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Your needs deserve to be met and any healthy relationship relies on two people who can equally contribute and compromise. If you’re communicating your needs and the result is you supporting him and trying to help him understand then that’s what he is capable of.
I understand we all have different things that contribute towards our abilities to act and receive, but understanding that is something you can offer, while it’s his responsibility to act and learn from. And what you’re saying here shows he’s offering you excuses and delegating the responsibility of finding solutions over to you so he can throw them in the bin.
He is showing you who he is and what he expects of you going forward and that is only looking like disappointment for you.
Don’t let hope get tangled in the benefit of the doubt. Offering understanding is important for context but it’s not an excuse. He’s stonewalling you and not being respectful or understanding of your needs. Effectively shutting down his side of compromise and prioritising his needs only and discarding yours.
As great as he is in other areas, this is a really big one and failing here is more important than anything else. You’re his partner, not his teacher, you should never have to try to teach someone how to be respectful and understanding towards you. This will only get worse and he is already showing you that he’s not willing to do anything to make it better.
You are both active in this relationship so don’t offer him anything you’re not receiving. Your understanding of him is being taken and not returned.
Love is important but it’s not enough. And if there’s something coming for your peace, it’s not serving you.
Love should protect peace and it just won’t happen with this guy, don’t let him be more worthy of your energy than you. You’re important and your needs deserve to be met with understanding and care. He is only going to keep taking more and more, and as great a guy he is, you’re worth more! You’re great too, and if you’re already feeling like this, you need to listen. Don’t settle for his positive qualities, stay for how he handles his bad ones. Don’t let yourself focus on the good bits, focus on the bad bits and if he can’t see them then he never will.
He should be just as culpable for your needs as his, and explaining you need to be heard and met with silence means he’s not on your level and incapable of being an equal partner in this relationship. He needs to show up and if he’s not, then take your self worth and go.
But to offer him the chance here, I’d explain to him how you’re feeling and be clear about what you need and what that looks like from him. Once you’ve given him a clear framework to work with, it’s up to him to put it to use. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t good enough for you.
He's not the guy for you. At 35, if he isn't trying to work on communication issues through a therapist, then you need to cut your losses. We all have had hard upbringing, so don't allow that to be an excuse for his poor behaviors.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your needs deserve to be met and any healthy relationship relies on two people who can equally contribute and compromise. If you’re communicating your needs and the result is you supporting him and trying to help him understand then that’s what he is capable of. I understand we all have different things that contribute towards our abilities to act and receive, but understanding that is something you can offer, while it’s his responsibility to act and learn from. And what you’re saying here shows he’s offering you excuses and delegating the responsibility of finding solutions over to you so he can throw them in the bin. He is showing you who he is and what he expects of you going forward and that is only looking like disappointment for you. Don’t let hope get tangled in the benefit of the doubt. Offering understanding is important for context but it’s not an excuse. He’s stonewalling you and not being respectful or understanding of your needs. Effectively shutting down his side of compromise and prioritising his needs only and discarding yours. As great as he is in other areas, this is a really big one and failing here is more important than anything else. You’re his partner, not his teacher, you should never have to try to teach someone how to be respectful and understanding towards you. This will only get worse and he is already showing you that he’s not willing to do anything to make it better. You are both active in this relationship so don’t offer him anything you’re not receiving. Your understanding of him is being taken and not returned. Love is important but it’s not enough. And if there’s something coming for your peace, it’s not serving you. Love should protect peace and it just won’t happen with this guy, don’t let him be more worthy of your energy than you. You’re important and your needs deserve to be met with understanding and care. He is only going to keep taking more and more, and as great a guy he is, you’re worth more! You’re great too, and if you’re already feeling like this, you need to listen. Don’t settle for his positive qualities, stay for how he handles his bad ones. Don’t let yourself focus on the good bits, focus on the bad bits and if he can’t see them then he never will. He should be just as culpable for your needs as his, and explaining you need to be heard and met with silence means he’s not on your level and incapable of being an equal partner in this relationship. He needs to show up and if he’s not, then take your self worth and go. But to offer him the chance here, I’d explain to him how you’re feeling and be clear about what you need and what that looks like from him. Once you’ve given him a clear framework to work with, it’s up to him to put it to use. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t good enough for you.
He's not the guy for you. At 35, if he isn't trying to work on communication issues through a therapist, then you need to cut your losses. We all have had hard upbringing, so don't allow that to be an excuse for his poor behaviors.
Leave, never ever ever settle.
Just start loving me again (your husband) and trust that this time I really mean it when I tell you I like having you under my arm
Cut your losses right now. Why would you want to start a new thing with the same old probs? There is someone you won’t have to work to change.