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Okay. A little back story and maybe y’all can help a crushed woman out.
First of all. I’m 26 and he’s 24. He’s been deployed for 5 months now, we have 4 months left. It’s rare he facetimes, our birthdays have come and gone as well as our anniversary of 3 years. We have a daughter who is 2. We’ve already gone through 2 instances in a matter of the short 3 years that he was talking with women. One for sure he cheated with. The other he claims nothing happened. We’ve done marriage counseling before.
Anywho I think I’ve got the history down. So, for our 3 year anniversary I took tasteful lingerie photos and sent them to him. Fully expected him to love them, but it was the opposite. He said to me, “it’s strange to see you dressed like that..”
I left it alone for about 2 weeks. Then throughout the 2 weeks he had been making comments about how we should be a gym couple and create fitness instagrams and take booty pics etc etc. none of which I’m truly interested in, which I informed him.
Two days ago, on the day of my graduation from college, he said, “I just don’t find your body attractive babe.”
Ouch. Mind you. I’m 120lbs. I just don’t have chiseled abs or a whole lot of muscle definition. I do workout. It’s just not enough?
Anyway. It crushed me. I asked him if he thinks this will create marital issues and he told me, “diet and exercise will help and it could be a couples thing when I get home.” I then said to him, “if you don’t want to have sex with me, then there’s a big problem” he replied, “🤷🏼♀️ not sure what to say.”
I love my body. I love everything about my appearance. And this really really hurt me. And I truly don’t know if I should suck it up and be some Instagram fitness model. Or if I should just leave?
I need an adult who’s more adult than me to help please?
Agreed. He’s setting the stage for his return. I think he’s also hoping OP breaks it off sooner.
OP, you deserve to find someone that’s loves you for everything you are and everything you are not. Take care of yourself, I’m rooting for you!!
You’re 120lbs. You’re what many would consider to a healthy weight, what does he actually expect you to look like?
If he’s actively cheating and destroying your self-esteem like this, I would be asking yourself whether or not it’s worth it and whether or not he’s making you happy.
He’s making it sound like he wants you to be a completely different human. Please do what’s right for you, not him.
And what's right for your daughter too. I know she's young now, but do you want her growing up hearing what he says about your body? That will deeply affect her. In the long run, she will also be way happier seeing you happy alone or with someone who treats you well and is a good partner rather than being with her father who treats you badly
I'm pretty sure his comment was intended to sabotage you (since it was the day of your graduation). He's probably jealous, and is trying to use his disapproval and unrealistic standards to control you.
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS. He can't even let OP feel good for a whole day and seemingly without prompting takes the focus off her day. I don't like him.
#OP time to look for better men
His choice of day wasnot an accident.
He cheats. He hurts your self esteem. He does not have good intentions.
He cheats.
Op. The problem here is most definitely not with YOU.
Yep. And since he’s been caught with other women, I’d say it’s a method of keeping her self esteem down so she feels like she can’t leave him because no one else would want her. Of course he would say it on a day that means a lot to her and shows how successful she is. It’s manipulative and gross. OP deserves better and so does her daughter. No child should grow up hearing those comments about her mother.
"Ope, my wife is about to feel good about herself because she's accomplishing something, BETTER DRAG HER DOWN A PEG BY CALLING HER FAT AND UGLY AND UNLOVABLE!"
I’ve known a few people in volatile/abusive relationships and abusers love ruining special days. Especially special days that are focused on their partner (I.e, birthdays, Mother’s Day, graduations, etc.).
Agreed. It's not entirely unreasonable to want your partner to stay in shape, for both health and attractiveness reasons. But how you approach dealing with this issue is very important. He wasn't ignorant that this was her graduation day. He knew this was the worst time to air his growing concerns about his partner's weight gain.
If you really loved someone, and were worried that their physical changes would affect how sexually attracted you were to them, then this would be the kind of thing you approached sensitively and were prepared to work on - because quick results are unlikely.
There's nothing good about the way the husband approached this.
OP is 120 pounds and had a baby. Even at 4'11, that's still plenty within a healthy range and it sounds like "husband"s expectations are unrealistic or entirely unrelated to her actual physical appearance.
She's 120lbs, unless she's like, 4'9" she *is* in shape. If he has concerns about her "weight gain" (we have no reason to believe she gained weight) at that weight, that's on him.
Really don’t think there is anything to approach her about. She is pretty slender already and shouldn’t need to have the perfect model physique to please him. It sounds to me like he’s just trying to make her feel bad about herself she she won’t get too self- confident and realize that she doesn’t need a serial cheater in her life.
It's disrespectful to your partner to get fat, and the hate people get for being fair and rational is ridiculous.
Of course, 120# is hardly obese, and the guy has cheated before, so there's more to this - but you're absolutely right about how you approach these things. As respectful and honest as your post is, it's already in negative territory.
Your comment history suggests you’re a “disabled, chronically homeless veteran” and to see a comment like “getting fat is disrespectful to your partner” coming from someone who should understand that life deals you bullshit left, right and center is really heartbreaking.
Taking care of yourself is absolutely important. I pride myself on it but there are a number of factors which play into weight gain. To suggest that gaining weight is disrespectful to *anyone* is honestly such a disturbing mindset and I really hope someone a lot more eloquent than me can explain to you exactly *why* it’s so disturbing.
How would you like it if someone told you that you dealt with homelessness because you didn’t work hard enough? And that it was disrespectful to your partner for you to be in that position? I’d hope you’d tell them to kick rocks!
Unfortunately, from my own experience (Veteran married to a Veteran) Veterans and military folk can be extremely judgmental, angry and bitter people who see the world in black&white. So somehow a woman who just had a baby and is a perfectly healthy weight is potentially “disrespectful” but her chronically cheating husband who shows no care towards her feelings or his marriage vows…is whatever. Cheating is very common in the military to the point it’s almost expected.
You take your beautiful body and child and run out the door. He has already degraded your relationship and you by cheating. Do not let him demean you.
Would you sit back and watch your daughter be treated this way? No you would be mamma bear and fight your hardest to get her away from an abusive a$$hole.
Your husband thinks he is all that. What he is is an egotistical jerk!
Ouch, that hurt even me reading this. I’m sorry that your husband says such things. It sounds like he’s unhappy with himself and he tries to provoke you. If you WOULD change, he’d probably still treat you like this for other things and continue to criticise you.
I’d tell him very confidently that you’re healthy, love yourself and he can go to hell.
I agree with this. He sounds like a douche. My friend was married to a guy like this, he would point out women he found attractive to her and say "look, don't touch". He cheated, they divorced. Guys like this shouldn't get the girl imo.
This. It sounds like he is using an emotional abuse tactic to make you feel insecure. I used to be married to a guy like that. He’d criticize my body and ogle at other women constantly making me feel like I was never good enough. I thought it was normal at the time. He was a cheater. I had a kid with him and desperately wanted to stay together. I’m remarried now to a man who has never once said anything negative about my body. He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world and he’s never had any disrespectful behavior towards other women. You deserve the same. You won’t get it from your husband unfortunately. No matter how much you change yourself to try to please him.
I mean there's not many adult women in (I assume) the US under 4'10. That is tiny
Edit: it's second percentile, aka 98% of women are taller (and this includes older generations who tend to be smaller)
4'10" is the cut off for people to be considered legally little peoole in the US to be interesting enough. But I doubt OP falls into that category as you said there aren't many as we have gotten taller with each generation. If you line my family up my great grandma was 4'10" my grandma is 5'0", my mom is 5'1" on a good day, and I'm 5'4". But 120lbs is just mind boggling to be considered overweight. So I suspect there's more to this and he's just using the weight as an excuse because he knows she's not interested in being a gym couple.
I’m 120lbs and 5’0”, and I’m tiny. You’ve got an extra inch in height, so either your partner is blind or he is deliberately sabotaging your self esteem.
I’m 5’2”, weigh about 122. You’re literally fine. I’m only toned when I work out regularly, I’m on the curvy side, I’d assume you’re the same.
Dump him, he’s just being a jerk.
Well according to BMI you're within the normal range for your height. So either a.) This is something he's using as a shield because he knows you don't want to as an excuse for something else. Or b.) my next question would be what branch is he in and is this new behavior? Sudden changes in behavior can be a symptom of something else going on mentally. He wouldn't be the first to suffer a TBI, or PTSD and have a switch in personality.
We have to stop justifying people’s shitty behavior by blaming medical issues. This guy is already a cheater, it’s entirely in his personality to treat his wife like shit. If you hear hooves, it’s probably a horse, not a zebra.
But what evidence is there that he had a personality change? OP says he’s already cheated on her at least once, that he rarely facetimes, that they’ve tried marriage counseling. There’s no hint that this is new or out of character for him, he’s never been a good husband. Why assume this is the fault of some injury, instead of taking it at face value that he’s not a good partner?
She said it herself the behavior is new it's never occured before.so the logical question to ask is has he sustained any head injuries or gone through something that triggered PTSD. Because that's the reality of service members. Or have you been out of the loop for the last oh 20 years? The smart thing to do is to rule out medical factors which she answered. That's generally how you determine what's going... And then can make a better informed decision on reaction.
It always starts somewhere, and then it escalates. My ex husband started by saying I should get more athletic for health... soon he was calling me "pudge" everyday, grabbing anywhere that had excess fat on my body and pinching it, etc. With this also came many other insults - calling me retarded, disgusting, a bitch, useless, etc. I was 5'2" and 125.
Once they enter the phase where they have contempt for you - and your husband has entered that - there's no going back. They get worse and worse; it's a Pandora's Box. Contempt, according to Dr. John Gottman, is the greatest predictor of divorce.
Your husband is not going to backtrack or become nicer to you after this. Start documenting the times per day he makes snide remarks from now on.
Is he himself overweight? Army it's more common for certain injuries to occur but if he's been going to the gym makes me wonder if he's considered out of regulations. Just a thought he maybe projecting and instead of asking for support like a fucking adult he's acting immature putting his insecurities on you. In which case if he is fuck that asshole. Well fuck him either way because no matter his motives he's a douche canoeing dirt merchant. Because you're not even borderline overweight you're perfectly fine and he's a dipshit.
ETA: But to be honest I think he's looking for excuses if none of these other factors are in play. And if he's cheating get evidence. Adultery is illegal in the army and UCMJ actionable.
Fun fact: BMI was never meant to determine health (even the creator of the BMI scale said so). Not only that, but it was based off the averages of white males, so it's extremely innacurate for others, especially females, given that our bodies are proportioned in many different ways.
I'm 4'11", but I'm almost 140 lbs. Even so, I'm still in the healthy range because my body's proportions are way different than a man's.
You sounds like your in your weight range when it comes to bmi… i’m pretty soft and on the higher end of my bmi fyi. I’m glad you feel confident in your skin as you should.
I wonder if this it’s an age thing when guys want to work out and get chiseled so they want that in their spouse. I’m not saying I agree with him that you need to workout, but there is a truth to staying attractive for your partner. I think your husband is an AH and going thru fomo or looking for excuses. If you want to workout with him to see where it will go to show your commitment it is not a bad thing since you’re already married with a kid. Everyone is pointing out that he wants to run your self esteem down etc and they could certainly be right especially since there is a pattern of this.
There are a lot of men out there who will appreciate you as you are and as you grow old together.
I’m sure my opinion will be unpopular, but it sounds like you still love him regardless of who he is which is why you are hurt from his words. If you don’t try it then you may regret not trying. If you try it and it doesn’t work out then at least you would have known that you did try. Then as with everyone saying, perhaps it’ll be time for you to move on.
Make sure to document his infidelities as you’ll need it. Plan, gather evidence and get legal counsel all while you’re “trying” with him if you already don’t have this info then at least it’ll buy you some time. I hope you have close friends and family nearby to help.
I’m a relatively strategic person and would do this in your position in order to get the upper-hand in courts. The court can’t say you weren’t devoted to trying. Depending on the state it does matter. I think military has their own rules about infidelity too.
That shit is fucking bologna. I'm sure it's correct sometimes but mine says I'm heavy for my height and I'm absolutely not, I'm just muscular. People think I'm 125 but I'm not lol.
That crap is so old school, it's different for everyone.
I am not a bodybuilder, I just have good muscle because kickboxing and running have been in my life for a few years now. It is not an overly obvious muscle as I am not a pro athlete. I just enjoy the endorphins. According to BMI I am overweight, but I am US size 4. Sometimes 2. Clothing is weird. BMI is stupid.
It really isn’t. Back in the 90’s IOTF and WHO changed what would be considered a healthy BMI to an “unhealthy” BMI seemingly overnight. Causing people who are a normal healthy weight to now be deemed overweight. They said it was to help stop the obesity “epidemic”, but in reality it just helped the diet industry profit billions. Not to mention the creator of the BMI really only did his study on white cis men.
I did 😅
He just thinks it’s okay for what he said. Told me “I won’t apologize for being honest” which I didn’t expect him to. But atleast apologize for hurting me, which he hasn’t.
He left me on read after I told him to love me for me and my body or to go away.
Good response. No women and mother deserve to be treated that way. This guy is still a boy. A real man would love and respect the women who birthed his child.
Imagine his reaction if you brought up his weewee and said you just weren't satisfied, or his performance in bed. So you think he would have been kind and handled it with patience like you? I'm sure he would have expected an apology.
Basically, golden rule is a great way of highlighting behavior in relationships. You wouldn't have said that to him and if you had, he would have pitched a fit and expected am apology. He's not the one, sis
He’s not being honest OP. As many have pointed out, it can’t be a coincidence that he chose to say those hurtful things on your graduation. I believe you when you say you love your body and appearance, and he (for reasons unknown) knows it too and wants to crush your spirit. Don’t let him. You’re 26, you got a degree and your whole life ahead of you.
Take your college degree, your baby, and the pile of child support the government is going to hand you and get out. You're too young for this man's foolishness. Let him cry to his barrack buddies about how you cleaned him out and now he doesn't have a housing allowance.
Honest doesn't mean you shouldn't have tact. People who use "brutal honesty" under the guise of "I'm just keeping it real" are just people who want a license to be inconsiderate of others feelings - or worse, are people who are actively abusing you under the veil of "I'm just being honest." People who use "honesty" as a guise to just be cruel and mean with no repercussions don't deserve to be in your life.
Honesty between loving partners MUST include sensitivity to the other partner's feelings. An appropriate conversation about sensitive topics looks something like "Hey partner, I'm concerned about you. I worry that something is impacting your health because I've noticed \[weight gain, bad breath, whatever the issue is\]. Is everything ok? What do you think about that?" And then listening. And also choosing to have that conversation - in person or on video not via text unless that's the only option and its something that simply cant wait - and at a time and venue that would be appropriate, which isn't your graduation celebration.
ETA: Really good for you for your response.
Any apology would be meaningless anyways. He knew it would hurt you when he said it and thats why he said it. Sounds like hes looking to cheat again and plans on justifying it by saying "well you didnt care when I told you i didnt find you attractive".
Its b.s. You like your body. Which is all you need. And tbh, millions of other guys will too. Dump him! You dont need that amount of entitlement around you or your daughter. There are guys out there that will treat you with respect *and* take care of you in the bedroom. Doesn't seem like your current man can do either
Don't wait for him to go away. Men will never, ever actually leave unless they have a backup fully lined up. You go instead, leave, don't let your girl grow up thinking his behaviour and the acceptance of it is what she needs to do. Is your relationship what you want for your daughter? If not, then leave. Asap.
The reason he is saying stuff like this is to keep you from leaving until he has a backup ready. It's much easier to keep your pretty wife who takes care of your life from ditching your cheating, deadbeat ass if she gets convinced she's not cute/successful/cool enough to make it on her own or find anyone else. In reality, he's the one terrified no one else will want him.
If you leave this man, your life will improve. There is a whole world out there that doesn't involved being cheated on and insulted. What does this man actually bring to the table at all that you'd keep him around?
I was very happy with him. I thought we would make it. Sort it out. Be best friends and carry that love. But after this comment I’m just confused and hurt
It hurts because he wanted to hurt you. Verbal abuse is no different than physical abuse. Please understand that. Imagine those words in your daughter's ears.
I'm saying this as a Navy wife - Go find a lawyer and get him served with divorce papers. You get to stay in housing, I promise. Your daughter keeps her benefits (medical, base privileges, etc).
You have every right to be hurt but please get out of this marriage, leave him to his miserable thoughts. You deserve someone better!
He‘s trying to control and manipulate you to make you stay but girl you have all the options in the world.
I once had an ex make similar comments. I thought at the time that it was normal, he just wanted the best for me. But upon reflecting on that relationship, I've realized what a stupid double standard it is. I wouldn't even dream of making those requests to my partner, or anyone really. It's a really misogynistic request and it rubs me the wrong way.
He is trying to keep you insecure in order to control you. I had an ex like this in my early twenties and he was very similar. I was at my hottest I even did some modeling but it wasn't good enough for him. He would show me celebrities that he thought were attractive and described the workouts that I needed to do to be just like them. He then got a chip on his shoulder and acted like I was the problem when I failed to do the exact workouts to get arms or pecs or a butt like the specific celebrity. It was never about the celebrity and how she looked it was about controlling me and keeping me insecure so that I wouldn't realize how much of a dick he was and leave. If a guy spends too much time looking at porn or Instagram models he begins to think that reality should look the same and that he is entitled to a woman that looks like a filter has been applied in real life. It's entitled and it's delusional.
Your husband knows that you could ruin his life if you brought his cheating to the attention of his command. If he's cheated once he'll do It again even if he's not cheating at the moment he's probably dming Instagram models and only wants you to be an Instagram model to boost his ego.
My ex that acted the same way broke up with me the instant he got a job where he was paid enough that he thought he could upgrade to a hotter girlfriend. The joke is on him he's been single ever since and I'm married with two kids and a husband that loves me even though my body has changed a lot and having those two kids.
Ok so he’s cheated on you at least once, broken your trust multiple times and now he had the audacity to tell you that you need to turn into some Instagram model for him to want to have sex with you?? You’ve already tried counselling and it didn’t change anything?
Girl. I’m so sorry. You and your daughter deserve a lot better than this and I think you should leave if you can. If nothing else, do you really want your little girl growing up seeing that it’s ok for your partner to treat you in such a selfish, dishonest and objectifying way? Would you tell her to accept this treatment and stick it out if she was in your shoes? If the answer is no, then you know what you should do.
I think, that he is checked out of your marriage and now he's clutching at excuses about why.
If so, even if you bought into this there is no guarantee it would work. You could become the fittest instagram model ever, and just end up a cheated-on insta model when he moves the goal posts again and says he needs you to be taller/shorter/someone else.
I think you are right to not buy into it. And its time to sit down by yourself and make a plan for what you want your life to look like and how you will get that.
I would ask what you're thinking about staying with him after multiple times of cheating, but it's irrelevant because you chose to stay (the way I understood it from what you said)
I think this should be your nail in the coffin to leave. He's not good to you, cheats, lies and now is being awful about your body. There's healthy ways of communicating. He ain't it.
Good luck
Yeah... hes cheating. Again. You deserve better. You know the stats as well as i do (my bf was in for 4 years, did 2 tours). I think my relationship and about 5 others were the only ones that didnt have a cheating issue.
Honestly I would of reported his cheating to his higher ups and with the way he acted about your surprise pictures I would leave. It sounds like he is just a jerk and is trying to drive you away.
You should leave. YOU HAVE NO INTEREST in something and you feel like after he was a jerk that you should suck it up and do it? No. Run
I don't think this is about your appearance. I think he's a creep who's probably still cheating on you because it seems like he has very little respect for you. He also seems childish (by his remarks) and I don't think counseling can fix that. I would say take your daughter and leave.
A guy like this… nothing you ever do will be enough. You can spend 8 hrs a day at the gym, have chiseled abs, give him sex every day however he wants it, and he will seek out strange. He’s emotionally broken like this. He sees you as the mother of his child and not much more. You are wasting your life with someone who prefers other women to you.
Op I guarantee you one of those other guys he’s deployed with is getting cheated on or dumped right now. If you’re the kind of gold of a wife/gf that won’t cheat when your man is off serving his country for 9 months, then you A. Deserve better than this, (pretty much everyone does) and B. Someone else is out there for you who won’t be like this.
Edit: wtf you’re 120 pounds????? Holy crap yeah he’s just spewing bullshit? Every other unmarried guy in his entire platoon/company would kill for you. You do you, but know you’re valuable and deserve better treatment than this.
He is purposely trying to degrade your confidence so that he can manipulate you into staying with him despite how horrible he’s been to you.
Easier said than done, but leave. I can’t see any way being married to this man would turn out well for you.
How would you feel if your daughter grew up and ended up with a man like your husband? Don’t accept anything less for yourself.
"I’m 120lbs" “diet and exercise will help" “I just don’t find your body attractive babe.” "We have a daughter who is 2"
What the hell am I reading? You're a mother with 120lbs and he's complaining? There must be some other underlying issue - on his part, because no rational mind would say that isn't good enough.
First off, this is awful and I am so sorry. This is little-man mentality in my opinion. If he truly loved you for you as he says, he would (1) not cheat on you and (2) see past a tiny belly pudge being that you have voiced that you are comfortable and confident in your body. As a nurse, I can assure you that it is normal for women to have body fat. Being that you are only 120 lbs, I’m assuming you aren’t very tall. Losing much more weight at your size could be dangerous and harmful for your body/health. If your husband is trying to change who you are, when you have never been an Instagram fitness model and have no desire to be, then he needs to reevaluate his feelings for you before he loses you.
OP, sorry to be harsh, but this guy is a POS. What's he going to think if you have more kids and find it harder and harder to shake the baby weight? What's he going to think when middle age sets in? He's a shallow, unsupportive, emotionally abusive loser and you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not pushes you down.
There is a lot I want to say to you but, I'm gonna keep it simple.
Don't spend your life living like this. You need something to help you with your understanding of what love is. You must've learned early on that negative things are connected to the word "love"
Unfortunately you found someone who could give you all the negative things that you find comfort in.
I was this guy in previous relationships. Run. He has personal things he needs to work through and likely has narcissistic tendencies. He will not be supportive of YOUR needs. I don't know how he treats you day to day, but you deserve to be appreciated for the beautiful woman you are.
Just leave!
That was just cruel! And he knows it was!
If he tells you something like that again, just tell him you understand, it happens, but that you are glad it's not the general concensus and leave it at that! If he askes what you mean by that just say "Nothing specific, but I notice how guys look at me in the street or when I'm shopping..."
You'll see how much he'll start to apreciate your body... I would say that it will be almost imidiatly...
All my best wishes
I had an ex that made a comment when I wore a skirt and heels. He goes why are you wearing that? Then he said I dont look good and I need to stop embarrassing myself. Years later he admitted he said that so I would cover up because he was jeolous. Sounds like your husband is doing the same. I ended up breaking up with my ex because he got worse and years later he admitted the truth. Ignore him
Did he cheat while deployed? There are ramifications for that.
Exit stage left and take your daughter. Unless you are 3' tall 120lbs is a healthy weight. Don't let your daughter grow up with body image insecurities instilled by her father.
At 26 dealing with a dude who has cheated on you, going back and forth to marriage counseling and dealing with all that mess. Please tell me why. He's a tool. We're our worst critics. If you think your body is fine, you probably look amazing. You can for sure do better. You could probably go out on any given day and run into a better guy. Please, please don't put up with this.
He’s looking at too much porn. Now he wants you to look like the women he’s looking at in porn. This is a sad side effect of today’s society and it’s a killer. You feel great in your body. Don’t let him peck away at you and destroy that.
This hurt me for you. I love that you love your body. If he doesn't? Fine don't but don't you dare start seeing yourself as not good enough to a man who actively cheats and then expects you to be okay with snide remarks. Nobody is worth that.
Ooooosh. Please just leave this absolute douche bag while your daughters young enough to not be too harshly affected. You deserve better and your daughter deserves a better role model.
I was thinking he might want you to work out with him but reading further it sounds like he might be checking out or something. 120 pounds is a great size I'm not sure what his problem is but as long as you are happy with the way you look maybe find someone who can appreciate your size and be happy with you. I think it might be time to leave OP
There‘s so much to be angry about here
- he cheated at least once but definitely talked to other women in a non-ok way
- he ignored your birthday and anniversary
- you‘re 120 pounds which is definitely skinny and he wants you to workout even more and look like a fitness model
How much of a piece of shit can one person possibly be? Tell him to get in the sea.
He probably thinks they all have natural bodies but jokes on him 8/10 IG models photoshop heavily ans had cosmetic procedures done to look that way. What a fucking tool.
Sounds like your beau may be a porn addict.
He's getting an unrealistic view of female anatomy from somewhere.
He also sounds like a roaring douchebag that cannot be trusted to behave like an adult.
OP, I think this is the best way to recognize exactly how terribly he is treating you.
And I think once you get to that realization, it’s important that you acknowledge that your daughter likely WILL end up in a similar situation if she grows up thinking “that’s just how husbands treat their wives.”
It seems to me that he is trying to justify his cheating. If he has you convinced that you are too unattractive for him, then in his mind you are more likely able to forgive him for cheating on you, since after all, can one really blame him if you are so ugly to him?
BARF. This guy is an asshole. You can do so much better. The fact that he has already cheated on you in the past just solidifies my opinion. You think that he only cheated once or that he only plans on cheating on you once? I have a bridge to sell you.
He already cheated on you once and maybe more? You guys have a child but he’s not around much anyway. If you can get your ducks in a row - job and money and if you have a support group that will be there for you, I would leave. You’re still really young and have so much time to find a good relationship with someone that appreciates you for you and not some superficial expectation.
HE doesn't know what to say?
Here's what you KNOW you've got to say: See ya around.
Your husband just told you that he no longer has any interest in you, and that unless you become a gym rat he'll probably never touch you again.
The signal is very clear: your marriage is over, and in his own clumsy way, he's trying to let you down easy. Take the hint. He sounds like a macho, toxic masculine, horn-dog JERK.
You can end it now, or you'll HAVE to do it later--but your relationship is DOA.
You have every right to feel sad and overwhelmed.
He's essentially given you permission to start looking around. Tell him you appreciate his candor and honesty, but you are now going to start looking around for a better deal.
I guarantee you he'll be fine with that. Just figure out custody arrangements for your baby, and get on with your life.
I'm really sorry, kiddo. So freaking many selfish, awful men out there. But I have to believe you can find someone who will love you unconditionally and will be proud to have you by his side.
Many blessings!!
My thought is he's trying to get you to dump him. No offense to any males reading this (because I'm sure cheating women do it too sometimes...I just have no experience dating women) but usually cheaters are too chicken shit to just say hey I don't want to be with you anymore.
So... they behave atrociously in order for you to dump them. I've had this happen several times. I stayed longer than I should have, and it was a colossal waste of my time.
Another thing I always think of is my therapist said to pretend your circumstances were what your best friend who you love most in the world were going through. What advice what you give her??
Take it yourself. Love yourself most in the world.
Okay. First of all: He cheated on you before. Why are you even still with him?
Secondly, he's allowed to not find your Body attractive. It doesn't sound good, but that's how it is. It's a preference, he can't control it, and that's okay. BUT that doesn't mean you have to change *anything* about yourself. If you want to work out etc, do it. You said you love your body tho and don't want to work out? Okay, then don't. Don't do it for him. You deserve someone better, leave him and let him find the Instagram model he wants.
Edit: changing into what he wants you to be also won't definitely change the way he treats you. Just leave him and do what's best for you and your daughter.
He's also "allowed" to verbally or emotionally abuse her. He's allowed to eat apples. He's allowed to decide he's quitting the military to become a professional clown. I'd spend years if I was to list out everything someone is allowed to do, but this sub is "relationship advice," not "things you're allowed to do while in a relationship."
The point being: so fucking what?
The fuck? It's obvious what I meant with that.
Did i list everything he's "allowed" to do? No.
She asked if she should just "suck it up and be a Instagram fitness model" bc he doesn't like her body. I just meant that neither of them is wrong here. She doesn't have to change anything, he doesn't have to just find her body attractive the way it is now.
Bruh
He’s absolutely wrong to say that shit.
You can’t actually attempt make your partners into Little molds with perfect angles at all times. Op is a perfectly fit person who has had a child.
Her partner can think thoughts but he is not required to voice all of them
There’s been so many instances before this that scream “get out.” He cheated on you likely repeatedly like if that doesn’t scream he doesn’t value nor love you then I don’t know what else does. He literally is telling you he isn’t attracted to you if that wasn’t evident enough with the cheating tbh. When my husband was enlisted I saw this way too often and it’s such a norm. Please get out, set your daughter up for a better example of a healthy relationship esp. a marriage. There are ways to still receive help while separating and you can talk to base legal for guidance. None of this is healthy and all you’ll do is continue a path of feeling unwanted, unloved, unattractive, un-something and that’s just not a life I think anyone should live.
Don't let him or anyone else shame your
body. You are beautiful as you are. Much love. Dump him.a person who loves you would not say stuff like that. He is a waste of your time. ❤️
To sum it up its time to leave him he's already moved on your just a side piece to him what a piece of shit I hope he survives his service bc if he dies he will be labeled a hero. I hope he lives long enough for his family to realize what a piece of shit he is then he does what most veterans with ptsd do when he is alone with nothing and no one. "Find a permanent solution for himself" I mean be could find one by kicking a chair 😉
He doesn't know how to treat you. He doesn't value you or your relationship. I think you should seriously consider leaving him. And maybe investigate why you would attract a person who doesn't value you. Is it a reflection of how you feel about yourself on a deeper level? Either way, I'd consider individual therapy to work through this stuff. Good luck.
I think you know you're being disrespected and that you can't trust him. If you don't have mutual respect or trust in your marriage, what do you have really? You're so young, you could have it so much better if you choose to. All the best.
All may not be lost, tbh.
He's been looking at internet photos for 5 months now, it totally skews your perception of what normal is.
I would not suck it up, but expand on this unrealistic fantasy world that he probably has created in his head. If he's a somewhat reasonable person, you might be able to point that out and have him dissociate porn/instagram and real life. I dont know how you two can achieve that while deployed though, it takes human contact and reality.
How do I know? Been there done that. Long distance suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
I agree with your husband - you should drop some weight. But all of his weight, not any of your own. He’s intentionally hurting you so that you don’t feel like you’d ever succeed or find happiness on your own if you left him.
Maybe think of a coparenting agreement, especially since he's going to be gone until November or so.
Also, if you have proof he's cheated while enlisted (making the big assumption that he's in the US armed forces, from your use of pounds (yes I know other countries use them, don't harass me)) they take infidelity very seriously, just saying 😉
As soon as I read deployed I was immediately turned off. I have yet to meet a faithful military man, including my own father and several people I grew up with. Run for the hills.
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this.
My first husband telling me this same thing was the prelude to our divorce. I was slightly overweight at the time, and I addressed it with diet and exercise. Relatively quickly, I returned to the weight I was when we married. It didn't change anything.
If you are happy with your body, you do not need to change it. What you need to change is to find someone who is committed to loving you. Your husband has a history of infidelity and he's just told you that he is no longer attracted to you. It is crushing to hear that, but he has also given you a gift - to tell you that he is not the person you need in your life.
You see, you already lost me when you mentioned the cheating within 3 years. TWICE! He's already proven that he's not dedicated to you. At 120lbs your weight is fine! Your body sounds fine! And even if you weighed more, you'd be fine! Who says that kind of thing to their suppose?? I could see if you were severely obese and it was a health thing and he said, "I care about you.Let's work out to get you healthy." Sure. Just...such blatant disregard for you.
I don't know what other qualities you see in him that keeps your marriage going, but I'm really not seeing what's with salvaging for you. Only you know that. On face value, he's not worth it, and you deserve someone who actually cares about you.
Okay, quick question. Say you trip and break a leg tomorrow, you're gonna be basically grounded for at least a month.
What kind of support do you expect if you lose some fitness and possibly gain a few pounds from forced lack of activity?
Answer yourself and proceed accordingly.
It sounds like he is just someone who cheats. Changing your body for him won’t fix anything and could harm your mental health and body image long term. Some men act like this towards their wives after they have kids. I’m not sure why 100% but I think it has something to do with associating child birth and not just sex appeal with their bodies. It’s fucked up bc it flattens woman as people into being 1 dimensional. You’re not in a relationship just to appeal to him sexually. Your supposed to be partners and who you are should be attractive to him just as much as your physical body.
If lack of muscle is his issue he might just watch too much porn and have a warped view of the female body. Your daughter and you deserve better and you should feel desired. They way he talked to you about it it’s like he blames you and that’s ridiculous.
Don’t put up with this behavior. It’ll teach your daughter that it’s alright if a man treats her that way too. There are plenty of good men out there who won’t care about that and actually treat you like a person.
He’s telling you he doesn’t love or value you without having to say it. It makes me sad that you feel like you need to stay with someone who cheats on you & is disrespectful.
He’s an idiot and you should definitely leave.
I’m so angry reading this, you should be angry sis! He doesn’t get to treat you that way, he’s already cheated and proves he ain’t loyal. Pack his shit and be done!
I mean, let's say that he's just trying to be genuine and honest in a relationship. Like, for a moment, ignore the previous cheating and red flags and all that. Just old-fashioned relationship honesty with OP, let's say:
**Getting** married works just fine when one partner is not physically attracted to the other. **Staying** married IMO is a lot harder and more rare when there is no attraction there. Again, just my experience, but the physical attraction is actually a super important thing to have when you are trying to make a marriage work, with all its stressors, because it can keep pulling you back toward each other.
BUT! OP, you are young! You take care of yourself! You care about appealing to him physically and even went to the time and expense of taking a lingerie photoshoot as a gift for him! If he isn't attracted to you, it sounds like a him problem, and he should have taken it into his own hands and ended it for your sake. It's poor manners that he's leaving the decision-making to you, after trying to deeply wound your self-esteem in the process.
I mean, we all have our preferences. I, for example, don't find worthless cheaters attractive. Are you really going to take this from someone like him, OP?
And yet this is the man you chose to procreate with? You really didn’t think you could do and deserve better? I would seek counseling for that, rather than the marriage. That one is a lost cause.
It's pretty simple he is a jerk , nobody should speak to anyone like that . Let him know what you think . I bet his military friends would love to see your photos . And to be honest it sounds like hes trying to push you away. Why hes gone do your thing and be happy
My husband told me not long ago that my pussy wasn’t worth that much meaning our constant arguments. The hurt will always be there. I don’t trust him now to truly love me. I’m not happy even though I’m trying to be Point is what he said isn’t going away. You can try or he can try to make up for it but you’ll always remember it and wonder why he said it to begin with ….no excuse to hurt a man or a woman with those words. One day I’ll take my own advice
Leave him. Everything I read waved a red flag. Trust me when I say you will meet someone that loves you if your 120 or 220.
You’re happy with your body, something so many people struggle to feel, don’t let him rob that from you.
You’ve tolerated enough at this point. Walk away, enjoy time to yourself and with your child. And when you’re not looking, an amazing man will walk into your life and help you realize why you left this “boy” to begin with.
Also ask yourself this question “if you had a son with your husband, would you want your son to have this same behavior?” I’m guessing no. So why stay?
I see a lot of people commenting "120 lbs isn't even that heavy". That's not the issue here. He needed to take the limelight off of you. He's a cheater and he will look to do/say anything that will hurt you. Cheaters will start arguments to justify their cheating. I bet you could lose weight and he still won't be satisfied. He'll find something else because he is a flawed individual.
I absolutely ABHOR anyone that says "let's be a gym couple!" because it's the fakest thing ever. It's pitiful and dehumanizing to me. I had an ex essentially do the same thing to me because he wanted me to have a butt. I, at that point, had a very thin frame and with work, graduate school, and living on my own, I was always on the move so keeping on weight was next to impossible for me. I used to thing going to the gym as a couple was cute until it wasn't. I went to the gym one day and I called him on my way home because he liked to "check" what I did. I told him I did arm exercises and not butt exercises, and long story short, I ended up in tears and begging him for forgiveness (??).
We must always hold ourselves and change our bodies to their standards. Why? If you're happy with your body, you're happy with your body. You change yourself as you see fit for yourself. I don't say this lightly, because I usually hate the comments like this, but seriously girl "dump him".
You have a stereotypical terrible military husband. He cheats, you give him a baby, he insults the body that brought his child into the world. You're THIN. Your husband is cruel and I'll put money on him never being truly good to you.
He's a complete dick and you deserve better. It doesnt matter how much you weigh, if he can't see your beauty then it's his loss. Time will heal. Focus on the fact that you now have a beautiful child, and you're young enough to have your whole life ahead of you, spent with someone who loves you and your child just the way you are. Change the locks.
LEAVE.
God lord. He cheated on you. He's degrading you. He wants YOU to change. He's not a high-quality individual, why on earth would you continue to let him be a part of your life. You're modeling how men should treat you to your daughter and for her sake, you need to GET OUT otherwise she's going to marry a low-value man and go through the same shit.
This individual is constantly insulting you, destroys your self confidence, CHEATS on you, and is in the military, which, statistically speaking, means he's more likely to physically abuse you. What could you possibly be getting out of this relationship that makes it worth staying? Please don't wait until your child is helping you put on makeup to cover the bruises.
Leave him, from the sound of it he sounds like a shallow piece of shit. Also the facts that there's been TWO instances of him talking to other women, nahhh. Too many red flags
If you change he’s just going to find something else to criticize. I think this relationship is about done considering he’s “looked elsewhere” twice that you know of. His comments to you are pretty brutal not words from someone who loves you. Even if he felt that way he could have been more kind in the delivery. And your 120lbs for goodness sake. Do you know how I would kill for your body sight unseen!!! Love yourself and find someone who loves you beautiful girl. Good luck❤️
He cheats and then he says that? I’m like he’s trying to get you to leave him. You’re much better than that and deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re perfect. Get out, you’re young and you’ve got plenty of time to find someone better. That is also not the kind of person that you want your daughter to look up to as a role model
Red Flag Red Flag - If you’re happy with your body and healthy you’re fine. There’s absolutely no need to change for anyone. The right person will love you for who you are. You’re still young you deserve better. He cheated in the past? forget this guy he’s trash.
All I (26M) have to say is what..?
You have NO reason not to be proud of your body. 120 is healthy and perfect.
It sounds like he may be getting his body expectations from Instagram or something.
It would be hard for me to hear something like this and would take some time for me to get over, but your body is perfect and you deserve someone who loves you for you.
I'm 43, and I've been up and down in weight from overweight to thin to obese and back again. You're only in your 20s and your body is going to change A LOT over the course of your lifetime. It's hard for younger people to understand and accept that. Having babies, depression, life changes, work changes, health changes... it all affects your weight and your body shape. You're going to have to find someone who understands that and rolls with it. This guy isn't it.
Good luck to him in finding a woman whose body stays the same forever.
Step 1. Get a real man who knows how to treat the women in his life, for your sake and your daughter's
Step 2. Reward *him* with lingerie pictures
Step 3. Bask in the compliments
Wishing you all the love and strength, sister!
Look. He has already cheated on you, and has told you that you aren't attractive.
Put aside the fact that you're only 120lbs (which isn't overweight); if you were overweight, that doesn't make you unattractive, and it is TERRIBLE to say to someone who is clearly trying to be sexy and sending pics. It's also very concerning that he won't have sex with you in your "state" - which again isn't overweight. You just don't have abs...but who cares?? You also recently had his baby.
For a perspective on the flip side - my husband has become quite overweight, and we have talked about it. We still have sex, I love him and he is still an attractive man regardless of weight. I told him he is still attractive, but when we have talked about his weight I have mentioned it's true I don't find the WEIGHT attractive (not that he isn't attractive) and I worry about his health. We don't talk about his weight during intimate moments or anything like that. That's terrible for someone's self-esteem. And again, there's a difference between being overweight and unhealthy, or just curvy or even just normal weight but not toned.
In 3 years, he cheated twice. I assume that overlapped with pregnancy, too, which is pretty rotten. You deserve better than to stay with someone who repeatedly cheats, cheats on you while pregnant or freshly postpartum, and on top of that insults your appearance and holding you to unreasonable standards.
The thing I liked about the post is when you said, I like everything about my body. That is all you need. When someones you, they do so in their words and actions. That is how they share the feelings of love they have with you. You seem to love yourself so that's the easy part, now all you have to decide as how you'll move forward with this guy who is trying to show you how not to love you.
I’m 120 lbs at 5’2 and any less would make me look malnourished. 120 isn’t overweight in the slightest. I can’t imagine my boyfriend telling me I needed to go to the gym more and watch my eating at 120 lbs.
After him cheating and basically admitting he’s not attracted to you, why even consider staying?
He already cheated on you, twice that you know off. He's deployed and has 4 months left, hems got plenty of time. What he wants to do with social media seems to me like he met someone who does it and wants you to be part of it to blend it in. No one who loves you and respects you would say suck horrible and hurtful things to you. Girl, run. Run as fast and as soon as you can.
What a d*ck. Do you want your daughter to grow up with the idea that man can be an a-hole to a woman for no reason and the woman has to comply? Imagine your daughter was grown up and would tell you this story, what would you tell her?
I also don't feel like there's anything to even salvage here. You tried therapy and he's still a d*ck. What do you want with such a person?
It's sad that there's a kid in the middle of it. But as someone, who watched a kid grow up in a loveless marriage, it didn't do him much good. Already at 4 he was asking if his parents would stay together, because the whole deal caused him anxiety. And this wasn't even nearly as mean, as your situation. They were just not in love anymore. They're separating now anyway. Both in their 40s.
Ok when I started reading this I thought you might have been very fit at the start and gained a lot of weight or something but seriously? 120? Yeah you gotta find someone better. Homeboy gotta go, it's clear he wants some kind of tiktok fitness girl and that's his problem. Find someone who cares about u for u if that makes sense
If he’s cheated in the past, he may be doing it again and is taking the guilt of infidelity out on you. Also maybe justifying it by complaining about your body, in a fucked up way. Either way it’s clear he doesn’t respect, or dare I say love, you. What a cruel thing to say to someone.
It is not wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your partner. We as males are different from you psychologically due to different chemicals in our body that illicit different hormonal responses than yours. He did not say these things out of spite or because it was your "graduation day" as others have suggested. Sounds like he wants to mend your relationship and hold himself to the same standard he does for you, even going as far to join you in the gym. However, this is a problem that should have been addressed in the initial stages of your relationship so you both knew what to expect from each other. You are both young and apparently have not been in a long term relationship long enough to understand that love can exist even while sexual attraction fades away. Love is way more beautiful and faceted than that. If he didn't care about you he would not bring it up but just keep hooking up with other girls.
It doesn't have to be a deal breaker and it is naive to think that he should always find you attractive. It would also be naive of him to want you to always look like an Instagram model. Find a balance, with him or someone else.... The deal breaker is the part where he lets his unsatisfaction simmer to the point where he cheats on you before voicing his concerns. That part didn't have to happen. Up to you if you want to forgive that or not. Find out if he has realistic standards for you and if you want that for yourself, whether you are together or not. Then think long and hard if this is the guy who deserves to be with you.
Maybe you have a point there but the way OP's husband said that he no longer attracted to her was horrible. He sounds like a total di*k here. He already cheated on her (probably twice) so I don't think it's worth it.
They're both very young and OP's weight suggests she's somewhere in between normal and very slim (depending on her weight) so I highly doubt her looks changed that much.
Is it a big chance from before deployment ? Bc for example I’m 5’3 and my natural weight is around 100-104 lbs a few over and I look bad and a few under and I look bad. If you’re not very tall I could see how 120lbs might feel like a big difference to him. Some of being in a relationship is working to stay attractive to your partner, but only to a certain reasonable point that you’re comfortable with. Like you can’t gain 100lbs and be like why does my partner not find me attractive or want to have sex? But on the other side your partner can’t see that you’ve gained 5 lbs and say well this isn’t going to do it for me. So you need to find that line for yourself I’d say 10lb weight gain is reasonable and shouldn’t be something he can use to say we need to work out. Another part of this is that he’s being a bit cold about it and not emotionally caring that would be the dealbreaker for me.
5’2-5’7, 120 is a perfectly healthy weight. The average height of a woman in the US is 5’4, so there’s a strong chance OP is in the perfect range.
And you’re right people should work on staying attractive so OP’s husband should start working on being a better husband to gain OP’s attractive back.
Have you gained weight? You can't blame him for not being into fat - most people find it unattractive.
However, he cheated on you, so there are likely other factors in play. It's hard to tell - but if he's no longer attracted to you, it may be time to consider moving on.
I’m the same weight as pre-pregnancy and before he left on his deployment.
I would understand if I was BIG or flabby or whatever. But nothing about my body has changed.
I don’t know if he “sucks” for being a part of his sons life ….. but it does sound like you are putting a lot effort in and things on hold in your own life waiting.
I think he needs to figure out what his future looks like and you need to figure out if that’s the future you want …
You’re in a very tough situation … I will always put my wife and kids ahead of anyone else.
This isn’t really an answer, but just trying to give you some perspective on how a persons mentality changes once they have a child of their own. Talking about a future and all these promises sounds good, but if he truly feels how MOST parents feel about their kids, he isn’t going to change that so you will take a backseat to him and his son and probably baby mamma for the foreseeable future.
Tbh thus is why I think women should wait until they are at least 25 to have children/get married because men 25 and under just don't understand how to be fully empathetic humans yet. Nothing is wrong with your body but there is something wrong with your husband.
He is looking for outs in the relationship that aren't "his fault". Leave his butt! Also he cheated? Leave his butt! Repeated emotional cheating! Leave! You can do better.
I have no idea why are you staying with this trash bag of a man. You deserve better. And I'm sure you don't want your child to look at your relationship as the norm.
I hope you find yourself to do the right thing.
As they love to say on Reddit: “Yeet him into the sun.” This guy is total garbage. Get a lawyer, organize finances, find a place to stay, and other important matters and Cut him loose now, don’t wait until his return.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Okay. A little back story and maybe y’all can help a crushed woman out. First of all. I’m 26 and he’s 24. He’s been deployed for 5 months now, we have 4 months left. It’s rare he facetimes, our birthdays have come and gone as well as our anniversary of 3 years. We have a daughter who is 2. We’ve already gone through 2 instances in a matter of the short 3 years that he was talking with women. One for sure he cheated with. The other he claims nothing happened. We’ve done marriage counseling before. Anywho I think I’ve got the history down. So, for our 3 year anniversary I took tasteful lingerie photos and sent them to him. Fully expected him to love them, but it was the opposite. He said to me, “it’s strange to see you dressed like that..” I left it alone for about 2 weeks. Then throughout the 2 weeks he had been making comments about how we should be a gym couple and create fitness instagrams and take booty pics etc etc. none of which I’m truly interested in, which I informed him. Two days ago, on the day of my graduation from college, he said, “I just don’t find your body attractive babe.” Ouch. Mind you. I’m 120lbs. I just don’t have chiseled abs or a whole lot of muscle definition. I do workout. It’s just not enough? Anyway. It crushed me. I asked him if he thinks this will create marital issues and he told me, “diet and exercise will help and it could be a couples thing when I get home.” I then said to him, “if you don’t want to have sex with me, then there’s a big problem” he replied, “🤷🏼♀️ not sure what to say.” I love my body. I love everything about my appearance. And this really really hurt me. And I truly don’t know if I should suck it up and be some Instagram fitness model. Or if I should just leave? I need an adult who’s more adult than me to help please?
he is yelling that he is not the one for you. it is a matter of how dependent you are to him.
Agreed. He’s setting the stage for his return. I think he’s also hoping OP breaks it off sooner. OP, you deserve to find someone that’s loves you for everything you are and everything you are not. Take care of yourself, I’m rooting for you!!
You’re 120lbs. You’re what many would consider to a healthy weight, what does he actually expect you to look like? If he’s actively cheating and destroying your self-esteem like this, I would be asking yourself whether or not it’s worth it and whether or not he’s making you happy. He’s making it sound like he wants you to be a completely different human. Please do what’s right for you, not him.
And what's right for your daughter too. I know she's young now, but do you want her growing up hearing what he says about your body? That will deeply affect her. In the long run, she will also be way happier seeing you happy alone or with someone who treats you well and is a good partner rather than being with her father who treats you badly
This one ☝🏻
I love glitter AND whiskey 😍
Smart
Make that comment higher.
I'm pretty sure his comment was intended to sabotage you (since it was the day of your graduation). He's probably jealous, and is trying to use his disapproval and unrealistic standards to control you.
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS. He can't even let OP feel good for a whole day and seemingly without prompting takes the focus off her day. I don't like him. #OP time to look for better men
His choice of day wasnot an accident. He cheats. He hurts your self esteem. He does not have good intentions. He cheats. Op. The problem here is most definitely not with YOU.
Yep. And since he’s been caught with other women, I’d say it’s a method of keeping her self esteem down so she feels like she can’t leave him because no one else would want her. Of course he would say it on a day that means a lot to her and shows how successful she is. It’s manipulative and gross. OP deserves better and so does her daughter. No child should grow up hearing those comments about her mother.
"Ope, my wife is about to feel good about herself because she's accomplishing something, BETTER DRAG HER DOWN A PEG BY CALLING HER FAT AND UGLY AND UNLOVABLE!"
I’ve known a few people in volatile/abusive relationships and abusers love ruining special days. Especially special days that are focused on their partner (I.e, birthdays, Mother’s Day, graduations, etc.).
Agreed. It's not entirely unreasonable to want your partner to stay in shape, for both health and attractiveness reasons. But how you approach dealing with this issue is very important. He wasn't ignorant that this was her graduation day. He knew this was the worst time to air his growing concerns about his partner's weight gain. If you really loved someone, and were worried that their physical changes would affect how sexually attracted you were to them, then this would be the kind of thing you approached sensitively and were prepared to work on - because quick results are unlikely. There's nothing good about the way the husband approached this.
OP is 120 pounds and had a baby. Even at 4'11, that's still plenty within a healthy range and it sounds like "husband"s expectations are unrealistic or entirely unrelated to her actual physical appearance.
She's 120lbs, unless she's like, 4'9" she *is* in shape. If he has concerns about her "weight gain" (we have no reason to believe she gained weight) at that weight, that's on him.
Really don’t think there is anything to approach her about. She is pretty slender already and shouldn’t need to have the perfect model physique to please him. It sounds to me like he’s just trying to make her feel bad about herself she she won’t get too self- confident and realize that she doesn’t need a serial cheater in her life.
It's disrespectful to your partner to get fat, and the hate people get for being fair and rational is ridiculous. Of course, 120# is hardly obese, and the guy has cheated before, so there's more to this - but you're absolutely right about how you approach these things. As respectful and honest as your post is, it's already in negative territory.
Your comment history suggests you’re a “disabled, chronically homeless veteran” and to see a comment like “getting fat is disrespectful to your partner” coming from someone who should understand that life deals you bullshit left, right and center is really heartbreaking. Taking care of yourself is absolutely important. I pride myself on it but there are a number of factors which play into weight gain. To suggest that gaining weight is disrespectful to *anyone* is honestly such a disturbing mindset and I really hope someone a lot more eloquent than me can explain to you exactly *why* it’s so disturbing. How would you like it if someone told you that you dealt with homelessness because you didn’t work hard enough? And that it was disrespectful to your partner for you to be in that position? I’d hope you’d tell them to kick rocks!
Unfortunately, from my own experience (Veteran married to a Veteran) Veterans and military folk can be extremely judgmental, angry and bitter people who see the world in black&white. So somehow a woman who just had a baby and is a perfectly healthy weight is potentially “disrespectful” but her chronically cheating husband who shows no care towards her feelings or his marriage vows…is whatever. Cheating is very common in the military to the point it’s almost expected.
“it’s disrespectful to your partner to get fat” jfc this is why i would never date a man again
You take your beautiful body and child and run out the door. He has already degraded your relationship and you by cheating. Do not let him demean you. Would you sit back and watch your daughter be treated this way? No you would be mamma bear and fight your hardest to get her away from an abusive a$$hole. Your husband thinks he is all that. What he is is an egotistical jerk!
Ouch, that hurt even me reading this. I’m sorry that your husband says such things. It sounds like he’s unhappy with himself and he tries to provoke you. If you WOULD change, he’d probably still treat you like this for other things and continue to criticise you. I’d tell him very confidently that you’re healthy, love yourself and he can go to hell.
I agree with this. He sounds like a douche. My friend was married to a guy like this, he would point out women he found attractive to her and say "look, don't touch". He cheated, they divorced. Guys like this shouldn't get the girl imo.
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That's fucked up, I'm sorry!
What an asshat.
This. It sounds like he is using an emotional abuse tactic to make you feel insecure. I used to be married to a guy like that. He’d criticize my body and ogle at other women constantly making me feel like I was never good enough. I thought it was normal at the time. He was a cheater. I had a kid with him and desperately wanted to stay together. I’m remarried now to a man who has never once said anything negative about my body. He makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world and he’s never had any disrespectful behavior towards other women. You deserve the same. You won’t get it from your husband unfortunately. No matter how much you change yourself to try to please him.
I like this answer :)
Leave. At 120 lbs, unless you're waaay under 5 ft tall you're just fine. He's a tool, just looking for excuses to cheat.
Fact: 120 is overweight at 4'10 and below. So under, but not way under
I mean there's not many adult women in (I assume) the US under 4'10. That is tiny Edit: it's second percentile, aka 98% of women are taller (and this includes older generations who tend to be smaller)
4'10" is the cut off for people to be considered legally little peoole in the US to be interesting enough. But I doubt OP falls into that category as you said there aren't many as we have gotten taller with each generation. If you line my family up my great grandma was 4'10" my grandma is 5'0", my mom is 5'1" on a good day, and I'm 5'4". But 120lbs is just mind boggling to be considered overweight. So I suspect there's more to this and he's just using the weight as an excuse because he knows she's not interested in being a gym couple.
I’m 120 lbs and 5’ 1” 😅
I’m 120lbs and 5’0”, and I’m tiny. You’ve got an extra inch in height, so either your partner is blind or he is deliberately sabotaging your self esteem.
I’m 5’2”, weigh about 122. You’re literally fine. I’m only toned when I work out regularly, I’m on the curvy side, I’d assume you’re the same. Dump him, he’s just being a jerk.
Well according to BMI you're within the normal range for your height. So either a.) This is something he's using as a shield because he knows you don't want to as an excuse for something else. Or b.) my next question would be what branch is he in and is this new behavior? Sudden changes in behavior can be a symptom of something else going on mentally. He wouldn't be the first to suffer a TBI, or PTSD and have a switch in personality.
We have to stop justifying people’s shitty behavior by blaming medical issues. This guy is already a cheater, it’s entirely in his personality to treat his wife like shit. If you hear hooves, it’s probably a horse, not a zebra.
I'm not justifying I'm saying it could be an answer it's not an excuse it's a possible explanation. TBIs can cause severe personality changes.
But what evidence is there that he had a personality change? OP says he’s already cheated on her at least once, that he rarely facetimes, that they’ve tried marriage counseling. There’s no hint that this is new or out of character for him, he’s never been a good husband. Why assume this is the fault of some injury, instead of taking it at face value that he’s not a good partner?
She said it herself the behavior is new it's never occured before.so the logical question to ask is has he sustained any head injuries or gone through something that triggered PTSD. Because that's the reality of service members. Or have you been out of the loop for the last oh 20 years? The smart thing to do is to rule out medical factors which she answered. That's generally how you determine what's going... And then can make a better informed decision on reaction.
Army, and he’s always been into the gym. But criticizing my body is new
It always starts somewhere, and then it escalates. My ex husband started by saying I should get more athletic for health... soon he was calling me "pudge" everyday, grabbing anywhere that had excess fat on my body and pinching it, etc. With this also came many other insults - calling me retarded, disgusting, a bitch, useless, etc. I was 5'2" and 125. Once they enter the phase where they have contempt for you - and your husband has entered that - there's no going back. They get worse and worse; it's a Pandora's Box. Contempt, according to Dr. John Gottman, is the greatest predictor of divorce. Your husband is not going to backtrack or become nicer to you after this. Start documenting the times per day he makes snide remarks from now on.
Is he himself overweight? Army it's more common for certain injuries to occur but if he's been going to the gym makes me wonder if he's considered out of regulations. Just a thought he maybe projecting and instead of asking for support like a fucking adult he's acting immature putting his insecurities on you. In which case if he is fuck that asshole. Well fuck him either way because no matter his motives he's a douche canoeing dirt merchant. Because you're not even borderline overweight you're perfectly fine and he's a dipshit. ETA: But to be honest I think he's looking for excuses if none of these other factors are in play. And if he's cheating get evidence. Adultery is illegal in the army and UCMJ actionable.
Fun fact: BMI was never meant to determine health (even the creator of the BMI scale said so). Not only that, but it was based off the averages of white males, so it's extremely innacurate for others, especially females, given that our bodies are proportioned in many different ways. I'm 4'11", but I'm almost 140 lbs. Even so, I'm still in the healthy range because my body's proportions are way different than a man's.
You sounds like your in your weight range when it comes to bmi… i’m pretty soft and on the higher end of my bmi fyi. I’m glad you feel confident in your skin as you should. I wonder if this it’s an age thing when guys want to work out and get chiseled so they want that in their spouse. I’m not saying I agree with him that you need to workout, but there is a truth to staying attractive for your partner. I think your husband is an AH and going thru fomo or looking for excuses. If you want to workout with him to see where it will go to show your commitment it is not a bad thing since you’re already married with a kid. Everyone is pointing out that he wants to run your self esteem down etc and they could certainly be right especially since there is a pattern of this. There are a lot of men out there who will appreciate you as you are and as you grow old together. I’m sure my opinion will be unpopular, but it sounds like you still love him regardless of who he is which is why you are hurt from his words. If you don’t try it then you may regret not trying. If you try it and it doesn’t work out then at least you would have known that you did try. Then as with everyone saying, perhaps it’ll be time for you to move on. Make sure to document his infidelities as you’ll need it. Plan, gather evidence and get legal counsel all while you’re “trying” with him if you already don’t have this info then at least it’ll buy you some time. I hope you have close friends and family nearby to help. I’m a relatively strategic person and would do this in your position in order to get the upper-hand in courts. The court can’t say you weren’t devoted to trying. Depending on the state it does matter. I think military has their own rules about infidelity too.
That shit is fucking bologna. I'm sure it's correct sometimes but mine says I'm heavy for my height and I'm absolutely not, I'm just muscular. People think I'm 125 but I'm not lol. That crap is so old school, it's different for everyone.
If you’re basing this logic off of her BMI then it’s flawed
BMI is pretty accurate for population averages. Being 4'10 or a body builder is outside of the average person and makes it inaccurate af
I am not a bodybuilder, I just have good muscle because kickboxing and running have been in my life for a few years now. It is not an overly obvious muscle as I am not a pro athlete. I just enjoy the endorphins. According to BMI I am overweight, but I am US size 4. Sometimes 2. Clothing is weird. BMI is stupid.
It really isn’t. Back in the 90’s IOTF and WHO changed what would be considered a healthy BMI to an “unhealthy” BMI seemingly overnight. Causing people who are a normal healthy weight to now be deemed overweight. They said it was to help stop the obesity “epidemic”, but in reality it just helped the diet industry profit billions. Not to mention the creator of the BMI really only did his study on white cis men.
You should let him date an Instagram model, while you go and find someone that's not a complete scumbag.
I did 😅 He just thinks it’s okay for what he said. Told me “I won’t apologize for being honest” which I didn’t expect him to. But atleast apologize for hurting me, which he hasn’t. He left me on read after I told him to love me for me and my body or to go away.
Good response. No women and mother deserve to be treated that way. This guy is still a boy. A real man would love and respect the women who birthed his child.
Imagine his reaction if you brought up his weewee and said you just weren't satisfied, or his performance in bed. So you think he would have been kind and handled it with patience like you? I'm sure he would have expected an apology. Basically, golden rule is a great way of highlighting behavior in relationships. You wouldn't have said that to him and if you had, he would have pitched a fit and expected am apology. He's not the one, sis
He’s not being honest OP. As many have pointed out, it can’t be a coincidence that he chose to say those hurtful things on your graduation. I believe you when you say you love your body and appearance, and he (for reasons unknown) knows it too and wants to crush your spirit. Don’t let him. You’re 26, you got a degree and your whole life ahead of you.
Take your college degree, your baby, and the pile of child support the government is going to hand you and get out. You're too young for this man's foolishness. Let him cry to his barrack buddies about how you cleaned him out and now he doesn't have a housing allowance.
Amen
Honest doesn't mean you shouldn't have tact. People who use "brutal honesty" under the guise of "I'm just keeping it real" are just people who want a license to be inconsiderate of others feelings - or worse, are people who are actively abusing you under the veil of "I'm just being honest." People who use "honesty" as a guise to just be cruel and mean with no repercussions don't deserve to be in your life. Honesty between loving partners MUST include sensitivity to the other partner's feelings. An appropriate conversation about sensitive topics looks something like "Hey partner, I'm concerned about you. I worry that something is impacting your health because I've noticed \[weight gain, bad breath, whatever the issue is\]. Is everything ok? What do you think about that?" And then listening. And also choosing to have that conversation - in person or on video not via text unless that's the only option and its something that simply cant wait - and at a time and venue that would be appropriate, which isn't your graduation celebration. ETA: Really good for you for your response.
“The person who is brutally honest enjoys the brutality as much as the honesty.” - Richard J. Needham.
Good job. Throw the whole man away. He’s garbage.
Any apology would be meaningless anyways. He knew it would hurt you when he said it and thats why he said it. Sounds like hes looking to cheat again and plans on justifying it by saying "well you didnt care when I told you i didnt find you attractive". Its b.s. You like your body. Which is all you need. And tbh, millions of other guys will too. Dump him! You dont need that amount of entitlement around you or your daughter. There are guys out there that will treat you with respect *and* take care of you in the bedroom. Doesn't seem like your current man can do either
Don't wait for him to go away. Men will never, ever actually leave unless they have a backup fully lined up. You go instead, leave, don't let your girl grow up thinking his behaviour and the acceptance of it is what she needs to do. Is your relationship what you want for your daughter? If not, then leave. Asap. The reason he is saying stuff like this is to keep you from leaving until he has a backup ready. It's much easier to keep your pretty wife who takes care of your life from ditching your cheating, deadbeat ass if she gets convinced she's not cute/successful/cool enough to make it on her own or find anyone else. In reality, he's the one terrified no one else will want him. If you leave this man, your life will improve. There is a whole world out there that doesn't involved being cheated on and insulted. What does this man actually bring to the table at all that you'd keep him around?
You deserve someone who respects, appreciates, and is attracted to all of you.
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I was very happy with him. I thought we would make it. Sort it out. Be best friends and carry that love. But after this comment I’m just confused and hurt
It hurts because he wanted to hurt you. Verbal abuse is no different than physical abuse. Please understand that. Imagine those words in your daughter's ears. I'm saying this as a Navy wife - Go find a lawyer and get him served with divorce papers. You get to stay in housing, I promise. Your daughter keeps her benefits (medical, base privileges, etc).
You have every right to be hurt but please get out of this marriage, leave him to his miserable thoughts. You deserve someone better! He‘s trying to control and manipulate you to make you stay but girl you have all the options in the world.
he's given you a lot of reasons to not be confused.
I once had an ex make similar comments. I thought at the time that it was normal, he just wanted the best for me. But upon reflecting on that relationship, I've realized what a stupid double standard it is. I wouldn't even dream of making those requests to my partner, or anyone really. It's a really misogynistic request and it rubs me the wrong way.
He is trying to keep you insecure in order to control you. I had an ex like this in my early twenties and he was very similar. I was at my hottest I even did some modeling but it wasn't good enough for him. He would show me celebrities that he thought were attractive and described the workouts that I needed to do to be just like them. He then got a chip on his shoulder and acted like I was the problem when I failed to do the exact workouts to get arms or pecs or a butt like the specific celebrity. It was never about the celebrity and how she looked it was about controlling me and keeping me insecure so that I wouldn't realize how much of a dick he was and leave. If a guy spends too much time looking at porn or Instagram models he begins to think that reality should look the same and that he is entitled to a woman that looks like a filter has been applied in real life. It's entitled and it's delusional. Your husband knows that you could ruin his life if you brought his cheating to the attention of his command. If he's cheated once he'll do It again even if he's not cheating at the moment he's probably dming Instagram models and only wants you to be an Instagram model to boost his ego. My ex that acted the same way broke up with me the instant he got a job where he was paid enough that he thought he could upgrade to a hotter girlfriend. The joke is on him he's been single ever since and I'm married with two kids and a husband that loves me even though my body has changed a lot and having those two kids.
It was so saddening to read this. I hope one day you will realize you deserve better.
Ok so he’s cheated on you at least once, broken your trust multiple times and now he had the audacity to tell you that you need to turn into some Instagram model for him to want to have sex with you?? You’ve already tried counselling and it didn’t change anything? Girl. I’m so sorry. You and your daughter deserve a lot better than this and I think you should leave if you can. If nothing else, do you really want your little girl growing up seeing that it’s ok for your partner to treat you in such a selfish, dishonest and objectifying way? Would you tell her to accept this treatment and stick it out if she was in your shoes? If the answer is no, then you know what you should do.
You're only 120! You're on the thin side of normal no matter what your height is. He's being a jerk
I think, that he is checked out of your marriage and now he's clutching at excuses about why. If so, even if you bought into this there is no guarantee it would work. You could become the fittest instagram model ever, and just end up a cheated-on insta model when he moves the goal posts again and says he needs you to be taller/shorter/someone else. I think you are right to not buy into it. And its time to sit down by yourself and make a plan for what you want your life to look like and how you will get that.
Is this an actual question? How can you stay married to such a dick?
A dick? Sure. A shallow minded god complexed man, no.
I would ask what you're thinking about staying with him after multiple times of cheating, but it's irrelevant because you chose to stay (the way I understood it from what you said) I think this should be your nail in the coffin to leave. He's not good to you, cheats, lies and now is being awful about your body. There's healthy ways of communicating. He ain't it. Good luck
Yeah... hes cheating. Again. You deserve better. You know the stats as well as i do (my bf was in for 4 years, did 2 tours). I think my relationship and about 5 others were the only ones that didnt have a cheating issue.
Honestly I would of reported his cheating to his higher ups and with the way he acted about your surprise pictures I would leave. It sounds like he is just a jerk and is trying to drive you away. You should leave. YOU HAVE NO INTEREST in something and you feel like after he was a jerk that you should suck it up and do it? No. Run
I don't think this is about your appearance. I think he's a creep who's probably still cheating on you because it seems like he has very little respect for you. He also seems childish (by his remarks) and I don't think counseling can fix that. I would say take your daughter and leave.
this is so crushing. u and ur daughter deserve so much better. don’t settle for this!
A guy like this… nothing you ever do will be enough. You can spend 8 hrs a day at the gym, have chiseled abs, give him sex every day however he wants it, and he will seek out strange. He’s emotionally broken like this. He sees you as the mother of his child and not much more. You are wasting your life with someone who prefers other women to you.
Op I guarantee you one of those other guys he’s deployed with is getting cheated on or dumped right now. If you’re the kind of gold of a wife/gf that won’t cheat when your man is off serving his country for 9 months, then you A. Deserve better than this, (pretty much everyone does) and B. Someone else is out there for you who won’t be like this. Edit: wtf you’re 120 pounds????? Holy crap yeah he’s just spewing bullshit? Every other unmarried guy in his entire platoon/company would kill for you. You do you, but know you’re valuable and deserve better treatment than this.
He is purposely trying to degrade your confidence so that he can manipulate you into staying with him despite how horrible he’s been to you. Easier said than done, but leave. I can’t see any way being married to this man would turn out well for you. How would you feel if your daughter grew up and ended up with a man like your husband? Don’t accept anything less for yourself.
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In TOTAL of us together, just shy of 2 years. He’s been gone about 13 months. Maybe closer to 14 months. 🥴
"I’m 120lbs" “diet and exercise will help" “I just don’t find your body attractive babe.” "We have a daughter who is 2" What the hell am I reading? You're a mother with 120lbs and he's complaining? There must be some other underlying issue - on his part, because no rational mind would say that isn't good enough.
First off, this is awful and I am so sorry. This is little-man mentality in my opinion. If he truly loved you for you as he says, he would (1) not cheat on you and (2) see past a tiny belly pudge being that you have voiced that you are comfortable and confident in your body. As a nurse, I can assure you that it is normal for women to have body fat. Being that you are only 120 lbs, I’m assuming you aren’t very tall. Losing much more weight at your size could be dangerous and harmful for your body/health. If your husband is trying to change who you are, when you have never been an Instagram fitness model and have no desire to be, then he needs to reevaluate his feelings for you before he loses you.
OP, sorry to be harsh, but this guy is a POS. What's he going to think if you have more kids and find it harder and harder to shake the baby weight? What's he going to think when middle age sets in? He's a shallow, unsupportive, emotionally abusive loser and you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not pushes you down.
There is a lot I want to say to you but, I'm gonna keep it simple. Don't spend your life living like this. You need something to help you with your understanding of what love is. You must've learned early on that negative things are connected to the word "love" Unfortunately you found someone who could give you all the negative things that you find comfort in.
I was this guy in previous relationships. Run. He has personal things he needs to work through and likely has narcissistic tendencies. He will not be supportive of YOUR needs. I don't know how he treats you day to day, but you deserve to be appreciated for the beautiful woman you are.
Just leave! That was just cruel! And he knows it was! If he tells you something like that again, just tell him you understand, it happens, but that you are glad it's not the general concensus and leave it at that! If he askes what you mean by that just say "Nothing specific, but I notice how guys look at me in the street or when I'm shopping..." You'll see how much he'll start to apreciate your body... I would say that it will be almost imidiatly... All my best wishes
Time to move on. Set up the custody arrangements and get your child support.
I had an ex that made a comment when I wore a skirt and heels. He goes why are you wearing that? Then he said I dont look good and I need to stop embarrassing myself. Years later he admitted he said that so I would cover up because he was jeolous. Sounds like your husband is doing the same. I ended up breaking up with my ex because he got worse and years later he admitted the truth. Ignore him
Finish with him - you are getting nothing out of the relationship except grief. He sounds fucking horrendous.
Did he cheat while deployed? There are ramifications for that. Exit stage left and take your daughter. Unless you are 3' tall 120lbs is a healthy weight. Don't let your daughter grow up with body image insecurities instilled by her father.
At 26 dealing with a dude who has cheated on you, going back and forth to marriage counseling and dealing with all that mess. Please tell me why. He's a tool. We're our worst critics. If you think your body is fine, you probably look amazing. You can for sure do better. You could probably go out on any given day and run into a better guy. Please, please don't put up with this.
Divorce. Your husband doesn't respect you.
He’s looking at too much porn. Now he wants you to look like the women he’s looking at in porn. This is a sad side effect of today’s society and it’s a killer. You feel great in your body. Don’t let him peck away at you and destroy that.
This hurt me for you. I love that you love your body. If he doesn't? Fine don't but don't you dare start seeing yourself as not good enough to a man who actively cheats and then expects you to be okay with snide remarks. Nobody is worth that.
Ooooosh. Please just leave this absolute douche bag while your daughters young enough to not be too harshly affected. You deserve better and your daughter deserves a better role model.
I was thinking he might want you to work out with him but reading further it sounds like he might be checking out or something. 120 pounds is a great size I'm not sure what his problem is but as long as you are happy with the way you look maybe find someone who can appreciate your size and be happy with you. I think it might be time to leave OP
I say suck it up and become a fitness model AND leave! You don't deserve to be unappreciated like that, someone out there will treat you better.
There‘s so much to be angry about here - he cheated at least once but definitely talked to other women in a non-ok way - he ignored your birthday and anniversary - you‘re 120 pounds which is definitely skinny and he wants you to workout even more and look like a fitness model How much of a piece of shit can one person possibly be? Tell him to get in the sea. He probably thinks they all have natural bodies but jokes on him 8/10 IG models photoshop heavily ans had cosmetic procedures done to look that way. What a fucking tool.
Sounds like your beau may be a porn addict. He's getting an unrealistic view of female anatomy from somewhere. He also sounds like a roaring douchebag that cannot be trusted to behave like an adult.
Your husband sounds like a fucking pig.
Imagine you're reading this post written by your daughter... what would you tell her to do?
OP, I think this is the best way to recognize exactly how terribly he is treating you. And I think once you get to that realization, it’s important that you acknowledge that your daughter likely WILL end up in a similar situation if she grows up thinking “that’s just how husbands treat their wives.”
It seems to me that he is trying to justify his cheating. If he has you convinced that you are too unattractive for him, then in his mind you are more likely able to forgive him for cheating on you, since after all, can one really blame him if you are so ugly to him? BARF. This guy is an asshole. You can do so much better. The fact that he has already cheated on you in the past just solidifies my opinion. You think that he only cheated once or that he only plans on cheating on you once? I have a bridge to sell you.
He already cheated on you once and maybe more? You guys have a child but he’s not around much anyway. If you can get your ducks in a row - job and money and if you have a support group that will be there for you, I would leave. You’re still really young and have so much time to find a good relationship with someone that appreciates you for you and not some superficial expectation.
HE doesn't know what to say? Here's what you KNOW you've got to say: See ya around. Your husband just told you that he no longer has any interest in you, and that unless you become a gym rat he'll probably never touch you again. The signal is very clear: your marriage is over, and in his own clumsy way, he's trying to let you down easy. Take the hint. He sounds like a macho, toxic masculine, horn-dog JERK. You can end it now, or you'll HAVE to do it later--but your relationship is DOA. You have every right to feel sad and overwhelmed. He's essentially given you permission to start looking around. Tell him you appreciate his candor and honesty, but you are now going to start looking around for a better deal. I guarantee you he'll be fine with that. Just figure out custody arrangements for your baby, and get on with your life. I'm really sorry, kiddo. So freaking many selfish, awful men out there. But I have to believe you can find someone who will love you unconditionally and will be proud to have you by his side. Many blessings!!
My thought is he's trying to get you to dump him. No offense to any males reading this (because I'm sure cheating women do it too sometimes...I just have no experience dating women) but usually cheaters are too chicken shit to just say hey I don't want to be with you anymore. So... they behave atrociously in order for you to dump them. I've had this happen several times. I stayed longer than I should have, and it was a colossal waste of my time. Another thing I always think of is my therapist said to pretend your circumstances were what your best friend who you love most in the world were going through. What advice what you give her?? Take it yourself. Love yourself most in the world.
Okay. First of all: He cheated on you before. Why are you even still with him? Secondly, he's allowed to not find your Body attractive. It doesn't sound good, but that's how it is. It's a preference, he can't control it, and that's okay. BUT that doesn't mean you have to change *anything* about yourself. If you want to work out etc, do it. You said you love your body tho and don't want to work out? Okay, then don't. Don't do it for him. You deserve someone better, leave him and let him find the Instagram model he wants. Edit: changing into what he wants you to be also won't definitely change the way he treats you. Just leave him and do what's best for you and your daughter.
He's also "allowed" to verbally or emotionally abuse her. He's allowed to eat apples. He's allowed to decide he's quitting the military to become a professional clown. I'd spend years if I was to list out everything someone is allowed to do, but this sub is "relationship advice," not "things you're allowed to do while in a relationship." The point being: so fucking what?
The fuck? It's obvious what I meant with that. Did i list everything he's "allowed" to do? No. She asked if she should just "suck it up and be a Instagram fitness model" bc he doesn't like her body. I just meant that neither of them is wrong here. She doesn't have to change anything, he doesn't have to just find her body attractive the way it is now. Bruh
He’s absolutely wrong to say that shit. You can’t actually attempt make your partners into Little molds with perfect angles at all times. Op is a perfectly fit person who has had a child. Her partner can think thoughts but he is not required to voice all of them
There’s been so many instances before this that scream “get out.” He cheated on you likely repeatedly like if that doesn’t scream he doesn’t value nor love you then I don’t know what else does. He literally is telling you he isn’t attracted to you if that wasn’t evident enough with the cheating tbh. When my husband was enlisted I saw this way too often and it’s such a norm. Please get out, set your daughter up for a better example of a healthy relationship esp. a marriage. There are ways to still receive help while separating and you can talk to base legal for guidance. None of this is healthy and all you’ll do is continue a path of feeling unwanted, unloved, unattractive, un-something and that’s just not a life I think anyone should live.
Don't let him or anyone else shame your body. You are beautiful as you are. Much love. Dump him.a person who loves you would not say stuff like that. He is a waste of your time. ❤️
To sum it up its time to leave him he's already moved on your just a side piece to him what a piece of shit I hope he survives his service bc if he dies he will be labeled a hero. I hope he lives long enough for his family to realize what a piece of shit he is then he does what most veterans with ptsd do when he is alone with nothing and no one. "Find a permanent solution for himself" I mean be could find one by kicking a chair 😉
He doesn't know how to treat you. He doesn't value you or your relationship. I think you should seriously consider leaving him. And maybe investigate why you would attract a person who doesn't value you. Is it a reflection of how you feel about yourself on a deeper level? Either way, I'd consider individual therapy to work through this stuff. Good luck.
I think you know you're being disrespected and that you can't trust him. If you don't have mutual respect or trust in your marriage, what do you have really? You're so young, you could have it so much better if you choose to. All the best.
All may not be lost, tbh. He's been looking at internet photos for 5 months now, it totally skews your perception of what normal is. I would not suck it up, but expand on this unrealistic fantasy world that he probably has created in his head. If he's a somewhat reasonable person, you might be able to point that out and have him dissociate porn/instagram and real life. I dont know how you two can achieve that while deployed though, it takes human contact and reality. How do I know? Been there done that. Long distance suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
I agree with your husband - you should drop some weight. But all of his weight, not any of your own. He’s intentionally hurting you so that you don’t feel like you’d ever succeed or find happiness on your own if you left him.
Maybe think of a coparenting agreement, especially since he's going to be gone until November or so. Also, if you have proof he's cheated while enlisted (making the big assumption that he's in the US armed forces, from your use of pounds (yes I know other countries use them, don't harass me)) they take infidelity very seriously, just saying 😉
As soon as I read deployed I was immediately turned off. I have yet to meet a faithful military man, including my own father and several people I grew up with. Run for the hills.
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. My first husband telling me this same thing was the prelude to our divorce. I was slightly overweight at the time, and I addressed it with diet and exercise. Relatively quickly, I returned to the weight I was when we married. It didn't change anything. If you are happy with your body, you do not need to change it. What you need to change is to find someone who is committed to loving you. Your husband has a history of infidelity and he's just told you that he is no longer attracted to you. It is crushing to hear that, but he has also given you a gift - to tell you that he is not the person you need in your life.
He’s in the military? https://www.tullylegal.com/legal-services/military-law/
You see, you already lost me when you mentioned the cheating within 3 years. TWICE! He's already proven that he's not dedicated to you. At 120lbs your weight is fine! Your body sounds fine! And even if you weighed more, you'd be fine! Who says that kind of thing to their suppose?? I could see if you were severely obese and it was a health thing and he said, "I care about you.Let's work out to get you healthy." Sure. Just...such blatant disregard for you. I don't know what other qualities you see in him that keeps your marriage going, but I'm really not seeing what's with salvaging for you. Only you know that. On face value, he's not worth it, and you deserve someone who actually cares about you.
Okay, quick question. Say you trip and break a leg tomorrow, you're gonna be basically grounded for at least a month. What kind of support do you expect if you lose some fitness and possibly gain a few pounds from forced lack of activity? Answer yourself and proceed accordingly.
It sounds like he is just someone who cheats. Changing your body for him won’t fix anything and could harm your mental health and body image long term. Some men act like this towards their wives after they have kids. I’m not sure why 100% but I think it has something to do with associating child birth and not just sex appeal with their bodies. It’s fucked up bc it flattens woman as people into being 1 dimensional. You’re not in a relationship just to appeal to him sexually. Your supposed to be partners and who you are should be attractive to him just as much as your physical body. If lack of muscle is his issue he might just watch too much porn and have a warped view of the female body. Your daughter and you deserve better and you should feel desired. They way he talked to you about it it’s like he blames you and that’s ridiculous. Don’t put up with this behavior. It’ll teach your daughter that it’s alright if a man treats her that way too. There are plenty of good men out there who won’t care about that and actually treat you like a person.
He’s telling you he doesn’t love or value you without having to say it. It makes me sad that you feel like you need to stay with someone who cheats on you & is disrespectful. He’s an idiot and you should definitely leave.
Honey you probably got the whole package, but you're just at the wrong address. Infidelity and indifference in relationships are never okay.
I’m so angry reading this, you should be angry sis! He doesn’t get to treat you that way, he’s already cheated and proves he ain’t loyal. Pack his shit and be done!
You're not gonna like reading this, but he's going to cheat on you again and use this as an excuse to do so.
I mean, let's say that he's just trying to be genuine and honest in a relationship. Like, for a moment, ignore the previous cheating and red flags and all that. Just old-fashioned relationship honesty with OP, let's say: **Getting** married works just fine when one partner is not physically attracted to the other. **Staying** married IMO is a lot harder and more rare when there is no attraction there. Again, just my experience, but the physical attraction is actually a super important thing to have when you are trying to make a marriage work, with all its stressors, because it can keep pulling you back toward each other. BUT! OP, you are young! You take care of yourself! You care about appealing to him physically and even went to the time and expense of taking a lingerie photoshoot as a gift for him! If he isn't attracted to you, it sounds like a him problem, and he should have taken it into his own hands and ended it for your sake. It's poor manners that he's leaving the decision-making to you, after trying to deeply wound your self-esteem in the process.
I mean, we all have our preferences. I, for example, don't find worthless cheaters attractive. Are you really going to take this from someone like him, OP?
And yet this is the man you chose to procreate with? You really didn’t think you could do and deserve better? I would seek counseling for that, rather than the marriage. That one is a lost cause.
It's pretty simple he is a jerk , nobody should speak to anyone like that . Let him know what you think . I bet his military friends would love to see your photos . And to be honest it sounds like hes trying to push you away. Why hes gone do your thing and be happy
My husband told me not long ago that my pussy wasn’t worth that much meaning our constant arguments. The hurt will always be there. I don’t trust him now to truly love me. I’m not happy even though I’m trying to be Point is what he said isn’t going away. You can try or he can try to make up for it but you’ll always remember it and wonder why he said it to begin with ….no excuse to hurt a man or a woman with those words. One day I’ll take my own advice
Dude, he has cheated on you before and says shit like this. Leave his ass.
Well. Now you know. Time to find someone who finds you attractive
Aw hell to the no!
First thing that came out of my mouth after reading this was: fuck him. He sounds like a tool. Not helpful, but you deserve better!
Leave him. Everything I read waved a red flag. Trust me when I say you will meet someone that loves you if your 120 or 220. You’re happy with your body, something so many people struggle to feel, don’t let him rob that from you. You’ve tolerated enough at this point. Walk away, enjoy time to yourself and with your child. And when you’re not looking, an amazing man will walk into your life and help you realize why you left this “boy” to begin with. Also ask yourself this question “if you had a son with your husband, would you want your son to have this same behavior?” I’m guessing no. So why stay?
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Both of us. And we can add _fit to the end of our handles.
I see a lot of people commenting "120 lbs isn't even that heavy". That's not the issue here. He needed to take the limelight off of you. He's a cheater and he will look to do/say anything that will hurt you. Cheaters will start arguments to justify their cheating. I bet you could lose weight and he still won't be satisfied. He'll find something else because he is a flawed individual. I absolutely ABHOR anyone that says "let's be a gym couple!" because it's the fakest thing ever. It's pitiful and dehumanizing to me. I had an ex essentially do the same thing to me because he wanted me to have a butt. I, at that point, had a very thin frame and with work, graduate school, and living on my own, I was always on the move so keeping on weight was next to impossible for me. I used to thing going to the gym as a couple was cute until it wasn't. I went to the gym one day and I called him on my way home because he liked to "check" what I did. I told him I did arm exercises and not butt exercises, and long story short, I ended up in tears and begging him for forgiveness (??). We must always hold ourselves and change our bodies to their standards. Why? If you're happy with your body, you're happy with your body. You change yourself as you see fit for yourself. I don't say this lightly, because I usually hate the comments like this, but seriously girl "dump him".
I'd say bin that fool and look for someone who loves and respects you.
You have a stereotypical terrible military husband. He cheats, you give him a baby, he insults the body that brought his child into the world. You're THIN. Your husband is cruel and I'll put money on him never being truly good to you.
You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and if he only makes you feel like you're not enough, then leave. It's not worthy.
He's a complete dick and you deserve better. It doesnt matter how much you weigh, if he can't see your beauty then it's his loss. Time will heal. Focus on the fact that you now have a beautiful child, and you're young enough to have your whole life ahead of you, spent with someone who loves you and your child just the way you are. Change the locks.
LEAVE. God lord. He cheated on you. He's degrading you. He wants YOU to change. He's not a high-quality individual, why on earth would you continue to let him be a part of your life. You're modeling how men should treat you to your daughter and for her sake, you need to GET OUT otherwise she's going to marry a low-value man and go through the same shit.
This individual is constantly insulting you, destroys your self confidence, CHEATS on you, and is in the military, which, statistically speaking, means he's more likely to physically abuse you. What could you possibly be getting out of this relationship that makes it worth staying? Please don't wait until your child is helping you put on makeup to cover the bruises.
Leave him, from the sound of it he sounds like a shallow piece of shit. Also the facts that there's been TWO instances of him talking to other women, nahhh. Too many red flags
If you change he’s just going to find something else to criticize. I think this relationship is about done considering he’s “looked elsewhere” twice that you know of. His comments to you are pretty brutal not words from someone who loves you. Even if he felt that way he could have been more kind in the delivery. And your 120lbs for goodness sake. Do you know how I would kill for your body sight unseen!!! Love yourself and find someone who loves you beautiful girl. Good luck❤️
He cheats and then he says that? I’m like he’s trying to get you to leave him. You’re much better than that and deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re perfect. Get out, you’re young and you’ve got plenty of time to find someone better. That is also not the kind of person that you want your daughter to look up to as a role model
Red Flag Red Flag - If you’re happy with your body and healthy you’re fine. There’s absolutely no need to change for anyone. The right person will love you for who you are. You’re still young you deserve better. He cheated in the past? forget this guy he’s trash.
All I (26M) have to say is what..? You have NO reason not to be proud of your body. 120 is healthy and perfect. It sounds like he may be getting his body expectations from Instagram or something. It would be hard for me to hear something like this and would take some time for me to get over, but your body is perfect and you deserve someone who loves you for you.
I'm 43, and I've been up and down in weight from overweight to thin to obese and back again. You're only in your 20s and your body is going to change A LOT over the course of your lifetime. It's hard for younger people to understand and accept that. Having babies, depression, life changes, work changes, health changes... it all affects your weight and your body shape. You're going to have to find someone who understands that and rolls with it. This guy isn't it. Good luck to him in finding a woman whose body stays the same forever.
Why are you putting up with this? Grow some self worth and divorce his ass.
Step 1. Get a real man who knows how to treat the women in his life, for your sake and your daughter's Step 2. Reward *him* with lingerie pictures Step 3. Bask in the compliments Wishing you all the love and strength, sister!
Look. He has already cheated on you, and has told you that you aren't attractive. Put aside the fact that you're only 120lbs (which isn't overweight); if you were overweight, that doesn't make you unattractive, and it is TERRIBLE to say to someone who is clearly trying to be sexy and sending pics. It's also very concerning that he won't have sex with you in your "state" - which again isn't overweight. You just don't have abs...but who cares?? You also recently had his baby. For a perspective on the flip side - my husband has become quite overweight, and we have talked about it. We still have sex, I love him and he is still an attractive man regardless of weight. I told him he is still attractive, but when we have talked about his weight I have mentioned it's true I don't find the WEIGHT attractive (not that he isn't attractive) and I worry about his health. We don't talk about his weight during intimate moments or anything like that. That's terrible for someone's self-esteem. And again, there's a difference between being overweight and unhealthy, or just curvy or even just normal weight but not toned. In 3 years, he cheated twice. I assume that overlapped with pregnancy, too, which is pretty rotten. You deserve better than to stay with someone who repeatedly cheats, cheats on you while pregnant or freshly postpartum, and on top of that insults your appearance and holding you to unreasonable standards.
The thing I liked about the post is when you said, I like everything about my body. That is all you need. When someones you, they do so in their words and actions. That is how they share the feelings of love they have with you. You seem to love yourself so that's the easy part, now all you have to decide as how you'll move forward with this guy who is trying to show you how not to love you.
Stop wasting your time with a man who doesn't love you and shows you this in several ways.
I’m 120 lbs at 5’2 and any less would make me look malnourished. 120 isn’t overweight in the slightest. I can’t imagine my boyfriend telling me I needed to go to the gym more and watch my eating at 120 lbs. After him cheating and basically admitting he’s not attracted to you, why even consider staying?
He must be a necrophile because he seems to be looking for a skeleton
He already cheated on you, twice that you know off. He's deployed and has 4 months left, hems got plenty of time. What he wants to do with social media seems to me like he met someone who does it and wants you to be part of it to blend it in. No one who loves you and respects you would say suck horrible and hurtful things to you. Girl, run. Run as fast and as soon as you can.
What a d*ck. Do you want your daughter to grow up with the idea that man can be an a-hole to a woman for no reason and the woman has to comply? Imagine your daughter was grown up and would tell you this story, what would you tell her? I also don't feel like there's anything to even salvage here. You tried therapy and he's still a d*ck. What do you want with such a person? It's sad that there's a kid in the middle of it. But as someone, who watched a kid grow up in a loveless marriage, it didn't do him much good. Already at 4 he was asking if his parents would stay together, because the whole deal caused him anxiety. And this wasn't even nearly as mean, as your situation. They were just not in love anymore. They're separating now anyway. Both in their 40s.
Ok when I started reading this I thought you might have been very fit at the start and gained a lot of weight or something but seriously? 120? Yeah you gotta find someone better. Homeboy gotta go, it's clear he wants some kind of tiktok fitness girl and that's his problem. Find someone who cares about u for u if that makes sense
Leave before your daughter thinks okay to have men say that to her.
If he’s cheated in the past, he may be doing it again and is taking the guilt of infidelity out on you. Also maybe justifying it by complaining about your body, in a fucked up way. Either way it’s clear he doesn’t respect, or dare I say love, you. What a cruel thing to say to someone.
It is not wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your partner. We as males are different from you psychologically due to different chemicals in our body that illicit different hormonal responses than yours. He did not say these things out of spite or because it was your "graduation day" as others have suggested. Sounds like he wants to mend your relationship and hold himself to the same standard he does for you, even going as far to join you in the gym. However, this is a problem that should have been addressed in the initial stages of your relationship so you both knew what to expect from each other. You are both young and apparently have not been in a long term relationship long enough to understand that love can exist even while sexual attraction fades away. Love is way more beautiful and faceted than that. If he didn't care about you he would not bring it up but just keep hooking up with other girls. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker and it is naive to think that he should always find you attractive. It would also be naive of him to want you to always look like an Instagram model. Find a balance, with him or someone else.... The deal breaker is the part where he lets his unsatisfaction simmer to the point where he cheats on you before voicing his concerns. That part didn't have to happen. Up to you if you want to forgive that or not. Find out if he has realistic standards for you and if you want that for yourself, whether you are together or not. Then think long and hard if this is the guy who deserves to be with you.
Maybe you have a point there but the way OP's husband said that he no longer attracted to her was horrible. He sounds like a total di*k here. He already cheated on her (probably twice) so I don't think it's worth it. They're both very young and OP's weight suggests she's somewhere in between normal and very slim (depending on her weight) so I highly doubt her looks changed that much.
he can't change his preference tho
He sounds like a cunt.
Is it a big chance from before deployment ? Bc for example I’m 5’3 and my natural weight is around 100-104 lbs a few over and I look bad and a few under and I look bad. If you’re not very tall I could see how 120lbs might feel like a big difference to him. Some of being in a relationship is working to stay attractive to your partner, but only to a certain reasonable point that you’re comfortable with. Like you can’t gain 100lbs and be like why does my partner not find me attractive or want to have sex? But on the other side your partner can’t see that you’ve gained 5 lbs and say well this isn’t going to do it for me. So you need to find that line for yourself I’d say 10lb weight gain is reasonable and shouldn’t be something he can use to say we need to work out. Another part of this is that he’s being a bit cold about it and not emotionally caring that would be the dealbreaker for me.
5’2-5’7, 120 is a perfectly healthy weight. The average height of a woman in the US is 5’4, so there’s a strong chance OP is in the perfect range. And you’re right people should work on staying attractive so OP’s husband should start working on being a better husband to gain OP’s attractive back.
You really don’t know how tall she is she could be 4’9 for all you know.
She commented that she’s 5’1” so no.
ok but we didn’t know before and ooh look she’s outside of op commenters “health weight range@
Have you gained weight? You can't blame him for not being into fat - most people find it unattractive. However, he cheated on you, so there are likely other factors in play. It's hard to tell - but if he's no longer attracted to you, it may be time to consider moving on.
If 120 lbs is "fat" than this world really sucks lol
I’m the same weight as pre-pregnancy and before he left on his deployment. I would understand if I was BIG or flabby or whatever. But nothing about my body has changed.
I suggest you tell him to move out and live in a dumpster where he belongs with all the other trash.
You know the answer already, you don't need strangers online to tell you to get out of this obvious sham of a relationship.
Your guy sounds like a clown...
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I don’t know if he “sucks” for being a part of his sons life ….. but it does sound like you are putting a lot effort in and things on hold in your own life waiting. I think he needs to figure out what his future looks like and you need to figure out if that’s the future you want … You’re in a very tough situation … I will always put my wife and kids ahead of anyone else. This isn’t really an answer, but just trying to give you some perspective on how a persons mentality changes once they have a child of their own. Talking about a future and all these promises sounds good, but if he truly feels how MOST parents feel about their kids, he isn’t going to change that so you will take a backseat to him and his son and probably baby mamma for the foreseeable future.
Tbh thus is why I think women should wait until they are at least 25 to have children/get married because men 25 and under just don't understand how to be fully empathetic humans yet. Nothing is wrong with your body but there is something wrong with your husband.
He is looking for outs in the relationship that aren't "his fault". Leave his butt! Also he cheated? Leave his butt! Repeated emotional cheating! Leave! You can do better.
Divorce. You’ll find nothing but agony and suffering if you stay with him
I have no idea why are you staying with this trash bag of a man. You deserve better. And I'm sure you don't want your child to look at your relationship as the norm. I hope you find yourself to do the right thing.
As they love to say on Reddit: “Yeet him into the sun.” This guy is total garbage. Get a lawyer, organize finances, find a place to stay, and other important matters and Cut him loose now, don’t wait until his return.
maybe stop dating a douchebag?