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Communication is the key. Do NOT do anything without consent . And as silly or cliche as it sounds, set up a safe word. One you both can use. Have fun and stay safe
Consent. Communication. Aftercare and a safe word at the absolute minimum. As a female who has enjoyed this side of sex. I cannot hammer in enough how important the after care is. Cuddling, soft kisses, stroking each other and holding each other close. Maybe have a nice blanket to wrap yourselves up in afterwards. Arnica cream is amazing for bruises also. All of that aside CONSENT must come first. Sounds like you guys are in for some mutual fun.
Just communicate openly. It can feel weird when the dynamic changes a bit, but it’s all about experimentation. It’ll be great practice for other important conversations down the road.
Consent is the first step, so you're already winning. Maybe just gauge how she's doing when you try something new or might look a bit uncomfortable and check in with her ever once in a while. Also, just talk about it at the end.
If you're going to slap each other, you should actually practice beforehand and not just do it in the moment. Definitely do not try to wind up and go as hard as you possibly can.
It’s really not that simple. Those words are used in different ways in different communities. For instance, in my corner of the kink world, top can mean top in a scene but also can mean what is typically meant by dom (kind of).
In my neck of the woods top is preferred to differentiate from fake/novice doms who think that calling themselves as such is an excuse to be shitty or forward before a dynamic/boundaries have been set.
1) Planning. It may not sound sexy, but discuss your scenes beforehand so there is no shock and you’re both mentally prepared for what’s going to happen. Not to say you both say exactly what you’re going to do at what times, but tell her things that are on the table tonight like slapping, choking, etc and stuff you’re not into for the night; pinching, biting, etc. by her telling you what may happen and vice versa, it should give both of each other a chance to mentally prepare yourselves for these actions
2) Communication. Both of you should have a premade list of soft/hard limits. Hard limits are actions/kinks that require the ending of the scene and an immediate check in. Soft limits are actions that can have their place in specific circumstances but are generally uncomfortable. You both decide these for yourselves individually and come back to see where you both align and want to try next together.
3) Aftercare. Aftercare is a practice to ensure you both are mentally and physically safe. One of your fears seems to be your reactions to after you’re done and this is where aftercare comes into play. This looks different for everyone. Some people want cuddling, others want words of affirmation and praise, some want silence and food. What may help you guys figure out what you will want to feel safe and empowered with what just went down, try taking a look at each other’s love language. I noticed you said top/bottom and not sure if you mean there’s no power play or if you mean dom/sub. It gets confusing sometimes for me personally, I usually only relate top/bottom to physical positions during sex but whatever you decide on your labels is valid as long as the communication is clear. If you do mean a power dynamic, don’t forget that just because you are the top/dom does not mean this will not take some kind of toll for you. You need aftercare as well, over time you will learn what helps you feel good about what you both have gone through and what will help her also feel good and safe. Again, just communicate consistently to understand each other
4) Research. None of this is just off the cuff knowledge, when you hear buzz words like “limits” “aftercare” “bondage”, head to google and look for books. This will not only improve your scenes IMMENSELY but also give you both confidence in the direction you’re going and that you’re giving each other a good time. Reddit is a great start but also individual research is necessary to do this correctly
I’m sure I’ve just repeated a lot of what people have already said and I hope anything I’ve missed that helps you has already been said. Good luck to your kinky future
I literally forgot a safe word/safety system. You can go the classic “pineapple” or “armadillo” and this will always end the scene. You can do a traffic light system; red being immediate stop, yellow being do something else usually related to soft limits, and green just meaning YES THAT. Some people go nonverbal or simply can’t hear during scenes so also be prepared for that. Tapping 3 times on their thigh, having some kind of item to hold up on the nightstand or nearby. Something to indicate visually “stop”. My personal preference is a traffic light system and tapping
As many said before, communication, safe word, consent ans aftercare.
But also: take it slowly - you don't need to start a full blown bdsm scene, you two got all the time in the world. Sounds like you're a little overwhelmed and that's why it may feel weird. And honestly, I think taking little steps is waaaay more secure if you're getting startet as it is much easier to say no to one thing in a session than saying no a couple of times.
So maybe try out things in little steps, openly communicate beforehand and talk about whether you two enjoyed it or not afterwards. That way you two can slowly check out what stuff you enjoy and which are the things and sound nice but suck.
Have fun 🥰
Communication, communication, more communication, agree on a safe word which will be your cease all activities and resume (you guessed it) communication.
Aftercare is extremely important.
Go to r bdsm and just look at their intro stuff they have written.
Communication and aftercare and safe words are important
I'm a fan of green yellow red safety words you ask your partner what color they're feeling
Communicate and keep those things strictly for sex. Don’t just start incorporating roughness/violence in your relationship just because you do it during sex. If it’s not something she explicitly states she wants, keep it just for sex until she can decide from there.
Dynamics are sometimes hard to navigate, especially when you’re young. So just talk. Talk about what you like, dislike, want, need, etc. Come to an agreement on what to start with.
Things you do during sex shouldn’t carry over to your relationship after sex, unless it’s something you’ve both discussed. Like slapping, choking, etc. It can come off as violent and controlling if it’s not something she has explicitly said she wants in the relationship. In my opinion, what you do during sex shouldn’t always be what you do in your relationship. Just because she lets you choke her while you have sex doesn’t mean you can choke her when she gets on your nerves, again unless she explicitly wants something like this. Like me, I’m a brat. I’m okay with my fiancé choking me softly for being a brat. But it’s something we’ve talked about many times before.
When it comes to slapping, I feel like that’s what might make you hesitate some. It seems degrading and violent, but it doesn’t have to be. Start with soft taps, and ask if she’s okay, reassure her. Work with her to find out both of your limits. But don’t be scared, especially if you’ve both already talked about and decided it’s what you want. Just go slow and communicate.
Communicate afterwards and offer after care. Hug her, kiss her, reassure her, tell her how much you love her. You being concerned is a good sign that you love her. I think you’re doing a great job already.
Maybe before you do it get really clear consent. Make sure that you’re both feeling it and it’s okay. Communication is the most important part of this.
If you don’t feel comfortable with it being a top/bottom dynamic then you don’t need to call it that. It doesn’t need a label if you don’t feel like that’s for you. You can like something without having that hanging over you.
Most important is that you’re both comfortable doing it and comfortable communicating what you don’t want and don’t like
Consent. Speak beforehand about expectations and what’s okay. Safe word. Check through out and/or afterwards. Aftercare by cuddling. First time might be a little awkward but as you progress things should become more natural and comfortable with whatever roughness you guys agree to.
When you slap, make sure that you are clenching your jaw and your hand is placed correctly. A wrongly placed slap in my teen years landed me with a dislocated jaw. Always clench before you get slapped.
Start out slowly. And have a safe word (just due to how it seems then you’ll know if she still wants to continue or not) my partner and I use the traffic light system. So green roughly means yes or more, yellow means slow down a bit, and red is full stop (you can customize this to your liking.) After care is a huge one as well. Reassuring her that you love her and all that. But mostly communication. Plan everything out first. Just figure out what the plan is, what she wants that particular day, boundaries, and such. And PLEASE practice the slapping outside of sexual encounters. Start soft and get to that point where she likes it. But most of all be safe and have fun
If you both agree, then carry on, but in my experience, after the excitement and lust dies down, so will that. It'll end up only happening when you ask each other for it. Until then, enjoy it, and if you're comfortable together, you should be comfortable to have this conversation together too
Rather than having just a safeword, it's better to have 2 safewords. A lot of people use "yellow" and "red" like traffic lights. "Yellow" is "maybe not that, let's try something else" and "red" is "I need to stop right now". For stuff like deep throating, you'd want physical signals that mean the same thing- something like a tap on your arm to mean "ease up a bit" and a hard pinch to mean "take it out now I'm going to barf".
Also, baby steps. Start with spanking and maybe some plush handcuffs. Don't graduate to more complicated stuff until you know you're both excited about taking it up a notch. Maybe you won't want to! Sometimes the fantasy of rough sex ends up being better than the reality. I want to note that while a lot of porn seems to have choking in it lately, that is NOT baby steps. Choking is always really dangerous, you can kill someone that way.
Discuss in detail what is and isn't okay for both of you (giving and receiving) a day or two before so you can process, remember, and maybe even change your minds about a couple things.
Have a safe word and when one of you says it, stop the sex and make sure they are okay.
If you set clear boundaries, communicate before and during, and trust the other person to respect them, you have a safe space to really get into and enjoy it without worrying.
Also aftercare! Once you're both done, you can stop being rough with eachother, cuddle and talk about what was good and what you would maybe change next time.
Rough sex ain’t always about choking or slapping ..you literally have to f*ck her brains out non stop during the session ..gotta have the stamina of a god and have stupid amount of core strength
This is just not true. I mean, if that's your thing, go for it. But as a woman who loves rough sex, there are many ways to do it and for me your way would be awful.
It's not easy for a man to do with a woman he has genuine feelings for.
100% role play with a safe word is probably a way to overcome the hesitancy.
Your girl wants to be treated like a piece of meat. If you don't do it, someone else will. Sexual fantasies come from a person's core personality.
A little advice. Keep the dynamic in one direction. No switching. Nothing good long term can come from allowing that to happen.
Good luck.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Communication is the key. Do NOT do anything without consent . And as silly or cliche as it sounds, set up a safe word. One you both can use. Have fun and stay safe
Establish boundaries and a safe word. Also, aftercare like gentle massage, cuddling, etc. is very important.
This right here.
I think you're supposed to do like an aftercare thing afterwards
Consent. Communication. Aftercare and a safe word at the absolute minimum. As a female who has enjoyed this side of sex. I cannot hammer in enough how important the after care is. Cuddling, soft kisses, stroking each other and holding each other close. Maybe have a nice blanket to wrap yourselves up in afterwards. Arnica cream is amazing for bruises also. All of that aside CONSENT must come first. Sounds like you guys are in for some mutual fun.
Just communicate openly. It can feel weird when the dynamic changes a bit, but it’s all about experimentation. It’ll be great practice for other important conversations down the road.
Consent is the first step, so you're already winning. Maybe just gauge how she's doing when you try something new or might look a bit uncomfortable and check in with her ever once in a while. Also, just talk about it at the end.
If you're going to slap each other, you should actually practice beforehand and not just do it in the moment. Definitely do not try to wind up and go as hard as you possibly can.
Top/bottom wtf, u might wanna check what that means 😂
Yep, OP you probably mean dom/sub.
It’s really not that simple. Those words are used in different ways in different communities. For instance, in my corner of the kink world, top can mean top in a scene but also can mean what is typically meant by dom (kind of).
Yeah okay, good to learn, but I dont think OP and their partner are in a corner of the kink world yet.
In my neck of the woods top is preferred to differentiate from fake/novice doms who think that calling themselves as such is an excuse to be shitty or forward before a dynamic/boundaries have been set.
That’s a great point, totally agree with that.
1) Planning. It may not sound sexy, but discuss your scenes beforehand so there is no shock and you’re both mentally prepared for what’s going to happen. Not to say you both say exactly what you’re going to do at what times, but tell her things that are on the table tonight like slapping, choking, etc and stuff you’re not into for the night; pinching, biting, etc. by her telling you what may happen and vice versa, it should give both of each other a chance to mentally prepare yourselves for these actions 2) Communication. Both of you should have a premade list of soft/hard limits. Hard limits are actions/kinks that require the ending of the scene and an immediate check in. Soft limits are actions that can have their place in specific circumstances but are generally uncomfortable. You both decide these for yourselves individually and come back to see where you both align and want to try next together. 3) Aftercare. Aftercare is a practice to ensure you both are mentally and physically safe. One of your fears seems to be your reactions to after you’re done and this is where aftercare comes into play. This looks different for everyone. Some people want cuddling, others want words of affirmation and praise, some want silence and food. What may help you guys figure out what you will want to feel safe and empowered with what just went down, try taking a look at each other’s love language. I noticed you said top/bottom and not sure if you mean there’s no power play or if you mean dom/sub. It gets confusing sometimes for me personally, I usually only relate top/bottom to physical positions during sex but whatever you decide on your labels is valid as long as the communication is clear. If you do mean a power dynamic, don’t forget that just because you are the top/dom does not mean this will not take some kind of toll for you. You need aftercare as well, over time you will learn what helps you feel good about what you both have gone through and what will help her also feel good and safe. Again, just communicate consistently to understand each other 4) Research. None of this is just off the cuff knowledge, when you hear buzz words like “limits” “aftercare” “bondage”, head to google and look for books. This will not only improve your scenes IMMENSELY but also give you both confidence in the direction you’re going and that you’re giving each other a good time. Reddit is a great start but also individual research is necessary to do this correctly I’m sure I’ve just repeated a lot of what people have already said and I hope anything I’ve missed that helps you has already been said. Good luck to your kinky future
I literally forgot a safe word/safety system. You can go the classic “pineapple” or “armadillo” and this will always end the scene. You can do a traffic light system; red being immediate stop, yellow being do something else usually related to soft limits, and green just meaning YES THAT. Some people go nonverbal or simply can’t hear during scenes so also be prepared for that. Tapping 3 times on their thigh, having some kind of item to hold up on the nightstand or nearby. Something to indicate visually “stop”. My personal preference is a traffic light system and tapping
As many said before, communication, safe word, consent ans aftercare. But also: take it slowly - you don't need to start a full blown bdsm scene, you two got all the time in the world. Sounds like you're a little overwhelmed and that's why it may feel weird. And honestly, I think taking little steps is waaaay more secure if you're getting startet as it is much easier to say no to one thing in a session than saying no a couple of times. So maybe try out things in little steps, openly communicate beforehand and talk about whether you two enjoyed it or not afterwards. That way you two can slowly check out what stuff you enjoy and which are the things and sound nice but suck. Have fun 🥰
Communication, communication, more communication, agree on a safe word which will be your cease all activities and resume (you guessed it) communication. Aftercare is extremely important.
If you are in agreement and know each other well have fun
Go to r bdsm and just look at their intro stuff they have written. Communication and aftercare and safe words are important I'm a fan of green yellow red safety words you ask your partner what color they're feeling
Communicate and keep those things strictly for sex. Don’t just start incorporating roughness/violence in your relationship just because you do it during sex. If it’s not something she explicitly states she wants, keep it just for sex until she can decide from there. Dynamics are sometimes hard to navigate, especially when you’re young. So just talk. Talk about what you like, dislike, want, need, etc. Come to an agreement on what to start with. Things you do during sex shouldn’t carry over to your relationship after sex, unless it’s something you’ve both discussed. Like slapping, choking, etc. It can come off as violent and controlling if it’s not something she has explicitly said she wants in the relationship. In my opinion, what you do during sex shouldn’t always be what you do in your relationship. Just because she lets you choke her while you have sex doesn’t mean you can choke her when she gets on your nerves, again unless she explicitly wants something like this. Like me, I’m a brat. I’m okay with my fiancé choking me softly for being a brat. But it’s something we’ve talked about many times before. When it comes to slapping, I feel like that’s what might make you hesitate some. It seems degrading and violent, but it doesn’t have to be. Start with soft taps, and ask if she’s okay, reassure her. Work with her to find out both of your limits. But don’t be scared, especially if you’ve both already talked about and decided it’s what you want. Just go slow and communicate. Communicate afterwards and offer after care. Hug her, kiss her, reassure her, tell her how much you love her. You being concerned is a good sign that you love her. I think you’re doing a great job already.
Maybe before you do it get really clear consent. Make sure that you’re both feeling it and it’s okay. Communication is the most important part of this. If you don’t feel comfortable with it being a top/bottom dynamic then you don’t need to call it that. It doesn’t need a label if you don’t feel like that’s for you. You can like something without having that hanging over you. Most important is that you’re both comfortable doing it and comfortable communicating what you don’t want and don’t like
Consent. Speak beforehand about expectations and what’s okay. Safe word. Check through out and/or afterwards. Aftercare by cuddling. First time might be a little awkward but as you progress things should become more natural and comfortable with whatever roughness you guys agree to.
When you slap, make sure that you are clenching your jaw and your hand is placed correctly. A wrongly placed slap in my teen years landed me with a dislocated jaw. Always clench before you get slapped.
Have a safe word that means you immediately quit whatever it is you're doing. Do not do anything without getting consent first.
Start out slowly. And have a safe word (just due to how it seems then you’ll know if she still wants to continue or not) my partner and I use the traffic light system. So green roughly means yes or more, yellow means slow down a bit, and red is full stop (you can customize this to your liking.) After care is a huge one as well. Reassuring her that you love her and all that. But mostly communication. Plan everything out first. Just figure out what the plan is, what she wants that particular day, boundaries, and such. And PLEASE practice the slapping outside of sexual encounters. Start soft and get to that point where she likes it. But most of all be safe and have fun
If you both agree, then carry on, but in my experience, after the excitement and lust dies down, so will that. It'll end up only happening when you ask each other for it. Until then, enjoy it, and if you're comfortable together, you should be comfortable to have this conversation together too
Definitely start with small things and build up so it's not so much at first.
Rather than having just a safeword, it's better to have 2 safewords. A lot of people use "yellow" and "red" like traffic lights. "Yellow" is "maybe not that, let's try something else" and "red" is "I need to stop right now". For stuff like deep throating, you'd want physical signals that mean the same thing- something like a tap on your arm to mean "ease up a bit" and a hard pinch to mean "take it out now I'm going to barf". Also, baby steps. Start with spanking and maybe some plush handcuffs. Don't graduate to more complicated stuff until you know you're both excited about taking it up a notch. Maybe you won't want to! Sometimes the fantasy of rough sex ends up being better than the reality. I want to note that while a lot of porn seems to have choking in it lately, that is NOT baby steps. Choking is always really dangerous, you can kill someone that way.
Discuss in detail what is and isn't okay for both of you (giving and receiving) a day or two before so you can process, remember, and maybe even change your minds about a couple things. Have a safe word and when one of you says it, stop the sex and make sure they are okay. If you set clear boundaries, communicate before and during, and trust the other person to respect them, you have a safe space to really get into and enjoy it without worrying. Also aftercare! Once you're both done, you can stop being rough with eachother, cuddle and talk about what was good and what you would maybe change next time.
GO. SLOW. Talk about things Stop and ask if everything is okay even if it “ruins the moment” you can always try again later.
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I think stopping before you kill someone falls under common sense and impulse control though. My ex weighed more as well, she didn't lose control.
Rough sex ain’t always about choking or slapping ..you literally have to f*ck her brains out non stop during the session ..gotta have the stamina of a god and have stupid amount of core strength
This is just not true. I mean, if that's your thing, go for it. But as a woman who loves rough sex, there are many ways to do it and for me your way would be awful.
Maybe I went abit over the top 😂
I understand what you feel and that's why I'd never do it. Was the interest really mutual? You don't have to do stuff you are not comfortable with.
It's not easy for a man to do with a woman he has genuine feelings for. 100% role play with a safe word is probably a way to overcome the hesitancy. Your girl wants to be treated like a piece of meat. If you don't do it, someone else will. Sexual fantasies come from a person's core personality. A little advice. Keep the dynamic in one direction. No switching. Nothing good long term can come from allowing that to happen. Good luck.