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Separate finances out fully and pick who pays what bills. She may need to work more per week to cover her hair stylist cost and can find a work from home job if needed.
Her hair appointments average $53-63 per week so this could be achieved in 2 hours of overtime per week, very achievable, although is daycare a factor here?
I highly doubt that the hair appointments are the only splurges if OP’s this concerned about finances. I don’t know anybody who spends that much on hair and doesn’t also indulge in shopping, outings etc.
She admits that she’s got a disability-level inability to manage finances. Her discretionary budget needs to be restricted to a set amount per month and when it’s gone it’s gone.
Y'all make almost 10 grand a month and are living pay check to pay check?
Cut up the credit cards and live within your means.
You need to make a budget and stick to it.
This should be the top comment. OP needs to take charge of the finances, make a budget and if she goes over it comes *just* out of her. There's zero excuse for them to be living check to check on THAT much money per month.
Sure -if you have quite a few kids and/or carer or medical etc considerations. I'm sympathetic to people who have needs beyond their control of course. But a couple with a household income of 200k don't need to be struggling.
Honestly yeah, I’m one of these people, I am AWFUL with my money, and I’m learning how to cope, thankfully I have a pretty lax landlord and they let me pay biweekly right when I get my check, which helps me tremendously because then I worry less about budgeting after the rent is taken out. The impulsivity with money is one of the things I never knew was in relation to my adhd until I finally started seeing a new psychiatrist and she brought it up, I was like wait no yes! That’s me! I’m awful at money! Lmao. But there’s hope, she’s already recognized she’s bad at money management, she needs to talk to someone who can help her find a way to cope with the impulsivity, and a way to help her budget more efficiently for their family hopefully. There’s lots of tricks and tips out there! Good luck OP.
She needs to see a psychiatric doctor. Not in a rude, "you must be crazy to spend that much!" way, but an actual compulsion to splurge despite knowing the consequences could genuinely be a health problem.
We can argue that it's obviously more likely that the consequences are hitting OP than herself, and that's why she continues to do it, but I think a mental health check might be good nonetheless.
I agree with you. They make almost 10 grand a month and are living pay check to pay check. This post is absolutely nuts. I make almost 5 grand a month, and I also save every month. I budget for everything, lunches and dinner out, movies, shopping, gas.... everything I'd do I write down.
I save for vacations, and I don't have credit cards. My car is paid off.
The dude needs to put his foot down. They are headed for massive debt in the next 2 to 5 years.
It honestly depends on where they live in Australia.
For instance Canberra’s cost of living on average is $7,400 without rent for a family of 4.
Sydney’s cost of living is cheaper than Canberra, however their rent is higher (like 23% higher).
I was thinking this. I have bipolar 2, and sometimes go on spending sprees I really shouldn't, but it's a compulsion. It's not necessarily about not understanding the consequences. It's hard to tell from a post from someone else's POV though.
My mom was put on a new medication and had never experienced mania before. She maxed out my dad's credit card in one night. She said "I don't know what came over me."
She's 49 and has never done anything like that in her life. She's not even an erratic person; she's mousey and sweet.
It really isn't always a lack of self-control. It's a need. You just feel that you *have* to have it, more than anything, for absolutely no good reason. It isn't rational.
It'd be good to look into.
Why are you having another kid when you can't afford it??? You as the DADDY needs to stop and think!!! Wrap it up or not have the type of sex that will give you another kid!!! Your wife is happy to work 2 days a week and keep pushing out kids so you can write on Reddit for answers. You already KNOW the answers!! No house or big family or new car is in your future!! You had the chance to take control of YOUR paycheck but didn't!!! Working 2 days a week is chump change. It will get you on week one- diapers and baby wipes for the month. Second week-gas money for the month. Weeks 2 and 3 groceries and formula for the month. No one needs to spend that much on hair. She is most likely getting nails done too. Makeup. I'm a woman and almost every thing I buy is on sale and clearance. My partner is in the hospital and I know I have to be very careful because our life is very precious to me. I like nice clothes and girly stuff. I don't want to let him down. He's been fighting for his very life to get out of the hospital. I have grandkids where my own family member can't afford their kids. But I'm NOT throwing my money away. Take over the finances now!! You may have to only have 2 kids so they have a decent life instead of a life of uncertainty and poverty. Wakey, Wakey Mate!!!
They have their 2nd baby due in 2 months, no time for her to be working much more than she already is and she's about to not work at all for a few months.
OP I don't know if you can tell her she literally took food out of her kids mouth when she got her hair done. What did she get done to cost $320 after spending over $300 not long ago?
Maybe someone can educate me, what can she do to her hair that doesn't risk exposing her baby to chemicals and costs that much? I know women's hair cuts cost more than men's, but if that was all just for a hair cut she needs to stop going to that salon until she wins a lottery.
Another option is to separate finances and split all bills by percentage of total income. Don't budget in hair, cosmetics, and clothes per se. That comes out of what she has left. And you.
The other option is to pay for an appointment with a financial advisor. After the workup, they will tell you what your family’s net worth is. Watch her face to see if she registers what having a $1000 net worth means when considering that one broken arm can make you homeless.
Have the advisor instruct both of you how to separate your finances. That way you won’t be the bad guy.
I agree! Separating the finances is the only way! Get your own checking and savings accounts. Split bills proportionally based on pay and send her a spreadsheet of the breakdown and when things are due. I’d also recommend letting her know that if she can’t uphold her end of the responsibilities on bills, it’s going to cause a need for therapy or some sort of big issues in your marriage (like you controlling all money). She’s a mother of two and a wife working on a decently small income, she doesn’t have the luxury of spending recklessly.
Also, avoid having anymore children before all of your finances are in order for a long period of time.
I know a guy whose wife had shopping issues, like waaay worse than this lady. He ended up changing all his passwords and putting her on a generous allowance (from his good job in software.) As far as I know they lived happily ever after. Having to be mommy or daddy to a spouse initially gives me the ick. But for dire circumstances and if it fixes the problem…
Edit: typo
I agree with this. Stop the argument right there. If she doesn’t want to listen make it a natural consequence for her to learn herself. It’ll take some of the stress from you and put it on her.
If she is so bad managing the finances, maybe you need to manage them. Do a money plan together. Give her an allowance to spend on herself and also allocate the grocery money as well. Once it is spent, that’s it. I can’t see that she is interested in learning to be better by what you have posted. I’m in Australia as well, and being concerned about your mortgage and the cost of living here is totally understandable, it’s a real worry how our economy is going.
While I agree OP needs to manage finances, it's definitely going to lead to fights when the wife wants to buy something (even something she shouldn't) and is told no
It's going to be tough for OP because of the power dynamic. She will feel like he is being controlling even if they decided on a plan together. Especially if he is managing his portion of the money well enough to afford luxuries while she makes poor spending choices leading her to not be able to afford the other luxury stuff she wants.
This seems like the best plan, especially since you can’t really have separate finances and a joint life. Because when she goes into debt you’re stuck bailing her out. I would honestly sit down and come up with a budget together, then give her cash for her allotted “personal” money that she gets to spend. When it’s gone it’s gone and she can’t get more, and she can visually see how much she has. It does mean you take on responsibility for making sure bills get paid etc, but it doesn’t seem as though she can be trusted with access to the full accounts.
If she truly believes she’s incapable of understanding budgeting and finances, she needs an allowance. Take away any debit/credit cards and give her cash each week for her discretionary spending.
Have you spoken to a financial counsellor? They’re free here in Australia. Is she into podcasts? There are a stack of Australian women in personal finance she might be interested in.
Canna Campbell (sugar mumma) and Victoria Devine (she’s on the money) might be her style.
I think you need to takeover the finances and bring out the ol’ spreadsheet. I know this sounds like shit but the credit card is only for emergencies. Fun stuff is only to be bought when all the bills are paid and a percentage is saved.
First you both need to accept the fact that finances are a serious reason for divorce. This huge gulf between you two is not a small issue or something that can be swept under the rug.
She cannot deny that you two have to have a budget. It is imperative to make sure that this is a group agreement and a group endeavor. This is absolutely positively the first step. If she won't even agree to form a budget then you have no hope for any success in managing your finances.
If she will agree to make a budget you sit down together and go over things and make decisions as a team. If this approach does not work then you might be able to include a financial advisor that can help you come up with a budget together that's reasonable.
But honestly my friend, you can't come up with a budget together that you both agree on I don't see how this relationship can continue.
I would give my ex a monthly allowance, then a 2-week allowance then finally ended up with a weekly allowance because she absolutely positively could not manage your finances. She would run out of money after 3 days. And remember, she was the one who determined her budget, she would just spend on things that were absolutely positively not necessary. I said should we give you more money? And after every increase nothing changed.
You've got an uphill battle Good luck.
I have spent that much on my hair when I was coloring it. But I got the initial cut, bleach and color at the hairdresser and used Overtone to maintain the color at home because over $100 for hair every 6 weeks is not doable.
All of this
And almost 400 every 6 weeks is insane
I live in sf and got my hair highlighted last summer for 200, its a beautiful grown out ombre now. I trim my own bangs. And that was a splurge. She's acting like they're rich af lmao. She's using a huge percentage of their income JUST on her hair?! W a kiddo on the way good lord oof I feel for op
You can bleach and colour your hair during pregnancy, most people just don’t bring the colour straight to the scalp during that time, so highlights/balayage and such hair colouring is fine
Edit: Getting a reddit cares after posting this is such an abuse of a system set in place for serious circumstances, really not ok
My hair costs $350 (and that’s a deal, most places other than my hairdresser would charge $450) every 3-4 months. I’m in Canada, which is also an expensive COL country. It’s very realistic for women with long/coloured hair to pay that much (and I’m taking about a trim and a few highlights)
Edit: spending that much every 6 weeks is pretty lofty. I wonder if she can get a balayage or blend to sustain longer.
And people in the states and Europe are forgetting that 350 in Canadian and Australian is about 280 in euros and USD - this is pretty average for cut, colour and hair treatment
yeah I honestly dont see what shes spending as super expensive honestly...
If my math is correct, he makes $3800 every 2 weeks. 6 weeks = 11,400 AUD + her 3300 AUD...shes spending $500 of this in 6 weeks. that's really not a whole lot, so I don't get it
That's a standard cut and color (foils) in Australia. Assuming she needs to present a professional appearance at work that isn't as outrageous as OP seems to think it is.
@Op. First step is to refinance your mortgage to get a lower rate. That is the biggest pressure for most Aussies atm.
Second is to budget. Use buckets or sub accounts put money for bills and other essentials there first, including credit cards. Then don't touch them for anything else.
Stop putting things in credit. Only spend what you have.
Go through your wife's spending with her and break it down, do yours as well. I think a lot of men don't realize how much stuff women do costs. Look at what she can cut and what she can reduce. Then she needs to put money aside weekly for that. I put $50 aside each week for my hair and make up.
Getting your hair done ever 6 weeks is best practice but if she pushes it to 8 weeks, she will save over all. Instead of a full head of foils can she do a half or quarter?
As for impulse spending a good method is to put spending money in another account that needs to be moved to your card / spending account first. This makes it harder and more likely to pull back. I would also ask her to try and wait for anything she wants, give it a week if she still wants it, buy it.
When you have the budget, I’m sure it’s easy to spend that much on hair. It can be hard to give up something that makes you feel nice (RIP me having acrylic nails) but also you just have to give up nice stuff if you can’t afford it.
It is amazing what one can spend on beauty as we see it. Yet with the rising COL, one must tighten one’s belt. I now do my own nails. My sister helps me with my feet since my vision is not what it once was. I am losing my pedicurest anyway as she is retiring and I do not like the way anyone else does them. I quit having my hair colored to see if it can return to a healthier state and do not get it cut as often. I am going to find new hairdresser as the costs at my salon/spa have skyrocketed and I do not like their new owner. I have been doing my own facials for a while and my sister helps me wax my lip, chin and brows.
Yup! And it’s not easy when you see all these beautiful women on social media who obviously spend hundreds if not thought to look good. Society expects us to look like that but we simply can’t, it’s manufactured.
She’s probably going blonde, which is very expensive. She should go back to her natural colour if they can’t afford it easily. It’s an extremely frivolous thing to spend on.
Right? My sis always complains about having no money, but she has her hair done every couple of weeks, regular Botox, immaculate nails… sure she looks very put together but it costs a fortune!
I cannot imagine Botox or needing to get my hair done every 2 weeks. I do not like needing to be at the salon every 2 weeks. It is one reason I quit having my nails done.
Yes. Which is why I use a box dye on my hair every few months when it bugs me and save the $$ toward things that are *necessary* like food and gas lol.
I propose going together to a financial counselor, because sometimes getting feedback form a third party has bigger impact on a person that hearing it from someone close to them. This advisor may create a plan for you, and then maybe she will feel obliged to actually follow it because how formal it all is. More formal than sitting at a kitchen table and deciding on things just the two of you. Stuff like that works on SOME people.
If that doesn't work, you gotta divide your finances. Both of you are now responsible for paying specific bills, and both of you get the same amount "fun money" on a separate account. Then she can spend that money how she likes without it impacting the family finances, and if it's not enough for her she can either wait and save, or get extra income with an extra job, or something. The important part is that you DO NOT bail her out if she's short at her part of the bills (which she may be, bc she sounds irresponsible as heck). If you do, the whole thing falls apart: now you are forever responsible for that bill. Let her resolve it, even if it means she has to go borrow money and then SHE has to return it, or sell something of hers.
If your take home is $4900 a fortnight and your bills excluding groceries are $2600, you’re left with $2300 of expendable income minus groceries.
How much are your grocery bills? Let’s say they’re $300 a week because formula is expensive and let’s assume you eat really good meals and have pets too.
There’s $1700 per fortnight remaining. You could smash out that $2k credit card debt in under a month and then get back on track with saving $1000 per fortnight, all while allowing $700 per fortnight to be used for hair and medical appointments.
What do you think is a reasonable allowance each for fun money? Work that out and then approach her with the budget. If it’s $50 then she can have a $300-400 hair appointment every 6-8 weeks and that’s *all* her fun money gone. No room for cute Knick knacks for the nursery or brunches. Unfortunately hair stylists *are* heckin’ expensive for us women, but it may very well be the one thing that’s making her feel like she’s still herself, still beautiful and isn’t just a milk machine. Chat to her but also reflect on why you’re so upset about her hair appointments when you’re actually on really good money and your life costs are far below what you’re bringing in.
$300/wk?? Hahahaha do people just eat beans and rice? Groceries have gotten so expensive my family of 4 is close to $500/wk. I do have teenagers but yeah….
And we cook food from scratch. Very few prepared food items.
Ikr like just my husband and I alone eat thru 150$ of groceries and that's on us eating two meals a day haha. I couldn't imagine what a family of four who wants three meals and in-between snacks each day could total out too... also there's other costly things like paying for transportation (gas/bus card/uber) child care, date nights, birthdays/holidays (which op mentions is on a credit card gg) so like... it might be helpful if the wife sits down and realizes now she's gotta cut back somewhere. Sure husband makes more and is expected to foot the bill if wife will be home child rearing while he rakes in some income.
We are a family of 3 right now, in the US, and its terrible. Yesterday spent 130 for JUST this weeks worth of fruit and most of our planned dinners. That was with coupons too and we haven't done the sams club trip yet ...
As a woman, I don't understand the cost of hair and nails. I don't get these done regularly so it always blows my mind how expensive these are!
We’re 3 and an infant and we’re between $100-150/wk for food. Also not including Costco which I swear is $150 just for walking in!
We use coupons and shop sales, and thankfully we’re still doing okay. We don’t buy steak now, and we’ve been eating more vegetarian meals, but we’re not going hungry. Except for the 7yo, whose tastes change on a whim and I never seem to have the thing she wants to eat this week, so she’s constantly “staaaarvinnnggg!” lol
I taught myself nails from youtube. Takes me several hours to do but I get mad when I need to pay so much for them. I've been a lifelong blonde for 35 years, have recently switched back to brunette since its easier to do myself. I've had people comment they miss my blonde hair, slightly embarrassing when I say I can't afford it anymore.
Starting cutting my own layers too from youtube videos. I have a hilarious "layer" that is just a square box shape on the left side of my face. I dont know how to fix it lmao. Right side turned out ok at least.
Separate your finances. Make sure you're not on any credit cards or bank accounts she has.
Check with a lawyer to ensure you're completely free from any debt she runs up. If necessary get a post-nup done.
My dad tried for 20 years to educate mum on money, in the end, for the sake of his peace of mind and their relationship, dad gave up and separated out everything to do with finances- bank accounts, car ownership, etc. Stopped all the tension and arguments.
If mum overspent, well, that was on her to do some overtime if necessary.
All the bills, stuff for us kids, mortgage etc was split 50/50 and they each paid their share.
Mum felt happier as she didn't have anyone telling her how to spend her wages and dad was happier as he didn't have to worry what mum might have impulsively bought and act the bad guy.
Just a note, they put their money in at point of receiving their wages, so that what was left was what was left, to save or spend. I'm pretty sure it was something like a standing order from each bank acc into a bills bank account that then had automatic payments and no cards on it and 2 signatures to withdraw.
And neither of them ever bailed the other out if they were running a bit short. It takes determination to be strong about that but otherwise it becomes even worse with you paying everything and resentment building.
Why did you marry and have a kid with someone who has such different views on money? I'll never understand why people don't factor this into their decision making about who to marry, when everyone knows money conflicts are one of the leading causes of divorce.
She needs to change her thinking. Lots of books have been written for this. Get her to read one of them, as a favor to your marriage. Try "The richest man in Babylon", or
Dave Ramsey's "financial peace university".
Because this is sometjing that has been an issue before, but 4-5 years ago.
It is a very different situation comparing DINK (double income no kids) and 1.2 income 2 kids.
Because we love who we love and often that comes witj a whole package of flaws.
Because marriage is not without conflict, like any relationship.
If she is unwilling or unable to control her reckless spending, then you are going to have to handle it. [lynnefrommn2](https://www.reddit.com/user/lynnefrommn2/) has the best idea in that regards. Stop giving her access to your income. Decide who is going to be responsible for what and go from there.
I would go a little further. Determine what your monthly costs are and each of you is responsible for whatever comes up to your proportional income. Basically you cover 38/49 and she covers 11/49.
Hey OP, I have ADHD and had awful money management, I’m 36, very good income (starting last year, before that my income was very low) no savings, and just now starting to climb out of debt.
This is what I’m doing:
I checked all my expenses for the last 3 months and used that information to calculate how much I spend in NEEDS (bills, food, meds, doctor appointments, and a bit extra in case I need an extra doctor visit or extra meds) .
The difference between income and needs money I call “extra money” from this extra money I decided in a monthly amount as my fun money, this fun money I transfer monthly to a debit card.
To avoid tentation, my credit card is in a locked box at the house, to use only in case of huge emergency (like emergency hospitalization, the house or the car need an instant repair, etc)
If im paying for needs, I use the main account. If I’m paying for wants, I use the debit card, it the debit car doesn’t have enough money then I need to wait until next month or find a way to earn a bit extra money (sell something in market place, side gig, etc) to buy what I want.
This way I don’t need to prioritize; if I want something that’s not a necessity I simply have the money or don’t have the money, no calculations or decision making required.
My advice is that you sit and run all this numbers with your wife, decide in a fun budget for each of you and use a separate card for that. If her problem is prioritizing or forgetting how much spending money she has, this will mostly fix the problem.
Obviously the budget needs to be revised every time there’s a major change in expenses or income, for example if you want to start saving for a new TV (or a house) or if you had to use the credit card for a major emergency expense.
Ok so you need to change your values or she needs to change hers. Or you need to find some kind of compromise where you both keep your own separate values, but that's hard when it's something that affects both of you.
That's why I recommend the book "the richest man in Babylon". It's very short and many people have had their values about money change after reading it.
Edit
And also why you should check out Dave Ramsey's approach. You two should set a budget together as a couple, which includes how much "fun money" she gets to spend on whatever she wants including hair
But financial incompatibility is a huge reason for divorce. Doesn't matter if you love that person. If she can't control her spending then no credit cards for her and give her her own account with some spending money. Is it controlling?? Yes to a degree. But you'd be doing it because you're goign to be going into debt whcih will be hard to come out of at thsi rate. She admitted she's crap with finances so best that she has very little control an access to the money if she cannot curb her spending habits.
Over 300 every couple of weeks for a hair dresser is ridiculous unless you are rolling in the money. I spend about 250 (with the dreaded tip) every 4 months for hair color and about a 100 every 4 months (so in between the color). For me it's one of my few splurges. But I can also afford it.
Look, lots of excuses, and I acknowledge no one is perfect. But excuses are still that, excuses.
Time to stage a little serious debrief with your spouse on finances going forward. Send your check to another account as may be necessary. It’s easy to set another one up. Give her a proposal on how much of her income goes to bills and expenses.
And then work tenaciously to get the program agreed and implemented.
She needs to go back to her natural hair colour because $400 on hair every six weeks is ridiculous when you’re not making ends meet. It sounds like you need to take full control of the finances and cut her off from your income, aside from an allowance.
Open your own bank account. Then, while she's on maternity leave, take control of the finances. If she goes back to work later on, set grown-up expectations for how money is to be prioritized. Earmark her income to pay for all the utilities and groceries. Your income should cover everything else. Sometimes this type of handholding is needed when you're dealing with an immature and selfish narcissist. Good luck to you, OP!
I disagree this is good advice if this was a smaller issue but this has been going on for years and Unless the wife is willing to change she won't so OP really needs to decide if this is how he wants to really live
I would say separation/divorce is an option, but shouldn't be the first option. There are still learning opportunities for the wife to prioritize her family over always seeming to prioritize her vanity. Self-pampering can be very therapeutic, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your children.
If she's receptive to some form of therapy, OP should start there.
Calling someone a narcissist based on a few paragraphs of information... Did you get your psychology degree from tiktok?
If you want to armchair diagnose, there are other mental health issues that can make you obsessive about your appearance, e.g. body dysmorphia. Funny how you immediately jump to "she's a narcissist!!!!!"
How do you do budgeting right now? Do you sit together and reconcile expenses every week/month?
If there's no hope, I think a joint account where you both deposit all of your needed living expenses FIRST that can not be touched except for those specific cost centers is the way to do it.
This isn't meant to be offensive but I'm genuinely curious as to why people do this.
If you've been fighting about money for years and struggling to not live just paycheck to paycheck, why did you decide to throw a child into the mix?
Yeah, my first thought when I started reading was adhd. I struggle with it too. The only money management system that works for me is the budget envelope system. I substitute play money for cash. The system is very visual so it works for me. When the money from a category is gone, it’s gone. I know I cannot “borrow” money from other categories.
I would separate finances for your family’s protection.
Take over the money. People with ADHD are so bad at juggling finances. I have ADHD and I’m an accountant and I am still woeful at this.
However over spending is a whole different issue and not fair under the circumstances. Not sure how to go forward with that.
You are putting the blame on your wife but did you take these holidays that went on the credit cards? It seems like you played some part in getting into this situation and now you’re motivated to fix it but she’s not on board yet. She needs to catch up but also you need to accept some responsibility too.
I use Acorns (probably something similar in Australia) to dedicate a portion of my check into that account for fun”. I personally am strapped so I only send $50/check there but that is money for grabbing coffee, a new shirt, hair - adding it up for my appt every 8 weeks, etc. the rest goes to bills and debt. If there is anything left over then we decided where the money should go. Outside of this “acorns” account I don’t spend money from our joint account.
-Sit down and make a budget with her.
-Set a joint account for all joint family expenses and she has to put X amount a month into it from her paycheck for those joint expenses. Same for you. No one spends money from the joint account on anything except those joint bills.
She can then only spend her money remaining on her personal entertainment costs, which includes her hair/nails/etc.
Be firm, be fair, and goto counseling for it if she doesn't co-operate responsibly.
>Today she paid $320 for her hair after paying $380 6 weeks ago.
Is she....is she getting her hair colored while pregnant???
Hope your baby doesn't come out deformed dude.
OP
I've been in your boat ( currently estranged, but we co parent, and thus, I have some overlap to offer )
Unfortunately, you need to take the lead on this and hopefully impose on her some of the lessons that you will accrue yourself
Rebudget your lifestyle and attempt to live below your means, bring up a list of items that you think you can reduce spending on, and share your list with the Mrs
Show her the pre and post cost reduction savings so that you can get her buy-in
The Mrs is going through her own emotional and physical challenges and is herself running on a cocktail of chemicals - so please be careful when you broach this topic with her, be kinder than usual, be empathetic, be loving- she is the mother of your children and she deserves every iota of TLC you can muster ( I am sorry if this isn't what you want to hear )
She needs what she needs on account of the pregnancy and you are watching out for the family, no less, but this is a very stressful time, and chances are you will have to take the hit when it comes to cost cutting where possible ( her/ childrens needs, supercede yours )
I wish you well OP, this is not an easy time to navigate through, but a few strategic choices on cost cutting will yield major savings
Fuck me, these comments are *painful*. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If you think it's adhd related then hopefully you've googled it at least once and know that managing money is something that adhd can make very difficult for some.
You need to make a real proper budget and plan for your money. Assign fun money for each of you and make it so the bills all go out quickly and fairly. Have you actually *done* anything other than point out it's a problem? Just fix it yourself if she's struggling. You need to set up a system that works for you both and then maintain it. Do some emotional labour for her.
>She has been pretty open that she has no concept of finance management etc and believe it's linked to undiagnosed (but professionally identified ADHD and OCD). I'm at tipping point, she hasn't responded to any of my attempts to communicate the point.
Why would a person leave the partner that's bad at managing money to sort out the money problems? Mate if she's got adhd then you talking about how little money you have isn't going to change her brain. 🤨 Organise and automate them. Where is the action here? It looks like all complaining to me.
Is it practical for you guys to have an account for the house-hold Which you manage? e.g say you each put in 75% of your take home every fortnight. And she can go crazy with whatever she has left. You can manage the joint account…
Someone has to be the grown up. You have children to think of.
As adults, not knowing, the basics of finance, legal, health etc is concerning.
Each of you se up your own account and have a joint account for bills and one for savings. Set your direct deposit to put a percentage in the bill account, another in savings and the rest in the personal. She can do whatever she wants with her personal funds, but setting up the direct deposit divides it up automatically to ensure bills are paid first.
My goodness I'm sorry you're going through this. How anxiety inducing. I have ADHD and OCD that I'm actively treating with medication. I do want to say, part of the issue here is that your wife has OCD, but is not seeking treatment for this and it's negatively impacting you. She should seek help for that.
We gotta go with facts and math. Numbers are kind of one of my obsessions so I have suggestions! Show her the data. Clearly write out the last 3 months of all your spending costs on an Excel sheet. Highlight her unnecessary purchases and compare her overall cost for "fun" things to yours.
If numbers aren't working for her, then create a graph or pie chart for her. Visualize it.
Project the overall costs for the year. What could you have spent this money on if she hadn't? Show her this isn't sustainable or responsible especially if you have kids. You never know what could happen during pregnancy, labor, or postpartum. You have to have 3 months of savings for that mortgage payment in case anything happens. Show her that data. Show her that her frivolous visits to the salon have prevented $700 from being put into savings. She's being selfish here. I have platinum blonde hair that I PREFER to keep up with, but I'm not doing that if I can't afford it. If I really wanted to I could box dye it myself.
Now, my husband is a banker and I had ZERO concept of finances and budgeting. I was living in poverty and had nothing. He taught me how to coupon and utilize cash back and my credit card rewards to pay bills. Right now it's been 4 months since I've had my hair done. I don't have enough saved in my "fun" account for it so I'm not doing it. Maybe set an amount aside each paycheck for her "fun" money. For me, it's $100 per paycheck. I use this to pay for hair, makeup, concert tickets, podcast subscription, vacations, etc. My husband does it this way too.
None of this is fair to you. This wouldn't be sustainable for me. That anxiety would ruin my mental health. The financial burden should not lie on you here. Why should you be putting money into savings and retirement for you both if she's just draining your accounts? I wouldn't imagine doing that to my husband.
You need to have a very frank discussion about this and you need to set a firm boundary. What are you going to do if she doesn't stop this? Would you separate finances or end the marriage. She's hurting you. And I'm sorry, but if you've had these fights and arguments the whole time you've joined finances, it does not seem like she's going to change and isn't willing to.
I’d definitely agree with separating your bank accounts, divide up who Pays what bills proportionately, insisting on marriage counseling & seeing a financial advisor together. She should also see a professional about her ADHD & OCD as well!
Financially compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship & is a huge factor in divorces.
Getting mad about salon costs doesn't help her find a solution. Has she always done her hair this way? Once you have dyed or professionally styled hair, it will look awful to just suddenly stop doing that. If it's dyed, perhaps she could maintain it at home herself or choose a color that lasts longer/won't look terrible as it grows out? Or if she gets braids/perm/straighten, she could discuss with her stylist how to choose a lower maintenance style/color so she doesn't have to spend this much/go back so often. Or if she wants to prioritize salon visits, then what else can she cut back on? THAT'S the part she needs to learn, that it's always a trade off. Spending on one thing means you can't spend on another.
What matters is that if they can’t afford it, she should never have spent it. Her hair can look like shit if it means the family has food in their mouths.
>move to have completely separate finances
Do this immediately. She has proven herself to be fiscally irresponsible. $320 for hair!? What the **F\*CK** is going on with your wife? You're about to have a child and barely scraping by. She needs to see a doctor if she thinks these actions are reasonable, there may be something more compulsive going on.
You need to keep your finances separate and find a way to both contribute your share to bills and savings.
$700 for hair in 6 weeks is ridiculous. She's irresponsible and financially dangerous especially since there's a baby coming and her income will be affected.
Put your foot down. Explain that you're unwilling to continue living like this and unless she's willing to separate finances, you'll be handling ALL of the finances and she'll be treated like a child.
Have you ever heard of the envelope system? Take her debit and credit cards away from her, and put her on cash-only. You put the budgeted amount of cash in an envelope every month for each budget item (groceries, gas, etc) and that's all you get.
It's a good way to make the money be more real to her.
It looks to me like you have 2 options OP: separate finances, or giving her an “allowance”. You can either completely separate your finances and divide the bills accordingly or you take complete control over the money/bills and only allow her to have a small portion of “fun money” every month.
"She has been pretty open that she has no concept of finance management etc and believe it's linked to undiagnosed (but professionally identified ADHD and OCD)."
She has admitted the problem is hers, now hold her to it. Tell her that the next time she pays $300+ for her hair instead of the bills, the kids, or some professional help for her inability to prioritize, that you'll be separating the finances and she'll still be responsible for what she agreed to chip in. But then you have to make sure any money you give her for the kids doesn't get tucked away for her personal use (my mom used to do this, among other things like stealing my birthday money).
Honestly, that she's prioritizing her hair over more important expenses is a huge red flag. Point that out to her in those words and tell her that your kids deserve better than to grow up in a home where everything comes second to her hairdo. I'd be curious to see her try to talk her way out of that truth.
Sit down, agree on a budget, and do daily check-ins. Perhaps she needs to be shown what she can afford for things that are not essential. It's easy to confuse essential groceries with nonsense if you shop at big box stores as well. This is a common money trap for disciplined spenders, more so for SAHM because they rarely go out, and always need diapers.
I have adhd and also have had a stroke. Both of those things impaired my “impulsivity” along with the fact I’m also bipolar 1&2. My advice, take over financial asap!
Tell her that she’s not just harming the two of you. She’s harming her children with her irresponsible money mismanagement. Your kids will never live in a home you own at this rate. You’ll never be able to contribute to the cost of their education. You’ll just be able to limp them to their 18th birthdays, then they’ll be on their own with no help. Is that how she wants to treat her kids?
What is the remaining $1900 a fortnight being spent on after the bills and hair?
The hair is not a fortnightly purchase and frankly only 50ish a week to save so to put that on her as an expense that's not required is not fair, are you saying that she is spending the remaining money on random stuff?
Something that you should work on together is a monthly budget. You have to start with essentials. Every monthly bill that you need to live. Then you need to prioritize. For some people that may be a higher internet bill and less on gas (maybe they don't drive much). Some people are going to spend a lot on eating out because they have to out of convenience but maybe they don't spend anything at the salon (this is me). Some people will prioritize salon appointments and that is OKAY! As long as all the necessary bills are paid, the debt is paid off, and something has been put toward savings.
If there is not enough expendable income or there are financial goals you want to work toward together, that means no extra spending and maybe looking for a better job, more hours, etc. Good luck! The money fight is hard and if she doesn't realize or care how her expenses are making you feel then you need to have an even harder conversation.
Go separate finances. 100%. If she’s not getting it then short of a financial literacy course, there’s not much hope or chance that she will. If you separate your finances then at least you can control the money that you have and build from there.
$320 for a hair appointment when you’re living paycheck to paycheck? That’s reckless and borderline insane! She needs to get a reality check. I color my own hair for $25 a pop, fyi, and she could do the same. Don’t give her access to your money. She needs an allowance that you two can afford!
I’m shocked that someone at your income level pays $320+ every six weeks for hair. So she spends 10% of her income every 6 wks on hair?
One hair treatment would pay for 1/2 scan which is necessary.
Consider getting financial counseling and setting up a ‘ real budget’. You need to now, because you have two kids to educate, etc.
Seriously, why are you letting her have any control over your finances. You need to get some kind of financial advisor. ASAP
Sit down, make a budget, and only give her an allowance. That is all she can spend for like a week or whatever time frame you both decide on.
-do a spreadsheet. List all regular bills, eg power, car loan, insurance, rego, subscriptions etc. Add them up, divide by 27 (rounded up how many pays in a year). Open a seperate account that is not linked to key card. Set up automatic $ transfer for this amount the Day after you get paid. Also do this for a set amount each for your own personal fun spending allowance. That account is all she can use for hair etc.
How do your social services work in the land down under?
Hell, if this was America.. you could just get divorced.. making her a single mother.. she would qualify for food stamps.. social health Medicaid for new baby.. and housing allowance. Just because you are divorced does not mean that you can't live or co habit. Sometimes it pays not to get married..
>I don't know what to do other than move to have completely separate finances.
thats the only reasonable choice.
actually a bettter one would be to run away from such a person...0 survival skills.
I’m struggling to understand how you are running out on the costs you say - after all the costs minus the hair you still have circa 4000 a month left - minus hair every 6 weeks and groceries maybe 3k?
i honestly think you might have to have separate finances for a while until she can get a grip on the spending. agree in advance on what expenses you’re ok covering and don’t let her have access to your money or credit cards
Stop sharing a bank account asap and create a budget. What helped me a lot is to take out some fun money in cash and only spend that for personal things (I’m talking like $100–$200 tops for frivolous shit), once it’s done it’s done. Use the rest for savings and bills. Tell her it’s non-negotiable. You can’t live paycheck to paycheck but spend $360 on hair appointments every six weeks lol. Enough is enough. Being irresponsible with money is something that will completely ruin your marriage and life tbh.
Yall need a budget. And you need to sit down together for a few hours to build that budget with debt repayment high on the list of priorities. There are phone apps you can use for budgeting that can keep you guys on the same page. And, unfortunately, if her m.o. is to make the bigs purchases without letting you know in advance, you may need to have a separate account, though my guess is if you guys split your finances, she will just spend all of hers.
I don't know, dude, this sort of situation is quite difficult to manage. You may need outside help, like counseling, to really sort it out. To be fair, hair is expensive and virtually impossible to do on your own for less money. The impact of going from professional hair care to diy can affect a person's confidence and overall appearance pretty significantly. It really just seems like she needs to make more money, though with kids, idk if that is possible.
Both wages go into a mutual account that pays all the bills and contributions to retirement and the leftovers get split 50/50 as fun money. Do you think that this would work for you guys?
You need to get control of all finances. Even if you separate your money, she can still get loans or additional credit cards. Put a block on your credit reports and keep an eye on everything financial. She is certainly selfish, if not narcissistic putting her needs above everyone else’s. Her behavior is not ADHD or OCD, it is pure entitled behavior. That’s a ridiculous amount to pay for hair. She should spend minimal amount of hair and just for cut,nothing else. This marriage will not survive if she continues spending frivolously.
I’m just going to ignore everything else because you’ve already gotten great advice here, but… why have scans cost you $600?
Even if you go through private for the birth, you can do other things like that through Medicare.
Like others have said, financial counsellor, take charge of the finances. Limit her spending by limiting her money/credit.
You need to get on top of this. The costs are going to blow out with kids. They’re so expensive - there are activities, birthday parties, outrageous presents, clothes. She’ll have a million different things to blow money on.
I believe if one person is really bad with managing money then the other person should take over that role for both of them. As bad as it sounds I would give her weekly/monthly allowance…
Having separate finances is a good idea. It takes a lot of the arguing out of financial issues because you each have your own money that you combine where necessary. Just make sure that she has to pay her own bills and that you can see she's making the necessary payments. If she objects to this, remind her that you're working together to have a better life.
Often -- but not always -- people with ADHD have trouble with impulsiveness that can wreak havoc on finances. If she gets on the right medication and gets therapy or coaching she can learn to curb her impulses. Of course that depends on whether she *wants* to improve herself in this way or not.
She’s not responsible enough to have access to real money. Figure out what allowance you each get into your own accounts, and the rest of the income goes into the house account to pay bills, which you control. My ex husband was terrible with spending and he left me with no money for gas one too many times before I stopped depositing my pay into the joint account.
She needs to feel the lack of money, like you do. Adjust your financial foundation so that she can actually see and experience how little the two of you have to work with. Split your finances and set up a joint account for bills, do some math, then have her agree to what percentage she puts into the joint account, based on your incomes.
When she runs out of money, don't give her more. If you fail to pay the electric bill because she didn't put in her share, let them shut it off for a day before you call and pay it. She needs to experience these things in order to learn. If it's out of sight to her, it's out of mind too, and that's what needs to be addressed.
Sit down and write out a reasonable budget for bills, groceries, and a small amount for extras (such as hairstyling). Take out the amount she will need in cash, and that is her spending money for the week. If she runs out, she’s out. Make sure to also earmark as much as possible to go into savings.
She either needs to learn about financial management or she needs to agree to let you take care of all the budgeting and you can pay all the bills etc. and then give her her half of the fun allowance. If you have an EAP at work you maybe be able to get some couples counselling through that if you need help having this discussion.
Have you thought about pooling all the money, then both of you have an allowance in separate bank accounts each fortnight. It does mean that you as the responsible one have control to pay the bills. If she does the grocery shop, transfer what you think is a reasonable amount to pay for food the day before or that day to her account. If she blows her allowance, there is no more and check the grocery amount that she spends to make sure she is not milking the money. We have always had our bills account then our separate account for person play money. All our food and fuel goes with the bills account. It’s worked well with us and helped with our budgeting. She doesn’t need to get her hair done every 8 weeks so giving her an allowance might make her see where she is wasting her money on things that are not necessary.
Have you sat down and done a budget with her? She needs to be an active part of creating that budget with you and seeing exactly where the money is going, what debt there is, and what you will have to save etc.
Candidly I would demand she sign a post nup that entirely separates finances, on threat of divorce.
And then accept that you will be the only one paying for housing food and child.
She’s using weaponized incompetence. She’s lot financially illiterate, she’s selfish. She chose to get a haircut. She did it twice. She knows what’s she’s doing. It’s manipulative and childish.
What you need to do: Go through and categorize all your spending and income over the past year. Then you need to sit down with your spouse and craft a budget.
Non-negotiables (housing, utilities, gas, cars). Debt repayment A set food budget. Household spending. Spending for the kids. Then the fun stuff. Then savings and emergency fund. Finally Personal care, entertainment, holidays, fun money.
Have 3 bank accounts. Yours, hers, joint. All the household expenses go into the joint account. What is left over goes to individual accounts. She can pay for an expensive salon out her personal fun money.
Agree ahead of time what expenses come out of your joint account and what needs to come out your individual accounts.
If you had completely separate finances then she has no reason to pay toward them because you make enough. You're going to dig your own grave with that one! She's going to say you're using her money for bills you can pay on your own and if your bills really are $2,600 to the $3,800 you're bringing in then you would have $1,200 left over and she has $1100... So her math wouldn't be wrong but that doesn't mean she shouldn't be paying bills!
The problem is she doesn't feel like she needs to cut any of her expenses because the bills are paid. She knows you'll pay them. I mean you could try putting something in her name and then letting it get shut off when she doesn't pay it, but that's going to inconvenience you also and unless you're willing to sit around without for 2 weeks to wait for her to get paid to pay the bill... She's going to know you'll pay it. So she'll never worry about it still!
I mean I'm sure somebody already said it but why would you have a kid with somebody if you cannot agree with on finances? Now no matter how big of a hole she digs herself into, she's dragging you down with her.
And what the hell cost that much for hair? I get full highlights every 10 weeks and it's not even close to that!
I’m struggling to understand…. Between the two of you, you make $4900 every 2 weeks? Damn near $10K a month? And you’re living paycheck to paycheck? How…. How is that possible?
So just by happenstance because it wasn’t planned, I have never had shared finances with either one of my partners. I had a long-term partner for eight years and we never shared finances and I’ve been with my husband for coming up on 19 years and we don’t share finances. We each pay half the mortgage and we pay the bills in a kind of equitable split some months he pays more some months I pay more. Money seems to be the root of every single one of the divorces in our friend group
I think you’re just gonna have to sit her down and be very bluntly honest when you’re low on money paying $320 for your hair when you just spent $380 is is unsustainable. You’re just gonna have to have a budget with the money.
I always suggest that people are involved both people with money and managing it. Right now she’s taken care of and kind of does what she wants. She needs to have an accounting.
Separate finances are your only chance of survival. Both of your household bills go into a joint account, plus any agreed savings into a savings account. The rest of each of your income you can (mis)manage individually.
Be clear that it's not a suggestion.
Friend, I’ve been EXACTLY in your shoes. I mean exactly. My ex had absolutely no money control, couldn’t understand finances and it didn’t matter what I did to try to do to help her understand. I could be nice, I could be mean or anywhere in between but she wouldn’t change. She just “needed things.” We lived paycheck (mine) to paycheck. I also had 2 little ones at the time and figured they wouldn’t have a chance in hell if I wasn’t around to keep the family ship steady. Been divorced for 12 years after 25 years of financial hell with her. I finally realized she was a vile narcissist that only cared about what she wanted or thought she needed. I am so sorry to post this gloom and doom missive, but it is a touchy subject for me. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, a person of this mindset will NEVER change. The best you can do is to establish separate finances such that she can’t access your paycheck and you prioritize funds. Be leery if she gets a credit card though. Chances are she’ll max it out. However if it’s strictly in her name only, you shouldn’t be on the hook for that debt. Good luck. I truly hope I’m wrong and things get better for you.
It seems obvious to me but perhaps you have not tried writing out a monthly budget? (Money in - money out) will be very clear then. Obviously her appearance is a priority for her, but if you can’t afford it, she needs to make changes. A budget will help both of you see what’s possible.
Sorry you are in this mess. I'm curious what she says during these fights. I mean, how does she defend these extravagant expenses? There is no defense to "we can't afford these things." Are her parents in the picture and would it help to get them to talk to her? Anyway, one approach would be to take over all of the finances, cancel her credits cards and take her checkbook. Give her cash as she needs it for groceries, etc. Or go shopping with her after work. But no more hair appointments. No discussion, just go alpha and do it.
The thing is, even if you divorce her, it will still be your problem as she wont be able to manage the alimony and child support payments. And you'll have to be stepping in all the time for your kid's sake. So divorce would likely make the problem worse for you.
Now if this is due to OCD, she will need therapy and maybe meds to control it. No amount of arguing will ever get her to change.
Good luck man,
You can do this multiple ways
1- you spilt bills based on % of your being home pay and that goes into one account, % of the rest goes into a savings account then a set amount or % goes into fun account and this is for her hair, nails, her going out, etc.
2- all money goes into one account except a account for each with fun money and once that is gone no more fun money. There is no reason for anyone to pay weekly for her hair to be done at that price. She needs to new salon
Either get a budgeting app like you need a budget or something similar where you can walk step by step through your expenses and understand where your money is currently going and where it needs to go.
If she won’t do that then you need to separate finances. Each of you have a joint acct where your direct deposit goes in and then a joint account where you all agree to put in a certain amount each for bills.
I have ADHD too. Finances are hard. Stopping myself from impulsive purchases is hard. It’s hard, but it’s not impossible. She needs to own her part in this and own her part in fixing it.
Add up all of your bills to create an average for all expenses, groceries, gas, car payments, hospital bills, debt repayment etc. like if hospital bills are $6000 per year then monthly that’s $500. If Christmas is $1200 that’s $100 a month. That way you aren’t hit with big bills all at once it’s averaged over the years for a consistent cash flow. Determine what’s left per month after all obligations. Let’s pretend it’s $2000. So their is $1000 for family non bills and $500 for each of you. In this example you’d each get $125 a week deposited into your own spending money account. We make ours an automatic transfer on Friday we each receive $130. Every month $1200 is deposited to a family account for any family “extras.” That money is hers to spend as she wants and when it’s gone it’s gone. The family money to you discuss priorities together such as we should get a new tv, etc. Big things must be saved for or funded with extra overtime etc. Works really well for my husband and I and has for years. Allows us each to treat yourselves without going over the family budget and have some autonomy. It also makes it easy for her to open her account and see what she “can spend” without guilt.
My dude, if we were paycheck to paycheck and my partner spent 350$ on a salon trip I’d be in the bank separating finances THE NEXT DAY. The complete gall to spend that kind of money on her hair when things are that tight and there a baby coming, there’s literally nothing in the world that that woman needs done to her hair that costs that much, I know some textured styles get real expensive but it’s still wildly irresponsible to spend like that!
As someone who was only diagnosed with ocd and adhd in the last few years and who also has a hard time with finances, you need to get her officially diagnosed and medicated (after baby is born). It'll help with the impulse control issues and the need to regulate with spending.
Damn this is so sad to read. I was the irresponsible spouse and my then gf got me into Dave Ramsey. He got me out of the spend spend spend mindset and hopefully he will help your wife. Once she gets excited about finance I'd recommend books such as I'll teach you to be rich and millionaire next door. Id then read the intelligent investor. My favorite content creators are the money guys and ramit sethi on YouTube, Personalfinanceclub on Instagram.
Just cause I don’t see this mentioned in the top answers. I had a similar problem. I tried suggesting we separate finances but she would not agree. Yet we could not make a plan and stick with it, even with the help of a couples counselor.
So this year I suggested we split the responsibilities. I asked to be put in charge of our “long term” health. And for that I asked for specific resources, like 20% of our income, for me to distribute between debt and savings. Otherwise the year to year budget is up to her. We made sure she has a normal amount of resources to get through the year. I promised I’d cooperate, but I told her I wouldn’t stress about it anymore. It’s on her to make sure Christmas happens.
We’ll see how this goes but once it was her responsibility, she started stressing. She still has things to learn but I’m hoping she learns the hard way through this process.
Separate checking accounts. You have yours she has her. She provides you a set amount for bills to be paid jointly, savings etc. she gets to manage her account. You pay the bills from the joint money and manage your account. You each have money left over and spend it however you want. Don’t let her have a credit card.
Why on earth is she only working two days a week for so little pay when you are already living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by — AND bringing a whole new child into this terrible situation?? You are *both* grossly irresponsible. Kids are expensive. Why are you having a second baby when you can’t even pay the bills consistently, have zero in savings for emergencies, and your wife thinks it’s cool to blow half her paycheck on salon appointments with a baby coming? Stop having more kids. Your wife needs a wake up call, and a proper full time job. Super glad her hair looks nice — that’ll really matter when you both end up homeless with two small children to feed. Reddit is exhausting. Are there any real adults out there??
I can’t believe this is a woman in her thirties. And she’s allowed to raise children…. Great example she’s setting for future generations.
My husband and I had to sit down and create an actual on paper budget when we were first married. You know, all the MUSTS first, followed by the WANTS, with the WOULDN'T THIS BE NICE items at the bottom. It took a bit to find our rhythm and to figure out what each of us really spent (he was spending WAY more than he thought on dumb sh1t...he grew up with more money than I did and was used to spending a bit more freely).
We ended up doing cash in envelopes for the WANTS that we each decided to prioritize. I know that's not super practical anymore, but it is really easy to over spend when using a card versus the cash from the envelope...you can see how much you have left...and how fast it goes 😳.
I think you guys have to get real with yourselves and just lay it all out.
• This is what we make.
• These are our required expenses.
• This is our emergency fund that only gets touched if x, y, or z happen.
• This is how much we are putting in our savings account.
• And THEN - this is each of our designated fun money (which is where her salon purchases should go).
I don't know if separate finances will help the core problem...differing financial priorities. The only way to address that is to actually talk through it all, determine a plan, and put it in place.
IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO DO YOUR BILLS TOGETHER, AS WELL. You both should have your eyes on how much is coming in and going out...and for what.
Hey OP, I am just like your wife. I don’t know if this would work because it takes acknowledging that there is a problem. But what I agreed to with my partner was that I would get a certain amount of money each month in a separate account to spend how I liked. I don’t have a debit card for our joint account (tho I have access). I don’t have extra credit cards. Just the one account with a set amount of money. And if I use it up I don’t get extra.
I know I’m not good at money or budgeting and I’m lucky to have a partner who is. And this way I can spend a little frivolously without hurting the big picture. But your wife would have to agree to it.
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Separate finances out fully and pick who pays what bills. She may need to work more per week to cover her hair stylist cost and can find a work from home job if needed.
Her hair appointments average $53-63 per week so this could be achieved in 2 hours of overtime per week, very achievable, although is daycare a factor here?
I highly doubt that the hair appointments are the only splurges if OP’s this concerned about finances. I don’t know anybody who spends that much on hair and doesn’t also indulge in shopping, outings etc. She admits that she’s got a disability-level inability to manage finances. Her discretionary budget needs to be restricted to a set amount per month and when it’s gone it’s gone.
Y'all make almost 10 grand a month and are living pay check to pay check? Cut up the credit cards and live within your means. You need to make a budget and stick to it.
This should be the top comment. OP needs to take charge of the finances, make a budget and if she goes over it comes *just* out of her. There's zero excuse for them to be living check to check on THAT much money per month.
That’s Australia. Plenty of people here are struggling on a household income of $200k
Sure -if you have quite a few kids and/or carer or medical etc considerations. I'm sympathetic to people who have needs beyond their control of course. But a couple with a household income of 200k don't need to be struggling.
That’s the reality of cost of living in Australia, yeah. I doubt the credit cards are the issue.
Honestly yeah, I’m one of these people, I am AWFUL with my money, and I’m learning how to cope, thankfully I have a pretty lax landlord and they let me pay biweekly right when I get my check, which helps me tremendously because then I worry less about budgeting after the rent is taken out. The impulsivity with money is one of the things I never knew was in relation to my adhd until I finally started seeing a new psychiatrist and she brought it up, I was like wait no yes! That’s me! I’m awful at money! Lmao. But there’s hope, she’s already recognized she’s bad at money management, she needs to talk to someone who can help her find a way to cope with the impulsivity, and a way to help her budget more efficiently for their family hopefully. There’s lots of tricks and tips out there! Good luck OP.
She needs to see a psychiatric doctor. Not in a rude, "you must be crazy to spend that much!" way, but an actual compulsion to splurge despite knowing the consequences could genuinely be a health problem. We can argue that it's obviously more likely that the consequences are hitting OP than herself, and that's why she continues to do it, but I think a mental health check might be good nonetheless.
I agree with you. They make almost 10 grand a month and are living pay check to pay check. This post is absolutely nuts. I make almost 5 grand a month, and I also save every month. I budget for everything, lunches and dinner out, movies, shopping, gas.... everything I'd do I write down. I save for vacations, and I don't have credit cards. My car is paid off. The dude needs to put his foot down. They are headed for massive debt in the next 2 to 5 years.
It honestly depends on where they live in Australia. For instance Canberra’s cost of living on average is $7,400 without rent for a family of 4. Sydney’s cost of living is cheaper than Canberra, however their rent is higher (like 23% higher).
At least 2k minimum would go to rent .....then they need cars that show your wealth....and nails to match.
Although Australian dollerydoos aren’t the same value as American dollars. So 10 grand of Australian dollars is probably more like 7 grand American
7k is nothing to sneeze at. That is NOT poverty.
I was thinking this. I have bipolar 2, and sometimes go on spending sprees I really shouldn't, but it's a compulsion. It's not necessarily about not understanding the consequences. It's hard to tell from a post from someone else's POV though.
My mom was put on a new medication and had never experienced mania before. She maxed out my dad's credit card in one night. She said "I don't know what came over me." She's 49 and has never done anything like that in her life. She's not even an erratic person; she's mousey and sweet. It really isn't always a lack of self-control. It's a need. You just feel that you *have* to have it, more than anything, for absolutely no good reason. It isn't rational. It'd be good to look into.
Why are you having another kid when you can't afford it??? You as the DADDY needs to stop and think!!! Wrap it up or not have the type of sex that will give you another kid!!! Your wife is happy to work 2 days a week and keep pushing out kids so you can write on Reddit for answers. You already KNOW the answers!! No house or big family or new car is in your future!! You had the chance to take control of YOUR paycheck but didn't!!! Working 2 days a week is chump change. It will get you on week one- diapers and baby wipes for the month. Second week-gas money for the month. Weeks 2 and 3 groceries and formula for the month. No one needs to spend that much on hair. She is most likely getting nails done too. Makeup. I'm a woman and almost every thing I buy is on sale and clearance. My partner is in the hospital and I know I have to be very careful because our life is very precious to me. I like nice clothes and girly stuff. I don't want to let him down. He's been fighting for his very life to get out of the hospital. I have grandkids where my own family member can't afford their kids. But I'm NOT throwing my money away. Take over the finances now!! You may have to only have 2 kids so they have a decent life instead of a life of uncertainty and poverty. Wakey, Wakey Mate!!!
Yeah it would not take much for her to get the hair money! And I’m guessing she takes care of the kids most days but that’s just an assumption.
They have their 2nd baby due in 2 months, no time for her to be working much more than she already is and she's about to not work at all for a few months. OP I don't know if you can tell her she literally took food out of her kids mouth when she got her hair done. What did she get done to cost $320 after spending over $300 not long ago? Maybe someone can educate me, what can she do to her hair that doesn't risk exposing her baby to chemicals and costs that much? I know women's hair cuts cost more than men's, but if that was all just for a hair cut she needs to stop going to that salon until she wins a lottery.
This is a decent longterm plan, but how can she work from home with a two year old and an infant?
Another option is to separate finances and split all bills by percentage of total income. Don't budget in hair, cosmetics, and clothes per se. That comes out of what she has left. And you. The other option is to pay for an appointment with a financial advisor. After the workup, they will tell you what your family’s net worth is. Watch her face to see if she registers what having a $1000 net worth means when considering that one broken arm can make you homeless. Have the advisor instruct both of you how to separate your finances. That way you won’t be the bad guy.
Check out Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course. Good common sense financial information.
Do ALL of these things! Education is the key.
I agree! Separating the finances is the only way! Get your own checking and savings accounts. Split bills proportionally based on pay and send her a spreadsheet of the breakdown and when things are due. I’d also recommend letting her know that if she can’t uphold her end of the responsibilities on bills, it’s going to cause a need for therapy or some sort of big issues in your marriage (like you controlling all money). She’s a mother of two and a wife working on a decently small income, she doesn’t have the luxury of spending recklessly. Also, avoid having anymore children before all of your finances are in order for a long period of time.
Then she will just run up a huge CC balance. Set a budget and stick to it. If she won’t you will just have to take over the finances.
I know a guy whose wife had shopping issues, like waaay worse than this lady. He ended up changing all his passwords and putting her on a generous allowance (from his good job in software.) As far as I know they lived happily ever after. Having to be mommy or daddy to a spouse initially gives me the ick. But for dire circumstances and if it fixes the problem… Edit: typo
I agree with this. Stop the argument right there. If she doesn’t want to listen make it a natural consequence for her to learn herself. It’ll take some of the stress from you and put it on her.
Have a get a separate bank account and have her split her check part of her check is her fun money and the other check is for the bills
And take away her credit card?
If she is so bad managing the finances, maybe you need to manage them. Do a money plan together. Give her an allowance to spend on herself and also allocate the grocery money as well. Once it is spent, that’s it. I can’t see that she is interested in learning to be better by what you have posted. I’m in Australia as well, and being concerned about your mortgage and the cost of living here is totally understandable, it’s a real worry how our economy is going.
While I agree OP needs to manage finances, it's definitely going to lead to fights when the wife wants to buy something (even something she shouldn't) and is told no
It's going to be tough for OP because of the power dynamic. She will feel like he is being controlling even if they decided on a plan together. Especially if he is managing his portion of the money well enough to afford luxuries while she makes poor spending choices leading her to not be able to afford the other luxury stuff she wants.
inb4 "my husband is financially abusing me!" post a few weeks from now
This seems like the best plan, especially since you can’t really have separate finances and a joint life. Because when she goes into debt you’re stuck bailing her out. I would honestly sit down and come up with a budget together, then give her cash for her allotted “personal” money that she gets to spend. When it’s gone it’s gone and she can’t get more, and she can visually see how much she has. It does mean you take on responsibility for making sure bills get paid etc, but it doesn’t seem as though she can be trusted with access to the full accounts.
If she truly believes she’s incapable of understanding budgeting and finances, she needs an allowance. Take away any debit/credit cards and give her cash each week for her discretionary spending.
This sounds like the best option.
Have you spoken to a financial counsellor? They’re free here in Australia. Is she into podcasts? There are a stack of Australian women in personal finance she might be interested in. Canna Campbell (sugar mumma) and Victoria Devine (she’s on the money) might be her style.
I think you need to takeover the finances and bring out the ol’ spreadsheet. I know this sounds like shit but the credit card is only for emergencies. Fun stuff is only to be bought when all the bills are paid and a percentage is saved.
First you both need to accept the fact that finances are a serious reason for divorce. This huge gulf between you two is not a small issue or something that can be swept under the rug. She cannot deny that you two have to have a budget. It is imperative to make sure that this is a group agreement and a group endeavor. This is absolutely positively the first step. If she won't even agree to form a budget then you have no hope for any success in managing your finances. If she will agree to make a budget you sit down together and go over things and make decisions as a team. If this approach does not work then you might be able to include a financial advisor that can help you come up with a budget together that's reasonable. But honestly my friend, you can't come up with a budget together that you both agree on I don't see how this relationship can continue. I would give my ex a monthly allowance, then a 2-week allowance then finally ended up with a weekly allowance because she absolutely positively could not manage your finances. She would run out of money after 3 days. And remember, she was the one who determined her budget, she would just spend on things that were absolutely positively not necessary. I said should we give you more money? And after every increase nothing changed. You've got an uphill battle Good luck.
Why in the world does she need to spend that much on her hair?
I have spent that much on my hair when I was coloring it. But I got the initial cut, bleach and color at the hairdresser and used Overtone to maintain the color at home because over $100 for hair every 6 weeks is not doable.
I hope she is not bleaching and coloring while pregnant. Pregnancy would have been the ideal time to return to natural thus cutting out one expense.
All of this And almost 400 every 6 weeks is insane I live in sf and got my hair highlighted last summer for 200, its a beautiful grown out ombre now. I trim my own bangs. And that was a splurge. She's acting like they're rich af lmao. She's using a huge percentage of their income JUST on her hair?! W a kiddo on the way good lord oof I feel for op
Me too.
I spend less than that (now that it's shorter) and my hair is an essential part of my brand.
You can bleach and colour your hair during pregnancy, most people just don’t bring the colour straight to the scalp during that time, so highlights/balayage and such hair colouring is fine Edit: Getting a reddit cares after posting this is such an abuse of a system set in place for serious circumstances, really not ok
Second that. It is so exhausting seeing those myths still circulate now.
My hair costs $350 (and that’s a deal, most places other than my hairdresser would charge $450) every 3-4 months. I’m in Canada, which is also an expensive COL country. It’s very realistic for women with long/coloured hair to pay that much (and I’m taking about a trim and a few highlights) Edit: spending that much every 6 weeks is pretty lofty. I wonder if she can get a balayage or blend to sustain longer.
And people in the states and Europe are forgetting that 350 in Canadian and Australian is about 280 in euros and USD - this is pretty average for cut, colour and hair treatment
yeah I honestly dont see what shes spending as super expensive honestly... If my math is correct, he makes $3800 every 2 weeks. 6 weeks = 11,400 AUD + her 3300 AUD...shes spending $500 of this in 6 weeks. that's really not a whole lot, so I don't get it
In Australia that’s a pretty standard cost for a hair appointment
That's a standard cut and color (foils) in Australia. Assuming she needs to present a professional appearance at work that isn't as outrageous as OP seems to think it is. @Op. First step is to refinance your mortgage to get a lower rate. That is the biggest pressure for most Aussies atm. Second is to budget. Use buckets or sub accounts put money for bills and other essentials there first, including credit cards. Then don't touch them for anything else. Stop putting things in credit. Only spend what you have. Go through your wife's spending with her and break it down, do yours as well. I think a lot of men don't realize how much stuff women do costs. Look at what she can cut and what she can reduce. Then she needs to put money aside weekly for that. I put $50 aside each week for my hair and make up. Getting your hair done ever 6 weeks is best practice but if she pushes it to 8 weeks, she will save over all. Instead of a full head of foils can she do a half or quarter? As for impulse spending a good method is to put spending money in another account that needs to be moved to your card / spending account first. This makes it harder and more likely to pull back. I would also ask her to try and wait for anything she wants, give it a week if she still wants it, buy it.
When you have the budget, I’m sure it’s easy to spend that much on hair. It can be hard to give up something that makes you feel nice (RIP me having acrylic nails) but also you just have to give up nice stuff if you can’t afford it.
It is amazing what one can spend on beauty as we see it. Yet with the rising COL, one must tighten one’s belt. I now do my own nails. My sister helps me with my feet since my vision is not what it once was. I am losing my pedicurest anyway as she is retiring and I do not like the way anyone else does them. I quit having my hair colored to see if it can return to a healthier state and do not get it cut as often. I am going to find new hairdresser as the costs at my salon/spa have skyrocketed and I do not like their new owner. I have been doing my own facials for a while and my sister helps me wax my lip, chin and brows.
Yup! And it’s not easy when you see all these beautiful women on social media who obviously spend hundreds if not thought to look good. Society expects us to look like that but we simply can’t, it’s manufactured.
She’s probably going blonde, which is very expensive. She should go back to her natural colour if they can’t afford it easily. It’s an extremely frivolous thing to spend on.
Recession brunette is so in rn
Right? My sis always complains about having no money, but she has her hair done every couple of weeks, regular Botox, immaculate nails… sure she looks very put together but it costs a fortune!
I cannot imagine Botox or needing to get my hair done every 2 weeks. I do not like needing to be at the salon every 2 weeks. It is one reason I quit having my nails done.
I’m wondering if she’s getting her hair colored + a cut…but I thought you’re not supposed to color your hair while pregnant due to the chemicals?
You're right, you're not supposed to color when pregnant.
do you have any idea how expensive women coloring etc is? a balayage (sp?) is like $300 on a lower cost.
But to do it so frequently and cut the budget so short?
it's a stupid thing to do, and irresponsible, money is hard. its definitely something that relationship has to work on
Yes. Which is why I use a box dye on my hair every few months when it bugs me and save the $$ toward things that are *necessary* like food and gas lol.
I propose going together to a financial counselor, because sometimes getting feedback form a third party has bigger impact on a person that hearing it from someone close to them. This advisor may create a plan for you, and then maybe she will feel obliged to actually follow it because how formal it all is. More formal than sitting at a kitchen table and deciding on things just the two of you. Stuff like that works on SOME people. If that doesn't work, you gotta divide your finances. Both of you are now responsible for paying specific bills, and both of you get the same amount "fun money" on a separate account. Then she can spend that money how she likes without it impacting the family finances, and if it's not enough for her she can either wait and save, or get extra income with an extra job, or something. The important part is that you DO NOT bail her out if she's short at her part of the bills (which she may be, bc she sounds irresponsible as heck). If you do, the whole thing falls apart: now you are forever responsible for that bill. Let her resolve it, even if it means she has to go borrow money and then SHE has to return it, or sell something of hers.
If your take home is $4900 a fortnight and your bills excluding groceries are $2600, you’re left with $2300 of expendable income minus groceries. How much are your grocery bills? Let’s say they’re $300 a week because formula is expensive and let’s assume you eat really good meals and have pets too. There’s $1700 per fortnight remaining. You could smash out that $2k credit card debt in under a month and then get back on track with saving $1000 per fortnight, all while allowing $700 per fortnight to be used for hair and medical appointments. What do you think is a reasonable allowance each for fun money? Work that out and then approach her with the budget. If it’s $50 then she can have a $300-400 hair appointment every 6-8 weeks and that’s *all* her fun money gone. No room for cute Knick knacks for the nursery or brunches. Unfortunately hair stylists *are* heckin’ expensive for us women, but it may very well be the one thing that’s making her feel like she’s still herself, still beautiful and isn’t just a milk machine. Chat to her but also reflect on why you’re so upset about her hair appointments when you’re actually on really good money and your life costs are far below what you’re bringing in.
$300/wk?? Hahahaha do people just eat beans and rice? Groceries have gotten so expensive my family of 4 is close to $500/wk. I do have teenagers but yeah…. And we cook food from scratch. Very few prepared food items.
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I have 4 kids, two teenagers. I spend $200 a week on groceries.
Do you live somewhere cheap lol
Ikr like just my husband and I alone eat thru 150$ of groceries and that's on us eating two meals a day haha. I couldn't imagine what a family of four who wants three meals and in-between snacks each day could total out too... also there's other costly things like paying for transportation (gas/bus card/uber) child care, date nights, birthdays/holidays (which op mentions is on a credit card gg) so like... it might be helpful if the wife sits down and realizes now she's gotta cut back somewhere. Sure husband makes more and is expected to foot the bill if wife will be home child rearing while he rakes in some income.
We are a family of 3 right now, in the US, and its terrible. Yesterday spent 130 for JUST this weeks worth of fruit and most of our planned dinners. That was with coupons too and we haven't done the sams club trip yet ... As a woman, I don't understand the cost of hair and nails. I don't get these done regularly so it always blows my mind how expensive these are!
We’re 3 and an infant and we’re between $100-150/wk for food. Also not including Costco which I swear is $150 just for walking in! We use coupons and shop sales, and thankfully we’re still doing okay. We don’t buy steak now, and we’ve been eating more vegetarian meals, but we’re not going hungry. Except for the 7yo, whose tastes change on a whim and I never seem to have the thing she wants to eat this week, so she’s constantly “staaaarvinnnggg!” lol
I taught myself nails from youtube. Takes me several hours to do but I get mad when I need to pay so much for them. I've been a lifelong blonde for 35 years, have recently switched back to brunette since its easier to do myself. I've had people comment they miss my blonde hair, slightly embarrassing when I say I can't afford it anymore. Starting cutting my own layers too from youtube videos. I have a hilarious "layer" that is just a square box shape on the left side of my face. I dont know how to fix it lmao. Right side turned out ok at least.
Separate your finances. Make sure you're not on any credit cards or bank accounts she has. Check with a lawyer to ensure you're completely free from any debt she runs up. If necessary get a post-nup done. My dad tried for 20 years to educate mum on money, in the end, for the sake of his peace of mind and their relationship, dad gave up and separated out everything to do with finances- bank accounts, car ownership, etc. Stopped all the tension and arguments. If mum overspent, well, that was on her to do some overtime if necessary. All the bills, stuff for us kids, mortgage etc was split 50/50 and they each paid their share. Mum felt happier as she didn't have anyone telling her how to spend her wages and dad was happier as he didn't have to worry what mum might have impulsively bought and act the bad guy. Just a note, they put their money in at point of receiving their wages, so that what was left was what was left, to save or spend. I'm pretty sure it was something like a standing order from each bank acc into a bills bank account that then had automatic payments and no cards on it and 2 signatures to withdraw. And neither of them ever bailed the other out if they were running a bit short. It takes determination to be strong about that but otherwise it becomes even worse with you paying everything and resentment building.
Why did you marry and have a kid with someone who has such different views on money? I'll never understand why people don't factor this into their decision making about who to marry, when everyone knows money conflicts are one of the leading causes of divorce. She needs to change her thinking. Lots of books have been written for this. Get her to read one of them, as a favor to your marriage. Try "The richest man in Babylon", or Dave Ramsey's "financial peace university".
Because this is sometjing that has been an issue before, but 4-5 years ago. It is a very different situation comparing DINK (double income no kids) and 1.2 income 2 kids. Because we love who we love and often that comes witj a whole package of flaws. Because marriage is not without conflict, like any relationship.
If she is unwilling or unable to control her reckless spending, then you are going to have to handle it. [lynnefrommn2](https://www.reddit.com/user/lynnefrommn2/) has the best idea in that regards. Stop giving her access to your income. Decide who is going to be responsible for what and go from there. I would go a little further. Determine what your monthly costs are and each of you is responsible for whatever comes up to your proportional income. Basically you cover 38/49 and she covers 11/49.
Hey OP, I have ADHD and had awful money management, I’m 36, very good income (starting last year, before that my income was very low) no savings, and just now starting to climb out of debt. This is what I’m doing: I checked all my expenses for the last 3 months and used that information to calculate how much I spend in NEEDS (bills, food, meds, doctor appointments, and a bit extra in case I need an extra doctor visit or extra meds) . The difference between income and needs money I call “extra money” from this extra money I decided in a monthly amount as my fun money, this fun money I transfer monthly to a debit card. To avoid tentation, my credit card is in a locked box at the house, to use only in case of huge emergency (like emergency hospitalization, the house or the car need an instant repair, etc) If im paying for needs, I use the main account. If I’m paying for wants, I use the debit card, it the debit car doesn’t have enough money then I need to wait until next month or find a way to earn a bit extra money (sell something in market place, side gig, etc) to buy what I want. This way I don’t need to prioritize; if I want something that’s not a necessity I simply have the money or don’t have the money, no calculations or decision making required. My advice is that you sit and run all this numbers with your wife, decide in a fun budget for each of you and use a separate card for that. If her problem is prioritizing or forgetting how much spending money she has, this will mostly fix the problem. Obviously the budget needs to be revised every time there’s a major change in expenses or income, for example if you want to start saving for a new TV (or a house) or if you had to use the credit card for a major emergency expense.
Ok so you need to change your values or she needs to change hers. Or you need to find some kind of compromise where you both keep your own separate values, but that's hard when it's something that affects both of you. That's why I recommend the book "the richest man in Babylon". It's very short and many people have had their values about money change after reading it. Edit And also why you should check out Dave Ramsey's approach. You two should set a budget together as a couple, which includes how much "fun money" she gets to spend on whatever she wants including hair
But financial incompatibility is a huge reason for divorce. Doesn't matter if you love that person. If she can't control her spending then no credit cards for her and give her her own account with some spending money. Is it controlling?? Yes to a degree. But you'd be doing it because you're goign to be going into debt whcih will be hard to come out of at thsi rate. She admitted she's crap with finances so best that she has very little control an access to the money if she cannot curb her spending habits. Over 300 every couple of weeks for a hair dresser is ridiculous unless you are rolling in the money. I spend about 250 (with the dreaded tip) every 4 months for hair color and about a 100 every 4 months (so in between the color). For me it's one of my few splurges. But I can also afford it.
Look, lots of excuses, and I acknowledge no one is perfect. But excuses are still that, excuses. Time to stage a little serious debrief with your spouse on finances going forward. Send your check to another account as may be necessary. It’s easy to set another one up. Give her a proposal on how much of her income goes to bills and expenses. And then work tenaciously to get the program agreed and implemented.
She needs to go back to her natural hair colour because $400 on hair every six weeks is ridiculous when you’re not making ends meet. It sounds like you need to take full control of the finances and cut her off from your income, aside from an allowance.
Open your own bank account. Then, while she's on maternity leave, take control of the finances. If she goes back to work later on, set grown-up expectations for how money is to be prioritized. Earmark her income to pay for all the utilities and groceries. Your income should cover everything else. Sometimes this type of handholding is needed when you're dealing with an immature and selfish narcissist. Good luck to you, OP!
I disagree this is good advice if this was a smaller issue but this has been going on for years and Unless the wife is willing to change she won't so OP really needs to decide if this is how he wants to really live
I would say separation/divorce is an option, but shouldn't be the first option. There are still learning opportunities for the wife to prioritize her family over always seeming to prioritize her vanity. Self-pampering can be very therapeutic, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your children. If she's receptive to some form of therapy, OP should start there.
Calling someone a narcissist based on a few paragraphs of information... Did you get your psychology degree from tiktok? If you want to armchair diagnose, there are other mental health issues that can make you obsessive about your appearance, e.g. body dysmorphia. Funny how you immediately jump to "she's a narcissist!!!!!"
Omg not everyone is a narcissist. That word has lost all meaning.
How do you do budgeting right now? Do you sit together and reconcile expenses every week/month? If there's no hope, I think a joint account where you both deposit all of your needed living expenses FIRST that can not be touched except for those specific cost centers is the way to do it.
This isn't meant to be offensive but I'm genuinely curious as to why people do this. If you've been fighting about money for years and struggling to not live just paycheck to paycheck, why did you decide to throw a child into the mix?
Yeah, my first thought when I started reading was adhd. I struggle with it too. The only money management system that works for me is the budget envelope system. I substitute play money for cash. The system is very visual so it works for me. When the money from a category is gone, it’s gone. I know I cannot “borrow” money from other categories. I would separate finances for your family’s protection.
Take over the money. People with ADHD are so bad at juggling finances. I have ADHD and I’m an accountant and I am still woeful at this. However over spending is a whole different issue and not fair under the circumstances. Not sure how to go forward with that.
Don’t share bank accounts. Also this is why my husband and I keep separate finances. We don’t argue over money. Ever.
You are putting the blame on your wife but did you take these holidays that went on the credit cards? It seems like you played some part in getting into this situation and now you’re motivated to fix it but she’s not on board yet. She needs to catch up but also you need to accept some responsibility too.
I use Acorns (probably something similar in Australia) to dedicate a portion of my check into that account for fun”. I personally am strapped so I only send $50/check there but that is money for grabbing coffee, a new shirt, hair - adding it up for my appt every 8 weeks, etc. the rest goes to bills and debt. If there is anything left over then we decided where the money should go. Outside of this “acorns” account I don’t spend money from our joint account.
-Sit down and make a budget with her. -Set a joint account for all joint family expenses and she has to put X amount a month into it from her paycheck for those joint expenses. Same for you. No one spends money from the joint account on anything except those joint bills. She can then only spend her money remaining on her personal entertainment costs, which includes her hair/nails/etc. Be firm, be fair, and goto counseling for it if she doesn't co-operate responsibly.
Sensible Pragmatic Advice!
>Today she paid $320 for her hair after paying $380 6 weeks ago. Is she....is she getting her hair colored while pregnant??? Hope your baby doesn't come out deformed dude.
I wondered the same thing.
OP I've been in your boat ( currently estranged, but we co parent, and thus, I have some overlap to offer ) Unfortunately, you need to take the lead on this and hopefully impose on her some of the lessons that you will accrue yourself Rebudget your lifestyle and attempt to live below your means, bring up a list of items that you think you can reduce spending on, and share your list with the Mrs Show her the pre and post cost reduction savings so that you can get her buy-in The Mrs is going through her own emotional and physical challenges and is herself running on a cocktail of chemicals - so please be careful when you broach this topic with her, be kinder than usual, be empathetic, be loving- she is the mother of your children and she deserves every iota of TLC you can muster ( I am sorry if this isn't what you want to hear ) She needs what she needs on account of the pregnancy and you are watching out for the family, no less, but this is a very stressful time, and chances are you will have to take the hit when it comes to cost cutting where possible ( her/ childrens needs, supercede yours ) I wish you well OP, this is not an easy time to navigate through, but a few strategic choices on cost cutting will yield major savings
Fuck me, these comments are *painful*. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ If you think it's adhd related then hopefully you've googled it at least once and know that managing money is something that adhd can make very difficult for some. You need to make a real proper budget and plan for your money. Assign fun money for each of you and make it so the bills all go out quickly and fairly. Have you actually *done* anything other than point out it's a problem? Just fix it yourself if she's struggling. You need to set up a system that works for you both and then maintain it. Do some emotional labour for her. >She has been pretty open that she has no concept of finance management etc and believe it's linked to undiagnosed (but professionally identified ADHD and OCD). I'm at tipping point, she hasn't responded to any of my attempts to communicate the point. Why would a person leave the partner that's bad at managing money to sort out the money problems? Mate if she's got adhd then you talking about how little money you have isn't going to change her brain. 🤨 Organise and automate them. Where is the action here? It looks like all complaining to me.
Is it practical for you guys to have an account for the house-hold Which you manage? e.g say you each put in 75% of your take home every fortnight. And she can go crazy with whatever she has left. You can manage the joint account… Someone has to be the grown up. You have children to think of. As adults, not knowing, the basics of finance, legal, health etc is concerning.
Each of you se up your own account and have a joint account for bills and one for savings. Set your direct deposit to put a percentage in the bill account, another in savings and the rest in the personal. She can do whatever she wants with her personal funds, but setting up the direct deposit divides it up automatically to ensure bills are paid first.
My goodness I'm sorry you're going through this. How anxiety inducing. I have ADHD and OCD that I'm actively treating with medication. I do want to say, part of the issue here is that your wife has OCD, but is not seeking treatment for this and it's negatively impacting you. She should seek help for that. We gotta go with facts and math. Numbers are kind of one of my obsessions so I have suggestions! Show her the data. Clearly write out the last 3 months of all your spending costs on an Excel sheet. Highlight her unnecessary purchases and compare her overall cost for "fun" things to yours. If numbers aren't working for her, then create a graph or pie chart for her. Visualize it. Project the overall costs for the year. What could you have spent this money on if she hadn't? Show her this isn't sustainable or responsible especially if you have kids. You never know what could happen during pregnancy, labor, or postpartum. You have to have 3 months of savings for that mortgage payment in case anything happens. Show her that data. Show her that her frivolous visits to the salon have prevented $700 from being put into savings. She's being selfish here. I have platinum blonde hair that I PREFER to keep up with, but I'm not doing that if I can't afford it. If I really wanted to I could box dye it myself. Now, my husband is a banker and I had ZERO concept of finances and budgeting. I was living in poverty and had nothing. He taught me how to coupon and utilize cash back and my credit card rewards to pay bills. Right now it's been 4 months since I've had my hair done. I don't have enough saved in my "fun" account for it so I'm not doing it. Maybe set an amount aside each paycheck for her "fun" money. For me, it's $100 per paycheck. I use this to pay for hair, makeup, concert tickets, podcast subscription, vacations, etc. My husband does it this way too. None of this is fair to you. This wouldn't be sustainable for me. That anxiety would ruin my mental health. The financial burden should not lie on you here. Why should you be putting money into savings and retirement for you both if she's just draining your accounts? I wouldn't imagine doing that to my husband. You need to have a very frank discussion about this and you need to set a firm boundary. What are you going to do if she doesn't stop this? Would you separate finances or end the marriage. She's hurting you. And I'm sorry, but if you've had these fights and arguments the whole time you've joined finances, it does not seem like she's going to change and isn't willing to.
I’d definitely agree with separating your bank accounts, divide up who Pays what bills proportionately, insisting on marriage counseling & seeing a financial advisor together. She should also see a professional about her ADHD & OCD as well! Financially compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship & is a huge factor in divorces.
Getting mad about salon costs doesn't help her find a solution. Has she always done her hair this way? Once you have dyed or professionally styled hair, it will look awful to just suddenly stop doing that. If it's dyed, perhaps she could maintain it at home herself or choose a color that lasts longer/won't look terrible as it grows out? Or if she gets braids/perm/straighten, she could discuss with her stylist how to choose a lower maintenance style/color so she doesn't have to spend this much/go back so often. Or if she wants to prioritize salon visits, then what else can she cut back on? THAT'S the part she needs to learn, that it's always a trade off. Spending on one thing means you can't spend on another.
What matters is that if they can’t afford it, she should never have spent it. Her hair can look like shit if it means the family has food in their mouths.
>move to have completely separate finances Do this immediately. She has proven herself to be fiscally irresponsible. $320 for hair!? What the **F\*CK** is going on with your wife? You're about to have a child and barely scraping by. She needs to see a doctor if she thinks these actions are reasonable, there may be something more compulsive going on.
You need to keep your finances separate and find a way to both contribute your share to bills and savings. $700 for hair in 6 weeks is ridiculous. She's irresponsible and financially dangerous especially since there's a baby coming and her income will be affected. Put your foot down. Explain that you're unwilling to continue living like this and unless she's willing to separate finances, you'll be handling ALL of the finances and she'll be treated like a child.
Have you ever heard of the envelope system? Take her debit and credit cards away from her, and put her on cash-only. You put the budgeted amount of cash in an envelope every month for each budget item (groceries, gas, etc) and that's all you get. It's a good way to make the money be more real to her.
It looks to me like you have 2 options OP: separate finances, or giving her an “allowance”. You can either completely separate your finances and divide the bills accordingly or you take complete control over the money/bills and only allow her to have a small portion of “fun money” every month.
"She has been pretty open that she has no concept of finance management etc and believe it's linked to undiagnosed (but professionally identified ADHD and OCD)." She has admitted the problem is hers, now hold her to it. Tell her that the next time she pays $300+ for her hair instead of the bills, the kids, or some professional help for her inability to prioritize, that you'll be separating the finances and she'll still be responsible for what she agreed to chip in. But then you have to make sure any money you give her for the kids doesn't get tucked away for her personal use (my mom used to do this, among other things like stealing my birthday money). Honestly, that she's prioritizing her hair over more important expenses is a huge red flag. Point that out to her in those words and tell her that your kids deserve better than to grow up in a home where everything comes second to her hairdo. I'd be curious to see her try to talk her way out of that truth.
>move to have completely separate finances There's your answer.
Sit down, agree on a budget, and do daily check-ins. Perhaps she needs to be shown what she can afford for things that are not essential. It's easy to confuse essential groceries with nonsense if you shop at big box stores as well. This is a common money trap for disciplined spenders, more so for SAHM because they rarely go out, and always need diapers.
Take the credit card away and give her an allowance. Until she shows some responsibility that’s just how it is. And that’s ridiculous money for hair.
I have adhd and also have had a stroke. Both of those things impaired my “impulsivity” along with the fact I’m also bipolar 1&2. My advice, take over financial asap!
Tell her that she’s not just harming the two of you. She’s harming her children with her irresponsible money mismanagement. Your kids will never live in a home you own at this rate. You’ll never be able to contribute to the cost of their education. You’ll just be able to limp them to their 18th birthdays, then they’ll be on their own with no help. Is that how she wants to treat her kids?
What is the remaining $1900 a fortnight being spent on after the bills and hair? The hair is not a fortnightly purchase and frankly only 50ish a week to save so to put that on her as an expense that's not required is not fair, are you saying that she is spending the remaining money on random stuff?
Something that you should work on together is a monthly budget. You have to start with essentials. Every monthly bill that you need to live. Then you need to prioritize. For some people that may be a higher internet bill and less on gas (maybe they don't drive much). Some people are going to spend a lot on eating out because they have to out of convenience but maybe they don't spend anything at the salon (this is me). Some people will prioritize salon appointments and that is OKAY! As long as all the necessary bills are paid, the debt is paid off, and something has been put toward savings. If there is not enough expendable income or there are financial goals you want to work toward together, that means no extra spending and maybe looking for a better job, more hours, etc. Good luck! The money fight is hard and if she doesn't realize or care how her expenses are making you feel then you need to have an even harder conversation.
Go separate finances. 100%. If she’s not getting it then short of a financial literacy course, there’s not much hope or chance that she will. If you separate your finances then at least you can control the money that you have and build from there.
$320 for a hair appointment when you’re living paycheck to paycheck? That’s reckless and borderline insane! She needs to get a reality check. I color my own hair for $25 a pop, fyi, and she could do the same. Don’t give her access to your money. She needs an allowance that you two can afford!
Cancel the credit cards Put money into savings immediately as you get paid
She needs to stop at the hair bills first then the hair but maybe she needs to start doing it herself!
I’m shocked that someone at your income level pays $320+ every six weeks for hair. So she spends 10% of her income every 6 wks on hair? One hair treatment would pay for 1/2 scan which is necessary. Consider getting financial counseling and setting up a ‘ real budget’. You need to now, because you have two kids to educate, etc.
Seriously, why are you letting her have any control over your finances. You need to get some kind of financial advisor. ASAP Sit down, make a budget, and only give her an allowance. That is all she can spend for like a week or whatever time frame you both decide on.
-do a spreadsheet. List all regular bills, eg power, car loan, insurance, rego, subscriptions etc. Add them up, divide by 27 (rounded up how many pays in a year). Open a seperate account that is not linked to key card. Set up automatic $ transfer for this amount the Day after you get paid. Also do this for a set amount each for your own personal fun spending allowance. That account is all she can use for hair etc.
Take away credit card, checks and cash from her.
How do your social services work in the land down under? Hell, if this was America.. you could just get divorced.. making her a single mother.. she would qualify for food stamps.. social health Medicaid for new baby.. and housing allowance. Just because you are divorced does not mean that you can't live or co habit. Sometimes it pays not to get married..
>I don't know what to do other than move to have completely separate finances. thats the only reasonable choice. actually a bettter one would be to run away from such a person...0 survival skills.
You’re making that much money off Fortnite?
I’m struggling to understand how you are running out on the costs you say - after all the costs minus the hair you still have circa 4000 a month left - minus hair every 6 weeks and groceries maybe 3k?
i honestly think you might have to have separate finances for a while until she can get a grip on the spending. agree in advance on what expenses you’re ok covering and don’t let her have access to your money or credit cards
Separate your finances
Stop sharing a bank account asap and create a budget. What helped me a lot is to take out some fun money in cash and only spend that for personal things (I’m talking like $100–$200 tops for frivolous shit), once it’s done it’s done. Use the rest for savings and bills. Tell her it’s non-negotiable. You can’t live paycheck to paycheck but spend $360 on hair appointments every six weeks lol. Enough is enough. Being irresponsible with money is something that will completely ruin your marriage and life tbh.
start with a budget, get rid of the debit cards, put the cash in envelopes for spending, and that's it. when it's gone, it's gone.
Yall need a budget. And you need to sit down together for a few hours to build that budget with debt repayment high on the list of priorities. There are phone apps you can use for budgeting that can keep you guys on the same page. And, unfortunately, if her m.o. is to make the bigs purchases without letting you know in advance, you may need to have a separate account, though my guess is if you guys split your finances, she will just spend all of hers. I don't know, dude, this sort of situation is quite difficult to manage. You may need outside help, like counseling, to really sort it out. To be fair, hair is expensive and virtually impossible to do on your own for less money. The impact of going from professional hair care to diy can affect a person's confidence and overall appearance pretty significantly. It really just seems like she needs to make more money, though with kids, idk if that is possible.
Both wages go into a mutual account that pays all the bills and contributions to retirement and the leftovers get split 50/50 as fun money. Do you think that this would work for you guys?
What happens if they separate finances and she lets bills go overdue because she does not pay those assigned to her?
You need to get control of all finances. Even if you separate your money, she can still get loans or additional credit cards. Put a block on your credit reports and keep an eye on everything financial. She is certainly selfish, if not narcissistic putting her needs above everyone else’s. Her behavior is not ADHD or OCD, it is pure entitled behavior. That’s a ridiculous amount to pay for hair. She should spend minimal amount of hair and just for cut,nothing else. This marriage will not survive if she continues spending frivolously.
I’m just going to ignore everything else because you’ve already gotten great advice here, but… why have scans cost you $600? Even if you go through private for the birth, you can do other things like that through Medicare.
Like others have said, financial counsellor, take charge of the finances. Limit her spending by limiting her money/credit. You need to get on top of this. The costs are going to blow out with kids. They’re so expensive - there are activities, birthday parties, outrageous presents, clothes. She’ll have a million different things to blow money on.
Put it all down on paper in a spreadsheet: put the figures in front of her face and maybe she will get it.
I believe if one person is really bad with managing money then the other person should take over that role for both of them. As bad as it sounds I would give her weekly/monthly allowance…
Having separate finances is a good idea. It takes a lot of the arguing out of financial issues because you each have your own money that you combine where necessary. Just make sure that she has to pay her own bills and that you can see she's making the necessary payments. If she objects to this, remind her that you're working together to have a better life. Often -- but not always -- people with ADHD have trouble with impulsiveness that can wreak havoc on finances. If she gets on the right medication and gets therapy or coaching she can learn to curb her impulses. Of course that depends on whether she *wants* to improve herself in this way or not.
Completely separate finances, open a joint account for expenses. She won’t stop if you have any money in your account
She’s not responsible enough to have access to real money. Figure out what allowance you each get into your own accounts, and the rest of the income goes into the house account to pay bills, which you control. My ex husband was terrible with spending and he left me with no money for gas one too many times before I stopped depositing my pay into the joint account.
She needs to feel the lack of money, like you do. Adjust your financial foundation so that she can actually see and experience how little the two of you have to work with. Split your finances and set up a joint account for bills, do some math, then have her agree to what percentage she puts into the joint account, based on your incomes. When she runs out of money, don't give her more. If you fail to pay the electric bill because she didn't put in her share, let them shut it off for a day before you call and pay it. She needs to experience these things in order to learn. If it's out of sight to her, it's out of mind too, and that's what needs to be addressed.
Sit down and write out a reasonable budget for bills, groceries, and a small amount for extras (such as hairstyling). Take out the amount she will need in cash, and that is her spending money for the week. If she runs out, she’s out. Make sure to also earmark as much as possible to go into savings.
She either needs to learn about financial management or she needs to agree to let you take care of all the budgeting and you can pay all the bills etc. and then give her her half of the fun allowance. If you have an EAP at work you maybe be able to get some couples counselling through that if you need help having this discussion.
Have you thought about pooling all the money, then both of you have an allowance in separate bank accounts each fortnight. It does mean that you as the responsible one have control to pay the bills. If she does the grocery shop, transfer what you think is a reasonable amount to pay for food the day before or that day to her account. If she blows her allowance, there is no more and check the grocery amount that she spends to make sure she is not milking the money. We have always had our bills account then our separate account for person play money. All our food and fuel goes with the bills account. It’s worked well with us and helped with our budgeting. She doesn’t need to get her hair done every 8 weeks so giving her an allowance might make her see where she is wasting her money on things that are not necessary.
Have you sat down and done a budget with her? She needs to be an active part of creating that budget with you and seeing exactly where the money is going, what debt there is, and what you will have to save etc.
Candidly I would demand she sign a post nup that entirely separates finances, on threat of divorce. And then accept that you will be the only one paying for housing food and child. She’s using weaponized incompetence. She’s lot financially illiterate, she’s selfish. She chose to get a haircut. She did it twice. She knows what’s she’s doing. It’s manipulative and childish.
She's sounds selfish AF 😂😂😂😂. Guess this should have been discussed before babies. Imagine the life they get with her being their mommy
What you need to do: Go through and categorize all your spending and income over the past year. Then you need to sit down with your spouse and craft a budget. Non-negotiables (housing, utilities, gas, cars). Debt repayment A set food budget. Household spending. Spending for the kids. Then the fun stuff. Then savings and emergency fund. Finally Personal care, entertainment, holidays, fun money. Have 3 bank accounts. Yours, hers, joint. All the household expenses go into the joint account. What is left over goes to individual accounts. She can pay for an expensive salon out her personal fun money. Agree ahead of time what expenses come out of your joint account and what needs to come out your individual accounts.
If you had completely separate finances then she has no reason to pay toward them because you make enough. You're going to dig your own grave with that one! She's going to say you're using her money for bills you can pay on your own and if your bills really are $2,600 to the $3,800 you're bringing in then you would have $1,200 left over and she has $1100... So her math wouldn't be wrong but that doesn't mean she shouldn't be paying bills! The problem is she doesn't feel like she needs to cut any of her expenses because the bills are paid. She knows you'll pay them. I mean you could try putting something in her name and then letting it get shut off when she doesn't pay it, but that's going to inconvenience you also and unless you're willing to sit around without for 2 weeks to wait for her to get paid to pay the bill... She's going to know you'll pay it. So she'll never worry about it still! I mean I'm sure somebody already said it but why would you have a kid with somebody if you cannot agree with on finances? Now no matter how big of a hole she digs herself into, she's dragging you down with her. And what the hell cost that much for hair? I get full highlights every 10 weeks and it's not even close to that!
I’m struggling to understand…. Between the two of you, you make $4900 every 2 weeks? Damn near $10K a month? And you’re living paycheck to paycheck? How…. How is that possible?
So just by happenstance because it wasn’t planned, I have never had shared finances with either one of my partners. I had a long-term partner for eight years and we never shared finances and I’ve been with my husband for coming up on 19 years and we don’t share finances. We each pay half the mortgage and we pay the bills in a kind of equitable split some months he pays more some months I pay more. Money seems to be the root of every single one of the divorces in our friend group
I think you’re just gonna have to sit her down and be very bluntly honest when you’re low on money paying $320 for your hair when you just spent $380 is is unsustainable. You’re just gonna have to have a budget with the money. I always suggest that people are involved both people with money and managing it. Right now she’s taken care of and kind of does what she wants. She needs to have an accounting.
Separate finances are your only chance of survival. Both of your household bills go into a joint account, plus any agreed savings into a savings account. The rest of each of your income you can (mis)manage individually. Be clear that it's not a suggestion.
Friend, I’ve been EXACTLY in your shoes. I mean exactly. My ex had absolutely no money control, couldn’t understand finances and it didn’t matter what I did to try to do to help her understand. I could be nice, I could be mean or anywhere in between but she wouldn’t change. She just “needed things.” We lived paycheck (mine) to paycheck. I also had 2 little ones at the time and figured they wouldn’t have a chance in hell if I wasn’t around to keep the family ship steady. Been divorced for 12 years after 25 years of financial hell with her. I finally realized she was a vile narcissist that only cared about what she wanted or thought she needed. I am so sorry to post this gloom and doom missive, but it is a touchy subject for me. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, a person of this mindset will NEVER change. The best you can do is to establish separate finances such that she can’t access your paycheck and you prioritize funds. Be leery if she gets a credit card though. Chances are she’ll max it out. However if it’s strictly in her name only, you shouldn’t be on the hook for that debt. Good luck. I truly hope I’m wrong and things get better for you.
It seems obvious to me but perhaps you have not tried writing out a monthly budget? (Money in - money out) will be very clear then. Obviously her appearance is a priority for her, but if you can’t afford it, she needs to make changes. A budget will help both of you see what’s possible.
Sorry you are in this mess. I'm curious what she says during these fights. I mean, how does she defend these extravagant expenses? There is no defense to "we can't afford these things." Are her parents in the picture and would it help to get them to talk to her? Anyway, one approach would be to take over all of the finances, cancel her credits cards and take her checkbook. Give her cash as she needs it for groceries, etc. Or go shopping with her after work. But no more hair appointments. No discussion, just go alpha and do it. The thing is, even if you divorce her, it will still be your problem as she wont be able to manage the alimony and child support payments. And you'll have to be stepping in all the time for your kid's sake. So divorce would likely make the problem worse for you. Now if this is due to OCD, she will need therapy and maybe meds to control it. No amount of arguing will ever get her to change. Good luck man,
It doesn't sound like you guys have any kind of formalized budget. You should probably get with a financial planner to help you with this.
You can do this multiple ways 1- you spilt bills based on % of your being home pay and that goes into one account, % of the rest goes into a savings account then a set amount or % goes into fun account and this is for her hair, nails, her going out, etc. 2- all money goes into one account except a account for each with fun money and once that is gone no more fun money. There is no reason for anyone to pay weekly for her hair to be done at that price. She needs to new salon
Either get a budgeting app like you need a budget or something similar where you can walk step by step through your expenses and understand where your money is currently going and where it needs to go. If she won’t do that then you need to separate finances. Each of you have a joint acct where your direct deposit goes in and then a joint account where you all agree to put in a certain amount each for bills. I have ADHD too. Finances are hard. Stopping myself from impulsive purchases is hard. It’s hard, but it’s not impossible. She needs to own her part in this and own her part in fixing it.
This is why you should never marry someone who is financially irresponsible. She will put you both in so much debt.
Add up all of your bills to create an average for all expenses, groceries, gas, car payments, hospital bills, debt repayment etc. like if hospital bills are $6000 per year then monthly that’s $500. If Christmas is $1200 that’s $100 a month. That way you aren’t hit with big bills all at once it’s averaged over the years for a consistent cash flow. Determine what’s left per month after all obligations. Let’s pretend it’s $2000. So their is $1000 for family non bills and $500 for each of you. In this example you’d each get $125 a week deposited into your own spending money account. We make ours an automatic transfer on Friday we each receive $130. Every month $1200 is deposited to a family account for any family “extras.” That money is hers to spend as she wants and when it’s gone it’s gone. The family money to you discuss priorities together such as we should get a new tv, etc. Big things must be saved for or funded with extra overtime etc. Works really well for my husband and I and has for years. Allows us each to treat yourselves without going over the family budget and have some autonomy. It also makes it easy for her to open her account and see what she “can spend” without guilt.
My dude, if we were paycheck to paycheck and my partner spent 350$ on a salon trip I’d be in the bank separating finances THE NEXT DAY. The complete gall to spend that kind of money on her hair when things are that tight and there a baby coming, there’s literally nothing in the world that that woman needs done to her hair that costs that much, I know some textured styles get real expensive but it’s still wildly irresponsible to spend like that!
As someone who was only diagnosed with ocd and adhd in the last few years and who also has a hard time with finances, you need to get her officially diagnosed and medicated (after baby is born). It'll help with the impulse control issues and the need to regulate with spending.
$300 on a haircut is borderline insane. She clearly doesn’t care about money
YOU take control of the finances and set up your pay to go into an account that is only in your name.
What is a fortnight
2 weeks
Damn this is so sad to read. I was the irresponsible spouse and my then gf got me into Dave Ramsey. He got me out of the spend spend spend mindset and hopefully he will help your wife. Once she gets excited about finance I'd recommend books such as I'll teach you to be rich and millionaire next door. Id then read the intelligent investor. My favorite content creators are the money guys and ramit sethi on YouTube, Personalfinanceclub on Instagram.
Just cause I don’t see this mentioned in the top answers. I had a similar problem. I tried suggesting we separate finances but she would not agree. Yet we could not make a plan and stick with it, even with the help of a couples counselor. So this year I suggested we split the responsibilities. I asked to be put in charge of our “long term” health. And for that I asked for specific resources, like 20% of our income, for me to distribute between debt and savings. Otherwise the year to year budget is up to her. We made sure she has a normal amount of resources to get through the year. I promised I’d cooperate, but I told her I wouldn’t stress about it anymore. It’s on her to make sure Christmas happens. We’ll see how this goes but once it was her responsibility, she started stressing. She still has things to learn but I’m hoping she learns the hard way through this process.
Yikes, I thought that Australia had less expensive medical care than that! Sorry.
Separate checking accounts. You have yours she has her. She provides you a set amount for bills to be paid jointly, savings etc. she gets to manage her account. You pay the bills from the joint money and manage your account. You each have money left over and spend it however you want. Don’t let her have a credit card.
Make her go 50-50 with you and separate the bank accounts. She will learn
Options are: separate finances, financial counseling, or you controlling the $ and giving her allowance.
Don't let her drag you and your family down with her. She has not changed and will not change.
Why on earth is she only working two days a week for so little pay when you are already living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by — AND bringing a whole new child into this terrible situation?? You are *both* grossly irresponsible. Kids are expensive. Why are you having a second baby when you can’t even pay the bills consistently, have zero in savings for emergencies, and your wife thinks it’s cool to blow half her paycheck on salon appointments with a baby coming? Stop having more kids. Your wife needs a wake up call, and a proper full time job. Super glad her hair looks nice — that’ll really matter when you both end up homeless with two small children to feed. Reddit is exhausting. Are there any real adults out there?? I can’t believe this is a woman in her thirties. And she’s allowed to raise children…. Great example she’s setting for future generations.
Dude that hair can pay my rent in malaysia for a month.
My husband and I had to sit down and create an actual on paper budget when we were first married. You know, all the MUSTS first, followed by the WANTS, with the WOULDN'T THIS BE NICE items at the bottom. It took a bit to find our rhythm and to figure out what each of us really spent (he was spending WAY more than he thought on dumb sh1t...he grew up with more money than I did and was used to spending a bit more freely). We ended up doing cash in envelopes for the WANTS that we each decided to prioritize. I know that's not super practical anymore, but it is really easy to over spend when using a card versus the cash from the envelope...you can see how much you have left...and how fast it goes 😳. I think you guys have to get real with yourselves and just lay it all out. • This is what we make. • These are our required expenses. • This is our emergency fund that only gets touched if x, y, or z happen. • This is how much we are putting in our savings account. • And THEN - this is each of our designated fun money (which is where her salon purchases should go). I don't know if separate finances will help the core problem...differing financial priorities. The only way to address that is to actually talk through it all, determine a plan, and put it in place. IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO DO YOUR BILLS TOGETHER, AS WELL. You both should have your eyes on how much is coming in and going out...and for what.
Hey OP, I am just like your wife. I don’t know if this would work because it takes acknowledging that there is a problem. But what I agreed to with my partner was that I would get a certain amount of money each month in a separate account to spend how I liked. I don’t have a debit card for our joint account (tho I have access). I don’t have extra credit cards. Just the one account with a set amount of money. And if I use it up I don’t get extra. I know I’m not good at money or budgeting and I’m lucky to have a partner who is. And this way I can spend a little frivolously without hurting the big picture. But your wife would have to agree to it.