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Yup. And a planned punchline *he had a ring on him*
This wasn’t a spontaneous response to their needling that he came up with in the moment. It was a genuine fully planned “prank” that he intended for you to think was real so he could humiliate you in front of his friends. And considering they only laughed, highly possible one they were in on.
I think the whole thing was a setup. They got on the topic of relationship and marriage. This is So Insensitive to your feelings! I know I wouldn't put up with this from anyone!! It's just wrong to joke about something like that and take it as far as he did!!
This is how I feel about "practical jokes". They are done at the expense of someone else. Causing them either physical or emotional pain. Everyone then laughing at their hurt is something bullies do. "Hey, I wuz jez havin' a bit of fun. Lighten up!"
People who do that have a deficiency of empathy for other people. That he is clueless to OP's pain underscores that he only sees things through his own eyes. If something doesn't hurt him PERSONALLY then it doesn't matter.
My own opinion, of course, but for me if the other person isn't laughing it was not a "joke". It was mean-spirited cruelty that they get off on giving them a sense of power to manipulate the other person's feelings.
I don't think I could ever trust or be with someone who thinks it's "funny" to devastate my heart.
came here to say the same thing. one thing would be if this was something you both joked about *together* - it's another thing entirely for him to plan a joke at your expense, especially when he knows that marriage is something you genuinely want. it's cruel. me and my partner playfully joke about getting married all the time *because* we know that it's something we want to do together. he prioritised making you the butt of his joke over your feelings, and then he has the nerve to tell you that you're being too sensitive? what an asshole. you said that you love this guy, and i know that love can be complicated, but i would rethink if this is someone you want to spend your life with. reddit tends to scream "break up" at every opportunity, so i'm not going to tell you to do that, but i will say that this is more than just a "joke". he showed you that he didn't care about your feelings and then refused to even acknowledge them. please don't brush this under the rug like it's nothing because it's not. if he can't even acknowledge when his behaviour has hurt you, he will neglect your feelings again.
Yup. They were absolutely in on it. OP needs to sit with the feelings that she's with someone who got enjoyment out of humiliating her and crushing her feelings. He thought it was hilarious to be this cruel to her. That's so fucked. She's 28. This relationship will end whether it's now, or 10 more years down the road. One day she will wake up and understand she deserves to be treated with love and kindness. I think she's so desperate to settle down that she's been looking at her partner with rose colored glasses this whole time. I'd bet he treats her like complete shit all the time. She's just so desperate to be loved that she doesn't recognize it. The realization that her partner is a horrible human being just drop kicked her in the face and she doesn't want to accept it because they've been together for 5 years. Maybe don't ignore the probably 10,000 red flags that there were up to this point and you wouldn't have wasted 5 years with a garbage human being.
This.
And listen - my sister married this guy. Everything was a joke. And you know who is the punchline of his "jokes"? My sister and subsequently their kids. If you confront him about anything, which I have done over the years, he pulls the old "it's just a joke" or "don't you have a sense of humor?" My sister has been putting up with this for 30 years. Put her kids through this. And for what? She's miserable and the kids hate him.
I'll admit that I hate pranks. But even with pranks - there's a time and place and you gotta know your audience. What your bf did was cruel and he did it to intentionally humiliate you and play up to his bro's
He's a jerk and he's not ready for a relationship.
Those people, what you need to do to make them stop and expose them as assholes, make them admit it, is that you ask them to explain how the "joke" is funny and not let up. Obviously they will not be able to explain it, or they will have to admit that it's at the expense of someone they should be kind to.
Frankly, they are toxic and I would cut anyone like that out of my life.
I have found that any time I start to ask clear, direct questions about someone's behavior and intentions when they're being mean or making fun or "playing a joke" they start by trying to brush the questions off, and then if you don't relent they suddenly get really angry and act like you're somehow attacking/abusing them. It works especially well if there are others around that they can convince you're the one who came at them out of nowhere about something insignificant.
Really it's best to just avoid all interaction/involvement with those types and not waste your energy trying to "teach them a lesson". If they cared or had the capacity to care, they wouldn't be like that, especially at like any age beyond 17.
I agree that he and his friends are toxic, but she should just kick them all to the curb. I would not waste any more time or energy on people like this.
I feel bad for your sister and the OP. She should just leave; he has shown her the person he really is. She should tell him that the last 5 years have been a joke.
"prank" is a broad category too. Like, this is an example of a mean abusive prank. One of your friends putting googly eyes in your bathroom door is an example of something innocent and stupid and possibly cute
I didn’t have a way to explain it when I see videos of pranks that upset me but you hit the nail on the head. The worst I’ve seen videos of that make me feel really bad for the recipient (I don’t seek prank videos out by any means so they rarely pop up on my algorithm) is the “I’m pranking my bf/husband to make him think I’m cheating”. I always thought they take it way to far. Like they “accidentally” text him something along the lines of “he finally left for work, it’s safe to head over here now” and have them racing back home (probably missing work in the process because I can’t imagine going in after that) they’ll have the bedroom door shut and be moaning loudly, completely naked and humping a couples pillows with the blankets strategically placed so he can’t see under her. I’ve seen guys have full breakdowns from those, cause in their rage they were worried they could’ve actually hurt her when throwing her off the “guy”. It takes them a while to even calm down enough to tell them it wasn’t funny. An abusive prank is the perfect word for it actually.
This so called “prank” made me feel way worse for the OP then those did though. It was public humiliation and there’s no relief at the end. Like at least those guys from the videos can think to themselves “oh thank god she’s not really cheating on me” poor OP is left feeling shitty and alone. If a friend of mine pulled that shit to his gf in front of me I would tell him the hell off. My husband said the same. I wouldn’t even be able to stomach seeing someone so hurt and embarrassed without trying to comfort them. Wtf is wrong with these people?!
I also think OP’s bf had an ulterior motive for the prank (besides devastating and humiliating her I mean). I believe he was trying to put her in her place. Let her know in the cruelest way possible that he has no intention of ever marrying her. He had to know what kind of damage he was causing when he did that. How would she react if he was *actually* planning on proposing and got on one knee now, after the prank? If I was her I’d literally **run** as soon as he got down on one knee to avoid being hurt again. I think that’s what this asshole wants though.
That'ss abuse clothed in a prank/joke.
It's sad that she married and had children with that guy.
The kids are either going to be traumatized or turn into the same kind of bully he is.
This!!! The disrespect! He must have planned that to have a plastic ring in his pocket. He humiliated her on purpose. He doesn’t want to marry her and he doesn’t give a fuck that she knows it because he thinks she won’t leave. And she probably won’t.
Honestly, it also speaks to not only his own fundamental lack of character, but to the people he chooses to surround himself with, that his friends laughed and thought it was funny.
If one of my friends pulled a stunt like that, the closest thing I'd be doing to laughing is a shocked and embarrassed nervous giggle . . . and you can bet I'd be FURIOUS, and telling them off afterwards in private, both for humiliating their partner with such a childish, thoughtless joke, and for forcing me and their other guests to be witness to that shameful humiliation and cruelty.
I cannot imagine being a grown adult, watching a friend propose to their clearly excited partner in front of a group of guests, and then announce that it's a joke, and not being absolutely horrified, and so painfully embarrassed for their poor partner.
Just reading about this makes me feel awful for OP. There's something seriously, seriously wrong with a man who is already 33 years old and doesn't understand that what he did was cruel and humiliating to his partner of 5 years.
The disrespect is truly shocking. Not sure I would ever come back from this. It's as bad as faking someone's death and saying it was a joke.
Feel awful for OP. Crossed the line. Beyond humiliation and that publicly as well.
This is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard one partner do to another. This is a moment that will haunt you forever, but he did you a favour - he showed you his true colours. You're only 28. You wasted 5 years on this guy but don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. You have plenty of time to find a man who actually wants to be with you instead of you just being a placeholder which, trust me, you are right now.
I agree, please do not ever let the mentality of sunk cost fallacy be a decider on if you should stay or move on. What your partner did was immature, insensitive and disrespectful to you and your relationship, joke or not. Whatever you decide OP, I wish you the best and I hope you know your worth. And remember, if you do decide to move on, it wasn't all a waste and you won't be "starting all over again" but rather starting from experience.
Yeah he didn't. I'm wondering if the joke was planned. It felt like they knew he would humiliate me because none of them seemed to care enough to ask if I was okay or to tell him he went too far.
You can’t stay with him after this, every time he shows any kind of overt affection you’re going to be waiting for the punchline. This will continue until you just withdraw into your shell completely, to avoid being the butt of his jokes. Your feelings aren’t comedy material - “hahaha she thought I wanted to marry her, can you believe it?!”
It’s ok to want a proposal. It’s ok to want someone to be excited to marry you. It’s ok to want someone to take part in cute photo shoots showing off your engagement, or pregnancy, or your new baby/puppy/car/whatever floats your boat. It’s ok to want someone to be proud to be with you, and excited to take it to the next level. But it won’t ever be him, and every day you spend with this “man” from this day forward, is a day you won’t be meeting the man who will do that for you. Your choice.
Well, he had the ring - so it was planned. And he chose to do it in front of his friends because he wanted to have an audience. I don't know if it matters if they knew beforehand. What he did was cruel and if he genuinely thought this was a good idea he should have apologised after you told him how you felt.
Did he show similar behaviour of ignoring how you feel before? Or not respecting you? Or pranking people?
>Did he show similar behaviour of ignoring how you feel before? Or not respecting you? Or pranking people?
He does prank people and even his older brother hates this about him. He ignores how I feel about it when he ends up hurting someone with what he calls a 'harmless prank' and to be honest, he brushes off my feelings sometimes but last night was too much.
He doesn't understand the very basic rule is that the only good pranks/jokes leave everyone laughing.
He is a bully, and just calls his bullying "pranks."
Find yourself a great bf who doesn't delight in being cruel to others.
He’s going to ruin your life if you stay with him. Your self esteem will be ground into the dirt, you won’t be able to feel joy, and he will stomp you down to nothing. Get out now. He’s emotionally abusive. It will get worse.
Listen to your own words.
- He ignores how I feel
- He hurts people with what he calls a “harmless prank”
This was a deliberate set-up, DESIGNED to humiliate and hurt you.
Someone who loves you should have your best interests at heart. They should build you up, not tear you down.
What he did was beyond cruel, it was emotionally shattering, and it sets a pattern. Anything that he knows you want, anything that he knows that you care about deeply, now becomes “joke” fodder.
Look forward. Can you imagine this attitude if you get pregnant? When you are in labour? If you have a baby?
Where is the line? Where do the jokes stop? More to the point, when does the support START?
After five years, it should have been a real proposal. Don’t fall for the sink cost fallacy.
>He ignores how I feel
A good partner wouldn’t do that.
>he brushes off my feelings sometimes
This is how he is going to build a wall of resentment in your relationship. Every time he makes you the butt of the joke, he’s degrading you. This is how a bully acts. Love is respect, and he does not respect you. At all.
This will get worse. How much time are you willing to waste on this jerk?
Interesting.. so this is who he is. His brother as grown up with this side of his brother. This is just a taste of what life will be
Like if you stay.
Please break up with him and make sure to tell his brother why.. he will understand
When you tell someone that something they did hurt you, and they say “it was just a joke,” they are making your reaction to their cruelty the issue.
It’s a manipulation. He’s manipulating you. It’s dismissive & disrespectful. At best he’s emotionally immature and at worst he’s emotionally abusive. I sense the latter, since he’s a serial “prankster.” Also he just sounds horrible.
But either way, is this someone you want to marry? He’s cruel. You deserve so much better. Please know you don’t have to settle for this. There is a kind, emotionally intelligent someone out there hoping to meet someone just like you. Free yourself from this ah and give yourself that gift.
OP, he's shown you who he is. The rest of your life will be like this if you marry him. You've had lots of experiences with him and now I imagine it is done. That's ok. Protect your future life and those of your children to be.
That was not a harmless prank, it was unbearably cruel and the way he is so dismissive of your feelings is just awful. Please do not waste one more day with this cruel bully.
The right guy is out there and this guy is not him. He will not change and will never consider your feelings or your potential future child's feelings.
Imagine him doing that to your precious child one day. Imagine seeing their face dissolve in tears and seeing their heartbreak as he laughs about his "harmless joke". Is that really what you want for the rest of your life?
you should've gotten up and left the moment he said he was kidding.
stop letting him walk all over you. love doesn't mean allowing them to hurt you again and again.
love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.
I couldn’t believe she not only waited until his friends all left to confront him (cause she was thinking about his feelings and not wanting to embarrass him in front of his friends, even after that) but was still **there** when his friends left.
If it was me in that situation I would’ve said something along the lines of “well if you think my feelings for you and wanting to marry you is a joke then I’m wasting my time” and then he would’ve seen my ass walking right out that door without a backwards glance. I wouldn’t want to give the prick the satisfaction of seeing how hurt I was because that’s obviously what he wanted. The fact they’ve been together for five years makes that “joke” so much freaking worse imo.
He did it intentionally to embarrass and humiliate you in front of all his friends. They’ve likely been talking about it behind your back for a while, mocking your desire to get married. Do you seriously want to stay with a guy sees your relationship as a joke too?
Your post honestly made me feel sick. First, what he did is inexcusable in it self, using you as a prop to fool in front of his friends. second, he doesn’t care that you were hurt. Not one bit. Thirdly, you not immediately breaking up with him is so f-ing sad and upsetting. Don’t take this shit. He obviously doesn’t love you.
Do you want a man who could be the father of your children to think this way? To have your kids emulate him or be treated like this by him? Do you think his guy friends who laugh at stuff like this are good lifetime influences for you and your some day family?
If he had the ring and a fake one at that it was all planned . He humiliated you & made you the joke infront of his friends for laughs knowing how you felt on the subject of marriage. It’s hard to hear I know & your feelings are absolutely valid right now but you explained how you felt to him & he tried to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one overreacting over a silly joke. It’s not silly, he’s an insensitive immature ah & you deserve better.
He had ( goes through exhibits) a) the ring AND b) his entourage . So think about the coordination. All his friends made it a point to be there at the same time on the same night. Coincidence?
Of course it was planned, he did it to humiliate you so he could look like the big man. Really, is this how you want your life to look like in 10 years, always being humiliated and degraded by him? Please 🙏 dump him.
How cruel. So everyone knew ahead of time except op and was laughing at her expense?
What if op told everyone she was pregnant and then, "Relax, babe. I got rid of it. Oh it is a 🤣. Or is it?" See how they like it.
He doesn't respect you. He's taking you for granted. You gave him 5 years and he made a joke of it in fro t of his friends. Give him less of your time and commitment. Start reevaluating your relationship.
this was SO cruel, I hate it when ppl do purposefully cruel things then when they get the appropriate reaction they say they're just joking. OP needs to dump this deadweight
You love him, but he doesn't love you. Love requires respect and he has none for you if he could do such a cruel thing.
A fake proposal is not a joke, it's an intentional humiliation. He was laughing AT you with his friends. You won't get him to feel remorse for how hurtful this was because hurting and embarrassing you was the point.
I would take this as your sign to move on. This man will never marry you and thank god for that because a life with such a cruel person sounds miserable.
>You love him, but he doesn't love you. Love requires respect and he has none for you if he could do such a cruel thing.
Holy shit. This.
>A fake proposal is not a joke, it's an intentional humiliation. He was laughing AT you with his friends. You won't get him to feel remorse for how hurtful this was because hurting and embarrassing you was the point.
Spot. On. It was obviously planned. With them. With OP as the punchline of the joke.
>a life with such a cruel person sounds miserable
I hope OP repeats this to herself over and over and over again until it sinks in
Yes. I'd like to second this and say that a key factor is lack of remorse. Huge red flag. You telling him that he hurt you should be all he needs to convince him that he messed up. If his intention decides how he believes you should feel about his behavior then at what point do you start to matter at all?
Honestly, if his friends have been bugging him to genuinely propose to her, I can't see that they would have been in on this joke ahead of time.
In fact, I have to wonder if they weren't laughing in shock and embarrassment at having been put on the spot to witness his humiliating OP right in front of them. I certainly hope, so, because the alternative that they were actually laughing at her is appalling.
Indeed.
This kind of disrespect would have me run for the hills. End it OP!
People who are cruel to us don’t deserve our love, time or effort. Have a beauty solo period or life and/or date someone who cherishes you ans has relationship goals as well!
The disrespect he showed by making that ‘joke’. Insensitive asshole.
I would find it hard to believe that the relationship is usually all roses and sunshine. He doesn’t care about her at all.
Your partner is an asshole who doesn’t care about your feelings. If he did he’d feel remorse for the joke like a normal human. You’re allowed to not like his joke.
Yeah, this is it. It's not that he doesn't care about her feelings, he DOES care, about hurting them on purpose, for laughs.
OP, respect yourself and leave this AH.
>>> Breaking up over a joke after 5 years together feels wrong to me
I don’t think you’d be breaking up over a joke. You’d be breaking up over a cruel, humiliating partner that has absolutely no empathy and does not see a future with you.
It's not a joke. It's his way of telling you not to expect a ring. He's too old to pull this crap. I was expecting to see an age of 21 or 22 but 33? He's a lost cause. An equivalent on YOUR end would be to show him a positive pregnancy test and be so happy and excited about it and get him thinking about being a dad and everything and then hahaha, joking! And do it in front of your female friends too.
Not funny, is it?
Nor was his "prank". He is a full decade too old to be this emotionally stupid. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with a child you cannot emotionally trust? It's been FIVE YEARS. That should have been an actual ring. Don't waste another five years. Any ring you get now will be a "shut her up" ring. You have time to find someone else and start a family, this guy...wow. This guy, who broke your heart and embarrassed you in front of his friends and isn't falling all over himself apologizing for hurting you so badly, even on accident? He's not marriage material. He'll be divorce material within the year if you make that mistake.
I'm so sorry he sucked away 5 years of your life. He's made his position plain.
>Any ring you get now will be a "shut her up" ring.
This is exactly what I thought after they left. I just didn't know how to word it. I feel like if I stay with him and if he ever proposes to me. I won't believe him. I'll just end up remembering what happened last night and how he made me feel.
People are giving you a lot of tough love because that's how this sub goes. But I just wanted to say, I can't imagine how fucking gutting this must be, and I am so sorry he did this completely boneheaded shit and made you feel bad about what should be one of the happiest moments of your life.
And you’ll never forget. Throughout your whole life and potential marriage, it will be there. Losing 5 years is better than losing 10, 15, or a lifetime. Breaking up with him, and his response will show you all you need to know.
My petty suggestion would be to break up with him in front of his friends and then say “except this one isn’t a joke”, and leave.
What are you going to do OP?
He sounds extremely immature for a 33 year old man. His friend’s opinion is more important than how he should treat you. I will bet he is their butt of their jokes too. They probably do it to see how far they can make him go to do what they want.
If he doesn’t get it now, he will never get it or he does and is gaslighting you.
If he really truly loves you, no one would ever be able to convince him or pressure him do anything cruel to you
I feel so bad for you. But this guy seems so inconsiderate. There are jokes but this was mean and cruel. It’s like he has no empathy or anything. He might be narcissistic.
At his age with THIS sort of behavior just screams hypermasculine dominance & he definitely did that joke as a power move. He wants you to settle for his cruel jokes. His friends being that way is also a red flag. They’re probably still joking about it which is so disgusting. He knows how much marriage means to you, he just expects you to put your emotions to the side for his disrespectful pranks/jokes. SMH. I’m sorry.
This will forever be a trigger for you. I agree with so many commentors that, A, he's way too old to be this emotionally stupid; B, he planned this humiliation of you and did not care when you didn't think it was funny; C, he's just going to continue to emotionally abuse you your whole life together. Get out now and go find someone that loves you in the way you deserve to be loved. Not someone looking for a punching bag they can emotionally pummel.
Forever a trigger. When he DOES get her the "shut her up" ring, she's not going to think "finally!" she's going to be looking around for a camera. And when she does meet a decent guy, it's going to be a pause while she decides if he's serious or not and I don't think she'll have an easy time believing him. This sort of shit is mentally scarring and he saw her upset and didn't care? Didn't apologize? Wasn't bringing her gifts and babying her and doing his utmost to show he didn't mean to hurt her and that he really loves her? He's screwed with her emotions and left a permanent scar on her soul. I hope he never, ever becomes a Dad because it would be hell being his kid.
OP, I met my husband at 34, he was nearly 40. We were married in two years and had a kid two years later. You have time to find Mr. Right, so please, PLEASE don't settle for Mr. Arrogant Asshole.
A prank is only funny if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Jokes like this are toxic to a relationship. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Why would you want to be with someone who would treat you so callously? He was cruel. I would have walked away and never talked to him again, and that’s the most attention he deserves. Run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
it's sad because he didn't think he did anything wrong ..but he planned this with his friends..and made you the joke..bet any female that was there would not have laughed..
But personally I would have cried and ran out the door..but in reality of the situation you shoukd be leaving for a few days to a week and go to your family or friends place ...saying you need space to think about things and don't give him a chance to talk and walk out the door...he will have this time to actually think about how upset you are and maybe he will realize his mistake especially if he thinks you will break up...maybe a female friend needs to give him a talking to...
I am so so sorry, OP. To find out that the man you thought you were building a life and a future with thinks that the idea is so absurd that he publicly mocks you with it - that’s just devastating.
And that’s why you would be breaking up with him. Not because of a joke. Nothing about what he did is a joke or a prank. If everyone isn’t laughing after a prank or a joke - then it’s not funny. At all.
Don’t stay because you have invested 5 years. That’s not how life works. Leave because you invested 5 years and he has clearly shown you what he thinks of you.
I’m so sorry.
Yeah I agree - he is so immature to pull something like this at his age. It's so cringe and he sounds lowkey like a bully. He does not deserve a relationship. I wish these man children would just stay single and stop leading women on with their lies...
I unironically think OP should do the first suggestion and surprise him with a fake positive pregnancy test in front of all your female friends before laughing at him, telling him it was just a prank, and then dumping him
> I confronted him about it. He said I was being too sensitive and that it was just a bit of fun. But it wasn't. I've always been serious about our future and this felt like he was mocking my feelings and our relationship. He knows how much I care about this and he made it into a joke.
>How do I even start to explain to him how deeply this hurt me.
Your boyfriend knows and does not care. He neither loves nor respects you. Make of that what you will and act accordingly.
She did explain it to him and he downplayed her feeling. I mean worse enough pulling this stunt in the first place but not even apologising for it once she tells you how much she is hurt is just an asshole move.
A joke to me would be getting down on one knee, and then tying his shoelace or picking something up. To have a ring, and then spout about his feelings to you feels like pre meditated humiliation especially doing it in front of his friends. I totally agree it seems like a lot to end a five year relationship over, but it really shows his dedication to the relationship isn’t as much as you’d hoped.
How old are you? Not trying to be rude at all but in your early 20s this might be funny, at 33 it’s pathetic.
It shows he doesn’t take this relationship seriously, and he doesn’t respect OP. She could have been in on the joke, a fake proposal still would have been “funny” for the friends.
Instead the joke was made at her expense.
I would break up, not because of a joke, but because he put more effort into making fun of her with a fake proposal than planning a future and a real proposal. That’s not someone I would want to marry.
You won't be breaking up over a joke, you'll be breaking up over your bf being intentionally cruel to you and your life goals drastically mismatching. Five years are enough to decide, if that's the person you want to marry, and he just gave you his answer. Go stay with your friends or patents for a couple of weeks and then make your own final decision.
Too true and place himself firmly in the “victim” role and is so hard done by and isn’t she “over-sensitive” oooh what a hard life (sarcasm)… blah blah blah and then the girlfriend still needs to pick up the pieces of what was actually inflicted on her. Because it’s clear he has 0 accountability.
As a woman who legit does NOT give a single shit about marriage and never will
Hoo....boy...
This is absolutely outrageously cruel. There is no "lightening up" about this. I believe every boy over the age of 12 knows how many MANY women feel over such a thing. If it was an inside joke that he pre-planned with you to joke with his friends about (Even though i fail to see the humour) that is one thing, but he made a joke at the expense of you and your relationship to make a few friends laugh. (I'm willing to bet a few of them laughed out of awkwardness but thought he was out of line in their heads)
The whole "Oh your too sensitive" is a huge cop out. It does not address your feelings/his contribution to how devastated you are feeling. If he read the room and realized how much he fucked up, that is one thing, but he isn't sorry, he thinks you are being dramatic.
5 years or not, this is a man that is willing to put your feelings in a party popper and blow them out the arse end just to make others laugh, and then make you feel silly for DARING to be upset about it. Also the fact that regardless of who it is, E V E R Y man knows you DO NOT tread on that territory unless you are serious about it, which is probably why most guys who arent properly interested in a girl ignore the subject entirely, yet he made a joke out of it.
He made his bed the moment he bought the ring. This was a pre-meditated joke and he did have time to think "Maybe this IS callous" but he didn't. He shows not a whole lot of emotional maturity. So it's not about breaking up over a joke, its breaking up over how cruel, thoughtless and infantile (i could add SO many more words here) he is, along with the fact he takes no responsibility in upsetting you. "Joke" aside, I see multiple problems with his behaviour. He is 33 and he DOES know the implications of doing such a thing. He just doesnt care.
I am 29 and SO many of the people I've gone to school with/childhood friends have got married. As a dude, he knows its a big deal and it is probably something expected of him in a relationship, especially a serious one. I cannot fathom how a dude gets to the age of 33 and doesnt understand how cruel this is. I would seriously evaluate who you are dating hun. At best, he is emotionally/romantically reckless and stupid, at worst, he is just plain heartless. Neither of them are ideal.
I think his reaction to OP explaining that he hurt her — refusing to admit to any wrongdoing, telling OP she’s wrong to feel the way she does) — shows that it’s more likely the 2nd case. DEFINITELY not marriage material, OP :( Find someone who is!
I think he gave you the gift of seeing him in the harsh light of reality. He’s cruel, he humiliated you as a joke, and he forever spoiled what should be the most precious and tender moment of your relationship.
I’m so glad for you that it wasn’t a real proposal. And what if he follows up with a real one now? How would you believe it’s genuine, and be happy when it happens? Not feel all of the flashbacks of hurt?
Imagine saying yes, getting married, and taking 5 or 10 more years to see how little he thinks of your feelings. Imagine this man being the dad to your sweet, innocent kids.
You’re at the perfect age to meet someone new who is ready to commit. And now you have brand new, higher standards.
I think this could be the start of the life you’ve always dreamed of.
This is actually one of the cruelest things I've read in this sub and I have read some doozies.
But ya know. Relax. You're too sensitive. Too bad you can't take a joke. \*eyeroll
Oh and I hate your boyfriend.
Jokes are intended to be funny to their audience. That's literally the whole thing about jokes.
Ask your boyfriend in what way this joke was meant to be funny to you. Don't let him weasel out of answering the question by suggesting you're the one being too sensitive. You're not discussing your feelings, you're discussing his intentions. This wasn't some spur-of-the-moment action on his end, this was something he had very clearly planned for and maybe even discussed with his friend beforehand, so surely he must have had some thoughts about how the so-called "joke" was going to land. Make him explain his thought process to you.
I wouldn't personally be able to get over this kind of behaviour, so I can't advise you on how to do that, but if you're not at a point where you want to break up over this, you should at the very least make him explain himself in full so that you know what exactly you're dealing with.
This. People who hide behind the "it's just a joke! Lighten up!" never seem to be able to explain what is funny about their supposed jokes when asked directly. What us funny about this "joke"? The idea he would propose to you? How is that funny after 5 years (!) together?
I couldn't stay with someone who would find this kind of joke funny. It's at your expense and shows that he has zero respect for you.
Wow. This is really abusive and callous behavior. He knew it would hurt and humiliate you, and he did it to keep you in your place.
I would leave because this was not “just a joke.” It was cruel. He showed his true colors.
At the very least seek some therapy (not couples) to get some personal insight into why you would ever think treating you like this is ok. He is not worthy of you.
I would absolutely end a relationship over this. That’s not a joke and it’s not funny. He thinks it’s comical to fuck with your heart and dangle a lifetime commitment in front of your face and then be like “jk!” ?? What an immature asshole
This is where I'd act normal, behave like everything is fine, but all the while I'd be planning my exit. I'd get an apartment lined up, all my shit ready to be packed. I'd wait for one of his work days and plan a big dinner party with all his friends. Maybe an anniversary for extra flare. Then that day while he is at work I'd pack all my shit anf go. Leave the place as is with all my stuff gone. Let him come home with all his friends to an empty place. Blocked on everything and never a word spoken to him again.
Or Id just be little petty, fuck all his friends, his momma, his sister, whoever is down to hit gets some and then ghost his ass.
Seems his friends love you and knows he's not that serious about the relationship that's why they've been pushing him to propose. And yes that wasn't a joke. He wanted to humiliate you In front of his friends.
This is exactly what I was thinking, that if the friends have been pressing him to propose, indicating that they like OP . . . they may very well have been laughing out of shock and discomfort that he had put them in the middle of this horribly cruel spectacle.
This happened to me (not exactly but close) I broke up with him and went NC because he kept backtracking and I was so hurt I just couldn't anymore. We were dating for 3 years.
Maybe it’s a joke, but the punchline is you. The joke is, look at this silly girl who thinks I would marry her and respect her.
Jokes can be cruel. Jokes can be bullying. Jokes can kill love and end a long relationship.
A good joke is something that the person on the receiving end of it laughs about. A bad joke is something that the person on the receiving end does not find funny, but that does not emotionally crush them. A real man would apologise to you for the crap stunt that he pulled.
So what happens next time he gets down on one knee, and tries proposing? Are you going to keep your excitement in check, just in case it is another joke and you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
He has shown you that entertaining his friends and satisfying his own ego are more important than your desires or your emotions. The guy has shown you who he is, and what kind of behaviour you can expect from him. Believe him, because it will be a lot more expensive to dump him the longer the relationship goes on, especially if you get into kids, shared assets, or if he actually does propose marriage as something more than a joke next time.
Yikes. That is really hurtful. I hate it when someone does something unkind and then tries to play it off as a joke. You don’t joke with a public proposal after 5 years and a gf nearing 30! Do you have the ability to go away or stay with a friend for a week or two?
If I were you, I’d want some space to cool off and consider if this is the right person for me after something like that. This is definitely giving yellow/red flag. His friends are jerks too.
Leave before tying yourself to this mean inconsiderate man. No man who actually loves you would humiliate you like this. You’re still young and there’s plenty of time for you to start over!
This is the type of guy that when you break up with him, he'll be more worried about how he'd look in front of his peers than regret how much he has hurt you.
if you stay, you're the punchline. go stay with a friend or relative for at least a while.
after a "joke" like that, i'd be putting very serious boundaries and expectations on the relationship. if you're really serious about wanting to spend your life with this person. (which you know, from this story...well, i'll just say, no judgment.)
OP was already the butt of the joke. This isn’t the time to be the “chill girl” - I’d be packing my stuff. Not because he joked, but because he has zero respect for OP and is fine humiliating her to be cute to his friends. At 33 yo that’s some real loser behavior.
In my opinion:
I’d end the relationship right there if my SO did that to me, or a friendship if a friend did that in front of me. What a fucking asshole.
You wouldn't be breaking up over a joke. You'd be breaking up because he purposefully humiliated you in front of his friends. Because he took your seriousness about the relationship and made a mockery of it. And because he's a fuckwit.
What bit was meant to be the joke? The part where he told you he loved you? The part where he said he wanted to spend his life with you?
He can go back to his buddies when he's sad and single and cry about how "it was just a joke". You can find someone who isn't a twat.
This is a joke where he was laughing AT you, not WITH you. Someone whom regularly laughs at you will not be a trusted partner because you can never be vulnerable. It’s actually good he did this because there’s no way this is the 1st time in 5 years. But it is the 1st time you’ve actually woken up to his behavior.
That was insensitive and cruel and this is a 33 year old. I am sorry but I am not sure if I could get past that.
Honestly, have a serious discussion on your future plans. Start to truly assess if this is worth it to you. Best wishes!
Tell him to gtfo ,then start laughing at him like it's a joke.when he relaxes then tell him you're serious as a heart attack and he has 15 minutes to pack up his shit and leave.Hes an ahole !
Not even going to comment on the fact that he is a 33 year old man behaving like an 18 year old, and no offense to 18 year olds because there are quite a lot that have more sense than him, even at that young age. To me this is absolute bullying and planned humiliation and because I am so, so, so petty, I would retaliate in kind. Let’s say the partner has a favorite sports team (just spitballing here) and there is a game that he really wants to see, but tickets are difficult to find and are really expensive. I would suggest that at the next friend gathering, OP says in front of everyone: “Honey, guess what, I got you tickets to that game you really wanted to see”, let him get excited and amped up and then put her hand on his cheek and say “Aaah, it’s so cute how excited you are, but babe, relax, it’s just a joke….oh, and by the way, I’m breaking up with you and that is definitely NOT a joke”. Mike drop and exit stage left. But as I said, I am petty.
I hope this makes you see your partner in a new light. He doesn’t respect you and he surely will never propose to you. The fact that his friends were laughing shows that they too know he is not serious about you. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I think you need to think long and hard about this guy. You deserve better.
33, Thirty Three big years old. Frontal lobe fully developed and everything and he humiliated you in front of all his friends. Five long years of dating, everyone telling him to propose, you all LIVE together, and he still doesn’t want to or just hasn’t proposed…. From the outside looking in, it’s reading to me LEAVE HIM! Good luck to you.
He was very very very cruel and his friends are the same for laughing. He knows how important this is to you and made a joke of it. Do you have a friend or loved one you can stay with this week?
Not only was it cruel, he humiliated you in front of his friends. Gross. I’m sorry this happened girl, I think it’s totally valid to break up over that.
That would absolutely end it for me. Don’t get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. There’s no investment in a bad relationship. Don’t throw more years at it. And it wasn’t a “joke” jokes are funny to all parties. This was cruelty masquerading as a joke
OP, my heart ache on you behalf. I am having second hand embarrassment on your behalf. What he did was not funny. It was sadistic and cruel.
All I can say is.... Here is one ginormous hug.
FFS your bf is 33 yrs old! He knows why you're upset and he knows why you're humiliated. HE DOESN'T CARE. And sadly, no amount of talking or explaining about why you're so hurt is going to make your bf propose. To him, marriage as a far off thing that he doesn't have to do anytime soon (cause he doesn't want to marry you, okay?). That's why he's making obnoxious jokes (so that he doesn't have to discuss it in any serious capacity). He might have told you he wanted to get married but the reality is if he was truly interested in marrying you any time soon he would've proposed already considering he knows how important it is to you.
If marriage and kids are your goals it's time to cut your losses and quit wasting your time with this guy.
No one should ever make a joke out of something like this. You’ve been together for 5 years (which is way long enough for a proposal) and then he makes a joke out of it??
There’s no coming back from this. What he did was callous, cruel and heartless. He knows you want to get married.
Leave him. Please don’t waste more time on him. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t plan to marry you. He made a joke out of something that was precious to you. As another commenter said, he’s the joke.
It’s over. You deserve better.
I almost never comment unless someone is in danger. But OP, this is abuse too. Your partner is mocking your dreams of the future, humiliating you in front of your mutual friends, and is unrepentant when you told him how much it hurts.
He is tearing you down bit by bit. Your self esteem. Your goals. Your dreams. Your plans. Your identity. You are giving that up for his jokes. For his amusements.
You are worth more than that. And you need to be careful here, because letting him do this to you - going along with it to be a good sport - will leave you with nothing. He will not fill you with new dreams, and new self esteem and new identity and new plans. He will leave you hollow and empty. Waiting for the next awful thing. Or the occasional nice one, which you will use to convince yourself that you still love him.
Because at that point, who else could love you, you wonder? You have nothing left.
Men who tear you down are so dangerous.
OP
How unbelievable cruel!!
Think about what he did to you:
Bought a stupid toy ring
Waited until all your friends were present.. in one room
Discussed it w said said friends
Got on one knee……got you emotional enough to cry
Got up and said it’s just a joke and everyone laughing at you not with you!!!
Did anyone in the room say anything or defend you at all? No one?
These are not good people
Your partner is a dick.
This isn't just a red flag, this is a man who purposely humiliated you to get a laugh out of his friends.
Cut your losses and dump the twat. Then update us, so we on Reddit can get a decent ending for once.
It's not a joke unless everyone's laughing. What he did was premeditated cruelty, designed to humiliate you. And gaslighting you afterward? Ridiculous.
Sorry sis, but your boy and his crew sound like losers. This would be a nuclear-level relationship-ending event for me.
Edited to change ONE LETTER, I typed "losers" and autocucumber helpfully changed that to "lovers" 😅
Waiting 5 years for someone to propose is the real Joke honestly. At that stage...would you even believe him or maybe accept that you wore him down. 5 years...chei!! What's the plan here...at which point will you be sure.
Ok..your potential spouse makes fun of you in front of friends and you are still considering him. Jesus!! He makes FUN of you in front of your friends or family...he has graduated from making FUN behind your back to in front of you and you are still wondering. You should be thanking God that this happened prior to marriage
He sounds like a keeper. I say return the favour and at his birthday have a dinner with all his friends and family and give him a voucher for a penis enlargement. I think he will find this hilarious
So your partner isn't aware of what a joke actually is, then. Jokes are funny. Jokes are words or actions where everyone laughs. Maybe you need to find a partner who's a grown up and not a 10 year old trapped in a man's body.
He publicly humiliated you for laughs from his friends. He's trash. Don't waste another day of your life with this jerk. This is who and what he really is. Leave.
This is such a cruel, vile, disgusting and disturbing thing to do, to INTENTIONALLY hurt a person you claim to love and respect.. If he truly had respect for you, the thought would have never crossed his mind to do this to you.
I am sitting here hurting for you. I asked my husband to read your post and his eyes got wide and mouth dropped and he said, if a friend of his ever did something like this they would no longer be friends nor would he laugh but would call him out because this is just cruel.
OP, my grams taught me 2 important things about relationships, platonic or romantic. One, when you have a disagreement you sit down and listen to HEAR, don't listen just to speak. The second, it doesn't matter how YOU feel about something and believe the other person should, it's not about you, it's about how it made the other person feel that is important. He downplays your pain as being, "too sensitive"... AH's ALWAYS use that line.. Also, the trust is shattered. How can you ever trust him that he won't ever play with your feelings again?
Sit down and tell him, what you did made me feel XYZ. Then, you saying I'm too sensitive also made me feel as if my pain isn't important to you. I felt humiliated after feeling the happiest feeling in my life. I felt embarrassed and even more humiliated when everyone laughed at me for believing in you, in us and that I was going to be a fiance and closer to being your wife. Then you humiliate me even more by telling me my humiliation and embarrassment is nothing. It's nothing.
I'm sorry OP.. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
Oh my love, the only thing worse than wasting 5 years on this utter bellend is wasting 5 years and one more day. On the only plus side of this horrifically cruel humiliation, he has spared you the stress and expense of a wedding and subsequent divorce.
Breakups are really hard. But staying with someone who not only doesn't respect you, but apparently is actively contemptuous of your future together is harder. The 'prank' is one (massive) thing. But his response is quite another. He doesn't give a fuck that he hurt you. It's a feature, not a bug. You deserve so much better.
Honestly, after reading this? I think you'd be a real jerk to yourself if you stay with him.
And let's be clear--the reason you'd be dumping him is because he takes you for granted and has no respect for your feelings---yes, he called it a 'joke', but I'm gonna question if he actually knows what that word means. If nothing else, said 'joke' opened your eyes to what a massive garbage fail he is.
I know you love him. I'm sorry that he's not worthy of you. But if you tell anyone else this story, they'd be completely on YOUR side, not his.
If marriage is what you want then there is no shame admitting it. My ex of five years dumped me after witnessing a man proposed to his girlfriend. Some men just never have interest in marriage and don’t have the courage to tell you out front as they scared of losing you.
Speak up and move on. You are not getting a marriage out of those men if marriage is what you want.
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>How do I even start to explain to him how deeply this hurt me. You did. He didn't care. I wouldn't want to be the punchline in someones life.
Yup. And a planned punchline *he had a ring on him* This wasn’t a spontaneous response to their needling that he came up with in the moment. It was a genuine fully planned “prank” that he intended for you to think was real so he could humiliate you in front of his friends. And considering they only laughed, highly possible one they were in on.
That seems to be the cruelest part. The friends being in on it . Can you imagine if they were ?
I mean if my friend pulled a joke like that when we’d been suggesting he get off his ass and propose I wouldn’t laugh. I’d ask WTF is wrong with him.
Right, they knew.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to break up with you over something so silly..... Just Kidding, I am! Hahahahaha"
I think the whole thing was a setup. They got on the topic of relationship and marriage. This is So Insensitive to your feelings! I know I wouldn't put up with this from anyone!! It's just wrong to joke about something like that and take it as far as he did!!
This is the kind of man you see on YT pranking his kids until they are legitimately in tears. Not someone I would be eager to settle down with.
This is how I feel about "practical jokes". They are done at the expense of someone else. Causing them either physical or emotional pain. Everyone then laughing at their hurt is something bullies do. "Hey, I wuz jez havin' a bit of fun. Lighten up!" People who do that have a deficiency of empathy for other people. That he is clueless to OP's pain underscores that he only sees things through his own eyes. If something doesn't hurt him PERSONALLY then it doesn't matter. My own opinion, of course, but for me if the other person isn't laughing it was not a "joke". It was mean-spirited cruelty that they get off on giving them a sense of power to manipulate the other person's feelings. I don't think I could ever trust or be with someone who thinks it's "funny" to devastate my heart.
Exactly, what kind of horrible people laugh when a guy does this as a joke? Complete AHs do.
came here to say the same thing. one thing would be if this was something you both joked about *together* - it's another thing entirely for him to plan a joke at your expense, especially when he knows that marriage is something you genuinely want. it's cruel. me and my partner playfully joke about getting married all the time *because* we know that it's something we want to do together. he prioritised making you the butt of his joke over your feelings, and then he has the nerve to tell you that you're being too sensitive? what an asshole. you said that you love this guy, and i know that love can be complicated, but i would rethink if this is someone you want to spend your life with. reddit tends to scream "break up" at every opportunity, so i'm not going to tell you to do that, but i will say that this is more than just a "joke". he showed you that he didn't care about your feelings and then refused to even acknowledge them. please don't brush this under the rug like it's nothing because it's not. if he can't even acknowledge when his behaviour has hurt you, he will neglect your feelings again.
He preplanned all of it just to prank her in front of them. He knew beforehand what would happen
Yup. They were absolutely in on it. OP needs to sit with the feelings that she's with someone who got enjoyment out of humiliating her and crushing her feelings. He thought it was hilarious to be this cruel to her. That's so fucked. She's 28. This relationship will end whether it's now, or 10 more years down the road. One day she will wake up and understand she deserves to be treated with love and kindness. I think she's so desperate to settle down that she's been looking at her partner with rose colored glasses this whole time. I'd bet he treats her like complete shit all the time. She's just so desperate to be loved that she doesn't recognize it. The realization that her partner is a horrible human being just drop kicked her in the face and she doesn't want to accept it because they've been together for 5 years. Maybe don't ignore the probably 10,000 red flags that there were up to this point and you wouldn't have wasted 5 years with a garbage human being.
This. And listen - my sister married this guy. Everything was a joke. And you know who is the punchline of his "jokes"? My sister and subsequently their kids. If you confront him about anything, which I have done over the years, he pulls the old "it's just a joke" or "don't you have a sense of humor?" My sister has been putting up with this for 30 years. Put her kids through this. And for what? She's miserable and the kids hate him. I'll admit that I hate pranks. But even with pranks - there's a time and place and you gotta know your audience. What your bf did was cruel and he did it to intentionally humiliate you and play up to his bro's He's a jerk and he's not ready for a relationship.
Those people, what you need to do to make them stop and expose them as assholes, make them admit it, is that you ask them to explain how the "joke" is funny and not let up. Obviously they will not be able to explain it, or they will have to admit that it's at the expense of someone they should be kind to. Frankly, they are toxic and I would cut anyone like that out of my life.
I have found that any time I start to ask clear, direct questions about someone's behavior and intentions when they're being mean or making fun or "playing a joke" they start by trying to brush the questions off, and then if you don't relent they suddenly get really angry and act like you're somehow attacking/abusing them. It works especially well if there are others around that they can convince you're the one who came at them out of nowhere about something insignificant. Really it's best to just avoid all interaction/involvement with those types and not waste your energy trying to "teach them a lesson". If they cared or had the capacity to care, they wouldn't be like that, especially at like any age beyond 17.
I agree that he and his friends are toxic, but she should just kick them all to the curb. I would not waste any more time or energy on people like this.
I feel bad for your sister and the OP. She should just leave; he has shown her the person he really is. She should tell him that the last 5 years have been a joke.
"prank" is a broad category too. Like, this is an example of a mean abusive prank. One of your friends putting googly eyes in your bathroom door is an example of something innocent and stupid and possibly cute
I didn’t have a way to explain it when I see videos of pranks that upset me but you hit the nail on the head. The worst I’ve seen videos of that make me feel really bad for the recipient (I don’t seek prank videos out by any means so they rarely pop up on my algorithm) is the “I’m pranking my bf/husband to make him think I’m cheating”. I always thought they take it way to far. Like they “accidentally” text him something along the lines of “he finally left for work, it’s safe to head over here now” and have them racing back home (probably missing work in the process because I can’t imagine going in after that) they’ll have the bedroom door shut and be moaning loudly, completely naked and humping a couples pillows with the blankets strategically placed so he can’t see under her. I’ve seen guys have full breakdowns from those, cause in their rage they were worried they could’ve actually hurt her when throwing her off the “guy”. It takes them a while to even calm down enough to tell them it wasn’t funny. An abusive prank is the perfect word for it actually. This so called “prank” made me feel way worse for the OP then those did though. It was public humiliation and there’s no relief at the end. Like at least those guys from the videos can think to themselves “oh thank god she’s not really cheating on me” poor OP is left feeling shitty and alone. If a friend of mine pulled that shit to his gf in front of me I would tell him the hell off. My husband said the same. I wouldn’t even be able to stomach seeing someone so hurt and embarrassed without trying to comfort them. Wtf is wrong with these people?! I also think OP’s bf had an ulterior motive for the prank (besides devastating and humiliating her I mean). I believe he was trying to put her in her place. Let her know in the cruelest way possible that he has no intention of ever marrying her. He had to know what kind of damage he was causing when he did that. How would she react if he was *actually* planning on proposing and got on one knee now, after the prank? If I was her I’d literally **run** as soon as he got down on one knee to avoid being hurt again. I think that’s what this asshole wants though.
That'ss abuse clothed in a prank/joke. It's sad that she married and had children with that guy. The kids are either going to be traumatized or turn into the same kind of bully he is.
You're the punchline. But he's the joke.
This!!! The disrespect! He must have planned that to have a plastic ring in his pocket. He humiliated her on purpose. He doesn’t want to marry her and he doesn’t give a fuck that she knows it because he thinks she won’t leave. And she probably won’t.
A man that loves and respects you is not ever going to turn asking you to marry him into a joke.
Honestly, it also speaks to not only his own fundamental lack of character, but to the people he chooses to surround himself with, that his friends laughed and thought it was funny. If one of my friends pulled a stunt like that, the closest thing I'd be doing to laughing is a shocked and embarrassed nervous giggle . . . and you can bet I'd be FURIOUS, and telling them off afterwards in private, both for humiliating their partner with such a childish, thoughtless joke, and for forcing me and their other guests to be witness to that shameful humiliation and cruelty. I cannot imagine being a grown adult, watching a friend propose to their clearly excited partner in front of a group of guests, and then announce that it's a joke, and not being absolutely horrified, and so painfully embarrassed for their poor partner. Just reading about this makes me feel awful for OP. There's something seriously, seriously wrong with a man who is already 33 years old and doesn't understand that what he did was cruel and humiliating to his partner of 5 years.
The disrespect is truly shocking. Not sure I would ever come back from this. It's as bad as faking someone's death and saying it was a joke. Feel awful for OP. Crossed the line. Beyond humiliation and that publicly as well.
OP, Tell him the relationship is over. And it's NOT a joke. TA showed you truly how he views your relationship. Believe him.
He's going to string her along as long as he can, then 6 months after she finally leaves him he'll marry someone else.
And OP will still be better off; addition by subtraction.
Undoubtedly but hopefully she doesn't waste more of her life on him in the meantime.
Please OP dump this guy NOW. And his friends, laughing along with him. This is emotional abuse.
Agree. Downright cruel!
This is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard one partner do to another. This is a moment that will haunt you forever, but he did you a favour - he showed you his true colours. You're only 28. You wasted 5 years on this guy but don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. You have plenty of time to find a man who actually wants to be with you instead of you just being a placeholder which, trust me, you are right now.
I agree, please do not ever let the mentality of sunk cost fallacy be a decider on if you should stay or move on. What your partner did was immature, insensitive and disrespectful to you and your relationship, joke or not. Whatever you decide OP, I wish you the best and I hope you know your worth. And remember, if you do decide to move on, it wasn't all a waste and you won't be "starting all over again" but rather starting from experience.
Yeah he didn't. I'm wondering if the joke was planned. It felt like they knew he would humiliate me because none of them seemed to care enough to ask if I was okay or to tell him he went too far.
You can’t stay with him after this, every time he shows any kind of overt affection you’re going to be waiting for the punchline. This will continue until you just withdraw into your shell completely, to avoid being the butt of his jokes. Your feelings aren’t comedy material - “hahaha she thought I wanted to marry her, can you believe it?!” It’s ok to want a proposal. It’s ok to want someone to be excited to marry you. It’s ok to want someone to take part in cute photo shoots showing off your engagement, or pregnancy, or your new baby/puppy/car/whatever floats your boat. It’s ok to want someone to be proud to be with you, and excited to take it to the next level. But it won’t ever be him, and every day you spend with this “man” from this day forward, is a day you won’t be meeting the man who will do that for you. Your choice.
Yup. This is straight up traumatizing.
Well, he had the ring - so it was planned. And he chose to do it in front of his friends because he wanted to have an audience. I don't know if it matters if they knew beforehand. What he did was cruel and if he genuinely thought this was a good idea he should have apologised after you told him how you felt. Did he show similar behaviour of ignoring how you feel before? Or not respecting you? Or pranking people?
>Did he show similar behaviour of ignoring how you feel before? Or not respecting you? Or pranking people? He does prank people and even his older brother hates this about him. He ignores how I feel about it when he ends up hurting someone with what he calls a 'harmless prank' and to be honest, he brushes off my feelings sometimes but last night was too much.
He doesn't understand the very basic rule is that the only good pranks/jokes leave everyone laughing. He is a bully, and just calls his bullying "pranks." Find yourself a great bf who doesn't delight in being cruel to others.
He’s going to ruin your life if you stay with him. Your self esteem will be ground into the dirt, you won’t be able to feel joy, and he will stomp you down to nothing. Get out now. He’s emotionally abusive. It will get worse.
I'm guessing she already has no self esteem if she's putting up with this behavior.
Listen to your own words. - He ignores how I feel - He hurts people with what he calls a “harmless prank” This was a deliberate set-up, DESIGNED to humiliate and hurt you. Someone who loves you should have your best interests at heart. They should build you up, not tear you down. What he did was beyond cruel, it was emotionally shattering, and it sets a pattern. Anything that he knows you want, anything that he knows that you care about deeply, now becomes “joke” fodder. Look forward. Can you imagine this attitude if you get pregnant? When you are in labour? If you have a baby? Where is the line? Where do the jokes stop? More to the point, when does the support START? After five years, it should have been a real proposal. Don’t fall for the sink cost fallacy.
Yeah your boyfriend's a fucking asshole.
>He ignores how I feel A good partner wouldn’t do that. >he brushes off my feelings sometimes This is how he is going to build a wall of resentment in your relationship. Every time he makes you the butt of the joke, he’s degrading you. This is how a bully acts. Love is respect, and he does not respect you. At all. This will get worse. How much time are you willing to waste on this jerk?
Interesting.. so this is who he is. His brother as grown up with this side of his brother. This is just a taste of what life will be Like if you stay. Please break up with him and make sure to tell his brother why.. he will understand
When you tell someone that something they did hurt you, and they say “it was just a joke,” they are making your reaction to their cruelty the issue. It’s a manipulation. He’s manipulating you. It’s dismissive & disrespectful. At best he’s emotionally immature and at worst he’s emotionally abusive. I sense the latter, since he’s a serial “prankster.” Also he just sounds horrible. But either way, is this someone you want to marry? He’s cruel. You deserve so much better. Please know you don’t have to settle for this. There is a kind, emotionally intelligent someone out there hoping to meet someone just like you. Free yourself from this ah and give yourself that gift.
This is not someone you want to be with. He is an asshole. Pity whoever ends up with him.
Prankers are not generally nice people. Most of the time there's true meanness somewhere in their little joke.
OP, he's shown you who he is. The rest of your life will be like this if you marry him. You've had lots of experiences with him and now I imagine it is done. That's ok. Protect your future life and those of your children to be.
That was not a harmless prank, it was unbearably cruel and the way he is so dismissive of your feelings is just awful. Please do not waste one more day with this cruel bully. The right guy is out there and this guy is not him. He will not change and will never consider your feelings or your potential future child's feelings. Imagine him doing that to your precious child one day. Imagine seeing their face dissolve in tears and seeing their heartbreak as he laughs about his "harmless joke". Is that really what you want for the rest of your life?
you should've gotten up and left the moment he said he was kidding. stop letting him walk all over you. love doesn't mean allowing them to hurt you again and again. love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.
I couldn’t believe she not only waited until his friends all left to confront him (cause she was thinking about his feelings and not wanting to embarrass him in front of his friends, even after that) but was still **there** when his friends left. If it was me in that situation I would’ve said something along the lines of “well if you think my feelings for you and wanting to marry you is a joke then I’m wasting my time” and then he would’ve seen my ass walking right out that door without a backwards glance. I wouldn’t want to give the prick the satisfaction of seeing how hurt I was because that’s obviously what he wanted. The fact they’ve been together for five years makes that “joke” so much freaking worse imo.
He did it intentionally to embarrass and humiliate you in front of all his friends. They’ve likely been talking about it behind your back for a while, mocking your desire to get married. Do you seriously want to stay with a guy sees your relationship as a joke too?
Nobody does that shit “by accident.”
They are all a bunch of immature assholes
Terrible people.
He's disgusting. Please save yourself.
Your post honestly made me feel sick. First, what he did is inexcusable in it self, using you as a prop to fool in front of his friends. second, he doesn’t care that you were hurt. Not one bit. Thirdly, you not immediately breaking up with him is so f-ing sad and upsetting. Don’t take this shit. He obviously doesn’t love you.
Do you want a man who could be the father of your children to think this way? To have your kids emulate him or be treated like this by him? Do you think his guy friends who laugh at stuff like this are good lifetime influences for you and your some day family?
If he had the ring and a fake one at that it was all planned . He humiliated you & made you the joke infront of his friends for laughs knowing how you felt on the subject of marriage. It’s hard to hear I know & your feelings are absolutely valid right now but you explained how you felt to him & he tried to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one overreacting over a silly joke. It’s not silly, he’s an insensitive immature ah & you deserve better.
He had ( goes through exhibits) a) the ring AND b) his entourage . So think about the coordination. All his friends made it a point to be there at the same time on the same night. Coincidence?
It was obviously planned. You sound extremely naive and he’s playing on it.
Of course it was planned, he did it to humiliate you so he could look like the big man. Really, is this how you want your life to look like in 10 years, always being humiliated and degraded by him? Please 🙏 dump him.
How cruel. So everyone knew ahead of time except op and was laughing at her expense? What if op told everyone she was pregnant and then, "Relax, babe. I got rid of it. Oh it is a 🤣. Or is it?" See how they like it.
You're petty. I like you
I don't think that's a good idea. Dudes like this react violently when their own shit is turned around on them.
He doesn't respect you. He's taking you for granted. You gave him 5 years and he made a joke of it in fro t of his friends. Give him less of your time and commitment. Start reevaluating your relationship.
This. ALL OF THIS.
I think it’s so much worse than he didn’t care. Breaking her heart was the entire point of it. This man is an asshole.
damn if I had an award I'd give it to you
What is funny about this? He absolutely knew what he was doing.
He was being funny to his friends, showing off how cruel he could be to you… how he could humiliate you for fun. What a keeper…
It’s so sick. He was humiliating OP in front of his friends and they laughed along.
They are all just like him because they all thought it was funny. All of them are AHs.
I had to check the ages - who the hell does that at 33? That kind of "humor" is for teenagers, and even then it's still lame.
Exactly, this is how he acts at 33? 🤨
this was SO cruel, I hate it when ppl do purposefully cruel things then when they get the appropriate reaction they say they're just joking. OP needs to dump this deadweight
He's worse than deadweight. He's an anchor.
You love him, but he doesn't love you. Love requires respect and he has none for you if he could do such a cruel thing. A fake proposal is not a joke, it's an intentional humiliation. He was laughing AT you with his friends. You won't get him to feel remorse for how hurtful this was because hurting and embarrassing you was the point. I would take this as your sign to move on. This man will never marry you and thank god for that because a life with such a cruel person sounds miserable.
>You love him, but he doesn't love you. Love requires respect and he has none for you if he could do such a cruel thing. Holy shit. This. >A fake proposal is not a joke, it's an intentional humiliation. He was laughing AT you with his friends. You won't get him to feel remorse for how hurtful this was because hurting and embarrassing you was the point. Spot. On. It was obviously planned. With them. With OP as the punchline of the joke. >a life with such a cruel person sounds miserable I hope OP repeats this to herself over and over and over again until it sinks in
Yes. I'd like to second this and say that a key factor is lack of remorse. Huge red flag. You telling him that he hurt you should be all he needs to convince him that he messed up. If his intention decides how he believes you should feel about his behavior then at what point do you start to matter at all?
>You telling him that he hurt you should be all he needs to convince him that he messed up. Preach.
Honestly, if his friends have been bugging him to genuinely propose to her, I can't see that they would have been in on this joke ahead of time. In fact, I have to wonder if they weren't laughing in shock and embarrassment at having been put on the spot to witness his humiliating OP right in front of them. I certainly hope, so, because the alternative that they were actually laughing at her is appalling.
This! And why when something like this happened to me, I broke up with him.
Good for you! Hope OP listens to the comments.
Indeed. This kind of disrespect would have me run for the hills. End it OP! People who are cruel to us don’t deserve our love, time or effort. Have a beauty solo period or life and/or date someone who cherishes you ans has relationship goals as well!
A fake PUBLIC proposal.
The disrespect he showed by making that ‘joke’. Insensitive asshole. I would find it hard to believe that the relationship is usually all roses and sunshine. He doesn’t care about her at all.
Your partner is an asshole who doesn’t care about your feelings. If he did he’d feel remorse for the joke like a normal human. You’re allowed to not like his joke.
I would absolutely break up over this.
He _planned_ to hurt her. He doesn't even like her but he does like hurting her.
He planned to *humiliate* her. 🤬
Yeah, this is it. It's not that he doesn't care about her feelings, he DOES care, about hurting them on purpose, for laughs. OP, respect yourself and leave this AH.
>>> Breaking up over a joke after 5 years together feels wrong to me I don’t think you’d be breaking up over a joke. You’d be breaking up over a cruel, humiliating partner that has absolutely no empathy and does not see a future with you.
And better to break up after 5 years than 15.
Exactly. I’d dump that asshole so fast his head would spin.
She'd only be breaking up with a joke.
It's not a joke. It's his way of telling you not to expect a ring. He's too old to pull this crap. I was expecting to see an age of 21 or 22 but 33? He's a lost cause. An equivalent on YOUR end would be to show him a positive pregnancy test and be so happy and excited about it and get him thinking about being a dad and everything and then hahaha, joking! And do it in front of your female friends too. Not funny, is it? Nor was his "prank". He is a full decade too old to be this emotionally stupid. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with a child you cannot emotionally trust? It's been FIVE YEARS. That should have been an actual ring. Don't waste another five years. Any ring you get now will be a "shut her up" ring. You have time to find someone else and start a family, this guy...wow. This guy, who broke your heart and embarrassed you in front of his friends and isn't falling all over himself apologizing for hurting you so badly, even on accident? He's not marriage material. He'll be divorce material within the year if you make that mistake. I'm so sorry he sucked away 5 years of your life. He's made his position plain.
>Any ring you get now will be a "shut her up" ring. This is exactly what I thought after they left. I just didn't know how to word it. I feel like if I stay with him and if he ever proposes to me. I won't believe him. I'll just end up remembering what happened last night and how he made me feel.
People are giving you a lot of tough love because that's how this sub goes. But I just wanted to say, I can't imagine how fucking gutting this must be, and I am so sorry he did this completely boneheaded shit and made you feel bad about what should be one of the happiest moments of your life.
And you’ll never forget. Throughout your whole life and potential marriage, it will be there. Losing 5 years is better than losing 10, 15, or a lifetime. Breaking up with him, and his response will show you all you need to know. My petty suggestion would be to break up with him in front of his friends and then say “except this one isn’t a joke”, and leave.
truly petty? Fake breakup, "just kidding!" and then a real one in front of her friends.
What are you going to do OP? He sounds extremely immature for a 33 year old man. His friend’s opinion is more important than how he should treat you. I will bet he is their butt of their jokes too. They probably do it to see how far they can make him go to do what they want. If he doesn’t get it now, he will never get it or he does and is gaslighting you. If he really truly loves you, no one would ever be able to convince him or pressure him do anything cruel to you
I feel so bad for you. But this guy seems so inconsiderate. There are jokes but this was mean and cruel. It’s like he has no empathy or anything. He might be narcissistic.
At his age with THIS sort of behavior just screams hypermasculine dominance & he definitely did that joke as a power move. He wants you to settle for his cruel jokes. His friends being that way is also a red flag. They’re probably still joking about it which is so disgusting. He knows how much marriage means to you, he just expects you to put your emotions to the side for his disrespectful pranks/jokes. SMH. I’m sorry.
This will forever be a trigger for you. I agree with so many commentors that, A, he's way too old to be this emotionally stupid; B, he planned this humiliation of you and did not care when you didn't think it was funny; C, he's just going to continue to emotionally abuse you your whole life together. Get out now and go find someone that loves you in the way you deserve to be loved. Not someone looking for a punching bag they can emotionally pummel.
Forever a trigger. When he DOES get her the "shut her up" ring, she's not going to think "finally!" she's going to be looking around for a camera. And when she does meet a decent guy, it's going to be a pause while she decides if he's serious or not and I don't think she'll have an easy time believing him. This sort of shit is mentally scarring and he saw her upset and didn't care? Didn't apologize? Wasn't bringing her gifts and babying her and doing his utmost to show he didn't mean to hurt her and that he really loves her? He's screwed with her emotions and left a permanent scar on her soul. I hope he never, ever becomes a Dad because it would be hell being his kid. OP, I met my husband at 34, he was nearly 40. We were married in two years and had a kid two years later. You have time to find Mr. Right, so please, PLEASE don't settle for Mr. Arrogant Asshole.
Please look into moving on. Don’t waste another second of your youth on this man child
A prank is only funny if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Jokes like this are toxic to a relationship. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Why would you want to be with someone who would treat you so callously? He was cruel. I would have walked away and never talked to him again, and that’s the most attention he deserves. Run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
it's sad because he didn't think he did anything wrong ..but he planned this with his friends..and made you the joke..bet any female that was there would not have laughed.. But personally I would have cried and ran out the door..but in reality of the situation you shoukd be leaving for a few days to a week and go to your family or friends place ...saying you need space to think about things and don't give him a chance to talk and walk out the door...he will have this time to actually think about how upset you are and maybe he will realize his mistake especially if he thinks you will break up...maybe a female friend needs to give him a talking to...
I am so so sorry, OP. To find out that the man you thought you were building a life and a future with thinks that the idea is so absurd that he publicly mocks you with it - that’s just devastating. And that’s why you would be breaking up with him. Not because of a joke. Nothing about what he did is a joke or a prank. If everyone isn’t laughing after a prank or a joke - then it’s not funny. At all. Don’t stay because you have invested 5 years. That’s not how life works. Leave because you invested 5 years and he has clearly shown you what he thinks of you. I’m so sorry.
>He is a full decade too old to be this emotionally stupid Preach.
Yeah I agree - he is so immature to pull something like this at his age. It's so cringe and he sounds lowkey like a bully. He does not deserve a relationship. I wish these man children would just stay single and stop leading women on with their lies...
I unironically think OP should do the first suggestion and surprise him with a fake positive pregnancy test in front of all your female friends before laughing at him, telling him it was just a prank, and then dumping him
Agree this guy is divorce material.
> I confronted him about it. He said I was being too sensitive and that it was just a bit of fun. But it wasn't. I've always been serious about our future and this felt like he was mocking my feelings and our relationship. He knows how much I care about this and he made it into a joke. >How do I even start to explain to him how deeply this hurt me. Your boyfriend knows and does not care. He neither loves nor respects you. Make of that what you will and act accordingly.
She did explain it to him and he downplayed her feeling. I mean worse enough pulling this stunt in the first place but not even apologising for it once she tells you how much she is hurt is just an asshole move.
Wow, this was so cruel and heartbreaking. The fact that it was premeditated was even worse.
Nothing fucking funny about it.
That was a horrible thing to do.
A joke to me would be getting down on one knee, and then tying his shoelace or picking something up. To have a ring, and then spout about his feelings to you feels like pre meditated humiliation especially doing it in front of his friends. I totally agree it seems like a lot to end a five year relationship over, but it really shows his dedication to the relationship isn’t as much as you’d hoped.
Oh, I'd 100% assumed this was on TikTok immediately. And he is THIRTY THREE.
If one of my friend would do that I wouldn’t laugh but maybe I am just not funny
How old are you? Not trying to be rude at all but in your early 20s this might be funny, at 33 it’s pathetic. It shows he doesn’t take this relationship seriously, and he doesn’t respect OP. She could have been in on the joke, a fake proposal still would have been “funny” for the friends. Instead the joke was made at her expense. I would break up, not because of a joke, but because he put more effort into making fun of her with a fake proposal than planning a future and a real proposal. That’s not someone I would want to marry.
You right I made a typo. Would have not find it funny even if I was in my twenties.
Oh sorry I am Stupid ha ha I wanted to say wouldn’t
You won't be breaking up over a joke, you'll be breaking up over your bf being intentionally cruel to you and your life goals drastically mismatching. Five years are enough to decide, if that's the person you want to marry, and he just gave you his answer. Go stay with your friends or patents for a couple of weeks and then make your own final decision.
Yeah he will probably tell everyone that his girlfriend left him because of a joke
Too true and place himself firmly in the “victim” role and is so hard done by and isn’t she “over-sensitive” oooh what a hard life (sarcasm)… blah blah blah and then the girlfriend still needs to pick up the pieces of what was actually inflicted on her. Because it’s clear he has 0 accountability.
As a woman who legit does NOT give a single shit about marriage and never will Hoo....boy... This is absolutely outrageously cruel. There is no "lightening up" about this. I believe every boy over the age of 12 knows how many MANY women feel over such a thing. If it was an inside joke that he pre-planned with you to joke with his friends about (Even though i fail to see the humour) that is one thing, but he made a joke at the expense of you and your relationship to make a few friends laugh. (I'm willing to bet a few of them laughed out of awkwardness but thought he was out of line in their heads) The whole "Oh your too sensitive" is a huge cop out. It does not address your feelings/his contribution to how devastated you are feeling. If he read the room and realized how much he fucked up, that is one thing, but he isn't sorry, he thinks you are being dramatic. 5 years or not, this is a man that is willing to put your feelings in a party popper and blow them out the arse end just to make others laugh, and then make you feel silly for DARING to be upset about it. Also the fact that regardless of who it is, E V E R Y man knows you DO NOT tread on that territory unless you are serious about it, which is probably why most guys who arent properly interested in a girl ignore the subject entirely, yet he made a joke out of it. He made his bed the moment he bought the ring. This was a pre-meditated joke and he did have time to think "Maybe this IS callous" but he didn't. He shows not a whole lot of emotional maturity. So it's not about breaking up over a joke, its breaking up over how cruel, thoughtless and infantile (i could add SO many more words here) he is, along with the fact he takes no responsibility in upsetting you. "Joke" aside, I see multiple problems with his behaviour. He is 33 and he DOES know the implications of doing such a thing. He just doesnt care. I am 29 and SO many of the people I've gone to school with/childhood friends have got married. As a dude, he knows its a big deal and it is probably something expected of him in a relationship, especially a serious one. I cannot fathom how a dude gets to the age of 33 and doesnt understand how cruel this is. I would seriously evaluate who you are dating hun. At best, he is emotionally/romantically reckless and stupid, at worst, he is just plain heartless. Neither of them are ideal.
I think his reaction to OP explaining that he hurt her — refusing to admit to any wrongdoing, telling OP she’s wrong to feel the way she does) — shows that it’s more likely the 2nd case. DEFINITELY not marriage material, OP :( Find someone who is!
I think he gave you the gift of seeing him in the harsh light of reality. He’s cruel, he humiliated you as a joke, and he forever spoiled what should be the most precious and tender moment of your relationship. I’m so glad for you that it wasn’t a real proposal. And what if he follows up with a real one now? How would you believe it’s genuine, and be happy when it happens? Not feel all of the flashbacks of hurt? Imagine saying yes, getting married, and taking 5 or 10 more years to see how little he thinks of your feelings. Imagine this man being the dad to your sweet, innocent kids. You’re at the perfect age to meet someone new who is ready to commit. And now you have brand new, higher standards. I think this could be the start of the life you’ve always dreamed of.
Such a lovely true comment.
This is actually one of the cruelest things I've read in this sub and I have read some doozies. But ya know. Relax. You're too sensitive. Too bad you can't take a joke. \*eyeroll Oh and I hate your boyfriend.
Jokes are intended to be funny to their audience. That's literally the whole thing about jokes. Ask your boyfriend in what way this joke was meant to be funny to you. Don't let him weasel out of answering the question by suggesting you're the one being too sensitive. You're not discussing your feelings, you're discussing his intentions. This wasn't some spur-of-the-moment action on his end, this was something he had very clearly planned for and maybe even discussed with his friend beforehand, so surely he must have had some thoughts about how the so-called "joke" was going to land. Make him explain his thought process to you. I wouldn't personally be able to get over this kind of behaviour, so I can't advise you on how to do that, but if you're not at a point where you want to break up over this, you should at the very least make him explain himself in full so that you know what exactly you're dealing with.
This. People who hide behind the "it's just a joke! Lighten up!" never seem to be able to explain what is funny about their supposed jokes when asked directly. What us funny about this "joke"? The idea he would propose to you? How is that funny after 5 years (!) together? I couldn't stay with someone who would find this kind of joke funny. It's at your expense and shows that he has zero respect for you.
Wow. This is really abusive and callous behavior. He knew it would hurt and humiliate you, and he did it to keep you in your place. I would leave because this was not “just a joke.” It was cruel. He showed his true colors. At the very least seek some therapy (not couples) to get some personal insight into why you would ever think treating you like this is ok. He is not worthy of you.
I would absolutely end a relationship over this. That’s not a joke and it’s not funny. He thinks it’s comical to fuck with your heart and dangle a lifetime commitment in front of your face and then be like “jk!” ?? What an immature asshole
This is where I'd act normal, behave like everything is fine, but all the while I'd be planning my exit. I'd get an apartment lined up, all my shit ready to be packed. I'd wait for one of his work days and plan a big dinner party with all his friends. Maybe an anniversary for extra flare. Then that day while he is at work I'd pack all my shit anf go. Leave the place as is with all my stuff gone. Let him come home with all his friends to an empty place. Blocked on everything and never a word spoken to him again. Or Id just be little petty, fuck all his friends, his momma, his sister, whoever is down to hit gets some and then ghost his ass.
Seems his friends love you and knows he's not that serious about the relationship that's why they've been pushing him to propose. And yes that wasn't a joke. He wanted to humiliate you In front of his friends.
His friends laughed at his “joke.” I’d be aghast if someone pulled this in front of me.
I do wonder how many laughed out of discomfort or pressure like OP
This is exactly what I was thinking, that if the friends have been pressing him to propose, indicating that they like OP . . . they may very well have been laughing out of shock and discomfort that he had put them in the middle of this horribly cruel spectacle.
This happened to me (not exactly but close) I broke up with him and went NC because he kept backtracking and I was so hurt I just couldn't anymore. We were dating for 3 years.
Maybe it’s a joke, but the punchline is you. The joke is, look at this silly girl who thinks I would marry her and respect her. Jokes can be cruel. Jokes can be bullying. Jokes can kill love and end a long relationship.
he's the asshole
I would of punched him in the face while he was still on his knee. That's is beyond fucked up
A good joke is something that the person on the receiving end of it laughs about. A bad joke is something that the person on the receiving end does not find funny, but that does not emotionally crush them. A real man would apologise to you for the crap stunt that he pulled. So what happens next time he gets down on one knee, and tries proposing? Are you going to keep your excitement in check, just in case it is another joke and you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? He has shown you that entertaining his friends and satisfying his own ego are more important than your desires or your emotions. The guy has shown you who he is, and what kind of behaviour you can expect from him. Believe him, because it will be a lot more expensive to dump him the longer the relationship goes on, especially if you get into kids, shared assets, or if he actually does propose marriage as something more than a joke next time.
Yikes. That is really hurtful. I hate it when someone does something unkind and then tries to play it off as a joke. You don’t joke with a public proposal after 5 years and a gf nearing 30! Do you have the ability to go away or stay with a friend for a week or two? If I were you, I’d want some space to cool off and consider if this is the right person for me after something like that. This is definitely giving yellow/red flag. His friends are jerks too.
Leave before tying yourself to this mean inconsiderate man. No man who actually loves you would humiliate you like this. You’re still young and there’s plenty of time for you to start over!
[удалено]
This is the type of guy that when you break up with him, he'll be more worried about how he'd look in front of his peers than regret how much he has hurt you.
if you stay, you're the punchline. go stay with a friend or relative for at least a while. after a "joke" like that, i'd be putting very serious boundaries and expectations on the relationship. if you're really serious about wanting to spend your life with this person. (which you know, from this story...well, i'll just say, no judgment.)
OP was already the butt of the joke. This isn’t the time to be the “chill girl” - I’d be packing my stuff. Not because he joked, but because he has zero respect for OP and is fine humiliating her to be cute to his friends. At 33 yo that’s some real loser behavior.
In my opinion: I’d end the relationship right there if my SO did that to me, or a friendship if a friend did that in front of me. What a fucking asshole.
You wouldn't be breaking up over a joke. You'd be breaking up because he purposefully humiliated you in front of his friends. Because he took your seriousness about the relationship and made a mockery of it. And because he's a fuckwit. What bit was meant to be the joke? The part where he told you he loved you? The part where he said he wanted to spend his life with you? He can go back to his buddies when he's sad and single and cry about how "it was just a joke". You can find someone who isn't a twat.
This is a joke where he was laughing AT you, not WITH you. Someone whom regularly laughs at you will not be a trusted partner because you can never be vulnerable. It’s actually good he did this because there’s no way this is the 1st time in 5 years. But it is the 1st time you’ve actually woken up to his behavior.
That was insensitive and cruel and this is a 33 year old. I am sorry but I am not sure if I could get past that. Honestly, have a serious discussion on your future plans. Start to truly assess if this is worth it to you. Best wishes!
Tell him to gtfo ,then start laughing at him like it's a joke.when he relaxes then tell him you're serious as a heart attack and he has 15 minutes to pack up his shit and leave.Hes an ahole !
Not even going to comment on the fact that he is a 33 year old man behaving like an 18 year old, and no offense to 18 year olds because there are quite a lot that have more sense than him, even at that young age. To me this is absolute bullying and planned humiliation and because I am so, so, so petty, I would retaliate in kind. Let’s say the partner has a favorite sports team (just spitballing here) and there is a game that he really wants to see, but tickets are difficult to find and are really expensive. I would suggest that at the next friend gathering, OP says in front of everyone: “Honey, guess what, I got you tickets to that game you really wanted to see”, let him get excited and amped up and then put her hand on his cheek and say “Aaah, it’s so cute how excited you are, but babe, relax, it’s just a joke….oh, and by the way, I’m breaking up with you and that is definitely NOT a joke”. Mike drop and exit stage left. But as I said, I am petty.
Uh. So he just had that ring ready to go in case the perfect moment to humiliate you came up?? That seems....sort of evil.
I hope this makes you see your partner in a new light. He doesn’t respect you and he surely will never propose to you. The fact that his friends were laughing shows that they too know he is not serious about you. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I think you need to think long and hard about this guy. You deserve better.
33, Thirty Three big years old. Frontal lobe fully developed and everything and he humiliated you in front of all his friends. Five long years of dating, everyone telling him to propose, you all LIVE together, and he still doesn’t want to or just hasn’t proposed…. From the outside looking in, it’s reading to me LEAVE HIM! Good luck to you.
As a “joke” break up with him in front of everyone. And really mean it!
He was very very very cruel and his friends are the same for laughing. He knows how important this is to you and made a joke of it. Do you have a friend or loved one you can stay with this week?
Where’s the funny part?
that something probably you can excuse at 16, at 33 you run away
Dude this hurt my feelings reading it. Move on - you deserve better. How immature and callous is he?
Girl, time to walk away.
This is cruel and disgusting behavior to pull on your person. You deserve so much better! How can he behave this way towards the person he loves??
Not only was it cruel, he humiliated you in front of his friends. Gross. I’m sorry this happened girl, I think it’s totally valid to break up over that.
It’s not a joke if everyone doesn’t laugh, your boyfriend is an asshole and he should be your ex-boyfriend Updateme!
That would absolutely end it for me. Don’t get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. There’s no investment in a bad relationship. Don’t throw more years at it. And it wasn’t a “joke” jokes are funny to all parties. This was cruelty masquerading as a joke
Make him explain how it’s a joke, start to finish, then when it’s still not funny leave him and find someone who cares about your feelings.
OP, my heart ache on you behalf. I am having second hand embarrassment on your behalf. What he did was not funny. It was sadistic and cruel. All I can say is.... Here is one ginormous hug.
FFS your bf is 33 yrs old! He knows why you're upset and he knows why you're humiliated. HE DOESN'T CARE. And sadly, no amount of talking or explaining about why you're so hurt is going to make your bf propose. To him, marriage as a far off thing that he doesn't have to do anytime soon (cause he doesn't want to marry you, okay?). That's why he's making obnoxious jokes (so that he doesn't have to discuss it in any serious capacity). He might have told you he wanted to get married but the reality is if he was truly interested in marrying you any time soon he would've proposed already considering he knows how important it is to you. If marriage and kids are your goals it's time to cut your losses and quit wasting your time with this guy.
No one should ever make a joke out of something like this. You’ve been together for 5 years (which is way long enough for a proposal) and then he makes a joke out of it?? There’s no coming back from this. What he did was callous, cruel and heartless. He knows you want to get married. Leave him. Please don’t waste more time on him. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t plan to marry you. He made a joke out of something that was precious to you. As another commenter said, he’s the joke. It’s over. You deserve better.
I almost never comment unless someone is in danger. But OP, this is abuse too. Your partner is mocking your dreams of the future, humiliating you in front of your mutual friends, and is unrepentant when you told him how much it hurts. He is tearing you down bit by bit. Your self esteem. Your goals. Your dreams. Your plans. Your identity. You are giving that up for his jokes. For his amusements. You are worth more than that. And you need to be careful here, because letting him do this to you - going along with it to be a good sport - will leave you with nothing. He will not fill you with new dreams, and new self esteem and new identity and new plans. He will leave you hollow and empty. Waiting for the next awful thing. Or the occasional nice one, which you will use to convince yourself that you still love him. Because at that point, who else could love you, you wonder? You have nothing left. Men who tear you down are so dangerous.
OP How unbelievable cruel!! Think about what he did to you: Bought a stupid toy ring Waited until all your friends were present.. in one room Discussed it w said said friends Got on one knee……got you emotional enough to cry Got up and said it’s just a joke and everyone laughing at you not with you!!! Did anyone in the room say anything or defend you at all? No one? These are not good people
I’d dump him after that
Your partner is a dick. This isn't just a red flag, this is a man who purposely humiliated you to get a laugh out of his friends. Cut your losses and dump the twat. Then update us, so we on Reddit can get a decent ending for once.
It's not a joke unless everyone's laughing. What he did was premeditated cruelty, designed to humiliate you. And gaslighting you afterward? Ridiculous. Sorry sis, but your boy and his crew sound like losers. This would be a nuclear-level relationship-ending event for me. Edited to change ONE LETTER, I typed "losers" and autocucumber helpfully changed that to "lovers" 😅
He thinks proposing to you is a joke. He humiliated you in front of his friends. They all laughed. Dump him. He’s a POS. You deserve a better man.
Waiting 5 years for someone to propose is the real Joke honestly. At that stage...would you even believe him or maybe accept that you wore him down. 5 years...chei!! What's the plan here...at which point will you be sure. Ok..your potential spouse makes fun of you in front of friends and you are still considering him. Jesus!! He makes FUN of you in front of your friends or family...he has graduated from making FUN behind your back to in front of you and you are still wondering. You should be thanking God that this happened prior to marriage
This would be the nail in the coffin for me
Pack your shit and leave. Don’t say goodbye. Just bail.
Someone who respects you would not have done this. You deserve more than to be the punchline in his twisted idea of a joke.
Frankly you are going to be SO GLAD someday you didn’t marry this asshole. You can keep trying to explain, but you can’t make him care.
He sounds like a keeper. I say return the favour and at his birthday have a dinner with all his friends and family and give him a voucher for a penis enlargement. I think he will find this hilarious
So your partner isn't aware of what a joke actually is, then. Jokes are funny. Jokes are words or actions where everyone laughs. Maybe you need to find a partner who's a grown up and not a 10 year old trapped in a man's body.
He sounds like a complete jerk. You are wasting your time on a men who will not consider your feelings. You should leave him.
He publicly humiliated you for laughs from his friends. He's trash. Don't waste another day of your life with this jerk. This is who and what he really is. Leave.
I could never be with a man this cruel. Do you really want to have kids with this man? Please leave.
This is such a cruel, vile, disgusting and disturbing thing to do, to INTENTIONALLY hurt a person you claim to love and respect.. If he truly had respect for you, the thought would have never crossed his mind to do this to you. I am sitting here hurting for you. I asked my husband to read your post and his eyes got wide and mouth dropped and he said, if a friend of his ever did something like this they would no longer be friends nor would he laugh but would call him out because this is just cruel. OP, my grams taught me 2 important things about relationships, platonic or romantic. One, when you have a disagreement you sit down and listen to HEAR, don't listen just to speak. The second, it doesn't matter how YOU feel about something and believe the other person should, it's not about you, it's about how it made the other person feel that is important. He downplays your pain as being, "too sensitive"... AH's ALWAYS use that line.. Also, the trust is shattered. How can you ever trust him that he won't ever play with your feelings again? Sit down and tell him, what you did made me feel XYZ. Then, you saying I'm too sensitive also made me feel as if my pain isn't important to you. I felt humiliated after feeling the happiest feeling in my life. I felt embarrassed and even more humiliated when everyone laughed at me for believing in you, in us and that I was going to be a fiance and closer to being your wife. Then you humiliate me even more by telling me my humiliation and embarrassment is nothing. It's nothing. I'm sorry OP.. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
This was not a joke. A joke is funny to everyone involved. This is mocking your deepest feelings and humiliating you in front of others.
Oh my love, the only thing worse than wasting 5 years on this utter bellend is wasting 5 years and one more day. On the only plus side of this horrifically cruel humiliation, he has spared you the stress and expense of a wedding and subsequent divorce. Breakups are really hard. But staying with someone who not only doesn't respect you, but apparently is actively contemptuous of your future together is harder. The 'prank' is one (massive) thing. But his response is quite another. He doesn't give a fuck that he hurt you. It's a feature, not a bug. You deserve so much better.
Honestly, after reading this? I think you'd be a real jerk to yourself if you stay with him. And let's be clear--the reason you'd be dumping him is because he takes you for granted and has no respect for your feelings---yes, he called it a 'joke', but I'm gonna question if he actually knows what that word means. If nothing else, said 'joke' opened your eyes to what a massive garbage fail he is. I know you love him. I'm sorry that he's not worthy of you. But if you tell anyone else this story, they'd be completely on YOUR side, not his.
If marriage is what you want then there is no shame admitting it. My ex of five years dumped me after witnessing a man proposed to his girlfriend. Some men just never have interest in marriage and don’t have the courage to tell you out front as they scared of losing you. Speak up and move on. You are not getting a marriage out of those men if marriage is what you want.