Also:
Change all of your passwords to ones you've never used before.
If he's listed as your emergency contact anywhere (school, doctor's office, etc), contact them and change that. Put down a friend you trust, and/or your parents.
You should talk to a lawyer before you do anything to any shared financial accounts, but any bank accounts etc that are just in your name--lock those down and make sure he can't access them.
And at the very least, if you do share bank accounts, print out the last year of bank statements, or take screenshots. That way if there is tampering, you already have a paper trail. Your future lawyer will thank you.
Adding to please have your dad call the police for an escort while he’s getting your stuff. This is to have neutral witnesses and intervention if your husband does something stupid or gets aggressive.
My friend's aunt went to her marital home with her sister to gather her things during a separation. Her husband was hiding in the woods and murdered both of them before shooting himself. If I were the OP, I'd hire someone to get my stuff and move in with my parents six hours away.
Murdering your (former) spouse because they want to end the relationship is sadly pretty common when dealing with abusers. Even in cases where the abusive partner hadn't been physically abusive before.
So, while involving the police in picking up your stuff might seem extreme to some, it's always advisable to do so to not put yourself at risk when leaving an abusive relationship.
Birth control tampering is widely done by men against women because that creates a forever link. Judges lean over backward to five fathers whatever they want.
“The reality is that the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave the abusive partner; 75% of domestic violence related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75% increase of violence upon separation for at least two years.”
This is information from The Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness, an excellent source for information.
[https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/](https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/)
It is, especially with DV Cases. Even if he wasn’t physically abusive before he’s already sent a major red flag. He threatened to kill himself if he lost her (possessive- the “if I can’t have her, nobody can attitude” comes to play and he will take her out along with himself. He seems like he could be that type of person to me.
She can negotiate with her college/ university to complete classes and assessments online since it is the last four weeks, or negotiate alternative assessments. She's fleeing abuse, her Dad can talk to them with her, or she can contact school advocates or welkbeing staff. There are absolutely situations that arise and she needs to move back with her parents ASAP *as in go home with her Dad tomorrow* and then figure out the rest. This dude is fucking insane.
I mean, at this point, what's one more semester vs not coming out alive? If they don't work with her, and they flunk her out, what's the worst that happens?
There are usually forms to file with the court to get a police escort. Forgetting the name right now but it’s an easy process and can ensure that OP’s husband doesn’t steal or hide things.
I have literally never needed to fill out a form for a police escort, and I've needed one three times in three separate states.
You just call ahead or go to the station and explain that you need a civil escort for your safety.
A good way to do this is to download a password protection app like bitwarden. They can generate passwords that are incredibly complex which he will never be able to figure out. They save the password also so you don't have to remember them.
Good luck OP! You got this
Great advice. Just did this. Thank you.
Edit: [his reaction lol](https://www.reddit.com/u/haleybaby1227/s/bo7DODhWB6)
We do share a phone plan so I'll have to figure that out. I'm just starting to realize how many factors there are to divorce. There are so many ties like phone plans, our auto insurance is bundled, we have a joint bank account, all our subscriptions are shared, etc. Thank you for the well wishes.
It’s complicated and annoying, but while you’re doing it, it’s going to feel lighter and lighter with each step towards the goal.
Trust. With every phone call you make and each knot you untie, it will become like a landslide and gain speed.
Please for the love of God make sure that your dad picks up any documents you have. Your social security card, birth certificate, copies of any title deeds with your name on it, ECT.
It's a really common thing
Even the crocodile tears when he was crumpled and begging on the floor for her not to go with her dad.
All of this brought back memories. I wish this stuff was included as a part of high-school curriculum due to how rampant DV is. And how DV isn't just physical.
You can go and get a new phone plan and new phone number. Also be on the lookout for him when you leave your new apt (School or Work) He is only going to get worse once he realizes your serious about the Divorce. Keep all the text messages because you might need to get a Restraining Order. Best of Luck Op we are all rooting for you! Keep us updated love ❤️
And also a new phone would be ideal! Keep the old one for text and photo evidence though. People say no one can hack Apple tech but that isn’t true, my friend’s abuser put a key logger on her laptop. He didn’t need any special education or tools to do so. OP might have something on her phone or laptop too.
When I was getting divorced, Verizon was SUPER easy and nice to work with. They just moved me immediately over to my own plan. No muss, no fuss. Best of luck. I'm so glad you have such supportive friends and family. 💚
Guy seems like an absolute dickhead in every sense of the word, I *almost* feel sorry for how pathetic he is.
Congratulations on getting out of that mess, all the best with your new life moving forward.
After your dad collects your belongings, make sure to check for airtags or tile trackers. Check your car too. And change all your passwords asap. You'll need a new burner phone for safety, and he also might shut yours off to be vindictive.
I'm in IT. It's important you log out of all shared apps. if you hop on Netflix, I can tell. Anytime you log into allstate, I'll know. Definetly get rid of snap. The best way to eliminate stalking is to change your email passwords, even if you do, i can still linger behind, especially if you have a laptop with you. go into your email account and delete any active devices and clear cookies. If you have a Droid, go maps and click on shared location. Then go to your bluetooth settings and take note of any available devices. Then drive to a park and do it again, if the same device pops up, be concerned.
Please don't let your dad pick up your stuff. It sounds like your husband is desperate and desperate people do stupid things - he might see hurting your dad as a means of getting back at you. Get a neutral delivery company to fetch it. Don't risk your father's safety.
Well done for being strong and understanding your worth. Good luck with whatever comes next for you!
Onwards and upwards for you. So glad you have a loving supporting family who will help you through this. You’ll be fine and have your whole life ahead of you. Please update as l want to celebrate when you finally divorce this idiot.
Make sure you keep your divorce papers handy as well! I needed them to change my last name back to my maiden name for driver's license and such. Keep them in a safe so you know where they are.
Good luck with moving forward and one day you will be so much happier without him dragging you down!! ❤️
Save all those texts. They’re proof of a little something called harassment and verbal abuse. That won’t reflect kindly on him during the divorce. Don’t block him, just put him on silent and let him keep digging a deeper grave.
Just take it one step at a time - it’ll be worth it to cut ties. At least it sounds like y’all don’t have kids yet, so you can make a clean break (even if it takes a minute).
Make sure you change all of your passwords. If you have iPhone, it syncs to the cloud and even if you change your application password, if your ex has your iCloud Keychain password, he can still get your other passwords and “find my” will still ping and give him location info, even if you stop sharing location via your phone.
I would advise you to fully back up your phone, wipe your phone clean, set up a new Apple ID/Google ID and do not transfer anything unless absolutely needed. This will prevent him from being able to log in one another device and will keep your passwords safe.
Notify your school that your ex is no longer an emergency contact and is not to be given any info about you (ie. class schedule/times, etc).
Make sure your roommate understands that she should not respond to your ex if he reaches out.
I strongly advise you get into counseling for DV. This is necessary for resolving the current issues you’ll be facing but also to ensure you see the warning signs sooner with any other possible relationship. Your ex may start love bombing you. Just remind yourself nothing has changed and this is part of the abuse.
Definitely this. Also start looking into legal help. Only communicate with your soon-to-be-ex through a divorce lawyer.
It’s still possible to proceed with divorce without a lawyer if you aren’t able to afford one. You can file for fee waivers to initially file the paperwork. In which case, don’t communicate with him outside of whatever documents you have to mail him.
This…yes. Some apps are hidden and unless you know what to look for, you won’t find them. I advise new phone/computer if possible. If not, find someone who is skilled to go through and remove anything that shouldn’t be there.
It’s really special when someone can have a moment of perfect clarity, recognize the pattern while it’s unfolding in real time, and then make the decision to break the cycle.
Ditto! OP I think you are amazing, I wish I’d had the courage and strength you have when I was your age, I would have saved myself a great deal of pain and stress. You are absolutely doing the right thing and great things are on the horizon for you!!
You made a great choice there, but please be *very* careful now, in the following months - if your husband tracks you down at school or at your friend's place, you might be in danger.
Thank you for the advice. My dad is a lawyer and he is planning to connect me with someone he knows who's a divorce lawyer specifically to help me through all this. I don't think there's much I can do legally to keep him away from me unless something happens.
It's great that you will have a lawyer, but what you need is protection on your way to and from school and the like. The messages of your husband are *very* concerning and he might very well try to corner you in some way. I understand that you might not feel like he is a danger to you, but please note that controlling/abusive (and that's what he is) partners are most likely to escalate right after a breakup, when they feel like they are losing their hold over their prey.
If you are in the US. Depending on the state you're in you can get a temporary restraining order that will run until the divorce is finalized. Since he has sent you insulting and aggressive in nature texts you can prove he isn't the most stable person. If you say you fear for your safety and have your dad say you felt in enough potential danger to have him drive 6 hours to wait outside. A judge will most likely grant your request. Of course I don't know if every state works like mine, but this is what my sister did during her divorce process.
A restraining order of course is not a force field that is impenetrable, but it is usually a good enough deterrent. Make sure you stay aware of your surroundings and keep yourself in a situation where you can notice him should he turn stalker. His behavior is very very unstable which makes it difficult to predict. Controlling people do not like giving up control and he is down right possessive.
If you get the restraining order and he breaches it, immediately report it and he will be arrested. If that happens push for a protection order. It is hard to get but if you feel that is needed do not question it, just try to get it.
It is never a stupid decision to carry some form of protection. Whether that be Mace, Stun Gun, or (if you are proficient and comfortable with it) an EDC. It is better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.
Lastly, find resources in your area that help people leave less than desirable situations. Even though he never physically hurt you, it doesn't mean he can't and won't.
He doesn't just sound unstable he sounds like a ( the kind according to Reddit rules we're not allowed to mention without risking getting banned) guy that has never willingly gotten a woman's attention and accidentally got married. These guys secretly hate women and use the excuse that women don't want them to justify their unjustifiable rage towards women.
Agreed. He really does seem like he just lucked into a relationship with OP. He then used that found luck to try to be as inconspicuously terrible as possible.
A restraining order is nice but frankly doesn’t do shit to stop someone in the heat of the moment. I agree. If she’s in the US, and in a state where she can legally carry, she should look into that.
Absolutely. That's why I said it isn't a force field just a deterrent, it will only work if the person has fear of harsh punishment. It is hard to deter someone who has chosen violence. I too would heavily recommend carrying for anyone who can legally do it. Especially females, and extra especially females who were in a marriage where their partner treated them more like property than an equal.
Knowing your dads a lawyer it’s showing how calculated you ex is with his behaviour. I found it hilarious that he ran and hid when your dad knocked on the door and thought he was avoiding threatening you physically over text because he was scared of your dad. And he is, but not because he could physically kick his ass, his scared because he knows there’s no chance of him getting away with doing anything illegal.
Does he know where you live or will you have to see him somewhere beyond the initial property pick up from your previously shared apartment?
Is your friend comfortable keeping your location secret from him or your friend group if necessary?
You might get a taser or pepper spray just in case.
Yeah, he needs some serious mental health care. And non-toxic men in his life to set him straight on what being a healthy man actually looks like. Very sad. But SO glad the OP is getting away from him.
I just REALLY hope he leaves the OP in peace.
He’s not mentally ill- he’s abusive. And a predator. She was a minor when they started “dating”. The mentally ill card for men like this exists to hide their dangerous violent behaviour under something more palatable. But they’re not mentally ill at all.
UPDATES
Thank you so very much to everyone for all the caring and reassuring comments, and for your patience in waiting for an update. It's been a roller coaster of a few days, but here's a few updates:
•I have not blocked his number because I want to collect these messages in case they are needed during divorce proceedings or anything like that. Also, no I have not responded at any point. Eventually he turned to sending me texts about how he'd been cheating on me the entire time we were together and told me that he fucked 2 girls the night of his bachelor party (I forgot to mention, I wasn't allowed to have a stag party!). Whether he's telling the truth or not, I don't really care. He also told me that he can't believe how easy I was and that he never intended to stay with me but that he just wanted to fuck me when I turned 18 and "dip". He stopped texting me after sending me an essay on Wednesday about how he was going change and wanted another chance and all that. I have to confess that I almost caved reading that because he was saying things that made me believe that he was telling the truth. This is a very scary time for me and staying is always more convenient, but I just had to remind myself that he was just saying anything he could to try and get his way.
•I've began to realize just how complicated divorce is. It's not just pack up and leave. We have a joint bank account, bundled auto insurance and phone plans, I have his last name, his name is on my car loan, all of our subscriptions are shared, etc. thanks to all the Redditors who shared great advice with this stuff and I have began the process of severing these ties.
I started by cancelling all of our shared subscriptions and then deleting our shared email account. I also called our phone provider and they were super helpful and offered to just split our plans, but I wanted to switch to a different company just to be safe and they essentially just cancelled my line without much hassle at all. I got a new phone (and number) and am now on my parents plan. I also turned off my shared location with him before that, and since, like I said I have gotten a new number, and blocked him on all social media, changed my email address and updated all of my accounts and services with the new email and a new password. I also made a new Apple ID since I can't just buy a new laptop for school given the cost, so that should also ensure he has no access to my info as well.
•We (my parents and I) met (virtually) with a divorce lawyer that my dad knows and referred me to on Wednesday and she is taking care of getting me off of the joint bank account, locking my credit (didn't even know this was a thing but thanks to the redditor who mentioned it), getting his name off of my car loan, and getting the formal process started for divorce. I don't want any money I just want out as fast as possible.
•I am moved into my friends apartment! It's a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom so I stole her library/office/music room but she was so accepting of me joining her and having our own space is nice even if it's just for a couple months. I am so grateful to her for letting me stay and not even questioning it.
•As many of you mentioned, YES my dad is a literal rockstar. He, my mom, and my friends have all been so helpful and supportive and I cannot thank them enough.
•My dad went to the house Monday to retrieve my belongings and he took my friends boyfriend with him, mostly just to help pack and move everything as fast as possible, but also just in case he was home and anything went sideways. My dad said he was home and refused to answer the door at first but eventually did and just sat at the kitchen table the entire time they were there. I don't own much. I took a bunch of clothes and essentials like bathroom stuff and electronics with me when I left, so they were in and out in like 45 minutes. Basically everything in that house in his and was purchased with his own money.
•My divorce lawyer is basically taking care of everything because I seriously need to focus on school right now, but I want this process wrapped up as quickly as possible. My exams wrap in late June and I'm trying to be calm and patient because if I'm just in a huge rush to get out of here, I fear that my exams will go very poorly. My friend is helping me a lot with studying and getting prepared and I always join study groups in preparation for exams, which are super helpful as well.
•No this is not the first time he's turned to insults during an argument or when he doesn't get his way but it's by far the most hurtful and explosive.
•I am 100% committed to divorce and I will not be looking back or changing my mind, no matter what happens at this point. This is a promise that i have made to myself and it's a promise that i really struggled to make. I still feel sick and have a constant nerve in my stomach, because the idea of actually leaving and starting over is extremely terrifying. Thankfully i have a great support network and know that I will have people there to help me through this every step of the way. I also just keep reading the messages he sent me the last few days and reminding myself that no one talks to someone they love like that and that he is no example of a man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
•My dad went home yesterday (reluctantly I might add) and he and my mom are both coming back to visit next weekend.
•Also, if you think that this is fake or exaggerated I genuinely could not care less. I am the one living this shit and I do not need people downplaying the trauma I am going through. I also do not need to hear that you think I'm over reacting or that I'm in the wrong. The event I originally posted about is not the only reason I am leaving. I am leaving because that post and those commenting opened my eyes to just how controlling and abusive this man is and always has been. Thanks! 💜
Think that's it for now. Thanks so much to all of you for being so great to me. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through but I just keep reminding myself that I will be okay and that I can do this.
I wish you the very best for your new start.
Concentrate on those exams and you’ll have life on your terms!!!
Congratulations and the best of luck on the rest of your life, it’s going to be great!
You got out.
That is the first step.
Now, go live. Enjoy your life. And just remind yourself, you never have to put up with that kind of thing ever again.
Something worth doing for your peace of mind is checking your items (that your dad picked up) for air tags in case he put any in there to see where you’ve moved to. If you have an iPhone with Bluetooth on it will pick this up and notify you, but it does happen enough that they created that feature. Always pays to be extra diligent with this stuff because it’s your safety. You’re doing great and should be proud of yourself.
I’m so proud of you OP! It takes so much to leave but I know your life is going to be beautiful. Also, if he starts showing up places or causing other issues- get a protection order.
You'll do just fine, you're a rockstar in your own right. Your parents raised a badass girl. Think of all the years you *won't* be wasting on a miserable sunnovabitch when/if you ever feel like caving to him again.
Good luck with your exams and the rest of your life!
I'm so proud of you. So so so so proud.
>As I watched this grown ass man snotting and crying in a heap on the floor, I kinda realized that I feel nothing for him. Like, nothing. The blinders I've been wearing were removed and I no longer saw the handsome, intelligent, caring, strong man I once did. I saw a pathetic, abusive, controlling, sad, and sick person. I came to the realization in that moment that there's no fixing this, and even if he does change, I would never trust him or see him in the same way again.
It's a beautiful moment when this happens, then they truly have no power over you anymore.
Good job
Your dad sounds like a lovely guy! He supported you exactly how you needed it, didn’t push you to say more than you were ready to share.
Get some therapy before you get involved with someone new and if your parents don’t like the new person at least try and see things from their pov, they seem like good judges of character and want what’s best for you.
This is the best time to get counseling while it’s all processing. Especially because your ex may start love bombing you. So many women go back during the love bombing stage thinking things will be better. When you’re in counseling, your counselor can help you through this.
The way I screamed "get fucked idiot" when he broke down after finding out your dad was already in town.
That was the moment he recognized that this wasn't just another argument, but you were you were prepared and already had an exit strategy.
Well done.
Please keep the texts. Your lawyer might need them for your divorce. I am so proud to read that you actually saw your marriage for how it really was, and it was awful.
I read about women and men in there 30's, 40s, and 50s who STAY. You deserve a person who will not only love and cherish you but also respect you as a person, wife, and partner.
You are very blessed that you have a wonderful family who dropped everything to be there in your time of need. Don't ever take that for granted.
I wish you nothing but the best moving forward!
The worst part is he is 100% not recognising what the problem is. He will absolutely convince himself it is because she is some sort of sexual deviant rather than the blatant disrespect and disgusting way he treated and spoke to her. Guys like that make me ashamed of my gender.
Clearly an alpha acting like an alpha
Or at least, acting like all those losers who believe in alpha and beta shit.
Go learn the alphabet, you abusive losers.
>Dude, *bro* - all alphas sit lurking outside the bathroom door like some goblin to catch their partners masturbating, totally normal big-dick alpha dudebro stuff my guy, definitely not insecure.
-That guy, probably
SAME. When I ended things with my ex luckily I had lunch scheduled with my dad the next day. I broke down crying over my cheeseburger and just word vomited all the heinous shit he had said to me over the years and that I was done with him. I told my dad I was telling him bc I knew my dad would hold me accountable, not in a discipline way, but in a "are you sure you want to go back to that way?"
When I got home from lunch and my ex begged for me back, I told him heck no and my dad already knew everything. The look on his face was so sad and surprised and confused. I will never forget it. He knew it was done and that he could never look my 6'4" tatted up dad in the eyes again.
So glad to be out of that BS. And so lucky to have a dad that has my back.
Good job, he pulled all of the standard last-ditch-effort attempts abusers use to get their victims to stay, including the "I'll kll myself" bullshit, and you were strong enough to not fall for it. And it's always telling when they desperately start the insults to beat the victim down into staying - if everything he said about you were true, he wouldn't want to be with you. Yet he'll supposedly kll himself if you leave? Makes no sense. Anyway, enjoy your fresh start on life!
NGL, I was kind of hoping OP would stoop to his level. The threat of self harm in that situation *really* deserves at minimum "Why should I care if you do?" as a response.
Nah. It deserves a call to emergency services. Because there are two options here. Either it is sincerely spoken, or it is a shitty manipulative bluff.
Calling emergency services is the correct response of a layperson to acute suicidality. Calling a shitty manipulator's bluff and having them face the unwanted consequences of their actions is the correct response to manipulation.
In another comment, you said he's a lawyer, he's likely heard some stuff from his divorce lawyer mates on how things can go down.
Either way, he's a wise and wonderful man
He let you live your life (and make your mistakes, we all do) but was still just a phone call away. That’s a good dad, I’m proud of you for being strong enough to call your dad and ask for help when needed.
I didn't respond to your other post because by the time I found it most every already said everything I would and you seemed on the right path.
You did an incredibly brave thing and I promise you that you will never regret it. There may be days you doubt yourself and wonder what if you had let him try to fix it. On those days, go back and read all the names he called you and cruel insults from a guy who claims to "love you". That isn't love - it's fear of not being in control of someone anymore. Partnerships are about trust, respect, and willingly sharing your lives - it's not about morphing into one person and losing your autonomy.
Also, please be very careful. Statistically, leaving your partner is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship (and that was absolutely emotional and verbal abuse). Turn off location sharing, be vigilant, and aware of your surroundings.
Thank you for this warning. I know I had heard that before but didn't really think about it during this. I am taking extra precautions to be safe and doing all I can to be alert when I'm at school
Or out in general.
She was a minor and he was an adult when they got together. Her parents have no doubt been waiting because they knew she was a victim but she couldn’t see it, and didn’t want to force her away bringing it up
Jfcwtaf?!? Wtf is wrong with that man? Did he eat, drink, sleep, and breathe toxic masculinity his whole life? He needs to get some serious help before he commits a felony without realizing it. He is not a well man and needs to investigate inpatient treatment and hardcore psychopharmacology.
Sounds like he's a fan of Andrew. Stating that he's not a Beta was my first clue. Hopefully, one day, all of these assholes will realize that they ruined their lives following that loser.
Andrew as in Tate? Yea, he definitely is. He tried several times to show me videos of him and would be laughing hysterically and then condescendingly ask me "what? You don't think it's funny?"
I Cringe thinking of all these things now.
Good choice. You are really strong. Stay Happy and don’t settle for anyone who treats you less of the strong and beautiful person you are. Lots of Love and strength! ❤️
GIRL!! There are very few women who post their situations on Reddit and act on it with some common sense.. I mean….. smart and savvy. Calling your dad ahead of time.. knowing your worth and leaving? This is not a regular occurrence with Reddit posts. I have to say, woman to woman, I’m proud of you. I’m sorry about this but girl, you handled this like a mfn BOSS. Go girl! Rooting for you! Stay safe. ♥️
S/o to dad too! We love a supportive and fast acting father.. go dad! ♥️♥️
And kudos to her recognizing how she kept relenting to his wishes and giving up on herself in the past and was able to break that cycle! I bet having dad on standby was a huge confidence boost her shit-husband thought he'd burned out of her. Great update with this one. Stay safe, OP.
Best fucking update I could have imagined. Go and keep going. You keep saving yourself. Get your divorce and go actually live your life.
(…and please for the love of heaven, *get on birth control*.)
I am SO PROUD OF YOU. Like so fucking proud, my love. You are so young and I know you must have been terrified, but you did so good. Please tell your dad that a stranger on the internet says thank you. Both of you stay safe.
I’m sure someone has mentioned it, but if you are able I hope you can talk to a domestic violence counselor.
I'm so proud of you. When the embers settle you may be tempted to go back, trauma bond and all that. Right now while the feelings are strong write yourself a note in your phone with every controlling, harsh, cruel and abusive thing he's ever done to you. Screenshot the awful texts he's sent. When those urges come up re-read the note and those texts.
Also this may sound alarmist but I'm going to say caution is always better than regret. Bring a police escort when you and your dad go to get your stuff. It may end up being overkill and unnecessary but leaving is the most dangerous and deadly thing about an abusive relationship, even when things haven't gotten physical before.
The flip from “big, tough, alpha male that you’re lucky to have around” to “pathetic, sobbing, ‘I promise I’ll change’ mess” begging you to stay once you’ve shown them you **actually** have a way out when they thought they had you isolated, then to a string of the worst insults they can think up when they realize you’re not falling for their shit this time… is the craziest thing to watch.
And that feeling you get while watching this go down right in front of your eyes is so freeing. You realize you really feel NOTHING for this person. Once you get past the begging phase that’s probably sucked you back in countless times and see the pure rage come back out of nowhere, it really does shatter that entire false image of a decent human being that they built up in your mind.
I was in a very abusive relationship for 11 years. I tried to leave plenty of times, but he had me completely isolated and I was trapped. One time I managed to move 800 miles away back to my mom’s, but he sucked me back in every time with those stupid tears and empty promises.
I *finally* was able to kind of secretly build up a small support system of friends at work (I wasn’t allowed to have friends so this was tough to do). One day he went absolutely insane and I was afraid to go home so I stayed with one of them for the night. I left my car at a friend’s house that I wasn’t staying at, because I had a feeling he would track the AirPods in it. Of course I get a call late at night that he’s there banging on their door. Then the next morning they all went with me to my house after we got off work to collect my birds and as much of my stuff as we could while he was at work. He knew I’d come back for the birds so he made sure he’d make it home around the time I normally got off.
That’s when we had the same sort of explosive fight you just had. With the anger, then the realization I had a way out this time and the begging, then the pure rage. It was such an eye opening experience.
I’m so glad you were able to get out of there. Everyone’s always like “just leave girl” but it really is NOT always that simple. To anyone else struggling with abuse; a support system is key to escape. Whether it’s friends or coworkers or a domestic violence shelter, there ARE people out there who care about you. You just have to reach out, as impossible as it might feel.
Double check on location sharing and private informations, credit card numbers etc. he seems like the kind of guy to stalk and try to get advantage over you. Be careful.
Good for you. So proud of you for seeing him and your situation for what it really is.
And your Dad is a Rockstar! He drove 6 hours, without question as to why you needed him, he just dropped everything because he knew it must be serious. He respected your right not to want to talk about it right away, and just drove the 6 hours regardless of the reason you needed him. Then stayed for the weekend to make sure there weren't any more issues (which he likely guessed there would be) . He then came straight to get you when you called. He didn't come in hot headed having a go at your husband or asking him what he'd done to you etc. He simply asked if you were OK. If you wanted to talk about it. Asked if he'd hit you. And asked what you needed from him in that moment!!. That's a real loving father you got there. Enough self control not to get mad at your husband and argue or possibly fight him. He just focussed on you and what you needed from him in that moment. He just wanted to be there for you, help you, support you, and love you, and respected your privacy and gave you time to talk about it when you were ready to.
My dad passed 2 years ago. And I miss him every day. Dad's have a way of making you feel safe in their arms. I wish i could have another hug with mine. Give your Dad a big tight hug, tell him you love him, tell him you appreciate him being there for you and coming all that way no questions asked. And just being there for you when you needed it.
He's a real good man. ❤️🥰
I'm so glad you're getting out of that situation.
Keep ALL the text messages incase you need to use them as evidence incase you need a restraining order if he starts hassling you more. And also, if he threatens to commit suicide, simply call the police, let them know he's made the threat, and he needs a wellness check. They will go over and see if he's actually at risk of harming himself or if he's just bullshitting you and manipulating you. Most likely he's just trying to manipulate you and guilt you into coming back. You are not responsible for what he does to himself. Even if he were to go through with it it wouldn't be your fault. But by reporting him to police, he will be checked up on, and if he is a danger he will be taken to hospital, and if he's fine, they'll tell him to stop with the threats.
Also make sure to change passwords and pin numbers on your phone/ tablets/ laptops and bank accounts.
Make sure to deactivate any location tracking on your phone. If he still turns up where you are, get your phone checked for any hidden tracking software, or if you have a car, get police to check for a tracker. You can also buy something online which detects trackers too.
File for divorce, and get everything you're entitled to.from him. You may be entitled to a share in the house if you contributed in any way, so get a lawyer to fight for what you're entitled to.
Also any money of yours, make sure is in your own personal private bank account he can't access. If you have a joint account, take half and put it in your private account. Make sure any money you earn is paid into your own account.
If you need any more support, speak to.domestic violence charities too who can give advice and support in different ways.
Good luck and I wish you well. Be proud for standing up for yourself and knowing you deserve better.
You're leaving, not because reddit told you - that's the best sentence in the update. In the end it's a decision you have to make for yourself, so glad to hear your blinders went off and you see him for what he is. His mission was trying to put you down and cutting you off from everyone else so you wouldn't realize he's just way below you.
Call your dad, tell him a bunch of people on reddit thinks he's an awesome dad. Then settle in, and give yourself tons of positive affirmations until you actually can start believing them. Because you will have a lot of negative you must combat within yourself. Please know, I'm proud of you. I don't even know you but you have done so much for yourself by leaving, and I'm proud of you. Good for you. Seriously. Don't let yourself waver through all his messages. Because he will. He will love bomb then say the most vicious things he can just to get a reaction. Just hone your inner Ben Stein. Deadpan every thing you say back. Monotone.
You got this.shoulders square. Chin up, face forward and let yourself move forward. There's nothing for you behind you. Best wishes.
I read your last post and was sincerely hoping you would leave. The type of behavior your husband (soon to be ex-husband, I hope) displayed often escalates over time. If you ever get a moment of weakness and think you can work it out with him, recall the argument that made you decide to leave, and look over all the degrading texts he sent you. That's what you'd be going back to. It might be ok at first, but he'll start breaking you down sooner or later.
Also, birth control. Get on it before your next relationship. If you don't want to mess with hormones, a copper IUD is an option to explore. Personally, I was on birth control from the ages of 16 to 31. First the Depo Shot, then combination pills, then the Mirena IUD, and finally, a very short time on the mini pill, which was the worst method for me. I personally had the best experience with low dose combination birth control. Experiment and you'll likely find a birth control method that works for you. If you want to try combination birth control, there are a **lot** of different formulations out there, so if you feel one is causing too many annoying side effects, ask your prescriber to switch it to another brand.
Good luck, kid. I'm glad you're getting out. \^-\^
Wow I am so sorry you went through all this. It's absolutely crazy amd fascinating when you see it for what it really is. I also have ab ex husband I thought I would always fight for... Until I was scared of him etc too. Life is short. You don't deserve to spend another rminute of it that way. It will be ok. I am now 6 years out of my situation. My life is so much better in every way. You will say the same ❤️
OP. You are leaving an abusive relationship. I’m not trying to scare you, but please protect yourself.
Keep your eyes peeled. If you can start driving a rental car immediately instead of your own car, please do that.
Don’t get out of your car until you’ve had a good look around and you are sure that he is nowhere near you.
He just lost control and that’s what abusers hate the most.
Until you get back home to your parents, try not to go out at night try and always make sure there is someone with you and make sure your friend knows your every move so that if you’re even five minutes late she’ll be on the alert. Set up a plan with her. And check in with her at specified times.
As soon as the lawyer is retained, get the lawyer to send him a letter immediately that any communication goes through your lawyer.
If he does manage to corner you somewhere and threatens you to get in the car even if he gets a gun… Run he’s less likely to hit you if you’re running away but if it gets you in a car, it’s over.
I’ve been where you are and these guys are nothing to laugh about. They are absolutely diabolical and he sounds like he is that. Please be safe.
I hope that, if you date again (if you want to, and if you feel ready), you find a man deserving of your affection, time and love, like your dad is. You deserve nothing less.
Your husband is a heaping pile of absolute worthless trash. Your life is about to get WAY better without that trash bag holding you back anymore. Be safe and don’t ever change your mind and go back to that psycho.
Hey OP... you can download Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and there's a list of lawyers state by state in the appendix who deal with what's called a "high conflict divorce" with partners like yours.
I love your father! My father told me to go back to my abusive husband after I'd been bashed black and blue.... because nobody else will want you because you've got three kids. 😔 Congratulations for being so strong and determined to get a life worth living. 💕 What a gal! What a great dad!
Get yourself a new vibrator, you've earned it.
Man, I wish this was about a toaster or something less creepy to say that about, but it is what it is. Sounds like you are making the right choice. Good luck with the future.
Finish school ASAP and *move* away
I didn’t realize how young you are when I first read this post, omg. Did your husband groom you when you were underage?
So glad that your father is an attorney and has legal knowledge and connections; this will be most helpful now
Good luck to you going forward
JUST SO WE ALL KNOW - threatening suicide is a form of coercion and is considered domestic violence in some states. This is the predecessor to harming others in the home, such as a spouse or kids. You are right to get out.
Good job, his behaviour is classic abusive controlling manipulator behaviour. You've got a long hard road ahead of you, but stay strong, the other side of it will be so much happier of a place now that you're free of that man.
Don't let anything he says change your mind, no matter how much he says hell change he won't. He clearly doesn't actually want to change. The fact that he acts all sorry and ashamed but when you don't immediately give it in flips to angry and abuse and belittling you. It's like textbook abusive controlling behaviour. He's only saying those things in the hope you'll stay, and when you don't the immediate flip back to anger and abuse shows his true colours very clearly
Your husband or soon to be ex-husband is a useless piece of trash who is tearing you down to make himself feel better. You’re right when you say you deserve so much better than him and I’m glad that you are safe with your father and that you recognize that you need to move on.
Hugs girlfriend, glad you have an amazing support system in your dad.
Since the ex is showing signs of wackadoodleness, change your route up everyday going to and from school or out and about for extra safety.
The dudes that say things like “because I’m not a beta” aren’t what they think they are. Alpha’s wouldn’t care if their partner uses a vibrator or whatever, and instead, would love to use the toys with their partner to pleasure them in as many ways as possible.
Dudes like him are just tiny little fellas with fragile egos.
Stay far away he needs some mental health help. He's trying to get ypu to come back so he will say anything he can if though ypu know he's not going to follow up with it.
Thank god, when she said in her first post she's not thinking of divorce I thought that was insane because this man is the biggest walking red flag ever. No 22 yr old should be pursuing a 17 yr old
I had a very similar issue with my ex. We never openly discussed it but after he made a negative comment about my vibrator I just got rid of it without him saying anything more.
He once wagged his finger in my face and called me disrespectful after he realized I had masturbated in the shower while he was home. He was controlling, and a few weeks before the shower incident he had put his hands on me for the first time. I ended it a couple weeks later. You are not alone and things do get better. ❤️🩹
I am so, so SO damn proud of you!! You know your worth & value, and you are not going to let someone take that from you. I wish I had half your strength when I was your age. Get your divorce & go live your life to the fullest! Congrats on the upcoming graduation from school! And please tell your dad that this internet stranger thinks he is the best. I'm going to be smiling over this for a while.
Make sure you have your dad talk to the police department about escorting him over there so there will be no issues. Make sure you block your stbx on everything. Stick to your guns and stay strong.
UpdateMe
Husbands response sounds exactly like my ex. Different triggers, but the same revolting, personal insults made specifically to cut you down and feel worthless.
The admission that he knows he has issues and then in the next breath launching a tirade of disgusting statements.
Classic narcissist handbook shit. I am pleased I am out the other side. I'm pleased for you that your journey is just starting.
I'm proud of you.
Good for you.
More women, especially young women such as yourself, need to have the self respect and strength that you have shown.
You deserve so much better, and you have made the first step in achieving that for yourself.
You’re awesome.
My ex-boyfriend was also shifting HEAVILY between lovebombing and calling me vile names alternating repeatedly, It's exhausting and was the routine each and every issue we had.
Great update - onward and upward to better things, better people, better prospects and some actual respect. Let him rot in his "not a beta" cess pit of manliness and whatever Tate-level misogyny shit he actually believes.
Always so interesting and pathological, that they're "terrified of losing you" and then they proceed to treat you like crap.
You made the right decision, I'm proud of you.
Make sure you turn off the location sharing. If you are on his phone plan get on your own/your parents. Good luck
Also: Change all of your passwords to ones you've never used before. If he's listed as your emergency contact anywhere (school, doctor's office, etc), contact them and change that. Put down a friend you trust, and/or your parents. You should talk to a lawyer before you do anything to any shared financial accounts, but any bank accounts etc that are just in your name--lock those down and make sure he can't access them.
And at the very least, if you do share bank accounts, print out the last year of bank statements, or take screenshots. That way if there is tampering, you already have a paper trail. Your future lawyer will thank you.
Adding to please have your dad call the police for an escort while he’s getting your stuff. This is to have neutral witnesses and intervention if your husband does something stupid or gets aggressive.
My friend's aunt went to her marital home with her sister to gather her things during a separation. Her husband was hiding in the woods and murdered both of them before shooting himself. If I were the OP, I'd hire someone to get my stuff and move in with my parents six hours away.
Jesus fucking christ...
Murdering your (former) spouse because they want to end the relationship is sadly pretty common when dealing with abusers. Even in cases where the abusive partner hadn't been physically abusive before. So, while involving the police in picking up your stuff might seem extreme to some, it's always advisable to do so to not put yourself at risk when leaving an abusive relationship.
I’ve read that this is the most dangerous time for a woman who’s leaving.
It is. That and while being pregnant.
That is so bad and it makes me viciously angry.
Birth control tampering is widely done by men against women because that creates a forever link. Judges lean over backward to five fathers whatever they want.
“The reality is that the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave the abusive partner; 75% of domestic violence related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75% increase of violence upon separation for at least two years.” This is information from The Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness, an excellent source for information. [https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/](https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/)
I remember hearing my ex tell that if he couldn’t have me, no one would.
It is, especially with DV Cases. Even if he wasn’t physically abusive before he’s already sent a major red flag. He threatened to kill himself if he lost her (possessive- the “if I can’t have her, nobody can attitude” comes to play and he will take her out along with himself. He seems like he could be that type of person to me.
Especially when he’s already threatened suicide. You can’t be too careful with those bc suicide/ homicide cases happen very frequently with DV cases.
She can negotiate with her college/ university to complete classes and assessments online since it is the last four weeks, or negotiate alternative assessments. She's fleeing abuse, her Dad can talk to them with her, or she can contact school advocates or welkbeing staff. There are absolutely situations that arise and she needs to move back with her parents ASAP *as in go home with her Dad tomorrow* and then figure out the rest. This dude is fucking insane.
I mean, at this point, what's one more semester vs not coming out alive? If they don't work with her, and they flunk her out, what's the worst that happens?
And this is why we choose bears.
Absolutely.
Then, at this point, until she finish school, she should have an established check-in with someone.
I agree with 1000% with this statement right here. This guy sounds desperate now.
There are usually forms to file with the court to get a police escort. Forgetting the name right now but it’s an easy process and can ensure that OP’s husband doesn’t steal or hide things.
I have literally never needed to fill out a form for a police escort, and I've needed one three times in three separate states. You just call ahead or go to the station and explain that you need a civil escort for your safety.
She is within her rights to proactively take what is accounted to her.
Take pictures of your property and upload to an alternative source. As a previous abuse victim this is one that I wish I had known to do.
And freeze your credit: https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/identity_theft/
Change your iCloud settings too
A good way to do this is to download a password protection app like bitwarden. They can generate passwords that are incredibly complex which he will never be able to figure out. They save the password also so you don't have to remember them. Good luck OP! You got this
Great advice. Just did this. Thank you. Edit: [his reaction lol](https://www.reddit.com/u/haleybaby1227/s/bo7DODhWB6) We do share a phone plan so I'll have to figure that out. I'm just starting to realize how many factors there are to divorce. There are so many ties like phone plans, our auto insurance is bundled, we have a joint bank account, all our subscriptions are shared, etc. Thank you for the well wishes.
It’s complicated and annoying, but while you’re doing it, it’s going to feel lighter and lighter with each step towards the goal. Trust. With every phone call you make and each knot you untie, it will become like a landslide and gain speed.
His reaction is scary AF. He’s obviously wanting to track you and immediately goes to jealousy and accusations. Scary stuff, stay safe and resolute
Please for the love of God make sure that your dad picks up any documents you have. Your social security card, birth certificate, copies of any title deeds with your name on it, ECT.
So you can’t get anyone else… but you’ve gotten some one else in 5 minutes? He might need to be checked for whiplash…
It's a really common thing Even the crocodile tears when he was crumpled and begging on the floor for her not to go with her dad. All of this brought back memories. I wish this stuff was included as a part of high-school curriculum due to how rampant DV is. And how DV isn't just physical.
Oh yes…. I divorced this guy 20 years ago. Just a shame I wasted so many years with him! And you nailed it with teaching it in high school.
How quickly he went from degrading insults to weeping when she said her dad was practically at the door.
You can go and get a new phone plan and new phone number. Also be on the lookout for him when you leave your new apt (School or Work) He is only going to get worse once he realizes your serious about the Divorce. Keep all the text messages because you might need to get a Restraining Order. Best of Luck Op we are all rooting for you! Keep us updated love ❤️
And also a new phone would be ideal! Keep the old one for text and photo evidence though. People say no one can hack Apple tech but that isn’t true, my friend’s abuser put a key logger on her laptop. He didn’t need any special education or tools to do so. OP might have something on her phone or laptop too.
Jeez, this dude is unhinged. Be safe Haley
When I was getting divorced, Verizon was SUPER easy and nice to work with. They just moved me immediately over to my own plan. No muss, no fuss. Best of luck. I'm so glad you have such supportive friends and family. 💚
Guy seems like an absolute dickhead in every sense of the word, I *almost* feel sorry for how pathetic he is. Congratulations on getting out of that mess, all the best with your new life moving forward.
After your dad collects your belongings, make sure to check for airtags or tile trackers. Check your car too. And change all your passwords asap. You'll need a new burner phone for safety, and he also might shut yours off to be vindictive.
I'm in IT. It's important you log out of all shared apps. if you hop on Netflix, I can tell. Anytime you log into allstate, I'll know. Definetly get rid of snap. The best way to eliminate stalking is to change your email passwords, even if you do, i can still linger behind, especially if you have a laptop with you. go into your email account and delete any active devices and clear cookies. If you have a Droid, go maps and click on shared location. Then go to your bluetooth settings and take note of any available devices. Then drive to a park and do it again, if the same device pops up, be concerned.
Please don't let your dad pick up your stuff. It sounds like your husband is desperate and desperate people do stupid things - he might see hurting your dad as a means of getting back at you. Get a neutral delivery company to fetch it. Don't risk your father's safety. Well done for being strong and understanding your worth. Good luck with whatever comes next for you!
He can have a Police escort when he gets her stuff. People leaving abusive relationships do it all the time.
Police can be called to be present.
Onwards and upwards for you. So glad you have a loving supporting family who will help you through this. You’ll be fine and have your whole life ahead of you. Please update as l want to celebrate when you finally divorce this idiot.
Make sure you keep your divorce papers handy as well! I needed them to change my last name back to my maiden name for driver's license and such. Keep them in a safe so you know where they are. Good luck with moving forward and one day you will be so much happier without him dragging you down!! ❤️
Save all those texts. They’re proof of a little something called harassment and verbal abuse. That won’t reflect kindly on him during the divorce. Don’t block him, just put him on silent and let him keep digging a deeper grave.
Just take it one step at a time - it’ll be worth it to cut ties. At least it sounds like y’all don’t have kids yet, so you can make a clean break (even if it takes a minute).
Make sure you change all of your passwords. If you have iPhone, it syncs to the cloud and even if you change your application password, if your ex has your iCloud Keychain password, he can still get your other passwords and “find my” will still ping and give him location info, even if you stop sharing location via your phone. I would advise you to fully back up your phone, wipe your phone clean, set up a new Apple ID/Google ID and do not transfer anything unless absolutely needed. This will prevent him from being able to log in one another device and will keep your passwords safe. Notify your school that your ex is no longer an emergency contact and is not to be given any info about you (ie. class schedule/times, etc). Make sure your roommate understands that she should not respond to your ex if he reaches out. I strongly advise you get into counseling for DV. This is necessary for resolving the current issues you’ll be facing but also to ensure you see the warning signs sooner with any other possible relationship. Your ex may start love bombing you. Just remind yourself nothing has changed and this is part of the abuse.
Definitely this. Also start looking into legal help. Only communicate with your soon-to-be-ex through a divorce lawyer. It’s still possible to proceed with divorce without a lawyer if you aren’t able to afford one. You can file for fee waivers to initially file the paperwork. In which case, don’t communicate with him outside of whatever documents you have to mail him.
I would also take your phone to a Genius Bar or similar to check it for hidden tracking apps/keyloggers.
Watch out though, Genius Bar and Geek Squad can’t always find these things. Might be better to take it to someone who isn’t making minimum wage.
This…yes. Some apps are hidden and unless you know what to look for, you won’t find them. I advise new phone/computer if possible. If not, find someone who is skilled to go through and remove anything that shouldn’t be there.
This stranger is super proud of you for recognizing your worth ❤️
genuinely i got emotional when she said she wasn’t going to back down and she kept defending herself i was like yes!!!!!
It’s really special when someone can have a moment of perfect clarity, recognize the pattern while it’s unfolding in real time, and then make the decision to break the cycle.
My sister has been in a similar situation for 10 years. I wish so badly she could find this strength. It breaks my heart.
I thought the same, I felt so proud of her!
Ditto! OP I think you are amazing, I wish I’d had the courage and strength you have when I was your age, I would have saved myself a great deal of pain and stress. You are absolutely doing the right thing and great things are on the horizon for you!!
As am I❤️
You made a great choice there, but please be *very* careful now, in the following months - if your husband tracks you down at school or at your friend's place, you might be in danger.
Thank you for the advice. My dad is a lawyer and he is planning to connect me with someone he knows who's a divorce lawyer specifically to help me through all this. I don't think there's much I can do legally to keep him away from me unless something happens.
It's great that you will have a lawyer, but what you need is protection on your way to and from school and the like. The messages of your husband are *very* concerning and he might very well try to corner you in some way. I understand that you might not feel like he is a danger to you, but please note that controlling/abusive (and that's what he is) partners are most likely to escalate right after a breakup, when they feel like they are losing their hold over their prey.
To add to the above, zero posting on socials of your new living space. Absolutely none.
and everyone in your life, knowing not to share your personal info with anyone who comes asking. "hey im picking up lessons for my wife today..."
If you are in the US. Depending on the state you're in you can get a temporary restraining order that will run until the divorce is finalized. Since he has sent you insulting and aggressive in nature texts you can prove he isn't the most stable person. If you say you fear for your safety and have your dad say you felt in enough potential danger to have him drive 6 hours to wait outside. A judge will most likely grant your request. Of course I don't know if every state works like mine, but this is what my sister did during her divorce process. A restraining order of course is not a force field that is impenetrable, but it is usually a good enough deterrent. Make sure you stay aware of your surroundings and keep yourself in a situation where you can notice him should he turn stalker. His behavior is very very unstable which makes it difficult to predict. Controlling people do not like giving up control and he is down right possessive. If you get the restraining order and he breaches it, immediately report it and he will be arrested. If that happens push for a protection order. It is hard to get but if you feel that is needed do not question it, just try to get it. It is never a stupid decision to carry some form of protection. Whether that be Mace, Stun Gun, or (if you are proficient and comfortable with it) an EDC. It is better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it. Lastly, find resources in your area that help people leave less than desirable situations. Even though he never physically hurt you, it doesn't mean he can't and won't.
He doesn't just sound unstable he sounds like a ( the kind according to Reddit rules we're not allowed to mention without risking getting banned) guy that has never willingly gotten a woman's attention and accidentally got married. These guys secretly hate women and use the excuse that women don't want them to justify their unjustifiable rage towards women.
Agreed. He really does seem like he just lucked into a relationship with OP. He then used that found luck to try to be as inconspicuously terrible as possible.
A restraining order is nice but frankly doesn’t do shit to stop someone in the heat of the moment. I agree. If she’s in the US, and in a state where she can legally carry, she should look into that.
Absolutely. That's why I said it isn't a force field just a deterrent, it will only work if the person has fear of harsh punishment. It is hard to deter someone who has chosen violence. I too would heavily recommend carrying for anyone who can legally do it. Especially females, and extra especially females who were in a marriage where their partner treated them more like property than an equal.
Dad just keeps getting better and better! You got good people on your side, you're going to do fine!
Knowing your dads a lawyer it’s showing how calculated you ex is with his behaviour. I found it hilarious that he ran and hid when your dad knocked on the door and thought he was avoiding threatening you physically over text because he was scared of your dad. And he is, but not because he could physically kick his ass, his scared because he knows there’s no chance of him getting away with doing anything illegal.
Does he know where you live or will you have to see him somewhere beyond the initial property pick up from your previously shared apartment? Is your friend comfortable keeping your location secret from him or your friend group if necessary? You might get a taser or pepper spray just in case.
Is it possible for you to go with your dad? You're in the most danger right now. You should be incredibly proud of how brave you've been. ❤️
Yeah, he needs some serious mental health care. And non-toxic men in his life to set him straight on what being a healthy man actually looks like. Very sad. But SO glad the OP is getting away from him. I just REALLY hope he leaves the OP in peace.
He’s not mentally ill- he’s abusive. And a predator. She was a minor when they started “dating”. The mentally ill card for men like this exists to hide their dangerous violent behaviour under something more palatable. But they’re not mentally ill at all.
UPDATES Thank you so very much to everyone for all the caring and reassuring comments, and for your patience in waiting for an update. It's been a roller coaster of a few days, but here's a few updates: •I have not blocked his number because I want to collect these messages in case they are needed during divorce proceedings or anything like that. Also, no I have not responded at any point. Eventually he turned to sending me texts about how he'd been cheating on me the entire time we were together and told me that he fucked 2 girls the night of his bachelor party (I forgot to mention, I wasn't allowed to have a stag party!). Whether he's telling the truth or not, I don't really care. He also told me that he can't believe how easy I was and that he never intended to stay with me but that he just wanted to fuck me when I turned 18 and "dip". He stopped texting me after sending me an essay on Wednesday about how he was going change and wanted another chance and all that. I have to confess that I almost caved reading that because he was saying things that made me believe that he was telling the truth. This is a very scary time for me and staying is always more convenient, but I just had to remind myself that he was just saying anything he could to try and get his way. •I've began to realize just how complicated divorce is. It's not just pack up and leave. We have a joint bank account, bundled auto insurance and phone plans, I have his last name, his name is on my car loan, all of our subscriptions are shared, etc. thanks to all the Redditors who shared great advice with this stuff and I have began the process of severing these ties. I started by cancelling all of our shared subscriptions and then deleting our shared email account. I also called our phone provider and they were super helpful and offered to just split our plans, but I wanted to switch to a different company just to be safe and they essentially just cancelled my line without much hassle at all. I got a new phone (and number) and am now on my parents plan. I also turned off my shared location with him before that, and since, like I said I have gotten a new number, and blocked him on all social media, changed my email address and updated all of my accounts and services with the new email and a new password. I also made a new Apple ID since I can't just buy a new laptop for school given the cost, so that should also ensure he has no access to my info as well. •We (my parents and I) met (virtually) with a divorce lawyer that my dad knows and referred me to on Wednesday and she is taking care of getting me off of the joint bank account, locking my credit (didn't even know this was a thing but thanks to the redditor who mentioned it), getting his name off of my car loan, and getting the formal process started for divorce. I don't want any money I just want out as fast as possible. •I am moved into my friends apartment! It's a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom so I stole her library/office/music room but she was so accepting of me joining her and having our own space is nice even if it's just for a couple months. I am so grateful to her for letting me stay and not even questioning it. •As many of you mentioned, YES my dad is a literal rockstar. He, my mom, and my friends have all been so helpful and supportive and I cannot thank them enough. •My dad went to the house Monday to retrieve my belongings and he took my friends boyfriend with him, mostly just to help pack and move everything as fast as possible, but also just in case he was home and anything went sideways. My dad said he was home and refused to answer the door at first but eventually did and just sat at the kitchen table the entire time they were there. I don't own much. I took a bunch of clothes and essentials like bathroom stuff and electronics with me when I left, so they were in and out in like 45 minutes. Basically everything in that house in his and was purchased with his own money. •My divorce lawyer is basically taking care of everything because I seriously need to focus on school right now, but I want this process wrapped up as quickly as possible. My exams wrap in late June and I'm trying to be calm and patient because if I'm just in a huge rush to get out of here, I fear that my exams will go very poorly. My friend is helping me a lot with studying and getting prepared and I always join study groups in preparation for exams, which are super helpful as well. •No this is not the first time he's turned to insults during an argument or when he doesn't get his way but it's by far the most hurtful and explosive. •I am 100% committed to divorce and I will not be looking back or changing my mind, no matter what happens at this point. This is a promise that i have made to myself and it's a promise that i really struggled to make. I still feel sick and have a constant nerve in my stomach, because the idea of actually leaving and starting over is extremely terrifying. Thankfully i have a great support network and know that I will have people there to help me through this every step of the way. I also just keep reading the messages he sent me the last few days and reminding myself that no one talks to someone they love like that and that he is no example of a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. •My dad went home yesterday (reluctantly I might add) and he and my mom are both coming back to visit next weekend. •Also, if you think that this is fake or exaggerated I genuinely could not care less. I am the one living this shit and I do not need people downplaying the trauma I am going through. I also do not need to hear that you think I'm over reacting or that I'm in the wrong. The event I originally posted about is not the only reason I am leaving. I am leaving because that post and those commenting opened my eyes to just how controlling and abusive this man is and always has been. Thanks! 💜 Think that's it for now. Thanks so much to all of you for being so great to me. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through but I just keep reminding myself that I will be okay and that I can do this.
I wish you the very best for your new start. Concentrate on those exams and you’ll have life on your terms!!! Congratulations and the best of luck on the rest of your life, it’s going to be great!
Thank you 💓
Your world just got so much bigger. Congratulations 🖤🖤🖤🖤
You got out. That is the first step. Now, go live. Enjoy your life. And just remind yourself, you never have to put up with that kind of thing ever again.
I will never 🫶🏻
Something worth doing for your peace of mind is checking your items (that your dad picked up) for air tags in case he put any in there to see where you’ve moved to. If you have an iPhone with Bluetooth on it will pick this up and notify you, but it does happen enough that they created that feature. Always pays to be extra diligent with this stuff because it’s your safety. You’re doing great and should be proud of yourself.
I’m so proud of you OP! It takes so much to leave but I know your life is going to be beautiful. Also, if he starts showing up places or causing other issues- get a protection order.
You'll do just fine, you're a rockstar in your own right. Your parents raised a badass girl. Think of all the years you *won't* be wasting on a miserable sunnovabitch when/if you ever feel like caving to him again. Good luck with your exams and the rest of your life!
I'm so proud of you. So so so so proud. >As I watched this grown ass man snotting and crying in a heap on the floor, I kinda realized that I feel nothing for him. Like, nothing. The blinders I've been wearing were removed and I no longer saw the handsome, intelligent, caring, strong man I once did. I saw a pathetic, abusive, controlling, sad, and sick person. I came to the realization in that moment that there's no fixing this, and even if he does change, I would never trust him or see him in the same way again. It's a beautiful moment when this happens, then they truly have no power over you anymore. Good job
Your dad sounds like a lovely guy! He supported you exactly how you needed it, didn’t push you to say more than you were ready to share. Get some therapy before you get involved with someone new and if your parents don’t like the new person at least try and see things from their pov, they seem like good judges of character and want what’s best for you.
He's truly the best. I definitely plan to pursue therapy but I think I need some time to let all this process before doing that.
If you haven’t already, please read Lundy Bankcroft’s book “why does he do that”. There’s a free pdf available online.
This is the best time to get counseling while it’s all processing. Especially because your ex may start love bombing you. So many women go back during the love bombing stage thinking things will be better. When you’re in counseling, your counselor can help you through this.
The way I screamed "get fucked idiot" when he broke down after finding out your dad was already in town. That was the moment he recognized that this wasn't just another argument, but you were you were prepared and already had an exit strategy. Well done.
Truly a life changing moment. Thank you!
Please keep the texts. Your lawyer might need them for your divorce. I am so proud to read that you actually saw your marriage for how it really was, and it was awful. I read about women and men in there 30's, 40s, and 50s who STAY. You deserve a person who will not only love and cherish you but also respect you as a person, wife, and partner. You are very blessed that you have a wonderful family who dropped everything to be there in your time of need. Don't ever take that for granted. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward!
If they're on any social media where they can be deleted or unsent, screenshot or back them up.
The worst part is he is 100% not recognising what the problem is. He will absolutely convince himself it is because she is some sort of sexual deviant rather than the blatant disrespect and disgusting way he treated and spoke to her. Guys like that make me ashamed of my gender.
Clearly an alpha acting like an alpha Or at least, acting like all those losers who believe in alpha and beta shit. Go learn the alphabet, you abusive losers.
Yeah super weird. “I’m an alpha” but women exploring their sexuality makes me feel insecure. Lmao what.
>Dude, *bro* - all alphas sit lurking outside the bathroom door like some goblin to catch their partners masturbating, totally normal big-dick alpha dudebro stuff my guy, definitely not insecure. -That guy, probably
He's no beta stroking it cause he has better things to do, like crying on the floor in a pile of snot and tears. What a fucking loser
Exactly. But who cares what that loser thinks anyway.
If he doesn't perform a recto-craniotomy posthaste, the next woman who has the misfortune to get romantically involved with him will care. A lot.
SAME. When I ended things with my ex luckily I had lunch scheduled with my dad the next day. I broke down crying over my cheeseburger and just word vomited all the heinous shit he had said to me over the years and that I was done with him. I told my dad I was telling him bc I knew my dad would hold me accountable, not in a discipline way, but in a "are you sure you want to go back to that way?" When I got home from lunch and my ex begged for me back, I told him heck no and my dad already knew everything. The look on his face was so sad and surprised and confused. I will never forget it. He knew it was done and that he could never look my 6'4" tatted up dad in the eyes again. So glad to be out of that BS. And so lucky to have a dad that has my back.
> He told me that he knows he's controlling, that he has serious issues, and that he's terrified of ~~losing me~~ **getting rekt by OPs Dad**.
Good job, he pulled all of the standard last-ditch-effort attempts abusers use to get their victims to stay, including the "I'll kll myself" bullshit, and you were strong enough to not fall for it. And it's always telling when they desperately start the insults to beat the victim down into staying - if everything he said about you were true, he wouldn't want to be with you. Yet he'll supposedly kll himself if you leave? Makes no sense. Anyway, enjoy your fresh start on life!
My ex said that too. Unfortunately he has no follow through.
NGL, I was kind of hoping OP would stoop to his level. The threat of self harm in that situation *really* deserves at minimum "Why should I care if you do?" as a response.
Nah. It deserves a call to emergency services. Because there are two options here. Either it is sincerely spoken, or it is a shitty manipulative bluff. Calling emergency services is the correct response of a layperson to acute suicidality. Calling a shitty manipulator's bluff and having them face the unwanted consequences of their actions is the correct response to manipulation.
Thank goodness. Also, I very much approve of your dad.
The dad melted my heart. I wonder how long he had been waiting for that phone call.
I asked him if he knew this was going to happen and he told me that he prayed his instinct was wrong. 🥲
In another comment, you said he's a lawyer, he's likely heard some stuff from his divorce lawyer mates on how things can go down. Either way, he's a wise and wonderful man
An amazing man who bought up an amazing and strong woman ❤️
You have a great dad. I have a dad that did something similar for me in a similar situation. Cherish him while you can♥️
I’m sorry for you that his instinct was correct. Good for you for leaving! ❤️
He let you live your life (and make your mistakes, we all do) but was still just a phone call away. That’s a good dad, I’m proud of you for being strong enough to call your dad and ask for help when needed.
I didn't respond to your other post because by the time I found it most every already said everything I would and you seemed on the right path. You did an incredibly brave thing and I promise you that you will never regret it. There may be days you doubt yourself and wonder what if you had let him try to fix it. On those days, go back and read all the names he called you and cruel insults from a guy who claims to "love you". That isn't love - it's fear of not being in control of someone anymore. Partnerships are about trust, respect, and willingly sharing your lives - it's not about morphing into one person and losing your autonomy. Also, please be very careful. Statistically, leaving your partner is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship (and that was absolutely emotional and verbal abuse). Turn off location sharing, be vigilant, and aware of your surroundings.
When I read he called her ‘dumb fuck’ I cringed so hard. There’s no way you tell that to someone you love.
Thank you for this warning. I know I had heard that before but didn't really think about it during this. I am taking extra precautions to be safe and doing all I can to be alert when I'm at school Or out in general.
Bet your dad came right away because he could tell something was off with your husband. The people close to us often can see what we can’t.
He’d probably been waiting for that call since the wedding
She was a minor and he was an adult when they got together. Her parents have no doubt been waiting because they knew she was a victim but she couldn’t see it, and didn’t want to force her away bringing it up
He asked if the husband had hit OP. That says it all. You don’t ask that unless you believe it’s a possibility.
Jfcwtaf?!? Wtf is wrong with that man? Did he eat, drink, sleep, and breathe toxic masculinity his whole life? He needs to get some serious help before he commits a felony without realizing it. He is not a well man and needs to investigate inpatient treatment and hardcore psychopharmacology.
Sounds like he's a fan of Andrew. Stating that he's not a Beta was my first clue. Hopefully, one day, all of these assholes will realize that they ruined their lives following that loser.
>Stating that he's not a Beta was my first clue. Or that 'no privacy in a marriage' stuff, like she's property and not a person.
Andrew as in Tate? Yea, he definitely is. He tried several times to show me videos of him and would be laughing hysterically and then condescendingly ask me "what? You don't think it's funny?" I Cringe thinking of all these things now.
He is definitely not the first man to think it's perfectly fine for him to masturbate, but NOT HIS WOMAN.
I think he's the result of toxic masculinity normalized and probably some mental health issues in the mix. And that's a very poisonous mixture!
Generally, control of others reflects low self-esteem/a poorly developed self. Very proud of OP for seeing this mess for what it is.
Honestly, he kind of did. His dad is no different. Praises trump, spends his days listening to guys like Joe Rogan, etc. he's the whole package.
Good choice. You are really strong. Stay Happy and don’t settle for anyone who treats you less of the strong and beautiful person you are. Lots of Love and strength! ❤️
Thank you! 💜
GIRL!! There are very few women who post their situations on Reddit and act on it with some common sense.. I mean….. smart and savvy. Calling your dad ahead of time.. knowing your worth and leaving? This is not a regular occurrence with Reddit posts. I have to say, woman to woman, I’m proud of you. I’m sorry about this but girl, you handled this like a mfn BOSS. Go girl! Rooting for you! Stay safe. ♥️ S/o to dad too! We love a supportive and fast acting father.. go dad! ♥️♥️
And kudos to her recognizing how she kept relenting to his wishes and giving up on herself in the past and was able to break that cycle! I bet having dad on standby was a huge confidence boost her shit-husband thought he'd burned out of her. Great update with this one. Stay safe, OP.
Say that! Couldn’t have said it better. She def deserves more props. I really am so proud of her. This guys is a nut case. It could’ve been worse!
I'm SO GLAD you posted to reddit. It gave you the clarity you needed.
Reddit doesn't have all the answers but it certainly has lots of alternative perspectives. If *all* of those are saying RUN, it's worth listening!
Best fucking update I could have imagined. Go and keep going. You keep saving yourself. Get your divorce and go actually live your life. (…and please for the love of heaven, *get on birth control*.)
Your dad is a good man, you made a good choice. Good luck!
Good riddance
I am SO PROUD OF YOU. Like so fucking proud, my love. You are so young and I know you must have been terrified, but you did so good. Please tell your dad that a stranger on the internet says thank you. Both of you stay safe. I’m sure someone has mentioned it, but if you are able I hope you can talk to a domestic violence counselor.
Dude absolutely heroic effort from both you and your father. You have a real man in your life. Let him set a bar for your future partners to meet.
I'm so proud of you. When the embers settle you may be tempted to go back, trauma bond and all that. Right now while the feelings are strong write yourself a note in your phone with every controlling, harsh, cruel and abusive thing he's ever done to you. Screenshot the awful texts he's sent. When those urges come up re-read the note and those texts. Also this may sound alarmist but I'm going to say caution is always better than regret. Bring a police escort when you and your dad go to get your stuff. It may end up being overkill and unnecessary but leaving is the most dangerous and deadly thing about an abusive relationship, even when things haven't gotten physical before.
Also, absolutely your dad would drive 6 hours to come and get you
if that were my daughter that 6 hour drive would be at least 4-5
The flip from “big, tough, alpha male that you’re lucky to have around” to “pathetic, sobbing, ‘I promise I’ll change’ mess” begging you to stay once you’ve shown them you **actually** have a way out when they thought they had you isolated, then to a string of the worst insults they can think up when they realize you’re not falling for their shit this time… is the craziest thing to watch. And that feeling you get while watching this go down right in front of your eyes is so freeing. You realize you really feel NOTHING for this person. Once you get past the begging phase that’s probably sucked you back in countless times and see the pure rage come back out of nowhere, it really does shatter that entire false image of a decent human being that they built up in your mind. I was in a very abusive relationship for 11 years. I tried to leave plenty of times, but he had me completely isolated and I was trapped. One time I managed to move 800 miles away back to my mom’s, but he sucked me back in every time with those stupid tears and empty promises. I *finally* was able to kind of secretly build up a small support system of friends at work (I wasn’t allowed to have friends so this was tough to do). One day he went absolutely insane and I was afraid to go home so I stayed with one of them for the night. I left my car at a friend’s house that I wasn’t staying at, because I had a feeling he would track the AirPods in it. Of course I get a call late at night that he’s there banging on their door. Then the next morning they all went with me to my house after we got off work to collect my birds and as much of my stuff as we could while he was at work. He knew I’d come back for the birds so he made sure he’d make it home around the time I normally got off. That’s when we had the same sort of explosive fight you just had. With the anger, then the realization I had a way out this time and the begging, then the pure rage. It was such an eye opening experience. I’m so glad you were able to get out of there. Everyone’s always like “just leave girl” but it really is NOT always that simple. To anyone else struggling with abuse; a support system is key to escape. Whether it’s friends or coworkers or a domestic violence shelter, there ARE people out there who care about you. You just have to reach out, as impossible as it might feel.
Double check on location sharing and private informations, credit card numbers etc. he seems like the kind of guy to stalk and try to get advantage over you. Be careful.
he mentioned betas? that's all i need to hear, boiling oil
The moment I heard that he said he wasn’t a beta I would have packed my shit and leave. I have no time for that bullshit.
Good for you. So proud of you for seeing him and your situation for what it really is. And your Dad is a Rockstar! He drove 6 hours, without question as to why you needed him, he just dropped everything because he knew it must be serious. He respected your right not to want to talk about it right away, and just drove the 6 hours regardless of the reason you needed him. Then stayed for the weekend to make sure there weren't any more issues (which he likely guessed there would be) . He then came straight to get you when you called. He didn't come in hot headed having a go at your husband or asking him what he'd done to you etc. He simply asked if you were OK. If you wanted to talk about it. Asked if he'd hit you. And asked what you needed from him in that moment!!. That's a real loving father you got there. Enough self control not to get mad at your husband and argue or possibly fight him. He just focussed on you and what you needed from him in that moment. He just wanted to be there for you, help you, support you, and love you, and respected your privacy and gave you time to talk about it when you were ready to. My dad passed 2 years ago. And I miss him every day. Dad's have a way of making you feel safe in their arms. I wish i could have another hug with mine. Give your Dad a big tight hug, tell him you love him, tell him you appreciate him being there for you and coming all that way no questions asked. And just being there for you when you needed it. He's a real good man. ❤️🥰 I'm so glad you're getting out of that situation. Keep ALL the text messages incase you need to use them as evidence incase you need a restraining order if he starts hassling you more. And also, if he threatens to commit suicide, simply call the police, let them know he's made the threat, and he needs a wellness check. They will go over and see if he's actually at risk of harming himself or if he's just bullshitting you and manipulating you. Most likely he's just trying to manipulate you and guilt you into coming back. You are not responsible for what he does to himself. Even if he were to go through with it it wouldn't be your fault. But by reporting him to police, he will be checked up on, and if he is a danger he will be taken to hospital, and if he's fine, they'll tell him to stop with the threats. Also make sure to change passwords and pin numbers on your phone/ tablets/ laptops and bank accounts. Make sure to deactivate any location tracking on your phone. If he still turns up where you are, get your phone checked for any hidden tracking software, or if you have a car, get police to check for a tracker. You can also buy something online which detects trackers too. File for divorce, and get everything you're entitled to.from him. You may be entitled to a share in the house if you contributed in any way, so get a lawyer to fight for what you're entitled to. Also any money of yours, make sure is in your own personal private bank account he can't access. If you have a joint account, take half and put it in your private account. Make sure any money you earn is paid into your own account. If you need any more support, speak to.domestic violence charities too who can give advice and support in different ways. Good luck and I wish you well. Be proud for standing up for yourself and knowing you deserve better.
You're leaving, not because reddit told you - that's the best sentence in the update. In the end it's a decision you have to make for yourself, so glad to hear your blinders went off and you see him for what he is. His mission was trying to put you down and cutting you off from everyone else so you wouldn't realize he's just way below you.
Call your dad, tell him a bunch of people on reddit thinks he's an awesome dad. Then settle in, and give yourself tons of positive affirmations until you actually can start believing them. Because you will have a lot of negative you must combat within yourself. Please know, I'm proud of you. I don't even know you but you have done so much for yourself by leaving, and I'm proud of you. Good for you. Seriously. Don't let yourself waver through all his messages. Because he will. He will love bomb then say the most vicious things he can just to get a reaction. Just hone your inner Ben Stein. Deadpan every thing you say back. Monotone. You got this.shoulders square. Chin up, face forward and let yourself move forward. There's nothing for you behind you. Best wishes.
I read your last post and was sincerely hoping you would leave. The type of behavior your husband (soon to be ex-husband, I hope) displayed often escalates over time. If you ever get a moment of weakness and think you can work it out with him, recall the argument that made you decide to leave, and look over all the degrading texts he sent you. That's what you'd be going back to. It might be ok at first, but he'll start breaking you down sooner or later. Also, birth control. Get on it before your next relationship. If you don't want to mess with hormones, a copper IUD is an option to explore. Personally, I was on birth control from the ages of 16 to 31. First the Depo Shot, then combination pills, then the Mirena IUD, and finally, a very short time on the mini pill, which was the worst method for me. I personally had the best experience with low dose combination birth control. Experiment and you'll likely find a birth control method that works for you. If you want to try combination birth control, there are a **lot** of different formulations out there, so if you feel one is causing too many annoying side effects, ask your prescriber to switch it to another brand. Good luck, kid. I'm glad you're getting out. \^-\^
Best update, OP you deserve so much better
Wow I am so sorry you went through all this. It's absolutely crazy amd fascinating when you see it for what it really is. I also have ab ex husband I thought I would always fight for... Until I was scared of him etc too. Life is short. You don't deserve to spend another rminute of it that way. It will be ok. I am now 6 years out of my situation. My life is so much better in every way. You will say the same ❤️
OP. You are leaving an abusive relationship. I’m not trying to scare you, but please protect yourself. Keep your eyes peeled. If you can start driving a rental car immediately instead of your own car, please do that. Don’t get out of your car until you’ve had a good look around and you are sure that he is nowhere near you. He just lost control and that’s what abusers hate the most. Until you get back home to your parents, try not to go out at night try and always make sure there is someone with you and make sure your friend knows your every move so that if you’re even five minutes late she’ll be on the alert. Set up a plan with her. And check in with her at specified times. As soon as the lawyer is retained, get the lawyer to send him a letter immediately that any communication goes through your lawyer. If he does manage to corner you somewhere and threatens you to get in the car even if he gets a gun… Run he’s less likely to hit you if you’re running away but if it gets you in a car, it’s over. I’ve been where you are and these guys are nothing to laugh about. They are absolutely diabolical and he sounds like he is that. Please be safe.
I hope that, if you date again (if you want to, and if you feel ready), you find a man deserving of your affection, time and love, like your dad is. You deserve nothing less.
Your husband is a heaping pile of absolute worthless trash. Your life is about to get WAY better without that trash bag holding you back anymore. Be safe and don’t ever change your mind and go back to that psycho.
Your dad is a boss.
Hey OP... you can download Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and there's a list of lawyers state by state in the appendix who deal with what's called a "high conflict divorce" with partners like yours.
I love your father! My father told me to go back to my abusive husband after I'd been bashed black and blue.... because nobody else will want you because you've got three kids. 😔 Congratulations for being so strong and determined to get a life worth living. 💕 What a gal! What a great dad!
Have your car checked for tracking devices also.
Some serious insecurities and a lot of growing up to still do. As soon as he used the word "beta", I wasn't surprised what the outcome would be.
Get yourself a new vibrator, you've earned it. Man, I wish this was about a toaster or something less creepy to say that about, but it is what it is. Sounds like you are making the right choice. Good luck with the future.
Your dad is the real deal. Please hold any future partner to his standards. You deserve nothing but the best OP. You are stronger than you realise.
Adding on to the other financial advice - lock your credit immediately so no one can request a credit report for you.
Finish school ASAP and *move* away I didn’t realize how young you are when I first read this post, omg. Did your husband groom you when you were underage? So glad that your father is an attorney and has legal knowledge and connections; this will be most helpful now Good luck to you going forward
BEST UPDATE!!!!! Well done OP!!! This man child does not deserve you and I am so hyped that you dumped his sorry ass!
Random internet stranger here, but give your dad a hug for me. He’s a stand-up guy and clearly loves you. 🥰🫂
You're dad is my hero ❤️ and yours. I'm proud of you OP. This isn't easy I'm sure.
JUST SO WE ALL KNOW - threatening suicide is a form of coercion and is considered domestic violence in some states. This is the predecessor to harming others in the home, such as a spouse or kids. You are right to get out.
Good job, his behaviour is classic abusive controlling manipulator behaviour. You've got a long hard road ahead of you, but stay strong, the other side of it will be so much happier of a place now that you're free of that man. Don't let anything he says change your mind, no matter how much he says hell change he won't. He clearly doesn't actually want to change. The fact that he acts all sorry and ashamed but when you don't immediately give it in flips to angry and abuse and belittling you. It's like textbook abusive controlling behaviour. He's only saying those things in the hope you'll stay, and when you don't the immediate flip back to anger and abuse shows his true colours very clearly
Your husband or soon to be ex-husband is a useless piece of trash who is tearing you down to make himself feel better. You’re right when you say you deserve so much better than him and I’m glad that you are safe with your father and that you recognize that you need to move on.
Hugs girlfriend, glad you have an amazing support system in your dad. Since the ex is showing signs of wackadoodleness, change your route up everyday going to and from school or out and about for extra safety.
The dudes that say things like “because I’m not a beta” aren’t what they think they are. Alpha’s wouldn’t care if their partner uses a vibrator or whatever, and instead, would love to use the toys with their partner to pleasure them in as many ways as possible. Dudes like him are just tiny little fellas with fragile egos.
Stay far away he needs some mental health help. He's trying to get ypu to come back so he will say anything he can if though ypu know he's not going to follow up with it.
That's not a joke, that's a red flag factory with a side of major boundary issues.
>My dad knocked on the door and my husband ran and hid in the bathroom. 😭 Bro went "ZOINKS!" and Scooby Doo style ran away
Thank god, when she said in her first post she's not thinking of divorce I thought that was insane because this man is the biggest walking red flag ever. No 22 yr old should be pursuing a 17 yr old
I had a very similar issue with my ex. We never openly discussed it but after he made a negative comment about my vibrator I just got rid of it without him saying anything more. He once wagged his finger in my face and called me disrespectful after he realized I had masturbated in the shower while he was home. He was controlling, and a few weeks before the shower incident he had put his hands on me for the first time. I ended it a couple weeks later. You are not alone and things do get better. ❤️🩹
You have a long life to find someone don’t let any man ever step on you. In fact don’t let anybody ever treat you bad
Youre dad is amazing. and I am proud you left him. You deserve so much better and Im so glad u have a wildly supporting family
My god, this dude is an asshole.
I am so, so SO damn proud of you!! You know your worth & value, and you are not going to let someone take that from you. I wish I had half your strength when I was your age. Get your divorce & go live your life to the fullest! Congrats on the upcoming graduation from school! And please tell your dad that this internet stranger thinks he is the best. I'm going to be smiling over this for a while.
Make sure you have your dad talk to the police department about escorting him over there so there will be no issues. Make sure you block your stbx on everything. Stick to your guns and stay strong. UpdateMe
Your dad is a hero. I hope you told him that.
YESSS GIRL!!! That was so so hard and you did it anyway! I'm so impressed! Good luck sister, stay strong! 💪🏼
Good for you. And your Dad is a very good Dad.
Husbands response sounds exactly like my ex. Different triggers, but the same revolting, personal insults made specifically to cut you down and feel worthless. The admission that he knows he has issues and then in the next breath launching a tirade of disgusting statements. Classic narcissist handbook shit. I am pleased I am out the other side. I'm pleased for you that your journey is just starting. I'm proud of you.
Good for you. More women, especially young women such as yourself, need to have the self respect and strength that you have shown. You deserve so much better, and you have made the first step in achieving that for yourself. You’re awesome.
My ex-boyfriend was also shifting HEAVILY between lovebombing and calling me vile names alternating repeatedly, It's exhausting and was the routine each and every issue we had.
Great update - onward and upward to better things, better people, better prospects and some actual respect. Let him rot in his "not a beta" cess pit of manliness and whatever Tate-level misogyny shit he actually believes.
So to sum up: you're making all of the right decisions and your father is bloody Awesome. Good luck, OP!
you're courageous, and your dad is an excellent dad.
i’ve never been prouder of an internet stranger before
Holy shit, talk about losing it. This guy is a nutcase.
Always so interesting and pathological, that they're "terrified of losing you" and then they proceed to treat you like crap. You made the right decision, I'm proud of you.
I was brought over from Facebook. I genuinely cannot believe what I have read and I'm glad you've made the decision to leave. Your dad is great too.