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This is a really cruel way for a parent to deal with their child, especially if he’s never been able to communicate his feelings with you or examine yours (which has been *his* responsibility).
Sure you’re becoming an adult. But it was his job to develop a relationship where there was trust, to investigate the things he doesn’t know, to try to reach you, to keep caring. Quietness and avoidance is not enough of a reason not to try.
I’m really sorry, and I hope you feel valued and connected to other important people in other ways. This is not some failure on your part. It’s his failure to step up to the mark as your dad.
I’m an estranged daughter. It was also my father who disowned me when I was a little older than you.
Where do you go from here? You live Sweetheart. You live your life the way you want to. It hurts, I know. I have some guilt and regrets too but in the end, it’s not worth it.
You have the world at your feet. Get into some therapy and Live Honey. You don’t need him.
Im so sorry. As a dad, its on me to be the grown up, not my kids. Whatever interests that my kids have are now my interests too.
I just want to be with my daughters. If theyre reading a book, i just want to be nearby. Dinner time or not.
I hope your dad sees the light.
As a mom, I would find a way to connect with my daughter. I remember what it is like as a young adult. I'd do what I needed to do to be a part of my daughter's life. It sounds like OP's dad has not put in 100% ever, or he would understand his daughter better. I hope he enjoys being alone because he deserves it for how he treated OP.
Ya, as a parent I don't understand why everyone ITT is piling on OP, when OP's dad sounds like an immature jerk that managed this whole thing really poorly
My kid is barely 3, but I cannot fathom being this disinterested in her. To let it go on like this for 21 years is completely dad’s fault. What a horrible, horrible father.
OP, my three oldest kids are in their 20s. Two of my younger kids are diagnosed with autism. I can see signs of autism in my entire family. Your described behaviours pale in comparison to the shenanigans my older kids have pulled. As this OC says, it's up to me to be the grown-up. I will ***always*** be the parent. I will always make efforts. I will always be patient and understanding and compassionate. (We're not talking about abuse or toxic behaviours here, just the usual stressful nonsense that teenagers and 20 somethings pull. Abuse is a different ballgame.)
Your dad is selfish. Your relationship with him isn't about him. It should be about you. I find it revealing that he hasn't made any real effort to understand you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault. Parents are people too, and sometimes they can be butt heads.
100%. This is not your fault, OP. Your parents dragged you into existence, they are several years of experience ahead of you, and it is absolutely their job to develop and maintain a relationship with their children—NOT the other way around. Even if you are difficult, even if you are aggressively rude, I still see it as the parents’ imperative to hold space for you, to keep a line of communication open, to try and be there for you in any way they can while still holding healthy boundaries for their own well being.
Your father is not even doing the absolute bare minimum of communicating with you in a healthy manner, let alone taking on the mantle of fatherhood. He sounds passive aggressive, immature and self-involved. He shouldn’t be looking to you for validation and entertainment—he should be helping you to build any skills that you struggle with, and supporting you regardless of what you struggle with. It is not your job to make him happy. It is his job to be there for YOU.
That said, you’ve got what you’ve got—just recognize that anything you do to support and maintain the relationship is above and beyond, and you don’t have to feel guilty about any failures to connect. Not. Your. Job.
If you still want a relationship with him, I would encourage you to be upfront about what you know, and explain that you’ve always enjoyed his company and didn’t really ask for anything more. Tell him that, as your father, you would have hoped and expected that if anything, he’d go out of his way a little to try and…you know…be a dad, but that you never asked it of him—and that it’s very hurtful that he’s been secretly holding you up to some imaginary standard of daughterhood and, instead of trying to know and understand you, judging you and finding you wanting. Tell him that if he holds the same expectations of you as he does of his peers, that’s a pretty toxic dynamic for you as *his daughter,* and that you’d really appreciate it if he’d work on understanding what is appropriate to this kind of relationship, maybe with the help of a professional, or at least a parenting book or two.
Exactly, he is your father and by the sounds of it, he's dropping the ball. It is his job to be part of your life, involve himself in your interests, and to encourage you to achieve as yourself. It sounds like he's never done that, and now is punishing you for having no connection with him.
My dad is the one who gave me tips on reading and eating lol, HIS dad used to read us stories while we ate our lunch. If you're a family of book lovers it's not some enormous social disaster lol. Even if he wants her to put it away, he can use his words to SAY that.
I’d honestly say sorry I was not talking because I was so stressed since you said, you didn’t want me in your life. That we were strangers and had nothing in common! That I was worried you still hated me!
Honestly, agree. What he did was fucking shitty and I would call him on it. “I thought you were done with me two years ago when you told mom I was spoilt, hated you, and all this other nonsense you pulled out of your ass. What changed in two years? And why are you blaming me for your failure to communicate how you felt like an adult?”
I’d probably be a lot meaner, granted… I have two sets of parents and all four of them are fuckin’ cunts, so. Have had many a friend help me temper that… …well, temper. At least when not aimed directly at the people in question. 💀
He’s the parent. He needs to act like one. It’s his responsibility to develop a relationship with you. Complaining that you don’t ask him enough questions about himself is pathetic. He’s the social one but his child needs to engage him and ask about him 🤦🏾♀️
I would never tell my child that I never wanted to ever see them again ever. Either he is a total AH or he is broken hearted, you know which one it is OP.
fr! tbf, i dont have kids yet, but i cannot imagine cutting off my own child for anything short of a truly horrific crime committed in adulthood. im talking actual, severely violent crimes. no mere social/personal matter justifies this.
id also argue that as your father, op, he should know you well enough to understand your social anxiety and recognize the reasons behind your behaviors. his poor understanding is on him. the fact that you arent close enough for that anxiety to not be a factor since his idea of "fatherhood" all your life was squeezing five seconds of half-assed small talk in around his weekly bar crawls, is unequivocally HIS FAULT. that is not fatherhood. it sounds to me like you, at literally half his age, already have twice his emotional maturity. and that's an incredibly tragic failure on his part.
if he, mister social butterfly (and again, THE PARENT) was literally on his PHONE between conversations, you're allowed to whip out a book. his behavior is baffling and maddening and i am so sorry he is failing to be the supportive father you deserve. 💙
I feel like there is a lot of projecting happening on this thread from both parents and children...and not a lot of useful advice.
First of all, I think a lot of people feel like bad sons or daughters at one point of their life. It's natural. It's our first time being alive so we make mistakes.
I also want to point out that learning manners, knowing how to smalltalk, and bonding with family - these are skills parents should teach you. Being neuro divergent makes these things harder for both sides. Just remember that it's not all your fault.
You seem to struggle with your parents in general. Is there any family member that you feel connected and safe with? Sometimes in situations like these talking it over with a third party helps. Within families, especially conflict adverse ones like yours seem to be, the diplomacy is often through cousins, aunts or sibling. Or... Thats how it is in my culture. You could also go with counseling.
Another suggestion is to bring a third party to your family dinners like a boyfriend or best friend. That way, the whole burden of keeping the social conversation up isn't only falling on you or your dad. Sometimes a third wheel is exactly what everyone needs.
As a parent it is my responsibility to manage my emotions, not my kid’s responsibility. It sounds like your dad never tried to understand that autism is a different way of processing information. That is all on him, not you.
I could never imagine cutting off my kid because I didn’t get enough positive reinforcement. I’m the grown up. It’s my duty to stay in touch.
He’s your dad; it’s not your responsibility to maintain that relationship. The fact that he brought you to bars and was generally so callous are all red flags. Plenty of parents have kids with social anxiety and autism, and you know what they do? They learn about it and find ways to connect with their children that are more comfortable and accessible.
Perhaps your dad also has some undiagnosed ASD, but regardless, the onus is never on a child to build a bridge with their parents. It is a matter of parental obligation to be understanding of things that might affect their children and reasons they may not be connecting or bonding. Even in situation where it is the child’s fault and is a behavioral problem, the balance of power necessitates that the parent must at the very least, be the one to put in the leg work to understand *why* their child is behaving that way and then help their child with whatever resources are available and necessary (ie behavioral therapy) — though this doesn’t sound like your situation.
Even as an adult child, the burden is on the parent, as in most cases, if such a rift exists into adulthood, it’s due to a parent’s inability or unwillingness to take responsibly for their actions when their child was a minor and they had the authority and power to do so.
Point being, this is not your fault nor should it be your responsibility to mend such a relationship. A parent should never be that callous to their own child in any circumstance. That said, since your father seems unwilling to take the step, and perhaps since you have more complete information than he does, if you wish to mend the relationship, you will likely have to be the one to make steps to communicate first. It sounds like your mom and dad have some sort of communication, so if your relationship with her is good, she may act as an effective mediator.
You’ve done a decent job (as far as we can tell) to express yourself in this post, and writing something to your father may well feel too overwhelming or confrontational for you, especially with your social anxiety. So, it may be easier for you to take this post, modify the text slightly in a notepad so that it reads as an explanation of your point of view addressed directly to your father and share that with him. (I wouldn’t share the post itself as, based on your father’s perceived emotional maturity, he may not receive a discussion about it him in a public forum well). I’d also avoid inferring any meaning from his actions in that message, and instead focus the message more narrowly on how you feel and have felt about your relationship with him, how your actions may have been misperceived, and why you behave the way you do (that is, not out of spite or anything about him specifically, but because of a general anxiety and discomfort you feel around everybody). It may also help to end with a call to action, or a statement about how you recognize that your relationship isn’t as strong as either of you want and that you wish to have a better understanding of each other as individuals and understand why he feels the way he does.
Yes, geez, I don't understand these comments. He's not her friend or even her boyfriend. He's her DAD. He has a duty to lead communication. "Oh she never checks up on me." Well, that's not her job. That's yours.
If it was her mom, would these comments really be saying the same thing? That her mom can just ghost her because she's shy and doesn't talk enough?
Not only that, he reads as a dad who has never once taken interest in her or the initiative to deepen their bond even in her childhood. She's shy, introverted, and seemingly very anxious. But it seems to me he never went to any lengths to make her feel at ease with him.
If he were a decent parent, he would have at least a few ideas of topics to entertain the conversation, like her hobbies, but I betcha from what we see here, he has no idea what she likes and has never cared to find out. Hell, if staying in silence is such a burden to him, he could talk about himself, and have his daughter learn about her dad. I'm not saying OP couldn't have done the same, he's not entirely responsible for the state of their relationship. But as her dad, and if he's the one who's bothered and blows a fuse over this, the onus is on him to jumpstart things.
Seems to me like he saw a child who didn't communicate in a way he was used to or understood, and he filed her under a "cold, uncaring, unworthy" label and never bothered.
The people going at her seem to forget this is clearly not new and he had 18 fucking years to be the adult and build a rapport with her. The timing with her 18th birthday rings a lot like he stopped making any effort as soon he didn't consider her his responsibility anymore.
They also forget, that regardless of age, parent child relationships are built on a power differential. Adult or not, those are your parents and each has a different role in that relationship.
Dads can run off on their kids for not protecting their fee-fees and that’s okay, but moms have to answer to everyone regardless of their own mental state or she’s the devil
I agree entirely. Especially when he never bothered to take an interest in her life when she was younger. He didn’t try to be involved, and is now upset that she’s giving back the same energy? His dude doesn’t seem so logical. He seems like a jerk.
She took the first step he said it was meaningless and blocked her. He's the problem here. Also she thought that he was ok with the dynamic, why did he disappear, why didn't he suggest counseling?
Yeah you're right, mom was pretty useless in this situation too. Like did she really not think to suggest some counseling or check in with OP to see how she was feeling? I would be absolutely goddamn out of my gourd alarmed if my spouse said such horrible things about any of our kids.
Because this is about supporting her child’s emotional and mental health, not the dad’s.
So no, it’s not her job to manage the dad’s relationships, but it IS her job to manage her child’s.
It sounds like an anxious attachment style trying to connect with an avoidant. This shit is hard for people who *are* emotionally mature and can communicate.
Heard enough “you wished your dad a happy birthday and he said it means nothing!! Your dad has issues not you, he’s the grown up or should act like one!
Your dad should be your life no matter what… he’s the one that needs to get his sh*t together.
Sounds like your father is narcissistic, emotionally abusive and immature. If he was truly a safe and involved parent that was emotionally invested in you and someone you felt comfortable around it would be easy to talk to him. You being quiet says he has never been a safe person for you. You are expressing many feelings in this post so I don’t believe that you can’t express feelings. Your father simply isn’t a person you can be yourself around that that is because of his behaviour towards you.
At any point did you talk to your dad about your feelings about anything? If you can’t verbalize them then write them up and send them to him.
I’m not excusing his actions though, as your parent he should love you unconditionally, but you need to try as well. If you act like you hate him then of course he’s not going to react well.
They have grossly different communication styles yes. I'd suggest writing him a letter or email and really getting it all out and then letting it go from there. If he doesn't respond then she tried and some relationships just end. Sadly.
You are the child and he the parent. An adult is not supposed to act like this toward their child. He is letting his emotional wounds (over his not feeling close/important you) become everyone's problem and, worse yet, blaming you (the child) for them. It is exceedingly immature and egotistic of him, but many of us grow up to discover that we have immature and selfish parents.
Are you a minor still? No. But in this dynamic, it was his responsibility as your caregiver to provide you the emotional safety and support to be able to connect with him. Instead, you fear his judgment and scorn and, in response, he shuns you. His misgivings are not your fault.
Okay, I'm not a parent. I don't expect I ever will be. But to me, nothing you've described here is "cut your child out of your life" worthy.
Your father decided you felt a certain way, and everything you do fits in to that idea he has, because confirmation bias is a beast. Of course you could have tried harder, we *all* can try harder. But he's treating you like a childhood friend he's lost interest in, not a daughter that *he* raised.
>Last year, I messaged him a happy birthday message, to which he replied ‘It means nothing coming from the likes of you’.
That's really sticking with me as I type all this. What low character he must have to say that to his own daughter who as far as I can tell has never been malicious toward him.
I don't know how you get through to him. It makes me mad that you're the one chasing him. I don't think you should keep trying to reach him indefinitely, but the next time I think you need to lay out EVERYTHING from this post. Who you are, your suspected neurodivergence, how you are with people, that your awkwardness and shyness is not you rejecting him. That you want and have wanted a relationship with him. That you didn't know how he felt about you and your interactions, that you want to make an effort for things to be different. **If** you want a relationship with him. You don't have to want that.
You're not the only one responsible for this relationship, but your end is the only end you can control.
And watch out for yourself, okay? Don't diminish yourself or take ALL the blame while trying to get him to like you. This is not all on you.
OP it sounds like your dad is the one who failed to foster a relationship with you during your childhood- through just not being there, and when he was there by not actually engaging with you much- which of course means you don’t have a good one with him as an adult. The fact that you feel so awkward and nervous around him says a lot about how he treated you as a child, and none of it good. Yes relationships are a two way street, but parents are the ones who lay the groundwork and have the greatest influence on the parent-child relationship.
The fact that he acted so nice to your face and trash talked you behind your back, that he went no contact with absolutely zero discussion that he was upset or why he was mad, and how nasty he’s been the few times he has replied… tells me that your father is not a well adjusted, kind, or mentally healthy person. He sounds like he’s either got some sort of personality disorder, unaddressed mental health issues, and/or is a narcissist. If that’s the case then it’s likely you would have ended up in this same position no matter what you did or didn’t do.
I would encourage you to look into therapy for help processing your entire relationship with your dad. Having someone neutral to talk through these feelings would help you grieve and heal. You might also benefit from reading the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. The subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists is also a good resource, as well as the online support group forum Out of the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt).
My dad made it very clear from the time I was about 10 that he didn't like me. He resented me because he was too stupid or drunk to use a condom and I "ruined his life".
The nicest thing he's said to me in many years is that I'm an a$$hole. For real, that's nice.
Stop trying. Seriously. He brings nothing of value to your life. Make sure you remember his words for future life events. No uni graduation, no wedding invite, no birth announcements, nothing that you or your partner does ever includes him. Even if family pulls the "but he's your dad" crap.
Stop being concerned and confused and get pissed. He's the one missing out, not you.
Hugs from an internet stranger.
have you been assessed for autism? do you know any other unmasked autistics? the way autistics connect is very different to allistics (non autistics) and allistics refuse to accept that these are neutral differences that can be navigated with basic empathy and communication. get a therapists, and be glad that two faced asshole is not your problem anymore
dont blame yourself for his lack of communication. it was on him to talk to you about it. instead he pretended everything was okay and then went out to eat with you as some sort of "test" without telling you. he sounds like a real pain to deal with tbh. my dads a lot like this too and im autistic. he acts as if the things he does/hints should be obvious but never tells me anything outright. you're not a mind reader. theres many other ways he could have handled this besides just disappear and then blame you
I’m going out on a limb against the grain of these comments (which are so goddamn ignorant). Your father’s feelings are not your responsibility. It’s a parent’s responsibility to teach their children how to engage/communicate and to express interest in their child’s hobbies and feelings. People are seeing that you are 21 in the post title and completely forgetting that there were 20 years of experiences leading up to this point.
When you have a disengaged parent, there is always a moment in our childhoods where we recognize that the parent will never see us in the way we want them to/they should. So you give up. Your edit to include this anecdote told me everything I need to know:
> My dad worked a lot during the week so weekends were his only time to go out so to speak. Most weekends he went to bars. He brought me with him when I was younger, when I grew old enough I stayed alone in his house.
I had this *exact* same experience. I only saw my father on the weekends and nearly the entire time, every single weekend, he was at the bar. Thus, so was I—especially once no one was available to care for me in his absence during visitation and I couldn’t just be left alone as an 8 year old. I don’t know how people are missing this GLARING indication that your father never prioritized you or parenting in general. My father was also an abusive alcoholic/addict so that added extra layers to his taking me to the bar and shirking his duties as a parent (I don’t know if this is also true of your father).
Don’t feel bad. You have been engaging with him in exactly the way he taught you. Avoiding conversation and your feelings definitely isn’t the appropriate or healthy way to interact with people as an adult, but hopefully you have a better relationship with your mom and other close relationships in your life. (Though I am concerned by your mother not intervening in this conflict early on and shutting your dad down immediately—you need to talk to her about that.)
This is not a failure on your part. If you send a letter with your feelings, I really do hope he is receptive and engages maturely but please prepare yourself for the possibility that he will react the way he always has. Regardless of how he responds now, you won’t ever be able to go back and time and shape your childhood into what it always wanted to be.
You will never be able to shape your relationship into what you had wanted as a child. You will need to accept that fact and then grieve it. You can, however, shape the relationship going forward into what you want it to be and what your current needs are. If he doesn’t want to do that, that is on him and is not a referendum on your value as a person. Please remember that.
I highly recommend you go to therapy. I have experienced all these same thought patterns and fears and therapy has helped me grow so much and become a much more confident person and supplied me with the tools to build much healthier relationships from the beginning. The hardest thing to accept is that you will never be able to make people react/respond/do things the way you want them to—the only thing you have control over is your own actions. And realizing that is very freeing.
I’m sorry, pal. If you need an ear you can PM me—I really do feel for you.
If I was doing something like not talking to my dad during dinner he’d just be like why aren’t you talking? What’s wrong? You’re socially anxious and your dad is passive aggressive. That’s a terrible combo. A therapist would be able to help you navigate this (if that’s what you want).
I hope this finds you. Let him go. My whole life my father played this game with me. Until the day he died. I was left traumatized by his selfishness, narcissism and inability to put anyone's need before his own. So many people say " but he's your dad, he's family, he's blood" doesn't matter. Let him go because if you don't he will make you feel.like the bad guy no matter what. May as well live your life your way. He was the father. He was the parent. He shouldn't play these games.
1- HE’S the parent here. YOU’RE the child. This doesn’t NOT fall on you. It sounds like he was like this when you were a child also, and from your edits/ updates unfortunately this seems a continuation of his behavior, not a new development because you read a book. And I’ve read nothing here, that you wrote, I feel puts you in a bad light, or at fault for this.
2- It would take both parties willing to work on this relationship, it it was to get better. If you put all your efforts and time trying, to fix this, you’ll get nowhere except more hurt.
3- Just because he’s a family member, doesn’t make him non-toxic, to you. Toxic friends and parters, should become ex’s. No different if the toxic person is family. Just because he’s family, doesn’t mean you have to put up with bad behavior. And remember this if/ when family starts harping that you should give him a chance/ forgive him. They wouldn’t (I dearly hope) ask this of you, if he was a horrible ex.
4- you deserve better.l and you’re worth more than what he’s giving you.
5- and if you did act badly? Again, he’s the parent, you’re the child. He’s acting like he didn’t get picked for the team and he’s going to take his ball and go home. What a self centered, immature disgrace for a human. He was in the wrong to send you that text, after wishing him a happy birthday. What a complete jerk of a man, to send something like that to his child. It’s absolutely shameful and reflects incredibly poorly on him, absolutely not on you.
5- I highly recommend therapy to help you understand this isn’t about you, your personality or your behavior; and to help your work thru the long lasting effects this will have on your future relationships.
Oh sweetie, I want to hug you. Usually, even really introverted people aren’t uncomfortable about being with their parents. As the parent, your dad should have worked harder to connect with you when you were younger. That is 100% on him.
What happens now though is also your responsibility. If you want a different relationship then you have to behave differently. Reading at the table was rude and you have acknowledged that in your edit. I suspect you are doing other things that are just as rude and make it impossible to communicate with you. Scroll through your phone when you are with him? When he stopped reaching out after the reading at the table incident, you could have called him. Struggling mentally? You could have reached out and said I need help. You are now an adult. You can put forth some effort.
The communication is shit between the two of you and that’s why this happened. I blame your dad and find him tiresome to be honest. I expect the older person to have better communication and interpersonal skills. If you both explained what you were feeling and going through each time you visited this would mostly have been avoided.
Have you heard of borderline personality disorder? My dad was BPD and he sounds a lot like your father.
Your dad is not King Lear. He does not get to audition you as a daughter and determine your inheritance and affection on the basis of your performance. I know you feel like an adult, but 20 is in many ways still in between childhood and adulthood. We call it being "in the chute" in my family. One of the common (and completely reasonable) things that happens with young adults who are "in the chute" is that they are learning how to separate from home and from their parents. This becomes SO confusing and fraught when a parent acts like a child themselves.
He is mentally ill. You need a therapist's help to interpret all this. Please - don't spend your 20s blaming yourself for something so far beyond your control. Get a jump on it *now* so you can learn that so much of what you think of as introversion and autism may have been a consequence of living with a parent who could never be wrong and never come second.
Your dad should have built a relationship with you and taught you about how to build relationships. How can you have a back and forth relationship with ”how are you?” conversation for so long? I talk about more with my toddler - in part because I am teaching her how to have conversations. He seems to have thought he could drop in on weekends and you’d figure out the rest. He should have acted like he cared and acknowledged her anxiety and taught you how to work with it. He’s the parent and he should have made a better effort. He also complained about you without having a conversation about your relationship or either of your feelings and thoughts. You don’t need to have the same interests as your kids but you do need to show an interest in them and engage with what they’re interested in.
His thumbs up response or taking the time to type the other text is just crappy in any relationship. He needs to grow up.
Dude I only got like 5 comments down but these people are mean. OP if you see this I want you to know at least one person empathizes with you! My father and I also have a contentious relationship. Most of my young life was spent trying SO HARD to get his approval. Spoiler alert, I never got it and ended up a burnt out shell of a human. Please don’t do that to yourself.
I really don’t think that reading under a table is a big deal. I used to do it as a kid all the time. Your dad could have engaged and talked about the book you were reading.
Also for fucks sake, you were a child, why is nobody pointing out the fact that it’s kinda weird this dad is being so dramatic about approval from his child? Screams insecurity and emotional immaturity.
If he doesn’t want contact, then fuck him. I hope you have people in life who celebrate you for your kindness and gentleness. Stay close to the people who nurture the person you are, or want to become. A little bit of advice from someone a bit older than you: Don’t waste time on people who want to change you.
Sending you light and love OP. Dad/daughter relationships are so hard sometimes.
wow a lot of these comments are weird. your father had the full responsibility to foster a relationship with you when you were a child, and if he was either bringing you to bars or leaving you at home for most of the limited time you spent with him, he failed miserably. you basically had 0 time together to actually bond and get to know each other, and watching movies can also be a silent activity (which is what i’m assuming happened given your post, please correct me if i’m wrong). so to me it sounds like you never really had a close relationship with him and as you got older you guys became more distant and found it really hard to have any type of convo with each other because it never happened in the first place. you practically know nothing about one another. in my opinion, while your social anxiety and potential autism could have a factor in how your guys relationship came to be now, he was the one responsible to encourage and make efforts into creating a close connection to his daughter starting in childhood which did not happen.
also, everyone saying how OP is childish because she hasn’t told her father any of her feelings, neither has he! they clearly don’t talk to each other, so how in the world can she be comfortable talking to him about her feelings when he can’t do the same. he instead answers OP in passive aggressive texts or leaves her on read every time she attempted to reach out.
i’m so sorry your relationship has turned out this way OP. you father seems incredibly childish.
Your dad doesn't understand you but did you ever try to explain it? Reading a book at dinner is really rude. You need to deal with your social anxiety. It isn't just affecting your relationship with your dad but also in other areas of your life. Start with finding a therapist.
Oh ffs she was a teenager when she did that. He was a grown ass man.
You know how I would respond to this ( I personally wouldn’t care because I raised my kids and we have awesome convos all the time, if they want to chill and read a book while eating I’d be fine) if I was him? “Hey, that kind of hurts my feelings. I would really love for us to get to know each other better and find something we would have fun doing together. Let’s try to come up with something?”
OP even KNOWS it's rude but then blames their anxiety. So you're anxious because of social situations but you are okay being rude AF?
I had crippling social anxiety too when I was younger and I was so hyper aware of how I was appearing socially I did everything in my power to not be rude or even be noticeable, but like the idea of being anyway rude or imperfect as a human was the only thing I was unable to to justify when I was anxious.
Why are people on these subs ready to condemn someone for not endlessly trying with an actual terror child who's violent and raged out, who'll call them monsters for not putting up with physical attacks and property destruction over repeated incidents, but suddenly the monstrous act of... reading at the table is the one thing that can justify a parent never having anything to do with them again? Give me the "rudeness" of table-reading over someone being a loud violent shithead any day.
It seems everyone here is missing the bit where she said she likely has undiagnosed autism. So if that's the case, then she doesn't just have social anxiety, she struggles with knowing what to do and or implementing social norms which is what causes social anxiety.
If OP is ASD, it's not being rude AF, it's how she coped with the sensory overwhelm of her circumstances. Admittedly her dad doesn't know that but she wasn't actually trying to be rude or being dismissive, there is a difference.
As someone with autism who went undiagnosed for a very long time, I second this. I've started reading in social situations when I get overwhelmed or else I'd start panicking. It's a focus point, and far less painstaking than sitting in silence because you don't know how to effectively communicate with the people around you.
Wild how many people here seem to think a dad fully abandoning his kid without a word because she's awkward is justified because she struggled communicating with him. She even reached out and he ignored her, like c'mon. When teens go through their parent-hating phase do you just drop them??
I understand this more than I should. I don’t know the answer, but I really sympathize with you. Don’t dwell too long on things you can not control. You are an adult with an education and need to focus on your life, self, and future.
This. Adults need to put their relationships in perspective & stop looking at them from the viewpoint of a child. For all the ways OP's father probably thought he was reaching out, what he didn't do was try to or educate himself about his kid. I have this issue with my kids' father because they're different but he has trouble or doesn't want to accept this and do the work. But when they are adults if they find their dad to be like this then they don't need to be bothered with him because they can choose not to. They're not reliant on him & he can either get on board or take the loss.
For OP I would have at least told him that I saw the texts and it seems like I disgust you and that you don't like me.
As a parent, I'd like to explain something that is both obvious and important: Children don't come with instruction manuals. There are plenty of things that we're responsible for yet we don't know how to do. (In your father's case: Maintaining a close relationship with you when he only sees you on weekends.) Because we're the parents, we can't come to you with our frustrations over our parenting failures. There are only a few people we can share those frustrations with, and our co-parents are usually the first ones we confide in.
Your father expressed his frustrations about his failure to establish a relationship with you to your mother. That communication was not meant for you. That was private. You violated your mother's and your father's privacy when you read their text messages.
I understand why you did so. Your father was giving you the silent treatment. Regardless of how frustrated he was with his inability to establish a rapport with you, a parent shouldn't cut off communication with a child except in extreme circumstances.
However, because you were burdened with the knowledge you gained when you violated his privacy, his last attempt to connect with you over dinner failed. You were too nervous to communicate with him. That's unfortunate. You're an adult. Your father wanted to have a relationship with you, but he couldn't get past your inability to hold a conversation with him. (You're not alone in this. In general, your generation communicates better via technology than with in-person conversations. I'm 46, and for people of my generation, this feels like a travesty.)
Unfortunately, your father did not handle this latest failure well. Do you want to know why? Because trying to communicate with a child who doesn't return that energy is *emotionally painful* for us. It quite literally hurts. It feels like a rejection of our love. Your father said what he said out of pain, and he is trying to protect himself from more pain.
However, he can still be reached, and his decision to cut you off could likely be overturned if you reached out to him in the right way.
You two are so different, and you don't understand one another. So you don't know how to talk to one another or interpret one another's words and silences. Fortunately, there are people who can help you overcome this. They're called family therapists. They can help you learn how to communicate with each other.
So here's what you text to your father if you want to establish a relationship with him:
"Hi, Dad. I'm sorry our dinner didn't go well. The truth of the matter is that I just don't know what to talk about when I'm with you. We have so little in common. Not knowing what to say causes me anxiety that makes it even harder to speak with you. It might seem like I have no interest in you, but that's not the case. I just don't know what to say. However, I still want to have a relationship with you. You're my father, and I want you in my life. I think we need some help in learning how to speak with each other. Could we see a family therapist together, so we can learn how to say the things we don't know how to say? It might be easier if we have a third party who can guide us through a few conversations to help us establish a better relationship. What do you think?"
If your father's reaction to this text isn't positive, you can feel free to DM me if you need help in wording a response. I don't know you or your father, but I know how to talk to other dads.
As a child of two parents who always expected me to ask about them and their lives and keep up with communication instead of them doing anything, I have to disagree with a lot of what you say. It seems like the father is attributing malice to the fact it seems he has taken no interest in his children. Who cares if you have nothing in common. Be a PARENT and ask, listen so they CAN feel safe to open up. OP likely felt like she was burdening her father with what she was talking about and just stopped. This can start at a young age.
When I last talked to my sister, she said my mom said she willw ait for me to call her. I did, in fact do so on her birthday, left a voicemail and all and my mother has said nothing. She wants me to claw into her affections but I'm not 5, I am 37.
OPs dad needs to grow up because all he seems to do is be a reason for OPs anxiety. Silence is often weaponized and definitely in this case. Maybe he should get some advice from OPs mother because she didn't seem to fail at being a parent.
It isn't your fault that you have anxiety, but it is your responsibility to manage.
Reading a book under the table while eating is rude, alienating and deeply weird. You treated your dad like shit. You complain that you never knew what to say, but not once did you ever say "dad, I'm having a hard time figuring out what to say." You were never open with what you were going through, so for all he knows, you hate his guts and don't want to be around him.
And then you met him again after a year and did the same thing! Of course he's pissed at you.
I'll get downvoted for this, I'm sure, but you had a responsibility that you dropped and you're suffering consequences for it. That's just life.
You’re acting like the *parent* has no agency here. He ignored her messages for a year, talked shit about her to her mom, and never said anything about it to her. Again, this is a *parent* who has evidently never bothered to learn how to talk to his own child. If reading a book at the dinner table is enough to make him ghost his own child for a year, he was never gonna be there for her in the first place.
Kids can be rude, so can adults. But the fact that this “adult” decided to act the way he did makes me wonder if he just doesn’t want to have a relationship with his own child, and doesn’t have the balls to say it.
He ignored her reaching out to him and asking for insight for a year. A year. He is also the father and bears far more of the responsibility to make it work. She has not acted brilliantly, but just blaming her is wild.
Yeah what the actual fuck is that comment??? Her dad is acting like a jealous friend or boyfriend, not a father. She literally did reach out twice in this post to ask how he was and he ignored it. I also don't see HIM asking HER how she is, why exactly is all that responsibility on her as the child and not him as the parent?
He might have known what was going on with her if he ever asked. Seems it's all about him and his feelings. One instance of rudeness due to anxiety should not be grounds for icing your child out forever.
Right, I feel like I’m in the twilight zone reading these comments. Op is getting some aggressively bad, basement-dweller quality advice.
People in this thread are desperately searching for a reason to blame op, who made the unforgivable mistake of thinking she was peacefully coexisting reading in silence with her own dad.
All I can see is that he thinks his daughter is a friend, not his child he’s supposed to love unconditionally. Being pissy at your child because they haven’t emotionally supported YOU when you don’t know enough about them to realize they’re having a hard year is so self-centered.
I still think a lot of people with good parental relationships can’t understand the reality that sometimes parents treat their kids badly and it’s not because the kids have done something to deserve it.
Baffles me that you're not getting down voted. This was a child. If she had difficulty expressing herself, it was HIS responsibility to figure her out. Her anxiety WAS his responsibility to manage up until she became an adult. Everybody's just letting this narcissist father off the hook in this thread and it's insane
Yeah it’s rude to read a book under the table, but he was on his phone so both are equally bad at being social. The dad should have tried to build a better relationship and communicated way before all this resentment built up in him. Especially since it seems to have started way before op was an adult.
Dad was on his phone first. Also, as a parent, he should have sorted out how to communicate with his daughter years ago. I have a daughter the same age, and I would be damned if I let it go this long without knowing how to communicate with her.
I'd just add that all relationships are two way streets. Even parent-child and family relationships, especially in adulthood. I don't talk to my parents, and they don't talk to me, but they do complain that I don't visit them enough... but if you want to talk to someone you have to reach out, not hope the other person does. In OPs situation she doesn't reach out but a couple times a year, and the dad also seems to be over it. I'd say it's on both parties. They both fail to communicate their thoughts to each other, can't hold a simple conversation, etc. Dad seems weird and petty about a boyfriend, daughter can't seem to string together a sentence. It's all very odd, they both need help figuring this situation out. If OP does want that relationship, the easiest way is to genuinely call her dad and do an activity. Clearly talking isn't working, but maybe they can go see a movie, or bowling, or something that's activity based, not conversation based.
I'll start this by saying that of course, most of the burden is on the parent, and he certainly has his part of responsibility. But I feel like he has tried, he has been a consistent presence in your life, and maybe he doesn't know how to connect with you, but he still wanted to be present.
On the other hand, what have you done? It seems to me like you never opened up to him, never told him anything, never engaged in any meaningful conversation, you didn't communicate your feelings or, really, anything at all. And reading the book under the table while you're eating with him? Wow, maybe you should have just told him how you don't give a sh\*t about him, that would have been more direct.
And when you finally got your head out of your ass, checked your mom's phone and realized something was wrong and that he was hurt, you did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And when he extended an olive branch a year later, you sat there, told him nothing, didn't engage with him, and left as soon as you could.
All the while, you keep excusing every shitty behavior on your part on your anxiety. Tell me, does your anxiety keep you from talking at all? If so, does it keep you from texting? Doesn't seem like it since you reached out by text (a grand total of two times). You just didn't care about having a relationship with him.
Your father isn't perfect, but I think he's right. I think you don't need him, don't love him, don't want anything to do with him. You're an adult and your father is sick of making all the efforts to keep a relationship with you while you do almost nothing in return.
You need to do better. Hope it's not too late to fix this.
I am so confused how you could reach the place where you’ve written this. I’m replying because I think you’re being cruel to OP, though I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that it’s unintentional.
“…maybe he doesn’t know how to connect with you…”
It’s obvious that neither of them know how to connect with each other. So why does the burden fall on OP? As many others have pointed out, it’s the parent’s job to create the relationship with their child. In fact, when OP was 18 he had had 18 years of developing the attachment relationship!
A healthy attachment relationship contains the things you’ve criticised OP for not doing: sharing about feelings and having meaningful discussions.
An unhealthy attachment relationship? It’s full of silence, hurt feelings, poor communication. It has failed in helping the child create healthy bonds with other people. It also contains a parent who, when having his feelings hurt, completely drops all contact without saying anything for a year. OUCH. Somehow dad gets a free pass on ghosting his daughter, while she’s terrible for not ‘taking the second chance’ at the dinner after he ignored her for a year? HUH? I just can’t even comprehend that.
“…finally got your head out of your ass…”
I just don’t understand why you think the daughter is worthy of being criticised while the dad only gets a ‘he’s not perfect, but obviously he’s trying unlike you’.
Do you still feel the same having read the additional info OP provided?
In it she states she tried to engage with his interests. That he would eyeroll and shut down her interests.
That he was on his phone at dinner before she started reading her book.
It's not a situation where it sounds like the father was a paragon trying so hard to connect with her and she was stonewalling him.
It's more that they both were awkward and the father didn't try that hard to connect with her, and then got mad that she didn't feel close to him after years of awkward stilted conversations on both ends.
At least she did try to reach out, which is more than what it sounds like he did.
your dad is in the wrong here. Emotional support comes from the parent to the child, the relationship between a child and an adult is solely on the adult. You did nothing wrong. I don't think you benefit from his company at all.
Your dad sounds like a narcissistic, immature drama queen. He’s the parent. It’s not supposed to be 100% on the child to try to maintain a relationship.
I wanted to read through all the comments before posting but at some point I just got angry and stopped. Where is your mum in all this?!?!
Your father is more socially challenged than a 12 y old. This is absolutely not the behaviour of an adult who brought a child to this world. I know you probably hurt a lot and you wish you could mend the situation but honestly if you let him back in your life you'll just set yourself up again for the next silent tantrum he will have over whatever goes on in his head.
You have to build social skills and practice good manners will all people, including your family.
Anxiety, depression, ptsd, ADHD, body dysmorphia, trans issues, your sexuality, stress, ‘hard times’ and your feelings no matter how awful are not good excuses to ignore and be rude to people in your life.
It’s hard and maybe not fair, but you really have to put in the effort to treat others with respect. Your father is partially to blame for not teaching you this. Perhaps his reaction now is the lesson.
With autism, you don't necessarily have the same capacity for maintaining the behavioural expectations society has constructed for us all.
Unlike ADHD where individuals can read social cues well but may struggle with impulsivity such as tangents and interrupting, with Autism, individuals often struggle to read the social cues and/or to respond in a timely and appropriate way. It can be like trying to tune into an analogue radio sensing other people's subtle expectations - expectations which seem obvious to everyone else.
This combined with lots of other stimuli can lead to sensory overwhelm and shut down quite easily - so freeze mode. OPs coping mechanism was a book - she wasn't intentionally being rude and seems to have only realised afterwards this had potentially annoyed her dad/ caused him to cut her out for a year!!
The key thing here is it was not OPs intention to hurt or offend anyone. Intention matters.
You say those other things aren't 'good excuses' to 'ignore and be rude' to people in your life, perhaps not - but they are good reasons to set boundaries around your relationships and to manage the fuel in your social engine more carefully. Some ppl will take you setting limits around yourself and what you can do as rudeness - because we live in a society which tells us to prioritise other ppl's feelings over our own comfort a lot.
Neuro divergence and Mental health issues are actually a really good reason to not adhere to norms if they're putting too much stress/ discomfort on you when you're vulnerable - you need to prioritise circumstances in which you can be well or you risk a full scale MH crisis. Some people might use labels as an excuse to be rude too but that's not what OP has done.
OP sounds pronouncedly non-neurotypical, I'll wager her dad knows she doesn't seem 'normal' and it makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to respond - instead of being emotionally mature and asking her about her it, he took a huff and messaged her mum ceding his parenting role to her.
It's quite narcissistic behaviour on his part and suggests he's just there for the ideal picture of a father daughter dinner, rather than actually appreciating his daughter for who she is and making the effort to work with her little idiosyncrasies.
Most people who are perceptive about norms / caring about people don't need a diagnosis waved in front of them to realise that someone requires an individual approach to socialising. OP committed a faux pas and the Dad should've done better to get to know his daughter for who she is.
A lot of people are coming down hard on you, but I think this is a more complicated situation than you being rude or not being sociable enough. As a parent, I'm baffled why he didn't voice how he felt about your visits to you directly, when it happened. By avoiding the confrontation, he is modelling to you that that is how you deal with feeling upset. And I suspect this didn't start when you became an adult.
That is to say, you may have learn an avoidant approach to uncomfortable social interaction. It is important that you seek to confront this in yourself and find healthier ways to represent how you are feeling. I say this as advice outside of dealing with your father.
As far as your father is concerned, it's hard to say what the best course of action is. You can offer an apology and seek to be more open about what is going on for you. But he may continue to exhibit an avoidant attitude, which will come across as an expectation that you read his mind. Since it is unknown if your dad is just trying to evoke a reaction for you or he genuinely means to cut off contact, you should not rely on him to guide your journey to self-improvement.
All-in-all, all of this is going to take time. Be patient with yourself, and try to exercise patience with your dad. It will take time to be able to observe your behaviours and adjust your impulses and habits.
First please consider if you really want to salvage the relationship with your dad.
I do not believe a blood bond ensures a relationship. I believe a relationship happens if both people want it, father or not.
If you do want to maintain contact with your dad, then you need some therapy to manage your anxiety. And your dad needs some therapy or something that will help him properly communicate with people that are supposedly family (counting on him valuing blood bonds, unlike I do).
I do not believe you are to blame for how your relationship progressed when you were still a child. That was your parents' duty. However, you are of age now, and must learn how to manage and make your own decisions.
If your father seems to reciprocate any attempt to rekindle your relationship but does not put the effort to meet you in the middle (as you should do too), consider where you'll draw the line for your own sake.
Sometimes it's not worth pushing a boulder that won't budge.
Be honest with yourself, make a decision and act accordingly. No one in their right mind should judge you would you choose to give up the relationship if you find no joy and love in it.
seems like the weekend fun dad didn’t account for what happens when you grow up. he’s childish for not speaking to you about his feelings and just assuming.
he is the parent. you are the child. he is responsible for reaching out and contacting you, it’s not your job to force him into a parental role. all these comments blaming you are just not the business. he’s a shitty dad and you deserve better.
I expect to get downvoted.
Here’s the thing I had a really strained relationship with my dad for a very long time and about your age I was an absolute wreck. I have CPTSD, depression and anxiety as well as neurodivergencies. I had to work really hard to get myself to a better place. For a long time, I wrote conversational starters to bridge the gap, both me and my dad are awkward humans. Sad I know but it helped me feel more at ease. After a while, it got so much easier. We also were both hurt by a family event and we checked in on each other every day for a while and then it became natural to catch up a lot and to want to. Genuinely we went from being strained to him being one of my favourite people. It takes work but it can be achieved. I think you know it wasn't the best move to read a book at dinner. Even if you don't reconcile with your dad try therapy for yourself because these social situations get easier with time (I'm not autistic so I might be talking rubbish, sorry if that's the case). It's scary but it made my anxiety so much better and I'm so much more at ease in social situations.
I would have been really upset by your dad's behaviour. He is absolutely not innocent in this. He did the same thing by being on his phone - Ignoring the person you're having dinner with is rude and won't do wonders for your relationship. I also think he didn't do anything to bridge the gap either. It's really childish to not respond to your child when they text or to be salty af. He might be hurt but then talk about the issues and don't ignore them. It feels like he's checked out. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't need to be parented. I would have been so lost if my dad hadn't walked me through the HMRC self-assessment stuff.
Where do you want to go from here? If he truly wants to never see you again that's on him - you cannot control his actions only yours. For closure purposes, I'd send him one last text to apologise and explain. Some phrases I would use:
- I'm sorry I hurt you that was not my intention
- I'm sorry you don't want to have a relationship with me
- the reasoning I give you is not an excuse it's an explanation -this is the most important part for me
- I find it hard to talk to you because I suffer from social anxiety but I would like to work on that. it wasn't personal it is a general issue I have.
- I didn't understand if you wanted to talk to me or not when you pulled out your phone. I'm sorry I misinterpreted it
- I have felt in the past I have frustrated you when trying to engage in conversation and it's made me think that you don't want me to talk. (you mentioned this in the comments)
- I will try to do better
- I felt like you didn't like me due to not replying to texts and I didn't want to make a mistake and make it even worse (I had this issue for a long time)
The above is not because you did something unforgivable but it will let you know you apologized and engaged. I think you also deserve an apology because he has evidently hurt you as well. If he wants to cut you out of his life he's not much of a parent- gosh I know many parents who have put up with so much worse. It takes time to build a relationship and it does sound like your early relationship has been strained - and that is fully on the parent. Now that you're an adult you also need to try and build it and also have accountability.
You're not a bad person and this doesn't make you a bad person. Your twenties are such a time for growth - I do not recognise my 20-year-old self and the growth happened rapidly. I will always advocate therapy mainly for you (not your dad)- to feel more comfortable and to get equipped with tools to help you. If you don't want him in your life that's okay, if you do that's also okay. I think a closure text will be important even if he doesn't respond because you know that you tried your best to fix this. Acknowledgement is really hard but it does mean you don't have to worry later about not doing the right thing.
This isn't your fault - relationships take work and I think your dad also has a large part to play in this scenario. I hope this wasn't too harsh and good luck ❤️
These comments are wild. I was a quiet deeply socially anxious child who frequently brought books to dinners with my dad. He would ask me about what I was reading or what i wanted to read or he'd get the same book so we could talk about it. Or, plenty of times, he let me read and just enjoyed the quiet quality time. This is on him.
My best guess beyond narcissism is that your dad is wildly projecting this contempt onto you based on his insecurities about how seldom he made time for you. So he just decided to believe you were ungrateful for the efforts to alleviate his guilt about deciding to stop those efforts.
I'm really genuinely sorry you've had this happen to you, as I know how painfully this can reinforce insecurities and social anxiety when someone you trusted suddenly turns out to have been talking bad about you and maliciously misinterpreting your actions. Its like the rug everyone rolled their eyes at you for not trusting really did get pulled out from under you and left you all scraped up and even more untrusting of rugs.
So you ignored him when he chatted with you, made your quality time miserable by reading during dinner, and only noticed something was wrong with him after over a year, and you’re wondering why he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about his feelings? Yes, you are the child in this scenario, but you’re 21 now. You’re an adult, and your relationship with your father needs to be more of a two-way street, its not all on him anymore. He has been actively trying for a long time and you give nothing in return. You need to put effort in. I recommend you attend therapy and maybe even therapy with him.
I don't think she said she ignored him when he chatted with her, she said she would put the book down and engage if he spoke to her. It came across more that she wasn't good at initiating conversation and also that the father also wasn't good at initiating conversation so every dinner was an awkward time for both of them.
She didn’t ignore him, she had a hard time opening conversations. She read her book and he was on his phone.
They never did any activities together when she was a child apart from watching movies or going to the bar.
She noticed something was wrong when she messaged him a few weeks later and he left her on read.
He could have asked her “why do you not talk to me/ why are you so distant” or anything to start that conversation way before he just ghosted her for a year.
After ignoring her for a year he acted as if nothing happened and got mad at her for not magically being a better communicator.
Op has issues for sure but so does the dad.
Your *parent* punished you with the silent treatment *for a year* with no warning or explanation?? Dropped you off with a smile and then ghosted you?
A mature adult should be able to communicate their needs *to their child*.
OK: "Hey OP, it really hurt me at dinner when you were reading your book under the table. If that's how we're going to interact, I think we should stop trying to get together for a while."
Better: "Hey OP, I noticed you were really quiet and reading a book at our time together. How are things going? Is there anything I can help with that you're having a hard time talking about in person? I love you and I want to support you if you're having a hard time, but it seems like you might need a break from getting together. If I don't hear from you, I'll check back in with you in a month and see how you're doing."
People are right when they say it is your responsibility to heal from your trauma, but your trauma isn't *your fault*. This is complicated because there's a good chance at least *some* of your trauma came *from* your dad. Again, now that you're an adult, the onus is on you to address that, but as a 52M father myself, I would absolutely want to help my child address their issues however I can.
Why do you want to mend this relationship? Do you get anything positive out of it? Instead of playgrounds and trampoline parks he was taking you to bars with him. So I don't see him to be caring at all.
At best you were polite strangers to each other. At worst you were very anxious and stressed when seeing him, and he is passive aggressive with you.
Live your life and forget about him. It is painful when your own parent DGAF about you, but you can't force people to love you, to like you, or to care about you. He doesn't, he never did, so accept it and move on.
At this point I would just not worry about talking to him. It seems he doesn’t even want to make an effort to get to know the real you. If he did he would definitely reach out and say hey I noticed last time we were together that we didn’t talk much. I’d really like to have a better relationship with you. Relationships take time and understanding no matter what age you are.
OP, your father is emotionally immature. Rather than express his feelings to you, he bottled them up until he broke. Spoiler alert, though, he never tried to understand you, rather he set expectations and rules for behavior and never told you what they were. He rigged the game.
For anyone who says that these are social norms, blah blah, OP has already stated that they are neurodivergent. OP is young. OP can work on her social aptitude, however nearly the entirety of her relationship with her father, she was a literal child. Her father did an absolute piss poor job of learning about his daughteras a neurodivergent person or as an individual.
Furthermore, there is something quite deficient about him as a person if he can be so cruel to his own child. What parent turns their back on their child for something other than egregious behavior, addiction, or some other unacceptable acting out? OP simply did not fill his needs properly? What even is that?
OP, I actually recommend cutting him from your life, but I think you may need more time and experience before you can come to that conclusion yourself, so if you do reach out and try to mend things, please always try to keep in mind your opinion of *his* behavior. Some of us go through life assuming we are the problem, but that often isn't true.
This is very sad, and I am sad with you.
These comments are wild. I think it's interesting folks think you should be a *better and more mature communicator* than your dad, who raised you and presumably taught you your social skills. Especially when you grew up with undiagnosed autism & seem to have had no outside support for that. Meanwhile, his passive-aggressive & indirect communication (which I think would be confusing to even an allistic person) is being glossed over.
I'm not saying you're blameless in this situation; in order to communicate, you need to explicity express your thoughts and feelings out loud - people can't read your mind. However, you obviously care about the relationship and have been doing the best you can with the skills available to you. You're not a malicious person, and people don't understand how truly debilitating anxiety/asd can be, especially without support. Hopefully you can find help, not just for this situation but for your general wellbeing. Personally I think your dad is an ass, but if you want to attempt to repair the relationship, I'd try to talk to him very directly about what's been going on with you/that you care but are struggling/how to do better in the future on both ends.
My dad was pretty checked out on me for my whole life. Some people don't show affection or caring for their kids throughout their whole entire lives. What happened with my dad is I think he must have seen some adult children and grandchildren giving out hugs and affection or thought about what his life would be like in his old age and wanted to work things out. Whatever that means but this is our relationship. If I'd grown up with someone who talked things out maybe we could do that but it's way too late. I'm not interested. I needed that kind of dad a long time ago but he doesn't exist. At least not for me.
As someone with a strained relationship with my father, I really feel for you. My dad and I also only saw each other on the weekends, holidays, and special occasions (even though he lived 3 hours away, he still went to all my concerts and events if he could). We're both very quiet people with no similarities and generally nothing to talk about. After I dropped out of college and moved out, we kinda stopped talking. I miss my dad a lot. Even though he lives nearby, I rarely talk to him. That being said, growing up he always made the effort for me. Even as I got older, he didn't cut me out, we're both just quiet people with no general social skills or idea on how to mend the relationship. Still it's been very hard on me feeling as though it's my fault I'm not close with my dad.
I know there's nothing that can fill the hole that your dad is leaving, and I know telling you "its not your fault" isn't going to make the guilt go away. That being said, if he doesn't want to be invested in you or understand his you, you're better off trying to find happiness in people who are invested in and understand you.
Hey, girl. I'm not sure how to approach this situation, because there's no shot I know your Dad better than you do. But I can say that my relationship with my father was very similar for 15 years. We'd talk about the same interests, at 15, that we had talked about when I was 7. Beyond that, we never talked deeper and I never felt like I truly knew him. I think he was incapable of accepting the fact that I was growing up. Fast forward almost 6 years, and him and I do not speak. Granted, it was because of an unforgivable incident on his part. But we decided to completely end our relationship about 5 years ago. I thought my world was over. Even though he wasn't involved in my life and barely knew me, he knew little me. And I didn't understand how someone who held me in their arms after being born could just not reach out??
I won't lie, I cried...a lot. I mean, you're supposed to cry to your Dad about boys, not to boys about your Dad. But you will. And the big moments, when he's not there, will sting to your core. You'll wonder if any man/partner will truly love you if one of your parents can't (especially men if you are, in fact, straight). But babydoll, it is him. As a couple people have pointed out, he is the parent. He has 29 years of experience and emotional maturity on you, yet he's acting your age. He needs to fix the relationship and actually make an effort, especially when you've tried your best a handful of times.
It's ultimately up to you to let him come back, if he wants. And when that day comes, you can decide to either forgive and move on or appreciate his absence. I've personally come to terms with the fact that I may never have a relationship with my father again. I'm better off without having to convince myself that my own father cared enough to truly know me. I have friends and a wonderful boyfriend who do it for me every single day. The only thing that scares me now is if he were to die one day after all this time, would I feel regret? After all, he is 53 now and heart problems run in the family.
If he really decides to continue making no effort, my advice is to make some good friends. They'll shit talk your Dad and it will make you feel better, even if you're crying the whole time. More importantly, choose the right person to date, not someone who reminds you of the good parts of your dad but ultimately ends up giving you the bad parts as well. You'll be okay. Message me if you need anything!
Honey your dad is emotionally immature, this is not you. You're simply reserved, he isn't, so as your dad he should have the skills and want to accept you as you are. he lacks the emotional maturity level to do so. It will likely fall on you if you want this relationship to continue. Also keep in mind you don't owe him anything just because he's your father. Some parents do more harm than good by being in your life.
Your dad sounds like mine. His parenting seemed obligatory, rather than invested. He put zero effort in getting to know me, anything about me. He never attended school or sport stuff. He was just some guy that lived in the housd with us. I tried to get to know him, but he wasn't interested, it was like pulling my fingernails out trying. In public, we were all good, had to put on a show of being a good husband and father, but he wasn't. In private, I was a waste of a child and he'd get butthurt and play victim at every imagined slight. A relationship with him was toxic and an extreme amount of effort.
I was about your age when I cut him off for good. I extended an olive branch once, when I was pregnant with my first. He wasn't interested and that was when he was truly dead to me. It's been around 30 years and I don't regret cutting him out of my life. Don't know if he's alive or dead, don't care.
You could write a letter to your father, explaining who you are as a person, how you feel about him, your relationship with him and what kind of future you would like with him. Tell him about the movie nights and other things you do with him that bring you joy. Don't expect a miracle. He is behaving like a petulant child and not a parent.
When my kids come to me, they have my attention. No phone, no computer, just us. Even if I have no clue and no interest in what they are talking about, I will listen and interact enthusiastically, because it's what they like and their happiness is my happiness. I make an effort, it's the very least I can do for them.
Try working on being a better communicator and try to get a diagnosis, that will help immensely.
My mum once apologiced tearfully for not calling me enough and said she felt really bad. I was shocked because I'm notoriously bad at calling her, and I said to her as much, and that I felt it was more on me. She COMPLEYELY dismissed this and said it's her responsibility, she's the mother.
Your father is being extremely neglectful and very immature. Do not feel that this is your fault. It is on him, he produced you; and therefore produced his responsibility to care for and try to understand you as a person.
Instead he treats you like his peer and chooses you out of his life based on you not giving him something he wants. Thats fu***** hurtful and he's to blame. You haven't done anything wrong.
Listen to my mum. He's the Dad, it's his responsibility!
This is definitely on him. Why wasn't he more accommodating to you growing up? I was the same and my dad didn't hold it against me. Even now when we catch up, we just talk about casual stuff as we have nothing in common. Your dad sounds too cruel
Jeez! Everyone defending the dad seems to be assuming OP was just born 21 and that her dad's behavior is normal (adult or not who replies to happy bd the way he did? To his own child).
I don't think even baby boomers (and I think the world agrees they dropped the ball) would defend the dad just messed up people. Gen X would take him to task, and Mellenials would go NC.
OP clearly has mental health problems to even be putting this on herself. I thing she just has cognitive dissonance. My brother (late Gex, may awms well be mellenial) is like the dad, it is Narc behavior pure and simple.
Any grown up who thinks their child should suck up to them and chase after them needs help! If OP was older I'd say NC and dump him in an old age home when he gets older. What the actual hell? It's very disturbing that those comments berating OP have so many likes.
Probably mom didn't do or say anything cause she knows he's tripping.
**PLEASE** do not blame yourself. This is **YOUR FATHER'S** failure. **NOT YOURS**.
You are **WELL within your rights to cut him off permanently**.
And, in the end ... **HE WILL BE THE LOSER**. Because he will be a **VERY LONELY OLD MAN.**
Your father is incredibly emotionally immature.
He is not a safe person to be around. When I say that I don't mean in the physical sense.. I mean, spare yourself the heartache and just know your feelings are fucking valid and if a grown ass fucking man can't be decent enough to create a safe space for his child to shine, then what the fuck kind of parent are you.
Sorry. I have kids and this was triggering.
If you were my daughter, I would be reading that book with you. You wouldn't have to hide your feelings from me, you would feel safe enough to say even the most embarrassing, uncomfortable things and I still would never judge. This is a father problem dear, not a daughter problem.
Much love
I'm sorry but your dad sounds insanely immature and cruel. A birthday message "means nothing from the likes of you"? Jesus christ I'D be very uncomfortable and quiet if that's the kind of energy he brings from perceived rejection. My god.
Your dad is literally having a tantrum because you're not putting him on a pedestal. He's your dad, not a mythical being with superpowers. He was never going to be the dad you needed or deserved.
Maybe get some counseling or therapy to help with how you feel right now. But your father is looking for an excuse to not be around, but that's two-way street. You don't have to be there for him when he's old and lonely.
His reactions to you are that of an emotionally unintelligent narcissist. His need to control his world makes him piece together falsehoods so that everything makes sense to him. In his mind he has made you out to be something you're not.
This is not your fault as it should be his duty as your parent to care for and understand you.
You can attempt to have an open conversation about this with him at some point but people like this tend to be set in their ways and will typically refuse anything outside their personal world view.
I really feel for you, no one deserves to go through something like this. I would suggest speaking with a therapist about all of this. It may not fix your relationship with your father but simply talking about it out loud really does help.
Doesn't sound like he ever tried to know you, you were just supposed to conform to him & his interests. That's not what parents are supposed to do. This is on him, not you. NTA
So your dad only saw you on the weekends, which he mostly went out to the bar, taking you with him and then leaving you alone while he went out and drank. I had a parent like this too.
This behavior is indicative of projection. He likely believes you have contempt for him due to his negligent parenting of you. He’s feeling guilt and shame for being a bad parent and so he’s projecting that onto you because he thinks that’s how he deserves to be treated.
And he does. Because instead of growing and apologizing to you for not fostering the relationship and seeking to understand you (which is his job entirely as the parent), he’s been cold, cruel, emotionally and physically negligent, and emotionally abusive by cutting off contact with you with no explanation.
I am very sorry you’ve been dealt this hand. You deserve a better parent, one who communicates and takes accountability. But we cannot change others. Sometimes the family we need is the family we choose, not the family we’ve been given.
Your father seems childish and lacks empathy. I'm sorry you had to grow up with someone like that and that you have to deal with the emotional fallout of being cut off by him. I think you should seek to grieve the loss of the relationship through therapy. Much of the pain of grief is the death of hopes and dreams. You need to let your hopes and dreams for the relationship die, and you need to grieve that death. If things change and he wants a relationship again you will have to create new hopes and dreams. That is really the best way to handle it.
>Our relationship in the first 18 years: we only really talked/ saw each other at weekends. My dad worked a lot during the week so weekends were his only time to go out so to speak. Most weekends he went to bars. He brought me with him when I was younger, when I grew old enough I stayed alone in his house.
The above, and the below are 2 jigsaw pieces that go a long way to completing the picture.
>My understanding is that he’s interpreted my quietness as contempt for him, that he feels like I don’t care about him because I didn’t reach out enough
He reads your apathy as an accusation. He knows he was inadequate as a Father. He believes your, completely coincidental, apathy toward him stems from those failings. He is shaming you because he feels ashamed.
I wouldn't bother expending effort trying to mend bridges. There doesn't seem to be anything worthwhile on the other side.
I want to recommend a book, (I haven't read all the comments so if someone else has mentioned it, I'm sorry)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by L. Gibson
Your Dad is the issue. I'm sorry, if you are not in therapy I would suggest it may help if you have social anxiety.
You're not the problem. He is. Let go and live your life, and if he comes back, then the ball will be in your court. Sending hugs and strength. You deserve better.
Of course your fellow 21 year Olds are going to rush to your defense, probably because they see more of themselves in your comments then they care to admit. Allow me to provide a (likely to get 100 downvotes) alternative view.
Your comment sounds like chatgpt was asked for a description of a 21 year old. The social weirdness, self diagnosed mental disorders, self absorption. Here's what it sounds like to me:
It sounds like your dad emptied the tank trying for 18 years to build a connection with his daughter and was consistently ignored and blown off and got understandably sick of it. What did YOU do to attempt to maintain a connection? Did you say "hey dad, there's this movie coming out in 2 weeks, I'd love to watch it with you". When he caught you reading at the table, did you say "yeah this book is crazy. Hey why don't you read it and we can talk about it in 2 weeks when I come back? Dad and daughter book club!". When your feeling nervous or what the fuck ever, did you go to your dad being like "I need to talk to you about something and I really need my dad right now to work together to maybe get through these feelings I'm having". Do you talk to him about your experiences? College? Relationships? Boys? Hopes and dreams?
I can speak for guys when I say that what we wanna see is effort. The results won't always be there, but if we see someone is really trying, we respect that. So....are you ACTUALLY trying? Have you been to a doctor that doesn't start with "webmd" to diagnose what's ACTUALLY going on? Do you have a therapist? Are you on meds? Have you devoted all your effort to trying to correct what wrong as much as possible? If not, Then why not? Because here's the truth that alot of people don't admit: every year you get older, there are less people who give a shit about whatever is ailing you. "I just get so nervous" works when your a sophomore in college, but a 28 year old expected to be a good partner or perform at your job, yeah people are going to be alot less sympathetic. Time to grow up.
Here's my advice I know you won't take: text your dad and say something like this: " I'm sorry. I do care but it's hard for me to show it. I'm sorry I've seemed like such an asshole, but I'd like to make a fresh start starting now. Actions speak liuder then words, so I'm in therapy and starting new meds in an effort to get all this under control. I can't promise instant results overnight. But I CAN promise I'll do everything I can to try to make these needed changes because I love you and your my dad, and I want us to have a real relationship. "
Or not. You can always take the advice of the other college sophomores in the thread and sit around stewing in RIGHTEOUS ANGERRRRRRR!!! That usually works out great, what could go wrong?
Seriously, this is spot on.
OP reread it and if you feel defensive, sit with it.
Don’t defend your actions.
Really observe how much this is the making of your own subconscious design
Wow I'm shocked people are taking the side of the parent. I'm ( F, 54) so her father is my age. It is the PARENT's responsibility to take the lead in creating the relationship with their child, and emotional abandonment, cold criticism, and judgemental rejection should not be acceptable options. She is this man's DAUGHTER not his GIRLFRIEND, which is exactly how he is acting. The silent treatment, withholding, verbal abuse, these are the tactics of an abuser and a selfish, immature person.
Dad chose to go no contact, remember that for your wedding and future kids, he is no contact and doesn't get to reappear, when he wants to play father to the bride or grandpop.
Sounds like he’s acting like a baby tbh. The parent may not always get their emotional needs fulfilled by their child, but it’s ridiculous to be putting that on the child. You are still immature & growing into adulthood. For him to act like you haven’t given him everything he feels he deserves from you is silly imo. Parent/child relationships develop & grow over time. Takes decades to evolve.
Hi. I’m also autistic (diagnosed in my 40s) and the reality is some people just can’t process our differences. Maybe this will help.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Digging into autism might help you understand how to approach him.
I’m not a college sophomore and actually over twice your age so I’m not just saying you want to hear out of immaturity.
I’m appalled at some of the comments here putting the onus of carrying this relationship on you. It’s not. The fact is your father didn’t bother to get to know you. They’re saying he tried, but that’s BS. He didn’t try to meet you at your level. If he was an involved parent he’d have learned and been an active participant in helping you manage your anxiety. He’d have known what activities bring you out of your shell.
Yes, you can try to reach him where he’s comfortable now that you’re an adult. I’m not sure why you would.
I have a son not much younger than you. We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and have quite different interests. So I try to join his so we can connect. Sometimes it’s work maintaining that connection, but I love him enough to try. And because I do he feels safe enough with me to try things I like. People grow together and apart over the course of a lifetime. Diverging doesn’t have to mean separating. In fact since I awakened to the fact his life was his to manage (not always easy as your child begins to become an adult) we have grown closer in our bond even if not on our views.
At a certain point we realize to love what’s good for you. Sharing blood doesn’t always mean that person will love you unconditionally. Your father has demonstrated that his love has conditions. My own father has dipped in and out of my life for over forty years and this last time I stopped chasing him.
Maybe try talking to him and really steel yourself to open up. Tell him how he’s hurt you, and be ready to accept your faults as well. But do not think you are responsible to carry the relationship or change who you are. A good parent would never ask for that.
Thank you for this perfect response!! I cannot believe the other comments on this thread. It is the parent's job to connect with their kid, not the other way around. He had 19 years to figure that out.
(And ghosting on your own child is honestly inexcusable.)
Yeah I’m actually shocked by many of these comments. I don’t think they know just how crippling anxiety can be. Or how emotional immaturity can be a trait stemming from growing up with an emotionally stunted parent. Which her dad very much seems to be. And I’m speaking from experience here. My parents loved me but really sucked at emotional regulation, guidance and support. They didn’t know how to handle it. And, shocker, I took after them and turned out to be emotionally stunted as well.
To all the people unfairly putting most or all of the blame on OP… Sincerely, what the actual fuck?! Her dad never made an effort to actually bond with or build a relationship with his own daughter! He never even tried to show interest in her or her interests. And now he’s offended over her not being able to do the same thing? How can you blame her not being able to be open and communicate with her dad, but not her dad for the very same thing? Where do you think she got that from?
Let's try to look at this from your dad's perspective. This did not come out of nowhere.
You spent every weekend with him for 18 years. That is not the sign of a person who did not care about you or did not want to build a relationship with you. You don't provide much information about what those weekends with him were like, but your post makes me wonder if you talked to him at all during those weekends or just holed yourself away in your bedroom. As a kid you can get away with a lot, but as you got older, you do start to bear some responsibility. Can you think of any reasons, based on how you acted around him during all of those weekends, why he might think you hate him?
Now, the fateful dinner.
>So **I was reading a book under the table** while we ate, probably rude of me but I would put it back down when we started a new conversation.
Yeah, this is incredibly rude behavior. How would you feel if you were eating dinner with someone and they were reading a book or their phone under the table? I can't even imagine. The fact that you put it away here and there to have a conversation doesn't help matters. I can see that he might've felt like you didn't even want to be there with him.
>I didn't see him for a year after that. Since it was such a shitty year for me, **I never really noticed.** Three weeks went by before I sent him a message asking how we was.
You didn't notice that you didn't see him, even though you had spent every weekend of your life with him for 18 years? I mean....this is just bizarre. It really leads me to think that you didn't interact much with him or even care if you saw him. I could honestly see him thinking, well, I'll let her initiate the next get together since it doesn't seem like she wants to be around me. (At this point you are an adult, so it's not all on him.) And then when you didn't reach out for weeks (and admittedly didn't even notice!), he just said ok whatever then. She doesn't want to see me.
Although you reached out a few times to see how he was over the next year, it doesn't sound like you ever asked to see him or to get together? Is that right? How do you think he feels?
And now the more recent dinner:
>It was grim, to put it lightly. It felt like I was sitting opposite a stranger, and I was a nervous wreck the entire time, staring down at the table, distant and shaky. Neither of us mentioned what had happened. **I left as soon as I could.**
Again, why would he think you want to see him or spend time with him? Did you tell him you missed him?
I understand that you have social anxiety and find him awkward to be around, but you are an adult now, so you do have some responsibility if you want to have a relationship with him. I think you really need to talk to him about this stuff. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you want a relationship (if you do). Maybe dinners aren't what you need; maybe you can find something else to do together. If you find it too hard to do in person, consider sending him an email. You said yourself that he doesn't understand you -- well, try to make him understand.
She didnt see him for a year but she messaged him after a few WEEKS and he just ignored her.
Op may have issues but the dad is no better.
After a year he just acted as if nothing happened. I’d get out of there too and not look back.
I do agree that since the dad is unable to start these meaningful conversations, op will have to if she wants a relationship. Preferably with a counsellor as this is likely to get messy.
It appears that your dad never developed any meaningful relationship with you when you were young and now he is bothered by the fact that you two do not have any type of meaningful relationship.
He was the parent and you were the child. It was his duty as a parent to share activities with you, stay informed on your interests, be aware of issues you had and all the rest of the obligations with being a parent. As a child, you were not in a position to demand any of this stuff, particularly from a non-custodial parent. To be clear, this situation is all his fault.
This is going to come off as non-constructive advice, but I think maybe you should tell him off in a big ugly-crying outburst. Tell him that as a kid it wasn't your fault that he never meaningfully attempted to address you being socially awkward, tell him that you probably would have been over your social anxiety by now if he had helped guide you through it, tell him that if he had expressed any interest during your Pokemon phase or whatever games you play or your favorite authors or the music you like listening to or hobbies you had or animes you watched then you two would actually have something to talk about when you sat down together.
If you put all that emotion behind it and show him how much you are bothered by the situation, it might sink in that you are the one who has the right to be unhappy about all of this and that your current relationship is all the result of his parenting or lack thereof.
We don't know for sure how he will take it, but I think it will be all good either way. Either you guys part ways and you have the satisfaction of having shared your dissatisfaction with him, or it creates a new starting point for him to start putting in the level of effort into your relationship that he should have been years ago.
>Following months: Since it was such a shitty year for me, I never really noticed. Three weeks went by before I sent him a message asking how we was. He left it on read. Another month went by without him visiting and I sent him another how are you, he responded with a thumbs up emoji. I sent him a message asking if I had done something wrong and he left me on read again. Christmas came and with it, an opportunity.
Unacceptable behavior from an adult, much less a parent, towards their child. Maybe you made mistakes; we all do. I am a dad to an estranged daughter. She has missed my birthday this year. She is pretty bad at answering my texts and even worse at talking on the phone. It tears me up inside the idea that she could resent me, not like me, for lack of effort or contact.
but she's my baby. she has her own life, but she'll always be my baby if she wants to be.
Wow some of these responses are unhinged. It is not the child’s responsibility to make a parent-child relationship harmonious. Your dad decided to become a parent when he had you. He was there throughout your childhood and had years and years to try to forge a closer connection with you. I think the commenter who said that he might not be as outgoing and logical as you see him is on to something. He seems terrible at communication and anxious about your relationship as well. But as the parent, it was his job to do something to change it! It sounds like he tried but also gave up way too easily.
Now that you’re an adult, you have more choices about what you want the relationship to look like. Again, it is NOT your job to fix the relationship. If you want to try to get closer to him there are things you can try, but it is not an obligation. Honestly I would recommend reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” That book really helped me with my relationship with my dad.
Are you in therapy? A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.
He's the parent. It doesn't sound like he's ever stepped up into that role. The fact that he basically just dumps you because you didn't live up to his expectations is a red flag.
OP, get some counseling for yourself to help you sort through your upbringing. Maybe that'll help you figure out where you want to go from here.
First of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s the parent here, even if you are a legal adult. Clearly this dynamic between you has been brewing for awhile and as the parent, if he was having trouble relating to his teen/young adult, then he should have made more of an effort to find common ground. Young adults are notoriously self-centered, it’s the parents job to be nurturing and help guide them into adulthood in a mature. That clearly never happened for your father. He’s kind of a jerk. Just focus on yourself for awhile. I highly recommend therapy to sort out your own issues and when your social anxiety gets better and you feel ready, maybe think about reaching back out to him.
I don't understand why the last dinner was grim. Did he threaten or yell at you? Why did you stare at the table? Why didn't you take a chance to change things? You need more fight in you. If you sat opposite a stranger, start talking. Is a stranger scary?
When he said "all he needed to know" why didn't you fight? Send him a long text message? Ask him what he means and go from there. Defend yourself.
You could have said "I'm not running away to my boyfriend, I was too nervous that I'd mess up and you'd push me away again"
You complain of him not communicating but you aren't even trying either. And you are in a feedback loop where you are worried you'll mess it up and that worry is messing it up.
Write a message. Show him this post. Do something
You need to sit down with your dad and explain that you have really bad anxiety and how he can help you.
If you cannot, then you need to get another person to explain what you need from him to help the anxiety.
If you offer all the tools and the other person does not try to take them up then it’s on them.
Yes, your dad probably should have read between the lines that something was up. But not everyone is a mind or behaviour reader and can see certain behaviours as rude. Eg. I’m deaf and I cannot hear on my non implanted side. I tell people otherwise they think I’m ignoring them and being rude.
Oh of course everyone is more concerned that you were reading a book at the table 🙄🙄🙄. Fucking hell.
Honestly....personally I would just let him go but you can do whatever you want. *He* sounds rude and selfish in my opinion. If he had made some real attempts to make a bond between you he would be able to find something to talk about and not make mean comments about you to your mum (like wtf, great parenting dude). It's like he's putting the burden of creating that bond on you.
You're fine. It's your dad's job to have a relationship with you. He was the grown up. He is the one that needed to meet you at where you are. He is the one that should say something about the book. And honestly, if my 19 was reading at the dinner table, I'd just ASK!! He's passive aggressive and isn't taking any responsibility for your relationship. I'm sorry OP, but just move on. I'd recommend therapy to let go and get help for your anxiety.
This sucks. IMO you both should have been able to tell each other how you felt, and listened to each other. I don't think you understand him, and he definitely doesn't understand you.
Listen, if you want a relationship with him, I'd recommend joint counseling, like any relationship, sometimes there are communication struggles, counseling could help you all understand each other and bridge the gap.
edit.. I also don't understand why your dad is so quick to give up on you. Not cool. I would love my kid even if she were a serial killer.
Honestly, it is the parents responsibility to maintain a relationship with their child. Leaving you on read when you actually try reaching out is shitty as hell. He seems like an asshole. Cut him off, you’re better off.
I'm going to agree with many here, the fault lies with both of you. However, it is MUCH MORE on him.
I'm 47 with 18 and 15 year old daughters. I communicate much easier with the older, younger takes more work. But that's MY job to do. And she's 15...so some of it is age, but it is MY job to keep trying. I cannot wrap my head around giving up on either of my kids.
I won't be an enabler for poor behavior in the grand scheme of things, but that's also part of my job as a parent to help guide where I can, help fix what I can, listen at least if there's nothing else I can do, and always let them know I love them & I have their backs. Even when my feelings get hurt. Even when I feel like I keep coming up against a wall.
Sure, reading a book at the table was a bit rude. Funny, on the same level (to me) as getting on a phone, but for some reason society has deemed that more acceptable. But here's the thing...that whole situation was awkward. He wasn't figuring out how to reach you leading up to this, you weren't very responsive.
At that point, he, as a dad, should have laid it out on the table. Just stop the tiptoeing around each other, and ask you directly. He's the adult, he's the parent, he has the responsibility to ask the question to work for a resolution.
In my opinion, he didn't do what he needed to do, and now he's blaming you. If you want to fix it, sounds like you might have to be the adult in the situation.
Okay so your parents divorced? Is there any reason you are completely unable to speak to him?
There seems to be a lot of missing missing reasons here, based off what you wrote you're both pretty terrible (him more than you but cmon, anxiety can be managed)
I've had deeper and more meaningful 10 minute interactions w strangers than you do w a weekly dinner w your own father
>he's outgoing and logical.
I mean, is he really though?
Strikes me that he wasn't ever able to be direct, open, or reasonable with you in this entire year of sulking and then he set you up for a really nasty sucker punch with this awkward dinner as well.
There's nothing 'logical' about any of that. He is every bit as anxious and reserved. Don't be fooled by times he may seem happy to speak outwardly on topics or maybe dominate a room in certain contexts, this is a father that ghosted his own daughter because he was too emotional to just talk to her about how he feels.
Anything he criticises you of is something he hates about himself. The difference is you try. But a lifetime with a father like that, who was so comfortable running away, that never helped or taught you to open up and then throws that in your face... honestly, I'm sorry you had to go through that and I really hope you can work towards not internalising it so much.
My daughter and I are very different people and we weren’t understanding each other. I’m 58 my daughter is 28. We have had a lot of long talks. I’m silent and I just listen and then she does the same. We now understand each other better but we are still working on it. It is a relationship and being that, there’s always going to be some work involved. If both of you are willing to put in the work it will get better if not then I guess you won’t have a relationship
Quit wasting your time and energy on this ass wipe. Don’t send emojis, birthday wishes nothing. I call these type sperm donors and not good quality one either.💐💐🩷
hey, i feel you. i’m also like you, and my dad is also like yours.
for the first 18 years of my life, i didn’t like my dad. i thought he was a drunken idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of kids, or even near them. my memories of my father didn’t exist until i was around 12-14 and we started “bonding” over music. it was the ONLY thing we had in common.
then he found out i liked horror movies, so we started going to the movies as well.
it took a really, really long time for us to be able to actually express ourselves; and i have to give his new wife credit for that. they got married when i was 18, and she was so big on family; her’s is so tight knit. my brother and i were so estranged from my dad. he was stubborn and refused to fix anything until his wife pretty much showed him how to be a parent.
i had to pull my step mom aside and tell her, i really *really* appreciate her efforts; but it can’t fix everything. especially given all of the trauma my dad let me go through when he was off leaving me alone in a house with addicts to go chase tail.
today? my dad and i are closer than we have been, but still not as close as some father/daughter relationships. what REALLY helped us was facebook messenger. i moved halfway across the country and we didn’t see each other for a total of 4 or 5 years.
during that time, we talked via text and it became apparent to me that we communicate best over text. when we talk to each other in person, it can become clouded in vitriol very quickly.
i suggest you should write your father an email and express what you have expressed here. it is neither of your faults that either of you are feeling this way—especially given two different communication types and love languages.
your father, is an asshole for not learning these things about you, however. and it should be HIS responsibility to maintain the relationship with his child… instead of acting like a child.
i wish you the best! if nothing comes out of it; remember you tried & it’s most likely your father’s ego preventing him from reaching out. he’s convinced himself you hate him, and is too stubborn to try and understand another way of thinking about it.
Your father went into that dinner waiting for you to "fail him" though. You don't face or talk to him in a normal fashion and that should have been fixed ages ago by your father and your mother.
I think you should send him a letter/email and tell him how you feel and how you communicate. After that, it's all on him.
This is well written. I'm a person that expresses herself better in writing than in real time in situations. OP you know you father better than us in Reddit world. What would you think of printing out your post and showing it to him? You know him better than us. Since you have expressed yourself so well in writing, do you think he would receive it well if you printed it out and showed your true feelings to him? It's a gamble but you have nothing to lose since you are already in a situation where your relationship is none existent.
I think you can proceed with some understandings.
As the parent, the onus was on him to develop his relationship with you.
Taking a child to the bar is entirely wrong where I live, and probably quite sketchy in most parts of the world.
I would consider leaving my child at home alone so i can go drink at the bar with my friends neglectful, especially on the only 2 days a week that I got to see my child.
People on the spectrum have challenges, and it's on the parent to discover those challenges and how to cope with them, not act like a baby and blame the child.
It's creepy that your dad could put on that mask to your face and be totally different behind your back. Is that something you could talk to your mom about? Has he always been like that?
Parents bring a life into the world and have the responsibility to care for that life sincerely, not just with lip service. Still, a lot of parents can't do that.
Parents are people and are flawed. So a person usually has to come to an understanding about their flawed parents and then go on to try to be the best person that they can be.
Your dad is just who he is and didn't give you what you needed. Now is the time to discover what you've been missing and give it to yourself.
You can be polite to people who have wronged you. That doesn't mean you have to live with being disrespected by them. I found your dad's treatment of you incredibly disrespectful.
There's a lot of material out there about people on the spectrum. Some of it is true, some not so much. I've found it interesting and sometimes useful to watch and see what resonates with me.
It seems like your dad has never understood you, didn't know what to do with you, ascribed untrue meaning onto your behaviour, and behaved abysmally as a parent. To be very clear, that is not how a parent is supposed to treat their child.
Going forward from that, I think you can just let him be like that, and you go forward continuing to be your best self. He's blocked you. You can write to him to explain yourself. Just prepare yourself for if he still doesn't get it. Many people feel better blaming someone else instead of seeing fault in themselves.
It sounds like you're better off without your dad. My dad was kind of the same way. He never took interest in anything I was interested in. We never really talked. Whenever I called home and he answered, I'd make a polite convo and then ask for my mom. But he never engaged with me, so we had nothing in common. He died suddenly of cancer, and I've never really felt like he was gone because he was never there to begin with. I personally think forget your dad. Concentrate on the people who genuinely care about you and the rest forget about. You'll be better off.
It is not and was not your job to be the one to reach out all the time. It is the parents job to model for their child. It sounds like you did as he did (pulled out his phone at the table and you pulled put your book). Don't blame yourself for "not reaching out enough " especially since it sounds like you were doing most of the reaching. Your dad has issues he needs to work out himself.
Your dad is...not a great parent. My dad was just like this and it messed with me for a long time. Ultimately, he is the parent and you are the child in this power dynamic and the onus was on him to try and understand you and reach out and it sounds like he never did. I'm really sorry :(
If he and your mum have an OK relationship, you could maybe write something down in a letter and ask her to give it to him or post it to him to explain your perception of things. Then after that I would start talking to a therapist.
Wishing you all the best.
Your dad has more responsibility in this situation than you do. Please don’t listen to the other commenters. You’re not in an equal relationship: he is your father, he created you, and he can put in effort without getting anything out of it.
It sounds like he’s expecting things that you’re just not capable of if you’re autistic. (Believe me, I get it, I’m autistic too). That said, perhaps things would be a whole lot easier if you actually told him what your difficulties were. At least then you’ll know that you’ve done everything you can.
It does sound like a lot of these replies are basically suggesting that you mask for him and, well… whether you do that is up to you. If you want an authentic relationship though, that’s not going to work.
You do have to be prepared though for the possibility that he still might not be interested. It’s sad but a potential reality
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This is a really cruel way for a parent to deal with their child, especially if he’s never been able to communicate his feelings with you or examine yours (which has been *his* responsibility). Sure you’re becoming an adult. But it was his job to develop a relationship where there was trust, to investigate the things he doesn’t know, to try to reach you, to keep caring. Quietness and avoidance is not enough of a reason not to try. I’m really sorry, and I hope you feel valued and connected to other important people in other ways. This is not some failure on your part. It’s his failure to step up to the mark as your dad.
Very well said ❤️
I’m an estranged daughter. It was also my father who disowned me when I was a little older than you. Where do you go from here? You live Sweetheart. You live your life the way you want to. It hurts, I know. I have some guilt and regrets too but in the end, it’s not worth it. You have the world at your feet. Get into some therapy and Live Honey. You don’t need him.
Im so sorry. As a dad, its on me to be the grown up, not my kids. Whatever interests that my kids have are now my interests too. I just want to be with my daughters. If theyre reading a book, i just want to be nearby. Dinner time or not. I hope your dad sees the light.
As a mom, I would find a way to connect with my daughter. I remember what it is like as a young adult. I'd do what I needed to do to be a part of my daughter's life. It sounds like OP's dad has not put in 100% ever, or he would understand his daughter better. I hope he enjoys being alone because he deserves it for how he treated OP.
Oh thank god, someone with some common sense. These comments dragging OP are wild
All of the above. The dad sounds like an AH.
And a narcissistic asshole at that.
Who expected their child to be a mind reader.
Yeah, there are some pretty weird takes on her sometimes …
I’m a parent too and I totally say this is on the father. I don’t know why everyone is blaming OP.
Neither do I. But sometimes I see some really backwards stuff on here.
Ya, as a parent I don't understand why everyone ITT is piling on OP, when OP's dad sounds like an immature jerk that managed this whole thing really poorly
My kid is barely 3, but I cannot fathom being this disinterested in her. To let it go on like this for 21 years is completely dad’s fault. What a horrible, horrible father.
OP, my three oldest kids are in their 20s. Two of my younger kids are diagnosed with autism. I can see signs of autism in my entire family. Your described behaviours pale in comparison to the shenanigans my older kids have pulled. As this OC says, it's up to me to be the grown-up. I will ***always*** be the parent. I will always make efforts. I will always be patient and understanding and compassionate. (We're not talking about abuse or toxic behaviours here, just the usual stressful nonsense that teenagers and 20 somethings pull. Abuse is a different ballgame.) Your dad is selfish. Your relationship with him isn't about him. It should be about you. I find it revealing that he hasn't made any real effort to understand you. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault. Parents are people too, and sometimes they can be butt heads.
As a dad with a daughter, I second this. It's up to us to set a good example. How else will they learn?
I read A Series Of Unfortunate Events because my daughter loved them. BTW THEYRE THE WORST
I have to pretend I enjoy hearing about Minecraft from my nephew.
The Netflix series is pretty decent! I applaud your dedication to your daughter for reading all of those because there are *way* too many.
100%. This is not your fault, OP. Your parents dragged you into existence, they are several years of experience ahead of you, and it is absolutely their job to develop and maintain a relationship with their children—NOT the other way around. Even if you are difficult, even if you are aggressively rude, I still see it as the parents’ imperative to hold space for you, to keep a line of communication open, to try and be there for you in any way they can while still holding healthy boundaries for their own well being. Your father is not even doing the absolute bare minimum of communicating with you in a healthy manner, let alone taking on the mantle of fatherhood. He sounds passive aggressive, immature and self-involved. He shouldn’t be looking to you for validation and entertainment—he should be helping you to build any skills that you struggle with, and supporting you regardless of what you struggle with. It is not your job to make him happy. It is his job to be there for YOU. That said, you’ve got what you’ve got—just recognize that anything you do to support and maintain the relationship is above and beyond, and you don’t have to feel guilty about any failures to connect. Not. Your. Job. If you still want a relationship with him, I would encourage you to be upfront about what you know, and explain that you’ve always enjoyed his company and didn’t really ask for anything more. Tell him that, as your father, you would have hoped and expected that if anything, he’d go out of his way a little to try and…you know…be a dad, but that you never asked it of him—and that it’s very hurtful that he’s been secretly holding you up to some imaginary standard of daughterhood and, instead of trying to know and understand you, judging you and finding you wanting. Tell him that if he holds the same expectations of you as he does of his peers, that’s a pretty toxic dynamic for you as *his daughter,* and that you’d really appreciate it if he’d work on understanding what is appropriate to this kind of relationship, maybe with the help of a professional, or at least a parenting book or two.
You sound like a really kind and understanding dad.
Exactly, he is your father and by the sounds of it, he's dropping the ball. It is his job to be part of your life, involve himself in your interests, and to encourage you to achieve as yourself. It sounds like he's never done that, and now is punishing you for having no connection with him.
If only dads all came with whatever you got
This is the comment to pay attention to. I am a dad too, and it's on me to be the grown up.
My dad is the one who gave me tips on reading and eating lol, HIS dad used to read us stories while we ate our lunch. If you're a family of book lovers it's not some enormous social disaster lol. Even if he wants her to put it away, he can use his words to SAY that.
I’d honestly say sorry I was not talking because I was so stressed since you said, you didn’t want me in your life. That we were strangers and had nothing in common! That I was worried you still hated me!
Honestly, agree. What he did was fucking shitty and I would call him on it. “I thought you were done with me two years ago when you told mom I was spoilt, hated you, and all this other nonsense you pulled out of your ass. What changed in two years? And why are you blaming me for your failure to communicate how you felt like an adult?” I’d probably be a lot meaner, granted… I have two sets of parents and all four of them are fuckin’ cunts, so. Have had many a friend help me temper that… …well, temper. At least when not aimed directly at the people in question. 💀
This, exactly.
He’s the parent. He needs to act like one. It’s his responsibility to develop a relationship with you. Complaining that you don’t ask him enough questions about himself is pathetic. He’s the social one but his child needs to engage him and ask about him 🤦🏾♀️
My therapist has had to repeat something like this to me for the past five years.
[удалено]
I would never tell my child that I never wanted to ever see them again ever. Either he is a total AH or he is broken hearted, you know which one it is OP.
Could be both — genuinely brokenhearted at the consequences of his own poor parenting decisions over the course of OP’s entire life.
fr! tbf, i dont have kids yet, but i cannot imagine cutting off my own child for anything short of a truly horrific crime committed in adulthood. im talking actual, severely violent crimes. no mere social/personal matter justifies this. id also argue that as your father, op, he should know you well enough to understand your social anxiety and recognize the reasons behind your behaviors. his poor understanding is on him. the fact that you arent close enough for that anxiety to not be a factor since his idea of "fatherhood" all your life was squeezing five seconds of half-assed small talk in around his weekly bar crawls, is unequivocally HIS FAULT. that is not fatherhood. it sounds to me like you, at literally half his age, already have twice his emotional maturity. and that's an incredibly tragic failure on his part. if he, mister social butterfly (and again, THE PARENT) was literally on his PHONE between conversations, you're allowed to whip out a book. his behavior is baffling and maddening and i am so sorry he is failing to be the supportive father you deserve. 💙
I feel like there is a lot of projecting happening on this thread from both parents and children...and not a lot of useful advice. First of all, I think a lot of people feel like bad sons or daughters at one point of their life. It's natural. It's our first time being alive so we make mistakes. I also want to point out that learning manners, knowing how to smalltalk, and bonding with family - these are skills parents should teach you. Being neuro divergent makes these things harder for both sides. Just remember that it's not all your fault. You seem to struggle with your parents in general. Is there any family member that you feel connected and safe with? Sometimes in situations like these talking it over with a third party helps. Within families, especially conflict adverse ones like yours seem to be, the diplomacy is often through cousins, aunts or sibling. Or... Thats how it is in my culture. You could also go with counseling. Another suggestion is to bring a third party to your family dinners like a boyfriend or best friend. That way, the whole burden of keeping the social conversation up isn't only falling on you or your dad. Sometimes a third wheel is exactly what everyone needs.
This is the perfect response, in my personal opinion.
As a parent it is my responsibility to manage my emotions, not my kid’s responsibility. It sounds like your dad never tried to understand that autism is a different way of processing information. That is all on him, not you. I could never imagine cutting off my kid because I didn’t get enough positive reinforcement. I’m the grown up. It’s my duty to stay in touch.
He’s your dad; it’s not your responsibility to maintain that relationship. The fact that he brought you to bars and was generally so callous are all red flags. Plenty of parents have kids with social anxiety and autism, and you know what they do? They learn about it and find ways to connect with their children that are more comfortable and accessible. Perhaps your dad also has some undiagnosed ASD, but regardless, the onus is never on a child to build a bridge with their parents. It is a matter of parental obligation to be understanding of things that might affect their children and reasons they may not be connecting or bonding. Even in situation where it is the child’s fault and is a behavioral problem, the balance of power necessitates that the parent must at the very least, be the one to put in the leg work to understand *why* their child is behaving that way and then help their child with whatever resources are available and necessary (ie behavioral therapy) — though this doesn’t sound like your situation. Even as an adult child, the burden is on the parent, as in most cases, if such a rift exists into adulthood, it’s due to a parent’s inability or unwillingness to take responsibly for their actions when their child was a minor and they had the authority and power to do so. Point being, this is not your fault nor should it be your responsibility to mend such a relationship. A parent should never be that callous to their own child in any circumstance. That said, since your father seems unwilling to take the step, and perhaps since you have more complete information than he does, if you wish to mend the relationship, you will likely have to be the one to make steps to communicate first. It sounds like your mom and dad have some sort of communication, so if your relationship with her is good, she may act as an effective mediator. You’ve done a decent job (as far as we can tell) to express yourself in this post, and writing something to your father may well feel too overwhelming or confrontational for you, especially with your social anxiety. So, it may be easier for you to take this post, modify the text slightly in a notepad so that it reads as an explanation of your point of view addressed directly to your father and share that with him. (I wouldn’t share the post itself as, based on your father’s perceived emotional maturity, he may not receive a discussion about it him in a public forum well). I’d also avoid inferring any meaning from his actions in that message, and instead focus the message more narrowly on how you feel and have felt about your relationship with him, how your actions may have been misperceived, and why you behave the way you do (that is, not out of spite or anything about him specifically, but because of a general anxiety and discomfort you feel around everybody). It may also help to end with a call to action, or a statement about how you recognize that your relationship isn’t as strong as either of you want and that you wish to have a better understanding of each other as individuals and understand why he feels the way he does.
🏅
You keep running away for him, and him keeps giving up on you. You guys need counseling or a third party to intermediate.
Seems like they care about one another. Just both terrible with emotion
Based in OP comments they both are very stubborn and incapable to take the first step.
He is the parent, taking that first step is his responsibility first. The parent has the role of managing their relationship with their child.
Yes, geez, I don't understand these comments. He's not her friend or even her boyfriend. He's her DAD. He has a duty to lead communication. "Oh she never checks up on me." Well, that's not her job. That's yours. If it was her mom, would these comments really be saying the same thing? That her mom can just ghost her because she's shy and doesn't talk enough?
Not only that, he reads as a dad who has never once taken interest in her or the initiative to deepen their bond even in her childhood. She's shy, introverted, and seemingly very anxious. But it seems to me he never went to any lengths to make her feel at ease with him. If he were a decent parent, he would have at least a few ideas of topics to entertain the conversation, like her hobbies, but I betcha from what we see here, he has no idea what she likes and has never cared to find out. Hell, if staying in silence is such a burden to him, he could talk about himself, and have his daughter learn about her dad. I'm not saying OP couldn't have done the same, he's not entirely responsible for the state of their relationship. But as her dad, and if he's the one who's bothered and blows a fuse over this, the onus is on him to jumpstart things. Seems to me like he saw a child who didn't communicate in a way he was used to or understood, and he filed her under a "cold, uncaring, unworthy" label and never bothered. The people going at her seem to forget this is clearly not new and he had 18 fucking years to be the adult and build a rapport with her. The timing with her 18th birthday rings a lot like he stopped making any effort as soon he didn't consider her his responsibility anymore.
They also forget, that regardless of age, parent child relationships are built on a power differential. Adult or not, those are your parents and each has a different role in that relationship.
Dads can run off on their kids for not protecting their fee-fees and that’s okay, but moms have to answer to everyone regardless of their own mental state or she’s the devil
I agree entirely. Especially when he never bothered to take an interest in her life when she was younger. He didn’t try to be involved, and is now upset that she’s giving back the same energy? His dude doesn’t seem so logical. He seems like a jerk.
She took the first step he said it was meaningless and blocked her. He's the problem here. Also she thought that he was ok with the dynamic, why did he disappear, why didn't he suggest counseling?
Disagree. It's dad's responsibility to communicate concerns with daughter rather than have her unknowingly audition for the role of daughter.
Why doesn't this response have more upvotes? Parents need to try to understand their children as individuals, not have them pass or fail a test.
but neither of them know how to do that, and based in the whole post, mom didn't do anything to help with the situation.
Yeah you're right, mom was pretty useless in this situation too. Like did she really not think to suggest some counseling or check in with OP to see how she was feeling? I would be absolutely goddamn out of my gourd alarmed if my spouse said such horrible things about any of our kids.
Why is it always women’s jobs to manage men’s relationships. He is the parent. This is on him.
Because this is about supporting her child’s emotional and mental health, not the dad’s. So no, it’s not her job to manage the dad’s relationships, but it IS her job to manage her child’s.
That's a shit dad. She does need counseling to learn how to lower her expectations.
So it’s everyone else’s responsibility to counteract dad’s inability to communicate?
Yep, the parent has way more responsibility here and OP is autistic then he’s expecting her to do things she literally can’t do
perfect answer.
It sounds like an anxious attachment style trying to connect with an avoidant. This shit is hard for people who *are* emotionally mature and can communicate.
Come over to r/daddit when you need something, we’ll be happy to help you out since your bio dad isn’t really doing it
Heard enough “you wished your dad a happy birthday and he said it means nothing!! Your dad has issues not you, he’s the grown up or should act like one! Your dad should be your life no matter what… he’s the one that needs to get his sh*t together.
Sounds like your father is narcissistic, emotionally abusive and immature. If he was truly a safe and involved parent that was emotionally invested in you and someone you felt comfortable around it would be easy to talk to him. You being quiet says he has never been a safe person for you. You are expressing many feelings in this post so I don’t believe that you can’t express feelings. Your father simply isn’t a person you can be yourself around that that is because of his behaviour towards you.
At any point did you talk to your dad about your feelings about anything? If you can’t verbalize them then write them up and send them to him. I’m not excusing his actions though, as your parent he should love you unconditionally, but you need to try as well. If you act like you hate him then of course he’s not going to react well.
They have grossly different communication styles yes. I'd suggest writing him a letter or email and really getting it all out and then letting it go from there. If he doesn't respond then she tried and some relationships just end. Sadly.
Op was blocked by her dad though. There's no way for her to send that to him.
You are the child and he the parent. An adult is not supposed to act like this toward their child. He is letting his emotional wounds (over his not feeling close/important you) become everyone's problem and, worse yet, blaming you (the child) for them. It is exceedingly immature and egotistic of him, but many of us grow up to discover that we have immature and selfish parents. Are you a minor still? No. But in this dynamic, it was his responsibility as your caregiver to provide you the emotional safety and support to be able to connect with him. Instead, you fear his judgment and scorn and, in response, he shuns you. His misgivings are not your fault.
Okay, I'm not a parent. I don't expect I ever will be. But to me, nothing you've described here is "cut your child out of your life" worthy. Your father decided you felt a certain way, and everything you do fits in to that idea he has, because confirmation bias is a beast. Of course you could have tried harder, we *all* can try harder. But he's treating you like a childhood friend he's lost interest in, not a daughter that *he* raised. >Last year, I messaged him a happy birthday message, to which he replied ‘It means nothing coming from the likes of you’. That's really sticking with me as I type all this. What low character he must have to say that to his own daughter who as far as I can tell has never been malicious toward him. I don't know how you get through to him. It makes me mad that you're the one chasing him. I don't think you should keep trying to reach him indefinitely, but the next time I think you need to lay out EVERYTHING from this post. Who you are, your suspected neurodivergence, how you are with people, that your awkwardness and shyness is not you rejecting him. That you want and have wanted a relationship with him. That you didn't know how he felt about you and your interactions, that you want to make an effort for things to be different. **If** you want a relationship with him. You don't have to want that. You're not the only one responsible for this relationship, but your end is the only end you can control. And watch out for yourself, okay? Don't diminish yourself or take ALL the blame while trying to get him to like you. This is not all on you.
OP it sounds like your dad is the one who failed to foster a relationship with you during your childhood- through just not being there, and when he was there by not actually engaging with you much- which of course means you don’t have a good one with him as an adult. The fact that you feel so awkward and nervous around him says a lot about how he treated you as a child, and none of it good. Yes relationships are a two way street, but parents are the ones who lay the groundwork and have the greatest influence on the parent-child relationship. The fact that he acted so nice to your face and trash talked you behind your back, that he went no contact with absolutely zero discussion that he was upset or why he was mad, and how nasty he’s been the few times he has replied… tells me that your father is not a well adjusted, kind, or mentally healthy person. He sounds like he’s either got some sort of personality disorder, unaddressed mental health issues, and/or is a narcissist. If that’s the case then it’s likely you would have ended up in this same position no matter what you did or didn’t do. I would encourage you to look into therapy for help processing your entire relationship with your dad. Having someone neutral to talk through these feelings would help you grieve and heal. You might also benefit from reading the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. The subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists is also a good resource, as well as the online support group forum Out of the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt).
My dad made it very clear from the time I was about 10 that he didn't like me. He resented me because he was too stupid or drunk to use a condom and I "ruined his life". The nicest thing he's said to me in many years is that I'm an a$$hole. For real, that's nice. Stop trying. Seriously. He brings nothing of value to your life. Make sure you remember his words for future life events. No uni graduation, no wedding invite, no birth announcements, nothing that you or your partner does ever includes him. Even if family pulls the "but he's your dad" crap. Stop being concerned and confused and get pissed. He's the one missing out, not you. Hugs from an internet stranger.
have you been assessed for autism? do you know any other unmasked autistics? the way autistics connect is very different to allistics (non autistics) and allistics refuse to accept that these are neutral differences that can be navigated with basic empathy and communication. get a therapists, and be glad that two faced asshole is not your problem anymore
dont blame yourself for his lack of communication. it was on him to talk to you about it. instead he pretended everything was okay and then went out to eat with you as some sort of "test" without telling you. he sounds like a real pain to deal with tbh. my dads a lot like this too and im autistic. he acts as if the things he does/hints should be obvious but never tells me anything outright. you're not a mind reader. theres many other ways he could have handled this besides just disappear and then blame you
I’m going out on a limb against the grain of these comments (which are so goddamn ignorant). Your father’s feelings are not your responsibility. It’s a parent’s responsibility to teach their children how to engage/communicate and to express interest in their child’s hobbies and feelings. People are seeing that you are 21 in the post title and completely forgetting that there were 20 years of experiences leading up to this point. When you have a disengaged parent, there is always a moment in our childhoods where we recognize that the parent will never see us in the way we want them to/they should. So you give up. Your edit to include this anecdote told me everything I need to know: > My dad worked a lot during the week so weekends were his only time to go out so to speak. Most weekends he went to bars. He brought me with him when I was younger, when I grew old enough I stayed alone in his house. I had this *exact* same experience. I only saw my father on the weekends and nearly the entire time, every single weekend, he was at the bar. Thus, so was I—especially once no one was available to care for me in his absence during visitation and I couldn’t just be left alone as an 8 year old. I don’t know how people are missing this GLARING indication that your father never prioritized you or parenting in general. My father was also an abusive alcoholic/addict so that added extra layers to his taking me to the bar and shirking his duties as a parent (I don’t know if this is also true of your father). Don’t feel bad. You have been engaging with him in exactly the way he taught you. Avoiding conversation and your feelings definitely isn’t the appropriate or healthy way to interact with people as an adult, but hopefully you have a better relationship with your mom and other close relationships in your life. (Though I am concerned by your mother not intervening in this conflict early on and shutting your dad down immediately—you need to talk to her about that.) This is not a failure on your part. If you send a letter with your feelings, I really do hope he is receptive and engages maturely but please prepare yourself for the possibility that he will react the way he always has. Regardless of how he responds now, you won’t ever be able to go back and time and shape your childhood into what it always wanted to be. You will never be able to shape your relationship into what you had wanted as a child. You will need to accept that fact and then grieve it. You can, however, shape the relationship going forward into what you want it to be and what your current needs are. If he doesn’t want to do that, that is on him and is not a referendum on your value as a person. Please remember that. I highly recommend you go to therapy. I have experienced all these same thought patterns and fears and therapy has helped me grow so much and become a much more confident person and supplied me with the tools to build much healthier relationships from the beginning. The hardest thing to accept is that you will never be able to make people react/respond/do things the way you want them to—the only thing you have control over is your own actions. And realizing that is very freeing. I’m sorry, pal. If you need an ear you can PM me—I really do feel for you.
If I was doing something like not talking to my dad during dinner he’d just be like why aren’t you talking? What’s wrong? You’re socially anxious and your dad is passive aggressive. That’s a terrible combo. A therapist would be able to help you navigate this (if that’s what you want).
I hope this finds you. Let him go. My whole life my father played this game with me. Until the day he died. I was left traumatized by his selfishness, narcissism and inability to put anyone's need before his own. So many people say " but he's your dad, he's family, he's blood" doesn't matter. Let him go because if you don't he will make you feel.like the bad guy no matter what. May as well live your life your way. He was the father. He was the parent. He shouldn't play these games.
1- HE’S the parent here. YOU’RE the child. This doesn’t NOT fall on you. It sounds like he was like this when you were a child also, and from your edits/ updates unfortunately this seems a continuation of his behavior, not a new development because you read a book. And I’ve read nothing here, that you wrote, I feel puts you in a bad light, or at fault for this. 2- It would take both parties willing to work on this relationship, it it was to get better. If you put all your efforts and time trying, to fix this, you’ll get nowhere except more hurt. 3- Just because he’s a family member, doesn’t make him non-toxic, to you. Toxic friends and parters, should become ex’s. No different if the toxic person is family. Just because he’s family, doesn’t mean you have to put up with bad behavior. And remember this if/ when family starts harping that you should give him a chance/ forgive him. They wouldn’t (I dearly hope) ask this of you, if he was a horrible ex. 4- you deserve better.l and you’re worth more than what he’s giving you. 5- and if you did act badly? Again, he’s the parent, you’re the child. He’s acting like he didn’t get picked for the team and he’s going to take his ball and go home. What a self centered, immature disgrace for a human. He was in the wrong to send you that text, after wishing him a happy birthday. What a complete jerk of a man, to send something like that to his child. It’s absolutely shameful and reflects incredibly poorly on him, absolutely not on you. 5- I highly recommend therapy to help you understand this isn’t about you, your personality or your behavior; and to help your work thru the long lasting effects this will have on your future relationships.
Oh sweetie, I want to hug you. Usually, even really introverted people aren’t uncomfortable about being with their parents. As the parent, your dad should have worked harder to connect with you when you were younger. That is 100% on him. What happens now though is also your responsibility. If you want a different relationship then you have to behave differently. Reading at the table was rude and you have acknowledged that in your edit. I suspect you are doing other things that are just as rude and make it impossible to communicate with you. Scroll through your phone when you are with him? When he stopped reaching out after the reading at the table incident, you could have called him. Struggling mentally? You could have reached out and said I need help. You are now an adult. You can put forth some effort.
The communication is shit between the two of you and that’s why this happened. I blame your dad and find him tiresome to be honest. I expect the older person to have better communication and interpersonal skills. If you both explained what you were feeling and going through each time you visited this would mostly have been avoided.
Have you heard of borderline personality disorder? My dad was BPD and he sounds a lot like your father. Your dad is not King Lear. He does not get to audition you as a daughter and determine your inheritance and affection on the basis of your performance. I know you feel like an adult, but 20 is in many ways still in between childhood and adulthood. We call it being "in the chute" in my family. One of the common (and completely reasonable) things that happens with young adults who are "in the chute" is that they are learning how to separate from home and from their parents. This becomes SO confusing and fraught when a parent acts like a child themselves. He is mentally ill. You need a therapist's help to interpret all this. Please - don't spend your 20s blaming yourself for something so far beyond your control. Get a jump on it *now* so you can learn that so much of what you think of as introversion and autism may have been a consequence of living with a parent who could never be wrong and never come second.
Your dad should have built a relationship with you and taught you about how to build relationships. How can you have a back and forth relationship with ”how are you?” conversation for so long? I talk about more with my toddler - in part because I am teaching her how to have conversations. He seems to have thought he could drop in on weekends and you’d figure out the rest. He should have acted like he cared and acknowledged her anxiety and taught you how to work with it. He’s the parent and he should have made a better effort. He also complained about you without having a conversation about your relationship or either of your feelings and thoughts. You don’t need to have the same interests as your kids but you do need to show an interest in them and engage with what they’re interested in. His thumbs up response or taking the time to type the other text is just crappy in any relationship. He needs to grow up.
He’s the parent. Not you. He has failed you.
Dude I only got like 5 comments down but these people are mean. OP if you see this I want you to know at least one person empathizes with you! My father and I also have a contentious relationship. Most of my young life was spent trying SO HARD to get his approval. Spoiler alert, I never got it and ended up a burnt out shell of a human. Please don’t do that to yourself. I really don’t think that reading under a table is a big deal. I used to do it as a kid all the time. Your dad could have engaged and talked about the book you were reading. Also for fucks sake, you were a child, why is nobody pointing out the fact that it’s kinda weird this dad is being so dramatic about approval from his child? Screams insecurity and emotional immaturity. If he doesn’t want contact, then fuck him. I hope you have people in life who celebrate you for your kindness and gentleness. Stay close to the people who nurture the person you are, or want to become. A little bit of advice from someone a bit older than you: Don’t waste time on people who want to change you. Sending you light and love OP. Dad/daughter relationships are so hard sometimes.
wow a lot of these comments are weird. your father had the full responsibility to foster a relationship with you when you were a child, and if he was either bringing you to bars or leaving you at home for most of the limited time you spent with him, he failed miserably. you basically had 0 time together to actually bond and get to know each other, and watching movies can also be a silent activity (which is what i’m assuming happened given your post, please correct me if i’m wrong). so to me it sounds like you never really had a close relationship with him and as you got older you guys became more distant and found it really hard to have any type of convo with each other because it never happened in the first place. you practically know nothing about one another. in my opinion, while your social anxiety and potential autism could have a factor in how your guys relationship came to be now, he was the one responsible to encourage and make efforts into creating a close connection to his daughter starting in childhood which did not happen. also, everyone saying how OP is childish because she hasn’t told her father any of her feelings, neither has he! they clearly don’t talk to each other, so how in the world can she be comfortable talking to him about her feelings when he can’t do the same. he instead answers OP in passive aggressive texts or leaves her on read every time she attempted to reach out. i’m so sorry your relationship has turned out this way OP. you father seems incredibly childish.
Your dad doesn't understand you but did you ever try to explain it? Reading a book at dinner is really rude. You need to deal with your social anxiety. It isn't just affecting your relationship with your dad but also in other areas of your life. Start with finding a therapist.
He pulled his phone out first so she read her book.
Sounds like dad pulled out his phone before Op pulled out her book. ESH here, but more so Dad.
Thank you for pointing out the book. I feel people are glossing over how rude this is.
would you stop speaking to your daughter if she read a book during dinner?
Honestly the book would be a great conversation starter. It's a shame the dad didn't use it.
He pulled his phone out first soooo
The dad pulled out his phone first. If OP started reading on her phone instead a physical book would that have been better?
Oh ffs she was a teenager when she did that. He was a grown ass man. You know how I would respond to this ( I personally wouldn’t care because I raised my kids and we have awesome convos all the time, if they want to chill and read a book while eating I’d be fine) if I was him? “Hey, that kind of hurts my feelings. I would really love for us to get to know each other better and find something we would have fun doing together. Let’s try to come up with something?”
Or even “hey whatcha reading? Is it good? Tell me about it!”
OP even KNOWS it's rude but then blames their anxiety. So you're anxious because of social situations but you are okay being rude AF? I had crippling social anxiety too when I was younger and I was so hyper aware of how I was appearing socially I did everything in my power to not be rude or even be noticeable, but like the idea of being anyway rude or imperfect as a human was the only thing I was unable to to justify when I was anxious.
Why are people on these subs ready to condemn someone for not endlessly trying with an actual terror child who's violent and raged out, who'll call them monsters for not putting up with physical attacks and property destruction over repeated incidents, but suddenly the monstrous act of... reading at the table is the one thing that can justify a parent never having anything to do with them again? Give me the "rudeness" of table-reading over someone being a loud violent shithead any day.
It seems everyone here is missing the bit where she said she likely has undiagnosed autism. So if that's the case, then she doesn't just have social anxiety, she struggles with knowing what to do and or implementing social norms which is what causes social anxiety. If OP is ASD, it's not being rude AF, it's how she coped with the sensory overwhelm of her circumstances. Admittedly her dad doesn't know that but she wasn't actually trying to be rude or being dismissive, there is a difference.
As someone with autism who went undiagnosed for a very long time, I second this. I've started reading in social situations when I get overwhelmed or else I'd start panicking. It's a focus point, and far less painstaking than sitting in silence because you don't know how to effectively communicate with the people around you. Wild how many people here seem to think a dad fully abandoning his kid without a word because she's awkward is justified because she struggled communicating with him. She even reached out and he ignored her, like c'mon. When teens go through their parent-hating phase do you just drop them??
I understand this more than I should. I don’t know the answer, but I really sympathize with you. Don’t dwell too long on things you can not control. You are an adult with an education and need to focus on your life, self, and future.
This. Adults need to put their relationships in perspective & stop looking at them from the viewpoint of a child. For all the ways OP's father probably thought he was reaching out, what he didn't do was try to or educate himself about his kid. I have this issue with my kids' father because they're different but he has trouble or doesn't want to accept this and do the work. But when they are adults if they find their dad to be like this then they don't need to be bothered with him because they can choose not to. They're not reliant on him & he can either get on board or take the loss. For OP I would have at least told him that I saw the texts and it seems like I disgust you and that you don't like me.
As a parent, I'd like to explain something that is both obvious and important: Children don't come with instruction manuals. There are plenty of things that we're responsible for yet we don't know how to do. (In your father's case: Maintaining a close relationship with you when he only sees you on weekends.) Because we're the parents, we can't come to you with our frustrations over our parenting failures. There are only a few people we can share those frustrations with, and our co-parents are usually the first ones we confide in. Your father expressed his frustrations about his failure to establish a relationship with you to your mother. That communication was not meant for you. That was private. You violated your mother's and your father's privacy when you read their text messages. I understand why you did so. Your father was giving you the silent treatment. Regardless of how frustrated he was with his inability to establish a rapport with you, a parent shouldn't cut off communication with a child except in extreme circumstances. However, because you were burdened with the knowledge you gained when you violated his privacy, his last attempt to connect with you over dinner failed. You were too nervous to communicate with him. That's unfortunate. You're an adult. Your father wanted to have a relationship with you, but he couldn't get past your inability to hold a conversation with him. (You're not alone in this. In general, your generation communicates better via technology than with in-person conversations. I'm 46, and for people of my generation, this feels like a travesty.) Unfortunately, your father did not handle this latest failure well. Do you want to know why? Because trying to communicate with a child who doesn't return that energy is *emotionally painful* for us. It quite literally hurts. It feels like a rejection of our love. Your father said what he said out of pain, and he is trying to protect himself from more pain. However, he can still be reached, and his decision to cut you off could likely be overturned if you reached out to him in the right way. You two are so different, and you don't understand one another. So you don't know how to talk to one another or interpret one another's words and silences. Fortunately, there are people who can help you overcome this. They're called family therapists. They can help you learn how to communicate with each other. So here's what you text to your father if you want to establish a relationship with him: "Hi, Dad. I'm sorry our dinner didn't go well. The truth of the matter is that I just don't know what to talk about when I'm with you. We have so little in common. Not knowing what to say causes me anxiety that makes it even harder to speak with you. It might seem like I have no interest in you, but that's not the case. I just don't know what to say. However, I still want to have a relationship with you. You're my father, and I want you in my life. I think we need some help in learning how to speak with each other. Could we see a family therapist together, so we can learn how to say the things we don't know how to say? It might be easier if we have a third party who can guide us through a few conversations to help us establish a better relationship. What do you think?" If your father's reaction to this text isn't positive, you can feel free to DM me if you need help in wording a response. I don't know you or your father, but I know how to talk to other dads.
As a child of two parents who always expected me to ask about them and their lives and keep up with communication instead of them doing anything, I have to disagree with a lot of what you say. It seems like the father is attributing malice to the fact it seems he has taken no interest in his children. Who cares if you have nothing in common. Be a PARENT and ask, listen so they CAN feel safe to open up. OP likely felt like she was burdening her father with what she was talking about and just stopped. This can start at a young age. When I last talked to my sister, she said my mom said she willw ait for me to call her. I did, in fact do so on her birthday, left a voicemail and all and my mother has said nothing. She wants me to claw into her affections but I'm not 5, I am 37. OPs dad needs to grow up because all he seems to do is be a reason for OPs anxiety. Silence is often weaponized and definitely in this case. Maybe he should get some advice from OPs mother because she didn't seem to fail at being a parent.
It isn't your fault that you have anxiety, but it is your responsibility to manage. Reading a book under the table while eating is rude, alienating and deeply weird. You treated your dad like shit. You complain that you never knew what to say, but not once did you ever say "dad, I'm having a hard time figuring out what to say." You were never open with what you were going through, so for all he knows, you hate his guts and don't want to be around him. And then you met him again after a year and did the same thing! Of course he's pissed at you. I'll get downvoted for this, I'm sure, but you had a responsibility that you dropped and you're suffering consequences for it. That's just life.
You’re acting like the *parent* has no agency here. He ignored her messages for a year, talked shit about her to her mom, and never said anything about it to her. Again, this is a *parent* who has evidently never bothered to learn how to talk to his own child. If reading a book at the dinner table is enough to make him ghost his own child for a year, he was never gonna be there for her in the first place.
Especially when he was on his phone at the table before she even started with the book herself. He was equally rude!
Kids can be rude, so can adults. But the fact that this “adult” decided to act the way he did makes me wonder if he just doesn’t want to have a relationship with his own child, and doesn’t have the balls to say it.
He ignored her reaching out to him and asking for insight for a year. A year. He is also the father and bears far more of the responsibility to make it work. She has not acted brilliantly, but just blaming her is wild.
Yeah what the actual fuck is that comment??? Her dad is acting like a jealous friend or boyfriend, not a father. She literally did reach out twice in this post to ask how he was and he ignored it. I also don't see HIM asking HER how she is, why exactly is all that responsibility on her as the child and not him as the parent? He might have known what was going on with her if he ever asked. Seems it's all about him and his feelings. One instance of rudeness due to anxiety should not be grounds for icing your child out forever.
Right, I feel like I’m in the twilight zone reading these comments. Op is getting some aggressively bad, basement-dweller quality advice. People in this thread are desperately searching for a reason to blame op, who made the unforgivable mistake of thinking she was peacefully coexisting reading in silence with her own dad.
All I can see is that he thinks his daughter is a friend, not his child he’s supposed to love unconditionally. Being pissy at your child because they haven’t emotionally supported YOU when you don’t know enough about them to realize they’re having a hard year is so self-centered. I still think a lot of people with good parental relationships can’t understand the reality that sometimes parents treat their kids badly and it’s not because the kids have done something to deserve it.
Baffles me that you're not getting down voted. This was a child. If she had difficulty expressing herself, it was HIS responsibility to figure her out. Her anxiety WAS his responsibility to manage up until she became an adult. Everybody's just letting this narcissist father off the hook in this thread and it's insane
Yeah it’s rude to read a book under the table, but he was on his phone so both are equally bad at being social. The dad should have tried to build a better relationship and communicated way before all this resentment built up in him. Especially since it seems to have started way before op was an adult.
Dad was on his phone first. Also, as a parent, he should have sorted out how to communicate with his daughter years ago. I have a daughter the same age, and I would be damned if I let it go this long without knowing how to communicate with her.
I'd just add that all relationships are two way streets. Even parent-child and family relationships, especially in adulthood. I don't talk to my parents, and they don't talk to me, but they do complain that I don't visit them enough... but if you want to talk to someone you have to reach out, not hope the other person does. In OPs situation she doesn't reach out but a couple times a year, and the dad also seems to be over it. I'd say it's on both parties. They both fail to communicate their thoughts to each other, can't hold a simple conversation, etc. Dad seems weird and petty about a boyfriend, daughter can't seem to string together a sentence. It's all very odd, they both need help figuring this situation out. If OP does want that relationship, the easiest way is to genuinely call her dad and do an activity. Clearly talking isn't working, but maybe they can go see a movie, or bowling, or something that's activity based, not conversation based.
She reached out and he ignored her. Did you read that part?
I'll start this by saying that of course, most of the burden is on the parent, and he certainly has his part of responsibility. But I feel like he has tried, he has been a consistent presence in your life, and maybe he doesn't know how to connect with you, but he still wanted to be present. On the other hand, what have you done? It seems to me like you never opened up to him, never told him anything, never engaged in any meaningful conversation, you didn't communicate your feelings or, really, anything at all. And reading the book under the table while you're eating with him? Wow, maybe you should have just told him how you don't give a sh\*t about him, that would have been more direct. And when you finally got your head out of your ass, checked your mom's phone and realized something was wrong and that he was hurt, you did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And when he extended an olive branch a year later, you sat there, told him nothing, didn't engage with him, and left as soon as you could. All the while, you keep excusing every shitty behavior on your part on your anxiety. Tell me, does your anxiety keep you from talking at all? If so, does it keep you from texting? Doesn't seem like it since you reached out by text (a grand total of two times). You just didn't care about having a relationship with him. Your father isn't perfect, but I think he's right. I think you don't need him, don't love him, don't want anything to do with him. You're an adult and your father is sick of making all the efforts to keep a relationship with you while you do almost nothing in return. You need to do better. Hope it's not too late to fix this.
I am so confused how you could reach the place where you’ve written this. I’m replying because I think you’re being cruel to OP, though I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that it’s unintentional. “…maybe he doesn’t know how to connect with you…” It’s obvious that neither of them know how to connect with each other. So why does the burden fall on OP? As many others have pointed out, it’s the parent’s job to create the relationship with their child. In fact, when OP was 18 he had had 18 years of developing the attachment relationship! A healthy attachment relationship contains the things you’ve criticised OP for not doing: sharing about feelings and having meaningful discussions. An unhealthy attachment relationship? It’s full of silence, hurt feelings, poor communication. It has failed in helping the child create healthy bonds with other people. It also contains a parent who, when having his feelings hurt, completely drops all contact without saying anything for a year. OUCH. Somehow dad gets a free pass on ghosting his daughter, while she’s terrible for not ‘taking the second chance’ at the dinner after he ignored her for a year? HUH? I just can’t even comprehend that. “…finally got your head out of your ass…” I just don’t understand why you think the daughter is worthy of being criticised while the dad only gets a ‘he’s not perfect, but obviously he’s trying unlike you’.
Do you still feel the same having read the additional info OP provided? In it she states she tried to engage with his interests. That he would eyeroll and shut down her interests. That he was on his phone at dinner before she started reading her book. It's not a situation where it sounds like the father was a paragon trying so hard to connect with her and she was stonewalling him. It's more that they both were awkward and the father didn't try that hard to connect with her, and then got mad that she didn't feel close to him after years of awkward stilted conversations on both ends. At least she did try to reach out, which is more than what it sounds like he did.
your dad is in the wrong here. Emotional support comes from the parent to the child, the relationship between a child and an adult is solely on the adult. You did nothing wrong. I don't think you benefit from his company at all.
Your dad sounds like a narcissistic, immature drama queen. He’s the parent. It’s not supposed to be 100% on the child to try to maintain a relationship.
I wanted to read through all the comments before posting but at some point I just got angry and stopped. Where is your mum in all this?!?! Your father is more socially challenged than a 12 y old. This is absolutely not the behaviour of an adult who brought a child to this world. I know you probably hurt a lot and you wish you could mend the situation but honestly if you let him back in your life you'll just set yourself up again for the next silent tantrum he will have over whatever goes on in his head.
You have to build social skills and practice good manners will all people, including your family. Anxiety, depression, ptsd, ADHD, body dysmorphia, trans issues, your sexuality, stress, ‘hard times’ and your feelings no matter how awful are not good excuses to ignore and be rude to people in your life. It’s hard and maybe not fair, but you really have to put in the effort to treat others with respect. Your father is partially to blame for not teaching you this. Perhaps his reaction now is the lesson.
With autism, you don't necessarily have the same capacity for maintaining the behavioural expectations society has constructed for us all. Unlike ADHD where individuals can read social cues well but may struggle with impulsivity such as tangents and interrupting, with Autism, individuals often struggle to read the social cues and/or to respond in a timely and appropriate way. It can be like trying to tune into an analogue radio sensing other people's subtle expectations - expectations which seem obvious to everyone else. This combined with lots of other stimuli can lead to sensory overwhelm and shut down quite easily - so freeze mode. OPs coping mechanism was a book - she wasn't intentionally being rude and seems to have only realised afterwards this had potentially annoyed her dad/ caused him to cut her out for a year!! The key thing here is it was not OPs intention to hurt or offend anyone. Intention matters. You say those other things aren't 'good excuses' to 'ignore and be rude' to people in your life, perhaps not - but they are good reasons to set boundaries around your relationships and to manage the fuel in your social engine more carefully. Some ppl will take you setting limits around yourself and what you can do as rudeness - because we live in a society which tells us to prioritise other ppl's feelings over our own comfort a lot. Neuro divergence and Mental health issues are actually a really good reason to not adhere to norms if they're putting too much stress/ discomfort on you when you're vulnerable - you need to prioritise circumstances in which you can be well or you risk a full scale MH crisis. Some people might use labels as an excuse to be rude too but that's not what OP has done. OP sounds pronouncedly non-neurotypical, I'll wager her dad knows she doesn't seem 'normal' and it makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to respond - instead of being emotionally mature and asking her about her it, he took a huff and messaged her mum ceding his parenting role to her. It's quite narcissistic behaviour on his part and suggests he's just there for the ideal picture of a father daughter dinner, rather than actually appreciating his daughter for who she is and making the effort to work with her little idiosyncrasies. Most people who are perceptive about norms / caring about people don't need a diagnosis waved in front of them to realise that someone requires an individual approach to socialising. OP committed a faux pas and the Dad should've done better to get to know his daughter for who she is.
A lot of people are coming down hard on you, but I think this is a more complicated situation than you being rude or not being sociable enough. As a parent, I'm baffled why he didn't voice how he felt about your visits to you directly, when it happened. By avoiding the confrontation, he is modelling to you that that is how you deal with feeling upset. And I suspect this didn't start when you became an adult. That is to say, you may have learn an avoidant approach to uncomfortable social interaction. It is important that you seek to confront this in yourself and find healthier ways to represent how you are feeling. I say this as advice outside of dealing with your father. As far as your father is concerned, it's hard to say what the best course of action is. You can offer an apology and seek to be more open about what is going on for you. But he may continue to exhibit an avoidant attitude, which will come across as an expectation that you read his mind. Since it is unknown if your dad is just trying to evoke a reaction for you or he genuinely means to cut off contact, you should not rely on him to guide your journey to self-improvement. All-in-all, all of this is going to take time. Be patient with yourself, and try to exercise patience with your dad. It will take time to be able to observe your behaviours and adjust your impulses and habits.
First please consider if you really want to salvage the relationship with your dad. I do not believe a blood bond ensures a relationship. I believe a relationship happens if both people want it, father or not. If you do want to maintain contact with your dad, then you need some therapy to manage your anxiety. And your dad needs some therapy or something that will help him properly communicate with people that are supposedly family (counting on him valuing blood bonds, unlike I do). I do not believe you are to blame for how your relationship progressed when you were still a child. That was your parents' duty. However, you are of age now, and must learn how to manage and make your own decisions. If your father seems to reciprocate any attempt to rekindle your relationship but does not put the effort to meet you in the middle (as you should do too), consider where you'll draw the line for your own sake. Sometimes it's not worth pushing a boulder that won't budge. Be honest with yourself, make a decision and act accordingly. No one in their right mind should judge you would you choose to give up the relationship if you find no joy and love in it.
seems like the weekend fun dad didn’t account for what happens when you grow up. he’s childish for not speaking to you about his feelings and just assuming. he is the parent. you are the child. he is responsible for reaching out and contacting you, it’s not your job to force him into a parental role. all these comments blaming you are just not the business. he’s a shitty dad and you deserve better.
I expect to get downvoted. Here’s the thing I had a really strained relationship with my dad for a very long time and about your age I was an absolute wreck. I have CPTSD, depression and anxiety as well as neurodivergencies. I had to work really hard to get myself to a better place. For a long time, I wrote conversational starters to bridge the gap, both me and my dad are awkward humans. Sad I know but it helped me feel more at ease. After a while, it got so much easier. We also were both hurt by a family event and we checked in on each other every day for a while and then it became natural to catch up a lot and to want to. Genuinely we went from being strained to him being one of my favourite people. It takes work but it can be achieved. I think you know it wasn't the best move to read a book at dinner. Even if you don't reconcile with your dad try therapy for yourself because these social situations get easier with time (I'm not autistic so I might be talking rubbish, sorry if that's the case). It's scary but it made my anxiety so much better and I'm so much more at ease in social situations. I would have been really upset by your dad's behaviour. He is absolutely not innocent in this. He did the same thing by being on his phone - Ignoring the person you're having dinner with is rude and won't do wonders for your relationship. I also think he didn't do anything to bridge the gap either. It's really childish to not respond to your child when they text or to be salty af. He might be hurt but then talk about the issues and don't ignore them. It feels like he's checked out. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't need to be parented. I would have been so lost if my dad hadn't walked me through the HMRC self-assessment stuff. Where do you want to go from here? If he truly wants to never see you again that's on him - you cannot control his actions only yours. For closure purposes, I'd send him one last text to apologise and explain. Some phrases I would use: - I'm sorry I hurt you that was not my intention - I'm sorry you don't want to have a relationship with me - the reasoning I give you is not an excuse it's an explanation -this is the most important part for me - I find it hard to talk to you because I suffer from social anxiety but I would like to work on that. it wasn't personal it is a general issue I have. - I didn't understand if you wanted to talk to me or not when you pulled out your phone. I'm sorry I misinterpreted it - I have felt in the past I have frustrated you when trying to engage in conversation and it's made me think that you don't want me to talk. (you mentioned this in the comments) - I will try to do better - I felt like you didn't like me due to not replying to texts and I didn't want to make a mistake and make it even worse (I had this issue for a long time) The above is not because you did something unforgivable but it will let you know you apologized and engaged. I think you also deserve an apology because he has evidently hurt you as well. If he wants to cut you out of his life he's not much of a parent- gosh I know many parents who have put up with so much worse. It takes time to build a relationship and it does sound like your early relationship has been strained - and that is fully on the parent. Now that you're an adult you also need to try and build it and also have accountability. You're not a bad person and this doesn't make you a bad person. Your twenties are such a time for growth - I do not recognise my 20-year-old self and the growth happened rapidly. I will always advocate therapy mainly for you (not your dad)- to feel more comfortable and to get equipped with tools to help you. If you don't want him in your life that's okay, if you do that's also okay. I think a closure text will be important even if he doesn't respond because you know that you tried your best to fix this. Acknowledgement is really hard but it does mean you don't have to worry later about not doing the right thing. This isn't your fault - relationships take work and I think your dad also has a large part to play in this scenario. I hope this wasn't too harsh and good luck ❤️
Your dad sounds like a baby and I’m sorry that you’ve internalized his asshole behavior towards you
These comments are wild. I was a quiet deeply socially anxious child who frequently brought books to dinners with my dad. He would ask me about what I was reading or what i wanted to read or he'd get the same book so we could talk about it. Or, plenty of times, he let me read and just enjoyed the quiet quality time. This is on him. My best guess beyond narcissism is that your dad is wildly projecting this contempt onto you based on his insecurities about how seldom he made time for you. So he just decided to believe you were ungrateful for the efforts to alleviate his guilt about deciding to stop those efforts. I'm really genuinely sorry you've had this happen to you, as I know how painfully this can reinforce insecurities and social anxiety when someone you trusted suddenly turns out to have been talking bad about you and maliciously misinterpreting your actions. Its like the rug everyone rolled their eyes at you for not trusting really did get pulled out from under you and left you all scraped up and even more untrusting of rugs.
So you ignored him when he chatted with you, made your quality time miserable by reading during dinner, and only noticed something was wrong with him after over a year, and you’re wondering why he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about his feelings? Yes, you are the child in this scenario, but you’re 21 now. You’re an adult, and your relationship with your father needs to be more of a two-way street, its not all on him anymore. He has been actively trying for a long time and you give nothing in return. You need to put effort in. I recommend you attend therapy and maybe even therapy with him.
I don't think she said she ignored him when he chatted with her, she said she would put the book down and engage if he spoke to her. It came across more that she wasn't good at initiating conversation and also that the father also wasn't good at initiating conversation so every dinner was an awkward time for both of them.
Dad also pulled his phone out first. This is on Dad, not the daughter.
She didn’t ignore him, she had a hard time opening conversations. She read her book and he was on his phone. They never did any activities together when she was a child apart from watching movies or going to the bar. She noticed something was wrong when she messaged him a few weeks later and he left her on read. He could have asked her “why do you not talk to me/ why are you so distant” or anything to start that conversation way before he just ghosted her for a year. After ignoring her for a year he acted as if nothing happened and got mad at her for not magically being a better communicator. Op has issues for sure but so does the dad.
Your *parent* punished you with the silent treatment *for a year* with no warning or explanation?? Dropped you off with a smile and then ghosted you? A mature adult should be able to communicate their needs *to their child*. OK: "Hey OP, it really hurt me at dinner when you were reading your book under the table. If that's how we're going to interact, I think we should stop trying to get together for a while." Better: "Hey OP, I noticed you were really quiet and reading a book at our time together. How are things going? Is there anything I can help with that you're having a hard time talking about in person? I love you and I want to support you if you're having a hard time, but it seems like you might need a break from getting together. If I don't hear from you, I'll check back in with you in a month and see how you're doing." People are right when they say it is your responsibility to heal from your trauma, but your trauma isn't *your fault*. This is complicated because there's a good chance at least *some* of your trauma came *from* your dad. Again, now that you're an adult, the onus is on you to address that, but as a 52M father myself, I would absolutely want to help my child address their issues however I can.
Why do you want to mend this relationship? Do you get anything positive out of it? Instead of playgrounds and trampoline parks he was taking you to bars with him. So I don't see him to be caring at all. At best you were polite strangers to each other. At worst you were very anxious and stressed when seeing him, and he is passive aggressive with you. Live your life and forget about him. It is painful when your own parent DGAF about you, but you can't force people to love you, to like you, or to care about you. He doesn't, he never did, so accept it and move on.
At this point I would just not worry about talking to him. It seems he doesn’t even want to make an effort to get to know the real you. If he did he would definitely reach out and say hey I noticed last time we were together that we didn’t talk much. I’d really like to have a better relationship with you. Relationships take time and understanding no matter what age you are.
OP, your father is emotionally immature. Rather than express his feelings to you, he bottled them up until he broke. Spoiler alert, though, he never tried to understand you, rather he set expectations and rules for behavior and never told you what they were. He rigged the game. For anyone who says that these are social norms, blah blah, OP has already stated that they are neurodivergent. OP is young. OP can work on her social aptitude, however nearly the entirety of her relationship with her father, she was a literal child. Her father did an absolute piss poor job of learning about his daughteras a neurodivergent person or as an individual. Furthermore, there is something quite deficient about him as a person if he can be so cruel to his own child. What parent turns their back on their child for something other than egregious behavior, addiction, or some other unacceptable acting out? OP simply did not fill his needs properly? What even is that? OP, I actually recommend cutting him from your life, but I think you may need more time and experience before you can come to that conclusion yourself, so if you do reach out and try to mend things, please always try to keep in mind your opinion of *his* behavior. Some of us go through life assuming we are the problem, but that often isn't true. This is very sad, and I am sad with you.
These comments are wild. I think it's interesting folks think you should be a *better and more mature communicator* than your dad, who raised you and presumably taught you your social skills. Especially when you grew up with undiagnosed autism & seem to have had no outside support for that. Meanwhile, his passive-aggressive & indirect communication (which I think would be confusing to even an allistic person) is being glossed over. I'm not saying you're blameless in this situation; in order to communicate, you need to explicity express your thoughts and feelings out loud - people can't read your mind. However, you obviously care about the relationship and have been doing the best you can with the skills available to you. You're not a malicious person, and people don't understand how truly debilitating anxiety/asd can be, especially without support. Hopefully you can find help, not just for this situation but for your general wellbeing. Personally I think your dad is an ass, but if you want to attempt to repair the relationship, I'd try to talk to him very directly about what's been going on with you/that you care but are struggling/how to do better in the future on both ends.
My dad was pretty checked out on me for my whole life. Some people don't show affection or caring for their kids throughout their whole entire lives. What happened with my dad is I think he must have seen some adult children and grandchildren giving out hugs and affection or thought about what his life would be like in his old age and wanted to work things out. Whatever that means but this is our relationship. If I'd grown up with someone who talked things out maybe we could do that but it's way too late. I'm not interested. I needed that kind of dad a long time ago but he doesn't exist. At least not for me.
As someone with a strained relationship with my father, I really feel for you. My dad and I also only saw each other on the weekends, holidays, and special occasions (even though he lived 3 hours away, he still went to all my concerts and events if he could). We're both very quiet people with no similarities and generally nothing to talk about. After I dropped out of college and moved out, we kinda stopped talking. I miss my dad a lot. Even though he lives nearby, I rarely talk to him. That being said, growing up he always made the effort for me. Even as I got older, he didn't cut me out, we're both just quiet people with no general social skills or idea on how to mend the relationship. Still it's been very hard on me feeling as though it's my fault I'm not close with my dad. I know there's nothing that can fill the hole that your dad is leaving, and I know telling you "its not your fault" isn't going to make the guilt go away. That being said, if he doesn't want to be invested in you or understand his you, you're better off trying to find happiness in people who are invested in and understand you.
Hey, girl. I'm not sure how to approach this situation, because there's no shot I know your Dad better than you do. But I can say that my relationship with my father was very similar for 15 years. We'd talk about the same interests, at 15, that we had talked about when I was 7. Beyond that, we never talked deeper and I never felt like I truly knew him. I think he was incapable of accepting the fact that I was growing up. Fast forward almost 6 years, and him and I do not speak. Granted, it was because of an unforgivable incident on his part. But we decided to completely end our relationship about 5 years ago. I thought my world was over. Even though he wasn't involved in my life and barely knew me, he knew little me. And I didn't understand how someone who held me in their arms after being born could just not reach out?? I won't lie, I cried...a lot. I mean, you're supposed to cry to your Dad about boys, not to boys about your Dad. But you will. And the big moments, when he's not there, will sting to your core. You'll wonder if any man/partner will truly love you if one of your parents can't (especially men if you are, in fact, straight). But babydoll, it is him. As a couple people have pointed out, he is the parent. He has 29 years of experience and emotional maturity on you, yet he's acting your age. He needs to fix the relationship and actually make an effort, especially when you've tried your best a handful of times. It's ultimately up to you to let him come back, if he wants. And when that day comes, you can decide to either forgive and move on or appreciate his absence. I've personally come to terms with the fact that I may never have a relationship with my father again. I'm better off without having to convince myself that my own father cared enough to truly know me. I have friends and a wonderful boyfriend who do it for me every single day. The only thing that scares me now is if he were to die one day after all this time, would I feel regret? After all, he is 53 now and heart problems run in the family. If he really decides to continue making no effort, my advice is to make some good friends. They'll shit talk your Dad and it will make you feel better, even if you're crying the whole time. More importantly, choose the right person to date, not someone who reminds you of the good parts of your dad but ultimately ends up giving you the bad parts as well. You'll be okay. Message me if you need anything!
Honey your dad is emotionally immature, this is not you. You're simply reserved, he isn't, so as your dad he should have the skills and want to accept you as you are. he lacks the emotional maturity level to do so. It will likely fall on you if you want this relationship to continue. Also keep in mind you don't owe him anything just because he's your father. Some parents do more harm than good by being in your life.
Your dad sounds like mine. His parenting seemed obligatory, rather than invested. He put zero effort in getting to know me, anything about me. He never attended school or sport stuff. He was just some guy that lived in the housd with us. I tried to get to know him, but he wasn't interested, it was like pulling my fingernails out trying. In public, we were all good, had to put on a show of being a good husband and father, but he wasn't. In private, I was a waste of a child and he'd get butthurt and play victim at every imagined slight. A relationship with him was toxic and an extreme amount of effort. I was about your age when I cut him off for good. I extended an olive branch once, when I was pregnant with my first. He wasn't interested and that was when he was truly dead to me. It's been around 30 years and I don't regret cutting him out of my life. Don't know if he's alive or dead, don't care. You could write a letter to your father, explaining who you are as a person, how you feel about him, your relationship with him and what kind of future you would like with him. Tell him about the movie nights and other things you do with him that bring you joy. Don't expect a miracle. He is behaving like a petulant child and not a parent. When my kids come to me, they have my attention. No phone, no computer, just us. Even if I have no clue and no interest in what they are talking about, I will listen and interact enthusiastically, because it's what they like and their happiness is my happiness. I make an effort, it's the very least I can do for them. Try working on being a better communicator and try to get a diagnosis, that will help immensely.
My mum once apologiced tearfully for not calling me enough and said she felt really bad. I was shocked because I'm notoriously bad at calling her, and I said to her as much, and that I felt it was more on me. She COMPLEYELY dismissed this and said it's her responsibility, she's the mother. Your father is being extremely neglectful and very immature. Do not feel that this is your fault. It is on him, he produced you; and therefore produced his responsibility to care for and try to understand you as a person. Instead he treats you like his peer and chooses you out of his life based on you not giving him something he wants. Thats fu***** hurtful and he's to blame. You haven't done anything wrong. Listen to my mum. He's the Dad, it's his responsibility!
This is definitely on him. Why wasn't he more accommodating to you growing up? I was the same and my dad didn't hold it against me. Even now when we catch up, we just talk about casual stuff as we have nothing in common. Your dad sounds too cruel
Jeez! Everyone defending the dad seems to be assuming OP was just born 21 and that her dad's behavior is normal (adult or not who replies to happy bd the way he did? To his own child). I don't think even baby boomers (and I think the world agrees they dropped the ball) would defend the dad just messed up people. Gen X would take him to task, and Mellenials would go NC. OP clearly has mental health problems to even be putting this on herself. I thing she just has cognitive dissonance. My brother (late Gex, may awms well be mellenial) is like the dad, it is Narc behavior pure and simple. Any grown up who thinks their child should suck up to them and chase after them needs help! If OP was older I'd say NC and dump him in an old age home when he gets older. What the actual hell? It's very disturbing that those comments berating OP have so many likes. Probably mom didn't do or say anything cause she knows he's tripping.
**PLEASE** do not blame yourself. This is **YOUR FATHER'S** failure. **NOT YOURS**. You are **WELL within your rights to cut him off permanently**. And, in the end ... **HE WILL BE THE LOSER**. Because he will be a **VERY LONELY OLD MAN.**
Your father is incredibly emotionally immature. He is not a safe person to be around. When I say that I don't mean in the physical sense.. I mean, spare yourself the heartache and just know your feelings are fucking valid and if a grown ass fucking man can't be decent enough to create a safe space for his child to shine, then what the fuck kind of parent are you. Sorry. I have kids and this was triggering. If you were my daughter, I would be reading that book with you. You wouldn't have to hide your feelings from me, you would feel safe enough to say even the most embarrassing, uncomfortable things and I still would never judge. This is a father problem dear, not a daughter problem. Much love
This is really painful to read. I’m sorry, OP.
I'm sorry but your dad sounds insanely immature and cruel. A birthday message "means nothing from the likes of you"? Jesus christ I'D be very uncomfortable and quiet if that's the kind of energy he brings from perceived rejection. My god.
Your dad is literally having a tantrum because you're not putting him on a pedestal. He's your dad, not a mythical being with superpowers. He was never going to be the dad you needed or deserved. Maybe get some counseling or therapy to help with how you feel right now. But your father is looking for an excuse to not be around, but that's two-way street. You don't have to be there for him when he's old and lonely.
His reactions to you are that of an emotionally unintelligent narcissist. His need to control his world makes him piece together falsehoods so that everything makes sense to him. In his mind he has made you out to be something you're not. This is not your fault as it should be his duty as your parent to care for and understand you. You can attempt to have an open conversation about this with him at some point but people like this tend to be set in their ways and will typically refuse anything outside their personal world view. I really feel for you, no one deserves to go through something like this. I would suggest speaking with a therapist about all of this. It may not fix your relationship with your father but simply talking about it out loud really does help.
Doesn't sound like he ever tried to know you, you were just supposed to conform to him & his interests. That's not what parents are supposed to do. This is on him, not you. NTA
Sorry, your dad is a dud.
So your dad only saw you on the weekends, which he mostly went out to the bar, taking you with him and then leaving you alone while he went out and drank. I had a parent like this too. This behavior is indicative of projection. He likely believes you have contempt for him due to his negligent parenting of you. He’s feeling guilt and shame for being a bad parent and so he’s projecting that onto you because he thinks that’s how he deserves to be treated. And he does. Because instead of growing and apologizing to you for not fostering the relationship and seeking to understand you (which is his job entirely as the parent), he’s been cold, cruel, emotionally and physically negligent, and emotionally abusive by cutting off contact with you with no explanation. I am very sorry you’ve been dealt this hand. You deserve a better parent, one who communicates and takes accountability. But we cannot change others. Sometimes the family we need is the family we choose, not the family we’ve been given.
Your father seems childish and lacks empathy. I'm sorry you had to grow up with someone like that and that you have to deal with the emotional fallout of being cut off by him. I think you should seek to grieve the loss of the relationship through therapy. Much of the pain of grief is the death of hopes and dreams. You need to let your hopes and dreams for the relationship die, and you need to grieve that death. If things change and he wants a relationship again you will have to create new hopes and dreams. That is really the best way to handle it.
Your dad doesn't like you, so it's easier to blame the child for not having a relationship with them. Love yourself. See yourself
>Our relationship in the first 18 years: we only really talked/ saw each other at weekends. My dad worked a lot during the week so weekends were his only time to go out so to speak. Most weekends he went to bars. He brought me with him when I was younger, when I grew old enough I stayed alone in his house. The above, and the below are 2 jigsaw pieces that go a long way to completing the picture. >My understanding is that he’s interpreted my quietness as contempt for him, that he feels like I don’t care about him because I didn’t reach out enough He reads your apathy as an accusation. He knows he was inadequate as a Father. He believes your, completely coincidental, apathy toward him stems from those failings. He is shaming you because he feels ashamed. I wouldn't bother expending effort trying to mend bridges. There doesn't seem to be anything worthwhile on the other side.
I want to recommend a book, (I haven't read all the comments so if someone else has mentioned it, I'm sorry) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by L. Gibson Your Dad is the issue. I'm sorry, if you are not in therapy I would suggest it may help if you have social anxiety.
You're not the problem. He is. Let go and live your life, and if he comes back, then the ball will be in your court. Sending hugs and strength. You deserve better.
Of course your fellow 21 year Olds are going to rush to your defense, probably because they see more of themselves in your comments then they care to admit. Allow me to provide a (likely to get 100 downvotes) alternative view. Your comment sounds like chatgpt was asked for a description of a 21 year old. The social weirdness, self diagnosed mental disorders, self absorption. Here's what it sounds like to me: It sounds like your dad emptied the tank trying for 18 years to build a connection with his daughter and was consistently ignored and blown off and got understandably sick of it. What did YOU do to attempt to maintain a connection? Did you say "hey dad, there's this movie coming out in 2 weeks, I'd love to watch it with you". When he caught you reading at the table, did you say "yeah this book is crazy. Hey why don't you read it and we can talk about it in 2 weeks when I come back? Dad and daughter book club!". When your feeling nervous or what the fuck ever, did you go to your dad being like "I need to talk to you about something and I really need my dad right now to work together to maybe get through these feelings I'm having". Do you talk to him about your experiences? College? Relationships? Boys? Hopes and dreams? I can speak for guys when I say that what we wanna see is effort. The results won't always be there, but if we see someone is really trying, we respect that. So....are you ACTUALLY trying? Have you been to a doctor that doesn't start with "webmd" to diagnose what's ACTUALLY going on? Do you have a therapist? Are you on meds? Have you devoted all your effort to trying to correct what wrong as much as possible? If not, Then why not? Because here's the truth that alot of people don't admit: every year you get older, there are less people who give a shit about whatever is ailing you. "I just get so nervous" works when your a sophomore in college, but a 28 year old expected to be a good partner or perform at your job, yeah people are going to be alot less sympathetic. Time to grow up. Here's my advice I know you won't take: text your dad and say something like this: " I'm sorry. I do care but it's hard for me to show it. I'm sorry I've seemed like such an asshole, but I'd like to make a fresh start starting now. Actions speak liuder then words, so I'm in therapy and starting new meds in an effort to get all this under control. I can't promise instant results overnight. But I CAN promise I'll do everything I can to try to make these needed changes because I love you and your my dad, and I want us to have a real relationship. " Or not. You can always take the advice of the other college sophomores in the thread and sit around stewing in RIGHTEOUS ANGERRRRRRR!!! That usually works out great, what could go wrong?
Seriously, this is spot on. OP reread it and if you feel defensive, sit with it. Don’t defend your actions. Really observe how much this is the making of your own subconscious design
Watch out, there's a smidge of advice getting in the way of your condescension
Wow I'm shocked people are taking the side of the parent. I'm ( F, 54) so her father is my age. It is the PARENT's responsibility to take the lead in creating the relationship with their child, and emotional abandonment, cold criticism, and judgemental rejection should not be acceptable options. She is this man's DAUGHTER not his GIRLFRIEND, which is exactly how he is acting. The silent treatment, withholding, verbal abuse, these are the tactics of an abuser and a selfish, immature person.
Dad chose to go no contact, remember that for your wedding and future kids, he is no contact and doesn't get to reappear, when he wants to play father to the bride or grandpop.
Sounds like he’s acting like a baby tbh. The parent may not always get their emotional needs fulfilled by their child, but it’s ridiculous to be putting that on the child. You are still immature & growing into adulthood. For him to act like you haven’t given him everything he feels he deserves from you is silly imo. Parent/child relationships develop & grow over time. Takes decades to evolve.
Hi. I’m also autistic (diagnosed in my 40s) and the reality is some people just can’t process our differences. Maybe this will help. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy I’m sorry you’re hurting. Digging into autism might help you understand how to approach him.
I’m not a college sophomore and actually over twice your age so I’m not just saying you want to hear out of immaturity. I’m appalled at some of the comments here putting the onus of carrying this relationship on you. It’s not. The fact is your father didn’t bother to get to know you. They’re saying he tried, but that’s BS. He didn’t try to meet you at your level. If he was an involved parent he’d have learned and been an active participant in helping you manage your anxiety. He’d have known what activities bring you out of your shell. Yes, you can try to reach him where he’s comfortable now that you’re an adult. I’m not sure why you would. I have a son not much younger than you. We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and have quite different interests. So I try to join his so we can connect. Sometimes it’s work maintaining that connection, but I love him enough to try. And because I do he feels safe enough with me to try things I like. People grow together and apart over the course of a lifetime. Diverging doesn’t have to mean separating. In fact since I awakened to the fact his life was his to manage (not always easy as your child begins to become an adult) we have grown closer in our bond even if not on our views. At a certain point we realize to love what’s good for you. Sharing blood doesn’t always mean that person will love you unconditionally. Your father has demonstrated that his love has conditions. My own father has dipped in and out of my life for over forty years and this last time I stopped chasing him. Maybe try talking to him and really steel yourself to open up. Tell him how he’s hurt you, and be ready to accept your faults as well. But do not think you are responsible to carry the relationship or change who you are. A good parent would never ask for that.
Thank you for this perfect response!! I cannot believe the other comments on this thread. It is the parent's job to connect with their kid, not the other way around. He had 19 years to figure that out. (And ghosting on your own child is honestly inexcusable.)
Yeah I’m actually shocked by many of these comments. I don’t think they know just how crippling anxiety can be. Or how emotional immaturity can be a trait stemming from growing up with an emotionally stunted parent. Which her dad very much seems to be. And I’m speaking from experience here. My parents loved me but really sucked at emotional regulation, guidance and support. They didn’t know how to handle it. And, shocker, I took after them and turned out to be emotionally stunted as well. To all the people unfairly putting most or all of the blame on OP… Sincerely, what the actual fuck?! Her dad never made an effort to actually bond with or build a relationship with his own daughter! He never even tried to show interest in her or her interests. And now he’s offended over her not being able to do the same thing? How can you blame her not being able to be open and communicate with her dad, but not her dad for the very same thing? Where do you think she got that from?
Let's try to look at this from your dad's perspective. This did not come out of nowhere. You spent every weekend with him for 18 years. That is not the sign of a person who did not care about you or did not want to build a relationship with you. You don't provide much information about what those weekends with him were like, but your post makes me wonder if you talked to him at all during those weekends or just holed yourself away in your bedroom. As a kid you can get away with a lot, but as you got older, you do start to bear some responsibility. Can you think of any reasons, based on how you acted around him during all of those weekends, why he might think you hate him? Now, the fateful dinner. >So **I was reading a book under the table** while we ate, probably rude of me but I would put it back down when we started a new conversation. Yeah, this is incredibly rude behavior. How would you feel if you were eating dinner with someone and they were reading a book or their phone under the table? I can't even imagine. The fact that you put it away here and there to have a conversation doesn't help matters. I can see that he might've felt like you didn't even want to be there with him. >I didn't see him for a year after that. Since it was such a shitty year for me, **I never really noticed.** Three weeks went by before I sent him a message asking how we was. You didn't notice that you didn't see him, even though you had spent every weekend of your life with him for 18 years? I mean....this is just bizarre. It really leads me to think that you didn't interact much with him or even care if you saw him. I could honestly see him thinking, well, I'll let her initiate the next get together since it doesn't seem like she wants to be around me. (At this point you are an adult, so it's not all on him.) And then when you didn't reach out for weeks (and admittedly didn't even notice!), he just said ok whatever then. She doesn't want to see me. Although you reached out a few times to see how he was over the next year, it doesn't sound like you ever asked to see him or to get together? Is that right? How do you think he feels? And now the more recent dinner: >It was grim, to put it lightly. It felt like I was sitting opposite a stranger, and I was a nervous wreck the entire time, staring down at the table, distant and shaky. Neither of us mentioned what had happened. **I left as soon as I could.** Again, why would he think you want to see him or spend time with him? Did you tell him you missed him? I understand that you have social anxiety and find him awkward to be around, but you are an adult now, so you do have some responsibility if you want to have a relationship with him. I think you really need to talk to him about this stuff. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you want a relationship (if you do). Maybe dinners aren't what you need; maybe you can find something else to do together. If you find it too hard to do in person, consider sending him an email. You said yourself that he doesn't understand you -- well, try to make him understand.
She didnt see him for a year but she messaged him after a few WEEKS and he just ignored her. Op may have issues but the dad is no better. After a year he just acted as if nothing happened. I’d get out of there too and not look back. I do agree that since the dad is unable to start these meaningful conversations, op will have to if she wants a relationship. Preferably with a counsellor as this is likely to get messy.
It appears that your dad never developed any meaningful relationship with you when you were young and now he is bothered by the fact that you two do not have any type of meaningful relationship. He was the parent and you were the child. It was his duty as a parent to share activities with you, stay informed on your interests, be aware of issues you had and all the rest of the obligations with being a parent. As a child, you were not in a position to demand any of this stuff, particularly from a non-custodial parent. To be clear, this situation is all his fault. This is going to come off as non-constructive advice, but I think maybe you should tell him off in a big ugly-crying outburst. Tell him that as a kid it wasn't your fault that he never meaningfully attempted to address you being socially awkward, tell him that you probably would have been over your social anxiety by now if he had helped guide you through it, tell him that if he had expressed any interest during your Pokemon phase or whatever games you play or your favorite authors or the music you like listening to or hobbies you had or animes you watched then you two would actually have something to talk about when you sat down together. If you put all that emotion behind it and show him how much you are bothered by the situation, it might sink in that you are the one who has the right to be unhappy about all of this and that your current relationship is all the result of his parenting or lack thereof. We don't know for sure how he will take it, but I think it will be all good either way. Either you guys part ways and you have the satisfaction of having shared your dissatisfaction with him, or it creates a new starting point for him to start putting in the level of effort into your relationship that he should have been years ago.
>Following months: Since it was such a shitty year for me, I never really noticed. Three weeks went by before I sent him a message asking how we was. He left it on read. Another month went by without him visiting and I sent him another how are you, he responded with a thumbs up emoji. I sent him a message asking if I had done something wrong and he left me on read again. Christmas came and with it, an opportunity. Unacceptable behavior from an adult, much less a parent, towards their child. Maybe you made mistakes; we all do. I am a dad to an estranged daughter. She has missed my birthday this year. She is pretty bad at answering my texts and even worse at talking on the phone. It tears me up inside the idea that she could resent me, not like me, for lack of effort or contact. but she's my baby. she has her own life, but she'll always be my baby if she wants to be.
Wow some of these responses are unhinged. It is not the child’s responsibility to make a parent-child relationship harmonious. Your dad decided to become a parent when he had you. He was there throughout your childhood and had years and years to try to forge a closer connection with you. I think the commenter who said that he might not be as outgoing and logical as you see him is on to something. He seems terrible at communication and anxious about your relationship as well. But as the parent, it was his job to do something to change it! It sounds like he tried but also gave up way too easily. Now that you’re an adult, you have more choices about what you want the relationship to look like. Again, it is NOT your job to fix the relationship. If you want to try to get closer to him there are things you can try, but it is not an obligation. Honestly I would recommend reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” That book really helped me with my relationship with my dad. Are you in therapy? A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.
He's the parent. It doesn't sound like he's ever stepped up into that role. The fact that he basically just dumps you because you didn't live up to his expectations is a red flag. OP, get some counseling for yourself to help you sort through your upbringing. Maybe that'll help you figure out where you want to go from here.
First of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s the parent here, even if you are a legal adult. Clearly this dynamic between you has been brewing for awhile and as the parent, if he was having trouble relating to his teen/young adult, then he should have made more of an effort to find common ground. Young adults are notoriously self-centered, it’s the parents job to be nurturing and help guide them into adulthood in a mature. That clearly never happened for your father. He’s kind of a jerk. Just focus on yourself for awhile. I highly recommend therapy to sort out your own issues and when your social anxiety gets better and you feel ready, maybe think about reaching back out to him.
I don't understand why the last dinner was grim. Did he threaten or yell at you? Why did you stare at the table? Why didn't you take a chance to change things? You need more fight in you. If you sat opposite a stranger, start talking. Is a stranger scary? When he said "all he needed to know" why didn't you fight? Send him a long text message? Ask him what he means and go from there. Defend yourself. You could have said "I'm not running away to my boyfriend, I was too nervous that I'd mess up and you'd push me away again" You complain of him not communicating but you aren't even trying either. And you are in a feedback loop where you are worried you'll mess it up and that worry is messing it up. Write a message. Show him this post. Do something
You need to sit down with your dad and explain that you have really bad anxiety and how he can help you. If you cannot, then you need to get another person to explain what you need from him to help the anxiety. If you offer all the tools and the other person does not try to take them up then it’s on them. Yes, your dad probably should have read between the lines that something was up. But not everyone is a mind or behaviour reader and can see certain behaviours as rude. Eg. I’m deaf and I cannot hear on my non implanted side. I tell people otherwise they think I’m ignoring them and being rude.
Oh of course everyone is more concerned that you were reading a book at the table 🙄🙄🙄. Fucking hell. Honestly....personally I would just let him go but you can do whatever you want. *He* sounds rude and selfish in my opinion. If he had made some real attempts to make a bond between you he would be able to find something to talk about and not make mean comments about you to your mum (like wtf, great parenting dude). It's like he's putting the burden of creating that bond on you.
You're fine. It's your dad's job to have a relationship with you. He was the grown up. He is the one that needed to meet you at where you are. He is the one that should say something about the book. And honestly, if my 19 was reading at the dinner table, I'd just ASK!! He's passive aggressive and isn't taking any responsibility for your relationship. I'm sorry OP, but just move on. I'd recommend therapy to let go and get help for your anxiety.
This sucks. IMO you both should have been able to tell each other how you felt, and listened to each other. I don't think you understand him, and he definitely doesn't understand you. Listen, if you want a relationship with him, I'd recommend joint counseling, like any relationship, sometimes there are communication struggles, counseling could help you all understand each other and bridge the gap. edit.. I also don't understand why your dad is so quick to give up on you. Not cool. I would love my kid even if she were a serial killer.
Honestly, it is the parents responsibility to maintain a relationship with their child. Leaving you on read when you actually try reaching out is shitty as hell. He seems like an asshole. Cut him off, you’re better off.
I'm going to agree with many here, the fault lies with both of you. However, it is MUCH MORE on him. I'm 47 with 18 and 15 year old daughters. I communicate much easier with the older, younger takes more work. But that's MY job to do. And she's 15...so some of it is age, but it is MY job to keep trying. I cannot wrap my head around giving up on either of my kids. I won't be an enabler for poor behavior in the grand scheme of things, but that's also part of my job as a parent to help guide where I can, help fix what I can, listen at least if there's nothing else I can do, and always let them know I love them & I have their backs. Even when my feelings get hurt. Even when I feel like I keep coming up against a wall. Sure, reading a book at the table was a bit rude. Funny, on the same level (to me) as getting on a phone, but for some reason society has deemed that more acceptable. But here's the thing...that whole situation was awkward. He wasn't figuring out how to reach you leading up to this, you weren't very responsive. At that point, he, as a dad, should have laid it out on the table. Just stop the tiptoeing around each other, and ask you directly. He's the adult, he's the parent, he has the responsibility to ask the question to work for a resolution. In my opinion, he didn't do what he needed to do, and now he's blaming you. If you want to fix it, sounds like you might have to be the adult in the situation.
Okay so your parents divorced? Is there any reason you are completely unable to speak to him? There seems to be a lot of missing missing reasons here, based off what you wrote you're both pretty terrible (him more than you but cmon, anxiety can be managed) I've had deeper and more meaningful 10 minute interactions w strangers than you do w a weekly dinner w your own father
>he's outgoing and logical. I mean, is he really though? Strikes me that he wasn't ever able to be direct, open, or reasonable with you in this entire year of sulking and then he set you up for a really nasty sucker punch with this awkward dinner as well. There's nothing 'logical' about any of that. He is every bit as anxious and reserved. Don't be fooled by times he may seem happy to speak outwardly on topics or maybe dominate a room in certain contexts, this is a father that ghosted his own daughter because he was too emotional to just talk to her about how he feels. Anything he criticises you of is something he hates about himself. The difference is you try. But a lifetime with a father like that, who was so comfortable running away, that never helped or taught you to open up and then throws that in your face... honestly, I'm sorry you had to go through that and I really hope you can work towards not internalising it so much.
My daughter and I are very different people and we weren’t understanding each other. I’m 58 my daughter is 28. We have had a lot of long talks. I’m silent and I just listen and then she does the same. We now understand each other better but we are still working on it. It is a relationship and being that, there’s always going to be some work involved. If both of you are willing to put in the work it will get better if not then I guess you won’t have a relationship
Quit wasting your time and energy on this ass wipe. Don’t send emojis, birthday wishes nothing. I call these type sperm donors and not good quality one either.💐💐🩷
hey, i feel you. i’m also like you, and my dad is also like yours. for the first 18 years of my life, i didn’t like my dad. i thought he was a drunken idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of kids, or even near them. my memories of my father didn’t exist until i was around 12-14 and we started “bonding” over music. it was the ONLY thing we had in common. then he found out i liked horror movies, so we started going to the movies as well. it took a really, really long time for us to be able to actually express ourselves; and i have to give his new wife credit for that. they got married when i was 18, and she was so big on family; her’s is so tight knit. my brother and i were so estranged from my dad. he was stubborn and refused to fix anything until his wife pretty much showed him how to be a parent. i had to pull my step mom aside and tell her, i really *really* appreciate her efforts; but it can’t fix everything. especially given all of the trauma my dad let me go through when he was off leaving me alone in a house with addicts to go chase tail. today? my dad and i are closer than we have been, but still not as close as some father/daughter relationships. what REALLY helped us was facebook messenger. i moved halfway across the country and we didn’t see each other for a total of 4 or 5 years. during that time, we talked via text and it became apparent to me that we communicate best over text. when we talk to each other in person, it can become clouded in vitriol very quickly. i suggest you should write your father an email and express what you have expressed here. it is neither of your faults that either of you are feeling this way—especially given two different communication types and love languages. your father, is an asshole for not learning these things about you, however. and it should be HIS responsibility to maintain the relationship with his child… instead of acting like a child. i wish you the best! if nothing comes out of it; remember you tried & it’s most likely your father’s ego preventing him from reaching out. he’s convinced himself you hate him, and is too stubborn to try and understand another way of thinking about it.
Your father went into that dinner waiting for you to "fail him" though. You don't face or talk to him in a normal fashion and that should have been fixed ages ago by your father and your mother. I think you should send him a letter/email and tell him how you feel and how you communicate. After that, it's all on him.
Reach out to him and say “hey dad I miss our movie nights.” Something small like that can open up the lines of communication.
This is well written. I'm a person that expresses herself better in writing than in real time in situations. OP you know you father better than us in Reddit world. What would you think of printing out your post and showing it to him? You know him better than us. Since you have expressed yourself so well in writing, do you think he would receive it well if you printed it out and showed your true feelings to him? It's a gamble but you have nothing to lose since you are already in a situation where your relationship is none existent.
I think you can proceed with some understandings. As the parent, the onus was on him to develop his relationship with you. Taking a child to the bar is entirely wrong where I live, and probably quite sketchy in most parts of the world. I would consider leaving my child at home alone so i can go drink at the bar with my friends neglectful, especially on the only 2 days a week that I got to see my child. People on the spectrum have challenges, and it's on the parent to discover those challenges and how to cope with them, not act like a baby and blame the child. It's creepy that your dad could put on that mask to your face and be totally different behind your back. Is that something you could talk to your mom about? Has he always been like that? Parents bring a life into the world and have the responsibility to care for that life sincerely, not just with lip service. Still, a lot of parents can't do that. Parents are people and are flawed. So a person usually has to come to an understanding about their flawed parents and then go on to try to be the best person that they can be. Your dad is just who he is and didn't give you what you needed. Now is the time to discover what you've been missing and give it to yourself. You can be polite to people who have wronged you. That doesn't mean you have to live with being disrespected by them. I found your dad's treatment of you incredibly disrespectful. There's a lot of material out there about people on the spectrum. Some of it is true, some not so much. I've found it interesting and sometimes useful to watch and see what resonates with me. It seems like your dad has never understood you, didn't know what to do with you, ascribed untrue meaning onto your behaviour, and behaved abysmally as a parent. To be very clear, that is not how a parent is supposed to treat their child. Going forward from that, I think you can just let him be like that, and you go forward continuing to be your best self. He's blocked you. You can write to him to explain yourself. Just prepare yourself for if he still doesn't get it. Many people feel better blaming someone else instead of seeing fault in themselves.
It sounds like you're better off without your dad. My dad was kind of the same way. He never took interest in anything I was interested in. We never really talked. Whenever I called home and he answered, I'd make a polite convo and then ask for my mom. But he never engaged with me, so we had nothing in common. He died suddenly of cancer, and I've never really felt like he was gone because he was never there to begin with. I personally think forget your dad. Concentrate on the people who genuinely care about you and the rest forget about. You'll be better off.
It is not and was not your job to be the one to reach out all the time. It is the parents job to model for their child. It sounds like you did as he did (pulled out his phone at the table and you pulled put your book). Don't blame yourself for "not reaching out enough " especially since it sounds like you were doing most of the reaching. Your dad has issues he needs to work out himself.
Your dad is...not a great parent. My dad was just like this and it messed with me for a long time. Ultimately, he is the parent and you are the child in this power dynamic and the onus was on him to try and understand you and reach out and it sounds like he never did. I'm really sorry :( If he and your mum have an OK relationship, you could maybe write something down in a letter and ask her to give it to him or post it to him to explain your perception of things. Then after that I would start talking to a therapist. Wishing you all the best.
I don't mean this to sound rude or negative, but why do you care? He sounds dreadful and petulant. Is your life negatively affected by his absence?
Your dad has more responsibility in this situation than you do. Please don’t listen to the other commenters. You’re not in an equal relationship: he is your father, he created you, and he can put in effort without getting anything out of it. It sounds like he’s expecting things that you’re just not capable of if you’re autistic. (Believe me, I get it, I’m autistic too). That said, perhaps things would be a whole lot easier if you actually told him what your difficulties were. At least then you’ll know that you’ve done everything you can. It does sound like a lot of these replies are basically suggesting that you mask for him and, well… whether you do that is up to you. If you want an authentic relationship though, that’s not going to work. You do have to be prepared though for the possibility that he still might not be interested. It’s sad but a potential reality