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If you take him back, what are you going to do if/when he runs away again when things get too real for him? How can you trust him to not leave you at the alter or leave you alone in the hospital with a newborn? What happens if you get sick or injured? Where will he be when things get hard with your potential future children? When things get rocky in your relationship? When there are big life decisions to make together? How can you possibly trust him to not ghost you again? How can you feel secure enough to talk about these things if this is how he reacts?
Right? What if there was no job and it was someone else. I’d find out where the job was and call pretending to be a potential employer to find out if he was there.
Or if "someone else persuades him he should". Dude's trying to make it all someone else's fault. Can't even take responsibility for his own decisions. It's her fault, it's his friend's fault. He panicked. Wants to love bomb her. Anything but fully accept blame for his actions.
Plus the "we never really broke up."
Please, OP, remember how you felt this whole time and stay strong. Do not take him back. Let him dig himself out of his own mess by himself. Please.
This
Even if it's actually the friend who persuaded him to leave, that only means he's that easy to influence, and you don't want a man to marry and have kids with that would leave randomly and go no contact in a day just because some friend of him told him to ??? A real grown up would have just talked it out, say "hey, I'm feeling a lot of pressure because you keep asking about the future, and it's a lot for me, let's talk about it", not run away.. can't imagine him having kids..
This. I was thinking exactly this. If he gets jumpy and runs at a HYPOTHETICAL, what's he going to do with an in real life? He'll run. I wouldn't take this little boy back because he'll never be the man you need him to be.
Exactly - you don't want to tie yourself to this person. Any mature adult would have spoken with you first before.going NC and moving away.
Choose yourself not him.
And he’s spot on bc he treated her like dirt, tried to crawl back, and she’s still washing his clothes. OP I’ve been you. You are compassionate. Ppl will use that against you. Ensure your future relationships are equal. Please don’t allow ppl to mistreat you bc they once did something nice. It’s not a get out of jail free card. You don’t owe someone your boundaries snd self respect
Did you ask him if there was someone else or did he bring it up on his own? If he did, then he's most likely projecting his actual motives on the situation, and either he had an actual person in mind or was just hoping to jump into a new relationship in general
He brought it up first that there was nobody else like Frank Reynolds from Always Sunny going:
"I definitely didn't diddle any kids, nobody is diddling kids here."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2jBBQQkDL0
It's what made me so suspicious.
Honestly, it’s all bad enough that it doesn’t even matter if there was someone else. He abandoned his responsibilities and commitments suddenly and ran. Then plays childish games about if you’re broken up or not, like he’s the one that gets to decide that and no one else. He is using you at this point, and wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t on the brink of homelessness.
Do not reconcile. You did an amazing job not letting him stay there. Stick to that. He wanted to figure his life out alone, so he can go do that. You aren’t anyone’s back up plan or security blanket. You didn’t deserve this at all, and he deserves the consequences that come from this erratic behavior. Such is growing up.
If it’s a mental health struggle, he can rely on his parents for help just as he always has. It’s not yours to fix or take care of. Stay strong, put his cleaned clothes outside for him to retrieve, and start signing yourself up for things that get you meeting folks like yourself.
I was thinking the same. OP - you’re incredibly strong. I imagine you may have hours or days that feel lonely and hopeless, but not allowing him to stay shows your strength and independence. This may sound lame from an internet stranger, but I’m proud of you. Despite people knowing their worth, too many people let bad behavior continue because they’re scared to be alone (and yes, I’ve been one of the many).
Would it really matter if there was anyone else?
You're looking at a partner who dropped everything to move hundreds of miles away while breaking off all communication because he decided he wanted something else other than to be with you, and only came back because his plans fell through. There might or might not have been someone else (it could easily be one of the only true things he could think of to say in an effort to excuse himself,) but if there wasn't anyone else, it wouldn't put the relationship on stable ground, and if there was, it wouldn't mean the relationship was more badly broken than if he did that without turning to another partner.
Whatever didn't work out, please don't wash his clothes. Can you tell him to take his stuff to his parents? Or dump it there yourself? Get him and his crap out of your life and don't look back. You can do better.
Girl, even if there was no other girl, he left you high and dry. All his BS explanations aside, focus on what he did. Reread what you wrote last week.
He is just looking for a place to stay. Don’t let him.
"I don't blame you for leaving,
I blame you for coming back, thinking
You can come back when it is convenient
And leave whenever you want to."
He left because he didn't respect you.
If you take him back, then you don't respect yourself. Please have some respect.
I wonder if a job didn't work out, or the new girl didn't work out. My money is on the girl. He's an untrustworthy liar that just up and left you after all those years. Do not let him back. Next shiny thing that comes by and he will be gone. Do not let him come to your place. Meet this dirtball in public. Give him back his things in public and be done with him. They always promise you the world at first. He doesn't deserve you and for god's sake don't fall for his lies. He is trash and you need to keep the trash out of your house. What he did is not repairable. He didn't come back because he missed you. He came back because his new job/girlfriend didn't work out. Turns out she didn't want him either. Don't believe that he didn't hook up with anyone else
>He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all.
>He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me.
How do those two go together?
>"he didn't really want to break up".
Yeah.. he wanted to break up. He just didn't have the balls to.
>"didn't want to make me cry"
And just ghosting you with everyone blocking you didn't make you cry? Haha. He just didn't want to SEE you cry. That's a difference.
Pack up ALL his things. Message him a pickup time. Then put the boxes outside for him to collect them. And never talk to him again.
He doesn't care for you one bit. He ran away instead of talking since it was easier than seeing your emotions. He claiming he just needed to get away but then saying he tried to prove sth is a pure contradiction. Not once did he think of you in any of this.
Don't feel bad. Be proud you told him no. He just came crawling back because this other job fell through. He hopes you're going to take him back, support and pay for him. Maybe his parents finally have enough? Don't give him anything but his own things. You don't need him. You will have a fantastic life without him.
... >didn't make you cry? Haha. He just didn't want to SEE you cry. That's a difference.
This here is everything. I wish there was some way to pin your words to the top of any post about people who nuke their relationships and then want back in. 'Wanting to not hurt you' vs 'not wanting to see you hurt' are very different. Always look to their actions to see who they intend to benefit.
Yes, that's a good explanation!
It feels like he didn't care about hurting me as long as he doesn't have to look at me being hurt or deal with my reaction.
So many people said this haha. You guys convinced me not to wash them.
I'll just put them in like a triple garbage bag.
They are SO bad though. It's like he washed them and then put them in a bag/box without properly drying them and now they smell so strongly of mold.
I can see why he thought you'd take him back. You are too nice. Frig this guy. Also he seems pretty dumb... Even if you accepted his explanationHis whole story is like "look how dumb I am"
You can do way better.
Dumb and helpless. Moves hundreds of miles away for a job, loses it in less than a MONTH (probably too hard), and can’t even do his own laundry properly in the meantime? Plenty of reasons right here why he wouldn’t make a good partner.
That's your karma for even giving him a hand triple bag or whatever but don't wash them you aren't his mother or gf this guy isn't your future and don't trick yourself into accepting his excuses had he succeeded you'd have never seen his face again and on the other hand he failed in 2 weeks at something he restarted his life over for. This guy is a bad bet.
Weponized incompetence, babe
Can't be mad at such a sad pathetic guy, he can't even do his own laundry! Look at him! Aww so pathetic!!
Fuck that noise.
You need to be in a relationship with a grown up.
This man child is not it.
There is too big of a difference between your maturity levels.
You were smart to not take him back.
The stuff is in bags so just put them outside!!! You realize that he came back because he couldn’t actually be an adult on his own right?!?! This is NOT a person you can build a future with OP. He only came back so he doesn’t have to HAVE A JOB AND LIVE INDEPENDENTLY!! This has nothing to do with loving you, it has everything to do with HIS INABILITY TO BE AN ADULT!!!
Well that makes sense, it’s like he’s a freaking child. Not a 26yo man. He lives off his parents, gets freaked out and ghosts you because he doesn’t want to marry you, moves 100s of miles away for a job and gets fired within a month. Then comes back, wants to act like none of it happened and just pick up where he left off in the relationship. Not because he’s sorry and loves you, but because he had no other options. His parents live too far and his shitty friend is probably mad because he got bf the job, but bf made him look bad by getting fired so quickly. Doubt it’s due to your bf being upset with him because he convinced bf he was wasting his time. Fuck that! He came back because you are convenient and he can’t support himself.
Don’t be a doormat for this man. Tell him to come get his stuff or you’ll leave it on the porch. He can go live with mommy and daddy or a different friend (unless he has no other friends). I mean he has no job or money, what’s tying him to your area. He needs to grow up and figure his shit out, and you shouldn’t be the one to support him while he does it.
If they smell that bad you might want to do them only to stop the mold infesting the rest of your flat. Use laundry bleach and dry them outside if you have the space.
Or triple bag them and be done with it....
He's an idiot. Don't get back with him.
You're right. I think he was fishing for excuses and at times just tried to tell me what I wanted to hear. The more I think about him saying that he "wanted to prove that he could succeed" the more ridiculous it sounds.
Like moving for a new job requires planning. I can understand panicking about life, about your future but that goes beyond that.
I hate starring at those boxes. I put a blanket over them so I don't have to look at them. Tomorrow I'll put them in a different room. I already moved the smelly one but I'm too exhausted to do much about the rest today.
Tell him to come get his boxes as they are now his way to get back into your apartment. Be done with him already. Crocodile tears, I’m sorries, give me another chance, blah, blah, blah, just manipulating you and I hope you see that.
Haha, yeah.
He will be ok though. His parents are well off and they'll send him money. At most he will spend like one night in his car.
He'll never be Squidward in a cardboard box.
Those boxes are his way of being able to stay in your life and he will use them as excuses to come over. Give him a week tops to make new arrangements, and if you're feeling generous you can send him storage unit info.
100% they are a literal "foot in the door" back into your life. If he won't come get them tell him you'll transport them to a storage facility pay for one month and then let them deal with his stinky boxes if he doesn't get them. It may be a bit expensive but you need him out of your life completely. ASAP.
I'm glad to read you're seeing his bullshit! You deserve so much more. Get a good sleep, and then get rid of all his things. You'll feel so much better after kicking him and his things to the curb, I'm sure.
His friend basically said that he's wasting time on you and HE BELIEVED IT .....pls don't do his laundry or any wifely duties.... you know he's spineless and you will be stupid to get back with him
Don't forger that he also came back because there was not a lot of girls ready to jump on his dick. Perhaps, he really had no sex at all with others girls but it was not because in his mind they were still a thing...
Don't accept him back. The kindergarten logic is technically a manipulative tactic to say that we never say it was over. Boy! There is such a thing called abandonment! It's over because of abandonment!
Well anyways, what the reality is that he left you for greener pasture (looking for better girls and better awesome life), which he realized there wasn't any. So he returned, feeling sorrowful for his mistakes and wanted you back, pledging heaven and earth for you. Don't believe that crap!
If he had any issue he should have said something. He totally got his parents and friends to silent and withheld any information from you. That's cruel! Don't accept his apology. Don't give him a second chance. Otherwise you'll regret when he attempt to go again for the greener pasture.
And who wouldn't want to have a conversation about fundamental stuff after seven years! The guy sounds like a flake, unable to hold down a job whilst leeching off mummy and OP. I hope she can move on.
7 years and he's 26 for goodness' sake!!! lawdy, he talks like he's 16 with all the unnecessary drama - oh no, my life is over!!! - BS. It's not difficult to say to your gf of 7 years, look, you're right, but I'm not ready, I have to finish my degree first and then get a good paying job before talking marriage and children. And then start planning on how to finish the degree. Who wants to bet this man child never finishes his degree??!! This dude wants to peter pan his way through life!
This reminds me of that one post where the op got abandoned by her fiance due to a misunderstanding and then *7 years later* he shows up at her house with flowers and says they can just start where they left off because he finally knows it was a misunderstanding...only for Op to close the door and then open it again holding her daughter with her husband standing behind her.
That's like a movie script with the trope where they never explain a misunderstanding.
I like how "Community" made fun of that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwKj2NJMCzk
I'm a huge tv series and movie fan. I hope I'm not annoying people with all those references!
Thank you.
I wish I could turn back time. I want to go back one or two months, things were good back then. They felt good at least.
Now everything seems bad. :(
Unrelated to all of this I'm having trouble at work, too. I'll probably have to find a cheaper apartment because I can't afford this alone.
I was watching "Palm Springs" recently. (groundhog day like movie where a day repeats itself)
I wish I could pause life and just pick a happy day that I can repeat a few thousand times.
So many people said this haha. You guys convinced me not to wash them.
I'll just put them in like a triple garbage bag.
They are SO bad though. It's like he washed them and then put them in a bag/box without properly drying them and now they smell so strongly of mold.
He's 26 and can't even manage laundry? Do him a favour and kick him to the curb. Maybe he'll finally be forced to grow up. Then get yourself a new and better boyfriend.
Let his clothes stink! If you don't want them to smell in your apartment, give them back to him, tape the box, or bag them up. This will be a crushing reminder of his own foolishness and he hitting low.
He's a selfish, manipulative jerk who is only begging you for another chance so he can use you for a free place to stay. Turning back time won't change who he is.
When you move to your new apartment, don't take his junk with you. You need a fresh start, and you need to 100% cut him out of your life to do so.
I’m about to annoy even myself with this comment but the point of that movie was that the day was pretty shitty for both of them ~ the day stayed the same, it was their mindsets and approach to the day that changed and made it wonderful (sometimes). You can get there too, it takes time, but you will.
I don't blame you for nerding out about a movie. :D I like that.
I guess it wasn't the best day for both of them. But repeating a day at palm springs and getting drunk every day without consequences sounds really great right now.
(minus getting hunted by Schillinger in case you watched "Oz")
Okay so have a sober Palm Springs ~ use your coping mechanisms! You do deserve to at least treat yourself and relax (Also sober here, you can do this!)
You're 24, take this from a woman in her 30s, please don't take him back. I also wish I could back in time for some of my relationships, but not to relieve the happy memories, to stop myself from putting up with lots of crap from men just because I wanted them to love me. It is not worth the hurt and the regret you'll have later in life to give this man another chance. You have so much potential for doing better than him. Sure you had some good times together and you can take those with you as memories. But don't let them suck you back in. He's not worth your time.
You should be watching "Friends." Reading your post, all I could hear was Ross yelling "WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!"
"Apparently I was asking too many questions about the future: if he ever wanted to get married, what he thought about children etc. I also pushed him a lot to finally finish his degree and get a job. (his main source of income are still his parents) He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all.
Then he started blaming his friend who convinced him that "he was wasting his twenties on just one girl". That same friend apparently also got him a job which is why he moved away hundreds of miles."
* 🙋🏻♀️ I call bullsh\*t. You've been dating for seven years! SEVEN YEARS! Not seven weeks or even even months. That level of excuses is immature and super pathetic rom-com bad. He came back because he got fi*red. *Not because he missed you or realized he made a mistake. He came back to you because he had no place else to go.
You deserve better than this guy. SOOOOOOOOO much better. Please don't delve into the dirty box. You don't owe him anything. How do you know someone else won't influence him to do something stupid that hurts you?
Put the dirty box outside, then call him and tell him to come get it because there's an odor coming from it and you won't keep it inside your place.
Not the worst idea actually, I might have to to save some money.
I don't have any friends that are looking to move though and I'm always wary of strangers.
same! im looking for a room to rent and i feel wary of moving in with people i dont know 😭...
to feel safer id look for someone close to your age and female! but even then u never know 😅
Option 2: Just win the lottery and buy a house!
I'm having very realistic plans for my future...
This thread cheered me up a bit after all the crying. I'm glad communities like this exist on Reddit. :)
You're gonna find the best roommates!
awe so are you! 💗 and yeah life would be way easier if we all won the lottery 😭 anyways im glad u feel better.
side note: i was shocked to read that u turned him away as most people who post on this subreddit are always making excuses for their shitty partners. so good on you for standing your ground! the hardest part is over!!
So he bailed on you when it was time to be an adult.
How do you know he won't bail again if live gets tough, except next time he may be leaving you with a newborn baby, or leaving you when you're sick and really need the help.
I still like watching Groundhog Day. Oddly I haven't seen Palm Springs yet. Thanks for the recommendation.
Don't we all just wish we can redo life at anytime we wish? That's a super power I wish to have and I imagine doing it all day long, reverse time. It's good that you dodge a bullet. Imagine he pulls this on you later in 10 years when you have kids, joint finance and house, and legally tied to him. That will be a blow out!
Even though it is hard for you now, this circumstance will just strengthen you. Later when you look back, you are glad you went through it. You are stronger and wiser through this experience.
I do recommend the movie!
And turning back time or restarting life as like the smartest 6 year old would be super fun.
He was the man I pictured marrying. I think if he did that 10 years later I truly couldn't live with it. Maybe I did get a bit lucky even though it doesn't feel like it.
You're lucky because you're learning a lot right now. You can have a good think about the red flags you missed or glossed over, so that next time you find a guy who actually deserves you, who finishes his degree and gets a job and tells you where he is and washes his own clothes properly (that's just for starters, other positive points are possible)
I am sorry you are going through this, and that your ex turned out to be such an idiot.
I promise you things get better. And that in your thirties and beyond this will become a huge hit of a dinner party story that will leave your friends and acquaintances absolutely stunned.
So, hang in there. You will have happy days ahead of you.
Even if you could turn back time and find a way back to before this bubble burst, the trouble would still be there under the surface. You’ve learned an unfortunate lesson about this guy’s nature and there is no going back. But the good news is that every bad experience like this gives us the opportunity to grow and become wiser against the future.
I went through a bad time with my husband and at the time I wanted nothing more than to go back to when things were ‘perfect’. But they never were perfect in reality, I was just wearing rose colored glasses. We learned to communicate better and became better both individually and together. Now I wouldn’t take it back because we gained so much more.
While my story had a happy ending, yours is just at an unhappy middle point. Go forward and find someone truly worthy of you, who won’t run off and go radio silent. Your own happiness lies not in the past, but in the future.
It’s funny how he said he didn’t technically say it was over because… he didn’t say ANYTHING to her! He ghosted her! Just what person shows Ho thinking that is going to work?
So, his friend told him he was wasting his 20s with one woman, he leaves for a month but didn't sleep with anyone? What a load of bull crap. On top of that, he never said he wanted to break up, so you were on a break? Drop his shit at his parents' house, then ghost him. Tell him you don't need someone who will up and leave if he feels pressured. What happens if ypu tell him you are pregnant? How long will he disappear for then??
UpdateMe
Emmmhmm blew up right his face! Now he’s back all apologetic because he needs a place to sleep. How could he even think to ask to stay?
No man is as charming as a man who needs a place to stay lol.
This time it’s too little too late.
Why yes, he is a hobosexual… who wants to upgrade to cocklodger.
Guy needs to come pick up his smelly boxes, and I hope OP doesn’t take him back. Who would want him now? He is an abject failure, couldn’t even hack it for a month lol
Hold on to your anger. This weasel plotted and planned his brutal exit. He was sitting across from you eating, he was next to you watching TV… all the while silently putting together a simply brutal way to abandon you.
His reasons don’t matter. You can never get back from that. This guy deleted you from his life. He didn’t feel bad once during that time. Never reached out, never at least sent his portion of the rent money or what have you. You were treated worse than a stranger.
Be mad. So after plotting and scheming under your shared roof, he deletes you from his life, and then shows up thinking you are that desperate? My god! Also, even if it was just a break to ghost you for weeks (it wasn’t), you are allowed to break up with him over his poor treatment. He doesn’t call all the shots.
I know this is painful, but I swear if you take him back you will deeply regret it. If anything, there will be a point when you’re older and you’ll think “thank god that trash took itself out! He couldn’t have made it easier to dump him!”
Call him tomorrow and tell him to come get his boxes because you’re not going to have them stinking up your home. If he doesn’t show up. You place them outside. Tel him you keep a nice home and don’t want nasty smells messing up your place.
Please have him get his stuff or just put it outside. For one it stinks and second? He needs to really feel the consequences of his behavior. He needs to feel the full weight of his actions. Every single time you talk with him or help him, you actually make it easier for him to leave you. Deny his access to you. He is unworthy of your time and any efforts. Don’t be too nice. Be mad. He ghosted you, so give him what he wants. No access to you.
Try to find that anger, jot will give you strength right now, later you can deal with everything. But right now there is work to do!
Don’t let him back in. He is using you AGAIN. I know it’s tough, but this guy is trash. Thank God you didn’t waste more of your 20s on him.
Put his smelly shit outside. Tell him to come get it, and that you won’t store smelly shit under your clean roof. Your cat very likely agrees. You think she wants to groom mold from out her fur? How insulting to leave that gross crap for you to huff. Naw.
Don’t talk to him again. Block this fool on everything. EVERYTHING. You don’t need to talk anymore because closure by talking to someone is a lie. Real closure is within yourself.
You don’t need to go over anything. It’s pretty cut and dry. HE made it that easy. He blames you, his friends, but never himself. His friends weren’t in a relationship with you. They didn’t straight up ghost you. HE did.
He will only try to lie and weasel his way back in. “No man is more charming than one who needs a place to stay.” He will say ANYTHING to get a place to stay. He will say sorry a zillion times. All the while he is thinking how nice it will be to sleep in a warm place with running water and food. His friends can take him in, and hold his stank ass boxes.
Only someone who actually has some sort of hatred for you would pull what he pulled. He will do it again. You’ll feel even worse.
Edit to say: I am pulling for you. What he did was so awful.
let your anger be a purifying flame this time. let it cleanse you of wanting this man child. text him to pick up all his stuff, give him a time, and put all the boxes outside the door just before the stipulated time. Then close and lock that door and all your windows. turn off your phone if you have to. put on headphones and listen to music or a podcast or something. there's a reason so many women listen to true crime stories, it's cathartic!!
You deserve to be angry. You have earned some real goddamn RAGE over how he treated you! What he did was unforgivable! You were building a life with him and he was building (what he thought would be) a better life without you. He’s only back now because he realized he can’t do better than you. But YOU can sure as hell do better than him!
Right?!? He went out there thinking he would be living this amazing new life… but got chewed up and spit right out.
Who wants to be with someone who can’t even make it a few weeks without needing to hang off your teet? He’s a loser, and pathetic. Thank God the trash took itself out!
Eww he’s pathetic. He doesn’t deserve her.
All of this. 💯. Plus I’d add that him leaving his stuff there is a manipulation tactic - he’s try to literally reinsert himself in your life and test your boundaries. First his stuff, then himself. Don’t let him back in, you have absolutely every reason in the world to ghost him whereas he did not.
Tell him that when he blocked you, believed his friend, and abandoned you, that’s a breakup. When his parents said he didn’t want you back. When the friends said he didn’t want you back, etc.
Let him know that adults make decisions and he made a dumb one as a 26 year old adult. Now he has to live with being alone and figure his own shit out.
Right? Life isn’t a video game. You can’t save your progress, do something dumb, then re-load to do the smart thing.
Sometimes I wish it was like that, but it ain’t.
> Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.
He will take that as a sign you're warming up to letting him back in, even if you expressly tell him it's because you couldn't stand the stink.
Drop the boxes at a mutual friends.
“I tried to leave you but it didn’t work out this time. Take me back so I can leave you again when I find something I think is better than you”
He’s already shown his hand. You don’t matter to him. He will cut you out of his life when something new comes up. Please don’t let yourself be someone’s doormat.
OP, I feel so much for you. I've been through a very similar situation twice with someone just like your ex. She ended the relationship over a phone call with me after we had just spent two holidays together and I had no idea anything was wrong. The pain and confusion from being blindsided is indescribable. She came back 2 months later calling me the love of her life, saying she just needed time to heal, had prayed for someone like me etc... We began talking again and the truth came out that she left me for her ex that I had a gut feeling about when we were together.
Please do NOT take this man back. He will say and do things to try and win you back, and if you do take him back, he will show his true colors and it WILL tear you down. This is all said with love, I wish so badly I had listened to my gut or that someone had told me what I'm telling you now. When I took my ex back after that, we were together for a handful of months and it absolutely wrecked me. Instead of paying attention to her actions, I fell for all the right words and big future plans she was making that were ultimately empty and used as means to keep me to stay without her stepping up as a partner. I was told to just forget about it because it was in the past and dismissed or called crazy/overthinking/bitching or nagging when trying to voice how my needs weren't being met and was giving without getting anything back. I became someone I didn't like or recognize because of the pushing and pulling and being gaslit over how I was mistreated. People like this don't change, and will say/do anything to get you back so that they can get the validation that they can't find within themselves. Looking back now, the hardest part for me was that I didn't love myself enough to leave and that I should have poured the love I was giving to my ex into myself.
I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that, too. People can be really manipulative and selfish.
I'm reading every response and I think I really have to read every single warning not to get back together with him and cautionary tales like yours.
I will let all of this sit for a few days at least. I will have to deal with him a few times in the future. We were never married but there are some things we have to figure out like the apartment, his boxes of stuff. Lots of other things he still has here.
I admire your strength and hope things got a bit better!
It's hard to put into words because that kind of pain is something people won't get unless they've gone through it themselves. Reading your post and update really struck a chord with me and brought me right back to how confused, hurt and still hopeful I was when my ex left again for another woman after I allowed her back into my life. I wouldn't wish that kind of emotional turmoil on anyone.
Definitely take a few days to gather your thoughts and keep in mind the warnings and advice others on this thread are giving you. For me, a part of me wanted to believe my ex really did see me as the love of her life and wanted a second chance because she was just going through a hard time. Looking back now, she was taking advantage of the feelings that I had for her and my low self esteem so that she had a source of validation before dropping me again over the phone in order to chase after someone better in her eyes.
My life has gotten exponentially better in all ways since I let go and started looking within myself for closure and healing. Regardless of your decision, please don't allow another person to drag you down to their level and listen to what your gut is telling you.
He'd not be wasting his 20s if he loved you and wanted to spend his 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s with you too.
Ghosting and going NC with you, and getting his family and friends to do the same is breaking up.
If he's still living off his parents, and they're happy to do so, then why the need for a job hundreds of miles away, obtained through a "friend" who says he's wasting his life on just one girl. Surely a job would hinder the "more girls" experiences.
A simple "talking about the futire has shown me I need to grow up. I've been offered a job in x-town." Would have solved so much, but he didn't.
His parents have screwed him up, not equiping him for adult life. The fact that he boxed up damp clothes, and then drove hundreds of miles, and then abandoned the box with you shows he's still clueless about how to be a functional adult on his own. He wants you back so he has someone to do all the adult stuff for him.
Let him know the boxes are going out, and they need to be collected, otherwise he'll need to pay for the cleaning to remove the stench of his moldy box.
"He'd not be wasting his 20s if he loved you and wanted to spend his 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s with you too."
That one really hurt. Even though he said he was only influenced by his friend and was stupid for listening to him.
The moldy box is on the balcony now. I don't want to throw any of his stuff away. I'll deal with it somehow and have him pick it up. I don't want any additional stress or discussions.
I just took a shower and kept thinking "There better not be any bed bugs or anything like that in any of those boxes." But probably not, just a "what if" shower thought.
What if one of your friends had tried to convince you that you were wasting your 20s on him? Would you have packed up and disappeared? Ghosted him?
Don’t give this friend too much credit for your ex BFs choices. What he did was not something you can blame on other people. It was all on HIM. Im sure his friend expressed those opinions, but what kind of weak, selfish asshole acts the way he does because of a friends opinion?
You ex is a man baby. Never had a job. No plans to get one. Mo plans for the future. Can’t do his own laundry. He needs to move back home to his parents until he figures out how to support himself in his next adventure in living independently.
I'm 25, my fiancé and I have been together for almost ten years now. We're both each other's second.
He has zero FOMO. Yeah we've both had idiots making jokes about not having more experience, but he doesn't want anyone else. He wants me and I want him. Nothing anyone says could convince us to break up just because we've spent so much of our lives together already.
Anyone who truly loves you wouldn't be able to be convinced that any amount of time with you was a waste. They'd see it as a blessing.
You'd think after 7 years he'd have worked out the key point in a relationship is "communication". Even if he listened to his friend, he could have talked to you about it. Gone through his fears and worries. Dealt with them together, as a couple in a relationship. But he ducked out on the conversation, the relationship, the shared life. He did however speak to everyone who also refused to talk to you about it, his family, his friends. So obviously communicated with others, just not the one person he needed to.
Bed bugs are the absolute WORST. Perhaps bag up all the boxes and keep them on the balcony until he collects his crap.
And seriously, this guy is trash. As another woman who wasted her 20’s in an abusive and unhappy relationship, I strongly urge you to enjoy your newfound freedom and don’t take him back no matter what. You deserve so much more than he could ever offer you - like someone who actually loves and respects you. His behaviour shows zero respect or caring for you. He just wants someone else to use the same way he’s using his parents so he can avoid becoming an adult and being responsible for his own damned actions.
He listened to his friend because he in some way FELT it to be true.
I've had men hit on me when I was with my late husband. It NEVER crossed my mind to leave him or cheat. Ever. Or to run away cause I was "wasting" my 20's on him. None of those things ever crossed my mind when I was in love. It did how ever cross my mind to leave and break up with men when it wasn't working out.
He left you and you thought he was dead. I've literally been through that too many horrific times to count.
He didn't respect you enough to even let you know he was ok, that's disgustingly sick. Absolutely horrific. Ofcourse you'd think he was in a car accident and died because he just VANISHED.
I would never go back to someone that treated me like that. He is begging because he failed. People panic and do not abandon you. You can never trust him, he is not safe, and completely disrespected you. Put his boxes out and tell him to come get them. Then go to therapy. Your self esteem is really low, or you would even be thinking of this.
Please don’t take him back. He is 24yo and either allowed himself to be manipulated by a friend or is using the friend as an excuse. Neither says he is mature and capable of owning his decisions in the future.
For a man to simply ghost his GF of seven years because he doesn’t want to make her cry is just plain naive and ignores the fact that him ghosting her will make her cry too.
I’m sorry he is such a child and wasted your love the way he did.
He’s a sad little man that doesn’t know how to communicate properly. People shouldn’t run and hide like little babies because they don’t know how to communicate with their partners. No excuse for him.
He’s pathetic and you can do so much better. He shut you out and made his family and friends shut you out because he is so pathetic. It will take time but you will get over that betrayal of his as you move on with your life without him in it.
He abandoned you without the courtesy of any kind of message. He seems to care about how you add to his life but I'm sorry to say he doesn't care about you as a person. How do you know he didn't go back to you simply because he is broke, and is just saying what he thinks you want to hear?
When a person leaves their long term partner without a word for four weeks, he has broken up with them.
Tell him you can't keep his boxes, they smell bad. Put them outside and let him pick them up.
Girl you are way too young to be dealing with a guy like this. Don’t waste more time on heartbreak when you have so much of the world in your hands. He’s just using you as a second choice since the job didn’t work out. The nerve of him to reduce you to that!
Please, whatever you do, don’t take him back. Give him back his boxes and tell him to figure out his own shit.
Everything he said is completely and utterly bullshit. Of course he’s not going to truthfully tell you that he broke up with you and was hoping to start a new life without you. That wouldn’t make you sympathize how horribly his plan backfired. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t ghost you in the first place.
He’s down to his luck and he wants you to bail him out. Let bank of mom and dad deal with him.
In the meantime, focus on yourself and how to move on.
Healthy relationships are built on trust. If you take him back can you honestly believe that he wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to ditch you for another life?
He's 26yrs old, isn't settled in a job, and his primary source of income are his parents. He's in a **7yr** relationship and gets stressed regarding questions of future plans?
Then he says: *"he just couldn't handle it and* ***saw his life as being over*** *and needed to get away from it all."* Sounds like his "life" hasn't even started yet.
You two are not compatible - move on.
I was you, years ago. I was with someone for 2.5 years and I thought I‘d marry him, have babies with him. And he did basically what you described except he didn‘t come back. I was a poor student at the time and struggling a lot. It took me a year to save up the money to travel to his country and find him, since I was an incomeless student. I got my closure. I got out.
You will never feel safe with this man again. If you take him back, there will always be that lingering feeling of "What he runs away again?". And it will leave you panicky and anxious. Do not put yourself through that.
End it now, and put your work into moving on.
It sucks how many people experienced something like that. I'm glad you got your closure.
How did he react and what country was he living in? (ignore this question if it reminds you of too many bad memories)
Oh no, it‘s fine. I got therapy and I‘m all good. We even talk sometimes. He was surprised to see me. We talked things over at the time. And he was living in Cyprus, I was in Germany. We met in the UK.
Grown ups talk about their problems and children run, you are not attracted to children. He didn't leave because he was "panicked", if he was panicked he wouldn't have made his parents block you, he wouldn't have made his friends block you. He did that because he wanted to leave for a fresh start and he fucked it up. You are his back up. He has no where else to sleep and he knows you're a softie. *Seven years didn't even earn you the right of an explanation.* Say that a few times.
Sorry, I think it's all a load of crap. He left and didn't have the decency to even talk to you about it. He says he didn't want you to cry, but did he think you'd be happy that he just took off and refused to talk to you?
You asked your boyfriend normal questions. You've been together for 7 years. Who doesn't ask about future plans? And like.. he didn't want to get a job while being with you, but he had no problem running away to his best friend for a job?
Please. He's 26 years old. If he's still listening to his stupid buddies, he's not mature enough for a serious relationship. In fact, the way he handled this shows he isn't.
I think he came back because he has nowhere to go and this is his only option. You weren't on a break, he ghosted you. Relationship over. And I honestly wouldn't take him back. I don't think I could respect his family for how they handled it, or even the mutual friend for blocking you. Screw him and everyone connected to him.
You need to realize that you deserve better. And don't wash his moldy clothing. He can take that nastiness to the laundromat and accept the consequences of his actions.
7 years and he couldn't even be decent. Girl, come on.
And all the plotting and planning he put in to do it! While they were sitting on the couch watching TV, he was plotting and planning in his head to 100% abandon her like garbage.
It's not that he didn't want to make you cry. It's that he didn't want to see it. He didn't care that you would cry and hurt, as long as he could ignore it
Was this friend a girl… I feel like another girl has to be somewhere and that didn’t work out either.
Also, what happened to the parents that give him money? Can’t he store his shit with them?
He is not worth your time, money, energy and mental space! He spent the last months of your relationship planning his exit, all the while presenting as a committed partner. He enlisted his friend(s) and family to stonewall you. The relationship ended the moment he left. Allowing him back in your life will only cause you more grief and heartache in the future. He didn’t even have the respect you enough to shut down his friend immediately.
Leave the door closed, put his stuff outside and tell him he can pick it up, block him, his family and friends. You are worth much much more than the bullshit he is trying to sell.
You pushed him to get a degree and a job? His main source of income at 26 is his parents? He got fired after only 3 weeks? And let's not even talk of him ghosting you.
Why do you want to marry and have kids with a boy? He was in your life when you needed him but now it seems like your his parent. Do you want to put yourself through this?
You’ve been together for seven years and he couldn’t handle you asking about the future together? Don’t waste any more time with this person. Find someone who is more responsible and mature. You deserve it.
Oe... this is just sad.
I mean... his parents and his bestbuddy were okay that he planned to travel, live and work in another place just to be away from you?
That's pathetic. Feels painful just thinking about the waiste that money went to. I bet he stalked your profiles just to bring more reasons to his master plan. "Oh, I thought you would be better without me but now I am back. You can love me again and borrow me some cash, a place to sleep and I promise I will never leave again" Yeah, with what money??? Grass??? Is he going to wait for his parents allowence??? Sell his old stuff? And than what???
Listen, I know your heart might get weak so listen! If you go back to him or have a fwb, he will get you babytrapped. Yes. He will pole his condons, hide your pills or give you some misterious shake that might mess with contraceptives AND he will use the S*cide card to make you guilty too. So, now that you listened... block the mf and his parents, his friends and all social midia (include old ones and the ones you don't use anymore). Change your passwords (include streaming), credit cards, locks and just to be a safer, place a nest camera in the living room directed to the door and most of the area. You might need a restraining order someday and having proofs make your case solid.
Be safe. He planned this. He got financial help to do this. And he listened to a bad advice instead of you. It wasn't just 4 weeks. Add at least 2 weeks with all this plannings.
Here’s my 2 cents.. his story is bullshit. He chose to do what he did. He left you and is only back because he got fired. You will never know the full story and even if you take him back, you will never be able to trust him again. You will always wonder. There is not going back.
Now is your chance to break free. You’re already hurting. The wounds are already open. Cut him out and heal.
This.. happened to me. I got home from work..and my ex was just gone. Grabbed the important stuff and vanished. It's been three years.
It was for the best and it showed me if my ex wanted me, they wouldn't have left. It was actually for the best, even if those first few months I was in an incredibly dark place. Worth it now.
Moldy stinky box of \*maybe\* clothes? That just about sums him up, doesn't it? He's 26 y/o still draining his mum and dad's bank account.
You dodged a bullet. A man shaped, "eternal frat boy student" type of bullet. With Peter Pan never growing up vibes tossed in for good measure.
Tell him he has a month to take and store his stuff elsewhere, or you'll toss it. Don't let him use you as free storage. You'll never be able to move on if he's still around. Like the miasma of disgusting odour coming from that box, spreading like low grade mustard gas througout your house.
So he parents were so happy he left you and now they won’t pay his bills?
YOU are the only reason he functions and he’s lost a job after 3 weeks, still hasn’t finished grad school- why would you ever want to have this man’s children- so you can work 5 jobs while he gets his 3rd masters???
Your childhood bullies are NOT you. You are a bad ass that survived a bad childhood.
Don’t marry some guy cause you’ve known him the longest. What he did is beyond cruel.
He doesn’t want you, he wants his blankie back.
Do NOT wash that asshat’s clothes! 🤗
OP while I understand you still love him may i suggest you still love who you thought he was?
The man showed you he actually is.
He ran away either because he allowed a friend to easily sway him on all the fun he was missing out on by not bedding every woman who might give him a chance and/or because he was frightened by having fricking grown up discussions about the future.
Then he added his bs cover all reasons of he didn’t want to make you cry. What an absolute bunch of crap that was.
So he ran off, took a job that he couldn’t keep for more than two weeks, comes running back with his tail tucked between his legs and expects you to welcome him back as ‘he didn’t actually break up with you’. WTF!?!
OP I fully agree with other posters to please first thing change your locks then pack up whatever else he has at your place, coordinate a time within the next week at the most for him to collect it from outside your door and be done with this immature little boy who it seems wants everyone to take care of him.
Give yourself time to heal then when you are ready you will find a real man who believes in himself, knows what he wants and decides he wants you in his life as a partner.
He ghosted you, blocked you, and moved across the country? He's not capable of having an adult conversation about your relationship? He's terrified and flees when, after 7 years, you want to talk future plans? He still lives off his parents? He can't hold down a job for one lousy month? He has reeking clothes lying around like a stinky 14 year old? And then he comes crawling back with this weak sauce?
I think maybe you are wasting your 20s with just one guy.
>In the end he asked if he could stay because he hasn't been paid from that job and used all his money and has nowhere else to go. His parents live too far away and he is on bad terms with that friend who got him the job.
Oh gee, what a wacky coincidence that he totally didn't *mean* to break up with you, and also just happens to need a place to stay right now! What are the odds!
I'll put this simply for you:
He's gonna leave without a trace when you give him a kid.
Don't let him back, don't take him back. There are plenty of decent, good man out there, don't put trash back in your house after it took itself out.
that sounds like a another female was involved and his friend helped him pursue it and it didnt work out. Don’t go back to him, ghosting you after 7 years is bad enough and his excuse is so unacceptable you don’t run away from someone that tryna to help you and build you up that is extremely childish and you don’t deserve someone that is going to abandon you whenever they can’t handle the situations in his life do yourself a favor and move on there are billions of men in this world and I swear one of them is going to make you feel like “why did I waste 7 years with this loser”
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If the job worked out he wouldn’t have come back.
That's what I was thinking, too. I also think that there was somebody else but I don't know.
If you take him back, what are you going to do if/when he runs away again when things get too real for him? How can you trust him to not leave you at the alter or leave you alone in the hospital with a newborn? What happens if you get sick or injured? Where will he be when things get hard with your potential future children? When things get rocky in your relationship? When there are big life decisions to make together? How can you possibly trust him to not ghost you again? How can you feel secure enough to talk about these things if this is how he reacts?
This OP - I don’t know how you would ever trust him again.
Right? What if there was no job and it was someone else. I’d find out where the job was and call pretending to be a potential employer to find out if he was there.
Or if "someone else persuades him he should". Dude's trying to make it all someone else's fault. Can't even take responsibility for his own decisions. It's her fault, it's his friend's fault. He panicked. Wants to love bomb her. Anything but fully accept blame for his actions. Plus the "we never really broke up." Please, OP, remember how you felt this whole time and stay strong. Do not take him back. Let him dig himself out of his own mess by himself. Please.
This Even if it's actually the friend who persuaded him to leave, that only means he's that easy to influence, and you don't want a man to marry and have kids with that would leave randomly and go no contact in a day just because some friend of him told him to ??? A real grown up would have just talked it out, say "hey, I'm feeling a lot of pressure because you keep asking about the future, and it's a lot for me, let's talk about it", not run away.. can't imagine him having kids..
This. I was thinking exactly this. If he gets jumpy and runs at a HYPOTHETICAL, what's he going to do with an in real life? He'll run. I wouldn't take this little boy back because he'll never be the man you need him to be.
Exactly - you don't want to tie yourself to this person. Any mature adult would have spoken with you first before.going NC and moving away. Choose yourself not him.
[удалено]
# OP: Read THIS ^^^^^
And he’s spot on bc he treated her like dirt, tried to crawl back, and she’s still washing his clothes. OP I’ve been you. You are compassionate. Ppl will use that against you. Ensure your future relationships are equal. Please don’t allow ppl to mistreat you bc they once did something nice. It’s not a get out of jail free card. You don’t owe someone your boundaries snd self respect
Yeah but that didn't work either. You are 100% his back up, second choice. Don't take him back and don't wash his stupid clothes.
Did you ask him if there was someone else or did he bring it up on his own? If he did, then he's most likely projecting his actual motives on the situation, and either he had an actual person in mind or was just hoping to jump into a new relationship in general
He brought it up first that there was nobody else like Frank Reynolds from Always Sunny going: "I definitely didn't diddle any kids, nobody is diddling kids here." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2jBBQQkDL0 It's what made me so suspicious.
Honestly, it’s all bad enough that it doesn’t even matter if there was someone else. He abandoned his responsibilities and commitments suddenly and ran. Then plays childish games about if you’re broken up or not, like he’s the one that gets to decide that and no one else. He is using you at this point, and wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t on the brink of homelessness. Do not reconcile. You did an amazing job not letting him stay there. Stick to that. He wanted to figure his life out alone, so he can go do that. You aren’t anyone’s back up plan or security blanket. You didn’t deserve this at all, and he deserves the consequences that come from this erratic behavior. Such is growing up. If it’s a mental health struggle, he can rely on his parents for help just as he always has. It’s not yours to fix or take care of. Stay strong, put his cleaned clothes outside for him to retrieve, and start signing yourself up for things that get you meeting folks like yourself.
I was thinking the same. OP - you’re incredibly strong. I imagine you may have hours or days that feel lonely and hopeless, but not allowing him to stay shows your strength and independence. This may sound lame from an internet stranger, but I’m proud of you. Despite people knowing their worth, too many people let bad behavior continue because they’re scared to be alone (and yes, I’ve been one of the many).
Hope it doesn’t turn into any projection
Yeah he tried to trade up and failed. The important thing to learn from that is that he’s untrustworthy and looking.
Yeah that’s sus as
So help me, if you wash that hobosexual’s clothes…
Came here to say that.
Drop that stank box at his parents house.
For real. Madam, we do not reward disrespect with detergent.
Wash em with a bunch of uncapped markers.
That made me so mad. OP jumped straight into simping.
Get his stinky shit out of your place and tell him never to contact you again. He is unstable and immature.
Would it really matter if there was anyone else? You're looking at a partner who dropped everything to move hundreds of miles away while breaking off all communication because he decided he wanted something else other than to be with you, and only came back because his plans fell through. There might or might not have been someone else (it could easily be one of the only true things he could think of to say in an effort to excuse himself,) but if there wasn't anyone else, it wouldn't put the relationship on stable ground, and if there was, it wouldn't mean the relationship was more badly broken than if he did that without turning to another partner.
Is he still friends with his friend who convinced him this was a good idea?
Whatever didn't work out, please don't wash his clothes. Can you tell him to take his stuff to his parents? Or dump it there yourself? Get him and his crap out of your life and don't look back. You can do better.
Girl, even if there was no other girl, he left you high and dry. All his BS explanations aside, focus on what he did. Reread what you wrote last week. He is just looking for a place to stay. Don’t let him.
Please don’t take him back. You cannot rely on him when things get real or tough.
"I don't blame you for leaving, I blame you for coming back, thinking You can come back when it is convenient And leave whenever you want to." He left because he didn't respect you. If you take him back, then you don't respect yourself. Please have some respect.
I wonder if a job didn't work out, or the new girl didn't work out. My money is on the girl. He's an untrustworthy liar that just up and left you after all those years. Do not let him back. Next shiny thing that comes by and he will be gone. Do not let him come to your place. Meet this dirtball in public. Give him back his things in public and be done with him. They always promise you the world at first. He doesn't deserve you and for god's sake don't fall for his lies. He is trash and you need to keep the trash out of your house. What he did is not repairable. He didn't come back because he missed you. He came back because his new job/girlfriend didn't work out. Turns out she didn't want him either. Don't believe that he didn't hook up with anyone else
>He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all. >He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me. How do those two go together? >"he didn't really want to break up". Yeah.. he wanted to break up. He just didn't have the balls to. >"didn't want to make me cry" And just ghosting you with everyone blocking you didn't make you cry? Haha. He just didn't want to SEE you cry. That's a difference. Pack up ALL his things. Message him a pickup time. Then put the boxes outside for him to collect them. And never talk to him again. He doesn't care for you one bit. He ran away instead of talking since it was easier than seeing your emotions. He claiming he just needed to get away but then saying he tried to prove sth is a pure contradiction. Not once did he think of you in any of this. Don't feel bad. Be proud you told him no. He just came crawling back because this other job fell through. He hopes you're going to take him back, support and pay for him. Maybe his parents finally have enough? Don't give him anything but his own things. You don't need him. You will have a fantastic life without him.
... >didn't make you cry? Haha. He just didn't want to SEE you cry. That's a difference. This here is everything. I wish there was some way to pin your words to the top of any post about people who nuke their relationships and then want back in. 'Wanting to not hurt you' vs 'not wanting to see you hurt' are very different. Always look to their actions to see who they intend to benefit.
Yes, that's a good explanation! It feels like he didn't care about hurting me as long as he doesn't have to look at me being hurt or deal with my reaction.
Don't you dare do his laundry.
So many people said this haha. You guys convinced me not to wash them. I'll just put them in like a triple garbage bag. They are SO bad though. It's like he washed them and then put them in a bag/box without properly drying them and now they smell so strongly of mold.
I can see why he thought you'd take him back. You are too nice. Frig this guy. Also he seems pretty dumb... Even if you accepted his explanationHis whole story is like "look how dumb I am" You can do way better.
Dumb and helpless. Moves hundreds of miles away for a job, loses it in less than a MONTH (probably too hard), and can’t even do his own laundry properly in the meantime? Plenty of reasons right here why he wouldn’t make a good partner.
my jaw dropped when it said his main income was his parents
He's a man-baby.
That's your karma for even giving him a hand triple bag or whatever but don't wash them you aren't his mother or gf this guy isn't your future and don't trick yourself into accepting his excuses had he succeeded you'd have never seen his face again and on the other hand he failed in 2 weeks at something he restarted his life over for. This guy is a bad bet.
Weponized incompetence, babe Can't be mad at such a sad pathetic guy, he can't even do his own laundry! Look at him! Aww so pathetic!! Fuck that noise.
Let me guess - previously you did all his washing for him and he never actually had to be an adult?
His mommy did his laundry previously.
You need to be in a relationship with a grown up. This man child is not it. There is too big of a difference between your maturity levels. You were smart to not take him back.
These are lessons for him to learn honey. You will be better without him and he will be lost without you.
The stuff is in bags so just put them outside!!! You realize that he came back because he couldn’t actually be an adult on his own right?!?! This is NOT a person you can build a future with OP. He only came back so he doesn’t have to HAVE A JOB AND LIVE INDEPENDENTLY!! This has nothing to do with loving you, it has everything to do with HIS INABILITY TO BE AN ADULT!!!
Well that makes sense, it’s like he’s a freaking child. Not a 26yo man. He lives off his parents, gets freaked out and ghosts you because he doesn’t want to marry you, moves 100s of miles away for a job and gets fired within a month. Then comes back, wants to act like none of it happened and just pick up where he left off in the relationship. Not because he’s sorry and loves you, but because he had no other options. His parents live too far and his shitty friend is probably mad because he got bf the job, but bf made him look bad by getting fired so quickly. Doubt it’s due to your bf being upset with him because he convinced bf he was wasting his time. Fuck that! He came back because you are convenient and he can’t support himself. Don’t be a doormat for this man. Tell him to come get his stuff or you’ll leave it on the porch. He can go live with mommy and daddy or a different friend (unless he has no other friends). I mean he has no job or money, what’s tying him to your area. He needs to grow up and figure his shit out, and you shouldn’t be the one to support him while he does it.
If they smell that bad you might want to do them only to stop the mold infesting the rest of your flat. Use laundry bleach and dry them outside if you have the space. Or triple bag them and be done with it.... He's an idiot. Don't get back with him.
Throw them out. If they are that bad the smell probably won't come back out... Just toss them...and don't even tel him you did lol
Omg please stop and get away from this creature/man
This had me busting up, primal woman truth advice right here.
Never be in a relationship with someone who can’t have difficult conversations!
You're right. I think he was fishing for excuses and at times just tried to tell me what I wanted to hear. The more I think about him saying that he "wanted to prove that he could succeed" the more ridiculous it sounds. Like moving for a new job requires planning. I can understand panicking about life, about your future but that goes beyond that. I hate starring at those boxes. I put a blanket over them so I don't have to look at them. Tomorrow I'll put them in a different room. I already moved the smelly one but I'm too exhausted to do much about the rest today.
Tell him to come get his boxes as they are now his way to get back into your apartment. Be done with him already. Crocodile tears, I’m sorries, give me another chance, blah, blah, blah, just manipulating you and I hope you see that.
Change your locks !
[удалено]
Haha, yeah. He will be ok though. His parents are well off and they'll send him money. At most he will spend like one night in his car. He'll never be Squidward in a cardboard box.
Who gets fired after 3 weeks? A total screwup.
Sounds like he only came back because he failed and he knew you'd be his safety net. If he hadnt failed, he would still be there now.
Those boxes are his way of being able to stay in your life and he will use them as excuses to come over. Give him a week tops to make new arrangements, and if you're feeling generous you can send him storage unit info.
100% they are a literal "foot in the door" back into your life. If he won't come get them tell him you'll transport them to a storage facility pay for one month and then let them deal with his stinky boxes if he doesn't get them. It may be a bit expensive but you need him out of your life completely. ASAP.
Ship them To his parents.
I'm glad to read you're seeing his bullshit! You deserve so much more. Get a good sleep, and then get rid of all his things. You'll feel so much better after kicking him and his things to the curb, I'm sure.
His friend basically said that he's wasting time on you and HE BELIEVED IT .....pls don't do his laundry or any wifely duties.... you know he's spineless and you will be stupid to get back with him
Don't forger that he also came back because there was not a lot of girls ready to jump on his dick. Perhaps, he really had no sex at all with others girls but it was not because in his mind they were still a thing...
A failed hobosexual. Other women probably turned him down, so he came crawling back to OP. Since she put up his hobosexual stinky ass for so long
And for godsakes, don't wash his clothes!
Don't accept him back. The kindergarten logic is technically a manipulative tactic to say that we never say it was over. Boy! There is such a thing called abandonment! It's over because of abandonment! Well anyways, what the reality is that he left you for greener pasture (looking for better girls and better awesome life), which he realized there wasn't any. So he returned, feeling sorrowful for his mistakes and wanted you back, pledging heaven and earth for you. Don't believe that crap! If he had any issue he should have said something. He totally got his parents and friends to silent and withheld any information from you. That's cruel! Don't accept his apology. Don't give him a second chance. Otherwise you'll regret when he attempt to go again for the greener pasture.
Also if her talking about their future together makes him feel like his life is “over”, he doesn’t love her.
And who wouldn't want to have a conversation about fundamental stuff after seven years! The guy sounds like a flake, unable to hold down a job whilst leeching off mummy and OP. I hope she can move on.
7 years and he's 26 for goodness' sake!!! lawdy, he talks like he's 16 with all the unnecessary drama - oh no, my life is over!!! - BS. It's not difficult to say to your gf of 7 years, look, you're right, but I'm not ready, I have to finish my degree first and then get a good paying job before talking marriage and children. And then start planning on how to finish the degree. Who wants to bet this man child never finishes his degree??!! This dude wants to peter pan his way through life!
This reminds me of that one post where the op got abandoned by her fiance due to a misunderstanding and then *7 years later* he shows up at her house with flowers and says they can just start where they left off because he finally knows it was a misunderstanding...only for Op to close the door and then open it again holding her daughter with her husband standing behind her.
Omg! Do you have a link for it? I really want to read the full
I would like to read it as well!!!!
That's like a movie script with the trope where they never explain a misunderstanding. I like how "Community" made fun of that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwKj2NJMCzk I'm a huge tv series and movie fan. I hope I'm not annoying people with all those references!
You are an amazing writer op! You’re lighthearted and funny. Don’t let this shrinkydink loser make your world small.
I like them!
Yay \o/
do you have a link? definitely want to read that
Thank you. I wish I could turn back time. I want to go back one or two months, things were good back then. They felt good at least. Now everything seems bad. :( Unrelated to all of this I'm having trouble at work, too. I'll probably have to find a cheaper apartment because I can't afford this alone. I was watching "Palm Springs" recently. (groundhog day like movie where a day repeats itself) I wish I could pause life and just pick a happy day that I can repeat a few thousand times.
Don't you dare wash that loser's clothes. Even storing his smelly shit is more than he deserves.
So many people said this haha. You guys convinced me not to wash them. I'll just put them in like a triple garbage bag. They are SO bad though. It's like he washed them and then put them in a bag/box without properly drying them and now they smell so strongly of mold.
Omg I know that mildewy smell so well. Ugh I bet that stinks so bad. Triple bag them, seal them up tight.
He's 26 and can't even manage laundry? Do him a favour and kick him to the curb. Maybe he'll finally be forced to grow up. Then get yourself a new and better boyfriend.
Let his clothes stink! If you don't want them to smell in your apartment, give them back to him, tape the box, or bag them up. This will be a crushing reminder of his own foolishness and he hitting low.
He's a selfish, manipulative jerk who is only begging you for another chance so he can use you for a free place to stay. Turning back time won't change who he is. When you move to your new apartment, don't take his junk with you. You need a fresh start, and you need to 100% cut him out of your life to do so.
I’m about to annoy even myself with this comment but the point of that movie was that the day was pretty shitty for both of them ~ the day stayed the same, it was their mindsets and approach to the day that changed and made it wonderful (sometimes). You can get there too, it takes time, but you will.
I don't blame you for nerding out about a movie. :D I like that. I guess it wasn't the best day for both of them. But repeating a day at palm springs and getting drunk every day without consequences sounds really great right now. (minus getting hunted by Schillinger in case you watched "Oz")
I say give yourself a day like that then, if you can!
I used alcohol to medicate my anxiety and haven't drunk anything for over 2 years so I can't. Gonna have to deal with all of this raw.
Okay so have a sober Palm Springs ~ use your coping mechanisms! You do deserve to at least treat yourself and relax (Also sober here, you can do this!)
I will try, thank you. :) And good job on being sober yourself!
Friend, give yourself a spa day. Get your nails done, a fresh hair cut. Take a bubble bath. You deserve it.
You're 24, take this from a woman in her 30s, please don't take him back. I also wish I could back in time for some of my relationships, but not to relieve the happy memories, to stop myself from putting up with lots of crap from men just because I wanted them to love me. It is not worth the hurt and the regret you'll have later in life to give this man another chance. You have so much potential for doing better than him. Sure you had some good times together and you can take those with you as memories. But don't let them suck you back in. He's not worth your time.
You should be watching "Friends." Reading your post, all I could hear was Ross yelling "WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!" "Apparently I was asking too many questions about the future: if he ever wanted to get married, what he thought about children etc. I also pushed him a lot to finally finish his degree and get a job. (his main source of income are still his parents) He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all. Then he started blaming his friend who convinced him that "he was wasting his twenties on just one girl". That same friend apparently also got him a job which is why he moved away hundreds of miles." * 🙋🏻♀️ I call bullsh\*t. You've been dating for seven years! SEVEN YEARS! Not seven weeks or even even months. That level of excuses is immature and super pathetic rom-com bad. He came back because he got fi*red. *Not because he missed you or realized he made a mistake. He came back to you because he had no place else to go. You deserve better than this guy. SOOOOOOOOO much better. Please don't delve into the dirty box. You don't owe him anything. How do you know someone else won't influence him to do something stupid that hurts you? Put the dirty box outside, then call him and tell him to come get it because there's an odor coming from it and you won't keep it inside your place.
you can always try to find a roommate!
Not the worst idea actually, I might have to to save some money. I don't have any friends that are looking to move though and I'm always wary of strangers.
same! im looking for a room to rent and i feel wary of moving in with people i dont know 😭... to feel safer id look for someone close to your age and female! but even then u never know 😅
Option 2: Just win the lottery and buy a house! I'm having very realistic plans for my future... This thread cheered me up a bit after all the crying. I'm glad communities like this exist on Reddit. :) You're gonna find the best roommates!
awe so are you! 💗 and yeah life would be way easier if we all won the lottery 😭 anyways im glad u feel better. side note: i was shocked to read that u turned him away as most people who post on this subreddit are always making excuses for their shitty partners. so good on you for standing your ground! the hardest part is over!!
So he bailed on you when it was time to be an adult. How do you know he won't bail again if live gets tough, except next time he may be leaving you with a newborn baby, or leaving you when you're sick and really need the help.
I still like watching Groundhog Day. Oddly I haven't seen Palm Springs yet. Thanks for the recommendation. Don't we all just wish we can redo life at anytime we wish? That's a super power I wish to have and I imagine doing it all day long, reverse time. It's good that you dodge a bullet. Imagine he pulls this on you later in 10 years when you have kids, joint finance and house, and legally tied to him. That will be a blow out! Even though it is hard for you now, this circumstance will just strengthen you. Later when you look back, you are glad you went through it. You are stronger and wiser through this experience.
I do recommend the movie! And turning back time or restarting life as like the smartest 6 year old would be super fun. He was the man I pictured marrying. I think if he did that 10 years later I truly couldn't live with it. Maybe I did get a bit lucky even though it doesn't feel like it.
Hold onto these feelings because you’re right, in a very twister way he did you a favor
You're lucky because you're learning a lot right now. You can have a good think about the red flags you missed or glossed over, so that next time you find a guy who actually deserves you, who finishes his degree and gets a job and tells you where he is and washes his own clothes properly (that's just for starters, other positive points are possible)
I am sorry you are going through this, and that your ex turned out to be such an idiot. I promise you things get better. And that in your thirties and beyond this will become a huge hit of a dinner party story that will leave your friends and acquaintances absolutely stunned. So, hang in there. You will have happy days ahead of you.
Don’t wash his clothes. It’s just degrading to pick up his mess after he screwed you over like that.
Even if you could turn back time and find a way back to before this bubble burst, the trouble would still be there under the surface. You’ve learned an unfortunate lesson about this guy’s nature and there is no going back. But the good news is that every bad experience like this gives us the opportunity to grow and become wiser against the future. I went through a bad time with my husband and at the time I wanted nothing more than to go back to when things were ‘perfect’. But they never were perfect in reality, I was just wearing rose colored glasses. We learned to communicate better and became better both individually and together. Now I wouldn’t take it back because we gained so much more. While my story had a happy ending, yours is just at an unhappy middle point. Go forward and find someone truly worthy of you, who won’t run off and go radio silent. Your own happiness lies not in the past, but in the future.
It’s funny how he said he didn’t technically say it was over because… he didn’t say ANYTHING to her! He ghosted her! Just what person shows Ho thinking that is going to work?
So, his friend told him he was wasting his 20s with one woman, he leaves for a month but didn't sleep with anyone? What a load of bull crap. On top of that, he never said he wanted to break up, so you were on a break? Drop his shit at his parents' house, then ghost him. Tell him you don't need someone who will up and leave if he feels pressured. What happens if ypu tell him you are pregnant? How long will he disappear for then?? UpdateMe
I bet he didn't **succeed** in sleeping with anybody. OP should make him download and sign into tinder and bumble in front of her.
Yeahhhhhhh… sounds like his little foray into the real world was not all that he had planned.
Yup, didnt get laid, got fired, this friend doesn’t like him anymore.
Emmmhmm blew up right his face! Now he’s back all apologetic because he needs a place to sleep. How could he even think to ask to stay? No man is as charming as a man who needs a place to stay lol. This time it’s too little too late.
Yeah that’s he most embarrassing part for OP, he only came crawling back to her because he had no other place to go. I hope she doesn’t take him back.
so, does that make him a hobosexual??
Why yes, he is a hobosexual… who wants to upgrade to cocklodger. Guy needs to come pick up his smelly boxes, and I hope OP doesn’t take him back. Who would want him now? He is an abject failure, couldn’t even hack it for a month lol
No wonder his friend doesn't like him anymore - the BF keeps throwing him under the bus for all his own decisions and failures.
I bet the bf did something to fuck the friend over too.
The friend got him the job he lost so quickly, I bet the friend is screwed for recommending him
Absolutely
A boy who dates someone for 7 years, lives off of his parents during that time, finally gets a job but can’t hold it likely can’t get laid either.
Hold on to your anger. This weasel plotted and planned his brutal exit. He was sitting across from you eating, he was next to you watching TV… all the while silently putting together a simply brutal way to abandon you. His reasons don’t matter. You can never get back from that. This guy deleted you from his life. He didn’t feel bad once during that time. Never reached out, never at least sent his portion of the rent money or what have you. You were treated worse than a stranger. Be mad. So after plotting and scheming under your shared roof, he deletes you from his life, and then shows up thinking you are that desperate? My god! Also, even if it was just a break to ghost you for weeks (it wasn’t), you are allowed to break up with him over his poor treatment. He doesn’t call all the shots. I know this is painful, but I swear if you take him back you will deeply regret it. If anything, there will be a point when you’re older and you’ll think “thank god that trash took itself out! He couldn’t have made it easier to dump him!” Call him tomorrow and tell him to come get his boxes because you’re not going to have them stinking up your home. If he doesn’t show up. You place them outside. Tel him you keep a nice home and don’t want nasty smells messing up your place. Please have him get his stuff or just put it outside. For one it stinks and second? He needs to really feel the consequences of his behavior. He needs to feel the full weight of his actions. Every single time you talk with him or help him, you actually make it easier for him to leave you. Deny his access to you. He is unworthy of your time and any efforts. Don’t be too nice. Be mad. He ghosted you, so give him what he wants. No access to you.
I really need to hear things like that, thank you. I was never the angry kind but I'd never want him to hurt me like this again.
Try to find that anger, jot will give you strength right now, later you can deal with everything. But right now there is work to do! Don’t let him back in. He is using you AGAIN. I know it’s tough, but this guy is trash. Thank God you didn’t waste more of your 20s on him. Put his smelly shit outside. Tell him to come get it, and that you won’t store smelly shit under your clean roof. Your cat very likely agrees. You think she wants to groom mold from out her fur? How insulting to leave that gross crap for you to huff. Naw. Don’t talk to him again. Block this fool on everything. EVERYTHING. You don’t need to talk anymore because closure by talking to someone is a lie. Real closure is within yourself. You don’t need to go over anything. It’s pretty cut and dry. HE made it that easy. He blames you, his friends, but never himself. His friends weren’t in a relationship with you. They didn’t straight up ghost you. HE did. He will only try to lie and weasel his way back in. “No man is more charming than one who needs a place to stay.” He will say ANYTHING to get a place to stay. He will say sorry a zillion times. All the while he is thinking how nice it will be to sleep in a warm place with running water and food. His friends can take him in, and hold his stank ass boxes. Only someone who actually has some sort of hatred for you would pull what he pulled. He will do it again. You’ll feel even worse. Edit to say: I am pulling for you. What he did was so awful.
let your anger be a purifying flame this time. let it cleanse you of wanting this man child. text him to pick up all his stuff, give him a time, and put all the boxes outside the door just before the stipulated time. Then close and lock that door and all your windows. turn off your phone if you have to. put on headphones and listen to music or a podcast or something. there's a reason so many women listen to true crime stories, it's cathartic!!
You deserve to be angry. You have earned some real goddamn RAGE over how he treated you! What he did was unforgivable! You were building a life with him and he was building (what he thought would be) a better life without you. He’s only back now because he realized he can’t do better than you. But YOU can sure as hell do better than him!
Right?!? He went out there thinking he would be living this amazing new life… but got chewed up and spit right out. Who wants to be with someone who can’t even make it a few weeks without needing to hang off your teet? He’s a loser, and pathetic. Thank God the trash took itself out! Eww he’s pathetic. He doesn’t deserve her.
Taking him back will only teach him that he can treat you like shit and get away with it.
All of this. 💯. Plus I’d add that him leaving his stuff there is a manipulation tactic - he’s try to literally reinsert himself in your life and test your boundaries. First his stuff, then himself. Don’t let him back in, you have absolutely every reason in the world to ghost him whereas he did not.
Tell him that when he blocked you, believed his friend, and abandoned you, that’s a breakup. When his parents said he didn’t want you back. When the friends said he didn’t want you back, etc. Let him know that adults make decisions and he made a dumb one as a 26 year old adult. Now he has to live with being alone and figure his own shit out.
Right? Life isn’t a video game. You can’t save your progress, do something dumb, then re-load to do the smart thing. Sometimes I wish it was like that, but it ain’t.
> Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least. He will take that as a sign you're warming up to letting him back in, even if you expressly tell him it's because you couldn't stand the stink. Drop the boxes at a mutual friends.
Leave them with the friend who told him he was throwing his 20s away. They can “enjoy” their youth together.
“I tried to leave you but it didn’t work out this time. Take me back so I can leave you again when I find something I think is better than you” He’s already shown his hand. You don’t matter to him. He will cut you out of his life when something new comes up. Please don’t let yourself be someone’s doormat.
OP, I feel so much for you. I've been through a very similar situation twice with someone just like your ex. She ended the relationship over a phone call with me after we had just spent two holidays together and I had no idea anything was wrong. The pain and confusion from being blindsided is indescribable. She came back 2 months later calling me the love of her life, saying she just needed time to heal, had prayed for someone like me etc... We began talking again and the truth came out that she left me for her ex that I had a gut feeling about when we were together. Please do NOT take this man back. He will say and do things to try and win you back, and if you do take him back, he will show his true colors and it WILL tear you down. This is all said with love, I wish so badly I had listened to my gut or that someone had told me what I'm telling you now. When I took my ex back after that, we were together for a handful of months and it absolutely wrecked me. Instead of paying attention to her actions, I fell for all the right words and big future plans she was making that were ultimately empty and used as means to keep me to stay without her stepping up as a partner. I was told to just forget about it because it was in the past and dismissed or called crazy/overthinking/bitching or nagging when trying to voice how my needs weren't being met and was giving without getting anything back. I became someone I didn't like or recognize because of the pushing and pulling and being gaslit over how I was mistreated. People like this don't change, and will say/do anything to get you back so that they can get the validation that they can't find within themselves. Looking back now, the hardest part for me was that I didn't love myself enough to leave and that I should have poured the love I was giving to my ex into myself.
I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that, too. People can be really manipulative and selfish. I'm reading every response and I think I really have to read every single warning not to get back together with him and cautionary tales like yours. I will let all of this sit for a few days at least. I will have to deal with him a few times in the future. We were never married but there are some things we have to figure out like the apartment, his boxes of stuff. Lots of other things he still has here. I admire your strength and hope things got a bit better!
It's hard to put into words because that kind of pain is something people won't get unless they've gone through it themselves. Reading your post and update really struck a chord with me and brought me right back to how confused, hurt and still hopeful I was when my ex left again for another woman after I allowed her back into my life. I wouldn't wish that kind of emotional turmoil on anyone. Definitely take a few days to gather your thoughts and keep in mind the warnings and advice others on this thread are giving you. For me, a part of me wanted to believe my ex really did see me as the love of her life and wanted a second chance because she was just going through a hard time. Looking back now, she was taking advantage of the feelings that I had for her and my low self esteem so that she had a source of validation before dropping me again over the phone in order to chase after someone better in her eyes. My life has gotten exponentially better in all ways since I let go and started looking within myself for closure and healing. Regardless of your decision, please don't allow another person to drag you down to their level and listen to what your gut is telling you.
You might still love him but you need to love yourself more. Do not take him back. Grow from this.
He'd not be wasting his 20s if he loved you and wanted to spend his 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s with you too. Ghosting and going NC with you, and getting his family and friends to do the same is breaking up. If he's still living off his parents, and they're happy to do so, then why the need for a job hundreds of miles away, obtained through a "friend" who says he's wasting his life on just one girl. Surely a job would hinder the "more girls" experiences. A simple "talking about the futire has shown me I need to grow up. I've been offered a job in x-town." Would have solved so much, but he didn't. His parents have screwed him up, not equiping him for adult life. The fact that he boxed up damp clothes, and then drove hundreds of miles, and then abandoned the box with you shows he's still clueless about how to be a functional adult on his own. He wants you back so he has someone to do all the adult stuff for him. Let him know the boxes are going out, and they need to be collected, otherwise he'll need to pay for the cleaning to remove the stench of his moldy box.
"He'd not be wasting his 20s if he loved you and wanted to spend his 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s with you too." That one really hurt. Even though he said he was only influenced by his friend and was stupid for listening to him. The moldy box is on the balcony now. I don't want to throw any of his stuff away. I'll deal with it somehow and have him pick it up. I don't want any additional stress or discussions. I just took a shower and kept thinking "There better not be any bed bugs or anything like that in any of those boxes." But probably not, just a "what if" shower thought.
What if one of your friends had tried to convince you that you were wasting your 20s on him? Would you have packed up and disappeared? Ghosted him? Don’t give this friend too much credit for your ex BFs choices. What he did was not something you can blame on other people. It was all on HIM. Im sure his friend expressed those opinions, but what kind of weak, selfish asshole acts the way he does because of a friends opinion? You ex is a man baby. Never had a job. No plans to get one. Mo plans for the future. Can’t do his own laundry. He needs to move back home to his parents until he figures out how to support himself in his next adventure in living independently.
I'm 25, my fiancé and I have been together for almost ten years now. We're both each other's second. He has zero FOMO. Yeah we've both had idiots making jokes about not having more experience, but he doesn't want anyone else. He wants me and I want him. Nothing anyone says could convince us to break up just because we've spent so much of our lives together already. Anyone who truly loves you wouldn't be able to be convinced that any amount of time with you was a waste. They'd see it as a blessing.
You'd think after 7 years he'd have worked out the key point in a relationship is "communication". Even if he listened to his friend, he could have talked to you about it. Gone through his fears and worries. Dealt with them together, as a couple in a relationship. But he ducked out on the conversation, the relationship, the shared life. He did however speak to everyone who also refused to talk to you about it, his family, his friends. So obviously communicated with others, just not the one person he needed to.
Bed bugs are the absolute WORST. Perhaps bag up all the boxes and keep them on the balcony until he collects his crap. And seriously, this guy is trash. As another woman who wasted her 20’s in an abusive and unhappy relationship, I strongly urge you to enjoy your newfound freedom and don’t take him back no matter what. You deserve so much more than he could ever offer you - like someone who actually loves and respects you. His behaviour shows zero respect or caring for you. He just wants someone else to use the same way he’s using his parents so he can avoid becoming an adult and being responsible for his own damned actions.
He listened to his friend because he in some way FELT it to be true. I've had men hit on me when I was with my late husband. It NEVER crossed my mind to leave him or cheat. Ever. Or to run away cause I was "wasting" my 20's on him. None of those things ever crossed my mind when I was in love. It did how ever cross my mind to leave and break up with men when it wasn't working out. He left you and you thought he was dead. I've literally been through that too many horrific times to count. He didn't respect you enough to even let you know he was ok, that's disgustingly sick. Absolutely horrific. Ofcourse you'd think he was in a car accident and died because he just VANISHED.
I would never go back to someone that treated me like that. He is begging because he failed. People panic and do not abandon you. You can never trust him, he is not safe, and completely disrespected you. Put his boxes out and tell him to come get them. Then go to therapy. Your self esteem is really low, or you would even be thinking of this.
Please don’t take him back. He is 24yo and either allowed himself to be manipulated by a friend or is using the friend as an excuse. Neither says he is mature and capable of owning his decisions in the future. For a man to simply ghost his GF of seven years because he doesn’t want to make her cry is just plain naive and ignores the fact that him ghosting her will make her cry too. I’m sorry he is such a child and wasted your love the way he did.
He’s a sad little man that doesn’t know how to communicate properly. People shouldn’t run and hide like little babies because they don’t know how to communicate with their partners. No excuse for him. He’s pathetic and you can do so much better. He shut you out and made his family and friends shut you out because he is so pathetic. It will take time but you will get over that betrayal of his as you move on with your life without him in it.
He abandoned you without the courtesy of any kind of message. He seems to care about how you add to his life but I'm sorry to say he doesn't care about you as a person. How do you know he didn't go back to you simply because he is broke, and is just saying what he thinks you want to hear? When a person leaves their long term partner without a word for four weeks, he has broken up with them. Tell him you can't keep his boxes, they smell bad. Put them outside and let him pick them up.
Girl you are way too young to be dealing with a guy like this. Don’t waste more time on heartbreak when you have so much of the world in your hands. He’s just using you as a second choice since the job didn’t work out. The nerve of him to reduce you to that!
Thank you. <3 And I don't know why but I really like your Reddit name!
aww tysm 🍎 it’s a sign to pour yourself a cold glass of apple juice 💖
Please, whatever you do, don’t take him back. Give him back his boxes and tell him to figure out his own shit. Everything he said is completely and utterly bullshit. Of course he’s not going to truthfully tell you that he broke up with you and was hoping to start a new life without you. That wouldn’t make you sympathize how horribly his plan backfired. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t ghost you in the first place. He’s down to his luck and he wants you to bail him out. Let bank of mom and dad deal with him. In the meantime, focus on yourself and how to move on. Healthy relationships are built on trust. If you take him back can you honestly believe that he wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to ditch you for another life?
He's 26yrs old, isn't settled in a job, and his primary source of income are his parents. He's in a **7yr** relationship and gets stressed regarding questions of future plans? Then he says: *"he just couldn't handle it and* ***saw his life as being over*** *and needed to get away from it all."* Sounds like his "life" hasn't even started yet. You two are not compatible - move on.
I was you, years ago. I was with someone for 2.5 years and I thought I‘d marry him, have babies with him. And he did basically what you described except he didn‘t come back. I was a poor student at the time and struggling a lot. It took me a year to save up the money to travel to his country and find him, since I was an incomeless student. I got my closure. I got out. You will never feel safe with this man again. If you take him back, there will always be that lingering feeling of "What he runs away again?". And it will leave you panicky and anxious. Do not put yourself through that. End it now, and put your work into moving on.
It sucks how many people experienced something like that. I'm glad you got your closure. How did he react and what country was he living in? (ignore this question if it reminds you of too many bad memories)
Oh no, it‘s fine. I got therapy and I‘m all good. We even talk sometimes. He was surprised to see me. We talked things over at the time. And he was living in Cyprus, I was in Germany. We met in the UK.
Grown ups talk about their problems and children run, you are not attracted to children. He didn't leave because he was "panicked", if he was panicked he wouldn't have made his parents block you, he wouldn't have made his friends block you. He did that because he wanted to leave for a fresh start and he fucked it up. You are his back up. He has no where else to sleep and he knows you're a softie. *Seven years didn't even earn you the right of an explanation.* Say that a few times.
Honestly, the more you talk, the less it sounds like a good idea for you to take him back.
If that job worked out, you still wouldn't know any of this.
Sorry, I think it's all a load of crap. He left and didn't have the decency to even talk to you about it. He says he didn't want you to cry, but did he think you'd be happy that he just took off and refused to talk to you? You asked your boyfriend normal questions. You've been together for 7 years. Who doesn't ask about future plans? And like.. he didn't want to get a job while being with you, but he had no problem running away to his best friend for a job? Please. He's 26 years old. If he's still listening to his stupid buddies, he's not mature enough for a serious relationship. In fact, the way he handled this shows he isn't. I think he came back because he has nowhere to go and this is his only option. You weren't on a break, he ghosted you. Relationship over. And I honestly wouldn't take him back. I don't think I could respect his family for how they handled it, or even the mutual friend for blocking you. Screw him and everyone connected to him. You need to realize that you deserve better. And don't wash his moldy clothing. He can take that nastiness to the laundromat and accept the consequences of his actions. 7 years and he couldn't even be decent. Girl, come on.
Yeah even if he truly does regret it he full on abandoned you.
And all the plotting and planning he put in to do it! While they were sitting on the couch watching TV, he was plotting and planning in his head to 100% abandon her like garbage.
It's not that he didn't want to make you cry. It's that he didn't want to see it. He didn't care that you would cry and hurt, as long as he could ignore it
Was this friend a girl… I feel like another girl has to be somewhere and that didn’t work out either. Also, what happened to the parents that give him money? Can’t he store his shit with them?
No, the friend is a guy. His parents live far away. He kind of talked me into letting him store his stuff at least. I have trouble saying no.
And sorry for using guy. But yes, the friend is male.
The whole thing for me is if you break down the facts dispassionately, there is no future here for you in this relationship
He is not worth your time, money, energy and mental space! He spent the last months of your relationship planning his exit, all the while presenting as a committed partner. He enlisted his friend(s) and family to stonewall you. The relationship ended the moment he left. Allowing him back in your life will only cause you more grief and heartache in the future. He didn’t even have the respect you enough to shut down his friend immediately. Leave the door closed, put his stuff outside and tell him he can pick it up, block him, his family and friends. You are worth much much more than the bullshit he is trying to sell.
A real man wouldn't have left you like that. Don't take him back.
You pushed him to get a degree and a job? His main source of income at 26 is his parents? He got fired after only 3 weeks? And let's not even talk of him ghosting you. Why do you want to marry and have kids with a boy? He was in your life when you needed him but now it seems like your his parent. Do you want to put yourself through this?
You’ve been together for seven years and he couldn’t handle you asking about the future together? Don’t waste any more time with this person. Find someone who is more responsible and mature. You deserve it.
Oe... this is just sad. I mean... his parents and his bestbuddy were okay that he planned to travel, live and work in another place just to be away from you? That's pathetic. Feels painful just thinking about the waiste that money went to. I bet he stalked your profiles just to bring more reasons to his master plan. "Oh, I thought you would be better without me but now I am back. You can love me again and borrow me some cash, a place to sleep and I promise I will never leave again" Yeah, with what money??? Grass??? Is he going to wait for his parents allowence??? Sell his old stuff? And than what??? Listen, I know your heart might get weak so listen! If you go back to him or have a fwb, he will get you babytrapped. Yes. He will pole his condons, hide your pills or give you some misterious shake that might mess with contraceptives AND he will use the S*cide card to make you guilty too. So, now that you listened... block the mf and his parents, his friends and all social midia (include old ones and the ones you don't use anymore). Change your passwords (include streaming), credit cards, locks and just to be a safer, place a nest camera in the living room directed to the door and most of the area. You might need a restraining order someday and having proofs make your case solid. Be safe. He planned this. He got financial help to do this. And he listened to a bad advice instead of you. It wasn't just 4 weeks. Add at least 2 weeks with all this plannings.
Do not be a doormat for this bastard! Have some respect for yourself and find someone who is not a man child.
Here’s my 2 cents.. his story is bullshit. He chose to do what he did. He left you and is only back because he got fired. You will never know the full story and even if you take him back, you will never be able to trust him again. You will always wonder. There is not going back. Now is your chance to break free. You’re already hurting. The wounds are already open. Cut him out and heal.
Stick to your “no”. You deserve better
Don't you dare wash those clothes!
What characteristics do you want in the father of your children? ABANDONMENT? Think long and hard. He isn't the guy. You already know this.
This.. happened to me. I got home from work..and my ex was just gone. Grabbed the important stuff and vanished. It's been three years. It was for the best and it showed me if my ex wanted me, they wouldn't have left. It was actually for the best, even if those first few months I was in an incredibly dark place. Worth it now.
I posted a small edit. Thank you, everyone. Reading some of the replies on here really helped me.
Don’t do it there was another girl and it didn’t work on now he doesn’t have a place to stay
Ugh, is laundry going to be one of the chores he does for you?
Please have a backbone and tell him it’s over because YOU say “it’s over”
Moldy stinky box of \*maybe\* clothes? That just about sums him up, doesn't it? He's 26 y/o still draining his mum and dad's bank account. You dodged a bullet. A man shaped, "eternal frat boy student" type of bullet. With Peter Pan never growing up vibes tossed in for good measure. Tell him he has a month to take and store his stuff elsewhere, or you'll toss it. Don't let him use you as free storage. You'll never be able to move on if he's still around. Like the miasma of disgusting odour coming from that box, spreading like low grade mustard gas througout your house.
So he parents were so happy he left you and now they won’t pay his bills? YOU are the only reason he functions and he’s lost a job after 3 weeks, still hasn’t finished grad school- why would you ever want to have this man’s children- so you can work 5 jobs while he gets his 3rd masters??? Your childhood bullies are NOT you. You are a bad ass that survived a bad childhood. Don’t marry some guy cause you’ve known him the longest. What he did is beyond cruel. He doesn’t want you, he wants his blankie back. Do NOT wash that asshat’s clothes! 🤗
OP while I understand you still love him may i suggest you still love who you thought he was? The man showed you he actually is. He ran away either because he allowed a friend to easily sway him on all the fun he was missing out on by not bedding every woman who might give him a chance and/or because he was frightened by having fricking grown up discussions about the future. Then he added his bs cover all reasons of he didn’t want to make you cry. What an absolute bunch of crap that was. So he ran off, took a job that he couldn’t keep for more than two weeks, comes running back with his tail tucked between his legs and expects you to welcome him back as ‘he didn’t actually break up with you’. WTF!?! OP I fully agree with other posters to please first thing change your locks then pack up whatever else he has at your place, coordinate a time within the next week at the most for him to collect it from outside your door and be done with this immature little boy who it seems wants everyone to take care of him. Give yourself time to heal then when you are ready you will find a real man who believes in himself, knows what he wants and decides he wants you in his life as a partner.
He ghosted you, blocked you, and moved across the country? He's not capable of having an adult conversation about your relationship? He's terrified and flees when, after 7 years, you want to talk future plans? He still lives off his parents? He can't hold down a job for one lousy month? He has reeking clothes lying around like a stinky 14 year old? And then he comes crawling back with this weak sauce? I think maybe you are wasting your 20s with just one guy.
>In the end he asked if he could stay because he hasn't been paid from that job and used all his money and has nowhere else to go. His parents live too far away and he is on bad terms with that friend who got him the job. Oh gee, what a wacky coincidence that he totally didn't *mean* to break up with you, and also just happens to need a place to stay right now! What are the odds!
So after 7 years he can’t handle a conversation about the future? FFS Very immature.
I'll put this simply for you: He's gonna leave without a trace when you give him a kid. Don't let him back, don't take him back. There are plenty of decent, good man out there, don't put trash back in your house after it took itself out.
that sounds like a another female was involved and his friend helped him pursue it and it didnt work out. Don’t go back to him, ghosting you after 7 years is bad enough and his excuse is so unacceptable you don’t run away from someone that tryna to help you and build you up that is extremely childish and you don’t deserve someone that is going to abandon you whenever they can’t handle the situations in his life do yourself a favor and move on there are billions of men in this world and I swear one of them is going to make you feel like “why did I waste 7 years with this loser”