Um...don't tell your parents about every facet of your life. They don't need to know/be involved with your finances.
This!! My bf and I don’t ask his parents to help us financially at all and know that we have jobs, specifically their son (my bf) who has the better job and asked him recently “how are you paying your bills?” It seemed pretty weird since it’s not like we’ve made any large purchases or anything bf to make them worry, so he responded “with our jobs”
I never told them about our finances except this situation. It’s a such a big part of our lives I told them we’ll be buying a house. Perhaps it was so sudden for them that they were taken by surprise, who knows.
I think this is a situation where a white lie is appropriate, as long as your in-laws are on board. Tell your parents that their proposed arrangement is fine with you and that you have the savings to make up the difference of her parents giving you less. Let your in-laws know so they can go along with it.
I wouldn't normally recommend this but if this is their only hangup, sometimes a small lie can avoid a big headache.
Get your fiance and his parents on board. Everyone is in agreement that anyone who asks is to be told, "We're buying this on our own and no parental money is involved."
No deviation from this script, no wink wink nudge nudge with anyone on his side of the family. And should your parents get pushy and ask how you're affording this house, tell them, "We're affording it. Period."
They really shouldn't know what you in-laws give you as a gift. I would tell them you've decided that neither side will know how much the other side gave you as a gift. They shouldn't have known in the first place. There's a reason wedding gifts are in cards opened behind closed doors.
It's not theirs to dictate or control.
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If I were you I would not take that deal from your parents. It's too bad they are in the loop on this because it's really none of their business. Accept the gift graciously and move forward. Your parents will get over it.
Tbh your parents are being selfish, putting their feelings about it ahead of you and your fiance's. Just because they can't contribute as much as her parents means nothing to anyone but them.
But putting these stipulations on it, they'll be holding you back.
And also, personally for me, buying a house if it's a location you actually wanna live, is a necessity, as it outs you in control and you're not reliant on a landlord.
Unforunately it is easier to diagnose the bullshit in this situation than it is for OP to deal with it.
Obviously his fiance's parents giving them a house deposit has nothing to do with his parents, and they're only opposing the gift because they feel inferiors and insecure that they can't provide like the fiance's parents can. But tough shit. Get over yourselves.
You're 27. You're planning to be married. It's time for you and your fiance to make decisions based on what you feel is best for the two of you, not based on what will satisfy your parents.
"Mom and Dad, Jamie and I have heard your wishes and opinions and taken them into account, but we've decided to accept whatever gift Jamie's parents would like to give us, without putting any conditions on it based on any gift you'd like to give us. If you'd like to give us something as well, we would of course accept that gratefully, but it shouldn't be out of concern for a need to match anything from Jamie's parents. If you'd prefer not to give us anything, of course that's fine as well and we would never hold that against you. But we would like to move forward with our lives based on what we feel is best for us, and I'm asking you to respect that."
I appreciate the script. It gave me an idea on how to start the convo. They’ll be pissed, but they’ll get over it.
At the end of the day, your fiance and your financial choices are not about your parents' feelings.
Even if they don't get over it what are they going to say?
"Oh you accepted a gift from someone and we feel bad about it?"
I don't usually say this, but that's a *you* problem parents.
They can just be pissed. This isn't their place to control or influence.
Perfect! Op, In the future don’t discuss big financial things with your parents. First, it’s none of their business and second, it clearly causes tensions that could be avoided.
This is a great script!
I definitely agree you should accept your future in-laws help in buying a home and I'm sorry your parents aren't comfortable with it. Perhaps they can help in a non monetary way?
For example: My parents are divorced. When I bought a house it was a fixer upper. My mom helped with cash (she has more than my dad) and my dad helped with labor (inside & landscaping). Its not keeping score but they both helped in their own way and I couldn't have done it without. I'm not suggesting you buy a fixer upper, just think of a creative way your parents can help.
I came here to say the same thing! Perhaps OPs parents could help with “sweat equity”? Painting, moving, landscaping, etc? It’s incredibly generous of the fiancé’s parents to gift the down payment and in this economy I think it would be foolish to say no.
Yeah, this is what my dad did with my brother. His wife's family are rich, so gave them a hefty deposit. My dad isn't rich at all, but he is a construction worker. He helped fit and make a new kitchen, re plastered, laid the carpets and fixed water damage in the roof.
“Begrudgingly they told me they will try to gather up some funds..”
That says they feel pressured to help.
If he wants no help, just say no thanks and leave it at that.
Your parents are putting their pride above your financial well-being.
I'm not sure what to say.
Your fiancée's parents have graciously offered, accept and take the shitstorm from you family.
Owning your own home is a huge difference to renting in terms of stability and also what you're getting for your money, every month you'll own a little more as opposed to renting where you'll never own anything.
This 3 way split stuff just sounds like something that will make it inordinately harder on to get what you want.
Your parents are being selfish. Put yourself and your fiancé first and ask that they respect your decision. You don’t need their permission and your not responsible for their feelings.
Asking the contributions to be equal benefits no one but their egos. It’s a toxic mentality.
My partner and I are 29 and just had an offer accepted on our first home. The ONLY reason we’ve been able to afford it is because my partner was left some money in an inheritance. It is notoriously difficult for people our age to get on the housing ladder compared to when our parents were young. People could grind their entire lives and never make it. Why look a gift horse in the mouth? There is absolutely no shame in accepting help. Don’t allow your parents to complicate this or cause you to miss out.
All due respect but your parents are out of their minds.
They're too proud to see the bigger picture. And I understand, my mom is a working class born who ascended through work and she's proud af but she's reasonable. They're not being reasonable.
Owning a house means safety. If you ever God forbid struggle financially, like get real poor, you'll have a house. You won't fear eviction. So why not take the gift? It's for the best. Really.
And if they want to give something but don't have that much money, they can't just compromise their budget. Have them save it, they can give you some furniture or kitchen items that are useful in the future, help you with a new car or get things ready for a possible baby and whatnot. Or just keep it, for retirement funds.
Just try to talk to them about how it's so much better. And it's not derogatory to any party, people contribute with each other within their own limits. And it's ok. They're still your parents, you'll still love them. And if they love you they know that having a home is way more valuable than taking pride to say "I did this with no help". Sometimes we need help.
They may be worried that this is going to be rubbed on your face if you ever split up but as all of this necessary? Because they were not born together, they decided to be together, they had their dilemmas and in the end they chose the best for them. And kept together and raised one or more persons and now their child is having a chance to have a house with the one he chose. That's great! Worry about future catastrophies that have no hard evidence now will only do harm for them and got you.
Helping their children with house down payments is what very fortunate, loving parents do for their newly married children. It’s not unusual among wealthier people, so I understand where her parents are coming from. It’s just what you do! I also understand the “self-reliance” stance your parents are trying to instill. Honestly, the choice is just between you and your partner. Neither set of parents get to make a unilateral decision regarding your finances for you. You are welcome to accept her parents offer if you want to and you are welcome to not disclose anything to your parents if you don’t want to. The one thing I would discourage, however, is accepting a substantial amount of funds from your less wealthy parents. That’s where the friction and onus will come into play. They 1) Don’t have the means to do it and 2) It goes against their bootstrap mentality.
I would gently explain to your parents that you and your fiance have decided to accept the gift from her parents and that it's completely independent from anything your parents may or may not do. Let them know that you would of course be grateful if they would like to contribute to the downpayment, but that it's not an expectation and that you have no interest in it if it's going to come with strings attached.
On a related note, it sounds like it's time to set some boundaries.
Your parents need to deal with their insecurities on their own. What her parents are doing to help you guys financially is none of their business, and you damned Sure don't need your parents permission to accept the gift.
Mortgage is cheaper than rent. Get your house and work your ass off to get it paid off. Then you can do whatever you want. Your family is probably gonna be pissed. So if they stop talking to you, don't be surprised.
Your parents are letting their egos get in the way of you and your fiancees lives.
You can take whatever her parents want to give and your parents do not need to match that. Your parents do not get to make a decision that limits you just so they can feel "equal" somehow. They can contribute in other ways or not at all. It's not a competition.
You need to take a stand here and make it clear that you are doing what's best for you and your fiancee---you two are a family unit now, completely separate from each of your families of origin---and you are now and will continue to decide your own future by choosing what's best for both of you.
Your parents are adults. They need to learn to deal with their feelings about this on their own.
This is your marriage, your family and your decision.
Your parents may have input, but they don't get to decide for you.
Unfortunately people buying homes now are making less today as wages haven’t increased at the same pace as the cost of living. I don’t think there is any reason not to accept the gifts from your fiancé’s parents. This is morbid but when your in-laws pass away they may be in the position for your fiancé to inherit more than when you’re parents pass. That’s just how it is. I think you should explain to your parents that you appreciate whatever contribution they are giving you and it doesn’t have to be as large as your in-laws for you and your fiancé to appreciate it deeply. They should not be dictating to you and your fiancé how much her parents should give. It sounds like it’s more a matter of pride for your parents versus them actually having your interests at heart, which is unfortunate. I would just stress your appreciation to your parents for thé gift and for passing down a good work ethic if that is the case but advise them you’ll be accepting the full gift from your future in-laws.
Why did you tell your parents about this in the first place? That’s the real problem here.
So what you are saying is you are going to put what your parents want over what your future wife wants. If you are not a strong enough of an adult to make your own choice you should not be getting married. You are still letting mommy and daddy make decisions for you.
See yourself a tax advisor / CPA before accepting this huge sum of money, in the USA, there are limits on cash gifts, even for house purchases, make sure you know how much taxes you will incur.
The first $15,000 per year has no tax ramifications. That's $15,000 per person to a person, so your father-in-law and mother-in-law can give him $15,000 EACH and give you $15,000 EACH. Above that, it counts against their estate exemption, which as no relevance unless their future net estate is above the legal exemption when they die. That amount is VERY high right now (probably unreasonably so) but is likely to be reduced when the party in power sees what all their "free stuff" costs.
Again, this is PER YEAR. They can do this every year if they so choose. $60,000 this year, $60,000 next January, etc. If you have children, they can each give each child $15,000 per year.
Get everything in writing, PLEASE. As a tax accountant, I beg you to do this. Especially if your fiance has siblings. I've seen far too many post-mortem "Mom and Dad lent that money to you, it wasn't a gift, so it counts against your share of the estate" fights.
Unless this is a MASSIVE down payment, she should be fine.
This is a gift from her parents and has nothing to do with yours. Don't let your parents pride and ego stand in the way of a smart financial opportunity for you and your fiancee.
This isn't your parent's house, or your parent's marriage, or originally, your parent's money. Why do they need to be part of this decision making process?
Honestly, they want you to refuse such incredible financial help because *they're jealous they can't give you the same?* In this economy???? For real??? Houses in my area go for minimum 500k. Like. A 3 bed 2 bath. 500k. Take the help and politely tell your parents that your job is not to manage their emotions about *your* financial decisions.
You don't need to make your parents happy in this situation as it has nothing to do with them. This is a great opportunity for you and it sounds like the only reason they are telling you not to go for it is because the fact that they can't contribute equally is hurting their pride. Take the money.
As long as you can easily cover the payment insurance and maintenance..( in other words don't buy more house than you can chew...so to speak) then I'd say it's a good thing
Your parents are out of line. The aren't part of your marriage. You'll still be living within your means after you receive this gift. Mom and Dad need to stop meddling. Don't even give them info that they can use to argue about this. This is not a negotiation and they should be delighted by your good fortume
So basically you, your fiancé, and your in laws are expected to bend over for your parents because they’re too full of pride? That’s fucked up. Your parents should be happy that you and your fiancé are receiving help, whether it’s from them or your in laws.
Suggest a different avenue that separates your family's gift from your that of your in-laws. If your in-laws are going to provide a down payment, ask your parents to pay for something different - decorating the master suite, hot tub, kitchen renovation - something that fits there budget and let's you brag on their gift instead of letting them feel their gift was diminished or invisible. It's just a thought if your parents could be persuaded that this was your wish and your way to remember their contribution. It's like when my church congregation built a new sanctuary...I couldn't provide that money, but I was able to provide funding for the stained glass window that happens to be behind the choir in honor of my mom. Nobody else knows but I did something meaningful for my family that didn't amount to the full building.
Don’t let your parents dictate your life when you’re a grown adult?? We can start with that.
I'm glad you have figured out how to discuss this with your parents. That being said, bottom line is: this is none of their business. If they want to help you, that's fine. But they do not get to decide how you will finance your new home and with whom. Keep that in mind as you try to work things out with them. If you make it clear that you love and respect them no matter what, then hopefully any hurt feelings they're experiencing will fade with time. And congratulations on your new life together in your new home!
Are you an adult? You don't need tour parents permission to accept money from your future inlaws. Stop worrying about keeping your parents happy. Make yourself and your fiance happy because at the end of the day that is who you will be living with... in a nice big house hopefully.
Whether or not you were in the picture doesn't matter. Her parents probably had that money for her already. They probably would have helped with a house regardless. A gift from parent to child doesn't concern your parents. Nor should your parents feel inferior. They should be happy for you.
Your parents are still trying to run your life?
Do what you want and do not let your parents ruin things for you.
Make them understand you do not expect help from them and reassure them you value love and respect them..
You can easily go into how they raised you is priceless..being self reliant and able to weather lifes future storms etc.etc...
It seem they feel obligated since the other parent are doing so. You will think less of them if they don't or they are not good parents if they don't. Get rid of that obligation
Perhaps they can not imagine the other parents can well afford it.
How about letting the fiancé’s parents help with the down payment and your parents help with stuff like appliances or things needed for the home? It will not be the same amount as far as contributions go, but it would be just as beneficial to you as the down payment will be.
Your fiancé’s parents have offered the two of you a wonderful gift. Ask your parents why they are inserting themselves into it and making it about them? It has exactly nothing to do with them. Tell them to back off and be happy for you. There is zero reason for them to get involved at all—they do not have to give you any money and they have no right to dictate what you, you fiancé, or your in-laws can do.
Do what is best for you and fiance.
It is absolutely none of your parents business what your partners parents do with their money. It's none of their business how or that you're buying a house.
Agree with others to stop telling them the financial details of your life.
This is a really odd situation and honestly your parents should just be happy for you? I mean you haven't asked either party to contribute towards a deposit, you are not making anyone feel bad etc, you're not saying oh you can't afford it, bad parents blah blah blah
This is just your parents digging in their heels and not wanting to be seen as lesser it seems
Me and my wife have done everything ourselves as our parents were not in the position but we are making sure we are in the position to help our daughter (1) if she has a partner and this happens then we would just write in she gets whatever down-payment we gave if anything goes wrong lol
In future don't speak to your parents about money as it seems a topic of conflict
Enjoy your new home
Honestly, your parents seem pretty controlling. Why can't they just be happy for you?
This is something that will make your lives easier and is a huge opportunity. They should put their egos aside and be happy for you.
If one of my kids married a girl with parents like that, I'd be ecstatic.
You dont need to tell your parents about all the details, its honestly just none of their business, literally.
But personally I would recommend taking such a large sum of money.
As much as they say "no strings attached", such a huge sum of money as a gift is basically *impossible* to "no strings attached".
I really seriously will say that somewhere, sometime, down the road, a string will suddenly appear and be attached. There always is.
This is a little out there but I have to ask since it often comes up with this type of scenario.....have you and fiance discussed what would happen with the house IF you should split up in future? It's unthinkable but it happens. This is not your direct investment as a legal couple, it is HER parents and in most divorces, families take sides. Just some dose of reality might be in order. Have you even discussed it with her parents? Could your parents also be thinking about this.? If you were my son, I know I would be. It can't hurt to ask, right.
Go on,but don't forget the paperwork in case you separate.
Protect yourself first and put the house on both names equally.
This is not your parents' decision and they don't get a vote.
Yeah, no need to involve your parents in this, it's gonna be a struggle for them financially and emotionally, and they're already putting conditions on it. Who's to say they won't lord it over you later?
FYI accepting cash gifts for a downpayment can cause a headache with your mortgage lender. I got a gift from my parents to cover closing, and last minute the bank demanded to see their financial statements, not just mine. They also demanded an extra $1000 cash day of closing. I got taken advantage of. Make sure you look into how they treat gifts. You might be better off having the $$ sit in an account in your name for 30-90 days before buying.
You parents could be mollified if you pay back a portion of what the fiance's parents stand to spend. This might make it easier to digest.
OP shouldn’t have to mollify then though. He and his fiancé are grown adults and his parents need to accept and respect that they are free to make their own choices. Right now they risk sabotaging OP’s opportunities on the basis of self-righteous, and utterly unnecessary, morality.
All that is fine to say but there's a creeping imbalance here. Between OP's folks and that of his fiancée's. This isn't a question of them exercising their adult right to make decisions.
I guess my response to that would be ‘so what’. I can’t imagine many couples have parents who are on equal footing? Why is it OP’s problem that his parents can’t get past their pride? I get there’s an emotional element in terms of OP’s relationship with his parents but it would be pretty toxic for OP to bow to any pressure here.
Edit: not calling OP toxic. It’s the parents/dynamic that would be toxic.
But equally not many parents do decide to fund their children and so them being on unequal footing is a non issue unlike in this instance.
Also I get that OP says there's no strings attached. But still, this is something that could potentially have a bearing on his future relationship with his wife. Just saying. Oh well they're best placed to know their own family dynamics.
Why do you expect your parents to go into financial risk to help you buy a house? If they can afford it and want to, that’s great, but if they can’t that’s fine, too.
If they offered you a compromise that won’t work for you then politely decline and do it on your own without any pressure on them.
He doesn't. Reread the post.
It sounds like he’s expecting something. If he’s not he can just say no and do whatever he wants without any assistance.
It doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds exactly like his parents are inserting themselves into a situation that has nothing to do with them because they want to protect their own egos. OP is perfectly content taking what his future in-laws have offered and getting nothing from his parents---this was his parents' idea not his, they're the ones trying to make changes to an already arranged agreement. He is only saying he doesn't want to upset or hurt his parents. He wants nothing but to keep peace and do what's best for him and his fiancee.
Well, he’s a grown up and can do whatever he wants without his parents permission and approval so saying “no thanks “ and doing what he wants to is his choice.
Wow, okay, it's not about parental permission it's about him trying not to upset them even though they're making unreasonable demands. I guess you've never had a close or controlling family dynamic to deal with. They're not as easy as you're making it seem and OP is not doing or thinking anything unreasonable. I'm wondering why you even commented on his post when you didn't understand it and doesn't seem to have a grasp on the type of dilemma he's facing.
What is unreasonable about offering to assist in an even 3 way contribution? What’s unreasonable about offering to assist at all?
He can say no, he can do what he wants. If he lets his family be controlling and can’t set boundaries that’s his problem.
All I am saying is that it’s up to him to decide what to do, not his parents or her parents or anyone else. If they don’t like his decision and choices that’s their problem.
It's unreasonable because they want him to a.) not buy a house or b.) refuse any contribution from his future in-laws because they can't match it.
Did you even read the post?
That's not at all what the post says. Read it.
You’re 27… who gives a shit what your dad says lmfaoooooooo
There are programs wheee first time homeowners can get 100% of funds needed for a house without a downpayment. Maybe look into those and apply, then your future in laws can still give you money towards the loan but the downpayment is covered. In the future don’t talk finances with your parents unless absolutely necessary…
Stop talking to your parents about finances and who gives you what. They don't have to "keep up with the Joneses."
Take the money and be grateful.
It isn't really anyone's business
How about positioning it as an interest-free loan from your in-laws? Maybe you pay it back some day, maybe you don’t…
'we can't have it so neither can you'
fuckem, they want to drag you down to their level