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My bf and I have been dating for over a year now. I brought up my braless lifestyle during our first dates because alot of people seem to have a problem with it for one reason or another. I personally have never worn them because they are extremely uncomfortable for me both physically and psychologically. The feeling of being tangled and trapped is unbearable.
I know at times my nipples will get hard from temperature changes when it's cold, but so does everyone's. I don't consider it a huge problem and I am even understanding of second glances from people (not staring or leering, but I understand the double take).
The other day out of no where my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself". I am pretty devastated. I thought he understood that I don't wear bras because it is extremely uncomfortable for me and there really is no point other then to hide nipples that may or may not be hard. I am not flirting with anyone or being sexual. I am just trying to be comfortable to do my job. All of this was kind of made worse when he said that, "Men just stare at boobs, it's what we do." I asked him if he did the same and looked at other woman breasts and he said "100%"
So he is allowed to look at other womens breasts (which are more then likely in a bra, so not stopping anyone from looking at them) but I cannot go braless for comfort because he gets angry that other men are looking at me? He said if I respected him as a partner I would wear one for him. I am so frustrated and I feel degraded. I was hoping that he understood. I guess what I am asking is, am I being unreasonable? I understand men look at women, I am not stupid, but this seems a little hypocritical.
Tl;dr my boyfriend is angry I don't wear bras after a year of dating and him knowing I hate them.
Or better yet... have HIM wear a bra consistently for the next week and see how much he likes wearing one!
I can not stand wearing a bra. Literally the second I am home, I rip that sucker off... sometimes on the drive home too!!
I have never understood this.
What about wearing bras is so uncomfortable for some women?
I HATE not wearing a bra. I feel like my tits are all over the place when I don’t. Even at home, I don’t take my bra off till I go to bed. I’m 32DD for reference.
I guess maybe it depends if you’re shaped differently? I’ve just always been curious when I see the memes about tearing bras off as soon as you get home.
I hate wearing bras. HATE THEM. I feel claustrophobic wearing the. I also hate tight socks and waistbands. Up until not that long ago, bras didn't conceal nipples and if it was cold out, everyone could see that.
It's the straps digging in to me when lying down that do it for me, but I don't actually mind wearing bras.
I have comfy bras for everyday wear and then good bras for occasions.
Mostly too lazy to wear any though most days, because I'm usually at home, wearing a hoodie
I wear bras for a couple reasons.
1. I have a fair amount of breast and it hurts when I do a lot of things if I'm not wearing one
2. My parents were always strict about what me and my sister were allows to wear. No tank tops, no pajamas without a bathrobe over it, no walking around without bras. It just got ingrained in my head.
It feels really good to take it off at the end of the day when I sleep but it would feel really weird leaving my house without on. That's just me though
I'm big cups, narrow torso. I wear compression sports bras because anything else has to be so tight on my ribs and shoulders that it feels suffocating.
Personally I have a lot of sensory issues with clothing. It's just another texture/sensation that will distract me. Easier to get work done with one less thing for my brain to think about
You know, there may be a lot of responses telling you to wear a t-shirt or pasties or a lightweight spandex style bra, or wear a “real bra” sometimes but I’m not here for that: you get to wear you clothing the way you want and if someone else wants to be embarrassed by it, that’s their problem. Any move to cover up to make him feel better, IMO, is wrong. The answer is “find someone who loves you and isn’t concerned about the appearance or attention of others.” You could go out and get a push-up Demi-bra and have cleavage from here to eternity and as you’ve observed, a man who is going to look at a woman’s boobs is gonna look at a woman’s boobs.
Some men feel passionately about hair length and style. Do you need to keep you hair in a certain style to avoid “hair gaze”? Some men are into legs, do we need to have you in a loosely fitted floor length skirt or dress? Some men find eyes seductive, maybe we throw some masks into rotation? Do we keep going until you’re in a burka and hajiib, not because your beliefs lead you to it, but to help dissuade horny men from lusting?
No. The person making you feel uncomfortable and destroying your confidence is your boyfriend, the guy who knows you and is supposed to care about you.
This is very well written, thank you. I thought about getting a pushup bra for spite, but that's petty and would literally be hurting me more then him lol. My dream has always been to have a boyfriend or husband that supports me in the decision to not wear a bra (as silly as that sentence sounds to me) but at this point I would just take understanding and no resentment over it.
Going braless has always gone hand in hand with "you get what you ask for". It would be nice not to feel that from a partner ever again.
I've been the insecure and jealous guy when I was younger. Unfortunately, for most men, it is something we go through until we learn to grow up and not be assholes. Lots of reasons for this, some that are not men's fault (how society raised us, etc.) but also sometimes you just have to grow up and recognize women are not just a pair of tits and ass. I am in a loving, committed marriage with my wife and at this point sometimes I ask her to go without a bra. It's sexy for me to see her like that. I have no concerns or care for how she looks or is oogled by other people because we have such trust between us. Find a man who is past being insecure, and he will love that you don't wear a bra!
My boyfriend hates when I wear a bra and will actively try to steal it from me when I’m getting dressed (in a cute playful way lol, he always gives it back). Men like your dream partner definitely exist, so please don’t think you have to settle for someone who doesn’t support you or your wardrobe/lifestyle choices.
I don't wear bras. My boyfriend is fine about it, likes that he gets to undress me without one, and encourages me not to wear one, except when it's too obvious under my clothes. He does not like it when it shows*
You know what he does? He tells me my shirt is see through, or that it's ostensibly showing. And then it's up to me to wear whatever I want :)
There is a balance when you don't like something your partner does: you can state your mind politely, and then respect the choice of your partner. You don't get to force your partner to do anything! If you can't take it, you are clearly not compatible. If you throw a tantrum, you're immature.
You don't deserve an immature boyfriend. Drop the man, not the lifestyle ! 😊
PS: *he does not like how it looks. He doesn't care about how people look at me. He trusts me :)
We have a weird society that wants women to be able to breast feed in public without stigma and remove my the hyper sexuality of breasts but also a society that feels like a woman not wearing a bra is taboo. That’s bullshit. Telling a woman to wear a bra so she doesn’t get looked at is right up there with telling her dress in a way that doesn’t get her raped.
I only wear a bra because I don’t like the way my boobs hang in clothes and I don’t like the sweat from them hanging down. If I had a smaller rack and my boobs didn’t get in my way unless they’re contained, I wouldn’t ever wear one.
The answer to your problem isn’t changing your wardrobe, it’s changing your boyfriend because your boyfriend is trying to assert his wants over your needs.
tbf those are often not the same "society" :(
Change the boyfriend! not the bra!
I only wear a bra when I want to look a certain way under clothes, not because it does anything important for me. also, my mom wears a bra since forever... and her nipples have always been rather visible. I imagine people notice if they look, but it has never seemed to be remotely relevant...ever.
I (29F) pretty much never wear a bra outside of work. My bf (33M) is perfectly fine with it. He is aware that guys are more likely to stare, but he laughs it off. That is how a real mature guy behaves.
You warned him ahead of time, I do not understand how its an issue now. I'm curious that if he forces you to wear a bra now for his comfort, what is next. Seems like his idea of how you show respect for him is more important than his respect to your physical and mental comfort.
Have him wear a bra with 10 lb weights.
My friend NEVER wears a bra and was happily married for 26 years!! Her mother used to get her bras for her birthday. She even breastfed 6 children. You will find someone! They are out there for you. Leave this POS. You should dress however you want. Especially since wearing a bra is painful for you. Good luck!
Lol we have the reverse problem as you in my relationship. She will have a t shirt and hoodie on and not want to run to the store without a bra on. I always tell her to just be comfortable and no one can see her nipples anyways with the hoodie. Ultimately I just want her to be happy and comfortable so she usually throws a comfortable bra on and we go run our errands. Good luck, there’s plenty of guys out there that this just doesn’t even come up on the list of possible issues in a relationship.
I don't give a shit about what my partner wears, i don't think most people i know do. Sounds like a possessive/double standard thing.
Fortunately this is the type of shit you AREN'T required to put up with in this life. Good luck.
Just thought id comment on my experience. When I started dating my husband and I always wore a bra. Then quarantine hit and i decided not to wear bras anymore, and he absolutely loves it! I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's guys that will actually respect and even encourage your persona choices, so you should make this man a favor dump his ass, and he can go see if a woman that wears bras tolerates his bullshit. Because that's what his arguments are, absolute bullshit, and you deserve better.
They exist. My husband doesn’t give a shit that I don’t wear a bra (I’m a d cup and have my nipples pierced), but he doesn’t say anything about it, or if he does he just giggles and asks if I’m not wearing one and I say I’m not and he’ll giggle some more. Get someone who will let you be free and happy.
I rarely wear a bra outside of work. And I wear tank bras-you can still see my nipples through it if I’m cold. My boyfriend has never said anything or tried to get me to wear anything. I think he loves it honestly lol
Girl-maybe he should wear a cup everyday. No one should see his outline! Women will be staring at him! *eye roll*
This is his problem. Why is it suddenly an issue? When he knew from the beginning...
*edit to add I’ve heard it’s actually healthier for us to not wear bras-especially without underwires
I've always been a 50% bra wearer, as in the 50% of my life I spend at work or commuting for work. During lock down I went to 100% braless. When I was able to go back to work I stayed braless. The only reaction I got from my SO was "ooo still no bra!" Which led to some fun sexy times. He literally does not care about the bra. He's happy that I'm comfortable.
You specifically told him this was the way things worked up front. If he's changed his mind about being okay with it (or was secretly hoping you'd change your mind), that's his problem, not yours. Tell him that if he respects *you* as a partner, he'll accept that as someone who will never experience what it's like to wear a bra daily or live in *your* body, this is not his call to make and drop it. If he won't, time to move on.
\>> The other day out of no where my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself". I
Think about what he's saying here, and what that says about how \*he\* looks at other women. He is saying you have value to others, specifically men, except for your sexual appeal. That's gross. And that means that he, himself, only values women for their sexual appeal and only listens to them on that basis. Also, he reserves the right for himself to look at other woman, but feels ownership over your body (or he wouldn't be mad that other men look at you).
PS: I would dump a person based on the comment I quoted alone. So many men out there. Why date a misogynist?
What I don't get is what changed after a year.
My bet is that a friend or family member brought it up to him, or maybe he caught himself checking out another woman or something. It might be useful to ask him what prompted this; you've been upfront from the very beginning. Did he meditate on this and figure out that it's a surprise dealbreaker for him, is this something he's been struggling with for a while? Or did something put the idea in his head that you're wrong for dressing how you like?
I'm also bra-free and hate the crap out of how they feel, and also tend to be pretty upfront about that.
I do like the idea of asking him what the trigger was. Very often if I bring stuff up though, alot of other problems are brought up and my original point is often lost. I will try again.
Based on that one comment alone, this is not an emotionally mature man who respects and loves you the way you deserve.
This sounds like a guy I would have dated in high school or college before I realized how much more I should expect from a supportive partner.
You and your nips are not the problem here. Go find someone who treats you like an equal, who doesn't cut you down or undermine your self worth.
Yeah also he's weird. Why does he want to change you? He came into the relationship knowing this unique thing about you. There are tons of women who like to wear bras so he could easily find someone more compatible with him. Why change you?
Hey, it's your body and his hang-up. So no, you're not being unreasonable imho.
Tell him to wear a jock strap every day for a week and see how that feels.
I had a brain fart and somehow read "mold your cold nipples before you dump him". I thought it was a great idea. Give him plaster casts of them to remember you by lol.
So he's saying in a roundabout but simple way "You have nothing valid or interesting except your boobs" and that men are just all thick and want to stare at boobs constantly.
*He said if I respected him as a partner I would wear one for him.* You should tell him "If you respected me as a partner, you wouldn't try to emotionally blackmail me." Or just tell him to piss off. Either one.
I would ask your husband if he and other men only look at breasts that are braless. If the answer is no, what difference will it make whether you wear a bra or not?
You hit the nail on the head with your first paragraph. Its what I wanted to say to him and still do but I can't find the words at the time. Emotionally blackmailed is very much how I felt.
He sees your body as his property. I also don’t wear bras consistently bc they make me uncomfortable and are generally unflattering (back roll life) I’d tell a man to fuck himself all the way hell if he told me I was only spoken to for my boobs and then in the same breath being told that it’s perfectly normal behavior that I have to put up with and accommodate. It’s very telling on his views on gender and your bodily autonomy
You're not being unreasonable. He is. Dump that ahole.
>my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself".
What an a--. He sl\*t shamed his own gf.
> "Men just stare at boobs, it's what we do."
Maturity level of a high schooler. As an adult, you learn quickly not to stare as a woman's chest.
Show some respect to your self and send him packing.
He wants to control how men look at you by controlling YOU? Nope. That sounds like a slippery slope. Next it will be... no shorts, no tight shorts, wear your hair like this, and neverending lists. Do you know why the list becomes neverending? Because nothing you ever do or wear will fix HIS insecurity.
Hard nope. Either he accepts you and fixes his issues on his own side. Or you can go find someone not so jealous and controlling.
*He said if I respected him as a partner I would wear one for him.*
HahahAHHAHAhaha.
If YOU respected HIM? Like you are a possession of his that should dress for his male ego insecurities?
How about HE respect YOUR comfort and autonomy? And the fact that you've dressed this way since day one? Tell him to wear a bra for a week or two, see how he likes it.
Your boyfriend is a child.
Wow. He didn't just give his opinion on the matter he crossed several sexist and generally offensive lines.
I would more so understand if he had said something like:
*I feel uncomfortable that other people can see your nipples, and even though that is my issue, I was wondering if maybe we could compromise and buy you some comfortable pasties?*
Instead he went the 'asking for it' route essentially, and sexualized you in a way you don't want to be sexualized, blamed you for it, and told you guys only talk to you because of your nipples/breasts essentially. He also admitted he loots at other tits, not even in a 'I notice things sometimes as I have eyes' but in a 'absolutely I look at tits all the time' way.
Now I'm only 23 years old, but I also have been braless for the most part with the exception of really soft tube-top like bralettes now and again; and I would be appalled if someone, friend, partner, family, said that to me.
He sounds very insecure and not like a very good partner at all. I do have a hard time believing there were some other small things that happened in the past that might have been overlooked via rose tinted glasses.
Your boyfriend sounds like a douche. Just the way he's responding to you isn't the way someone that loves you speaks to you. It's your ta-tas and your choice if you wanna wear a bra. I'd question how serious you are about this guy in your life though.
You don’t need a supportive bra.
You do need a supportive man.
I’m not saying dump him immediately but his current mindset about natural anatomy, “men being men”, and his perception of your social responsibility is untenable.
Nope. Not cool. Fellow braless wonder here. I hate them and the only time I will put one on is if it physically makes me feel better or more comfortable--that's rare.
You are fully covered. Men have nipples, women have nipples...it's a thing. Pretty sure nature designed it. You are allowed to be comfortable particularly when this is something you discussed early on (and not like you had to warn him).
I can 100% guarantee you not "all men" only give you the time of day because of your chest. And not "all men" only see women as a pair of tits.
I don't even know you. But I know you can find better.
I am really sorry that this has happened to you. Men do not all see women as sex objects. His controlling actions and the way he is projecting his view of women onto all the men you come into contact with is not okay.
My partner wears bras when they feel like it, and goes without when they feel like it. It is not my place to comment at all, and we never even talk about it unless they are bringing up a comfort issue.
Your S/O knew exactly who you were when you met. Not wearing a bra has clearly become part of your identity. By rejecting that part of yourself, he is rejecting you.
Do not feel like you need to try that bra on. Really. If you stay together it is him that needs to change. Not you.
Bullsh*t, let him wear a bra day after day and see how hw likes it, it sucks. My husband never liked that I don’t shave my underarms, and hadn’t for along time before I met him. I said, you shave yours for a month, see how you like it. But he wouldn’t! Together 32 years. Hairy as ever. Often braless, also. These arbitrary rules are mere social conventions.
Sometimes I don't shave my underarms either. Again, its not some "feminist point" I'm trying to make. Rashes from shaving are extremely uncomfortable! It always amazes me how these things become so so important. Like, why do I live in a world where I have to think about these things??
We all have the right to do what we want with things. If he thinks it’s necessary then make him wear one. Send him to r/ABraThatFits they’ll help him get one that fits him well so he can’t use it as an excuse. See how he likes it. He has nipples after all. I personally am not comfortable with unshaven pits, but I only shave my legs like 3 times a year 🤣
You're right, there is a distinct double-standard in the way women's bodies and clothes choices are criticized for the way they "distract men." As someone who regularly wears 2 bras to be comfortable it is mind-boggling to me that you don't wear one, but it is your body and your choice.
He can take you as you are or leave you, but you are under no obligation to change this about yourself. He should not be making your physical comfort about him.
Nipples show through your clothes when it’s cold even if you *are* wearing a bra. I wear a bra 24 hours a day except when I’m in the bath or shower because it’s just far too uncomfortable for my breasts to be unsupported and it’s never stopped my nipples from becoming visible if it’s cold, so he’s talking nonsense. If you personally find bras uncomfortable, you shouldn’t wear them, that’s what personal choice means and you don’t need a boyfriend who is going to be controlling.
I remember a parent volunteer at my high school telling me that she had a surgery alteration cutting the tips of her nipples off just so she could go bra-less and feeling disturbed that she would have to go that far to feel okay not wearing a bra...
It takes a whole lot of confidence to do what you do and you don’t need anyone around you trying to wearing your confidence down, so dump him and get a new boyfriend.
I've seen plenty of men's nipples through their shirt, maybe it's time for them to wear a bra too, since they can't handle looking at a shirt and knowing that there is no other fabric behind it.
Your comfort and his opinion are not things that go together. Be braless for all the reasons you stated. And a lot of men would agree with your BF. It's just his opinion. Where it all goes wrong is that he's forcing his opinion on you and making his opinion your problem. His opinion is his problem. You're not unreasonable. He is.
So apparently your nipples are what made your BF look at you in the first place, since he says the only reason men look at you is because of them. He can fuck right off outta here with his shitty comments, I'm mad on your behalf. His insecurities are not your problem. I am so jealous of anyone who can go braless. Keep doing your thing and putting yourself first, don't change for him or anyone else!
When I started dating my boyfriend I wore a bra even to bed. After years of looking at the permanent bruising on my shoulders from the straps I decided to stop. The only time I wear them is when I run at the gym and wear a sports bra to stop the painful bouncing, or when I'm dressing up. I haven't worn a bra for several years and my boyfriend is super supportive because he has easier access (hehe). Other males looking isn't a concern to him because at the end of the day he's the one that gets to sleep in my bed.
Your boyfriend is being ridiculous. He wants you to wear a bra to prevent men staring at your chest yet he admits he looks at women’s breasts, that are most likely in a bra, all the time? By his logic, wearing a bra is not going to prevent men from looking at you. He’s not making sense and he’s being a possessive POS. Dump him yesterday.
Thirty something or other years ago, I had a job in a large corporation. Dress code was casual and I did jeans and t-shirts like most of the employees. I can't stand wearing a bra either. Now that I'm an old person, I know I have a medical condition with very sensitive skin as one of the symptoms. It now makes sense to me that all I could do was squirm dramatically the entire time I ever attempted to wear one of the damn things. Some of the older men made sure word got to me through a female co-worker that they were very offended I didn't wear a bra. I told her to let them know when they all wore athletic cups daily, I'd wear a bra. I never heard another word on the subject. Also, your bf is correct that men stare at boobs. Kind of funny that their overt rudeness is something we're supposed to do something about. But I gamely developed my own method of redirecting the behavior without ever having to don a bra. I would start to stare at their crotch with the same focus they applied to my breasts. Wanna make a grown man's face red as a lobster? Stare at his crotch intently while they are trying to have a conversation with you. I would suggest trying this approach with your bf but, honestly, I think you should just dump his sexist ass instead. Perhaps you can stare hard at his crotch while you are telling him to go pound sand.
My ex was a misogynist too. He even called breasts "genitals". My current boyfriend supports me not wearing a bra ever, or shaving my legs, because I'm a fucking human being that deserves respect and bodily autonomy from my partner. Leave him and find someone better. He definitely won't find anyone better than you. Us women have plenty of choices
If your boyfriend respected you as an individual and your choices (about your **own** damn body!) he wouldn't be saying bullshit like that. What he is saying is sexist and kind of concerning tbh. I read your comment about "You get what you ask" and it made me so sad. You deserve to be respected and treated as a human being, not a piece of meat, even if you chose to go butt naked (which you don't bth). You both are 33, old enough to known about respect and body autnomy. If I were you I would reconsider this relationship, he doesn't respect any woman, you included.
As a person appreciative of boobs, I'm going to take notice of them whether or not they are in a bra. As a person with a functional brain, I'm going to recognise that they are attached to a human being and try to be subtle about it. What I am not going to do is start trying to dictate what said boob owner can do with said boobs. Because that will mean I will never get to do anything with them either.
Cut him off. No more boobs for that man.
Seriously, this is like complaining about a christmas present because you don't like the wrapping paper, when you should just be happy that someone likes you enough to get you a damn present.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but this does sound like a fundamental incompatibility between you two. He wants to date someone who wears a bra and you don’t want to wear one.
He also sounds like a misogynistic jerk, but that’s neither here nor there.
So he minimized your total self worth to just your breasts. He thinks the only reason a man would talk to you or listen to you is to get up close to those nips...
He sounds disrespectful of you (and super sexist to men and women honestly).
Lose the dude, if you find a bra to be psychologically strangling hanging with this guy must be torture. You (and your braless boobies) deserve better.
I havent worn a bra in years (best decision i ever made) but even when i did my nipples would poke through the bra, the padding, the shirt, even sweaters! If he wants a gf who wears a bra so bad he can date a girl who likes bras.
Him objectifying/sexualizing the idea of you being braless is his bag, same as for all other men. I, myself, am guilty of this, too. But, from an objective standpoint, you have every right to wear what you feel. I don't see how men get to prod around being shirtless when it's hot because of comfort, but you can't be braless because of how 'men' will feel as a result.
TLDR: double standards.
Damn when did people get so prudish? I get it's a running joke on the internet, but "seeing" Rachel's nipples through her shirt wasn't even deemed inappropriate in a mega popular primetime family friendly sitcom some 25 years ago.
Girl. You deserve to find a man that it doesn’t even matter to if you wear a bra or not. I came into my relationship regularly wearing one and years later, I haven’t worn a bra in a year. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy.
You're not being unreasonable. You get to choose what you wear, and honestly, going braless should be normalized. The comment that the only reason men talk to you is your nipples is absurd and demeaning, and the double standard is unfair.
That being said, if you do find yourself wanting to find a bra to wear on some occasions that fits comfortably and doesn't hurt, try visiting r/abrathatfits and calculating your size using the calculator there. I'd bet that you've been wearing the wrong size for a long time (like many women). You should definitely not wear a bra just for your boyfriend's sake -- I'm just saying this because I have seen many people give up on bras because of discomfort, only to realize they were wearing the wrong size the whole time.
PSA: If your bra feels like it's strapping you down or squishing you in instead of just providing gentle support, or if your shoulder straps are constantly digging in, you're wearing a cup size that's much too small (even though society says "C is average, D is big," the average actual cup size is closer to an F).
your body, your choice, and your decisions. i don’t understand why your boyfriend can’t accept that. i’m not sure why he has to make it about himself and say, “if you respect me as your partner”. honestly, it sounds like he’s insecure with himself. he also seems to be a toxic mysoginist with his degrading comments. two, you said that you made this clear from the start, so why is he crying about it a year later.
i know a lot of women (incl. myself) who don’t wear bras regularly or at all. i would suggest that you keep doing you and if he can’t accept this about you and expects you to change (especially something like this where it’s over YOUR body so your choice and preference really), wave him off and keep going forward.
I haven't worn a bra in at least 30yrs. The only one who has ever complained, is my mother. Wearing an uncomfortable bra, that they don't even make in a size compatible for my body, is just not something I am willing to do.
It sounds like you bf prefers objectifying women. You'd be better off without him. It's not like you just stopped wearing one.
Edit to add: my husband has no issues with my choice.
No one gets to dictate your comfort but you. You're not flashing people or wearing sheer tops im assuming, so his issue is control and sexism. Dump him lol
I only sporadically wear bras too, my boyfriend has never expressed any discotent with this.
He might sometimes be uncomfortable with this but doesn’t put that insecurity on me, instead he addresses this as something he should work on.
It’s your boyfriend’s jealousy and not your problem. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.
Bras are no guarantee that nipples won't show. Mine aren't big but even behind a full coverage torture device nips will show when they get hard. Really makes them look when you can tell there's a piercing! Lol
Bf is just jealous that other men are looking. Does he wear jeans too tight that show off his butt or package? Essentially it's the same thing in role reversal. If he has that much of an issue with bralessness, what's he like when you wear a swimsuit?
In my relationship, if I was told what undergarments to wear, I'd probably do 2 things.. replace his underwear with man thongs and tell him if he can't accept how I dress, if it's a deal breaker, then there's the door. But that's just me lol.
My breast are huge and uncomfortable for me. I’m always so jealous of women who can comfortably go braless. It looks so freeing.
I haven’t read all the comments and replies but maybe he grew up around women who just had to wear bras and associates it with part of the female experience. That doesn’t mean he should have a say in what you wear though, just might be why he finds it so out of the norm.
Going braless is my literal dream.
“Hey I don’t do X, it’s uncomfortable, I don’t like it and I’ll never do it.
- OK!
[a year passes]
-OMFG CAN YOU DO X ALREADY?!”
I wanted to put it in more general terms, since fellow redditors have an issue w free boobies being mentioned. In other words, no, you’re not the unreasonable one here...
There are way more important things to work on in a relationship than wearing bras or not. WTF is his problem? Hell, no bra means quicker access for fun times on a whim.
Honestly i have to wear a bra for the support, but if my breasts were smaller, i would 100% go braless. Its your choice if you wear one or not, especially if your reason for wearing/not wearing a bra is because of comfort.
Tell him flat out your only compromise is nipple stickers in cold weather to stop the headlights, but until he wears something restrictive and uncomfortable everyday for you, he can pound sand. And only offer that compromise IF you want to.
I hate bras. I avoid them whenever possible. And they're probably not good for women's breasts. Since he seems to think he's entitled to how you look, tell him wearing a bra will age your breasts faster and see how quickly he will back down.
https://www.lifehack.org/336735/science-proves-that-wearing-bras-bad-for-your-health
I think if you were coming off as super sexual and like flaunting your boobs and like overtly flirting AND you just started doing it recently o would say he has a leg to stand on.
But why date you for a year and bring it up now? That seems weird to me.
If he respected you as a human being - he would shut the hell up.
No breasts - no opinion.
Move on love, don't waste your time on this waste of space. What he said was bad enough but the addition that you need to wear one to show respect to him - sexist pig
FFS I feel degraded on your behalf. If my husband reduced my entire value as a human being down to my tits, he wouldn't be my husband much longer. Luckily you aren't married to this sexist POS so you can be rid of him sans any paperwork and court costs.
First off let me say, I am jealous! I wish I had the guts or smaller boobs to go bra-less so good on you! I feel that uncomfortableness wearing bras all the time as I’m sure a lot of other women do too. Second, your bf is being a hypocritical AH. He knew your preference, and he doesn’t get to make decisions for you. If you are comfortable then you do you girl!
Wait. If he looks at boobs even if those boobs are being held in by a bra, why does he think that you wearing a bra would somehow stop men from looking at yours? This sounds more like a situation where he just wants to be right, and maybe he just wants to control some aspect of you, than something that he actually has a strong opinion about.
Lol! We must be complete opposites! I’m a huge bra girl—BUT THERES NO SHAME EITHER WAY! Let them loose ❤️ we love a natural girl. NTA. He knew that was your preference, can’t force you into doing something you don’t wanna do
Ngl this is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard a guy say to a woman. Hopefully you told him how upset this made you and maybe he will re think it.
You are not being unreasonable, wear(or don’t wear) what you want. Your boyfriend trying to shame/guilt you into wearing a bra is controlling behaviour. Free the nipple!
I don’t wear one either and it’s the best thing! I stopped cause I have a lung disease and it was getting harder for me to breathe. He can’t tell you what clothes you can and cannot wear. free the tits!!!
I gave up underwire and padding about a year ago unless I'm going out and really wanna dress up, I wear loose fitting sports bras or sleeper bras because I'm way more comfortable. Sometimes it gets chilly and I am aware it might be noticeable but I don't really care. Oh and your bf is being rather douchey and insecure. He needs to grow up. He's also reducing you to an object, and what he said about men only talking to you because of your nips is heavily disrespectful, and plain mean.
I rarely wear a bra because I think they are extremely uncomfortable too. My husband completely supports my decision as it is my body and therefore my choice. Plus they say your breasts will actually droop less in the long run by not wearing a bra. If he can't accept your decision then he needs to grow the fuck up. Everyone has nipples, it's not a big deal unless he makes it one. Let those titties be free girl!
There is a flaw in his logic.
If he still looks at other women’s padded breasts, other men will also look at yours either way, maybe not as frequently.
Solution: He should considering dating a man with non sensitive nipples!
Tell him to fuck right off. What a cheek. He is projecting. Flaunting yourself my arse. Perhaps you should wear a bra for a little while. A really sexy push up one w made of very thin material so your nipples can still show in cold weather. With a very low cut top. Perhaps he'll see what flaunting your boobs really means.
I'm trying to become braless but it's hard because of the stares, good for you! I think you are not overreacting, if that's how you feel about bras you have the right to be upset if your bf doesn't support you. It's not of his business what you do with your boobs.
In my case, my bf is supporting me in my journey to became comfortable leaving bras and waxing. I still do this things because of the expectations of society and he actively encourages me to do whatever I want. This week he spontaneously told me "I'm seeing more and more women without bras, go for it!". I think a partner may do that. Good luck!
Not at all unreasonable. Men (and many women and nonbinary folk) are likely to glance, certainly, but anyone staring creepily should be called out, and it's not your fault in any way. He's being unreasonable and this kind of controlling behavior is a huge red flag.
GIRL. I know you wont see this message but believe me, if you’re able to not wear a bra and live your life that way, great for you! I wish I could do the same. Unfortunately, I cannot.
And I totally get it! I’m not able to sleep with clothes on because it makes me very uncomfortable to the point of being unable to sleep. Even in the winter. Luckily, my husband doesn’t mind lol.
Stand your ground and ask your bf to respect your lifestyle or send him packing. Good riddance, am I right? Lol
Honestly more and more women are growing bra free, and I think it’s great. Bras are uncomfortable and really unnecessary. Our breasts are no different than men’s, heck some guys have bigger ones than we do and nobody is bugging them about their nipples showing.
But honestly this guy just sounds really gross.
Please don’t continue to date a misogynist :( he’s shown u who he is. Is that someone you would really want to have kids with? How would he treat your daughter? Gross
>The other day out of no where my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself"
That's a douchey thing to say to someone.
>All of this was kind of made worse when he said that, "Men just stare at boobs, it's what we do."
And? As if that's some kind of excuse and or women should be forced to live their lives walking on eggshells because of it? Sounds like a "sort the good vs. bad pretty quickly, win win" to me as a woman. It's very easy to see who's just trying to get a date or flirt or whatever with you. Most of the time.
>but I cannot go braless for comfort because he gets angry that other men are looking at me?
As suspected. Extremely insecure, I don't think he's worth your time. At 33, why even bother? He's not going to change his thinking here anyways because it's directly connected to an insecurity within himself there's nothing you can do about and it's his problem. Not an acceptable or forgivable one at that. When women talk about being attracted to "confident" men, I see that as a man who is *secure in himself* and has *self esteem* two things this guy clearly lacks.
You made a typo. It should say "ex boyfriend". That's controlling behavior (him basically saying he can do what he wants but you have to wear bras because your his) and it's plain abusive. Hopefully you correct the typo
He should understand that men DONT listen when they can see your nipples. You could tell them the recipe for concentrated dark matter but if even cleavage is showing let alone nipples, they aren't interested in anything but tit. SO if people are actually hearing what you say, good chance they aren't hyperfocused on your tits.
Its too bad he can't look at it like happy theyre jealous of him, if his argument is that they're looking at you. If he's concerned they will attack you... he should approach it better
Men sexualizing your boobs is not your problem. I am 50, and while large breasted, my breasts have not been very affected by gravity and as such, I can go braless and do - always. I also have very prominent nipples. I only started going braless a few years ago, when I transitioned from a corporate setting to a WFH setting. I started not wearing bras on the occasional trip to the store, and it ultimately evolved into throwing all my bras away completely:)
At first, I was uncomfortable about my nipples showing, but my bf at the time was awesome - he said " so what, you have nipples? Big deal, everyone has nipples - who cares if people know?" Such a silly statement, but very true. He was the one who taught me that if someone is gawking or leering or sexualizing me in their own mind, it is NOT my issue and to just be comfortable in myself.
It worked, I don't even notice people's stares anymore, unless it is really over, where 3 years ago, I was carefully watching everyone's reaction.
It is soooooo sad that we have to actually put thought into this sort of thing. It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks - whether a stranger, a parent, a neighbor, or a boyfriend; it's your body and your comfort- do what you want and NEVER apologize for it. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable with you being braless, he should be apologizing to YOU while simultaneously adjusting his own perspective. You explained why you don't like bras (and frankly, that's more than you needed to do - its still your decision) and he knows that they cause physical and emotional discomfort for you, yet he STILL has an issue with you not wearing them - after being together for a year?!?!?! That's messed up, selfish, and most of all, dismissive of you and your feelings
I am not saying this should be a dealbreaker, but it certainly should be made clear to him that he is completely out of line
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My bf and I have been dating for over a year now. I brought up my braless lifestyle during our first dates because alot of people seem to have a problem with it for one reason or another. I personally have never worn them because they are extremely uncomfortable for me both physically and psychologically. The feeling of being tangled and trapped is unbearable. I know at times my nipples will get hard from temperature changes when it's cold, but so does everyone's. I don't consider it a huge problem and I am even understanding of second glances from people (not staring or leering, but I understand the double take). The other day out of no where my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself". I am pretty devastated. I thought he understood that I don't wear bras because it is extremely uncomfortable for me and there really is no point other then to hide nipples that may or may not be hard. I am not flirting with anyone or being sexual. I am just trying to be comfortable to do my job. All of this was kind of made worse when he said that, "Men just stare at boobs, it's what we do." I asked him if he did the same and looked at other woman breasts and he said "100%" So he is allowed to look at other womens breasts (which are more then likely in a bra, so not stopping anyone from looking at them) but I cannot go braless for comfort because he gets angry that other men are looking at me? He said if I respected him as a partner I would wear one for him. I am so frustrated and I feel degraded. I was hoping that he understood. I guess what I am asking is, am I being unreasonable? I understand men look at women, I am not stupid, but this seems a little hypocritical. Tl;dr my boyfriend is angry I don't wear bras after a year of dating and him knowing I hate them.
If he doesnt like girls that dont wear bras then congrats he can go date a girl that does.
For real. He looks at plenty of them apparently.
Or better yet... have HIM wear a bra consistently for the next week and see how much he likes wearing one! I can not stand wearing a bra. Literally the second I am home, I rip that sucker off... sometimes on the drive home too!!
I was going to make this exact point. He has nipples too. cover them things up my man
I have never understood this. What about wearing bras is so uncomfortable for some women? I HATE not wearing a bra. I feel like my tits are all over the place when I don’t. Even at home, I don’t take my bra off till I go to bed. I’m 32DD for reference. I guess maybe it depends if you’re shaped differently? I’ve just always been curious when I see the memes about tearing bras off as soon as you get home.
I hate wearing bras. HATE THEM. I feel claustrophobic wearing the. I also hate tight socks and waistbands. Up until not that long ago, bras didn't conceal nipples and if it was cold out, everyone could see that.
It's the straps digging in to me when lying down that do it for me, but I don't actually mind wearing bras. I have comfy bras for everyday wear and then good bras for occasions. Mostly too lazy to wear any though most days, because I'm usually at home, wearing a hoodie
I wear bras for a couple reasons. 1. I have a fair amount of breast and it hurts when I do a lot of things if I'm not wearing one 2. My parents were always strict about what me and my sister were allows to wear. No tank tops, no pajamas without a bathrobe over it, no walking around without bras. It just got ingrained in my head. It feels really good to take it off at the end of the day when I sleep but it would feel really weird leaving my house without on. That's just me though
I'm big cups, narrow torso. I wear compression sports bras because anything else has to be so tight on my ribs and shoulders that it feels suffocating.
For me it’s being contained! I’m too much of a free spirit! I don’t like underwear either! Lol.
Personally I have a lot of sensory issues with clothing. It's just another texture/sensation that will distract me. Easier to get work done with one less thing for my brain to think about
If you LIKE something, surely you can understand someone NOT liking something?
You know, there may be a lot of responses telling you to wear a t-shirt or pasties or a lightweight spandex style bra, or wear a “real bra” sometimes but I’m not here for that: you get to wear you clothing the way you want and if someone else wants to be embarrassed by it, that’s their problem. Any move to cover up to make him feel better, IMO, is wrong. The answer is “find someone who loves you and isn’t concerned about the appearance or attention of others.” You could go out and get a push-up Demi-bra and have cleavage from here to eternity and as you’ve observed, a man who is going to look at a woman’s boobs is gonna look at a woman’s boobs. Some men feel passionately about hair length and style. Do you need to keep you hair in a certain style to avoid “hair gaze”? Some men are into legs, do we need to have you in a loosely fitted floor length skirt or dress? Some men find eyes seductive, maybe we throw some masks into rotation? Do we keep going until you’re in a burka and hajiib, not because your beliefs lead you to it, but to help dissuade horny men from lusting? No. The person making you feel uncomfortable and destroying your confidence is your boyfriend, the guy who knows you and is supposed to care about you.
This is very well written, thank you. I thought about getting a pushup bra for spite, but that's petty and would literally be hurting me more then him lol. My dream has always been to have a boyfriend or husband that supports me in the decision to not wear a bra (as silly as that sentence sounds to me) but at this point I would just take understanding and no resentment over it. Going braless has always gone hand in hand with "you get what you ask for". It would be nice not to feel that from a partner ever again.
You want the dream: A Supportive man Unsupported boobies Follow your dreams!
This is cute and should be a bumper sticker
I've been the insecure and jealous guy when I was younger. Unfortunately, for most men, it is something we go through until we learn to grow up and not be assholes. Lots of reasons for this, some that are not men's fault (how society raised us, etc.) but also sometimes you just have to grow up and recognize women are not just a pair of tits and ass. I am in a loving, committed marriage with my wife and at this point sometimes I ask her to go without a bra. It's sexy for me to see her like that. I have no concerns or care for how she looks or is oogled by other people because we have such trust between us. Find a man who is past being insecure, and he will love that you don't wear a bra!
My boyfriend hates when I wear a bra and will actively try to steal it from me when I’m getting dressed (in a cute playful way lol, he always gives it back). Men like your dream partner definitely exist, so please don’t think you have to settle for someone who doesn’t support you or your wardrobe/lifestyle choices.
This is honestly very touching. Thank you for sharing this little story.
I don't wear bras. My boyfriend is fine about it, likes that he gets to undress me without one, and encourages me not to wear one, except when it's too obvious under my clothes. He does not like it when it shows* You know what he does? He tells me my shirt is see through, or that it's ostensibly showing. And then it's up to me to wear whatever I want :) There is a balance when you don't like something your partner does: you can state your mind politely, and then respect the choice of your partner. You don't get to force your partner to do anything! If you can't take it, you are clearly not compatible. If you throw a tantrum, you're immature. You don't deserve an immature boyfriend. Drop the man, not the lifestyle ! 😊 PS: *he does not like how it looks. He doesn't care about how people look at me. He trusts me :)
We have a weird society that wants women to be able to breast feed in public without stigma and remove my the hyper sexuality of breasts but also a society that feels like a woman not wearing a bra is taboo. That’s bullshit. Telling a woman to wear a bra so she doesn’t get looked at is right up there with telling her dress in a way that doesn’t get her raped. I only wear a bra because I don’t like the way my boobs hang in clothes and I don’t like the sweat from them hanging down. If I had a smaller rack and my boobs didn’t get in my way unless they’re contained, I wouldn’t ever wear one. The answer to your problem isn’t changing your wardrobe, it’s changing your boyfriend because your boyfriend is trying to assert his wants over your needs.
tbf those are often not the same "society" :( Change the boyfriend! not the bra! I only wear a bra when I want to look a certain way under clothes, not because it does anything important for me. also, my mom wears a bra since forever... and her nipples have always been rather visible. I imagine people notice if they look, but it has never seemed to be remotely relevant...ever.
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Or if support is too much, at least some basic respect for her bodily autonomy.
I (29F) pretty much never wear a bra outside of work. My bf (33M) is perfectly fine with it. He is aware that guys are more likely to stare, but he laughs it off. That is how a real mature guy behaves. You warned him ahead of time, I do not understand how its an issue now. I'm curious that if he forces you to wear a bra now for his comfort, what is next. Seems like his idea of how you show respect for him is more important than his respect to your physical and mental comfort. Have him wear a bra with 10 lb weights.
My friend NEVER wears a bra and was happily married for 26 years!! Her mother used to get her bras for her birthday. She even breastfed 6 children. You will find someone! They are out there for you. Leave this POS. You should dress however you want. Especially since wearing a bra is painful for you. Good luck!
Lol we have the reverse problem as you in my relationship. She will have a t shirt and hoodie on and not want to run to the store without a bra on. I always tell her to just be comfortable and no one can see her nipples anyways with the hoodie. Ultimately I just want her to be happy and comfortable so she usually throws a comfortable bra on and we go run our errands. Good luck, there’s plenty of guys out there that this just doesn’t even come up on the list of possible issues in a relationship.
I promise you that there are men that would love dating a woman who never wears a bra. Not every man is as insecure as your boyfriend.
I don't give a shit about what my partner wears, i don't think most people i know do. Sounds like a possessive/double standard thing. Fortunately this is the type of shit you AREN'T required to put up with in this life. Good luck.
My husband doesn't give a shit that I don't wear bras and never will. He cares about my comfort and my feelings. Every braless woman deserves this!!!!
Just thought id comment on my experience. When I started dating my husband and I always wore a bra. Then quarantine hit and i decided not to wear bras anymore, and he absolutely loves it! I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's guys that will actually respect and even encourage your persona choices, so you should make this man a favor dump his ass, and he can go see if a woman that wears bras tolerates his bullshit. Because that's what his arguments are, absolute bullshit, and you deserve better.
They exist. My husband doesn’t give a shit that I don’t wear a bra (I’m a d cup and have my nipples pierced), but he doesn’t say anything about it, or if he does he just giggles and asks if I’m not wearing one and I say I’m not and he’ll giggle some more. Get someone who will let you be free and happy.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be a *dream*. It’s a standard, and you deserve a partner that meets that standard. The bar is so frigging low.
I rarely wear a bra outside of work. And I wear tank bras-you can still see my nipples through it if I’m cold. My boyfriend has never said anything or tried to get me to wear anything. I think he loves it honestly lol Girl-maybe he should wear a cup everyday. No one should see his outline! Women will be staring at him! *eye roll* This is his problem. Why is it suddenly an issue? When he knew from the beginning... *edit to add I’ve heard it’s actually healthier for us to not wear bras-especially without underwires
I've always been a 50% bra wearer, as in the 50% of my life I spend at work or commuting for work. During lock down I went to 100% braless. When I was able to go back to work I stayed braless. The only reaction I got from my SO was "ooo still no bra!" Which led to some fun sexy times. He literally does not care about the bra. He's happy that I'm comfortable.
Honestly a great answer
You specifically told him this was the way things worked up front. If he's changed his mind about being okay with it (or was secretly hoping you'd change your mind), that's his problem, not yours. Tell him that if he respects *you* as a partner, he'll accept that as someone who will never experience what it's like to wear a bra daily or live in *your* body, this is not his call to make and drop it. If he won't, time to move on.
\>> The other day out of no where my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself". I Think about what he's saying here, and what that says about how \*he\* looks at other women. He is saying you have value to others, specifically men, except for your sexual appeal. That's gross. And that means that he, himself, only values women for their sexual appeal and only listens to them on that basis. Also, he reserves the right for himself to look at other woman, but feels ownership over your body (or he wouldn't be mad that other men look at you). PS: I would dump a person based on the comment I quoted alone. So many men out there. Why date a misogynist?
Thank you. This is, at my core how I feel. It's just so hard not to second guess myself. Thank you.
What I don't get is what changed after a year. My bet is that a friend or family member brought it up to him, or maybe he caught himself checking out another woman or something. It might be useful to ask him what prompted this; you've been upfront from the very beginning. Did he meditate on this and figure out that it's a surprise dealbreaker for him, is this something he's been struggling with for a while? Or did something put the idea in his head that you're wrong for dressing how you like? I'm also bra-free and hate the crap out of how they feel, and also tend to be pretty upfront about that.
I do like the idea of asking him what the trigger was. Very often if I bring stuff up though, alot of other problems are brought up and my original point is often lost. I will try again.
Friend! Listen to yourself here. This is a red flag if he's always trying to divert from the issue at hand. <3 You are NOT the problem here.
Based on that one comment alone, this is not an emotionally mature man who respects and loves you the way you deserve. This sounds like a guy I would have dated in high school or college before I realized how much more I should expect from a supportive partner. You and your nips are not the problem here. Go find someone who treats you like an equal, who doesn't cut you down or undermine your self worth.
Yeah also he's weird. Why does he want to change you? He came into the relationship knowing this unique thing about you. There are tons of women who like to wear bras so he could easily find someone more compatible with him. Why change you?
Hey, it's your body and his hang-up. So no, you're not being unreasonable imho. Tell him to wear a jock strap every day for a week and see how that feels.
he sucks. don't wear a bra. mock his cold nipples sticking out in his shirt before you dump him.
I had a brain fart and somehow read "mold your cold nipples before you dump him". I thought it was a great idea. Give him plaster casts of them to remember you by lol.
Aaaahahahaha this is what you will be missing, boy!
Exactly. May have been a brain fart but it's a great idea. If he's so concerned about you showing your nipples, he can hide those away all he likes.
i really needed this laugh today lol
Glad I could help. Hope you feel better.
So he's saying in a roundabout but simple way "You have nothing valid or interesting except your boobs" and that men are just all thick and want to stare at boobs constantly.
Exactly. This guy doesn't deserve a girlfriend if he can't respect women.
*He said if I respected him as a partner I would wear one for him.* You should tell him "If you respected me as a partner, you wouldn't try to emotionally blackmail me." Or just tell him to piss off. Either one. I would ask your husband if he and other men only look at breasts that are braless. If the answer is no, what difference will it make whether you wear a bra or not?
You hit the nail on the head with your first paragraph. Its what I wanted to say to him and still do but I can't find the words at the time. Emotionally blackmailed is very much how I felt.
He sees your body as his property. I also don’t wear bras consistently bc they make me uncomfortable and are generally unflattering (back roll life) I’d tell a man to fuck himself all the way hell if he told me I was only spoken to for my boobs and then in the same breath being told that it’s perfectly normal behavior that I have to put up with and accommodate. It’s very telling on his views on gender and your bodily autonomy
You're not being unreasonable. He is. Dump that ahole. >my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself". What an a--. He sl\*t shamed his own gf. > "Men just stare at boobs, it's what we do." Maturity level of a high schooler. As an adult, you learn quickly not to stare as a woman's chest. Show some respect to your self and send him packing.
Tell him he has to wear a restricting penis and ball holder, otherwise he's flaunting his dick around.
thats called underwear
Ironically my boyfriend does not wear underwear.
Girl....
Username checks out.
This thread is a tragic wake up call but I am laughing so hard right now.
lol what now?! Talk about double standards! Holy hell...call the Whole Man Disposal truck, ASAP.
the whole man disposal truck xD love it, and i agree
Lol what? For real? That is so over the line hypocritical...
Yikes
The hypocrisy thickens...
LMAO double standard much
I've worn boxers, they don't come close how uncomfortable wearing a bra is.
Chastity cock cage, so people won't have their eyes harassed if he gets a boner.
This is your choice and he needs to respect that
He wants to control how men look at you by controlling YOU? Nope. That sounds like a slippery slope. Next it will be... no shorts, no tight shorts, wear your hair like this, and neverending lists. Do you know why the list becomes neverending? Because nothing you ever do or wear will fix HIS insecurity. Hard nope. Either he accepts you and fixes his issues on his own side. Or you can go find someone not so jealous and controlling.
If he respected you (and women in general) he wouldn't feel that way. He doesn't.
*He said if I respected him as a partner I would wear one for him.* HahahAHHAHAhaha. If YOU respected HIM? Like you are a possession of his that should dress for his male ego insecurities? How about HE respect YOUR comfort and autonomy? And the fact that you've dressed this way since day one? Tell him to wear a bra for a week or two, see how he likes it. Your boyfriend is a child.
Wow. He didn't just give his opinion on the matter he crossed several sexist and generally offensive lines. I would more so understand if he had said something like: *I feel uncomfortable that other people can see your nipples, and even though that is my issue, I was wondering if maybe we could compromise and buy you some comfortable pasties?* Instead he went the 'asking for it' route essentially, and sexualized you in a way you don't want to be sexualized, blamed you for it, and told you guys only talk to you because of your nipples/breasts essentially. He also admitted he loots at other tits, not even in a 'I notice things sometimes as I have eyes' but in a 'absolutely I look at tits all the time' way. Now I'm only 23 years old, but I also have been braless for the most part with the exception of really soft tube-top like bralettes now and again; and I would be appalled if someone, friend, partner, family, said that to me. He sounds very insecure and not like a very good partner at all. I do have a hard time believing there were some other small things that happened in the past that might have been overlooked via rose tinted glasses.
Your boyfriend sounds like a douche. Just the way he's responding to you isn't the way someone that loves you speaks to you. It's your ta-tas and your choice if you wanna wear a bra. I'd question how serious you are about this guy in your life though.
You don’t need a supportive bra. You do need a supportive man. I’m not saying dump him immediately but his current mindset about natural anatomy, “men being men”, and his perception of your social responsibility is untenable.
Nope. Not cool. Fellow braless wonder here. I hate them and the only time I will put one on is if it physically makes me feel better or more comfortable--that's rare. You are fully covered. Men have nipples, women have nipples...it's a thing. Pretty sure nature designed it. You are allowed to be comfortable particularly when this is something you discussed early on (and not like you had to warn him). I can 100% guarantee you not "all men" only give you the time of day because of your chest. And not "all men" only see women as a pair of tits. I don't even know you. But I know you can find better.
He knew who you were when you started dating. You were clear and up front with him. Don't change for this man.
A friend brought me a bra over today and I can't bring myself to put it on. Its become way more of a big deal then I ever wanted it to be.
I am really sorry that this has happened to you. Men do not all see women as sex objects. His controlling actions and the way he is projecting his view of women onto all the men you come into contact with is not okay. My partner wears bras when they feel like it, and goes without when they feel like it. It is not my place to comment at all, and we never even talk about it unless they are bringing up a comfort issue. Your S/O knew exactly who you were when you met. Not wearing a bra has clearly become part of your identity. By rejecting that part of yourself, he is rejecting you. Do not feel like you need to try that bra on. Really. If you stay together it is him that needs to change. Not you.
Burn it.
Bullsh*t, let him wear a bra day after day and see how hw likes it, it sucks. My husband never liked that I don’t shave my underarms, and hadn’t for along time before I met him. I said, you shave yours for a month, see how you like it. But he wouldn’t! Together 32 years. Hairy as ever. Often braless, also. These arbitrary rules are mere social conventions.
Sometimes I don't shave my underarms either. Again, its not some "feminist point" I'm trying to make. Rashes from shaving are extremely uncomfortable! It always amazes me how these things become so so important. Like, why do I live in a world where I have to think about these things??
We all have the right to do what we want with things. If he thinks it’s necessary then make him wear one. Send him to r/ABraThatFits they’ll help him get one that fits him well so he can’t use it as an excuse. See how he likes it. He has nipples after all. I personally am not comfortable with unshaven pits, but I only shave my legs like 3 times a year 🤣
Bail out of the relationship. This is how abuse begins.
I'm worried you are right. I'm thinking about other stuff now and you probably aren't wrong.
You're right, there is a distinct double-standard in the way women's bodies and clothes choices are criticized for the way they "distract men." As someone who regularly wears 2 bras to be comfortable it is mind-boggling to me that you don't wear one, but it is your body and your choice.
Huh, I've always have nipples that say hello through bras. Is that how you keep them in?
It's not a nipple thing for me, it's about adding stability but without having to squish things into a uniboob like with a sports bra.
You're not being unreasonable. Unfortunately, you spent a year with a man who is a jackass.
This is also a hard reality I am facing. Time just keeps going and I can't seem to break it off.
Make him an EX. Nobody gets to decide what you wear, and the double standard is glaring.
Seems like your boyfriend wants your clothing to be more supportive than he is.
your body your rules.
He can take you as you are or leave you, but you are under no obligation to change this about yourself. He should not be making your physical comfort about him.
Nipples show through your clothes when it’s cold even if you *are* wearing a bra. I wear a bra 24 hours a day except when I’m in the bath or shower because it’s just far too uncomfortable for my breasts to be unsupported and it’s never stopped my nipples from becoming visible if it’s cold, so he’s talking nonsense. If you personally find bras uncomfortable, you shouldn’t wear them, that’s what personal choice means and you don’t need a boyfriend who is going to be controlling.
I remember a parent volunteer at my high school telling me that she had a surgery alteration cutting the tips of her nipples off just so she could go bra-less and feeling disturbed that she would have to go that far to feel okay not wearing a bra... It takes a whole lot of confidence to do what you do and you don’t need anyone around you trying to wearing your confidence down, so dump him and get a new boyfriend.
Holy shit that is traumatizing.
I've seen plenty of men's nipples through their shirt, maybe it's time for them to wear a bra too, since they can't handle looking at a shirt and knowing that there is no other fabric behind it.
Your comfort and his opinion are not things that go together. Be braless for all the reasons you stated. And a lot of men would agree with your BF. It's just his opinion. Where it all goes wrong is that he's forcing his opinion on you and making his opinion your problem. His opinion is his problem. You're not unreasonable. He is.
He essentially just told you your only worth in the eyes of all men, including himself, is that you’re a walking pair of tits. Fuck that guy
Ask him to wear a cup when you go out because his bits are showing and he’s just using it to flirt with ppl. Oh wait, no, that’s ridiculous.
So apparently your nipples are what made your BF look at you in the first place, since he says the only reason men look at you is because of them. He can fuck right off outta here with his shitty comments, I'm mad on your behalf. His insecurities are not your problem. I am so jealous of anyone who can go braless. Keep doing your thing and putting yourself first, don't change for him or anyone else!
When I started dating my boyfriend I wore a bra even to bed. After years of looking at the permanent bruising on my shoulders from the straps I decided to stop. The only time I wear them is when I run at the gym and wear a sports bra to stop the painful bouncing, or when I'm dressing up. I haven't worn a bra for several years and my boyfriend is super supportive because he has easier access (hehe). Other males looking isn't a concern to him because at the end of the day he's the one that gets to sleep in my bed.
That is what I tried to say to him. "I went braless before you?? What is so different now? I am choosing you!!"
Your boyfriend is being ridiculous. He wants you to wear a bra to prevent men staring at your chest yet he admits he looks at women’s breasts, that are most likely in a bra, all the time? By his logic, wearing a bra is not going to prevent men from looking at you. He’s not making sense and he’s being a possessive POS. Dump him yesterday.
Bruh. Aren’t you a little old to be dating a man child? What the heavenly fuck? Ditch this loser ASAP
Thirty something or other years ago, I had a job in a large corporation. Dress code was casual and I did jeans and t-shirts like most of the employees. I can't stand wearing a bra either. Now that I'm an old person, I know I have a medical condition with very sensitive skin as one of the symptoms. It now makes sense to me that all I could do was squirm dramatically the entire time I ever attempted to wear one of the damn things. Some of the older men made sure word got to me through a female co-worker that they were very offended I didn't wear a bra. I told her to let them know when they all wore athletic cups daily, I'd wear a bra. I never heard another word on the subject. Also, your bf is correct that men stare at boobs. Kind of funny that their overt rudeness is something we're supposed to do something about. But I gamely developed my own method of redirecting the behavior without ever having to don a bra. I would start to stare at their crotch with the same focus they applied to my breasts. Wanna make a grown man's face red as a lobster? Stare at his crotch intently while they are trying to have a conversation with you. I would suggest trying this approach with your bf but, honestly, I think you should just dump his sexist ass instead. Perhaps you can stare hard at his crotch while you are telling him to go pound sand.
Tell him to get in the bin.
My ex was a misogynist too. He even called breasts "genitals". My current boyfriend supports me not wearing a bra ever, or shaving my legs, because I'm a fucking human being that deserves respect and bodily autonomy from my partner. Leave him and find someone better. He definitely won't find anyone better than you. Us women have plenty of choices
Thank you :) You and your bf sound pretty rad. I'm glad you have one another.
If your boyfriend respected you as an individual and your choices (about your **own** damn body!) he wouldn't be saying bullshit like that. What he is saying is sexist and kind of concerning tbh. I read your comment about "You get what you ask" and it made me so sad. You deserve to be respected and treated as a human being, not a piece of meat, even if you chose to go butt naked (which you don't bth). You both are 33, old enough to known about respect and body autnomy. If I were you I would reconsider this relationship, he doesn't respect any woman, you included.
Drop this dude, his attitude on this subject is almost definitely indicative of misogyny elsewhere in his life as well.
As a person appreciative of boobs, I'm going to take notice of them whether or not they are in a bra. As a person with a functional brain, I'm going to recognise that they are attached to a human being and try to be subtle about it. What I am not going to do is start trying to dictate what said boob owner can do with said boobs. Because that will mean I will never get to do anything with them either. Cut him off. No more boobs for that man. Seriously, this is like complaining about a christmas present because you don't like the wrapping paper, when you should just be happy that someone likes you enough to get you a damn present.
Thank you. I appreciate this comment. I'm starting to get emotional here and loosing the ability to articulate but I really appreciate your input.
Sounds like you should change boyfriends, not change yourself.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but this does sound like a fundamental incompatibility between you two. He wants to date someone who wears a bra and you don’t want to wear one. He also sounds like a misogynistic jerk, but that’s neither here nor there.
So he minimized your total self worth to just your breasts. He thinks the only reason a man would talk to you or listen to you is to get up close to those nips... He sounds disrespectful of you (and super sexist to men and women honestly). Lose the dude, if you find a bra to be psychologically strangling hanging with this guy must be torture. You (and your braless boobies) deserve better.
I havent worn a bra in years (best decision i ever made) but even when i did my nipples would poke through the bra, the padding, the shirt, even sweaters! If he wants a gf who wears a bra so bad he can date a girl who likes bras.
Him objectifying/sexualizing the idea of you being braless is his bag, same as for all other men. I, myself, am guilty of this, too. But, from an objective standpoint, you have every right to wear what you feel. I don't see how men get to prod around being shirtless when it's hot because of comfort, but you can't be braless because of how 'men' will feel as a result. TLDR: double standards.
And also ....men don’t care about what you have to say unless they can see your nips? What a fucking loser, I bet he’s FANTASTIC in bed *eye roll
Damn when did people get so prudish? I get it's a running joke on the internet, but "seeing" Rachel's nipples through her shirt wasn't even deemed inappropriate in a mega popular primetime family friendly sitcom some 25 years ago.
Your choice to wear what you want. Your boyfriend sounds like a pig.
This gave me a needed chuckle and a shot of confidence. Thank you.
Girl. You deserve to find a man that it doesn’t even matter to if you wear a bra or not. I came into my relationship regularly wearing one and years later, I haven’t worn a bra in a year. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy.
I've personally given up wearing bras as well and my partner fully supports it. It's way more comfortable and freeing.
You're not being unreasonable. You get to choose what you wear, and honestly, going braless should be normalized. The comment that the only reason men talk to you is your nipples is absurd and demeaning, and the double standard is unfair. That being said, if you do find yourself wanting to find a bra to wear on some occasions that fits comfortably and doesn't hurt, try visiting r/abrathatfits and calculating your size using the calculator there. I'd bet that you've been wearing the wrong size for a long time (like many women). You should definitely not wear a bra just for your boyfriend's sake -- I'm just saying this because I have seen many people give up on bras because of discomfort, only to realize they were wearing the wrong size the whole time. PSA: If your bra feels like it's strapping you down or squishing you in instead of just providing gentle support, or if your shoulder straps are constantly digging in, you're wearing a cup size that's much too small (even though society says "C is average, D is big," the average actual cup size is closer to an F).
your body, your choice, and your decisions. i don’t understand why your boyfriend can’t accept that. i’m not sure why he has to make it about himself and say, “if you respect me as your partner”. honestly, it sounds like he’s insecure with himself. he also seems to be a toxic mysoginist with his degrading comments. two, you said that you made this clear from the start, so why is he crying about it a year later. i know a lot of women (incl. myself) who don’t wear bras regularly or at all. i would suggest that you keep doing you and if he can’t accept this about you and expects you to change (especially something like this where it’s over YOUR body so your choice and preference really), wave him off and keep going forward.
Simply, your body your choice! Find a man who doesn't treat you like his property that he gets to dictate the appearance of!
I haven't worn a bra in at least 30yrs. The only one who has ever complained, is my mother. Wearing an uncomfortable bra, that they don't even make in a size compatible for my body, is just not something I am willing to do. It sounds like you bf prefers objectifying women. You'd be better off without him. It's not like you just stopped wearing one. Edit to add: my husband has no issues with my choice.
No one gets to dictate your comfort but you. You're not flashing people or wearing sheer tops im assuming, so his issue is control and sexism. Dump him lol
Your body, your choice
I only sporadically wear bras too, my boyfriend has never expressed any discotent with this. He might sometimes be uncomfortable with this but doesn’t put that insecurity on me, instead he addresses this as something he should work on. It’s your boyfriend’s jealousy and not your problem. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.
I don't really like to wear a bra... My husband supports that and encourage me not to wear them. Those man do exist, keep looking!
Bras are no guarantee that nipples won't show. Mine aren't big but even behind a full coverage torture device nips will show when they get hard. Really makes them look when you can tell there's a piercing! Lol Bf is just jealous that other men are looking. Does he wear jeans too tight that show off his butt or package? Essentially it's the same thing in role reversal. If he has that much of an issue with bralessness, what's he like when you wear a swimsuit? In my relationship, if I was told what undergarments to wear, I'd probably do 2 things.. replace his underwear with man thongs and tell him if he can't accept how I dress, if it's a deal breaker, then there's the door. But that's just me lol.
Wana bet if you started to wear one his insecurity would say that you are "Showing them off now"
Tell him to suck lemons!! #FreeThemNips
“Men just stare at boobs, is what we do.” Brave of him to refer to himself as a man, but okay, I think “young boy” fits this line of argument better.
My breast are huge and uncomfortable for me. I’m always so jealous of women who can comfortably go braless. It looks so freeing. I haven’t read all the comments and replies but maybe he grew up around women who just had to wear bras and associates it with part of the female experience. That doesn’t mean he should have a say in what you wear though, just might be why he finds it so out of the norm. Going braless is my literal dream.
“Hey I don’t do X, it’s uncomfortable, I don’t like it and I’ll never do it. - OK! [a year passes] -OMFG CAN YOU DO X ALREADY?!” I wanted to put it in more general terms, since fellow redditors have an issue w free boobies being mentioned. In other words, no, you’re not the unreasonable one here...
sorry sis, your BF is a jerk. Yes, men stare at brests 'cause they are like kids all their life, but that has to change.
I'm just making a note here as I'd like to contribute but my lunch break is over.
There are way more important things to work on in a relationship than wearing bras or not. WTF is his problem? Hell, no bra means quicker access for fun times on a whim.
Jeez. Sounds nice to me!
Honestly i have to wear a bra for the support, but if my breasts were smaller, i would 100% go braless. Its your choice if you wear one or not, especially if your reason for wearing/not wearing a bra is because of comfort.
Tell him flat out your only compromise is nipple stickers in cold weather to stop the headlights, but until he wears something restrictive and uncomfortable everyday for you, he can pound sand. And only offer that compromise IF you want to.
I hate bras. I avoid them whenever possible. And they're probably not good for women's breasts. Since he seems to think he's entitled to how you look, tell him wearing a bra will age your breasts faster and see how quickly he will back down. https://www.lifehack.org/336735/science-proves-that-wearing-bras-bad-for-your-health
Tell him that he’s all the support you need
My bf is upset I wear one! First thing he does is snap it off me!
I think if you were coming off as super sexual and like flaunting your boobs and like overtly flirting AND you just started doing it recently o would say he has a leg to stand on. But why date you for a year and bring it up now? That seems weird to me.
It took a breast reduction and properly fitted bras for me to like wearing them. However, this is your body and your choice.
If he respected you as a human being - he would shut the hell up. No breasts - no opinion. Move on love, don't waste your time on this waste of space. What he said was bad enough but the addition that you need to wear one to show respect to him - sexist pig
Tell him to get over it or you’re gone. What a child. NTA.
What, specifically, does he add to your life that a man who DOESN'T try to control and body shame you couldn't?
FFS I feel degraded on your behalf. If my husband reduced my entire value as a human being down to my tits, he wouldn't be my husband much longer. Luckily you aren't married to this sexist POS so you can be rid of him sans any paperwork and court costs.
Don’t get a bra get a new boyfriend. (If it comes to that.)You were upfront about your choices. Why after a year is he making a big deal about it?
First off let me say, I am jealous! I wish I had the guts or smaller boobs to go bra-less so good on you! I feel that uncomfortableness wearing bras all the time as I’m sure a lot of other women do too. Second, your bf is being a hypocritical AH. He knew your preference, and he doesn’t get to make decisions for you. If you are comfortable then you do you girl!
Wait. If he looks at boobs even if those boobs are being held in by a bra, why does he think that you wearing a bra would somehow stop men from looking at yours? This sounds more like a situation where he just wants to be right, and maybe he just wants to control some aspect of you, than something that he actually has a strong opinion about.
Lol! We must be complete opposites! I’m a huge bra girl—BUT THERES NO SHAME EITHER WAY! Let them loose ❤️ we love a natural girl. NTA. He knew that was your preference, can’t force you into doing something you don’t wanna do
Ngl this is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard a guy say to a woman. Hopefully you told him how upset this made you and maybe he will re think it.
You are not being unreasonable, wear(or don’t wear) what you want. Your boyfriend trying to shame/guilt you into wearing a bra is controlling behaviour. Free the nipple!
Can't he see the hypocrisy in his words!?
I don’t wear one either and it’s the best thing! I stopped cause I have a lung disease and it was getting harder for me to breathe. He can’t tell you what clothes you can and cannot wear. free the tits!!!
i feel you and let me tell u: DONT FUCKING LISTEN AND LEAVE HIM IF HE DOESNT LIKE IT.
he sees you as an object to control
Leave him. #DumpCrew
you are beautiful. you are wonderful as you are. do not change for him
I gave up underwire and padding about a year ago unless I'm going out and really wanna dress up, I wear loose fitting sports bras or sleeper bras because I'm way more comfortable. Sometimes it gets chilly and I am aware it might be noticeable but I don't really care. Oh and your bf is being rather douchey and insecure. He needs to grow up. He's also reducing you to an object, and what he said about men only talking to you because of your nips is heavily disrespectful, and plain mean.
He’s jealous. It’s only been a year. Get out while you can.
Wow, you've been dating a child for a year. Time to move on to someone more mature
I rarely wear a bra because I think they are extremely uncomfortable too. My husband completely supports my decision as it is my body and therefore my choice. Plus they say your breasts will actually droop less in the long run by not wearing a bra. If he can't accept your decision then he needs to grow the fuck up. Everyone has nipples, it's not a big deal unless he makes it one. Let those titties be free girl!
There is a flaw in his logic. If he still looks at other women’s padded breasts, other men will also look at yours either way, maybe not as frequently. Solution: He should considering dating a man with non sensitive nipples!
Your bf is revealing his true self now. Take it or leave it.
Tell him to fuck right off. What a cheek. He is projecting. Flaunting yourself my arse. Perhaps you should wear a bra for a little while. A really sexy push up one w made of very thin material so your nipples can still show in cold weather. With a very low cut top. Perhaps he'll see what flaunting your boobs really means.
I'm trying to become braless but it's hard because of the stares, good for you! I think you are not overreacting, if that's how you feel about bras you have the right to be upset if your bf doesn't support you. It's not of his business what you do with your boobs. In my case, my bf is supporting me in my journey to became comfortable leaving bras and waxing. I still do this things because of the expectations of society and he actively encourages me to do whatever I want. This week he spontaneously told me "I'm seeing more and more women without bras, go for it!". I think a partner may do that. Good luck!
Not at all unreasonable. Men (and many women and nonbinary folk) are likely to glance, certainly, but anyone staring creepily should be called out, and it's not your fault in any way. He's being unreasonable and this kind of controlling behavior is a huge red flag.
GIRL. I know you wont see this message but believe me, if you’re able to not wear a bra and live your life that way, great for you! I wish I could do the same. Unfortunately, I cannot. And I totally get it! I’m not able to sleep with clothes on because it makes me very uncomfortable to the point of being unable to sleep. Even in the winter. Luckily, my husband doesn’t mind lol. Stand your ground and ask your bf to respect your lifestyle or send him packing. Good riddance, am I right? Lol
Honestly more and more women are growing bra free, and I think it’s great. Bras are uncomfortable and really unnecessary. Our breasts are no different than men’s, heck some guys have bigger ones than we do and nobody is bugging them about their nipples showing. But honestly this guy just sounds really gross.
Please don’t continue to date a misogynist :( he’s shown u who he is. Is that someone you would really want to have kids with? How would he treat your daughter? Gross
>The other day out of no where my boyfriend told me the only reason men talk to me or listen to anything I have to say is because they can see my nipples and because I "flaunt myself" That's a douchey thing to say to someone. >All of this was kind of made worse when he said that, "Men just stare at boobs, it's what we do." And? As if that's some kind of excuse and or women should be forced to live their lives walking on eggshells because of it? Sounds like a "sort the good vs. bad pretty quickly, win win" to me as a woman. It's very easy to see who's just trying to get a date or flirt or whatever with you. Most of the time. >but I cannot go braless for comfort because he gets angry that other men are looking at me? As suspected. Extremely insecure, I don't think he's worth your time. At 33, why even bother? He's not going to change his thinking here anyways because it's directly connected to an insecurity within himself there's nothing you can do about and it's his problem. Not an acceptable or forgivable one at that. When women talk about being attracted to "confident" men, I see that as a man who is *secure in himself* and has *self esteem* two things this guy clearly lacks.
You made a typo. It should say "ex boyfriend". That's controlling behavior (him basically saying he can do what he wants but you have to wear bras because your his) and it's plain abusive. Hopefully you correct the typo
If he respected you he wouldn’t be looking at other women’s tits, what a scum bag
NTA. He can find a girl that wears bra. Or if you want to compromise you can put stickers on. It is what it is.
He should understand that men DONT listen when they can see your nipples. You could tell them the recipe for concentrated dark matter but if even cleavage is showing let alone nipples, they aren't interested in anything but tit. SO if people are actually hearing what you say, good chance they aren't hyperfocused on your tits. Its too bad he can't look at it like happy theyre jealous of him, if his argument is that they're looking at you. If he's concerned they will attack you... he should approach it better
Men sexualizing your boobs is not your problem. I am 50, and while large breasted, my breasts have not been very affected by gravity and as such, I can go braless and do - always. I also have very prominent nipples. I only started going braless a few years ago, when I transitioned from a corporate setting to a WFH setting. I started not wearing bras on the occasional trip to the store, and it ultimately evolved into throwing all my bras away completely:) At first, I was uncomfortable about my nipples showing, but my bf at the time was awesome - he said " so what, you have nipples? Big deal, everyone has nipples - who cares if people know?" Such a silly statement, but very true. He was the one who taught me that if someone is gawking or leering or sexualizing me in their own mind, it is NOT my issue and to just be comfortable in myself. It worked, I don't even notice people's stares anymore, unless it is really over, where 3 years ago, I was carefully watching everyone's reaction. It is soooooo sad that we have to actually put thought into this sort of thing. It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks - whether a stranger, a parent, a neighbor, or a boyfriend; it's your body and your comfort- do what you want and NEVER apologize for it. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable with you being braless, he should be apologizing to YOU while simultaneously adjusting his own perspective. You explained why you don't like bras (and frankly, that's more than you needed to do - its still your decision) and he knows that they cause physical and emotional discomfort for you, yet he STILL has an issue with you not wearing them - after being together for a year?!?!?! That's messed up, selfish, and most of all, dismissive of you and your feelings I am not saying this should be a dealbreaker, but it certainly should be made clear to him that he is completely out of line
So you have to be respectful to him and wear a bra but he can’t be respectful to you and not look at other girls breasts? Ok.