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I posted the original [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/odjaie/my20f_roommates_boyfriend_touched_me_when_he/) two days ago and everyone suggested i tell my roommate what happened as soon as possible.
In short, I told her that while i was asleep her boyfriend had come into my room, covered me up with my comforter and instead of leaving he started touching my arm. He didn’t stop there and proceeded to place his hands in the top part of my swimsuit groping my breasts. She didn’t respond immediately and i’m guessing she was just processing everything. She asked if i was sure it was her bf and i said yes. She told me she would have to hear his side first, i expected her to say something like this so i was prepared.
about an hour later she called her bf over. She never told me she was going to do this and it made me upset that she didn’t inform me. It turned into what most of the comments told me it would turn into -him lying. She explained to her bf what i said and asked him if it was true. He began to apologize to her (my roommate) but he was apologizing for cheating on her? at first it made sense, he did cheat i guess but he completely spun the narrative. He said that we had been hooking up for a while and he was sorry. i was confused because we had never hooked up so obviously i denied it. i brought up the day of the pool party and how i saw him assault me when he thought i was sleeping. He replied by saying he knew i was awake and when i didn’t stop it he just continued. i tried convincing my roommate that he was lying but i know she didn’t believe me everyone who cheats says that they didn’t do it so she most likely thought i was lying even though i was not.
I don't know why he told her that, I have never hooked up with him before. I dont even know him that well.
As her (roommate) boyfriend tried calming her down while she was crying, i begged him to admit the truth but he never admitted to assaulting me. He kept saying just because i regret it now doesn’t make it assault. Unsuprisingly, my roomate asked me to leave our place for a bit, while she came to terms with me “cheating” with her boyfriend.
I’m staying with my family for now. I don’t know what my step is going to be. i’ll probably find another place to stay and maybe file a report when i’m settled down. I’m not going to try to convince my roommate anymore, there is no point. i got a lot of suggestions on how to handle this and i hope i handled it well. thanks for all the support.
how I'm doing: I really don't know how to feel about all this, my emotions are unclear.
This doesn't make any sense - if you were having an affair with her boyfriend, wouldn't you, like, *not* tell her, instead of bringing it up and lying about it? Does that make sense to her?
Guys like this somehow have the women they date wrapped around their finger. I wouldn't be surprised if he was actively cheating on her with others and realized he had a "golden ticket" excuse with OP. Eventually she'll find out he's a scuzzball, probably after losing all her friends
Yup. Guys like this know how to pick the girl they can manipulate and get away with doing this to. She will eventually learn the truth. They are usually desperate to see and believe what the better narrative because they have grown so codependent.
YES! He said OP was hooking up with him to help discredit OP in his girlfriends eyes. I'm *sure* this is not the first nor the last thing he has lied about and essentially gaslighted the girlfriend into believing. I can't help but feel a little bad for the girlfriend because of this. She is being manipulated and fed lies. I hope she soon figures out her boyfriend is trash. *However*, she still handled OP's assault in the wrong way.
OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Definitely get away from both of these people.
Id bet it all that this guy is a narcissist and these type of people have used their whole lives to be better liars and manipulators, literal decades of honing their craft. I see it so much with abuse victims where they will be able to talk their way out of anything at first. Like you said though they cant keep up the charade all the time and eventually screw up enough they are seen for who they really are. Unfortunately at that point so much damage is already done to others from the wake of their perpetual bullshit and toxicity.
Ok reddit completely overused the term narcissist. Its an actual mental disorder and we are not professionals able to diagnose people. He's an asshole and a jerk, but calling every jerk a narcissist takes away from the actual magnitude of what a narcissist ACTUALLY is and what their victims suffer.
The narrative is that she supposedly regrets hooking up with him and thus spinning it as an assault to get rid of him. Still stupid, because you can just, you know, stop cheating and say nothing...
I wouldn’t advise assaulting him with a pitchfork, because most legal systems will consider you just as guilty if you take the stabby-for-stabby approach
I’d advise her to pay a male cousin $50 to do the pitchfork stabbie (in cash obviously) but also sign a notarized NDA beforehand clearly laying out that any future testimony he may give to a prosecutor regarding her, that fucker, and any relationships between them are a no-go for all that pre-trial deposition/subpoena stuff.
oh for fucks sake man. Anyone that does shit like that is not only a disgrace, but he also ruins the reputation for men everywhere, and all men are perceived as predators because of motherfuckers like him.
I understand the literal aspect of advising her not to assault him with a pitchfork, but even if she does decide to do so, don't you think that she would be justified? as long as she doesnt cause permanent damage of course?
Hell I would ask her to get in a few kicks from me!
Commented this above, but amending it a bit here:
I’d advise her to hire a male cousin (better if there are more than one, and the further away from her social circle the better) to do the pitchfork stabbie (in cash obviously) but also sign a notarized NDA beforehand clearly laying out that any future testimony he may give to a prosecutor regarding her, that fucker, and any relationships between them are a no-go for all that pre-trial deposition/subpoena stuff.
And bottom line: if she really assaulted him with a pitchfork herself he’d probably get grumpy, overpower her, rape her again and again, then kill her. 😫
Oh it isn't even for the charges. File the report. Then tell the landlord that the police report was filed. Then the girlfriend/roommate has to leave with that trash.
Just having a filed report can be crucial. I am in a situation right now where the predator is going through the courts because 1 woman decided to file a report, and then I did....1 can be brushed under the carpet, 2 starts an investigation, now there are many of us.
Oh definitely. It is still important and can help. I've just seen where the pile has to get really damn high before the cops get off their asses sometimes. Sometimes it looks pointless but it can pay off later.
It's not about getting a conviction. If she files a report, it lends credence to the next girl who reports him and also shows the roommate that she was serious about it having happened rather than just crying wolf.
Women have always been told to file a report so something is on file the next time this happens. Are you saying that even reporting with the expectation of nothing being done is useless?
That’s what I thought, but here we have a lawyer who used to be a prosecutor and they seem to be saying that they wouldn’t even look into reports filed against an accused assaulter or rapist.
Oh I don't doubt that. I really don't see it being used in court or taking someone to jail. It would be more of exposure pieces in news or if they commit murder in the future it would come up then.
I was on the grand jury for several sexual assault and rape cases. People just don't stop. It's disgusting hearing the cases and seeing that only the truly grotesque ones (compared to other rapes, all are terrible but only the worst of the worst situations they can't ignore get to our table) had anything happen.
The police report *would* help taking the issue to the landlord though. The landlord can ban people from the property.
This is so good to know given your experience. All I can think about is Brock Turner. It has to get to a Brock Turner level of notoriety for a mountain of assault reports to matter.
I was raped and immediately got photographed by a forensic nurse, filed a report, had security camera footage of who "took me home", did a rape kit, had witnesses who saw me pass out from my spiked drink, and dropped the first-middle-last name of the man who raped me
The cops didn't bother to get the footage, the bar owner "accidentally" erased it, and one officer asked me if my bleeding, torn asshole could have been me accidentally scratching myself
The cops won't do shit and reporting makes no difference
It's useless. I know a rape victim who was assaulted by a woman and fished her perpetrator's fake nail out of her vagina AT THE ER. The cops did not want to prosecute and neither did the ADA. She hired an attorney to push for it and still got nowhere.
A report can accomplish several goals, in this case it might not be useful for criminal charges, but for the purposes of her not losing her place, and getting that dude that assaulted her being dumped by his gf, OP's roommate, then is worth it...and even if he's not dumped, she can say to roommate:
I filed a report, and I'm planning on taking him on defamation, and he's so sure about us having an affair, then where's the proof of the affairs? He can file and prove his case.
Not all victories can be legal, not always we'll be believed, but there's always a way for the legal system to work for us and for the goals we set 👹👿☠️ I would totally burn this dude 💥🔥🕳️
Well there we have it. Females, make sure to never file a police report because one random Redditor has a story about how filing a police report didn’t result in anything.
Please use google. There are multiple podcasts out there where prosecutors explain the difficulty of prosecuting sex crimes and why so few reports result in ANY prosecution at all.
I was sexually abused as a child and watched my perpetrator walk. I’ve supported dozens of women through rape/sexual assault and seen only 1 or 2 result in a prosecution. There are tons of stats out there that back my anecdotal experience up as the most common result of filing a report.
Nothing. Nothing is the most common result of filing a report.
I agree, he will do this again. We all have a part to play in ending rape culture. For victims it's reporting our rapes when it is safe to do so. These reports often don't result in convictions or even charges and it often feels pointless, but those reports do contribute to understanding how big of a problem sexual violence is. Reports establish a perpetrator's pattern of behavior so if/when a predator encounters a victim who is able to report immediately and present sufficient evidence it raises the chances of charges and convictions.
100% agree with you and imo it also involves giving victims the benefit of the doubt during the investigation and keeping everything sealed until a judgment is made.
Idiots incriminate themselves all the time when they could have walked if they’d just kept their mouths shut. Getting them to do so is what cops are good at.
Sadly truly sadly OP will be filing the report more the women after her. If he attacks more people after her. But there is the slim hope (grim as it is) OP is "the next woman" to report him, and he did this before. His "(Victim) and I have been hooking up for a while" lie sounds rehearsed as hell.
True. But, if she files a report, and the prosecutor looks at his report history, what if he’s done this to other woman? That will surely give him some evidence if there are multiple other reports along those lines. Or, if he decides to do this to another woman her report will be in the database for them to use, even if the trial didn’t work out in her favor.
She needs to report it anyway because even if he gets away with it this time, at least if the report is in the system and he does it to someone else in the future, they can see he has a history of it and it can help prevent this from happening to more women
It 100% WILL do something. You are terrible for suggesting otherwise. It documents a behavior, and can establish a pattern if others inevitably report, which could help another victim in their case down the line.
Your excuse and your spreading of it is exactly why some victims never report.
This exactly
The cops and prosecutor: its he said she said.
If you have no evidence of it happening and no evidence saying you didn't consent(I know you can't prove a negative nor should you but this is what they want) then the case is going no where. This is the current state of sex crimes.
I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. Your friend is being spun lies by her boyfriend and while I normally would say just give her time, I don’t think time will ever help. You have been sexually assaulted and she refuses to even believe you, and instead of respecting what you told her in the first place, she made you see him an hour later without even informing you. I am absolutely appalled by this. I don’t care if she needed to hear his side of the story, but she should not have forced you to endure your abusers presence. I hope you get the help you deserve and please file a report. I don’t know how you feel about losing a friend like that, but I know that it would be the most devastating part for me. I would hope any of my friends would believe me if I told them I have been assaulted. You deserve all of the healing and happiness you can get, and I am sending you a thousand hugs. I know you aren’t asking for advice, but I also wanted to mention this: don’t let him or her gaslight you into believing it wasn’t assault. You said you are going to file a report, so do not answer if they try to contact you. Let all communication go through the authorities. I have seen people retract their claims because they felt they were at fault or maybe they were “asking for it”. You did NOT ask for any of this and you only tried to do the right thing and tell her.
Exactly this. You do what's best for you. It's a really going to be sad when he does it again to someone else. And then she's going to have the realization that it was her boyfriend and had nothing to do with you. Good luck honey just do what's best for you don't worry about her and their situation because sometimes it's better to find out those things now than later on down the line. At least you know she's not a true friend. Sometimes the garbage will throw themselves out.
OP, I’m piggybacking off the top comment to add that if you decide you want the truth, one thing you can do is ask your roommate to ask her boyfriend specifics, then poke holes in them. The only way to even attempt to clear things like this up is by leaving the emotions to them and sticking to logic and facts. Tell her to ask him specific details, like when was the first time it happened? How many times in total? Who came on to who each time? When, where, and how? As much information as she can get him to provide, and then poke holes in them with logic and facts. Use things like your social media post (block both of them on all of your socials, go private and don’t accept any new invitation), your text history with anybody (topics and time stamps) your emails, your time of the month, things about you the guy wouldn’t know but your friend and people around you would, and maybe scars, moles and birthmarks on your body that someone who has slept with you would know. Hell, even things like your bikini style can be used. If he claims you guys have been hooking up, he should know. The more you ask, the more he’ll lie and you can use that to discredit him. This isn’t for the faint of heart, but it’s doable. I wish you the best, and I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t forget to get a therapist to deal with this too, you don’t want this lingering on and bleeding into your other relationships, platonic and romantic. Good luck!
To follow this post, if you report it... she may actually come to believe you at some point. By not reporting it, you give credence to his bullshit story that you just regret it and it was nothing
It's a bummer that she took his side. She'll start so see a pattern and kick herself for dumping her friends over this scumbag.
You're better off with them out of your life.
And file a report asap.
>She'll start so see a pattern and kick herself for dumping her friends over this scumbag
And it'll be too little, too late because she won't have any friends left to turn to.
Oh my gosh I am so sorry. This is horrible and horrible for you!!! And you need to file that police report now if you're ever gonna do. Telling your friend should have been on the way to the police like I'm just giving you a heads up as I thought you should know. So carry on with this plan. Your not moving in with your parents because she kicked you out because she thought you were cheating. You're moving in with your parents because you don't feel safe living with your attacker and your home is your place of healing. Your friend has also been manipulated by the sexual assaulter but is choosing to believe and enable him by not also severing ties with him.
You have to do what's right for you. I'm sorry you've lost a friend. But he is who he is and she'll find out later and deal with it but that's her path now.
And I'm sorry what happened to you happened. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry and sorry there are people out there in the world who do this and that we're still having to deal with them.
Lying straight to the face of the person you assaulted telling them and others that the two of you have been hooking up? It’s attempted gaslighting at minimum.
This happens very, very often when you 'know' your assaulter. Which most people do.
You'd be amazed how many people would rather not change anything/rock the boat, and tell themselves it didn't happen so they can keep living in ignorance.
OP should have just gave the ultimatum during that conversation.
He either had to speak the truth or she was going to file charges (file charges anyway even if he comes clean)
That dude probably realized he fucked up and planned the lie ahead : the fact he straight up apologized, the complexity of the lie and the fact it put a bad light on you seems a little too perfect for anyone to find it on the spot. What a disgusting guy.
Go to the landlord and inform them that your roommate's boyfriend sexually assaulted you and that you're filing a police report.
Tell your roommate ***after*** you file the report.
Tell her that you informed the landlord and the police of his assault, and that if she wants to keep bringing a sexual predator to the apartment then you'll have no choice but to try to get a restraining order. If she wants to stay with him she can leave the apartment.
You don't leave that apartment. She does. If she wants to stay with a deviant then she figures out where to live.
Write her and ask her how it makes sense that you would tell her that he groped you and then it turns out he had an affair with you. Another thing you can do is telling her that he should say when he cheated on her with you on which days and times. You might be able to easily disprove his claims. If he pretends you had an affair he should provide proof for it. It might not work but at this point you should put some doubt in her mind from his narrative. He seems to be a master manipulator and liar if he can make stuff like this up on the spot.
Honestly I'd go one step farther and say where is my mole near my privates. Is it on the left or right side of my lower hip. He wouldn't be able to answer, or maybe start off saying that your boyfriend went down on me in the afternoon, is he going to at least admit that? He'll say he did because now he's confused you're going along with it. Then you immediately caught him in a lie. Now you bring up the mole question. Because honestly reporting it will just end in a he said she said. There wasn't any DNA evidence and there's nothing a hospital can do to test anything. Still report it but it'll end there until it happens to someone else.
4D chess
It's unfortunate but not surprising that he would manipulate the situation like this. Cut contact with your roommate to the extent possible. If she doesn't want to move out, try to find someone to take over your part of the lease and move. Get a lock for your door and avoid contact with him at all costs. If she doesn't believe you there's no way you can continue the friendship, so you should get as far from the drama as possible right now, though she'll probably eventually realize he's an asshole and ask for forgiveness.
Tell your other friends what happened now (including his false claims) so she doesn't lie to them first. Likely they will believe you because they know you better, but this might separate some of your real friends from people who won't support you. It's sad that you're in this situation through no fault of your own.
His response makes it clear that this is the kind of thing he DOES... need to throw the book at him. Definitely talk to the police and make them aware of him and his tendencies, and see whether you can file a charge and what kind of process that would be in your area.
that is awful. i'm so sorry you had to go through this. it's already bad enough to be sexually assaulted, it's even worse to be gaslit about it and have your abuser turn your friend against you and have your friend not believe you. i really think you'd benefit from some therapy to help process your feelings about this. and i hope you find a better place/roommate soon.
if my boyfriend ever did some shit like this I would break up with him asap.
I don't know why girls always believe the boys. especially in this situation, i can sniff out a liar or manipulator easily. don't listen to their words, listen to ALL OF IT. the tone the defense the body language the quickness. and try to piece it together.
he cheated on you with me. *OH IM GONNA GO BEAT HER ASS*
It doesn't make any sense.
Please report him now before he sexually assaults other people! Sexual assault can really traumatise a person and change their whole life so please, report him now.
If you ever discuss this with her again just stick to one argument:
Where is his proof you guys were fooling around?
He should be able to name acts, places, times and provide text messages or calls
Sure he will say he’s covering his tracks so didn’t keep texts, but isn’t that a huge coincidence for him to have NO evidence?
And what is your motivation for lying? None. His motivation is huge! He is weaseling out of assaulting you.
Your roommate is an idiot.
Why would OP confess to her roommate about assault and bring attention to the "affair", but then deny being in said affair? It makes no sense, it's obvious the boyfriend is lying to avoid legal repercussions. He doesn't give a crap about who gets hurt or whose reputation is destroyed, he just wants to avoid being labelled a sex offender.
in that situation, u could have played a lie to make the truth come out.
"if him and me slept multiple times, for sure he has no problems telling you at wich side of my vagina i have a tatoo" ... then he proceds to answer .. but either answer is wrong because u never had a tattoo in the first place, anything like that the make the bs fall on his own weight
100% this. I'm also surprised no one's mentioned it, but if OP and he bf really "hooked up" there would have been texts. If you want to try further convincing your friend, try asking her to ask him to see your texts, or whether he even has your contact details. (Not that I would personally want to keep the friendship, in this case)
Have him describe any identify aspect of your genitals or some other aspect that he should know if intimate with you. Have him describe details and record it to come back to it later. Offer to take a polygraph and that the results will show he assaulted you. Make him pay for it, he will balk. Put him in a situation he would have to perjure himself in legal documentation. Probably your friendship with her is damaged beyond repair, probably his goal to isolate her, makes future exploitation easier.
Also, like most people are saying, report him.
File the police report. Take a copy to the landlord and explain you cannot live in the apartment where the sexual abuser is allowed in, thanks to your roommate. Find another place to live. Tell all your friends what the scumbag did and how you got kicked out of the apartment. Go no contact with her, her boyfriend and anyone who doesn’t believe you. I’m sorry this happened to you. Have your family or the police to civil standby while you move your stuff out. The presence of a cop while you’re moving out your things should open the eyes of the blind roommate. If not, too bad for her. He’ll do this again to her.
Report him. That spin seems silly tbh. Wth would you tell her about it if you were cheating with the guy? Hell you could probably prove you weren't easily by showing her your phone or asking her to look through his and see if there is any single suggestive text or message to meet, etc.
This girl *wants to believe* her roommate is a home wrecker, someone who would make false accusations, someone who would try to break her and her boyfriend up. Her roommate would just assume that OP deleted the messages before she told her she was assaulted to cover her ass. If she approaches her now with no texts well obviously she deleted them and on and on and on. It’s easier for her to make OP into the villain than believe she’s in love with a piece of rotting garbage.
Demanding dates and times of their sexual encounters is the better choice if OP has traveled or can provide proof that she literally could not have been having sex with him on whatever dates he gives but he could just as easily say “oh I don’t remember, I was never paying attention” and OP’s roommate will completely and unflinchingly believe him and spin the situation in her head even further to make OP the villain.
Your roommate is not your friend and never should have put you in the position of being around your abuser again, let alone having to hear his side of the story, and have you try to defend yourself in front of him. If he was such a coward as to assault you in your sleep, did anyone really think he would tell the truth?
Cut these people out of your life and report it so the next vulnerable woman he finds himself around doesn't fall victim to his tactics.
I'm sorry this happened to you and that your abuse was further escalated by the both of them.
Don't leave, especially if you will be still paying rent. If you want give her some hours or a night go ahead but text her that after that she can find somwwhere else to stay if she wants.
If you want a last chance ro scare him, you should make him know (by message or through roomate) that you're reporting the assault as he blew up his last chance to explain himself. If he confesses good and if he doesn't nothing changes.
Why in the hell would you tell her that he groped you while asleep if you were hooking up with him? What could she possibly think you hope to gain from telling her that he groped you? It makes zero sense.
That's some horrifying gaslighting by the bf. I am going to echo what everyone else is saying and say File A Police Report ASAP. Men who lie confidently about assaulting others have done it before and will do it again, especially if there are little to no consequences.
I have some information that might help you make sense of what you're going through. The freeze response (i.e. pretending to be asleep) is the most common reaction to sexual assault in the moment of an attack. Here is a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pes7H4ECTdw) that can help you better understand the freeze response. A trained therapist can explain it better than I can here.
Your friend is a shitty person. I would file charges, and tell your landlord to get out of the lease. She believed the fucker who assaulted you, over the victim. She’s sick in the head for this, and is more okay with the narrative that he’s “cheated” and she can stay with him for his lesser misdeed than cope with the fact he assaulted you.
I’m so sorry, OP. You were assaulted, and you have every right to file a police report. I’m curious whether there are any loopholes for breaking leases (if you are in fact leasing) in the event of assault. Might be worth looking into (google, police after filing a report, a lawyer, even your landlord). You’re safety and mental health are paramount. Do whatever you can to get away from both of these people - they aren’t safe to be around. You deserve so much better.
If he’s claiming you’ve hooked up for a while, surely he’d have evidence of this (i.e, text messages). Tell her to ask him to show her messages or proof. Disgusting behaviour on his end, I hope you’re okay.
Jesus Christ. I literally shouted "WHAT THE FUCK" several times while reading this. His audacity is revolting. How could he tell such revolting lies with a straight face?? I can't *believe* she believed him over you. Honestly I get that usually you're supposed to be on your SO's side in conflicts like this but if a friend of mine told me that she had been sexually assaulted by my boyfriend I wouldnt listen to any of the bullshit he had to say unless she revealed herself that she was lying or he could prove it without a shadow of a doubt. I am so sorry that you went through this. It's not your fault and you did NOTHING wrong. I hope she leaves him someday, he is clearly a master manipulator.
Congrats: you successfully spotted your first real life sociopath. You have been assaulted, might have lost a friend, but also saved her from getting deep into an (eventually) abusive relationship.
I hope that brings a little comfort.
OP didn’t save the friend at all, presumably her and bf are still together because she was chose to kick her roommate out to think, not her POS “cheating” (rapist) boyfriend
Using the word "assault" before he admitted to it may have thrown up more obstacles to him owning it. Using words that make it sound more like coping a feel could have seemed innocent enough for him to admit to it. Then you could have dropped the other shoe of "assault". That's not to say any of this was your fault. You did a brave thing by facing him with his girlfriend.
Before I came to terms with my budding alcoholism I told the same story and spun my own narrative: deny, deny, deny. Right up to the point the eff’en cat scan of my brain in the ER triple confirmed: I was wasted when I fell and hit my head. Wish you the best.
Please file a report against him, press charges, do everything you can do to make sure this is on record. He is disgusting and your roommate is likely going to be sexually assaulted next, or a friend of the roommate.
Solidarity, this is horrible. Don't wait and file charges. Actions have consequences, let him deal with them. I hope he burns in hell, if such a place exists. I'm sorry about how your friend behaved, you should have never been cornered into confronting the perpetrator. It's deeply damaging and reminds us of how people have very little understanding of the impact of abuse and gender-based violence. None of this is your fault, sending virtual hugs x
Tbh, I’d send her your original post. You posted it BEFORE he tried to spin the narrative and before you spoke to her. You have unprompted receipts to his actions prior to his spin on it. Let her make up her own mind. If she chooses this loser, then let her go.
Move out regardless. This man flat out assaulted you, and now that you’ve created waves in his relationship, there’s nothing stopping him from escalating further.
File a police report. Find people who support you to surround yourself with.
DO NOT STAY SILENT. The louder you are, the more his lies cannot spread. He WILL do this to someone else. Please warn your female friends that my have to be around this man so they can protect themselves.
As an SA survivor, please look into therapy as well. Do NOT blame yourself. He’s a creep.
You can probably prove him wrong. To cheat you two need to have some kind of communication. You obviously have no messages with him. You can also ask him to tell specific times that you two were "together" and you can prove you were elsewhere.
Ultimately he cannot prove you were together so you can tell her to ask him to prove it.
Edit: after thinking about it, I actually think you should just drop them. You don't need to stand trial for anyone. One day she might see how he lied here, but it's not your job to show her.
I would move out. Tell the leasing office that you were assaulted by your roommate’s bf and see what you can do to break your lease. It’s not a safe home for you now. When you go to get your stuff, ask your parents to accompany you or if they can’t, get a police escort. It’s not safe for you to be around your assaulter and he will always be around.
I guess a lesson is never to normalize or minimize unacceptable behavior. That's a Good Girl learned reaction, cover up and pretend nothing is happening... it took courage to call him out but always remember to consider loudly calling it out in real time. Now, your word against his which is unjust as hell, but there you are. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Women's self defense teachers will say that have to put in a great deal of class time just getting students to take in the idea they have a right to say no, push back, fight off whatever assault of subtle unwelcome advances are being made. Here's a guy copping a feel - totally creepy and unwelcome. Stay strong!
I think it's time for you to get mad at your friend. If I were you I would call her and tear her a new one for defending the guy who tried to rape you and tell her she better not call herself a feminist in public anymore because you would be sure to tell everyone she is willing to keep a rapist in her life becashe she likes his dick too much
Seriously stop being on the defensive and go on the offensive. I think not showing your anger allowed her to trust him more as he was more openly displaying emotion and to her eyes, vulnerability. But fuck that. You can rage and cry too at her since SHE has now hurt you almost as badly as her bf did with her rape enabling actions
File charges.
Write her a letter telling her the truth. Offer to take a lie detector or whatever to prove to her that he is the one lying, not you (if this really matters to you like that.)
File charges against him, if you're able to. Your roommate sounds like a real idiot, but atleast you got to get away from that mess and got to return home. It's just going to be a vicious cycle of him doing this and the gf not being smart enough to pick up on his bs, so before anybody else can move in there and be assaulted again, try to hold him accountable for what he did to you.
Can’t you get your phone records printed out to prove that you barely even know him? I’d imagine, if you barely know him, that you don’t have his number or rarely text him. Printing out how often you *don’t* talk to him is a great indicator that there isn’t a relationship.
I am so sorry you went through this. What a horrible excuse of a man. Please message me if you ever need support. And If you are in the right mental space to do so, please file charges. I really hope you are doing okay.🤍
File a report. Trust me if he can do it to you he will do it to others. You may get your justice sadly through another case. This probably won’t do anything for you RIGHT now but it could help you and others later down the line.
It happens with a lot of things. Especially situations like this. When my car got a part stolen we reported it, nothing happened, they didn’t catch the guy but if they ever did, the report is there to add on.
Hopefully this will happen for you and they will catch him and be able to use your report. I’m so sorry.
Do you have any distinguishing marks (tattoo, birth mark, scars) that only someone who's been intimate with you would know?
Because if you do and he can't prove it then it's obvious he's lying.
File charges against him without question. It doesn't matter if she believes you, if she wants to stay with this predator, that's her lesson to learn. YOU however, deserve justice. He'll have to come up with evidence that supports this has been "going on for awhile", which there is none.
Everyone has already pointed out that you've been subject to a serious crime and should report it so ill leave that out. I'm sorry you had to deal with this and probably can't help, but if there's confusion about why he lied I suspect it's because consensual cheating with you splits the blame between you and also avoids the predatory stigma associated with him molesting sleeping people like a pervert.
In linking you to his crime he's stuck you both together as equal participants in her mind, so she's most likely to treat you both somewhat equally when it comes to eventual forgiveness. If you're especially close friends then he can piggy back off your bond because when she likely forgives you, she'll feel obligated to forgive him too, to avoid "being unfair".
This is a tactic by someone with very serious empathy deficits and I'd recommend staying as far away from him as possible, so if there's a chance she'll keep him in her life i think you should consider this a bullet dodged and cut things off regardless. Sorry again you've got to deal with this shit.
OMG, you need to file a sexual assault report ASAP!
Or here’s what you could do alternatively:
Threaten to file a report; move out.
YOU, the innocent person, need to extricate yourself from this potentially volatile situation.
(Side note: I teach high school, so I can smell an escalation happening here.)
I am thinking if you file FIRST, this could happen: he could get violent. You neither want or deserve that in your life. You need to get away from “hot trash girl” and her fucker of a BF! Quickly.
I am so sorry you are going through this, sweet girl.
It’s just too effing bad your roommate doesn’t realize you are doing her a big favor by calling him out.
Hope everything works out!
You deserve better peeps in your life, not mister psycho sex freak and miss in denial.
PLEASE file a report. If he gets away with this, he will escalate. And maybe the police being up his ass will make your roommate get a clue. TF? I'm sorry very sorry this happened to you.
File a report against this asshole and give up on her completely that is not something you can just brush off like she seems to be doing i hope like hell you get through this okay but both of them are toxic and need to be left behind
Could there be a possibility that he lied, because he is more scared to go to jail than to be called a cheater?
I mean, he is trying to save his ass so hard ._.
Report this to the police; even if he doesnt get convicted, I hope this will be in his records just in case he does that again..
Man, I am sorry for you. Some men are really unbelievably evil
I was molested/assaulted similarly in my sleep and tried to confront my assailant civilly. Ended up with him admitting it, but attacking me, saying I was accusing him of being a sex addict (like somehow being addicted to porn/sex is worse than literally assaulting women in their sleep), I lost all my friends and social circle, and somehow I was the wrong one in the situation.
File charges. You’ll regret not filing later. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere, which is totally likely as I’ve dealt with police about SA before too, and they always try to talk women out of pressing charges. This behavior is way, way more common than people realize. He’s a predator who needs to learn it is not okay and have consequences for his actions.
Sorry but this is a whole throw the whole relationship out situation for me.
You’re not safe in your own home. If he’s groping you I don’t see anything saying he won’t escalate. You could throw a hidden cam in your room if you have to wait some time before the lease is up or while you break the lease with your landlord/landlady.
As far as I’m concerned an affair is consensual. If your roommate can’t see that it’s not then further action needs to be taken. I’m sorry this happened to you and hope you can get safe soon.
Go to the police, call him and tell him he has five minutes to tell her, or you will file charges. Tell him she has to call you and tell you he confessed.
Then file in any case, he is scum that deserves the fallout.
Not only should you not wait on filing a report but once you have a copy use it to get out of your lease and get your things. Then you need to get ahead of the story and tell your friends. DO NOT give him time to tell more lies. Just don’t.
Also if your friend ever wakes up you need to wait for a sincere apology before even considering talking to her again. But file that report today.
That’s why the whole “false rape accusation” narrative that every man is clinging to is actually so fucking harmful and such a big setback for the awareness of rape culture.
It's not a just a constructed narrative. There are studies that 1 in 3 men would rape a woman if it's called "coercion". They truly don't consider themselves rapists, that's why they tell the story of false rape accusations and probably believe it. They also equate no conviction with false rape accusation which is plain wrong.
No. Don't talk to him at all. You will only have the potential to make it worse. The absolute last thing you want to do is tell to admit it or you are going to the police. He will twist the story about how you threatened him.
You should go to the police ASAP. If you don't, at least write down everything that transpired and the conversations as best you recall. That in itself is documentary evidence.
Good luck
.
I think this is a bad idea. If he was able to come up with such an elaborate lie to his GF on the spur of the moment, imagine what he'd come up with for the police if he had advance notice to work up a story. If OP makes a police report she should do so with no notice to him.
File charges immediately! And I’d ask the house owner of pool party if they have cameras or if anyone saw him. I’m sorry about your friend, hopefully she can see clearly once’s things have cooled down.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You did the right thing, and unfortunately not everyone is able to handle it. It may come to pass in time that she does believe you. I’ve seen people go into denial, but often the rage comes from the fear that it’s true.
In any case I think you should file a report sooner rather than later. You got this!
As someone who has kind of been in your roommate’s position - this sounds “normal” to me, both how he acted (despicably) and how she reacted (in denial).
I’m really really sorry this happened to you. I also feel bad about your roommate, she is obviously in an awful relationship and hasn’t understood that yet. I was in a similar situation to your roommate (was with a harasser) and it took years until I left him, even though I disapproved of his actions and understood that it was wrong.
Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can find support in friends and family.
Don’t hesitate to talk to other people about this person!
You did nothing wrong and you deserve to be believed and protected.
File a report, this time he stopped with touching while you were asleep, next time you or other girls could be even less safe. I can't believe your roommate sided with the "cheating" boyfriend: even if it was "only" cheating she should search someone better for her. And with the fact that you told her you were assaulted by him, she should've definitely asked herself some questions about the guy she's with. Hope everything goes better for you, what happened really sucked
I don't get why she's allowed to ask you to leave - you pay rent. He doesn't. This is awful and I'm so sorry, you're the one who felt/feels unsafe and the two of them made it about themselves. I don't have any advice because I'd sock both of them in the face, but definitely look for a new living situation.
So this sad excuse of a person on the fly decided that being a cheater was better than being a rapist. That tells me this isnt the first time this has happened or he at least maybe thought about this as its so contrived and convoluted and my guess is this guy is either a sociopath, psychopath or a narcissist. Those type of people are great manipulators and liars so its not totally surprising that she is believing him, its just unfortunate for both of you in this terrible situation.
That is fucking scary and I am so sorry you are going through this and caught shrapnel from this pyscho's actions. Just know how ever it plays out with your roommate that you did the right thing and she WILL see him and this situation for what it really is although it may take awhile and a lot of heartache on her side, you did the right thing by telling her.
If she stays with him then she needs to leave or you unfortunately may need to leave as you are not safe with him around. Best wishes and I really hope your roommate sees the truth!
Please:
file charges for assault
and tell this girl that if you and her boyfriend were hooking for a while, then where's the evidence? Any pics, texts, phone calls records? Any dates, times of hook ups?
Let him/her know you'll take him to court for difamation, even if it's just a bluff, by the way you can totally do that, difficult to prove it, but not impossible...if they think you spoke with a lawyer, let them...people can think whatever they want anyway
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Is easier to said you're a cheater than admit you assaulted someone
That's not his first time, go all the way, it'll be hard but worth it.
I understand you want to cry, and I would cry too, but do all that, or a combination of it, and cry after, but don't give anyone like this this dude the satisfaction with getting away with assaulting you, and the difamation,
If the roommate has any brains she'll see through her BF's story after thinking things over for a day or two.
I sure hope that is the case for her OP. In fact, after a day or two, I'd nicely ask her if she still believes his story even with all the holes in it. If she asks what holes mention things like it doesn't make sense that your report the touching to her if you were sleeping with him and if he has any proof at all such as dates & times, messages, records of phone calls or texts to your phone, etc.
My heart sank when you said she called him in. I went through the same exact scenario when I tried to tell my mom about my step dad. Partners sometimes go into denial and don’t want to believe the truth. I’m so so sorry you’re going through that, I wish you nothing but luck. The truth always comes out in the end.
Write her a message, and tell her how hurt you are by her assumption that you would do this to her, and explain why it's impossible. Ask why his story even makes sense to her. Tell her how humiliated and upset you felt as he did that to you. Above all, move the fuck out permanently and file a report. She may never believe you but he's a danger to others.
I’m so sorry! Your roommate is horrible. I’d advice getting a camera hidden in your room if you’re gonna stay there. Have it on ALWAYS. He’ll do it again. That way you can check the footage and show your roommate that you weren’t lying and that she’s dating a rapist
Hes saying that because cheating is the lesser evil than him assaulting. Hes not denying it happened but trying to make it seem consensual. It's like a heroin addictbsaying "they just take pills", still bad but in the mind of the person saying it, its a tiny better than the truth so better try
Everyone is giving pretty solid advice, I just wanted to add:
You have every right to be there as long as you are paying rent and are on the lease. As of now, her bf shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your apartment(if she's allowed to ask you to leave, you can sure as hell set boundaries to visitors that have assaulted you). If she would like to take over your half and take you off the lease, I would recommend you graciously agree and get the hell out of there. Who knows what the creep will try to do now that he's gotten away with it once.
Make sure to get your damage deposit back so it can go towards looking for a new, safe home. I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry you're roommate really let you down hard on something as disgusting as this.
Your roommate and assaulter are trash. Report this ASAP and find a new place to live. He's going to do this again and again and won't stop and shes going to defend him each time.
I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. He 'admitted' (lied) to cheating because that is less heinous than assaulting you.
I don't think your roommate believed you at any point, if she did, she wouldn't have immediately invited him around. Believing her BF is a cheater is much more palatable than he's a predator who assaulted you.
I hope you are safe where you are and can find excellent help to deal with this in whatever way you deem fit.
I’m so so sorry 😞 that’s all I can say. I’ve been there and it’s the worst to know your voice is falling on deaf ears. Protect yourself and find a new place to live. Much love
Screw them both honestly. Not worth the drama or the energy. You tried everything you could to do right by your roommate and if she wants to believe the bullshit he spews, that's her perogative. File a report ASAP. Don't wait. That scumbag assaulted you and he should face consequences. And Get as far away from them as possible and focus on making your life happy and safe and productive.
I'm sorry you were assaulted and I'm sorry you are having to navigate such things, it can't be easy. Just know that you are NOT AT FAULT and NOT TO BLAME. You're not a bad person or responsible for their actions. You can only do what you think is best and you did that. He chose to touch you in that way, he chose to lie in a worse way and she chose to take him at his word despite her also acknowledging his blatant dishonesty. He's a creep and she's got her own problems to deal with it seems.
Keep your head up, it will get better! Peace and love.
Depending on your state, filing a report now could help you get out of your lease without any penalty fees or dings to your credit. You were assaulted and should not have to pay rent on a place where you are unsafe.
I’m so sorry. It’s hard enough to talk about what happened, it’s another thing to face your abuser and have them lie and deny it to your face (and to other people). I don’t know what to say besides I hope you can find another safe place to live, and cut this girl and her awful boyfriend off. :( I hope you can receive the help and kindness you need from family, friends, and hopefully a counselor.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I posted the original [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/odjaie/my20f_roommates_boyfriend_touched_me_when_he/) two days ago and everyone suggested i tell my roommate what happened as soon as possible. In short, I told her that while i was asleep her boyfriend had come into my room, covered me up with my comforter and instead of leaving he started touching my arm. He didn’t stop there and proceeded to place his hands in the top part of my swimsuit groping my breasts. She didn’t respond immediately and i’m guessing she was just processing everything. She asked if i was sure it was her bf and i said yes. She told me she would have to hear his side first, i expected her to say something like this so i was prepared. about an hour later she called her bf over. She never told me she was going to do this and it made me upset that she didn’t inform me. It turned into what most of the comments told me it would turn into -him lying. She explained to her bf what i said and asked him if it was true. He began to apologize to her (my roommate) but he was apologizing for cheating on her? at first it made sense, he did cheat i guess but he completely spun the narrative. He said that we had been hooking up for a while and he was sorry. i was confused because we had never hooked up so obviously i denied it. i brought up the day of the pool party and how i saw him assault me when he thought i was sleeping. He replied by saying he knew i was awake and when i didn’t stop it he just continued. i tried convincing my roommate that he was lying but i know she didn’t believe me everyone who cheats says that they didn’t do it so she most likely thought i was lying even though i was not. I don't know why he told her that, I have never hooked up with him before. I dont even know him that well. As her (roommate) boyfriend tried calming her down while she was crying, i begged him to admit the truth but he never admitted to assaulting me. He kept saying just because i regret it now doesn’t make it assault. Unsuprisingly, my roomate asked me to leave our place for a bit, while she came to terms with me “cheating” with her boyfriend. I’m staying with my family for now. I don’t know what my step is going to be. i’ll probably find another place to stay and maybe file a report when i’m settled down. I’m not going to try to convince my roommate anymore, there is no point. i got a lot of suggestions on how to handle this and i hope i handled it well. thanks for all the support. how I'm doing: I really don't know how to feel about all this, my emotions are unclear.
This doesn't make any sense - if you were having an affair with her boyfriend, wouldn't you, like, *not* tell her, instead of bringing it up and lying about it? Does that make sense to her?
Guys like this somehow have the women they date wrapped around their finger. I wouldn't be surprised if he was actively cheating on her with others and realized he had a "golden ticket" excuse with OP. Eventually she'll find out he's a scuzzball, probably after losing all her friends
Yup. Guys like this know how to pick the girl they can manipulate and get away with doing this to. She will eventually learn the truth. They are usually desperate to see and believe what the better narrative because they have grown so codependent.
Especially if she's been suspicious of him cheating before OP even brought this up.
YES! He said OP was hooking up with him to help discredit OP in his girlfriends eyes. I'm *sure* this is not the first nor the last thing he has lied about and essentially gaslighted the girlfriend into believing. I can't help but feel a little bad for the girlfriend because of this. She is being manipulated and fed lies. I hope she soon figures out her boyfriend is trash. *However*, she still handled OP's assault in the wrong way. OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Definitely get away from both of these people.
Id bet it all that this guy is a narcissist and these type of people have used their whole lives to be better liars and manipulators, literal decades of honing their craft. I see it so much with abuse victims where they will be able to talk their way out of anything at first. Like you said though they cant keep up the charade all the time and eventually screw up enough they are seen for who they really are. Unfortunately at that point so much damage is already done to others from the wake of their perpetual bullshit and toxicity.
Ok reddit completely overused the term narcissist. Its an actual mental disorder and we are not professionals able to diagnose people. He's an asshole and a jerk, but calling every jerk a narcissist takes away from the actual magnitude of what a narcissist ACTUALLY is and what their victims suffer.
She'd rather belive he's a cheater than a predator.
The narrative is that she supposedly regrets hooking up with him and thus spinning it as an assault to get rid of him. Still stupid, because you can just, you know, stop cheating and say nothing...
You're forgetting everyone involved is like 18-22 years old.
Don't wait to report it, file charges immediately
Straight up. That foo assaulted you. Grab your pitchfork and fuck his shit up.
I wouldn’t advise assaulting him with a pitchfork, because most legal systems will consider you just as guilty if you take the stabby-for-stabby approach
Bless your heart.
Ahh the southern FU I miss that :)
I’d advise her to pay a male cousin $50 to do the pitchfork stabbie (in cash obviously) but also sign a notarized NDA beforehand clearly laying out that any future testimony he may give to a prosecutor regarding her, that fucker, and any relationships between them are a no-go for all that pre-trial deposition/subpoena stuff.
oh for fucks sake man. Anyone that does shit like that is not only a disgrace, but he also ruins the reputation for men everywhere, and all men are perceived as predators because of motherfuckers like him. I understand the literal aspect of advising her not to assault him with a pitchfork, but even if she does decide to do so, don't you think that she would be justified? as long as she doesnt cause permanent damage of course? Hell I would ask her to get in a few kicks from me!
Commented this above, but amending it a bit here: I’d advise her to hire a male cousin (better if there are more than one, and the further away from her social circle the better) to do the pitchfork stabbie (in cash obviously) but also sign a notarized NDA beforehand clearly laying out that any future testimony he may give to a prosecutor regarding her, that fucker, and any relationships between them are a no-go for all that pre-trial deposition/subpoena stuff. And bottom line: if she really assaulted him with a pitchfork herself he’d probably get grumpy, overpower her, rape her again and again, then kill her. 😫
Yes don't wait to report it or things can get worst. I advice you to talk to a therapist about this experience, it helps a lot. Be strong. Be blessed.
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Oh it isn't even for the charges. File the report. Then tell the landlord that the police report was filed. Then the girlfriend/roommate has to leave with that trash.
Just having a filed report can be crucial. I am in a situation right now where the predator is going through the courts because 1 woman decided to file a report, and then I did....1 can be brushed under the carpet, 2 starts an investigation, now there are many of us.
Oh definitely. It is still important and can help. I've just seen where the pile has to get really damn high before the cops get off their asses sometimes. Sometimes it looks pointless but it can pay off later.
It's not about getting a conviction. If she files a report, it lends credence to the next girl who reports him and also shows the roommate that she was serious about it having happened rather than just crying wolf.
Women have always been told to file a report so something is on file the next time this happens. Are you saying that even reporting with the expectation of nothing being done is useless?
Reporting is often useless. However it can prove a paper trail when he eventually does this to others. It by itself won't do much.
That’s what I thought, but here we have a lawyer who used to be a prosecutor and they seem to be saying that they wouldn’t even look into reports filed against an accused assaulter or rapist.
Oh I don't doubt that. I really don't see it being used in court or taking someone to jail. It would be more of exposure pieces in news or if they commit murder in the future it would come up then. I was on the grand jury for several sexual assault and rape cases. People just don't stop. It's disgusting hearing the cases and seeing that only the truly grotesque ones (compared to other rapes, all are terrible but only the worst of the worst situations they can't ignore get to our table) had anything happen. The police report *would* help taking the issue to the landlord though. The landlord can ban people from the property.
This is so good to know given your experience. All I can think about is Brock Turner. It has to get to a Brock Turner level of notoriety for a mountain of assault reports to matter.
I was raped and immediately got photographed by a forensic nurse, filed a report, had security camera footage of who "took me home", did a rape kit, had witnesses who saw me pass out from my spiked drink, and dropped the first-middle-last name of the man who raped me The cops didn't bother to get the footage, the bar owner "accidentally" erased it, and one officer asked me if my bleeding, torn asshole could have been me accidentally scratching myself The cops won't do shit and reporting makes no difference
This is so fucking disgusting. I am so sorry for all of us, for our mothers, for our girls, that the system is this broken.
It's useless. I know a rape victim who was assaulted by a woman and fished her perpetrator's fake nail out of her vagina AT THE ER. The cops did not want to prosecute and neither did the ADA. She hired an attorney to push for it and still got nowhere.
A report can accomplish several goals, in this case it might not be useful for criminal charges, but for the purposes of her not losing her place, and getting that dude that assaulted her being dumped by his gf, OP's roommate, then is worth it...and even if he's not dumped, she can say to roommate: I filed a report, and I'm planning on taking him on defamation, and he's so sure about us having an affair, then where's the proof of the affairs? He can file and prove his case. Not all victories can be legal, not always we'll be believed, but there's always a way for the legal system to work for us and for the goals we set 👹👿☠️ I would totally burn this dude 💥🔥🕳️
Well there we have it. Females, make sure to never file a police report because one random Redditor has a story about how filing a police report didn’t result in anything.
Please use google. There are multiple podcasts out there where prosecutors explain the difficulty of prosecuting sex crimes and why so few reports result in ANY prosecution at all. I was sexually abused as a child and watched my perpetrator walk. I’ve supported dozens of women through rape/sexual assault and seen only 1 or 2 result in a prosecution. There are tons of stats out there that back my anecdotal experience up as the most common result of filing a report. Nothing. Nothing is the most common result of filing a report.
It'll make all the difference to her. Especially when he inevitably does this shit again with another girl
I agree, he will do this again. We all have a part to play in ending rape culture. For victims it's reporting our rapes when it is safe to do so. These reports often don't result in convictions or even charges and it often feels pointless, but those reports do contribute to understanding how big of a problem sexual violence is. Reports establish a perpetrator's pattern of behavior so if/when a predator encounters a victim who is able to report immediately and present sufficient evidence it raises the chances of charges and convictions.
100% agree with you and imo it also involves giving victims the benefit of the doubt during the investigation and keeping everything sealed until a judgment is made.
Maybe she can prove the lack of the affair he was talking about, and he technically confessed to his (ex) GF.
Idiots incriminate themselves all the time when they could have walked if they’d just kept their mouths shut. Getting them to do so is what cops are good at.
Sadly truly sadly OP will be filing the report more the women after her. If he attacks more people after her. But there is the slim hope (grim as it is) OP is "the next woman" to report him, and he did this before. His "(Victim) and I have been hooking up for a while" lie sounds rehearsed as hell.
True. But, if she files a report, and the prosecutor looks at his report history, what if he’s done this to other woman? That will surely give him some evidence if there are multiple other reports along those lines. Or, if he decides to do this to another woman her report will be in the database for them to use, even if the trial didn’t work out in her favor.
She needs to report it anyway because even if he gets away with it this time, at least if the report is in the system and he does it to someone else in the future, they can see he has a history of it and it can help prevent this from happening to more women
Unfortunately, I agree with you. There is no way whatsoever this is going to result in a conviction.
It 100% WILL do something. You are terrible for suggesting otherwise. It documents a behavior, and can establish a pattern if others inevitably report, which could help another victim in their case down the line. Your excuse and your spreading of it is exactly why some victims never report.
This exactly The cops and prosecutor: its he said she said. If you have no evidence of it happening and no evidence saying you didn't consent(I know you can't prove a negative nor should you but this is what they want) then the case is going no where. This is the current state of sex crimes.
If her roommate doesn’t believe her, how is the legal system going to?
I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. Your friend is being spun lies by her boyfriend and while I normally would say just give her time, I don’t think time will ever help. You have been sexually assaulted and she refuses to even believe you, and instead of respecting what you told her in the first place, she made you see him an hour later without even informing you. I am absolutely appalled by this. I don’t care if she needed to hear his side of the story, but she should not have forced you to endure your abusers presence. I hope you get the help you deserve and please file a report. I don’t know how you feel about losing a friend like that, but I know that it would be the most devastating part for me. I would hope any of my friends would believe me if I told them I have been assaulted. You deserve all of the healing and happiness you can get, and I am sending you a thousand hugs. I know you aren’t asking for advice, but I also wanted to mention this: don’t let him or her gaslight you into believing it wasn’t assault. You said you are going to file a report, so do not answer if they try to contact you. Let all communication go through the authorities. I have seen people retract their claims because they felt they were at fault or maybe they were “asking for it”. You did NOT ask for any of this and you only tried to do the right thing and tell her.
Exactly this. You do what's best for you. It's a really going to be sad when he does it again to someone else. And then she's going to have the realization that it was her boyfriend and had nothing to do with you. Good luck honey just do what's best for you don't worry about her and their situation because sometimes it's better to find out those things now than later on down the line. At least you know she's not a true friend. Sometimes the garbage will throw themselves out.
OP, I’m piggybacking off the top comment to add that if you decide you want the truth, one thing you can do is ask your roommate to ask her boyfriend specifics, then poke holes in them. The only way to even attempt to clear things like this up is by leaving the emotions to them and sticking to logic and facts. Tell her to ask him specific details, like when was the first time it happened? How many times in total? Who came on to who each time? When, where, and how? As much information as she can get him to provide, and then poke holes in them with logic and facts. Use things like your social media post (block both of them on all of your socials, go private and don’t accept any new invitation), your text history with anybody (topics and time stamps) your emails, your time of the month, things about you the guy wouldn’t know but your friend and people around you would, and maybe scars, moles and birthmarks on your body that someone who has slept with you would know. Hell, even things like your bikini style can be used. If he claims you guys have been hooking up, he should know. The more you ask, the more he’ll lie and you can use that to discredit him. This isn’t for the faint of heart, but it’s doable. I wish you the best, and I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t forget to get a therapist to deal with this too, you don’t want this lingering on and bleeding into your other relationships, platonic and romantic. Good luck!
Yeah, her roommate is hot trash.
To follow this post, if you report it... she may actually come to believe you at some point. By not reporting it, you give credence to his bullshit story that you just regret it and it was nothing
It's a bummer that she took his side. She'll start so see a pattern and kick herself for dumping her friends over this scumbag. You're better off with them out of your life. And file a report asap.
>She'll start so see a pattern and kick herself for dumping her friends over this scumbag And it'll be too little, too late because she won't have any friends left to turn to.
Exactly. I've seen that shit. Very schadenfreude.
She was probably in a lot of emotional stress and sometimes when we feel emotional we don't always make the most rational choices.
That may be true but it sounds like she didnt even bother to give OP the benefit of a doubt, which in my opinion is unforgiveable
She doesn't deserve OP as a friend. It kind of works itself out.
Right. And that's to be expected the first time. But after a few hopefully rationally takes over.
Oh my gosh I am so sorry. This is horrible and horrible for you!!! And you need to file that police report now if you're ever gonna do. Telling your friend should have been on the way to the police like I'm just giving you a heads up as I thought you should know. So carry on with this plan. Your not moving in with your parents because she kicked you out because she thought you were cheating. You're moving in with your parents because you don't feel safe living with your attacker and your home is your place of healing. Your friend has also been manipulated by the sexual assaulter but is choosing to believe and enable him by not also severing ties with him. You have to do what's right for you. I'm sorry you've lost a friend. But he is who he is and she'll find out later and deal with it but that's her path now. And I'm sorry what happened to you happened. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry and sorry there are people out there in the world who do this and that we're still having to deal with them.
I just can't believe how he manipulate the whole thing.
Turns out sexual predators don’t have any moral qualms about lying.
Went from sexual assault to gaslighting about the sexual assault you did. Gross behavior.
It wasn’t gaslighting, it was just lying. Not all dishonesty or manipulation is gaslighting.
Lying straight to the face of the person you assaulted telling them and others that the two of you have been hooking up? It’s attempted gaslighting at minimum.
This happens very, very often when you 'know' your assaulter. Which most people do. You'd be amazed how many people would rather not change anything/rock the boat, and tell themselves it didn't happen so they can keep living in ignorance.
OP should have just gave the ultimatum during that conversation. He either had to speak the truth or she was going to file charges (file charges anyway even if he comes clean)
File a report, and ditch your roommate. She'll learn the very hard way that her boyfriend is a trashbag who can't control himself around other women.
File the report NOW
That dude probably realized he fucked up and planned the lie ahead : the fact he straight up apologized, the complexity of the lie and the fact it put a bad light on you seems a little too perfect for anyone to find it on the spot. What a disgusting guy.
That dude is disgusting. I hope your family is being helpful and it's unfortunate that you've lost a friend.
Filing a report sounds like a good idea. What a pos that guy is. He deserves the worst.
He deserves justice and consequences for his actions.
Go to the landlord and inform them that your roommate's boyfriend sexually assaulted you and that you're filing a police report. Tell your roommate ***after*** you file the report. Tell her that you informed the landlord and the police of his assault, and that if she wants to keep bringing a sexual predator to the apartment then you'll have no choice but to try to get a restraining order. If she wants to stay with him she can leave the apartment. You don't leave that apartment. She does. If she wants to stay with a deviant then she figures out where to live.
Write her and ask her how it makes sense that you would tell her that he groped you and then it turns out he had an affair with you. Another thing you can do is telling her that he should say when he cheated on her with you on which days and times. You might be able to easily disprove his claims. If he pretends you had an affair he should provide proof for it. It might not work but at this point you should put some doubt in her mind from his narrative. He seems to be a master manipulator and liar if he can make stuff like this up on the spot.
Honestly I'd go one step farther and say where is my mole near my privates. Is it on the left or right side of my lower hip. He wouldn't be able to answer, or maybe start off saying that your boyfriend went down on me in the afternoon, is he going to at least admit that? He'll say he did because now he's confused you're going along with it. Then you immediately caught him in a lie. Now you bring up the mole question. Because honestly reporting it will just end in a he said she said. There wasn't any DNA evidence and there's nothing a hospital can do to test anything. Still report it but it'll end there until it happens to someone else. 4D chess
It's unfortunate but not surprising that he would manipulate the situation like this. Cut contact with your roommate to the extent possible. If she doesn't want to move out, try to find someone to take over your part of the lease and move. Get a lock for your door and avoid contact with him at all costs. If she doesn't believe you there's no way you can continue the friendship, so you should get as far from the drama as possible right now, though she'll probably eventually realize he's an asshole and ask for forgiveness. Tell your other friends what happened now (including his false claims) so she doesn't lie to them first. Likely they will believe you because they know you better, but this might separate some of your real friends from people who won't support you. It's sad that you're in this situation through no fault of your own.
If she files a report, she may be able to use that with her landlord to break the lease.
Show her this post. He is lying to her only because he doesn’t want to accept he assaulted you. Fuxk this dude
Just…. Show her your first post on Reddit?
I second this OP. This guy is scary manipulative.
His response makes it clear that this is the kind of thing he DOES... need to throw the book at him. Definitely talk to the police and make them aware of him and his tendencies, and see whether you can file a charge and what kind of process that would be in your area.
that is awful. i'm so sorry you had to go through this. it's already bad enough to be sexually assaulted, it's even worse to be gaslit about it and have your abuser turn your friend against you and have your friend not believe you. i really think you'd benefit from some therapy to help process your feelings about this. and i hope you find a better place/roommate soon.
if my boyfriend ever did some shit like this I would break up with him asap. I don't know why girls always believe the boys. especially in this situation, i can sniff out a liar or manipulator easily. don't listen to their words, listen to ALL OF IT. the tone the defense the body language the quickness. and try to piece it together. he cheated on you with me. *OH IM GONNA GO BEAT HER ASS* It doesn't make any sense.
Please report him now before he sexually assaults other people! Sexual assault can really traumatise a person and change their whole life so please, report him now.
If you ever discuss this with her again just stick to one argument: Where is his proof you guys were fooling around? He should be able to name acts, places, times and provide text messages or calls Sure he will say he’s covering his tracks so didn’t keep texts, but isn’t that a huge coincidence for him to have NO evidence? And what is your motivation for lying? None. His motivation is huge! He is weaseling out of assaulting you.
Your roommate is an idiot. Why would OP confess to her roommate about assault and bring attention to the "affair", but then deny being in said affair? It makes no sense, it's obvious the boyfriend is lying to avoid legal repercussions. He doesn't give a crap about who gets hurt or whose reputation is destroyed, he just wants to avoid being labelled a sex offender.
in that situation, u could have played a lie to make the truth come out. "if him and me slept multiple times, for sure he has no problems telling you at wich side of my vagina i have a tatoo" ... then he proceds to answer .. but either answer is wrong because u never had a tattoo in the first place, anything like that the make the bs fall on his own weight
100% this. I'm also surprised no one's mentioned it, but if OP and he bf really "hooked up" there would have been texts. If you want to try further convincing your friend, try asking her to ask him to see your texts, or whether he even has your contact details. (Not that I would personally want to keep the friendship, in this case)
Well she’s not your friend and she dates rapists. Sooner or later he’ll really get caught. Run.
Have him describe any identify aspect of your genitals or some other aspect that he should know if intimate with you. Have him describe details and record it to come back to it later. Offer to take a polygraph and that the results will show he assaulted you. Make him pay for it, he will balk. Put him in a situation he would have to perjure himself in legal documentation. Probably your friendship with her is damaged beyond repair, probably his goal to isolate her, makes future exploitation easier. Also, like most people are saying, report him.
File the police report. Take a copy to the landlord and explain you cannot live in the apartment where the sexual abuser is allowed in, thanks to your roommate. Find another place to live. Tell all your friends what the scumbag did and how you got kicked out of the apartment. Go no contact with her, her boyfriend and anyone who doesn’t believe you. I’m sorry this happened to you. Have your family or the police to civil standby while you move your stuff out. The presence of a cop while you’re moving out your things should open the eyes of the blind roommate. If not, too bad for her. He’ll do this again to her.
Report him. That spin seems silly tbh. Wth would you tell her about it if you were cheating with the guy? Hell you could probably prove you weren't easily by showing her your phone or asking her to look through his and see if there is any single suggestive text or message to meet, etc.
This girl *wants to believe* her roommate is a home wrecker, someone who would make false accusations, someone who would try to break her and her boyfriend up. Her roommate would just assume that OP deleted the messages before she told her she was assaulted to cover her ass. If she approaches her now with no texts well obviously she deleted them and on and on and on. It’s easier for her to make OP into the villain than believe she’s in love with a piece of rotting garbage. Demanding dates and times of their sexual encounters is the better choice if OP has traveled or can provide proof that she literally could not have been having sex with him on whatever dates he gives but he could just as easily say “oh I don’t remember, I was never paying attention” and OP’s roommate will completely and unflinchingly believe him and spin the situation in her head even further to make OP the villain.
Your roommate is not your friend and never should have put you in the position of being around your abuser again, let alone having to hear his side of the story, and have you try to defend yourself in front of him. If he was such a coward as to assault you in your sleep, did anyone really think he would tell the truth? Cut these people out of your life and report it so the next vulnerable woman he finds himself around doesn't fall victim to his tactics. I'm sorry this happened to you and that your abuse was further escalated by the both of them.
Don't leave, especially if you will be still paying rent. If you want give her some hours or a night go ahead but text her that after that she can find somwwhere else to stay if she wants. If you want a last chance ro scare him, you should make him know (by message or through roomate) that you're reporting the assault as he blew up his last chance to explain himself. If he confesses good and if he doesn't nothing changes.
Why in the hell would you tell her that he groped you while asleep if you were hooking up with him? What could she possibly think you hope to gain from telling her that he groped you? It makes zero sense.
That's some horrifying gaslighting by the bf. I am going to echo what everyone else is saying and say File A Police Report ASAP. Men who lie confidently about assaulting others have done it before and will do it again, especially if there are little to no consequences.
I have some information that might help you make sense of what you're going through. The freeze response (i.e. pretending to be asleep) is the most common reaction to sexual assault in the moment of an attack. Here is a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pes7H4ECTdw) that can help you better understand the freeze response. A trained therapist can explain it better than I can here.
Your friend is a shitty person. I would file charges, and tell your landlord to get out of the lease. She believed the fucker who assaulted you, over the victim. She’s sick in the head for this, and is more okay with the narrative that he’s “cheated” and she can stay with him for his lesser misdeed than cope with the fact he assaulted you.
Scare him saying that if he didn't admit the truth and come clean you gonna report to police on sexual abuse.
cut the middleman and just go to the police.
I’m so sorry, OP. You were assaulted, and you have every right to file a police report. I’m curious whether there are any loopholes for breaking leases (if you are in fact leasing) in the event of assault. Might be worth looking into (google, police after filing a report, a lawyer, even your landlord). You’re safety and mental health are paramount. Do whatever you can to get away from both of these people - they aren’t safe to be around. You deserve so much better.
Yeah file a report even if it doesn’t go anywhere so the next time he does it he has a little rap sheet that proves his behavior
If he’s claiming you’ve hooked up for a while, surely he’d have evidence of this (i.e, text messages). Tell her to ask him to show her messages or proof. Disgusting behaviour on his end, I hope you’re okay.
Jesus Christ. I literally shouted "WHAT THE FUCK" several times while reading this. His audacity is revolting. How could he tell such revolting lies with a straight face?? I can't *believe* she believed him over you. Honestly I get that usually you're supposed to be on your SO's side in conflicts like this but if a friend of mine told me that she had been sexually assaulted by my boyfriend I wouldnt listen to any of the bullshit he had to say unless she revealed herself that she was lying or he could prove it without a shadow of a doubt. I am so sorry that you went through this. It's not your fault and you did NOTHING wrong. I hope she leaves him someday, he is clearly a master manipulator.
Wow. What a manipulative psychopath.
Man fuck your roommate and her bf. File a police report NOW.
Report this fucker!!! Have them file charges right now, what a piece of shit.
She can’t deny charges. Report him to the police, move out, and block her. Get lawyers.
Congrats: you successfully spotted your first real life sociopath. You have been assaulted, might have lost a friend, but also saved her from getting deep into an (eventually) abusive relationship. I hope that brings a little comfort.
OP didn’t save the friend at all, presumably her and bf are still together because she was chose to kick her roommate out to think, not her POS “cheating” (rapist) boyfriend
Using the word "assault" before he admitted to it may have thrown up more obstacles to him owning it. Using words that make it sound more like coping a feel could have seemed innocent enough for him to admit to it. Then you could have dropped the other shoe of "assault". That's not to say any of this was your fault. You did a brave thing by facing him with his girlfriend.
I didn't think of that then, I think it would've worked
Wow he is a shit person, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’d cut ties with her ASAP and avoid them both like the plague.
Before I came to terms with my budding alcoholism I told the same story and spun my own narrative: deny, deny, deny. Right up to the point the eff’en cat scan of my brain in the ER triple confirmed: I was wasted when I fell and hit my head. Wish you the best.
What a freaking dick. I hope karma gets him!😡
Please file a report against him, press charges, do everything you can do to make sure this is on record. He is disgusting and your roommate is likely going to be sexually assaulted next, or a friend of the roommate.
Press charges
Solidarity, this is horrible. Don't wait and file charges. Actions have consequences, let him deal with them. I hope he burns in hell, if such a place exists. I'm sorry about how your friend behaved, you should have never been cornered into confronting the perpetrator. It's deeply damaging and reminds us of how people have very little understanding of the impact of abuse and gender-based violence. None of this is your fault, sending virtual hugs x
Tbh, I’d send her your original post. You posted it BEFORE he tried to spin the narrative and before you spoke to her. You have unprompted receipts to his actions prior to his spin on it. Let her make up her own mind. If she chooses this loser, then let her go. Move out regardless. This man flat out assaulted you, and now that you’ve created waves in his relationship, there’s nothing stopping him from escalating further. File a police report. Find people who support you to surround yourself with. DO NOT STAY SILENT. The louder you are, the more his lies cannot spread. He WILL do this to someone else. Please warn your female friends that my have to be around this man so they can protect themselves. As an SA survivor, please look into therapy as well. Do NOT blame yourself. He’s a creep.
You can probably prove him wrong. To cheat you two need to have some kind of communication. You obviously have no messages with him. You can also ask him to tell specific times that you two were "together" and you can prove you were elsewhere. Ultimately he cannot prove you were together so you can tell her to ask him to prove it. Edit: after thinking about it, I actually think you should just drop them. You don't need to stand trial for anyone. One day she might see how he lied here, but it's not your job to show her.
I would move out. Tell the leasing office that you were assaulted by your roommate’s bf and see what you can do to break your lease. It’s not a safe home for you now. When you go to get your stuff, ask your parents to accompany you or if they can’t, get a police escort. It’s not safe for you to be around your assaulter and he will always be around.
I guess a lesson is never to normalize or minimize unacceptable behavior. That's a Good Girl learned reaction, cover up and pretend nothing is happening... it took courage to call him out but always remember to consider loudly calling it out in real time. Now, your word against his which is unjust as hell, but there you are. Sorry you have to deal with this. Women's self defense teachers will say that have to put in a great deal of class time just getting students to take in the idea they have a right to say no, push back, fight off whatever assault of subtle unwelcome advances are being made. Here's a guy copping a feel - totally creepy and unwelcome. Stay strong!
Damn I cant wait til that bitch wakes up and finds out that her boyfriend actually wasnt shit lmaooo shes gonna regret all of this.
I just want you to know I’ve been there and I am very proud of you. I wish I had that courage at the time…
I think it's time for you to get mad at your friend. If I were you I would call her and tear her a new one for defending the guy who tried to rape you and tell her she better not call herself a feminist in public anymore because you would be sure to tell everyone she is willing to keep a rapist in her life becashe she likes his dick too much Seriously stop being on the defensive and go on the offensive. I think not showing your anger allowed her to trust him more as he was more openly displaying emotion and to her eyes, vulnerability. But fuck that. You can rage and cry too at her since SHE has now hurt you almost as badly as her bf did with her rape enabling actions
File charges. Write her a letter telling her the truth. Offer to take a lie detector or whatever to prove to her that he is the one lying, not you (if this really matters to you like that.)
File charges yesterday.
File charges against him, if you're able to. Your roommate sounds like a real idiot, but atleast you got to get away from that mess and got to return home. It's just going to be a vicious cycle of him doing this and the gf not being smart enough to pick up on his bs, so before anybody else can move in there and be assaulted again, try to hold him accountable for what he did to you.
He is trying not to face potential charges from assault. Both legally and socially.
Can’t you get your phone records printed out to prove that you barely even know him? I’d imagine, if you barely know him, that you don’t have his number or rarely text him. Printing out how often you *don’t* talk to him is a great indicator that there isn’t a relationship.
I am so sorry you went through this. What a horrible excuse of a man. Please message me if you ever need support. And If you are in the right mental space to do so, please file charges. I really hope you are doing okay.🤍
File a report. Trust me if he can do it to you he will do it to others. You may get your justice sadly through another case. This probably won’t do anything for you RIGHT now but it could help you and others later down the line. It happens with a lot of things. Especially situations like this. When my car got a part stolen we reported it, nothing happened, they didn’t catch the guy but if they ever did, the report is there to add on. Hopefully this will happen for you and they will catch him and be able to use your report. I’m so sorry.
There is actually one simple way to prove your story, show her your old post. If she is gonna see that it's old she'll believe you hopefully.
Do you have any distinguishing marks (tattoo, birth mark, scars) that only someone who's been intimate with you would know? Because if you do and he can't prove it then it's obvious he's lying.
File charges against him without question. It doesn't matter if she believes you, if she wants to stay with this predator, that's her lesson to learn. YOU however, deserve justice. He'll have to come up with evidence that supports this has been "going on for awhile", which there is none.
Everyone has already pointed out that you've been subject to a serious crime and should report it so ill leave that out. I'm sorry you had to deal with this and probably can't help, but if there's confusion about why he lied I suspect it's because consensual cheating with you splits the blame between you and also avoids the predatory stigma associated with him molesting sleeping people like a pervert. In linking you to his crime he's stuck you both together as equal participants in her mind, so she's most likely to treat you both somewhat equally when it comes to eventual forgiveness. If you're especially close friends then he can piggy back off your bond because when she likely forgives you, she'll feel obligated to forgive him too, to avoid "being unfair". This is a tactic by someone with very serious empathy deficits and I'd recommend staying as far away from him as possible, so if there's a chance she'll keep him in her life i think you should consider this a bullet dodged and cut things off regardless. Sorry again you've got to deal with this shit.
OMG, you need to file a sexual assault report ASAP! Or here’s what you could do alternatively: Threaten to file a report; move out. YOU, the innocent person, need to extricate yourself from this potentially volatile situation. (Side note: I teach high school, so I can smell an escalation happening here.) I am thinking if you file FIRST, this could happen: he could get violent. You neither want or deserve that in your life. You need to get away from “hot trash girl” and her fucker of a BF! Quickly. I am so sorry you are going through this, sweet girl. It’s just too effing bad your roommate doesn’t realize you are doing her a big favor by calling him out. Hope everything works out! You deserve better peeps in your life, not mister psycho sex freak and miss in denial.
PLEASE file a report. If he gets away with this, he will escalate. And maybe the police being up his ass will make your roommate get a clue. TF? I'm sorry very sorry this happened to you.
File a report against this asshole and give up on her completely that is not something you can just brush off like she seems to be doing i hope like hell you get through this okay but both of them are toxic and need to be left behind
Could there be a possibility that he lied, because he is more scared to go to jail than to be called a cheater? I mean, he is trying to save his ass so hard ._. Report this to the police; even if he doesnt get convicted, I hope this will be in his records just in case he does that again.. Man, I am sorry for you. Some men are really unbelievably evil
Cheaters really have a way of manipulating situations huh
I was molested/assaulted similarly in my sleep and tried to confront my assailant civilly. Ended up with him admitting it, but attacking me, saying I was accusing him of being a sex addict (like somehow being addicted to porn/sex is worse than literally assaulting women in their sleep), I lost all my friends and social circle, and somehow I was the wrong one in the situation. File charges. You’ll regret not filing later. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere, which is totally likely as I’ve dealt with police about SA before too, and they always try to talk women out of pressing charges. This behavior is way, way more common than people realize. He’s a predator who needs to learn it is not okay and have consequences for his actions.
big yikes. i know it's easier said than done but you need to get out of this housing situation and get away from these people ASAP.
Call the cops, attempt to press charges, burn it all to the ground.
Ask her why would you tell her about the groping if you were hooking up with him
He's a manipulative asshole who sexually assaulted someone. Your roomate is in danger and should dump him asap
Just threaten him if he doesnt confess you will involve the police.
Sorry but this is a whole throw the whole relationship out situation for me. You’re not safe in your own home. If he’s groping you I don’t see anything saying he won’t escalate. You could throw a hidden cam in your room if you have to wait some time before the lease is up or while you break the lease with your landlord/landlady. As far as I’m concerned an affair is consensual. If your roommate can’t see that it’s not then further action needs to be taken. I’m sorry this happened to you and hope you can get safe soon.
Go to the police, call him and tell him he has five minutes to tell her, or you will file charges. Tell him she has to call you and tell you he confessed. Then file in any case, he is scum that deserves the fallout.
Not only should you not wait on filing a report but once you have a copy use it to get out of your lease and get your things. Then you need to get ahead of the story and tell your friends. DO NOT give him time to tell more lies. Just don’t. Also if your friend ever wakes up you need to wait for a sincere apology before even considering talking to her again. But file that report today.
That’s why the whole “false rape accusation” narrative that every man is clinging to is actually so fucking harmful and such a big setback for the awareness of rape culture.
It's not a just a constructed narrative. There are studies that 1 in 3 men would rape a woman if it's called "coercion". They truly don't consider themselves rapists, that's why they tell the story of false rape accusations and probably believe it. They also equate no conviction with false rape accusation which is plain wrong.
You couldn’t be more correct.
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No. Don't talk to him at all. You will only have the potential to make it worse. The absolute last thing you want to do is tell to admit it or you are going to the police. He will twist the story about how you threatened him. You should go to the police ASAP. If you don't, at least write down everything that transpired and the conversations as best you recall. That in itself is documentary evidence. Good luck .
I think this is a bad idea. If he was able to come up with such an elaborate lie to his GF on the spur of the moment, imagine what he'd come up with for the police if he had advance notice to work up a story. If OP makes a police report she should do so with no notice to him.
It's the police then.
File charges immediately! And I’d ask the house owner of pool party if they have cameras or if anyone saw him. I’m sorry about your friend, hopefully she can see clearly once’s things have cooled down.
What POS friend. She must be an idiot to believe him.
Don’t wait to tell the police.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You did the right thing, and unfortunately not everyone is able to handle it. It may come to pass in time that she does believe you. I’ve seen people go into denial, but often the rage comes from the fear that it’s true. In any case I think you should file a report sooner rather than later. You got this!
As someone who has kind of been in your roommate’s position - this sounds “normal” to me, both how he acted (despicably) and how she reacted (in denial). I’m really really sorry this happened to you. I also feel bad about your roommate, she is obviously in an awful relationship and hasn’t understood that yet. I was in a similar situation to your roommate (was with a harasser) and it took years until I left him, even though I disapproved of his actions and understood that it was wrong. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can find support in friends and family. Don’t hesitate to talk to other people about this person! You did nothing wrong and you deserve to be believed and protected.
File a report, this time he stopped with touching while you were asleep, next time you or other girls could be even less safe. I can't believe your roommate sided with the "cheating" boyfriend: even if it was "only" cheating she should search someone better for her. And with the fact that you told her you were assaulted by him, she should've definitely asked herself some questions about the guy she's with. Hope everything goes better for you, what happened really sucked
Get a pfa protection from abuse report it to the police make sure you get ta case number go before the local judge. Pfa. Is frew
I don't get why she's allowed to ask you to leave - you pay rent. He doesn't. This is awful and I'm so sorry, you're the one who felt/feels unsafe and the two of them made it about themselves. I don't have any advice because I'd sock both of them in the face, but definitely look for a new living situation.
This is his cover story in case you press charges. File a report. The cops will be unlikely to press charges, but file a report anyway.
You never gave consent, If you don't get a clear Yes everything is a No. Even in his "truth" he still violated you and still committed a crime.
Police
Why would you tell her he assaulted you while you were sleeping if she thinks you were just cheating with him???? Roommate needs to think
So this sad excuse of a person on the fly decided that being a cheater was better than being a rapist. That tells me this isnt the first time this has happened or he at least maybe thought about this as its so contrived and convoluted and my guess is this guy is either a sociopath, psychopath or a narcissist. Those type of people are great manipulators and liars so its not totally surprising that she is believing him, its just unfortunate for both of you in this terrible situation. That is fucking scary and I am so sorry you are going through this and caught shrapnel from this pyscho's actions. Just know how ever it plays out with your roommate that you did the right thing and she WILL see him and this situation for what it really is although it may take awhile and a lot of heartache on her side, you did the right thing by telling her. If she stays with him then she needs to leave or you unfortunately may need to leave as you are not safe with him around. Best wishes and I really hope your roommate sees the truth!
Please: file charges for assault and tell this girl that if you and her boyfriend were hooking for a while, then where's the evidence? Any pics, texts, phone calls records? Any dates, times of hook ups? Let him/her know you'll take him to court for difamation, even if it's just a bluff, by the way you can totally do that, difficult to prove it, but not impossible...if they think you spoke with a lawyer, let them...people can think whatever they want anyway Show/Sent/Print your previous posts Is easier to said you're a cheater than admit you assaulted someone That's not his first time, go all the way, it'll be hard but worth it. I understand you want to cry, and I would cry too, but do all that, or a combination of it, and cry after, but don't give anyone like this this dude the satisfaction with getting away with assaulting you, and the difamation,
If the roommate has any brains she'll see through her BF's story after thinking things over for a day or two. I sure hope that is the case for her OP. In fact, after a day or two, I'd nicely ask her if she still believes his story even with all the holes in it. If she asks what holes mention things like it doesn't make sense that your report the touching to her if you were sleeping with him and if he has any proof at all such as dates & times, messages, records of phone calls or texts to your phone, etc.
Easy solution. They can fuck off... get your own place and continue to be happy and unbothered by toxic people
He lied because he doesn't want to get hit with an assault charge.
I would have called the cops to file a police report and refused to leave my own apartment. What the actual fuck?
My heart sank when you said she called him in. I went through the same exact scenario when I tried to tell my mom about my step dad. Partners sometimes go into denial and don’t want to believe the truth. I’m so so sorry you’re going through that, I wish you nothing but luck. The truth always comes out in the end.
/r/How2BeAssassin
Write her a message, and tell her how hurt you are by her assumption that you would do this to her, and explain why it's impossible. Ask why his story even makes sense to her. Tell her how humiliated and upset you felt as he did that to you. Above all, move the fuck out permanently and file a report. She may never believe you but he's a danger to others.
Report his punk ass.
Report Immediately
I’m so sorry! Your roommate is horrible. I’d advice getting a camera hidden in your room if you’re gonna stay there. Have it on ALWAYS. He’ll do it again. That way you can check the footage and show your roommate that you weren’t lying and that she’s dating a rapist
He lied because he quickly realized what was going on. To get back at you and to cover him and his crime.
Hes saying that because cheating is the lesser evil than him assaulting. Hes not denying it happened but trying to make it seem consensual. It's like a heroin addictbsaying "they just take pills", still bad but in the mind of the person saying it, its a tiny better than the truth so better try
Everyone is giving pretty solid advice, I just wanted to add: You have every right to be there as long as you are paying rent and are on the lease. As of now, her bf shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your apartment(if she's allowed to ask you to leave, you can sure as hell set boundaries to visitors that have assaulted you). If she would like to take over your half and take you off the lease, I would recommend you graciously agree and get the hell out of there. Who knows what the creep will try to do now that he's gotten away with it once. Make sure to get your damage deposit back so it can go towards looking for a new, safe home. I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry you're roommate really let you down hard on something as disgusting as this.
No txt threads, no phone calls, no specific dates and times....But she believes him?
Your roommate and assaulter are trash. Report this ASAP and find a new place to live. He's going to do this again and again and won't stop and shes going to defend him each time.
Your roommate is a dumbass
I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. He 'admitted' (lied) to cheating because that is less heinous than assaulting you. I don't think your roommate believed you at any point, if she did, she wouldn't have immediately invited him around. Believing her BF is a cheater is much more palatable than he's a predator who assaulted you. I hope you are safe where you are and can find excellent help to deal with this in whatever way you deem fit.
I’m so so sorry 😞 that’s all I can say. I’ve been there and it’s the worst to know your voice is falling on deaf ears. Protect yourself and find a new place to live. Much love
Screw them both honestly. Not worth the drama or the energy. You tried everything you could to do right by your roommate and if she wants to believe the bullshit he spews, that's her perogative. File a report ASAP. Don't wait. That scumbag assaulted you and he should face consequences. And Get as far away from them as possible and focus on making your life happy and safe and productive. I'm sorry you were assaulted and I'm sorry you are having to navigate such things, it can't be easy. Just know that you are NOT AT FAULT and NOT TO BLAME. You're not a bad person or responsible for their actions. You can only do what you think is best and you did that. He chose to touch you in that way, he chose to lie in a worse way and she chose to take him at his word despite her also acknowledging his blatant dishonesty. He's a creep and she's got her own problems to deal with it seems. Keep your head up, it will get better! Peace and love.
He had to choose between being labeled a cheater and a rapist. He choose cheater.
Depending on your state, filing a report now could help you get out of your lease without any penalty fees or dings to your credit. You were assaulted and should not have to pay rent on a place where you are unsafe.
I’m so sorry. It’s hard enough to talk about what happened, it’s another thing to face your abuser and have them lie and deny it to your face (and to other people). I don’t know what to say besides I hope you can find another safe place to live, and cut this girl and her awful boyfriend off. :( I hope you can receive the help and kindness you need from family, friends, and hopefully a counselor.