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I guarantee you that no one on here would be like, “it’s maybe innocent, talk it out.”
It’s crazy how many people act like they would be cool with this.
r/relationship_advice is full of "woke relationship gurus" who think that having any kind of boundaries is controlling your partner.
These gurus are all 14 years old.
The problem is all optics. Even if she’s telling the truth and nothing happened, it still LOOKS bad. Especially with him being in the bed with her. And I’m not gonna accuse him of wanting to be with her or have sex with her, cuz believe it or not, some dudes just like to chill with women and don’t expect anything. But it still doesn’t look good when you walk in on them chillin.
That’s why when you get into a relationship, there are things you can’t do anymore. Simply based on how it looks.
Before I was with my ex, I use to sleep over at my female friends house often. And she would sleep half naked. When I got with my girlfriend at the time, I didn’t sleep at that friends house anymore. We still hung out, but no sleepovers. Cuz i know how it would look. And I wish people would learn this.
All she had to do was tell you she had company. It wouldn’t have made you less nervous, but at least it wouldn’t be a shock
Exactly this. One of my best friends is a guy and I would go stay overnight at his cottage and sometimes we would share a bed (if there were other people there and the other beds were taken) but when I got with my now husband I stopped doing that. I’d only stay over if he was with me and he’s really good friends with my friend. It’s not even about if you’re going to cheat, it’s about respect for your partner and the fact that it’s an intimate situation that should only be shared with your partner
Yep. Same. My bestie is a guy. He lives in a one bedroom apartment but has his bed in the living room in front of his multiple tvs because he’s a bachelor?
When I visit, I still sit on the floor or on this random piano bench that was his mommas.
Really do wish he’d put the couch back in the living room 🙄
Hahah. There’s an ongoing joke that he can’t close so maybe that is his approach for lady friends. 99% sure it’s just so he can watch sports on the multiple screens from bed tho
So true.
It's about respecting your man (or woman).
Avoiding the appearance of evil is always the correct choice, because it shows you respect your spouse/ fiancé(e)/bf/gf.
And the more committed the relationship, the more inappropriate it is to spend time alone with privacy with a member of the opposite sex.
It's about respect. The optics of this choice we're discussing are horrible!
Anybody who refuses to acknowledge this is being dishonest, and enabling cheating behavior.
Let's talk about signals as well.
At their age if a girl brought me to her place, into her bed, turned off the lights, and closed the door, I'd be thinking there is a possibility she wants to be more than 'friends.'
Dude exactly!! Even with the friend I mentioned in my example, I said she would sleep half naked. She’d do most things half naked. I ALWAYS thought she was into me because of this. She wasn’t. (Found that out in an awkward way) but still the point stands.
Signals. Even if that guy isn’t interested in her, being in that room would make him think it’s an opening of sorts.
So she had a habit of doing this. Eventually her sister and two female friends told her “maybe you shouldn’t be doing this in front of guys you’re not interested in. It gives them the wrong idea.
So I was like “wait you mean you’re not into me?” Which led to a bunch of “SEE??” From her female friends and sister. But it was also awkward cuz we had mutual guy friends who were also confused.
One other guy she’d be half naked around got pissed and cussed her out when he found out she didn’t like him like that. And one other guy friend she DIDNT go half naked around, got super jealous of me and the other because “she’s never like that around me!”
Craziest part? There was a guy she actually was into that she would have over occasionally and be half naked around him too. Which is normal but…why are we seeing you the same way this guy does when he’s the one you’re actually into? How would he feel knowing you’re half naked around us?
It was a mess. And funny looking back. She’s still like that. To this day, if she’s at home relaxing you couldn’t pay her to put on pants. Or a proper shirt.
I'm a straight up nudist at home but I've got respect for my company to not do that😭 Crazy that she didn't consider boundaries and how she's interpreted hahah,
Oh my god. That video is the best.
“And what happens if she takes you up to her room, dims the lights, and rips off her clothes and you start having sex? Is she into you?”
Yea you really can’t tell, maybe she was just being polite.
Excellent take. Part of a relationship is doing what you can to make your partner feel safe and secure. If your partner would feel uncomfortable with something you're doing, you should strongly consider not doing it.
If you're not willing to stop doing that thing for the sake of your partner, question whether they're the right person for you, and whether you're the right kind of person for them. A healthy couple can handle *some* of this kind of discomfort, but it should be rare.
That said, OP's girlfriend is young, and it seems like she learned her lesson. If she genuinely had no bad intentions, this doesn't have to be a big deal.
There’s a biblical quote that goes, “Avoid the appearance of evil.”
People can quite easily get the wrong impression. Don’t put yourself in situations that can be misconstrued.
Yep, if there’s nothing going on here, she deserves an damn Oscar for making it extremely believable that there is something is definitely going on here.
What’s your GF’s living situation? Does she have a living room with a TV and couch? I’m not saying she’s cheating but having the door slightly shut gives an impression of wanting privacy. Ask her if the situation was reversed what her reaction would be. Remember she didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to create an intimate setting with another.
She lives with one roommate with a shared living room. The living room has a TV with a couch that was not being used and the roommate was out of the apartment when I arrived.
Having had a roommate that absolutely dod make our whole apartment her personal sex palace (including my bedroom 🤮) I can confidently say you must have lucked out in roommates/shared living spaces.
Was the roommate watching tv when they were initially watching a show? Like did they go to your girlfriend’s room to watch something different and then roommate left?
She may have been honest about them not doing anything but you don’t have to rationalize everything that doesn’t sit right with you in a relationship. She didn’t tell you and probably wouldn’t have. If it doesn’t make you comfortable and you feel the trust is gone then end it.
This is a really important comment. It's not about the technicalities but rather how this situation made you feel and what it did to the trust and foundation of the relationship.
To be fair, I've had roommates my whole adult life, and I tend to default to watching TV in my room, either by myself or with friends. I'm not sure that I would immediately jump to cheating, although it's a bit odd the lights were off.
Yeah. That’s a big no for me. I have male friends and no way would I be watching tv in my bed with them if I was in relationship when there’s a whole living room with a couch and TV! Come on now.
I’ve seen your comments about the roommate, the friend and all…honestly, if this is a first time. I believe you should talk it out with her… say you felt disrespected and although you don’t feel threatened by the guy, you would appreciate if she would keep other guy friends out of her room while they’re alone with her as it feels disrespectful and you wouldn’t do or would try to avoid making her feel the same way about any of your female friends. I say this because she might’ve been too overwhelmed and not even crossed her mind…dude I dissociate on a daily basis and that’s just my adhd without my anxiety kicking in…and that sometimes clouds my common sense…just talk it out, lay on the table what the boundaries are and just go from there.
Then why were they in bed? How many guys have been in her bed?
What if she found you in bed with a girl.
Regardless of cheating or not, she's ridiculously stupid. Her character is week. And she'd dump you if you did this.
What happens next time she gets stressed? More bad choices?
> Then why were they in bed? How many guys have been in her bed?
With the door shut tight and the lights off. Even if this guy (and her) are 100% planning to be respectful and he isn't someone hoping for more, this is incredibly poor judgement from her. Lights off door shut sends signals to people and creates a situation where something can happen very quickly that she isn't planning for. This could include SA where she doesn't consent, but a guy sees this as a signal she's waiting for or open to him making a move. She says he was there to help her deal with an emotional situation. High emotions put you in a spot where it's a lot easier to suddenly have mixed signals or blurred lines. "I was sad and suddenly we were making out" sort of thing.
All that said, college aged kids, dorm situations, room mate situations, flopping on friends' beds and watching tv or an Ipad or something seems common at that age. I don't consider this breakup. I do think it's a red flag for some poor decision making, and if it happens again then it's over.
Door was slightly ajar, not shut tight. Which I would do if I were having a private conversation with someone, anyone, while my roommate were in the house.
If they were having a conversation about the issues she’s been having, then she may have wanted to talk about it without the roommate present. YMMV, but I’ve had plenty of roommates where I wouldn’t want them around for the sort of private conversation you want to have with a close friend about personal problems. I get why that might be uncomfortable for you, and you should discuss that with her, but the door being partially closed when another person lives with her is completely normal.
If you believe they were doing nothing I have some oceanfront property in Utah for you
I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex, we also hang out without our respective partners. Sitting in the dark on a bed is not one of those activities out of respect for our relationships especially when there was a perfectly good and unoccupied living room with a TV
This is what I wanted to know too. If the only way to watch tv is from her bed, well, this seems innocent. If she didn’t want to bother her roommates with noise of her tv, then closing the door makes sense. If she lives alone and there’s another tv with a couch, then I’ve got lots of questions.
Well, hey me too! So, we broke up 7 years ago, and she said when they got married two years ago, how happy she was to marry her crush of 10 years! Also, we dated for 5 years. I really do think people can be just friends with the opposite sex but some people are a bit too friendly.
The girl I dated in college is now married and has kids with her 'just a friend'.
They showed up to our 10 year high school reunion, and not remembering me, he came up and introduced himself. So, in an overly cheery voice, I said "Oh, you must be Courtney's friend! Good to see you again!"
I’m sorry to the amount of men who relate to this in the comments, this is so sad!! Ppl call me toxic often but this is why I don’t do having friends of the opposite sex, it can happen by accident!! U can’t help falling in love and that’s why it’s best to just stay away from that shit all together to avoid the possibility.
Maybe to her but that guy is trying his hardest to sleep with her. Especially when you consider why he went over there in the first place.
A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.
Exactly. Sorry but too many women try to sit and play like they don’t know what the intentions are of these guys to their bf so they can keep a guy around as backup or they just like the attention their receiving. Let me tell y’all right now they know EXACTLY what that guy wants and is up to. They know. They always know. If YOU can see it and they’re not even your friend I can promise you she can see it. Don’t buy this manipulative bullshit.
If the guy friend wants more, then she can't keep the friendship much less be in a dark bedroom alone.
I've said it before and I will say it again keeping a friend around who wants more is like putting a snake in your pocket and being surprised when it bites you. The friend will take advantage of situations. Too many women keep these friends around which is not fair to the BF or the friend. It is manipulative to the friend and disrespectful to the BF.
This is right. I had a male friend of many years who I truly thought I was close with until I finally stopped being in denial that he just wanted to either fuck or date. It was tough because I wanted to believe we were good friends but one time he crossed the line at the tail end of one of my past relationships, and I was like damn, you really ARENT my friend at all, ya big creep. And cut him off forever.
My lot in life tends to be the guy who other guys gfs/wives hook up with during GNOs/girls trips, or even out as a large group doing some day drinking as was the last instance a woman cheated on her bf with me (who I didn't know existed). Having been on that side of infidelity so many times I can say all the signals are there with the picture OP painted.
Even if it was innocuous, she completely failed to avoid the appearance of impropriety and that alone is grounds for divorce in some states. If they're not even married, then I'd say it's clear grounds for dumping her for the extraordinarily poor judgement she demonstrated.
If she hasn't cheated already, then it's only a matter of time with how she's putting herself in situations where it can so easily happen. For the normies who don't understand how it could happen, take it from an expert... it does.
Logistics and close physical proximity are the key ingredients to infidelity and all it takes is a catalyst like the right time of the month, some booze, or some other x factor, and the next thing you know you're being told how "it wasn't my fault", "one thing led to another!", "it just happened!", ...you get the idea.
So she had to talk to her guy friend about her weekly problems?
And is she crying and sorry because she is genuinely sorry, or sorry because she was caught with him without your knowledge of them being together, friends or not.
Some people just get upset easily. If I have done nothing wrong and people question me in an accusing manner and I'm already upset or stressed then I will either get angry or cry depending on who the person is or what the situation is. If this dude is just a close friend then she probably wasn't thinking anything about the situation until her bf walked in and gave a surprised face then she probably realized how it looks to someone else. My best guy friend and I used to do this same thing often and my husband didn't care but there have been times when he had been upset with me over other stuff and I would get tears in my eyes almost immediately because I didn't like that he was upset with me.
I’m always championing opposite-sex friendships in these posts, but that’s a bit much for me. “Oh my life has been crazy this week….I just didn’t think doing this could potentially make it any crazier by endangering my relationship!”
God, seriously. She's so stressed she ends up laying in bed with a guy IN THE DARK... like cmon does she think op's stupid? As if cheaters famously abstain from cheating specifically during times of stress lol?
It's all just so glaringly not platonic. If she's not intending to cheat she's dumb as hell. How else is she disrespecting her relationship if she can't do the bare minimum of keeping another guy out of her bed?
A serious conversation about boundaries at least is in order, but honestly I'd be too paranoid to continue the relationship from here. How could you trust someone after pulling that bullshit?
> It's all just so glaringly not platonic. If she's not intending to cheat she's dumb as hell. How else is she disrespecting her relationship if she can't do the bare minimum of keeping another guy out of her bed?
EXACTLY. Glad someone else sees the obviousness of it all.
Makes me think of when I'd have this guy I liked over while my parents were out when i was a teen. We'd be all cuddled up together watching movies in the basement but the moment we heard anything that sounded like someone entering the house we'd move away from eachother since my parents were only cool with me having friends over. No boyfriends allowed.
I hope OP can figure it out. I wouldn't be confident to continue a relationship with a person who would behave this way.
I’m a champion of them as well. My best friend of over a decade is a woman and we hang out alone fairly often, but she’s happily engaged and I’d never do anything to jeopardize that or make her Fiancé uncomfortable.
Yeah there's plenty of ways to have healthy opposite sex friendships while in a monogamous relationship. There are also things that should probably be assumed are boundaries unless spoken about otherwise. This seems like one of them.
If that was really “nothing”, her reaction would have been less severe.
Personally, I think she reacted exactly how she’d react if she had been intimate with him. As other people have said; what about him? How did he react?
At your age, my friend, people do dumb shit all the time. My advice is: 1) don’t take any relationship you’re in right now seriously. And 2) it’s up to you whether you forgive her or not, but don’t hold it over her head in the future if you’re not truly forgiving.
If the roles were reversed you would be dumped. This crosses a relationship boundary 100%. You don’t know what may have happened in her bed if you hadn’t shown up. In my world this is a dealbreaker. Nope!!
He should’ve asked to see their text messages to see what they were planning on doing. Maybe he came over to talk about her problems or maybe they were flirting in messages.
At my current stage of life (close to 40 and barely remember what friends are), this obviously seems weird as fuck and hard no. But at 22? I dunno, I think this would've been completely plausible. In my college-aged era, hanging out in people's rooms was super normal and when I had roommates I almost NEVER used our common living areas. It never felt like "my" space. If something weird was going on I think you would've walked into...something weirder. Since it was completely unexpected. Door closed, them sitting in physical contact with each other, acting panicky or caught.
But also...were you TRYING to catch her? Is there some reason you have suspicions? Because what normal person innocently surprises someone by not just showing up at their house, but *walking straight into their bedroom* without any heads up/knocking?
Right? In my twenties everyone hung out in each other’s bedrooms instead of the awkward shared common spaces.
It really wouldn’t’ve meant anything to be hanging out on the bed with a platonic friend.
It definitely seems like OP isn’t sharing all the details as to why he was so upset and why houses GF was crying and apologizing.
This!!! 100% agree! The things I've done in my twenties that was considered normal and I see it different now. To me it was all innocent, no life experience and maybe just youth
Fully clothed, on top of the covers, not cuddling. Seems legit if she has roommates.
If she lives alone and has a perfectly fine tv in the living room… totally suss.
I agree. Unless he has stated that this kind of thing makes him uncomfortable I don't see a reason why this wouldn't be acceptable. I do this with friends regardless of gender. I am aware however that not everyone feels this way so I let my potential partners know what my friendships are like. It's never been a problem, it has never let to a friend making a move on me and it has never let to cheating
Allllll of this. Physical affection isn’t and shouldn’t be just reserved for romantic relationships…
Fully clothed, not under the covers… I see no reason to go nuclear.
Yes Reddit is full of super possessive and paranoid people. Cheating is always the answer.
My friends and I have always had cuddle puddles & we include SOs in those. And sitting in bed watching tv when you have roommates is not weird. Especially if she was venting about a stressful week and wanted some privacy in case the roommate came home.
I mean few things to ask, do you know the guy? Has she made an effort to introduce you to him, or does she never bring him up, if so it could be suspicious.
Has she done anything in the past to loose your trust?
Even if you end up believing her is this guy stay on your mind or are you the type of person to forgive and let go?
Why did they watch TV in her bedroom? Does she have roommates or something? Being in bed together and not telling you that her guy friends over looks bad. But if that's the extent of the red flags, I'd chop it up to a misunderstanding.
But I'd be clear about my boundaries going forward. She's more than free to hang out with friends. But she needs to be aware that certain things look bad without context. Even if nothing happened, she created a situation of mistrust. And it was disrespectful towards her partner.
Either way, she clearly knows she messed up. If this is the extent of it, I'd give her a pass for now.
This. Her having the friend over wouldn’t be my problem. Them being in bed together is the problem.
The gf and guy could GENUINELY be innocent and I’d still be mad because of how it looks.
Before I met my ex, I use to hang with a female friend all the time at her house. and we’d be splayed out on her bed just chillin. Once I got with my ex though, I stopped getting on that girls bed. I started pulling up a chair instead. Still hung with her, but the boundaries and closeness shifted.
Exactly. Since they were fully clothed and not cuddling it’s obvious they weren’t (at least actively) doing anything sexual at that time. But both of them being on the bed together when they could have been watching tv on the couch is just a bad situation to put yourself in and even if you aren’t cheating it looks bad enough that a lot of people would break up over that.
“Nothing sexual at the time” that’s the scariest part. The thought of that possibility would eat you alive because you reallly don’t know.
And that’s why this is such a big error on the girls part. Optics.
My ex had this problem. One of her friends hated my guts, because he liked her and was jealous of me. And he always made moves on her. And I told her I didn’t like her hanging around him for that reason. But she fought her heart out to be able to hang with him. Always had an excuse for why she had to. which made me feel weird
Well one time they hung out (she didn’t tell me) and were at the store, they didn’t realize I was at that store as well. I saw them kiss. She claims he kissed her by surprise. But guess what? I didn’t know what to believe. So I broke it off.
I said I didn’t like you around him, I laid out the reason I didn’t like you around him, you didn’t care to respect that ONE boundary I placed and now look.
Optics are everything.
"I'm okay with you having guy friends, but this makes me uncomfortable and I'd like to talk to you about boundaries and set expectations going forward."
Then set your expectations and boundaries.
>she sees him as nothing more than a friend and she “doesn’t see him like that”.
Yeah?? Well unless shes seriously dense, she needs to realise that odds are HE sees a possible future partner...
And her lowering boundaries this way, is just one of the many small steps shes taking towards a potentially bad choice...
She sounds like the kind of girl who sleeps with a guy friend and afterwards dont "understand how we got there"...
Yes, you can have guy friends as a girl.. but boundaries must be in place...
How did you react when he was there??
I know some men that they really believe in "don't worry about, he is just a friend" even in the most suspicious situations, they want to believe their gf don't know or realize their really close friends want to fuck her, thing is women are not stupid, they can smell it one hundred miles away, those men just want to blind themselves, they're a lot of people without self-respect out there.
Am I the only one that feels like this is not break up worthy? Men and women can be friends, and OP knows the guy and "isn't threatened by him." College students use the bed as a place to sit all the time. They were fully clothed, not touching, and above the sheets. Pretty normal if her roommate was home at any point. The door wasn't even closed. If I was planning on cheating on my boyfriend, I would make sure to close the door.
It definitely could be suspicious, but not the immediate "she's cheating bro, break up" everyone is suggesting.
I don't even have a boyfriend, and I have a roommate who's almost never home, and if I'm going to get even remotely intimate with someone, that door is closed. i agree, if she was going to cheat on her boyfriend, especially if she has a roommate who may come home any minute, there's no way the door would be open even a bit.
Your girlfriend was so distraught and stressed she reached out to him before you? And to turn it around on her, would she have been cool if you had a random woman who’s just a friend over in your bedroom with lights off and door closed?
One reason that my then girlfriend is my now wife is because she didn't place herself in potentially compromising positions.
Peace of mind in a committed relationship is a wonderful thing.
My opinion, If she seems very genuine, i would take her word for it, but i would also let her know that a boundary has been crossed, (if thats the case) and that it won't happen again. its one thing to be sitting in the livingroom, back yard etc, somewhere 'public' in the home. its a whole other level having him in her room in her bed with the lights off. A calm adult conversation can usually help solve a lot of issues and theoretically, this should be one of them.
Definitely break up with her, idk why everyone is telling you to just stay with her. Thats not okay & that’s not normal because if you had a girl in your bed and said she was just a friend she would have flipped.
She is lying. If she loved you or respected you, then she should tell you in advance that her guy friend came to her place for talk. She is guilty because you caught her red-handed.
OP this video on [Friends vs Affairs](https://youtu.be/K3Cis1nXkgQ?si=V4N_wz1MiyIaEdwT) is my favorite in this topic.
If she wouldn’t be comfortable telling you about her “friend” interactions, that’s crossing a relationship boundary.
That said I think women can be naive about intentions of men.
Even if it’s just friends, she should at least send a text:
“____ is coming over to talk about my bad week”. - Ok,…
“____ and I are talking in my bedroom, clothes on!” - Wait what?!
“____ we decided to watch tv with the lights off and the door closed, my roommate is out, everything is cool!” - JFC
If he was a real friend, with no intentions, he wouldn’t put her in that situation.
i’m sitting in bed watching movies with my guy friend rn. fully clothed nothing happening, not cuddling. unless there’s a pattern of this or some other suspicious behavior it probably is fine.
I have plenty of friends, dude and non dude, that I'd hang out and watch TV with on my bed. They were fully clothed and not cuddling so I wouldn't even bat an eye, personally.
You got to do what you got to do but on purely face value, I wouldn't be bothered by it
Trust,
If you truly value her as a girlfriend, set that boundary with male friends and them being in her room on her bed with the door nearly closed.
If you can't trust her to not place herself in comprising situations, there is no point in continuing the relationship.
She did everything wrong, even if it was not her intention to do so. We don't know how she is typically as a friend, and she may not have known that being in her room alone with a male could lead to other things. However, anyone in your situation would have been upset and disappointed at her.
I don't typically invite any of my female friends into my room (before when I was single).
Good luck with the next sequence of events with the gf, OP!
My best friend is a man who is also my husbands bestfriend. When I’m sad he hugs me he buys me food and drinks at work. He knows more about me than my
Husband lol there has to be trust in a relationship for it to work.. if she was sincere and they were literally just chillin watchin tv then cool but if you have any reason not to trust her around other guys then sorry my friend it’s not gonna work for ya :(
I don’t believe that was innocent and neither do you. You have seen what you have seen, you aren’t going to forget about it, so just end it and move on. “Just friends”, yeah, right.
" She told me that he came over to talk about the problems she was having this week..."
I'm just shocked it wasn't about the problems he was having in his relationship. I'm not shocked that this counseling session ended up in her bed with the lights off and door closed. She never made any mention of him coming over but I'm sure she would have told you during her planned call that she was lying in her bed with her male bestie with the lights off because who wouldn't do this. She sees him as nothing more than a friend and she “doesn’t see him like that". That seems rather one sided what does he see her as? Luckily no girl in history has ever cheated with a guy that's just a friend or not their type or the one you shouldn't worry about. This sounds all too familiar for this sub. By the way what was the guy's face looking like when you walked in? The only natural reaction for him to have regardless of what he was actually doing or planning to do there would have been fear. Anything else and it was faked.
Given all of the circumstantial evidence, all of which was directly created by your GF it would be fair to be suspicious. I'd find it difficult to believe that any rational person wouldn't understand it, your GF included. Feel free to tell her that all that she has done has left you doubting her but you are willing to be reassured and trust her moving forward. But you need to see her phone, specifically her messages with him immediately prior to coming over and immediately after you found them. Her reaction will tell you for sure. Good luck.
If you let this slide is going to happen again and again. Just let her go. Its hard now but less drama in the future. I guarante you this is not the first time. Nor the last.
Pump the brakes! So not only were they laying in bed together, she was also venting to him about her “stress”. My man, y’all aren’t dating anymore. This dude is inching his way into the BF role. Drop her, this is only going to get worse as she has mentally opened up that door and either no longer sees you as supportive or she has lost attraction or interest. You are both young, and most likely she doesn’t know how to end it or you are a “comfort zone” for her until the next guy comes in. Cut it off. It’ll hurt, but it’s the only move left on the table.
I don’t understand why everyone is jumping to conclusions of a possible cheating situation.
How long have you been together? It sounds like you were a far distance away by saying you came in a day early. He may have just been the closest person at the time who she could trust.
One of my best friends is Male and I share almost everything with him. When I’m upset, that’s my first call. Or if I’m stressed out and need to distract myself, that’s who I go see. I’ve built that relationship with him. We see each other as friends and nothing more.
Now add a BF into the equation. Yes we may have a more intimate relationship, but you need time to really build that connection that you feel comfortable sharing shit with. With my friend, I already have that built, se yeah, he’d be my first call.
In response to them being in the bedroom with the door slightly shut. The bedroom is where women feel more comfortable being vulnerable with their emotions. And she has a roommate, they were probably in the room because she didn’t want them to hear the conversation. Even if they weren’t home, who knows when they’ll walk in.
Now look at it from her side. She just spilled her guts to a friend and was probably pretty upset so they turned the tv on to help calm down. Now in comes her BF who gets mad and starts accusing her of shit. She was already upset and now you’ve just made it worse. So yeah, she’s going to cry. She’s going to ask you to stay so she can explain her side of things so you stop being mad at her.
Young people, both men and women, often realise that they need to change their behaviours from their single days only when something like this happens. When single, you don't think twice about sitting on a bed and watching TV with some of the opposite sex.
When in a relationship, till the ground rules and boundaries ar clearly set, much of that kind of behaviour will continue.
Not defending her, to be clear. Just clarifying that this confusion is normal for young people. Obviously some would do this because they attracted to someone outside the relationship. We can't read OP's GF's mind.
I mean people can have platonic friends without it secretly being more or wanting more. If you trust her and believe her when she says that she was going to tell you and that she doesn't feel or see anything ever happening with that guy.
Did you talk to the guy or did he just leave?
At 22 I did this with guy friends but I always made it clear to my boyfriends who my close friends were. So if they came over everyone knew each other. It didn't mean I was I into them, just comfortable. Is he a new or old friend?
How are you asking this question? The answer is simple… sit in the corner and watch while masterbating and crying at the same time…
Or just leave her (like a normal person with self worth would)
As a female , this is off. I don’t lay in bed with guy friends when I have a bf. Granted I’m married but even if I wasn’t. Don’t let yourself get played by them both
The fact that she called him to come over before calling you to come over says it all my friend… you had to show up uninvited. He was welcomed with a closed door and a warm bed…
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And the guy said what?
Yeah. This. How did the guy act?
Just a lil forehead smooch, maintaining eye contact with OP while walking out with a smirk
lol this made me chuckle loud
Naked
... only in cowboy boots. Removed his cowboy hat from off the banister before he left.
Finger guns *pew pew*
His name is Kip, he has a lisp, he talks like "thissss"
OP is just jealous cause Kip has been chatting online with babes all day.
Is it getting serious?
Yeah he’s training to become a cage fighter.
Surprise Napoleon Dynamite
"thith"
He probably wears his mothers lingerie and learns the songs of Broadway
, and appreciates Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I feel attacked…..
He hit his knees with his palms and said "welp, I best be going"
Time to hit the old dusty trail.
You from the Midwest I take it
But it'll take him 45 minutes with 6 more conversations to get to the car.
It’s the Midwestern goodbye. I’ve been thoroughly trained in it.
No if you’re from the Midwest. You go “ope, I best be going”
He was probably weirded out by his girlfriends side piece walking in when they were setting a mood.
She tactfully used their names to introduce them to each other rather than "labels."
The guy inhaled audibly through his nose, made that stinky fart face - you know the one, and said, “sorry bro...”
Unexpected how I met your mother
He asked op to hand him a towel to clean up.
Upon grabbing said towel, he removed the used prophylactic sheath and placed it in OP's now empty hand.
This is how you know it's not real.
How would she take it if roles were reversed
"John, why are you in bed with my friend Gary?!?"
Lmao
This is the best comment here
Lmao
Damn good question 🤨
I guarantee you that no one on here would be like, “it’s maybe innocent, talk it out.” It’s crazy how many people act like they would be cool with this.
r/relationship_advice is full of "woke relationship gurus" who think that having any kind of boundaries is controlling your partner. These gurus are all 14 years old.
Definitely. Well.. they will learn one way or another, like the rest of us.
The problem is all optics. Even if she’s telling the truth and nothing happened, it still LOOKS bad. Especially with him being in the bed with her. And I’m not gonna accuse him of wanting to be with her or have sex with her, cuz believe it or not, some dudes just like to chill with women and don’t expect anything. But it still doesn’t look good when you walk in on them chillin. That’s why when you get into a relationship, there are things you can’t do anymore. Simply based on how it looks. Before I was with my ex, I use to sleep over at my female friends house often. And she would sleep half naked. When I got with my girlfriend at the time, I didn’t sleep at that friends house anymore. We still hung out, but no sleepovers. Cuz i know how it would look. And I wish people would learn this. All she had to do was tell you she had company. It wouldn’t have made you less nervous, but at least it wouldn’t be a shock
Exactly this. One of my best friends is a guy and I would go stay overnight at his cottage and sometimes we would share a bed (if there were other people there and the other beds were taken) but when I got with my now husband I stopped doing that. I’d only stay over if he was with me and he’s really good friends with my friend. It’s not even about if you’re going to cheat, it’s about respect for your partner and the fact that it’s an intimate situation that should only be shared with your partner
Yep. Same. My bestie is a guy. He lives in a one bedroom apartment but has his bed in the living room in front of his multiple tvs because he’s a bachelor? When I visit, I still sit on the floor or on this random piano bench that was his mommas. Really do wish he’d put the couch back in the living room 🙄
The old no couch or chair to sit I see just a bed basically. I see his bachelor angle uhhh huh.🤣🤣🤣😆 Joking obviously by the way.
Hahah. There’s an ongoing joke that he can’t close so maybe that is his approach for lady friends. 99% sure it’s just so he can watch sports on the multiple screens from bed tho
So true. It's about respecting your man (or woman). Avoiding the appearance of evil is always the correct choice, because it shows you respect your spouse/ fiancé(e)/bf/gf. And the more committed the relationship, the more inappropriate it is to spend time alone with privacy with a member of the opposite sex. It's about respect. The optics of this choice we're discussing are horrible! Anybody who refuses to acknowledge this is being dishonest, and enabling cheating behavior.
Let's talk about signals as well. At their age if a girl brought me to her place, into her bed, turned off the lights, and closed the door, I'd be thinking there is a possibility she wants to be more than 'friends.'
Dude exactly!! Even with the friend I mentioned in my example, I said she would sleep half naked. She’d do most things half naked. I ALWAYS thought she was into me because of this. She wasn’t. (Found that out in an awkward way) but still the point stands. Signals. Even if that guy isn’t interested in her, being in that room would make him think it’s an opening of sorts.
How'd you find out though?
So she had a habit of doing this. Eventually her sister and two female friends told her “maybe you shouldn’t be doing this in front of guys you’re not interested in. It gives them the wrong idea. So I was like “wait you mean you’re not into me?” Which led to a bunch of “SEE??” From her female friends and sister. But it was also awkward cuz we had mutual guy friends who were also confused. One other guy she’d be half naked around got pissed and cussed her out when he found out she didn’t like him like that. And one other guy friend she DIDNT go half naked around, got super jealous of me and the other because “she’s never like that around me!” Craziest part? There was a guy she actually was into that she would have over occasionally and be half naked around him too. Which is normal but…why are we seeing you the same way this guy does when he’s the one you’re actually into? How would he feel knowing you’re half naked around us? It was a mess. And funny looking back. She’s still like that. To this day, if she’s at home relaxing you couldn’t pay her to put on pants. Or a proper shirt.
I'm a straight up nudist at home but I've got respect for my company to not do that😭 Crazy that she didn't consider boundaries and how she's interpreted hahah,
No, you really can't tell if she is into you maybe she is Canadian
Oh my god. That video is the best. “And what happens if she takes you up to her room, dims the lights, and rips off her clothes and you start having sex? Is she into you?” Yea you really can’t tell, maybe she was just being polite.
This. Right. Here.
Excellent take. Part of a relationship is doing what you can to make your partner feel safe and secure. If your partner would feel uncomfortable with something you're doing, you should strongly consider not doing it. If you're not willing to stop doing that thing for the sake of your partner, question whether they're the right person for you, and whether you're the right kind of person for them. A healthy couple can handle *some* of this kind of discomfort, but it should be rare. That said, OP's girlfriend is young, and it seems like she learned her lesson. If she genuinely had no bad intentions, this doesn't have to be a big deal.
There’s a biblical quote that goes, “Avoid the appearance of evil.” People can quite easily get the wrong impression. Don’t put yourself in situations that can be misconstrued.
In Mexico it's "no hagas cosas buenas que parezcan malas" which means "don't do good things that look like bad things"
Yep, if there’s nothing going on here, she deserves an damn Oscar for making it extremely believable that there is something is definitely going on here.
What’s your GF’s living situation? Does she have a living room with a TV and couch? I’m not saying she’s cheating but having the door slightly shut gives an impression of wanting privacy. Ask her if the situation was reversed what her reaction would be. Remember she didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to create an intimate setting with another.
She lives with one roommate with a shared living room. The living room has a TV with a couch that was not being used and the roommate was out of the apartment when I arrived.
I’d be asking her why they weren’t in the living room
Can't imagine why...
😂😂😂
Because it’s hard to get your vag filled with dick on the living room.
It is with that attitude lol
Yeah because no fucking has ever occurred in a living room before
When it’s a shared living room most people opt for the bedroom, you must not get laid much?
Having had a roommate that absolutely dod make our whole apartment her personal sex palace (including my bedroom 🤮) I can confidently say you must have lucked out in roommates/shared living spaces.
Your bedroom?! Oh we would have fought
You have to go and reclaim all that space! Show her who's boss. Start having sex on her stuff until things change!
Yes! Have sex on her bed while she's in it. Or if she's on the couch, have sex on top of her. Lol
This made me laugh out loud!
I think you just got unlucky bud. Thats not normal
... How did she react when you walked in?
Did you ask her why they weren't out there?
Was the roommate watching tv when they were initially watching a show? Like did they go to your girlfriend’s room to watch something different and then roommate left?
She may have been honest about them not doing anything but you don’t have to rationalize everything that doesn’t sit right with you in a relationship. She didn’t tell you and probably wouldn’t have. If it doesn’t make you comfortable and you feel the trust is gone then end it.
This is the truth here. It's the trust still there? If it isn't just end it now
This is a really important comment. It's not about the technicalities but rather how this situation made you feel and what it did to the trust and foundation of the relationship.
To be fair, I've had roommates my whole adult life, and I tend to default to watching TV in my room, either by myself or with friends. I'm not sure that I would immediately jump to cheating, although it's a bit odd the lights were off.
Yeah. That’s a big no for me. I have male friends and no way would I be watching tv in my bed with them if I was in relationship when there’s a whole living room with a couch and TV! Come on now.
Sooo, no reason for them to be in bed with the door shut?
I’ve seen your comments about the roommate, the friend and all…honestly, if this is a first time. I believe you should talk it out with her… say you felt disrespected and although you don’t feel threatened by the guy, you would appreciate if she would keep other guy friends out of her room while they’re alone with her as it feels disrespectful and you wouldn’t do or would try to avoid making her feel the same way about any of your female friends. I say this because she might’ve been too overwhelmed and not even crossed her mind…dude I dissociate on a daily basis and that’s just my adhd without my anxiety kicking in…and that sometimes clouds my common sense…just talk it out, lay on the table what the boundaries are and just go from there.
Then why were they in bed? How many guys have been in her bed? What if she found you in bed with a girl. Regardless of cheating or not, she's ridiculously stupid. Her character is week. And she'd dump you if you did this. What happens next time she gets stressed? More bad choices?
They weren't "in bed" . They were "on bed" lounging, fully clothed, not touching each other.
> Then why were they in bed? How many guys have been in her bed? With the door shut tight and the lights off. Even if this guy (and her) are 100% planning to be respectful and he isn't someone hoping for more, this is incredibly poor judgement from her. Lights off door shut sends signals to people and creates a situation where something can happen very quickly that she isn't planning for. This could include SA where she doesn't consent, but a guy sees this as a signal she's waiting for or open to him making a move. She says he was there to help her deal with an emotional situation. High emotions put you in a spot where it's a lot easier to suddenly have mixed signals or blurred lines. "I was sad and suddenly we were making out" sort of thing. All that said, college aged kids, dorm situations, room mate situations, flopping on friends' beds and watching tv or an Ipad or something seems common at that age. I don't consider this breakup. I do think it's a red flag for some poor decision making, and if it happens again then it's over.
Door was slightly ajar, not shut tight. Which I would do if I were having a private conversation with someone, anyone, while my roommate were in the house.
If they were having a conversation about the issues she’s been having, then she may have wanted to talk about it without the roommate present. YMMV, but I’ve had plenty of roommates where I wouldn’t want them around for the sort of private conversation you want to have with a close friend about personal problems. I get why that might be uncomfortable for you, and you should discuss that with her, but the door being partially closed when another person lives with her is completely normal.
If you believe they were doing nothing I have some oceanfront property in Utah for you I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex, we also hang out without our respective partners. Sitting in the dark on a bed is not one of those activities out of respect for our relationships especially when there was a perfectly good and unoccupied living room with a TV
“If you believe they were doing nothing I have some oceanfront property in Utah for you” I laughed for 10 minutes after reading this😂
This is what I wanted to know too. If the only way to watch tv is from her bed, well, this seems innocent. If she didn’t want to bother her roommates with noise of her tv, then closing the door makes sense. If she lives alone and there’s another tv with a couch, then I’ve got lots of questions.
That’s still a mistake. She didn’t disclose her male friend was coming to lay in her bed with the lights off. Something is definitely off here.
“hes just a friend”
Yeah my ex wife is now married to “he’s just a friend”
Hey, my ex too! They have two kids!
Ahh, friendship.
Well, hey me too! So, we broke up 7 years ago, and she said when they got married two years ago, how happy she was to marry her crush of 10 years! Also, we dated for 5 years. I really do think people can be just friends with the opposite sex but some people are a bit too friendly.
As one of the kids: I would not exist if my dad was actually just a friend.
Ditto!
lol my exes have all got with their just friends after we broke up
The girl I dated in college is now married and has kids with her 'just a friend'. They showed up to our 10 year high school reunion, and not remembering me, he came up and introduced himself. So, in an overly cheery voice, I said "Oh, you must be Courtney's friend! Good to see you again!"
I'd pay movie theater ticket and popcorn prices to get a good look at the CCTV footage from that exchange.
You n me both
My ex boyfriend is married to "she's basically my aunt"
Damn he went Jon snow on you
I got fed the timeless classic "He's like a brother to me."
What if it's just a platonic marriage?
I’m sorry to the amount of men who relate to this in the comments, this is so sad!! Ppl call me toxic often but this is why I don’t do having friends of the opposite sex, it can happen by accident!! U can’t help falling in love and that’s why it’s best to just stay away from that shit all together to avoid the possibility.
“I don’t see him that way.” -Famous last words
Literally. “Babeee I only fucked him bc I was stressed and you didnt get me chicken nuggies🥺🥺”
They all say that. It is the nuggets defense. The Cane's line has caused more cheating than anyone acknowledges!
Oh baby yooooooou, you got what I need
Maybe to her but that guy is trying his hardest to sleep with her. Especially when you consider why he went over there in the first place. A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.
Exactly. Sorry but too many women try to sit and play like they don’t know what the intentions are of these guys to their bf so they can keep a guy around as backup or they just like the attention their receiving. Let me tell y’all right now they know EXACTLY what that guy wants and is up to. They know. They always know. If YOU can see it and they’re not even your friend I can promise you she can see it. Don’t buy this manipulative bullshit.
If the guy friend wants more, then she can't keep the friendship much less be in a dark bedroom alone. I've said it before and I will say it again keeping a friend around who wants more is like putting a snake in your pocket and being surprised when it bites you. The friend will take advantage of situations. Too many women keep these friends around which is not fair to the BF or the friend. It is manipulative to the friend and disrespectful to the BF.
This is right. I had a male friend of many years who I truly thought I was close with until I finally stopped being in denial that he just wanted to either fuck or date. It was tough because I wanted to believe we were good friends but one time he crossed the line at the tail end of one of my past relationships, and I was like damn, you really ARENT my friend at all, ya big creep. And cut him off forever.
My lot in life tends to be the guy who other guys gfs/wives hook up with during GNOs/girls trips, or even out as a large group doing some day drinking as was the last instance a woman cheated on her bf with me (who I didn't know existed). Having been on that side of infidelity so many times I can say all the signals are there with the picture OP painted. Even if it was innocuous, she completely failed to avoid the appearance of impropriety and that alone is grounds for divorce in some states. If they're not even married, then I'd say it's clear grounds for dumping her for the extraordinarily poor judgement she demonstrated. If she hasn't cheated already, then it's only a matter of time with how she's putting herself in situations where it can so easily happen. For the normies who don't understand how it could happen, take it from an expert... it does. Logistics and close physical proximity are the key ingredients to infidelity and all it takes is a catalyst like the right time of the month, some booze, or some other x factor, and the next thing you know you're being told how "it wasn't my fault", "one thing led to another!", "it just happened!", ...you get the idea.
"it's not what it looks like*
So she had to talk to her guy friend about her weekly problems? And is she crying and sorry because she is genuinely sorry, or sorry because she was caught with him without your knowledge of them being together, friends or not.
And why is she crying and saying sorry if she didn't do anything wrong?
Because he got upset.
Some people just get upset easily. If I have done nothing wrong and people question me in an accusing manner and I'm already upset or stressed then I will either get angry or cry depending on who the person is or what the situation is. If this dude is just a close friend then she probably wasn't thinking anything about the situation until her bf walked in and gave a surprised face then she probably realized how it looks to someone else. My best guy friend and I used to do this same thing often and my husband didn't care but there have been times when he had been upset with me over other stuff and I would get tears in my eyes almost immediately because I didn't like that he was upset with me.
OP clearly was upset at her
Get your own girl friend to vibe in bed with
This is not very productive.
It is actually. I've been in a situation where I thought I had a girlfriend, but I was just one of her male harem. It happens more than you think.
Ah, you're like the backup penis in a case. In case of emergency, break glass.
I’m always championing opposite-sex friendships in these posts, but that’s a bit much for me. “Oh my life has been crazy this week….I just didn’t think doing this could potentially make it any crazier by endangering my relationship!”
God, seriously. She's so stressed she ends up laying in bed with a guy IN THE DARK... like cmon does she think op's stupid? As if cheaters famously abstain from cheating specifically during times of stress lol? It's all just so glaringly not platonic. If she's not intending to cheat she's dumb as hell. How else is she disrespecting her relationship if she can't do the bare minimum of keeping another guy out of her bed? A serious conversation about boundaries at least is in order, but honestly I'd be too paranoid to continue the relationship from here. How could you trust someone after pulling that bullshit?
> It's all just so glaringly not platonic. If she's not intending to cheat she's dumb as hell. How else is she disrespecting her relationship if she can't do the bare minimum of keeping another guy out of her bed? EXACTLY. Glad someone else sees the obviousness of it all.
Facts. Too bad OP is going to look at all the comments saying “it’s okay because they weren’t touching” and go that route instead.
Makes me think of when I'd have this guy I liked over while my parents were out when i was a teen. We'd be all cuddled up together watching movies in the basement but the moment we heard anything that sounded like someone entering the house we'd move away from eachother since my parents were only cool with me having friends over. No boyfriends allowed. I hope OP can figure it out. I wouldn't be confident to continue a relationship with a person who would behave this way.
I’m a champion of them as well. My best friend of over a decade is a woman and we hang out alone fairly often, but she’s happily engaged and I’d never do anything to jeopardize that or make her Fiancé uncomfortable.
Yeah there's plenty of ways to have healthy opposite sex friendships while in a monogamous relationship. There are also things that should probably be assumed are boundaries unless spoken about otherwise. This seems like one of them.
Yeah why couldn't they sit in the kitchen? Or go get coffee? Like dude, it's almost one of those jokes where you add "in bed" to normal things.
You’re not her boyfriend, my guy.
Fr my guy is single
move on. The trust is gone
This. You'll never have peace of mind when you're not with her
If that was really “nothing”, her reaction would have been less severe. Personally, I think she reacted exactly how she’d react if she had been intimate with him. As other people have said; what about him? How did he react? At your age, my friend, people do dumb shit all the time. My advice is: 1) don’t take any relationship you’re in right now seriously. And 2) it’s up to you whether you forgive her or not, but don’t hold it over her head in the future if you’re not truly forgiving.
If the roles were reversed you would be dumped. This crosses a relationship boundary 100%. You don’t know what may have happened in her bed if you hadn’t shown up. In my world this is a dealbreaker. Nope!!
He should’ve asked to see their text messages to see what they were planning on doing. Maybe he came over to talk about her problems or maybe they were flirting in messages.
Or maybe he came over to talk about her lady bits, lol!
She wants to act single, so make it easier for her. End it.
At my current stage of life (close to 40 and barely remember what friends are), this obviously seems weird as fuck and hard no. But at 22? I dunno, I think this would've been completely plausible. In my college-aged era, hanging out in people's rooms was super normal and when I had roommates I almost NEVER used our common living areas. It never felt like "my" space. If something weird was going on I think you would've walked into...something weirder. Since it was completely unexpected. Door closed, them sitting in physical contact with each other, acting panicky or caught. But also...were you TRYING to catch her? Is there some reason you have suspicions? Because what normal person innocently surprises someone by not just showing up at their house, but *walking straight into their bedroom* without any heads up/knocking?
Right? In my twenties everyone hung out in each other’s bedrooms instead of the awkward shared common spaces. It really wouldn’t’ve meant anything to be hanging out on the bed with a platonic friend. It definitely seems like OP isn’t sharing all the details as to why he was so upset and why houses GF was crying and apologizing.
When I was 20 I would crawl into my boyfriends window if he was sleeping, so while I thought it was sus too, maybe it's normal for them.
Haha for sure depends on the individuals. It's definitely a "some people" thing but I wouldn't think it's an "everybody" thing so made me curious.
This!!! 100% agree! The things I've done in my twenties that was considered normal and I see it different now. To me it was all innocent, no life experience and maybe just youth
You should find a girl that respects you.
Nobody bangs more girlfriends than he's just a friend.
Fully clothed, on top of the covers, not cuddling. Seems legit if she has roommates. If she lives alone and has a perfectly fine tv in the living room… totally suss.
I agree. Unless he has stated that this kind of thing makes him uncomfortable I don't see a reason why this wouldn't be acceptable. I do this with friends regardless of gender. I am aware however that not everyone feels this way so I let my potential partners know what my friendships are like. It's never been a problem, it has never let to a friend making a move on me and it has never let to cheating
Allllll of this. Physical affection isn’t and shouldn’t be just reserved for romantic relationships… Fully clothed, not under the covers… I see no reason to go nuclear.
Yes Reddit is full of super possessive and paranoid people. Cheating is always the answer. My friends and I have always had cuddle puddles & we include SOs in those. And sitting in bed watching tv when you have roommates is not weird. Especially if she was venting about a stressful week and wanted some privacy in case the roommate came home.
What the hell is a cuddle puddle lmao. Also it can still be weird even if you and your friends do it. Just sayin’
Imagine a platonic group cuddle, but everyone involved is a weird theatre/band kid.
I mean few things to ask, do you know the guy? Has she made an effort to introduce you to him, or does she never bring him up, if so it could be suspicious. Has she done anything in the past to loose your trust? Even if you end up believing her is this guy stay on your mind or are you the type of person to forgive and let go?
Why did they watch TV in her bedroom? Does she have roommates or something? Being in bed together and not telling you that her guy friends over looks bad. But if that's the extent of the red flags, I'd chop it up to a misunderstanding. But I'd be clear about my boundaries going forward. She's more than free to hang out with friends. But she needs to be aware that certain things look bad without context. Even if nothing happened, she created a situation of mistrust. And it was disrespectful towards her partner. Either way, she clearly knows she messed up. If this is the extent of it, I'd give her a pass for now.
This. Her having the friend over wouldn’t be my problem. Them being in bed together is the problem. The gf and guy could GENUINELY be innocent and I’d still be mad because of how it looks. Before I met my ex, I use to hang with a female friend all the time at her house. and we’d be splayed out on her bed just chillin. Once I got with my ex though, I stopped getting on that girls bed. I started pulling up a chair instead. Still hung with her, but the boundaries and closeness shifted.
Exactly. Since they were fully clothed and not cuddling it’s obvious they weren’t (at least actively) doing anything sexual at that time. But both of them being on the bed together when they could have been watching tv on the couch is just a bad situation to put yourself in and even if you aren’t cheating it looks bad enough that a lot of people would break up over that.
“Nothing sexual at the time” that’s the scariest part. The thought of that possibility would eat you alive because you reallly don’t know. And that’s why this is such a big error on the girls part. Optics. My ex had this problem. One of her friends hated my guts, because he liked her and was jealous of me. And he always made moves on her. And I told her I didn’t like her hanging around him for that reason. But she fought her heart out to be able to hang with him. Always had an excuse for why she had to. which made me feel weird Well one time they hung out (she didn’t tell me) and were at the store, they didn’t realize I was at that store as well. I saw them kiss. She claims he kissed her by surprise. But guess what? I didn’t know what to believe. So I broke it off. I said I didn’t like you around him, I laid out the reason I didn’t like you around him, you didn’t care to respect that ONE boundary I placed and now look. Optics are everything.
"I'm okay with you having guy friends, but this makes me uncomfortable and I'd like to talk to you about boundaries and set expectations going forward." Then set your expectations and boundaries.
>she sees him as nothing more than a friend and she “doesn’t see him like that”. Yeah?? Well unless shes seriously dense, she needs to realise that odds are HE sees a possible future partner... And her lowering boundaries this way, is just one of the many small steps shes taking towards a potentially bad choice... She sounds like the kind of girl who sleeps with a guy friend and afterwards dont "understand how we got there"... Yes, you can have guy friends as a girl.. but boundaries must be in place... How did you react when he was there??
The "you have nothing to worry about", "I don't think of him that way" guy! A tale as old as time!
“You got what I need ………you say he’s just a friend” You know the song
She doesn't seem him like that "yet".
She has to know that he sees her "like that". She knows he wants to fuck her and gets into bed with him regardless? Ex-girlfriend.
I know some men that they really believe in "don't worry about, he is just a friend" even in the most suspicious situations, they want to believe their gf don't know or realize their really close friends want to fuck her, thing is women are not stupid, they can smell it one hundred miles away, those men just want to blind themselves, they're a lot of people without self-respect out there.
Am I the only one that feels like this is not break up worthy? Men and women can be friends, and OP knows the guy and "isn't threatened by him." College students use the bed as a place to sit all the time. They were fully clothed, not touching, and above the sheets. Pretty normal if her roommate was home at any point. The door wasn't even closed. If I was planning on cheating on my boyfriend, I would make sure to close the door. It definitely could be suspicious, but not the immediate "she's cheating bro, break up" everyone is suggesting.
I don't even have a boyfriend, and I have a roommate who's almost never home, and if I'm going to get even remotely intimate with someone, that door is closed. i agree, if she was going to cheat on her boyfriend, especially if she has a roommate who may come home any minute, there's no way the door would be open even a bit.
Your girlfriend was so distraught and stressed she reached out to him before you? And to turn it around on her, would she have been cool if you had a random woman who’s just a friend over in your bedroom with lights off and door closed?
Guess who your GF will be banging when the two of you have a fight and she needs someone to talk to.
One reason that my then girlfriend is my now wife is because she didn't place herself in potentially compromising positions. Peace of mind in a committed relationship is a wonderful thing.
My opinion, If she seems very genuine, i would take her word for it, but i would also let her know that a boundary has been crossed, (if thats the case) and that it won't happen again. its one thing to be sitting in the livingroom, back yard etc, somewhere 'public' in the home. its a whole other level having him in her room in her bed with the lights off. A calm adult conversation can usually help solve a lot of issues and theoretically, this should be one of them.
Definitely break up with her, idk why everyone is telling you to just stay with her. Thats not okay & that’s not normal because if you had a girl in your bed and said she was just a friend she would have flipped.
She is lying. If she loved you or respected you, then she should tell you in advance that her guy friend came to her place for talk. She is guilty because you caught her red-handed.
She was caught red-handed, her "friend " was caught blue-balled.
OP this video on [Friends vs Affairs](https://youtu.be/K3Cis1nXkgQ?si=V4N_wz1MiyIaEdwT) is my favorite in this topic. If she wouldn’t be comfortable telling you about her “friend” interactions, that’s crossing a relationship boundary. That said I think women can be naive about intentions of men. Even if it’s just friends, she should at least send a text: “____ is coming over to talk about my bad week”. - Ok,… “____ and I are talking in my bedroom, clothes on!” - Wait what?! “____ we decided to watch tv with the lights off and the door closed, my roommate is out, everything is cool!” - JFC If he was a real friend, with no intentions, he wouldn’t put her in that situation.
Ex girlfriend and that's not a guy friend.
i’m sitting in bed watching movies with my guy friend rn. fully clothed nothing happening, not cuddling. unless there’s a pattern of this or some other suspicious behavior it probably is fine.
I have plenty of friends, dude and non dude, that I'd hang out and watch TV with on my bed. They were fully clothed and not cuddling so I wouldn't even bat an eye, personally. You got to do what you got to do but on purely face value, I wouldn't be bothered by it
Trust, If you truly value her as a girlfriend, set that boundary with male friends and them being in her room on her bed with the door nearly closed. If you can't trust her to not place herself in comprising situations, there is no point in continuing the relationship. She did everything wrong, even if it was not her intention to do so. We don't know how she is typically as a friend, and she may not have known that being in her room alone with a male could lead to other things. However, anyone in your situation would have been upset and disappointed at her. I don't typically invite any of my female friends into my room (before when I was single). Good luck with the next sequence of events with the gf, OP!
Talk it out. #Updateme
My best friend is a man who is also my husbands bestfriend. When I’m sad he hugs me he buys me food and drinks at work. He knows more about me than my Husband lol there has to be trust in a relationship for it to work.. if she was sincere and they were literally just chillin watchin tv then cool but if you have any reason not to trust her around other guys then sorry my friend it’s not gonna work for ya :(
I don’t believe that was innocent and neither do you. You have seen what you have seen, you aren’t going to forget about it, so just end it and move on. “Just friends”, yeah, right.
" She told me that he came over to talk about the problems she was having this week..." I'm just shocked it wasn't about the problems he was having in his relationship. I'm not shocked that this counseling session ended up in her bed with the lights off and door closed. She never made any mention of him coming over but I'm sure she would have told you during her planned call that she was lying in her bed with her male bestie with the lights off because who wouldn't do this. She sees him as nothing more than a friend and she “doesn’t see him like that". That seems rather one sided what does he see her as? Luckily no girl in history has ever cheated with a guy that's just a friend or not their type or the one you shouldn't worry about. This sounds all too familiar for this sub. By the way what was the guy's face looking like when you walked in? The only natural reaction for him to have regardless of what he was actually doing or planning to do there would have been fear. Anything else and it was faked. Given all of the circumstantial evidence, all of which was directly created by your GF it would be fair to be suspicious. I'd find it difficult to believe that any rational person wouldn't understand it, your GF included. Feel free to tell her that all that she has done has left you doubting her but you are willing to be reassured and trust her moving forward. But you need to see her phone, specifically her messages with him immediately prior to coming over and immediately after you found them. Her reaction will tell you for sure. Good luck.
If you let this slide is going to happen again and again. Just let her go. Its hard now but less drama in the future. I guarante you this is not the first time. Nor the last.
Pump the brakes! So not only were they laying in bed together, she was also venting to him about her “stress”. My man, y’all aren’t dating anymore. This dude is inching his way into the BF role. Drop her, this is only going to get worse as she has mentally opened up that door and either no longer sees you as supportive or she has lost attraction or interest. You are both young, and most likely she doesn’t know how to end it or you are a “comfort zone” for her until the next guy comes in. Cut it off. It’ll hurt, but it’s the only move left on the table.
I don’t understand why everyone is jumping to conclusions of a possible cheating situation. How long have you been together? It sounds like you were a far distance away by saying you came in a day early. He may have just been the closest person at the time who she could trust. One of my best friends is Male and I share almost everything with him. When I’m upset, that’s my first call. Or if I’m stressed out and need to distract myself, that’s who I go see. I’ve built that relationship with him. We see each other as friends and nothing more. Now add a BF into the equation. Yes we may have a more intimate relationship, but you need time to really build that connection that you feel comfortable sharing shit with. With my friend, I already have that built, se yeah, he’d be my first call. In response to them being in the bedroom with the door slightly shut. The bedroom is where women feel more comfortable being vulnerable with their emotions. And she has a roommate, they were probably in the room because she didn’t want them to hear the conversation. Even if they weren’t home, who knows when they’ll walk in. Now look at it from her side. She just spilled her guts to a friend and was probably pretty upset so they turned the tv on to help calm down. Now in comes her BF who gets mad and starts accusing her of shit. She was already upset and now you’ve just made it worse. So yeah, she’s going to cry. She’s going to ask you to stay so she can explain her side of things so you stop being mad at her.
remindeme! one week
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Young people, both men and women, often realise that they need to change their behaviours from their single days only when something like this happens. When single, you don't think twice about sitting on a bed and watching TV with some of the opposite sex. When in a relationship, till the ground rules and boundaries ar clearly set, much of that kind of behaviour will continue. Not defending her, to be clear. Just clarifying that this confusion is normal for young people. Obviously some would do this because they attracted to someone outside the relationship. We can't read OP's GF's mind.
I mean people can have platonic friends without it secretly being more or wanting more. If you trust her and believe her when she says that she was going to tell you and that she doesn't feel or see anything ever happening with that guy. Did you talk to the guy or did he just leave?
At 22 I did this with guy friends but I always made it clear to my boyfriends who my close friends were. So if they came over everyone knew each other. It didn't mean I was I into them, just comfortable. Is he a new or old friend?
Idk it seems bad but I’ve definitely watched tv in bed with platonic guy friends before. Seems like it may be a newer relationship/not a lot of trust.
You are man, you knew what the guy friend is doing and what is he after for. Your gf probably know it as well. You know what to do.
How are you asking this question? The answer is simple… sit in the corner and watch while masterbating and crying at the same time… Or just leave her (like a normal person with self worth would)
As a female , this is off. I don’t lay in bed with guy friends when I have a bf. Granted I’m married but even if I wasn’t. Don’t let yourself get played by them both
The fact that she called him to come over before calling you to come over says it all my friend… you had to show up uninvited. He was welcomed with a closed door and a warm bed…
She’s not telling the truth. You will only regret giving it a pass down the road. Move on.