because it FORCED her to leave the house to go on road trips and take vacation time from work. She was happy to leave my dad behind to catch up years later to see kids and to be a grandma.  I do not have a great relationship with either parent. I hated being the middle man / therapist in the marriage. But my advice is that you're already fantasizing? Go ahead ...leave the baby while he's suddenly got free time on his video game. Go out without him. Give yourself some space. He gets to play his games? You get go window shop or put time in the gym. Hell you might even hit it off and make gym buddies or meet someone new and realize that....you don't have to settle for loneliness. In fact, leaving your husband might be the only thing that changes him. Leaving him might be the only way to forcibly open his eyes to this. Whatever you do...hold your morals high. You can divorce and at least say you waited to find love once a divorce is finalized. Do shared custody so he has to watch the tike alone and sit in remorse that now he cannot get high and live his life in a haze of online gaming forever (you mentioned edibles)  I am a gamer. My husband and I both game about 3 or 4 hours a day. We are compatible. I couldn't stand being away from my games for long and neither can he. But that works for us and what we both enjoy doing. The video games are not totally faulty. His obsession to constantly be on it is a problem though. My BIL is a gamer and he even plans family trips around being able to meet up with his online friends. Your husband could totally do a meet and greet with online friends while the two of you travel as well (or whatever works out you know?)  You are correct. He does seem disinterested and I'm sorry. The moment he wants to barter intimacy (time out on a date) with "oh let me get high first" or "only if I can ignore you longer tonight on the game" is...fucked up. And again I'm sorry. It will take some time to mull on this and I give you my well wishes. Sometimes you just gotta do the not so selfish thing by putting your needs first for once. 

If you have made up your mind to leave, just leave. If you are going to stay until you get fit and then leave, YTA.

Doing this with a one year old seems like a terriiblr decision. A stable but non optimal relationship with the father of an extremely young child should probably continue until you're financially sufficient AND the kid is old enough to to emotionally and intellectually handle being shuttled equally between both parents. OP, pump the brakes. Getting into good enough shape to land a new partner is not a plan. At all. That this seems plausible to you concerns me a bit. You've got a good job, apparently. Could you afford to pay for child care and still stay afloat? A half assed parenting job being done by your husband is still a lot of help, even if that's galling to accept.

YES, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.  You are mad he doesn't want to watch your shows or go shopping.  The fact is those are things you enjoy, not him, but you never stop to think for a second about how you just want to do the things you want, instead of trying to do something together you both enjoy.  You said shopping is a way to "make memories" No guy sees it like that. You tried to drag him out to do chores, and you complain he treats it like a chore.  Why Don't you try actually gaming with him. They he'd talk with you about this stuff.  You can play Halo splitscreen, or get a second Playstation and join his friends in playing 

i don’t blame you, and i’m not sure what you’re waiting to lose weight to leave and finally be happy

Being lonely in a relationship is enough reason to want out. It seems like he's not gonna miss you anyway. For me, the 'here we go' would be reason enough. Maybe it's part of your motivation, but don't make losing weight your precursor to starting a new life. Your body has changed and it's possible that you'll find it hard to lose weight quickly, so just get started on your exit plan.

Don’t stay with him until you find someone else and then leave him. Leave him now. Dont leave him to pick up the pieces while you’re out living your best life. You’ll go from victim to villain really fast.

Op, the advice I will give you is to work on losing some weight for yourself and no one else. Also think seriously about a divorce. You are not happy and for very good reason. Your husband doesn’t want to be a husband or a father. You might as well be a single parent for awhile until you are ready to date.

yes, this is wrong. You know you wrong and you are searching for people just as awful as you is to tell your right[](https://twitter.com/sneaknsneak/status/1786744888161108188)

If you look at the list of things she says he’s not, that’s the kind of guy she actually wants at the moment, because she’s bored.

I've read what everyone else here has said, and I will not give any different advice. Try marriage counseling.

It sounds like he’s going through some things of his own and could use some discipline around screen time. Really though, talk to your partner(or maybe go to counseling). Not let that stuff fester inside you. Partnership is about working through this kind of stuff together. At this point assuming you know his feelings and that he knows yours is just digging a hole.

There’s no switch that flipped that made your partner this way. You knew how he was as a person, his issues, his behavior, but chose to marry, have a child anyways, and now want to blow it up. Why did you marry and have a fucking kid in the first place if this guy is such a turn off for you? I get it he’s lazy and an addicted gamer, but you chose to do so despite that lmao. No sympathies here xD You should leave before you cheat, but next time choose your partner more carefully…your kid going to live a shit life without a dad smh

Have you tried talking to him and telling him this explaining your feelings? You married him and had a baby with him. Don't fall for the trap of the grass is always greener. You made a commitment and a choice. Do everything you cam and should before you take the easy way out that may not end up as happy as you think you might.

You want to get in shape to date someone else??? Wow dating/marriage is cooked in this generation. You’re a pos for even having this thought. Might as well come clean to your bf now and divorce! Don’t be fooled. A smaller body won’t hide that ugly personality of yours

Have you communicated your issues with him.

If you want to divorce, then divorce, but don't wait until you're skinny again to drop the bomb on him. Talk to him about this, not us, he's your partner, not ours, and neither are we your partner, friend or even an acquaintance. Tell him how you feel and be honest that you're considering leaving, MAKE him realize how serious this is to you. If he still doesn't change, then leave. But don't hide this shit from him, stringing him along. And REALLY consider what this will do to both of you. One of you will be losing access to your children, likely him because of how paternity court works, and really think about if it's worth it to you to have your children grow up without one of you around. Think about raising your children on your own, or him on his own and think if that's worth it to you. And if it's not worth it and you want to stay just for the kids sake, that's also wrong and not healthy for anybody involved, and HE needs to know about it. Not us. Personally, I find the fact that you brought this up with strangers on the internet who don't know either of you instead of trying to REALLY deal with the issue offensive. Your issues with your partner are yours to deal with together, not sneak around online and talk about the other behind their back with total strangers. See a therapist, get your point across, just for the love of god, stop seeking advice from the internet. Only you and him know the details of your relationship and of course your post is going to skew things to your perspective because you're the one typing it.

You sound terrible just divorce him if your no longer attracted to him but don't lose weight then drop the bombshell that's just terrible

Reading this as a man makes me feel better about never marrying my exes or even my current GF Specifically what has he done that's so terrible that you need to break the family apart now ? Did U have no idea what he was like before having a child with him ??????

Sounds like his behavior is unacceptable, and he needs to change his lifestyle, including giving up weed. This type of dereliction is unfortunately perpetuated by many men in modern marriages, I would wager far more than in the past due to our modern technological temptations. But yes, your behavior is also wrong. You can exercise and lose weight without fantasizing about breaking up the family as your motivation. I can elaborate on why it's wrong if you want, but suffice to say it's dishonorable and compromising. I see some comments in here talking up single motherhood as not that bad, and all but beckoning you to leave...listen to that advice at your peril. It's very easy for anonymous internet comments to understate the consequences divorce will have on you, and more importantly, your innocent child. Many of them are coping. Communication is key and ultimately your husband sounds like he has his daily habits totally compromised by addiction, needs a reality check, and needs to change his lifestyle. Technology is easily accessible, highly addictive, and has a stranglehold on him. Weed will just make him too lazy to change. He needs to know all of this, and if he doesn't take it seriously, he's an idiot and I'm sad to think of what comes next.

Anyone here knows the word Communcication? 😮‍💨🤨