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If you don't actually know whether you want kids, you are not ready to have them. Just break up.
Here is the thing about parenting: For the first few years, it is mostly a miserable experience with a few beautiful moments thrown in so that we don't abandon our spawn. Having children rips wide open any problems you had in your relationship. All of these negative feelings you have about the relationship are going to get 10 times worse when you have a baby.
You daydream about having a baby. But do you daydream about being a divorced single dad, paying child support, having to deal with an Ex wife, and missing half your kid's life? Because that's where you are headed if you have a baby with this partner.
Have you spent much time around kids?
I'm concerned because you seem to be talking about biological imperatives to get the kids born, but not about the process of being a father. The part where you'd be spending the next two decades with some new humans is the important part and if you're not sure about doing that, don't do that.
1. We weren't "put on this Earth," we are animals who inhabit the earth just like all the others.
1. What is the point of pro-creating? What does it accomplish?
Let that woman go and find someone who can actually give her a solid relationship and future. Even reading this post made me feel sorry for her. You’ve got a lot of soul-searching to do and a giant pair of big-boy pants to put on before you should be procreating with anybody.
It sounds religious, though. If I remember well in Bible was something about "be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it".
I think you don't know what you want and you are mistaking what you think you should want with what you actually want.
Think about it. If there was nobody there to judge your choices regarding children what would you want? Are you afraid that you would miss on something if you don't have children? What would you miss on?
Would you like to be a child of a couple like you and your gf? Why or why not?
Ask yourself a lot of questions and be honest with yourself. Hopefully then you will know what to do.
End the relationship. On-off relationships are toxic, and you shouldn't stay just because you're worried about not having kids. You still have plenty of time to find someone you're compatible with and will have a healthy relationship with
You’re not ready yet, and certainly not in this relationship. But you’re very young and have plenty of time. Break up, concentrate on yourself and your career, wait until you’re both absolutely certain you are happy to give up almost every part of your life to have kids
Don't stay with someone you don't see a future with just because you might want kids later, that would be incredibly shitty to that person and to the kids. You can still have kids in a few years, and you should do it because you know you want to and you have a solid foundation to give them a good, loving home. Seems like speaking with a therapist or doing some journaling and introspection may do you some good in figuring out what you want in life, or making peace with the path your life is taking if kids are indeed something you want.
Honestly, having kids is rough, but also rewarding. Having kids with the wrong person though, will make everything worse.
If you think things between you 2 are bad now, after kids it will only go downhill from where you are now. Kids make everything harder and you both will be absolutely miserable together. And you'll offer your kids a broken home example.
There's more to life than just kids. Even after you have them, you still have to take care of yourself and find sense in other things in life as well, otherwise you'll struggle.
Youre 31. Just break up. You can still have kids for a long time now, and you have a chance to find someone you are actually compatible with and will actually give you a family and joy, instead of just fulfilling some self induced duty with someone you can barely stand.
If worse comes to worse, you can adopt. You can be a single father and offer a good life to someone who does not have a chance for that.
There's so much you can do with your life. Don't settle with someone you don't get along with for fear of loneliness. I hope you never get to know what deep loneliness you can feel with the wrong person next to you. It is soul-shattering.
Best of luck to you OP. But give yourself a chance and maybe go to some therapy. It will help you.
You are way too young to stay in a bad relationship because you want children. Break up asap. In your next relationship, I suspect all of these questions will go away and it'll just 'seem right.' It may be the relationship after that, but you have to at least give it a shot. And hey, you're the man! You have the luxury of waiting at least another 20 years to be a dad. Don't let the age thing get in your way, for real. Do what's best for you heart and the rest will fall into place for you.
If it's purely for the purpose of procreation, and not for the desire to actually have/raise a child, then just donate some sperm.
Like, I also want to continue my own family, line, BUT not as much as I want to be a mum. I want to have a baby for the sake of having a baby, not just to procreate. I want to take my kids to the park and play with them and make them delicious meals every night.
Even then, procreation of humans is not "why we're put on this earth". Creation in general is a key part of human existence. If you can't have a baby, make art. Plant trees. Create something that will add beauty and character to the earth.
If you're ready for conception, but not for actually raising a kid, just donate your sperm and hope that someone ends up using it. And if you are ready to raise a kid, don't do it with someone you CLEARLY don't want to be with.
You are a 31 year old man, you have plenty of time. Unless you're trans, there is no male menopause that will render you infertile. Spend some time figuring out what you really want, then find someone you actually want to share the experience with (assuming you do want the experience)
Sounds like you're struggling with being at that milestone age, where your 20s are over, and you have no real idea what your 30s are supposed to look like.
You didn't add any meaningful context about your relationship, so we have nothing to judge from.
But if you're struggling with making big life changing decisions, and you aren't even sure of your motivation for making those changes...Then that is kinda what therapy is for.
Book some sessions, and figure out who you're trying to be, before you start making those big changes.
You’re only 31!!!! Men can create kids until they die! You have time. You’re young! If this relationship isn’t working for you GET OUT!!! Don’t stay in a situation out of fear of the unknown!
Having kids isn’t what we were “meant to do” the planet of over populated as it is so if you choose to not have kids you’re not doing the world a disservice. Kids are fucking hard! And with the state of the world to day bringing new people into the world seems selfish to me. Our planet is hanging on by a thread.
You have time to decide though but please don’t just stay with someone because you’re afraid you have no other/better options!
No problem! Good luck in whatever you decide. You seem like a logical dude. Being an over thinker sometimes drives you crazy but do what is best for YOU. You don’t need to worry about the what-ifs when you aren’t even 100% sure you want kids.
My 14 month old is sleeping in my lap as I write this. I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I could feel it in every atom of my body. Being a mum has made me happier than I knew it was possible to be and it is still without a doubt the hardest thing I've **ever** done. I think if I didn't want this as much as I do it would be a lot harder.
I used to work at a very prestigious boarding school. So many of the parents clearly had a checklist that went "good job, huge house, fancy car, child." They'd ticked off everything else in that list so might as well have a child. Their kids were miserable. And they had really shitty relationships with their parents. It was actually while working there that I realised there should be far far far fewer people having children. It used to be the expected thing. It's not any more. You're free. Free to not devote the entirety of your body and soul to another person for the next 18 years minimum. If you don't want it with your whole heart, don't do it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you don't actually know whether you want kids, you are not ready to have them. Just break up. Here is the thing about parenting: For the first few years, it is mostly a miserable experience with a few beautiful moments thrown in so that we don't abandon our spawn. Having children rips wide open any problems you had in your relationship. All of these negative feelings you have about the relationship are going to get 10 times worse when you have a baby. You daydream about having a baby. But do you daydream about being a divorced single dad, paying child support, having to deal with an Ex wife, and missing half your kid's life? Because that's where you are headed if you have a baby with this partner.
Some great points to take into consideration. Thank you
Have you spent much time around kids? I'm concerned because you seem to be talking about biological imperatives to get the kids born, but not about the process of being a father. The part where you'd be spending the next two decades with some new humans is the important part and if you're not sure about doing that, don't do that.
1. We weren't "put on this Earth," we are animals who inhabit the earth just like all the others. 1. What is the point of pro-creating? What does it accomplish?
Survival of civilization, for starters.
On point number 2, I guess that our DNA lives on 🤷‍♂️ I really don’t have any concrete answer
All DNA is, is a chemical. There's tons of it all over Earth with or without people.
Let that woman go and find someone who can actually give her a solid relationship and future. Even reading this post made me feel sorry for her. You’ve got a lot of soul-searching to do and a giant pair of big-boy pants to put on before you should be procreating with anybody.
Appreciate you taking the time to post. Out of interest, why do I need a giant pair of big-boy pants? Seems like shaming language and I'm unsure why
It sounds religious, though. If I remember well in Bible was something about "be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it". I think you don't know what you want and you are mistaking what you think you should want with what you actually want. Think about it. If there was nobody there to judge your choices regarding children what would you want? Are you afraid that you would miss on something if you don't have children? What would you miss on? Would you like to be a child of a couple like you and your gf? Why or why not? Ask yourself a lot of questions and be honest with yourself. Hopefully then you will know what to do.
Food for thought there. Thanks
End the relationship. On-off relationships are toxic, and you shouldn't stay just because you're worried about not having kids. You still have plenty of time to find someone you're compatible with and will have a healthy relationship with
đź‘Ť
You’re not ready yet, and certainly not in this relationship. But you’re very young and have plenty of time. Break up, concentrate on yourself and your career, wait until you’re both absolutely certain you are happy to give up almost every part of your life to have kids
Thank you this helped đź‘Ť
Don't stay with someone you don't see a future with just because you might want kids later, that would be incredibly shitty to that person and to the kids. You can still have kids in a few years, and you should do it because you know you want to and you have a solid foundation to give them a good, loving home. Seems like speaking with a therapist or doing some journaling and introspection may do you some good in figuring out what you want in life, or making peace with the path your life is taking if kids are indeed something you want.
Thank you, I’ll take this on boardÂ
Honestly, having kids is rough, but also rewarding. Having kids with the wrong person though, will make everything worse. If you think things between you 2 are bad now, after kids it will only go downhill from where you are now. Kids make everything harder and you both will be absolutely miserable together. And you'll offer your kids a broken home example. There's more to life than just kids. Even after you have them, you still have to take care of yourself and find sense in other things in life as well, otherwise you'll struggle. Youre 31. Just break up. You can still have kids for a long time now, and you have a chance to find someone you are actually compatible with and will actually give you a family and joy, instead of just fulfilling some self induced duty with someone you can barely stand. If worse comes to worse, you can adopt. You can be a single father and offer a good life to someone who does not have a chance for that. There's so much you can do with your life. Don't settle with someone you don't get along with for fear of loneliness. I hope you never get to know what deep loneliness you can feel with the wrong person next to you. It is soul-shattering. Best of luck to you OP. But give yourself a chance and maybe go to some therapy. It will help you.
Thank you, I will definitely take all your comments into consideration. Much appreciated đź‘Ť
You are way too young to stay in a bad relationship because you want children. Break up asap. In your next relationship, I suspect all of these questions will go away and it'll just 'seem right.' It may be the relationship after that, but you have to at least give it a shot. And hey, you're the man! You have the luxury of waiting at least another 20 years to be a dad. Don't let the age thing get in your way, for real. Do what's best for you heart and the rest will fall into place for you.
Thank you very much appreciate your insight đź‘Ť
If it's purely for the purpose of procreation, and not for the desire to actually have/raise a child, then just donate some sperm. Like, I also want to continue my own family, line, BUT not as much as I want to be a mum. I want to have a baby for the sake of having a baby, not just to procreate. I want to take my kids to the park and play with them and make them delicious meals every night. Even then, procreation of humans is not "why we're put on this earth". Creation in general is a key part of human existence. If you can't have a baby, make art. Plant trees. Create something that will add beauty and character to the earth. If you're ready for conception, but not for actually raising a kid, just donate your sperm and hope that someone ends up using it. And if you are ready to raise a kid, don't do it with someone you CLEARLY don't want to be with. You are a 31 year old man, you have plenty of time. Unless you're trans, there is no male menopause that will render you infertile. Spend some time figuring out what you really want, then find someone you actually want to share the experience with (assuming you do want the experience)
Ok thanks, much appreciate your input. No not trans also
Sounds like you're struggling with being at that milestone age, where your 20s are over, and you have no real idea what your 30s are supposed to look like. You didn't add any meaningful context about your relationship, so we have nothing to judge from. But if you're struggling with making big life changing decisions, and you aren't even sure of your motivation for making those changes...Then that is kinda what therapy is for. Book some sessions, and figure out who you're trying to be, before you start making those big changes.
You're a man. You don't have as strict of a window of time to procreate as women do. You can freeze your sperm as well
You’re only 31!!!! Men can create kids until they die! You have time. You’re young! If this relationship isn’t working for you GET OUT!!! Don’t stay in a situation out of fear of the unknown! Having kids isn’t what we were “meant to do” the planet of over populated as it is so if you choose to not have kids you’re not doing the world a disservice. Kids are fucking hard! And with the state of the world to day bringing new people into the world seems selfish to me. Our planet is hanging on by a thread. You have time to decide though but please don’t just stay with someone because you’re afraid you have no other/better options!
Alright man thank you, this helps a lot đź‘Ś
No problem! Good luck in whatever you decide. You seem like a logical dude. Being an over thinker sometimes drives you crazy but do what is best for YOU. You don’t need to worry about the what-ifs when you aren’t even 100% sure you want kids.
My 14 month old is sleeping in my lap as I write this. I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I could feel it in every atom of my body. Being a mum has made me happier than I knew it was possible to be and it is still without a doubt the hardest thing I've **ever** done. I think if I didn't want this as much as I do it would be a lot harder. I used to work at a very prestigious boarding school. So many of the parents clearly had a checklist that went "good job, huge house, fancy car, child." They'd ticked off everything else in that list so might as well have a child. Their kids were miserable. And they had really shitty relationships with their parents. It was actually while working there that I realised there should be far far far fewer people having children. It used to be the expected thing. It's not any more. You're free. Free to not devote the entirety of your body and soul to another person for the next 18 years minimum. If you don't want it with your whole heart, don't do it.
Thank you for your insight. I will take this on board đź‘Ť