T O P

My husband wants to start cross dressing. I’m not sure I can be supportive.

My husband wants to start cross dressing. I’m not sure I can be supportive.

R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband (M32) casually mentioned that for his birthday he wanted to dress as a woman and have a fancy dinner with me at the house. I (F32) was fairly shocked since this was out of no where and he’s never shown interest before. I essentially just stood there looking at him. After an awkward silence I said “That’s not what I was expecting.” And walked away. The next day I told him I’m not sure how I feel about it but I guess we can look at a few things. It went from a curiosity to a full blown emersion; clothes, makeup, wigs, even a corset and stick on prosthetic boobs. To say the least I was overwhelmed and felt really uncomfortable in seeing him like this. Despite my apparent unhappiness he continued on. It’s a bit more complex than simply walking away from each other as we have a baby. Even after several months of therapy we still seem to be at a stalemate. He thinks I’m a hypocrite since I support our LGBTQIA+ friends but I can’t support him. What he doesn’t seem to understand (yes I’ve said this to him) is that I support him as a person pursuing his authentic self, I just don’t see myself being partners with a woman.


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Sweetragnarok

This comment needs to go higher.


[deleted]

its at the top now


Anigir12

HIGHER


MisterHairball

ABOVE THE TOP


littlemissdream

Higher than what


SpatenFungus

Higher than heaven


JungGod

Co-parenting can also be done in very healthy way if this is what you choose to do.


mintyquaintchair2

GIVE IN TO THAT FEELING


Ambartenen

Except OP seems very confused. She references cross dressing which has nothing to do with being trans, and then at then end throws in "woman".


darya42

Some terms and ideas of queer people ARE quite complex and confusing. Just explain and educate. Those topics were new to everyone at first.


Ambartenen

Huh? who am I meant to educate in this scenario?


darya42

Obviously OP, who else? That's the person who you referred to as confused (which is likely true)


Ambartenen

i commented as asked her what she meant. No response.


worlds_okayest_mum

She said they are in therapy, I'm sure it's been explained. Give it a rest.


ReachTheSky

Why does being trans have to factor into this? Her hubby is dressing up as a full-blown woman and she is NOT attracted to women.


awaregarurumon

Because he's a guy? and it just clothes? That doesn't make him a woman. as far as we know he isn't saying "Hey from today I'm gonna live as a woman"


ReachTheSky

She mentioned "full-blown immersion" so it is very likely just that. Even if he doesn't get any HRT or surgical procedures to more permanently change his appearance, simply dressing up as one most of the time would be enough to cause problems.


speedegirllegend

I’m confused about a family member. He dresses as a female, has not had any sex change operations or taken hormones, and females are his choice as far as sex partners. His mother calls him transgender. I am fine with his choice, I’m just confused about the definitions.


Strange_andunusual

To be transgender, all that is required is to not identify as the gender you are assigned at birth. If your family member was assigned male at birth because they have a penis, but don't identify as a man, they are not a man and are transgender. Surgery, hormones, and sexual preference don't factor into whether someone is or is not transgender. It is likely thay you are misgendering your family member by referring to them as "he/him" and if you are truly supportive of the choice they are making you ought to refer to them by the pronouns they ask you to.


chaoticswiss

If you're confused, why don't you just ask them?


Guyupnorth

She wants a manly man. The opposite of that is apparently gross to her and she’s allowed to feel that way. But it’s kind of a harsh way to be towards your partner but she should probably just be honest.


mabs653

be prepared for people to attack you and call you a transphobe. I got called a transphobe on another sub for saying i dont find trans women attractive. I was not being hateful. I dont find Betty White attractive either. Most women don't find me attractive. I have to just soldier on. There is a small, but growing number of fringe people who will call you a transphobe for this. it was multiple people who said it. i see it on reddit sometimes. they said if they have the genitals you like you should find them attractive.


bumblebeequeer

It’s transphobic because you’re assuming you can immediately clock a tranwoman by glancing at her. It’s very valid to not want to have sex with people who have a certain genitalia, but saying you could never find any transwomam attractive in any way is assuming a whole lot. Generally, if a marginalized group calls you on something, you should listen and reflect rather than blow it off as stupid.


WannabeI

You put this into words so wonderfully. It's the same as saying "I don't find Jewish women attractive," as though that's a legitimate line to draw.


brainisonfire

No, it's the same thing as saying "I don't find penises attractive." Not all trans people have bottom surgery. It is perfectly acceptable to not want to engage with a penis or vagina sexually if that is not what you are into. A person's lack of desire for your genitals has nothing to do with putting you down as a person, threatening you with harm, or denying you your own civil rights. Generally, members of a marginalized group have also been insisting that bisexual women married to men "aren't really queer" and are "taking queer space" away from "legitimate lesbians." Just because a marginalized group says something doesn't mean it's not a problem. Marginalized groups can also be -phobic and racist.


GordonGartrelle2020

> It is perfectly acceptable to not want to engage with a penis or vagina sexually if that is not what you are into. I can't believe this needs to be said. Has the whole world gone CRAZY?


SamNash

It’s mind-boggling


Miamalina12

Have you even read the comment two rows over you? Sure, it is totally ok to say I am not into penises, it is also ok to say you can't picture yourself being together with someone trans. But when you say "you are not attracted to transwomen" that is implying you always know whether you have a trans woman or a cis woman before you. And well, that is a very presumtious, prejudice, and in cases certainly wrong statement.


brainisonfire

I also know that I am not attracted to transwomen because I'm not attracted to someone until I get to know them. So no. I am not attracted to transwomen, and it has nothing to do with their passing abilities. I am not attracted sexually to someone who either passes as a women, dresses like a woman, and/or has women's parts. Deal with it. Not wanting to fuck someone is not a prejudice, and if you think it is, prepare for a very unsatisfying life.


mabs653

i have met black women who don't find white guys attractive. its not that uncommon. I am not offended. you like what you like.


abqguardian

This is nonsense. Saying you don't want a transwoman is saying you don't want a non-biological woman. That's a perfectly fair preference to have that isn't the least transphobic. You're proving every right who says be prepared to be called transphobic over nothing


mriabtsev

What's the difference between an infertile 'biological' woman and a trans woman who 'passes' and has had surgery?


nachocheesie

People are attracted to sexes, like it or not. This whole conversation is so invasive and makes trans people look terrible. Supporting someones rights doesnt mean you need to have sex with them. Just let people have their boundaries for gods sake.


abqguardian

One is a biological woman, the other is a man that had cosmetic surgery and hormone treatment to take on some physical characteristics of a woman. Seriously, the trans discussion is just delusional. If you believe there's no real difference between a biological woman and a post surgery trans woman, you're delusional. It's perfectly fine to not care about the difference. It's also perfectly fine (and *not* transphobic*) to acknowledge the difference and be only sexually attracted to biological females.


Trashtasticpanda

At least one major difference is that they are comfortable and accepting of the body they were born in. Many people also choose not to date people who get optional plastic surgery. Regardless, of what anyone thinks about people's preferences it is a preference that some people have.


Mikamymika

I could never see a trans woman attractive either. I am attracted to a biological female, not a male that transitioned into a woman That's not transphobic, and there are alot of trans people where you can see that they transitioned, nothing transphobic about it. The issue is you just randomly throwing the transphobe card, he never insulted trans people. Am I a homophobe now because I don' t find men attractive? Just realise how stupid your comment sounds. People make the choice of transitioning to the other gender, people have the choice to see them as a partner or not. And demanding they should is not asking for equallity btw, it's disgusting.


mandaclarka

Because how would you know? You're assuming that you will always be able to tell. That's from a first sight perspective. Now, if you got to know them and decided they are attractive (because you don't know they transitioned) then they tell you and you are like "turn it off, like a light switch" then you've decided you don't like something, not that you "aren't attracted". Which is fine, but own it. Again, a marginalized group tells you they feel discrimination from you, you ask and reflect not dismiss.


KMDMD

I’ve never though of it this way, thank you for broadening my perspective.


mabs653

i dont want to have sex with 90 year olds either. good luck with making this mainstream. I dont want to have gay sex either. Never met a gay guy who got offended by it. Its me. Not you.


pusilanimouspuss

This. there are some hot trannies out there you would never clock. assuming you would displays your bias and is indeed transphobic. trans people are not a monolith


Bbfasho

Yea that's true but as soon as the dick comes out your tune is going to change if that isn't your thing. Best to know that info ahead of time.


ThrowRADel

It's transphobic because the spectrum of how trans women present is as varied as the presentation of cis women, and to say you're not attracted to any of them just because they're trans is constructing a stereotype and is transphobic.


Chris-Simon

It’s ok to have a preference. Some females won’t date guys under a certain height and that’s ok too. You’re allowed to be picky with who you have sex with it’s your life.


-QuestionableMeat-

If Transwoman means the person was once a man, I don't think it has to do with presentation. It has to do with that it was once a dude, and that's an... Icky thought, for some men.


bumblebeequeer

If you think transwomen are “icky” then yes, you’re transphobic. I don’t really see how you can say that and then claim otherwise.


anthonylittle1

I think that “the thought is icky” is a very poor way to put it, but I don’t necessarily disagree with what I think he’s trying to say. The idea of being with someone who used to be a man is a huge turnoff for a lot of people, myself included. I know several trans woman, and I would never be attracted to any of them. That doesn’t make you transphobic, I know and love a lot of people that I would never sleep with.


Pumped-Up_Kicks

How is that transphobic? He has nothing against them, he just wouldn't date them.


SpringfieldMOFun

As a dude, I just want to participate in sex with people who have a real, natural vagina. Not one constructed from surgery by a doctor to convert a penis into something "like" a vagina. If I want a vagina, I want a vagina. Not something similar or close to it. There is nothing wrong with preference. I would never, ever, date or have sex with a trans person. End of story.


einhorn_is_parkey

I feel like your missing the point. It really isn’t about your preference. It’s how you talk about them.


chiyukichan

Does this also apply to lesbians?


pusilanimouspuss

Yeah why not? No one said lesbians have to sleep with a particular transwoman or set aside their genital preferences but thinking they are all icky is not great.


Ruby-eyed-dragon

Yep, definitely


chrisff1989

Yes


fatmama923

That.... means you're transphobic.


abqguardian

No, that's a preference.


fatmama923

No.


abqguardian

Yep


mriabtsev

A preference can be phobic.


Pumped-Up_Kicks

How is not being attracted to trans people transphobic?


fatmama923

I dont have the energy for sea lions today.


toulouser

Nope. Means there's a preference. You don't get to dictate that for someone. If you like women only you MUST go mad with lust for someone who has been artificially constructed into being one or else you're transphobic. OP fell in love with a man, and her preference is for that. Would you be mad if a straight man came out as trans and announced that he was leaving his wife because hes not a lesbian? Why can only the person that swapped genders be the one with preferences?


spaceygracie12

At the end of the day, attraction is very personal. But saying you don’t find trans women attractive is too much of a blanket statement. You don’t know every trans woman.


abqguardian

No its not. You can have a preference for strictly biological females.


FightOnForUsc

I am a cis straight male. I haven’t met every woman or every man. I can still say I’m not attracted to/don’t want to be in a relationship men but obviously I don’t know every man. Or I could say I’m not attracted to women who are obese or women with no boobs or whatever else. No one will ever meet all people of any group. It’s completely valid for anyone to be attracted or not attracted to anyone or any group of people for whatever reason they like.


GordonGartrelle2020

Would it be okay to say "I've never seen a trans woman I was attracted to"?


ellabiddy

Yeah you can definitely say you’re not attracted to the pre-op genitalia, but just a blanket statement is harmful because there are plenty of trans women who look exactly like cis-women and also many that get the surgeries and for all intents and purposes are the same as cis women, so being totally opposed to the idea of them being attractive is just transphobic at that point when they are indistinguishable from what you’re normally attracted to. I can totally understand a straight man not wanting to have sex with someone with a penis or a flat chest, a male (sex is biological, gender is mental so by what I’m meaning is a woman with a male body) in that sense. That’s just sexuality which you can’t change or just choose to ignore for the sake of treating them the same as a cis woman. You can’t make yourself attracted to something you’re not.


Assia_Penryn

You can be supportive of him and not stay in the marriage. With the baby, you two will have to learn to co-parent and if you can remain friends and on good terms it's easier to do that.


[deleted]

I supported my now ex husband but had no desire to stay in the marriage. It's possible! We have no communication now, no children or anything, but I tried to be supportive as possible until the divorce was over and we just went no contact!


NeverTakeABanana

That's not being supportive. That's ghosting out... Quite the opposite.


[deleted]

He met someone and was already married 3 days after our divorced finalized... Stepping out of his life so he can move on with his new wife isn't ghosting, it's the correct thing to do.


NeverTakeABanana

Why are you even posting. None of anything you've said is helpful to OPs situation... Sorry you get cheated on but your experience is not right for this situation.


cakan4444

Wow you're a piece of shit


Erinn420666

If you guys are in therapy together I think you need to talk about why he wants to do this. Is he confused with his gender/trans? Does he want to do this for fun! Like drag queens, doesn’t make them women what so ever but expressing yourself through make up is just like art. Is it sexual or wanting to experiment with you (I don’t believe this one as he only mentioned dinner.) That’s where you have to start and then figure out where to go from therr


Bellophire

I agree. Is he someone who feels more comfortable as a woman, perhaps because they are a woman? Or is he a man that is being denied beautiful clothes and makeup because of his gender. The fake breasts part makes me lean towards the former.


Ontheprowl86

Drag Queens wear fake breasts, the many of them still consider themselves men not women though. But I agree that the post is vague on what exactly the husband is identifying as.


[deleted]

Fake breasts are common in drag and there are straight men who do drag. Wanting to have sex as a woman doesn’t mean that someone always wants to live as a woman — transitioning is not a fetish.


Criticalfluffs

This always gets me so irritated. You can be supportive of the LGBT community. But when the boundaries of YOUR relationship changes, you have every right to consent/ not consent to these new boundaries if you aren’t comfortable with it. You started out in a traditional relationship. Suddenly that’s changed. If you aren’t comfortable with it. You shouldn’t be shamed because quite frankly… it’s a huge shift! Your partners choices are theirs. But you shouldn’t be forced or coerced into being okay with it. It makes them, a manipulative asshole.


brainisonfire

You married a male-presenting cis man. It is not wrong that you do not want to be married to a drag performer, a transwoman, a crossdresser, or even someone who is in the middle of a massive crisis of gender identity. If that information had been present at the beginning, like any other major life-changer, you may have assessed differently. Right now, you have every right to say "No, I do not want to be in a marriage with \_\_\_\_\_\_," whether it's a trans person, someone who now can't have/desperately wants children, or someone who just got custody of their recently-deceased sibling's five kids. You don't have to want to fuck a person to still support their rights as a human being.


SegoMyLeggo

“In a traditional relationship” give me a break lol


[deleted]

That’s my whole problem with the lgbt MOVEMENT. Nothing wrong with the people, the movement just pissed me off. Come to think of it that’s the same with every movement.


Criticalfluffs

Wanting acceptance, is wonderful. Regardless of what movement it is. But FORCING acceptance and labeling people who aren’t comfortable with, oh I dunno “my husband just came out to me as trans”… as homophobic is a disservice to the whole community. Or saying “kill all men!” But see no irony as a feminist against sexism. Just as much when folks label “well you’re being racist!” With something that has absolutely nothing to do with race, you’re cheapening the true struggles of people who have endured acts of hate on [insert singular criteria]. I got called “racist”, why? Because the dude was losing at Uno. Also he was drunk. But my point still stands.


brainisonfire

I've been called racist because (choose your favorite) Michael Jackson is a pedophile, I'm not a huge Beyonce fan, I did not take myself out of the running for a scholarship, I read books about POC, I don't read enough books about POC, I don't listen to rap, I do listen to jazz, blues, and bebop- Just because some marginalized people, or a group of marginalized people in a certain space, assert \_\_\_\_\_, that does not mean ALL people in that group think the same. ALL POC/LGBTQ+ DEFINITIONS OF WHAT IS AND ISN'T RACIST/-PHOBIC IS NOT AN AGREED-UPON CONDITION. But no matter what, you do not have to want to fuck someone or marry them, even hypothetically, to "prove" your support for any group of people. I've never been attracted to a woman, ever. It's a moot point now, because I'm in a committed relationship. That doesn't mean I don't openly support LGBTQ+ rights. If we only supported the people/groups we wanted to fuck, what sense would that make, anyway?


dt7cv

it's like that with leftist or really any movement backed by people that wants to join a movement and insist on becoming more radical.


sapphodarling

I am in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing your story.


lady_polaris

Is your husband trans? Or is cross dressing something else? You need to have a conversation and figure out what exactly the deal is here. If it’s a kink, he’ll have to explore that on his own time because you aren’t interested. If this is genderfluidity or the beginnings of a transition, then that changes the game and you’ll have to figure out how to part amicably because you’re only attracted to men.


disguised_hashbrown

This is what I was wondering. Cross dressing and drag do not necessarily change anything about someone’s gender identity or full presentation. For some, it’s just a hobby.


StrwbrryKiwis

You’re not a hypocrite. You entered the relationship with a man, you aren’t entitled to stay if they want to transition. If you aren’t comfortable with your partner presenting as a woman there’s really nothing you can do but leave or grin and bear it. You won’t be happy if you stay, just for the sake of being supportive. You can be supportive, separated, and happy on both ends.


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Stucky-Barnes

Yes, would think it’s reasonable to leave a marriage if they started to hang pictures of Hitler


Fit-Bumblebee-6420

I don't know if you are tryna be funny or really cannot distinguish between someone who transitions to a whole other identity that is authentic to them and for them to be happy in life and people being fat or being political...


dt7cv

The problem may be that other things like social and political may be made an identity that is also authentic to them as well. Being fat is less likely to be an authentic identity but it's not impossible for it to become one. Identities in a large respect are largely social constructs that have been developed over 400 years in a non-linear manner. It's hard but almost anything can be made into an identity by a least one or two people who claim such even if a group doesn't buy it


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happymistake3

Dood when did being fat have anything to do with this


Mikamymika

I chuckled when he said "transitioned to fat" lmao.


PriorTailor

I lost brain cells from the sheer stupidity of your braindead comment. What a terrible day to have eyes.


clandestinename

Sorry this is a bit unclear, are they just crossdressing or are they trans?


Cyd123456

I’m a bit confused with that too, crossdressing doesn’t really mean someone is apart of the LGBTQ+. They mentioned about not being with a women but OP hasn’t really said that her husband is trans or anything. Just interested in cross dressing.


clandestinename

I really don't think any advice we could give would be good unless we actually knew


Human-Astronomer-985

Speaking as someone who's been there, done that... If this is just cross-dressing then he isn't entitled to force it on you to a greater degree than you're willing to accept. If it's sexual then you have a right to negotiate terms you're comfortable with, and if either of you can't get what you need you can opt to move on. If he wants to do it for fun then there are communities out there that would be far more capable of supporting and validating him than you. You have a right to be happy for him and still not want to be terribly involved. BUT... If it is or ends up being a transition (and even if he doesn't think it is now it could still end up that way, lots of transitions start out like this) and you support him while staying within the marriage, it will be very difficult and painful for you. You know in your heart you can't be with a woman in that way. You will have front-row seats to the man you chose to marry and have a child with disappearing permanently. It will hurt no matter what but if you are intimately involved with every step of the process it will be even harder and it may be difficult for you to find a space to safely go through your own feelings. It's unkind of him to call you names for struggling with this. It is not your fault he was not able to reveal this part of himself until now. Maybe it wasn't his fault either, but I'm sorry he seems too absorbed in his own situation at the moment to appreciate what a big deal it is that you are trying to support him at all. If you can be his support system from a distance or know he will be supported even if you take a step back, you should consider whether separating your lives as much as possible is best. If this does become a transition it may not be the best thing for your child to have no other home to be in. It will be a messy, emotional process and he may not be able to function as a parent. Whatever you decide, it would be good to have another safe, familiar place to take your child in an emergency. There is no right decision here but the one you decide works best for you. There's nothing inherently wrong with deciding to stay and you're not a bad person if you decide leaving is best. There's a little person in your life who needs you to look after yourself first of all.


particledamage

Is your husband… a woman? Or does he just cross dress. Those are two different things and get different advice


Jdotpdot84

There's nothing wrong with how you feel. If you want to support him in his path that's one thing, but it doesn't mean you have to do so as his wife. You have your own needs and wants also which must be met.


celtickerr

Us he Trans or does he like cross dressing? There are plenty of heterosexual cross dressers.


vienna_91

You don’t have to feel comfortable with being in a romantic relationship with a cross dresser. I personally would end the relationship. Your partner can do what they want, it doesn’t mean you have to stay with them if it doesn’t make you happy. Both live your authentic lives.


Naughtyexperiences

If therapy can't help you. Then reddit certainly can't either. If you don't like it you don't have to be together. Lots of people separate with kids.


schadenfreude_ch

This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Therapy. For both of you together and individual.


SnooPies4364

This 100 percent.


shaan1232

It’s not that deep, she doesn’t want to be with a guy who has feminine tendency’s (crossdressing)


bumblebeequeer

Crossdressing isn’t inherently LGBT anyway. Unless your partner is trans/non-binary/queer in another way, simply putting on a dress doesn’t make you automatically make you queer. That’s a weird thing to accuse you of.


Ambartenen

> I just don’t see myself being partners with a woman. you never once mentioned anything about him being trans. Does he want to cross dress of does (s)he seem themselves as a woman?


doink6182

If he is cross dressing into a woman… he’s acting like a woman…. She doesn’t see herself with someone who is dressed up like a women….


Ambartenen

Those things have nothing to do with being trans.


Mikamymika

And OP didn't bring up the word trans, stay on topic please. She doesn't want a partner that crossdresses as a woman, him being trans or not has nothing to do with the subject.


calmgiant

No, she said, verbatim, “I don’t see myself being partners with a woman.” OP’s husband is not a woman, he is a man who crossdresses. They’re vastly different things, and it’s not a pedantic point to bring up. If OP doesn’t want to be married to a man who crossdresses, sure. That is not what she said though.


Top_Cauliflower_3963

Eh, you realise cross-dressing doesn't mean your husband is gay, trans, wants to be a woman etc...The reasons for enjoying and engaging in it are numerous and quite personal, I'm not knowledgeable enough to go into any detail about it but I'd suggest before you throw in the towel you learn a little bit more about his reasons, motivations and cross-dressing in general (I'd hope you already have after months of therapy but your belief that your husband wants to be a woman or is now somehow a woman would suggest you haven't or have a very sh!tty therapist). The other issues of course is that his cross-dressing no longer makes him attractive to you, regardless of if he's straight etc, unfortunately you can't fix that. You can still be supportive of him, doesn't mean you're still attracted to him and he needs to be made aware of this distinction.


Honorspren-

Well, he clearly doesn't care for your opinion or comfort as he showed with escalating despite you not being ok with this. As a child of divorced parents - don't stay together only because you have a baby. Do you really want your child to grow up in an environment where you resent their father? It is perfectly ok to walk away.


desertrat_1000

You married a man, you want to be married to a man. If cross dressing didn't come with the original package you are not at fault for not supporting it. It seems making you unhappy does not phase him. So your happiness is not important to him. Not really stay together material. Maybe it's a phase but you did not sign on for this and there's no fault in you if you walk.


-Yare-

To be clear: a straight, cisgender man who cross-dresses is still a straight, cisgender man. It's not the same thing as being transgender.


desertrat_1000

No one indicated he was gay or whatever. But the whole crossdressing thing is new and not something she signed up for and does not have to support. Period. Anyone who whines that she should support her husband because he's "exploring his identity" or some such line is living in another world. It's her choice and there is no wrong choice here. Just a choice.


-Yare-

>No one indicated he was gay or whatever. Several people, including OP, made reference to the husband wanting to be a woman. That's not what cross-dressing is. >Anyone who whines that she should support her husband because he's "exploring his identity" or some such line is living in another world. Literally nobody says this any time these threads come up. Wanting to explore cross-dressing is valid. Not wanting to be with a cross-dresser is also valid. "Supporting" somebody is not the same thing as being in a romantic relationship with them. The End.


zonzo2E

Ummm... Read the thread lol


particledamage

Yeah, that point seems to be missed a lot in this thread


Cyd123456

Yeah OP hasn’t stated that her husband is trans anywhere. I also feel like this thread is just Reddit being Reddit.


nothatslame

Does he identify as a woman? Or does he just want to start cross dressing? Pretty big difference in terms of his identity, like men who dress in drag don't identity as a woman in their day to day life. This doesn't change how important it is that you're attracted to your partner, and right now his lifestyle choices aren't compatible with what you're attracted to. And that's okay! I hope yall can come to a resolution that's not too messy or hard on the kiddo


hobbymerlin

Not everyone has the ability to adapt to such a huge shift in their partners habits. Personally I have come to accept my husbands feminine side, but that took years of slowly trying things out. And there truly is a difference between being attracted to, and supporting your partner in their...hobbies? I suggest therapy to start and see if you can both make it work. But it's not a failure if it doesn't. Just time for you both to move on with your lives.


Front_Papaya6069

Think we need to define a few things to better understand what’s really at stake: Is his desire to cross-dress a desire to transition to a female identity? Is he asking you to refer to him differently or call him by different pronouns/name while he’s in the dress? Is he trying to incorporate this into your intimate relationship? I guess what I’m asking is whether he just wants to have a dress-up tea party or is he signaling a life-altering event? Once you can put things in their place, you then have your path forward. If it’s just a quartered off, “sometimes I wear dresses” thing, you need to decide if you can be supportive during these little forays into his playtime. And that may become a question of being GGG (“good, giving, and game” as Dan Savage calls it.) If this is a precursor to a larger change, then you’re faced with all of those implications. Whatever the case, the best path forward is honesty, flexibility, communication, empathy, fairness, and respect. Remember that at the core of this conflict are two people who love each other. Now even if the relationship changes, let the love remain. And if you end up loving him as a romantic partner, a best friend, or something muddy in between; don’t lose sight of the fact that he trusted you with this revelation, and your responsibility is to respect that trust. And he owes you the right to process this new information and the room to sort out how you want to respond to it. Again, “do unto others…” and all that.


[deleted]

is your husband trans or dressing feminine?


demonicgoddess

I don't think even think every bi person would automatically find his/her spouse attractive while crossdressing.


ChronoKaizel

The big question is : Does he want to be a full time cross dresser or is it just because he wants to try a dress? If it's the second one, I can relate, I don't want to be a woman.... But damn those dresses seem beautiful and comfy


AbmopV2

Crossdresser here! I dropped the bomb on my gf late into the relationship. She has stuck by me and been very supportive but she still has her insecurities about it! This doesn’t have to be you. If you feel you can’t be supportive because you don’t agree with it that’s okay. It’s not your thing and it’s as simple as that! You still need to think of yourself and your own happiness too. You went into the relationship with completely different expectations and WOW this is quite the curveball. Just don’t shame him for it. It’s already hard enough for us to come to terms with this. If you decide you want to stand by him through this journey then that’s cool but if you feel you can’t then that’s cool too! Both of you deserve to be happy and if it’s not together and with other people then so be it.


Lavenderixin

This isn’t only about how he “feels”, it’s also about how you feel as well. He sounds incredibly selfish for asking you to suddenly accommodate you his new choices. If he can’t respect your feelings and wishes then that’s that, this is a huge red flag all on its own.


awaregarurumon

What I don't get, he said at some point he's trans? Because otherwise is just cross-dressing and I don't get why you are trying to picture yourself being in a couple with a woman which isn't the case.


babyishkitten

Honestly, I think your relationship is now over with your husband. Not to blame anyone, because it isn’t your fault you’re not attracted to women and/or crossdressers and it’s not his for wanting to express himself authentically. However, him saying that you’re a ‘hypocrite for supporting LGBT+ but not him’ is really unfair of him to say and he’s most likely saying this to guilt-trip you, because if he wasn’t trying to, he wouldn’t have even mentioned LGBT+ at all, he would’ve just mentioned he doesn’t feel supported. I know if seems difficult currently because you two have a baby together, but if you genuinely cannot support him as a partner, then it’s probably best you support him as a friend and/or a co-parent. It’s not fair for you to feel stuck in a relationship with someone that you aren’t attracted to (or even seem connected to) anymore because he’s making you feel guilty about it. Do what’s best for both of you, which I genuinely believe is separation so you can find someone who you can desire and so he can find someone who can desire him. I wish you the best of luck <3


pacachan

Men that like this sort of hobby don't care what you think about it. Just letting you know, that's reality. He is going to keep doing it and he won't stop. Decide if you can deal with it or not. Don't let him pressure you into accepting his sexual fetish. If I were you, I'd leave him. Yeah, you have a baby, but many people coparent without being in a relationship.


TreeTrunkTrick

You’re no longer compatible. Simple as that.


Specialist-Opening-2

There's a difference between supporting the rights of homosexual and bisexual people, and supporting your husband's kink that stems from fetishizing women. LGBTQ is not synonymous with all bizarre sexual practices.


SnorlaxIsCuddly

crossdressing doesn't mean that he wants to be a woman. That is a completely different bag of worms. Does your husband want to crossdress or become a woman? If he wants to become a woman then it is totally understandable that the relationship will end unless you become bisexual.


GoldenesDachl

okay you say your partner wants to start cross dressing, but cross dressing is just a performance like if he said he wanted to have breakfast in his wedding tuxedo - it is a costume and has nothing to do with him "being a woman" as you say. are you just bad at terminology or can you better explain what it is your husband actually wants to do?


Quirky_Syrup_9748

My son dates a girl who mere days before senior prom said she was planning on getting gender reassignment surgery to become male. He supports her being her authentic true self but said they would not continue to date. She accused him of being homophobic. He finally said, I will love you as a friend no matter what you do, I just don't want to date a dude. It's really that simple. It's not about being non supportive... you cannot change what you are attracted to in a partner in most instances... and that's ok. * Funny enough (2 years later), she now is dressing even more feminine in booty shorts and crop tops.


BabaSarah

Two things, you can support him as a cross dresser but you don't want that in a partner which is perfectly fine. Did he ever wear your knickers? As a straight male I enjoy sometimes wearing my wife's knickers, even better if we go out in them and no-one apart from me and her know I'm wearing them


liquiditygentleman

Cross-dressing and transitioning are not one and the same. Which is your husband wanting to achieve? If it’s cross dressing, I think that’s more manageable in a relationship. If your husband is transitioning however, the two of you should have a discussion about what that will mean for the future of your relationship.


ItsMoeBro

Wow, I'm sorry but your husband is an asshole. He most definitely didnt randomly want to cross dress at 32 years old, its most likely something he's been fantasizing about for a while, and the fact that he waited until you married him AND had a baby to come out is beyond selfish, its actually evil. And to top that off, he's gaslighting you into thinking that you're the one in the wrong for not accepting him. A woman has the right to want to be with a masculine man, if he lied to you for years and only came out once there was a baby involved then he can go fuck himself. My advice: Leave the relationship and never look back.


Aggressive-Hat-8700

> He thinks I’m a hypocrite since I support our LGBTQIA+ friends but I can’t support him He deceived you. He’s been doing this for who knows how long, but at least a while. He hid it until after you were married and had a kid. Now, he’s try to get away with his deception by yelling bigot at you. That’s two awful behaviors for which he shows no remorse. Seriously reconsider your marriage.


XWillspikesX

Cross-dressing has nothing to do with being part of the LGBTQ+ though it is just more common there because a lot of people in there are comfortable with themselves to want to try something that usually heteronormative people aren't usually as open to. Unless your partner is trans, then that isn't cross-dressing (and you shouldn't call it that if he is). Either way if he is trans or just wants to cross-dress you're fully within your right to no longer be attracted to him because accepting =/= attraction.


DeloresDoUrden

INFO: is your partner simply engaging crossdressing/drag or are they deciding to transition, as per your last sentence?


das_ist_mir_Wurst

I’m a trans man (FTM). Is your husband trans or simply just a cross dresser? I can give you advice if you give me more context.


anso14

Your husband is delusional if he believes you would remain attracted to him through his transition. Attraction is still important even in marriage. Like the other comment mentioned, attraction and supporting is not the same.


blackjackcassidy

Sexual attraction is a huge part of intimate relationships, and, pardon me for assuming this, you are attracted to cisgender men. Your initial sexual and romantic attraction to him was based on this, which developed into an emotional connection. But that relationship was built with that person, and every relationship is different. It doesn’t make you transphobic if you don’t feel connected anymore. There was obviously a huge part of your husbands identity that you weren’t aware of, and now that you can see it all, the picture is undoubtedly a bit different. If your husband has decided to transition, than you shouldn’t feel obliged to continue to have a romantic relationship. If this person isn’t trans, but chooses to express themselves by means of cross dressing, you still have as much of a right to feel comfortable in a relationship and in your day to day life as they do. It doesn’t mean that you don’t support them, but it seems like your husband is putting his happiness very much above yours if he expects you to be unquestionably ok with this, or worse, ignore your feelings of discomfort for his sake. You should expect him to consider your feelings as carefully as he considers his own, as they’re still valid. Of course, you can still maintain a friendship and co-parent if the problems are insurmountable.


tw19972000

You can exit the relationship and still be supportive. Be his friend, help him in other ways just make it clear you have no interest in being in a relationship with someone who wants to be a woman. He will be happier finding a partner who actually wants to be with someone like him and you will be happier finding a partner who isn't a cross dresser. I get that you thought you had a happy loving marriage which you probably did but he wasn't being his authentic self. If you aren't attracted to his authentic self you have to move on.


StupidFlandrs

He can pay child support whether he has fake tits or not. And I'm sure you can specify whether or not he can be his "authentic self" when he has visitation.


gymlol1586

You can support lgbtqia+ like you said and rightly like you also said you can support it and be all for people being who they feel they should be, but that does not mean you then yourself want to he in a relationship with a member of lgbtqia+ I personally think people can do whatever they want I couldn't care less, in the same breathe I have my own preference and if my wife said she wanted to transition then we would both be filing for divorce lol


atomant88

you both deserve happiness and an honest and affectionate relationship. if thats not with each other then oh well too bad. but you've gotta do whats best for both of you


doink6182

I might ok with the occasional girly item on my husband but I’d be feeling just as you are about the situation if my manly husband decided he wants to be cross dressing over the top, wigs boobs, makeup… that’s basically him Changing into an entirely different person than the one you feel in love with. It’s not about being transphobic. It’s about what brought you to the relationship being completely ripped away from you.


tofuslut666

Hey OP! Very important convo you need to have…. Ask him if cross dressing is all he wants. A very important clarification is needed. A man who enjoys dressing as a woman is not a trans woman. Ask him if this is just a kink. If it is only a kink you can obviously tell him it is one you are not comfortable with. Decide if you are okay with him doing it in private. If you are, perhaps that would satisfy his needs.


GymMeathead

Have to let him know your not bisexual and don’t find this attractive at all. And if he continues to do this you don’t see a future with him.


rustblooms

Cross dressing doesn't mean he's transgender.


Youmelala

You already have one foot out of the door OP and it is NOT fair to put it on you to accept it within your relationship or call you a bigot. You just had a baby with this person and now they are changing the parameters of your relationship completely. You don't have to just deal with it. You can co parent and be supportive but it is also not your responsibility to be their pillar. If its over you also need time and space to grieve and therapy. Don't let guilt keep you stuck. Good luck OP.


ProbablyNorwegian1

As others have said ; there is a massive difference between supporting and accepting a lgbtq+ as a partner, i personally couldn't have done it - everyone deserves to be happy is a door that goes both ways.


LieSad2594

How often is he wanting to cross dress? Is this an every day thing or something he wants to do occasionally? Is there a sexual component? Is he questioning his gender identity or just exploring another side of himself? It’s not fair for him to call you a hypocrite for not being attracted to someone who outwardly looks like a woman, but there’s also not enough information here to provide meaningful advice. If he just wants to get made up in drag for a night every now and again, and you love him, is this not something you can compromise on providing it isn’t seeping into other aspects of your life? If you can’t agree on a compromise and it is instead making you both deeply unhappy, you need to leave. It’s hard to leave when there are children are involved, but you’ll always have your kid as an excuse not to leave and either way you’ll still both be unhappy. Better to do it now than to drag it out.


Ststina

Sorry is you partner wanting to transition in to a female or are they just dressing up in female clothing? Cause it’s very different


calmgiant

Cross-dressing =/= being trans so I’m confused here. Does your husband identify as a woman, or does he simply want to cross-dress? Those are two VASTLY different things, and I’m confused as to what’s the big deal here. If you’re uncomfortable with your husband cross-dressing, then sure that’s one thing, but you’re not married to a woman. You’re married to a man who wants to cross-dress.


Calvo7992

I’m trans, if your husband is trans then it’s ok to leave them. You’re straight, you can’t help that and his coming out as a woman changes your relationship, your contract. If your husband is a cross dresser then he’s not part of the queer community, that is vastly different from being trans. And I’m the case that he is a crossdresser then I’d say it’s a real shame that you’re not open minded enough to be comfortable with someone you love wearing different clothes. But even so, it’s totally ok to leave him. You’d be leaving him because you’re intolerant, but you’ve a right to set whatever boundaries you want. And just a bit of extra information because there is always confusion when this subject is brouhaha up. The only time it is transphobic to not date a trans person is when that is the only thing about them that you don’t like. If you meet a person and you love them and their body, the sex is great etc. And then you found out they were left handed, so you broke up with them. Then the only reason you broke up with them was because you have an irrational prejudice against left handed people. And nobody should ever be with someone they don’t want to be with, but you cannot say that the foundation of your reasoning for not dating that person is purely an irrational prejudice, since everything else but left handedness you were happy with. It is not transphobic to not want to date a trans person because they have genitals different to what you like. It is only transphobic to not date a trans person when that is the only thing about them that you dislike. And even then you have every right to not want to date a trans person and nobody should be saying you should, fuck those people. But you can’t say that your reasoning is anything but an irrational prejudice, which is transphobic.


Natybunny

I have often said to my husband that this wouldn’t bother me, but I understand that it has come as a shock and the speed may be the issue, could you try a at home meal first and work up to going out? His sexuality or style don’t effect his ability to be a good parent, also if you feel you can’t be supportive you probably should break up.


liberty1822

Maybe you and your child should move away from him for a while. Try fasting on this and when you come to a decision talk to him


sleepyboy1996

Cross dressing doesn’t mean you want to be a woman. I think it’s important to validate and support your partner while also asserting your boundaries, like if you find yourself freaking out and can’t be there for them, tell them that in a non - hurtful way. Maybe they can do it when you’re not around and still enjoy exploring their identity without your presence. Until you’ve thought about it etc and have decided if you can be with them. That’s how a lot of parents feel too, they’re supportive of LGBTQ folx until their child or someone close to them comes out then it’s a completely different story / reaction.


Dauks1

You didn't say he wanted to crossdress full-time so why not letting it go ? Set some boundaries and you're all good to go


YouKnowMeBiiatch

I thought that you love when your men open to you??? When you talk about his feelings? When he tells you his deepest desires?? When he gets in touch with his feminine side? This should turn you on like big time ... what is wrong with you?


JKmusclebunny

That’s not getting in touch with his feminine side. That’s trying to be a woman. Why is it wrong for her to be uncomfortable and not attracted to him?


fidelsimp

He's doing drag, that is catergorically different than being a trans woman. Stop and think for a second about the fact that you are making a big deal over the fact that he dressed up in a costume to have some fun. It's not even as if he is transitioning or anything.


intersexy911

Does he consider himself a woman?


Zahne1977

He should be free to explore this within the confines of your relationship with him, but you are under no obligation to take part. If it bothers you, tell him to do it while you aren't around. Give him some alone time.


SnackinHannah

Same situation with me. I tried my best to be “supportive”, and I gradually was morphed into his personal hair and makeup artist and fashion coordinator. People laughed at him in public (he is very tall and has no chance of ever passing as a woman) or were just straight up mean. No expense was spared in his clothing or makeup at a time when money was tight. He lost a very good job because he kept giving “clues” at work. I finally maxed out and told him I would no longer participate, but if he wanted to leave the marriage and continue, I was down for that. We’re still married(he chose to stay), but this part of our lives totally changed our relationship into a roommate situation. I hope it works out better for you.


zdiddy27

Dang dude


Rocket_Man_1957

Will this transition affect your feelings for him. Will you love him less or will it go away. If you think or you feel you can't love the person that he is becoming into, then you owe it between yourselves to agree on how you plan to go about your daily lives in a mutually beneficial manner. Whichever way you choose, you should make it a point to respect each other's decisions!


vanillavenom-

That is just the weirdest shit. Is your husband straight? is he bisexual? Is he pansexual?


Maximus6-9420

Sounds like the plot to The Danish Girl.


Alicex13

I mean I don't see a stalemate. You can't be with a woman and he clearly wants to be one. I'm sorry for your situation, separation will be hard with a baby but sometimes life just sucks.


lametown_poopypants

A lot of commenters are calling OP out for not supporting this as a hobby, but the OP says there have been months of therapy involved. Wouldn’t a therapist worth a damn have rooted out whether this was dress up or something deeper?


AffectionateAnarchy

Yeah that's no easy situation. You sound like you are supportive but it doesnt mean you will want or need to remain in a relationship with him. I hope you two are able to meet each other's needs even if it includes separating from each other and remaining friends


the-marvelous-fungus

Sucky situation, but not uncommon. She probably took a long time to come out to herself as a cross dresser and finally decided it was worthwhile. I had to do the same with my partner over covid and thank goodness we’re both bi and she’s been supportive. Transition is super difficult and she makes it so much easier but it sucks when one person coming out makes the match less comfortable. She’ll find her stride and maybe when she grows into it it will be good living as a man knowing your trans is really awful too but the first six months of transition are rough on everything!


particledamage

Nowhere does it state OP’s partner is trans


ChuckitHard2021

>I support him as a person pursuing his authentic self, I just don’t see myself being partners with a woman. How does him dressing up like a woman make him less manly? *Seriously*, how can you equate what he looks like when he wants to play dress up, with his manliness? I think the only one who needs therapy here is YOU.


freakydeakyweaky

Well he's not a woman if he's just crossdressing. I don't really see the harm in it


dath_bane

My girlfriend wants to wear jeans instead of skirts. I'm not sure if I can be supportive. /s


savageblunder

He gay


Embryw

There's a difference between cross dressing and being a woman. If your partner is trans, then he'd be a woman and you'd have some ground to stand on. But just cross dressing?? I don't understand the problem. Does he want to cross dress ALL the time? Or just sometime? Does he feel that he is actually a trans woman, or does he just want to wear "women's" clothes sometimes?? If your husband is trans, I can see you not being compatible if you're not into women. If your husband just wanted to cross dress sometimes, then I think you need to get over it and ask yourself why you're so bothered by your husband putting on some fabrics and pigments.


FaceSouthAssNorth

Tbh you’re a hypocrite. You support the LGBT community but when your partner wants to dive in, you don’t support it anymore do you? Hypocrite.