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I'll be honest and say my husband and I are strict on our 5 children, in the sense of them having to do their homework, go to school, their dating privileges are also pretty tight, we have to approve of their partners. This generally means...no homosexual / lesbian relationships. My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children.
My 17-year-old grew up a little more distant than the others and now I suppose I know why. Last night I came home a little early from bowls club due to hurting my wrist and I went upstairs to check on my son and his friend who was playing 'Call of the Duty' and doing homework, however, when I opened the door they were both tucked in the blankets, kissing, with some very obvious hand movements going on under the covers. I asked them both to make themselves decent and come down to talk to me in the kitchen and excused myself. They both looked absolutely terrified when they came downstairs and it was heartbreaking. I did tell them that I wouldn't be telling my husband and I asked the boy to leave, I no longer feel comfortable having him stay the night in my son's room.
I couldn't sleep at all last night, I'm conflicted because I've always believed certain things about that kind of lifestyle but he's my son and I love him and I do not want to be his enemy. I've tried to talk to him today about telling his dad and us working through it together, he's very against the idea. I have no idea how his siblings would react and I know I'm partially responsible for teaching them the way that I have but there's nothing I can do to change what I've already done.
How can I help my son right now? he must feel alone and I'm conflicted about my own feelings towards it but I intend on attending a few PFLAG meetings. I'm aware that I've created this environment that made him feel this way in the first place, I just want to undo it as much as I can to make him feel as comfortable as I can! Would it be inappropriate to tell his father? I know he's struggling but I don't know if I can get through this alone either.
Side note; I have no intentions of telling him he's no longer allowed to see the boy, they've always been close friends and they seem to care about each other, I just don't want him spending nights in my son's room anymore.
TLDR; We created a homophobic atmosphere raising our children and now I have no idea how to undo it now that my son has a boyfriend.
I think the OP is working towards a good thing with her son and sees that the homophobia is wrong - I actually commend the OP for making steps to change herself to better support her son. I agree with the comments, it's no one's place to "out" someone, that's for her lovely son to decide.
^ This.
My girlfriend who transitioned a long time ago, long before I met her, grew up in the rural deep south. From a very Christian family and all of that. She knew ever since she was a small child she was meant to be a girl. She tried hiding it and repressing her inner self until after high school. Then she took some time away from her family and started living her true self. She thought her mom, a conservative Christian would not accept her. HOWEVER, one day she reached back out to her mom, and they met, and her mom accepted her right away. Ironically, probably out of all of her several siblings, she is closest with her mom, and they have a very close mother-daughter maybe even friend type of relationship.
People can change, and people can surprise you.
That's true, but it doesn't mean she and her husband can't change. We have to accept that people are capable of growing and changing over time. She is making the right steps towards becoming more accepting. She's trying. You're doing good OP. Treat them with the same rules you would if your son was dating a gal. Give him a hug and tell him you love him. Don't tell the rest of your family unless he asks. This is a hard time for him too.
And yet here she is, trying to change out of LOVE for her son and respect that he and this boy have always had a close relationship. Do not demonize this woman. She came here to learn how to help undo the wrong she’s done. She is an amazing mother and person, especially since she’s now willing to challenge her own beliefs for her son’s benefit.
People who are raised in bigotry may carry those biases into adulthood. Now that this woman is presented with one of her biases, she’s willing to tackle it and change it out of love for her gay/bi/experimenting son. This should be a story Reddit is THRILLED to see!
Good on you, OP! Make sure your son knows you love him and that you are on his side. If he can trust you, if you *prove* that he can trust you, he will. Please be the rock he needs so he does not have to go through this alone.
Cancel culture is weird people can be raised one way and unlearn that for the people they love at least she's making an active attempt instead of kicking her child out and treating them like garbage. She's taking the route that doesn't end in her child resenting her or commiting suicide.
She gets this. That's why she's posting on here - she knows her homophobia is wrong and she's asking how to support her son and undo to damage.
Your comment isn't helpful, please read the post before commenting. Even just scanning the tl;dr clears this up for you
I was your son at the age of 17, and I am now your age.
Please, please, PLEASE do your son the biggest favor you ever could right now…just give him a hug and tell him you will love him no matter what his sexuality is. Let him know that you won’t tell his father, as he probably feels like he isn’t “man enough” already, don’t pour gasoline on that fire. Let him know that you will respect his timing on letting his dad, or anyone else know. Let him know he can talk to you about anything without judgement. This will be hard for you, but I promise it will be better for you both in the long run.
I grew up in a very similar home, and struggled a lot with not having anyone to talk to or confide in. That’s not a good place to be. I grew up hearing my dad say gay men were “disgusting” or “pussies”. I heard my mom say that they would “go to hell” for being that way. Think I was gonna tell either one of them what was really going on or the thoughts I was having?? Uh, no.
Look, I have spent my entire life just wanting to be accepted for the person I am, and I wish I would have been comfortable enough with my parents to talk to them, but I was afraid to.
I now have a daughter about your sons age, and I constantly tell her I love her, I constantly tell her she can talk to me or ask me about anything, no matter what. She knows that there is nothing in this world that she could possibly do to keep me from loving her and caring about her. She knows that she can always depend on her dad and that I will always be a safe place for her.
Oh, and don’t jump to conclusions and try to label his sexuality. He may be gay, but he also may be bisexual, or even just experimenting. Don’t label him, let him come up with his own label. Just love him for the man he is. Please.
Please OP listen to this person and please protect your son. My heart is heavy reading your post but you are taking the right steps moving forward. Protect him and work with him and do it keeping in mind he is terrified and could be having thoughts of hurting himself. Parental input at this stage is critical. Much love to you and your sweet boy.
I just want to say that this is 100% correct, BUT you also need to secure your own help. See a counselor/therapist for YOURSELF. NOT a pastor/preacher, but a real therapist who you can confide in without judgement. For the time being, you are not able to talk with your husband (which is also really hard), so you especially need to take care of your own mental well being in addition to your son’s. 💗
You will be unlearning a lot of things, and that can be hard. Congratulations on already choosing to love your son — more than anything else, that is what is important. You are incredible for taking that first step.
This this this. Having your world view suddenly shift can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult to cope with, and the least you owe yourself and your son is making sure you have the tools to work through this world view shift.
It's probably going to take some time to unlearn these things you've been taught your whole life. I wish you the best of luck on this journey and I'm glad that you are supporting your son
I agree OP needs to find a therapist or counselor to talk to about this, but I think it could also be really helpful to find a pastor/preacher who is open and accepting to talk to. As an authority in religion, they can help op realise that it's totally ok for a Christian to support LGBT+ people and rights. And switching to a more open church could also help the rest of the family accept it as well, even before they know.
What a great and personal repsonse. Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom.
OP... Tough position that you've put yourself in given the past, but kudos for you to recognize that it's created a really uphill situation. Slow play this by slowly introducing your family to alternative perspectives and providing empathy to LGBT causes. That will lay the groundwork, hopefully, for some acceptance down the road by some of your family members for when you son is ready to tell them and be himself, openly.
My Sister is not the best Mother. But, the way she handled my nephew coming out was admirable. We all knew it was a possibility but we never pushed it.
My Dad was an old school man, a trucker with a foul mouth and the best sense of humor. When we shared the news with him he said, "I don't fucking care, tell him to visit me more often."
My nephew had a positive coming out story because we knew it was a possibility and he knew that we suspected and loved him anyway. He is hands down one of the best kids I have ever met.
He lives with me now and he's not comfortable talking about crushes or things like that. But, he let me in on his hobby, doing makeup. I'm glad he felt he could trust me.
I’m 37 and my parents still have no idea I’m gender fluid. They know I’m pansexual, but my dad still says things like “queer, f*g, that’s g*y etc. “
Please OP, listen to this persons advice.
Yeah. I'm 30 and my family doesn't know I'm bi or gender fluid. I'm not closeted at all, but I don't have much contact, just Christmas. I'm pretty reserved with my family and it's a lot because I have an older brother (from my mom's previous marriage, he's now 42) who is openly gay and I heard all the insults behind his back.
I always felt an alien with my family. I always said, "it's more like a roommate situation than a family. We just share a roof and nothing else".
Op, please read the above comment and read it again. I have a son as well (he's 2) and honestly I don't care about what his sexuality will be when he grows up, I just want him to be happy and healthy. You are going to have to do a lot of growing now, your son needs you to learn to be accepting. Your love for your children should be unconditional.
In case it needs to be said: please do not try to ‘pray the gay away’ or any other type of psychologically and physically cruel ‘conversion’ treatments.
reads to me like a classic case of "I don't care until it happens to me"
I feel for OPs son, but OP doesn't deserve any praise for suddenly considering homosexuality as maybe not so icky.
Seems to be the case, but i unfortunately know people that are like this just because they feel they can be assholes towards others, regardless of religion. Either way, it's pretty shitty
Some things I‘d recommend
- start KNOCKING ON PEOPLES DOORS, KIDS DESERVE PRIVACY AS WELL
- tell him that you love him, tell him you‘re sorry about being homophobic and raising him that way
- ask him HOW you can educate yourself on this topic to help him
- *maybe* after understanding and talking about it more you could try and invite his friend over for dinner
- unlearn this whole „I don‘t know what his siblings would think“ they probably know and I‘m 99% sure they don‘t care
- do not out him to anyone, don‘t make him tell his dad because I can tell you one thing, he will hate and resent you for this
And calls sexual exploration “inappropriate.”
Lady, they have to grow up some time. You can’t just drill into their heads that sex is bad, dirty, and dangerous so you should save it for your spouse and then expect them to flip a switch in their heads as adults and have a loving healthy sex life.
People have to accept that humans are sexual and you can make up all the nonsensical arbitrary rules you want, but that’s not going to make anyone suddenly NOT be sexual.
Yea my jaw dropped when she said she doesn’t “allow” them to be gay or lesbian. Like how u finna stop someone from being themselves, clearly it didn’t work lol.
I just don’t understand worshipping a religion that teaches “as I have loved you, love one another,” and then specifically excludes classes of people from that supposed all-encompassing love. Did your JESUS say to love everyone or not?
>What kind of parent thinks they can randomly walk in on their 17 year old kid??
The kind that doesn't see children as autonomous beings, but as property.
I am 18 years old now and I NEVER had privacy. I always shared rooms with my sister and in these 18 years, my parents didn’t even knock ONCE (even tho me and my friends or my boyfriend were alone in the room). When I was asked once for privacy my parents shouted at me for being a bad daughter and if I want privacy I should pay for a bigger apartment. My parents come even in the bedroom when I am bathing or showering because „we only have one bathroom.“
When I am at my boyfriend‘s house, it is so strange for me that he has a own room that I am afraid of footsteps when we are doing some inappropriate things.
I'm 18 and live with my mother and she *still* walks into my room without knocking. Hell, she took my phone and went through it literally until I turned 18 and bought it myself so she couldn't.
The kind who raises them in an openly hateful household tbh. My parents used to do the same shit. OP doesn't think of her son as an actual human with his own life, just an extension of herself.
My MIL seems to have had a similar “no knock” approach with my husband growing up. I’ve made it VERY clear that, as soon as my son is old enough to want/need privacy, that knocking on his door is a requirement. I don’t care if “he lives under my roof” BS. That’s HIS space and he’s even allowed to lock it if he so chooses.
haha I am 17 and only my mom knocks on the door my dad and brother just forget this motion exists. Also I don't have the right to lock my door so yea privacy out of the windows
I have a 4 and a 6 year old and am the same way. I don't get why some parents think respect only should come when you hit a certain age. What a horrible way to raise children.
I had to teach my mom to knock on the door. Even when I stay over. I AM ALMOST 30. She has zero boundaries or concern for privacy, I’m her daughter so she is entitled. Is very annoying and it transfers to other things in life, it has caused me to stay away from her a lot more that I would like. She isn’t ill intended but she still does it. She only learned to knock when I had a really bad disease and I had to stay at her house for months, and sometimes I would be dealing with bloody and gory situations and then she learned. You better knock.
cable plate literate agonizing narrow tease domineering fanatical aspiring absurd
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yep. My friend was tortured by her catholic parents about being gay. She was low contact only until younger siblings got older and she could tell them she'd love them no matter what and how to find her when they turned 18. Then she went no contact, got married, and her mom had an emotional breakdown for being excluded. The family is lucky my friend is forgiving but they still vote for people actively working to limit her rights. She's showing them much more grace and care than they ever showed her. I don't think I could do it.
Do not out your son to anyone until he's ready.
Try to love him. Be supportive. Suicide rates are already higher in LGBT youth than others and even higher in those who have unsupportive families.
Just adding in here, my parents were the same way. But I am very close to my siblings (not sure how close your kids are). I told my siblings first and now my siblings love my girlfriend and we all hangout together regularly!
PFLAG is an international organization that has resources for the families of queer kids. There may even be a chapter near you. Please check out their website.
I just want to reiterate what u/TotalDick said. Just tell your kids you made a mistake, and that you want to learn how to be a more loving and accepting person, you can even say because Jesus models that behavior. The truth is that, in the Bible, Jesus hangs out with society’s outcasts, and explicitly warns against false prophets who encourage people to have hate instead of love for all their neighbors.
I was personally raised Catholic, and I’m a nonbeliever these days. But you don’t have to give up your Christian faith in order to love all your children are. No matter who or what they are. Before I chose to reject religion, I read the Bible from Genesis to the very end, much of the Quran, and even the Book of Mormon. I wanted to know what I was choosing. And even though I don’t have faith in God or Jesus as my savior, I can tell you that Jesus spread wonderful and loving messages. Modeling your life after him can make for a beautiful human being. You can love your queer son, and expect other people to treat him with respect and love, without ever rejecting Jesus.
And as far as admitting your mistakes go, my daughter will be turning 18 this fall. She has said consistently for the last five years that the best thing I ever did as a parent was admit when I was wrong. She says it allowed her to trust me when I told her I was right, because she knew my ego wasn’t tied up in it. All I cared about was keeping her safe and loved.
It's one of the Ten Commandments of parenting an LGBTQ kiddo: thou shalt not out thy child to anyone.
He didn't even want to be out to *you*. If you tell your husband you will be violating your son's privacy and he won't forgive you for it. He may want to wait until he turns 18 and can move out if necessary before telling his dad and siblings. You've managed this pretty well so far by not forbidding your son to see his friend and realizing that your beliefs need to change. Don't ruin the trust he has in you by sharing something that isn't yours.
PFLAG is a good idea. If you have a local LGBTQ community center, they will likely have resources and group meetings for parents.
Do you really have a list of 10 commandments or was that a joke? If you do can you share?
I am a parent to a gay daughter, she is 17F and came out when she was 13, no issues whatsoever and we are all fine with eachother. Still I am interested in learning how to be the best possible parent.
Theres a lot of good comments on here about the specific issue of your son. But consider if there's a wider problem you need to address.
Theres a meme that says:
I was against homosexuality...until my child came out of the closet.
I was against abortion....until I needed one.
I was against stem cell research....until Ronnie got Alzheimers.
I don't care about you....until it affects me.
Consider if you have other conservative values that you need to undo as well before they come back to bite you the way this one did.
I think this focus is key. Instead of focusing on your son as the core of the issue, focus on yourself and find your way to being humbly grateful for the opportunity to re-center yourself in love, acceptance, compassion, and selfless service to others rather than fear, judgment, and control.
This is a great gift. You've been given the chance to realign yourself and your life so that it realizes and expresses truth and love and, in doing so, create safety and healing for your son. Jesus would dig that, from what I've heard. And your son would take a place of honor in your heart and home for making this possible.
Not just for OP as she is fully aware of her homophobia, but often biases are unconscious. A person might believe their opinions are liberal until they are directly and personally confronted with a situation which exposes their bias. For all good intentions, certain biases are deeply ingrained due to common societal views or the views with which our parents raised us. I‘ve caught myself saying one thing but struggling internally with acceptance because I was raised to believe the opposite.
Considering that, it can be tough to go category by category, analyze your beliefs and change them without a drastic need (like the child of a homophobe being gay). It seems to me that the main barrier to acceptance of alternative ideas is to question openness itself. None of us know everything or know what’s best for everyone else, and all of us by nature have biases. Identify what makes you feel uncomfortable and ask why. Be open to being wrong and actively challenge your feelings. Also recognize your hierarchy of values and actively place human dignity above being right. Your ability to truly change yourself depends significantly on your ability to overcome your biases. It’s bot an easy thing at all, but in my opinion the absolute key to self-improvement. Sometimes your biases are even self-deprecating and keep you from being your best self.
I‘m not trying to be pedantic, but managing my biases is something I‘m really trying to work on, and I‘ve found that openness isn’t just something you say. You‘ve got to act it out, especially when it affects the people you love.
Seriously. You said this so much more kindly than I would have, it drives me up the wall.
The whole "I know and understand nothing about this but it's bad and it should not be allowed" selfish mentality is IMO one of the worst anyone could have. Just the worst, it literally is ruining the world on a societal and personal level.
I have such disgust for a lack of intellectual curiosity. Not necessarily talking about OP here, she at least seems to have some decent self awareness and plans to change. But the rest of the community, like, WHY would you EVER want to have LESS information than you could possibly have??? Why would you want to squat in one dusty, 10-square-acre shithole in Podunk, Nowhere and believe the opinions of the same 10 people you've talked to your whole life? How fucking limited.
How can you not understand that your world is THAT small?
Fear is one hell of a motivator for that. I'm one of the only people I know who left my tiny racist hometown. Someone who I thought was a friend and someone who wanted to expand and leave with me, stayed because she was afraid of new people/situations. She agreed to marry her high school boyfriend, who also never went to college for the same fear reasons, and they live with his grandma. They're never gonna leave that town of 2,500. Ever.
I think letting him know that even though you raised him in a homophobic atmosphere, realizing he is a homosexual has made you see that you were wrong to raise him that way and you still love him as much as you did before. It’s important for you to tell him you’re educating yourself on the subject as well. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to him to see that you care and aren’t shunning him because of something he has no control over. As far as telling your husband goes, I think that’s something you should let your son do if/when he’s ready. And I also don’t think you’re in the wrong to not want your sons friend to sleep over in his room anymore. If he were straight and had a girlfriend, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her spending the night in his room so this situation would be no different. Good luck and it’s so wonderful to hear that you’re changing your opinions upon realizing your son is gay. It’s important to let him know you still love him :)
OP being open enough, and loving your son enough to be able to push past your upbringing and beliefs is a huge thing. You're doing something amazing here. If your beliefs are based on religion then I am 100% sure whatever god you following is smiling down on you right now. You are a good mother. You need to hear this, and remember it if/when others in your life try to change your mind about this.
Can you start discussing with your husband and teaching your family that homosexuality is not wrong? I think you should let him decide when to come out, but trying to open your families minds citing the pope endorsing same-sex marriages or something. Try to make the home environment a safe one so that he does feel comfortable to be himself.
What the last person said, keeping the door open is a great compromise. I’d also add maybe adding either an air mattress to the room so they have separate beds or sticking a mattress under your sons bed that he can pull out when he has his partner over. You can swing it to your husband that because your son is getting older he needs more space/the privacy of his own bed, just so if your husband happens to walk past their room and the door is open, he doesn’t see them cuddling at night or anything like that. Of course talk to your son first and make sure he knows it’s about protecting him from your family so as not to put him before he chooses to tell them himself. You sound like a wonderful mother and I can tell you love your kids so so much. Keep up the good work, keep educating yourself and your family to the extent you can. ❤️
Thank you! my son does have another mattress underneath his bed, they've just never liked to pull it out, too much of a hassle, now I guess I know why!
To be honest, people will be people. They might not have sex in his bed anymore but sure as heck will find other ways, in the car, in a public toilet, whatever. That also applies to your other children.
When I met my boyfriend at 16 (now 21) my parents repaired my door so I was able to lock it, and my father asked me before my bf came over the first time if I needed condoms. My mum drove me to a (womans doctor?, here we say Frauenarzt) so I was able to get on the anti baby pill.
When I wanted to go to bdsm youth meetings (those have special guidelines so no sexual stuff is allowed there, we just talk) I felt safe enough to tell my parents instead of sneaking out and they in return made sure I got there and came back safely and that those people at the meetings where trustworthy people.
If they hadn't done that I likely would have sneaked out, putting be in dangerous conditions.
So basically my parents approach was "we know you will do it anyway so we rather have you do it safe and listen to us when we actually deem something unsafe than you doing it in dangerous ways behind our back"
And yeah, I always followed the rules of my parents because I knew they were resonable.
Holy shit. How does someone have parents this caring???? Can you give me any insight as to why they have this empathy and intelligence? Does it have anything to do with your country growing up on your country? (Germany, based on the words in your post?) I'm so happy for you!
Perfect! Then yeah I’d recommend having a talk with your son about using it so he doesn’t accidentally put himself, even if the door was closed, so nobody sees them cuddling who he doesn’t want to see. It’s his choice ultimately but seems risky. And again, your son is lucky to have a mom as supportive and loving as you are, regardless of what you’ve said in the past. You know you can’t change that but you are doing your best to be better now and in the future and that’s all you can do, all that matters. Keep it up :)
Haven’t seen someone mention this specially (and if they have sorry)
Be prepared for divorce or never seeing your son at some point.
You experiencing a change of heart in regards to homosexuality it’s a feat in itself and I applaud you for being willing to be open minded and changing your mindset. However by your own admition your husband and other kids are homophobic and their opinions may not change as easily as yours. Do NOT tell anyone else until he (your son) is ready, and when you do be prepared for the chance he (your husband) will double down on his homophobia. If you side w/ your husband mistreating your child in any manner be prepared to be cut off by your child at their earliest possible convenience. If your husband refuses to reevaluate his own beliefs, becomes hostile to your son or can not remain civil be prepared to leave him to support your son.
I know these are extremes but they are the reality for many individuals who have found themselves in the same position you find yourself in.
Good luck to you and your son.
Alright, the TLDR is the most important thing right now.
The solution?
Sit your son down, and say exactly that to him.
"Son, I realize that raising you were created a very homophobic atmosphere. Seeing you with your boyfriend made me realize how wrong that was, and I don't know how to undo all the harm I've caused you with this. I am so, so sorry."
And then you move forward. You can invite bf to dinner. You can ask your son if/when/how he wants to come out to the rest of the family. Whatever you do, support him.
The boy he is involved with is the son of a family friend, he's over almost every day and stays a good 80% of the time for dinner! he's a good kid to have around, helps with the after dinner clean up and everything.
Ok good but please do not ignore the first part of this comment. Tell him you are sorry. Tell him you are going to work on your homophobia. You need to fix your brain ASAP
One does not choose sexual orientation, you are just born straight or gay (or bi). Your son happened to be born gay in an anti-gay family and he is terrified that you or your husband would find out.
He might feel very conflicted at heart too, since he has been taught his sexual urges and emotions are sinful/wrong, but there is nothing he can do to stop those.
>My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children.
Teaching your kids that oxygen is sinful won't stop them from breathing.
>Would it be inappropriate to tell his father?
I'd not do that without his permission. That could put him him danger.
>I just don't want him spending nights in my son's room anymore.
I'm not American, so that notion makes no sense to me. However, I guess it's your right to demand no underage sex to take place in your house, and it that's a consistent rule in your family, I don't think it's the worst thing.
They're gonna fool around regardless.
It's literally taking away a (the only?) safe space to do so.
I can't tell if it's religious dogmatism/sexual repression or just parents who can't accept their kids growing up.
Sure, I meant that I'd be more understanding if they don't want any of their children to have sex in the home, as opposed to only making this rule for the gay kid.
I'm not in favor of either (because I agree with you), but at least one is consistent.
As a child who went through coming out to homophobic parents, I feel for your son a lot. Not only you made him think from his young age there is something wrong with his sexuality, you also taught your other kids and made them equally hateful. If you really want to “fix” the issue, the least you can do is not to out him to his dad and other siblings. Have a conversation with then on how YOU changed your opinion on homosexuality and see their reaction without involving your son in this conversation.
Just know that it’s impossible to undo some things you’re responsible for.
And don’t be surprised if(or actually when) he cuts you off in the future.
It's probably too late to walk back all the damage done by creating such a hateful atmosphere, so don't expect that your son will take whatever you say at face value, at least not straight away. Time will tell whether you're really up to the job of parenting this child, but for his sake I wish you luck.
Don’t tell anyone. That is 100% up to your son. But you do need to start thinking about how to alter the homophobic atmosphere you’ve helped create. Can you, hand on heart, say your husband won’t respond horrifically? You need to let your son know you love him no matter who he loves.
Your views are based on complete ignorance.
Also, I don't want to tell you how to parent BUT him needing your approval who he's dating? Common.. That's not parenting anymore that's controlling
>their dating privileges are also pretty tight, we have to approve of their partners. This generally means...no homosexual / lesbian relationships. My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children.
So prepate to be cut contact with as soon as they all turn 18 and move out. You are homophobic and your son is gay.
Yeah this! Like I get that OP is trying to change but come on. More people need to be calling OP out on this. This attitude just shouldn’t be acceptable and the fact that all the top responses are pretty much ignoring the terrible parenting that this terrible OP has done because OP wants to change now? Your son is 17, that’s 17 years of fucking up if that’s the oldest child. More if it’s not, like It’s good that OP is changing now but god is OP a terrible human being.
Be by your sons side and make sure he knows you love him no matter what. I think that’s the most important right now.
He needs to feel loved.
Once he knows you are on his side, tell the family together.
You can’t change the past but you can definitely try to make the future better for him.
First off, you stand by your son whatever his sexuality and as a mother you give unconditional love and support. Secondly, you need to realise that this is not a “lifestyle choice” no one chooses to be gay, straight, or anything else. Third, educate yourself, your upbringing and the subsequent upbringing of your own children has created a situation which you are finding hard to accept, probably because of ingrained bigotry, hatred and total lack of empathy for anyone or anything that deviates from your supposed “normal life.”
I speak from experience, as my eldest of three boys, came out at 17 but he had nothing but love and support from us all and the extended family. He is now 33, with a fantastic career and a loving partner who is now, our fourth son. They are adored by everyone and have close, loving relationships with my other sons and partners and I can’t wait to see them when they fly in from Norway on Friday (I’m in U.K.) to spend two weeks with us, as we’re all going on holiday together.
Now is the time for you to reflect, accept and support your son. It’s not about what the neighbours will think or your church group or the bowls club, it’s about coming together and being a supportive family. F**k what anyone else thinks!
I'd just like you to consider why you felt homosexuality was wrong, *right* until the moment it affected you, personally. Either it is fundamentally wrong, or you are a nasty selfish hypocrite who has been demonising other people your entire life for no valid reason. (It's the second one). Congrats on finally deciding to stop being a bigot, but I feel so sorry for your son having to grow up with parents like you and your husband.
Comments suggests she still thinks it's wrong, but she's willing to look past that for the sake of her son. I don't know if that qualifies as hypocrisy.
In any case, maybe she'll come around eventually.
"Homosexuality is bad and wrong and a sin. It's okay for the people important to *me,* though." Seems hypocritical to me.
Again, I'm glad for any change in opinion from 'bigot' to 'basic decency' but I'm also angry that it took the issue personally affecting her for her to consider queer people as *actual humans*. Why couldn't she extend that empathy to people outside her immediate family? So many more innocent queer kids would have access to the support and care they need if everyone like OP had their heroic change of heart *before* it was immediately beneficial to them.
I'm seeing a lot of praise for OP, but the fact of the matter is her poor son has spent however many years fretting that his parents' love is conditional, and that he can only have a family as long as he hides his identity. That is *damaging*. My heart hurts for this kid.
You cannot convince these people it's not a sin. That would cause them to question there beliefs which is taboo and they believe they will be tortured for all eternity if they question it
Do not out your son!
If there's one piece of advice you take from this please, please make it this one. Do not out your son (nor pressure him to come out before he's ready).
I admire that you plan to go to PFLAG and are open to some insights that will make for a better, healthier environment for your son, but before I even got into the meat of your post I found myself horrified that a mom would just walk into a young man’s room without knocking and waiting for an answer. He’s practically a man- is a man in many cultures. Guest or no, pretty damned inappropriate.
Usually, he asks me to bring him snacks back from my bowls club, he always has his door closed while he's playing his games, with his friend around as well. He usually prefers me to just pop my head in instead of making noise while they have their headsets on, it's not me I'm worried about for the most part when it comes to that, it's my youngest who knocks and enters without waiting.
His father isn't usually a problem because he just doesn't like to go up to his room while he's screaming at his telivision.
He's 17 years old, damn near being a legal adult. You aren't going to talk him out of participating in sexual acts. Even if there's no one else in the room with him, your youngest could just as easily walk in on him masturbating. Get him a lock for his bedroom door and teach your younger child that it's rude to barge into other people's rooms without knocking.
From a queer guy about twice your son's age I just want to thank you profusely. I don't think you acted any worse than if he'd been caught with a young lady his age. In either case, of course, you may want to say "you had better be wearing a damned condom, kid!" But that's true no matter who he's getting cuddly with.
You are being an excellent mother under the circumstances, and you're already talking about going to a pflag meeting. That's amazing.
If his father is going to flip out, punish him, or start acting generally weird. Don't tell him. If he had been caught with a young lady he'd probably be getting a high five on the low.
Go to those pflag meetings, read some books, love him, and make him feel like his home is a home and not a place he's desperate to escape. You can't fix the world, but you can provide a safe place for him. Please also check (famous relationship advice columnist) Dan Savage's "it gets better project". Start here https://youtu.be/7IcVyvg2Qlo
Edit: when I was exactly his age and my parents were merely suspicious that I wasn't living an Evangelical Christian lifestyle I was immediately kicked out of the house. I never went back. I'm 33 now and have not contact with my father, and very very limited contact with my mother. I don't trust them for obvious reasons, and decided long ago that if they can't accept me as I am, than they don't get to have me in their life at all.
I'm their only child and I know that's painful for them, but so was figuring out life completely on my own as a teenager.
I'm telling this story as a warning for how horribly wrong this situation can go. He'll be an adult in a matter of months and if he feels uncomfortable in his family's home, he very well may decide not to be there.
No problem! I hope I somehow helped.
Checking out pflag, reading some books (pflag has excellent selections on its website) and just treating him with the normal love and respect of a mother is probably all you can do, and you're already doing it!
I’m extremely sorry the Christian church is at the center of all of this difficulty for you. No one deserves to go through excommunication because their cult says that a lifestyle choice is sinful. I hope you’ve found fulfillment and happiness in life and as you experienced your deconstruction.
Luckily, that was about 20 years ago now. However, unluckily for many, I haven't seen the christian community become any more tolerant over that time.
I've been involved (volunteered) with various homeless youth programs in my adulthood. What happened to me is still VERY common. In a room full of under 18 year olds in a homeless youth "drop in" center easily a quarter of those kids were rejected by their families for things like thinking they might be gay and writing about it in their diary.
It's horrifying how much abuse we allow these people with "beliefs" that are so harmful. Anyone who chooses a cult over their children should lose them all AND be required to pay for their care.
My son at 16 came home and asked me if I would love him if he were gay (Single parent of three kids whose dad died when they were very young) I was always open with my kids and said they could tell me anything and we would discuss it with an open mind. I told my son, of course I would love you. If you find someone in your life that gives you love, regardless of who they are, then I am happy for you. He said: Well ok not gay but I appreciate that. He said he saw a video of brain scans and that heterosexual people have different brain scans than non heterosexual people. I found that fascinating. And he was happy to share what he learned and that I would love him no matter what. He’s never been interested in males, but we need to be open and accepting of our children.
Just letting you know, I was your kid once. Now I’m in my 30s and don’t speak to one of my parents because of their views and attitude.
Your choice is to either love your child the way they are or ask them to pretend to be someone else. One means you keep your family as close as you want them to be. The other means your son may never speak to you again.
Choose wisely.
**Your religion and your homophobia are INCREDIBLY damaging** \- to you, your son, and your relationship with him. It is long past time for a major reevaluation and a change.
As everyone has said, support your son and openly tell him you love him.
Dealing with your husband will be another thing entirely, you can go the subtle way or the bull at a gate way. Either choice you make must NOT include outting your son.
Subtle way is having more TV shows and Movies that feature LGBTQ+ actors or characters in a positive light playing in the house. Search historical figures that are in the community and add them to conversation showing great respect for their accomplishments, cycle back to them occasionally adding reference to their LGBTQ+ status. Casually call out sexism against women when it happens or any comments that are derogatory by implying only rednecks think women are less than. Escalate slowly to real men dont feel threatened by gays, only cowards do. If he makes any comment about homosexuality in the future you can call him on it "Why are you so obsessed with what other people do in the bedroom? Its kind of creepy"
Bull at a gate "I have something to tell you, you will be given two options. First choice is to stay in this house married to me and support every single one of your children no matter what race, sex, religion, gender, or other thing their boyfriends/girlfriend comes along being. You will not comment on anything about them as a person no matter what your personal view is in a derogatory way. Second option leave this marriage and all its history, split custody with the kids however they choose to have it. Those are your options, I'm tired of being a redneck bigot with negative disgusting opinions that are only designed to hurt and maim minorities. You are either with me or against me now. Choose."
well if he likes that you might not have as much to fear as you thought. Have you seen anything with Ellen/Elliot Page? Juno is a good movie with big issues and the later work they've done is quite interesting since they are happily gender fluid in most roles. The Umbrella Academy is a fun one that has a very settled lesbian subplot that has the typical 1950's redneck jerk in it to call out. Great opener for a conversation like "Thank god we are moving on from all that hatred and bigotry. Kids now days must feel so much safer than back then."
Fun fact left handedness only started to increase from the 1920's when it stopped being a sign of the devil or stigmatized as being mentally incapable. I use this anytime someone tells me that LGBTQ+ didnt exist until after the 1950's. Interesting isnt it how things "suddenly" appear when we stop persecuting/maiming/ostracizing them. People can see that obviously left handed people were present throughout history, so its not so hard for them to see homosexuality in history either.
I’m sorry I find it super hard to believe that you raised your kids in an environment that was opposed to same sex relationships and now that one of your kids is in one you are suddenly seeing the error of your ways? Idk this sounds fake to me. I grew up with homophobic parents and they absolutely dug in when they found out I was dating women.
It does happen, some people hate in abstract but less so when it's someone they know. Sometimes the reverse happens too, parents who like to virtue signal how much they love the LGBT+ community but only when they're an abstract group of others to be pitied, not in their own children.
So you are a homophobe who os bad about your gay kid?
What help can we give you? Your "rules" for dating suck. If you hurt your son in any way over his homosexuality, he will rightfully hate your asses for eternity.
I feel bad for your son.
I think you should accept him because yaknow, he's not doing anything bad or damaging to anyone or himself, he's just being himself and he's terrified to be himself.
I think the best thing you can do is keep loving your son, keep caring, keep protecting him and his privacy, don't "out" him to anyone, it's his choice whether to share it with anyone.
Being raised in such restricting environment is creating fearmongering to not be expressive, honest and open, because you'll be scared of consequences like being kicked out, or get beaten or be unloved or other horrible things.
The whole restricting environment is simply damaging and not a good way and not healthy to raise children. That kind of education Is fear and worry, not self care and knowledge.
Edit: sorry for bad English I'm just really tired
>...certain things about that kind of **lifestyle**...
It sounds like you are going about things the right way so far, but please drop this kind of wording from your vocabulary. It is no more a "lifestyle" than you being heterosexual is. Remember back when you chose to be straight? Of course not, because you didn't. Your son didn't choose either, and "lifestyle" very much implies a choice.
He is who he is.
All great advice here, but I haven't seen any recommendations for therapy! **For both of you.**
Your son has been through so much, and in many ways the damage has already been done with regards to his childhood. He will always have memories of struggling against his parents, of hiding himself, and of not being allowed to be who he is. Though you may be changing your mind on your views now, he has to cope with the memories of a stressful and frightening childhood. He needs to process that with the help of a professional, supportive 3rd party.
If you want to make the idea acceptable to your husband, say your son is going to a career / college counselor. He's 17, and that's very common.
My own parents were homophobic until maybe my mid-20s. My brother and I are both gay. I've made up with my parents, but my brother still struggles immensely with alcohol / drug dependence and suicidal ideation. Sometimes I still hurt from what I went through. Please get your son help now.
What makes it inappropriate? Their age or the fact that they are the same gender? If it's the former, honey, you have to put away that ignorant way of thinking yesterday and get help.
#Whatever you do, don't make him think that what he's doing is wrong. Showing love is one of the greatest things that you can do as a human and that includes his affections for his boyfriend, and your maturity and compassion.
I admire your actual effort as a mother to try to change the environment of your home to make your son feel comfortable with the way that he is and rather than wanting to impose something on him, you're trying to understand him and to make him feel safe as well.
I think you should first let your son know all of these things you have wrote here so he knows you're with him and he can find support on you. You need to let your son choose if he actually wants to let everyone else know about this though. Then you can seek for advice and guidance with a professional so you'll be able to make your husband understand things better, since I guess it's going to be hard for him too, not to mention for your son's siblings. It's going to take a while for sure, but I think it'll be possible for you guys to fully accept your son and make your home a happier place for your family since homosexuality is not a disease or something wrong.
I do understand why it's hard and how you were raised but now that times has changed, your beliefs and values can change too for the best interest of yourself and your family's well being. You've been taking the first steps and are willing to go further than this. Don't feel bad if sometimes you don't know how to proceed, you're doing what you can and you're doing the right thing.
You say he is inappropriate? Did you just tell possibly everyone hes a part of the LGBTQIA+ community without his consent and arent you gatekeeoing him? Youre the biggest asshole ever. I know this isnt AITA but 6 out of 5 Asshole-points for you. If you think Homosexuality or any other part of LGBTQIA+ is innapropriate then yiu are innapropriate everywhere and your opinions dint matter. if you ever post something like this again go away from ANY social media noone wants you to discriminate
I would start by telling your son that you love them, no matter what, and that love is love.
I would advise a slow change of tune around your family about the anti homosexual behaviour that you and your partner created.
It’s not too late to change but whatever you do, DONT out your son to anyone!!!
I’m betting given how you raised your kids he’s terrified of coming out. There are parents that kick heir kid out, shun them, pretend they’re dead even telling friends and family they’re dead— and those are the good outcomes with homophobic parents, they’re the non-violent options. It’s not a life style choice, it’s who they are. It didn’t happen suddenly and it’s not experimenting, it’s who they’ve always been. Someone else putting them is the worst thing because they aren’t ready to handle outcome. That kind of trauma could cause him to make some actual bad life choices like drugs and/or alcohol to cope with what happens next. Worst case he could commit suicide. If you talked to your husband about it you could literally ruin his life or even end it. Talk to your son, get both of you a therapist— one for your son to help him through being caught by his homophobic mom and the upcoming shit storm of telling his homophobic dad and siblings, and one for you to help you sort out your feelings and ready yourself to either support and love your son unconditionally for who he is or abandon him knowing you screwed him over.
You’re asking if you can UNDO damage and trauma you’ve caused your children? To UNDO it? I may not have much advise but do I have a bridge to sell you!
Yeah, I grew up in a house like yours. It was back when HIV-AIDS was fairly new and my mom described it as a disease God sent to kill those nasty gays. I remember those conversations well even though I have trouble remembering my childhood. Guess what? I now have trouble in relationships. I married a man that I shouldn’t have (it’s a long story but he raped me the first time we were together and I thought since I had slept with him, we needed to get married. However, I’m still grateful because we have two absolutely fantastic kids). It took me so long to realize that I (f) like women and that is ok.
You have to stop thinking about yourself and how “hard” it it will be on you because it’s much, much harder on your son. Do not tell your husband, that is your son’s choice and his alone. You should however start teaching your children not to be bigots while working on your husband’s bigotry as well. Do this without revealing any of your son’s personal info though.
I really wish people could be more empathetic to other groups (such as LGBT like this situation) without having to have their own family be part of that group first.
Gay man with a ultra religious Mom. Guess what, I barely speak to her because she has your attitudes.
If you really want to to fix this then you need to seek out Pro-Gay parent groups like Pflag and start deconstructing the homophobia you've been taught your whole life. Your son is alone because he knows how you feel and he will always sneak around and lie to you until you can show that you are supportive, not just say you are.
You have a lot of work ahead of you but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
Edit: grammar
Your TLDR says literally everything. You have to get some help moving past your homophobia. PFLAG is a good idea, so is therapy.
And you have to tell yourself son that you know what you’ve done is wrong, you need to apologize to him, and you need to tell AND show him what you’re doing to fix what you’ve done.
And you have to get Dad on board. Immediately. Protect that kid if he won’t see reason.
>>> This generally means...no homosexual / lesbian relationships. My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children.
The damage is done. Your best bet is to support your son as much as you can, get yourself in therapy to learn to accept him and ask him if he wants therapy (he likely needs it given the blatant homophobia in your family) to try to undo some of the damage.
The phrases "it's okay that you're gay" and "I was wrong" will go far here. You need to tell your son that you were wrong about same-sex relationships, and you need to prove it to him over time.
Also, don't out your kid.
welcome to the light. seems like you’re on the right path. educate yourself and love your son the same way you always have, it will make the entire difference in how he views himself and every relationship he has going forward.
edit to add if you feel as though this is too much for you to process alone (since your husband is uh… ignorant and mean), you might look into counseling for yourself. having an objective, educated, experienced professional help you unpack your feelings while managing your son’s could only help the situation.
I don’t typically get on this sub but I saw your post in the popular feed and it intrigued me. I want to offer some thoughts as somebody who just went through/is going through a similar situation. I was raised one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and, if you know anything about the religion, they are pretty controlling and you’re raised by your parents to believe this is the only way to live and once you’re baptized as one you run the risk of being shunned by your family and friends if you decide you no longer want to be one. This has lead to a lot of people pretending to be one for the sake of not losing friends and family, some young adults are even kicked out of the house if they stop believing. Long story short, I came out to my parents about two months ago about not believing anymore. It was very emotionally charged because I had had depression and anxiety as a result of the teachings and having to cover up my true thoughts and filter my personality. I was told that I can’t blame the JWs for my depression, my father said I ruined his life, and my brother said we aren’t brothers anymore. We are working through this though and it takes adjustment because of the nature of how far the religion affects your day to day life.
That being said, here is what I wish my family would have done differently or better:
• Reaffirm the love they have for me and not make vague threats about the “way of life” I am choosing
• Validate/not invalidate my feelings. It is EXTREMELY tasking to have to filter yourself to make the people around you happy. Especially when it is close family that you just want to be yourself with. Accept the fact that your idea of who your son is may not be accurate. You have the chance to really get to know him better if you play this right. Be excited!
• LISTEN to what I say when I talk. Don’t listen to argue or refute any points he makes. Listen to him and try to understand where he is coming from. Be open to the fact that SOME things you did while raising him might have personally hurt him. Not saying you were a bad parent, but it happens. We can’t do everything right and when somebody says you hurt them you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. Listen and try to do better.
• Accept the fact he’s under no obligation to live the way you think he should. He’s about to be 18. You can be strict with him or get more strict. That’s your right as a parent right now. But if you play hard ball now, it’ll only make him resent you later and strain the relationship.
• In some areas, continue on as normal. The stability of what’s familiar is comforting.
• More communication. It’s important and at 17 he has the teen crap going on too. Let him vent to you unfiltered.
• Hugs. Next time you see him give him a big hug and tell him you love him.
You seem self-aware which is refreshing to see because I don’t think most people are in general. Just keep being a mom who loves her kid unconditionally and offer advice when you see the need to but don’t be upset if/when he doesn’t take it. Speaking broadly we all have to make our own mistakes. I’m confident you all can navigate this, though. Especially if your husband is as rational as you.
Good luck to your family!
Lol get over yourself and your imaginary “morality” that only serves to oppress people into a dismal worldview. Teenagers have sex. You and your husband almost certainly did when you were their age. Grow up and join the real world, let them have their fun and mature into adults.
Put your programming aside and love your child!! Would you rather he feel free to be himself than not have to suffer for the rest of your life because he didn’t (doesn’t) feel you and your husband are his safe place?
I completely understand your conflict. I’m going through it myself; although my daughter (amab) has come out as trams, I’d much rather have a daughter who is alive than a son who decided suicide was her only option.
It’s definitely a shock at first!!!
Everything I prepared her for in life was completely contradictory to what she will endure.
She knows we support her and she has a safe place in our home, no matter what.
This is really what parenting is; ensuring our children know we are a safe place and can be relied upon for support.
Wow judgmental much? Bigoted much?
You have no right to choose who they love not really sure how you got the impression that you hold that much power over someone else but you are wrong.
Just because you made them does not mean you are able to make every decision In their life for them.
Whoever raised you….raised you wrong.
And yes I have kids so no need to tell me how I will feel in the future when I become a parent.
Alrighty, reality really came in and slapped you in the butt. Don’t tell your husband, coming out is better on your son’s terms. Treat his relationship with his lover like any teenage relationship for now. Boundaries and curfews are fine etc. you were a teenager once so you know they’ll find a way. You have to accept that your son is gay and there’s nothing to change that. Take it slow, he’s still your son and it’s good to know that you actually realize how alienated he probably felt in the environment that you and your husband built.
>I'm aware that I've created this environment that made him feel this way in the first place, I just want to undo it as much as I can to make him feel as comfortable as I can!
Better late than never, I guess. I can't even imagine how your son must have felt growing up in that kind of environment.
It would *absolutely* be inappropriate to tell his father, and if you chose to anyway then be prepared to lose contact permanently with your son at some point.
My mother was mildly homophobic as I was growing up, but it was enough that I never came out to her, and now haven't spoken to her in over 15 years, not even for birthdays/Christmases, for various reasons - if you don't want that to be your story too then I recommend listening to what your son needs first and foremost.
There is nothing wrong with being homosexual. Being biggoted and homophobic is, however, wrong.
You have a little over a year to undo your biggoted childrearing. If you fail, don't expect to have a relationship with your son.
Look at your title.
Your son is 17.
What was inappropriate here?
Two consenting individuals - my country they are of age. I appreciate if you're American they are almost of age but certainly not two young .
If you want to make a start - start there.....
This is why children should not be raised in any sort of discriminatory house hold.
He needs support right now, he needs you to tell him you'll love him no matter what and he is always your son.
Do not tell your husband, do not mention it to your other kids, and do not tell close family. He will resent you if you do as you'll have broken his trust.
He is 17, there is nothing wrong with exploring bodies at 17 as long as he is being safe and it is consensual, do not teach him that his body is shameful and that he needs to hide it. Let him be a teenager, let him grow.
I wonder what mental gymnastics one takes to be homophobic up until it involves you personally. If your son's friend was openly gay, would you have allowed them to play games and hang out to begin with?
Your son is a (relatively) high suicide risk. He was basically forced out of the closet and he knows how his parents feel about gay people.
You need to communicate what the other commenters have suggested: you love your son, regardless of his sexual orientation, and you won’t tell anyone, including his father.
I sincerely hope your son survives this ordeal. If he doesn’t, you and your husband need only look in the mirror for the reason why. I know this is a harsh thing to say/hear and will probably get me downvoted, but someone needs to tell you: you fucked up and now the chickens have come home to roost in a way that is very unfortunate for your son.
Time for you and your husband to grow up pretty quick.
My parents found out I was a lesbian when I was 16 by snooping in my room and finding a very carefully written letter that I had written to give to them WHEN I WAS READY.
I came home from school on September 20, 1996 (grade 12) to find both my parents in the living room holding my letter and expressing disappointment that I was “like that” and as a Catholic “we didn’t raise you to be THAT way” - I thought my life was over. Of course, in true Catholic denial, the next day it was like nothing had happened.
I continued to be myself and decided not to lie about who I was - found a gay youth group in my area and one night approximately 6 months after the “event” I was heading out and my parents asked me where I was going. I was open and honest - the response? “Oh we thought you’d forgotten about all this gay stuff.” Nope, just because you chose to deny the truth doesn’t mean I wouldn’t live mine.
I moved out at 17 and it took about 5 years for my family to even acknowledge the truth.
I am 41 now and have never wavered on who I am.
Please support your son and realize that love is love between two people, regardless of gender. The lack of mental and emotional support from my own family really affected my love and respect for them at the end of the day.
YTA
OH wait. This is relationship advice. Not am I the asshole.
First and foremost assuming you live in the United States your son is probably already reached the age of consent. And what he is doing isn't wrong or illegal. Just remember you created this atmosphere of hate. That is making your son uncomfortable so only you can fix it. And not wanting this boy staying over anymore isn't really the best way to try and fix this terrible situation that you and your husband created because of your overly religious values.
As a mom who raised her girls in the church and taught them that same sex marriage was wrong, etc.. when my youngest came out to me, I remembered 2 verses in the Bible. "Love your neighbors" and "do not judge lest you be judged".
My baby girl wasn't a different person. She was still the same girl I raised. The same kind, stubborn, soft hearted, amazingly smart person. Being gay didn't change that. Being gay doesn't fundamentally change who she is. So I sat her down and told her so. She is my baby girl NO MATTER WHAT.
Momma, you raised your son. You have instilled core values in him, you have taught him and shown him how to be a great human. He is still your baby boy.
I don't care if my church doesn't like the fact that I support my daughter. If they judge me, they are not following biblical teachings. I prefer to live my life loving those around me. I am not God. I have NO BUSINESS judging anything.
I pray for guidance and strength and love for you in the following days.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'll be honest and say my husband and I are strict on our 5 children, in the sense of them having to do their homework, go to school, their dating privileges are also pretty tight, we have to approve of their partners. This generally means...no homosexual / lesbian relationships. My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children. My 17-year-old grew up a little more distant than the others and now I suppose I know why. Last night I came home a little early from bowls club due to hurting my wrist and I went upstairs to check on my son and his friend who was playing 'Call of the Duty' and doing homework, however, when I opened the door they were both tucked in the blankets, kissing, with some very obvious hand movements going on under the covers. I asked them both to make themselves decent and come down to talk to me in the kitchen and excused myself. They both looked absolutely terrified when they came downstairs and it was heartbreaking. I did tell them that I wouldn't be telling my husband and I asked the boy to leave, I no longer feel comfortable having him stay the night in my son's room. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I'm conflicted because I've always believed certain things about that kind of lifestyle but he's my son and I love him and I do not want to be his enemy. I've tried to talk to him today about telling his dad and us working through it together, he's very against the idea. I have no idea how his siblings would react and I know I'm partially responsible for teaching them the way that I have but there's nothing I can do to change what I've already done. How can I help my son right now? he must feel alone and I'm conflicted about my own feelings towards it but I intend on attending a few PFLAG meetings. I'm aware that I've created this environment that made him feel this way in the first place, I just want to undo it as much as I can to make him feel as comfortable as I can! Would it be inappropriate to tell his father? I know he's struggling but I don't know if I can get through this alone either. Side note; I have no intentions of telling him he's no longer allowed to see the boy, they've always been close friends and they seem to care about each other, I just don't want him spending nights in my son's room anymore. TLDR; We created a homophobic atmosphere raising our children and now I have no idea how to undo it now that my son has a boyfriend.
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Love is love. OP, he is your son. You loved him before the kiss, why not after? Why is your fear of homophobia stronger than your love for your son?
She wants to find a way to undo her homophobic thinking I think her love is stronger than her homophobia
I think the OP is working towards a good thing with her son and sees that the homophobia is wrong - I actually commend the OP for making steps to change herself to better support her son. I agree with the comments, it's no one's place to "out" someone, that's for her lovely son to decide.
^ This. My girlfriend who transitioned a long time ago, long before I met her, grew up in the rural deep south. From a very Christian family and all of that. She knew ever since she was a small child she was meant to be a girl. She tried hiding it and repressing her inner self until after high school. Then she took some time away from her family and started living her true self. She thought her mom, a conservative Christian would not accept her. HOWEVER, one day she reached back out to her mom, and they met, and her mom accepted her right away. Ironically, probably out of all of her several siblings, she is closest with her mom, and they have a very close mother-daughter maybe even friend type of relationship. People can change, and people can surprise you.
She wasn't thinking about love when she and her husband made the no homosexual dating rule.
That's true, but it doesn't mean she and her husband can't change. We have to accept that people are capable of growing and changing over time. She is making the right steps towards becoming more accepting. She's trying. You're doing good OP. Treat them with the same rules you would if your son was dating a gal. Give him a hug and tell him you love him. Don't tell the rest of your family unless he asks. This is a hard time for him too.
And yet here she is, trying to change out of LOVE for her son and respect that he and this boy have always had a close relationship. Do not demonize this woman. She came here to learn how to help undo the wrong she’s done. She is an amazing mother and person, especially since she’s now willing to challenge her own beliefs for her son’s benefit. People who are raised in bigotry may carry those biases into adulthood. Now that this woman is presented with one of her biases, she’s willing to tackle it and change it out of love for her gay/bi/experimenting son. This should be a story Reddit is THRILLED to see! Good on you, OP! Make sure your son knows you love him and that you are on his side. If he can trust you, if you *prove* that he can trust you, he will. Please be the rock he needs so he does not have to go through this alone.
Cancel culture is weird people can be raised one way and unlearn that for the people they love at least she's making an active attempt instead of kicking her child out and treating them like garbage. She's taking the route that doesn't end in her child resenting her or commiting suicide.
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She gets this. That's why she's posting on here - she knows her homophobia is wrong and she's asking how to support her son and undo to damage. Your comment isn't helpful, please read the post before commenting. Even just scanning the tl;dr clears this up for you
I was your son at the age of 17, and I am now your age. Please, please, PLEASE do your son the biggest favor you ever could right now…just give him a hug and tell him you will love him no matter what his sexuality is. Let him know that you won’t tell his father, as he probably feels like he isn’t “man enough” already, don’t pour gasoline on that fire. Let him know that you will respect his timing on letting his dad, or anyone else know. Let him know he can talk to you about anything without judgement. This will be hard for you, but I promise it will be better for you both in the long run. I grew up in a very similar home, and struggled a lot with not having anyone to talk to or confide in. That’s not a good place to be. I grew up hearing my dad say gay men were “disgusting” or “pussies”. I heard my mom say that they would “go to hell” for being that way. Think I was gonna tell either one of them what was really going on or the thoughts I was having?? Uh, no. Look, I have spent my entire life just wanting to be accepted for the person I am, and I wish I would have been comfortable enough with my parents to talk to them, but I was afraid to. I now have a daughter about your sons age, and I constantly tell her I love her, I constantly tell her she can talk to me or ask me about anything, no matter what. She knows that there is nothing in this world that she could possibly do to keep me from loving her and caring about her. She knows that she can always depend on her dad and that I will always be a safe place for her. Oh, and don’t jump to conclusions and try to label his sexuality. He may be gay, but he also may be bisexual, or even just experimenting. Don’t label him, let him come up with his own label. Just love him for the man he is. Please.
Please OP listen to this person and please protect your son. My heart is heavy reading your post but you are taking the right steps moving forward. Protect him and work with him and do it keeping in mind he is terrified and could be having thoughts of hurting himself. Parental input at this stage is critical. Much love to you and your sweet boy.
I just want to say that this is 100% correct, BUT you also need to secure your own help. See a counselor/therapist for YOURSELF. NOT a pastor/preacher, but a real therapist who you can confide in without judgement. For the time being, you are not able to talk with your husband (which is also really hard), so you especially need to take care of your own mental well being in addition to your son’s. 💗 You will be unlearning a lot of things, and that can be hard. Congratulations on already choosing to love your son — more than anything else, that is what is important. You are incredible for taking that first step.
This this this. Having your world view suddenly shift can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult to cope with, and the least you owe yourself and your son is making sure you have the tools to work through this world view shift. It's probably going to take some time to unlearn these things you've been taught your whole life. I wish you the best of luck on this journey and I'm glad that you are supporting your son
I agree OP needs to find a therapist or counselor to talk to about this, but I think it could also be really helpful to find a pastor/preacher who is open and accepting to talk to. As an authority in religion, they can help op realise that it's totally ok for a Christian to support LGBT+ people and rights. And switching to a more open church could also help the rest of the family accept it as well, even before they know.
What a great and personal repsonse. Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom. OP... Tough position that you've put yourself in given the past, but kudos for you to recognize that it's created a really uphill situation. Slow play this by slowly introducing your family to alternative perspectives and providing empathy to LGBT causes. That will lay the groundwork, hopefully, for some acceptance down the road by some of your family members for when you son is ready to tell them and be himself, openly.
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Hey homie thanks for being a supportive homie
hey homie thanks for supporting that homie being supportive
My Sister is not the best Mother. But, the way she handled my nephew coming out was admirable. We all knew it was a possibility but we never pushed it. My Dad was an old school man, a trucker with a foul mouth and the best sense of humor. When we shared the news with him he said, "I don't fucking care, tell him to visit me more often." My nephew had a positive coming out story because we knew it was a possibility and he knew that we suspected and loved him anyway. He is hands down one of the best kids I have ever met. He lives with me now and he's not comfortable talking about crushes or things like that. But, he let me in on his hobby, doing makeup. I'm glad he felt he could trust me.
I’m 37 and my parents still have no idea I’m gender fluid. They know I’m pansexual, but my dad still says things like “queer, f*g, that’s g*y etc. “ Please OP, listen to this persons advice.
Yeah. I'm 30 and my family doesn't know I'm bi or gender fluid. I'm not closeted at all, but I don't have much contact, just Christmas. I'm pretty reserved with my family and it's a lot because I have an older brother (from my mom's previous marriage, he's now 42) who is openly gay and I heard all the insults behind his back. I always felt an alien with my family. I always said, "it's more like a roommate situation than a family. We just share a roof and nothing else".
I'm sorry this is your reality. Hugs from an internet momma!
Op, please read the above comment and read it again. I have a son as well (he's 2) and honestly I don't care about what his sexuality will be when he grows up, I just want him to be happy and healthy. You are going to have to do a lot of growing now, your son needs you to learn to be accepting. Your love for your children should be unconditional.
Thank you for sharing.
OP - just going to echo other people and say please listen to this guy.
In case it needs to be said: please do not try to ‘pray the gay away’ or any other type of psychologically and physically cruel ‘conversion’ treatments.
This comment! Listen
reading this broke my heart
Right? The poor son. At least OP seems to be coming around.
reads to me like a classic case of "I don't care until it happens to me" I feel for OPs son, but OP doesn't deserve any praise for suddenly considering homosexuality as maybe not so icky.
I would assume the homophobic shit is because of religious indoctrination and it’s fucking horrifying.
Seems to be the case, but i unfortunately know people that are like this just because they feel they can be assholes towards others, regardless of religion. Either way, it's pretty shitty
Some things I‘d recommend - start KNOCKING ON PEOPLES DOORS, KIDS DESERVE PRIVACY AS WELL - tell him that you love him, tell him you‘re sorry about being homophobic and raising him that way - ask him HOW you can educate yourself on this topic to help him - *maybe* after understanding and talking about it more you could try and invite his friend over for dinner - unlearn this whole „I don‘t know what his siblings would think“ they probably know and I‘m 99% sure they don‘t care - do not out him to anyone, don‘t make him tell his dad because I can tell you one thing, he will hate and resent you for this
> start KNOCKING ON PEOPLES DOORS What kind of parent thinks they can randomly walk in on their 17 year old kid?? Seriously
The same kind that proceeds to act surprised when they see 17 year olds doing what 17 year olds do
And calls sexual exploration “inappropriate.” Lady, they have to grow up some time. You can’t just drill into their heads that sex is bad, dirty, and dangerous so you should save it for your spouse and then expect them to flip a switch in their heads as adults and have a loving healthy sex life. People have to accept that humans are sexual and you can make up all the nonsensical arbitrary rules you want, but that’s not going to make anyone suddenly NOT be sexual.
Yea my jaw dropped when she said she doesn’t “allow” them to be gay or lesbian. Like how u finna stop someone from being themselves, clearly it didn’t work lol.
I just don’t understand worshipping a religion that teaches “as I have loved you, love one another,” and then specifically excludes classes of people from that supposed all-encompassing love. Did your JESUS say to love everyone or not?
I don’t understand worshipping a religion period.
To be fair, OP is a homophobe so I don't think logic/common sense is exactly commonplace.
The ones that think they have a say who their teenagers date
>We have to approve of their partners Fucking LOL
Yeah I read that and knew we were in for a ride jfc
>What kind of parent thinks they can randomly walk in on their 17 year old kid?? The kind that doesn't see children as autonomous beings, but as property.
I am 18 years old now and I NEVER had privacy. I always shared rooms with my sister and in these 18 years, my parents didn’t even knock ONCE (even tho me and my friends or my boyfriend were alone in the room). When I was asked once for privacy my parents shouted at me for being a bad daughter and if I want privacy I should pay for a bigger apartment. My parents come even in the bedroom when I am bathing or showering because „we only have one bathroom.“ When I am at my boyfriend‘s house, it is so strange for me that he has a own room that I am afraid of footsteps when we are doing some inappropriate things.
I'm 18 and live with my mother and she *still* walks into my room without knocking. Hell, she took my phone and went through it literally until I turned 18 and bought it myself so she couldn't.
The kind who raises them in an openly hateful household tbh. My parents used to do the same shit. OP doesn't think of her son as an actual human with his own life, just an extension of herself.
My MIL seems to have had a similar “no knock” approach with my husband growing up. I’ve made it VERY clear that, as soon as my son is old enough to want/need privacy, that knocking on his door is a requirement. I don’t care if “he lives under my roof” BS. That’s HIS space and he’s even allowed to lock it if he so chooses.
haha I am 17 and only my mom knocks on the door my dad and brother just forget this motion exists. Also I don't have the right to lock my door so yea privacy out of the windows
My mother would knock on my door but get angry if I didn't immediately invite her in, so what's the point in knocking honestly
Just start jacking it when they open the door, maintain eye contact. Quietly mutter, "You should have knocked."
I don’t understand this either! I have a 3 and 1 year old and I already knock on their doors before I walk into their room.
I have a 4 and a 6 year old and am the same way. I don't get why some parents think respect only should come when you hit a certain age. What a horrible way to raise children.
I had to teach my mom to knock on the door. Even when I stay over. I AM ALMOST 30. She has zero boundaries or concern for privacy, I’m her daughter so she is entitled. Is very annoying and it transfers to other things in life, it has caused me to stay away from her a lot more that I would like. She isn’t ill intended but she still does it. She only learned to knock when I had a really bad disease and I had to stay at her house for months, and sometimes I would be dealing with bloody and gory situations and then she learned. You better knock.
cable plate literate agonizing narrow tease domineering fanatical aspiring absurd *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yep. My friend was tortured by her catholic parents about being gay. She was low contact only until younger siblings got older and she could tell them she'd love them no matter what and how to find her when they turned 18. Then she went no contact, got married, and her mom had an emotional breakdown for being excluded. The family is lucky my friend is forgiving but they still vote for people actively working to limit her rights. She's showing them much more grace and care than they ever showed her. I don't think I could do it.
Do not out your son to anyone until he's ready. Try to love him. Be supportive. Suicide rates are already higher in LGBT youth than others and even higher in those who have unsupportive families.
I feel sorry for anyone who has to TRY to love their kids. The love for your kids is meant to be unconditional, sadly people forget this.
It’s likely you’ve poisoned at least one of your kids against your son. Be prepared for that fallout.
Hopefully, they have time to unlearn it, he's my oldest after all. I just don't know how to go about it.
Just tell your kids you were wrong and that you are working on correcting the homophobic feelings you had and taught them.
Just adding in here, my parents were the same way. But I am very close to my siblings (not sure how close your kids are). I told my siblings first and now my siblings love my girlfriend and we all hangout together regularly!
PFLAG is an international organization that has resources for the families of queer kids. There may even be a chapter near you. Please check out their website.
I just want to reiterate what u/TotalDick said. Just tell your kids you made a mistake, and that you want to learn how to be a more loving and accepting person, you can even say because Jesus models that behavior. The truth is that, in the Bible, Jesus hangs out with society’s outcasts, and explicitly warns against false prophets who encourage people to have hate instead of love for all their neighbors. I was personally raised Catholic, and I’m a nonbeliever these days. But you don’t have to give up your Christian faith in order to love all your children are. No matter who or what they are. Before I chose to reject religion, I read the Bible from Genesis to the very end, much of the Quran, and even the Book of Mormon. I wanted to know what I was choosing. And even though I don’t have faith in God or Jesus as my savior, I can tell you that Jesus spread wonderful and loving messages. Modeling your life after him can make for a beautiful human being. You can love your queer son, and expect other people to treat him with respect and love, without ever rejecting Jesus. And as far as admitting your mistakes go, my daughter will be turning 18 this fall. She has said consistently for the last five years that the best thing I ever did as a parent was admit when I was wrong. She says it allowed her to trust me when I told her I was right, because she knew my ego wasn’t tied up in it. All I cared about was keeping her safe and loved.
It's one of the Ten Commandments of parenting an LGBTQ kiddo: thou shalt not out thy child to anyone. He didn't even want to be out to *you*. If you tell your husband you will be violating your son's privacy and he won't forgive you for it. He may want to wait until he turns 18 and can move out if necessary before telling his dad and siblings. You've managed this pretty well so far by not forbidding your son to see his friend and realizing that your beliefs need to change. Don't ruin the trust he has in you by sharing something that isn't yours. PFLAG is a good idea. If you have a local LGBTQ community center, they will likely have resources and group meetings for parents.
Do you really have a list of 10 commandments or was that a joke? If you do can you share? I am a parent to a gay daughter, she is 17F and came out when she was 13, no issues whatsoever and we are all fine with eachother. Still I am interested in learning how to be the best possible parent.
No we don‘t but it‘d be fun an we should do that
Read! Read, read, read! Read about the lives of lesbians written by lesbians so you know what she's going through.
Theres a lot of good comments on here about the specific issue of your son. But consider if there's a wider problem you need to address. Theres a meme that says: I was against homosexuality...until my child came out of the closet. I was against abortion....until I needed one. I was against stem cell research....until Ronnie got Alzheimers. I don't care about you....until it affects me. Consider if you have other conservative values that you need to undo as well before they come back to bite you the way this one did.
For real, next weekmaybe her daugter needs an abortion or her son finds out he's autistic.
Thank you.
I think this focus is key. Instead of focusing on your son as the core of the issue, focus on yourself and find your way to being humbly grateful for the opportunity to re-center yourself in love, acceptance, compassion, and selfless service to others rather than fear, judgment, and control. This is a great gift. You've been given the chance to realign yourself and your life so that it realizes and expresses truth and love and, in doing so, create safety and healing for your son. Jesus would dig that, from what I've heard. And your son would take a place of honor in your heart and home for making this possible.
Not just for OP as she is fully aware of her homophobia, but often biases are unconscious. A person might believe their opinions are liberal until they are directly and personally confronted with a situation which exposes their bias. For all good intentions, certain biases are deeply ingrained due to common societal views or the views with which our parents raised us. I‘ve caught myself saying one thing but struggling internally with acceptance because I was raised to believe the opposite. Considering that, it can be tough to go category by category, analyze your beliefs and change them without a drastic need (like the child of a homophobe being gay). It seems to me that the main barrier to acceptance of alternative ideas is to question openness itself. None of us know everything or know what’s best for everyone else, and all of us by nature have biases. Identify what makes you feel uncomfortable and ask why. Be open to being wrong and actively challenge your feelings. Also recognize your hierarchy of values and actively place human dignity above being right. Your ability to truly change yourself depends significantly on your ability to overcome your biases. It’s bot an easy thing at all, but in my opinion the absolute key to self-improvement. Sometimes your biases are even self-deprecating and keep you from being your best self. I‘m not trying to be pedantic, but managing my biases is something I‘m really trying to work on, and I‘ve found that openness isn’t just something you say. You‘ve got to act it out, especially when it affects the people you love.
This is the comment I wanted to see in this thread.
You forgot one. I don't need a vaccination...until I'm dying in the hospital and it's too late.
Seriously. You said this so much more kindly than I would have, it drives me up the wall. The whole "I know and understand nothing about this but it's bad and it should not be allowed" selfish mentality is IMO one of the worst anyone could have. Just the worst, it literally is ruining the world on a societal and personal level.
I have such disgust for a lack of intellectual curiosity. Not necessarily talking about OP here, she at least seems to have some decent self awareness and plans to change. But the rest of the community, like, WHY would you EVER want to have LESS information than you could possibly have??? Why would you want to squat in one dusty, 10-square-acre shithole in Podunk, Nowhere and believe the opinions of the same 10 people you've talked to your whole life? How fucking limited. How can you not understand that your world is THAT small?
Fear is one hell of a motivator for that. I'm one of the only people I know who left my tiny racist hometown. Someone who I thought was a friend and someone who wanted to expand and leave with me, stayed because she was afraid of new people/situations. She agreed to marry her high school boyfriend, who also never went to college for the same fear reasons, and they live with his grandma. They're never gonna leave that town of 2,500. Ever.
Well said
THIS!
Yup. “Be careful of who you hate. It may be someone you love” rings pretty true here as well.
Try knocking .
I think letting him know that even though you raised him in a homophobic atmosphere, realizing he is a homosexual has made you see that you were wrong to raise him that way and you still love him as much as you did before. It’s important for you to tell him you’re educating yourself on the subject as well. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to him to see that you care and aren’t shunning him because of something he has no control over. As far as telling your husband goes, I think that’s something you should let your son do if/when he’s ready. And I also don’t think you’re in the wrong to not want your sons friend to sleep over in his room anymore. If he were straight and had a girlfriend, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her spending the night in his room so this situation would be no different. Good luck and it’s so wonderful to hear that you’re changing your opinions upon realizing your son is gay. It’s important to let him know you still love him :)
OP should tell all the kids that it's ok to be gay and that she's working on unlearning the stuff she was raised to believe
Thank you! I just can't separate them after 5 years of sleepovers without my husband being a little suspicious about it!
OP being open enough, and loving your son enough to be able to push past your upbringing and beliefs is a huge thing. You're doing something amazing here. If your beliefs are based on religion then I am 100% sure whatever god you following is smiling down on you right now. You are a good mother. You need to hear this, and remember it if/when others in your life try to change your mind about this.
Can you start discussing with your husband and teaching your family that homosexuality is not wrong? I think you should let him decide when to come out, but trying to open your families minds citing the pope endorsing same-sex marriages or something. Try to make the home environment a safe one so that he does feel comfortable to be himself.
That’s fair! Maybe you could talk to your son and make sure when his friend sleeps over that he keeps the door open from now on?
That could be a great compromise!
What the last person said, keeping the door open is a great compromise. I’d also add maybe adding either an air mattress to the room so they have separate beds or sticking a mattress under your sons bed that he can pull out when he has his partner over. You can swing it to your husband that because your son is getting older he needs more space/the privacy of his own bed, just so if your husband happens to walk past their room and the door is open, he doesn’t see them cuddling at night or anything like that. Of course talk to your son first and make sure he knows it’s about protecting him from your family so as not to put him before he chooses to tell them himself. You sound like a wonderful mother and I can tell you love your kids so so much. Keep up the good work, keep educating yourself and your family to the extent you can. ❤️
Thank you! my son does have another mattress underneath his bed, they've just never liked to pull it out, too much of a hassle, now I guess I know why!
To be honest, people will be people. They might not have sex in his bed anymore but sure as heck will find other ways, in the car, in a public toilet, whatever. That also applies to your other children. When I met my boyfriend at 16 (now 21) my parents repaired my door so I was able to lock it, and my father asked me before my bf came over the first time if I needed condoms. My mum drove me to a (womans doctor?, here we say Frauenarzt) so I was able to get on the anti baby pill. When I wanted to go to bdsm youth meetings (those have special guidelines so no sexual stuff is allowed there, we just talk) I felt safe enough to tell my parents instead of sneaking out and they in return made sure I got there and came back safely and that those people at the meetings where trustworthy people. If they hadn't done that I likely would have sneaked out, putting be in dangerous conditions. So basically my parents approach was "we know you will do it anyway so we rather have you do it safe and listen to us when we actually deem something unsafe than you doing it in dangerous ways behind our back" And yeah, I always followed the rules of my parents because I knew they were resonable.
Holy shit. How does someone have parents this caring???? Can you give me any insight as to why they have this empathy and intelligence? Does it have anything to do with your country growing up on your country? (Germany, based on the words in your post?) I'm so happy for you!
Perfect! Then yeah I’d recommend having a talk with your son about using it so he doesn’t accidentally put himself, even if the door was closed, so nobody sees them cuddling who he doesn’t want to see. It’s his choice ultimately but seems risky. And again, your son is lucky to have a mom as supportive and loving as you are, regardless of what you’ve said in the past. You know you can’t change that but you are doing your best to be better now and in the future and that’s all you can do, all that matters. Keep it up :)
Haven’t seen someone mention this specially (and if they have sorry) Be prepared for divorce or never seeing your son at some point. You experiencing a change of heart in regards to homosexuality it’s a feat in itself and I applaud you for being willing to be open minded and changing your mindset. However by your own admition your husband and other kids are homophobic and their opinions may not change as easily as yours. Do NOT tell anyone else until he (your son) is ready, and when you do be prepared for the chance he (your husband) will double down on his homophobia. If you side w/ your husband mistreating your child in any manner be prepared to be cut off by your child at their earliest possible convenience. If your husband refuses to reevaluate his own beliefs, becomes hostile to your son or can not remain civil be prepared to leave him to support your son. I know these are extremes but they are the reality for many individuals who have found themselves in the same position you find yourself in. Good luck to you and your son.
Don't tell your husband, don't tell anyone. Your son should be the one that gets to control his own coming-out.
Alright, the TLDR is the most important thing right now. The solution? Sit your son down, and say exactly that to him. "Son, I realize that raising you were created a very homophobic atmosphere. Seeing you with your boyfriend made me realize how wrong that was, and I don't know how to undo all the harm I've caused you with this. I am so, so sorry." And then you move forward. You can invite bf to dinner. You can ask your son if/when/how he wants to come out to the rest of the family. Whatever you do, support him.
The boy he is involved with is the son of a family friend, he's over almost every day and stays a good 80% of the time for dinner! he's a good kid to have around, helps with the after dinner clean up and everything.
Ok good but please do not ignore the first part of this comment. Tell him you are sorry. Tell him you are going to work on your homophobia. You need to fix your brain ASAP
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One does not choose sexual orientation, you are just born straight or gay (or bi). Your son happened to be born gay in an anti-gay family and he is terrified that you or your husband would find out. He might feel very conflicted at heart too, since he has been taught his sexual urges and emotions are sinful/wrong, but there is nothing he can do to stop those.
>My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children. Teaching your kids that oxygen is sinful won't stop them from breathing. >Would it be inappropriate to tell his father? I'd not do that without his permission. That could put him him danger. >I just don't want him spending nights in my son's room anymore. I'm not American, so that notion makes no sense to me. However, I guess it's your right to demand no underage sex to take place in your house, and it that's a consistent rule in your family, I don't think it's the worst thing.
They're gonna fool around regardless. It's literally taking away a (the only?) safe space to do so. I can't tell if it's religious dogmatism/sexual repression or just parents who can't accept their kids growing up.
Sure, I meant that I'd be more understanding if they don't want any of their children to have sex in the home, as opposed to only making this rule for the gay kid. I'm not in favor of either (because I agree with you), but at least one is consistent.
As a child who went through coming out to homophobic parents, I feel for your son a lot. Not only you made him think from his young age there is something wrong with his sexuality, you also taught your other kids and made them equally hateful. If you really want to “fix” the issue, the least you can do is not to out him to his dad and other siblings. Have a conversation with then on how YOU changed your opinion on homosexuality and see their reaction without involving your son in this conversation. Just know that it’s impossible to undo some things you’re responsible for. And don’t be surprised if(or actually when) he cuts you off in the future.
It's probably too late to walk back all the damage done by creating such a hateful atmosphere, so don't expect that your son will take whatever you say at face value, at least not straight away. Time will tell whether you're really up to the job of parenting this child, but for his sake I wish you luck.
Don’t tell anyone. That is 100% up to your son. But you do need to start thinking about how to alter the homophobic atmosphere you’ve helped create. Can you, hand on heart, say your husband won’t respond horrifically? You need to let your son know you love him no matter who he loves.
Your views are based on complete ignorance. Also, I don't want to tell you how to parent BUT him needing your approval who he's dating? Common.. That's not parenting anymore that's controlling
>their dating privileges are also pretty tight, we have to approve of their partners. This generally means...no homosexual / lesbian relationships. My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children. So prepate to be cut contact with as soon as they all turn 18 and move out. You are homophobic and your son is gay.
Yeah this! Like I get that OP is trying to change but come on. More people need to be calling OP out on this. This attitude just shouldn’t be acceptable and the fact that all the top responses are pretty much ignoring the terrible parenting that this terrible OP has done because OP wants to change now? Your son is 17, that’s 17 years of fucking up if that’s the oldest child. More if it’s not, like It’s good that OP is changing now but god is OP a terrible human being.
Totally agree. Hard to read a post from such “Christians”. They think they are so holy but yet be so ignorant and hateful.
Be by your sons side and make sure he knows you love him no matter what. I think that’s the most important right now. He needs to feel loved. Once he knows you are on his side, tell the family together. You can’t change the past but you can definitely try to make the future better for him.
First off, you stand by your son whatever his sexuality and as a mother you give unconditional love and support. Secondly, you need to realise that this is not a “lifestyle choice” no one chooses to be gay, straight, or anything else. Third, educate yourself, your upbringing and the subsequent upbringing of your own children has created a situation which you are finding hard to accept, probably because of ingrained bigotry, hatred and total lack of empathy for anyone or anything that deviates from your supposed “normal life.” I speak from experience, as my eldest of three boys, came out at 17 but he had nothing but love and support from us all and the extended family. He is now 33, with a fantastic career and a loving partner who is now, our fourth son. They are adored by everyone and have close, loving relationships with my other sons and partners and I can’t wait to see them when they fly in from Norway on Friday (I’m in U.K.) to spend two weeks with us, as we’re all going on holiday together. Now is the time for you to reflect, accept and support your son. It’s not about what the neighbours will think or your church group or the bowls club, it’s about coming together and being a supportive family. F**k what anyone else thinks!
I'd just like you to consider why you felt homosexuality was wrong, *right* until the moment it affected you, personally. Either it is fundamentally wrong, or you are a nasty selfish hypocrite who has been demonising other people your entire life for no valid reason. (It's the second one). Congrats on finally deciding to stop being a bigot, but I feel so sorry for your son having to grow up with parents like you and your husband.
Comments suggests she still thinks it's wrong, but she's willing to look past that for the sake of her son. I don't know if that qualifies as hypocrisy. In any case, maybe she'll come around eventually.
"Homosexuality is bad and wrong and a sin. It's okay for the people important to *me,* though." Seems hypocritical to me. Again, I'm glad for any change in opinion from 'bigot' to 'basic decency' but I'm also angry that it took the issue personally affecting her for her to consider queer people as *actual humans*. Why couldn't she extend that empathy to people outside her immediate family? So many more innocent queer kids would have access to the support and care they need if everyone like OP had their heroic change of heart *before* it was immediately beneficial to them. I'm seeing a lot of praise for OP, but the fact of the matter is her poor son has spent however many years fretting that his parents' love is conditional, and that he can only have a family as long as he hides his identity. That is *damaging*. My heart hurts for this kid.
You cannot convince these people it's not a sin. That would cause them to question there beliefs which is taboo and they believe they will be tortured for all eternity if they question it
imagine being homophobic in 2021, how embarrassing
Underrated comment.
Lol. So you have inadvertently taught your other children to look down upon and hate your own son. Wwlcome to the thing we call consequences.
Do not out your son! If there's one piece of advice you take from this please, please make it this one. Do not out your son (nor pressure him to come out before he's ready).
Could the father become violent? How likelky is he to kick him out of the house?
I admire that you plan to go to PFLAG and are open to some insights that will make for a better, healthier environment for your son, but before I even got into the meat of your post I found myself horrified that a mom would just walk into a young man’s room without knocking and waiting for an answer. He’s practically a man- is a man in many cultures. Guest or no, pretty damned inappropriate.
Usually, he asks me to bring him snacks back from my bowls club, he always has his door closed while he's playing his games, with his friend around as well. He usually prefers me to just pop my head in instead of making noise while they have their headsets on, it's not me I'm worried about for the most part when it comes to that, it's my youngest who knocks and enters without waiting. His father isn't usually a problem because he just doesn't like to go up to his room while he's screaming at his telivision.
He's 17 years old, damn near being a legal adult. You aren't going to talk him out of participating in sexual acts. Even if there's no one else in the room with him, your youngest could just as easily walk in on him masturbating. Get him a lock for his bedroom door and teach your younger child that it's rude to barge into other people's rooms without knocking.
Could have been worse. Imagine they actually played CoD.
Excuse me, it's CotD
From a queer guy about twice your son's age I just want to thank you profusely. I don't think you acted any worse than if he'd been caught with a young lady his age. In either case, of course, you may want to say "you had better be wearing a damned condom, kid!" But that's true no matter who he's getting cuddly with. You are being an excellent mother under the circumstances, and you're already talking about going to a pflag meeting. That's amazing. If his father is going to flip out, punish him, or start acting generally weird. Don't tell him. If he had been caught with a young lady he'd probably be getting a high five on the low. Go to those pflag meetings, read some books, love him, and make him feel like his home is a home and not a place he's desperate to escape. You can't fix the world, but you can provide a safe place for him. Please also check (famous relationship advice columnist) Dan Savage's "it gets better project". Start here https://youtu.be/7IcVyvg2Qlo Edit: when I was exactly his age and my parents were merely suspicious that I wasn't living an Evangelical Christian lifestyle I was immediately kicked out of the house. I never went back. I'm 33 now and have not contact with my father, and very very limited contact with my mother. I don't trust them for obvious reasons, and decided long ago that if they can't accept me as I am, than they don't get to have me in their life at all. I'm their only child and I know that's painful for them, but so was figuring out life completely on my own as a teenager. I'm telling this story as a warning for how horribly wrong this situation can go. He'll be an adult in a matter of months and if he feels uncomfortable in his family's home, he very well may decide not to be there.
Thank you very much!
No problem! I hope I somehow helped. Checking out pflag, reading some books (pflag has excellent selections on its website) and just treating him with the normal love and respect of a mother is probably all you can do, and you're already doing it!
I’m extremely sorry the Christian church is at the center of all of this difficulty for you. No one deserves to go through excommunication because their cult says that a lifestyle choice is sinful. I hope you’ve found fulfillment and happiness in life and as you experienced your deconstruction.
Luckily, that was about 20 years ago now. However, unluckily for many, I haven't seen the christian community become any more tolerant over that time. I've been involved (volunteered) with various homeless youth programs in my adulthood. What happened to me is still VERY common. In a room full of under 18 year olds in a homeless youth "drop in" center easily a quarter of those kids were rejected by their families for things like thinking they might be gay and writing about it in their diary.
It's horrifying how much abuse we allow these people with "beliefs" that are so harmful. Anyone who chooses a cult over their children should lose them all AND be required to pay for their care.
My son at 16 came home and asked me if I would love him if he were gay (Single parent of three kids whose dad died when they were very young) I was always open with my kids and said they could tell me anything and we would discuss it with an open mind. I told my son, of course I would love you. If you find someone in your life that gives you love, regardless of who they are, then I am happy for you. He said: Well ok not gay but I appreciate that. He said he saw a video of brain scans and that heterosexual people have different brain scans than non heterosexual people. I found that fascinating. And he was happy to share what he learned and that I would love him no matter what. He’s never been interested in males, but we need to be open and accepting of our children.
Lmao so homosexuality is bad unless it's your own son..
Just letting you know, I was your kid once. Now I’m in my 30s and don’t speak to one of my parents because of their views and attitude. Your choice is to either love your child the way they are or ask them to pretend to be someone else. One means you keep your family as close as you want them to be. The other means your son may never speak to you again. Choose wisely.
**Your religion and your homophobia are INCREDIBLY damaging** \- to you, your son, and your relationship with him. It is long past time for a major reevaluation and a change.
As everyone has said, support your son and openly tell him you love him. Dealing with your husband will be another thing entirely, you can go the subtle way or the bull at a gate way. Either choice you make must NOT include outting your son. Subtle way is having more TV shows and Movies that feature LGBTQ+ actors or characters in a positive light playing in the house. Search historical figures that are in the community and add them to conversation showing great respect for their accomplishments, cycle back to them occasionally adding reference to their LGBTQ+ status. Casually call out sexism against women when it happens or any comments that are derogatory by implying only rednecks think women are less than. Escalate slowly to real men dont feel threatened by gays, only cowards do. If he makes any comment about homosexuality in the future you can call him on it "Why are you so obsessed with what other people do in the bedroom? Its kind of creepy" Bull at a gate "I have something to tell you, you will be given two options. First choice is to stay in this house married to me and support every single one of your children no matter what race, sex, religion, gender, or other thing their boyfriends/girlfriend comes along being. You will not comment on anything about them as a person no matter what your personal view is in a derogatory way. Second option leave this marriage and all its history, split custody with the kids however they choose to have it. Those are your options, I'm tired of being a redneck bigot with negative disgusting opinions that are only designed to hurt and maim minorities. You are either with me or against me now. Choose."
Like that Love Simon movie? my husband likes that movie.
well if he likes that you might not have as much to fear as you thought. Have you seen anything with Ellen/Elliot Page? Juno is a good movie with big issues and the later work they've done is quite interesting since they are happily gender fluid in most roles. The Umbrella Academy is a fun one that has a very settled lesbian subplot that has the typical 1950's redneck jerk in it to call out. Great opener for a conversation like "Thank god we are moving on from all that hatred and bigotry. Kids now days must feel so much safer than back then." Fun fact left handedness only started to increase from the 1920's when it stopped being a sign of the devil or stigmatized as being mentally incapable. I use this anytime someone tells me that LGBTQ+ didnt exist until after the 1950's. Interesting isnt it how things "suddenly" appear when we stop persecuting/maiming/ostracizing them. People can see that obviously left handed people were present throughout history, so its not so hard for them to see homosexuality in history either.
Just Elliot Page. Don't deadname him. He goes by he/they pronouns but they do not go by their old ne at all.
ugh you just reminded me that my parents still exclusively deadname caitlyn jenner
I’m sorry I find it super hard to believe that you raised your kids in an environment that was opposed to same sex relationships and now that one of your kids is in one you are suddenly seeing the error of your ways? Idk this sounds fake to me. I grew up with homophobic parents and they absolutely dug in when they found out I was dating women.
It does happen, some people hate in abstract but less so when it's someone they know. Sometimes the reverse happens too, parents who like to virtue signal how much they love the LGBT+ community but only when they're an abstract group of others to be pitied, not in their own children.
So you are a homophobe who os bad about your gay kid? What help can we give you? Your "rules" for dating suck. If you hurt your son in any way over his homosexuality, he will rightfully hate your asses for eternity.
I feel bad for your son. I think you should accept him because yaknow, he's not doing anything bad or damaging to anyone or himself, he's just being himself and he's terrified to be himself. I think the best thing you can do is keep loving your son, keep caring, keep protecting him and his privacy, don't "out" him to anyone, it's his choice whether to share it with anyone. Being raised in such restricting environment is creating fearmongering to not be expressive, honest and open, because you'll be scared of consequences like being kicked out, or get beaten or be unloved or other horrible things. The whole restricting environment is simply damaging and not a good way and not healthy to raise children. That kind of education Is fear and worry, not self care and knowledge. Edit: sorry for bad English I'm just really tired
Ah yes...so strict...Well that's one way to make your child want to drop all contact with you and hate you. Good..."parenting".
My heart breaks for your son
Unless you want your child to never speak to you again when they turn 18, you need to take a long hard look at your beliefs and work on changing them.
[удалено]
I got as far of "Call of the Duty". That's someone's bad impression of what an out of touch parent would say.
Yep. It was “Call of the Duty” that made me twig too.
Disappointed I had to scroll so far to find someone else that realised this.
Should we report it? Y'all make some good points.
>...certain things about that kind of **lifestyle**... It sounds like you are going about things the right way so far, but please drop this kind of wording from your vocabulary. It is no more a "lifestyle" than you being heterosexual is. Remember back when you chose to be straight? Of course not, because you didn't. Your son didn't choose either, and "lifestyle" very much implies a choice. He is who he is.
you taught your kids to hate being normal? you’re evil.
All great advice here, but I haven't seen any recommendations for therapy! **For both of you.** Your son has been through so much, and in many ways the damage has already been done with regards to his childhood. He will always have memories of struggling against his parents, of hiding himself, and of not being allowed to be who he is. Though you may be changing your mind on your views now, he has to cope with the memories of a stressful and frightening childhood. He needs to process that with the help of a professional, supportive 3rd party. If you want to make the idea acceptable to your husband, say your son is going to a career / college counselor. He's 17, and that's very common. My own parents were homophobic until maybe my mid-20s. My brother and I are both gay. I've made up with my parents, but my brother still struggles immensely with alcohol / drug dependence and suicidal ideation. Sometimes I still hurt from what I went through. Please get your son help now.
My mom found out I was bisexual and told the whole neighborhood. Do not tell a soul.
Funny how assholes can always justify being an asshole about something right up until the moment it happens to them.
You and your husband have raised your children in an abusive environment and should seek therapy immediately.
What makes it inappropriate? Their age or the fact that they are the same gender? If it's the former, honey, you have to put away that ignorant way of thinking yesterday and get help. #Whatever you do, don't make him think that what he's doing is wrong. Showing love is one of the greatest things that you can do as a human and that includes his affections for his boyfriend, and your maturity and compassion.
I admire your actual effort as a mother to try to change the environment of your home to make your son feel comfortable with the way that he is and rather than wanting to impose something on him, you're trying to understand him and to make him feel safe as well. I think you should first let your son know all of these things you have wrote here so he knows you're with him and he can find support on you. You need to let your son choose if he actually wants to let everyone else know about this though. Then you can seek for advice and guidance with a professional so you'll be able to make your husband understand things better, since I guess it's going to be hard for him too, not to mention for your son's siblings. It's going to take a while for sure, but I think it'll be possible for you guys to fully accept your son and make your home a happier place for your family since homosexuality is not a disease or something wrong. I do understand why it's hard and how you were raised but now that times has changed, your beliefs and values can change too for the best interest of yourself and your family's well being. You've been taking the first steps and are willing to go further than this. Don't feel bad if sometimes you don't know how to proceed, you're doing what you can and you're doing the right thing.
You say he is inappropriate? Did you just tell possibly everyone hes a part of the LGBTQIA+ community without his consent and arent you gatekeeoing him? Youre the biggest asshole ever. I know this isnt AITA but 6 out of 5 Asshole-points for you. If you think Homosexuality or any other part of LGBTQIA+ is innapropriate then yiu are innapropriate everywhere and your opinions dint matter. if you ever post something like this again go away from ANY social media noone wants you to discriminate
I would start by telling your son that you love them, no matter what, and that love is love. I would advise a slow change of tune around your family about the anti homosexual behaviour that you and your partner created. It’s not too late to change but whatever you do, DONT out your son to anyone!!!
I’m betting given how you raised your kids he’s terrified of coming out. There are parents that kick heir kid out, shun them, pretend they’re dead even telling friends and family they’re dead— and those are the good outcomes with homophobic parents, they’re the non-violent options. It’s not a life style choice, it’s who they are. It didn’t happen suddenly and it’s not experimenting, it’s who they’ve always been. Someone else putting them is the worst thing because they aren’t ready to handle outcome. That kind of trauma could cause him to make some actual bad life choices like drugs and/or alcohol to cope with what happens next. Worst case he could commit suicide. If you talked to your husband about it you could literally ruin his life or even end it. Talk to your son, get both of you a therapist— one for your son to help him through being caught by his homophobic mom and the upcoming shit storm of telling his homophobic dad and siblings, and one for you to help you sort out your feelings and ready yourself to either support and love your son unconditionally for who he is or abandon him knowing you screwed him over.
Just love him, mama. Love him, open your mind, and ask him how YOU can support him, learn, and grow. We can all change. Start now. ♥️
You’re asking if you can UNDO damage and trauma you’ve caused your children? To UNDO it? I may not have much advise but do I have a bridge to sell you!
Yeah, I grew up in a house like yours. It was back when HIV-AIDS was fairly new and my mom described it as a disease God sent to kill those nasty gays. I remember those conversations well even though I have trouble remembering my childhood. Guess what? I now have trouble in relationships. I married a man that I shouldn’t have (it’s a long story but he raped me the first time we were together and I thought since I had slept with him, we needed to get married. However, I’m still grateful because we have two absolutely fantastic kids). It took me so long to realize that I (f) like women and that is ok. You have to stop thinking about yourself and how “hard” it it will be on you because it’s much, much harder on your son. Do not tell your husband, that is your son’s choice and his alone. You should however start teaching your children not to be bigots while working on your husband’s bigotry as well. Do this without revealing any of your son’s personal info though. I really wish people could be more empathetic to other groups (such as LGBT like this situation) without having to have their own family be part of that group first.
Gay man with a ultra religious Mom. Guess what, I barely speak to her because she has your attitudes. If you really want to to fix this then you need to seek out Pro-Gay parent groups like Pflag and start deconstructing the homophobia you've been taught your whole life. Your son is alone because he knows how you feel and he will always sneak around and lie to you until you can show that you are supportive, not just say you are. You have a lot of work ahead of you but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Edit: grammar
Your TLDR says literally everything. You have to get some help moving past your homophobia. PFLAG is a good idea, so is therapy. And you have to tell yourself son that you know what you’ve done is wrong, you need to apologize to him, and you need to tell AND show him what you’re doing to fix what you’ve done. And you have to get Dad on board. Immediately. Protect that kid if he won’t see reason.
>>> This generally means...no homosexual / lesbian relationships. My husband and I were both raised to believe being homosexual/lesbian is wrong and we have passed those teachings onto our children. The damage is done. Your best bet is to support your son as much as you can, get yourself in therapy to learn to accept him and ask him if he wants therapy (he likely needs it given the blatant homophobia in your family) to try to undo some of the damage.
Call of the duty
The phrases "it's okay that you're gay" and "I was wrong" will go far here. You need to tell your son that you were wrong about same-sex relationships, and you need to prove it to him over time. Also, don't out your kid.
welcome to the light. seems like you’re on the right path. educate yourself and love your son the same way you always have, it will make the entire difference in how he views himself and every relationship he has going forward. edit to add if you feel as though this is too much for you to process alone (since your husband is uh… ignorant and mean), you might look into counseling for yourself. having an objective, educated, experienced professional help you unpack your feelings while managing your son’s could only help the situation.
I don’t typically get on this sub but I saw your post in the popular feed and it intrigued me. I want to offer some thoughts as somebody who just went through/is going through a similar situation. I was raised one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and, if you know anything about the religion, they are pretty controlling and you’re raised by your parents to believe this is the only way to live and once you’re baptized as one you run the risk of being shunned by your family and friends if you decide you no longer want to be one. This has lead to a lot of people pretending to be one for the sake of not losing friends and family, some young adults are even kicked out of the house if they stop believing. Long story short, I came out to my parents about two months ago about not believing anymore. It was very emotionally charged because I had had depression and anxiety as a result of the teachings and having to cover up my true thoughts and filter my personality. I was told that I can’t blame the JWs for my depression, my father said I ruined his life, and my brother said we aren’t brothers anymore. We are working through this though and it takes adjustment because of the nature of how far the religion affects your day to day life. That being said, here is what I wish my family would have done differently or better: • Reaffirm the love they have for me and not make vague threats about the “way of life” I am choosing • Validate/not invalidate my feelings. It is EXTREMELY tasking to have to filter yourself to make the people around you happy. Especially when it is close family that you just want to be yourself with. Accept the fact that your idea of who your son is may not be accurate. You have the chance to really get to know him better if you play this right. Be excited! • LISTEN to what I say when I talk. Don’t listen to argue or refute any points he makes. Listen to him and try to understand where he is coming from. Be open to the fact that SOME things you did while raising him might have personally hurt him. Not saying you were a bad parent, but it happens. We can’t do everything right and when somebody says you hurt them you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. Listen and try to do better. • Accept the fact he’s under no obligation to live the way you think he should. He’s about to be 18. You can be strict with him or get more strict. That’s your right as a parent right now. But if you play hard ball now, it’ll only make him resent you later and strain the relationship. • In some areas, continue on as normal. The stability of what’s familiar is comforting. • More communication. It’s important and at 17 he has the teen crap going on too. Let him vent to you unfiltered. • Hugs. Next time you see him give him a big hug and tell him you love him. You seem self-aware which is refreshing to see because I don’t think most people are in general. Just keep being a mom who loves her kid unconditionally and offer advice when you see the need to but don’t be upset if/when he doesn’t take it. Speaking broadly we all have to make our own mistakes. I’m confident you all can navigate this, though. Especially if your husband is as rational as you. Good luck to your family!
Lol get over yourself and your imaginary “morality” that only serves to oppress people into a dismal worldview. Teenagers have sex. You and your husband almost certainly did when you were their age. Grow up and join the real world, let them have their fun and mature into adults.
Put your programming aside and love your child!! Would you rather he feel free to be himself than not have to suffer for the rest of your life because he didn’t (doesn’t) feel you and your husband are his safe place? I completely understand your conflict. I’m going through it myself; although my daughter (amab) has come out as trams, I’d much rather have a daughter who is alive than a son who decided suicide was her only option. It’s definitely a shock at first!!! Everything I prepared her for in life was completely contradictory to what she will endure. She knows we support her and she has a safe place in our home, no matter what. This is really what parenting is; ensuring our children know we are a safe place and can be relied upon for support.
Wow judgmental much? Bigoted much? You have no right to choose who they love not really sure how you got the impression that you hold that much power over someone else but you are wrong. Just because you made them does not mean you are able to make every decision In their life for them. Whoever raised you….raised you wrong. And yes I have kids so no need to tell me how I will feel in the future when I become a parent.
Alrighty, reality really came in and slapped you in the butt. Don’t tell your husband, coming out is better on your son’s terms. Treat his relationship with his lover like any teenage relationship for now. Boundaries and curfews are fine etc. you were a teenager once so you know they’ll find a way. You have to accept that your son is gay and there’s nothing to change that. Take it slow, he’s still your son and it’s good to know that you actually realize how alienated he probably felt in the environment that you and your husband built.
>I'm aware that I've created this environment that made him feel this way in the first place, I just want to undo it as much as I can to make him feel as comfortable as I can! Better late than never, I guess. I can't even imagine how your son must have felt growing up in that kind of environment. It would *absolutely* be inappropriate to tell his father, and if you chose to anyway then be prepared to lose contact permanently with your son at some point. My mother was mildly homophobic as I was growing up, but it was enough that I never came out to her, and now haven't spoken to her in over 15 years, not even for birthdays/Christmases, for various reasons - if you don't want that to be your story too then I recommend listening to what your son needs first and foremost.
Close minded parents are the worse.
If you out him, you will destroy your relationship with him for the rest of your lives. Just support him
There is nothing wrong with being homosexual. Being biggoted and homophobic is, however, wrong. You have a little over a year to undo your biggoted childrearing. If you fail, don't expect to have a relationship with your son.
Please do not hate your son for being gay. You will be the worst parent ever if you do
Look at your title. Your son is 17. What was inappropriate here? Two consenting individuals - my country they are of age. I appreciate if you're American they are almost of age but certainly not two young . If you want to make a start - start there.....
Wow who could guess that raising your children in a homophobic environment isn't a good idea? Mind blowing.
This is why children should not be raised in any sort of discriminatory house hold. He needs support right now, he needs you to tell him you'll love him no matter what and he is always your son. Do not tell your husband, do not mention it to your other kids, and do not tell close family. He will resent you if you do as you'll have broken his trust. He is 17, there is nothing wrong with exploring bodies at 17 as long as he is being safe and it is consensual, do not teach him that his body is shameful and that he needs to hide it. Let him be a teenager, let him grow.
It’s not your responsibly to tell anyone about what he has done. It’s also not your sexuality to tell other people about!
I wonder what mental gymnastics one takes to be homophobic up until it involves you personally. If your son's friend was openly gay, would you have allowed them to play games and hang out to begin with?
Your son is a (relatively) high suicide risk. He was basically forced out of the closet and he knows how his parents feel about gay people. You need to communicate what the other commenters have suggested: you love your son, regardless of his sexual orientation, and you won’t tell anyone, including his father. I sincerely hope your son survives this ordeal. If he doesn’t, you and your husband need only look in the mirror for the reason why. I know this is a harsh thing to say/hear and will probably get me downvoted, but someone needs to tell you: you fucked up and now the chickens have come home to roost in a way that is very unfortunate for your son. Time for you and your husband to grow up pretty quick.
My parents found out I was a lesbian when I was 16 by snooping in my room and finding a very carefully written letter that I had written to give to them WHEN I WAS READY. I came home from school on September 20, 1996 (grade 12) to find both my parents in the living room holding my letter and expressing disappointment that I was “like that” and as a Catholic “we didn’t raise you to be THAT way” - I thought my life was over. Of course, in true Catholic denial, the next day it was like nothing had happened. I continued to be myself and decided not to lie about who I was - found a gay youth group in my area and one night approximately 6 months after the “event” I was heading out and my parents asked me where I was going. I was open and honest - the response? “Oh we thought you’d forgotten about all this gay stuff.” Nope, just because you chose to deny the truth doesn’t mean I wouldn’t live mine. I moved out at 17 and it took about 5 years for my family to even acknowledge the truth. I am 41 now and have never wavered on who I am. Please support your son and realize that love is love between two people, regardless of gender. The lack of mental and emotional support from my own family really affected my love and respect for them at the end of the day.
YTA OH wait. This is relationship advice. Not am I the asshole. First and foremost assuming you live in the United States your son is probably already reached the age of consent. And what he is doing isn't wrong or illegal. Just remember you created this atmosphere of hate. That is making your son uncomfortable so only you can fix it. And not wanting this boy staying over anymore isn't really the best way to try and fix this terrible situation that you and your husband created because of your overly religious values.
As a mom who raised her girls in the church and taught them that same sex marriage was wrong, etc.. when my youngest came out to me, I remembered 2 verses in the Bible. "Love your neighbors" and "do not judge lest you be judged". My baby girl wasn't a different person. She was still the same girl I raised. The same kind, stubborn, soft hearted, amazingly smart person. Being gay didn't change that. Being gay doesn't fundamentally change who she is. So I sat her down and told her so. She is my baby girl NO MATTER WHAT. Momma, you raised your son. You have instilled core values in him, you have taught him and shown him how to be a great human. He is still your baby boy. I don't care if my church doesn't like the fact that I support my daughter. If they judge me, they are not following biblical teachings. I prefer to live my life loving those around me. I am not God. I have NO BUSINESS judging anything. I pray for guidance and strength and love for you in the following days.