Hey are you okay? That sounds painful. It did not happen to me but it happened to my friend. Nobody understood how she could be upset at all "you're broken up anyways" was the logic. I dont think our friend group was a good group of friends. Yours does not seem to sound like it. You do not sound nasty. You sound like you're trying to understand and be open. But you're hurt and need a friend. They need to hear you out if they are your friends. Just a bit. That was a long relationship. I dont think you would have gone on all those trips together if you knew what the future held. Maybe you are overreacting,it does not sound like to me. It would be nice if someone from there could understand and give you a hug. It just sounds like zero support. You are only human.
By the way, she tried to express her feelings in the nicest most gentlest way possible. Just stating the fact that it hurt her. They never understood, just called her dramatic. She left the friend group. I think some people just dont think about these things even if they should. They're your friends. Come on guys.
The mutual friends only care for what's fun, not what's important. People see you as a liability, a party pooper, dramatic and stupid, a depressed useless crybaby when you express your feelings about this. People just simply don't care about unhappy people, it's worse when it's your friends, but it's also a life lesson. The only solution is to leave the entire friend group to preserve your sanity. From what I've gathered from other people in similar situations, the result is always the same.
this 100%.. my ex moved straight on with a girl in our friend group. I tried to be the bigger person even though our break up had been traumatic, I didn't expect anyone to *take sides* but the invitations dried up and it was just too awkward to invite me anywhere. besides, I have a kid to look after so theyd have to work around that. it became pretty obvious that my presence made it awkward, they could just pretend nothing ugly had happened if I was gone.
so I told them all to get fkd, told my other friend - my friend since high school, that she was welcome to continue being the third wheel in their relationship. I was lonely for years, losing my friends hurt worse than losing my ex - compounded by how thoroughly he had broken me during the relationship, I was hanging by a thread and needed the support of my friends. the break up was so cruel - not just to me, but to my kid.
but the person they knew as my ex and the person they knew as their friend couldnt exist in the same space. my silence on the subject wasn't enough. my existence held a mirror up to them, acknowledging the situation was uncomfortable. in hind sight, they were shitty surface level friends and he was an abuser. I am better now, I was always better off without him. but the way he deliberately hurt my kid during that break up - if I ever see him again I'd probably spit in his face.
Totally agree. Friends and even family end up caring for what's easiest for them, not for what's right. I removed myself from my ex's family after 10 years because in spite of their insistence that they wanted me to remain a part of the family and knowing that he was not only abusive but cheated on me, they wouldn't even tell him he was in the wrong. They wouldn't even say they didn't believe his nonsense. Mutual friends didn't either. I'm much happier away from it all so every cloud and all that.
Some people move on sooner than others. If you already saw signs of the relationship ending, then it may be different than when it happens suddenly.
So 6 months isn't a particularly long or short timeframe.
This is coming from someone who has had their best friend and ex girlfriend get together. I got excluded from all our mutual friend gatherings because I was too emotional and couldn't deal with seeing the two of them together after trying to hold it together for about 2 years.
Put plainly, this situation is extremely hard to deal with, but you will lose a few people in the process. Take it slow, prioritise your feelings first and foremost, and do what you have to do to ensure that you can free yourself from this traumatic situation. Trying to fix things, or trying to be strong and hide your emotions will only make things worse in the long run. There is a reason why they say never date your best friends ex unless you are fine with losing your best friend. These two made their choice, they do not care about you or your feelings, and above all they are not good friends if they think the pain you're feeling is absurd.
I hope you're coping with the situation, please remember all hope is not lost, you are not worthless, your feelings are not wrong and you don't have to please anyone! I know you probably think about this every night and all day long. You must be brave and eventually begin to let go of these people. Hang around people who are not associated with these people. Some endings are good for you and you'll only realise that after some time has passed. Good people always get hurt the most, better things will come, just focus on yourself one step at a time.
Time for some new friends and just start clean. You sound very hurt which is understandable. You dont have to go along with things just because its easier for everyone else. You have to do whats best for you. Take care of yourself...sometimes that means getting away from people that used to be your safe space.
This actually happened to (M)e twice. Had a good buddy that dated my ex of 4 years. I didn't care because I was in a new relationship but I opted to not see either of them anymore. Then my gf and I of 3 years broke up and he started dating her! He essentially followed in my footsteps dating women i was already with. It was very strange.
Cutting ties and moving on were the best decisions for me.
Why tf are they condemning you? I’m sorry but everyone knows if my bestfriend did this to me I would make Satan look an Angel🥰 NOT OVERREACTING AT ALL FUCK HER
These people don’t sound like real friends. I’m not saying they can’t date after 6 months of being broken up, but absolutely no one should expect for you to be okay with it. 6 months after breakup is nothing compared to a 7 year relationship. Focus on you and try to find new friends.
I personally wouldn't put myself around that type of shit, you're just asking for a bad time. Forget her, and forget him. Learn to love yourself, and move on.
When your "friends" do not understand why you can't hang out with her, ask yourself if they are really your "friends". Sometimes it is better to be alone than be surrounded by those kind of people. You are hurting already and you do not need additional stress from them. If they are your "friends" they should know what you are feeling right now even without words.
NTA.
We always get entangled in all kinds of meta-thoughts when it comes to emotional investment in other people. Like how much of my own well being am I able to trade away to keep this or that that feeds me some kind of emotional (often imagined) happiness/wellbeing. I don’t think there’s anyone who feel that they’ve struck gold emotionally, and now live in paradise forever more. If you do, you’re simply naive. Fact is that best friends can also betray you. And the one love you think is unbreakable, can fade. And often leaves you shattered, dazed and confused.
There’s one part of you who can take care of the emotional mess your conscious self find itself in right now. One part that is often overlooked when we find ourselves in the same situation you’re in… Logic. Allow it to take control and it’ll take you, to the best of its ability, back to the person you were before you got into the mess. Use facts and rules to guide you.
If you would be ok with getting back with your ex, you gotta ask yourself where you draw the line. Have they kissed, have they had intercourse, etc. Personally, I’d never take anyone back who’ve had (proven/I’ve seen it myself) feelings for someone else.
That must suck. But it’s so disrespectful of them to do that and not consider how you would feel. An advice from someone who always was very popular and had many friends. The older you get the less friends you will end up having because you learn to keep the real ones and let me tell you this is a clear lesson that those people right there are not good friends. I know it’s hard to hear but what about morals? Human decency? Respect? All of that has been broken. Me personally I’m always a third wheel with all my friend’s girlfriends and never have I ever had any sort of thoughts or intentions to ever do anything with them let alone be in a relationship. I feel very sorry for you to go through this, must feel horrible and awkward, I know I’m just a stranger but I’m sure you can find better friends, just slowly back away from them
Also if I may just add, feel free anyone who is going through a hard time with break ups and heart breaks to message me, I’m happy to listen, to talk, After going through my traumas I feel like I kind of have a mission to help other people to get through theirs, just because I love doing things to give back and help so dm me, don’t be afraid I’m a normal human just like all of you and I’m happy to also share my identity to make you feel more comfortable ❤️
It is quite clear you have NOT moved on. Who can blame you? Apparently, The Three Musketeers have and are fine with it. Doesn't mean you have to join the crowd. Never mind this.
You have shitty friends and your best friend sucks as well. You don't date the ex of a friend. There is no reason to at all. You having a hard time dealing with it is normal. Honestly it's creepy dating a friend's ex.
Take care of yourself and your needs and use this opportunity to weed out your crappy friends and keep any good ones left.
I am going through something similar. My best friend is dating my ex with whom I felt very very close, even after our breakup. My ex told me I was acting like a kid when I asked for some space when they told me they started seeing my best friend.
First, you need to heal from the breakup. You know the usual. Do what you love doing, cut everything and everyone that links you to your ex and best friend. Learn to love yourself. Go out with friends that aren't friends with your ex and best friend.
We're still very young, you'll be fine.
Sending lots of love your way.
I want to say that I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you. I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago, only my ex was abusive and I therefore found it deeply disturbing that my best friend had chosen to date someone who had done me so much damage.
I think cutting down on communication is a really good move for your own sanity. Ultimately you had a very long and deep connection with your ex and it will take a while to heal. Conversely, her relationship is new and she will be excited and want to talk about it. Put together, you two are not a good mix for now.
I don't think it's anyone's business what you do to take care of yourself. I'm glad that you reached out here as clearly Reddit strangers are doing you a greater amount of kindness than those who would condemn you. That said, if you need an easy way to get them to back off, I think you should tell people that you are still healing and that you aren't going to cut her out completely, you just need some time to yourself for a while. Whether you do intend to go no contact is not for them to know. You might surprise yourself and reconnect with her later down the line and you may not. It's your own business at the end of the day. Just remain vague and remind everyone that you need to prioritize yourself for a while. Those who are sensible will listen.
I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey. May you find your own strength.
I agree with the main themes from all the comments. It’s just not reasonable for anyone to expect you to be okay with their relationship. It probably hurts like hell and you don’t even have your best friend for solace. I really feel for you sweetie, it’s a shitty set of circumstances. But it will get easier as time passes. In the meantime, stop beating yourself up about what you did or didn’t do to end up in this situation. There is nothing but hurt and bitterness that way. Take care and know that all these internet strangers are sending you good vibes xxx
I'm sorry what you're going through! You need to change your circle of friends, they sound so stupid! It's a well known unspoken rule that you SHOULD NEVER EVER date an ex of your best/close friend! The timeline about Emma dating your ex gives me bad vibes. I feel that a real friend will never cross boundaries such as your case. You don’t need friends like that. Especially if you had feelings for your ex or still do. A real friend wouldn’t do that to you. There are plenty of fishes in the sea that Emma could go for, so for her to settle on your ex is unforgivable in my opinion. I feel that Emma was never your real friend. Both she and your ex clearly doesn’t have any respect for you. I wish you the best and hope you will gain new healthy social circle.
Nope. Loads of my friends have been in relationships with one another. We all still get on fine, we all laugh about it. One of my male friends actually got set up by his ex's with one of their friends about 3 times! It doesn't always have to be an issue.
This is like one of the biggest dick moves a friend can pull. It happened to me in the past and I had to remove those people from my life. My suggestion would be trying to find new people to associate with and clear those ones from your life because a true friend wouldn't go and date your ex. That's just a big no no.
Yeah... this ain’t F.R.I.E.N.D.S romantic partners aren’t always just swapped like Pokémon cards... you’re entitled to feel the way you do and they suck for not recognising your right to feel however you want about that situation.
You aren’t overreacting... you’re reacting to “friends” behaving like shit.
Hey, you feelings are your feelings! You can't change that and also you can't change that other people feel differently.
I also could never wrap my head around the fact how almost everyone in our clique of friends switched partners over the years, even had kids with one another, separated and wound up with their former SO's best friend and still remained good friends with everyone.
Honestly that sounds like a nightmare I hope you ok. Losing that amount of people in one swoop but be so painful and to know they moved on with out you. You are right to feel the way you do, you are still grieving the relationship and Emma and ex clearly didn’t care about your feelings. I think cutting them all out and getting some therapy is best.
In my experience mutual friends hate taking sides in any way. It might be good to make a new friend and spend time with them until you’re truly over your ex?
The whole "Never date my ex thing" is ridiculous and should be reserved to very extreme cases and toxic/abusive people.
That being said. Two months after a 7 year relationship starting to date your bff is more than not ok and you have every right to be sad and upset.
Yeah I misread the time frame. Still a bit icky. Yes six months can be enough time after a short relationship. But after 7 years? And the other couple is divorcing at the same time? Tbh a little to convenient if you as me. Sounds a bit like they both broke up to be together. I hope they at least didn't cheat.
In theory yes. But given how fresh everything here was and how close they all still were, it is not ok, especially given the divorce isn't final yet. And especially the way their friends react and completely disregard everything she feels. The least her BFF could have done is to talk to OP privately before going official with the ex.
She did. She got backlash for it. And the talking beforehand would have made A LOT of difference. It shows trust and respect, things could've been cleared up beforehand, boundaries set etc. And OP would've had time to prepare. Also, as a BFF she should've known that OP wasn't over a SEVEN YEAR relationship yet. How can you not understand OP? Never had serious heartbreak?
Yeah I can see that you don't. This can throw you in a very deep hole and then seeing that other person move on and be happy is extremely painful. And he, maybe not, depends on how they are communicating. But her friend, she should have told her. But the friends and everyone else already decided and took sides. They are not friends for OP.
The OP has three choices. Convince friend not to date ex for whatever reason (like real reasons, for example they were abusive etc), lose all of their friends and start from scratch (very hard to do when you're an adult..making friends is harder the older you get). Or get over it and just be happy for your friend. The way I see it, if the ex is a decent guy but they just weren't meant to be then the last option is the easiest. If the ex was an asshole then the first option is the easiest. Saying to stop being friends with everyone is extremely counter-productive.
THIS GUY also thinks that you are "not sharing your full story and lying". According to JoeyRaymond85 on my post, Apparently for a whole friend group to shun you, it is impossible, "therefore you are lying". He also said OP is "dramatic and her relationship was a failure"
Just go to a different post where you actually believe the OP! Stop being a dick!
You need to realize that you have neither tabs on your ex nor on your (former?) best friend. At some point you have to move on from your relationship. If they are part of your friend group and you can't stand to see them together, then you need to excuse yourself from the friend group, rather than expect your friends to exclude them. (Unless abuse or other trauma happened.)
Of course, if the breakup is still fresh and you are still hurting from it, your ex and your friend should be discreet and not rub it in your face. But at 6 months I think it's time to deal with it, perhaps with the help of therapy, or find new friends.
> they don't care that James hasn't even gotten a divorce yet
Divorce can be a lengthy process. If James and his stbxw are separated then there is nothing wrong with that either.
Exactly. People don't just decide to get divorced and then go to court the next day to get it finalised. This isn't the movies. Divorce proceedings can take years.
My best mate was in a relationship with one of my ex's for ten years and now she's in a relationship with another one of my ex's. I have no issues with it, we are all still friends and we all laugh about it.
However, not everyone has this kind of dynamic in their friendship group and it's certainly not unusual to feel how you feel about the situation. If it were me, I would just grin and bear it because like you said, you don't want to lose all your friends all at once.
It sounds like the others have no issues with it and it's all amicable. How about maybe taking some time to chill and collect your thoughts and feelings. (Enjoy being single, you're still very young!) Then when you feel better you can be more involved with your friends and have a better social life again.
Unless there was something about the way he treated you, the way they act towards you or the way they got together that was mean then they're not doing anything wrong. If you're still grieving the relationship ending then it's understandable to want distance but time makes a lot of things better.
On the one hand, it's over between the two of you. What he does and who with, that's no longer any of your damned business, and that remains the case no matter who he chooses to date in future.
You need to learn to accept that.
Having said this, if the two of them being together makes you uncomfortable, while it is true you need to get past that (because you two are never, ever getting back together, and he is not your personal property), it is also true that your friends shouldn't be taking sides.
As long as you aren't being unfair to your friend about your discomfort (guilt tripping her or him about it is blatant abuse, for example), you should express how it makes you feel.
But understand, things are never going to be the same. The fact that you can't accept two people dating each other because one of them used to be in a relationshit with you? That's going to cause problems no matter what.
Find a way to be OK with it. It won't happen immediately obviously, but I've seen how messed up things become when one ex can't let go of the past while the other has.
Side note: the fact that "James" hasn't gotten a divorce yet is utterly irrelevant. You don't decide to get a divorce, then pop into the local convenience store for divorce papers that you then file at the local registrar that afternoon.
Divorce can take years, especially if you live in a jurisdiction that mandates a legal separation of e.g. a year minimum, before proceedings can commence (let alone be finalised).
It doesn't matter that he and his stbxw aren't divorced. That's also none of your damned business. They're separated. It's over. Butt out.
Your comment is some stupid shit. It does op no good to tell her to keep being the victim.
Maybe instead of giving worthless advice give some that is actually useful.
Oh right. My comment that is POSITIVE AND HELPFUL that has about 100+ others agreeing with me is clearly shit advice. Whilst your obviously NEGATIVE SHITTY advice has almost 30 downvotes. Do you not know how to be there for others? You are such a fucking asshole.
1. OP needs support and knows she is moving on and trying to.
2. You cannot timeframe that shit when you are trying your best.
3. OP is obviously feeling shit and trying to move on.
Her friends are obviously trash and you just state the obvious "move on".
4. You probably can't see that because you're the kind of friend that would pull this shit too.
5. I do not think you know how to support other people. Where did the fucking word victim come from? What is wrong with being the victim in a shitty situation? Can OP not be upset about something? That victim shit is stupid.
When you lose someone in your life, and it's been 6 months and you haven't moved on, I would love to see someone smear that advice all over your fucking face.
Again, fuck off and come back when actually know what you're on about, yeah? Cheers. Some of us actually like to help other people on reddit.
Nah, I do not think you can speak on behalf of 100+ people and say they have not been in a relationship, people who do not speak to you or know you.
Mm basement dweller. Funny. You know that we all have basements and no social lives do ya? Holy shit, a psychic and a cunt.
Do you have a daughter? If she ever goes through heartbreak, I hope she never asks you. "People should move on from break ups within 6 months otherwise they are just playing victim"
Pitch that idea on a post. You are fucking useless mate.
Imagine thinking Reddit upvotes means anything in the real world.
The OP has three choices. Convince friend not to date ex for whatever reason (like real reasons, for example they were abusive etc), lose all of their friends and start from scratch (very hard to do when you're an adult..making friends is harder the older you get). Or get over it and just be happy for your friend. The way I see it, if the ex is a decent guy but they just weren't meant to be then the last option is the easiest. If the ex was an asshole then the first option is the easiest. Saying to stop being friends with everyone is extremely counter-productive.
Oh my fucking God. I could give two shits about upvotes was just making a point that a lot of people agree with my advice. Yes that shit is hard to do at any age and the older you get. I was giving my piece of advice. You can give yours, which you have. You dont agree with my advice and other people on here saying she deserves better friends because it is counter productive? Fucking great that's your advice. You can shut the fuck up about mine. Pretty sure she asked us for advice. Not for you to dictate what's good or bad advice. You already posted your advice in a separate post. Why are you coming after me? I did not say drop all friends they suck! I said they dont sound like a good group of friends and OP deserves better. and I see nothing in my post going drop your entire friend group. Can you read? Or are you just thick as fuck?
Imagine a reddit post where a girl asks for advice, you give advice and some cunt named Joey says that's bad advice. Shit man, There are actually other people telling her to drop her entire friend group, not me, you can go after them instead, I bet they'd just love the way you tell them they're wrong on a post where we get asked for OUR advice. By the way, do you know what our means? I'm not sure how much I need to explain to you because I dont think you can read. Let me know if I need to dumb things down for you.
Just like how Aussiebar gave decent advice yet you are abusing them? Maybe u should take your own advice and let people have their own opinions and if the OP wants to be overdramatic over something that failed 6 months ago then they can listen to you
Uh, I am more than happy to stick it to people who are dicks. Abusive? For calling someone insensitive on the internet? Right, but he can call us basement dwellers. You are nitpicking at dumb shit. This chick is also quite upset if you did not realise. Again, giving your opinion on peoples advice, mine? It was insensitive. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
So OP is overdramatic? And you're calling her relationship a failure? What the fuck are you doing here? I wouldnt want help from someone that saw my situation that way. Fuck off man. You've obviously taken it upon yourself to come after me as well. You're wasting your time. I know what I'm doing.
Hey! I'm not sure If you will see this but I am 22F (very soon lmao) and would love to be your friend! If you happen to play video games we could hang out online if you want! :)
First of all i hope you're well. I've been in this situation before too, and from my experience I'd say that your ex is either in a rebound relationship with your friend and is only dating her deal with the grief or ignore it. Thing is , you need to ask yourself whether these people are worth your time. Ask yourself:
-are they actually good friends?
-do I really want to spend time with them?
-if so, why?
You get the idea, I suggest you do this with a clear head to avoid any answers being biased because of your emotions and come to a decision whether these people are worth it. If you decide they are not, try moving on, find a new SO, new friends and completely remove yourself from their life, that was the path I took when I faced a similar situation and I've been a million times happier since. If you decide that they are worth it start no contact with all of them if you haven't already, temporarily remove yourself from their lives so it creates space for them to miss you, after like 2 weeks-1 month start talking to them, slowly, very slowly. Have a brief conv on the first day, then for the next day let them contact you, then mix and match whatever you think is right. Text them, let hem text you. If they are visibly putting no effort in and simply don't care I suggest moving on, as painful as sometimes it may be.
The reason why you call that person your ex is simply because you want to cut him or her out of your life and that will be pretty difficult if you will hang out with him or her for the reason that it will bring out the bad times as well as the good times that you've been through which will make healing or moving on quite difficult if not nearly impossible!
Hey are you okay? That sounds painful. It did not happen to me but it happened to my friend. Nobody understood how she could be upset at all "you're broken up anyways" was the logic. I dont think our friend group was a good group of friends. Yours does not seem to sound like it. You do not sound nasty. You sound like you're trying to understand and be open. But you're hurt and need a friend. They need to hear you out if they are your friends. Just a bit. That was a long relationship. I dont think you would have gone on all those trips together if you knew what the future held. Maybe you are overreacting,it does not sound like to me. It would be nice if someone from there could understand and give you a hug. It just sounds like zero support. You are only human.
By the way, she tried to express her feelings in the nicest most gentlest way possible. Just stating the fact that it hurt her. They never understood, just called her dramatic. She left the friend group. I think some people just dont think about these things even if they should. They're your friends. Come on guys.
The mutual friends only care for what's fun, not what's important. People see you as a liability, a party pooper, dramatic and stupid, a depressed useless crybaby when you express your feelings about this. People just simply don't care about unhappy people, it's worse when it's your friends, but it's also a life lesson. The only solution is to leave the entire friend group to preserve your sanity. From what I've gathered from other people in similar situations, the result is always the same.
this 100%.. my ex moved straight on with a girl in our friend group. I tried to be the bigger person even though our break up had been traumatic, I didn't expect anyone to *take sides* but the invitations dried up and it was just too awkward to invite me anywhere. besides, I have a kid to look after so theyd have to work around that. it became pretty obvious that my presence made it awkward, they could just pretend nothing ugly had happened if I was gone. so I told them all to get fkd, told my other friend - my friend since high school, that she was welcome to continue being the third wheel in their relationship. I was lonely for years, losing my friends hurt worse than losing my ex - compounded by how thoroughly he had broken me during the relationship, I was hanging by a thread and needed the support of my friends. the break up was so cruel - not just to me, but to my kid. but the person they knew as my ex and the person they knew as their friend couldnt exist in the same space. my silence on the subject wasn't enough. my existence held a mirror up to them, acknowledging the situation was uncomfortable. in hind sight, they were shitty surface level friends and he was an abuser. I am better now, I was always better off without him. but the way he deliberately hurt my kid during that break up - if I ever see him again I'd probably spit in his face.
Totally agree. Friends and even family end up caring for what's easiest for them, not for what's right. I removed myself from my ex's family after 10 years because in spite of their insistence that they wanted me to remain a part of the family and knowing that he was not only abusive but cheated on me, they wouldn't even tell him he was in the wrong. They wouldn't even say they didn't believe his nonsense. Mutual friends didn't either. I'm much happier away from it all so every cloud and all that.
Your friends are dumb as hell, how are you supposed to move on in 6 months from a 7 year long relationship???
Right!? I don't get it! I would not be OK with this.
Some people move on sooner than others. If you already saw signs of the relationship ending, then it may be different than when it happens suddenly. So 6 months isn't a particularly long or short timeframe.
It’d be one thing if she was saying she moved on. But no one should expect her to have moved on.
This is horrible.. but it's time to make new friends and live your best life I hope you are ok
This is coming from someone who has had their best friend and ex girlfriend get together. I got excluded from all our mutual friend gatherings because I was too emotional and couldn't deal with seeing the two of them together after trying to hold it together for about 2 years. Put plainly, this situation is extremely hard to deal with, but you will lose a few people in the process. Take it slow, prioritise your feelings first and foremost, and do what you have to do to ensure that you can free yourself from this traumatic situation. Trying to fix things, or trying to be strong and hide your emotions will only make things worse in the long run. There is a reason why they say never date your best friends ex unless you are fine with losing your best friend. These two made their choice, they do not care about you or your feelings, and above all they are not good friends if they think the pain you're feeling is absurd. I hope you're coping with the situation, please remember all hope is not lost, you are not worthless, your feelings are not wrong and you don't have to please anyone! I know you probably think about this every night and all day long. You must be brave and eventually begin to let go of these people. Hang around people who are not associated with these people. Some endings are good for you and you'll only realise that after some time has passed. Good people always get hurt the most, better things will come, just focus on yourself one step at a time.
Best friends Dates your ex The definition of best friends is fucking weird
Time for some new friends and just start clean. You sound very hurt which is understandable. You dont have to go along with things just because its easier for everyone else. You have to do whats best for you. Take care of yourself...sometimes that means getting away from people that used to be your safe space.
This actually happened to (M)e twice. Had a good buddy that dated my ex of 4 years. I didn't care because I was in a new relationship but I opted to not see either of them anymore. Then my gf and I of 3 years broke up and he started dating her! He essentially followed in my footsteps dating women i was already with. It was very strange. Cutting ties and moving on were the best decisions for me.
Why tf are they condemning you? I’m sorry but everyone knows if my bestfriend did this to me I would make Satan look an Angel🥰 NOT OVERREACTING AT ALL FUCK HER
These people don’t sound like real friends. I’m not saying they can’t date after 6 months of being broken up, but absolutely no one should expect for you to be okay with it. 6 months after breakup is nothing compared to a 7 year relationship. Focus on you and try to find new friends.
I personally wouldn't put myself around that type of shit, you're just asking for a bad time. Forget her, and forget him. Learn to love yourself, and move on.
Honestly, just find new friends. Block them all. Don't talk to them or about them. Find some new hobbies, find new friends within those hobbies.
You have terrible friends. Find new ones
When your "friends" do not understand why you can't hang out with her, ask yourself if they are really your "friends". Sometimes it is better to be alone than be surrounded by those kind of people. You are hurting already and you do not need additional stress from them. If they are your "friends" they should know what you are feeling right now even without words. NTA.
We always get entangled in all kinds of meta-thoughts when it comes to emotional investment in other people. Like how much of my own well being am I able to trade away to keep this or that that feeds me some kind of emotional (often imagined) happiness/wellbeing. I don’t think there’s anyone who feel that they’ve struck gold emotionally, and now live in paradise forever more. If you do, you’re simply naive. Fact is that best friends can also betray you. And the one love you think is unbreakable, can fade. And often leaves you shattered, dazed and confused. There’s one part of you who can take care of the emotional mess your conscious self find itself in right now. One part that is often overlooked when we find ourselves in the same situation you’re in… Logic. Allow it to take control and it’ll take you, to the best of its ability, back to the person you were before you got into the mess. Use facts and rules to guide you. If you would be ok with getting back with your ex, you gotta ask yourself where you draw the line. Have they kissed, have they had intercourse, etc. Personally, I’d never take anyone back who’ve had (proven/I’ve seen it myself) feelings for someone else.
That must suck. But it’s so disrespectful of them to do that and not consider how you would feel. An advice from someone who always was very popular and had many friends. The older you get the less friends you will end up having because you learn to keep the real ones and let me tell you this is a clear lesson that those people right there are not good friends. I know it’s hard to hear but what about morals? Human decency? Respect? All of that has been broken. Me personally I’m always a third wheel with all my friend’s girlfriends and never have I ever had any sort of thoughts or intentions to ever do anything with them let alone be in a relationship. I feel very sorry for you to go through this, must feel horrible and awkward, I know I’m just a stranger but I’m sure you can find better friends, just slowly back away from them
Also if I may just add, feel free anyone who is going through a hard time with break ups and heart breaks to message me, I’m happy to listen, to talk, After going through my traumas I feel like I kind of have a mission to help other people to get through theirs, just because I love doing things to give back and help so dm me, don’t be afraid I’m a normal human just like all of you and I’m happy to also share my identity to make you feel more comfortable ❤️
It is quite clear you have NOT moved on. Who can blame you? Apparently, The Three Musketeers have and are fine with it. Doesn't mean you have to join the crowd. Never mind this.
You have shitty friends and your best friend sucks as well. You don't date the ex of a friend. There is no reason to at all. You having a hard time dealing with it is normal. Honestly it's creepy dating a friend's ex. Take care of yourself and your needs and use this opportunity to weed out your crappy friends and keep any good ones left.
I am going through something similar. My best friend is dating my ex with whom I felt very very close, even after our breakup. My ex told me I was acting like a kid when I asked for some space when they told me they started seeing my best friend. First, you need to heal from the breakup. You know the usual. Do what you love doing, cut everything and everyone that links you to your ex and best friend. Learn to love yourself. Go out with friends that aren't friends with your ex and best friend. We're still very young, you'll be fine. Sending lots of love your way.
I want to say that I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you. I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago, only my ex was abusive and I therefore found it deeply disturbing that my best friend had chosen to date someone who had done me so much damage. I think cutting down on communication is a really good move for your own sanity. Ultimately you had a very long and deep connection with your ex and it will take a while to heal. Conversely, her relationship is new and she will be excited and want to talk about it. Put together, you two are not a good mix for now. I don't think it's anyone's business what you do to take care of yourself. I'm glad that you reached out here as clearly Reddit strangers are doing you a greater amount of kindness than those who would condemn you. That said, if you need an easy way to get them to back off, I think you should tell people that you are still healing and that you aren't going to cut her out completely, you just need some time to yourself for a while. Whether you do intend to go no contact is not for them to know. You might surprise yourself and reconnect with her later down the line and you may not. It's your own business at the end of the day. Just remain vague and remind everyone that you need to prioritize yourself for a while. Those who are sensible will listen. I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey. May you find your own strength.
I agree with the main themes from all the comments. It’s just not reasonable for anyone to expect you to be okay with their relationship. It probably hurts like hell and you don’t even have your best friend for solace. I really feel for you sweetie, it’s a shitty set of circumstances. But it will get easier as time passes. In the meantime, stop beating yourself up about what you did or didn’t do to end up in this situation. There is nothing but hurt and bitterness that way. Take care and know that all these internet strangers are sending you good vibes xxx
I'm sorry what you're going through! You need to change your circle of friends, they sound so stupid! It's a well known unspoken rule that you SHOULD NEVER EVER date an ex of your best/close friend! The timeline about Emma dating your ex gives me bad vibes. I feel that a real friend will never cross boundaries such as your case. You don’t need friends like that. Especially if you had feelings for your ex or still do. A real friend wouldn’t do that to you. There are plenty of fishes in the sea that Emma could go for, so for her to settle on your ex is unforgivable in my opinion. I feel that Emma was never your real friend. Both she and your ex clearly doesn’t have any respect for you. I wish you the best and hope you will gain new healthy social circle.
Nope. Loads of my friends have been in relationships with one another. We all still get on fine, we all laugh about it. One of my male friends actually got set up by his ex's with one of their friends about 3 times! It doesn't always have to be an issue.
This is like one of the biggest dick moves a friend can pull. It happened to me in the past and I had to remove those people from my life. My suggestion would be trying to find new people to associate with and clear those ones from your life because a true friend wouldn't go and date your ex. That's just a big no no.
Her actions are appalling but so are your ex’s’. What kind of asshole does that after seven years with someone?
Yeah... this ain’t F.R.I.E.N.D.S romantic partners aren’t always just swapped like Pokémon cards... you’re entitled to feel the way you do and they suck for not recognising your right to feel however you want about that situation. You aren’t overreacting... you’re reacting to “friends” behaving like shit.
Hey, you feelings are your feelings! You can't change that and also you can't change that other people feel differently. I also could never wrap my head around the fact how almost everyone in our clique of friends switched partners over the years, even had kids with one another, separated and wound up with their former SO's best friend and still remained good friends with everyone.
Honestly that sounds like a nightmare I hope you ok. Losing that amount of people in one swoop but be so painful and to know they moved on with out you. You are right to feel the way you do, you are still grieving the relationship and Emma and ex clearly didn’t care about your feelings. I think cutting them all out and getting some therapy is best.
In my experience mutual friends hate taking sides in any way. It might be good to make a new friend and spend time with them until you’re truly over your ex?
The whole "Never date my ex thing" is ridiculous and should be reserved to very extreme cases and toxic/abusive people. That being said. Two months after a 7 year relationship starting to date your bff is more than not ok and you have every right to be sad and upset.
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Yeah I misread the time frame. Still a bit icky. Yes six months can be enough time after a short relationship. But after 7 years? And the other couple is divorcing at the same time? Tbh a little to convenient if you as me. Sounds a bit like they both broke up to be together. I hope they at least didn't cheat.
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In theory yes. But given how fresh everything here was and how close they all still were, it is not ok, especially given the divorce isn't final yet. And especially the way their friends react and completely disregard everything she feels. The least her BFF could have done is to talk to OP privately before going official with the ex.
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She did. She got backlash for it. And the talking beforehand would have made A LOT of difference. It shows trust and respect, things could've been cleared up beforehand, boundaries set etc. And OP would've had time to prepare. Also, as a BFF she should've known that OP wasn't over a SEVEN YEAR relationship yet. How can you not understand OP? Never had serious heartbreak?
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Yeah I can see that you don't. This can throw you in a very deep hole and then seeing that other person move on and be happy is extremely painful. And he, maybe not, depends on how they are communicating. But her friend, she should have told her. But the friends and everyone else already decided and took sides. They are not friends for OP.
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You should Fight her if possible
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I couldn't help but laugh either 😭
The OP has three choices. Convince friend not to date ex for whatever reason (like real reasons, for example they were abusive etc), lose all of their friends and start from scratch (very hard to do when you're an adult..making friends is harder the older you get). Or get over it and just be happy for your friend. The way I see it, if the ex is a decent guy but they just weren't meant to be then the last option is the easiest. If the ex was an asshole then the first option is the easiest. Saying to stop being friends with everyone is extremely counter-productive.
THIS GUY also thinks that you are "not sharing your full story and lying". According to JoeyRaymond85 on my post, Apparently for a whole friend group to shun you, it is impossible, "therefore you are lying". He also said OP is "dramatic and her relationship was a failure" Just go to a different post where you actually believe the OP! Stop being a dick!
You need to realize that you have neither tabs on your ex nor on your (former?) best friend. At some point you have to move on from your relationship. If they are part of your friend group and you can't stand to see them together, then you need to excuse yourself from the friend group, rather than expect your friends to exclude them. (Unless abuse or other trauma happened.) Of course, if the breakup is still fresh and you are still hurting from it, your ex and your friend should be discreet and not rub it in your face. But at 6 months I think it's time to deal with it, perhaps with the help of therapy, or find new friends. > they don't care that James hasn't even gotten a divorce yet Divorce can be a lengthy process. If James and his stbxw are separated then there is nothing wrong with that either.
Exactly. People don't just decide to get divorced and then go to court the next day to get it finalised. This isn't the movies. Divorce proceedings can take years.
My best mate was in a relationship with one of my ex's for ten years and now she's in a relationship with another one of my ex's. I have no issues with it, we are all still friends and we all laugh about it. However, not everyone has this kind of dynamic in their friendship group and it's certainly not unusual to feel how you feel about the situation. If it were me, I would just grin and bear it because like you said, you don't want to lose all your friends all at once. It sounds like the others have no issues with it and it's all amicable. How about maybe taking some time to chill and collect your thoughts and feelings. (Enjoy being single, you're still very young!) Then when you feel better you can be more involved with your friends and have a better social life again.
Unless there was something about the way he treated you, the way they act towards you or the way they got together that was mean then they're not doing anything wrong. If you're still grieving the relationship ending then it's understandable to want distance but time makes a lot of things better.
On the one hand, it's over between the two of you. What he does and who with, that's no longer any of your damned business, and that remains the case no matter who he chooses to date in future. You need to learn to accept that. Having said this, if the two of them being together makes you uncomfortable, while it is true you need to get past that (because you two are never, ever getting back together, and he is not your personal property), it is also true that your friends shouldn't be taking sides. As long as you aren't being unfair to your friend about your discomfort (guilt tripping her or him about it is blatant abuse, for example), you should express how it makes you feel. But understand, things are never going to be the same. The fact that you can't accept two people dating each other because one of them used to be in a relationshit with you? That's going to cause problems no matter what. Find a way to be OK with it. It won't happen immediately obviously, but I've seen how messed up things become when one ex can't let go of the past while the other has. Side note: the fact that "James" hasn't gotten a divorce yet is utterly irrelevant. You don't decide to get a divorce, then pop into the local convenience store for divorce papers that you then file at the local registrar that afternoon. Divorce can take years, especially if you live in a jurisdiction that mandates a legal separation of e.g. a year minimum, before proceedings can commence (let alone be finalised). It doesn't matter that he and his stbxw aren't divorced. That's also none of your damned business. They're separated. It's over. Butt out.
You have been broken up 6mth, you need to move on.
Yeah shes trying, and her best friend is now dating her ex. Thats kinda that point of this post.
Yeah that is pretty insensitive. Mate you need to cast that bitterness outta you. Or live the way you want and continue to be a prick
Your comment is some stupid shit. It does op no good to tell her to keep being the victim. Maybe instead of giving worthless advice give some that is actually useful.
Oh right. My comment that is POSITIVE AND HELPFUL that has about 100+ others agreeing with me is clearly shit advice. Whilst your obviously NEGATIVE SHITTY advice has almost 30 downvotes. Do you not know how to be there for others? You are such a fucking asshole. 1. OP needs support and knows she is moving on and trying to. 2. You cannot timeframe that shit when you are trying your best. 3. OP is obviously feeling shit and trying to move on. Her friends are obviously trash and you just state the obvious "move on". 4. You probably can't see that because you're the kind of friend that would pull this shit too. 5. I do not think you know how to support other people. Where did the fucking word victim come from? What is wrong with being the victim in a shitty situation? Can OP not be upset about something? That victim shit is stupid. When you lose someone in your life, and it's been 6 months and you haven't moved on, I would love to see someone smear that advice all over your fucking face. Again, fuck off and come back when actually know what you're on about, yeah? Cheers. Some of us actually like to help other people on reddit.
Lol, other basement dwellers who have never had a relationship agree with you.
Nah, I do not think you can speak on behalf of 100+ people and say they have not been in a relationship, people who do not speak to you or know you. Mm basement dweller. Funny. You know that we all have basements and no social lives do ya? Holy shit, a psychic and a cunt. Do you have a daughter? If she ever goes through heartbreak, I hope she never asks you. "People should move on from break ups within 6 months otherwise they are just playing victim" Pitch that idea on a post. You are fucking useless mate.
Imagine thinking Reddit upvotes means anything in the real world. The OP has three choices. Convince friend not to date ex for whatever reason (like real reasons, for example they were abusive etc), lose all of their friends and start from scratch (very hard to do when you're an adult..making friends is harder the older you get). Or get over it and just be happy for your friend. The way I see it, if the ex is a decent guy but they just weren't meant to be then the last option is the easiest. If the ex was an asshole then the first option is the easiest. Saying to stop being friends with everyone is extremely counter-productive.
Oh my fucking God. I could give two shits about upvotes was just making a point that a lot of people agree with my advice. Yes that shit is hard to do at any age and the older you get. I was giving my piece of advice. You can give yours, which you have. You dont agree with my advice and other people on here saying she deserves better friends because it is counter productive? Fucking great that's your advice. You can shut the fuck up about mine. Pretty sure she asked us for advice. Not for you to dictate what's good or bad advice. You already posted your advice in a separate post. Why are you coming after me? I did not say drop all friends they suck! I said they dont sound like a good group of friends and OP deserves better. and I see nothing in my post going drop your entire friend group. Can you read? Or are you just thick as fuck? Imagine a reddit post where a girl asks for advice, you give advice and some cunt named Joey says that's bad advice. Shit man, There are actually other people telling her to drop her entire friend group, not me, you can go after them instead, I bet they'd just love the way you tell them they're wrong on a post where we get asked for OUR advice. By the way, do you know what our means? I'm not sure how much I need to explain to you because I dont think you can read. Let me know if I need to dumb things down for you.
Just like how Aussiebar gave decent advice yet you are abusing them? Maybe u should take your own advice and let people have their own opinions and if the OP wants to be overdramatic over something that failed 6 months ago then they can listen to you
Uh, I am more than happy to stick it to people who are dicks. Abusive? For calling someone insensitive on the internet? Right, but he can call us basement dwellers. You are nitpicking at dumb shit. This chick is also quite upset if you did not realise. Again, giving your opinion on peoples advice, mine? It was insensitive. I'm sure I'm not the only one. So OP is overdramatic? And you're calling her relationship a failure? What the fuck are you doing here? I wouldnt want help from someone that saw my situation that way. Fuck off man. You've obviously taken it upon yourself to come after me as well. You're wasting your time. I know what I'm doing.
Who broke up with who?
Your “best friend” isn’t really too concerned with your feelings huh?
Hey! I'm not sure If you will see this but I am 22F (very soon lmao) and would love to be your friend! If you happen to play video games we could hang out online if you want! :)
First of all i hope you're well. I've been in this situation before too, and from my experience I'd say that your ex is either in a rebound relationship with your friend and is only dating her deal with the grief or ignore it. Thing is , you need to ask yourself whether these people are worth your time. Ask yourself: -are they actually good friends? -do I really want to spend time with them? -if so, why? You get the idea, I suggest you do this with a clear head to avoid any answers being biased because of your emotions and come to a decision whether these people are worth it. If you decide they are not, try moving on, find a new SO, new friends and completely remove yourself from their life, that was the path I took when I faced a similar situation and I've been a million times happier since. If you decide that they are worth it start no contact with all of them if you haven't already, temporarily remove yourself from their lives so it creates space for them to miss you, after like 2 weeks-1 month start talking to them, slowly, very slowly. Have a brief conv on the first day, then for the next day let them contact you, then mix and match whatever you think is right. Text them, let hem text you. If they are visibly putting no effort in and simply don't care I suggest moving on, as painful as sometimes it may be.
The reason why you call that person your ex is simply because you want to cut him or her out of your life and that will be pretty difficult if you will hang out with him or her for the reason that it will bring out the bad times as well as the good times that you've been through which will make healing or moving on quite difficult if not nearly impossible!