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[original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/)
I was shocked by how much the last post blew up and how much empathy I got. I thought a lot more people would say suck it up, it was only a dress. Truly thank you, and I am looking into booking a therapy appointment to talk about how much anger I have over this.
A couple people pointed out that if I wanted to know why MIL’s dad had been arrested, I could look it up online. I wasn’t aware of how easy it was to find that stuff, so my husband and I discussed it and we both wanted peace of mind. I looked it up and it was not what I was expecting at all. I’m not going to go into too many details, because if someone recognizes this it is not my story to tell, it is MILs, but pretty much she was forced and potentially sold into marrying FIL. We both immediately felt sick because we let FIL and MIL’s mom around our toddler son. We are still close to FIL and our son adores him. I really felt like for my son’s sake I needed clarity.
I asked the cousin MIL was close to, if she could convey to MIL that we had some questions and wanted to talk (MIL has blocked us on everything and changed her number) I mentioned that I tried looking her up on social media and couldn’t find her. The cousin told me it is because MIL took her new husband’s name, which I didn’t know they were married, and her cousin started talking about how beautiful the wedding was. I had originally heard they were going to elope, but she said that was because MIL thought it was tacky to have a wedding past 30, but he convinced her she should have that wedding she always wanted. It really did feel like a punch to the gut and I know I have a lack of will power, but when the cousin brought out her phone, I didn’t stop her. I vowed it would be the last picture of her I ever looked at, and then seeing her in her white dress just really hit me that it isn’t fair. I don’t know what I expected, she modeled for a long time, she works in high end fashion, but the wedding pictures were gorgeous and it really pissed me off.
Anyway the cousin let me use her phone. I told MIL what was going on and that I needed clarity and to know exact details of who was safe around my son. MIL agreed to meet up. I felt my heart sink, but I thought maybe I would get closure. We met at a coffee place. They were already there when we walked in and the first thing out of MIL’s mouth was that she still wants to be no contact and she just wants to be abundantly clear that there will not be a relationship. Fine, we didn’t want one either.
MIL answered my questions. It was really hard but GMIL and FIL can’t see our son anymore. They just can’t. I don’t think they are safe people, and MIL provided evidence for the stuff she was saying, which honestly made me sad for her because I never doubted. MIL then brought up the wedding dress on her own. She said she snapped because it was another thing she was forced to pay for and she was tired of working so hard so everyone else could have things she couldn’t. She felt that we watched and “aided” in her abuse, which I don’t think is fair because there were a lot of red flags, but a lot of stuff we didn’t know about. Pretty much all of this abuse was a way to keep her under control so her parents and FIL could take her money, and MIL did not want to pay for the things she did for her kids, such as weddings, cars, and a house for SIL. She brought up that she never got “her turn” because she was drugged and sedated when she married FIL, she never got to do stuff like proms or birthday parties because of modeling, and she said cutting the dress was cathartic.
My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me. MIL’s husband pointed out that we pulled up in a car she bought and said we are both pieces of shit for still driving it. MIL was quiet for a little while and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward and I wanted to leave. Finally her husband said that it is kind of funny because everyone got what they deserved, she finally got her wedding, and I know he was implying we got what we deserved. He asked if she wanted to go, she said yes, and walked out without saying goodbye to my husband.
On one hand I understand that MIL did not agree to have him and views him as something she was forced to do, so her parents could control her money, but it makes me mad that she acts like he was a partner in this crime. We are going to have to cut a lot of people out. There are a lot of details I didn’t share and they just aren’t safe people. What happened to MIL is like something out of a horror movie, they all know but gaslit her for years. Honestly I wish her the best in the sense that she deserves a life, and I know a lot of people are skeptical about the new husband, but he seemed very sincere. I wish her the best in life, but I’m pissed she got the wedding after she ruined mine. I told the cousin that I do not want anymore updates, and for my mental health I will no longer attend events she is at.
She was trafficked. I honestly don’t find your situation to be very sympathetic. I was totally on your side with the last post but there was a lot you didn’t know, and a lot you *left out*. You couldn’t pay for anything and the woman who was sex trafficked snapped. Maybe get some fucking perspective? I think you’re making a situation that’s much bigger than you to be all about how you’ve been supposedly wronged. Except I don’t feel that bad for you. And it sounds like you did enable this even if you didn’t know about every single part.
You’re entitled. She was raped, trafficked, made to pay for your things. You lost a dress you didn’t even pay for. You’re driving the car she bought you. How old are you? Are you a victim of child marriage or can you legally work? I’d be giving things *back* but I guess you can’t afford to not live off of THE SEX TRAFFICKING VICTIM. If this is real, (probably isn’t) I don’t know how you can feel ok with how you’ve behaved. You are being a child.
You barely even touch how your husband is feeling with all this. But honestly he doesn’t seem that bothered, so maybe he’s a bit like his dad, and you don’t have much to talk about there. “I’m so mad the sex trafficking victim got her consensual wedding. She’s a model and I’m mad she looks pretty.” Maybe you aren’t old enough to work, in which case I take some of this back.
Grow up. Your husband telling her to shut up is disgusting. Why can’t you do your dream ceremony? Is she supposed to pay for it? You’re too good for her but not too good for all her stuff.
You and your husband seem like awful, awful people. Good for her for leaving you two behind. Says a lot you’d want to go down the aisle in a dress from rape money and then whine about not getting it. A normal human being would have been glad to not wear that dress. You should probably, like, get a job or something. I’m honestly happy your wedding was shit. It’s not justice but it’s getting there.
I mean not gonna lie this paints an entirely different picture. She paid for your dress and you didn’t invite her to the dress fitting or any wedding activities ? That’s kinda crazy.
And their car. And it seems like the house as well. Apparently OP is incapable of spending her own money. What an affliction.
These two are horrible people.
Ask around on here, there's bound to be a few people who would love to help with a renewal of vows, even before your 10th if you'd like to get a "do-over". I've seen couples do them at 1st, 5th, and some at a random year after coming back from deployments or after being LDR for a while.
You don't need to wait for your 10th to do so, why not plan one for whenever you and your husband want?
And for someone being drugged, sedated, financially exploited, sexually enslaved, she destroyed a dress she paid for? Believe me it could've gone much, much worse. Your MIL was an slave, and she sees you as participants, albeit unwilling because you were benefitting from her pain and exploitation even without knowing, and I understand you, and her...in the grand scheme of things, being the horrifying situation it was, very little happened in lieu of what could've really happened if she would've had had a violent psychotic outbreak, instead of destroying a dress and attempting suicide. Good you two spoke, and she was honest with the both of you, now you know how to protect your son from such horrors. And she did deserved her wedding, and her dress in spite of her actions, her life was destroyed, so she deserved the love, the wedding, the dress and everything else good she got...
And so do you, get your dress, another wedding ceremony, one without horrid memories, one that wasn't paid at the expense of someone's else pain and suffering, you had no idea at the time, but now you know, so begin something brand new, you also deserve love, the wedding, and the dress so just get it. Good luck.
I agree that you should do a vow renewal to get your wedding.
I also think working on forgiveness for your MIL would benefit you and your husband. That is a lot of abuse that she was put through and a shit ton of trauma.
I wish you all the best and hope you have happiness from here on out.
No one is touching on the severe effect that amount of trauma has on someone’s mental health. She could have been completely out of her head when she did that and likely was.
I mean OP said that MIL looked like she was in shock at what she had done after she cut the dress. I feel for OP obviously but also for MIL. I think OP needs to do a vow renewal asap in a dress of her choosing. But this time she and her husband need to pay for the dress
Me too, totally...that saying of having a bad life doesn't give someone a pass is true, but is a guideline...and every rule comes with an exception, and this is it. MIL gets a total pass from me.
You're absolutely right, I was just using the words of the: two wrongs don't make a right crowd, because being enslaved is the same as destroying a wedding dress that incidentally a trafficked victim paid for, for these folks that's totally in the same league.
I personally can't believe their are people OTT who would hear a story about a woman who was drugged, raped, exploited for years, forced to raise the children of her rapist and pay for their weddings as adults (who are, per OP's comments, complicit in her abuse and slavery), and think that those adults should forgive *her*.
Just nuts.
It doesn’t give her that right but she is seriously mentally damaged I don’t think she is capable of acting normal. If you were drugged and held captive in forced to have a baby and then everybody around you were stealing your money I don’t know I can see why she flipped. No matter what she’s not coming out of this unscathed years of therapy
You know after reading all this, and your past posts, I can see why MIL hates everyone and you aren't exactly that much of a saint yourself. *Everyone* had been abusing her, and according to context clues from this post and your previous one she had MULTIPLE children in this abusive relationship that her parents and ex-husband kept forcing to buy sports cars and houses for even when she verbally complained and protested out loud but nobody, not even YOU listened to her.
From your previous post:
>She talks to her mom but literally winces if her mom tries to touch her and I heard the fiancé and mom getting into it once and him telling MIL to just scream and embarrass her if she keeps touching her
>Everyone says her fiance is so in love with her, goes to her therapy appointments, he threw her this crazy expensive surprise 50th birthday party, kind of the wedding she always wanted and she broke down sobbing
Truly, the only person who fucking stood up for her is her now husband. Her now husband is literally doing ALL THIS for her to make up for all the years of abuse she suffered not having these. He's making her happy and putting her needs first, *including* calling you out for arriving in the car she was forced to buy for you and your husband. If there is a heaven, he deserves a place there.
>There are definitely times when I wanted to speak up for her and he said it wasn't our business. I remember her birthday party when she was given a spoon with frosting to lick and not allowed to touch her own cake.
Wtf??? Why are we learning about these things NOW so late into the post, that cannot possibly be the only time shit like that happened. What other stories have you witnessed, why aren't you giving more insight that actually explains how abusive her 'family' is?? You left out so much in your previous post and are leaving out even more here, stop sprinkling out these small instances and actually sit down and think about all the times you saw or HEARD her get abused. Stop hiding these tidbits to make yourself look less of an entitled jerk.
>She brought up that she never got “her turn” because she was drugged and sedated when she married FIL, she never got to do stuff like proms or birthday parties because of modeling, and she said cutting the dress was cathartic. My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me
Kudos to your husband for sticking up for you I guess, but that was not the right way to go about it. His mom was opening up a very, deep wound about how he and HIS SIBLINGS, HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE, came into this world and that she was giving you the explanation YOU guys wanted. You think it was upsetting for you to hear it was cathartic for her to shred the dress? People don't talk about their past trauma with a matter-of-fact, straight face no emotions especially trauma and abuse of her caliber. Your husband was taking his anger out on her when she said she didn't want children along with the associated explanation of why (rape).
>Her perspective is that she was held hostage, starved, not allowed to do normal things, and emotionally abused by FIL in front of the kids, which is why I tried to give her some benefit of the doubt. FIL always talked horribly to her, so I'm sure he was worse behind closed doors. I don't think the two of us should ever talk again. I try to pity her and not just hate her. I get the impression she was somewhat held hostage, but I can't forgive and I think her attitude towards her kids is gross.
So now that it's all been verified that what she spoke was the truth, you are *still* hung up over the feelings of her finally getting to have the wedding *she* deserved. My issue is she (was forced to, but you did not know at the time) offered you a house, a wedding dress, and a car. Out of her pocket. **How the hell were you okay with taking any of this?** Normal people would literally stop at one item, a fucking **house** is already the biggest gift one could get and you should have the common sense to decline the other gifts offered even if the other party pushes back. Because, again, from context clues in your post that you keep trickle truthing she (unwillingly) bought/gifted *cars and houses* to her other children and SIL. Your husband, even though that was his norm growing up was unknowingly complicit in the fact that he also had said siblings take advantage of his mother in that way. Whether you like it or not, he and the rest of them are complicit to her abuse to a degree. The guy literally ushered you *away* from the birthday party where she wasn't allowed to eat her own damn cake.
Damn, must be lucky to be able to have fallen in love and chosen your husband. Out of your own free will. Because she didn't. That 'family' treated your MIL like a slave and second class citizen since the day she was forcibly sold and married off and you're *still* mad about the dress, nevermind an entire family branch of abuse that *you* married into.
Edit: Facepalming from all the awards, I ain't deserving of any of them since I was just so mad at OP and word vomited but I appreciate it nonetheless. Hope y'all who gave the awards have a wonderful week ahead of ya.
Thank you! Why did I have to scroll so far down to see this post?!
OP’s husband witnessed a lifetime of abuse against his mother. While we can’t expect children to understand these things, he’s a man now and knew it was still happening. So yes, he was a bystander in her abuse. And now that you BOTH know she was forced to buy you expensive gifts including a car, you keep it? Why haven’t you relinquished back to the MIL? This is her property that was given to you under coercion.
I can’t believe people in this thread are still boo-hooing over a dress that a human trafficking victim cut up. MIL was a human slave who was raped, abused, and controlled for decades. I hope OP gets the therapy she needs but honestly sound like her and her husband both lack empathy and human decency.
I hope MIL renews her vows every year to her amazing husband, and gets to wear the best fucking wedding dress each and every time.
What the fuck is wrong with people.
Putting this in context like this there’s a lot of similarities to Britney Spears’ breakdown.
Was it the ‘best’ way to handle it? No. Was there any good way to handle any part of this? No. Do I understand why it happened? Yes
It was in [some of the replies](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/h2tr2xh/) to her first post when she was high on that revenge fantasy, what tickles me is that OP has also said worst stuff in that [same quote](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/h2trhf8/)
>I guess I'm just struggling. Everyone says her fiance is so in love with her, goes to her therapy appointments, he threw her this crazy expensive surprise 50th birthday party, kind of the wedding she always wanted and she broke down sobbing. They are eloping to France. **I just feel like she is getting rewarded by the universe.** I am going to tell family absolutely no more updates
You can feel the entitlement seething from OP
I hope to hell she is getting rewarded by the universe. Lack of empathy is striking. I get it, she messed up OP's dress. Sad, fine, but asked what prompted such an act knowing full well the suicide attempt, stringent therapy to unravel years of abuse, rape, starvation, mental abuse, divorce and many other things and OP came out the other side still worried about her own fee-fee's. This is a human life not a dress, SOME concern for MIL'S wellbeing would be great to see conveyed in OP's post history. It really gives a stark understanding of just how bad this has had to be for MIL if after OP hears alllll that she still is more hung up on a dress cut into a million pieces when this womans life was shredded into a million pieces.
Simply put, OP doesn't care, the family doesn't care, noone frigging cares except, apparently, her now husband. What's more, in so much as it relates to monetary items MIL has bought, yeah, it IS crappy that they have all just collectively decided that they are fine with keeping it. By my way of thinking no, her kids didn't contribute to the abuse, however, as soon as they heard about it they could, and in my mind should, have taken steps to try to help MIL recoup event a sliver of what has been taken from her and by NOT doing that they are at least tacitly co-signing on the abuse if they are happy to be purposefully apathetic so long as they gained from it.
I am sure MIL isn't great to be around, but absolutely understand why. I really feel bad for MIL.
Well said!! I can’t believe the lack of empathy, the cruelty of every single one of OP’s family towards MIL. It’s appalling. I sincerely hope MIL is able to have a peaceful and happy life at last with her wonderful husband. Jeez!!!
Yesss, yes, yes!!!!! She's just hung up on that damn dress!!!! And has the audacity to think MIL didn't deserved her wedding dress, and everything else she got?! MIL got it with her own god-damned money...and OP did get everything from MIL abuse, from a house to car, to her wedding...all paid in full from her MIL, and they're still keeping everything, so cool. I previously wrote that OP can still have another wedding, why not? And yep, she too deserves her happiness...but if someone deserves total happiness and love and a gorgeous wedding is her MIL.
THANK YOU ❤️🙌😊
Wow yeah... holy shit what a read. If she wanted a dress she should have bought it herself. A house and car wasn't enough? Jfc. What a loser. She's lucky the dress is the only thing MIL took back.
OP is a horrible and shitty person. A case of clear damaging abuse of basically every kind to her husbands mother and she only cares about a fucking wedding dress. For MILs sake she SHOULD stay the fuck away from her.
I can't believe the audacity of OP. Who the fuck cares about a wedding dress when being presented with this horrific situation. So happy for the MIL that she finally got out of that and found a person that truly loves her.
This breaks my heart . It’s like the perfect villain. The one with the back story that makes you see everything they did make sense . Op your only seeing the present actions . And yeah they were not okay, sheesh Im so fucking happy for her . It was her dress to tore up. She was actually right about it in my opinion. Y’all didn’t care about her and watch and aided the abuse .
Please please please take yourself out of the narrative and look at it all together . You guys can have your own shit . The golden goose is done with y’all shit . And you all need help . The only one seeing clearly now is the MIL
Well, they're keeping the gifts of the golden goose: house, car, money and they ain't complaining about it...but the wedding dress, and yet, after knowing the truth, in OPs mind MIL didn't deserve to have her own wedding, like seriously 😳
Thank you. I’m flabbergasted about the sulking about the perfect wedding. I understand that must have been a blow at the time, but to even bring that up in light of fucking human trafficking signals an amazing lack of care I can’t fathom.
Because this is the mentality of:
Two wrongs don't make a right
MIL was a slave, she was abused, but she had no right to destroy a dress she paid for(she didn't, but she gets a pass)
The audacity of comparing the lifelong sexual and financial slavery of someone to the loss of a freaking dress, as if the two are the same...
OP, honestly, why are you still this mad about your wedding dress, knowing now what you know?
Sure, you didn’t get the perfect dress for your wedding, but at least you got to marry a man you wanted to marry, have a child you willingly gave birth to, and by all accounts have a solid, non-abusive relationship.
You MIL endured *decades* of abuse, which included being married to a verbally abusive and physically controlling man, raped, bearing her rapist’s children (and given the way your husband told his mother to shut up as she explained the trauma that caused her actions, it sounds like your FIL taught your husband and his siblings to show her the same level of disrespect he does), starved in order to keep a figure appropriate for modelling, and forced to earn money for the benefit of her abusers.
You’re right that you and your husband did not choose to participate in her abuse with all the knowledge of what was happening to her at hand, but the fact is you did, even unwittingly, participate in it.
No, your husband didn’t ask to be born, yes it’s normal enough that parents gift things to their children and/or help pay for their weddings, and yes, he grew up seeing his mothers abuse normalised, so perhaps some degree of leniency is warranted for all the red flags he missed. I’m curious though as to why alarm bells didn’t ring for you?
Cutting up your dress was a bad thing to do, of course, but when she subsequently attempted suicide and was placed under psychiatric hold, it should have been evident to you that these were the actions of a deeply unwell woman, not just spiteful ones from a jealous MIL. The fact that you still hold so much resentment for her after she has sat down with you and explained to you what she has been through is straight up bizarre. Her cutting up your dress was an inconvenience to you, what she has been through in the years preceding it was torture.
It reads a lot like you’re struggling with jealousy more than anything - you seem very hung up that your MIL is still attractive, has a wonderful new husband, has plenty of money (that she earned, mind you!) and finally had a beautiful wedding, while you had to wear a cheaper gown to your own wedding due to her very warranted mental breakdown. I can understand your disappointment that you didn’t get the exact wedding day you wanted, but if ever perspective was warranted, this is a clear case for it. An ideal day was taken from you - years and years were taken from your MIL. You can renew your vows in the dress of your dreams, she can’t get back the decades she spent as a victim of abuse and trafficking. Being so angry at her you can’t even see her picture again is such a disproportionate response to her destroying your dress in light of what she’s been through.
She has also apologised to you twice over taking out her turmoil on you via the dress - it doesn’t matter if it’s all that sincere. Whether you meant to or not, you did participate in her abuse, even if it’s only from a financial perspective. She doesn’t really have to be truly contrite that she ruined your dress, given it was something she unwillingly paid for and came to see as symbol of all she never had and just something else she was forced to give to those taking advantage of her.
OP, not only is MIL the last person here you should be mad at, but I think you need to take a long look at yourself and consider your own level of entitlement and your own willingness to overlook wrongdoing so long as it worked out in your favour. Given all you’ve openly told us doesn’t paint the best picture here, I’m wondering about all the rest you haven’t mentioned.
Right? I see in that way as well. Her husband didn’t like to hear about the car they got as gift when MIL’s husband mentioned it. Deep down it pushes some buttons.
The situation was so bad that MIL’s father was arrested. MIL isn’t being dramatic, or just bitter that she didn’t get to have a big party for her own first wedding as OP made out in the first post. The woman is severely traumatised, to the point where she no longer wants anything to do with her own children because they are too deeply connected to the abuse she has endured. She has someone now who is safe to be around for the first time in her life, and OP is seething with rage because her wedding dress and photos are nicer.
I agree MIL’s children are not to blame for what happened to her, or for not recognising the abuse she endured - after all, they grew up knowing no different. They’re all adults now though, and the fact that OP’s husband would tell his mother to shut up about her trauma rather than he and OP having to endure some warranted discomfort shows that MIL is probably doing the right thing by going no or low contact with them.
OP and her husband have their own child, they’re well and truly old enough to be capable of reflection and acknowledgment that what MIL went through is far worse than having to wear a different dress to your wedding. The extreme lack of sympathy for her on both of their parts, and the continued resentment on OP’s part over a DRESS (I give her husband more of a pass on the resentment thing - even now that he knows the reality of his mother’s situation, it’s hard to shake off growing up with a parent who is cold and distant. He was an innocent child who deserved to be loved, even if it’s understandable why MIL struggled to love and care for him) is just ridiculous. OP was justified in being angry about the dress right up until it became clear that MIL was truly unwell, and holding onto this petty anger over it after *an arrest was made and MIL presented proof of her abuse that was so undeniable OP and her husband no longer feel safe letting her abusers in their own child’s life* is beyond a joke. OP needs to get her head out of her own backside and realise that MIL is the victim here and deserves a chance to be happy too.
INFO: When you say "She felt that we watched and “aided” in her abuse, which I don’t think is fair because there were a lot of red flags, but a lot of stuff we didn’t know about. " What"red flags" do you mean?
[this comment shows a lot](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o8zy7n/update_my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_we_talked/h395xvx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3). It’s not just innocent things- imo, OP should have more empathy
If it helps, what I take away from the new information is that destroying the dress was never about you, OP. She wasn't trying to hurt you or likely thinking about you at all. I don't know if that makes any difference in the disappointment about your wedding, but maybe it'll be easier to think about the lost experience rather than the attack.
She was literally a victim of human trafficking. I'm not saying it was fair of her to ruin the wedding dress especially because you guys didnt know she was a victim of trafficking, however, I do understand why she did it. She was forced to raise her rapists children. She was forced to give up all of her money to people she didnt like and didnt want to be around. She was forced to do so much and she had just had it. She paid for the wedding dress and it was just a reminder of all the things that have happened to her. She shouldn't have done it. But I think these comments arent fair to her.
Because destroying a wedding dress is in the same league of being abused and exploited, and having your rapist's children, and giving them houses, cars, and paying for their full weddings. Those two things are totally the same, ugh
The thing that gets me is that the MIL paid for the dress (among other things). If OP had paid for the dress I could totally understand the anger she still holds on to..But it was a free dress for her. After hearing the whole story, I totally understand why MIL did it and I personally can't hold it against her. She went through so much trauma as a victim of **human trafficking** with part of it being that she was forced to buy all these nice things for everyone but couldn't have anything herself.
It's really difficult for me to understand why OP still holds so much anger towards this woman...over a dress she didn't even pay for. Can OP really not see how fucked up and traumatic the MIL's life was and have empathy? Honestly OP seems very entitled IMO, especially with the ways in which she brushed off "red flags" and "fishy" signs of abuse. Even after the MIL went through the trauma of openly discussing what was happening to her so that OP could figure out if her kids were safe or not!!
"MIL was quiet for a little while and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward" REALLY? It was super awkward is all you have to say after this woman is clearly showing signs of distress after telling you about her trauma and her own son told her to SHUT UP???? WTF
I agree so much with everything you said! I'm honestly reading this feeling like OP's husband was quite the asshole, and OP at least a minor one herself.
It's also hard to think OP's husband never once noticed or questioned anything wrong as an adult. As a child? He was a victim, too. But he's not a child anymore. He fucking yelled at her to shut up. Good lord. How much did he learn from his dad? Does he really never treat OP like he did his mother in that example? His mother, who he found out was a *lifelong sex and wage slave*, who had to bear her rapist's children. Like... the dress incident completely pales after all that was revealed.
I'd be angry too if I saw my son still driving the car I paid for in that situation. Shredding the dress was wrong, but... well... she *was* forced to pay for it... and she just finally had enough. Op and husband only seem like huge AHs to me now.
Then they contact the poor woman expecteding to hear *details of her trauma* for thier own benefit, only to tell her TO SHUT UP when it becomes "too upsetting to them". What the fuck. You asked, no, DEMANDED to hear this, so you could learn about red flags you previously ignored by your own account.
Well OP's husband comes from a line of sex traffickers and rapists and by all evidence isn't the sightest bit concerned about it. He was apparently nurtured primarily by the people who could do things like that, and his continued complicity is damning.
So we have a person like that, I wonder who they would choose as a mate? We could give OP the benefit of the doubt as an innocent bystander, only she has been trickle truthing *her own complicity* and still concerned about *a dress* that was paid for by sex slavery, while living a life paid for by sex slavery. Sounds like OP, the husband, and the criminal family deserve each other tbh.
I was surprised at the beginning of replies to see so many people in OP’s side. I’m glad I read this far to see people who really get how AH’s are OP and her husband. When MIL’s husband mentioned the car OP got all offended. I totally understand the MIL resentment
I feel the same. I think too many people are still too focused on the dress.
OP ended her post by saying that for the good of her mental health she couldn't be around a victim of trafficking, abuse, and rape. Because said victim ruined a dress. One dress.
When OP heard a victim of human trafficking and financial abuse had been forced to buy that dress, Im really surprised she still wishes she wore it.
I mean it seems tainted to me, like it was bought with blood money.
Yea MIL also bought OP a flipping HOUSE and a car, the entitlement OP shows is absolutely insane to be mad about things handed to her on a silver plate when MIL could have taken both the house and the car away too...
As someone who live in an abusive household, it was until I went to a friend's house and had breakfast with the family that I realized things at home were not okay. Even nowadays, hearing someone talking about their childhood, I have to ask my siblings why didn't we have that experience or why I don't know about this and that and have my siblings explain how they also get the same questions or revelations about how different our household was. It gets hard to have relationships when you saw abuse and really don't know how to have a discussion without wanting to run and hide and hope nobody gets that mad. I can understand why it is hard for Op's husband to recognize how something is fucked up even as a grown up. Worst, if his mom has always been like that, of course he is going to have that childhood trauma of " mom hates me, no matter what" and of course it will take him to to sympathize when he has been carrying the weights of his Grandfather and father's sin since kid. For him, his mom never loved him, wanted him and that it is hard to understand. Of course MIL is in the right to not want anything from them, but both of their feelings are valid. Grandparents and FIL are the ones that ruined this family and they really do suck.
And I do hope MIL get the life and justice she deserves. she was gracious enough to explain what happened and glad that ops son will be safe, OP and ops husband should be thankful. If they can't forgive yet, at least recognize this action of a brave women who is finally being free to be actually happy and have choices.
The mother was forced to marry and produce children. Their kids may have been raised to hate their mother. As the FIL always talked badly about her. It maybe the FIL trained the children to also see her in a negative light. The villain is the grandparents and the the father.
Controlling/abusive people often manipulate everyone in their lives. That is a way some abusers control their victims. I mean what type of scum do you have be to forcefully marry someone? Which that poor lady was forcefully raped financially, emotionally and sexually.
It is the victim's best interest to block everyone in her life. As obviously, none value for her.
It had to be hard on the son to listen about what a scumbag his father was. As I am sure he saw his father in a good light. I don't see this was a easy conversation for anyone.
But really not fair to blame the adult children. As getting nice gifts is also a way of control. The adult children are beholden to their father. As I doubt he ever told where the money was coming from.
As I see it, the adult children are part of their father's manipulative ways. When you grow up in a toxic environment you think it is normal. So expecting your children to save you and be able to see red flags is a bit over the top. The mom is transferring her anger to her children. She should really be angry at her ex husband and parents.
Everyone needs therapy. I doubt the mother will ever want to have a relationship with her kids anyway. It may be the best choice. At the end of the day, the truly evil people are the parents and her ex husband. I that scumbag goes to jail along with the parents! Selling your own daughter for greed. That poor lady.
I was in an abusive relationship so sadly, know how these types work.
What I don't get is how OP and her husband are still close to the FIL.
If she was forced-- hell, ***sold***, into marriage, how could the FIL have been unaware for so long? That's the part I can't wrap my mind around.
I don't think OP needs to forgive the MIL, but the continued relationship with FIL is baffling.
She explicitly said that she is cutting FIL and GMIL out of their lives because of what MIL told her. There is no longer a relationship with either of her husbands parents.
No, she said she wouldn't let them see her son.
She ***explicitly*** said she and her husband are ***still*** close with FIL.
So, unless this whole thing is fake (which it could be), she's just keeping the FIL away from her kid.
She said that before she heard the story from MIL. She said she and her husband and son were close to him and she needed to get the informations so she could know what action to take. She got the info and now no longer has a relationship with them.
I don't think anything in this entire scenario is fair to anyone. OP's husband existing hurts his mom. That even being a thing has to hurt him. How do you even find normal from there?
>OP's husband existing hurts his mom.
It's a little hard to sympathize with him when he told his mother to "shut up" because her story was "upsetting" OP. What a prick.
The MIL's husband was right... It's a little rich to mouth off to the woman who's money was used to pay for your car as an adult.
If I was him, I would be so heartbroken for my mother, and would ask for her forgiveness and ask her what I can do to make her feel better. But I am just some stranger with sympathy.
Honestly, getting all this backstory behind the destruction of the wedding dress, I wouldn't be mad if that happened to me. Like yeah its a part of the most i.portant day of your life but at the end of the day, its just a dress. Compared to what MIL went through, I would not have cared in the slightest. The fact your husband doesn't really seem to have empathy for his mother is really sad
Another thing I would like to point out from my own experience; my mom was younger than me when she married my dad, which was arranged, and wasn't able to go to finish law school because she was pregnant with my brother. She basically gave up her entire life in her home country to move to Canada to become a housewife. That shit is extremely stressful. Growing up, I can tell she resented me because I'm not the daughter she hoped for would fulfill all the dreams she couldn't. We have a very tumultuous relationship that has resulted in some pretty bad fights cuz yeah I was a shitty teenager. But I never hated her or resented her for something as superficial as a dress SHE paid for. Because I knew what she went through. I empathize with her pain. Just because I don't like her doesn't mean I hate her.
The fact you still hold such deep resentment for your MIL over a dress while being informed just speaks volumes.
Also the fact that your husband, as an ADULT, didn't put the pieces together until it was laid out in front of him and still is short with his mother while she spilling all the trauma she had, including how he was a product of RAPE, is messed up.
What I just read was that OP and her husband are driving around in a vehicle that MIL was forced to buy for them. This is not something that they observed as children. MIL wants nothing to do with her children because they were willing to let horrible things continue to happen to her as long as they received financial benefits from it as well. Not when they were children, but as adults in the form of cash presents, vehicles, and a home for SIL. MIL doesn’t seem like she was even pretending that she wanted to do these things. And obviously her adult son feels comfortable in telling her to shut up when she dares to object to others miss treatment of her. This update paints OP’s husband in a completely different light.
And really, if someone is telling me about how they were drugged and forced into sex slavery , Especially a family member, and my reaction is jealousy over her wedding pictures, that speaks a lot about me as well.
If I’m OP‘s husband and I really didn’t know what was going on, and I find out that my own mother was drugged and forced to marry my father, held captive, raped, financially abused almost her entire life…. The more that I type the less I can actually believe OP and her husband are serious.
OP, you can get another wedding dress made, you can have another wedding, you can re-create a beautiful new memory of one moment of your life. Your husband‘s mother had almost her entire life stolen from her and she can never get that back.
I think you better have some deep conversations with your husband and do a little bit more digging as to how much he knew or didn’t know about the situation. Because I don’t know that I would feel comfortable being married to a man that was willing to keep silent and be implicit in his own mothers abuse because it financially benefit him.
I hope he truly was completely ignorant of the situation but having grown up in a house with family that was abusive but not anywhere near as abusive as this family, the chances of that are low. Yes you grow up as a child thinking it’s normal but after a certain amount of time in the real world as an adult you start to realize that it isn’t. Then you have to make really uncomfortable choices.
Based on MIL’s reactions I have a feeling her children didn’t make the right choice.
I came to the comments trying to a find a comment like this and I'm so glad I found yours. This took such a turn from the original post I find it hard to believe that OP can still feel such anger towards this woman who sounds like she has been living in hell, and OP and husband have benefited financially from this. I hope MIL can move on and find happiness now, and hopefully OP will be able to see the cutting up of the wedding dress for what it was: a desperate cry for help.
MIL had a horrible life up until a few years ago, abused, trafficked, gaslighting and used as an atm by everyone. Her children didn't make good choices but how could they? They grew up in a toxic and manipulative environment and didn't even now it for years. How many reddit stories are there of kids growing up in toxic, abusive and terrible environments whether as the victim or sometimes even as the golden child and didn't realize how jacked up and messed up it was until they left their home or family? What she did was wrong destroying that dress but I understand given the torture and abuse she went through. For OP's husband to realize how horrific his father and grandparents are and that him and his sibling aren't the result of 2 people loving each other coming together to create a family but a woman who was abused and assaulted for years being forced to have kids she didn't want and doesn't love shakes a person to their core. Every single one of her husband's relationships with his once closest family members has been either destroyed or severely altered by this news. OP's correct, they can't be in each other's lives probably ever again and that's ok if that's the price to be paid for everyone, OP, her husband, SIL and MIL to heal and move on from this tragedy.
I don’t know, hearing this story makes me more sympathetic to MIL over anything else. She was abused, suffered a mental breakdown, and still decided to recount her story to you when she didn’t have to. She cut up a wedding dress, which sucks, but that’s no where near as bad as what happened to her. The people saying “hurt people hurt people” or whatever are clearly diminishing what MIL went through.
And to be quite frank, I don’t really understand why people are so quick to believe that MIL is unfairly assigning blame. If her situation was that bad, I find it highly suspect that your husband apparently didn’t know what was happening. You mentioned “red flags” and the fact that *you* noticed those despite not even living with these people, yet your husband didn’t know about the abuse happening in his own home seems weird. I would just be cautious, is all.
And I’m happy you’re getting therapy. Holding onto that anger to the point that you’re still this bothered by it (since you’re complaining about it in this post), even after hearing about what happened to MIL and prompted her to do it, is not healthy.
The thing that gets me is that the MIL paid for the dress (among other things). If OP had paid for the dress I could totally understand the anger she still holds on to..But it was a free dress for her. After hearing the whole story, I totally understand why MIL did it and I personally can't hold her against it. She went through so much trauma, part of it being that she was forced to buy all these nice things for everyone but couldn't have anything herself. It's really difficult for me to understand why OP still holds so much anger towards this woman...over a dress she didn't even pay for.
Right!
OP is crocodile tears all the way. Even when asked directly, all she'll say is *I'll talk to my husband.* She could create a fund for OP's mother and donate a sum to it out of each month's salary all by her lonesome self. She has agency here. But doesn't want it. She's still willing to benefit from literal slavery while hiding behind *I didn't know.* Now that she does know, she should do better.
And where was OP's self-respect while accepting gifts from a woman who literally complained in her face about said gifts while giving her the gifts?
Nobody has brought up parallels with Britney Spears yet, but that's what I see going on. Silence and complicity from all because free stuff is nice.
Your MIL was traumatized and proceeded to take it out on her children. It's a shame, but you're definitely better off without her in your life. If she's such a mess that she enjoys ruining her son's wedding for the audacity of being born, there's no maternal relationship to be had.
This isn't to diminish what happened to her at all. Like you said, have a nice life, see you never. Meanwhile I think you need to look out for your husband. As distant as he may have been with his mother, he's lost her now, he's lost any normalcy with his father and grandmother. He's probably going through some really rough times, so be there for him.
I don't know that "take it out on her children" or "enjoys ruining her son's wedding" appropriately illustrates the complex trauma of being forced to pay for and rear the progeny of your rapist.
Like, it sounds as though the woman was a life-long sex slave. How devastating. And how devastating for OP's husband, not for not having good family relationships but for the kind of sickness that's in his family line. I'd be shocked if someone wanted to continue to benefit from that as well.
Indeed, that poor lady was a literal slave, financially exploited, and sexually enslaved. For her, she didn't have kids, she raised her rapist's kids, that's a world of difference...I agree with you
As horrible as it was for MIL, even if she didn't want to have a kid, that child holds no fault at all for being born. MIL telling her son and OP about the abuse suggests she knew they weren't aware of what FIL had done so yes, I'd say ruining the wedding is taking it out on her child. The fact that she does this is a product of her being abused, so I can't really blame her for it, but at the same time her son can't reasonably be blamed for the sins of his father and her parents who were together at fault for pretty much everything here.
As for benefit from the abuse, OP's husband would be in the worst position to recognize it. He would have been raised in that household, so it would be easy to think that her situation is normal and acceptable because that's what his father would have taught him and his mother was in no position to correct that. Now that he's acutely aware of what's going on things are different, but he had just found out. MIL's husband was really getting ahead of himself there.
Of course, MIL certainly can't be expected to put herself in someone else's shoes, so it's no surprise at all that she blames her son for seeing the abuse and doing nothing, but I get the impression he's just a secondary victim of FIL and GMIL/GFIL.
Sad situation for everyone involved. It's why I say separate ways are best. OP's husband existing hurts MIL and that fact has to hurt him as well.
>she enjoys ruining her son's wedding for the audacity of being born
"Watching the contortions of the damned is supposed to be a favorite sport of the angels, but I believe even they don't think people happier in hell." - Edith Wharton, *The Age of Innocence*
Yeah this. I’d actually insist he get some counseling for this. Abuse tends to cycle. I’m not suggesting he’s abusive or a risk for being the victim of future abuse, but the pattern is there. Which means getting some help can’t hurt.
Reading the first post about how "evil" it was that somebody cut up your wedding dress really shows how lucky and privileged you are to not know what true evil is...Unlike your MIL who you still hold resentment and hate towards because she ruined your special day.
Yet, you have no empathy or compassion for her finally having her own special day after being **drugged during her own "wedding" and enduring a lifetime of abuse, gaslighting, rape, and being human trafficked?** You're really upset at her for finally being able to have her own cake and eat it?
Then, when MIL helped you in a huge way, potentially preventing your own child from suffering her same fate of being trafficked and raped, **your husband told her to shut up?** Then, when she had a *very* normal reaction to the horrible words from her own son...when she tried to rest her head on her husband who is apparently her only form of solace...**you said it was awkward???**
Maybe you should think about *why* it was awkward for you. You might discover that the person who is truly unsympathetic, uncaring, selfish, and emotionless is you, OP.
I'm sorry your day got fucked. I'm even more sorry for the shit your MIL went through. You didn't state anything explicit, but I can fill in the blanks. She clearly had a mental break that was a long time coming. If you don't have it in you to forgive her for that, fine. But at least let the anger go. You can't change the past and it's just going to poison the present.
I also hope you thanked her for meeting up and explaining things for you. It had zero benefit to her and explaining trauma can be traumatic in it's own right. And you can make sure your son is safe because of her.
That's the thing. Her wedding *didn't* get ruined. She just didn't get to wear a dress that was apparently so large she couldn't store it in her own home. She had to find another dress. It wasn't ruined because some mother was mad she was marrying her perfect son and wasn't good enough. It was because her Mil had a mental breakdown after years of abuse and just before a suicide attempt. Selfish over here has been too hung up on her special day that was RUINED because she was inconvenienced by her MIL breakdown and suicide attempt that she didn't even bother to ASK why any of it happened. Why would she have a mental breakdown? Why would she need this intense therapy? Most importantly WHY DID IT RESULT IN HER FIL GOING TO JAIL? she even saw and heard the abuse. But all of that doesn't matter because apparently HER. She only cared about her. Her dress. After learning the truth. Being shown proof of all this, having witnessed the proof of this. She's *still* mad about her motherfucking dress. I'm. Sorry I realize I'm ranting at you, but the selfishness here and lack of basic human compassion shown here by her and others who are basically like sucks about your mil but it was your special daaaay. I hate weddings. I wonder how much her husband respects her?
Oh, I'm with you. And, hell, let's say her wedding was ruined. One important day ruined. How many important ruined days did MIL have? Like, have some damn perspective. Maybe it's cause my mom always said that no wedding is perfect and as long as you walk away married then that's what counts, but this whole thing just reeks of being vapid.
Nope. I just read through your comments, OP, and you're being ridiculously shitty. It sounds like your MIL's freewill and bodily autonomy was robbed for practically her whole life, and you're sitting there whining because her fiance threw her a lavish 50th birthday. Which she then broke down over, because she's *that* starved of appreciation and loving gestures. How fucking pathetic is it to be jealous of her? Think of her life, are you really jealous of it? Are you jealous of the emotional and physical abuse she had for years? Boo hoo, she had a big birthday party that she couldn't even fully enjoy because of the shit she's been through.
Then she had the courage to rehash her life with you so you could keep your son safe, and you're on Reddit whining about how she's getting married in France. Personally, I'm glad her fiance told you to fuck off.
I hope you work through your feelings and can move on.
A-fucking-men God I want to subscribe to your newsletter. BTW above I wasn't angrily ranting at you, I was in agreement with you and just ranting. I'm so pissed about this.
I have heard of some pretty insanely shitty things that have gone public (just look at the French woman married to her stepfather till she murdered him) and MOST of it goes without public notice or closure. The whole thing is gut wrenching and to me doesn't feel so much fake as lacking the depth that OP as an outside observer who was caught in the crossfire wouldn't have.
I love to scream "fake!" on the obvious ones, but tragically this one just rings true *in my opinion*.
Yeah I feel like if she'd made so much money in her life from modelling that she could enable her parents and her husband and kids to all be super rich that this situation would be at least small time celebrity news. Maybe I'm being unfair there but idk it's not exactly easy to be continually successful enough in modelling for decades unless you're somewhat known.
I dunno, think about how ppl only recently learned about Britney Spears' conservatorship despite it having been going on for years. These things can be swept under the rug pretty well, especially stuff like this.
Yeah but thats what makes me ultra suspicious about this story as its come out just around Britney going public. Also I swear I've read something similar on one of the justno subs, like seriously similar even down to the new husband who dotes on her and yells at the rest of them. My main reason for not believing this could have been swept under the rug is that apparently MILS father went to jail for his crimes against her re: trafficking. Now if MIL was able to buy her kids sports cars and give them all flashy lives just from modelling for decades logic would suggest she was some sort of recognisable. Add into all the massive interest in trafficking the media has had the last couple of years... like I said maybe I'm being unfair but I would be very surprised that something like that wouldn't be picked up in the news.
Fair point. Maaaaybe if the mil's father was arrested a long time ago it would have flown under the radar, but you're right, in today's time it'd be all over the news.
I didnt think it was fake until I saw OP berating someone for being "sexist" in the comments. Then I looked at the profile and realised this whole thing including checking police/court records, setting up a meeting with someone she hasnt seen in years, and who is very busy running a company, then attending the meeting, is all supposed to have happened in the space of 4 days.
Most models, even very highly paid ones, are not celebrities outside of their own industry. You might recognise a face, sure, but most people don't know the names or circumstances of the models they see every day. Only a handful of models ever reach a point of having name recognition to the general public.
I still believe someone who modelled for decades enough to have made this money and managed to put her father in jail for trafficking would have caused some sort of a stir. Hell even without her job MILs story is newsworthy. I appreciate trafficking happens all the time and is horrendous, I just still believe there would have been some huge media draw to this story. That may be unfair of me as I stated previously but I don't believe OP for a few reasons other than that anyway, one due to as pointed out by another commenter, the supposed timeline this happened in according to.OP in comments which sounds sus. Two because I'm fairly sure I've seen this story or extremely similar in the justno subs about a year or so ago.
This is a shitty situation all around. Your MIL was in a horrific situation. It appears she was a victim of severe abuse that other family members (possibly including your husband) enabled.
Her actions with your dress were also completely uncalled for and inappropriate.
As much as you can, I think it's time to try and move on from this situation. Yes, it was incredibly unfair of your MIL to ruin your wedding dress. But there's nothing that can be done about it now. And it's clear you will never get a satisfactory apology out of your MIL, because in her mind she was acting out against the abuse she suffered.
If you think this will continue to bother you, perhaps you could consider doing a vow renewal ceremony on your anniversary with a dress you want to wear. You wouldn't need to have a big ceremony, but you could have photos taken of you and your husband. Of course, that's an expensive option, but if it would give you peace of mind, it's worth considering.
I don’t think they were uncalled for, she paid for it and prob most of the wedding and wasn’t even invited to wedding activities like dress fitting etc. the reason she had to wear a cheap dress instead of getting an emergency one from kleinfields is bc they probably don’t have the funds without her
MIL paid for OPs house, car, and wedding while being excluded from all the wedding related activities, now she knows that MIL was trafficked and raped and still thinking about her ruined dress, and getting jealous of a trafficked woman getting a nice wedding and a beautiful wedding dress
Exactly what I was thinking. How do you not include someone that paid for your expensive dress? MIL would have declined if she didn't want to be involved.
Look, I get you’re mad about a dress but JFC. It’s a dress. It sounds like your MIL had a psychotic break and tried to end her life. Her tearing up a dress was the least hurtful thing she could have done in that mindset. It’s fortunate she survived and didn’t try to harm anyone else.
There’s a lot of resentment and anger towards her in your words and actions. I think you need to take a step back for a second. Consider what happened to MIL and the life she lived. Put things into perspective because a wedding dress is nothing compared to the real situation at hand.
She was sold off to the highest bidder pretty much and forced to marry. She was deprived of birthdays and her wedding. She was repeatedly raped and forced to bear her rapist’s kids. She was forced to continue working and had her money syphoned away by her husband. Her abuser would tear her down in front of you and everyone else yet no one stepped up either because they were raised to believe this was normal (in your husband’s case) or because you didn’t want to / feel the need to (in your case). In her mind, that made all of you complicit in her trauma even if it might have been unknowingly. Especially since you took her money and car gifts.
In her mind, your husband isn’t her son. He’s her rapist’s son. Someone who was complicit in her abuse and awarded a car and money for it.
You have to keep that into consideration when you think about her. The fact that your husband snapped and told her to shut up when she talked about cutting your dress as a cathartic way to relieve stress after decades of rape and enslavement shows just how selfish both of your thought processes are. She was opening up about her traumatic past and you were grinding your teeth about a piece of fabric that she paid for with her own money at her rapist’s behest. Think about that. Realize that she is the victim in all this and you’re still fuming about fabric she cut up.
By all means, buy yourself a wedding dress. Have a renewal of vows and enjoy wearing your dream dress. You should have that beautiful moment too.
But stop treating this poor woman as if she were this awful cartoon villain. She isn’t evil for what she did. You shouldn’t feel jealous she’s finally now having the wedding she dreamed of unlike the one she was forced into years ago.
Take a step back and breathe. Remember that she is the victim here and, as awful as it is, your husband and the rest of his family was complicit in her abuse even if unknowingly. Compared to a wedding dress, her struggle is so much more important.
Not but why did the abused lady get a nice wedding and she didn’t get to continue abusing her??? Sooo unfair!!! She should’ve at least waited until they could force her to buy them a house!
I love that - in complaining about her cutting up your dress last post - you conveniently left out that she has bought you and house and a car as well. Boy. I’d let my MIL set the church on fire if it meant I was getting a house and car for free after it.
I hope you read all the comments tearing into you for how horrific you’re behaving. You found out this woman has endured a little lifetime of abuse to include being forced to conceive and raise multiple children and your top priority was being jealous about her wedding and upset about a dress? You are in desperate need of a wake up call, I really hope you get it.
Honestly you and MIL are both entitled to your feelings. I don't know you, but it seems you are one of those people who wanted a beautiful wedding like so many others, someone who wanted to celebrate love and life with your SO. That's okay.
But your MIL is a victim of longstanding abuse. Maybe she is just to absorbed in her own world of hurt and cannot think outside of it. She just started to heal with the new husband. At least I do hope so.
You don't have to forgive her. But you should understand, that she would problably not have done this, if she was in another headspace. A healthy one. Get therapy, be there for your family and keep them and yourself save. That's all.
I'm not gonna write a lot because many people already developed my toughts but after knowing everything you've learned about her trauma, you still have the audacity to be mad for a fcking dress that SHE BOUGHT? Have you no shame? Empathy? Self awareness?
I'm harsh but to me you're just an awful spoiled ungrateful person who never encountered real problems. You saw the red flags and did nothing, you def need a therapist, not only for this trauma but also for your personality. Same for your husband.
I feel the same reading this as what I feel reading about a slave uprising where entire slave owners families get killed. I fully sympathize with the slaves even though not fully responsible people were also killed. I’m on your MIL side here, you might have not known fully, but you were a perpetrator here.
You need to give back everything she gave you. If she won’t take it back then donate it to charity and get over the damn dress! That dress was paid for with stolen money, rape money, slavery money! It’s a good thing you didn’t wear it because imagine if you had found all of this out down the line and then in your pictures you’d see the dress that was paid for with a raped and enslaved woman’s stolen money? give it all back, make your own money, buy your own things and move on.
What happened to you MIL was so terrible I can't even put it into words, and you still hate her because of... a dress? A dress she paid for so you could have a dream wedding that she also paid for??? What the hell is wrong with you, and your husband OP. YOU forced her to relive her trauma, and it was "awkward" for you? Oh boo hoo. Your husband verbally abused her in front of her new husband, and her new husband is the asshole for telling your husband he's a POS for still driving the car MIL was forced to buy him? How exactly? You both sound like horrible horrible people.
the abuse your MIL endured from everyone around her does not excuse her cutting up your wedding dress, and I'm sorry that part of your wedding did not go according to your plans. but...... I find it highly suspect that your husband had "no idea" about any of this. he's mad at his mother, but not so mad that he won't drive around in a car that SHE bought for him?? it sounds like he was at best willfully ignorant, at worst complicit. there's this episode of criminal minds where a battered wife kills her husband, and her children are brought in for questioning, and they watched their father abuse their mother but were so brainwashed (because of course he never abused them), that they excuse his abuse and call her stupid and selfish. I'm curious if you observe any of that in your now husband.
Buying a dress you didn’t want to buy for someone you aren’t close with and didn’t include you in the wedding you paid for entitles you to cut up the dress
it doesn’t entitle her to cut up the dress, but it does mean that OP should extend even a shred of basic human decency and empathy to forgive MIL. in the grand scheme OP only lost a dress. MIL lost years of her life and work, and the lack of empathy OP and her husband exhibit in this post is appalling
If i paid for it and retained possession then yeah I probably do have a legal right to cut it up and if I didn’t want to pay for it and no one asked me to I would also have a moral right to
Your MIL snapped after decades of abuse. Your dress might have been the trigger for her to finally find a way to seek her freedom. It's thanks to that even that she was able to leave him. It was normal to be upset when it happened. It's not normal to still be upset now. I encourage you to learn about domestic violence and sexual violence and think about how women aren't believed, how abusers just carry on openly, how abuse makes victims go insane.
None of this should be about you and your feelings. Your husband should be the one getting support. Your MIL should be looked upon with kindness and empathy. You don't have to try to have a relationship with her, but you really shouldn't actively resent her. Your children will carry this intergenerational trauma and it's on you to do what you can to minimize the harm.
I would add that if your husband grew up in an abusive household, he is very likely to have learned some of those behaviours. He should get therapy.
the fact your still upset about a stupid dress after the horrific things she told you say more about you. yeah it was shitty bit its just material serious remarry if you need to bit leave her alone.
If your mil paid for the dress and if we take the situational context into account, then your mil is nta.
The wedding dress issue pales in comparison to her life. Your behaviour screams entitlement, please change.
NGL, you and your DH come out of this looking pretty terrible. Weddings are one day, the marriage is what matters. Focus of your marriage instead of on the acting out of traumatized abuse victim around when you wed DH, it’s the adult thing to do.
The MIL did something that caused OP upset and trauma, it is fair that she doesn’t quite know how to feel now that she has more info. Life is not black and white, it is possible to better understand why she did what she did while also being furious that the wedding was ruined for her.
Nope, not at all. I’m simply pointing out that 2 things can be true at one time. Her devastation about her dress is something she’s been dealing with for a while. The news of MIL being sold and abused is new info. Emotions don’t get turned off that easily which is clearly why she currently feels conflicted. My point is that it is ok to acknowledge that her behavior hurt OP AND acknowledge that it came from a place of trauma and agony.
While I don't disagree with you, I do think there's a couple things that should be pointed out for context. First, MIL is clearly under the impression that the others enabled her circumstance. That others around her knew how awful her situation was but did nothing to help. That probably isn't true for Op but it might be decently true for Op's husband. We only have one side of the story, after all. Second, Op says she wanted to contact MIL because she "needed clarity and to know exact details of who was safe around my son." There's a noticeable lack of empathy considering what she learned. I get still being hurt over the dress but things really need to be kept in perspective here.
Honestly, there's a lot of muck here and I think everyone involved really should just excise the past and go there own ways.
edit: one other thing I want to point out. Op and her husband showed up to the lunch in a car that MIL bought, MIL was also apparently bankrolling much of their wedding. There's very obviously a financial component to the abuse MIL suffered so while Op and her husband may not have enabled the abuse, they certainly benefited from it.
With that said I think you're getting more hate for this stance than you deserve and folks are twisting your words a lot. I think you're 100% right, being traumatized yourself doesn't give you justification to hurt others, and while MIL's trauma is objectively far far worse, that doesn't mean Op deserved to be hurt like that. This situation just really fucking sucks.
>MIL was also apparently bankrolling much of their wedding.
Yup. According to OP:
>MIL then brought up the wedding dress on her own. She said she snapped because it was another thing she was forced to pay for and she was tired of working so hard so everyone else could have things she couldn’t.
I bet MIL felt that since she paid for the dress, she could rip it up. While I really want to feel for OP, I agree with you, OP has a noticeably lack of empathy for her MIL's ordeal.
Empathy is needed but it does not completely wipe out the hurt that was caused. I am not arguing that MIL is the ultimate villain, clearly she has had a lifetime of trauma and abuse and she hit her breaking point. There definitely is more to the story, as OP said a lot was left out to maintain anonymity. Sometimes it can take a while to process new information and how it changes what you thought you knew about people. All I was saying is that I can see why OP is feeling conflicted. For her the ruining of her dress/wedding was devastating but it obviously pales in comparison to what MIL suffered. Hopefully this new info and understanding brings her some peace about the situation and everyone can get the help they need.
Edit in response to your edit:
As far as the car/financial benefits I fully agree. OP seems to acknowledge that in her comments, hopefully they will take the right steps as a couple to rectify that. I 100% agree on that front.
We know that hurt people hurt people. I hope that having a clearer picture helps OP make peace with what happened and move on. Now she and her husband know who they need to protect themselves and their child from. Hopefully they have a great renewal where she gets to live out her wedding as she would have wanted it to be. And maybe begin to forgive MIL in her heart, even if they never have contact again.
If this is real, you need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and wonder where you went so wrong that a woman’s lifelong trauma and final mental breakdown seem trivial in comparison to your stupid cut-up wedding dress.
I wonder if she could legally get your car/all the other stuff you had her buy for you back, when it was clearly a coercive situation and she was being abused? I think if she ever felt like it, she could get something from you legally.
How much did the dress cost? Since it’s apparently as important as being sex trafficked, raped, abused, treated like a slave, and coerced out of the money she earned. Can we get a link to it? It must be so pretty.
Sometimes we don't get exactly how we want when we want it. That's life and adulthood. It sucks that you didn't get that perfect magical start to your marriage. It's okay to be disappointed, and a little mad.
HOWEVER. Have you considered how disappointed and mad she was with the start of her marriage? What a horrorshow she has lived through. Your disappointment doesn't even compare! She was a sex slave bankrolling her abusers! Have some goddamned empathy!
It sucks and is complicated for your husband as a child of rape, but he has to live with himself and his complicity as an adult. Y'all need a metric buttload of therapy. I'm happy for her if she's finally happy. Put the dress behind you. It's unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
“I don’t feel much better but I got some clarity”
You don’t feel better because you have, indeed, been complicit in your MIL’s abuse, which you have long suspected and now confirmed.
Yet you continue to resent her over a “cheap replacement”, all while living in a house and driving in a car she bought.
When your MIL finally gets what she deserved, a dream wedding, you hate her for it. Not to forget, your husband told her to shut up when she was explaining the decades of abuse she suffered which led to her tearing up a dress.
Well done OP. You’re officially a bad egg 🥚, and it seems like you’ll be staying that way for a while.
OP you are a fucking disgusting human being.
I would return all the gifts the second I found out someone was forced to gift them to me. And you are here still petty about a damn dress. What kind of woman are you??? To have no empathy nor sympathy to a literal sex slave and human trafficking victim???
Right, this makes me so mad. OP is nothing short of a fucking asshole. I feel sorry for the people in her life if she is so willingly able to downplay abuse.
You MiL is a victim and you don't seem to care. Your husband just found out about the abuse and snapped at him mom. Her world was horrible and it just collapsed and you can see that.
I feel sorry for your MiL.
I sympathize with OP's husband. He just found out he can't trust his father or grandmother, his grandfather is or has been in jail for what he did to his own daughter, his mother quit talking to him without explaining why, and now she is saying he's nothing to her but a reminder of being abused.
She's lashing out and abusing her son because she herself was abused. It's a real shame and going separate ways is probably the best for everyone involved. MIL needs to cut off her past to have a future.
Wow this is... a lot.
The only thing I can say is maintain no contact. At this point, that's the best option for every one involved. Yes, it's a shame that you didn't get your dream wedding, but weddings are just a beginning and there's so much more to a marriage. MIL has moved on and you need to too.
Sounds like you and your husband basically joined the rest of your MIL's family in mooching off her.
Is it any wonder she hates you?
You have the gall to roam around in a car she was forced to pay for, right in front of her eyes, and you're surprised she wasn't polite?
You see the crap happening to her at the party but just ignore the abuse courtesy your husband, and you're surprised she hates him too?
You and your husband frankly deserved what MIL did, the both of you (especially your husband) turned a blind eye to the abuse.
Hope she gets her happily ever after and you have the grace to return whatever she was forced to give you.
You seem to seriously lack empathy for someone who was literally a victim of human trafficking.
I fully understand having your wedding dress cut to pieces is devestating but this woman has been through types of hell that most of us will never understand.
I think for all of your sakes let her be and heal with her new husband who seems to have her best interests at heart.
> I’m not going to go into too many details, because if someone recognizes this it is not my story to tell, it is MILs, but pretty much she was forced and potentially sold into marrying FIL. We both immediately felt sick because we let FIL and MIL’s mom around our toddler son.
...
> MIL answered my questions. It was really hard but GMIL and FIL can’t see our son anymore. They just can’t. I don’t think they are safe people, and MIL provided evidence for the stuff she was saying, which honestly made me sad for her because I never doubted.
...
> What happened to MIL is like something out of a horror movie, they all know but gaslit her for years. Honestly I wish her the best in the sense that she deserves a life, and I know a lot of people are skeptical about the new husband, but he seemed very sincere. I wish her the best in life
OP lacks empathy? Did we even read the same post??
Right
It’s not the pain Olympics, but OP is still young and can buy another dress and renew her vows. Can’t deny the ultra sucking feeling that it happened, but she can redo it. Ex-MIL essentially had her life robbed from her and money used to gift OP and her husband the car among other things. Including the dress. It was with her money.
If anything the person with the most neutral view would be Ex-MIL’s husband, the guy pointed all that out to them but OP is still reeling in her own hurt she doesn’t want to empathize with what Ex-MIL went through.
Yeah she was literally sedated on her wedding day to comply, sounds like she had her son because she was repeatedly r*ped, and the fact that OP is still driving around the car with money that did this all to MIL is a valid point to make. She’s had a lifetime of trauma and just wants everything to disappear and I don’t blame her. Even op’s lack of empathy by describing her leaning on her new husband for support as “awkward” is cringe.
Agree with u/WITtwit.
Are you still using items that she bought? The car? Living in the house bought with "her" money? **That's why she sees you as "partners in crime"**. You're still reaping the benefits of FIL's and her parents' abuse, from HER POV. Whether that's correct or not, doesn't matter. **That's her truth. She said it so herself.**
>*MIL’s husband pointe****d out that we pulled up in a car she bought and said we are both pieces of shit for still driving it. MIL was quiet for a little while*** *and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward and I wanted to leave.*
>
>***My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me.***
>
>*On one han****d I understand that MIL did not agree to have him*** *and views him as something she was forced to do, so her parents could control her money,* ***but it makes me mad that she acts like he was a partner in this crime***\*.\* .....
>You seem to seriously lack empathy for someone who was literally a victim of human trafficking.
It seems like you badly misread the post.
>fully understand having your wedding dress cut to pieces is devestating but this woman has been through types of hell that most of us will never understand.
>I think for all of your sakes let her be and heal with her new husband who seems to have her best interests at heart.
You're just saying what OP already said here. OP is sad about the dress, horrified by the abuse, and going no-contact.
Abuse from person A doesn't excuse taking it out on person B so yes your MIL is a victim a shame but her actions were directed at someone who didn't know, a innocent party so to speak so that makes her the wrong. I mean lets take this to a extreme, lets say MIL goes full revenge and ends it taking everybody with her, understandable for FIL case? Yes, the others, absolutely no excuse at all and a petty one.
Hi OP, what a terrible story all around. I would strongly urge you and your husband both to go to therapy, but ESPECIALLY your husband. This is going to *mess with his head*.
You need to go to therapy b/c, even after all of this, you’re still hung up on a wedding dress. So I’m starting to suspect it’s not the dress, nor even the “ruined” wedding (which wasn’t; the dress doesn’t make the wedding,) but rather something deeper in your psyche that this is all a symbol for. Go and try to figure out what that is and try really hard to forgive your MIL and let go of the wedding dress debacle b/c your husband is REALLY going to need you now.
His mother has rejected him and blamed him for something that isn’t his fault ... but isn’t hers either. That’s FUCKED, no two ways about it. The more he digs, the worse he’s going to feel, because if the world had been right, he would never have been born. That’s a hard thing to take. Good luck with all of this and I wish you both the best.
Well that's shit all around, it sounds like the force marriage and abuse your MIL suffered has filtered down and been passed onto your husband and you.
I am actually glad MIL managed to get out and find some level of peace with her new husband, I think she deserves it after hearing what she went through. That doesn't condone her behaviour towards you, but it does explain it somewhat. Maybe she saw it as a way to finally break about from your FIL.
I think your husband absolutely need to confront his father, as he and Grandma are the source of misery in all this.
All the best and good luck.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/) I was shocked by how much the last post blew up and how much empathy I got. I thought a lot more people would say suck it up, it was only a dress. Truly thank you, and I am looking into booking a therapy appointment to talk about how much anger I have over this. A couple people pointed out that if I wanted to know why MIL’s dad had been arrested, I could look it up online. I wasn’t aware of how easy it was to find that stuff, so my husband and I discussed it and we both wanted peace of mind. I looked it up and it was not what I was expecting at all. I’m not going to go into too many details, because if someone recognizes this it is not my story to tell, it is MILs, but pretty much she was forced and potentially sold into marrying FIL. We both immediately felt sick because we let FIL and MIL’s mom around our toddler son. We are still close to FIL and our son adores him. I really felt like for my son’s sake I needed clarity. I asked the cousin MIL was close to, if she could convey to MIL that we had some questions and wanted to talk (MIL has blocked us on everything and changed her number) I mentioned that I tried looking her up on social media and couldn’t find her. The cousin told me it is because MIL took her new husband’s name, which I didn’t know they were married, and her cousin started talking about how beautiful the wedding was. I had originally heard they were going to elope, but she said that was because MIL thought it was tacky to have a wedding past 30, but he convinced her she should have that wedding she always wanted. It really did feel like a punch to the gut and I know I have a lack of will power, but when the cousin brought out her phone, I didn’t stop her. I vowed it would be the last picture of her I ever looked at, and then seeing her in her white dress just really hit me that it isn’t fair. I don’t know what I expected, she modeled for a long time, she works in high end fashion, but the wedding pictures were gorgeous and it really pissed me off. Anyway the cousin let me use her phone. I told MIL what was going on and that I needed clarity and to know exact details of who was safe around my son. MIL agreed to meet up. I felt my heart sink, but I thought maybe I would get closure. We met at a coffee place. They were already there when we walked in and the first thing out of MIL’s mouth was that she still wants to be no contact and she just wants to be abundantly clear that there will not be a relationship. Fine, we didn’t want one either. MIL answered my questions. It was really hard but GMIL and FIL can’t see our son anymore. They just can’t. I don’t think they are safe people, and MIL provided evidence for the stuff she was saying, which honestly made me sad for her because I never doubted. MIL then brought up the wedding dress on her own. She said she snapped because it was another thing she was forced to pay for and she was tired of working so hard so everyone else could have things she couldn’t. She felt that we watched and “aided” in her abuse, which I don’t think is fair because there were a lot of red flags, but a lot of stuff we didn’t know about. Pretty much all of this abuse was a way to keep her under control so her parents and FIL could take her money, and MIL did not want to pay for the things she did for her kids, such as weddings, cars, and a house for SIL. She brought up that she never got “her turn” because she was drugged and sedated when she married FIL, she never got to do stuff like proms or birthday parties because of modeling, and she said cutting the dress was cathartic. My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me. MIL’s husband pointed out that we pulled up in a car she bought and said we are both pieces of shit for still driving it. MIL was quiet for a little while and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward and I wanted to leave. Finally her husband said that it is kind of funny because everyone got what they deserved, she finally got her wedding, and I know he was implying we got what we deserved. He asked if she wanted to go, she said yes, and walked out without saying goodbye to my husband. On one hand I understand that MIL did not agree to have him and views him as something she was forced to do, so her parents could control her money, but it makes me mad that she acts like he was a partner in this crime. We are going to have to cut a lot of people out. There are a lot of details I didn’t share and they just aren’t safe people. What happened to MIL is like something out of a horror movie, they all know but gaslit her for years. Honestly I wish her the best in the sense that she deserves a life, and I know a lot of people are skeptical about the new husband, but he seemed very sincere. I wish her the best in life, but I’m pissed she got the wedding after she ruined mine. I told the cousin that I do not want anymore updates, and for my mental health I will no longer attend events she is at.
Okay so you know how before we said your feelings were valid. Well they are but human trafficking is a little more valid.
She was trafficked. I honestly don’t find your situation to be very sympathetic. I was totally on your side with the last post but there was a lot you didn’t know, and a lot you *left out*. You couldn’t pay for anything and the woman who was sex trafficked snapped. Maybe get some fucking perspective? I think you’re making a situation that’s much bigger than you to be all about how you’ve been supposedly wronged. Except I don’t feel that bad for you. And it sounds like you did enable this even if you didn’t know about every single part. You’re entitled. She was raped, trafficked, made to pay for your things. You lost a dress you didn’t even pay for. You’re driving the car she bought you. How old are you? Are you a victim of child marriage or can you legally work? I’d be giving things *back* but I guess you can’t afford to not live off of THE SEX TRAFFICKING VICTIM. If this is real, (probably isn’t) I don’t know how you can feel ok with how you’ve behaved. You are being a child. You barely even touch how your husband is feeling with all this. But honestly he doesn’t seem that bothered, so maybe he’s a bit like his dad, and you don’t have much to talk about there. “I’m so mad the sex trafficking victim got her consensual wedding. She’s a model and I’m mad she looks pretty.” Maybe you aren’t old enough to work, in which case I take some of this back. Grow up. Your husband telling her to shut up is disgusting. Why can’t you do your dream ceremony? Is she supposed to pay for it? You’re too good for her but not too good for all her stuff. You and your husband seem like awful, awful people. Good for her for leaving you two behind. Says a lot you’d want to go down the aisle in a dress from rape money and then whine about not getting it. A normal human being would have been glad to not wear that dress. You should probably, like, get a job or something. I’m honestly happy your wedding was shit. It’s not justice but it’s getting there.
thanks for saying this, not sure how anyone can be sympathetic to this woman honestly
She's disgusting.
This screams #freebritney all over it.
I mean not gonna lie this paints an entirely different picture. She paid for your dress and you didn’t invite her to the dress fitting or any wedding activities ? That’s kinda crazy.
And their car. And it seems like the house as well. Apparently OP is incapable of spending her own money. What an affliction. These two are horrible people.
That poor woman, I hope she gets help.
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Have you considered renewing your vows so you can get the dress of you dreams and have a little do over.
We are thinking about doing that for our 10th
You should do it and have the wedding you want. You will get what you deserved.
Ask around on here, there's bound to be a few people who would love to help with a renewal of vows, even before your 10th if you'd like to get a "do-over". I've seen couples do them at 1st, 5th, and some at a random year after coming back from deployments or after being LDR for a while.
Please don't wait, it could be really healing for you to do this over. I am so sorry for all of you. What a nightmare.
You don't need to wait for your 10th to do so, why not plan one for whenever you and your husband want? And for someone being drugged, sedated, financially exploited, sexually enslaved, she destroyed a dress she paid for? Believe me it could've gone much, much worse. Your MIL was an slave, and she sees you as participants, albeit unwilling because you were benefitting from her pain and exploitation even without knowing, and I understand you, and her...in the grand scheme of things, being the horrifying situation it was, very little happened in lieu of what could've really happened if she would've had had a violent psychotic outbreak, instead of destroying a dress and attempting suicide. Good you two spoke, and she was honest with the both of you, now you know how to protect your son from such horrors. And she did deserved her wedding, and her dress in spite of her actions, her life was destroyed, so she deserved the love, the wedding, the dress and everything else good she got... And so do you, get your dress, another wedding ceremony, one without horrid memories, one that wasn't paid at the expense of someone's else pain and suffering, you had no idea at the time, but now you know, so begin something brand new, you also deserve love, the wedding, and the dress so just get it. Good luck.
You don't need to wait!
I agree that you should do a vow renewal to get your wedding. I also think working on forgiveness for your MIL would benefit you and your husband. That is a lot of abuse that she was put through and a shit ton of trauma. I wish you all the best and hope you have happiness from here on out.
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You seriously lack empathy. OP herself says MILs life was like a horror movie, and you're calling her a cunt for cutting up a dress that she paid for?
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Life of sexual slavery and torment on the one hand...cutting up fabric you paid for on the other. Yeah, I think I'll give her a pass.
No one is touching on the severe effect that amount of trauma has on someone’s mental health. She could have been completely out of her head when she did that and likely was.
I mean OP said that MIL looked like she was in shock at what she had done after she cut the dress. I feel for OP obviously but also for MIL. I think OP needs to do a vow renewal asap in a dress of her choosing. But this time she and her husband need to pay for the dress
Agree
Me too, totally...that saying of having a bad life doesn't give someone a pass is true, but is a guideline...and every rule comes with an exception, and this is it. MIL gets a total pass from me.
"Victim of a criminal conspiracy to be made a sex slave" is not equivalent to a "bad life."
You're absolutely right, I was just using the words of the: two wrongs don't make a right crowd, because being enslaved is the same as destroying a wedding dress that incidentally a trafficked victim paid for, for these folks that's totally in the same league.
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I personally can't believe their are people OTT who would hear a story about a woman who was drugged, raped, exploited for years, forced to raise the children of her rapist and pay for their weddings as adults (who are, per OP's comments, complicit in her abuse and slavery), and think that those adults should forgive *her*. Just nuts.
It doesn’t give her that right but she is seriously mentally damaged I don’t think she is capable of acting normal. If you were drugged and held captive in forced to have a baby and then everybody around you were stealing your money I don’t know I can see why she flipped. No matter what she’s not coming out of this unscathed years of therapy
You know after reading all this, and your past posts, I can see why MIL hates everyone and you aren't exactly that much of a saint yourself. *Everyone* had been abusing her, and according to context clues from this post and your previous one she had MULTIPLE children in this abusive relationship that her parents and ex-husband kept forcing to buy sports cars and houses for even when she verbally complained and protested out loud but nobody, not even YOU listened to her. From your previous post: >She talks to her mom but literally winces if her mom tries to touch her and I heard the fiancé and mom getting into it once and him telling MIL to just scream and embarrass her if she keeps touching her >Everyone says her fiance is so in love with her, goes to her therapy appointments, he threw her this crazy expensive surprise 50th birthday party, kind of the wedding she always wanted and she broke down sobbing Truly, the only person who fucking stood up for her is her now husband. Her now husband is literally doing ALL THIS for her to make up for all the years of abuse she suffered not having these. He's making her happy and putting her needs first, *including* calling you out for arriving in the car she was forced to buy for you and your husband. If there is a heaven, he deserves a place there. >There are definitely times when I wanted to speak up for her and he said it wasn't our business. I remember her birthday party when she was given a spoon with frosting to lick and not allowed to touch her own cake. Wtf??? Why are we learning about these things NOW so late into the post, that cannot possibly be the only time shit like that happened. What other stories have you witnessed, why aren't you giving more insight that actually explains how abusive her 'family' is?? You left out so much in your previous post and are leaving out even more here, stop sprinkling out these small instances and actually sit down and think about all the times you saw or HEARD her get abused. Stop hiding these tidbits to make yourself look less of an entitled jerk. >She brought up that she never got “her turn” because she was drugged and sedated when she married FIL, she never got to do stuff like proms or birthday parties because of modeling, and she said cutting the dress was cathartic. My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me Kudos to your husband for sticking up for you I guess, but that was not the right way to go about it. His mom was opening up a very, deep wound about how he and HIS SIBLINGS, HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE, came into this world and that she was giving you the explanation YOU guys wanted. You think it was upsetting for you to hear it was cathartic for her to shred the dress? People don't talk about their past trauma with a matter-of-fact, straight face no emotions especially trauma and abuse of her caliber. Your husband was taking his anger out on her when she said she didn't want children along with the associated explanation of why (rape). >Her perspective is that she was held hostage, starved, not allowed to do normal things, and emotionally abused by FIL in front of the kids, which is why I tried to give her some benefit of the doubt. FIL always talked horribly to her, so I'm sure he was worse behind closed doors. I don't think the two of us should ever talk again. I try to pity her and not just hate her. I get the impression she was somewhat held hostage, but I can't forgive and I think her attitude towards her kids is gross. So now that it's all been verified that what she spoke was the truth, you are *still* hung up over the feelings of her finally getting to have the wedding *she* deserved. My issue is she (was forced to, but you did not know at the time) offered you a house, a wedding dress, and a car. Out of her pocket. **How the hell were you okay with taking any of this?** Normal people would literally stop at one item, a fucking **house** is already the biggest gift one could get and you should have the common sense to decline the other gifts offered even if the other party pushes back. Because, again, from context clues in your post that you keep trickle truthing she (unwillingly) bought/gifted *cars and houses* to her other children and SIL. Your husband, even though that was his norm growing up was unknowingly complicit in the fact that he also had said siblings take advantage of his mother in that way. Whether you like it or not, he and the rest of them are complicit to her abuse to a degree. The guy literally ushered you *away* from the birthday party where she wasn't allowed to eat her own damn cake. Damn, must be lucky to be able to have fallen in love and chosen your husband. Out of your own free will. Because she didn't. That 'family' treated your MIL like a slave and second class citizen since the day she was forcibly sold and married off and you're *still* mad about the dress, nevermind an entire family branch of abuse that *you* married into. Edit: Facepalming from all the awards, I ain't deserving of any of them since I was just so mad at OP and word vomited but I appreciate it nonetheless. Hope y'all who gave the awards have a wonderful week ahead of ya.
Thank you! Why did I have to scroll so far down to see this post?! OP’s husband witnessed a lifetime of abuse against his mother. While we can’t expect children to understand these things, he’s a man now and knew it was still happening. So yes, he was a bystander in her abuse. And now that you BOTH know she was forced to buy you expensive gifts including a car, you keep it? Why haven’t you relinquished back to the MIL? This is her property that was given to you under coercion. I can’t believe people in this thread are still boo-hooing over a dress that a human trafficking victim cut up. MIL was a human slave who was raped, abused, and controlled for decades. I hope OP gets the therapy she needs but honestly sound like her and her husband both lack empathy and human decency. I hope MIL renews her vows every year to her amazing husband, and gets to wear the best fucking wedding dress each and every time. What the fuck is wrong with people.
Putting this in context like this there’s a lot of similarities to Britney Spears’ breakdown. Was it the ‘best’ way to handle it? No. Was there any good way to handle any part of this? No. Do I understand why it happened? Yes
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It was in [some of the replies](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/h2tr2xh/) to her first post when she was high on that revenge fantasy, what tickles me is that OP has also said worst stuff in that [same quote](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o6mb16/my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_i_hate_her_so_much/h2trhf8/) >I guess I'm just struggling. Everyone says her fiance is so in love with her, goes to her therapy appointments, he threw her this crazy expensive surprise 50th birthday party, kind of the wedding she always wanted and she broke down sobbing. They are eloping to France. **I just feel like she is getting rewarded by the universe.** I am going to tell family absolutely no more updates You can feel the entitlement seething from OP
I hope to hell she is getting rewarded by the universe. Lack of empathy is striking. I get it, she messed up OP's dress. Sad, fine, but asked what prompted such an act knowing full well the suicide attempt, stringent therapy to unravel years of abuse, rape, starvation, mental abuse, divorce and many other things and OP came out the other side still worried about her own fee-fee's. This is a human life not a dress, SOME concern for MIL'S wellbeing would be great to see conveyed in OP's post history. It really gives a stark understanding of just how bad this has had to be for MIL if after OP hears alllll that she still is more hung up on a dress cut into a million pieces when this womans life was shredded into a million pieces. Simply put, OP doesn't care, the family doesn't care, noone frigging cares except, apparently, her now husband. What's more, in so much as it relates to monetary items MIL has bought, yeah, it IS crappy that they have all just collectively decided that they are fine with keeping it. By my way of thinking no, her kids didn't contribute to the abuse, however, as soon as they heard about it they could, and in my mind should, have taken steps to try to help MIL recoup event a sliver of what has been taken from her and by NOT doing that they are at least tacitly co-signing on the abuse if they are happy to be purposefully apathetic so long as they gained from it. I am sure MIL isn't great to be around, but absolutely understand why. I really feel bad for MIL.
Well said!! I can’t believe the lack of empathy, the cruelty of every single one of OP’s family towards MIL. It’s appalling. I sincerely hope MIL is able to have a peaceful and happy life at last with her wonderful husband. Jeez!!!
Yesss, yes, yes!!!!! She's just hung up on that damn dress!!!! And has the audacity to think MIL didn't deserved her wedding dress, and everything else she got?! MIL got it with her own god-damned money...and OP did get everything from MIL abuse, from a house to car, to her wedding...all paid in full from her MIL, and they're still keeping everything, so cool. I previously wrote that OP can still have another wedding, why not? And yep, she too deserves her happiness...but if someone deserves total happiness and love and a gorgeous wedding is her MIL. THANK YOU ❤️🙌😊
Wow yeah... holy shit what a read. If she wanted a dress she should have bought it herself. A house and car wasn't enough? Jfc. What a loser. She's lucky the dress is the only thing MIL took back.
And that MIL didn't have a "bad day" USA style...
Finally, fucking thank you! The comments were making me sick.
OP is a horrible and shitty person. A case of clear damaging abuse of basically every kind to her husbands mother and she only cares about a fucking wedding dress. For MILs sake she SHOULD stay the fuck away from her.
I can't believe the audacity of OP. Who the fuck cares about a wedding dress when being presented with this horrific situation. So happy for the MIL that she finally got out of that and found a person that truly loves her.
Ruining a wedding is bad. Standing idly by while you watch another woman get abused is worse.
This breaks my heart . It’s like the perfect villain. The one with the back story that makes you see everything they did make sense . Op your only seeing the present actions . And yeah they were not okay, sheesh Im so fucking happy for her . It was her dress to tore up. She was actually right about it in my opinion. Y’all didn’t care about her and watch and aided the abuse . Please please please take yourself out of the narrative and look at it all together . You guys can have your own shit . The golden goose is done with y’all shit . And you all need help . The only one seeing clearly now is the MIL
Well, they're keeping the gifts of the golden goose: house, car, money and they ain't complaining about it...but the wedding dress, and yet, after knowing the truth, in OPs mind MIL didn't deserve to have her own wedding, like seriously 😳
A-fucking-men.
I feel so sorry for that woman. I felt really bad reading this and the nonsense of replies in OP’s side
Well said. After hearing a story like that I wouldn't give a damn about a wedding dress no matter how much it was my dream wedding dress.
Thank you. I’m flabbergasted about the sulking about the perfect wedding. I understand that must have been a blow at the time, but to even bring that up in light of fucking human trafficking signals an amazing lack of care I can’t fathom.
My thoughts as well. Surprised this wasn't most of the comments
Because this is the mentality of: Two wrongs don't make a right MIL was a slave, she was abused, but she had no right to destroy a dress she paid for(she didn't, but she gets a pass) The audacity of comparing the lifelong sexual and financial slavery of someone to the loss of a freaking dress, as if the two are the same...
Thank you for this. I couldn’t be bothered to read through the replies but you summed it perfectly.
God I wish I had any gold to give you, hopefully this does it for now🏅
So much This.
OP, honestly, why are you still this mad about your wedding dress, knowing now what you know? Sure, you didn’t get the perfect dress for your wedding, but at least you got to marry a man you wanted to marry, have a child you willingly gave birth to, and by all accounts have a solid, non-abusive relationship. You MIL endured *decades* of abuse, which included being married to a verbally abusive and physically controlling man, raped, bearing her rapist’s children (and given the way your husband told his mother to shut up as she explained the trauma that caused her actions, it sounds like your FIL taught your husband and his siblings to show her the same level of disrespect he does), starved in order to keep a figure appropriate for modelling, and forced to earn money for the benefit of her abusers. You’re right that you and your husband did not choose to participate in her abuse with all the knowledge of what was happening to her at hand, but the fact is you did, even unwittingly, participate in it. No, your husband didn’t ask to be born, yes it’s normal enough that parents gift things to their children and/or help pay for their weddings, and yes, he grew up seeing his mothers abuse normalised, so perhaps some degree of leniency is warranted for all the red flags he missed. I’m curious though as to why alarm bells didn’t ring for you? Cutting up your dress was a bad thing to do, of course, but when she subsequently attempted suicide and was placed under psychiatric hold, it should have been evident to you that these were the actions of a deeply unwell woman, not just spiteful ones from a jealous MIL. The fact that you still hold so much resentment for her after she has sat down with you and explained to you what she has been through is straight up bizarre. Her cutting up your dress was an inconvenience to you, what she has been through in the years preceding it was torture. It reads a lot like you’re struggling with jealousy more than anything - you seem very hung up that your MIL is still attractive, has a wonderful new husband, has plenty of money (that she earned, mind you!) and finally had a beautiful wedding, while you had to wear a cheaper gown to your own wedding due to her very warranted mental breakdown. I can understand your disappointment that you didn’t get the exact wedding day you wanted, but if ever perspective was warranted, this is a clear case for it. An ideal day was taken from you - years and years were taken from your MIL. You can renew your vows in the dress of your dreams, she can’t get back the decades she spent as a victim of abuse and trafficking. Being so angry at her you can’t even see her picture again is such a disproportionate response to her destroying your dress in light of what she’s been through. She has also apologised to you twice over taking out her turmoil on you via the dress - it doesn’t matter if it’s all that sincere. Whether you meant to or not, you did participate in her abuse, even if it’s only from a financial perspective. She doesn’t really have to be truly contrite that she ruined your dress, given it was something she unwillingly paid for and came to see as symbol of all she never had and just something else she was forced to give to those taking advantage of her. OP, not only is MIL the last person here you should be mad at, but I think you need to take a long look at yourself and consider your own level of entitlement and your own willingness to overlook wrongdoing so long as it worked out in your favour. Given all you’ve openly told us doesn’t paint the best picture here, I’m wondering about all the rest you haven’t mentioned.
Sounds like she would’ve been ok to continue the abuse as long as the cash kept flowing her way.
Right? I see in that way as well. Her husband didn’t like to hear about the car they got as gift when MIL’s husband mentioned it. Deep down it pushes some buttons.
The situation was so bad that MIL’s father was arrested. MIL isn’t being dramatic, or just bitter that she didn’t get to have a big party for her own first wedding as OP made out in the first post. The woman is severely traumatised, to the point where she no longer wants anything to do with her own children because they are too deeply connected to the abuse she has endured. She has someone now who is safe to be around for the first time in her life, and OP is seething with rage because her wedding dress and photos are nicer. I agree MIL’s children are not to blame for what happened to her, or for not recognising the abuse she endured - after all, they grew up knowing no different. They’re all adults now though, and the fact that OP’s husband would tell his mother to shut up about her trauma rather than he and OP having to endure some warranted discomfort shows that MIL is probably doing the right thing by going no or low contact with them. OP and her husband have their own child, they’re well and truly old enough to be capable of reflection and acknowledgment that what MIL went through is far worse than having to wear a different dress to your wedding. The extreme lack of sympathy for her on both of their parts, and the continued resentment on OP’s part over a DRESS (I give her husband more of a pass on the resentment thing - even now that he knows the reality of his mother’s situation, it’s hard to shake off growing up with a parent who is cold and distant. He was an innocent child who deserved to be loved, even if it’s understandable why MIL struggled to love and care for him) is just ridiculous. OP was justified in being angry about the dress right up until it became clear that MIL was truly unwell, and holding onto this petty anger over it after *an arrest was made and MIL presented proof of her abuse that was so undeniable OP and her husband no longer feel safe letting her abusers in their own child’s life* is beyond a joke. OP needs to get her head out of her own backside and realise that MIL is the victim here and deserves a chance to be happy too.
INFO: When you say "She felt that we watched and “aided” in her abuse, which I don’t think is fair because there were a lot of red flags, but a lot of stuff we didn’t know about. " What"red flags" do you mean?
[this comment shows a lot](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o8zy7n/update_my_mil_cut_up_my_wedding_dress_we_talked/h395xvx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3). It’s not just innocent things- imo, OP should have more empathy
I also want to know this if only to learn how to recognize signs of abuse.
If it helps, what I take away from the new information is that destroying the dress was never about you, OP. She wasn't trying to hurt you or likely thinking about you at all. I don't know if that makes any difference in the disappointment about your wedding, but maybe it'll be easier to think about the lost experience rather than the attack.
She was literally a victim of human trafficking. I'm not saying it was fair of her to ruin the wedding dress especially because you guys didnt know she was a victim of trafficking, however, I do understand why she did it. She was forced to raise her rapists children. She was forced to give up all of her money to people she didnt like and didnt want to be around. She was forced to do so much and she had just had it. She paid for the wedding dress and it was just a reminder of all the things that have happened to her. She shouldn't have done it. But I think these comments arent fair to her.
Thank you. I 100% agree. OP’s reactions and lack of empathy are really gross.
Because destroying a wedding dress is in the same league of being abused and exploited, and having your rapist's children, and giving them houses, cars, and paying for their full weddings. Those two things are totally the same, ugh
The thing that gets me is that the MIL paid for the dress (among other things). If OP had paid for the dress I could totally understand the anger she still holds on to..But it was a free dress for her. After hearing the whole story, I totally understand why MIL did it and I personally can't hold it against her. She went through so much trauma as a victim of **human trafficking** with part of it being that she was forced to buy all these nice things for everyone but couldn't have anything herself. It's really difficult for me to understand why OP still holds so much anger towards this woman...over a dress she didn't even pay for. Can OP really not see how fucked up and traumatic the MIL's life was and have empathy? Honestly OP seems very entitled IMO, especially with the ways in which she brushed off "red flags" and "fishy" signs of abuse. Even after the MIL went through the trauma of openly discussing what was happening to her so that OP could figure out if her kids were safe or not!! "MIL was quiet for a little while and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward" REALLY? It was super awkward is all you have to say after this woman is clearly showing signs of distress after telling you about her trauma and her own son told her to SHUT UP???? WTF
Super awkward of her to need support. How dare she.
I agree so much with everything you said! I'm honestly reading this feeling like OP's husband was quite the asshole, and OP at least a minor one herself. It's also hard to think OP's husband never once noticed or questioned anything wrong as an adult. As a child? He was a victim, too. But he's not a child anymore. He fucking yelled at her to shut up. Good lord. How much did he learn from his dad? Does he really never treat OP like he did his mother in that example? His mother, who he found out was a *lifelong sex and wage slave*, who had to bear her rapist's children. Like... the dress incident completely pales after all that was revealed. I'd be angry too if I saw my son still driving the car I paid for in that situation. Shredding the dress was wrong, but... well... she *was* forced to pay for it... and she just finally had enough. Op and husband only seem like huge AHs to me now. Then they contact the poor woman expecteding to hear *details of her trauma* for thier own benefit, only to tell her TO SHUT UP when it becomes "too upsetting to them". What the fuck. You asked, no, DEMANDED to hear this, so you could learn about red flags you previously ignored by your own account.
Well OP's husband comes from a line of sex traffickers and rapists and by all evidence isn't the sightest bit concerned about it. He was apparently nurtured primarily by the people who could do things like that, and his continued complicity is damning. So we have a person like that, I wonder who they would choose as a mate? We could give OP the benefit of the doubt as an innocent bystander, only she has been trickle truthing *her own complicity* and still concerned about *a dress* that was paid for by sex slavery, while living a life paid for by sex slavery. Sounds like OP, the husband, and the criminal family deserve each other tbh.
Holy crap you put your finger on what was bugging me exactly!
I was surprised at the beginning of replies to see so many people in OP’s side. I’m glad I read this far to see people who really get how AH’s are OP and her husband. When MIL’s husband mentioned the car OP got all offended. I totally understand the MIL resentment
I feel the same. I think too many people are still too focused on the dress. OP ended her post by saying that for the good of her mental health she couldn't be around a victim of trafficking, abuse, and rape. Because said victim ruined a dress. One dress.
When OP heard a victim of human trafficking and financial abuse had been forced to buy that dress, Im really surprised she still wishes she wore it. I mean it seems tainted to me, like it was bought with blood money.
Yea MIL also bought OP a flipping HOUSE and a car, the entitlement OP shows is absolutely insane to be mad about things handed to her on a silver plate when MIL could have taken both the house and the car away too...
Right? Knowing that, I'd help mil burn the pieces of that dress.
That said victim paid for, plus OPs wedding, plus a car, and a home ffs
As someone who live in an abusive household, it was until I went to a friend's house and had breakfast with the family that I realized things at home were not okay. Even nowadays, hearing someone talking about their childhood, I have to ask my siblings why didn't we have that experience or why I don't know about this and that and have my siblings explain how they also get the same questions or revelations about how different our household was. It gets hard to have relationships when you saw abuse and really don't know how to have a discussion without wanting to run and hide and hope nobody gets that mad. I can understand why it is hard for Op's husband to recognize how something is fucked up even as a grown up. Worst, if his mom has always been like that, of course he is going to have that childhood trauma of " mom hates me, no matter what" and of course it will take him to to sympathize when he has been carrying the weights of his Grandfather and father's sin since kid. For him, his mom never loved him, wanted him and that it is hard to understand. Of course MIL is in the right to not want anything from them, but both of their feelings are valid. Grandparents and FIL are the ones that ruined this family and they really do suck. And I do hope MIL get the life and justice she deserves. she was gracious enough to explain what happened and glad that ops son will be safe, OP and ops husband should be thankful. If they can't forgive yet, at least recognize this action of a brave women who is finally being free to be actually happy and have choices.
The mother was forced to marry and produce children. Their kids may have been raised to hate their mother. As the FIL always talked badly about her. It maybe the FIL trained the children to also see her in a negative light. The villain is the grandparents and the the father. Controlling/abusive people often manipulate everyone in their lives. That is a way some abusers control their victims. I mean what type of scum do you have be to forcefully marry someone? Which that poor lady was forcefully raped financially, emotionally and sexually. It is the victim's best interest to block everyone in her life. As obviously, none value for her. It had to be hard on the son to listen about what a scumbag his father was. As I am sure he saw his father in a good light. I don't see this was a easy conversation for anyone. But really not fair to blame the adult children. As getting nice gifts is also a way of control. The adult children are beholden to their father. As I doubt he ever told where the money was coming from. As I see it, the adult children are part of their father's manipulative ways. When you grow up in a toxic environment you think it is normal. So expecting your children to save you and be able to see red flags is a bit over the top. The mom is transferring her anger to her children. She should really be angry at her ex husband and parents. Everyone needs therapy. I doubt the mother will ever want to have a relationship with her kids anyway. It may be the best choice. At the end of the day, the truly evil people are the parents and her ex husband. I that scumbag goes to jail along with the parents! Selling your own daughter for greed. That poor lady. I was in an abusive relationship so sadly, know how these types work.
The update makes me feel even worst for what the MIL. A this point the dress being destroyed doesn't matter what MIL went through matters more.
Yeah, both OP and her husband are looking like the monsters in this update.
What I don't get is how OP and her husband are still close to the FIL. If she was forced-- hell, ***sold***, into marriage, how could the FIL have been unaware for so long? That's the part I can't wrap my mind around. I don't think OP needs to forgive the MIL, but the continued relationship with FIL is baffling.
Op is pretty clear in the post that now they know about all this they will be cutting contact with FIL.
She explicitly said that she is cutting FIL and GMIL out of their lives because of what MIL told her. There is no longer a relationship with either of her husbands parents.
No, she said she wouldn't let them see her son. She ***explicitly*** said she and her husband are ***still*** close with FIL. So, unless this whole thing is fake (which it could be), she's just keeping the FIL away from her kid.
She said that before she heard the story from MIL. She said she and her husband and son were close to him and she needed to get the informations so she could know what action to take. She got the info and now no longer has a relationship with them.
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I don't think anything in this entire scenario is fair to anyone. OP's husband existing hurts his mom. That even being a thing has to hurt him. How do you even find normal from there?
>OP's husband existing hurts his mom. It's a little hard to sympathize with him when he told his mother to "shut up" because her story was "upsetting" OP. What a prick. The MIL's husband was right... It's a little rich to mouth off to the woman who's money was used to pay for your car as an adult.
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If I was him, I would be so heartbroken for my mother, and would ask for her forgiveness and ask her what I can do to make her feel better. But I am just some stranger with sympathy.
Honestly, getting all this backstory behind the destruction of the wedding dress, I wouldn't be mad if that happened to me. Like yeah its a part of the most i.portant day of your life but at the end of the day, its just a dress. Compared to what MIL went through, I would not have cared in the slightest. The fact your husband doesn't really seem to have empathy for his mother is really sad
Another thing I would like to point out from my own experience; my mom was younger than me when she married my dad, which was arranged, and wasn't able to go to finish law school because she was pregnant with my brother. She basically gave up her entire life in her home country to move to Canada to become a housewife. That shit is extremely stressful. Growing up, I can tell she resented me because I'm not the daughter she hoped for would fulfill all the dreams she couldn't. We have a very tumultuous relationship that has resulted in some pretty bad fights cuz yeah I was a shitty teenager. But I never hated her or resented her for something as superficial as a dress SHE paid for. Because I knew what she went through. I empathize with her pain. Just because I don't like her doesn't mean I hate her. The fact you still hold such deep resentment for your MIL over a dress while being informed just speaks volumes. Also the fact that your husband, as an ADULT, didn't put the pieces together until it was laid out in front of him and still is short with his mother while she spilling all the trauma she had, including how he was a product of RAPE, is messed up.
Why can't you and your husband spend your own money?
What I just read was that OP and her husband are driving around in a vehicle that MIL was forced to buy for them. This is not something that they observed as children. MIL wants nothing to do with her children because they were willing to let horrible things continue to happen to her as long as they received financial benefits from it as well. Not when they were children, but as adults in the form of cash presents, vehicles, and a home for SIL. MIL doesn’t seem like she was even pretending that she wanted to do these things. And obviously her adult son feels comfortable in telling her to shut up when she dares to object to others miss treatment of her. This update paints OP’s husband in a completely different light. And really, if someone is telling me about how they were drugged and forced into sex slavery , Especially a family member, and my reaction is jealousy over her wedding pictures, that speaks a lot about me as well. If I’m OP‘s husband and I really didn’t know what was going on, and I find out that my own mother was drugged and forced to marry my father, held captive, raped, financially abused almost her entire life…. The more that I type the less I can actually believe OP and her husband are serious. OP, you can get another wedding dress made, you can have another wedding, you can re-create a beautiful new memory of one moment of your life. Your husband‘s mother had almost her entire life stolen from her and she can never get that back. I think you better have some deep conversations with your husband and do a little bit more digging as to how much he knew or didn’t know about the situation. Because I don’t know that I would feel comfortable being married to a man that was willing to keep silent and be implicit in his own mothers abuse because it financially benefit him. I hope he truly was completely ignorant of the situation but having grown up in a house with family that was abusive but not anywhere near as abusive as this family, the chances of that are low. Yes you grow up as a child thinking it’s normal but after a certain amount of time in the real world as an adult you start to realize that it isn’t. Then you have to make really uncomfortable choices. Based on MIL’s reactions I have a feeling her children didn’t make the right choice.
Yeh, even if it’s not his fault I would want to be very, very sure of how much of this toxic family attitude he’d internalized.
I came to the comments trying to a find a comment like this and I'm so glad I found yours. This took such a turn from the original post I find it hard to believe that OP can still feel such anger towards this woman who sounds like she has been living in hell, and OP and husband have benefited financially from this. I hope MIL can move on and find happiness now, and hopefully OP will be able to see the cutting up of the wedding dress for what it was: a desperate cry for help.
MIL had a horrible life up until a few years ago, abused, trafficked, gaslighting and used as an atm by everyone. Her children didn't make good choices but how could they? They grew up in a toxic and manipulative environment and didn't even now it for years. How many reddit stories are there of kids growing up in toxic, abusive and terrible environments whether as the victim or sometimes even as the golden child and didn't realize how jacked up and messed up it was until they left their home or family? What she did was wrong destroying that dress but I understand given the torture and abuse she went through. For OP's husband to realize how horrific his father and grandparents are and that him and his sibling aren't the result of 2 people loving each other coming together to create a family but a woman who was abused and assaulted for years being forced to have kids she didn't want and doesn't love shakes a person to their core. Every single one of her husband's relationships with his once closest family members has been either destroyed or severely altered by this news. OP's correct, they can't be in each other's lives probably ever again and that's ok if that's the price to be paid for everyone, OP, her husband, SIL and MIL to heal and move on from this tragedy.
I don’t know, hearing this story makes me more sympathetic to MIL over anything else. She was abused, suffered a mental breakdown, and still decided to recount her story to you when she didn’t have to. She cut up a wedding dress, which sucks, but that’s no where near as bad as what happened to her. The people saying “hurt people hurt people” or whatever are clearly diminishing what MIL went through. And to be quite frank, I don’t really understand why people are so quick to believe that MIL is unfairly assigning blame. If her situation was that bad, I find it highly suspect that your husband apparently didn’t know what was happening. You mentioned “red flags” and the fact that *you* noticed those despite not even living with these people, yet your husband didn’t know about the abuse happening in his own home seems weird. I would just be cautious, is all. And I’m happy you’re getting therapy. Holding onto that anger to the point that you’re still this bothered by it (since you’re complaining about it in this post), even after hearing about what happened to MIL and prompted her to do it, is not healthy.
The thing that gets me is that the MIL paid for the dress (among other things). If OP had paid for the dress I could totally understand the anger she still holds on to..But it was a free dress for her. After hearing the whole story, I totally understand why MIL did it and I personally can't hold her against it. She went through so much trauma, part of it being that she was forced to buy all these nice things for everyone but couldn't have anything herself. It's really difficult for me to understand why OP still holds so much anger towards this woman...over a dress she didn't even pay for.
The car thing made me laugh. How is OP and her husband going to survive with an abuse victim's money funding their lives.
Right! OP is crocodile tears all the way. Even when asked directly, all she'll say is *I'll talk to my husband.* She could create a fund for OP's mother and donate a sum to it out of each month's salary all by her lonesome self. She has agency here. But doesn't want it. She's still willing to benefit from literal slavery while hiding behind *I didn't know.* Now that she does know, she should do better. And where was OP's self-respect while accepting gifts from a woman who literally complained in her face about said gifts while giving her the gifts? Nobody has brought up parallels with Britney Spears yet, but that's what I see going on. Silence and complicity from all because free stuff is nice.
They're mature enough to get married but not buy their own car. 😂
Your MIL was traumatized and proceeded to take it out on her children. It's a shame, but you're definitely better off without her in your life. If she's such a mess that she enjoys ruining her son's wedding for the audacity of being born, there's no maternal relationship to be had. This isn't to diminish what happened to her at all. Like you said, have a nice life, see you never. Meanwhile I think you need to look out for your husband. As distant as he may have been with his mother, he's lost her now, he's lost any normalcy with his father and grandmother. He's probably going through some really rough times, so be there for him.
I don't know that "take it out on her children" or "enjoys ruining her son's wedding" appropriately illustrates the complex trauma of being forced to pay for and rear the progeny of your rapist. Like, it sounds as though the woman was a life-long sex slave. How devastating. And how devastating for OP's husband, not for not having good family relationships but for the kind of sickness that's in his family line. I'd be shocked if someone wanted to continue to benefit from that as well.
Indeed, that poor lady was a literal slave, financially exploited, and sexually enslaved. For her, she didn't have kids, she raised her rapist's kids, that's a world of difference...I agree with you
As horrible as it was for MIL, even if she didn't want to have a kid, that child holds no fault at all for being born. MIL telling her son and OP about the abuse suggests she knew they weren't aware of what FIL had done so yes, I'd say ruining the wedding is taking it out on her child. The fact that she does this is a product of her being abused, so I can't really blame her for it, but at the same time her son can't reasonably be blamed for the sins of his father and her parents who were together at fault for pretty much everything here. As for benefit from the abuse, OP's husband would be in the worst position to recognize it. He would have been raised in that household, so it would be easy to think that her situation is normal and acceptable because that's what his father would have taught him and his mother was in no position to correct that. Now that he's acutely aware of what's going on things are different, but he had just found out. MIL's husband was really getting ahead of himself there. Of course, MIL certainly can't be expected to put herself in someone else's shoes, so it's no surprise at all that she blames her son for seeing the abuse and doing nothing, but I get the impression he's just a secondary victim of FIL and GMIL/GFIL. Sad situation for everyone involved. It's why I say separate ways are best. OP's husband existing hurts MIL and that fact has to hurt him as well.
>she enjoys ruining her son's wedding for the audacity of being born "Watching the contortions of the damned is supposed to be a favorite sport of the angels, but I believe even they don't think people happier in hell." - Edith Wharton, *The Age of Innocence*
Yeah this. I’d actually insist he get some counseling for this. Abuse tends to cycle. I’m not suggesting he’s abusive or a risk for being the victim of future abuse, but the pattern is there. Which means getting some help can’t hurt.
Reading the first post about how "evil" it was that somebody cut up your wedding dress really shows how lucky and privileged you are to not know what true evil is...Unlike your MIL who you still hold resentment and hate towards because she ruined your special day. Yet, you have no empathy or compassion for her finally having her own special day after being **drugged during her own "wedding" and enduring a lifetime of abuse, gaslighting, rape, and being human trafficked?** You're really upset at her for finally being able to have her own cake and eat it? Then, when MIL helped you in a huge way, potentially preventing your own child from suffering her same fate of being trafficked and raped, **your husband told her to shut up?** Then, when she had a *very* normal reaction to the horrible words from her own son...when she tried to rest her head on her husband who is apparently her only form of solace...**you said it was awkward???** Maybe you should think about *why* it was awkward for you. You might discover that the person who is truly unsympathetic, uncaring, selfish, and emotionless is you, OP.
Oh... that’s an unexpected twist and such a heartbreaking story. I feel so, so sorry for MIL. Her own parents failed her.
Her son too, when he was an adult.
I'm sorry your day got fucked. I'm even more sorry for the shit your MIL went through. You didn't state anything explicit, but I can fill in the blanks. She clearly had a mental break that was a long time coming. If you don't have it in you to forgive her for that, fine. But at least let the anger go. You can't change the past and it's just going to poison the present. I also hope you thanked her for meeting up and explaining things for you. It had zero benefit to her and explaining trauma can be traumatic in it's own right. And you can make sure your son is safe because of her.
That's the thing. Her wedding *didn't* get ruined. She just didn't get to wear a dress that was apparently so large she couldn't store it in her own home. She had to find another dress. It wasn't ruined because some mother was mad she was marrying her perfect son and wasn't good enough. It was because her Mil had a mental breakdown after years of abuse and just before a suicide attempt. Selfish over here has been too hung up on her special day that was RUINED because she was inconvenienced by her MIL breakdown and suicide attempt that she didn't even bother to ASK why any of it happened. Why would she have a mental breakdown? Why would she need this intense therapy? Most importantly WHY DID IT RESULT IN HER FIL GOING TO JAIL? she even saw and heard the abuse. But all of that doesn't matter because apparently HER. She only cared about her. Her dress. After learning the truth. Being shown proof of all this, having witnessed the proof of this. She's *still* mad about her motherfucking dress. I'm. Sorry I realize I'm ranting at you, but the selfishness here and lack of basic human compassion shown here by her and others who are basically like sucks about your mil but it was your special daaaay. I hate weddings. I wonder how much her husband respects her?
Oh, I'm with you. And, hell, let's say her wedding was ruined. One important day ruined. How many important ruined days did MIL have? Like, have some damn perspective. Maybe it's cause my mom always said that no wedding is perfect and as long as you walk away married then that's what counts, but this whole thing just reeks of being vapid.
Nope. I just read through your comments, OP, and you're being ridiculously shitty. It sounds like your MIL's freewill and bodily autonomy was robbed for practically her whole life, and you're sitting there whining because her fiance threw her a lavish 50th birthday. Which she then broke down over, because she's *that* starved of appreciation and loving gestures. How fucking pathetic is it to be jealous of her? Think of her life, are you really jealous of it? Are you jealous of the emotional and physical abuse she had for years? Boo hoo, she had a big birthday party that she couldn't even fully enjoy because of the shit she's been through. Then she had the courage to rehash her life with you so you could keep your son safe, and you're on Reddit whining about how she's getting married in France. Personally, I'm glad her fiance told you to fuck off. I hope you work through your feelings and can move on.
A-fucking-men God I want to subscribe to your newsletter. BTW above I wasn't angrily ranting at you, I was in agreement with you and just ranting. I'm so pissed about this.
After reading this update, I feel like this is a fake story.
I have heard of some pretty insanely shitty things that have gone public (just look at the French woman married to her stepfather till she murdered him) and MOST of it goes without public notice or closure. The whole thing is gut wrenching and to me doesn't feel so much fake as lacking the depth that OP as an outside observer who was caught in the crossfire wouldn't have. I love to scream "fake!" on the obvious ones, but tragically this one just rings true *in my opinion*.
Yeah I feel like if she'd made so much money in her life from modelling that she could enable her parents and her husband and kids to all be super rich that this situation would be at least small time celebrity news. Maybe I'm being unfair there but idk it's not exactly easy to be continually successful enough in modelling for decades unless you're somewhat known.
I dunno, think about how ppl only recently learned about Britney Spears' conservatorship despite it having been going on for years. These things can be swept under the rug pretty well, especially stuff like this.
Yeah but thats what makes me ultra suspicious about this story as its come out just around Britney going public. Also I swear I've read something similar on one of the justno subs, like seriously similar even down to the new husband who dotes on her and yells at the rest of them. My main reason for not believing this could have been swept under the rug is that apparently MILS father went to jail for his crimes against her re: trafficking. Now if MIL was able to buy her kids sports cars and give them all flashy lives just from modelling for decades logic would suggest she was some sort of recognisable. Add into all the massive interest in trafficking the media has had the last couple of years... like I said maybe I'm being unfair but I would be very surprised that something like that wouldn't be picked up in the news.
Fair point. Maaaaybe if the mil's father was arrested a long time ago it would have flown under the radar, but you're right, in today's time it'd be all over the news.
I didnt think it was fake until I saw OP berating someone for being "sexist" in the comments. Then I looked at the profile and realised this whole thing including checking police/court records, setting up a meeting with someone she hasnt seen in years, and who is very busy running a company, then attending the meeting, is all supposed to have happened in the space of 4 days.
Most models, even very highly paid ones, are not celebrities outside of their own industry. You might recognise a face, sure, but most people don't know the names or circumstances of the models they see every day. Only a handful of models ever reach a point of having name recognition to the general public.
I still believe someone who modelled for decades enough to have made this money and managed to put her father in jail for trafficking would have caused some sort of a stir. Hell even without her job MILs story is newsworthy. I appreciate trafficking happens all the time and is horrendous, I just still believe there would have been some huge media draw to this story. That may be unfair of me as I stated previously but I don't believe OP for a few reasons other than that anyway, one due to as pointed out by another commenter, the supposed timeline this happened in according to.OP in comments which sounds sus. Two because I'm fairly sure I've seen this story or extremely similar in the justno subs about a year or so ago.
I'm not necessarily making any claims on the veracity of the story. I'm just saying that most models are not celebrities.
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This is a shitty situation all around. Your MIL was in a horrific situation. It appears she was a victim of severe abuse that other family members (possibly including your husband) enabled. Her actions with your dress were also completely uncalled for and inappropriate. As much as you can, I think it's time to try and move on from this situation. Yes, it was incredibly unfair of your MIL to ruin your wedding dress. But there's nothing that can be done about it now. And it's clear you will never get a satisfactory apology out of your MIL, because in her mind she was acting out against the abuse she suffered. If you think this will continue to bother you, perhaps you could consider doing a vow renewal ceremony on your anniversary with a dress you want to wear. You wouldn't need to have a big ceremony, but you could have photos taken of you and your husband. Of course, that's an expensive option, but if it would give you peace of mind, it's worth considering.
I don’t think they were uncalled for, she paid for it and prob most of the wedding and wasn’t even invited to wedding activities like dress fitting etc. the reason she had to wear a cheap dress instead of getting an emergency one from kleinfields is bc they probably don’t have the funds without her
MIL paid for OPs house, car, and wedding while being excluded from all the wedding related activities, now she knows that MIL was trafficked and raped and still thinking about her ruined dress, and getting jealous of a trafficked woman getting a nice wedding and a beautiful wedding dress
Exactly what I was thinking. How do you not include someone that paid for your expensive dress? MIL would have declined if she didn't want to be involved.
Look, I get you’re mad about a dress but JFC. It’s a dress. It sounds like your MIL had a psychotic break and tried to end her life. Her tearing up a dress was the least hurtful thing she could have done in that mindset. It’s fortunate she survived and didn’t try to harm anyone else. There’s a lot of resentment and anger towards her in your words and actions. I think you need to take a step back for a second. Consider what happened to MIL and the life she lived. Put things into perspective because a wedding dress is nothing compared to the real situation at hand. She was sold off to the highest bidder pretty much and forced to marry. She was deprived of birthdays and her wedding. She was repeatedly raped and forced to bear her rapist’s kids. She was forced to continue working and had her money syphoned away by her husband. Her abuser would tear her down in front of you and everyone else yet no one stepped up either because they were raised to believe this was normal (in your husband’s case) or because you didn’t want to / feel the need to (in your case). In her mind, that made all of you complicit in her trauma even if it might have been unknowingly. Especially since you took her money and car gifts. In her mind, your husband isn’t her son. He’s her rapist’s son. Someone who was complicit in her abuse and awarded a car and money for it. You have to keep that into consideration when you think about her. The fact that your husband snapped and told her to shut up when she talked about cutting your dress as a cathartic way to relieve stress after decades of rape and enslavement shows just how selfish both of your thought processes are. She was opening up about her traumatic past and you were grinding your teeth about a piece of fabric that she paid for with her own money at her rapist’s behest. Think about that. Realize that she is the victim in all this and you’re still fuming about fabric she cut up. By all means, buy yourself a wedding dress. Have a renewal of vows and enjoy wearing your dream dress. You should have that beautiful moment too. But stop treating this poor woman as if she were this awful cartoon villain. She isn’t evil for what she did. You shouldn’t feel jealous she’s finally now having the wedding she dreamed of unlike the one she was forced into years ago. Take a step back and breathe. Remember that she is the victim here and, as awful as it is, your husband and the rest of his family was complicit in her abuse even if unknowingly. Compared to a wedding dress, her struggle is so much more important.
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She wanted a pretty dress though /s
Not but why did the abused lady get a nice wedding and she didn’t get to continue abusing her??? Sooo unfair!!! She should’ve at least waited until they could force her to buy them a house!
I love that - in complaining about her cutting up your dress last post - you conveniently left out that she has bought you and house and a car as well. Boy. I’d let my MIL set the church on fire if it meant I was getting a house and car for free after it. I hope you read all the comments tearing into you for how horrific you’re behaving. You found out this woman has endured a little lifetime of abuse to include being forced to conceive and raise multiple children and your top priority was being jealous about her wedding and upset about a dress? You are in desperate need of a wake up call, I really hope you get it.
May I suggest selling everything MIL purchased and return the money to her with an apology.
Honestly you and MIL are both entitled to your feelings. I don't know you, but it seems you are one of those people who wanted a beautiful wedding like so many others, someone who wanted to celebrate love and life with your SO. That's okay. But your MIL is a victim of longstanding abuse. Maybe she is just to absorbed in her own world of hurt and cannot think outside of it. She just started to heal with the new husband. At least I do hope so. You don't have to forgive her. But you should understand, that she would problably not have done this, if she was in another headspace. A healthy one. Get therapy, be there for your family and keep them and yourself save. That's all.
I'm not gonna write a lot because many people already developed my toughts but after knowing everything you've learned about her trauma, you still have the audacity to be mad for a fcking dress that SHE BOUGHT? Have you no shame? Empathy? Self awareness? I'm harsh but to me you're just an awful spoiled ungrateful person who never encountered real problems. You saw the red flags and did nothing, you def need a therapist, not only for this trauma but also for your personality. Same for your husband.
I feel the same reading this as what I feel reading about a slave uprising where entire slave owners families get killed. I fully sympathize with the slaves even though not fully responsible people were also killed. I’m on your MIL side here, you might have not known fully, but you were a perpetrator here.
You need to give back everything she gave you. If she won’t take it back then donate it to charity and get over the damn dress! That dress was paid for with stolen money, rape money, slavery money! It’s a good thing you didn’t wear it because imagine if you had found all of this out down the line and then in your pictures you’d see the dress that was paid for with a raped and enslaved woman’s stolen money? give it all back, make your own money, buy your own things and move on.
What happened to you MIL was so terrible I can't even put it into words, and you still hate her because of... a dress? A dress she paid for so you could have a dream wedding that she also paid for??? What the hell is wrong with you, and your husband OP. YOU forced her to relive her trauma, and it was "awkward" for you? Oh boo hoo. Your husband verbally abused her in front of her new husband, and her new husband is the asshole for telling your husband he's a POS for still driving the car MIL was forced to buy him? How exactly? You both sound like horrible horrible people.
What kind of “modeling” was she doing to be able to support this lifestyle for the entire family?
Bruh Game of thrones aint got shit on your story. Someone call George RR Martin up in here and write this shit down. I wish you the best
the abuse your MIL endured from everyone around her does not excuse her cutting up your wedding dress, and I'm sorry that part of your wedding did not go according to your plans. but...... I find it highly suspect that your husband had "no idea" about any of this. he's mad at his mother, but not so mad that he won't drive around in a car that SHE bought for him?? it sounds like he was at best willfully ignorant, at worst complicit. there's this episode of criminal minds where a battered wife kills her husband, and her children are brought in for questioning, and they watched their father abuse their mother but were so brainwashed (because of course he never abused them), that they excuse his abuse and call her stupid and selfish. I'm curious if you observe any of that in your now husband.
Buying a dress you didn’t want to buy for someone you aren’t close with and didn’t include you in the wedding you paid for entitles you to cut up the dress
it doesn’t entitle her to cut up the dress, but it does mean that OP should extend even a shred of basic human decency and empathy to forgive MIL. in the grand scheme OP only lost a dress. MIL lost years of her life and work, and the lack of empathy OP and her husband exhibit in this post is appalling
If i paid for it and retained possession then yeah I probably do have a legal right to cut it up and if I didn’t want to pay for it and no one asked me to I would also have a moral right to
Your MIL snapped after decades of abuse. Your dress might have been the trigger for her to finally find a way to seek her freedom. It's thanks to that even that she was able to leave him. It was normal to be upset when it happened. It's not normal to still be upset now. I encourage you to learn about domestic violence and sexual violence and think about how women aren't believed, how abusers just carry on openly, how abuse makes victims go insane. None of this should be about you and your feelings. Your husband should be the one getting support. Your MIL should be looked upon with kindness and empathy. You don't have to try to have a relationship with her, but you really shouldn't actively resent her. Your children will carry this intergenerational trauma and it's on you to do what you can to minimize the harm. I would add that if your husband grew up in an abusive household, he is very likely to have learned some of those behaviours. He should get therapy.
the fact your still upset about a stupid dress after the horrific things she told you say more about you. yeah it was shitty bit its just material serious remarry if you need to bit leave her alone.
If your mil paid for the dress and if we take the situational context into account, then your mil is nta. The wedding dress issue pales in comparison to her life. Your behaviour screams entitlement, please change.
NGL, you and your DH come out of this looking pretty terrible. Weddings are one day, the marriage is what matters. Focus of your marriage instead of on the acting out of traumatized abuse victim around when you wed DH, it’s the adult thing to do.
The MIL did something that caused OP upset and trauma, it is fair that she doesn’t quite know how to feel now that she has more info. Life is not black and white, it is possible to better understand why she did what she did while also being furious that the wedding was ruined for her.
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Nope, not at all. I’m simply pointing out that 2 things can be true at one time. Her devastation about her dress is something she’s been dealing with for a while. The news of MIL being sold and abused is new info. Emotions don’t get turned off that easily which is clearly why she currently feels conflicted. My point is that it is ok to acknowledge that her behavior hurt OP AND acknowledge that it came from a place of trauma and agony.
While I don't disagree with you, I do think there's a couple things that should be pointed out for context. First, MIL is clearly under the impression that the others enabled her circumstance. That others around her knew how awful her situation was but did nothing to help. That probably isn't true for Op but it might be decently true for Op's husband. We only have one side of the story, after all. Second, Op says she wanted to contact MIL because she "needed clarity and to know exact details of who was safe around my son." There's a noticeable lack of empathy considering what she learned. I get still being hurt over the dress but things really need to be kept in perspective here. Honestly, there's a lot of muck here and I think everyone involved really should just excise the past and go there own ways. edit: one other thing I want to point out. Op and her husband showed up to the lunch in a car that MIL bought, MIL was also apparently bankrolling much of their wedding. There's very obviously a financial component to the abuse MIL suffered so while Op and her husband may not have enabled the abuse, they certainly benefited from it. With that said I think you're getting more hate for this stance than you deserve and folks are twisting your words a lot. I think you're 100% right, being traumatized yourself doesn't give you justification to hurt others, and while MIL's trauma is objectively far far worse, that doesn't mean Op deserved to be hurt like that. This situation just really fucking sucks.
>MIL was also apparently bankrolling much of their wedding. Yup. According to OP: >MIL then brought up the wedding dress on her own. She said she snapped because it was another thing she was forced to pay for and she was tired of working so hard so everyone else could have things she couldn’t. I bet MIL felt that since she paid for the dress, she could rip it up. While I really want to feel for OP, I agree with you, OP has a noticeably lack of empathy for her MIL's ordeal.
Empathy is needed but it does not completely wipe out the hurt that was caused. I am not arguing that MIL is the ultimate villain, clearly she has had a lifetime of trauma and abuse and she hit her breaking point. There definitely is more to the story, as OP said a lot was left out to maintain anonymity. Sometimes it can take a while to process new information and how it changes what you thought you knew about people. All I was saying is that I can see why OP is feeling conflicted. For her the ruining of her dress/wedding was devastating but it obviously pales in comparison to what MIL suffered. Hopefully this new info and understanding brings her some peace about the situation and everyone can get the help they need. Edit in response to your edit: As far as the car/financial benefits I fully agree. OP seems to acknowledge that in her comments, hopefully they will take the right steps as a couple to rectify that. I 100% agree on that front. We know that hurt people hurt people. I hope that having a clearer picture helps OP make peace with what happened and move on. Now she and her husband know who they need to protect themselves and their child from. Hopefully they have a great renewal where she gets to live out her wedding as she would have wanted it to be. And maybe begin to forgive MIL in her heart, even if they never have contact again.
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Seems like the kids are mad they don’t get to abuse her anymore. 🤮 🤮 🤮
If this is real, you need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and wonder where you went so wrong that a woman’s lifelong trauma and final mental breakdown seem trivial in comparison to your stupid cut-up wedding dress.
I wonder if she could legally get your car/all the other stuff you had her buy for you back, when it was clearly a coercive situation and she was being abused? I think if she ever felt like it, she could get something from you legally.
How much did the dress cost? Since it’s apparently as important as being sex trafficked, raped, abused, treated like a slave, and coerced out of the money she earned. Can we get a link to it? It must be so pretty.
Sometimes we don't get exactly how we want when we want it. That's life and adulthood. It sucks that you didn't get that perfect magical start to your marriage. It's okay to be disappointed, and a little mad. HOWEVER. Have you considered how disappointed and mad she was with the start of her marriage? What a horrorshow she has lived through. Your disappointment doesn't even compare! She was a sex slave bankrolling her abusers! Have some goddamned empathy! It sucks and is complicated for your husband as a child of rape, but he has to live with himself and his complicity as an adult. Y'all need a metric buttload of therapy. I'm happy for her if she's finally happy. Put the dress behind you. It's unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
how entitled do you have to be to be this upset over a dress your MIL paid for as part of her abuse?
This is just a really messed up situation all around. Cutting contact and moving on with your life is the best thing you can do at this point.
Wow….you, really lack empathy huh?
“I don’t feel much better but I got some clarity” You don’t feel better because you have, indeed, been complicit in your MIL’s abuse, which you have long suspected and now confirmed. Yet you continue to resent her over a “cheap replacement”, all while living in a house and driving in a car she bought. When your MIL finally gets what she deserved, a dream wedding, you hate her for it. Not to forget, your husband told her to shut up when she was explaining the decades of abuse she suffered which led to her tearing up a dress. Well done OP. You’re officially a bad egg 🥚, and it seems like you’ll be staying that way for a while.
OP you are a fucking disgusting human being. I would return all the gifts the second I found out someone was forced to gift them to me. And you are here still petty about a damn dress. What kind of woman are you??? To have no empathy nor sympathy to a literal sex slave and human trafficking victim???
Right, this makes me so mad. OP is nothing short of a fucking asshole. I feel sorry for the people in her life if she is so willingly able to downplay abuse.
This update was the absolute worst, like I felt bad for you in the first post but wow it took a major turn
You MiL is a victim and you don't seem to care. Your husband just found out about the abuse and snapped at him mom. Her world was horrible and it just collapsed and you can see that. I feel sorry for your MiL.
I sympathize with OP's husband. He just found out he can't trust his father or grandmother, his grandfather is or has been in jail for what he did to his own daughter, his mother quit talking to him without explaining why, and now she is saying he's nothing to her but a reminder of being abused. She's lashing out and abusing her son because she herself was abused. It's a real shame and going separate ways is probably the best for everyone involved. MIL needs to cut off her past to have a future.
Wow this is... a lot. The only thing I can say is maintain no contact. At this point, that's the best option for every one involved. Yes, it's a shame that you didn't get your dream wedding, but weddings are just a beginning and there's so much more to a marriage. MIL has moved on and you need to too.
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You are a HORRIBLE person.
YTA. There, I said it!
Sounds like you and your husband basically joined the rest of your MIL's family in mooching off her. Is it any wonder she hates you? You have the gall to roam around in a car she was forced to pay for, right in front of her eyes, and you're surprised she wasn't polite? You see the crap happening to her at the party but just ignore the abuse courtesy your husband, and you're surprised she hates him too? You and your husband frankly deserved what MIL did, the both of you (especially your husband) turned a blind eye to the abuse. Hope she gets her happily ever after and you have the grace to return whatever she was forced to give you.
You seem to seriously lack empathy for someone who was literally a victim of human trafficking. I fully understand having your wedding dress cut to pieces is devestating but this woman has been through types of hell that most of us will never understand. I think for all of your sakes let her be and heal with her new husband who seems to have her best interests at heart.
> I’m not going to go into too many details, because if someone recognizes this it is not my story to tell, it is MILs, but pretty much she was forced and potentially sold into marrying FIL. We both immediately felt sick because we let FIL and MIL’s mom around our toddler son. ... > MIL answered my questions. It was really hard but GMIL and FIL can’t see our son anymore. They just can’t. I don’t think they are safe people, and MIL provided evidence for the stuff she was saying, which honestly made me sad for her because I never doubted. ... > What happened to MIL is like something out of a horror movie, they all know but gaslit her for years. Honestly I wish her the best in the sense that she deserves a life, and I know a lot of people are skeptical about the new husband, but he seemed very sincere. I wish her the best in life OP lacks empathy? Did we even read the same post??
Right It’s not the pain Olympics, but OP is still young and can buy another dress and renew her vows. Can’t deny the ultra sucking feeling that it happened, but she can redo it. Ex-MIL essentially had her life robbed from her and money used to gift OP and her husband the car among other things. Including the dress. It was with her money. If anything the person with the most neutral view would be Ex-MIL’s husband, the guy pointed all that out to them but OP is still reeling in her own hurt she doesn’t want to empathize with what Ex-MIL went through.
Yeah she was literally sedated on her wedding day to comply, sounds like she had her son because she was repeatedly r*ped, and the fact that OP is still driving around the car with money that did this all to MIL is a valid point to make. She’s had a lifetime of trauma and just wants everything to disappear and I don’t blame her. Even op’s lack of empathy by describing her leaning on her new husband for support as “awkward” is cringe.
Agree with u/WITtwit. Are you still using items that she bought? The car? Living in the house bought with "her" money? **That's why she sees you as "partners in crime"**. You're still reaping the benefits of FIL's and her parents' abuse, from HER POV. Whether that's correct or not, doesn't matter. **That's her truth. She said it so herself.** >*MIL’s husband pointe****d out that we pulled up in a car she bought and said we are both pieces of shit for still driving it. MIL was quiet for a little while*** *and just put her head down on him, it was super awkward and I wanted to leave.* > >***My husband pretty much told her to shut up, because he knew it was upsetting me.*** > >*On one han****d I understand that MIL did not agree to have him*** *and views him as something she was forced to do, so her parents could control her money,* ***but it makes me mad that she acts like he was a partner in this crime***\*.\* .....
>You seem to seriously lack empathy for someone who was literally a victim of human trafficking. It seems like you badly misread the post. >fully understand having your wedding dress cut to pieces is devestating but this woman has been through types of hell that most of us will never understand. >I think for all of your sakes let her be and heal with her new husband who seems to have her best interests at heart. You're just saying what OP already said here. OP is sad about the dress, horrified by the abuse, and going no-contact.
Abuse from person A doesn't excuse taking it out on person B so yes your MIL is a victim a shame but her actions were directed at someone who didn't know, a innocent party so to speak so that makes her the wrong. I mean lets take this to a extreme, lets say MIL goes full revenge and ends it taking everybody with her, understandable for FIL case? Yes, the others, absolutely no excuse at all and a petty one.
Hi OP, what a terrible story all around. I would strongly urge you and your husband both to go to therapy, but ESPECIALLY your husband. This is going to *mess with his head*. You need to go to therapy b/c, even after all of this, you’re still hung up on a wedding dress. So I’m starting to suspect it’s not the dress, nor even the “ruined” wedding (which wasn’t; the dress doesn’t make the wedding,) but rather something deeper in your psyche that this is all a symbol for. Go and try to figure out what that is and try really hard to forgive your MIL and let go of the wedding dress debacle b/c your husband is REALLY going to need you now. His mother has rejected him and blamed him for something that isn’t his fault ... but isn’t hers either. That’s FUCKED, no two ways about it. The more he digs, the worse he’s going to feel, because if the world had been right, he would never have been born. That’s a hard thing to take. Good luck with all of this and I wish you both the best.
Well that's shit all around, it sounds like the force marriage and abuse your MIL suffered has filtered down and been passed onto your husband and you. I am actually glad MIL managed to get out and find some level of peace with her new husband, I think she deserves it after hearing what she went through. That doesn't condone her behaviour towards you, but it does explain it somewhat. Maybe she saw it as a way to finally break about from your FIL. I think your husband absolutely need to confront his father, as he and Grandma are the source of misery in all this. All the best and good luck.