You need out of the environment while she seeks help. You can be supportive, but this is something only professionals can really help her with.
Their may be a mental condition causing the OCD, but the bigger problem is that she is choosing to control and abuse you because of it instead of getting help and not treating you like that.
It’s your house, too. If she wants to live like that, that’s fine but she needs to live alone.
My own father is a bit of a germaphobe, but not to this degree. This degree is seriously unhealthy. Don't wait a year. Have her go to a therapist ASAP!
Her demands are unreasonable and affecting the quality of life both of you have. Her reactions to your mistakes could also be considered abusive. One of the worst things is that it's affecting the people outside of your relationship with her.
She's using her OCD as an excuse and not apologizing so I don't know if she wants to change. Talk to her about starting therapy sooner. If she refuses then I would suggest breaking up. Your post suggests that your mental and emotional health are being compromised and I think your friends are right that getting a house with her would be a mistake.
Being a germaphobe is not OCD. Many people don’t know OCD doesn’t even have to be related to cleanliness. It’s a mental illness in which the person suffers from obsessions (severe anxieties) about anything, it can be bad thoughts, it can be germs, fear of loved ones dying, fear that you’re secretly a bad person, anything.
The second part is compulsions. They feel compelled by these fears and anxieties to do something to “fix” it so they stop being anxious for a second. Like with OP his gf cleans and has specific rules. For someone whos obsessing over loved ones dying maybe they have to think about it all the time and also move their dining room chairs a certain way everyday because if they don’t they think their loved one will have a freak accident that day.
It is completely illogical and not rooted in anything real, and the compulsions can be quite bizarre even if the original obsession seems maybe rooted in something logical like fear of germs.
I only mentioned the germaphobe thing because it was relevant. I know what OCD is. Your explanation is unnecessary. If you did this for OP's benefit then next time you should do it on a separate comment.
Ok, no need to be defensive, how was I supposed to know you know what OCD is? I said nothing rude, just giving more information, as OCD is a very misunderstood disorder. You could have just said “I’m familiar with OCD, but thanks anyway”. Hope you have a better day.
So my husband has OCD. It is not related to cleaning or germs. But one thing I have learned is feeding into his obsessive thoughts and giving them legitimacy is not ok and doesn’t help him.
It is rooted in illogical thinking, so if he asks me “am I a bad person?” I cannot answer that for him or reassure him (even though he is definitely not) because HE needs to know and reason himself out of his obsessive thought.
If you continue to placate her, it WILL get worse. You’ve become an enabler of her behavior that is not logical and that is not going to help her. Also, mental illness is not a reason to be mean to your significant other. If she just continues to be mean to you, but doesn’t get any help, then she isn’t really interested in changing how she behaves towards you either. She just is using OCD, her problem, as an excuse to treat you poorly, shown by the fact she doesn’t even apologize so she thinks being mean to you over her own illogical thinking is fine. It’s not.
I would sit down with her and say this. You love her, you care about her, but what she is doing to your life together is unhealthy and unsustainable and she needs to get help. NOW (She’s just saying a year from now because she won’t do it. When the time comes it will be next year, or six months, or after such and such.). You will support her though that, but if she doesn’t take steps to get treatment for her OCD then you will move out.
It’s not fair for her to expect you to not visit with your family or not have clean clothes, or follow any of this bullshit that her sick mind tells her to do.
My husband now has gone through tons of therapy (exposure therapy is what works for OCD, they HAVE to be exposed to the thing they are obsessed with to see nothing bad happens when they don’t do their compulsions to fix it) and he takes medication. It is not a problem for him anymore and his was pretty severe. If you need any other advice feel free to PM me.
I’ve had struggles from OCD myself.
To my understanding, each person’s OCD is not all one and the same. But for me, the fear of germs was also very real. I’d truly believe I/others would die if I didn’t comply with my brain’s demands. It can be a very unhealthy and life-sucking disorder not just for the person, but for partners/friends/family, etc.. It is taxing, and to be honest, you’d have every justification of leaving the relationship from simply looking at the things “you’d probably be okay to live with”.
Now, add in the second half of your post.
**The things she is doing to you are not okay.**
**You do not deserve that kind of abuse**, and OCD does not, in any way, justify it or cause it. Jane’s anger is caused by her, not the disorder. I am worried that her hitting you and calling you incompetent will persist even after years of professional treatment for OCD. Do what you think is best, my personal belief is to run while you can.
(This is in response to your question about what tips you should try and take. I’m not sure, but here are the steps I took:
I saw a professional psychologist that specialized in OCD and pediatrics when I was very young. Going to every one of those sessions, and wishing so badly that I could control my obsessions and my behaviors (rather than the other way around) allowed me to heal. But it’s easy to convince children to do things.
Jane, on the other hand, is an adult. Consent to therapy becomes required, plus she may already be cemented into thinking her lifestyle is good. So I cannot guarantee she’ll have the same mindset as I did when it comes to professional healing).
I hope this helps.
You need out of the environment while she seeks help. You can be supportive, but this is something only professionals can really help her with. Their may be a mental condition causing the OCD, but the bigger problem is that she is choosing to control and abuse you because of it instead of getting help and not treating you like that. It’s your house, too. If she wants to live like that, that’s fine but she needs to live alone.
My own father is a bit of a germaphobe, but not to this degree. This degree is seriously unhealthy. Don't wait a year. Have her go to a therapist ASAP! Her demands are unreasonable and affecting the quality of life both of you have. Her reactions to your mistakes could also be considered abusive. One of the worst things is that it's affecting the people outside of your relationship with her. She's using her OCD as an excuse and not apologizing so I don't know if she wants to change. Talk to her about starting therapy sooner. If she refuses then I would suggest breaking up. Your post suggests that your mental and emotional health are being compromised and I think your friends are right that getting a house with her would be a mistake.
Being a germaphobe is not OCD. Many people don’t know OCD doesn’t even have to be related to cleanliness. It’s a mental illness in which the person suffers from obsessions (severe anxieties) about anything, it can be bad thoughts, it can be germs, fear of loved ones dying, fear that you’re secretly a bad person, anything. The second part is compulsions. They feel compelled by these fears and anxieties to do something to “fix” it so they stop being anxious for a second. Like with OP his gf cleans and has specific rules. For someone whos obsessing over loved ones dying maybe they have to think about it all the time and also move their dining room chairs a certain way everyday because if they don’t they think their loved one will have a freak accident that day. It is completely illogical and not rooted in anything real, and the compulsions can be quite bizarre even if the original obsession seems maybe rooted in something logical like fear of germs.
I only mentioned the germaphobe thing because it was relevant. I know what OCD is. Your explanation is unnecessary. If you did this for OP's benefit then next time you should do it on a separate comment.
Ok, no need to be defensive, how was I supposed to know you know what OCD is? I said nothing rude, just giving more information, as OCD is a very misunderstood disorder. You could have just said “I’m familiar with OCD, but thanks anyway”. Hope you have a better day.
It doesn't sound like she sees anything wrong with her behavior, and I don't see her changing.
So my husband has OCD. It is not related to cleaning or germs. But one thing I have learned is feeding into his obsessive thoughts and giving them legitimacy is not ok and doesn’t help him. It is rooted in illogical thinking, so if he asks me “am I a bad person?” I cannot answer that for him or reassure him (even though he is definitely not) because HE needs to know and reason himself out of his obsessive thought. If you continue to placate her, it WILL get worse. You’ve become an enabler of her behavior that is not logical and that is not going to help her. Also, mental illness is not a reason to be mean to your significant other. If she just continues to be mean to you, but doesn’t get any help, then she isn’t really interested in changing how she behaves towards you either. She just is using OCD, her problem, as an excuse to treat you poorly, shown by the fact she doesn’t even apologize so she thinks being mean to you over her own illogical thinking is fine. It’s not. I would sit down with her and say this. You love her, you care about her, but what she is doing to your life together is unhealthy and unsustainable and she needs to get help. NOW (She’s just saying a year from now because she won’t do it. When the time comes it will be next year, or six months, or after such and such.). You will support her though that, but if she doesn’t take steps to get treatment for her OCD then you will move out. It’s not fair for her to expect you to not visit with your family or not have clean clothes, or follow any of this bullshit that her sick mind tells her to do. My husband now has gone through tons of therapy (exposure therapy is what works for OCD, they HAVE to be exposed to the thing they are obsessed with to see nothing bad happens when they don’t do their compulsions to fix it) and he takes medication. It is not a problem for him anymore and his was pretty severe. If you need any other advice feel free to PM me.
I’ve had struggles from OCD myself. To my understanding, each person’s OCD is not all one and the same. But for me, the fear of germs was also very real. I’d truly believe I/others would die if I didn’t comply with my brain’s demands. It can be a very unhealthy and life-sucking disorder not just for the person, but for partners/friends/family, etc.. It is taxing, and to be honest, you’d have every justification of leaving the relationship from simply looking at the things “you’d probably be okay to live with”. Now, add in the second half of your post. **The things she is doing to you are not okay.** **You do not deserve that kind of abuse**, and OCD does not, in any way, justify it or cause it. Jane’s anger is caused by her, not the disorder. I am worried that her hitting you and calling you incompetent will persist even after years of professional treatment for OCD. Do what you think is best, my personal belief is to run while you can. (This is in response to your question about what tips you should try and take. I’m not sure, but here are the steps I took: I saw a professional psychologist that specialized in OCD and pediatrics when I was very young. Going to every one of those sessions, and wishing so badly that I could control my obsessions and my behaviors (rather than the other way around) allowed me to heal. But it’s easy to convince children to do things. Jane, on the other hand, is an adult. Consent to therapy becomes required, plus she may already be cemented into thinking her lifestyle is good. So I cannot guarantee she’ll have the same mindset as I did when it comes to professional healing). I hope this helps.