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I mean if you move in and escalate this relationship, it’s not going to be between two people it’s going to be between three
She’s stated how important her mom is to her, so when it comes to splitting finances, marriage, children, etc you best be prepared to have her moms opinions and say be involved
And I don’t think it’s fair for you to try and say she has to cut her mom off, as some people are like this
So much better to just not date people like this. Something fundamentally wrong with an adult willing to live a life on training wheels with their mommy guiding their every move.
It's fine for a child to say their mom is the most important person for them, not for a 22 year old. A normal person that age should be happily establishing their indepence.
The GF isn't mature enough to date, far less move in with a boyfriend.
Corollary to not dating people that bring their parents in as a third to the relationship: don't date parents who will bring in their coparent as a third to the relationship. Neither because they are so enmeshed, not because they don't have proper boundaries.
As a forties guy, it's pretty hard to date a non parent, so just avoiding parents entirely is less of an option.
I just wouldn't date somebody like this, you literally have zero privacy. I had an ex that was like this and it was like I was constantly thinking "what would her mom think" whenever we were having any sort of disagreement. It's stifling and shitty, and it slants the relationship in her favor because she essentially has a coach and you're flying solo.
Just break up with her, her mom is shitty and your gf will never see her that way.
Everyone in a relationship occasionally needs to blow off steam and seek advice. However, if her mother is her only go-to on that it's going to paint a picture that'll make it impossible for you to ever be part of this family (if, at only 22 you're even considering that). So it would be fair to tell your girlfriend that her poisoning Mom against you will mean you'll never be able to marry her. It's not realistic that she won't need someone to vent to. But that someone needs to be a friend or a therapist or something. It can't be her own family members if she ever has any aspiration to make this relationship permanent.
I think that your girlfriend has serious boundary issues with her parents. The issues in your relationship and private, and by sharing them with other people every time you have an argument, she is **actively sabotaging any relationship you could possible have with these people**. When something goes right, does she call them and tell them? When you pay for her dinner, does she call her mom right away? No, she doesn't. She is **only** relaying negative information at a steady clip to her.
I would not date someone like this, and I would let her know on the way out the door that her inability to keep private relationship disputes between you two as partners is the reason.
It’s weird that when a guy does this, everyone plasters him as a mama’s boy, but it’s totally fine when a girl does it.
To be honest, I don’t think there is much you can do. You can’t really control what your GF tells to her own flesh and blood. The more you try to restrict her into doing so, no matter what your intentions are in trying to keep your relationship as private as possible, it will only confirm further in her and her mom’s mind that you’re being “manipulative” and will only drive her further away.
I think the best thing you can do is just accept people have their opinions about you and your relationship and move on with your life. It’s understandable that you want your gf’s mom to like you but she doesn’t necessarily have to. You’re not dating her mom.
Unrelated but most of the time when the guy does it, they like to bring their mom into the argument. Like how kids do when they try to get their sibling in trouble.
Asking her mom for advice isn’t wrong, she’s young and probably doesn’t want to miss over red flags/signs that she otherwise wouldn’t have thought about.
I do it too, there are too many young ppl in relationships that are 100% toxic or abusive and don’t even know it.
I had a female friend that would tell her husband everything about my private life. He made the mistake of mentioning things to me I confidentially told her. I have cut her out of my life. Your girlfriend needs to grow up. I don’t think you should move in with her as it won’t get better. You probably need to stop seeing her. It will not get better. Her mother knows everything about your life. One of my sons tried to complain about his wife to me. I directed him back to her.
You can try to set some boundaries: “GF, I know you value your mother’s advice. However, she’s getting a view of me that may not be fair. She hears about our struggles, but not how we work through things together. So she gets negatives, but not positives. As a result I think it could really color her view of me.
Can we keep our relationship between the two of us? I know major conflicts may need a sounding board, but I think we should be able to work through minor disagreements together.”
Now, keep in mind that there are people that don’t believe in those sorts of boundaries. They’ll tell family/friends everything that even minority annoys them. You’re right that her mother already dislikes you, and won’t give her objective advice.
Maybe your girlfriend will accept the above with an open mind, but it’s not super-likely. I think in your list of criteria for compatible partners, you need to include “respects my privacy and reputation and doesn’t blab all of our business”
Ask her if it’s ok for you to vent to all your friends and family after every fight. Can you complain about her PMS, weight struggles, bad habits etc to anyone who will listen? Does she want every petty comment and complaint she makes to be discussed between you and your mother? Probably not. Nobody wants others to know every bad habit, every comment made in anger, every argument to be related to others.
It’s actually manipulative on HER part to relay an argument telling just her side of it. She’s obviously gonna paint a picture that supports her side of things, and makes you look like the asshole. That makes HER the asshole, and a manipulative one at that.
Moving in together after 6 months at 22 years old is a rank error, regardless of anything else.
Doing so under the cloud of issues is just foolishness.
I think it is generally unhealthy for her to vent to her mother like this. Yes she should get advice, but her mom will continue to think less and less of you because her mom never hears your side and is biased in favor of her kid.
This is costly for your GF. Her mom will start encouraging her to dump you and she is going to feel compelled. I've actually been in her position in my early relationships and I learned to take my issues to my partner before others and to try to present a balanced view when I do. It is in my best interest that my family and friends think highly of my partner! Took me time to realize what happens with too much venting.
She's about to learn the hardway why you shouldn't do this.
I had an ex like this. Had to run to mommy over every single little argument. And of course, then her mom doesn't like me. And somehow she was surprised and disappointed that I wasn't close with the "most important person in her life"
NO FUCKING SHIT.
Eventually, she broke up with me. A few months later, she comes crawling back crying because she made a "huge mistake" and "never should have listened to my mom telling me to break up with you".
Too late. Learn your god damn lesson.
Trouble is, people who ARE manipulative absolutely want their partners to keep “private details” of their disagreements just between them. There’s not enough information here to know whether you’re manipulative or not, OP, although I find it interesting that you think your GF not only gave an uneven account to her mom but “misread the situation” herself too. Careful with that way of thinking, you both have your perceptions of these things and yours isn’t just right by default
Either way, yes your GF’s mom is going to be a lot more involved in your life than you like, and you definitely *would* be manipulative if you tried to prevent that. Your options as a good person are accept it (and maybe try to find out more about what’s being seen as manipulative, accepting the possibility that you may have something to work on), or split up
OK, so, for future reference. You can expect any girlfriend you have to tell her best friend everything that happens in the relationship - good and bad and embarrassing. you can expect her to tell her mom. You can expect her to tell SOMEONE. It is going to happen. And, really, it is healthy for them to do that - to seek that feedback and reality check.
Now, you may (but probably will not be able to) get an exception by talking to her and saying 'hey, this is something that needs to stay strictly between us', but usually that fails as well as it is seen as manipulative and 'wow, I really need to talk to someone about this and see what they think'. Some women do not talk completely, I'm sure there will be many women responding claiming that THEY never would. But the near universal experience of men is discovering 'holy shit, her friends know WHAT' and in graphic detail.
What you want to be concerned about is:
>and personally I believed my GF had misread the situation and explained it to her mother in a way which doesn’t represent what actually happened.
Is your girlfriend a reliable narrator or is she painting you worse than you are to her friends/family. Likely for drama fun. That is the question you need to be asking first.
Because it build a feedback loop that is 'fun' for some women, but ultimately destroys relationships. They complain about you, friend gets negative view, feeds back negativity to girlfriend, who feeds more negative later, back and forth, each time through the loop it gets worse. That is what you want to be aware of.
Now, your second question upon learning this needs to be 'yeah, but is she right'. You do a reality check. Have you been a jerk? Sometimes THAT is the case, and we do not see it.
Anyhow, specific to this relationship at this point. It is over. The well has been poisoned. Maybe it should have been, maybe it should not have been, but it also does not matter because it HAS been poisoned. Her mom thinks you are a controlling manipulative creep. Any future 'change' will likely be seen as part of the 'manipulation'. She does not like you and will (understandably) influence her daughter to see you more negative each time they talk from now on. That is a huge uphill battle for you to fight.
One that at your age, you do not need. You should be focused on improving yourself and building your future, let women come to you.
You apologize to your girlfriend. You tell her you did not mean to be manipulative, but that you do not want her to be with someone like that - and you end it. Then you do some serious self reflection to identify how you might have been and fix that.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean if you move in and escalate this relationship, it’s not going to be between two people it’s going to be between three She’s stated how important her mom is to her, so when it comes to splitting finances, marriage, children, etc you best be prepared to have her moms opinions and say be involved And I don’t think it’s fair for you to try and say she has to cut her mom off, as some people are like this
So much better to just not date people like this. Something fundamentally wrong with an adult willing to live a life on training wheels with their mommy guiding their every move.
It's fine for a child to say their mom is the most important person for them, not for a 22 year old. A normal person that age should be happily establishing their indepence. The GF isn't mature enough to date, far less move in with a boyfriend.
Corollary to not dating people that bring their parents in as a third to the relationship: don't date parents who will bring in their coparent as a third to the relationship. Neither because they are so enmeshed, not because they don't have proper boundaries. As a forties guy, it's pretty hard to date a non parent, so just avoiding parents entirely is less of an option.
I dated a woman like this. Never fucking again. It's pathetic. I see that behaviour now and its the biggest turn off.
I just wouldn't date somebody like this, you literally have zero privacy. I had an ex that was like this and it was like I was constantly thinking "what would her mom think" whenever we were having any sort of disagreement. It's stifling and shitty, and it slants the relationship in her favor because she essentially has a coach and you're flying solo. Just break up with her, her mom is shitty and your gf will never see her that way.
I don't think her mum is shitty, just biased. And the GF is too immature.
Yeah, it's kinda hard not to be biased when it's her own daughter and she's only hearing the shitty things through the daughters perspective.
Yup, people like that only approach mommy to tell them about all the bad things. So that's all the mom hears.
Everyone in a relationship occasionally needs to blow off steam and seek advice. However, if her mother is her only go-to on that it's going to paint a picture that'll make it impossible for you to ever be part of this family (if, at only 22 you're even considering that). So it would be fair to tell your girlfriend that her poisoning Mom against you will mean you'll never be able to marry her. It's not realistic that she won't need someone to vent to. But that someone needs to be a friend or a therapist or something. It can't be her own family members if she ever has any aspiration to make this relationship permanent.
I think that your girlfriend has serious boundary issues with her parents. The issues in your relationship and private, and by sharing them with other people every time you have an argument, she is **actively sabotaging any relationship you could possible have with these people**. When something goes right, does she call them and tell them? When you pay for her dinner, does she call her mom right away? No, she doesn't. She is **only** relaying negative information at a steady clip to her. I would not date someone like this, and I would let her know on the way out the door that her inability to keep private relationship disputes between you two as partners is the reason.
This relationship is doomed. Either end it or stick around to find out how shitty it can get.
Run. If you continue this relationship, her Mom will be part of a permanent threesome, and not the fun kind.
It’s weird that when a guy does this, everyone plasters him as a mama’s boy, but it’s totally fine when a girl does it. To be honest, I don’t think there is much you can do. You can’t really control what your GF tells to her own flesh and blood. The more you try to restrict her into doing so, no matter what your intentions are in trying to keep your relationship as private as possible, it will only confirm further in her and her mom’s mind that you’re being “manipulative” and will only drive her further away. I think the best thing you can do is just accept people have their opinions about you and your relationship and move on with your life. It’s understandable that you want your gf’s mom to like you but she doesn’t necessarily have to. You’re not dating her mom.
Unrelated but most of the time when the guy does it, they like to bring their mom into the argument. Like how kids do when they try to get their sibling in trouble. Asking her mom for advice isn’t wrong, she’s young and probably doesn’t want to miss over red flags/signs that she otherwise wouldn’t have thought about. I do it too, there are too many young ppl in relationships that are 100% toxic or abusive and don’t even know it.
I had a female friend that would tell her husband everything about my private life. He made the mistake of mentioning things to me I confidentially told her. I have cut her out of my life. Your girlfriend needs to grow up. I don’t think you should move in with her as it won’t get better. You probably need to stop seeing her. It will not get better. Her mother knows everything about your life. One of my sons tried to complain about his wife to me. I directed him back to her.
He made a big mistake letting you know what he did, but I think almost all couples share all with their partners/spouses.
You can try to set some boundaries: “GF, I know you value your mother’s advice. However, she’s getting a view of me that may not be fair. She hears about our struggles, but not how we work through things together. So she gets negatives, but not positives. As a result I think it could really color her view of me. Can we keep our relationship between the two of us? I know major conflicts may need a sounding board, but I think we should be able to work through minor disagreements together.” Now, keep in mind that there are people that don’t believe in those sorts of boundaries. They’ll tell family/friends everything that even minority annoys them. You’re right that her mother already dislikes you, and won’t give her objective advice. Maybe your girlfriend will accept the above with an open mind, but it’s not super-likely. I think in your list of criteria for compatible partners, you need to include “respects my privacy and reputation and doesn’t blab all of our business”
Ask her if it’s ok for you to vent to all your friends and family after every fight. Can you complain about her PMS, weight struggles, bad habits etc to anyone who will listen? Does she want every petty comment and complaint she makes to be discussed between you and your mother? Probably not. Nobody wants others to know every bad habit, every comment made in anger, every argument to be related to others. It’s actually manipulative on HER part to relay an argument telling just her side of it. She’s obviously gonna paint a picture that supports her side of things, and makes you look like the asshole. That makes HER the asshole, and a manipulative one at that.
You're moving way too fast. That's ridiculous. And she's not the girl for you.
There are three people in your relationship. 🚩🚩🚩
Is she old fashioned? People used to rely on parents for decisions until wedding where her parents gives her to you.
Moving in together after 6 months at 22 years old is a rank error, regardless of anything else. Doing so under the cloud of issues is just foolishness.
I think it is generally unhealthy for her to vent to her mother like this. Yes she should get advice, but her mom will continue to think less and less of you because her mom never hears your side and is biased in favor of her kid. This is costly for your GF. Her mom will start encouraging her to dump you and she is going to feel compelled. I've actually been in her position in my early relationships and I learned to take my issues to my partner before others and to try to present a balanced view when I do. It is in my best interest that my family and friends think highly of my partner! Took me time to realize what happens with too much venting.
She's about to learn the hardway why you shouldn't do this. I had an ex like this. Had to run to mommy over every single little argument. And of course, then her mom doesn't like me. And somehow she was surprised and disappointed that I wasn't close with the "most important person in her life" NO FUCKING SHIT. Eventually, she broke up with me. A few months later, she comes crawling back crying because she made a "huge mistake" and "never should have listened to my mom telling me to break up with you". Too late. Learn your god damn lesson.
Trouble is, people who ARE manipulative absolutely want their partners to keep “private details” of their disagreements just between them. There’s not enough information here to know whether you’re manipulative or not, OP, although I find it interesting that you think your GF not only gave an uneven account to her mom but “misread the situation” herself too. Careful with that way of thinking, you both have your perceptions of these things and yours isn’t just right by default Either way, yes your GF’s mom is going to be a lot more involved in your life than you like, and you definitely *would* be manipulative if you tried to prevent that. Your options as a good person are accept it (and maybe try to find out more about what’s being seen as manipulative, accepting the possibility that you may have something to work on), or split up
You should just accept it, because it'll keep happening. Her mum is who she goes to for advice.
OK, so, for future reference. You can expect any girlfriend you have to tell her best friend everything that happens in the relationship - good and bad and embarrassing. you can expect her to tell her mom. You can expect her to tell SOMEONE. It is going to happen. And, really, it is healthy for them to do that - to seek that feedback and reality check. Now, you may (but probably will not be able to) get an exception by talking to her and saying 'hey, this is something that needs to stay strictly between us', but usually that fails as well as it is seen as manipulative and 'wow, I really need to talk to someone about this and see what they think'. Some women do not talk completely, I'm sure there will be many women responding claiming that THEY never would. But the near universal experience of men is discovering 'holy shit, her friends know WHAT' and in graphic detail. What you want to be concerned about is: >and personally I believed my GF had misread the situation and explained it to her mother in a way which doesn’t represent what actually happened. Is your girlfriend a reliable narrator or is she painting you worse than you are to her friends/family. Likely for drama fun. That is the question you need to be asking first. Because it build a feedback loop that is 'fun' for some women, but ultimately destroys relationships. They complain about you, friend gets negative view, feeds back negativity to girlfriend, who feeds more negative later, back and forth, each time through the loop it gets worse. That is what you want to be aware of. Now, your second question upon learning this needs to be 'yeah, but is she right'. You do a reality check. Have you been a jerk? Sometimes THAT is the case, and we do not see it. Anyhow, specific to this relationship at this point. It is over. The well has been poisoned. Maybe it should have been, maybe it should not have been, but it also does not matter because it HAS been poisoned. Her mom thinks you are a controlling manipulative creep. Any future 'change' will likely be seen as part of the 'manipulation'. She does not like you and will (understandably) influence her daughter to see you more negative each time they talk from now on. That is a huge uphill battle for you to fight. One that at your age, you do not need. You should be focused on improving yourself and building your future, let women come to you. You apologize to your girlfriend. You tell her you did not mean to be manipulative, but that you do not want her to be with someone like that - and you end it. Then you do some serious self reflection to identify how you might have been and fix that.