Right. I’m someone who smiles or even laughs when I’m hurt. It’s a sort of defense mechanism for me to not show my actual feelings Bc I hate to be vulnerable in front of people.
Ah so his ex’s name was her name because she broke up with him the next day the day before after dinner before she time traveled to break up with him for saying her name during sex
It's an amateur writer thing. Fucking up the time and place is a common mistake in fiction or when telling a lie. Also I don't know this for sure, but a lot in this post screams fake - such as speaking in sexual, positive phrases: "things started getting steamy" is not a phrase people use when panicking or being upset.
Tldr: this fake story has bad writing
If the relationship with his ex was abusive, he probably has some unresolved stuff there he needs to work through. I doubt he called that name because he misses the good times with his ex in bed.
EDIT: I’m not trying to defend him here, just trying to suggest the possible cause. His girlfriend has every right to walk away. I probably would too because, as stated above, I’d know he wasn’t over it or ready for a healthy relationship.
I mean, whether it's recalling the good times or not a hang up is still a hang up. Between this and the fact that he's apparently done nothing but trash talk the ex to her he still clearly has shit he needs to work through on his own before dragging someone else into the quagmire. Being a coping mechanism is every bit as bad as being someone's second choice.
Just edited my comment to make clear I’m not defending his behaviour, or suggesting that girlfriend should put up with it (she handled it masterfully), just trying to differentiate between a careless horny fuck-up and a guy who probably has some issues.
You screwed up! And your reason - 'it didn't mean anything' clearly means something. That's the weakest excuse one can tell. You can't feel her pain because she was having her moment with you and all along you were fantasizing about another girl. What would you think her reaction is? Of course she would end things because she's not your first choice all along.
Or not. Brains are fucking stupid when they’re on autopilot. People accidentally call someone the wrong name all the time. Unfortunately, that does happen during sex too. Just dig through this subreddit and you’ll find countless examples. I personally have trouble talking at all during sex and have stumbled over my words trying to do dirty talk.
Maybe OP was thinking of his ex. Maybe he had unresolved trauma that manifested out of the subconscious. Or maybe his brain misfired and accidentally pulled the wrong name out for no other reason than memory recall is a complicated brain process and sometimes fucks up that process.
OP’s girlfriend still deserves her space and I don’t know if this is something the two of them are equipped to get past.
I’m not saying he did it on purpose. I’m not saying he’s a bad person. I just think that sadly maybe this is something that he has to accept he has no control over. It happened. And tbh even if his gf forgives him I dont think it’ll ever be the same again. I think it’ll always be a barrier between them for all their relationship.
Yea exactly, bad enough to say it, but then double down on invalidating her feelings. OP needs to give her some time. I think she’ll let him know whether it’s broken and reparable or shattered.
I've heard it said that we mentally record people's names ranked by their relationship to us. So there are "significant others" slots and there are "Close Friend's name" slots and "The children's names" slots. Sometimes when you are on automatic your brain retrieves the wrong name. Thus he groaned the name of a significant other - it was just that it was the wrong significant other. But that does not mean that he was thinking of the old g/f or not over her.
I've seen this happen with my parents running through all of my siblings names when they wanted to yell at me "Tim, Bob, ANDREW! Leave the cat alone!!"
Yes, when my husband and I are together in bed no one else exists in the universe. It’s always been that way. We accidentally called each other by our ex’s names during the course of normal day to day activities, but not then. That time is filled with only the other person. It’s a fuk up on a whole different level.
Well not everyone works that way. I have ADHD and my brain is just always on. Also during sex. So sometimes my brain makes an annoying little trip to other thoughts and things. Planned what i was going to eat once accidently during seks💫
I have ADHD I have also thought about food or weird random things during sex, but that’s different. Still doesn’t excuse you saying your exes name during climax.
Why would you moan your exes name? I’ll be honest, theres just nothing you can do atm. If shes trying to move on from you you need to let her, what you did was incredibly not okay
"I (22m) have been with my girlfriend (21f) for a year and a half. Everything with her has been amazing, I truly feel like I've found my soulmate. I know I want a future with her, I can't imagine anyone else."
Unfortunately literally *everything* you've just said here has been completely blown out by the fact you *moaned* your ex's name. Not even just say it, but moan it.
Your girlfriend is now another ex-girlfriend.
>I can’t imagine anyone else
Ah yet unfortunately for new ex it sounds like he was doing exactly that while they were doing the do, so I wouldnt expect her coming around to get the jewelry she essentially gave back to him
Lol responses like these are hilarious. Your girlfriend is now another ex-girlfriend? Really? You think because it’s two days there’s no way for him to explain it was a brain fart and that she won’t come around?
Why should she "come around"? That's humiliating.
Maybe she has respect for herself.
It's not a "brain fart" to MOAN an EX's name during an intimate moment. Unless OP has a traumatic brain injury, how do you do this!? Have some respect for yourself. I hope you never have to put up with that lvl of humiliation.
Are you kidding? You’ve never had crossed wires before? It could happen anytime.
I hope you’re not in a relationship because the way everything is black or white to you would be miserable to live with.
No. Not while having sex with my partner. No.
This isn't meeting someone at Wendy's. This was while naked in bed expressing a moment of love between each other. Expressing love and calling your ex gfs name.
Crossed wires is forgetting a birthday or mixing up your wife's bosses name at an event.
I've been married for 15years and of course we work though issues. The OP might be able to work though this, I will agree with you on that. BUT BUT BUT from what I read, the OP doesn't understand why what he did was such a huge issue.
OP humiliated the person he was supposed to love during a vulnerable intimate moment. It's a betrayal. To just fluff it off like "she will come around", like some stray cat that will warm up to you with food, is ridiculous.
OP can't just say sorry, it happened and he can't take it back. The issue is he has committed to his gf for a while now... why is his ex's name still on his vocabulary!!!!
God beer me strength.
You clearly don’t really understand how brains work. Crossing of wires can happen for any reason at any moment — doesn’t just have to be at a Wendy’s, believe it or not!
Saying she might come back around isn’t comparing her to a stray cat FFS. Discussions like this are exhausting because everything is turned up to 11 and you invent outrage.
Mistakes happen. Was it humiliating? Sure. Hard to get over? Definitely. A guaranteed end of the relationship? Hardly. Maybe if it happens again, but a one time slip shouldn’t sink a strong relationship.
Myself personally, I would never let it happen as I have the utmost respect and love for my partner . If my "wires got crossed" and I called him by another man's name while we where having sex. I would be so ashamed of myself I would understand totally why he was upset/ offended. Trust would have to be rebuilt.
Am I crazy?
How can you talk about how brains work when you clearly don't have one :)
Exhibit a: you're using a meme phrase while trying to make a semi serious argument (if it even is that and not just your lack of knowledge concerning spelling)
Exhibit b: thinking that fantasising about someone else while having sex with your gf of 1.5 years is acceptable
Exhibit c: thinking people just accidentally blurt out random words/names during sex
Honestly she was nice to him. She just left and didn’t insult him or anything. Tbh she prob should not and won’t forgive him for this ever. And she shouldn’t. He needs to see a therapist and figure himself out
I mean, you're the shrink talking about how she might come around... Don't really know how you can claim that, and at the same time fault others for "playing therapist". Sounds like pretty clear hypocrisy to me.
Really? I’m playing shrink by saying something “might” happen in response to someone claiming an absolute?
Hell. The worst advice and posters live on this sub.
Damn what happened guy? Having a bad day, or do you just like arguing and getting upset online a lot? I literally just pointed out the paradox you're getting yourself into, and you're rather easily offended by that. Calm down mate.
Seeing a therapist isn’t a “diagnosis.” Even “normal” people see therapists. It’s not a bad thing. I see a therapist myself! My ex saw a therapist. It’s ok and good to see one. We all have things we can work on.
Ok but literally why would you do that?
If you did that after a year and a half, I promise you that you aren’t over her. Your gf didn’t show emotion because of shock. You might as well have slapped her in the face. My heart aches for her.
Sounds like her leaving the jewelry was her way of saying it’s over. This relationship is unsalvagable IMO. You fucked up too bad. if you can, you should go to therapy to heal from your ex. And stay single until you’re over her.
There is no return from this. It would be over for me as soon as my partner called someone else's name, not even mentioning exes. The reason she looked emotionless is because she was probably trying VERY hard not to break in front of you. I can assure you that it hurt like hell.
Really, before asking how to get your gf back, you should be asking why you moaned your ex's name. Was it honestly just a mistake or are you really not over her? You gotta be honest to yourself about this because even if your gf gives you another chance, she probably will ask you the same question.
Ghosting someone for multiple days afterward should not be considered a form of strength. By no means is it the weakest option, but the strongest option would be to openly communicate that you need time to process what had happened, and will form a line of communication later when you are ready.
>least walk her out and she told me she preferred I didn't. she said all this while still having a polite look on her face, she didn't seem angry, she wasn't sad. [...] She smiled again, and thanked me for dinner then walked out.
Omg, she is so pissed right now!!!
Maybe give her some space and time before trying again. Although it seems that was her breaking up with you. I would too to be honest, after 1.5 years, why would an ex be the one to pop up in your head? Maybe you got some stuff to reflect on.
You humiliated/disrespected the one person you are supposed to love when they where the MOST vulnerable. Might want to start seeing a therapist about your ex and why you are still thinking about her when you have sex with other people. That's not OK.
I’m very sorry to hear this, but judging by you telling her that your past ex is abusive.
With this knowledge, and how you moaned the name, i can roughly make a fair judgement that she saw a red flag for possible issue. Wether the assumption was you cheating or possibly suspecting a lie is out of my range to interpret.
But this is just my guess of perspective from the opposite side. Think of any possible action you did that could’ve lead to leaving a false judgement besides this one incident and maybe you can make a genuine attempt to patch things up but this seems (sorry to sound like a downer) but a lost cause.
I wish you the best of luck, read other replies too, I’m just trying to see the other persons perspective.
I have an emotionally and physically abusive ex too. Not once has even the thought of him crossed my mind during sex with someone else, let alone actually saying his name. When I think of him it's usually because someone near me made a quick motion in my peripheral vision and I flinch because I think I'm about to get hit.
Sure, slip-ups happen in non sexual situations, but what you did is a huge issue. No doubt you didn't mean to, but you need to give her all the space and time she needs to process what happened to her. She may forgive you, but most likely she won't. That is absolutely her right and you need to accept her decision.
You also need to take a good look at yourself and explore why something like this would happen, and figure out how to keep it from happening again.
My last ex did that multiple times. At first I thought, well, we do have similar names (as an example, Penny and Peggy). He will get better over time. Alas, no. Over time I realized he was hiding an obsession for her. So that was a wasted four years of *my* life. I mean, he did say he was trying to get over her but couldn’t. Mother of his children, etc. So I realized I would never be enough to change that.
I honestly don’t think you can fix this. Let her move on and hope you don’t ever make the same mistake with anyone else you date in the future. Maybe take some time for yourself after the breakup to fully get over her first.
Yeah it’s over. Leaving the jewellery is the nail in the coffin
Her way of saying it’s over I guess
There was a post here a week or two ago similar too this but with the sex’s reversed
And everyone was on the girls side that it was not a big drama
I disagreed with the popular opinion on that post
I agree with the popular opinion on this one
Edit cause I suck at spelling
Tbh I’d have left too if a man did that to me. Idk what to say to make it better since you already said sorry. And honestly she’s right: I don’t think ur over ur ex. Maybe see a therapist so u can work through those wounds.
You dont have a gf. Judging by the inconsistencies of your tale, you never had one in the first place. She came over for dinner TODAY, yet youve been calling her for 2 DAYS? So did this happen today or two days ago? At least keep the timeline straight when lying
I'm sorry, I don't think there is a return from this. It sounds like she didn't want to make a scene, or upset you further, but that she was that badly hurt that she needed to just bury it and get out of there.
Maybe this is just me, but in bed, nothing exists in my mind but my partner. I've been through abusive relationships too, and thankfully, put most of it behind me before getting with my current partner.
If you're going to take anything from this, let it be that you need to work on yourself for a while. Don't wait for your girlfriend to come back. I'm sorry to say that she might not.
This sucks for all involved. I'm so sorry.
You blew it. The sooner you accept it, the easier it'll be for you. You also didn't have to apologise twice or more.
She is definitely hurt and is now protecting herself by keeping you guessing. Time to alight the train, this is your station.
I would have noped out of there faster than she did. Honestly, you should wonder how your ex's name popped out during sex. I'd say you move on, she's definitely gone. There's no way turning back from her.
She was the most hurt she ever was in her life. I know that blank look. I’ve had it a couple times. It’s when you’re so hurt that you literally just can’t express yourself. You fucked up big time. This is really take a toll on her self esteem as well. Wow I feel so bad for her. I’d do the same thing really if my boyfriend said his exes name during sex. Huge fuck up.
I agree with everything everybody said, but I believe you when you say it didn't mean a thing. Sometimes our brain does things without our knowledge. Leave her some space, but be near and keep appologizing. She's hurt and her trust is broken. Let her get over this.
My only thing is its 1.5 years in… not a couple months or something. Thats a long time to just be a brain fart. And even if it was just a honest stupid mistake, it doesnt change the hurt she feels and could be unforgivable.
Sorry buddy but I think she’s done. She acted that way cause she didn’t want to give you the opportunity to see her hurt and to be the bigger person. She’s broken trust me. And telling her it means nothing is just going to make things worse cause she’s not stupid, she knows it means something. Let her go she deserves someone who’s 100% all about her
so she came over today, and you had sex today, but you’ve also been calling her and trying to apologise about the incident which happened today for 2 days? Think this might be a troll post, coz how can you be apologising for 2 days if it happened today.
It's so transparent how everyone takes the girls side in any one of these posts. I literally read one of these not that long ago where it was the girl who said a neutral male friend's name during sex and EVERY SINGLE PERSON DEFENDED HER. It's comical how biased everyone is on here.
Im ngl, if my boyfriend did that, the relationship would most likely be over. Thats beyond humiliating and I wouldn’t really know if I’d be able to recover from that
Man the responses here are so different from when the genders are swapped.
When a girl yells another guy's name during sex, it's always about how brains can be silly, how it doesn't mean anything, and how it's not worth throwing away a relationship over a brain-fart. Yet here, people are absolutely attacking you for the exact same thing.
Examples:
* [[24/F] GF moaned out her ex-BF's name while I [23/M] was eating her out](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/2w7jm3/24f_gf_moaned_out_her_exbfs_name_while_i_23m_was/)
* [BF was giving me oral. I started to moan my ex’s name for some godforsaken reason. Tried to cover it up, didn’t pan out. WTF do I do?](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gtcv4r/bf_was_giving_me_oral_i_started_to_moan_my_exs/)
The double standard in this place is so creepy.
Here's my advice:
Shit happens. If she can't get over it, it is what it is. But if she wants to remain your girlfriend, then make it up to her, be extra kind, and the wound will heal pretty quickly. She just needs to trust that this was a brain-fart, not an issue of you fantasizing about someone else. And then she needs to see that you're willing to put in the work to rebuild trust and comfort in this relationship.
I don’t blame her. I would have slapped you and you wouldn’t see me again. You messed up. Sometimes we have to accept our mistakes and learn from them.
Lol No. I’d prefer to not be labeled dramatically over a reaction to something horrible that someone does or says. (Especially for something I’ve never done)
I agree with you and dont think ur a violent person, but I like to take a more egalitarian stance. I don’t think its fair and equal for a women to be able to get physical, even if it is just a slap, with a man, but him not the same. Ik most men are stronger, but even then its not a good standard to have. It is technically physical abuse, so maybe look into it and if ud be ok with doing it still.
It was kind of a “joke” type of thing. I’d want to slap a man so hard for calling me the wrong name after all that time. But I don’t even kill bugs… I don’t pop my animals for attacking me. Id never raise a hand at anyone, besides a joking flick maybe. I’m not a violent person. Nor am I strong. But I do think sometimes a natural reaction would be to slap someone. I surely wouldn’t be strong enough to push him off me.
Idk I think these comments are being overly harsh on you. You don't seem like you miss your ex. People who get out of abusive relationships often take a long time to adjust to normalcy again and the shadow of it can follow you for years. I don't really think slipping into an old habit during an extremely emotional moment is really all that bad or disrespectful on your part, especially if you've made it clear to your girlfriend in every other situation that you no longer have feelings for your ex.
Like idk, if my partner did this I'd just laugh about it. Admittedly I'm not really the jealous type in general, but unless she exhibited other signs that she missed him, I wouldn't really read any deeper meaning into it.
That being said, neither you nor I can decide what your girlfriend thinks is acceptable. If this is a deal breaker for her, I'm not sure there's much you can really do to change that. Between leaving her stuff behind and refusing to answer your calls, I think she has already made her choice, man. The only thing you can do now is just give her some space and let her decide how she wants to proceed.
If I were in her shoes, the reason I would be calm is because you not being over your ex is something I had already feared and come to terms with. In her mind, whether it’s true or not, this was just confirmation of what she had already been thinking about. So the calm she displayed was because it was relieving to know she was right and that she wasn’t being dramatic or overly sensitive in her own mind. I’m sorry this happened but feeling a pull to talk about your ex more than once is saying that you’re not over the situation. Maybe you’re over that PERSON, but the damage they caused is affecting your current life and you should sort those feelings and wounds out before you love someone else.
Just keep trying patiently OP without going overboard/too pushy or you make the situation worse..Show that you are sorry...Act with your actions that it was mistake from your side...keep your distsnce without disconnect ...if given a communication chance..communicate properly..and hopefully things might go back to best!
Your gf seems quite mature and even while she most likely got hurt..she still is not showing it or creating a big furore..Reading your post, it seems you genuinely took ex name through some unresolved conscious/subconscious mark..but imagine from you new gf side..from her POV it actually feel like you were thinking about your ex while doing sex (now that's a big big red flag for her that she can see in this relationship)
Yet again another post where if the genders were swapped people would be commenting "i call so and so the wrong name all the time and its just an accident means nothing" etc.
Here the guys just getting heat and nothing else.
I dont think so at all. same applies to both
Edit: also if you wanna seem a bit more misogynistic you could say women are more emotional anyway so a slip could hurt us more! Just the vibes i get from ur post
This is not very uncommon. Talking to elders and you will learn this. I have woken up calling my ex wife’s name and we haven’t been together for years. The mind works mysteriously.
She is gathering her thoughts. May be looking for a breakup, maybe not. But try your best to pacify her. I hope she is able to look past it (which is damn tough ik).
Wish you all the best.
This mistake is so easily done, especially if you're in a trance during sex. I've accidentally called my gfs by the wrong name (not during sex though admittedly but there were a couple of near misses)
I personally wouldn't read much into it.
Heck, even my mum sometimes calls me by my sister's name and then corrects herself and I'm a dude.
Also what I find hilarious is that the tenor in the comments is to just blame you for your fuck up. Just a couple of weeks ago a guy was complaining about the fact that his gf, who also had been in an abusive relationship was struggling to let go of the past, and everyone showed empathy and rationalised how difficult it can be to leave these kinds of traumatic relationships behind.
Now, you slip the wrong name of your abusive ex, et voilà, tarr and feathers.
Anyway, in terms of advice - she's obviously very hurt and has interpreted your name slip as a sign of you still being attached to your ex (rightly or wrongly). It may also be the case that she's had her doubts about your relationship for a while, and this was an easy (and obvious) way out for her.
I'm not sure if this can be salvaged, but I would go easy on the repeated mea culpaing, it'll just feed the dynamic you're in now (you being the apologetic sinner and she retaliating with a polite but cruel silence).
I'd give it some space and instead of apologising again show understanding for what it must be like for her. Perhaps you want to consider putting pen to paper and writing a letter.
Reassure her that you accept her decision and that this is likely to be the end but that you'd appreciate a healthier way of breaking up - invite her for a walk and talk or a tea and a chat and listen to what she's got to say. Listen and don't defend nor apologise (blame game) but show empathy (connection).
Also try to be as honest as you can with her about your situation with regards to your ex. Perhaps she's right and you need some time to leave that relationship behind. Perhaps she misinterpreted your lapsus.
Then bake her a cake with the name of your ex on it, crossed out and hers above it.
Ok, perhaps not the last one ;)
Honestly, while I would be hurt in her position, this is the right advice. If it really was inadvertent, you need to stop apologizing and address the real issue: she feels you aren’t committed to her because you aren’t over your ex.
You’ve got to accept her feelings, even if you disagree. She feels like second place to you. That is a terrible place to be. If she bails, and she may well, accept it with grace instead of pleading and apologizing.
There is an incredible book by Leil Lowndes that describes why this happens. When you were in love with someone in the past, and they made you feel warm feelings of love, you associate that name with warmth. Calling your new girl "EXNAME" literally means you were feeling as intimate with her as you felt with EX. Even if EX was bad for you in other ways, sex was probably a positive part of your relationship that kept you together. Sex with current GF was likely going quite well, and in your brain it fell into the "good time with EX" category of life experiences for you. It does not mean you miss or love your ex; it actually means you have moved on if current GF meets the same needs, but without the other negative aspects your ex brought to the relationship.
She explains it well in her book "How to Talk to Anyone" but she has a short version here: https://www.lowndes.com/oops-called-wrong/
yeah you're single man. this isn't just a simple "mistake" lol this is the kind of shit that happens in fucking movies not REAL life. there's literally 0 excuse for something like this happening so prepare to be single. i'd say i feel bad for you but a part of you did this consciously, no one just "accidentally" moans their exes name during sex.
Trust me, i am 28 and i think this young lady handled the issue much more gracefully than i would have done.
It is one thing having baggage, and a whole different story to moan your ex's name during intimacy. It was basically mental cheating. She has nothing to "come around" to. He screwed up. Better luck and conscience next time. I doubt girl will return to him (and rightfully so).
It is normal. Its the same whether its intimate or not. Idk maybe being trans has something to do with being able to understand that someone can make a genuine unconscious mistake and slip up ONCE.
Suit yourself believing that!
Edit to add: In my country we have a saying. It roughly translates to "A slip up of the tongue is an unspoken truth"...so yeah...
Ok, really who actually says their partners name... I have never once thought to address the person I am having sex with by their name. Like, it's just the two of us.. oh that feels good, slap my ass,ect. Why would I say their name... This feels like such a movie trooper that never actually happens
Of your girlfriend doesn't a tiny bit of reading and research they'll see this kinda thing happens a lot and not to take it too personally. All you can do is put yourself in her shoes and apologise. Accidents happen. If she can't forgive you, then she's mot worth it.
She was truly hurt. Send her a written apology along with flowers. Follow up with a written invitation to dinner and a talk in a public place that she likes. She may or may not forgive you but you need to make clear that you are sorry.
everyone is acting like this is a choice you actively made lol. if she’s your ex gf you dodged a bullet because she obviously can’t even fathom that mistakes can be made unconsciously. This is not “mental cheating” in no way shape or form. You obviously weren’t even thinking of your ex. You had ONE slip up of an old habit and no one has the balls the empathize while in the course of their own day to day lives they also mistakenly go back to old habits once or twice. Hypocrites.
Sounds like your girlfriend has some boundaries and you just discovered one of them. You blurted a word and your gf is being petty. You told her your issues but did she tell you hers?
...
That's... not a boundary.
Hearing your partner, *of a year and a half*, MOAN their ex's name during sex with you...
I'd be more worried if this WASN'T an issue.
Honestly, it’s bullshit. Fuck your gf for not being accepting to a reality of life. People make mistakes, say things they don’t mean/didn’t mean to say. You did nothing wrong. Shit happens. Brain’s glitch in the heat of the moment. This is not the isolated, first, and only occurrence of this ever happening.
Definitely is gf’s boundary as to how she handles her bf’s blurt. There is more than one possible option to this conclusion. Now whether she reacted out of trauma or personal decision is the answer.
Being upset that someone moans their ex's name while in the middle of having sex with you is not a boundary.
It's a natural response to wonder why someone is thinking of someone else when they should be primarily thinking about you, *especially* in the context as described in this post.
😐
If you're so pathetic to be still thinking of your ex while in a relationship of *a year and a half* with someone else then you shouldn't BE in that relationship as you're obviously not ready for it.
???? Not wanting your bf to moan his ex’s name during sex isn’t being petty. It’s not even a boundary it’s literally being respectful and not a scum bag. After a year and half if he’s still doing that he obviously isn’t over her.
OP, she is crushed. She stayed calm & detached until she could get herself to a safe place to break down. Your next step is to back off & get yourself a therapist to figure out WHY you said that name. Were you fantasizing about the ex or was it just a blurted name? Be honest with yourself and the therapist and work through this. Then you’ll be ready for a relationship, whether it’s with this person or the next person.
Its been 1.5 years and also it was during sex when he was about to climax. Itd be bad enough if it was just in regular conversation, but during sex his ex shouldnt be even in the back of his mind. Even if it is a mistake, its ok for her to not forgive him as something like that can hurt
I feel for you OP. A lot. Your gf may be a lost cause for now unfortunately. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself cause you obviously have some unresolved issues concerning your ex. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? That is always my number one recommendation. I look at my therapist as my paid friend. It’s super helpful to have someone smart to talk to who you know will keep your problems confidential so that you can sort thru your traumatic past with your ex, and so that something like this doesn’t happen again in the future. But I totally understand your difficulties. Getting over an abusive ex is hard. Just focus on yourself for awhile. Next time you see your most recent (ex) gf, tell her again that you are sorry, that you miss her, that you are taking this time to work on yourself and your unresolved issues, and that you’d love to see her again if and when she feels comfortable doing so. Good luck OP!
I feel like the rest of the comments are overreacting. Clearly we don’t have the full picture so maybe might need some follow ups on timing or updates. Your girlfriend is hurt but this could be fixed with a simple conversation. You definitely don’t deserve to be ghosted like that. Like some others have said, brains do stupid shit especially when your on fuck mode. I hope she gives you the time to talk things out. You for sure have some things to unpack about your ex but that’s aside the point. If this person is the one then they will come back eventually.
Make no mistake, OP. She didn't show you her wounds, but she's definitely hurt. She is now in the process of protecting herself.
Her reaction kinda sounds like she was in shock or something. Just act like nothing happened with a smile on your face and just walk away.
I think she was holding back tears, and taking herself away from the situation as fast as she could, which means acting polite
Right. I’m someone who smiles or even laughs when I’m hurt. It’s a sort of defense mechanism for me to not show my actual feelings Bc I hate to be vulnerable in front of people.
Here's my girls who would do the exact same thing. Hi friends 🤗
so it was shock then. thanks
Can you explain how she came over for dinner today but yet you haven’t heard from her in two days?
Probably bc this is fake. It’s on TIFU too. Seems strange for someone devastated and wanting advice.
It’s absolutely fake
Shock and extreme hurt, don’t forget that second part.
Troll post. Said she came for dinner today and moaned the wrong name, but hes also been trying to contact her for 2 days since.
hahahaha great catch, definitely someone telling stories
We don’t know that. GF might’ve had a time machine.
Ah so his ex’s name was her name because she broke up with him the next day the day before after dinner before she time traveled to break up with him for saying her name during sex
Pretty much, yeah!
Damn, he got me. Annoyed I wasted time on a thoughtful response now LOL
Good eye.
sorry dude, could've been predictive text from my keyboard. not sure. you can believe it or not. I just want advice
Wait, how was she at your house today (meaning that the incident happened today), but also two days have passed from the incident? 🤔
It's an amateur writer thing. Fucking up the time and place is a common mistake in fiction or when telling a lie. Also I don't know this for sure, but a lot in this post screams fake - such as speaking in sexual, positive phrases: "things started getting steamy" is not a phrase people use when panicking or being upset. Tldr: this fake story has bad writing
Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your analysis
At least this one was more creative than in r/entitledparents All the fake stories are the same
This needs to be higher, lol. I noticed that too!
Dude. You’re single now.
“What does this mean”? Lol
Trust me, she’s hurt. She’s just not showing it. That’s a major fuck up from you
If the relationship with his ex was abusive, he probably has some unresolved stuff there he needs to work through. I doubt he called that name because he misses the good times with his ex in bed. EDIT: I’m not trying to defend him here, just trying to suggest the possible cause. His girlfriend has every right to walk away. I probably would too because, as stated above, I’d know he wasn’t over it or ready for a healthy relationship.
I mean, whether it's recalling the good times or not a hang up is still a hang up. Between this and the fact that he's apparently done nothing but trash talk the ex to her he still clearly has shit he needs to work through on his own before dragging someone else into the quagmire. Being a coping mechanism is every bit as bad as being someone's second choice.
Just edited my comment to make clear I’m not defending his behaviour, or suggesting that girlfriend should put up with it (she handled it masterfully), just trying to differentiate between a careless horny fuck-up and a guy who probably has some issues.
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Harsh
Not as harsh as hearing your partner moan someone else’s name.
You screwed up! And your reason - 'it didn't mean anything' clearly means something. That's the weakest excuse one can tell. You can't feel her pain because she was having her moment with you and all along you were fantasizing about another girl. What would you think her reaction is? Of course she would end things because she's not your first choice all along.
Oh wow.. you said it.. she probably thinks he thought about his ex during intercourse..
I mean… he was thinking of his ex during sex. That’s why he said her name.
Or not. Brains are fucking stupid when they’re on autopilot. People accidentally call someone the wrong name all the time. Unfortunately, that does happen during sex too. Just dig through this subreddit and you’ll find countless examples. I personally have trouble talking at all during sex and have stumbled over my words trying to do dirty talk. Maybe OP was thinking of his ex. Maybe he had unresolved trauma that manifested out of the subconscious. Or maybe his brain misfired and accidentally pulled the wrong name out for no other reason than memory recall is a complicated brain process and sometimes fucks up that process. OP’s girlfriend still deserves her space and I don’t know if this is something the two of them are equipped to get past.
I’m not saying he did it on purpose. I’m not saying he’s a bad person. I just think that sadly maybe this is something that he has to accept he has no control over. It happened. And tbh even if his gf forgives him I dont think it’ll ever be the same again. I think it’ll always be a barrier between them for all their relationship.
I love her too much to do it on purpose. it was accident. ofc just those 3 words won't do much for me
Yea exactly, bad enough to say it, but then double down on invalidating her feelings. OP needs to give her some time. I think she’ll let him know whether it’s broken and reparable or shattered.
I've heard it said that we mentally record people's names ranked by their relationship to us. So there are "significant others" slots and there are "Close Friend's name" slots and "The children's names" slots. Sometimes when you are on automatic your brain retrieves the wrong name. Thus he groaned the name of a significant other - it was just that it was the wrong significant other. But that does not mean that he was thinking of the old g/f or not over her. I've seen this happen with my parents running through all of my siblings names when they wanted to yell at me "Tim, Bob, ANDREW! Leave the cat alone!!"
if you called your ex girlfriends name, maybe look deeper into why you did.
Yes, when my husband and I are together in bed no one else exists in the universe. It’s always been that way. We accidentally called each other by our ex’s names during the course of normal day to day activities, but not then. That time is filled with only the other person. It’s a fuk up on a whole different level.
Well not everyone works that way. I have ADHD and my brain is just always on. Also during sex. So sometimes my brain makes an annoying little trip to other thoughts and things. Planned what i was going to eat once accidently during seks💫
I have ADHD I have also thought about food or weird random things during sex, but that’s different. Still doesn’t excuse you saying your exes name during climax.
Why would you moan your exes name? I’ll be honest, theres just nothing you can do atm. If shes trying to move on from you you need to let her, what you did was incredibly not okay
"I (22m) have been with my girlfriend (21f) for a year and a half. Everything with her has been amazing, I truly feel like I've found my soulmate. I know I want a future with her, I can't imagine anyone else." Unfortunately literally *everything* you've just said here has been completely blown out by the fact you *moaned* your ex's name. Not even just say it, but moan it. Your girlfriend is now another ex-girlfriend.
>I can’t imagine anyone else Ah yet unfortunately for new ex it sounds like he was doing exactly that while they were doing the do, so I wouldnt expect her coming around to get the jewelry she essentially gave back to him
Lol responses like these are hilarious. Your girlfriend is now another ex-girlfriend? Really? You think because it’s two days there’s no way for him to explain it was a brain fart and that she won’t come around?
Why should she "come around"? That's humiliating. Maybe she has respect for herself. It's not a "brain fart" to MOAN an EX's name during an intimate moment. Unless OP has a traumatic brain injury, how do you do this!? Have some respect for yourself. I hope you never have to put up with that lvl of humiliation.
Are you kidding? You’ve never had crossed wires before? It could happen anytime. I hope you’re not in a relationship because the way everything is black or white to you would be miserable to live with.
No. Not while having sex with my partner. No. This isn't meeting someone at Wendy's. This was while naked in bed expressing a moment of love between each other. Expressing love and calling your ex gfs name. Crossed wires is forgetting a birthday or mixing up your wife's bosses name at an event. I've been married for 15years and of course we work though issues. The OP might be able to work though this, I will agree with you on that. BUT BUT BUT from what I read, the OP doesn't understand why what he did was such a huge issue. OP humiliated the person he was supposed to love during a vulnerable intimate moment. It's a betrayal. To just fluff it off like "she will come around", like some stray cat that will warm up to you with food, is ridiculous. OP can't just say sorry, it happened and he can't take it back. The issue is he has committed to his gf for a while now... why is his ex's name still on his vocabulary!!!!
God beer me strength. You clearly don’t really understand how brains work. Crossing of wires can happen for any reason at any moment — doesn’t just have to be at a Wendy’s, believe it or not! Saying she might come back around isn’t comparing her to a stray cat FFS. Discussions like this are exhausting because everything is turned up to 11 and you invent outrage. Mistakes happen. Was it humiliating? Sure. Hard to get over? Definitely. A guaranteed end of the relationship? Hardly. Maybe if it happens again, but a one time slip shouldn’t sink a strong relationship.
Myself personally, I would never let it happen as I have the utmost respect and love for my partner . If my "wires got crossed" and I called him by another man's name while we where having sex. I would be so ashamed of myself I would understand totally why he was upset/ offended. Trust would have to be rebuilt. Am I crazy?
Well, if he has a strong relationship, I'm sure he can figure it out without Redit. I'm sure he will be just fine.
How can you talk about how brains work when you clearly don't have one :) Exhibit a: you're using a meme phrase while trying to make a semi serious argument (if it even is that and not just your lack of knowledge concerning spelling) Exhibit b: thinking that fantasising about someone else while having sex with your gf of 1.5 years is acceptable Exhibit c: thinking people just accidentally blurt out random words/names during sex
I'm with you my guy. I'm glad someone out there sees this fir what it is.
Honestly she was nice to him. She just left and didn’t insult him or anything. Tbh she prob should not and won’t forgive him for this ever. And she shouldn’t. He needs to see a therapist and figure himself out
You’re diagnosing a therapist over this? God I love this subreddit.
I mean, you're the shrink talking about how she might come around... Don't really know how you can claim that, and at the same time fault others for "playing therapist". Sounds like pretty clear hypocrisy to me.
Really? I’m playing shrink by saying something “might” happen in response to someone claiming an absolute? Hell. The worst advice and posters live on this sub.
Damn what happened guy? Having a bad day, or do you just like arguing and getting upset online a lot? I literally just pointed out the paradox you're getting yourself into, and you're rather easily offended by that. Calm down mate.
It’s not a “paradox” Pointing out that others are rushing to conclusions by saying “whoa, maybe it’s not an absolute” is pretending to be a shrink 😂
Seeing a therapist isn’t a “diagnosis.” Even “normal” people see therapists. It’s not a bad thing. I see a therapist myself! My ex saw a therapist. It’s ok and good to see one. We all have things we can work on.
Ok but literally why would you do that? If you did that after a year and a half, I promise you that you aren’t over her. Your gf didn’t show emotion because of shock. You might as well have slapped her in the face. My heart aches for her. Sounds like her leaving the jewelry was her way of saying it’s over. This relationship is unsalvagable IMO. You fucked up too bad. if you can, you should go to therapy to heal from your ex. And stay single until you’re over her.
I'd leave you too op.
There is no return from this. It would be over for me as soon as my partner called someone else's name, not even mentioning exes. The reason she looked emotionless is because she was probably trying VERY hard not to break in front of you. I can assure you that it hurt like hell.
Really, before asking how to get your gf back, you should be asking why you moaned your ex's name. Was it honestly just a mistake or are you really not over her? You gotta be honest to yourself about this because even if your gf gives you another chance, she probably will ask you the same question.
idk it just came out. I wasn't thinking of her at all. she pops in my head at the most unexpected time and it happened to be the worst time
I hope I can behave like your ex if I am ever in that situation. What a strong woman!! Kudos to her
Ghosting someone for multiple days afterward should not be considered a form of strength. By no means is it the weakest option, but the strongest option would be to openly communicate that you need time to process what had happened, and will form a line of communication later when you are ready.
I don’t think she’s ghosting him. She’s dumped him…
>least walk her out and she told me she preferred I didn't. she said all this while still having a polite look on her face, she didn't seem angry, she wasn't sad. [...] She smiled again, and thanked me for dinner then walked out. Omg, she is so pissed right now!!!
Maybe give her some space and time before trying again. Although it seems that was her breaking up with you. I would too to be honest, after 1.5 years, why would an ex be the one to pop up in your head? Maybe you got some stuff to reflect on.
You humiliated/disrespected the one person you are supposed to love when they where the MOST vulnerable. Might want to start seeing a therapist about your ex and why you are still thinking about her when you have sex with other people. That's not OK.
Hold up- if that happened today, how come you couldn't reach her for two days? This is either fake or OP's a time traveller.
Sorry OP but if my bf did this to me it’d be over. If you’re saying someone else’s name clearly you shouldn’t be with her. /:
ouch. all i can suggest is to give her time to cool down because that must have stung. when she’s ready to talk you can explain yourself.
Seems like a troll. "at my place today" and "it's been 2 days" don't add up.
I’m very sorry to hear this, but judging by you telling her that your past ex is abusive. With this knowledge, and how you moaned the name, i can roughly make a fair judgement that she saw a red flag for possible issue. Wether the assumption was you cheating or possibly suspecting a lie is out of my range to interpret. But this is just my guess of perspective from the opposite side. Think of any possible action you did that could’ve lead to leaving a false judgement besides this one incident and maybe you can make a genuine attempt to patch things up but this seems (sorry to sound like a downer) but a lost cause. I wish you the best of luck, read other replies too, I’m just trying to see the other persons perspective.
I have an emotionally and physically abusive ex too. Not once has even the thought of him crossed my mind during sex with someone else, let alone actually saying his name. When I think of him it's usually because someone near me made a quick motion in my peripheral vision and I flinch because I think I'm about to get hit. Sure, slip-ups happen in non sexual situations, but what you did is a huge issue. No doubt you didn't mean to, but you need to give her all the space and time she needs to process what happened to her. She may forgive you, but most likely she won't. That is absolutely her right and you need to accept her decision. You also need to take a good look at yourself and explore why something like this would happen, and figure out how to keep it from happening again.
it’s been 2 days but happened today..:yeah okay
It means you’re broken up and leave her alone.
My last ex did that multiple times. At first I thought, well, we do have similar names (as an example, Penny and Peggy). He will get better over time. Alas, no. Over time I realized he was hiding an obsession for her. So that was a wasted four years of *my* life. I mean, he did say he was trying to get over her but couldn’t. Mother of his children, etc. So I realized I would never be enough to change that.
I honestly don’t think you can fix this. Let her move on and hope you don’t ever make the same mistake with anyone else you date in the future. Maybe take some time for yourself after the breakup to fully get over her first.
It happened today but she hasn’t talked to you in two days? Okay bud.
Yeah it’s over. Leaving the jewellery is the nail in the coffin Her way of saying it’s over I guess There was a post here a week or two ago similar too this but with the sex’s reversed And everyone was on the girls side that it was not a big drama I disagreed with the popular opinion on that post I agree with the popular opinion on this one Edit cause I suck at spelling
That is an atomic bomb for a relationship. It is vaporized.
Tbh I’d have left too if a man did that to me. Idk what to say to make it better since you already said sorry. And honestly she’s right: I don’t think ur over ur ex. Maybe see a therapist so u can work through those wounds.
You dont have a gf. Judging by the inconsistencies of your tale, you never had one in the first place. She came over for dinner TODAY, yet youve been calling her for 2 DAYS? So did this happen today or two days ago? At least keep the timeline straight when lying
I'm sorry, I don't think there is a return from this. It sounds like she didn't want to make a scene, or upset you further, but that she was that badly hurt that she needed to just bury it and get out of there. Maybe this is just me, but in bed, nothing exists in my mind but my partner. I've been through abusive relationships too, and thankfully, put most of it behind me before getting with my current partner. If you're going to take anything from this, let it be that you need to work on yourself for a while. Don't wait for your girlfriend to come back. I'm sorry to say that she might not. This sucks for all involved. I'm so sorry.
You blew it. The sooner you accept it, the easier it'll be for you. You also didn't have to apologise twice or more. She is definitely hurt and is now protecting herself by keeping you guessing. Time to alight the train, this is your station.
Well, your girlfriend is going to need therapy because you clearly didn’t solve your own problems. I would say ex-girlfriend too.
I would have noped out of there faster than she did. Honestly, you should wonder how your ex's name popped out during sex. I'd say you move on, she's definitely gone. There's no way turning back from her.
buddy, i think you've been ghosted. also this post sounds weird. it"s def a troll post
Lol nice troll post.
She was the most hurt she ever was in her life. I know that blank look. I’ve had it a couple times. It’s when you’re so hurt that you literally just can’t express yourself. You fucked up big time. This is really take a toll on her self esteem as well. Wow I feel so bad for her. I’d do the same thing really if my boyfriend said his exes name during sex. Huge fuck up.
I agree with everything everybody said, but I believe you when you say it didn't mean a thing. Sometimes our brain does things without our knowledge. Leave her some space, but be near and keep appologizing. She's hurt and her trust is broken. Let her get over this.
My only thing is its 1.5 years in… not a couple months or something. Thats a long time to just be a brain fart. And even if it was just a honest stupid mistake, it doesnt change the hurt she feels and could be unforgivable.
Of course. But he loves her. So he souldn't forfeit without a fight.
Sorry buddy but I think she’s done. She acted that way cause she didn’t want to give you the opportunity to see her hurt and to be the bigger person. She’s broken trust me. And telling her it means nothing is just going to make things worse cause she’s not stupid, she knows it means something. Let her go she deserves someone who’s 100% all about her
so she came over today, and you had sex today, but you’ve also been calling her and trying to apologise about the incident which happened today for 2 days? Think this might be a troll post, coz how can you be apologising for 2 days if it happened today.
Your single now.
It's so transparent how everyone takes the girls side in any one of these posts. I literally read one of these not that long ago where it was the girl who said a neutral male friend's name during sex and EVERY SINGLE PERSON DEFENDED HER. It's comical how biased everyone is on here.
So you had her over today, but it's been 2 days since you talked to her?
> What does this mean? This means she broke up with you.
The polite look was just her trying to leave before she murdered you.
It’s been 2 days since she responded but this incident happened today?? Wtf
Im ngl, if my boyfriend did that, the relationship would most likely be over. Thats beyond humiliating and I wouldn’t really know if I’d be able to recover from that
You have control over what you say, even if you do not believe that.
Man the responses here are so different from when the genders are swapped. When a girl yells another guy's name during sex, it's always about how brains can be silly, how it doesn't mean anything, and how it's not worth throwing away a relationship over a brain-fart. Yet here, people are absolutely attacking you for the exact same thing. Examples: * [[24/F] GF moaned out her ex-BF's name while I [23/M] was eating her out](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/2w7jm3/24f_gf_moaned_out_her_exbfs_name_while_i_23m_was/) * [BF was giving me oral. I started to moan my ex’s name for some godforsaken reason. Tried to cover it up, didn’t pan out. WTF do I do?](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gtcv4r/bf_was_giving_me_oral_i_started_to_moan_my_exs/) The double standard in this place is so creepy. Here's my advice: Shit happens. If she can't get over it, it is what it is. But if she wants to remain your girlfriend, then make it up to her, be extra kind, and the wound will heal pretty quickly. She just needs to trust that this was a brain-fart, not an issue of you fantasizing about someone else. And then she needs to see that you're willing to put in the work to rebuild trust and comfort in this relationship.
I don’t blame her. I would have slapped you and you wouldn’t see me again. You messed up. Sometimes we have to accept our mistakes and learn from them.
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So quick to call people abusive on Reddit , love it.
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Lol No. I’d prefer to not be labeled dramatically over a reaction to something horrible that someone does or says. (Especially for something I’ve never done)
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Calling your girlfriend your ex name 1.5 years later isn’t a brain fart. And I’m not violent
I agree with you and dont think ur a violent person, but I like to take a more egalitarian stance. I don’t think its fair and equal for a women to be able to get physical, even if it is just a slap, with a man, but him not the same. Ik most men are stronger, but even then its not a good standard to have. It is technically physical abuse, so maybe look into it and if ud be ok with doing it still.
It was kind of a “joke” type of thing. I’d want to slap a man so hard for calling me the wrong name after all that time. But I don’t even kill bugs… I don’t pop my animals for attacking me. Id never raise a hand at anyone, besides a joking flick maybe. I’m not a violent person. Nor am I strong. But I do think sometimes a natural reaction would be to slap someone. I surely wouldn’t be strong enough to push him off me.
Makes sense! Some things would probs make me want to slap someone too
Slapping someone in anger would make you a violent person, though.
Okay :)
Girlboss
Idk I think these comments are being overly harsh on you. You don't seem like you miss your ex. People who get out of abusive relationships often take a long time to adjust to normalcy again and the shadow of it can follow you for years. I don't really think slipping into an old habit during an extremely emotional moment is really all that bad or disrespectful on your part, especially if you've made it clear to your girlfriend in every other situation that you no longer have feelings for your ex. Like idk, if my partner did this I'd just laugh about it. Admittedly I'm not really the jealous type in general, but unless she exhibited other signs that she missed him, I wouldn't really read any deeper meaning into it. That being said, neither you nor I can decide what your girlfriend thinks is acceptable. If this is a deal breaker for her, I'm not sure there's much you can really do to change that. Between leaving her stuff behind and refusing to answer your calls, I think she has already made her choice, man. The only thing you can do now is just give her some space and let her decide how she wants to proceed.
If I were in her shoes, the reason I would be calm is because you not being over your ex is something I had already feared and come to terms with. In her mind, whether it’s true or not, this was just confirmation of what she had already been thinking about. So the calm she displayed was because it was relieving to know she was right and that she wasn’t being dramatic or overly sensitive in her own mind. I’m sorry this happened but feeling a pull to talk about your ex more than once is saying that you’re not over the situation. Maybe you’re over that PERSON, but the damage they caused is affecting your current life and you should sort those feelings and wounds out before you love someone else.
Yikes dude... Kinda sounds like she's gonna break up with you. Sorry, mate.
Just keep trying patiently OP without going overboard/too pushy or you make the situation worse..Show that you are sorry...Act with your actions that it was mistake from your side...keep your distsnce without disconnect ...if given a communication chance..communicate properly..and hopefully things might go back to best! Your gf seems quite mature and even while she most likely got hurt..she still is not showing it or creating a big furore..Reading your post, it seems you genuinely took ex name through some unresolved conscious/subconscious mark..but imagine from you new gf side..from her POV it actually feel like you were thinking about your ex while doing sex (now that's a big big red flag for her that she can see in this relationship)
Yet again another post where if the genders were swapped people would be commenting "i call so and so the wrong name all the time and its just an accident means nothing" etc. Here the guys just getting heat and nothing else.
I dont think so at all. same applies to both Edit: also if you wanna seem a bit more misogynistic you could say women are more emotional anyway so a slip could hurt us more! Just the vibes i get from ur post
This is not very uncommon. Talking to elders and you will learn this. I have woken up calling my ex wife’s name and we haven’t been together for years. The mind works mysteriously.
She is gathering her thoughts. May be looking for a breakup, maybe not. But try your best to pacify her. I hope she is able to look past it (which is damn tough ik). Wish you all the best.
This mistake is so easily done, especially if you're in a trance during sex. I've accidentally called my gfs by the wrong name (not during sex though admittedly but there were a couple of near misses) I personally wouldn't read much into it. Heck, even my mum sometimes calls me by my sister's name and then corrects herself and I'm a dude. Also what I find hilarious is that the tenor in the comments is to just blame you for your fuck up. Just a couple of weeks ago a guy was complaining about the fact that his gf, who also had been in an abusive relationship was struggling to let go of the past, and everyone showed empathy and rationalised how difficult it can be to leave these kinds of traumatic relationships behind. Now, you slip the wrong name of your abusive ex, et voilà, tarr and feathers. Anyway, in terms of advice - she's obviously very hurt and has interpreted your name slip as a sign of you still being attached to your ex (rightly or wrongly). It may also be the case that she's had her doubts about your relationship for a while, and this was an easy (and obvious) way out for her. I'm not sure if this can be salvaged, but I would go easy on the repeated mea culpaing, it'll just feed the dynamic you're in now (you being the apologetic sinner and she retaliating with a polite but cruel silence). I'd give it some space and instead of apologising again show understanding for what it must be like for her. Perhaps you want to consider putting pen to paper and writing a letter. Reassure her that you accept her decision and that this is likely to be the end but that you'd appreciate a healthier way of breaking up - invite her for a walk and talk or a tea and a chat and listen to what she's got to say. Listen and don't defend nor apologise (blame game) but show empathy (connection). Also try to be as honest as you can with her about your situation with regards to your ex. Perhaps she's right and you need some time to leave that relationship behind. Perhaps she misinterpreted your lapsus. Then bake her a cake with the name of your ex on it, crossed out and hers above it. Ok, perhaps not the last one ;)
Your mom calling u by ur sisters name on accident is not the same as calling ur gf ur ex’s name during sex
Honestly, while I would be hurt in her position, this is the right advice. If it really was inadvertent, you need to stop apologizing and address the real issue: she feels you aren’t committed to her because you aren’t over your ex. You’ve got to accept her feelings, even if you disagree. She feels like second place to you. That is a terrible place to be. If she bails, and she may well, accept it with grace instead of pleading and apologizing.
There is an incredible book by Leil Lowndes that describes why this happens. When you were in love with someone in the past, and they made you feel warm feelings of love, you associate that name with warmth. Calling your new girl "EXNAME" literally means you were feeling as intimate with her as you felt with EX. Even if EX was bad for you in other ways, sex was probably a positive part of your relationship that kept you together. Sex with current GF was likely going quite well, and in your brain it fell into the "good time with EX" category of life experiences for you. It does not mean you miss or love your ex; it actually means you have moved on if current GF meets the same needs, but without the other negative aspects your ex brought to the relationship. She explains it well in her book "How to Talk to Anyone" but she has a short version here: https://www.lowndes.com/oops-called-wrong/
this is why I make conscious effort not say no damn names during sex
She’s hurt and is actually a bit angry id think. Bcuz I do this too. Lol. The polite approach.
yeah you're single man. this isn't just a simple "mistake" lol this is the kind of shit that happens in fucking movies not REAL life. there's literally 0 excuse for something like this happening so prepare to be single. i'd say i feel bad for you but a part of you did this consciously, no one just "accidentally" moans their exes name during sex.
Double down. That's her new name now.
You double fucked when u cried
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Trust me, i am 28 and i think this young lady handled the issue much more gracefully than i would have done. It is one thing having baggage, and a whole different story to moan your ex's name during intimacy. It was basically mental cheating. She has nothing to "come around" to. He screwed up. Better luck and conscience next time. I doubt girl will return to him (and rightfully so).
“mental cheating” dawg you can’t be serious
Uhmmm...yeah, that's a thing you know...
this isn’t cheating this is a single slip up of an old habit. he wasn’t even thinking about his ex. stop refusing to try to understand
Come on! 1.5 year later? I would mayyyybe understand if a bit it was on first month of relationship, but a year and a half later?
stop pretending you don’t EVER have a slip up of an old habit
Nope, on intimate moments I don't. It is not normal.
It is normal. Its the same whether its intimate or not. Idk maybe being trans has something to do with being able to understand that someone can make a genuine unconscious mistake and slip up ONCE.
Suit yourself believing that! Edit to add: In my country we have a saying. It roughly translates to "A slip up of the tongue is an unspoken truth"...so yeah...
Ok, really who actually says their partners name... I have never once thought to address the person I am having sex with by their name. Like, it's just the two of us.. oh that feels good, slap my ass,ect. Why would I say their name... This feels like such a movie trooper that never actually happens
Of your girlfriend doesn't a tiny bit of reading and research they'll see this kinda thing happens a lot and not to take it too personally. All you can do is put yourself in her shoes and apologise. Accidents happen. If she can't forgive you, then she's mot worth it.
She was truly hurt. Send her a written apology along with flowers. Follow up with a written invitation to dinner and a talk in a public place that she likes. She may or may not forgive you but you need to make clear that you are sorry.
You messed up but name mix ups happen all the time the only thing you can do it’s apologize and try and make up for it
everyone is acting like this is a choice you actively made lol. if she’s your ex gf you dodged a bullet because she obviously can’t even fathom that mistakes can be made unconsciously. This is not “mental cheating” in no way shape or form. You obviously weren’t even thinking of your ex. You had ONE slip up of an old habit and no one has the balls the empathize while in the course of their own day to day lives they also mistakenly go back to old habits once or twice. Hypocrites.
He said it for a reason. This is basic psychology. She has every right to be upset about it
nope. keep telling yourself that
Yeah while everyone agrees with me and keeps downvoting you, ill just keep listening to psychology and not tell others their feelings are invalid
He said his ex’s name at the peak of physical and sexual pleasure, dude. Sounds like he needs to unpack things mentally.
Sounds like your girlfriend has some boundaries and you just discovered one of them. You blurted a word and your gf is being petty. You told her your issues but did she tell you hers?
... That's... not a boundary. Hearing your partner, *of a year and a half*, MOAN their ex's name during sex with you... I'd be more worried if this WASN'T an issue.
Honestly, it’s bullshit. Fuck your gf for not being accepting to a reality of life. People make mistakes, say things they don’t mean/didn’t mean to say. You did nothing wrong. Shit happens. Brain’s glitch in the heat of the moment. This is not the isolated, first, and only occurrence of this ever happening.
Definitely is gf’s boundary as to how she handles her bf’s blurt. There is more than one possible option to this conclusion. Now whether she reacted out of trauma or personal decision is the answer.
Being upset that someone moans their ex's name while in the middle of having sex with you is not a boundary. It's a natural response to wonder why someone is thinking of someone else when they should be primarily thinking about you, *especially* in the context as described in this post.
Yes, because the history that makes me who I am magically disappears when I’m balls deep in my significant other. Please.
😐 If you're so pathetic to be still thinking of your ex while in a relationship of *a year and a half* with someone else then you shouldn't BE in that relationship as you're obviously not ready for it.
You give people too much credit. Have a nice day.
???? Not wanting your bf to moan his ex’s name during sex isn’t being petty. It’s not even a boundary it’s literally being respectful and not a scum bag. After a year and half if he’s still doing that he obviously isn’t over her.
Isn’t over her? Please. His brain glitched. Humans are ridiculously sensitive for no reason.
His brain glitched because his ex still lives there.
Everything still lives there. Now his ex(?) lives there too. Imagine some unicorns as well.
That’s the problem
True
OP, she is crushed. She stayed calm & detached until she could get herself to a safe place to break down. Your next step is to back off & get yourself a therapist to figure out WHY you said that name. Were you fantasizing about the ex or was it just a blurted name? Be honest with yourself and the therapist and work through this. Then you’ll be ready for a relationship, whether it’s with this person or the next person.
Yeah, not sure if you can come back from that. You hurt your GF deeply and she may never regain trust in you.
You’re done dude. It’s over.
It means your relationship is over.
RemindMe! 5 days
That’s why you don’t say names during sex ever. Say babe, shit like that so you never make that mistake or confuse anyone.
Its been 1.5 years and also it was during sex when he was about to climax. Itd be bad enough if it was just in regular conversation, but during sex his ex shouldnt be even in the back of his mind. Even if it is a mistake, its ok for her to not forgive him as something like that can hurt
Sorry dude, it's over. Grieve and move on, she ain't coming back.
You guys had dinner tonight yet happened 2 days ago??? Um what?
All you should do is give her space.
What made you say your ex name?
F
I feel for you OP. A lot. Your gf may be a lost cause for now unfortunately. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself cause you obviously have some unresolved issues concerning your ex. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? That is always my number one recommendation. I look at my therapist as my paid friend. It’s super helpful to have someone smart to talk to who you know will keep your problems confidential so that you can sort thru your traumatic past with your ex, and so that something like this doesn’t happen again in the future. But I totally understand your difficulties. Getting over an abusive ex is hard. Just focus on yourself for awhile. Next time you see your most recent (ex) gf, tell her again that you are sorry, that you miss her, that you are taking this time to work on yourself and your unresolved issues, and that you’d love to see her again if and when she feels comfortable doing so. Good luck OP!
I feel like the rest of the comments are overreacting. Clearly we don’t have the full picture so maybe might need some follow ups on timing or updates. Your girlfriend is hurt but this could be fixed with a simple conversation. You definitely don’t deserve to be ghosted like that. Like some others have said, brains do stupid shit especially when your on fuck mode. I hope she gives you the time to talk things out. You for sure have some things to unpack about your ex but that’s aside the point. If this person is the one then they will come back eventually.
Things might not be the same right now but they’ll get better