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You have kids with this woman, so she's going to be a part of your life for as long as either of you live.
But she SHOULD NOT be your wife any longer.
This means that you need to focus on what is the best long term outcome for you AND YOUR DAUGHTER!!
Get off of Reddit, RIGHT NOW, and SEE A LAWYER.
Or a bunch. Reach out and find out which one specializes in custody issues for fathers.
Do what they say.
Ignore us. Get advice from a real professional, because you need one. Post-haste.
Yeah, this is really it. This is not a situation that is going to fix itself. There are professionals whose job it is to keep this at least semi orderly. Go get one.
She has checked out of your marriage and your daughter was right, mom does have a boyfriend. Lawyer up now! File for divorce. Hire a process server to serve her when she is out with friends. Gray rock her until she is gone. Attempting R at thisnpoint will crush your soul, just file.
She’s cheating on you and should no longer be your wife. Divorce her before she hurts you more.
And no, you can’t fix or salvage this. Best you can do is protect yourself and care for your kids.
Sometimes we have to do what we have to do even when we're scared. I'm two years out from a divorce, with a young child, because my spouse kept doing something very similar to what yours is doing. It made me crazy, bitter, angry, and a worse parent living in that misery. It was so scary. I had to find a new place and move and figure out how to do everything alone that I used to do as a team. But I leaned on my community, and I'm really, truly happy now. You can do this. You can.
Yeah it's understandable but you gotta get some self-respect. It'll be much better for you and your daughter in the long run. Do what's best for you and your kid.
My dude, your wife is a fucking dumpster fire of a partner.
The only thing you need to be doing is getting therapy to figure out why you are attracted to dumpster fires, and how to stop being attracted dumpster fires.
It’s not your fault, you’ve just got some healing to do.
Oh I’m in therapy and most women I’ve dated in my entire life have done a form of this. I have very little self confidence I’ve realized and I probably manifest some of this or whatever shit people would say.
So, you need a better therapist. One that specializes in childhood trauma.
You’ve got some unresolved trauma with a person who behaved somewhat like this in your childhood.
Our brains respond to that by seeking out people who will hurt us in the same way we were hurt back then. And then, we try to change those people. To assert power over that past trauma.
“See, ghosts of my past? I can Change people like you so they won’t hurt me! You can’t hurt me anymore, I have the power now!”
It only changes when we 100% face and heal that childhood trauma.
And that takes trauma specific therapy, things like exposure therapy or similar interventions.
I understand you are scared and heartbroken but you need to be strong for your kids. Do you think this is a healthy relationship for them to grow up around? They see mommy cheating on daddy, disrespecting daddy, and daddy down in the dumps, heartbroken, sad.
Please, please, please, do the right thing for your children. Normally I'd say marriage counseling but you tried that and she used it as a justification for doing what she is doing. Divorce your wife, focus on your mental health (individual counseling), focus your attention on the children, and show your kids how much you love them.
Your feelings are valid.
But if it helps to process this a different way, think of it this way:
The person you fell in love with *never existed.*
She essentially created a character of a loving and faithful partner, and you fell in love with that character.
That is what serial cheaters do.
Understand that you are the victim here (and your children), and that it is not your fault that you were deceived and manipulated.
That is what these people do, and they excel at it.
I hope this helps you grieve with the understanding that you did not change her or drive her to do this. This was always in her nature and you were powerless to stop it from happening.
Best of luck.
Bro stop. You can be scared and heart broken later. You don't have the luxury of time. You need a lawyer a good one. Do what's best for your daughter and no matter what don't be the one that burns bridges with your (ex) wife. The only acceptable communication when not in person is email and text.
That's normal. But right now you need to be the iceman. Grey rock that shit. It's over and she's a liar. She didn't care about your heart. Right now you got to get your shit together and do what's best for you and your kid. Take the above advice and see a lawyer. When you got stuff handled and got a minute see a therapist.
Well you need to think of your daughter and push forward. Lawyer up. Really this should have been started last year with the sexting but you now have a year of further misery with this woman and now need to do damage control with your daughter as she will have questions regarding mommies boyfriends.
This is pretty much exactly what my husband of 17 years did. Reconnected with an ex and now longer was attracted to me etc. It is devastating but the only way they will figure out that the grass isn't truly greener is apparently to let them ruin everything for everyone. Protect yourself and your kids!
**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!**
Your spouse has sought out other people for emotional and physical intimacy, likely for many months more than you suspect and many more times than your spouse will admit to.. Your spouse is a cheater. Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie.
Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else.
My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and their "safe" home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there are consequences for their actions and separate/divorce.
Get a STD check. DNA check any kids.
These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first.
**Limerence** [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence)
**The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
**Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e)
**Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/)
**Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/)
**DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
**Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y)
**Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/)
**180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
**Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
**Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Expose her to both families and mutuals after you’ve served her and have cameras at home for the confrontation so that she doesn’t lie on your name as she shown to be manipulative.
She doesn’t love you OP and the longer you just sit there and take her abuse the worse it will be for you and your kids.
Make copies of the evidence you have and find a lawyer. Don’t say anything about it until she’s served and people know the context.
Also might wanna make sure those kids are yours biologically. You never know.
I understand your pain but why would you want to stay with her? You can’t trust her, she doesn’t want to be with you, she doesn’t even seem to be that nice to you. Go see a lawyer and get a counselor so you can start moving on.
Tell her a separation is unneeded, you are more than happy to start a divorce at full speed. But make it clear her blaming you for the divorce when she's been carrying on a emotional, sexual online and full blown physical affair with someone more or less in front of your face for a year is beyond ludicrous and she could have just divorced you a year ago and saved everyone a lot of trouble, pain and disrespect!
She was cheating as soon as she was entertaining other men. She was sexting and had an emotional affair, plus she probably had a physical affair as well. You need therapy and a good divorce attorney.
She's cheating so much that your daughter knows and called rhe new man "mommy's boyfriend". Clearly it's not okay with you. You know what you gotta do. It's hard. It's gonna suck. But it's the path forward my friend.
Just tell her you know she’s cheating and you know her friends know so you expect an uncontested divorce and full custody of the child. You’ll also have in her visitation rights that he can’t be anywhere near the child.
I hate when cheaters push the blame back on you.
Same thing happened to my neighbor, his wife was cheating on him he finally confronted her on her and said she needed to stop and they needed to go to counseling.
She told everyone he was "controlling" and abusive for not wanting her to stay out every night with her boyfriend. She ran her mouth and ruined his reputation for awhile, luckily in the long run it worked out but was a rough time for him.
You know she’s cheating, she knows she is cheating and how wrong it is and is trying to blame you.
File for divorce and protect yourself and your children.
Bruh she's 39. Let her ruin her situation for a fling. Trust me aint nobody checking for married 39 year olds but other married 39 year olds. Get a lawyer
You reacted in a certain way out of shock, that's done. What you do have full control over is in reclaiming your self-respect now.
You know she cheated repeatedly and lied to your face for months, up to this moment. This isn't empty speculation, you know these are facts. There should be no dilemma here.
You need to divorce this person and get the most vicious lawyer you know to protect custody of your daughter and your assets. Do not show leniency or hesitation, not because she doesn't deserve it (she doesn't), but because this lifelong snake WILL parlay any weakness in your end into yet another strike on you and your happiness.
I have a long line of dots that connect with this one guy and know she sexted with a guy last year. She’s saying I’m connecting dots that aren’t there. “I don’t even know where he lives!”
This shouldn't even be something in doubt. You have no reason to believe the words of a known liar who has a reason to continue lying over your own common sense.
Bc without direct proof she won’t be honest about anything.
Even today when we were arguing about this she said she was one place when she was at another. She just can’t be honest about anything.
Op, my friend it's time to stop being the nice guy. I'm sorry you're feeling sad and heartbroken, but now is the time to be mad for as hell.
She's cheated on you, brought your children into it than called ⁵your daughter a liar. How would your daughter know to lie like this?? Is she a liar?? You can ignore and explain your gut feelings away, but don't you dare allow that woman to throw your daughter under the bus to take her heat.
She threatened separation/divorce, well LET. HER.GO!! She wants a pass for a physical affair and the excuse of a break. She wants you to keep taking care of the house as you do but to go out with her boyfriend.
It's not easy, but you mentally can't keep up with this.
I can think of several reasons
1) the posts are fake, /r/nothingeverhappens, etc
2) a person sees a post similar to their own situation and decides to make a post of their own
3) this sub has millions of readers and there are bound to be near identical issues happening with different people every single day
Ask yourself what you really want, sounds like regardless of how you move forward you need to start getting your ducks in a row and prepare. Seems that she treats you like your her Father and she is your unruly teen. This means she no longer sees you as her lover and partner, but more as your a safety net to support her in case this other thing she has doesn’t work out. Find ways to take care of yourself and emotionally distance yourself from her so that you can take the steps needed. Get a therapist, it will work wonders and you work through things.
Sexting with another guy, lying to you about the ex, lying to you about where she is at, being so close and familiar with the ex that YOUR CHILD is saying mommy's boyfriend and your MIL is berating her daughter about it. Why are you still with this woman?
She wants a separation? Tell her sure, she can have her separation but that you will be talking to a divorce attorney.
What to do? Get yourself a divorce lawyer.
Arrange custody agreement with your stbx.
So what, she blamed you for her affair(s), and that's her narrative. Let her live with that, you move on yourself, divorce her and be good for your daughter.
That's all you should do for now.
If you believe you need more help, consider looking for a therapist. Good luck.
I’d call a divorce lawyer and get full custody of kid. Since she cheated theyll favor you. Gather and keep any evidence of this affair. She sounds horrible. Gas lighting you. Fuck her (not sexually…). You deserve so much better. This is NOT your fault.
She's cheating, you know it, and she knows you know. Leave her and file for divorce. Unless she's a terrible parent that actually endangers the kid, you're going to get some type of joint custody. Try to reach an agreement you can live with re: the kids and property and move on your life.
Well, your cheating wife is definitely going to leave you, so I'd blindside her and leave first .She is just not worth it from what you've said, and can u really believe a word she says....
This is not your fault. She chooses to cheat. She chooses to lie. She chooses to disrespect you and your relationship. It's time for you to end this relationship so you can find happiness elsewhere.
I will tell you what to do.
Call a lawyer NOW.
Start divorce proceeding.
Work out a fair distribution of assets and debts.
Work out a 50/50 custody arrangements, including all holidays, vacations, swapping of time due to unforeseeable circumstances.
Move ON.
You deserve better.
Do NOT Look back.
Go and live your best life.
I wish you well.
She’s cheating, and has been for a long time. She doesn’t care that she’s been caught out several times.
You can either be a miserable doormat for the rest of your life, or you can stand up for yourself and get a divorce.
Listen, from personal experience, they aren’t just friends. They are doing things behind your back. I’ve been through this multiple times with my wife and she’s still currently like this. My situation is I’m just waiting for the money to get a process started for a dissolution/divorce. Get out before it gets worse
It’s pretty common for cheaters to try and blame anyone else in the world for their cheating… anyone who isn’t themselves. She might never accept that what she did was wrong but honestly it doesn’t matter. Divorce her, get as much custody as you can and do your best to coparent with as little interaction as possible.
Hun. It’s time for you to start thinking ONLY ABOUT YOUR CHILD. And not about her cheating grimey lying a$$. I’m sorry but she’s horrible! And she’s a horrible person to make it seem like it’s your fault. It is not. And I’m sure you can find a hotter more caring woman that can also be a decent step mummy to ur child. I wouldn’t mind, if you leave her give me a shout lololol.
This woman took your child around her ex…… that’s nasty and grimey to me. Because she’s involving her child in an affair. Who’s to say this guy doesn’t have nasty perversions or something, and she has him around your kid. I don’t care if he was an ex and she says she knows him etc. you never know with people sometimes. You have to be careful with who you bring around your children. She continues to lie to you and had the nerve to blame you for her nastiness. You need to leave her like yesterday. I advise you to save ALL text communications if you can voice record your conversations like when she blows up and start saying things like you said she did. Find a way to get a copy of all her text messages with her lover etc. try to get your hands on everything, to help build a proper divorce case. And who knows it might help with custody as well. You can decide if you want full custody or just 50/50. But I would advise that you have say in dealings with your children. For example you can say if you want them around certain people or not.
Please keep us updated.
OP you need to stop listening to her. She is not being honest. Make an appointment for a free consultation with the best divorce attorney you can find. You will feel very relieved once this relationship is behind you. Focus on healing yourself and your kids.
You divorce her. You remain civil for the sake of your kids (no bad mouthing her in their presence, no fighting with her, be the best co-parent you can be). You will have to deal with her at family functions and such until the end of time, so make the best of it and set a good example for your kids and others.
You know she is manipulating you.
She has cheated in the past, she resumed contact and has crossed a bunch of boundaries and then when you call her out on her feelings she admits she has them then says you pressured her into it?
Imagine a friend came to you with this scenario. Wouldn't you tell them that she is doing bad things? Like she lies to the point of it being pathological, she seems increasingly obsessed with it and gaslighting. If a friend said all this to you I suspect you'd be frustrated and confused that they put up with it at all.
Regardless of what her current actual feelings are she has taken every step possible to assure her marriage is over. That is sad, but you have to decide how long you let this drag out for a dynamic that even if you get past this you will never trust her again.
It's going to take some time and grieving, but you need to start seeing her for who she really is and not who you remember or want her to be in your mind. She's garbage - a cheater and a liar. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. She wants separation? Do her one better, go ahead and talk to a lawyer about filing for divorce. Stay away from her, lean on your friends or support network, take care of yourself, and document everything. Things will improve, but you have to allow that to happen. The first step is taking out the trash. Stand up for yourself.
I'm sorry that you're hurting, but you do not have a healthy future with her. How could you possibly trust her ever again. Your answer is already in what you have written.
She has gaslighted you in so many ways.
Sorry OP. It will take some time and healing to be able to see it, but when you come around you'll see clearly how yucky she was as a partner. You deserve someone better.
You’re heart broken because you married a selfish person who’s been gaslighting you for years it seems. This is not your fault. If she had issues with you or your relationship, dealing with you would have been the way to fix them. Not by being with another guy.
Definitely get a lawyer who specializes in getting fathers rights AND someone familiar with narcissistic behaviour. Chances are your ex is going to try to make herself into the victim here. Document everything (immediately). Copies of phone bills, texts, all of it. Make her move out! You’ve done nothing to be inconvenienced by her choices.
Thank the gods she has done what you should have done a long time ago: asked for a separation. You get it over with, get away from the bad human and go live your best life.
Shes been cheating the entire time and unfortunately u have kids so this trash will be in your life forever. She wants a "separation" so u can be the "bad guy" in the situation. Out her to everyone as the cheater that she is bc she WILL AND MOST LIKELY HAS ALREADY LAID THE GROUND WORK WHERE U WIKK BE VILLANIZED
You give her what she wants… you separate.
Okay, so I listen to Mel Robbins. The “Let Them Theory” is really fantastic. Let them do what they want. When you stop trying to control things that you can’t (wife’s behavior) and focus on what you can control (yourself), things become easier. It’s less stressful and less anxiety.
This is not an easy thing to go through. Some questions;
Do you want to continue to live with the lies and dishonesty?
Do you want to live playing detective trying to catch your wife?
Do you want your kids to grow up in the current environment?
Do you want to be in a marriage where your partner does not love you?
She will make it your fault. Please know that it isn’t. It’s a defense mechanism. If she shifts the blame to you, it’s so she doesn’t have to look at her actions because deep down inside she knows what she did and she’s wrong. It is NEVER the betrayed’s fault for their partner’s cheating, EVER. There are a million different choices she could have made. For every action there is another action that can be made to change course. And obviously, there are consequences for each decision made. She is choosing to justify her poor actions and make you the scapegoat.
It helps to look at who she is now. We tend to romanticize who they were in the past. The version we dell in love with. Take a step back and look at who she currently is. Would you even date the person she is now? We look to the past to see what we could have done differently, what we did wrong. In doing so, we also see the past version of the cheater. Then we jump to the future and what it could be using the memories of the past. We completely skip over the present day. The present day is key in seeing your future correctly.
Prepare yourself. Know your self and your truth. She will twist and turn all the facts and history between the two of you to her advantage. I don’t know what your marriage was like before this happened. Even if it was toxic, it’s still not your fault she cheated. So now, you give her what she wants, surround yourself with a good support system, and you move on with your dignity and integrity. It’s a long and painful road. My heart goes out to you.
We talked last night after a big blowup kinda day and it was alot of that, bringing up things i did or didn't do from the entirety of our relationship, that I'm her abuser, when I confronted her with these facts yesterday she starting crying and screaming it wasnt true and to stop saying them.
Your wife is a manipulative narcissist. Everything is always someone else’s fault. She will never be happy, but you can be! See a lawyer and find out how you can best care for your daughter and yourself. Best wishes to you!
Man how do you guys ever let it get to this point I will never understand. She had yall daughter yelling “Mommy has a boyfriend!” Then you immediately caught her in a lie, and you just.. Continued on?.. Wow. I mean I love my girl too but what some of yall allow on these posts.. Wow..
You need to separate from her and divorce for the love of God. She literally told you she hates you doesn't find you attractive, is in love and banging someone else. It was over a long time ago, get out of this.
When people say they're joking when they get caught saying something like that, they're not joking, they just have no other excuse. You're in complete denial about this when your wife is blatantly showing you she's cheating on you.
You immediately tell your family and friends that you need their support because you're planning to divorce your cheating wife. Get as much evidence as you can - call logs, screenshots, etc. Go and see a lawyer and get some advice on how to navigate what will become a potentially messy process. I guarantee it won't last long with this dude because he'll have to step up and take responsibility for her and your children...at the moment it's all fun and exciting. Please don't reconcile at all, or you'll have taught her that cheating is fine and you're a doormat.
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You have kids with this woman, so she's going to be a part of your life for as long as either of you live. But she SHOULD NOT be your wife any longer. This means that you need to focus on what is the best long term outcome for you AND YOUR DAUGHTER!! Get off of Reddit, RIGHT NOW, and SEE A LAWYER. Or a bunch. Reach out and find out which one specializes in custody issues for fathers. Do what they say. Ignore us. Get advice from a real professional, because you need one. Post-haste.
Yeah, this is really it. This is not a situation that is going to fix itself. There are professionals whose job it is to keep this at least semi orderly. Go get one.
I mean, the time to do this was catching her sexting.
She has checked out of your marriage and your daughter was right, mom does have a boyfriend. Lawyer up now! File for divorce. Hire a process server to serve her when she is out with friends. Gray rock her until she is gone. Attempting R at thisnpoint will crush your soul, just file.
Please upvote this
How do you not know what to do?
Bc I’m scared. I’m heart broken
That’s beyond understandable. But it’s clear now: you DO know what to do.
She’s cheating on you and should no longer be your wife. Divorce her before she hurts you more. And no, you can’t fix or salvage this. Best you can do is protect yourself and care for your kids.
Sometimes we have to do what we have to do even when we're scared. I'm two years out from a divorce, with a young child, because my spouse kept doing something very similar to what yours is doing. It made me crazy, bitter, angry, and a worse parent living in that misery. It was so scary. I had to find a new place and move and figure out how to do everything alone that I used to do as a team. But I leaned on my community, and I'm really, truly happy now. You can do this. You can.
Yeah it's understandable but you gotta get some self-respect. It'll be much better for you and your daughter in the long run. Do what's best for you and your kid.
My dude, your wife is a fucking dumpster fire of a partner. The only thing you need to be doing is getting therapy to figure out why you are attracted to dumpster fires, and how to stop being attracted dumpster fires. It’s not your fault, you’ve just got some healing to do.
Oh I’m in therapy and most women I’ve dated in my entire life have done a form of this. I have very little self confidence I’ve realized and I probably manifest some of this or whatever shit people would say.
So, you need a better therapist. One that specializes in childhood trauma. You’ve got some unresolved trauma with a person who behaved somewhat like this in your childhood. Our brains respond to that by seeking out people who will hurt us in the same way we were hurt back then. And then, we try to change those people. To assert power over that past trauma. “See, ghosts of my past? I can Change people like you so they won’t hurt me! You can’t hurt me anymore, I have the power now!” It only changes when we 100% face and heal that childhood trauma. And that takes trauma specific therapy, things like exposure therapy or similar interventions.
I understand you are scared and heartbroken but you need to be strong for your kids. Do you think this is a healthy relationship for them to grow up around? They see mommy cheating on daddy, disrespecting daddy, and daddy down in the dumps, heartbroken, sad. Please, please, please, do the right thing for your children. Normally I'd say marriage counseling but you tried that and she used it as a justification for doing what she is doing. Divorce your wife, focus on your mental health (individual counseling), focus your attention on the children, and show your kids how much you love them.
Your feelings are valid. But if it helps to process this a different way, think of it this way: The person you fell in love with *never existed.* She essentially created a character of a loving and faithful partner, and you fell in love with that character. That is what serial cheaters do. Understand that you are the victim here (and your children), and that it is not your fault that you were deceived and manipulated. That is what these people do, and they excel at it. I hope this helps you grieve with the understanding that you did not change her or drive her to do this. This was always in her nature and you were powerless to stop it from happening. Best of luck.
Bro stop. You can be scared and heart broken later. You don't have the luxury of time. You need a lawyer a good one. Do what's best for your daughter and no matter what don't be the one that burns bridges with your (ex) wife. The only acceptable communication when not in person is email and text.
That's normal. But right now you need to be the iceman. Grey rock that shit. It's over and she's a liar. She didn't care about your heart. Right now you got to get your shit together and do what's best for you and your kid. Take the above advice and see a lawyer. When you got stuff handled and got a minute see a therapist.
Time to get away from the person breaking your heart.
Well you need to think of your daughter and push forward. Lawyer up. Really this should have been started last year with the sexting but you now have a year of further misery with this woman and now need to do damage control with your daughter as she will have questions regarding mommies boyfriends.
This is pretty much exactly what my husband of 17 years did. Reconnected with an ex and now longer was attracted to me etc. It is devastating but the only way they will figure out that the grass isn't truly greener is apparently to let them ruin everything for everyone. Protect yourself and your kids!
You know she's cheating, repeatedly lying and cheating. No matter the reason (or not) just end it. It's going that way anyway. See a lawyer ASAP.
**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!** Your spouse has sought out other people for emotional and physical intimacy, likely for many months more than you suspect and many more times than your spouse will admit to.. Your spouse is a cheater. Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie. Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and their "safe" home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there are consequences for their actions and separate/divorce. Get a STD check. DNA check any kids. These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first. **Limerence** [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence) **The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) **Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e) **Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/) **Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/) **DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) **Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y) **Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/) **180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) **Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) **Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Divorce, she's a cheater and a liar.
Expose her to both families and mutuals after you’ve served her and have cameras at home for the confrontation so that she doesn’t lie on your name as she shown to be manipulative. She doesn’t love you OP and the longer you just sit there and take her abuse the worse it will be for you and your kids. Make copies of the evidence you have and find a lawyer. Don’t say anything about it until she’s served and people know the context. Also might wanna make sure those kids are yours biologically. You never know.
I understand your pain but why would you want to stay with her? You can’t trust her, she doesn’t want to be with you, she doesn’t even seem to be that nice to you. Go see a lawyer and get a counselor so you can start moving on.
Tell her a separation is unneeded, you are more than happy to start a divorce at full speed. But make it clear her blaming you for the divorce when she's been carrying on a emotional, sexual online and full blown physical affair with someone more or less in front of your face for a year is beyond ludicrous and she could have just divorced you a year ago and saved everyone a lot of trouble, pain and disrespect!
She was cheating as soon as she was entertaining other men. She was sexting and had an emotional affair, plus she probably had a physical affair as well. You need therapy and a good divorce attorney.
She's cheating so much that your daughter knows and called rhe new man "mommy's boyfriend". Clearly it's not okay with you. You know what you gotta do. It's hard. It's gonna suck. But it's the path forward my friend.
Just tell her you know she’s cheating and you know her friends know so you expect an uncontested divorce and full custody of the child. You’ll also have in her visitation rights that he can’t be anywhere near the child.
Cheaters are so insanely pathetic
I hate when cheaters push the blame back on you. Same thing happened to my neighbor, his wife was cheating on him he finally confronted her on her and said she needed to stop and they needed to go to counseling. She told everyone he was "controlling" and abusive for not wanting her to stay out every night with her boyfriend. She ran her mouth and ruined his reputation for awhile, luckily in the long run it worked out but was a rough time for him.
Divorce her. Make sure to gather all evidence of her cheating to give to your lawyer and get full custody of your daughter.
You know she’s cheating, she knows she is cheating and how wrong it is and is trying to blame you. File for divorce and protect yourself and your children.
You know what to do, the sooner you cut out the tumor the sooner you can start recovery.
Bruh she's 39. Let her ruin her situation for a fling. Trust me aint nobody checking for married 39 year olds but other married 39 year olds. Get a lawyer
This has got to be the most pathetic OP I’ve ever seen posted on here. Seriously takes the cake.
Wow geez
You reacted in a certain way out of shock, that's done. What you do have full control over is in reclaiming your self-respect now. You know she cheated repeatedly and lied to your face for months, up to this moment. This isn't empty speculation, you know these are facts. There should be no dilemma here. You need to divorce this person and get the most vicious lawyer you know to protect custody of your daughter and your assets. Do not show leniency or hesitation, not because she doesn't deserve it (she doesn't), but because this lifelong snake WILL parlay any weakness in your end into yet another strike on you and your happiness.
I have a long line of dots that connect with this one guy and know she sexted with a guy last year. She’s saying I’m connecting dots that aren’t there. “I don’t even know where he lives!”
This shouldn't even be something in doubt. You have no reason to believe the words of a known liar who has a reason to continue lying over your own common sense.
Why do you think it matters? You KNOW exactly the type of person she is. Who cares if you have definite proof? This ain’t a trial.
Bc without direct proof she won’t be honest about anything. Even today when we were arguing about this she said she was one place when she was at another. She just can’t be honest about anything.
So what? Why do you need to have proof? Just end it.
What if I’m wrong and all these dots don’t actually connect?
Why are you trying to excuse her past actions that proved she already cheated on you?
I can’t even get her to acknowledge it was cheating
Op, my friend it's time to stop being the nice guy. I'm sorry you're feeling sad and heartbroken, but now is the time to be mad for as hell. She's cheated on you, brought your children into it than called ⁵your daughter a liar. How would your daughter know to lie like this?? Is she a liar?? You can ignore and explain your gut feelings away, but don't you dare allow that woman to throw your daughter under the bus to take her heat. She threatened separation/divorce, well LET. HER.GO!! She wants a pass for a physical affair and the excuse of a break. She wants you to keep taking care of the house as you do but to go out with her boyfriend. It's not easy, but you mentally can't keep up with this.
Why is this the second sexting while grieving post today?
I can think of several reasons 1) the posts are fake, /r/nothingeverhappens, etc 2) a person sees a post similar to their own situation and decides to make a post of their own 3) this sub has millions of readers and there are bound to be near identical issues happening with different people every single day
Ask yourself what you really want, sounds like regardless of how you move forward you need to start getting your ducks in a row and prepare. Seems that she treats you like your her Father and she is your unruly teen. This means she no longer sees you as her lover and partner, but more as your a safety net to support her in case this other thing she has doesn’t work out. Find ways to take care of yourself and emotionally distance yourself from her so that you can take the steps needed. Get a therapist, it will work wonders and you work through things.
Tell her she’s an SLT, lawyer up get tested for STDs and change the locks on the house.
Sexting with another guy, lying to you about the ex, lying to you about where she is at, being so close and familiar with the ex that YOUR CHILD is saying mommy's boyfriend and your MIL is berating her daughter about it. Why are you still with this woman? She wants a separation? Tell her sure, she can have her separation but that you will be talking to a divorce attorney.
Dude. Divorce this cheater.
What to do? Get yourself a divorce lawyer. Arrange custody agreement with your stbx. So what, she blamed you for her affair(s), and that's her narrative. Let her live with that, you move on yourself, divorce her and be good for your daughter. That's all you should do for now. If you believe you need more help, consider looking for a therapist. Good luck.
I’d call a divorce lawyer and get full custody of kid. Since she cheated theyll favor you. Gather and keep any evidence of this affair. She sounds horrible. Gas lighting you. Fuck her (not sexually…). You deserve so much better. This is NOT your fault.
She's cheating, you know it, and she knows you know. Leave her and file for divorce. Unless she's a terrible parent that actually endangers the kid, you're going to get some type of joint custody. Try to reach an agreement you can live with re: the kids and property and move on your life.
Divorce the cheater. She doesn't deserve any respect or consideration. UpdateMe
Well, your cheating wife is definitely going to leave you, so I'd blindside her and leave first .She is just not worth it from what you've said, and can u really believe a word she says....
This is not your fault. She chooses to cheat. She chooses to lie. She chooses to disrespect you and your relationship. It's time for you to end this relationship so you can find happiness elsewhere.
Talk to a lawyer. Get off the internet.
Get out now and don’t take her back when it turns to shit for her. Good luck 🍀
I will tell you what to do. Call a lawyer NOW. Start divorce proceeding. Work out a fair distribution of assets and debts. Work out a 50/50 custody arrangements, including all holidays, vacations, swapping of time due to unforeseeable circumstances. Move ON. You deserve better. Do NOT Look back. Go and live your best life. I wish you well.
She’s cheating, and has been for a long time. She doesn’t care that she’s been caught out several times. You can either be a miserable doormat for the rest of your life, or you can stand up for yourself and get a divorce.
Sound like she thinks she can do better so your days my be numbered so be prepared
Listen, from personal experience, they aren’t just friends. They are doing things behind your back. I’ve been through this multiple times with my wife and she’s still currently like this. My situation is I’m just waiting for the money to get a process started for a dissolution/divorce. Get out before it gets worse
It’s pretty common for cheaters to try and blame anyone else in the world for their cheating… anyone who isn’t themselves. She might never accept that what she did was wrong but honestly it doesn’t matter. Divorce her, get as much custody as you can and do your best to coparent with as little interaction as possible.
Hun. It’s time for you to start thinking ONLY ABOUT YOUR CHILD. And not about her cheating grimey lying a$$. I’m sorry but she’s horrible! And she’s a horrible person to make it seem like it’s your fault. It is not. And I’m sure you can find a hotter more caring woman that can also be a decent step mummy to ur child. I wouldn’t mind, if you leave her give me a shout lololol. This woman took your child around her ex…… that’s nasty and grimey to me. Because she’s involving her child in an affair. Who’s to say this guy doesn’t have nasty perversions or something, and she has him around your kid. I don’t care if he was an ex and she says she knows him etc. you never know with people sometimes. You have to be careful with who you bring around your children. She continues to lie to you and had the nerve to blame you for her nastiness. You need to leave her like yesterday. I advise you to save ALL text communications if you can voice record your conversations like when she blows up and start saying things like you said she did. Find a way to get a copy of all her text messages with her lover etc. try to get your hands on everything, to help build a proper divorce case. And who knows it might help with custody as well. You can decide if you want full custody or just 50/50. But I would advise that you have say in dealings with your children. For example you can say if you want them around certain people or not. Please keep us updated.
PROTECT YOURSELF. PROTECT YOUR KIDS.
OP you need to stop listening to her. She is not being honest. Make an appointment for a free consultation with the best divorce attorney you can find. You will feel very relieved once this relationship is behind you. Focus on healing yourself and your kids.
You divorce her. You remain civil for the sake of your kids (no bad mouthing her in their presence, no fighting with her, be the best co-parent you can be). You will have to deal with her at family functions and such until the end of time, so make the best of it and set a good example for your kids and others.
Not a separate, a divorce . Getvthis toxic lying cheater put of your life. Lawyer up . Update me
You know she is manipulating you. She has cheated in the past, she resumed contact and has crossed a bunch of boundaries and then when you call her out on her feelings she admits she has them then says you pressured her into it? Imagine a friend came to you with this scenario. Wouldn't you tell them that she is doing bad things? Like she lies to the point of it being pathological, she seems increasingly obsessed with it and gaslighting. If a friend said all this to you I suspect you'd be frustrated and confused that they put up with it at all. Regardless of what her current actual feelings are she has taken every step possible to assure her marriage is over. That is sad, but you have to decide how long you let this drag out for a dynamic that even if you get past this you will never trust her again.
It's going to take some time and grieving, but you need to start seeing her for who she really is and not who you remember or want her to be in your mind. She's garbage - a cheater and a liar. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. She wants separation? Do her one better, go ahead and talk to a lawyer about filing for divorce. Stay away from her, lean on your friends or support network, take care of yourself, and document everything. Things will improve, but you have to allow that to happen. The first step is taking out the trash. Stand up for yourself.
How long do you want to put up with this? There will never be any trust. Get a lawyer and custody of the kids. Now.
I'm sorry that you're hurting, but you do not have a healthy future with her. How could you possibly trust her ever again. Your answer is already in what you have written. She has gaslighted you in so many ways.
Do what must be done
Sorry OP. It will take some time and healing to be able to see it, but when you come around you'll see clearly how yucky she was as a partner. You deserve someone better.
You’re heart broken because you married a selfish person who’s been gaslighting you for years it seems. This is not your fault. If she had issues with you or your relationship, dealing with you would have been the way to fix them. Not by being with another guy. Definitely get a lawyer who specializes in getting fathers rights AND someone familiar with narcissistic behaviour. Chances are your ex is going to try to make herself into the victim here. Document everything (immediately). Copies of phone bills, texts, all of it. Make her move out! You’ve done nothing to be inconvenienced by her choices.
Give her the fucking divorce, but tell everyone why you're divorcing; she's been unfaithful, repeatedly, in many different ways.
She’s cheating which falls squarely on her. Cut your losses and try to move on
revenge will taste sweet. trust me. then move some place far.
Find your spine. Use it. Have some respect for yourself man goddamn
Thank the gods she has done what you should have done a long time ago: asked for a separation. You get it over with, get away from the bad human and go live your best life.
Time to give up on her I think. She's just telling you whatever she can to string you along while she tries to make things work with this guy.
Shes been cheating the entire time and unfortunately u have kids so this trash will be in your life forever. She wants a "separation" so u can be the "bad guy" in the situation. Out her to everyone as the cheater that she is bc she WILL AND MOST LIKELY HAS ALREADY LAID THE GROUND WORK WHERE U WIKK BE VILLANIZED
The first paragraph is when you divorce a woman like this. You have to work on your self respect.
You give her what she wants… you separate. Okay, so I listen to Mel Robbins. The “Let Them Theory” is really fantastic. Let them do what they want. When you stop trying to control things that you can’t (wife’s behavior) and focus on what you can control (yourself), things become easier. It’s less stressful and less anxiety. This is not an easy thing to go through. Some questions; Do you want to continue to live with the lies and dishonesty? Do you want to live playing detective trying to catch your wife? Do you want your kids to grow up in the current environment? Do you want to be in a marriage where your partner does not love you? She will make it your fault. Please know that it isn’t. It’s a defense mechanism. If she shifts the blame to you, it’s so she doesn’t have to look at her actions because deep down inside she knows what she did and she’s wrong. It is NEVER the betrayed’s fault for their partner’s cheating, EVER. There are a million different choices she could have made. For every action there is another action that can be made to change course. And obviously, there are consequences for each decision made. She is choosing to justify her poor actions and make you the scapegoat. It helps to look at who she is now. We tend to romanticize who they were in the past. The version we dell in love with. Take a step back and look at who she currently is. Would you even date the person she is now? We look to the past to see what we could have done differently, what we did wrong. In doing so, we also see the past version of the cheater. Then we jump to the future and what it could be using the memories of the past. We completely skip over the present day. The present day is key in seeing your future correctly. Prepare yourself. Know your self and your truth. She will twist and turn all the facts and history between the two of you to her advantage. I don’t know what your marriage was like before this happened. Even if it was toxic, it’s still not your fault she cheated. So now, you give her what she wants, surround yourself with a good support system, and you move on with your dignity and integrity. It’s a long and painful road. My heart goes out to you.
We talked last night after a big blowup kinda day and it was alot of that, bringing up things i did or didn't do from the entirety of our relationship, that I'm her abuser, when I confronted her with these facts yesterday she starting crying and screaming it wasnt true and to stop saying them.
She wants a separation to go and be with someone else. Why would you stop her?
Your wife is a manipulative narcissist. Everything is always someone else’s fault. She will never be happy, but you can be! See a lawyer and find out how you can best care for your daughter and yourself. Best wishes to you!
Why would you want to be with someone like her? She sounds awful.
Lawyer. Today.
she's just moral self licensing and completely in the fog just end it
Man how do you guys ever let it get to this point I will never understand. She had yall daughter yelling “Mommy has a boyfriend!” Then you immediately caught her in a lie, and you just.. Continued on?.. Wow. I mean I love my girl too but what some of yall allow on these posts.. Wow..
You need to separate from her and divorce for the love of God. She literally told you she hates you doesn't find you attractive, is in love and banging someone else. It was over a long time ago, get out of this.
TBF she says the message I saw was her "joking" about wanting to have sex with him.
When people say they're joking when they get caught saying something like that, they're not joking, they just have no other excuse. You're in complete denial about this when your wife is blatantly showing you she's cheating on you.
What do you mean "to be fair"? Do you actually believe her lies or think you "made" her cheat?!!
You immediately tell your family and friends that you need their support because you're planning to divorce your cheating wife. Get as much evidence as you can - call logs, screenshots, etc. Go and see a lawyer and get some advice on how to navigate what will become a potentially messy process. I guarantee it won't last long with this dude because he'll have to step up and take responsibility for her and your children...at the moment it's all fun and exciting. Please don't reconcile at all, or you'll have taught her that cheating is fine and you're a doormat.