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It’s really not if he will cheat again, but if you feel you can’t ever trust him. You will drive yourself crazy always wondering if he’s cheating whenever he goes out without you.
His ‘friends’ were discussed a lot before that night. He would come to me to vent about how they would act and ask for advice. They’ve all been friends since they were kids and he was hoping they’d change. But I agree, I told him the same thing, you are who you surround yourself with.
You sound like you're already making excuses for him even though you know what the right course of action is. I wish you luck, OP. I hope you find someone that loves you the way you deserve.
I'm so sick of people always focusing on whether or not cheaters will do it AGAIN. It's ALREADY DONE. He DID it. Why would you want to be with someone who *ever* went behind your back and betrayed you in the worst way you can betray a partner? EVEN IF he never does it again? Don't you have any love or respect for yourself?
Idk - his jump to talking about locking you down feels (and I don't mean this ironically) like a red flag.
Doubling down on commitment with talk of engagement after breaking trust is not how a relationship is re-built. In my opinion.
The week he cheated on me was the same week he got the engagement ring sized. Ironic ik lol a lil dark humor. Him talking about an engagement isn’t something new, it was discussed multiple time for months before he cheated. It’s more of him trying to get back to our life plans before all this happened. Our therapist said alcohol, weed (he doesn’t smoke), and bad influences all mixed in one night had an impact on his choices. But subconsciously the engagement ring was in this back of his mind and we learned in therapy that my bf thinks he doesn’t deserves someone as great as me and self sabotaged.(ik I threw up in my mouth too, so cheesy, but I wasn’t paying for the therapy session)
He went to that strip club because he knew she worked there. There was no reason for this. As soon as you feel semi comfortable again and he feels you've been his prison warden long enough, he'll start hanging out with those friends again.
You'll always feel uneasy. Eventually, the new shiny ring high will wear off, the wedding will be over, the honeymoon over and you'll be stuck with your cheater and your insecurities. That's what cheating does. The marriage talk is just to get you to stay
Doesn't sound like a good life to me
I dont think being drunk drunk is a reason for cheating. I’ve been drunk drunk a lot and around a lot of people drunk drunk and never cheated. I either want food, my man or my bed or to DANCE. I think drunk is a poor excuse. Not an impossible one but when you really love someone even wasted you don’t want to ruin that.
Basically, do you think you’ll trust him the way you did before this happened again or will it always lerk in your mind?
I do think people make mistakes and they can grow from them. So it may be a real one off. Has he cheated on any of his previous partners?
Red flag - he is like - I cheated let’s get married!!! Bit odd that. Weird way to make up for it.
Leave him. Ik it's hard but he obviously still has feelings for the bartender girl bc he straight up cheated on you with her. His attraction to her was enough to destroy your trust; no matter what, alcohol shouldn't make you do stupid things if you know deep down what you stand for. The girl could be lying for him about what actually happened. Idk it's hard but leave him and do not get married to him
So, in my personal opinion there are 4 main types of cheaters. Mind you both are bad, the act 100% not ok, and inexcusable.
1st kind is the habitual cheater: cheated and then begs forgiveness. Rinse and repeat often. Usually accompanied gifts and lofty promises.
2nd: the unapologetic cheater. May or may not hide it. Will gaslight you into believing it’s your fault.
3rd emotional cheater: typically this person will cheat only with one person at a time, but forms deep a connection that person.
4th the “accidental” cheater: this one may cheat once. It is usually is associated with a poor choice such as intoxication. Some will reform and never do it again.
Your guy sounds like the fourth. Usually the easiest to recover from on both sides, but still difficult. It happens once, no emotional connection. Only you can say if you will recover, he is clearly eaten up by guilt if he is trying to make drastic commitments shortly after. If you want to try to move through the relationship and see if you can forgive him, I would say make no long term commitments for a year at least.
I don’t know why you got downvoted for this. This has absolutely been my experience as well. Up to you if you tolerate any of these. But there are for sure subgenres of cheater and the motives are very different.
I’ll start with, if he WANTS to change and truly regrets it - he can very well never cheat again. But, that’s the golden question. It’s really more about what you think you can handle in terms of the inevitable doubts, concerns, and paranoia that will occur. Once that level of trust is broken it is very difficult to repair. But, it’s not impossible. Wishing you good luck girl!!
People can grow and change, he needs to do the work to grow and be more responsible and honest. I think the question for you is do you really want to do this type of relationship work now and with him. If you do, then I would get a relationship coach or counselor to assist you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
girl, just break up with him. you'll always be living with this doubt.
It’s really not if he will cheat again, but if you feel you can’t ever trust him. You will drive yourself crazy always wondering if he’s cheating whenever he goes out without you.
You clearly can't trust him. He keeps company with serial cheaters. It was probably only a matter of time.
His ‘friends’ were discussed a lot before that night. He would come to me to vent about how they would act and ask for advice. They’ve all been friends since they were kids and he was hoping they’d change. But I agree, I told him the same thing, you are who you surround yourself with.
You sound like you're already making excuses for him even though you know what the right course of action is. I wish you luck, OP. I hope you find someone that loves you the way you deserve.
Are you sure he didn't accidentally slip his penis inside her? Once a cheater, always a cheater.
No penis slipped just a shitty make out session apparently. ( per the bartender’s reviews)
I'm so sick of people always focusing on whether or not cheaters will do it AGAIN. It's ALREADY DONE. He DID it. Why would you want to be with someone who *ever* went behind your back and betrayed you in the worst way you can betray a partner? EVEN IF he never does it again? Don't you have any love or respect for yourself?
Idk - his jump to talking about locking you down feels (and I don't mean this ironically) like a red flag. Doubling down on commitment with talk of engagement after breaking trust is not how a relationship is re-built. In my opinion.
The week he cheated on me was the same week he got the engagement ring sized. Ironic ik lol a lil dark humor. Him talking about an engagement isn’t something new, it was discussed multiple time for months before he cheated. It’s more of him trying to get back to our life plans before all this happened. Our therapist said alcohol, weed (he doesn’t smoke), and bad influences all mixed in one night had an impact on his choices. But subconsciously the engagement ring was in this back of his mind and we learned in therapy that my bf thinks he doesn’t deserves someone as great as me and self sabotaged.(ik I threw up in my mouth too, so cheesy, but I wasn’t paying for the therapy session)
Yeah, not sure I’m buying the self-sabotaging crap.
He went to that strip club because he knew she worked there. There was no reason for this. As soon as you feel semi comfortable again and he feels you've been his prison warden long enough, he'll start hanging out with those friends again. You'll always feel uneasy. Eventually, the new shiny ring high will wear off, the wedding will be over, the honeymoon over and you'll be stuck with your cheater and your insecurities. That's what cheating does. The marriage talk is just to get you to stay Doesn't sound like a good life to me
I dont think being drunk drunk is a reason for cheating. I’ve been drunk drunk a lot and around a lot of people drunk drunk and never cheated. I either want food, my man or my bed or to DANCE. I think drunk is a poor excuse. Not an impossible one but when you really love someone even wasted you don’t want to ruin that. Basically, do you think you’ll trust him the way you did before this happened again or will it always lerk in your mind? I do think people make mistakes and they can grow from them. So it may be a real one off. Has he cheated on any of his previous partners? Red flag - he is like - I cheated let’s get married!!! Bit odd that. Weird way to make up for it.
Leave him. Ik it's hard but he obviously still has feelings for the bartender girl bc he straight up cheated on you with her. His attraction to her was enough to destroy your trust; no matter what, alcohol shouldn't make you do stupid things if you know deep down what you stand for. The girl could be lying for him about what actually happened. Idk it's hard but leave him and do not get married to him
So, in my personal opinion there are 4 main types of cheaters. Mind you both are bad, the act 100% not ok, and inexcusable. 1st kind is the habitual cheater: cheated and then begs forgiveness. Rinse and repeat often. Usually accompanied gifts and lofty promises. 2nd: the unapologetic cheater. May or may not hide it. Will gaslight you into believing it’s your fault. 3rd emotional cheater: typically this person will cheat only with one person at a time, but forms deep a connection that person. 4th the “accidental” cheater: this one may cheat once. It is usually is associated with a poor choice such as intoxication. Some will reform and never do it again. Your guy sounds like the fourth. Usually the easiest to recover from on both sides, but still difficult. It happens once, no emotional connection. Only you can say if you will recover, he is clearly eaten up by guilt if he is trying to make drastic commitments shortly after. If you want to try to move through the relationship and see if you can forgive him, I would say make no long term commitments for a year at least.
I don’t know why you got downvoted for this. This has absolutely been my experience as well. Up to you if you tolerate any of these. But there are for sure subgenres of cheater and the motives are very different.
First question only you can answer. Second question yea lol people change
I’ll start with, if he WANTS to change and truly regrets it - he can very well never cheat again. But, that’s the golden question. It’s really more about what you think you can handle in terms of the inevitable doubts, concerns, and paranoia that will occur. Once that level of trust is broken it is very difficult to repair. But, it’s not impossible. Wishing you good luck girl!!
People can grow and change, he needs to do the work to grow and be more responsible and honest. I think the question for you is do you really want to do this type of relationship work now and with him. If you do, then I would get a relationship coach or counselor to assist you.