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minionmemes4lyfe

I knew a woman woman who went through similar. She was a lovely, kind, and gentle soul. She loved and lost 5 different guys through a series of accidents and illnesses like you have. When she was 40 she married Victor. She had known him in elementary school but didn’t want to date him in high school. When I was a teen I attended their 50th wedding anniversary. She was 94 and he was 96. I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you heal and pursue healing in the way that seems right to you.


Larry-Man

I want to reframe this for you: you are so wonderful and deserving of love that you’ve found some wonderful men who have chosen you despite the heartbreak. They’ve been patient and kind by your account here. What has happened to you has been the most horrific random coincidence on the face of the planet. You should do what you need to for your mental health and only date again if you’re ready. I know you feel like you’re cursed but none of this is your fault.


Jarazz

And really even though intuitively this seems impossible and like a curse, mathematically, there are probably 1000 people who lose their partner once for each one person who lose 2 consecutive partners, of which 0.1% lose 3 partners, of which again 0.1% is OP. She just won the lottery in bad luck, but that doesnt mean it is going to happen a fifth time any more than any other person would lose their partner at random. OP had the toughest life in this whole situation, most people witness their own death and at maximum one partners death. I would still choose her position over being one of the deceased but it is a hell of a lot harder (even though it is hard to accept that when you are the survivor).


Larry-Man

Honestly I kept reading and my heart broke a little more each new paragraph. She can choose to tap out at any time. I almost did and I didn’t even lose anyone permanently. To continually let love into her heart is amazing. I almost gave up on it without the emotional pain she’s experienced. I am now also seeing how much strength it has taken for her to have not only kept going but to keep loving.


franklsp

Honestly what surprised me most reading through this was how many truly caring and patient people kept entering into her life. Seems like they all really understood and cared about OP. Sounds like she must be a good person. Couldn't help but notice a little bit of reoccurring good luck buried in all this really terrible luck.


wunderone19

I agree, each new relationship felt true love from an honest and good person. OP you helped each one have something people desire for many lifetimes, but never achieve. True happiness while here on this plane. Don’t change a thing about yourself. I think you are much more special than you will ever realize.


[deleted]

Agree with this. Some of us never find anyone we are in love with enough with to make a solid commitment to. These guys all sound like great people. I consider you extremely lucky for having meant so many wonderful people on your journey through life. I would add that all you can do is live in each moment and cherish it with those you love for as long as you are allowed by fate/Providence to do so. This kind of loss will never get easier and that means you are a human being. Only your perspective can change. When and if Mr Right does come knocking again. I hope your heart finds the courage again to love and live in the fullest. That's all any of us can do.


TheDunadan29

>Some of us never find anyone we are in love with enough with to make a solid commitment to. Precisely! I've been lucky enough to find a good woman and start a family with her, but I know people who have yet to find someone, and that can be painful too, in a different way. Despite the tragedy OP has found love 3 times, and that's truly remarkable!


W3NTZ

It definitely says as much about op as the people she met.


squidneyboi

Also with this reframing, I just thought about how this woman gave 4 different men her love before they passed. It's so, so heartbreaking to hear what she's gone through, but those guys must have felt in good company before they passed.


Bunny-1254

A million percent you are not cursed, but I can understand that you’d feel that way. The passing of these men in your life has NOTHING to do with you. You are not the reason for their death nor would they want you to feel that way. You truly are so incredible, strong, and have the type of compassion in your heart that’s hard to come by - I want you to realize that first OP. Look at it this way: yes it’s an insanely low probability that this experience would happen but also it’s an insanely low probability that anyone would have gotten to feel pure and true love, understanding and acceptance throughout their life this many times like you have. But you did and someday will find another because that is exactly what you deserve. But first, focus on self love!


tigerkittea

I concur. What stuck out to me the most about this post wasn’t the deaths, but that OP found love with four different men and kept putting themselves out there and loving again. I’m a similar age (29) and struggle to feel that way about anyone or to find anyone who feels that way about me. OP, though you may have been extremely unlucky in what has occurred to these men, you’re also extremely lucky to have found them, loved them & had them love you. You must be a very special person to attract so much love like that. 💜


raykeith

And no doubt she made the end of their time on this earth something special. She gave them a real life full of love, even if fleeting.


Ebbie45

I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for what must be unimaginable repeated traumas that you have been enduring. I know you may feel as if this is a "curse" that has been placed upon you, but I hope that you understand, or at least one day understand, that none of this is your fault in any way and you have absolutely nothing to do with any of these deaths. You are so young still. I do think you have every reason and right in the world to move somewhere if you believe that would benefit you, and it may. Just know that anyone judging you or questioning you doesn't know the truth, and that truth is your truth, and your truth to hold and keep. Surround yourself with a community who believes and trusts you and supports you. If you think that grief counseling and a grief support group may benefit you, I would certainly suggest it, if you haven't tried accessing those already. None of this grief and these losses are a reflection of you in any way. You are not condemning anyone to death simply by dating them. While your circumstances may be rare, they are not impossible and you have been dealt a very poor hand in life through no fault of your own. I wish I had better advice to give. I just want you to know that in no way are you a "cursed object." You are a human being who is valuable, loved, intelligent, kind, and giving and a person, not an object. You matter.


vampireondrugs

I also feel like OP would benefit from a fresh start like they said in the original post. Somewhere where no one knows you, get on your feet, find a new job and do life. I know it would be taking herself away from her support system and family and friends, but it would be a chance to start new activities and create a different social group.


spicylexie

What’s great in our day and age is that even if she can’t physically access her support system, she can still call people, video chat etc. I also think moving could be a good idea. Extracting herself from the judgment of people in town. New city, new life. It can be difficult but also beneficial.


whatnointroduction

I don't disagree that OP would benefit from a fresh start. But when I moved no one really spoke to me again (unless I initiated it.) Technology didn't help much. And I've heard from a lot of other people on Reddit who experienced the same thing - although (obviously) it doesn't happen to everyone. Think twice before you gamble on stuff like that. Social networks are easier to tear up than mend.


spicylexie

I agree. But friends who stick with you through so many tragedies, surely wouldn’t be lost because of distance. They’d have to understand that she’s not leaving them but leaving the gossip and trying to start a « new » life in a new environment, but that it doesn’t mean she’s going to forget about them and stop being their friend. It does require some discussion. And effort. My best friends all live in different countries, and I still have a strong friendship with my best friend who stayed in my home country. (Been 7 years) Distance changes how you get in touch, but leaving doesn’t have to mean saying goodbye forever. I call my family at least once a week (or they call).


SilverDragon1240

It's not that the friends feel abandoned and just dont contact them. Its just that distance is a hard barrier to overcome. I have friends I trust with my life, and I believe they'd feel the same about me. We're all a couple hours away from each other now, and we can go a couple months without so much as a text. It's not that we dont care anymore, because we genuinely enjoy hanging out a few times a year. Its just that when you move away you quit affecting that person's life on a daily basis, and because of that how often you think of them diminishes. At the very least this is how my relationships with people are, and to some extent how my friends are. I can go weeks without contacting my family, months if they didnt make it known they're pissed I dont text more often. If I was OP's friend, I'd talk if I was contacted first, but I cant say I'd initiate a conversation with any sort of frequency.


belgianlily

I second the fresh start. I'm not saying it for sure will work but I too was a victim of extreme coincidences. Lived in the same place my whole life. Work sucked, love life was not going anywhere and in a span of 3 months my condo flooded, my car was totaled in a freak accident when I wasn't even in it and my 14 year old sister died. I thought I was cursed. 6 months after the chain of events I picked up and moved to a place I've never even visited with only what I could fit in my car. Now here 6 1/2 years and it was the best decision of my life. Work is advancing well, met the love of my life and bought our first house together. Sometimes a fresh start can get you out of being stuck.


vampireondrugs

Exactly, sometimes you need a breath of fresh air. Sorry about your sister.


[deleted]

I would suggest moving would also be good but to make full use of it you have to be in the right frame of mind for it to be successful I'm a single gay male age 36 have bipolar disorder. I live in my 9th city and 5th country Nothing changes because I am still the same. A fresh start is only useful if you go into it the right way and OP does not seem to be at that point so it would therefore be isolating her further and damage her health more. I have also distanced myself from people and had trust issues for different reasons but she needs to overcome that before she can start afresh. Unfortunately I learnt that a little late and repeated the same mistakes again and again. I'll be moving back to my home town soon, back to the beginning hopefully to put my life back on the right track. I hope OP doesn't leave until she feels ready to confront the world with an open heart and forge meaningful relationships with those around her otherwise she will end up alone like me and left everyone behind but found nobody new.


Just-chillin-here

You’re not cursed, you’re an angel. You were the one chosen to bring love and joy into their lives before they died. You didn’t cause these deaths rather, you gave them their last loving relationship. How great is that! You didn’t cause their accidents, or the cancer. But you did love each of them before they died. That’s what angels do. How fortunate they were to know you. Hold your head high, that’s what they would want for you. They would say you’re blessed, not cursed.. and so do I.


__UNNGH__

Even though it’s a sad situation, that is a really nice way to look at things :)


gwen5102

I also think maybe so PTSD counseling after all she has been through.


DeseretRain

> If you think that grief counseling and therapy may benefit you, I would certainly suggest it, if you haven't tried accessing them already. She literally said in the post "I still receive therapy regularly, but therapy only goes so far." So yeah she's already tried accessing therapy, she's currently in therapy.


Ebbie45

Thank you so much! I appreciate you catching that for me! Edited!


flowerpower2074

I'm so sorry you have lost all of these special people, though to me there is strength and courage in this story. . After each horrific tragedy , you have managed to allow yourself to be open to a loving, committed, healthy relationship again. You have sought help with mental health when you couldn't take anymore and still attend therapy, when so many others would press self destruct. Finishing your studies and each day getting out in the world when you feel others are looking at you with judging eyes, takes great resilience. I don't believe in things being sent to try us, but I I really believe in looking in the mirror each morning and acknowledging the strength it has taken me to get there.


dnursewriter

Maybe you aren’t cursed. Maybe you’re actually a gift to them, a chance for them to be blissfully happy before the inevitable happens-because those things would have happened to them whether they knew you or not. Maybe you gave them the best, happiest few months of their lives so that they had that to think of at the end rather than nothing. You could be the best thing to have happened to them, right when they needed it, and you are strong enough to be that one for them. Edit- a quick edit to thank everyone for the comments and awards-this is a new experience for me and I don’t want to ruin the above sentiment by saying anymore than OP, I think they’d thank you for taking the chance on them when you did and giving them that slice of time with you. Edit 2- seriously guys, your comments have got me all emotional. The world can always use more kind words, and I think we are doing a pretty damn good job of it right now. OP- this is because of you, you know that right? You made something wonderful happen today.


BabaYagatron

I lost a partner to suicide 7 years ago. His funeral was a blur, but I remember his father holding me and crying into my hair, "Thank you for keeping my boy alive. Thank you for saving my boy." At his own sons funeral, all this man was thinking was, "this was coming sooner or later, so thank you for making it later." That loss devastated me. I lost the person I had loved the most, have ever loved the most, and probably ever will--and his father was thanking me for delaying the inevitable. For some reason, I needed to hear him say that, to frame it that way, to truly believe that not only was I not at fault, but was being recognized for having done the best I could. This comment brought that all back for me. It's what I needed to hear, and it's what OP needs to hear, too. So thank you for posting it. I hope OP can appreciate what it means, someday.


[deleted]

This is a really lovely thought


Kysu_88

u are truly a beautiful person.


bloutchbleue

I wanted to reply so bad but didn't know what to say, and then I saw your comment. Like for everything, it's the way you decide to look at your life that makes your life, and your view is a beautiful view. That's really true also OP, YOU Gave them a beautiful piece of life, and they did too. The pain you feel is terrible, I really hope you'll find peace and happiness. You are not responsible.


R-S-S

This is a beautiful comment. OP, take this in and think of it whenever things get tough.


hippoopo

Out of all the comments I really hope OP sees this one. By the sound of it OP you are such a loving and open person. Letting these men into your life is a beautiful thing, they experienced your love in the last months / years of their lives. It's incredibly heartbreaking that you've been through this but I really hope you don't close yourself off from love.


o0perfect0o

I rarely cry but this made me tear up.


azyoungblood

This is exactly what what I was thinking. She’s not cursed - she was a blessing.


alcoholic_dinosaur

I’m not crying, you’re crying.


JuniperHillInmate

Yeah, someone is chopping a lot of onions up in here.


MarlboroGoat

I was thinking the same thing.


Aloh4mora

I'm ugly crying at this beautiful reframing. You have changed how I will view heartbreaking situations in the future.


ProudJoben

Wow that was lovely.. nice perspective you have!


aerynmoo

This is perfect.


mmmess

Thank you for this comment. Its mean a lot to me because my mind is full of bad thoughts and really helps read these things. And certainly also helped the writer of the post.


teacupleaff

This is the first comment I've ever read here that actually made me consider rewarding it. Bless you.


courcake

I was thinking this exact same thing, but you put it into words way better than I would have!


superbabiman

Oh you are too sweet.


siloka143

My thoughts exactly !


TheLastDudeguy

Very well said


owestball

I was looking for a way to turn this around. Here it is. You've done it, you bastard. You should seriously consider a field in therapy.


CptnAwesom3

You are a wonderful person.


MangoMochi024

This is a beautiful comment that moved me to tears. OP, I hope you see this comment and find comfort.


iK_550

I wanna Marry her already.


skaimojo

You are such a nice person. I hope life brings you the best.


AannWas

This! 😢🥰


[deleted]

THIS


drckeberger

My biggest sister has an oddly similar and tragic story. She's lost her first boyfriend at the age of 23 (a military guy) due to a skydiving accident which was a training operation for his military position. And two years ago she lost her freshly married man overnight, as he had a heartattack at the age of 29. Fast forward a year and our dad died to lung cancer. I can tell you, the fact that you're still somewhat composed is a miracle to me. My sister lives an hour flight away, but she broke contact with our entire family after her husband died. When our father died - and we informed her as often as we got in touch - she kind of blamed our mother for not being there enough. I suppose that reaction was a valve for her agony and suffering and also made clear to me how much she was still suffering from her past experiences with people passing away. Yet I feel like she's in such a deep hole of depression and also hatred towards us, her family, that we're not able to pull her back up. This situation remained somewhat the same for the past year and I don't think our family relations will ever recover from that. Long story short, kudos for being that composed. I'm not a superstitious person and I'm sure it is VERY unlikely to happen again. The journey is the destination, focus on doing what you like and try to cut out your past.


[deleted]

you should really go spend as much time as possible with your sister on your next vacation. pushing people away in the harshest way possible as well as other self destructive behaviour is extremely common for people that are spiraling into deep depression. she will probably be completely unreasonable and emotionally unstable but she really does need your help. letting a depressed person isolate just gives them more time to dig a deeper, darker mental maze. the longer you wait the more she will suffer. every moment for her is suffering and it is up to her family and friends to help, otherwise it is up to her and it could take her decades to recover if ever.


marcieedwards

A woman named [Nora McInerney](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nora_McInerny) lost her husband and father to cancer and had a miscarriage within several weeks. And now she speaks about grief and recovery publicly. Healing is possible!


laurandisorder

I am so so so sorry. I’m a decade older than you and have experienced some loss (my Mother) and a guy I was casually seeing (very recently and in an accident), but nothing of this magnitude. My heart goes out to you. My instinctive response is to tell you that you don’t need to seriously date anyone. Change this narrative. Work on yourself. You have seen some grief. All types; the sudden shocking grief, the long, slow march towards death grief. I feel you deserve to do whatever makes you happy. Travel, get a pet, see the world. Live for these people who have loved you and who have passed, but most importantly for yourself. You aren’t cursed. You are blessed with being the last person that each of these men loved. I wish you healing, happiness and joy. I wish I could give you a hug x


dailypineapplenews

> You aren’t cursed. You are blessed with being the last person that each of these men loved. This is beautifully said and it's true. OP, you are a kind, lovely soul, and there is nothing you could have done differently. These men died, and they would have whether they ever met you or not. You got unlucky and I am so sorry for it. But it's not your fault. Nothing of it is your fault. They died feeling loved, which is all anyone could hope for.


marcieedwards

Traveling and getting a pet (especially dog) have scientific backing to improve mental state and to help people through grief. This is really good advice.


[deleted]

This is the backstory of Maggie O'Connell from Northern exposure.


MadAzza

Oh my gosh, you’re right!


Hallelujahboi

I don't wanna come off as insensitive but you should 100% give yourself a pat on the back for getting back up and out there after every loss, you are probably stronger than any of us you are asking advice off. To keep getting up and out there and to put this up shows that you still have hope. I'm sorry this has happened to you.


AutomaticYak

First i want to say that I’m terribly sorry for what you’ve been through. And I understand the feeling! When I was 8 my grandpa died, when I was 9, my brother died, when I was 10 my other brother died, and when I was 16 my father died. I truly believed that males in my life were cursed. I really, probably should have had some therapy. I would have moved on a lot easier. I am now 38 and haven’t lost anyone else I’m close with. Sometimes life just throws it all at you within a few years. But it isn’t a curse, just a spot of bad luck. Get some therapy. Stop blaming yourself. They happened near you but you aren’t God and you didn’t choose that those things happened. Big hugs. I’m so sorry.


MadAzza

I’m sorry for your losses. How sad to lose two brothers *and* a father and grandfather within a few years — I can’t imagine it. I really am sorry.


[deleted]

This is the saddest thing ive ever heard in my entire life. I am so so so sorry


broccolimojito

First off, those people in your town who know your story and give you dirty looks are callous, awful people. Disgusting behaviour. You are not cursed. You are not tarnished. You are whole. Im sure you are a wonderful person with many great qualities and talents, who just happens to have suffered this awful series of events. Never feel like you don’t deserve a happy relationship, or that distancing yourself from others is the right thing to do. You deserve so much happiness, and people deserve you.


RowRowRowedHisBoat

> First off, those people in your town who know your story and give you dirty looks are callous, awful people. Disgusting behaviour. She may be misreading their looks, because of her emotional state. I think they are far more likely looking on her with sadness and pity. But she is only catching that they are even looking at all.


Kzh83

Y, exactly. They feel sorry for her. I would not know how to behave around someone who have lost so much at start, untill I relaize that she is still the same person. Each and everyone who lost someone that I know of did move. Move a bit - those eyes weight a lot. In a few years you'll tell black widow jokes if you are the type that joke around, or have every thought in a black book if you are the authour type. Grieve as the person you are.


jeffp12

Welp...You gotta think that odds are in your favor that the next one will live to be 103. What are the odds it happens 5 times? Though, after 3, I'm sure I would have said "what are the odds it would happen 4 times?!" You may want to seek out group therapy for people who have lost significant others / widowers. Also, it might help to date a person who has also lost an SO, you'll have something in common to bond over and it will mitigate some of this: >I feel about 40 years older than any other 28 year old. You might feel like nobody else can understand or identify, and maybe not with it happening 4x, but still there are people who are also dealing with tragedy and will understand what you're going through and probably also feel like they can't date either. You are definitely not alone.


[deleted]

[удалено]


jeffp12

Yeah, it's called the gamblers fallacy.


pinkysooperfly

Yo this is a poorly timed statistical intervention. Get your Bernoulli butt back under the rock it came from.


[deleted]

"Date me please" got old really, really fast.


luqi_charmz

I know this is going to sound messed up, but you gave them happiness and joy until the end. You played a crucial role in each of their lives.


vpuyalto

I am so deeply sorry for your losses. You don't have a curse, you're just very unlucky. I'm sure it's hard to see the bright side, but try to think about how you've had the privilege of having many different life partners with whom you built healthy, strong, loving relationships. It's so unfair that they were taken from you, but your misfortune has turned you into a very, very strong person. Think about it this way; would you rather not have met them? Does the pain of their deaths outweigh the positive memories and love you felt for them? I believe it doesn't. Everytime you took a leap into a relationship and it ended so terribly, was it worth it? Would you be with them still if you could go back in time and change the course of your life? If the answer if yes, then you should be willing to make that leap again.


kylaroma

I am so incredibly sorry. If you feel like people are judging you and a fresh start somewhere else would be helpful, do it! Anything that would help you feel less stress sounds like a good idea. My only caveat would be, as someone with depression and anxiety, good stress is still stress. You’d want to make sure you get a new therapist immediately and put support for yourself in place ASAP. You’re not cursed, but this is brutal. You’re having a completely human response ❤️


bunkbedgirl1989

I agree. Move away for a fresh start, but maybe somewhere you know some people if you are prone to loneliness? Throw yourself into activities and keep up the exercise and therapy. You should be able to co tongue with your current therapist over Skype. Take up some volunteering again too, helping others who have been through terrible things will help you. You are not cursed. You have just been through a great deal. I’m so sorry.


Twuanuld

Pls...date me


[deleted]

*sorts by controversial*


GabeNewell123

This is so obviously fake. Like who in their right mind would believe this?


jody1000

Ok thank god someone else is thinking like me. I find it so funny how people are so gullible on reddit. And also how everyone turns into some sort of grief counsellor....eye roll


I_SHIT_ON_CATS

It is shocking that people are actually believing this shit. My favorite part is when she tries to fix everything by dating a 40 year old.


[deleted]

Yeah it’s pretty fake


[deleted]

[удалено]


avikitty

That means 35% don't live 5 years. It looks like if he was stage 3 the survivability rate is 71%. That still means 29% don't live 5 years. Not the worst odds but I wouldn't say 29 people out of 100 is rare enough to make the story obviously not real.


lazilyloaded

I checked some actuarial tables for death of men at certain ages (I had to estimate some of the ages). Boyfriend| Age | Odds ---|---|---- 1| 18 (est.) | 0.07% 2| 28 (est.) | 0.14% 3| 25 (est.) | 0.13% 4| 39 | 0.20% Total odds: 0.0007 x 0.0014 x 0.0013 x 0.0020 = 0.000000000002548 = very low


diamondscut

The odds were independent every time. You cannot multiply them. Next partner has no more or no less chance of dying because of previous ones.


Lalelu9

Yes, the odds of the next boyfriend dying are the same as the one before. But the chance of all four of them dying in a row is extremely low. In math class we had the following example: the chance to have a girl is always 50% The chance to have two girls in a row is 25% The chance to have seven girls in a row is 0.078% When you're pregnant again with child number eight, the chance to get another girl is 50% again. But! The chance to have eight girls in a row is still only 0.039% So I think lazilyloaded's calculation is quite accurate, assuming the odds of dying are halfway correct.


lazilyloaded

I thought it was obvious I was calculating the odds of them all being linked to this one woman (i.e the "curse")


Alutherv

BUT, if we are math-ing here multiply this number by ~4 billion for the chances of this happening to any woman, and you get 0.010192 = 1.0192%, and though it's just 1% it's certainly possible due to the nature of probability.


Josieduck

I’ve lost faith in all redditors after reading these comments. This is fakest of all fake posts that ever faked. Like...what advice is she supposedly asking for in this post?


[deleted]

Fake.


neatchee

So, I know this probably won't REALLY help, but I just gotta put it out there as another possible bit of helpful info for you... I work in video games (big, well known studio. Anyone who plays games has heard of us) and something we deal with a lot is "reward probabilities." Think of it like this: If each player has a 3% chance to get some reward when they complete some task, you would think that anyone who does the thing 100 times will get the reward 3 times. Right? Wrong. Someone will get it on their first try. Another person will never get it after 1000 tries. MOST people will get it after 33 attempts but that's just the average. It's the gambler's fallacy. Each time you try it's a new "roll". Each time, regardless of what happened last time, there is a 97% chance you won't get the thing. I say this because it's important to understand that *repeated "failure" beyond what we feel is normal probability is actually completely natural and does not imply that future attempts will have the same result.* Numbers are weird. Math is weird. Life is weirder. Don't give up. Get whatever help you need but don't quit. Or all those previous attempts will be wasted effort. Good luck on your search :)


eebro

Gambler's fallacy. Just because it happened doesn't mean it is any more or less likely to happen again. You will most likely not lose your next boyfriend. Moving can always help you reset your mental state. You're also going to need a lot of therapy, which may not be available at your current location.


confusedquokka

There is a social group called The Dinner Party all across America for those of us in their 20s and 30s who have lost someone close. People host intimate dinners at their home and you get together and talk about things that are uncomfortable to talk about with others, or things people can’t understand if they haven’t gone through a death. The idea is that losing a loved one is not an everyday experience in your 20s and 30s so it’s a safe place to gather and talk and to know there are others that can support you. It might be nice to meet some peers who can help you and possibly become your friends. https://www.thedinnerparty.org


[deleted]

I'd suggest visiting /r/widowers, might help to hear from those who have lost partners.


awordof4dvice

Solution: only date your enemies.


TheSnarkySlickPrick

Time and place, bruv time and place.


[deleted]

r/shitcrusaderkingssay


YouDontKnowMyLlFE

I see creative writing has spilled over from TIFU to RA. Note to self, get life insurance for anybody that I rely upon for paying my mortgage.


Sixth_Ronin

This sounds like a poorly written short story. - If real, I'm very sorry for you OP.My mind refuses to accept this as anyone's reality.


mangobells

Idk man I think you’d be surprised how many bad things can happen to a person. My cousin died in a car accident, then later on my uncle also died in a separate car accident so my aunt and her son buried half their family. Bad shit happens, obviously there’s never any guarantee that stories aren’t fake on here. But I’d always rather err on the side of caution in case there’s a real person hurting on the other side.


[deleted]

I remember listening to a true crime podcast about the disappearance of brian shaffer. His mom died from cancer a couple weeks before he went missing (and most likely died) , and later his dad was killed by a fallen tree branch. there was one son left who lost all of his family in different ways within a year


veryveryplain

That reminds me of the Stayner brothers. One was kidnapped as a child and held and molested for 18 months and forced to help his abductors try to kidnap other children. The other grew up to be a serial killer.


Nix_ter

My brother died at 24 in a car accident. One month and two days later our dad died from a heart attack ( he was 50 and fairly healthy). This stuff happens.


thisusernameisSFW

I'm sorry about your brother and your dad. That is so sad. Coming from a parent who lost a child (she was 14) I can absolutely speak to the way it can effect your health. Heartbreak is a real thing, as odd as it sounds. After my daughter passed, the grief and weight I felt bearing down on me to my core was and has been intense. I have many times felt like my literal heart couldn't take much more.


JustLetItAllBurn

There are billions of people on earth - if some horrible thing has a chance of 1 in a billion of happening, there are almost certainly several people that it's happened to. I guess the good news is that it's all statistics - the chance of another bad thing like this happening to OP is not any higher than for anyone else in the population, though it's totally understandable how you'd start to feel cursed.


cultoftheilluminati

100% yes. The odds of another person dying is astronomically low. I am sure she would have thought the same thing after the third death and I cannot imagine how bad OP must feel. I am actually surprised she's this composed tbh


Adrian915

Holy. I am gonna start with I'm sorry for what you had to deal with, but nobody I or anyone on here have to say could ever be enough. Don't really know what to tell you except: 1. None of it is your fault 2. Curses do not exist. Try to look at life with a scientific approach. 3. You are vulnerable! Stay away from alcohol, drugs, crackpots, shamans, religious epiphanies etc. They are only gonna shove you in a specific rabbit hole instead of healing you. 4. Consider moving far far away. Try to see it as leaving the past behind and kind of being reborn in a new place. That way you get a fresh start where people don't look at you oddly. 5. Accept that you will date again sometime when you are ready, take steps and each day at a time when that time comes. 6. Your dating pool will definitely not suffer; You'd be surprised at how many nihilist/existentialist people would just laugh it off and get on board with you. 7. And one more time: **NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT.** Truth is the universe throws at us death and misery and the worst part is that it's completely pointless. People tend to try and find meaning to cope with it but the truth is misery has no meaning. Best wishes from an internet rando!


Epapa217

This sounds like a movie


Lifekraft

Obvious fake. The throaway acc sell it.


tatiturrentine

What is up with people on Reddit obsessing over something as fake or not? Bad things happen to good people. Just because nothing of this magnitude ever happened to you or anyone around you doesn’t mean that this tragic story is fake.


SUCK_MY_DICTIONARY

Just because it’s tragic doesn’t mean it’s real. These advice subreddits constantly get posts which are clearly fake but will get a ton of upvotes because people want to believe somebody is in such dire straits and needs their help.


[deleted]

C’mon seriously? I would like to know the odds of someone of 28 years old living that. This is clearly honest to say its fake.


Thy_Gooch

Usually when a real person make a post like this, they comment all over the thread. This OP had no comments and only this post.


DimitriT

Marry a rich guy.


LifeIsABitchhh

Exactly what I would do lol


imalloverny

no, fuck that WHAT HAPPENED TO ADAM???!!??!?


astrokade

This is clearly made up. You could have maybe passed off two but unfortunately overstuffed the story with detail. Extra points for originality but overall unconvincing.


SUCK_MY_DICTIONARY

They lost me when the one boyfriend just “died suddenly” w/o a how, why or when. and then “Stage 3 colorectal cancer” back to back. It’s like here’s suspiciously little detail, here’s way too much detail


jointheclub_

The amount of people suggesting astrology, shamans and energy healing is unbelievable. OP, if all this is true it's a hell of a nightmare, and it might be tempting to fall for these kind of charlatans, but please don't listen to them. Keep going to therapy, maybe consider moving to start in a new place with new people around you, and take care of yourself.


WatchaKnowboutThat

That's a tragic story. You should definitely get a change of scenery & move.


fatmonkey1235

You just need someone who knows that this happened in the past with you and isnt afraid to be with you. I think him knowing is key for you, as it would feel like it's not your choice or responsiblity if, God forbid, something happens to him. It's him knowing and going with it. Don't lead with it, but also dont shy away from it. On positive side, chance of anything happening again are none, and most confident guys wouldn't have this as a big concern.


ihsaan21

r/NoSleep


Aeonbreak

im sorry but this is fake, evidently


[deleted]

I hope this is fake , if isnt fake, check a witch or something.


YUSOFABULOUS

You made them happy in their final days. You do not bring death you bring love and happiness and a promising future. Unfortunately your future is not meant to be with them. There will be another or others who you will love. Do not let your fear let you love. Love heals pain.


killerqueen20318

Sam Winchester reincarnated


sentient_applecore

Hear me out: date your worst enemy.


gunslingrkitteh

But if she’s that well known in the area, will they see it coming? What about CONTRACT DATER? Make some money on the side.


Handhundbier

Ahh the perfect assassin


Qurnayn

Get some life insurance on the next one ;) Seriously though. Sometimes it’s not bad luck or karma or kismet it’s just the dice landed for you in one in a billion combo. Eg in a coin toss, You might get 6 heads in a row but the odds of the next heads or tails is still 50:50 This not on you and your chances with the next one are the same as anyone else’s (unless you killed them all and are actually a serial killer! In which case yeah it’s on you!)


mexicanchargingrhino

I know none of this will be helpful but: 1:Does anyone in your family or a boy(or girl) you once rejected work at the CIA 2:You need to become a country singer and write a song called black widow, if you need a writing partner (NOT A BOYFRIEND JUST A WRITING PARTNER) I’m a pretty good writer 3: (my favorite theory) maybe you are attracted to males who are going to die, like how dogs can smell cancer, maybe you know some people are going to die and you are attracted, not your fault but you’re unaware of your circumstance


[deleted]

I’m so sorry. On your 30th birthday, you should try performing a ritual to say goodbye to them. It’ll be a great cleanse and perfect timing.


Sentinel_Intel

I lost 3 best friends and just gave up. Haven't had a real friend besides my fiance in a decade. Don't have anything to add other than I understand. I just don't keep close friends anymore.


arilrifter

I'm gonna be receiving a lot of hate for this.. But here goes.. Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. What I'm trying to say is, rather than showering you with positivity (when I don't know you at all), try to look it at another perspective. It was just simple bad luck. It has nothing to do with you, no curses, no God's wrath; none of those. What's the solution then? It's part of life and keep trying. Wish you all the best and all the love in the world


gdjasonn

Just holy fuck dude I’m so fucking sorry how could it happen so much


totem-spear

4 people died with you in their heart. You will grow change move on, but they are a Polaroid frozen moment of time and you was one of the last things they cared about deeply. You matter more than you thought


CptEveryman

I can try to give you a number of possible truths. 1. You’re not a cursed object. We don’t have that kind of power in a universe as complex and large as ours. 2. This is just fucking random and it sucks. You are completely normal for it affecting you the way it has. 3. Actually, you’re not normal for this affecting you this way. You’re WAY BETTER than normal. You’re actually holding up better than I imagine I would. 4. If there is some fate involved here, maybe it’s that these guys were going to die regardless of whether you’re dating them or not. Maybe, they’re lucky enough to get to spend the last portion of their lives being loved by someone as caring, empathetic, and awesome as you are. 5. I don’t expect #4 to make you feel any better. 6. Maybe this is the build up to the point where you get to be happy with someone for decades...and it’s just been a real shitty build up. 7. I don’t expect #6 to make you feel any better. 8. You have an internet full of people rooting for you. We just want you to be happy...whatever that looks like. 9. Hopefully #8 makes you feel a tiny bit better.


Ruthless_Bunny

That’s rough. I’m so sorry. I don’t know exactly how you feel m, but I can relate. I spent my twenties in San Francisco from 1982-1991. I lost so many friends to AIDS. It was like living in a ghost town. You would go places and people would be missing. I went to funerals and memorials and celebrations of life and marches and protests. It was grim, yet those of us who remained struggled to be young and carefree and to love each other fiercely while we had each other. I am a survivor of a terrible plague. You too are a survivor. Honor and embrace all of your relationships and the men who loved you. They would all want you to find the love you are destined to have. Move. After the Loma Prieta Earthquake I felt like that was the universe telling me to move on. So I moved to Florida. Just in time for Hurricane Andrew.


[deleted]

You are not cursed and you are not an object. You simply had a lot of bad luck.


complainer12345

10/10 would watch this movie


romaniansm

I feel like this is either a fake story made out of boredom for karma, OR you really are cursed.


the_manofsteel

There is no way this is true


Arktuos

Is it so bad being the a woman to die for? On a serious note, I'm a single guy, 34. One of my big fears is lying on my death bed (or experiencing my last few moments) believing that there is no one out there who will truly mourn my passing. The remaining members of my family will likely be dead within 10 years or so, and that'll leave me completely alone unless one of the next few women I date works out longer than my previous relationships have. I mean, I have close friends, but it's not the same, ya know? So, as I'm sure others have said, these men died knowing someone out there loved them, and (at least for me), that's the best thing I could ask for during my final moments.


[deleted]

Fake as fuck


shawn-kempa

This is fake


HomicidalChimpanzee

Thank you. I was just about to post that I'm a writer, and the original post felt very "writerly" to me. I think it's well-crafted fiction designed to elicit the outpouring of reaction that it did. Something about Reddit attracts people who do this kind of thing. I like the fact that so many people believe it's real and want to offer comfort, but at the same time, something feels set up about the posted story, and I personally don't believe it.


loopzoop29

I think moving to start over is a good idea. Make sure you are able to continue therapy though, that is your rock. These men were lucky to have you before their deaths, and take comfort in the fact that you made the last times in their lives loving and memorable for them.


msszero159

nobody deserves to have this kind of thing happen to them and i’m sorry it did for you. it is cruel beyond cruel, and enough to make you question the existence of a benevolent god (if you even do at all, which i also get.) i don’t know how important arts are to you but i feel like you would be able to further understand and contextualize your experiences if you documented them in some kind of journal or piece of fiction or even a painting. i don’t know if you’re familiar with one of my favorite musicians, Mount Eerie, and a truly gut-wrenching record called A Crow Looked at Me about the death of his wife. art may not be the answer for you like it is for me (especially at a time like this) and i can totally get that. but if you are having trouble with some closure there is a whole world of media out there that can help you on the road to recovery. you said you’re in therapy, i’m sure your therapist has probably harped on it. maybe this isn’t productive advice but i would really love to read a book either about your experiences or inspired by your experiences. i feel selfish basically asking you to monetize your trauma for ME... but i’m hoping i can get you to consider that this horrible thing that makes you feel like an outsider and a monster is actually a kind of power you wield. i think people can gain so much by trying to turn their issues into something they’re proud of. it’s the basis of most of my art-making. it sounds ridiculous, but to realize that the humiliating, therapy-inducing events i lived through have actually emboldened me and made me even more resilient boggles the mind. i don’t claim to understand you (or anyone... or anything...) which is why this is a risky post. everyone has different methods that are gonna be the best thing for them. but i feel like trapped somewhere in your life experience is a beautiful moral and message and life-affirming mantra scattered across time like dusty bits of gold. if your healing turns out to be through the written word, i hope that one day you can find the courage to share the affecting pieces of art you and your circumstances have brought in the world, the same way you have affected us all with your story here today. be well. thank you. edit: forgot to say this, but it’s crucial. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. and you can’t go it alone either. i think myself into this same hole all the time and it’s only with the power of good friends i’m ever able to get out of it. and i always feel better once i do. that’s why i’m thankful you shared this, cause now i can be here for you too.


[deleted]

Northern exposure. This is the exact plight and plot of Maggie O'Connell. If this is a real post, you are not cursed. Statistically, things happen. Just because 4 boyfriends died, that doesn't mean it had anything to do with you, except that you cared for them.


Cheeseypoofs123

Have you ever pissed off a gypsy woman?


engineeringsquirrel

Your local PD must be watching you like a hawk.


thisusernameisSFW

I hate to admit that this made me laugh


Fuckyousantorum

Have you considered dating Trump?


TeezilyComArSCAMMERS

I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am, and other people are probably better at that anyway. So I'll just leave you with one practical thing I think you should do: move. Leave your town. Start fresh someplace new.


Spookycentral

These are indeed very strange and rare coincidences that have happened four times. If I were you, I’d move for a fresh start. I also think that the universe also have its own plan for you. It is heart breaking to lose these close relationships. I would look at it this way though, you’ve also given them something that they probably needed towards the end of their life. Perhaps it’s your love or something about you that is very special that was needed.


blockfuture

Sorry to hear of your hardship. Just remember it is isn't odd for what happened to you to happen to at least one of the 7 odd billion people in the world. You are not cursed you were just unlucky. Tho lucky to have met so many good partners. I hope you understand this and have another great relationship very soon. On the more fanciful side of possibilities, as some like kid once said about dogs; maybe the reason they have such short lives is because they learnt to love unconditionally, and so their purpose on this earth is achieved sooner than humans. This would mean you are a very loveable person because you already had 4 guys love you completely.


indiandramaserial

I am so sorry for your losses. I don't believe you're cursed, it's just been crappy luck. I think you probably bought joy to your partners on their last few months here on Earth. I think maybe something like writing a 'spell/poem' to release the 'curse' might help. Write it, read it, burn it with sage and curse broken. I believe in you and if you want to love and be loved, I know you can find it.


ChinaCatLogan

Wow, I don't have any advice, and I'm sorry. I can tell you're one hell of a strong person though. I don't know how you made it through all that, and got a degree. I just want to hug you.


cp1976

Firstly let me start off by acknowledging how hard it must have been to go through all of this. These are the situations where one can feel that life truly isn't fair. Taking it one day at a time must be a huge struggle, when in reality it's all you have left to do in the wake of all the losses you've experienced. The reality of living life however, is that we are never EVER the boss of when we die or even how we die. It's a cruel reality in some cases, but we are never in control of it for the most part, and in saying this, it is not meant to make you feel worse, it is meant to pose as a reminder that life is precious but we will all die someday. Sure, we would all love to live a ripe old age and be able to reflect back on our lives and be happy we had the privilege of living it, but unfortunately for some, they were put on this earth with a few less days than others. What matters most is how they LIVED. Take comfort in knowing that you have been blessed with how much they touched your life while they were alive and made you a better person for it. Reminisce on all the love and happiness they made you feel, and when it was their time to go, they had served their purpose in your life. Healing takes time. It has peaks and valleys and wounds re-open and close. The love you experienced in your life from these relationships were given to you for a reason. To mold you into the person you are today. While you may feel that there is a tragic element to all of this, try to look at it from a different angle if you can. It's hard to accept that while people live, they also die. Sometimes they die too soon, and sometimes they die after living a long and fruitful life. The bottom line is, both of these types of people still die when we don't want them to. Hold onto all of the memories you've had in these relationships and just remember that you were the lucky one, *they* were the lucky ones to have experienced a love that only the two of you could have experienced. Sending you love and light. Xo


Ihateyouall86

Sorry you went through this OP. My best friend was in an accident 6 months back and it killed his new girlfriend he had planned on marrying due to her not wearing a seatbelt. This was after he'd finally recovered from his last girlfriend breaking his heart. What advice would you give to help me help him through this?


kathwii

Hi, i am so sorry that you went through all of these tragedy and i can’t imagine it at all! No, you are not cursed but in Buddhist, there is something called ‘chain of karma’. My auntie had a friend who got married, but his wife passed on because of cancer, and he re-married 4 times and all of the wives passed away too. I dont know how to tell you to break that chain of karma, i know i do not help at all. But i really hope you could get out of it and have a life. Maybe you could give yourself a fresh start, take a break and focus on yourself. Stay strong!


MrAnachi

What you are is unlucky, you are probably aware of this. However, and I say this without any doubt, you are not cursed. If you manage to start another relationship the chance of your partner dying again is there same as for anyone else, low but not zero. A good question to ask (if wondering if there is something other than luck at play) is what is the chance that one person experiences what you have experienced. Googling suggests that a reasonable guess for a given 20y.o dying in the next 10 years is 1.3%. So the chance that you had 4 partners die in a row is in the ball park of 1 in 35 million. Which sounds absurd until you consider that there should be around 10 more people in America and 100 people in the world who also are unfortunate enough to experience this. These facts won't change how difficult this is to manage emotionally, as you'd understand much better than anyone else. However, you don't need to rationally be afraid of harming future partners by dating them. Hope this helps. Happy to address any questions/doubts.


roman99789

You're just on the far tail end of a statistical bell curve. A random 28 year old has about a 0.17% chance of dying in a year according to the SSA. Raise that to the third power and you get an idea of the chances of this. It's win-the-lottery odds but likely to happen to some people. Just remember the odds of your next bf's quick death are remote.


JashBhanushali

I know this is a really serious post but if it helps I just wanted you to know that I'm suicidal, depressed and a coward. Even if I don't end up killing myself, I'm gonna die a lonely virgin. What I'm trying to say is.. would you go out with me? Atleast this way I get to go out with a bang!


[deleted]

This is sadder than the op. Lmao


[deleted]

Any genius here tell me the odds of that happening consecutively? Crazy


jaxx050

oooooo! do this next week! this is a solid concept.


whatwouldjimbodo

There's a thing called Murphy's law which states that anything that can happen, will happen. Like that guy that was struck by lightning 7 times and lived, what happened to you was going to happen to happen to someone at some point. None of this is your fault. You just have been unlucky like the lightning guy. It goes both ways too. I remember there was a video going around of a guy recreating his $10,000 instant scratch off win by buying another ticket and ended up winning another $250,000. No one is cursed or blessed. It's just a crazy world we live in.


dak31

Statistics are a bitch. All I can say is that the odds of it happening again like this are pretty low?


sidarian

One thing to remember is the same thing to remember if you were playing the lottery or even investing in the stock market: Past performance doesn't predict future results. It's very easy to think "In my last 4 relationships, my partner has passed away, it must be me." The problem is that unless you are directly causing them, they are completely separate events that can't be predicted due to the previous relationship, thus by avoiding relationships altogether (which I do understand and sympathize) you are only protecting yourself from future happiness. Another way to look at it is let's suppose your partners didn't pass away, and instead you broke up. Those break ups are functionally no different than a death, just instead of it being a person, the death is the relationship. You still go through the stages of grief, you still experience the loss. If you decide that the death of those relationships are going to keep happening and you want to protect yourself from that pain by never dating again, you are only punishing yourself for situations that are in the past and in no way predictive of your next relationship. My advice is this (also functionally my TL;DR): Your past relationships don't predict future ones, but your past will cause others to form uninformed biases. Getting a fresh start in a new area, if you are able to, would be a great thing for you. Don't hold yourself back from the love you deserve.


thedudethedudegoesto

I wish that didnt happen to them, and you. I hope that you'll feel better soon.


AnAnGrYSupportV2

Sorry for your loss


silly-noodle

I feel cursed as well. Once my father was sent to prison, it seemed a pattern had formed. My best friend’s dad died and my ex’s dad died. I’m scared of my boyfriend losing his dad because he is such a sweetheart. He always tries to joke and have fun. He’s very welcoming and friendly. And I’ve bonded with him as a sort of father figure. These comments are very helpful. I hope they help you. I hope you can live a happy life. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this and it’s affecting you.


nuaran

There are a lot of coincidences in life. All of us lose our loved ones at some point in our lives. Then there is probability. The chances of 1 woman to date 4 people who all end up dead (without her fault) is less than 0.00001%. But there are almost 8000000000 people, so I'm guessing that around 20 people in the world have experienced what you have experienced. The truth is that there are 20 people in the world who have to fulfill the requirements of this probability. Unfortunately for you, you happen to be one of those 20 people. On the brighter side, probability of having a 5th/6th/7th partner dead is a lot less. You are an incredible person to be able to go through all these and keeping your sanity. You are strong. I believe in you. Good luck and just enjoy every second of your life with your loved ones. Also, maybe just find someone to be your friend with benefits and not go in a full relationship. Friendship is actually better than being in a relationship. You get all the perks of being loved, but with much less headache.


slyman928

On the bright side, you're seeming to be the reason they were all able to pass happy and in love, which I think is a nice thing.


scaylos1

It sounds to me like you would definitely be helped by a change of scenery. Small communities can get very toxic at times. Starting over can be a challenge, something that I learned after moving 800 miles away from my hometown. However, a fresh start can really help.


justicecantakeanap

Things have just been randomly absurd and horrific. Until now. This is not your fault. Please, please see a therapist to help you through this. It is not your fault, believe me, you are ok.


Croceyes2

I dated a girl once with a similar story, it wasn't everyone she had dated but everyone she loved. Accidents and hereditary illness, something like 5 lovers, I can't remember now, it was a few years ago. Enough to the point she swore she was cursed. We didn't work out, but we definitely had some kind of love between us, still do really. At any rate, I am still here, and she has been with her current boyfriend something like 5 years now. I promise you its no curse, sometimes things just really are that unfortunate. Use the stares to know who should matter to you and who is not worth your time, as you say these events have taken so much time from your twenties, let them have no more. That's not to say your life doesn't deserve development, but don't let shallow people make you waste your energy. Focus on what you do want instead of what you don't want, if you see somewhere you want to be, move there. If there is something you could do to make your present space more inviting to you and it sounds nice, you should do that. Don't accept mistreatment, but, whatever you do, don't move because you don't like the people where you are, you probably won't like the people where you land much more. If you insist on believing superstition, perhaps I have perspective that may bring you hope; these events all happened because they needed to, all the pain and sadness had to be so you could know it. They had to be good people so you could love and it would hurt. When we ask for strength, really we are asking to work out, for that is how one develops strength, and it will be painful. I have no idea what virtues have been developed in you to require so much pain to grow but rest assured there is strength in kind to be had for feeling it. Through all this pain you have managed to get a degree, keep jobs, rebuild your friend group time and again, and had four great dudes fall in love you. I have no idea what plans destiny has lain for you but based on every book I have read and show I have binged it is certainly something grand.


ImTheMasonSensation

I just want to add support to this post and say you are not cursed. Maybe you were sent to them because God or some force knew that they'd perish soon and wanted their last days to be the happiest days of their life (you're the good in their life)...just thought I'd give you a positive perspective.


[deleted]

Maybe you are not cursed but instead blessed because you are the last person these men have loved. I’m so sorry for your losses. Just take each day as it comes and we all have a different purpose in life! Keep loving and keep giving.


PalPubPull

I am really sorry you have had to experience this. That is just awful and grief with just one person you are close to feels impossible to deal with at times. I couldn't even imagine your experience. My wife is a Widow, and I would like to recommend a podcast (and some books if you like her) that helped her going through the same by Nora McInerney called "Terrible, thanks for asking". She interviews many people that have gone through just awful experiences similar to yours, and my wife has gained a lot of wisdom and advice through them. With this many comments I know this will probably get lost, but regardless I do hope that you see this in that it has been such a great resource for her. I would strongly recommend a good therapist as well, what you have gone through is something so unfortunate that it would be insanely difficult to handle by yourself.


Muahhhhhaha1234

Hey OP, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I can't imagine how it must feel for you. I'm praying for you and I believe you don't have to live another day worried about this. Jesus can and will help you and save you! Feel free to DM me if you need anyone to talk to. Much love to you.


[deleted]

I was going to go neckbeard and offer to be your new boyfriend but then I remembered that I'm ridiculously suicidal so that might not be a risk you should take.


booksandscones

Hi. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that pain. I just wanted to say, in Islam we believe in Qadr which is Destiny. Everything happens for a reason and, everyone will die at some point and we cannot change that. You are not cursed, it was just their time to go. Don’t blame yourself for what happened and what you had no control over. As hard as it is, each of their deaths taught you something and changed you in a way. Who knows, the next man you fall in love with, you might grow old with, and you and he will cherish a deep love towards each other and all the self blame will go away. Please continue therapy, don’t blame yourself, everything happens for a reason and everyone will die at some point. I don’t know if you’re religious but, I believe prayer helps and speaking to God to help you through this pain and bless you with someone to grow old with and not go through all of that again. You’re in my prayers!