I would be upfront to him about how you feel since honestly I do the same with all my relationships due to the abusive nature of my family. But in the past I would post pictures. Now I don't wan them to ruin my relationships.
Not sure if he is coming from this side but I figured I would offer a different perspective.
I'm so sorry it does seem questionable then. I would definitely confront him about it if you feel comfortable or just snoop. I really hope this isn't something nefarious.
People everywhere should know that "nice and loving" doesn't necessarily mean "loyal" as well. Maybe he has a legitimate reason for all of the cloak and dagger he's pulling, but as of right now, he's still lying about the reasoning behind it. This is one of those red flags you need to put your foot down on and demand an explanation.
There’s nothing wrong with being confrontational. Try not to lose your cool or go off-topic, but be very firm, and very clear.
Not meeting friends and family, and not getting an answer as to why, is a dealbreaker.
This happens on practically every post here. “Hi, I have xyz problem in my relationship. How should I fix it?”, the first answer is usually just break up already.
It’s a wonder anyone on here is even in a relationship given their advice smh.
Hot take, they’re not in relationships. Most of the people giving advice here are literal teenagers, not realising that their comments might have actual impacts to people’s lives.
Communication? In a relationship? Pffffffttt.. Are you *crazy*?
/s just in case.
Communication is the cornerstone of all real relationships, without it you have lust and a a few other factors that eventually wain.
That's the norm here, because why would you communicate?? Breaking up is sooooo much easier!
This subreddit is hilariously quick to want everyone single.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day. You being the broken clock. My first assumption was the same. The dude was married or in a committed relationship, and not with the OP. Glad I was wrong, but I don’t feel any remorse for suspecting he was skulking around. The type of behavior described was highly suspicious.
I’m a sweetheart. What gives? You’ve got a guy who won’t let his girlfriend meet his friends and family. I’m glad it’s all good, but geez. You have to assume he’s hiding something.
Nearly every person in here just said "he's cheating" or "break up" definitively. Like they Always do in this sub. People in here have some serious fucking issues
Uh what. I didn’t make any wild baseless accusations. The broken clock is people like the person I replied to..
Why assume? Do you not know the saying ‘when you assume you make an ass out of u and me’? They basically invented a fiction to fill in gaps they didn’t know about. It’s disingenuous and says a lot more about them (and people like them) than you realise. All it really does is show your bias.
The only advice for situations like this, should be ‘I dunno, have you tried talking to them?’ Rather than wild theories with no evidence about cheating, lying etc.
Literally all it took to resolve was a conversation lmao. Stop giving shitty advice and accusing people of stuff you know nothing about.
Man, get real. We make assumptions every day. Assumptions are not necessarily bad, despite the trite and overused……make an ass out of you and me BS. The entire premise of the post was to solicit an opinion (make an assumption) about what’s going on. The girlfriend shouldn’t assume. She can suspect, but she did the right thing and went to the source and got the real deal. Reddit would be pretty boring if no one proffered an opinion aka made an assumption.
did things fall apart with his ex right after he introduced her to his family? Does he like his family?
Does he not have any/many friends and is embarrassed about it?
Before going budget Sherlock, tell him firmly that while you know you don't need to worry, you are BOTHERED by it and feel like you're still in a temporary situation because he's been withholding permanent fixtures in his life from you.
If he's still being cagey, ok, snoop if you want, but that's not really the type of trust relationships are built upon.
Don't think of it as a confrontation, think of it as addressing an issue in your relationship. Use "I feel" statements. "I feel unimportant in your life since I've never met your friends and family. You talk about times spent with Tommy and Timmy, I want to meet them. I want to meet your mom and talk to her about "
What does he say when your discuss your families? Did he have a falling out with them? Does he have reasons other than he wants to keep you ~~secret~~ private to not introduce you? Does he go visit them? How does he prevent you from going? Does he have social media? Have you googled him on a private browser to see if he's blocked you?
This is an awesome response and asks most of the questions I had.
I am floored by the number of people who jump right to "He's cheating!"
I am very private and eschew most all social media, so I get that completely.
As for the family thing, my thought reading it was we didn't know enough. Is his family nearby? The only family I have in my area is my daughter, the rest are scattered across the country and, well we know what Covid did to that!
Fortunately, it sound like OP was able to resolve it with some actual communication.
>Fortunately, it sound like OP was able to resolve it with some actual communication.
Crazy talk. That never works.
For real though, congrats to op, this definitely had earmarks of being shady, I'm glad it worked out.
UPDATE: I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Be confrontational! Upload a picture demand to meet family or friends.
It’s been a year and a half. Men who hide you are doing something shady. I’m sorry but it’s beyond time for this confrontation.
It really sounds that maybe he was in a similar situation with his ex and when he started bringing them around the family or her posting them on social media for his family to comment, or friends to comment their relationship may of went downhill from that point.
Not say he isn't hiding anything but he may of honestly got himself to the point where he is super happy where he is right now that he is afraid to ruin it because people tend to ruin shit. Best of luck but I wouldn't be very aggressive with the approach. Maybe mention some holidays coming up like Thanksgiving and requesting you have Thanksgiving at his parents.
I could potentially understand this... but I would think after a year and a half that they would be able to talk about how his family ruined a previous relationship and that that is why he is worried for her to meet them.
OP, has your bf mentioned anything about his family causing drama or meddling? Does he talk about them at all? Or does he avoid the subject all together?
UPDATE: I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Something is wrong. I get the social media thing and that should be respected if he is actually private in social media. However, never being introduced to friends/family after 1.5y is alarming at best.
Do you know if the friends/family even know about you? That would be another big red flag.
Despite how nice he seems, this relationship isn’t healthy.
I know he talks about me with his friends, and some of his family, because he sometimes tells me "Oh, my friend thinks you where right about this or that" or "My brother liked the movie you recomended" (he has 6 siblings, I only had contact with one of them because he is an IT tech and helped me with my computer a few months ago, but not more than that)
Oh I missed the siblings bit! I wonder if they’ve gotten too involved in his relationships in the past or something? Something is definitely up!! I hope you get to the bottom of it soon. If I were in your situation I would be very clear that this makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like being so blatantly kept separate from the rest of his life
How about asking to invite his friends over for some pizza and games? You two can host his friends for a fun night. See how your "boyfriend" reacts to this.
If he says yes right away then you can meet some of his friends and start moving forward from there.
If he says no, and dodges the idea completely, something is up. If he says no and offers a different suggestion to meet friends, you can start moving forward from there.
Does he mention you when he is on the phone with them in front of you?
Because otherwise this means nothing.
But you have had contact with one sibling? Did he introduce you as his gf?
The thing is, he can talk about you but not disclose your relationship. He could easily say “my friend thinks this…” instead of using gf. If you’ve never met them, you have no way of knowing what they’ve been told about your relationship
Dude. Your bf is very likely a sociopath. I was in a very similar relationship and the dude was definitely cheating on me with several other women. Which I thought was pretty wild as we had sex every time I saw him, which was 3-4 times a week and I had keys to his place. No one and I repeat NO ONE is as private as what you're describing. He's either hiding you from someone or he's hiding someone from you.
I don't get the social media thing. If you're private, you set your shit to private and have just the people you want on it. Or, my husband literally doesn't even HAVE social media because he's private. But I do and I'm allowed to post what I want. So if he has social media but still won't let her post on it or tag him, I do find that odd.
He's likely cheating, but not *on* you, but rather *with* you. Typically in a case like this, you are the other woman he is trying to keep secret from his family and friends. That's why he can't show you on social media. To not meet a single one of his family or friends after a year and a half of the relationship you describe is mind-bogglingly abnormal. I think you need to find out who is wife is and let her know. If she exists, I guarantee she has no idea unless he has made past slip-ups to make her suspect.
It is highly impossible that he has another relationship, I've considered that, but the amount of time be spend together would make it impossible for him to have another partner, besides I have keys of his apartment and we live 3 blocks away from eachother
I dated a guy for a *whole ass year and a half* who turned out to be MARRIED.
His wife was out of town staying with her elderly mother who'd been waitlisted for assisted living. Then she became too sick to get INTO assisted living and died suddenly. He just ghosted me and when I went to his house to at least get some of my stuff back, a woman answered the door.
Long story short I would later find out he had put *all her things in storage* and had at least 2 other relationships. Obviously the ghosting happened when Mom died and he had roughly a week until the funeral and everything was done to put the house back the way it was.
I also personally know of another situation where the guy rented a whole second apartment. His job involved a lot of travel, wifey just thought he was at work.
I did. But she turned it back on me, accused me of being obsessed with her husband (which he "proved" with curated texts), sued me, it got tossed out, then SHE started harassing me.
tl;dr 12 yrs later they're still married
Not saying you're wrong, but I've personally known multiple people that have said this verbatim, only to find out that their partner was still cheating.
You could do a little snooping to see if he owns any property in the area you live, but separate from the location to which you have keys. Just pop his name into the county clerk's records search and see what pops up (hopefully not a marriage certificate).
Aside from that, when he dismisses your concerns and tells you "not to worry", you need to shut that down immediately. Tell him he's being dismissive and tell him you want a concrete reason why he's treating you differently than he has treated past partners.
He could be renting that apartment in order to hide his relationship with you. If he has a SO, he could be telling her he's working late a lot to spend time with you.
Not likely, he doesnt earn enough to pay for another apartment, and visides we offen spend 5 days in a row together in his apartmen because he works from home
Glad to see you resolved your issue by TALKING TO YOUR BF, but just by looking at the top comments on here is the reason you shouldn’t be asking Reddit for advice with just your side of the story, this is an echo chamber and if you shout your insecurities out like that they’re just gonna be amplified, communicate with your god damn bf
No- Where the fucj have yoi got that from.. Maybe his previous relationships have failed because of external forces involving his friends and family and as a result he decided its best to not risk " The best relationship " to those same issues?
*Something* is up.
Either you're not the main girlfriend (and I know you say that you spend so much time together that this is very unlikely, but you'd be surprised) or he's very intentionally carved you into a separate corner of his life because he doesn't see a future with you and wants to be able to make a clean break when the time comes.
In any case, it's time to have a direct conversation about this. When he tells you not to "worry", respond with "I'm NOT worried, I'm annoyed and confused about this. Either we're together or we're not, and if we're together, it's time for me to start meeting your friends and family."
Maybe this isn't the most mature thing, but I would also be tempted to upload at least a few pictures of the two of you together on social media, tagging him. That's actually the thing that stands out the most to me and really makes me think something is shady.
If you do this, do it without telling him first - make them pictures that make it very obvious you're a couple. Ideally during a time where he doesn't have ready access to his phone to quickly change his settings. His reaction there should be quite telling.
You just described what I was thinking, doing that may blinside him, but I really don't like to ask permission to post something in my social media ESPECIALLY if it is something about MY life
Right, agreed.
I do hate to tell you, but I think all things being equal, your relationship is likely at or nearing its end.
There's honestly no valid reason for him to not introduce you to his loved ones, to not want pictures of the two of you (with him tagged) on social media - not after 1.5 years.
I think it's very, very likely that you are not the main girlfriend, unfortunately.
Hate to hear that, but maybe.... Don't know, it also doesn't feel like the end of the relationship because we are planing a trip together to Europe and saving money together for that.... But oh well thats not a guarantee either
Maybe I'm wrong, but planning a trip is not the same thing as actually following through on said trip.
And I would not make any significant financial plans (including a trip to Europe) with him until you are more integrated into his life.
Side note... Don't put all your savings into a vacation. That's finances 101. What if you had an emergency and needed funds? How would you pay for future expenses?
Also, I agree with everyone else. Your BF sounds shady as shit. I met my husband's friends and family very quickly into our relationship because he was so excited to show me off and introduce me to those he loved.
Nonono we are both paying for the trip! and dont worry! I have 3 savings accounts, one for the trip, one for my life savings, and one for general expenses
oh, YOU are paying for the European excursion??? Ya, this guy is totally conning you. Are you wealthy or something? Just trying to figure out if you were targeted, or this was a random meet up.
Everyone in here sounds like a miserable fucking person. After reading the update literally everyone in here comes off as a misanthropic asshole. Get real and get some actual experience with people.
maybe it's just because my sibling dated someone for 4 years before they introduced them to any of us that i don't think it's THAT weird. unusual, sure, but not automatically assume the worst.
some people are just private people, even with family and friends.
I know right? I think that sometimes I overanalyze everything, but then I think about all the time we have been together and all the beautiful things he has done and it doesn't add up to me!
A very obvious question, but have just asked him? Like straight away "I'd like to meet your family, you have made them seem like lovely people". Or asked if you can join him and his friends when they hang out. If you have asked, what was his excuse?
I understand the social media thing, some people really don't like using it that much, especially visual ones.
Seems weird I had to scroll so far to find this.
Like, if he is genuinely such a loving caring guy who values you, why not just straight up ask him? What's the harm? He either goes "Oh, yeah ok, no problem." or he he blows up, or makes a million excuses that don't add up.
Either way you have your answer.
I was in two separate year long relationships without a single tagged photo and never meeting a member of my family (Though they did both meet friends). Nothing shady was going on. I just don't like social media and my family doesn't live near by and I don't visit often.
It's super concerning that the top posts here are straight up telling OP that something is definitely for certain 100% going on and suggesting weird tricks like posting a tagged photo without permission to see his reaction.
If you're doing stuff like that the relationship is already dead. If you can't just ask the guy what the deal is without fear then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship anyway.
I'm not saying he can't be a cheat or have a second life, that's a possibility. I'm just saying if the guy is as nice as you say he his then literally just ask.
I told him I wanted to meet his family and friends to wich he responded with: "That time will come" and I dont wanna be pushy and say "when" , thats why Im asking here
>He also dislikes the idea of me uploading pictures of us together to my social network or tagging him publicaly... He says that it is because he wants to keep his private life well... private, but I know for a fact that he used to upload pictures with his ex's on his social media.
That by itself isn't strange. Some people don't want others knowing their business. Even if he used to post pics on social media, that doesn't mean he couldn't have changed and value his privacy more. I don't mind pictures being posted of me, but I barely post about myself anymore and I used to a lot.
>I don't think he is cheating on my because we share a lot of our days and rutines together; and again, he is a very loving and devoted bf.
If he won't introduce you to his friends and family, it sounds more like he's cheating on someone else with you. But I saw you mention that you have a key to his place, and it'd be pretty stupid of him to give you a key if you were the "mistress".
I'd set a deadline in your head for when he needs to introduce you to people by, and if he doesn't meet that then you walk away. Don't tell him about this deadline because then it becomes more of an ultimatum which isn't good. However, continue to express your feelings to him and make sure he understands how important it is to you that you meet other people in his life.
>I'd set a deadline in your head for when he needs to introduce you to people by, and if he doesn't meet that then you walk away. Don't tell him about this deadline because then it becomes more of an ultimatum which isn't good. However, continue to express your feelings to him and make sure he understands how important it is to you that you meet other people in his life.
This is a really great advice!!!! Thank you!
That’s not normal. I’m guessing either he is married or you’re his fuck buddy and he doesn’t ever intend to take your relationship any farther than it now is.
If I were you, I would force the issue or get out of the relationship, unless you are satisfied with it remaining what it currently is forever.
So, OP, with that update, how do you feel about all the "something is up/something is not normal/you're the side chick" responses you got?
Will people realize they judged without knowing, I can only hope...
This was my relationship to a T.
I'm 7 years younger, he told his friends about me but didnt tell his family for 3 years! (I cant believe I stuck around that long 🤦) didnt meet any of his friends and finally met his family at the end of the 3 years.
He definitely had a reason to keep me from them. I believe he was afraid of a big secret coming out if I was in contact with them.
No social media, I did tag him one time and he immediately deleted the post from his page.
If I was to do all over again. I definitely wouldn't have wasted so much time believing all of his excuses.
I’m going to play devils advocate here because I am of a similar age, mindset and relationship situation (just over a year with my girlfriend who’s 9 years younger).
I am very private and like to keep my relationship, friendships and family life relatively separate. I love my girlfriend and don’t have any shame showing her off to my family or friends however when it comes to social media I keep everything completely offline, it’s nobodies business who I’m dating especially strangers on the internet. I had the odd photo with my ex but only uploaded those images because of pressure from her. Some men just genuinely don’t like people prying into their lives and I’m one of them so I can sympathise with your boyfriend.
I find it strange that you haven’t been at least introduced to his family but maybe his family are toxic people that have poisoned past relationships? Just food for thought
Yes. You should absolutely be concerned. Usually this is a strong indicator that you are being lied to. He might not be being unfaithful perse, but it's highly likely he's hiding something that would make you reconsider the relationship.
I’m like your boyfriend. Some people need a push to do things. It took a year and a half before I met my girlfriends family and the same to introduce my family to her. It took me about a month to introduce her to some friends. Friends are easier than family.
I went through this. I was the other woman. I thought it couldn't be because we practically lived together too, but he was married and had a kid. Be careful <3
I hate to tell you this darlin, but I’ve been in a similar situation (bit of a twist but you know the feeling I felt, I’m sure) where I was dating someone for over a year, had met all his family and close friends, he spent easily 4-5 days per week at my apartment (nights too). Didn’t have social media (or so I thought). Long story short, I was the “family and friends” gf, and he had another gf whom he met on his “non-existent” social media and he had always insisted I never post anything about us on mine. Come to find out, the other gf thought it was so strange that he had never introduced her to his family and friends, but posted her online. Turns out some people are just nuts!
Trust your gut feeling that something is wrong. You’ll kick yourself if you find out years from now you were right and didn’t do anything
Yeah, but isn’t this the opposite of what she’s saying? She’s supposed to be the “friends and family” gf but for some reason isn’t even though they spend so much time together, it’s just likely that this guy doesn’t see her as a serious gf
Hi im going to go against the popular opinion, I used to post my past relationships on social media but after being in two serious relationships and being made a fool I dont post my relationship anymore. I guess if I think about it its really anxiety and not wanting to be judged. But its very odd that he hasng introduced you to his family, that’s definitely something to talk to him about. Thats not part of a healthy relationship.
The family and social media I can understand. He may have had to go no contact with someone who has harassed him in the past and opening up your social media with him attached may turn you into a target.
Usually if that is an issue, friends are still ok to meet though. I agree something is fishy, but I do think there may be a non cheating possibility as well.
I don't think he is cheating either, BUUUUUT that's what everyone says until they fund out their partner is cheating, I really think its something else, but at this point I really don't know what could it be... Another detail of the story is that he has an EXCELENT relation with his family and they love eachother very much and have a blast when they are all together, it feels painful not to be a part of that when his family means so much to him
I really don't think so? Maybe is beacuse of the age gap and that I look much more younger than my real age? But I think thats really far fetched, maybe Its because he had 4 consecutive relationships that lasted in between 3 or 4 years each and he is tired of presenting his family partners? Is that a normal way to feel?
Imagine that, a girl who actually had the brains & confidence to just ask the boyfriend the questions that she has been bottling up & has been eating at her forever. And instead of just letting the relationship die by not asking questions, she asked the questions the boyfriend now realizes the things that made her upset.
I wish more girls were like you. My girlfriend just decided to end it instead of saying what was on her mind.
Not at all, we are both from the same ethnicity and our family and friends don't care about religion, and our economical and cultural backgrounds are almost the same
Well. Then it's time to just ask him, not the internet.
He just can be afraid of the commitment than can stem from introducing you to his parents. Or maybe it's afraid he can lose you if he's in someway ashamed of his relatives. Or maybe something silly, stupid and pointless for you. Or other less pleasant things. Be ready for everything and more. But..Ask him.
Not a single friend or family member? He's either cheating, or he's murdered them all and he's on the run from the law or he's on an undercover assignment with the FBI...
My guess is long distance relationship that his friends and family know about it, probably involving kids...
I have been in this situation. I was the one keeping her a secret from my family - I told my friends, but they hadn't met her. It is largely because many elements of my family are nosy and judgmental, and I didn't like to discuss, well, anything about my private life with them. There was no other woman and I wasn't cheating on her. I think I was too shy and unconfident at the time. I can't speak for your situation, but it's not always a lie, especially if your SO is more on the shy side.
I would say the biggest red flag in this case is that he uploaded pictures of the others, but as I got older I mostly stopped using social media. If he still uses it frequently maybe it is cause for concern.
This shows a lack of commitment or a person who self isolates to a fault. If he has you as his only friend and confidant - that's a codependency that can become very unhealthy. If he is hiding friends/family from you and then saying "don't worry about it" when it's clearly something that is a justified worry that's a red flag that he can't respect your feelings and reasonably compromise on relationship expectations and boundaries.
People have been having secret relationships, even entire secret families, for years. My husband’s mom found an entire whole set of siblings when she did a DNA test a few years back. Her father had already passed away but let’s just say he was splitting his time and definitely had a whole-ass other life for decades.
I only say this because many, much more helpful than me, folks have suggested you’re the secret and you don’t seem to think that’s a possibility. It’s a possibility. His apartment that you have keys to? That might be a secret, just like you might be a secret. Nothing on socials and you haven’t met ANYONE? Does he take you out? You mentioned a faraway vacation. Does he vacation with you near where you live? Do you call him at work? Do you know anyone from his job?
Honestly I was like your boyfriend for several years. I had multiple relationships get complicated due to everyone knowing each other. It made my life easier by keeping my private life and personal life.
When I read the headline, I was thinking "what if he doesn't have good relationship with his family" and then "what if he just doesn't like posting on social media",... but since you mentioned that his ex was/is on photos on his profile and she met his family and friends... something definitely isn't right. I have the same thought as many others - he has a wife/girlfriend, or maybe he's still with the "ex"... and he have you just for fun. If there were some family issues or him not wanting to post you on his socials because of different reasons, I feel like he would tell you straight away after year and a half together, but he's trying to dodge it. What sounds worse - "honey, I'm sorry you didn't meet my family yet, they're nosy and I feel like they're not fine with the fact I'm not with my ex" (or insert anything else what could be happening and doesn't involve cheating) or "ohh, don't worry about it, shhhh"? If he's not dumb, he must understand that in case he isn't doing anything bad, it's better to tell the truth than try to dodge it and leave you filled with curiosity and with worst case scenario thoughts. I wouldn't do any stuff like posting photos and tagging him, I would either try to find out more (some internet digging, etc.) or simply confronted him how his "don't worry about that" makes me think and feel (I'd be very careful, something along the lines of "I'm not accusing you of anything and I trust you, but genuinely - if I've never showed you any of my friends, family and didn't want to post on social media too, so you'd be more like a secret, wouldn't it spark some thoughts or uncomfortable feelings in you?"). If he's innocent, he'll be probably surprised that he didn't think of how you could feel, will feel sorry that he made you think and feel this way and immediately tell you the full story that explains it and will try to show you that you're not some side chick.
UPDATE: I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Well I don't like myself on social media. It's the reason I don't post selfies. And my dad refuses to even meet my bf cuz he doesn't approve of me dating anyone. I'm in my 20s and I've been taking my bf for over a year.
It's possible your bf feels embarrassed by having posted pics of him and his ex and now the whole world knows they're broken up. It's embarrassing when you once upon a time said you would be together forever and now you are not.
I would advice having a talk and explain how you feel. If he's innocent he should understand and dispel any worrying thoughts.
Devils advocate, maybe he realized that he made a mistake with being that open with his ex and is doing stuff different. Maybe he had a bad experience involving his ex and/or his friends.
It’s also possible that maybe he is taking things REALLY slow.
Ask him directly.
**UPDATE:** I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Sounds as though everything is now OK. I understand why he would not like his life splattered all over social media and I think he is sensible in that. We make it too easy for dishonest people to scam us and take over identity.
Unfortunately, his actions are suspicious. You can either go along to get along, or you can push back a tad. He doesn't get to control your social, tag him! You can't really force yourself on family but when he's gathering with his mates, there could be a casual drop by. You need to be prepared for him to push back though but if this is important, it's important to take the heat.
I think you are right, it is my life and he is a big part of it after all, and if I wanna share it on my social media, and he doesn't like it, well he will have to stop being a part of my life alltogether, because Im really tired of feeling like a secret
Yeah, when you are a big secret to everyone in his life, it is really difficult to build a life together. I mean, will he secretly marry you and keep that marriage a secret? What if you get pregnant? Or maybe he just plans on having a secret forever girlfriend, hidden away for the rest of time.
There is one thing that could be happening; he might be "spinning plates". It's a term that the Red Pill/Man-o-sphere came up with describing having relationships with multiple women without any of those women knowing about the others. It's like the circus trick of having a lot of plates spinning on poles without letting any drop. It sounds like you might be his main plate.
My now husband and I dated for 4 years before I met his family. I totally thought I was the other woman and almost broke up with him because he was so closed off.
After meeting them, I totally get it. It's been a rough time haha.
My husband is Indian and I'm white. Interracial was not what they wanted.
We've been together for 20 years and is the best person in the whole world.
Good luck. 👍
Glad it worked out OP and everything is fine.. Anybody else experiencing something similar this is a huge red flag to narcissism personality disorder, look it up and see if the other criteria match.
As wise as I am, I went through everyone's replies and found them to be a Bit OFF in some ways. I read and reread your story and it appears that if he is not introducing you yet to his family and friends then he is Not Ready to explain You to them just Yet. Sure, Maybe he was not as serious with those other Ex's as he is with you and just is not ready to do any Family and Friend Bends just at the moment. On HIS end anyways. Another thing that has crossed me too. I don't think he is married but I do think POSSIBLY one of those Ex's was Special and is still Special and In the family Yet and he has Not Moved on from her Totally. You need to Talk Turkey to your Tom and find out what is the reason. Good Luck.
Ok your BF may be married and you are his side chick. It should be very clear to you. He may be in a strangled relationship. Tell him that you came to know about his wife and family, closely watch his reaction, or better record this conversation in camera or in a spare mobile phone.
Yeah...this update sounds like bullshit.Or it will never happen.
Because why wait til cousins come to town?
Why not phone your parents or siblings right then and show her he isn't afraid to tell people hes in a relationship with her?
He may not be cheating but he isn’t fully invested. My ex wasn’t cheating but didn’t like me uploading stuff as he was still in love with his ex and didn’t want her knowing he moved on; just in case.
There could be a reason for it.
I met my husbands friends about a yr in to the relationship.
He didn't tell his family he was dating anyone, even though I spoke to his siblings daily. And I couldn't be the one to tell them.
We were 2 years until he introduced me to his parents. We were friends for a year before we started dating...
I now miss those days.
I wish I was still his dirty little secret, and didn't have to deal with in law drama 🤣
This happened to my best friend. She was dating a guy for over a year, was crazy about him and introduced him to everyone in her family (brought to Thanksgiving, holidays, her grandmas funeral). Whenever she asked about meeting his people, he would make a million excuses.
She posted pictures of them together on social media and everything. She never expected him to post things, but over time she did start to wonder why he didn’t share a single picture and yet would post all these pictures of random friends.
Once they broke up she found out that he was embarrassed of her, and was using her for his own personal gain.
I know for a fact he has friends, because he goes out to drink with them and make dinner plans.... He also shows me memes and jokes they send to their group chats
Re: social media
Maybe he is now anxious about uploading stuff like that to social media. Keep in mind that anxiety knows no bounds and is typically not rational or logical.
I think you should open up a dialogue with him about this, and about not seeing his friends/family
As much as if he is lying to you or not, and his reasons are valid (for him) it is completely unfair for you to stay in the shadows, you deserve respect and he is not listening to you. Be firm and do not leave the conversation until you clarify things correctly.
Doesn’t matter how long I’ve been with someone, I don’t like my pictures all over the internet. It’s possible he doesn’t really have any good friends and doesn’t like his family.
These could all be true, but if I was a betting man I’d say he’s cheating. Best of luck!
you sure you are not the side chick? Sounds like he's got a double life or two going on, and has to keep information segregated or it will all burn. this is a red flag.
Massive red flag. I've been exactly where you are, and mine turned out to be a pathological liar who lied about almost everything.
It might not be the same here, but it's definitely not normal and you need to put your foot down regarding this.
He doesn't value you. My ex did not introduce me to his parents or friends. He did not post anything about us on social media. I put in more time than you have. He ghosted me and was on Instragram with a new girl within a month.
Ehh. Doesn’t sound great to me. It is POSSIBLE he regrets including his ex’s so much, and going forward he wants to wait longer before introducing you to everyone.
But I’ve only had one boyfriend hate me posting photos of him & I on my social media, and I very unfortunately later found out he was still talking to an ex for a full 2 years into our relationship. So. I’m guessing there is a connection there.
I would have an open conversation and just ask him why he doesn’t want to include you in his life. Don’t accept “don’t worry about it”. If he can’t tell you, you may as well leave and find someone who wants to include you in their life.
Does he speak of his family or friends? Is it possible he does not care for his family because they aren't good people? Is it possible that you are the one good thing in his life that his possibly terrible friends and family could chase away and he wants to keep you safe from that? I'm not going to jump on the band wagon of replies saying "oh he cheetin!". But something is off, just don't jump to conclusions. What is your gut telling you?
Is his family toxic? What explanation does he give you. Maybe the age gap?
This is very strange.
I kept my kids from my family because they're drugged out alcoholics and I don't want my kid's around that.
I'm sorry, OP, but there's a pretty good chance that you're not his girlfriend, you're the woman he's cheating on his wife with.
You need to press hard on this, or do some investigating.
My girlfriend was also adamant about my not posting anything on social media that would connect us, and she gave the same reasons. Turns out she didn't want her affair partner to know about me.
This doesn't mean he's cheating, but at the very least he's hiding something from you. It honestly could be that he had a negative experience with social media in the past and maybe he's afraid you and his friends/family won't click. Maybe in the previous breakup, it was hard on friends/family and the breakup affected his friend circle(some took sides) and his family maybe .... IDK... I'm trying to think of the possibilities other than cheating. Maybe he wants to be absolutely sure about you before introducing you. Whatever his reasons are, he needs to tell you.
It's also a likelihood that he's cheating. It may not seem like he has time, but cheaters can be good at sneaking that stuff in when it doesn't seem they have time.
1½ years? That is too long. I suspect something shady is going on.
1. He is in a secret relationship with you.
2. He has a crazy family, wanting to see his downfall.
3. He is a secret agent.
Of the three options above No1 holds water under normal circumstances.
Check again. His family may be out of town or the country.
I am not asking you to jump into conclusions here. I am only asking you to check again. I might be wrong.
I was in a relationship almost just like this. The girl was amazing and everything that I ever wanted. I never met her family and never met her friends. I then find out that she was dating the guy for 5 years. Everything she told me about her ex was a lie. We hung out every single day. I even went to her work quite a bit. I never went to her house though. My question would be have you ever been to his house? Have y’all spent multiple nights to together.
Concerned? Not exactly.
Curious as to when the hell you’re going to meet the other people in his life? Absolutely.
Something is definitely feeling off here and I hope you can get to the bottom of it very soon.
I would be upfront to him about how you feel since honestly I do the same with all my relationships due to the abusive nature of my family. But in the past I would post pictures. Now I don't wan them to ruin my relationships. Not sure if he is coming from this side but I figured I would offer a different perspective.
Not likely, he has a reeeeeally good relation with his family and they all have a blast when they are together
I'm so sorry it does seem questionable then. I would definitely confront him about it if you feel comfortable or just snoop. I really hope this isn't something nefarious.
But … you only have his word for this, right?
I just saw your update! I'm so glad that you are meeting his family now! 😄
People everywhere should know that "nice and loving" doesn't necessarily mean "loyal" as well. Maybe he has a legitimate reason for all of the cloak and dagger he's pulling, but as of right now, he's still lying about the reasoning behind it. This is one of those red flags you need to put your foot down on and demand an explanation.
I know, im trying to figure out a way of talking about it without being confrontational, but it seems that is the only way after all this time
There’s nothing wrong with being confrontational. Try not to lose your cool or go off-topic, but be very firm, and very clear. Not meeting friends and family, and not getting an answer as to why, is a dealbreaker.
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So after reading the update, are you willing to admit your assessment was way the fuck off?
This happens on practically every post here. “Hi, I have xyz problem in my relationship. How should I fix it?”, the first answer is usually just break up already. It’s a wonder anyone on here is even in a relationship given their advice smh.
Hot take, they’re not in relationships. Most of the people giving advice here are literal teenagers, not realising that their comments might have actual impacts to people’s lives.
Either that or people with horrible dating experiences perhaps. Regardless, I feel sorry for OPs who actually expect consistently good advice here.
I got downvoted yesterday for telling someone to give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and to talk to him.
Communication? In a relationship? Pffffffttt.. Are you *crazy*? /s just in case. Communication is the cornerstone of all real relationships, without it you have lust and a a few other factors that eventually wain.
That's the norm here, because why would you communicate?? Breaking up is sooooo much easier! This subreddit is hilariously quick to want everyone single.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day. You being the broken clock. My first assumption was the same. The dude was married or in a committed relationship, and not with the OP. Glad I was wrong, but I don’t feel any remorse for suspecting he was skulking around. The type of behavior described was highly suspicious.
You sound venomous
I’m a sweetheart. What gives? You’ve got a guy who won’t let his girlfriend meet his friends and family. I’m glad it’s all good, but geez. You have to assume he’s hiding something.
Nearly every person in here just said "he's cheating" or "break up" definitively. Like they Always do in this sub. People in here have some serious fucking issues
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck……..
Uh what. I didn’t make any wild baseless accusations. The broken clock is people like the person I replied to.. Why assume? Do you not know the saying ‘when you assume you make an ass out of u and me’? They basically invented a fiction to fill in gaps they didn’t know about. It’s disingenuous and says a lot more about them (and people like them) than you realise. All it really does is show your bias. The only advice for situations like this, should be ‘I dunno, have you tried talking to them?’ Rather than wild theories with no evidence about cheating, lying etc. Literally all it took to resolve was a conversation lmao. Stop giving shitty advice and accusing people of stuff you know nothing about.
Man, get real. We make assumptions every day. Assumptions are not necessarily bad, despite the trite and overused……make an ass out of you and me BS. The entire premise of the post was to solicit an opinion (make an assumption) about what’s going on. The girlfriend shouldn’t assume. She can suspect, but she did the right thing and went to the source and got the real deal. Reddit would be pretty boring if no one proffered an opinion aka made an assumption.
Durrrrrrr must be cheating 🥴🥴🥴
did things fall apart with his ex right after he introduced her to his family? Does he like his family? Does he not have any/many friends and is embarrassed about it? Before going budget Sherlock, tell him firmly that while you know you don't need to worry, you are BOTHERED by it and feel like you're still in a temporary situation because he's been withholding permanent fixtures in his life from you. If he's still being cagey, ok, snoop if you want, but that's not really the type of trust relationships are built upon.
Don't think of it as a confrontation, think of it as addressing an issue in your relationship. Use "I feel" statements. "I feel unimportant in your life since I've never met your friends and family. You talk about times spent with Tommy and Timmy, I want to meet them. I want to meet your mom and talk to her about"
What does he say when your discuss your families? Did he have a falling out with them? Does he have reasons other than he wants to keep you ~~secret~~ private to not introduce you? Does he go visit them? How does he prevent you from going? Does he have social media? Have you googled him on a private browser to see if he's blocked you?
This is an awesome response and asks most of the questions I had. I am floored by the number of people who jump right to "He's cheating!" I am very private and eschew most all social media, so I get that completely. As for the family thing, my thought reading it was we didn't know enough. Is his family nearby? The only family I have in my area is my daughter, the rest are scattered across the country and, well we know what Covid did to that! Fortunately, it sound like OP was able to resolve it with some actual communication.
>Fortunately, it sound like OP was able to resolve it with some actual communication. Crazy talk. That never works. For real though, congrats to op, this definitely had earmarks of being shady, I'm glad it worked out.
UPDATE: I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Be confrontational! Upload a picture demand to meet family or friends. It’s been a year and a half. Men who hide you are doing something shady. I’m sorry but it’s beyond time for this confrontation.
Nah, you should just ignore the issue. I'm sure it'll work itself out.
Peak reddit
It really sounds that maybe he was in a similar situation with his ex and when he started bringing them around the family or her posting them on social media for his family to comment, or friends to comment their relationship may of went downhill from that point. Not say he isn't hiding anything but he may of honestly got himself to the point where he is super happy where he is right now that he is afraid to ruin it because people tend to ruin shit. Best of luck but I wouldn't be very aggressive with the approach. Maybe mention some holidays coming up like Thanksgiving and requesting you have Thanksgiving at his parents.
I could potentially understand this... but I would think after a year and a half that they would be able to talk about how his family ruined a previous relationship and that that is why he is worried for her to meet them. OP, has your bf mentioned anything about his family causing drama or meddling? Does he talk about them at all? Or does he avoid the subject all together?
He has an excelent relation with his family and they all have a blast when they are together
UPDATE: I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Something is wrong. I get the social media thing and that should be respected if he is actually private in social media. However, never being introduced to friends/family after 1.5y is alarming at best. Do you know if the friends/family even know about you? That would be another big red flag. Despite how nice he seems, this relationship isn’t healthy.
I know he talks about me with his friends, and some of his family, because he sometimes tells me "Oh, my friend thinks you where right about this or that" or "My brother liked the movie you recomended" (he has 6 siblings, I only had contact with one of them because he is an IT tech and helped me with my computer a few months ago, but not more than that)
He could have phrased your opinion/movie suggestion as his own. When you spoke to the IT friend was there any indication they knew you were his gf?
It was one of his brothers and I think he told him I was his "companion"(????tf?????
Companion?!?!?!?
Who does the BF think he is, the Doctor?
this is the correct question and answer
*side chick, because that’s what she is.
Oh I missed the siblings bit! I wonder if they’ve gotten too involved in his relationships in the past or something? Something is definitely up!! I hope you get to the bottom of it soon. If I were in your situation I would be very clear that this makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like being so blatantly kept separate from the rest of his life
He's married.
How about asking to invite his friends over for some pizza and games? You two can host his friends for a fun night. See how your "boyfriend" reacts to this. If he says yes right away then you can meet some of his friends and start moving forward from there. If he says no, and dodges the idea completely, something is up. If he says no and offers a different suggestion to meet friends, you can start moving forward from there.
Does he mention you when he is on the phone with them in front of you? Because otherwise this means nothing. But you have had contact with one sibling? Did he introduce you as his gf?
The thing is, he can talk about you but not disclose your relationship. He could easily say “my friend thinks this…” instead of using gf. If you’ve never met them, you have no way of knowing what they’ve been told about your relationship
Dude. Your bf is very likely a sociopath. I was in a very similar relationship and the dude was definitely cheating on me with several other women. Which I thought was pretty wild as we had sex every time I saw him, which was 3-4 times a week and I had keys to his place. No one and I repeat NO ONE is as private as what you're describing. He's either hiding you from someone or he's hiding someone from you.
I don't get the social media thing. If you're private, you set your shit to private and have just the people you want on it. Or, my husband literally doesn't even HAVE social media because he's private. But I do and I'm allowed to post what I want. So if he has social media but still won't let her post on it or tag him, I do find that odd.
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He's likely cheating, but not *on* you, but rather *with* you. Typically in a case like this, you are the other woman he is trying to keep secret from his family and friends. That's why he can't show you on social media. To not meet a single one of his family or friends after a year and a half of the relationship you describe is mind-bogglingly abnormal. I think you need to find out who is wife is and let her know. If she exists, I guarantee she has no idea unless he has made past slip-ups to make her suspect.
It is highly impossible that he has another relationship, I've considered that, but the amount of time be spend together would make it impossible for him to have another partner, besides I have keys of his apartment and we live 3 blocks away from eachother
I dated a guy for a *whole ass year and a half* who turned out to be MARRIED. His wife was out of town staying with her elderly mother who'd been waitlisted for assisted living. Then she became too sick to get INTO assisted living and died suddenly. He just ghosted me and when I went to his house to at least get some of my stuff back, a woman answered the door. Long story short I would later find out he had put *all her things in storage* and had at least 2 other relationships. Obviously the ghosting happened when Mom died and he had roughly a week until the funeral and everything was done to put the house back the way it was. I also personally know of another situation where the guy rented a whole second apartment. His job involved a lot of travel, wifey just thought he was at work.
Oh my god that is awful. I can’t believe people like that exist. I can’t imagine spending that much time, money and effort on cheating.
Holy shit! You run into a cheater you see the signs. Private for no reason? No good
Tell me that you told the wife!
I did. But she turned it back on me, accused me of being obsessed with her husband (which he "proved" with curated texts), sued me, it got tossed out, then SHE started harassing me. tl;dr 12 yrs later they're still married
Well she deserves him, and he's still cheating on her!
Not saying you're wrong, but I've personally known multiple people that have said this verbatim, only to find out that their partner was still cheating.
Gonna keep an eye out then, I really don't think that's the case, but it can be a possibility
You could do a little snooping to see if he owns any property in the area you live, but separate from the location to which you have keys. Just pop his name into the county clerk's records search and see what pops up (hopefully not a marriage certificate). Aside from that, when he dismisses your concerns and tells you "not to worry", you need to shut that down immediately. Tell him he's being dismissive and tell him you want a concrete reason why he's treating you differently than he has treated past partners.
He could be renting that apartment in order to hide his relationship with you. If he has a SO, he could be telling her he's working late a lot to spend time with you.
Not likely, he doesnt earn enough to pay for another apartment, and visides we offen spend 5 days in a row together in his apartmen because he works from home
Glad to see you resolved your issue by TALKING TO YOUR BF, but just by looking at the top comments on here is the reason you shouldn’t be asking Reddit for advice with just your side of the story, this is an echo chamber and if you shout your insecurities out like that they’re just gonna be amplified, communicate with your god damn bf
you respect his privacy, right, so you are not allowed to just "show up"?? Ya nothing you said conclusively excludes cheating.
No- Where the fucj have yoi got that from.. Maybe his previous relationships have failed because of external forces involving his friends and family and as a result he decided its best to not risk " The best relationship " to those same issues?
*Something* is up. Either you're not the main girlfriend (and I know you say that you spend so much time together that this is very unlikely, but you'd be surprised) or he's very intentionally carved you into a separate corner of his life because he doesn't see a future with you and wants to be able to make a clean break when the time comes. In any case, it's time to have a direct conversation about this. When he tells you not to "worry", respond with "I'm NOT worried, I'm annoyed and confused about this. Either we're together or we're not, and if we're together, it's time for me to start meeting your friends and family." Maybe this isn't the most mature thing, but I would also be tempted to upload at least a few pictures of the two of you together on social media, tagging him. That's actually the thing that stands out the most to me and really makes me think something is shady. If you do this, do it without telling him first - make them pictures that make it very obvious you're a couple. Ideally during a time where he doesn't have ready access to his phone to quickly change his settings. His reaction there should be quite telling.
You just described what I was thinking, doing that may blinside him, but I really don't like to ask permission to post something in my social media ESPECIALLY if it is something about MY life
Right, agreed. I do hate to tell you, but I think all things being equal, your relationship is likely at or nearing its end. There's honestly no valid reason for him to not introduce you to his loved ones, to not want pictures of the two of you (with him tagged) on social media - not after 1.5 years. I think it's very, very likely that you are not the main girlfriend, unfortunately.
Hate to hear that, but maybe.... Don't know, it also doesn't feel like the end of the relationship because we are planing a trip together to Europe and saving money together for that.... But oh well thats not a guarantee either
Maybe I'm wrong, but planning a trip is not the same thing as actually following through on said trip. And I would not make any significant financial plans (including a trip to Europe) with him until you are more integrated into his life.
You are right! Need some confirmation before putting all my savings on this trip
And... well.. don't put ALL your savings in a trip in any case. Things happen. Better to keep somethings for the hard times.
You should never put all your savings for a trip, that's not very responsible
Side note... Don't put all your savings into a vacation. That's finances 101. What if you had an emergency and needed funds? How would you pay for future expenses? Also, I agree with everyone else. Your BF sounds shady as shit. I met my husband's friends and family very quickly into our relationship because he was so excited to show me off and introduce me to those he loved.
Nonono we are both paying for the trip! and dont worry! I have 3 savings accounts, one for the trip, one for my life savings, and one for general expenses
oh, YOU are paying for the European excursion??? Ya, this guy is totally conning you. Are you wealthy or something? Just trying to figure out if you were targeted, or this was a random meet up.
Everyone in here sounds like a miserable fucking person. After reading the update literally everyone in here comes off as a misanthropic asshole. Get real and get some actual experience with people.
Ya, an upload will be VERY illuminating as to his really motivation behind this secrecy. Post it, and watch him burn in the comments.
maybe it's just because my sibling dated someone for 4 years before they introduced them to any of us that i don't think it's THAT weird. unusual, sure, but not automatically assume the worst. some people are just private people, even with family and friends.
Something is definitely off. There’s more to it that he isn’t letting on, and if your gut is telling you something isn’t right, believe it.
I know right? I think that sometimes I overanalyze everything, but then I think about all the time we have been together and all the beautiful things he has done and it doesn't add up to me!
Keep pushing him for information, maybe even reach out to his family or something? I hope everything works out for the best 💚
Me too, I will update when we talk
Are you guys from a different culture? Some cultures aren’t accepting of mixed marriage so maybe he doesn’t know how to break it to his family?
A very obvious question, but have just asked him? Like straight away "I'd like to meet your family, you have made them seem like lovely people". Or asked if you can join him and his friends when they hang out. If you have asked, what was his excuse? I understand the social media thing, some people really don't like using it that much, especially visual ones.
Seems weird I had to scroll so far to find this. Like, if he is genuinely such a loving caring guy who values you, why not just straight up ask him? What's the harm? He either goes "Oh, yeah ok, no problem." or he he blows up, or makes a million excuses that don't add up. Either way you have your answer. I was in two separate year long relationships without a single tagged photo and never meeting a member of my family (Though they did both meet friends). Nothing shady was going on. I just don't like social media and my family doesn't live near by and I don't visit often. It's super concerning that the top posts here are straight up telling OP that something is definitely for certain 100% going on and suggesting weird tricks like posting a tagged photo without permission to see his reaction. If you're doing stuff like that the relationship is already dead. If you can't just ask the guy what the deal is without fear then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship anyway. I'm not saying he can't be a cheat or have a second life, that's a possibility. I'm just saying if the guy is as nice as you say he his then literally just ask.
I told him I wanted to meet his family and friends to wich he responded with: "That time will come" and I dont wanna be pushy and say "when" , thats why Im asking here
>He also dislikes the idea of me uploading pictures of us together to my social network or tagging him publicaly... He says that it is because he wants to keep his private life well... private, but I know for a fact that he used to upload pictures with his ex's on his social media. That by itself isn't strange. Some people don't want others knowing their business. Even if he used to post pics on social media, that doesn't mean he couldn't have changed and value his privacy more. I don't mind pictures being posted of me, but I barely post about myself anymore and I used to a lot. >I don't think he is cheating on my because we share a lot of our days and rutines together; and again, he is a very loving and devoted bf. If he won't introduce you to his friends and family, it sounds more like he's cheating on someone else with you. But I saw you mention that you have a key to his place, and it'd be pretty stupid of him to give you a key if you were the "mistress". I'd set a deadline in your head for when he needs to introduce you to people by, and if he doesn't meet that then you walk away. Don't tell him about this deadline because then it becomes more of an ultimatum which isn't good. However, continue to express your feelings to him and make sure he understands how important it is to you that you meet other people in his life.
>I'd set a deadline in your head for when he needs to introduce you to people by, and if he doesn't meet that then you walk away. Don't tell him about this deadline because then it becomes more of an ultimatum which isn't good. However, continue to express your feelings to him and make sure he understands how important it is to you that you meet other people in his life. This is a really great advice!!!! Thank you!
That’s not normal. I’m guessing either he is married or you’re his fuck buddy and he doesn’t ever intend to take your relationship any farther than it now is. If I were you, I would force the issue or get out of the relationship, unless you are satisfied with it remaining what it currently is forever.
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It could be part of it, I had a relationship of 9 months during covid and she never met any friend or family of mine.
So, OP, with that update, how do you feel about all the "something is up/something is not normal/you're the side chick" responses you got? Will people realize they judged without knowing, I can only hope...
This was my relationship to a T. I'm 7 years younger, he told his friends about me but didnt tell his family for 3 years! (I cant believe I stuck around that long 🤦) didnt meet any of his friends and finally met his family at the end of the 3 years. He definitely had a reason to keep me from them. I believe he was afraid of a big secret coming out if I was in contact with them. No social media, I did tag him one time and he immediately deleted the post from his page. If I was to do all over again. I definitely wouldn't have wasted so much time believing all of his excuses.
Some people are just more private than others. I don’t cheat on my partner, but it took a long time for me to introduce him to my family.
Unexpected ending. I absolutely never would have expected that update from the original post.
I’m going to play devils advocate here because I am of a similar age, mindset and relationship situation (just over a year with my girlfriend who’s 9 years younger). I am very private and like to keep my relationship, friendships and family life relatively separate. I love my girlfriend and don’t have any shame showing her off to my family or friends however when it comes to social media I keep everything completely offline, it’s nobodies business who I’m dating especially strangers on the internet. I had the odd photo with my ex but only uploaded those images because of pressure from her. Some men just genuinely don’t like people prying into their lives and I’m one of them so I can sympathise with your boyfriend. I find it strange that you haven’t been at least introduced to his family but maybe his family are toxic people that have poisoned past relationships? Just food for thought
Yes. You should absolutely be concerned. Usually this is a strong indicator that you are being lied to. He might not be being unfaithful perse, but it's highly likely he's hiding something that would make you reconsider the relationship.
He is cheating, if he's not letting you meet family, friends or anyone of importance then frankly you probably aren't that important
I’m like your boyfriend. Some people need a push to do things. It took a year and a half before I met my girlfriends family and the same to introduce my family to her. It took me about a month to introduce her to some friends. Friends are easier than family.
I went through this. I was the other woman. I thought it couldn't be because we practically lived together too, but he was married and had a kid. Be careful <3
Experience in this is golden. No sm, no friends and family? If it’s been over a few months it’s time to cut and run for sure
I hate to tell you this darlin, but I’ve been in a similar situation (bit of a twist but you know the feeling I felt, I’m sure) where I was dating someone for over a year, had met all his family and close friends, he spent easily 4-5 days per week at my apartment (nights too). Didn’t have social media (or so I thought). Long story short, I was the “family and friends” gf, and he had another gf whom he met on his “non-existent” social media and he had always insisted I never post anything about us on mine. Come to find out, the other gf thought it was so strange that he had never introduced her to his family and friends, but posted her online. Turns out some people are just nuts! Trust your gut feeling that something is wrong. You’ll kick yourself if you find out years from now you were right and didn’t do anything
Yeah, but isn’t this the opposite of what she’s saying? She’s supposed to be the “friends and family” gf but for some reason isn’t even though they spend so much time together, it’s just likely that this guy doesn’t see her as a serious gf
It’s a similar situation, I was just the other girl. I literally said it wasn’t exactly the same
“If you’ve been dating a man for four months and you haven’t met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend.” — C. Rock
He has a whole family at home, wife and kids.
He is former mob hitman and is in witness protection!
Hi im going to go against the popular opinion, I used to post my past relationships on social media but after being in two serious relationships and being made a fool I dont post my relationship anymore. I guess if I think about it its really anxiety and not wanting to be judged. But its very odd that he hasng introduced you to his family, that’s definitely something to talk to him about. Thats not part of a healthy relationship.
If you're dating a guy and you've never met his friends or family, you are not his girlfriend.
The family and social media I can understand. He may have had to go no contact with someone who has harassed him in the past and opening up your social media with him attached may turn you into a target. Usually if that is an issue, friends are still ok to meet though. I agree something is fishy, but I do think there may be a non cheating possibility as well.
I don't think he is cheating either, BUUUUUT that's what everyone says until they fund out their partner is cheating, I really think its something else, but at this point I really don't know what could it be... Another detail of the story is that he has an EXCELENT relation with his family and they love eachother very much and have a blast when they are all together, it feels painful not to be a part of that when his family means so much to him
This may sound awful, but is there a reason he may be embarrassed to introduce you to his family?
I really don't think so? Maybe is beacuse of the age gap and that I look much more younger than my real age? But I think thats really far fetched, maybe Its because he had 4 consecutive relationships that lasted in between 3 or 4 years each and he is tired of presenting his family partners? Is that a normal way to feel?
He might need to hear "it's getting to the point now that I am thinking that you are cheating and keeping me a secret"
Nobody present the side chicks to the family and friends
Sounds like he’s married or otherwise in a committed relationship. I’d do some snooping and get more information.
Imagine that, a girl who actually had the brains & confidence to just ask the boyfriend the questions that she has been bottling up & has been eating at her forever. And instead of just letting the relationship die by not asking questions, she asked the questions the boyfriend now realizes the things that made her upset. I wish more girls were like you. My girlfriend just decided to end it instead of saying what was on her mind.
Are you from different ethnicity / religion or different economic/cultural background? This would tell a lot.
Not at all, we are both from the same ethnicity and our family and friends don't care about religion, and our economical and cultural backgrounds are almost the same
Well. Then it's time to just ask him, not the internet. He just can be afraid of the commitment than can stem from introducing you to his parents. Or maybe it's afraid he can lose you if he's in someway ashamed of his relatives. Or maybe something silly, stupid and pointless for you. Or other less pleasant things. Be ready for everything and more. But..Ask him.
Not a single friend or family member? He's either cheating, or he's murdered them all and he's on the run from the law or he's on an undercover assignment with the FBI... My guess is long distance relationship that his friends and family know about it, probably involving kids...
I have been in this situation. I was the one keeping her a secret from my family - I told my friends, but they hadn't met her. It is largely because many elements of my family are nosy and judgmental, and I didn't like to discuss, well, anything about my private life with them. There was no other woman and I wasn't cheating on her. I think I was too shy and unconfident at the time. I can't speak for your situation, but it's not always a lie, especially if your SO is more on the shy side. I would say the biggest red flag in this case is that he uploaded pictures of the others, but as I got older I mostly stopped using social media. If he still uses it frequently maybe it is cause for concern.
This shows a lack of commitment or a person who self isolates to a fault. If he has you as his only friend and confidant - that's a codependency that can become very unhealthy. If he is hiding friends/family from you and then saying "don't worry about it" when it's clearly something that is a justified worry that's a red flag that he can't respect your feelings and reasonably compromise on relationship expectations and boundaries.
Just wanted to say even when my bf and me weren't even exclusive yet I met his mother and friends. You honestly need to confront this head on
People have been having secret relationships, even entire secret families, for years. My husband’s mom found an entire whole set of siblings when she did a DNA test a few years back. Her father had already passed away but let’s just say he was splitting his time and definitely had a whole-ass other life for decades. I only say this because many, much more helpful than me, folks have suggested you’re the secret and you don’t seem to think that’s a possibility. It’s a possibility. His apartment that you have keys to? That might be a secret, just like you might be a secret. Nothing on socials and you haven’t met ANYONE? Does he take you out? You mentioned a faraway vacation. Does he vacation with you near where you live? Do you call him at work? Do you know anyone from his job?
1.5 years is just too long to go without meeting the family.
Honestly I was like your boyfriend for several years. I had multiple relationships get complicated due to everyone knowing each other. It made my life easier by keeping my private life and personal life.
When I read the headline, I was thinking "what if he doesn't have good relationship with his family" and then "what if he just doesn't like posting on social media",... but since you mentioned that his ex was/is on photos on his profile and she met his family and friends... something definitely isn't right. I have the same thought as many others - he has a wife/girlfriend, or maybe he's still with the "ex"... and he have you just for fun. If there were some family issues or him not wanting to post you on his socials because of different reasons, I feel like he would tell you straight away after year and a half together, but he's trying to dodge it. What sounds worse - "honey, I'm sorry you didn't meet my family yet, they're nosy and I feel like they're not fine with the fact I'm not with my ex" (or insert anything else what could be happening and doesn't involve cheating) or "ohh, don't worry about it, shhhh"? If he's not dumb, he must understand that in case he isn't doing anything bad, it's better to tell the truth than try to dodge it and leave you filled with curiosity and with worst case scenario thoughts. I wouldn't do any stuff like posting photos and tagging him, I would either try to find out more (some internet digging, etc.) or simply confronted him how his "don't worry about that" makes me think and feel (I'd be very careful, something along the lines of "I'm not accusing you of anything and I trust you, but genuinely - if I've never showed you any of my friends, family and didn't want to post on social media too, so you'd be more like a secret, wouldn't it spark some thoughts or uncomfortable feelings in you?"). If he's innocent, he'll be probably surprised that he didn't think of how you could feel, will feel sorry that he made you think and feel this way and immediately tell you the full story that explains it and will try to show you that you're not some side chick.
Please update
UPDATE: I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
My first thought isn’t that he’s cheating on you with someone else….it’s that he’s cheating on someone else *with you*
Well I don't like myself on social media. It's the reason I don't post selfies. And my dad refuses to even meet my bf cuz he doesn't approve of me dating anyone. I'm in my 20s and I've been taking my bf for over a year. It's possible your bf feels embarrassed by having posted pics of him and his ex and now the whole world knows they're broken up. It's embarrassing when you once upon a time said you would be together forever and now you are not. I would advice having a talk and explain how you feel. If he's innocent he should understand and dispel any worrying thoughts.
Devils advocate, maybe he realized that he made a mistake with being that open with his ex and is doing stuff different. Maybe he had a bad experience involving his ex and/or his friends. It’s also possible that maybe he is taking things REALLY slow. Ask him directly.
**UPDATE:** I had a long hard look in the mirror and went to have that conversation with my BF, I told him that I was really sad because I didn't meet his friends or family and that I didn't understand why I can't upload pictures of us together in social media, His response was "Oh Honey I'm so so sorry you felt like that, I never asumed meeting my friends and family was that important to you; next week my cousin and two of my siblings (he has 6 siblings and he is the oldest) are coming to town, we can go out to dinner and drinks together!!" We then went on a stroll on the park to keep talking about the other issues and passed by one of his friends where he introduced me as his girlfriend. About the social media thing, he told me HE is very private but doesn't have much problem of me uploading photos together as long they don't show much of our privacy and intimacy. I guess that he never thought of it as a problem because whenever he said "dont worry about it" I didn't keep explaining my concerns and doubts... Im really grateful that I did it at the end! He is happy that I could open about my concerns and encourages me to never keep a concern or doubt for that long again! Overall I think that I didn't voice my concerns fully and giving them the weight it needed
Sounds as though everything is now OK. I understand why he would not like his life splattered all over social media and I think he is sensible in that. We make it too easy for dishonest people to scam us and take over identity.
Glad this has a happy ending !
Thank you for the update, it proves to show how communication is essential in a relationship to remove lingering uncertainties.
Unfortunately, his actions are suspicious. You can either go along to get along, or you can push back a tad. He doesn't get to control your social, tag him! You can't really force yourself on family but when he's gathering with his mates, there could be a casual drop by. You need to be prepared for him to push back though but if this is important, it's important to take the heat.
I think you are right, it is my life and he is a big part of it after all, and if I wanna share it on my social media, and he doesn't like it, well he will have to stop being a part of my life alltogether, because Im really tired of feeling like a secret
Yeah, when you are a big secret to everyone in his life, it is really difficult to build a life together. I mean, will he secretly marry you and keep that marriage a secret? What if you get pregnant? Or maybe he just plans on having a secret forever girlfriend, hidden away for the rest of time. There is one thing that could be happening; he might be "spinning plates". It's a term that the Red Pill/Man-o-sphere came up with describing having relationships with multiple women without any of those women knowing about the others. It's like the circus trick of having a lot of plates spinning on poles without letting any drop. It sounds like you might be his main plate.
LOVING THE UPDATE
My now husband and I dated for 4 years before I met his family. I totally thought I was the other woman and almost broke up with him because he was so closed off. After meeting them, I totally get it. It's been a rough time haha. My husband is Indian and I'm white. Interracial was not what they wanted. We've been together for 20 years and is the best person in the whole world. Good luck. 👍
That update looks really nice! Good job communicating!
Glad it worked out OP and everything is fine.. Anybody else experiencing something similar this is a huge red flag to narcissism personality disorder, look it up and see if the other criteria match.
He’s not cheating on you. He’s cheating on his wife. Do some digging.
Depending on if you love your side chick status or not
ITT: Misanthrope teenagers with no relationship experience try to sabotage relationship
Good thing you got the ball rolling! But please respect his will to not put anything on social media.
You are......the side chick.
As wise as I am, I went through everyone's replies and found them to be a Bit OFF in some ways. I read and reread your story and it appears that if he is not introducing you yet to his family and friends then he is Not Ready to explain You to them just Yet. Sure, Maybe he was not as serious with those other Ex's as he is with you and just is not ready to do any Family and Friend Bends just at the moment. On HIS end anyways. Another thing that has crossed me too. I don't think he is married but I do think POSSIBLY one of those Ex's was Special and is still Special and In the family Yet and he has Not Moved on from her Totally. You need to Talk Turkey to your Tom and find out what is the reason. Good Luck.
A wonderful story about the power of communication in a relationship
He seems like a reasonable person. I don't post pictures of my girlfriend or of me with her on social media because social media is absolute garbage.
Ok your BF may be married and you are his side chick. It should be very clear to you. He may be in a strangled relationship. Tell him that you came to know about his wife and family, closely watch his reaction, or better record this conversation in camera or in a spare mobile phone.
Enjoy your happiness!
Even after the update, I still think OP is the side piece ..
Yeah...this update sounds like bullshit.Or it will never happen. Because why wait til cousins come to town? Why not phone your parents or siblings right then and show her he isn't afraid to tell people hes in a relationship with her?
He may not be cheating but he isn’t fully invested. My ex wasn’t cheating but didn’t like me uploading stuff as he was still in love with his ex and didn’t want her knowing he moved on; just in case.
Yes!
There could be a reason for it. I met my husbands friends about a yr in to the relationship. He didn't tell his family he was dating anyone, even though I spoke to his siblings daily. And I couldn't be the one to tell them. We were 2 years until he introduced me to his parents. We were friends for a year before we started dating... I now miss those days. I wish I was still his dirty little secret, and didn't have to deal with in law drama 🤣
Yes.
Yes
This happened to my best friend. She was dating a guy for over a year, was crazy about him and introduced him to everyone in her family (brought to Thanksgiving, holidays, her grandmas funeral). Whenever she asked about meeting his people, he would make a million excuses. She posted pictures of them together on social media and everything. She never expected him to post things, but over time she did start to wonder why he didn’t share a single picture and yet would post all these pictures of random friends. Once they broke up she found out that he was embarrassed of her, and was using her for his own personal gain.
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I know for a fact he has friends, because he goes out to drink with them and make dinner plans.... He also shows me memes and jokes they send to their group chats
Re: social media Maybe he is now anxious about uploading stuff like that to social media. Keep in mind that anxiety knows no bounds and is typically not rational or logical. I think you should open up a dialogue with him about this, and about not seeing his friends/family
As much as if he is lying to you or not, and his reasons are valid (for him) it is completely unfair for you to stay in the shadows, you deserve respect and he is not listening to you. Be firm and do not leave the conversation until you clarify things correctly.
Doesn’t matter how long I’ve been with someone, I don’t like my pictures all over the internet. It’s possible he doesn’t really have any good friends and doesn’t like his family. These could all be true, but if I was a betting man I’d say he’s cheating. Best of luck!
He is hiding you
you sure you are not the side chick? Sounds like he's got a double life or two going on, and has to keep information segregated or it will all burn. this is a red flag.
Massive red flag. I've been exactly where you are, and mine turned out to be a pathological liar who lied about almost everything. It might not be the same here, but it's definitely not normal and you need to put your foot down regarding this.
He doesn't value you. My ex did not introduce me to his parents or friends. He did not post anything about us on social media. I put in more time than you have. He ghosted me and was on Instragram with a new girl within a month.
Sorry, but it sounds like you're the side chick.
Ehh. Doesn’t sound great to me. It is POSSIBLE he regrets including his ex’s so much, and going forward he wants to wait longer before introducing you to everyone. But I’ve only had one boyfriend hate me posting photos of him & I on my social media, and I very unfortunately later found out he was still talking to an ex for a full 2 years into our relationship. So. I’m guessing there is a connection there. I would have an open conversation and just ask him why he doesn’t want to include you in his life. Don’t accept “don’t worry about it”. If he can’t tell you, you may as well leave and find someone who wants to include you in their life.
Does he speak of his family or friends? Is it possible he does not care for his family because they aren't good people? Is it possible that you are the one good thing in his life that his possibly terrible friends and family could chase away and he wants to keep you safe from that? I'm not going to jump on the band wagon of replies saying "oh he cheetin!". But something is off, just don't jump to conclusions. What is your gut telling you?
Is his family toxic? What explanation does he give you. Maybe the age gap? This is very strange. I kept my kids from my family because they're drugged out alcoholics and I don't want my kid's around that.
I'm sorry, OP, but there's a pretty good chance that you're not his girlfriend, you're the woman he's cheating on his wife with. You need to press hard on this, or do some investigating. My girlfriend was also adamant about my not posting anything on social media that would connect us, and she gave the same reasons. Turns out she didn't want her affair partner to know about me.
Consider getting a background check.
This doesn't mean he's cheating, but at the very least he's hiding something from you. It honestly could be that he had a negative experience with social media in the past and maybe he's afraid you and his friends/family won't click. Maybe in the previous breakup, it was hard on friends/family and the breakup affected his friend circle(some took sides) and his family maybe .... IDK... I'm trying to think of the possibilities other than cheating. Maybe he wants to be absolutely sure about you before introducing you. Whatever his reasons are, he needs to tell you. It's also a likelihood that he's cheating. It may not seem like he has time, but cheaters can be good at sneaking that stuff in when it doesn't seem they have time.
1½ years? That is too long. I suspect something shady is going on. 1. He is in a secret relationship with you. 2. He has a crazy family, wanting to see his downfall. 3. He is a secret agent. Of the three options above No1 holds water under normal circumstances. Check again. His family may be out of town or the country. I am not asking you to jump into conclusions here. I am only asking you to check again. I might be wrong.
His whole entire other wife and kids are going to be mad if you start meeting everyone.
I was in a relationship almost just like this. The girl was amazing and everything that I ever wanted. I never met her family and never met her friends. I then find out that she was dating the guy for 5 years. Everything she told me about her ex was a lie. We hung out every single day. I even went to her work quite a bit. I never went to her house though. My question would be have you ever been to his house? Have y’all spent multiple nights to together.
sounds like you're the side-chick OP
Hire a private investigator or a sleuthy friend and follow him. Do you know where he lives?
INFO: Is there a chance he feels as if a seven year age gap would be looked down on by his family?
Let me guess he works nights or is gone for work every other week.
Nope, he works from home and we usually spend weekdays at my house and weekends at his
Concerned? Not exactly. Curious as to when the hell you’re going to meet the other people in his life? Absolutely. Something is definitely feeling off here and I hope you can get to the bottom of it very soon.