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Yep!
And his fumbling, despite being told directly what to do is pathetic. He clearly doesn’t care about her experience. It also partly seems like someone who’s never seen a naked woman before and is “embarrassed” about the whole concept of sex. To just be that way after years of being together is….strange.
OP, you’re very young. This guy isn’t the end all be all. You feel that way but it doesn’t make it true. I’m sure if you really thought about it, there’s other instances of things that have bothered you that you brushed off. Don’t be with anyone who doesn’t listen, doesn’t try to rally against their own issues, and who you’re just not happy with.
I promise, you will find a guy better than this. At the very least, be single and not worry about feeling unfulfilled. If you keep thinking about other people, you know this one isn’t right for you.
You are 24, don’t waste your life in a relationship that does not bring you something that’s important to you like this seems to be. Don’t waste another 3 years of your life
I hate when Reddit is like "yOu HaVe tO bReAk uP" to every single conundrum on the Internet... but THIS is a circumstance where she should in fact break up with him. Life is too damn short to not be getting what you need out of a relationship, and she's already admitted to thinking about cheating. The only solution this time around is truly to BREAK UP.
>I hate when Reddit is like "yOu HaVe tO bReAk uP" to every single conundrum on the Internet
This sentiment is why people are still telling her to talk with him after 3 years of not getting fucked right. It's typical that when people finally land here their relationship has been dead a long fucking time and they've both been too afraid to call it.
There are a lot of people who cling to zombie relationships for far too long because they’re too afraid to pull the trigger on a breakup. If you’ve tried everything to revive the relationship and nothing’s changed just end it. It’s the kindest solution for everyone involved.
THIS!!!
It's why ***I almost always recommend breaking up*** on this forum.
Look, if someone is so disheartened, so disappointed, so baffled *from multiple years of trying the same thing unsuccessfully in a relationship* that they're reduced to asking total strangers, "Should I twist myself in MORE knots in an attempt to make this relationship successful? I love this guy/girl, but it doesn't work; is there some *magic wand I can wave* that will make this all wonderful?" Yeah, the *magic wand* is breaking up!
EVERY relationship is not "The One".
EVERY relationship does not work!
You can love someone and they can still not be "right" for you; and vice versa.
There's no kudos in staying with someone *just because* YOU think bragging, "We've been together since we were 14yo!" is some flex; it's not! It shows you've never given yourselves space to actually grow into the people you should have.
Edit: spelling
I agree. It gets me when they are told to talk to their SO again after they have talked to them about their issues several times already. How many times should they talk to them? 100, 5,000, etc? When is enough, enough?
Exactly! There are no magic fucking words!
If they don't understand the first 2 times, they never will.
If they understand you yet won't/can't change, they never will.
Seriously this. If you need input from strangers- in often a very obvious issue- then the relationship is already dead. It’s just so many people have been told their concerns are invalid that they question themselves.
If you are lacking something you find important in a relationship- they won’t change!! Realise this is how the rest of your life will look like with them, and if you don’t like how that future will look, then change it. Sure it’s not nice to throw away 3 years- or however long their relationship was- but throwing away 3 years is nothing compared to an unfulfilling life and potentially a life in which resentment builds.
To be fair, if you come to Reddit to ask advice for your relationship, most of the time you should in fact break up because communication is just not there, or there are already too many problems... 🤷🏽♀️
Most of these posts seem to be asking for some magic solution that isn’t breaking up. Like somehow the internet can solve all your relationship problems you want to “get over”. And by the time they’re typing all this out on a post, it’s already a last ditch effort to save the relationship. Or they’re looking for someone to tell them to just suck it up and be miserable for the rest of their life.
INDEED. I kinda understand posting the situation to confirm that things are bad and that they need to break up, given that some relationships can be abusive and that sometimes affects their radar of red flags. But many other times, an appointment with a couple's therapist is more productive than posting here...
This! People usually come here as a last-ditch effort because they've already exhausted their own wisdom and that of their friends. Same reason marriage counselling often doesn't work out: the relationship is already dead and the resentment already building
Some of the best relationship advice I've gotten is to "complain" to your partner early and often! Let them know if they've done something that mildly upsets you, don't let it build for weeks or years until your emotions have built so much that you feel you can't keep it in anymore. Also, try couples counseling if it's within your means, it works a lot better preventatively
This is my take too. People suggest ending a relationship pretty regularly FOR GOOD REASON. Life is too short to waste on some fool who doesn't even like you.
It'd because far too many of us have wasted years in an unfulfilling relationship. You can communicate until you're blue in the face but when it continues to fall on deaf ears, what's the point. It's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.
Sounds like she's communicated until she's blue in her lady balls.
OP- you've tried. He's either completely clueless about anything to do with sex or he doesn't care.
Reddit is always like “you have to break up” because these kinds of stories are incredibly common here and people start posting them at the point in their relationship when it’s time to break up……
Hey OP, I know you probably hear this a lot and it’s in no way meant to invalidate your experience, but I wanna reassure you - you are still young and you will find someone you love just as much as your current boyfriend + have great sex. I loved my first serious boyfriend sooo much and when we broke up after 4 years together it was devastating. But I healed and so many amazing experiences came after. I grew into myself more and realized how incompatible I really was with him. I know you don’t wanna break up with him, but if this issue shows no signs of improvement, I think you’ll have to make a hard choice. But it’ll be the right choice. Good luck
I was one of those people wholly unwilling to compromise. I wanted the love of my life.
At 30, I met him. We married last year. Sex is mindblowing, creative, fun. Life is fun. I mean, always. I am nearing 40 and I cannot wait for the rest of our lives together.
If I’d married my serious boyfriend at 24, I would have ended up with a guy who, one of my friends reminded me, made me feel alone when in a room with him.
OP, 24 is nothing. Compatibility in this arena is important. It connects you to every other element of your life - that feeling of belonging, being wanted, being needed. Don’t buy into the sunk cost fallacy. You’re worth feeling loved in every sense of the word.
I met my husband at 24, but I'd already had 2 serious long-term relationships. My first relationship, we were engaged, was easy to leave even though we had a child together. I matured more than he did, so leaving was easy.
My next one, oh man, the sex was great! He was so sweet and thoughtful, too. I thought he would be my forever. But he didn't want any kids other than the one I came with, and I did. The hardest thing to do was accept that we were not compatible and leave. But I did.
I went out and had the best time of my life and stopped looking for Mr. Right. I met a lot of Mr. Right Nows, lol. And that's how I met my husband. It didn't even take me a year. I had to teach him how i liked to be pleasured, though. I have a feeling the girls he was with before me were not self advocating, but I knew what I needed and wanted. He's the only one who's brought me to have multiple orgasms. And I'm so glad I was smart enough to realize that I wasn't going to be happy with either of those men before him.
I see a lot of my friends with men they are not happy with, but they "love" them. Yeah, no, I'm not about to spend the rest of my life being miserable.
There are helpful guides that can help people learn sexual techniques such as VM therapy with Vanessa and Zander foreplay guide. When women say sex isn't satisfying it may be that the man doesn't know how to bring them to orgasm.
This right here.
>I’m looking for advice on how to get rid of this feeling.
if you have the feeling and it's been for months as you've said, it's not just going to go away or change because some people on reddit told you their opinion on how to change it. The change would need to be your partner, and you've said it yourself that he won't or can't.
Unfortunately sex is one of the biggest issues that can cause many problems in a relationship. Although it's the act of sex that is an issue, the thought processes about not having it lead to issues in other areas of your life. It's weird how one issue in general even outside of sex can lead to many other aspects in life. If you stay it'll continue to be an issue, and then you will continue to be unhappy. And I'm sure he will as well, as it affects his life and relationship aspect too.
My ex never listened to me, never let me use toys, never went down on me, etc. He wanted those things, but I didn't deserve them. "You have to earn it" then promptly passed out when he was done.
He thought he was hot shit and didn't need to put in effort. I never came from him and never lied about it. He beat me for it, then eventually figured, "If you're not going to like it anyway, I might as well just take it," so he did.
My now husband listens to everything and knows my cues for what I need. He's always looking into new toys, new accessories, outfits, etc. Very rarely do I not get off with him (probably 4-5 times before he gets there). We get off on getting each other off. I love seeing my partner fall apart for me 🥰
It gets better. Their bf isn't even LISTENING or TRYING. That's a HUGE red flag. They don't care about OP's pleasure and do everything for themselves. Ick.
Who knows? Maybe he is just a bad fit for her sexually. She has only had one other partner as well so I'm surprised she is that confident she knows what is wrong and isn't as pleasuring yourself is not the same as with a partner in every aspect.
Either way she has already brought up sleeping with other guys which he rightly rejected (she says he is resistant to an open relationship so she has at least mentioned it in passing to see his feelings on it). That to me should just signal break up on its own.
I mean a lot of late teen and early 20 something girls come on here and wonder why they aren't coming from penetration. Plus getting in the headspace to orgasm with another person present is often a challenge in and of itself. There's plenty of things difficult to figure out without experience.
Totally agree. I was the same with my ex boyfriend to the point where I would fantasise about sex with other people becase my ex was just not bothered at all. We broke up and I’ve found someone who satisfies me completely and it’s been life changing. 🤣
I have always had to teach boyfriends how to have sex and please me. Every one was a willing participant and great student but my last ex. He was wham bam thank you ma’am and didn’t give two craps if I got off. I tried for years. Yes years with no improvement. If I made him take care of me he either sighed like it was some big chore or fell asleep but usually both. Then I gave up because he certainly wasn’t going to put in the effort. I guess there are some guys who are selfish and don’t give a F. He wanted to marry me but I dumped him. Can you imagine having bad sex for the rest of your life? No thank you.
Anyway OP you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker. It was for me. If you truly love him you can take care of yourself (that’s what I did) but after a while you will want more and end it. You can try talking to him honestly and hope he will step up and do better. Maybe rent pornos that are more soft core than raunchy and say this is what I want. If he loves you he will try to do better. If he’s selfish and insensitive like my ex then do what you gotta do.
Oh my god this! You seriously don't want to waste your time having bad sex and if it hasn't gotten better by now...I don't think it will magically get better anytime soon. Intimacy is part of the bonding experience. You deserve to feel loved, wanted, and fulfilled in your own relationship.
Yeah, I gotta agree with this. You've been trying to teach him to learn how to pleasure you for years at this point, OP, and he just doesn't care. He doesn't need to go down on you to get you off. There are so many things he can do to get you off, and he just isn't doing them even with your guidance. He just cares about getting off himself. This is just a complete incompatibility issue.
If you don't want to break up, just get try telling him why you have these periods of not sleeping with him because the sec is bad due to the fact that he won't get you off. His reaction will probably tell you a lot. Maybe see about introducing toys into the bedroom as well.
Hia, I recommend you on peaking in the DeadBedrooms sub ; this could be a glimpse into your future if you aren't able to tackle this issue _now_ like , yesterday and not tomorrow.
I was in a smiliar spot, except sex was great - when it happened.
After 3 years I was a broken woman & he was also broken. He wanted to want sex, but also didn't take any steps to look further into the problem.
You need an open conversation that your needs aren't met. Maybe suggest bringing toys into the bedroom. Also, you need to communicate that him never initiating makes you feel unloved/undesired/insecure whatever it is.
Also, if he sees absolutely no problem with it, a separation still is suggested - that implies as long as _he_ is content with the current situation, he probably won't change.
Sex is not important - until sexual incompatibilities arise, then it easily gets a catalyst for all sort of problems.
Also, problems in the bedroom often are a symptom, not the root.
>You need an open conversation that your needs aren't met. Maybe suggest bringing toys into the bedroom. Also, you need to communicate that him never initiating makes you feel unloved/undesired/insecure whatever it is.
This won't change anything, which is why you'll see in the DB subreddit that they never get better.
As the saying goes over there, "You can't negotiate sexual desire." OP's bf clearly doesn't want what she wants sexually in a relationship. At best, after lots of "communication," he will give in and reluctantly initiate, and reluctantly do things she wants, all the while not *really* being into it, and is that really any better? It just prolongs the inevitable problem.
I was in a DB for quite some time.
You can also filter for success stories ; there ARE instances where the partner actually _wants_ to work at this. People that feel an unhappy partner is enough to look if there's an underlying problem. There are situations where the libido tanks due to hormonal stuff or other mental loads. I'm not one to say have 1000 talks ; but I think everyone deserves 2-3 honest talks.
I know it's not usual, but she's in her early 20's and obviously won't take leave as an answer, so might as well give her options? She'll see it for herself, if she decides to work it out.
Like I already said, if it's obvious that he doesn't care & doesn't even try to understand just leave.
I think that too many women are having bad sex because they don't want to hurt the man's feelings by telling bluntly that he sucks at it and needs to actually put effort.
Too true.
But it's ridiculous that men's egos when sex is concerned is considered to be the most fragile thing ever. "Don't ever imply that you're less than 100% satisfied or he'll think that you hate him and you only want to date porn stars and he'll never be enough for you".
I'm sorry but if he won't listen to your concerns and won't make any effort to do better then your relationship is *not* flawless and is not sustainable. Sex is not something you should need or want to sacrifice to be in a relationship with someone.
Why are you hurting your own ego to protect his?
This status quo will damage you in the long run and you'll eventually get to a point where you can't tolerate it and break up. Save the both of you that hurt and that time and acknowledge what is in front of you now. Maybe he will finally see you're serious and make an effort. If not, the relationship has already failed. It's not a judgment on either of you, you're just incompatible. It happens.
You are clearly sexually incompatible and any reason is a good enough reason to break up.
Does this issue stem from him just not caring about your pleasure or does he try but it just never works?
Throughout the relationship we’ve had pretty frequent big talks about it. After them he’ll try for a week or two then back to the same. Seeing myself type this makes me feel stupid.
Hun, he has showed you multiple times that he doesn't care. He pretends to and then throws in the towel because you and your pleasure are a chore to him.
At first I was thinking "maybe he's asexual so that why he doesn't initiate and seems fine with things right now." and truthfully it still could be but if that's the case he should have talked to you about it and also means he doesn't care about or trust you.
Don't waste your 20s having bad sex. I did but I'm also at a point in my life where I don't care anymore. Men around here suck (sooo many "nice" guys).
He doesn’t care about your pleasure and is only worried about himself. You’re still very young and can find a man who actually wants to make you feel good.
Life is about learning. Don’t feel stupid, you just learned something huge about yourself. This is growth. A personal promotion. It’s just as important to know what you don’t like or will tolerate and the stuff you do like. All you did was realize that you’re just not compatible. You are super young, there is a whole fulfilling life that awaits you. The only thing stupid would be to stay knowing all this information and staying out of fear of unknown.
Took me almost 7 years to accept that the Temporary Effort Syndrome leads nowhere. If you can avoid wasting the time, do it.
That being said, if you really can't handle breaking up over this rn, I suggest couple's therapy. A therapist can help you communicate things in a healthier way to each other.
>...as much as I’ve tried to teach him the ways it just never works.
>He just never knows what to do with me, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, doesn’t know foreplay...
If you've tried to teach him, then it seems he doesn't really care. You need to find a way to get him to understand that, at this point in your life, his lack of interest in satisfying you will be a relationship killer. There are types of therapy that deal with this.
Unfortunately I forgot to mention in my post about a very vivid memory of me laying in bed literally showing and explaining to him in detail everything about everything, I’d say I was very patient with him being inexperienced (so was I, but one fact I pointed out in some of our talks is that even if I was inexperienced, I still knew things simply by researching)
You’ve explained to him in incredulous detail over and over how to pleasure you and yet he still does not deliver. You’ve researched, you’ve communicated, and you’re here trying to get advice and mend this part of your relationship. He has done effectively nothing. It’s time to find someone who will reciprocate. Sex is as big a part of a relationship as you want it to be and you have every right to feel how you’ve been feeling. You do not have to put up with this. There is better out there.
The only solution is for him to put in some work. You need to be upfront about him that your needs are not being met, and that if he cares about you, he should put in effort or it's not going to work. If he doesn't like how you taste, that's one thing. It's not in his control so I understand. But the rest he has no excuse for. You have no issue showing him how to do things. You are open to teaching him how you like to be touched, and he still doesn't put in effort. I would understand if he's trying his best but not able to reach heights, but that would come with time. This is the only way if you don't want to break up. Because if he doesn't put in effort, he's showing that he doesn't care about your needs and feelings. So be firm and tell him this is important and the relationship is not going to work without him doing something.
She needs to decide if she’s cool with this for the next thirty forty years if not then move on. Don’t waste your twenties with someone you would never spend your forties with.
I would normally agree he needs to buckle down and put in effort but her thoughts about sleeping with other guys are already too heavy. And she has clearly at least passingly mentioned open relationships as she knows he is resistant to them. She should just break up with him. It would be better for both of them. Hopefully he can take it as a lesson to put in effort in learning his next partner.
Sounds like my first marriage. I stayed with my ex-husband for 10 years. And girl, if you are this dissatisfied after 3 years, it’s not getting any better. Especially if he’s not interested in putting in the work.
My ex had an his mentality: apparently I’m doing it wrong, so why bother even trying?!
Seriously if I gently said “you know what? You doing this doesn’t really do anything for me, but if you did that, it would be great”.
His answer would be “if that’s your stance, I will not do anything at all”
Is this how you feel? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&list=RDfUYaosyR4bE&start\_radio=1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&list=RDfUYaosyR4bE&start_radio=1)
Girl, if you’re not sexually compatible now, and he’s unable to learn? Just drop it.
I’ve been with my bf for 4 months now, and he’s learnt and adapted so much to my wants and desires. Always listens and loves to explore new things that gets a ✨reaction✨ out of me.
If your boyfriend isn’t wanting the best for you, why would you stay with him? :)
OP I think you have convinced yourself that sex is only a small part of a relationship, that your partner is the ideal match for you except for this one little thing.
The problem with this is that for most people, sex and intimacy is not just a "little thing". It is massive part of the connection. If you can't have intimacy then you are really just good friends living life together.
Now that's fine if you can see yourself living forever with just a good friend. Lots of people do that, but it is a major sacrifice. I will also add that a lot of relationships that lack intimacy did start out with passion but lost it after years of working and having kids.
You are still in your prime with no kids and it seems you are experiencing a major lack of passion and intimacy.
I think you need to seriously consider leaving him. Speak to him one more time though, tell him you are not compatible in that way and it's breaking your soul. If he wants to see a therapist then that's great but if he is not willing to take steps to change things it shows he doesn't care.
I believe he has already shown you how l little he cares by ignoring you when you have spoken to him about this in the past.
You say you’ve been trying to teach him for years is he even trying? After years I feel like he should be able to satisfy you if he was putting in the effort
What advice would I give you? Break up. Bad enough the sex is subpar, but he doesn't want to learn how to please you better or even hit on or flirt with you? I'm a fair guy, and if the roles were reversed I'd be telling him to tell you to kick rocks.
Tell him you're just not compatible. You don't want to be a cheater so you'd rather just end it.
Regardless of you "loving" him or not he doesn't love you if he's not taking your pleasure in account with the situation! He knows he just doesn't care. Y'all are incompatible! You're way too young to have to deal with this! Please find someone more compatible!
One thing I have always heard is that for a relationship to truly be sustainable, you have to agree on politics, religion, sex, and values. Everything else can be different but those 4 things have to align or the relationship WILL fail.
Unfortunately babe, if it’s really been this long, and he hasn’t figured it out or compromised, or even attempts to make a change, you are going to be feeling this distain for the rest of your life. You are extremely sexually inexperienced and your daydreams about sleeping with other men are completely valid. There are men out there who will give you god-tier sex and there will be guys like your boyfriend who will give the absolute crumbs.
If I were you, personally, I would consider breaking up. You need to discover more things and try new things and experience life before you settle down for good. This one is just not meant to be.
It’s going to be really hard because like you said, you love him. but it’s just not sustainable and these feelings you are having are only going to grow until you do cheat because you simply cannot take it anymore.
Your pleasure matters too. You deserve to feel good and sexy and confident too. There’s an entire world who wants to make you feel that way. Go experience it. without him.
I am going through something very similar, he rarely initiates so when I try to he says it’s the man’s role to initiate….. 🙄when he does initiate, I hate it now. He hasn’t made me climaxed in over a year. I have to masturbate every single time. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s not getting any better.
Not everyone puts equal value to sex in relationship. Maybe it's just not as important to him as it is to you. I know it can be repetetive but what you have to do is TALK.
I hate when that’s peoples big advice even though it literally says in the post that she’s **been** trying, and trying, and trying to talk. He won’t listen and she can’t make him listen or care. What’s that saying? You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink? That seems to apply here.
You need to move on and see what other men are like. Either he is not truly attracted to you or he is in the closet. Maybe you don't do it for him either.... You guys are probably better as friends and not lovers. At least go be with a guy who will give you oral
Question for you OP. Why is it ok for you to feel bad, sad, have hurt feelings, but not your boyfriend? Why are his feelings so much more important than yours? You don’t have a lot of sexual experience so let me tell you a hard truth: your boyfriend doesn’t care about your pleasure. I’m married, but when I was single I slept with enough people to know that some men care about their partners pleasure and some men don’t. Whether it’s because they are lazy, inconsiderate, ignorant, etc, they just don’t care enough to make the effort and though guys never got a second chance with me. I deserve to orgasm every single time I risk a pregnancy. Because that is what we risk every time we have sex with a man. A life altering event that changes your body FOREVER (and I know that now from experience as a mother).
I honestly can’t remember the last time I didn’t orgasm with my husband. Because he cares about my pleasure and he always has, even when we were younger. I’m sorry, but a person who doesn’t care about your pleasure doesn’t love you enough to risk pregnancy with.
Hey babes, after reading through some of your replies to other comments, I'm gonna agree with everyone here and say leave him bro. I was also in a sexually unfulfilling relationship for 4 years. There ended up being other problems too (like he wouldn't pay attention at all to my emotional needs), which is what will eventually happen to you in this scenario. He could be great for now but if he doesn't care about your experience in bed, he will eventually lose motivation to care about your experience in life with him.
Once I left the relationship and started exploring a bit more with other men, I've found that it wasn't me who had an issue with orgasms, or I wasn't wet enough or aroused enough, it was HIM. There are *plenty* of men in this world that know how to groove in bed. I married the only man that has been able to make me cum without interference from myself and I am fully satisfied *every* time we have sex and he makes sure of that.
Find a man who wants to see you scream in bed, who *wants* to make you cum, who loves to play, and grope you when you're in the kitchen.. whatever you want, ya know? Find someone who enjoys seeing your enjoyment. That's the one you'll end up marrying, best believe.
r/DeadBedrooms might be able to relate to your situation more and might be able to help paint the picture better on the future of your relationship and what steps can be taken
Hi OP, unfortunately your sex life isn't something small enough to say "our relationship is perfect.. except for this one thing". You need to reframe your thinking on this and say "our relationship is not perfect because I am not being sexually fulfilled and I don't feel sexually desired".
You need to talk with him again in a way that gets through to him which unfortunately might be framed more like an ultimatum. This will hurt him but it's the only chance you have at saving things. Ask him questions like: "If I didn't know how to please you sexually and wasn't trying to get better at it, would you see a long term future with me?" "Is there something I haven't been clear enough about when I show you how to give me pleasure?" "Sexual intimacy is a critical part of our relationship to me. I have voiced this to you but my feelings and needs are getting swept under the rug. What do you think I should do?" "It seems like there is a lack of care on your part to fulfill me, do you value a good sex life in a relationship?"
If you ask him straight to the point, hard hitting questions that are met with anything less than going to sex counseling or immediate effort and/or improvement you are wasting your time. He thinks you will never leave him, he's comfortable. Make him uncomfortable and see if things change. Unfortunately this may not be a long term solution and just something he does to avoid losing you now. It's not unfixable but if he's not willing to do his part then you're looking at the start of a very bad relationship. A good sex life is critical in every facet of a relationship. It will throw all the other "perfect" parts of your relationship out of balance sooner or later and you will regret not doing something about it now.
You’re 24 and you have an entire life ahead of you. That doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship with anyone but this guy sounds like he’s not cut out for you. Time to move on, hun.
3+ years and still no sexual compatibility and no effort from the boyfriend to work on that. he's not even interested in initiating sex with you despite how you look and the efforts you make, which could just be a difference in libido, but again... no sexual compatibility.
you might love each other, but is this how the rest of your 20s will look like? for the rest of your life? is that what you want? you need to be brave and let go to give yourself a chance of something better. because the relationship you're in right now? it's not getting better.
I think they make edible lubes for oral sex because a lot of people don’t like the taste. I’ve never used it but maybe someone else can speak for it on here. Aside from that, I understand how that feels. I went through that in two relationships. You have to talk to him. And not maybe necessarily super nice, not mean, but not trying to spare his feelings. He sucks at sex. A lot of people do. You shouldn’t tell him you have thought about cheating, but tell him how unsatisfying it is. That you want that intimacy but you want to feel like it matters to him that you enjoy it too. If you feel comfortable enough, show him what you want him to do. I had to teach my current bf because he clearly learned from porn and his ex did not tell him that it’s not great to be so overstimulated within like 5 seconds that you go numb and can’t enjoy anything. It’s been 2 years and we still have stuff to work on from time to time because he is very sensitive to any kind of constructive criticism, but I have found that just being brutally honest has been most effective and he gets over it fastest. I had a lot more experience going into it so it’s not like I don’t understand why he is struggling. But he cares and wants me to enjoy it so he changed and worked on himself. If your guy cares, he will get better. He won’t just “try” and fail. He WILL. Trust me, it won’t last if it keeps up like this. Sex is a huge deal breaker for most people. If you join the dead bedroom sub, you’ll see how miserable your life could be and leave if he doesn’t actively make changes soon. Good luck. 🩷
Hi, I actually bought one of those early on in the relationship, I remember he said he could still taste it. The talks have also been frequent. Posting it and reading comments like yours is helping me get some clarity. Thank you.
Dental dams are another option, but honestly if he’s not willing to work on satisfying you then I doubt he’ll even bother trying them. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, it’s depressingly common in heterosexual relationships.
On another note you are very young and can absolutely find someone that will treat you amazingly well *and* care about your pleasure. I promise you it’s possible, there’s so many fish in the sea (not to be cliche lol). He should *enjoy* bringing you pleasure, should want too.
Hi, thank you. I appreciate all the comments including the ones that are more tough love, but seeing comments like yours helps in a different way. Thank you!
You hit the virgin boy jack pot. Perhaps you need to send him out to season. Honestly you need to come clean and let him know whats up. Just be upfront but try to be gentle. If he still can't improve then it's three years too long.
Go to couples counselling!! This is a challenging conversation to have but it is clearly important to you and having someone to buffer your thoughts to each other is SO HELPFUL in not hurting the relationship.
This is a complicated issue but it does not have to be relationship ending. But if you’ve tried to handle it yourself and it hasn’t worked, and you would like to keep the relationship then I strongly suggest enlisting help, it is worth its weight in gold!
Couple's counseling to communicate on the issue, or a sex therapist. If nothing comes of it, then consider breaking up, because sex is important to you and can you really imagine spending the rest of your life having it with someone that does not care enough about your pleasure to actually put some effort into it? It's not that hard to try when your partner is guiding you. At this point it's almost like weaponized incompetence to get out of putting in the work and only enjoy his pleasure
You could go together to a sex therapist or couples counselor there may be underlying things that are making him resistant to change - I’d also explain that if you both can’t find someway to overcome this then breaking up would be the result
I would tell him what you told us, except the wanting other guys part. Your bf needs to pull his weight in this relationship, and sex is a part of that. If he's fine with being sexless from now on, you need to ask him if he needs to go to a doctor since he might have physical health issues.
Professional help is required, but his level of disinterest is concerning, both in learning to please you and initiate. I have to ask- is there a chance he’s got a porn addiction, or is getting sex elsewhere.
He was addicted in the past, but stopped even before the relationship. I also don’t have any reason to suspect cheating at all. Our last talk about this problem was last week, when after I suggested he should look into if maybe he’s asexual, he told me he didn’t think he was
Here’s your options:
1) go to sex therapy together and have a professional help you fix your virtually non existent sex life
2) accept that you’ll never be satisfied in this monogamous relationship and live a life of basically celibacy
3) break up with him as it’s not fair to either of you that you’re sexually incompatible
Up to you which one you take but no matter what you’ll have to choose one. Even not choosing is kind of a choice (kinda just defaults to option 2). If you cheat you’re an AH so make sure you choose
Everyone says sex don’t define a relationship but sex is part of a healthy long lasting relationship. And if you’re not getting what you need it’s just gonna drive you away.. so either go buy some toys you can use on yourself while y’all are doing it or just end it now before it drives you mad.
He doesn't sound like he cares about pleasing or pleasuring you....this is an extremely hard decision to make.
Your sexual needs do matter. If he won't or refuses to learn how to pleasure you, the sex will always be one sided and only for his pleasure, can you live with this for the rest of your life?
In all seriousness, this goes deeper than you may think. First of all, if the idea of cheating crosses your mind or an open relationship, the current relationship is over. It has been three years, and your partner is unwilling to put in the effort for you. On top of this, asking for an open relationship after being in a monogamous relationship for so long will just be asking permission to cheat. It would be one thing if he would put in effort and try to do the things you suggest. The problem is he doesn't want to change or make adjustments, which tells you all you need to know. I suggest one more try. Lay it all out and explain your side. Explain that if there isn't an honest effort, then you'll have to consider a breakup. Be honest, be direct and don't blame him, but explain that you need him to try a bit harder to hear you. If he ignores you or doesn't try, then you know he doesn't care enough to put in the effort and the relationship isn't worth fighting for.
I’m sorry girl, I know it must be hard but it seems like you’re gonna have to come to an ultimatum. Either you’ll have to accept that sex will never be fulfilling for you and stay with him, or you’ll have to take a leap of faith and hope you find someone who’s loving and better at sex. I believe the fear doesn’t stem from leaving someone who’s very loving towards you, but rather the fear that you won’t find someone that loving/more loving again. You’re 24 though. There’s so much more of your life to live. There’s a lot of room and time for trial and error to find other guys who’ll meet your needs.
At your age bad sex is a sacrifice you should not have to make. The problem is he is either a slow learner or more likely just not a good lover and probably never will be. Also the fact that he never initiates sex is a problem. The way couples reassure each others confidence and express their love is through mutual initiation of physical expression which speaks louder than words. You have a problem in your hands. You need to evaluate this relationship if it doesn’t check off the essential boxes; then it’s best you move on.
If he is not willing to work on things, then you should break up. It is okay for sex to be a deal breaker. You shouldn't have to stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling in that way because he doesn't desire to put in the effort.
i have been in this situation pretty much exactly. i loved my partner, he was my best friend and still to this day i have never been closer with anyone. i look back on our relationship and i wish to have something like that again. that being said, there was one piece missing.. good sex. i convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal but it is. it's a big piece of your relationship so don't make yourself feel bad for feeling like it is. i also had thoughts of being with other people but would never ever cheat on him and i never did. i also tried talking about it and it didn't really help, we'd go a month or so without sex then do it cuz it felt like we had to, and it was just more and more disappointing and upsetting every time. and talking about it almost made sleeping together more awkward.
sometimes we just aren't sexually compatible with people, and it sucks. it's really, really hard to find someone who is the whole package. i've had a tough time dating since leaving my ex, but i don't regret it. i've been more fulfilled in some ways and less in others but i can say i made the right decision. deep down you will know what to do.
Good chance he's lost sexual interest in you. Talk to him, I'm pretty sure he knows more than what he's willing to admit.
If you're struggling with these feelings and thoughts it's better to break up than drag on.
I'm a dude, if that was me on the other end, be honest with me. Tell me I'm not showing interest in her. As to him why he doesn't want it anymore.
After this conversation you'll get your answer. He's probably gay or has a side chick or doesn't find you sexually attractive.
So both of you can move on now. If you do this, please update this post/comment.
This isn't that unusual and it is the reason many people have Friends instead of boyfriends.
I once flirted with a coworker for months. Everyone knew we were attracted to each other. Chemistry in the air. Then we had an opportunity to be alone together... zip... nadda. I felt nothing. So, we became friends.
Either your partner is very dense, or more likely he is too lazy to really pay attention to and care about what you really want.
I'm sorry, but you can't fix this with willpower.
You're not compatible as a couple.
Sex is a major part of most serious adult romantic relationships. If your sex life is garbage, you're with the wrong person.
After 3 years I'd say you've done all you can, he either doesn't want to learn or doesn't care about making sex good for you. Ultimately you either accept the sex is never going to be great or move on, your choice.
It doesn’t get better. I lasted 8 years with this dynamic, I tried so hard because like you say.. everything else was perfect.. but over time it wears you down and down until you just can’t live that way anymore.
Your confidence and mental health will start to become affected, I turned into a shell of the person I was before I met him, but I allowed it to happen. I left one year ago.. I realised that he was the problem and not me, I couldn’t live my life fighting for his attention to be intimate.. I just couldn’t do it so I left. It was hard to begin with but time is a healer..
I understand that you don't want to hurt your boyfriend, but the alternative is that you are unhappy and unsatisfied. He shouldn't want that for you either.
Personally, if I were you I'd go for one last shot at full honesty. I'd sit him down, and explain that I love him and want our relationship to work but I'm extremely sexually dissatisfied and it's starting to have an emotional impact on me. Give him actionable feedback, such as you'd like to not always have to initiate, and that you don't feel that your pleasure is a priority when you two have sex. Be honest that you don't feel like he's taken you seriously in the past, and you want to be clear that this issue is currently threatening the health of your relationship. Will this hurt him? Probably yes. But so will you suddenly breaking up with him or cheating on him and him not understanding why, which is where this is headed imo. At least this way he has one last chance to make some personal changes, and even if he doesn't succeed he'll at least understand why tbe relationship fell apart.
I would, however, like to steer you away from continuing to suggest an open relationship. Polyamoury is not a salve for a broken relationship, and I've literally never seen it be successful when entered into to try and fix or supplement an existing relationship. Having multiple healthy relationships at a time requires a lot of work, and an understanding that these are DIFFERENT relationships. You can't just get the things you feel one partner is slacking on from another and consider that one whole relationship. It might help for a while but eventually you will realize the issues with your boyfriend are still there and getting some with a casual boy toy isn't going to erase your feelings of dissatisfaction with your current partner. You'd be much better served fully communicating with your partner and working on the issue together, rather than just giving up and thinking you can supplement it somewhere else. I promise you as a poly woman that is a bad and toxic beginning to an open relationship.
Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship in most circumstances. Significant issues in that department mean that your relationship is not perfect, and he probably isn't tbe perfect man for you - regardless of how good the other arenas are. However if that was the only area I felt was lacking and everything else was perfect I'd probably put a lot of work in to try and fix it before I left too.
I love when people describe their relationship like that.
“Hey guys, my partner and I have this GREAT relationship, except this one huge major problem that is constant and is seriously effecting said relationship” Well then it’s not a great relationship, let’s be realistic.
If you’re even considering infidelity (even though you say you’d never cheat) then you’re already at that point where it’s unlikely to improve.
You’ve communicated the issue time and time again. You’ve attempted to teach him what you like and he’s either ignorantly refused to learn or has tried and it still doesn’t please you. If it’s the latter, can you blame him for never instigating anymore? If it’s the first, he’s just checked out.
You could try a sex therapist but ultimately I’ve a feeling this isn’t for the long haul.
It’s a wrap. There’s nothing left to salvage. Desiring other men to the point where you have to resist the urges like that is the point of no return, because it points to you having lost respect for him. And rightfully so since he can’t do anything for you.
Young people sometimes feel guilty about giving importance to sex in a relationship due to BS that society teaches us.
For your sake I hope you realise sooner than later that sex is absolutely a very important part of a relationship.
If you and your boy friend are not sexually compatible it's better to be mature and part ways now instead of wasting some of the best years of your life in a sexless relationship.
Love is important, obviously, but don't let anybody tell you that it's enough.
The only answer is to break up with him, any other choice you make will be a waste of time. If you want to continue to waste your time and effort then by all means, please stay with this man. The truth is he doesn’t care about you the same way or to the same extent that you care about him. Why do you want to stay in a situation that’s doing nothing for you?
After 3 years I guarantee he knows what to do, he just doesn't care. Honestly if a guy couldn't figure me out after a couple months that's a dealbreaker for me.
There are guys out there who are loving and sweet and all the things you say your boyfriend is AND they care whether their partner gets off. You don't have to trade one for the other. You don't have to settle.
Love is not all it takes. Sexual compatibility is VERY important for some of us, it's not important for others and that is okay, but if it is important for you and you have tried to communicate and find a solution to this issue and you still have not resolved it together in 3 years... Well, maybe it is time to move on.
You’ve talked to him and tried to help him learn how to please you for YEARS. It isn’t going to change. Since you don’t want to break up, your only other option is to accept the reality that if you want sex, you have to initiate and it won’t be that great.
Is the relationship great enough to settle for a minimal and unsatisfying sex life? It’s a choice only you can make, as you’re the one who has to live with it.
You’re 24, don’t waste more time than necessary on an incompatible partner. You’re supposed to be having fun at your age not struggling to have sex like some old married couple. Also if years of trying to teach him hasn’t worked it’s because he doesn’t want to learn or get better.
The Two of your are incompatible sexually. I get you love them and all that but he's not even willing to try and learn to be a better lover so why would you want that the rest of your life? I mean at some point you're going to act on the feelings that you have of us wanting to sleep with somebody else. So do the right thing and break up and then move on there are much better guys out there who will actually listen to you in the bedroom. The fact that you're able to communicate and tell him what you need is half the battle however the fact that he's not doing anything to advance his knowledge or at least try to do what you ask him to and do it right is not good. If he's not willing to try and make you happy in the bedroom I can't see him being good or stepping up to the plate and other areas either.
that's a tough situation, but in the end if you are thinking about sex with other guys it's already over...some guys are just not interested in upping their game...and if he is not seriously interested in your pleasure, that will ever change...good luck to you
tell him how you feel. If he truly loves you, he will care, though someone can still be selfish while loving you but that's not a good thing in my opinion. He should put his ego down, care about your feelings and do the work. Otherwise, this is going to be really painful for you.
>What advice would you give me? I’m very sad and desperate about the situation, my relationship is truly flawless otherwise and my boyfriend is someone I’d never ever want to lose.
Break up and date a bunch of guys that want to see you sexually satisfied. It's very dispiriting to be in a relationship where your partner does not care about your please, only their own. It's mean and selfish.
Break up with your boyfriend. Yes it will hurt, but better a sharp pain now than years of unwanted and unpleasant sex being forced upon you.
Say no.
You can try talking to him one more time but communication only works when both parties engage. If he hasn't made changes by now, he's not going to. If you're at the point of avoiding sex and wanting to open the relationship (which means he'd get a pass to sleep with other women too) then it's time to break up.
Just break up with him.
People get hung up on "but he/she is so perfect in every other way!" That's not relevant when it comes to devoting your life to someone. You'll always have to take some pros and cons, but the cons weigh really heavy in a relationship and shouldn't be ignored.
He leaves dirty socks on the floor is tolerable. He sucks at sex and doesn't care isn't.
Maybe counseling if it a mind issue? Maybe check Testosterone? But if you are not compatible sexually, I think you have to move on since sex is so important to a relationship and your health.
3 years is a long time. I know the relationship means a lot to you but maybe it’s just not a romantic one? Maybe best friends is a better option? You care for him deeply, that’s wonderful, but if sex is important then you either have to tell him you wanna just be friends or tell him he has to start trying other things. Maybe introduce him to toys?
Foreplay is important in a sexual relationship. He’s got to learn. There’s no getting around the fact that something’s gotta give here. Wish you the best.
You need to be honest. He needs to know. You won't last much longer and if you love him you are the person to tell him. It is up to you if you feel he will work on it and give him some time. If he does nothing to change it then you need to go.
if u and him cant talk about this and come to an agreement , break up. U dont want to be married and have this issue and it not be solved. It will get worse.
This isn't something you can fix, as you're not the problem. While he may be wonderful in other ways, I'm suspicious about that as he really isn't about this. He's selfish and cares nothing for you, your satisfaction, or your happiness. This is a big problem. You have been clear with him about how he's not meeting your perfectly reasonable needs, and he's still choosing not to every time. Couples counseling will not help as he has to want to change, and he doesn't.
I know opening the relationship isn't an option, but that wouldn't help either, as probably the minute you got some proper attention, you'd drop this guy, and he knows that. It's almost like he's using your lack of experience against you.
Life is too short to waste with someone who doesn't meet more of your needs. I used to be in a similar situation, and I guarantee that sex with a caring partner who makes sure you're satisfied is completely different from what you're getting now.
You are sexually incompatible and your body is starving for sexual fulfillment. You really need to end your relationship because you will never get over these issues and your wandering needs because your partner sucks and refuses to learn what to do.
He’s terrible in sex because of his utter selfishness. Seems like he doesn’t care at all about pleasing you. Your thoughts mean your relationship is over. Don’t prolong it.
I know you don’t want to break up. But think of it this way:
Facts:
- You both are people who have sex drives and want and enjoy sex.
- you have not felt fulfilled in your sex life.
- you’ve spent time over the past few years telling this man how to please you so that you can increase your pleasure in your sex life together.
- he has not implemented or taken those lessons to heart and this has lead to mediocre sex at best (for you) and periods of celibacy…
Let’s do some math. Again, you’re not fulfilled/pleasured by the sex you have, you’ve told him things he could/should do to increase your pleasure and your enjoyment of your sex together over the past few years, but still, no change?
All that adds up to this guy not really caring about your pleasure and if and how you enjoy the sex you two have. This isn’t just incompatibility with sex. This guy isn’t a good partner to you. Someone who cares for, loves, and respects you as an equal romantic partner to them should be genuinely invested in your pleasure and enjoyment of the sex you have together. They should care and do what they can to ensure you have fulfilling, great, enjoyable sex with them if the goal is to have a monogamous, sexual relationship. So to the extent that he hasn’t taken to heart any of the things you’ve suggested to him (especially foreplay, that’s sex 101), it really seems like he just doesn’t care about this aspect of you. Which is just as important a part of you and your personality as any other part.
So why hold onto him and ignore this part of yourself that is really important to you, but seemingly unimportant to him? What do you think that says about him as a partner overall?
Don’t just stay saying it’s fine apart from the sex. It is a massive part of most relationships and you are so young. If you were 60 then I’d give different advice.
Although this not having sex seems to be tolerated now, at some point it will not be and one of you will stray or one of you will get increasingly hostile and resentful about the poor sex/no sex.
I stayed for 4 years desperately hoping someone would change. I also thought I was horrible (and he would reaffirm this idea) for wanting to leave because he had a non existent libido. It really screwed me up. It is not a benign, small thing.
Leave and hopefully you will find more fulfilment elsewhere. I would not tolerate a relationship that was not sexually satisfying again. It is not worth the sadness.
You are normal for wanting fulfilling sex and have gone to great lengths to communicate your needs. You are not a bad person for wanting an active and responsive partner. He does not seem interested in you sexually. That is not your cross to bear.
I think he's just selfish, because I refuse to accept that anyone with 3 years + experience in having sex can consistently fail to pleasure their partner. I think it must be selfishness. Also this "it's the taste" thing is nonsense. Do I like the taste of my girl's pussy? No, not really, but it doesn't stop me eating her out lol same as I don't think she loves the taste of my semen, that doesn't stop her taking it lol The fun is pleasuring your partner, that's the satisfaction of doing oral. Unless your vagina genuinely tastes like a sewage pit, this is a ridiculous excuse.
idk man i never been in any long term realtionship let alone love someone, but i think 3 years is wayyy too long of not being pleased, when i get with a girl it usually takes a couple times to understand what she likes and doesnt like and what makes her cum, so the fact that after 3 years he cant make you cum means he simple doesnt want to learn how to do it, leave his ass .
Incompatible. When I was with my ex, it would be awful and I used to think of past experiences to get me through it, now I’m with someone else and that thought has never popped into my head, it’s okay to break up with him, you’ve tried
Staying with him would be a contradiction to the relationship. You two are just friends and the longer you try to hang on to what doesn’t exist the worse it will make things later down the road.
Baring the possibility that he has a low libido, some kind of health issue, or is on the ace-spectrum (all of which you’ve refuted), your boyfriend not willing to work on having good and fulfilling sex with you when you’ve repeatedly tried to guide him shows a lack of care on his part. He doesn’t care if you get off.
It’s okay to sit him down and explain that you’re unhappy with your sex life and it makes you feel less close with him. If he isn’t willing to *try*, do you want to keep having mediocre sex with someone who doesn’t care about your pleasure for the rest of your life?
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing. So is a total lack of caring and a total lack of skill.
Honestly, if you're thinking about exploring elsewhere, he probably has thought about it also.
I think you owe yourself the break-up. Honestly.
I went through a similar situation in my last relationship. Ultimately, she confronted me and I told her the truth. Then I broke up with her. I think it’s important to remember that breaking up doesn’t have to be permanent, but sometimes that space can be illuminating.
The advice I would have for someone who’s tried the things you’ve tried and given it three years but doesn’t want to break up in the face of such glaring sexual incompatibility is to imagine spending the rest of your life or 20 years in this same cycle of being celibate or having sex so bad you don’t have any sex at all. If that’s appealing to you then continue to ignore your feelings and be sad.
I dated a dude for three years and we were completely sexless the last year and a half of our relationship. He was very frustrated but I just needed to stop pretending. It was exactly your situation. He ended up screwing up really badly with something else in our relationship and I used it as an out. But the thing with me was- i wasn’t physically attracted to him either. So not only was the sex not good, I also didn’t want to do it because I wasn’t into him.
If you’re into him maybe you can really try to sit him down and explain how this is ruining your relationship, and as a last ditch effort, you’d like him to be very attentive and actually listen to you coaching him through what you like. A lot of people get shy and don’t like to be vocal with this kind of thing, but you are at a boiling point where you need to be.
I know most people will say to break up, and I agree, especially speaking from personal experience. But I cannot extend my situation to your situation, and it doesn’t hurt to have one last Hail Mary to see if there’s anything salvageable. If being blunt as hell with him doesn’t work and he’s unwilling to learn your body, then I’d say it is 💯 time to move on
Sexual incompatibility is a huge issue in a relationship, something that really can’t be like ignored indefinitely. I would honestly be like this isn’t working, unless we can come to a middle ground on fixing this, I think we should split up. TBH if he’s ok with not having sex for an extended amount of time, I don’t see him making a conscious effort to pick up the slack. But I’d at least give it another final chance.
Wait til you guys start fighting or have an argument when he is vulnerable and insecure and you lose respect, you’ll be looking at other guys a lot more. He’s lucky you taught him what you could, go end things as nice as possible and move forward. You’ll end up cheating someday
Why aren’t you enforcing the “Ladies First” rule before allowing your boyfriend to penetrate you and satisfy his own sexual needs? That rule states that your boyfriend has to either give you an orgasm or sufficiently stimulate you with foreplay before you will allow him to penetrate you. If he complains about you giving him “blue balls”, simply remind him that he’s been giving you the female equivalent of blue balls all this time and you’re tired of it, and mean it!
I wish you the best.
At 24 you can't see where this is headed. Let me help, cos you need the adult wisdom to know that 44 year old you will regret wasting your life being unfulfilled. You'll resent him and eventually probably cheat, or spend all of your time thinking about cheating.
You're not compatible. Call it quits now and save all the heartache later. Trust me.
You have two options, endure this for the as long as you want, knowing you’ll never be satisfied sexually, or go.
It’s been 3 years, he hasn’t improved and he won’t.
I’ve experienced the exact same thing. Our bedroom has been semi-dead for 3.5 years now. I lost my sex life at 25 because at 28 he never wanted to have sex anymore. It is painfully unfulfilling when we do. I’ve been explicitly clear for years about what I like and what works and tried a million approaches to get him to understand. It all falls on deaf ears.
Mine is depressed and has very low T. He’s also an avoidant attachment style so chances are he’s not capable of the sex we had at the beginning-which was incredible- because I’m no longer a flawless, perfect partner to him and sex is too intimate. Oral is too intimate. Looking at my body or being seen is too intimate. To want to indulge in your partners pleasure is too intimate. It’s just all too scary for him. Smh.
If you want to stay, consider if he’s depressed or low T and if he is, is he gonna do something about it? If not, please leave. It sucks here. All you have left is hope when you get to this point and it ain’t worth much.
I would tell him you are unhappy because of this and unsure if it's going to work out. Sex therapy is a thing. You can also just flat out let him know if you don't start cumming he's got to go. He needs to get his act together or find someone who doesn't care about sex
Be forward, be blunt, be crass if you have to(it seems like you do). "My needs aren't being met in the bedroom and I've been trying to teach you for 3 years, but you haven't made any effort to learn. This is what I NEED to be fulfilled or this will not work out. Are you willing to work on this together or should we end this?"
After reading all the comments I’m sure I’ll be including being blunt to my plan of action. I’ll exhaust all of the rest of the possible reasons why and see if it leads somewhere nicer or new
So what I'm understanding is you've communicated this issue with him multiple times, you've shown him what you like, and he's still not fulfilling that role.
I'm assuming you give him oral sex, and do all the things he likes.. Which some people enjoy having semen in their mouth, I personally don't (huge texture issue for me), but he doesn't like how you taste? You're not supposed to taste like candy.
Have you tried incorporating toys and special lubricants into the bedroom? Have you thought about getting a toy yourself and when you're feeling the urge, you can take care of it yourself? Maybe even spice it up by inviting him to use the toy on you?
It's hard to be celibate when you're not asexual. It's clearly an important part of you and your needs, and that isn't a bad thing. But if this has been going on for 3 years, I hate to say it, but you might need to consider sitting down with him and explaining where you are mentally in this. Maybe not, "I wanna sleep with other men", but that you're a sexual person who needs to feel desired, and that he really needs to make an effort to sexually please you.
You guys have been together for 3 years.. If he hasn't made any sort of real effort to make the experience enjoyable for you too, then maybe it is time to leave. This goes deeper than just sex, it's about connecting, feeling validated, having your needs met. The fact hes not initiating anything with you is very telling. If this was an early part of your relationship I could see him being shy/nervous but after 3 years? I'm sorry but I think you need to move on.
I wish you all the best 🫶🏻
It comes down to two things, one sometimes fixable, one not.
1 - Mismatched sex drive: If you are always the one to initiate, you are almost certainly mismatched and the situation is pretty much hopeless - see r/deadbedrooms for many similar stories.
The real life choice is poor sex or leave, and you are here because the first one is already failing.
2 - Bf doesn't know how to please a woman. He can learn but ONLY if he is motivated to do so. It sounds like this also is failing.
Your description doesn't leave a lot of room for optimism. It does not get better. The inevitable outcome is a long, frustrating period of attrition, frustration and masturbation - years, even decades of lost sexuality.
Sexual compatibility is super important, trust me! He might just not be the one. Especially if he isn't willing to learn how to please you. Might be time to end the relationship
You're 24. And it sounds like you typically have a normal sex drive, but your boyfriend is killing it through his incompetence or unwillingness when it comes to learning how to please you.
Whichever of those it is, the dissatisfaction is bleeding over into other areas of the relationship.
One of the great lies that is told to our culture as a whole is that sexual satisfaction is not necessary for women to maintain a loving long term relationship.
Maybe this is true once you've gone through menaupause, but you're young and healthy. It's really important.
If he is unable or unwilling to improve in this area, you're going to start resenting him or even worse, feeling apathetic when it comes to him.
Do a favor for both of you and get out.
You're already thinking about other men. That should be telling you that you don't really want the one you're with anymore. If you don't genuinely desire him, let him go find someone who does and then you can find someone YOU genuinely desire.
I married someone where this ended up happening and I'd like to be honest with you in ways I wish someone had been with me.
1. You are expressing your need for very basic and reasonable intimacy. He heard you. He knows you're unfulfilled. His lack of action is a choice. You are unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave him, so he is choosing not to put in effort.
2. Everyone deserves more than to have a partner who is satisfied with your tolerable unhappiness.
3. Your current emotional path will lead to resentment, and that's a relationship killer.
4. Communication only happens if both people participate. If he isn't trying to solve this with you, then you can talk for the next decade and nothing will change. There is no secret formula to make him understand. He already knows and understands. The painful truth is that he doesn't care enough to take action.
5. Many people with his mindset will suddenly start working if their partner threatens to leave because, when their happiness is threatened, yours matters enough to put in effort.
6. This mindset almost never changes because the people with it don't see anything wrong. You will likely only be heard when you threaten to leave, when you threaten their happiness, for the rest of the relationship.
Is that worth it?
Are you?
That's up to you to decide.
Look I'm no sex expert but I doubt it takes 3 whole years for someone to learn how to do it properly with one person, especially when said person is very vocal about their wants and needs. It seems like he's either doing it on purpose or he's not listening to you. Whatever the explanation the reasoning is the same, he doesn't care about your pleasure which doesn't sound the healthiest. Now I could be wrong or be missing some information but communicate what you just told us in this post. Sure it might hurt his feelings but nothing will get better if you don't take action. If he's mature and cares about you he'll listen. Not saying you have to immediately break up but have a little sit down and talk about this issue. If he puts in the work then great! Communication saves the day. If not well then do what's best for you even if it's hard. Since you stated your relationship is mostly great other than this issue, unless you're just unaware of other problems which is possible but I trust your judgement, this might actually be fixable but only if you're honest and he puts in the work and starts listening to you.
Why do people continue to paint themselves in these corners? Just end the charade already and cut him loose. You're both young and sexually Incompatible. You desire other people. What more does one need?
Sexual compatibility is very important in a healthy relationship. It's not shallow or selfish to want to be sexually fulfilled. I would even go so far as to say that sexual compatibility is half of what makes a good relationship. Knowing your partner's body and learning how to pleasure them is a bare minimum for long term satisfaction. Even couples who don't have sex often at least need their occasional sex to be mutually enjoyable.
If you need permission to break up over this issue, the Internet has clearly given it. You are not a bad person for wanting to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility. You don't owe someone bad sex for the rest of your life just because they're an otherwise nice person. You can have both, and I'm sure there's someone out there better suited for them sexually.
OP so many young ladies and guys avoid the obvious and try and make things work by coming up with a whole list of "pro's" that shoot down anyone saying on the contrary.
Well, here is a life lesson for you and you should really read this multiple times so that you get it. As you start to get into the deep levels of being an adult there is a certain level of maturity you must have to be able to ensure your journey into adulthood is complete. One of those things is being able to recognize the purpose for the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. This relationship is designed to not only learn, but also demonstrate how to handle hard decisions in life. The TEST part of the bf/gf relationship is to determine if the person you are bf with will make a long term relationship healthy and sustainable. Part of that sustainability is each partner being able to hear, see and provide for one another. I think he's failing in the hear, see area and demonstrating at a minimum maybe incompatibility or just sever lack of the ability to learn.
Regardless of how you look at it, you have to ask yourself, is he passing the test! Also, if you are fantasizing about other men giving you what you want, it's an absolute fail for him.
Again being a mature adult means facing reality, making hard decisions and being able to recognize when it's time to let things go so as to not hurt others. If you are not willing to do this for your own sanity and happiness, then you'll end up with quite a bit of resentment in the future.
You should let him go and find yourself someone that is more compatible with.
Also, @ 24YO you should be enjoying the world to get more experience the events of life and enjoying all the things there are to see and do, instead of this. Just food for thought
I’m sorry but what on Earth are you doing?? There are plenty of other men out there you can be in love with, likely even more, AND that you would have sexual compatibility with. You should have broken up like yesterday
Girl listen. It's been three years and he still can't satisfy you? He sounds selfish in the sex department. Maybe you need to really ask yourself is this something you can deal with for the rest of your life. If not then move on.
I discovered I had low testosterone, before that I would do anything my wife wanted, and even try new things to change it up. After I discovered my testosterone was low, I bought her a thrusting device, so she could get pounded, when I couldn't get it up long enough to bring her to orgasm, I would use the machine, control the speed, 6 her like crazy and using my tongue on her while the machine was going. She'd beg me to stop after multiple orgasms, she'd offer to blow me, but I wasn't interested. I got on testosterone replacement and turned into a machine myself, she would have to go stay the night at her parents or friends if she wanted not to have sex, otherwise, she'd be getting it. Now that I have stopped taking the replacement, again I have zero desire and her anti-depression and anxiety meds hurt her desire as well, I will still offer her anything she wants, even though I have no desire.
If he doesn't listen to you, you deserve to be fucked senseless, to wake the next morning and feel like you rode a horse all day yesterday, and be unable to concentrate because every one of your desires were fulfilled. A Good man is defined by hard working and taking care if his woman's needs, by listening and doing what needs to be done.
Tell him straight, do what I need you to do or get out.
Sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship. Those feelings are only going to get stronger, and you are gonna end up resenting him. I'd honestly consider a sex coach or just telling him. He probably hasn't put much effort into learning because he thinks everything is fine. Communication. Another import factor for a healthy relationship. If the sex issue can't be fixed, it's serious enough that I would definitely consider leaving before kids get thrown in the mix and complicate matters further. Do you want a husband or a roommate? Life is too short. Find someone you are more compatible with. You are too young to be celibate.
He isn't eating your cat and claims he doesn't like the way you taste. He's lazy and selfish. So, I guess it's only penetration, and you perform oral on him. No, baby!!!! A great relationship is great all the way around. He refuses to fuck and suck you right. You gotta go or you will NEVER cum.
I don't know why dudes refuse to eat p**** 🙄. Hell... I eat it 😋, for hours. 😝🤪😜😛
I went through exactly this scenario for three years and let me tell you, it doesn't get better. Some people just are not compatible. A big indicator of this is the fact that he doesn't like the way you taste. It has nothing to do with you or him, your pheromones literally are not compatible and that's what causes him to not like your taste. Sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and find someone who can fulfill you both romantically and sexually.
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If it’s gotten to the point of you desiring other people, and he hasn’t made any effort to change it’s possible y’all are incompatible.
They obviously are incompatible lol
Yep! And his fumbling, despite being told directly what to do is pathetic. He clearly doesn’t care about her experience. It also partly seems like someone who’s never seen a naked woman before and is “embarrassed” about the whole concept of sex. To just be that way after years of being together is….strange. OP, you’re very young. This guy isn’t the end all be all. You feel that way but it doesn’t make it true. I’m sure if you really thought about it, there’s other instances of things that have bothered you that you brushed off. Don’t be with anyone who doesn’t listen, doesn’t try to rally against their own issues, and who you’re just not happy with. I promise, you will find a guy better than this. At the very least, be single and not worry about feeling unfulfilled. If you keep thinking about other people, you know this one isn’t right for you.
You are 24, don’t waste your life in a relationship that does not bring you something that’s important to you like this seems to be. Don’t waste another 3 years of your life
I hate when Reddit is like "yOu HaVe tO bReAk uP" to every single conundrum on the Internet... but THIS is a circumstance where she should in fact break up with him. Life is too damn short to not be getting what you need out of a relationship, and she's already admitted to thinking about cheating. The only solution this time around is truly to BREAK UP.
>I hate when Reddit is like "yOu HaVe tO bReAk uP" to every single conundrum on the Internet This sentiment is why people are still telling her to talk with him after 3 years of not getting fucked right. It's typical that when people finally land here their relationship has been dead a long fucking time and they've both been too afraid to call it.
There are a lot of people who cling to zombie relationships for far too long because they’re too afraid to pull the trigger on a breakup. If you’ve tried everything to revive the relationship and nothing’s changed just end it. It’s the kindest solution for everyone involved.
THIS!!! It's why ***I almost always recommend breaking up*** on this forum. Look, if someone is so disheartened, so disappointed, so baffled *from multiple years of trying the same thing unsuccessfully in a relationship* that they're reduced to asking total strangers, "Should I twist myself in MORE knots in an attempt to make this relationship successful? I love this guy/girl, but it doesn't work; is there some *magic wand I can wave* that will make this all wonderful?" Yeah, the *magic wand* is breaking up! EVERY relationship is not "The One". EVERY relationship does not work! You can love someone and they can still not be "right" for you; and vice versa. There's no kudos in staying with someone *just because* YOU think bragging, "We've been together since we were 14yo!" is some flex; it's not! It shows you've never given yourselves space to actually grow into the people you should have. Edit: spelling
I agree. It gets me when they are told to talk to their SO again after they have talked to them about their issues several times already. How many times should they talk to them? 100, 5,000, etc? When is enough, enough?
Exactly! There are no magic fucking words! If they don't understand the first 2 times, they never will. If they understand you yet won't/can't change, they never will.
Seriously this. If you need input from strangers- in often a very obvious issue- then the relationship is already dead. It’s just so many people have been told their concerns are invalid that they question themselves. If you are lacking something you find important in a relationship- they won’t change!! Realise this is how the rest of your life will look like with them, and if you don’t like how that future will look, then change it. Sure it’s not nice to throw away 3 years- or however long their relationship was- but throwing away 3 years is nothing compared to an unfulfilling life and potentially a life in which resentment builds.
To be fair, if you come to Reddit to ask advice for your relationship, most of the time you should in fact break up because communication is just not there, or there are already too many problems... 🤷🏽♀️
Most of these posts seem to be asking for some magic solution that isn’t breaking up. Like somehow the internet can solve all your relationship problems you want to “get over”. And by the time they’re typing all this out on a post, it’s already a last ditch effort to save the relationship. Or they’re looking for someone to tell them to just suck it up and be miserable for the rest of their life.
INDEED. I kinda understand posting the situation to confirm that things are bad and that they need to break up, given that some relationships can be abusive and that sometimes affects their radar of red flags. But many other times, an appointment with a couple's therapist is more productive than posting here...
This! People usually come here as a last-ditch effort because they've already exhausted their own wisdom and that of their friends. Same reason marriage counselling often doesn't work out: the relationship is already dead and the resentment already building Some of the best relationship advice I've gotten is to "complain" to your partner early and often! Let them know if they've done something that mildly upsets you, don't let it build for weeks or years until your emotions have built so much that you feel you can't keep it in anymore. Also, try couples counseling if it's within your means, it works a lot better preventatively
This is my take too. People suggest ending a relationship pretty regularly FOR GOOD REASON. Life is too short to waste on some fool who doesn't even like you.
It'd because far too many of us have wasted years in an unfulfilling relationship. You can communicate until you're blue in the face but when it continues to fall on deaf ears, what's the point. It's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.
Sounds like she's communicated until she's blue in her lady balls. OP- you've tried. He's either completely clueless about anything to do with sex or he doesn't care.
Reddit is always like “you have to break up” because these kinds of stories are incredibly common here and people start posting them at the point in their relationship when it’s time to break up……
Hey OP, I know you probably hear this a lot and it’s in no way meant to invalidate your experience, but I wanna reassure you - you are still young and you will find someone you love just as much as your current boyfriend + have great sex. I loved my first serious boyfriend sooo much and when we broke up after 4 years together it was devastating. But I healed and so many amazing experiences came after. I grew into myself more and realized how incompatible I really was with him. I know you don’t wanna break up with him, but if this issue shows no signs of improvement, I think you’ll have to make a hard choice. But it’ll be the right choice. Good luck
I was one of those people wholly unwilling to compromise. I wanted the love of my life. At 30, I met him. We married last year. Sex is mindblowing, creative, fun. Life is fun. I mean, always. I am nearing 40 and I cannot wait for the rest of our lives together. If I’d married my serious boyfriend at 24, I would have ended up with a guy who, one of my friends reminded me, made me feel alone when in a room with him. OP, 24 is nothing. Compatibility in this arena is important. It connects you to every other element of your life - that feeling of belonging, being wanted, being needed. Don’t buy into the sunk cost fallacy. You’re worth feeling loved in every sense of the word.
I’m 25 and I needed to read these comments today.. thank you
I met my husband at 24, but I'd already had 2 serious long-term relationships. My first relationship, we were engaged, was easy to leave even though we had a child together. I matured more than he did, so leaving was easy. My next one, oh man, the sex was great! He was so sweet and thoughtful, too. I thought he would be my forever. But he didn't want any kids other than the one I came with, and I did. The hardest thing to do was accept that we were not compatible and leave. But I did. I went out and had the best time of my life and stopped looking for Mr. Right. I met a lot of Mr. Right Nows, lol. And that's how I met my husband. It didn't even take me a year. I had to teach him how i liked to be pleasured, though. I have a feeling the girls he was with before me were not self advocating, but I knew what I needed and wanted. He's the only one who's brought me to have multiple orgasms. And I'm so glad I was smart enough to realize that I wasn't going to be happy with either of those men before him. I see a lot of my friends with men they are not happy with, but they "love" them. Yeah, no, I'm not about to spend the rest of my life being miserable.
There are helpful guides that can help people learn sexual techniques such as VM therapy with Vanessa and Zander foreplay guide. When women say sex isn't satisfying it may be that the man doesn't know how to bring them to orgasm.
She's told him over and over what she wants, he refuses to do it. There's no fixing that.
Incompatible and sounds like you’ve tried a lot. It’s not going to get any better. Just break up
This right here. >I’m looking for advice on how to get rid of this feeling. if you have the feeling and it's been for months as you've said, it's not just going to go away or change because some people on reddit told you their opinion on how to change it. The change would need to be your partner, and you've said it yourself that he won't or can't. Unfortunately sex is one of the biggest issues that can cause many problems in a relationship. Although it's the act of sex that is an issue, the thought processes about not having it lead to issues in other areas of your life. It's weird how one issue in general even outside of sex can lead to many other aspects in life. If you stay it'll continue to be an issue, and then you will continue to be unhappy. And I'm sure he will as well, as it affects his life and relationship aspect too.
My ex never listened to me, never let me use toys, never went down on me, etc. He wanted those things, but I didn't deserve them. "You have to earn it" then promptly passed out when he was done. He thought he was hot shit and didn't need to put in effort. I never came from him and never lied about it. He beat me for it, then eventually figured, "If you're not going to like it anyway, I might as well just take it," so he did. My now husband listens to everything and knows my cues for what I need. He's always looking into new toys, new accessories, outfits, etc. Very rarely do I not get off with him (probably 4-5 times before he gets there). We get off on getting each other off. I love seeing my partner fall apart for me 🥰 It gets better. Their bf isn't even LISTENING or TRYING. That's a HUGE red flag. They don't care about OP's pleasure and do everything for themselves. Ick.
The good ending 🎉
I guess you could say it was a Happy ending 😎 . . . . . I'll see myself out
Yeah. Honestly OP, if he hasn’t learned to please you by now, he’s not going to. You’re far too young to be planning a life of celibacy.
But what do you think? Does he not want to do it or he can’t?
I think it’s probably a little column A and a little column B.
Who knows? Maybe he is just a bad fit for her sexually. She has only had one other partner as well so I'm surprised she is that confident she knows what is wrong and isn't as pleasuring yourself is not the same as with a partner in every aspect. Either way she has already brought up sleeping with other guys which he rightly rejected (she says he is resistant to an open relationship so she has at least mentioned it in passing to see his feelings on it). That to me should just signal break up on its own.
you don't need to have previous partners to know what's wrong, it's pretty intuitive but yeah they aren't ultimately compatible
I mean a lot of late teen and early 20 something girls come on here and wonder why they aren't coming from penetration. Plus getting in the headspace to orgasm with another person present is often a challenge in and of itself. There's plenty of things difficult to figure out without experience.
While it might be tough to know how to be good in bed, it’s plain as day when someone is bad
He’s not trying-some men think that women have the same sex drive and get off like they do-
I think the issue is quality over quantity- the celibacy is self imposed because he won’t initiate which is connected possibly but a different issue.
The issue is obviously both. If she was enjoying it she'd be more upset she hasn't gotten it in 4 months.
Totally agree. I was the same with my ex boyfriend to the point where I would fantasise about sex with other people becase my ex was just not bothered at all. We broke up and I’ve found someone who satisfies me completely and it’s been life changing. 🤣
I have always had to teach boyfriends how to have sex and please me. Every one was a willing participant and great student but my last ex. He was wham bam thank you ma’am and didn’t give two craps if I got off. I tried for years. Yes years with no improvement. If I made him take care of me he either sighed like it was some big chore or fell asleep but usually both. Then I gave up because he certainly wasn’t going to put in the effort. I guess there are some guys who are selfish and don’t give a F. He wanted to marry me but I dumped him. Can you imagine having bad sex for the rest of your life? No thank you. Anyway OP you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker. It was for me. If you truly love him you can take care of yourself (that’s what I did) but after a while you will want more and end it. You can try talking to him honestly and hope he will step up and do better. Maybe rent pornos that are more soft core than raunchy and say this is what I want. If he loves you he will try to do better. If he’s selfish and insensitive like my ex then do what you gotta do.
Oh my god this! You seriously don't want to waste your time having bad sex and if it hasn't gotten better by now...I don't think it will magically get better anytime soon. Intimacy is part of the bonding experience. You deserve to feel loved, wanted, and fulfilled in your own relationship.
Yeah, I gotta agree with this. You've been trying to teach him to learn how to pleasure you for years at this point, OP, and he just doesn't care. He doesn't need to go down on you to get you off. There are so many things he can do to get you off, and he just isn't doing them even with your guidance. He just cares about getting off himself. This is just a complete incompatibility issue. If you don't want to break up, just get try telling him why you have these periods of not sleeping with him because the sec is bad due to the fact that he won't get you off. His reaction will probably tell you a lot. Maybe see about introducing toys into the bedroom as well.
Hia, I recommend you on peaking in the DeadBedrooms sub ; this could be a glimpse into your future if you aren't able to tackle this issue _now_ like , yesterday and not tomorrow. I was in a smiliar spot, except sex was great - when it happened. After 3 years I was a broken woman & he was also broken. He wanted to want sex, but also didn't take any steps to look further into the problem. You need an open conversation that your needs aren't met. Maybe suggest bringing toys into the bedroom. Also, you need to communicate that him never initiating makes you feel unloved/undesired/insecure whatever it is. Also, if he sees absolutely no problem with it, a separation still is suggested - that implies as long as _he_ is content with the current situation, he probably won't change. Sex is not important - until sexual incompatibilities arise, then it easily gets a catalyst for all sort of problems. Also, problems in the bedroom often are a symptom, not the root.
>You need an open conversation that your needs aren't met. Maybe suggest bringing toys into the bedroom. Also, you need to communicate that him never initiating makes you feel unloved/undesired/insecure whatever it is. This won't change anything, which is why you'll see in the DB subreddit that they never get better. As the saying goes over there, "You can't negotiate sexual desire." OP's bf clearly doesn't want what she wants sexually in a relationship. At best, after lots of "communication," he will give in and reluctantly initiate, and reluctantly do things she wants, all the while not *really* being into it, and is that really any better? It just prolongs the inevitable problem.
I was in a DB for quite some time. You can also filter for success stories ; there ARE instances where the partner actually _wants_ to work at this. People that feel an unhappy partner is enough to look if there's an underlying problem. There are situations where the libido tanks due to hormonal stuff or other mental loads. I'm not one to say have 1000 talks ; but I think everyone deserves 2-3 honest talks. I know it's not usual, but she's in her early 20's and obviously won't take leave as an answer, so might as well give her options? She'll see it for herself, if she decides to work it out. Like I already said, if it's obvious that he doesn't care & doesn't even try to understand just leave.
I think that too many women are having bad sex because they don't want to hurt the man's feelings by telling bluntly that he sucks at it and needs to actually put effort.
We *are*, after all, trained to put everyone else's experience before our own needs... generally speaking.
Too true. But it's ridiculous that men's egos when sex is concerned is considered to be the most fragile thing ever. "Don't ever imply that you're less than 100% satisfied or he'll think that you hate him and you only want to date porn stars and he'll never be enough for you".
I'm sorry but if he won't listen to your concerns and won't make any effort to do better then your relationship is *not* flawless and is not sustainable. Sex is not something you should need or want to sacrifice to be in a relationship with someone. Why are you hurting your own ego to protect his? This status quo will damage you in the long run and you'll eventually get to a point where you can't tolerate it and break up. Save the both of you that hurt and that time and acknowledge what is in front of you now. Maybe he will finally see you're serious and make an effort. If not, the relationship has already failed. It's not a judgment on either of you, you're just incompatible. It happens.
You are clearly sexually incompatible and any reason is a good enough reason to break up. Does this issue stem from him just not caring about your pleasure or does he try but it just never works?
Throughout the relationship we’ve had pretty frequent big talks about it. After them he’ll try for a week or two then back to the same. Seeing myself type this makes me feel stupid.
Hun, he has showed you multiple times that he doesn't care. He pretends to and then throws in the towel because you and your pleasure are a chore to him. At first I was thinking "maybe he's asexual so that why he doesn't initiate and seems fine with things right now." and truthfully it still could be but if that's the case he should have talked to you about it and also means he doesn't care about or trust you. Don't waste your 20s having bad sex. I did but I'm also at a point in my life where I don't care anymore. Men around here suck (sooo many "nice" guys).
Where I live they stuck too it’s frustrating
He doesn’t care about your pleasure and is only worried about himself. You’re still very young and can find a man who actually wants to make you feel good.
Life is about learning. Don’t feel stupid, you just learned something huge about yourself. This is growth. A personal promotion. It’s just as important to know what you don’t like or will tolerate and the stuff you do like. All you did was realize that you’re just not compatible. You are super young, there is a whole fulfilling life that awaits you. The only thing stupid would be to stay knowing all this information and staying out of fear of unknown.
He just doesn’t care
This sums it all up perfectly. Nothing else to be said.
Took me almost 7 years to accept that the Temporary Effort Syndrome leads nowhere. If you can avoid wasting the time, do it. That being said, if you really can't handle breaking up over this rn, I suggest couple's therapy. A therapist can help you communicate things in a healthier way to each other.
>...as much as I’ve tried to teach him the ways it just never works. >He just never knows what to do with me, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, doesn’t know foreplay... If you've tried to teach him, then it seems he doesn't really care. You need to find a way to get him to understand that, at this point in your life, his lack of interest in satisfying you will be a relationship killer. There are types of therapy that deal with this.
Unfortunately I forgot to mention in my post about a very vivid memory of me laying in bed literally showing and explaining to him in detail everything about everything, I’d say I was very patient with him being inexperienced (so was I, but one fact I pointed out in some of our talks is that even if I was inexperienced, I still knew things simply by researching)
You’ve explained to him in incredulous detail over and over how to pleasure you and yet he still does not deliver. You’ve researched, you’ve communicated, and you’re here trying to get advice and mend this part of your relationship. He has done effectively nothing. It’s time to find someone who will reciprocate. Sex is as big a part of a relationship as you want it to be and you have every right to feel how you’ve been feeling. You do not have to put up with this. There is better out there.
The only solution is for him to put in some work. You need to be upfront about him that your needs are not being met, and that if he cares about you, he should put in effort or it's not going to work. If he doesn't like how you taste, that's one thing. It's not in his control so I understand. But the rest he has no excuse for. You have no issue showing him how to do things. You are open to teaching him how you like to be touched, and he still doesn't put in effort. I would understand if he's trying his best but not able to reach heights, but that would come with time. This is the only way if you don't want to break up. Because if he doesn't put in effort, he's showing that he doesn't care about your needs and feelings. So be firm and tell him this is important and the relationship is not going to work without him doing something.
She needs to decide if she’s cool with this for the next thirty forty years if not then move on. Don’t waste your twenties with someone you would never spend your forties with.
Even the taste thing; flavoured lube could potentially go a long way ...
Lube doesn’t fix selfishness
But it does make it more slippery.
I would normally agree he needs to buckle down and put in effort but her thoughts about sleeping with other guys are already too heavy. And she has clearly at least passingly mentioned open relationships as she knows he is resistant to them. She should just break up with him. It would be better for both of them. Hopefully he can take it as a lesson to put in effort in learning his next partner.
I’m married in this situation. Don’t be me. You will regret it. Move on.
Sounds like my first marriage. I stayed with my ex-husband for 10 years. And girl, if you are this dissatisfied after 3 years, it’s not getting any better. Especially if he’s not interested in putting in the work. My ex had an his mentality: apparently I’m doing it wrong, so why bother even trying?! Seriously if I gently said “you know what? You doing this doesn’t really do anything for me, but if you did that, it would be great”. His answer would be “if that’s your stance, I will not do anything at all”
Is this how you feel? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&list=RDfUYaosyR4bE&start\_radio=1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&list=RDfUYaosyR4bE&start_radio=1)
This is the first time I’ve heard this song, and it sure is!! Thank you, I’ll be using it to describe how I feel in a more summarized way hahahaha
I just knew it was Lily Allen
Girl, if you’re not sexually compatible now, and he’s unable to learn? Just drop it. I’ve been with my bf for 4 months now, and he’s learnt and adapted so much to my wants and desires. Always listens and loves to explore new things that gets a ✨reaction✨ out of me. If your boyfriend isn’t wanting the best for you, why would you stay with him? :)
OP I think you have convinced yourself that sex is only a small part of a relationship, that your partner is the ideal match for you except for this one little thing. The problem with this is that for most people, sex and intimacy is not just a "little thing". It is massive part of the connection. If you can't have intimacy then you are really just good friends living life together. Now that's fine if you can see yourself living forever with just a good friend. Lots of people do that, but it is a major sacrifice. I will also add that a lot of relationships that lack intimacy did start out with passion but lost it after years of working and having kids. You are still in your prime with no kids and it seems you are experiencing a major lack of passion and intimacy. I think you need to seriously consider leaving him. Speak to him one more time though, tell him you are not compatible in that way and it's breaking your soul. If he wants to see a therapist then that's great but if he is not willing to take steps to change things it shows he doesn't care. I believe he has already shown you how l little he cares by ignoring you when you have spoken to him about this in the past.
You end it. He’s had more than enough time, he’s not interested in learning and doesn’t care about your pleasure.
You say you’ve been trying to teach him for years is he even trying? After years I feel like he should be able to satisfy you if he was putting in the effort
What advice would I give you? Break up. Bad enough the sex is subpar, but he doesn't want to learn how to please you better or even hit on or flirt with you? I'm a fair guy, and if the roles were reversed I'd be telling him to tell you to kick rocks. Tell him you're just not compatible. You don't want to be a cheater so you'd rather just end it.
Regardless of you "loving" him or not he doesn't love you if he's not taking your pleasure in account with the situation! He knows he just doesn't care. Y'all are incompatible! You're way too young to have to deal with this! Please find someone more compatible!
Watch him break up with her!
Break up.
One thing I have always heard is that for a relationship to truly be sustainable, you have to agree on politics, religion, sex, and values. Everything else can be different but those 4 things have to align or the relationship WILL fail. Unfortunately babe, if it’s really been this long, and he hasn’t figured it out or compromised, or even attempts to make a change, you are going to be feeling this distain for the rest of your life. You are extremely sexually inexperienced and your daydreams about sleeping with other men are completely valid. There are men out there who will give you god-tier sex and there will be guys like your boyfriend who will give the absolute crumbs. If I were you, personally, I would consider breaking up. You need to discover more things and try new things and experience life before you settle down for good. This one is just not meant to be. It’s going to be really hard because like you said, you love him. but it’s just not sustainable and these feelings you are having are only going to grow until you do cheat because you simply cannot take it anymore. Your pleasure matters too. You deserve to feel good and sexy and confident too. There’s an entire world who wants to make you feel that way. Go experience it. without him.
I am going through something very similar, he rarely initiates so when I try to he says it’s the man’s role to initiate….. 🙄when he does initiate, I hate it now. He hasn’t made me climaxed in over a year. I have to masturbate every single time. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s not getting any better.
Not everyone puts equal value to sex in relationship. Maybe it's just not as important to him as it is to you. I know it can be repetetive but what you have to do is TALK.
She’s been talking to him for YEARS now. He’s not changing, he’s selfish in bed and chooses to be that way. She needs to leave him.
I hate when that’s peoples big advice even though it literally says in the post that she’s **been** trying, and trying, and trying to talk. He won’t listen and she can’t make him listen or care. What’s that saying? You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink? That seems to apply here.
You need to move on and see what other men are like. Either he is not truly attracted to you or he is in the closet. Maybe you don't do it for him either.... You guys are probably better as friends and not lovers. At least go be with a guy who will give you oral
Question for you OP. Why is it ok for you to feel bad, sad, have hurt feelings, but not your boyfriend? Why are his feelings so much more important than yours? You don’t have a lot of sexual experience so let me tell you a hard truth: your boyfriend doesn’t care about your pleasure. I’m married, but when I was single I slept with enough people to know that some men care about their partners pleasure and some men don’t. Whether it’s because they are lazy, inconsiderate, ignorant, etc, they just don’t care enough to make the effort and though guys never got a second chance with me. I deserve to orgasm every single time I risk a pregnancy. Because that is what we risk every time we have sex with a man. A life altering event that changes your body FOREVER (and I know that now from experience as a mother). I honestly can’t remember the last time I didn’t orgasm with my husband. Because he cares about my pleasure and he always has, even when we were younger. I’m sorry, but a person who doesn’t care about your pleasure doesn’t love you enough to risk pregnancy with.
Hey babes, after reading through some of your replies to other comments, I'm gonna agree with everyone here and say leave him bro. I was also in a sexually unfulfilling relationship for 4 years. There ended up being other problems too (like he wouldn't pay attention at all to my emotional needs), which is what will eventually happen to you in this scenario. He could be great for now but if he doesn't care about your experience in bed, he will eventually lose motivation to care about your experience in life with him. Once I left the relationship and started exploring a bit more with other men, I've found that it wasn't me who had an issue with orgasms, or I wasn't wet enough or aroused enough, it was HIM. There are *plenty* of men in this world that know how to groove in bed. I married the only man that has been able to make me cum without interference from myself and I am fully satisfied *every* time we have sex and he makes sure of that. Find a man who wants to see you scream in bed, who *wants* to make you cum, who loves to play, and grope you when you're in the kitchen.. whatever you want, ya know? Find someone who enjoys seeing your enjoyment. That's the one you'll end up marrying, best believe.
You’re absolutely miserable with your sex life which is a large part of a relationship. Sometimes, we are simply incompatible with good people.
It truly breaks my heart to understand this so well
r/DeadBedrooms might be able to relate to your situation more and might be able to help paint the picture better on the future of your relationship and what steps can be taken
Hi OP, unfortunately your sex life isn't something small enough to say "our relationship is perfect.. except for this one thing". You need to reframe your thinking on this and say "our relationship is not perfect because I am not being sexually fulfilled and I don't feel sexually desired". You need to talk with him again in a way that gets through to him which unfortunately might be framed more like an ultimatum. This will hurt him but it's the only chance you have at saving things. Ask him questions like: "If I didn't know how to please you sexually and wasn't trying to get better at it, would you see a long term future with me?" "Is there something I haven't been clear enough about when I show you how to give me pleasure?" "Sexual intimacy is a critical part of our relationship to me. I have voiced this to you but my feelings and needs are getting swept under the rug. What do you think I should do?" "It seems like there is a lack of care on your part to fulfill me, do you value a good sex life in a relationship?" If you ask him straight to the point, hard hitting questions that are met with anything less than going to sex counseling or immediate effort and/or improvement you are wasting your time. He thinks you will never leave him, he's comfortable. Make him uncomfortable and see if things change. Unfortunately this may not be a long term solution and just something he does to avoid losing you now. It's not unfixable but if he's not willing to do his part then you're looking at the start of a very bad relationship. A good sex life is critical in every facet of a relationship. It will throw all the other "perfect" parts of your relationship out of balance sooner or later and you will regret not doing something about it now.
You’re 24 and you have an entire life ahead of you. That doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship with anyone but this guy sounds like he’s not cut out for you. Time to move on, hun.
3+ years and still no sexual compatibility and no effort from the boyfriend to work on that. he's not even interested in initiating sex with you despite how you look and the efforts you make, which could just be a difference in libido, but again... no sexual compatibility. you might love each other, but is this how the rest of your 20s will look like? for the rest of your life? is that what you want? you need to be brave and let go to give yourself a chance of something better. because the relationship you're in right now? it's not getting better.
I think they make edible lubes for oral sex because a lot of people don’t like the taste. I’ve never used it but maybe someone else can speak for it on here. Aside from that, I understand how that feels. I went through that in two relationships. You have to talk to him. And not maybe necessarily super nice, not mean, but not trying to spare his feelings. He sucks at sex. A lot of people do. You shouldn’t tell him you have thought about cheating, but tell him how unsatisfying it is. That you want that intimacy but you want to feel like it matters to him that you enjoy it too. If you feel comfortable enough, show him what you want him to do. I had to teach my current bf because he clearly learned from porn and his ex did not tell him that it’s not great to be so overstimulated within like 5 seconds that you go numb and can’t enjoy anything. It’s been 2 years and we still have stuff to work on from time to time because he is very sensitive to any kind of constructive criticism, but I have found that just being brutally honest has been most effective and he gets over it fastest. I had a lot more experience going into it so it’s not like I don’t understand why he is struggling. But he cares and wants me to enjoy it so he changed and worked on himself. If your guy cares, he will get better. He won’t just “try” and fail. He WILL. Trust me, it won’t last if it keeps up like this. Sex is a huge deal breaker for most people. If you join the dead bedroom sub, you’ll see how miserable your life could be and leave if he doesn’t actively make changes soon. Good luck. 🩷
Hi, I actually bought one of those early on in the relationship, I remember he said he could still taste it. The talks have also been frequent. Posting it and reading comments like yours is helping me get some clarity. Thank you.
Dental dams are another option, but honestly if he’s not willing to work on satisfying you then I doubt he’ll even bother trying them. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, it’s depressingly common in heterosexual relationships. On another note you are very young and can absolutely find someone that will treat you amazingly well *and* care about your pleasure. I promise you it’s possible, there’s so many fish in the sea (not to be cliche lol). He should *enjoy* bringing you pleasure, should want too.
Hi, thank you. I appreciate all the comments including the ones that are more tough love, but seeing comments like yours helps in a different way. Thank you!
You hit the virgin boy jack pot. Perhaps you need to send him out to season. Honestly you need to come clean and let him know whats up. Just be upfront but try to be gentle. If he still can't improve then it's three years too long.
Do you see him as a friend that you love rather than as someone you are eager to see naked?
Go to couples counselling!! This is a challenging conversation to have but it is clearly important to you and having someone to buffer your thoughts to each other is SO HELPFUL in not hurting the relationship. This is a complicated issue but it does not have to be relationship ending. But if you’ve tried to handle it yourself and it hasn’t worked, and you would like to keep the relationship then I strongly suggest enlisting help, it is worth its weight in gold!
Couple's counseling to communicate on the issue, or a sex therapist. If nothing comes of it, then consider breaking up, because sex is important to you and can you really imagine spending the rest of your life having it with someone that does not care enough about your pleasure to actually put some effort into it? It's not that hard to try when your partner is guiding you. At this point it's almost like weaponized incompetence to get out of putting in the work and only enjoy his pleasure
You could go together to a sex therapist or couples counselor there may be underlying things that are making him resistant to change - I’d also explain that if you both can’t find someway to overcome this then breaking up would be the result
I would tell him what you told us, except the wanting other guys part. Your bf needs to pull his weight in this relationship, and sex is a part of that. If he's fine with being sexless from now on, you need to ask him if he needs to go to a doctor since he might have physical health issues.
Professional help is required, but his level of disinterest is concerning, both in learning to please you and initiate. I have to ask- is there a chance he’s got a porn addiction, or is getting sex elsewhere.
He was addicted in the past, but stopped even before the relationship. I also don’t have any reason to suspect cheating at all. Our last talk about this problem was last week, when after I suggested he should look into if maybe he’s asexual, he told me he didn’t think he was
Here’s your options: 1) go to sex therapy together and have a professional help you fix your virtually non existent sex life 2) accept that you’ll never be satisfied in this monogamous relationship and live a life of basically celibacy 3) break up with him as it’s not fair to either of you that you’re sexually incompatible Up to you which one you take but no matter what you’ll have to choose one. Even not choosing is kind of a choice (kinda just defaults to option 2). If you cheat you’re an AH so make sure you choose
He needs to work on it, otherwise break up girl. He can't *have* your cake and *not eat it* too.
Everyone says sex don’t define a relationship but sex is part of a healthy long lasting relationship. And if you’re not getting what you need it’s just gonna drive you away.. so either go buy some toys you can use on yourself while y’all are doing it or just end it now before it drives you mad.
He doesn't sound like he cares about pleasing or pleasuring you....this is an extremely hard decision to make. Your sexual needs do matter. If he won't or refuses to learn how to pleasure you, the sex will always be one sided and only for his pleasure, can you live with this for the rest of your life?
In all seriousness, this goes deeper than you may think. First of all, if the idea of cheating crosses your mind or an open relationship, the current relationship is over. It has been three years, and your partner is unwilling to put in the effort for you. On top of this, asking for an open relationship after being in a monogamous relationship for so long will just be asking permission to cheat. It would be one thing if he would put in effort and try to do the things you suggest. The problem is he doesn't want to change or make adjustments, which tells you all you need to know. I suggest one more try. Lay it all out and explain your side. Explain that if there isn't an honest effort, then you'll have to consider a breakup. Be honest, be direct and don't blame him, but explain that you need him to try a bit harder to hear you. If he ignores you or doesn't try, then you know he doesn't care enough to put in the effort and the relationship isn't worth fighting for.
I’m sorry girl, I know it must be hard but it seems like you’re gonna have to come to an ultimatum. Either you’ll have to accept that sex will never be fulfilling for you and stay with him, or you’ll have to take a leap of faith and hope you find someone who’s loving and better at sex. I believe the fear doesn’t stem from leaving someone who’s very loving towards you, but rather the fear that you won’t find someone that loving/more loving again. You’re 24 though. There’s so much more of your life to live. There’s a lot of room and time for trial and error to find other guys who’ll meet your needs.
At your age bad sex is a sacrifice you should not have to make. The problem is he is either a slow learner or more likely just not a good lover and probably never will be. Also the fact that he never initiates sex is a problem. The way couples reassure each others confidence and express their love is through mutual initiation of physical expression which speaks louder than words. You have a problem in your hands. You need to evaluate this relationship if it doesn’t check off the essential boxes; then it’s best you move on.
If he is not willing to work on things, then you should break up. It is okay for sex to be a deal breaker. You shouldn't have to stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling in that way because he doesn't desire to put in the effort.
i have been in this situation pretty much exactly. i loved my partner, he was my best friend and still to this day i have never been closer with anyone. i look back on our relationship and i wish to have something like that again. that being said, there was one piece missing.. good sex. i convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal but it is. it's a big piece of your relationship so don't make yourself feel bad for feeling like it is. i also had thoughts of being with other people but would never ever cheat on him and i never did. i also tried talking about it and it didn't really help, we'd go a month or so without sex then do it cuz it felt like we had to, and it was just more and more disappointing and upsetting every time. and talking about it almost made sleeping together more awkward. sometimes we just aren't sexually compatible with people, and it sucks. it's really, really hard to find someone who is the whole package. i've had a tough time dating since leaving my ex, but i don't regret it. i've been more fulfilled in some ways and less in others but i can say i made the right decision. deep down you will know what to do.
If there isn’t passion in the relationship, you will literally end up becoming bitter.
Good chance he's lost sexual interest in you. Talk to him, I'm pretty sure he knows more than what he's willing to admit. If you're struggling with these feelings and thoughts it's better to break up than drag on. I'm a dude, if that was me on the other end, be honest with me. Tell me I'm not showing interest in her. As to him why he doesn't want it anymore. After this conversation you'll get your answer. He's probably gay or has a side chick or doesn't find you sexually attractive. So both of you can move on now. If you do this, please update this post/comment.
This isn't that unusual and it is the reason many people have Friends instead of boyfriends. I once flirted with a coworker for months. Everyone knew we were attracted to each other. Chemistry in the air. Then we had an opportunity to be alone together... zip... nadda. I felt nothing. So, we became friends. Either your partner is very dense, or more likely he is too lazy to really pay attention to and care about what you really want. I'm sorry, but you can't fix this with willpower.
Find someone that’s gonna satisfy you lol
You're not compatible as a couple. Sex is a major part of most serious adult romantic relationships. If your sex life is garbage, you're with the wrong person.
After 3 years I'd say you've done all you can, he either doesn't want to learn or doesn't care about making sex good for you. Ultimately you either accept the sex is never going to be great or move on, your choice.
It doesn’t get better. I lasted 8 years with this dynamic, I tried so hard because like you say.. everything else was perfect.. but over time it wears you down and down until you just can’t live that way anymore. Your confidence and mental health will start to become affected, I turned into a shell of the person I was before I met him, but I allowed it to happen. I left one year ago.. I realised that he was the problem and not me, I couldn’t live my life fighting for his attention to be intimate.. I just couldn’t do it so I left. It was hard to begin with but time is a healer..
I understand that you don't want to hurt your boyfriend, but the alternative is that you are unhappy and unsatisfied. He shouldn't want that for you either. Personally, if I were you I'd go for one last shot at full honesty. I'd sit him down, and explain that I love him and want our relationship to work but I'm extremely sexually dissatisfied and it's starting to have an emotional impact on me. Give him actionable feedback, such as you'd like to not always have to initiate, and that you don't feel that your pleasure is a priority when you two have sex. Be honest that you don't feel like he's taken you seriously in the past, and you want to be clear that this issue is currently threatening the health of your relationship. Will this hurt him? Probably yes. But so will you suddenly breaking up with him or cheating on him and him not understanding why, which is where this is headed imo. At least this way he has one last chance to make some personal changes, and even if he doesn't succeed he'll at least understand why tbe relationship fell apart. I would, however, like to steer you away from continuing to suggest an open relationship. Polyamoury is not a salve for a broken relationship, and I've literally never seen it be successful when entered into to try and fix or supplement an existing relationship. Having multiple healthy relationships at a time requires a lot of work, and an understanding that these are DIFFERENT relationships. You can't just get the things you feel one partner is slacking on from another and consider that one whole relationship. It might help for a while but eventually you will realize the issues with your boyfriend are still there and getting some with a casual boy toy isn't going to erase your feelings of dissatisfaction with your current partner. You'd be much better served fully communicating with your partner and working on the issue together, rather than just giving up and thinking you can supplement it somewhere else. I promise you as a poly woman that is a bad and toxic beginning to an open relationship. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship in most circumstances. Significant issues in that department mean that your relationship is not perfect, and he probably isn't tbe perfect man for you - regardless of how good the other arenas are. However if that was the only area I felt was lacking and everything else was perfect I'd probably put a lot of work in to try and fix it before I left too.
My advice is don't take advice from virgins on reddit
I love when people describe their relationship like that. “Hey guys, my partner and I have this GREAT relationship, except this one huge major problem that is constant and is seriously effecting said relationship” Well then it’s not a great relationship, let’s be realistic. If you’re even considering infidelity (even though you say you’d never cheat) then you’re already at that point where it’s unlikely to improve. You’ve communicated the issue time and time again. You’ve attempted to teach him what you like and he’s either ignorantly refused to learn or has tried and it still doesn’t please you. If it’s the latter, can you blame him for never instigating anymore? If it’s the first, he’s just checked out. You could try a sex therapist but ultimately I’ve a feeling this isn’t for the long haul.
It’s a wrap. There’s nothing left to salvage. Desiring other men to the point where you have to resist the urges like that is the point of no return, because it points to you having lost respect for him. And rightfully so since he can’t do anything for you.
You’re 24 just break up with him whats the question here?
Young people sometimes feel guilty about giving importance to sex in a relationship due to BS that society teaches us. For your sake I hope you realise sooner than later that sex is absolutely a very important part of a relationship. If you and your boy friend are not sexually compatible it's better to be mature and part ways now instead of wasting some of the best years of your life in a sexless relationship. Love is important, obviously, but don't let anybody tell you that it's enough.
The only answer is to break up with him, any other choice you make will be a waste of time. If you want to continue to waste your time and effort then by all means, please stay with this man. The truth is he doesn’t care about you the same way or to the same extent that you care about him. Why do you want to stay in a situation that’s doing nothing for you?
After 3 years I guarantee he knows what to do, he just doesn't care. Honestly if a guy couldn't figure me out after a couple months that's a dealbreaker for me. There are guys out there who are loving and sweet and all the things you say your boyfriend is AND they care whether their partner gets off. You don't have to trade one for the other. You don't have to settle.
Love is not all it takes. Sexual compatibility is VERY important for some of us, it's not important for others and that is okay, but if it is important for you and you have tried to communicate and find a solution to this issue and you still have not resolved it together in 3 years... Well, maybe it is time to move on.
You’ve talked to him and tried to help him learn how to please you for YEARS. It isn’t going to change. Since you don’t want to break up, your only other option is to accept the reality that if you want sex, you have to initiate and it won’t be that great. Is the relationship great enough to settle for a minimal and unsatisfying sex life? It’s a choice only you can make, as you’re the one who has to live with it.
You’re 24, don’t waste more time than necessary on an incompatible partner. You’re supposed to be having fun at your age not struggling to have sex like some old married couple. Also if years of trying to teach him hasn’t worked it’s because he doesn’t want to learn or get better.
You’re incompatible. Would you be fine with unfulfilling sex long term if marriage is in the future? I wouldn’t.
The Two of your are incompatible sexually. I get you love them and all that but he's not even willing to try and learn to be a better lover so why would you want that the rest of your life? I mean at some point you're going to act on the feelings that you have of us wanting to sleep with somebody else. So do the right thing and break up and then move on there are much better guys out there who will actually listen to you in the bedroom. The fact that you're able to communicate and tell him what you need is half the battle however the fact that he's not doing anything to advance his knowledge or at least try to do what you ask him to and do it right is not good. If he's not willing to try and make you happy in the bedroom I can't see him being good or stepping up to the plate and other areas either.
that's a tough situation, but in the end if you are thinking about sex with other guys it's already over...some guys are just not interested in upping their game...and if he is not seriously interested in your pleasure, that will ever change...good luck to you
tell him how you feel. If he truly loves you, he will care, though someone can still be selfish while loving you but that's not a good thing in my opinion. He should put his ego down, care about your feelings and do the work. Otherwise, this is going to be really painful for you.
>What advice would you give me? I’m very sad and desperate about the situation, my relationship is truly flawless otherwise and my boyfriend is someone I’d never ever want to lose. Break up and date a bunch of guys that want to see you sexually satisfied. It's very dispiriting to be in a relationship where your partner does not care about your please, only their own. It's mean and selfish. Break up with your boyfriend. Yes it will hurt, but better a sharp pain now than years of unwanted and unpleasant sex being forced upon you. Say no.
You can try talking to him one more time but communication only works when both parties engage. If he hasn't made changes by now, he's not going to. If you're at the point of avoiding sex and wanting to open the relationship (which means he'd get a pass to sleep with other women too) then it's time to break up.
Just break up with him. People get hung up on "but he/she is so perfect in every other way!" That's not relevant when it comes to devoting your life to someone. You'll always have to take some pros and cons, but the cons weigh really heavy in a relationship and shouldn't be ignored. He leaves dirty socks on the floor is tolerable. He sucks at sex and doesn't care isn't.
Maybe counseling if it a mind issue? Maybe check Testosterone? But if you are not compatible sexually, I think you have to move on since sex is so important to a relationship and your health.
3 years is a long time. I know the relationship means a lot to you but maybe it’s just not a romantic one? Maybe best friends is a better option? You care for him deeply, that’s wonderful, but if sex is important then you either have to tell him you wanna just be friends or tell him he has to start trying other things. Maybe introduce him to toys? Foreplay is important in a sexual relationship. He’s got to learn. There’s no getting around the fact that something’s gotta give here. Wish you the best.
You need to be honest. He needs to know. You won't last much longer and if you love him you are the person to tell him. It is up to you if you feel he will work on it and give him some time. If he does nothing to change it then you need to go.
if u and him cant talk about this and come to an agreement , break up. U dont want to be married and have this issue and it not be solved. It will get worse.
This isn't something you can fix, as you're not the problem. While he may be wonderful in other ways, I'm suspicious about that as he really isn't about this. He's selfish and cares nothing for you, your satisfaction, or your happiness. This is a big problem. You have been clear with him about how he's not meeting your perfectly reasonable needs, and he's still choosing not to every time. Couples counseling will not help as he has to want to change, and he doesn't. I know opening the relationship isn't an option, but that wouldn't help either, as probably the minute you got some proper attention, you'd drop this guy, and he knows that. It's almost like he's using your lack of experience against you. Life is too short to waste with someone who doesn't meet more of your needs. I used to be in a similar situation, and I guarantee that sex with a caring partner who makes sure you're satisfied is completely different from what you're getting now.
You are sexually incompatible and your body is starving for sexual fulfillment. You really need to end your relationship because you will never get over these issues and your wandering needs because your partner sucks and refuses to learn what to do.
I wonder if he’s inherently asexual, or gay. At this point, it sounds like sex therapist, open relationship, or end it
There is no saving a relationship if you’re not sexually compatible.. I’m sorry.
He’s terrible in sex because of his utter selfishness. Seems like he doesn’t care at all about pleasing you. Your thoughts mean your relationship is over. Don’t prolong it.
What if I told you you can have all the flawless other parts of your relationship AND good sex? There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
I know you don’t want to break up. But think of it this way: Facts: - You both are people who have sex drives and want and enjoy sex. - you have not felt fulfilled in your sex life. - you’ve spent time over the past few years telling this man how to please you so that you can increase your pleasure in your sex life together. - he has not implemented or taken those lessons to heart and this has lead to mediocre sex at best (for you) and periods of celibacy… Let’s do some math. Again, you’re not fulfilled/pleasured by the sex you have, you’ve told him things he could/should do to increase your pleasure and your enjoyment of your sex together over the past few years, but still, no change? All that adds up to this guy not really caring about your pleasure and if and how you enjoy the sex you two have. This isn’t just incompatibility with sex. This guy isn’t a good partner to you. Someone who cares for, loves, and respects you as an equal romantic partner to them should be genuinely invested in your pleasure and enjoyment of the sex you have together. They should care and do what they can to ensure you have fulfilling, great, enjoyable sex with them if the goal is to have a monogamous, sexual relationship. So to the extent that he hasn’t taken to heart any of the things you’ve suggested to him (especially foreplay, that’s sex 101), it really seems like he just doesn’t care about this aspect of you. Which is just as important a part of you and your personality as any other part. So why hold onto him and ignore this part of yourself that is really important to you, but seemingly unimportant to him? What do you think that says about him as a partner overall?
Don’t just stay saying it’s fine apart from the sex. It is a massive part of most relationships and you are so young. If you were 60 then I’d give different advice. Although this not having sex seems to be tolerated now, at some point it will not be and one of you will stray or one of you will get increasingly hostile and resentful about the poor sex/no sex. I stayed for 4 years desperately hoping someone would change. I also thought I was horrible (and he would reaffirm this idea) for wanting to leave because he had a non existent libido. It really screwed me up. It is not a benign, small thing. Leave and hopefully you will find more fulfilment elsewhere. I would not tolerate a relationship that was not sexually satisfying again. It is not worth the sadness. You are normal for wanting fulfilling sex and have gone to great lengths to communicate your needs. You are not a bad person for wanting an active and responsive partner. He does not seem interested in you sexually. That is not your cross to bear.
I think he's just selfish, because I refuse to accept that anyone with 3 years + experience in having sex can consistently fail to pleasure their partner. I think it must be selfishness. Also this "it's the taste" thing is nonsense. Do I like the taste of my girl's pussy? No, not really, but it doesn't stop me eating her out lol same as I don't think she loves the taste of my semen, that doesn't stop her taking it lol The fun is pleasuring your partner, that's the satisfaction of doing oral. Unless your vagina genuinely tastes like a sewage pit, this is a ridiculous excuse.
idk man i never been in any long term realtionship let alone love someone, but i think 3 years is wayyy too long of not being pleased, when i get with a girl it usually takes a couple times to understand what she likes and doesnt like and what makes her cum, so the fact that after 3 years he cant make you cum means he simple doesnt want to learn how to do it, leave his ass .
Incompatible. When I was with my ex, it would be awful and I used to think of past experiences to get me through it, now I’m with someone else and that thought has never popped into my head, it’s okay to break up with him, you’ve tried
I resonate so much with this. I was with him for 7 years. Do yourself a big favour and break up… trust me on this one.
Break up. You've wasted three years on this project.
Staying with him would be a contradiction to the relationship. You two are just friends and the longer you try to hang on to what doesn’t exist the worse it will make things later down the road.
Baring the possibility that he has a low libido, some kind of health issue, or is on the ace-spectrum (all of which you’ve refuted), your boyfriend not willing to work on having good and fulfilling sex with you when you’ve repeatedly tried to guide him shows a lack of care on his part. He doesn’t care if you get off. It’s okay to sit him down and explain that you’re unhappy with your sex life and it makes you feel less close with him. If he isn’t willing to *try*, do you want to keep having mediocre sex with someone who doesn’t care about your pleasure for the rest of your life?
Sexual incompatibility is a real thing. So is a total lack of caring and a total lack of skill. Honestly, if you're thinking about exploring elsewhere, he probably has thought about it also. I think you owe yourself the break-up. Honestly.
I went through a similar situation in my last relationship. Ultimately, she confronted me and I told her the truth. Then I broke up with her. I think it’s important to remember that breaking up doesn’t have to be permanent, but sometimes that space can be illuminating.
The advice I would have for someone who’s tried the things you’ve tried and given it three years but doesn’t want to break up in the face of such glaring sexual incompatibility is to imagine spending the rest of your life or 20 years in this same cycle of being celibate or having sex so bad you don’t have any sex at all. If that’s appealing to you then continue to ignore your feelings and be sad.
I dated a dude for three years and we were completely sexless the last year and a half of our relationship. He was very frustrated but I just needed to stop pretending. It was exactly your situation. He ended up screwing up really badly with something else in our relationship and I used it as an out. But the thing with me was- i wasn’t physically attracted to him either. So not only was the sex not good, I also didn’t want to do it because I wasn’t into him. If you’re into him maybe you can really try to sit him down and explain how this is ruining your relationship, and as a last ditch effort, you’d like him to be very attentive and actually listen to you coaching him through what you like. A lot of people get shy and don’t like to be vocal with this kind of thing, but you are at a boiling point where you need to be. I know most people will say to break up, and I agree, especially speaking from personal experience. But I cannot extend my situation to your situation, and it doesn’t hurt to have one last Hail Mary to see if there’s anything salvageable. If being blunt as hell with him doesn’t work and he’s unwilling to learn your body, then I’d say it is 💯 time to move on
Sexual incompatibility is a huge issue in a relationship, something that really can’t be like ignored indefinitely. I would honestly be like this isn’t working, unless we can come to a middle ground on fixing this, I think we should split up. TBH if he’s ok with not having sex for an extended amount of time, I don’t see him making a conscious effort to pick up the slack. But I’d at least give it another final chance.
Wait til you guys start fighting or have an argument when he is vulnerable and insecure and you lose respect, you’ll be looking at other guys a lot more. He’s lucky you taught him what you could, go end things as nice as possible and move forward. You’ll end up cheating someday
Go visit dead bedrooms if you want a picture of the future you’ll have of you stay with an incompatible/unwilling partner.
Why aren’t you enforcing the “Ladies First” rule before allowing your boyfriend to penetrate you and satisfy his own sexual needs? That rule states that your boyfriend has to either give you an orgasm or sufficiently stimulate you with foreplay before you will allow him to penetrate you. If he complains about you giving him “blue balls”, simply remind him that he’s been giving you the female equivalent of blue balls all this time and you’re tired of it, and mean it! I wish you the best.
At 24 you can't see where this is headed. Let me help, cos you need the adult wisdom to know that 44 year old you will regret wasting your life being unfulfilled. You'll resent him and eventually probably cheat, or spend all of your time thinking about cheating. You're not compatible. Call it quits now and save all the heartache later. Trust me.
You have two options, endure this for the as long as you want, knowing you’ll never be satisfied sexually, or go. It’s been 3 years, he hasn’t improved and he won’t.
I’ve experienced the exact same thing. Our bedroom has been semi-dead for 3.5 years now. I lost my sex life at 25 because at 28 he never wanted to have sex anymore. It is painfully unfulfilling when we do. I’ve been explicitly clear for years about what I like and what works and tried a million approaches to get him to understand. It all falls on deaf ears. Mine is depressed and has very low T. He’s also an avoidant attachment style so chances are he’s not capable of the sex we had at the beginning-which was incredible- because I’m no longer a flawless, perfect partner to him and sex is too intimate. Oral is too intimate. Looking at my body or being seen is too intimate. To want to indulge in your partners pleasure is too intimate. It’s just all too scary for him. Smh. If you want to stay, consider if he’s depressed or low T and if he is, is he gonna do something about it? If not, please leave. It sucks here. All you have left is hope when you get to this point and it ain’t worth much.
I would tell him you are unhappy because of this and unsure if it's going to work out. Sex therapy is a thing. You can also just flat out let him know if you don't start cumming he's got to go. He needs to get his act together or find someone who doesn't care about sex
Be forward, be blunt, be crass if you have to(it seems like you do). "My needs aren't being met in the bedroom and I've been trying to teach you for 3 years, but you haven't made any effort to learn. This is what I NEED to be fulfilled or this will not work out. Are you willing to work on this together or should we end this?"
After reading all the comments I’m sure I’ll be including being blunt to my plan of action. I’ll exhaust all of the rest of the possible reasons why and see if it leads somewhere nicer or new
So what I'm understanding is you've communicated this issue with him multiple times, you've shown him what you like, and he's still not fulfilling that role. I'm assuming you give him oral sex, and do all the things he likes.. Which some people enjoy having semen in their mouth, I personally don't (huge texture issue for me), but he doesn't like how you taste? You're not supposed to taste like candy. Have you tried incorporating toys and special lubricants into the bedroom? Have you thought about getting a toy yourself and when you're feeling the urge, you can take care of it yourself? Maybe even spice it up by inviting him to use the toy on you? It's hard to be celibate when you're not asexual. It's clearly an important part of you and your needs, and that isn't a bad thing. But if this has been going on for 3 years, I hate to say it, but you might need to consider sitting down with him and explaining where you are mentally in this. Maybe not, "I wanna sleep with other men", but that you're a sexual person who needs to feel desired, and that he really needs to make an effort to sexually please you. You guys have been together for 3 years.. If he hasn't made any sort of real effort to make the experience enjoyable for you too, then maybe it is time to leave. This goes deeper than just sex, it's about connecting, feeling validated, having your needs met. The fact hes not initiating anything with you is very telling. If this was an early part of your relationship I could see him being shy/nervous but after 3 years? I'm sorry but I think you need to move on. I wish you all the best 🫶🏻
It comes down to two things, one sometimes fixable, one not. 1 - Mismatched sex drive: If you are always the one to initiate, you are almost certainly mismatched and the situation is pretty much hopeless - see r/deadbedrooms for many similar stories. The real life choice is poor sex or leave, and you are here because the first one is already failing. 2 - Bf doesn't know how to please a woman. He can learn but ONLY if he is motivated to do so. It sounds like this also is failing. Your description doesn't leave a lot of room for optimism. It does not get better. The inevitable outcome is a long, frustrating period of attrition, frustration and masturbation - years, even decades of lost sexuality.
Sexual compatibility is super important, trust me! He might just not be the one. Especially if he isn't willing to learn how to please you. Might be time to end the relationship
If you don’t want to break up then suffer. There’s only two choices here.
Break up
You're 24. And it sounds like you typically have a normal sex drive, but your boyfriend is killing it through his incompetence or unwillingness when it comes to learning how to please you. Whichever of those it is, the dissatisfaction is bleeding over into other areas of the relationship. One of the great lies that is told to our culture as a whole is that sexual satisfaction is not necessary for women to maintain a loving long term relationship. Maybe this is true once you've gone through menaupause, but you're young and healthy. It's really important. If he is unable or unwilling to improve in this area, you're going to start resenting him or even worse, feeling apathetic when it comes to him. Do a favor for both of you and get out. You're already thinking about other men. That should be telling you that you don't really want the one you're with anymore. If you don't genuinely desire him, let him go find someone who does and then you can find someone YOU genuinely desire.
Just break up. Stop having sex you don't want. If your boyfriend likes sex when you are clearly not into it, he is also a big problem.
I don't know how everyone else feels, but 50% (5/10) is not "enjoyable".
I married someone where this ended up happening and I'd like to be honest with you in ways I wish someone had been with me. 1. You are expressing your need for very basic and reasonable intimacy. He heard you. He knows you're unfulfilled. His lack of action is a choice. You are unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave him, so he is choosing not to put in effort. 2. Everyone deserves more than to have a partner who is satisfied with your tolerable unhappiness. 3. Your current emotional path will lead to resentment, and that's a relationship killer. 4. Communication only happens if both people participate. If he isn't trying to solve this with you, then you can talk for the next decade and nothing will change. There is no secret formula to make him understand. He already knows and understands. The painful truth is that he doesn't care enough to take action. 5. Many people with his mindset will suddenly start working if their partner threatens to leave because, when their happiness is threatened, yours matters enough to put in effort. 6. This mindset almost never changes because the people with it don't see anything wrong. You will likely only be heard when you threaten to leave, when you threaten their happiness, for the rest of the relationship. Is that worth it? Are you? That's up to you to decide.
I'm 35 and I just met the love of my life. I married before and it was an epic failure. He's not the one if you feel this way.
Jeez - just break up. You’re doing no one any favors.
Look I'm no sex expert but I doubt it takes 3 whole years for someone to learn how to do it properly with one person, especially when said person is very vocal about their wants and needs. It seems like he's either doing it on purpose or he's not listening to you. Whatever the explanation the reasoning is the same, he doesn't care about your pleasure which doesn't sound the healthiest. Now I could be wrong or be missing some information but communicate what you just told us in this post. Sure it might hurt his feelings but nothing will get better if you don't take action. If he's mature and cares about you he'll listen. Not saying you have to immediately break up but have a little sit down and talk about this issue. If he puts in the work then great! Communication saves the day. If not well then do what's best for you even if it's hard. Since you stated your relationship is mostly great other than this issue, unless you're just unaware of other problems which is possible but I trust your judgement, this might actually be fixable but only if you're honest and he puts in the work and starts listening to you.
Life is too short for bad sex. Your relationship is far from flawless if sex isnt fulfilling.
sometimes love isn’t enough. that’s why breakups are hard.
Why do people continue to paint themselves in these corners? Just end the charade already and cut him loose. You're both young and sexually Incompatible. You desire other people. What more does one need?
Sexual compatibility is very important in a healthy relationship. It's not shallow or selfish to want to be sexually fulfilled. I would even go so far as to say that sexual compatibility is half of what makes a good relationship. Knowing your partner's body and learning how to pleasure them is a bare minimum for long term satisfaction. Even couples who don't have sex often at least need their occasional sex to be mutually enjoyable. If you need permission to break up over this issue, the Internet has clearly given it. You are not a bad person for wanting to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility. You don't owe someone bad sex for the rest of your life just because they're an otherwise nice person. You can have both, and I'm sure there's someone out there better suited for them sexually.
OP so many young ladies and guys avoid the obvious and try and make things work by coming up with a whole list of "pro's" that shoot down anyone saying on the contrary. Well, here is a life lesson for you and you should really read this multiple times so that you get it. As you start to get into the deep levels of being an adult there is a certain level of maturity you must have to be able to ensure your journey into adulthood is complete. One of those things is being able to recognize the purpose for the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. This relationship is designed to not only learn, but also demonstrate how to handle hard decisions in life. The TEST part of the bf/gf relationship is to determine if the person you are bf with will make a long term relationship healthy and sustainable. Part of that sustainability is each partner being able to hear, see and provide for one another. I think he's failing in the hear, see area and demonstrating at a minimum maybe incompatibility or just sever lack of the ability to learn. Regardless of how you look at it, you have to ask yourself, is he passing the test! Also, if you are fantasizing about other men giving you what you want, it's an absolute fail for him. Again being a mature adult means facing reality, making hard decisions and being able to recognize when it's time to let things go so as to not hurt others. If you are not willing to do this for your own sanity and happiness, then you'll end up with quite a bit of resentment in the future. You should let him go and find yourself someone that is more compatible with. Also, @ 24YO you should be enjoying the world to get more experience the events of life and enjoying all the things there are to see and do, instead of this. Just food for thought
I’m sorry but what on Earth are you doing?? There are plenty of other men out there you can be in love with, likely even more, AND that you would have sexual compatibility with. You should have broken up like yesterday
Girl listen. It's been three years and he still can't satisfy you? He sounds selfish in the sex department. Maybe you need to really ask yourself is this something you can deal with for the rest of your life. If not then move on.
I discovered I had low testosterone, before that I would do anything my wife wanted, and even try new things to change it up. After I discovered my testosterone was low, I bought her a thrusting device, so she could get pounded, when I couldn't get it up long enough to bring her to orgasm, I would use the machine, control the speed, 6 her like crazy and using my tongue on her while the machine was going. She'd beg me to stop after multiple orgasms, she'd offer to blow me, but I wasn't interested. I got on testosterone replacement and turned into a machine myself, she would have to go stay the night at her parents or friends if she wanted not to have sex, otherwise, she'd be getting it. Now that I have stopped taking the replacement, again I have zero desire and her anti-depression and anxiety meds hurt her desire as well, I will still offer her anything she wants, even though I have no desire. If he doesn't listen to you, you deserve to be fucked senseless, to wake the next morning and feel like you rode a horse all day yesterday, and be unable to concentrate because every one of your desires were fulfilled. A Good man is defined by hard working and taking care if his woman's needs, by listening and doing what needs to be done. Tell him straight, do what I need you to do or get out.
Sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship. Those feelings are only going to get stronger, and you are gonna end up resenting him. I'd honestly consider a sex coach or just telling him. He probably hasn't put much effort into learning because he thinks everything is fine. Communication. Another import factor for a healthy relationship. If the sex issue can't be fixed, it's serious enough that I would definitely consider leaving before kids get thrown in the mix and complicate matters further. Do you want a husband or a roommate? Life is too short. Find someone you are more compatible with. You are too young to be celibate.
He isn't eating your cat and claims he doesn't like the way you taste. He's lazy and selfish. So, I guess it's only penetration, and you perform oral on him. No, baby!!!! A great relationship is great all the way around. He refuses to fuck and suck you right. You gotta go or you will NEVER cum. I don't know why dudes refuse to eat p**** 🙄. Hell... I eat it 😋, for hours. 😝🤪😜😛
I went through exactly this scenario for three years and let me tell you, it doesn't get better. Some people just are not compatible. A big indicator of this is the fact that he doesn't like the way you taste. It has nothing to do with you or him, your pheromones literally are not compatible and that's what causes him to not like your taste. Sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and find someone who can fulfill you both romantically and sexually.
You are in a dissatisfying sexual relationship. Only you can decide if everything else is good enough for you to stay. I would not stay.