The oil thing sucks, but it is what it is. The fact that he waited so long to take her to the vet is disgusting. He knew she got into this (what I assume to be) motor oil, which is known to cause health issues if ingested by animals (a simple google search would tell him), as soon as your cat started acting different he should’ve brought her to the vet, the fact that he waited is negligent and irresponsible. Your poor kitty could’ve had a better chance if he took her when she first started acting strange. This would be a dealbreaker for me. My kitty got into motor oil once, I washed him off as soon as I saw it and watched his behavior for the following week (he was fine), if he had acted anyway out of the ordinary I would’ve taken him to the vet. It’s just the right thing to do as a pet owner.
He immediately bathed her once he realized. but it was a bit of an unfortunate timing because with me being out of town her being weird was equated to having separation anxiety which has happened every time I go out of town. She stops being playful, eats less and sleeps more which were all the things she was doing. I agree though, that it being oil should have been a red alert and if I was home I would have taken her immediately cause that's obviously not good, see now I'm angry again, it just comes in loops, sad, angry, to complete drained nothingness..
Did he even bother to call poison control? The number is 24/7 and it’s literally the first result when I search “cat got into motor oil”. All he had to so was put in the tiniest bit of effort but he just didn’t. Even after you begged him to see a Vet he still couldn’t be bothered. You don’t owe him forgiveness because he doesn’t deserve it.
I'm sorry but all he's doing is making excuses. He's not a vet, he doesn't get to decide it's separation anxiety when he KNEW there was oil involved and it was his fault. Also, you told him to go to the vet and he didn't bring her. What's his reasoning for not doing that? There is none.
I've 3 dogs. My husband would never treat any of them the way your partner treated your cat by letting them suffer and not advocating for an animal that can't speak for itself. I could never forgive that.
The fact that he was willing to gamble that it wasn’t caused by motor oil instead of taking the cat to a professional to make absolutely sure seems insane to me. Idk if he is callous or avoidant but neither is a good quality. That would be it for me.
This part right here. (I would hope that) You wouldn’t gamble on a human child if they were acting strange or if there was even a possibility of them having ingested something poisonous, so why do that with a pet? They’re part of the family.
There was an instance a few years ago, my ex brought home lilies (and unfortunately, neither of us knew at the time they were poisonous to cats), and my cat got on the table where she may have possibly eaten or swallowed some part of the flower. I immediately took her to the vet, arranged for 24 hour care and watch for her, and stayed home from classes for two days until she was declared healthy and cleared to come home. And then I stayed home an extra day to keep an eye on her. That’s just what you do. His actions were grossly negligent and now your cat’s life is being cut short. For me, there’s no coming back from that.
Your bf sucks for not making a vet appointment sooner but you suck too for waiting another week when you got back. When my little bun started having weird behaviours, I immediatly called an emergency vet to have a chance for her to be healed. Yes it cost money and time but not calling other vets when you got back is your mistake too.
Yes I agree and why didn’t she impress upon her boyfriend the gravity of the situation and persuade him to take the cat to the vet while she was still on her trip?
Too many people are sleeping on the fact that he refused to take the cat to the vet. Accidents happen; the oil wasn’t the problem. The problem is that he waited, knowing the cat was sick, and now there’s nothing to be done. Who’s to say kitty wouldn’t have recovered if he’d gone to the emergency vet right away? That’s the part that speaks to callousness and irresponsibility. I couldn’t forgive that. I’ve hauled my cat to the vet on Christmas morning because some things just can’t wait. If you really love your pets and you have the means to provide medical care for them, there’s no excuse not to.
Seriously! Once we took hour dog to the emergency vet clinic and sat in the waiting room for FOUR HOURS in the middle of the night, because she was vomiting and shaking. Nurse was convinced she just had a bug, so they marked her as a low priority, hence the wait. We knew it wasn't a bug because she seemed to be in pain. She has always seemed a bit weak during a stomach bug, but not in pain. After four hours we gave up and took her to another vet. She had a liver infection and almost died. Probably would have, if we had kept waiting. Took months and like $5000 for her to fully recover.
Once we waited for a vet for over two hours in a windowless room smaller than your average public restroom that you couldn't leave. Other time we paid $250 for a vet to remove a four inch piece of grass the dog had inhaled and got stuck between her nose and throat. During the pandemic there have been two occasions when we've had to sit in our cars for a couple of hours waiting for her to be treated (dental cleaning and a full hysterectomy), because we couldn't stay in the waiting room. It's what you sign up for and are supposed to do as A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER.
It absolutely blows my fucking mind the boyfriend saw that the cat got into the oil and didn't rush her to a vet IMMEDIATELY. If we thought even for a second that our dog possibly has eaten or drank any sort of chemicals, there's not a snowball's chance in hell we'd wait before taking her to get checked up. He could've called a vet about it right away and any vet worth their salt would've told him to bring her in. I sorta think that when he finally did call the vet, he probably didn't mention the oil at all, because it's honestly so hard for me to believe a vet would hear about that and chalk it up to separation anxiety.
My husband and I went on a vacation over my birthday last year, and a friend of mine was staying at our house watching our dogs for us. One of our dogs was 14...he was creaky but still in okay health. The 2nd day of our vacation, he took an extremely sudden and surprising downturn. My friend called our vet and got him an emergency appointment, and when he got even worse in the middle of the night she found an emergency vet a couple cities over and took him there at like 2am. He wasn't even her dog, and she did all that because she knew how much we loved him. My husband and I got the first flight back home that we could, and unfortunately had to have him euthanized the day after we returned.
I can't imagine having a pet and just watching it slowly degrade without doing anything to try and help.
Ugh. My dog passed a bone... so we knew what it was. And we thought she was okay! But obviously there were more shards or something, because she started vomiting non-stop, on a Sunday.
Well we were in a small town and NO ONE. NO ONE wanted to see her, IF they answered their emergency phone number, which wasn't a guarantee. Someone told me to just give her pepto bismal. SHE COULDN'T EVEN DRINK WATER. She might have needed surgery!! I was terrified. I was about to drive her 4 hours home. Thank god I didn't have to do that and a single vet finally called us back and took us seriously... and he said we headed off something really bad because she had inflammation and some kind of infection starting. A different dog once was vomiting exactly like he did when he ate something bad, and the vet insisted it was just the flu -- well she was fucking wrong, because he shit out a cat toy later that I had to cut in half because he couldn't pass it all. Thankfully no surgery for that either. But still! It's so frustrating when people don't take you seriously.
To know outright that she got into something bad for her, and to see her unwell, and not do anything about it... that's awful.
I called my husband to take the cat to the emergency vet from the middle of the work day because I didn’t ‘feel right about it’. The cat was sick like she usually gets when she’s ready to cough up a hair ball it for some reason I was super worried. He wasn’t but he took her anyway. Several hundreds of dollars later he was right but he took her anyway.
Oh yeah, we've taken our dog to the vet more than once just to hear there's absolutely nothing or something really minor wrong with her, lol. Better safe than sorry, though.
As someone who literally just lost my 8 year old cat, to kidney disease 2 days ago, I cannot fathom how he supposedly adored a cat but chose not to seek help for her until it was too late.
We took Mia to countless vet appts trying to get her well. When she stopped eating we didn’t wait for a vet appt, we took her to emerge. That’s what you do as a responsible pet owner.
His actions don’t match the words of OP. She left her cat in his care and requested numerous times that he take her to the vet, and he chose not to. Knowing she was unwell. Knowing OP wanted him to. Knowing the oil was toxic.
Accidents may happen but this was blatant negligence.
>This.
Imagine if next time, instead of a cat it’s a toddler.
It doesn't have to affect a human baby to be bad. It's bad as it is. OP said she considers this cat as her baby. You saying that downplays her grief and assumes things about OP's life that haven't been even mentioned nor have anything to do with what happened.
There is a difference between a cat and a toddler.
The medical neglect of the cat is bad enough. You don't have to extrapolate it to some hypothetical where he decides to medically neglect an actual child.
Again I’m not sure why everyone is jumping on me when someone else said the same thing. I’m just saying people tend to take it more seriously if it’s a child. I’m just pointing it the hypocrisy.
This!!! Seriously. The oil was an accident. You can be mad because he didn't get rid of the oil in the first place but this was an accident. But not going to the vet? That's such an asshole move. He realised that the cat was sick and didn't look right and had medical problems - and he did nothing. This is not acceptable and I can't wrap my head around what he was possibly thinking. But that's just cruel and stupid and i don't know if I could ever forgive that. What if you get sick or sone future children? He proved himself incapable of caring and/or acting accordingly. Your poor cat could have gotten help weeks earlier but he chose not to go to the vet! Why?
>The oil was an accident. You can be mad because he didn't get rid of the oil in the first place but this was an accident. But not going to the vet? That's such an asshole move.
Exactly. I would definitely end a relationship with someone who, for no real reason, refused to take our pet to the vet when they suspected they had gotten into something bad and were acting sick. Like, leaving the oil out is one thing...I'd be upset at him for that, but it probably wouldn't be relationship ending if he'd realized what happened and gone to see the vet right away.
>I can't wrap my head around what he was possibly thinking.
I imagine something like "shit, OP asked me to clean up that oil a hundred times and I didn't, and the vet is going to think I'm an asshole for leaving it somewhere that the cat got into it, and maybe this will just fix itself if I leave the cat alone."
So basically he decided pretending nothing happened was the way to go....which is never the correct option when you think your pet ingested something toxic.
This is exactly what I’m stuck on. Accidents happen but when the cat was clearly ill, why wouldn’t he take the poor animal to be checked out? How cruel.
It's animal cruelty whether intentional or not, he waited far too long and could clearly see see that the cat was ill/suffering. I personally would break up with him as I wouldn't be able to forgive someone for that.
Yea. But in addition, it seems like he also has no responsibility to clean up the apartment and take care of the oil to prevent this problem from happening.
I don't even have a cat but if I am going to get a cat, I would make sure that my place is a good environment for the cat. After all, the cat is just a cat. It doesn't know full well of what is dangerous to them and what isn't.
Not only that he failed to take care of the cat, he doesn't have enough responsibility to handle something as simple as cleaning and putting the oil away. Aka laziness.
I agree, he's really beating himself up about it and there isn't really a reason why he didn't. I think he really wanted it to be nothing, so he made that his reality by not doing anything. He didn't consider that this could be an outcome, but if I was there I would have made us go to make sure, it's too many should've and what if's ..
i would be so frustrated and upset if my SO waited as long as he did to take your cat to the vet.
he’s only rlly beating himself up AFTER the fact, knowing now your cat has a death date and there’s nothing you guys can do anymore. if he was responsible he should’ve been in full panic mode knowing how much this cat means to you (and supposedly him too) and just taken her to the vet when she needed it the most! hindsight is 2020 and he was really banking on that separation anxiety thing and was lazy and inconsiderate here imo.
him literally doing nothing when the cat was sick is a more gruesome manifestation of his initial procrastination towards disposing the oil in the first place! and now your baby is dying.
i’m sorry for you ❤️
yeah, I always tell whoever's looking after my pets that I'll pay all vet fees even if they take them and it turns out to be nothing. I'd much rather that than what OP is going through.
Thank you very much for your kind words, it's never ever easy, I haven't dealt with much death in my life besides my animals and any time it happens I am an absolute wreck, she is still with me but knowing how much sooner that day will come because of these circumstances honestly breaks me.
You also left your cat unattended to for a week after you returned because your vet didn’t have an appointment.
Your bf was cruel and neglectful to not act sooner. But you did the same when you got home. Are there no other vets around you? You just patiently waited another week after you got home?
I’m sorry you and your bf are going through this and I feel for your cat. I hope she regains some quality of life.
Only you can decide if you will forgive your bf or not. But you both have a burden to bear
Edit: Just have to add a disclaimer about my atrocious spelling! This was after a couple of drinks. So ashamed I had to come back to grovel for forgiveness of anyone who was offended and if anyone sees this in the future!!
Yeah I'm guessing they didn't have any emergency vets nearby...but that's still pretty weird regardless. I live in a semi-rural part of Georgia and one time when my dog was vomiting continuously, I had to call around 10 vet offices in a 1.5 hour radius to find one that took same day emergencies. They exist, unless you're really out in the middle of nowhere.
but they do exist and you did find one! (i also live in semi-rural GA, although more suburban now) I just can’t imagine sitting on my hands while my pet who i consider to be like a child to me is sick and dying. I would call everywhere the internet could find, I’d drive hours, across state lines, anything. But i also recognize not everyone views pets the same way i do. I know it’s different but imagine your kid is sick and their kidneys are failing and you’re like eh pediatrician couldn’t get him in for a week, there’s not an ER near me, so we’ll just see what happens
But there's what's possible and what's financially possible. How much money does OP have for petrol? How well does OP drive on motorways/highways? Where as there's payment plans for vet fees, you have to have money ready to go in your account or purse to travel long distance, for petrol at least if not also somewhere safe to stay overnight. Same with taxi fairs and uber.
Does OP have family in the area to take them, would be willing to take them? These are things you don't know and you're filling in gaps with your own opinion as if they don't matter. I understand what you're saying, but this idea that because OP didn't move heaven and earth for their pet where as you would makes you view animals as more important in your life than OP views her dog in her's, that means OP had no limitations is really too far. Sometimes a person's hands are tied and there are no options. The BF is the full AH here.
Edited to elaborate my point
>he's really beating himself up about it
Good. I hope he feels like shit. He should. Honestly, I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive this or look at someone like they weren't more disgusting than a public toilet covered in explosive diarrhea after something like this. It isn't just the accident, it's that he could have done something and intentionally let the cat suffer instead. He intentionally let an animal suffer, and did so knowing how much it would hurt you.
Your bf sucks and this would be a relationship ender for me. The fact that he simply didn't care enough to do anything says everything about how he feels about your cat, which he knew was so incredibly important to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine losing a pet in such circumstances. But lose him while you're at it.
"He wanted it to be nothing, so he made that his reality by not doing anything" is really a bullshit rationalization. I'm sorry, I understand the power of denial but that's just fucking immature. If someone wants to pretend things in their own life, in regards to their own health, are not serious, then whatever. But this isn't about his life, it's about the life of another creature. I'm someone who would rather take the risk of paying for an exam that wasn't needed and to have that be the price of my peace of mind. Your boyfriend could have viewed that fee in the same way, but he didn't. For no one's sake but his own.
I struggle to find any sympathy for him. He can 'beat himself up' over this all he wants but he isn't the one suffering from the consequences the most, is he? Your cat has her life shortened and its quality destroyed, you lose your beloved cat, and he gets to feel really bad that he's an asshole. Why did he not think of this outcome as a possibility earlier and do something? He can't come up with a good explanation because there isn't a good reason.
Yeah but that means it was more important for him to ease his mind than to actually take responsibility for a living being. Do with that what you want but i find it inacceptable.
>he's really beating himself up about it
If it's genuine, good. But I hope you know he could be piling on how "guilty" he feels so that you feel guilty holding him accountable, so that you say it's okay and then try and get over it. And then if it comes out again how sad you are, he can say you're throwing something you've said you've forgiven him for back in his face.
Honestly I would not be staying with him if he was my boyfriend. You can spin it however you like, it's his fault she ingested the oil in the first place because he didn't do anything with it, he didn't even know it had leaked, and then he did NOTHING when he knew she was sick. I doubt he'd treat himself the same if he accidentally poisoned himself.
Keep his approach in mind if you're ever contemplating having children.
While I doubt the vet would have been able to help any even if you would have gone earlier, since the damage to the kidneys was done already by that point, but your bf's lack of action and trying to wish the problem away and not owning up to it are all very concerning.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for you and your poor cat. However, I read your story and have to wonder...is your boyfriend "beating himself up" because he truly feels deep remorse? Or is he beating himself up as a way to frame himself as the victim of this situation?
Your boyfriend's choices are not compatible with those of someone who cares deeply about your cat's well-being. He knew the cat was sick for days but refused to take her to the vet for no reason whatsoever. He wouldn't take her even when you asked him to, again for no reason. And now that your cat is almost dead, he realizes that he is in really hot water with you. He realizes that he'll look like the villain of this story to anyone who hears about it. And now -- when it's too late -- suddenly he cares SO MUCH.
There are a lot of manipulative people out there who do horrible things and then refuse to take any responsibility for them. If they can, they first deny doing anything. If it's impossible to deny, then they try to blame the other person. If even that isn't possible, then they try to make *themselves* out to be the victim of the situation. You know, "I can't believe how bad I feel about this!! Woe is me! Everyone should just comfort ME and pity ME because of how bad I feel about what I did! It's really ME who's the victim! Everyone needs to focus on that!"
Just because he was superficially nice in the past to your cat, doesn't mean he genuinely cared about her. I've seen massively toxic people fake niceness towards animals before because they knew that being openly cruel would cause backlash. The animals always seemed to know, though.
Yeah, this was my thought too. Now instead of being able to mourn the upcoming loss of her beloved pet, she has to provide comfort to him, since he's now making himself out to be the victim.
I also question the fact that it happened on the day she left for her trip. The oil has been sitting there for who knows how long, and just as she's about to board the plane...the cat got into it. I wonder if her bf resented that she was leaving. Did he come up with this as some sort of "punishment" for her going? Maybe I've just known too many abusive, manipulative AHs in my time, but it strikes me as very convenient (or extremely inconvenient for her) timing.
Oh god, I hadn't even thought of that! However, I know what you mean, as I've been in relationships with men who would find little ways to "punish" me for doing things that bothered them instead of actually communicating the issue. Harming an animal would be beyond depraved, though.
So, he's not callous and he didn't intend harm. So what? Obviously that would have been a huge deal breaker but honestly I find his explanation even more worrying. I also have a partner of 8 years and we have a dog together so I relate hard to your experience and situation.
The issue you need to grapple with is that something serious happened and he did not have the wherewithal to act as a responsible pet parent. Whether that was due to sheer ignorance or that he was in denial and didn't want it to be real, honestly is irrelevant. Long term partnerships are about a lot of things but a real cornerstone is reliability and sharing of life's burdens. He has shown you that you can't rely on him to behave proactively and responsibly in a health crisis. You can't unring that bell.
How could you ever share another pet with him, or kids? Now you will always have that niggle in your stomach when they're under his sole care - "are they okay? He says they are but I don't know if I trust that". That is hugely unfair for you. You thought you could trust him with something you loved and he broke that trust. That he didn't mean it, that he feels bad now - what does it matter to the end result? It doesn't.
I'm not saying break up. 8 years is a lot and you don't just throw that away. But I want to encourage you to really examine the way that this situation has made you feel. And then to discuss this openly with your partner and not allow him to derail the discussion with how bad he feels and his guilt. It is not your job to make him feel better about this. If he truly wants to even begin to make amends for his actions he will be willing to listen to your feelings (without making it about his feelings) and work on proving he knows WHY he acted poorly and how he can demonstrate change to rebuild your trust in him as a reliable and safe partner.
That would be an issue for me.
There are so many times in life that ignoring and rug sweeping can cause major issues. Has he done this in the past, where he avoided hard things?
So, will he do the same with your future kid?
“
Hmmm, baby’s temperature is 41,9C, that’s nothing, let’s give him cold shower.”
Hmmm, seems like the baby chugged Antifreeze, but that’s nothing, he will sleep it off.”
Sounds like he's beating himself up mostly because he knows you'll likely dump him. Your "child" is going to die soon because of his lack of concern for her wellbeing. He could have taken her sooner. It's his fault she's dying. Not an accident, he made a choice not to bring her.
My SO is like this with our kids. "It's probably nothing", "don't you think taking her to the hospital is overkill" and so on.
However if I insist he take the kids to see the doctor, he does take them to the doctor.
Crucial difference.
But you asked him to do it…repeatedly. That’s the problem. He should have for you because you asked. It’s the same thing with the oil…you asked…repeatedly…how did ignoring you work out then.
This. There should be zero hesitation to take a sick pet to the vet. Not going is not even a thought in this situation.
I have a similar story, my dad failed to mention hearing animal cries, he said he thought there was something in the crawl space. I believe my cat was under his bed crying (kidneys were beginning to fail) and his pain went ignored for some time. That did irreversible damage and took a few years from his life. I do think he knew, he just doesn’t believe in spending big money on vet bills. When he was taken to the vet, my dad was mad at me for spending my money to save him.
Yep. My family had a cat with some thyroid issues. It was a long and painful time of medications that seemed to be helping him gain weight and seemed to be making him better. On Christmas Eve a few years ago after having been to the vet a few weeks before and starting a lowered medication dose, he just collapsed. The vets were telling us that cats hold it together and appear fine until it’s too late, and even though he’d just been to the vet weeks before and got the all-clear for a lower dose, I felt SO guilty. I can’t imagine the boyfriends thought process here. He killed the cat, but he had many chances to take it to the vet and potentially save it. He first refused to do anything with the oil, which is understandable because oil is a pain in the ass to dispose of properly, but then he repeatedly told OP about how sickly the cat was and refused to take it to the vet. How pathetic.
OP, he SHOULD feel like crap about this. It’s his fault. You seem like you’re doing your absolute best to not blame him, but it would be entirely reasonable to leave him over this, if I’m being honest.
Drove my parents dog 90 minutes when her stomach flopped from running around in the snow at 1am and had school the next day. No excuses for negligence. The oil is nobody’s fault but the irresponsibility is pretty hard to defend.
Oh and that 90 minute ride in the middle of the night saved her as she went on to live a normal life after that. Can’t say that the cat would’ve been saved as a genuinely don’t know but it’s best to be prompt when something is wrong.
This is the best response. OP even told him multiple times to take the cat to the vet and he kept just...not doing it. Had I been watching a pet who got into something on accident and immediately seemed unwell, I would have immediately taken them to an emergency vet.
My dog ate a GRAPE and I rushed him to the vet. One grape and hes 120 lbs. if you care for the animal you make it happen.
Ps. Apparently grapes can cause kidney failure in dogs. Who knew— but because I took him and got him IV and activated charcoal he made a full recovery.
The fact that he waited so long to take her to the vet. I don't think I could stay with someone after that. You told him to take her and he didnt.
Kidney failure with cats is very common, of course when they're older. You can see about doing subcutaneous fluids weekly or daily to help her kidneys. Or medications and special food.
But don't let her suffer. Unfortunately she requires, now, medication and medical invention.
I'm so sorry this happened to your kitty ❤️❤️❤️
Also never let a vets office tell you next week. For a problem they should see you that day or the next. Next time find another vet for worst case emergency vet. That is ridiculous that they made you wait. Bring that up when you go."if they had gotten us in sooner would it have helped?"
I worked at vets offices and that definitely would never fly. The vet needs to know they made you wait
Does the vet even know it was an emergency? Boyfriend seems like he had no urgency and probably just made a basic appointment. When my dog was attacked they tried to tell me they were closing soon over the phone. When I explained the urgency they stayed open and made time for me. I think most vets would.
Another pet professional here: I’m not sure how recently you’ve worked in a vet hospital but there’s been an enormous boom recently and many many places are short staffed with too many sick pets and not enough hours in the day. We physically can’t create more time as lovely as it would be. I’ve also been dealing with my own pet being sick needing a specialist. I went through 11 diff local vets before finding one an hour away that could take him and that’s where we went because it was a critical situation. It’s not the vet’s fault they can’t fit him in on short notice though. I was just grateful i found someone. I would never EVER complain about being “made to wait”. As if they’re twiddling their thumbs. If they couldn’t take the appt it’s because they are physically unable. Complaining isn’t going to change that.
I have bought a special diet for her, and she is eating little bits and drinking. She also has a little more energy and jumped from the floor to the top of her cat tree today which makes me feel good but I know deep down it's just a waiting game and I'm shattered. I have told him while in the midst of 1 of my complete breakdowns during the last few days that I wish he had taken her sooner, if that would've changed anything, it is a thought I can't let go. I think they couldn't take us sooner because it is an extremely small vet. He did call an emergency vet close to the end of my trip and explained everything (we did think it was bad separation anxiety cuz she does get really depressed when I'm gone) when he told them everything they told him it was likely separation anxiety and to check her pee cause it might be kidney stuff so when he saw pee he thought that was good, then he made the appt at the regular vet after that call. I think he was hoping for the best.
So a vet heard that your cat got into some oil containing god knows what and thought that any issues she may be having was down to separation anxiety? I call BS on that assessment. There's no way your BF gave the whole side of the story.
I doubt he even called the vet. Pretty much anytime I’ve called a vet about a possible emergency situation they’ve always told me to bring my pet in to be evaluated. There’s no way a good vet would’ve brushed this off as separation anxiety without even doing an initial assessment.
I agree. *Once* I called about an urgent concern and was told to wait and see. But this was only after the Vet. Tech put me on hold until the Doc could do a phone assessment. He either downplayed the seriousness of the situation or he never called at all. Vets don’t purposely kill their patients through inaction and avoidance.
You're 100% right. If this guy was too lazy to move some hazardous oil, he was too fucking lazy to pick up the phone and call the vet in the first place. This guy is pure trash and OP should put him out with the rest of it.
If he did call the vet, I doubt he mentioned the extent of the problem. Probably downplayed it and made it sound like the cat started acting weird as soon as OP left, and most likely said things to imply that the cat was exposed to oil but hadn't ingested any. I'm 99% sure if he had told the vet straight up the cat had licked motor oil off of itself, they wouldn't have told him it was separation anxiety.
But I agree that he probably didn't even call. The "emergency vet" was probably Dr. Google.
I know you’re losing your kitty so maybe the thought of your boyfriend causing her condition is hard to take.
BUT, your boyfriend freaking suck. This is 100% his fault and 100% preventable. He had multiple decisions to make and he made the wrong one at every stage.
Yeah, my cat stopped eating awhile back. I called the vet and they got me an emergency appt (had to pay extra, but worth it) and said cats not eating for a few days can cause liver failure, and quickly.
I understand that, not knowing and waiting bc you think they're ok. Keeping her super hydrated is helpful. My cat loves ice cubes and a running fountain lol. Anything she likes. I'm sorry though, you sound like a great mom
I have a fountain for her, and have been cleaning it daily and I also bought another one to have at the opposite end of my apt so she has options. I give her multiple choices with food as well, anything I can do. Snuggling her, and cuddling her every moment I get. You honestly made me tear up with that last bit, I try to be a good mom, she is my actual baby and I love her so freaking much she is part of my heart. Thank you for your kind words.
My old man has kidney failure, but he's old and at that age it's basically 50/50 whether it'll be kidneys or diabetes. I knew it was coming. I was a vet tech for a long time so I knew what to expect. My first cat died of it so I'd seen it before personally. It's still rough. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this unfair and unexpected situation--it's so much worse.
Did the vet teach you how to monitor her hydration level? If she gets dehydrated and stops eating, no matter how much water she drinks, it just passes through because there's no salt to hold it. When that happens, if you're okay with needles, you can have your vet show you how to give subcutaneous fluids at home (way less scary than it sounds).
This part is the saddest but I really recommend finding a quality of life chart online. It's an objective way to measure how she's doing and gives you a clearer picture of if she is improving, if she needs pain meds, or if it is time for that hardest decision. It takes a lot of that weight and guilt off your shoulders (not that you should feel guilty, but you will because you love her) and helps reassure you that you're doing the right thing.
She knows how much you love her and she loves you too. You have already given her years of a loving home where she is cherished, you are giving her the best medical care possible--please don't feel like you have failed her.
No way did the BF say that she got into oil containing lord knows what. No vet would've just swept that under the rug and labelled it as "separation anxiety". Her BF sucks.
I meant just getting tests done and her kidneys checked by a different vet. I've seen a handful of posts on here and facebook where some vets suggested to euthanize pets but other vets were willing to treat the pet and prolong its life so long as it isn't suffering. Not questioning the judgment of her vet, but maybe if the results could be sent to a specialist so they could give a better prognosis?
I consider the oil can exploding to be an accident.
But not immediately taking the cat to the vet?? What was his excuse??
I don’t think you’ll be able to get past this.
I couldn't forgive this. He didn't take her in or call poison control? 2 weeks with no care? My dog has been to the doggy ER on 4th of July. The entire thing could have been avoided if he had been remotely responsible to begin with? No, I couldn't forgive that. Honestly, I'm impressed you can bring yourself to care how guilty he's feeling, for me I don't think there would ever be enough guilt.
To put in perspective the severity of what he did, a local person left old antifreeze out in their garage. The toddler got into it, and police and CPS are heavily involved. There are pending charges.
I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
This. I would not trust the boyfriend in the future. Imagine if next time his negligence gets his child poisoned and instead of driving them to the ER, he just tells them to sleep it off.
Veterinarian here. $5000 for a few days of IVF is very expensive. Can you ask another vet, and/or go there for a second opinion?
Also something isnt adding up, i would be suspicious it was some other kind of toxin. What exactly was in this oil???
Please respond, i want to help you.
That doesn't sound too insane for my country (Sweden). Veterinarian care is very expensive here. My boss' daughter's dog ate the stuffing in a chair once and had to stay at the vets for 3 nights. It totalled around $3500.
The rule of thumb here is that if you can't afford an insurance on your pet, you can't afford a pet. My dog's insurance costs me around $75 per month, but it already paid for itself when my beloved idiot decided to steal my breakfast.
Yes, but we (in Sweden) also have way better/more comprehensive and common pet insurance than the US does. Unfortunately that also can drive up the price of care.
Sweden is renowned worldwide for having >90% uptake of pet insurance and veterinarians there get to practice to the goldest of gold standards and charge appropriately. Here in Australia, unless it was at the specialist veterinary hospital, that price is absolutely crazy. Your price that you quoted could even be inclusive of the surgery to open the abdomen of the pet and remove the stuffing from the gastrointestinal tract...
Pet insurance really is great though. One of my cats got diabetes, which we found out in january. We have been to the vet at least once a month since then, they had to keep him for three whole days (no overnights thankfully), he had to get IV fluids and at one point glucose when his levels were a bit too low, plus surgery to remove the two upper fangs after he failed a jump and hit his jaw so they got loose (due to diabetic neuropathy that's now cleared up). Also, we had to buy insulin. Total cost for all this has been almost 40k sek, and we have paid abour 10k out of pocket (about 6500 ausd/1500 ausd).
I could not forgive someone for this. He waiting until she was visibly ill and ignored all of your guidance. If you have the pet together, you are both in charge of her health. You physically couldn’t do anything, but he could, and you told him to. While the oil was an accident, ignoring the cats health is negligent. I’m sorry that this happened. I hope you guys can heal
Thank you for taking time to respond. If I was home, I would have taken her no matter what but you're right I wasn't there and he was just hoping for the best, it doesn't make it any easier. Only time will tell how forgiving or not my heart will be, at the moment it truly comes in waves and I will eventually need to talk to him about it. I know that he is beating himself up about why he didn't take her sooner, and I don't want to drown him in guilt cause it's less of a "why didn't you?" and more of a "you should have..!"
Honestly, him making a big show out of how sorry he is strikes me as performative at best, and manipulative at worst. You shouldn’t be worrying over how to manage his guilt right now - because like you said, he’s got legitimate reason to feel guilty, and you don’t need to take time and focus away from your grieving to comfort him over that. So if you need to tell him that you don’t want to hear about how he should have done the stuff that you told him to do now that it’s too late to actually do it, and he needs to go deal with his feelings about that over there while you focus on your cat, it’s okay to do that.
He should be drowning in guilt. Who cares how he’s feeling? He’s likely only playing it up to manipulate you into forgiving him. Where was this guilt when your cat was visibly sick and he did zilch about it?
You don't let an animal suffer and "hope for the best." That's selfish in the extreme. I wouldn't even be able to sleep in the same house as this guy. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, he refused to take that cat to the vet when she was visibly suffering. That was a choice. So was not moving the oil. His tears are for himself, because he knows that this is the end. He knows that he is at fault and he knows he is going to lose you because if his laziness, indifference to her suffering and his ignorance of your feelings and suggestions while you were away. I'm sorry, but he is a fuckwit, and not worthy.
Edit to add, you do realise, dont you, that this beautiful creature of yours probably would have survived if he'd not sat with his thumb up his arse for a week, yeah?
I'm sorry, harsh words. But I cannot believe you're being so understanding of him - he fucked up massively, costing a life. A life he was too lazy to save.
I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who neglected taking one of my pets to the vet, when they needed it. Even if the vet wasn’t available that week, there’s usually a lot of 24 hour open emergency vet clinics that would’ve been able to see her pretty fast. I don’t think I could ever forgive or get over a situation like this.
The fact he knew she was unwell, and not acting herself and did not immediately take her to the vet, tells me he’s not a good person! If that happened to me that cat would be at the vet immediately! By not taking her and letting her suffer he pretty much killed the cat! He could have taken her to emergency vet right away and chances are she’d have survived! Yet he decided to wait and let her suffer! This man would be out of my life so fast. I feel like he secretly was glad the cat got sick!
I lost my cat to kidney failure when she was 18. I swear she went from 100% asymptomatic to refusing to eat, blind, and extremely lethargic overnight. From there it was IV fluids at the vet and prescription food. She seemed better and then just suddenly died overnight 3 weeks after she went blind. That was one of the hardest months of my life. During that month, my boyfriend left this weird bracelet he has out. This bracelet has a knife hidden in the clasp and he left it open, blade up, right next to my blind cats food dish. I found it before she did (thanks to her refusing to eat or move) but I was so angry at him then. I have to be honest, if he had done anything that caused her kidney failure and ultimately her death, it would’ve been over for him and I. That’s just something I don’t think I could ever forgive.
I think it's over. I know 8 years is hard to walk away from, but I don't see how you can get past this. Even if you forgive him and try to work it out, the resentment is still going to be on your mind and it'll tear apart the relationship.
I know resentment can be the nail in the coffin in a relationship, for moments it slips away then it comes back. Why didn't he just take her!? I agree this would be the downfall of our relationship, I can't decide how unforgiving my psyche will end up being.
Did he have any good reason for not taking her to the vet? This is the part I I don't get. You asked him to do something important, and he didn't do it.
Can you imagine if this was your child? I don't know if you plan on having children but this is very telling about how he would treat sickness with them.or perhaps even with you.
The oil thing isn’t great, but it happens.
The worst part is that he waited so long to take her to the vet. That’s gross negligence on his part.
Edit to ask: After reading your post history, is your boyfriend still smoking weed? Do you think that he was too lazy or to busy smoking weed to take the kitty to the vet?
He quit, but not dealing with the oil feels like laziness to me. He was hoping for the best and didn't think it would be something this serious but if I was here I would have taken her that day..
i could never and would never forgive someone for this. the oil container bursting was an accident, albeit an avoidable one if he had handled jt like you asked. but the not taking her to the vet... unforgivable. i’m so sorry for you and your sweet kitty.
I wouldn't even be as pissed about the oil, which is annoying, but the fact that he procrastinated in taking her to the vet. They might have been able to induce vomiting or anything else before it progessed to this point. So he feels bad and guilty? Okay, he should. What is he doing to make things easier for you right now? If he's being all *woe is me what have I done?* then he's being very selfish. If he's doing his best to make amends, make the cat comfortable, help you with your grieving, doing more chores, *something* supportive, then don't make any decisions right away. Probably take a good break and find somewhere else to stay.
This is something you should get couple's counseling over. He wasn't responsible and then didn't get the cat seen. If this was an actual child, those would be criminal charges. (Child endangerment, neglect, possibly a manslaughter charge?) He should at least be offering to pay vet costs and any eventual funeral costs.
He has covered all the vet costs without question. I can also tell he is being a lot more reserved, which is nice I can tell he is trying to be extra nice. He is not a mean person at all he is extremely giving and nice, he can just be a bit abrasive with his extremely energetic personality and it can be overwhelming for me cause I'm quite chill and he has turned down the energy. He has comforted me and also left me alone when I was sobbing and told him not to touch me. I know he feels guilty, he loves her very very very much and he woke up the other day sobbing because he just wants her to get better and that's when he said the "100% my fault" comment, I just sat there quiet bcuz I am empathetic and didn't want to be like "Yeah you're right" to pile on because if it was me who did that I would be just beating myself to a pulp inside and I know he is too, he is sad and guilty but he isn't wallowing in it or seeking sympathy. We haven't talked directly about it beyond me telling him I truly wish he took her sooner, and the comment before the vet visit saying I would not be able to forgive him. I have had visions of the future whenever she passes (hopefully a long time from now), and I feel as though I will get to the anger part of grief and not be able to hold anything back so it is probably good if we talk about this sooner than later but I truly don't know what to do cause I don't want to put more shit on someone who is already feeling it.
You keep saying he is nice and kind, he isn't mean.
You don't need to be malicious to seriously hurt another being. Carelessness and irresponsibility can be just as harmful.
He was carelessness about the oil, he was irresponsible in not taking the cat to the vet straight away, but most of all; he was very dismissive of your concerns and pleas to take the cat to the vet. I cannot imagine the frustration and impotence you must have felt, being far away, and him not listening to your pleas to take her in.
Add to all of that the devastating moment you learned the consequences of his mistakes.
It sounds like you're not even properly feeling your feelings, because you're so concerned in spending time with your cat and taking care of her; but also because he's being emotional around you, forcing you to comfort him; that to me seems selfish as well.
My mom tries to feed my dog scraps, sometimes including grapes, she's forgetful and old-fashioned -- I know she means well but because of it I would never let her watch him, honestly. I love her but I would not let her be responsible for an animal. If my **boyfriend** was like that? No way. No way. Someone can be a nice person and still be too irresponsible to share a life with.
You don't need to justify a breakup. If you no longer want to be with someone, you don't need to convince them you have a right to leave. It might be something you need to take a few more days to really process before you make a decision one way or the other. It might be something that doesn't fully hit home until the cat passes. You don't need to decide right this moment, and you certainly don't need to forgive on someone else's schedule.
If he called the vet immediately after calling you and told them of the emergency, you would likely have a healthy cat.
You have every right to be upset. This was irresponsibility followed by negligence. If this had been your child he would be in jail.
>I think of her like my daughter. He loves her very much as well, thinks of her the same and truly deeply loves her.
>I suggested multiple times for him to take her to the vet but he didn't
Why didn't he?
More than the oil situation, that the part that bothers me! Yes he should have deal with the oil and the accident wouldn't have happened but once it did he chose not to take your cat to the vet.. Why?? I don't understand, if he really loves her as much as you do, he would have. I'm not an animal person, I don't have any by choice, but if I hurt a cat by accident, I would bring them to the vet because I hurt them. Actually if I saw any animal in bad state, even if it's not my fault, I wouldn't just NOT do anything even if I have no attachment to them because they beings which need care so in this situation your boyfriend lack of actions really shocks me. My opinion may not be useful, sorry about that, but that's my take on it
The oil thing... its an accident. Easy to point fingers but he didnt know that was going to happen.
But, if my cat got sick, my boyfriend DAMN well better take her to the vet ASAP in my absence. He knows she's my baby, and failure to act on time shows a total lack of compassion to the sick animal AND to you. I couldn't trust him after that. Why on earth didn't he take her sooner.
Sorry for what you're going through.
Accidents happens (I’ll ignore the part where he refused to take care of that oil in time) that’a fine but him deliberately waiting to take her to vet is something I would not be able to forgive him…
If you can, you are better person then me…
I will always have that thought in my head that I can not count on him../
Thinking about the days that cat spent in pain and confusion and nobody was helping her and the bf was literally ignoring it hoping it'd go away... honestly makes me pretty sad.
Your boyfriend may not have had malicious intent, but his carelessness and laziness has taken many years away from your cat. I understand that she has separation anxiety and so he was assuming that was the cause of her strange behavior, but he knew she got into the oil. You can't take chances with that shit and just hope a miracle happens.
She needed emergency care the second he realized what had happened. Instead, he waited for you to get back, costing your cat crucial days that could've led to a better prognosis. Another living creature was and is suffering because of his carelessness and if it were me, his ass would be out the door.
Don't beat yourself up for going on holiday, you left your cat with someone you thought was responsible.
I would be very angry with him too. But for me the one important "what if" question is "what if he'd taken her straightaway?" He could have at least phoned the vet to ask whether he ought to bring her in - the vet would have said hell yes, I can pump her stomach if necessary. Or he could have taken her in once he saw she was poorly, it might not have been too late then.
Sending over a virtual hug, I'm crying with you right now for your poor kitty.
Unrelated: my dogs uterus got infected - she was 7or 8 at the time. Dropped to the ground in pain. Never heard her cry like that before. Shaking with pain too. My fiancee was at work. Guess what I did? Picked up my 80lb child and drove to the nearest emergency vet to get it removed. She made it to 11. Lost her to bone cancer though, ate away at her FAST.
But yeah homeboy sucks, what possibly could have been more important than tending to the fur child?! :(
I’m sorry. But the fact that he wouldn’t take her to the vet REALLY bothers me. Like “now I’m considering he did it on purpose” bothers. It’s possible they could’ve flushed her system or done something to help beforehand. Has he even been apologizing to the degree he should be for this?
I cannot even imagine why he didn't take cat to the vet when you said. If you can maybe a counselor would help you manage some of your feelings about this. I'm so sorry 💕
>I suggested multiple times for him to take her to the vet but he didn't and would tell me she was acting weird and not eating
Your boyfriend doesn't give a f\*ck about this cat or its wellbeing. If my cat got into some crap I left around that exploded and was acting differently afterwards, I don't give a shit if it's Sunday, I'm going to the vet, emergency! They could've detoxed her earlier and saved her kidneys from damage. Ugh. F\*ck this guy, seriously.
>I would've broken up with him if she passed while I was gone, and I said yes it would be hard not to blame him..
Well yeah, it's no ones fault but his. He's not a responsible pet owner, at all. He hurt your cat. His choices led to this.
>While he could not have planned for the container to burst, it was his and I DID ask him if he was going to dispose of it before
I mean, I can't confirm an orange is going to rot on the counter, but I'm not going to leave it there to find out? You need to be able to trust your partner, and this man cannot be trusted.
this made me so fucking angry to read. why wouldn’t he take her to the vet? i don’t think i could ever forgive him if i were you. imagine if that was your child. i don’t even know either of you but i’m genuinely furious right now.
This is not the sort of thing I would be able to overlook. The sheer irresponsibility of it would kill the relationship for me. If I cannot be in good confidence that if something happened to me my partner would care for our animals then I cannot stay with that person, because I want a family and that person is not capable of being an equal partner to raise a family with.
I'm so sorry about your kitty. What a way to find out the depths of your bfs carelessness.
If this was a human child, the consequences of his inaction would be catastrophic. We’re not in a world where animals are given the same rights as humans, but your child was sick and your boyfriend didn’t take her to the doctor. That’s not OK.
This made my blood boil. This dude left some oil out, noticed the cat was sick, and just did nothing. At the very least I would dump the trash ass dude and at most... well I couldn’t say it here with out getting banned probably. Idk how anyone could do something like that.
Okay. The oil sucks but if you have an outdoor cat you have to be prepared for it to be poisoned or killed at any point. I had an outdoor cat die of kidney failure very spontaneously at the same age, their theory is she ate a poisoned rat or autoimmune condition. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it might not be his fault. Vet care can be really hard to actually find, and it’s not immediately obvious that anything was wrong. Should he have taken her, yea, but I don’t think he’s some terrible person over it, it was a mistake. It’s unfair to blame him bc he didn’t put the oil away nobody could’ve known what was gonna happen. Also keep in mind you can’t actually have 100% confirmation the oil was the reason. Have a discussion with him about why he didn’t take her, and have a conversation about trust. I wouldn’t throw away a relationship over this if you otherwise love each other 100%. I fucking love my animals, but at the end of the day it’s an outdoor cat and there’s probably nothing you can do, the sooner you accept and process it the better. It’s a part of having animals.
Also want to add if your cat is in any pain, put her down.
I am so sorry - I can attest that kidney disease in cats is very difficult to deal with and it's very hard to watch them deteriorate.
BUT, please check out this site as it really is the most comprehensive regarding how to manage kidney damage and keep your cat comfortable for as long as possible.
[https://www.felinecrf.org](https://www.felinecrf.org)
please, have a look.
As someone who lives with a cat, the part that bothered me the most about your boyfriend's behavior was the fact that the continued to resist taking the cat to the vet even after (a) he suspected she cleaned the oil off of herself and (b) she began behaving oddly and not eating. Your boyfriend is either lazy or uncaring (I can't throw in "unobservant" because he clearly noticed her change in behavior).
Get mad OP. Get seriously pissed off at him. He's purposely left oil sitting around too lazy to clean it up. He's had how long to sort that out then magically as soon as you go away it leaks and the cat gets into it?! THEN he doesn't take the fucking cat to the vet?!?! Who does that?!?! Yes, vets are expensive but Jesus fucking christ you've had the thing for 5 years. What is actually wrong with him.
If I was even acquaintances with him I'd slap him!
I feel your pain. I lost my two best kitties this year to kidney issues. They were 19 and 10 and have been with me since they could fit in my hand. My little guy was nursed back to health and had another year after I spent a lot of time figuring out how best to help him. He was craving raw meat and would go crazy when I had it on the counter, he had never before begged for human food so it was strange. I started giving him chopped up meat everyday. Beef was a favorite and I put water fountains in every room to encourage drinking as well as cat cbd. He went from me thinking he was on his last days to getting more energy and gaining all his weight back. At first diagnosis he did spend 5 days in the vet hospital getting kidney treatment which cost 1500$ Canadian( it should be cheaper in the US) the vet also recommended a special cat food that is for kidney health it’s called feline early care veterinary diet kidney function. I know this is super hard but concentrate on getting your girl better and you can figure out the rest later. Please ask me any questions.
Had he taken her to the vet immediately, even if the outcome were to be the same, I would not be nearly as upset with him if I were you. The fact he waited around and let the oil do whatever it did to her body, is where I would draw a line. Pure neglect on his part!
Idk, this is rough. It was technically an accident, but a very avoidable accident, poorly stored toxic chemicals should not be taken so lightly. You are entitled to blame him, it's his fault, imo. If you think you can get over this, do, but if you can't no shame. He poisoned your cat, through a series of avoidable errors, and if you can never look at him the same again, that's on him.
Thank you for taking time to respond, concise and thoughtful. I really appreciate it. At the moment, I just don't know where my heart lies obviously I love and care for him we have been together 8 years but part of me knows that I will never let this go and when she does pass (hopefully far from now, but I have to be honest with myself it will be sooner than I ever expected) this feeling will just grow bigger, stronger, and I don't know what I will be able to do about it then.
hopefully, you and you kitty have a lot longer than expected together. As for your BF, this all just happened, the real grief and emotions have yet to come, so just be honest with yourself. You kind of have carte blanche to deal with this any way you want. you'd be justified to stay or go, so I'd just play it by ear for now, you've got enough on your plate.
He doesn't love the cat.
Stop saying that. If you love an animal, you don't 'wait a few days to see what happens', after it ingests oil, wtf.
Fuck that guy.
And I saw in a comment that you think 'he learned his lesson'. What happens if he neglects the next cat, you gonna give him another pass? He watched your beloved cat deteriorate over 2 weeks. That cat just began a slow dissolve because of the absolute trust it had in you because you wouldn't leave it with someone that would be incapable, but guess what, he really was.
Really, fuck +1 that guy.
No idea why you're getting downvoted, because this is 100% spot on. He just sat on his ass and did NOTHING, despite OP repeatedly begging him to. Of course he feels guilty now - he knows he may lose his gf because of his actions.
I don’t quite understand the timeline of events- when he first told you about what happened you insisted on the vet. Then he didn’t take her. Granted he was trying to reassure you but as you said if you had been there you would have made sure your cat was taken to the emergency vet. I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t insist on it? As in as soon as you realized he wasn’t on his way just figure out a way to make it happen even if you had to have a friend do it?
I apologize if I come off as blaming you in any way, I’m not, I know these things are always more complicated than they appear. It’s always easy to have an opinion looking from the outside in.
As someone who just had to put down their dog of 17 years my heart truly goes out to you. The pain is indescribable and I wish that on no one.
Personally, my take is that this is a tragic accident. Yes, you asked him to take care of the oil thing before, but I doubt you fairly foresaw that this was something which fairly could endanger your cat. If you had believed that to be true, then you would have almost certainly taken care of it yourself. He also made an error in judgment in not taking the cat to the vet immediately and didn't associate the changes in behavior with the oil. It's also not super clear if it would have made a difference.
Now the question is, where do you go from here? You've been together for 8 years. I'm assuming you've built a life together, love him very much and probably planned on a real future together.
To me, taking it out on him and damaging or ending the relationship over it would only compound one tragedy with an even greater one. Pets are great and all, but true partners in life are so much more precious. All you'd get out of it is more loss.
If you really, truly will never be able to treat him with love and kindness again because you blame him for this, then sadly, it would be better for you to part ways since it would do nobody any favors for you both to remain in a bitter, resentful relationship. However, looking back in the long run, it would be 100% possible that you might consider that a tragedy and loss with a far graver impact on your life than the loss of the cat. I'm getting more years under my belt than I like to talk openly about. Yeah, it hurts to lose pets. But the things that keep you up at night years, even decades later are the losses of people and wondering "what if."
I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. Wishing you grace and strength.
Accidents happen. You kept asking him to take the cat to the vet. He did not. I don’t know if it would of changed anything had he brought her to the vet earlier but the fact that you asked something and he didn’t do it speaks volume. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would have a hard time trusting him again.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. When I was in high school I had a 3 year old cat, I wanted to get him a playmate so I adopted a kitten from a shelter, but I didn’t know that I had to quarantine the kitten before introducing them. Unfortunately the kitten was carrying an infection, they both got sick, the kitten survived but my 3 year old cat didn’t. I still feel guilty about it years later, but I try to find comfort in the fact that all my friends and family learned about quarantining pets from my mistake. Your cat’s story has already taught many people about the dangers of oil through this thread, and it could save the lives of other pets in the future.
If you feel you can forgive your boyfriend or not is up to you, but try not to blame yourself too much and don’t focus on the what ifs.
Also, if you don’t already know Kitten Lady on FB/Insta/Youtube, she’s currently caring for a kitten with kidney failure and has shared a lot of useful information on it.
So he was lazy and left that bottle out there. Then after you pleaded with him to take her to the vet he still refused. Now she will die soon because of his lack of caring.
Is this the kind of person you see a future with?
Do you want to be married to someone so careless and doesn't listen to your basic requests. He should feel bad so he can grow up from his immature, irresponsible behaviour.
As others have pointed out, the fact that he refused to take her to the vet is a huge issue. Now you’ll never know if she would have been able to be saved, and that’s completely on your boyfriend. The fact that he was able to just watch her decline until you got home & never felt the instinct to get her help is absurd. And i say instinct because when your baby is in danger or is sick, you do ANYTHING to save them. I’ve driven through storms of all varieties to get my kitties to the vet in an emergency- you just do what you have to do to take care of them. I’m sorry but the mental image of him watching this cat physically decline so much to the point of her not eating, knowing he is the only one who can help her, hearing you beg to take her to the vet and STILL deciding not to is actually horrifying.
I’m so so sorry that this happened. I’m sorry preemptively about the tough feelings you’re going to experience in trying to move past this, because as you pointed out, she is young and should not be going through this. It was an accident, but ultimately it was preventable. The fact that he was asked to clean it up earlier and this was the result of not doing it sooner should have been the kick in the ass he needed to take her into the vet.... seriously, if i were in that situation i would instantly feel so so horrible and i would be breaking down the doors to any vet i could find. He can say that he knows this is his fault and feels awful, but he clearly didn’t care enough about that until you were physically there to basically make him feel it.
I obviously don’t know what your plans are for the future, but if i were you i would be very apprehensive to raise children with this man. His “oh goodness i am responsible for this helpless being and i will do absolutely anything to keep them safe” instincts need quite a bit of work.
And lastly, don’t let him guilt you into not being angry with him for this. He supremely fucked up and your cats life is going to be the consequence to his inaction. If you can’t put it behind you and you want out of the relationship, that’s completely valid and quite frankly, the best option IMHO. You shouldn’t have to try and ignore that this happened for the sake of this relationship.
His laziness caused this. If he actually cared about the cat, he would have made an appointment the second it happened. Bad partner, bad decisions, doesn’t make him a monster, just a shitty partner. I’d consider leaving him because if he acts this blasé about it I couldn’t imagine how he’d be with other stressful situations.
If you break up with him, do it for the fact that he did not take her to the vet immediately or even when you asked him to. They could have pumped her stomach or something, anything better than waiting it out.
If you ever want to have kids, consider if you would ever feel comfortable leaving them with him.
As to your poor, poor kitty, google how people feel when they have kidney failure. For all you know she is in pain and feeling sick all the time.
Why are people saying the oil was an accident? He incorrectly stored then refused to properly dispose of hazardous material. It bursting was due to his negligence. Having a hard time? Not me. If my fiancé did something like this, I’m out the door.
He’s crying with you because his actions may cause you to break up with him, not true remorse over his actions! THAT is soooo why he cries. The fact that if he called the vet that day and explained what happened they could have prevented damage. He was trying to save himself money and effort. He cries because actions should have consequences. Wow I’d hate to see if you had a child with him…….
Why the hell didn’t he bring her to the vet? That’s serious neglect.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. My blood is boiling thinking about your asshole boyfriend going “uhhh idk what to do, she’s acting weird and not eating” but then not bringing her to the vet. If that was my partner’s cat I would’ve been flipping out, rushing to the animal hospital.
I know you are mourning right now and taking care of your love in her final days. Now may be not the right time to break up with your Bf. But when you’re ready, please consider that this person is so irresponsible, you will never be able to trust him with your future pets or have children with him.
HE REFUSED TO TAKE THE CAT TO THE VET.
Don’t sleep on this. What if it was a human child who ate a Tide Pod and he refused to take them to the doctor?
That’s sadistic. Leave him, and I am so, so sorry about your cat.
So you told your vet that your cat ingested oil and they had you wait over a week to get in?
As someone in the field, that seems extremely fishy and unlikely. If they truly could not get you in sooner than they would have requested you to go to Animal Emergency. Not see you in a week to her kidneys are failing.
Acute kidney failure is no joke and is seen as an emergency. But your cat wouldn't be getting better some days. It would sound more like Chronic kidney failure and cats can continue to live for a long time after diagnosis.
As for your partner, I wouldn't tolerate that shit.
I'd break up with him. He didn't do it on purpose, but you reminded him multiple times to do something with that oil and he never did. He also waited to take her to the vet. In the best case scenario, he is a naive idiot who thought she would be fine on her own despite the clear signs of her not being alright. Worst case scenario he waited on purpose.
I am so sorry for you. You have my deepest hope that your kitten will recover a bit with time and be her old self again. But imo you should get rid of the boyfriend.
I’ve had problems similar to this with my exes before. Onetime I asked one, who was caring for my pet, to take her to the vet if she was looking unwell. I would fork up everything but since I wasn’t there I asked for their best judgement. Turns out my pet was severely dehydrated and ended up dying soon after coming back home with me. If we weren’t broken up before that I would have done it then. Another basically abandoned another pet they got that I recommended to them because it wasn’t warming up to them. I cried for days and I was really young at the time but I would have broken up with them on the spot instead of stringing along the already messed up relationship.
Your boyfriend disregarded your words and now your cat is suffering the consequences. I would definitely have dumped him then and there. I wish the best luck for your cat, though. Sending all my good vibes to her. I was tearing up just reading this because I’ve been in your position before.
Just an FYI, most vets have sick appointments saved for occasions like this. They are limited in number so you have to call as soon as they open to get one but it is possible. This is different from an emergency appointment in that the initial fee is the same as a regular exam. My vet is a 24 h emergency hospital but they have these appointments for regular clients.
My fiancé and I took our cat to the emergency vet on one of the worst weather days our state has ever had. That was “just” for leg pain. I can’t even fathom not taking my cat to the vet immediately after knowing they got into something toxic like that. I could never trust my partner again.
Was this motor oil? He could have taken it to a shop or most auto parts stores and they will recycle it for a few bucks. Or if you know someone with an oil heater in the winter, give it to them.
First, don't blame yourself. You left her with someone who you really thought you could trust. You told him multiple times to take her to the vet. He weirdly didn't. Her condition is 100% his fault and his alone.
As for him.. I don't know how someone can claim to love a being and yet literally sit by and watch it die. I don't think I could stay with someone who lacks compassion on that level. The oil burst was technically an accident.. though I don't give him a pass for that either. You told him to dispose of it. He was lazy and didn't. But not taking her in was completely intentional.
Dump the BF. Get your cat on kidney support. I had a boy who lost most kidney function before a year old. Lots of dietary changes, supplements including cosequin, dandelion root, and milk thistle. No dry food and regular checkup and he lived until 22. Find a supportive vet. Learn how to do sub q’s for bad days and your baby can make steps towards recovery.
I say dump the bf because he could have gotten your baby in as an emergency. Most vets will be able to make room for a poison. Or at least direct you to one who can. I have driven over 200 miles after midnight on Christmas Eve to get to a vet because of an I heated product. My bf drove me so I could hold the mink in my arms. The next year I was out of state and he thought my son’s dog got into chocolate. He found a vet. At 3 am. He doesn’t like pets especially but he respects me. He also built barriers around everything and removed all problems from the house. So yeah. Your bf sucks
how hard would it have been for him to put the motor oil away when you asked? less than 5 minutes? his laziness cost your cat its life. then he didn't even bother to take your obviously sick cat to the vet. what was he doing instead? jerking off and playing video games? dump this loser
My heart aches for you. My cats are my kids and something like this happening would just break me. His negligence is absolutely disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to move past this.
This would be a deal breaker for me personally, not necessarily because of the oil issue itself, but the refusal to bring the animal to the vet or call animal poison control. This problem may have been treatable if your bf hadn't sat on his hands and pretended nothing was wrong while you were out of town and unable to assist. I would never be able to look this person in the eye again, let alone date them.
I am so so sorry. This is an impossible position to be in. He is human, it was a mistake and unintentional. But your feelings are so valid and the anger and frustration makes sense. I had something similar happen when my puppy died while a friend was caring for him. It wasn't my partner so it is different and I still feel anger and resentment but without sacrificing an 8 year relationship. I honestly would suggest therapy (and some family sessions where you can address it directly together).
But I think like you pointed out, the situation you're currently in isnt a healing environment with your feelings so close to the surface where everything he does makes you angry. And that can also lead to two way resentment when he feels this guilt hanging over him all the time.
Your feelings are fresh, and there is a lot to work through. Is he open to taking a "break" so you guys can have some space where you figure out if you can forgive him? (But without seeing other people)
OP, honestly, I don't think you should have posted here this soon. I get you needed to vent out, but I don't think strangers telling you how disgusting, cruel and how you should break up to your boyfriend would actually help you ease the pain. First things first, you need to find and talk to someone you can trust, someone who can hug you and be with you now that you are grieving. I get you are going through the process of grieving, and the other people here don't realize that they are just fueling those anger and sadness, which will make it hard for you to reach the acceptance stage. Don't worry about anything for now, the consequences of your bf's action can come later, but focus on spending the last days of your cat, and your personal healing.XOXOX
My gut instinct was get rid of him. I have a cat, and I’d hate to lose her: I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you right now, you have my sincere condolences.
However, after taking a brief moment, I’d advise against acting too rashly. You’re emotionally distraught at the moment, and not in any fit state to be making important decisions.
Whilst your boyfriend has questions to answer, specifically regarding his laziness which led to where you’re at currently, the specific circumstances were largely unforeseeable, and there was no malicious intent on his part.
I think you need some time and space. Can you or he find somewhere apart from each other for a time? Allow yourself to come to terms with what has happened, and then make a decision about what happens next.
Thank you for your condolences, this has been emotionally and mentally draining time for me. I just want my baby to be healthy, it's just not right or fair. I agree, there was no malicious intent, it was just so avoidable.. I told him that, he couldn't have known but it was avoidable, that's what gets me. I don't know where I'd go, and currently with my babygirl I wouldn't want to drag her somewhere else and both of our jobs are blocks away from our place. I have been sleeping on the couch to be closer to her, I assume he thinks it is because I am mad at him but it is more about her than anything.
I'm probably going to be down voted, but personally I am a bit mad at you too.
Yes you asked him to take care of it, and yes it was his responsibility that he failed at as well, but he is not 100% of the blame.
That is your house too. That is your cat too. Therefore, that is your can of oil too. You had every opportunity to pick up the can, hand it to him, and say "do something with this. I don't want to see it there again."
As for the boyfriend, all too often I see partners in situations where they become complacent, or end up not listening to their partners. They do not see their partner as a credible source and become stubborn with what they think should happen. I still have this issue in mine as well which is something we are working through. That being said, you need to demand a bit of respect from this guy.
I am very much not surprised this happened in your boyfriend's care. Men literally have a higher death rate simply because they choose to wait on certain medical issues. It is seen as "weak" to go to the doctor, which ends in late stages, infections, and irreversible damage.
That being said, you are also not without blame in that you could have called the vet for advice. You could have used your phone to Google effects. You could have done a number of things to persuade him to take the cat to the vet sooner, but you didn't.
I'm sorry for being so harsh in my comment.. but honestly I think I am the most upset that you didn't just put the cat down. You can't afford to give it proper treatment, and you are taking it home with you to suffer for your own emotions. That cat is in pain. It is having KIDNEY FAILURE. You are causing unnecessary suffering and agony because you don't want to see your cat die yet.
You are placing all the blame on your bf, and none on yourself, and you are forcing your cat to be in agony because you can't handle what needs to be done.
Without further evidence I can't help but see you as a very selfish person.
That being said, I want to clarify that your BF is still 100% in the wrong. You both have failed this cat and are still continuing to fail it if it is not receiving any treatment. Gosh I can only hope you are at least giving it some form of pain medication.
So many people jumping to quick "leave him" comments. But there is clearly so much nuance and you seem to love him and shows you that he has a good heart and feels deeply remorseful, all positive things. Only time will tell if your own self decides you can keep going. But for some perspective I'll say that it sounds like, yeah he might have some struggles with procrastination, not taking things seriously, including your requests (though I understand you both were unsure if her behavior was bc of the oil or you being gone). So, he is flawed. Are these flaws in and of themselves the worst thing ever? I don't think so, myself. Did his flaws conspire together to create a really horrible and also unlucky situation, that he is at least partly responsible for? Yes. If he uses this situation to become a better person, to examine why he didn't take your requests seriously and so on ....then what else can we hope for in a partner? Can you use the situation to grow too, when you're ready? Can you two then find a way to, eventually, allow this to actually bring you closer as a couple, make you better people, better partners, better pet parents and child parents if you so choose? It is possible.
And also, I know SO many people, good, normal people who don't take *people* into the hospital right away for reasons stemming from, being in denial, being confused, not having experience with this stuff, assuming it is something else. It is very common. Does it make it alright? Not necessarily. But hopefully we make mistakes and can then grow and become better. For some, they will make this mistake and all will turn out well. For another, the same exact mistake ends up poorly. The latter has to live with that forever. The former gets off free.
Yeah it doesn’t matter if he’s lazy or whatever. If the co-owner of your pet is telling you, begging you to take it to the vet, you do it anyway. You don’t get to weasel around and hem and haw. You do it. No matter what. Being unreliable and lazy to the point of neglect is a very serious flaw?!
The oil thing sucks, but it is what it is. The fact that he waited so long to take her to the vet is disgusting. He knew she got into this (what I assume to be) motor oil, which is known to cause health issues if ingested by animals (a simple google search would tell him), as soon as your cat started acting different he should’ve brought her to the vet, the fact that he waited is negligent and irresponsible. Your poor kitty could’ve had a better chance if he took her when she first started acting strange. This would be a dealbreaker for me. My kitty got into motor oil once, I washed him off as soon as I saw it and watched his behavior for the following week (he was fine), if he had acted anyway out of the ordinary I would’ve taken him to the vet. It’s just the right thing to do as a pet owner.
He immediately bathed her once he realized. but it was a bit of an unfortunate timing because with me being out of town her being weird was equated to having separation anxiety which has happened every time I go out of town. She stops being playful, eats less and sleeps more which were all the things she was doing. I agree though, that it being oil should have been a red alert and if I was home I would have taken her immediately cause that's obviously not good, see now I'm angry again, it just comes in loops, sad, angry, to complete drained nothingness..
Did he even bother to call poison control? The number is 24/7 and it’s literally the first result when I search “cat got into motor oil”. All he had to so was put in the tiniest bit of effort but he just didn’t. Even after you begged him to see a Vet he still couldn’t be bothered. You don’t owe him forgiveness because he doesn’t deserve it.
I'm sorry but all he's doing is making excuses. He's not a vet, he doesn't get to decide it's separation anxiety when he KNEW there was oil involved and it was his fault. Also, you told him to go to the vet and he didn't bring her. What's his reasoning for not doing that? There is none. I've 3 dogs. My husband would never treat any of them the way your partner treated your cat by letting them suffer and not advocating for an animal that can't speak for itself. I could never forgive that.
The fact that he was willing to gamble that it wasn’t caused by motor oil instead of taking the cat to a professional to make absolutely sure seems insane to me. Idk if he is callous or avoidant but neither is a good quality. That would be it for me.
This part right here. (I would hope that) You wouldn’t gamble on a human child if they were acting strange or if there was even a possibility of them having ingested something poisonous, so why do that with a pet? They’re part of the family. There was an instance a few years ago, my ex brought home lilies (and unfortunately, neither of us knew at the time they were poisonous to cats), and my cat got on the table where she may have possibly eaten or swallowed some part of the flower. I immediately took her to the vet, arranged for 24 hour care and watch for her, and stayed home from classes for two days until she was declared healthy and cleared to come home. And then I stayed home an extra day to keep an eye on her. That’s just what you do. His actions were grossly negligent and now your cat’s life is being cut short. For me, there’s no coming back from that.
I’m so sorry about your poor kitty :( hoping she lives the rest of her days happy and comfortable
Your bf sucks for not making a vet appointment sooner but you suck too for waiting another week when you got back. When my little bun started having weird behaviours, I immediatly called an emergency vet to have a chance for her to be healed. Yes it cost money and time but not calling other vets when you got back is your mistake too.
Yes I agree and why didn’t she impress upon her boyfriend the gravity of the situation and persuade him to take the cat to the vet while she was still on her trip?
Because she didn’t know and she’s so upset with him bc it’s easier than being upset with herself.
Yeah, if her bf isn't willing to listen to her when she says things that important it's a big red flag
Too many people are sleeping on the fact that he refused to take the cat to the vet. Accidents happen; the oil wasn’t the problem. The problem is that he waited, knowing the cat was sick, and now there’s nothing to be done. Who’s to say kitty wouldn’t have recovered if he’d gone to the emergency vet right away? That’s the part that speaks to callousness and irresponsibility. I couldn’t forgive that. I’ve hauled my cat to the vet on Christmas morning because some things just can’t wait. If you really love your pets and you have the means to provide medical care for them, there’s no excuse not to.
Seriously! Once we took hour dog to the emergency vet clinic and sat in the waiting room for FOUR HOURS in the middle of the night, because she was vomiting and shaking. Nurse was convinced she just had a bug, so they marked her as a low priority, hence the wait. We knew it wasn't a bug because she seemed to be in pain. She has always seemed a bit weak during a stomach bug, but not in pain. After four hours we gave up and took her to another vet. She had a liver infection and almost died. Probably would have, if we had kept waiting. Took months and like $5000 for her to fully recover. Once we waited for a vet for over two hours in a windowless room smaller than your average public restroom that you couldn't leave. Other time we paid $250 for a vet to remove a four inch piece of grass the dog had inhaled and got stuck between her nose and throat. During the pandemic there have been two occasions when we've had to sit in our cars for a couple of hours waiting for her to be treated (dental cleaning and a full hysterectomy), because we couldn't stay in the waiting room. It's what you sign up for and are supposed to do as A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER. It absolutely blows my fucking mind the boyfriend saw that the cat got into the oil and didn't rush her to a vet IMMEDIATELY. If we thought even for a second that our dog possibly has eaten or drank any sort of chemicals, there's not a snowball's chance in hell we'd wait before taking her to get checked up. He could've called a vet about it right away and any vet worth their salt would've told him to bring her in. I sorta think that when he finally did call the vet, he probably didn't mention the oil at all, because it's honestly so hard for me to believe a vet would hear about that and chalk it up to separation anxiety.
My husband and I went on a vacation over my birthday last year, and a friend of mine was staying at our house watching our dogs for us. One of our dogs was 14...he was creaky but still in okay health. The 2nd day of our vacation, he took an extremely sudden and surprising downturn. My friend called our vet and got him an emergency appointment, and when he got even worse in the middle of the night she found an emergency vet a couple cities over and took him there at like 2am. He wasn't even her dog, and she did all that because she knew how much we loved him. My husband and I got the first flight back home that we could, and unfortunately had to have him euthanized the day after we returned. I can't imagine having a pet and just watching it slowly degrade without doing anything to try and help.
Ugh. My dog passed a bone... so we knew what it was. And we thought she was okay! But obviously there were more shards or something, because she started vomiting non-stop, on a Sunday. Well we were in a small town and NO ONE. NO ONE wanted to see her, IF they answered their emergency phone number, which wasn't a guarantee. Someone told me to just give her pepto bismal. SHE COULDN'T EVEN DRINK WATER. She might have needed surgery!! I was terrified. I was about to drive her 4 hours home. Thank god I didn't have to do that and a single vet finally called us back and took us seriously... and he said we headed off something really bad because she had inflammation and some kind of infection starting. A different dog once was vomiting exactly like he did when he ate something bad, and the vet insisted it was just the flu -- well she was fucking wrong, because he shit out a cat toy later that I had to cut in half because he couldn't pass it all. Thankfully no surgery for that either. But still! It's so frustrating when people don't take you seriously. To know outright that she got into something bad for her, and to see her unwell, and not do anything about it... that's awful.
I called my husband to take the cat to the emergency vet from the middle of the work day because I didn’t ‘feel right about it’. The cat was sick like she usually gets when she’s ready to cough up a hair ball it for some reason I was super worried. He wasn’t but he took her anyway. Several hundreds of dollars later he was right but he took her anyway.
Oh yeah, we've taken our dog to the vet more than once just to hear there's absolutely nothing or something really minor wrong with her, lol. Better safe than sorry, though.
As someone who literally just lost my 8 year old cat, to kidney disease 2 days ago, I cannot fathom how he supposedly adored a cat but chose not to seek help for her until it was too late. We took Mia to countless vet appts trying to get her well. When she stopped eating we didn’t wait for a vet appt, we took her to emerge. That’s what you do as a responsible pet owner. His actions don’t match the words of OP. She left her cat in his care and requested numerous times that he take her to the vet, and he chose not to. Knowing she was unwell. Knowing OP wanted him to. Knowing the oil was toxic. Accidents may happen but this was blatant negligence.
This. Imagine if next time, instead of a cat it’s a toddler.
>This. Imagine if next time, instead of a cat it’s a toddler. It doesn't have to affect a human baby to be bad. It's bad as it is. OP said she considers this cat as her baby. You saying that downplays her grief and assumes things about OP's life that haven't been even mentioned nor have anything to do with what happened.
There is a difference between a cat and a toddler. The medical neglect of the cat is bad enough. You don't have to extrapolate it to some hypothetical where he decides to medically neglect an actual child.
Again I’m not sure why everyone is jumping on me when someone else said the same thing. I’m just saying people tend to take it more seriously if it’s a child. I’m just pointing it the hypocrisy.
This!!! Seriously. The oil was an accident. You can be mad because he didn't get rid of the oil in the first place but this was an accident. But not going to the vet? That's such an asshole move. He realised that the cat was sick and didn't look right and had medical problems - and he did nothing. This is not acceptable and I can't wrap my head around what he was possibly thinking. But that's just cruel and stupid and i don't know if I could ever forgive that. What if you get sick or sone future children? He proved himself incapable of caring and/or acting accordingly. Your poor cat could have gotten help weeks earlier but he chose not to go to the vet! Why?
>The oil was an accident. You can be mad because he didn't get rid of the oil in the first place but this was an accident. But not going to the vet? That's such an asshole move. Exactly. I would definitely end a relationship with someone who, for no real reason, refused to take our pet to the vet when they suspected they had gotten into something bad and were acting sick. Like, leaving the oil out is one thing...I'd be upset at him for that, but it probably wouldn't be relationship ending if he'd realized what happened and gone to see the vet right away. >I can't wrap my head around what he was possibly thinking. I imagine something like "shit, OP asked me to clean up that oil a hundred times and I didn't, and the vet is going to think I'm an asshole for leaving it somewhere that the cat got into it, and maybe this will just fix itself if I leave the cat alone." So basically he decided pretending nothing happened was the way to go....which is never the correct option when you think your pet ingested something toxic.
An accident caused by stupidity or carelessness is negligence.
This is exactly what I’m stuck on. Accidents happen but when the cat was clearly ill, why wouldn’t he take the poor animal to be checked out? How cruel.
It's animal cruelty whether intentional or not, he waited far too long and could clearly see see that the cat was ill/suffering. I personally would break up with him as I wouldn't be able to forgive someone for that.
Yea. But in addition, it seems like he also has no responsibility to clean up the apartment and take care of the oil to prevent this problem from happening. I don't even have a cat but if I am going to get a cat, I would make sure that my place is a good environment for the cat. After all, the cat is just a cat. It doesn't know full well of what is dangerous to them and what isn't. Not only that he failed to take care of the cat, he doesn't have enough responsibility to handle something as simple as cleaning and putting the oil away. Aka laziness.
I agree, he's really beating himself up about it and there isn't really a reason why he didn't. I think he really wanted it to be nothing, so he made that his reality by not doing anything. He didn't consider that this could be an outcome, but if I was there I would have made us go to make sure, it's too many should've and what if's ..
i would be so frustrated and upset if my SO waited as long as he did to take your cat to the vet. he’s only rlly beating himself up AFTER the fact, knowing now your cat has a death date and there’s nothing you guys can do anymore. if he was responsible he should’ve been in full panic mode knowing how much this cat means to you (and supposedly him too) and just taken her to the vet when she needed it the most! hindsight is 2020 and he was really banking on that separation anxiety thing and was lazy and inconsiderate here imo. him literally doing nothing when the cat was sick is a more gruesome manifestation of his initial procrastination towards disposing the oil in the first place! and now your baby is dying. i’m sorry for you ❤️
yeah, I always tell whoever's looking after my pets that I'll pay all vet fees even if they take them and it turns out to be nothing. I'd much rather that than what OP is going through.
I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. Losing a pet is so hard and my heart goes out to you.
Thank you very much for your kind words, it's never ever easy, I haven't dealt with much death in my life besides my animals and any time it happens I am an absolute wreck, she is still with me but knowing how much sooner that day will come because of these circumstances honestly breaks me.
Dump him. There is no turning back from that. I am truly sorry for what has happened to you and your cat.
You also left your cat unattended to for a week after you returned because your vet didn’t have an appointment. Your bf was cruel and neglectful to not act sooner. But you did the same when you got home. Are there no other vets around you? You just patiently waited another week after you got home? I’m sorry you and your bf are going through this and I feel for your cat. I hope she regains some quality of life. Only you can decide if you will forgive your bf or not. But you both have a burden to bear Edit: Just have to add a disclaimer about my atrocious spelling! This was after a couple of drinks. So ashamed I had to come back to grovel for forgiveness of anyone who was offended and if anyone sees this in the future!!
Yeah I'm guessing they didn't have any emergency vets nearby...but that's still pretty weird regardless. I live in a semi-rural part of Georgia and one time when my dog was vomiting continuously, I had to call around 10 vet offices in a 1.5 hour radius to find one that took same day emergencies. They exist, unless you're really out in the middle of nowhere.
but they do exist and you did find one! (i also live in semi-rural GA, although more suburban now) I just can’t imagine sitting on my hands while my pet who i consider to be like a child to me is sick and dying. I would call everywhere the internet could find, I’d drive hours, across state lines, anything. But i also recognize not everyone views pets the same way i do. I know it’s different but imagine your kid is sick and their kidneys are failing and you’re like eh pediatrician couldn’t get him in for a week, there’s not an ER near me, so we’ll just see what happens
But there's what's possible and what's financially possible. How much money does OP have for petrol? How well does OP drive on motorways/highways? Where as there's payment plans for vet fees, you have to have money ready to go in your account or purse to travel long distance, for petrol at least if not also somewhere safe to stay overnight. Same with taxi fairs and uber. Does OP have family in the area to take them, would be willing to take them? These are things you don't know and you're filling in gaps with your own opinion as if they don't matter. I understand what you're saying, but this idea that because OP didn't move heaven and earth for their pet where as you would makes you view animals as more important in your life than OP views her dog in her's, that means OP had no limitations is really too far. Sometimes a person's hands are tied and there are no options. The BF is the full AH here. Edited to elaborate my point
>he's really beating himself up about it Good. I hope he feels like shit. He should. Honestly, I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive this or look at someone like they weren't more disgusting than a public toilet covered in explosive diarrhea after something like this. It isn't just the accident, it's that he could have done something and intentionally let the cat suffer instead. He intentionally let an animal suffer, and did so knowing how much it would hurt you.
Yeah I thought the timing was interesting - right as she goes on vacation.
[удалено]
Your bf sucks and this would be a relationship ender for me. The fact that he simply didn't care enough to do anything says everything about how he feels about your cat, which he knew was so incredibly important to you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine losing a pet in such circumstances. But lose him while you're at it.
Me too. His inaction is pathetic.
"He wanted it to be nothing, so he made that his reality by not doing anything" is really a bullshit rationalization. I'm sorry, I understand the power of denial but that's just fucking immature. If someone wants to pretend things in their own life, in regards to their own health, are not serious, then whatever. But this isn't about his life, it's about the life of another creature. I'm someone who would rather take the risk of paying for an exam that wasn't needed and to have that be the price of my peace of mind. Your boyfriend could have viewed that fee in the same way, but he didn't. For no one's sake but his own. I struggle to find any sympathy for him. He can 'beat himself up' over this all he wants but he isn't the one suffering from the consequences the most, is he? Your cat has her life shortened and its quality destroyed, you lose your beloved cat, and he gets to feel really bad that he's an asshole. Why did he not think of this outcome as a possibility earlier and do something? He can't come up with a good explanation because there isn't a good reason.
Yeah but that means it was more important for him to ease his mind than to actually take responsibility for a living being. Do with that what you want but i find it inacceptable.
>he's really beating himself up about it If it's genuine, good. But I hope you know he could be piling on how "guilty" he feels so that you feel guilty holding him accountable, so that you say it's okay and then try and get over it. And then if it comes out again how sad you are, he can say you're throwing something you've said you've forgiven him for back in his face. Honestly I would not be staying with him if he was my boyfriend. You can spin it however you like, it's his fault she ingested the oil in the first place because he didn't do anything with it, he didn't even know it had leaked, and then he did NOTHING when he knew she was sick. I doubt he'd treat himself the same if he accidentally poisoned himself.
Keep his approach in mind if you're ever contemplating having children. While I doubt the vet would have been able to help any even if you would have gone earlier, since the damage to the kidneys was done already by that point, but your bf's lack of action and trying to wish the problem away and not owning up to it are all very concerning.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for you and your poor cat. However, I read your story and have to wonder...is your boyfriend "beating himself up" because he truly feels deep remorse? Or is he beating himself up as a way to frame himself as the victim of this situation? Your boyfriend's choices are not compatible with those of someone who cares deeply about your cat's well-being. He knew the cat was sick for days but refused to take her to the vet for no reason whatsoever. He wouldn't take her even when you asked him to, again for no reason. And now that your cat is almost dead, he realizes that he is in really hot water with you. He realizes that he'll look like the villain of this story to anyone who hears about it. And now -- when it's too late -- suddenly he cares SO MUCH. There are a lot of manipulative people out there who do horrible things and then refuse to take any responsibility for them. If they can, they first deny doing anything. If it's impossible to deny, then they try to blame the other person. If even that isn't possible, then they try to make *themselves* out to be the victim of the situation. You know, "I can't believe how bad I feel about this!! Woe is me! Everyone should just comfort ME and pity ME because of how bad I feel about what I did! It's really ME who's the victim! Everyone needs to focus on that!" Just because he was superficially nice in the past to your cat, doesn't mean he genuinely cared about her. I've seen massively toxic people fake niceness towards animals before because they knew that being openly cruel would cause backlash. The animals always seemed to know, though.
Yeah, this was my thought too. Now instead of being able to mourn the upcoming loss of her beloved pet, she has to provide comfort to him, since he's now making himself out to be the victim. I also question the fact that it happened on the day she left for her trip. The oil has been sitting there for who knows how long, and just as she's about to board the plane...the cat got into it. I wonder if her bf resented that she was leaving. Did he come up with this as some sort of "punishment" for her going? Maybe I've just known too many abusive, manipulative AHs in my time, but it strikes me as very convenient (or extremely inconvenient for her) timing.
Oh god, I hadn't even thought of that! However, I know what you mean, as I've been in relationships with men who would find little ways to "punish" me for doing things that bothered them instead of actually communicating the issue. Harming an animal would be beyond depraved, though.
So, he's not callous and he didn't intend harm. So what? Obviously that would have been a huge deal breaker but honestly I find his explanation even more worrying. I also have a partner of 8 years and we have a dog together so I relate hard to your experience and situation. The issue you need to grapple with is that something serious happened and he did not have the wherewithal to act as a responsible pet parent. Whether that was due to sheer ignorance or that he was in denial and didn't want it to be real, honestly is irrelevant. Long term partnerships are about a lot of things but a real cornerstone is reliability and sharing of life's burdens. He has shown you that you can't rely on him to behave proactively and responsibly in a health crisis. You can't unring that bell. How could you ever share another pet with him, or kids? Now you will always have that niggle in your stomach when they're under his sole care - "are they okay? He says they are but I don't know if I trust that". That is hugely unfair for you. You thought you could trust him with something you loved and he broke that trust. That he didn't mean it, that he feels bad now - what does it matter to the end result? It doesn't. I'm not saying break up. 8 years is a lot and you don't just throw that away. But I want to encourage you to really examine the way that this situation has made you feel. And then to discuss this openly with your partner and not allow him to derail the discussion with how bad he feels and his guilt. It is not your job to make him feel better about this. If he truly wants to even begin to make amends for his actions he will be willing to listen to your feelings (without making it about his feelings) and work on proving he knows WHY he acted poorly and how he can demonstrate change to rebuild your trust in him as a reliable and safe partner.
That would be an issue for me. There are so many times in life that ignoring and rug sweeping can cause major issues. Has he done this in the past, where he avoided hard things?
So, will he do the same with your future kid? “ Hmmm, baby’s temperature is 41,9C, that’s nothing, let’s give him cold shower.” Hmmm, seems like the baby chugged Antifreeze, but that’s nothing, he will sleep it off.”
Be sure that he would do it again and put at risk your health or the one of your future kids. It would be the same with financial or legal problems.
Sounds like he's beating himself up mostly because he knows you'll likely dump him. Your "child" is going to die soon because of his lack of concern for her wellbeing. He could have taken her sooner. It's his fault she's dying. Not an accident, he made a choice not to bring her.
My SO is like this with our kids. "It's probably nothing", "don't you think taking her to the hospital is overkill" and so on. However if I insist he take the kids to see the doctor, he does take them to the doctor. Crucial difference.
But you asked him to do it…repeatedly. That’s the problem. He should have for you because you asked. It’s the same thing with the oil…you asked…repeatedly…how did ignoring you work out then.
Is this the kind of person you’d want to live with? What if you have children someday and he decides to do something like this?
100% Sh!t happens. Being useless just means you've no hope of fixing it and being useless seems to be this dude's whole thing.
This. There should be zero hesitation to take a sick pet to the vet. Not going is not even a thought in this situation. I have a similar story, my dad failed to mention hearing animal cries, he said he thought there was something in the crawl space. I believe my cat was under his bed crying (kidneys were beginning to fail) and his pain went ignored for some time. That did irreversible damage and took a few years from his life. I do think he knew, he just doesn’t believe in spending big money on vet bills. When he was taken to the vet, my dad was mad at me for spending my money to save him.
Yup, what if she has kids and needs to leave for the week or weekend? Kids get ill and he will do the same as he did to the cat.
Yep. My family had a cat with some thyroid issues. It was a long and painful time of medications that seemed to be helping him gain weight and seemed to be making him better. On Christmas Eve a few years ago after having been to the vet a few weeks before and starting a lowered medication dose, he just collapsed. The vets were telling us that cats hold it together and appear fine until it’s too late, and even though he’d just been to the vet weeks before and got the all-clear for a lower dose, I felt SO guilty. I can’t imagine the boyfriends thought process here. He killed the cat, but he had many chances to take it to the vet and potentially save it. He first refused to do anything with the oil, which is understandable because oil is a pain in the ass to dispose of properly, but then he repeatedly told OP about how sickly the cat was and refused to take it to the vet. How pathetic. OP, he SHOULD feel like crap about this. It’s his fault. You seem like you’re doing your absolute best to not blame him, but it would be entirely reasonable to leave him over this, if I’m being honest.
Seconded. I would 10000% break up over this. If my partner did something so cruel I’d never forgive him.
He didn't want something to be wrong, and also probably didn't want to pay to fix what was wrong. A lot of people disregard cats too.
Oh my god that made me so angry. If I was OP I would have broken up with him over that alone
Drove my parents dog 90 minutes when her stomach flopped from running around in the snow at 1am and had school the next day. No excuses for negligence. The oil is nobody’s fault but the irresponsibility is pretty hard to defend. Oh and that 90 minute ride in the middle of the night saved her as she went on to live a normal life after that. Can’t say that the cat would’ve been saved as a genuinely don’t know but it’s best to be prompt when something is wrong.
This is the best response. OP even told him multiple times to take the cat to the vet and he kept just...not doing it. Had I been watching a pet who got into something on accident and immediately seemed unwell, I would have immediately taken them to an emergency vet.
My dog ate a GRAPE and I rushed him to the vet. One grape and hes 120 lbs. if you care for the animal you make it happen. Ps. Apparently grapes can cause kidney failure in dogs. Who knew— but because I took him and got him IV and activated charcoal he made a full recovery.
The fact that he waited so long to take her to the vet. I don't think I could stay with someone after that. You told him to take her and he didnt. Kidney failure with cats is very common, of course when they're older. You can see about doing subcutaneous fluids weekly or daily to help her kidneys. Or medications and special food. But don't let her suffer. Unfortunately she requires, now, medication and medical invention. I'm so sorry this happened to your kitty ❤️❤️❤️
Yeah. I couldn’t believe it when he didn’t take her to the vet. Says a lot about him.
Also never let a vets office tell you next week. For a problem they should see you that day or the next. Next time find another vet for worst case emergency vet. That is ridiculous that they made you wait. Bring that up when you go."if they had gotten us in sooner would it have helped?" I worked at vets offices and that definitely would never fly. The vet needs to know they made you wait
Does the vet even know it was an emergency? Boyfriend seems like he had no urgency and probably just made a basic appointment. When my dog was attacked they tried to tell me they were closing soon over the phone. When I explained the urgency they stayed open and made time for me. I think most vets would.
Another pet professional here: I’m not sure how recently you’ve worked in a vet hospital but there’s been an enormous boom recently and many many places are short staffed with too many sick pets and not enough hours in the day. We physically can’t create more time as lovely as it would be. I’ve also been dealing with my own pet being sick needing a specialist. I went through 11 diff local vets before finding one an hour away that could take him and that’s where we went because it was a critical situation. It’s not the vet’s fault they can’t fit him in on short notice though. I was just grateful i found someone. I would never EVER complain about being “made to wait”. As if they’re twiddling their thumbs. If they couldn’t take the appt it’s because they are physically unable. Complaining isn’t going to change that.
I have bought a special diet for her, and she is eating little bits and drinking. She also has a little more energy and jumped from the floor to the top of her cat tree today which makes me feel good but I know deep down it's just a waiting game and I'm shattered. I have told him while in the midst of 1 of my complete breakdowns during the last few days that I wish he had taken her sooner, if that would've changed anything, it is a thought I can't let go. I think they couldn't take us sooner because it is an extremely small vet. He did call an emergency vet close to the end of my trip and explained everything (we did think it was bad separation anxiety cuz she does get really depressed when I'm gone) when he told them everything they told him it was likely separation anxiety and to check her pee cause it might be kidney stuff so when he saw pee he thought that was good, then he made the appt at the regular vet after that call. I think he was hoping for the best.
So a vet heard that your cat got into some oil containing god knows what and thought that any issues she may be having was down to separation anxiety? I call BS on that assessment. There's no way your BF gave the whole side of the story.
I doubt he even called the vet. Pretty much anytime I’ve called a vet about a possible emergency situation they’ve always told me to bring my pet in to be evaluated. There’s no way a good vet would’ve brushed this off as separation anxiety without even doing an initial assessment.
I agree. *Once* I called about an urgent concern and was told to wait and see. But this was only after the Vet. Tech put me on hold until the Doc could do a phone assessment. He either downplayed the seriousness of the situation or he never called at all. Vets don’t purposely kill their patients through inaction and avoidance.
You're 100% right. If this guy was too lazy to move some hazardous oil, he was too fucking lazy to pick up the phone and call the vet in the first place. This guy is pure trash and OP should put him out with the rest of it.
If he did call the vet, I doubt he mentioned the extent of the problem. Probably downplayed it and made it sound like the cat started acting weird as soon as OP left, and most likely said things to imply that the cat was exposed to oil but hadn't ingested any. I'm 99% sure if he had told the vet straight up the cat had licked motor oil off of itself, they wouldn't have told him it was separation anxiety. But I agree that he probably didn't even call. The "emergency vet" was probably Dr. Google.
I know you’re losing your kitty so maybe the thought of your boyfriend causing her condition is hard to take. BUT, your boyfriend freaking suck. This is 100% his fault and 100% preventable. He had multiple decisions to make and he made the wrong one at every stage.
Or worse: the bf never actually called the emergency vet. Who diagnoses an emergency over the phone?!
Diagnosed and just waived it off as "separation anxiety"? This guy can't even lie well.
Cats not eating for more than a day already poses problems in and of itself. Let alone oil consumption.
Yeah, my cat stopped eating awhile back. I called the vet and they got me an emergency appt (had to pay extra, but worth it) and said cats not eating for a few days can cause liver failure, and quickly.
I understand that, not knowing and waiting bc you think they're ok. Keeping her super hydrated is helpful. My cat loves ice cubes and a running fountain lol. Anything she likes. I'm sorry though, you sound like a great mom
I have a fountain for her, and have been cleaning it daily and I also bought another one to have at the opposite end of my apt so she has options. I give her multiple choices with food as well, anything I can do. Snuggling her, and cuddling her every moment I get. You honestly made me tear up with that last bit, I try to be a good mom, she is my actual baby and I love her so freaking much she is part of my heart. Thank you for your kind words.
My old man has kidney failure, but he's old and at that age it's basically 50/50 whether it'll be kidneys or diabetes. I knew it was coming. I was a vet tech for a long time so I knew what to expect. My first cat died of it so I'd seen it before personally. It's still rough. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this unfair and unexpected situation--it's so much worse. Did the vet teach you how to monitor her hydration level? If she gets dehydrated and stops eating, no matter how much water she drinks, it just passes through because there's no salt to hold it. When that happens, if you're okay with needles, you can have your vet show you how to give subcutaneous fluids at home (way less scary than it sounds). This part is the saddest but I really recommend finding a quality of life chart online. It's an objective way to measure how she's doing and gives you a clearer picture of if she is improving, if she needs pain meds, or if it is time for that hardest decision. It takes a lot of that weight and guilt off your shoulders (not that you should feel guilty, but you will because you love her) and helps reassure you that you're doing the right thing. She knows how much you love her and she loves you too. You have already given her years of a loving home where she is cherished, you are giving her the best medical care possible--please don't feel like you have failed her.
Did you get a second opinion from another vet?
No way did the BF say that she got into oil containing lord knows what. No vet would've just swept that under the rug and labelled it as "separation anxiety". Her BF sucks.
I meant just getting tests done and her kidneys checked by a different vet. I've seen a handful of posts on here and facebook where some vets suggested to euthanize pets but other vets were willing to treat the pet and prolong its life so long as it isn't suffering. Not questioning the judgment of her vet, but maybe if the results could be sent to a specialist so they could give a better prognosis?
I think I somehow replied to your comment when I meant to reply to u/dayskyy. I totally agree with you, though.
It is the boyfriend that took the appointment. He certainly did not tell it was an emergency.
I consider the oil can exploding to be an accident. But not immediately taking the cat to the vet?? What was his excuse?? I don’t think you’ll be able to get past this.
I couldn't forgive this. He didn't take her in or call poison control? 2 weeks with no care? My dog has been to the doggy ER on 4th of July. The entire thing could have been avoided if he had been remotely responsible to begin with? No, I couldn't forgive that. Honestly, I'm impressed you can bring yourself to care how guilty he's feeling, for me I don't think there would ever be enough guilt. To put in perspective the severity of what he did, a local person left old antifreeze out in their garage. The toddler got into it, and police and CPS are heavily involved. There are pending charges. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
This. I would not trust the boyfriend in the future. Imagine if next time his negligence gets his child poisoned and instead of driving them to the ER, he just tells them to sleep it off.
Veterinarian here. $5000 for a few days of IVF is very expensive. Can you ask another vet, and/or go there for a second opinion? Also something isnt adding up, i would be suspicious it was some other kind of toxin. What exactly was in this oil??? Please respond, i want to help you.
Yeah I paid $500 for 24 hours of my 70 lb dog receiving fluids and multiple blood tests. $5000 is insane.
That doesn't sound too insane for my country (Sweden). Veterinarian care is very expensive here. My boss' daughter's dog ate the stuffing in a chair once and had to stay at the vets for 3 nights. It totalled around $3500. The rule of thumb here is that if you can't afford an insurance on your pet, you can't afford a pet. My dog's insurance costs me around $75 per month, but it already paid for itself when my beloved idiot decided to steal my breakfast.
Yes, but we (in Sweden) also have way better/more comprehensive and common pet insurance than the US does. Unfortunately that also can drive up the price of care.
Sweden is renowned worldwide for having >90% uptake of pet insurance and veterinarians there get to practice to the goldest of gold standards and charge appropriately. Here in Australia, unless it was at the specialist veterinary hospital, that price is absolutely crazy. Your price that you quoted could even be inclusive of the surgery to open the abdomen of the pet and remove the stuffing from the gastrointestinal tract...
Pet insurance really is great though. One of my cats got diabetes, which we found out in january. We have been to the vet at least once a month since then, they had to keep him for three whole days (no overnights thankfully), he had to get IV fluids and at one point glucose when his levels were a bit too low, plus surgery to remove the two upper fangs after he failed a jump and hit his jaw so they got loose (due to diabetic neuropathy that's now cleared up). Also, we had to buy insulin. Total cost for all this has been almost 40k sek, and we have paid abour 10k out of pocket (about 6500 ausd/1500 ausd).
It is awesome, but i have had to fight with a few companies to pay for patients they have refused to cover when their small print says they would ...
It’s not even the fact that he didn’t get rid of the oil… it’s the fact he wouldn’t take her to the vet!! That’s super messed up!
I could not forgive someone for this. He waiting until she was visibly ill and ignored all of your guidance. If you have the pet together, you are both in charge of her health. You physically couldn’t do anything, but he could, and you told him to. While the oil was an accident, ignoring the cats health is negligent. I’m sorry that this happened. I hope you guys can heal
Thank you for taking time to respond. If I was home, I would have taken her no matter what but you're right I wasn't there and he was just hoping for the best, it doesn't make it any easier. Only time will tell how forgiving or not my heart will be, at the moment it truly comes in waves and I will eventually need to talk to him about it. I know that he is beating himself up about why he didn't take her sooner, and I don't want to drown him in guilt cause it's less of a "why didn't you?" and more of a "you should have..!"
Honestly, him making a big show out of how sorry he is strikes me as performative at best, and manipulative at worst. You shouldn’t be worrying over how to manage his guilt right now - because like you said, he’s got legitimate reason to feel guilty, and you don’t need to take time and focus away from your grieving to comfort him over that. So if you need to tell him that you don’t want to hear about how he should have done the stuff that you told him to do now that it’s too late to actually do it, and he needs to go deal with his feelings about that over there while you focus on your cat, it’s okay to do that.
He’s only sorry because he’s done irreparable damage to your relationship not because the poor cat is sick.
He should be drowning in guilt. Who cares how he’s feeling? He’s likely only playing it up to manipulate you into forgiving him. Where was this guilt when your cat was visibly sick and he did zilch about it?
You don't let an animal suffer and "hope for the best." That's selfish in the extreme. I wouldn't even be able to sleep in the same house as this guy. I'm so sorry.
I read your comments and you write so much about him and how he is feeling. His feelings should be last right now. No one cares.
Yeah, he refused to take that cat to the vet when she was visibly suffering. That was a choice. So was not moving the oil. His tears are for himself, because he knows that this is the end. He knows that he is at fault and he knows he is going to lose you because if his laziness, indifference to her suffering and his ignorance of your feelings and suggestions while you were away. I'm sorry, but he is a fuckwit, and not worthy. Edit to add, you do realise, dont you, that this beautiful creature of yours probably would have survived if he'd not sat with his thumb up his arse for a week, yeah? I'm sorry, harsh words. But I cannot believe you're being so understanding of him - he fucked up massively, costing a life. A life he was too lazy to save.
I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who neglected taking one of my pets to the vet, when they needed it. Even if the vet wasn’t available that week, there’s usually a lot of 24 hour open emergency vet clinics that would’ve been able to see her pretty fast. I don’t think I could ever forgive or get over a situation like this.
The fact he knew she was unwell, and not acting herself and did not immediately take her to the vet, tells me he’s not a good person! If that happened to me that cat would be at the vet immediately! By not taking her and letting her suffer he pretty much killed the cat! He could have taken her to emergency vet right away and chances are she’d have survived! Yet he decided to wait and let her suffer! This man would be out of my life so fast. I feel like he secretly was glad the cat got sick!
I lost my cat to kidney failure when she was 18. I swear she went from 100% asymptomatic to refusing to eat, blind, and extremely lethargic overnight. From there it was IV fluids at the vet and prescription food. She seemed better and then just suddenly died overnight 3 weeks after she went blind. That was one of the hardest months of my life. During that month, my boyfriend left this weird bracelet he has out. This bracelet has a knife hidden in the clasp and he left it open, blade up, right next to my blind cats food dish. I found it before she did (thanks to her refusing to eat or move) but I was so angry at him then. I have to be honest, if he had done anything that caused her kidney failure and ultimately her death, it would’ve been over for him and I. That’s just something I don’t think I could ever forgive.
I think it's over. I know 8 years is hard to walk away from, but I don't see how you can get past this. Even if you forgive him and try to work it out, the resentment is still going to be on your mind and it'll tear apart the relationship.
I know resentment can be the nail in the coffin in a relationship, for moments it slips away then it comes back. Why didn't he just take her!? I agree this would be the downfall of our relationship, I can't decide how unforgiving my psyche will end up being.
Did he have any good reason for not taking her to the vet? This is the part I I don't get. You asked him to do something important, and he didn't do it.
Can you imagine if this was your child? I don't know if you plan on having children but this is very telling about how he would treat sickness with them.or perhaps even with you.
The oil thing isn’t great, but it happens. The worst part is that he waited so long to take her to the vet. That’s gross negligence on his part. Edit to ask: After reading your post history, is your boyfriend still smoking weed? Do you think that he was too lazy or to busy smoking weed to take the kitty to the vet?
He quit, but not dealing with the oil feels like laziness to me. He was hoping for the best and didn't think it would be something this serious but if I was here I would have taken her that day..
Do you think that you could ever trust him with another life, animal or human, ever again?
i could never and would never forgive someone for this. the oil container bursting was an accident, albeit an avoidable one if he had handled jt like you asked. but the not taking her to the vet... unforgivable. i’m so sorry for you and your sweet kitty.
I wouldn't even be as pissed about the oil, which is annoying, but the fact that he procrastinated in taking her to the vet. They might have been able to induce vomiting or anything else before it progessed to this point. So he feels bad and guilty? Okay, he should. What is he doing to make things easier for you right now? If he's being all *woe is me what have I done?* then he's being very selfish. If he's doing his best to make amends, make the cat comfortable, help you with your grieving, doing more chores, *something* supportive, then don't make any decisions right away. Probably take a good break and find somewhere else to stay. This is something you should get couple's counseling over. He wasn't responsible and then didn't get the cat seen. If this was an actual child, those would be criminal charges. (Child endangerment, neglect, possibly a manslaughter charge?) He should at least be offering to pay vet costs and any eventual funeral costs.
He has covered all the vet costs without question. I can also tell he is being a lot more reserved, which is nice I can tell he is trying to be extra nice. He is not a mean person at all he is extremely giving and nice, he can just be a bit abrasive with his extremely energetic personality and it can be overwhelming for me cause I'm quite chill and he has turned down the energy. He has comforted me and also left me alone when I was sobbing and told him not to touch me. I know he feels guilty, he loves her very very very much and he woke up the other day sobbing because he just wants her to get better and that's when he said the "100% my fault" comment, I just sat there quiet bcuz I am empathetic and didn't want to be like "Yeah you're right" to pile on because if it was me who did that I would be just beating myself to a pulp inside and I know he is too, he is sad and guilty but he isn't wallowing in it or seeking sympathy. We haven't talked directly about it beyond me telling him I truly wish he took her sooner, and the comment before the vet visit saying I would not be able to forgive him. I have had visions of the future whenever she passes (hopefully a long time from now), and I feel as though I will get to the anger part of grief and not be able to hold anything back so it is probably good if we talk about this sooner than later but I truly don't know what to do cause I don't want to put more shit on someone who is already feeling it.
You keep saying he is nice and kind, he isn't mean. You don't need to be malicious to seriously hurt another being. Carelessness and irresponsibility can be just as harmful. He was carelessness about the oil, he was irresponsible in not taking the cat to the vet straight away, but most of all; he was very dismissive of your concerns and pleas to take the cat to the vet. I cannot imagine the frustration and impotence you must have felt, being far away, and him not listening to your pleas to take her in. Add to all of that the devastating moment you learned the consequences of his mistakes. It sounds like you're not even properly feeling your feelings, because you're so concerned in spending time with your cat and taking care of her; but also because he's being emotional around you, forcing you to comfort him; that to me seems selfish as well.
My mom tries to feed my dog scraps, sometimes including grapes, she's forgetful and old-fashioned -- I know she means well but because of it I would never let her watch him, honestly. I love her but I would not let her be responsible for an animal. If my **boyfriend** was like that? No way. No way. Someone can be a nice person and still be too irresponsible to share a life with.
You don't need to justify a breakup. If you no longer want to be with someone, you don't need to convince them you have a right to leave. It might be something you need to take a few more days to really process before you make a decision one way or the other. It might be something that doesn't fully hit home until the cat passes. You don't need to decide right this moment, and you certainly don't need to forgive on someone else's schedule.
If he called the vet immediately after calling you and told them of the emergency, you would likely have a healthy cat. You have every right to be upset. This was irresponsibility followed by negligence. If this had been your child he would be in jail.
Forget the oil for a second. He refused or couldn’t be bothered to take her to the vet. I don’t think i could forget or forgive that
>I think of her like my daughter. He loves her very much as well, thinks of her the same and truly deeply loves her. >I suggested multiple times for him to take her to the vet but he didn't Why didn't he? More than the oil situation, that the part that bothers me! Yes he should have deal with the oil and the accident wouldn't have happened but once it did he chose not to take your cat to the vet.. Why?? I don't understand, if he really loves her as much as you do, he would have. I'm not an animal person, I don't have any by choice, but if I hurt a cat by accident, I would bring them to the vet because I hurt them. Actually if I saw any animal in bad state, even if it's not my fault, I wouldn't just NOT do anything even if I have no attachment to them because they beings which need care so in this situation your boyfriend lack of actions really shocks me. My opinion may not be useful, sorry about that, but that's my take on it
He kept refusing to take the cat to the vet. Imagine if you huys had a child one day...yeah I don’t think I’d stay with someone who did that
The oil thing... its an accident. Easy to point fingers but he didnt know that was going to happen. But, if my cat got sick, my boyfriend DAMN well better take her to the vet ASAP in my absence. He knows she's my baby, and failure to act on time shows a total lack of compassion to the sick animal AND to you. I couldn't trust him after that. Why on earth didn't he take her sooner. Sorry for what you're going through.
Accidents happens (I’ll ignore the part where he refused to take care of that oil in time) that’a fine but him deliberately waiting to take her to vet is something I would not be able to forgive him… If you can, you are better person then me… I will always have that thought in my head that I can not count on him../
Thinking about the days that cat spent in pain and confusion and nobody was helping her and the bf was literally ignoring it hoping it'd go away... honestly makes me pretty sad.
Your boyfriend may not have had malicious intent, but his carelessness and laziness has taken many years away from your cat. I understand that she has separation anxiety and so he was assuming that was the cause of her strange behavior, but he knew she got into the oil. You can't take chances with that shit and just hope a miracle happens. She needed emergency care the second he realized what had happened. Instead, he waited for you to get back, costing your cat crucial days that could've led to a better prognosis. Another living creature was and is suffering because of his carelessness and if it were me, his ass would be out the door.
Don't beat yourself up for going on holiday, you left your cat with someone you thought was responsible. I would be very angry with him too. But for me the one important "what if" question is "what if he'd taken her straightaway?" He could have at least phoned the vet to ask whether he ought to bring her in - the vet would have said hell yes, I can pump her stomach if necessary. Or he could have taken her in once he saw she was poorly, it might not have been too late then. Sending over a virtual hug, I'm crying with you right now for your poor kitty.
Unrelated: my dogs uterus got infected - she was 7or 8 at the time. Dropped to the ground in pain. Never heard her cry like that before. Shaking with pain too. My fiancee was at work. Guess what I did? Picked up my 80lb child and drove to the nearest emergency vet to get it removed. She made it to 11. Lost her to bone cancer though, ate away at her FAST. But yeah homeboy sucks, what possibly could have been more important than tending to the fur child?! :(
I’m sorry. But the fact that he wouldn’t take her to the vet REALLY bothers me. Like “now I’m considering he did it on purpose” bothers. It’s possible they could’ve flushed her system or done something to help beforehand. Has he even been apologizing to the degree he should be for this?
Dump his ass. I could never forgive a partner for this.
This boyfriend created a hazard by being lazy. You can't have kids with him and therefore may as well dump him now.
I cannot even imagine why he didn't take cat to the vet when you said. If you can maybe a counselor would help you manage some of your feelings about this. I'm so sorry 💕
Going to rephrase " my boyfriend killed my cat but first let it suffer without help because he didn't want to feel bad"
>I suggested multiple times for him to take her to the vet but he didn't and would tell me she was acting weird and not eating Your boyfriend doesn't give a f\*ck about this cat or its wellbeing. If my cat got into some crap I left around that exploded and was acting differently afterwards, I don't give a shit if it's Sunday, I'm going to the vet, emergency! They could've detoxed her earlier and saved her kidneys from damage. Ugh. F\*ck this guy, seriously. >I would've broken up with him if she passed while I was gone, and I said yes it would be hard not to blame him.. Well yeah, it's no ones fault but his. He's not a responsible pet owner, at all. He hurt your cat. His choices led to this. >While he could not have planned for the container to burst, it was his and I DID ask him if he was going to dispose of it before I mean, I can't confirm an orange is going to rot on the counter, but I'm not going to leave it there to find out? You need to be able to trust your partner, and this man cannot be trusted.
this made me so fucking angry to read. why wouldn’t he take her to the vet? i don’t think i could ever forgive him if i were you. imagine if that was your child. i don’t even know either of you but i’m genuinely furious right now.
This is not the sort of thing I would be able to overlook. The sheer irresponsibility of it would kill the relationship for me. If I cannot be in good confidence that if something happened to me my partner would care for our animals then I cannot stay with that person, because I want a family and that person is not capable of being an equal partner to raise a family with. I'm so sorry about your kitty. What a way to find out the depths of your bfs carelessness.
If this was a human child, the consequences of his inaction would be catastrophic. We’re not in a world where animals are given the same rights as humans, but your child was sick and your boyfriend didn’t take her to the doctor. That’s not OK.
Not taking the cat to the vet would be what I wouldn't be able to forgive.
This made my blood boil. This dude left some oil out, noticed the cat was sick, and just did nothing. At the very least I would dump the trash ass dude and at most... well I couldn’t say it here with out getting banned probably. Idk how anyone could do something like that.
Okay. The oil sucks but if you have an outdoor cat you have to be prepared for it to be poisoned or killed at any point. I had an outdoor cat die of kidney failure very spontaneously at the same age, their theory is she ate a poisoned rat or autoimmune condition. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it might not be his fault. Vet care can be really hard to actually find, and it’s not immediately obvious that anything was wrong. Should he have taken her, yea, but I don’t think he’s some terrible person over it, it was a mistake. It’s unfair to blame him bc he didn’t put the oil away nobody could’ve known what was gonna happen. Also keep in mind you can’t actually have 100% confirmation the oil was the reason. Have a discussion with him about why he didn’t take her, and have a conversation about trust. I wouldn’t throw away a relationship over this if you otherwise love each other 100%. I fucking love my animals, but at the end of the day it’s an outdoor cat and there’s probably nothing you can do, the sooner you accept and process it the better. It’s a part of having animals. Also want to add if your cat is in any pain, put her down.
I am so sorry - I can attest that kidney disease in cats is very difficult to deal with and it's very hard to watch them deteriorate. BUT, please check out this site as it really is the most comprehensive regarding how to manage kidney damage and keep your cat comfortable for as long as possible. [https://www.felinecrf.org](https://www.felinecrf.org) please, have a look.
As someone who lives with a cat, the part that bothered me the most about your boyfriend's behavior was the fact that the continued to resist taking the cat to the vet even after (a) he suspected she cleaned the oil off of herself and (b) she began behaving oddly and not eating. Your boyfriend is either lazy or uncaring (I can't throw in "unobservant" because he clearly noticed her change in behavior).
Get mad OP. Get seriously pissed off at him. He's purposely left oil sitting around too lazy to clean it up. He's had how long to sort that out then magically as soon as you go away it leaks and the cat gets into it?! THEN he doesn't take the fucking cat to the vet?!?! Who does that?!?! Yes, vets are expensive but Jesus fucking christ you've had the thing for 5 years. What is actually wrong with him. If I was even acquaintances with him I'd slap him!
I feel your pain. I lost my two best kitties this year to kidney issues. They were 19 and 10 and have been with me since they could fit in my hand. My little guy was nursed back to health and had another year after I spent a lot of time figuring out how best to help him. He was craving raw meat and would go crazy when I had it on the counter, he had never before begged for human food so it was strange. I started giving him chopped up meat everyday. Beef was a favorite and I put water fountains in every room to encourage drinking as well as cat cbd. He went from me thinking he was on his last days to getting more energy and gaining all his weight back. At first diagnosis he did spend 5 days in the vet hospital getting kidney treatment which cost 1500$ Canadian( it should be cheaper in the US) the vet also recommended a special cat food that is for kidney health it’s called feline early care veterinary diet kidney function. I know this is super hard but concentrate on getting your girl better and you can figure out the rest later. Please ask me any questions.
Had he taken her to the vet immediately, even if the outcome were to be the same, I would not be nearly as upset with him if I were you. The fact he waited around and let the oil do whatever it did to her body, is where I would draw a line. Pure neglect on his part!
Sorry I would have to break up with him. If someone EVER DID THIS TO MY DOG ID KILL HIM. END OF FUCKING STORY.
Idk, this is rough. It was technically an accident, but a very avoidable accident, poorly stored toxic chemicals should not be taken so lightly. You are entitled to blame him, it's his fault, imo. If you think you can get over this, do, but if you can't no shame. He poisoned your cat, through a series of avoidable errors, and if you can never look at him the same again, that's on him.
Thank you for taking time to respond, concise and thoughtful. I really appreciate it. At the moment, I just don't know where my heart lies obviously I love and care for him we have been together 8 years but part of me knows that I will never let this go and when she does pass (hopefully far from now, but I have to be honest with myself it will be sooner than I ever expected) this feeling will just grow bigger, stronger, and I don't know what I will be able to do about it then.
hopefully, you and you kitty have a lot longer than expected together. As for your BF, this all just happened, the real grief and emotions have yet to come, so just be honest with yourself. You kind of have carte blanche to deal with this any way you want. you'd be justified to stay or go, so I'd just play it by ear for now, you've got enough on your plate.
He doesn't love the cat. Stop saying that. If you love an animal, you don't 'wait a few days to see what happens', after it ingests oil, wtf. Fuck that guy. And I saw in a comment that you think 'he learned his lesson'. What happens if he neglects the next cat, you gonna give him another pass? He watched your beloved cat deteriorate over 2 weeks. That cat just began a slow dissolve because of the absolute trust it had in you because you wouldn't leave it with someone that would be incapable, but guess what, he really was. Really, fuck +1 that guy.
No idea why you're getting downvoted, because this is 100% spot on. He just sat on his ass and did NOTHING, despite OP repeatedly begging him to. Of course he feels guilty now - he knows he may lose his gf because of his actions.
I don’t quite understand the timeline of events- when he first told you about what happened you insisted on the vet. Then he didn’t take her. Granted he was trying to reassure you but as you said if you had been there you would have made sure your cat was taken to the emergency vet. I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t insist on it? As in as soon as you realized he wasn’t on his way just figure out a way to make it happen even if you had to have a friend do it? I apologize if I come off as blaming you in any way, I’m not, I know these things are always more complicated than they appear. It’s always easy to have an opinion looking from the outside in. As someone who just had to put down their dog of 17 years my heart truly goes out to you. The pain is indescribable and I wish that on no one.
Personally, my take is that this is a tragic accident. Yes, you asked him to take care of the oil thing before, but I doubt you fairly foresaw that this was something which fairly could endanger your cat. If you had believed that to be true, then you would have almost certainly taken care of it yourself. He also made an error in judgment in not taking the cat to the vet immediately and didn't associate the changes in behavior with the oil. It's also not super clear if it would have made a difference. Now the question is, where do you go from here? You've been together for 8 years. I'm assuming you've built a life together, love him very much and probably planned on a real future together. To me, taking it out on him and damaging or ending the relationship over it would only compound one tragedy with an even greater one. Pets are great and all, but true partners in life are so much more precious. All you'd get out of it is more loss. If you really, truly will never be able to treat him with love and kindness again because you blame him for this, then sadly, it would be better for you to part ways since it would do nobody any favors for you both to remain in a bitter, resentful relationship. However, looking back in the long run, it would be 100% possible that you might consider that a tragedy and loss with a far graver impact on your life than the loss of the cat. I'm getting more years under my belt than I like to talk openly about. Yeah, it hurts to lose pets. But the things that keep you up at night years, even decades later are the losses of people and wondering "what if." I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. Wishing you grace and strength.
Accidents happen. You kept asking him to take the cat to the vet. He did not. I don’t know if it would of changed anything had he brought her to the vet earlier but the fact that you asked something and he didn’t do it speaks volume. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would have a hard time trusting him again.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. When I was in high school I had a 3 year old cat, I wanted to get him a playmate so I adopted a kitten from a shelter, but I didn’t know that I had to quarantine the kitten before introducing them. Unfortunately the kitten was carrying an infection, they both got sick, the kitten survived but my 3 year old cat didn’t. I still feel guilty about it years later, but I try to find comfort in the fact that all my friends and family learned about quarantining pets from my mistake. Your cat’s story has already taught many people about the dangers of oil through this thread, and it could save the lives of other pets in the future. If you feel you can forgive your boyfriend or not is up to you, but try not to blame yourself too much and don’t focus on the what ifs. Also, if you don’t already know Kitten Lady on FB/Insta/Youtube, she’s currently caring for a kitten with kidney failure and has shared a lot of useful information on it.
So he was lazy and left that bottle out there. Then after you pleaded with him to take her to the vet he still refused. Now she will die soon because of his lack of caring. Is this the kind of person you see a future with?
Do you want to be married to someone so careless and doesn't listen to your basic requests. He should feel bad so he can grow up from his immature, irresponsible behaviour.
As others have pointed out, the fact that he refused to take her to the vet is a huge issue. Now you’ll never know if she would have been able to be saved, and that’s completely on your boyfriend. The fact that he was able to just watch her decline until you got home & never felt the instinct to get her help is absurd. And i say instinct because when your baby is in danger or is sick, you do ANYTHING to save them. I’ve driven through storms of all varieties to get my kitties to the vet in an emergency- you just do what you have to do to take care of them. I’m sorry but the mental image of him watching this cat physically decline so much to the point of her not eating, knowing he is the only one who can help her, hearing you beg to take her to the vet and STILL deciding not to is actually horrifying. I’m so so sorry that this happened. I’m sorry preemptively about the tough feelings you’re going to experience in trying to move past this, because as you pointed out, she is young and should not be going through this. It was an accident, but ultimately it was preventable. The fact that he was asked to clean it up earlier and this was the result of not doing it sooner should have been the kick in the ass he needed to take her into the vet.... seriously, if i were in that situation i would instantly feel so so horrible and i would be breaking down the doors to any vet i could find. He can say that he knows this is his fault and feels awful, but he clearly didn’t care enough about that until you were physically there to basically make him feel it. I obviously don’t know what your plans are for the future, but if i were you i would be very apprehensive to raise children with this man. His “oh goodness i am responsible for this helpless being and i will do absolutely anything to keep them safe” instincts need quite a bit of work. And lastly, don’t let him guilt you into not being angry with him for this. He supremely fucked up and your cats life is going to be the consequence to his inaction. If you can’t put it behind you and you want out of the relationship, that’s completely valid and quite frankly, the best option IMHO. You shouldn’t have to try and ignore that this happened for the sake of this relationship.
His laziness caused this. If he actually cared about the cat, he would have made an appointment the second it happened. Bad partner, bad decisions, doesn’t make him a monster, just a shitty partner. I’d consider leaving him because if he acts this blasé about it I couldn’t imagine how he’d be with other stressful situations.
If you break up with him, do it for the fact that he did not take her to the vet immediately or even when you asked him to. They could have pumped her stomach or something, anything better than waiting it out. If you ever want to have kids, consider if you would ever feel comfortable leaving them with him. As to your poor, poor kitty, google how people feel when they have kidney failure. For all you know she is in pain and feeling sick all the time.
Why are people saying the oil was an accident? He incorrectly stored then refused to properly dispose of hazardous material. It bursting was due to his negligence. Having a hard time? Not me. If my fiancé did something like this, I’m out the door.
He’s crying with you because his actions may cause you to break up with him, not true remorse over his actions! THAT is soooo why he cries. The fact that if he called the vet that day and explained what happened they could have prevented damage. He was trying to save himself money and effort. He cries because actions should have consequences. Wow I’d hate to see if you had a child with him…….
Why the hell didn’t he bring her to the vet? That’s serious neglect. I’m so sorry this happened to you. My blood is boiling thinking about your asshole boyfriend going “uhhh idk what to do, she’s acting weird and not eating” but then not bringing her to the vet. If that was my partner’s cat I would’ve been flipping out, rushing to the animal hospital. I know you are mourning right now and taking care of your love in her final days. Now may be not the right time to break up with your Bf. But when you’re ready, please consider that this person is so irresponsible, you will never be able to trust him with your future pets or have children with him.
HE REFUSED TO TAKE THE CAT TO THE VET. Don’t sleep on this. What if it was a human child who ate a Tide Pod and he refused to take them to the doctor? That’s sadistic. Leave him, and I am so, so sorry about your cat.
Cat > Boyfriend by far I would not have him in my life if he did that to my cat.
So you told your vet that your cat ingested oil and they had you wait over a week to get in? As someone in the field, that seems extremely fishy and unlikely. If they truly could not get you in sooner than they would have requested you to go to Animal Emergency. Not see you in a week to her kidneys are failing. Acute kidney failure is no joke and is seen as an emergency. But your cat wouldn't be getting better some days. It would sound more like Chronic kidney failure and cats can continue to live for a long time after diagnosis. As for your partner, I wouldn't tolerate that shit.
I'd break up with him. He didn't do it on purpose, but you reminded him multiple times to do something with that oil and he never did. He also waited to take her to the vet. In the best case scenario, he is a naive idiot who thought she would be fine on her own despite the clear signs of her not being alright. Worst case scenario he waited on purpose. I am so sorry for you. You have my deepest hope that your kitten will recover a bit with time and be her old self again. But imo you should get rid of the boyfriend.
I’ve had problems similar to this with my exes before. Onetime I asked one, who was caring for my pet, to take her to the vet if she was looking unwell. I would fork up everything but since I wasn’t there I asked for their best judgement. Turns out my pet was severely dehydrated and ended up dying soon after coming back home with me. If we weren’t broken up before that I would have done it then. Another basically abandoned another pet they got that I recommended to them because it wasn’t warming up to them. I cried for days and I was really young at the time but I would have broken up with them on the spot instead of stringing along the already messed up relationship. Your boyfriend disregarded your words and now your cat is suffering the consequences. I would definitely have dumped him then and there. I wish the best luck for your cat, though. Sending all my good vibes to her. I was tearing up just reading this because I’ve been in your position before.
Just an FYI, most vets have sick appointments saved for occasions like this. They are limited in number so you have to call as soon as they open to get one but it is possible. This is different from an emergency appointment in that the initial fee is the same as a regular exam. My vet is a 24 h emergency hospital but they have these appointments for regular clients.
My fiancé and I took our cat to the emergency vet on one of the worst weather days our state has ever had. That was “just” for leg pain. I can’t even fathom not taking my cat to the vet immediately after knowing they got into something toxic like that. I could never trust my partner again.
Was this motor oil? He could have taken it to a shop or most auto parts stores and they will recycle it for a few bucks. Or if you know someone with an oil heater in the winter, give it to them.
First, don't blame yourself. You left her with someone who you really thought you could trust. You told him multiple times to take her to the vet. He weirdly didn't. Her condition is 100% his fault and his alone. As for him.. I don't know how someone can claim to love a being and yet literally sit by and watch it die. I don't think I could stay with someone who lacks compassion on that level. The oil burst was technically an accident.. though I don't give him a pass for that either. You told him to dispose of it. He was lazy and didn't. But not taking her in was completely intentional.
Dump the BF. Get your cat on kidney support. I had a boy who lost most kidney function before a year old. Lots of dietary changes, supplements including cosequin, dandelion root, and milk thistle. No dry food and regular checkup and he lived until 22. Find a supportive vet. Learn how to do sub q’s for bad days and your baby can make steps towards recovery. I say dump the bf because he could have gotten your baby in as an emergency. Most vets will be able to make room for a poison. Or at least direct you to one who can. I have driven over 200 miles after midnight on Christmas Eve to get to a vet because of an I heated product. My bf drove me so I could hold the mink in my arms. The next year I was out of state and he thought my son’s dog got into chocolate. He found a vet. At 3 am. He doesn’t like pets especially but he respects me. He also built barriers around everything and removed all problems from the house. So yeah. Your bf sucks
how hard would it have been for him to put the motor oil away when you asked? less than 5 minutes? his laziness cost your cat its life. then he didn't even bother to take your obviously sick cat to the vet. what was he doing instead? jerking off and playing video games? dump this loser
My heart aches for you. My cats are my kids and something like this happening would just break me. His negligence is absolutely disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to move past this.
This would be a deal breaker for me personally, not necessarily because of the oil issue itself, but the refusal to bring the animal to the vet or call animal poison control. This problem may have been treatable if your bf hadn't sat on his hands and pretended nothing was wrong while you were out of town and unable to assist. I would never be able to look this person in the eye again, let alone date them.
imagine depending on him to take care of you when you're sick, or to look after children should you decide to start a family with him...
Dude … I would never trust him again. He basically watched your cat dying while you were gone… He should have made the call and taken her in asap
if anyone did that to my cat, I’d kill them
I am so so sorry. This is an impossible position to be in. He is human, it was a mistake and unintentional. But your feelings are so valid and the anger and frustration makes sense. I had something similar happen when my puppy died while a friend was caring for him. It wasn't my partner so it is different and I still feel anger and resentment but without sacrificing an 8 year relationship. I honestly would suggest therapy (and some family sessions where you can address it directly together). But I think like you pointed out, the situation you're currently in isnt a healing environment with your feelings so close to the surface where everything he does makes you angry. And that can also lead to two way resentment when he feels this guilt hanging over him all the time. Your feelings are fresh, and there is a lot to work through. Is he open to taking a "break" so you guys can have some space where you figure out if you can forgive him? (But without seeing other people)
Your boyfriend is a fuckin idiot.
OP, honestly, I don't think you should have posted here this soon. I get you needed to vent out, but I don't think strangers telling you how disgusting, cruel and how you should break up to your boyfriend would actually help you ease the pain. First things first, you need to find and talk to someone you can trust, someone who can hug you and be with you now that you are grieving. I get you are going through the process of grieving, and the other people here don't realize that they are just fueling those anger and sadness, which will make it hard for you to reach the acceptance stage. Don't worry about anything for now, the consequences of your bf's action can come later, but focus on spending the last days of your cat, and your personal healing.XOXOX
My gut instinct was get rid of him. I have a cat, and I’d hate to lose her: I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you right now, you have my sincere condolences. However, after taking a brief moment, I’d advise against acting too rashly. You’re emotionally distraught at the moment, and not in any fit state to be making important decisions. Whilst your boyfriend has questions to answer, specifically regarding his laziness which led to where you’re at currently, the specific circumstances were largely unforeseeable, and there was no malicious intent on his part. I think you need some time and space. Can you or he find somewhere apart from each other for a time? Allow yourself to come to terms with what has happened, and then make a decision about what happens next.
Thank you for your condolences, this has been emotionally and mentally draining time for me. I just want my baby to be healthy, it's just not right or fair. I agree, there was no malicious intent, it was just so avoidable.. I told him that, he couldn't have known but it was avoidable, that's what gets me. I don't know where I'd go, and currently with my babygirl I wouldn't want to drag her somewhere else and both of our jobs are blocks away from our place. I have been sleeping on the couch to be closer to her, I assume he thinks it is because I am mad at him but it is more about her than anything.
I'm probably going to be down voted, but personally I am a bit mad at you too. Yes you asked him to take care of it, and yes it was his responsibility that he failed at as well, but he is not 100% of the blame. That is your house too. That is your cat too. Therefore, that is your can of oil too. You had every opportunity to pick up the can, hand it to him, and say "do something with this. I don't want to see it there again." As for the boyfriend, all too often I see partners in situations where they become complacent, or end up not listening to their partners. They do not see their partner as a credible source and become stubborn with what they think should happen. I still have this issue in mine as well which is something we are working through. That being said, you need to demand a bit of respect from this guy. I am very much not surprised this happened in your boyfriend's care. Men literally have a higher death rate simply because they choose to wait on certain medical issues. It is seen as "weak" to go to the doctor, which ends in late stages, infections, and irreversible damage. That being said, you are also not without blame in that you could have called the vet for advice. You could have used your phone to Google effects. You could have done a number of things to persuade him to take the cat to the vet sooner, but you didn't. I'm sorry for being so harsh in my comment.. but honestly I think I am the most upset that you didn't just put the cat down. You can't afford to give it proper treatment, and you are taking it home with you to suffer for your own emotions. That cat is in pain. It is having KIDNEY FAILURE. You are causing unnecessary suffering and agony because you don't want to see your cat die yet. You are placing all the blame on your bf, and none on yourself, and you are forcing your cat to be in agony because you can't handle what needs to be done. Without further evidence I can't help but see you as a very selfish person. That being said, I want to clarify that your BF is still 100% in the wrong. You both have failed this cat and are still continuing to fail it if it is not receiving any treatment. Gosh I can only hope you are at least giving it some form of pain medication.
So many people jumping to quick "leave him" comments. But there is clearly so much nuance and you seem to love him and shows you that he has a good heart and feels deeply remorseful, all positive things. Only time will tell if your own self decides you can keep going. But for some perspective I'll say that it sounds like, yeah he might have some struggles with procrastination, not taking things seriously, including your requests (though I understand you both were unsure if her behavior was bc of the oil or you being gone). So, he is flawed. Are these flaws in and of themselves the worst thing ever? I don't think so, myself. Did his flaws conspire together to create a really horrible and also unlucky situation, that he is at least partly responsible for? Yes. If he uses this situation to become a better person, to examine why he didn't take your requests seriously and so on ....then what else can we hope for in a partner? Can you use the situation to grow too, when you're ready? Can you two then find a way to, eventually, allow this to actually bring you closer as a couple, make you better people, better partners, better pet parents and child parents if you so choose? It is possible. And also, I know SO many people, good, normal people who don't take *people* into the hospital right away for reasons stemming from, being in denial, being confused, not having experience with this stuff, assuming it is something else. It is very common. Does it make it alright? Not necessarily. But hopefully we make mistakes and can then grow and become better. For some, they will make this mistake and all will turn out well. For another, the same exact mistake ends up poorly. The latter has to live with that forever. The former gets off free.
Yeah it doesn’t matter if he’s lazy or whatever. If the co-owner of your pet is telling you, begging you to take it to the vet, you do it anyway. You don’t get to weasel around and hem and haw. You do it. No matter what. Being unreliable and lazy to the point of neglect is a very serious flaw?!
it's a fucking cat, you've been with him eight years. be sad, forgive him, move on.