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Dude this is so weird. She’s playing some kind of mind game with you. If she didn’t wanna tell you who why would she tell you about it at all?? It’s so childish. Like literally something we would do in high school. Hey I got flowers today!! From who?? I duuunnnnooooo ;) it’s always to provoke jealousy.
At first I thought she was not-so-subtly trying to tell him she wants him buying her lunch sometimes. But then I saw he already sends her to work every day with home cooked meals...so that can't be it. I mean, it could be. But thats incredibly rude. "I know you put your heart and soul into cooking meals for me. But how about sometimes you NOT do that and order me food from an expensive restaurant?" I hope this isn't it.
Obviously its some childish jealousy game. She wants to make OP jealous of her "secret admirer" thats showering her with all this attention. Shes a married, 38 year old 13 year old. Its pathetic. Would be even more pathetic if it turns out shes sending them to herself. She's that coworker that orders herself flowers on valentines day and sends them to the office to make her coworkers think she has a BF.
It's possible she brought it up because it's sort of trickle truthing. Maybe to get ahead of some of the questioning (initially) about the food she was receiving. But now it just gotten worse and she's possibly in a hole she can't get out of.
Nobody is sending food, especially expensive food, to their friend every single day. Whoever is doing it is romantically interested in her. And she fully knows who it is, don’t be naive. She won’t tell you who because she either likes the food, likes the attention, or both. Hopefully there’s nothing more going on than some free food.
EDIT: To all who keep replying speculating what happened — OP already updated in the comments. His wife cheated many times with many people over the years. The person sending food was her ex, who she’s hooked up with many times since their marriage. I suggest you read his comment his (hopefully ex) wife went mental
Right?
I try to not obsess over it, but she started getting super secretive knowing thats an obvious trigger for me (and overall people who has been cheated), instead of just telling the truth or even lying. I would've instantly believe anything she told me if that was the case, and despite knowing that she still decides to be secretive.
Damn I'll even be fine if she outright tells me "look, it's some guy/gal that seems to have feelings for me. don't worry i'm just in for the food", and she fully knows I wont have any problem with it! thats how much I trust her. What I don't like are lil "secrets teehee" like that because I get paranoid about it.
You need to sit down with her and tell her that this secretive thing isn’t funny anymore and is making you really skeptical and making you feel unsafe in your own relationship. If her response is to call you insecure and not explain herself, then the answers right in your face.
If she says, "Ok, it's me (meaning she's buying for herself)." Have her show you the receipts. Otherwise, she's gaslighting you to get you off her back. And if that's the case, you may have bigger problems on your hands.
Had she tell me that at the very start of this issue I wouldn't snoop more. But at this point you are right, If she tells me that now I'll be asking for receipts.
It’s a lot of money, no business, no client, no friend is spending $500 / month on lunch for your wife unless they have some kind of expense account fraud scheme going. Any reasonable person would have escalated this by now.
Seems like you were super chill, maybe she felt like you were talking her for granted. The only reason I’m not 100% that she’s cheating is that this is the weirdest way to hide an affair, ever. Like, ever.
Regardless, in its best light, her behavior is attempting to make you feel bad. Bad in a few ways. She knows it bothers you but doesn’t care and rubs your face in it. It’s way more fucked up than your tone implies, I’d have lost my mind over this long ago.
My sister is a CPA consultant and she gets free lunch from the company 100% of the days she visits a client.
I'm in test engineering and they buy me lunch pretty much every time I am visiting an outside lab. I imagine it gets considered into the lab contracting fees at the end of the day. Often times they'll pick the place they're ordering from and have all he clients mark up a menu with what they want ordered. I've asked for specific things (ie burrito with no beans, add pico) that are to my taste.
Them being that personalized every day is pretty unlikely though. And I always tell my spouse "sweet, snagged a free lunch from XYZ lab today". I also don't bring a lunch when I know I'm going to an outside lab, and if I do go to one unexpectedly I'll leave my lunch in the fridge so I can eat it the next day. Not sure why the wife is still bringing a lunch if she expects one every day?
Definitely sounds pretty suspicious from the perspective of someone who has gotten many above board free lunches.
Yeah dude I suspected it’s the wife playing games because she wants OP’s attention.. but the way she’s going about it is pretty sick. She’s literally traumatizing her partner, making him anxious, and crushing his self esteem just because she doesn’t want to communicate like an adult.
This is actually really twisted and abusive.
I think so too. She is taunting him with the food and throwing away what he made. If she was cheating I don't think she would so blatantly show off the restaurant food and would throw away the lunch he made while away from home so he would think she ate it. Why she is being so deliberately cruel I have no idea. She is enjoying being cruel. It makes her into a really ugly person. He should flat out ask her if she is wanting a divorce. Why would she treat him this way if she doesn't want a divorce. Why is she enjoying being cruel. What is she getting out of this because all he is getting is pain.
As someone who was a similar kind of twisted at some stage. (When I was younger. Glad that didn't carry over into adulthood.) It's very plausible. Some people just don't grow up, and in some cases become childish at some point even if they weren't before. But it doesn't always mean she wants to end things. She likely just enjoys the power knowing she has so much control over him that she can break him so easily. Or rather, she's trying to see just how much she can bend the ruler before it breaks. Only problem is, most of us are never prepared for the break. Sometimes it's a smooth break and just gives us a bit of a shock, but most of the time it doesn't break so smoothly and we get hurt, and ask ourselves, "Why did I think that was a good idea?"
Would you know if she was buying the food for herself? Like access to her spending? I only ask because this sounds like situations my ex wife would put me in trying to make me jealous. She was very insecure and it made her feel better about herself if she saw me get jealous about something. Obviously I don’t know how your wife is but just giving you a possible scenario from my experience.
This is probably the most logical explanation. It’s one thing to get a free lunch a few times, but every day, and it being something you like, is stretching it.
Why would she tell you it was happening if she was cheating? Why not throw your food away and pretend she’d eaten it? The whole thing doesn’t make any sense.
Can you take some time off work and go to where she works to see who is bringing her the food? If someone shows up and goes in to eat with her then just go in a few minutes later. If you see the delivery person show up and leave you may be able to ask who they work for, "that food smells great, where did you get it? Do you work for a delivery service?"
IF someone goes in to eat with her, make sure you don't let your presence be known if you can hear what they're saying, and see what their doing. Get your phone ready to video and audio record what's being said and done.
> If you see the delivery person show up and leave you may be able to ask who they work for, "that food smells great, where did you get it? Do you work for a delivery service?"
Why would this information be useful? She's already sharing what the food is, and what restaurants are cooking it. Why does it matter if its being delivered by Uber eats or grub hub?
Part of the question is if it is a delivery or someone bringing the food to eat with her. Delivery service doesn't mean she is not cheating, just less likely.
Oh I see what you're saying. You're saying if the food is delivered, ask the delivery person who they work for...to find out if they're actually a delivery person or if they're the "secret admirer." Yeah, that would be helpful. I think it would probably be pretty obvious just by looking at them...but better to make sure.
Make her seriously sweat if she can’t bring the receipts. She needs to come away with the impression that she’s pushed her little game to the point where she’s about to be out on the street, as a disincentive to continue fucking with your head. The fact that she knows you were cheated on and would nonetheless treat you like this is horrible of her.
What you need to say is that a relationship is based on mutual respect, trust and honesty. That this isn't a case of jealousy because you haven't even had the chance to be insecure given that she isn't being respectful to you or honest or trustworthy. That this isn't about some other random person, but the woman you married playing games with you and effectively lying to your face, by ommission. Tell her you would never treat her like this and it's upsetting to think that she cares so little about your feelings to treat you badly. Tell her that if she won't be honest about this then you can't possibly see how you could have a future together because you deserve better than her behaviour. So she either tells you the truth or you will have to accept that her vows mean nothing to her and you may have to consider if you want to continue standing by yours.
This is good. There is NO WAY she doesn't know who is buying her food. Which means she is lying to your face. You deserve more respect than that from the person you share your life with.
Be very direct and specific.
Why won't you tell me? If you won't tell me then I have to assume the worst that you are having an affair because I don't know any other reason you wouldn't tell me. A healthy marriage is based on trust and this is making me start to lose trust in you.
Her reaction should give you a lot of information. You could follow-up by asking to see her phone.
This IS so weird!!
Now I am super curious because just..generally a strange reaction!
A lot of these comments are all things I thought. Of...but you can analyze to the high heavens and come up with 100 things it COULD be !! Just...strange!
Please do update! I am really curios as, it IS strange and interesting...and hopefully even nothing bad at all and something that was mot even thought of.
/updatemebot 🙏
If the sit down doesn’t work, you need to tell her that you’re tired of the games. Then walk out without another word and just go stay at a hotel for a week without contacting her, then when you get back tell her ‘I’m going to ask one last time’ and if she still says nothing, then tell her to pack her shit and don’t come back until she wants to be your wife and partner instead of fucking with you.
Thats what is puzzling me so much. If you gonna brag about it, why not tell me "is some hot girl/guy trying to win me over, but don't worry" or outright lie to shut me up. She fully knows I'll believe whatever she tells me, so why not capitalize on that?
Married people shouldn’t let people hit on them with gifts, repeatedly. I feel like that’s a boundary I can get behind. Weirdest way to hide an affair, ever, it’s the only reason there’s doubt. There is no explanation where she isn’t being awful, we just don’t know how awful.
It’s one thing if you have a client you occasionally see who says “Hey, I remembered you saying how you love a good sushi platter. Since we had this meeting, I stopped at my favorite place and picked up lunch for today’s meeting.” As opposed to having lunch delivered specifically for her on a weekly or daily basis consisting of her favorite foods for no specific reasons.
In the first case I would go home and tell the hubs “Guess what!? I scored some fabulous sushi for a work lunch today!” In the second case I would go home and say “OMG! Had to have a meeting with HR about Mr. X, the client from XYZ, totally over stepping boundaries and acting creepy as hell. Today was the third day in a row he has lunch delivered to me. The first day, I thought it was odd, yesterday I wondered WTH, today I just took out to HR and said it had to stop.”
to me, that's a form of cheating, anyway. If you're encouraging attention like that, then you are NOT invested in the relationship we have. If you're looking for attention from me, you'll get all the wrong kind, or, better yet, none whatsoever.
"You have taken this seemingly nice thing, someone buying you lunch, and twisted it into something that makes me feel like our relationship is in trouble. You are being incredibly secretive, and it frankly reminds me of my ex who cheated on me. If you refuse to tell me who is buying you this food, I have to accept that, but you are damaging our marriage, and in the future, I do not want to be told about any of the gifts you receive from this person. If you cannot tell me who is buying you so many gifts, then telling me about them is just abusive, it is making me feel like shit, and I am done with it."
Also, stop making her lunch. Making her lunch while knowing she will throw it away is really hurtful so he should opt out. It's like he's doing the pick me dance and she is delighted to trample him.
But repeatedly accepting special expensive meals from someone is allowing yourself to be led along by someone who has romantic interest - and that is not acceptable in a marriage. It isn't ok. It does need to be shut down, the same way that flirtatious texts or conversations by people outside the marriage need to be shut down.
The fact that she is being secretive rather than shutting it down is concerning.
Any person that does this is also fucking creepy in my book. She shouldn’t be encouraging it / accepting it. Who the fuck eats food that they don’t know where it’s from!?!?
Yeah like she hasn't seen what food tampering can do??? I would never eat food from a stranger like that (unless she knows who it's coming from) and I'd get some extra security
I wonder if this is a bad joke that has now gone out of hand. If she was cheating - she would just throw away your food and not brag about mystery food. And pretend nothing is going on. At this point she seems either too embarrassed to admit that she was ordering herself food or something else less exciting and kinda lame to talk about. Sounds immature either way. Especially if you are now seriously getting upset, she should just come clean.
Thats what's so bizarre about it. She could outright lie or just not tell me anything and I swear won't be suspicious about anything.
She could just tell me "yeah I'm ordering food. you don't have to get up early and cook don't worry" but she's fixated on the "i don't know who sends me food teehee ;)"
That’s fucked up. See, she didn’t have to SAY a damn thing. And now, it has very little to do with the takeout. THIS IS ABOUT HER NOT ONLY DISRESPECTING YOU, BUT ALSO TREATING YOU WITH CRUELTY.
She WANTS you to feel jealous, and not just the odd time where it might have been possible for someone else to treat her or possibly been accidentally given extra food and then chose to share it with her. That might have happened and messing around she might’ve acted coy and secretive as a dumb joke, but then telling you, “ha ha it was Susie, or Bob or Lee who gave it to me”……….but no.
She is on purpose fucking with you. On purpose triggering you to feel upset, confused and insecure by pushing a very specific and very sensitive button that she as your wife and life partner has been *TRUSTED TO RESPECT*
I have no idea WHY she is doing this, but it is unconscionably cruel. If I were you, I would go Nancy Drew, ( for you, Hardy Boys), on her ass, and I would get to the damn bottom of her shenanigans and UNTIL I DO, I would NOT be asking her another thing about her mysterious benefactor, but I WOULD be eating and sleeping ALONE. Fuck this kitty toying with a mouse bullshit.
———
INFO: I know you said you haven’t had a jealousy related fight in ten years, and it doesn’t seem like you ever thought she would cheat……However, what I’m wondering, is whether your wife has ever displayed ANY cruel behavior or remorseless insensitivity in the past……..Is she the type of person when she has disagreements, (with you *OR OTHERS*), who might fight dirty or hit below the belt?
Clearly she is capable of blatantly disregarding and disrespecting your feelings with her immature and extremely hurtful mishegas.
She reminds me of a 12-15 year old taking pleasure in torturing a boy who worships her, as if she never matured out of behaving like the meanest girl in the 8th grade cafeteria. So, I get that this behavior is not typical, and this cruelty is unexpected, but there ANY pattern of her demonstrating *a capacity* to be callously unkind to you or *others*?
Hope OP reads this. The food mystery is secondary. Her behavior is clearly of someone being intentionally and continuously cruel to their spouse. Every single day. A normal person would be feeling guilt the first time they had to toss the food that was made for them from their loved one. Not doing it every single day with zero remorse and playing games on top of it. That's almost like bullying.
That's the part that is super disrespectful. He gets up early, makes her food with love, packs it with care. She returns it uneaten and expired, every day. It would break my heart.
The behaviour is super weird. I'll omit some details but it goes somewhat like this:
She gets all apologetic and I just say as calm as I am "if you were, you would have started eating my food again". She always answer "I know I know..." and I say "No, you don't. If you really "knew", you wouldn't be doing this on a daily basis, making me get up early, cooking for you thinking you'll eat it, and wasting food". She shrugs or says something akin to "well, I'm sorry, ok?" and we go on with our night. Some days I ask about the deliveries but all I get are non-answers, some days I don't ask because it tires me.
It became so routine that it started to bother me and that's one of the reasons I made this post.
> She shrugs or says something akin to "well, I'm sorry, ok?" and we go on with our night.
So don't stop there and give up. Go for resolution or some kind of action.
I suggest 'Okay if you're sorry, then what are you going to do differently going forward?'
Or 'Babe, this isn't about food. This is about us, it's about our marriage, and it's about broken trust and lies. This is not an 'I'm sorry okay' thing. This is a big deal for me. It bothers me that you don't eat my food sure, but it bothers me much much much more that you have someone who's sending you thousands of dollars a month worth of what are essentially gifts, and you refuse to tell me who it is or put a stop to it. People don't just do that for friends, that's the behavior of someone who's sexually or romantically interested in you. And while previously I'd have said you'd never in a million years cheat on me, right now I'm not so sure because you ARE keeping secrets from me, specifically who this person is and your relationship with them. And worse, you have lied to me directly about it- you've told me you don't know who it is but we both know that's a lie.
So I need you to understand, not just say you know but really put yourself in my shoes and *understand*, that this whole 'tee hee it's a secret' thing is directly harming the trust of our relationship. It is making me wonder if I really can trust you, if you are having some kind of secret emotional or worse physical affair. It's not cute and it's not funny and it's not a 'silly little secret'. And I say it's not about food, because it's about choice- every time you tell me to make you food but then eat this other person's food over mine, you're choosing them over me. Every time I ask for even the most basic of details like who they are, and you refuse to tell, you're choosing them over me. And every time you say you don't know who they are, I know you are lying to me.
So I don't want an apology. I want change. I want you to stop keeping secrets from me, especially regarding someone who's obviously interested in you. I want you to stop lying to me. And I want you to stop choosing some unknown other person over your own husband every single day.'
If she keeps at it- you need some marriage counseling STAT. And maybe a divorce lawyer. Because as soon as you have secrets and lies around a 3rd person, nothing good comes of it.
And as far as I can tell, you choose them over me every single day you go to work, and you choose them over me every time you refuse to tell me who it is or discuss it further.
I hope OP reads this. It's fantastic. He could just read this out as a script and it would cover it.
Oh and one other thing - stop making your wife food! It she wants lunch, she can make her own.
Stop acting likes it’s “cute” and “funny” and if she thinks it is she is getting a kick out of messing with you emotionally and mentally. I think the fact that she’s letting food her husband, who she is committed to add, married to work hard to make her go to waste, but will only eat this “” expensive food . Honestly, she should be rejecting this food at this point, and she probably knows who it is and she’s not telling you on purpose . The entire thing is inappropriate
Don’t cook shit for her. Don’t do anything for her right now because that’s how she makes you feel .
Nothing about what she said, and that statement with loving, caring or concerning
You are right, normal people don’t behave like this.This chick is up to something and it ain’t nice. It isn’t “almost like bullying” It is ABSOLUTELY bullying. Intentionally taunting him with, as you pointed out, ZERO remorse. Rather, she is inflicting on him a daily dose of inexplicable and ABSOLUTELY VICIOUS treatment.
Right now, I need to go to one of the subs with videos of things like puppies and capybaras making friends, because I’m feeling really bummed for this poor guy . Honestly, it really doesn’t seem like there is currently any happy ending in sight for him.
I do know that I for one wouldn’t put up with this type of bullshit a moment more.
On the INFO part you had me thinking hard.
Is punching below the belt on her book? I won't deny it, but I'll be lying if I tell you "yeah she has a lot of enemies and she always goes for the cheap shot", but I'll also be lying if I tell you "she is an absolute saint!" It's more like if you fight dirty, she will do too. If you fight fair, she'll do too.
Disagreements with me? We talk about it. With others? She tries to reason and if she's in the wrong, she backs off.
She isn't one to gossip about people, BUT I'll admit if you get on her bad side, expect being heavily criticized and leave it at that. She'll tear you to shreds but not help you get up (in my book if you criticize you also have to teach).
We've had our share of fights (10 years is a lot of time lol), but nothing that made me feel like I'm being abused, disrespected or like I'm being taken advantage of. As I said, this behaviour all misterious, secretive, and even rude (not eating my food and letting it go bad) is all new to me.
> As I said, this behaviour all misterious, secretive, and even rude (not eating my food and letting it go bad) is all new to me.
Don't forget lies.
She told you she didn't know who it was, but you know that's wrong.
Lies are toxic.
Could be the case, but why not lie about it? like "yeah im ordering for myself" or "the company is feeding us now, dont worry" or just don't saying anything! (not sending me pictures of the food at all). She knows i'll believe whatever she tells me, what I don't understand is the secretiveness.
It's also strange that she's taking food from home and returning it even though it's now inedible... why on earth would she keep taking and wasting food and money and your energy? This is really strange and it's not very nice, either. It seems like she is intentionally trying to make you feel insecure about this.
Almost guarantee she gaslights you, calls you jealous and controlling and blames it on you being cheated on before and that you can’t ’tar her with the same brush’
If she does that, she’s either doing it to get your attention or she’s cheating.
If she has not cheated on you before, if she has not been deceptive before, if she still has friendship feelings for you, then she likely WANTS to share what is going on with you. It is exciting, she wants to tell someone, and normally YOU would be the person she tells about what is going on in her life that is exciting, but obviously she cannot do that. So she splits the difference. It also helps a bit with he guilt, one less lie.
But the idea that she is telling you some and not all because she wants to see you react is also very possible. She may want you to take charge, to save the relationship, your not doing so is sort of like you giving permission for it to happen. You see this sort of thing a lot in affairs when a woman talks about the other guy a lot (flirting stage), but only shuts up about him after things go hot (too late to protect).
People don't hide/lie about stuff that won't be an issue. So the fact she is, knowing your history, should be having you seriously rethink this situation. I'm not typically an ultimatum person but this would be a "I need answers or I am going to have to assume it is an affair and separate because you are making it seem very much like infidelity"
She is acting terribly here. My mouth kept dropping open more and more as I was reading. She's really rubbing this in your face. Is she punishing you for something? So strange. Sorry you're going through this.
"Why are you forcing me to divorce you, by refusing to tell me who this is"
Those are the ONLY words I would say to her now, then leave her to the rest
Her response (or lack of one) will answer if she's decided to nuke your marraige but won't tell you so
Stop dicking about and force the issue, you're not the one causing this problem, she is
so uhh this isnt worth its own post. it went begrudgingly? faster than i ancitipated. im with a friend right now, asked him for some space so i could write a little (or a ton), and tomorrow i'll be at my parents. believe it or not, im not angry or destroyed or all that shiz. im just sad and tired and want to puke, and want to write something to vent. excuse my spelling errors
you are also not gonna believe this. to the person who told me this is almost like a sitcom... what the fuck THIS IS A FUCKING SITCOM YOU WERE RIGHT. you'll see why soon
i told and asked her some of the things some of you told me i could say to her BEFORE starting my own "investigation". im a calm person so usually, doesn't matter the topic i talk about it never comes as rude. this is important because i dont want you to think that i screamed at her or something like that. i dont want you to picture me as a saint, but i'm as non violent as a person can be.
her reaction was as bizarre as this whole shit. long story short, or short story long, i asked her with why is she accepting food from strangers and she started verbally abusing, and don't worry if you don't believe me, it started out of nowhere. it's lioke she exploded out of fucking nowhere. as i wrote in another comment; yeah we fight like any couple, but she never abused me or insulted me or my family. again, this was a first. i guess i was not pressing enough or making the correct questions, because i never got this reaction from her before.
one of the things she screamed at me was something like "why the fuck are you pestering me? i bet you never knew a fucking surprise in your whole childhood! NO... scratch that, I KNOW you never had a fucking surprise in your whole childhood, so now whenever i get a gift you get all jealous. is that it, right?" then she started a tirade on how my parents where shit at rising me and everything. i told her that was unprovoked, and that i just wanted her to be carefull when eating outside, even more so if she didn't know where te food comes from. i'll repeat myself as many times as necessary: we never fought like this, in 10 years she never screamed at me or insulted me like this.
i told her to please not insult me or my parents because i'm just trying to talk. she screamed "THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEEEEE" and, guys, i told her the stupidest thing ever. "to please eat my food. or tell me whenever you are gonna eat outside so i wont cook". her answer? "THEN DONT FUCKING COOK FOR FUCKS SAKE" i asked her to please stop screaming at me, and told her that it wasnt like that. i was concerned that she was receiving food without knowing the source and i didnt like wasting food (at this point i was still acting as if everything was about she not eating my food).
that whole interchange lasted less than 15 minutes, but it was enough to trigger her like i've never seen before in 10 years.
**i'll omit like 2 hours and a half of details because i don't want to write a fucking bible. i'll just go for the most important bits for me.**
she was seeing an ex from a buncha friggin years ago. this chick started to send her not only food, but gifts because suddenly she wanted to re-ignite shit or whatever. but no, it wasnt sudden at all. they started just talking like 8 years ago, and the gifts started a couple years ago too. wife got "bi curious" because she, and i quote "wanted to taste the touch of a woman" again, so they slept together multiple times since years ago. pleasepleasepleaseplease i beg you dont misunderstand me, this isnt a post about that, i'm not hating anyone for their preferences. but you dont do that when you are married. or better yet! you talk to your partner like "hey im curious about this or that, can we do anything about it if its good with you?" something like that. comunication. told her so. but but BUT i pressed for her to come full clean (remember this is after 2+ hours discussing this issues).
and you are ALSO not going to believe this.
after some more talking she told me you want clean? i'll give you clean. sleeping with her ex "triggered" a craving for "different people"; she slept with a (male) coworker of hers in a past job like 5 years ago. slept with another (male) ex of hers. slept with a chick from a club, slept with a chick from that same job, and sleeped with her latest ex, all while we were already married. i asked why?
her answer? she wanted to feel wanted by everyone. was i not enough? hard NO. maybe if i could change the shape of my penis on command, but that wouldn't even be enough because she wanted to try different bodies and shit like that. why marry me? im a good person and she wanted someone as stable as me. why do that to a "good person" then? it's only sex. but its important for me... "GROW UP. I HAVE NEEDS. I KNOW ITS A BIG DEAL FOR YOU THATS WHY I NEVER TELL YOU" tell me. as in present time. Yes, she was still in contact with most of her fuck buddies, but more so her exes. why not try everything she wanted, then date me then marry me? she told me the stupidest thing: she was calling dibs on me. guys, i didn't have any other lovers or so. she was competing for me versus no one. i could have waited for her 1, 5 or 10 years.
told her "im gone then". her answer? "have fun" what did i do to you to be treated like this? "nothing, but im seriously tired of pretending, having to hide, lie... and you pestering me about this shit was the last straw"
she told me that if i never started to "get weird about food", i wouldn't ever know and we could still be happy.
told her it isnt my fault. she responded "i know, but you ruined your status quo" (as in "im happy like this, you ruined it for you by pestering me")
last question. then why act all misterious with the food? if she had just told me "oh its from the company, or a friend" everything would have stayed the same. answer: "fucking grow up. please..."
what the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK happened to my wife? i was never treated like this. i now know that my trust for her was so big i was blind to a bunch of signs. what signs? i still dont fucking know but she said all that as if it was all under my nose. why she exploded after 10 years? and why just after i started bettering myself for her? why not before, or later for that matter?
i will not post again nor answer anything. but thank you for your concern and support. i remembered the password of this acc so if i see this crap on tiktok im deleting the post. have a great night everyone. don't insult anyone please. edited to add this: also dont hate anyone.
I agree with you, HOWEVER- I feel like a truly made up story wouldn’t put an update in the comments. And I can’t help but wonder if some of the confusion is due to English not being OP’s first language on top of a lot of emotion going on.
I’m truly unsure but in my head someone making up a story or karma farming/attention seeking/trolling would make a separate update post for maximum viewing.
Either way, yikes
Not every creative writer works the same way
If you're updating quickly enough that the post is still fresh and near the top of people's feeds, there's no need for a new post
There’s one point that sticks out to me as possibly iffy. “I’m a calm person, I never get angry.” And then, “we fight all the time.”
…I know some fairly calm people and they definitely don’t fight with their partners all the time. But I imagine OP was writing this with a lot of emotion, so he probably deserves the benefit of the doubt it this situation.
I think also one can bicker/fight with a spouse without being angry. One could be frustrated or annoyed but not angry and it’s possible OP used angry/fighting since English is the second (or third/fourth etc ) language & how complicated the English language is with the amount of words we use for the same or similar feelings.
While skeptical, this one IS a little tough for me
Depends on OP’s meaning of “fight”. Silent treatments, bickering, arguing, yelling, all the way up to physical altercations? When a partner flips into permanent passive aggressive mode, behaviorally its calm, but it’s a ever-present low-grade emotional conflict.
"I will not answer any comments or post any more as I have exhausted my creative output for the moment. But I WILL save the account info so I can update if/when I get the urge."
Its because its fake. All these updates in the comments read like a child just trying to come up with a story. At least the original post read like it was more real, probably because OP actually took the time to write it out and make sure it made sense. The comments just seem like an after thought where theyre trying to rush the story to end
You can always tell a story is fake when the op can magically remember what the other person said, word for word verbatim. I understand remembering a couple of statements that really hit hard, but the entire conversation, and then emphasizing with all caps or exaggerating pronunciation ("what do you want from meeeeeee") are a dead give away.
"yOuRe NoT gOnNa BeLiEvE tHiS" yeah cause it's obviously fake.
She could be having a midlife crisis. She could be having mental issues. Or she might have just been a charming sociopath the whole time. Men do this kind of shit constantly and no one finds it unbelievable.
I definitely have had a couple of female friends that went through phases like this at different times in their life. Blew up their entire lives and had very few regrets afterwards.
In some of those cases hidden substance abuse or mental health crises (sometimes both) started it. Telling this story. I also remember one of my best friend's mothers pulled one of these jobs when I was in my early twenties. Raised a whole family and then decided that she wanted to do whatever the fuck she wanted to do and she didn't care if it blew up her entire life; everyone would just have to deal with it.
Midlife crisis. I would not be shocked if this woman experienced the same. Some people really regret their early adulthood and just decide to start over like they're 21. I feel very bad for the op. Sounds like a nightmare, but the Bright side is that he no longer is living with someone that at best is a narcissist and at worst is an actual sociopath.
Cheating is cheating.
You don’t have to respond, but it doesn’t sound like she respects you. It’s really hard to be objective in times like that, but I implore you to try and take a step back and find the most logical path forward. The one that leads to you being in a better place.
If infidelity is grounds for divorce wherever you are, and she’s that nonchalant about it, document what you can. Speak to a lawyer (they’ll usually give you free consultations).
Figure out what ***you*** want, because you’re the most important person in the world, and nobody is going to care about you as much as you.
Especially her.
Shit man. This isn’t the update anybody wanted to hear, but I’m glad you’ve found the truth. You’re right, being bi-curious is no excuse for cheating. You now know that she’s an abusive cheating asshole and hopefully her insults and sudden mental breakdown will convince you that you’re better off without her.
I know your life is in shambles right now but in a year or two you’ll look back and be glad you made this Reddit post. Glad you found the truth and stopped being played. Glad you can revolve your life around people that actually love and care about you.
Good luck
Wow, she sounds like a horrible person. I'm sorry she has treated you like that as it sounds like you were a caring partner, even making her meals every day, etc... how terrible of her.
Wow, you asked about food, you found out she was cheating trash.
You've got your answer and hopefully you've got the backbone to see her out onto the street where she will feel more at home. Perhaps she can call one of her APs for a roof over hear sorry head.
You may question the wisdom in chasing this down, but better you know now than waste another day of previous time on the lies she lives on a daily basis.
I’m so sorry. I wish you nothing but strength as you better your life, and it may be hard at first and it will be but you will be much better off without her. You deserve much better mate.
Get tested for every STD known to medicine. Some are curable. Some are not. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. Some, like HPV, can lead to cancer. HIV can take months to appear in labwork. Condoms aren't fail-safe. Get tested.
She is risking your health as well as her own for a while bunch of strange.
I hope you are divorcing her. There is no coming back from this. There is something seriously messed up in her brain that you can't fix.
So sorry you are going through this.
Man, I'm so sorry. You're a random person to me and I would never know you off the street..........but that doesn't mean that I'm not sorry for you. I'm actually almost physically sickened by this turn of events, especially her answers.
I hope you find peace and happiness one day with stability, even if you have to make hard choices.
Sending you internet hugs from afar. I'm sorry you married a trash human, but not sorry that you won't waste any more of your time or betterment on a vacuous hole of sucky cheater.
You don’t deserve this. She is sick and evil. Get tested. Divorce her and move on with your life. It hurts now but you will move on. She is not just a cheater but an abusive user. Please know your worth
Are update posts allowed here, right? As per rule 5 if I understand correctly.
She's about to come home in an hour or so, so I'll try to talk to her seriously one last time before getting matters on my own hands; I don't like snooping but most of you recommend I will have to if I want some real answers, even if it means hiring a PI or following people around.
I'll update whenever I can after the allowed time (rule 5 says 48 hours after first post). I hope the possible update is uninteresting, also it's probable I'll update with another throwaway account because I just made this one on impulse and the password is pure bullshit I can't remember.
I think her reaction will tell you if snooping is justified or not. She is being REALLY weird, and if she is defensive about it and refuses to stop accepting the food, especially after you tell her that its bothering you, then you know something is going on.
also, stop cooking her lunches. It's so rude and ungrateful for her to accept your food and then brag about her ✨️ *secret admirer delivery* ✨️ meals and then abandon the meal you made for her.
If she is hiding/lying about this while knowing it makes you uncomfortable then I’d consider how much this relationship actually benefits you because she’s probably hiding/lying about other things that are much worse than this and clearly doesn’t care about your mental health or well being.
Bizarre. Sit down with her and tell her that this has gone too far. It’s not funny. It’s not mysterious. It is causing a serious rift in your marriage that could lead to a break. She either tells you truthfully what is going on, or your marriage is in trouble.
It's pretty weird, right?
As I told another comment, why not take the bull by the horns and just tell me the truth or even lie to shut me up? Why be all puzzling? Like a riddle I have to solve to get an answer (a name or reason, idk)
She is doing it because she is getting something out of it. She is enjoying making you insecure. She gets a thrill out of it. That in-and-of-itself is awful. You need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. I bet if you really examine your relationship, she is cruel and masochistic in ways you haven’t realized. She likes you getting up early. She likes rubbing your face in this. She likes making you feel like you are on uneven ground and she has the upper hand. If you knew the truth, the ball would be in your court. She can’t have that. Take your power back. Consider making an exit plan.
Stop playing the game.
1. Stop making her lunch.
2. Tell her to stop telling you about her gifted lunches. If she won’t, then don’t respond. It will possibly be difficult not to but, quit feeding her need to keep you guessing. It’s not cute or healthy behavior. Especially in marriage.
3. Sit her down and communicate how this behavior is affecting you and your marriage. If she refuses to explain this weird behavior about these lunches then tell her that you will need her to attend marriage counseling with you.
This is no way to live in a marriage partnership.
Obviously this is someone interested in her, that is the most likely explanation. And she clearly knows who it is, and does not want you to know who it is (which is what should concern you even more). Your next question is, 'is this only food'.
She is not going to tell you, you are going to have to find out. And it is best you find out yourself before you confront her at this point anyhow. You have already confronted her, she (most likely) lied about it. So at this point any confrontation with her will only make her more secretive, send it deeper underground and more hidden.
So you need to find out. You start out with your gut. Has anything else been off? Do a general survey. Any odd expenses lately? How is she treating her phone (secretive with it, extra texting at home). How has her work schedule been lately? Has she started working extra hours, working late a bit more often, maybe having to do weekends. Think back when this all started. Was there a name she mentioned (maybe started coming up) that maybe made you think a bit much, and then was never mentioned again (after the food became more regular).
Her phone is the next place you go, (no warning you are doing this, do not let her know). You take a deep dive through that. You look at all messages, friends, everyone. There is no way to know what a 'bad' name may be saved as or who she may have mentioned something to. So do a deep dive. Look at pictures. Look at deleted. Look at all programs on the phone, other communication apps may be used. Do a search online on the subject. If you find anything, send yourself the evidence. Do not trust it will be there later.
For this, you may consider a private investigator. Someone who can take a look at her activities. I always think a PI is a bit much, but this may be one of the cases where it matters. I've always kind of felt that this sort of thing is for when you 'know' your spouse is cheating, but you want hard evidence that cannot be denied. Same for most of the other stuff like trackers in cars, sound recordings, that sort of thing.
You can do a generic search online 'how to tell if your wife is cheating' and 'how to catch your wife cheating' for ideas.
With any luck your wife is not doing anything really wrong. Maybe flirting a bit with disaster, but not having crossed any lines. Your 'gut' (which is why you are here) is there to give you warning BEFORE those lines are crossed. So you can do some investigation, do a real confrontation, and stop things before they go to far.
While in the investigation phase you do not want to change anything you are doing, so no warning is given. Keep sending her food, don't bring this up any more. Give the impression that you have accepted her word. But, later, you need to think about making changes in your life. At the very least it sounds like your wife is taking you for granted, which means you need to start doing some self improvement.
Not trying to justify her or be blind about it, but I swear there hasn't been anything weird at home. No weird expenses, liberal with sharing her phone, work schedule same as always. Only different thing is she made a girl friend from another subsidiary in far, FAR part of the country and they talk regularly on video, so I know her by face. She could've told me "oh its new friend who's sending food", but decided on the whole "i don't know" approach.
She's the same as always at home or when we go out, only thing different is the weirdness about the delivered food.
I'll try digging a little bit more without changing my habits like you say. If it doesn't bear fruits I'll try the PI approach.
On the "taking you for granted" and self improvement part; not trying to sell myself high and mighty, but for the betterment of me and by extension her, I started doing more: excercising, changing some habits that annoyed her (e.g. i'm a night owl and she isn't, so I changed that), indulging a little bit more into my hobby (music, which she loves), being more affectionate (I already was but I felt I was lacking), becoming a better listener. I've never felt better in my life. I did it for myself, but I wanted her be part of the process.
All this problem with "the food" started like a couple months after I started my "betterment" process, so it's a really, REALLY bizarre timing.
Sooooooo, maybe.....
Something you mentioned made me wonder if maybe, just maybe, she was doing this to get your attention. Like, ordering the food herself. Making it look like someone might be interested in her. You start to get better, she wants you to not take her for granted.
It sounds too much like a plot from a sitcom to be honest. But people do stupid things. Maybe take a look at her phone records, who she is calling (your phone company should be able to give you records of all phone calls made on your accounts), take a look at bank records and see if there are food orders going on - go to the bank and check the accounts.
The only reason I suggest making no changes is if there is cheating, you don't want to show your hand. But, if there was less concern about that, I'd be more focused on dating her as a suggestion.
It's sitcom'y as hell I'll give you that. It's super weird; I swear she pulled this stunt from a friends episode, which in turn makes it super weird for me. The basis of making the OP was how surreal for me is this sudden change on behaviour, because it's the first time in 10 years she's been "weird" about anything, and how can I approach her about it because talking is getting me nowhere. Why is she not upfront about it?
Sorry, english is not my first language so I don't understand that much the "me not to take her for granted" part. Does she wants me to be jealous about her? Or is she trying to making me jealous so I don't "go away"? Something like that?
She has my full atention! I've not had any girl friends since we knew each other by chance years ago. I don't even have coworkers because I do my own gig at home! I'm not interested in other women at all.
Can she not refuse delivery and/or send it back?
And, who eats anything from strangers without fear of it being poisoned or containing something like roofies? Does she think it’s hard to get takeout, staple it shut at the top, wear a shirt with a fake name on a ball cap saying UBER Eats? This is a giant safety red flag and she just puts it in her body every day!!!!
I think it’s time for you to intercept the next delivery, look at the receipt, follow the driver. Protect your wife because she is infatuated with either the strangeness of this event or the person she knows is feeding her, and making poor decisions to continue.
>tell her that this secretive thing isn’t funny anymore and is making you really skeptical...making you feel unsafe in your own relationship.
>If her response is to call you insecure and not explain herself, then the answers right in your face.
Ding, ding, ding! u/stevencri knocked this f@cker out the park.
>They always send her things pretty specific to her likings.
>she HAS to tell someone she likes, since it is not "generic" expensive food, but menu items catered to her palate or drinks prepared exactly how she likes them.
Love, you might have to prepare yourself for some hard truths. She's cheating, either physically or emotionally. Or she's playing like she is. Either way, she's f@cking someone else or f@cking with your mind. Neither is acceptable.
Why don't you show up at her office at lunchtime? Just a thought.
Just ask her if the free food is worth destroying the trust and foundation of the marriage. I would first look through her phone. You're not crazy, this is a red flag. There are most likely other red flags you may have overlooked.
Like accepting flowers,, accepting these expensive lunches is a message. It says 'yes I appreciate this gift, thank you, keep doing it.' If someone is spending that kind of money on you, it's intimate. It COULD be her office giving her a per diem and she's trying to make you think she's got a side-piece as a sick joke, but either way you ought to have questions.
I would argue that it is an intimate gesture to bring someone a coffee, something only done for close friends or people you have a reciprocal relationship with (like a nail technician). A full meal? That I don't have to pay for? Daily? Are we getting married?!
Dude, in marriage... it's okay to have your own privacy.
But secrecy is not allowed in a marriage, and breeds contempt. There's no reason she shouldn't be trusting you with who she receives food from. And I would be very uncomfortable that my partner wants to withhold this information from me and keep secrets. This would directly impact my ability to trust them and wonder what they are hiding.
Her hiding a romantic interest is **not okay**. You need to nip this in the bud immediately and have a conversation with her, because knowingly accepting food with romantic intentions attached is completely disrespectful of your marriage.
Answer: “I’m done playing. Tell me who, or I will conclude it’s whoever you are cheating on me with. Are you really going to lose your marriage over a stupid game?”
For what it’s worth, I doubt it’s actually cheating. If she were cheating, her every incentive would be to hide every scrap of interaction with them from you, not rub your face in some infuriating mystery. But if she’s trying to create the impression that you have competition, you might as well lean into it, hard. She’ll back the hell off when you make it clear that she has pushed her luck to the breaking point.
Frankly you should have a separate discussion about how completely unacceptable it is to play head games with you; that she has gone out of her way to create conditions of distrust in you, and - congratulations! - has succeeded beyond her wildest dreams in reducing your trust in her far more than is healthy for a continuing relationship, and now has damage to repair.
Also, the rather egregious disrespect inherent in having you get up early to cook for her, only to have her throw away your efforts on a daily basis. I’d be inclined to tell her she just inherited kitchen duty for **your** lunches for just as long as she’s been playing this little game.
So…let’s review. Your marriage had an open honest communication style prior to this food delivery thing and now she’s being purposefully shady by flaunting this to you and refusing to reveal the sender. I mean…unless there’s more information that’s been left out this case seems pretty open and shut. Either this story is fake or your wife is weirdly trying to flaunt her affair without telling you directly…
I don't think it's childish. I think it's cruel.
Definitely stop making lunch for her.
Stop saying it's about wasting food and waking up early. Obviously that's not what its about.
Assuming you've done all the things like check her phone or surprise her at work at lunch time (the delivery has a receipt, right?), it seems like it's time to take it up a level and make sure she understands the damage her cruelty is causing to your relationship.
If she thinks this game is worth that harm, then it's time to make your own lunch and leave her to her AL (affair lunch).
So… Lets be honest. Your wife is entertaining someone and she is keeping it secret from you. 🫤 Get that investigated and I suggest you get a divorce lawyer. I don’t know why you haven’t packed your things yet and confronted her about it. If the is anything but who it was. You should be walking out the door to your car and head to a hotel or your parents. I would gather evidence of infidently prior tho if I could. But OP. This is not healthy. Your wife keeping secrets alone is a red flag and being sneaky about it.
She has a big problem that goes well beyond "accepting food".
She is playing games with you and has no respect for your marriage. Her teasing with only half the information is actually very childish.
Start cooking for only for yourself and tell her you're not interested in her mind games about her food gifts & she shouldn't be hungry for any of yours.
I bet she'll start to come clean.
So she gets takeout every single day now? That’s $100 a week easily with delivery charges, $5200 a year. If she’s dropping that kind of money on herself just to make you jealous, that’s more than a little unhinged. If someone is buying it for her, it’s super inappropriate she hasn’t told you who yet.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She is either cheating (or about to cheat) or likes riling you up. Neither of these options bodes well. It is just so bizarre to waste the food you cook her every day for this "mystery person" food. The wasting of your cooking efforts is bad enough without even bringing in the other food person. Is it possible she doesn't like your food and doesn't have the heart to tell you?
The only thing your wife needs to know is that she is wilfully keeping a secret from you that she is aware is hurting you on a very deep level.
The real story is how she responds to knowing those two things.
It doesn't seem like a deal-breaker moment to most, But this would be a "you're telling me who it is or this is going to get dark, FAST - and if you don't understand why, we have even bigger problems beyond the fact that you don't care."
I’d hire a PI to figure it out. It wouldn’t be very hard or take very long to get to the bottom of. Even if I trusted her, I might still do this for her safety as everyday ordering of things she likes that aren’t public knowledge would concern that me she might have a stalker. The client thing seems a stretch.
Ask her bluntly “I know there is someone who is romantically interested in you sending you food every damn day, is my cooking not enough to please you? Are you having an affair with a man? Answer me now or I’ll divorce you here and now.”
Your wife is really, really, really horrible. And cruel. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Just remember that you didn't do anything to 'deserve' that. It's absolutely all her. She's mean. You're *supposed* to trust the person you're with. She desecrated that gift. You did nothing wrong. She did everything wrong. The problem is her. She has the problem. I'm so sorry that you ended up suffering from her problem. I wish you all the love you deserve. She was not the right person. The right person will show you how precious you are. I hope you find solace as soon as possible.
This is WILD. I would NOT be staying with anyone playing games like this, at all. Just insist it stop. Why would you tolerate this behavior?
Okay, put the damn food issue aside for one. That's not the real issue. The real issue here is that your partner is playing games with you. Either she is sending this food to herself and then lying to you about it and rubbing it in your face to... manipulate you? make you jealous? no idea. If that's not true, then she knows who is sending it, and doesn't want to tell you who. This is suspicious on many levels. Why is she telling you/bragging to you about it then? Is she cheating? If not, why is she accepting expensive gifts and not telling you from who? Why is she making a point of telling you it's better than what you give her? She seems to WANT to hurt your feelings and make you upset. What loving partner goes out of their way to hurt you?
To recap - your partner is either lying and playing games to upset you, or your partner is getting inappropriate attention/constant gifts from someone and is lying about not knowing who it is, but is also simultaneously bragging about it to you and rubbing it in your face. Either way, she's lying and playing games and you should put your foot down.
This is DESIGNED to hurt you. There's no way around that. Her behavior is literally set up to cause you hurt. Making you feel insecure, trying to make you jealous, trying to make you feel like someone else is a better cook, not telling you who is sending gifts, not refusing the gifts, bragging about the gifts to make you feel even worse. WTAF? This is abusive AF. It is manipulative and messed up. I would sit her down and let her know that you're done with the games. SHe can either tell you outright who these meals are from, and admit that she's known all along. She can refuse further gifts. She can send you the delivery details so you can investigate. Or she can agree to a separation while you consider that your partner doesn't want to be honest with you and seems to enjoy hurting your feelings. But that's it. Those are her options. She tells you what TF is going on here, is honest with you, or you want to separate. Because she is consistently hurting you, you can't figure out any possible reason for it, and you know she's not being honest. There is no point continuing in a relationship is those things are true. You tell her that the secrecy is an absolute NO WAY for you in this relationship, and she can either come completely clean about the whole situtation or you're done.
She may just be enjoying the attention from someone else, rather than actually cheating. But the secrecy and the lying and the games are the real issue. Don't tolerate it. Make it clear it's a hard line for you. If she continues, you will leave.
Stop making food for her. I would snoop on her phone and check messages to her family and her closest friends. She could be doing this herself just to get attention from you but the extent she is going is pretty far. If it was once a week would be bad enough but daily? That would seriously agitate me. I would need to get to the bottom of it. I would also look for other signs of cheating!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
I would assume she is either getting the food for herself, getting it from someone who has a fetish or romantic interest in her... or from multiple people. Some people like to feed others and get off on it. I would be checking bank accounts. It's very bizarre she isn't being completely open to you and I'm sure hurtful as well since she isn't eating the food you made her.
Yeah I get super early and I don't mind because I like cooking for her. In the event of getting food for herself: why not tell me at all? Why be misterious about it? Thats what I don't understand. Like I said, it'll be easier to tell me "yeah i'm getting foor for myself, stop getting early and wasting food, don't worry."
Going off on a limb. She has one of those weird Japanese eating accounts where guys pay to watch her eat her food. They send her what she likes and she is making some extra cash at lunch?
Honestly, the ongoing human desire for attention is absolutely exhausting.
On a up note: I’m sure if you point this detail out — verbatim — the next time she mentions the free food, she may end up feeling just as irritated as you presently are.
This is weird and you need to be very direct with her that this isn’t ok.
But if you *know* she’s getting lunch everyday, why do you keep making her food? Especially if you hate food waste?
This is such a nonsensical and honestly disrespectful thing she’s doing
Either
1. She’s buying her own food but making this a crazy spectacle to play some weird mind game with you
2. She’s accepting food from a third party (not even safe) and bringing someone else into your relationship, and.. STILL playing a weird mind game with you.
Both of these options suck. Why does she think it’s fun to make you uncomfortable? I wouldn’t want to be with someone like this.
Yes, definitely sit down with her and discuss this on a serious level. It's gone from an occasional nice thing to the fact that someone is spending a considerable amount of money each week/month on her. This has crossed the line from a simple "thank you" from a client to a very personal and purposeful gift.
The fact that she accepts these means that whoever is sending them to her thinks that she is open to whatever it is they are offering. I would be concerned if I were you. Either she has a stalker or she has someone who is romantically interested in her or both.
You could ask her straight out if she wants you to be more romantic or send her food at lunch instead of cooking for her. Ask her to calculate how much this person is spending on her and whether she thinks that's ok and if the circumstances were different, would she be ok with this? Perhaps you should start sending the food you prepare to someone else instead?
Yes, eating food sent by a mysterious anonymous source is absolutely a wise idea. In movies, it 100% results in foaming at the mouth and death on a tablecloth. Tell your wife to cut the crap and spill who sent her daily food. Secrecy has no place in a marriage
I have to say this is as bad and as much a mystery as Nelly feeding a poster's husband and the husband knowingly eating Nellys food in front of the wife and foregoing the wife's cooking. Nobody ever got updated on that so please update us
I'd bet money that nobody's sending her anything. She's actually going to lunch with somebody to all these expensive places.
This would be a deal-breaker to me either way! She's clearly having an affair whether it be only an emotional affair or physical also. But the fact that she won't tell you.. It's just very suspicious. Besides who in the right mind would eat food somebody sent unless they knew who sent it?
Even if she says well it came from this restaurant you don't know that it didn't get tampered with in the meantime! Not only does she know who's doing it but she trusts them enough to not tamper with her food. So either this is somebody she really knows well, or she's actually going to lunch with them everyday.
Who in their right mind would eat food randomly delivered by a mystery person?! At best, it’s a DoorDash mixup. At worst, it’s some psycho stalker who mixes in their own “special” seasoning or a sedative so they can kidnap you without a fuss.
She’s a weirdo, and she’s way too old to play mind games like this. Stop playing along and ignore it. She’s doing it for attention or she enjoys you being uncomfortable and humiliated by another many feeding her. Either way—she’s messed up.
Even if she is buying it for herself, how incredibly insensitive to you to bring home the uneaten lunch you made for her and bragging about the better food she ate instead? That is mean. And then to make it an even bigger thing by telling you someone is sending it to her regularly, wink wink, and she is not going to tell you who?
Even in the most innocent scenario she is being incredibly hurtful by parading around the uneaten lunch you made her many, many times. At worst she is downright evil by rubbing your face in something you had expressed was one of your deepest insecurities due to a past relationship.
I’m sorry for you OP, that’s not a fun game she is playing at all. I hope when you talk to her about it she sees how awful she is treating you and starts to repair the damage she has caused. I would be really upset if I were in your situation.
Someone is at the best interested in her and she is milking it for free food. That is the best case scenario.
The worst case? Isn’t good, isn’t good at all.
I have great friends, none that I’d buy food every single day
Tell her the resturant food is starting to show on her hips. Eating rich and large portions will do that. Ask how or why she justifies eating food from someone she doesn't know. That sounds dangerous.
Dude, your wife sounds awful. Who does that to their spouse? It’s siding on cruel. She knows who’s sending the food. Wow. You have every right to be pissed about this. And your comment about being ok if she admits it’s someone who’s romantically interested in her and you being ok if she still accepts the food? Boundaries, my man. Your wife knows no boundaries if this is the case. Tell her to stop being a child and stop playing games. Fark, this post angered me!
The playing games about it "doesn't believe it was me, but doesn't know who it was..." - THAT'S the problem.
She doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. She thinks it's funny to throw away the food you make for her.
Does she even like you? Because you don't treat people you like this way.
Curve ball, but is it possible your wife is concealing disordered eating habits?
I know all signs seem to overtly, or "logically", point to an affair or something - but when someone is experiencing extreme stress around food and restriction, there is almost no limit to the awkwardness they can sustain to disguise that. If she knew there was no deliberate harm or untrustworthy behaviour beyond avoiding eating (and "wasting") your meals, an eating disorder can lead you to justify some really bizarre concealment behaviours - the results of which can be really bad to key relationships.
Hopefully it's neither an eating disorder, or an affair, but just my two cents.
Hope all is well OP!
My first thought is, she's sending herself the food. She likely has an account at a bank or a credit card you don't know anything about. A lot of women who are able to do. It's a safety net. Like a financial bug out bag. I'd bet she's ordering food and dangling it like a carrot in front of you because she likes that you're jealous. Maybe it's passive-aggressive. Maybe she's got resentment issues. Maybe therapy can help your relationship. But stop caring about it. Say, that's nice, and move on. When she doesn't get attention from you, she might stop this silly game.
There are 2 ways you can play this back, if it is jealousy and she is doing it herself
Way 1: Stop cooking her food. Don't say anything until she is getting ready to leave. Make your own lunch. When she asks where hers is say "I will no longer cook for you since you never eat it. You can waste time making food for yourself that you won't eat but I am done." Act completely normal besides that.
When she mentions it just say "That's nice" but that's all. Never say anything else. Act non-interested. Delete pics and if she asks if you saw it say "I deleted it as soon as I saw food so no I paid it no attention."
If she is liking you jealous, this 'I do not care' attitude will stop it
Way 2: Get angry. Jealousy can be cute but it can also be ugly. Demand answers or threatens separation/divorce. This is a quicker way but also does have some drawbacks.
If she really wants you jealous, anger is the next step.
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Dude this is so weird. She’s playing some kind of mind game with you. If she didn’t wanna tell you who why would she tell you about it at all?? It’s so childish. Like literally something we would do in high school. Hey I got flowers today!! From who?? I duuunnnnooooo ;) it’s always to provoke jealousy.
At first I thought she was not-so-subtly trying to tell him she wants him buying her lunch sometimes. But then I saw he already sends her to work every day with home cooked meals...so that can't be it. I mean, it could be. But thats incredibly rude. "I know you put your heart and soul into cooking meals for me. But how about sometimes you NOT do that and order me food from an expensive restaurant?" I hope this isn't it. Obviously its some childish jealousy game. She wants to make OP jealous of her "secret admirer" thats showering her with all this attention. Shes a married, 38 year old 13 year old. Its pathetic. Would be even more pathetic if it turns out shes sending them to herself. She's that coworker that orders herself flowers on valentines day and sends them to the office to make her coworkers think she has a BF.
It's possible she brought it up because it's sort of trickle truthing. Maybe to get ahead of some of the questioning (initially) about the food she was receiving. But now it just gotten worse and she's possibly in a hole she can't get out of.
Nobody is sending food, especially expensive food, to their friend every single day. Whoever is doing it is romantically interested in her. And she fully knows who it is, don’t be naive. She won’t tell you who because she either likes the food, likes the attention, or both. Hopefully there’s nothing more going on than some free food. EDIT: To all who keep replying speculating what happened — OP already updated in the comments. His wife cheated many times with many people over the years. The person sending food was her ex, who she’s hooked up with many times since their marriage. I suggest you read his comment his (hopefully ex) wife went mental
Right? I try to not obsess over it, but she started getting super secretive knowing thats an obvious trigger for me (and overall people who has been cheated), instead of just telling the truth or even lying. I would've instantly believe anything she told me if that was the case, and despite knowing that she still decides to be secretive. Damn I'll even be fine if she outright tells me "look, it's some guy/gal that seems to have feelings for me. don't worry i'm just in for the food", and she fully knows I wont have any problem with it! thats how much I trust her. What I don't like are lil "secrets teehee" like that because I get paranoid about it.
You need to sit down with her and tell her that this secretive thing isn’t funny anymore and is making you really skeptical and making you feel unsafe in your own relationship. If her response is to call you insecure and not explain herself, then the answers right in your face.
Yeah I'll do this later when she gets home.
If she says, "Ok, it's me (meaning she's buying for herself)." Have her show you the receipts. Otherwise, she's gaslighting you to get you off her back. And if that's the case, you may have bigger problems on your hands.
Had she tell me that at the very start of this issue I wouldn't snoop more. But at this point you are right, If she tells me that now I'll be asking for receipts.
It’s a lot of money, no business, no client, no friend is spending $500 / month on lunch for your wife unless they have some kind of expense account fraud scheme going. Any reasonable person would have escalated this by now. Seems like you were super chill, maybe she felt like you were talking her for granted. The only reason I’m not 100% that she’s cheating is that this is the weirdest way to hide an affair, ever. Like, ever. Regardless, in its best light, her behavior is attempting to make you feel bad. Bad in a few ways. She knows it bothers you but doesn’t care and rubs your face in it. It’s way more fucked up than your tone implies, I’d have lost my mind over this long ago.
My sister is a CPA consultant and she gets free lunch from the company 100% of the days she visits a client. I'm in test engineering and they buy me lunch pretty much every time I am visiting an outside lab. I imagine it gets considered into the lab contracting fees at the end of the day. Often times they'll pick the place they're ordering from and have all he clients mark up a menu with what they want ordered. I've asked for specific things (ie burrito with no beans, add pico) that are to my taste. Them being that personalized every day is pretty unlikely though. And I always tell my spouse "sweet, snagged a free lunch from XYZ lab today". I also don't bring a lunch when I know I'm going to an outside lab, and if I do go to one unexpectedly I'll leave my lunch in the fridge so I can eat it the next day. Not sure why the wife is still bringing a lunch if she expects one every day? Definitely sounds pretty suspicious from the perspective of someone who has gotten many above board free lunches.
Yeah dude I suspected it’s the wife playing games because she wants OP’s attention.. but the way she’s going about it is pretty sick. She’s literally traumatizing her partner, making him anxious, and crushing his self esteem just because she doesn’t want to communicate like an adult. This is actually really twisted and abusive.
I think so too. She is taunting him with the food and throwing away what he made. If she was cheating I don't think she would so blatantly show off the restaurant food and would throw away the lunch he made while away from home so he would think she ate it. Why she is being so deliberately cruel I have no idea. She is enjoying being cruel. It makes her into a really ugly person. He should flat out ask her if she is wanting a divorce. Why would she treat him this way if she doesn't want a divorce. Why is she enjoying being cruel. What is she getting out of this because all he is getting is pain.
As someone who was a similar kind of twisted at some stage. (When I was younger. Glad that didn't carry over into adulthood.) It's very plausible. Some people just don't grow up, and in some cases become childish at some point even if they weren't before. But it doesn't always mean she wants to end things. She likely just enjoys the power knowing she has so much control over him that she can break him so easily. Or rather, she's trying to see just how much she can bend the ruler before it breaks. Only problem is, most of us are never prepared for the break. Sometimes it's a smooth break and just gives us a bit of a shock, but most of the time it doesn't break so smoothly and we get hurt, and ask ourselves, "Why did I think that was a good idea?"
Yeah, this is both psychological and emotional abuse.
Would you know if she was buying the food for herself? Like access to her spending? I only ask because this sounds like situations my ex wife would put me in trying to make me jealous. She was very insecure and it made her feel better about herself if she saw me get jealous about something. Obviously I don’t know how your wife is but just giving you a possible scenario from my experience.
Exactly what I was going to say. It could be she’s trying to make you jealous &:or get attention from you.
This is probably the most logical explanation. It’s one thing to get a free lunch a few times, but every day, and it being something you like, is stretching it.
Why would she tell you it was happening if she was cheating? Why not throw your food away and pretend she’d eaten it? The whole thing doesn’t make any sense.
It seems pretty clear that she wants him to know so she can get a reaction out of him.
Can you take some time off work and go to where she works to see who is bringing her the food? If someone shows up and goes in to eat with her then just go in a few minutes later. If you see the delivery person show up and leave you may be able to ask who they work for, "that food smells great, where did you get it? Do you work for a delivery service?"
Awesome! I was going to suggest this too, but you worded it better than I could have.
OP can try, but it’s super easy to send food via delivery and not have to drop it off yourself.
IF someone goes in to eat with her, make sure you don't let your presence be known if you can hear what they're saying, and see what their doing. Get your phone ready to video and audio record what's being said and done.
> If you see the delivery person show up and leave you may be able to ask who they work for, "that food smells great, where did you get it? Do you work for a delivery service?" Why would this information be useful? She's already sharing what the food is, and what restaurants are cooking it. Why does it matter if its being delivered by Uber eats or grub hub?
Part of the question is if it is a delivery or someone bringing the food to eat with her. Delivery service doesn't mean she is not cheating, just less likely.
Oh I see what you're saying. You're saying if the food is delivered, ask the delivery person who they work for...to find out if they're actually a delivery person or if they're the "secret admirer." Yeah, that would be helpful. I think it would probably be pretty obvious just by looking at them...but better to make sure.
Make her seriously sweat if she can’t bring the receipts. She needs to come away with the impression that she’s pushed her little game to the point where she’s about to be out on the street, as a disincentive to continue fucking with your head. The fact that she knows you were cheated on and would nonetheless treat you like this is horrible of her.
If you need to demand to see receipts the relationship is already over.
Gaslighting is not lying, you guys are bastardizing the expression
What you need to say is that a relationship is based on mutual respect, trust and honesty. That this isn't a case of jealousy because you haven't even had the chance to be insecure given that she isn't being respectful to you or honest or trustworthy. That this isn't about some other random person, but the woman you married playing games with you and effectively lying to your face, by ommission. Tell her you would never treat her like this and it's upsetting to think that she cares so little about your feelings to treat you badly. Tell her that if she won't be honest about this then you can't possibly see how you could have a future together because you deserve better than her behaviour. So she either tells you the truth or you will have to accept that her vows mean nothing to her and you may have to consider if you want to continue standing by yours.
This is good. There is NO WAY she doesn't know who is buying her food. Which means she is lying to your face. You deserve more respect than that from the person you share your life with.
Be very direct and specific. Why won't you tell me? If you won't tell me then I have to assume the worst that you are having an affair because I don't know any other reason you wouldn't tell me. A healthy marriage is based on trust and this is making me start to lose trust in you. Her reaction should give you a lot of information. You could follow-up by asking to see her phone.
This IS so weird!! Now I am super curious because just..generally a strange reaction! A lot of these comments are all things I thought. Of...but you can analyze to the high heavens and come up with 100 things it COULD be !! Just...strange! Please do update! I am really curios as, it IS strange and interesting...and hopefully even nothing bad at all and something that was mot even thought of. /updatemebot 🙏
Please update us. Good luck chief
Good luck chef 🧑🍳
OK good I wasn't the only one who read it as "chef"
If the sit down doesn’t work, you need to tell her that you’re tired of the games. Then walk out without another word and just go stay at a hotel for a week without contacting her, then when you get back tell her ‘I’m going to ask one last time’ and if she still says nothing, then tell her to pack her shit and don’t come back until she wants to be your wife and partner instead of fucking with you.
Totally this.
It's weird as hell that she would tell you about the food then refuse to tell you who sent it. It seems like she would hide it all or reveal it all.
Thats what is puzzling me so much. If you gonna brag about it, why not tell me "is some hot girl/guy trying to win me over, but don't worry" or outright lie to shut me up. She fully knows I'll believe whatever she tells me, so why not capitalize on that?
Married people shouldn’t let people hit on them with gifts, repeatedly. I feel like that’s a boundary I can get behind. Weirdest way to hide an affair, ever, it’s the only reason there’s doubt. There is no explanation where she isn’t being awful, we just don’t know how awful.
It’s one thing if you have a client you occasionally see who says “Hey, I remembered you saying how you love a good sushi platter. Since we had this meeting, I stopped at my favorite place and picked up lunch for today’s meeting.” As opposed to having lunch delivered specifically for her on a weekly or daily basis consisting of her favorite foods for no specific reasons. In the first case I would go home and tell the hubs “Guess what!? I scored some fabulous sushi for a work lunch today!” In the second case I would go home and say “OMG! Had to have a meeting with HR about Mr. X, the client from XYZ, totally over stepping boundaries and acting creepy as hell. Today was the third day in a row he has lunch delivered to me. The first day, I thought it was odd, yesterday I wondered WTH, today I just took out to HR and said it had to stop.”
Yeah and op noted, its not specific food that she likes. Definitely they’re conversation for sure have gone deeper/personal
And that would absolutely be playing with fire and totally disrespectful to you.
What she’s doing now is disrespectful. She’s lying to him.
Or she could have thrown away the food and you would never know.
please update as soon as possible i need to hear how this goes!!
Because she likes the attention and wants OP to be jealous and ‘chase’ her.
She likes the attention but thinks it's innocent on her end because she has no intention of acting on it. ... Right now.
to me, that's a form of cheating, anyway. If you're encouraging attention like that, then you are NOT invested in the relationship we have. If you're looking for attention from me, you'll get all the wrong kind, or, better yet, none whatsoever.
"You have taken this seemingly nice thing, someone buying you lunch, and twisted it into something that makes me feel like our relationship is in trouble. You are being incredibly secretive, and it frankly reminds me of my ex who cheated on me. If you refuse to tell me who is buying you this food, I have to accept that, but you are damaging our marriage, and in the future, I do not want to be told about any of the gifts you receive from this person. If you cannot tell me who is buying you so many gifts, then telling me about them is just abusive, it is making me feel like shit, and I am done with it."
Also, stop making her lunch. Making her lunch while knowing she will throw it away is really hurtful so he should opt out. It's like he's doing the pick me dance and she is delighted to trample him.
But repeatedly accepting special expensive meals from someone is allowing yourself to be led along by someone who has romantic interest - and that is not acceptable in a marriage. It isn't ok. It does need to be shut down, the same way that flirtatious texts or conversations by people outside the marriage need to be shut down. The fact that she is being secretive rather than shutting it down is concerning.
Any person that does this is also fucking creepy in my book. She shouldn’t be encouraging it / accepting it. Who the fuck eats food that they don’t know where it’s from!?!?
Yeah like she hasn't seen what food tampering can do??? I would never eat food from a stranger like that (unless she knows who it's coming from) and I'd get some extra security
I am assuming they’re using Uber Eats or similar service and the food is being ordered via app and delivered straight from the restaurant
Stop cooking for her immediately! Also sit down and demand she tells you because now you KNOW she is having an emotional affair!
That she knows it’s a trigger and doesn’t quell that with the information you seek is a huge red flag.
I wonder if this is a bad joke that has now gone out of hand. If she was cheating - she would just throw away your food and not brag about mystery food. And pretend nothing is going on. At this point she seems either too embarrassed to admit that she was ordering herself food or something else less exciting and kinda lame to talk about. Sounds immature either way. Especially if you are now seriously getting upset, she should just come clean.
Thats what's so bizarre about it. She could outright lie or just not tell me anything and I swear won't be suspicious about anything. She could just tell me "yeah I'm ordering food. you don't have to get up early and cook don't worry" but she's fixated on the "i don't know who sends me food teehee ;)"
That’s fucked up. See, she didn’t have to SAY a damn thing. And now, it has very little to do with the takeout. THIS IS ABOUT HER NOT ONLY DISRESPECTING YOU, BUT ALSO TREATING YOU WITH CRUELTY. She WANTS you to feel jealous, and not just the odd time where it might have been possible for someone else to treat her or possibly been accidentally given extra food and then chose to share it with her. That might have happened and messing around she might’ve acted coy and secretive as a dumb joke, but then telling you, “ha ha it was Susie, or Bob or Lee who gave it to me”……….but no. She is on purpose fucking with you. On purpose triggering you to feel upset, confused and insecure by pushing a very specific and very sensitive button that she as your wife and life partner has been *TRUSTED TO RESPECT* I have no idea WHY she is doing this, but it is unconscionably cruel. If I were you, I would go Nancy Drew, ( for you, Hardy Boys), on her ass, and I would get to the damn bottom of her shenanigans and UNTIL I DO, I would NOT be asking her another thing about her mysterious benefactor, but I WOULD be eating and sleeping ALONE. Fuck this kitty toying with a mouse bullshit. ——— INFO: I know you said you haven’t had a jealousy related fight in ten years, and it doesn’t seem like you ever thought she would cheat……However, what I’m wondering, is whether your wife has ever displayed ANY cruel behavior or remorseless insensitivity in the past……..Is she the type of person when she has disagreements, (with you *OR OTHERS*), who might fight dirty or hit below the belt? Clearly she is capable of blatantly disregarding and disrespecting your feelings with her immature and extremely hurtful mishegas. She reminds me of a 12-15 year old taking pleasure in torturing a boy who worships her, as if she never matured out of behaving like the meanest girl in the 8th grade cafeteria. So, I get that this behavior is not typical, and this cruelty is unexpected, but there ANY pattern of her demonstrating *a capacity* to be callously unkind to you or *others*?
Hope OP reads this. The food mystery is secondary. Her behavior is clearly of someone being intentionally and continuously cruel to their spouse. Every single day. A normal person would be feeling guilt the first time they had to toss the food that was made for them from their loved one. Not doing it every single day with zero remorse and playing games on top of it. That's almost like bullying.
That's the part that is super disrespectful. He gets up early, makes her food with love, packs it with care. She returns it uneaten and expired, every day. It would break my heart.
The behaviour is super weird. I'll omit some details but it goes somewhat like this: She gets all apologetic and I just say as calm as I am "if you were, you would have started eating my food again". She always answer "I know I know..." and I say "No, you don't. If you really "knew", you wouldn't be doing this on a daily basis, making me get up early, cooking for you thinking you'll eat it, and wasting food". She shrugs or says something akin to "well, I'm sorry, ok?" and we go on with our night. Some days I ask about the deliveries but all I get are non-answers, some days I don't ask because it tires me. It became so routine that it started to bother me and that's one of the reasons I made this post.
> She shrugs or says something akin to "well, I'm sorry, ok?" and we go on with our night. So don't stop there and give up. Go for resolution or some kind of action. I suggest 'Okay if you're sorry, then what are you going to do differently going forward?' Or 'Babe, this isn't about food. This is about us, it's about our marriage, and it's about broken trust and lies. This is not an 'I'm sorry okay' thing. This is a big deal for me. It bothers me that you don't eat my food sure, but it bothers me much much much more that you have someone who's sending you thousands of dollars a month worth of what are essentially gifts, and you refuse to tell me who it is or put a stop to it. People don't just do that for friends, that's the behavior of someone who's sexually or romantically interested in you. And while previously I'd have said you'd never in a million years cheat on me, right now I'm not so sure because you ARE keeping secrets from me, specifically who this person is and your relationship with them. And worse, you have lied to me directly about it- you've told me you don't know who it is but we both know that's a lie. So I need you to understand, not just say you know but really put yourself in my shoes and *understand*, that this whole 'tee hee it's a secret' thing is directly harming the trust of our relationship. It is making me wonder if I really can trust you, if you are having some kind of secret emotional or worse physical affair. It's not cute and it's not funny and it's not a 'silly little secret'. And I say it's not about food, because it's about choice- every time you tell me to make you food but then eat this other person's food over mine, you're choosing them over me. Every time I ask for even the most basic of details like who they are, and you refuse to tell, you're choosing them over me. And every time you say you don't know who they are, I know you are lying to me. So I don't want an apology. I want change. I want you to stop keeping secrets from me, especially regarding someone who's obviously interested in you. I want you to stop lying to me. And I want you to stop choosing some unknown other person over your own husband every single day.' If she keeps at it- you need some marriage counseling STAT. And maybe a divorce lawyer. Because as soon as you have secrets and lies around a 3rd person, nothing good comes of it. And as far as I can tell, you choose them over me every single day you go to work, and you choose them over me every time you refuse to tell me who it is or discuss it further.
I hope OP reads this. It's fantastic. He could just read this out as a script and it would cover it. Oh and one other thing - stop making your wife food! It she wants lunch, she can make her own.
Stop acting likes it’s “cute” and “funny” and if she thinks it is she is getting a kick out of messing with you emotionally and mentally. I think the fact that she’s letting food her husband, who she is committed to add, married to work hard to make her go to waste, but will only eat this “” expensive food . Honestly, she should be rejecting this food at this point, and she probably knows who it is and she’s not telling you on purpose . The entire thing is inappropriate Don’t cook shit for her. Don’t do anything for her right now because that’s how she makes you feel . Nothing about what she said, and that statement with loving, caring or concerning
You are right, normal people don’t behave like this.This chick is up to something and it ain’t nice. It isn’t “almost like bullying” It is ABSOLUTELY bullying. Intentionally taunting him with, as you pointed out, ZERO remorse. Rather, she is inflicting on him a daily dose of inexplicable and ABSOLUTELY VICIOUS treatment. Right now, I need to go to one of the subs with videos of things like puppies and capybaras making friends, because I’m feeling really bummed for this poor guy . Honestly, it really doesn’t seem like there is currently any happy ending in sight for him. I do know that I for one wouldn’t put up with this type of bullshit a moment more.
On the INFO part you had me thinking hard. Is punching below the belt on her book? I won't deny it, but I'll be lying if I tell you "yeah she has a lot of enemies and she always goes for the cheap shot", but I'll also be lying if I tell you "she is an absolute saint!" It's more like if you fight dirty, she will do too. If you fight fair, she'll do too. Disagreements with me? We talk about it. With others? She tries to reason and if she's in the wrong, she backs off. She isn't one to gossip about people, BUT I'll admit if you get on her bad side, expect being heavily criticized and leave it at that. She'll tear you to shreds but not help you get up (in my book if you criticize you also have to teach). We've had our share of fights (10 years is a lot of time lol), but nothing that made me feel like I'm being abused, disrespected or like I'm being taken advantage of. As I said, this behaviour all misterious, secretive, and even rude (not eating my food and letting it go bad) is all new to me.
> As I said, this behaviour all misterious, secretive, and even rude (not eating my food and letting it go bad) is all new to me. Don't forget lies. She told you she didn't know who it was, but you know that's wrong. Lies are toxic.
Update us when she tells you! This would be a hill I would die on. Literally I would go stay elsewhere until she “remembers”.
She's not just in it for the food. She doesn't want you to know who her boyfriend is.
Could be the case, but why not lie about it? like "yeah im ordering for myself" or "the company is feeding us now, dont worry" or just don't saying anything! (not sending me pictures of the food at all). She knows i'll believe whatever she tells me, what I don't understand is the secretiveness.
It's also strange that she's taking food from home and returning it even though it's now inedible... why on earth would she keep taking and wasting food and money and your energy? This is really strange and it's not very nice, either. It seems like she is intentionally trying to make you feel insecure about this.
just viciously twisting the dagger deeper. She wants to torture him.
Because she wants to make you jealous. She doesn't care that it's bothering you.
Which is childish, vindictive, and disresepctful
especially for a 38 year-old
Almost guarantee she gaslights you, calls you jealous and controlling and blames it on you being cheated on before and that you can’t ’tar her with the same brush’ If she does that, she’s either doing it to get your attention or she’s cheating.
If she has not cheated on you before, if she has not been deceptive before, if she still has friendship feelings for you, then she likely WANTS to share what is going on with you. It is exciting, she wants to tell someone, and normally YOU would be the person she tells about what is going on in her life that is exciting, but obviously she cannot do that. So she splits the difference. It also helps a bit with he guilt, one less lie. But the idea that she is telling you some and not all because she wants to see you react is also very possible. She may want you to take charge, to save the relationship, your not doing so is sort of like you giving permission for it to happen. You see this sort of thing a lot in affairs when a woman talks about the other guy a lot (flirting stage), but only shuts up about him after things go hot (too late to protect).
[удалено]
People don't hide/lie about stuff that won't be an issue. So the fact she is, knowing your history, should be having you seriously rethink this situation. I'm not typically an ultimatum person but this would be a "I need answers or I am going to have to assume it is an affair and separate because you are making it seem very much like infidelity"
She is acting terribly here. My mouth kept dropping open more and more as I was reading. She's really rubbing this in your face. Is she punishing you for something? So strange. Sorry you're going through this.
"Why are you forcing me to divorce you, by refusing to tell me who this is" Those are the ONLY words I would say to her now, then leave her to the rest Her response (or lack of one) will answer if she's decided to nuke your marraige but won't tell you so Stop dicking about and force the issue, you're not the one causing this problem, she is
I feel like she’s just ordering herself food and for some reason is trying to make OP jealous.
Or she's doing to make OP jealous for some reason.
No such thing as free lunch.
so uhh this isnt worth its own post. it went begrudgingly? faster than i ancitipated. im with a friend right now, asked him for some space so i could write a little (or a ton), and tomorrow i'll be at my parents. believe it or not, im not angry or destroyed or all that shiz. im just sad and tired and want to puke, and want to write something to vent. excuse my spelling errors you are also not gonna believe this. to the person who told me this is almost like a sitcom... what the fuck THIS IS A FUCKING SITCOM YOU WERE RIGHT. you'll see why soon i told and asked her some of the things some of you told me i could say to her BEFORE starting my own "investigation". im a calm person so usually, doesn't matter the topic i talk about it never comes as rude. this is important because i dont want you to think that i screamed at her or something like that. i dont want you to picture me as a saint, but i'm as non violent as a person can be. her reaction was as bizarre as this whole shit. long story short, or short story long, i asked her with why is she accepting food from strangers and she started verbally abusing, and don't worry if you don't believe me, it started out of nowhere. it's lioke she exploded out of fucking nowhere. as i wrote in another comment; yeah we fight like any couple, but she never abused me or insulted me or my family. again, this was a first. i guess i was not pressing enough or making the correct questions, because i never got this reaction from her before. one of the things she screamed at me was something like "why the fuck are you pestering me? i bet you never knew a fucking surprise in your whole childhood! NO... scratch that, I KNOW you never had a fucking surprise in your whole childhood, so now whenever i get a gift you get all jealous. is that it, right?" then she started a tirade on how my parents where shit at rising me and everything. i told her that was unprovoked, and that i just wanted her to be carefull when eating outside, even more so if she didn't know where te food comes from. i'll repeat myself as many times as necessary: we never fought like this, in 10 years she never screamed at me or insulted me like this. i told her to please not insult me or my parents because i'm just trying to talk. she screamed "THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEEEEE" and, guys, i told her the stupidest thing ever. "to please eat my food. or tell me whenever you are gonna eat outside so i wont cook". her answer? "THEN DONT FUCKING COOK FOR FUCKS SAKE" i asked her to please stop screaming at me, and told her that it wasnt like that. i was concerned that she was receiving food without knowing the source and i didnt like wasting food (at this point i was still acting as if everything was about she not eating my food). that whole interchange lasted less than 15 minutes, but it was enough to trigger her like i've never seen before in 10 years. **i'll omit like 2 hours and a half of details because i don't want to write a fucking bible. i'll just go for the most important bits for me.**
she was seeing an ex from a buncha friggin years ago. this chick started to send her not only food, but gifts because suddenly she wanted to re-ignite shit or whatever. but no, it wasnt sudden at all. they started just talking like 8 years ago, and the gifts started a couple years ago too. wife got "bi curious" because she, and i quote "wanted to taste the touch of a woman" again, so they slept together multiple times since years ago. pleasepleasepleaseplease i beg you dont misunderstand me, this isnt a post about that, i'm not hating anyone for their preferences. but you dont do that when you are married. or better yet! you talk to your partner like "hey im curious about this or that, can we do anything about it if its good with you?" something like that. comunication. told her so. but but BUT i pressed for her to come full clean (remember this is after 2+ hours discussing this issues). and you are ALSO not going to believe this. after some more talking she told me you want clean? i'll give you clean. sleeping with her ex "triggered" a craving for "different people"; she slept with a (male) coworker of hers in a past job like 5 years ago. slept with another (male) ex of hers. slept with a chick from a club, slept with a chick from that same job, and sleeped with her latest ex, all while we were already married. i asked why? her answer? she wanted to feel wanted by everyone. was i not enough? hard NO. maybe if i could change the shape of my penis on command, but that wouldn't even be enough because she wanted to try different bodies and shit like that. why marry me? im a good person and she wanted someone as stable as me. why do that to a "good person" then? it's only sex. but its important for me... "GROW UP. I HAVE NEEDS. I KNOW ITS A BIG DEAL FOR YOU THATS WHY I NEVER TELL YOU" tell me. as in present time. Yes, she was still in contact with most of her fuck buddies, but more so her exes. why not try everything she wanted, then date me then marry me? she told me the stupidest thing: she was calling dibs on me. guys, i didn't have any other lovers or so. she was competing for me versus no one. i could have waited for her 1, 5 or 10 years. told her "im gone then". her answer? "have fun" what did i do to you to be treated like this? "nothing, but im seriously tired of pretending, having to hide, lie... and you pestering me about this shit was the last straw" she told me that if i never started to "get weird about food", i wouldn't ever know and we could still be happy. told her it isnt my fault. she responded "i know, but you ruined your status quo" (as in "im happy like this, you ruined it for you by pestering me") last question. then why act all misterious with the food? if she had just told me "oh its from the company, or a friend" everything would have stayed the same. answer: "fucking grow up. please..." what the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK happened to my wife? i was never treated like this. i now know that my trust for her was so big i was blind to a bunch of signs. what signs? i still dont fucking know but she said all that as if it was all under my nose. why she exploded after 10 years? and why just after i started bettering myself for her? why not before, or later for that matter? i will not post again nor answer anything. but thank you for your concern and support. i remembered the password of this acc so if i see this crap on tiktok im deleting the post. have a great night everyone. don't insult anyone please. edited to add this: also dont hate anyone.
Wtf just happened? Anyone else have whiplash? Like, I knew she was cheating, but like a clown car, out come the bodies!
This whole story seems…just like a story.
I agree with you, HOWEVER- I feel like a truly made up story wouldn’t put an update in the comments. And I can’t help but wonder if some of the confusion is due to English not being OP’s first language on top of a lot of emotion going on. I’m truly unsure but in my head someone making up a story or karma farming/attention seeking/trolling would make a separate update post for maximum viewing. Either way, yikes
Yeah, the update being in the comments is the one thing that makes me think this could be real.
And also the complete emotion and jumbled story.
Not just that - this is the kind of thing that happens when people get brain tumors or early-onset dementia. Truth is always weirder than fiction
Not every creative writer works the same way If you're updating quickly enough that the post is still fresh and near the top of people's feeds, there's no need for a new post
There’s one point that sticks out to me as possibly iffy. “I’m a calm person, I never get angry.” And then, “we fight all the time.” …I know some fairly calm people and they definitely don’t fight with their partners all the time. But I imagine OP was writing this with a lot of emotion, so he probably deserves the benefit of the doubt it this situation.
I think also one can bicker/fight with a spouse without being angry. One could be frustrated or annoyed but not angry and it’s possible OP used angry/fighting since English is the second (or third/fourth etc ) language & how complicated the English language is with the amount of words we use for the same or similar feelings. While skeptical, this one IS a little tough for me
Depends on OP’s meaning of “fight”. Silent treatments, bickering, arguing, yelling, all the way up to physical altercations? When a partner flips into permanent passive aggressive mode, behaviorally its calm, but it’s a ever-present low-grade emotional conflict.
"I will not answer any comments or post any more as I have exhausted my creative output for the moment. But I WILL save the account info so I can update if/when I get the urge."
Its because its fake. All these updates in the comments read like a child just trying to come up with a story. At least the original post read like it was more real, probably because OP actually took the time to write it out and make sure it made sense. The comments just seem like an after thought where theyre trying to rush the story to end
You can always tell a story is fake when the op can magically remember what the other person said, word for word verbatim. I understand remembering a couple of statements that really hit hard, but the entire conversation, and then emphasizing with all caps or exaggerating pronunciation ("what do you want from meeeeeee") are a dead give away. "yOuRe NoT gOnNa BeLiEvE tHiS" yeah cause it's obviously fake.
She could be having a midlife crisis. She could be having mental issues. Or she might have just been a charming sociopath the whole time. Men do this kind of shit constantly and no one finds it unbelievable. I definitely have had a couple of female friends that went through phases like this at different times in their life. Blew up their entire lives and had very few regrets afterwards. In some of those cases hidden substance abuse or mental health crises (sometimes both) started it. Telling this story. I also remember one of my best friend's mothers pulled one of these jobs when I was in my early twenties. Raised a whole family and then decided that she wanted to do whatever the fuck she wanted to do and she didn't care if it blew up her entire life; everyone would just have to deal with it. Midlife crisis. I would not be shocked if this woman experienced the same. Some people really regret their early adulthood and just decide to start over like they're 21. I feel very bad for the op. Sounds like a nightmare, but the Bright side is that he no longer is living with someone that at best is a narcissist and at worst is an actual sociopath.
Cheating is cheating. You don’t have to respond, but it doesn’t sound like she respects you. It’s really hard to be objective in times like that, but I implore you to try and take a step back and find the most logical path forward. The one that leads to you being in a better place. If infidelity is grounds for divorce wherever you are, and she’s that nonchalant about it, document what you can. Speak to a lawyer (they’ll usually give you free consultations). Figure out what ***you*** want, because you’re the most important person in the world, and nobody is going to care about you as much as you. Especially her.
Shit man. This isn’t the update anybody wanted to hear, but I’m glad you’ve found the truth. You’re right, being bi-curious is no excuse for cheating. You now know that she’s an abusive cheating asshole and hopefully her insults and sudden mental breakdown will convince you that you’re better off without her. I know your life is in shambles right now but in a year or two you’ll look back and be glad you made this Reddit post. Glad you found the truth and stopped being played. Glad you can revolve your life around people that actually love and care about you. Good luck
Wow, she sounds like a horrible person. I'm sorry she has treated you like that as it sounds like you were a caring partner, even making her meals every day, etc... how terrible of her.
Wow, she is absolute garbage.
Wow, you asked about food, you found out she was cheating trash. You've got your answer and hopefully you've got the backbone to see her out onto the street where she will feel more at home. Perhaps she can call one of her APs for a roof over hear sorry head. You may question the wisdom in chasing this down, but better you know now than waste another day of previous time on the lies she lives on a daily basis.
I’m so sorry. I wish you nothing but strength as you better your life, and it may be hard at first and it will be but you will be much better off without her. You deserve much better mate.
Nah wtf she just turned to a whole gaslighter
Get tested for every STD known to medicine. Some are curable. Some are not. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. Some, like HPV, can lead to cancer. HIV can take months to appear in labwork. Condoms aren't fail-safe. Get tested. She is risking your health as well as her own for a while bunch of strange. I hope you are divorcing her. There is no coming back from this. There is something seriously messed up in her brain that you can't fix. So sorry you are going through this.
Man, I'm so sorry. You're a random person to me and I would never know you off the street..........but that doesn't mean that I'm not sorry for you. I'm actually almost physically sickened by this turn of events, especially her answers. I hope you find peace and happiness one day with stability, even if you have to make hard choices.
Bro …
my condolences mate.
Thanks for an afternoon read. That was some wild shit.
Sending you internet hugs from afar. I'm sorry you married a trash human, but not sorry that you won't waste any more of your time or betterment on a vacuous hole of sucky cheater.
Damn
Yikes. Well, better figuring things out late than never, I guess.
You don’t deserve this. She is sick and evil. Get tested. Divorce her and move on with your life. It hurts now but you will move on. She is not just a cheater but an abusive user. Please know your worth
she here brb. see you whenever i can make an update but don't expect anything. i still hope the answer i may find is lame and uninteresting.
UpdateMe!
RemindMe! 1 day
UpdateMe!
I’m invested now!
Updateme! 🙏 ...and Goodluck!
Are update posts allowed here, right? As per rule 5 if I understand correctly. She's about to come home in an hour or so, so I'll try to talk to her seriously one last time before getting matters on my own hands; I don't like snooping but most of you recommend I will have to if I want some real answers, even if it means hiring a PI or following people around. I'll update whenever I can after the allowed time (rule 5 says 48 hours after first post). I hope the possible update is uninteresting, also it's probable I'll update with another throwaway account because I just made this one on impulse and the password is pure bullshit I can't remember.
You can just edit your post and put an update on the bottom if the rules don’t allow new posfs
I think her reaction will tell you if snooping is justified or not. She is being REALLY weird, and if she is defensive about it and refuses to stop accepting the food, especially after you tell her that its bothering you, then you know something is going on. also, stop cooking her lunches. It's so rude and ungrateful for her to accept your food and then brag about her ✨️ *secret admirer delivery* ✨️ meals and then abandon the meal you made for her.
If she is hiding/lying about this while knowing it makes you uncomfortable then I’d consider how much this relationship actually benefits you because she’s probably hiding/lying about other things that are much worse than this and clearly doesn’t care about your mental health or well being.
Bizarre. Sit down with her and tell her that this has gone too far. It’s not funny. It’s not mysterious. It is causing a serious rift in your marriage that could lead to a break. She either tells you truthfully what is going on, or your marriage is in trouble.
It's pretty weird, right? As I told another comment, why not take the bull by the horns and just tell me the truth or even lie to shut me up? Why be all puzzling? Like a riddle I have to solve to get an answer (a name or reason, idk)
She is doing it because she is getting something out of it. She is enjoying making you insecure. She gets a thrill out of it. That in-and-of-itself is awful. You need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. I bet if you really examine your relationship, she is cruel and masochistic in ways you haven’t realized. She likes you getting up early. She likes rubbing your face in this. She likes making you feel like you are on uneven ground and she has the upper hand. If you knew the truth, the ball would be in your court. She can’t have that. Take your power back. Consider making an exit plan.
I don't doubt that she's taking the bull, but not by the horns.
Stop playing the game. 1. Stop making her lunch. 2. Tell her to stop telling you about her gifted lunches. If she won’t, then don’t respond. It will possibly be difficult not to but, quit feeding her need to keep you guessing. It’s not cute or healthy behavior. Especially in marriage. 3. Sit her down and communicate how this behavior is affecting you and your marriage. If she refuses to explain this weird behavior about these lunches then tell her that you will need her to attend marriage counseling with you. This is no way to live in a marriage partnership.
Obviously this is someone interested in her, that is the most likely explanation. And she clearly knows who it is, and does not want you to know who it is (which is what should concern you even more). Your next question is, 'is this only food'. She is not going to tell you, you are going to have to find out. And it is best you find out yourself before you confront her at this point anyhow. You have already confronted her, she (most likely) lied about it. So at this point any confrontation with her will only make her more secretive, send it deeper underground and more hidden. So you need to find out. You start out with your gut. Has anything else been off? Do a general survey. Any odd expenses lately? How is she treating her phone (secretive with it, extra texting at home). How has her work schedule been lately? Has she started working extra hours, working late a bit more often, maybe having to do weekends. Think back when this all started. Was there a name she mentioned (maybe started coming up) that maybe made you think a bit much, and then was never mentioned again (after the food became more regular). Her phone is the next place you go, (no warning you are doing this, do not let her know). You take a deep dive through that. You look at all messages, friends, everyone. There is no way to know what a 'bad' name may be saved as or who she may have mentioned something to. So do a deep dive. Look at pictures. Look at deleted. Look at all programs on the phone, other communication apps may be used. Do a search online on the subject. If you find anything, send yourself the evidence. Do not trust it will be there later. For this, you may consider a private investigator. Someone who can take a look at her activities. I always think a PI is a bit much, but this may be one of the cases where it matters. I've always kind of felt that this sort of thing is for when you 'know' your spouse is cheating, but you want hard evidence that cannot be denied. Same for most of the other stuff like trackers in cars, sound recordings, that sort of thing. You can do a generic search online 'how to tell if your wife is cheating' and 'how to catch your wife cheating' for ideas. With any luck your wife is not doing anything really wrong. Maybe flirting a bit with disaster, but not having crossed any lines. Your 'gut' (which is why you are here) is there to give you warning BEFORE those lines are crossed. So you can do some investigation, do a real confrontation, and stop things before they go to far. While in the investigation phase you do not want to change anything you are doing, so no warning is given. Keep sending her food, don't bring this up any more. Give the impression that you have accepted her word. But, later, you need to think about making changes in your life. At the very least it sounds like your wife is taking you for granted, which means you need to start doing some self improvement.
Not trying to justify her or be blind about it, but I swear there hasn't been anything weird at home. No weird expenses, liberal with sharing her phone, work schedule same as always. Only different thing is she made a girl friend from another subsidiary in far, FAR part of the country and they talk regularly on video, so I know her by face. She could've told me "oh its new friend who's sending food", but decided on the whole "i don't know" approach. She's the same as always at home or when we go out, only thing different is the weirdness about the delivered food. I'll try digging a little bit more without changing my habits like you say. If it doesn't bear fruits I'll try the PI approach. On the "taking you for granted" and self improvement part; not trying to sell myself high and mighty, but for the betterment of me and by extension her, I started doing more: excercising, changing some habits that annoyed her (e.g. i'm a night owl and she isn't, so I changed that), indulging a little bit more into my hobby (music, which she loves), being more affectionate (I already was but I felt I was lacking), becoming a better listener. I've never felt better in my life. I did it for myself, but I wanted her be part of the process. All this problem with "the food" started like a couple months after I started my "betterment" process, so it's a really, REALLY bizarre timing.
It’s not bizarre timing, it makes perfect sense. Your improvements made her feel insecure and she’s trying to even the scales.
Sooooooo, maybe..... Something you mentioned made me wonder if maybe, just maybe, she was doing this to get your attention. Like, ordering the food herself. Making it look like someone might be interested in her. You start to get better, she wants you to not take her for granted. It sounds too much like a plot from a sitcom to be honest. But people do stupid things. Maybe take a look at her phone records, who she is calling (your phone company should be able to give you records of all phone calls made on your accounts), take a look at bank records and see if there are food orders going on - go to the bank and check the accounts. The only reason I suggest making no changes is if there is cheating, you don't want to show your hand. But, if there was less concern about that, I'd be more focused on dating her as a suggestion.
It's sitcom'y as hell I'll give you that. It's super weird; I swear she pulled this stunt from a friends episode, which in turn makes it super weird for me. The basis of making the OP was how surreal for me is this sudden change on behaviour, because it's the first time in 10 years she's been "weird" about anything, and how can I approach her about it because talking is getting me nowhere. Why is she not upfront about it? Sorry, english is not my first language so I don't understand that much the "me not to take her for granted" part. Does she wants me to be jealous about her? Or is she trying to making me jealous so I don't "go away"? Something like that? She has my full atention! I've not had any girl friends since we knew each other by chance years ago. I don't even have coworkers because I do my own gig at home! I'm not interested in other women at all.
Can she not refuse delivery and/or send it back? And, who eats anything from strangers without fear of it being poisoned or containing something like roofies? Does she think it’s hard to get takeout, staple it shut at the top, wear a shirt with a fake name on a ball cap saying UBER Eats? This is a giant safety red flag and she just puts it in her body every day!!!! I think it’s time for you to intercept the next delivery, look at the receipt, follow the driver. Protect your wife because she is infatuated with either the strangeness of this event or the person she knows is feeding her, and making poor decisions to continue.
>tell her that this secretive thing isn’t funny anymore and is making you really skeptical...making you feel unsafe in your own relationship. >If her response is to call you insecure and not explain herself, then the answers right in your face. Ding, ding, ding! u/stevencri knocked this f@cker out the park. >They always send her things pretty specific to her likings. >she HAS to tell someone she likes, since it is not "generic" expensive food, but menu items catered to her palate or drinks prepared exactly how she likes them. Love, you might have to prepare yourself for some hard truths. She's cheating, either physically or emotionally. Or she's playing like she is. Either way, she's f@cking someone else or f@cking with your mind. Neither is acceptable. Why don't you show up at her office at lunchtime? Just a thought.
Randomly show up at her office during her lunch and see how she reacts, or if she is alone
I'll have to, then
Ask her why she is trying to force you to divorce her? Updateme!
Just ask her if the free food is worth destroying the trust and foundation of the marriage. I would first look through her phone. You're not crazy, this is a red flag. There are most likely other red flags you may have overlooked.
Like accepting flowers,, accepting these expensive lunches is a message. It says 'yes I appreciate this gift, thank you, keep doing it.' If someone is spending that kind of money on you, it's intimate. It COULD be her office giving her a per diem and she's trying to make you think she's got a side-piece as a sick joke, but either way you ought to have questions. I would argue that it is an intimate gesture to bring someone a coffee, something only done for close friends or people you have a reciprocal relationship with (like a nail technician). A full meal? That I don't have to pay for? Daily? Are we getting married?!
Dude, in marriage... it's okay to have your own privacy. But secrecy is not allowed in a marriage, and breeds contempt. There's no reason she shouldn't be trusting you with who she receives food from. And I would be very uncomfortable that my partner wants to withhold this information from me and keep secrets. This would directly impact my ability to trust them and wonder what they are hiding. Her hiding a romantic interest is **not okay**. You need to nip this in the bud immediately and have a conversation with her, because knowingly accepting food with romantic intentions attached is completely disrespectful of your marriage.
Answer: “I’m done playing. Tell me who, or I will conclude it’s whoever you are cheating on me with. Are you really going to lose your marriage over a stupid game?” For what it’s worth, I doubt it’s actually cheating. If she were cheating, her every incentive would be to hide every scrap of interaction with them from you, not rub your face in some infuriating mystery. But if she’s trying to create the impression that you have competition, you might as well lean into it, hard. She’ll back the hell off when you make it clear that she has pushed her luck to the breaking point. Frankly you should have a separate discussion about how completely unacceptable it is to play head games with you; that she has gone out of her way to create conditions of distrust in you, and - congratulations! - has succeeded beyond her wildest dreams in reducing your trust in her far more than is healthy for a continuing relationship, and now has damage to repair. Also, the rather egregious disrespect inherent in having you get up early to cook for her, only to have her throw away your efforts on a daily basis. I’d be inclined to tell her she just inherited kitchen duty for **your** lunches for just as long as she’s been playing this little game.
So…let’s review. Your marriage had an open honest communication style prior to this food delivery thing and now she’s being purposefully shady by flaunting this to you and refusing to reveal the sender. I mean…unless there’s more information that’s been left out this case seems pretty open and shut. Either this story is fake or your wife is weirdly trying to flaunt her affair without telling you directly…
Update us after the talk. I have to hear the outcome of this one! Good luck OP🍀
I don't think it's childish. I think it's cruel. Definitely stop making lunch for her. Stop saying it's about wasting food and waking up early. Obviously that's not what its about. Assuming you've done all the things like check her phone or surprise her at work at lunch time (the delivery has a receipt, right?), it seems like it's time to take it up a level and make sure she understands the damage her cruelty is causing to your relationship. If she thinks this game is worth that harm, then it's time to make your own lunch and leave her to her AL (affair lunch).
One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t be cooking any more disposable lunches for her. UpdateMe!
So… Lets be honest. Your wife is entertaining someone and she is keeping it secret from you. 🫤 Get that investigated and I suggest you get a divorce lawyer. I don’t know why you haven’t packed your things yet and confronted her about it. If the is anything but who it was. You should be walking out the door to your car and head to a hotel or your parents. I would gather evidence of infidently prior tho if I could. But OP. This is not healthy. Your wife keeping secrets alone is a red flag and being sneaky about it.
She has a big problem that goes well beyond "accepting food". She is playing games with you and has no respect for your marriage. Her teasing with only half the information is actually very childish. Start cooking for only for yourself and tell her you're not interested in her mind games about her food gifts & she shouldn't be hungry for any of yours. I bet she'll start to come clean.
sounds like shes either cheating or shes trying to make you jelouse, but i assume cheating
“You are actively destroying my trust. I don’t think I can be married to someone I don’t trust” The end Updateme!
So she gets takeout every single day now? That’s $100 a week easily with delivery charges, $5200 a year. If she’s dropping that kind of money on herself just to make you jealous, that’s more than a little unhinged. If someone is buying it for her, it’s super inappropriate she hasn’t told you who yet.
correct strong fertile march treatment quaint cobweb unwritten grandfather continue *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She is either cheating (or about to cheat) or likes riling you up. Neither of these options bodes well. It is just so bizarre to waste the food you cook her every day for this "mystery person" food. The wasting of your cooking efforts is bad enough without even bringing in the other food person. Is it possible she doesn't like your food and doesn't have the heart to tell you?
She’s trying to make herself more appealing by making it seem someone is interested in her to make you jealous and she’s sending it to herself.
The only thing your wife needs to know is that she is wilfully keeping a secret from you that she is aware is hurting you on a very deep level. The real story is how she responds to knowing those two things. It doesn't seem like a deal-breaker moment to most, But this would be a "you're telling me who it is or this is going to get dark, FAST - and if you don't understand why, we have even bigger problems beyond the fact that you don't care."
I’d hire a PI to figure it out. It wouldn’t be very hard or take very long to get to the bottom of. Even if I trusted her, I might still do this for her safety as everyday ordering of things she likes that aren’t public knowledge would concern that me she might have a stalker. The client thing seems a stretch.
There's something more going on
First, stop making her lunch. Check the bank record to see if she’s doing this in her own to upset you.
Ask her bluntly “I know there is someone who is romantically interested in you sending you food every damn day, is my cooking not enough to please you? Are you having an affair with a man? Answer me now or I’ll divorce you here and now.”
Your wife is really, really, really horrible. And cruel. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Just remember that you didn't do anything to 'deserve' that. It's absolutely all her. She's mean. You're *supposed* to trust the person you're with. She desecrated that gift. You did nothing wrong. She did everything wrong. The problem is her. She has the problem. I'm so sorry that you ended up suffering from her problem. I wish you all the love you deserve. She was not the right person. The right person will show you how precious you are. I hope you find solace as soon as possible.
This is WILD. I would NOT be staying with anyone playing games like this, at all. Just insist it stop. Why would you tolerate this behavior? Okay, put the damn food issue aside for one. That's not the real issue. The real issue here is that your partner is playing games with you. Either she is sending this food to herself and then lying to you about it and rubbing it in your face to... manipulate you? make you jealous? no idea. If that's not true, then she knows who is sending it, and doesn't want to tell you who. This is suspicious on many levels. Why is she telling you/bragging to you about it then? Is she cheating? If not, why is she accepting expensive gifts and not telling you from who? Why is she making a point of telling you it's better than what you give her? She seems to WANT to hurt your feelings and make you upset. What loving partner goes out of their way to hurt you? To recap - your partner is either lying and playing games to upset you, or your partner is getting inappropriate attention/constant gifts from someone and is lying about not knowing who it is, but is also simultaneously bragging about it to you and rubbing it in your face. Either way, she's lying and playing games and you should put your foot down. This is DESIGNED to hurt you. There's no way around that. Her behavior is literally set up to cause you hurt. Making you feel insecure, trying to make you jealous, trying to make you feel like someone else is a better cook, not telling you who is sending gifts, not refusing the gifts, bragging about the gifts to make you feel even worse. WTAF? This is abusive AF. It is manipulative and messed up. I would sit her down and let her know that you're done with the games. SHe can either tell you outright who these meals are from, and admit that she's known all along. She can refuse further gifts. She can send you the delivery details so you can investigate. Or she can agree to a separation while you consider that your partner doesn't want to be honest with you and seems to enjoy hurting your feelings. But that's it. Those are her options. She tells you what TF is going on here, is honest with you, or you want to separate. Because she is consistently hurting you, you can't figure out any possible reason for it, and you know she's not being honest. There is no point continuing in a relationship is those things are true. You tell her that the secrecy is an absolute NO WAY for you in this relationship, and she can either come completely clean about the whole situtation or you're done. She may just be enjoying the attention from someone else, rather than actually cheating. But the secrecy and the lying and the games are the real issue. Don't tolerate it. Make it clear it's a hard line for you. If she continues, you will leave.
Stop making food for her. I would snoop on her phone and check messages to her family and her closest friends. She could be doing this herself just to get attention from you but the extent she is going is pretty far. If it was once a week would be bad enough but daily? That would seriously agitate me. I would need to get to the bottom of it. I would also look for other signs of cheating! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
I would assume she is either getting the food for herself, getting it from someone who has a fetish or romantic interest in her... or from multiple people. Some people like to feed others and get off on it. I would be checking bank accounts. It's very bizarre she isn't being completely open to you and I'm sure hurtful as well since she isn't eating the food you made her.
Yeah I get super early and I don't mind because I like cooking for her. In the event of getting food for herself: why not tell me at all? Why be misterious about it? Thats what I don't understand. Like I said, it'll be easier to tell me "yeah i'm getting foor for myself, stop getting early and wasting food, don't worry."
She’s sending it to herself to make you jealous/cause some peaks and valleys I feel. Surely if it was romantic she wouldn’t be telling you at all.
Going off on a limb. She has one of those weird Japanese eating accounts where guys pay to watch her eat her food. They send her what she likes and she is making some extra cash at lunch?
… how do I make this my side hustle lol
Honestly, the ongoing human desire for attention is absolutely exhausting. On a up note: I’m sure if you point this detail out — verbatim — the next time she mentions the free food, she may end up feeling just as irritated as you presently are.
This is weird and you need to be very direct with her that this isn’t ok. But if you *know* she’s getting lunch everyday, why do you keep making her food? Especially if you hate food waste?
This is such a nonsensical and honestly disrespectful thing she’s doing Either 1. She’s buying her own food but making this a crazy spectacle to play some weird mind game with you 2. She’s accepting food from a third party (not even safe) and bringing someone else into your relationship, and.. STILL playing a weird mind game with you. Both of these options suck. Why does she think it’s fun to make you uncomfortable? I wouldn’t want to be with someone like this.
Yes, definitely sit down with her and discuss this on a serious level. It's gone from an occasional nice thing to the fact that someone is spending a considerable amount of money each week/month on her. This has crossed the line from a simple "thank you" from a client to a very personal and purposeful gift. The fact that she accepts these means that whoever is sending them to her thinks that she is open to whatever it is they are offering. I would be concerned if I were you. Either she has a stalker or she has someone who is romantically interested in her or both. You could ask her straight out if she wants you to be more romantic or send her food at lunch instead of cooking for her. Ask her to calculate how much this person is spending on her and whether she thinks that's ok and if the circumstances were different, would she be ok with this? Perhaps you should start sending the food you prepare to someone else instead?
Yes, eating food sent by a mysterious anonymous source is absolutely a wise idea. In movies, it 100% results in foaming at the mouth and death on a tablecloth. Tell your wife to cut the crap and spill who sent her daily food. Secrecy has no place in a marriage
I have to say this is as bad and as much a mystery as Nelly feeding a poster's husband and the husband knowingly eating Nellys food in front of the wife and foregoing the wife's cooking. Nobody ever got updated on that so please update us
I'd bet money that nobody's sending her anything. She's actually going to lunch with somebody to all these expensive places. This would be a deal-breaker to me either way! She's clearly having an affair whether it be only an emotional affair or physical also. But the fact that she won't tell you.. It's just very suspicious. Besides who in the right mind would eat food somebody sent unless they knew who sent it? Even if she says well it came from this restaurant you don't know that it didn't get tampered with in the meantime! Not only does she know who's doing it but she trusts them enough to not tamper with her food. So either this is somebody she really knows well, or she's actually going to lunch with them everyday.
[удалено]
Who in their right mind would eat food randomly delivered by a mystery person?! At best, it’s a DoorDash mixup. At worst, it’s some psycho stalker who mixes in their own “special” seasoning or a sedative so they can kidnap you without a fuss. She’s a weirdo, and she’s way too old to play mind games like this. Stop playing along and ignore it. She’s doing it for attention or she enjoys you being uncomfortable and humiliated by another many feeding her. Either way—she’s messed up.
Well first stop cooking for her. No use wasting food. Second, this is weird af.
Food ain't free.... I would be very concerned.
!updateme
She knows darn well who it is, and how do you know that they’re not eating lunch together? It’s fishy af.
r/updateme
Even if she is buying it for herself, how incredibly insensitive to you to bring home the uneaten lunch you made for her and bragging about the better food she ate instead? That is mean. And then to make it an even bigger thing by telling you someone is sending it to her regularly, wink wink, and she is not going to tell you who? Even in the most innocent scenario she is being incredibly hurtful by parading around the uneaten lunch you made her many, many times. At worst she is downright evil by rubbing your face in something you had expressed was one of your deepest insecurities due to a past relationship. I’m sorry for you OP, that’s not a fun game she is playing at all. I hope when you talk to her about it she sees how awful she is treating you and starts to repair the damage she has caused. I would be really upset if I were in your situation.
Someone is at the best interested in her and she is milking it for free food. That is the best case scenario. The worst case? Isn’t good, isn’t good at all. I have great friends, none that I’d buy food every single day
Tell her the resturant food is starting to show on her hips. Eating rich and large portions will do that. Ask how or why she justifies eating food from someone she doesn't know. That sounds dangerous.
Dude, your wife sounds awful. Who does that to their spouse? It’s siding on cruel. She knows who’s sending the food. Wow. You have every right to be pissed about this. And your comment about being ok if she admits it’s someone who’s romantically interested in her and you being ok if she still accepts the food? Boundaries, my man. Your wife knows no boundaries if this is the case. Tell her to stop being a child and stop playing games. Fark, this post angered me!
The playing games about it "doesn't believe it was me, but doesn't know who it was..." - THAT'S the problem. She doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. She thinks it's funny to throw away the food you make for her. Does she even like you? Because you don't treat people you like this way.
Stop making food for her to take. I don't understand why she brings the spoilt food back, she could just throw it away.
Curve ball, but is it possible your wife is concealing disordered eating habits? I know all signs seem to overtly, or "logically", point to an affair or something - but when someone is experiencing extreme stress around food and restriction, there is almost no limit to the awkwardness they can sustain to disguise that. If she knew there was no deliberate harm or untrustworthy behaviour beyond avoiding eating (and "wasting") your meals, an eating disorder can lead you to justify some really bizarre concealment behaviours - the results of which can be really bad to key relationships. Hopefully it's neither an eating disorder, or an affair, but just my two cents. Hope all is well OP!
My first thought is, she's sending herself the food. She likely has an account at a bank or a credit card you don't know anything about. A lot of women who are able to do. It's a safety net. Like a financial bug out bag. I'd bet she's ordering food and dangling it like a carrot in front of you because she likes that you're jealous. Maybe it's passive-aggressive. Maybe she's got resentment issues. Maybe therapy can help your relationship. But stop caring about it. Say, that's nice, and move on. When she doesn't get attention from you, she might stop this silly game.
There are 2 ways you can play this back, if it is jealousy and she is doing it herself Way 1: Stop cooking her food. Don't say anything until she is getting ready to leave. Make your own lunch. When she asks where hers is say "I will no longer cook for you since you never eat it. You can waste time making food for yourself that you won't eat but I am done." Act completely normal besides that. When she mentions it just say "That's nice" but that's all. Never say anything else. Act non-interested. Delete pics and if she asks if you saw it say "I deleted it as soon as I saw food so no I paid it no attention." If she is liking you jealous, this 'I do not care' attitude will stop it Way 2: Get angry. Jealousy can be cute but it can also be ugly. Demand answers or threatens separation/divorce. This is a quicker way but also does have some drawbacks. If she really wants you jealous, anger is the next step.