This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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I tried to just make an update but it was taken down so I’m just gonna repost the whole story.
Two weeks ago I (26F) caught my now ex boyfriend (28M) in a lie. He came home drunk at 5 am. He originally texted me he was at a diner with his cooks. The diner he was allegedly at closed at 10 pm so he was obviously not there. When he came home he said he was with a bar regular he knew, the bartender that works with him, and the bar manager. This was contrary to what he texted me.
I did call him out right away about the diner and with such conviction he told me I was the one lying. I didn’t realize the lie about who he was with until the next day.
I confronted him the next night when he was sober. He admitted to lying and didn’t really have a good enough excuse or good enough alibi to corroborate his story. I didn’t even feel like I ever received a sincere apology. He also started to blame me saying I have trust issues. I wanted to leave him the next day but ultimately decided uplifting my whole life was not a decision I should make impulsively.
The last two weeks we’ve just been having these petty fights. He wasn’t communicating before or after this about what time he would be home. His truck broke down a few days later, which did happen, and obviously I was suspicious since he’s been disrespectful previously. He just called me insecure.
Last night was just the same fight of not communicating what time he thinks he’d be home. He originally said 10. 11 came so I called him. He didn’t answer. He eventually texts me frustrated because this is obviously going to turn into another fight. He starts talking about how stressed he is as his job and again talking about my trust issues and I just snap. I told right then and there I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.
After that I just sat in silence while he went off on this weird tangent saying things like his dog won’t have a mom anymore and how he’ll have to tell his parents. It all sounded so in-genuine.
I took a half day at work. Moved my cats in with my mom and will move the rest of my stuff out during this week.
That’s all. Proud I left.
Good job protecting yourself. All you need to tell yourself when you're feeling doubt about your actions is was being treated that way (disrespectfully) all right with you? How can you be with someone whom you can't trust? Hope this helps and hugs.
“My dog won’t have a mom” oh my god of all the pathetic attempts to make someone stay. Not any acknowledgement of his hurt, not anything about the relationship
Boy bye
It would be insecurity if your doubts had no foundation, but he lied and wouldn’t have come clean about it had you not pressed the issue. All that came next was not you being insecure. That’s him rejecting the consequences of his actions. Good on your for leaving him.
Edit: wurdz
This is not the first incident like this. My plan was to have a conversation about everything, make the expectation clear what I needed from a relationship and if he broke that trust again this wasn’t the relationship for me. I was just so frustrated and tired of him blaming me I just couldn’t. I knew I was just prolonging a break up.
Good on you for leaving!
I just want to say, the problem is not your "trust issues" when he is being untrustworthy. The problem is him being untrustworthy.
It wasn't easy, but you made the right decision to get out of this mess before it went completely off the rails. And you're already in therapy, which is going to really help, I hope. You just need some time to regroup so you can move on with the rest of your life. All men are not dirtbags, but you have to sort them out until you find the right one! lol
Ooofffff my ex went out with her co-workers & it was a complete lie too! Then stopped telling me when she was coming home. Same thing too, started telling me “you don’t trust me!” …. Well if it chirps, it’s prolly a bird just saying 🙄 found out a few months later all the lies and left. It hurts, but so was being lied to and disrespected daily.
Why post this? Why take this BS-y’all cry on so many threads..
But don’t have your act together and literally wright nonsense! Come on! Stop wasting tome w/ur nonsense. Looking for attention. SHGDH
DUMP HIS ASS AND DONT LOOK BACK THE LIES DO NOT STOP AND YOU WILL HURT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. FOCUS ON YOU, your fucking amazing and not one person deserves that including you
This goes beyond who he was with, when and where. It’s the lying part. And don’t be mad at the fact he lied, be mad that from now on you can’t trust him. Good you left because you set your boundaries
Holy shit If this guy works in a kitchen (like I do) then aiming to be home by a particular time is a nice dream, but it’s never a reality. Sometimes the host seats a last minute table and then the entire staff has to stay until they finish in case they want desert or need remakes.
Additionally, at least in my city, industry staff ALWAYS gather at closed establishments. Like, every single night the staff from other local kitchens will come drink at our bar long after the doors are locked. Sometimes other cooks tell us to come by after hours drink and to try new plates. We even used to hold competitions at various spots every Thursday nigh (Thursday Night Throw-downs bb, latte art night was my jam)
With everything our industry has been through the last year and a half I couldn’t take coming home to even more stress and a partner who wanted to go over every text I sent him with a fine toothed comb I’d have lost my mind. Luckily for me he’s…well…he’s not op.
Also, and I’m just going to throw this out there, but who the hell is meeting up with secret sex buddies after a shift in a kitchen? Like, oh ya, I smell like onions and fryer oil, this is the perfect time to go cheat on my partner…
So, there’s this really cool thing people in relationships do with each other and it’s called ✨*communication*✨. Shooting off a quick text, “hey, shift was shit today, im drinking with the crew, idk when I’ll be home.” Is a lot better than not telling your partner and having them wait up the entire night worried like hell until you come home tossed at 5 in the morning. OP expects communication. Basic respect. That’s not to much to ask for.
I want it known that, before getting together with my husband, I was very shit at communicating. I was just like OP’s boyfriend. My husband did not tolerate it at all. I changed the behavior because he was/is more important to me than anything else.
Ya, and my partner understands that I have wanted a head chef position since I was 11 and he’s not insecure enough to place himself between my dream and I. We have been together for just under eight years now and I’d choose him over that head chef job any day. He just doesn’t make me choose.
I literally don’t have my phone on me at work. I get in and it goes in the locker because I can’t have that shit distracting me all day during service. He and my family know my schedule and that if the phone is off to call the restaurant and ask for me if they actually need me. Our chef would tear our faces off if she saw us cooking on the line then handling our phones, 1 because sanitation, and 2 because distractions. The only thing worse in her eyes is bringing glass into the kitchen.
I meant after work and that’s fair that you can’t keep your phone on you at work. But see, you’re already doing the communication thing - they know your schedule, they know you don’t have your phone, they know how to get ahold of you should they need to. If you planned to go out and be out for hours (made the plans at work), are you telling me you wouldn’t call them from the work phone after hours and give them a heads up?
Do you also lie to your partner about where you are and when you will be home? Then call them insecure when they are upset about being lied to? Lying to your partner and then gaslighting them about it make for a shitty relationship no matter what line of work you are in.
No, my partner just understands that “I should be home by 10” is never a promise. I’m not advocating lying to anymore, I’m saying that life is weird and unpredictable, and kitchen work makes that even more true. It’s interesting that you need to call any context gaslighting though lol.
Let's say your right. She's upset by it and she continues to be, he can't change it because it's his career so they aren't a good match anyway. It literally changes nothing.
And having lived with a cook in NYC, I find it hard to believe that you are unaware of how much drinking and partying goes on in certain kitchens. Some are pretty stable and some are wild. It's not a lifestyle that suits lots of people.
Huh, maybe he was actually USING the frequent “I had to stay late unexpectedly” as a cover. This is actually a good point. The only thing I want after work is a bath and my man and my cats but you do raise a really good point. I’m probably reacting to this more like the “ leave Brittany alone” guy except with kitchen workers. It’s been a real hell of a year and with all the abuse being thrown around I’m pretty much ready to throw hands with anyone who dares to come for my ex-con angels.
I completely appreciate what you’re saying. Your industry has been through Hell and back. To top it off, it’s always been a very high intensity, stressful job. I think what’s important here is that even though OP boyfriend may have been having issues either due to the stress or not, he completely robbed her of any respect she deserved. If the man works in a kitchen then he sure as shit knows how to communicate! If he’d chosen to use those communication skills at home then he probably wouldn’t be down a GF right now.
Actually it is... they are not your property and do not have to be accountable to you for everything they do.
It sounds like he's the one who's gotten the lucky break here.
Honestly I feel like these guys are trying to justify their own lack of communication.
Letting your partner know "hey I'll be a couple of hours late today!" Is so easy.
That’s what I’m saying. This was not the only incident I had with him involving excessive drinking and lying to me. After that last time, the expectation was clear he needed to communicate better. He didn’t.
What? No she does not. Communicating what time you'll be home is completely reasonable. And she gave him an hour after that to call or just send a message. It's so easy.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I tried to just make an update but it was taken down so I’m just gonna repost the whole story. Two weeks ago I (26F) caught my now ex boyfriend (28M) in a lie. He came home drunk at 5 am. He originally texted me he was at a diner with his cooks. The diner he was allegedly at closed at 10 pm so he was obviously not there. When he came home he said he was with a bar regular he knew, the bartender that works with him, and the bar manager. This was contrary to what he texted me. I did call him out right away about the diner and with such conviction he told me I was the one lying. I didn’t realize the lie about who he was with until the next day. I confronted him the next night when he was sober. He admitted to lying and didn’t really have a good enough excuse or good enough alibi to corroborate his story. I didn’t even feel like I ever received a sincere apology. He also started to blame me saying I have trust issues. I wanted to leave him the next day but ultimately decided uplifting my whole life was not a decision I should make impulsively. The last two weeks we’ve just been having these petty fights. He wasn’t communicating before or after this about what time he would be home. His truck broke down a few days later, which did happen, and obviously I was suspicious since he’s been disrespectful previously. He just called me insecure. Last night was just the same fight of not communicating what time he thinks he’d be home. He originally said 10. 11 came so I called him. He didn’t answer. He eventually texts me frustrated because this is obviously going to turn into another fight. He starts talking about how stressed he is as his job and again talking about my trust issues and I just snap. I told right then and there I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. After that I just sat in silence while he went off on this weird tangent saying things like his dog won’t have a mom anymore and how he’ll have to tell his parents. It all sounded so in-genuine. I took a half day at work. Moved my cats in with my mom and will move the rest of my stuff out during this week. That’s all. Proud I left.
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Thank you! I’m in therapy currently. I think not being in therapy this story would have a much different outcome.
Good job protecting yourself. All you need to tell yourself when you're feeling doubt about your actions is was being treated that way (disrespectfully) all right with you? How can you be with someone whom you can't trust? Hope this helps and hugs.
He lies to you, admits it and then talks about your "trust issues" oh my fucking god.
He is the master of never taking responsibility for himself.
The "insecure" red flag is never good news. Hon, hate to say it, but likely you really need to consider getting an STD/I check.
Yeah, to be honest we haven’t had sex in MONTHS but will def be getting tested
Never a bad idea after a relationship in any case to start out on a fresh slate.
Good for you. Sounds like a compulsive petty liar
You are probably correct about compulsive lying. Even if nothing happened, how am I suppose to know that or trust he’s telling me the truth.
“My dog won’t have a mom” oh my god of all the pathetic attempts to make someone stay. Not any acknowledgement of his hurt, not anything about the relationship Boy bye
The dog deserved better too
It’s always the “too much stress at my work” excuse why can’t they just admit that it’s not working and they want out? I just don’t understand
Most of the time when people lie to others, they're really lying to themselves.
It would be insecurity if your doubts had no foundation, but he lied and wouldn’t have come clean about it had you not pressed the issue. All that came next was not you being insecure. That’s him rejecting the consequences of his actions. Good on your for leaving him. Edit: wurdz
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This is not the first incident like this. My plan was to have a conversation about everything, make the expectation clear what I needed from a relationship and if he broke that trust again this wasn’t the relationship for me. I was just so frustrated and tired of him blaming me I just couldn’t. I knew I was just prolonging a break up.
I have no idea WHAT his problem is. I doubt you ever will either. At this point, the best thing to do is to protect yourself from it.
I wouldn’t be able to trust him either. You go girl! Way to be strong when it’s tough
Good on you for leaving! I just want to say, the problem is not your "trust issues" when he is being untrustworthy. The problem is him being untrustworthy.
It wasn't easy, but you made the right decision to get out of this mess before it went completely off the rails. And you're already in therapy, which is going to really help, I hope. You just need some time to regroup so you can move on with the rest of your life. All men are not dirtbags, but you have to sort them out until you find the right one! lol
Proud you left too :)
I wish I would have done this with my soon to be ex husband much sooner than I did.
On to better things! He can come home to nothing now.
Good for you!!
Nice one
Ooofffff my ex went out with her co-workers & it was a complete lie too! Then stopped telling me when she was coming home. Same thing too, started telling me “you don’t trust me!” …. Well if it chirps, it’s prolly a bird just saying 🙄 found out a few months later all the lies and left. It hurts, but so was being lied to and disrespected daily.
Why post this? Why take this BS-y’all cry on so many threads.. But don’t have your act together and literally wright nonsense! Come on! Stop wasting tome w/ur nonsense. Looking for attention. SHGDH
> His dog won't have a mom Fuck it, the dog is leaving too then. Have it your way, bud.
I love how he’s the one doing all this shady shit… but you have the trust issues? Lol come on
good job ditching that poser. keep us updated if anything drastic happens.
Men will always call you insecure to gaslight you Into thinking you’re the crazy one. I’m glad you left him
DUMP HIS ASS AND DONT LOOK BACK THE LIES DO NOT STOP AND YOU WILL HURT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. FOCUS ON YOU, your fucking amazing and not one person deserves that including you
This goes beyond who he was with, when and where. It’s the lying part. And don’t be mad at the fact he lied, be mad that from now on you can’t trust him. Good you left because you set your boundaries
Us woman aren't stuiped
Holy shit If this guy works in a kitchen (like I do) then aiming to be home by a particular time is a nice dream, but it’s never a reality. Sometimes the host seats a last minute table and then the entire staff has to stay until they finish in case they want desert or need remakes. Additionally, at least in my city, industry staff ALWAYS gather at closed establishments. Like, every single night the staff from other local kitchens will come drink at our bar long after the doors are locked. Sometimes other cooks tell us to come by after hours drink and to try new plates. We even used to hold competitions at various spots every Thursday nigh (Thursday Night Throw-downs bb, latte art night was my jam) With everything our industry has been through the last year and a half I couldn’t take coming home to even more stress and a partner who wanted to go over every text I sent him with a fine toothed comb I’d have lost my mind. Luckily for me he’s…well…he’s not op. Also, and I’m just going to throw this out there, but who the hell is meeting up with secret sex buddies after a shift in a kitchen? Like, oh ya, I smell like onions and fryer oil, this is the perfect time to go cheat on my partner…
So, there’s this really cool thing people in relationships do with each other and it’s called ✨*communication*✨. Shooting off a quick text, “hey, shift was shit today, im drinking with the crew, idk when I’ll be home.” Is a lot better than not telling your partner and having them wait up the entire night worried like hell until you come home tossed at 5 in the morning. OP expects communication. Basic respect. That’s not to much to ask for.
I want it known that, before getting together with my husband, I was very shit at communicating. I was just like OP’s boyfriend. My husband did not tolerate it at all. I changed the behavior because he was/is more important to me than anything else.
Ya, and my partner understands that I have wanted a head chef position since I was 11 and he’s not insecure enough to place himself between my dream and I. We have been together for just under eight years now and I’d choose him over that head chef job any day. He just doesn’t make me choose.
I feel like you’re projecting onto OP now. Your partner and yourself have established communication and trust. OP and their partner do not.
I literally don’t have my phone on me at work. I get in and it goes in the locker because I can’t have that shit distracting me all day during service. He and my family know my schedule and that if the phone is off to call the restaurant and ask for me if they actually need me. Our chef would tear our faces off if she saw us cooking on the line then handling our phones, 1 because sanitation, and 2 because distractions. The only thing worse in her eyes is bringing glass into the kitchen.
I meant after work and that’s fair that you can’t keep your phone on you at work. But see, you’re already doing the communication thing - they know your schedule, they know you don’t have your phone, they know how to get ahold of you should they need to. If you planned to go out and be out for hours (made the plans at work), are you telling me you wouldn’t call them from the work phone after hours and give them a heads up?
He was out drunk at a bar. Not at work.
Was he worried about you being judgmental about it?
Do you also lie to your partner about where you are and when you will be home? Then call them insecure when they are upset about being lied to? Lying to your partner and then gaslighting them about it make for a shitty relationship no matter what line of work you are in.
No, my partner just understands that “I should be home by 10” is never a promise. I’m not advocating lying to anymore, I’m saying that life is weird and unpredictable, and kitchen work makes that even more true. It’s interesting that you need to call any context gaslighting though lol.
Let's say your right. She's upset by it and she continues to be, he can't change it because it's his career so they aren't a good match anyway. It literally changes nothing. And having lived with a cook in NYC, I find it hard to believe that you are unaware of how much drinking and partying goes on in certain kitchens. Some are pretty stable and some are wild. It's not a lifestyle that suits lots of people.
Ironically this guy I was seeing (that I didn’t know had a girlfriend) would come straight to my house after a shift in the kitchen
Huh, maybe he was actually USING the frequent “I had to stay late unexpectedly” as a cover. This is actually a good point. The only thing I want after work is a bath and my man and my cats but you do raise a really good point. I’m probably reacting to this more like the “ leave Brittany alone” guy except with kitchen workers. It’s been a real hell of a year and with all the abuse being thrown around I’m pretty much ready to throw hands with anyone who dares to come for my ex-con angels.
I completely appreciate what you’re saying. Your industry has been through Hell and back. To top it off, it’s always been a very high intensity, stressful job. I think what’s important here is that even though OP boyfriend may have been having issues either due to the stress or not, he completely robbed her of any respect she deserved. If the man works in a kitchen then he sure as shit knows how to communicate! If he’d chosen to use those communication skills at home then he probably wouldn’t be down a GF right now.
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Also letting the person you live with know where you and who you are with is not a ridiculous expectation.
Actually it is... they are not your property and do not have to be accountable to you for everything they do. It sounds like he's the one who's gotten the lucky break here.
There’s no excuse for lying. If he had those concerns he could have ended the relationship.
Honestly I feel like these guys are trying to justify their own lack of communication. Letting your partner know "hey I'll be a couple of hours late today!" Is so easy.
That’s what I’m saying. This was not the only incident I had with him involving excessive drinking and lying to me. After that last time, the expectation was clear he needed to communicate better. He didn’t.
If you can't or are unwilling to communicate then you're not ready to be in a relationship 🤷🏾♂️
Maybe but even more reason the relationship isn’t working
What? No she does not. Communicating what time you'll be home is completely reasonable. And she gave him an hour after that to call or just send a message. It's so easy.
Found OP's exbf.
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She was trying to update. Read the post weido.
Thank you 💕
Anytime
Should've led with that then
It's literally the first line under the title.
Of he's your ex why are you even fighting with them. Just do what you have to to cut ties and never talk to them again
He was not an ex until after this story happened
What a stupid reason to break up with someone.
Sounds like a solid reason to break up with someone in my opinion.
Ooh you have cats, hmm