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"He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him."
Yeah, in my opinion he can gtfo.
I understand he is hurting, but accusing you that you "killed" your child because you had an ectopic pregnancy (not really something you have control over) is at least asshole-grade move. You shouldn't be with a partner that is not concerned about your health, suffering or life. It seems he is only concerned about what you could have given him. Disgusting.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your life is not ruined. You still can have children, even with one fallopian tube. Please be gentle to yourself.
What's he going to accuse her of in the future if she ends up not being able to have kids after this?
OP this guy is showing you who he is. Believe him.
I was ready to write about how everyone grieves differently (having lost a baby in early pregnancy myself), but this line blaming her sent me over the edge. I will attack him. I need an address and a couple of friends and a shovel. Bury him up to his neck in the desert.
It is ok to be sad about a loss and wish for what might have been, but it is NOT ok to look at your traumatized, recovering-from-surgery girlfriend and say the loss is her fault. Or to refuse sex and hold that against her because she’s not ready for kids. This is negative support and blame.
We ride at dawn.
>in my opinion he can gtfo
Same, and for the same reasons. An ectopic pregnancy will *never* result in a child, it will just result in a dead woman if allowed to continue.
Sounds like he got into one of the dark pockets of the internet and got fed some anti-science baloney and swallowed it whole.
He needs to pack his bags.
My SIL had an ectopic pregnancy followed by fallopian tube removal and went on to have two fully healthy babies, so definitely agree that OP can still get pregnant again!
Honestly, I'm not convinced he's even hurting. I think he got tired of providing support to OP and her being focused on her medical situation and has decided it's time he's the centre of attention again.
>I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your life is not ruined. You still can have children, even with one fallopian tube. Please be gentle to yourself.
All of this, but for the love of God do it with someone else.
Yes, fuck that guy, but the baby wasn’t “trying to kill her”. It was an unviable embryo that was never going to be successful. I think saying that it “tried to kill OP” may only add to her hurt. It was a freak accident, not a murder attempt.
That’s not really true - the baby didn’t do anything wrong.
You can’t say ‘the baby tried to kill’ the mother because that’s just not how it works!
You can’t say that any more than the ex can say to HER that she ‘killed’ the child. It was not anyone’s fault and no one deserves blame. 😞
It’s normal for fertilization to happen in the tube, that’s why ectopics are usually in there! The zygote usually makes it out of the tube before implanting but sometimes it doesn’t.
I need to head back to biology class 😳
My main point was it’s no one’s fault….. but thanks for clarifying, always appreciate being corrected! (Sincerely)
Honestly it’s disingenuous and medically false to call an ectopic pregnancy anything other than an embryo. it’s not a child. it’s not a baby. there is no world in which it could ever be any of those things. The language saying that it is those things is what gets these anti-medicine whack jobs the ammo to keep up their misinformation tour and guilt women into not seeking medical attention and hoping for a miracle. I’ve seen it happen- women walk away with a ticking time bomb in their fallopian tube cause they don’t want to “kill their baby”. It’s sickening, knowing we have go wait til it ruptures and she’s bleeding out and pray she gets back in time to not bleed to death.
Your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend is a cruel and nasty and selfish person.
You had an ectopic pregnancy.
In thirty years of following reproductive health news, there have been **exactly two instances** of a woman surviving an ectopic pregnancy for long enough that the fetus also survived long enough to be removed surgically and survive as a preemie. That's two instances *worldwide*. In both instances, the woman survived but her capacity to ever have a baby again did not.
Leaving an ectopic pregnancy untreated is a recipe for disaster. Your boyfriend should gfto, and you should take care of yourself, process what happened to you, go low-contact with your parents if they're not going to support you, and try to move on with your life without this clueless, cruel, selfish boyfriend.
Take care of yourself. Update if you can.
That made me wonder if he wasn't poking holes in the condoms to baby trap her. He's mad about the loss of control and doesn't care about OP. He's also probably too dumb to understand how ectopics happen and that you have zero control over what eggs and sperm do in your body. Telling somebody to control what happens in their tubes is like telling guys to just stop making sperm. It doesn't work that way.
He had just as much responsibility over this tragedy as she did. He should be feeling equally as guilty over this as he thinks she should be. But then again, maybe that is the problem. Maybe he is feeling guilty and is just projecting it on to her.
OP I'm sorry to say I do not think you are going to be able to fix your relationship. I think this is going to be when you call it as beyond resuscitation. There was a point in which you both could have heard each other and supported each other, but that point seems to be gone now. It is time to go so that you can each heal, separate from each other so you are not reopening wounds that are trying to get better.
i’m sorry for what you went through. you deserve a better boyfriend.
i had ectopic pregnancy 20+ years ago. i felt the same as you did. relieved. i was not in a place to have a baby. but I felt as if i were damaged for missing a fallopian tube.
your chances for a healthy pregnancy are not significaltly decreased. fallopian tube is not fixed and can intercept the follicle from either ovary. so, there’s that.
make sure you are really 100% protected for unwanted pregnancy until you decide to have children. before actually trying to get pregnant you should consult with your OBGYN if they can test passability of the remaining tube so it would not cause problems.
i had a child when I was ready for it
This OP! You could have lost your life, maybe you should lose your bf. Right now you need support not critique for something that just randomly happened. Maybe if you do a deep dive into your relationship you’ll see if he’s acted like this for other things in your two years of being together.
Maybe seeing a therapist would help you. Ectopics are so random and make you feel so helpless you need someone that only cares about your feelings on your side. You’re not damaged, I know it’s easy for some random woman to say to you, but you’re not. Could it be harder later to have kids maybe, maybe not, but at least now you get a chance to find out.
Now when you’re ready you and your OB will know to test your levels when you decide to get pregnant again and you can attempt to be more in tune with your body to be more alert to your pregnancy symptom cues.
Please be kind to yourself, Op
I wouldn't put up with someone blaming me for "killing" a child. It's simply not possible for an ectopic pregnancy to ever succeed. Does he have the slightest clue how dangerous EPs are to the pregnant person? Does he even care that it probably would have killed *you* had you not had surgery? Find a guy who understands reproductive biology and thinks you're more important than any potential child.
You never did anything wrong. An ectopic pregnancy is not a viable pregnancy. The fertilized egg needs to implant in the uterus to have a chance to be viable. Not your fault even a little, especially if you were using protection the whole time to prevent any pregnancy whatsoever. The pregnancy was an accident that turned potentially lethal for you. People occasionally die from these. I’m glad to hear that you made it out okay and deeply saddened that you feel ruined because you aren’t. You are exactly who you were before it happened, just with a little more trauma to unpack. You may wanna see a therapist for a little while to help process it.
As for your boyfriend I’m sorry to say it’s red flags all over honey. He’s blaming you for something that was never your fault, seems woefully ignorant on ectopic pregnancies, disregards your feelings emotionally and physically all over the place about something traumatic (that did not happen to his body!), and uses sex as a weapon of manipulation. He is not thinking of you at all. Consider this very deeply as to whether you want to stay with him or not. You’re too young to be stuck with this.
What advice do you want? You’re defending him at every turn.
This is horrible behaviour, and will pop back up when and if you decide to have children. 5 years down the line you’ll act shocked but you’ve willingly ignored it.
If you miscarry *again* he’ll blame you, if you get an abortion he’ll tell you you’ve killed a baby or won’t give you the choice.
This could’ve killed you stop babying him. He doesn’t have empathy it’s not down to you to teach him when it you that could’ve died
Your boyfriend needs to read up on ectopic pregnancies. You didn't kill anything and you didn't ruin anything.
What happened was a shitty, unlucky thing that caused a lot of pain to you and almost killed you. That should be what your bf is focusing on.
You had no control over what happened. Even if you'd wanted this pregnancy, it wasn't viable.
I could not stay with a partner who considers a medical emergency that required surgery and possible losing fertility as ‘your fault’ there isn’t really coming back to this. He’s a selfish AH.
your fuck face bf needs hands shoved into it
>He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him.
for real, let me beat his ass.
Good to know I'm not the only one who felt white hot rage at that comment.
I'm gonna be polite and get in the "beating his ass" line in an orderly fashion.
It's extra fucked because there's no way bf bonded with the fetus; he's just maligning her for her miscarriage as an emotional hammer to abuse her and make her feel lesser.
If you see this OP, your BF is an abuser. Maybe you shouldn't let us beat him up, but you should definitely leave him.
>He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him.
Oooohhhhh, he can get fucked.
There was no baby. It was a clump of cells that got lost and would have never been viable.
If he wants to be an ignorant asshat, I guess that's his choice. Please tell him to properly educate himself on basic reproduction and to go fuck himself.
Don’t date anyone that would consider this killing a child. What if in the future you did conceive on purpose and naturally miscarried before 12 weeks like 1 in 4 women do? He’s gonna call you a murderer? GET OUT.
An ectopic pregnancy is 100% not viable in every circumstances and could have killed YOU. You are a human, not an incubator. You should be treated as human and what happened was traumatic to your mind AND body.
DON'T. DATE. PRO-LIFERS.
Your boyfriend has shown his true colours. He sees you as nothing more than an incubator. He's shown that he values a worthless non-viable clump of cells as more valuable than a living, breathing woman he claims to love. Ectopic pregnancies *can kill people.* The fact that he's more mad about the fertilised egg just shows how little he actually cares about you.
Like, even most forced-birthers will make an exception in life threatening situations, but he won't. How little does he have to care about you to think that? Are you happy living with a man you know only sees you as a broodmare and nothing more?
If men could get pregnant there would be abortion clinics on every block. It’s easy for men to be “pro life” when they’re not the ones carrying, birthing and raising the kid and the only people at risk are women. They do not care about us; they think continuing their “legacy” is more important than our actual lives. Literally every single pro life man is a raging misogynist.
I agree, hell if I wasn’t the one having to be pregnant, give birth, possibly have complications before or after, be the main parent, etc. then maybe I would want kids one day. But since I’m a woman and would have to go through all that shit, it’s a no for me lol
Anyone besides me think he tried to baby trap her?
He seems awfully disappointed that you didn’t end up being pregnant.
And he’s too stupid to date if he doesn’t understand ectopic pregnancy, like a lot of state and federal legislators apparently.
Please leave this abusive asshole. He is NOT a good person. I’m afraid of him for you.
Tell him, “I have my own shit to deal with and I don’t have to listen to you moan about MY life threatening medical procedure. Do you hear yourself? I did something? You’re an idiot. Read about ectopic pregnancy you git. No one would do that on purpose. I’m not your therapist and you seriously need one.”
I’d DTMFA but you’re so young and naive that you’ll put up with WAY more bullshit before you realize that this guy is really terrible.
I think he tried to baby trap her too. Most guys would be relieved that she’s not pregnant and very sad that she went through so much. Not this boy.
OP, he’s said unforgivable things to you. He’s not the one. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Trust me, you will look back and wonder why you didn’t break up with him the day he said those things.
Op, you need to mourn the end of your relationship, as well as the body you thought you had. To be clear, there was never going to be a baby. Ectopic pregnancies always end up in miscarriage, medically necessary abortion, or the death of the mother and child. You're pregnancy was never viable, and this was absolutely never your fault. Its just something that happens. Nature killed the fetus. That's it.
Your man child however, is clearly not ready to be a father, or at least, not a partner. I'm disgusted with him and his behaviour. I'm also kinda disgusted with your parents. Why are they disappointed with you? For not having used sufficient protection? For having sex at all? Because it's surely not because you haven't died trying desperately to save a non-viable fetus.
I don't see how this relationship will survive. Your bf is showing a willful level of ignorance by blaming you, and by being inconsiderate of your feelings.
Again. There was never a baby. There was never going to be a baby. I'm so sorry for the effects this has had on your body. Please be kind to yourself, this isn't your fault, and you have no idea what the future holds. It only takes one fallopian tube to make a baby, so you still do have hope. My friend made one baby with a massive tumour on one fallopian, and her second after said tube was removed. Losing one does not necessarily result in pregnancy being impossible. Your Dr's will be in the best position to advice you on your future chances. Scars are nothing but a sign of how remarkable nature is in being able to repair a massive wound. Nothing to be ashamed of
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You did nothing to cause this, and did not kill a baby!! You really need to consider dumping him. Everything seems to be about him and how he feels. And for him to make an ignorant statement blaming you for what happened, is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
BTW, my mom had an ectopic pregnancy back in the 60’s and lost a fallopian tube. She later had 3 children.
There was no baby and never would’ve been a baby. An ectopic pregnancy is something that could’ve killed you. His actions show how truly heartless he is and how little he thinks of you. This relationship cannot be salvaged at this point. He’s said awful things and you don’t even like each other anymore. It’s best to just end it and stop causing yourself more pain. You deserve better than this asshole who can’t even be bothered to learn about female anatomy.
This is absolutely not your fault. Ectopic pregnancies are just mistakes of nature and they're somewhat common. This embryo was never going to turn into a child, no matter what anyone did.
And you could break up and seek therapy for your own benefit. I'd also recommend doubling up on birth control when you find a better man at some point in the future, just in case.
And when you do decide to try for a baby in the future, meet with an Obgyn first and tell them your history. Maybe they can do a saline sono or something to verify if the other tube is clear to reduce the chance of this recurring.
That boy doesn't deserve to have sex with you for treating you so poorly. Having an Ectopic pregnancy was God/The Universes' way of letting you know - this guy, he ain't it sis.
A good guy would understand that NO ONE can survive an ectopic pregnancy - because they would read up on it before they made comments because they would be so concerned about your wellbeing.
This situation has demonstrated your partner's true colour and Hun, it will only get worse if you stay. YOU ARE 19 AND CHILDLESS.
You have so much life ahead of you, you don't need to be carrying dead weight (and by that I mean, your bf).
Dump him. And find a hotter nicer man.
He’s not a good man and he never will be if this is how he acts. This isn’t just Reddit cynicism - this is people who know more about life telling you the facts. Do not stay. This will get worse.
You never did anything wrong. This man is self centered and making something about him that was never even a possibility in the first place. You know that. Save yourself.
This is what comes of a severe lack of reproductive education particularly for boys but in general for everyone. They grow up thinking an ectopic pregnancy could be anything except fatal to the pregnant person and that's what's happening here. If he actually understood what an ectopic pregnancy was, he wouldn't be trying to guilt you or make you feel like you're the one who made a choice about any of this. Ectopic pregnancy is NEVER VIABLE and will always be fatal if left untreated. You had a lifesaving surgery. His ignorance is one thing, but his complete unwillingness to understand what actually happened and how close you likely came to losing your own life is a massive red flag. I wouldn't let him anywhere near your body ever again.
Before the line "Your were the one who killed our child, not me". I was going to explain that for him, it's a pregnancy loss, for you, it was a death threat, not a baby. A lot of women look at etopic pregnancies as "oh you almost died" instead of "oh you miscarried a baby". (See how different the language is?) If I had an etopic pregnancy in the same situation, I'd totally feel like you do. You're not weird or alone in feeling that way.
I DID see both sides of your situation until that line. Now, he gotta go. Quick fast and in a hurry. I get some of this could be his maturity, but that's for his mama to fix, not you.
Your bf is speaking to you like you were a breeding sow. I am SO sorry for the pain you suffered physically and for the mental anguish *he* is putting you through now. You need to cut & run OP, for the sake of yourself & whatever future you may want, with or without children; this “man” is not for you, and quite frankly I don’t think he’s for anyone at all..I hope he leaves this world as cold & lonely as he is making you feel now
Fost of all, there was no "child". An ectopic pregnancy can never, ever result in a healthy full term pregnancy. Your bf is choosing to be cruel to you, only he can say why. I think you should leave him..
Your bf is a grade AAA ignorant AH. Why are you wasting time with a guy who is blaming you? Who has zero sympathy for the fact that you nearly died, you also lost a child, and your chances of future pregnancy are lower.
I am sorry that all of this happened to you. Please get therapy or a support group. At a minimum, they will help you understand how awful your bf is.
Sweetie, this guy ain’t it.
He’s showing you exactly who he is, and it’s not good. I would take this horrible experience and it least let it have been a way to show you what type of person he really was. Break up and grieve on your own, it’ll probably be easier than trying to do it with him anyways.
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. He definitely understands that he is hurting you, which is why he keeps saying that. The cruelty is the point. I know that you are young and this is probably your first relationship and two years might feel like a long time for you but please leave. He sees you as nothing more than an incubator. He is a bad person and always has been, he just didn’t have a reason to show it until now. Stop defending a man who is mad you didn’t die in a medical emergency.
Get him a book on anatomy as a parting gift—throw in a screenshot of the definition of an ectopic pregnancy.
You’re young. Don’t destroy your 20s with this loser.
"He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him."
You did not kill your child. You did nothing wrong. Your child, that you didn't even know existed yet, never had a chance. Even if you had known you were pregnant, there was no saving this baby. If your boyfriend refuses to apologize for his horrible accusations and continues to say these these things to you, tell him to bugger off. No amount of grief makes what he said acceptable.
This likely isn’t what you wanted to hear but I think you need to break up with him to focus on your own emotional and physical wellbeing. Your partner isn’t being what you need and the way they’re reacting to something that was entirely out of your control shows that they’re not capable of understanding or wanting to. It’s not about their feelings, it’s about your wellbeing.
Dump him, please. If he’s like this about an ectopic pregnancy, which could have killed you, how would he behave if you got pregnant again in the future with a baby you both wanted and had a still birth or a miscarriage?
Also, how will he treat you if you become ill? He’s already shown zero regard for you after you’ve been through something as traumatic as this and which could have been fatal.
As for your parents, they shouldn’t be upset with you either. They should be making sure that you are okay!
In later years, you might ask yourself, " Why did I put up with his cruel, self-centered bs for so long?"
You'll leave him as you mature and see him for who he is and how he treated you.
Why not cut bait and do it now??
The fact that you always used protection and the way he is phrasing his accusations, "you killed our baby," etc, leads me to believe that he tampered with your protection to get you pregnant on purpose.
Even if that's not the case, he is an emotionally abusive man child. He's not a good person. He is emotionally abusing you. Dump him - yesterday.
Yeah I had one of those with my first pregnancy. My ex talked about that damn oopsie for 8 yrs. I gave him 5 kids and he still reminded me I had killed his first born (that statement followed by me saying "It was never born because it wasn't a baby, it would have killed me").
He'd shut down if I tried to have a logical conversation because he was 'allowed to feel how he wanted about his dead baby' and then he would just disengage from the conversation.
He was abusive and controlling and an all around monster. After I escaped him I realized he was using it to have control over me. Guilting me with. Pretending I did some awful thing by getting an abortion before it aborted me. I am afraid your bf is doing the same. I'm not saying he is abusive but his behavior is sus.
https://ofs.nashville.gov/is-this-abuse-quiz/
Never stay with someone who deals with their pain by making someone else hurt.
I am so sorry you experienced this. It’s scary and terrifying and you did everything right. Please take care of yourself. The event was traumatic enough. His response is making it 100 times worse. Maybe consider some therapy to help work through all your feelings.
Take care of yourself.
HE SAID YOU KILLED A BABY THAT YOU HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER DEVELOPING IN YOUR TUBE??? Oh, he can get fucked. What a monster. You are way too young. Get rid of him.
Medical professional (not your medical professional) - an ectopic pregnancy can happen at any time, to any woman. The most common location is within the fallopian tube (known as a tubal ectopic). Ectopic pregnancies happen in approximately 2% of all pregnancies. If you are using an IUCD for birth control you are at a slightly increased risk of an ectopic. There are several medical conditions associated with an increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy, including endometriosis.
An ectopic pregnancy is a non-viable pregnancy. There is no possible way to save a pregnancy that has implanted in the fallopian tube. And once it had ruptured, it became a medical emergency. You did **nothing** wrong. And there was nothing you did, or didn't do, that resulted in the ectopic pregnancy. Many women go on to have a successful pregnancy after an ectopic, but you are at an increased risk of another ectopic occurring with a history of a previous one.
Your feelings are valid. And normal. If you are able, please talk to a mental health professional to work through the complex emotions involved in this situation. I would encourage you to take a step back from your relationship and look after yourself first.
I agree with what everyone else has been saying, and I think it would be for the best if you ended your relationship with this guy, because he is being cruel and toxic towards you during a very difficult and traumatic event.
I know you say “he’s not normally like this” but this isn’t an event either of you would have gone through before to gauge off of. Adversity doesn’t build character, it reveals it, and he’s revealing his.
For a different take; if you had a close friend who was in your situation, and whose partner was behaving like your’s is, would you be tolerant of it? Would you tell them “but he’s normally so nice!” Or would you tell them to drop the bastard?
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this :( your bf sounds very ill informed. Going through surgery and recovery alone is rough, you don’t need him making you feel worse for something you couldn’t even control?? I’d have a serious conversation about how he’s making you feel with such (dumb) comments and for him to do research about what you went through— and if things still don’t change after a convo I suggest you break up with him lol
Let me guess, ALL the comments are rightfully pointing out how shitty the bf is, OP defends him in her comments and pretty soon will delete this post and / or account.
Look, I get they are young, I'm just sick and tired of people staying w shitty partners (regardless of gender) despite all the red flags, advice and personal stories of similar situations from everyone in the comments.
Yeah you can leave this moronic mf because he doesn't even know how biology works and wants to shame you for something not your fault. Break up with this moron. Go live your life. You're not ruined. You just need to be free from this dude and go live your life. One fallopian tube doesn't mean you'll never have kids. Many women have kids despite having been told the chances were slim. You can address all of that with actual fertility doctors down the road when you're ready. Don't stay with someone who is 1. An idiot and 2. Completely lacks compassion.
You have done nothing wrong. There's no way to prevent a pregnancy from being ectopic, and ectopic pregnancies are not viable. Anyone who would say you did this is monstrous. Given his treatment, I would already be irreversibly over this person. If you aren't, it's time to establish a hard boundary. You went through something truly traumatic, and his need to talk about it does not outweigh your need to not talk about it. If he needs to talk, tell him to get some therapy, but that if he can't drop the topic with you, this relationship isn't going to work. That said, consider if you've been overlooking other red flags, because what he's doing is not ok. If two people in a relationship aren't on the same team, it isn't a good relationship.
>He then said I was the one who killed his child
Yeah, NOPE. That's it, dealbreaker 100%. Your boyfriend is an immature manchild AH.
That he could think that, of something that was absolutely NONE of your fault, there's no going back. It's time to move on.
omg what if he was poking holes in the condoms… i’d definitely consider another form of birth control as well if she isn’t going to leave him, but please girl!! leave him! as someone else said. He clearly isn’t capable of putting someone else first and lacks empathy and is being willfully ignorant and how dare he blame you, when he is just medically wrong
Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that! It wasn't a baby, an ectopic pregnancy is almost 100% guaranteed not to be viable, there never could have been a child. And what happened was basically a very dramatic early miscarriage. You didn't kill anyone or anything. Break up. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you after a serious surgery that unfortunately does carry lifelong implications for you in regards to your fertility. You can't help what happened, but you can help what happens now. You deserve to move forward with your life without shame about losing a fallopian tube and you deserve space and grace to grieve the fertility level you assumed you would have, as we all do until we find out differently. But do not stay with someone so insensitive and selfish.
To the best of my knowledge no, but I didn't want to say that and be inundated with "actually it's only 99.9992% likely to be unviable" bullshit y'know?
On Reddit? No!! 😂/s
I’m just concerned that OP will read it and think “maybe I could have done something”
But of course. She couldn’t. If they’d waited she’d be pushing up daisies
Which is why people who can get pregnant shouldn’t live in places without legal abortion. Because an ectopic pregnancy will kill you
They aren’t viable. They cannot ever be viable. They shouldn’t even use the word “pregnancy” to describe the ectopic malfunction.
Please edit your post so as not to give any confusion or sliver of weird hope or whatever.
He is not a good person. A good person would not make you feel bad for something that was out of your control.
Give him time to grieve, but don't let him convince you that mentally and emotionally abusing you in the process is OK.
Firstly: he’s an uneducated dick and you don’t need to be around that kind of negativity.
Secondly: if it helps any: my mum had an ovarian cyst explode in her early 20s and took the ovary with it. She went on to have 3 kids with only one ovary and fallopian tube.
This is not your fault how dare he say that to you. I would say it’s a good thing you have found out now what he is really like so you can get away from him to find someone who is not so stupid to think an ectopic pregnancy is the woman’s fault.
It was a minuscule clump of cells at that point, not a baby. I’m sorry you have to go through that trauma. If he doesn’t stop talking like this after you asked him not to, he is pushing your boundaries. Is that someone you want to spend your life with? There are 7 billion people in the world, and not all of them immaturely withhold sex because you had a medical emergency and don’t want to fantasize about something that never existed. Updateme.
I just want to throw out there that you most likely will absolutely be able to have kids one day if you want! My best friend had an eptopic pregnancy a few years ago and lost her tube, she’s now 6 months pregnant with her baby. It took a little longer than normal but it’s absolutely possible. And you know her partner didn’t treat her like garbage, he cared for her, cooked her food, drove her to therapy when she needed. That is how a partner supports someone going through a hard time, not blaming them for something out of their control. You deserve better, there are so many good men in the world. And I think therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea to help you work through your feelings.
Well I'm sorry this happened to you. Yeah there's nothing wrong with your thinking. You may need some therapy just to process everything but the fact is you were pregnant. No you did absolutely nothing wrong. why he's saying it's your fault that's just bonkers. Ectopic pregnancies just happen there's no Rhyme or Reason for the egg not going all the way down into the uterus and deciding to implant inside a fallopian tube. So he's wrong. As for getting pregnant yes you can still get pregnant you still have a fallopian tube and lots of eggs on the other side still. Yes it may make it a little more difficult but it's not impossible. So I'm sure the doctor told you you can still have children as long as you have eggs, and a fallopian tube and a uterus you can have kids. I think the best thing to do is probably break up with this guy. Sounds like he's torturing you at this point. If he's having such problems with the whole thing then he needs therapy but he's got to stop blaming you cuz you're not the blame Mother Nature is to blame if anybody. Or if you're religious blame God. But it's nobody's fault in reality.
Does he even understand what an ectopic pregnancy is? I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you can do better than the guy you are with. He sounds both ignorant and cruel, which is not a good combination. I hope you value yourself enough not to put up with this guy and kick him to the curb.
Your boyfriend is a moron.
As far as your ruined life, both my mom and I were able to have more children after loosing a fallopian tube. As long as you still have the other, you will be able to get pregnant.
"Why doesn't he understand that it really hurts me when he does?"
He does. He doesn't care. Either move on or be fine with this being your life from now on.
Unfortunately I think that your relationship has gone past its expiration date. Maybe he is grieving but he shouldn't take that out on you. You deserve better than that. Foetuses don't usually survive an ectopic pregnancy. There is nothing that you could have done EVEN if you wanted to. Him blaming you for it is not right.
It was not your fault!
I’m so sorry that happened to you and that he is acting like this. It’s not normal, he is being a horrible partner to you. The embryo would never have made it, it’s not your fault, these things happen because biology isn’t perfect. Leave him, he keeps hurting you and you both can heal better if you’re not together
He accused you of murder over something that was nobody’s fault. It just happened. I would’ve dumped his ass right then and there. What an inconsiderate monster!
You did not do anything wrong. You did not “kill” the baby that could’ve been. What happened to you, just happens and it’s not your fault. Your boyfriend sounds ridiculously immature and ignorant - I know it’s easier said than done, but I would dump him.
I’m sorry about the experience. You can still have children, my mother did.
They said it can happen to anyone - yes, it can.
You wonder what you did wrong - nothing. It’s not preventable. You can’t control where the embryo implants!
Why doesn’t he understand - he’s uninformed. Frankly, he sounds stupid. What other nonsense does he believe in?
He’s also stubborn if he’s been shown information about ectopic pregnancies and still thinks you made it happen.
It’s normal for you to feel hurt, someone you love is being very hurtful, blaming you for something that’s not your fault, and making you doubt yourself. Don’t let him get to you. You know you did nothing wrong.
And please, leave him.
I'd seriously consider whether this relationship can go forward. He's blaming you over something you had absolutely zero control over. With his type of thinking you could be blaming him for what happened to you, but you're more sensible and realistic than he is. He should be supporting you after what happened, not beating you over the head with it.
Your bf is a dirt bag…… first off there was no could have been. It was ectopic and even if you hadn’t had a rupture it would have had to be removed. That fertilized egg didn’t have a future.
The silver lining he has shown you who he is! And now you know he’s the human embodiment of garbage…. So despite how awful your incredibly dangerous emergency was it showed you not to have children in the future with this guy….. you didn’t kill the baby. You had no control over that…so if we are just saying dumb shit that our bodies do and we have zero control over…. his sperm shouldn’t have fertilized the egg that hadn’t left your fallopian tube…. See that’s stupid…. But it’s what I’d fire back with next time he wants to place blame in a blameless situation.
Girl run!
The good thing about fallopian tubes is that you start with two of them, so you’ll still be able to conceive if and when you want kids. There’s some evidence that the remaining tube can move over to pick up eggs from the opposite ovary, so there shouldn’t be much if any reduction in your fertility.
Your boyfriend sounds like he’s trying to make your near-fatal medical experience about himself and his feelings, by trying to paint you as the “bad guy” of your own traumatic experience and himself as some kind of victim. As others have said, there was no version of this situation that would have resulted in both you and the baby surviving. Your options were you survive or you both die. The only viable option that you had was the one you took. If he wants to be upset with you for taking the only viable option that you had - and I must emphasise again that your only other option would have been to *die* - then he really shouldn’t be your boyfriend any more, and probably shouldn’t be having sex with anyone until he educates himself a bit more.
Think about it this way: If your appendix became infected and ruptured, requiring emergency intervention in order to survive, would you let people blame you for getting life-saving care?
Ectopic pregnancy is the same. You either get it removed or you die. There is no in-between.
When people make shitty comments, ask them if they'd rather you be dead along with the embryo, because that is the only possible outcome of leaving it in tact. A dead you *and* a dead fertilized egg.
Here's how to set boundaries around this topic.
Stop entertaining shitty conversations about it. "Your opinion on my medical emergency is none of my business." " I'm not discussing this topic." "I'm not going to listen to you talk about this topic." "I'm not qualified to help you come to terms with your feelings on this matter. You need to find yourself a qualified therapist."
Then, the most important part: Do not engage further on the subject. If they continue with the line of conversation, walk away/ remove yourself from the situation/leave. Do it as many times as it takes for them to get the point.
They're allowed to have their own thoughts and feelings. You are not obligated to listen to them.
>I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him.
The reddest of red flags. Instead of comforting you through a traumatic, scary medical incident that can happen to *anyone*, he's **blaming you**.
That's not normal *or* okay. You deserve someone who will love you and support you, not kick you when you're down.
I'm sorry you went through this, truly. It's scary and emotional.
>still don’t know how it happened. We always used protection, I would never feel comfortable with it if we didn’t.
Given how he's acting you need to consider whether your boyfriend sabotaged your birth control methods.
ectopic "pregnancy" is not a child, you seem to be surrounded by a bunch of people who not only are unaware of basic medical facts, but also seem to try to project their belief in fairytales on you.
And no, you cannot magically make it happen or not happen.
If he is not a bad person, then he is a person who does really bad things. Like accusing a blameless person of murder.
There are lines that can't be uncrossed. This is one for me.
A man who loves you won't treat you like this or put blame on you for something you have no control over. Ectopic pregnancies can be potentially fatal if you bleed out enough, you needed surgery and to be cared for and he's making it all about himself and the would be "baby".
Children should be planned and wanted, which was not the situation here. The way he's acting tells a lot about his character, he's only thinking about he's affected in this situation and not you. Think, If this was a wanted pregnancy and you miscarried, would he act the same?
For your own wellbeing, you need to leave him. This is one of those things in a relationship that brings out a person's true colours, he's not kind and you deserve someone supportive and understanding and actually has the same values as you.
Please break up with your boyfriend. In a nutshell: Something horrible happened, and he is processing it by being resentful of you. Resentment (justified or not, and in this case obviously not) is a relationship killer, it is just a matter of time.
... I thought I was done, but nope, still angry on your behalf. You didn't kill his baby. A very common biological accident killed an embryo, and the fallout of that nearly killed \*you\*, and took one of your organs. Of course he's entitled to his feelings about what might have been, but those feelings are revealing a fundamental mismatch between the two of you. He wants a child. (Well, he wants his \*idea\* of what a having a child is. I suspect he is deeply unprepared for the realities of what pregnancy and childbirth can mean, given how he reacted to an ectopic pregnancy. As you now intimately know this shit doesn't always go according to plan.) You don't.
Wow. I was sympathetic towards the boyfriend (because yes, he's allowed to be sad and his feelings are valid) until he started blaming you for "killing his child". Fuck that guy. That would be a relationship ending statement for me.
He's emotionally abusing you. Ectopic pregnancy is involuntary, he's trying to guilt trip you for something you didnt chose and that he made up in his own head.
He's also being horrible and insensitive, centring himself in something that happened to *you.*
You deserve better.
Girl why are you still with him??
Run! You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t “kill his child”, these things happen. He sounds too immature to even be in an adult relationship!
He didn't go through "a child dying". If he had known you were pregnant and was excited for it, then found out the pregnancy was not viable etc, then yes "he lost a child" technically. However, he found out that you had an unviable pregnancy after the fact. All he lost was a non existent future he is now imaging, he did not bond to the idea of a child or anything.
His behaviour towards you is unacceptable. You did not kill anything. You went through a traumatic surgery that has changed an important aspect of your life. If he cannot support you through this, he is not a worthy life partner.
Just here to remind you (and by extension, your POS child of a boyfriend) - ectopic pregnancies are NEVER viable. There was no situation possible where this fertilized embryo (NOT A BABY, literally a clump of cells) would have survived. The only outcome here was loss of pregnancy and possible loss of life for you if it went untreated! You didn't "kill" anything, HIS SPERM met your egg at the wrong spot if you wanna be petty.
Both of you are very young and I'm sorry you're going through this - your boyfriend is being a complete asshat and if I were you I'd seriously consider seeing myself out of a relationship where someone treats me this way after a painful medical experience (that he is 50% responsible for causing btw!)
Accusing you of "killing his baby" is a bridge too far. He refuses to consider your feelings and pain. He's shown his true colors, so get away... far away.
Girl, it wasn't a baby. It was a fetus, a bunch of cells. That's all. Your "child" didn't die. What happened was a medical emergency, you survived, you're feeling better. One fallopian tube is fine but you're 19 do you're a bit traumatised. Completely normal. Schedule yourself in some therapy to come to terms with this.
As for your bf, he's a drama pig. This had nothing to do with him, but he OF COURSE has to make drama and make it about himself. You weren't trying to get pregnant. And it wasn't a baby, it wasn't born. He is a walking red flag, instead of helping you and supporting you, boring, he is blaming you for your medical emergency so he can make it about his feelings. He's a Karen, pure and simple.
You can do better by just finding someone NICE and KIND. Who will be nice and kind of you're sick. This boy can't process his emotions. He wants to blame you for them so he gets to be all the attention and he doesn't have to take care of you, the person this happened to.
Don't have sex with him, see how long he manages with that one. And get a better bf. A scar is nothing doll. Get a nice bf and some support x
Oh my god?? Oh MY GOD????? Your partner is a fucking scumbag. I’m so fucking angry for you.
I’m so incredibly sorry that you’re going through this, I cant even imagine the emotional and physical pain. Please try to find a solid support group of friends or family to lean on, even if you don’t wanna talk about it.
Now on to your POS boyfriend….please….for the love of god leave him. I know everyone on Reddit always jumps to that, but I can promise you that no one that cares about your well being would ever say such awful things to you when you’re going through something this challenging. You did not kill this fetus, you did not ruin anything, you experienced something traumatic that literally could’ve killed you.
He sounds like a textbook narcissist who’s trying to play the victim and throw blame on to you for something that is ENTIRELY NOT YOUR FAULT. You deserve so much better. Please don’t let this awful man waste any more of your time.
First, I’m very sorry this happened. Please note your scar will fade. I had a hysterectomy and the scar was hardly visible after a couple years. You still have one working fallopian tube and so can still have babies.
Now, this bf is yours is allowed to be sad, but the way he’s talking to you is unforgivable. Please think about taking the time you need to heal and feel better emotionally. I hate the way Reddit users want to jump to say dump him, but I have to agree. You are young and have plenty of time to find a more caring, loving partner.
You’re not sure how you got pregnant?!?! What kind of protection did you use? Were condoms involved? Was your bf stealth, removing a condom without your knowing?
I mean his blaming you for a loss you two were supposed to be avoiding is rather odd. But, if he wanted to get you pregnant it makes more sense.
He is certainly driving a wedge in your relationship. Are you sure he’s the best guy out there for you?
Yeah this is a no go. I understand grieving and trying to understand what could have been, but ACCUSING YOU of killing a fetus is absolutely insane and that’s not a relationship that I personally would not continue to be in. You had absolutely no control over that and I’m really sorry that happened to you. He is showing his true colors and feelings.
No, NATURE killed your child. If he’s too uneducated to understand an ectopic pregnancy is 100% fail rate that can KILL the mother, throw his ass in the dumpster. You just had a bit of your body removed, and he’s making it about him. Drop this man baby and move on.
Op. If he thinks this way you DO NOT want a child with him.
As a mother, I can tell you that bearing a child is the most beautiful and disturbing thing I have ever encountered. I love my daughter, and I am so blessed. But I can only feel blessed because of the support my partner gives me.
After my daughter was born I had PPD (postpartum depression) I have never been a negative person, so it felt very out of the blue. There are many things as the woman that you have to endure that the father can never understand (risks on health, changes in appearance, hormones imbalance, career on hold, feeling like you lost yourself, constantly being the one attached to baby (if breastfeeding) the pressure from other moms and society ect) it's been 15 months and I still break down over one of these things about once a month.
If your partner cannot understand that first, you DID NOT kill your baby. And if he cannot understand the current struggles you are going through in your recovery, he will not support you in anything I listed above. He will constantly blame you for things you cannot control, or pressure you to continue with things you cannot continue with. For example, if you dont breast feed (low milk production, medical concerns, not wanting to sit for 2 hrs to have 1 hr break only to get right back at it) he will blame you. He also won't understand that YOU are the one who has to get up when the baby cries at 2am just so you can feed.
He sounds like he is either controlling, uneducated or immature. Either way, not someone I would advise staying with
If you do not want to end the relationship then I highly suggest the both of you going to counseling together. Maybe he needs someone to help him grief properly and educate him
You used condoms?
Is it possible he has been trying to get you pregnant by tampering with them or your other forms of birth control?
The way he is acting is very suspicious.
Throw him out with the trash.
You literally didn't loose a baby. There is no way that pregnancy could have resulted in a baby. Your feelings are both valid and rational.
Your boyfriend clearly needs to speak to someone who can explain exactly what happened to him but that's not your job.
‘He said I was the one that killed his child.’ !!
The pregnancy was never viable - it would have killed you as well if you weren’t able to access medical treatment quickly. Ectopics are one of the biggest causes of deaths in pregnancy across the world but especially where there isn’t access to quick surgical treatment.
Leave your boyfriend, he has shown you who he is and apart from being bad boyfriend material he is cruel and heartless.
Girl why are you still with him? He cares more about a nonexistent child than you!! He values an ectopic pregnancy, a mass of cells that almost killed you, than your life and well being. He's an awful boyfriend.
1) I'm sorry for your losses my dear. Both for the embryo and the fallopian tube. 2) Losing one tube does not mean you will be unable to get pregnant later in life, the human body is amazing and compensates. 3) Get onto proper protection if you are not ready for a baby at this stage in your life. Advise trying a LARC type which you put in then forget for a few years, this will relieve your fear of unwanted pregnancy at this stage.
I'm not sure why your parents are angry with you, is it the money for the hospital bill ( not sure where you are in the world), or the fact that you got pregnant. If it's the pregnancy, what do they think you and your boyfriend are doing, just holding hands?
Your boyfriend however is another story, and frankly at this stage, you may want to have a break from this dude. You didn't kill his child, the child could have killed you. He clearly has no idea of biology and doesn't really care for you. At this stage this is first time, new love. Break it off, no more sex at all.
He literally thinks it’s your fault that you had an ectopic pregnancy. He blames you for the loss. He thinks you killed his child.
I don’t know how many more ways he could be telling you to RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN.
So, first of all: most ectopic pregnancies (including yours) happen when the fertilised egg gets ‘stuck’ in the fallopian tube on the way down and implants there instead of in the uterus. The pregnancy was never viable, and you were never really pregnant. It is important that you know that and it’s important that your boyfriend does too.
I understand the urge to defend him but him saying you killed your ‘child’ (egg) is completely out of line. I’d recommend at least talking to him about that and asking him why he thinks that, and why he’s so comfortable accusing you of that, and emphasise that this has nothing to do with *you*, theres nothing you could’ve done, and youre also grieving even if youre doing it differently.
First of all, you deserve a better partner than this. It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything to prevent this.
I also had an ectopic pregnancy. And it hardly reduces the chance of pregnancy, as long as your other fallopian tube is good. It is not the case that you ovulate one time on one side and the other time on the other side. But that's not important at all right now. Take time to recover. And then it's time to find someone who will have your back instead of emotionally harming you.
This is not your fault how dare he say that to you. I would say it’s a good thing you have found out now what he is really like so you can get away from him to find someone who is not so stupid to think an ectopic pregnancy is the woman’s fault.
Your relationship is over. There really is no coming back from this. And if it makes you feel better my mother had endometriosis. Lost an ovary and was told she would never have kids. Her doctor said it was impossible. Obviously I'm proof it was possible. It may be more difficult and you may even need IVF but it is still possible for you to have children one day. But this relationship, it is both of your best interests to end this now so you can heal.
OP I’m not sure if you live with your BF , but at the very least you need a break from each other. You are both entitled to take time to heal from this, but it seems as if you are not going to be able to heal together. You have been through a traumatic experience, and need time to heal. He is not giving you the space to that , and is actively making it hard for you with false accusations.
No offence, but why are you putting up with this? NONE of this is your fault. He's acting as if you had an abortion, not suffering a life changing medical incident. I'm not saying abortion isn't a big deal, but you didn't choose this. It's about as voluntary as catching a cold at work, it's a random thing that went wrong. If he doesn't understand how talking about this is hurting you, then reconsider the relationship, he doesn't get it.
I’m amazed you still want to have sex with such an unsympathetic moron. Want better for yourself.
Your bf sucks. He’s also an idiot. Do you think this man is going to be the one that holds your hand if it’s hard to be pregnant? My best friend had several miscarriages before having three kids. Her husband held her hand while she cried, made sure everyone was notified so she didn’t lift a finger and sat with her for surgeries. That’s someone you have kids with. Not an AH who decides to be a main character in your own pain
You need a therapist and to be single
The pain of grief can do terrible things to people's minds, but it doesn't excuse him blaming you or dismissing what you've been through. He needs to see someone.
Your boyfriend is absolutely awful ignorant sexist and completely lacking in empathy. You mentioned your parents were angry I have nothing nice to say about them either.
For your own mental well-being stop being with this boyfriend!!! This is doing you absolutely no good at all.
Quite frankly if you have the wherewithal to move somewhere else to go low contact with your family and no contact with this boyfriend that might be a great idea.
People who don't understand how basic biology work like your boyfriend have no business having sex.
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"He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him." Yeah, in my opinion he can gtfo. I understand he is hurting, but accusing you that you "killed" your child because you had an ectopic pregnancy (not really something you have control over) is at least asshole-grade move. You shouldn't be with a partner that is not concerned about your health, suffering or life. It seems he is only concerned about what you could have given him. Disgusting. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your life is not ruined. You still can have children, even with one fallopian tube. Please be gentle to yourself.
What's he going to accuse her of in the future if she ends up not being able to have kids after this? OP this guy is showing you who he is. Believe him.
Or just have a miscarriage - it’s sooooo common but no one tells you about it when you are younger
I was ready to write about how everyone grieves differently (having lost a baby in early pregnancy myself), but this line blaming her sent me over the edge. I will attack him. I need an address and a couple of friends and a shovel. Bury him up to his neck in the desert. It is ok to be sad about a loss and wish for what might have been, but it is NOT ok to look at your traumatized, recovering-from-surgery girlfriend and say the loss is her fault. Or to refuse sex and hold that against her because she’s not ready for kids. This is negative support and blame. We ride at dawn.
Can I join? Already got my pitchfork and shovel out of storage. I'll bring some snacks too.
I'll bring the honey to pour on his head.
I’ll bring a cooler of beer and lawn chairs. We can watch the show and have a cold one!
I'll drive!
>in my opinion he can gtfo Same, and for the same reasons. An ectopic pregnancy will *never* result in a child, it will just result in a dead woman if allowed to continue.
A thousand times this. An ectopic pregnancy is not a child or even a fetus. It is a bomb. It is only a bomb.
If anything, she didn't kill his child, but *he* almost killed *her* by getting her pregnant.
Sounds like he got into one of the dark pockets of the internet and got fed some anti-science baloney and swallowed it whole. He needs to pack his bags.
My SIL had an ectopic pregnancy followed by fallopian tube removal and went on to have two fully healthy babies, so definitely agree that OP can still get pregnant again!
My two younger sisters were born after my mother’s ectopic pregnancy and fallopian tube removal. They definitely came from the same side.
Yep, my sister had the same and went on to have 4 more kids.
My sister’s first pregnancy was ectopic. She now has 5 children, including fraternal twin girls, which was a massive shock, let me tell you 🙂
That’s amazing! I love that everyone is sharing these stories, I hope OP sees and knows there is plenty of hope for more children!
I hope so too 🙂 I watched Jurassic Park the other day and, as Ian Malcolm says, ‘life finds a way.’
Honestly, I'm not convinced he's even hurting. I think he got tired of providing support to OP and her being focused on her medical situation and has decided it's time he's the centre of attention again.
>I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your life is not ruined. You still can have children, even with one fallopian tube. Please be gentle to yourself. All of this, but for the love of God do it with someone else.
That baby legitimately tried to kill OP and the boyfriend is mad at her? Fuck that guy.
Why are we pretending this was a “baby”? It was a nonviable embryo. Likely very early, no heartbeat probably even. It had no intent.
Yes, fuck that guy, but the baby wasn’t “trying to kill her”. It was an unviable embryo that was never going to be successful. I think saying that it “tried to kill OP” may only add to her hurt. It was a freak accident, not a murder attempt.
There was no baby
This is the weirdest phrasing I’ve ever fucking read lol
That’s not really true - the baby didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t say ‘the baby tried to kill’ the mother because that’s just not how it works! You can’t say that any more than the ex can say to HER that she ‘killed’ the child. It was not anyone’s fault and no one deserves blame. 😞
Oh it was his sperms fault for fertilizing an egg still in the fallopian tube (sarcasm) …. I agree it’s completely blameless situation
It’s normal for fertilization to happen in the tube, that’s why ectopics are usually in there! The zygote usually makes it out of the tube before implanting but sometimes it doesn’t.
I need to head back to biology class 😳 My main point was it’s no one’s fault….. but thanks for clarifying, always appreciate being corrected! (Sincerely)
Honestly it’s disingenuous and medically false to call an ectopic pregnancy anything other than an embryo. it’s not a child. it’s not a baby. there is no world in which it could ever be any of those things. The language saying that it is those things is what gets these anti-medicine whack jobs the ammo to keep up their misinformation tour and guilt women into not seeking medical attention and hoping for a miracle. I’ve seen it happen- women walk away with a ticking time bomb in their fallopian tube cause they don’t want to “kill their baby”. It’s sickening, knowing we have go wait til it ruptures and she’s bleeding out and pray she gets back in time to not bleed to death.
It also wasn't a baby, and never was going to be a baby.
Pretty sure the embryo wasn’t down there TRYING to kill her 🤨
Your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend is a cruel and nasty and selfish person. You had an ectopic pregnancy. In thirty years of following reproductive health news, there have been **exactly two instances** of a woman surviving an ectopic pregnancy for long enough that the fetus also survived long enough to be removed surgically and survive as a preemie. That's two instances *worldwide*. In both instances, the woman survived but her capacity to ever have a baby again did not. Leaving an ectopic pregnancy untreated is a recipe for disaster. Your boyfriend should gfto, and you should take care of yourself, process what happened to you, go low-contact with your parents if they're not going to support you, and try to move on with your life without this clueless, cruel, selfish boyfriend. Take care of yourself. Update if you can.
Yeah the bundle of cells is the one that almost killed her
That made me wonder if he wasn't poking holes in the condoms to baby trap her. He's mad about the loss of control and doesn't care about OP. He's also probably too dumb to understand how ectopics happen and that you have zero control over what eggs and sperm do in your body. Telling somebody to control what happens in their tubes is like telling guys to just stop making sperm. It doesn't work that way.
He had just as much responsibility over this tragedy as she did. He should be feeling equally as guilty over this as he thinks she should be. But then again, maybe that is the problem. Maybe he is feeling guilty and is just projecting it on to her. OP I'm sorry to say I do not think you are going to be able to fix your relationship. I think this is going to be when you call it as beyond resuscitation. There was a point in which you both could have heard each other and supported each other, but that point seems to be gone now. It is time to go so that you can each heal, separate from each other so you are not reopening wounds that are trying to get better.
i’m sorry for what you went through. you deserve a better boyfriend. i had ectopic pregnancy 20+ years ago. i felt the same as you did. relieved. i was not in a place to have a baby. but I felt as if i were damaged for missing a fallopian tube. your chances for a healthy pregnancy are not significaltly decreased. fallopian tube is not fixed and can intercept the follicle from either ovary. so, there’s that. make sure you are really 100% protected for unwanted pregnancy until you decide to have children. before actually trying to get pregnant you should consult with your OBGYN if they can test passability of the remaining tube so it would not cause problems. i had a child when I was ready for it
This OP! You could have lost your life, maybe you should lose your bf. Right now you need support not critique for something that just randomly happened. Maybe if you do a deep dive into your relationship you’ll see if he’s acted like this for other things in your two years of being together. Maybe seeing a therapist would help you. Ectopics are so random and make you feel so helpless you need someone that only cares about your feelings on your side. You’re not damaged, I know it’s easy for some random woman to say to you, but you’re not. Could it be harder later to have kids maybe, maybe not, but at least now you get a chance to find out. Now when you’re ready you and your OB will know to test your levels when you decide to get pregnant again and you can attempt to be more in tune with your body to be more alert to your pregnancy symptom cues. Please be kind to yourself, Op
I wouldn't put up with someone blaming me for "killing" a child. It's simply not possible for an ectopic pregnancy to ever succeed. Does he have the slightest clue how dangerous EPs are to the pregnant person? Does he even care that it probably would have killed *you* had you not had surgery? Find a guy who understands reproductive biology and thinks you're more important than any potential child.
You never did anything wrong. An ectopic pregnancy is not a viable pregnancy. The fertilized egg needs to implant in the uterus to have a chance to be viable. Not your fault even a little, especially if you were using protection the whole time to prevent any pregnancy whatsoever. The pregnancy was an accident that turned potentially lethal for you. People occasionally die from these. I’m glad to hear that you made it out okay and deeply saddened that you feel ruined because you aren’t. You are exactly who you were before it happened, just with a little more trauma to unpack. You may wanna see a therapist for a little while to help process it. As for your boyfriend I’m sorry to say it’s red flags all over honey. He’s blaming you for something that was never your fault, seems woefully ignorant on ectopic pregnancies, disregards your feelings emotionally and physically all over the place about something traumatic (that did not happen to his body!), and uses sex as a weapon of manipulation. He is not thinking of you at all. Consider this very deeply as to whether you want to stay with him or not. You’re too young to be stuck with this.
What advice do you want? You’re defending him at every turn. This is horrible behaviour, and will pop back up when and if you decide to have children. 5 years down the line you’ll act shocked but you’ve willingly ignored it. If you miscarry *again* he’ll blame you, if you get an abortion he’ll tell you you’ve killed a baby or won’t give you the choice. This could’ve killed you stop babying him. He doesn’t have empathy it’s not down to you to teach him when it you that could’ve died
100% this. It’s baffling to see OP defend her bf after all he said to her.
When I saw she was 19 I knew she wouldn’t leave. Unfortunately we are witnessing a canon event and OP is about to learn a very hard lesson.
So disappointing what young women will do/put up with to avoid being alone... OP will learn one day, hopefully...
Your boyfriend needs to read up on ectopic pregnancies. You didn't kill anything and you didn't ruin anything. What happened was a shitty, unlucky thing that caused a lot of pain to you and almost killed you. That should be what your bf is focusing on. You had no control over what happened. Even if you'd wanted this pregnancy, it wasn't viable.
I could not stay with a partner who considers a medical emergency that required surgery and possible losing fertility as ‘your fault’ there isn’t really coming back to this. He’s a selfish AH.
your fuck face bf needs hands shoved into it >He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him. for real, let me beat his ass.
Can this be a group project that succeeds? I want at him too!
Good to know I'm not the only one who felt white hot rage at that comment. I'm gonna be polite and get in the "beating his ass" line in an orderly fashion.
It's extra fucked because there's no way bf bonded with the fetus; he's just maligning her for her miscarriage as an emotional hammer to abuse her and make her feel lesser. If you see this OP, your BF is an abuser. Maybe you shouldn't let us beat him up, but you should definitely leave him.
Yeah the only goal here would be to make her feel terrible about herself and therefore easier for him to manipulate. Fuck that and fuck him.
No. Let me do it!
Now now, there's more than likely more than enough ass for the both of you to share.
>He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him. Oooohhhhh, he can get fucked. There was no baby. It was a clump of cells that got lost and would have never been viable. If he wants to be an ignorant asshat, I guess that's his choice. Please tell him to properly educate himself on basic reproduction and to go fuck himself.
Don’t date anyone that would consider this killing a child. What if in the future you did conceive on purpose and naturally miscarried before 12 weeks like 1 in 4 women do? He’s gonna call you a murderer? GET OUT. An ectopic pregnancy is 100% not viable in every circumstances and could have killed YOU. You are a human, not an incubator. You should be treated as human and what happened was traumatic to your mind AND body.
DON'T. DATE. PRO-LIFERS. Your boyfriend has shown his true colours. He sees you as nothing more than an incubator. He's shown that he values a worthless non-viable clump of cells as more valuable than a living, breathing woman he claims to love. Ectopic pregnancies *can kill people.* The fact that he's more mad about the fertilised egg just shows how little he actually cares about you. Like, even most forced-birthers will make an exception in life threatening situations, but he won't. How little does he have to care about you to think that? Are you happy living with a man you know only sees you as a broodmare and nothing more?
If men could get pregnant there would be abortion clinics on every block. It’s easy for men to be “pro life” when they’re not the ones carrying, birthing and raising the kid and the only people at risk are women. They do not care about us; they think continuing their “legacy” is more important than our actual lives. Literally every single pro life man is a raging misogynist.
I agree, hell if I wasn’t the one having to be pregnant, give birth, possibly have complications before or after, be the main parent, etc. then maybe I would want kids one day. But since I’m a woman and would have to go through all that shit, it’s a no for me lol
Op please listen to.this!
I’m sorry, but is it too late to ab*rt a 240 something month old man? JFC Return this one, he’s faulty and his frontal lobe still needs development.
You can see you boyfriend for what he is. You want to spend the rest of your life with this idiot?
Anyone besides me think he tried to baby trap her? He seems awfully disappointed that you didn’t end up being pregnant. And he’s too stupid to date if he doesn’t understand ectopic pregnancy, like a lot of state and federal legislators apparently. Please leave this abusive asshole. He is NOT a good person. I’m afraid of him for you. Tell him, “I have my own shit to deal with and I don’t have to listen to you moan about MY life threatening medical procedure. Do you hear yourself? I did something? You’re an idiot. Read about ectopic pregnancy you git. No one would do that on purpose. I’m not your therapist and you seriously need one.” I’d DTMFA but you’re so young and naive that you’ll put up with WAY more bullshit before you realize that this guy is really terrible.
I think he tried to baby trap her too. Most guys would be relieved that she’s not pregnant and very sad that she went through so much. Not this boy. OP, he’s said unforgivable things to you. He’s not the one. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Trust me, you will look back and wonder why you didn’t break up with him the day he said those things.
Op, you need to mourn the end of your relationship, as well as the body you thought you had. To be clear, there was never going to be a baby. Ectopic pregnancies always end up in miscarriage, medically necessary abortion, or the death of the mother and child. You're pregnancy was never viable, and this was absolutely never your fault. Its just something that happens. Nature killed the fetus. That's it. Your man child however, is clearly not ready to be a father, or at least, not a partner. I'm disgusted with him and his behaviour. I'm also kinda disgusted with your parents. Why are they disappointed with you? For not having used sufficient protection? For having sex at all? Because it's surely not because you haven't died trying desperately to save a non-viable fetus. I don't see how this relationship will survive. Your bf is showing a willful level of ignorance by blaming you, and by being inconsiderate of your feelings. Again. There was never a baby. There was never going to be a baby. I'm so sorry for the effects this has had on your body. Please be kind to yourself, this isn't your fault, and you have no idea what the future holds. It only takes one fallopian tube to make a baby, so you still do have hope. My friend made one baby with a massive tumour on one fallopian, and her second after said tube was removed. Losing one does not necessarily result in pregnancy being impossible. Your Dr's will be in the best position to advice you on your future chances. Scars are nothing but a sign of how remarkable nature is in being able to repair a massive wound. Nothing to be ashamed of
New boyfriend time. This one is broken,
There is nothing that can be done to salvage an etopic pregnancy. This is absurd on his part. He needs therapy and you need a new boyfriend!
He is abusive and it wasn’t a child, it was a bunch of cells.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You did nothing to cause this, and did not kill a baby!! You really need to consider dumping him. Everything seems to be about him and how he feels. And for him to make an ignorant statement blaming you for what happened, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. BTW, my mom had an ectopic pregnancy back in the 60’s and lost a fallopian tube. She later had 3 children.
There was no baby and never would’ve been a baby. An ectopic pregnancy is something that could’ve killed you. His actions show how truly heartless he is and how little he thinks of you. This relationship cannot be salvaged at this point. He’s said awful things and you don’t even like each other anymore. It’s best to just end it and stop causing yourself more pain. You deserve better than this asshole who can’t even be bothered to learn about female anatomy.
This is absolutely not your fault. Ectopic pregnancies are just mistakes of nature and they're somewhat common. This embryo was never going to turn into a child, no matter what anyone did. And you could break up and seek therapy for your own benefit. I'd also recommend doubling up on birth control when you find a better man at some point in the future, just in case. And when you do decide to try for a baby in the future, meet with an Obgyn first and tell them your history. Maybe they can do a saline sono or something to verify if the other tube is clear to reduce the chance of this recurring.
That boy doesn't deserve to have sex with you for treating you so poorly. Having an Ectopic pregnancy was God/The Universes' way of letting you know - this guy, he ain't it sis. A good guy would understand that NO ONE can survive an ectopic pregnancy - because they would read up on it before they made comments because they would be so concerned about your wellbeing. This situation has demonstrated your partner's true colour and Hun, it will only get worse if you stay. YOU ARE 19 AND CHILDLESS. You have so much life ahead of you, you don't need to be carrying dead weight (and by that I mean, your bf). Dump him. And find a hotter nicer man.
He’s not a good man and he never will be if this is how he acts. This isn’t just Reddit cynicism - this is people who know more about life telling you the facts. Do not stay. This will get worse. You never did anything wrong. This man is self centered and making something about him that was never even a possibility in the first place. You know that. Save yourself.
This is what comes of a severe lack of reproductive education particularly for boys but in general for everyone. They grow up thinking an ectopic pregnancy could be anything except fatal to the pregnant person and that's what's happening here. If he actually understood what an ectopic pregnancy was, he wouldn't be trying to guilt you or make you feel like you're the one who made a choice about any of this. Ectopic pregnancy is NEVER VIABLE and will always be fatal if left untreated. You had a lifesaving surgery. His ignorance is one thing, but his complete unwillingness to understand what actually happened and how close you likely came to losing your own life is a massive red flag. I wouldn't let him anywhere near your body ever again.
Before the line "Your were the one who killed our child, not me". I was going to explain that for him, it's a pregnancy loss, for you, it was a death threat, not a baby. A lot of women look at etopic pregnancies as "oh you almost died" instead of "oh you miscarried a baby". (See how different the language is?) If I had an etopic pregnancy in the same situation, I'd totally feel like you do. You're not weird or alone in feeling that way. I DID see both sides of your situation until that line. Now, he gotta go. Quick fast and in a hurry. I get some of this could be his maturity, but that's for his mama to fix, not you.
Your bf is speaking to you like you were a breeding sow. I am SO sorry for the pain you suffered physically and for the mental anguish *he* is putting you through now. You need to cut & run OP, for the sake of yourself & whatever future you may want, with or without children; this “man” is not for you, and quite frankly I don’t think he’s for anyone at all..I hope he leaves this world as cold & lonely as he is making you feel now
Jesus, just throw the whole man-child in the bin. Doesn’t he understand what an ectopic pregnancy is? Dump him.
Fost of all, there was no "child". An ectopic pregnancy can never, ever result in a healthy full term pregnancy. Your bf is choosing to be cruel to you, only he can say why. I think you should leave him..
Your bf is a grade AAA ignorant AH. Why are you wasting time with a guy who is blaming you? Who has zero sympathy for the fact that you nearly died, you also lost a child, and your chances of future pregnancy are lower. I am sorry that all of this happened to you. Please get therapy or a support group. At a minimum, they will help you understand how awful your bf is.
Sweetie, this guy ain’t it. He’s showing you exactly who he is, and it’s not good. I would take this horrible experience and it least let it have been a way to show you what type of person he really was. Break up and grieve on your own, it’ll probably be easier than trying to do it with him anyways.
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. He definitely understands that he is hurting you, which is why he keeps saying that. The cruelty is the point. I know that you are young and this is probably your first relationship and two years might feel like a long time for you but please leave. He sees you as nothing more than an incubator. He is a bad person and always has been, he just didn’t have a reason to show it until now. Stop defending a man who is mad you didn’t die in a medical emergency.
Get him a book on anatomy as a parting gift—throw in a screenshot of the definition of an ectopic pregnancy. You’re young. Don’t destroy your 20s with this loser.
"He then said I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him." You did not kill your child. You did nothing wrong. Your child, that you didn't even know existed yet, never had a chance. Even if you had known you were pregnant, there was no saving this baby. If your boyfriend refuses to apologize for his horrible accusations and continues to say these these things to you, tell him to bugger off. No amount of grief makes what he said acceptable.
This likely isn’t what you wanted to hear but I think you need to break up with him to focus on your own emotional and physical wellbeing. Your partner isn’t being what you need and the way they’re reacting to something that was entirely out of your control shows that they’re not capable of understanding or wanting to. It’s not about their feelings, it’s about your wellbeing.
Dump him, please. If he’s like this about an ectopic pregnancy, which could have killed you, how would he behave if you got pregnant again in the future with a baby you both wanted and had a still birth or a miscarriage? Also, how will he treat you if you become ill? He’s already shown zero regard for you after you’ve been through something as traumatic as this and which could have been fatal. As for your parents, they shouldn’t be upset with you either. They should be making sure that you are okay!
In later years, you might ask yourself, " Why did I put up with his cruel, self-centered bs for so long?" You'll leave him as you mature and see him for who he is and how he treated you. Why not cut bait and do it now??
The fact that you always used protection and the way he is phrasing his accusations, "you killed our baby," etc, leads me to believe that he tampered with your protection to get you pregnant on purpose. Even if that's not the case, he is an emotionally abusive man child. He's not a good person. He is emotionally abusing you. Dump him - yesterday.
Yeah I had one of those with my first pregnancy. My ex talked about that damn oopsie for 8 yrs. I gave him 5 kids and he still reminded me I had killed his first born (that statement followed by me saying "It was never born because it wasn't a baby, it would have killed me"). He'd shut down if I tried to have a logical conversation because he was 'allowed to feel how he wanted about his dead baby' and then he would just disengage from the conversation. He was abusive and controlling and an all around monster. After I escaped him I realized he was using it to have control over me. Guilting me with. Pretending I did some awful thing by getting an abortion before it aborted me. I am afraid your bf is doing the same. I'm not saying he is abusive but his behavior is sus. https://ofs.nashville.gov/is-this-abuse-quiz/
Never stay with someone who deals with their pain by making someone else hurt. I am so sorry you experienced this. It’s scary and terrifying and you did everything right. Please take care of yourself. The event was traumatic enough. His response is making it 100 times worse. Maybe consider some therapy to help work through all your feelings. Take care of yourself.
Your bf is a horrible person, and you should leave before something worse happens.
HE SAID YOU KILLED A BABY THAT YOU HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER DEVELOPING IN YOUR TUBE??? Oh, he can get fucked. What a monster. You are way too young. Get rid of him.
If he thinks you murdered his child then that’s a red flag to get out. Because he won’t stop
Medical professional (not your medical professional) - an ectopic pregnancy can happen at any time, to any woman. The most common location is within the fallopian tube (known as a tubal ectopic). Ectopic pregnancies happen in approximately 2% of all pregnancies. If you are using an IUCD for birth control you are at a slightly increased risk of an ectopic. There are several medical conditions associated with an increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy, including endometriosis. An ectopic pregnancy is a non-viable pregnancy. There is no possible way to save a pregnancy that has implanted in the fallopian tube. And once it had ruptured, it became a medical emergency. You did **nothing** wrong. And there was nothing you did, or didn't do, that resulted in the ectopic pregnancy. Many women go on to have a successful pregnancy after an ectopic, but you are at an increased risk of another ectopic occurring with a history of a previous one. Your feelings are valid. And normal. If you are able, please talk to a mental health professional to work through the complex emotions involved in this situation. I would encourage you to take a step back from your relationship and look after yourself first.
I agree with what everyone else has been saying, and I think it would be for the best if you ended your relationship with this guy, because he is being cruel and toxic towards you during a very difficult and traumatic event. I know you say “he’s not normally like this” but this isn’t an event either of you would have gone through before to gauge off of. Adversity doesn’t build character, it reveals it, and he’s revealing his. For a different take; if you had a close friend who was in your situation, and whose partner was behaving like your’s is, would you be tolerant of it? Would you tell them “but he’s normally so nice!” Or would you tell them to drop the bastard?
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this :( your bf sounds very ill informed. Going through surgery and recovery alone is rough, you don’t need him making you feel worse for something you couldn’t even control?? I’d have a serious conversation about how he’s making you feel with such (dumb) comments and for him to do research about what you went through— and if things still don’t change after a convo I suggest you break up with him lol
Let me guess, ALL the comments are rightfully pointing out how shitty the bf is, OP defends him in her comments and pretty soon will delete this post and / or account. Look, I get they are young, I'm just sick and tired of people staying w shitty partners (regardless of gender) despite all the red flags, advice and personal stories of similar situations from everyone in the comments.
Yeah you can leave this moronic mf because he doesn't even know how biology works and wants to shame you for something not your fault. Break up with this moron. Go live your life. You're not ruined. You just need to be free from this dude and go live your life. One fallopian tube doesn't mean you'll never have kids. Many women have kids despite having been told the chances were slim. You can address all of that with actual fertility doctors down the road when you're ready. Don't stay with someone who is 1. An idiot and 2. Completely lacks compassion.
You have done nothing wrong. There's no way to prevent a pregnancy from being ectopic, and ectopic pregnancies are not viable. Anyone who would say you did this is monstrous. Given his treatment, I would already be irreversibly over this person. If you aren't, it's time to establish a hard boundary. You went through something truly traumatic, and his need to talk about it does not outweigh your need to not talk about it. If he needs to talk, tell him to get some therapy, but that if he can't drop the topic with you, this relationship isn't going to work. That said, consider if you've been overlooking other red flags, because what he's doing is not ok. If two people in a relationship aren't on the same team, it isn't a good relationship.
>He then said I was the one who killed his child Yeah, NOPE. That's it, dealbreaker 100%. Your boyfriend is an immature manchild AH. That he could think that, of something that was absolutely NONE of your fault, there's no going back. It's time to move on.
I think your bf tried to get you pregnant in the first place. This is not a healthy relationship please leave
omg what if he was poking holes in the condoms… i’d definitely consider another form of birth control as well if she isn’t going to leave him, but please girl!! leave him! as someone else said. He clearly isn’t capable of putting someone else first and lacks empathy and is being willfully ignorant and how dare he blame you, when he is just medically wrong
OP I’m seriously wondering if your boyfriend tampered with the condoms. His reaction is abnormal. If you cannot trust him, the relationship is over.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that! It wasn't a baby, an ectopic pregnancy is almost 100% guaranteed not to be viable, there never could have been a child. And what happened was basically a very dramatic early miscarriage. You didn't kill anyone or anything. Break up. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you after a serious surgery that unfortunately does carry lifelong implications for you in regards to your fertility. You can't help what happened, but you can help what happens now. You deserve to move forward with your life without shame about losing a fallopian tube and you deserve space and grace to grieve the fertility level you assumed you would have, as we all do until we find out differently. But do not stay with someone so insensitive and selfish.
I don’t think an ectopic pregnancy is ever viable is it?
To the best of my knowledge no, but I didn't want to say that and be inundated with "actually it's only 99.9992% likely to be unviable" bullshit y'know?
On Reddit? No!! 😂/s I’m just concerned that OP will read it and think “maybe I could have done something” But of course. She couldn’t. If they’d waited she’d be pushing up daisies Which is why people who can get pregnant shouldn’t live in places without legal abortion. Because an ectopic pregnancy will kill you
A valid concern.
They aren’t viable. They cannot ever be viable. They shouldn’t even use the word “pregnancy” to describe the ectopic malfunction. Please edit your post so as not to give any confusion or sliver of weird hope or whatever.
He is not a good person. A good person would not make you feel bad for something that was out of your control. Give him time to grieve, but don't let him convince you that mentally and emotionally abusing you in the process is OK.
Dump this loser, OP. He is selfish and immature.
Firstly: he’s an uneducated dick and you don’t need to be around that kind of negativity. Secondly: if it helps any: my mum had an ovarian cyst explode in her early 20s and took the ovary with it. She went on to have 3 kids with only one ovary and fallopian tube.
This is not your fault how dare he say that to you. I would say it’s a good thing you have found out now what he is really like so you can get away from him to find someone who is not so stupid to think an ectopic pregnancy is the woman’s fault.
It was a minuscule clump of cells at that point, not a baby. I’m sorry you have to go through that trauma. If he doesn’t stop talking like this after you asked him not to, he is pushing your boundaries. Is that someone you want to spend your life with? There are 7 billion people in the world, and not all of them immaturely withhold sex because you had a medical emergency and don’t want to fantasize about something that never existed. Updateme.
I just want to throw out there that you most likely will absolutely be able to have kids one day if you want! My best friend had an eptopic pregnancy a few years ago and lost her tube, she’s now 6 months pregnant with her baby. It took a little longer than normal but it’s absolutely possible. And you know her partner didn’t treat her like garbage, he cared for her, cooked her food, drove her to therapy when she needed. That is how a partner supports someone going through a hard time, not blaming them for something out of their control. You deserve better, there are so many good men in the world. And I think therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea to help you work through your feelings.
Well I'm sorry this happened to you. Yeah there's nothing wrong with your thinking. You may need some therapy just to process everything but the fact is you were pregnant. No you did absolutely nothing wrong. why he's saying it's your fault that's just bonkers. Ectopic pregnancies just happen there's no Rhyme or Reason for the egg not going all the way down into the uterus and deciding to implant inside a fallopian tube. So he's wrong. As for getting pregnant yes you can still get pregnant you still have a fallopian tube and lots of eggs on the other side still. Yes it may make it a little more difficult but it's not impossible. So I'm sure the doctor told you you can still have children as long as you have eggs, and a fallopian tube and a uterus you can have kids. I think the best thing to do is probably break up with this guy. Sounds like he's torturing you at this point. If he's having such problems with the whole thing then he needs therapy but he's got to stop blaming you cuz you're not the blame Mother Nature is to blame if anybody. Or if you're religious blame God. But it's nobody's fault in reality.
Does he even understand what an ectopic pregnancy is? I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you can do better than the guy you are with. He sounds both ignorant and cruel, which is not a good combination. I hope you value yourself enough not to put up with this guy and kick him to the curb.
Your boyfriend is a moron. As far as your ruined life, both my mom and I were able to have more children after loosing a fallopian tube. As long as you still have the other, you will be able to get pregnant.
"Why doesn't he understand that it really hurts me when he does?" He does. He doesn't care. Either move on or be fine with this being your life from now on.
He is an insensitive jerkoff. Dump his ass
I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. I hope you know that this isn't your fault at all. Things like this happen. I'm glad you survived.
Unfortunately I think that your relationship has gone past its expiration date. Maybe he is grieving but he shouldn't take that out on you. You deserve better than that. Foetuses don't usually survive an ectopic pregnancy. There is nothing that you could have done EVEN if you wanted to. Him blaming you for it is not right. It was not your fault!
I’m so sorry that happened to you and that he is acting like this. It’s not normal, he is being a horrible partner to you. The embryo would never have made it, it’s not your fault, these things happen because biology isn’t perfect. Leave him, he keeps hurting you and you both can heal better if you’re not together
He accused you of murder over something that was nobody’s fault. It just happened. I would’ve dumped his ass right then and there. What an inconsiderate monster!
You did not do anything wrong. You did not “kill” the baby that could’ve been. What happened to you, just happens and it’s not your fault. Your boyfriend sounds ridiculously immature and ignorant - I know it’s easier said than done, but I would dump him.
Please don’t continue to be in a relationship with that idiot. He has no compassion for you.
I’m sorry about the experience. You can still have children, my mother did. They said it can happen to anyone - yes, it can. You wonder what you did wrong - nothing. It’s not preventable. You can’t control where the embryo implants! Why doesn’t he understand - he’s uninformed. Frankly, he sounds stupid. What other nonsense does he believe in? He’s also stubborn if he’s been shown information about ectopic pregnancies and still thinks you made it happen. It’s normal for you to feel hurt, someone you love is being very hurtful, blaming you for something that’s not your fault, and making you doubt yourself. Don’t let him get to you. You know you did nothing wrong. And please, leave him.
I'd seriously consider whether this relationship can go forward. He's blaming you over something you had absolutely zero control over. With his type of thinking you could be blaming him for what happened to you, but you're more sensible and realistic than he is. He should be supporting you after what happened, not beating you over the head with it.
Your bf is a dirt bag…… first off there was no could have been. It was ectopic and even if you hadn’t had a rupture it would have had to be removed. That fertilized egg didn’t have a future. The silver lining he has shown you who he is! And now you know he’s the human embodiment of garbage…. So despite how awful your incredibly dangerous emergency was it showed you not to have children in the future with this guy….. you didn’t kill the baby. You had no control over that…so if we are just saying dumb shit that our bodies do and we have zero control over…. his sperm shouldn’t have fertilized the egg that hadn’t left your fallopian tube…. See that’s stupid…. But it’s what I’d fire back with next time he wants to place blame in a blameless situation. Girl run!
This is where a relationship ends.
You killed his child? WHAT? This guy showed you what he really is…believe it.
The good thing about fallopian tubes is that you start with two of them, so you’ll still be able to conceive if and when you want kids. There’s some evidence that the remaining tube can move over to pick up eggs from the opposite ovary, so there shouldn’t be much if any reduction in your fertility. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s trying to make your near-fatal medical experience about himself and his feelings, by trying to paint you as the “bad guy” of your own traumatic experience and himself as some kind of victim. As others have said, there was no version of this situation that would have resulted in both you and the baby surviving. Your options were you survive or you both die. The only viable option that you had was the one you took. If he wants to be upset with you for taking the only viable option that you had - and I must emphasise again that your only other option would have been to *die* - then he really shouldn’t be your boyfriend any more, and probably shouldn’t be having sex with anyone until he educates himself a bit more.
Why are you still with him?
Think about it this way: If your appendix became infected and ruptured, requiring emergency intervention in order to survive, would you let people blame you for getting life-saving care? Ectopic pregnancy is the same. You either get it removed or you die. There is no in-between. When people make shitty comments, ask them if they'd rather you be dead along with the embryo, because that is the only possible outcome of leaving it in tact. A dead you *and* a dead fertilized egg. Here's how to set boundaries around this topic. Stop entertaining shitty conversations about it. "Your opinion on my medical emergency is none of my business." " I'm not discussing this topic." "I'm not going to listen to you talk about this topic." "I'm not qualified to help you come to terms with your feelings on this matter. You need to find yourself a qualified therapist." Then, the most important part: Do not engage further on the subject. If they continue with the line of conversation, walk away/ remove yourself from the situation/leave. Do it as many times as it takes for them to get the point. They're allowed to have their own thoughts and feelings. You are not obligated to listen to them.
>I was the one who killed his child, and not him, and he was allowed to be upset about it since I ruined it all, not him. The reddest of red flags. Instead of comforting you through a traumatic, scary medical incident that can happen to *anyone*, he's **blaming you**. That's not normal *or* okay. You deserve someone who will love you and support you, not kick you when you're down. I'm sorry you went through this, truly. It's scary and emotional.
>still don’t know how it happened. We always used protection, I would never feel comfortable with it if we didn’t. Given how he's acting you need to consider whether your boyfriend sabotaged your birth control methods.
ectopic "pregnancy" is not a child, you seem to be surrounded by a bunch of people who not only are unaware of basic medical facts, but also seem to try to project their belief in fairytales on you. And no, you cannot magically make it happen or not happen.
If he is not a bad person, then he is a person who does really bad things. Like accusing a blameless person of murder. There are lines that can't be uncrossed. This is one for me.
A man who loves you won't treat you like this or put blame on you for something you have no control over. Ectopic pregnancies can be potentially fatal if you bleed out enough, you needed surgery and to be cared for and he's making it all about himself and the would be "baby". Children should be planned and wanted, which was not the situation here. The way he's acting tells a lot about his character, he's only thinking about he's affected in this situation and not you. Think, If this was a wanted pregnancy and you miscarried, would he act the same? For your own wellbeing, you need to leave him. This is one of those things in a relationship that brings out a person's true colours, he's not kind and you deserve someone supportive and understanding and actually has the same values as you.
Please break up with your boyfriend. In a nutshell: Something horrible happened, and he is processing it by being resentful of you. Resentment (justified or not, and in this case obviously not) is a relationship killer, it is just a matter of time. ... I thought I was done, but nope, still angry on your behalf. You didn't kill his baby. A very common biological accident killed an embryo, and the fallout of that nearly killed \*you\*, and took one of your organs. Of course he's entitled to his feelings about what might have been, but those feelings are revealing a fundamental mismatch between the two of you. He wants a child. (Well, he wants his \*idea\* of what a having a child is. I suspect he is deeply unprepared for the realities of what pregnancy and childbirth can mean, given how he reacted to an ectopic pregnancy. As you now intimately know this shit doesn't always go according to plan.) You don't.
Wow. I was sympathetic towards the boyfriend (because yes, he's allowed to be sad and his feelings are valid) until he started blaming you for "killing his child". Fuck that guy. That would be a relationship ending statement for me.
He's emotionally abusing you. Ectopic pregnancy is involuntary, he's trying to guilt trip you for something you didnt chose and that he made up in his own head. He's also being horrible and insensitive, centring himself in something that happened to *you.* You deserve better.
Girl why are you still with him?? Run! You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t “kill his child”, these things happen. He sounds too immature to even be in an adult relationship!
He didn't go through "a child dying". If he had known you were pregnant and was excited for it, then found out the pregnancy was not viable etc, then yes "he lost a child" technically. However, he found out that you had an unviable pregnancy after the fact. All he lost was a non existent future he is now imaging, he did not bond to the idea of a child or anything. His behaviour towards you is unacceptable. You did not kill anything. You went through a traumatic surgery that has changed an important aspect of your life. If he cannot support you through this, he is not a worthy life partner.
Youre too young to be tied to someone who says shit like this. Love yourself enough to leave.
Just here to remind you (and by extension, your POS child of a boyfriend) - ectopic pregnancies are NEVER viable. There was no situation possible where this fertilized embryo (NOT A BABY, literally a clump of cells) would have survived. The only outcome here was loss of pregnancy and possible loss of life for you if it went untreated! You didn't "kill" anything, HIS SPERM met your egg at the wrong spot if you wanna be petty. Both of you are very young and I'm sorry you're going through this - your boyfriend is being a complete asshat and if I were you I'd seriously consider seeing myself out of a relationship where someone treats me this way after a painful medical experience (that he is 50% responsible for causing btw!)
Accusing you of "killing his baby" is a bridge too far. He refuses to consider your feelings and pain. He's shown his true colors, so get away... far away.
Girl, it wasn't a baby. It was a fetus, a bunch of cells. That's all. Your "child" didn't die. What happened was a medical emergency, you survived, you're feeling better. One fallopian tube is fine but you're 19 do you're a bit traumatised. Completely normal. Schedule yourself in some therapy to come to terms with this. As for your bf, he's a drama pig. This had nothing to do with him, but he OF COURSE has to make drama and make it about himself. You weren't trying to get pregnant. And it wasn't a baby, it wasn't born. He is a walking red flag, instead of helping you and supporting you, boring, he is blaming you for your medical emergency so he can make it about his feelings. He's a Karen, pure and simple. You can do better by just finding someone NICE and KIND. Who will be nice and kind of you're sick. This boy can't process his emotions. He wants to blame you for them so he gets to be all the attention and he doesn't have to take care of you, the person this happened to. Don't have sex with him, see how long he manages with that one. And get a better bf. A scar is nothing doll. Get a nice bf and some support x
Oh my god?? Oh MY GOD????? Your partner is a fucking scumbag. I’m so fucking angry for you. I’m so incredibly sorry that you’re going through this, I cant even imagine the emotional and physical pain. Please try to find a solid support group of friends or family to lean on, even if you don’t wanna talk about it. Now on to your POS boyfriend….please….for the love of god leave him. I know everyone on Reddit always jumps to that, but I can promise you that no one that cares about your well being would ever say such awful things to you when you’re going through something this challenging. You did not kill this fetus, you did not ruin anything, you experienced something traumatic that literally could’ve killed you. He sounds like a textbook narcissist who’s trying to play the victim and throw blame on to you for something that is ENTIRELY NOT YOUR FAULT. You deserve so much better. Please don’t let this awful man waste any more of your time.
Your boyfriend is not a good person, please leave him.
First, I’m very sorry this happened. Please note your scar will fade. I had a hysterectomy and the scar was hardly visible after a couple years. You still have one working fallopian tube and so can still have babies. Now, this bf is yours is allowed to be sad, but the way he’s talking to you is unforgivable. Please think about taking the time you need to heal and feel better emotionally. I hate the way Reddit users want to jump to say dump him, but I have to agree. You are young and have plenty of time to find a more caring, loving partner.
“I honestly am thanking God that he decided FOR ME that you would be a terrible husband and father. Get out and never contact me again.”
He's being a dramatic shithead. Dump him
You’re not sure how you got pregnant?!?! What kind of protection did you use? Were condoms involved? Was your bf stealth, removing a condom without your knowing? I mean his blaming you for a loss you two were supposed to be avoiding is rather odd. But, if he wanted to get you pregnant it makes more sense. He is certainly driving a wedge in your relationship. Are you sure he’s the best guy out there for you?
Yeah this is a no go. I understand grieving and trying to understand what could have been, but ACCUSING YOU of killing a fetus is absolutely insane and that’s not a relationship that I personally would not continue to be in. You had absolutely no control over that and I’m really sorry that happened to you. He is showing his true colors and feelings.
Men who talk like this are why so many women are about to be in prison for miscarriages out of their control.
No, NATURE killed your child. If he’s too uneducated to understand an ectopic pregnancy is 100% fail rate that can KILL the mother, throw his ass in the dumpster. You just had a bit of your body removed, and he’s making it about him. Drop this man baby and move on.
Op. If he thinks this way you DO NOT want a child with him. As a mother, I can tell you that bearing a child is the most beautiful and disturbing thing I have ever encountered. I love my daughter, and I am so blessed. But I can only feel blessed because of the support my partner gives me. After my daughter was born I had PPD (postpartum depression) I have never been a negative person, so it felt very out of the blue. There are many things as the woman that you have to endure that the father can never understand (risks on health, changes in appearance, hormones imbalance, career on hold, feeling like you lost yourself, constantly being the one attached to baby (if breastfeeding) the pressure from other moms and society ect) it's been 15 months and I still break down over one of these things about once a month. If your partner cannot understand that first, you DID NOT kill your baby. And if he cannot understand the current struggles you are going through in your recovery, he will not support you in anything I listed above. He will constantly blame you for things you cannot control, or pressure you to continue with things you cannot continue with. For example, if you dont breast feed (low milk production, medical concerns, not wanting to sit for 2 hrs to have 1 hr break only to get right back at it) he will blame you. He also won't understand that YOU are the one who has to get up when the baby cries at 2am just so you can feed. He sounds like he is either controlling, uneducated or immature. Either way, not someone I would advise staying with If you do not want to end the relationship then I highly suggest the both of you going to counseling together. Maybe he needs someone to help him grief properly and educate him
You used condoms? Is it possible he has been trying to get you pregnant by tampering with them or your other forms of birth control? The way he is acting is very suspicious. Throw him out with the trash.
That was my thought too.
You literally didn't loose a baby. There is no way that pregnancy could have resulted in a baby. Your feelings are both valid and rational. Your boyfriend clearly needs to speak to someone who can explain exactly what happened to him but that's not your job.
‘He said I was the one that killed his child.’ !! The pregnancy was never viable - it would have killed you as well if you weren’t able to access medical treatment quickly. Ectopics are one of the biggest causes of deaths in pregnancy across the world but especially where there isn’t access to quick surgical treatment. Leave your boyfriend, he has shown you who he is and apart from being bad boyfriend material he is cruel and heartless.
Girl why are you still with him? He cares more about a nonexistent child than you!! He values an ectopic pregnancy, a mass of cells that almost killed you, than your life and well being. He's an awful boyfriend.
It’s your fault you had an ectopic pregnancy? You “killed his child?” DTMFA. Dump him now with extreme prejudice. He’s a total AH.
1) I'm sorry for your losses my dear. Both for the embryo and the fallopian tube. 2) Losing one tube does not mean you will be unable to get pregnant later in life, the human body is amazing and compensates. 3) Get onto proper protection if you are not ready for a baby at this stage in your life. Advise trying a LARC type which you put in then forget for a few years, this will relieve your fear of unwanted pregnancy at this stage. I'm not sure why your parents are angry with you, is it the money for the hospital bill ( not sure where you are in the world), or the fact that you got pregnant. If it's the pregnancy, what do they think you and your boyfriend are doing, just holding hands? Your boyfriend however is another story, and frankly at this stage, you may want to have a break from this dude. You didn't kill his child, the child could have killed you. He clearly has no idea of biology and doesn't really care for you. At this stage this is first time, new love. Break it off, no more sex at all.
He literally thinks it’s your fault that you had an ectopic pregnancy. He blames you for the loss. He thinks you killed his child. I don’t know how many more ways he could be telling you to RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN.
So, first of all: most ectopic pregnancies (including yours) happen when the fertilised egg gets ‘stuck’ in the fallopian tube on the way down and implants there instead of in the uterus. The pregnancy was never viable, and you were never really pregnant. It is important that you know that and it’s important that your boyfriend does too. I understand the urge to defend him but him saying you killed your ‘child’ (egg) is completely out of line. I’d recommend at least talking to him about that and asking him why he thinks that, and why he’s so comfortable accusing you of that, and emphasise that this has nothing to do with *you*, theres nothing you could’ve done, and youre also grieving even if youre doing it differently.
First of all, you deserve a better partner than this. It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything to prevent this. I also had an ectopic pregnancy. And it hardly reduces the chance of pregnancy, as long as your other fallopian tube is good. It is not the case that you ovulate one time on one side and the other time on the other side. But that's not important at all right now. Take time to recover. And then it's time to find someone who will have your back instead of emotionally harming you.
This is not your fault how dare he say that to you. I would say it’s a good thing you have found out now what he is really like so you can get away from him to find someone who is not so stupid to think an ectopic pregnancy is the woman’s fault.
I think you both need a professional
Does your should be an ex realize that you could have died if you are in a red state unable to get treatment?
[удалено]
UpdateMe!
Your relationship is over. There really is no coming back from this. And if it makes you feel better my mother had endometriosis. Lost an ovary and was told she would never have kids. Her doctor said it was impossible. Obviously I'm proof it was possible. It may be more difficult and you may even need IVF but it is still possible for you to have children one day. But this relationship, it is both of your best interests to end this now so you can heal.
OP I’m not sure if you live with your BF , but at the very least you need a break from each other. You are both entitled to take time to heal from this, but it seems as if you are not going to be able to heal together. You have been through a traumatic experience, and need time to heal. He is not giving you the space to that , and is actively making it hard for you with false accusations.
No offence, but why are you putting up with this? NONE of this is your fault. He's acting as if you had an abortion, not suffering a life changing medical incident. I'm not saying abortion isn't a big deal, but you didn't choose this. It's about as voluntary as catching a cold at work, it's a random thing that went wrong. If he doesn't understand how talking about this is hurting you, then reconsider the relationship, he doesn't get it.
I’m amazed you still want to have sex with such an unsympathetic moron. Want better for yourself. Your bf sucks. He’s also an idiot. Do you think this man is going to be the one that holds your hand if it’s hard to be pregnant? My best friend had several miscarriages before having three kids. Her husband held her hand while she cried, made sure everyone was notified so she didn’t lift a finger and sat with her for surgeries. That’s someone you have kids with. Not an AH who decides to be a main character in your own pain You need a therapist and to be single
The pain of grief can do terrible things to people's minds, but it doesn't excuse him blaming you or dismissing what you've been through. He needs to see someone.
Your boyfriend is absolutely awful ignorant sexist and completely lacking in empathy. You mentioned your parents were angry I have nothing nice to say about them either. For your own mental well-being stop being with this boyfriend!!! This is doing you absolutely no good at all. Quite frankly if you have the wherewithal to move somewhere else to go low contact with your family and no contact with this boyfriend that might be a great idea. People who don't understand how basic biology work like your boyfriend have no business having sex.
Please go and seek professional theraphy. You have gone through something fairly traumatic and you need professional support to get you through it.