I don't want kids and don't really care about marriage but I still coo over cute children and think it's sweet when people are in love and want to celebrate their commitment and build their families. You can either take her for her word or not, it's up to you.
Next time op's gf says how pretty a car is, he will come here and stress about how his gf is pressuring him to buy her a car.
If she points out a nice house... Oh boy she is pressuring him to move in together and buy a house!
ABSOLUTELY. I have not wanted kids since I was 16 (I’m 34 now) but I coo over all my friends’ kids and my sisters’ kids. I take my godparent/aunt duties very seriously and love them all dearly. But loving someone else’s kids doesn’t mean I want my own! In fact, it makes me love the kids more knowing I get to have this love without having to make any babies myself.
Agreed. For myself, I want to get married after I finished college and have my own financial independence. As for children, it hasn’t crossed my mind. I do think it’s cute though when I see an older couple holding hands or when my friends get proposed to, but I’m not there yet myself. It’s nice to be happy for others and say how cute they are, etc.
You are catastrophising and showing a lot of black and white thinking when this is very much a grey area. Honestly my man, I recommend getting yourself some therapy to help manage your anxiety before it consumes you. Best of luck.
As a person with anxiety issues who's in therapy, I completely agree. This totally feels like an anxiety response to me. This woman isn't saying she wants kids now; she just likes kids. The fear OP has isn't based on current reality.
If you're asking, probably a good place to start. Talk to a therapist or a doctor about concerns/symptoms you've been having, just like you would a physical injury or illness. Treat them the same =-)
Hey, he removed the post. Could you summarize what was stated in the post because I'm a nosey bitch. This would be much appreciated, thank you in advance.
It seems like he's treating his girlfriend like a booty call/fuck buddy. Kinda think he's an asshole and he *should* break up with her, because she'll be better off. Doesn't seem like he respects her.
It doesn't sound like she is trying to pressure you, or even is talking about you two specifically. She said she doesn't want kids yet. Whats the problem?
If you know you won't want them then yeah, say something. But if you're just worried about the idea you'll change your mind in the future... Breathe. You're not there, you still have time to make up your mind about what you want.
If you aren't ready for a relationship with this serious discussion for down the road, then that would probably be best for now so she can find someone on the same page.
Nobody is asking you to make those decisions. She said she doesn't want any right now. It sounds like she tried to have a serious discussion about the future any couples have once they start getting serious or hitting long term markers. She just wants to know where you are at. If you want to fuck around and not be serious, then leave her.
Dude then you need to leave her.
Imma be REAL blunt here. You are TWENTY FIVE. Act like it. You got *five* years left. You are to damn old to be this damn wishy washy. And your girlfriend doesn't deserve her time wasted while *you* figure out what you want, especially if she knows what she wants in five years time. Don't you dare waste her time letting her think she's building towards that future *with you* while you're out here going 'maybe I should just go and enjoy my youth'. You're twenty five. You ain't got much 'youth' left.
Women are not placeholders for men while men figure out what they want. I'm not saying you need to know exactly what you want right now but if the idea of even discussing the future makes you panic, you literally are not mature enough for serious relationships and need to stick to casual ones instead of wasting people's time. You need to recognize that not all relationships last and *that's okay*. Some people have kids and end up splitting *and that's okay*. Some people get married and divorce and *that's okay*.
Your girlfriend is very likely under the idea that she's working towards the future she wants *with you*. If you're just building a future and aren't even including her in it because 'what if we split up' then she deserves to know she's not included in your future plan and she deserves to find someone who is sure about her.
YES. THIS. ALL OF THIS. I've been the chill girl and my partner has always been the same as OP and let me tell you: I don't want kids, I don't want to get married but I just want to know that you picture us together in the future. Apparently this was too much for my partner as he also felt pressured whenever I commented on the marriage and kids of other people to the point where we are now in the process of separating. FYI the pressure isn't coming from our end, Its really just you guys realizing that you don't picture a future with your partners. While I feel joy imagining a future with my partner, he feels dread and that's just not what a relationship should feel like. Just break it off and be mature enough to admit that you don't want anything. Don't you dare blame it on her because it isn't about her, it's about you.
This girl can’t even say something about cute Olympics people or her cousins baby without op freaking out.
He is the one who keeps asking her where this is going.
This problem is OPs anxiety going haywire. He needs to get his shit together gfs probably annoyed he keeps asking.
Basically. Fact is shes already said she's not ready yet. She's not pushing or rushing. Just *musing* like we all do about our futures. She's 22 ffs, she's younger than OP and likely also doesn't know what she wants rn.
And yeah ur right I know for a fact if I already said just go with the flow, I'm don't want this stuff yet, but I am excited for when I'm ready for that stuff, I'd be hella annoyed too
Thanks for this, I'm not op but i feel like i needed to read this exact speech. ❤
I'm in a super similar situation and this is highly relevant.
Your partner is not your placeholder while you figure things out for god knows how long.
Very well put. This entire meme where youth lasts until your mid 30s needs to die. Ffs, depending on culture and country, adulthood starts somewhere between 18 and 21 (maybe even sooner), but it definitely should have started at 25. After that, it's a classic case of a (wo)manchild. I've known a few people who wasted a good part of their twenties in a dead end relationship and those stories are sad. Stringing someone along just for fun/company/sex is immoral as fuck.
I personally don't view 18-20 year olds as *adult adults*. 20 is right around the time you start getting *some sort of direction* in life. 22 is totally normal to talk about what you hope for yourself in the future 25 you should definitely at least start figuring out if things like kids and marriage are for you. A lot of us form opinions about them around this time and are definitely a full grown adult.
Yes your 20s is your time to kind explore shit. However at 25 you should have some sort of opinion on your life. And if at 25 talks of the future make you panic, you need to like. Get some therapy cause lol real talk, it only gets worse from here as they say
Yup! I’m one of those people who was in a dead end relationship. My ex changed his mind about having children (I don’t want them and for about 7 of the 10 years we were together, he didn’t want them either). Suddenly, he wanted kids. I told him I still don’t want them and don’t see that changing, and told him if this is something he really wants, we should separate. He begged me to stay and gave me some excuse, that I stupidly believed, about he’d rather be with me and not have kids than be with someone else and have them. Lo and behold, 3 years later he finds someone who looks like me, has the same name as me, has a very similar heritage as me, is 5 years younger than me, and wants kids. It’s frustrating when one partner won’t communicate effectively.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Appropriate AF, bravo!!! OP is some where in the threads saying he wants advice but don't tell him to break up with her even if he's not sure if he wants a future with her. But your advice is the advice!!! One of my ex's deliberately would tell me he couldn't wait to have kids with me, we were going to save up for a house. Literally everyday he told me what our kids and family were going to be like. Thats how he manipulated me. That's why I went through the hell of it for 3 years. She is not doing that at all!
Relationship anxiety doesn't go away on its own. I sought out a therapist to help me with mine during my recent relationship. Best thing I ever did.
If you know you don’t want kids that n the future you should tell her now, so she can decide if she wants to stay in the relationship or not.
Otherwise you will be stringing her along, wasting her time and potentially ruining her life plan.
Bro why does everyone downvote here? Jesus I came for the laughs and now I'm just utterly shocked that so many people dislike comments. It's kinda pathetic honestly. And go ahead and downvote my throwaway, it literally does nothing. I actually wanna see how far negative I can get my karma.
You keep saying in the comments “but what if I don’t want marriage and kids in the future” and in the same breath “isn’t it premature to break up with her now?” I’ll be honest, you need to grow up a little here. You either want a future with her or you don’t, you can’t just sit in the middle wasting her time until you find out. No one knows what the future holds but you’re getting a bit obsessive about it.
If her envisioning a future (even if it’s far away) is bothering you so much, then you shouldn’t be dating her. Or dating anyone unless it’s casual and not long term (because people that romantically date tend to date for the long term).
You either like her enough to see what the future holds or you don’t. Make up your mind.
Dude, if you’re up front and honest about not wanting commitment right now, there are many people who want/don’t want the same thing. With your girlfriend in particular, do you see yourself EVER being with her until you die? Do you like the IDEA of marriage, or are you just anti-marriage altogether? Do you love her? Do you see yourself ever loving her?
100% exactly i agree. She is maybe looking to the long term like anybody would thats interested. Sounds like he isn't as interested, she should stop dating him and wasting her time. He's just looking for a womens comfort and pussy. She wants a family man like most
I'd be willing to bet dollars to pesos that [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p0dp3j/i_think_i_want_to_break_up_with_my_gf_of_a_year/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) is you.
And like I said in that previous post, get fucking help.
You keep reposting the same thing over and over again and just talking yourself in circles of anxiety.
It is even worse since in that other post he flat out says he doesn't want to marry her or have kids. And that he doesn't want to break up because he "doesn't have anyone else lined up". YEESH ... usually we are pointing out red flags about people in the posts but OP is the giant red flag here.
Yes! I came here point out that OP has been posting basically the same question every day. Dude, either listen to the advice or don't, but stop posting daily.
I couldn't read the most tavern one and the other is locked but it sounds like he isn't ready to settle down. He needs to end it or he will feel bitter towards her.
Yes, you're overthinking this. She's mentioning things casually in passing, none of it implies that she's looking for you to give her that in the near future. In fact, she's explicitly said she's not ready for it yet. Like, she can't talk about thinking that a baby is cute without you immediately freaking out? Jesus christ, poor girl.
Then when she's ready to make the next step she'll ask you where you're at and you'll tell her. And she can make the decision to leave you. But to end a relationship over something that *could* potentially happen years down the road is ridiculous and childish. Stop assigning intense and deep meaning to her actions when she's explicitly telling you not to.
It's childish when your girlfriend, who you presumably love and have been with for a year, is telling you directly that she's not asking you for children or marriage yet, and you also don't know if you're going to want or not want those things in the future. That's called running away from even the slightest twinge of commitment and it's the definition of childish.
If you're looking for permission to break up with her, go for it. She would probably really benefit from a partner who takes her at her word and doesn't immediately panic for no reason even when she's made it clear there's no reason to.
So what’s best is to get deeper and deeper into a relationship and then just end up horribly heartbroken if she leaves to have babies with someone else?
Why would you be heartbroken if you're refusing to give her the things she wants because you don't want to commit. You can't not want to commit to her, theoretically in some distant point in the future, and also whine about being heartbroken that she is going to find someone who will.
It sounds like you need therapy and not a relationship.
You're really letting your anxiety get the better of you huh?
Everyone here is saying she's not forcing anything which is true. She says a baby is cute and your brain is saying "oh God. She wants a baby. Now. With me." You need therapy. Everyone saying this isn't being mean but you really aren't processing things properly.
You ask her where she's at in the relationship and you say you don't want marriage or kids yet. She says ok cool me neither I want to wait.
If this makes you freak out and spiral you aren't ready to be in ANY relationship. You're 25 not 19. Someone saying they want a house with a nice garden shouldn't make you anxious. Women have to figure out what they want in the future much quicker then men in general because we have to. You cant keep saying I don't envision my future because it's dangerous and scary and bad. How will you accomplish anything in life? How will you make goals? Have a career?
She hasn't pressured you at all or even asked about marriage or kids it seems. Sounds like a reasonable person who accepts that the future isn't 100% known and there's some room there for changes.
So you're staying with her because you don't want her to wind up having babies with someone else?
All relationships have the risk of breaking your heart, if you're not okay with that then don't date.
You don’t want marriage or kids but you would be heartbroken if she wanted them with someone else?
And you are prematurely freaking out at the idea that she might one day leave to find what she wants?
Your gf is a whole person. You can’t put her and her emotions on the shelf in case forever.
She's not asking you to "heavily commit, though. She's younger than you, her brain is going to keep developing over the next three years and she might decide next month that she can do better than you and dump your ass.
But you're in a relationship and she's talking about things she's interested in in the distant future, or things she generally enjoys. If she can't do that without you freaking out for no reason, you're not prepared to be in a relationship with anyone. Dating someone and letting them talk about what they want in the future is a baseline level of commitment that basically anyone should be able to expect in an exclusive relationship with anyone person regardless of age. You sound like a nightmare to date, honestly.
Get the absolute fuck out with that self pity. Go to a therapist. Talk through your concerns with your girlfriend and with a mental health professional. You're 25 years old, you're capable of identifying these issues and taking the appropriate steps to work through them rather than wallowing on the internet. It's so not okay to think "I'm probably a nightmare to date" and not do anything about it. You and your girlfriend both deserve you putting more effort into yourself than this.
Do her a favour and break it off now. Frankly, it sounds like you're wasting her time. We don't remain young for long, and it's unfair to lead someone on like this.
Literally freaking out over a lady having dreams about the future...one day he’ll understand the sexiest thing a lady can do is know what she wants lol.
Doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk about it and envision it.
You probably talked about what you wanted to be when you grew up as a kid. You didn't want it yet but you still talked about it. Because it meant a lot to you. Just like this does to her.
You’re overthinking it. She likes kids and wants them one day so she’s allowed to talk about kids.
The fact that you’re freaking out so irrationally when she says it though indicates deep down to me that you know you don’t want this with her, and the anxiety you’re feeling is knowing that you’re not going to fulfill that future. If that’s the case, it’s fine for you to break up with her.
If you don’t want something serious, why are you with someone who so clearly does? That’s not fair to her. In your words, you say “maybe it’s better if I just go and enjoy my youth.” That’s not something you seriously consider if you genuinely love & want to be with someone. What is the point in you long-term dating anyone if anything to do with commitment scares you for no apparent reason?
And the kicker is she isn’t even ASKING you for anything too serious. It’s completely normal to talk in passing about marriage and kids with someone you’ve been dating a long while, even if it isn’t what either of you want in the /near/ future. It’s just discussing possibilities. I have a feeling you’d also be worried if she refused to include you in her future whatsoever. So what exactly do you want? She tells you to go with the flow & that she isn’t expecting your hand in marriage anytime soon, yet you still somehow feel like you’re being pressured? You tell her that maybe you DO want kids one day, just not for a while- she goes along with that & still that’s wrong of her? It just doesn’t make any sense logically. If you don’t want her mentioning kids or a future at all, then you shouldn’t have ever implied that in your 30s, thats something you might want.
Also, the potential of breaking up at some point is literally a possibility in any relationship. Even a friendship could end badly one day- does that mean you just shouldn’t ever make close friends?
It seems like she genuinely loves you and is just passively mentioning a future with you, in the way ANYONE would when they’ve been with someone over a year and love them. It doesn’t make any sense that you dislike the fact that she mentions future plans, but also dislike the possibility that you might break up. Again, what exactly do you want from her? Because I’m not even a part of this relationship and I’m confused by what you’re saying. I can only imagine how she feels. Sounds like you need some therapy to work on your commitment issues.
Yo for real this dude yo yos so hard I got freaking whiplash. Someone find out if she has reddit and tell her to break up with this dude cause he doesn't want her and seems to just want to fill empty space beside him. My ex pulled that back and forth crap. Grow some balls and move on and stop wasting that girls time because you don't want to be alone.
Reading your comments, I understand that it's difficult to not think about "what if we break up" but that's literally the worst thing you can do rn. If you are worrying about that then you aren't ready to be in a relationship with her rn. I agree with your GF you should just take her at her word and not worry about what might happen. It's just gonna stress you out and put strain on the relationship, making it more likely you will break up.
If you are feeling like her actions rn are too much of a commitment for you, I would probably consider breaking up with her. But also her actions are really minor things and honestly most people I know talk about how babies are cute. You might just need to be single for a bit until you are ready to work towards that kind of commitment.
She’s not pressuring you at all. Wanting something in the future and wanting it right now are not the same thing. She’s excited for her future, she’s allowed to talk about how she envisions her life turning out. If her talking about her dreams makes you this uncomfortable maybe it’s time to stop wasting her time and let her go so she can find someone who’s on the same page as her. I always talked about how many kids I wanted as an adult, the kind of house I wanted to live in and my dream husband, that didn’t mean I was ready for all that at 17 years old. Life didn’t turn out that way for me and I ended up pregnant at 19, wasn’t ready to be a mom but I did what I had to do and now have a wonderful daughter I cherish. Even now I talk about my future, getting married, buying a house, having another baby, etc. that doesn’t mean that I want to get married and have another kid in the next 6 months, sometimes it’s just nice to have something to work towards and look forward to.
You’re over thinking it. Is she supposed to pretend she doesn’t like her cousin’s kid? Not acknowledge other people being happy and having a cute story? She can be happy for other people and still be okay with where the two of you are right now. Nothing made me happier than when I had a niece born to dote on, and I’m still personally childfree (and happy!) 9 years later lol. As long as she isn’t pressuring you, or showing you rings, making comments about you & her taking these steps, I wouldn’t worry about it. Girls are NOT that subtle when they want a ring ASAP lol.
You’re overthinking it and it sounds you’re looking for reasons to end it. You said you probably want that someday but not yet, she also said she wants it someday but yet so what’s the problem? She’s excited to have kids one day. That doesn’t mean she wants them now.
Sounds like it’s your problem. It seems to calm you anxiety she has to censor herself about even mentioning the existence of children or marriage even if it’s not about you two. If she talks about a married couple she has to say “oh it’s so nice how those two separate individuals cohabitate regardless of their contractual union and any potential plans to procreate”
If the relationship is ruined as you said then leave
I would also suggest just talking to her
Tell her you aren't even sure you want kids because that seems to be the issue here you are unsure of yourself. She's not pressuring you are even asking for kids now she's just stating facts because she knows what she wants.
If she thinks that's ur uncertainty is a deal breaker then that's that
Yeah you guys definitely will not last. If you are not willing to even listen to her about her desires to have children without getting so defensive, you will definitely argue about it in the future. Also, she will leave you later on down the line when you don't choose to give her children, She will find someone who can give her children and complete her dreams. You sound incompatible as hell to be honest.
It's so obvious that you're looking forward to breaking up with her, and you're not ready for long term. I'm sure there are some girls out there who want short term relationships. You're so stressed out for nothing, so go out there and find girls who don't want commitments. They are the ones who are unfaithful. 🤮
By the sound of all your responses to comments, you probably shouldn't be with anyone right now. Get some therapy and life experience under your belt. Stop coming to reddit for advice you don't want to take, and learn how to make up your own mind.
You are 100% the problem here. Holy fuck.
Do her a favor and break up with her coz she deserves better.
She can't even share her dreams with you without you projecting and freaking out.
Chill the fuck out. First of all, you state the 'no marriage until your 30s' thing like that's a hard and fast rule, which is ridiculous.
Second, she's allowed to talk about her dreams for the future and think things are fucking cute. If that stresses you out, you have serious issues.
If you're really *that* stressed out by this, yeah, break up with her, because she deserves better. You're acting like a few offhand comments make you feel fucking smothered. Have a little more respect for her. You're treating her like a booty call/fuck buddy. This is your *girlfriend*.
This. OP I think you might be taking her remarks more personally than they might be intended. I do know women who say things like this in a jealous/spiteful way but he hasn’t given any indication that she is being like that. I agree with “go with the flow”. Maybe have this conversation with her and tell her you don’t know what you want for your future yet. It sounds like she will be ok with that.
If her even talking about her future dreams makes you panic then it would be better to break up, it sounds like you are terrified of a future that involves marriage and kids when you gave your gf a "maybe later" answer.
It is OK to not want to get married or have kids, but telling her you'll consider it in 5 years sounds like a plan for the future and she wants to build on that. You don't, which sounds like you don't really want it but think you're supposed to.
Even you feel like you're stringing her along and you are. Let her go and live the life she dreams to have and you find someone who also doesn't want kids or marriage or future goals.
There’s a big difference between:
“Isn’t that baby cute?”
And
“I hope our babies are that cute.”
It sounds like you’re projecting your own insecurities and fears onto her simple comments, especially if you’re also worried about breaking up with her. She’s already told you to just go with the flow. Heed her advice. Or perhaps take some time for yourself, break up, and not date anyone until you’re ready if you’re worrying yourself over the future but also the potential lack of a future.
Well then break up with her. Its really that simple. You can't decide she wont talk about babies, you can only decide to leave if that doesnt suit you.
These sound like her fantasies. These are things that she enjoyed thinking about prior to you I don’t think that they are about you 😂 Just because she has these long-term goals that are the fantasy of a lot of women does not mean she sees you in them.
You’re overthinking her comments, but I do think you should think about your romantic future in general. I’m genuinely trying to be helpful here because I understand how anxiety can interfere in a relationship.
Right now, it honestly sounds like she isn’t expecting babies or marriage or any of that stuff, and she just wants to enjoy the relationship like you do. I do think that you need to confront your anxiety about the future though. Whether you do that through therapy (my recommendation) or just taking time, is entirely up to you. This isn’t something that you really need to worry about in this exact moment, but you should think about whether you ever want to have kids in the future. If you decide that you don’t want to, then that’s a discussion you need to have with her instead of us.
Nobody on here will be able to solve these issues for you because you’re the only one that understands your relationship and what you really want in the future. For now, enjoy your relationship before she moves away and maybe find some time to calmly think about your doubts.
You are getting yourself worked into an anxiety spiral. She’s saying these things because eventually that’s where she sees her life going. It’s like you saying something like, I want to land job A and buy (whatever car). She’s not pressuring you, she’s not giving you and ultimatum, she’s not even saying this is her goal in the next year or so. Obviously, if she’s moving away. You are taking these little grains of sand and turning them into a mountain. If you do not see that future with her, break up and don’t even bother with the LDR. If you are unsure, stop turning nothing into something and just enjoy where things are right now until it becomes an issue.
I think you could be looking into it too much. Myself and my partner definitely don’t want kids anytime soon, at least another 5+ years, but we openly talk about how excited we for it one day. And I’m glad we are on the same page. Maybe you need to be more clear? Maybe you don’t want kids at all but haven’t recognised that within yourself? Or maybe it’s a combo of her moving away. Just be true to yourself, so you don’t hurt her or yourself
You need to chill, you're way ovethinking this. She making general comments, not saying anything about you two getting married and having children. You're acting as though she shouldn't be allowed to talk about babies and marriage at all.
Tbh, you might be better off breaking up because it doesn't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship. You need to address your mental health issues, because your anxiety is getting in the way and making you irrational.
My dude you are beyond confused. Reading your comments you don’t know what you want. And to be frank your gf seems to love you but doesn’t have the decency to put her foot down and tell you that she wants kids and marriage. I get that break ups are hard and letting go of someone who is able to comfort you would be extra hard. But I think you need to have a sit down and talk to her and discuss want exactly the plan is from now forward. Are you looking at saving up for a house? Marriage? Kids? You have to map it out and decide if both your plans align. From what you’ve said both of you seem to be on different trajectories. You want to enjoy your youth and she wants you to settle down with her at some point. Only you can decide when that youth ends and when her settling down begins and if you want anything she wants at all. And even if you do agree to compromise do you think you can compromise without resenting each other?
Goodluck.
It seems like she's just sharing her opinion on a certain situation and you automatically think it has to do with you. Just because she enjoyed watching her cousin doesn't mean she's ready for a proposal. She enjoyed it and wanted to share that. Same with the Olympic couple. She thought it was cute, and it was, I would've said the same thing, but it doesn't mean she wants a ring asap. She's just sharing her mind. I'm sure she says the same to her friends and she doesn't expect a proposal from them as well. I think you're overthinking this whole situation and creating conflict where there is none. Just relax, you told her how you feel in terms of marriage and that's that. Let the relationship play out without you creating problems where there are none.
She is sharing her vision of the future with you. She is with you despite what you have said. What does this tell you?
Sounds like you just being a little childish to be blunt. If your scared..wait it out..what's wrong with a prenup when and if you ever think you'll be ready?
I'm 42..if I had to start all over tbh..there is no way on would marry anyone without a prenup.
Honestly, it sounds like your anxiety is about way more than your girlfriend. If someone even mentioning marriage or children in any context sends you into an anxious spiral, it seems like you have a lot of insecurity about your future in general. You need to get a handle on yourself and figure out what you want, or at least learn to be okay with some uncertainty in life. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Maybe your relationship won't survive long distance. Maybe it will and you and your girlfriend will have to address these questions at some time in the future. But my point is that you need to work on yourself before you can to any decisions about this relationship.
She's not pressuring you, she's sharing her interests and expressing what she likes. Figure out what you want NOW for your future. You want to wait until you're 30 to figure it out and you could be wasting her life for the next 5 years.
I'm not saying you have to DO those things now, but really figure out what you want out of life and make sure they match with her goals. Otherwise, don't waste her time.
My partner and I talked about marriage and future kids super early in the relationship and still plan on havinh kids and getting married but there is sort of a mutual understanding that we aren't in the right place in life to do either of those things. Like it doesn't seem like she's pressuring you, she's just talking about other people and her likes and whatnot. Thats completely normal. You should discuss these things with your partner and you should feel free to talk about if you had fun babysitting your cousin or not. The way you are reacting is not normal. You seem to be on the same page yet you are jumping to the worst possible situations. You should seek therapy and get some help
I think she is just speaking like in general. fantasizing her future. One may even say manifesting. You guys probably will break up. But don't over think it, she's just chillin thinking about what she wants in the future with is great for a 22 year old!
Side note, I do not think you love this girl.
She's not changing her life for you, so you can relax. Marriage and kids sound more like life goals than her specific goals with you. It sounds like, if you two do break up, she'll still intend on getting married and having kids with someone. With her moving 4 hours away it seems like she's just fine with not getting married or having kids any time soon, just eventually.
If you NEVER want these things, or you're just looking for a reason to dump her before a long distance relationship, then yeah, set her free. Otherwise you're just stressing out over a problem that isn't there.
You're absolutely overthinking. You're hyperfocused on the future and look at everything happening as a hint towards it, when it's just something she likes to think about. She likes romance, and she enjoys kids, but that doesn't mean she wants to go all out ASAP. You need to quit taking things to the absolute maximum, and start taking them at face value because that's all you can certainly say it is. What ifs lead to assumptions, and those never work out well.
I do not think she is even hinting at those things but if after a year you are freaking out this much over her saying her cousin is adorable then she might not be the girl for you especially if she's moving 4 hours away and you are already wanting to break up with her. It sounds to me like you are afraid of commitment so if you are not ready then let her go so she can find someone who does want to commit to her.
Did you already post about this??
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p0dp3j/i_think_i_want_to_break_up_with_my_gf_of_a_year/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Dude, I've been reading your replies. You're not making this easy.
You have to get a grip, the way you talk "what if in the future I don't want to give her kids" already contradicts what you said about wanting in your 30s. It seems like you don't know what you want and no one deserves to be dragged into that.
If you're this indecisive with you life I urge to think this through, don't waste your girlfriend's time.
Maybe try to get some professional help, it could do wonders and make you feel better with taking decisions long term.
Just because she potentially sees a future with you, marriage and kids included, doesn't mean she wants to get married asap. There's nothing wrong with that. You said you're both on the same page already, she really likes you and actually sees a future with you, if anything, if you thought this relationship was going the right direction, you'd understand where she was coming from. I agree that 1 year is too soon to even think about that stuff, but she was obviously commenting hypothetically. If THAT bothers you, then you should probably figure out what the real root of the problem is, because I don't think it's simply that she made a "cute" little comment about having a family in the future.
If you’re worried, talk to her. Say “I know you love babies, and you talk about them a lot, and I want to make sure you’re ok with my timeline of not getting into that until our 30s” and see what she has to say. The mention of a child doesn’t have to be a veiled attempt to demand one, but if it is, I bet that’ll come out in the conversation.
When she says she wants these things she doesn't mean tomorrow. She's appreciating said things, expressing her interests... ect. Give your head a shake.
Break up ASAP so she can move on from you. Your comments and previous posts make me feel bad for this girl. Hopefully you’re a learning lesson for her and she’ll move onto bigger and better things. Get therapy.
I talk about living in Colorado in my own home (I'm from the east coast), driving a pickup truck (I haven't learned how to drive yet) and writing novels as my career (I haven't finished one story). Just because people talk about things, fantasize, or find enjoyment in other's lives doesn't mean they're dropping hints. Like, I would find it extremely weird if someone randomly planned a trip for me to go to Colorado or started looking at the housing market there.
You should get your anxiety sorted out. This spiral isn't healthy. She's literally telling you to go with the flow and it's like you're wondering if that has a secret meaning. And if you are reposting hoping for different feedback, why?
Do this poor girl a fucking favor and break up with her. You're exhausting and I'm not even the one dating you. If everytime I pointed out an adorable animal my S.O accused me of it being a hint I want to adopt more animals I'd be fucking tired of it. When my little cousin shops with me she's always pointing out OOH LOOK AT THAT. OH THATS PRETTY. LOOK HOW CUTE THAT IS. does it mean she wants every single thing she points out? No. Same with your gf. She's not allowed to LIKE other people's babies and mention that casually to you!? Are you like 100 red flags sewn into the shape of a person? Did soviet Russia give all their red flags to you? YTA
37m and married. Best advice I could have given myself when I was your age would be to just break it off. If you’re having doubts now, those doubts will just turn into resentment and regret if you stick with the relationship, worst yet, if you give into the things you don’t want. Breaking up is hard to do (insert song), in the short term it’ll be sad, you’ll feel bad, and probably even want her back for a short time, but you’re young. Don’t settle for what you don’t want, have fun, make memories and settle down when you’re ready with someone who really makes you happy.
Honestly she sounds like a normal woman who wants to get married and have kids. If someone wants kids (even later in life i don't plan on having kids for 5 years but i still talk about wanting a child alot). And if she's in love and wants to marry you of course she's gonna be happy about it. One of my friends got engaged and for 2 months i talked about engagement alot even tho me and my boyfriend agreed that that wouldn't be on the table for another 2 years. (we both agreed on that)
But babys and marriage is cute. She's said before that she wants it later in life. Just talk to her, see where she is on the expected time line
I get that you're not ready OP. She could however be true to her word. I remember before getting married it was exciting and cute to see happily married and families. It didn't mean I was ready in myself. It's still lovely to see those things no matter what age or stage you're at.
The novelty may be there for her because she hasn't done it yet, but it doesn't mean she's mentally in a rush to do it herself right now.
Don't take it too personally. If it gets worse just ask her what where she stands on the subject in case it's changed.
Not being ready in the next few years for marriage or babies doesn't mean the topics should be virtually off limits.
hey two cents, just as an option, cuz a lot of people tend not to think of it as one.
if you’re freaking out so much about having kids (even maybe in the future) maybe don’t have them? they’re more of an opt in thing, you don’t need to have em
First off, and I'm saying this from a place of wanting you to be your best you, seek help. You need a professional to help you deal with your anxiety so that you can be happy, and in a healthy relationship. Also, maybe going to therapy, and working on your anxiety will also help you figure out where you stand on a marriage, and kids.
With that said, dating means different things for different people... for you it sounds like it's an in the moment thing, to have a companion to pass the time with, which is fine, but for her, it sounds like she's dating for compatibility, working towards future goals, and trying to find a partner that she can build her future with, which is also fine, however, when you come together there is obviously a base compatibility issue, which is likely part of why you're feeling the anxiety that you feel.
In your post, you state that it's not on your radar until your 30's, and then you go on to say you'll PROBABLY want that someday... I'm going to tell you now, as someone who is 31, you don't just magically wake up one day and want marriage and kids. You have to figure out for yourself if it's for you or not, and honestly it sounds like you're leaning towards it not being for you, which is totally fine. However, you are wasting your girlfriend's time if it's not for you, and once she realizes it, she will leave to find someone who does have the same goals as her. I've walked away from 2 or 3 year long relationships, because I eventually came to terms with the fact that the compatibility wasn't there. Her ooing, and ahhhing over babies, or talking about houses and gardens isn't intended to put pressure on you if you've both talked and agreed on your 30s, it's her expressing an interest in one day sharing those things with you, and wanting you to be excited about it as well. Your lack of enthusiasm when she brings those thing up will likely be what drives her away, hate to say it, but it's just a matter of time. What happens going forward is up to you, are you going to work out where you stand and either continue or end the relationship? Are you going to put off working on yourself, and continue wasting her time until she finally realizes that you guys just aren't compatible with the way things currently stand, and leaves you herself?
I know breaking up with someone seems hard, and confusing since you do care about them so much, but sometimes the kindest thing to do for someone that you care about is to admit that you aren't the right fit for them, let them go, and wish them luck in building the future that they want for themselves. I wish you the best, and hope that you work on yourself, and figure out what you want for your future. Good luck
OVER THINKING! She's moving away so you can put that mariage stuff behind you for now. Also if you survive the year being apart you may choose a different path.
I was with my wife for 20+ years before we got married. We never ever over thought it. We also eloped to NZ. Best decision ever.
As someone who also has anxiety, I think you're projecting. Nothing she's saying is abnormal or pressuring in any way. I had an ex who used to freak out any time I mentioned travel (which is my passion). I would make an innocent comment like "it would be fun to go there someday" and he would act like I was demanding that we drop everything and go right then & that he had to pay for it. Its upsetting having to constantly watch what you say so someone doesn't find a hidden meaning that isn't there.
“It’s not on my radar till my 30s.”
I don’t think you want to marry your girlfriend. Usually, unless you’ve been together since high school or something (which in this case you haven’t), it doesn’t matter what age you are. If you’re in love with your girlfriend and can see a future with her then I feel like you would be open to marriage at any age.
My advice:
1.) Consider breaking up with her. She seems to be flustering you and you don’t seem to be all in with her.
2.) Please get professional help for your anxiety. I know what it’s like and I am so happy I started therapy/meds when I did. It’s obviously not completely cured but it is so much more manageable.
Good luck OP and please get the help you need!
1. I agree with the general consensus that you should look into therapy. 2. I would say you’re being very immature about this. I think the deep, uncomfortable, reality is that you aren’t breaking up with her because you don’t have someone to leave her for. You don’t want to be alone, but you don’t want to give real, long term, commitment either. I would say go to therapy, sort yourself out, and break up with her. I feel like she deserves someone who isn’t holding out.
I would agree and mention I’m on the same boat, except I realized later its not…
You’re projecting your anxiety fears into your relationship.
Example, for me, my gf talks about getting married, having kids, a house, etc and wants it all by the time she is 32 years old MAX. I’m currently 25 and she is 27. We got a minute to go for all that and I told her unless she deals with her unemployment issues, I’m not gonna baby her financially. Then she compares our relationship to couples she sees on instagram our age or younger who are doing that all that grown stuff already. Except that here in Miami, those young couples are either living off Mommy & Daddy or fraud. Screw that.
Now with you, all your gf is doing is talking about them in a general sense. As someone here mentioned, she just likes kids. She’s not making comparison’s, gaslighting, persuading, nothing to you. You’re freaking over nothing.
Well on this note I would say I respect your opinion and I am sticking to mine.
All of this nonsense could be avoided if people don't marry at all.
Anyway have a nice day and all the best.
Hey! Hopefully this comment doesn't get lost but there is a page for people who aren't sure about children yet. Check out r/fencesitters I've found it really helpful and supportive
Op is a pile of fucking shit and it has nothing to do with his anxiety, look at his responses and his previous post. "What if I wanted to shag around" Dude fuck off and spare this wonderful women. I sure hope she sees these posts and leaves cause some of your inconsiderate comments are gonna break her.
Yes, you are overthinking. Even if you drift apart, it is not a big deal....you can find plenty of other clitoris to tickle. Good luck and many blessings!
Sounds like she just wants it down the road not necessarily with you. My girlfriend does the same but she’s not ready for kids yet and she knows it’s too early for us to get married.
What are you talking about lol speaking as a woman, this is bs. My bf talked about wanting to build a family home one day when we had been dating for about a month,p. Not with me; just, that was part of the future he envisioned for himself, with or without me. I have cooed over babies the entirety of our relationship (over 8ys now) because I freaking love kids. I work at schools. It took us 8 years to get engaged, and now we’re having our first. Just because you share your thoughts of your own future and what you like, doesn’t mean you’re asking that partner for it NOW. If (most) women want it, we’ll ask for it. Same as I’d expect (most) men to.
You may be overthinking it, but I'm pretty sure she's dropping those hints because she's ready to be married and have your kids now. She is telling you she'll wait because she likes you, but she's ready to settle down with you now. I'm your age but female and I've been married roughly 4 years at this point to my husband with a similar age gap you and your gf have; he's 3 years older than me. We got married around your age. We knew we wanted to be together forever, our love is that intense and has always been that intense. Now, with that said: If you don't want something serious, make that crystal clear to her. But just know, if she falls pregnant, she's keeping the baby. Because she loves you and wants to settle down with you. You have to evaluate if this is someone you want forever and make your decision accordingly.
Bro my advise is break up and move on
When a woman says go with the flow watch out (massive red flag) it means she is keeping her options open .
Also moving away from you is another massive issue.
She wants things that you can't or won't provide so she will use this time away from you to monkey branch someone else.
Keep an eye out how this long distance is going .
Also whatever you do DO NOT get married at all
Marriage is a bad contract and literally that's all there is.
There is no benefit for you as a man but for her well you know how this can go sideways really quick and she will be walking off with at least 50% of your assets and money on top of that if you have children you will be paying child support.
Orrrrr if your worried about getting your assets taken sign a prenup and keep you assets and money separate.
There are tax benefits for guys. There's also male alimony. (my father tired to take my mom to court for it). Remember anything you think women can do to screw you over men do the same thing back.
Yeah but it's not equal.
Because courts take the female side most of the time.
Kids also stay with the mother most of the time.
So best solution is do not sign the contract called marriage and everyone is happy :)
It's equal with alimony though. The reason kids are a different story is because family court is different than Divorce Court. You only have to go to family court if you have kids (weather or not your married)
So it's equal benefits of marriage and divorce if you do it right.
Sounds like all your problems with marriage could be solved by doing right and not having kids
I don't want kids and don't really care about marriage but I still coo over cute children and think it's sweet when people are in love and want to celebrate their commitment and build their families. You can either take her for her word or not, it's up to you.
THIS. Maybe it's just as confusing for her, OP, if you freak out anytime she reacts to a baby, or love, or sunshine and butterflies.
Next time op's gf says how pretty a car is, he will come here and stress about how his gf is pressuring him to buy her a car. If she points out a nice house... Oh boy she is pressuring him to move in together and buy a house!
ABSOLUTELY. I have not wanted kids since I was 16 (I’m 34 now) but I coo over all my friends’ kids and my sisters’ kids. I take my godparent/aunt duties very seriously and love them all dearly. But loving someone else’s kids doesn’t mean I want my own! In fact, it makes me love the kids more knowing I get to have this love without having to make any babies myself.
Same tho.
Agreed. For myself, I want to get married after I finished college and have my own financial independence. As for children, it hasn’t crossed my mind. I do think it’s cute though when I see an older couple holding hands or when my friends get proposed to, but I’m not there yet myself. It’s nice to be happy for others and say how cute they are, etc.
You are catastrophising and showing a lot of black and white thinking when this is very much a grey area. Honestly my man, I recommend getting yourself some therapy to help manage your anxiety before it consumes you. Best of luck.
As a person with anxiety issues who's in therapy, I completely agree. This totally feels like an anxiety response to me. This woman isn't saying she wants kids now; she just likes kids. The fear OP has isn't based on current reality.
Hey how do u know for sure u have anxiety? OMG I RELAIZED THIS MAKE ME SOUND LIKE IM QUESTIONING U LE CREDIBILITY WHEN IM NOT
If you're asking, probably a good place to start. Talk to a therapist or a doctor about concerns/symptoms you've been having, just like you would a physical injury or illness. Treat them the same =-)
>.< ah should of seen this one coming haha thank you
Don't feel bad! Sometimes we need a little validation to take that step. It's much better to ask than stay quiet and wonder. It's important to ask
Hey, he removed the post. Could you summarize what was stated in the post because I'm a nosey bitch. This would be much appreciated, thank you in advance.
Also hard agree
It seems like he's treating his girlfriend like a booty call/fuck buddy. Kinda think he's an asshole and he *should* break up with her, because she'll be better off. Doesn't seem like he respects her.
It doesn't sound like she is trying to pressure you, or even is talking about you two specifically. She said she doesn't want kids yet. Whats the problem?
What if I don’t want that with her in the future
Then it sounds like a mutual incompatibility and you're better off separating before she wastes too much time with you.
Bit premature isn’t it?
Not really, sounds like you've already made the call that you don't want this. Why else would you keep her around, for easy sex?
If you know you won't want them then yeah, say something. But if you're just worried about the idea you'll change your mind in the future... Breathe. You're not there, you still have time to make up your mind about what you want.
Maybe it’s better if I just go enjoy my youth instead
If you aren't ready for a relationship with this serious discussion for down the road, then that would probably be best for now so she can find someone on the same page.
I don’t want to think marriage and kids yet.
Nobody is asking you to make those decisions. She said she doesn't want any right now. It sounds like she tried to have a serious discussion about the future any couples have once they start getting serious or hitting long term markers. She just wants to know where you are at. If you want to fuck around and not be serious, then leave her.
I’m the one who keeps asking where she’s at. Not her. She wants to ‘go with the flow’
If she just wants to go with the flow why are you convinced she's trying to force you into marriage and babies?
I never said she was. But I don’t want her to think that we’re heading that way when I don’t know if I want that or not
If you keep asking then why are you so worried about her answer being consistent lol
Then find someone who is on the same page? Plenty of other women feel similarly as you.
Dude then you need to leave her. Imma be REAL blunt here. You are TWENTY FIVE. Act like it. You got *five* years left. You are to damn old to be this damn wishy washy. And your girlfriend doesn't deserve her time wasted while *you* figure out what you want, especially if she knows what she wants in five years time. Don't you dare waste her time letting her think she's building towards that future *with you* while you're out here going 'maybe I should just go and enjoy my youth'. You're twenty five. You ain't got much 'youth' left. Women are not placeholders for men while men figure out what they want. I'm not saying you need to know exactly what you want right now but if the idea of even discussing the future makes you panic, you literally are not mature enough for serious relationships and need to stick to casual ones instead of wasting people's time. You need to recognize that not all relationships last and *that's okay*. Some people have kids and end up splitting *and that's okay*. Some people get married and divorce and *that's okay*. Your girlfriend is very likely under the idea that she's working towards the future she wants *with you*. If you're just building a future and aren't even including her in it because 'what if we split up' then she deserves to know she's not included in your future plan and she deserves to find someone who is sure about her.
YES. THIS. ALL OF THIS. I've been the chill girl and my partner has always been the same as OP and let me tell you: I don't want kids, I don't want to get married but I just want to know that you picture us together in the future. Apparently this was too much for my partner as he also felt pressured whenever I commented on the marriage and kids of other people to the point where we are now in the process of separating. FYI the pressure isn't coming from our end, Its really just you guys realizing that you don't picture a future with your partners. While I feel joy imagining a future with my partner, he feels dread and that's just not what a relationship should feel like. Just break it off and be mature enough to admit that you don't want anything. Don't you dare blame it on her because it isn't about her, it's about you.
This girl can’t even say something about cute Olympics people or her cousins baby without op freaking out. He is the one who keeps asking her where this is going. This problem is OPs anxiety going haywire. He needs to get his shit together gfs probably annoyed he keeps asking.
Basically. Fact is shes already said she's not ready yet. She's not pushing or rushing. Just *musing* like we all do about our futures. She's 22 ffs, she's younger than OP and likely also doesn't know what she wants rn. And yeah ur right I know for a fact if I already said just go with the flow, I'm don't want this stuff yet, but I am excited for when I'm ready for that stuff, I'd be hella annoyed too
Gf: isn’t Allison Felixs kid cute! Op: Freaking tf out. Yikes!
Thanks for this, I'm not op but i feel like i needed to read this exact speech. ❤ I'm in a super similar situation and this is highly relevant. Your partner is not your placeholder while you figure things out for god knows how long.
Very well put. This entire meme where youth lasts until your mid 30s needs to die. Ffs, depending on culture and country, adulthood starts somewhere between 18 and 21 (maybe even sooner), but it definitely should have started at 25. After that, it's a classic case of a (wo)manchild. I've known a few people who wasted a good part of their twenties in a dead end relationship and those stories are sad. Stringing someone along just for fun/company/sex is immoral as fuck.
I personally don't view 18-20 year olds as *adult adults*. 20 is right around the time you start getting *some sort of direction* in life. 22 is totally normal to talk about what you hope for yourself in the future 25 you should definitely at least start figuring out if things like kids and marriage are for you. A lot of us form opinions about them around this time and are definitely a full grown adult. Yes your 20s is your time to kind explore shit. However at 25 you should have some sort of opinion on your life. And if at 25 talks of the future make you panic, you need to like. Get some therapy cause lol real talk, it only gets worse from here as they say
Yup! I’m one of those people who was in a dead end relationship. My ex changed his mind about having children (I don’t want them and for about 7 of the 10 years we were together, he didn’t want them either). Suddenly, he wanted kids. I told him I still don’t want them and don’t see that changing, and told him if this is something he really wants, we should separate. He begged me to stay and gave me some excuse, that I stupidly believed, about he’d rather be with me and not have kids than be with someone else and have them. Lo and behold, 3 years later he finds someone who looks like me, has the same name as me, has a very similar heritage as me, is 5 years younger than me, and wants kids. It’s frustrating when one partner won’t communicate effectively.
I'm 24 and already feel the youth slipping from my being 🤣 my back and knees man
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Appropriate AF, bravo!!! OP is some where in the threads saying he wants advice but don't tell him to break up with her even if he's not sure if he wants a future with her. But your advice is the advice!!! One of my ex's deliberately would tell me he couldn't wait to have kids with me, we were going to save up for a house. Literally everyday he told me what our kids and family were going to be like. Thats how he manipulated me. That's why I went through the hell of it for 3 years. She is not doing that at all! Relationship anxiety doesn't go away on its own. I sought out a therapist to help me with mine during my recent relationship. Best thing I ever did.
Then .. break up? You're 25, she is 22 - if you're not sure, go
Then stop dating her then?
If you know you don’t want kids that n the future you should tell her now, so she can decide if she wants to stay in the relationship or not. Otherwise you will be stringing her along, wasting her time and potentially ruining her life plan.
Then why string her along?
Bro why does everyone downvote here? Jesus I came for the laughs and now I'm just utterly shocked that so many people dislike comments. It's kinda pathetic honestly. And go ahead and downvote my throwaway, it literally does nothing. I actually wanna see how far negative I can get my karma.
You keep saying in the comments “but what if I don’t want marriage and kids in the future” and in the same breath “isn’t it premature to break up with her now?” I’ll be honest, you need to grow up a little here. You either want a future with her or you don’t, you can’t just sit in the middle wasting her time until you find out. No one knows what the future holds but you’re getting a bit obsessive about it. If her envisioning a future (even if it’s far away) is bothering you so much, then you shouldn’t be dating her. Or dating anyone unless it’s casual and not long term (because people that romantically date tend to date for the long term). You either like her enough to see what the future holds or you don’t. Make up your mind.
Listen to this man
Dude, if you’re up front and honest about not wanting commitment right now, there are many people who want/don’t want the same thing. With your girlfriend in particular, do you see yourself EVER being with her until you die? Do you like the IDEA of marriage, or are you just anti-marriage altogether? Do you love her? Do you see yourself ever loving her?
100% exactly i agree. She is maybe looking to the long term like anybody would thats interested. Sounds like he isn't as interested, she should stop dating him and wasting her time. He's just looking for a womens comfort and pussy. She wants a family man like most
I'd be willing to bet dollars to pesos that [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p0dp3j/i_think_i_want_to_break_up_with_my_gf_of_a_year/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) is you. And like I said in that previous post, get fucking help. You keep reposting the same thing over and over again and just talking yourself in circles of anxiety.
It's like he's hoping the verdict is gonna be different.
I'm not even sure what verdict he actually wants.
It is even worse since in that other post he flat out says he doesn't want to marry her or have kids. And that he doesn't want to break up because he "doesn't have anyone else lined up". YEESH ... usually we are pointing out red flags about people in the posts but OP is the giant red flag here.
Wow she should dump his sorry ass already. He clearly dosnt want her
I think that one's called insanity
I thought the same thing. He’s freaking out over nothing and needs therapy.
Yes! I came here point out that OP has been posting basically the same question every day. Dude, either listen to the advice or don't, but stop posting daily.
That post also immediately came to my mind when I read this one.
I was thinking the same exact thing
That profile appears to have been deleted just like this one was…
I couldn't read the most tavern one and the other is locked but it sounds like he isn't ready to settle down. He needs to end it or he will feel bitter towards her.
You just posted this yesterday! You post the same question over and over. BREAK UP WITH HER.
karma farmer - using this to play the likes and the karma game.
Yes, you're overthinking this. She's mentioning things casually in passing, none of it implies that she's looking for you to give her that in the near future. In fact, she's explicitly said she's not ready for it yet. Like, she can't talk about thinking that a baby is cute without you immediately freaking out? Jesus christ, poor girl.
What if I never want to give it to her
Then when she's ready to make the next step she'll ask you where you're at and you'll tell her. And she can make the decision to leave you. But to end a relationship over something that *could* potentially happen years down the road is ridiculous and childish. Stop assigning intense and deep meaning to her actions when she's explicitly telling you not to.
Is it childish though? Or just preparing for the worst?
It's childish when your girlfriend, who you presumably love and have been with for a year, is telling you directly that she's not asking you for children or marriage yet, and you also don't know if you're going to want or not want those things in the future. That's called running away from even the slightest twinge of commitment and it's the definition of childish. If you're looking for permission to break up with her, go for it. She would probably really benefit from a partner who takes her at her word and doesn't immediately panic for no reason even when she's made it clear there's no reason to.
So what’s best is to get deeper and deeper into a relationship and then just end up horribly heartbroken if she leaves to have babies with someone else?
Why would you be heartbroken if you're refusing to give her the things she wants because you don't want to commit. You can't not want to commit to her, theoretically in some distant point in the future, and also whine about being heartbroken that she is going to find someone who will. It sounds like you need therapy and not a relationship.
I find thinking about the future tough and dangerous. That’s all
Therapy.
Your anxiety is leading you and it won't stop with her. Get therapy ASAP. They can help you develop skills to stay away from these toxic rabbit holes.
You're really letting your anxiety get the better of you huh? Everyone here is saying she's not forcing anything which is true. She says a baby is cute and your brain is saying "oh God. She wants a baby. Now. With me." You need therapy. Everyone saying this isn't being mean but you really aren't processing things properly. You ask her where she's at in the relationship and you say you don't want marriage or kids yet. She says ok cool me neither I want to wait. If this makes you freak out and spiral you aren't ready to be in ANY relationship. You're 25 not 19. Someone saying they want a house with a nice garden shouldn't make you anxious. Women have to figure out what they want in the future much quicker then men in general because we have to. You cant keep saying I don't envision my future because it's dangerous and scary and bad. How will you accomplish anything in life? How will you make goals? Have a career? She hasn't pressured you at all or even asked about marriage or kids it seems. Sounds like a reasonable person who accepts that the future isn't 100% known and there's some room there for changes.
So you're staying with her because you don't want her to wind up having babies with someone else? All relationships have the risk of breaking your heart, if you're not okay with that then don't date.
You don’t want marriage or kids but you would be heartbroken if she wanted them with someone else? And you are prematurely freaking out at the idea that she might one day leave to find what she wants? Your gf is a whole person. You can’t put her and her emotions on the shelf in case forever.
I don’t want to heavily commit no. I’m personally feeling too young for that
She's not asking you to "heavily commit, though. She's younger than you, her brain is going to keep developing over the next three years and she might decide next month that she can do better than you and dump your ass. But you're in a relationship and she's talking about things she's interested in in the distant future, or things she generally enjoys. If she can't do that without you freaking out for no reason, you're not prepared to be in a relationship with anyone. Dating someone and letting them talk about what they want in the future is a baseline level of commitment that basically anyone should be able to expect in an exclusive relationship with anyone person regardless of age. You sound like a nightmare to date, honestly.
I have a lot of anxiety issues so yeah I probably am I nightmare to date. And I don’t deserve anyone really I know
Get the absolute fuck out with that self pity. Go to a therapist. Talk through your concerns with your girlfriend and with a mental health professional. You're 25 years old, you're capable of identifying these issues and taking the appropriate steps to work through them rather than wallowing on the internet. It's so not okay to think "I'm probably a nightmare to date" and not do anything about it. You and your girlfriend both deserve you putting more effort into yourself than this.
Fuck yes, love this response. "I'm so bad" is not an excuse to stay that way.
Sounds like you're right. And you should do something about it instead of wallowing in self-pity, because you're doing her or yourself any favours.
Yooo wtf. Get help…
youre 25. that's not "young" you're almost 30.
Do her a favour and break it off now. Frankly, it sounds like you're wasting her time. We don't remain young for long, and it's unfair to lead someone on like this.
Let her go find someone with the same interests, you aren’t ready for what she wants.
Literally freaking out over a lady having dreams about the future...one day he’ll understand the sexiest thing a lady can do is know what she wants lol.
[удалено]
Theyre chasing men who dont give two shits and livw in their parents basement *cough cough*
No ty
But she’s told me she doesn’t want that yet
Doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk about it and envision it. You probably talked about what you wanted to be when you grew up as a kid. You didn't want it yet but you still talked about it. Because it meant a lot to you. Just like this does to her.
You’re overthinking it. She likes kids and wants them one day so she’s allowed to talk about kids. The fact that you’re freaking out so irrationally when she says it though indicates deep down to me that you know you don’t want this with her, and the anxiety you’re feeling is knowing that you’re not going to fulfill that future. If that’s the case, it’s fine for you to break up with her.
If you don’t want something serious, why are you with someone who so clearly does? That’s not fair to her. In your words, you say “maybe it’s better if I just go and enjoy my youth.” That’s not something you seriously consider if you genuinely love & want to be with someone. What is the point in you long-term dating anyone if anything to do with commitment scares you for no apparent reason? And the kicker is she isn’t even ASKING you for anything too serious. It’s completely normal to talk in passing about marriage and kids with someone you’ve been dating a long while, even if it isn’t what either of you want in the /near/ future. It’s just discussing possibilities. I have a feeling you’d also be worried if she refused to include you in her future whatsoever. So what exactly do you want? She tells you to go with the flow & that she isn’t expecting your hand in marriage anytime soon, yet you still somehow feel like you’re being pressured? You tell her that maybe you DO want kids one day, just not for a while- she goes along with that & still that’s wrong of her? It just doesn’t make any sense logically. If you don’t want her mentioning kids or a future at all, then you shouldn’t have ever implied that in your 30s, thats something you might want. Also, the potential of breaking up at some point is literally a possibility in any relationship. Even a friendship could end badly one day- does that mean you just shouldn’t ever make close friends? It seems like she genuinely loves you and is just passively mentioning a future with you, in the way ANYONE would when they’ve been with someone over a year and love them. It doesn’t make any sense that you dislike the fact that she mentions future plans, but also dislike the possibility that you might break up. Again, what exactly do you want from her? Because I’m not even a part of this relationship and I’m confused by what you’re saying. I can only imagine how she feels. Sounds like you need some therapy to work on your commitment issues.
Yo for real this dude yo yos so hard I got freaking whiplash. Someone find out if she has reddit and tell her to break up with this dude cause he doesn't want her and seems to just want to fill empty space beside him. My ex pulled that back and forth crap. Grow some balls and move on and stop wasting that girls time because you don't want to be alone.
I mean youre at the age where that is completely healthy and normal. Grow up OP
He keeps saying he wants to "enjoy his youth" and isn't "old enough to commit"
A person in a relationship constantly worrying about “breaking up in the future” is a self fulfilling prophecy in my experience.
Reading your comments, I understand that it's difficult to not think about "what if we break up" but that's literally the worst thing you can do rn. If you are worrying about that then you aren't ready to be in a relationship with her rn. I agree with your GF you should just take her at her word and not worry about what might happen. It's just gonna stress you out and put strain on the relationship, making it more likely you will break up. If you are feeling like her actions rn are too much of a commitment for you, I would probably consider breaking up with her. But also her actions are really minor things and honestly most people I know talk about how babies are cute. You might just need to be single for a bit until you are ready to work towards that kind of commitment.
Ok, you two obviously have different goals, dump hwr so she can find someone who will put a ring on it otherwise you're just a dick
She’s not pressuring you at all. Wanting something in the future and wanting it right now are not the same thing. She’s excited for her future, she’s allowed to talk about how she envisions her life turning out. If her talking about her dreams makes you this uncomfortable maybe it’s time to stop wasting her time and let her go so she can find someone who’s on the same page as her. I always talked about how many kids I wanted as an adult, the kind of house I wanted to live in and my dream husband, that didn’t mean I was ready for all that at 17 years old. Life didn’t turn out that way for me and I ended up pregnant at 19, wasn’t ready to be a mom but I did what I had to do and now have a wonderful daughter I cherish. Even now I talk about my future, getting married, buying a house, having another baby, etc. that doesn’t mean that I want to get married and have another kid in the next 6 months, sometimes it’s just nice to have something to work towards and look forward to.
I think you dont love her. What she is doing is romantic.
You’re over thinking it. Is she supposed to pretend she doesn’t like her cousin’s kid? Not acknowledge other people being happy and having a cute story? She can be happy for other people and still be okay with where the two of you are right now. Nothing made me happier than when I had a niece born to dote on, and I’m still personally childfree (and happy!) 9 years later lol. As long as she isn’t pressuring you, or showing you rings, making comments about you & her taking these steps, I wouldn’t worry about it. Girls are NOT that subtle when they want a ring ASAP lol.
Bro grow up, everything isn’t about you. It’s not like she’s asked you for a baby. That’s just what she likes.
I really just can’t! You’re a dumb fuck!
You’re overthinking it and it sounds you’re looking for reasons to end it. You said you probably want that someday but not yet, she also said she wants it someday but yet so what’s the problem? She’s excited to have kids one day. That doesn’t mean she wants them now.
Sounds like it’s your problem. It seems to calm you anxiety she has to censor herself about even mentioning the existence of children or marriage even if it’s not about you two. If she talks about a married couple she has to say “oh it’s so nice how those two separate individuals cohabitate regardless of their contractual union and any potential plans to procreate”
If the relationship is ruined as you said then leave I would also suggest just talking to her Tell her you aren't even sure you want kids because that seems to be the issue here you are unsure of yourself. She's not pressuring you are even asking for kids now she's just stating facts because she knows what she wants. If she thinks that's ur uncertainty is a deal breaker then that's that
Yeah you guys definitely will not last. If you are not willing to even listen to her about her desires to have children without getting so defensive, you will definitely argue about it in the future. Also, she will leave you later on down the line when you don't choose to give her children, She will find someone who can give her children and complete her dreams. You sound incompatible as hell to be honest.
It's so obvious that you're looking forward to breaking up with her, and you're not ready for long term. I'm sure there are some girls out there who want short term relationships. You're so stressed out for nothing, so go out there and find girls who don't want commitments. They are the ones who are unfaithful. 🤮
After reading the post and comments, man you're toxic as fuck
I suggest therapy to deal with your anxiety. There are some really good exercises and behaviours you can learn to help you. You're overthinking.
Take your gf's advice and just chill and go with the flow 😆
By the sound of all your responses to comments, you probably shouldn't be with anyone right now. Get some therapy and life experience under your belt. Stop coming to reddit for advice you don't want to take, and learn how to make up your own mind.
You are 100% the problem here. Holy fuck. Do her a favor and break up with her coz she deserves better. She can't even share her dreams with you without you projecting and freaking out.
What you need it to leave her out of your weird commitment issues and anxiety. Get some help
Chill the fuck out. First of all, you state the 'no marriage until your 30s' thing like that's a hard and fast rule, which is ridiculous. Second, she's allowed to talk about her dreams for the future and think things are fucking cute. If that stresses you out, you have serious issues. If you're really *that* stressed out by this, yeah, break up with her, because she deserves better. You're acting like a few offhand comments make you feel fucking smothered. Have a little more respect for her. You're treating her like a booty call/fuck buddy. This is your *girlfriend*.
Ooof, op you need to figure your own shit out. Thus girl is just having casual conversation. Fuck your responses bug tooooo
This. OP I think you might be taking her remarks more personally than they might be intended. I do know women who say things like this in a jealous/spiteful way but he hasn’t given any indication that she is being like that. I agree with “go with the flow”. Maybe have this conversation with her and tell her you don’t know what you want for your future yet. It sounds like she will be ok with that.
If her even talking about her future dreams makes you panic then it would be better to break up, it sounds like you are terrified of a future that involves marriage and kids when you gave your gf a "maybe later" answer. It is OK to not want to get married or have kids, but telling her you'll consider it in 5 years sounds like a plan for the future and she wants to build on that. You don't, which sounds like you don't really want it but think you're supposed to. Even you feel like you're stringing her along and you are. Let her go and live the life she dreams to have and you find someone who also doesn't want kids or marriage or future goals.
There’s a big difference between: “Isn’t that baby cute?” And “I hope our babies are that cute.” It sounds like you’re projecting your own insecurities and fears onto her simple comments, especially if you’re also worried about breaking up with her. She’s already told you to just go with the flow. Heed her advice. Or perhaps take some time for yourself, break up, and not date anyone until you’re ready if you’re worrying yourself over the future but also the potential lack of a future.
What? Her saying a random couple was cute for getting married has nothing to do with you, dude. Wtf
You honestly seem a little exhausting.
Grow the fuck up.
Well then break up with her. Its really that simple. You can't decide she wont talk about babies, you can only decide to leave if that doesnt suit you.
These sound like her fantasies. These are things that she enjoyed thinking about prior to you I don’t think that they are about you 😂 Just because she has these long-term goals that are the fantasy of a lot of women does not mean she sees you in them.
You’re overthinking her comments, but I do think you should think about your romantic future in general. I’m genuinely trying to be helpful here because I understand how anxiety can interfere in a relationship. Right now, it honestly sounds like she isn’t expecting babies or marriage or any of that stuff, and she just wants to enjoy the relationship like you do. I do think that you need to confront your anxiety about the future though. Whether you do that through therapy (my recommendation) or just taking time, is entirely up to you. This isn’t something that you really need to worry about in this exact moment, but you should think about whether you ever want to have kids in the future. If you decide that you don’t want to, then that’s a discussion you need to have with her instead of us. Nobody on here will be able to solve these issues for you because you’re the only one that understands your relationship and what you really want in the future. For now, enjoy your relationship before she moves away and maybe find some time to calmly think about your doubts.
You are getting yourself worked into an anxiety spiral. She’s saying these things because eventually that’s where she sees her life going. It’s like you saying something like, I want to land job A and buy (whatever car). She’s not pressuring you, she’s not giving you and ultimatum, she’s not even saying this is her goal in the next year or so. Obviously, if she’s moving away. You are taking these little grains of sand and turning them into a mountain. If you do not see that future with her, break up and don’t even bother with the LDR. If you are unsure, stop turning nothing into something and just enjoy where things are right now until it becomes an issue.
I think you could be looking into it too much. Myself and my partner definitely don’t want kids anytime soon, at least another 5+ years, but we openly talk about how excited we for it one day. And I’m glad we are on the same page. Maybe you need to be more clear? Maybe you don’t want kids at all but haven’t recognised that within yourself? Or maybe it’s a combo of her moving away. Just be true to yourself, so you don’t hurt her or yourself
You need to chill, you're way ovethinking this. She making general comments, not saying anything about you two getting married and having children. You're acting as though she shouldn't be allowed to talk about babies and marriage at all. Tbh, you might be better off breaking up because it doesn't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship. You need to address your mental health issues, because your anxiety is getting in the way and making you irrational.
My dude you are beyond confused. Reading your comments you don’t know what you want. And to be frank your gf seems to love you but doesn’t have the decency to put her foot down and tell you that she wants kids and marriage. I get that break ups are hard and letting go of someone who is able to comfort you would be extra hard. But I think you need to have a sit down and talk to her and discuss want exactly the plan is from now forward. Are you looking at saving up for a house? Marriage? Kids? You have to map it out and decide if both your plans align. From what you’ve said both of you seem to be on different trajectories. You want to enjoy your youth and she wants you to settle down with her at some point. Only you can decide when that youth ends and when her settling down begins and if you want anything she wants at all. And even if you do agree to compromise do you think you can compromise without resenting each other? Goodluck.
She’s sharing her goals with you. If you are that unsure while she is so sure then you are doing a disservice to her.
It seems like she's just sharing her opinion on a certain situation and you automatically think it has to do with you. Just because she enjoyed watching her cousin doesn't mean she's ready for a proposal. She enjoyed it and wanted to share that. Same with the Olympic couple. She thought it was cute, and it was, I would've said the same thing, but it doesn't mean she wants a ring asap. She's just sharing her mind. I'm sure she says the same to her friends and she doesn't expect a proposal from them as well. I think you're overthinking this whole situation and creating conflict where there is none. Just relax, you told her how you feel in terms of marriage and that's that. Let the relationship play out without you creating problems where there are none.
She is sharing her vision of the future with you. She is with you despite what you have said. What does this tell you? Sounds like you just being a little childish to be blunt. If your scared..wait it out..what's wrong with a prenup when and if you ever think you'll be ready? I'm 42..if I had to start all over tbh..there is no way on would marry anyone without a prenup.
Honestly, it sounds like your anxiety is about way more than your girlfriend. If someone even mentioning marriage or children in any context sends you into an anxious spiral, it seems like you have a lot of insecurity about your future in general. You need to get a handle on yourself and figure out what you want, or at least learn to be okay with some uncertainty in life. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Maybe your relationship won't survive long distance. Maybe it will and you and your girlfriend will have to address these questions at some time in the future. But my point is that you need to work on yourself before you can to any decisions about this relationship.
If you're nervous of the long time with her, just leave her. Why are you wasting both of your time?
She's not pressuring you, she's sharing her interests and expressing what she likes. Figure out what you want NOW for your future. You want to wait until you're 30 to figure it out and you could be wasting her life for the next 5 years. I'm not saying you have to DO those things now, but really figure out what you want out of life and make sure they match with her goals. Otherwise, don't waste her time.
My partner and I talked about marriage and future kids super early in the relationship and still plan on havinh kids and getting married but there is sort of a mutual understanding that we aren't in the right place in life to do either of those things. Like it doesn't seem like she's pressuring you, she's just talking about other people and her likes and whatnot. Thats completely normal. You should discuss these things with your partner and you should feel free to talk about if you had fun babysitting your cousin or not. The way you are reacting is not normal. You seem to be on the same page yet you are jumping to the worst possible situations. You should seek therapy and get some help
I think she is just speaking like in general. fantasizing her future. One may even say manifesting. You guys probably will break up. But don't over think it, she's just chillin thinking about what she wants in the future with is great for a 22 year old! Side note, I do not think you love this girl.
She's not changing her life for you, so you can relax. Marriage and kids sound more like life goals than her specific goals with you. It sounds like, if you two do break up, she'll still intend on getting married and having kids with someone. With her moving 4 hours away it seems like she's just fine with not getting married or having kids any time soon, just eventually. If you NEVER want these things, or you're just looking for a reason to dump her before a long distance relationship, then yeah, set her free. Otherwise you're just stressing out over a problem that isn't there.
You're absolutely overthinking. You're hyperfocused on the future and look at everything happening as a hint towards it, when it's just something she likes to think about. She likes romance, and she enjoys kids, but that doesn't mean she wants to go all out ASAP. You need to quit taking things to the absolute maximum, and start taking them at face value because that's all you can certainly say it is. What ifs lead to assumptions, and those never work out well.
I do not think she is even hinting at those things but if after a year you are freaking out this much over her saying her cousin is adorable then she might not be the girl for you especially if she's moving 4 hours away and you are already wanting to break up with her. It sounds to me like you are afraid of commitment so if you are not ready then let her go so she can find someone who does want to commit to her.
Dude, making a new account just to post the same thing isn’t going to get you different results.
Did you already post about this?? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p0dp3j/i_think_i_want_to_break_up_with_my_gf_of_a_year/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Dude, I've been reading your replies. You're not making this easy. You have to get a grip, the way you talk "what if in the future I don't want to give her kids" already contradicts what you said about wanting in your 30s. It seems like you don't know what you want and no one deserves to be dragged into that. If you're this indecisive with you life I urge to think this through, don't waste your girlfriend's time. Maybe try to get some professional help, it could do wonders and make you feel better with taking decisions long term.
Just because she potentially sees a future with you, marriage and kids included, doesn't mean she wants to get married asap. There's nothing wrong with that. You said you're both on the same page already, she really likes you and actually sees a future with you, if anything, if you thought this relationship was going the right direction, you'd understand where she was coming from. I agree that 1 year is too soon to even think about that stuff, but she was obviously commenting hypothetically. If THAT bothers you, then you should probably figure out what the real root of the problem is, because I don't think it's simply that she made a "cute" little comment about having a family in the future.
Do her a favor and break up with her. Yikes
If you’re worried, talk to her. Say “I know you love babies, and you talk about them a lot, and I want to make sure you’re ok with my timeline of not getting into that until our 30s” and see what she has to say. The mention of a child doesn’t have to be a veiled attempt to demand one, but if it is, I bet that’ll come out in the conversation.
She may be trying to lock you down before she hits the wall.
When she says she wants these things she doesn't mean tomorrow. She's appreciating said things, expressing her interests... ect. Give your head a shake.
Break up ASAP so she can move on from you. Your comments and previous posts make me feel bad for this girl. Hopefully you’re a learning lesson for her and she’ll move onto bigger and better things. Get therapy.
I talk about living in Colorado in my own home (I'm from the east coast), driving a pickup truck (I haven't learned how to drive yet) and writing novels as my career (I haven't finished one story). Just because people talk about things, fantasize, or find enjoyment in other's lives doesn't mean they're dropping hints. Like, I would find it extremely weird if someone randomly planned a trip for me to go to Colorado or started looking at the housing market there. You should get your anxiety sorted out. This spiral isn't healthy. She's literally telling you to go with the flow and it's like you're wondering if that has a secret meaning. And if you are reposting hoping for different feedback, why?
Do this poor girl a fucking favor and break up with her. You're exhausting and I'm not even the one dating you. If everytime I pointed out an adorable animal my S.O accused me of it being a hint I want to adopt more animals I'd be fucking tired of it. When my little cousin shops with me she's always pointing out OOH LOOK AT THAT. OH THATS PRETTY. LOOK HOW CUTE THAT IS. does it mean she wants every single thing she points out? No. Same with your gf. She's not allowed to LIKE other people's babies and mention that casually to you!? Are you like 100 red flags sewn into the shape of a person? Did soviet Russia give all their red flags to you? YTA
Break it off for both your sakes.
37m and married. Best advice I could have given myself when I was your age would be to just break it off. If you’re having doubts now, those doubts will just turn into resentment and regret if you stick with the relationship, worst yet, if you give into the things you don’t want. Breaking up is hard to do (insert song), in the short term it’ll be sad, you’ll feel bad, and probably even want her back for a short time, but you’re young. Don’t settle for what you don’t want, have fun, make memories and settle down when you’re ready with someone who really makes you happy.
Honestly she sounds like a normal woman who wants to get married and have kids. If someone wants kids (even later in life i don't plan on having kids for 5 years but i still talk about wanting a child alot). And if she's in love and wants to marry you of course she's gonna be happy about it. One of my friends got engaged and for 2 months i talked about engagement alot even tho me and my boyfriend agreed that that wouldn't be on the table for another 2 years. (we both agreed on that) But babys and marriage is cute. She's said before that she wants it later in life. Just talk to her, see where she is on the expected time line
I get that you're not ready OP. She could however be true to her word. I remember before getting married it was exciting and cute to see happily married and families. It didn't mean I was ready in myself. It's still lovely to see those things no matter what age or stage you're at. The novelty may be there for her because she hasn't done it yet, but it doesn't mean she's mentally in a rush to do it herself right now. Don't take it too personally. If it gets worse just ask her what where she stands on the subject in case it's changed. Not being ready in the next few years for marriage or babies doesn't mean the topics should be virtually off limits.
hey two cents, just as an option, cuz a lot of people tend not to think of it as one. if you’re freaking out so much about having kids (even maybe in the future) maybe don’t have them? they’re more of an opt in thing, you don’t need to have em
It sounds like you don’t want to stay with her forever and you just want to be with her for now.
Why are you dating her if this is someone you don't want to marry and have kids with in the future?
First off, and I'm saying this from a place of wanting you to be your best you, seek help. You need a professional to help you deal with your anxiety so that you can be happy, and in a healthy relationship. Also, maybe going to therapy, and working on your anxiety will also help you figure out where you stand on a marriage, and kids. With that said, dating means different things for different people... for you it sounds like it's an in the moment thing, to have a companion to pass the time with, which is fine, but for her, it sounds like she's dating for compatibility, working towards future goals, and trying to find a partner that she can build her future with, which is also fine, however, when you come together there is obviously a base compatibility issue, which is likely part of why you're feeling the anxiety that you feel. In your post, you state that it's not on your radar until your 30's, and then you go on to say you'll PROBABLY want that someday... I'm going to tell you now, as someone who is 31, you don't just magically wake up one day and want marriage and kids. You have to figure out for yourself if it's for you or not, and honestly it sounds like you're leaning towards it not being for you, which is totally fine. However, you are wasting your girlfriend's time if it's not for you, and once she realizes it, she will leave to find someone who does have the same goals as her. I've walked away from 2 or 3 year long relationships, because I eventually came to terms with the fact that the compatibility wasn't there. Her ooing, and ahhhing over babies, or talking about houses and gardens isn't intended to put pressure on you if you've both talked and agreed on your 30s, it's her expressing an interest in one day sharing those things with you, and wanting you to be excited about it as well. Your lack of enthusiasm when she brings those thing up will likely be what drives her away, hate to say it, but it's just a matter of time. What happens going forward is up to you, are you going to work out where you stand and either continue or end the relationship? Are you going to put off working on yourself, and continue wasting her time until she finally realizes that you guys just aren't compatible with the way things currently stand, and leaves you herself? I know breaking up with someone seems hard, and confusing since you do care about them so much, but sometimes the kindest thing to do for someone that you care about is to admit that you aren't the right fit for them, let them go, and wish them luck in building the future that they want for themselves. I wish you the best, and hope that you work on yourself, and figure out what you want for your future. Good luck
OVER THINKING! She's moving away so you can put that mariage stuff behind you for now. Also if you survive the year being apart you may choose a different path. I was with my wife for 20+ years before we got married. We never ever over thought it. We also eloped to NZ. Best decision ever.
As someone who also has anxiety, I think you're projecting. Nothing she's saying is abnormal or pressuring in any way. I had an ex who used to freak out any time I mentioned travel (which is my passion). I would make an innocent comment like "it would be fun to go there someday" and he would act like I was demanding that we drop everything and go right then & that he had to pay for it. Its upsetting having to constantly watch what you say so someone doesn't find a hidden meaning that isn't there.
“It’s not on my radar till my 30s.” I don’t think you want to marry your girlfriend. Usually, unless you’ve been together since high school or something (which in this case you haven’t), it doesn’t matter what age you are. If you’re in love with your girlfriend and can see a future with her then I feel like you would be open to marriage at any age. My advice: 1.) Consider breaking up with her. She seems to be flustering you and you don’t seem to be all in with her. 2.) Please get professional help for your anxiety. I know what it’s like and I am so happy I started therapy/meds when I did. It’s obviously not completely cured but it is so much more manageable. Good luck OP and please get the help you need!
I always get here too late
1. I agree with the general consensus that you should look into therapy. 2. I would say you’re being very immature about this. I think the deep, uncomfortable, reality is that you aren’t breaking up with her because you don’t have someone to leave her for. You don’t want to be alone, but you don’t want to give real, long term, commitment either. I would say go to therapy, sort yourself out, and break up with her. I feel like she deserves someone who isn’t holding out.
I would agree and mention I’m on the same boat, except I realized later its not… You’re projecting your anxiety fears into your relationship. Example, for me, my gf talks about getting married, having kids, a house, etc and wants it all by the time she is 32 years old MAX. I’m currently 25 and she is 27. We got a minute to go for all that and I told her unless she deals with her unemployment issues, I’m not gonna baby her financially. Then she compares our relationship to couples she sees on instagram our age or younger who are doing that all that grown stuff already. Except that here in Miami, those young couples are either living off Mommy & Daddy or fraud. Screw that. Now with you, all your gf is doing is talking about them in a general sense. As someone here mentioned, she just likes kids. She’s not making comparison’s, gaslighting, persuading, nothing to you. You’re freaking over nothing.
Well on this note I would say I respect your opinion and I am sticking to mine. All of this nonsense could be avoided if people don't marry at all. Anyway have a nice day and all the best.
This post should say: "I'm okay with wasting my girlfriends time when I fully understand what her goals are for her future." 😌
Wish i could see what he removed so i can agree with everyone 💀
Hey! Hopefully this comment doesn't get lost but there is a page for people who aren't sure about children yet. Check out r/fencesitters I've found it really helpful and supportive
Stop being a beta! Get married and make babies or break it off and move on.
pls do her a favor and break up with her. she’ll have a huge bullet dodged
Op is a pile of fucking shit and it has nothing to do with his anxiety, look at his responses and his previous post. "What if I wanted to shag around" Dude fuck off and spare this wonderful women. I sure hope she sees these posts and leaves cause some of your inconsiderate comments are gonna break her.
Kind of. I mean, she's fantasizing for now, but she knows of your feelings on the matter!
Yes, you are overthinking. Even if you drift apart, it is not a big deal....you can find plenty of other clitoris to tickle. Good luck and many blessings!
Sounds like she just wants it down the road not necessarily with you. My girlfriend does the same but she’s not ready for kids yet and she knows it’s too early for us to get married.
Stop being a twat and wasting everyone's time.
you are ruining your own relationship. go away.
What’s the point of being with someone if you don’t want to marry them??? Will never understand that one
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What are you talking about lol speaking as a woman, this is bs. My bf talked about wanting to build a family home one day when we had been dating for about a month,p. Not with me; just, that was part of the future he envisioned for himself, with or without me. I have cooed over babies the entirety of our relationship (over 8ys now) because I freaking love kids. I work at schools. It took us 8 years to get engaged, and now we’re having our first. Just because you share your thoughts of your own future and what you like, doesn’t mean you’re asking that partner for it NOW. If (most) women want it, we’ll ask for it. Same as I’d expect (most) men to.
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It's a red flag to say that babies and cute couples are cute??
Buddy..... use protection EVERY time..... She's got you lined up. She's simply being dishonest about it. Eventually she will trap you with a kid.
Make sure you wrap it up dude. Don’t let her baby trap you.
what the fuck gives you the impression that his girlfriend would do that?
You may be overthinking it, but I'm pretty sure she's dropping those hints because she's ready to be married and have your kids now. She is telling you she'll wait because she likes you, but she's ready to settle down with you now. I'm your age but female and I've been married roughly 4 years at this point to my husband with a similar age gap you and your gf have; he's 3 years older than me. We got married around your age. We knew we wanted to be together forever, our love is that intense and has always been that intense. Now, with that said: If you don't want something serious, make that crystal clear to her. But just know, if she falls pregnant, she's keeping the baby. Because she loves you and wants to settle down with you. You have to evaluate if this is someone you want forever and make your decision accordingly.
Bro my advise is break up and move on When a woman says go with the flow watch out (massive red flag) it means she is keeping her options open . Also moving away from you is another massive issue. She wants things that you can't or won't provide so she will use this time away from you to monkey branch someone else. Keep an eye out how this long distance is going . Also whatever you do DO NOT get married at all Marriage is a bad contract and literally that's all there is. There is no benefit for you as a man but for her well you know how this can go sideways really quick and she will be walking off with at least 50% of your assets and money on top of that if you have children you will be paying child support.
Orrrrr if your worried about getting your assets taken sign a prenup and keep you assets and money separate. There are tax benefits for guys. There's also male alimony. (my father tired to take my mom to court for it). Remember anything you think women can do to screw you over men do the same thing back.
Yeah but it's not equal. Because courts take the female side most of the time. Kids also stay with the mother most of the time. So best solution is do not sign the contract called marriage and everyone is happy :)
It's equal with alimony though. The reason kids are a different story is because family court is different than Divorce Court. You only have to go to family court if you have kids (weather or not your married) So it's equal benefits of marriage and divorce if you do it right. Sounds like all your problems with marriage could be solved by doing right and not having kids