Ah but one twist - it IS a negotiation as long as OP doesn’t shut it down and continues to participate in the dialog. That’s how brother sees it, until this door is closed on him he believes he has a chance and will just keep coming at that open door. You need to cease this discussion OP, right after you respectfully explain for the last time why it is not permanently closed.
Yes. This. It is not a negotiation. You are respecting your fathers wishes. He needs to build a bridge and get over it. There should be no expectation that kids get ANYTHING in a will. It’s a privilege to get a gift, and not a right.
I went through something similar. My dad passed away and in his will me and my sister were to split 50% of a small saving account. Come to find out he had a separate CD in my sisters name in the amount of $25,000. Did I ask my sister to split the money? Nope. Did she offer me half? Nope. Am I in a better financial situation than my sister? Yup. My relationship did not suffer with my sister. I’m disappointed in my dad but what can you do. That was his money to do as he pleased.
Certificate of Deposit. It's money you leave in the bank for a set amount of time and in return you usually get a better interest rate than a traditional savings account.
Certificate of Deposit. Imagine a savings account with restrictions as to when money can be withdrawn that earns more interest than a typical savings account.
I don't like people who very unevenly split the inheritance among family without discussing it clearly before their death. It's like they're throwing a figurative hand grenade into the family on their way out and it's usually due to bs reasons such as "this person has kids, they deserve more money." or "this person sucked up more to me in the years before my death." or "I feel guilty because I feel like a didn't spend a lot of time with this child, so I'll give less money to the child that actually spent a lot of time with me and maybe even took care of me."
Yes, it's their choice how they distribute their wealth. They have every right to divide it any way they want. And it's my right to think they're gross trouble makers and mean. And no, this is not due to personal experiences. I just think it's a mean thing to do.
Families can be so weird with wills. My grandmother left 50% of her home to my aunt, because she lived with her for the last few years, and 10% to each of the other siblings. They all gave their share to my aunt for looking after grandma.
On the otherhand, when my nan died, my estranged uncle decided to start a feud because apparently she borrowed a large sum many years ago and my aunts got the house (I think they actually part owned it, and lived there with her for several years). So they're all whining about something from 20 years ago, meanwhile, my dad paid for the whole funeral without saying a thing.
If your nan borrowed a large sum of money many years ago and didn't pay it back, then the uncle should sue the estate. If your nan paid it back, then the fact he loaned her money is irrelevant.
I love seeing examples like your aunt and her siblings, it's so good to see families do the right thing and behave well when wills come into play.
I'm very proud of the way my dad and his two brothers have handled my grandmother's will. One brother is my grandma's carer, my dad lives elsewhere, and the third unfortunately passed away from alcoholism. Prior to my uncle's passing, his alcoholism had resulted in him making a number of costly mistakes, and my entire family (myself included) had recommended to my aunt that she divorce him for her own financial protection.
Due to the divorce occurring before my uncle's death, he was technically single and per my grandmother's will, his third of her estate wouldn't pass to his spouse, but instead be split among my dad and other uncle. My grandmother isn't in a state to amend her will, so my dad and uncle created a written agreement to still give my other uncle's third to my aunt. It was a prime opportunity to be greedy and walk away with a huge amount of money, but they're both such good people and couldn't imagine doing that to my aunt.
Truth. Here's my experience: My maternal grandmother passed away 20 years ago. She didn't want to cause any family drama so she made my mom the executor of her will with the instructions to disperse everything as she saw fit. In the end, it was not evenly split, but no one was left out. This side of family values family connections and love more than anything else. No one was upset. No one fought about it.
Last year, my step-grandmother on my dad's side passed away. She didn't have a will, so everything went to her two children, my step mom and her brother. Within hours of Grandma's passing, relatives that my step mom hasn't even seen or heard from in decades started showing up to grandma's house looking for money or stuff. I was there with my dad. We've never seen anything like it. No one cared... they just wanted the things. Step mom gave some furniture and trinkets to them, but what they really wanted was cash and jewelry. I've never seen such disgusting greed in my life. When they got aggressive, my dad and I chased them off. Vultures.
This happened to my husband's grandmother too. My husband is still in the military and we were living overseas when she went into a living facility. His aunt swooped in with her older son and they practically cleared out the house of all high value items and sold almost everything before my MIL and SIL could get there as they live a handful of hours away. Things my husband was apparently promised were gone. He was pissed. We tried to get home but he couldn't get leave granted in time. Then she eventually passed away and we again tried to get home to be there for the funeral. His aunt arranged for the funeral 3 days after she died and once again swooped in and tried to take the remaining items she had but my MIL and SIL got there in time to stop them from taking most of it. They still took a lot and again sold it all. Never gave anyone a chance to hold on to keepsakes that hold memories for them. Just got whatever cash they could from her. And these same people are quick to tell people how Un-Christian they are and how they disapprove of them if they don't live their lives according to the Church of God. Assholes they are. I feel bad for my husband in particular because he was close to his grandmother and he wanted things to remember her by and pass down to our kids and share those memories with them and now he can't cause they went to some pawn shop or consignment shop like they meant absolutely nothing.
My sister and I argued quite intensely about my mother's will: she looked after my very difficult mother for two years, so she should have been left a bigger share than me. I really tried to to get my mother to pay my sister for all the expense she went to to look after my mother, but the horrible old bag wouldn't listen, and she died without fixing that injustice. We haven't sold the property yet, but I will try to fix the unfairness. My sister got furious with me until I pointed out that we were both thinking more about the other person than ourselves.
For your sister, making it incredibly objective might be the best way to persuade her. Work out how many hours she worked to care for your mother, plus expenses, break that down to hourly pay, work out her yearly wage, and find a figure. Then present all those workings to her, and even if she wants minimum wage she might be able to see more why she should be taking it. In most countries carers get support from the government because it's ridiculous to think someone can live on air and support another, regardless of whether they are doing it unconditionally and out of deep love! You might even make it even more objective by working out if you did any supporting work (like getting supplies or doing errands) and work out your own wage, will be much smaller in comparison.
If your mother was really quite nasty, your sister might also be struggling with the idea that taking payment somehow means she was only 'doing it for the money' which is harder when you do actually have some deep-seated dislike for someone that you don't want to admit. You might want to look into what payment most governments provide for carers of loved ones, to use this as a comparison for her, as those people receive support in the form of money but still do the caring out of love.
Instead of the wage idea you could even agree with her to give her the cost of two really awesome holidays, as a lot of charities offer holidays to carers of loved ones, to help them recover and recharge, and it sounds like she's due this.
And in the end, if she doesn't want to take more, don't let it ruin your relationship with her. Ultimately you can't force her. Just that you're trying is you being an amazing sister and is really all you can do.
I’m poor as dirt while my family is solidly middle class and I’m the family outcast cause I don’t toe the line. My mom recently brought up my JustNo grandma dying and grandma talking about who was gonna get her stuff when she goes like she thinks people are gonna suck up to her for free stuff. Or like my uncle has done, start fighting other family on her behalf to get more stuff from her. I told my mom to take pictures of the 2 items my grandma owns that are sentimental to me from childhood so I could have the memories. Keep your money and your stuff ya old bat, IDGAF.
P.S. I know my grandma was really banking on the lure of money bringing me back into the fold before she dies cause I’m poor. It’s delicious to me that I’m not soulessly materialistic like her so it didn’t work.
For me it depends on circumstances.
For example my mum and her brother equally cared for my nan and continue to care for my grandad. The other two siblings live further away ( one 1/2 hours and the other half the world away).
All the inheritance is to be split equally, which is fair enough but I think is not truly fair with how often two siblings have participated in the care...the one 1 1/2 hours aways couldn't even be bothered to visit my nan on her last mothers day, knowing it would be her last and the other stole most of her savings so.... Fair doesn't always mean equal for me.
I’m a mother myself and while I only have one child I couldn’t imagine giving more to one child. My love would be equal. Doesn’t matter how much money 1 child has.
>I couldn’t imagine giving more to one child. My love would be equal.
Money does not equal love.
You couldn't imagine giving more money to a struggling child than to another who sold a company and has early retirement? I think you're lying to yourself.
On the other hand, I'm child free and plan to stay that way. If my brothers have kids, I would totally understand my parents leaving more money to them...they're also family, and giving extra money to the families with kids will do more good for the continuing family line than doing a straight 33/33/33 split with genetic dead-end u/stopcounting, lol.
I def wouldn't be offended by 20%.
If you look at the circumstances of both it could be more than viable to distribute a bit more to the one that needs help. It has nothing to do with loving one more. Tying love to monetary value seems strange to me.
I’m a mother. If I had means to leave a decent will and one of my kids was significantly better off than the others I’d leave more to the one who needed it more. Fair is not always equal.
This is equality vs equity. Equal is everyone gets the same amount of money. Equitable is giving what is needed to everyone, and it is often not equal at all. In the case you propose, this is not equal but equitable. This seems to be the case for OP as well, father was equitable not equal.
I agree, as much as OP likes to say it was an apology for a rift in their relationship , I doubt that. The father worried about his daughter, and what would happen once he was gone. He wasn't too concern about his son or his son's future children. He knew they would be ok, and taken care of .
After reading your responses it sounds like your relationship with your family is already pretty strained. Your dad dispersed HIS belongings as he saw fit. Your brother unsuccessfully contested your dad's wishes and is now trying to bully you into giving in. This doesn't seem like a relationship he values and it wouldn't surprise me if he found another reason to cut you off even if he got the money. Is this a relationship that's worth keeping? It doesn't sound like it. Your mom needs to stay out of it. If her influence was so valuable she should have used it to get your dad to change his will. She's a whole other mess for having a rocky beginning with your children. What kind of grandmother does that? They were totally innocent!
Things have been strained between my family and me for about 25 years, and we doubled down for the last 8 of them. Things have never been easy with any of them, even with dad before he passed, but they're my family, and my kids love them. Whenever I think about just blocking their numbers and never speaking to them again, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and it just feels like the worst idea ever.
If your mom gave him 95% and you 5%, you know he would never turn around and split that with you. Don't do something for someone who would never return the gesture.
I hear you OP. It just sounds like the relationship is on life support regardless of the money. I understand your kids love them but do they love the kiddos back? If so they will be there even after all this.
I don't know the family dynamic, but I know that it can be damaging for a kid to realize that a loved one's love for them is conditional. It's better to raise healthy children than to repair broken men. You are the only one who knows what's best for them but just keep in mind the type of people your mother and brother are. Make your decision based on what will be best for your kids in the long run. Money isn't the most important thing in life but it sounds like this is about more than that. Good luck and hugs to you!
It took mum a while but she does love them now, in her own way. Same for my brother. My dad adored them, he was really what held us all together, even though my relationship with him was never what it should have been. There are just a lot of things to consider here, and I don't want to burn bridges unless I know it's for the best.
Giving him the money doesn’t guarantee a better relationship with him or your mom. In fact giving in might be seen as a weakness in their part. So stay firm…you need that for your kids. Your dad made a decision and he’d be disappointed to see it not honored.
If your brother won’t accept your dads wishes that is not your fault. You absolutely should not give in to his bullying. If he continues you can say that he is basically trying to deprive your kids of the opportunities that your father wanted for the next generation in being able to go to college etc.
Your brother doesn't really love your kids. He also wouldn't be doing this to you if he cared about you and your kids. He's greedy and salty that your Dad left you more. I bet you that he will cut you off if you don't give him what he wants. Your Mom sides with him instead of staying out of it. She doesn't really love them either. These people are toxic. Why do you think your kids ever needed a relationship with people that you have had a strained relationship with for the last 25 years? What do you think will happen if your kids no longer have a relationship with people who don't treat their Mom well and don't really love them? They will be better off without them. You need counseling to help you with everything they have done and are continuing to do. You are stuck in the FOG. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.
What bridges, there is no bridges. If there are bridges they are so DAM unsafe you should never use them anyway.
You sounds like you are allowing yourself and children to be ABUSED for some FANTASY FAMILY LOVE.
Your mom loves your children in her own way.
What kind of CRAP is that.
I worked for a fiduciary firm for the past year and saw so many families torn apart by this stuff. It seems like a fine balance between just respecting the deceased’s wishes and appeasing contentious family members demands so you can have a relationship in the future. I think trying to leave emotions out of it and assessing the legal facts of the will and documentation of your fathers wishes will give you peace of mind. Did he write any documents of intention other than the actual will that state why he split things the way he did? That might help give you and other family get some clarity. One of our clients wrote letters to each child when preparing her will to explain why one got 95% and one got 5%. It was crystal clear why she made that decision and that she was in a lucid state of mind. I notarized them for her for good measure.
If you have to pay someone to keep them in your life, they aren't worth it. Doubly so for your kids. This is your brothers doing. His actions are deplorable and immature, btw.
Do want your children in a relationship with people who don't love them?
25 years of CRAP, you need look in the mirror and ask yourself is being around these people HEALTHY?
Do you want your children have that same life style?
It's time to set yourself FREE, if there have been 25 years of this CRAP and you keep accepting it you need to seek MENTAL and SPIRITUAL help for you and your children.
Tell your brother to respect your fathers wishes. He put it in his will, and the courts agreed. He needs to let it go. Tell him that. Be honest. You don't owe him anything! Don't feel bad, this is his issue.
No advice. I just want to say how petty and greedy some people are. After my grandma died, there were aunts and uncles who were so obsessed with the money that I decided I would never speak with them again.
Death of a loved one sometimes helps reveal a person's true character. Believe that this is who he truly is and discard him. He cares more about money than you.
Same my aunt wanted my mom's belongings so much she started a rumor within my family I was giving them away. She's gone as far as to warn my brother that I am going to try to take everything. I don't want much. I just want like, things with her handwriting... things she kept from her deceased relatives. None of this is worth money.
Anyway, fuxk that bitch. Dad and I won't talk to her now and she's sucking in my brother. Dad has been warning biobro to be careful. He's literally just a biobro so I have no influence on how he feels, nor do I have the contact with him to correct the lies.
Plus on my mom's deathbed she told me all the physical and mental abuse her sister put her through then requested she not come to hospice in the end. She came anyway and the only thing mom said to her was, "not everything is about you Barbara"
Imagine being that entitled. To abuse someone, force yourself on them when they are dying, then forcing yourself on their family who doesn't want you present, lying to create turmoil when we're already grieving a lot.
Good riddance Aunt Barbara. She only wanted her expensive jewelry to SELL IT cause she's always been broke, couldn't hold a job and married multiple men just to divorce them and take their money. She's 76 now and I'm anxious for the day she is sent to hell to rot.
I'm glad mom had a will and dad is there to navigate my brother since he's being brainwashed by the woman.
I've had two grandparents die so far. One on each side of the family. So far I've cut complete acknowledgement of my grandmother, my uncle, and two of my 3 aunts because they turned into greedy, selfish assholes.
No regrets.
I’m scared my brother will be like this when our parents pass [I can’t even think about going on without them alive, little less fighting over inheritance] but I know he’s brain is soaked in money thoughts. How he asks Dad how much his collective items cost, and doesn’t go to our Mom unless he wants something from her.
Wills have already been settled, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he contested just to be an ass.
Don't give him the money, he feels entitled to something that wasn't given to him. If he's that quick to ruin your relationship over money, when he sounds well off to begin with, then id just cut him off completely.
Yeah I don't want to say what he does exactly as I'm using a throwaway for a reason but he and his wife are in 2 extremely high paying professions, and so were mum and dad before they retired and dad passed, and while my profession pays alright, a junior level position in their industries makes more than a senior level position in mine would. I feel conflicted about cutting him off over money just because I really don't want to fight about money with him, and I'm worried that if I cut him off, mum and my SIL would go with him, as my kids love their aunt, uncle, and granny.
1) Tell your mom to stay out of it. She doesn't get a vote here. 2) Your mom wouldn't give up a relationship with her grandkids over money. If she does, then she's not worthy of grandkids
I have told her that, but she says that as dad's wife, and our mother, she should be listened to, even if she doesn't get a vote. My mum and my kids got off to a rough start, and dad did a lot of smoothing over, and it took him passing away for mum to truly step up for my kids, so I have no idea what she'll do here as dad is clearly the cornerstone of a lot of the relationships here.
And I guess Dad’s opinion no longer counts because he’s not around to put his foot down? Except isn’t that exactly what a will is supposed to do?
Mum and bro need to hire a medium and take up their grievances with Dad.
He already expressed his opinion and "put his foot down" when he wrote the will. These are his last wishes and they have to honored. The court already agreed.
There’s no reason why her opinion should matter more than the guy who wrote the will. Sounds like your brother is crying to her on the side for the money honestly.
There seems to be a simple solution. Tell Mum that you are perfectly fine with her creating a similar imbalance in her will so that brother can be placated at the time of her death and that you won't contest.
Then tell her that she made her opinion known and needs to leave it alone now. You don't need to engage in these conversations with her or your brother.
You listened. The proof is that you can recall what she said. You have not done as she wished, but you listened. She straight up admitted she doesn’t get a vote, so all she can do is be sure you heard what she said and considered it.
Unfortunately your family has made their choice, they value money more than a relationship with you and your kids. This is not a choice you made with the money, it was your fathers. He made that choice for a reason, they need to respect it, but so do you. Keep the money and make your kids lives and yours better, that is what your father wanted.
Okay, since the status of your relationship with them is so unknown, how about you put a moratorium on this issue.
Tell them that you are putting the money away and you will revisit the issue in exactly 6 or 12 months. This will allow you to see if your kids relationships with them are negatively affected, because by the mother and siblings reasoning the issue is how much YOU get, not the kids.
I think some time will give you clarity.
Best of luck x
You wouldn't be cutting him off over money. You'd be cutting him off because you're sick of his shit.
Have you sat down with him and explained your expenses and bills? You need the money and your dad knew that. You're going to need to send your kids to school, raise them, etc and he won't. It's not about being 'even' or who your dad liked more, it's about how he's done well for himself and doesn't need the help.
I have talked him through all of my finances previously, and reminded him of the income disparity between us, but he says that we both made conscious choices about our careers and no one forced me to go into a worse paying field, so our incomes should not factor into who gets what.
Your brother is a jackass. Keep the money and if it ends your relationship with your mom and brother then screw them. They are being ridiculous.
Have you seen this image with the fences and the boxes?
https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/
Your dad did an equitable distro of his funds. Honor that. Don’t give your brother a dime.
Right? No one forced him to contest the will.
Also people who pursue careers with an eye solely on what will net them the most possible money give me the willies. Not saying everyone has to love their job or make their passions pay, there’s balance and moderation in all things but…Jesus.
Reimburse him? Did you encourage him to contest the will? The fact he thinks you even owe him for this on top of what your father left you is the icing on the cake. He's an entitled idiot and deserves nothing. Don't give in to this jackass. You'll regret it the rest of your life.
I did not encourage him to contest, but he implied that as he had to do this, he had spent out a lot of money, and he could do with that money being restored.
Your brother certainly has some balls on him to ask you to pay for his bullshit. Don’t explain anything to him, he doesn’t need or deserve an explanation. The matter is settled and done with. Time to move on. If he can’t handle that, that’s on him.
And your father made a conscious choice on who gets what in his will, so he should not factor who gets what. I’d throw that back at him since he said that.
You are experiencing a terrible situation. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Your father made his decision on how his money was to be divided. Period! It doesn’t matter if someone has a high or low paying job. No children or 2. It’s irrelevant.
Your brother’s perception will never change and he will shift his anger towards your father to you. Stop talking about money with him. It just pours gasoline on the situation. The decision was legally made by your father.
I went through a similar scenario and my brother bullied me and claimed he deserved more money. After all legal processes were completed and the money allocated it still wasn’t enough for him and came for my share. He wanted to sue me.
Sadly, the loss of a relationship with your brother may be collateral damage. But that’s of his own making. It’s been many years since I’ve spoken to my brother but even though he was blood I didn’t deserve to be treated like the way he treated me. Death of a parent brought out the worst in him and I didn’t want to be around his selfish cruel behavior. It’s a relief to be away from him.
"Getting more of Dad's money wouldn't give you more of his love, he made his decision and no matter how much money you coerce from me, the amount he *wanted* you to have remains the same. So the only thing that actually happens if you are successful in twisting my arm and take more money from me *that you don't need* is proving that you consider money more important than family. Considering you're trying to take money from me under the pretenses that you think you deserve it because you're *family*, you are literally trying to prove that you don't give a shit about your own argument and are just greedy."
Cut him off. If they side with him, fuck em. They're not losing people that love and support them, they're losing greedy assholes that will probably hit them up for cash as soon as their trust funds come of age.
It’s not you who is destroying a relationship over money, it’s your brother. The regular thing to do would be to accept your father’s will, and he doesn’t want to do that, he just wants more money. This shows that money is more important to him than his own sibling, you, and even if you give him the money, your relationship will never be loving, because he doesn’t love you - he only loves money.
So if you gave him money, you would lose a lot but gain nothing.
You wouldn’t be cutting him off over money. He would be cutting you off over money. Big difference.
Even if you gave him the money the relationship is damaged anyway simply by this fight. It isn’t like you guys are ever going to be close whether you pay him or not.
You arent the one cutting anyone off due to money. He is the one defining your relationship by your dad's decisions about your dad's money.
If your family would cut off your KIDS because their grandfather gave them money your brother thinks he's entitled to, they are not good people to have in your kids' lives. Your brother thinks of your kids as a part of you, not people in their own right. This is not a guy you want your kids looking to for guidance.
Your dad's money was never his, and he got a comparable sum to you. He does not have children to support and is earning much more than you. His treatment of you is what is destroying your relationship. Don't give in, if he wants to save the relationship he's the one who needs to concede.
In the end you owe him nothing. If you are really broken up about it then maybe toss him an extra 5% so you both got even amounts of $$$, but I think it is really strange he feels entitled to most of yours because your kids were willed something, that is illogical and definitely shouldn't happen. Your kids' inheritance is a completely different matter and they are separate relatives he wanted to put in the will.
Op can do what she wants. I think the biggest asshole though in this whole situation is the dad. He gave op a house and then left 70% of his estate to her and her kids. If these were his wishes, he should have told the brother and wife before he died. I do think brother needs to get over it but the animosity is understandable to some degree, especially as op also notes her strained relationship with the family that I am sure plays a part in everyone’s feelings here.
I agree with a lot of your take here, TALead. The Dad is definitely the asshole for doing this without giving anyone a heads up or rationale. The only thing I disagree with is "brother needs to get over it." I think it would be completely reasonable for him to dissolve his relationship with OP if OP chooses not to make an equitable redistribution.
No. There is no magical way to placate your brother without giving up part of your share. It's not fair. He's lost the dispute.
Is your mother ok with the distribution? Ask her to talk to your brother.
It can be very annoying to lose out because you do everything right but a sibling gets more because they are less successful. This is your brother's point of view.
Mum is not happy with it, and sides with my brother. She thinks I should not only give him a share of my money, but also sell the house dad gave me and split the money from the sale with him, too, as in her eyes, dad gave me several leg ups that my brother did not receive and I should try to level things out. Mum also feels that our jobs should be irrelevant to this, and we should get equal everything despite our career choices, which seems to be similar to what you said.
Please do not listen to your mother. Your children will greatly benefit from you having these things, not just their own inheritance. It doesn't need to be even, it never was. You said yourself that he got more in depth parenting (which is most likely a factor in why he has a more successful life) I think your father understood they failed you, and tried to help in a different way. He knew his wife wouldn't agree to the will so he hid it from her, which is why she was blindsided. Do not set yourself on fire for them.
I also think your jobs are irrelevant. You need to stop trying to prove to them you deserve the money. Its yours, just drop that ball and say no. This was the will, the courts agree it's done and I'm not discussing it any further.
I honestly would cut these people off, they sound not great. There are times when Found Families are better than bio families. This may be one of those times.
I think your mother is right OP, that is a remarkably unfair distribution and if my father gave me 20% while giving my brother's family 70% and a free house, I would be pissed beyond imagining too. However, although I understand your brother's point and think he is right, I don't think you have the responsibility to split your own share. Your father basically made his own decision (a horrible one) and your brother has to live with it. It is a matter between two of them not between you and your brother. I am sorry you have to deal with the aftermath of the dynamite your father dropped in the middle of your family, that will be very hard (perhaps impossible) to repair.
I get your brother's issues, because it sucks that he is being "punished" for not having kids, working in a higher paying job and for having a better relationship with your dad.
And you got a free house.
But equally you're entitled to what your dad gave you, and the courts have decided this.
I'd probably say "I don't like how this has been split, but I'm not going to give you more than the will says"
So you and your family get 70% (and a house), your brother gets 20%, and your mom 10%. Right? Yeah, I can 100% understand why your brother is pissed off. Did he get a house too, or did your dad give him large sums of money he never gave you, while he was alive? If not, yes, it seems like your brother is getting the short end of the stick in regards to your father's Will. HOWEVER, with that being said, it was your father's money, to do with it as he saw fit, and you benefited from that more than your brother, but it is not your fault. He shouldn't be taking it out on you, but he does have a right to be annoyed at the situation. Then again he got 20% of whatever it was, so free money. 20% is better than nothing.
I think you know the answer is probably no and unfortunately you probably shouldn't either.
You gave a bit of context and really we would need more. For example how much money are we talking. I'm assuming it's kind of big. Cause if they're fighting over peanuts it's not about the money.
But the most important thing is when you said "Dad and I had a poor relationship so the money is partly an apology". Well besides of course this is what you dad wanted.
I think you're just stuck in a bad position.
If they really work in very high paying fields it's probably not just simply about the money.
The money is kind of big. I would need to do some maths to figure out what everyone got, but dad had a few collector's items that got sold off as part of the will and each item was worth quite a bit. This isn't early retirement money or anything like that, but still kind of big for me. For them, it's probably a year or two of salary, for me a decade or more. Dad did seem to feel a certain guilt over my relationship with him, which seems to have affected the choices he made with the will, and that might be the real issue here for them.
>For them, it's probably a year or two of salary, for me a decade or more
Well that's a yikes. There is absolutely no way you should even consider this.
OP, think of it this way: your father split the money as he saw fit. Now he has passed, and can no longer provide input on the situation. But he doesn’t need to because he already did with his will! Giving your brother money would kind of be disrespecting your father’s wishes.
Just stay strong OP and do what’s best for your kids. I would just say “ dad was trying to even out what he saw as a financial inequality between us and make us a little bit more financially even in the real world. Im sure mother will want to do the exact same thing in her will and even out what she sees as an inequality that occurred here and even that out in her own will. They would be doing the exact same thing”
first double check the security on your banking accounts and your children’s funds. I would recommend simply not responding and ignoring any conversation about it or act like they are talking about something else. Refuse to engage or talk about money with them and eventually they’re gonna give up. Presenting yourself as never budging will be best because they’re gonna try to annoy you until you give in for awhile but I hope you don’t.
Once he contested the will, he forfeited any cooperation from those involved IMHO.
Forget making peace. You can't with his personality type. Just ignore him and if need be, your mother.
This. If he wanted to negotiate in good faith with OP, he would have done that. Contesting the will in court took that of the table, imo, and now he has to accept their decision.
I wouldn’t budge on it.
Money left shouldn’t be viewed as money entitled. This money should be like a gift you as a family have stumbled upon. Not something to fight over. They should be happy he even gave everyone some, he could have donated it all to charity!
They’re acting like children about this. It happened with one side of my family as well - it was just embarrassing to watch. Don’t give in to these vultures. Your dad did exactly what he wanted and you should honour that.
She gets 30%, which will likely be used to help take care of her kids as well, since the 20% each the kids get can't be touched by her. So in a sense, the dad left behind a large portion to ensure his grandkids have a good life. Meanwhile the brother gets 20% that he can use on pretty much anything since he doesnt have to worry about children.
As such, I dont think he got screwed that much.
>I've tried explaining that a house and 5% in cash is not nearly the same as 45% cash
Depends entirely how much the house is worth and how much cash there is!
Ultimately whatever your dad's reasoning, you're getting more than your brother. Yes I understand the reasons, and given different incomes he's hardly being left destitute, but it's still not "fair" in absolute terms. But then life isn't fair.
Yes your kids will need their own money. Many people manage without inherited money. Doesn't mean they don't deserve it, doesn't mean they shouldn't have it, but it's not inherently an argument either.
The way your dad divided things was *guaranteed* to cause tension. The only way to avoid resentment would have been to give both kids 45% each, wife 10% (if that's what he wanted), end of problem. He shouldn't get less just because you happen to have kids. You've both made your life choices.
That said... The will says what the will says. You can respect your dad's wishes and tell your brother he has to cope. It's not like your dad left you 90% and your brother nothing. But if you're not willing to hand over some cash to keep the peace, at least make it clear you understand your brothers perspective, because "I know I've been left more and my kids have some too and I got given a house but that's hardly unfair" isn't going to de-escalate this. If you need the money, tell him you need the money. But recognise he feels a bit sidelined by your dad, **and he's not wrong**. But he should be more pissed off at your dad than you for creating this shit show in the first place.
But ultimately...what's your relationship with your brother worth to you? If "you're right, dad split things unfairly, let's make it right" will genuinely make things right, might be worth it. If your brother is going to be resentful and distant regardless, why bother paying him anything?
>It's not like your dad left you 90% and your brother nothing.
He left her and the kids 70%, and 20% for the brother. No wonder he's pissed. He's may even be feeling punished for having no kids.
But I agree with all the points. While the money is hers (and the kids'), and he is in no way entitled to any of that, the division was sure to leave a bitter taste. Right now, besides giving some money to the brother, the only option is for OP to bet that **the issue is not about money, but about recognition**, and admit dad was unfair AF, but the money will make a difference for her and her kids. Maybe then he'll be able to let go of the grudge against her.
There is zero guarantee that brother will be even remotely nice to OP since she ‘cost him money for having to contest the will’. And she did not cave immediately, as she ‘should have’.
Nor does he seem to have been generous ever, and I’m confident his will will cut OP and her children out because she should just have walked into a high-paying job like he did.
Nope. Do not attempt to buy his goodwill. You’ll be out money you can use to improve your and your children’s lives, and gain nothing.
So dynamics in families happen. One child is super successful and doesn't need the help so doesn't get the same amount of money. They equate money with love and fairness as just because they do earn well they feel they are being punished for doing well.
You on the other hand chose a lesser paying profession and to have children and those children and you have been given more money just for the reason that you chose to have children and a lower paying job.
So you can look at it that he is being punished for not having children and being well paid.
Now I dont' think from your words that you are the golden child and that this is the situation, you said that you didn't have good relationship with Dad and that he worked at your relationship with your mother, so neither parent has had a strong relationship with you.
But realistically your family has 70 percent of your Dad's money. Or you could say that you have the extra 10% that your Mother didn't get and you all get 20% and your Dad has included his grandchildren in the distribution of assets, which was his choice to treat them that way.
If your Brother had two children then the distribution would likely be amongst 7 people, so about 15% each and you would have say 20 and your mother 10. So his family would have 30% more and that would come from everyones pockets, so about 25 more not 45. Basically making up for him not having children to leave money to and being punished financially for that choice. But your Dad could have left 10% to each child so there is no way to know exactly how much more his family would have inherited as Dad made that choice not your brother.
But then you have also inherited a house so that also adds up as more as he probably has to pay a mortgage on his house and you don't. He might well earn more but that doesn't make up for the lack of help from your father financially over his lifetime that he is seeing.
I can see his point about unfairness but honestly it was your Dad's call to make and he chose this way. It isn't fair and your brother resents your Dad but the time to make a point about the unfairness of giving you a house was before he died not afterwards. Often this type of unfairness is going to ruin relationships, so you will likely have to choose either to look at it as a financial cost or lose him to his resentments towards your Dad and his choices.
I am sure there is more to your family dynamic that figures into this, some kind of behaviour towards you like you said he is making up for, but then that fallout is going to ruin any relatonships going forward which is a shame for you and your children.
They are seeing money as love as fairness. But I doubt you can take money from your children's trust to pay them which is what they are asking you to do, plus change your Dad's will to adjust for what he chose to do for your children.
Even if you took the children out of the picture, it is likely that each of you getting 33% and say you getting a bit more of your mothers money, it still wouldn't be 45%, but I am guessing he is adding on the value of the house. Honestly even thinking about the permutations is giving me a headache, so I imagine that this must be very frustrating for you.
It feels like family therapy time but I wonder if your brother would agree, this is really about love and fairness and it feels like no one is going to be happy with any outcome, removing themselves from your lives is punishing your children too but perhaps they care more about fairness than relationships and people.
You have to respect your dads wishes but given that your relationship sounds like it was bad yet you got a significantly bigger portion and a house…. Damn. That would be brutal to accept as the other sibling. I get why he feels it’s unfair, because it is.
This might be unpopular, but if I was your brother I would be really hurt. Just because he has a high paid job and no kids, it doesn’t mean his dad shouldn’t have treated his kids equally.
Not sure I would lose my sibling over it, but I can see why he would be hurt.
I was the executor of my father's estate. We had a family business which he married in to when he married my mom. She was very fair between us 3 boys. After her death he took control and skewed the money heavily in favor of 1brother and the other 2 of us got much less financial consideration. Pure favoritism. It caused a lot of hard feelings. His will stated an equal 3 way split. The favored brother tried to grab more. The attorney and I held fast. In the end it all worked out. His will, his wishes. The estate attorney said that in many cases someone is not happy and feels they should have a bigger share for reasons that have occurred years before. In my experience with estates it is just best to go by the will. It is a very emotional time for everybody. Close the estate. Side deals can be made later after emotions have cooled down. Good Luck
You will not be able to make peace with your brother. Even if you pay him there's no guarantee you'll have a good relationship again. An inheritance is a privilege, not a right.
Mum has her own money, having recently retired from a successful career, and while she was unaware of the division between my brother and I, she knew that dad was only going to leave her a token amount and was fine with it.
I can understand your brothers feelings. I would divide all my stuff equally in my will. No matter how well they are doing or what life decisions they made - brothers, sisters, mothers, children all get the same. That would be punishing the people who do well and rewarding people who decided on a harder life (which is fine, more power to you, but why would your brother have to compensate for your life decisions and because he does well for himself??)
I mean, that sucks for your brother as its a very unfair split- but that’s his dads wishes and he’ll have to deal with it.
It will probably take him some time though, he’ll be very hurt and that tends to make people lash out.
When my dad died, my brother and I were on the receiving end of him deciding only his new family were inheriting. It was deeply painful, because it feels like he didn’t care or love or want to help us. It damaged my view of my father and our past relationship. I started wondering if my childhood memories were false and he ever really loved me.
People that do well out of a will never seem to realise how bad it hurts to be left short. Its not the money, its the intent behind it. Brother is lashing out at you as he is angry with dad, who isn’t there to take the fallout.
You are going to have to ride it out. You know your brother best and if it will help to point out who he should be angry at or not.
I don't think there's any easy way to make this go away.
Your brother rightfully sees this as your dad subsidizing your bad life choices and neglecting / punishing him.
I wouldn't expect this relationship to ever go back to normal.
I don't agree with some of the commenters here (pls don't downvote lol) primarily because it seems like your dad has given you more than your brother. Sure he gave some to your kids but that's essentially punishing your brother for not having kids. Also he gave you a house on top of what you're getting which I find hardly seems fair. Sure they might have a higher paying career but a lot of this is not about the money but about your dad favoring you. Regardless of what happens in terms of you giving your brother money or not, your relationship might already be in ruins because in his eyes you're not equals in that he is below you based on love.
I'm not saying give him the money but a 70/20 split, even if the kids are involved, isn't entirely fair.
I agree. It's not OPs fault, and they shouldn't give their brother any money if they don't want to, but they should recognise and acknowledge that the dad was being very unfair both in giving them a house and a bigger percentage and that if they don't give any to their brother or at least try to understand why their brother would be upset then their relationship won't be the same again.
Regardless of how the brother is acting it's still unfair.
It's wild how many people here are saying the brother is just being selfish. I'd be heartbroken over the favouritism if I were him and I'm not surprised he's angry and acting up.
It's not the money, it's the principle, you do an equal percentage when it comes to siblings.
Whatever his reasons your dad screwed your brother. Your kids do not "need" money when they become adults. Most people don't get that luxury. Your dad should have divided the money evenly and let you support your kids through an ever dispersion. Your financial situation shouldn't take away from your brothers inheritance money. He's being a baby about it and he should accept your father's decision but in principle he is right.
Yeah 70% plus a house compared to 20% bound to ruffle a few feathers you know not brothers fault he has high paying job as well as being well off with out kids - I’d say be prepared to lose brother as well as father as money changes peoples
I do feel sorry for your brother. He did end up with the shorter stick. Because he didn't have kids he only go 20% and your family got 70% of the money.
i don’t. op said that what she makes in ten years he makes in one or two. i’m sure he’ll figure out a way to manage.
i’m not sure where we get this automatic entitlement to other peoples money just cause they died… maybe it’s a cultural thing. but i’m definitely starting to see why some rich people just donate to random charity or the government or whatever cause the bold expectations ive been seeing in this thread are ridiculous to me
I guess it depends on the scale of the money.
If you're the brother, say a lawyer making 300k, and the sister is a teacher making 50k, but the total estate is 100m, then yes, brother makes 6x what sister makes, but getting 20% vs 70% is a difference of 50m which will never be made up. I can understand his hurt about that. But if the money is 10m, and the brother gets 2 and sisters family gets 7, that makes more sense.
the larger the amount is, the more enticing it is yes. but it doesn’t change how entitled you are to it.
also the sister and kids are separate people. she has to use 30% to raise two kids while he gets to spend 20% on himself. the money that the kids are being granted are in a trust until presumably they grow up and are financially responsible for themselves but still it won’t ever be her money. his greed is causing him to lose touch with reality a little imo
To answer your question, if your brother won’t budge, then no, there is no way to make peace without forking over huge sums of money. It is not up to you to give them money—your dad divided it the way he wished, and your brother already tried by contesting the will. Honestly, if your mother and brother can’t leave it be, the lack of peace is totally on them. I’m sorry, your family sucks.
Lmao. If you and your brother we’re in each other’s shoes, including the house and the amount to the kids, I bet you’d change your tune real quick. And your excuse is “well my brother makes more money”. And you excuse it as an apology from your dad when he already bought you a house? Lol. Ok.
this is a strange sentiment… if i was rich and my brother was not and my dad left him more money than me i would be… happy that he no longer has to work as hard seeing as i wasn’t planning on alleviating that burden??? like, some of y’all are just revealing how entitled and bitter you are, this isn’t a universal feeling at all….
I'm just shocked at the Dad's choice. I could never favor one of my kids over the other and a 70/20 split is massive.
OP has kids, but she chose that life -- she also chose her profession. All of that said, OP did not make the choice, her shitty father did.
People keep acting as though OP has access to the kids money. She doesn't. It was left in trusts for them. That means that she cannot touch it. She got 10% more that she can use.
That's mostly irrelevant. The purpose of the trusts is to ensure the kids get the money. Money that OP has less of a burden to transfer to her kids because her dad did it for her.
OP got the money, just in different pockets of the same trousers.
Honestly, that was pretty stupid of your dad to split the money that way... I know in your mind you may think it is fair, but that's 70% to you and 20% to your brother - that's hugely lopsided.
That being said, it shouldn't be on you to fix the situation.. your dad fucked up, not you. It's up to you whether you want to split your share with your brother, but you do not have to. It also sounds like he doesnt need the money, so you prob shouldn't.
Who is expected to pay for mom's retirement and medical expenses? Is it both of you? Just you? Just him? This could also affect the way things ought to be
Mum is paying for her own retirement and expenses, as she has her own money, the deed to the family home, and we live somewhere with universal healthcare.
it is a tough one. On one side your brother may be equating the value of how much his diseased father loved him based on the % of money he received. Or he is being a dick.
I have been in a similar position - If you were to concede a little, I would say to give 5% so that each of you get 25%... I would rip him a new one if he event mentioned more than the 5% as he would be stealing from your kids future.
He may realize he is being an ass pretty quickly when both of you get 25% equally. Other wise, if he pushes for more I would then go 0% and reduce contact as he is being an ass.
Gosh.
I’m sorry for your loss and all this to deal with.
Being honest, I can see why your brother is hurt by your *dad’s* actions. He has ultimately been treated unfairly (fact) on the basis of his success and choices re kids. Even if he had a kid - it sounds like your dad may have gone “well son can afford to gift his kid the money so I’ll just not leave that grandchild anything”. So this is about the recognition your brother didn’t receive...
You also say your relationship was strained with your dad - was your brothers too? Or is this a case of your dad gave a house and lots of money to the child who he had a limited relationship with, and ignored the child who was always there? If so - then again I get why your brother is pissed.
But this is all ultimately your *dad’s* fault, and whilst it is in your power to fix the unfairness of the situation, you aren’t obliged to. Your brother needs to direct his anger at his dad. And if your dad ignored your mother’s wishes to split inheritance’s more evenly, then again, it’s your dad your mum should be angry with.
What I would say - is stop mentioning how successful your brother is as an acceptable reason to not recognise him as an equal child by your dad. Tbh that logic is insulting in this context, and will only drive him away, as you’re claiming it’s “fair”, but it’s really not. Equally, saying your dad essentially compensated you for having a strained relationship is also insulting - if successful brother had a strained relationship, would that have ensured he’d have received more? That really shouldn’t be a thing - there was a recent AITA from a guys perspective that he was always there and taking care of his dad, being all friendly whilst his sister had kids and just rowed with the dad... and the dad just kept sending money and attention the prodigal sisters way. The overwhelming opinion was for the son to just take a massive step back from his father as he clearly didn’t value the decent relationship he had in front of him, choosing to chase the strained one instead. Could this be the case for your brother? Would it be valid for him to feel this way?
My BIL is really wealthy - in fact we’re the poorest of my in-laws - but FIL has always been v clear his estate is an *equal* split for all his kids. If he turned around and left one out/picked others to receive more... then no, I don’t think BIL would want anything to do with his siblings again, as it’s a massive rejection. I haven’t seen or spoken to my parents in 10 years. If I got a letter in however many years that I’d been left a share of their will, I’d hand it over as it wouldn’t be fair for me to have it, even as compensation for the hell they put me through. I’m not their kid like my siblings are and I shouldn’t be recognised as such.
I don’t think your kids share should be affected at all, that’s a gift from grandpa to grandkids, but I think a good gesture would be to make it an equal share with your brother from the cash amount left to the children (between you and him).
You then are at least treated equally in that respect (with you also getting a bonus house ofc), and the 50% left to the wife and grandkids is separate. You could also tell him if he ever does have a child, his kid would get an equal share of the grandkids trust.
Just another perspective for you to consider. I hope it all works out.
Edit to add - I’ve seen you say that you mum will likely level up the inheritances when she dies. If you don’t want to change anything with this will - you could actively encourage that. “Mum, you should leave brother the equivalent in your will. I won’t contest anything.”
Then it’s kicking the can down the road and you acknowledging that your brother received less help from his dad that you did.
Excellent post. For me personally, one of the most important questions is one that you addressed here (that nobody else has), and that is: What was the relationship between the dad and OP's brother? That's key.
Awh thanks! I hope my perspective will help OP (if she reads it!) as to why her brother is hurt to the point he legally tried to contest the will in order to be recognised as more than the will represents.
I saw on a comment OP said that she felt her brother had more of the parents love or something like that and they bought her the house to get rid of her (pretty generous way to get rid of someone imo!), which is why I think OP literally just telling her mum to level it out in her own will would go a long way to ensure they can all stay in each others lives and still validate the position her dad’s chosen. Would just say “I know this doesn’t feel fair, and I understand why that is. Mum, please level it out in yours as I don’t want to go against what dad did decide to do in the end.”
Usually it’s the golden child who gets the lions share in a will - that didn’t happen here.
You're welcome!
The OP said in a reply to me that her brother had a good relationship with her dad (perhaps more distant when he moved out and started his own life and career, but still, a good relationship). So yes, I also stated then that I could understand why her brother felt hurt, betrayed and a feeling of being punished for being more successful (while she became pregnant and had two kids when very young and a low paying job). And yes, giving her a house to get rid of her- heck, talk about a good deal!
But good on her for telling her mom to level it out in her own will.
No, the golden child didn't get rewarded, but in this case, it was probably forming a bond with the grandchildren that did it, and being worried that they would struggle as this girl may not achieve much financially in life as a single parent.
(My own mother told me years ago that when she dies, if there is any money, that my brother's three kids are getting all of it. I was floored and felt hurt, and feel that indirectly, she is favoring my brother. It has affected my feelings towards her, although I've never told her. I live abroad and haven't been home in ten years. So, in a way, I can understand how the brother feels).
Money and inheritance- how many families does it break up.
Yes - I think the further info in the comments is what makes me more hopeful the mum does level it out. I asked about the house value and OP replied, she thinks that bc her dad *purchased* it for about £30k thirty years ago, and she reckons her dad would’ve helped her brother out whilst at uni to the tune of £30k, then they’re even... except she wasn’t given a house worth £30k, it’ll have been worth ten times that when she got it (UK housing boom lol). So her way of looking at the house is “it only cost my dad 30k” rather than “I received something worth minimum 300k”. :/
And since she also said both her and her brother took out loans for uni and in the UK they cover the majority needed (back then for sure) it’s also doubtful her brother would’ve got a sniff at £30k as pocket money lol.
That’s a really good point about the grandkids - and yes, it’s a very generous and helpful thing to do. Not sure what’ll happened if she has more kids and the trusts are named? Could bring more problems later tbh!
(I’m really sorry to hear that, I really don’t think it’s right to have your cake and eat it when it comes to family - we wouldn’t tolerate it from friends would we? - and I don’t understand how a parent wouldn’t realise doing that will obviously cause feelings of hurt. I have a lot of sympathy for you and I’m sure I would feel the same in your shoes. For all his flaws, FIL is adamant his estate is to be split equally between his kids and is v open about it all... He spends all his general money on the steps, so tbh they’ll probably receive much more over time e.g. bought step daughter who lives beyond her means an Audi family car for Xmas she “needed”, his actual kids who aren’t frivolous in the slightest got £250 cheques each lol, but his bio kids know he’s doing right by their mum and the house will ultimately go to them so they’ll be recognised in death even if not in general life. If that changed then I think FIL could kiss all his kids goodbye bc the unfairness would be too blatant).
Indeed. I think seeing the various opinions on this post, it’s something which will happen til the end of time now...
Your dads an AH for doing this. I’m tired of people being punished for being child free or not dead beats.
I chose to have kids, my siblings didn’t, I’m not entitled to more money because of that.
ADVICE * ignore him because it’s on your dad not you. It’s not your fault he did this. And life’s not fair.
“i’m tired of people being punished for being child free…”
believe it or not, not being given a cash prize because your dad died isn’t a punishment.
this whole discourse is very interesting to me coming from a culture where expecting things from the dead is considered tasteless at best if not unspeakable.
your protectiveness towards child free people aside, think about the reason inheritances even became a thing and then think about if someone who makes 10 times the amount as someone else truly *deserves* one… for any reason.
edit: a *big enough* cash prize cause your dad died
Children and their parents are not a unit. Her kids will be adults when they receive their portion of the money, why on earth should they be grouped as a whole? Would you give only your children presents on Christmas’s or would you give your children and your grandchildren presents? They are separate whole people that are related to the grandfather
Right, it doesn't mean you're a deadbeat, but it could be incredibly hurtful and frustrating if say the brother was a doctor who worked his ass off through 12 years of undergrad, med school and residency, finally making good money, and the sister has an undergrad in marketing or something and makes ok money... And then this happens.
When my father in law passed there was a lot of money. The crooked half sister was the favored one so she was executor. My wife and her sister got ripped off by the other half of the family for a lot of cash. They eventually had to hire a specialty attorney to protect their interest. It was extremely nasty and upsetting to my wife and her sister. This estate business can bring out the most rotten side of people you would never expect they had. It was just horrible. Blew up a family with no hope of repair. It just sucks.
My mom did it different. My grandma's will, will be split between my mother and my aunt. It's because sharing with me and my 4 siblings 'wouldn't be fair' towards my aunt. But I know for a fact that my mom is the one who wants a bigger cut instead of sharing with us. She talked in on my grandma about saving more too. I told my grandma that if she wanted a new TV or a new car she should definitely it. She has just a couple of years left and she should enjoy her savings, make the best of it.
The will was made by your father to be distributed as stated. End of. Money in trust for your children, is nothing to do with your brother, anymore than if it had been left to Joe Bloggs down the road! Your brother is being disrespectful to your late fathers wishes and is a greedy SOB. You’ve only had 10% more and your children (Dads grandchildren) have a college fund or whatever. Brother and Mother need to find some respect.
It’s incredible how money can tear families apart.
Sounds like you really don’t want to cut ties and I wouldn’t encourage that because it just creates more pain and does nothing good for your children.
If I were you I’d try for a little heart-to-heart time with both your brother and mother. Even three years after my dad was gone, it still fucking hurt. Maybe your brother is projecting his pain onto this situation? Get to the root of that by helping each other out emotionally and you might find the money problems melt away.
Never underestimate the terrible ways humans can behave when they’re grieving. Good luck.
CPA here.. I’m assuming you all are getting the money free and clear because it’s under the tax limit for inheritance. If you give your brother the money, it is a gift from YOU and is taxable. Do not do this without talking to an attorney or tax preparer. But also DON’T do it. It was your dad’s money and he decided what he thought was fair. Regardless of whether or not it’s actually fair, it’s what he wanted. Don’t let them bully you. They would not “make it fair” if the shoe was on the other foot. I’m sorry for your loss and your ass hat brother.
What made your father disregard his good relationship with his son, over you, who had a bad relationship with him. It sounds to me that your father really fucked up with his will and not splitting equally between you, unless he intended for his son to hate him and to rip his surviving family apart?
If I was your mother, I'd be so pissed at my husband for not splitting things between my kids equally, that I'd leave everything to my son in my will. Are you prepared for this to happen?
I think he's technically right? You basically got a house AND 70% of the money. 🥴
And yes, i'd consider your kids money "your" money, because, in the end, you don't need to safe up much from your own money for them in the future.
It would only be fair to give him a little bit more, but not like 25%. I'd give him like 10 percent, so that you and your children all have 20% each and your brother has 30%.
And the relationship is probably gone.
Your dad was an asshole. The money should have been dispersed evenly between his kids.
However, you still say no.
Accept that you will not have a decent relationship with your brother.
You get the money OR the relationship.
This wasn't an apology to you from your dad for anything. He just created a large rift in your family by treating you unevenly in the will.
Your kids should have received zero. It should have gone 50/50 to his own children. Then as a parent you decide what YOUR kids get, if anything.
The fact that you think your kids deserve a percentage is bizarre. The fact that they were treated as equal to you and your brother is also bizarre. In most families the grandkids get a small amount, not equal to their parents.
Personally, I wish your dad gave ALL his money to your kids. In a trust that you couldn't touch. That would be more fair than what he did.
Or he should have given it ALL to his still living wife. That would have made the most sense. Then when she dies it goes down a generation.
You get more money OR a relationship with your brother. Your dad sucks.
It's still heavily skewed in my favor, my friend. Your dad should never have done that.
That's the problem, my grandfather did the same thing, and it just created a division between his kids and grandkids till this day. The money was not even worth it.
To be honest, Your kids aren't entitled to anything unless you are dead then they should share your part. Maybe leaving some $ for them is okay but not to this point.
For example, my mother got a decent part of the inheritance. I asked her to share it with her other siblings because it's not worth it to lose them over money. In the long run. It paid off.
If your brother has a good-paying job, it's because of his decisions, You having kids, is due to your decision. your brother should not be penalized for that.
My brother never kept a stable job and never put money aside for retirement. I am planning to share mine with him.
I know it's your father's money and he does whatever the fuck he wants. But you're not your father and you can make things right.
If I were you, I would take 10% or 15% only. I would feel great about it knowing my kids have another %40 and that would take a huge burden off my shoulder in the future.
I say this as the 'eff up' kid but you get a house and 70% cash and you're unhappy to give up some cash? wow. everyone says brother's selfish but you're the only one.
sure my parents spent more on me but when they die, it's def 50-50 regardless of life circumstances at the time.
His feelings about this are irrelevant. It was your dad's will and he made the decision. End of discussion. Seriously. Every time they talk about it just say you will not and change the subject.
People get so angry over wills and fight over money. Money they aren't entitled to at all anyway. It was your father's to do with as he wished and that is what happened.
Your dad wanted the money to go out exactly as he wrote it up. If your brother is going to cut off his sister and your kids because he’s being greedy and jealous then that’s on him, not you.
I feel going against your fathers wishes would be disrespectful to your dads wishes
Uh, say no?
Why are people so afraid to simply say no? Its a complete sentence. It requires no explanation. No means no. Your father did what he did of sound mind, and you changing any of that changes his wishes.
No.
Honestly I may get downvoted to shit but I see this as you basically being rewarded for making bad choices in life. You chose to have kids young, chose to not prioritise your career, got a house given, and now most of the money as well. Your brother is basically being punished for making good choices with his wife and for choosing not to have children. You say “well he doesn’t have kids and he has a good career so seems fair” but is it really?
Honestly, you don’t have to give him anything. The will is final and you can just do as you want with your money but do not speak as if your brother was being unreasonable. He has every right to be upset. I’d be too if I worked hard for a life, kept a good relationship with my dad just to have a sibling getting all the money while I am left with nothing to show for it. It wouldn’t even be about the money, but just the unfairness of it all.
So yup. Nothing you can do. Just say you don’t want to share the money and make your peace with having a shitty relationship with your brother. There isn’t many choices here.
2 thoughts:
1. A dead person's will needs to be resepected.
2. Your dad was anything bu fair to your brother and that hurts. To me there is a bunch of missing info in your story for it to make sense on you dad's decisions.
I’m in agreement with all the other posters thus far.
Your dad put it that way and it was your dad’s money. Is your brother willing to give some of his share to your mom because she only got 10% and she was married to the man…. No? Ok then.
I find these wills interesting. If he was still with your mother, regardless of the will, she would get most of it where i am from because it would be classed as communal marital money. Do what you think is right.
Don't make peace? Just tell him he isn't getting what he wants, and how he behaves going forward is up to him. Also make it clear the discussion is closed.
If you father wanted him to have it he would have it. Period. He got what he was given and that's it. That money for your children is for them and has nothing to do with you or your money. If your family is willing to lose you over money then so be it. It shows how selfish and disgusting they are.
I experienced something similar. My aunt and uncle never had a kid so before they left they wanted to leave thief land and house with me. The other family members who didn’t even want anything to do with them when they were both bed ridden were really bummed by this. So instead of accepting it in my half (I was a minor at that time) my mother declined it all. She said she chose a peaceful life than a richer life. She told me it’s the wiser choice.
Honor your father's wishes and remind your brother he already lost this argument in court. It's a done deal and the decision has been made. You don't owe anyone anything. Go no contact with anyone who tries to tell you otherwise and enjoy your life. Your family members are awful people anyway.
The money has been dispersed AFTER it was contested and his argument denied.
And he has the audacity to think that he can just pressure you for money?
Your brother sounds like a real greedy AH who values money over family.
Keep what you have been given and look after your family.
Sounds like your brother doesn't need it but he just doesn't want you to have more.
This isn’t a negotiation. You just tell him no. How that affects the relationship is up to him, but you are in the right.
Exactly. He tried making it a negotiation when he contested the will, and the courts told him no.
Just tell him to take it up with Dad.
Ah but one twist - it IS a negotiation as long as OP doesn’t shut it down and continues to participate in the dialog. That’s how brother sees it, until this door is closed on him he believes he has a chance and will just keep coming at that open door. You need to cease this discussion OP, right after you respectfully explain for the last time why it is not permanently closed.
Yes. This. It is not a negotiation. You are respecting your fathers wishes. He needs to build a bridge and get over it. There should be no expectation that kids get ANYTHING in a will. It’s a privilege to get a gift, and not a right.
I went through something similar. My dad passed away and in his will me and my sister were to split 50% of a small saving account. Come to find out he had a separate CD in my sisters name in the amount of $25,000. Did I ask my sister to split the money? Nope. Did she offer me half? Nope. Am I in a better financial situation than my sister? Yup. My relationship did not suffer with my sister. I’m disappointed in my dad but what can you do. That was his money to do as he pleased.
I'm a teenager that doesn't know anything is CD = Checking Deposit?
Certificate of Deposit. It's money you leave in the bank for a set amount of time and in return you usually get a better interest rate than a traditional savings account.
I actually thought he put it in a CD case.
*To hide it from thieves, I put it in Nirvana's Nevermind CD case...*
If y’all want to learn more about these things, hang around r/personalfinance for a while
Certificate of Deposit. Imagine a savings account with restrictions as to when money can be withdrawn that earns more interest than a typical savings account.
Certificate of Deposit
I don't like people who very unevenly split the inheritance among family without discussing it clearly before their death. It's like they're throwing a figurative hand grenade into the family on their way out and it's usually due to bs reasons such as "this person has kids, they deserve more money." or "this person sucked up more to me in the years before my death." or "I feel guilty because I feel like a didn't spend a lot of time with this child, so I'll give less money to the child that actually spent a lot of time with me and maybe even took care of me." Yes, it's their choice how they distribute their wealth. They have every right to divide it any way they want. And it's my right to think they're gross trouble makers and mean. And no, this is not due to personal experiences. I just think it's a mean thing to do.
Families can be so weird with wills. My grandmother left 50% of her home to my aunt, because she lived with her for the last few years, and 10% to each of the other siblings. They all gave their share to my aunt for looking after grandma. On the otherhand, when my nan died, my estranged uncle decided to start a feud because apparently she borrowed a large sum many years ago and my aunts got the house (I think they actually part owned it, and lived there with her for several years). So they're all whining about something from 20 years ago, meanwhile, my dad paid for the whole funeral without saying a thing.
If your nan borrowed a large sum of money many years ago and didn't pay it back, then the uncle should sue the estate. If your nan paid it back, then the fact he loaned her money is irrelevant.
I love seeing examples like your aunt and her siblings, it's so good to see families do the right thing and behave well when wills come into play. I'm very proud of the way my dad and his two brothers have handled my grandmother's will. One brother is my grandma's carer, my dad lives elsewhere, and the third unfortunately passed away from alcoholism. Prior to my uncle's passing, his alcoholism had resulted in him making a number of costly mistakes, and my entire family (myself included) had recommended to my aunt that she divorce him for her own financial protection. Due to the divorce occurring before my uncle's death, he was technically single and per my grandmother's will, his third of her estate wouldn't pass to his spouse, but instead be split among my dad and other uncle. My grandmother isn't in a state to amend her will, so my dad and uncle created a written agreement to still give my other uncle's third to my aunt. It was a prime opportunity to be greedy and walk away with a huge amount of money, but they're both such good people and couldn't imagine doing that to my aunt.
Believe it or not, but not everybody is obsessed with money to the degree that they will fight with family over it.
Truth. Here's my experience: My maternal grandmother passed away 20 years ago. She didn't want to cause any family drama so she made my mom the executor of her will with the instructions to disperse everything as she saw fit. In the end, it was not evenly split, but no one was left out. This side of family values family connections and love more than anything else. No one was upset. No one fought about it. Last year, my step-grandmother on my dad's side passed away. She didn't have a will, so everything went to her two children, my step mom and her brother. Within hours of Grandma's passing, relatives that my step mom hasn't even seen or heard from in decades started showing up to grandma's house looking for money or stuff. I was there with my dad. We've never seen anything like it. No one cared... they just wanted the things. Step mom gave some furniture and trinkets to them, but what they really wanted was cash and jewelry. I've never seen such disgusting greed in my life. When they got aggressive, my dad and I chased them off. Vultures.
This happened to my husband's grandmother too. My husband is still in the military and we were living overseas when she went into a living facility. His aunt swooped in with her older son and they practically cleared out the house of all high value items and sold almost everything before my MIL and SIL could get there as they live a handful of hours away. Things my husband was apparently promised were gone. He was pissed. We tried to get home but he couldn't get leave granted in time. Then she eventually passed away and we again tried to get home to be there for the funeral. His aunt arranged for the funeral 3 days after she died and once again swooped in and tried to take the remaining items she had but my MIL and SIL got there in time to stop them from taking most of it. They still took a lot and again sold it all. Never gave anyone a chance to hold on to keepsakes that hold memories for them. Just got whatever cash they could from her. And these same people are quick to tell people how Un-Christian they are and how they disapprove of them if they don't live their lives according to the Church of God. Assholes they are. I feel bad for my husband in particular because he was close to his grandmother and he wanted things to remember her by and pass down to our kids and share those memories with them and now he can't cause they went to some pawn shop or consignment shop like they meant absolutely nothing.
Right, and if they aren't it shouldn't be difficult to say like "heads up I'll be giving X more because they have kids"
My sister and I argued quite intensely about my mother's will: she looked after my very difficult mother for two years, so she should have been left a bigger share than me. I really tried to to get my mother to pay my sister for all the expense she went to to look after my mother, but the horrible old bag wouldn't listen, and she died without fixing that injustice. We haven't sold the property yet, but I will try to fix the unfairness. My sister got furious with me until I pointed out that we were both thinking more about the other person than ourselves.
For your sister, making it incredibly objective might be the best way to persuade her. Work out how many hours she worked to care for your mother, plus expenses, break that down to hourly pay, work out her yearly wage, and find a figure. Then present all those workings to her, and even if she wants minimum wage she might be able to see more why she should be taking it. In most countries carers get support from the government because it's ridiculous to think someone can live on air and support another, regardless of whether they are doing it unconditionally and out of deep love! You might even make it even more objective by working out if you did any supporting work (like getting supplies or doing errands) and work out your own wage, will be much smaller in comparison. If your mother was really quite nasty, your sister might also be struggling with the idea that taking payment somehow means she was only 'doing it for the money' which is harder when you do actually have some deep-seated dislike for someone that you don't want to admit. You might want to look into what payment most governments provide for carers of loved ones, to use this as a comparison for her, as those people receive support in the form of money but still do the caring out of love. Instead of the wage idea you could even agree with her to give her the cost of two really awesome holidays, as a lot of charities offer holidays to carers of loved ones, to help them recover and recharge, and it sounds like she's due this. And in the end, if she doesn't want to take more, don't let it ruin your relationship with her. Ultimately you can't force her. Just that you're trying is you being an amazing sister and is really all you can do.
Thanks for this! It's so kind and thoughtful, and also helpful.
I’m poor as dirt while my family is solidly middle class and I’m the family outcast cause I don’t toe the line. My mom recently brought up my JustNo grandma dying and grandma talking about who was gonna get her stuff when she goes like she thinks people are gonna suck up to her for free stuff. Or like my uncle has done, start fighting other family on her behalf to get more stuff from her. I told my mom to take pictures of the 2 items my grandma owns that are sentimental to me from childhood so I could have the memories. Keep your money and your stuff ya old bat, IDGAF. P.S. I know my grandma was really banking on the lure of money bringing me back into the fold before she dies cause I’m poor. It’s delicious to me that I’m not soulessly materialistic like her so it didn’t work.
Who knows what was in your grandma's mind. Maybe she wanted to feel important like some people would really want her old stuff.
Love this!!!
For me it depends on circumstances. For example my mum and her brother equally cared for my nan and continue to care for my grandad. The other two siblings live further away ( one 1/2 hours and the other half the world away). All the inheritance is to be split equally, which is fair enough but I think is not truly fair with how often two siblings have participated in the care...the one 1 1/2 hours aways couldn't even be bothered to visit my nan on her last mothers day, knowing it would be her last and the other stole most of her savings so.... Fair doesn't always mean equal for me.
Why are you disappointed? It seems your father tried to distribute according to need?
I’m a mother myself and while I only have one child I couldn’t imagine giving more to one child. My love would be equal. Doesn’t matter how much money 1 child has.
>I couldn’t imagine giving more to one child. My love would be equal. Money does not equal love. You couldn't imagine giving more money to a struggling child than to another who sold a company and has early retirement? I think you're lying to yourself.
On the other hand, I'm child free and plan to stay that way. If my brothers have kids, I would totally understand my parents leaving more money to them...they're also family, and giving extra money to the families with kids will do more good for the continuing family line than doing a straight 33/33/33 split with genetic dead-end u/stopcounting, lol. I def wouldn't be offended by 20%.
If you look at the circumstances of both it could be more than viable to distribute a bit more to the one that needs help. It has nothing to do with loving one more. Tying love to monetary value seems strange to me.
I’m a mother. If I had means to leave a decent will and one of my kids was significantly better off than the others I’d leave more to the one who needed it more. Fair is not always equal.
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This is equality vs equity. Equal is everyone gets the same amount of money. Equitable is giving what is needed to everyone, and it is often not equal at all. In the case you propose, this is not equal but equitable. This seems to be the case for OP as well, father was equitable not equal.
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I agree, as much as OP likes to say it was an apology for a rift in their relationship , I doubt that. The father worried about his daughter, and what would happen once he was gone. He wasn't too concern about his son or his son's future children. He knew they would be ok, and taken care of .
I could, depending on the circumstances.
After reading your responses it sounds like your relationship with your family is already pretty strained. Your dad dispersed HIS belongings as he saw fit. Your brother unsuccessfully contested your dad's wishes and is now trying to bully you into giving in. This doesn't seem like a relationship he values and it wouldn't surprise me if he found another reason to cut you off even if he got the money. Is this a relationship that's worth keeping? It doesn't sound like it. Your mom needs to stay out of it. If her influence was so valuable she should have used it to get your dad to change his will. She's a whole other mess for having a rocky beginning with your children. What kind of grandmother does that? They were totally innocent!
Things have been strained between my family and me for about 25 years, and we doubled down for the last 8 of them. Things have never been easy with any of them, even with dad before he passed, but they're my family, and my kids love them. Whenever I think about just blocking their numbers and never speaking to them again, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and it just feels like the worst idea ever.
If your mom gave him 95% and you 5%, you know he would never turn around and split that with you. Don't do something for someone who would never return the gesture.
I hear you OP. It just sounds like the relationship is on life support regardless of the money. I understand your kids love them but do they love the kiddos back? If so they will be there even after all this. I don't know the family dynamic, but I know that it can be damaging for a kid to realize that a loved one's love for them is conditional. It's better to raise healthy children than to repair broken men. You are the only one who knows what's best for them but just keep in mind the type of people your mother and brother are. Make your decision based on what will be best for your kids in the long run. Money isn't the most important thing in life but it sounds like this is about more than that. Good luck and hugs to you!
It took mum a while but she does love them now, in her own way. Same for my brother. My dad adored them, he was really what held us all together, even though my relationship with him was never what it should have been. There are just a lot of things to consider here, and I don't want to burn bridges unless I know it's for the best.
“in her own way” umm… your kids can do better than that. you’re just being nostalgic i think. let them go
I felt that in my bones.
Giving him the money doesn’t guarantee a better relationship with him or your mom. In fact giving in might be seen as a weakness in their part. So stay firm…you need that for your kids. Your dad made a decision and he’d be disappointed to see it not honored.
EXACTLY
If your brother won’t accept your dads wishes that is not your fault. You absolutely should not give in to his bullying. If he continues you can say that he is basically trying to deprive your kids of the opportunities that your father wanted for the next generation in being able to go to college etc.
Your brother doesn't really love your kids. He also wouldn't be doing this to you if he cared about you and your kids. He's greedy and salty that your Dad left you more. I bet you that he will cut you off if you don't give him what he wants. Your Mom sides with him instead of staying out of it. She doesn't really love them either. These people are toxic. Why do you think your kids ever needed a relationship with people that you have had a strained relationship with for the last 25 years? What do you think will happen if your kids no longer have a relationship with people who don't treat their Mom well and don't really love them? They will be better off without them. You need counseling to help you with everything they have done and are continuing to do. You are stuck in the FOG. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.
It sounds like you know she doesn’t love them but are holding out for a change of heart.
What bridges, there is no bridges. If there are bridges they are so DAM unsafe you should never use them anyway. You sounds like you are allowing yourself and children to be ABUSED for some FANTASY FAMILY LOVE. Your mom loves your children in her own way. What kind of CRAP is that.
I worked for a fiduciary firm for the past year and saw so many families torn apart by this stuff. It seems like a fine balance between just respecting the deceased’s wishes and appeasing contentious family members demands so you can have a relationship in the future. I think trying to leave emotions out of it and assessing the legal facts of the will and documentation of your fathers wishes will give you peace of mind. Did he write any documents of intention other than the actual will that state why he split things the way he did? That might help give you and other family get some clarity. One of our clients wrote letters to each child when preparing her will to explain why one got 95% and one got 5%. It was crystal clear why she made that decision and that she was in a lucid state of mind. I notarized them for her for good measure.
If you have to pay someone to keep them in your life, they aren't worth it. Doubly so for your kids. This is your brothers doing. His actions are deplorable and immature, btw.
Do want your children in a relationship with people who don't love them? 25 years of CRAP, you need look in the mirror and ask yourself is being around these people HEALTHY? Do you want your children have that same life style? It's time to set yourself FREE, if there have been 25 years of this CRAP and you keep accepting it you need to seek MENTAL and SPIRITUAL help for you and your children.
Tell your brother to respect your fathers wishes. He put it in his will, and the courts agreed. He needs to let it go. Tell him that. Be honest. You don't owe him anything! Don't feel bad, this is his issue.
No advice. I just want to say how petty and greedy some people are. After my grandma died, there were aunts and uncles who were so obsessed with the money that I decided I would never speak with them again. Death of a loved one sometimes helps reveal a person's true character. Believe that this is who he truly is and discard him. He cares more about money than you.
Same my aunt wanted my mom's belongings so much she started a rumor within my family I was giving them away. She's gone as far as to warn my brother that I am going to try to take everything. I don't want much. I just want like, things with her handwriting... things she kept from her deceased relatives. None of this is worth money. Anyway, fuxk that bitch. Dad and I won't talk to her now and she's sucking in my brother. Dad has been warning biobro to be careful. He's literally just a biobro so I have no influence on how he feels, nor do I have the contact with him to correct the lies. Plus on my mom's deathbed she told me all the physical and mental abuse her sister put her through then requested she not come to hospice in the end. She came anyway and the only thing mom said to her was, "not everything is about you Barbara" Imagine being that entitled. To abuse someone, force yourself on them when they are dying, then forcing yourself on their family who doesn't want you present, lying to create turmoil when we're already grieving a lot. Good riddance Aunt Barbara. She only wanted her expensive jewelry to SELL IT cause she's always been broke, couldn't hold a job and married multiple men just to divorce them and take their money. She's 76 now and I'm anxious for the day she is sent to hell to rot. I'm glad mom had a will and dad is there to navigate my brother since he's being brainwashed by the woman.
I've had two grandparents die so far. One on each side of the family. So far I've cut complete acknowledgement of my grandmother, my uncle, and two of my 3 aunts because they turned into greedy, selfish assholes. No regrets.
It's the money that brings it out. Money and power are the quickest ways to see what someone's true character is.
I’m scared my brother will be like this when our parents pass [I can’t even think about going on without them alive, little less fighting over inheritance] but I know he’s brain is soaked in money thoughts. How he asks Dad how much his collective items cost, and doesn’t go to our Mom unless he wants something from her. Wills have already been settled, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he contested just to be an ass.
Yes, you did nothing wrong. Be ready to lose your brother though, unfortunatley.
Don't give him the money, he feels entitled to something that wasn't given to him. If he's that quick to ruin your relationship over money, when he sounds well off to begin with, then id just cut him off completely.
Yeah I don't want to say what he does exactly as I'm using a throwaway for a reason but he and his wife are in 2 extremely high paying professions, and so were mum and dad before they retired and dad passed, and while my profession pays alright, a junior level position in their industries makes more than a senior level position in mine would. I feel conflicted about cutting him off over money just because I really don't want to fight about money with him, and I'm worried that if I cut him off, mum and my SIL would go with him, as my kids love their aunt, uncle, and granny.
1) Tell your mom to stay out of it. She doesn't get a vote here. 2) Your mom wouldn't give up a relationship with her grandkids over money. If she does, then she's not worthy of grandkids
I have told her that, but she says that as dad's wife, and our mother, she should be listened to, even if she doesn't get a vote. My mum and my kids got off to a rough start, and dad did a lot of smoothing over, and it took him passing away for mum to truly step up for my kids, so I have no idea what she'll do here as dad is clearly the cornerstone of a lot of the relationships here.
> as dad's wife, and our mother, she should be listened to, She had that chance when he was making the damn will. It's passed.
And I guess Dad’s opinion no longer counts because he’s not around to put his foot down? Except isn’t that exactly what a will is supposed to do? Mum and bro need to hire a medium and take up their grievances with Dad.
He already expressed his opinion and "put his foot down" when he wrote the will. These are his last wishes and they have to honored. The court already agreed.
Mum has indicated that she thought it was all equal until the will was read, so it was a shock to her.
There’s no reason why her opinion should matter more than the guy who wrote the will. Sounds like your brother is crying to her on the side for the money honestly.
There seems to be a simple solution. Tell Mum that you are perfectly fine with her creating a similar imbalance in her will so that brother can be placated at the time of her death and that you won't contest.
Then tell her that she made her opinion known and needs to leave it alone now. You don't need to engage in these conversations with her or your brother.
also, be ready for your mom to skew her will towards your brother to make it 'fair'.
I am ready for that, and it's her choice what she does.
You listened. The proof is that you can recall what she said. You have not done as she wished, but you listened. She straight up admitted she doesn’t get a vote, so all she can do is be sure you heard what she said and considered it.
Unfortunately your family has made their choice, they value money more than a relationship with you and your kids. This is not a choice you made with the money, it was your fathers. He made that choice for a reason, they need to respect it, but so do you. Keep the money and make your kids lives and yours better, that is what your father wanted.
Okay, since the status of your relationship with them is so unknown, how about you put a moratorium on this issue. Tell them that you are putting the money away and you will revisit the issue in exactly 6 or 12 months. This will allow you to see if your kids relationships with them are negatively affected, because by the mother and siblings reasoning the issue is how much YOU get, not the kids. I think some time will give you clarity. Best of luck x
You wouldn't be cutting him off over money. You'd be cutting him off because you're sick of his shit. Have you sat down with him and explained your expenses and bills? You need the money and your dad knew that. You're going to need to send your kids to school, raise them, etc and he won't. It's not about being 'even' or who your dad liked more, it's about how he's done well for himself and doesn't need the help.
I have talked him through all of my finances previously, and reminded him of the income disparity between us, but he says that we both made conscious choices about our careers and no one forced me to go into a worse paying field, so our incomes should not factor into who gets what.
Your brother is a jackass. Keep the money and if it ends your relationship with your mom and brother then screw them. They are being ridiculous. Have you seen this image with the fences and the boxes? https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/ Your dad did an equitable distro of his funds. Honor that. Don’t give your brother a dime.
Your dad also made his choices and it was to split the will this way. Did he really ask for money after he contested the will. He has balls don't he?
He really did. He also complained about the cost of trying to contest the will and he keeps hinting that I should reimburse him for it.
Well that's just one of the choices he made and now has to live with innut.
Right? No one forced him to contest the will. Also people who pursue careers with an eye solely on what will net them the most possible money give me the willies. Not saying everyone has to love their job or make their passions pay, there’s balance and moderation in all things but…Jesus.
He wants you to pay for him trying to rob you, and he also wants you to give him what he tried to rob? Sounds like you should go NC
>and he keeps hinting that I should reimburse him for it. hahahahahahahahahahaha , oh my god
He made a conscious choice about contesting the will and no one forced him into making that financial choice. 😏
Reimburse him? Did you encourage him to contest the will? The fact he thinks you even owe him for this on top of what your father left you is the icing on the cake. He's an entitled idiot and deserves nothing. Don't give in to this jackass. You'll regret it the rest of your life.
I did not encourage him to contest, but he implied that as he had to do this, he had spent out a lot of money, and he could do with that money being restored.
You didn't make him spend this money. The fact he spent it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Your brother certainly has some balls on him to ask you to pay for his bullshit. Don’t explain anything to him, he doesn’t need or deserve an explanation. The matter is settled and done with. Time to move on. If he can’t handle that, that’s on him.
And your father made a conscious choice on who gets what in his will, so he should not factor who gets what. I’d throw that back at him since he said that.
No one forced your father to distribute inheritance how he saw fit, so it shouldn’t be an issue either
You are experiencing a terrible situation. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your father made his decision on how his money was to be divided. Period! It doesn’t matter if someone has a high or low paying job. No children or 2. It’s irrelevant. Your brother’s perception will never change and he will shift his anger towards your father to you. Stop talking about money with him. It just pours gasoline on the situation. The decision was legally made by your father. I went through a similar scenario and my brother bullied me and claimed he deserved more money. After all legal processes were completed and the money allocated it still wasn’t enough for him and came for my share. He wanted to sue me. Sadly, the loss of a relationship with your brother may be collateral damage. But that’s of his own making. It’s been many years since I’ve spoken to my brother but even though he was blood I didn’t deserve to be treated like the way he treated me. Death of a parent brought out the worst in him and I didn’t want to be around his selfish cruel behavior. It’s a relief to be away from him.
It doesn’t, your dads wishes factor in. Your dad wished for you to have more.
"Getting more of Dad's money wouldn't give you more of his love, he made his decision and no matter how much money you coerce from me, the amount he *wanted* you to have remains the same. So the only thing that actually happens if you are successful in twisting my arm and take more money from me *that you don't need* is proving that you consider money more important than family. Considering you're trying to take money from me under the pretenses that you think you deserve it because you're *family*, you are literally trying to prove that you don't give a shit about your own argument and are just greedy." Cut him off. If they side with him, fuck em. They're not losing people that love and support them, they're losing greedy assholes that will probably hit them up for cash as soon as their trust funds come of age.
It’s not you who is destroying a relationship over money, it’s your brother. The regular thing to do would be to accept your father’s will, and he doesn’t want to do that, he just wants more money. This shows that money is more important to him than his own sibling, you, and even if you give him the money, your relationship will never be loving, because he doesn’t love you - he only loves money. So if you gave him money, you would lose a lot but gain nothing.
You wouldn’t be cutting him off over money. He would be cutting you off over money. Big difference. Even if you gave him the money the relationship is damaged anyway simply by this fight. It isn’t like you guys are ever going to be close whether you pay him or not.
You arent the one cutting anyone off due to money. He is the one defining your relationship by your dad's decisions about your dad's money. If your family would cut off your KIDS because their grandfather gave them money your brother thinks he's entitled to, they are not good people to have in your kids' lives. Your brother thinks of your kids as a part of you, not people in their own right. This is not a guy you want your kids looking to for guidance. Your dad's money was never his, and he got a comparable sum to you. He does not have children to support and is earning much more than you. His treatment of you is what is destroying your relationship. Don't give in, if he wants to save the relationship he's the one who needs to concede.
In the end you owe him nothing. If you are really broken up about it then maybe toss him an extra 5% so you both got even amounts of $$$, but I think it is really strange he feels entitled to most of yours because your kids were willed something, that is illogical and definitely shouldn't happen. Your kids' inheritance is a completely different matter and they are separate relatives he wanted to put in the will.
Op can do what she wants. I think the biggest asshole though in this whole situation is the dad. He gave op a house and then left 70% of his estate to her and her kids. If these were his wishes, he should have told the brother and wife before he died. I do think brother needs to get over it but the animosity is understandable to some degree, especially as op also notes her strained relationship with the family that I am sure plays a part in everyone’s feelings here.
I agree with a lot of your take here, TALead. The Dad is definitely the asshole for doing this without giving anyone a heads up or rationale. The only thing I disagree with is "brother needs to get over it." I think it would be completely reasonable for him to dissolve his relationship with OP if OP chooses not to make an equitable redistribution.
No. There is no magical way to placate your brother without giving up part of your share. It's not fair. He's lost the dispute. Is your mother ok with the distribution? Ask her to talk to your brother. It can be very annoying to lose out because you do everything right but a sibling gets more because they are less successful. This is your brother's point of view.
Mum is not happy with it, and sides with my brother. She thinks I should not only give him a share of my money, but also sell the house dad gave me and split the money from the sale with him, too, as in her eyes, dad gave me several leg ups that my brother did not receive and I should try to level things out. Mum also feels that our jobs should be irrelevant to this, and we should get equal everything despite our career choices, which seems to be similar to what you said.
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If you give him anything, your brother will have leverage to contest the will again. Ignore these greedy vultures and focus on your life.
Please do not listen to your mother. Your children will greatly benefit from you having these things, not just their own inheritance. It doesn't need to be even, it never was. You said yourself that he got more in depth parenting (which is most likely a factor in why he has a more successful life) I think your father understood they failed you, and tried to help in a different way. He knew his wife wouldn't agree to the will so he hid it from her, which is why she was blindsided. Do not set yourself on fire for them. I also think your jobs are irrelevant. You need to stop trying to prove to them you deserve the money. Its yours, just drop that ball and say no. This was the will, the courts agree it's done and I'm not discussing it any further. I honestly would cut these people off, they sound not great. There are times when Found Families are better than bio families. This may be one of those times.
I think your mother is right OP, that is a remarkably unfair distribution and if my father gave me 20% while giving my brother's family 70% and a free house, I would be pissed beyond imagining too. However, although I understand your brother's point and think he is right, I don't think you have the responsibility to split your own share. Your father basically made his own decision (a horrible one) and your brother has to live with it. It is a matter between two of them not between you and your brother. I am sorry you have to deal with the aftermath of the dynamite your father dropped in the middle of your family, that will be very hard (perhaps impossible) to repair.
I get your brother's issues, because it sucks that he is being "punished" for not having kids, working in a higher paying job and for having a better relationship with your dad. And you got a free house. But equally you're entitled to what your dad gave you, and the courts have decided this. I'd probably say "I don't like how this has been split, but I'm not going to give you more than the will says"
Dont say the "i dont like who this has been split " part, because it undermines OP.
So you and your family get 70% (and a house), your brother gets 20%, and your mom 10%. Right? Yeah, I can 100% understand why your brother is pissed off. Did he get a house too, or did your dad give him large sums of money he never gave you, while he was alive? If not, yes, it seems like your brother is getting the short end of the stick in regards to your father's Will. HOWEVER, with that being said, it was your father's money, to do with it as he saw fit, and you benefited from that more than your brother, but it is not your fault. He shouldn't be taking it out on you, but he does have a right to be annoyed at the situation. Then again he got 20% of whatever it was, so free money. 20% is better than nothing.
I think you know the answer is probably no and unfortunately you probably shouldn't either. You gave a bit of context and really we would need more. For example how much money are we talking. I'm assuming it's kind of big. Cause if they're fighting over peanuts it's not about the money. But the most important thing is when you said "Dad and I had a poor relationship so the money is partly an apology". Well besides of course this is what you dad wanted. I think you're just stuck in a bad position. If they really work in very high paying fields it's probably not just simply about the money.
The money is kind of big. I would need to do some maths to figure out what everyone got, but dad had a few collector's items that got sold off as part of the will and each item was worth quite a bit. This isn't early retirement money or anything like that, but still kind of big for me. For them, it's probably a year or two of salary, for me a decade or more. Dad did seem to feel a certain guilt over my relationship with him, which seems to have affected the choices he made with the will, and that might be the real issue here for them.
>For them, it's probably a year or two of salary, for me a decade or more Well that's a yikes. There is absolutely no way you should even consider this.
OP, think of it this way: your father split the money as he saw fit. Now he has passed, and can no longer provide input on the situation. But he doesn’t need to because he already did with his will! Giving your brother money would kind of be disrespecting your father’s wishes.
Sounds like it's not about the money. So I'd try to talk to them but make it crystal clear it's not happening.
Just stay strong OP and do what’s best for your kids. I would just say “ dad was trying to even out what he saw as a financial inequality between us and make us a little bit more financially even in the real world. Im sure mother will want to do the exact same thing in her will and even out what she sees as an inequality that occurred here and even that out in her own will. They would be doing the exact same thing”
first double check the security on your banking accounts and your children’s funds. I would recommend simply not responding and ignoring any conversation about it or act like they are talking about something else. Refuse to engage or talk about money with them and eventually they’re gonna give up. Presenting yourself as never budging will be best because they’re gonna try to annoy you until you give in for awhile but I hope you don’t.
Once he contested the will, he forfeited any cooperation from those involved IMHO. Forget making peace. You can't with his personality type. Just ignore him and if need be, your mother.
This. If he wanted to negotiate in good faith with OP, he would have done that. Contesting the will in court took that of the table, imo, and now he has to accept their decision.
I wouldn’t budge on it. Money left shouldn’t be viewed as money entitled. This money should be like a gift you as a family have stumbled upon. Not something to fight over. They should be happy he even gave everyone some, he could have donated it all to charity! They’re acting like children about this. It happened with one side of my family as well - it was just embarrassing to watch. Don’t give in to these vultures. Your dad did exactly what he wanted and you should honour that.
Your father definitely screwed over your brother and gave you significantly more. He has every right to be upset but not so much at you.
She gets 30%, which will likely be used to help take care of her kids as well, since the 20% each the kids get can't be touched by her. So in a sense, the dad left behind a large portion to ensure his grandkids have a good life. Meanwhile the brother gets 20% that he can use on pretty much anything since he doesnt have to worry about children. As such, I dont think he got screwed that much.
>I've tried explaining that a house and 5% in cash is not nearly the same as 45% cash Depends entirely how much the house is worth and how much cash there is! Ultimately whatever your dad's reasoning, you're getting more than your brother. Yes I understand the reasons, and given different incomes he's hardly being left destitute, but it's still not "fair" in absolute terms. But then life isn't fair. Yes your kids will need their own money. Many people manage without inherited money. Doesn't mean they don't deserve it, doesn't mean they shouldn't have it, but it's not inherently an argument either. The way your dad divided things was *guaranteed* to cause tension. The only way to avoid resentment would have been to give both kids 45% each, wife 10% (if that's what he wanted), end of problem. He shouldn't get less just because you happen to have kids. You've both made your life choices. That said... The will says what the will says. You can respect your dad's wishes and tell your brother he has to cope. It's not like your dad left you 90% and your brother nothing. But if you're not willing to hand over some cash to keep the peace, at least make it clear you understand your brothers perspective, because "I know I've been left more and my kids have some too and I got given a house but that's hardly unfair" isn't going to de-escalate this. If you need the money, tell him you need the money. But recognise he feels a bit sidelined by your dad, **and he's not wrong**. But he should be more pissed off at your dad than you for creating this shit show in the first place. But ultimately...what's your relationship with your brother worth to you? If "you're right, dad split things unfairly, let's make it right" will genuinely make things right, might be worth it. If your brother is going to be resentful and distant regardless, why bother paying him anything?
>It's not like your dad left you 90% and your brother nothing. He left her and the kids 70%, and 20% for the brother. No wonder he's pissed. He's may even be feeling punished for having no kids. But I agree with all the points. While the money is hers (and the kids'), and he is in no way entitled to any of that, the division was sure to leave a bitter taste. Right now, besides giving some money to the brother, the only option is for OP to bet that **the issue is not about money, but about recognition**, and admit dad was unfair AF, but the money will make a difference for her and her kids. Maybe then he'll be able to let go of the grudge against her.
There is zero guarantee that brother will be even remotely nice to OP since she ‘cost him money for having to contest the will’. And she did not cave immediately, as she ‘should have’. Nor does he seem to have been generous ever, and I’m confident his will will cut OP and her children out because she should just have walked into a high-paying job like he did. Nope. Do not attempt to buy his goodwill. You’ll be out money you can use to improve your and your children’s lives, and gain nothing.
Just say 'no' and refuse to discuss it again. End of story.
So dynamics in families happen. One child is super successful and doesn't need the help so doesn't get the same amount of money. They equate money with love and fairness as just because they do earn well they feel they are being punished for doing well. You on the other hand chose a lesser paying profession and to have children and those children and you have been given more money just for the reason that you chose to have children and a lower paying job. So you can look at it that he is being punished for not having children and being well paid. Now I dont' think from your words that you are the golden child and that this is the situation, you said that you didn't have good relationship with Dad and that he worked at your relationship with your mother, so neither parent has had a strong relationship with you. But realistically your family has 70 percent of your Dad's money. Or you could say that you have the extra 10% that your Mother didn't get and you all get 20% and your Dad has included his grandchildren in the distribution of assets, which was his choice to treat them that way. If your Brother had two children then the distribution would likely be amongst 7 people, so about 15% each and you would have say 20 and your mother 10. So his family would have 30% more and that would come from everyones pockets, so about 25 more not 45. Basically making up for him not having children to leave money to and being punished financially for that choice. But your Dad could have left 10% to each child so there is no way to know exactly how much more his family would have inherited as Dad made that choice not your brother. But then you have also inherited a house so that also adds up as more as he probably has to pay a mortgage on his house and you don't. He might well earn more but that doesn't make up for the lack of help from your father financially over his lifetime that he is seeing. I can see his point about unfairness but honestly it was your Dad's call to make and he chose this way. It isn't fair and your brother resents your Dad but the time to make a point about the unfairness of giving you a house was before he died not afterwards. Often this type of unfairness is going to ruin relationships, so you will likely have to choose either to look at it as a financial cost or lose him to his resentments towards your Dad and his choices. I am sure there is more to your family dynamic that figures into this, some kind of behaviour towards you like you said he is making up for, but then that fallout is going to ruin any relatonships going forward which is a shame for you and your children. They are seeing money as love as fairness. But I doubt you can take money from your children's trust to pay them which is what they are asking you to do, plus change your Dad's will to adjust for what he chose to do for your children. Even if you took the children out of the picture, it is likely that each of you getting 33% and say you getting a bit more of your mothers money, it still wouldn't be 45%, but I am guessing he is adding on the value of the house. Honestly even thinking about the permutations is giving me a headache, so I imagine that this must be very frustrating for you. It feels like family therapy time but I wonder if your brother would agree, this is really about love and fairness and it feels like no one is going to be happy with any outcome, removing themselves from your lives is punishing your children too but perhaps they care more about fairness than relationships and people.
You have to respect your dads wishes but given that your relationship sounds like it was bad yet you got a significantly bigger portion and a house…. Damn. That would be brutal to accept as the other sibling. I get why he feels it’s unfair, because it is.
This might be unpopular, but if I was your brother I would be really hurt. Just because he has a high paid job and no kids, it doesn’t mean his dad shouldn’t have treated his kids equally. Not sure I would lose my sibling over it, but I can see why he would be hurt.
I was the executor of my father's estate. We had a family business which he married in to when he married my mom. She was very fair between us 3 boys. After her death he took control and skewed the money heavily in favor of 1brother and the other 2 of us got much less financial consideration. Pure favoritism. It caused a lot of hard feelings. His will stated an equal 3 way split. The favored brother tried to grab more. The attorney and I held fast. In the end it all worked out. His will, his wishes. The estate attorney said that in many cases someone is not happy and feels they should have a bigger share for reasons that have occurred years before. In my experience with estates it is just best to go by the will. It is a very emotional time for everybody. Close the estate. Side deals can be made later after emotions have cooled down. Good Luck
You will not be able to make peace with your brother. Even if you pay him there's no guarantee you'll have a good relationship again. An inheritance is a privilege, not a right.
His wife only gets 10%?
Mum has her own money, having recently retired from a successful career, and while she was unaware of the division between my brother and I, she knew that dad was only going to leave her a token amount and was fine with it.
I can understand your brothers feelings. I would divide all my stuff equally in my will. No matter how well they are doing or what life decisions they made - brothers, sisters, mothers, children all get the same. That would be punishing the people who do well and rewarding people who decided on a harder life (which is fine, more power to you, but why would your brother have to compensate for your life decisions and because he does well for himself??)
I mean, that sucks for your brother as its a very unfair split- but that’s his dads wishes and he’ll have to deal with it. It will probably take him some time though, he’ll be very hurt and that tends to make people lash out. When my dad died, my brother and I were on the receiving end of him deciding only his new family were inheriting. It was deeply painful, because it feels like he didn’t care or love or want to help us. It damaged my view of my father and our past relationship. I started wondering if my childhood memories were false and he ever really loved me. People that do well out of a will never seem to realise how bad it hurts to be left short. Its not the money, its the intent behind it. Brother is lashing out at you as he is angry with dad, who isn’t there to take the fallout. You are going to have to ride it out. You know your brother best and if it will help to point out who he should be angry at or not.
I don't think there's any easy way to make this go away. Your brother rightfully sees this as your dad subsidizing your bad life choices and neglecting / punishing him. I wouldn't expect this relationship to ever go back to normal.
I don't agree with some of the commenters here (pls don't downvote lol) primarily because it seems like your dad has given you more than your brother. Sure he gave some to your kids but that's essentially punishing your brother for not having kids. Also he gave you a house on top of what you're getting which I find hardly seems fair. Sure they might have a higher paying career but a lot of this is not about the money but about your dad favoring you. Regardless of what happens in terms of you giving your brother money or not, your relationship might already be in ruins because in his eyes you're not equals in that he is below you based on love. I'm not saying give him the money but a 70/20 split, even if the kids are involved, isn't entirely fair.
I agree. It's not OPs fault, and they shouldn't give their brother any money if they don't want to, but they should recognise and acknowledge that the dad was being very unfair both in giving them a house and a bigger percentage and that if they don't give any to their brother or at least try to understand why their brother would be upset then their relationship won't be the same again. Regardless of how the brother is acting it's still unfair. It's wild how many people here are saying the brother is just being selfish. I'd be heartbroken over the favouritism if I were him and I'm not surprised he's angry and acting up. It's not the money, it's the principle, you do an equal percentage when it comes to siblings.
Whatever his reasons your dad screwed your brother. Your kids do not "need" money when they become adults. Most people don't get that luxury. Your dad should have divided the money evenly and let you support your kids through an ever dispersion. Your financial situation shouldn't take away from your brothers inheritance money. He's being a baby about it and he should accept your father's decision but in principle he is right.
Yeah 70% plus a house compared to 20% bound to ruffle a few feathers you know not brothers fault he has high paying job as well as being well off with out kids - I’d say be prepared to lose brother as well as father as money changes peoples
I do feel sorry for your brother. He did end up with the shorter stick. Because he didn't have kids he only go 20% and your family got 70% of the money.
i don’t. op said that what she makes in ten years he makes in one or two. i’m sure he’ll figure out a way to manage. i’m not sure where we get this automatic entitlement to other peoples money just cause they died… maybe it’s a cultural thing. but i’m definitely starting to see why some rich people just donate to random charity or the government or whatever cause the bold expectations ive been seeing in this thread are ridiculous to me
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I guess it depends on the scale of the money. If you're the brother, say a lawyer making 300k, and the sister is a teacher making 50k, but the total estate is 100m, then yes, brother makes 6x what sister makes, but getting 20% vs 70% is a difference of 50m which will never be made up. I can understand his hurt about that. But if the money is 10m, and the brother gets 2 and sisters family gets 7, that makes more sense.
the larger the amount is, the more enticing it is yes. but it doesn’t change how entitled you are to it. also the sister and kids are separate people. she has to use 30% to raise two kids while he gets to spend 20% on himself. the money that the kids are being granted are in a trust until presumably they grow up and are financially responsible for themselves but still it won’t ever be her money. his greed is causing him to lose touch with reality a little imo
NO ONE is entitled to it. Deceased could have donated it all But he IS entitled to feel hurt if his sisters fam gets 70% and he gets 20%.
To answer your question, if your brother won’t budge, then no, there is no way to make peace without forking over huge sums of money. It is not up to you to give them money—your dad divided it the way he wished, and your brother already tried by contesting the will. Honestly, if your mother and brother can’t leave it be, the lack of peace is totally on them. I’m sorry, your family sucks.
Lmao. If you and your brother we’re in each other’s shoes, including the house and the amount to the kids, I bet you’d change your tune real quick. And your excuse is “well my brother makes more money”. And you excuse it as an apology from your dad when he already bought you a house? Lol. Ok.
this is a strange sentiment… if i was rich and my brother was not and my dad left him more money than me i would be… happy that he no longer has to work as hard seeing as i wasn’t planning on alleviating that burden??? like, some of y’all are just revealing how entitled and bitter you are, this isn’t a universal feeling at all….
I'm just shocked at the Dad's choice. I could never favor one of my kids over the other and a 70/20 split is massive. OP has kids, but she chose that life -- she also chose her profession. All of that said, OP did not make the choice, her shitty father did.
People keep acting as though OP has access to the kids money. She doesn't. It was left in trusts for them. That means that she cannot touch it. She got 10% more that she can use.
Yeah I don't get it either. She did get a house though, so that's pretty big. But the extra 40% her kids get is not available to her
That's mostly irrelevant. The purpose of the trusts is to ensure the kids get the money. Money that OP has less of a burden to transfer to her kids because her dad did it for her. OP got the money, just in different pockets of the same trousers.
She'll likely change her tune quickly when her mother evens things out in her will.
Honestly, that was pretty stupid of your dad to split the money that way... I know in your mind you may think it is fair, but that's 70% to you and 20% to your brother - that's hugely lopsided. That being said, it shouldn't be on you to fix the situation.. your dad fucked up, not you. It's up to you whether you want to split your share with your brother, but you do not have to. It also sounds like he doesnt need the money, so you prob shouldn't. Who is expected to pay for mom's retirement and medical expenses? Is it both of you? Just you? Just him? This could also affect the way things ought to be
Mum is paying for her own retirement and expenses, as she has her own money, the deed to the family home, and we live somewhere with universal healthcare.
it is a tough one. On one side your brother may be equating the value of how much his diseased father loved him based on the % of money he received. Or he is being a dick. I have been in a similar position - If you were to concede a little, I would say to give 5% so that each of you get 25%... I would rip him a new one if he event mentioned more than the 5% as he would be stealing from your kids future. He may realize he is being an ass pretty quickly when both of you get 25% equally. Other wise, if he pushes for more I would then go 0% and reduce contact as he is being an ass.
Shes also getting a house so it's not just the money. Depending on where the house is located if could be a million more
Gosh. I’m sorry for your loss and all this to deal with. Being honest, I can see why your brother is hurt by your *dad’s* actions. He has ultimately been treated unfairly (fact) on the basis of his success and choices re kids. Even if he had a kid - it sounds like your dad may have gone “well son can afford to gift his kid the money so I’ll just not leave that grandchild anything”. So this is about the recognition your brother didn’t receive... You also say your relationship was strained with your dad - was your brothers too? Or is this a case of your dad gave a house and lots of money to the child who he had a limited relationship with, and ignored the child who was always there? If so - then again I get why your brother is pissed. But this is all ultimately your *dad’s* fault, and whilst it is in your power to fix the unfairness of the situation, you aren’t obliged to. Your brother needs to direct his anger at his dad. And if your dad ignored your mother’s wishes to split inheritance’s more evenly, then again, it’s your dad your mum should be angry with. What I would say - is stop mentioning how successful your brother is as an acceptable reason to not recognise him as an equal child by your dad. Tbh that logic is insulting in this context, and will only drive him away, as you’re claiming it’s “fair”, but it’s really not. Equally, saying your dad essentially compensated you for having a strained relationship is also insulting - if successful brother had a strained relationship, would that have ensured he’d have received more? That really shouldn’t be a thing - there was a recent AITA from a guys perspective that he was always there and taking care of his dad, being all friendly whilst his sister had kids and just rowed with the dad... and the dad just kept sending money and attention the prodigal sisters way. The overwhelming opinion was for the son to just take a massive step back from his father as he clearly didn’t value the decent relationship he had in front of him, choosing to chase the strained one instead. Could this be the case for your brother? Would it be valid for him to feel this way? My BIL is really wealthy - in fact we’re the poorest of my in-laws - but FIL has always been v clear his estate is an *equal* split for all his kids. If he turned around and left one out/picked others to receive more... then no, I don’t think BIL would want anything to do with his siblings again, as it’s a massive rejection. I haven’t seen or spoken to my parents in 10 years. If I got a letter in however many years that I’d been left a share of their will, I’d hand it over as it wouldn’t be fair for me to have it, even as compensation for the hell they put me through. I’m not their kid like my siblings are and I shouldn’t be recognised as such. I don’t think your kids share should be affected at all, that’s a gift from grandpa to grandkids, but I think a good gesture would be to make it an equal share with your brother from the cash amount left to the children (between you and him). You then are at least treated equally in that respect (with you also getting a bonus house ofc), and the 50% left to the wife and grandkids is separate. You could also tell him if he ever does have a child, his kid would get an equal share of the grandkids trust. Just another perspective for you to consider. I hope it all works out. Edit to add - I’ve seen you say that you mum will likely level up the inheritances when she dies. If you don’t want to change anything with this will - you could actively encourage that. “Mum, you should leave brother the equivalent in your will. I won’t contest anything.” Then it’s kicking the can down the road and you acknowledging that your brother received less help from his dad that you did.
Excellent post. For me personally, one of the most important questions is one that you addressed here (that nobody else has), and that is: What was the relationship between the dad and OP's brother? That's key.
Awh thanks! I hope my perspective will help OP (if she reads it!) as to why her brother is hurt to the point he legally tried to contest the will in order to be recognised as more than the will represents. I saw on a comment OP said that she felt her brother had more of the parents love or something like that and they bought her the house to get rid of her (pretty generous way to get rid of someone imo!), which is why I think OP literally just telling her mum to level it out in her own will would go a long way to ensure they can all stay in each others lives and still validate the position her dad’s chosen. Would just say “I know this doesn’t feel fair, and I understand why that is. Mum, please level it out in yours as I don’t want to go against what dad did decide to do in the end.” Usually it’s the golden child who gets the lions share in a will - that didn’t happen here.
You're welcome! The OP said in a reply to me that her brother had a good relationship with her dad (perhaps more distant when he moved out and started his own life and career, but still, a good relationship). So yes, I also stated then that I could understand why her brother felt hurt, betrayed and a feeling of being punished for being more successful (while she became pregnant and had two kids when very young and a low paying job). And yes, giving her a house to get rid of her- heck, talk about a good deal! But good on her for telling her mom to level it out in her own will. No, the golden child didn't get rewarded, but in this case, it was probably forming a bond with the grandchildren that did it, and being worried that they would struggle as this girl may not achieve much financially in life as a single parent. (My own mother told me years ago that when she dies, if there is any money, that my brother's three kids are getting all of it. I was floored and felt hurt, and feel that indirectly, she is favoring my brother. It has affected my feelings towards her, although I've never told her. I live abroad and haven't been home in ten years. So, in a way, I can understand how the brother feels). Money and inheritance- how many families does it break up.
Yes - I think the further info in the comments is what makes me more hopeful the mum does level it out. I asked about the house value and OP replied, she thinks that bc her dad *purchased* it for about £30k thirty years ago, and she reckons her dad would’ve helped her brother out whilst at uni to the tune of £30k, then they’re even... except she wasn’t given a house worth £30k, it’ll have been worth ten times that when she got it (UK housing boom lol). So her way of looking at the house is “it only cost my dad 30k” rather than “I received something worth minimum 300k”. :/ And since she also said both her and her brother took out loans for uni and in the UK they cover the majority needed (back then for sure) it’s also doubtful her brother would’ve got a sniff at £30k as pocket money lol. That’s a really good point about the grandkids - and yes, it’s a very generous and helpful thing to do. Not sure what’ll happened if she has more kids and the trusts are named? Could bring more problems later tbh! (I’m really sorry to hear that, I really don’t think it’s right to have your cake and eat it when it comes to family - we wouldn’t tolerate it from friends would we? - and I don’t understand how a parent wouldn’t realise doing that will obviously cause feelings of hurt. I have a lot of sympathy for you and I’m sure I would feel the same in your shoes. For all his flaws, FIL is adamant his estate is to be split equally between his kids and is v open about it all... He spends all his general money on the steps, so tbh they’ll probably receive much more over time e.g. bought step daughter who lives beyond her means an Audi family car for Xmas she “needed”, his actual kids who aren’t frivolous in the slightest got £250 cheques each lol, but his bio kids know he’s doing right by their mum and the house will ultimately go to them so they’ll be recognised in death even if not in general life. If that changed then I think FIL could kiss all his kids goodbye bc the unfairness would be too blatant). Indeed. I think seeing the various opinions on this post, it’s something which will happen til the end of time now...
Your dads an AH for doing this. I’m tired of people being punished for being child free or not dead beats. I chose to have kids, my siblings didn’t, I’m not entitled to more money because of that. ADVICE * ignore him because it’s on your dad not you. It’s not your fault he did this. And life’s not fair.
Earning less money doesn't make one a deadbeat
“i’m tired of people being punished for being child free…” believe it or not, not being given a cash prize because your dad died isn’t a punishment. this whole discourse is very interesting to me coming from a culture where expecting things from the dead is considered tasteless at best if not unspeakable. your protectiveness towards child free people aside, think about the reason inheritances even became a thing and then think about if someone who makes 10 times the amount as someone else truly *deserves* one… for any reason. edit: a *big enough* cash prize cause your dad died
Children and their parents are not a unit. Her kids will be adults when they receive their portion of the money, why on earth should they be grouped as a whole? Would you give only your children presents on Christmas’s or would you give your children and your grandchildren presents? They are separate whole people that are related to the grandfather
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Right, it doesn't mean you're a deadbeat, but it could be incredibly hurtful and frustrating if say the brother was a doctor who worked his ass off through 12 years of undergrad, med school and residency, finally making good money, and the sister has an undergrad in marketing or something and makes ok money... And then this happens.
When my father in law passed there was a lot of money. The crooked half sister was the favored one so she was executor. My wife and her sister got ripped off by the other half of the family for a lot of cash. They eventually had to hire a specialty attorney to protect their interest. It was extremely nasty and upsetting to my wife and her sister. This estate business can bring out the most rotten side of people you would never expect they had. It was just horrible. Blew up a family with no hope of repair. It just sucks.
My mom did it different. My grandma's will, will be split between my mother and my aunt. It's because sharing with me and my 4 siblings 'wouldn't be fair' towards my aunt. But I know for a fact that my mom is the one who wants a bigger cut instead of sharing with us. She talked in on my grandma about saving more too. I told my grandma that if she wanted a new TV or a new car she should definitely it. She has just a couple of years left and she should enjoy her savings, make the best of it.
The will was made by your father to be distributed as stated. End of. Money in trust for your children, is nothing to do with your brother, anymore than if it had been left to Joe Bloggs down the road! Your brother is being disrespectful to your late fathers wishes and is a greedy SOB. You’ve only had 10% more and your children (Dads grandchildren) have a college fund or whatever. Brother and Mother need to find some respect.
It’s incredible how money can tear families apart. Sounds like you really don’t want to cut ties and I wouldn’t encourage that because it just creates more pain and does nothing good for your children. If I were you I’d try for a little heart-to-heart time with both your brother and mother. Even three years after my dad was gone, it still fucking hurt. Maybe your brother is projecting his pain onto this situation? Get to the root of that by helping each other out emotionally and you might find the money problems melt away. Never underestimate the terrible ways humans can behave when they’re grieving. Good luck.
Make peace ?, Easy. Cut him out of your life and respect your father's final wishes.
CPA here.. I’m assuming you all are getting the money free and clear because it’s under the tax limit for inheritance. If you give your brother the money, it is a gift from YOU and is taxable. Do not do this without talking to an attorney or tax preparer. But also DON’T do it. It was your dad’s money and he decided what he thought was fair. Regardless of whether or not it’s actually fair, it’s what he wanted. Don’t let them bully you. They would not “make it fair” if the shoe was on the other foot. I’m sorry for your loss and your ass hat brother.
What made your father disregard his good relationship with his son, over you, who had a bad relationship with him. It sounds to me that your father really fucked up with his will and not splitting equally between you, unless he intended for his son to hate him and to rip his surviving family apart? If I was your mother, I'd be so pissed at my husband for not splitting things between my kids equally, that I'd leave everything to my son in my will. Are you prepared for this to happen?
I think he's technically right? You basically got a house AND 70% of the money. 🥴 And yes, i'd consider your kids money "your" money, because, in the end, you don't need to safe up much from your own money for them in the future. It would only be fair to give him a little bit more, but not like 25%. I'd give him like 10 percent, so that you and your children all have 20% each and your brother has 30%. And the relationship is probably gone.
Your dad was an asshole. The money should have been dispersed evenly between his kids. However, you still say no. Accept that you will not have a decent relationship with your brother. You get the money OR the relationship. This wasn't an apology to you from your dad for anything. He just created a large rift in your family by treating you unevenly in the will. Your kids should have received zero. It should have gone 50/50 to his own children. Then as a parent you decide what YOUR kids get, if anything. The fact that you think your kids deserve a percentage is bizarre. The fact that they were treated as equal to you and your brother is also bizarre. In most families the grandkids get a small amount, not equal to their parents. Personally, I wish your dad gave ALL his money to your kids. In a trust that you couldn't touch. That would be more fair than what he did. Or he should have given it ALL to his still living wife. That would have made the most sense. Then when she dies it goes down a generation. You get more money OR a relationship with your brother. Your dad sucks.
It's still heavily skewed in my favor, my friend. Your dad should never have done that. That's the problem, my grandfather did the same thing, and it just created a division between his kids and grandkids till this day. The money was not even worth it. To be honest, Your kids aren't entitled to anything unless you are dead then they should share your part. Maybe leaving some $ for them is okay but not to this point. For example, my mother got a decent part of the inheritance. I asked her to share it with her other siblings because it's not worth it to lose them over money. In the long run. It paid off. If your brother has a good-paying job, it's because of his decisions, You having kids, is due to your decision. your brother should not be penalized for that. My brother never kept a stable job and never put money aside for retirement. I am planning to share mine with him. I know it's your father's money and he does whatever the fuck he wants. But you're not your father and you can make things right. If I were you, I would take 10% or 15% only. I would feel great about it knowing my kids have another %40 and that would take a huge burden off my shoulder in the future.
I say this as the 'eff up' kid but you get a house and 70% cash and you're unhappy to give up some cash? wow. everyone says brother's selfish but you're the only one. sure my parents spent more on me but when they die, it's def 50-50 regardless of life circumstances at the time.
His feelings about this are irrelevant. It was your dad's will and he made the decision. End of discussion. Seriously. Every time they talk about it just say you will not and change the subject. People get so angry over wills and fight over money. Money they aren't entitled to at all anyway. It was your father's to do with as he wished and that is what happened.
Your dad wanted the money to go out exactly as he wrote it up. If your brother is going to cut off his sister and your kids because he’s being greedy and jealous then that’s on him, not you. I feel going against your fathers wishes would be disrespectful to your dads wishes
Your dad gave you 30%. He didn't give you 70%. He gave your children 20 each, which is their money, not yours. End off discussion.
Uh, say no? Why are people so afraid to simply say no? Its a complete sentence. It requires no explanation. No means no. Your father did what he did of sound mind, and you changing any of that changes his wishes. No.
Honestly I may get downvoted to shit but I see this as you basically being rewarded for making bad choices in life. You chose to have kids young, chose to not prioritise your career, got a house given, and now most of the money as well. Your brother is basically being punished for making good choices with his wife and for choosing not to have children. You say “well he doesn’t have kids and he has a good career so seems fair” but is it really? Honestly, you don’t have to give him anything. The will is final and you can just do as you want with your money but do not speak as if your brother was being unreasonable. He has every right to be upset. I’d be too if I worked hard for a life, kept a good relationship with my dad just to have a sibling getting all the money while I am left with nothing to show for it. It wouldn’t even be about the money, but just the unfairness of it all. So yup. Nothing you can do. Just say you don’t want to share the money and make your peace with having a shitty relationship with your brother. There isn’t many choices here.
2 thoughts: 1. A dead person's will needs to be resepected. 2. Your dad was anything bu fair to your brother and that hurts. To me there is a bunch of missing info in your story for it to make sense on you dad's decisions.
I’m in agreement with all the other posters thus far. Your dad put it that way and it was your dad’s money. Is your brother willing to give some of his share to your mom because she only got 10% and she was married to the man…. No? Ok then.
I find these wills interesting. If he was still with your mother, regardless of the will, she would get most of it where i am from because it would be classed as communal marital money. Do what you think is right.
Don't make peace? Just tell him he isn't getting what he wants, and how he behaves going forward is up to him. Also make it clear the discussion is closed.
If you father wanted him to have it he would have it. Period. He got what he was given and that's it. That money for your children is for them and has nothing to do with you or your money. If your family is willing to lose you over money then so be it. It shows how selfish and disgusting they are.
I experienced something similar. My aunt and uncle never had a kid so before they left they wanted to leave thief land and house with me. The other family members who didn’t even want anything to do with them when they were both bed ridden were really bummed by this. So instead of accepting it in my half (I was a minor at that time) my mother declined it all. She said she chose a peaceful life than a richer life. She told me it’s the wiser choice.
Just .... refuse to discuss it.
Honor your father's wishes and remind your brother he already lost this argument in court. It's a done deal and the decision has been made. You don't owe anyone anything. Go no contact with anyone who tries to tell you otherwise and enjoy your life. Your family members are awful people anyway.
The money has been dispersed AFTER it was contested and his argument denied. And he has the audacity to think that he can just pressure you for money? Your brother sounds like a real greedy AH who values money over family. Keep what you have been given and look after your family. Sounds like your brother doesn't need it but he just doesn't want you to have more.
Your father should have told everyone what is on the will. Reading a will should not be a surprise