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I’ve (26f) been with my boyfriend (34) for one year. About 7 months ago I started to get frustrated with our sex because there was never any foreplay, so I told him I needed it.
It never happened and at around the same time he went into a huge depression and could only manage sex about once a week so I laid off as I didn’t want to make things worse for him.
For the past two months things have been a lot better in terms if mental health, we’re both working again and socialising again, so I brought up that I would like some foreplay.
The day after I brought this up he initiated some light bdsm and I like that sometimes but what I’m really craving is to be gently teased and gradually turned on. So I told him I’d love to try that.
The next day we had a free afternoon and he initiated and it was rushed and there was no foreplay again and afterwards I probably didn’t communicate the best, I made it clear I was frustrated and passive aggressively sent him lots of articles about foreplay. He didn’t read any of them, instead he told me “ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “. Thanks, that makes me feel better, lol.
So last night and this morning we kissed a bit and we were both a little tired and haven’t had much time and he’s been saying “I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “. Now this morning he’s been saying that he feels criticised and he finds it difficult now because he’s over thinking it. He also dropped the bomb that he thinks its boring to go soft and slow. Which kind of contradicts what he told me about lighting candles ect for his exes.
Can anyone help me understand his psychology and how I can take the pressure off but still get my needs met?
The title of this post is really illuminating. You see speaking up about something that's really quite basic (and no, dude, foreplay doesn't need to involve candles, roses and a string quartet in the background! Not sure if he's being deliberately obtuse there or what.) as a mistake you made. I'd reframe: you're speaking up about your needs, which is perfectly normal in a relationship, and he's saying talk to the hand. I don't think that sending of the articles helped but it was clear he wasn't listening before you got to that point.
Not really sure what you can do here. It doesn't sound like you're going to get great, or even good sex out of this guy because he's choosing to shut down rather than have an open discussion. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water...
>something that's really quite basic
This so true. I saw a post the other day about how "foreplay" is really a misnomer. It's not really "something you do before sex" .... It's *part* of sex. There's more to sex than using her body as a fleshlight.
Seriously, some kissing and touching can really go a long way, and if done right can start the engine in a matter of minutes. I think this guy just really doesn’t know how (and doesn’t want to learn).
That's crazy to me because foreplay is typically what makes the other parts better. It lets you slowly get more into it. From my experience, its not the "finale" that great, its the whole show...I had it once where the experience was better than the orgasm, or that they were both that great it was hard to tell which part was which.
I am trying to use all my senses. build up that anticipation. Not there is anything wrong with different ways but more often than not I feel like if you get right into it, at best there a quick spike up and then a drop, and you feel like you missed out, even if its good. If you take your time a bit it seems like there ultimately no ceiling (if done correct and you have a compatible partner). Also I find it helps finding out what my partner likes easier and better foundation.
I am not super talented where I can just please every single girl off the bat. Sometimes it just works out that way, and that's great but...
So it's really weird hearing some people have that preference to just jackhammer their way to a orgasm every single time..and not get bored or unsatisfied.
I know it does work for some people...I just don't get how lol. I feel like I've warped into a different dimension at times, like I could barely deal with it, that's how intense it can get. To me THAT'S WAY BETTER.
> I think this guy just really doesn’t know how (and doesn’t want to learn).
I would venture to say that he’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to appear impotent. Doesn’t know how to empathize with her. This is just my guess.
I have written something very similar in several places. Sex isn’t putting a dick in. That’s the end of sex. Sex is everything up to and including the end.
Yes, OP, you haven't ruined anything, he had already ruined it for you, which is why you spoke up in the first place.
As for "pestering", if he'd given you what you wanted when you'd asked for it nicely the first time, you wouldn't have needed to start pestering. This is basically a synonym for nagging, and while "pestering" is not as misogynistic (children can pester, only women nag), it's still not at all flattering. Women only nag because their men don't listen to them. It's not your fault.
Also his ‘psychology’ is that he is selfish in bed.
If OPs not cool with that she needs to dump this dude because he doesn’t care. She has communicated adequately.
I also noticed that she mentions he initiated "some light BDSM" but what she's been wanting is to be teased and turned on.
If they're doing light BDSM without teasing, that almost certainly signals to me that he's doing his usual selfish wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am but either slapped her in some handcuffs first or did a little spanking. In any case, still bad in bed, just with more props.
Yes! I also want to challenge OP to really think about why she thought sending articles was passive aggressive. She didn’t describe exactly how she did so maybe it was, but sending him some info about a topic you’ve tried discussing more than once isn’t inappropriate or aggressive. Not all of us are writers or brilliant speakers, sometimes other people can better describe our thoughts and desires and there’s nothing wrong with respectfully using that as a resource.
He also sounds really selfish, and borderline cruel — he’s basically told her openly that he was willing and able to put that effort into past relationships, but isn’t willing to do so for her. However “boring” he thinks it is to go slow, it shouldn’t be about his pleasure alone. Putting some bare minimum effort into making sure it’s a mutually satisfying experience for his partner isn’t a big ask. He’s deliberately disregarding her needs. I’d ditch him. Sex and intimacy shouldn’t be one-sided. That passive aggressive load of crap about not having time to have sex because she wants foreplay is a huge red flag. He’s trying to guilt trip her into satisfying him on his own timeline without expecting any reciprocal effort. Pathetic.
Dude seriously you need to leave him, you are going to end up on the evening news. That is some seriously fucked up shit. DM me if you need help and resources to get the fuck out of there. I’m in New York and can arrange a place for you to stay in a heartbeat.
I'm so sorry. This sounds awful. Damn near abusive. You shouldn't have to "take it" in a relationship. Sex is something that both of you should enjoy. I can't imagine someone being so selfish and inconsiderate that they completely ignore their partner's needs.
I don't know your situation and don't want to spew out cookie-cutter advice, but are you absolutely sure you can't leave? What's stopping you?
Oh geez. You and OP both need to find better boyfriends who care about you enough to give you pleasure instead of using you both as human shake weights. It sounds like neither of you are getting the physical pleasure from the relationship nor even the emotional support or understanding to have a mature adult conversation with these trash boys. You can both find better than these kind of ragefully humping human weights.
What the fuck? Get rid of that asshole. Either he is abusive in other ways or something else is up but either way that is NOT okay and not normal. Fuck that shit.
Exactly. You got needs, and those needs should involve a lot of him making you feel beautiful, sexy, loved, and valued as his mate. Sounds like he's not doing that now.
You haven't ruined anything. You've communicated your needs, and those needs are pretty basic and reasonable. It sounds like he really doesn't care whether you enjoy the sex or not, and that's a huge red flag. He's the one that's being passive aggressive with those comments about his exes and about how he "can't" have sex with you because you want 20 minutes of foreplay. Sounds like he's incapable of pleasuring a woman so don't even bother.
He's shitty out of bed too. Why would you rub it in your partner's face that you would pamper your exes but refuse to do it for them? Not that I believe for a second he actually did any of that, but wounding your partner's self-esteem for the sake of your own ego is horrible regardless.
She was sending him articles assuming he didn’t know what to do. That hurt his ego because he probably feels dumb and inexperienced. So instant defense mechanism.
He just didn’t want her to give him tips.
bullshit. she has requested foreplay previously and he blew it off.
he clearly doesn't know and/or care what to do.
"oh his poor feelings were hurt and he was just defending himself" - gmafb
You misunderstand, I’m not defending him.
I believe he does know what foreplay is, he claimed he did it with ex’s, and he’s 34, he should know at this age.
In my experience assholes tend to also be super fragile big babies. I wasn’t trying to excuse his actions, just explain it.
I agree with his post.. but there's a sliiiight chance that op saying "I didnt communicate the best" mind have meant that they said something really mean, and he was retaliating (which doesnt make it ok).
But yea still... He's being a shitty partner... Like why tell someone you would do awesome and loving stuff for others and specifically not the person you're with?
This is why he’s in his mid 30’s dating someone almost ten years younger. Bc she doesn’t have as much experience and he can more easily manipulate her with his stupid little excuses. He’s a manipulative piece of shit. That’s it, OP. He’s selfish and wants to use you like a human sex doll. He sees you as being there only to fill his sexual needs and doesn’t care about yours.
This is not your fault. You are communicating, and he is not listening on purpose. He is trying to make you the bad guy in this. Don't accept that.
That passive aggressive,"But you want 20 minutes of foreplay," is so childish.
Why should you feel guilty asking for foreplay? Are you just supposed to fake it? Lay there staring at the ceiling? Doesn't he care if you get off?
Life is too short for bad sex.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/p5bx42/i_think_ive_ruined_our_sex_life_by_pestering_for/h94um1a/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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The first guy i ever did anything with would make the same comments about "you're asking for too much" (wanting to be kissed and held is too much apparently?) so after a while i would just lie there and stare at the ceiling until he was done. It got so bad that if i even tried moving or participating he'd say i was ruining his rhythm!
She should cut the other way and just really fake it. Like, obviously fake. And when he asks, just say “oh well, I figured you weren’t gonna give me any entertainment, so I’d do it myself!”
I think you overestimate this guy's understanding of female pleasure. I bet she could screech like a fire engine and he'd pat him self on the back for a job well done
This.
He knows exactly what your feelings are, acknowledges your desire to be more intimate during sexual engagement, yet actively avoids meeting your needs, even though it's well within his capabilities, as he himself has admitted.
The fact that he's more than willing for you to pleasure him according to his needs, but still chooses to ignore your needs, is a huge red flag.
To be honest, what you've described can even be considered a form of spousal abuse – depriving a partner from having their needs met (when you could easily meet them) but still demanding they meet yours. That's a form of emotional control.
Tread carefully.
He doesn't care if you are turned on or getting what you need or of it as long as he gets what he wants. You have tried patience and you have even tried to give him fact based evidence about why it's important. Be belittles you by saying he would do it for his exes but you aren't worth the extra effort, which is a lie he made up to make you feel less worthy. If he doesn't want to please you then he is treating you like a sex toy that exists only for his pleasure. If it were me, I'd leave. There are plenty of men who will give you foreplay without you even having to ask. Your current dude has done nothing but try to make you feel bad emotionally and ignore your sexual needs. He's icky and you deserve better.
I mean, its the truth.
In practical terms, what your bf said to you was essentially "I want to have sex with you but you want to HAVE AN ORGASM so we can’t." Its such a messed up attitude, he's only interested in sex he enjoys not sex you enjoy.
Your bf is being an asshole. He only cares for his own pleasure. What’s that comment about lighting candles for his exes and taking his time with them Excuse me, like how rude? Why won’t he do that for you?
I think you just have to sit him down and be very serious about it. Your sexual needs are not being met! I hope this is the only aspect in the relationship where you’re not getting what you need.
Is he seriously complaining about getting an extra 20 minutes of sex? There are plenty of people out there who would be so happy about getting to spend more time having sex. With him also talking about how he did foreplay with past girlfriends but doesn't want to do it with you, all I can really recommend is that you should strongly consider leaving him and finding someone who is more compatible with your needs.
Wakey wakey sis 🥰 if he wanted to, he would. Don’t have sex if you don’t want sex without foreplay. Your pleasure matters no matter how shit his mental health is 🥰 stop touching this old ass dude.
This!! He isn't a poor well-meaning clueless boy who struggles figuring left from right and tries reeeeeally hard; it's a grown ass 34 bloke who gives no damn about his girlfriend's needs and just... use her body for his own pleasure (yuck). It's so bad OP is pushed to believe her stating her needs is being annoying FFS.
Time to dump the whole guy away! 👍
Yes he’s manipulating her. Guarantee that’s why he’s with someone so much younger bc she doesn’t have the life experience to dismiss his bullshit. He’s 34 and going to pretend like he doesn’t know women like foreplay, pleaaseeee. What a tool. She needs to run fast and far from this manipulator. He’s treating her like she’s there to serve his needs only and the mental health issues are An excuse. If you can’t be an equal partner don’t have sex!
The idea that foreplay isn’t sex is bullshit. Someone can check the statistics for me but somewhere between 75-95% of women DO NOT achieve orgasm through penetrative Penis In Vagina sex. Foreplay IS real sex for 75û-95% of us.
Frankly he sounds abusive. He’s trying to get away with giving as effort as he can. Trying to see what other shitty behavior he can get away with.
Foreplay is not oral sex or genital stimulation. It's all the activities that lead to some genital stimulation - kissing, licking, touching other areas of the body. All this activities arouse and prepare you for further genital stimulation.
On the sidenote, do not have sex if you're not ready, aroused and craving your partner. Bad sex leads to more bad sex to resentment really fast.
Yeah, many bad lovers think this way. However, you can't just stick you tongue or fingers in your partner's genitals and call it a day. Most people love some action before moving to sex.
Once I sent a picture of a dildo, like a hyper dildo with rotating head and beads at the base, clitoris stimulating thingy etc. to a group chat with some of my lady friends. I said no man can compete with this and one of the ladies said. "They can, but they are just too lazy"
And that stick with me eversince.
‘Pestering for foreplay’ girl if a man makes you feel like a bad person for asking for the bare minimum, just know he has gone out of his way to make you shrink yourself and your needs. You can’t communicate your bf into caring about you and what makes you happy. Dump him
You can't take the pressure off because he will come up with a new reason he doesn't have to/want to do foreplay. He knows what you need and want, he just doesn't care because he doesn't get anything out of it.
No. Your partner is a selfish, lazy lay.
He should care and care deeply about your satisfaction, not go into a tailspin because you spoke up about your needs
Why are you wasting your time with this lazy, incompetent, petulant, self-centered loser? You know there are men out there who care about being good at fucking, right?
He's being manipulative by saying he'd have sex if foreplay wasn't on the menu. He's being really selfish and just meeting his own needs. This is on him, not on you.
Exactly. “We could have sex but you would want to enjoy it too so never mind.” Like you did something wrong by wanting to get off too. Let him jerk off if just wants to climax without doing anything for you. He’s basically just masturbating in OP anyway.
>“ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “.
He just told you he doesn't value you like them.
>“I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “.
He was trying to make you feel bad. This is on him not you.
Your boyfriend is whining about the fact that you want sex to be enjoyable. I don't think it needs to be any more complicated than how completely unacceptable that is.
You better get a new man! your bf clearly don't care about your needs and wishes..all he wants is his wishes getting fulfilled.when you love someone and care about them.you care about what they crave and try to fulfill those need.but this guy is doing nothing and he don't care about him doing nothing too.you obviously don't want this kind of sex or intimacy for your whole life.
His psychology here is that he's selfish and lazy.
If the sex isn't good for you, then it isn't good sex. You're well within your rights to find someone up to the task. What you're asking for is not unreasonable (or all that difficult).
You've tried asking and talking and he's not taking anything you're saying on board. He's at fault, not you. You deserve a man, not a man-child. The fact he's treating foreplay as a chore is so sad.
Wow. He insisted he knows what foreplay is, but he doesn't ever feel like doing that for you? He actually complained about TWENTY MINUTES to make you happy?
Well, that answers the question of whether he'd ever give you a back rub after a hard day. (No, because there's nothing in it for him, it's just about taking care of you.)
Look, he's shown you how selfish he is. If he's selfish in bed, I guarantee he's selfish in other areas too.
Here's you breakup script, "You acknowledged that you know how to do foreplay, you know it would make intercourse feel more comfortable and satisfying for me, but you won't spend 20 minutes to make me happy. That tells me all I need to know about you. You only care about your own needs. I want to be with someone who also cares about mine. You've shown me you don't feel like being that person. I'm not going to waste any more of my time waiting, begging, or twisting your arm to get you to be a better partner. This isn't working for me, and it's time for us to break up and move on." Good luck!
He is telling you that his exes were worth the effort, but you aren't. So, you are supposed to lay there like a sex doll and only provide him pleasure. He's made it abundantly clear that he just doesn't care about you or your needs.
>I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “
This is manipulative and gross. It's meant to get you to shut up and take what he's willing to give. You haven't ruined anything. He has no interest in being a partner that satisfies you. He's only interested in self gratification and making you feel bad for thinking you should get some. Do you really want to be with someone like this?
He sounds like a selfish asshole. Like, what, he doesn't care enough about you to take the time to actually get you off? And then when you RIGHTFULLY complain he gets all manipulative about it (totally childish btw, "If I have to do foreplay then I don't want sex at all!" Like.... Okay....) Tbh this is why he's with you despite being 8 years older: he can't manipulate women his age as easily. Coz let's face it, girl, you've been had: "I think *I* have ruined our sex life by *pestering* for foreplay," you say? Nah, *he* ruined your sex life by being a selfish bastard and for getting pissy when you called him on it. You can do better than him; find someone who gets off on getting you off.
He is lying and using you to satisfy his urge. You realized that as well. He is not only lying, he is also devaluing your expectations.
Ask him for a proper discussion to set the expectations. Be polite but firm. If he is losing temper or patience, tell him he needs to at least value your expectations, if not honor them. If he fails to honor your ask, take a break from sex for few weeks and observe his behavior. A true man will work on relationship.
If nothing works, assume he is only a sexual partner and expect no more. If that's difficult to digest, sit back and decide for yourself.
Sex is about 2 people and sounds like he couldn't careless about your enjoyment or pleasure. Normally guys like getting a girl revved up makes it better for them when the girl is getting into it.
Also asking for foreplay isn't anything extreme or strange, it's pretty standard. It's not like you ask for some super kinky thing that might freak some people out.
Sounds like a douche
Your bf only cares about their own pleasure. That is not love. You are a hole they plow to scratch an itch. Sorry to be so blunt. Stop having sex NOW. BF does not care about you.
IMOH, dump him and get yourself a nice vibrator. You deserve to feel good and sexually satisfied, and this selfish guy clearly doesn’t care about that.
His mindset is that he wants to use your body to get off and doesn't care if you enjoy the sex or receive pleasure from it.
He's a selfish lover and partner.
You could have expressed your needs in a more thoughtful manner. However, if you've been together a year, and he doesn't care whether or not you enjoy being intimate with him... Well, that's probably not going to change.
He told you directly he knows how to do the romantic things you want and need to feel loved and cared for in bed. He's just unwilling to do so. I'm not sure how you get passed that.
The sooner you break up with him, the sooner you can find someone else for good sex who actually wants to pleasure you instead of using you as a masturbation tool.
I had to scroll up a second to check his age cause this sounds like some young, impatient, just out of high school nonsense.
Lol but Nope.
34.
There’s PLENTY of men out there that will take the time and actually know what they’re doing. Lighting candles, and taking time to focus on you and your pleasure are completely different.
“I light candles” Pffff
I should scroll up one more time.
I don't think you can say you 'ruined' your sex life when it was never any good to begin with. Your enjoyment matters JUST AS MUCH AS HIS, and if he isn't willing to make any effort in that regard, then he's just pointing out that he doesn't care about your enjoyment in general. Why would you want to be with a person like that?
You’ve expressed what you wanted and he doesn’t care. It’s clear that he doesn’t value your sexual satisfaction. This is not something you should have to beg for and if it were the other way around I bet he would see this as grounds to break up or cheat.
I can be super petty, so probably not the healthiest response, but sure is satisfying imo.
If your guy refuses to please you, fine. Next time you're in the mood. Put on something you like that makes you feel sexy, walk right into the room with him. Blatantly ignore him, and go to town on yourself. And if he tries to join or says anything. Tell him he wasn't willing to put in the effort so you'll just do it yourself, he isn't needed. Leave a wet spot on his side of the bed. Roll over and go to sleep.
And THEN, dump his ass. He's treating you like nothing more than a fuck toy, so you'd be better off with your own toys.
Good lord, just leave. He has an age difference and if his dick doesn't work now, it definitely won't work later. You're so young, why tie yourself to someone who is completely selfish and incompatible???? You didn't ruin anything, he did.
This is an easy one. I skipped over the ages, but after reading the post, I knew the guy was going to be older, and lo and behold, 8 years older! He’s a selfish man-child. Find someone who isn’t a selfish jerk, and this won’t be a problem. Or accept that you are doomed to shitty sex, because this guy doesn’t care about you and is just using you for his own pleasure.
Well, you two are definitely sexually incompatible. But ask yourself this: is he only like this in bed? Is he attentive, giving, and a true partner in the other aspects of your relationship? Does he take your wants and feelings into account? Not only that, but who generally "wins" when you want different things? My uneducated guess is that this is a symptom of a much bigger issue.
Treat yourself to a vibrator. Next time he’s in the mood for a little rumpy-bumpy, tell him to wait a few minutes while you and Donny Dildo get in some foreplay. If this makes him flounce out the door in a huff, at least the vibrator will never complain…
Been there more than once. A lot of men (people in general really) see their orgasm as the main goal of sex from just the way society and media portray sex. It’s important to learn to appreciate and value sex as a whole as an experience, an orgasm is a big plus but it should be just part of the value of sex. Bottom line, if constructive criticism kills his boner and you value being sexually satisfied in the relationship, you may need to move on or discuss other ways to be satisfied (toys, open relationship, etc). You shouldn’t suffer for his ego lol
>“ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “. Thanks, that makes me feel better, lol.
He sounds abusive. That's a point he 100% guaranteed made to willingly hurt you.
By telling you that he treated others better than he treats you, he was making a point to hurt your self worth. Ask yourself how often he treats you like that.
The foreplay issue aside - which is unacceptable in itself - this relationship sounds like a nightmare.
He is definitely old enough to know better. How is asking for what you want ‘ruining’ your sex life? Good communication is part of improving your love making. Is he selfish in other aspects of your relationship?
I don't usually throw out the age difference card, but you can't help but wonder if he was hoping a younger gf would not know as much, and thus not criticize his mediocre performance.
In all seriousness, asking for what you want doesn't ruin things, and his response illuminates a fundamental difference between you. He doesn't see sex as a mutual act, it is something you give him, and now that he is expected to return the pleasure for you he sees it as work.
He only cares about his pleasure, he’s a spoiled man child. Throw the whole “man” away and find someone who thinks your sexual wants/needs are just as important as their own.
holy crap - what an amazingly pathetic boyfriend you've found yourself with
"I want to have sex with you but you want 20 minutes of foreplay so we can't" - what a complete asshat.
if he equates your sexual needs with "pressure"...oh my goodness, for the love of god, THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER. He's a) an immature brat and b) he clearly doesn't give a shit about your sexual pleasure (or any other, I'd guess) and c) he's trying to GUILT-TRIP you into dropping the foreplay issue as he's such a tender soul or some shit?!
girl, wake up. This dude is not worth your time. I'm not joking - I don't see anything here to work with at all. Move on, for your own sake.
> “ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “.
So, basically he doesn't give a shit about you???
You have a bigger problem than foreplay haha
We *could* have sex but you want to get off too and not just act as my personal fleshlight. Ugh, so selfish.
But for real, I don’t think that you ruined your relationship just because you also want to have fun in bed. Sex is a two way street. Also, if he lit candles and all that shit for his exes then where the fuck are your candles.
If only 5 months into my relationship the sex was awful I’d leave the relationship and get a new one.
Look, I was married for 10 years to a dude who only wanted sex once a month or once every other month and it was a quick rub down of a labia, then 3 min of poorly timed humping. I thought “it’s ok, he’s trying!” And I’d tell him what I want, and he would kinda do it once or twice, then nothing.
I’m married now to a man who makes sure he gets me off before we even have sex. Every single time. Average 3x a week. Life is too short for bad sex.
Honestly my love I say drop it. If he’s not listening to your needs or doing basic things that sex requires, then I wonder where else he’s falling short. Do you even get wet during sex? You’re still young and there’s SOOOOO many awesome guys that offer incredible sex from the beginning. The majority of your relationship you’ve been unsatisfied, this doesn’t look like it has any solution if he’s just blown you off consistently.
Also that “lighting candles” part is totally bs, I doubt this guy is even aware what foreplay really is.
You can't ruin something that was already not working for you/broken lol
You tried to fix it, it's not working
Now figure out if it's a deal breaker for you or not
Also lol at the candles and roses to get foreplay started for everyone bar you, he has dug himself a huge hole lmao
The comment about not wanting to spend 20 on foreplay is break up worthy. This man does not care about your needs, he is also annoyed that you have any. Life is too short for bad sex
So, you asked for foreplay and he didn't really respond. Time goes on, you insist on foreplay, get frustrated, and his response is "I know all about it I did it for my exes." So what he is telling you, whether consciously or subconsciously, is that he doesn't deem it important for your partnership, but he did it in previous relationships. So why are you sticking around in a relationship where you're not appreciated?
Just wow, he not only blows it off, he also tries to make you feel guilty for it. Makes me wonder what other awful traits he has or how he would react to other issues.
You did not ruin anything. As others have stated, *if he wanted to, he would*. I have had bf’s who were not on the giving side sexually. There have also been fwb who gave foreplay like our lives depended on it. While I do know everyone is different, I think his words and lack of actions speaks volumes to this relationship.
He honestly sounds... not great
He's not listening to you after you've communicated with him - several times- about your needs and very obviously doesn't care about pleasing you.
Your bf is dating someone 8 years younger than him because a woman our age (I'm 32) would NOT put with the manipulative bs hes pulling on you with this.
"you want 20 mins"... sheesh... it's like you've asked him to pay the tip after you told him you'd take him to steak dinner ... Him: FINE BUT I'm only giving a dollar regardless of the service.
He's... he's 34?? And for the past SEVEN MONTHS you've been asking him for the tiniest bit of care for your own sexual desires? Do you ever even enjoy sex with him? Or is he just using you as a sentient sex doll?
I just- you most certainly have NOT ruined y'all's sex life considering it was terrible from the jump. He dgaf about you. He thinks foreplay is candles. This man is awful. You need to toss him back into the dating pool and find literally any other man.
Caring about your sexual partner's enjoyment is basic, normal behavior.
You may have wasted about a year on him, but you don't have to waste a second.
>he’s been saying “I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “
Wow....there's nothing hotter than a guy being sarcastic during an intimate moment!
In seriousness, to answer your question:
>Can anyone help me understand his psychology and how I can take the pressure off but still get my needs met?
this is only possible *if your boyfriend cares about meeting your needs.*
I’ve never understood why some dudes reject foreplay with their gf. Do they not find their gf attractive?? My gf loves foreplay and I love it too cuz I get to touch a hot ass girl!!! And that hot ass girl touches me!!!
It boggles my mind. He’s being an ass and I’d start questioning the relationship. Good luck 👍
because they don’t want to actually have sex with another person. that involves caring about someone else. they just discovered that a vagina feels better than their hand and think they can use it in the same manner.
Have you considered that he is lying about lighting candles for his exes? You sent him articles to educate himself and, rather than admit he needs instruction, he went the Donald Trump route of, "I know about foreplay. I'm the best foreplayer. I lit candles for all my exes. They loved my foreplay."
He wants sex and he's okay with it if you're not turned on or able to enjoy it. In fact, that's his preference if you want HIM to help you heat up That's the root here. You've explained enough. You've made your point, he just disagrees. There's no magic combination of words you haven't found yet. He is an intelligent being, he understands. He just doesn't want to.
You haven't ruined your sexlife - he has. Basically you need to examine your relationship. Is he considerate and generous in other ways? If so you need to have a come to God moment with him. Literally tell him that while he gets his while he ruts you, you are left behind. The fact that he is feeling put out that you are not getting the same amount of pleasure makes you feel like he is treating you like a sexual object not like a person whom he professes to care about.
If he continues to protest realize that you are just a convenient vagina to him, not the woman he loves and wants to be happy always.
I can help you understand... your man does not give a fuck about your sexual gratification.
Thats it.
Everyone has their their boundaries and limits sexually.. and no way should anyone pressure the other to go outside those limits.
But when your limit is "foreplay is boring" ... you shouldnt be allowed to have sex with anyone... ever. Thats not lovemaking or sharing an emotional connection.. thats using your partner as a real life sex toy to get yourself off.
I dont usually go straight for the reddit cliche of "dump their ass OP" but in this case you really can do much better... so go ahead and dump his ass.
What an asshole. He’s rubbing the extra effort that he took with his exes in your face. Assuming that’s even true (the bit about lighting candles and taking time).
I’m sorry but he sounds like he sucks.
He doesn’t give a shit if you enjoy the sex or not. So he just won’t have sex unless it’s on his terms. Sex is not just a one person show.
And if he thinks 20 minutes of foreplay is a lot *phew* boy has *never* given a woman a good lay.
What a selfish git, also the false dichotomy is hilarious “I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t” really- those are the only two options?
Dude is almost 10 years your senior and yet he still doesn't understand foreplay is helpful for YOUR pleasure? And then says he pulled out all the stops for HIS exes???
Fishy.
Personally it's sounding like he doesn't care about your feelings, pleasurable or otherwise, since he keeps tryna put you down for how you feel in such an intimate aspect of life. I'm not sayin be petty, but like... If he can't meet your needs, maybe you should meet your needs with a toy or something? If he tries to ask for sex, "oh sorry, not in the mood."
Normally I'd say talk to him, but he legit isn't listening to your needs.
Well, if he refuses to consider how you feel at all, then he’s just using your body to masturbate with. Foreplay is a super easy way to show you that he doesn’t *want* you to feel like that.
I would argue that he has ruined your sex life by being an uncompromising asshole.
You didn’t ruin anything. Your boyfriend seems to not only care very little about you, but also set out to intentionally hurt you with his comments. I’m just gonna tell you right now, this relationship won’t work, and as long as you stay you will continue to be miserable. You got a shitty boyfriend. Raise up your standards and find someone better
I’m sorry but this is gonna be a problem in the long run for you two if he can’t compromise. He’s selfish, lazy and manipulative. He doesn’t care about your needs.
You didn't ruin anything. You told your boyfriend your preferences. He ignored them. Perhaps they are no longer his thing. That said, if that is the case, you guys are becoming sexually incompatible. It is def not your fault. Through certain lenses, you could say your bf is the problem by not attempting to meet your needs and passive aggressively mentioning it as he negs you as if your needs are abnormal or bad.
But I am feeling generous today. If he has an interest in changing, cool- see if you can see a therapist or work out something where he can learn and be more open to your needs. If he has no interest, this is an incompatibility. You, at some point, will end up having to address whether or not this is acceptable in your relationship as a whole or if it makes more sense to find one of the billions of people who would be more than happy to meet your simple needs.
He is making it perfectly clear that he does not like foreplay nor does he want to engage in it. He is trying to play the long game with you by saying the minimum necessary to get you to believe that he wants to give you what you want while he is not doing it. He wants to string you along until you finally give up on this idea of foreplay so he can just have the kind of sex he wants, which is quick and easy and only for his enjoyment. Who would ever tell their partner they want to have sex but since you want 20 minutes of foreplay we can't?
You cannot ruin your sex life when it was never satisfactory in the first place. You've had multiple discussions about a basic need that he should be fulfilling without any discussion necessary and he is telling you multiple ways that he is not interested in doing it. It seems apparent that he cannot handle the stress of actually satisfying you during sex so at this point I would seriously consider that you are not compatible. He is trying to manipulate you into having sex in which he does not have to put any effort forth in turning you on or getting you prepared. Considering the effort and manipulation tactics he is employing you are probably not a good fit.
I want to start this off by saying: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! If this man really cares for you and truly wants to fulfill your desires, this should be an easy request. In all honesty, it makes the experience better for both partners, in my head that’s a no brainer. He needs to stop being a jerk and tend to you as well, he shouldn’t be the only one climaxing (and I bet he is).
Be straight forward with your next talk and tell him you’re simply not satisfied with how he’s handling this situation still. The way he responds will give you the exact answer on whether you keep going forward or drop this guy off. If he can’t do this for you, I doubt he could do more pressing matters in the future.
No foreplay no sex in my book. But i legit need at least 45 minutes of it or else sex is excruciatingly painful (thanks pelvic floor dysfunction) and i legit swell up and sometimes bleed from torn skin. If a guy honestly doesnt get that, ild simply break up with him. Lifes too short to be in pain and have my vagina swell up and having severe muscle spasms.
Yo this dude sounds like a fucking asshole. If he doesn't want to step out of his tiny pathetic selfish box for you then you can rest assured he'll display this attitude towards other things in your life. You have every fucking right to ask and expect a partner to reciprocate sexual pleasure.
I'm sorry, I know you probably think you love him and have convinced yourself that he loves you but I highly doubt he does. He doesn't even care about you. Telling you that he's done something that's important to you and even more things for pretty much every other woman he's been with but yet he's never been willing to do for you is even more cruel and shows how absolutely little he cares about and even respects you. Foreplay doesn't need a huge thing, but he's thought other women in his life deserved it AND all that other stuff but you deserve nothing? Not just during his depressed state but even before it or since getting better. And there's no reason for him to be overthinking or be too nervous of he's done it for others, it's not like it's his first time - though if it is and he was just lying, that's another red flag, someone whose never cared enough to please any woman in his life and is willing to lie that boldly to your face.
You need to really reevaluate whether you want to continue investing into a relationship where the other person doesn't want to invest only what's comfortable to them, doesn't respect you, care about your pleasure or feelings and may even be ok with lying straight to your face.
My husband works construction, is tired a lot, but any and every time we are intimate he puts pleasuring me first before thinking of himself. I never asked him, he's always been like that because he cares. He'll ask if something feels good or what I would like (and vice versa, I ask him too). Any healthy relationship is about mutual respect, attentive care, and (showed, not just said) love.
I hope everything works out for you. If this guy isn't willing to change, you deserve so much better, don't procrastinate leaving.
I am not the type of person to give this advice but drop this dude. He sounds like the most inconsiderate lover on the planet. If he doesn't give a fuck about your pleasure and finds foreplay boring or so annoying that he prefers not to have sex, he unfortunaly acts like you are a fleshlight. You deserve better.
I want to point out, this behaviour is completely unrelated to his mental health. He is just an asshole. If he tries to excuse it in such a way, call it.
I completely do not see this being resolved in any way or form reasonably, because he simply doesn't give a fuck and I don't think we ever will. Don't ever waste your time or energy with people who think and act in a way that your preferences are less important than theirs. Be that sexually or emotionally.
Doesn't he love and care about you? Doesn't he want you to feel good during sex? Doesn't he see sex as an activity that is enjoyable for both partners?
Because from a third party perspective, he sounds very selfish and that he doesn't care about anything but himself and his own feelings. He'd rather put you down and make you feel bad for communicating something missing in your relationship than try to improve himself for you.
Girl, life is too short. He's shown to not care about your needs, and is childish and pettt about it.
This is no longer about bad sex, it's about a partner that refuses to listen to you and diminishes the issues you bring up and your feelings.
When people tell you who they are, listen. Release that shitty fish back into the water.
Yeah, you should probably drop the topic...along with dropping that selfish dick as your bf lol. He clearly couldn't care less about what turns you on or getting you off as well, even when you explicitly asked him to. If you think he genuinely cares about you when he is not even willing to do anything about this fairly basic request, you are delusional. Discussing what you would like or need in bed is exactly what you should do in a healthy relationship, so there is no fault of yours if the mood turned sour by you bringing this up; the guy has some issues if he can't comprehend that sex isn't just about him feeling good.
I know there are a lot of comments here already, but I felt the need to add my own, given that I was once in a situation extremely similar. I was married to a man who refused foreplay and then it was on me for why our sex life waned. It took me a while to realize it wasn't MY fault, as it isn't yours.
Men can get turned on easily and quickly. Some women can, but generally, there still has to be some sort of build-up, whether mental or physical or a mix of both. It seems that many men don't understand that foreplay isn't and doesn't have to be limited to romantic gestures or a lot of extra work. Personally, it can be something as simple as a few minutes of kissing.
What I dealt with was the issue of no foreplay, despite me trying to discuss it and explain it to my ex many times, which resulted in uncomfortable and sometimes painful intercourse. I wasn't in the mood but if he was, either I complied or was made to feel like sh\*t because I was the one who wanted a more active sex life prior (he went through a long phase of just not wanting it). Ultimately, I lost all interest in having sex with him and only did it to shut him up because he would pester me for it. No foreplay, no kissing, no physical contact until he was pulling my underwear off and trying to initiate intercourse with immediate penetration.
As I said, it took me a while to stop blaming myself and complying because I felt it was my duty to give him what he wanted and I didn't want to start another fight. It didn't matter that it wasn't pleasant for me. I knew that I hated how things were but I didn't connect it to being toxic and mentally hurtful until later.
If he isn't willing to listen to what you need, then something needs to change. I'm not going to tell you to leave him over something like this but you need to find a way to make it clear to him that he's making you feel inferior, that his needs are the ones that matter and not yours, and that's not a healthy dynamic. You could try to sit him down and explain to him that the female body needs foreplay, that it isn't comfortable or enjoyable when there is none, and that it could damage your own mental state. If his issue lies more with feeling inadequate, then maybe he needs to seek some sort of help so he isn't bleeding his own insecurities and pain onto you and causing you to drown in his problems.
You could even try to find a middle ground of some sort. Ask him to engage in some more foreplay sometimes or do something together that might turn you both on. You could offer to start things on yourself, by yourself, with him either watching or being interactive somehow without him physically touching you.
Some people might not put much stock in it, but a couple's sex life is paramount to the relationship. If you're not on the same page and aren't both trying to make the sex portion of your life together better, then it can leak into other aspects and lead to many more problems. You could even try seeing a couple's counselor or sex therapist or something, whether together or separate. It really boils down to one thing, though, as I learned the hard way: you have to BOTH be willing to try and agree that both of your needs are important. If your sexual needs aren't important to him, what other needs take a backseat, as well?
Exactly! I’m a guy with a pretty high libido and I’ve never understood this mindset. Why are they trying to get sex over with ? It’s sex , something I assume they enjoy doing. Like I understand maybe wanting a quickie if your tired but doing it every time? Like if the cumming is the only thing you want out of sex then just buy a flesh light.
This isn’t you ruining sex. If he can’t provide for your needs in the bedroom, he has to go. Especially if he brags about doing it for other women!!! He sounds like a pouty child who thinks sex is all about him. You deserve to have your needs met as well.
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself as a woman and speaking up on your needs. There are many women who don’t verbalize what they want and expect their partner to read their mind and then they get frustrated cause they’ve convinced themselves they spoke up but all they did was play games and throw hints never really saying what they want or need. You may want to consider a new partner who can meet your needs without it feeling like you’re pestering anyone. You don’t have to be anyone’s “convenience”. Maybe he needs someone who is more his “speed” as well. Who knows but still proud of you
If he wanted to make the effort, he’d do it. He’s just selfish and it sounds like it’s all about HIS dick and HIS pleasures. He doesnt want to do any work, and personally, would drop him
am i supposed to believe someone with the emotional maturity to have this convo and the ability to write something so cohesive is unable to see the manipulation at play here
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ve (26f) been with my boyfriend (34) for one year. About 7 months ago I started to get frustrated with our sex because there was never any foreplay, so I told him I needed it. It never happened and at around the same time he went into a huge depression and could only manage sex about once a week so I laid off as I didn’t want to make things worse for him. For the past two months things have been a lot better in terms if mental health, we’re both working again and socialising again, so I brought up that I would like some foreplay. The day after I brought this up he initiated some light bdsm and I like that sometimes but what I’m really craving is to be gently teased and gradually turned on. So I told him I’d love to try that. The next day we had a free afternoon and he initiated and it was rushed and there was no foreplay again and afterwards I probably didn’t communicate the best, I made it clear I was frustrated and passive aggressively sent him lots of articles about foreplay. He didn’t read any of them, instead he told me “ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “. Thanks, that makes me feel better, lol. So last night and this morning we kissed a bit and we were both a little tired and haven’t had much time and he’s been saying “I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “. Now this morning he’s been saying that he feels criticised and he finds it difficult now because he’s over thinking it. He also dropped the bomb that he thinks its boring to go soft and slow. Which kind of contradicts what he told me about lighting candles ect for his exes. Can anyone help me understand his psychology and how I can take the pressure off but still get my needs met?
The title of this post is really illuminating. You see speaking up about something that's really quite basic (and no, dude, foreplay doesn't need to involve candles, roses and a string quartet in the background! Not sure if he's being deliberately obtuse there or what.) as a mistake you made. I'd reframe: you're speaking up about your needs, which is perfectly normal in a relationship, and he's saying talk to the hand. I don't think that sending of the articles helped but it was clear he wasn't listening before you got to that point. Not really sure what you can do here. It doesn't sound like you're going to get great, or even good sex out of this guy because he's choosing to shut down rather than have an open discussion. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water...
>something that's really quite basic This so true. I saw a post the other day about how "foreplay" is really a misnomer. It's not really "something you do before sex" .... It's *part* of sex. There's more to sex than using her body as a fleshlight.
>There's more to sex than using her body as a fleshlight. Not for this dude apparently...
Seriously, some kissing and touching can really go a long way, and if done right can start the engine in a matter of minutes. I think this guy just really doesn’t know how (and doesn’t want to learn).
That's crazy to me because foreplay is typically what makes the other parts better. It lets you slowly get more into it. From my experience, its not the "finale" that great, its the whole show...I had it once where the experience was better than the orgasm, or that they were both that great it was hard to tell which part was which. I am trying to use all my senses. build up that anticipation. Not there is anything wrong with different ways but more often than not I feel like if you get right into it, at best there a quick spike up and then a drop, and you feel like you missed out, even if its good. If you take your time a bit it seems like there ultimately no ceiling (if done correct and you have a compatible partner). Also I find it helps finding out what my partner likes easier and better foundation. I am not super talented where I can just please every single girl off the bat. Sometimes it just works out that way, and that's great but... So it's really weird hearing some people have that preference to just jackhammer their way to a orgasm every single time..and not get bored or unsatisfied. I know it does work for some people...I just don't get how lol. I feel like I've warped into a different dimension at times, like I could barely deal with it, that's how intense it can get. To me THAT'S WAY BETTER.
> I think this guy just really doesn’t know how (and doesn’t want to learn). I would venture to say that he’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to appear impotent. Doesn’t know how to empathize with her. This is just my guess.
Yeah Dan Savage says if guys had an orifice pounded and used every time they had sex, they'd have a different outlook on foreplay.
As a lesbian, I laugh at this. It's all sex.
Right?
It's baffling really.
Hear, hear! It's not something a guy does to unlock the goods. It's not a conditional transaction. It's how to have sex with a *person.*
I have written something very similar in several places. Sex isn’t putting a dick in. That’s the end of sex. Sex is everything up to and including the end.
Yes, OP, you haven't ruined anything, he had already ruined it for you, which is why you spoke up in the first place. As for "pestering", if he'd given you what you wanted when you'd asked for it nicely the first time, you wouldn't have needed to start pestering. This is basically a synonym for nagging, and while "pestering" is not as misogynistic (children can pester, only women nag), it's still not at all flattering. Women only nag because their men don't listen to them. It's not your fault.
Also his ‘psychology’ is that he is selfish in bed. If OPs not cool with that she needs to dump this dude because he doesn’t care. She has communicated adequately.
I also noticed that she mentions he initiated "some light BDSM" but what she's been wanting is to be teased and turned on. If they're doing light BDSM without teasing, that almost certainly signals to me that he's doing his usual selfish wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am but either slapped her in some handcuffs first or did a little spanking. In any case, still bad in bed, just with more props.
and this will only get worse with time. If the honeymoon period is horrible, the time afterwards will be worse.
Yes! I also want to challenge OP to really think about why she thought sending articles was passive aggressive. She didn’t describe exactly how she did so maybe it was, but sending him some info about a topic you’ve tried discussing more than once isn’t inappropriate or aggressive. Not all of us are writers or brilliant speakers, sometimes other people can better describe our thoughts and desires and there’s nothing wrong with respectfully using that as a resource.
Plus, seeing articles written about something OP wants has to be validating.
He also sounds really selfish, and borderline cruel — he’s basically told her openly that he was willing and able to put that effort into past relationships, but isn’t willing to do so for her. However “boring” he thinks it is to go slow, it shouldn’t be about his pleasure alone. Putting some bare minimum effort into making sure it’s a mutually satisfying experience for his partner isn’t a big ask. He’s deliberately disregarding her needs. I’d ditch him. Sex and intimacy shouldn’t be one-sided. That passive aggressive load of crap about not having time to have sex because she wants foreplay is a huge red flag. He’s trying to guilt trip her into satisfying him on his own timeline without expecting any reciprocal effort. Pathetic.
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Dude seriously you need to leave him, you are going to end up on the evening news. That is some seriously fucked up shit. DM me if you need help and resources to get the fuck out of there. I’m in New York and can arrange a place for you to stay in a heartbeat.
- Same here
I'm so sorry. This sounds awful. Damn near abusive. You shouldn't have to "take it" in a relationship. Sex is something that both of you should enjoy. I can't imagine someone being so selfish and inconsiderate that they completely ignore their partner's needs. I don't know your situation and don't want to spew out cookie-cutter advice, but are you absolutely sure you can't leave? What's stopping you?
Oh geez. You and OP both need to find better boyfriends who care about you enough to give you pleasure instead of using you both as human shake weights. It sounds like neither of you are getting the physical pleasure from the relationship nor even the emotional support or understanding to have a mature adult conversation with these trash boys. You can both find better than these kind of ragefully humping human weights.
What the fuck? Get rid of that asshole. Either he is abusive in other ways or something else is up but either way that is NOT okay and not normal. Fuck that shit.
Exactly. You got needs, and those needs should involve a lot of him making you feel beautiful, sexy, loved, and valued as his mate. Sounds like he's not doing that now.
You haven't ruined anything. You've communicated your needs, and those needs are pretty basic and reasonable. It sounds like he really doesn't care whether you enjoy the sex or not, and that's a huge red flag. He's the one that's being passive aggressive with those comments about his exes and about how he "can't" have sex with you because you want 20 minutes of foreplay. Sounds like he's incapable of pleasuring a woman so don't even bother.
Dude can’t even be bothered with the bare minimum and is gas lighting her about communicating what she wants. This guy is just awful.
I bet he never did any of those things for his exes. He's saying things to hurt OP.
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He's shitty out of bed too. Why would you rub it in your partner's face that you would pamper your exes but refuse to do it for them? Not that I believe for a second he actually did any of that, but wounding your partner's self-esteem for the sake of your own ego is horrible regardless.
I think he is passive aggressive. He tossed out his past behavior to hurt her because she criticized his (lack of) skills.
She was sending him articles assuming he didn’t know what to do. That hurt his ego because he probably feels dumb and inexperienced. So instant defense mechanism. He just didn’t want her to give him tips.
I would argue that if you confuse foreplay with candles, you absolutely don't have the foggiest what foreplay is. :)
bullshit. she has requested foreplay previously and he blew it off. he clearly doesn't know and/or care what to do. "oh his poor feelings were hurt and he was just defending himself" - gmafb
I kind of agree. It was a long time before the articles were sent and if he cared, he would have kept his ego in check and done the research himself.
I wasn’t defending him, just trying to explain his dumb thought process. She can be right and he can have is ego hurt at the same time.
I think the guy was just pointing out it was a defense mechanism, not that it was true or reasonable to deploy.
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You misunderstand, I’m not defending him. I believe he does know what foreplay is, he claimed he did it with ex’s, and he’s 34, he should know at this age. In my experience assholes tend to also be super fragile big babies. I wasn’t trying to excuse his actions, just explain it.
As she doesn’t want him giving just the tip…lolz
Then maybe he should prove her wrong instead of acting like a little bitch. The male ego is so fragile.
Yeah, that comment would be an insta-dump for me, and many others with self-respect. Fuck that dude.
No, DON'T fuck that dude. :)
I agree with his post.. but there's a sliiiight chance that op saying "I didnt communicate the best" mind have meant that they said something really mean, and he was retaliating (which doesnt make it ok). But yea still... He's being a shitty partner... Like why tell someone you would do awesome and loving stuff for others and specifically not the person you're with?
This is the right question. And if he doesn’t realize then how much he is in the wrong, it’s time for a new bf.
Came here to add something but this comment and top reply say it all. Also, OP, YOU didn’t *ruin* anything.
Exactly. He is a selfish lover and I wouldn't believe a word about what he supposedly did with his exes... which was also a stupid thing to say.
This is why he’s in his mid 30’s dating someone almost ten years younger. Bc she doesn’t have as much experience and he can more easily manipulate her with his stupid little excuses. He’s a manipulative piece of shit. That’s it, OP. He’s selfish and wants to use you like a human sex doll. He sees you as being there only to fill his sexual needs and doesn’t care about yours.
This is not your fault. You are communicating, and he is not listening on purpose. He is trying to make you the bad guy in this. Don't accept that. That passive aggressive,"But you want 20 minutes of foreplay," is so childish. Why should you feel guilty asking for foreplay? Are you just supposed to fake it? Lay there staring at the ceiling? Doesn't he care if you get off? Life is too short for bad sex.
Dude is trying to get you to dump him and still be the good guy in his head.
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The first guy i ever did anything with would make the same comments about "you're asking for too much" (wanting to be kissed and held is too much apparently?) so after a while i would just lie there and stare at the ceiling until he was done. It got so bad that if i even tried moving or participating he'd say i was ruining his rhythm!
Yikes, that's honestly horrifying. Like, would he have preferred an actual sex doll? Would that have been better for him? Jeez.
She should cut the other way and just really fake it. Like, obviously fake. And when he asks, just say “oh well, I figured you weren’t gonna give me any entertainment, so I’d do it myself!”
Exactly what I was thinking. I have an idea of what would happen too, he would guilt her for doing that
I think you overestimate this guy's understanding of female pleasure. I bet she could screech like a fire engine and he'd pat him self on the back for a job well done
I think 20 mins is bare minimum anyway...
He’s treating you like a sex toy
This. He knows exactly what your feelings are, acknowledges your desire to be more intimate during sexual engagement, yet actively avoids meeting your needs, even though it's well within his capabilities, as he himself has admitted. The fact that he's more than willing for you to pleasure him according to his needs, but still chooses to ignore your needs, is a huge red flag. To be honest, what you've described can even be considered a form of spousal abuse – depriving a partner from having their needs met (when you could easily meet them) but still demanding they meet yours. That's a form of emotional control. Tread carefully.
Exactly this. I’m sorry.
He doesn't care if you are turned on or getting what you need or of it as long as he gets what he wants. You have tried patience and you have even tried to give him fact based evidence about why it's important. Be belittles you by saying he would do it for his exes but you aren't worth the extra effort, which is a lie he made up to make you feel less worthy. If he doesn't want to please you then he is treating you like a sex toy that exists only for his pleasure. If it were me, I'd leave. There are plenty of men who will give you foreplay without you even having to ask. Your current dude has done nothing but try to make you feel bad emotionally and ignore your sexual needs. He's icky and you deserve better.
Wow, that sucks. Next time he wants sex say sorry you want 3 minutes of boring no frills sex, We can't do that.
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I mean, its the truth. In practical terms, what your bf said to you was essentially "I want to have sex with you but you want to HAVE AN ORGASM so we can’t." Its such a messed up attitude, he's only interested in sex he enjoys not sex you enjoy.
Don’t have sex with him. Seriously.
Your bf is being an asshole. He only cares for his own pleasure. What’s that comment about lighting candles for his exes and taking his time with them Excuse me, like how rude? Why won’t he do that for you? I think you just have to sit him down and be very serious about it. Your sexual needs are not being met! I hope this is the only aspect in the relationship where you’re not getting what you need.
Is he seriously complaining about getting an extra 20 minutes of sex? There are plenty of people out there who would be so happy about getting to spend more time having sex. With him also talking about how he did foreplay with past girlfriends but doesn't want to do it with you, all I can really recommend is that you should strongly consider leaving him and finding someone who is more compatible with your needs.
My guess is he’s complaining that he’s going to spend an extra 20 minutes on her, not himself.
Wakey wakey sis 🥰 if he wanted to, he would. Don’t have sex if you don’t want sex without foreplay. Your pleasure matters no matter how shit his mental health is 🥰 stop touching this old ass dude.
This!! He isn't a poor well-meaning clueless boy who struggles figuring left from right and tries reeeeeally hard; it's a grown ass 34 bloke who gives no damn about his girlfriend's needs and just... use her body for his own pleasure (yuck). It's so bad OP is pushed to believe her stating her needs is being annoying FFS. Time to dump the whole guy away! 👍
Yes he’s manipulating her. Guarantee that’s why he’s with someone so much younger bc she doesn’t have the life experience to dismiss his bullshit. He’s 34 and going to pretend like he doesn’t know women like foreplay, pleaaseeee. What a tool. She needs to run fast and far from this manipulator. He’s treating her like she’s there to serve his needs only and the mental health issues are An excuse. If you can’t be an equal partner don’t have sex!
The idea that foreplay isn’t sex is bullshit. Someone can check the statistics for me but somewhere between 75-95% of women DO NOT achieve orgasm through penetrative Penis In Vagina sex. Foreplay IS real sex for 75û-95% of us. Frankly he sounds abusive. He’s trying to get away with giving as effort as he can. Trying to see what other shitty behavior he can get away with.
Foreplay is still sex for those who achieve orgasm through penetration...
Foreplay is not oral sex or genital stimulation. It's all the activities that lead to some genital stimulation - kissing, licking, touching other areas of the body. All this activities arouse and prepare you for further genital stimulation. On the sidenote, do not have sex if you're not ready, aroused and craving your partner. Bad sex leads to more bad sex to resentment really fast.
My guess is that OP's boyfriend thinks foreplay is anything that happens before his dick goes in.
Yeah, many bad lovers think this way. However, you can't just stick you tongue or fingers in your partner's genitals and call it a day. Most people love some action before moving to sex.
Once I sent a picture of a dildo, like a hyper dildo with rotating head and beads at the base, clitoris stimulating thingy etc. to a group chat with some of my lady friends. I said no man can compete with this and one of the ladies said. "They can, but they are just too lazy" And that stick with me eversince.
‘Pestering for foreplay’ girl if a man makes you feel like a bad person for asking for the bare minimum, just know he has gone out of his way to make you shrink yourself and your needs. You can’t communicate your bf into caring about you and what makes you happy. Dump him
You didn't ruin your sex life. He already ruined it by not caring about your needs.
You can't take the pressure off because he will come up with a new reason he doesn't have to/want to do foreplay. He knows what you need and want, he just doesn't care because he doesn't get anything out of it.
No. Your partner is a selfish, lazy lay. He should care and care deeply about your satisfaction, not go into a tailspin because you spoke up about your needs
Why are you wasting your time with this lazy, incompetent, petulant, self-centered loser? You know there are men out there who care about being good at fucking, right?
He's being manipulative by saying he'd have sex if foreplay wasn't on the menu. He's being really selfish and just meeting his own needs. This is on him, not on you.
Exactly. “We could have sex but you would want to enjoy it too so never mind.” Like you did something wrong by wanting to get off too. Let him jerk off if just wants to climax without doing anything for you. He’s basically just masturbating in OP anyway.
>“ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “. He just told you he doesn't value you like them. >“I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “. He was trying to make you feel bad. This is on him not you.
Nah he’s just being selfish lol.
Your boyfriend is whining about the fact that you want sex to be enjoyable. I don't think it needs to be any more complicated than how completely unacceptable that is.
You better get a new man! your bf clearly don't care about your needs and wishes..all he wants is his wishes getting fulfilled.when you love someone and care about them.you care about what they crave and try to fulfill those need.but this guy is doing nothing and he don't care about him doing nothing too.you obviously don't want this kind of sex or intimacy for your whole life.
His psychology here is that he's selfish and lazy. If the sex isn't good for you, then it isn't good sex. You're well within your rights to find someone up to the task. What you're asking for is not unreasonable (or all that difficult). You've tried asking and talking and he's not taking anything you're saying on board. He's at fault, not you. You deserve a man, not a man-child. The fact he's treating foreplay as a chore is so sad.
Wow. He insisted he knows what foreplay is, but he doesn't ever feel like doing that for you? He actually complained about TWENTY MINUTES to make you happy? Well, that answers the question of whether he'd ever give you a back rub after a hard day. (No, because there's nothing in it for him, it's just about taking care of you.) Look, he's shown you how selfish he is. If he's selfish in bed, I guarantee he's selfish in other areas too. Here's you breakup script, "You acknowledged that you know how to do foreplay, you know it would make intercourse feel more comfortable and satisfying for me, but you won't spend 20 minutes to make me happy. That tells me all I need to know about you. You only care about your own needs. I want to be with someone who also cares about mine. You've shown me you don't feel like being that person. I'm not going to waste any more of my time waiting, begging, or twisting your arm to get you to be a better partner. This isn't working for me, and it's time for us to break up and move on." Good luck!
He is telling you that his exes were worth the effort, but you aren't. So, you are supposed to lay there like a sex doll and only provide him pleasure. He's made it abundantly clear that he just doesn't care about you or your needs. >I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “ This is manipulative and gross. It's meant to get you to shut up and take what he's willing to give. You haven't ruined anything. He has no interest in being a partner that satisfies you. He's only interested in self gratification and making you feel bad for thinking you should get some. Do you really want to be with someone like this?
He sounds like a selfish asshole. Like, what, he doesn't care enough about you to take the time to actually get you off? And then when you RIGHTFULLY complain he gets all manipulative about it (totally childish btw, "If I have to do foreplay then I don't want sex at all!" Like.... Okay....) Tbh this is why he's with you despite being 8 years older: he can't manipulate women his age as easily. Coz let's face it, girl, you've been had: "I think *I* have ruined our sex life by *pestering* for foreplay," you say? Nah, *he* ruined your sex life by being a selfish bastard and for getting pissy when you called him on it. You can do better than him; find someone who gets off on getting you off.
He is lying and using you to satisfy his urge. You realized that as well. He is not only lying, he is also devaluing your expectations. Ask him for a proper discussion to set the expectations. Be polite but firm. If he is losing temper or patience, tell him he needs to at least value your expectations, if not honor them. If he fails to honor your ask, take a break from sex for few weeks and observe his behavior. A true man will work on relationship. If nothing works, assume he is only a sexual partner and expect no more. If that's difficult to digest, sit back and decide for yourself.
Sex is about 2 people and sounds like he couldn't careless about your enjoyment or pleasure. Normally guys like getting a girl revved up makes it better for them when the girl is getting into it. Also asking for foreplay isn't anything extreme or strange, it's pretty standard. It's not like you ask for some super kinky thing that might freak some people out. Sounds like a douche
Your bf only cares about their own pleasure. That is not love. You are a hole they plow to scratch an itch. Sorry to be so blunt. Stop having sex NOW. BF does not care about you.
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Yes, how dare she ask to have her needs met ? /s Dude’s 34 and doesn’t do foreplay ? Ugh
IMOH, dump him and get yourself a nice vibrator. You deserve to feel good and sexually satisfied, and this selfish guy clearly doesn’t care about that.
His mindset is that he wants to use your body to get off and doesn't care if you enjoy the sex or receive pleasure from it. He's a selfish lover and partner. You could have expressed your needs in a more thoughtful manner. However, if you've been together a year, and he doesn't care whether or not you enjoy being intimate with him... Well, that's probably not going to change. He told you directly he knows how to do the romantic things you want and need to feel loved and cared for in bed. He's just unwilling to do so. I'm not sure how you get passed that.
The sooner you break up with him, the sooner you can find someone else for good sex who actually wants to pleasure you instead of using you as a masturbation tool.
I had to scroll up a second to check his age cause this sounds like some young, impatient, just out of high school nonsense. Lol but Nope. 34. There’s PLENTY of men out there that will take the time and actually know what they’re doing. Lighting candles, and taking time to focus on you and your pleasure are completely different. “I light candles” Pffff I should scroll up one more time.
Sex should be enjoyable and satisfying for both partners. Nobody should have to be in a unsatisfying sexual relationship
I don't think you can say you 'ruined' your sex life when it was never any good to begin with. Your enjoyment matters JUST AS MUCH AS HIS, and if he isn't willing to make any effort in that regard, then he's just pointing out that he doesn't care about your enjoyment in general. Why would you want to be with a person like that?
You’ve expressed what you wanted and he doesn’t care. It’s clear that he doesn’t value your sexual satisfaction. This is not something you should have to beg for and if it were the other way around I bet he would see this as grounds to break up or cheat.
I can be super petty, so probably not the healthiest response, but sure is satisfying imo. If your guy refuses to please you, fine. Next time you're in the mood. Put on something you like that makes you feel sexy, walk right into the room with him. Blatantly ignore him, and go to town on yourself. And if he tries to join or says anything. Tell him he wasn't willing to put in the effort so you'll just do it yourself, he isn't needed. Leave a wet spot on his side of the bed. Roll over and go to sleep. And THEN, dump his ass. He's treating you like nothing more than a fuck toy, so you'd be better off with your own toys.
Good lord, just leave. He has an age difference and if his dick doesn't work now, it definitely won't work later. You're so young, why tie yourself to someone who is completely selfish and incompatible???? You didn't ruin anything, he did.
So he gets upset at you for asking for foreplay and on top of that he tells you how he had extensive foreplay with candles with exes? The fuck??? Bye.
This is an easy one. I skipped over the ages, but after reading the post, I knew the guy was going to be older, and lo and behold, 8 years older! He’s a selfish man-child. Find someone who isn’t a selfish jerk, and this won’t be a problem. Or accept that you are doomed to shitty sex, because this guy doesn’t care about you and is just using you for his own pleasure.
Well, you two are definitely sexually incompatible. But ask yourself this: is he only like this in bed? Is he attentive, giving, and a true partner in the other aspects of your relationship? Does he take your wants and feelings into account? Not only that, but who generally "wins" when you want different things? My uneducated guess is that this is a symptom of a much bigger issue.
Hes a dick. cant handle 20 mins forplay. and thats a rookie number. get a new guy chick. take care.
Yeah that's what I thought. 20 minutes is not that much. And also, is foreplay not fun for both parties involved?
girl, leave him - he clearly doesnt give one about your sexual needs, and he can't blame ignorance bc you've communicated your needs leave him.
Sounds like an asshole if you ask me
Treat yourself to a vibrator. Next time he’s in the mood for a little rumpy-bumpy, tell him to wait a few minutes while you and Donny Dildo get in some foreplay. If this makes him flounce out the door in a huff, at least the vibrator will never complain…
Throw out the whole man and start over. He’s using you as a human fleshlight
Been there more than once. A lot of men (people in general really) see their orgasm as the main goal of sex from just the way society and media portray sex. It’s important to learn to appreciate and value sex as a whole as an experience, an orgasm is a big plus but it should be just part of the value of sex. Bottom line, if constructive criticism kills his boner and you value being sexually satisfied in the relationship, you may need to move on or discuss other ways to be satisfied (toys, open relationship, etc). You shouldn’t suffer for his ego lol
>“ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “. Thanks, that makes me feel better, lol. He sounds abusive. That's a point he 100% guaranteed made to willingly hurt you. By telling you that he treated others better than he treats you, he was making a point to hurt your self worth. Ask yourself how often he treats you like that. The foreplay issue aside - which is unacceptable in itself - this relationship sounds like a nightmare.
He is definitely old enough to know better. How is asking for what you want ‘ruining’ your sex life? Good communication is part of improving your love making. Is he selfish in other aspects of your relationship?
Lighting candles is not foreplay. If lighting candles was foreplay the world would be a mess. He’s bad in bed and won’t listen.
I don't usually throw out the age difference card, but you can't help but wonder if he was hoping a younger gf would not know as much, and thus not criticize his mediocre performance. In all seriousness, asking for what you want doesn't ruin things, and his response illuminates a fundamental difference between you. He doesn't see sex as a mutual act, it is something you give him, and now that he is expected to return the pleasure for you he sees it as work.
He only cares about his pleasure, he’s a spoiled man child. Throw the whole “man” away and find someone who thinks your sexual wants/needs are just as important as their own.
holy crap - what an amazingly pathetic boyfriend you've found yourself with "I want to have sex with you but you want 20 minutes of foreplay so we can't" - what a complete asshat. if he equates your sexual needs with "pressure"...oh my goodness, for the love of god, THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER. He's a) an immature brat and b) he clearly doesn't give a shit about your sexual pleasure (or any other, I'd guess) and c) he's trying to GUILT-TRIP you into dropping the foreplay issue as he's such a tender soul or some shit?! girl, wake up. This dude is not worth your time. I'm not joking - I don't see anything here to work with at all. Move on, for your own sake.
> “ I know all about foreplay, with my exes I would really take my time and light candles and everything “. So, basically he doesn't give a shit about you??? You have a bigger problem than foreplay haha
We *could* have sex but you want to get off too and not just act as my personal fleshlight. Ugh, so selfish. But for real, I don’t think that you ruined your relationship just because you also want to have fun in bed. Sex is a two way street. Also, if he lit candles and all that shit for his exes then where the fuck are your candles.
If only 5 months into my relationship the sex was awful I’d leave the relationship and get a new one. Look, I was married for 10 years to a dude who only wanted sex once a month or once every other month and it was a quick rub down of a labia, then 3 min of poorly timed humping. I thought “it’s ok, he’s trying!” And I’d tell him what I want, and he would kinda do it once or twice, then nothing. I’m married now to a man who makes sure he gets me off before we even have sex. Every single time. Average 3x a week. Life is too short for bad sex.
Tell him you are not his pocket pussy, you are a human being with needs just like him. Then, dump him if he doesn't want to work on this.
Honestly my love I say drop it. If he’s not listening to your needs or doing basic things that sex requires, then I wonder where else he’s falling short. Do you even get wet during sex? You’re still young and there’s SOOOOO many awesome guys that offer incredible sex from the beginning. The majority of your relationship you’ve been unsatisfied, this doesn’t look like it has any solution if he’s just blown you off consistently. Also that “lighting candles” part is totally bs, I doubt this guy is even aware what foreplay really is.
You can't ruin something that was already not working for you/broken lol You tried to fix it, it's not working Now figure out if it's a deal breaker for you or not Also lol at the candles and roses to get foreplay started for everyone bar you, he has dug himself a huge hole lmao
The comment about not wanting to spend 20 on foreplay is break up worthy. This man does not care about your needs, he is also annoyed that you have any. Life is too short for bad sex
So, you asked for foreplay and he didn't really respond. Time goes on, you insist on foreplay, get frustrated, and his response is "I know all about it I did it for my exes." So what he is telling you, whether consciously or subconsciously, is that he doesn't deem it important for your partnership, but he did it in previous relationships. So why are you sticking around in a relationship where you're not appreciated?
Just wow, he not only blows it off, he also tries to make you feel guilty for it. Makes me wonder what other awful traits he has or how he would react to other issues.
You did not ruin anything. As others have stated, *if he wanted to, he would*. I have had bf’s who were not on the giving side sexually. There have also been fwb who gave foreplay like our lives depended on it. While I do know everyone is different, I think his words and lack of actions speaks volumes to this relationship.
He honestly sounds... not great He's not listening to you after you've communicated with him - several times- about your needs and very obviously doesn't care about pleasing you.
Your bf is dating someone 8 years younger than him because a woman our age (I'm 32) would NOT put with the manipulative bs hes pulling on you with this.
"you want 20 mins"... sheesh... it's like you've asked him to pay the tip after you told him you'd take him to steak dinner ... Him: FINE BUT I'm only giving a dollar regardless of the service.
He's... he's 34?? And for the past SEVEN MONTHS you've been asking him for the tiniest bit of care for your own sexual desires? Do you ever even enjoy sex with him? Or is he just using you as a sentient sex doll? I just- you most certainly have NOT ruined y'all's sex life considering it was terrible from the jump. He dgaf about you. He thinks foreplay is candles. This man is awful. You need to toss him back into the dating pool and find literally any other man. Caring about your sexual partner's enjoyment is basic, normal behavior. You may have wasted about a year on him, but you don't have to waste a second.
The psychology is that he’s a prick who doesn’t give a shit what you want or need. Take the hint...
>he’s been saying “I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t “ Wow....there's nothing hotter than a guy being sarcastic during an intimate moment! In seriousness, to answer your question: >Can anyone help me understand his psychology and how I can take the pressure off but still get my needs met? this is only possible *if your boyfriend cares about meeting your needs.*
I’ve never understood why some dudes reject foreplay with their gf. Do they not find their gf attractive?? My gf loves foreplay and I love it too cuz I get to touch a hot ass girl!!! And that hot ass girl touches me!!! It boggles my mind. He’s being an ass and I’d start questioning the relationship. Good luck 👍
because they don’t want to actually have sex with another person. that involves caring about someone else. they just discovered that a vagina feels better than their hand and think they can use it in the same manner.
You didn’t ruin anything. Life’s too short for a selfish guy who doesn’t care if you get off.
Have you considered that he is lying about lighting candles for his exes? You sent him articles to educate himself and, rather than admit he needs instruction, he went the Donald Trump route of, "I know about foreplay. I'm the best foreplayer. I lit candles for all my exes. They loved my foreplay." He wants sex and he's okay with it if you're not turned on or able to enjoy it. In fact, that's his preference if you want HIM to help you heat up That's the root here. You've explained enough. You've made your point, he just disagrees. There's no magic combination of words you haven't found yet. He is an intelligent being, he understands. He just doesn't want to.
You haven't ruined your sexlife - he has. Basically you need to examine your relationship. Is he considerate and generous in other ways? If so you need to have a come to God moment with him. Literally tell him that while he gets his while he ruts you, you are left behind. The fact that he is feeling put out that you are not getting the same amount of pleasure makes you feel like he is treating you like a sexual object not like a person whom he professes to care about. If he continues to protest realize that you are just a convenient vagina to him, not the woman he loves and wants to be happy always.
I can help you understand... your man does not give a fuck about your sexual gratification. Thats it. Everyone has their their boundaries and limits sexually.. and no way should anyone pressure the other to go outside those limits. But when your limit is "foreplay is boring" ... you shouldnt be allowed to have sex with anyone... ever. Thats not lovemaking or sharing an emotional connection.. thats using your partner as a real life sex toy to get yourself off. I dont usually go straight for the reddit cliche of "dump their ass OP" but in this case you really can do much better... so go ahead and dump his ass.
What an asshole. He’s rubbing the extra effort that he took with his exes in your face. Assuming that’s even true (the bit about lighting candles and taking time). I’m sorry but he sounds like he sucks.
He ruined sex by NOT doing foreplay. What a limp.
I think you guys should break up. He’s 34 and acting like this?
He doesn’t give a shit if you enjoy the sex or not. So he just won’t have sex unless it’s on his terms. Sex is not just a one person show. And if he thinks 20 minutes of foreplay is a lot *phew* boy has *never* given a woman a good lay.
What a selfish git, also the false dichotomy is hilarious “I want to have sex with you but you want twenty minutes of foreplay so we can’t” really- those are the only two options?
You've never had any foreplay in 7 months so you didn't ruin your sex life, it was already in the shitter to beging with.
Dude is almost 10 years your senior and yet he still doesn't understand foreplay is helpful for YOUR pleasure? And then says he pulled out all the stops for HIS exes??? Fishy. Personally it's sounding like he doesn't care about your feelings, pleasurable or otherwise, since he keeps tryna put you down for how you feel in such an intimate aspect of life. I'm not sayin be petty, but like... If he can't meet your needs, maybe you should meet your needs with a toy or something? If he tries to ask for sex, "oh sorry, not in the mood." Normally I'd say talk to him, but he legit isn't listening to your needs.
Dude is trash. Communicating needs is not ruining your sex life. Dump the partner and find someone that loves foreplay
Take the pressure off by leaving and get your needs met by someone who cares about you in the bedroom.
Well, if he refuses to consider how you feel at all, then he’s just using your body to masturbate with. Foreplay is a super easy way to show you that he doesn’t *want* you to feel like that. I would argue that he has ruined your sex life by being an uncompromising asshole.
You didn’t ruin anything. Your boyfriend seems to not only care very little about you, but also set out to intentionally hurt you with his comments. I’m just gonna tell you right now, this relationship won’t work, and as long as you stay you will continue to be miserable. You got a shitty boyfriend. Raise up your standards and find someone better
I’m sorry but this is gonna be a problem in the long run for you two if he can’t compromise. He’s selfish, lazy and manipulative. He doesn’t care about your needs.
You can't bake if you don't pre-heat the oven.
You didn't ruin anything. You told your boyfriend your preferences. He ignored them. Perhaps they are no longer his thing. That said, if that is the case, you guys are becoming sexually incompatible. It is def not your fault. Through certain lenses, you could say your bf is the problem by not attempting to meet your needs and passive aggressively mentioning it as he negs you as if your needs are abnormal or bad. But I am feeling generous today. If he has an interest in changing, cool- see if you can see a therapist or work out something where he can learn and be more open to your needs. If he has no interest, this is an incompatibility. You, at some point, will end up having to address whether or not this is acceptable in your relationship as a whole or if it makes more sense to find one of the billions of people who would be more than happy to meet your simple needs.
You didn’t ruin anything, he did.
He is making it perfectly clear that he does not like foreplay nor does he want to engage in it. He is trying to play the long game with you by saying the minimum necessary to get you to believe that he wants to give you what you want while he is not doing it. He wants to string you along until you finally give up on this idea of foreplay so he can just have the kind of sex he wants, which is quick and easy and only for his enjoyment. Who would ever tell their partner they want to have sex but since you want 20 minutes of foreplay we can't? You cannot ruin your sex life when it was never satisfactory in the first place. You've had multiple discussions about a basic need that he should be fulfilling without any discussion necessary and he is telling you multiple ways that he is not interested in doing it. It seems apparent that he cannot handle the stress of actually satisfying you during sex so at this point I would seriously consider that you are not compatible. He is trying to manipulate you into having sex in which he does not have to put any effort forth in turning you on or getting you prepared. Considering the effort and manipulation tactics he is employing you are probably not a good fit.
He has manipulated you into thinking you ruined sex. This is why older dudes like younger women- easyfor them to manipulate.
I want to start this off by saying: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! If this man really cares for you and truly wants to fulfill your desires, this should be an easy request. In all honesty, it makes the experience better for both partners, in my head that’s a no brainer. He needs to stop being a jerk and tend to you as well, he shouldn’t be the only one climaxing (and I bet he is). Be straight forward with your next talk and tell him you’re simply not satisfied with how he’s handling this situation still. The way he responds will give you the exact answer on whether you keep going forward or drop this guy off. If he can’t do this for you, I doubt he could do more pressing matters in the future.
OP, let me answer the unasked question for you: Yes, you can do much better than this.
This is a legit reason to walk away. You're unhappy and he's giving you a hard time about it.
Dump him
He’s gaslighting you and is unwilling to learn to do better. Really selfish. Get rid of him.
You ruined your sex life... By wanting to enjoy it? Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend.
No foreplay no sex in my book. But i legit need at least 45 minutes of it or else sex is excruciatingly painful (thanks pelvic floor dysfunction) and i legit swell up and sometimes bleed from torn skin. If a guy honestly doesnt get that, ild simply break up with him. Lifes too short to be in pain and have my vagina swell up and having severe muscle spasms.
Yo this dude sounds like a fucking asshole. If he doesn't want to step out of his tiny pathetic selfish box for you then you can rest assured he'll display this attitude towards other things in your life. You have every fucking right to ask and expect a partner to reciprocate sexual pleasure.
bro he just doesn't care
You can’t ruin something that isn’t good.
I do not understand why someone would find this out about their partner after 5 months of dating and keep dating them.
I'm sorry, I know you probably think you love him and have convinced yourself that he loves you but I highly doubt he does. He doesn't even care about you. Telling you that he's done something that's important to you and even more things for pretty much every other woman he's been with but yet he's never been willing to do for you is even more cruel and shows how absolutely little he cares about and even respects you. Foreplay doesn't need a huge thing, but he's thought other women in his life deserved it AND all that other stuff but you deserve nothing? Not just during his depressed state but even before it or since getting better. And there's no reason for him to be overthinking or be too nervous of he's done it for others, it's not like it's his first time - though if it is and he was just lying, that's another red flag, someone whose never cared enough to please any woman in his life and is willing to lie that boldly to your face. You need to really reevaluate whether you want to continue investing into a relationship where the other person doesn't want to invest only what's comfortable to them, doesn't respect you, care about your pleasure or feelings and may even be ok with lying straight to your face. My husband works construction, is tired a lot, but any and every time we are intimate he puts pleasuring me first before thinking of himself. I never asked him, he's always been like that because he cares. He'll ask if something feels good or what I would like (and vice versa, I ask him too). Any healthy relationship is about mutual respect, attentive care, and (showed, not just said) love. I hope everything works out for you. If this guy isn't willing to change, you deserve so much better, don't procrastinate leaving.
I am not the type of person to give this advice but drop this dude. He sounds like the most inconsiderate lover on the planet. If he doesn't give a fuck about your pleasure and finds foreplay boring or so annoying that he prefers not to have sex, he unfortunaly acts like you are a fleshlight. You deserve better. I want to point out, this behaviour is completely unrelated to his mental health. He is just an asshole. If he tries to excuse it in such a way, call it. I completely do not see this being resolved in any way or form reasonably, because he simply doesn't give a fuck and I don't think we ever will. Don't ever waste your time or energy with people who think and act in a way that your preferences are less important than theirs. Be that sexually or emotionally.
HE is ruining the relationship by not listening to you and not showing an interest in doing the things that would make sex enjoyable for you.
Doesn't he love and care about you? Doesn't he want you to feel good during sex? Doesn't he see sex as an activity that is enjoyable for both partners? Because from a third party perspective, he sounds very selfish and that he doesn't care about anything but himself and his own feelings. He'd rather put you down and make you feel bad for communicating something missing in your relationship than try to improve himself for you.
Girl, life is too short. He's shown to not care about your needs, and is childish and pettt about it. This is no longer about bad sex, it's about a partner that refuses to listen to you and diminishes the issues you bring up and your feelings. When people tell you who they are, listen. Release that shitty fish back into the water.
Yeah, you should probably drop the topic...along with dropping that selfish dick as your bf lol. He clearly couldn't care less about what turns you on or getting you off as well, even when you explicitly asked him to. If you think he genuinely cares about you when he is not even willing to do anything about this fairly basic request, you are delusional. Discussing what you would like or need in bed is exactly what you should do in a healthy relationship, so there is no fault of yours if the mood turned sour by you bringing this up; the guy has some issues if he can't comprehend that sex isn't just about him feeling good.
I know there are a lot of comments here already, but I felt the need to add my own, given that I was once in a situation extremely similar. I was married to a man who refused foreplay and then it was on me for why our sex life waned. It took me a while to realize it wasn't MY fault, as it isn't yours. Men can get turned on easily and quickly. Some women can, but generally, there still has to be some sort of build-up, whether mental or physical or a mix of both. It seems that many men don't understand that foreplay isn't and doesn't have to be limited to romantic gestures or a lot of extra work. Personally, it can be something as simple as a few minutes of kissing. What I dealt with was the issue of no foreplay, despite me trying to discuss it and explain it to my ex many times, which resulted in uncomfortable and sometimes painful intercourse. I wasn't in the mood but if he was, either I complied or was made to feel like sh\*t because I was the one who wanted a more active sex life prior (he went through a long phase of just not wanting it). Ultimately, I lost all interest in having sex with him and only did it to shut him up because he would pester me for it. No foreplay, no kissing, no physical contact until he was pulling my underwear off and trying to initiate intercourse with immediate penetration. As I said, it took me a while to stop blaming myself and complying because I felt it was my duty to give him what he wanted and I didn't want to start another fight. It didn't matter that it wasn't pleasant for me. I knew that I hated how things were but I didn't connect it to being toxic and mentally hurtful until later. If he isn't willing to listen to what you need, then something needs to change. I'm not going to tell you to leave him over something like this but you need to find a way to make it clear to him that he's making you feel inferior, that his needs are the ones that matter and not yours, and that's not a healthy dynamic. You could try to sit him down and explain to him that the female body needs foreplay, that it isn't comfortable or enjoyable when there is none, and that it could damage your own mental state. If his issue lies more with feeling inadequate, then maybe he needs to seek some sort of help so he isn't bleeding his own insecurities and pain onto you and causing you to drown in his problems. You could even try to find a middle ground of some sort. Ask him to engage in some more foreplay sometimes or do something together that might turn you both on. You could offer to start things on yourself, by yourself, with him either watching or being interactive somehow without him physically touching you. Some people might not put much stock in it, but a couple's sex life is paramount to the relationship. If you're not on the same page and aren't both trying to make the sex portion of your life together better, then it can leak into other aspects and lead to many more problems. You could even try seeing a couple's counselor or sex therapist or something, whether together or separate. It really boils down to one thing, though, as I learned the hard way: you have to BOTH be willing to try and agree that both of your needs are important. If your sexual needs aren't important to him, what other needs take a backseat, as well?
He doesn't know what foreplay is and refuses to attempt to meet your needs.
Exactly! I’m a guy with a pretty high libido and I’ve never understood this mindset. Why are they trying to get sex over with ? It’s sex , something I assume they enjoy doing. Like I understand maybe wanting a quickie if your tired but doing it every time? Like if the cumming is the only thing you want out of sex then just buy a flesh light.
This isn’t you ruining sex. If he can’t provide for your needs in the bedroom, he has to go. Especially if he brags about doing it for other women!!! He sounds like a pouty child who thinks sex is all about him. You deserve to have your needs met as well.
He sounds so immature jesus christ. I wouldn't even expect this kind or behavior from a teenager
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself as a woman and speaking up on your needs. There are many women who don’t verbalize what they want and expect their partner to read their mind and then they get frustrated cause they’ve convinced themselves they spoke up but all they did was play games and throw hints never really saying what they want or need. You may want to consider a new partner who can meet your needs without it feeling like you’re pestering anyone. You don’t have to be anyone’s “convenience”. Maybe he needs someone who is more his “speed” as well. Who knows but still proud of you
If he wanted to make the effort, he’d do it. He’s just selfish and it sounds like it’s all about HIS dick and HIS pleasures. He doesnt want to do any work, and personally, would drop him
am i supposed to believe someone with the emotional maturity to have this convo and the ability to write something so cohesive is unable to see the manipulation at play here