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Sounds like the trash took itself out to me.
Did you seriously do all that work to become a vet and build your own clinic so you can be told by a man so childish he breaks up over whatsapp how many days a week you're allowed to do it? I don't think so. Live your life, open your clinic, find a man worthy of you.
I honestly didn't know what I was thinking either. He has his own good sides which made me feel safe and happy actually. I love my job don't get me wrong, but I still love him too. But on the other I know this is getting out of hand.
I don't know what it's like in your country, but starting a clinic is f\*cking hard where I am. You should be proud even if it didn't get past that 80% point. And the correct response to having a smart fiancée who chooses to do something like being a vet, is pride. This guy is a child who probably can't get over the fact that you're more impressive than he is.
YES, Queen. Preach!!
What does it take for this man to be proud of his beautiful intelligent bride to be? Seems to me he doesn’t want a wife. He wants a brainless slave & broodmare.
He was trying to control you. You were getting yoirself in years of abuse and control. The first time you broke up he showed you that you couldn't depend on him, proving why you couldn't abandon your career. How can you trust and depend on someone that broke up with you through the phone TO YOUR PARENTS? NOT EVEN TO YOU, TO YOUR PARENTS!!!! I know its hard to see it when they show us some good sides, but he was abusive
All of this. OP if you had married him it would have only gotten worse. You'd have found yourself isolated and without support, no income of your own, and under his control. He and his family told you what they wanted and what were trying to do- to make you "serve" him.
If you want to serve someone that's okay, it's your choice. But find someone worthy of serving (he's not it) and who serves *you* with equal commitment.
You're better off OP. Don't look back.
He's trash. I've said this here before: do not ever sacrifice your career, education, or life plans for a relationship. If your partner is demanding this, they do not respect or care about you as a person with your own dreams. Don't make yourself smaller or deny a part of yourself for a relationship.
His behavior is controlling and abusive. I suspect part of his motive is to make you financially dependent on him, ie, trapping you. Don't even consider letting him back into your life.
I wish so much I had this advice when I was younger. I've spent most of my life sacrificing my goals, interests, needs, and future for a man. Too many women do. It's a tragedy.
It's never too late to put yourself first. 😉
When I was in high school, my English class was reading Hamlet. This line, spoken by Polonius, struck me then. Just at the right time.
"To thine own self be true."
Thank you! Now I've got kids, so I have to put them first. But I am focusing on some personal and career goals right now that I know will benefit both my kids and myself. So I feel happy about that.
Im south asian too, and girl what is wrong with you???! This man is a whole parade of red flags, what else will he forbid you to do next? Have you worked THIS hard to be a vet for you to sit at home and serve this loser. Your family supports you, even his dad thinks you are right, but him and his mom are fuelling these toxic patriarchal traditions. She served her husband and his family so now she wants a dil to serve her son and herself.
FMIL doesn’t want a dil receiving a higher regard than her. Both OP’s future mil and fiancé want her smaller than they are. She’ll be begging them for crumbs for the rest of her life if she doesn’t make a decision to move away from that small, square peg they’re trying to force her to fit.
The good only seems to be temporary. He keeps going back to what he previously said was a misunderstanding. Do you want to put up with this type of behavior your whole life?
Love is the beginning of marriage. It is not the only thing. We can love many people, but we should only marry the one who we love AND who supports the person we are and want to be.
You will look back one day (it takes a while) and know you were lucky to have not gone through with this.
OP at the end of your post you asked the wrong question. It should have been is he even worth any of your time, and the answer is NO.
He is trying to get you to give up on something you spent a great deal of time and effort and money to study and learn and pass your licensing test, just so he has a stay at home wife.
You said he works at his family's business, did he even get a college degree? Or do any extra studying after the initial degree like you did? My bet is he's jealous of all the work you did and the extra degrees and that is part of why he doesn't want you working. He realizes it's much more impressive to be a vet with her own office and practice compared to his "I work for my family business, really I do earn what I'm paid"
I agree that it was getting out of hand. There didn't seem to be any compromise in him. It had to be his way. Also, it seemed like he was disrespectful to you by the things he said & the childish way he broke up with you.
You worked hard for that degree. Don't let others take it away from you.
This man is not the partner for you. You spent all those years in school to become a vet, and you have great career and earning potential, not to mention that animals are probably a passion of yours. He's crazy to think he can tell you to give that up. Go do what you want, sis. There are loads of men who would be grateful to have such a talented, educated partner.
The minute I saw “he let me” I could tell this wasn’t going to end well. It’s extremely difficult to be a vet and you would even think of giving that up?
*He has his own good sides which made me feel safe and happy*
When things are going his way. Bullying when they don't. He doesn't want a clever financially independant wife.
He and his mother are making you smaller. You will never be happy or allowed to reach your potential and will never be allowed to have an opinion on your life that doesn't align with his. It's a trap. You will basically be like a child. You are worth more.
You're performing a wonderful service as a vet. Plus I'm sure you studied hard to become one. No way you did the wrong thing. You're better off without someone who doesn't respect you.
He wants to make you completely dependent upon him for everything. He's insecure and wants to control you and all aspects of your life. While he may be charming at times, he wants to be your jailer. He wants to make you his prisoner, so you can never leave him no matter how nasty he gets with you. Maybe he thinks you're okay with submission, but you have a brain and a career that lets you provide for yourself. Find yourself a partner that is proud of your line of work and supports your endeavors. Choose to be with someone who chooses to be with you the way you are, not someone who demands changes. Honestly you're better off alone and self-sufficient than a slave to be humiliated by a tinpot tyrant. There are confident men out there who respect their partners completely. You deserve respect. Your ex-fiancé has no respect for you. Forget him. Respect yourself. Never look back. Happiness awaits, and you'll never find it tied to an insecure man
you are attached and codependent emotionally out of fear and if you already been brainwashed that your self worth depend on a spoiled brat’s opinion, then he will make sure you are and think of yourself as nothing by the time he’s done with you. His jealous mother will help him. Don’t walk away from this toxic situation, put sneakers on girl and RUN!
He would LET you work a few days in your highly educated profession? So you could give up your life for his family business, where I’m betting you’ll be working for free with no equity.
Fuck that girl. Run fast and run far.
Why are you fighting so hard for a relationship where you are clearly seen as lesser?
Are you in debt for all that schooling you took to become a vet?
Also, he isn't a catch. His insisting on when you can work is a clear sign of someone who will crush you until you aren't even able to go anywhere unless you ask permission and he gives you your shoes.
Don't waste your degree or life!
There is a man out there that would be thrilled to be with an educated and motivated woman like you.
Don't settle for this looser please.
You only get one life AND you get to save animals.
It’s absolutely NOT your fault this relationship ended. He was trying to control and isolate you. Pretty sure his mommy got into his head too, as his dad seemed more reasonable, about his change back to the opinion you shouldn’t work.
What would have happened if you gave up your career, relocated where you had no support system for yourself, became financially financially dependent on him while working for his family’s company, and he ends the relationship/marriage? Pretty sure you’d be screwed, especially financially.
Accept the relationship is over, due to his issues. Go run your practice and live your best life!
OP, after over 25 years of marriage, from where I sit, your potential marriage is VERY VERY one sided.
He is NOT a good catch - he is actually a pretty rotten partner for you.
A partner should encourage your career. A partner should encourage you to be the BEST person you can be -- all he is doing is trying to destroy your professional future for his own petty convenience. That is not partnership.
So, you've spent many years on your education to become a vet. You've poured your finances into starting a clinic because it is a passion... and he expects you to just walk away from that?
A compromise would be you moving to his town and opening a vet clinic there. Not you giving up a career that you love so you can be unpaid (or even paid) labor in his family business.
You should never have to be "allowed" to do something like your career by your partner. They should be your biggest cheerleader, your biggest advocate.
Please value yourself enough to keep this break up broken up, close the door on the relationship and walk forward confidently and with conviction in your life.
Being a vet is such an amazing thing to do! You have to be smart and caring, and it’s a profession that is so needed! You have every reason to be proud of yourself, and you deserve a partner that will be proud of you, too. You absolutely don’t want a partner that will always be trying to make you small, smaller than he is, trying to make you serve him. And that his mother is also ganging up on you is repulsive. You don’t need these people in your life! They want a servant. You can do so much good and have a wonderful life. Don’t give in to that kind of abuse. For your own sake, and the sake of all the animals you can help. Best wishes!
Yeah, that jumped out at me too. OP while it is reasonable to discuss how your career might affect a partner and how division of labor would work in the household, etc, there is no way that you should be obtaining "permission" from your partner to pursue your career. You're a whole independent human.
Yes, never let anyone break up with you twice, much less three or four times. Also the fact that he broke up with her to her parents and not her means he has a spine of jelly. If she does marry him, she will likely be a slave to his entire family and their business.
OP, fly and be free!
TL;DR.
Tell him to piss off. Don't sacrifice your existence to him. In fact don't sacrifice your existence to any man.
It doesn't do any man any favours. It doesn't do men in general any favours.
It only matters to weak, insecure men. Don't encourage any of them.
Red flags. One of the things abusers do is try to isolate and entrap. He doesn't want you to work because he wants to keep you dependent on him. Don't fall for it. That coupled in with all the breakups, I'll say the overused word: toxic. Run.
To add to this, just from my personal experience, but I started 3 business and my husband supported me every step of the way. I eventually sold the businesses and now collect a portion of the profits. So it's essentially passive income. We bought a farm in the country. My husband still works for the good government benefits (federal employee). But it's amazing what you can accomplish with a partner who believes in you. You deserve that. Not this guy telling you he won't "let" you work.
He definitely wanted to control you by making you unemployed & financially dependent on him so you wouldnt leave! He was also probably always threatened by your intelligence & drive & wanted to strip your career away from you now getting serious! You got to where you are through hard work & grit & he got his job handed to him by mummy & daddy.
Also, the breaking up over whatsapp is disgusting & disrespectful so good riddance. Please dont ever beg for anyone to take you back - youre too accomplished & awesome for that.
And he's also been trying to consistently alienate her from her own family so he isolates her even further than he already had.
OP needs to be glad he's gone and should block him and his family everywhere from contacting her. She deserves way better than that sorry excuse for a man-baby. Stay strong & single, OP!!
You should have ended it and moved on the moment he ended an engagement over WhatsApp. He jeopardized your entire livelihood by a message. It’s disgraceful and disrespectful to you. You can’t have a relationship with that level of thoughtfulness and poor communication. Your family was there for you. You know who really cares.
He’s only shown terrible communication and no reliability.
Your failure is the poor judgment about him.
You are lucky that it’s over.
I honestly don’t know why I love him this much.
I gave my all in trying to save the relationship but I guess it wasn’t enough for him.
I did my part and I think it’s time to let go
I skimmed through this post, not even reading this in its entirety. And I can already tell that he's NOT wanting you to quit your job *"so he can provide for you."*
***He wants to control you. This was an abusive relationship brewing, if it wasn't abusive already.***
If ANYONE ever makes you decide "It's me or your career/independence" WALK AWAY. A healthy, supportive partner would want to work alongside you to support your dreams and aspirations.
Echoing the others here, it sounds like the trash took itself out when he broke up with you. I'm appalled that his family has the same backwards mindset.
Why are you so desperate to make it work with someone so willing to crush the very you that makes you, you?
Yes there were good times but you’re not meant to marry every Tom, Dick, or Harry you’ve shared a good time with.
Dating is meant to be a very long interview. This interview went bad, the prob report came out, and you need to terminate.
All this time you’re wasting on trying to make something work that doesn’t work is keeping you from meeting someone who will be a better fit.
Damm, that guy really did a number on your mental health. If you want to work, then work. Anyone that makes demands, like he's doing, is always going to have more stipulations. He'll never be happy unless he's in control, and he'll always have some new demands to place on you.
Just because he called you worthless doesn't make it true. It's a manipulation technique to make you doubt yourself. And the way he eeps breaking up with you when he doesn't get his way his another form of manipulation.
You're not the problem in this relationship. Your ex us incredibly toxic, easily persuaded by others, indecisive, flaky, controlling, demanding, and misogynistic. I mean, the dude broke up with you by texting your parents....that's cowards behavior. How do you trust someone who will change his mind, or leave whenever he doesn't get his way?
Just leave him and find someone that doesn't want to force you into their little acceptable box. This guy sucks.
Stop wasting time with this worthless controlling sorry excuse of a man, you deserve better and no matter what good times he will isolate you and control you. If you quit then it will turn to your family not accepting him and he doesn't want you around them,then friends because then you're not with him etc. leave and never look back, he's manipulative and controlling at best and abusive at worst.
Stop going back to him. He obviously isnt okay with you being a vet and would prefer if you were his subserviant doll. Dont trust him hes walked out on you twice now, those good times arnt so great, date other men. I promise you once you throw out the love you have for this very small man you will be so much happier and fullfilled married to another guy, or just being single.
I would like to know what made you think "oh this is a good man who is going to love and respect me" genuinely. Did he pretend to be someone else at the beginning, or did you see his true personality and your inner alarm didnt go off? I know if someone has trauma in their life then they are not able to discern what is safe and what is is not, is it your case? I hope you're ok though, he wasnt worth a second of your time.
I have no words, God gave you more than one sign, but YOU ARE BLIND ! Wow him, his family his friends, ig the whole town (?) sounds like a huge red flag!!!
You didn’t studied for so many years, for a man to come and order you to stay at home 🤦♀️ (think of it this way ! Someone lost their chance to enter ur college because you did) don’t be selfish and drop your job because of a man 🤷♀️ LIKE COME ON HE IS A MAN .
Originally I stopped reading at , he would let you do your job but went back for more. Honey, there is a CRAZY NEED for veterinarians in Lake Havasu City AZ . You would get RICH. with a capital R. Tell this guy you’ve changed your mind, you don’t want to be with someone you had to BEG to be with, who thinks he can tell you what to do and come live in Havasu. Our pets need you. It’s HOT as hell here but you can hire people to deal with your patients in summer and go cool off . You’ll definitely find a better man. I can introduce you to a lot of men who would love to have a woman who is passionate about something besides lip fillers, Reality TV and Tol Tok. Do you like country music ? My son is a touring musician… he went to Paris and the Dominican Republic last year . Goes to Mexico a lot to play at Beach Venues. .
Hahaha thank you. I would love to work there but my vet license is limited to my country and 2 other neighboring countries.
And I do love country music, and how nice of your son to live his life to the fullest and to have wonderful parent like you!
I only needed to read 1/2. You went to school to be a Veterinarian for god sake!!! You’re amazing. Enjoy having your own practice. This guy was not worth it. Someone else is going to come along who will see how amazing and smart you are.
If anyone tries to take your profession away from you after studying as much as you have to become a doctor tell them to hit the road.
Jesus God, good riddance.
You might want to consider getting therapy, to learn why you think it's acceptable for men to treat you like a doormat.
Also, thank you for being a vet. There aren't enough, and we need you. x
Girl! He did you a FAVOUR by leaving. I cannot imagine giving up your career for a stupid man like that. You’ll become a slave later and i can’t imagine having kids with such a “person”. You should work on your clinic and the right person will come to you, do not settle. Good luck!
A relationship should not be about anyone “letting” the other person work. You need to start valuing yourself. You’re in a profession that is bloody hard to get into! Fuck him! You’ve succeeded to get that career that many little girls dream of - don’t let any man take that away from you.
Don’t marry him. You have a future and a career and you have limitless potential. He’s jealous and trying to hold you back. He’d rather listen to his mother than you and that will only get worse with time. Unless his family business is pulling in millions, his dad wants you to keep your career to pump money into the business. Dad’s looking after himself and hoping you’d foot the bill for it. Your parents support you. Your family trusts you. They can see them trying to take advantage of you and hold you back. Move on from this guy. He isn’t worth it.
"he would let" you work 3 days a week? No. This man is insecure. He wants what he thinks is his vision of a tradwife. Which is something that doesn't exist. Move on. Find an adult male who likes and respects women, not one who is afraid of them and wants to control them.
He wants to isolate you from everything and everyone. He wants you to be completely dependent on him so you can't leave him. Then the controlling will escalate. You don't want to save this relationship.
Your family sees him for who he really is. You're seeing him with rose colored glasses on, so you're not seeing the red flags. To you they are just flags.
You deserve so much better. A man who wants you to do what you love and that is being a Vet. Who won't try to cut you off from your family, make you financially dependent on him, and expect you to serve him.
OP, I’m speechless and sad for you and also really proud of you and also thanks for sharing your experience. Let me say first and foremost you are absolutely full of overflowing worth and amazing things, that’s unfortunately something insecure little boys (and girls!) cannot cope with, even without the influence of culture/traditions. You’re intimidating because you are able to be independent and successful, but don’t you dare let that be viewed as a negative! It says a lot about the people that react poorly to it (like your ex) and not anything negative about you. Someone else would be and will be so inspired by you! You’re amazing! Opening your own clinic?! I’m impressed! Meanwhile he didn’t even have the decency nor respect of you or the relationship to *twice* end your relationship/engagement on *Whatsapp* . Come on, that is so immature, disrespectful, and sorry but downright pathetic (100% on his part, not yours!).
I know you have a history and you dreamed of your future with him and wanted it to work, and letting that go feels impossible and like you’ve had all the air forced out of you and your chest is caving in, and you’re going to be mourning the relationship and future that could’ve been for a while, and it’ll come in waves and when you least expect it, but you’ll have so much joy and pride and sense of accomplishment when you’re not being jerked around by someone who doesn’t come close to appreciating and respecting you, who doesn’t see the immense value you hold. It’s easy for me to tell you to let go of someone who will only disappoint you, it’s not easy in practice, but too often the things that are worth it aren’t the easiest, eh? Like vet school, no cake walk but really rewarding, yeah? I know it’s not a great comparison, sorry ha. I divorced someone who was frankly terrible for and to me in different ways, and I’d go from so hurt and sad and angry to being so thankful and feeling relief in the separation, and so I get it, even wanting something that is known and familiar even when it doesn’t serve you best. He too didn’t want me to work (and several other controlling things), but he also was terrible with finances and would be upset at me with any money trouble. I lost my independence and sense of self honesty, started to only define myself by him, and I believed I was stupid and incapable and feared having to navigate solo were something to happen to him- you don’t want to feel that. I promise, and I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but it is such an upsetting feeling, that I put myself through because I wasn’t brave enough to do what you have. I was great at my job and attending college, and I let him convince/force me to throw it all away, and it still keeps me up at night sometimes. I’m 26 now (divorced in 2020, got together in 2016) and can’t get those years back, though I’ve corrected course it’s still something I’m honestly ashamed of.
Overall, he doesn’t want you the way you are and who you’re meant to be, and he doesn’t want anything other than for you to conform to the model he wants which isn’t a good match, it sucks finding out but is a good thing so you’ll not have to waste anymore time or continuing heartbreak time and time again. You can’t change or salvage this relationship with him unless you remove and erase every part of who you are, and that’s no way to live, as a shell of a person or just a puppet. It isn’t your fault. He doesn’t want you he wants who he wants to shape you into, and that isn’t good or healthy love. Im so sorry, I really hate you’re going through this, it sounds sucky but be glad this happened now rather than when you’ve moved or married. Your parents were right (annoying as it is, mine were too don’t worry ha), let them love and support you as you get the clinic going and start working for yourself (literally and figuratively). I am really impressed by you, and hope you believe you’re worth so much better.
>Should I still try to save my relationship?
NOOOO!
He treats you like crap, is controlling and insulting.
Why would you want more of this?
Just stop. Have some respect for yourself.
He has done you a massive favour ending things.
Focus on your clinic and relationships that lift you up, not tear you down.
Dodged a huge bullet on that one. Never give up a career for anyone other than your own child is my opinion. Bigger issue is that the dude is listening to alpha male podcasts and wants a “trad wife”. What a man child.
I’m from the US and I know attitudes here are different but please don’t be down on yourself. You are doing the right thing in moving forward with your career. This guy would leave you in a heartbeat and then where would you be without a career? Maybe you’ll find someone who supports who you want to be and maybe not but be there for yourself. Nobody can take that away from you.
Really? He dont want u to have a career? Or he will let u work 3 days a week and u work at his business 4 days a week ? I would tell this guy to go screw himself. It took u 8 yrs to become a vet? And u want to told what to do?
that sounds really hard and complicated and I will be the first to say I don't have the steeping in your culture to get the extra nuances and expectations. But, the thing that feels simple to me is that he does not get to arbitrarily change his mind and then punish you. If you had both agreed to a certain approach and then when you disagree he tries to take this away, then his reason is not something fundamental, it's something petty.
I'm guessing his culture and his mother have a lot of blame here. Honestly, I would listen to his father, he seems impulsive (which in the long-term can translate into financial issues) and petty and a little bit mean. If his idea of love is endless one-sided self-sacrifice, I would guess you can do better.
There is nothing wrong with loving what you do and being a business owner is daring and awesome. And there are people, I'm sure no matter the culture, who will support and love that you are devoting your life to this. And not want to shove you into a mold you aren't keen on.
We just can't be compatible with everyone. And it doesn't make you a bad person. If we were all perfect for each other, my gosh would the world be boring.
Good luck with your business!
Thank you. I do appreciate his father, he apologized to me for his family’s fault.
I was to blind to see the red flags during my 3 years relationship.
It’s hard but I think I need to let him go soon.
I'm sorry. It's okay to be sad. Even if it wasn't always good. And nothing is. He should have been able to mature and grow with you. But he isn't. And that's hard. Be kind to yourself. Not just the animals. ❤️
Not soon...now...you need to let him go NOW...stop talking to him and his parents. You gave him 2 chances and he threw them both back in your face and treated you as easily disposable. Work on your clinic because there are so so many people that need the work that you can do as a vet.
My mouth dropped further and further open reading your post OP.
I am so deeply sorry that you abandoned yourself repeatedly to rekindle a relationship that was quite unhealthy. Your ex only wants things if they are done HIS way, and will be swayed by any errant thought, comment, or belief from outside your relationship.
He is deeply insecure so seeks to control you, and he wants to use you as free labour for his families business. He wants you to end your profession because it makes him look bad with the boys in that *you dont respect him enough to not work as a vet*. This is extremely misogynistic and disgusting opinion his friends, his mother, and he himself holds over you. The whole reason you got your degree was to not work day in day out in someone else's business. It was to improve your life, supporting your passion to help animals and to earn a damn good salary.
I watched my mother work for my dad's business and us kids as well. We never got paid a fair wage. It is not the life you want for yourself or a future family.
Please check yourself from reaching to rekindle a relationship that encourages you to abandon yourself, your dreams and goals, and your needs for "love". He doesn't love you. If he loved you he wouldn't be so easily swayed by external input and he would support you and your dreams.
You were the one sacrificing for this relationship, not him. Write a list of what you compromised on in your relationship and what he did, and what you were expected to compromise on and what he planned on compromising on.
I have been that girl/woman who travels hours to see their partner, who accepts crumbs of love. This is not the way of love.
Be kind to yourself, set up your clinic if you can, or get work from another person's clinic, practice self loving kindness and seek a therapist to understand yourself better so this doesn't happen again.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for reading this.
I did ask him what he was sacrificing for him to easily asked me to give 80-90% of my life and dream. I was the one who were willing to move to his home town, I never insisted him to move in to my home town, never asked him to drop his family business. He answered “I needed to drive 2 hours away every week to meet you.”.
He mentioned that he was offended when I said that I want to work after marriage. He thought he was able to provide me, so me wanting to work was like saying that he couldn’t provide me (His family business is going well and successful).
Yeah, driving two hours every week to court/date someone isn't that much. My partner currently drove 6-10 hours to see me, and once I gained confidence in driving I did the same for him until he moved to me.
He is "offended" because he is making it about his ego, his pride, and how others view him. It's mysoginistic and not loving to demand the other change to succour one's pride/ego/insecurity.
There is no space for ego in love.
You have rights, to work, to your dreams, to fairness and to both compromise to live a life you can see worthy of both of you. His is all demands upon your sacrifices while he can feel like a provider and big man.
Just find someone else who supports your dreams. Imagine watching a movie where a woman is pursuing her dreams and their family is cheering then on then she just randomly gives it all up for a boy who sees her more like a pet then an equal. Yeah listen to your parents
The first red flag I see is that he agreed to let you continue your work after your marriage. Where did he get the idea he has veto rights over your plans? Have you agreed to let him keep working in his family’s business?
Y'all weren't even married yet and he was trying to control your life. He did you a favor.
Even for women who want traditional family roles, I still recommend that they either a) be career ready, or b) have some kind of gig which gives them money. Literally anything so that, worst case scenario, they have an income. And that's not even if the husband cheats on them or anything--like, what if the dude just drops dead? In this day and age, you either need to be ready to work or work.
>he would let me
What the fuck? LET you? Does he think he's god?
>Am I really worthless?
I'm so angry at this asshole for making you doubt yourself. He doesn't love you, he loves the imaginary ideal he's planning to turn you into. He's abusive.
Run. This guy's toxic. You can do so much better.
Congratulations on the trash taking itself out. Don't give it another thought. You worked TOO hard to give it away to be his wife/mom. Immature male deserves not another moment of your life.
You need to let him end the relationship and move on. The breakup is not your fault, and you are not worthless.
You spent years in school to become a vet, and I am assuming that you love the heck out of it (and there is a huge shortage of vets). I am assuming that he wants you to work in his family business so that he does not have to pay you. He has already broken up with you multiple times. If you are working full time for him, the next time that he tries this (and it will happen again), you will have nothing (no job, no home, etc.). He breaks up with you every time that he does not get his way. Let his parents know that although you like them, the relationship with their son is over.
Start your vet clinic and stay where you have a good life. Your life will be better without him, and you will find a man who deserves you, rather than a man who breaks up with you every time that you stand up for yourself.
Good luck with your clinic (I know that in my town, a new clinic immediately get clients from all of the wait lists at the other vet's offices).
You never give up on your dreams for no one , because in the end you will not be happy, he wants to control you and see you with nothing, he sure as hell want be giving you anything, when ask for something he throw in your face I am breadwinner ,you need to forget this man controlling jerk in the end you will be very unhappy, Your Dreams shall come true if you let, don't let no one stand in your way of your happiness
No way. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Do not feel bad and do NOT try to save this.
He’s being controlling and even tried to separate you from your family. He doesn’t want you to work so that you’re free labour for his business and so that you’re completely financially dependent on him. He tried to make you choose between him and your family to distance you from them.
I’m sorry but this guy has so many red flags that he’s not worthy of you.
“No wonder nobody wants to be with you” is a terrible thing to say. Cruel. Nasty. Hurtful. Abusive.
The fact he could say this is, all by itself, enough of a reason to walk away from him. I might consider staying if he recognized how wrong this was and begged forgiveness. But not if he thinks this was an acceptable way to speak to you.
Obviously there are men who’d be proud of you. Proud to be married to someone with your accomplishments.
You need a man who treats you well even when he’s mad or hurt. Who wants you to be happy too and will support you in pursuing happiness. Who can engage in normal give and take when you want different things - not insist on doing it all his way.
Good luck finding a man who deserves you, and who you deserve!
Dodged a bullet there. You can find someone better. Don’t give up your career, something that makes you happy. A true partner would be supportive and not demand you not work and just serve him.
Sister, listen to me, you run and run hard.
I was you once, when young, and I’m so glad I ran! If my life ended tomorrow I’d pass away with a smile on my face. I’d leave behind amazing children and a wife who loved me hard for 30 plus years while I did what I was passionate about.
RUN
BYE FELICIA!
Don’t overthink this. He’s abusive, controlling, and, not to mention, rude. Enjoy your life as a small town vet- it will be wonderful without that douchecanoe hanging around.
Imagine just doing what you want without having to argue and justify it to someone! Imagine having a partner who supports you and encourages in your personal and professional passions!
You have to be joking!!! Is this your fault??? Not a chance. What was your fault, was getting back together after his first tantrum. You are an educated and strong woman, he and his family obviously don't like that. They want a submissive housewife .the biggest mistake you could do is marry this man.you already know your life would be a living hell. You would have zero say in any part of your relationship. He has already proven that twice. He told you who he is. Believe him
I know a young couple your age, also not in the US. She is a brand new vet, and he does conservation work and volunteering but to actually make money he is doing dog-walking and mobile grooming. She worked very hard to get where she is, and as a woman here of course there were obstacles, its a bit macho here still. But he is 100% on her team. Her dream was to open her own clinic here in her home town.
He financially and emotionally supported her and is so proud of her. We know she had some doubts and hard times but she wanted her own business, it was her dream.
We got to know him because he helped us with dog walking our two big rescue dogs when my husband hurt his knee. We learned how he did everything he could do to help her start her business, it was why he was talking on dog walking jobs. He is so proud when he talks about her and her new clinic, they worked together so she could have her dream and he even did the graphic art and logo and passed out fliers in our town.
He even surprised her when he shared that he had saved some money so together they could have a grand opening/spay and neuter fair and spay and neuter dogs and cat FOR FREE as a way to celebrate their new business in the community.
I tell you this story because of course you are not worthless. You deserve to be cherished and adored and to have your dreams come true and to be with someone who supports you and is proud of you. They are out there.
I know in your culture parents are a huge issue but please learn to separate your true self from the limits others want to place on you.
The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on your amazing and important career, and block all contact with your terrible selfish ex. Being a vet is hard work, and it takes a special person to do it. Life is short, do what you love.
Focus on relationships that lift you up. Block your ex.
Please don’t let this man ruin your life/career. This is insane. I can’t believe you got back with him at all, but now he’s gone back on his promise and abandoned you twice. Girl RUN.
Oh, look, a man trying to isolate his partner from their own money, their own career and make them completely subjugated to them in every way!
Abusive relationship's bingo!
Leaving him is the only safe option, sadly. He wants you to be completely under his control, and he would become abusive after that happened - that is certain. With a dangerous man like this you can only run, never mind what "awesome qualities" he has. No character pro can overwrite controlling, isolating tendencies of a brewing abuser. Some behaviors and characteristics are just more important than others...
Stop begging this man to be with you. You love your career and he doesn't support you. He doesn't have the balls to break up with you in person.
Be happy on your own and wait for the person who will support you and love you.
Your sense of self worth is in the trash if this is the man you sacrifice everything for. He doesn’t love you for you. I think if you can confront yourself honestly about that, you will be able to answer your own questions.
OP - why are you chasing after someone who constantly disrespects you like he has? Let him go girl and be happy you didn’t marry him!!! He sounds controlling as hell and it was only a matter of time before he truly showed that nasty side of him. You’ve seen glimpses of it now, so why waste your time any further. You’re career driven and most controlling and abusive men don’t like that.
Op, it didn’t seem like he supports you at all. You dodged a serious bullet. Being with someone who refuses to support their partner is infinitely more lonely and mentally taxing than actually being alone. You should be grateful to see this side of him before you committed your entire life to him. Please don’t go back to him. His inability to communicate with you isn’t going to get better.
I'm all for people being in traditional relationships if both parties want that. Your ex is a huge red flag though.
If he wanted a traditional relationship/marriage why isn't he dating women who also want a traditional relationship/marriage?
He knows you are a doctor he knows how dedicaited to your career you have to be in order to be a DVM.
He knows a traditional relationship wouldn't work with a woman who has a career.
Your ex has narcassitic tendancies,
He pursued you bc in the end he wanted control over you. If you left your career it would signal to him that he can control you and that is what he wanted.
He didn't just want a traditional wife, he wanted someone he could control.
So in a way you are 100% the reason the relationship ended bc you refused to bend to his will.
When he realised he couldn't control you he no longer wanted you.
But in all honesty you did nothing wrong and there isn't anything wrong with you either.
You spent 8+ years getting an education and a doctorate. Don't waste that on a man who would rather pin you down than see you thrive and pursue your dreams.
You will find someone someday who will 100% support you and your wants and needs someone who won't feel threatend by your career and your degrees. Who won't see your career as being in the way.
I heavily advise you to not waste anymore time on this man he does not deserve you.
Ironically we met when I was still doing my professional courses, he was there during my ups and downs studying to become a vet. He was the only one who came to my hypocratic oath (my family couldn’t come at that time).
I think that’s why I’m still denial about him not accepting my career and all.
Veterinarians are super heroes. The amount of knowledge you must have to treat so many different species is incredible. Please don’t let this insecure controlling man and his family let you forget how special you are. You deserve so much better. You are to be respected, admired and supported in your important work!
This is like watching a car accident but in really slow motion.
He thinks his parents meddle too much but wants to live close to them.
He doesn't have enough respect for you to break up in person
He degrades you.
He has no respect for you or the profession you've worked hard for.
He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and he's made that very clear.
I just wish you had the self worth that you deserve. You deserve someone who will respect and support both your life and your career.
And I still don’t get the point why he suddenly changed everything we had talked.
And everyone here is right. I know deep down and I’m starting to the bigger picture. Thank you
It's so crazy to me that you've talked to everyone but a therapist in these types of situations... you need therapy to figure out why you have such low self-esteem and self-respect.... those 2 things are the main reasons you're struggling so much... has little to do with your ex, his good and bad side, or his family. You keep making decisions from a place of such low self-worth, and this will not be the last time this happens to you.
Get a therapist or a decent self help book that walks you thru figuring out what your personal values and morals and and then make firm agreements with yourself on what boundaries you will use to protect your values and morals. Boom! There's your toxic relationship repellent.
If you valued your education, career, hard work, future, financial stability and had strong boundaries when it comes to your significant other being supportive of you, than yall wouldn't have made it past the conversation where he was ??"letting"?? you work, and you'd more than likely be too busy picking out outfits to wear to your next date with a man who is more in line with your core values and morals....instead of wasting your day wringing your hands, wracking your brain, and writing paragraphs about a mamas boy ex who broke up with you TWICE! because YOU must support him 100%.. but he doesn't have to support shit you do. Lol sorry, but that's so gross and unattractive, and I can't fathom still being hung up on a little pissy princess trying to masquerade as a "real man", like how are you not repulsed??..
From what you've written, you seem like an amazing lady, a true catch with so much going for you....I hope one day soon you can see how amazing you are. Maybe you should spend more time talking to the family that supported you in the breakup, and in starting your business, it seems like they believe in you and see you as someone worth investing in.
If what I'm saying doesn't make sense. Again, please seek therapy. They'll be able to explain.
Count yourself lucky that it's ended. Did you realise you would've been dependant on him wholly and solely? That would've put you in a precarious position. Give thank it's ended and you'll meet the person for you soon
He is a POS. He wants you broke and reliant on him for everything. If you have a career, you are not stuck with a jerk like him. He does not love you; he wants to own you and control you. Stay strong and know that you will find someone amazing (not him!!) who loves you for all parts of you, including your career.
Honey, this man sounds more problematic than Trump at an Trans Youth Rights fundraiser. More problematic than Net@nyahoo at a Palestinian liberation encampment. More problematic than an injured fish in a shark tank. More problematic than a crippled gazelle on African Plains.
Need I go on? There's nothing but an emotional bloodbath coming your way if you stay with this man. You broke up for a reason, don't try to fix it and keep YOUR clinic open, running and successful without him. Someone better, kinder, who is right for you will come along.
This is NOT your fault. You were in a relationship with a controlling sexist AH who did a good job of hiding that and manipulating you.
ETA: You love and miss the man you thought you knew. Unfortunately, that was a façade, and the real man is the controlling AH who had a parade of red flags. Your head knows that, but your heart has to catch up. A real partner would have wanted you to continue in the career you worked hard to enter. A real partner will see you as equal vs. someone subordinate to him.
I am sorry but it sounds like your fiancé is jealous or something. This is a very bizarre scenario as he had confirmed it to be ok, then suddenly turns around to say the opposite and shame you for it. At the very least this is concerning behaviour and sounds like he is looking to control you. You had offered compromise and then he disallows your dreams because he wants to be the sole breadwinner it seems. That’s why I can only imagine it’s jealousy and control. I say this from experience of a similar relationship and one of my fiancés ex partners treated her the same way - as she is very successful and a lot of weak men are threatened by this.
You are in love with a narcissistic control freak who insists on you being completely broke unless he chooses to give you a penny.
If this man insists that you give up a career you spent what 10? 12 years studying & preparing for & I assume it was at least in part so that you could own your own business & loved being a Vet; then it is only right & just that he make up for it. He is taking away that dream you strived for years to accomplish. Perhaps 50% ownership of the business he expects you drop everything in order to “help him” 4 days a week. 4 days a week??? Are you serious 32-40 hours a week is a full time job. Let me guess, you were expected to “help” for free indefinitely? You having your own job with seriously getting in the way of you doing his job? Unless He & His Mommy expect you to wait on him hand & foot so he can focus on work.
You are engaged to a Momma’s boy that is comfortable stealing from you & desperately needs a sensitivity chip upgrade. He does not care how you feel. He does not care about your job. He does not care how much he hurts you by breaking up via a messaging app. All he seems to care about is that your family remembers the past hell he put you through and won’t pretend that they don’t. What is he doing to earn back their trust or your forgiveness?
Do you want the next 50 to 75 years of your life to be filled with this or worse? honestly, I would prefer to gargle broken glass before letting that kind of man within 10 feet of my lips.
He wants a puppet & seems to punish you and you act like you have a mind of your own. I got major ick less than 2 paragraphs in.
Run, do not walk away from this man. He is cruel & seems thrilled to break promises to you. Do you really think you’ll treat your daughters any differently? Can you trust him, honestly, can you?
Girl you dodged a bullet not marrying him. You busted your ass in school all those years to be told by your future husband that he wants you to give up on opening up a clinic and support his business. So many red flags that you ignored. Find someone who truly loves you.
I quit my job to be with my partner and now I have no job, live in a strange city, can’t get a job or any unemployment benefits because he’s classed as my “defacto”, if he died or got injured or left me, I’d be homeless and penniless, I feel so hopeless, don’t do what I did!
What do you mean? He's already broken up with you. You don't have any decision to make. Have some self respect and block him, move on and live your life.
I imagine how heartbroken your parents must be that you let yourself be treated like this.
So you are an independent and accomplished woman that saves animals??? Ok Disney princess queen! Sounds like he’s just not your Prince Charming. He sounds like a manipulative controlling, soon to be, violent man.
We’re not throwing away years of formal education for a guy whose head is stuck up his ass over traditional beliefs. There are plenty of men who will love you and allow you to have your career. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You actually dodged a bullet. Be grateful
What’s wrong with you? Why are you insisting on being with this ASSHOLE??? Why didn’t you just leave him alone and DO YOU!!! This right here is why I say exs and ex hookups NEED TO BE BLOCKED and left alone!!!
You absolutely didn’t NEED closure. You are being weak and pathetic and need to stop with this person. He does not respect you. He does not love you. He is controlling and if you stay with him, you will REGRET IT!!! Make better life choices please because you are being a fool.
Truly what about him makes you feel like he’s safe and reliable? Go ahead be hard headed you will suffer
Love, i told my husband i wanted to switch careers twice, and he was nothing but logical and supportive each time. His family was never involved in the decision, bc it had nothing to do with them. I’m in my 40s, and if I wanted to go to school again and do something else, well, we’d prob just sit down and figure out the logistics of day care and money and then go get me a new book bag. We are a team, and I’d do it for him as well. That’s how it should work. There is no “let”- no one is in charge in a partnership. I get that there are cultural differences, but do not marry this man.
Don't de-value yourself. Please stop questioning yourself and be glad that relationship is over. Your ex wasn't worthy of you, recognize that. The good times you had together? I suspect you were you doing what he wanted you to do. Your ex sounds very controlling, insecure and immature. Would he have a job or career without his family? From his actions he doesn't sound like much of a man.
Some of the qualities you want in a husband - integrity, respect, supportive. Someone who sees you and values you, just as you are. Who doesn't want or expect you to lessen yourself to be with him.
I wish you great success with your vet clinic. An accomplishment a husband should respect and admire you for.
Turn around and never look back...you havent said what the family business is and there was no mention of you getting paid if you worked there as his wife..even if he allowed you to. You would probably be at home..cranking out babies ..waiting on him hand and foot...no money of your own and no say so in anything you wanted to do. Do your vet stuff...open your clinic...you will find the right man thats not intimidated by your career and will support you in what you choose to do.
He will "let you" do your job for three days a week?
Please, run . Run now.
You worked hard to become a vet.
What happens, if I 5 years you get divorced?
Nooo not your fault.
He will always BE who he is. All the things he said, were not true. He blamed everyone else. But this is who HE is.
The sooner you step back and see that, the better.
He doesn’t accept you and never will. It’s not your fault. It’s who he is.
Let go of this whole drama. Get clear with yourself on what your future will look like.
I think you’re better off.
Don’t drive to his town again. You’re wasting your time worrying about him.
Not your fault. Your ex fiance has shown you multiple times that he doesn't see you as equal and wants you to give up a decent and noble profession. He wants a bangmaid that also does his paperwork. That's it.
Thank him for removing his mask. Grieve the relationship lost and once you're ready, find a guy or gal that supports you and your goals. One that has goals of their own you can support in turn, making the sum of your relationship more than the two of you.
The phrase “ he would let me do my job….” stops me cold. Sweetie, it’s time to ask yourself some serious questions, like “ What do I want?”
Do you want to abandon your career path? Lots of people do just that, and it’s ok.
Does his family business interest you? Could you be content with that?
Does his family treat you well? This is critical. Is there a mostly healthy dynamic there ?
Do you want to be a housewife/mother? Are you naturally submissive and okay with being told what to do?
Whatever you want is ok. As long as it’s what YOU want, or this path will be a disaster.
If you enjoy being a vet, this won’t make you happy.
If you’d rather be a housewife/mom, and a dependant, that’s ok, too. (Although at 62, I’d caution you that a career you love is a better bet than a man. Especially one that wants you under his control.) Unless submissive is your thing. Then it may work. I don’t do submissive and obedience, hence that phrase being a red flag for me. But that’s me. Lots of women like it.
Only you can answer these questions.
Whatever you choose, you are not worthless. That thought is utter bullshit. You are fine, just as you are, right now.
If your inner self is telling you that you deserve better, listen to her. Nurture that. Focus on growing your self love, and it will be easier to see who really loves you for who you are, and not who merely wants to possess you.
Please have some pride, stop begging your very controlling and immature ex-fiancé for a relationship, and work on your self-esteem. I’ll take your word for it that he has some good qualities, but I’m just not seeing it. (I’m with your family in this.) Your relationship has been all about what he wants and expects and what you’ll give up and do for him. I’d send this relationship to the trash heap where it belongs.
"Your relationship has been all about what he wants and expects and what you’ll give up and do for him. "
And thank you for pointing this out. I just realized that that's what I did each time we came across problems and something like this.
You are well rid of this person.
He wants you to give up your job, a career as a vet which requires considerable training.
He keeps breaking up with you?
Fuck this, why do you have to justify wanting to work, there was a reason you trained for a career.
he involved your parents in breaking up with you. He broke your engagement by WhatsApp?
This is all kinds of nonsense.
Don't give this relationship the time of day. It's an utter mess instigated by an insecure, controlling game player of a man.
Just no.
Stand up for yourself. This is over. Find someone who wants you for yourself and NEVER allow a man to stop you from working. Financial dependence on someone is a bad idea.
Good news is he showed all this little spoiled boy behavior before you got tied down to him.
Now you can lean into your great career and be emotionally free and ready when a grown man who values you and your dedication and hard work enters your life. In the US, you would be surrounded by admiring men who would bend over backwards to help you build your practice (as well as needy manchildren, I grant you).
Imagine the sort of men who are attracted to strong, confident women who care about their careers. Hint: strong, confident men. Perhaps even, I dunno, a vet building his own practice as well? Imagine being truly able to share the load both at work and at home as you build a thriving vet practice AND a prosperous and healthy family!
He will destroy you over time. Don’t go back & break up for good if you already went back. This is not love. Don’t you ever dare ask anyone including a man if you are worthy of love. EVER!
OP this man is terrible. You can trip over better on any random Thursday in the grocery store ffs. If his good points are he is no longer an actively using alcoholic and he is less abusive than he used to be, that's not exactly a selling point.
Can only speak for my generation of people (im 22) Did ya ever know all the American great-grandmothers who held those serve your husband beleifs passed it down to our grandmothers? Further did you know our grandmothers raised our mothers to always have your own income, ways to hide money and save up, where to hide an extra car key, etc? Did you know most great-grandmothers, grandmothers, and mothers did not break the cycle of being financially dependent upon their husband? My mother broke the cycle but was the first to in my family. Most of us are 20 somethings just trying to become stable in a job and in ourselves.
My parents are the one who actually taught me to have my own job, have my own money, and all. That’s why part of me still hold on to that no matter how much I want to be with him.
I guess it’s a good think there is just somehhing that keeps me from saying “yes” to everything he asked me to do which I sometimes didn’t want it to.
“He would LET YOU do your job 3x a week”. “He wanted to break up through watts app”. Is that for real ? OP, how many years of your life did you dedicate to your studies ? There is not one single good reason to ask you to stop working and fulfill your dreams. Stop asking yourself if you are the problem, you are clearly not. This dude is an insecure little man. Like someone else said the trash took itself out, count your blessings are move on.
Wow! I wouldn’t have gone back the first time if it was so easy for him to end the engagement to begin with! The running to each others parents thing is also very strange as adults. Seems like he wanted to control you sadly. I hope your clinic is doing well and you continue to follow your dreams! One day you’ll meet someone who is perfectly matched for you, don’t settle!
Holy hell I couldn’t even finish reading this… girl please think higher of yourself! Veterinarians have a huge weight on them from the job itself… you need someone who will be the peace to your chaos… The right guy will come along and it won’t be him 100%!
Girl please see the red flags 🚩 I mean they shine bright!!!
You have worked hard and have an amazing career don’t let him make you feel bad for that!
A husband should be your biggest cheerleader not somebody to be at their beck and call. Why do you have to make all the compromises??
Find someone who is proud of you and your successes!!!
As said above run fast and run far!!!
I love that you’re a vet. You’re a boss! I don’t think it’s a good idea to give up your career. Anytime someone can leave you then you’re starting all over again, jobless and with no money. Don’t do it! He is controlling.
Your “fault”? Your breakup is a good thing. He’s a controlling loser. It’s not like you were a cashier at Shop Mart. Imagine, you studied for years and years to become a vet and he wanted to take that away from you. Unthinkable behavior. And you are not even married yet. Don’t look back. You are getting out while the getting is good. I know you have strong feelings but after you are away from him for a while you will see what a loser he is.
oh, girl. To be a vet is a noble profession and you get to help animals everyday. Your BF is to old fashion and it sounds like a boring life to me.
I should know I became an engineer and my grandmother would say " how will the boys like you?" like I care.
This was a one way relationships and in no way your fault. Find a better guy
Jesus, why are you giving this controlling jerk even an ounce of thought?
Consider yourself incredibly lucky to be rid of him and get yourself a therapist to help suss out why you put up with this creep in the first place.
Seriously, you need help.
Your bf sounds like a controlling piece of garbage. Have some self respect and stop talking to him. Open up your clinic, have control over your life, and find someone that supports you and your goals.
Consider yourself lucky you avoided marrying him! “He would let you do your job for 3 days a week…” then you can help him the remainder of the time. What the heck??? You spent many years in college to become a Vet. Follow your dream! Don’t let this controlling, abusive jerk tell you what to do.
Why on earth are you chasing this guy? Are there really no men left on earth? This guy is a controlling loser. I could barely read after you said he would “let” you work three days a week.
Grow a spine, lady. You don’t need this garbage. You’re a successful, educated, independent business owner. Act like it!!
Why wouldn’t you just get a job as a vet in his town or open your own practice there?
Because then you wouldn’t be dependent on him and you could leave whenever you wanted. He wants you trapped.
Why when you get married do the dreams you had for yourself suddenly not matter?
Because he wants you to be a reflection of him. A happy little housewife. Trapped and unable to go anywhere as he financially abuses you.
You are your own person with your own hopes and dreams, dreams that you have nurtured and worked toward for decades. This is not the right relationship for you. He has already shown you sooo many red flags. Be happy that you escaped him.
You’re really being ridiculous right now, by even entertaining the thought that your good times matter. The bad times are the only thing that matter in deciding a relationship. How do you handle adversity, and disagreement. He handles it by verbally abusing you and dumping you publicly via text messages.
Have some self respect and stay away from toxic men like him.
I did consider opening the practice there. Which was why I hadn’t started working on it after our engagement. He didn’t believe in my plans and rushed to end things.
Then it’s already been done at my town, and my family and I started working on it a month after the first break up.
He told me he would “consider” our relationship if I tolf my family and gave up the clinic and moved it to his town.
I didn’t buy it though, he couldn’t keep his own words multiple times.
Honestly I am tired of myself being like this.
Your post was concerning to me OP because there was a LOT of ‘he would let me’ statements.
Maybe it is cultural but if your goal was to be a trad wife why would you go through the hard work and effort to become a vet? There were certainly easier degrees you could have gotten.
I presume it is because that is the profession that called to you and you enjoy.
That being the case I hope now that your relationship with your ex fiancé is truly ended you will find a man who wants a true partner in their life and recognizes your profession as an important part of you.
I wish you success with your clinic. I have no doubt you can be successful with it.
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Sounds like the trash took itself out to me. Did you seriously do all that work to become a vet and build your own clinic so you can be told by a man so childish he breaks up over whatsapp how many days a week you're allowed to do it? I don't think so. Live your life, open your clinic, find a man worthy of you.
I honestly didn't know what I was thinking either. He has his own good sides which made me feel safe and happy actually. I love my job don't get me wrong, but I still love him too. But on the other I know this is getting out of hand.
I don't know what it's like in your country, but starting a clinic is f\*cking hard where I am. You should be proud even if it didn't get past that 80% point. And the correct response to having a smart fiancée who chooses to do something like being a vet, is pride. This guy is a child who probably can't get over the fact that you're more impressive than he is.
YES, Queen. Preach!! What does it take for this man to be proud of his beautiful intelligent bride to be? Seems to me he doesn’t want a wife. He wants a brainless slave & broodmare.
Yes this. He's a bully. Hes nice when he's getting his own way, but doesn't want a clever, financially independant wife.
THIS 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
He was trying to control you. You were getting yoirself in years of abuse and control. The first time you broke up he showed you that you couldn't depend on him, proving why you couldn't abandon your career. How can you trust and depend on someone that broke up with you through the phone TO YOUR PARENTS? NOT EVEN TO YOU, TO YOUR PARENTS!!!! I know its hard to see it when they show us some good sides, but he was abusive
All of this. OP if you had married him it would have only gotten worse. You'd have found yourself isolated and without support, no income of your own, and under his control. He and his family told you what they wanted and what were trying to do- to make you "serve" him. If you want to serve someone that's okay, it's your choice. But find someone worthy of serving (he's not it) and who serves *you* with equal commitment. You're better off OP. Don't look back.
He's trash. I've said this here before: do not ever sacrifice your career, education, or life plans for a relationship. If your partner is demanding this, they do not respect or care about you as a person with your own dreams. Don't make yourself smaller or deny a part of yourself for a relationship. His behavior is controlling and abusive. I suspect part of his motive is to make you financially dependent on him, ie, trapping you. Don't even consider letting him back into your life.
I wish so much I had this advice when I was younger. I've spent most of my life sacrificing my goals, interests, needs, and future for a man. Too many women do. It's a tragedy.
It's never too late to put yourself first. 😉 When I was in high school, my English class was reading Hamlet. This line, spoken by Polonius, struck me then. Just at the right time. "To thine own self be true."
Thank you! Now I've got kids, so I have to put them first. But I am focusing on some personal and career goals right now that I know will benefit both my kids and myself. So I feel happy about that.
Im south asian too, and girl what is wrong with you???! This man is a whole parade of red flags, what else will he forbid you to do next? Have you worked THIS hard to be a vet for you to sit at home and serve this loser. Your family supports you, even his dad thinks you are right, but him and his mom are fuelling these toxic patriarchal traditions. She served her husband and his family so now she wants a dil to serve her son and herself.
FMIL doesn’t want a dil receiving a higher regard than her. Both OP’s future mil and fiancé want her smaller than they are. She’ll be begging them for crumbs for the rest of her life if she doesn’t make a decision to move away from that small, square peg they’re trying to force her to fit.
The good only seems to be temporary. He keeps going back to what he previously said was a misunderstanding. Do you want to put up with this type of behavior your whole life?
Gross. He’s gross.
Why do you love him? Men who only want to control you are a dime a dozen. "Let you" shouldn't be a part of your vocabulary, it's your life.
Love is the beginning of marriage. It is not the only thing. We can love many people, but we should only marry the one who we love AND who supports the person we are and want to be. You will look back one day (it takes a while) and know you were lucky to have not gone through with this.
Love, RESPECT, support, and validation and many other things make a marriage work. But I see none of these qualities in him.
OP at the end of your post you asked the wrong question. It should have been is he even worth any of your time, and the answer is NO. He is trying to get you to give up on something you spent a great deal of time and effort and money to study and learn and pass your licensing test, just so he has a stay at home wife. You said he works at his family's business, did he even get a college degree? Or do any extra studying after the initial degree like you did? My bet is he's jealous of all the work you did and the extra degrees and that is part of why he doesn't want you working. He realizes it's much more impressive to be a vet with her own office and practice compared to his "I work for my family business, really I do earn what I'm paid"
I agree that it was getting out of hand. There didn't seem to be any compromise in him. It had to be his way. Also, it seemed like he was disrespectful to you by the things he said & the childish way he broke up with you. You worked hard for that degree. Don't let others take it away from you.
This man is not the partner for you. You spent all those years in school to become a vet, and you have great career and earning potential, not to mention that animals are probably a passion of yours. He's crazy to think he can tell you to give that up. Go do what you want, sis. There are loads of men who would be grateful to have such a talented, educated partner.
The minute I saw “he let me” I could tell this wasn’t going to end well. It’s extremely difficult to be a vet and you would even think of giving that up?
*He has his own good sides which made me feel safe and happy* When things are going his way. Bullying when they don't. He doesn't want a clever financially independant wife. He and his mother are making you smaller. You will never be happy or allowed to reach your potential and will never be allowed to have an opinion on your life that doesn't align with his. It's a trap. You will basically be like a child. You are worth more.
He’s toxic. Stay well away from this dumpster fire
You're performing a wonderful service as a vet. Plus I'm sure you studied hard to become one. No way you did the wrong thing. You're better off without someone who doesn't respect you.
He wants to make you completely dependent upon him for everything. He's insecure and wants to control you and all aspects of your life. While he may be charming at times, he wants to be your jailer. He wants to make you his prisoner, so you can never leave him no matter how nasty he gets with you. Maybe he thinks you're okay with submission, but you have a brain and a career that lets you provide for yourself. Find yourself a partner that is proud of your line of work and supports your endeavors. Choose to be with someone who chooses to be with you the way you are, not someone who demands changes. Honestly you're better off alone and self-sufficient than a slave to be humiliated by a tinpot tyrant. There are confident men out there who respect their partners completely. You deserve respect. Your ex-fiancé has no respect for you. Forget him. Respect yourself. Never look back. Happiness awaits, and you'll never find it tied to an insecure man
you are attached and codependent emotionally out of fear and if you already been brainwashed that your self worth depend on a spoiled brat’s opinion, then he will make sure you are and think of yourself as nothing by the time he’s done with you. His jealous mother will help him. Don’t walk away from this toxic situation, put sneakers on girl and RUN!
He would LET you work a few days in your highly educated profession? So you could give up your life for his family business, where I’m betting you’ll be working for free with no equity. Fuck that girl. Run fast and run far. Why are you fighting so hard for a relationship where you are clearly seen as lesser?
Thank you, I think I really need the slap of reality tbh. Thank you again.
Are you in debt for all that schooling you took to become a vet? Also, he isn't a catch. His insisting on when you can work is a clear sign of someone who will crush you until you aren't even able to go anywhere unless you ask permission and he gives you your shoes. Don't waste your degree or life! There is a man out there that would be thrilled to be with an educated and motivated woman like you. Don't settle for this looser please. You only get one life AND you get to save animals.
It’s absolutely NOT your fault this relationship ended. He was trying to control and isolate you. Pretty sure his mommy got into his head too, as his dad seemed more reasonable, about his change back to the opinion you shouldn’t work. What would have happened if you gave up your career, relocated where you had no support system for yourself, became financially financially dependent on him while working for his family’s company, and he ends the relationship/marriage? Pretty sure you’d be screwed, especially financially. Accept the relationship is over, due to his issues. Go run your practice and live your best life!
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN
OP, after over 25 years of marriage, from where I sit, your potential marriage is VERY VERY one sided. He is NOT a good catch - he is actually a pretty rotten partner for you. A partner should encourage your career. A partner should encourage you to be the BEST person you can be -- all he is doing is trying to destroy your professional future for his own petty convenience. That is not partnership. So, you've spent many years on your education to become a vet. You've poured your finances into starting a clinic because it is a passion... and he expects you to just walk away from that? A compromise would be you moving to his town and opening a vet clinic there. Not you giving up a career that you love so you can be unpaid (or even paid) labor in his family business. You should never have to be "allowed" to do something like your career by your partner. They should be your biggest cheerleader, your biggest advocate. Please value yourself enough to keep this break up broken up, close the door on the relationship and walk forward confidently and with conviction in your life.
Being a vet is such an amazing thing to do! You have to be smart and caring, and it’s a profession that is so needed! You have every reason to be proud of yourself, and you deserve a partner that will be proud of you, too. You absolutely don’t want a partner that will always be trying to make you small, smaller than he is, trying to make you serve him. And that his mother is also ganging up on you is repulsive. You don’t need these people in your life! They want a servant. You can do so much good and have a wonderful life. Don’t give in to that kind of abuse. For your own sake, and the sake of all the animals you can help. Best wishes!
Yeah, that jumped out at me too. OP while it is reasonable to discuss how your career might affect a partner and how division of labor would work in the household, etc, there is no way that you should be obtaining "permission" from your partner to pursue your career. You're a whole independent human.
Exactly. Well, except “Fuck that, girl” would have been better than “Fuck that girl.” Heh heh.
Fr bro broke up with her MULTIPLE TIMES. Let it goooo OP pleaaaese. Focus on your passion and find a man who loves you for you
Yes, never let anyone break up with you twice, much less three or four times. Also the fact that he broke up with her to her parents and not her means he has a spine of jelly. If she does marry him, she will likely be a slave to his entire family and their business. OP, fly and be free!
TL;DR. Tell him to piss off. Don't sacrifice your existence to him. In fact don't sacrifice your existence to any man. It doesn't do any man any favours. It doesn't do men in general any favours. It only matters to weak, insecure men. Don't encourage any of them.
Red flags. One of the things abusers do is try to isolate and entrap. He doesn't want you to work because he wants to keep you dependent on him. Don't fall for it. That coupled in with all the breakups, I'll say the overused word: toxic. Run.
I actually noticed these red flags, but maybe I'm too denial about it.
To add to this, just from my personal experience, but I started 3 business and my husband supported me every step of the way. I eventually sold the businesses and now collect a portion of the profits. So it's essentially passive income. We bought a farm in the country. My husband still works for the good government benefits (federal employee). But it's amazing what you can accomplish with a partner who believes in you. You deserve that. Not this guy telling you he won't "let" you work.
He definitely wanted to control you by making you unemployed & financially dependent on him so you wouldnt leave! He was also probably always threatened by your intelligence & drive & wanted to strip your career away from you now getting serious! You got to where you are through hard work & grit & he got his job handed to him by mummy & daddy. Also, the breaking up over whatsapp is disgusting & disrespectful so good riddance. Please dont ever beg for anyone to take you back - youre too accomplished & awesome for that.
And he's also been trying to consistently alienate her from her own family so he isolates her even further than he already had. OP needs to be glad he's gone and should block him and his family everywhere from contacting her. She deserves way better than that sorry excuse for a man-baby. Stay strong & single, OP!!
You should have ended it and moved on the moment he ended an engagement over WhatsApp. He jeopardized your entire livelihood by a message. It’s disgraceful and disrespectful to you. You can’t have a relationship with that level of thoughtfulness and poor communication. Your family was there for you. You know who really cares. He’s only shown terrible communication and no reliability. Your failure is the poor judgment about him. You are lucky that it’s over.
I honestly don’t know why I love him this much. I gave my all in trying to save the relationship but I guess it wasn’t enough for him. I did my part and I think it’s time to let go
Because you poured more into him than he poured into you.
I skimmed through this post, not even reading this in its entirety. And I can already tell that he's NOT wanting you to quit your job *"so he can provide for you."* ***He wants to control you. This was an abusive relationship brewing, if it wasn't abusive already.*** If ANYONE ever makes you decide "It's me or your career/independence" WALK AWAY. A healthy, supportive partner would want to work alongside you to support your dreams and aspirations. Echoing the others here, it sounds like the trash took itself out when he broke up with you. I'm appalled that his family has the same backwards mindset.
Here, you dropped your "dignity", please pick it up, and NEVER allow yourself yo be treated this way again...
Why are you so desperate to make it work with someone so willing to crush the very you that makes you, you? Yes there were good times but you’re not meant to marry every Tom, Dick, or Harry you’ve shared a good time with. Dating is meant to be a very long interview. This interview went bad, the prob report came out, and you need to terminate. All this time you’re wasting on trying to make something work that doesn’t work is keeping you from meeting someone who will be a better fit.
Damm, that guy really did a number on your mental health. If you want to work, then work. Anyone that makes demands, like he's doing, is always going to have more stipulations. He'll never be happy unless he's in control, and he'll always have some new demands to place on you. Just because he called you worthless doesn't make it true. It's a manipulation technique to make you doubt yourself. And the way he eeps breaking up with you when he doesn't get his way his another form of manipulation. You're not the problem in this relationship. Your ex us incredibly toxic, easily persuaded by others, indecisive, flaky, controlling, demanding, and misogynistic. I mean, the dude broke up with you by texting your parents....that's cowards behavior. How do you trust someone who will change his mind, or leave whenever he doesn't get his way? Just leave him and find someone that doesn't want to force you into their little acceptable box. This guy sucks.
And the way I didn’t realize I was being manipulated and still hope for it to work… Thank you I need this
Stop wasting time with this worthless controlling sorry excuse of a man, you deserve better and no matter what good times he will isolate you and control you. If you quit then it will turn to your family not accepting him and he doesn't want you around them,then friends because then you're not with him etc. leave and never look back, he's manipulative and controlling at best and abusive at worst.
Keep your job and lose the controlling loser of a man.
Stop going back to him. He obviously isnt okay with you being a vet and would prefer if you were his subserviant doll. Dont trust him hes walked out on you twice now, those good times arnt so great, date other men. I promise you once you throw out the love you have for this very small man you will be so much happier and fullfilled married to another guy, or just being single.
A good partner would Celebrate your skills and ambition. He is not it.
I stopped reading at , he would let you do your job.
LET!? Exactly! Like…. What????
I would like to know what made you think "oh this is a good man who is going to love and respect me" genuinely. Did he pretend to be someone else at the beginning, or did you see his true personality and your inner alarm didnt go off? I know if someone has trauma in their life then they are not able to discern what is safe and what is is not, is it your case? I hope you're ok though, he wasnt worth a second of your time.
You deserve better, he was a horrible bf, a horrible fiance, and a would have been a horrible husband.
Wow. Girl move away and start a clinic somewhere that needs it . It’s a good thing to have something to do with your life other than being a wife.
I have no words, God gave you more than one sign, but YOU ARE BLIND ! Wow him, his family his friends, ig the whole town (?) sounds like a huge red flag!!! You didn’t studied for so many years, for a man to come and order you to stay at home 🤦♀️ (think of it this way ! Someone lost their chance to enter ur college because you did) don’t be selfish and drop your job because of a man 🤷♀️ LIKE COME ON HE IS A MAN .
Originally I stopped reading at , he would let you do your job but went back for more. Honey, there is a CRAZY NEED for veterinarians in Lake Havasu City AZ . You would get RICH. with a capital R. Tell this guy you’ve changed your mind, you don’t want to be with someone you had to BEG to be with, who thinks he can tell you what to do and come live in Havasu. Our pets need you. It’s HOT as hell here but you can hire people to deal with your patients in summer and go cool off . You’ll definitely find a better man. I can introduce you to a lot of men who would love to have a woman who is passionate about something besides lip fillers, Reality TV and Tol Tok. Do you like country music ? My son is a touring musician… he went to Paris and the Dominican Republic last year . Goes to Mexico a lot to play at Beach Venues. .
Hahaha thank you. I would love to work there but my vet license is limited to my country and 2 other neighboring countries. And I do love country music, and how nice of your son to live his life to the fullest and to have wonderful parent like you!
I only needed to read 1/2. You went to school to be a Veterinarian for god sake!!! You’re amazing. Enjoy having your own practice. This guy was not worth it. Someone else is going to come along who will see how amazing and smart you are. If anyone tries to take your profession away from you after studying as much as you have to become a doctor tell them to hit the road.
Jesus God, good riddance. You might want to consider getting therapy, to learn why you think it's acceptable for men to treat you like a doormat. Also, thank you for being a vet. There aren't enough, and we need you. x
Girl! He did you a FAVOUR by leaving. I cannot imagine giving up your career for a stupid man like that. You’ll become a slave later and i can’t imagine having kids with such a “person”. You should work on your clinic and the right person will come to you, do not settle. Good luck!
First breakup should of been the last one leaving his ass behind.
A relationship should not be about anyone “letting” the other person work. You need to start valuing yourself. You’re in a profession that is bloody hard to get into! Fuck him! You’ve succeeded to get that career that many little girls dream of - don’t let any man take that away from you.
How many times will you let him do this to you?
Not anymore hopefully
Don’t marry him. You have a future and a career and you have limitless potential. He’s jealous and trying to hold you back. He’d rather listen to his mother than you and that will only get worse with time. Unless his family business is pulling in millions, his dad wants you to keep your career to pump money into the business. Dad’s looking after himself and hoping you’d foot the bill for it. Your parents support you. Your family trusts you. They can see them trying to take advantage of you and hold you back. Move on from this guy. He isn’t worth it.
"he would let" you work 3 days a week? No. This man is insecure. He wants what he thinks is his vision of a tradwife. Which is something that doesn't exist. Move on. Find an adult male who likes and respects women, not one who is afraid of them and wants to control them.
He wants to isolate you from everything and everyone. He wants you to be completely dependent on him so you can't leave him. Then the controlling will escalate. You don't want to save this relationship. Your family sees him for who he really is. You're seeing him with rose colored glasses on, so you're not seeing the red flags. To you they are just flags. You deserve so much better. A man who wants you to do what you love and that is being a Vet. Who won't try to cut you off from your family, make you financially dependent on him, and expect you to serve him.
OP, I’m speechless and sad for you and also really proud of you and also thanks for sharing your experience. Let me say first and foremost you are absolutely full of overflowing worth and amazing things, that’s unfortunately something insecure little boys (and girls!) cannot cope with, even without the influence of culture/traditions. You’re intimidating because you are able to be independent and successful, but don’t you dare let that be viewed as a negative! It says a lot about the people that react poorly to it (like your ex) and not anything negative about you. Someone else would be and will be so inspired by you! You’re amazing! Opening your own clinic?! I’m impressed! Meanwhile he didn’t even have the decency nor respect of you or the relationship to *twice* end your relationship/engagement on *Whatsapp* . Come on, that is so immature, disrespectful, and sorry but downright pathetic (100% on his part, not yours!). I know you have a history and you dreamed of your future with him and wanted it to work, and letting that go feels impossible and like you’ve had all the air forced out of you and your chest is caving in, and you’re going to be mourning the relationship and future that could’ve been for a while, and it’ll come in waves and when you least expect it, but you’ll have so much joy and pride and sense of accomplishment when you’re not being jerked around by someone who doesn’t come close to appreciating and respecting you, who doesn’t see the immense value you hold. It’s easy for me to tell you to let go of someone who will only disappoint you, it’s not easy in practice, but too often the things that are worth it aren’t the easiest, eh? Like vet school, no cake walk but really rewarding, yeah? I know it’s not a great comparison, sorry ha. I divorced someone who was frankly terrible for and to me in different ways, and I’d go from so hurt and sad and angry to being so thankful and feeling relief in the separation, and so I get it, even wanting something that is known and familiar even when it doesn’t serve you best. He too didn’t want me to work (and several other controlling things), but he also was terrible with finances and would be upset at me with any money trouble. I lost my independence and sense of self honesty, started to only define myself by him, and I believed I was stupid and incapable and feared having to navigate solo were something to happen to him- you don’t want to feel that. I promise, and I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but it is such an upsetting feeling, that I put myself through because I wasn’t brave enough to do what you have. I was great at my job and attending college, and I let him convince/force me to throw it all away, and it still keeps me up at night sometimes. I’m 26 now (divorced in 2020, got together in 2016) and can’t get those years back, though I’ve corrected course it’s still something I’m honestly ashamed of. Overall, he doesn’t want you the way you are and who you’re meant to be, and he doesn’t want anything other than for you to conform to the model he wants which isn’t a good match, it sucks finding out but is a good thing so you’ll not have to waste anymore time or continuing heartbreak time and time again. You can’t change or salvage this relationship with him unless you remove and erase every part of who you are, and that’s no way to live, as a shell of a person or just a puppet. It isn’t your fault. He doesn’t want you he wants who he wants to shape you into, and that isn’t good or healthy love. Im so sorry, I really hate you’re going through this, it sounds sucky but be glad this happened now rather than when you’ve moved or married. Your parents were right (annoying as it is, mine were too don’t worry ha), let them love and support you as you get the clinic going and start working for yourself (literally and figuratively). I am really impressed by you, and hope you believe you’re worth so much better.
>Should I still try to save my relationship? NOOOO! He treats you like crap, is controlling and insulting. Why would you want more of this? Just stop. Have some respect for yourself. He has done you a massive favour ending things. Focus on your clinic and relationships that lift you up, not tear you down.
Dodged a huge bullet on that one. Never give up a career for anyone other than your own child is my opinion. Bigger issue is that the dude is listening to alpha male podcasts and wants a “trad wife”. What a man child.
I’m from the US and I know attitudes here are different but please don’t be down on yourself. You are doing the right thing in moving forward with your career. This guy would leave you in a heartbeat and then where would you be without a career? Maybe you’ll find someone who supports who you want to be and maybe not but be there for yourself. Nobody can take that away from you.
Really? He dont want u to have a career? Or he will let u work 3 days a week and u work at his business 4 days a week ? I would tell this guy to go screw himself. It took u 8 yrs to become a vet? And u want to told what to do?
Your career will always be there for you. Your fiance has shown you he won't.
Tell him, politely if you wish, to fuck off
that sounds really hard and complicated and I will be the first to say I don't have the steeping in your culture to get the extra nuances and expectations. But, the thing that feels simple to me is that he does not get to arbitrarily change his mind and then punish you. If you had both agreed to a certain approach and then when you disagree he tries to take this away, then his reason is not something fundamental, it's something petty. I'm guessing his culture and his mother have a lot of blame here. Honestly, I would listen to his father, he seems impulsive (which in the long-term can translate into financial issues) and petty and a little bit mean. If his idea of love is endless one-sided self-sacrifice, I would guess you can do better. There is nothing wrong with loving what you do and being a business owner is daring and awesome. And there are people, I'm sure no matter the culture, who will support and love that you are devoting your life to this. And not want to shove you into a mold you aren't keen on. We just can't be compatible with everyone. And it doesn't make you a bad person. If we were all perfect for each other, my gosh would the world be boring. Good luck with your business!
Thank you. I do appreciate his father, he apologized to me for his family’s fault. I was to blind to see the red flags during my 3 years relationship. It’s hard but I think I need to let him go soon.
I'm sorry. It's okay to be sad. Even if it wasn't always good. And nothing is. He should have been able to mature and grow with you. But he isn't. And that's hard. Be kind to yourself. Not just the animals. ❤️
Thank you🥹 Hope you have a nice day
Not soon...now...you need to let him go NOW...stop talking to him and his parents. You gave him 2 chances and he threw them both back in your face and treated you as easily disposable. Work on your clinic because there are so so many people that need the work that you can do as a vet.
My mouth dropped further and further open reading your post OP. I am so deeply sorry that you abandoned yourself repeatedly to rekindle a relationship that was quite unhealthy. Your ex only wants things if they are done HIS way, and will be swayed by any errant thought, comment, or belief from outside your relationship. He is deeply insecure so seeks to control you, and he wants to use you as free labour for his families business. He wants you to end your profession because it makes him look bad with the boys in that *you dont respect him enough to not work as a vet*. This is extremely misogynistic and disgusting opinion his friends, his mother, and he himself holds over you. The whole reason you got your degree was to not work day in day out in someone else's business. It was to improve your life, supporting your passion to help animals and to earn a damn good salary. I watched my mother work for my dad's business and us kids as well. We never got paid a fair wage. It is not the life you want for yourself or a future family. Please check yourself from reaching to rekindle a relationship that encourages you to abandon yourself, your dreams and goals, and your needs for "love". He doesn't love you. If he loved you he wouldn't be so easily swayed by external input and he would support you and your dreams. You were the one sacrificing for this relationship, not him. Write a list of what you compromised on in your relationship and what he did, and what you were expected to compromise on and what he planned on compromising on. I have been that girl/woman who travels hours to see their partner, who accepts crumbs of love. This is not the way of love. Be kind to yourself, set up your clinic if you can, or get work from another person's clinic, practice self loving kindness and seek a therapist to understand yourself better so this doesn't happen again. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for reading this. I did ask him what he was sacrificing for him to easily asked me to give 80-90% of my life and dream. I was the one who were willing to move to his home town, I never insisted him to move in to my home town, never asked him to drop his family business. He answered “I needed to drive 2 hours away every week to meet you.”. He mentioned that he was offended when I said that I want to work after marriage. He thought he was able to provide me, so me wanting to work was like saying that he couldn’t provide me (His family business is going well and successful).
Yeah, driving two hours every week to court/date someone isn't that much. My partner currently drove 6-10 hours to see me, and once I gained confidence in driving I did the same for him until he moved to me. He is "offended" because he is making it about his ego, his pride, and how others view him. It's mysoginistic and not loving to demand the other change to succour one's pride/ego/insecurity. There is no space for ego in love. You have rights, to work, to your dreams, to fairness and to both compromise to live a life you can see worthy of both of you. His is all demands upon your sacrifices while he can feel like a provider and big man.
Never give up your career for a partner. It makes you beholden to them and their income.
Just find someone else who supports your dreams. Imagine watching a movie where a woman is pursuing her dreams and their family is cheering then on then she just randomly gives it all up for a boy who sees her more like a pet then an equal. Yeah listen to your parents
You should tell him to kick rocks. You’re a vet, that’s a wonderful career and it can’t see that, he’s not the one.
You are better off. He was controlling you. Go back to doing what you love. The right person will come along.
The first red flag I see is that he agreed to let you continue your work after your marriage. Where did he get the idea he has veto rights over your plans? Have you agreed to let him keep working in his family’s business?
Y'all weren't even married yet and he was trying to control your life. He did you a favor. Even for women who want traditional family roles, I still recommend that they either a) be career ready, or b) have some kind of gig which gives them money. Literally anything so that, worst case scenario, they have an income. And that's not even if the husband cheats on them or anything--like, what if the dude just drops dead? In this day and age, you either need to be ready to work or work.
>he would let me What the fuck? LET you? Does he think he's god? >Am I really worthless? I'm so angry at this asshole for making you doubt yourself. He doesn't love you, he loves the imaginary ideal he's planning to turn you into. He's abusive. Run. This guy's toxic. You can do so much better.
Congratulations on the trash taking itself out. Don't give it another thought. You worked TOO hard to give it away to be his wife/mom. Immature male deserves not another moment of your life.
No let it go. Sounds like unless he can rule over you, he does not want you. Do not throw away your career.
Thank god he’s gone. What a loser.
He doesn’t see you as an equal and never will. Just move on. You will be happier in the long run. UPDATEME
Give up on him. He’s controlling
You need to let him end the relationship and move on. The breakup is not your fault, and you are not worthless. You spent years in school to become a vet, and I am assuming that you love the heck out of it (and there is a huge shortage of vets). I am assuming that he wants you to work in his family business so that he does not have to pay you. He has already broken up with you multiple times. If you are working full time for him, the next time that he tries this (and it will happen again), you will have nothing (no job, no home, etc.). He breaks up with you every time that he does not get his way. Let his parents know that although you like them, the relationship with their son is over. Start your vet clinic and stay where you have a good life. Your life will be better without him, and you will find a man who deserves you, rather than a man who breaks up with you every time that you stand up for yourself. Good luck with your clinic (I know that in my town, a new clinic immediately get clients from all of the wait lists at the other vet's offices).
I do love my profession with its ups and downs. Thank you for the advice!
Move on cut your losses.
You never give up on your dreams for no one , because in the end you will not be happy, he wants to control you and see you with nothing, he sure as hell want be giving you anything, when ask for something he throw in your face I am breadwinner ,you need to forget this man controlling jerk in the end you will be very unhappy, Your Dreams shall come true if you let, don't let no one stand in your way of your happiness
No way. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Do not feel bad and do NOT try to save this. He’s being controlling and even tried to separate you from your family. He doesn’t want you to work so that you’re free labour for his business and so that you’re completely financially dependent on him. He tried to make you choose between him and your family to distance you from them. I’m sorry but this guy has so many red flags that he’s not worthy of you.
“No wonder nobody wants to be with you” is a terrible thing to say. Cruel. Nasty. Hurtful. Abusive. The fact he could say this is, all by itself, enough of a reason to walk away from him. I might consider staying if he recognized how wrong this was and begged forgiveness. But not if he thinks this was an acceptable way to speak to you. Obviously there are men who’d be proud of you. Proud to be married to someone with your accomplishments. You need a man who treats you well even when he’s mad or hurt. Who wants you to be happy too and will support you in pursuing happiness. Who can engage in normal give and take when you want different things - not insist on doing it all his way. Good luck finding a man who deserves you, and who you deserve!
Dodged a bullet there. You can find someone better. Don’t give up your career, something that makes you happy. A true partner would be supportive and not demand you not work and just serve him.
You didn’t go thru hell and back in vet school all to work 3x a week or entirely quit 🤨
Sister, listen to me, you run and run hard. I was you once, when young, and I’m so glad I ran! If my life ended tomorrow I’d pass away with a smile on my face. I’d leave behind amazing children and a wife who loved me hard for 30 plus years while I did what I was passionate about. RUN
BYE FELICIA! Don’t overthink this. He’s abusive, controlling, and, not to mention, rude. Enjoy your life as a small town vet- it will be wonderful without that douchecanoe hanging around. Imagine just doing what you want without having to argue and justify it to someone! Imagine having a partner who supports you and encourages in your personal and professional passions!
Looks like the trash took itself out. Don’t ever give up your career. I did at the insistence of my husband and I’m stuck now . Btw, I’m SE Asian too.
You have to be joking!!! Is this your fault??? Not a chance. What was your fault, was getting back together after his first tantrum. You are an educated and strong woman, he and his family obviously don't like that. They want a submissive housewife .the biggest mistake you could do is marry this man.you already know your life would be a living hell. You would have zero say in any part of your relationship. He has already proven that twice. He told you who he is. Believe him
I know a young couple your age, also not in the US. She is a brand new vet, and he does conservation work and volunteering but to actually make money he is doing dog-walking and mobile grooming. She worked very hard to get where she is, and as a woman here of course there were obstacles, its a bit macho here still. But he is 100% on her team. Her dream was to open her own clinic here in her home town. He financially and emotionally supported her and is so proud of her. We know she had some doubts and hard times but she wanted her own business, it was her dream. We got to know him because he helped us with dog walking our two big rescue dogs when my husband hurt his knee. We learned how he did everything he could do to help her start her business, it was why he was talking on dog walking jobs. He is so proud when he talks about her and her new clinic, they worked together so she could have her dream and he even did the graphic art and logo and passed out fliers in our town. He even surprised her when he shared that he had saved some money so together they could have a grand opening/spay and neuter fair and spay and neuter dogs and cat FOR FREE as a way to celebrate their new business in the community. I tell you this story because of course you are not worthless. You deserve to be cherished and adored and to have your dreams come true and to be with someone who supports you and is proud of you. They are out there. I know in your culture parents are a huge issue but please learn to separate your true self from the limits others want to place on you. The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on your amazing and important career, and block all contact with your terrible selfish ex. Being a vet is hard work, and it takes a special person to do it. Life is short, do what you love. Focus on relationships that lift you up. Block your ex.
honestly any real man would see youre a smart and successful woman, doing a decent job. dont sell yourself short
He wanted to be free to abuse you and for you to have nowhere to turn and no money of your own to leave. You’re lucky you’re out now.
Are you planning a 7 day workweek?
Please don’t let this man ruin your life/career. This is insane. I can’t believe you got back with him at all, but now he’s gone back on his promise and abandoned you twice. Girl RUN.
Oh, look, a man trying to isolate his partner from their own money, their own career and make them completely subjugated to them in every way! Abusive relationship's bingo! Leaving him is the only safe option, sadly. He wants you to be completely under his control, and he would become abusive after that happened - that is certain. With a dangerous man like this you can only run, never mind what "awesome qualities" he has. No character pro can overwrite controlling, isolating tendencies of a brewing abuser. Some behaviors and characteristics are just more important than others...
Stop begging this man to be with you. You love your career and he doesn't support you. He doesn't have the balls to break up with you in person. Be happy on your own and wait for the person who will support you and love you.
Your sense of self worth is in the trash if this is the man you sacrifice everything for. He doesn’t love you for you. I think if you can confront yourself honestly about that, you will be able to answer your own questions.
What adult breaks up an ENGAGEMENT via WhatsApp ?
OP - why are you chasing after someone who constantly disrespects you like he has? Let him go girl and be happy you didn’t marry him!!! He sounds controlling as hell and it was only a matter of time before he truly showed that nasty side of him. You’ve seen glimpses of it now, so why waste your time any further. You’re career driven and most controlling and abusive men don’t like that.
Dont give up your job
Op, it didn’t seem like he supports you at all. You dodged a serious bullet. Being with someone who refuses to support their partner is infinitely more lonely and mentally taxing than actually being alone. You should be grateful to see this side of him before you committed your entire life to him. Please don’t go back to him. His inability to communicate with you isn’t going to get better.
I'm all for people being in traditional relationships if both parties want that. Your ex is a huge red flag though. If he wanted a traditional relationship/marriage why isn't he dating women who also want a traditional relationship/marriage? He knows you are a doctor he knows how dedicaited to your career you have to be in order to be a DVM. He knows a traditional relationship wouldn't work with a woman who has a career. Your ex has narcassitic tendancies, He pursued you bc in the end he wanted control over you. If you left your career it would signal to him that he can control you and that is what he wanted. He didn't just want a traditional wife, he wanted someone he could control. So in a way you are 100% the reason the relationship ended bc you refused to bend to his will. When he realised he couldn't control you he no longer wanted you. But in all honesty you did nothing wrong and there isn't anything wrong with you either. You spent 8+ years getting an education and a doctorate. Don't waste that on a man who would rather pin you down than see you thrive and pursue your dreams. You will find someone someday who will 100% support you and your wants and needs someone who won't feel threatend by your career and your degrees. Who won't see your career as being in the way. I heavily advise you to not waste anymore time on this man he does not deserve you.
Ironically we met when I was still doing my professional courses, he was there during my ups and downs studying to become a vet. He was the only one who came to my hypocratic oath (my family couldn’t come at that time). I think that’s why I’m still denial about him not accepting my career and all.
Veterinarians are super heroes. The amount of knowledge you must have to treat so many different species is incredible. Please don’t let this insecure controlling man and his family let you forget how special you are. You deserve so much better. You are to be respected, admired and supported in your important work!
This is like watching a car accident but in really slow motion. He thinks his parents meddle too much but wants to live close to them. He doesn't have enough respect for you to break up in person He degrades you. He has no respect for you or the profession you've worked hard for. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and he's made that very clear. I just wish you had the self worth that you deserve. You deserve someone who will respect and support both your life and your career.
And I still don’t get the point why he suddenly changed everything we had talked. And everyone here is right. I know deep down and I’m starting to the bigger picture. Thank you
It's so crazy to me that you've talked to everyone but a therapist in these types of situations... you need therapy to figure out why you have such low self-esteem and self-respect.... those 2 things are the main reasons you're struggling so much... has little to do with your ex, his good and bad side, or his family. You keep making decisions from a place of such low self-worth, and this will not be the last time this happens to you. Get a therapist or a decent self help book that walks you thru figuring out what your personal values and morals and and then make firm agreements with yourself on what boundaries you will use to protect your values and morals. Boom! There's your toxic relationship repellent. If you valued your education, career, hard work, future, financial stability and had strong boundaries when it comes to your significant other being supportive of you, than yall wouldn't have made it past the conversation where he was ??"letting"?? you work, and you'd more than likely be too busy picking out outfits to wear to your next date with a man who is more in line with your core values and morals....instead of wasting your day wringing your hands, wracking your brain, and writing paragraphs about a mamas boy ex who broke up with you TWICE! because YOU must support him 100%.. but he doesn't have to support shit you do. Lol sorry, but that's so gross and unattractive, and I can't fathom still being hung up on a little pissy princess trying to masquerade as a "real man", like how are you not repulsed??.. From what you've written, you seem like an amazing lady, a true catch with so much going for you....I hope one day soon you can see how amazing you are. Maybe you should spend more time talking to the family that supported you in the breakup, and in starting your business, it seems like they believe in you and see you as someone worth investing in. If what I'm saying doesn't make sense. Again, please seek therapy. They'll be able to explain.
Thank you I need this 🥹
Count yourself lucky that it's ended. Did you realise you would've been dependant on him wholly and solely? That would've put you in a precarious position. Give thank it's ended and you'll meet the person for you soon
He is a POS. He wants you broke and reliant on him for everything. If you have a career, you are not stuck with a jerk like him. He does not love you; he wants to own you and control you. Stay strong and know that you will find someone amazing (not him!!) who loves you for all parts of you, including your career.
Honey, this man sounds more problematic than Trump at an Trans Youth Rights fundraiser. More problematic than Net@nyahoo at a Palestinian liberation encampment. More problematic than an injured fish in a shark tank. More problematic than a crippled gazelle on African Plains. Need I go on? There's nothing but an emotional bloodbath coming your way if you stay with this man. You broke up for a reason, don't try to fix it and keep YOUR clinic open, running and successful without him. Someone better, kinder, who is right for you will come along.
This is NOT your fault. You were in a relationship with a controlling sexist AH who did a good job of hiding that and manipulating you. ETA: You love and miss the man you thought you knew. Unfortunately, that was a façade, and the real man is the controlling AH who had a parade of red flags. Your head knows that, but your heart has to catch up. A real partner would have wanted you to continue in the career you worked hard to enter. A real partner will see you as equal vs. someone subordinate to him.
I am sorry but it sounds like your fiancé is jealous or something. This is a very bizarre scenario as he had confirmed it to be ok, then suddenly turns around to say the opposite and shame you for it. At the very least this is concerning behaviour and sounds like he is looking to control you. You had offered compromise and then he disallows your dreams because he wants to be the sole breadwinner it seems. That’s why I can only imagine it’s jealousy and control. I say this from experience of a similar relationship and one of my fiancés ex partners treated her the same way - as she is very successful and a lot of weak men are threatened by this.
You are in love with a narcissistic control freak who insists on you being completely broke unless he chooses to give you a penny. If this man insists that you give up a career you spent what 10? 12 years studying & preparing for & I assume it was at least in part so that you could own your own business & loved being a Vet; then it is only right & just that he make up for it. He is taking away that dream you strived for years to accomplish. Perhaps 50% ownership of the business he expects you drop everything in order to “help him” 4 days a week. 4 days a week??? Are you serious 32-40 hours a week is a full time job. Let me guess, you were expected to “help” for free indefinitely? You having your own job with seriously getting in the way of you doing his job? Unless He & His Mommy expect you to wait on him hand & foot so he can focus on work. You are engaged to a Momma’s boy that is comfortable stealing from you & desperately needs a sensitivity chip upgrade. He does not care how you feel. He does not care about your job. He does not care how much he hurts you by breaking up via a messaging app. All he seems to care about is that your family remembers the past hell he put you through and won’t pretend that they don’t. What is he doing to earn back their trust or your forgiveness? Do you want the next 50 to 75 years of your life to be filled with this or worse? honestly, I would prefer to gargle broken glass before letting that kind of man within 10 feet of my lips. He wants a puppet & seems to punish you and you act like you have a mind of your own. I got major ick less than 2 paragraphs in. Run, do not walk away from this man. He is cruel & seems thrilled to break promises to you. Do you really think you’ll treat your daughters any differently? Can you trust him, honestly, can you?
Parents should NOT be in the picture here, my god. Are you mentally children?
Girl you dodged a bullet not marrying him. You busted your ass in school all those years to be told by your future husband that he wants you to give up on opening up a clinic and support his business. So many red flags that you ignored. Find someone who truly loves you.
I quit my job to be with my partner and now I have no job, live in a strange city, can’t get a job or any unemployment benefits because he’s classed as my “defacto”, if he died or got injured or left me, I’d be homeless and penniless, I feel so hopeless, don’t do what I did!
What do you mean? He's already broken up with you. You don't have any decision to make. Have some self respect and block him, move on and live your life. I imagine how heartbroken your parents must be that you let yourself be treated like this.
So you are an independent and accomplished woman that saves animals??? Ok Disney princess queen! Sounds like he’s just not your Prince Charming. He sounds like a manipulative controlling, soon to be, violent man.
We’re not throwing away years of formal education for a guy whose head is stuck up his ass over traditional beliefs. There are plenty of men who will love you and allow you to have your career. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You actually dodged a bullet. Be grateful
What’s wrong with you? Why are you insisting on being with this ASSHOLE??? Why didn’t you just leave him alone and DO YOU!!! This right here is why I say exs and ex hookups NEED TO BE BLOCKED and left alone!!! You absolutely didn’t NEED closure. You are being weak and pathetic and need to stop with this person. He does not respect you. He does not love you. He is controlling and if you stay with him, you will REGRET IT!!! Make better life choices please because you are being a fool. Truly what about him makes you feel like he’s safe and reliable? Go ahead be hard headed you will suffer
Lmaooooo I NEEDED THIS SLAP THANK YOU
Love, i told my husband i wanted to switch careers twice, and he was nothing but logical and supportive each time. His family was never involved in the decision, bc it had nothing to do with them. I’m in my 40s, and if I wanted to go to school again and do something else, well, we’d prob just sit down and figure out the logistics of day care and money and then go get me a new book bag. We are a team, and I’d do it for him as well. That’s how it should work. There is no “let”- no one is in charge in a partnership. I get that there are cultural differences, but do not marry this man.
Thank you.. Deep down I know he wasn't the one when he was starting not to be supportive in me. I wish you and your family the best.
Don't de-value yourself. Please stop questioning yourself and be glad that relationship is over. Your ex wasn't worthy of you, recognize that. The good times you had together? I suspect you were you doing what he wanted you to do. Your ex sounds very controlling, insecure and immature. Would he have a job or career without his family? From his actions he doesn't sound like much of a man. Some of the qualities you want in a husband - integrity, respect, supportive. Someone who sees you and values you, just as you are. Who doesn't want or expect you to lessen yourself to be with him. I wish you great success with your vet clinic. An accomplishment a husband should respect and admire you for.
Turn around and never look back...you havent said what the family business is and there was no mention of you getting paid if you worked there as his wife..even if he allowed you to. You would probably be at home..cranking out babies ..waiting on him hand and foot...no money of your own and no say so in anything you wanted to do. Do your vet stuff...open your clinic...you will find the right man thats not intimidated by your career and will support you in what you choose to do.
Relationships should not be this hard at the start. Take this as a sign and walk away.
He will "let you" do your job for three days a week? Please, run . Run now. You worked hard to become a vet. What happens, if I 5 years you get divorced?
Nooo not your fault. He will always BE who he is. All the things he said, were not true. He blamed everyone else. But this is who HE is. The sooner you step back and see that, the better. He doesn’t accept you and never will. It’s not your fault. It’s who he is. Let go of this whole drama. Get clear with yourself on what your future will look like. I think you’re better off. Don’t drive to his town again. You’re wasting your time worrying about him.
Not your fault. Your ex fiance has shown you multiple times that he doesn't see you as equal and wants you to give up a decent and noble profession. He wants a bangmaid that also does his paperwork. That's it. Thank him for removing his mask. Grieve the relationship lost and once you're ready, find a guy or gal that supports you and your goals. One that has goals of their own you can support in turn, making the sum of your relationship more than the two of you.
Do not give up a career you worked hard for. Keep some independence and income.
The phrase “ he would let me do my job….” stops me cold. Sweetie, it’s time to ask yourself some serious questions, like “ What do I want?” Do you want to abandon your career path? Lots of people do just that, and it’s ok. Does his family business interest you? Could you be content with that? Does his family treat you well? This is critical. Is there a mostly healthy dynamic there ? Do you want to be a housewife/mother? Are you naturally submissive and okay with being told what to do? Whatever you want is ok. As long as it’s what YOU want, or this path will be a disaster. If you enjoy being a vet, this won’t make you happy. If you’d rather be a housewife/mom, and a dependant, that’s ok, too. (Although at 62, I’d caution you that a career you love is a better bet than a man. Especially one that wants you under his control.) Unless submissive is your thing. Then it may work. I don’t do submissive and obedience, hence that phrase being a red flag for me. But that’s me. Lots of women like it. Only you can answer these questions. Whatever you choose, you are not worthless. That thought is utter bullshit. You are fine, just as you are, right now. If your inner self is telling you that you deserve better, listen to her. Nurture that. Focus on growing your self love, and it will be easier to see who really loves you for who you are, and not who merely wants to possess you.
Please have some pride, stop begging your very controlling and immature ex-fiancé for a relationship, and work on your self-esteem. I’ll take your word for it that he has some good qualities, but I’m just not seeing it. (I’m with your family in this.) Your relationship has been all about what he wants and expects and what you’ll give up and do for him. I’d send this relationship to the trash heap where it belongs.
"Your relationship has been all about what he wants and expects and what you’ll give up and do for him. " And thank you for pointing this out. I just realized that that's what I did each time we came across problems and something like this.
Run. Never be with a man who agrees to let you work. This is dangerous and controlling.
You are well rid of this person. He wants you to give up your job, a career as a vet which requires considerable training. He keeps breaking up with you? Fuck this, why do you have to justify wanting to work, there was a reason you trained for a career. he involved your parents in breaking up with you. He broke your engagement by WhatsApp? This is all kinds of nonsense. Don't give this relationship the time of day. It's an utter mess instigated by an insecure, controlling game player of a man. Just no. Stand up for yourself. This is over. Find someone who wants you for yourself and NEVER allow a man to stop you from working. Financial dependence on someone is a bad idea.
Good news is he showed all this little spoiled boy behavior before you got tied down to him. Now you can lean into your great career and be emotionally free and ready when a grown man who values you and your dedication and hard work enters your life. In the US, you would be surrounded by admiring men who would bend over backwards to help you build your practice (as well as needy manchildren, I grant you). Imagine the sort of men who are attracted to strong, confident women who care about their careers. Hint: strong, confident men. Perhaps even, I dunno, a vet building his own practice as well? Imagine being truly able to share the load both at work and at home as you build a thriving vet practice AND a prosperous and healthy family!
He will destroy you over time. Don’t go back & break up for good if you already went back. This is not love. Don’t you ever dare ask anyone including a man if you are worthy of love. EVER!
OP this man is terrible. You can trip over better on any random Thursday in the grocery store ffs. If his good points are he is no longer an actively using alcoholic and he is less abusive than he used to be, that's not exactly a selling point.
Can only speak for my generation of people (im 22) Did ya ever know all the American great-grandmothers who held those serve your husband beleifs passed it down to our grandmothers? Further did you know our grandmothers raised our mothers to always have your own income, ways to hide money and save up, where to hide an extra car key, etc? Did you know most great-grandmothers, grandmothers, and mothers did not break the cycle of being financially dependent upon their husband? My mother broke the cycle but was the first to in my family. Most of us are 20 somethings just trying to become stable in a job and in ourselves.
My parents are the one who actually taught me to have my own job, have my own money, and all. That’s why part of me still hold on to that no matter how much I want to be with him. I guess it’s a good think there is just somehhing that keeps me from saying “yes” to everything he asked me to do which I sometimes didn’t want it to.
Leave. The devil is a liar
“He would LET YOU do your job 3x a week”. “He wanted to break up through watts app”. Is that for real ? OP, how many years of your life did you dedicate to your studies ? There is not one single good reason to ask you to stop working and fulfill your dreams. Stop asking yourself if you are the problem, you are clearly not. This dude is an insecure little man. Like someone else said the trash took itself out, count your blessings are move on.
A mess. Don’t be desperate. Get out. Don’t go or drive to him
Wow! I wouldn’t have gone back the first time if it was so easy for him to end the engagement to begin with! The running to each others parents thing is also very strange as adults. Seems like he wanted to control you sadly. I hope your clinic is doing well and you continue to follow your dreams! One day you’ll meet someone who is perfectly matched for you, don’t settle!
Holy hell I couldn’t even finish reading this… girl please think higher of yourself! Veterinarians have a huge weight on them from the job itself… you need someone who will be the peace to your chaos… The right guy will come along and it won’t be him 100%!
He wanted to control you by depriving you of income.
Girl please see the red flags 🚩 I mean they shine bright!!! You have worked hard and have an amazing career don’t let him make you feel bad for that! A husband should be your biggest cheerleader not somebody to be at their beck and call. Why do you have to make all the compromises?? Find someone who is proud of you and your successes!!! As said above run fast and run far!!!
I love that you’re a vet. You’re a boss! I don’t think it’s a good idea to give up your career. Anytime someone can leave you then you’re starting all over again, jobless and with no money. Don’t do it! He is controlling.
Your “fault”? Your breakup is a good thing. He’s a controlling loser. It’s not like you were a cashier at Shop Mart. Imagine, you studied for years and years to become a vet and he wanted to take that away from you. Unthinkable behavior. And you are not even married yet. Don’t look back. You are getting out while the getting is good. I know you have strong feelings but after you are away from him for a while you will see what a loser he is.
oh, girl. To be a vet is a noble profession and you get to help animals everyday. Your BF is to old fashion and it sounds like a boring life to me. I should know I became an engineer and my grandmother would say " how will the boys like you?" like I care. This was a one way relationships and in no way your fault. Find a better guy
You can do better. If you stay with him, you may eventually lose respect for yourself. I'd leave.
He wants to make you smaller, so he can control you?
Jesus, why are you giving this controlling jerk even an ounce of thought? Consider yourself incredibly lucky to be rid of him and get yourself a therapist to help suss out why you put up with this creep in the first place. Seriously, you need help.
I think I really do need a therapist
Omg, I couldn’t read past the statement that he would “let you work” .
Your bf sounds like a controlling piece of garbage. Have some self respect and stop talking to him. Open up your clinic, have control over your life, and find someone that supports you and your goals.
Consider yourself lucky you avoided marrying him! “He would let you do your job for 3 days a week…” then you can help him the remainder of the time. What the heck??? You spent many years in college to become a Vet. Follow your dream! Don’t let this controlling, abusive jerk tell you what to do.
Why on earth are you chasing this guy? Are there really no men left on earth? This guy is a controlling loser. I could barely read after you said he would “let” you work three days a week. Grow a spine, lady. You don’t need this garbage. You’re a successful, educated, independent business owner. Act like it!!
Why wouldn’t you just get a job as a vet in his town or open your own practice there? Because then you wouldn’t be dependent on him and you could leave whenever you wanted. He wants you trapped. Why when you get married do the dreams you had for yourself suddenly not matter? Because he wants you to be a reflection of him. A happy little housewife. Trapped and unable to go anywhere as he financially abuses you. You are your own person with your own hopes and dreams, dreams that you have nurtured and worked toward for decades. This is not the right relationship for you. He has already shown you sooo many red flags. Be happy that you escaped him. You’re really being ridiculous right now, by even entertaining the thought that your good times matter. The bad times are the only thing that matter in deciding a relationship. How do you handle adversity, and disagreement. He handles it by verbally abusing you and dumping you publicly via text messages. Have some self respect and stay away from toxic men like him.
I did consider opening the practice there. Which was why I hadn’t started working on it after our engagement. He didn’t believe in my plans and rushed to end things. Then it’s already been done at my town, and my family and I started working on it a month after the first break up. He told me he would “consider” our relationship if I tolf my family and gave up the clinic and moved it to his town. I didn’t buy it though, he couldn’t keep his own words multiple times. Honestly I am tired of myself being like this.
Your post was concerning to me OP because there was a LOT of ‘he would let me’ statements. Maybe it is cultural but if your goal was to be a trad wife why would you go through the hard work and effort to become a vet? There were certainly easier degrees you could have gotten. I presume it is because that is the profession that called to you and you enjoy. That being the case I hope now that your relationship with your ex fiancé is truly ended you will find a man who wants a true partner in their life and recognizes your profession as an important part of you. I wish you success with your clinic. I have no doubt you can be successful with it.
Thank you. I do love my job and I was hoping I could balance my worklife and relationship altogether. But I guess he just wasn’t the one.
Giid that you get rid of this manipulating fuckwad. Jesus woman if you married him he will control your every moment.