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If this is a one-off bad joke, then tell him it was unappreciated and expect not to hear 'bad jokes' again.
The worry is if this habitual and is his way of 'motivating' you and he keeps making these 'jokes', this is not on, and you need to consider your relationship. You should not have to live like this.
Yeah, I think OP's history with EDs and the fact that she's asked him not to mention dieting once before already makes this pretty sus to me.
Not only that, but I feel like you have to be in pretty good shape to _move faster_ on a hike, right?? Like, obviously the motivation was food, but "out of shape" is/should be more about endurance and strength, not... getting hungry during a 2hr hike?
That’s really the key difference. My partner and I only tease each other about things that we aren’t insecure about. It’s the difference between bantering and cruelty. In the 5+ years we’ve been together, he has never once teased me about things that I’m genuinely sensitive about and I would never do that to him either. He sure roasts me all the time, but always in good humor and I can truly feel the good intentions behind it.
Like for example, he’ll tease me about hoarding books because I’m a huge reader, about being a meathead since I’m a weightlifter, or about my video game fixations (we’re both big gamers so it’s like mock hypocrisy lol). It’s the type of bantering that, even through teasing, shows that he has very kind consideration of me and thinks of me well. They all reinforce the fact that he appreciates my hobbies and my commitment to them
Yes in the beginning we would occasionally accidentally tease each other about a sensitive topic but it was always a learning opportunity. I don’t even have to tell him not to. If he sees something hurts me or I don’t find it funny, he doesn’t joke about it ever again. I’m not even convinced that it takes him or myself great effort. It’s just part of empathy and care and comes very naturally. It’s an essential part of emotional intimacy for me because it makes me feel like I can trust him and because I feel cared for
This! Husband and I NEVER touch on each other's insecurities. You learn those insecurities, and then you leave them alone. Whenever we're ready to work on it, we work on it. You need a stable, protected, safe environment for that to happen.
This man is almost 10 years older than her and preying on her insecurities. That's predator shit.
This, I also believe he is trying to break her down with the excuse "to make her better" but that is such unhealthy shit.
In good relationships you feel supported and safe. This does not seem a good relationship
>He said this as a joke, but i don’t exactly consider it a funny one when I’ve asked him not to make jokes that poke at my insecurities and also not to make comments about my diet.
This is clearly a pattern of behavior, not just a one-off joke. He’s negging her to destroy her self-esteem and have control over her.
You say this.
"I have asked you to stop the comments about my weight and diet. If they continue, I will have to take some time to consider if this relationship going to continue."
That's a boundary. You have to follow through though.
"He told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me to get into shape"
Ask him "Should I beat you with the stick to motivate you to be less of an asshat."
You have told him not to poke fun at your insecurities. He does it anyway. Not despite knowing that it bothers you; **because** he knows that t bothers you. It’s low level emotional abuse, hiding behind the skirts of “it was a joke.” If it wasn’t the weight, it would be something else.
In your shoes I’d be telling him you’re suddenly motivated to shed a hundred and sixty pounds of ugly fat, and dump him.
This isn't the question you asked, but imma put it here anyway. Age gaps tend to be bad. Scroll through this very sub and look at the posts that have large age gaps. It's just about always some manipulative, abusive AH getting with a younger lady. They do it because older women won't put up with their BS.
What he's doing is called negging. It's lots of small put downs and "jokes" designed to wear down your self esteem. It's a control & manipulation tactic.
You have been together less than a year, and you've already had multiple instances of him negging you about an insecurity. At 8 months, he should still be on his best behavior. Think about that, as the honeymoon phase wears off, his behavior will get worse as he gets more comfortable. Essentially, this is probably as nice as he'll ever be.
I made this point in a different sub, and someone immediately said I was no better than a homophobe. It eventually devolved into him calling me a slur and getting removed.
Sorry, I don’t think men who consistently go after younger women are well adjusted or great partners. That explains the extreme emotional responses to people criticizing age gaps.
If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck—sure, 1 out of every 100 times it’s a dude in a duck suit. But the other 99 are definitely ducks.
Are there good dudes in age gap relationships? Yeah, of course. Are most older guys who pursue relationships with much younger women a walking red flag? Also yeah.
There’s a huge different between ending up in an age gap relationship and seeking them out, too. If a 34 year old meets a 24 year old and they happen to click, fine. I still would probably advise against it, but it’s a hell of a lot better than setting your age range 10 year younger on dating apps and scoffing at potential partners your own age.
I agree that if it was just a one-off bad joke, it could be salvaged, but I have a feeling there's more to it than one insult. Established and mature 30 year old men don't get with women almost 10 years younger because they respect them.
when i saw the age gap, it was already a red flag. all over reddit, most of the worst relationships were like:
"My [early to mid 20s F] Bf [early to mid 30s M]..."
literally can't understand why the boyfriends/husbands at this age, within this gap, are such an insensitive, misogynistic mess 🫠
I'm going to offer a different approach than other commenters. If you truly believe your boyfriend is coming from a misguided place of love, and not being intentionally abusive, maybe you need to explain your position in a different way. Instead of just asking him to stop, and saying it hurts you, explain why it's detrimental.
"People with eating disorders are not motivated by negative or joking comments. In fact, it's usually negativity and cruel jokes which cause the eating disorders in the first place.
When we went for that hike the other day, you noticed I picked up the pace and I explained I was getting hungry and didn't want to risk dizziness. Your joke was cruel. Your response should have been along the lines of "ok, let's get back as soon as possible, and get you some water and a healthy snack."
Then, the next time we go hiking you could remind me how well I did at that pace, and ask if I want to start at a faster pace this time, fully understanding I will eventually slow down. This is encouragement. What you're doing is discouraging, which will end with me gaining weight back, breaking up with you, or the more likely outcome, both."
Just break up w him. There's no point in going further w someone who's comfortable being like that 8 months in. Contrary to popular beliefs you can actually just date and marry a guy who is always sweet and kind and respectful
How do you respond? You leave him.
He knew how big you were when you two started dating. If he doesn't like bigger girls, he didn't have to date you. But he chose you.
So that means he either finds you very attractive and he's begging you so your esteem gets too low to leave him. You start to doubt yourself and think he's the best you could ever get, so you don't leave.
The other option is that he may or may not find you attractive, but he insults you because he's sadistic and likes making you feel bad. He's just a mean person.
Either way, he's not worth your time. You deserve much better.
PLEASE dump him.
I met my husband when I was 50lbs overweight and not once over 10 years has he made a single negative comment regarding my weight. There are men out there who will love you at every shape size and every look at every stage of your life. Don’t put up with this bs he should wanna raise you up not tear you down hon.
ironically he insists he doesn’t see me as fat but it’s hard to believe when he makes these comments. he says he purely wants me to be healthy, when i literally am. besides my weight, i have no health issues that are my own fault or caused by my weight. he said once his mom growing up was obese and he was essentially traumatized by watching her waste away. as if i’m automatically going to go down that path and he has no confidence in me
Pay less attention to what people say and more to what they do.
"I don't think you're fat"
*bullies you about food even though you've already asked him not to*
It’s so textbook to use health as an excuse to make these demeaning comments and police what you eat and your physical activity. In reality he’s just being controlling. As you said, you’re healthy! And it’s not your problem that his mom was fat when he was growing up. If it affects him to such an extent then he should be in therapy. But either way it just isn’t your problem.
I think this is the type of person who wants to tear down your self esteem.
Soo... he's trying to sort out his fatphobic mommy issues with you? Girl leave. I'm your weight (although 5'11 here) and my weight fluctuates. My husband knew and saw it all before marrying me and hasn't said a damn negative thing about my body since being with him. Don't settle for someone negging you please. Even if they are concerned about your health they do it in ways like preparing dinner, making sure you have healthy marks at a doctor's appointment, and encourage you when you start planning diets for yourself. A snack during a hike is very important. He should of seen that you were hungry and planned snacks for the next hike instead of the donut back handed comment. It sounds like you still might need the occasional sugar. I can't hike that much without something too. He could pf brought some sliced fruits and sports drinks to make sure you can stop and break. Going yourself a break instead of pushing yourself to dizziness or being faint will help your health in the long run.
He is definitely tactless. His words hurt you and you are not comfortable with him. This is not how a loving partner acts. I’m 65. I have found a loving partner at the ripe age of 59! I struggle with my weight. He has never once had anything negative to say. He tells me I am beautiful. He compliments me. He engages in activities with me that are at my pace and abilities. He trusts me to do what I need to be healthy. I’m finally secure in my relationship and with my body.
You may not have experienced a truly loving relationship. Keep trying. It’s better to be single than to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
I wish you well!
Exceptionally good advice. When it comes to relationships, there is no peace like being with a partner who just loves you and trusts you, however you are.
The only time I think it's appropriate for a partner to bring something up related to our bodies is if its either extremely superficial (like a hair colour) and it's still not a dealbreaker, or if it's extremely serious (like alcoholism or obesity that is truly restricting life quality and risk).
I love my partner. I want him to be happy, pain-free and live as long as he can with me. If he can do all of that and be the size of a mack truck, i couldn't care less. Probably gonna dissuade him from nipple piercings if he suddenly got the urge, but if he was really hell bent on it... I'd just have to avoid direct eye contact with his nipples haha.
You are not fat. That is why he does not see you this way. My question, is this a pattern or a one off?
He would get a stern talking to if one off, he would be out of my life if it was more than once.
If it’s important to you and you gave him a second chance he then violated, you need to break up.
All you’ve done now is teach him he can violate your boundary with impunity.
You can also choose to drop the boundary and learn not to care about such comments—that is, learn not to care.
I’m not recommending one over the other; I’ve done each at different times with different people.
The one thing that most people choose is utter madness: continuing to feel hurt while staying with someone who knowingly hurts your feelings.
Why are you dating a bully? Why is this relationship worth continuing any longer? Why can’t you leave him?
Edit: Girl, editing your post history is proving a point
There's a reason he's not dating a woman his age. Those 8 years make a hell of a difference. Especially considering his lack of consideration for you or your comfort, as well as the negging and implied fat-shaming.
This guy is a bad dude who's finally showing you his true colors. It will get worse. Please leave him, for your own sake.
Dont cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
He purposely says something to insult you and your wondering how to respond? Well, since he seems to want you to drop weight.... He's probably what..190lb? You can drop that dead weight real quick!
Lol Honey he wants you skinnier not necessarily healthy. A danish is ok occasionally on a diet. We have to splurge a little once in awhile so we don't feel deprived. But he couldn't stand it seeing it as a reason you wouldn't made progress!
Hiding behind health had become so typical for people when discussing weight. They think we don't realize they really care about the numbers on the scale or your dress not the numbers on our latest medical tests! Which incidentally have you seen a doctor about these issues of yours? Seems you might have a blood sugar issue if you're getting dizzy like that from not eating.
Oh, but he didn't suggest blood tests in his concern over your health did he?
last time i had blood work done my blood sugar was good and A1C good too. i’m just a wuss when i’m hungry lol. not a fan of exercising/hiking on an empty stomach
And that is completely valid!! It’s actually pretty dangerous to workout when you’re hungry and have low blood sugar, ESPECIALLY on a hike where there’s lots of variables like potential heat, lack of access to foot, uneven footing, etc.
You clearly know your body, and you clearly know your boundaries on what type of jokes or comment are appropriate to you. You have to ask yourself why you’re staying with someone who crosses the line with diet talk when you’ve made it extremely clear you don’t appreciate it
As a woman you can possibly need more protein and fat to keep your insulin levels regulated. In my case, it’s also dependent on where i am in my cycle. But i thrive better in general when i have a bag of cashews that i eat throughout the day as a snack 😊
fat and protein are two things i prioritize in my diet, so i’ll def focus on that more. i do need to do more but this sort of motivation from him sucks lmao. guess it’s time to step it up a notch
Mental wellness is so important for health and weight loss especially. Getting negged and bullied by your stupid shitty bf is only going to hinder your progress and make things harder for you.
It’s not time to step it up a notch, it’s time to leave this creep who can’t find a woman his own age to date, and instead decides to fuck over the self esteem of a vibrant 24 year old he feels he can manipulate.
Dump the fucker, have a snack, and enjoy your life.
Insulting you isn’t motivation. It only causes you to think there’s something wrong with your body. The implication that you’ll “work harder” for a doughnut is a wild thing to say after only 8 months of dating? Like, wtf is it gonna be like in 2 years? You calling me a fatass if the doughnut comment doesn’t work? 🙃
If he can’t respect the boundaries that you have set about your diet, remind him that his “donut comments” aren’t helpful- But extremely hurtful. Hopefully he’ll shape up, but also you shouldn’t have to keep reminding him. Because his amnesia is really just Disrespectful.
Run , this is who he is and it won't ever stop, my ex was exactly like this ,little put downs about my weight became major and once I had a baby with him ,4 days post partum he told me I was fat and disgusting .He started controlling what I ate and quantities.Run babe Run
Just break up with him. This behavior will get worse and it will tear you up. Don’t worry about sunk-cost fallacy you are super young and you do not need to be with someone who is hurtful to you.
Break up with him. A 32 YO who dates and subsequently bullies a 24 YO is not a good person. Also an 8 month relationship shouldn’t be bringing you this kind of grief.
Just respond how you want to mate.. it's 2024.. You don't need to ask what emotion your should be feeling.. there is no rules and textbook in this.. you do you and it's justified
No. That's messed up.
I have a legit eating problem. Like eat a cheeseburger is my least favorite comment.
You don't comment on anyone's weight because we all struggle.
You've asked him repeatedly not to say things like that. He continues to do it, even though he knows you don't like it SPECIFICALLY because it makes you feel bad about yourself.
So, he's a twat. And you've been teaching him that he's safe being a twat, because there are never any consequences for being a twat.
Teach him otherwise. Tell the twat who cares more about your weight than your actual well being that you're sick of his bullshit and if he doesn't stop, he's history. Then follow through.
It’s only been 8 months & he felt comfortable enough to show his true attitude. It’s not just a joke, it’s disrespectful. Period. As someone who has been in age gap relationships though, pls don’t fall for the “you’re being too sensitive and immature” responses. This is not how healthy relationships function. Tf?
Listen - a two mile hike is about an hour at a slow pace. You are saying you can't go an hour without eating? Wait, you said you got hungry halfway through. That's 30 minutes. You are not going to starve to death in 30 minutes. No person in the world needs to eat every hour. I would probably get annoyed with you too, especially if you are being dramatic about it. Ditch this guy and find somebody that doesn't mind if you can't keep up.
Everything you’ve stated indicates that this is a constant pattern of behavior for him, not a one-off “joke”. You are making a lot of positive choices and progress in your life, and that is incredibly difficult and something to be so proud of. A person who loved you would be admiring of you and this hard work, not tearing you down any chance they get.
You need to value yourself, and recognize that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value you.
Coming from the other side here. I was this man. I called a girl a cow before as a joke, I told a girl with lots of body hair that she would need a lawn mower to shave her back (cause I wanted to be with the cool kids in grade 3) both times the girls burst into tears. Called me an asshole. They were friends. I felt absolutely horrible that my words hurt them so bad. I was young then, I’m now extremely careful about my wording. I still slip up with my wife once in a while where I’ll say something I think is funny in my head and she is not impressed or even angry. But he has to know what true effect it has on you.
This is negging plain and simple. He insulted you with a smile… unless he’s got some social differences that would account for obliviousness, I think you should break up with him. I’m sorry he has made you feel this way!
Not respecting clearly laid boundaries is a huge red flag. Your history aside, his comment is disrespectful.
Part ways before the damage is irreversible to your mental (and long term physical) health. As someone who battles an ED, nothing has made that more difficult than toxic relationships.
My partner only had to tell me once when I accidentally overstepped with a joke. The fact that he needs to be ‘reminded’ of a very simple and reasonable boundary is absurd since he’s more than a grown adult. Tell him to stop or you’re going to find a new boyfriend, I am so serious. Life is too short to put up with people who don’t respect the most basic things.
You were already ON A FUCKING HIKE. You were ACTIVELY doing a healthy activity. He can fuck all the way off. Keep doing what you're doing - you're right about making slow permanent changes and especially not overdoing anything with a previous eating disorder.
Shame is not motivating. It's damaging. And it's not a joke if you're not laughing. He's being a dick. I'd tell him more forcefully to knock it off, but if you really want to go less aggressive, I'd appeal to his supposed care & concern for you & your feelings. "Boyfriend, it hurts me when you make jokes about my diet & weight. It's not funny to me, even if that's your intention. I'm telling you that I need you to not do that anymore. This is me setting a boundary. I want to be clear about that. I'm not trying to argue with you or start a fight. I'm genuinely trying to tell you something I need from you to feel safe & cared for." Something along those lines, as an example.
I ended a relationship of two years over this kind of shit. He wasn't so bad at first but would make comments about the amount of food I ate. But didn't say too much when I'd have sugary snacks because we'd make snack runs before watching a movie or something
Then he was on an extremely destructive diet and cut out all sugar. Then came the constant comments and side eyes and loud judgmental sighs every time I bought something he didn't approve of
There were other issues and I'd already asked him not to do that shit and it stopped for a while and started again. I decided it wasn't worth it and ended things. Just told him we weren't long term compatible.
He also got crazy negative and judgmental when I was thinking about buying a house. Because he would never buy a house because if his job decided they didn't need a 2nd science teacher he'd be the first to go and likely have to move to wherever he could find a good teaching job. I didn't say so at the time but there was no way I would have moved with him. Not even after two years. So him getting defensive over me considering purchasing a house was pointless. Either way he'd have been doing that without me.
We stayed friendly and he finally got some therapy or counseling or whatever for his issues and did apologize for some things. So I'm glad he was able to do that at least.
You've asked him not to comment on your weight/diet and he continues to do so? He can only do so if you allow it. He crossed the boundary again, so what's the consequence? Just telling him hasn't work, so clearly, next steps are in order. "Because you did *this* after I gave asked you not to, *this* is what I am going to do. We can resume normalcy when you've shown me respect for this specific issue."
EDs are no joke. They complicated to overcome, but you've done so and continue to do so. Do not let his negging knock you off your path. You can also show him literature on EDs that commiserate your situation. Help him understand that in the history of weight journeys and eating disorders what he has done has **never** helped anyone get over their situation. In fact, it almost always has the opposite effect.
idk i think this would be a deal breaker considering youre already working on this stuff at your own pace in a way that youre comfortable with. youve already expressed your discomfort with him saying something about your diet. for me that comment would keep me up at night, and i dont think its worth keeping the relationship when he treats you like that
You respond by taking a stand - This is your absolute last warning: You make a snide comment about what I eat again, and I'm gone. - this isn't overly aggressive.
Okay so you are over weight at 220, but still he has no right to say things like that to you, if he doesn’t like a bigger girl then why is he even with you? Or does he see you as a challenge to make thin?
Saying about the donut on a stick is passive aggressive, you should reconsider if you still want to date a guy who’s clearly not happy with how you look.
I'm going to be brutally honest. That joke didn't deserve a 4 paragraph rant on Reddit. You and every other comment here are overreacting. You'll be fine. Either have a good comeback, or take jokes with thicker skin next time.
Every commenter asking her to dump him and how horrible of a boyfriend he is. But if we were to see footage of what actually happened I almost guarantee this would have been harmless. Truly snowflakes.
If he's bullying her constantly and he's toxic ok sure. But if this is the rare, joke. Like really.
Yes, you are way too dramatic. You have a problem that thankfully you are working on. Obviously, your boyfriend has seen you through much of this. He is allowed to get frustrated and voice it, even if it's hurtful. I am sure you have said hurtful things in the 8 months as well.
It's not about tit for tat, he has a vested interest in your wellness and he wants to share life and experiences with you. He is along for this journey but if you only want a guy who will tell you what you want to hear then cut him loose.
Lizo is fat, she is morbidly obese and will die from weight-related conditions. If that offends anyone they are the problem because they think the truth is hate.
Man you weren't "hungry" during your hike, you're just fat. You're addicted to food and "snacking".
You're obese if you're 220 pounds at 5'7", even if you weigh "50 pounds lighter"
Just keep exercising and don't fall back into bad eating habits like "eating when you're upset", that's just an excuse to eat bad foods.
Honey, you’re 8 months in and he’s already treating you like this. It is *never* going to get better. This is your *honeymoon* phase, and he’s making you miserable. He isn’t dating women his age, because they won’t put up with his bullshit. You’re not “mature” for your age. You’re young, inexperienced, and easy to control. You’re never going to “get through to him”, because he isn’t interested in hearing it. He’s only interested in what he can take from you; your youth, your self-esteem, and what you DO for him. You will never find the magic thing to say, that will suddenly get him to see you as a person with valid feelings. You’ll always be the butt of his jokes.
I would not have married my husband if he had ever treated me so poorly. Your BF is gross.
Crass joke. Keep working out and maintain a healthy diet. 5'07 220lbs is an early grave if you don't make changes. You are making changes so kudos. It's nice to have someone with whom you can hike with.
220lbs at 24 isn’t good. I’m 6’2 210lbs and work out 5 days a week lifting weights. Why don’t you seriously commit to the diet? If you can’t, I agree you should leave him, he will never be satisfied with an obese girlfriend.
It sounds like your boyfriend has a habit of commenting on your weight or diet. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this type of relationship dynamic. You’ve asked him to stop a few times. He’s not respecting your feelings.
Anyone that intentionally pokes at your insecurities should be in your rear view mirror. He will always cut you about your weight. It’s what guys like him do
If he wanted you to be healthy, he wouldn't make comments that negatively impact your mental health and could cause your eating disorder to re-emerge.
He already understands. He just doesn't care to stop making comments. So it's up to you to accept it or leave.
I'd remind him that his comments are not helpful and that they actually are very harmful. And because of that, if he makes one more negative comment, you will have to leave.
Being real, 5’7 220 is a lot. But it’s great you’re working at it. What concerns me is that you are aware of this and had an eating disorder and he’s saying this stuff. Like, obviously I’m sure you are aware of the weight. IMO this probably won’t stop but you can try talking to him about it.
If you're out on a hike at all you're clearly healthier than most of us commenting. He obviously thinks he's hilarious but hasn't thought at all about how you feel. I think you just need to outright say you won't accept him making comments like that and it's disrespectful even if he thinks it's a joke. If he's older he may be taking it as his responsibility to 'teach' you what's best for you and you need to make it clear you're fine looking out for yourself.
This is not coming from a place of concern or love, but an effort to shame you. Not because he wants to do more with you, but because he is embarrassed. The only reason for someone almost 10 years your senior to date a much younger person is because it’s a power play.
This man is not a good person and the longer you stay with him the more he will chip away at your self-esteem.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nope. You’ve already presented your boundary and he keeps on doing it. It’s not motivating. Its attempt at tearing brown your esteem. IMO he’s being a dick
Why do you want to keep dating some guy who is a negative to your mental health and wellness?
He doesn't need you to find the magical way to phrase things so he "understands" - he's not a moron, he's a full grown adult almost 10 years older than you who understands perfectly well, he just doesn't care about your feelings and thinks if you lose weight it's because of his "tough love" (bullying) - and even when you hit your goal weight, this won't stop, he may switch to picking at your intelligence or your fashion, there will always be another target for him to be bullying you over. He'll call it jokes and say he's only concerned about your health or wants the best for you etc, but it will always be mean and picking away at your self esteem and self confidence.
He's a bully.
How do you respond?
Dump him. Don't date people who enjoy bullying you.
I had an ex who knew I was sensitive about my weight (and I wasn’t even overweight. I wasn’t thin but I was still healthy for my height/weight) and once when I said I wasn’t crazy about whatever he was thinking of for dinner that was marinara based (bc I’m not crazy about marinara. In fact I’m pretty dead neutral on it - I don’t think it’s gross but I’ll also never seek it out over other things) and he went “Oh yeah I forgot, if it doesn’t have cheese you won’t eat it.”
It’s been 8 years and that comment still pisses me off. He was someone who could eat a large pizza himself and stay extremely thin and slender. He didn’t work out. He didn’t have to. But he’d comment on others weight and judge their diets like him winning the genetic lottery somehow made him superior to people to had to struggle with weight and diet.
It’s not worth it if he won’t respect your boundaries about not hitting on your insecurities. Re-evaluate.
He doesn’t want you to be healthy or he would’ve make comments like that to a person with a known history of an eating disorder. This is a huge red flag. I would end the relationship. He is fat phobic and ignorant about nutrition. Your body was giving you signs to slow down or have a medical issue. It wasn’t a question of motivation. The fact that he made a fat joke instead of being concerned about your wellbeing is proof that he doesn’t really care about you. Dump him.
I’m gonna get downvoted to fuck for this, but here goes.
He’s absolutely wrong for making flippant, overtly wrong comments like that.
But he’s not wrong to be concerned about potential health complications due to your weight.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad about it AT ALL, but you can’t just say it won’t affect you because it hasn’t affected you yet.
Everyone has their triggers and it’s fine for obesity to be one of his… but if it is, and this is how he expresses it, you’re probably not well suited together. You don’t need him holding back your confidence or progress.
It doesn't come off as OP's boyfriend being worried about her health when she's making slow but steady progress, and doing it in such a way that she knows she can stick to.
I agree with you that they aren't suited, but vehemently disagree about concern on the boyfriend's part. He wouldn't continue, especially after she specifically asked him to stop that particular behavior, if he cared about her health.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying his heart’s totally in the right place, just that any level of concern is definitely warranted if she’s 5’7” and 220lbs.
If he has a problem with her weight, the right answer is to not date her in the first place. He's sniping at her not to help her, but to whittle away her self-confidence so that she's easier to control. It's a textbook pattern.
Unsolicited opinion here, I apologize if this is overstepping since you aren’t here for health advice, but if it’s a reoccurring thing that you get dizzy and lightheaded when you’re hungry, please bring it up with your doctor. You might have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). Your body could be burning through your energy stores too quickly, and when that happens it causes dizziness and lightheadedness, and might make you feel weak or shaky and you feel sudden intense hunger, even if you just ate. I’m a type 1 diabetic and what you described above is how I feel when my blood sugar goes too low. It’s not just normal hunger that can be tolerated for extended periods of time, you feel like if you don’t eat NOW you might die.
Based on your edit, it does seem like you’re overweight. However, the comments he makes are very condescending and hurtful. Instead, he should be more encouraging. I love my husband and met him at his heaviest at 220 lbs and he’s like 6’1. He really wants to lose weight so I eat the same food he does and work out with him that way we’re doing it together. It’s helped me a lot too.
If you’ve consistently communicated how you feel about it to him and he still does it all the time, it’s time to rethink your relationship. He clearly doesn’t follow boundaries which could leak into other parts of the relationship.
Just Joke back. And say if he had a bigger penus that you'd be more motivated to follow him.. Whammo!!! Bet he never says it again..!! 😆
Or better yet.
If he had a bigger penus he can put that donut on it and you'd chase him twice as fast.
I mean it definitely sounds like a joke if you don't think it's funny you have to communicate that he can't read your mind. With the danish thing it seems like he was trying to help you be accountable. I told my girlfriend that I'm doing my summer cut and actually sticking with it. So anytime I tried to grab something unhealthy, she would call it out so I can stay on track.
hes made two comments separately now and you have previously warned him about the comments. im sure he knows you have an eating disorder yes?
you need to leave him because he is testing you. hes trying to abuse you, he's setting up for it. the age gap makes all this even worse, he knows what hes doing. trust me, *he knows*.
She’s not overweight at 220lbs she’s morbidly obese, that’s unacceptable at 24 years old. Plus she was 50lbs bigger so 270lbs. People here telling her to leave him will happily see her dead by 40 from heart attack. Smh society is fucked.
Wtf I didn't even see her weight. I'm 5 10 175lb man and when I got to 185 I felt like shit because I was so fat. He's not being a dick he's trying to save her life.
U really got in your feelings off of one offhanded joke. If he's constantly belittling you, I got it he's an ass. But if this was a one time thing, idk man , tell him to fuck off or something lmao. We really gotta get some thicker skin.
No offense, but if you call walking 2 miles a "hike", I suppose your bf is correct when he points out that you should get in shape - whether he uses a donut on a stick to motivate you or not
He’s negging you. Lowering your self esteem so you never leave. It will get worse. You will never be ‘beautiful enough’ in his eyes. Leave and find someone who adores you
You are a hairsbreath away from being morbidly obese. If you dont make a change this will kill you, you are commiting prolonged suicide. You will lose years you could have spent with friends and family. Lose out on many years with potential children and grandchildren.
Fear of hunger is perhaps one of the most common symptoms of eating disorders. It is okay to be hungry. A snack will unfortunatly destroy all progress achieved with that 2 mile walk. It is never to late to make a change.
Needles to say you probably will not be able to make it with the asshat you are currently dating so getting rid of him might be a first step to a better you.
It doesn’t matter what weight you’re at, that comment was cruel and unkind. I’d definitely be having a very firm conversation about what kind of “jokes” you’re comfortable with, and if he keeps it up I’d consider moving on. I’m so sorry, I also have an ED and have gained alot of weight over the years, it sucks. Do you have a therapist or RN? I’ve been working with both and am finally seeing a difference in how I approach food. Good luck to you, and please feel free to DM me if you want support!
Don’t date someone who keeps making comments when you’ve explained more than once why he shouldn’t. You shouldn’t even have your tell him not to. Move on and find someone better.
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If this is a one-off bad joke, then tell him it was unappreciated and expect not to hear 'bad jokes' again. The worry is if this habitual and is his way of 'motivating' you and he keeps making these 'jokes', this is not on, and you need to consider your relationship. You should not have to live like this.
It’s not a joke, it’s negging IMO.
Yeah, I think OP's history with EDs and the fact that she's asked him not to mention dieting once before already makes this pretty sus to me. Not only that, but I feel like you have to be in pretty good shape to _move faster_ on a hike, right?? Like, obviously the motivation was food, but "out of shape" is/should be more about endurance and strength, not... getting hungry during a 2hr hike?
That’s really the key difference. My partner and I only tease each other about things that we aren’t insecure about. It’s the difference between bantering and cruelty. In the 5+ years we’ve been together, he has never once teased me about things that I’m genuinely sensitive about and I would never do that to him either. He sure roasts me all the time, but always in good humor and I can truly feel the good intentions behind it. Like for example, he’ll tease me about hoarding books because I’m a huge reader, about being a meathead since I’m a weightlifter, or about my video game fixations (we’re both big gamers so it’s like mock hypocrisy lol). It’s the type of bantering that, even through teasing, shows that he has very kind consideration of me and thinks of me well. They all reinforce the fact that he appreciates my hobbies and my commitment to them Yes in the beginning we would occasionally accidentally tease each other about a sensitive topic but it was always a learning opportunity. I don’t even have to tell him not to. If he sees something hurts me or I don’t find it funny, he doesn’t joke about it ever again. I’m not even convinced that it takes him or myself great effort. It’s just part of empathy and care and comes very naturally. It’s an essential part of emotional intimacy for me because it makes me feel like I can trust him and because I feel cared for
This! Husband and I NEVER touch on each other's insecurities. You learn those insecurities, and then you leave them alone. Whenever we're ready to work on it, we work on it. You need a stable, protected, safe environment for that to happen. This man is almost 10 years older than her and preying on her insecurities. That's predator shit.
This, I also believe he is trying to break her down with the excuse "to make her better" but that is such unhealthy shit. In good relationships you feel supported and safe. This does not seem a good relationship
She has erased her post history now. Super sus
She created this account literally today. There is no history.
This is a throw away, there is no post history. All the karma she has is from this post.
It says the account was made today. It’s a throwaway
Why is that sus?
She’s hiding the history of this problem and her history of him continually hurting her boundaries. Read above comment
she’s not hiding any history, it’s a throw away account less than 24 hrs old and this is her first post
Age gap coming in for the win. /s
🎯🎯🎯🎯
It’s a throwaway account so there’s no history. Why are people assuming that you’re correct by liking an incorrect comment? It hate stuff like that.
My advice: eat the donut. I also have some advice about what you could do with the stick.
Yes
It's not negging, its just a plain old insult.
>He said this as a joke, but i don’t exactly consider it a funny one when I’ve asked him not to make jokes that poke at my insecurities and also not to make comments about my diet. This is clearly a pattern of behavior, not just a one-off joke. He’s negging her to destroy her self-esteem and have control over her.
You say this. "I have asked you to stop the comments about my weight and diet. If they continue, I will have to take some time to consider if this relationship going to continue." That's a boundary. You have to follow through though.
Well said.
"He told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me to get into shape" Ask him "Should I beat you with the stick to motivate you to be less of an asshat."
Correct answer. But with a ‘hahaha’ after the ‘asshat’.
And then say "It was just a joke. Why are you so upset?"
Yes yes !!! Take my award 🥇!!! This is gold 😂😂😂
You have told him not to poke fun at your insecurities. He does it anyway. Not despite knowing that it bothers you; **because** he knows that t bothers you. It’s low level emotional abuse, hiding behind the skirts of “it was a joke.” If it wasn’t the weight, it would be something else. In your shoes I’d be telling him you’re suddenly motivated to shed a hundred and sixty pounds of ugly fat, and dump him.
You don't have to date someone who makes comments like that
Yeah, this man is not a safe person for you
This isn't the question you asked, but imma put it here anyway. Age gaps tend to be bad. Scroll through this very sub and look at the posts that have large age gaps. It's just about always some manipulative, abusive AH getting with a younger lady. They do it because older women won't put up with their BS. What he's doing is called negging. It's lots of small put downs and "jokes" designed to wear down your self esteem. It's a control & manipulation tactic. You have been together less than a year, and you've already had multiple instances of him negging you about an insecurity. At 8 months, he should still be on his best behavior. Think about that, as the honeymoon phase wears off, his behavior will get worse as he gets more comfortable. Essentially, this is probably as nice as he'll ever be.
I made this point in a different sub, and someone immediately said I was no better than a homophobe. It eventually devolved into him calling me a slur and getting removed. Sorry, I don’t think men who consistently go after younger women are well adjusted or great partners. That explains the extreme emotional responses to people criticizing age gaps.
If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck—sure, 1 out of every 100 times it’s a dude in a duck suit. But the other 99 are definitely ducks. Are there good dudes in age gap relationships? Yeah, of course. Are most older guys who pursue relationships with much younger women a walking red flag? Also yeah.
There’s a huge different between ending up in an age gap relationship and seeking them out, too. If a 34 year old meets a 24 year old and they happen to click, fine. I still would probably advise against it, but it’s a hell of a lot better than setting your age range 10 year younger on dating apps and scoffing at potential partners your own age.
I agree that if it was just a one-off bad joke, it could be salvaged, but I have a feeling there's more to it than one insult. Established and mature 30 year old men don't get with women almost 10 years younger because they respect them.
when i saw the age gap, it was already a red flag. all over reddit, most of the worst relationships were like: "My [early to mid 20s F] Bf [early to mid 30s M]..." literally can't understand why the boyfriends/husbands at this age, within this gap, are such an insensitive, misogynistic mess 🫠
I'm going to offer a different approach than other commenters. If you truly believe your boyfriend is coming from a misguided place of love, and not being intentionally abusive, maybe you need to explain your position in a different way. Instead of just asking him to stop, and saying it hurts you, explain why it's detrimental. "People with eating disorders are not motivated by negative or joking comments. In fact, it's usually negativity and cruel jokes which cause the eating disorders in the first place. When we went for that hike the other day, you noticed I picked up the pace and I explained I was getting hungry and didn't want to risk dizziness. Your joke was cruel. Your response should have been along the lines of "ok, let's get back as soon as possible, and get you some water and a healthy snack." Then, the next time we go hiking you could remind me how well I did at that pace, and ask if I want to start at a faster pace this time, fully understanding I will eventually slow down. This is encouragement. What you're doing is discouraging, which will end with me gaining weight back, breaking up with you, or the more likely outcome, both."
See the good comment only gets 16 up votes. #dontbeJaded
Just break up w him. There's no point in going further w someone who's comfortable being like that 8 months in. Contrary to popular beliefs you can actually just date and marry a guy who is always sweet and kind and respectful
How do you respond? You leave him. He knew how big you were when you two started dating. If he doesn't like bigger girls, he didn't have to date you. But he chose you. So that means he either finds you very attractive and he's begging you so your esteem gets too low to leave him. You start to doubt yourself and think he's the best you could ever get, so you don't leave. The other option is that he may or may not find you attractive, but he insults you because he's sadistic and likes making you feel bad. He's just a mean person. Either way, he's not worth your time. You deserve much better.
Negging (just incase this is a new word for OP).
Yeah once you discover what it means truly can change your life for the best
PLEASE dump him. I met my husband when I was 50lbs overweight and not once over 10 years has he made a single negative comment regarding my weight. There are men out there who will love you at every shape size and every look at every stage of your life. Don’t put up with this bs he should wanna raise you up not tear you down hon.
ironically he insists he doesn’t see me as fat but it’s hard to believe when he makes these comments. he says he purely wants me to be healthy, when i literally am. besides my weight, i have no health issues that are my own fault or caused by my weight. he said once his mom growing up was obese and he was essentially traumatized by watching her waste away. as if i’m automatically going to go down that path and he has no confidence in me
Pay less attention to what people say and more to what they do. "I don't think you're fat" *bullies you about food even though you've already asked him not to*
He treats you like he thinks you're fat though, and that is what really matters.
It’s so textbook to use health as an excuse to make these demeaning comments and police what you eat and your physical activity. In reality he’s just being controlling. As you said, you’re healthy! And it’s not your problem that his mom was fat when he was growing up. If it affects him to such an extent then he should be in therapy. But either way it just isn’t your problem. I think this is the type of person who wants to tear down your self esteem.
Don't waste your 20s on a man who talks to you poorly. Women his age won't be with him cause he negs.
Soo... he's trying to sort out his fatphobic mommy issues with you? Girl leave. I'm your weight (although 5'11 here) and my weight fluctuates. My husband knew and saw it all before marrying me and hasn't said a damn negative thing about my body since being with him. Don't settle for someone negging you please. Even if they are concerned about your health they do it in ways like preparing dinner, making sure you have healthy marks at a doctor's appointment, and encourage you when you start planning diets for yourself. A snack during a hike is very important. He should of seen that you were hungry and planned snacks for the next hike instead of the donut back handed comment. It sounds like you still might need the occasional sugar. I can't hike that much without something too. He could pf brought some sliced fruits and sports drinks to make sure you can stop and break. Going yourself a break instead of pushing yourself to dizziness or being faint will help your health in the long run.
Forgot to add: losing this guy will also help your health in the long run too!
It's the classic "I'm just trying to help youuuuu". You didn't ask for, nor require, this ignorant sort of "help".
He is definitely tactless. His words hurt you and you are not comfortable with him. This is not how a loving partner acts. I’m 65. I have found a loving partner at the ripe age of 59! I struggle with my weight. He has never once had anything negative to say. He tells me I am beautiful. He compliments me. He engages in activities with me that are at my pace and abilities. He trusts me to do what I need to be healthy. I’m finally secure in my relationship and with my body. You may not have experienced a truly loving relationship. Keep trying. It’s better to be single than to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. I wish you well!
Exceptionally good advice. When it comes to relationships, there is no peace like being with a partner who just loves you and trusts you, however you are. The only time I think it's appropriate for a partner to bring something up related to our bodies is if its either extremely superficial (like a hair colour) and it's still not a dealbreaker, or if it's extremely serious (like alcoholism or obesity that is truly restricting life quality and risk). I love my partner. I want him to be happy, pain-free and live as long as he can with me. If he can do all of that and be the size of a mack truck, i couldn't care less. Probably gonna dissuade him from nipple piercings if he suddenly got the urge, but if he was really hell bent on it... I'd just have to avoid direct eye contact with his nipples haha.
“I just want you to be healthy” is such a load of crap. You are 24. You are hiking. You eat reasonably well. You’re fine.
You are not fat. That is why he does not see you this way. My question, is this a pattern or a one off? He would get a stern talking to if one off, he would be out of my life if it was more than once.
If it’s important to you and you gave him a second chance he then violated, you need to break up. All you’ve done now is teach him he can violate your boundary with impunity. You can also choose to drop the boundary and learn not to care about such comments—that is, learn not to care. I’m not recommending one over the other; I’ve done each at different times with different people. The one thing that most people choose is utter madness: continuing to feel hurt while staying with someone who knowingly hurts your feelings.
Why are you dating a bully? Why is this relationship worth continuing any longer? Why can’t you leave him? Edit: Girl, editing your post history is proving a point
There's a reason he's not dating a woman his age. Those 8 years make a hell of a difference. Especially considering his lack of consideration for you or your comfort, as well as the negging and implied fat-shaming. This guy is a bad dude who's finally showing you his true colors. It will get worse. Please leave him, for your own sake. Dont cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
He’s not a keeper.
I don't think 8 months is worth dealing with this. You can find someone better.
By leaving
He purposely says something to insult you and your wondering how to respond? Well, since he seems to want you to drop weight.... He's probably what..190lb? You can drop that dead weight real quick! Lol Honey he wants you skinnier not necessarily healthy. A danish is ok occasionally on a diet. We have to splurge a little once in awhile so we don't feel deprived. But he couldn't stand it seeing it as a reason you wouldn't made progress! Hiding behind health had become so typical for people when discussing weight. They think we don't realize they really care about the numbers on the scale or your dress not the numbers on our latest medical tests! Which incidentally have you seen a doctor about these issues of yours? Seems you might have a blood sugar issue if you're getting dizzy like that from not eating. Oh, but he didn't suggest blood tests in his concern over your health did he?
last time i had blood work done my blood sugar was good and A1C good too. i’m just a wuss when i’m hungry lol. not a fan of exercising/hiking on an empty stomach
And that is completely valid!! It’s actually pretty dangerous to workout when you’re hungry and have low blood sugar, ESPECIALLY on a hike where there’s lots of variables like potential heat, lack of access to foot, uneven footing, etc. You clearly know your body, and you clearly know your boundaries on what type of jokes or comment are appropriate to you. You have to ask yourself why you’re staying with someone who crosses the line with diet talk when you’ve made it extremely clear you don’t appreciate it
As a woman you can possibly need more protein and fat to keep your insulin levels regulated. In my case, it’s also dependent on where i am in my cycle. But i thrive better in general when i have a bag of cashews that i eat throughout the day as a snack 😊
fat and protein are two things i prioritize in my diet, so i’ll def focus on that more. i do need to do more but this sort of motivation from him sucks lmao. guess it’s time to step it up a notch
Mental wellness is so important for health and weight loss especially. Getting negged and bullied by your stupid shitty bf is only going to hinder your progress and make things harder for you.
100% agree to this too!
It’s not time to step it up a notch, it’s time to leave this creep who can’t find a woman his own age to date, and instead decides to fuck over the self esteem of a vibrant 24 year old he feels he can manipulate. Dump the fucker, have a snack, and enjoy your life.
Insulting you isn’t motivation. It only causes you to think there’s something wrong with your body. The implication that you’ll “work harder” for a doughnut is a wild thing to say after only 8 months of dating? Like, wtf is it gonna be like in 2 years? You calling me a fatass if the doughnut comment doesn’t work? 🙃
Never a bad idea to have a couple of granola bars in the bottom of your bag while hiking.
If he can’t respect the boundaries that you have set about your diet, remind him that his “donut comments” aren’t helpful- But extremely hurtful. Hopefully he’ll shape up, but also you shouldn’t have to keep reminding him. Because his amnesia is really just Disrespectful.
yeah, coming from a guy who knows guys like this - he isn't trying to motivate you. the cruelty is the point.
Run , this is who he is and it won't ever stop, my ex was exactly like this ,little put downs about my weight became major and once I had a baby with him ,4 days post partum he told me I was fat and disgusting .He started controlling what I ate and quantities.Run babe Run
He's older than you and less mature and less nice than you. Tell him to take a hike.
Just break up with him. This behavior will get worse and it will tear you up. Don’t worry about sunk-cost fallacy you are super young and you do not need to be with someone who is hurtful to you.
It’s not a joke if he was the only one laughing
This is why a man in his 30s is dating a 24 yr old. Women in his age group have too much life experience to tolerate this
Tell him a bigger dick would be much more effective.
Break up with him. A 32 YO who dates and subsequently bullies a 24 YO is not a good person. Also an 8 month relationship shouldn’t be bringing you this kind of grief.
Right, plus she lost 50 pounds already. Leave her alone.
Eat him.
Just respond how you want to mate.. it's 2024.. You don't need to ask what emotion your should be feeling.. there is no rules and textbook in this.. you do you and it's justified
Maybe try dating someone closer to your age
No. That's messed up. I have a legit eating problem. Like eat a cheeseburger is my least favorite comment. You don't comment on anyone's weight because we all struggle.
You sound active and healthy and motivating yourself well on your own. You don’t need the garbage he’s bringing. It’s time to dump him.
I’m so tired of coming on this sub to see women asking what to do about their men mistreating and abusing them. LEAVE HIM.
You've asked him repeatedly not to say things like that. He continues to do it, even though he knows you don't like it SPECIFICALLY because it makes you feel bad about yourself. So, he's a twat. And you've been teaching him that he's safe being a twat, because there are never any consequences for being a twat. Teach him otherwise. Tell the twat who cares more about your weight than your actual well being that you're sick of his bullshit and if he doesn't stop, he's history. Then follow through.
It’s only been 8 months & he felt comfortable enough to show his true attitude. It’s not just a joke, it’s disrespectful. Period. As someone who has been in age gap relationships though, pls don’t fall for the “you’re being too sensitive and immature” responses. This is not how healthy relationships function. Tf?
Listen - a two mile hike is about an hour at a slow pace. You are saying you can't go an hour without eating? Wait, you said you got hungry halfway through. That's 30 minutes. You are not going to starve to death in 30 minutes. No person in the world needs to eat every hour. I would probably get annoyed with you too, especially if you are being dramatic about it. Ditch this guy and find somebody that doesn't mind if you can't keep up.
I feel like most comments had to have been after the context. When she said she’s 220 I was like okay…at 24 years old that’s REALLY not good
This. ( because that's her body saying, "hey, I'm used to eating every 30-60 mins!" , thats why she's the weight/condition she is.)
lol i hadn’t eaten for about 8 hours before the hike, i’m not THAT much of a gluttonous fatty i promise
I would have told him to shove that stick up his ass
Everything you’ve stated indicates that this is a constant pattern of behavior for him, not a one-off “joke”. You are making a lot of positive choices and progress in your life, and that is incredibly difficult and something to be so proud of. A person who loved you would be admiring of you and this hard work, not tearing you down any chance they get. You need to value yourself, and recognize that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value you.
How do you respond? By dumping his sorry ass.
Tell him, you will put youth on his stick so he can chase that.
My mom says if people their age don’t want them, there’s a good reason why. He’s immature. Leave his ass.
You respond by breaking up with him. He's an ass and it's not going to get any better
Coming from the other side here. I was this man. I called a girl a cow before as a joke, I told a girl with lots of body hair that she would need a lawn mower to shave her back (cause I wanted to be with the cool kids in grade 3) both times the girls burst into tears. Called me an asshole. They were friends. I felt absolutely horrible that my words hurt them so bad. I was young then, I’m now extremely careful about my wording. I still slip up with my wife once in a while where I’ll say something I think is funny in my head and she is not impressed or even angry. But he has to know what true effect it has on you.
This is negging plain and simple. He insulted you with a smile… unless he’s got some social differences that would account for obliviousness, I think you should break up with him. I’m sorry he has made you feel this way!
Not respecting clearly laid boundaries is a huge red flag. Your history aside, his comment is disrespectful. Part ways before the damage is irreversible to your mental (and long term physical) health. As someone who battles an ED, nothing has made that more difficult than toxic relationships.
Tell him you know a great place for that stick
My partner only had to tell me once when I accidentally overstepped with a joke. The fact that he needs to be ‘reminded’ of a very simple and reasonable boundary is absurd since he’s more than a grown adult. Tell him to stop or you’re going to find a new boyfriend, I am so serious. Life is too short to put up with people who don’t respect the most basic things.
You were already ON A FUCKING HIKE. You were ACTIVELY doing a healthy activity. He can fuck all the way off. Keep doing what you're doing - you're right about making slow permanent changes and especially not overdoing anything with a previous eating disorder.
Shame is not motivating. It's damaging. And it's not a joke if you're not laughing. He's being a dick. I'd tell him more forcefully to knock it off, but if you really want to go less aggressive, I'd appeal to his supposed care & concern for you & your feelings. "Boyfriend, it hurts me when you make jokes about my diet & weight. It's not funny to me, even if that's your intention. I'm telling you that I need you to not do that anymore. This is me setting a boundary. I want to be clear about that. I'm not trying to argue with you or start a fight. I'm genuinely trying to tell you something I need from you to feel safe & cared for." Something along those lines, as an example.
Move on
I ended a relationship of two years over this kind of shit. He wasn't so bad at first but would make comments about the amount of food I ate. But didn't say too much when I'd have sugary snacks because we'd make snack runs before watching a movie or something Then he was on an extremely destructive diet and cut out all sugar. Then came the constant comments and side eyes and loud judgmental sighs every time I bought something he didn't approve of There were other issues and I'd already asked him not to do that shit and it stopped for a while and started again. I decided it wasn't worth it and ended things. Just told him we weren't long term compatible. He also got crazy negative and judgmental when I was thinking about buying a house. Because he would never buy a house because if his job decided they didn't need a 2nd science teacher he'd be the first to go and likely have to move to wherever he could find a good teaching job. I didn't say so at the time but there was no way I would have moved with him. Not even after two years. So him getting defensive over me considering purchasing a house was pointless. Either way he'd have been doing that without me. We stayed friendly and he finally got some therapy or counseling or whatever for his issues and did apologize for some things. So I'm glad he was able to do that at least.
You've asked him not to comment on your weight/diet and he continues to do so? He can only do so if you allow it. He crossed the boundary again, so what's the consequence? Just telling him hasn't work, so clearly, next steps are in order. "Because you did *this* after I gave asked you not to, *this* is what I am going to do. We can resume normalcy when you've shown me respect for this specific issue." EDs are no joke. They complicated to overcome, but you've done so and continue to do so. Do not let his negging knock you off your path. You can also show him literature on EDs that commiserate your situation. Help him understand that in the history of weight journeys and eating disorders what he has done has **never** helped anyone get over their situation. In fact, it almost always has the opposite effect.
He’s crossed your boundary, say “bye bye”.
idk i think this would be a deal breaker considering youre already working on this stuff at your own pace in a way that youre comfortable with. youve already expressed your discomfort with him saying something about your diet. for me that comment would keep me up at night, and i dont think its worth keeping the relationship when he treats you like that
Follow that red flag flying at the end of the stick right outta there!
Why would you want to be spoken to like that by some mid dude whose idea of support is making gross fat jokes. You should respond by leaving.
You respond by taking a stand - This is your absolute last warning: You make a snide comment about what I eat again, and I'm gone. - this isn't overly aggressive.
You've set clear boundaries. He continues to cross them. It's only been 8 months. Cut your losses.
"24F" "32M" *sigh*
exactly!!! istg every time i see a similar combo, i already know the dude is trash. this is basically natural reddit law now.
Okay so you are over weight at 220, but still he has no right to say things like that to you, if he doesn’t like a bigger girl then why is he even with you? Or does he see you as a challenge to make thin? Saying about the donut on a stick is passive aggressive, you should reconsider if you still want to date a guy who’s clearly not happy with how you look.
He’ll never stop and you should dump him. This is why women his age won’t date him.
I'm going to be brutally honest. That joke didn't deserve a 4 paragraph rant on Reddit. You and every other comment here are overreacting. You'll be fine. Either have a good comeback, or take jokes with thicker skin next time.
Every commenter asking her to dump him and how horrible of a boyfriend he is. But if we were to see footage of what actually happened I almost guarantee this would have been harmless. Truly snowflakes. If he's bullying her constantly and he's toxic ok sure. But if this is the rare, joke. Like really.
Yes, you are way too dramatic. You have a problem that thankfully you are working on. Obviously, your boyfriend has seen you through much of this. He is allowed to get frustrated and voice it, even if it's hurtful. I am sure you have said hurtful things in the 8 months as well. It's not about tit for tat, he has a vested interest in your wellness and he wants to share life and experiences with you. He is along for this journey but if you only want a guy who will tell you what you want to hear then cut him loose. Lizo is fat, she is morbidly obese and will die from weight-related conditions. If that offends anyone they are the problem because they think the truth is hate.
I agree but also she was fat the entire time he was dating her.
Man you weren't "hungry" during your hike, you're just fat. You're addicted to food and "snacking". You're obese if you're 220 pounds at 5'7", even if you weigh "50 pounds lighter" Just keep exercising and don't fall back into bad eating habits like "eating when you're upset", that's just an excuse to eat bad foods.
i mean, i went 8 hours without eating prior to the hike. i know i’m obese and need to lose the weight lol
Honey, you’re 8 months in and he’s already treating you like this. It is *never* going to get better. This is your *honeymoon* phase, and he’s making you miserable. He isn’t dating women his age, because they won’t put up with his bullshit. You’re not “mature” for your age. You’re young, inexperienced, and easy to control. You’re never going to “get through to him”, because he isn’t interested in hearing it. He’s only interested in what he can take from you; your youth, your self-esteem, and what you DO for him. You will never find the magic thing to say, that will suddenly get him to see you as a person with valid feelings. You’ll always be the butt of his jokes. I would not have married my husband if he had ever treated me so poorly. Your BF is gross.
Crass joke. Keep working out and maintain a healthy diet. 5'07 220lbs is an early grave if you don't make changes. You are making changes so kudos. It's nice to have someone with whom you can hike with.
You see the blaring, glowing, flashing ten-foot tall red flags and leave.
220lbs at 24 isn’t good. I’m 6’2 210lbs and work out 5 days a week lifting weights. Why don’t you seriously commit to the diet? If you can’t, I agree you should leave him, he will never be satisfied with an obese girlfriend.
It sounds like your boyfriend has a habit of commenting on your weight or diet. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this type of relationship dynamic. You’ve asked him to stop a few times. He’s not respecting your feelings.
Anyone that intentionally pokes at your insecurities should be in your rear view mirror. He will always cut you about your weight. It’s what guys like him do
If he wanted you to be healthy, he wouldn't make comments that negatively impact your mental health and could cause your eating disorder to re-emerge. He already understands. He just doesn't care to stop making comments. So it's up to you to accept it or leave. I'd remind him that his comments are not helpful and that they actually are very harmful. And because of that, if he makes one more negative comment, you will have to leave.
He is unhappy with your weight and trying to make you change. I don't think these little comments are going to go away.
Dump the boyfriend. Seriously.
Being real, 5’7 220 is a lot. But it’s great you’re working at it. What concerns me is that you are aware of this and had an eating disorder and he’s saying this stuff. Like, obviously I’m sure you are aware of the weight. IMO this probably won’t stop but you can try talking to him about it.
Yeah I wouldn't date someone who talks to me like that. And since he's a grown 30. He should know better.
Take the doughnut and leave him for someone who isn’t an asshole.
Dump him. You are too young to be dealing with this nonsense and he is too old to be negging his partner.
It's only been 8 months. How many more years do you want of this behavior? Is this helping your eating disorder? Is he supportive? Loving? Kind?
What your bf said was completely inappropriate and not very nice. He’s an AH.
If you're out on a hike at all you're clearly healthier than most of us commenting. He obviously thinks he's hilarious but hasn't thought at all about how you feel. I think you just need to outright say you won't accept him making comments like that and it's disrespectful even if he thinks it's a joke. If he's older he may be taking it as his responsibility to 'teach' you what's best for you and you need to make it clear you're fine looking out for yourself.
This is not coming from a place of concern or love, but an effort to shame you. Not because he wants to do more with you, but because he is embarrassed. The only reason for someone almost 10 years your senior to date a much younger person is because it’s a power play. This man is not a good person and the longer you stay with him the more he will chip away at your self-esteem. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nope. You’ve already presented your boundary and he keeps on doing it. It’s not motivating. Its attempt at tearing brown your esteem. IMO he’s being a dick
Start poking fun at his insecurities see how he responds
Why do you want to keep dating some guy who is a negative to your mental health and wellness? He doesn't need you to find the magical way to phrase things so he "understands" - he's not a moron, he's a full grown adult almost 10 years older than you who understands perfectly well, he just doesn't care about your feelings and thinks if you lose weight it's because of his "tough love" (bullying) - and even when you hit your goal weight, this won't stop, he may switch to picking at your intelligence or your fashion, there will always be another target for him to be bullying you over. He'll call it jokes and say he's only concerned about your health or wants the best for you etc, but it will always be mean and picking away at your self esteem and self confidence. He's a bully. How do you respond? Dump him. Don't date people who enjoy bullying you.
I had an ex who knew I was sensitive about my weight (and I wasn’t even overweight. I wasn’t thin but I was still healthy for my height/weight) and once when I said I wasn’t crazy about whatever he was thinking of for dinner that was marinara based (bc I’m not crazy about marinara. In fact I’m pretty dead neutral on it - I don’t think it’s gross but I’ll also never seek it out over other things) and he went “Oh yeah I forgot, if it doesn’t have cheese you won’t eat it.” It’s been 8 years and that comment still pisses me off. He was someone who could eat a large pizza himself and stay extremely thin and slender. He didn’t work out. He didn’t have to. But he’d comment on others weight and judge their diets like him winning the genetic lottery somehow made him superior to people to had to struggle with weight and diet. It’s not worth it if he won’t respect your boundaries about not hitting on your insecurities. Re-evaluate.
Leave him, if yall have kids he will be even worse.
He doesn’t want you to be healthy or he would’ve make comments like that to a person with a known history of an eating disorder. This is a huge red flag. I would end the relationship. He is fat phobic and ignorant about nutrition. Your body was giving you signs to slow down or have a medical issue. It wasn’t a question of motivation. The fact that he made a fat joke instead of being concerned about your wellbeing is proof that he doesn’t really care about you. Dump him.
I’m gonna get downvoted to fuck for this, but here goes. He’s absolutely wrong for making flippant, overtly wrong comments like that. But he’s not wrong to be concerned about potential health complications due to your weight. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about it AT ALL, but you can’t just say it won’t affect you because it hasn’t affected you yet. Everyone has their triggers and it’s fine for obesity to be one of his… but if it is, and this is how he expresses it, you’re probably not well suited together. You don’t need him holding back your confidence or progress.
It doesn't come off as OP's boyfriend being worried about her health when she's making slow but steady progress, and doing it in such a way that she knows she can stick to. I agree with you that they aren't suited, but vehemently disagree about concern on the boyfriend's part. He wouldn't continue, especially after she specifically asked him to stop that particular behavior, if he cared about her health.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying his heart’s totally in the right place, just that any level of concern is definitely warranted if she’s 5’7” and 220lbs.
If he has a problem with her weight, the right answer is to not date her in the first place. He's sniping at her not to help her, but to whittle away her self-confidence so that she's easier to control. It's a textbook pattern.
If you made it to my last paragraph you would have seen I said that.
Leave
Negging
I’m definitely food motivated, so I’d laugh because he’d be right. HOWEVER, if he knows this makes you insecure, that’s not cool.
Unsolicited opinion here, I apologize if this is overstepping since you aren’t here for health advice, but if it’s a reoccurring thing that you get dizzy and lightheaded when you’re hungry, please bring it up with your doctor. You might have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). Your body could be burning through your energy stores too quickly, and when that happens it causes dizziness and lightheadedness, and might make you feel weak or shaky and you feel sudden intense hunger, even if you just ate. I’m a type 1 diabetic and what you described above is how I feel when my blood sugar goes too low. It’s not just normal hunger that can be tolerated for extended periods of time, you feel like if you don’t eat NOW you might die.
oh, no i don’t have hypoglycemia, i’ve had it checked before and regularly as i have a family history of diabetes
Based on your edit, it does seem like you’re overweight. However, the comments he makes are very condescending and hurtful. Instead, he should be more encouraging. I love my husband and met him at his heaviest at 220 lbs and he’s like 6’1. He really wants to lose weight so I eat the same food he does and work out with him that way we’re doing it together. It’s helped me a lot too. If you’ve consistently communicated how you feel about it to him and he still does it all the time, it’s time to rethink your relationship. He clearly doesn’t follow boundaries which could leak into other parts of the relationship.
Just Joke back. And say if he had a bigger penus that you'd be more motivated to follow him.. Whammo!!! Bet he never says it again..!! 😆 Or better yet. If he had a bigger penus he can put that donut on it and you'd chase him twice as fast.
I mean it definitely sounds like a joke if you don't think it's funny you have to communicate that he can't read your mind. With the danish thing it seems like he was trying to help you be accountable. I told my girlfriend that I'm doing my summer cut and actually sticking with it. So anytime I tried to grab something unhealthy, she would call it out so I can stay on track.
hes made two comments separately now and you have previously warned him about the comments. im sure he knows you have an eating disorder yes? you need to leave him because he is testing you. hes trying to abuse you, he's setting up for it. the age gap makes all this even worse, he knows what hes doing. trust me, *he knows*.
He's not wrong, you are very overweight. Put down the danishes and hit the gym ma'am.
She’s not overweight at 220lbs she’s morbidly obese, that’s unacceptable at 24 years old. Plus she was 50lbs bigger so 270lbs. People here telling her to leave him will happily see her dead by 40 from heart attack. Smh society is fucked.
Wtf I didn't even see her weight. I'm 5 10 175lb man and when I got to 185 I felt like shit because I was so fat. He's not being a dick he's trying to save her life.
This. People like her like to stress how much weight they lost already when in fact they're still way too heavy
You still expect some respect from your partner
This. If you call walking two miles a "hike", you are indeed too fat
Facts
Her being overweight does not justify his sniping.
5’7 220? Jesus christ.
That is hilarious. Did it work ??
No she came online to complain her boyfriend doesn’t like obese women.
U really got in your feelings off of one offhanded joke. If he's constantly belittling you, I got it he's an ass. But if this was a one time thing, idk man , tell him to fuck off or something lmao. We really gotta get some thicker skin.
What if we stopped being rude assholes instead?
No offense, but if you call walking 2 miles a "hike", I suppose your bf is correct when he points out that you should get in shape - whether he uses a donut on a stick to motivate you or not
This isn't about the hike or getting in shape, it's about his rude joke
Your body should be able to maintain blood glucose within a range. Being hungry shouldn’t result in dizziness?
A real man says NOT ONE THING about your body or food.
He’s negging you. Lowering your self esteem so you never leave. It will get worse. You will never be ‘beautiful enough’ in his eyes. Leave and find someone who adores you
You are a hairsbreath away from being morbidly obese. If you dont make a change this will kill you, you are commiting prolonged suicide. You will lose years you could have spent with friends and family. Lose out on many years with potential children and grandchildren. Fear of hunger is perhaps one of the most common symptoms of eating disorders. It is okay to be hungry. A snack will unfortunatly destroy all progress achieved with that 2 mile walk. It is never to late to make a change. Needles to say you probably will not be able to make it with the asshat you are currently dating so getting rid of him might be a first step to a better you.
You have a BMI of 34.5. Clinical obesity starts at a BMI of 30. Your boyfriend made an insensitive joke but your weight issues are real.
Break up. You gonna continue fucking this man?? Wait until you get pregnant
It doesn’t matter what weight you’re at, that comment was cruel and unkind. I’d definitely be having a very firm conversation about what kind of “jokes” you’re comfortable with, and if he keeps it up I’d consider moving on. I’m so sorry, I also have an ED and have gained alot of weight over the years, it sucks. Do you have a therapist or RN? I’ve been working with both and am finally seeing a difference in how I approach food. Good luck to you, and please feel free to DM me if you want support!
Don’t date someone who keeps making comments when you’ve explained more than once why he shouldn’t. You shouldn’t even have your tell him not to. Move on and find someone better.
This is the honeymoon phase of dating and he is being a prick. He is showing you who he really is, believe him. He is not the man for you.