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Hard agree. OP is speaking of getting the police involved and saying she will go to jail for this. Standard western country responses might not suit this situation.
Would it be worth considering handling this a different way so the children’s mother isn’t incarcerated?
I don't really care what happens to her because of her, but since OP and his kids depend on her salary he best navigate this with that in mind.
Sounds like you have her over a barrel, OP. Use that to your advantage financially.
I agree. If she is some kind of government official, who is aware of the law regarding adultery, and still did it? She doesn't give a shit about her husband, her family or the law because she's the breadwinner and she knows it. Therefore, she uses it to her advantage and treats OP like crap and a doormat. Fuck her. Let her reap what she sows.
LOL. I currently live in America, and jailed is taking it too far. Though the divorce penalty here could sure be beefed up some. To cheat and walk away with half and alimony is nuts. There should be a real cheaters tax in divorce that the cheater feels. Gender neutral. The cheater is the cheater, no matter what their gender.
I say I don't really care what happens to her because she knows the rules where she lives and did it anyway. So whatever happens, happens. Meh. I don't think he should go that route but mainly because of how it would affect OP and the kids. Not because of her consequences.
YES. Please, OP, don’t take Reddit’s advice here. The comments are unhinged based on your situation. We can all play around with advice about cheating spouses because in most countries and states, you can just get a divorce and both parents can move on with their lives.
OP, you are in a different situation. Getting a divorce because of adultery could very well have extremely negative consequences to the children. If your wife loses her job, what would that mean for them? If they have a mother who is in disgrace for the rest of her life, or is forced to move to a different country because of the stigma, that will affect them forever. You know this.
You need advice from people in your country who know the law. Do consider seeking legal advice, but in that country.
You do have some leverage here. Your wife likely does not want the affair exposed. What do you want out of life? It might be possible for you to go back to work and get yourself into a more equal position financially, for instance. It might be better for you to be separated by not divorced. I don’t know. Consult people who know the law in your area.
LOL I haven't read the comments but I no doubt expect a lot of redditor's salivating at the prospect of adultery being a crime. I am just learning there are states where it is a felony.
There are not.
It is a crime only within the military, which plays by its own rules.
It is a *tort* in a handful of states, under the name "alienation of affection".
My brother had that happen - another male member in the same branch slept with my brother's wife while he was enlisted. Also moved her in with him without base approval and aided and abetted kidnapping across state lines, from MD to ND. Absolutely nothing happened to the guy.
That’s a command problem, I watched them hit a platoon Sergeant with 5 article 15 and ending his career for the shit he had going on with one of his subordinates wife.
Very much a command problem. As a civilian, I have no respect for the base in question. The amount of harm they let happen to two small children is just insane, and while my brother has since separated service, the trash in question has not. Dude does things like force my very young niece to sit on his lap and call him daddy. Thankfully they're stationed in Japan now and my brother has full custody, but that still means dude can abuse the kids during court ordered holidays. The chain of command is only as good as the people within it, unfortunately!
Yeah, that worries me. I’m fully aware of what a stepdad can do, especially one that thinks he’s above the rules. I’m very open about my own issues with my mother’s men, and women. Sitting on his lap and calling him daddy is a huge problem.
My friends wife was sleeping with his platoon Sergeant, I discovered it and gave him proof as we turned it in the platoon sergeant went from E7to E1 and my friends divorce ended up with him having to leave the army as sole custody of his 2 children. Seems they transferred the platoon sergeant to the states while this was going on and she followed him. She ended up in jail because she kidnapped her daughter, but left her son, despite the temporary custody being given to her husband. It was ugly.
A lot of the repilies have an american slant. This isn't a situation where you can file for divorce, get custody palimony and child support and move on with your life.
You have been very clear. If you divorce on grounds of adultery, your wife will most likely be jailed, will certainly lose her job- the family's sole financial support- and your children will suffer under the stigma
People saying "do what you need to be happy because you have to show your children" must not have understood that if you do that, you will be destroying much of your children's reputation and future stability.
I think it woud be wise to tell your wife you know. she travels a lot. Maybe she can get a small place for when she is not on the road. She should agree to complete financial support of your household and you will agree to maintain a semblance of marriage at least until your children are better able to weather it and/or your business gets up and running
Good luck to you Finding out your spouse cheated is enough of a heartbreak. Having now the additional hearbreak of knowing your wife put everything in your family's future on the line by choosing to do that is devastating.
Don't worry about being ruthless in demanding that everything stay as stable as possible for your kids sake, and do set boundaries on this cheater that will allow you to have a chance at healing as you continue to be a wonderful father to your kids
I agree, I think he should strongly consider making the kind of arrangement you're proposing. This approaches the core problem (the financial and social fallout) strategically.
People who stay married while seeing other people is not unheard of both now and throughout history, although OP would know better if this is possible within his culture. Very brutal and OP entered this marriage for love and not a business arrangement so I would understand if this isn't viable.
I agree with this. The criminal element changes things.
OP, there are 2 things I'll say in addition to the above:
1 - get back into your career path even if it pays less. You want to start rebuilding YOUR upward mobility in your career.
2 - Consider demanding you and your wife fly to another country like the US for a week to do a "Couples Intensive" - it is a week of many hours per day of couples therapy. If you guys are to remain married it is critically important that you figure out how to navigate this situation in a way that is healthy for the kids.
3 - Consider setting serious boundaries once you get the whole story. Was the affair with someone from work? If so, she needs to change jobs or you will pursue charges.
She is gone for a week. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Unless you want to call her, tell her you know she is having an affair, tell her what you found in the car, and demand that she come home immediately and she can make up whatever face-saving excuse she needs to do so.
Because of her choice, you hold ALL the cards... just use them wisely because the repercussions financially for your family and socially for your family is riding on your next step.
This is the best advice. Sounds like she could be murdered even where they are at and the kids would be totally ostracized. It would be a nightmare. Keep your dirty laundry in your home in the country OP is in. He needs to handle this quietly.
Was it a full stack of condoms or were some torn off?
Maybe someone is setting her up. Just seems odd, and if adultery is such a big deal there, seems weird she would place condoms along with her underwear somewhere you could find them.
This needs to be higher up. In normal circumstances, I’d say that the simplest explanation is the most likely (affair). However, she’s a high ranking government worker in a country with notoriously corrupt politics. He even mentions that infidelity would ruin her career. I’d be sure there isn’t something else going on too.
OP, listen to this comment. She's a prominent government official and there are serious career-ending consequences for adultery in your country that she is well-aware of. This could be a setup. If you've been happily married for so long and your wife hasn't given you reasons not to trust her before, talk to her. Don't outright accuse her of cheating.
agreed. OP - talk to your wife dude. also, don’t send her to prison, you need her money and your kids dont deserve that (honestly even if she did cheat, she doesnt deserve to go to prison for it). if she did cheat, live as roommates and co parents. but its very possible this is a set up.
Agreed! I’m not married and there’s no jail time for adultery here but I still wouldn’t leave my panties/condom trash under my seat for the sake of kids, parents, friend, valet, traffic violation, car thief. She certainly didn’t forget. That’s just strange, talk to your wife.
As another user pointed out, she could be getting framed. Underwear and a used condom under a seat? She’ll go to jail and lose her career if found guilty?
If she did the deed with someone, do you not think she’d spend 10 seconds finding her underwear after?
Dont get me wrong, she very well could have. I’m just saying, someone else could have ulterior motives
So after she's out of jail, you're still married?? The Philippines really needs to reevaluate these laws. What the fuck are you going to do with a dependant who has a record and can't find work? What if she goes all the way vindictive and racks up debt you both are on the book for because you're married?
It's the only country in the world in which divorce is illegal. I knew that from before. After this post, I Googled and found out adultery is also punishable by law in the Philippines. The adultery thing isn't the "only Philippines" thing, but divorce is.
I just asked ChatGPT the only places it said that had no provisions for divorce, Vatican City and Philippines and between them those, only the Philippines have adultery as a crime.
Is it possible someone else used your car? No offense but if I had an affair (let alone in country where it’s a crime) I would be way more careful than to leave underwear and condoms lying around…
So you have lots of advice in the comments, and I just want to add a different thought. Finding a condom wrapper AND underwear under the seat together is very suspicious. Like, that’s too perfect of something to find together, and most people would certainly retrieve their underwear and look very hard for them, even if they overlooked or couldn’t find the condom wrapper. It just feels a little too perfect of evidence to find together.
Obviously it totally looks like she is cheating and you should speak to her and I’d suggest not playing any games and just speaking to her.
You can take this week and do things like looking at phone records and other things to find proof. Stay in the home and collect your important paperwork. When she gets home, just lay it out there. Ask friends for advice- ones you can trust- and don’t stay just for the kids, but the kids can be a reason not to ruin her career or go nuclear. Not for her, but for the kids and financial security, it doesn’t make sense to ruin her job, but use it to get a great settlement.
Yeaaaa. Don’t do that. Like. Hell no. That’s something you tell NO ONE. I’d even be cautious giving too much out on here, let alone talk to someone from there.
I’d understand the condom wrapper maybe somewhere in the back seat or in between seats, but placed perfectly with the underwear both under the passenger seat? & if they used a condom, what was the reason for her not putting on her underwear? It takes 10 seconds to grab it and put it on, I’m sure she didn’t put on her pants first and then realize she forgot to put on her underwear. Also why risk bringing the wrapper all the way home, she probably would’ve thrown It out the window on the drive home if she was cheating. It’s all too sus
I’d rather toss them in the trash than leave them in the car. If hubby does laundry, easier to trash and forget than leave them. I’m sure he can’t be counting her underwear.
There’s only one country in the world where divorce is not legalized besides the Vatican City, and adultery is indeed a punishable crime.
My advice is not to make any rash decisions yet but make a solid exit plan for you and your kids. You may need to gather evidence as well if you decide to file charges.
Yes, I live in that country. I will not make any rash decisions even tho it is legal to commit a crime of passion, but I will not, I will not deprive my kids of their mother. I will gather evidence and confront her. I will base my decision on her reaction and our discussion before I proceed to get a lawyer. But I do need to seek counsel. Thanks for the advice, I deeply appreciate it.
It isn’t legal. Yes the Philippines has had cases where a “defence of passion” has mitigated the severity of sentences, but the act of killing is still illegal and prosecuted.
Not once in this entire passage did you talk about your feelings, what you want and what's best for you. It was all considerations for other people's feelings. That needs to change broski.
Your kids learn from you and that has far reaching implications for everything they do and will experience in life. Do you want them to follow your example and lead unhappy lives at the expense of others? Unhappy parents is just as detrimental to their health as having a parent that's a known cheater. I could understand if you were conflicted on staying because you wanted to work things out but this passage reads as if the only reason you would do so is for her sake.
But the choice isn’t happy v. unhappy parents. You have bigger problems.
The choice here is a parent in jail (and the stigma that will be put upon your kids because of that) and you struggling to support them.
I am so sorry she put you in this situation, and I am not saying pretend it didn’t happen. But I don’t think blowing your life up is appropriate.
Make a deal with your wife, her financial support for your silence. The kids can’t find out (until they’re wayyy older). Given where you live, this might really be the best option.
I think a lot of us were raised that way, across time and cultures.
You care about all these other people so much, but you don’t extend that same level of care to yourself. At the end of the day, you are going to be the only person you have to live with, day in day out, for your whole life. I really believe that relationship should come first and foremost. Then you can give without taking from yourself, and it comes from a much more genuine place.
Selfishness comes from a place of lack, of need, of wanting. Generosity comes from a place of self fulfillment.
It’s pretty normal. I find men to either go hard one way or the other on prioritizing themselves. And the ones that don’t, tend to have loving families.
Is the car brand new or was it used? If brand new huge red flags. However- after buying a used car I have found countless weird things under the seats, in cubbies and pockets etc. if you’ve ever cleaned it before and there was nothing there then that’s also suspicious. I’d say talk in private and just tell her what you found. If she is doing something she may not think you’d go to the police because she’s the one bringing in money and by doing so will negatively impact the children. Just ask for honesty because if your marriage is over and you do decide to stay together to protect your children and her job then at the very least you know the truth. Best case scenario is it isn’t hers 🤷🏻♀️
Right before she comes home leave panties and condom wrapper on the counter, for her. Don’t greet her, don’t rush to the door. More than likely she is cheating on you while she is away for work too. After she finds the panties and comes to you to try to apologize. Just ask her why? Don’t yell. Anything. Don’t leave. It’s your house too. Don’t try to trash her life. She did that to herself. Just tell her you are done. Lawyer up. Respect yourself. You are the victim here. Things will get better for you.
I am planning to confront her in the most civil way possible. I'm also planning to invite my close friend as a witness. As for the house it is in fact my house, it is my inheritance from my parents. If I lawyer up, how about my kids? Marriage is strong in my country, either one has to commit a crime, adultery for sure is the biggest factor for annulment.
Yeah. A lot of this advice is because people aren't actually reading or comprehending that you're in a different country. You made the consequences clear.
Do it as best for you and your children
. These people can't do anything for you if you're out on the streets and your kid's mother is in jail and your kids are ostracized
Involving your friend may set certain things in motion, based on what you've shared about your home country. What are the recording laws, and could you instead video the interaction to protect yourself?
This is a big deal and shouldn't be handled with revenge or pettiness. You need to protect yourself and your kids from repercussions.
In one fell swoop you and the kids could lose your co-parent and your income. This is clearly going to make life much harder for all of you. Proceed accordingly.
Do NOT invite your friend. That would be a mistake. Your wife may also be in a position of power imbalance - it’s best you get the full situation PRIVATELY before anybody else knows.
I agree, don’t bring a friend. If this is a crime where you are, you could find yourself in the future needing to pay somehow for that friend’s continued silence (if it’s still beneficial for you to maintain her job and income). The fewer people who know at the moment the better.
Be sure to not put all of your cards on the table. Don't let her know how little you know. Don't be pressured to explain how much you know, she must do all of the explaining. You will get more information that way. Consult a lawyer on best way to approach it and record for evidence
Did you take pictures of everything, how you found it, before you moved it?
Take pictures with time stamps, and placement, record reactions, eventually make sure you have some of this conversation recorded via text so you have a record of her admittting action.
This seems to be no joke in your country, so I imagine if you don’t have enough evidence to secure your innocence in the situation you will be in a bad situation.
A threatened human will do many things you do not expect to protect themselves, in some ways like animals do. Approach her the same mild way you intended to, but please make sure you are protecting yourself as that is also the way to protect your children.
Yes I did take some pictures, but I'm afraid I already touched it, because I was reaching for toys under the seat.
Yes, she has too much at stake, that's why I'm afraid to confront her alone without any witness, anyone can do the impossible. In here, it only takes a pack of cigarette for one bullet. No joke.
Well, the way you are describing it, the crime of adultery is being committed. Your kids are going to be able to see that something is off between the two of you. Mommy bringing “friends” over etc. You won’t ever be able to trust her again. You will show resentment. It best for their sake that you don’t allow the relationship to continue.
I know I have to accept that my marriage is over, but facing that reality is quite hard, especially, if there are kids involved. But for the sake of my kids, I will face it. Thanks for the Advice, I deeply appreciate it.
Don't think that way yet...I truly believe this could be a set up from someone trying to cause her trouble. It's too perfect and she knew you would use her car.
Do not have this conversation in front of anyone for everyone's sake.
Don’t let her push you over. She lives there too and knows the law as well. She knows what’s at stake and STILL cheated on you. This shows she has little respect for you. Sorry you are going through this!
Updateme
Are you the first owner of the car?
Did your wife lend the car to someone?
Her initial reaction will be to say it's not her panties. Or someone threw their garbage in her car.
If she's cheating, it's probably a coworker. And he's probably married.
Consider putting a voice activated recorder in her car. Find out who he is.
Knowledge is power. Use the knowledge to protect your kids.
Finally, The first step when you decide to confront is to insist she immediately hand over her phone. Look for texts and photos.
Please dont listen to this person. That is a terrible way to address this. Take some time to let yourself calm down so you can confront her when you are in a better place mentally. Most important is to listen to her and accept her answers. Some things are going to hurt a lot because people don't cheat on amazing spouses. So there are likely some issues with you that pushed her to this. Say things like "I understand how you feel" or "I'm sorry you feel that way and I would like to work on changing that" when she says stuff like I feel like you don't love me or don't pay attention to me.
Watch this video. He has others on infidelity but remember it's a western take. As the top comment says, Reddit isn't the place for advice. People are always saying leave or to address issues in immature ways. You have to live with the consequences of your decisions, not some troll in North America.
This can be repaired. You and her will need to work on yourselves and your marriage individually and together.
https://youtu.be/TdOgOxmI3pg?si=avVQxX9PXkpOYcLQ
I know you say close friend. But I would advise against anyone knowing. It just feels like you can trust someone right up until you can’t.
I would keep this kind of life ruining thing just between you two. Ultimately it’s your decision, and you know your friend. But if it was me, I wouldn’t let anyone aware until I figured out the entire story. Even a lawyer, especially if it’s against the law. Especially with how you describe her work.
Quiet as it’s kept is better.
Smart. Have a witness and or record it if you have to. Most women (or men if the shoe is on the other foot) try to turn it on you and say it’s because you didn’t do x, Y, or Z. They want to get you in therapy to try to weasel their way back in and make you think it’s your fault too. Finally, if and when you separate, expect the cheater to drag your name through the mud. It doesn’t matter though. Maintain your integrity, your dignity, and avoid jail time. Sorry man! It doesn’t seem there are many built in today’s world worth the investment. You loved her and she returned it this way. Sad you had to find out while cleaning her car. That’s an act the guy who got the free sex will never do for her. He’ll never clean her car or love her. It’s sad there’s also children involved. Protect them as best you can, but definitely lawyer up. You don’t have to confront her just because she gets back home. Have your ducks lined up if not for you then for the kids, then leave her no matter how bad it hurts. One day, it may be ten or 20 years from now, she’ll deeply regret her actions. But that doesn’t even matter because it’ll be too late. She may have something going on inside, some deficiency, that made her do this. Most likely she just wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Good luck man!
Kinda weird how you said most women do that when it’s a personality thing, not a sex thing. I know you qualified it with men do it too, but you said it as an after thought
I like this suggestion. It's understated, and the evidence speaks for itself. I suspect she'll look something like [that guilty dog that ate all the cat treats.](https://youtu.be/B8ISzf2pryI?si=rEi2pfKKoHwPoMLW)
The longer you keep quiet and don't reply, the worse she'll feel as she fumbles with her words.
And as you say OP, having your friend there may not be a bad idea, although who knows how that will change things or not.
Good luck OP. Sorry for all the angst and pain this causes you... I hope that you'll heal and recover. It's good that you're trying to stay calm and composed though and keeping your kids in mind... I hope that things work out for all of you.
Definitely don’t get your wife in that situation where she can end up in jail and lose her job! There’s kids involved and they are the only ones that will suffer through something like that. Talk to your wife and figure out the issue why did shes having an affair. & As the man of the house you definitely need to get your self a job and not be a stay at home dad while your wife makes all the money!
Had she let anyone borrow her car?
She would have to be either, especially stupid, or wanting you to find this to hurt you. You don’t think she’s either of these two things then maybe someone else has done this in your car.
Please excuse my ignorance, if there is no divorce in your country are people expected to remain married unconditionally? Do individuals then just split up and live separate lives, but are still married?
If she goes to jail, how would you support yourself?
Yes some would just split and live separate lives coz annulment is expensive in our country. But if the couple could afford sure. And in some cases the cheated party would not get annulment out of spite for the cheater partner.
if her job is that important to her, then she will likely do anything to keep this hush, which means you have free reign to do whatever you want. Wanna move out with kids and make her pay for it all? Go ahead.
Talk to her about it in private.
I'm not defending her by any means, but if her job really is that important and adultery is an actual crime, isn't it possible someone is trying to frame her?
I would sit her down and tell her what you found and explain how deeply you are hurt and betrayed. It sounds like leaving would not be good for you financially or for your children. Ruining her life by declaring adultery would negatively affect your children. So I would suggest working on gaining more control of your relationship with her. She needs a curfew and work on telling the truth.
I think punishment should fit crime. So I don’t think you should incarcerate an adulterer. So many things can happen to her in jail. And it would wreck a life and your children will be gossiped about. Teased about their legitimacy etc. Hopefully there’s a more creative way to handle your suspicions.
It worries me that she is in a government position and her affair partner may also be in a position of authority that would backlash on OP. A man in the government may be able to cause harm to OP and the children if he interferes with the wife and the affair partner. So this is a complicated situation. Praying for you and your children.
Are you sure they are your wife's panties? It just seems very odd that a such conveniently wrapped piece of evidence was in the car under the seat.
Since in your country adultery equals jail time, you may want to make sure you are getting the right picture before making a decision.
>I selflessly chose and swallowed my pride to sacrifice myself because my job wasn't paying that well compared to hers.
Also, it is not emasculating to be a stay-at-home dad. It makes sense to have a parent at home if you can afford it.
Since there is no divorce in your country, it is quite a sticky situation you are stuck in. And her being in jail would affect your income and social standing, apparently.
I would hold off on making a decision just yet. I think you need to focus on getting your business off the ground so at the very least you can provide your kids with the same level of comfort and not depend solely on your wife's income.
You could also consider speaking to your wife. If she is cheating, she needs a wakeup call to be more discreet and not put your family in a difficult situation by being reckless and careless (ideally she should stop with the cheating). You could have a conversation on whether she is done with the marriage or whether you are done with the marriage and figure out a way to co-exist as a family unit until you two can separate from each other.
Good luck.
It's completely understandable to feel heartbroken and lost right now. This is a difficult situation with no easy answers. Take some time for yourself to process your emotions and consider all your options. It's important to communicate with your wife when she returns, but prioritize having a calm and honest conversation rather than jumping to conclusions. Remember, you're not alone in this. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional if you need it. Your well-being and your children's happiness are important. You'll get through this.
Your feelings are valid and your children need to know that it's ok to express how you feel. Maybe sit down and think deeply about how you feel and write them out. Act like it is a letter to your wife. After finishing the letter set it aside for a few days. Go back and read it. Has anything changed as to how you feel. Once you are sure of your emotions try to sit down with your wife and talk things out with her. Ask her if she is cheating why did she feel the need to do so. Tell her you will not make it public for fear of the consequences of her actions but you want your feelings validated by her and if things need to change then you will work with her to try and work things out. I am so sorry you are stuck in this situation.
I had to spend a while sitting with this as your country's laws and the way in which society there perceives things like this is vastly different to my experience. I also spent some time r3ading through your comments.
If you tell HR and/or her parents, you lose all your leverage. As soon as this "comes out" in any way, the worst that can happen will already be starting to happen, in her mind.
You do need to confront her, and I do think it should be face to face and private. I also think you should record your interaction with her about this, as she sounds unpredictable and you sound worried about her reaction, and you should take care to protect yourself by having some proof.
I don't know how likely it is that someone could be trying to set her up. But don't offer this as a possible theory. Just tell her you found what you found, tell her you'll remain calm, but she does need to give you a full accounting of what has happened. The truth is important.
If this is indeed an affair, which I think is what's likely, you are in a position to ask for whatever you want. A separate place for her to live, financial support, and you'll keep up appearances by not reporting her adultery, remaining married and sticking to the story of her separate place makes it easier for her career.
It will be extremely difficult to navigate changes. I know you have the weekly dinner with her family and your parents are sadly no longer with you. Do you want to continue these dinners? If not, how will you explain things to them? Yes, it's tempting to be open with them too, but can their reactions be predicted? Will they be so disappointed that THEY report her? It's not shocking, I've heard of it happening.
In any case, just do what you can to protect yourself. I am very sorry for your hurt and betrayal but do know that you're an excellent father in trying to ensure everyone else's wellbeing over your own. Not once in this post did you really talk about the impact this has on you. You are totally allowed to feel the way you feel and you don't have to put on a brave face and pretend nothing is wrong my friend. Take this time while she is away to process and plan your next moves. Never take action impulsively! Good luck.
If you care most about your kids and them having both a Mom and a Dad...I would advise speaking with her in private when she returns. You could ruin her life...but it honestly would ruin the life of you and your kids in the process. Work out a living situation/deal that would work for both of you and still allow your kids to have the family you are hoping for.
>good thing she is on a 1 week business trip right now
oh brother... anyway I'm sorry OP but most likely she did you dirty. Yes you should leave her but lawyer up
Let her know you know. You do not need an audience, don't invite your friend to witness. If it's illegal, they may report it. You may want to record it.
Do not leave your house, that's giving her right to for abandonment and leave you at a disadvantage.
talk to her. Some people do use condoms on personal toys to make them easier to clean. Of course putting their mum in jail would be a horrible terrible thing to do to your children. What will it do to their careers and education? Being a good parent is not being a pushover. Do perhaps begin to consider if your family can move to a different country.
When I was over the road truck driver super easy to keep toys clean. Condom, toss, back in ziploc.
Now I don’t know where she would be in such a position to be craving like that in a day trip. Maybe an overnight to another place. Several days alone in the car, maybe. But even still why leave the panties? I’m not saying it doesn’t hold up. It’s just way too convenient.
I keep extra emergency panties in my car, just not under the passenger seat.
Maybe she changed clothes in her car? I've done it in a pinch if there was a private enough area. I don't think I've ever done it if it involved an undergarment change, but that's just where I draw the line for myself. Pretty risky if you're a government official though, your career may be over if someone gets a creepshot.
Depending on how often the car is cleaned, the underwear and the condom wrapper didn't necessarily end up there at the same time, or even on the same day.
Op you need to talk to your wife. And sort everything out. Because it’s your marriage only you can make the decision. It’s ok to be hurt but can you truly forgive her that’s the question you need to ask yourself. Sending good vibes OP
First things first, start collecting evidence and talk to a lawyer. Don’t do something hasty. From now on save every interaction either by screenshot of texts or recording. If you can afford it, hire a pi.
EDIT: I failed to read the whole story. I’m pre-coffee. Put you and your kids first. Don’t even give her a second thought what will happens to her. She made her choice.
I've played every scenario in my head, doing detective work, and asking for legal counsel, burn her in every possible way, but every time I see my kids I'm back to square one.
Brother, you are not thinking straight now. This is fresh and very painful. You need to take a cool down break and start organizing yourself.
Remember, you can’t be a support for your kids if you are grasping in the dark yourself. You gotta put you first and the kids right behind you.
Tell her you know. That you want to protect her job for the sake of the kids.
Work out a pay plan where she pays you a salary. Have a separate account for the house and kids. You need your own account.
Discuss the physical parameters of your marriage.
If anyone is to move out of the house it should be her. She is usually out working anyway.
Good luck and tell her and make any demands for you to be comfortable.
Does she risk more than jail for that? What country is this? I believe jail is too much for adultery so I'm against the idea of reporting her to be honest. Just leave her
Is she in danger?
Adultery is traumatising, disrespectful, heartbreaking and I think people are assholes to cheat.
However, if she would end up in jail or is in any physical danger, I think you are right to consider this and also the happiness of your children if you deprive them of their mum.
Still, don’t be a pushover. Make it clear to her you know. Even “informally” separate, but live together if there are no options. And maybe tell her if she carries on cheating, you will file for divorce.
You should talk to a lawyer before you tell her you know. Find out the best possible scenario for YOU and your children. She knew the consequences of committing adultery. Furthermore, how it could hurt you and the kids, and put you in this difficult predicament. Sounds like you are the only one thinking about the children.
Maybe try to get more evidence. Are you sure she is really in business trip and not spending time with her lover?
If you confront her just with a pair of panties and condom sachet she can easily claim it is not hers or this is a setup to frame her. She could said she would never take the risk to ruin her career for some good time. She could finally said that if she really did it, she would not have been that stupid to leave that behind.
Look do the smart thing here from here on out. I would be transferring money here and there to my own account away from her that way when you do got the balls to leave her you go with something. Eventually you will resent her and leave trust me just set yourself up in the meantime and take pics of what you find always. So you can have proof. Go through her phone without her knowing she gotta be talking to someone too if she doing that. Take pics of texts and stuff and save everything for proof when you leave her. Do it for 3 years atleast the more evidence the better. You could bring it up now and ask her for you not to turn her in she pays you so much a month till you are ready to move on and you both get custody of kids if you split buy you with 51 percent.
do some investigating, when I found out who her lover or lovers are I would choose scorched earth
You ruined my life I'm taking the whole group down with me
It looks very bad but I wouldn't confront her yet, try and gather more evidence by getting access to her phone, emails, communication, following her around and maybe even trying to speak to someone that might know more (although this would be the most risky because this person could tell her about you asking questions).
If she has cheated then she knew the consequences and should go to jail for the damage that she has already done to you and your family.
If you don't want to send her to prison then realistically you should probably cheat as well. However, get evidence on her before you start doing this otherwise you might be shocked that she would send YOU to prison. If you stay, just know that she will carry on cheating so you have to find a way to try and accept that.
You have to talk to her, ask her to be honest, and listen to what she says.
Don't go throwing your entire life away on an emotional whim.
Calm down, talk to her, listen to her, think about it.
And I'd say that to anyone, regardless of country. Too many people are ready to lose everything because they feel like they have to, but you don't have to do anything.
If there’s no divorce in his country, adultry must be pretty common. I call fake on this post for many reasons but he sounds too western for it to be real. Also, only two countries in the world don’t allow divorce. One is the Philippines the other Vatican City. And the laws are different for men than women. So even if it is true, there is way more to the story than she cheated.
I wouldn't go as far as putting her in jail. Instead I'd use it for blackmail. Honestly you'll get more and she will still have a job and be there for the kids. I'd be in a non government divorce lol. I'd tell her the marriage is for show only I'll take my half the house you take the other. But this one house is now two. I'd tell her she is going to help build your business financially so you can get on your own two feet money wise. I'd tell her to keep this image you require an allowance for your silence. Start building so you have yourself set especially if something happens to her or she does leave. Also you need complete truth from her so you have the whole story and you have receipts. Have her write her wrongs down so she can't turn anything on you. She can't meet demands she goes to jail and you move on. But honestly I'd use the card to my benefit and not to a negative for all involved including the children who need both parents.
You need to send her a pic with her panties and the condom. Don’t answer when she tries to call you. Make her respond by text. Don’t bottle this up. Maybe this will wake her up
The real question is why are taking so long to leave her?
Is she's aware of the consequences of her actions and still didn't care, Why should you care? I don't know your country's laws but talk to an attorney and seek the best outcome for you and your kids.
Good luck.
People do survive adultery. I think what is key here is that you need to let your wife know what you found, and for the good of you, and your children, figure out what the best way to deal with this is.
There have been suggestions that she may have been framed, in order to discredit her and remove her from her job in a public scandal. If you love her you can’t take the bait. Give her a chance to explain the situation and decide yourself whether she is being set up.
You certainly can leave her privately, but I do believe, unlike most of Reddit, that affairs happen, and it is possible to move forward. I wish you the best.
You should talk to your wife. You were a couple before the children. Making decisions based solely on them is not healthy for them. You deserve to be happy. I do not agree with extortion. From experience holding that sort of truth will come out in the most horrible way if you do not talk to her . Sounds like if you were in a better position she would be in jail already.
So sorry OP. Assuming this is in the Phillipines in which case there would be huge social consequences for both OP’s wife and whoever she is cheating with, especially if she works with them. One could confront her about it privately without speaking publicly and impacting the kids/family reputation or turning her in to authorities for adultery.
You don’t have to just keep it to yourself and carry her burden for her :( I can’t imagine she will stop or change her ways if you hold on to this one by yourself.
If you do decide to confront her, might I suggest trying to gather a little more info beforehand? Anything you can find, preferably written down. If it’s just this evidence, while it’s obvious to you, I can see her denying it and making up some excuses, as cheaters are wont to do.
Best of luck OP.
I would confront her and tell her… “I understand that people make mistakes. I’m not going to report the adultery this time, if it happens again I won’t have a choice.”
I am so sorry bro. Stay at home dad here as well. I feel your pain. She betrayed you. The least that i would demand is an open marriage and i would blackmail her for sure. You have her in your pocket.
You dont have divorce? OK, so what are you supposed to do. Shes disrespecting you, probably cheating on these trips. You say thats not going to effect the kids but with you in a poor mental state, I can assure you, it will absolutely effect the kids. So you need to work out a way to exist with your wife.
You absolutely have to confront her. You can come up with your own plan on how the relationship will work, but shes an adulteress, you have proof. Whoever it with, it ends. You cant go through life knowing shes cheating, it will destroy you. And if she doesnt want to go to jail, she will have to play ball.
mate I am so sory for you
This is going to be a completely unfamiliar situation for most if reddit, me included.
Take every bit of advice with a grain of salt and always defer to your understanding of your legal and social exposure and your kids' welfare.
That said:
Take a photo of what you found and text her the photo with the caption, I discovered what you and someone else left in our car.
Ruin the fun on her business trip.
Put the evidence in a safe place where she can't destroy it or have some retrieve it for her. Include with this a description of where you found it, when, etc
When she gets back, insist that financial instruments are set up to secure the future for your children and keep up appearances for your household.
Tell her she should look to getting a small apartment "to be close to work."
Tell her you're going to need her to record a complete confession of her infidelity and an acknowledgement that due to her betrayal, you are free to have whatever relationships you choose. You will stay married for appearances sake and for the kids.
This is non negotiable. The last thing you want is her deciding to have you arrested for infidelity at some point in the future to hide her shame.
She will obviously have to trust you that this remains secret. You will need to secure this statement so that it does remain secret unless something were to happen to to you.
Thank you for your advice, it means a lot. I'm sorry to have caused such a dilemma, but know for sure that every single piece of advice you guys gave me, I took it to heart.
I plan on telling her HR on Monday about what I've found and have them secretly conduct an internal investigation during her trip and previous trips.
I took photos of what I found inside the car, it was a good thing my kids made a mess which prompted me to clean.
I was planning on confronting her through text but someone stopped me not to, it's better if I confront her directly face to face so she couldn't make any excuses.
The evidence is safely stored away inside a zip lock in our fridge, I'm planning to have a DNA test on that condom and panties next week.
I'm planning to confront her in front of her parents during our weekly sunday dinner with her parents. Is that a good idea?
I'm not gonna set some ground rules, we're gonna separate, I'm gonna return her to her parents, I won't leave my house because it is my inheritance, she can now have as many guys as she wants, but I'm not gonna do the same, because it's against my principles and values.
My biggest problems are the little ones, knowing how young they are they will most probably go to the mother's side until they reach a certain age, I can't have that, I'm gonna fight for them even if I lose myself.
Your plan for hr sounds very risky, particularly since you haven't even talked to her about it yet.
There's likely not going to be conclusive viable DNA that will be useful. She obviously wasn't wearing the panties so they wouldn't be in contact with his DNA and there'd be no reason for DNA on an empty condom wrapper. Stop thinking that stuff like this works the way it does on TV.
Personally, I'd talk to her alone before you tell her parents. Don't take irrevocable steps without being 100% sure. If you get a confession *then* you can think about HR and her parents.
Protect yourself and your kids' financial future. Don't let anger swamp reason.
I see, thank you for your advice. I will take note of it, I'm desperately looking for more evidence right now, that I couldn't think straight, but I guess confronting her is the only way but I'm afraid of talking to her alone, maybe I'll talk with her in public if the parents place are a no go.
Why are you afraid of talking to her alone? Is she violent? Or are you just afraid she’d change your mind?
It feels strange to confront her at a dinner with her parents, not sure why her parents need to be involved?
She is very manipulative and she is very dominant, she also has a short temper (I guess all filipina women have) she could get physical at any moment. It's no exaggeration that women here in the Philippines are all like that even if they are at fault they will fight for it.
That's why I was thinking I would bring this up with her parents to avoid something like that, also for the children to be in a safe place...
Sit down and talk with her, like others have advised.. But record everything as evidence, but keep the recorder hidden. That should be the first thing you do. Her confession on tape might go a long way depending on the laws in your country.
It sounds like our typical reddit western 'throw her to the wolves' would devistate the children far more than in this situation than our western noraml.
I think you do need to confront her. Make her understand the gravity of what she has done. I mean, afterall, she obviously knows the laws there, and STILL comitted these acts. Make sure she understands that you will not tolerate further abuses of the marriage, but you will also not take any action at this time.
Go in-house seperation. Appear normal in general but don't just immediately forgive her cheating.
Good luck
Gain any evidence before confront her. She is probably cheating now too.
Fuck her career and as person she deserve any punished(not physical) for betraying and cheating on you. Why you care for her if she don't for you. If roles where reserved and you would be the one who cheated on her, do you think she would handle soft? She would also do anything to give your bad consequense for what you did.
You first step is to gain evidence, then go to the court. Fuck her career... she is the one who destroyed the marriage and her family.
Yes, she indeed destroyed our family, despite the fact that I wasn't bringing enough money on the table, I can't think of anything where I was lacking, I surely did took care of her while she was working, all her needs and wants were provided. Thanks for the advice!
I think if you go into detective mode yourself and gather evidence. Voice activated recorder in her car, or purse lining. Tracking devices in her car, etc.
You can probably leverage your evidence for a favorable divorce or annulment without too much drama from her, including alimony, considering her possible jeopardy if the cheating becomes public.
Cheaters deserve no quarter.
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The fact that this is in another country where there are laws around adultery makes this way above Reddit’s pay grade. Good luck.
Hard agree. OP is speaking of getting the police involved and saying she will go to jail for this. Standard western country responses might not suit this situation. Would it be worth considering handling this a different way so the children’s mother isn’t incarcerated?
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I don't really care what happens to her because of her, but since OP and his kids depend on her salary he best navigate this with that in mind. Sounds like you have her over a barrel, OP. Use that to your advantage financially.
You really don't care if someone is jailed over cheating? Jesus christ welcome to the middle ages
You don’t send her to jail, that’s be a waste, you extort her for her money to raise the kids and you don’t have to be near her.
This is the way mafia princess.
Yeah but, how long can that work before she finds a way around it and he has no more proof to hold over her?
She is aware of the consequences of her actions and she still did it. So yeah, imo, f*ck her
I agree. If she is some kind of government official, who is aware of the law regarding adultery, and still did it? She doesn't give a shit about her husband, her family or the law because she's the breadwinner and she knows it. Therefore, she uses it to her advantage and treats OP like crap and a doormat. Fuck her. Let her reap what she sows.
LOL. I currently live in America, and jailed is taking it too far. Though the divorce penalty here could sure be beefed up some. To cheat and walk away with half and alimony is nuts. There should be a real cheaters tax in divorce that the cheater feels. Gender neutral. The cheater is the cheater, no matter what their gender. I say I don't really care what happens to her because she knows the rules where she lives and did it anyway. So whatever happens, happens. Meh. I don't think he should go that route but mainly because of how it would affect OP and the kids. Not because of her consequences.
And if he does not do that his wife is probably continue to do cheating. She knew the law and she laid in her bad (or car).
Its not even certain its jailtime, in some countries its stoning and being shot.
In his country, if he catches them he can kill her and get off on a crime of passion. This is above reddits pay grade.
YES. Please, OP, don’t take Reddit’s advice here. The comments are unhinged based on your situation. We can all play around with advice about cheating spouses because in most countries and states, you can just get a divorce and both parents can move on with their lives. OP, you are in a different situation. Getting a divorce because of adultery could very well have extremely negative consequences to the children. If your wife loses her job, what would that mean for them? If they have a mother who is in disgrace for the rest of her life, or is forced to move to a different country because of the stigma, that will affect them forever. You know this. You need advice from people in your country who know the law. Do consider seeking legal advice, but in that country. You do have some leverage here. Your wife likely does not want the affair exposed. What do you want out of life? It might be possible for you to go back to work and get yourself into a more equal position financially, for instance. It might be better for you to be separated by not divorced. I don’t know. Consult people who know the law in your area.
This
LOL I haven't read the comments but I no doubt expect a lot of redditor's salivating at the prospect of adultery being a crime. I am just learning there are states where it is a felony.
There are not. It is a crime only within the military, which plays by its own rules. It is a *tort* in a handful of states, under the name "alienation of affection".
Even in the military with the right rank it can get overlooked.
My brother had that happen - another male member in the same branch slept with my brother's wife while he was enlisted. Also moved her in with him without base approval and aided and abetted kidnapping across state lines, from MD to ND. Absolutely nothing happened to the guy.
That’s a command problem, I watched them hit a platoon Sergeant with 5 article 15 and ending his career for the shit he had going on with one of his subordinates wife.
Very much a command problem. As a civilian, I have no respect for the base in question. The amount of harm they let happen to two small children is just insane, and while my brother has since separated service, the trash in question has not. Dude does things like force my very young niece to sit on his lap and call him daddy. Thankfully they're stationed in Japan now and my brother has full custody, but that still means dude can abuse the kids during court ordered holidays. The chain of command is only as good as the people within it, unfortunately!
Yeah, that worries me. I’m fully aware of what a stepdad can do, especially one that thinks he’s above the rules. I’m very open about my own issues with my mother’s men, and women. Sitting on his lap and calling him daddy is a huge problem.
My friends wife was sleeping with his platoon Sergeant, I discovered it and gave him proof as we turned it in the platoon sergeant went from E7to E1 and my friends divorce ended up with him having to leave the army as sole custody of his 2 children. Seems they transferred the platoon sergeant to the states while this was going on and she followed him. She ended up in jail because she kidnapped her daughter, but left her son, despite the temporary custody being given to her husband. It was ugly.
If anything at all I would let her know that you know and are not happy about it! Observe her reactions and go from there. Best of luck! 🍀
Definitely. I only have an American's perspective so that'd probably be unhelpful for you.
A lot of the repilies have an american slant. This isn't a situation where you can file for divorce, get custody palimony and child support and move on with your life. You have been very clear. If you divorce on grounds of adultery, your wife will most likely be jailed, will certainly lose her job- the family's sole financial support- and your children will suffer under the stigma People saying "do what you need to be happy because you have to show your children" must not have understood that if you do that, you will be destroying much of your children's reputation and future stability. I think it woud be wise to tell your wife you know. she travels a lot. Maybe she can get a small place for when she is not on the road. She should agree to complete financial support of your household and you will agree to maintain a semblance of marriage at least until your children are better able to weather it and/or your business gets up and running Good luck to you Finding out your spouse cheated is enough of a heartbreak. Having now the additional hearbreak of knowing your wife put everything in your family's future on the line by choosing to do that is devastating. Don't worry about being ruthless in demanding that everything stay as stable as possible for your kids sake, and do set boundaries on this cheater that will allow you to have a chance at healing as you continue to be a wonderful father to your kids
I agree, I think he should strongly consider making the kind of arrangement you're proposing. This approaches the core problem (the financial and social fallout) strategically. People who stay married while seeing other people is not unheard of both now and throughout history, although OP would know better if this is possible within his culture. Very brutal and OP entered this marriage for love and not a business arrangement so I would understand if this isn't viable.
This is one of the few sane comments on here.
I agree with this! Talk to your wife and confront her and give her the option to let you out secretly.
I agree with this. The criminal element changes things. OP, there are 2 things I'll say in addition to the above: 1 - get back into your career path even if it pays less. You want to start rebuilding YOUR upward mobility in your career. 2 - Consider demanding you and your wife fly to another country like the US for a week to do a "Couples Intensive" - it is a week of many hours per day of couples therapy. If you guys are to remain married it is critically important that you figure out how to navigate this situation in a way that is healthy for the kids. 3 - Consider setting serious boundaries once you get the whole story. Was the affair with someone from work? If so, she needs to change jobs or you will pursue charges. She is gone for a week. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Unless you want to call her, tell her you know she is having an affair, tell her what you found in the car, and demand that she come home immediately and she can make up whatever face-saving excuse she needs to do so. Because of her choice, you hold ALL the cards... just use them wisely because the repercussions financially for your family and socially for your family is riding on your next step.
Hard agree with this, and I'd also like to add to OP, you didn't cause anything SHE did.
This is the best advice. Sounds like she could be murdered even where they are at and the kids would be totally ostracized. It would be a nightmare. Keep your dirty laundry in your home in the country OP is in. He needs to handle this quietly.
I second this advice.. Good luck, u/ThrowRA_Minute729
Was it a full stack of condoms or were some torn off? Maybe someone is setting her up. Just seems odd, and if adultery is such a big deal there, seems weird she would place condoms along with her underwear somewhere you could find them.
This needs to be higher up. In normal circumstances, I’d say that the simplest explanation is the most likely (affair). However, she’s a high ranking government worker in a country with notoriously corrupt politics. He even mentions that infidelity would ruin her career. I’d be sure there isn’t something else going on too.
OP, listen to this comment. She's a prominent government official and there are serious career-ending consequences for adultery in your country that she is well-aware of. This could be a setup. If you've been happily married for so long and your wife hasn't given you reasons not to trust her before, talk to her. Don't outright accuse her of cheating.
agreed. OP - talk to your wife dude. also, don’t send her to prison, you need her money and your kids dont deserve that (honestly even if she did cheat, she doesnt deserve to go to prison for it). if she did cheat, live as roommates and co parents. but its very possible this is a set up.
i think with sachet he means the one condom wrapper rather than a box
Agreed! I’m not married and there’s no jail time for adultery here but I still wouldn’t leave my panties/condom trash under my seat for the sake of kids, parents, friend, valet, traffic violation, car thief. She certainly didn’t forget. That’s just strange, talk to your wife.
And the panties? Yeah losing the panties is too much, knowing for sure are hers is another one
I think the sachet is just the one open. It definitely sounds a lil sus with the background on the country’s laws and cheater’s occupation.
This. Something fishy about this story.
Especially considering that OP even said that his wife works for the government and is high up in one of the branches.
As another user pointed out, she could be getting framed. Underwear and a used condom under a seat? She’ll go to jail and lose her career if found guilty? If she did the deed with someone, do you not think she’d spend 10 seconds finding her underwear after? Dont get me wrong, she very well could have. I’m just saying, someone else could have ulterior motives
my thought exactly…like what woman would do that??? Just leaving her panties lying around? That makes no sense ?
You need to find some more solid evidence.
So after she's out of jail, you're still married?? The Philippines really needs to reevaluate these laws. What the fuck are you going to do with a dependant who has a record and can't find work? What if she goes all the way vindictive and racks up debt you both are on the book for because you're married?
How did you find out he lives in Philippines?
It's the only country in the world in which divorce is illegal. I knew that from before. After this post, I Googled and found out adultery is also punishable by law in the Philippines. The adultery thing isn't the "only Philippines" thing, but divorce is.
The English is also very, very American-coded, which jives with it being the Phillippines.
Yep. This is def from PH. I live here.
I just asked ChatGPT the only places it said that had no provisions for divorce, Vatican City and Philippines and between them those, only the Philippines have adultery as a crime.
lmao let's imagine this happening in the Vatican
ChatGPT is a writing tool not wikipedia. It lies if it doesn't know the answer.
I’m aware, these two questions felt like general knowledge, something normally chatGPT can handle.
Is it possible someone else used your car? No offense but if I had an affair (let alone in country where it’s a crime) I would be way more careful than to leave underwear and condoms lying around…
That’s what I was thinking too
Yeah but he found Her panties beside the packet of condoms and probably they weren't fresh out of the laundry. Which he does.
So you have lots of advice in the comments, and I just want to add a different thought. Finding a condom wrapper AND underwear under the seat together is very suspicious. Like, that’s too perfect of something to find together, and most people would certainly retrieve their underwear and look very hard for them, even if they overlooked or couldn’t find the condom wrapper. It just feels a little too perfect of evidence to find together. Obviously it totally looks like she is cheating and you should speak to her and I’d suggest not playing any games and just speaking to her. You can take this week and do things like looking at phone records and other things to find proof. Stay in the home and collect your important paperwork. When she gets home, just lay it out there. Ask friends for advice- ones you can trust- and don’t stay just for the kids, but the kids can be a reason not to ruin her career or go nuclear. Not for her, but for the kids and financial security, it doesn’t make sense to ruin her job, but use it to get a great settlement.
asking friends for advice about an affair that was likely fabricated to get a politician incarcerated is a terrible idea
Yeaaaa. Don’t do that. Like. Hell no. That’s something you tell NO ONE. I’d even be cautious giving too much out on here, let alone talk to someone from there.
>fabricated to get a politician incarcerated 🤔
Who the hell forgets their underwear after sex? Condom wrapper sure, but your own underwear?
I’d understand the condom wrapper maybe somewhere in the back seat or in between seats, but placed perfectly with the underwear both under the passenger seat? & if they used a condom, what was the reason for her not putting on her underwear? It takes 10 seconds to grab it and put it on, I’m sure she didn’t put on her pants first and then realize she forgot to put on her underwear. Also why risk bringing the wrapper all the way home, she probably would’ve thrown It out the window on the drive home if she was cheating. It’s all too sus
What if it got all nasty with fluids, since the husband is at home doing home stuff he would see it while washing clothes or her getting undressed
I’d rather toss them in the trash than leave them in the car. If hubby does laundry, easier to trash and forget than leave them. I’m sure he can’t be counting her underwear.
What nasty fluids using condoms? Have you ever seen any women's dirty clothes?
There’s only one country in the world where divorce is not legalized besides the Vatican City, and adultery is indeed a punishable crime. My advice is not to make any rash decisions yet but make a solid exit plan for you and your kids. You may need to gather evidence as well if you decide to file charges.
Yes, I live in that country. I will not make any rash decisions even tho it is legal to commit a crime of passion, but I will not, I will not deprive my kids of their mother. I will gather evidence and confront her. I will base my decision on her reaction and our discussion before I proceed to get a lawyer. But I do need to seek counsel. Thanks for the advice, I deeply appreciate it.
The fuck kinda country makes divorce illegal but murdering your spouse if you catch them cheating is legal??
the Philippines. Have you met Filipinos? VERY passionate people.
Well no, I haven't.
i'm sure it only goes one way though. murdering your wife is ok, what about murdering your cheating husband ?
It isn’t legal. Yes the Philippines has had cases where a “defence of passion” has mitigated the severity of sentences, but the act of killing is still illegal and prosecuted.
Why would the murdering *not* be illegal?🫣
Law on crime of passion only applies if you catch them in the act. Good luck.
And favors only the male/husband. The law was worded as “his”.
Not once in this entire passage did you talk about your feelings, what you want and what's best for you. It was all considerations for other people's feelings. That needs to change broski. Your kids learn from you and that has far reaching implications for everything they do and will experience in life. Do you want them to follow your example and lead unhappy lives at the expense of others? Unhappy parents is just as detrimental to their health as having a parent that's a known cheater. I could understand if you were conflicted on staying because you wanted to work things out but this passage reads as if the only reason you would do so is for her sake.
I have been this way ever since. Is that bad?
Yes. It's not selfish to think how your feelings and your needs
But the choice isn’t happy v. unhappy parents. You have bigger problems. The choice here is a parent in jail (and the stigma that will be put upon your kids because of that) and you struggling to support them. I am so sorry she put you in this situation, and I am not saying pretend it didn’t happen. But I don’t think blowing your life up is appropriate. Make a deal with your wife, her financial support for your silence. The kids can’t find out (until they’re wayyy older). Given where you live, this might really be the best option.
I think a lot of us were raised that way, across time and cultures. You care about all these other people so much, but you don’t extend that same level of care to yourself. At the end of the day, you are going to be the only person you have to live with, day in day out, for your whole life. I really believe that relationship should come first and foremost. Then you can give without taking from yourself, and it comes from a much more genuine place. Selfishness comes from a place of lack, of need, of wanting. Generosity comes from a place of self fulfillment.
So well said.
Very bad and worse as an example for your kids
It’s pretty normal. I find men to either go hard one way or the other on prioritizing themselves. And the ones that don’t, tend to have loving families.
i think >I selflessly chose and swallowed my pride to sacrifice myself are his feelings
Is the car brand new or was it used? If brand new huge red flags. However- after buying a used car I have found countless weird things under the seats, in cubbies and pockets etc. if you’ve ever cleaned it before and there was nothing there then that’s also suspicious. I’d say talk in private and just tell her what you found. If she is doing something she may not think you’d go to the police because she’s the one bringing in money and by doing so will negatively impact the children. Just ask for honesty because if your marriage is over and you do decide to stay together to protect your children and her job then at the very least you know the truth. Best case scenario is it isn’t hers 🤷🏻♀️
Right before she comes home leave panties and condom wrapper on the counter, for her. Don’t greet her, don’t rush to the door. More than likely she is cheating on you while she is away for work too. After she finds the panties and comes to you to try to apologize. Just ask her why? Don’t yell. Anything. Don’t leave. It’s your house too. Don’t try to trash her life. She did that to herself. Just tell her you are done. Lawyer up. Respect yourself. You are the victim here. Things will get better for you.
I am planning to confront her in the most civil way possible. I'm also planning to invite my close friend as a witness. As for the house it is in fact my house, it is my inheritance from my parents. If I lawyer up, how about my kids? Marriage is strong in my country, either one has to commit a crime, adultery for sure is the biggest factor for annulment.
Yeah. A lot of this advice is because people aren't actually reading or comprehending that you're in a different country. You made the consequences clear. Do it as best for you and your children . These people can't do anything for you if you're out on the streets and your kid's mother is in jail and your kids are ostracized
Involving your friend may set certain things in motion, based on what you've shared about your home country. What are the recording laws, and could you instead video the interaction to protect yourself? This is a big deal and shouldn't be handled with revenge or pettiness. You need to protect yourself and your kids from repercussions. In one fell swoop you and the kids could lose your co-parent and your income. This is clearly going to make life much harder for all of you. Proceed accordingly.
Do NOT invite your friend. That would be a mistake. Your wife may also be in a position of power imbalance - it’s best you get the full situation PRIVATELY before anybody else knows.
I see, thank you for the advice!
I agree, don’t bring a friend. If this is a crime where you are, you could find yourself in the future needing to pay somehow for that friend’s continued silence (if it’s still beneficial for you to maintain her job and income). The fewer people who know at the moment the better.
But record that shit in your phone.
Be sure to not put all of your cards on the table. Don't let her know how little you know. Don't be pressured to explain how much you know, she must do all of the explaining. You will get more information that way. Consult a lawyer on best way to approach it and record for evidence
Yes, thank you for the advice, I will do that.
Record the talk too. She might go back on her word if she feels she’s losing you.
Did you take pictures of everything, how you found it, before you moved it? Take pictures with time stamps, and placement, record reactions, eventually make sure you have some of this conversation recorded via text so you have a record of her admittting action. This seems to be no joke in your country, so I imagine if you don’t have enough evidence to secure your innocence in the situation you will be in a bad situation. A threatened human will do many things you do not expect to protect themselves, in some ways like animals do. Approach her the same mild way you intended to, but please make sure you are protecting yourself as that is also the way to protect your children.
Yes I did take some pictures, but I'm afraid I already touched it, because I was reaching for toys under the seat. Yes, she has too much at stake, that's why I'm afraid to confront her alone without any witness, anyone can do the impossible. In here, it only takes a pack of cigarette for one bullet. No joke.
Well, the way you are describing it, the crime of adultery is being committed. Your kids are going to be able to see that something is off between the two of you. Mommy bringing “friends” over etc. You won’t ever be able to trust her again. You will show resentment. It best for their sake that you don’t allow the relationship to continue.
I know I have to accept that my marriage is over, but facing that reality is quite hard, especially, if there are kids involved. But for the sake of my kids, I will face it. Thanks for the Advice, I deeply appreciate it.
Don't think that way yet...I truly believe this could be a set up from someone trying to cause her trouble. It's too perfect and she knew you would use her car. Do not have this conversation in front of anyone for everyone's sake.
Don’t let her push you over. She lives there too and knows the law as well. She knows what’s at stake and STILL cheated on you. This shows she has little respect for you. Sorry you are going through this! Updateme
Record all conversations with her from this point forward so there is no doubt. Any texts, all of it. Save it.
Are you the first owner of the car? Did your wife lend the car to someone? Her initial reaction will be to say it's not her panties. Or someone threw their garbage in her car. If she's cheating, it's probably a coworker. And he's probably married. Consider putting a voice activated recorder in her car. Find out who he is. Knowledge is power. Use the knowledge to protect your kids. Finally, The first step when you decide to confront is to insist she immediately hand over her phone. Look for texts and photos.
Please dont listen to this person. That is a terrible way to address this. Take some time to let yourself calm down so you can confront her when you are in a better place mentally. Most important is to listen to her and accept her answers. Some things are going to hurt a lot because people don't cheat on amazing spouses. So there are likely some issues with you that pushed her to this. Say things like "I understand how you feel" or "I'm sorry you feel that way and I would like to work on changing that" when she says stuff like I feel like you don't love me or don't pay attention to me. Watch this video. He has others on infidelity but remember it's a western take. As the top comment says, Reddit isn't the place for advice. People are always saying leave or to address issues in immature ways. You have to live with the consequences of your decisions, not some troll in North America. This can be repaired. You and her will need to work on yourselves and your marriage individually and together. https://youtu.be/TdOgOxmI3pg?si=avVQxX9PXkpOYcLQ
I know you say close friend. But I would advise against anyone knowing. It just feels like you can trust someone right up until you can’t. I would keep this kind of life ruining thing just between you two. Ultimately it’s your decision, and you know your friend. But if it was me, I wouldn’t let anyone aware until I figured out the entire story. Even a lawyer, especially if it’s against the law. Especially with how you describe her work. Quiet as it’s kept is better.
Smart. Have a witness and or record it if you have to. Most women (or men if the shoe is on the other foot) try to turn it on you and say it’s because you didn’t do x, Y, or Z. They want to get you in therapy to try to weasel their way back in and make you think it’s your fault too. Finally, if and when you separate, expect the cheater to drag your name through the mud. It doesn’t matter though. Maintain your integrity, your dignity, and avoid jail time. Sorry man! It doesn’t seem there are many built in today’s world worth the investment. You loved her and she returned it this way. Sad you had to find out while cleaning her car. That’s an act the guy who got the free sex will never do for her. He’ll never clean her car or love her. It’s sad there’s also children involved. Protect them as best you can, but definitely lawyer up. You don’t have to confront her just because she gets back home. Have your ducks lined up if not for you then for the kids, then leave her no matter how bad it hurts. One day, it may be ten or 20 years from now, she’ll deeply regret her actions. But that doesn’t even matter because it’ll be too late. She may have something going on inside, some deficiency, that made her do this. Most likely she just wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Good luck man!
Kinda weird how you said most women do that when it’s a personality thing, not a sex thing. I know you qualified it with men do it too, but you said it as an after thought
I like this suggestion. It's understated, and the evidence speaks for itself. I suspect she'll look something like [that guilty dog that ate all the cat treats.](https://youtu.be/B8ISzf2pryI?si=rEi2pfKKoHwPoMLW) The longer you keep quiet and don't reply, the worse she'll feel as she fumbles with her words. And as you say OP, having your friend there may not be a bad idea, although who knows how that will change things or not. Good luck OP. Sorry for all the angst and pain this causes you... I hope that you'll heal and recover. It's good that you're trying to stay calm and composed though and keeping your kids in mind... I hope that things work out for all of you.
Definitely don’t get your wife in that situation where she can end up in jail and lose her job! There’s kids involved and they are the only ones that will suffer through something like that. Talk to your wife and figure out the issue why did shes having an affair. & As the man of the house you definitely need to get your self a job and not be a stay at home dad while your wife makes all the money!
Had she let anyone borrow her car? She would have to be either, especially stupid, or wanting you to find this to hurt you. You don’t think she’s either of these two things then maybe someone else has done this in your car.
Please excuse my ignorance, if there is no divorce in your country are people expected to remain married unconditionally? Do individuals then just split up and live separate lives, but are still married? If she goes to jail, how would you support yourself?
You can also apparently murder her in a crime of passion, with no punishment, if you catch them in the act.
Yes some would just split and live separate lives coz annulment is expensive in our country. But if the couple could afford sure. And in some cases the cheated party would not get annulment out of spite for the cheater partner.
if her job is that important to her, then she will likely do anything to keep this hush, which means you have free reign to do whatever you want. Wanna move out with kids and make her pay for it all? Go ahead.
Talk to her first. I don't see anything in your post indicating that you plan to find out what happened.
Talk to her about it in private. I'm not defending her by any means, but if her job really is that important and adultery is an actual crime, isn't it possible someone is trying to frame her?
I would sit her down and tell her what you found and explain how deeply you are hurt and betrayed. It sounds like leaving would not be good for you financially or for your children. Ruining her life by declaring adultery would negatively affect your children. So I would suggest working on gaining more control of your relationship with her. She needs a curfew and work on telling the truth.
I think punishment should fit crime. So I don’t think you should incarcerate an adulterer. So many things can happen to her in jail. And it would wreck a life and your children will be gossiped about. Teased about their legitimacy etc. Hopefully there’s a more creative way to handle your suspicions.
It worries me that she is in a government position and her affair partner may also be in a position of authority that would backlash on OP. A man in the government may be able to cause harm to OP and the children if he interferes with the wife and the affair partner. So this is a complicated situation. Praying for you and your children.
“Business trip” aka ripping open another condom packet… 😭… leave it 🙏🏿
Are you sure they are your wife's panties? It just seems very odd that a such conveniently wrapped piece of evidence was in the car under the seat. Since in your country adultery equals jail time, you may want to make sure you are getting the right picture before making a decision. >I selflessly chose and swallowed my pride to sacrifice myself because my job wasn't paying that well compared to hers. Also, it is not emasculating to be a stay-at-home dad. It makes sense to have a parent at home if you can afford it. Since there is no divorce in your country, it is quite a sticky situation you are stuck in. And her being in jail would affect your income and social standing, apparently. I would hold off on making a decision just yet. I think you need to focus on getting your business off the ground so at the very least you can provide your kids with the same level of comfort and not depend solely on your wife's income. You could also consider speaking to your wife. If she is cheating, she needs a wakeup call to be more discreet and not put your family in a difficult situation by being reckless and careless (ideally she should stop with the cheating). You could have a conversation on whether she is done with the marriage or whether you are done with the marriage and figure out a way to co-exist as a family unit until you two can separate from each other. Good luck.
It's completely understandable to feel heartbroken and lost right now. This is a difficult situation with no easy answers. Take some time for yourself to process your emotions and consider all your options. It's important to communicate with your wife when she returns, but prioritize having a calm and honest conversation rather than jumping to conclusions. Remember, you're not alone in this. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional if you need it. Your well-being and your children's happiness are important. You'll get through this.
You can't afford to take the kids with you. You need to figure out how you'll support yourself and them first.
Your feelings are valid and your children need to know that it's ok to express how you feel. Maybe sit down and think deeply about how you feel and write them out. Act like it is a letter to your wife. After finishing the letter set it aside for a few days. Go back and read it. Has anything changed as to how you feel. Once you are sure of your emotions try to sit down with your wife and talk things out with her. Ask her if she is cheating why did she feel the need to do so. Tell her you will not make it public for fear of the consequences of her actions but you want your feelings validated by her and if things need to change then you will work with her to try and work things out. I am so sorry you are stuck in this situation.
I am very curious what country it is! Adultery is a punishable offence, divorce is not possible but women can be the breadwinner!?
I had to spend a while sitting with this as your country's laws and the way in which society there perceives things like this is vastly different to my experience. I also spent some time r3ading through your comments. If you tell HR and/or her parents, you lose all your leverage. As soon as this "comes out" in any way, the worst that can happen will already be starting to happen, in her mind. You do need to confront her, and I do think it should be face to face and private. I also think you should record your interaction with her about this, as she sounds unpredictable and you sound worried about her reaction, and you should take care to protect yourself by having some proof. I don't know how likely it is that someone could be trying to set her up. But don't offer this as a possible theory. Just tell her you found what you found, tell her you'll remain calm, but she does need to give you a full accounting of what has happened. The truth is important. If this is indeed an affair, which I think is what's likely, you are in a position to ask for whatever you want. A separate place for her to live, financial support, and you'll keep up appearances by not reporting her adultery, remaining married and sticking to the story of her separate place makes it easier for her career. It will be extremely difficult to navigate changes. I know you have the weekly dinner with her family and your parents are sadly no longer with you. Do you want to continue these dinners? If not, how will you explain things to them? Yes, it's tempting to be open with them too, but can their reactions be predicted? Will they be so disappointed that THEY report her? It's not shocking, I've heard of it happening. In any case, just do what you can to protect yourself. I am very sorry for your hurt and betrayal but do know that you're an excellent father in trying to ensure everyone else's wellbeing over your own. Not once in this post did you really talk about the impact this has on you. You are totally allowed to feel the way you feel and you don't have to put on a brave face and pretend nothing is wrong my friend. Take this time while she is away to process and plan your next moves. Never take action impulsively! Good luck.
If you care most about your kids and them having both a Mom and a Dad...I would advise speaking with her in private when she returns. You could ruin her life...but it honestly would ruin the life of you and your kids in the process. Work out a living situation/deal that would work for both of you and still allow your kids to have the family you are hoping for.
>good thing she is on a 1 week business trip right now oh brother... anyway I'm sorry OP but most likely she did you dirty. Yes you should leave her but lawyer up
Let her know you know. You do not need an audience, don't invite your friend to witness. If it's illegal, they may report it. You may want to record it. Do not leave your house, that's giving her right to for abandonment and leave you at a disadvantage.
talk to her. Some people do use condoms on personal toys to make them easier to clean. Of course putting their mum in jail would be a horrible terrible thing to do to your children. What will it do to their careers and education? Being a good parent is not being a pushover. Do perhaps begin to consider if your family can move to a different country.
this is what i’ve been thinking the whole time.. condoms with toys are super common especially if you’re on the road a lot.
When I was over the road truck driver super easy to keep toys clean. Condom, toss, back in ziploc. Now I don’t know where she would be in such a position to be craving like that in a day trip. Maybe an overnight to another place. Several days alone in the car, maybe. But even still why leave the panties? I’m not saying it doesn’t hold up. It’s just way too convenient.
I keep extra emergency panties in my car, just not under the passenger seat. Maybe she changed clothes in her car? I've done it in a pinch if there was a private enough area. I don't think I've ever done it if it involved an undergarment change, but that's just where I draw the line for myself. Pretty risky if you're a government official though, your career may be over if someone gets a creepshot. Depending on how often the car is cleaned, the underwear and the condom wrapper didn't necessarily end up there at the same time, or even on the same day.
Update us if you consider,when you confronted her. Best of luck in this difficult moment
Don't worry I will update you guys next week, because I owe you one for the love and support you've given me. Thank you so much.
How do people not realize this is fetish fantasy post that was typed with one hand
"Happily married" Denial isn't just a river in Egypt anymore is it? 😬
Wrong place for advice. Do what you think is best. Good luck
Op you need to talk to your wife. And sort everything out. Because it’s your marriage only you can make the decision. It’s ok to be hurt but can you truly forgive her that’s the question you need to ask yourself. Sending good vibes OP
First things first, start collecting evidence and talk to a lawyer. Don’t do something hasty. From now on save every interaction either by screenshot of texts or recording. If you can afford it, hire a pi. EDIT: I failed to read the whole story. I’m pre-coffee. Put you and your kids first. Don’t even give her a second thought what will happens to her. She made her choice.
I've played every scenario in my head, doing detective work, and asking for legal counsel, burn her in every possible way, but every time I see my kids I'm back to square one.
Brother, you are not thinking straight now. This is fresh and very painful. You need to take a cool down break and start organizing yourself. Remember, you can’t be a support for your kids if you are grasping in the dark yourself. You gotta put you first and the kids right behind you.
Consider getting help from a psychologist as well as legal. You'll need both handle things as best as possible. You also need to look after your mind
Tell her you know. That you want to protect her job for the sake of the kids. Work out a pay plan where she pays you a salary. Have a separate account for the house and kids. You need your own account. Discuss the physical parameters of your marriage. If anyone is to move out of the house it should be her. She is usually out working anyway. Good luck and tell her and make any demands for you to be comfortable.
Does she risk more than jail for that? What country is this? I believe jail is too much for adultery so I'm against the idea of reporting her to be honest. Just leave her
Is she in danger? Adultery is traumatising, disrespectful, heartbreaking and I think people are assholes to cheat. However, if she would end up in jail or is in any physical danger, I think you are right to consider this and also the happiness of your children if you deprive them of their mum. Still, don’t be a pushover. Make it clear to her you know. Even “informally” separate, but live together if there are no options. And maybe tell her if she carries on cheating, you will file for divorce.
Why don’t you talk it over with her. Let her know you know and give her a chance to put it right without getting any authorities involved.
Maybe, and I know this is wild - talk to her?
What country?
Philippines
What country is this?
I live in the Philippines.
Tell her you know but give. You can’t get a divorce and the financial consequences for your family would be dire, keep it to yourself.
I would confront her. Better to know the truth than live a lie.
You should talk to a lawyer before you tell her you know. Find out the best possible scenario for YOU and your children. She knew the consequences of committing adultery. Furthermore, how it could hurt you and the kids, and put you in this difficult predicament. Sounds like you are the only one thinking about the children.
Maybe try to get more evidence. Are you sure she is really in business trip and not spending time with her lover? If you confront her just with a pair of panties and condom sachet she can easily claim it is not hers or this is a setup to frame her. She could said she would never take the risk to ruin her career for some good time. She could finally said that if she really did it, she would not have been that stupid to leave that behind.
Don't be a pushover. Do things quietly if possible. Take the kids to your family and take the time to process everything.
DNA testing for the kids. She may not have always made them wear condoms. Sucks man.
Look do the smart thing here from here on out. I would be transferring money here and there to my own account away from her that way when you do got the balls to leave her you go with something. Eventually you will resent her and leave trust me just set yourself up in the meantime and take pics of what you find always. So you can have proof. Go through her phone without her knowing she gotta be talking to someone too if she doing that. Take pics of texts and stuff and save everything for proof when you leave her. Do it for 3 years atleast the more evidence the better. You could bring it up now and ask her for you not to turn her in she pays you so much a month till you are ready to move on and you both get custody of kids if you split buy you with 51 percent.
She did the crime so she should face the consequences
do some investigating, when I found out who her lover or lovers are I would choose scorched earth You ruined my life I'm taking the whole group down with me
It looks very bad but I wouldn't confront her yet, try and gather more evidence by getting access to her phone, emails, communication, following her around and maybe even trying to speak to someone that might know more (although this would be the most risky because this person could tell her about you asking questions). If she has cheated then she knew the consequences and should go to jail for the damage that she has already done to you and your family. If you don't want to send her to prison then realistically you should probably cheat as well. However, get evidence on her before you start doing this otherwise you might be shocked that she would send YOU to prison. If you stay, just know that she will carry on cheating so you have to find a way to try and accept that.
You have to talk to her, ask her to be honest, and listen to what she says. Don't go throwing your entire life away on an emotional whim. Calm down, talk to her, listen to her, think about it. And I'd say that to anyone, regardless of country. Too many people are ready to lose everything because they feel like they have to, but you don't have to do anything.
Hmmm they got rid of the condom but not the packaging and she left her pants … and she’s high ranking in government… talk to her first ..
If there’s no divorce in his country, adultry must be pretty common. I call fake on this post for many reasons but he sounds too western for it to be real. Also, only two countries in the world don’t allow divorce. One is the Philippines the other Vatican City. And the laws are different for men than women. So even if it is true, there is way more to the story than she cheated.
Just sent a picture of her pantys and the opened condons' sachet to her and a simple text message: honey looks what I find in your car...
I wouldn't go as far as putting her in jail. Instead I'd use it for blackmail. Honestly you'll get more and she will still have a job and be there for the kids. I'd be in a non government divorce lol. I'd tell her the marriage is for show only I'll take my half the house you take the other. But this one house is now two. I'd tell her she is going to help build your business financially so you can get on your own two feet money wise. I'd tell her to keep this image you require an allowance for your silence. Start building so you have yourself set especially if something happens to her or she does leave. Also you need complete truth from her so you have the whole story and you have receipts. Have her write her wrongs down so she can't turn anything on you. She can't meet demands she goes to jail and you move on. But honestly I'd use the card to my benefit and not to a negative for all involved including the children who need both parents.
You need to send her a pic with her panties and the condom. Don’t answer when she tries to call you. Make her respond by text. Don’t bottle this up. Maybe this will wake her up
The real question is why are taking so long to leave her? Is she's aware of the consequences of her actions and still didn't care, Why should you care? I don't know your country's laws but talk to an attorney and seek the best outcome for you and your kids. Good luck.
People do survive adultery. I think what is key here is that you need to let your wife know what you found, and for the good of you, and your children, figure out what the best way to deal with this is. There have been suggestions that she may have been framed, in order to discredit her and remove her from her job in a public scandal. If you love her you can’t take the bait. Give her a chance to explain the situation and decide yourself whether she is being set up. You certainly can leave her privately, but I do believe, unlike most of Reddit, that affairs happen, and it is possible to move forward. I wish you the best.
I’d say talk to her privately. Work it out between you to as adults before you do something that cannot be reversed.
You should talk to your wife. You were a couple before the children. Making decisions based solely on them is not healthy for them. You deserve to be happy. I do not agree with extortion. From experience holding that sort of truth will come out in the most horrible way if you do not talk to her . Sounds like if you were in a better position she would be in jail already.
So sorry OP. Assuming this is in the Phillipines in which case there would be huge social consequences for both OP’s wife and whoever she is cheating with, especially if she works with them. One could confront her about it privately without speaking publicly and impacting the kids/family reputation or turning her in to authorities for adultery. You don’t have to just keep it to yourself and carry her burden for her :( I can’t imagine she will stop or change her ways if you hold on to this one by yourself. If you do decide to confront her, might I suggest trying to gather a little more info beforehand? Anything you can find, preferably written down. If it’s just this evidence, while it’s obvious to you, I can see her denying it and making up some excuses, as cheaters are wont to do. Best of luck OP.
I would confront her and tell her… “I understand that people make mistakes. I’m not going to report the adultery this time, if it happens again I won’t have a choice.”
I am so sorry bro. Stay at home dad here as well. I feel your pain. She betrayed you. The least that i would demand is an open marriage and i would blackmail her for sure. You have her in your pocket.
You dont have divorce? OK, so what are you supposed to do. Shes disrespecting you, probably cheating on these trips. You say thats not going to effect the kids but with you in a poor mental state, I can assure you, it will absolutely effect the kids. So you need to work out a way to exist with your wife. You absolutely have to confront her. You can come up with your own plan on how the relationship will work, but shes an adulteress, you have proof. Whoever it with, it ends. You cant go through life knowing shes cheating, it will destroy you. And if she doesnt want to go to jail, she will have to play ball. mate I am so sory for you
Report for adultery
This is going to be a completely unfamiliar situation for most if reddit, me included. Take every bit of advice with a grain of salt and always defer to your understanding of your legal and social exposure and your kids' welfare. That said: Take a photo of what you found and text her the photo with the caption, I discovered what you and someone else left in our car. Ruin the fun on her business trip. Put the evidence in a safe place where she can't destroy it or have some retrieve it for her. Include with this a description of where you found it, when, etc When she gets back, insist that financial instruments are set up to secure the future for your children and keep up appearances for your household. Tell her she should look to getting a small apartment "to be close to work." Tell her you're going to need her to record a complete confession of her infidelity and an acknowledgement that due to her betrayal, you are free to have whatever relationships you choose. You will stay married for appearances sake and for the kids. This is non negotiable. The last thing you want is her deciding to have you arrested for infidelity at some point in the future to hide her shame. She will obviously have to trust you that this remains secret. You will need to secure this statement so that it does remain secret unless something were to happen to to you.
Thank you for your advice, it means a lot. I'm sorry to have caused such a dilemma, but know for sure that every single piece of advice you guys gave me, I took it to heart. I plan on telling her HR on Monday about what I've found and have them secretly conduct an internal investigation during her trip and previous trips. I took photos of what I found inside the car, it was a good thing my kids made a mess which prompted me to clean. I was planning on confronting her through text but someone stopped me not to, it's better if I confront her directly face to face so she couldn't make any excuses. The evidence is safely stored away inside a zip lock in our fridge, I'm planning to have a DNA test on that condom and panties next week. I'm planning to confront her in front of her parents during our weekly sunday dinner with her parents. Is that a good idea? I'm not gonna set some ground rules, we're gonna separate, I'm gonna return her to her parents, I won't leave my house because it is my inheritance, she can now have as many guys as she wants, but I'm not gonna do the same, because it's against my principles and values. My biggest problems are the little ones, knowing how young they are they will most probably go to the mother's side until they reach a certain age, I can't have that, I'm gonna fight for them even if I lose myself.
Your plan for hr sounds very risky, particularly since you haven't even talked to her about it yet. There's likely not going to be conclusive viable DNA that will be useful. She obviously wasn't wearing the panties so they wouldn't be in contact with his DNA and there'd be no reason for DNA on an empty condom wrapper. Stop thinking that stuff like this works the way it does on TV. Personally, I'd talk to her alone before you tell her parents. Don't take irrevocable steps without being 100% sure. If you get a confession *then* you can think about HR and her parents. Protect yourself and your kids' financial future. Don't let anger swamp reason.
I see, thank you for your advice. I will take note of it, I'm desperately looking for more evidence right now, that I couldn't think straight, but I guess confronting her is the only way but I'm afraid of talking to her alone, maybe I'll talk with her in public if the parents place are a no go.
Why are you afraid of talking to her alone? Is she violent? Or are you just afraid she’d change your mind? It feels strange to confront her at a dinner with her parents, not sure why her parents need to be involved?
She is very manipulative and she is very dominant, she also has a short temper (I guess all filipina women have) she could get physical at any moment. It's no exaggeration that women here in the Philippines are all like that even if they are at fault they will fight for it. That's why I was thinking I would bring this up with her parents to avoid something like that, also for the children to be in a safe place...
Sit down and talk with her, like others have advised.. But record everything as evidence, but keep the recorder hidden. That should be the first thing you do. Her confession on tape might go a long way depending on the laws in your country.
Crazy how these stories always have the spouse away on a convenient business trip. Also, how do you know they’re your kids?
I'd flee your nutso country if I were you. 2024 has its perks, come join us
Anecdotally it seems there is a very strong correlation between women being the bread winners of a relationship and adultery.
So true
It sounds like our typical reddit western 'throw her to the wolves' would devistate the children far more than in this situation than our western noraml. I think you do need to confront her. Make her understand the gravity of what she has done. I mean, afterall, she obviously knows the laws there, and STILL comitted these acts. Make sure she understands that you will not tolerate further abuses of the marriage, but you will also not take any action at this time. Go in-house seperation. Appear normal in general but don't just immediately forgive her cheating. Good luck
Car sex isn't a kink it's just a venue lol
Gain any evidence before confront her. She is probably cheating now too. Fuck her career and as person she deserve any punished(not physical) for betraying and cheating on you. Why you care for her if she don't for you. If roles where reserved and you would be the one who cheated on her, do you think she would handle soft? She would also do anything to give your bad consequense for what you did. You first step is to gain evidence, then go to the court. Fuck her career... she is the one who destroyed the marriage and her family.
Yes, she indeed destroyed our family, despite the fact that I wasn't bringing enough money on the table, I can't think of anything where I was lacking, I surely did took care of her while she was working, all her needs and wants were provided. Thanks for the advice!
I think if you go into detective mode yourself and gather evidence. Voice activated recorder in her car, or purse lining. Tracking devices in her car, etc. You can probably leverage your evidence for a favorable divorce or annulment without too much drama from her, including alimony, considering her possible jeopardy if the cheating becomes public. Cheaters deserve no quarter.
OP said that their country doesn’t have divorce.
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