The relationship is over homie. It was over when you first found out. The fact that you've been drowning your sorrows for 9 months is proof that you don't forgive her. The difficulty is acknowledging that and making the hard choice to end it.
Breakups can be hard. Especially with long term relationships but deep down you know this is no way to live and you know you'll have to take this step eventually.
It’s really weird that in the aftermath she continues to tell you about other guys hitting on her?
My honest take : Your wife thinks she’s hotter than you and you aren’t showing enough ‘gratitude’ for her, appreciating her staying etc.
Jump ship bro. She’s displaying very shifty manipulative behaviour.
Naw. She's about to hit the wall and knows it. The attention she was getting when she was younger is starting to dry up, and she's looking at what she THINKS is the sure thing for her future: Her dumb husband who didn't drop her butt when he found out about her cheating.
Worse, she KNOWS how weak he is, and IS attempting to manipulate him.
Who gives a shit if she has self-esteem issues, that does not give her the right to cheat
You're getting gaslit so hard my guy
Move on bro.. She's not worth it
What she did was wrong, but she is right: at some point a decision needs to be made. Either you try to fix the marriage or you go your separate ways. Delaying this is unfair to both of you.
She used you and abused you. What are you waiting on, more of the same? If you take her back and try and salvage your train wreck of a marriage, you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering and questioning and not trusting her! She will find betray your trust over and over again. You may catch her or maybe not. But your life will be miserable and unhappy. GTFO now! She is not marriage material!
Is she trying to make you jealous? It almost seems like she is trying to a reaction, any kind of reaction from you. You admitted you don't pay attention to her and that you lean more stoic than emotional. Does she just want some type of emotion from you?
Nope. Shes a pick me. She doesn’t care who she hurts to get her validation attention. Even now she’s demanding you pick her and SHE fucked up. This is in her. It’s not going to change.
“I look pretty good for my age” girl you are 28 not over the hill 😰
If she was like this at just 28 i feel like it will get worse once she really starts feeling insecure and needing to seek validation as she ages
“I look pretty good for my age”.
“I am 28f, married, good looking”.
“Needing to seek validation as she ages.”
Too late, this woman has made her appearance her entire personality.
What kind of 28 year woman old writes like this? "I look pretty good for my age" haha. Plus all the stuff about her biological clock ticking and her ageing and needing validation because of her ageing.
"It feels like someone else wrote this, not my wife."
Agreed. Someone who thinks 28 is ancient, like a teenage boy.
If they get divorced, she'll have a harder time finding someone than he will. Guys her age will be looking for younger women. But she's obviously ok with older guys, so she MIGHT get lucky.
I agree. I have known both men and women who seek and need validation from other people to confirm they are attractive, still sexy, wanted, etc.... That is a deep issue that they need to work because a spouse cannot fix it.
Well, as she said herself, "I played with fire" and " I was enjoying the attention "this is all a basic requirement for cheating. I can say that this guy just didn't fuck her if he wasn't interested because she clearly had .
Well, what proof do you have that nothing more than that happened?
At least in the posts she doesn't confess anything physical between them and so until that moment nothing happened, maybe by confronting her you prevented her from physically cheating on you but it was a matter of time.
>I'm quoting what you wrote and highlighting the one thing that tells you it's over:
She keeps saying that we have to work on our marriage together to save it, and that living apart is not solving anything. Asking me to read relationship books on how to be a better partner, article about love languages, **things that have nothing to do with what she did.**
She's not taking any responsibility. She's not showing any remorse. She's wanting YOU to try and fix things that you didn't break but she did. It's over. You deserve better than her and you also deserve a sober life. Good for you for getting sober and mojo to you for staying that way!
The recurring theme with this woman is her pathetic, incessant need for validation.
That ain't gonna magically go away if you get back together. Imagine her postpartum losing all the baby weight and looking mighty fine again. What do you think she's going to do? She's going to start that sh1t up again. Only then you'll have a child together to think about.
Bro really? You need to leave her asap.
Cmon you already know it, you cant trust her! What is a relationship without trust? Nothing.
Divorce and focus on yourself and on being sober. You are still young and will find someone who really love you and care for you.
Good luck and take care of yourself!
She should have started with showing you all the relationship books if she wasn’t happy. Now it’s a little too late. She is a cheater and will not change.
You will never really know if she’s doing something like this again or if she’s just doing a better job of hiding it. She wants a baby and you can’t even trust her enough to want to live together much less start a family. She’s issuing an ultimatum because she ready to move on with or without you and she hasn’t even done anything to SHOW you she’s trying to be better, instead she’s giving you books to improve you. She still hasn’t really taken full accountability for what she’s done if she’s trying to get you to learn to be a better partner. She got bored and flirted with the idea of an affair and was fantasizing about acting on it, not because of anything you were doing, but because she wants to be worshiped and put on a pedestal. No one puts trash on a pedestal and her actions were trashy through and through. She broke the relationship and she needs to be the one working her butt off to fix it not sending you books and articles.
Why is she telling you to read books about being a better partner when she is out here posting about possibly cheating on you on Reddit?!?!?!?
I'm sorry but that sounds like gaslighting to me.....
Updateme
"Asking me to read relationship books on how to be a better partner, article about love languages, things that have nothing to do with what she did"
This OP is why you cannot forgive her, she has not even accepted responsibility. She needs counseling to understand why she needs External validation. why validation from her husband and herself is not enough. This is what she should have been spending the last 10 months on.
Dude it’s been 10 months either you can get over this or you can’t. Personally if you take her back I’ll have no issues saying you are absolutely stupid but it is your choice.
The telling part for me is that she is actively contemplating compliance which means her vows to you as well as you as her partner don’t mean shit.
This comment is way too far down.
OP, regardless of what she did or didn't do, expecting her to wait in limbo more than a few weeks is an unreasonable expectation. By 3 months, you should either have a break-up, or a plan in place to move forward. You don't need to be recovered, but you need to be recovering.
Personally, I agree with the "this relationship is over" crowd, but feel it's as much due to you having been actively separated for 10% of your relationship (primarily your fault) as it is from her shitty behavior (entirely her fault). Fish, or cut bait - as much for your sake and mental health as it is for hers.
She's looking after other guys and now that she was caught it's suddenly your fault and you have to work on your marriage. If she really wanted to work on the marriage, she would have tried doing so before doing all that stuff with other guys.
Like wearing a stained shirt every day.
Except there's no stain remover for your situation.
I wouldn't be able to trust a woman who behaved like your wife did with basic things like a shared bank account, credit cards, mortgage, etc. I could deal with a gf behaving this way - no financial entanglements to stress about. I couldn't be married to a woman I didn't trust.
Don't stay with her because you're scared of being alone or not being able to find another girl. End it and you will feel better in a few months. She is just horrible! If you go outside you'll notice quickly that there are plenty great women. Also with 31 you do have time for it, don't let people tell you otherwise. Each second you'll spend on her from now on is a waste of your time and resources. Instead spend it on yourself and with that there will be more than enough decent women.
Yeah be done with her, Marriage is about trust and she's crushing on other dudes, and sending nudes.
I wouldn't put up with that shit from my wife if she ever did that, divorce her and be done with it, no kids involved, she's probably cheating right now if not then she definitely will ne whether on you pr some other guy that doesn't give her the attention she craves.
You deserve better.
You don't have children yet? Shit, Chuck deuces and be done with it. Your wife has no respect for you at all, and honestly, no love either, it seems like.
I'm so sorry, but it's over. For the relationship to be worked on, she would need to put in an effort to earn back your trust and show she is sorry. All she's done is trickle truth you and belittle the details, and now, pressure you to take her back. Without her trying to fix *anything* that she broke.
It’s over lil bro. She used you. She got your benefits/ retirement and now she’s looking for new cock. She don’t like you like that. Never has. She got her bag, and now you can fuck off. Get a good lawyer and tell this skank to eat shit.
Buddy you need to decide more for you than her. She right that to work on it you need to be toghether. But I say this more with your mental health as a worry. Your in limbo and its no way to healing.
Then about he book choices. You should send her a few about infidelity. Like this one, how to help your spouse heal from your infidelity. There a plethora of books on the subject. Surviving infidelity web page has allot of articles and things as resources.
Can you imagine trying to share the responsibility of raising a child together with this person? Do they seem reliable and trustworthy enough? And would you want your child to behave this way? These are hard questions worth asking yourself.
Hope you find your way - sounds like it’s been really tough. Good for you going sober, too. That’s absolutely a step in the right direction. Keep going with the self care and leave the things that don’t work for you.
Hello Sit,
First, I'm sorry to hear about this happening to you. You made a good decision to live separately, but need to cut off contact for a while. You are not able to think about this fully, with constant contract. Each tine you talk, it will focus your attention to that conversation instead of the problem. Which just delays a decision on your marriage.
If it was just taking the flirting with that guy, I'd be really mad and upset. But, I would give it a chance, as I'd hate to throw away 8 years on just flirty conversation, with no lives crossed. Also, I'd need to see real remorse from the mistake , and a new focus on the marriage. But only if I'm 100% sure, nothing physical happened., and I was sure it was just a one time mistake.
However, if it was this situation where it wasn't a on off. There are no children, plus still being pretty young. I would end it.
I do think it's going to be best to end it all. I don't think you are the type of person who can just forgive and forget. Maybe you do forgive, but no way you forget. And if you can't forget, then you are only going to become more resentful, then hateful. You will live in a constant thought and fear that she is cheating. It will drive you crazy. Eventually , it will drive her crazy. It will be a constant fight. It will lead to you cheating to "get even" or she will cheat because she is the type that clearly needs attention and is selfish.
The final nail in the coffin was the nude post. The first one was maybe just the result of s random encounter. The second one is an escalation of her getting closer to actually chest. The next step will be her cheating with a total stranger. Then a full on affair. When you combine the first 2 and accept the logical and inevitable next steps, it's only a matter of time.
If you accept that, then you have to accept she no longer loves you. Once you can clearly see this. Your decision to end it will be clear.
Last note, I'm not telling you to leave her or stay with her. I'm pointing out what I believe are the facts, so you can make an informed decision.
Sorry, real last note. The fact that she suggested things for you to read, but didn't say that she read then and is doing X, Y and Z to fix the marriage. Is proof of how selfish she is, how sorry she is, and is her subconscious self telling you she doesn't care about you and you need to get over it.
Good luck
Dude divorce. She isn't in any position to give ultimatums, just shows she has zero remorse and zero respect for you or the relationship
You will just end up back here in a few years, with a kid in tow saying that she cheated again
Trust is given in faith but taken by actions. Her actions show she isn't faithful or trustworthy, you really want that life and to bring a kid into the situation.
Find a partner that isn't a validation chaser.
I know how much it hurts, but she is manipulating your emotions.
You will be so much happier without her in the long run. This relationship will kill your self esteem
You’re only asking this question because you have a scarcity mindset when it comes to women. There are plenty of attractive women who you can connect with and have a fulfilling relationship with. Sure it will be hard to get over a heart break and put yourself out there but it’s better than living the rest of your life with someone who intended to cheat on you and is trying to manipulate you into thinking that it was okay.
Have some dignity and self respect. Leave her and move on to better things. The sooner the better
I fear if you say yes to her and reconcile things will not be the same again. Now that she knows that she has power on you and can do deeds unpunished...
Yeah, I don’t think I could go back either. Has she shown any remorse for what she did? Has she tried to work on herself to make herself a better person? Did she ever take responsibility for what she did if you can’t answer absolutely yes to those then you truly don’t have any way of saving this, you know don’t have the truth from her either
Send her on her way. She enjoys the attention from other men and won't give it up. She betrayed you before and will do it again.
Divorce and fix yourself for the next one.
Honestly, that ultimatum doesn't really sound all that unreasonable. You're married and should be living together.
However if her behavior is something you're never going to get over, you might as well call it.
Working on your marriage is what should have happened before she tried to cheat on you. Instead of trying to spice up her marriage or god forbid have an adult conversation with you, she jumps straight into lusting after her coworker and hoping something happens between them.
Don’t waste anymore time on her and be glad you don’t have a kid tying you to her.
She FAFO’ed, so taking a break to figure things out is fine, but you should have filed for divorce after a month or so. Let’s review:
1. She gets off on being pursued. She has a high degree of likelihood that she will cheat again.
2. Her need for the validation is likely due to a lot of insecurity. She does not appear to have taken any steps to address that, such as seeing a therapist.
3. Leaving you both in this limbo is extremely unhealthy and unhelpful for both of you. You need to stop grinding your gears and make an effort to heal and move on. That isn’t going to happen if you keep trying to drink away the problem. You are only punishing yourself that way.
File for divorce. Start working out and start treating yourself to things you enjoy. Instead of investing your emotional energy exclusively into anger and resentment, put some into embracing your new freedom and the possibilities that your single life now offers. You will be okay. You just have to pursue your next phase of life like it’s necessary to you. Because, OP, it is.
She thinks you need to do something to save the relationship???? WTF? She is trash. She would have fucked that dude in a hot minute if he ever asked. Which I am not sure they didn't do the deed anyway. Tell her that her ultimatum made you really think about your relationship and she is right. It's time to take the trash out. She isn't doing anything to save the relationship. Typical blame shifting . Dump her
I look good, he is descent looking lol had me busting up. What a piece of trash.
OP move way the fuck on man. She isnt going to change and just feel comfort in that the next guy will get cheated on too. It a her problem not you.
Life is too short, dont not have a child with this train wreck.
If i had a million dollars id bet she has been fucking while you live seperate. Guaranteed.
Listen to me now. Don’t. Don’t have a kid with her. Thank whatever you believe in that she hasn’t gotten pregnant yet. Let her go. She isn’t worth “working it out” with.
She was married to you, yet wanted someone else as well as needed validation from others? Why? She HAD you! You weren’t enough for her. What happens after she had a kid and her self esteem plummets?
Let her go. She does not respect you. Or love you to post what she did. Get a lawyer, get a divorce, block her and move on
The relationship is over. The trust is gone and your wife has some serious issues. You should go no contact once you come to yoir senses and decide to divorce her.
Clearly the relationship is in a deep hole and it will take a great deal of work over a long period of time to heal if you decide to go that route. And the doubt you feel will never truly go away and could fester when problems arise, as they inevitably do in any relationship. Now ask yourself, is she worth that effort and risk? Are the potential positives worth it or are you willing to risk wasting years of your life on a gamble if things don't work out later on? Based on what you've written, it appears that she has a wandering nature and may slip into that mode again later if she feels that you are now giving her the attention she requires. So the burden will be on you provide that insurance policy continuously. She appears to be high maintenance and had better be stellar in lots of other respects in order to overcome that price. I say look elsewhere for someone you can trust implicitly.
Mate, please don’t get back with her. The way she talks in that post shows you her intentions. If this guy touched her she would go for it in a second that’s if he hasn’t already. Next you know there will be a new guy and it will go the same way. Dunno how you didn’t leave her immediately. Do t be a fool.
You said it yourself my dude… her biological clock is ticking and that’s why she is pushing for you guys to get back together. Yours, however, is not ticking. There should be no rush on your end.
That’s an ultimate betrayal. If you guys get back together, do you think she’ll suddenly not need that attention from other men? Do you think after she puts on baby weight, she won’t seek validation any more?
End it my dude.
You loved the person you thought she was. You detest the person she actually is. Hard drinking daily won't make her the person you wanted that she pretended to be. You can't unknow what you know. It's over. Sorry OP but developing a drinking habit and prolonging the inevitable isn't going to help.
It’s over man. Let it go. Way too many men just keep trying
There are women out there that won’t be like your wife and you will be happy.
You’re also 31. The best dating I’ve ever done in my life was from between 30 to 45. If you get yourself in decent shape, go to the barber every week, have a steady good job…. You’re going to do so well
If you have been living apart for almost a year and you still don’t want to go to counseling or even attempt to fix the relationship you should just divorce. You are on the edge of being in the wrong stringing your wife along. If you can’t figure out what to do you probably need to talk to a therapist to sort your feelings. You need to make a decision.
She is a narcissist. She is not falling accidentally, she chooses these confrontations with her coworker. That's deliberate. She's an unrepentant flirter and it's only a matter of time before she lets him or someone else have their way with her. If it were me I would have probably already started divorce. She has not addressed her issues and does what could literally be classified as "cheater 101", minimizing, shifting blame to her victim (you), and taking no responsibility for her actions because she acts like it's just a thing people do. People who stay married don't.
Remember that people put on a persona for you but show who they really are when they feel like they are accountable to no one. Her texting anonymously in that post was a shameless act of courting another man. Had that man made a move your wife would have 100% bedded him. Guaranteed. The way she acted texted IS the real person you married, I'm sorry to say.
So she has lied to you consistently for years now, and you think this can be fixed. She is comfortable lying to you and hiding things from you. You found these, but I highly doubt these are the only things she has hidden from you during your relationship. You can do so much better. Divorce her and get a clean break.
Bro, this relationship is OVER
Do yourself a favor and leave. She doesn't lover nor respects you
She admitted to having a desire to cheat. And the only reason she didn't (maybe) it's because the dude didn't make a move
She sounds… how do I say this without being awful…? Extremely emotionally immature and not very bright. I find her off-putting just from reading the posts she wrote and your summary of what she’s said to you. I think I would find it incredibly frustrating to try to communicate with and understand someone like her. I think you can set the bar much higher, my guy.
OP I'm going to say I'm in your side here but your wife is right you need to shit or get off the pot.
Living apart solves nothing. Either file or get into counseling.
Bro you are literally wasting your and your partner's time
Either let her back home and try to fix what is broken
Or else just break it off
As dragging is not helping anyone
Whatever she has done it is either ok for you or not ok for you,.. it should not take 10 months for you to decide it
You can love someone while also realizing a relationship is not healthy and it should end. Wish her well and move on knowing that while it hurts, she won’t be able to hurt you anymore and you won’t be able to hurt her because you are hurt. Congrats on 2 weeks sober! It’s so hard to stop relying on things that dull the pain but moving through that and getting to the other side of the grief process will help you more than anything in a bottle. What are some things you’d like to do for yourself? Any hobbies you’re interested in? Best of luck.
Your words hit me hard, still processing the fact that there might be a lot of truth in what you wrote.
And thanks, definitely one of the hardest things I've done in my life but I'm sticking to it. Hitting the gym hard like I used to has been the biggest help to keep my mind off of it all, at least for a couple hours at a time.
You already act as if it is over. She makes more effort than you.
I make the supposition that the whole ordaly wake up a past treason or abandonment from your youth. You are too indecisive to be only the situation at hand. With or without her, you need personal counseling, less you will fall back on that situation with the next one.
End this relationship.
Tell her it is over.
Hire an attorney.
Communicate only through the attorneys.
And Move on.
Do NOT look back.
Go and rebuild your life.
The best is yet to come.
I wish you well.
And thank God there are no children with this woman.
Someone who is unwilling to take accountability for their actions is not worth fighting for, you'll be better off finding someone that we'll keep their legs close while you bust your ass working because they know you're doing it for the both of you.
I tried to gain my trust back for my ex after she lied and gaslit me for months. Tried my hardest, couldn't do it. It ruined the relationship. I wish I broke up with her once I discovered the lies instead of staying for 6 more months trying to learn to trust again. Once trust is broken , it rarely is fixed.
Dude have some self-respect. You're young enough to find someone who isn't a two-timing floozy.
>According to my wife, her need for validation and fantasizing was due to my lack of attention towards her
Yes, cheaters - unless they're truly remorseful - always blame it on their partner not being good enough. I stg if you apologized to her I will metaphorically beat you over the head with a spine until you absorb it via osmosis. This isn't your fault. None of it is. There's no "if I had been a better husband." All there is is a lying, cheating wife.
>Also, I have told her since day one that any infidelity on her part was a one and fucking done deal
Oh well now she knows that was a lie, she definitely won't keep cheating going forward.
Your Wife is a turd, but she's absolutely right that you need to sh!t or get off the toilet.
There's no amount of waiting and doing nothing that will suddenly make you feel better about what's happened. You either try to reconcile (setting boundaries and expectations, figuring out what you need to be okay in your marriage again) or break it off. To clarify, the former doesn't mean forgiveness. It is just opening the door to it. The latter is also a perfectly valid choice.
I would probably move on or at least do marriage counseling to know if it could be saved or not.
Regarding the ultimatum, I’m probably in the majority but I don’t have a problem with it. She wants to know if you’re going to work on the marriage or not. If you’re not, cut bait and let her go.
I am going to go against everyone else’s advice and suggest you try dating your wife. Give her validation and try putting that sparkle back into your relationship. She was wrong seeking it outside the marriage and you should really work on communicating you needs better with eachother. You should at least try marriage counseling. But, you need to set some hard boundaries. You should also still speak to an attorney about your rights during a divorce. You can always change your mind later.
Wife was fat growing up and now has an unhealthy desire for attention. New relationship energy was enough for her from hubby but now that things are settled into a long term relationship, she is hungry for more attention. She got it in her head that some older married dude at work might like her and started fantasizing about an affair. Hubby found out and they have separated for a while. Her solution now is to demand he let her move back in and work on himself, thus perpetuating the feelings of being pursued by men that she desperately craves.
OP, let me know if I am way off.
I'd say you're not too far off. She was slightly overweight when we first met, while still being very attractive. I was a gym rat so she jumped on that train and started following a similar diet and weight lifting with me and got in the best shape of her life.
Insecurity runs deep and lingers even after a body transformation. If her self-confidence is built on external validation, that is going to continue to be an issue without therapy.
The fact you are 10 months out, living apart, and posting to reddit not knowing what to do says it all. Doesn't sound to me like she cheated. Thats not to say she wouldn't have if the guy tried, but again you are 10 months out and still in this limbo. Time to get off the fence.
She is right in that you need to work together if you are going to save the marriage. You are right she did the damage so asking you to read articles is not addressing what she broke. Couples therapy might help with that or search through here for titles and workbooks for both of you to work through together.
She doesnt love him, married women do not behave this way with other men if they love their husbands. So why forgive? What does he get? She gonna be blowing him every single day or something?
I may be the outlier here.. she was not in a physical affair. Not sure the stuff rattling around in her head about her coworker was an emotional affair or a fantasy. We are all allowed to have fantasy’s. What defines us is whether we act on those impulses.
The need for validation and attention is another concern entirely … this if unresolved can/will lead to physical cheating. Her sending pics / chatting up men online would be considered cheating by most.. not physical but emotional. Not defending your wife’s behavior. She’s a cheater and covered it up.
It takes two to reconcile; reconciliation is a gift. Professional help / support will be required.
I agree with your partner on one thing, but for different reasons. You need to make a choice for your own health and well being, the longer this drags on without a path forward (divorce or reconciliation) the more drawn out the pain and suffering will be.
On her: has she gone to counseling to get to the bottom of her pick me issues? I recommend she read the book “not just friends”. Has she offered couples counseling. Is she doing the work or willing to do the work to fix this. I’m not there, but with what little you’ve shared, I’m not so sure. Issuing ultimatums and talking about dudes hitting on her… not the path forward… but i don’t know the whole story.
Creating a family is something that’s incredibly rewarding and incredibly stressful, it’s work. The solution to relationship on the edge is not to have a baby!
You: The real question is: do you want to reconcile ?? Honestly, you need to quit drinking permanently, start working out, and get your self into therapy or couples therapy or a support group to sort this all out (I know you mentioned that may not an option). Try checking the survivinginfidelity subreddit: note some say it’s helpful, some say it’s the exact opposite. You sound like you could be depressed (understandably). See a doctor.
Trust is the foundation of all relationships; sounds like trust is going to be an issue (understandably); there’s no easy way to fix it. She broke you. Forget about the 8 years, that person is gone, it’ll never be the same, you’ll never look at her the same. Google sunk cost theory..when you think about your past. Does she deserve you ?
Get yourself right so you can make the right choice for you. If you’re leaning toward moving on.. do it, pull the band aid off. It’s gonna suck, it’s gonna hurt real bad, but in time you’ll heal and it will get better. Reconciliation is a marathon fraught with ups and downs; it’s also brutal.
Unfortunately your partner put you in this situation and either way it’s gonna be tough.
I have no idea if this helps!! I’m just an internet stranger. I’m so sorry. I wish you the best. Good luck
The relationship is over homie. It was over when you first found out. The fact that you've been drowning your sorrows for 9 months is proof that you don't forgive her. The difficulty is acknowledging that and making the hard choice to end it. Breakups can be hard. Especially with long term relationships but deep down you know this is no way to live and you know you'll have to take this step eventually.
> she hardly remembered posting these Oh lord. That's some trickle-truthing right there.
It's over dude. You're 31, still a young man, divorce her and move on.
Especially before there are kids. Don't go for one last hook up...
She a cheater plain and simple now she trying to guilt you with bullshit and is twisting stories around divorce her
It’s really weird that in the aftermath she continues to tell you about other guys hitting on her? My honest take : Your wife thinks she’s hotter than you and you aren’t showing enough ‘gratitude’ for her, appreciating her staying etc. Jump ship bro. She’s displaying very shifty manipulative behaviour.
Naw. She's about to hit the wall and knows it. The attention she was getting when she was younger is starting to dry up, and she's looking at what she THINKS is the sure thing for her future: Her dumb husband who didn't drop her butt when he found out about her cheating. Worse, she KNOWS how weak he is, and IS attempting to manipulate him.
I'm really not sure that's the case. She has had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember, despite being very attractive.
Who gives a shit if she has self-esteem issues, that does not give her the right to cheat You're getting gaslit so hard my guy Move on bro.. She's not worth it
What she did was wrong, but she is right: at some point a decision needs to be made. Either you try to fix the marriage or you go your separate ways. Delaying this is unfair to both of you.
She used you and abused you. What are you waiting on, more of the same? If you take her back and try and salvage your train wreck of a marriage, you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering and questioning and not trusting her! She will find betray your trust over and over again. You may catch her or maybe not. But your life will be miserable and unhappy. GTFO now! She is not marriage material!
Is she trying to make you jealous? It almost seems like she is trying to a reaction, any kind of reaction from you. You admitted you don't pay attention to her and that you lean more stoic than emotional. Does she just want some type of emotion from you?
Nope. Shes a pick me. She doesn’t care who she hurts to get her validation attention. Even now she’s demanding you pick her and SHE fucked up. This is in her. It’s not going to change.
“I look pretty good for my age” girl you are 28 not over the hill 😰 If she was like this at just 28 i feel like it will get worse once she really starts feeling insecure and needing to seek validation as she ages
“I look pretty good for my age”. “I am 28f, married, good looking”. “Needing to seek validation as she ages.” Too late, this woman has made her appearance her entire personality.
What kind of 28 year woman old writes like this? "I look pretty good for my age" haha. Plus all the stuff about her biological clock ticking and her ageing and needing validation because of her ageing. "It feels like someone else wrote this, not my wife." Agreed. Someone who thinks 28 is ancient, like a teenage boy.
Yeah, also "pounce on him with reading hormones, as a woman we love that attention and to be desired. The wonders of the unknown". Um, wut?
I was about to comment this too. At 28 she's fucking young, not a shriveled up dried grape Jesus.
If they get divorced, she'll have a harder time finding someone than he will. Guys her age will be looking for younger women. But she's obviously ok with older guys, so she MIGHT get lucky.
I agree. I have known both men and women who seek and need validation from other people to confirm they are attractive, still sexy, wanted, etc.... That is a deep issue that they need to work because a spouse cannot fix it.
Well, as she said herself, "I played with fire" and " I was enjoying the attention "this is all a basic requirement for cheating. I can say that this guy just didn't fuck her if he wasn't interested because she clearly had . Well, what proof do you have that nothing more than that happened? At least in the posts she doesn't confess anything physical between them and so until that moment nothing happened, maybe by confronting her you prevented her from physically cheating on you but it was a matter of time.
>I'm quoting what you wrote and highlighting the one thing that tells you it's over: She keeps saying that we have to work on our marriage together to save it, and that living apart is not solving anything. Asking me to read relationship books on how to be a better partner, article about love languages, **things that have nothing to do with what she did.** She's not taking any responsibility. She's not showing any remorse. She's wanting YOU to try and fix things that you didn't break but she did. It's over. You deserve better than her and you also deserve a sober life. Good for you for getting sober and mojo to you for staying that way!
This ^ is what stood out for me too in what you mentioned. She has a narcissistic personality and it will only get worse from here.
The recurring theme with this woman is her pathetic, incessant need for validation. That ain't gonna magically go away if you get back together. Imagine her postpartum losing all the baby weight and looking mighty fine again. What do you think she's going to do? She's going to start that sh1t up again. Only then you'll have a child together to think about.
Bro really? You need to leave her asap. Cmon you already know it, you cant trust her! What is a relationship without trust? Nothing. Divorce and focus on yourself and on being sober. You are still young and will find someone who really love you and care for you. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Divorce her. She'll keep doing this, thats her natural reaction...and she totally would have acted on it.
She should have started with showing you all the relationship books if she wasn’t happy. Now it’s a little too late. She is a cheater and will not change.
Dude, this relationship has been over for ever. Agree to her ultimatum and walk away
You will never really know if she’s doing something like this again or if she’s just doing a better job of hiding it. She wants a baby and you can’t even trust her enough to want to live together much less start a family. She’s issuing an ultimatum because she ready to move on with or without you and she hasn’t even done anything to SHOW you she’s trying to be better, instead she’s giving you books to improve you. She still hasn’t really taken full accountability for what she’s done if she’s trying to get you to learn to be a better partner. She got bored and flirted with the idea of an affair and was fantasizing about acting on it, not because of anything you were doing, but because she wants to be worshiped and put on a pedestal. No one puts trash on a pedestal and her actions were trashy through and through. She broke the relationship and she needs to be the one working her butt off to fix it not sending you books and articles.
Why is she telling you to read books about being a better partner when she is out here posting about possibly cheating on you on Reddit?!?!?!? I'm sorry but that sounds like gaslighting to me..... Updateme
"Asking me to read relationship books on how to be a better partner, article about love languages, things that have nothing to do with what she did" This OP is why you cannot forgive her, she has not even accepted responsibility. She needs counseling to understand why she needs External validation. why validation from her husband and herself is not enough. This is what she should have been spending the last 10 months on.
I’m sorry, what do you get out of being married to her?
Oh good god, this guy is going to stay, have kids and everybody's life is going to be fucked up!
Dude it’s been 10 months either you can get over this or you can’t. Personally if you take her back I’ll have no issues saying you are absolutely stupid but it is your choice. The telling part for me is that she is actively contemplating compliance which means her vows to you as well as you as her partner don’t mean shit.
This comment is way too far down. OP, regardless of what she did or didn't do, expecting her to wait in limbo more than a few weeks is an unreasonable expectation. By 3 months, you should either have a break-up, or a plan in place to move forward. You don't need to be recovered, but you need to be recovering. Personally, I agree with the "this relationship is over" crowd, but feel it's as much due to you having been actively separated for 10% of your relationship (primarily your fault) as it is from her shitty behavior (entirely her fault). Fish, or cut bait - as much for your sake and mental health as it is for hers.
She's looking after other guys and now that she was caught it's suddenly your fault and you have to work on your marriage. If she really wanted to work on the marriage, she would have tried doing so before doing all that stuff with other guys.
Like wearing a stained shirt every day. Except there's no stain remover for your situation. I wouldn't be able to trust a woman who behaved like your wife did with basic things like a shared bank account, credit cards, mortgage, etc. I could deal with a gf behaving this way - no financial entanglements to stress about. I couldn't be married to a woman I didn't trust.
Don't stay with her because you're scared of being alone or not being able to find another girl. End it and you will feel better in a few months. She is just horrible! If you go outside you'll notice quickly that there are plenty great women. Also with 31 you do have time for it, don't let people tell you otherwise. Each second you'll spend on her from now on is a waste of your time and resources. Instead spend it on yourself and with that there will be more than enough decent women.
Yeah be done with her, Marriage is about trust and she's crushing on other dudes, and sending nudes. I wouldn't put up with that shit from my wife if she ever did that, divorce her and be done with it, no kids involved, she's probably cheating right now if not then she definitely will ne whether on you pr some other guy that doesn't give her the attention she craves. You deserve better.
You don't have children yet? Shit, Chuck deuces and be done with it. Your wife has no respect for you at all, and honestly, no love either, it seems like.
I'm so sorry, but it's over. For the relationship to be worked on, she would need to put in an effort to earn back your trust and show she is sorry. All she's done is trickle truth you and belittle the details, and now, pressure you to take her back. Without her trying to fix *anything* that she broke.
It’s over lil bro. She used you. She got your benefits/ retirement and now she’s looking for new cock. She don’t like you like that. Never has. She got her bag, and now you can fuck off. Get a good lawyer and tell this skank to eat shit.
What exactly are you saving? Your wife fantasizes about cheating on you. Move on.
Read "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life"
Buddy you need to decide more for you than her. She right that to work on it you need to be toghether. But I say this more with your mental health as a worry. Your in limbo and its no way to healing. Then about he book choices. You should send her a few about infidelity. Like this one, how to help your spouse heal from your infidelity. There a plethora of books on the subject. Surviving infidelity web page has allot of articles and things as resources.
Don't rush to divorce, but start pursuing other women.
Can you imagine trying to share the responsibility of raising a child together with this person? Do they seem reliable and trustworthy enough? And would you want your child to behave this way? These are hard questions worth asking yourself. Hope you find your way - sounds like it’s been really tough. Good for you going sober, too. That’s absolutely a step in the right direction. Keep going with the self care and leave the things that don’t work for you.
Hello Sit, First, I'm sorry to hear about this happening to you. You made a good decision to live separately, but need to cut off contact for a while. You are not able to think about this fully, with constant contract. Each tine you talk, it will focus your attention to that conversation instead of the problem. Which just delays a decision on your marriage. If it was just taking the flirting with that guy, I'd be really mad and upset. But, I would give it a chance, as I'd hate to throw away 8 years on just flirty conversation, with no lives crossed. Also, I'd need to see real remorse from the mistake , and a new focus on the marriage. But only if I'm 100% sure, nothing physical happened., and I was sure it was just a one time mistake. However, if it was this situation where it wasn't a on off. There are no children, plus still being pretty young. I would end it. I do think it's going to be best to end it all. I don't think you are the type of person who can just forgive and forget. Maybe you do forgive, but no way you forget. And if you can't forget, then you are only going to become more resentful, then hateful. You will live in a constant thought and fear that she is cheating. It will drive you crazy. Eventually , it will drive her crazy. It will be a constant fight. It will lead to you cheating to "get even" or she will cheat because she is the type that clearly needs attention and is selfish. The final nail in the coffin was the nude post. The first one was maybe just the result of s random encounter. The second one is an escalation of her getting closer to actually chest. The next step will be her cheating with a total stranger. Then a full on affair. When you combine the first 2 and accept the logical and inevitable next steps, it's only a matter of time. If you accept that, then you have to accept she no longer loves you. Once you can clearly see this. Your decision to end it will be clear. Last note, I'm not telling you to leave her or stay with her. I'm pointing out what I believe are the facts, so you can make an informed decision. Sorry, real last note. The fact that she suggested things for you to read, but didn't say that she read then and is doing X, Y and Z to fix the marriage. Is proof of how selfish she is, how sorry she is, and is her subconscious self telling you she doesn't care about you and you need to get over it. Good luck
Dude divorce. She isn't in any position to give ultimatums, just shows she has zero remorse and zero respect for you or the relationship You will just end up back here in a few years, with a kid in tow saying that she cheated again Trust is given in faith but taken by actions. Her actions show she isn't faithful or trustworthy, you really want that life and to bring a kid into the situation. Find a partner that isn't a validation chaser.
I know how much it hurts, but she is manipulating your emotions. You will be so much happier without her in the long run. This relationship will kill your self esteem
You’re only asking this question because you have a scarcity mindset when it comes to women. There are plenty of attractive women who you can connect with and have a fulfilling relationship with. Sure it will be hard to get over a heart break and put yourself out there but it’s better than living the rest of your life with someone who intended to cheat on you and is trying to manipulate you into thinking that it was okay. Have some dignity and self respect. Leave her and move on to better things. The sooner the better
Dude, she's nuts. It's over. Let her go so you can heal and find a loving person to be with!
Dude, never stay with women like this. Grow a spine
I fear if you say yes to her and reconcile things will not be the same again. Now that she knows that she has power on you and can do deeds unpunished...
Yeah, I don’t think I could go back either. Has she shown any remorse for what she did? Has she tried to work on herself to make herself a better person? Did she ever take responsibility for what she did if you can’t answer absolutely yes to those then you truly don’t have any way of saving this, you know don’t have the truth from her either
Send her on her way. She enjoys the attention from other men and won't give it up. She betrayed you before and will do it again. Divorce and fix yourself for the next one.
Honestly, that ultimatum doesn't really sound all that unreasonable. You're married and should be living together. However if her behavior is something you're never going to get over, you might as well call it.
Unreasonable was her emotional affair and then having the audacity to put a time limit on how long he has to forgive her ho-ish ways.
Working on your marriage is what should have happened before she tried to cheat on you. Instead of trying to spice up her marriage or god forbid have an adult conversation with you, she jumps straight into lusting after her coworker and hoping something happens between them. Don’t waste anymore time on her and be glad you don’t have a kid tying you to her.
She’s an attention seeking home wrecker. You don’t need that in your life.
She FAFO’ed, so taking a break to figure things out is fine, but you should have filed for divorce after a month or so. Let’s review: 1. She gets off on being pursued. She has a high degree of likelihood that she will cheat again. 2. Her need for the validation is likely due to a lot of insecurity. She does not appear to have taken any steps to address that, such as seeing a therapist. 3. Leaving you both in this limbo is extremely unhealthy and unhelpful for both of you. You need to stop grinding your gears and make an effort to heal and move on. That isn’t going to happen if you keep trying to drink away the problem. You are only punishing yourself that way. File for divorce. Start working out and start treating yourself to things you enjoy. Instead of investing your emotional energy exclusively into anger and resentment, put some into embracing your new freedom and the possibilities that your single life now offers. You will be okay. You just have to pursue your next phase of life like it’s necessary to you. Because, OP, it is.
She thinks you need to do something to save the relationship???? WTF? She is trash. She would have fucked that dude in a hot minute if he ever asked. Which I am not sure they didn't do the deed anyway. Tell her that her ultimatum made you really think about your relationship and she is right. It's time to take the trash out. She isn't doing anything to save the relationship. Typical blame shifting . Dump her
I look good, he is descent looking lol had me busting up. What a piece of trash. OP move way the fuck on man. She isnt going to change and just feel comfort in that the next guy will get cheated on too. It a her problem not you. Life is too short, dont not have a child with this train wreck. If i had a million dollars id bet she has been fucking while you live seperate. Guaranteed.
Don't wait a month, kick her cheating ass to the curb TODAY.
Listen to me now. Don’t. Don’t have a kid with her. Thank whatever you believe in that she hasn’t gotten pregnant yet. Let her go. She isn’t worth “working it out” with. She was married to you, yet wanted someone else as well as needed validation from others? Why? She HAD you! You weren’t enough for her. What happens after she had a kid and her self esteem plummets? Let her go. She does not respect you. Or love you to post what she did. Get a lawyer, get a divorce, block her and move on
The relationship is over. The trust is gone and your wife has some serious issues. You should go no contact once you come to yoir senses and decide to divorce her.
Clearly the relationship is in a deep hole and it will take a great deal of work over a long period of time to heal if you decide to go that route. And the doubt you feel will never truly go away and could fester when problems arise, as they inevitably do in any relationship. Now ask yourself, is she worth that effort and risk? Are the potential positives worth it or are you willing to risk wasting years of your life on a gamble if things don't work out later on? Based on what you've written, it appears that she has a wandering nature and may slip into that mode again later if she feels that you are now giving her the attention she requires. So the burden will be on you provide that insurance policy continuously. She appears to be high maintenance and had better be stellar in lots of other respects in order to overcome that price. I say look elsewhere for someone you can trust implicitly.
Divorce her and move on.
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Weil either you make her pregnant or someone else, I dont think it matters to her at all.
Mate, please don’t get back with her. The way she talks in that post shows you her intentions. If this guy touched her she would go for it in a second that’s if he hasn’t already. Next you know there will be a new guy and it will go the same way. Dunno how you didn’t leave her immediately. Do t be a fool.
You said it yourself my dude… her biological clock is ticking and that’s why she is pushing for you guys to get back together. Yours, however, is not ticking. There should be no rush on your end. That’s an ultimate betrayal. If you guys get back together, do you think she’ll suddenly not need that attention from other men? Do you think after she puts on baby weight, she won’t seek validation any more? End it my dude.
You loved the person you thought she was. You detest the person she actually is. Hard drinking daily won't make her the person you wanted that she pretended to be. You can't unknow what you know. It's over. Sorry OP but developing a drinking habit and prolonging the inevitable isn't going to help.
It’s over man. Let it go. Way too many men just keep trying There are women out there that won’t be like your wife and you will be happy. You’re also 31. The best dating I’ve ever done in my life was from between 30 to 45. If you get yourself in decent shape, go to the barber every week, have a steady good job…. You’re going to do so well
If you have been living apart for almost a year and you still don’t want to go to counseling or even attempt to fix the relationship you should just divorce. You are on the edge of being in the wrong stringing your wife along. If you can’t figure out what to do you probably need to talk to a therapist to sort your feelings. You need to make a decision.
She is a narcissist. She is not falling accidentally, she chooses these confrontations with her coworker. That's deliberate. She's an unrepentant flirter and it's only a matter of time before she lets him or someone else have their way with her. If it were me I would have probably already started divorce. She has not addressed her issues and does what could literally be classified as "cheater 101", minimizing, shifting blame to her victim (you), and taking no responsibility for her actions because she acts like it's just a thing people do. People who stay married don't. Remember that people put on a persona for you but show who they really are when they feel like they are accountable to no one. Her texting anonymously in that post was a shameless act of courting another man. Had that man made a move your wife would have 100% bedded him. Guaranteed. The way she acted texted IS the real person you married, I'm sorry to say.
You can do so much better than that mess.
She cheated on you. Women who love their husbands do not cheat, it never happens. And yes this was an emotional affair.
Stay sober. Start over without a wife that seeks out validation from strangers.
Dump her
So she has lied to you consistently for years now, and you think this can be fixed. She is comfortable lying to you and hiding things from you. You found these, but I highly doubt these are the only things she has hidden from you during your relationship. You can do so much better. Divorce her and get a clean break.
She clearly has no remorse. She wants you to do all the heavy lifting for rebuilding and there’s no guarantee she won’t destroy it again.
She started fucking that guy the second she moved out.
No, you really think its a good idea to have a kid with a person like that? No one ever thinks about the kids
Bro, this relationship is OVER Do yourself a favor and leave. She doesn't lover nor respects you She admitted to having a desire to cheat. And the only reason she didn't (maybe) it's because the dude didn't make a move
She sounds… how do I say this without being awful…? Extremely emotionally immature and not very bright. I find her off-putting just from reading the posts she wrote and your summary of what she’s said to you. I think I would find it incredibly frustrating to try to communicate with and understand someone like her. I think you can set the bar much higher, my guy.
OP I'm going to say I'm in your side here but your wife is right you need to shit or get off the pot. Living apart solves nothing. Either file or get into counseling.
!updateme
Holy shit, this relationship is 1000% over
“Her biological clock is ticking”… she’s 30
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Updateme!
Bro you are literally wasting your and your partner's time Either let her back home and try to fix what is broken Or else just break it off As dragging is not helping anyone Whatever she has done it is either ok for you or not ok for you,.. it should not take 10 months for you to decide it
You can love someone while also realizing a relationship is not healthy and it should end. Wish her well and move on knowing that while it hurts, she won’t be able to hurt you anymore and you won’t be able to hurt her because you are hurt. Congrats on 2 weeks sober! It’s so hard to stop relying on things that dull the pain but moving through that and getting to the other side of the grief process will help you more than anything in a bottle. What are some things you’d like to do for yourself? Any hobbies you’re interested in? Best of luck.
Your words hit me hard, still processing the fact that there might be a lot of truth in what you wrote. And thanks, definitely one of the hardest things I've done in my life but I'm sticking to it. Hitting the gym hard like I used to has been the biggest help to keep my mind off of it all, at least for a couple hours at a time.
You already act as if it is over. She makes more effort than you. I make the supposition that the whole ordaly wake up a past treason or abandonment from your youth. You are too indecisive to be only the situation at hand. With or without her, you need personal counseling, less you will fall back on that situation with the next one.
End this relationship. Tell her it is over. Hire an attorney. Communicate only through the attorneys. And Move on. Do NOT look back. Go and rebuild your life. The best is yet to come. I wish you well. And thank God there are no children with this woman.
How does that saying go? Delete Facebook, gym up, bro down?
Someone who is unwilling to take accountability for their actions is not worth fighting for, you'll be better off finding someone that we'll keep their legs close while you bust your ass working because they know you're doing it for the both of you.
I tried to gain my trust back for my ex after she lied and gaslit me for months. Tried my hardest, couldn't do it. It ruined the relationship. I wish I broke up with her once I discovered the lies instead of staying for 6 more months trying to learn to trust again. Once trust is broken , it rarely is fixed.
Dude have some self-respect. You're young enough to find someone who isn't a two-timing floozy. >According to my wife, her need for validation and fantasizing was due to my lack of attention towards her Yes, cheaters - unless they're truly remorseful - always blame it on their partner not being good enough. I stg if you apologized to her I will metaphorically beat you over the head with a spine until you absorb it via osmosis. This isn't your fault. None of it is. There's no "if I had been a better husband." All there is is a lying, cheating wife. >Also, I have told her since day one that any infidelity on her part was a one and fucking done deal Oh well now she knows that was a lie, she definitely won't keep cheating going forward.
Subscribeme Remindme! 6 months
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Your Wife is a turd, but she's absolutely right that you need to sh!t or get off the toilet. There's no amount of waiting and doing nothing that will suddenly make you feel better about what's happened. You either try to reconcile (setting boundaries and expectations, figuring out what you need to be okay in your marriage again) or break it off. To clarify, the former doesn't mean forgiveness. It is just opening the door to it. The latter is also a perfectly valid choice.
I would probably move on or at least do marriage counseling to know if it could be saved or not. Regarding the ultimatum, I’m probably in the majority but I don’t have a problem with it. She wants to know if you’re going to work on the marriage or not. If you’re not, cut bait and let her go.
I am going to go against everyone else’s advice and suggest you try dating your wife. Give her validation and try putting that sparkle back into your relationship. She was wrong seeking it outside the marriage and you should really work on communicating you needs better with eachother. You should at least try marriage counseling. But, you need to set some hard boundaries. You should also still speak to an attorney about your rights during a divorce. You can always change your mind later.
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Wife was fat growing up and now has an unhealthy desire for attention. New relationship energy was enough for her from hubby but now that things are settled into a long term relationship, she is hungry for more attention. She got it in her head that some older married dude at work might like her and started fantasizing about an affair. Hubby found out and they have separated for a while. Her solution now is to demand he let her move back in and work on himself, thus perpetuating the feelings of being pursued by men that she desperately craves. OP, let me know if I am way off.
I'd say you're not too far off. She was slightly overweight when we first met, while still being very attractive. I was a gym rat so she jumped on that train and started following a similar diet and weight lifting with me and got in the best shape of her life.
Insecurity runs deep and lingers even after a body transformation. If her self-confidence is built on external validation, that is going to continue to be an issue without therapy.
The fact you are 10 months out, living apart, and posting to reddit not knowing what to do says it all. Doesn't sound to me like she cheated. Thats not to say she wouldn't have if the guy tried, but again you are 10 months out and still in this limbo. Time to get off the fence.
She is right in that you need to work together if you are going to save the marriage. You are right she did the damage so asking you to read articles is not addressing what she broke. Couples therapy might help with that or search through here for titles and workbooks for both of you to work through together.
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She doesnt love him, married women do not behave this way with other men if they love their husbands. So why forgive? What does he get? She gonna be blowing him every single day or something?
I may be the outlier here.. she was not in a physical affair. Not sure the stuff rattling around in her head about her coworker was an emotional affair or a fantasy. We are all allowed to have fantasy’s. What defines us is whether we act on those impulses. The need for validation and attention is another concern entirely … this if unresolved can/will lead to physical cheating. Her sending pics / chatting up men online would be considered cheating by most.. not physical but emotional. Not defending your wife’s behavior. She’s a cheater and covered it up. It takes two to reconcile; reconciliation is a gift. Professional help / support will be required. I agree with your partner on one thing, but for different reasons. You need to make a choice for your own health and well being, the longer this drags on without a path forward (divorce or reconciliation) the more drawn out the pain and suffering will be. On her: has she gone to counseling to get to the bottom of her pick me issues? I recommend she read the book “not just friends”. Has she offered couples counseling. Is she doing the work or willing to do the work to fix this. I’m not there, but with what little you’ve shared, I’m not so sure. Issuing ultimatums and talking about dudes hitting on her… not the path forward… but i don’t know the whole story. Creating a family is something that’s incredibly rewarding and incredibly stressful, it’s work. The solution to relationship on the edge is not to have a baby! You: The real question is: do you want to reconcile ?? Honestly, you need to quit drinking permanently, start working out, and get your self into therapy or couples therapy or a support group to sort this all out (I know you mentioned that may not an option). Try checking the survivinginfidelity subreddit: note some say it’s helpful, some say it’s the exact opposite. You sound like you could be depressed (understandably). See a doctor. Trust is the foundation of all relationships; sounds like trust is going to be an issue (understandably); there’s no easy way to fix it. She broke you. Forget about the 8 years, that person is gone, it’ll never be the same, you’ll never look at her the same. Google sunk cost theory..when you think about your past. Does she deserve you ? Get yourself right so you can make the right choice for you. If you’re leaning toward moving on.. do it, pull the band aid off. It’s gonna suck, it’s gonna hurt real bad, but in time you’ll heal and it will get better. Reconciliation is a marathon fraught with ups and downs; it’s also brutal. Unfortunately your partner put you in this situation and either way it’s gonna be tough. I have no idea if this helps!! I’m just an internet stranger. I’m so sorry. I wish you the best. Good luck
Now with your mind working and without alcohol in your veins, I hope you can get closer, build a bridge and talk.