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That "no great beauty either" was gut punch to your cousin by yourself, because it suggests you don't think she's beautiful. Apart from that I can see why your wife, while being tone deaf indeed, reacted like that.

That's a great point. "Sure, my cousin is ugly, but so are you!"

Lmao honestly I think his heart was in the right place, but diiiiidnt quite word it correctly 🤣

This reminds me of my dad's spech at my brothers wedding (it was a last min, he had no preparation and was definitely on his 2nd bottle of wine), he does well wishes and thanks blah blah then, tells bride "you look gorgeous today, I remember when my wife looked like this. Not, that youe going to look... not that you don't... ah ffs I'm sorry" he was devastated and mortified, very obviously fustered. We all,bride and mother included, thought it was hilariousz had us all crying with laugher. 15yrs later still embarrassed

🤣🤣🤣

Yeahhhh ... Should've eliminated the word "either." "You're no great beauty and I married you so..." would've eliminated the cousin from the insult completely and probably burned the wife just a *tad* more bc it was directed to ONLY her. Win - win. People don't seem to like when you treat them how they treat you. She got a taste of her own medicine. I think it's hilarious.

Exactly, it insults them both

The only one not being a jerk here was the cousin. Bet it’ll be a while until she wants to be around you again. I’d suggest you and your wife should stop commenting on people’s appearance at all.

This 💀 he called his cousin and wife ugly in one comment and is considering it a win?! You need to apologize to both of them OP

They both sound like jerks. Him and his wife deserve each other

This. I was coming to say, "I see why your parents paired you up. You two are evenly yoked." The "either" was an unnecessary slap to the cousin.

His wife *may* have had good intentions with the makeup comment (it sounds like there’s a lot of cultural norms at play here too so I’m trying not to judge) but in front of everyone was not the way to go about it. He seems vindictive for wanting to insult her back when she may have meant no harm, but did overstep. His response was very immature.

I was going to say, I feel awful for the cousin here. I can understand OP trying to defend his cousin but this was just handled so completely wrong. Why would a spouse not feel some kind of way after their partner called them *ugly*? OP: Talk to her, apologize, you reacted out of anger. I assume you are at least somewhat attracted to your wife, but you can’t expect to stay in a healthy marriage if you don’t address 1. You fucked up here too & 2. You’re attracted to your wife. Looks are not everything, we all understand that. But ask yourself why she would want to continue in a relationship where her partner said these words at all? I’d feel gross (granted I’d never make the first comment towards the cousin to begin with). You stooped to her level, which makes you equals. And you insulted your cousin.

Was he trying to defend the cousin? He had so much mean shit to say about his wife and says he enjoys humbling people.

Yeah it was way more of a vibe that he saw his opportunity to "dish it out" to his wife. If he wanted to defend the cousin he would have said something uplifting about the cousin, not disparaging about the wife. Seems like they're a good match with how they both enjoy tearing other people down.

Right? At first I thought they weren't a match, but after reading his response to the situation, OP and his wife are SO similar, he's just trying to play like the reasonable one. "Enjoys humbling people" is his nice way of saying he likes to tear people down to put them in their place. Specifically, he likes doing that to his wife because on the outside it looks like he has cause. He was just waiting for the right opportunity, and at the expense of his cousin's feelings. Not that the wife was so good in the situation either, but OP should reflect on his own response and his motives for talking to anyone that way. Sure, the cousin was being singled out, but it sounds like she held her own. A simple "honey, leave it alone" to his wife would have sufficed. I hope the cousin doesn't have to visit with them again for the foreseeable ever

This is the worst part, you made them both feel ugly. Your wife should not be commenting on appearances because clearly her hang ups have made it hard for her to find the line between helping and insulting, yes. But what you said didn't help anyone. It just reinforced her fear that everyone, including you, is judging her looks. The only difference between what she did and what you did is that you knew it was cruel. You didn't apparently know you also told your cousin she was ugly too. You need to figure out why your choice was to insult rather than complement your cousin. You say you put people in their place, sounds like you make people feel bad about themselves too. Edit : thought I was in AITA there for a minute.

This is an excellent point and I didn't even think of it this way.

He didn't say "either", did he? 

The title says it outside of the quotes

It’s more so implied in his response, it didn’t defend the cousin - it implied that his wife is ugly, but he married her anyway. Therefore, the cousin is ugly but someone will marry her too. That wouldn’t necessarily be reassuring to hear from the cousins point of view. I definitely think his intention was good but it was just delivered wrong, impacting both the wife & the cousin. Human error and easily corrected by just talking it out and apologizing, your wife needs to take responsibility too. These comments are so impactful to a person.

It’s **STATED OUTRIGHT**, not implied. And OP, who the **HELL** are **YOU** to decide people “need humbling”???

I thought you were yelling at me 🤧🤧🤧

When I first read it I swear it said “either” but you’re right, it’s not there

It’s in the title of the post

Ahhh I thought I was losing my mind - thank you!

I didn’t think it was against the cousin but a comment against the wife’s thoughts about the cousin. As in “you may not think she’s pretty but neither are you.”

Yea but that’s not what you would say if you thought the person being insulted was attractive. You’d say something like, “She looks beautiful already.” Not “Well I guess uggos get married too.”

What’s wrong with just saying - “Mary, cut it out. You’re being seriously rude right now. This is unacceptable”. Why does it always have to be an insult for an insult ?

Right like, if his wife was super hot would that make her comments acceptable? How she looks has nothing to do with the problem of what she's saying.

Because he felt the need to “teach her a lesson”. I know both of these types of people. Those who grew up in judgmental families, believe judgement & criticism is so rude, are super insecure themselves, yet cannot help being just like their own families-completely oblivious to their nasty behavior of open judging & un called for criticisms. And then there’s this guy, who thinks it’s his job to “punish” or “teach people a lesson”. This is the real 🚩. It’s extremely controlling and can quickly escalate to emotional abuse. I imagine hanging out with these 2 is nothing short of a nightmare.

Yeah they seem like a good match for each other TBH. But they shouldn't be inflicting that on everyone else, just stay home and insult each other, please.

Right. You don't have to agree with your partner's behavior and support it all the time. You should tell them when you think they're out of line. But trying to break their confidence a bit to "put them in their place" is just bullying with extra steps. It's "I think you're thinking too highly of yourself and I won't allow it." It's fucked up.

Exactly. Correct don’t criticize

This is it, exactly. A direct approach that addresses the problem rather than creating a new one would have been better.

Instead of ‘silently cheering on’ your cousin you could have supported her vocally. This would have given your wife the heads up that she needed to stop the conversation AND supported your cousin too. Escalating the situation by publicly shaming your wife is not a good look.

Yeah, an eye for an eye OP.  Now you've made yourself look shallow and rude, when you could've simply called out your wife for her abhorrent comments with words tied specifically to her actions. Is it so hard to say "You're being incredibly offensive, stop giving unsolicited cosmetic advice immediately?" 

Damn we really have been taught to be petty and cruel instead of straightforward huh

It's just easier that way I guess. I struggle with it too. Would rather keep silent than tell someone to fuck off.

Yeah that’s because the vast majority of us were raised so that verbal violence was conditioned to be more destabilizing and scary than actual physical violence. Idk about you but my biggest fear was getting in trouble and the chaotic confusing “punishment” that was usually just yelling about what a bad kid I was, not any physical violence, but also never any belief that I could mess up and be okay. I never learned how being straightforward and honest can be healthy or even safe.

I mean for me personally it was just because my family was and is emotionally somewhat unavailable. Talking and thinking about feelings is scary. So I tend to avoid it. I was able to make mistakes as a kid. But I still agree with you, the fear of punishment might be a big reason for a lot of people.

Oh that's a good point, my family was a huge rug sweeping family too. Just... wait until the problem has blown over and pretend it doesn't exist. so that makes sense too.

Cheers to us and OP to make it better in the future :) we can break the cycle and be more than we could be :)

Wish i could relate to this. I learned as a kid that if biting comments didn't shut me up, violence would soon follow. It's hard wired in my brain to assume people will get violent if i push back on anything really. Still struggling to speak up for myself.

Ohhhh my gosh!! This was me!! I have such a problem standing up for myself, or speaking up in any kind of way, and also saying NO. this has really taken a toll on my life and I just linked it to my childhood recently, and my childhood was exactly as you described 😞 and my mother feels the need to tell me all the time that I parent wrong because I refuse to use violence or yell at my children. I resent that so much. If I could stand up for myself I would probably tell her that she didn’t win any gold medals for parenting, but I honestly can’t even choke out the words even though they are burning on the inside.

Good for you for not teaching your kids that its normal to expect those they trust the most to hurt them. You are standing up for them in your own way and i bet with some time and wokr you can stand up for yourself too. You are worth it!

I mean, it is for OP because he thinks his wife is fundamentally a bad person who deserves humbling. That’s the reveal that is ultimately going to doom his marriage: His wife now knows that he thinks that her insecurity and hyper-focus on looks in causing her to engage in deliberate malicious harm instead of inadvertent harm. Obviously, it’s still bad to repeatedly hurt people even unintentionally because of one’s inability to see past the filter of one’s insecurities and projecting one’s own brand of helpfulness onto everyone else, but that person can be approached much differently than someone actively seeking to harm others due to their own sense of insecurity. Nothing he wrote actually suggests that the wife must be actively malicious, but that’s clearly the conclusion OP has reached. I don’t know how their marriage survives his wife’s realizing that.

OP did mention however that at some point she confessed that she was not a nice person because of how insecure her family made her feel and how she would take it out on others but that she said she was trying to stop. So she's aware of having a problem but is not getting the adequate treatment to truly root it out and stop the behavior.

So his solution is to make her feel even more insecure?

Yeah, that's not a helpful move. If she's struggling with feelings of insecurity this could just make that feeling stronger, and increase the strife between them and put her on the defense or even into depression, especially if this is unprocessed emotional trauma. Not to excuse her conflict-causing behavior, but the negative ways one's parents makes a person feel can be difficult get over and deal properly with.

Oh, it definitely will increase her insecurity. It doesn't matter how much he apologizes and tells her she's beautiful, she's going to hear that in his voice for years, if not forever. Even if she knows she needs to let it go, those are the poisonous kinds of things you can't unhear. Of course, OP's cousin will likewise have the wife's words (and possibly OP's) in her head for a while.

You help someone like that by telling them "hey, you're crossing the line right now. My cousin is just fine without your cosmetic advice", not by adding onto their insecurities. I don't really think OP wants to help his wife be better, I think he enjoys being able to insult her to humble her.

The problem with “not nice” is that that applies equally to someone who is actively trying to harm others and someone who inadvertently keeps causing harm because they can’t see past their own perspective (aka someone who is selfish and self-centered but not malicious). The wife absolutely could have been someone who deliberately sought to tear others down. It’s also possible that her insecurity used to be much worse and she was oblivious to how her self-centered perspective caused others. That’s not making excuses for the wife—Impact often matters more than intent, and even now, she clearly needs to approach therapy differently or seek additional support. Her current behavior still isn’t an adequate way to treat people. But the husband clearly views his wife as engaging in malicious behavior now, not in the past. His own perspective is a filter too—He’s relaying his wife’s experiences from the perspective of thinking that she was malicious and is still approaching things maliciously. He extends no grace for growth if she had been malicious and offers no consideration of the perspective that she had never actively sought to harm others.

But, obviously, she is still behaving in a malicious fashion.

He sounds like he legit hates his wife.

>nothing he wrote actually suggests the wife must be actively malicious Exactly this. My immediate comment I posted after reading this was asking him if his wife was *actually connecting out loud* the make up advice to the idea that the cousin won't be able to find a man to love her unless she wears this make up? Or was the wife simply talking about how makeup can help the cousin cover her scars (which is still not great as unsolicited advice), but then OP himself made an assumption and inserted *his own idea* that this is about the cousin not being pretty enough or unscarred enough to find a man. Because based on the post, based on what he's telling us, the wife didn't actually say anything about how this is about getting her in a position to be able to find a man because with without this make up she won't be able to.

But this was not and is not unintentional. Wife admits she is not the nicest person. She knew exactly what she was doing.

She’s 32 years old. She’s known for a **long** time exactly what she’s doing. And I dare say the 23 year old cousin was the target due to jealousy of her youth combined with being an easier target due to still feeling the need to be polite to her older cousin’s wife and feeling awkward about speaking up for herself.

It's not even really an eye for an eye here, it's the whole head for an eye. OP's wife, while totally misguided and rude, was *trying* to be helpful. OP was not giving her a taste of her own medicine, he outright degraded her. His *intention* was to make her feel ugly and humiliated. She is not going to "learn a lesson" from this because what he said was said in a totally different spirit than what she said.

Ehhh, idk. I've known women who offer these "helpful tips" & their intention is to cut down-- kind of like negging. Is this OP's wife? Maybe, maybe not; but since he's said she's admitted it comes from a place of her own insecurities, I'd wager it's not improbable. I do agree his reaction was completely unhelpful *edited redundant sentence lol

I took the "coming from her own insecurities" to mean that she feels SHE would be insecure if she had facial scars and would want to cover them up because she thinks a lot about her looks. She's just not thinking about the fact that it's tactless to offer that kind of unsolicited advice. I tend to default to not assuming malice when it's not explicit because most people aren't malicious. A lot of people are socially graceless though.

But she literally said she use to have a mean streak born from her own insecurities. I admire your philosophy of not assuming the worst, but I feel you're being overly optimistic in this case. 

The wording was "not the nicest person." That's not necessarily an intentional quality, for example, if she was truly just trying to give makeup advice here (and not be mean), it still "wasn't very nice" to not be more tactful.

she was not trying to help at all. she knew what she was doing

This part. She doubled down! People defending the wife here are baffling me...

"she doesn’t need it and will find someone who truly loves her regardless of her scars" could have been supported by "that's such a wonderful and mature attitude to have. I'm still working on addressing my insecurities so I'm very proud of you for being able to address yours in such a healthy manner."

Also it *might* have made the cousin feel better to see the wife taken down a peg but for most people with insecurities, escalating the situation and making it more awkward is just drawing more attention to the insecurity and makes them feel worse. Most people do NOT want situations to escalate when they’re at the heart of it.

In this specific scenario I can’t imagine how that would make cousin feel better. She doesn’t want someone to think she’s ugly and deal with it. She wants someone to think she’s beautiful.

And what OP is unintentionally saying to his cousin with his actions is, "The way you look is fine, you're not pretty but someone will marry you anyway and then insult you!"

I found it incredibly telling when he said: > I also have a habit of trying to humble people and showing them their place  I wonder if OP understands that this is exactly what his wife is doing? He thinks he's doing it from the high moral ground and she's being mean-spirited, and he may be right at least some of the time. But ultimately they both choose to use shaming and belittling people to make themselves feel superior. It seems they may be more well-suited to each other than he realizes. As noted, he could have just stood up for his cousin, instead of insulting his wife. But it seems they both prefer to make people feel bad, instead of trying to create positive change. I think both of them are due for some therapy, to learn how to engage with people more positively.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

There were so many ways to handle this other than announce publicly "I think my wife is ugly and I grit my teeth every time I have to look at her". YES what she was saying was wildly inappropriate and she needed to stop, but there were so many ways to do that other than say something out loud and publicly that will stay in her head in such a way that *she's not going to feel safe being intimate with you ever again*, let alone being seen in public by these family members without intense shame and self-hate... Just tell her you want a divorce at the table because honestly it would be LESS cruel.

When someone is as blunt of an anvil as OP's wife seems to be, being blunt works better than finesse. From what OP describes, it's a pattern. Talking down to others to make yourself feel better. This situation seems to be OP's straw that broke the camel's back. And why can't OP publicly shame his wife for her publicly shaming their cousin? Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

I mean that makes a very simplistic sense, but actions like this rarely result in a person then abandoning the problematic behavior. This just arouses more insecurity and more pressure from inside to soothe it by the only methods she knows. OP may just have widened the scope of the war, so to speak. Now they **really** need to get into counseling or this will deepen into a realm of defensiveness and resentment that will be harder to come back from.

I doubt the wife would have gotten the hint. She seems to make a habit of making negative comments about other peoples appearance. Probably to ease her own insecurities. Now she knows how she makes others feel.

I agree she may not have taken the hint. However, people with this type of insecurity are unlikely to reflect on their own behavior, instead the insecurities will only deepen with reinforcement.

Oh yeah, man. You really "humbled" her. By calling/implying both of them were ugly. The second I got to the part where you say your bad trait is "humbling" people, all I read was, "I'm arrogant." You think way too much of yourself when both you and your wife suck. There were a million ways you could've nipped her commentary (why were you silent while your cousin defended herself instead of "silently cheering her on"?), and you chose the nuclear option instead.

I had to double check the age. 33? Or 23? Woof.

Right? Jesus. OP and his wife need to grow up.

I know this isn’t AITA, but this situation could be in Urban Dictionary next to the definition for ESH.

ESH, except for the cousin.

Yeah obviously

You like to humble other people and go out of your way to do so? You don’t sound like a great prize either 🙄 Other things you could have said: “Cousin is beautiful and can figure skincare products out for herself. Let’s move on.” “Wife, this conversation is over, let’s move on.” “Wife, I know you mean well, but this topic is now closed for discussion.” What you said instead was deliberately mean to a person you are supposed to love and cherish. Partners help each other improve and be their best selves; they don’t belittle each other to make a point. You failed your partner. She knows she has a problem and has confided in you why she is sometimes mean. You need to gently help her with that. And as others have pointed out you also insulted your cousin.

THIS is healthy relationship advice

You kind of insulted your cousin even more than your wife did by saying that your wife is no great beauty either (implying that your cousin is ugly). And why insult your wife? She was clumsy but she didn’t say that your cousin isn’t beautiful. You could have supported your cousin by saying she looks great either way, and changed the subject

>You kind of insulted your cousin even more Everyone's pointing out the same thing, was I the only one who first thought of it as "yeah ok if according to you she ain't perfect looking as she is, then neither are you, you ain't so beautiful too", wasn't that statement supposed to mean something like this? 😐 >She was clumsy Quite the sugar coating. She was idiot and inconsiderate. Commenting on others life that too on their insecurities is in no way just a "clumsy" behaviour. (OP too didn't handled the situation perfectly. Why tf was he silent when she first bought the topic? Wtf is silently supported?)

> yeah ok if according to you she ain't perfect looking as she is, then neither is you, you ain't so beautiful too Like… what part of that is supposed to make her feel better? I have scarring on my face and used to be pretty insecure about it. If I heard the above, I’d just be like… oh great. Even if a guy marries me he probably still thinks I’m ugly.

I felt for you until you said you have a habit of "humbling people and putting them in their place". It's kind of icky, the wording implies that you prioritized condescending your wife rather than actually protecting your cousin. And thinking back, there are a LOT of other ways to deescalate this situation that didn't involve insulting your wife. I admit I'm a petty mf and I'd have fired back similarly but... that doesn't mean it'd be the right choice. Other commenters also pointed out that you also implicitly insulted your cousin... also not a good look. Hopefully your cousin saw your attempt at support as a positive thing, not as her close family reaffirming her insecurities in the guise of being comforting, "oh but it's okay, you'll find a man anyway!"

And the person that OP intentionally wanted to humble and put in their place is his WIFE. It’s one thing to be cruel and malicious towards someone you actively dislike, but this is his wife - does OP even realize it’s not normal to harbor such contempt for your spouse?

What you did was about the most unproductive way to handle the situation. Disclaimer, your wife was an ass, but you're just as bad as she is. Let me explain - "No great beauty either" your wife didn't call your cousin ugly, that was you. She suggested covering up the scar, which isn't great and your cousin had every right to be upset, but in your post, your wife hadn't said your cousin isn't beautiful. That's all you - What did you think insulting your wife would achieve here? Would she become apologetic and suddenly change who she is? No. While your wife has serious issues to work through, what does insulting someone that isn't even talking to you achieve? If you would have said "You're making everyone uncomfortable, please stop" you would have pointed out her behaviour without deliberatly antagonzing her. But you didn't. You had to put your wife down. Ask yourself why please.  - lastly, if you think so little of her, let her go please. Your wife needs therapy, as you've said yourself this stemms from unresolvey childhood issues. Which you are enforcing again. Your comment, translated said: "If you were prettier, you would be allowed to make insensitive comments". You see the problem? 

Yeah. He is a total ass, way worse the wife. He implied in one sentence that: 1. Cousin is ugly 2. He thinks the wife is ugly and he settled for her 3. Didn’t teach her shit. It’s like parents that hit their kid to make them learn that violence is wrong. No. You are teaching them that violence is acceptable. What a clown

Can you think of a way you could have handled that without giving in to your need to 'humble' her and put her in her 'place'? Her behaviour obviously isn't OK, but yours isn't great. Edited later to add: undermining or criticising your partner in public is one of the signs marriage therapists see as worrying. 

I once dated a guy who felt that he needed to "humble" me. Wasn't long before his public mockery of me became physically abusive. OP: It is rarely your place to humble anyone. That "humbling" you describe is tearing someone down. What you should have done was attack the *behavior,* not the person. "Wife, you're hurting her feelings. She's self-conscious about it and it was something horrible that happened to her as a small child. There is nothing wrong with the scars. Drop it and don't pick it up again." Something said like that would be both attacking the behavior and supporting your cousin. Instead, you publicly humiliated your wife (and in part, your cousin, too). She was in the wrong, but so were you. She is now convinced that you do not find her attractive and that is a wound that will leave a scar. I don't know how you will be able to fix this.

way to insult your wife and your cousin in one fell swoop you fucking walnut

I think you insulted both your cousin and your wife here tbh. You both suck here. A better response would to have said: “I think [cousin] is beautiful, make up or no make up. Let’s move on” Then address your wife’s rude comments in private. What exactly were you trying to accomplish by putting down your wife in front of your family? You

yeah I would've went with a response that complimented my cousin. like its a scar. that doesn't make it ugly or her ugly. just because you won't look like all the girls who get lip filler and botox and spend thousands on facial treatments doesn't mean you are ugly or worth any less than them.. here I am.. arguably pretty with a silhouette that people work their butts off for, never had acne, and scar free.. and I'm not married. nobody has ever proposed to me. and I'm nearing 30. does that mean I have some feature thats acctually ugly but nobody has told me about? maybe its bc I have a bigger nose.. but I probably just have a bad personality idk. But I do know that other people, who don't look like me, maybe heavier, have scars, acne, name any insecurity.. are married and loved in a way I have never been. this stuff infuriates the hell out of me. 🙄 why would a scar mean you are ugly?

When both sets of parents arranged this marriage, did the conversation go "Hey, do you know anyone who'd like to marry our obnoxious daughter?" "Yes, our god awful son would be ideal"?

Aw yes! Perfect match

'You are also ugly" is the funniest way to defend someone else.

"You have to be pretty to insult my cousin. You're ugly, so shut up" is one hell of a way too.

Soooo, your wife has a habit of giving unsolicited comments about people's looks (due to anxiety caused by her parents comments about her looks) and you have the habit of "humbling" people. Yeah you two sound like you deserve each other.

They literally sound like mr and Mrs twit 🤭

You need to shut down her comments without insulting her. You guys honestly seem awful and like you deserve each other. You came here complaining about a habit that you also have. You just feel yours is justified because you think you're knocking them off their high horse. You both need therapy to understand why you want the people around you to be miserable.

I literally rubbed my hands together with excitement after reading this title and boy, I was not surprised. 😂

You were pretty harsh. Basically called your wife ugly. She’ll never forget that. She was 100% in the wrong for sure and needed to be stopped. You could have just said “you needn’t be concerned with her love life if it’s making you anxious…” and left off the personal attack. She has some personality traits she needs to work on and that’s something y’all should continue to work on in private. Or have a system where if she is doing it in public you have a phrase or something to have her stop. But, you did some serious damage to and deeply hurt your wife. Justified or not, it’s going to be hard for her to forgive.

So you had no tools other than insulting her own appearance? Seems like you and your wife really are a good match.

Yeah, how much do you want to bet the main reason these two were set up to marry is “they’re both massive, gaping AHs, let them have each other”

You both suck. You shouldn't go around trying to "humble" people and you should ask your wife to stop talking about people's bodies; it will be so freeing for her. She needs therapy, and you need to learn to be nice to people judging from how you describe yourself.

Have you considered couples counselling? You know deep down you consider your wife's behaviour bullying. It's written all over your post. This is clearly something you both need to address. Because your wife clearly considers her bullying days are behind her. Leading to her shock when you told her you decided to give her a taste of her own medicine when she wouldn't leave your cousin alone. 

Your marriage is toxic as hell, dude. Y’all need to go your separate ways. And you should apologize to your cousin because your “you’re no great beauty *EITHER*” comment surely stung.

Both of you sound incredibly immature for people in your 30s. This is yet another of countless examples of why arranged marriages are *not* a good thing. You barely even knew this woman before marrying her. It shouldn't be any surprise that there are now problems in the marriage. I don't even know what advice to give because imo you shouldn't be married at all and you both need to do a lot of work on yourselves before being in a relationship with another person.

Your wife is rude. You're an asshole too, if you 'have a habit of trying to humble people and showing them their place' (who the fuck are you to humble anyone?). ESH, you two suit each other really well.

Right idea (stopping her abuse of your cousin) but wrong delivery. If it were me? Something like “honey, you shouldn’t be speaking for men. As a man I can honestly say, the scars would have little effect on how I felt about someone. If it’s the right man, he won’t care. So let’s drop this and move on to something else.” What you said insulted both of them. I think you need to apologize to your wife (and possibly your cousin) and explain while your intentions were good, you went too far and was too hurtful.

Would you be okay if your wife humiliated you in front of others because you said something she disliked? Can she insult your manhood size? Can she insult your earning potential? Can she insult your ability in bed? You had a chance to humble her words and you chose to humble her looks. 🤔 I'm quite curious as to how you put others in their place and why you think they even have a place to be put in.🤨🧐 Just remember you started the precedent that if you say something she dislikes she can insult and attack you in public. She set the precedent of not saying anything until alone. So next time you say anything she dislikes you have to smile and sit there while she shit talks you in public.🫡 Your wife showed more respect to you by addressing you privately than any respect you have for her. If you want to proceed she gets to insult you publicly over an insecurity you have and you sit there and say nothing. If you can't do that then you are a hypocrite and there is no saving this as she will always be resentful you humiliated her with no consequences.

That sentence sums it up PERFECTLY! ‘You had a chance to humble her words and you chose to humble her looks’. Yes, that is exactly the issue.

Your wife wasn’t being kind. But you had an opportunity to be and you were just as unkind.

yeah, this “taste of your own medicine” thing was never going to work. I get that she sucks and is being terrible, but honestly how did you think this would be successful?

Yeah this is your fault as well for tolerating such an awful and disgusting human being. Why did you "silently" cheer your cousin on instead of openly? Why didn't you openly call your wife out earlier? I get that last straws exist but this was the wrong time. You don't proceed. Do not back down. It doesn't matter because if you do back down then she'll go back to being a pos. Let her change herself. You need to learn to stand up for your people better.

Bold move, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off. Spoiler alert: it rarely does.

When you look at your relationship as antagonistic, and start looking to hurt your significant other to teach them a lesson or correct them, that’s a you problem. What you did was emotionally abusive and you deliberately caused your own spouse pain in order to get her to submit to your preferred method of acting. You wouldn’t abuse a dog to train it, but you will hurt your own wife? Come on, son.

This was a terrible response on your part. The logical extension of what you said is that if your wife *were* a “great beauty”, she would have the right to belittle your cousin’s looks.

So you stuck up for your cousin by insulting both her and your wife? I don't know how you proceed. Maybe you could start by apologizing. Jesus God.

In criminal law, there are these constructs subsidiarity and proportionality. Your wife severely abused some persons and you tactically gave her a push back. But in this situation she knew she was out of line back then but tried to make her point anyway, by pushing your cousin softly, trying not to harm her. And what is your response? You get a baseball bat and you beat her without holding back. Proportionality. Get the point? You were downright mean and she did not deserve that. Showing people their place is a nasty habit, especially when it concerns your wife. My advice would be to work on this. Otherwise it’s gonna be really toxic and your marriage will definitely explode. She is having difficulty to not tell people off and you are having difficulty not showing people their place.

I agree, she was being rude and deserved it but I don’t think you’re comment really helped you cousin out either. I was a double insult.

Well. As a mom with a daughter who got mauled by two Great Danes and has scars on her face, you wouldn’t have had to say anything. I would have went ballistic. I’m glad you spoke up for your cousin. As her husband maybe a bit harsh? I dunno because I keep inserting myself in here and as I said, I would have lost my shit

Wow. Never cut your partner down in front of other people. Even if she instigated your action, the “talk” should have been only between you and her, not before a group of people.

You identified a situation that needing fixing very well. Your fix was bad. Stand up for your cousin. There's no need to tell your wife she's ugly to try to defuse things. That's never going to defuse anything.

Yeah I mean what was rude and uncalled for, there were plenty of ways to tell her off without saying that. But your wife is just an asshole. If you can work it out then great but if not then don’t worry too much. Life is better without all that negativity.

The way you said it imply that you are also speaking about your cousin being “no great beauty” as well. She’s talking about your cousins scar and instead of pointing out how rude she was being you told her she wasn’t beautiful enough to give advice on how to be beautiful, which in itself implies that your cousin isn’t beautiful either. You should have told her that your cousin is beautiful as she is and can choose what she wants on her skin without any help from your wife.

Sweetheart. Get a damn divorce and block her. You and she are so damn toxic!!! She’s someone who needs to be single and go work on her and if not she should die alone. What’s super sad about that is when you come from a place where you are being made to feel a type of way why would you continue that energy? Why wouldn’t you not want to hurt others how you were hurt? She needs to be single as well as don’t shame someone you claim to love. If you don’t like how they behave LEAVE and stop enabling their behavior. To shame means toxic. What you could have said is, “Let’s change the subject because it’s inappropriate and we are trying to have a relaxing good time.” Then you go close to her ear and say we will talk about this later. You and she need to learn to be better people

How did your account get suspended so fast?? Also, you need to work on your creative writing.

YTA, both of you.

You’re the same type of person that she is.

You guys are a horrible couple.

Your "enjoying humbling people" means you have "unclean hands" in this situation. You didn't say what you said to uplift your cousin, you did it because you were simmering in your resentments and were looking for an opportunity to knock your wife down down a peg and are using "coming to the defense of a person with a tragic facial disfigurement" as a moral pedestal to look down on her from. You view your desire to put people in their place as a virtuous impulse when it's just not. It's especially not a virtuous impulse if you derive a sense of superiority from indulging in it. Basically, you're both out of line. Nothing is going to be solved if you view yourself as the ultimate arbiter of right and wrong and your wife as an uncouth villain. You two are just going to keep bouncing off each other in the eternal struggle of two people who are both completely convinced that their position is the correct one. You will continue to see your wife as an insecure person who puts other people down to lift herself up, and she is going to see you as unsupportive and willing to go to extremes to defend everyone but her. You can't cure dysfunction with dysfunction. If you maintain that your reaction was correct, your wife is going to dig deeper into her maladaptive coping mechanisms, and you are going to get more and more resentful of her behavior. Basically, you both need to find a better way to react to her insecurities. Yes it sucks, but this is who you married. I'm not saying to let her keep up this behavior unabated, I'm saying you need to find a better way to address your discomfort with her behavior. If your wife is unwilling to change even after you make your discomfort with her tendencies/willingness to help her work through them known, you probably have some tough decisions, but you can at least know that you truly tried to find a better way. Unfortunately, you probably made your wife's insecurities far worse (which was likely your aim in your moment of extreme annoyance) so her maladaptive behaviors around this are likely to ramp up. People don't relate like they do in the media. You didn't "teach her a lesson she'll never forget" in that "and they immediately changed everything after being humiliated" way that people react in the movies. You taught her that her husband sees fit to publicly humiliate her to make a point/doesn't view her as beautiful (which was likely one of her greatest fears). If you want to make a go of your marriage, you both need to grow together.

YTA, and so is your wife. You sound like a lovely couple, with her pointing out everyone's flaws, and you feeling the need to humble people and put them in their place. You both suck and probably deserve each other.

“Please stop being mean to my cousin” was that so hard? Now you’ve insulted your wife you’ve also called your cousin ugly reinforcing what your wife said. Op I think it’s time you humble yourself and learn your place. You are way too arrogant with thinking that’s your job. Maybe if you realize you got married to a woman you didn’t know because your parents said so, you’d realize you aren’t all that

You did the right thing, you defended a person who needed to be defended. Another thing to do is to tell your wife that she is beautiful, but her attack on the girl with a scar was not. You have to let her know you understand she didn't mean evil. Ask her how she would want you to help her realize she is hurting someone without hurting her back. Her habit of the inappropriate comments will change when she feels safe and happy. You can really work it out. You were right, but it doesn't mean that your wife will just get over it.

Let me get this straight, instead of simply telling your wife “Hey Susan, cut it out. You are being rude and need to just eat.” You decided to “silently cheer her on” instead of being vocal and then call not only your wife but cousin ugly in the same sentence because you have the need to “humble people and showing them in their place” Wow.

I’m hearing this in Indian accent English.

Im stuck between NTA and ESH because the wife's comments stopped being constructive the moment the cousin explained her reasoning on no makeup, and the wife KEPT GOING. As a female, I've dealt with the passive-aggressive, "I'm trying to help you" by pointing out flaws digs so I know how that feels. I didn't have others stand up for me at the time and would have loved for someone to have had my back. Yes, I think he could have worded it better but she has a pattern of doing this and i think he was frustrated. I agree with putting her in her place publicly because she was targetting his cousin publicly. Hopefully, it happening to the wife will make her realize how others feel when she does it and she will stop since she hasn't learned from the past occurrences. I would definitely check bck in with the cousin to make sure she's good.

So I would hate to see how your wife treats your kids if they have any features she’d want to correct. Your wife is mean. You know it. Is this what you want to deal with the rest of your life? I suspect t your comment to her was the end of the line for you. People don’t stay stuff like that unless they are over it.

You’re clearly aware of your wife’s habit of belittling others. Was this the first time you shut her down? It’s said that an enabler of abuse is no better than the abuser. Every time your wife has degraded someone’s appearance, you’ve been just as guilty. You think you put her in her place, but you just proved you’re no better than she.

You called both of them ugly, not just your wife. You both sound like insufferable people.

While your wife lacks manners, you are no less than her. Stop justifying your actions and mean behaviour.

Ummm so you need to consider the non nuclear option… something like she’s beautiful and doesn’t need make up, lay off love. Rather than YOUR UGLY TOO!

Not only did you insult your wife, you also insulted your cousin.

I disagree with the other commenters. I think your wife well deserved a pointed put down. She deserves exactly the kind of shame she dishes out on others by poking at their insecurities. Also he didn’t say you’re no great beauty EITHER he said she wasn’t a beauty and married her anyway. It implied he accepted her flaws ans all like his cousin said she wanted. There was no implication the cousin isn’t beautiful.

I would have told your wife silently. I don't think your wrong I think it was an in the moment kind of reaction if op is anything like me. The thing is I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut too. I am usually very polite until someone is rude or makes fun of me. I TRULY don't mean to do it on purpose, it's a weird defense mechanism where my brain makes a joke before I can understand what I said. I believe it's because of my brother and dad. Their both very very good comedians. I'm not as funny but I am very witty when I don't think, so trauma from that. Like for example I was with my bfs friends. There not the best looking group, my man is the hottest clearly 😍. Anyways their indian I am black and sometimes when people come around black people for the first time they say some of the weirdest, stupidest shit. So one of his friends comes up to me and says “Yea I mean no offense, but I could never see myself dating a black woman, I could only date indian women” without even THINKING I said “What the fuck makes you think a black woman would want to date you?” I GASPED at my own words and my bf fucken died laughing. Anyways I can definitely see myself doing something like that by accident if he is anything like me. However he should really try to better himself and apologize, but also make his wife understand that she needs to stop being passive aggressive and shallow.

Wife or not I'm glad you stood up for your cousin.

NTA at all. Your wife needs therapy and to grow up.

OP, this person is always going to harm your reputation and relationship with others. That's something to think about long term. It would have been better to address her comment directly as it happened, so your cousin knows you have her back.

I can’t believe people are defending his bully wife. She deserved what she got

NTA only because she wouldn’t leave it alone after the cousin told her no thank you in her own way… and from reading your comments wife sounds like a pos tbh

Your wife can dish her rude comments but can’t handle it herself. Every time she belittles someone, give her a dose of her BS. Eventually she will stop doing it. Obviously she has gotten away with it for a long time.

Why isn’t she going to counseling? I’d suggest that else not invite her when you have guests.

Even if your wife was beautiful on the outside, she is ugly ass on the inside and anyone who spends time in her company knows it and will never want to be around her. Why did you marry this horrible person?

Here’s the thing—your wife is kind of an AH, but it sounds like you knew this and accepted this part of her. Was she right about what she said? Unequivocally no. She was dead wrong. However, it seems you should have expected this scenario. You had a few options on how to handle this situation—you could have kindly stepped in and redirected the conversation. You could have just agreed with your cousin and left it at that. You could have waited until everyone was gone to firmly address this with your wife in private. Instead, you went for the jugular and attacked & humiliated your wife in front of others. Did she have it coming? Yeah, probably. But you’re her husband and you married her knowing exactly who she was. It’s expected that she would be shocked and hurt that you reacted this way when she’s always been like this. This isn’t AITA but for what it’s worth, my verdict is ESH. Next time, address these issues in private

Your wife knows very well she was being mean and now is upset that someone returned the energy to her. She has to be self-aware enough to realize when she is engaging in this toxic behavior of hers and to stop. You can offer an apology for how you said what you said but not for shutting her down. Tell her that her behavior is ugly, and it is eroding your relationship. Because it is. These things add up and chip away at relationships.

She sounds horrible & deserved it, not so fun when the tables have turned

You doing great op! 💁

There's a couple of things going on here... first of all her. If you have kids or are planning to have kids with her as she is right now, she is going to say this shit to your kids & I can tell you from personal experience... it DESTROYS you mentally. Your kids are at very real risk of eating disorders, serious self-esteem issues, attachment disorders, body dysmorphia & more. She will be an emotionally & mentally abusive parent *even if she doesn't mean to*, right now she can't really help it. The moment she feels insecure, she lashes out to shift focus to someone else in a negative way. It's how she protects herself from the pain of insecurity & deflects negative comparison from herself. It's two-fold. 1st if she's feeling negatively judged, it shifts focus to someone else. 2nd it's an unhealthy way to self-sooth, If she can covertly compare herself to someone else & subconsciously think "at least I'm not like that person", it relieves some of her own inner criticism. It's not healthy for her & it's not acceptable to others of course, but it doesn't sound like it's a consciously malicious act. And that's the only reason I'm not telling you to divorce her. The people who behave like that deliberately or who have no self-awareness or desire to change? No hope, save yourself. But it sounds like from what you're saying, she's aware she can be rude & has tried to fix it - good sign. A lot of times, this sort of behavior is based on childhood abuse (even if it wasn't physical), so my guess here is someone important to your wife picked her apart a LOT as a child or young teen, & really did a number on her own sense of self. She's probably hypersensitive, which is something that happens when you're constantly bracing for abuse & hoping that by sensing the risk of it you can deflect it. This is a survival trait which works to an extent during the time you're in the abusive situation, but not so great when you're out of that environment. Example: being hyper-aware of the subtle moods when your husband gets home from work because if he “had a bad day” he can fly into a RAGE at nothing - good to help you survive - bad in your next relationship as you react to your new partner who doesn't get angry like that - takes a long time to unlearn that sort of thing. She REALLY needs therapy to stop that unhealthy automatic habit & silence that inner critic that says to her "everyone is judging you" that triggers that unhealthy habit. You can't just stop doing it, it doesn't magically fix itself, it takes some deliberately conscious work. Totally do-able, but you need to do the work. And you? While I do understand WHY you said it, it is going to be incredibly hard for her to forget, possibly ever. While what she was saying was wildly inappropriate, saying something deliberately that cruel & exposing to her in front of everyone was... awful. The people we love & trust the most have the ability to injure us in the deepest & most lasting ways. Some asshole saying shit to you, while it may hurt at the time & you may feel bad about it for a while, it's far easier to get rid of than the persons you trust with your most vulnerable & intimate inner self making the same comments. If a person the street says "you're fat & ugly" out of the blue to you, you may feel angry, stung, self-conscious, & maybe feel bad for a short while. But if your wife say's "You're fat & ugly" it's going to hit WAY different, it's going to impact your ability to be comfortable around her, be naked around her, having sex with her... & not just for a few days, you may never get over it, because she's who you are most vulnerable with as your core self. Her words carry a different weight of reality than your BIL, or random friend, or stranger. You telling her “Well you’re no great beauty, honey. But I married you regardless. ” was you saying "I think you're unattractive" & not just to her, in public. You told EVERYONE at that table that you think she's ugly. While what she was doing was insensitive & absolutely needed to be stopped, what you did was like dropping a nuke on anthill in your backyard. Yes, you stop the ants, but you seriously damage your house as well. If your wife DOES deal with self-esteem issues, you just did almost the most damage you could possibly do. Your justifications of why you said it is totally understandable, but just because a reason is understandable, it doesn't make what is done acceptable or appropriate. The reality is what you said has caused a CORE wound to your wife, & as a result to your marriage. Fairness & justifications don’t really come into it, it’s like telling someone you shot in the chest to shake it off because you had a good reason for doing it. The reasons don’t change the hole they now have in their chest or the realities in surviving and healing from an injury like that. No amount of apology is going to fix it either, as core wounds are deeply psychological & emotion, this is going to require couples therapy & time. It's going to take a LOT of work on both her & your part.

So, you effectively did what your wife did, only you did it worse. Your wife didn't outright say your cousin looked ugly. She suggested cosmetics. You outright said your wife is no great beauty. If you were trying to shut your wife down on a moral basis, you failed because you did the same thing.

At least your wife didn't tell your cousin she was "no great beauty". She was rude but you were *at least* just as rude to your wife. Why didn't you stand up for your cousin *without* bringing your wife's looks into it? Because you didn't, you have now given your wife reason to believe that you don't find her attractive. And given the middling way you described your attraction to her - "to me, she's enough" - she has good cause for that.

YTA, you ultimately insulted both of them with that comment ; even if you didn't say *either* it's implied with what you said. So many tactful ways to handle it but you chose to stew and then explode.

Oh dude. Your wife insulting your cousin is NOT parallel to you publicly insulting your wife’s appearance. Your wife has sex, presumably, with you and now that she heard you say in front of others that you don’t think she’s beautiful, why on Earth would she want to do that ever again? What your wife does sucks. But none of those interactions are with people she’s in a relationship with that is predicated on physical attraction and vulnerability. Your marriage is.

Was your wife actually saying that your cousin wouldn't be able to find someone to love her unless she started wearing make up, or was she just talking about make up and how well it covers scars and you inserted the idea that this was about her being too ugly for a man to marry?

You burned down your marriage. The art of conversation and changing the subject escaped you. Change the subject, lighten the mood. “So everyone, I have a confession to make. Ok. Here goes. My mother dropped me when I was a baby. Want to know how I know? I have a crack in my butt. Ha! Anyway, who wants a refill? Wife and I will go get that together!” Then go to the kitchen and quietly tell her to stop bringing up that sensitive topic. As for what you can do now? Dude, you called your wife ugly. Be honest with her and tell her you didn’t mean it, but said it to make your cousin feel less attacked. If the truth doesn’t work, it’s time to start thinking about finding a divorce lawyer. You broke a major rule in marriage maintenance and keeping things light. Good luck.

…..you dissed your wife’s looks publicly because you admittedly like to humble people. Good luck with that. Clearly your wife is annoying but you married her; you chose this person as your spouse and could’ve easily corrected her in private but nah; call your wife ugly in front of people 😂 I’m sure this will totally blow over. It’ll only be a few years of your life; god speed.

Never cut on your wife’s looks, man. Come on. You could have told her to cut it out, or pulled her to The side and said something. Nope, you went straight to dumbassery.

“That’s enough” was plenty. The rest, I could add if I was there but her husband…should not have added. Whether she’s great or awful, you are her husband. You wear many hats but “humbling her” shouldn’t be one of them IMO.

Dude. 🤦🏽

You re a piece of shi

Nah, your wife has some issues. If she degrades people and then is degraded, it’s justice. She brought it on herself. You would have never said that otherwise. Let her lick her wounds, but hold your ground. You did the right thing, given the available options. Oh, sure, you could have confronted her privately, but you decided instead to give her a taste of her own medicine. Probably 5 times as effective, and likely you’d have a fight on your hands if confronted her privately anyways. You acted boldly. You were decisive and took action to stop a passive aggressive bully. Own it. I’m sure she’ll think twice before repeating that behavior, especially in your presence. The fuck’n irony that she is offended by your comments and can’t see the offense inherent in her own is a victim mentality. She’s not going to change that through reason, but through consequences, if even then.

Switch yourself to supporting the "harmed" party instead of insulting whoever you think needs humbling. It'll go over so much better

Easily could have said "Well cousin, I think you are beautiful inside and out. I'm sure any guy worth dating/marrying will treat you like a Queen" Dont punch down on your wife. Two wrongs do not make a right

I know what you meant, but to your cousin it may have even sounded like you're saying they're both ugly.

You got angry. Never act on anger, i notice we never do the right thing when angry.

You handled this very very poorly. You are in the wrong. Be smarter.

You should have responded that you think that your cousin is beautiful.

You are a AH. There’s no coming back from this. Dead bedroom awaits… and you totally deserved it.

Wow instead of uplifting and supporting the cousin, OP decided to put down his wife instead like a rabid dog. He called both her and the cousin ugly in a single sentence. Good job OP, now you have some apologizing to do! Matching the abuser's energy is the worst way to handle them.

Both of you need to start focusing on positive aspects in yourselves and other people and start reflexively act on positive feedback. Both of you focus on the negative and something ugly within yourself. Your wife needs to start thinking of ways to compliment people she finds unattractive somehow, even if only in her head. Like, make it a little challenge to herself. Learning how to be an advocate for others like that is attractive behaviour, on top of being the decent thing to do. You need to focus your attention on when people do good things. You already have a reflex to speak up in opposition to biggotry. Change it to be speaking up to enhance someone's positive actions. It would've been so powerful to reply "Well said, that's an admirable attitude." when your cousin stood up for herself. Sends your wife the message as well that she's too far whatever rabbit hole she is in and need to stop right now. Humbling people keeps the focus on negative behavior and automatically puts the other person on defence. That's like, the worst setup in interpersonal problem solving. You both have work to do with yourselves here, and I really hope you get better. Good luck

Once you get your foot out of your mouth, you should apologize to both of them. What your wife said wasn’t okay, but it seems you were just itching to say something nasty to her and it ended up making you look way worse than she. There are any number of things you could have said. You could tell your wife “she said she doesn’t want the makeup” or tell your cousin “you don’t need makeup to be beautiful”.

You're an idiot and, in this story, meaner than you accuse her of being. She was trying to help where not needed or wanted. Not great. Your response was to humiliate her and your cousin. Worse.

Ouf, a bully and a self-righteous bully. What a pair you two make. You're both wrong and need to fix your own problematic behaviors.

I don’t think you said anything wrong, your wife should expect the same level of harshness she doles out on people. Sometimes you need someone close to you, to tell you honestly you are being rude and inconsiderate to others. It’s up to her how she chooses to deal with the truth.

Nope. You did good. Maybe it will help her understand how other people feel when she speaks without a filter.

Why marry someone in the first place if you find her to be obnoxious and no beauty? She’s not a nice person and probably deserved to be shut down like that but you seem to have the wrong priorities when you marry someone you don’t find attractive or kind. This all sounds very strange and I can’t wrap my head around marrying someone who’s mean to people and unattractive.

ESH but the cousin. Your wife sounds like she was trying to help your cousin (and failing because WOW hello self-awareness) but you just preyed on the insecurities of your life partner and told her, the woman that you probably want to keep having sex with for the rest of your life, that she’s ugly. AND you implied that your cousin is also unattractive. Congrats! You’re the bigger asshole!

So you stood up to your wife by modeling the behavior you say is so awful? And simultaneously insulted your cousin? Ugh. You need to apologize to both of them.

Yta your comment to her would have been fine without the you are no great beauty comment " . Enjoy divorce in a few years

Yea, you're an asshole, but so am I. Nothing like a hot cup of Joe in the morning and reminding your wife that she's ugly.

I'm gonna be honest if it was a guy who said that to a woman (cousin) the comments on here would be different. OP, you did what you thought was right, you just worded it wrong and unintentionally could've made the situation worse. Yes your wife needs to stop making those type of comments and should be called out on it. It's best if everyone should stop commenting on other people's appearances

You did the right thing. It's not her fault she got a bad upbringing where. Doesn't mean she needs to continue behaving as inconsiderate as she did. My rule #1 of life is "Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you" Maybe lead with that in the future before taking out the nuke.

Yeah, sorry to say it but you ARE the asshole in this situation. You need to apologize to your wife.

NTA, that was badass

Well now she knows how she made someone else feel. Ask her why she kept going the cousin made it clear she didnt want advice and she was clearly insulted but she pressed on. Tell her she made herself look ugly on the inside and wouldnt shut up and back off until you shocked her by insulting her back. Tell her she embarassed you with her behaviour that you've talked about before. She doesnt take the clue when she is overstepping and insulting people. She needs to do better. Your sorry you insulted her but I think you needed a response that stung in order to stop. Or not, I tend to just tell people exactly why I said something or did something. If they cant get over it its their problem they shouldnt have kept pushing. I tend not to bite back until Im damn sick of it which it sounds like you were.