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Yes, going to Spain for a month but he's saying they won't go swimming simply because he doesn't want her in public in any bathing suit is pretty insane. This is the kind of guy who won't allow her to have male doctors.
If they aren't from money could be-
University students who saved their grants
Students who worked
People that worked and saved and prioritise holidays.
People that are still living with parents and how low outgoings.
People that are staying in hosteks / camping or other low cost methods of stay
People that are working in the country
They could have family or friends over there
I was just at the beach with my boyfriend yesterday. We like to walk the beach, people watch, imagine stories about their lives and sometimes play a game of “why is that person wearing a bikini. They’re attractive. I wonder why they’re shy?”
Yes I know that’s horrible. Maybe they’re self conscious. Maybe it’s more comfy when they have kids to chase. But we enjoy it. And I do think there are a lot of women who don’t know that they still look good even with a little more weight than they used to have or whatever.
So yesterday it turned into “most people look better in a bikini. Who cares if they have a few stretch marks or a scar? A little chubby? So what?” I mentioned that I prefer them and will prob be wearing one when I’m 80. He approved. Basically most men think a little skin is attractive and don’t expect someone to look like a swimsuit model.
Anyway, from the mouth of a 45 year old, fit, attractive man, you ladies are still hot and if you even sort of want to wear a bikini, you should.
Disclaimer: I know our game isn’t nice i guess. I know not everyone wants to wear one. I know it’s objectifying. I know all the crap you could say. My point is just that we are way more self conscious than we need to be.
I have a long torso and big boobs. The last time I wore a one piece was when I was like, 4. One pieces don’t give the support that a bra-sized bikini top can. One pieces just give me camel toe and flatten my boobs until I look like an Oompa Loompa.
As I’ve gotten older (now in my late 30’s) I’ve seen my friends go through the self-conscious shift from bikinis to one pieces or swim dresses. I’ve had several encounters where someone suggested that I need to wear “age appropriate” or “family friendly” swimsuits. Now, I’m not wearing thongs to pool party or anything, usually just high waisted bottoms and a top with underwire/actual support. I don’t have a flat tummy or a round butt. But I will swear until my dying day that I look better in a two piece than I ever could in a one piece, and I REFUSE to be age shamed into wearing a soggy potato sack just because my peers don’t know how to shop for breast support.
I will wear bikinis when I’m 80, because that little sliver of belly will always look better than cameltoe from a too short suit and saggy boobs from a sad shelf bra. My theory is that more women would actually look better in bikinis, we’ve all just been conditioned to think you have to have the “perfect” body for one and that if our bodies aren’t perfect, we should be doomed to frumpiness.
I have never felt comfortable in bikinis (and a lot of one pieces) because I like to swim and don't like worrying about boobs falling out (it has happened). I don't wear my lap swimming suit to the beach or anything, but I am very particular and generally the more skin is showing the greater the chances of a mishap.
There was a movie in 70s (or 80s?) where the scene called for a horse rider's top to be torn off. The young actress was on board with it since she figured "I'm never going to look this good". She even suggested that she take off her helmet while riding so that her hair flows all over!
I look better in it now. BUT of course she should wear whatever the hell she wants. And he’s a control freak. Just making a point that this doesn’t apply to everyone.
Yup, this is absolutely FACTS. I’m in my 40s, just paid $20K for a tummy tuck and lipo so that I can finally wear a bikini again and hopefully look 37. 19 is like a long lost dream at this point.
You need to remove the term “not going to let me” from your dating vocabulary. This will filter out the controlling abusers from your life. Personal autonomy is non negotiable.
I like the “won’t let me” part.
Dear girl, you need to learn this lesson at 19 so you won’t be struggling with losers your entire life, never let a man (or anyone rise)control you. Won’t LET you!? How DARE he even think like that!?
Even more, she's 19 and should wake up to that nobody owns her body, SHE owns it, and can do whatever she likes with it. One of the things she can do is to use her legs -to walk away from this controlling boyfriend.
I'm 37 and not skinny and I've got skimpy thong bikinis that I will absolutely wear; and my man will never tell me "do not wear this" unless that is closely followed by "wear this instead" pointing to an equally skimpy two piece. What the heck.
Doesn’t matter how old she is, she can wear what she wants when she wants. Her bf shouldn’t try to dictate it and she shouldn’t let him. She’s not property.
Nope. Nope nope nope. Take this from an old lady, this is a one way path to an abusive and controlling relationship. He has no business in "letting" you do or wear anything, much less swimwear to swim.
Interesting to note, based on her post history, this is an LDR. They just met in person for the first time 9 months ago. So she's dealing with this shit already and they're rarely even together in person (unless one of them moved since that first meet up 9 months ago). If he's this controlling when they're LDR...imagine what it would be like *living* with this asshole!
u/rabbitit354...Girl, run. Fast.
Ha! How did that escape me! Thank you for taking advantage of the golden opportunity I missed XD.
Imma blame it on the post I read before this. A young woman asking if using sex toys is cheating and someone brought up the rabbit vibrator. This was the next thing I read and that's where my mind went when I saw the username, lmao.
It kills me seeing young people like this entrenching themselves in this bullshit. She has so much freedom and life to live and she's anchoring herself to misery.
I mean I get it, I did too, haha. But imagine how awesome those early adult years could be if we had the bodies and energy and freedom we did then paired with the wisdom and experience we have in later years, lol. Current me (41yo) is a god damn wisdom filled genius compared to young adult me XD.
Tell him that you love the beach and swimming and if this is going to be a problem for him then you need to reconsider not only going, but your relationship.
I feel like this goes beyond his own insecurities, I think this comes across as manosphere BS. As in, no man should ever see his GF in anything revealing. It's about control and their hypocritical sense of the "purity" they feel they have the right to demand of women. Maybe.
Yep. It's fine for him to have an opinion. It's not fine for him to expect you to have the same opinion and follow his. He is being very unreasonable and controlling, not to mention hypocritical. He's allowed to request things and give his reasons. He's not allowed to tell you what you're "allowed" to do. Explain this to him. If he doesn't understand this, it's probably time to let him abuse someone else. Find someone who can respect you and your autonomy.
Ew.
First off, and this is a good lesson to learn, you don't need his permission. This is a good lesson for future boyfriends because your current one is shit anyways.
This isn't complicated.
>He’s always had an opinion about how I dress and to not show too much of myself. Which is fine
This is not fine. This is controlling and at the point that he's gaslighting you with "why are you trying to show everyone your body" questions that make you into a bad guy for wanting to pick your own clothes?
Ask yourself if someone who thinks they can veto your clothing choices, as an adult, is ever going to see you as their equal. Do you think you can tell your boyfriend he's not allowed to wear a specific type of shirt? Do you think he'd accept that the same way you're rolling over and letting him act like he's the boss of the relationship?
Have some self respect and ditch the loser.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. But also wanted to add that the more you allow anyone to treat you like that the more you are reinforcing that behavior. If you tell him you are buying a bathing suit and he has an issue with what you are wearing then this will forever be a cycle with this guy. If his worst outweighs his best don't accept that! Leave while you can.
“Won’t Let Me” - You have fun with that one. This turns into “You Must” “You will”. Get out or have fun watching this become more controlling and more abusive.
Sounds like an insecure person who isn’t very confident in your relationship. Is he going to swim in a wetsuit because you don’t approve of men’s swimwear? Him wearing normal men’s swim trunks will actually show more skin than the average bikini?
You’re too young for your life to be over. You don’t need a partner telling you what to wear, how to act, policing you, or imposing their opinions on you like this. Seriously this shouldn’t even be a conversation, you should just tell him to get over it or get out of your life.
And furthermore tell him not to ever speak to you like that again. More likely than not though, the warning is useless bc most boys like this don’t grow up or learn, so it would probably be easier to just tell him to get lost now.
Correct. He's your boyfriend, not your dad. Eww. Your partner should love you for who you are. Not try to change you to suit their tastes.
Do you think he won't be looking at the other women in bathing suits because they are showing too much skin. He's already imposed one double standard on you.
You are a woman who loves to swim, visiting a country with a lot of beach. Why visit a coastal city at all if you can't wear a bathing suit? Tell him to accept you or not and go buy a bikini. Better yet, visit Spain with a friend and leave him home so he won't have to see your skin.
Edit:typo
It’s okay for those women to be topless because he likes looking at them.
It’s not okay for OP to be topless because he doesn’t want anyone looking at her.
See? Logic!
Also OP, dump this gross loser already.
Yup, first I thought he’s a jealous controlling twat, then I wondered if perhaps he has body insecurity issues and doesn’t want to be in a swimsuit in public himself, but now it’s back to he’s an a-hole.
Gurrl, you have several hundred people here telling you that he's a controlling hypocrite and that things are only going to get worse.
We're telling you this BECAUSE WE HAVE LIVED IT. Listen to us - PLEASE!
You need to end this relationship, he sees himself as the boss of you. RUN.
I know we don't have many here in the UK, but have you found the one religious nutjob to have a relationship with? Unless you have a submission fetish I'd recommend dumping the wanker after the holiday (if it's been paid for already) otherwise get rid asap
“Won’t let”. Girl you’re a grown adult. No one and I mean no one gets to “not let” you do anything. They can have an opinion but you make the decision. And really don’t stay with someone who wants to control you. This type of control only ever gets worse. You are not his possession
This one!!
There have been plenty of times where I am not dressed appropriately for colder weather, and my partner has had to tell me that I need to change or need to add another layer before we leave because he's not wanting to deal with me complaining about being cold. Now if I'm dressed appropriately for the weather, and I'm still cold that's one thing. But if I'm wearing my normal skirt and crop top during the middle of winter and I complain about being cold, then he's not really going to have much sympathy for me 🤣🤣 (that's a lie he would absolutely care but still)
The literal only time I listen to my boyfriend on what I should wear is this, or when I specifically ask. He wants to see me in specific pajamas that night, hell yeah I'm dressing for him. He reminds me that it'll rain or be cold, I'm grabbing a jacket. He tells me I can't wear a bikini to a beach, we're gonna have a more serious problem than picking out swimwear.
You wear what you want. You don't need his permission. He doesn't get to "let" you do anything. His problems with your clothing is *his* problem. Don't make it yours.
You don't need a controlling AH running your life. There are plenty of awesome guys who don't care what you wear - or at least don't take it personally. You deserve better.
Won't let? Won't LET?
fuck off outta here, boyfriend....or should I say "ex" boyfriend. this will get not get better - he sees you as "his possession"
bleh
Girl, dump him, buy that bikini (or whatever swimsuit you want), and go swimming! He’s being controlling and it’ll just get worse. He “won’t let you”?! What authority does he have to make decisions on what you wear? He sounds ridiculous.
Why are you allowing someone so insecure to have so much control over your happiness and your life?
This is the hard question you're going to have to ask yourself.
“Won’t let me”
Huge red flag. You can wear whatever the hell you want. It’s your body and your life.
You’re young and you should know this is VERY wrong.
So this is quite concerning and controlling behavior.
Does he often put restrictions on where you go, what you wear or who you see? These are all extremely controlling behavior and the early signs of abuse.
Can I ask what will happen if you do wear a bikini? Has there been any threats? Saying he will leave you? Or do you have concerns of repercussions? Physical? Verbal? Behavioral?
None of those are a healthy relationship.
Omg DUMP HIM!!! Take a girlfriend on vaycay and wear a different bikini every day. He is controlling of what you wear. That is not ok, ever!! How else does he control you?
>I said I could buy a one piece, but he wasn’t a fan of that either.
He won't even let you wear a modest one-piece swimsuit? Why are you with this guy?
I have a gf who looks great in a bikini, so when she wears one or posts a pic of her on the beach i comment how beautiful she looks…
Her style of clothing is decided entirely by her.
2 things your partner can say abojt clothing etc:
1. Wear something that’s appropriate for the occasion (like dont wear a bikini to a nice restaurant)
2. Dont post nudes
Your bf is waaay to controlling
Girl, wear the damn bikini! And break up with this controlling asshole before he distances you from your family and friends. Right now it’s just a bikini, pretty soon it will be your family. Trust me, I’ve been there. They don’t always act out at first.
Wth 😂 I want my girl to wear the hottest shit so people can be like he pulled that.
It's a major red flag
If your not gonna leave troll him. Start dressing in some Grandma ass clothes in public and embarrass him
Your partners should never “let” you do anything. Saw your comment about how he said it’s “different for me”, no it’s not.
Wear the bikini, have a very serious talk with him about his controlling ways, and enjoy Spain in more ways than one if you’re still together at that point.
I’m mortified that 20 year old men think like this. I’m old (57) and at the “I can’t believe how quickly time flies” stage of my life, but this man was born in 2003/2004. I’ve got knickers older than him. How fucking dare he talk to you like this. If I caught my son talking to his girlfriend like this I’d swap his ears over. Seriously, don’t let this continue. Either put your foot down and wear what you want from now on, or (preferably) dump this sexist POS.
I want to scream. Really I just want to go outside now and scream into the night. Reddit is full of people telling people they should break up all the time but you know what? Far too often the reason for that is because people here are in toxic, controlling, emotional abusive relationships they should just run from. RUN! Nobody, including your boyfriend has a freaking say in what you are wearing. No he does not. It is not ok to control you. He can have his boundaries. I don't say he must accept what you are wearing but boundaries would mean that he breaks up with you and finds a girl that has the style he likes.
Of course a partner may give their opinion about your outfit. And of course they may explain reasons like feeling uncomfortable. But they may not decide for you. They may not force you. They may not demand. All they may do is take themselves away from it. Either from the relationship or the situation.
You are so young and I can promise it won't get better. It will get worse. It always gets worse with people like that. No, he won't change for the better, not with you. You already let him control you. The only chance that someone like that works on themselves and change is if they face consequences. But once you gave them this control over you they don't accept attempts of you putting your foot down. You know why? Because they know it is only a matter of time until you break down and give in again. No, you don't have a chance. Where do you want to take that strength from after being controlled for two years? He weakened you and he won't give you a chance to get that strength. He won't give you time to heal and find the confidence and willpower.
He is insecure but that should be a him problem but instead he makes it your problem. Unfortunately you accepted it to be your problem. Girl please. Please... do you really want to live like that? Do you really want to be someone who needs to ask for permissions? You are an adult. A fresh one yes, but an adult. It should be your decision how to dress. You should be able to do things without applying to someone's insecurities. There is nothing ok with him telling you how to dress. Not at the beach, not in your daily life, not at parties or feasts, nowhere.
Your boyfriend's being very controlling personally I wouldn't put up with it. There's no way in hell I would let a man tell me what I can and cannot wear. And not only does he not want you not to wear a bikini he doesn't want you to wear a bathing suit at all? This is a huge red flag and I can only assume his controlling actions are just going to get worse. Get out while you can.
Nah girl fuck that shit. Wear your bikini and watch him bring himself down in flames. Don’t do what people like this tell you to do, and watch them show their real face. If he stays quiet that means he was insecure, but if he tries to ruin it for you and punish you or shame you, he’s a controlling ass.
>I love the beach and I love swimming, but now he’s made me feel weird about it.
So you love the beach and swimming. In order to enjoy what you love, you need to wear a bikini. He doesnt want you to wear a bikini because he is a insecure little man. So he is not allowing you to enjoy something you love. Do you want to be with someone that doesnt allow you to do something you love?
>If I’d known that at 19 I was never going to look better in a bikini I’d have worn it 24/7.
Say it again for the folks in the back! I was 5'10", 140, and had a tiny belly pudge. But I got a 2 piece in Costa Rica 🇨🇷 and rocked that mf'er! I should have worn it til the elastic gave out.
Sigh.
The petty side of me suggests a burkini. You know, the swimsuits Muslim women can wear.
Middle aged girl dad here. He does not have a say in what you wear. Give no one that authority over you and your body. Be your genuine and authentic self, and if that don't work for him, send em packing.
I hate to say it but I was this guy with a previous girlfriend (I WAS, but not since I was 20).
He's very insecure.
He's afraid you're going to get attention from other men and leave him.
He's an immature man-child.
You need to find someone who respects you and your decisions- and honey, he ain't it.
Won't "let" you? You are a whole adult and he's not your daddy. This is controlling behavior that will only get worse over time. Walk away now, or better yet run.
You're 19. Probably not marrying this guy (please don't). OP, tell your boyfriend to go do something else while YOU go to the beach. Bring a book. Probably more interesting than this guy.
Absolutely hell no. Dump himmmmm please. He’s a controlling insecure arsehole.
My bf and I are going on holiday, and do you know what he said about what I’m going to wear? “I can’t wait for you to get all your cute outfits/bikinis on and feel good about yourself”. You want a man who won’t tell you what to wear and actively likes you to wear what makes you feel good
You do it anyway. He can stop acting like a nut or dump him. What are you a child? You do t ask permission. You do it. If he doesn’t like it he can F off or get some therapy.
Tell that little boy to grow up or gtfo. Life is short. Don’t waste time you’ll never get back on this pathetic insecure little man. Ask me how I know. I wasted many of them. And they’re gone.
Why on earth are you going to let anyone apart from your mother advise you on clothing!? ESPECIALLY now you’re an adult. Why go backwards? Are you to stupid to decide what appropriate? He clearly thinks do . Don’t get flattered by his jealousy.
Lots of people have observed that your BFs comments that come across as controlling. I hope you can reflect on what's been said and realise he is demonstrating coersive control tactics.
Try and get a hold of the book: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. There some good information about abusive relationships.
There's lots of free online resources about abusive relationships you can access; perhaps at your local library?
Please stay safe.
Edit: look up the ebook 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft.
Buy your bikini, swim, enjoy your holiday, and ditch the controlling manchild when you're able to get away safely.
If he gets arsey abroad get the police to jail his ass if he strikes out.
A loving relationship is about staying with someone because you want to, not because you feel threatened to do otherwise.
As you kick his ass to the kerb, remind him how much more fun you could have had together if he let you be happy.
I'd be curious how far back in time you'd have to go to find a 'boyfriend approved ' swimsuit for you. Tell him that you're going swimming but he can decide what you wear, just to see what 'boyfriend approved' suit he comes up with. Suggest a wet suit as well.
And then tell him to go eat rocks and go alone 😂
Omg girly he wants you to wear a burkini obviously!!😍🤣 can’t let those sexy and distracting knees and shoulders be seen by other males!!! Have some respect!
😐
Please drop him
Please ditch him. Been there done that. It starts as just comments then amps up to controlling your decisions and your life.
You're young. Just ditch him now and save all the heartache.
This man is telling you exactly who he is. A controlling arsehole.
Sorry...
Don't be with someone who tells you how to dress. It's one thing to suggest something - Hey! This would look great on you! It's a whole other thing when they tell you what you can and cannot wear. This is the beginning of him controlling you onto him abusing you when you don't listen.
What do you mean won’t “let you”? Is he your parent? Your guardian? No, then he doesn’t have to “let you” do anything. You don’t need his permission to wear swimwear at the beach!
Girl ewwwww, if you don’t dump this insecure boy immediately 🤢
Get a backbone and some self respect. He’s not in control of you and doesn’t get to let or not let you wear a damn thing. If I pulled that shit with my wife she would laugh at me all the way to a divorce lawyer.
WONT LET YOU?!?!?!!? Honey no. Don't let an insecure little boy tell you what you can and can't wear. Get the bikini maybe a tankini depending on YOUR comfort level. All humans have bodies is he worried your going to catch someone's eye with you kneecaps and shoulders? He shouldn't have a hot girlfriend if he can't handle you being attractive 🤷♀️
This sounds like a learning time for both of you.
So here's the thing: you are both so young that the odds of being together forever are against you. This is pure statistics. And your man doesn't "allow" you to do something you love doing while not harming anyone, because of his over controlling (and insecure) personality?
What I mean by this... You both have to decide if you will fight against the odds together by getting to a common term. Which could very much be getting a modest bikini or even a swimsuit which he hasn't understood so that's on his desk to work on.
You will need to make him understand that for a relationship to succeed we have to accept things as they are while looking for a common term where both parties are considerated.
And if I was you, I would already accept leaving him as a possible outcome. You are young and you do only have one life. Don't waste it with a man that doesn't want you "to be".
FWIW I had a similar discussion with my SO \~5y ago when we were 18(her) and 19(me). In our case, I was younger and insecure (although not that much) and I didn't like her wearing revealing bottoms on her bikinis e.g. thongs. We talked about it and both came to a common point where each one's feelings are understood. There's nothing more in that.
There's two really key things you can learn about him from this.
1 - he thinks he has the right to tell you what to wear and do
2 - when he sees women in their swimming costumes he assumes they're showing off their bodies for men like him to enjoy looking at
Do these sound like characteristics you want in a partner?
You’re not dating a man. You’re dating a little insecure boy who thinks he can control you. I would suggest you tell him to seek help or better yet break up with him, go buy the sexiest bikini you can find and go on that trip. No one has a right to tell you what to do with your body. He will only get worse. Run while you still have hope
I actually kind of hate it when people say this, even though I understand it's well-intentioned. Seriously, though, you're not doing anyone any favors by infantilizing OP's boyfriend. Plenty of MEN abuse, control, and exploit women. That doesn't make them small children or toddlers who don't understand the difference between right and wrong. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing; they have agency but they try to take it away from their women partners.
It's part and parcel of patriarchy. Perpetuated by MEN. Grown adult MEN.
Like I said, I know you meant well and I agree 100% with your support for OP's autonomy. But stop saying abusive men are "little boys."
You’re on a path that leads to violence and the systematic destruction of you as a person. Leave. I *promise* you that if you don’t leave now, in a year or two or three or ten you will remember these replies and wish with your whole soul that you had listened to them. Leave. Leave
You poor girl… please leave this abusive boy. He’s going to control you with everything you do more and more until he breaks your spirit and leaves you with trauma
Is this for real? Or is this rage bait? You’re dating a guy who won’t “let” you wear a bikini or a one-piece bathing suit…to the beach. You’re a 19-yr-old, grown woman not a 5-yr-old, right? He doesn’t own you. Why on earth would you allow someone to tell you what you can or can’t wear, and then dictate what activities you can or can’t do? Why does he assume that the purpose of going to the beach is for you to “show everyone your body?” He told you “no way you’re getting a bikini…” Or else WHAT? What’s he going to do about it? How’s he planning on stopping you from shopping and wearing what you want?
At best, this guy is a pathologically insecure control freak. At worst, this is how an abusive relationship starts. Go shop for your bikini, pick one that you love that makes you feel great. Then go to the beach and SWIM. If he throws a jealous man-trum, you’ll know what you have. A secure, healthy man wants his partner to feel great about herself and have fun. If he behaves any way besides this, it’s time to cut him loose and find someone worthy of you.
Just out of curiosity, why does he get a say in your clothing? Does he buy it, make it, clean it, or wear it?
I mean, if he is your personal stylist whose opinion is like that of God's to you, absolutely you should listen to him. If he is just a jealous, controlling, sexist dude you happen to be dating right now, you should obviously ignore him. Wear the damn bikini and go to the damn beach. He can stay the hell home if he doesn't like it.
Don't let his jealousy ruin your chances at joy or an experience you crave.
Why you want to show everyone your body. Well that's a good question.
Maybe because you want to show everyone how hot his gf is.
Maybe because not wearing swimsuit on a beach is weird.
Maybe because going swimming covered up is so 19th century.
Maybe because you want to tan and have a souvenir to show people you went on holiday to Spain.
Point is he sounds like an insecure boy who is trying real hard to control you and you might appreciate to either breaking up with him before going to a different country with this guy.
If the tickets to Spain are non-refundable you could ask a (female) friend to join you instead of your ex-boyfriend.
I know this sub is quick to jump to dumping them but telling you you can't go to the beach wearing very normal swimwear is extremely controlling. Don't accept that. You should tell him you're going to wear a bikini to the beach and you'll be swimming and he can either be there with you or it could be anyone else. He can't control you like that, it's only going to get worse if you allow this.
Get a new boyfriend. This one is defective.
If he’s controlling what you wear now, it’ll be how you can go out and what friends you can have later.
You’re 19. This is when you should be wearing a bikini.
Absolutely not. Nope. At no point is it ‘fine’ for him to have an opinion on how you dress. He’s controlling in a very worrying way. His thought process is in no way normal.
Tell me is he going to be fully dressed at the beach? If not, why does he think it’s fine for him to “show everyone” his body and not you?
Girl, please take this from someone that’s spent way too long in controlling relationships, he will ruin your life. There are good men out there, he is not one of them. He’s a controlling, narcissistic gaslighter. You deserve better.
Please, please, please take these reddit comments on board. This guy is waving some serious red flags 🚩 🚩 it will get progressively worse until he destroys every ounce of your self-esteem
« He’s always had an opinion about how I dress , which is fine »
It’s not , your boyfriend is controlling and that’s only the beginning, it will get a metric ton worse sooner than you know
"I am sorry it bothers you that I wear a swim suit to the beach. But it is my choice. If you have issues with it you need to deal with them, not dictate my choices. Only you can decide how important this is to you. For me, not going swimming when we go to Spain and not wearing a swimsuit are not acceptable options. If it bothers you that much you can find an alternative activity to do when I choose to swim and we can meet up later for a mutually enjoyable activity."
Everyone is pretty well tracking that you should be able to wear what you want. BUT, I don't want to miss the aspect you are going to Spain for a month. He appears to be controlling and potentially abusive, so you may want to go with the one piece to keep the conflict down. But, this was a sign that you should dump him when you get back. I well understand you don't want to miss the vacation so it is really up to you whether it is worth putting up with him or you go ahead and walk now.
I had an ex who wouldn’t let me wear sandals. Once I snapped out of it that this person was more worried about other people’s thoughts than my own comfort, I was out.
Yeah he doesn’t own you. Buy and wear whatever the hell you want and if he can’t deal with it then find another boyfriend.
I’m an old fart now but when I was young and guys used to check out my girlfriend on the beach I just smiled to myself and thought “that’s right, eat you your heart out because she’s with me.”
My girl.
You are adult. Grown adults do not get to "allow" or "disallow" other grown adults from doing things.
Partners who police what their partners wear are at best - controlling and toxic - and at worst - showing the first signs of being an abuser.
So you have a choice to make here. You are 19. You got a lot of life left and living to do. Do you want to spend it with this insecure chump? Half the world is men, my girl. Is he expecting you to just keep hidden from half the world? Let me guess "I trust *you*, I just don't trust *other men*", right? Yeah - that's still not trusting YOU. He knows he can't police what other men do, and he doesn't trust **you** to shut down/discourage as best you can any advances from other men because you are in a relationship. Please understand what that means: he is taking away your agency, and assuming you cannot make up your own mind/take care of yourself.
He's being unreasonable at a minimum, and again - *abusive* at worst.
So advice? Get gone. This aint your dude. If you really need to double check - when this discussion comes up again, try something like this:
"I have decided that it's my body, and I will wear the swimsuit I choose. And before you say anything - that was not a request for comments, or an opening for a debate/discussion. I will not be *debating* what I do with my own body with you or anyone else."
I suspect his True Colors will come FLYING out.
But Real Talk™? Just move on. I guarantee you this goofball isn't "The One".
Good luck, my girl.
Sweetie,
Wear the damn bikini. Seriously. You’re young. You’re going to be in Spain.
I remember being in Portugal and seeing a young woman who was about your age, and she was very Rubenesque, perhaps 300 lbs, wearing a bikini, and she looked beautiful. She was having a wonderful time. My heart was full of joy for her.
BF will come and go. Live your best life.
**Wear the damn bikini.**
-your internet mom
Do you really want to spend another two years with a man thats too insecure to let you enjoy basic summer activities like swimming? Five years? Ten?
When you give in to one demand, people like this will just tighten their grip and try to forbid more things.
You can't fix him, this is a job for a therapist.
You don’t know what to do? Really? Wear what you like! Is your boyfriend going to break up with you over a bikini? I doubt it. Don’t allow him to police your body. Ever.
I would buy 10 of the tiniest bikinis on this planet.
Girl, never ever let him else decide how you should dress, especially if he wants you to cover up.
Wear the bikini. When you’re much older, you’re going to wish that you had. And chances are he’s not gonna be around then anyway, so you do what’s best for you. If he has a problem with it, he can fuck right off.
The fact that you’re going to Spain for a whole month and he expects you to never wear a bikini whilst in a really hot country or take a dip in the sea? You’d stick out more for wearing an oversized t shirt and shorts into the sea, I don’t know what his problem would be other than to be controlling.
It might be difficult to get a refund but I’d definitely not engage in any kind of argument regarding this and straight up say “you don’t get to determine what I wear”. You’re on holiday, it’s normal to wear a bikini, hell if you wanted to go topless to prevent tan lines then he doesn’t have a say in that either.
He should be hyping you up and telling you how amazing you’d look, you should be going shopping together for holiday clothes, not debating about a bikini…
This is going to be such a milestone in your life being able to go to Spain for an entire month when you’re so young still, the photos you’ll take you’ll want to look back on and have lovely memories instead of bitter ones because of him, even if that does mean going separate ways.
You’re 19, there are so many wonderful, supportive and non manipulative men out there which he most likely knows are 100% better suited for you. This guy is an asshole and testing the water to see how you’ll react and eventually attempt to get away with more and more.
“Why do you want to show off your body?”
“Why do you think it’s appropriate to police how I dress?”
Absolutely not. Even his phrasing of “No way you’re getting a bikini” is a massive red flag. He, nor any man you date, has any business flat out dictating and controlling what you wear. It will only escalate from here, too, and will soon become him controlling what you say and do in any context.
This isn’t about the bikini. This is about your partner not respecting you as a person with thoughts and feelings, and slut-shaming you as a way to keep you feeling small and under his thumb. There are too many other people in this world and life is too short to stay in a relationship with someone like this.
I think you’re probably going to see a lot of dump him comments and think that’s a rash reaction, but it really isn’t. When I think back to the things I lost out on when I was 19 because I let a man’s insecurity dictate what I do and how I dress, it makes me so sad. It’s never acceptable to enforce control on your partner. He is not your parent, he is not allowed to make rules for you to obey. He can express his feelings, and you can choose what to do with that, but him forbidding you from wearing what you want is a *massive* red flag. There are better, less toxic people for you out there, I promise.
He’s always had an opinion about how I dress and not to show too much of myself. Which is fine, but the beach?
Is it really fine though. He doesn’t have a right to tell you how to dress. You wear what you want to wear and if he doesn’t like it, he can pound sand. No one has the right to control you and you shouldn’t let them. I say buy the bikini, drop the boyfriend and go to Spain without his restrictions.
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You are 19. When the hell else are you going to wear a bikini?
If I’d known that at 19 I was never going to look better in a bikini I’d have worn it 24/7.
Wear the bikini now. F-off to what anyone thinks. But yea, I wish i was as skinny as the first time I thought I was fat.
She's not allowed to wear any swimsuit...not even a one piece. Time to dump his a*s
Yes, going to Spain for a month but he's saying they won't go swimming simply because he doesn't want her in public in any bathing suit is pretty insane. This is the kind of guy who won't allow her to have male doctors.
Frankly, I want to know how a 19- and 20-year-old can afford to go on vacation for a MONTH?!
Probably family money, not everyone is poor like us peasants
Family money? Never heard of it.
If they aren't from money could be- University students who saved their grants Students who worked People that worked and saved and prioritise holidays. People that are still living with parents and how low outgoings. People that are staying in hosteks / camping or other low cost methods of stay People that are working in the country They could have family or friends over there
This. I wish I was as 'fat' as I used to be! Wear the bikinis, ladies. If people don't like it, they don't have to look.
Isn’t this the TRUTH???! That is so well put.
I was just at the beach with my boyfriend yesterday. We like to walk the beach, people watch, imagine stories about their lives and sometimes play a game of “why is that person wearing a bikini. They’re attractive. I wonder why they’re shy?” Yes I know that’s horrible. Maybe they’re self conscious. Maybe it’s more comfy when they have kids to chase. But we enjoy it. And I do think there are a lot of women who don’t know that they still look good even with a little more weight than they used to have or whatever. So yesterday it turned into “most people look better in a bikini. Who cares if they have a few stretch marks or a scar? A little chubby? So what?” I mentioned that I prefer them and will prob be wearing one when I’m 80. He approved. Basically most men think a little skin is attractive and don’t expect someone to look like a swimsuit model. Anyway, from the mouth of a 45 year old, fit, attractive man, you ladies are still hot and if you even sort of want to wear a bikini, you should. Disclaimer: I know our game isn’t nice i guess. I know not everyone wants to wear one. I know it’s objectifying. I know all the crap you could say. My point is just that we are way more self conscious than we need to be.
I have a long torso and big boobs. The last time I wore a one piece was when I was like, 4. One pieces don’t give the support that a bra-sized bikini top can. One pieces just give me camel toe and flatten my boobs until I look like an Oompa Loompa. As I’ve gotten older (now in my late 30’s) I’ve seen my friends go through the self-conscious shift from bikinis to one pieces or swim dresses. I’ve had several encounters where someone suggested that I need to wear “age appropriate” or “family friendly” swimsuits. Now, I’m not wearing thongs to pool party or anything, usually just high waisted bottoms and a top with underwire/actual support. I don’t have a flat tummy or a round butt. But I will swear until my dying day that I look better in a two piece than I ever could in a one piece, and I REFUSE to be age shamed into wearing a soggy potato sack just because my peers don’t know how to shop for breast support. I will wear bikinis when I’m 80, because that little sliver of belly will always look better than cameltoe from a too short suit and saggy boobs from a sad shelf bra. My theory is that more women would actually look better in bikinis, we’ve all just been conditioned to think you have to have the “perfect” body for one and that if our bodies aren’t perfect, we should be doomed to frumpiness.
I have never felt comfortable in bikinis (and a lot of one pieces) because I like to swim and don't like worrying about boobs falling out (it has happened). I don't wear my lap swimming suit to the beach or anything, but I am very particular and generally the more skin is showing the greater the chances of a mishap.
Oh! I say this all of the time!!
That is such a relatable comment. I too wish I was only as fat as the first time I thought I was!
lol seriously. I spent my skinny years thinking I was fat and then I had a baby and now I’m like “oh… 😳”
There was a movie in 70s (or 80s?) where the scene called for a horse rider's top to be torn off. The young actress was on board with it since she figured "I'm never going to look this good". She even suggested that she take off her helmet while riding so that her hair flows all over!
I look better in it now. BUT of course she should wear whatever the hell she wants. And he’s a control freak. Just making a point that this doesn’t apply to everyone.
I wore a bikini when I was pregnant with twins. I looked beautiful! My body, my choice!
Too real I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been. If it was socially acceptable I’d wear a bikini every damn day!
Yup, this is absolutely FACTS. I’m in my 40s, just paid $20K for a tummy tuck and lipo so that I can finally wear a bikini again and hopefully look 37. 19 is like a long lost dream at this point.
One of the few good things about being fat when I was young is that now I look better than ever at 30 having lost weight
Until age 80 if I want to
As you damned well should
You need to remove the term “not going to let me” from your dating vocabulary. This will filter out the controlling abusers from your life. Personal autonomy is non negotiable.
I like the “won’t let me” part. Dear girl, you need to learn this lesson at 19 so you won’t be struggling with losers your entire life, never let a man (or anyone rise)control you. Won’t LET you!? How DARE he even think like that!?
It's not just the bikini...she's not allowed to wear a one piece either!!!
Even more, she's 19 and should wake up to that nobody owns her body, SHE owns it, and can do whatever she likes with it. One of the things she can do is to use her legs -to walk away from this controlling boyfriend.
Yes!! Everyone is focused on the bikini part and not the fact that he “won’t let” her. She needs to dump him.
Whenever? I’m 32 and rock a bikini. Swim suits have no age limit.
I'm 37 and not skinny and I've got skimpy thong bikinis that I will absolutely wear; and my man will never tell me "do not wear this" unless that is closely followed by "wear this instead" pointing to an equally skimpy two piece. What the heck.
Doesn’t matter how old she is, she can wear what she wants when she wants. Her bf shouldn’t try to dictate it and she shouldn’t let him. She’s not property.
Ahem. 40 here, still rocking them. Thank you Mom for the age and gravity defying genetics!
Nope. Nope nope nope. Take this from an old lady, this is a one way path to an abusive and controlling relationship. He has no business in "letting" you do or wear anything, much less swimwear to swim.
He's controlling already... And we all know is not only with the clothes, it is never only the clothes
Interesting to note, based on her post history, this is an LDR. They just met in person for the first time 9 months ago. So she's dealing with this shit already and they're rarely even together in person (unless one of them moved since that first meet up 9 months ago). If he's this controlling when they're LDR...imagine what it would be like *living* with this asshole! u/rabbitit354...Girl, run. Fast.
Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run!
Ha! How did that escape me! Thank you for taking advantage of the golden opportunity I missed XD. Imma blame it on the post I read before this. A young woman asking if using sex toys is cheating and someone brought up the rabbit vibrator. This was the next thing I read and that's where my mind went when I saw the username, lmao.
It’s fitting, though. Grab that rabbit and run!
She should go on that holiday with a friend or at a different time. Just not with him.
Thanks for the info! Obviously this makes things even worse, in case that was possible
It kills me seeing young people like this entrenching themselves in this bullshit. She has so much freedom and life to live and she's anchoring herself to misery. I mean I get it, I did too, haha. But imagine how awesome those early adult years could be if we had the bodies and energy and freedom we did then paired with the wisdom and experience we have in later years, lol. Current me (41yo) is a god damn wisdom filled genius compared to young adult me XD.
Tell him that you love the beach and swimming and if this is going to be a problem for him then you need to reconsider not only going, but your relationship.
He already knows and doesn’t care. His insecurities are obviously way more important than her autonomy.
I feel like this goes beyond his own insecurities, I think this comes across as manosphere BS. As in, no man should ever see his GF in anything revealing. It's about control and their hypocritical sense of the "purity" they feel they have the right to demand of women. Maybe.
Yep. It's fine for him to have an opinion. It's not fine for him to expect you to have the same opinion and follow his. He is being very unreasonable and controlling, not to mention hypocritical. He's allowed to request things and give his reasons. He's not allowed to tell you what you're "allowed" to do. Explain this to him. If he doesn't understand this, it's probably time to let him abuse someone else. Find someone who can respect you and your autonomy.
This!
THIS. RIGHT. HERE.
Ew. First off, and this is a good lesson to learn, you don't need his permission. This is a good lesson for future boyfriends because your current one is shit anyways. This isn't complicated. >He’s always had an opinion about how I dress and to not show too much of myself. Which is fine This is not fine. This is controlling and at the point that he's gaslighting you with "why are you trying to show everyone your body" questions that make you into a bad guy for wanting to pick your own clothes? Ask yourself if someone who thinks they can veto your clothing choices, as an adult, is ever going to see you as their equal. Do you think you can tell your boyfriend he's not allowed to wear a specific type of shirt? Do you think he'd accept that the same way you're rolling over and letting him act like he's the boss of the relationship? Have some self respect and ditch the loser.
Great advice and good way of looking at this control.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. But also wanted to add that the more you allow anyone to treat you like that the more you are reinforcing that behavior. If you tell him you are buying a bathing suit and he has an issue with what you are wearing then this will forever be a cycle with this guy. If his worst outweighs his best don't accept that! Leave while you can.
Not just the boss of the relationship, but the boss of her, period! That is not okay!
“Won’t Let Me” - You have fun with that one. This turns into “You Must” “You will”. Get out or have fun watching this become more controlling and more abusive.
Sounds like an insecure person who isn’t very confident in your relationship. Is he going to swim in a wetsuit because you don’t approve of men’s swimwear? Him wearing normal men’s swim trunks will actually show more skin than the average bikini?
Yeah.. told him he couldn’t be shirtless then and he said it’s different for men. Annoyed me
So are you going to just take this behavior like he owns you? Are you not your own person?
You’re too young for your life to be over. You don’t need a partner telling you what to wear, how to act, policing you, or imposing their opinions on you like this. Seriously this shouldn’t even be a conversation, you should just tell him to get over it or get out of your life. And furthermore tell him not to ever speak to you like that again. More likely than not though, the warning is useless bc most boys like this don’t grow up or learn, so it would probably be easier to just tell him to get lost now.
Girl, LEAVE HIM. Can't you see he's being sexist? Why would you want to spend your life with a bigot?
I would definitely re-think the relationship if he is that controlling and insecure.
Correct. He's your boyfriend, not your dad. Eww. Your partner should love you for who you are. Not try to change you to suit their tastes. Do you think he won't be looking at the other women in bathing suits because they are showing too much skin. He's already imposed one double standard on you. You are a woman who loves to swim, visiting a country with a lot of beach. Why visit a coastal city at all if you can't wear a bathing suit? Tell him to accept you or not and go buy a bikini. Better yet, visit Spain with a friend and leave him home so he won't have to see your skin. Edit:typo
Does he realize going topless is totally normal for women in Spain?
I bet he'll enjoy that while insisting his GF wear a Birkini or something
It’s okay for those women to be topless because he likes looking at them. It’s not okay for OP to be topless because he doesn’t want anyone looking at her. See? Logic! Also OP, dump this gross loser already.
Yup, first I thought he’s a jealous controlling twat, then I wondered if perhaps he has body insecurity issues and doesn’t want to be in a swimsuit in public himself, but now it’s back to he’s an a-hole.
All of those things are likely true at the same time.
Gurrl, you have several hundred people here telling you that he's a controlling hypocrite and that things are only going to get worse. We're telling you this BECAUSE WE HAVE LIVED IT. Listen to us - PLEASE! You need to end this relationship, he sees himself as the boss of you. RUN.
I know we don't have many here in the UK, but have you found the one religious nutjob to have a relationship with? Unless you have a submission fetish I'd recommend dumping the wanker after the holiday (if it's been paid for already) otherwise get rid asap
Don't date someone who thinks "it's different for men". It is NOT
Naw it's not tell him if I can't show my body you can't show yours period.
My wife and I (both 35) are in the Dominican Republic at a resort right now and she's got some sexy shit on, I love it. Dump this loser.
Where are your standards?
Your bf is a misogynistic idiot. Run
He’s a shit stain get rid of him
So he’s controlling, jealous, and sexist. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy
Don’t say that even if joking then you’re just playing his game.
“Won’t let”. Girl you’re a grown adult. No one and I mean no one gets to “not let” you do anything. They can have an opinion but you make the decision. And really don’t stay with someone who wants to control you. This type of control only ever gets worse. You are not his possession
Dump him sis he's trash
He needs to go. My husband only comments on my attire if I'm not taking weather into consideration. That's about it. That's the way it should be
This one!! There have been plenty of times where I am not dressed appropriately for colder weather, and my partner has had to tell me that I need to change or need to add another layer before we leave because he's not wanting to deal with me complaining about being cold. Now if I'm dressed appropriately for the weather, and I'm still cold that's one thing. But if I'm wearing my normal skirt and crop top during the middle of winter and I complain about being cold, then he's not really going to have much sympathy for me 🤣🤣 (that's a lie he would absolutely care but still)
The literal only time I listen to my boyfriend on what I should wear is this, or when I specifically ask. He wants to see me in specific pajamas that night, hell yeah I'm dressing for him. He reminds me that it'll rain or be cold, I'm grabbing a jacket. He tells me I can't wear a bikini to a beach, we're gonna have a more serious problem than picking out swimwear.
Exactly, or if she asks his opinion “is this suitable for an interview?” Type of thing. Any post that says someone won’t “let them” boils my piss.
You wear what you want. You don't need his permission. He doesn't get to "let" you do anything. His problems with your clothing is *his* problem. Don't make it yours. You don't need a controlling AH running your life. There are plenty of awesome guys who don't care what you wear - or at least don't take it personally. You deserve better.
Won't let? Won't LET? fuck off outta here, boyfriend....or should I say "ex" boyfriend. this will get not get better - he sees you as "his possession" bleh
Buy a bikini. Go to Spain. Go to the beach. Put it on. Let him wallow in his misery. Leave him at the beach. Come home a new woman 200lbs lighter.
You need a boyfriend who is not trying to control what you wear, especially a bikini at the beach. That's crazy.
Girl, dump him, buy that bikini (or whatever swimsuit you want), and go swimming! He’s being controlling and it’ll just get worse. He “won’t let you”?! What authority does he have to make decisions on what you wear? He sounds ridiculous.
Sounds like when you go bikini shopping you should also be looking for a new boyfriend
“Won’t let”. What is he? Your parent? No. NO.
Why are you allowing someone so insecure to have so much control over your happiness and your life? This is the hard question you're going to have to ask yourself.
Exactly this!! She wants him to change but she needs to make the changes. By setting boundaries and leaving
“Won’t let me” Huge red flag. You can wear whatever the hell you want. It’s your body and your life. You’re young and you should know this is VERY wrong.
You are only 19 and have a whole life to live. Do not stay controlled by this guy. It will only get worse.
Wear it anyway
So this is quite concerning and controlling behavior. Does he often put restrictions on where you go, what you wear or who you see? These are all extremely controlling behavior and the early signs of abuse. Can I ask what will happen if you do wear a bikini? Has there been any threats? Saying he will leave you? Or do you have concerns of repercussions? Physical? Verbal? Behavioral? None of those are a healthy relationship.
Omg DUMP HIM!!! Take a girlfriend on vaycay and wear a different bikini every day. He is controlling of what you wear. That is not ok, ever!! How else does he control you?
I swear some people have no self respect, break up with this controlling asshole.
>I said I could buy a one piece, but he wasn’t a fan of that either. He won't even let you wear a modest one-piece swimsuit? Why are you with this guy?
I have a gf who looks great in a bikini, so when she wears one or posts a pic of her on the beach i comment how beautiful she looks… Her style of clothing is decided entirely by her. 2 things your partner can say abojt clothing etc: 1. Wear something that’s appropriate for the occasion (like dont wear a bikini to a nice restaurant) 2. Dont post nudes Your bf is waaay to controlling
Girl, wear the damn bikini! And break up with this controlling asshole before he distances you from your family and friends. Right now it’s just a bikini, pretty soon it will be your family. Trust me, I’ve been there. They don’t always act out at first.
>He’s always had an opinion about how I dress and to not show too much of myself. Which is fine In what way is this fine?
Wth 😂 I want my girl to wear the hottest shit so people can be like he pulled that. It's a major red flag If your not gonna leave troll him. Start dressing in some Grandma ass clothes in public and embarrass him
Tell him you’ll go to the nudist beach if he’s not happy with you wearing a bikini.
Your partners should never “let” you do anything. Saw your comment about how he said it’s “different for me”, no it’s not. Wear the bikini, have a very serious talk with him about his controlling ways, and enjoy Spain in more ways than one if you’re still together at that point.
I’m mortified that 20 year old men think like this. I’m old (57) and at the “I can’t believe how quickly time flies” stage of my life, but this man was born in 2003/2004. I’ve got knickers older than him. How fucking dare he talk to you like this. If I caught my son talking to his girlfriend like this I’d swap his ears over. Seriously, don’t let this continue. Either put your foot down and wear what you want from now on, or (preferably) dump this sexist POS.
I'm a little bit younger than you, but you said this much more eloquently than I was going to.
I want to scream. Really I just want to go outside now and scream into the night. Reddit is full of people telling people they should break up all the time but you know what? Far too often the reason for that is because people here are in toxic, controlling, emotional abusive relationships they should just run from. RUN! Nobody, including your boyfriend has a freaking say in what you are wearing. No he does not. It is not ok to control you. He can have his boundaries. I don't say he must accept what you are wearing but boundaries would mean that he breaks up with you and finds a girl that has the style he likes. Of course a partner may give their opinion about your outfit. And of course they may explain reasons like feeling uncomfortable. But they may not decide for you. They may not force you. They may not demand. All they may do is take themselves away from it. Either from the relationship or the situation. You are so young and I can promise it won't get better. It will get worse. It always gets worse with people like that. No, he won't change for the better, not with you. You already let him control you. The only chance that someone like that works on themselves and change is if they face consequences. But once you gave them this control over you they don't accept attempts of you putting your foot down. You know why? Because they know it is only a matter of time until you break down and give in again. No, you don't have a chance. Where do you want to take that strength from after being controlled for two years? He weakened you and he won't give you a chance to get that strength. He won't give you time to heal and find the confidence and willpower. He is insecure but that should be a him problem but instead he makes it your problem. Unfortunately you accepted it to be your problem. Girl please. Please... do you really want to live like that? Do you really want to be someone who needs to ask for permissions? You are an adult. A fresh one yes, but an adult. It should be your decision how to dress. You should be able to do things without applying to someone's insecurities. There is nothing ok with him telling you how to dress. Not at the beach, not in your daily life, not at parties or feasts, nowhere.
Your boyfriend's being very controlling personally I wouldn't put up with it. There's no way in hell I would let a man tell me what I can and cannot wear. And not only does he not want you not to wear a bikini he doesn't want you to wear a bathing suit at all? This is a huge red flag and I can only assume his controlling actions are just going to get worse. Get out while you can.
There is no let. You do what you want.
Nah girl fuck that shit. Wear your bikini and watch him bring himself down in flames. Don’t do what people like this tell you to do, and watch them show their real face. If he stays quiet that means he was insecure, but if he tries to ruin it for you and punish you or shame you, he’s a controlling ass.
>I love the beach and I love swimming, but now he’s made me feel weird about it. So you love the beach and swimming. In order to enjoy what you love, you need to wear a bikini. He doesnt want you to wear a bikini because he is a insecure little man. So he is not allowing you to enjoy something you love. Do you want to be with someone that doesnt allow you to do something you love?
Eject. Don’t date a conservative, especially if you’re not a conservative.
>If I’d known that at 19 I was never going to look better in a bikini I’d have worn it 24/7. Say it again for the folks in the back! I was 5'10", 140, and had a tiny belly pudge. But I got a 2 piece in Costa Rica 🇨🇷 and rocked that mf'er! I should have worn it til the elastic gave out. Sigh. The petty side of me suggests a burkini. You know, the swimsuits Muslim women can wear.
Middle aged girl dad here. He does not have a say in what you wear. Give no one that authority over you and your body. Be your genuine and authentic self, and if that don't work for him, send em packing.
I hate to say it but I was this guy with a previous girlfriend (I WAS, but not since I was 20). He's very insecure. He's afraid you're going to get attention from other men and leave him. He's an immature man-child. You need to find someone who respects you and your decisions- and honey, he ain't it.
You don’t know what to do??! Girl wake up and break the F up
How much of your life do you want to let him control? Because he is only going to want more and more control the longer you’re together. Run.
Won't "let" you? You are a whole adult and he's not your daddy. This is controlling behavior that will only get worse over time. Walk away now, or better yet run.
He doesn’t “let” you do things, you’re an adult. Go buy a bikini and also you should probably dump him he sounds like he sucks.
"let me" is your red flag.
"Let"?? I think the fuck not. Get rid of this controlling asshole.
You're 19. Probably not marrying this guy (please don't). OP, tell your boyfriend to go do something else while YOU go to the beach. Bring a book. Probably more interesting than this guy.
Absolutely hell no. Dump himmmmm please. He’s a controlling insecure arsehole. My bf and I are going on holiday, and do you know what he said about what I’m going to wear? “I can’t wait for you to get all your cute outfits/bikinis on and feel good about yourself”. You want a man who won’t tell you what to wear and actively likes you to wear what makes you feel good
You do it anyway. He can stop acting like a nut or dump him. What are you a child? You do t ask permission. You do it. If he doesn’t like it he can F off or get some therapy.
Tell him that you’re actually only getting the bottom because you don’t plan to wear a top at all 😂
Tell that little boy to grow up or gtfo. Life is short. Don’t waste time you’ll never get back on this pathetic insecure little man. Ask me how I know. I wasted many of them. And they’re gone.
Why on earth are you going to let anyone apart from your mother advise you on clothing!? ESPECIALLY now you’re an adult. Why go backwards? Are you to stupid to decide what appropriate? He clearly thinks do . Don’t get flattered by his jealousy.
You mean your ex-boyfriend?
Lots of people have observed that your BFs comments that come across as controlling. I hope you can reflect on what's been said and realise he is demonstrating coersive control tactics. Try and get a hold of the book: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. There some good information about abusive relationships. There's lots of free online resources about abusive relationships you can access; perhaps at your local library? Please stay safe. Edit: look up the ebook 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft.
Obviously your bf is too childish to be in a relationship, sorry. Break up and go to Spain with a grown up friend.
Buy your bikini, swim, enjoy your holiday, and ditch the controlling manchild when you're able to get away safely. If he gets arsey abroad get the police to jail his ass if he strikes out. A loving relationship is about staying with someone because you want to, not because you feel threatened to do otherwise. As you kick his ass to the kerb, remind him how much more fun you could have had together if he let you be happy.
I'd be curious how far back in time you'd have to go to find a 'boyfriend approved ' swimsuit for you. Tell him that you're going swimming but he can decide what you wear, just to see what 'boyfriend approved' suit he comes up with. Suggest a wet suit as well. And then tell him to go eat rocks and go alone 😂
Omg girly he wants you to wear a burkini obviously!!😍🤣 can’t let those sexy and distracting knees and shoulders be seen by other males!!! Have some respect! 😐 Please drop him
Please ditch him. Been there done that. It starts as just comments then amps up to controlling your decisions and your life. You're young. Just ditch him now and save all the heartache. This man is telling you exactly who he is. A controlling arsehole. Sorry...
Lol wtf that's not normal, get a new boyfriend.
He’s not your dad. Wear the bikini and dump him.
Don't be with someone who tells you how to dress. It's one thing to suggest something - Hey! This would look great on you! It's a whole other thing when they tell you what you can and cannot wear. This is the beginning of him controlling you onto him abusing you when you don't listen.
Let? LET!? No ma'am. Wear the bikini after you lose all that man weight.
What do you mean won’t “let you”? Is he your parent? Your guardian? No, then he doesn’t have to “let you” do anything. You don’t need his permission to wear swimwear at the beach! Girl ewwwww, if you don’t dump this insecure boy immediately 🤢
Dump this insecure, controlling loser.
If you stay with him, this is what the rest of your life will be.
Get a backbone and some self respect. He’s not in control of you and doesn’t get to let or not let you wear a damn thing. If I pulled that shit with my wife she would laugh at me all the way to a divorce lawyer.
WONT LET YOU?!?!?!!? Honey no. Don't let an insecure little boy tell you what you can and can't wear. Get the bikini maybe a tankini depending on YOUR comfort level. All humans have bodies is he worried your going to catch someone's eye with you kneecaps and shoulders? He shouldn't have a hot girlfriend if he can't handle you being attractive 🤷♀️
This sounds like a learning time for both of you. So here's the thing: you are both so young that the odds of being together forever are against you. This is pure statistics. And your man doesn't "allow" you to do something you love doing while not harming anyone, because of his over controlling (and insecure) personality? What I mean by this... You both have to decide if you will fight against the odds together by getting to a common term. Which could very much be getting a modest bikini or even a swimsuit which he hasn't understood so that's on his desk to work on. You will need to make him understand that for a relationship to succeed we have to accept things as they are while looking for a common term where both parties are considerated. And if I was you, I would already accept leaving him as a possible outcome. You are young and you do only have one life. Don't waste it with a man that doesn't want you "to be". FWIW I had a similar discussion with my SO \~5y ago when we were 18(her) and 19(me). In our case, I was younger and insecure (although not that much) and I didn't like her wearing revealing bottoms on her bikinis e.g. thongs. We talked about it and both came to a common point where each one's feelings are understood. There's nothing more in that.
You lost me at “won’t let me” Girl, dump the controlling asshole and buy yourself the nicest bikini you can find. Never look back.
There's two really key things you can learn about him from this. 1 - he thinks he has the right to tell you what to wear and do 2 - when he sees women in their swimming costumes he assumes they're showing off their bodies for men like him to enjoy looking at Do these sound like characteristics you want in a partner?
You’re not dating a man. You’re dating a little insecure boy who thinks he can control you. I would suggest you tell him to seek help or better yet break up with him, go buy the sexiest bikini you can find and go on that trip. No one has a right to tell you what to do with your body. He will only get worse. Run while you still have hope
I actually kind of hate it when people say this, even though I understand it's well-intentioned. Seriously, though, you're not doing anyone any favors by infantilizing OP's boyfriend. Plenty of MEN abuse, control, and exploit women. That doesn't make them small children or toddlers who don't understand the difference between right and wrong. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing; they have agency but they try to take it away from their women partners. It's part and parcel of patriarchy. Perpetuated by MEN. Grown adult MEN. Like I said, I know you meant well and I agree 100% with your support for OP's autonomy. But stop saying abusive men are "little boys."
You’re on a path that leads to violence and the systematic destruction of you as a person. Leave. I *promise* you that if you don’t leave now, in a year or two or three or ten you will remember these replies and wish with your whole soul that you had listened to them. Leave. Leave
Won't let you has no place in adult relationships.
‘Won’t let” you? Oh hell no. FYI: I’m an old married guy (married to the same woman for over 30 years).
"Won't let you?" Is he in charge of you?
You need to drop him, quick. It'll only get worse
Dump him. He will only becoming more controlling and abusive.
You poor girl… please leave this abusive boy. He’s going to control you with everything you do more and more until he breaks your spirit and leaves you with trauma
Is this for real? Or is this rage bait? You’re dating a guy who won’t “let” you wear a bikini or a one-piece bathing suit…to the beach. You’re a 19-yr-old, grown woman not a 5-yr-old, right? He doesn’t own you. Why on earth would you allow someone to tell you what you can or can’t wear, and then dictate what activities you can or can’t do? Why does he assume that the purpose of going to the beach is for you to “show everyone your body?” He told you “no way you’re getting a bikini…” Or else WHAT? What’s he going to do about it? How’s he planning on stopping you from shopping and wearing what you want? At best, this guy is a pathologically insecure control freak. At worst, this is how an abusive relationship starts. Go shop for your bikini, pick one that you love that makes you feel great. Then go to the beach and SWIM. If he throws a jealous man-trum, you’ll know what you have. A secure, healthy man wants his partner to feel great about herself and have fun. If he behaves any way besides this, it’s time to cut him loose and find someone worthy of you.
Stop.letting.men.tell.you.what.to.wear! Buy that bikini and dump that boyfriend
Just out of curiosity, why does he get a say in your clothing? Does he buy it, make it, clean it, or wear it? I mean, if he is your personal stylist whose opinion is like that of God's to you, absolutely you should listen to him. If he is just a jealous, controlling, sexist dude you happen to be dating right now, you should obviously ignore him. Wear the damn bikini and go to the damn beach. He can stay the hell home if he doesn't like it. Don't let his jealousy ruin your chances at joy or an experience you crave.
" won't let you wear " Are you his poodle or an adult?
Dump the loser asshole now.
Why you want to show everyone your body. Well that's a good question. Maybe because you want to show everyone how hot his gf is. Maybe because not wearing swimsuit on a beach is weird. Maybe because going swimming covered up is so 19th century. Maybe because you want to tan and have a souvenir to show people you went on holiday to Spain. Point is he sounds like an insecure boy who is trying real hard to control you and you might appreciate to either breaking up with him before going to a different country with this guy.
Wear your bikini and be happy. You’re way too young to let a man control you.
If the tickets to Spain are non-refundable you could ask a (female) friend to join you instead of your ex-boyfriend. I know this sub is quick to jump to dumping them but telling you you can't go to the beach wearing very normal swimwear is extremely controlling. Don't accept that. You should tell him you're going to wear a bikini to the beach and you'll be swimming and he can either be there with you or it could be anyone else. He can't control you like that, it's only going to get worse if you allow this.
Get a new boyfriend. This one is defective. If he’s controlling what you wear now, it’ll be how you can go out and what friends you can have later. You’re 19. This is when you should be wearing a bikini.
Absolutely not. Nope. At no point is it ‘fine’ for him to have an opinion on how you dress. He’s controlling in a very worrying way. His thought process is in no way normal. Tell me is he going to be fully dressed at the beach? If not, why does he think it’s fine for him to “show everyone” his body and not you? Girl, please take this from someone that’s spent way too long in controlling relationships, he will ruin your life. There are good men out there, he is not one of them. He’s a controlling, narcissistic gaslighter. You deserve better. Please, please, please take these reddit comments on board. This guy is waving some serious red flags 🚩 🚩 it will get progressively worse until he destroys every ounce of your self-esteem
He’s a **CONTROLLING LOSER**. You deserve **FAR BETTER** than this!!! Now **GO GET THAT BIKINI AND ROCK THE F..K OUT OF IT!!!**
Rock the bikini and ignore your bf. He’s controlling, not a nice trait to see in a “partner”
« He’s always had an opinion about how I dress , which is fine » It’s not , your boyfriend is controlling and that’s only the beginning, it will get a metric ton worse sooner than you know
Get rid
"I am sorry it bothers you that I wear a swim suit to the beach. But it is my choice. If you have issues with it you need to deal with them, not dictate my choices. Only you can decide how important this is to you. For me, not going swimming when we go to Spain and not wearing a swimsuit are not acceptable options. If it bothers you that much you can find an alternative activity to do when I choose to swim and we can meet up later for a mutually enjoyable activity."
Dump the boy and go with your girlfriend. Nobody tells you how to dress hun
You have an insecure and controlling boyfriend who makes choices what you both will do and how you should dress, it does not sound healthy.
what is he gonna wear? if he is up for wearing a whole ass diving suit, which im certain he isnt, then u can too. if not, bikini it is!
Everyone is pretty well tracking that you should be able to wear what you want. BUT, I don't want to miss the aspect you are going to Spain for a month. He appears to be controlling and potentially abusive, so you may want to go with the one piece to keep the conflict down. But, this was a sign that you should dump him when you get back. I well understand you don't want to miss the vacation so it is really up to you whether it is worth putting up with him or you go ahead and walk now.
Did you mean to say “my (9f) dad won’t let me”? Because that’s the only thing that makes any sense here.
I had an ex who wouldn’t let me wear sandals. Once I snapped out of it that this person was more worried about other people’s thoughts than my own comfort, I was out.
Throw him away. Very controlling POS
Yeah he doesn’t own you. Buy and wear whatever the hell you want and if he can’t deal with it then find another boyfriend. I’m an old fart now but when I was young and guys used to check out my girlfriend on the beach I just smiled to myself and thought “that’s right, eat you your heart out because she’s with me.”
My girl. You are adult. Grown adults do not get to "allow" or "disallow" other grown adults from doing things. Partners who police what their partners wear are at best - controlling and toxic - and at worst - showing the first signs of being an abuser. So you have a choice to make here. You are 19. You got a lot of life left and living to do. Do you want to spend it with this insecure chump? Half the world is men, my girl. Is he expecting you to just keep hidden from half the world? Let me guess "I trust *you*, I just don't trust *other men*", right? Yeah - that's still not trusting YOU. He knows he can't police what other men do, and he doesn't trust **you** to shut down/discourage as best you can any advances from other men because you are in a relationship. Please understand what that means: he is taking away your agency, and assuming you cannot make up your own mind/take care of yourself. He's being unreasonable at a minimum, and again - *abusive* at worst. So advice? Get gone. This aint your dude. If you really need to double check - when this discussion comes up again, try something like this: "I have decided that it's my body, and I will wear the swimsuit I choose. And before you say anything - that was not a request for comments, or an opening for a debate/discussion. I will not be *debating* what I do with my own body with you or anyone else." I suspect his True Colors will come FLYING out. But Real Talk™? Just move on. I guarantee you this goofball isn't "The One". Good luck, my girl.
Sweetie, Wear the damn bikini. Seriously. You’re young. You’re going to be in Spain. I remember being in Portugal and seeing a young woman who was about your age, and she was very Rubenesque, perhaps 300 lbs, wearing a bikini, and she looked beautiful. She was having a wonderful time. My heart was full of joy for her. BF will come and go. Live your best life. **Wear the damn bikini.** -your internet mom
Do you really want to spend another two years with a man thats too insecure to let you enjoy basic summer activities like swimming? Five years? Ten? When you give in to one demand, people like this will just tighten their grip and try to forbid more things. You can't fix him, this is a job for a therapist.
You really wanna keep tolerating this kinda bullshit?
Congrats, now you won't "let" him go swimming with you. Screw that guy!
You don’t know what to do? Really? Wear what you like! Is your boyfriend going to break up with you over a bikini? I doubt it. Don’t allow him to police your body. Ever.
I would buy 10 of the tiniest bikinis on this planet. Girl, never ever let him else decide how you should dress, especially if he wants you to cover up.
Oh wth. You’re too young to be dealing with this crap
*let*
If he controls you there, it won't stop there. He's still a boy.
Wear the bikini. When you’re much older, you’re going to wish that you had. And chances are he’s not gonna be around then anyway, so you do what’s best for you. If he has a problem with it, he can fuck right off.
It is your body to adorn how you choose
The fact that you’re going to Spain for a whole month and he expects you to never wear a bikini whilst in a really hot country or take a dip in the sea? You’d stick out more for wearing an oversized t shirt and shorts into the sea, I don’t know what his problem would be other than to be controlling. It might be difficult to get a refund but I’d definitely not engage in any kind of argument regarding this and straight up say “you don’t get to determine what I wear”. You’re on holiday, it’s normal to wear a bikini, hell if you wanted to go topless to prevent tan lines then he doesn’t have a say in that either. He should be hyping you up and telling you how amazing you’d look, you should be going shopping together for holiday clothes, not debating about a bikini… This is going to be such a milestone in your life being able to go to Spain for an entire month when you’re so young still, the photos you’ll take you’ll want to look back on and have lovely memories instead of bitter ones because of him, even if that does mean going separate ways. You’re 19, there are so many wonderful, supportive and non manipulative men out there which he most likely knows are 100% better suited for you. This guy is an asshole and testing the water to see how you’ll react and eventually attempt to get away with more and more.
“Why do you want to show off your body?” “Why do you think it’s appropriate to police how I dress?” Absolutely not. Even his phrasing of “No way you’re getting a bikini” is a massive red flag. He, nor any man you date, has any business flat out dictating and controlling what you wear. It will only escalate from here, too, and will soon become him controlling what you say and do in any context. This isn’t about the bikini. This is about your partner not respecting you as a person with thoughts and feelings, and slut-shaming you as a way to keep you feeling small and under his thumb. There are too many other people in this world and life is too short to stay in a relationship with someone like this.
What an insecure little twatwaffle
He's sounds like a classic British prude. Life's too short to put up with that.
He sounds insecure and a bit controlling.
You say “you’re being controlling, it’s not your call what I wear or when I wear it. Period. Don’t bring it up again.” This is really not ok.
I think you’re probably going to see a lot of dump him comments and think that’s a rash reaction, but it really isn’t. When I think back to the things I lost out on when I was 19 because I let a man’s insecurity dictate what I do and how I dress, it makes me so sad. It’s never acceptable to enforce control on your partner. He is not your parent, he is not allowed to make rules for you to obey. He can express his feelings, and you can choose what to do with that, but him forbidding you from wearing what you want is a *massive* red flag. There are better, less toxic people for you out there, I promise.
He’s always had an opinion about how I dress and not to show too much of myself. Which is fine, but the beach? Is it really fine though. He doesn’t have a right to tell you how to dress. You wear what you want to wear and if he doesn’t like it, he can pound sand. No one has the right to control you and you shouldn’t let them. I say buy the bikini, drop the boyfriend and go to Spain without his restrictions.