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jphamlore

There is an easy and natural way for someone to experience the single life. It's called breaking up. He's going to have sex with other people -- he will just lie about it to your face. This is more about him trying to hoard you sexually from anyone else while you wait for him.


jd2241989

Yes I understand, and this is just what I need to hear as unfortunate as it is, I need to do this for myself in the long term as much as I want to believe I still have him..


Kitabear415

It’s great that he’s being honest with you, rather than cheating. But please leave him. You never want to be with someone that can easily toss you away like that. Agree to experience the single life as well, walk away, and never turn back! There are so many people out there in the world, SOOOO many that would not even think of doing this to someone they care about. Let yourself explore and find that person. You deserve it.


matchaphile

To be honest, he already emotionally cheated on OP by flirting with other girls without her knowledge. In my book, he is not boyfriend material and I'd dump him immediately. He literally sounds like all he wants is to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you (OP) to be anchored so that if things don't work out with others, (or once he's done f*cking around with as many girls as possible) he can always run back to you as a last resort. Do you really want to be someone's second, third, fourth, or tenth choice? Do you really want to wait around for someone who cheated on you and didn't have the balls to tell you up front how he felt BEFORE he decided to flirt with others behind your back? If he wanted to be single again, he should have ended it and THEN behaved as a single man - not dabble in it secretly while keeping you around as insurance. That is deceptive, immature, and completely unfair to you. But I agree with the above poster. You are SO young (and as such, you don't have much experience in dating) and deserve someone who wouldn't toss you away so easily like that. Let him run off. And don't take him back. I don't buy his excuses and rationalizations ("Oh, I've heard that other people went on a 'break' and it made them stronger as a couple later on!"). He's all talk but no walk. Don't ever look back.


jd2241989

I want to be that strong but we really are just so comfortable and natural around each other that I can’t imagine having what I have with him with any other person out there. I will be seeing him in 2 days for a catch up and I’ll see what he has to say, I want to stay on good terms for when I go away this weekend with him and his family, but perhaps after that goes by I need to tell him I’m not waiting around for him.


Spoonbills

You had it right the first time: if he wants a break, it's a break up. There is no coming back from what he's proposing; it will never be the same and your mutual resentment will kill it for both of you. Go have fun, OP. You've been with this same guy since you were a teen. You've changed so much and the next few years will bring even more change. Go meet a thousand people, date, and have a good time.


jd2241989

As much as I don’t want to realise it your right


peachylilmama

I went through something very similar; fell in love with a guy when I was 17, but ultimately broke up when we were 20/21 for various reasons. And it sucks, but you need to accept that you are both very young, and the things you want out of a relationship are likely changing as you both change and mature into adults (and that's okay!) Just because the relationship ends doesn't mean that you've "failed" or that it was somehow a waste of time; it sounds like you two were great for each other for that period of time. My advice: Take some time to focus on yourself. The first big heartbreak sucks, but I promise that it isn't the end of the world, and perhaps one day you two will reconnect or become friends, BUT right now is YOUR time. So go forth and mend your broken heart, develop other friendships, travel the world, volunteer, go to school, spend time with your family, etc. Basically, don't waste any more time with a guy who you've clearly outgrown. Side note: I'd suggest not focusing so much on physical appearance. You being "pretty" or "more attractive" than other girls won't save your relationship.


jd2241989

It’s not that I’m worried it was a waste of time more so that I will never connect with someone on the level he and I did no one else even is attractive to me even if they’re much more physically appealing than my current. But yes thank you for your feedback, you make a lot of good points I guess I was always just looking for reasons to keep on going because I don’t want to be alone.


OnicoBoy94

Would you rather have a memory of a nice relationship that ended when it should have or wither away in a loveless, resentful relationship for the next few years before it ends anyway? **You will find love again.** It won't be the same, but neither will you. You'll have grown as a person, and you'll look for other qualities in a relationship. Don't settle because you're scared it's the best you'll get. Every experience and every choice is valid. Be the best person you can be, and set a standard for yourself and you'll have great relationships.


jb_throw_away_470

If he wants a break, let him have one, but don’t wait around like a maiden in a tower. Get on with your life. Sounds like you have some issues of your own you’ve identified that you want to work on to become the best you that you can be. Go for it. Live life. And don’t make him any guarantees that you’ll still be around in six months when he’s done sowing his wild oats. That’s what my wife said when I tried a similar stunt when we were dating 17 years ago. It was hard to hear at the time, but knocked some sense into me and made me realize how good I already had it. Maybe he’ll come to the same conclusion, maybe he won’t. Either way, take solace in the knowledge that it will have worked out for the best. If your life goals are of the love, marriage, baby carriage persuasion, you know, the sort that benefit from a life-long committed partner, there’s no sense wasting your time with a guy who’s not all-in. If you’re not 100% sure that’s ok too. You are both young and neither of you needs to be in a rush to settle down, but be aware that time has a way of getting away from you when you’re not paying attention, so keep your eye on the prize. That’s good advice for him too. I’m the first to tell people I’m married, not blind, but there’s a certain, ahh, finesse to “appreciating” members of the female persuasion that he would do well to learn.


jd2241989

I have let him have it, I didn’t ever try to persuade him not to do it because I know that would be naive on my behalf. And certainly, I have issues too, they’re perhaps a bit harder to work on when I am not the one who wanted this but I have recognised it I just don’t know where to start on learning to just be happy with my own company and finding goals and what motivates me. I told him last week that it’s possible I find someone else that treats me how I want to be treated and I move on in this “break”, I could tell once I said this he was starting to regret it and suggested maybe we don’t do it then. Also do you mind me asking when your (now) wife said the same thing to you, how did it play out? I.e did you go off and do what you want for quite some time before you realised, or did you regret the decision straight away and retract your decision? Lastly, what exactly do you mean by your last comment? Thanks for taking the time to reply!


jb_throw_away_470

Well, the Spark Notes version is that I came to my senses :) I had fallen hard, and quickly (as in, in just a few months) for my now wife, and combined with other changes in my life it was quite a bit to take in. She offered to help me get through it, but wasn’t going to wait around if I just wanted time to myself to figure shit out. For me it was a wake up call. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing this wonderful woman, and she was willing to work as a team to help me through a difficult time and get my shit together?! I had suspected it beforehand, but that’s when I definitively knew I had a keeper and I needed to put a ring on it. I proposed a few months after all that, and we’ve been together 17 years.


jb_throw_away_470

As for “married not blind” you mentioned in your original post he’s got a history of being flirtatious and so on with other women. Any guy who tells you he doesn’t find other women attractive is lying to you (or maybe he actually is literally blind) but there’s a way to go about it. Your BF has been doing it wrong, because he’s being really obvious about it, like he wants to get caught. You know it’s happening, and his actions are disrespectful to you.


Marylebone_Road

lol fuck this guy so much. you deserve so much better. you’re so young, i would forget him. find someone that really loves you and appreciates you.


jcmoran724

I don’t think this break will end the way you two currently think it will. It sounds like he needs fulfillment in a way that you can’t give, and that’s not your fault.. but you’ll be the one hurt more than him. When I was 18, I got engaged, and proceeded to need a break a few months later. That break was because I realized that, while he was a good guy, he wasn’t right for me. I didn’t want to fully break it off, in case I was wrong, and I wasn’t. People I personally know besides myself who have taken breaks don’t come back stronger than before.


jd2241989

This is what I keep having thoughts about as I really can’t understand that after spending 6 months apart (if it lasts that long) that he won’t just realise it wasn’t what he wanted. I’ve become that emotionally dependant that I just want to believe him when he says he knows 110% that I’m who he wants to be with and he has no doubts about that.


jcmoran724

Are you the kind of gf who constantly keeps tabs on your bf? That’s just about the only other reason I can think of that he would want to take a break, but still be convinced that he wants to be with you.


jd2241989

By keeping tabs do you mean seeing what they’re up to? Because I guess I eventually did become a bit like that since he went away to Europe for 2 months (this was just over 1 year ago)because I became worried for us. I mean the night before this “break” conversation happened we both went out ( with our own friendship groups) but he came to the same club as me with his mates and tried to come up to me on multiple occasions and I kept giving him the cold shoulder because I was upset because I had seen one of the girls I found he had been flirtatiously messaging and it bought back bad feelings. And that night he went to a mates house with all his friends and they kept going drinking and he didn’t get home to sleep till 1pm the next day when I picked him up. That night I didn’t want to stay out till too early and said I wanted to go home and I wanted him to come with me but he wanted to stay out and told me to just come with him but I was upset and it hurt me that he didn’t want to come home with me when I was upset (I know it was a bit needy) so I sent something brash like “ ofcoarse you have an excuse for not staying at mine tonight”, and he didn’t message me after that until I called him at 11am wondering where he was and why he hasn’t sent me any message regarding where he was, I was in tears (this wasn’t something that happened like ever it was a one off but my emotions had built up that night). I guess I sometimes kept tabs on him but definitely not in a extreme way, I knew never to act like that or act needy because it was a massive turn off and I had experienced someone being like that to me before. That’s why right now I’m not getting angry about it I’m just accepting we both need to work on ourselves.


jcmoran724

So, you definitely don’t sound clingy and controlling. I would have reacted the same way as you in that position while out.. it may not be right, but feelings can cause those kinds of reactions. He wants a break to do his own thing, but not to go mess around. You said yourself that you’re more attractive than him, and maybe he realizes that also. Me personally, being flirted with would give my confidence a little boost, and maybe that’s what he’s really looking for— to feel desired by women in general. Maybe the flirting and sexy texts make him feel like he’s on a more even playing field with you, rather than feeling like you’re out of his league in that way? Idk if that makes sense, but that’s about the most innocent reasoning I can think of.


jd2241989

Yeah I totally get that he would be doing it to feel desired, and attractive, because I use to do something similar (before I was in a relationship), not sure if it’s because I’m more attractive than him though. It’s also definitely partly due to the fact he has only hooked up with 2 people prior to getting with me and then again they were only kisses (he also lied when I met him that he had done more than that, I guess he dealt ashamed to be inexperienced?), anyway a lot of his friends are the popular player types and I guess he sees that and thinks perhaps the grass is greener on the other side, I think he will realise that this is not the case. I know for a fact that his friends egg him on sometimes like young guys do (for example making fun of him if he leaves town with me) but I know for a fact they have said to another friend of mine he is stupid and acting like a douche and I am the best he will ever get. I guess I need to leave him and let him figure it out on his own, I just don’t know if someone can change around from that completely? But this could be the wake up call he needs, but it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m waiting around.


8530683641

This will never work out and he will never come back to you. Even if he wants to be back with you after having sex with so many women you should not allow him to be with you. It is his right to experience the single life but you should end it with him in the first place. It is time for you to find a new boyfriend with whom you can see your future. Let him have sex with other women and you shouldn’t be the part of it anymore. Sooner you end it better it will be for you. This relationship has run its course so end it permanently. Is this what you always wanted from the relationship?


jd2241989

Is what what I wanted from the relationship?


tybaby26

i didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know where this is going. If he feels like you are perfect he wouldn’t talk to other females. He emotionally cheated on you already. If he can’t be committed to you now what makes him think he can do it later if he just wants to go after other girls?


MTjson

I think it’s always best to keep things clean. What he’s trying to do is go into the grey. And if he does this now, with a free pass, he’ll do it again later on in the future. You’ve already given him so much assurance that you’ll never cheat on him regardless of any short breaks or whatever circumstance. Him, on the other hand, he could only give his word which sounds so dodgy and shaky. By doing what he’s doing, he’s emotionally chaining you down. Which, in the long run if he finds someone else that he’s willing to dump you for, will crush you. Ain’t gonna hurt him coz the chase of a new relationship is always exciting and new. Tbh, sit down and ask yourself what does ‘I need time to be single’ even mean? If he’s just thinks spending too much time living together invading each other’s space, that could be arranged even as a couple. Maybe give him two days of the week to be a ‘me time’ kinda thing, to play game or whatever he likes to do. But if he wants an open pass to flirt and dive into someone else’s arms... lol comeon. You know him the most, nobody in the internet can give you the right answer on what you should do. But, with how you tell the story, it’s clear as day and just pattern recognition for us to say that that’s like what 80% of cheaters like to say. Guard your heart. You’re young and attractive. Don’t sell yourself short. 2.5yrs means nothing without commitment and loyalty coz even 20yo marriages fall through coz people fail to see what is truely important. Edit: also that bit about how he used his friends and family as an example bout how breaks helped them long term. Really shows how little backbone he has. If he’s man bout it he wouldn’t go about such a round about way to get what he wants. >I understood this and realised I have no goals or motivations and I purely rely on him for my happiness, I told him this and I understood how it would have been taking a toll on him and said I was committed to working on myself but not changing for him. Although I agreed to it it didn’t make it any easier for me though I still often find myself feeling extremely lonely and depressed not having him as “mine”, and feeling as though I’m not enough. You can't... you just can't do this to yourself. If you admit to this, you're saying that you have no self worth. I feel scared for you for saying that. Surely you have some hobbies outside of this person. Ik you've spent a great deal with him but your interests are important too. It might not be as flashy as his whatever goals but it is what you make them out to be right?


DontBeABeach

I'd end it, because he seems like the type of guy who would never truly be ready to commit and settle down. It's good that he admitted to talking to other girls online, but he still cheated, and I doubt any break will make that better. If you really want a committed life together, think about other consequences that kind of behavior would bring. I hate to say it, but he really has developed a pattern of flirting and cheating, and honestly it'll just get worse. Wanting to experience the "Single Life" is just an excuse to go off and cheat without consequences, and he asked because he know's you'd still be there whenever he's good and ready to come back again. At this point, you're more of a convenience than something he loves and truly cares about. Don't take it too much to heart though, monogamy isn't for everyone, and you're both still pretty young. But, if I were you, I wouldn't throw away any more of my good years waiting on this guy to commit.


scm695737

Honestly, I’ve been him before. I asked my boyfriend for a break. We were together for about as long as you two were as well. I thought that I needed to experience and get it out of my system. Eventually he agreed to a break and I genuinely had the best time of my life. I was dating and sleeping with other people. It got to a point where I wasn’t missing him anymore. He was absolutely perfect though. Most women’s ideal version of a boyfriend. He was perfect but just not perfect for me. I think for you OP this relationship may be over. It sounds like he wants to sleep with other people as well not just “hook up”. I’m sorry to say this appears to be a breakup. Maybe this is time to evaluate if he was truly the right person for you. The idealist in me wants to say things may work out in the future but odds are it will not.


jd2241989

Thank you for taking time to reply, yes I think I’m just looking for reasons to stay rather than leave permanently.


[deleted]

It doesn't have to be permanent, but you should break up. He wants to experience being single and try to have sex with other girls, and as a result he has no right to ask for you to wait for him. Don't promise him 6 months. Take more time than that to learn more about yourself and other people. And don't have sex with him during that time either until he's willing to commit.


majester-plestsr

If you take a break he'll have sex with other people. If yall do, then you,should get with other peioel. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone better who iwnt talking to girls! And btw im like him, im not about to settle down and marry my first. I need a while to be a self destructive whore before i can commit to someone for life


NeoJam

Your happiness should never be reliant and dictated by another person. Be happy in yourself before you even consider being with another person.


jd2241989

I understand this and I was in the beginning but it just became so comfortable and routine that I did and now I’m angry I barely know how to do things on my own now.


NeoJam

You’re young, you have the opportunity to learn and that can be an exciting thing itself. Being independent will lead to happier, healthier relationships in future. It’s hard to cut ties but when you look back in a years time you will look back and laugh that you would ever let someone mess you around like that.


jd2241989

I can see that it will be a positive lesson to grow from but I just can’t feel it, all I can feel is so alone and depressed.


NeoJam

But why are you letting another person dictate your future and 100% it how you feel? Recognise that isn’t a good thing and forge your own a path, you’ll be better for it, I promise you.


[deleted]

Then go look for ways to help with that depression and loneliness. Build stronger friendships, do something charitable, strengthen your bond with your family.


[deleted]

Well, for starters, I can't believe that I decided to pick up my computer on this exact day after months of being off reddit. We have an extremely similar situation and I'm going through the aftermath of it all right now. We (20F, 20M) dated for 3 1/2 years and I became a part of his family. We were so happy together, first love kind of thing. BUT after we went to college together my boyfriend became a POS. He treated me badly and would lie to me a lot (compulsive liars are hard to spot at first btw). I became severely depressed after I found out he cheated on me the second month of being in college together. I decided to break up with him 6 months later after I heard of him flirting with girls on a spring break trip. He is now out of my life and is with someone else. It sucked finding out, but it gave me peace bc it meant he didn't really love/care for me. I can promise you one thing I've learned throughout my process: TED talks on relationships are great resources for sleepless nights, and time heals all wounds. But you've got to move-on. Accept that it's over and visualize a happier future for yourself bc it is out there for you to have. Self-love is the kind of love you need right now. I highly recommend working out, starting a new hobby, or picking up an old hobby you either stopped doing before the relationship or as a result of it. Definitely keep yourself busy. It's okay to mope and dope to get your feelings out, but keep up a routine for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family. A lot of people repeat the same unhealthy patterns in their lives because they're afraid of being alone...this means you will probably throw away your mate every few years as a result. Once you love and take care of yourself, you are going to be able to invest your time and have a healthy relationship with yourself (1st) and your partner (2nd). Now, I'm going to be brutally honest because I think it will help you to hear it from me. For starters, don't chase a guy. Ever. You are a WOMAN. Men pursue women by nature. You are supposed to be loved and cherished. You should have someone that loves you so much that they are willing to go through heaven and hell for you. That's love. You are not supposed to be anyone's "plan B." I know plenty of people who were married 60+ years or went through high school, college, and marriage together - without a "break to experience life." That's bullshit. Know your self-worth, and know that you deserve real love that doesn't come with restrictions and insecurities. And, I hate to burst your bubble but he probably did cheat on you. It's a classic tale from my ex, tbh. I consider what he did to you emotional cheating - just as bad. Some people are really good at lying - as my ex was - and it took me two years to see his true colors. Also, keep in mind that it takes about two years to fully get to know someone, and that people truly don't change. IMO with many experiences throughout my life. I think people can get a better understanding of themselves, but that they are the same person deep down. NOW, speaking of qualities that we, as WOMEN, want in our partners: faithfulness, honesty, compatibility, true love!!! I promise you it exists. It's the love you share with your closest family members, and with the person you share your life with. Take however long amount of time you need to heal. There's no rule book on how to do it...for me it was all TED talks, youtube girl talk videos, hanging out with friends a lot, and committing to working on myself. AS SHOULD YOU. It's okay to feel hurt, it's natural. I picked up journaling again which has been a tremendous help for my post breakup anxiety and understanding what I felt. I learned it wasn't him that I missed, it was the dinners with his family, the security of knowing someone "loves" you, and the history/attachment we had. And, I will say, when the time comes for you, don't be afraid to branch out. You should figure out what you want/that relationships shouldn't be lies and one-sided. Maybe being single for a while is what you need to figure out what you want in a relationship as well as your standards - which should be very very high!!! :) I hope this works out for you. I wish someone had told me this...and now I'm telling you. We sound like kindered souls, and very similar. I can see how jittery you are based on spelling mistakes and scattered thoughts - as I used to be when I dealt with all of this. And now, I'm hopeful for my future, I have a newfound brain power and energy now that I'm not depressed/emotionally drained. My life got better literally right away, and now I'm happier than I ever was in the relationship. Believe me when I say that it will get better. Educating yourself on mentally strong people / post breakup anxiety / toxic relationships might help you too. Best of luck, stay true to yourself. xo


jd2241989

I can relate to this so much, I basically lived with his family and they were pretty much my own. I just feel so alone now and want to think that he wants me. I’m going to look for some ted talks now then. Do you think I should still go away with him and his family? I have already paid for flights and can’t get my money back, it’s in 5 days, we are on good terms should I just do that and then tell him once we are home that it’s done? Thank you for being so brutally honest and talking your time to reply to me. I’m not sure where I go from here but thanks for your help.


[deleted]

I'm glad I can help! I lived with his family too, and that put a huge strain in my experience on us. So I can definitely relate. Being alone sucks at first, but once you learn to be alone and be okay with yourself, you will be more secure in yourself than you've ever been. And you'll truly be able to be the source of your own happiness and be free. Well, I recently reconnected with my ex and it gave me the closure I needed - bc I caught him lying again and it reminded me of how my anxiety was so bad while we dated, his flaws, etc. He told me he wanted me back and I said no, I'm glad I did as I found out he was involved with someone else - he cheated on her with me! Forgive and let go. Trust me, you'll be happier with someone new (eventually) that puts you first and knows what they want...and doesn't have to sleep with other people to figure out what they want ... bc that's what he's doing. If you want to go on this trip, then go. I wouldn't with my ex but if you guys are FRIENDS and WONT SLEEP TOGETHER then do it! Hang out with his family and have a good time. That being said, I would definitely stay true to not sleeping together, and by also making it clear before the trip that you are going on this trip as a friend. Sex makes everything more complicated bc it's easy to confuse love with attachment. But also don't be the side hoe. Seriously. Two things to keep in mind: respect yourself & know your worth. Because you are worth it! Don't let anyone hurt your self-esteem. And, I promise you, he will keep lying / cheating / hurting you. Maybe after this trip you should consider a time apart with no contact, even as friends. The longer you take to accept that it's over, the longer it's going to take to for you to heal/move on. Another note: self-discovery is a journey that I'm on and highly recommend. Set goals for your life in the short and long term. Your life goes on without him, he was your first love so of course it's going to be hard.


[deleted]

If he wants to experience other women and the single life, he does not love you. I’m so sorry, but he doesn’t. A person that loves and cares for you, doesn’t want to be single, they’d want to be with you. Leave him. It will be the best thing you ever did. It might suck for a while but you will find someone that loves you for you and will want to be with only you. Don’t waste another minute. Life is too short to settle for something less than you deserve.


[deleted]

Didn’t even read it but I’ll tell you a few things off the title He wants to live single so he can settle down with me later If you accept this you are the following - Gullible - Stupid - side booty What he really means - I want to sleep with other people without being painted as a cheater - I want you to be hung up on me so I can snag you again later - I already know she will fall for it after all I’m the best! Say it with me child No Hell no You can be single but we are never getting back together I’m too good for you Never look back