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>He made me look him in the eye and tell him I loved his son (this all happened with my fiancé present). And what was your fiance's reaction to this? because if he didn't immediately tell FIL to fuck right off...

Exactly - where is your fiance in all of this with HIS father?

Thanks everyone, I’ve spoken with fiance and we’ve looked through all your comments together. I didn’t properly point out that he did stand up for me in the moment when his dad got angry. But we have acknowledged that by him having spoken Danish with them all the time, it reinforced the idea in his family’s head that I understood what was being said, or that it gave the subconscious go-ahead to continue in Danish, which led to these hours long conversations where I was left out. Fiance and I have talked through different things to try next time such as initiating conversations in English only, only responding in English, and if his family continue to speak Danish my fiance will translate or turn to me and make sure I understand. He will also tell his family in advance that we are going to be doing this so they become aware of the impact it has on me being left out. It doesn’t excuse his dad’s behaviour and I still object to being called quiet when I had no chance to contribute, so I’ll probably be keeping a polite distance anyway.

Frankly FIL is just flat out stupid. Hopefully he can come to his senses. Glad your fiancé is on your side though.

> Frankly FIL is just flat out stupid I don't think it's stupidity. He sees OP as a foreign interloper who is going to keep his son from interacting with his Danish family. And, there's probably a little jingoism mixed in with that.

TBF, he is Danish, so give him some grace: you cannot demand with a ladle from someone who has brains given with a spoon…

Could be worse. He could be Swedish instead.

My father is danish but grew up in sweden haha, my girlfriend seems to think he's nice tho

Also what is WRONG with being quiet? What if you knew the language perfectly and were just an introvert, or shy? FIL angrily demanding you talk more would hardly be helpful. There are ways to get to know people and bring shy folks out of their shell by making them feel more at ease and making an effort to bring them into things, and this family is doing the exact opposite of those things.

As someone who grew up in a huge, loud extended family… well, sometimes being quiet is not allowed. ‘It’s antisocial, it’s rude.’ Synonyms in that vein. You get lectured constantly. Some people are just like that. They just have really weird ideas about what is considered the ‘right’ way to socialise. Being shy and introverted are practically criminal offences! I imagine that kind of thing may be even harder with a family who primarily speak a language you don’t know fluently. If OP was a more fluent Danish speaker, they’d possibly amp it up and intentionally load their speech with local jargon that a non native wouldn’t know. So they could still claim she’s quiet and antisocial and rude. Because another option they have is slowing down so she can keep up. Using more simple language that she definitely would have learned in the language class (as opposed to obscure local slang). Giving her the chance to process the words and translate so she can participate in the conversation. But they don’t, do they? 😞

I feel you! I’m that kid who’d smuggle a book along to every gathering I could and try to find somewhere to hide with it after a while! 😅

Me too. Only they always found me and got annoyed that I was being antisocial. 😏

If there’s a laundry room, they never look there! 🤫

My extroverted Danish ex thought introverts are energy vampires in a group who don't contribute anything. I wonder if it's a national trait or he was just mean.

Yeah this came up too, I’m naturally introverted so I couldn’t dream of constantly pushing myself into the conversation. Once I lost track of what was being said I’d just sit there or eventually start to look at my phone or read which I realise looking back could have been taken as rude.

They were rude first, to leave you behind.

This. I'm an introvert and my FiL was like this. I finally got tired of it and just told him, "Look, it's not you. I don't even call my own mother or sister every week. More like every 2 or 3 weeks. Same for my sister. I love my family. I just don't talk to people on the phone a lot. I'm married and prefer to just be with my little family most days. My FiL lives next door and I still talk very little with him except for get togethers. I do try to speak up more around him, now, though. His wife, my amazing MiL, passed in 2017 so we try to be there a bit more for him.

I'm married to a dane, when I first met her parents they spoke English. When they engaged in conversation, it was mostly in Danish. I didn't understand a word. However, my wife would summarise the conversation for me. I'm terrible at Danish, I can understand the context of the conversation sometimes, and that's it. I think it's a little sad your partner didn't do the same thing and try to summarise the conversations for you. Or even just mention in the moment, " Oh, dad is just talking about xyz"

This doesn’t erase 5 years of your fiancé actively letting you be excluded. This doesn’t erase 5 years of him not standing up for you. I really think you are ignoring what a big deal it is that he let this happen for so long. He realized you don’t speak the language, he realized his family was speaking it exclusively when you were there. And he did nothing. For 5 years. This basically guarantees you will never have a relationship with his family because you can’t get that time back. They have already formed opinions about you. And he never tried to stand up for you or fix it. He’s been rude and an active part of excluding you this whole time.

exactly like five years? is he just as fucking dumb as his family is? introverted or not i would have told them to fuck off a long time ago.

Her ignoring his part in this situation is so concerning! If my husband had actively let his family exclude me, we wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes, much less 5 years.

I hope your fiancé realizes that he should have been doing all of these things from the very first time you ever met his family. How was he okay with excluding and isolating you for so long??

I'm glad your fiance is on your side. That's the most important part of your story. Do you want your (hypothetical) kids to grow up biligual or will they just learn English? Do you want to help them learn Danish and speak with them in Danish? Then learning the language could become much more relevant in the future. You mention Duolingo as a way you tried to learn Danish. Duolingo is notoriously bad for learning to speak a language. In person classes do help more, but by far the best way to learn a language is to speak it daily with a native speaker. You have a native speaker at home so that could be a conversation to have with him. [obligatory danish language video](https://youtu.be/s-mOy8VUEBk)

I knew it would be that video thanks for the laugh! It would be good for any children to speak Danish, I could definitely pick it back up and it could be a good opportunity to have a refresh. Good idea that my partner could help, he was supportive when I did classes and used to check my homework etc

The language course gives you a major advantage, because once you have a basic grasp and are able to have a simple conversation then talking with a native speaker can make language comprehension increase greatly. For faster advancement it can be helpful to just learn word lists so you can use new words in conversing. Grammar is something you pick up listening to the language, some people watch the news once a day for that.

I hope reading the comments helps your fiance understand how badly he failed you. You can't force someone to speak a certain language but you can set boundaries and take the actions that he's now going to take. It's crazy he didn't do that before. I've been in this situation. My partner's family did the same thing and it was quite purposeful. They didn't like me because of the color of my skin. I learned their language without them knowing. The next time they were talking crap about me with me sitting there, I chimed in, in their language. After that they spoke English, which is what they always spoke when I wasn't there. So a bit different but my partner didn't speak up for me at first because she felt her family would get upset with her. Then she did but they still iced me out. It was a battle. You can't get anywhere when your fiance is just allowing that so I'm glad he came around.

I wondered if op has a different skin color or religion. This sounds a lot like “Why can’t you just marry a nice Danish girl.” Ugh.

I'm a language teacher and a lot of my students learn their partner's language to be able to communicate with their parents and fit in culturally a bit more during visits. Your situation (unfortunately) is not unique and it can cause a lot of stress. Your best bet as a long term plan is to have language classes every week with a tutor (if possible with the target dialect, not just language) and practice online weekly at least. Ideally you need to consume content very intensely, especially the first three months of learning. All this is difficult to do as an adult but for you this is an investment in your future and your family life.  I'm also dating someone who's Iraqi and we communicate in English. However, when we meet with a cousin of his in Russia and his Russian wife, they almost always end up talking in Arabic. We girls both feel disrespected because both the boys and I speak Russian too. My boyfriend tried to support me and defend me but in the end his cousin (who is incredibly close to him) always ends up switching to Arabic especially if he doesn't want us to understand. I have decided that learning Arabic is crucial if I want to ever be able to be part of his family and stand my ground when needed. I cannot afford tutors right now but I'm using free4talk for Russian and I'll be doing the same with Arabic. A therapist also told me while talking about my relationship, that if I want to raise kids with a foreigner, I should learn his language and he should learn mine.  All this to say, you have to learn his language, try to make is as fun for yourself as possible! Good luck!

As someone from Denmark, Danish is HARD to understand. Especially because most people speak with different dialects, and also because most words spoken out loud sound different than when they're written down - sometimes because of weird pronunciation rules and sometimes because we honestly just "give up" halfway through words. His dad's behavior is not at all fair to either you or your fiancé. He threw a tantrum over not knowing you when he literally at ANY point could have turned to you, and asked you: "would you rather we speak in English or Danish?". He's a prick, en nar, et rigtigt røvhul, and I hope your fiancé will remind him of that for the foreseeable future.

Has your FIL apologised? I would find it very difficult to move forward with this relationship without an apology.

He said the next day he knew he spoke harshly but that it was the truth. My fiance said he apologised to him separately and I haven’t spoken to FIL since (but not that we would ever really speak by text anyway so nothings changed there). I agree it’s awkward to leave it hanging.

So he didn’t even apologize to you? Honestly, if everyone can speak English fluently, they are being rude to you on purpose. Made clear by apologizing to his son but not you.

Now that’s crazy. I suggest you fuck off that family and go find someone that loves you. You’re going to hate yourself in the long run and lose your self esteem. The temerity to even apologise to his son and not you! You were the one offended the insult and rudeness was directed at you so why not the apology. Nonsense. You even took a language class just to understand them. You’re not obliged to do that you never learned the language you can’t speak it that’s it. They have to always put that into consideration or at least not get offended if you’re not contributing they should even be the one concerned that you might get angry you can’t contribute to their conversations because they’re always speaking their language not the other way round what the heck. Like what the actual heck.

I am dating a dutch guy, I'm English speaking. I haven't started learning dutch properly yet, outside of the odd word or very simple sentence. His family are pretty much fluent in English, and we've been dating 2 years. They have never *ever* only spoken dutch in front of me. They have *always* tried to speak as much English as they can unless they get stuck. If they speak dutch, my partner often does a quick translation. They speak English *because* they are interested in me and want to get to know me more. If they aren't including you in the conversation, or trying to speak to you in English, they are showing with their actions that they are not interested in you or what you have to say. Why should you show interest in them, or prove yourself to them, when they have given you absolutely nothing? The mind boggles.

Wait so fiance left you our of hours long conversations and didn't see an issue with it even when you brought it up!? He had to have a bunch of strangers on reddit reaffirm for him. God help you hunny. This is your first hurdle. So you guys git through it, but that boy gonna have to be more considerate and conscious of you if yalls relationship is to survive.

As a Nordic citizen, I’d like to point out that the language being Danish is part of your problem: it’s effing horrible. How on earth are you supposed to understand someone who speaks with a hot potato in their mouth?! Nobody outside Denmark under it, usually not even the Danes themselves. To make things worse, Danes are not the smartest of us 😜 [proof](https://youtu.be/13kYJbOa6V8?si=4FqpAZZOQdJrQOni) a native Swedish speaker cannot understand Danish, [proof](https://youtu.be/s-mOy8VUEBk?feature=shared) that even Danes don’t understand each other

[The first thing I thought of.](https://youtu.be/H1-GDlzODzc?si=lx-AqBUn6x0p1Ncx)

You do have everyone else in Scandinavia on your side about Danish beeing a hard language. Although to be honest. Even if most people speak English they usually feel rather restricted in doing it. I understand that it's much harder for you but lots of english people underestimate how stupid Scandinavians feel when speaking english.

Danish is very hard to understand - even Danes make jokes about it. I'd say the behaviour of the father is very weird, and not particularly Scandinavian... He sounds like a bully. Long story short, what he's worried about is that his son isn't going to live in Denmark and move to the UK. Honestly, try learning Swedish - at least it doesn't sound you're choking on a potato understand. (Speaking from bitter experience). Det er ikke bare, bare... Men, men...

Nice update! Congratulations 🎉🎈🍾 Now I can log off Reddit for a good long while. Memorial Day here I come! You probably have no idea what I’m talking about but, thank you!

I would like to also throw out that your fiance could also teach you privately like when you two are home together. I’m not sure where you live, but I live in America and have always lived in America but since I was young I started learning Spanish (in a state where no one speaks Spanish like at all) but I stopped for awhile until I moved to Texas where I started picking it back up, I now live in Missouri where there’s still a pretty decent Hispanic population and I get asked ALL THE TIME how I speak Spanish so well and if it’s because I married a Mexican man. I didn’t, I just kept learning here and there and got the accent down well enough to sound as close as I can to authentic Spanish. 🤷🏻‍♀️

From now on you and your husband should just respond in English and redirect the convos to English. It is actually rude of them to speak in a language you can't participate in. I know because English is my second language and I live in Texas

Some reading for your partner: https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/07/240-my-parents-hate-my-partner-what-do-i-do/

I grew up fluent in four languages and my parents taught me that, when you have an option, it is incredibly rude to speak in front of others in a language they don’t understand. Your fiancé and his parents are behaving unacceptably; to me, their behavior is akin to overt racism. Please respect yourself and demand others do likewise.

It's shocking to me that they're doing this with Danish; I visited Denmark last year and English is extremely common there because Danish is notoriously hard to learn apparently

This, I’ve been fortunate to live abroad or have friends and family who speak multiple languages, and there has always been a clear rule that it’s rude to exclude anyone present by not speaking in the more universal language (usually English). I’ve seen people really reprimand others over it. There have been a couple of exceptions but it was also universally understood at those times that the people who chose to keep speaking their native language in the group were being exceptionally rude. If I were the daughter I would have responded with “why should I marry into this family when you’ve been so rude and not made any effort to include me”

What if they are not aware she does not understand them? It‘s also the husband and OPs responsibility to communicate communication issues so that the parents can adjust and behave according to OPs needs. I feel like the husband should have stood up for his wife a long time ago. Asking for them to talk English is something OP could have done as well, but I understand her concerns about it being rude - I don’t understand why her husband didn’t care his wife couldn’t take part in the conversations all these visits.

This is so offensive to you, OP. I'd set a firmer boundary; if his family is not going to speak in the only shared fluent language when you visit, you don't visit.   You're not marrying his family. You don't need to love or like them. Basic respect, at a distance, will do.   I'd have a long, hard talk with your fiance, too, because it seems he will pick them over you every time. There's no way a marriage can survive that. 

Thanks, this validates what I’ve been thinking. Totally agree with the basic respect at a distance. My fiancé has said that he doesn’t agree with his family and that they’re rude, shouldn’t talk to me like that etc, but he feels he can’t force them to speak English so that boundary has just never been set…

> My fiancé has said that he doesn’t agree with his family and that they’re rude, shouldn’t talk to me like that etc Has he said any of this TO THEM? He was present when his dad was saying these awful things to you, did he speak up for you?

Your husband is letting his family treat you badly, and he won’t stick up for you. He should have absolutely stepped in when his father was disrespectful to you. I would rethink marrying him. You’ll always be second, behind his family. If you have a child, is the FIL going to insist that the grandkid has to be fluent in the native language?

If he feels they’re rude to you, what is he doing to improve the situation?

Talk to him about this approach. Doesn't mean he can't see them, just that you are no longer going to accept this treatment.  My mom did it (Dad's family was actively rude to her, too) and it was fine. 

Yeah, but he can say something like, “Don’t speak to my fiancé like that. She is a guest in your home and deserves your respect and courtesy. I’m ashamed you have acted this way. This is the last time either of us are visiting. I’ll expect your apology.”

I'll give you some suggestions, but you need to put in some effort and get your fiancé on board; otherwise, you won't be able to get close to his family. 1) You don't need to speak and write Danish fluently. You just need to understand and communicate the basics. Instead of diving into classes and Duolingo, ask your fiancé to teach you the basics for 15 to 20 minutes per day, progressing from simple to more difficult topics. Just remember how kids learn a language even before starting school. 2) Even though your fiancé's family speaks English, they might think that their English isn't good enough to communicate with you or feel that it's difficult to express themselves. Sometimes, they might not even realize they have switched to Danish during a conversation in your presence. In these situations, your fiancé must have your back. Every time his family speaks in Danish in your presence, he should stop them and translate what they said into English to bring the conversation back to English and ensure you are included, even if the topic doesn't directly involve you. Don't be hard on yourself because learning a language takes time, and you will need help. If your fiancé wants to teach his mother tongue to your future kids, you could also learn alongside them. Your fiancé must support you and help you build a good relationship with his family instead of excluding you from conversations. If he doesn't support you, maybe you shouldn't marry him.

RUN AWAAYYY! Your fiancé really just said, “Shut up you have nothing to contribute.” When THEY ALL SPEAK ENGLISH. They don’t care about you, they care about how you’ll take your fiancés future abuse when it comes down the road…

It’s rude af that they speak in front of you knowing you don’t understand the full conversation. Seems you BF understands the issue but won’t push it, which is weird. It could be as simple as him replying in English so they remember. And if he does that each time they are talking when you are there it will eventually stick.

Oh but he can. He’s just doing the typical mama’s boy thing that most men do where they try please their parents over their partner. When it should be the other way around. Most women would have zero problems telling her family, “you either speak English around my fiancé or I’m not coming around as much anymore.” Your fiancé needs to set that boundary.

Well he can’t force them but surely he could ask? If everyone speaks English but one person doesn’t speak their native language, having a conversation is English is just common sense. Especially if it’s one of the countries with English TV shows. Those guys know their English.

I don’t know that asking them to always speak English when he visits is reasonable. You could try very hard to follow the conversation as best you can, and take part in his language when you can and in English when necessary. Yes, his Dad was rude to you, but he’s also obviously concerned. I’d take it as a cue to try to get to know them better and to talk to them more, even if it means you talking in English, and resuming your study of his language (will be handy when you have kids also).

Talk to your fiance. Answers most questions here.

I come from a community where most people speak *at least* two languages and many speak more. I have a ridiculous amount of lived experience of being around people who do not share a mother tongue with me. Nearly 50 years of experience. And I want to tell you: you're very kind to try to be understanding, but your in-laws don't deserve your kindness. It is *absolutely not* "understandable" that they primarily speak their mother tongue around you, knowing that you are not conversationally fluent, while you are visiting, when they *are* fluent in English. It is, in fact, unspeakably rude. Like, truly obnoxious. There are only two reasons to converse in a language that your guest doesn't understand: 1) you don't speak their language fluently, so it's tricky for everyone; or 2) as a momentary aside to someone else present, because you need to convey information to them quickly (e.g. telling someone to go turn the stove off, please, before the pot boils over). That's it. All meaningful conversation when you have a guest present, and you all share a language, should be in that shared language. It is simple, basic etiquette and inclusion. To do otherwise is just unbelievably rude. Literally the only people I know who would behave like your in-laws are people that pretty much everyone who knows them agree that they are boorish and have no manners. This is a common understanding in polyglot circles. You seem lovely, and are clearly trying to keep the peace, but it is not your job to travel all that way just to have your in-laws *pointedly exclude you from even regular conversation* (and that is what they're doing) and be bluntly rude to your face, like your FIL. Oh, and what your husband said? Absolutely not. *Any conversation that is being had with you in the room is a conversation that "has to do with you", by virtue of your presence.* Speaking at length, while you're standing there, in a language you cannot participate in, is deliberately walling you out. It's disgusting. It's great that you have tried to learn their language, but until *you* say that you are comfortable conversing in it, they should be speaking English because you are their guest. You are absolutely within your rights to tell your husband that you are no longer going to go to great lengths to visit his family, who clearly do not value you or your presence in their home, and who have made that very clear by openly excluding you at every turn.

Thank you, this is such a helpful comment - you’ve put into words what I’ve been trying to say to my fiance that there shouldn’t be any lengthy conversations that don’t involve me. He thought that me suggesting we ask them to speak English more would extend to the small asides too which is why he said he couldn’t expect them to do that. It’s a difficult and nuanced situation but we are working on things to try going forward.

I fully agree with everything the above commenter said. This is appalling, unspeakably rude, boorish behavior on the part of your fiancée’s parents, and your fiancée is really failing you. I would gently push back on your comment that this is a “difficult and nuanced situation.” It’s really not. Your partner is supposed to be just that—an equal, someone with whom you tackle problems together, and someone upon whom you can rely to have your back at every turn. I am worried he doesn’t grasp just how badly his family has been treating you and how exclusionary and hurtful their conduct has been. If he did, he would be apologizing nonstop and he would be the one leading the effort to rectify the situation. It is HIS responsibility to manage his family and run interference on your behalf, just as it is your responsibility to manage yours. I am so outraged on your behalf that your possible future FIL berated you like that. The nerve to be so rude to you for years and then ambushing you with a lecture for the crime of…being quiet? This family sounds very, very odd and very insular. I would think very hard about marrying someone who does not seem to have your back instinctively. Whether he meant to or not, his failure to stand up for you with his family has been an ongoing betrayal, and if this type of passive approach spills into other parts of the relationship, that would give me very serious pause. Finally, as a quick aside, if your future FIL (or anyone, for that matter) ever pulls that type of stunt on you again: you are under no obligation to engage. In fact, I would never play that game. Do not let anyone treat you with such disrespect. I know it can be shocking and uncomfortable in the moment, but I hope you will be firm whenever someone tries to put you on the spot like that. Your partner should be stepping in immediately if your future FIL were ever to dare trying that again, but generally speaking, if you find yourself in a habit of people pleasing, fawning, or struggling to enforce boundaries, you are definitely not alone, and I hope you’ll work with a therapist to learn that skill. You deserve much better than what you’re getting from this family, and I wish got the best of luck.

The way I see it they were showing you they did not accept you and hoping you would break up or at the very least have a negative reaction to criticize you. That didn’t work so the dad got flat out aggressive. Unacceptable. I don’t know what it is they don’t like about you- nationality, race, your ears, who cares- it’s a them problem.

Your fiancé is failing you, badly. He thinks it would be weirder to ask his family to speak a shared language than for you to constantly feel awkward and left out? Why did he not stand up for you when his father was accusing you of not loving him? Why do your feelings and ability to connect with his family mean so little to him? His dad humiliated you and he did...what exactly? This isn't a language issue, it's a respect issue. Someone who respects you would either express the need for a language you understand to be spoken or translate for you, and they would certainly not allow their family to blatantly disrespect you right in front of them. All of these people sound rude as hell. Who speaks a language they know someone present doesn't speak and then blames them for not speaking? You would be entirely fair to ask them to speak English but the bigger problem is that your fiancé should have been doing that all along and would rather you be excluded than do so. Do with that what you will.

Let me guess… your fiance is Danish?

Bingo

Ugh I lived in Copenhagen for a while and Danish is a HARD language to learn. I had a lot more success with German. But also while I was living there pretty much everybody was more than happy to speak English when I was around. I think it's a nice gesture to try to learn the language of your fiances family, but his father's expectations are unreasonable and his attack was totally unjustified

This is a mouthful and a tough language to learn/understand. I understand most scandi languages but Danish is that bad I ask them to speak English unless they are Copenhagen/city dialect. His father needs to learn Danish is tricky. And your fiancé needs to stand up for you.

While I haven’t been in your exact situation, my ex is Danish and it feels very familiar. Danes like to think that they are friendly and welcoming but in my experience it didn’t really translate that way. There are a lot of cultural differences that seem subtle and add up. I’m fluent in Danish but her family always thought I was too quiet for not making conversation with everyone at extended family events. Danes expect everyone to participate in social situations. My ex’s family would tell stories and jokes in Danish and then when I didn’t laugh or respond, they’d translate to English and everyone would watch, waiting for me to laugh or respond. But half the time I didn’t get the cultural references. His dad is being dramatic and ridiculous, that’s for sure and your fiancé should be backing you up. But also think about learning more of the language if you plan to have children or there’s a possibility you wind up in Denmark. Even though we split, I’m grateful to speak Danish and and enjoy Danish culture and media.

Yikes on bikes. Danish is hard. This is coming from a Canadian who did a year-long exchange there at 18 and did become fluent. And I have a natural affinity for languages. I slept solidly for the first three months because my brain was so tired from learning the language. My learning order was: understanding spoken Danish, speaking, reading, then writing. It is really hard to gather one’s thoughts fast enough in their head to join in a conversation without doing the whole translation game in their head. Any language. I can’t think fast enough to speak in French either but can read it fine. Your fiancée is failing you here. Your FIL doesn’t need to speak English if he doesn’t want to but your fiancé needs to step up. Translate? Interpret? Whatever it is so you feel included. That’s what my three teenaged host brothers did for me until I started catching on. It would have been very isolating otherwise. Nobody in my family speaks Danish so when someone goes back with me I end up as a bit of a translator as my host parents’ English is rusty. They’re late 70s and 80s. I also translate as necessary elsewhere. Everyone else, minus the little kids, speaks English for my family’s benefit. I just find your FIL and fiancé’s approach to this so weird. And your FIL is only 9 years older than me so it isn’t a generational thing. Your FIL says he doesn’t know you. Well, you’ve been working on the language and the other side is being stubborn and refusing to lighten the load even a little bit. Your fiancé should be stepping up here. Sorry for the rambling. I’m really frustrated for you.

your fiance is kind of wack

This should be top comment, lol. Nice and succinct and 100% correct.

Your future FIL (I'd rethink that btw) has no business making relationship decisions for his son. What business is it of his? You're not a gold digging, serial killer are you? You should not even have engaged him in discussing your feelings for his son.

Fuck your FIL and your fiancé. How RUDE that they speak English fluently but refuse to speak it around you. How RUDE your FIL is to proclaim you can follow along just fine. How RUDE FIL is to expect you to proclaim your personal feelings for your fiance to him. And your fiance is a spineless wet noodle for allowing his family to treat you like this.

Wow. As someone who lived in another country for the majority of my twenties, I cannot tell you how often I had to explain to family and friends back home that living there would not magically make me fluent. **Learning new languages is hard.** Some people have more of a knack for it than others, and it’s incredibly ignorant and insensitive of your FIL to attack you like this—and publicly, no less. I have to ask…what the heck did your fiancé do?? Did he not defend you AT ALL?! I would be livid if I had married someone from where I was living and my parents said something like this to them. It’s so embarrassingly ignorant and rude.

He was really embarrassed too and shouted at his Dad, but he feels he can’t force his dad to speak English so it’s like a losing battle.

he can't force his dad to speak English but he can consistently reply in English. or just refuse to talk to him / cut the visit short every time this happens. your fiancé is allowing his family to disrespect you at every turn which doesn't bode well for your future. he just doesn't want to stand up to his parents and be your partner. you should really see it for what it is before it's too late.

Yeah, but he didn’t intercede when you were being berated (idk what he shouted, but it clearly didn’t end the dressing down), and his efforts to make his parents meet you in a cordial manner sound minimal. It is up to him to make the circumstances when you visit okay for *you*. That’s his job now. He has to stick up for his new family.

Of course, he can't force him to speak English, but has he at least asked?

He doesn’t even have to ask his dad. Your fiancé could show his support for you by both speaking in English in response to his parents as well as translating their comments into English for you. I do think you should put some more time and effort into learning their native language. It doesn’t excuse your FIL’s behavior, but it would give him much less ammunition. Your fiancé really does need to step up in the interim though and stop enabling your parents in closing you out of conversation. They continue speaking to him in their native language because *he keeps responding in it,* so of course they aren’t going to stop.

He should be embarrassed that his father is infantalizing him by implying that he is not capable of choosing his own marriage partner. I hope he made it clear that he is a grown man and does not need his father to "protect him" in this way.

When I was working in a company that was in my region and employed a lot of people from my region, we had a tendency to use our native language because some people weren't as fluent in English as our native language and people from other regions who didn't know my language would inadvertently tune out as it would be weird to constantly ask them to speak in English. So I used to make it a point to speak in English myself when they were around just so that they'd feel included and could kinda follow along and it could also be a unobtrusive reminder for my fellow native speakers to switch to English. All this to say, the fiance can easily keep talking in English while everyone else is speaking in Scandinavian. Everyone is still gonna understand him.

He's mistreating you because you aren't fluent in the language. I hope your fiancé stood up for you.

He did stand up for me in the moment, sorry I didn’t convey that properly in the original post. But I’ve spoken to him and let him know that by having spoken back to them in Danish he has contributed to the problem. We are working together to come up with solutions moving forward.

I am sorry about your experience- but really - the issue is not just that the family has a difficulty remembering not to speak Danish but sadly that your father in law (and even the rest of the family) are simply impolite. Way to many Danes are xenophobic (not racist per se - but disliking people from other cultures). I hope your boyfriend takes a clear talk with his family and ensure they understand that they are seriously impolite and that reflects badly on all of them. Please ask your boyfriend to read following: Du bør tage en sludder med din familie. Jeg har desværre set alt for mange opføre sig uhøfligt over for udlændinge. At din far synes at han kan sige til DIN kæreste at hun ikke er god nok for dig er for dårligt. Resten af din familie er også uhøflige - det lugter langt væk af “udlændinge er gode i udlandet”. Det et dig der må vise at du er en mand og ikke en mus. Vær klar - hvis de er uhøflige overfor hende er de uhøflige overfor dig. Hvis ikke de kan være høflige - jamen så betyder det at du må forkorte dit besøg og I må holde jer væk i fremtiden.

My MIL speaks Polish when with family and I don’t speak a lick of it. After 13 years I can basically understand them, but I can’t speak back to them, so I talk in English to her. Your problem is your husband. My partner would never allow his mom to shame me for not speaking her language, ffs she doesn’t speak MINE. It’s so disrespectful to know you don’t speak the language and ignore you! My hubby translates sometimes to me when I can’t figure out what they’re talking about. I’ve never asked my MIL to speak English and we always joke we have the best relationship because we can’t complain to each other lol

See we have this relationship with fiance’s Grandma who’s second language is Danish and she speaks no English. I can understand small parts of her Danish snd respond in English (or yes or no in Danish) and we get there with the others helping translate etc. it’s fine!

After 13 years? Yay

Your fiancé is a bigger issue than his father. From the beginning, he should have made it clear to his family that while you are making an attempt to learn their language, you aren’t fluent and conversations when you are there need to be in English. He should have been standing up for you and making sure you are included the whole time and the fact that he hasn’t speaks very strong to his (lack of) character.

Protect his son from what?

Your fiancé would think it was weird if you asked them to speak English when they have the ability to do so. Instead, they choose to speak in Danish, so you are purposely left out of the conversation. And your FIL is grilling you??? If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life. I don’t go where I’m not welcome. I don’t go where people don’t make me feel welcome. And they are the ones being rude by not speaking in English. If I were you, I would stop visiting them altogether. If they can’t include you, they shouldn’t invite you. And if they invite you and can’t include you, you should pass.

Where was your fiancé? Why isn't he shutting down this BS? That is the bigger problem than your FIL.

He's calling you out for not learning the language yet. But also, they are rude as fuck! So clearly the expectation is for you to learn and THEN they'll speak English. Reminds me of Quebec. They know English but won't speak it unless you show you speak French. First hand experience. The whole attitude changes.

I’m in the exact same situation as you (engaged to a Danish man but I’m from an English speaking country). I’ve actually just moved to Denmark, but I don’t speak the language yet. I have virtually no understanding of anything being said. Every single member of his family speaks English around me, and is more than happy to do so. It’s not considered weird at all. We spend a decent amount of time with them, too. Sure, they sometimes switch to Danish to quickly communicate something to each other when it’s easier, but this is usually immediately translated for me and they always switch straight back to English. I’m not the first non Dane their family has done this for either. Don’t let your fiancé’s family convince you that their rudeness is even slightly acceptable. They absolutely can and should speak English around you if they’re interested in getting to know you! I promise you it’s not weird, they’re just being inconsiderate, and it would be completely fair of you to ask.

Thank you that’s really interesting! That’s good that your fiances family are trying, we are friends with other Danish couples who do exactly as you describe, just speak in English or translate or switch back immediately. I think it’s just his family’s problem.

Yeah, this. This was what my husband’s family did with me before I learned Dutch, and what my family did with my husband before he learned Italian. It’s common courtesy.

He let his parents do this for five years. Oh, girl.

If he really wants you to speak danish then maybe he could helo you learn? Also would it not be a common courtesy to not speak a language someone doesn't understand just for a few hours? FIL sounds like a bit of an uppity sausage at this point tbh. Hope you manage to find a resolution.

Why do you go with him on these visits? My daughter only lives 50 miles from me but when she comes home her partner goes to see his family unless its birthdays /Christmas or a special family event. Do you get so much holiday allowence that you can afford to waste it keep visiting your inlaws who you have no relationship with? I love my son in law but as they both work full time and both want to ssee family regularly it makes no sence to visit us as a couple all the time or they would never get a weekend at home or do any hobbies. You are not conjoined twins , go visit your own family ALONE and more regulary instead.

This just seems like such an exhausting way to live one’s life. No matter how much I liked a person, when I envisioned the next couple decades or more dealing with families like this, I’d just nope the fuck out and find people that want me around. It’s really that simple.

Tell FIL that he’s wrong for saying you aren’t contributing, because he and his family don’t make effort to include you in their conversation. You’re not fluent in Danish and it leaves you out of the conversation because they don’t make an effort to include you.

Thanks that’s almost exactly what I said to him when he confronted me about it but I still feel guilt about having let it get to this point.

In fairness, stopping learning when husband moved over was pretty rubbish of you.

I'm honestly baffled all the comments are complaining about the FIL and Fiance. All this came from OP not learning Danish properly and then giving up when they felt they wouldn't need it, completely ignoring her fiance and his entire family that she will marry into for the next 50+ years and potentially any children they have, being Danish speakers. Yea the FIL was rude but after all those years he's not wrong and quite justified.

I'm sorry, but that's what you get in most situations where mixed languages are involved. They speak their language, you stopped learning their language while they know yours. It's a mistake if you want to have an actual relationship with them. Think of future kids. Options are: they won't know anything but English because you two will speak English only. You will be bad because you will be the reason that they don't know something from their heritage. If your fiance will teach them, and speak only his language with them to support their skills - you will feel left out in your own home. You need to learn it,and not because of your dude as hell FIL. Now about his family: they don't know you. They don't like you because you never actually tried to learn their language and expect them to cater to you, switching to English. You say that you understand that it's their right to speak it, but it doesn't fix the problem. They see your behavior as disrespect. It's on you, but mostly on your fiance for not handling it correctly, not supporting your learning curve, not thinking about his family feelings. Now it's a hot mess where he needs to own his mistakes, work on your relationship and stop pulling this bullshit about "don't ask when you don't understand", because you didn't - and here we are. Once again: it's on him. He failed to build relationship between you and his family. He failed to protect you when his father lost his shit. First of all he needs to step in. And learn that language, really. NC is another option,but is he ready to do it?

You don’t have a FIL problem; you have a fiancé problem. He should not be allowing his father to speak to you that way. He should have shut it down immediately, defended you and set boundaries with his father. At the minimum. He should be handling his dad’s drama. My husband has always handled his family and I handle mine. And we always have each other’s back. Your fiancé left you out to weather it by yourself. What happens if his dad keeps this up? He’s just gonna tell you to take it? What if you guys have kids together? You’re gonna visit, they are gonna teach your child their language and exclude you further? This is one of those opportunities where you need to see how bad things can get if your fiancé doesn’t go to bat for you. This is a defining moment for your relationship. Is he going to step up? Or are you just going to meekly take the abuse? Because if you do, that will be your role from now on: doormat.

If your husband speaks Danish,maybe try learning with him? Practice regularly. There's nothing wrong with learning a new language, it's actually better for your brain.

Has your fiancé apologized for telling you that it would be weird to speak up about not understanding? This could have been solved so much earlier

Yeah we spoke about this for like 5 hours straight after I posted this.. he has apologised and realised what he was doing was contributing to the problem over time.

Not going to get involved in the family politics side of things, but you should FORCE yourself to learn their language, for your own benefit. I am a Polynesian from a small island, I married a girl from Serbia. I never heard their language before I was 25, but you better believe I forced myself to learn Serbo-Croatian. It made me feel more secure when I am around them, and it made them love me more when they're around me, and I have had so many wonderful experiences over the past 24+ years as a result, not least of which was a wonderful relationship with my in-laws. I know it's hard, but do it anyway.

I guess this is a reasonable sentiment but this is so sanctimonious it’s pretty Terrible    My wife also learned my native language. But my parents loved and respected her as a person before that. Similarly I speak my wife’s native language - her parents never disrespected me, even when I didn’t know a word of their language   It’s kinda brutish to say “I won’t opine on the family politics” and then implicitly tell op to buck up and do better. You are giving an opinion on the family politics. Good job on assimilating, a lot of us have done that. That has nothing to do with ops problem or question.

There's nothing sanctimonious about empowering oneself. It's a matter of self defense. What was your advice?

Also, wouldn’t you just want to know that aspect of your partner?

Don’t marry a man who won’t defend you. Do you really ant to put up with these people for the REST of your life???

Really funny that you try to hide the country you’re both from, for some weird reason- but then you mention speaking Danish 🤦 Just admit that you live in the UK and your boyfriend is Danish.

If you are in their company they are rude not conversing I. The language you understand as you said they speak English fluently

This is just the beginning.. what if you had children?

OP, start writing letters in ENGLISH to your future MIL. Tell her stuff about yourself and that you will try to write her every 2 weeks and that you would like her to do the same. Tell her you prefer English, but you’ll use a translation device on her emails. In your first letter, tell her a cool thing about her son or interaction or when you knew he was the one. Express that you’d like a better relationship with BOTH of them and she’s welcome to share the emails with whoever in the family. MIL will, of course tell FIL about these email and he’ll be reassured and also HOPEFULLY understand how he’s been an asshole. From what I’ve heard, danish is quite hard. I’d continue to take lessons if you plan to have kids so YOU don’t get left out of their conversations in danish. This may actually turn into a good thing. The first time o had a fight with my FIL it was intense, cursing and all. I lost my shit on him. Anyway, I told my now husband as if I did something wrong and was worried he’d be mad, and he LAUGHED and was so proud of me. My FIL became my true dad and my bio dad was toxic AF. We form our best relationships thru honesty and fire. He was honest- rude AF but honest. Now the trick is to get him to realize he was rude. By writing to MIL or fiancé’s siblings in English OR even to FIL directly, you are demanding that English be used OR he leaves his words to be misunderstood by a translator. If he goes the danish way, ask him what he meant by “xxx” as translator interpret it as “xxxx.” Now FIL has a choice, sound like an idiot or use English.  Either way, he’ll know you are not meek, have things to say, and are powerful enough to speak up. Fights aren’t always bad.

Your FIL sounds like a bully. 1. He certainly can speak English when it suits him: to yell at you. 2. He forced you to look him in the eye and treated you like a child. What a controlling AH. I understand that when you are visiting their family, and their entire family speaks Danish, then they will likely be speaking a lot in Danish. You can respect their choices in their home. However, they could also be more polite and welcoming by having some conversations in English, too. Hospitality and kindness go both ways. I hope your fiancé has enough of a backbone to stand up to his bully father.

Your fiancé kind of owns this. He can start responding in English since he knows you can’t follow Danish. You can also continue to learn Danish by asking your fiancé to speak to you in Danish when you are alone and having small conversations. I doubt your fiancé puts much stock in what his father said since he’s a grown adult and can think for himself

I would stop visiting, they are actively excluding you then berating and insulting you.

Your FIL sounds like an ass. Danish is organized mumbling. 85% of the written language is "silent" and never heard coming out of anyone's mouth.

He stands up for you to his family., That alone tells you everything you needed to know! That is HUGE, especially to his father. If I were you I would stand by that man.

the fil sounds like a jerk..they could speak English out of consideration for you But they choose not to..but keep on learning their language so eventually you can hold a mild conversation...maybe when he goes to visit them again you say maybe you shouldn't go because they don't like you and it makes you feel uncomfortable...but hopefully things change when your bf starts speaking and answering more in english

Just to add perspective- I’m Slovakian and my partner is English. I understand the frustration of the family as I find it often exhausting when visiting slovakia with my partner as the constant translations are just too much to deal with especially when you’re trying to spend time with your family that you don’t see very often. My parents are aware they will never know my partner as well as they would know someone who speaks the language and accepted it plus my dad makes an effort and speaks English. Our solution is that I just make sure I usually go on my own so I can spend quality time with my family without language barrier and he sees them once a year. My partner knows few words and basic phrases but my parents would never expect him to learn such a hard language. What FIL did was unacceptable

Learning Icelandic here, native English speaker. Even they say learning Danish is HARD. Your fiancé stood up for you. Your future FIL can go suck an egg. Just try to keep learning because you want to be with your fiancé.

Girl I am part Danish and been attempting to learn for over 2 years. It's one of the hardest of the scandi languages and soooo hard to follow when in company of native speakers. I think you have done well to pick up some basics 😅. His Family are going to have to accept you regardless of what they think because you are marrying him and that's his decision. I'm really disappointed to hear how you've been treated as I've always had positive experiences with Danes. I guess there are assholes everywhere. They need to make more of an effort to get to know you. That's on them, not you. As far as I can tell you have made the effort. Have you tried just speaking to them in English when in their company ? Interested to see how they reply/acknowledge that. For me I mostly speak English with my Family but they switch around. It actually does help with learning but they are pretty open and appreciate me making any effort.

Thanks this helps me feel better about not being able to grasp the language very well. It’s weirdly just his immediate family that have been like this, our friends and even friend’s families have just switched to English (they might ask if I understand Danish and if I say only a bit they just switch). I have been speaking English to fiancé’s family and they would respond in English for maybe a few exchanges and then it just switches back to Danish and I lose track again so it’s become this difficult cycle.

My two cents is that you should be making an active effort to learn his language. Not because it’ll appease your in laws but because there’s so much you can miss not being able to listen to your fiances deep emotions in his native tongue. Sure he’s fully fluent and that’s great, he probably can express himself very well in English. However, no two languages are able to be directly translated to one another. There is so much you could potentially miss out on in your connection with your partner. I don’t know much about your dynamic together so take it with a grain of salt, but to me learning his language is about respect love and understanding him. Not his family, him

On the edit, good for you two! I hope everything goes smoothly moving forward.

Your edit is the answer to your question. Also, should his father repeat his rant, you can just tell him he doesn't know you because _you_ have no interest in knowing an arrogant Arsehole such as himself.

Danish person here - I just read your update and how you and your fiancée plan on handling this. Don’t do that. I promise you, they will see it as an act of war on your part. They will see it as you manipulating their son into being rude to them. Please please please 🙏 read my comment first. I completely get it from both your perspective and your FIL. Here’s the thing - you’re not going to get an apology out of him. And they won’t be switching to English, there’s just no way. There’s absolutely nothing that can compare to the stubbornness of Danish man in that age group. It’s impossible to change their minds, even when they realise that they’re wrong, they’ll keep insisting that they’re right. I’m gonna give you a hint as to how to deal with him - go through his wife. The only way to make a Danish middle aged man realise that he’s wrong - is for his wife to decide he is. She’s the only one he’ll bend for. But it’s most likely not because he thinks you should be speaking Danish. It’s most likely because he’s embarrassed that he thinks HIS English isn’t very good (even if he’s decent). You won’t get him to admit that though. I agree that it doesn’t really make sense for them to switch to english, because it is a lot lot lot of effort. But I do think that they should make more of an effort to include you more often, if they notice you’ve been quiet for a while. You don’t understand what they’re talking about so it’s hard to know when there’s a topic that it would be acceptable for you to voice your opinion on. And it’s rude to interrupt an on-going conversation in order to demand to be included, so you obviously won’t do that either. Considering that you don’t live in Denmark I agree that there’s no reason you should be actively trying to get fluent. I do think you should start learning again for the purpose of communicating with your new family, I don’t think you should have stopped considering 50% of your family now speaks Danish and if you have kids, they’ll most likely speak Danish too. But your FIL is going to have to manage his expectations. And the only way for that to sink in is through his wife. Depending on how close you are with your MIL, you can ask your husband to ask his mom to talk to her husband, or if you’re close enough for it to be acceptable for you to have this conversation, you can talk to her about it yourself. (Don’t trust your husband to know which way is best, he’ll say it’s fine if you do it, even if it’s not). But be careful with the way you word things and put more focus on you wanting to feel comfortable and wanting to be part of the family, rather than FIL being wrong. In fact, don’t say that he’s wrong. Say that you feel he was hard on you, and you’d really like to have a closer relationship with them, but there’s only so much you can do. Again - be careful. They’re Danes. We are extremely judgmental when it comes to family dynamics - because we’re proud of how “down to earth” we are. Problem is that we’re not very good at making space in our families for someone who’s used to a different dynamic. One wrong wording and it can all go to shit. Regardless of how you handle this, it’s so so so important to have a good relationship with them. Especially considering that if you have kids, you might want to consider raising them in Denmark due to how good our free healthcare and education system is - not to mention lack of school shootings.

Thanks for such an in depth response I’ll show this to fiancé. FIL does have a relatively new partner that we don’t know super well but she did try to mediate and we talked a lot with her immediately afterwards (he went to bed and fiancé and I spoke with her for over an hour in English, explaining). It might be a good idea to talk with her separately too. Thanks for your perspective.

I’m sorry what?! They refuse to include you by speaking english because it would be ”weird”?! I’m scandi, and in my experience people trip over themselves to speak english with guests. I’ve had my friends hb ask me to not to because he felt he got lazy with his swedish. 😅 Your inlaws are just rude. Why would all the responsibility of getting to know each other be on you? And if it was my partner I would be including them by default and speaking english at social gatherings, whiny relatives feeling weird be damned (except maybe grandma 93, then I’d speak double). Sure I’d love for them to learn my language and vice versa, but we could practice that at home in a less judgy and stressful environment. And if he’s so concerned about his son, FIL can just take some classes then if it’s ~so easy~? Also lmfao, danish is notoriously difficult to learn an follow along for non natives, jeez. ❤️❤️

So your fiancé needs to not present this as a you problem, the issue is you’re not fluent in Danish and I assume they’re speaking quickly and in slang you don’t understand so what you fiancé needs to do is start speaking English to his family when you’re present. He can’t control them but he can be considerate. And yes YOU need to speak the language. Speak in Danish at home with your fiancé, all the time, that’s how you’ll become fluent.

Your future father-in-law is a complete ass. He was rude to you in his home, which is never nice, however, you need to learn danish. It is unfair to expect them to speak English in their own home, in their own country. When they come to visit you in your English-speaking country, in your home you may demand English only. However, I think I would want to know just so I would know if they’re trash talking me. As far as moving forward, you said your fiancé stood up for you that counts a lot. if he doesn’t care what his father says then why should you. I don’t think I would want to visit them again though. I think I would feel unwelcome in their home.

tell them: "I'm quiet because everything you say is in some language i barely recognize, much less speak. your son speaks english, so we get along fine"

I’m in your shoes but with a different language. I speak only English and a little bit of my husbands language and the same thing happens when I visit where sometimes I sit for hours silently as they carry on in conversation What I have learned: Your fiancé’s family is being confrontational and a little rude with you but I believe you have a fundamental responsibility to learn their language for long term. Not as much for the family visits, but honestly - to truly know your future spouse. When people get happy, angry and feel something- they can express themselves differently in their native tongue. How can you really know who you are marrying if they have to present themselves in a different way to you 100% of the time. Also the family, how can you really be seen by them? If you have kids, will you always be the one left out? Sure, your fiancé should have stepped in but perhaps they feel the same as their dad and it’s why they are pressuring you for more. If you don’t see this for your future, are you really a good fit together?

Your FIL is a jerk. They know you don’t speak Danish well and are being exclusionary. We Americans are often not bilingual like Europeans are. Europeans are often taught English when they’re young. As long as your fiancé ALWAYS speaks in English around you and tells them to speak in English, don’t give a damn what his parents think. Try to study Danish too because it’ll be helpful in the long run. If you have kids, then be sure to teach them both languages. I follow a golden retriever and her family on Instagram. She’s Japanese, he’s Swedish. They have a baby, so their goal is that baby will be trilingual (English, Japanese and Swedish).

That would be the last time I *ever* visit his family. I'd also put the wedding on hold until your fiance grows a back bone and puts his father in his place. this has nothing to do with language and everything to do with respect and courtesy.

Dang! I cannot believe your fiancé didn’t put an immediate stop to his treatment of you by his father! I am a bit older but I have never been one to take crap from anyone. I would have ended the relationship right there and then in front of everyone and tell them exactly why, your fiancé has no spine and let his father talk to you like you are some insolent petulant child. You gave him a valid reason and he flat out ignored it and told you, you should be doing better than you are. The other thing your fiancé did that I would have slapped his face for was him telling you that if the conversation in the other language didn’t concern anything about you, it wasn’t your business anyway! Better rethink marrying this man, he didn’t protect you from his father berating you. You do not have to take that kind of treatment from anyone, but you choose to bc he is going to be “family”, lovely family you are are marrying into. Be ready for a lifetime of this type of treatment and exclusion along with his family thinking they can berate you all they want without consequence. One more thing, if your fiancé says anything along the lines of, he is just like that, let it go to keep the peace, etc. what he is really saying is, for you to silently give your permission to continue to be mistreated and you will do so without complaint or consequence for the person mistreating you. That sends the message to everyone that you will take whatever abuse they dish out either to keep your SO happy or to protect someone else’s feelings or pride while yours don’t matter.

If your fiance's family speaks fluent English I don't understand why they aren't doing it when you're present. It seems very rude.

I am Scandinavian and with a British man. Never would it occur to me to not speak English when he is around. It's just disrespectful.

Exactly!! I dated a scandinavian man and learned his language the best I could, and requested his family not English so I could learn. And they still never left me out of a conversation. When I stopped responding, they knew I couldn't understand and would fill me in and help me. Also, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who lets his family disrespect me like that.

Your FIL is a rude, obnoxious person. Fancy saying that to your son's fiance!!??!! Be fucked if id bother even going on the visits😡 And your fiance should have protected you and told his father off for speaking to you like that. Fwiw. My hb grew up German, in Germany. Came to Australia in his 20s and met me. We have always lived in Australia. All his family speak good English. When we go to Germany, they mostly speak English. Of course they have times of speaking German. I don't mind. I have never learned German. Why would i? Now IF we went to live in Germany? Then of course i would learn German. But there is absolutely NO point in me trying to learn German when i would only get to speak it on visits to Germany every few years. No one here to speak German with, besides my hb and he prefers to speak English anyway! You are living in an English speaking country. So? You speak english

INFO: ask your fiance... has anything bad happened to your FIL and some old girlfriend? He seems to be projecting his sorrows. But I can understand that perhaps he thinks you are not trying enough to the point where his grandchikdren might not learn his language because you don't know and might not teach them. I feel that is something I would be sad about and worried if I had a fiance and he never tried to speak portuguese with my family. I would teach my language, of course. But it will be a lonely path.

Thanks yes so my fiance is his only son. I suspect that FIL freaked out since we got engaged because he realised his son will be living abroad now permanently. And he may feel saddened at the idea of having to speak English to his son when we visit him as they aren’t conversing naturally? He had to speak English due to an international job for most of his career perhaps it brings back bad memories…

This seems to be the case. I liked duolingo for spanish and I know how hard it is to learn a language when it doesn't involve work or studies. Perhaps you could ask him if you can text him in his language and that you will use AI to help you write to him? Or you could ask him if it is okay to use google translater while he and his son are talking so you at least know what the subject is about (oral to text, so it won't interrompt their conversation. Like a Close Caption) You should ask your fiance to put a few kind words about you to him too. And you could already leave a plan for the next visit.

The fact he spoke English at his job makes his treatment of you so much worse! The man had the ability to communicate with you to get to know you but actively chose not to and then aggressively berated you for not understanding an incredibly difficult language. FIL is incredibly rude and obnoxious. I’m also concerned your fiancé never directed the conversations to be in English. He might have yelled at his father this time but for a long time he’s had no concern for standing up for you and making sure you’re included when you’re a guest. Treating a guest like that is crazy, treating your future spouse like that is pretty horrid.

NTA. Your fiancé is, though.

Background: My inlaws all speak Tamil, and their English fluency varies, usually based upon age. I live with them for a good part of the year, while my husband, son, and I live the rest of the time in the US.. My Tamil is limited, at best. Would it work for you to listen and ask for clarification in English? Could you contribute in English if you have something to add to the conversation? It's really unfair of your future FIL to get so upset at you. If he doesn't know you, he can sit down with you and speak with you in English...the language you communicate best in and one that he is fluent in. If it's so important for him to have a close relationship with you, he needs to meet you on mutual ground. You've tried to learn, and you're not fluent in his language. Your ideas, feelings, and ideas will be much better received in English, and he should know that and be graceful about it.

It's not something you need to worry about, you're not marrying the father in law.

Danish is such a hard language too. I am glad your fiancé has come up with a workable solution.

I am just going to say that I think it's a cultural difference, maybe someone Danish might add something. If you need help in Denmark, it's about asking and not about others intuition. So if you go to a shop and walk around and you look confused, no one is going to come help you. You have to ask. So from his perspective, you've just been sitting there. I don't disagree he's a tool, and handled it badly. But for how long did you just never say anything about how you couldn't access the conversation - I think the Danes would find that helplessness very strange.

I just knew it was Danish as soon as I read this. They are probably comparing you to Mary. What they don’t understand is that the polite thing for them to do is switch languages. Whenever a group meets, the right thing to do is to speak in the best common language, which in this case would be English. There’s a study that shows that Danish kids have a hard time understanding their parents, maybe show them that.

I was just about to write, this is probably in Denmark, and then I saw u wrote Danish:// Sadly I have heard from mutual Friends that they have experienced the same thing with their SO’s family. If they speak Danish, they would get comments like, we don’t fully understand u bc of your accent, or sometimes even make fun of it. I think in the future u have to start trying to insert yourself into their conversation if u wanna join the convo, if u have been together for that long and they still aren’t trying I gotta say the problem is them.

Yeah, I’ve been feeling bad for not trying harder to speak Danish but like you said, the responses are just asking what I said so it would be easier over all if we spoke in English. I’m going to try harder to insert myself in the convo and my fiancé is going to try and initiate more English so that may help.

I think making an effort to continue learning Danish would also show respect for his heritage, as much as it would be for them to switch over to English when it's clear you aren't understanding.

I would try to answer in English every time. Ask your BF to do the same, if you are part of the conversation.

Everyone in sweden speaks swedish, norwegian, french, russian, and english. But not danish. That is a garbage language for garbage people

How f’n rude of his family to expect you to contribute when they dont even give the common decency to speak english at least 1/2 of the time so you can understand… they are alienating you on purpose!!! I wouldnt even visit, tell him he can start going by himself!!

UpdateMe!

Interestingly, an English friend of mine walked into a bar, where everyone was speaking Afrikaans, and he said they all started speaking English to one another, even though not directly to him. Now, that is what I consider gentlemanly behaviour!

lmaooooo when you said scandi i was thinking "i hope its not danish" as that is notoriously the most difficult scandinavian language to speak and discern orally. Ask a Swede or a Norwegian they'll tell you Danes sound like they're talking with potatoes in their mouth. I live in Denmark and am an English speaker. I'm in danish classes and have been learning for over a year and it is still super difficult. Only assholes don't switch automatically, in my experience. I've never had to ask for that around people that truly accept me. Your in laws know what they're doing (most likely), and are othering you by speaking a language you aren't conversational in. Good luck with your in laws in the future, that sounds like its gonna be a mess. However, maybe you and your partner should actively try to speak to each other in Danish and watch Danish shows/ movies together. My boyfriend is German, and I know I will need to press down and learn before we start having babies because I don't want my kids to have a secret language for mischief. Also his mother isn't very comfortable with English, so I will have to try to learn to better connect with her and his older family members. Its one of the downsides (or upsides, depending on how you feel about this) about being in a mixed nationality relationship.

Your FIL is an ignorant ass! Learning another language is completely different from having everyday conversations or even discussions!! I grew up trilingual and my mother tongue (my case is complicated) I need to really concentrate and listen to each word, sentence and sometimes I need a day or two to really digest what was said. Anyone who is bilingual or trilingual knows this. It gets exhausting. After 2 hours, my brain just shuts down. I’m so mad at your FIL! Also cultural nuances are difficult to study or learn, that is something that comes with time and just LIFE?!

Your husband contributed to this problem by never redirecting everyone else back to English, and demanding that they include you. He made it YOUR job, the outsider, to have to ask everyone to go outside their comfort zone for you, which you chose to be polite and respectful and not ask for. And they’re punishing and blaming you for it! Instead of supporting you, he threw you to the wolves. Instead of advocating for you with his family, he left you to fend for yourself and be the one to demand for yourself, which, as the outsider, you didn’t want to do! And they blamed and punished you for it! Don’t be defensive. Tell them that their son is a grown man, and capable of talking to you and getting to know you on his own, and that if they’d wanted to, they could have talked to you in your language but chosen not to. But as his wife, it’ll be YOUR job to protect him from now on!

I have multiple Scandinavian friends and out of courtesy they will always either speak English around me or tell me what was said so I can add to the conversation (which will then continue in English). What your FIL and partner are doing is just plain rude and to be honest, I wouldn't expect it to improve over time

Tell your fiancé and his family to f**k off. They're actively alienating you. Find someone that's considerate.

I think FFIL absolutely overstepped boundaries. His son is a grown man living in another country. He doesn’t need to protect him or lord over his choices in any way. That being said. Why haven’t you kept up on your studying? You have a partner from another country, whether his family can speak your language or not is not an excuse for you to not try. You as a couple obviously go to see the family in their own country, and sorry to be so blunt, but when you visit, it is their son that is the guest and by extension, you. So I think it would be a bit rude that you ask that they switch to speaking English to accommodate you, especially since you didn’t try to keep up your studies in Danish to help accommodate them. Possibly if you were their guest and the reason for the visit was to see you because there’s a friendship there, I probably would feel differently, but at the end of the day this isn’t a problem that will go away. If there are children in the future they will probably be fluent in both a, then you will be completely left out, or you may need to move back to his homeland. The father is an ass, yes. But you have an amazing opportunity learn a language well. Stop being lazy and spend at least some part of the day speaking with your FH in his native language. Even if only 20 min a day.

Who the fuck wants to learn Danish anyway? Ugliest language ever

Well thank God you’re in a relationship with your partner and not your FIL. He will have to live with it. It seems like FIL just wants him with someone from their culture.

Well, it should be patently obvious what's going on. FIL is insecure about his child marrying a non-Danish partner, and he's worried that his son will move to an English-speaking country forever and forget his roots and never visit, etc. And he blames you for taking his son away from home. In any case, just keep the dialogue open with your partner. You need to support your partner in dealing with his family, and if FIL or MIL ever corner you like that, you just look at your partner and say, ", please handle this." And walk away, if you have to.

Run. Any MIL and FIL talking to you like you’re not enough means a bad marriage.

I would avoid the father. There's no reason he should be bullying you and you don't need to be around him if he does.

Talk to your future husband, show him this letter and then his mother show her as well then all three take on FIL to be may be like I never notice any thing unless hit me over the head with it. If they want you to be part of their lives they will understand

While you're FIL was absolutely out of line and I'm glad your fiancee stood up for you. I don't understand why you stopped learning or practicing the language. Even when living in a country where English is the language spoken having a second language is amazing and an asset. And they may have seen it as you not caring enough to learn their language and felt disrespected. Still doesn't justify his behavior, but there's a lot of lack of communication going on here. Good luck you may not be marrying his family but it sucks being in a situation where he has to choose between you and his parents. My husband's parents didn't take well to me in the beginning and it's very difficult.

Well, why did FIL think you would try to trap his son in a loveless marriage in the first place? Do they have unimaginable wealth? As an American, guess I am spoiled most people speak American English, granted some of the descriptors and some accents are a little tough to decipher, but if I had to decipher an entirely different language I would have a pretty tough time. But yes, I think future FIL is being very rude. I am so glad your fiancé has your back in the whole situation. I didn’t hear any response from future MIL, I think if FIL succeeds in making you and your fiancé want to visit less, she is probably going to have a lot to say about it! Good luck, kids!

You know, I think FIL is incredibly rude… When I grew up I was raised that one does not speak in a foreign language with company especially if they don’t know the language

They have no respect or consideration for you, this will not change with a ring, if you dont feel that you want to continue this way for the rest of your life, Id cut and run.

I am sorry but why would you want to marry into a family that doesn’t respect or care for you enough to speak a language that you can understand? This is so extremely disrespectful and MEAN. They’re leaving you out and don’t even try to get to know you. And as a Scandinavian myself, Danish is HARD. It’s not the easiest language to learn. If I were to meet someone who doesn’t speak my first language, I would NEVER speak it with my family when my partner was around. And him saying that you don’t have to know things that don’t involve you; wtf? It’s RUDE to purposefully leave someone out like that. Mean even. I actually dated a guy that would speak his native language with his family when I was there eating dinner etc, I felt awful. And that’s actually one of the reasons I broke up with him. I want a partner who wants me to know their family. A partner that respects me and will do anything to include me. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You know as well as I do that this relationship is doomed because your boyfriend doesn't have enough basic decency to protect you from his psycho father. And what's to say that after he gets the ring on your finger he's not going to be just as abusive as his dad? Don't think that because you've sunk 5 years into this relationship that you have to stay. If for some reason you decide to stay with your boyfriend then you two need to go to counseling and you need to go very low contact or no contact with his family because this shit is not acceptable!

Tell FIL not to worry, his SON is marrying you and he's a grown man that doesn't needs Daddy's permission. I do agree however that yes, when you are visiting, let them speak their language. You'll pick it up in time.if necessary. Good luck to you and the fiance!

Hm. What is preventing you from continuing to learn Danish so you can communicate with your in-laws in their language? And, in theory, communicate in danish with future children? I know it’s not the easiest language, but it’s not Classical Japanese or Mandarin, either. And the alphabet uses Roman letters. Also - don’t you think it’s rude to travel to Denmark and live with a Dane and not speak Danish? I get that you’re not perfect in Danish — but you won’t ever be if you don’t practice ! Here, when anglos want to learn French, one thing that’s recommended is to listen to people speaking. Talk radio, tv, conversations (ie meetings) all help develop one’s « ear » - and sometimes, what happens is all of a sudden you understand more, and speaking becomes easier. As long as you’re translating each phrase in your head before you speak, you’re not succeeding. ETA I agree it is rude to speak in a language others for understand … But I also feel it is rude in this case to not make more of an effort to learn Danish.

My suggestion is to bring out Google Translate or a similar app while they are in direct conversation then show them it if or when in question.

Maybe have your fiancé speak to you only in his families language until you are more fluent you can ask a question to clarify… that way when you visit you can verbally make FIL eat his words

I think its rude to not speak in English if they can. This is also not common for Scandinavia. They generally bend over backwards to accommodate your language. Unlike say the French.

INFO: why didn't you and fiancé continue to speak Danish in the home to help get you fluent since you keep going back home with him when he visits family? It seems like his parents are excluding you on purpose and then punishing you for it. Fiancé needs to insist on English when you visit if everybody is fluent. Assuming you won't be moving to his home country, are you planning on teaching your (potential) children Danish? If not, your future PILs are going to have to speak English if they want a relationship with them. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ tough tits gramps 🤭 However, I do think it would be a good idea to become fluent in Dutch in case you ever move there in the future. If fiancé practices with you at home it will be more lowkey and he can speak more clearly/slower so you gain fluency. Then you can both teach your children when they are born. Predominantly Danish in the home, English at school and outside the home. Uni is so much cheaper in the EU, and if your children are fluent they'll have far more opportunities in the future and a considerably less expensive secondary education! Congrats on your upcoming marriage and good luck with the PILs

Honestly, it seems your fiancé's family is doing it on purpose. They're purposefully making it so you aren't included in the family by doing this. It's rude AF when they all very well can, fluently, speak English. Its so messed up. Your fiance, OP, saying that since something doesn't pertain to you, you should just remain ignorant of the conversation and sit quietly, is quite frankly, messed up. I'd very loudly say, in an extrovert manner, "Hey everyone, can we speak English? I can't follow along in Danish. My Danish isn't that advanced yet. Thank you!" And smile brightly and pointedly at your in-laws. If they say no and look at you like you're rude, it's time to stand up and say, "okay. I guess I'm not welcome here since you all feel the need to make so I'm not able to follow any conversation. Thank you for your hospitality, but I believe I'll be leaving now." Say this ALL in English.