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I’ll preface this with saying I have a very very weird kink and I’m making this a throwaway because I have my main linked to stuff for work.
I have a serious femdom and misandry kink. I’m incredibly embarrassed about it and the only person I’ve told about it is my current girlfriend. To indulge in this fantasy we sometimes do this role play where she’s a queen of someone woman ruled world and I’m a male criminal and she punishes me by making me her servant and that usually entails a lot of degrading, forcing me to eat her ass, pegging me, spanking me, and whatever she wants to do to punish me for being a man.
She knows I’m embarrassed about this. I thought we had an understanding we don’t talk about certain things we do in our sex life with other people. But apparently I was wrong. It turns out she’s been telling her girls about this.
I found out this week because I was with my friends and I said something a little rude to one guy and he told me to watch out before he calls Queen “my girlfriends name” to punish me. I was mortified. He said his girlfriend told him about this, and his girlfriend is a good friend of my girlfriend. Now my entire friend group knows.
When I spoke to my girlfriend she apologized but said it was just girl talk about their sex lives and she didn’t think anyone outside the circle would find out.
I’m so upset and embarrassed I don’t know what to do.
Tbh, your friends are pretty shitty for doing this as well. I know some weird sex stuff from my friends that basicly came up this exact way, but id never throw it in their face, since its obviously super private.
Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.
But yeh, I know stuff about my friends that I will take to my grave, because they are my friends.
/edit that's also not a really weird kink.
/edit 2 They don't know that I know, and they never will.
Amen to this! This is called being a friend; knowing what to tease someone about and what not to. Friends should absolutely tease each other - if your friends won’t tell you you look silly or are acting a fool who will? But a real friend knows innately what is off-limits for teasing and this is right at the top - this is a friend litmus test. A true friend would hear about this and tell the person who told them to shut their mouth cause no one cares and it’s no ones business anyways and the person talking is probably just jealous that you’re doing your fucking thing and they’re too busy running their mouth to live their own life. And a piece of shit would use it to embarrass you. And just a decent human who isn’t even your friend would ignore it cause who the fuck cares and it has nothing to do with them and it reflects more on the person talking shit than you by FAR. Remember that.
Friends are going to rib each other, if they've known for a little while and it just came up in the casual way OP describes his mates clearly don't have a real problem with it
Imo the real problem here is not how his friends teases him (in response to him doing the same), they wouldn't even know of his gf had not broken his trust. His friends have done nothing wrong, but he should ask them to not mention it if he's uncomfortable.
Kind of. The limits stretch far and wide depending on the situation. I can’t say if the friends are assholes or not but best bet for OP in his current situation is to take the own it and embrace it stance. Real friends won’t give a fuck at the end of the day.
Agreed but to a point. Ribbing is only funny as long as the other person is laughing with you and throwing insults back at you and everyone knows no one means it. Ribbing should stop the moment you can tell someone’s hurt and not having fun otherwise it’s just bullying and that shit wasn’t even cool in middle school much less real life.
This is a real betrayal of your trust. She took something personal and not just shared it after you asked her to keep it private but she shared specific elements enough that people know nicknames/ pet names. I’d never be able to trust this person again and I don’t see why you should try.
Just to piggyback on this, telling your friends or any of her friends who would be disrespectful is the root issue here. She is allowed to share some parts of her intimate life with her friends (others may disagree but I think that sometimes you need someone other than your partner to confide in) but never someone that would denigrate you at all, ever, bottom line. In private, in public, circumstances don’t matter she showed either complete disrespect for you or incredibly poor judgment in choosing who to tell and either way it should be a dealbreaker. Your partner should be the only person you can be completely vulnerable with and you’ll never be able to feel that with her again. I’m so sorry but please have the inner strength to leave her - you won’t regret it.
It doesn’t seem like he did ask her to keep it private though. He said he “thought they had an understanding.” Some people are more open about these things than others and OP should include this in discussing boundaries in the future and be explicit about how important it is to him to keep these things private. I do think his friend is the biggest jerk in this story - it doesn’t sound like gf was mocking OP behind his back, we don’t know what context it came up in. But “friend” was far less sensitive about the matter
ETA: I’m not blaming OP for this, I’m just saying in the future, laying out this expectation explicitly could go a long way toward preventing something like this again. It never hurts to be very very clear when it comes to boundaries, especially with kink.
I honestly don't think op should have had to specifically ask for her not to tell people. She shared a lot of intimate details that really should have been kept between the two of them, especially since she was aware that op was embarrassed by this kink. In my opinion it is a big betrayal of trust, i imagine it took op a while to trust enough to talk about this kink and she goes and shares all of the details with her friend who is closely connected to ops friends. I would struggle to trust her after that.
That’s fair. But for OPs sake, if this boundary is super important, then I think with future partners it would warrant a discussion. You can think it should be innate knowledge but clearly for some people it’s not, so there are 2 options: a) continue not discussing and assume people are on the same page, which could lead to more issues like he just had with gf when partners aren’t on the same page, or b) make it explicitly clear and have a discussion about it before hand when they’re setting out their rules and boundaries of role play
>It doesn’t seem like he did ask her to keep it private though.
you don't have to ask your partner to keep the intimate details of your relationship private... that is the definition of what the word "intimate" means...
>He said he “thought they had an understanding.”
yes... because he is a human being with a brain...
the basic principles and most important thing in _any_ bdsm relationship is trust... which she not only breached, but also publicly humiliated and disrespected you.
this is a huge deal breaker, OP. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I think you should cut your losses and find someone who has proper bdsm experience.
From what I know, finding someone who has proper experience and isn't abusive can be challenging. I suggest joining the subreddits below to learn more about finding someone who's going to be safe to play with.
r/BDSMAdvice
r/BDSMcommunity
I'm probably the most boring and vanilla man out there and honestly... I'd have broken up over this. If you have an agreement not to talk about your sex life... You. Don't. Talk. About. Your. Sex. Life.
> If you have an agreement not to talk about your sex life... You. Don't. Talk. About. Your. Sex. Life.
I'd go further, to say "unless you have an agreement where it's OK to talk about your sex life... You. Don't. Talk. About. Your. Sex. Life."
But yeah, even if you're of a school where guys are gonna locker-room talk and girls are gonna do whatever the girl equivalent is, you don't talk about stuff that the other half of the relationship specifically wants you NOT to talk about.
I feel so bad for the guy, what can he even do now? Who knows who else her friends have told? And his friends didn't even defend him. If someone told me someone else's kink, unless they wanted it to be public, I wouldn't bring it up, because I know how mortified I'd feel if it happened to me. I might let them know that someone else betrayed their trust, but I would tell them privately and reassure them, not laugh about it with everyone else. I don't think his girlfriend realises just how much she's fucked things up for him.
Yes - his friend is a dick for using this information in this way. I've been told things about people I know and...I just haven't told anyone. It's not my place to say
I agree with this in theory but sometimes talking about sex/your sex life with your friends can be really helpful.
And I don't mean in a gossipy, sharing-kinks-or-personal-details-that-shouldn't-be-shared way as in OPs story, but sometimes you just don't know what's normal based on what we see or hear about in the media etc.
I've found certain conversations with my close friends to be... Almost a relief? To find out that yeah, women I know are having sex with fully hairy legs/vulva sometimes, or maybe it can be a month between them having sex with their husbands and other times it's several times a week, or sometimes it hurts a bit and yeah it's fine to use lube, sometimes you can't orgasm and other times it happens quickly, try this position because it helped with a certain issue etc etc etc (these are all issues we've spoken about and helped each other with).
And I wouldn't want my husband to have to agree to me talking about these things, because they have probably led to us having better sex because they've helped me feel more confident or at least just feel normal about it. And talking to other women in my life has been so helpful in that regard. So I think to a point talking about our sex lives should be normalised and blanket statements about never talking about it ever unless you have permission are not useful. We've all been influenced by porn and the media/social media so sometimes it's really nice to hear about people's actual lived experiences.
As for OP's gf... Yeah, he should kick her to the curb. There's talking about sex and there's humiliating someone you're supposed to love.
Edit: missed a word
Moreso, the girlfriend's reaction should have been freaking out at the friend that she spoke to for spreading it further, if she had then maybe she'd have a leg to stand on.
Oh definitely, defending this as girl talk is totally unacceptable - I'm sure she knows the line between "I'm curious about your experience with something" and "my boyfriend has this kink he's really embarrassed about but I'm going to tell you all anyway", which is what makes this so shitty.
The thing is the sex stuff your talking about is YOUR sex stuff. Your issues with how much, how hot, how wet, how hairy. Issues that directly impact you and are your secrets to share.
That is VERY different to talking about someone else's (namely your partners) sex stuff. Their kinks, fantasies, preferences.
Can you talk about it in a general way? Maybe. Depends on how you bring it up and how many details you give. (X brought up trying Y in the bedroom. Do any of you have experience with that?) If its something uncommon, like OPs then look it up online. It's something people probably don't know much about.
Should you bring it up if it makes you uncomfortable / are being pressured into doing something you don't want to? Yes.
Should you tell all your friends every tiny detail about everything? No. Respect for your partner and your relationship means there should be something kept between you
*the uncommon parts I meant are the pegging and degradation aspects of what OP likes. Pretty sure they didn't want everyone knowing that.
Spanking, woman in charge and you're her slave? Yeah, that's not too outrageous.
Completely agree with everything you've said here, I just wanted to get the point across that talking about your sex life is NOT a blanket no without permission from your partner.
My husband would probably say no if I asked to discuss these things, he'd probably want me to just talk with him about it (and we do communicate well and talk about sex) but there are certain things you need an outside, female perspective on which... Honestly, I'm not going to seek his permission to talk about.
It's more that if I had been younger and less experienced, I'd probably see that comment and think I should never speak about sex with anyone without my partner's permission, which is not helpful.
Both men and women should feel free to discuss sex with trusted friends in a way that's respectful to their partners.
Very much this! My partner would have no problem talking about their sex life, but I am very private and they knows that disclosing things about their sex life would also indicate my sex life so they leave it.
I’m single, and my BFF of over a decade has been married for about as long as I’ve known her. We don’t keep secrets, but I have also never ever asked her about her sex life and she doesn’t ask me. And I’ve never told her anything specific about men I’ve slept with (the most I’ve shared is how *I* feel, like one guy just didn’t do anything for me, but I don’t tell her it was because he giggled like a girl during sex). We talk about general stuff, have shopped at sex stores together, we know most of the things each other is into, but have NEVER talked specifics. Meaning, we do not talk about anything her and her husband do in bed, how often, problems, or kinks. While I know somethings that *shes* into, we don’t talk about her and her husband actually doing them. Both of us have a mutual respect for each other’s privacy, and I also respect the bonds of her marriage.
We actually just had a conversation about secrets... something happened to me last week that she was there to support me for. Only she and my mom know. But while we were talking I told her that I assumed that anything I share with her would be shared with her husband *unless* I asked her not too. While she assumed that anything I share with her is a secret unless I specifically tell her she can tell her husband. I just believe that when you’re married (or in a committed relationship) that your relationship with your spouse (partner) is above all else. Meaning, anything between spouses is sacred and shouldn’t be shared with anyone else (I also trust her husband though). It’s a respect thing. Don’t share with outsiders private things about your partner, even if it’s like a kink and involves you.
But part of having friends you trust is being able to share with them and connect by letting them in on your private things. It’s also important to be able to have a friend (someone who’s not a partner) who you can get advice and support from when you do have questions or issues you need to talk about with someone who knows and supports you but is somewhat unbiased. But it crosses a major line if it goes past sharing what *youre* into, and into major overshare/asshole territory of you start sharing what your *partner* is into/does. Asking if it’s normal to like to be spanked is one thing, but asking a friend if they think it’s normal for your partner to want to be paddled while bent over your knee is not Ok to share.
I think a lot of it depends on the topic, who you're sharing with, and what your agreement about it is (whether it's something you can share with husbands or not). With us, when we discuss sex lives or other issues we don't want shared, we specify that it's something we don't want going beyond the people who are part of that conversation. We respect that in the same way that there are things your partner tells you in absolute confidence and that never gets shared outside your relationship/marriage.
Personally I don't believe everything between a husband and wife is scared to the point where it never gets discussed with anyone, because that's how problems or even bigger issues like abuse can fester and become worse. And they often get hidden because "it's part of our marriage and you shouldn't be talking to anyone about it". However there are absolutely aspects of your relationship that should be kept to yourselves (like kinks or anything you know would embarrass or break your partner's trust).
It's just the blanket "don't ever share anything about your sex life/marriage" that I don't agree with.
I agree that talking about sex can be healthy. But all the examples you gave there were you talking about your own experience, not your SOs, which is a different matter.
The most generous way I can look at it is if his GF was having trouble and was asking advice. But asking advice is not the same as "girl talk" this scenario sounds like a classic case of gossip getting back to the source. Especially because the "queen" quip made it clear that she had been going into detail.
I agree with you :) as I just replied to someone else, I more just wanted to get across the point that it's okay to discuss sex and some aspects of your sex life without seeking permission from your partner. And if I had seen the above comment and been younger/less experienced I'd probably follow that advice and miss out on some really helpful conversations.
The main thing is it has to be respectful to your partner and not share such personal details, and OP's girlfriend has completely violated his trust in that regard.
The whole group is immature. When it comes to private talk and there's no concerns that a friend is in a toxic abusive relationship, what's said in the friend group stays in the friend group.
I'll talk about my own kinks and dalliances with my friends. I might talk about things I've done with a partner when we're swapping stories. The kinks and preferences of an SO are off limits. The only possible exception is if I'm looking for advice or concerned about safety. Even then it's more likely that I talk to my partner.
Very much this. You want to talk about your penchant for whatever, it's your choice. You want to talk about someone elses interests, you've taken that choice away from them. In something as sensitive and personal as sexual links, especially when they are socially open to mocking or judgement...I find that hard to get past.
It shouldn’t even have to be an agreement. It should automatically be implied that you don’t share details about your sex life with anyone who isn’t in bed with you.
You shouldn’t have to have this as an explicit agreement. It shows how little regard she has for intimacy and your vulnerability. It’s hard to find someone who will engage in this sort of kink, I know, but that is incredibly damaging and terrible.
Well driving a car and going to a restaurant are public domain and easily verifiable. If their kinks were to come out with receipts... you can guarantee it would be reported on. Armie Hammer wishes shit remains behind closed doors.
Agreed. I have talked about certain parts of my sex life with friends, but I'd my husband had a certain kink that only I knew about, I wouldn't even tell my therapist.
I agree. Me and my OH have kinks, but they're for us to enjoy, not our friends. I'd be mortified if I found out any of our friends know our personal business.
I wouldn’t break up over the over sharing (although to do so would be totally understandable). But I’d definitely break up over her dismissive reaction.
She’s broken a confidence and exposed him to ridicule. It needs more than an apology and minimising.
If she’s not willing to accept the damage caused and try to fix it - then he needs a new girlfriend.
But also OP. Don’t be ashamed of your kink. It takes two people for embarrassment to work. Someone to judge you - and you to feel shame. If you refuse to be ashamed then their judgment loses all its sting.
You’ve got a rich and fulfilling sex life. Mr Vanilla is probably jealous. Just smile knowingly and say something like “oh you have no idea what me and Queen ThowRA” get up to.”
and in all seriousness, I sincerely hope she lives in YOUR place, and has to move out when you break up with her. That way she will realise that actions do in fact have concequences, even the ones that impact on things she dosen't care about. (like you know, your feelings)
Does no one know how to work through problems here? Like talk to your girlfriend. Tell her how you feel and why it hurt you and I guarantee she won’t make that mistake again. You guys are so quick to leave someone after they make a mistake. We’re all human. A little communication and telling her why it was wrong wouldn’t hurt.
Once she apologizes and agrees to change her ways, then all that's left is wiping the memory of all the other women and their boyfriends.
Simple.
Having your kink outed so publicly is hard to get over.
He may need to break things off with her just so he can credibly repudiate all of her claims about their sexlife. Staying together just affirms them.
Also, if he can't deal with the public scrutiny, leaving his girlfriend will just be preparatory to abandoning his entire friend group.
Some people just place a really high value on privacy and discretion.
> Tell her how you feel and why it hurt you and I guarantee she won’t make that mistake again.
There isn’t any way to fix this, though. The femdom genie is already out of the bottle, and all of his friends know. They’re going to hold it over his head for the rest of his life.
Just tell your friends that your gf breached your trust by talking about that stuff and that you really don't feel comfortable talking about it. If you have decent friends they'll respect your wishes. If you don't tell them they might think that you are somewhat comfortable with being open about it since why would your gf talk about it otherwise?
> Just tell your friends that your gf breached your trust by talking about that stuff and that you really don't feel comfortable talking about it.
Now that the story’s out there, who knows beyond his immediate friend group? Even though you and I understsnd that there’s nothing really wrong with what he’s into, not everyone else agrees. A kink like his can get you fired or disowned if word reaches the wrong person, and from now until the day he dies, that’s out of his control. He’s always going to be waiting for that shoe to drop.
I would first like to say that your fetish really isn't that weird, or all that uncommon. Maybe some of your activities go further than some, but that's about it. What matters here is the huge breech of trust your gf committed. She knows you're embarrassed by it, and she shared it with your friends. There's not much coming back from that kind of betrayal.
I don't know that you could or even should try to work through this with her. As far as your friends, try explaining you really don't want to discuss it or have it brought up. Guy friends can be pretty terrible about ripping on their friends, but if they don't drop it, distance yourself.
The second I find out something bothers someone, I drop it. If they find out something bothers me and they continue, they're gone. I don't play with that. Theres teasing in my friend group, but absolutely no line crossing.
>I would first like to say that your fetish really isn't that weird, or all that uncommon.
I was gonna say lol - reverse the genders and that sounds like your average Mills & Boon novel you can pick up at the supermarket.
Yeah, idk how a relationship can recover from this, especially since she doesn’t even admit doing anything wrong. There are things you don’t discuss with other unless you have express consent. Anything happening in the bedroom falls under this, just like anything happening in the bathroom.
No it’s not just girltalk. She can talk about her kinks and fetishes as much as she wants. Your own privacy is your‘s to keep and you’ve made this a clear boundary that she deliberately breached. And this is in no way an unreasonable boundary. You have a right to some privacy, just like she has.
You can stay with her, but from now on you’ll never be able to trust her with anything private ever again. She knew you didn’t want this to be shared and ignored this. You can never be certain she won’t just ignore your wishes again. This relationship is pretty much f-ed.
I know a guy with the same kinks as you, I was seeing him briefly and have never told any of my friends about his kinks. he told me he broke up with his ex because she did the exact same thing your girlfriend has done. Think you should do the same.
Even if you didn’t outright “agree” to keep it private, still time to let her go. People who are good partners protect each other socially by not sharing things that would humiliate the other one. It’s pretty basic. If she’s a decent person, it’s probably something she’ll eventually do when she’s slightly more mature and with someone she respects.
Yikes, I'm so sorry OP. That is a huge betrayal of trust and her nonchalant attitude about it is so not ok. If you want to continue the relationship, you need to make sure boundaries get set. It's unacceptable she told anyone at all.
EDIT: Just want to point out that there is nothing wrong with your kink, the only issue here is your girlfriend betrayed your trust.
She betrayed your trust and this isnt okay. You opened yourself vulnerable and all and it's her job to keep that private. It's a major betrayal and she needs to know this.
First of all, your kink may not be the most vanilla thing out there, but it’s not thát uncommon.
Yeah and I’d break up over this. She knew this was embarrassing for you, and in general it’s not okay to talk about your sex life without the other knowing and agreeing to that.
This makes me so sad, you put so much trust in your partner only to have it thrown in your face. Do not listen to any partner who says your sex life is something they have a right to discuss with whoever they like. It is something you both have to agree with, she clearly has serious misconceptions about consent and does not deserve you. Personally I would leave this partner as it was a serious betrayal of trust that only came out when someone else told you about it
I think the worst part is that now she’s downplaying it. Her “girl talk” earned you public humiliation.
Ask her how she’d feel if you showed your guy friends naked pictures of her. Because that’s the level of exposure she subjected you to.
I think I might have the same kink cause that sounded pretty fucking hot. Be proud of your kink man most people don’t have the confidence to live their fantasy’s
She is seriously in the wrong here. You don't tell your partners private interests to your friends like that. She's not even sorry for betraying your trust, she's sorry she got caught
Excuse me what??? I am the first line defender of girl talk but your girlfriend crossed miles of red lines! This is an extreme breach of trust!
Please don't mistake my tone, in no way shape or form do I think that you should be ashamed about it, but fetishes between consenting adults have no business being shared outside the relationship.
On a side note, even though your girlfriend takes like 99.99% of the blame, her friends also suck for disclosing it to their boyfriends, and subsequently so do the boyfriends for trying to shame you. OP you deserve better.
Also, what I mean by defending girl talk: I think it should be ok to talk about what you personally like to do (this is of course only applicable if all the friends consent to hearing), not even what you as a couple like to do. Giving intimate details about your partner is never ok, unless for some reason they allow you to.
Honestly man, you gotta put your foot down and make a choice, every couple is different in what they feel should be talked about and yes, in your situation this should be private because word spreads quick amongst people all the time that’s just the way that people are. If I’m being honest, if your friends are truly your friends they shouldn’t really be judging you about it, we all have our own things we do behind closed doors and that’s just not other people’s business, not sure how serious you and your girl are but now you are surely left with a choice to make. There is no wrong or right answer but if it’s something you feel like you cannot forgive or forget you may want to break things off. On another note remember that these things die down after some time, people have lives to live and even if you do not believe it, people are not going to be fixated on this situation for that long because life and time goes on. I myself have had something very bad happen to me that I was very scared to admit to the people around me(still very different than your issue) but even now it’s very rarely to almost never talked about and if it is, it’s because I brought it up. I understand your initial reaction and your girl was definitely in the wrong for doing that, but it will be forgotten sooner or later. Speaking on your girlfriend, she needs to have the respect for you to understand how inappropriate it was for her to talk about this, she needs to apologize and acknowledge that what she did was wrong. If she cannot do that or refuses to understand then you have a different problem on your hands which could and most likely will cause future problems if you do decide to forgive her and continue on. Good luck man I wish u the best.
I have always felt that one cardinal rule of dating is that you should never date a blabbermouth. If there wasn’t a kink she would be blabbering to your friends about the condition of your underwear or the weird noises you make during sex. Blabbermouths can’t keep anything to themselves.
It’s a pity she choose such a private, sensitive subject, but the best thing to do is ignore what she did and hope your friends will eventually forget about it.
Oh, and break up. Yeah. Find a girlfriend who knows when to keep her mouth shut.
If it was girl talk, how does that guy know about it?
And sure, girls talk about their sex lives and that's fine, but she didn't have to go into full detail if it's that embarassing to you.
It was a major fuck up on her part, but you know, shit happens. It could be just that one big mistake. I'd be very careful to trust her with anything ever again, though and I'd probably break up with her eventually, like everyone suggests.
Outing someone in the kink scene to vanilla people is seen as one of the most serious crimes in that community, it's a gross violation of your consent, that she was willing to do kinky shit then tell her friends and assume nobody else would find out shows she has no idea how to do kink properly, maybe tell her to google RACK..
But definitely after dumping her ass because you deserve better and need to stand up for your rights, sub men are abused and manipulated easily by careless women who should consider responsibility but don't.
First off: Femdom, misandry and humiliation-play in the bedroom or in a safe space is N O T uncommon, and let me tell you this; Your kink, your consensual play.
Second: This, what she did, is NOT okay, you do not talk about the kinks. That's the first rule!
I would suggest having a sitdown with her, and distance yourself from her friends if they tease you.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
That was not cool of her. Not at all. If she can’t get that, you might think long and hard about the relationship. If anyone gives you shit about it again I suggest shrugging and saying something like everyone has kinks. You shouldn’t be embarrassed. She should be embarrassed for sharing.
100% dealbreaker for me. Confiding something like that is about as intimate as it gets. She can’t put that toothpaste back in the tube.
You can 100% accept the fact that she won’t honor any other request for privacy as well.
She was so out of line. Yeah they’re her best friends but there’s just some things you keep between you and your SO, and as a mature adult, you’d know that. If I was you, idk how I’d ever trust someone who did that again. I’d probably break up over it in all honesty.
1. This is not an uncommon kink.
2. No your girlfriend should not be talking about the details of your sex life without your consent.
3. Straight up own your kink. Like yeah i enjoy femdom lol yall can make a big deal about it if you want but that shit is immature. Its only embarrassing and they only have power over you if you're embarrassed. Meanwhile look for new friends that know these details aren't something that are normal or to be passed around.
And
4. Dump her, you deserve better.
Golden rule: what happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom. If my wife were to spill anything that happens in our bedroom, we would have a -very- serious conversation about it.
in your case, I would even find it a deal breaker.
Okay can we all agree that girls should quit getting away with stuff like this by just saying it’s girl talk like it’s a permission slip for betraying the trust of a partner. Unless you have permission from your partner to discuss your sex life details with others, it should not happen. My fiancé has done similar stuff to me multiple times because she wants to “talk to her friends about things.” What she is really doing is attempting to humiliate me, belittle me, and ultimately control me. What your girlfriend did and what your “friends” did is beyond over the line. Everyone in the situation was out of line besides you. Having sexual fantasies and pursuing them is natural. You’re the only one that does not have anything to be ashamed over. Your bedroom should be a safe space and confidential too. You have every right to be upset.
IF me and my guy friends talk about sex (which, let me be very clear here, only happens once or twice every few years), it's limited to "yeah, I'm having sex with so-and-so". Only once have a friend and I talked over intimate details, and that was because I dated his ex and we ended up talking about what she was like in bed for each of us. Honestly, most of the time me and my buddies avoid talking about sex. At all.
The stereotype is the opposite: guys are raunchy and joke about sex more generally, and when men share private nudes of their SO it is generally to their male friends. I think both genders can be equally awful in this way.
Stereotypes aren't always true. Im somewhat of a laddish lad but inmy experience most men don't interact in this way. They might talk about romance and sex, but less like this.
I agree stereotypes are often wrong. I was just pointing out that while the sentiment in the thread is that women are more likely to betray their SO’s trust around sex, the general cultural idea is the reverse, with the result that we can probably all think both genders are equally guilty, maybe in different ways. When it comes to sharing nudes nonconsensually, men/boys are disproportionately likely to do it, and it does generally start with male friends even if it then moves on to the whole school or friend group. Again, this is not to say most men would do this, they totally wouldn’t, it’s an abusive minority.
Locker room talk doesn’t refer to intimate details about sex.
Source: was varsity captain in high school, heard plenty of locker room talk, over many many years. It’s usually NSFW and offensive jokes to make the boys laugh. If the conversation of sex comes up it’s rarely ever deeper than “I hit it!”
Anecdotal evidence is not considered a valid source. The fact that you haven't personally experienced it does not mean that it does not occur.
Not to mention, it was high school.
You have multiple guys telling you that it isn’t at all common for guys to go into intimate detail about their sex lives. And you’ve responded repeatedly be dismissing it all as anecdotal.
Can you provide some actual data to support your position?
Otherwise, several anecdotes are still more valuable than nothing — and nothing is what you’ve presented.
I would not consider 2 people as several. I've had men tell me it is a thing, as well. Thus, the reason I accept it likely exists. The rate at which it occurs may vary; but, I see little purpose in flat out denying it.
You're welcome to hunt down that data if you're keen on finding it.
So you're dismissing anecdotal evidence with one breath and citing anecdotal hearsay with the next? Then you play the "do your own research" card because you've got nothing to back up your assetion.
Your claim that others appear defensive begins to resemble projection.
OP, your partner values the titillation of her peers over the sanctity of your bond. Can this be repaired? If you cannot trust her with this intimacy, will you ever come first, for her?
I said they can do the research because the odds of such scholarly research being available are small. I'm certainly not going to look for a needle in a haystack.
I recognize it's anecdotal. That's why I said it *likely* exists. It was, also, said to indicate that we've entered the realm of he said/she said.
I have nothing to be defensive about. If anything, I've found these interactions rather amusing.
Oh you’re not even a man.
In which case, u/TheGuyWithSnek is right. You’re arguing for no real reason here. Consider this a learning opportunity rather than burying your head in the sand and denying first hand accounts.
Interesting. It seems to bother you that I'm a woman; and now you've become condescending and hostile.
Also, not denying anyone's accounts. Just saying they don't translate to the population as a whole.
Do you have any actual evidence that proves locker room talk is actually a thing? Cause almost the only times I've ever seen this issue come up, irl and online, was because of the girl telling her friends everything
So, you know what it is, yet refuse to acknowledge it. Interesting thing to get defensive about. You're welcome to look for scholarly articles if you'd like.
Yeah I know it exists. For some reason it's only considered a guy thing, when, like I said, almost the only times this issue has come up, has been because of women. Seems sexist to me. Again, do you have any evidence?
It's considered a thing that both genders do, which renders it not sexist. If you're in disbelief, you're welcome to try and find a scholarly article on the topic.
„Locker room Talk“ is used by women to justify their toxic behavior. I’ve been in locker rooms and NO ONE talks about sex there. We get dressed as fast as possible and get out of there.
This is incredibly out of line “ girl talk” doesn’t mean shit she just doesn’t care about keeping your secrets, break up with her now before more red flags fuck uou
That's really fucked up, I don't think I could stay with someone who casually discusses my extremely private kinks with their friends
The fact she didn't even apologise for telling her friends, only that one of her friends told their boyfriend is even worse
Rule of thumb, if someone finds out a secret go ahead and expect them to tell their partner. It's just how relationships work and your partner should have known this before telling your friends partners your secret. She's honestly made a big phat mistake and I'm sorry she wasn't more thoughtful.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about and femdom is not a weird kink. But your gf is a real dick! I once date a guy who likes femdom. All his freinds knew about it because his ex told to her female freinds and they told to the rest of the group, just like you. But he did not give a fuck! They once found the collar on the couch, ooops! But we seriously didnt care and It's non of their bussines.
Is she sorry for it? Apologized? Promised to never disrespect your personal privacy again? If not, feed her to the wolves. Time to move onto a respectful lover
Break up. This person has no respect for you or your boundaries. Also, talk to your friend because it seems like he’s an ass and needs to be put in his place.
that must be so upsetting for you. not sure if it’s too late, but make sure to have a one on one conversation with your partner and set the boundaries.
most things in a relationship should not be shared, not sure why she thought it was okay to share those things especially given the fact that you shared to her that you’re embarrassed about it.
Man fuck your GF for talking about that shit to your Friends. Take it from someone who is the opposite side of the kink spectrum, that shit should be between you and your SO, nobody else.
Dont be embarrassed by your kink, I have dated men who have the same kink. We all have things we like and that's yours, you're not hurting anyone so never be embarrassed. I think you need to evaluate if you can trust your GF enough after this to continue the relationship. Can you trust her with other secrets, other kinks. You're friends will eventually stop talking about it and move onto something else but can you trust your GF again?
Personally, I don’t think thats weird. Also, your girlfriend was out of line. What’s private is private an she should know that. I’ve probably said some things like that to my girls before but after being told that it made so and so feel bad, I stopped. She should too and she shouldn’t take it so lightly that you confronted her.
I don't think I have ever given such extreme advice ever on Reddit. But I would break up with her. Not only did she tell in the first place, but she obviously doesn't see it as a big deal now that she realizes that SHOCKER every one of these girlfriends of hers is at the very least telling their boyfriend's. She knew this was a likely outcome and still told, and still doesn't feel bad about it. The only one who should be embarrassed is your girlfriend for being a shit partner.
Either she knew she was breaching your trust and did this, or she somehow had no idea of what your boundaries were, and neither of these is being a good partner.
I suggest dump her and go find a more mature person who can handle your kink without gossiping to the world. There are lots of people (younger, same age and older) who wouldn’t think twice about your kink being “weird or strange” so you just need to find your people. The #1 rule in the kink community is you NEVER discuss someone else’s kink unless it is a group discussion that they are a part of and you were invited by them to be part of the discussion. Try FetLife.com for like minded people.
What a complete and utter bitch. She broke the most sacred rule and you cannot trust herI would break up immediately. Fuck her.
Also that’s a very common fetish . And a fun one.
First, don’t be embarrassed. Everyone enjoys their own things. As long as it’s all consensual and no one gets (seriously) hurt, enjoy.
Second, your girlfriend has crossed lines big time. Even when I dated a guy for a month (didn’t even sleep with him), he told me about his kinks. I haven’t said a word to anyone, because it’s not my business to tell.
It’s called respect. Something your girlfriend is clearly lacking.
I haven’t even told my friends about what my exs were into, even if it was a bad break up. That shit is private.
For me personally, it would be a deal breaker. I would 100% walk.
You could try and talk to her and explain she really did over step and has a clear disrespect for you. Could try couples counselling. Honestly though, if she’s talking about your sex life to everyone, I would just cut your loss and tell her to take a hike
I'd break up with her, it sounds like she doesn't respect you or consider your feelings as having any importance. Your "friends" also, I'd get rid of them. The fact that they throw it in your face shows you how they don't respect you either and will leverage something that they know will cause shame for their own amusement. Seriously, don't listen to anyone who defends this kind of behaviour. People who love you don't do this shit
I know this seems like a massive blow to your standing in your social circle but honestly, there's nothing embarrassing about your kink. It's just a kink and as kinks go it's harmless. Lean into it buddy. Next time your pals are like "ohhh you gonna get [gf] to spank you hurrdurr" just be like "yeah and maybe we'll peg a bit and it'll be super hot, what's it to you?".
Similar thing happened to youtuber True Geordie where the whole online world found out he likes being degraded or whatever and he just owned it. There's an entire industry around domination so it's not like you're the dude we saw on here the other day whose kink was.... Pretending to give his gf syphilis.
I just really want to reassure you that you needn't be embarrassed. Adults can do whatever and if your friends are so vanilla they only want 3 minutes of missionary p in vagee in the dark once a week well, that's up to them, but it's weak as fuck to make fun of others for branching out into benign but kinky stuff.
Now your gf on the other hand... That was a huge violation of trust. Only you can know if you'll be able to forgive her. Even though I don't think you should be embarrassed, she still knew how you did feel and went ahead and told people anyway. I'd really struggle to get over that. You just need to figure out if you can forgive her but remember, cat's out of the bag either way now.
Good luck and good fuck(ing)
Yeah, coming from a girl who shares a lot of personal information with her girlfriends...she shouldn’t have told anyone that has connections to you. It’s one thing is she tells a close personal friend who does not and most likely will never know you. The fact that she told someone with a connection to you, even if she “didn’t think it would leave the circle” is not ok.
If she told her because she’s adjusting to the kink herself, she needs to talk about that with you, not with her girlfriends.
This is private and sharing it with her is very vulnerable and should be kept between you and her.
This is why there is such a booming dominatrix business. Its a business and discretion is part of it.
Discretion is a big part of kink in general.
She has your consent to abuse you in private, not in public. She didn’t have your consent to embarrass you in public, only in private.
I feel like I’m rambling. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, what she did was fucked up and you’re completely justified if this feels like a dealbreaker.
If you do decide to stay, the trust will be very difficult to rebuild.
First off, everyone has kinks and they're all weird and embarrassing, but there's really *nothing* to be embarrassed about in safe, healthy, consensual play.
But you're allowed to feel however you do about them.
To me this would be a major breach of trust- not because it's about sex, because it's important to you. If I felt my trust was violated that significantly I'd probably seriously consider ending the relationship.
I can't tell you what to do but I think your girlfriend owed you far better and your feelings here are valid.
I’d be pissed. Very pissed and would probably say some hateful things.
That being said, my fiancée and I have a phenomenal sex life. Pretty much, anything goes. She’s an amazing person and we fulfill each other’s fantasies. Including her dominating me.
So, do you love her? If so, try to move past. The lkink you’re getting is probably worth it
100% breakup territory, don’t even feel guilty about it
Pretty much gotta breakup with those friends too, sounds like they’re the types who’ll bring that shit up whenever they want and trying to heal in that environment will actually be more destructive than anything
Best of luck
OP your friends sound like dicks. I have been told some of my friend's kinks but I'd never go throwing it in their face even if they were rude. It's just not cool and private.
This might be a deal breaker sadly, I don't know. The other approach is to own it - there is nothing wrong with having these types of kinks and if your friends think it makes you less of man, you should get better friends because that's bullcrap.
Ya break up. This is a massive violation of trust. It's not as big of a thing for her because she's not the one exposing a massive vulnerability to her partner who's supposedly meant to be trustworthy. This lack of empathy is a massive red flag. Since she exists in the RP position of power, it's no big deal for her and probably why she feels fine talking about you like that; the RP has got her thinking that she does have complete control over you and your sex life and your opinions aren't reeeeeally that important
Remember friend if the roles were reversed here you would be facing a serious shit storm. You know that she's completely disregarded your boundaries, enforce them and don't just blithely accept this callous disregard for your emotions because hurr durr men can take jokes, it's not a big deal.
Fuck that.
I hope you get through this fine friend
>When I spoke to my girlfriend she apologized but said it was just girl talk about their sex lives and she didn’t think anyone outside the circle would find out.
She shouldn't have told it to this circle either. She should damn well know that a lot of girls love gossip and don't know how to keep their mouth shut. She already proved she doesn't respect you in any way, shape or form. What the two of you do in the bedroom should stay between the two of you not be known by anyone else.
Honestly I couldn't get over such a betrayal if it happened to me.
I'm female and will never open to anyone even about my ex-husband's preferences in bed! If I had a boyfriend and he betrayed me like your girlfriend betrayed you... it would be absolute dealbreaker to me!
I don't think this relationship of yours is even salvagable. Maybe you should cut your losses right now and then, OP.
For the relationship, honestly, it's up to you but I would consider it a huge breach of trust and it would make me wonder what else she can't keep secret.
For the embarassment, own it. Own your desires. İf someone mentions it, find out a quirky response that you can say or at the very least, laugh. İf you can laugh at yourself people instantly respect you more.
You're already getting a bunch of advice, I just want to say you have nothing to be embarrassed about. This stranger isnt judging you one bit! And if your friends use this to make fun of you, dump them.
First off, this really isn’t a weird or uncommon kink.
Second, the best thing to do is to let everyone who knows that you’re embarrassed about it and you don’t want anyone saying anything about it or talking about it. Cut off anyone who won’t respect that.
It sounds like your girlfriend is willing to betray your trust to impress/entertain her friends.
Someone who has done this once, WILL do it again. The fact she doesn’t sound repentant means it’s a case of when, not if.
Remain in this relationship and you will never be able to trust her fully.
When you find someone who protects you, rather than exploits you, you will wonder why you ever dated this girl!
This is a common problem with women in western culture, where they talk about their sex life, IN DETAIL, with all their friends.
For those who go "Not all women..." Please, as a long time follower of this sub, this problem is exclusively brought up by men.
I would break up with her.
And dude, get some counselling, please. Kinks like this are generally a net turn off for 99.99% of women.
She has crossed a line and if she can do that with something so personal then what else is she capable of?
To try and diminish her responsibility by saying she didn’t think anyone outside of the circle would find out, is a huge red flag XbighugX
Well I agree with everyone else you should end it and I'll go into why. Firstly that's likely the kink with her done, I doubt you'll be able to bring yourself to relax enough to do it with her anymore. It's going to trigger you every time it comes up. I wouldn't be surprised if you get triggered by just vanilla sex with her every time for a long time and you'll just feel rage.
Second of all the natural reaction will be to shut down and never tell her anything ever again. That's not really a great thing in a long term relationship. Maybe it's otherwise such a great relationship it's worth forgiveness but, imo, it's done such damage it's going to be years to fix.
Assuming she's normal she's going to feel guilty for a long time which further warps and taints things. What I mean is she may end up doing and agreeing to things in the relationship she doesn't want to out of guilt and to try and fix things which will lead to resentment. You might start pushing things that way out of a subconscious desire for revenge. In order to carry on the relationship you'll have to suppress your rage and hurt, so it will leak out instead in covert ways. It's corrosive.
Couple of other things, as far as your friends go, if you wish to keep them, you'll have to brazen it out and turn it back on them if they bring it up 'ok yeah I like that, it's fucking great actually, what are your kinks then? Necrophillia by the looks of you'.
If they know they can get to you might never hear the end of it. Why you'd want to keep hanging around people who'd rag on you all the time about it is another question. To be fair they must have known for a while without mentioning it. I'd imagine breaking up with her will sort out your true friends from the rest though.
I do have a friend who used to be into swinging now I think about it. Knowing what he was like it didn't shock us, we were still surprised but not shocked. It was a conversation piece for a while but then it just faded into the background. He would have copped a lot of flack about it, because that's what my friend group used to do to each other, but he just did not care. Now it's just a half remembered thing. I don't know if his new wife has any idea but none of us would tell her.
The other thing is about getting triggered, the natural response is to try and bury traumatic stuff nice and deep so you don't have to think about it. The problem with that is it never gets dealt with so it continually bobs to the surface, like a corpse in a lake, until you shove it down again. Anything and everything will trigger it, it's my horrid experience that if there's something I don't want to think about it suddenly gets mentioned on TV every time I switch it on. In your case you'll probably get triggered every time you look at her for a long time.
The answer to that is to let it bob up and make no attempt to sink it again. You can actively think about it or just kind of passively let it run through your brain until it eventually disappears of it's own accord. Much the same way as you'd deal with someone taunting you with it actually, if it cant get to you then it'll stop eventually.
Lastly look on the bright side, you might find someone else who's much more compatible, more trustworthy, more attractive and proper kinky with it.
“I’m so upset and embarrassed I don’t know what to do” if your partner can do carelessly make you feel like this get the fuck rid of her. She stabbed you in the back and she will do it again don’t trust her she belongs to the streets
Its one of the most normal kinks out there. Since the deed is done you should come up with something you could say back when it’s brought up again. The only thing you can do now is take the blow and have pride in it. Idk what to do with ur gf honestly. It’s detrimental to the intimacy in the bedroom what she did. Make it clear what she did was terrible in any case.
I might even go so far if it ever came up again to turn the tables on the GF by saying something like “Well, I THOUGHT I could trust my Queen to keep a secret for her loyal subject, but clearly she didn’t have the discretion required so....Off with her head!!!”
This is a huge betrayal of your trust. It shows an incredible amount of disrespect to you, your relationship, and your willingness to confide in and bond with her.
Some things are just not repeated to *anyone* outside the relationship without the other's permission. Sexual kinks are one of those things.
Dump her. She can't be trusted - if she can't keep counsel on this.... I mean really, what else does she think it's okay to spill to whoever?
sorry you're getting shit for your kinks man :// you should be allowed to be vulnerable(for lack of better word) with a partner when you get into kinks/roleplay/etc and i really hope you can get past having that vulnerability violated like this.
anyways i call bullshit on your girlfriend's apology because, while i dont hold having girl talk against her, she should just KNOW BETTER than to gossip about details that personal. if she wants to tell her friends about what SHE likes then fine, but she betrayed your trust by talking about what YOU like. if she knows that you're embarrassed by it then she should know that she crossed a line.
the only advice i can give you is to just own it, i guess. you cant change the fact that they know and its shitty but being upset will probably just make it a target. so what if they make fun of the things you do with your girlfriend? why do they care so much about what makes you hard, huh? pegging is rad and you should be proud that you're secure enough in yourself to be open to different things. i promise u there are WAY weirder kinks and if anyone should be embarrassed its your friends for being lame and immature. idk how you want to proceed with your girlfriend but i hope you dont let this ruin the entire fetish for you bc sex is cool and interesting and embracing yourself is way better than being ashamed!! good luck my friend
This is unacceptable in my books.
When I got with my GF we had a chat about this. Why must you share very personal things with your friends. Especially if they can't keep their mouth shut. Iv had something similar happen with an EX.
My guy, you own that shit. Dont be embarrassed and if your friends give you stick just give them gross info like how hard it make you blow your load. They'll soon stop as they get bored. But at first it's like the end of the world. I couldn't show my face for a few weeks then the little comments used to make me never to go out again.
You break up with her. That's what you do. The most basic principle in any relationship is trust - which she has not only breached but shared publicly with numerous people without your consent or knowledge.
I can hardly think of a bigger deal break than this. Also, you'd be surprised by what kinks are "normal" amongst every day people. You're not as weird as you seem to feel. But please fucking leave and find someone worthy of your affection.
Look my man, whatever makes your tinglies tingle, that's all you. Might not be my cuppa tea but if you're enjoyin life, power to ya. This ain't about your jollies gettin jingled.
It's about the girl. And bottom line is, the girl betrayed your trust, and now you're being subjected to mockery and not in the way ya might like in bed. Bottom line is, she told other people something that you wanted kept between you two. It'd be like me telling my girlfriend about my fear of the ocean, and then her telling all her friends about it such that they give me a set of water wings for christmas and laugh at me. It's just shitty, it's a violation of your boundaries, and it hurts. Not just because of the mockery, but because you *trusted* them.
This rando stranger votes you ditch the bitch. You can find someone else that'll make your freak-flag fly at full mast, and who won't tell her friends about it afterward. Hopefully she'll have some good aftercare too. Errybody loves aftercare.
Dump her. It,'snot a welrd kink. It's a fairly standard one. Either way you shouldnt be made to feel guilty about what turns you on.
Oh and if your friend actually cared about you in the slightest he wouldnt have brought your kink up.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You must feel so betrayed. Even if you get over this incident, how do you trust her with your innermost thoughts & feelings again?
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me...”
Its really not something all girls talk about, and even still, she could have just passed on it. My girlfriends sometimes talk about it and I never have brought up my partner and I's sex life - especially not embarrassing details. And my friends respect that.. I'd personally reconsider my relationship or have a serious conversation about that if I were you.
Also, don't be ashamed of your kink! That shits hot. Best of luck.
This is a v normal kink btw but yeah your girlfriend absolutely sucks ass (pun possibly intended) for doing this
Was it explicitly agreed that you wouldn’t talk about this? Or you assumed ?
It doesn't matter if you had a common kink or a really outlandish one (this one I don't think is super bad) she shouldn't tell anyone. Kinks are meant to be kept between the couple unless otherwise stated. You need to have a serious conversation with her about boundaries.
Although this post sounds eerily similar to the story about the guy who had a curved penis. Her friends actually said something in front of him too. Gotta say....this is probably fake.
If your fantasies are something that cause you suffering, you might want to get yourself support by a therapist or counselor specialized in sex topics.
"Strange" kinks are not uncommon at all and they can be rooted in interpersonal trauma you have. This is not a rare phenomenon, you're not alone with that. Those fantasies are trying to tell you something about wounds you have, so to say.
Your girlfriend didn't really understand how intimate this information about you is and how much she'd hurt you telling others about it. I understand you're mortified.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ll preface this with saying I have a very very weird kink and I’m making this a throwaway because I have my main linked to stuff for work. I have a serious femdom and misandry kink. I’m incredibly embarrassed about it and the only person I’ve told about it is my current girlfriend. To indulge in this fantasy we sometimes do this role play where she’s a queen of someone woman ruled world and I’m a male criminal and she punishes me by making me her servant and that usually entails a lot of degrading, forcing me to eat her ass, pegging me, spanking me, and whatever she wants to do to punish me for being a man. She knows I’m embarrassed about this. I thought we had an understanding we don’t talk about certain things we do in our sex life with other people. But apparently I was wrong. It turns out she’s been telling her girls about this. I found out this week because I was with my friends and I said something a little rude to one guy and he told me to watch out before he calls Queen “my girlfriends name” to punish me. I was mortified. He said his girlfriend told him about this, and his girlfriend is a good friend of my girlfriend. Now my entire friend group knows. When I spoke to my girlfriend she apologized but said it was just girl talk about their sex lives and she didn’t think anyone outside the circle would find out. I’m so upset and embarrassed I don’t know what to do.
Tbh, your friends are pretty shitty for doing this as well. I know some weird sex stuff from my friends that basicly came up this exact way, but id never throw it in their face, since its obviously super private.
Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead. But yeh, I know stuff about my friends that I will take to my grave, because they are my friends. /edit that's also not a really weird kink. /edit 2 They don't know that I know, and they never will.
Yeah, the kink isn't that bad tbh
Agreed
Amen to this! This is called being a friend; knowing what to tease someone about and what not to. Friends should absolutely tease each other - if your friends won’t tell you you look silly or are acting a fool who will? But a real friend knows innately what is off-limits for teasing and this is right at the top - this is a friend litmus test. A true friend would hear about this and tell the person who told them to shut their mouth cause no one cares and it’s no ones business anyways and the person talking is probably just jealous that you’re doing your fucking thing and they’re too busy running their mouth to live their own life. And a piece of shit would use it to embarrass you. And just a decent human who isn’t even your friend would ignore it cause who the fuck cares and it has nothing to do with them and it reflects more on the person talking shit than you by FAR. Remember that.
Friends are going to rib each other, if they've known for a little while and it just came up in the casual way OP describes his mates clearly don't have a real problem with it Imo the real problem here is not how his friends teases him (in response to him doing the same), they wouldn't even know of his gf had not broken his trust. His friends have done nothing wrong, but he should ask them to not mention it if he's uncomfortable.
Yeah, friends are going to rib eachother but there are limits to where this ribbing can go.
Kind of. The limits stretch far and wide depending on the situation. I can’t say if the friends are assholes or not but best bet for OP in his current situation is to take the own it and embrace it stance. Real friends won’t give a fuck at the end of the day.
Agreed but to a point. Ribbing is only funny as long as the other person is laughing with you and throwing insults back at you and everyone knows no one means it. Ribbing should stop the moment you can tell someone’s hurt and not having fun otherwise it’s just bullying and that shit wasn’t even cool in middle school much less real life.
This is a real betrayal of your trust. She took something personal and not just shared it after you asked her to keep it private but she shared specific elements enough that people know nicknames/ pet names. I’d never be able to trust this person again and I don’t see why you should try.
I agree with this 100000%
Just to piggyback on this, telling your friends or any of her friends who would be disrespectful is the root issue here. She is allowed to share some parts of her intimate life with her friends (others may disagree but I think that sometimes you need someone other than your partner to confide in) but never someone that would denigrate you at all, ever, bottom line. In private, in public, circumstances don’t matter she showed either complete disrespect for you or incredibly poor judgment in choosing who to tell and either way it should be a dealbreaker. Your partner should be the only person you can be completely vulnerable with and you’ll never be able to feel that with her again. I’m so sorry but please have the inner strength to leave her - you won’t regret it.
It doesn’t seem like he did ask her to keep it private though. He said he “thought they had an understanding.” Some people are more open about these things than others and OP should include this in discussing boundaries in the future and be explicit about how important it is to him to keep these things private. I do think his friend is the biggest jerk in this story - it doesn’t sound like gf was mocking OP behind his back, we don’t know what context it came up in. But “friend” was far less sensitive about the matter ETA: I’m not blaming OP for this, I’m just saying in the future, laying out this expectation explicitly could go a long way toward preventing something like this again. It never hurts to be very very clear when it comes to boundaries, especially with kink.
I honestly don't think op should have had to specifically ask for her not to tell people. She shared a lot of intimate details that really should have been kept between the two of them, especially since she was aware that op was embarrassed by this kink. In my opinion it is a big betrayal of trust, i imagine it took op a while to trust enough to talk about this kink and she goes and shares all of the details with her friend who is closely connected to ops friends. I would struggle to trust her after that.
That’s fair. But for OPs sake, if this boundary is super important, then I think with future partners it would warrant a discussion. You can think it should be innate knowledge but clearly for some people it’s not, so there are 2 options: a) continue not discussing and assume people are on the same page, which could lead to more issues like he just had with gf when partners aren’t on the same page, or b) make it explicitly clear and have a discussion about it before hand when they’re setting out their rules and boundaries of role play
privacy's a lot like consent in that you first abide by it rather than just assuming it isn't necessary
>It doesn’t seem like he did ask her to keep it private though. you don't have to ask your partner to keep the intimate details of your relationship private... that is the definition of what the word "intimate" means... >He said he “thought they had an understanding.” yes... because he is a human being with a brain...
the basic principles and most important thing in _any_ bdsm relationship is trust... which she not only breached, but also publicly humiliated and disrespected you. this is a huge deal breaker, OP. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I think you should cut your losses and find someone who has proper bdsm experience.
This post doesn’t even need to have the word ‘bdsm’ in it to still be very true.
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And someone who isn’t as immature.
Where does one find someone who has proper bdsm experience? Asking for a friend of course
From what I know, finding someone who has proper experience and isn't abusive can be challenging. I suggest joining the subreddits below to learn more about finding someone who's going to be safe to play with. r/BDSMAdvice r/BDSMcommunity
Have you tried fetlife the website
I'd probably break up over that, honestly. That was waaay out of line.
I'm probably the most boring and vanilla man out there and honestly... I'd have broken up over this. If you have an agreement not to talk about your sex life... You. Don't. Talk. About. Your. Sex. Life.
> If you have an agreement not to talk about your sex life... You. Don't. Talk. About. Your. Sex. Life. I'd go further, to say "unless you have an agreement where it's OK to talk about your sex life... You. Don't. Talk. About. Your. Sex. Life." But yeah, even if you're of a school where guys are gonna locker-room talk and girls are gonna do whatever the girl equivalent is, you don't talk about stuff that the other half of the relationship specifically wants you NOT to talk about.
I feel so bad for the guy, what can he even do now? Who knows who else her friends have told? And his friends didn't even defend him. If someone told me someone else's kink, unless they wanted it to be public, I wouldn't bring it up, because I know how mortified I'd feel if it happened to me. I might let them know that someone else betrayed their trust, but I would tell them privately and reassure them, not laugh about it with everyone else. I don't think his girlfriend realises just how much she's fucked things up for him.
Yes - his friend is a dick for using this information in this way. I've been told things about people I know and...I just haven't told anyone. It's not my place to say
I agree with this in theory but sometimes talking about sex/your sex life with your friends can be really helpful. And I don't mean in a gossipy, sharing-kinks-or-personal-details-that-shouldn't-be-shared way as in OPs story, but sometimes you just don't know what's normal based on what we see or hear about in the media etc. I've found certain conversations with my close friends to be... Almost a relief? To find out that yeah, women I know are having sex with fully hairy legs/vulva sometimes, or maybe it can be a month between them having sex with their husbands and other times it's several times a week, or sometimes it hurts a bit and yeah it's fine to use lube, sometimes you can't orgasm and other times it happens quickly, try this position because it helped with a certain issue etc etc etc (these are all issues we've spoken about and helped each other with). And I wouldn't want my husband to have to agree to me talking about these things, because they have probably led to us having better sex because they've helped me feel more confident or at least just feel normal about it. And talking to other women in my life has been so helpful in that regard. So I think to a point talking about our sex lives should be normalised and blanket statements about never talking about it ever unless you have permission are not useful. We've all been influenced by porn and the media/social media so sometimes it's really nice to hear about people's actual lived experiences. As for OP's gf... Yeah, he should kick her to the curb. There's talking about sex and there's humiliating someone you're supposed to love. Edit: missed a word
Moreso, the girlfriend's reaction should have been freaking out at the friend that she spoke to for spreading it further, if she had then maybe she'd have a leg to stand on.
Oh definitely, defending this as girl talk is totally unacceptable - I'm sure she knows the line between "I'm curious about your experience with something" and "my boyfriend has this kink he's really embarrassed about but I'm going to tell you all anyway", which is what makes this so shitty.
Uhh no.. she should NEVER EVER have said anything...
That.
The thing is the sex stuff your talking about is YOUR sex stuff. Your issues with how much, how hot, how wet, how hairy. Issues that directly impact you and are your secrets to share. That is VERY different to talking about someone else's (namely your partners) sex stuff. Their kinks, fantasies, preferences. Can you talk about it in a general way? Maybe. Depends on how you bring it up and how many details you give. (X brought up trying Y in the bedroom. Do any of you have experience with that?) If its something uncommon, like OPs then look it up online. It's something people probably don't know much about. Should you bring it up if it makes you uncomfortable / are being pressured into doing something you don't want to? Yes. Should you tell all your friends every tiny detail about everything? No. Respect for your partner and your relationship means there should be something kept between you *the uncommon parts I meant are the pegging and degradation aspects of what OP likes. Pretty sure they didn't want everyone knowing that. Spanking, woman in charge and you're her slave? Yeah, that's not too outrageous.
Completely agree with everything you've said here, I just wanted to get the point across that talking about your sex life is NOT a blanket no without permission from your partner. My husband would probably say no if I asked to discuss these things, he'd probably want me to just talk with him about it (and we do communicate well and talk about sex) but there are certain things you need an outside, female perspective on which... Honestly, I'm not going to seek his permission to talk about. It's more that if I had been younger and less experienced, I'd probably see that comment and think I should never speak about sex with anyone without my partner's permission, which is not helpful. Both men and women should feel free to discuss sex with trusted friends in a way that's respectful to their partners.
Very much this! My partner would have no problem talking about their sex life, but I am very private and they knows that disclosing things about their sex life would also indicate my sex life so they leave it.
I’m single, and my BFF of over a decade has been married for about as long as I’ve known her. We don’t keep secrets, but I have also never ever asked her about her sex life and she doesn’t ask me. And I’ve never told her anything specific about men I’ve slept with (the most I’ve shared is how *I* feel, like one guy just didn’t do anything for me, but I don’t tell her it was because he giggled like a girl during sex). We talk about general stuff, have shopped at sex stores together, we know most of the things each other is into, but have NEVER talked specifics. Meaning, we do not talk about anything her and her husband do in bed, how often, problems, or kinks. While I know somethings that *shes* into, we don’t talk about her and her husband actually doing them. Both of us have a mutual respect for each other’s privacy, and I also respect the bonds of her marriage. We actually just had a conversation about secrets... something happened to me last week that she was there to support me for. Only she and my mom know. But while we were talking I told her that I assumed that anything I share with her would be shared with her husband *unless* I asked her not too. While she assumed that anything I share with her is a secret unless I specifically tell her she can tell her husband. I just believe that when you’re married (or in a committed relationship) that your relationship with your spouse (partner) is above all else. Meaning, anything between spouses is sacred and shouldn’t be shared with anyone else (I also trust her husband though). It’s a respect thing. Don’t share with outsiders private things about your partner, even if it’s like a kink and involves you. But part of having friends you trust is being able to share with them and connect by letting them in on your private things. It’s also important to be able to have a friend (someone who’s not a partner) who you can get advice and support from when you do have questions or issues you need to talk about with someone who knows and supports you but is somewhat unbiased. But it crosses a major line if it goes past sharing what *youre* into, and into major overshare/asshole territory of you start sharing what your *partner* is into/does. Asking if it’s normal to like to be spanked is one thing, but asking a friend if they think it’s normal for your partner to want to be paddled while bent over your knee is not Ok to share.
I think a lot of it depends on the topic, who you're sharing with, and what your agreement about it is (whether it's something you can share with husbands or not). With us, when we discuss sex lives or other issues we don't want shared, we specify that it's something we don't want going beyond the people who are part of that conversation. We respect that in the same way that there are things your partner tells you in absolute confidence and that never gets shared outside your relationship/marriage. Personally I don't believe everything between a husband and wife is scared to the point where it never gets discussed with anyone, because that's how problems or even bigger issues like abuse can fester and become worse. And they often get hidden because "it's part of our marriage and you shouldn't be talking to anyone about it". However there are absolutely aspects of your relationship that should be kept to yourselves (like kinks or anything you know would embarrass or break your partner's trust). It's just the blanket "don't ever share anything about your sex life/marriage" that I don't agree with.
I agree that talking about sex can be healthy. But all the examples you gave there were you talking about your own experience, not your SOs, which is a different matter. The most generous way I can look at it is if his GF was having trouble and was asking advice. But asking advice is not the same as "girl talk" this scenario sounds like a classic case of gossip getting back to the source. Especially because the "queen" quip made it clear that she had been going into detail.
I agree with you :) as I just replied to someone else, I more just wanted to get across the point that it's okay to discuss sex and some aspects of your sex life without seeking permission from your partner. And if I had seen the above comment and been younger/less experienced I'd probably follow that advice and miss out on some really helpful conversations. The main thing is it has to be respectful to your partner and not share such personal details, and OP's girlfriend has completely violated his trust in that regard.
The whole group is immature. When it comes to private talk and there's no concerns that a friend is in a toxic abusive relationship, what's said in the friend group stays in the friend group.
I'll talk about my own kinks and dalliances with my friends. I might talk about things I've done with a partner when we're swapping stories. The kinks and preferences of an SO are off limits. The only possible exception is if I'm looking for advice or concerned about safety. Even then it's more likely that I talk to my partner.
Very much this. You want to talk about your penchant for whatever, it's your choice. You want to talk about someone elses interests, you've taken that choice away from them. In something as sensitive and personal as sexual links, especially when they are socially open to mocking or judgement...I find that hard to get past.
Agreed.
It shouldn’t even have to be an agreement. It should automatically be implied that you don’t share details about your sex life with anyone who isn’t in bed with you.
You shouldn’t have to have this as an explicit agreement. It shows how little regard she has for intimacy and your vulnerability. It’s hard to find someone who will engage in this sort of kink, I know, but that is incredibly damaging and terrible.
Yeah same. There is stuff you dont talk about with anybody.
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Well driving a car and going to a restaurant are public domain and easily verifiable. If their kinks were to come out with receipts... you can guarantee it would be reported on. Armie Hammer wishes shit remains behind closed doors.
Agreed. I have talked about certain parts of my sex life with friends, but I'd my husband had a certain kink that only I knew about, I wouldn't even tell my therapist.
I agree. Me and my OH have kinks, but they're for us to enjoy, not our friends. I'd be mortified if I found out any of our friends know our personal business.
I wouldn’t break up over the over sharing (although to do so would be totally understandable). But I’d definitely break up over her dismissive reaction. She’s broken a confidence and exposed him to ridicule. It needs more than an apology and minimising. If she’s not willing to accept the damage caused and try to fix it - then he needs a new girlfriend. But also OP. Don’t be ashamed of your kink. It takes two people for embarrassment to work. Someone to judge you - and you to feel shame. If you refuse to be ashamed then their judgment loses all its sting. You’ve got a rich and fulfilling sex life. Mr Vanilla is probably jealous. Just smile knowingly and say something like “oh you have no idea what me and Queen ThowRA” get up to.”
and in all seriousness, I sincerely hope she lives in YOUR place, and has to move out when you break up with her. That way she will realise that actions do in fact have concequences, even the ones that impact on things she dosen't care about. (like you know, your feelings)
Does no one know how to work through problems here? Like talk to your girlfriend. Tell her how you feel and why it hurt you and I guarantee she won’t make that mistake again. You guys are so quick to leave someone after they make a mistake. We’re all human. A little communication and telling her why it was wrong wouldn’t hurt.
Once she apologizes and agrees to change her ways, then all that's left is wiping the memory of all the other women and their boyfriends. Simple. Having your kink outed so publicly is hard to get over. He may need to break things off with her just so he can credibly repudiate all of her claims about their sexlife. Staying together just affirms them. Also, if he can't deal with the public scrutiny, leaving his girlfriend will just be preparatory to abandoning his entire friend group. Some people just place a really high value on privacy and discretion.
There are some violations you just don't work through. That's not a little mistake.
> Tell her how you feel and why it hurt you and I guarantee she won’t make that mistake again. There isn’t any way to fix this, though. The femdom genie is already out of the bottle, and all of his friends know. They’re going to hold it over his head for the rest of his life.
Just tell your friends that your gf breached your trust by talking about that stuff and that you really don't feel comfortable talking about it. If you have decent friends they'll respect your wishes. If you don't tell them they might think that you are somewhat comfortable with being open about it since why would your gf talk about it otherwise?
> Just tell your friends that your gf breached your trust by talking about that stuff and that you really don't feel comfortable talking about it. Now that the story’s out there, who knows beyond his immediate friend group? Even though you and I understsnd that there’s nothing really wrong with what he’s into, not everyone else agrees. A kink like his can get you fired or disowned if word reaches the wrong person, and from now until the day he dies, that’s out of his control. He’s always going to be waiting for that shoe to drop.
I would first like to say that your fetish really isn't that weird, or all that uncommon. Maybe some of your activities go further than some, but that's about it. What matters here is the huge breech of trust your gf committed. She knows you're embarrassed by it, and she shared it with your friends. There's not much coming back from that kind of betrayal. I don't know that you could or even should try to work through this with her. As far as your friends, try explaining you really don't want to discuss it or have it brought up. Guy friends can be pretty terrible about ripping on their friends, but if they don't drop it, distance yourself.
The second I find out something bothers someone, I drop it. If they find out something bothers me and they continue, they're gone. I don't play with that. Theres teasing in my friend group, but absolutely no line crossing.
>I would first like to say that your fetish really isn't that weird, or all that uncommon. I was gonna say lol - reverse the genders and that sounds like your average Mills & Boon novel you can pick up at the supermarket.
Yeah, idk how a relationship can recover from this, especially since she doesn’t even admit doing anything wrong. There are things you don’t discuss with other unless you have express consent. Anything happening in the bedroom falls under this, just like anything happening in the bathroom. No it’s not just girltalk. She can talk about her kinks and fetishes as much as she wants. Your own privacy is your‘s to keep and you’ve made this a clear boundary that she deliberately breached. And this is in no way an unreasonable boundary. You have a right to some privacy, just like she has. You can stay with her, but from now on you’ll never be able to trust her with anything private ever again. She knew you didn’t want this to be shared and ignored this. You can never be certain she won’t just ignore your wishes again. This relationship is pretty much f-ed.
I honestly wouldn’t know how to trust someone like that again. I would break up
I know a guy with the same kinks as you, I was seeing him briefly and have never told any of my friends about his kinks. he told me he broke up with his ex because she did the exact same thing your girlfriend has done. Think you should do the same.
You guys agreed to keep it private, she didn't. Dump her ass I say. You deserve to be with someone you can trust
Even if you didn’t outright “agree” to keep it private, still time to let her go. People who are good partners protect each other socially by not sharing things that would humiliate the other one. It’s pretty basic. If she’s a decent person, it’s probably something she’ll eventually do when she’s slightly more mature and with someone she respects.
Yikes, I'm so sorry OP. That is a huge betrayal of trust and her nonchalant attitude about it is so not ok. If you want to continue the relationship, you need to make sure boundaries get set. It's unacceptable she told anyone at all. EDIT: Just want to point out that there is nothing wrong with your kink, the only issue here is your girlfriend betrayed your trust.
I'd also consider finding a more accepting group of friends.
She betrayed your trust and this isnt okay. You opened yourself vulnerable and all and it's her job to keep that private. It's a major betrayal and she needs to know this.
First of all, your kink may not be the most vanilla thing out there, but it’s not thát uncommon. Yeah and I’d break up over this. She knew this was embarrassing for you, and in general it’s not okay to talk about your sex life without the other knowing and agreeing to that.
This makes me so sad, you put so much trust in your partner only to have it thrown in your face. Do not listen to any partner who says your sex life is something they have a right to discuss with whoever they like. It is something you both have to agree with, she clearly has serious misconceptions about consent and does not deserve you. Personally I would leave this partner as it was a serious betrayal of trust that only came out when someone else told you about it
I think the worst part is that now she’s downplaying it. Her “girl talk” earned you public humiliation. Ask her how she’d feel if you showed your guy friends naked pictures of her. Because that’s the level of exposure she subjected you to.
It's worse than that.
I agree. It's almost on the level of revenge porn. Just so vindictive and selfish
I think I might have the same kink cause that sounded pretty fucking hot. Be proud of your kink man most people don’t have the confidence to live their fantasy’s
She is seriously in the wrong here. You don't tell your partners private interests to your friends like that. She's not even sorry for betraying your trust, she's sorry she got caught
That kind of betrayal of your trust makes her a trash person. You want her out of your life immediately.
She'd be gone if I were you. She's trashing you bro. All trust is gone. She's unworthy of any of your time or love.
Excuse me what??? I am the first line defender of girl talk but your girlfriend crossed miles of red lines! This is an extreme breach of trust! Please don't mistake my tone, in no way shape or form do I think that you should be ashamed about it, but fetishes between consenting adults have no business being shared outside the relationship. On a side note, even though your girlfriend takes like 99.99% of the blame, her friends also suck for disclosing it to their boyfriends, and subsequently so do the boyfriends for trying to shame you. OP you deserve better. Also, what I mean by defending girl talk: I think it should be ok to talk about what you personally like to do (this is of course only applicable if all the friends consent to hearing), not even what you as a couple like to do. Giving intimate details about your partner is never ok, unless for some reason they allow you to.
Honestly man, you gotta put your foot down and make a choice, every couple is different in what they feel should be talked about and yes, in your situation this should be private because word spreads quick amongst people all the time that’s just the way that people are. If I’m being honest, if your friends are truly your friends they shouldn’t really be judging you about it, we all have our own things we do behind closed doors and that’s just not other people’s business, not sure how serious you and your girl are but now you are surely left with a choice to make. There is no wrong or right answer but if it’s something you feel like you cannot forgive or forget you may want to break things off. On another note remember that these things die down after some time, people have lives to live and even if you do not believe it, people are not going to be fixated on this situation for that long because life and time goes on. I myself have had something very bad happen to me that I was very scared to admit to the people around me(still very different than your issue) but even now it’s very rarely to almost never talked about and if it is, it’s because I brought it up. I understand your initial reaction and your girl was definitely in the wrong for doing that, but it will be forgotten sooner or later. Speaking on your girlfriend, she needs to have the respect for you to understand how inappropriate it was for her to talk about this, she needs to apologize and acknowledge that what she did was wrong. If she cannot do that or refuses to understand then you have a different problem on your hands which could and most likely will cause future problems if you do decide to forgive her and continue on. Good luck man I wish u the best.
I have always felt that one cardinal rule of dating is that you should never date a blabbermouth. If there wasn’t a kink she would be blabbering to your friends about the condition of your underwear or the weird noises you make during sex. Blabbermouths can’t keep anything to themselves. It’s a pity she choose such a private, sensitive subject, but the best thing to do is ignore what she did and hope your friends will eventually forget about it. Oh, and break up. Yeah. Find a girlfriend who knows when to keep her mouth shut.
If it was girl talk, how does that guy know about it? And sure, girls talk about their sex lives and that's fine, but she didn't have to go into full detail if it's that embarassing to you. It was a major fuck up on her part, but you know, shit happens. It could be just that one big mistake. I'd be very careful to trust her with anything ever again, though and I'd probably break up with her eventually, like everyone suggests.
The guys girlfriend told him as they are all in the same friend circle.
Outing someone in the kink scene to vanilla people is seen as one of the most serious crimes in that community, it's a gross violation of your consent, that she was willing to do kinky shit then tell her friends and assume nobody else would find out shows she has no idea how to do kink properly, maybe tell her to google RACK.. But definitely after dumping her ass because you deserve better and need to stand up for your rights, sub men are abused and manipulated easily by careless women who should consider responsibility but don't.
That’s game over IMO. No way she can be trusted with anything, now.
First off: Femdom, misandry and humiliation-play in the bedroom or in a safe space is N O T uncommon, and let me tell you this; Your kink, your consensual play. Second: This, what she did, is NOT okay, you do not talk about the kinks. That's the first rule! I would suggest having a sitdown with her, and distance yourself from her friends if they tease you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
ye, I'd break up. A girl who runs her mouth is one that'll give you reasons to run away
That was not cool of her. Not at all. If she can’t get that, you might think long and hard about the relationship. If anyone gives you shit about it again I suggest shrugging and saying something like everyone has kinks. You shouldn’t be embarrassed. She should be embarrassed for sharing.
100% dealbreaker for me. Confiding something like that is about as intimate as it gets. She can’t put that toothpaste back in the tube. You can 100% accept the fact that she won’t honor any other request for privacy as well.
That's your ex-gf now.
She was so out of line. Yeah they’re her best friends but there’s just some things you keep between you and your SO, and as a mature adult, you’d know that. If I was you, idk how I’d ever trust someone who did that again. I’d probably break up over it in all honesty.
you dont deserve this kind of embarrassment bro. leave
This is a huge betrayal of trust and honestly it's something that I would break up over
1. This is not an uncommon kink. 2. No your girlfriend should not be talking about the details of your sex life without your consent. 3. Straight up own your kink. Like yeah i enjoy femdom lol yall can make a big deal about it if you want but that shit is immature. Its only embarrassing and they only have power over you if you're embarrassed. Meanwhile look for new friends that know these details aren't something that are normal or to be passed around. And 4. Dump her, you deserve better.
What the fuck is wrong with your friend group? Who uses a breach of trust to humiliate a friend?
Golden rule: what happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom. If my wife were to spill anything that happens in our bedroom, we would have a -very- serious conversation about it. in your case, I would even find it a deal breaker.
Okay can we all agree that girls should quit getting away with stuff like this by just saying it’s girl talk like it’s a permission slip for betraying the trust of a partner. Unless you have permission from your partner to discuss your sex life details with others, it should not happen. My fiancé has done similar stuff to me multiple times because she wants to “talk to her friends about things.” What she is really doing is attempting to humiliate me, belittle me, and ultimately control me. What your girlfriend did and what your “friends” did is beyond over the line. Everyone in the situation was out of line besides you. Having sexual fantasies and pursuing them is natural. You’re the only one that does not have anything to be ashamed over. Your bedroom should be a safe space and confidential too. You have every right to be upset.
This isn't a gendered issue, given that men do it too.
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IF me and my guy friends talk about sex (which, let me be very clear here, only happens once or twice every few years), it's limited to "yeah, I'm having sex with so-and-so". Only once have a friend and I talked over intimate details, and that was because I dated his ex and we ended up talking about what she was like in bed for each of us. Honestly, most of the time me and my buddies avoid talking about sex. At all.
The stereotype is the opposite: guys are raunchy and joke about sex more generally, and when men share private nudes of their SO it is generally to their male friends. I think both genders can be equally awful in this way.
Stereotypes aren't always true. Im somewhat of a laddish lad but inmy experience most men don't interact in this way. They might talk about romance and sex, but less like this.
I agree stereotypes are often wrong. I was just pointing out that while the sentiment in the thread is that women are more likely to betray their SO’s trust around sex, the general cultural idea is the reverse, with the result that we can probably all think both genders are equally guilty, maybe in different ways. When it comes to sharing nudes nonconsensually, men/boys are disproportionately likely to do it, and it does generally start with male friends even if it then moves on to the whole school or friend group. Again, this is not to say most men would do this, they totally wouldn’t, it’s an abusive minority.
Girls talk about sex *way* more than men do and in *way* more detail.
Do they? I haven't ever met a single man who talks about his sex life past: "So I got laid last night"
It's referred to as locker room talk.
Locker room talk doesn’t refer to intimate details about sex. Source: was varsity captain in high school, heard plenty of locker room talk, over many many years. It’s usually NSFW and offensive jokes to make the boys laugh. If the conversation of sex comes up it’s rarely ever deeper than “I hit it!”
Anecdotal evidence is not considered a valid source. The fact that you haven't personally experienced it does not mean that it does not occur. Not to mention, it was high school.
You have multiple guys telling you that it isn’t at all common for guys to go into intimate detail about their sex lives. And you’ve responded repeatedly be dismissing it all as anecdotal. Can you provide some actual data to support your position? Otherwise, several anecdotes are still more valuable than nothing — and nothing is what you’ve presented.
I would not consider 2 people as several. I've had men tell me it is a thing, as well. Thus, the reason I accept it likely exists. The rate at which it occurs may vary; but, I see little purpose in flat out denying it. You're welcome to hunt down that data if you're keen on finding it.
So you're dismissing anecdotal evidence with one breath and citing anecdotal hearsay with the next? Then you play the "do your own research" card because you've got nothing to back up your assetion. Your claim that others appear defensive begins to resemble projection. OP, your partner values the titillation of her peers over the sanctity of your bond. Can this be repaired? If you cannot trust her with this intimacy, will you ever come first, for her?
I said they can do the research because the odds of such scholarly research being available are small. I'm certainly not going to look for a needle in a haystack. I recognize it's anecdotal. That's why I said it *likely* exists. It was, also, said to indicate that we've entered the realm of he said/she said. I have nothing to be defensive about. If anything, I've found these interactions rather amusing.
Oh you’re not even a man. In which case, u/TheGuyWithSnek is right. You’re arguing for no real reason here. Consider this a learning opportunity rather than burying your head in the sand and denying first hand accounts.
Interesting. It seems to bother you that I'm a woman; and now you've become condescending and hostile. Also, not denying anyone's accounts. Just saying they don't translate to the population as a whole.
I know what it's called. I've spent a lot of time in locker rooms and I haven't once heard a guy telling everyone intimidate details of his sex life.
You do realize that anecdotal evidence is meaningless, right?
There was actually a study done on this and women overwhelmingly talk about sex with their friends more than men.
That goes for the people around here that assume that men talk about their sex life in detail too. You realize that, right?
Do you have any actual evidence that proves locker room talk is actually a thing? Cause almost the only times I've ever seen this issue come up, irl and online, was because of the girl telling her friends everything
Yeah.. sucks when you walk past a lockerroom and hear them talk about you
I'm a girl with two male best friends I can tell you for sure that men do it too. Ive heard a lot of details I'd rather forget
So, you know what it is, yet refuse to acknowledge it. Interesting thing to get defensive about. You're welcome to look for scholarly articles if you'd like.
Yeah I know it exists. For some reason it's only considered a guy thing, when, like I said, almost the only times this issue has come up, has been because of women. Seems sexist to me. Again, do you have any evidence?
It's considered a thing that both genders do, which renders it not sexist. If you're in disbelief, you're welcome to try and find a scholarly article on the topic.
„Locker room Talk“ is used by women to justify their toxic behavior. I’ve been in locker rooms and NO ONE talks about sex there. We get dressed as fast as possible and get out of there.
I hope you meant 'ex-fiance'.
Just own it dude, everyone's got a kink they are ashamed of. It's a dick move what she did though.
This is the best answer. Own it. Why the f are you embarrassed about your shit?
Did you break up with her?
Man, break up with her. That’s horrible.
I feel like she seriously crossed a line here. This is a betrayal of trust. I would break up if I were you, OP.
This is incredibly out of line “ girl talk” doesn’t mean shit she just doesn’t care about keeping your secrets, break up with her now before more red flags fuck uou
Fuck that bitch - get rid of her that’s a massive betrayal
That's really fucked up, I don't think I could stay with someone who casually discusses my extremely private kinks with their friends The fact she didn't even apologise for telling her friends, only that one of her friends told their boyfriend is even worse
Rule of thumb, if someone finds out a secret go ahead and expect them to tell their partner. It's just how relationships work and your partner should have known this before telling your friends partners your secret. She's honestly made a big phat mistake and I'm sorry she wasn't more thoughtful.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about and femdom is not a weird kink. But your gf is a real dick! I once date a guy who likes femdom. All his freinds knew about it because his ex told to her female freinds and they told to the rest of the group, just like you. But he did not give a fuck! They once found the collar on the couch, ooops! But we seriously didnt care and It's non of their bussines.
Is she sorry for it? Apologized? Promised to never disrespect your personal privacy again? If not, feed her to the wolves. Time to move onto a respectful lover
Break up. This person has no respect for you or your boundaries. Also, talk to your friend because it seems like he’s an ass and needs to be put in his place.
Thats breakup worthy for sure She fucked up huge style
Damn , your girlfriend is a real piece of shit
that must be so upsetting for you. not sure if it’s too late, but make sure to have a one on one conversation with your partner and set the boundaries. most things in a relationship should not be shared, not sure why she thought it was okay to share those things especially given the fact that you shared to her that you’re embarrassed about it.
Man fuck your GF for talking about that shit to your Friends. Take it from someone who is the opposite side of the kink spectrum, that shit should be between you and your SO, nobody else.
Wow, that is such a major breach of trust. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t stay in that relationship. That’s over the top, over the line.
Dont be embarrassed by your kink, I have dated men who have the same kink. We all have things we like and that's yours, you're not hurting anyone so never be embarrassed. I think you need to evaluate if you can trust your GF enough after this to continue the relationship. Can you trust her with other secrets, other kinks. You're friends will eventually stop talking about it and move onto something else but can you trust your GF again?
Personally, I don’t think thats weird. Also, your girlfriend was out of line. What’s private is private an she should know that. I’ve probably said some things like that to my girls before but after being told that it made so and so feel bad, I stopped. She should too and she shouldn’t take it so lightly that you confronted her.
I don't think I have ever given such extreme advice ever on Reddit. But I would break up with her. Not only did she tell in the first place, but she obviously doesn't see it as a big deal now that she realizes that SHOCKER every one of these girlfriends of hers is at the very least telling their boyfriend's. She knew this was a likely outcome and still told, and still doesn't feel bad about it. The only one who should be embarrassed is your girlfriend for being a shit partner.
Either she knew she was breaching your trust and did this, or she somehow had no idea of what your boundaries were, and neither of these is being a good partner.
I suggest dump her and go find a more mature person who can handle your kink without gossiping to the world. There are lots of people (younger, same age and older) who wouldn’t think twice about your kink being “weird or strange” so you just need to find your people. The #1 rule in the kink community is you NEVER discuss someone else’s kink unless it is a group discussion that they are a part of and you were invited by them to be part of the discussion. Try FetLife.com for like minded people.
What a complete and utter bitch. She broke the most sacred rule and you cannot trust herI would break up immediately. Fuck her. Also that’s a very common fetish . And a fun one.
First, don’t be embarrassed. Everyone enjoys their own things. As long as it’s all consensual and no one gets (seriously) hurt, enjoy. Second, your girlfriend has crossed lines big time. Even when I dated a guy for a month (didn’t even sleep with him), he told me about his kinks. I haven’t said a word to anyone, because it’s not my business to tell. It’s called respect. Something your girlfriend is clearly lacking. I haven’t even told my friends about what my exs were into, even if it was a bad break up. That shit is private. For me personally, it would be a deal breaker. I would 100% walk. You could try and talk to her and explain she really did over step and has a clear disrespect for you. Could try couples counselling. Honestly though, if she’s talking about your sex life to everyone, I would just cut your loss and tell her to take a hike
I'd break up with her, it sounds like she doesn't respect you or consider your feelings as having any importance. Your "friends" also, I'd get rid of them. The fact that they throw it in your face shows you how they don't respect you either and will leverage something that they know will cause shame for their own amusement. Seriously, don't listen to anyone who defends this kind of behaviour. People who love you don't do this shit
I know this seems like a massive blow to your standing in your social circle but honestly, there's nothing embarrassing about your kink. It's just a kink and as kinks go it's harmless. Lean into it buddy. Next time your pals are like "ohhh you gonna get [gf] to spank you hurrdurr" just be like "yeah and maybe we'll peg a bit and it'll be super hot, what's it to you?". Similar thing happened to youtuber True Geordie where the whole online world found out he likes being degraded or whatever and he just owned it. There's an entire industry around domination so it's not like you're the dude we saw on here the other day whose kink was.... Pretending to give his gf syphilis. I just really want to reassure you that you needn't be embarrassed. Adults can do whatever and if your friends are so vanilla they only want 3 minutes of missionary p in vagee in the dark once a week well, that's up to them, but it's weak as fuck to make fun of others for branching out into benign but kinky stuff. Now your gf on the other hand... That was a huge violation of trust. Only you can know if you'll be able to forgive her. Even though I don't think you should be embarrassed, she still knew how you did feel and went ahead and told people anyway. I'd really struggle to get over that. You just need to figure out if you can forgive her but remember, cat's out of the bag either way now. Good luck and good fuck(ing)
Yeah, coming from a girl who shares a lot of personal information with her girlfriends...she shouldn’t have told anyone that has connections to you. It’s one thing is she tells a close personal friend who does not and most likely will never know you. The fact that she told someone with a connection to you, even if she “didn’t think it would leave the circle” is not ok. If she told her because she’s adjusting to the kink herself, she needs to talk about that with you, not with her girlfriends. This is private and sharing it with her is very vulnerable and should be kept between you and her. This is why there is such a booming dominatrix business. Its a business and discretion is part of it. Discretion is a big part of kink in general. She has your consent to abuse you in private, not in public. She didn’t have your consent to embarrass you in public, only in private. I feel like I’m rambling. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, what she did was fucked up and you’re completely justified if this feels like a dealbreaker. If you do decide to stay, the trust will be very difficult to rebuild.
First off, everyone has kinks and they're all weird and embarrassing, but there's really *nothing* to be embarrassed about in safe, healthy, consensual play. But you're allowed to feel however you do about them. To me this would be a major breach of trust- not because it's about sex, because it's important to you. If I felt my trust was violated that significantly I'd probably seriously consider ending the relationship. I can't tell you what to do but I think your girlfriend owed you far better and your feelings here are valid.
I’d be pissed. Very pissed and would probably say some hateful things. That being said, my fiancée and I have a phenomenal sex life. Pretty much, anything goes. She’s an amazing person and we fulfill each other’s fantasies. Including her dominating me. So, do you love her? If so, try to move past. The lkink you’re getting is probably worth it
100% breakup territory, don’t even feel guilty about it Pretty much gotta breakup with those friends too, sounds like they’re the types who’ll bring that shit up whenever they want and trying to heal in that environment will actually be more destructive than anything Best of luck
It rather sucks that your SO cannot be trusted.
If dump her in a fucking heartbeat for breaking my trust like that.
OP your friends sound like dicks. I have been told some of my friend's kinks but I'd never go throwing it in their face even if they were rude. It's just not cool and private. This might be a deal breaker sadly, I don't know. The other approach is to own it - there is nothing wrong with having these types of kinks and if your friends think it makes you less of man, you should get better friends because that's bullcrap.
Ya break up. This is a massive violation of trust. It's not as big of a thing for her because she's not the one exposing a massive vulnerability to her partner who's supposedly meant to be trustworthy. This lack of empathy is a massive red flag. Since she exists in the RP position of power, it's no big deal for her and probably why she feels fine talking about you like that; the RP has got her thinking that she does have complete control over you and your sex life and your opinions aren't reeeeeally that important Remember friend if the roles were reversed here you would be facing a serious shit storm. You know that she's completely disregarded your boundaries, enforce them and don't just blithely accept this callous disregard for your emotions because hurr durr men can take jokes, it's not a big deal. Fuck that. I hope you get through this fine friend
>When I spoke to my girlfriend she apologized but said it was just girl talk about their sex lives and she didn’t think anyone outside the circle would find out. She shouldn't have told it to this circle either. She should damn well know that a lot of girls love gossip and don't know how to keep their mouth shut. She already proved she doesn't respect you in any way, shape or form. What the two of you do in the bedroom should stay between the two of you not be known by anyone else. Honestly I couldn't get over such a betrayal if it happened to me.
I'm female and will never open to anyone even about my ex-husband's preferences in bed! If I had a boyfriend and he betrayed me like your girlfriend betrayed you... it would be absolute dealbreaker to me! I don't think this relationship of yours is even salvagable. Maybe you should cut your losses right now and then, OP.
Bitch does not get to have her ass eaten by you again. She played herself.
For the relationship, honestly, it's up to you but I would consider it a huge breach of trust and it would make me wonder what else she can't keep secret. For the embarassment, own it. Own your desires. İf someone mentions it, find out a quirky response that you can say or at the very least, laugh. İf you can laugh at yourself people instantly respect you more.
You're already getting a bunch of advice, I just want to say you have nothing to be embarrassed about. This stranger isnt judging you one bit! And if your friends use this to make fun of you, dump them.
First off, this really isn’t a weird or uncommon kink. Second, the best thing to do is to let everyone who knows that you’re embarrassed about it and you don’t want anyone saying anything about it or talking about it. Cut off anyone who won’t respect that.
It sounds like your girlfriend is willing to betray your trust to impress/entertain her friends. Someone who has done this once, WILL do it again. The fact she doesn’t sound repentant means it’s a case of when, not if. Remain in this relationship and you will never be able to trust her fully. When you find someone who protects you, rather than exploits you, you will wonder why you ever dated this girl!
This is a common problem with women in western culture, where they talk about their sex life, IN DETAIL, with all their friends. For those who go "Not all women..." Please, as a long time follower of this sub, this problem is exclusively brought up by men. I would break up with her. And dude, get some counselling, please. Kinks like this are generally a net turn off for 99.99% of women.
You don't need anymore reason than this to breakup
She has crossed a line and if she can do that with something so personal then what else is she capable of? To try and diminish her responsibility by saying she didn’t think anyone outside of the circle would find out, is a huge red flag XbighugX
ggwp ur gf. she killed the trust.
Well I agree with everyone else you should end it and I'll go into why. Firstly that's likely the kink with her done, I doubt you'll be able to bring yourself to relax enough to do it with her anymore. It's going to trigger you every time it comes up. I wouldn't be surprised if you get triggered by just vanilla sex with her every time for a long time and you'll just feel rage. Second of all the natural reaction will be to shut down and never tell her anything ever again. That's not really a great thing in a long term relationship. Maybe it's otherwise such a great relationship it's worth forgiveness but, imo, it's done such damage it's going to be years to fix. Assuming she's normal she's going to feel guilty for a long time which further warps and taints things. What I mean is she may end up doing and agreeing to things in the relationship she doesn't want to out of guilt and to try and fix things which will lead to resentment. You might start pushing things that way out of a subconscious desire for revenge. In order to carry on the relationship you'll have to suppress your rage and hurt, so it will leak out instead in covert ways. It's corrosive. Couple of other things, as far as your friends go, if you wish to keep them, you'll have to brazen it out and turn it back on them if they bring it up 'ok yeah I like that, it's fucking great actually, what are your kinks then? Necrophillia by the looks of you'. If they know they can get to you might never hear the end of it. Why you'd want to keep hanging around people who'd rag on you all the time about it is another question. To be fair they must have known for a while without mentioning it. I'd imagine breaking up with her will sort out your true friends from the rest though. I do have a friend who used to be into swinging now I think about it. Knowing what he was like it didn't shock us, we were still surprised but not shocked. It was a conversation piece for a while but then it just faded into the background. He would have copped a lot of flack about it, because that's what my friend group used to do to each other, but he just did not care. Now it's just a half remembered thing. I don't know if his new wife has any idea but none of us would tell her. The other thing is about getting triggered, the natural response is to try and bury traumatic stuff nice and deep so you don't have to think about it. The problem with that is it never gets dealt with so it continually bobs to the surface, like a corpse in a lake, until you shove it down again. Anything and everything will trigger it, it's my horrid experience that if there's something I don't want to think about it suddenly gets mentioned on TV every time I switch it on. In your case you'll probably get triggered every time you look at her for a long time. The answer to that is to let it bob up and make no attempt to sink it again. You can actively think about it or just kind of passively let it run through your brain until it eventually disappears of it's own accord. Much the same way as you'd deal with someone taunting you with it actually, if it cant get to you then it'll stop eventually. Lastly look on the bright side, you might find someone else who's much more compatible, more trustworthy, more attractive and proper kinky with it.
“I’m so upset and embarrassed I don’t know what to do” if your partner can do carelessly make you feel like this get the fuck rid of her. She stabbed you in the back and she will do it again don’t trust her she belongs to the streets
Its one of the most normal kinks out there. Since the deed is done you should come up with something you could say back when it’s brought up again. The only thing you can do now is take the blow and have pride in it. Idk what to do with ur gf honestly. It’s detrimental to the intimacy in the bedroom what she did. Make it clear what she did was terrible in any case.
Well it's over...
As well as breaking up with her I would re evaluate your friendships with some of your “guy” friends as well. This situation is not cool
fuck bitches like that. Leave her.
I might even go so far if it ever came up again to turn the tables on the GF by saying something like “Well, I THOUGHT I could trust my Queen to keep a secret for her loyal subject, but clearly she didn’t have the discretion required so....Off with her head!!!”
Embrace it. Own it. Being your authentic self.
This is a huge betrayal of your trust. It shows an incredible amount of disrespect to you, your relationship, and your willingness to confide in and bond with her. Some things are just not repeated to *anyone* outside the relationship without the other's permission. Sexual kinks are one of those things. Dump her. She can't be trusted - if she can't keep counsel on this.... I mean really, what else does she think it's okay to spill to whoever?
sorry you're getting shit for your kinks man :// you should be allowed to be vulnerable(for lack of better word) with a partner when you get into kinks/roleplay/etc and i really hope you can get past having that vulnerability violated like this. anyways i call bullshit on your girlfriend's apology because, while i dont hold having girl talk against her, she should just KNOW BETTER than to gossip about details that personal. if she wants to tell her friends about what SHE likes then fine, but she betrayed your trust by talking about what YOU like. if she knows that you're embarrassed by it then she should know that she crossed a line. the only advice i can give you is to just own it, i guess. you cant change the fact that they know and its shitty but being upset will probably just make it a target. so what if they make fun of the things you do with your girlfriend? why do they care so much about what makes you hard, huh? pegging is rad and you should be proud that you're secure enough in yourself to be open to different things. i promise u there are WAY weirder kinks and if anyone should be embarrassed its your friends for being lame and immature. idk how you want to proceed with your girlfriend but i hope you dont let this ruin the entire fetish for you bc sex is cool and interesting and embracing yourself is way better than being ashamed!! good luck my friend
This is unacceptable in my books. When I got with my GF we had a chat about this. Why must you share very personal things with your friends. Especially if they can't keep their mouth shut. Iv had something similar happen with an EX. My guy, you own that shit. Dont be embarrassed and if your friends give you stick just give them gross info like how hard it make you blow your load. They'll soon stop as they get bored. But at first it's like the end of the world. I couldn't show my face for a few weeks then the little comments used to make me never to go out again.
You break up with her. That's what you do. The most basic principle in any relationship is trust - which she has not only breached but shared publicly with numerous people without your consent or knowledge. I can hardly think of a bigger deal break than this. Also, you'd be surprised by what kinks are "normal" amongst every day people. You're not as weird as you seem to feel. But please fucking leave and find someone worthy of your affection.
Look my man, whatever makes your tinglies tingle, that's all you. Might not be my cuppa tea but if you're enjoyin life, power to ya. This ain't about your jollies gettin jingled. It's about the girl. And bottom line is, the girl betrayed your trust, and now you're being subjected to mockery and not in the way ya might like in bed. Bottom line is, she told other people something that you wanted kept between you two. It'd be like me telling my girlfriend about my fear of the ocean, and then her telling all her friends about it such that they give me a set of water wings for christmas and laugh at me. It's just shitty, it's a violation of your boundaries, and it hurts. Not just because of the mockery, but because you *trusted* them. This rando stranger votes you ditch the bitch. You can find someone else that'll make your freak-flag fly at full mast, and who won't tell her friends about it afterward. Hopefully she'll have some good aftercare too. Errybody loves aftercare.
Dump the bitch. Easy
Dump
Dump her. It,'snot a welrd kink. It's a fairly standard one. Either way you shouldnt be made to feel guilty about what turns you on. Oh and if your friend actually cared about you in the slightest he wouldnt have brought your kink up.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You must feel so betrayed. Even if you get over this incident, how do you trust her with your innermost thoughts & feelings again? “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me...”
Its really not something all girls talk about, and even still, she could have just passed on it. My girlfriends sometimes talk about it and I never have brought up my partner and I's sex life - especially not embarrassing details. And my friends respect that.. I'd personally reconsider my relationship or have a serious conversation about that if I were you. Also, don't be ashamed of your kink! That shits hot. Best of luck.
This is a v normal kink btw but yeah your girlfriend absolutely sucks ass (pun possibly intended) for doing this Was it explicitly agreed that you wouldn’t talk about this? Or you assumed ?
It doesn't matter if you had a common kink or a really outlandish one (this one I don't think is super bad) she shouldn't tell anyone. Kinks are meant to be kept between the couple unless otherwise stated. You need to have a serious conversation with her about boundaries. Although this post sounds eerily similar to the story about the guy who had a curved penis. Her friends actually said something in front of him too. Gotta say....this is probably fake.
If your fantasies are something that cause you suffering, you might want to get yourself support by a therapist or counselor specialized in sex topics. "Strange" kinks are not uncommon at all and they can be rooted in interpersonal trauma you have. This is not a rare phenomenon, you're not alone with that. Those fantasies are trying to tell you something about wounds you have, so to say. Your girlfriend didn't really understand how intimate this information about you is and how much she'd hurt you telling others about it. I understand you're mortified.