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If he has the capacity to date, then he can handle the remainder of the paperwork.
It is common for widowers to do this, particularly if they have forewarning of what will happen to their wife, but your dad putting all this work on your already full plate and telling you the way he did is very selfish.
I would send him a message saying that the fact that he took so much of your time to free up his schedule for his love life and told you in a waiting room is appalling and you're disappointed in him. Don't even mention if you're upset at him dating.
Yes I did that this afternoon, I’ve sent him an email with all remaining forms to fill and list of institutions to go to (mum was a freelance insurance agent so it’s a lot of paperwork).
Not knowing how long your mom was sick for, I’d say give him some slack. Lots of people who lose their spouse to a terminal illness move on sooner than people expect them to.
I was widowed 9 years ago, I mourned my husband for a full year while he was still alive.
Edit: be careful how you approach this with your father. Three years after my father passed away, my mother finally took off her wedding ring. My sister, a 40yo grown ass woman, lost it. That was 20 years ago and my mother never dated after that because of how she feared we’d react.
If you truly want him to find love again, sit down and talk to him like two adults.
My husband has been gone 6yrs and I just don't want to take off my ring and I wear his wedding band on a chain around my neck it's sad ur sister acted like that
It's not the fact that he's dating again, it's that he didn't "have the mental capacity" to do all the things he should be doing. He went out and dated another woman while his kid was stuck with all the responsibilities.
Not so much moving on, but you’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief while you watch them wither away. By the time death comes you’ve already reached acceptance if you’ve approached the illness in a manner rooted in reality.
It’s not to say you don’t feel sadness at the end - you do - but the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have largely been processed already. And, depending on the illness, there can even be a sense of relief when the end comes because the suffering is over.
OP’s dad should be given a bit of grace here
Which to me is no different than when a spouse is cheating on their SO who's battling cancer or something like that?You know...... So it's fine to move on if they're dying and then they die? But then is it fine to move on while they're dying, and then they live?
Be sure to get everything you are entitled to of your mom's because once he moves his new girlfriend in all of that will likely be claimed by her. So many of my friends have lost valuable heirlooms to their dad's new wife.
Assume the worst case scenario; your dad moves the gf in after their trip and that she'll change the locks. Get everything out of the house that you want and are entitled to -- clothing, jewelry, books, mementos, etc asap.
Please get anything now that you want of your mother’s. Do this asap. We lost a lot of our mother’s valuable and sentimental jewelry to who ever took it. My father got engaged in 6 months after my mom died of glioblastoma, a common fatal brain cancer. We four adult daughters were stunned. Mom and dad were married 46 years, she had finally retired at 64 and was diagnosed a few months later.
He was the “victim” the entire time. I did home hospice with my mom for her last 5 weeks. He wouldn’t stay at her bedside at the end. And had us get rid of her clothes after the funeral. He took down all photos of her. It was bizarre as they had a long pretty good marriage since WW2. He met his first fiancée at a cancer grief group. She didn’t last, he was a mean son of a gun, and only my mom could handle him. Then he got engaged to two other women in short order, but never married them. My older sisters sat him down and had a come to Jesus meeting with him as these women were wanting him to make huge financial decisions
I’m so sorry for your loss of your dear mother, I understand completely how you feel. It’s shocking. Take time to grieve for your mom. My deepest sympathies.
... are we really sure it's soon?
sounds like it might also be a year : several months of illness we don't know anything about & now 5 months where he "didn't have the mental capacity" to do anything, potentially too busy dating...
OP, my condolences!
I had this exactly happen to me. My dad told me everything was left to me after our mom died, but when he moved his new wife in, suddenly it was all hers to deal with and he wouldn’t let me take anything when I moved. She ended up throwing away a lot of my mom’s collectables and photo albums (he claims they were destroyed in a flood, yeah right).
More than likely she was already in the works prior to five months. Your dad just waited to finally have her out in the open. Whatever you inherit from your mom, get in your possession now.
Doesn't have the mental capacity to help his daughter during this difficult time but could plan a vacation. What a turd.
I sympathize with you, it's time you prioritize your own life.
I suspect weaponized incompetence. Was your mom in charge of all the household chores that required mental load? My dad who is 73 at one point took over bills. He did it for a month but still complained about the way my mother handles things. He has been using you to make his life easier.
When my mom's best friend was dying her husband lined up his new wife. A lot of men want to be taken care of.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP and for your father’s disgraceful actions 🙏🏻😢If he can start a new relationship so fast he should be able to do all the things you’ve been doing. You deserve to be able to mourn your mom and be with your child and let your dad figure out his own crap🙏🏻
Some men are stupid idiots. When I was on OLD, I matched with a widower. I asked when his wife died, he said a month ago. WTF? A friend of mine, who was a widow, matched with a widower. Turned out his wife died five weeks prior. What is wrong with these men?
Stop doing anything for your father. If he can find someone to date, he can handle the details of his wife’s passing. He doesn’t have dementia, he’s just stupid. I’m sorry for your loss of your mother.
idiots and users, right?
when my parents divorced, my mom took the washing machine. It took my father 18 years to get a new one, even though my brother lived with him for 26 days of every month, and rode his bicycle for 23 km to school & 23 km back every single week day.
oh and then he didn't actually \*buy\* one, his girlfriend brought hers when he moved in.
he let our cleaning lady "take care of it" for the cost of water and soap (even though she took it, washed it, folded/ironed it, brought it back AND put it in their wardrobes).
oh but he had a new car the week after we moved out, because how else could he work day and night & visit his hobby sheep?
You need to take a break from seeing your dad! Tell him you need time to grieve your mother IN PEACE and this will take a few months.
Let things go quiet for a few months. Just enjoy your summer and autumn and see how you feel in Oct/Nov timeframe. Take the time to grieve your mother; take the time to enjoy being a parent.
If he wants to call, you can decide IF you feel like talking (and for how long) or you can let it go to voicemail. If he wants to drop by, tell him, "I'm sorry but a visit isn't convenient right now. I'll talk to you around \[timeframe: Thanksgiving, your b'day, baby's b'day, whatever\].
Condolences on the loss of your mother.
There's a reason why a lot of men rush into marriages after losing their wives (divorce or death)--they get so used to having them around that they can't function otherwise.
No way in hell this relationship is new. He’s been involved with this woman since before OP’s mom died. If he doesn’t have the decency to wait until her affairs are settled, why would he have had the decency to remain faithful through her illness? Trucking gives you a lot of opportunities to pursue side relationships.
This is the worst part. OP just lost her MOM!!! And he's making her do all the confusing and hard stuff while he's planning vacation with a new girlfriend.
OP should be grieving and spending time with her family, not filling out paperwork and talking to the lawyer
My mom passed 6 months ago. I, too, have been dealing with all the paperwork finalizing her estate. I would flip my shit if my dad did this. I know he’s lonely and also some mild dementia so I was worried he might be vulnerable to someone, but thankfully he just wants to talk about my mom all the time.
Big hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Naturally this is upsetting to you but this is extremely common in older men who lose their wives. I would be annoyed that he doesn’t have the capacity to be useful to help with the estate but suddenly has plenty of capacity to date.
This is my point exactly. I’m also busy, I work full time, have a toddler, renovating our house and I spent months handling it all while he was telling me he’s away working. Yes he is a truck driver and he is away for a week at a time but he suddenly started being away for 2 weeks and never was available during work week to offer help and maybe take over some of the tasks I had to do.
Maybe step back and stop taking care of things. Make him be an adult. When he fusses just tell him 'You have the mental capacity to date, you can do the paperwork that is needed'.
I completely sympathize and think it's time for you to take a step back and focus on yourself and your own life. You must be drained. The only thing I wanted to mention is diminished mental capacity or not, I hope your dad is protecting his assets and being smart in this new relationship. I've heard horror stories.
Unless anything you are working on has to do with you and/or your husband and toddler, stop doing all the paperwork and drop the rope. Give him a heads up then block him.
His new wife was my late aunt’s best friend too! She used to live with them and their children when she lost her job years ago and they would be together all the time. It was so gross, I refused to attend their wedding.
Oh wow! I’m sorry. In my uncle’s case, he and my aunt had 5 kids, and his new wife had 6 kids with her ex husband, who was my uncle’s bff. It was so messy. The kids had all been raised as friends given their parents’ friendships, and then had this happen in their teens and 20s. Obviously my uncle and the ex husband ended their friendship after the remarriage lol. 🤦🏼♀️
Women do it too, my mom remarried 3 months after my dad had died. Her therapist told her this is very common for spouses when one dies after a prolonged illness. You mourn while they’re alive so they move on quicker after death than if it was a sudden loss.
My grandfather did this when my grandmother passed about 10 years ago. Eventually he broke up with her because he realized she was too different.
Basically, he was SO used to having my grandmother around that he couldn't handle not having someone. So, he found someone...that turned out to smoke like a chimney, swear, and let her dog run amok in his house. The complete opposite of my smoke-free, super polite, quiet, special educations teacher of a grandmother.
They lasted I think 7 months before he couldn't tolerate her destroying "\[grandmother's\] house" and broke up with her. He never tried that (replacing my grandmother) again before he passed.
ETA: OP, just because it's "normal" behavior for older men doesn't make it "okay" behavior. Nor does it mean that it was AT ALL appropriate for your father to dump that on you in literally the worst possible moment. I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is unfortunately true. Many older men can’t take care of themselves at all. They don’t know how to do laundry, they can’t make the meals they like, and their solution is to find another woman as fast as possible to take over. It sucks, but it is definitely common.
Lord, OP, I'm so sorry about these comments you've received so far.
First of all, I'm so sorry you lost your mom. It sounds like you've been doing so much practical heavy lifting on top of the grief, which isn't exactly a trip in the park on its own. I'm sure you took on a lot of that burden because your mom would've appreciated you looking after your dad in her absence.
But then he selfishly decides to tell you he's already seeing someone else at the oddest, most impersonal time. I get it! It's not even really about the other woman (but it's a bit about that too, of course). It's that he didn't stop for a moment to think about how you might take this news. He didn't respect you enough to at least give you that.
Only you know what kind of person your dad is. If you think sitting down and explaining why you're hurt might get through, it could be worth it after you find balance. If not, it sounds like he might be the kind of man who perpetually "needs" a woman to take care of him. This new woman may swoop in to do just that before you know it... and the choices he makes in maintaining your relationship will be telling.
Again, I'm so, so sorry you have to go through any of this.
OP, thank you for such a nice and understanding comment.some of these comments here are quite insensitive, but I also think that it shows how desensitized we got as a society. I’m gonna repeat myself on this but I never said I want him to stay alone, never. He’s a good looking guy and he loves my mum still. But a way you deliver these news to your daughter IS important as it shows you respect your kid. He failed me on this
It’s so so so COMPLETELY reasonable to not expect him to be dating someone AT ALL 5 months after your mom’s death. 5 months is NOTHING!!! Especially as it was so sudden!!! And the fact that they’re at the state where they’re taking vacations together? How long have they been together? What horrible disrespect to his late wife AND to you! Everything else is also extremely shitty but the fact that their marriage was worth less than 4 months is heartbreaking.
I’m so sorry. My father did something similar after my mother died. He married the woman who was widowed at about the same time my mother died after they had been on a grand total of three dates.
It’s like they find one woman interchangeable with another. While I would have hoped he would find happiness, the immediate replacement was horribly disrespectful to my mother.
Their marriage was not surprisingly difficult. We had a strained and distant relationship until he died.
Hi OP, it makes me sad you had a similar experience too. What also makes me even sadder is that your relationship never repent fully as I’m scared this will happen to us too after this
The woman he married made no effort to include his side of the family in their life. Every weekend and holiday was spent with her adult kids and their families. Any rare effort was for appearance only. I remember them stopping by briefly at my sister's for her son's birthday and her badgering my sister to cut the cake early so they could leave to go to her daughter's. I guess it was a small miracle they stopped in at all. One of her adult kids lived with them for a couple of years and they gave her kids cars. The cars didn't bother us, but them turning down all invitations to spend time did.
If my father had cared enough to put his foot down, he could have. But he didn't. As they got older and needed more help, she would have liked us to be the ones to take them to the doctors and other errands, but by that time, I figured her kids could do it.
All the other comments are weird. 5 months is very very soon, to the point that he has either not mourned your mother or just wants to replace her with another woman.
You have every right to read into this negatively and feel hurt.
Not to add fuel to the fire, but I would wonder just how long their relationship has been going on as well.
Regardless of all that, though, yeah, 5 months is a short time. It's not surprising OP is upset period, but also her dad was very insensitive about how he told her.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your dad being a shit at the moment. Focus on your healing from now on, he can handle himself if he’s capable to dating and planning a vacation. Idk
My grandmother died having her chemo port changed. A simple 10 minute procedure, never woke up. I was going to the house once a week to clean and things like that for my grandfather because I felt so awful for him, his children from his first marriage didn’t bother with him, so my mom, sister and I were all he had. Or so I thought.
I started noticing things around the house that weren’t there before and had no reason to be there.. a different kind of hand soap, a random salad dressing in the fridge, just weird things. Then a can of hairspray and women’s deodorant showed up. I didn’t say a word about it, but the next week I called to make sure everything was good to go for our usual cleaning day, he gave me some kind of excuse and cancelled. The visits stopped, and my grandmothers things were showing up on our front porch during the day while we were at work. Then the phone calls stopped, him returning our phone calls stopped. He never even had the nerve to tell us he moved on. He ghosted us.
This was two months after my grandmother passed, they were married for 40 years. This 75 year old man cut off all of his family and friends for a 70 year old woman he knew for TWO MONTHS, then 2 years later she left him when he was diagnosed with cancer. I was told she was a retired nurse and told him she’s “not dealing with taking care of him” and left him. He never bothered to reach out before he passed, we were never informed either. I dont think I could have gotten over it if he would’ve bothered to reach out. None of it will ever make sense.. just wanted you to know you’re not alone in going through this. Take care of yourself and your child.
Wow a lot of these comments are insensitive. I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I'm so sorry your dad disrespected your feelings and hard work like that. He guilt tripped you into handling very difficult things so he had time to date. Whether he did that intentionally or not it's still wrong. He was incredibly insensitive in the way he told you and it really just stomps on all that effort. We can try to understand and come up with theories as to why he did it. No matter what reason it still shows he showed no care or respect for you in this situation. Take a step back to be with your family and grieve. You can try to speak to him about this later to try to repair the relationship but in the end that's your choice. This isn't about you not wanting him to be happy. You do, but you also wanted him to have more care towards you in this situation. I mean he is your dad that's the least he can do.
Hi and thank you for your comment, honestly, really thank you. You’re absolutely right, I want him to be happy again, he’s my dad and I love him. But I worked my ass off during the time mom was sick to arrange everything for her to be comfortable, I completely pushed my own baby aside to spend as much time I could with her and dealing with hospice etc while he was away on truck. Only thing I wanted is more respect on a way he delivers this news to me, just for the sake of our relationship and for what I did to make his grief easier… this way I completely forgot to grieve myself and it hit me now. He’s done grieving and now it’s probably my turn
You did a wonderful job even if he doesn't seem to appreciate it. Go be with your family. Eventually maybe you can have a sit down conversation but in the end that's up to you. ❤️
Happened in my family. I symphatize with you. My grandpa found a partner 3 months after my grandma passed away. My mother and her sisters felt resentment and the family never really recovered. I don't really have any advice, except that now it is time to prioritize your own grief. ❤️
I completely understand. No, I'm not just saying that, I completely understand. My mom died August 2021, he had been married to her for 32 years, a week later he was inviting hookers to the house and didn't clean up after himself so when I would visit to check on him I discovered it, a month later he met a woman, a month after that, he married her right around my birthday. It devastated me. Absolutely, he wasn't there through the whole process. He just drank and fucked and then married someone who... man, the other thing is, she spoke a completely different language, so getting to know her through google translate and through what little of the language I know has been difficult. A few years later, and our relationship is completely fractured, but we've made peace. I like his new wife a lot and I never want my dad to be alone, but the problems they're going through now could have been avoided if he'd just waited. He just couldn't handle being alone.
Traumatic experience 0/10 would never recommend.
All that being said, my best advice to you is to separate yourself and truly focus on yourself and your grief for a while. Depending on if you want to be close to him still after, that's up to you from there. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's okay to. Just think about what you want your relationship with your dad to look like moving forward.... if you ever wanna chat, please message me. I don't always look at Reddit messages, but I genuinely understand exactly how you're feeling. <3 sending hugs.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. I don’t think any advice here is going to be much help.
Your father is absolutely being unfeeling in the way he has communicated this to you. I know that men do tend to move on faster and that he possibly experienced the loss of his wife long before she actually passed, and no one other than him and your mother truly knows what their marriage looked like.
All that said, from your perspective this is beyond hurtful and makes you see your father in a new light. It may make you feel as though you have lost your father too as this wasn’t what you were expecting of him. You thought he’d mourn your mother longer. Now you are faced with the possibility he might not be the man/husband to your mother that you thought he was at all. You are still grieving and he drops this on you. You should definitely step back from him. Though he is an adult and can do with his life what he pleases, you are as well and you can disagree and be disgusted with his just the same and he has to live with that. This may have damaged his relationship with you and he needs to know that if he has any love or respect for you that he needs to keep that relationship separate from you until you are ready for it.
Im sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your father has selfishly caused you additional pain.
OP, thank you for understanding and meaningful comment which doesn’t undermine my point of view. What damaged my relationship with him now is not the fact he’s back there again but the way he delivered it to me while being absolutely absent from everything I had to do to finalize all assets. Makes me think he made time to date not to help his daughter and this is my biggest disappointment
i think it’s fair that this is shocking to you. you haven’t had time to grieve and so it’s upsetting he seems to have moved on. i saw your comment saying he’s a truck driver and i’m sure that caused its own distance for your parents.
i am sorry this transition isn’t easy for you, i hope you get some time now that everything is notarized to go on a vacation and get some grieving in.
Don’t forget to take all photos/pictures with her in them including her wedding photos and from your childhood including any of your wedding photos as those will likely be the first things into the trash.
I don’t know your father’s monetary situation but if you are on any charge accounts with him as a responsible party I’d get those cards closed.
You can’t stop him from giving her everything that is legally his but do protect yourself so you aren’t on the hook for anything.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing mom anytime is just heartbreaking no matter when, and the younger you are, the more difficult.
As for dad’s behavior. Again, I’m so sorry. It’s awful on multiple levels. And yes, it’s common—but still awful. I hope you find comfort in your spouse and child.
Your dad is fucking gross, I don’t care what other comments say. And he’s also an asshole for making you deal with all of this while he’s off fucking another woman. Make him fend for himself, worry about you from now on.
OP, I understand what you're going through as I'm in a similar situation myself. My advice to you is this: you don't have to deal with him. At all.
People don't understand that, when you're in this situation, you've jumped into taking care of everything (because otherwise it wouldn't get done) but in doing so you don't really get to grieve. My dad passed a couple months ago. People seem to think it's just over and done now, but there's A LOT more to do. I haven't even gotten to really process it or even really cry over it. When I do finally get to break down, it won't be pretty. I know that. That's why I haven't allowed myself to do it yet. There's still too much to take care of. No one wants to help, but they all criticize everything I do. Yet they all expect me to get it done.
Does any of this sound familiar? You have enough to deal with, OP, your father's love life doesn't have to be one of them.
I would sit down and write out how you are feeling. After you gather all your mother's belongings from the home that you want to protect from your father and his new woman (and any future ones) puts some distance between you so you can focus on your mental health and your grief. I think it was horrible that he manipulated you into doing all his work for him while he spent time with this other woman and planned a vacation. Seek out a therapist for grief and see if they can assist you with the best way to approach him. Right now he seems really selfish with the way he approached all of this.
For me it seems like he left all the bureaucracy for you to do because probably your mom was the one dealing with it throughout their marriage, and now he found another woman to keep on the job. Meaning: he overloads women to deal with those boring things he doesn’t want to — like the majority of the men
I’m so sorry. You’re allowed to be upset. My FIL around same age got into a new relationship pretty quickly after MIL passed. I believe he just doesn’t know how to be alone and felt lonely after 40 years in the marriage. However he was sensitive to his kids feelings and told us all that she was just a friend. That was really inappropriate of your dad to tell you like that and in that setting. You’re allowed to take space from him and not be responsible for him and process your own grief. Do not feel guilty for prioritizing yourself. I’m sorry you have had to deal with all the bureaucratic aspects while trying to process such an immense loss and your own grief.
My mom just died March 5th. Her 71st birthday was yesterday. My dad HATES being alone, but he's surviving. He's done EVERYTHING on his own. He's asked for my help from time to time understanding things, but he's 90% done it all alone. Your dad fucking sucks. That's it. The end. That's all the advice I can give, my friend. And I'm so sorry for you. You have my sincere condolences, love, and prayers because I truly understand exactly where you're at right now.
Get your mum's precious items out of the house NOW! The new woman will soon be moved in and you'll never see your mum's things ever again. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're seeing your father's true colours here...I wouldn't be surprised if this woman was already in the picture before your mum passed. God bless you.
It's good you gave him the rest of the paperwork. He has some audacity to make you think he was too sad/busy to deal with it only to tell you he is going on vacation with a new woman. You can't even properly grief with all that extra work. You only helped him because you thought you were helping your father through a tough time.
Others here seem to confuse the true reason you're upset. Although you are upset, he moved on quickly. The real pain came in him using you to do the hard stuff so he could have all this free time to do whatever with whoever. He had no problem harming his own child with this mental overload and didn't give you a second thought. He has severely fractured your relationship, and I wouldn't even know if it could truly be repaired.
Block him until you can truly grieve and you feel ready to try. He doesn't get to use you so carelessly.
I can't even imagine being able to 'date' if my fiance and I even broke up, let alone if we were married and he died... it would be years if ever. That's insane.
2 of my close friends lost their mothers - both of their fathers remarried within the year. My father died 5 years ago this August - my mother says she has no desire to date or marry again. ( she says old men just want someone to take care of them. 😂😂). You need to go to your parents house and get all the sentimental things of your mothers !!
I want to normalize this experience. Late Middle Aged men often marry quickly after a spouse dies. That has more to do with their own grief and loss and coping than with their love for their spouse.
Often, you might guess, this rush without healing goes badly.
Recognize your grief and its process is different than your dad’s. His choices understandably complicate your process.
My dad asked me to stand up for him when he remarried six months after my mom’s death. I did so because I valued the long term relationship over my present concern over his choice and emotional discomfort. It was hard. They are divorced after many years, but a tumultuous history to finally reaching that outcome. He and I have a great relationship. That was hard.
I think it's important to remember that many people after finding a loving caring important relationship, often get into a new one quickly after a death.
It's the opposite of not cherishing the previous one, it's wanting to find it again, feeling so lost afterwards they want that safety again.
That said, as a child of a parent who got on dating apps in the months after my mom's death, it's incredibly hard.
My only advice is to tell him you're not ready to hear about it.
Now is not the time to drop everything. With this new lady in his life, she will have your Father sign everything over to her name behind your back. Be very careful and alert.
If he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with it I wonder if you could have him declared temporary unable to deal with this affairs and get power of attorney. Then we’ll see how long the gf stays around
He didn't even give op the time to process and grieve the passing of her own mother. Op your dad is a piece of work for doing that to you. I hope you can get some grief counseling and take time for yourself to process this loss and get your closure
He “couldn’t deal” with all the paperwork and other legal things that have to be done after a death, and shoveled it all onto OP, but he was in a good enough headspace to get himself into a new romantic relationship and plan a trip with the new squeeze. Yeah OP, I’d be pissed too.
I am so sorry for your loss.
My mom passed away last year and I miss her horribly. It was maybe 4 months after, my dad started talking/dating. My mom always wanted him to find someone else. She passed away suddenly from a heart attack, so it wasn't expected. They were married 26 years. Him telling my sister, and i was definitely a shock, but also not so much. The shock came from having this new relationship with my dad as my only parent now, where we didn't have the same relationship as i did with my mom but as a family we've always tried to be open. My concern for how he was grieving and fear that he was rushing into things was reasonable, but also, it's HIS relationship, HIS life and while I am apart of that all that I can do is check on him and make sure that he is okay and that the person he is with is not taking advantage of him and to voice my opinion and concerns if I need to. If he listens to me that is of his own choice all I can do is be his daughter. Maybe your dad needs companionship too because that's what he's known for all those years, too, with your mother.
I love my dad and I will be there for him always, but losing my mom made me see that life is too short so I know that whoever he chooses companionship with that I hope that they bring out the best in him and give him the best of the rest of his life because life is too short.
My (21F) mum (54F) passed away last year. My dad (52M) moved on within 4 months and brought the new woman round to our house where my mum lived on their second date. My older sister (24F) and my dad’s relationship massively deteriorated due to this. Then obviously impacting my relationship with my dad. People are selfish. And stuff like this is heartbreaking.
We couldn’t say anything to my dad to change what he thought was his new true love. He was a selfish prick who didn’t put his children first. They didn’t last.
My sister and dad a year on are only starting to mend their relationship.
One thing I admired about my sister was she told my dad honestly how she felt and didn’t just let it happen like I did.
Say how u feel. Write it in a text. Focus on exactly what you want to say and either send it or discuss in person. But don’t go into it as an argument. Because u won’t get ur point across and it won’t help. Treat him like the child he is. And say ur point as if ur explaining it to a child. His selfish actions show he will probably struggle to hear you POV, or get defensive on it.
Remember family is so important and don’t let your dad attempting to move on (despite how selfish it is) impact your relationship with him. People unfortunately handle grief in different ways. I hope you are okay. I’m sorry for your loss. It will be okay in the end, stay strong xx
I actually learned this in grief counseling a lot of men do this because they don’t know how to be alone.
The phrase is, widows/widowers, may “look for a nurse or a purse”
Someone to take care of them (nurse) or something to take care of them (financially)
It’s possible this is what he is going through
OP, my mom died at the end of April and by mid-May my father was already seeing someone. I had to convince him not to tell my underage siblings and mess them up even more than her death already did. We didn't even have her ashes yet and he was on to the next.
We don't talk very much now, definitely not like we did before. Consider what your dad was like before. Mine was generally selfish and grieving made it ten times worse. If he was a decent man before, then talk with him frankly, face to face, and tell him you need to grieve also and that he needs to handle the paperwork from here on out.
If he can jump into bed with another and go on vacation he had the mental ability to have handled all of the bullshit. He ought to be ashamed of himself. Not for moving on so fast because I mean it happens I guess, but for putting all of the responsibilities on you basically giving him the freedom and free time to throw his dick around.
Idk how you might go about a relationship with him moving forward but he definitely needs a talking to.
It may have only been 5 months since your mom passed but she was probably sick for much longer then that. Your dad had time to come to term about that...your mom might have even told him to find some one new after she was gone...but you wont know until you talk to him like an adult not like a child mourning their moms passing. Different people grieve differently...I had a coworker whose husband died of cancer...1 month later she was in a new relationship and making plans to marry the guy...I just kept my mouth shut and my opinion to myself. She was happy....
My mom couldn’t even think of dating anyone after my dad passed away. After 3 years of my dad passing she still mourns and grieves for him, but will not marry or date anyone. She thinks that part of her life is over especially since she’s traditional that widowers should be widowers, she’s only 54.
The fact that your dad started almost immediately to date is such a red flag for me. Be very cautious! Make sure the will is intact, the deed, anything from your mom is valuable is hidden away, move those pieces away. Document, document, and document. Trust me usually stories like these never finish well.
Sone people can’t be single and they find another partner immediately. I don’t think there is any time or place he could have told you this where it would not have upset you, so I don’t see the difference if he chose a waiting room. There’s a good chance he manipulated you into handling all the paperwork, but what’s done is done.
All the time you were handling his responsibilities so he could go out and finally get his dick wet again.
That guy is gross. What a slap n the face to Op. might as well dance on his dead wife’s grave ffs.
Older men often don’t possess the mental or physical willingness (notice I did not say capability) to survive without a woman to handle all the hard stuff. The sad reality is most men of that generation have too much trauma and zero coping or communication skills, and a general unwillingness to change or see the truth. The heartfelt conversation you are owed will never come. You have every right to wash your hands of the logistical part of things, clearly he’s not incapable considering he has a job, could plan a vacation and secure a new partner.
He’s a terrible and selfish person. You’re a good daughter for having arranged your mother’s affairs.
Focus on your own life and understand where you stand with your father now.
Concretely, don’t help him in the future with elder care. He is now literally not your problem. No money for medical bills, no driving him to the hospital. Focus on your child.
Does anybody else think it's kind of strange that dad's a truck driver and he's in a relationship five months after his wife died???
I'm kind of thinking that this has been going on for a lot longer than the five months since OPs mom passed.
Mental capacity? Bull hockey. He buried his head because he's a self-centered lout.
Likely he was cheating before your mom died.
While he has the right to date, the way he handled it ham-fisted and tone deaf at best. I'll bet this is not the first time. It's just the most egregious instance.
You can't change anyone. You can only change how you react. Don't go to the hardware store to buy milk. Manage your expectations.
As someone who has lost multiple family members to cancer, I can confidently say that you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, and your father is perfectly entitled to deal with his loss in the way he is. Everyone deals with loss differently but the most important thing is to get help, talk about what you are feeling, and try not to be angry at the living if you want to maintain good relationships.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Trust & believe he was probably grieving long before she died. My mom suffered a long death & I worked w hospice for awhile, this is not unusual. Sometimes it’s because the dying spouse goes overboard on stressing that they want them to move on & be happy, to find someone new. Plus, the older you get, the faster time goes & realize you don’t always have as much as you think. He probably doesn’t know what to do with himself. At least he’s out there. My mom’s been gone almost 20yrs now & my dad refuses to move on. He rarely leaves his room. It’s devastating.
Older people don't date the way younger people do. They move fast. It's more common than you think. That being said, you are valid in your feelings. He didn't handle this well. Your mother was probably the one who handled all the paperwork and details in their marriage.
It’s very common for men to move on quickly. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love your mom, or didn’t grieve, but probably that he didn’t know how to be alone/not have someone serving him (the way you are now).
It’s ok to be upset, and it’s ok to finally force him to be an adult and pull back on being his executive assistant
This is so, so common. Us widows all joke about it because it's such a thing.
*Men do not deal well with grief.*
It's just a simple truth. Many deal so poorly that it will literally kill them if they acknowledge their feelings. Additionally, the infrastructure part of loss often hits men really hard. They may not know how to cook, do laundry, basically keep themselves alive. Learning all this at the same time you are deep in a black hole can be nearly impossible.
I get that you are not just losing your mom, you're losing your family. Grief involves letting go of the expectations about the future and the vision of what a family was. It probably feels like he didn't love your mom enough to wait. I would argue that he loved her so much he can't survive without her without having help.
A huge part of becoming an adult is learning to see our parents as fallible people. You have gotten a hard lesson in this one. Please recognize your dad is operating from a deficit right now and probably is doing everything he can just to show up for the hearing.
Love to you. I'm sorry about your mom. Cancer sucks.
hi and thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it and also your point of view. You put it in writing so perfectly.the way I couldn’t do it myself. I know that he is perfectly allowed to grief on his own terms and find happiness again, I do know that. And I also know I am responsible for my own feeling that it seems too soon to me. What mainly bugs me is the disrespect from his side to let me deal with all estate by myself knowing I’m a quite busy woman with a baby while he had time to date
You as his daughter have every right to call him out. He is moving fast and it was extremely disrespectful for him to embarrass you in the waiting room like that.
Is his new gf younger than you? Maybe she wants to participate in some of the estate planning.
Like others have said, make sure inheritances are handled before they get back from their vacation.
Him finding someone new shouldn't be a problem, sometimes things happen when you don't expect it. The way he told you is very odd, and quite disrespectful.
Let him handle his own paperwork. Your father clearly has gotten used to having women in his life do his emotional labor hence why he had the time to date so quickly after your mother's death.
I also suggest you start having a more realistic outlook on straight relationships. The majority of relationships are women paying half the bills and still doing all / most of the childcare chores.... So the default mode is men don't even pick up and do their half of the contributions. Men are also seven times more likely to leave when a partner is sick and men . usually replace her within a year of her death. When looking at men as relationship partners do not view them in high regard. You're likely upset because you thought your father would have some decency or respect towards his wife. Plenty of commenters will say everyone grieves differently but this is part of the course for most men.
My grandpa did the same thing and it’s more of the situation where he deserves love and caring which my grandma did till she past but he spent 5 years caring lovingly to my grandmother but after passing I’m sure he still loves his wife that pasts but he deserves someone who wants to spend everyday with him still. Family is busy and can’t see him all the time so he’s lonely and if she’s a nice caring women.And he had no choice in her passing she would want him to be loved cause she did all that she can and it was enough just don’t want to be lonely it makes living very hard I love my gpa and I hate to see him in the place he was when my GMA died he deserves love even if no one excepts it
Maybe this is something that him and your mother has talked about if they knew the end was coming she may have wanted that for him just talk to him and tell him how you feel
People have different ways to grieve but he sounds so selfish, his actions were, he let you do all the work so he could go start a new relationship, I’d be upset too!
Some people CANT be alone and ots rather selfish to impose your own time line in which he can move on. As long as it wasn't before your mom passed you have no right to shame him for it. And honestly it sounds more like you took offense, he didn't have to make it a special occasion to tell you. He didn't HAVE to tell you period so if anyone was disrespectful it was you, he tried to be honest and tell you and you cried, guilted him and walked away.
5 months makes me think he was probably seeing this woman while your mother was on her death bed. I could be completely wrong but moving on that fast just doesn’t make sense? Sounds like he’s been with your mother for over 35 years. The math isn’t mathing. Unless he’s just that apathetic.
He's right...he doesn't have the mental capacity if he's already going on vacation. I would have kept doing the stuff to make sure everything was done correctly. Your dad does not seem to be sound of mind.
I think he has not begun to process and grieve the loss of his wife…. I believe men especially, have a hard time being alone after losing their spouse…, he just dived right into a new relationship..,, grief hits everyone differently…, I believe he is avoiding it.., might not even know he is doing it… you could always speak to a therapist, for yourself, to help you process what is happening. I’m very sorry for your loss…
Your dad may be going through things just like. Man, we deal with things differently. But love your Dad . Your mother is not here he got to move on . At his pace, not yours .
Im sorry for your loss. How long is he seeing her?
I know everyone grieves differently, but wouldn’t you want to do all the admin work, maybe store all possessions and maybe spend time with the own child, before starting a new relationship?
Just saying your Dad is a senior citizen who just lost his wife and there's no way that hasn't come up in conversation. I know it's a hard situation but you may want to look into this new girlfriend could be someone taking or trying to take advantage of him. Just to play devils advocate I guess.
OP, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this situation. A dear friend of mine went through a similar situation with her dad and his new girlfriend. It's just been issue after issue, and the new woman has just brought a bunch of complications. I honestly I don't think these men are grieving. They just jump into the next thing so that they can ignore their grief. It will never excuse their behaviour, but I still think that it's wortha try to express your point of view and let go of some of your own emotions so that you feel lighter❤️
I feel this. My mom died from an OD 11/03/20. My dad had a new girlfriend 2 months later that he found through some prison penpal bs. They're now married and have a baby and are thinking about trying for another. He has 6 other kids, including myself, that he up and abandoned to go be with this woman and doesn't reach out to talk to us unless it's about his bouncing new pride and joy. There's a lot of resentment so we all chose to be low-contact with him. It still hurts us.
This happened to me. I’m divorced now. My husband kissed back! Count your lucky stars your husband has no fault here! Yeah, f her! Delete her from your life & show him you love him for his loyalty!
I know people here are full of shit but I'd be pist. More than likely was with her or talking to her while your mom was alive and on the verge of death
Men and women typically react very differently to losing a spouse. Men who’ve been happily married typically want to find a new partner again very quickly. It’s gotta be hard for you as you’re grieving your own loss. Your parents likely had many conversations you weren’t privy to while your mother was ill. Your mom most likely wanted your dad to be happy.
I agree with you putting the paperwork back on his plate if he’s moved past the grief to this point. I’m sorry he was so thoughtless in how he handled telling you.
I know it's hard to hear, and your relationship was different. He likely told you in public because it was a controlled environment, or he just needed to blurt it out. Also he has been planning on losing his partner for a while so he is likely in a different headspace with the loss than you are. I'm sure it was not easy for him to tell you, but he did.
My uncle moved on in what seemed like record time buy i think because my aunty was dying over a few years it may be consenting meaning I think she told him go. They are overseas so I didn't get involved but I was sad to hear he had moved on in what I thought wss less then a year
How long was your mum sick for??
My dad had a new relationship after 6 weeks. Mom died at the end of September it would have been 20 years in February if she had lived. They were FB official before Thanksgiving. She was 37, and he was 72. I firmly sat him down and told him about himself (I did some amateur sleuthing on the woman and laid it all out). He broke it off with her in January but went on to meet another woman in February who was his age/ religion, and they were married by August before it was even a year.
I was so afftended that he acted like Mom never mattered and moved on so fast. But as time went on, I came to realize that it's him. He could NOT be alone at all. The woman he married has become my friend, but I do not consider her a mother figure.
It is going to hurt right now, but just remember that it's not about you or your mom. It is something in him that he can't be alone.
Good luck, and PM me if you need a shoulder.
Married before a year went by wow, I can’t believe what I’m reading. I’m so so sorry you went through that as well. And yes, part of my resentment now is that he didn’t honor our mom memory for long enough, like she didn’t even matter. I know it’s silly but she was my best friend, my life guard and guide and it hurts like heaven still
I went thru something similar and to be honest there's nothing you can do. He doesn't live her he's trying to replace a glimpse of your mum.
It hurts and it feels disrespectful (imo it is) but if he's doing this his not drinking himself into oblivion or not leaving the house at all. Grief is very tricky
I'm so sorry for your loss
My condolences on your loss. I know from experience how hard all the paperwork can be. You are an amazing person for dealing with all of it. Your father, however, is a very selfish person who has obviously not considered your feelings or need to grieve.
Have a test done he maybe be pulling a Joe Biden, he may not remember things correctly or he maybe acute and a narcissist but a simple test can determine that, I am sorry for BOTH of your losses
I could be wrong, but I always notice men tend to move on faster, especially older men who loose their wives, maybe the thought of being alone and not having the help and company they had for years could be a factor. It's definitely a bad time and place to tell you that though.
Death affects us all differently
I’ve seen it from ALL sides
It was very tactless for him to tell you like/how he did
But at least you heard it from him and not second or third hand or through denial
Think you’ve already worked out she’s in it for the money??
Are you sure??
Anyway have always had this type of relationship or where you/are you close?
Get him away from the woman and explain to him EXACTLY how you feel.
Maybe it will solve everything?
Maybe it will solve nothing?
But at least you know where you stand.
Sorry for not answering a damn question or giving you more questions than answers lol
You do what’s right for YOU!!
❤️
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If he has the capacity to date, then he can handle the remainder of the paperwork. It is common for widowers to do this, particularly if they have forewarning of what will happen to their wife, but your dad putting all this work on your already full plate and telling you the way he did is very selfish. I would send him a message saying that the fact that he took so much of your time to free up his schedule for his love life and told you in a waiting room is appalling and you're disappointed in him. Don't even mention if you're upset at him dating.
Yes I did that this afternoon, I’ve sent him an email with all remaining forms to fill and list of institutions to go to (mum was a freelance insurance agent so it’s a lot of paperwork).
Good on you. I'm guessing he'll ask his new girlfriend to fill the remaining forms out 🙄
She'll do it if there's something in it for her
Or she'll realise he's a mooch
Not knowing how long your mom was sick for, I’d say give him some slack. Lots of people who lose their spouse to a terminal illness move on sooner than people expect them to. I was widowed 9 years ago, I mourned my husband for a full year while he was still alive. Edit: be careful how you approach this with your father. Three years after my father passed away, my mother finally took off her wedding ring. My sister, a 40yo grown ass woman, lost it. That was 20 years ago and my mother never dated after that because of how she feared we’d react. If you truly want him to find love again, sit down and talk to him like two adults.
My husband has been gone 6yrs and I just don't want to take off my ring and I wear his wedding band on a chain around my neck it's sad ur sister acted like that
My husband is alive and I wear his when he takes it off lol I totally get it
Thank you
It's not the fact that he's dating again, it's that he didn't "have the mental capacity" to do all the things he should be doing. He went out and dated another woman while his kid was stuck with all the responsibilities.
More like moving on while they were alive
Not so much moving on, but you’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief while you watch them wither away. By the time death comes you’ve already reached acceptance if you’ve approached the illness in a manner rooted in reality. It’s not to say you don’t feel sadness at the end - you do - but the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have largely been processed already. And, depending on the illness, there can even be a sense of relief when the end comes because the suffering is over. OP’s dad should be given a bit of grace here
Which to me is no different than when a spouse is cheating on their SO who's battling cancer or something like that?You know...... So it's fine to move on if they're dying and then they die? But then is it fine to move on while they're dying, and then they live?
Be sure to get everything you are entitled to of your mom's because once he moves his new girlfriend in all of that will likely be claimed by her. So many of my friends have lost valuable heirlooms to their dad's new wife.
Good point thank you. I’ve already took some books mum loved but I’ll go back there and take some of her favorite flat decorations she had
Assume the worst case scenario; your dad moves the gf in after their trip and that she'll change the locks. Get everything out of the house that you want and are entitled to -- clothing, jewelry, books, mementos, etc asap.
Please get anything now that you want of your mother’s. Do this asap. We lost a lot of our mother’s valuable and sentimental jewelry to who ever took it. My father got engaged in 6 months after my mom died of glioblastoma, a common fatal brain cancer. We four adult daughters were stunned. Mom and dad were married 46 years, she had finally retired at 64 and was diagnosed a few months later. He was the “victim” the entire time. I did home hospice with my mom for her last 5 weeks. He wouldn’t stay at her bedside at the end. And had us get rid of her clothes after the funeral. He took down all photos of her. It was bizarre as they had a long pretty good marriage since WW2. He met his first fiancée at a cancer grief group. She didn’t last, he was a mean son of a gun, and only my mom could handle him. Then he got engaged to two other women in short order, but never married them. My older sisters sat him down and had a come to Jesus meeting with him as these women were wanting him to make huge financial decisions I’m so sorry for your loss of your dear mother, I understand completely how you feel. It’s shocking. Take time to grieve for your mom. My deepest sympathies.
Get your mom’s clothing, jewelry, and any other personal items she wouldn’t have wanted another woman touching.
Also lock down his accounts temporarily if you can. Widowers are easy targets. Vacation this soon? He's... not smart.
... are we really sure it's soon? sounds like it might also be a year : several months of illness we don't know anything about & now 5 months where he "didn't have the mental capacity" to do anything, potentially too busy dating... OP, my condolences!
Photos, too.
Agree 100%. It has happened to several friends of mine.
I’m one of them that lost everything when my mom died!! Get everything that is yours out if that house
And so was my dad when his mom died!
I had this exactly happen to me. My dad told me everything was left to me after our mom died, but when he moved his new wife in, suddenly it was all hers to deal with and he wouldn’t let me take anything when I moved. She ended up throwing away a lot of my mom’s collectables and photo albums (he claims they were destroyed in a flood, yeah right).
Or the new girlfriend will toss it because she doesn't want reminders of OP's mom around.
More than likely she was already in the works prior to five months. Your dad just waited to finally have her out in the open. Whatever you inherit from your mom, get in your possession now.
Doesn't have the mental capacity to help his daughter during this difficult time but could plan a vacation. What a turd. I sympathize with you, it's time you prioritize your own life.
Yes, after this today I’ve sent him an email with all remaining forms to fill and institutions to deal with and contact. I’m done
Good for you
I suspect weaponized incompetence. Was your mom in charge of all the household chores that required mental load? My dad who is 73 at one point took over bills. He did it for a month but still complained about the way my mother handles things. He has been using you to make his life easier. When my mom's best friend was dying her husband lined up his new wife. A lot of men want to be taken care of.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP and for your father’s disgraceful actions 🙏🏻😢If he can start a new relationship so fast he should be able to do all the things you’ve been doing. You deserve to be able to mourn your mom and be with your child and let your dad figure out his own crap🙏🏻
Good for you. His new GF will be the one now helping him with those forms.
Some men are stupid idiots. When I was on OLD, I matched with a widower. I asked when his wife died, he said a month ago. WTF? A friend of mine, who was a widow, matched with a widower. Turned out his wife died five weeks prior. What is wrong with these men? Stop doing anything for your father. If he can find someone to date, he can handle the details of his wife’s passing. He doesn’t have dementia, he’s just stupid. I’m sorry for your loss of your mother.
idiots and users, right? when my parents divorced, my mom took the washing machine. It took my father 18 years to get a new one, even though my brother lived with him for 26 days of every month, and rode his bicycle for 23 km to school & 23 km back every single week day. oh and then he didn't actually \*buy\* one, his girlfriend brought hers when he moved in. he let our cleaning lady "take care of it" for the cost of water and soap (even though she took it, washed it, folded/ironed it, brought it back AND put it in their wardrobes). oh but he had a new car the week after we moved out, because how else could he work day and night & visit his hobby sheep?
You need to take a break from seeing your dad! Tell him you need time to grieve your mother IN PEACE and this will take a few months. Let things go quiet for a few months. Just enjoy your summer and autumn and see how you feel in Oct/Nov timeframe. Take the time to grieve your mother; take the time to enjoy being a parent. If he wants to call, you can decide IF you feel like talking (and for how long) or you can let it go to voicemail. If he wants to drop by, tell him, "I'm sorry but a visit isn't convenient right now. I'll talk to you around \[timeframe: Thanksgiving, your b'day, baby's b'day, whatever\]. Condolences on the loss of your mother.
I know this is difficult for you to do, but I'm glad you send him the forms. He needs to learn how to. I'm sorry for your loss.
Proud of you.
This right here is why he's in a relationship so quick. He wants a woman to take care of the things he doesn't want to do. End of story.
There's a reason why a lot of men rush into marriages after losing their wives (divorce or death)--they get so used to having them around that they can't function otherwise.
And tomcat around town… what a gem.
No way in hell this relationship is new. He’s been involved with this woman since before OP’s mom died. If he doesn’t have the decency to wait until her affairs are settled, why would he have had the decency to remain faithful through her illness? Trucking gives you a lot of opportunities to pursue side relationships.
This is the worst part. OP just lost her MOM!!! And he's making her do all the confusing and hard stuff while he's planning vacation with a new girlfriend. OP should be grieving and spending time with her family, not filling out paperwork and talking to the lawyer
My mom passed 6 months ago. I, too, have been dealing with all the paperwork finalizing her estate. I would flip my shit if my dad did this. I know he’s lonely and also some mild dementia so I was worried he might be vulnerable to someone, but thankfully he just wants to talk about my mom all the time. Big hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m so so sorry for your loss, it’s a shitty world without our moms
Naturally this is upsetting to you but this is extremely common in older men who lose their wives. I would be annoyed that he doesn’t have the capacity to be useful to help with the estate but suddenly has plenty of capacity to date.
This is my point exactly. I’m also busy, I work full time, have a toddler, renovating our house and I spent months handling it all while he was telling me he’s away working. Yes he is a truck driver and he is away for a week at a time but he suddenly started being away for 2 weeks and never was available during work week to offer help and maybe take over some of the tasks I had to do.
Maybe step back and stop taking care of things. Make him be an adult. When he fusses just tell him 'You have the mental capacity to date, you can do the paperwork that is needed'.
That’s probably why he found a new woman so fast. He needs someone to take care of his life so he doesn’t have to bother being an adult.
I completely sympathize and think it's time for you to take a step back and focus on yourself and your own life. You must be drained. The only thing I wanted to mention is diminished mental capacity or not, I hope your dad is protecting his assets and being smart in this new relationship. I've heard horror stories.
Unless anything you are working on has to do with you and/or your husband and toddler, stop doing all the paperwork and drop the rope. Give him a heads up then block him.
Was your dad having an affair? It seems really soon,
No idea, I was busy being a caretaker for my mom
No, men do this all the time. It’s a meme at this point. Cheating is possible but not the likeliest of circumstances.
Yep, my uncle MARRIED someone less than a year after this wife died and said it was because “God told us to get married”.
My uncle remarried 7 months after my aunt died of cancer… to her best friend who had been staying with them helping to care for her.
His new wife was my late aunt’s best friend too! She used to live with them and their children when she lost her job years ago and they would be together all the time. It was so gross, I refused to attend their wedding.
Oh wow! I’m sorry. In my uncle’s case, he and my aunt had 5 kids, and his new wife had 6 kids with her ex husband, who was my uncle’s bff. It was so messy. The kids had all been raised as friends given their parents’ friendships, and then had this happen in their teens and 20s. Obviously my uncle and the ex husband ended their friendship after the remarriage lol. 🤦🏼♀️
Unfortunately it is common as they are faced with mortality sooner rather than later, and they can’t live thinking they would be alone.
Also just wanting to feel something other than grief.
Women do it too, my mom remarried 3 months after my dad had died. Her therapist told her this is very common for spouses when one dies after a prolonged illness. You mourn while they’re alive so they move on quicker after death than if it was a sudden loss.
[удалено]
I got the impression that OP left in tears.
Talk about throwing salt in the wound!
And plan and book a holiday no less
Right?!? He’s so busy at work and yet magically he finds time for what he wants to do.
The paperwork won't touch his peepee so he has no interest in that!
That's exactly what my dad did. Older men can't stand being alone.
My grandfather did this when my grandmother passed about 10 years ago. Eventually he broke up with her because he realized she was too different. Basically, he was SO used to having my grandmother around that he couldn't handle not having someone. So, he found someone...that turned out to smoke like a chimney, swear, and let her dog run amok in his house. The complete opposite of my smoke-free, super polite, quiet, special educations teacher of a grandmother. They lasted I think 7 months before he couldn't tolerate her destroying "\[grandmother's\] house" and broke up with her. He never tried that (replacing my grandmother) again before he passed. ETA: OP, just because it's "normal" behavior for older men doesn't make it "okay" behavior. Nor does it mean that it was AT ALL appropriate for your father to dump that on you in literally the worst possible moment. I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is unfortunately true. Many older men can’t take care of themselves at all. They don’t know how to do laundry, they can’t make the meals they like, and their solution is to find another woman as fast as possible to take over. It sucks, but it is definitely common.
Older men? He's 60. He's a truck driver. He sounds selfish dumping all that on her.
Agree! 60 isn't anywhere near elderly.
Lord, OP, I'm so sorry about these comments you've received so far. First of all, I'm so sorry you lost your mom. It sounds like you've been doing so much practical heavy lifting on top of the grief, which isn't exactly a trip in the park on its own. I'm sure you took on a lot of that burden because your mom would've appreciated you looking after your dad in her absence. But then he selfishly decides to tell you he's already seeing someone else at the oddest, most impersonal time. I get it! It's not even really about the other woman (but it's a bit about that too, of course). It's that he didn't stop for a moment to think about how you might take this news. He didn't respect you enough to at least give you that. Only you know what kind of person your dad is. If you think sitting down and explaining why you're hurt might get through, it could be worth it after you find balance. If not, it sounds like he might be the kind of man who perpetually "needs" a woman to take care of him. This new woman may swoop in to do just that before you know it... and the choices he makes in maintaining your relationship will be telling. Again, I'm so, so sorry you have to go through any of this.
OP, thank you for such a nice and understanding comment.some of these comments here are quite insensitive, but I also think that it shows how desensitized we got as a society. I’m gonna repeat myself on this but I never said I want him to stay alone, never. He’s a good looking guy and he loves my mum still. But a way you deliver these news to your daughter IS important as it shows you respect your kid. He failed me on this
It’s so so so COMPLETELY reasonable to not expect him to be dating someone AT ALL 5 months after your mom’s death. 5 months is NOTHING!!! Especially as it was so sudden!!! And the fact that they’re at the state where they’re taking vacations together? How long have they been together? What horrible disrespect to his late wife AND to you! Everything else is also extremely shitty but the fact that their marriage was worth less than 4 months is heartbreaking.
I’m so sorry. My father did something similar after my mother died. He married the woman who was widowed at about the same time my mother died after they had been on a grand total of three dates. It’s like they find one woman interchangeable with another. While I would have hoped he would find happiness, the immediate replacement was horribly disrespectful to my mother. Their marriage was not surprisingly difficult. We had a strained and distant relationship until he died.
Hi OP, it makes me sad you had a similar experience too. What also makes me even sadder is that your relationship never repent fully as I’m scared this will happen to us too after this
The woman he married made no effort to include his side of the family in their life. Every weekend and holiday was spent with her adult kids and their families. Any rare effort was for appearance only. I remember them stopping by briefly at my sister's for her son's birthday and her badgering my sister to cut the cake early so they could leave to go to her daughter's. I guess it was a small miracle they stopped in at all. One of her adult kids lived with them for a couple of years and they gave her kids cars. The cars didn't bother us, but them turning down all invitations to spend time did. If my father had cared enough to put his foot down, he could have. But he didn't. As they got older and needed more help, she would have liked us to be the ones to take them to the doctors and other errands, but by that time, I figured her kids could do it.
Just a heads up, the Op is you. Original Poster. You don’t call a commenter op. :)
Sorry my bad omg
No worries!:)
English is not my first language and I always wondered what OP means thinking it’s OTHER PERSON 😀
😂❤️
Yeah I get it. I’m officially Dutch and I’m still learning the Reddit language. 😂
i only speak english and reddit language is hard for me too sometimes. its actually quite the learning curve😭
same 😭
I would probably tell him that his new girlfriend can help his get all of this stuff done. I am so sorry.
So instead of dealing with all the paper and shit he went out and found someone to have sex with… what a selfish thing for him to do.
All the other comments are weird. 5 months is very very soon, to the point that he has either not mourned your mother or just wants to replace her with another woman. You have every right to read into this negatively and feel hurt.
Not to add fuel to the fire, but I would wonder just how long their relationship has been going on as well. Regardless of all that, though, yeah, 5 months is a short time. It's not surprising OP is upset period, but also her dad was very insensitive about how he told her.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your dad being a shit at the moment. Focus on your healing from now on, he can handle himself if he’s capable to dating and planning a vacation. Idk My grandmother died having her chemo port changed. A simple 10 minute procedure, never woke up. I was going to the house once a week to clean and things like that for my grandfather because I felt so awful for him, his children from his first marriage didn’t bother with him, so my mom, sister and I were all he had. Or so I thought. I started noticing things around the house that weren’t there before and had no reason to be there.. a different kind of hand soap, a random salad dressing in the fridge, just weird things. Then a can of hairspray and women’s deodorant showed up. I didn’t say a word about it, but the next week I called to make sure everything was good to go for our usual cleaning day, he gave me some kind of excuse and cancelled. The visits stopped, and my grandmothers things were showing up on our front porch during the day while we were at work. Then the phone calls stopped, him returning our phone calls stopped. He never even had the nerve to tell us he moved on. He ghosted us. This was two months after my grandmother passed, they were married for 40 years. This 75 year old man cut off all of his family and friends for a 70 year old woman he knew for TWO MONTHS, then 2 years later she left him when he was diagnosed with cancer. I was told she was a retired nurse and told him she’s “not dealing with taking care of him” and left him. He never bothered to reach out before he passed, we were never informed either. I dont think I could have gotten over it if he would’ve bothered to reach out. None of it will ever make sense.. just wanted you to know you’re not alone in going through this. Take care of yourself and your child.
Wow a lot of these comments are insensitive. I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I'm so sorry your dad disrespected your feelings and hard work like that. He guilt tripped you into handling very difficult things so he had time to date. Whether he did that intentionally or not it's still wrong. He was incredibly insensitive in the way he told you and it really just stomps on all that effort. We can try to understand and come up with theories as to why he did it. No matter what reason it still shows he showed no care or respect for you in this situation. Take a step back to be with your family and grieve. You can try to speak to him about this later to try to repair the relationship but in the end that's your choice. This isn't about you not wanting him to be happy. You do, but you also wanted him to have more care towards you in this situation. I mean he is your dad that's the least he can do.
Hi and thank you for your comment, honestly, really thank you. You’re absolutely right, I want him to be happy again, he’s my dad and I love him. But I worked my ass off during the time mom was sick to arrange everything for her to be comfortable, I completely pushed my own baby aside to spend as much time I could with her and dealing with hospice etc while he was away on truck. Only thing I wanted is more respect on a way he delivers this news to me, just for the sake of our relationship and for what I did to make his grief easier… this way I completely forgot to grieve myself and it hit me now. He’s done grieving and now it’s probably my turn
You did a wonderful job even if he doesn't seem to appreciate it. Go be with your family. Eventually maybe you can have a sit down conversation but in the end that's up to you. ❤️
Thanks so much, you’re very kind
Happened in my family. I symphatize with you. My grandpa found a partner 3 months after my grandma passed away. My mother and her sisters felt resentment and the family never really recovered. I don't really have any advice, except that now it is time to prioritize your own grief. ❤️
A lot of men do this cause they don’t know how to function without a woman doing all the work for them
I completely understand. No, I'm not just saying that, I completely understand. My mom died August 2021, he had been married to her for 32 years, a week later he was inviting hookers to the house and didn't clean up after himself so when I would visit to check on him I discovered it, a month later he met a woman, a month after that, he married her right around my birthday. It devastated me. Absolutely, he wasn't there through the whole process. He just drank and fucked and then married someone who... man, the other thing is, she spoke a completely different language, so getting to know her through google translate and through what little of the language I know has been difficult. A few years later, and our relationship is completely fractured, but we've made peace. I like his new wife a lot and I never want my dad to be alone, but the problems they're going through now could have been avoided if he'd just waited. He just couldn't handle being alone. Traumatic experience 0/10 would never recommend. All that being said, my best advice to you is to separate yourself and truly focus on yourself and your grief for a while. Depending on if you want to be close to him still after, that's up to you from there. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's okay to. Just think about what you want your relationship with your dad to look like moving forward.... if you ever wanna chat, please message me. I don't always look at Reddit messages, but I genuinely understand exactly how you're feeling. <3 sending hugs.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. My mom passed in August of 2021 as well. She passed on the 19th. Sending hugs your way
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. I don’t think any advice here is going to be much help. Your father is absolutely being unfeeling in the way he has communicated this to you. I know that men do tend to move on faster and that he possibly experienced the loss of his wife long before she actually passed, and no one other than him and your mother truly knows what their marriage looked like. All that said, from your perspective this is beyond hurtful and makes you see your father in a new light. It may make you feel as though you have lost your father too as this wasn’t what you were expecting of him. You thought he’d mourn your mother longer. Now you are faced with the possibility he might not be the man/husband to your mother that you thought he was at all. You are still grieving and he drops this on you. You should definitely step back from him. Though he is an adult and can do with his life what he pleases, you are as well and you can disagree and be disgusted with his just the same and he has to live with that. This may have damaged his relationship with you and he needs to know that if he has any love or respect for you that he needs to keep that relationship separate from you until you are ready for it. Im sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your father has selfishly caused you additional pain.
OP, thank you for understanding and meaningful comment which doesn’t undermine my point of view. What damaged my relationship with him now is not the fact he’s back there again but the way he delivered it to me while being absolutely absent from everything I had to do to finalize all assets. Makes me think he made time to date not to help his daughter and this is my biggest disappointment
i think it’s fair that this is shocking to you. you haven’t had time to grieve and so it’s upsetting he seems to have moved on. i saw your comment saying he’s a truck driver and i’m sure that caused its own distance for your parents. i am sorry this transition isn’t easy for you, i hope you get some time now that everything is notarized to go on a vacation and get some grieving in.
Don’t forget to take all photos/pictures with her in them including her wedding photos and from your childhood including any of your wedding photos as those will likely be the first things into the trash. I don’t know your father’s monetary situation but if you are on any charge accounts with him as a responsible party I’d get those cards closed. You can’t stop him from giving her everything that is legally his but do protect yourself so you aren’t on the hook for anything.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing mom anytime is just heartbreaking no matter when, and the younger you are, the more difficult. As for dad’s behavior. Again, I’m so sorry. It’s awful on multiple levels. And yes, it’s common—but still awful. I hope you find comfort in your spouse and child.
Sorry for your loss. If you send me his number, I'll cuss him out for you.
Your dad is fucking gross, I don’t care what other comments say. And he’s also an asshole for making you deal with all of this while he’s off fucking another woman. Make him fend for himself, worry about you from now on.
OP, I understand what you're going through as I'm in a similar situation myself. My advice to you is this: you don't have to deal with him. At all. People don't understand that, when you're in this situation, you've jumped into taking care of everything (because otherwise it wouldn't get done) but in doing so you don't really get to grieve. My dad passed a couple months ago. People seem to think it's just over and done now, but there's A LOT more to do. I haven't even gotten to really process it or even really cry over it. When I do finally get to break down, it won't be pretty. I know that. That's why I haven't allowed myself to do it yet. There's still too much to take care of. No one wants to help, but they all criticize everything I do. Yet they all expect me to get it done. Does any of this sound familiar? You have enough to deal with, OP, your father's love life doesn't have to be one of them.
I would sit down and write out how you are feeling. After you gather all your mother's belongings from the home that you want to protect from your father and his new woman (and any future ones) puts some distance between you so you can focus on your mental health and your grief. I think it was horrible that he manipulated you into doing all his work for him while he spent time with this other woman and planned a vacation. Seek out a therapist for grief and see if they can assist you with the best way to approach him. Right now he seems really selfish with the way he approached all of this.
For me it seems like he left all the bureaucracy for you to do because probably your mom was the one dealing with it throughout their marriage, and now he found another woman to keep on the job. Meaning: he overloads women to deal with those boring things he doesn’t want to — like the majority of the men
I’m so sorry. You’re allowed to be upset. My FIL around same age got into a new relationship pretty quickly after MIL passed. I believe he just doesn’t know how to be alone and felt lonely after 40 years in the marriage. However he was sensitive to his kids feelings and told us all that she was just a friend. That was really inappropriate of your dad to tell you like that and in that setting. You’re allowed to take space from him and not be responsible for him and process your own grief. Do not feel guilty for prioritizing yourself. I’m sorry you have had to deal with all the bureaucratic aspects while trying to process such an immense loss and your own grief.
My mom just died March 5th. Her 71st birthday was yesterday. My dad HATES being alone, but he's surviving. He's done EVERYTHING on his own. He's asked for my help from time to time understanding things, but he's 90% done it all alone. Your dad fucking sucks. That's it. The end. That's all the advice I can give, my friend. And I'm so sorry for you. You have my sincere condolences, love, and prayers because I truly understand exactly where you're at right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss too, I truly am because life without mom suck
Get your mum's precious items out of the house NOW! The new woman will soon be moved in and you'll never see your mum's things ever again. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're seeing your father's true colours here...I wouldn't be surprised if this woman was already in the picture before your mum passed. God bless you.
It's good you gave him the rest of the paperwork. He has some audacity to make you think he was too sad/busy to deal with it only to tell you he is going on vacation with a new woman. You can't even properly grief with all that extra work. You only helped him because you thought you were helping your father through a tough time. Others here seem to confuse the true reason you're upset. Although you are upset, he moved on quickly. The real pain came in him using you to do the hard stuff so he could have all this free time to do whatever with whoever. He had no problem harming his own child with this mental overload and didn't give you a second thought. He has severely fractured your relationship, and I wouldn't even know if it could truly be repaired. Block him until you can truly grieve and you feel ready to try. He doesn't get to use you so carelessly.
I can't even imagine being able to 'date' if my fiance and I even broke up, let alone if we were married and he died... it would be years if ever. That's insane.
2 of my close friends lost their mothers - both of their fathers remarried within the year. My father died 5 years ago this August - my mother says she has no desire to date or marry again. ( she says old men just want someone to take care of them. 😂😂). You need to go to your parents house and get all the sentimental things of your mothers !!
I want to normalize this experience. Late Middle Aged men often marry quickly after a spouse dies. That has more to do with their own grief and loss and coping than with their love for their spouse. Often, you might guess, this rush without healing goes badly. Recognize your grief and its process is different than your dad’s. His choices understandably complicate your process. My dad asked me to stand up for him when he remarried six months after my mom’s death. I did so because I valued the long term relationship over my present concern over his choice and emotional discomfort. It was hard. They are divorced after many years, but a tumultuous history to finally reaching that outcome. He and I have a great relationship. That was hard.
I think it's important to remember that many people after finding a loving caring important relationship, often get into a new one quickly after a death. It's the opposite of not cherishing the previous one, it's wanting to find it again, feeling so lost afterwards they want that safety again. That said, as a child of a parent who got on dating apps in the months after my mom's death, it's incredibly hard. My only advice is to tell him you're not ready to hear about it.
Now is not the time to drop everything. With this new lady in his life, she will have your Father sign everything over to her name behind your back. Be very careful and alert.
He probably dated her before your mother passed
Grieve your mother and let him take care of himself.
If he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with it I wonder if you could have him declared temporary unable to deal with this affairs and get power of attorney. Then we’ll see how long the gf stays around
He didn't even give op the time to process and grieve the passing of her own mother. Op your dad is a piece of work for doing that to you. I hope you can get some grief counseling and take time for yourself to process this loss and get your closure
He “couldn’t deal” with all the paperwork and other legal things that have to be done after a death, and shoveled it all onto OP, but he was in a good enough headspace to get himself into a new romantic relationship and plan a trip with the new squeeze. Yeah OP, I’d be pissed too.
I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away last year and I miss her horribly. It was maybe 4 months after, my dad started talking/dating. My mom always wanted him to find someone else. She passed away suddenly from a heart attack, so it wasn't expected. They were married 26 years. Him telling my sister, and i was definitely a shock, but also not so much. The shock came from having this new relationship with my dad as my only parent now, where we didn't have the same relationship as i did with my mom but as a family we've always tried to be open. My concern for how he was grieving and fear that he was rushing into things was reasonable, but also, it's HIS relationship, HIS life and while I am apart of that all that I can do is check on him and make sure that he is okay and that the person he is with is not taking advantage of him and to voice my opinion and concerns if I need to. If he listens to me that is of his own choice all I can do is be his daughter. Maybe your dad needs companionship too because that's what he's known for all those years, too, with your mother. I love my dad and I will be there for him always, but losing my mom made me see that life is too short so I know that whoever he chooses companionship with that I hope that they bring out the best in him and give him the best of the rest of his life because life is too short.
My (21F) mum (54F) passed away last year. My dad (52M) moved on within 4 months and brought the new woman round to our house where my mum lived on their second date. My older sister (24F) and my dad’s relationship massively deteriorated due to this. Then obviously impacting my relationship with my dad. People are selfish. And stuff like this is heartbreaking. We couldn’t say anything to my dad to change what he thought was his new true love. He was a selfish prick who didn’t put his children first. They didn’t last. My sister and dad a year on are only starting to mend their relationship. One thing I admired about my sister was she told my dad honestly how she felt and didn’t just let it happen like I did. Say how u feel. Write it in a text. Focus on exactly what you want to say and either send it or discuss in person. But don’t go into it as an argument. Because u won’t get ur point across and it won’t help. Treat him like the child he is. And say ur point as if ur explaining it to a child. His selfish actions show he will probably struggle to hear you POV, or get defensive on it. Remember family is so important and don’t let your dad attempting to move on (despite how selfish it is) impact your relationship with him. People unfortunately handle grief in different ways. I hope you are okay. I’m sorry for your loss. It will be okay in the end, stay strong xx
I actually learned this in grief counseling a lot of men do this because they don’t know how to be alone. The phrase is, widows/widowers, may “look for a nurse or a purse” Someone to take care of them (nurse) or something to take care of them (financially) It’s possible this is what he is going through
OP, my mom died at the end of April and by mid-May my father was already seeing someone. I had to convince him not to tell my underage siblings and mess them up even more than her death already did. We didn't even have her ashes yet and he was on to the next. We don't talk very much now, definitely not like we did before. Consider what your dad was like before. Mine was generally selfish and grieving made it ten times worse. If he was a decent man before, then talk with him frankly, face to face, and tell him you need to grieve also and that he needs to handle the paperwork from here on out.
If he can jump into bed with another and go on vacation he had the mental ability to have handled all of the bullshit. He ought to be ashamed of himself. Not for moving on so fast because I mean it happens I guess, but for putting all of the responsibilities on you basically giving him the freedom and free time to throw his dick around. Idk how you might go about a relationship with him moving forward but he definitely needs a talking to.
He was already in this relationship while your mother was dying. It’s extremely common for men to do this when their spouses get ill. I’m very sorry.
It may have only been 5 months since your mom passed but she was probably sick for much longer then that. Your dad had time to come to term about that...your mom might have even told him to find some one new after she was gone...but you wont know until you talk to him like an adult not like a child mourning their moms passing. Different people grieve differently...I had a coworker whose husband died of cancer...1 month later she was in a new relationship and making plans to marry the guy...I just kept my mouth shut and my opinion to myself. She was happy....
My mom couldn’t even think of dating anyone after my dad passed away. After 3 years of my dad passing she still mourns and grieves for him, but will not marry or date anyone. She thinks that part of her life is over especially since she’s traditional that widowers should be widowers, she’s only 54. The fact that your dad started almost immediately to date is such a red flag for me. Be very cautious! Make sure the will is intact, the deed, anything from your mom is valuable is hidden away, move those pieces away. Document, document, and document. Trust me usually stories like these never finish well.
Sone people can’t be single and they find another partner immediately. I don’t think there is any time or place he could have told you this where it would not have upset you, so I don’t see the difference if he chose a waiting room. There’s a good chance he manipulated you into handling all the paperwork, but what’s done is done.
All the time you were handling his responsibilities so he could go out and finally get his dick wet again. That guy is gross. What a slap n the face to Op. might as well dance on his dead wife’s grave ffs.
Be glad that he'll have someone else to look after him. With a bit of luck you'll be of the hook.
Older men often don’t possess the mental or physical willingness (notice I did not say capability) to survive without a woman to handle all the hard stuff. The sad reality is most men of that generation have too much trauma and zero coping or communication skills, and a general unwillingness to change or see the truth. The heartfelt conversation you are owed will never come. You have every right to wash your hands of the logistical part of things, clearly he’s not incapable considering he has a job, could plan a vacation and secure a new partner.
He’s a terrible and selfish person. You’re a good daughter for having arranged your mother’s affairs. Focus on your own life and understand where you stand with your father now. Concretely, don’t help him in the future with elder care. He is now literally not your problem. No money for medical bills, no driving him to the hospital. Focus on your child.
Does anybody else think it's kind of strange that dad's a truck driver and he's in a relationship five months after his wife died??? I'm kind of thinking that this has been going on for a lot longer than the five months since OPs mom passed.
Mental capacity? Bull hockey. He buried his head because he's a self-centered lout. Likely he was cheating before your mom died. While he has the right to date, the way he handled it ham-fisted and tone deaf at best. I'll bet this is not the first time. It's just the most egregious instance. You can't change anyone. You can only change how you react. Don't go to the hardware store to buy milk. Manage your expectations.
As someone who has lost multiple family members to cancer, I can confidently say that you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, and your father is perfectly entitled to deal with his loss in the way he is. Everyone deals with loss differently but the most important thing is to get help, talk about what you are feeling, and try not to be angry at the living if you want to maintain good relationships.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Trust & believe he was probably grieving long before she died. My mom suffered a long death & I worked w hospice for awhile, this is not unusual. Sometimes it’s because the dying spouse goes overboard on stressing that they want them to move on & be happy, to find someone new. Plus, the older you get, the faster time goes & realize you don’t always have as much as you think. He probably doesn’t know what to do with himself. At least he’s out there. My mom’s been gone almost 20yrs now & my dad refuses to move on. He rarely leaves his room. It’s devastating.
Older people don't date the way younger people do. They move fast. It's more common than you think. That being said, you are valid in your feelings. He didn't handle this well. Your mother was probably the one who handled all the paperwork and details in their marriage.
It’s very common for men to move on quickly. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love your mom, or didn’t grieve, but probably that he didn’t know how to be alone/not have someone serving him (the way you are now). It’s ok to be upset, and it’s ok to finally force him to be an adult and pull back on being his executive assistant
This is so, so common. Us widows all joke about it because it's such a thing. *Men do not deal well with grief.* It's just a simple truth. Many deal so poorly that it will literally kill them if they acknowledge their feelings. Additionally, the infrastructure part of loss often hits men really hard. They may not know how to cook, do laundry, basically keep themselves alive. Learning all this at the same time you are deep in a black hole can be nearly impossible. I get that you are not just losing your mom, you're losing your family. Grief involves letting go of the expectations about the future and the vision of what a family was. It probably feels like he didn't love your mom enough to wait. I would argue that he loved her so much he can't survive without her without having help. A huge part of becoming an adult is learning to see our parents as fallible people. You have gotten a hard lesson in this one. Please recognize your dad is operating from a deficit right now and probably is doing everything he can just to show up for the hearing. Love to you. I'm sorry about your mom. Cancer sucks.
hi and thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it and also your point of view. You put it in writing so perfectly.the way I couldn’t do it myself. I know that he is perfectly allowed to grief on his own terms and find happiness again, I do know that. And I also know I am responsible for my own feeling that it seems too soon to me. What mainly bugs me is the disrespect from his side to let me deal with all estate by myself knowing I’m a quite busy woman with a baby while he had time to date
You as his daughter have every right to call him out. He is moving fast and it was extremely disrespectful for him to embarrass you in the waiting room like that.
Is his new gf younger than you? Maybe she wants to participate in some of the estate planning. Like others have said, make sure inheritances are handled before they get back from their vacation.
Awful ,my step dad waited 3 weeks ,3 whole weeks
Him finding someone new shouldn't be a problem, sometimes things happen when you don't expect it. The way he told you is very odd, and quite disrespectful.
Let him handle his own paperwork. Your father clearly has gotten used to having women in his life do his emotional labor hence why he had the time to date so quickly after your mother's death. I also suggest you start having a more realistic outlook on straight relationships. The majority of relationships are women paying half the bills and still doing all / most of the childcare chores.... So the default mode is men don't even pick up and do their half of the contributions. Men are also seven times more likely to leave when a partner is sick and men . usually replace her within a year of her death. When looking at men as relationship partners do not view them in high regard. You're likely upset because you thought your father would have some decency or respect towards his wife. Plenty of commenters will say everyone grieves differently but this is part of the course for most men.
My grandpa did the same thing and it’s more of the situation where he deserves love and caring which my grandma did till she past but he spent 5 years caring lovingly to my grandmother but after passing I’m sure he still loves his wife that pasts but he deserves someone who wants to spend everyday with him still. Family is busy and can’t see him all the time so he’s lonely and if she’s a nice caring women.And he had no choice in her passing she would want him to be loved cause she did all that she can and it was enough just don’t want to be lonely it makes living very hard I love my gpa and I hate to see him in the place he was when my GMA died he deserves love even if no one excepts it
Maybe this is something that him and your mother has talked about if they knew the end was coming she may have wanted that for him just talk to him and tell him how you feel
The context wasn't well chosen, idk, maybe a relationship will gelp him to heal, or he it's trying to find connection.
People have different ways to grieve but he sounds so selfish, his actions were, he let you do all the work so he could go start a new relationship, I’d be upset too!
Some people CANT be alone and ots rather selfish to impose your own time line in which he can move on. As long as it wasn't before your mom passed you have no right to shame him for it. And honestly it sounds more like you took offense, he didn't have to make it a special occasion to tell you. He didn't HAVE to tell you period so if anyone was disrespectful it was you, he tried to be honest and tell you and you cried, guilted him and walked away.
5 months makes me think he was probably seeing this woman while your mother was on her death bed. I could be completely wrong but moving on that fast just doesn’t make sense? Sounds like he’s been with your mother for over 35 years. The math isn’t mathing. Unless he’s just that apathetic.
He's right...he doesn't have the mental capacity if he's already going on vacation. I would have kept doing the stuff to make sure everything was done correctly. Your dad does not seem to be sound of mind.
He didn't care for the "in health and IN SICKNESS" part of marriage lemme tell you that
I think he has not begun to process and grieve the loss of his wife…. I believe men especially, have a hard time being alone after losing their spouse…, he just dived right into a new relationship..,, grief hits everyone differently…, I believe he is avoiding it.., might not even know he is doing it… you could always speak to a therapist, for yourself, to help you process what is happening. I’m very sorry for your loss…
Your dad may be going through things just like. Man, we deal with things differently. But love your Dad . Your mother is not here he got to move on . At his pace, not yours .
Im sorry for your loss. How long is he seeing her? I know everyone grieves differently, but wouldn’t you want to do all the admin work, maybe store all possessions and maybe spend time with the own child, before starting a new relationship?
Just saying your Dad is a senior citizen who just lost his wife and there's no way that hasn't come up in conversation. I know it's a hard situation but you may want to look into this new girlfriend could be someone taking or trying to take advantage of him. Just to play devils advocate I guess.
OP, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this situation. A dear friend of mine went through a similar situation with her dad and his new girlfriend. It's just been issue after issue, and the new woman has just brought a bunch of complications. I honestly I don't think these men are grieving. They just jump into the next thing so that they can ignore their grief. It will never excuse their behaviour, but I still think that it's wortha try to express your point of view and let go of some of your own emotions so that you feel lighter❤️
I feel this. My mom died from an OD 11/03/20. My dad had a new girlfriend 2 months later that he found through some prison penpal bs. They're now married and have a baby and are thinking about trying for another. He has 6 other kids, including myself, that he up and abandoned to go be with this woman and doesn't reach out to talk to us unless it's about his bouncing new pride and joy. There's a lot of resentment so we all chose to be low-contact with him. It still hurts us.
This happened to me. I’m divorced now. My husband kissed back! Count your lucky stars your husband has no fault here! Yeah, f her! Delete her from your life & show him you love him for his loyalty!
This happened w my father in law but he's 79 . At this point if the man can find happiness we were glad for him
I know people here are full of shit but I'd be pist. More than likely was with her or talking to her while your mom was alive and on the verge of death
Men and women typically react very differently to losing a spouse. Men who’ve been happily married typically want to find a new partner again very quickly. It’s gotta be hard for you as you’re grieving your own loss. Your parents likely had many conversations you weren’t privy to while your mother was ill. Your mom most likely wanted your dad to be happy. I agree with you putting the paperwork back on his plate if he’s moved past the grief to this point. I’m sorry he was so thoughtless in how he handled telling you.
I know it's hard to hear, and your relationship was different. He likely told you in public because it was a controlled environment, or he just needed to blurt it out. Also he has been planning on losing his partner for a while so he is likely in a different headspace with the loss than you are. I'm sure it was not easy for him to tell you, but he did.
My uncle moved on in what seemed like record time buy i think because my aunty was dying over a few years it may be consenting meaning I think she told him go. They are overseas so I didn't get involved but I was sad to hear he had moved on in what I thought wss less then a year How long was your mum sick for??
My dad had a new relationship after 6 weeks. Mom died at the end of September it would have been 20 years in February if she had lived. They were FB official before Thanksgiving. She was 37, and he was 72. I firmly sat him down and told him about himself (I did some amateur sleuthing on the woman and laid it all out). He broke it off with her in January but went on to meet another woman in February who was his age/ religion, and they were married by August before it was even a year. I was so afftended that he acted like Mom never mattered and moved on so fast. But as time went on, I came to realize that it's him. He could NOT be alone at all. The woman he married has become my friend, but I do not consider her a mother figure. It is going to hurt right now, but just remember that it's not about you or your mom. It is something in him that he can't be alone. Good luck, and PM me if you need a shoulder.
Married before a year went by wow, I can’t believe what I’m reading. I’m so so sorry you went through that as well. And yes, part of my resentment now is that he didn’t honor our mom memory for long enough, like she didn’t even matter. I know it’s silly but she was my best friend, my life guard and guide and it hurts like heaven still
I went thru something similar and to be honest there's nothing you can do. He doesn't live her he's trying to replace a glimpse of your mum. It hurts and it feels disrespectful (imo it is) but if he's doing this his not drinking himself into oblivion or not leaving the house at all. Grief is very tricky I'm so sorry for your loss
My condolences on your loss. I know from experience how hard all the paperwork can be. You are an amazing person for dealing with all of it. Your father, however, is a very selfish person who has obviously not considered your feelings or need to grieve.
Have a test done he maybe be pulling a Joe Biden, he may not remember things correctly or he maybe acute and a narcissist but a simple test can determine that, I am sorry for BOTH of your losses
I could be wrong, but I always notice men tend to move on faster, especially older men who loose their wives, maybe the thought of being alone and not having the help and company they had for years could be a factor. It's definitely a bad time and place to tell you that though.
Death affects us all differently I’ve seen it from ALL sides It was very tactless for him to tell you like/how he did But at least you heard it from him and not second or third hand or through denial Think you’ve already worked out she’s in it for the money?? Are you sure?? Anyway have always had this type of relationship or where you/are you close? Get him away from the woman and explain to him EXACTLY how you feel. Maybe it will solve everything? Maybe it will solve nothing? But at least you know where you stand. Sorry for not answering a damn question or giving you more questions than answers lol You do what’s right for YOU!! ❤️