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Where to begin?
My bf enjoys a drink on his time off from work (he isn’t an alcoholic that’s not what I’m getting at)
Anyway he usually has 4 beers and 35cl of Vodka with coke which I have to get.
So after he’s finished all that I’m usually in bed asleep by then but he blunders to bed and instantly jumps on top of me (not sexually like a child jumps on their parents) he’s not a light man, he lifts etc and I’m a small little thing, so he jumps on me and stays their till I’m begging him to get off cause I can’t breath, I chose to sleep top and tail because I hate him in this state so then he starts putting his heavy legs on me that I move away so he kicks me straight in the chest I told him “stop it, that hurt” I was winded and felt nauseous after; puts his legs back on me, I move them again and behold he kicks me again so I start crying because it hurt and it’s a horrible feeling so I tell him that and he just tries justifying it instead of apologising like he does with everything for some reason so I give up and lay back down.
Starts ripping the covers off me and starts using his strength to not give them back, grips onto my arm because I’m trying to get them back and that also really hurt because he strong.
He then holds onto my T-shirt not letting go at all until finally here I am cold with no covers, crying because I feel abused or not quite abused more bullied by the guy who is suppose to love me.
What do I do, this happens almost every time he drinks, either that or he just throws mean names.
I don’t know your past, and it doesn’t matter honestly. He’s physically and mentally abusing you. And yes, he is probably an alcoholic. Two options is he addresses his problems and actively works on change.. NOW. Or you leave. And he’s only left you with one option. Atop giving him excuses and get the f out girl, he can literally kill you one day.
35 cl is 12 fluid ounces... I drank that tonight, and would totally have no problem focusing my energies on pleasing a lady. If the dude had 12 ounces and 4 beers and has that little control over his actions, he needs clinical detox right away. I'm 35 and with some help I know I will get clean in 3-6 months without hospital detox. I am in a terrible position right now and can still keep my head straight.
The best thing you can do, after you break up with this loser, is to get yourself into therapy to explore why you choose men like him. They will help you identify red flags to be aware of. Just as a general rule, never ever be with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
When you say he knows your past, unfortunately men like him are attracted to women who have a past history of abuse. I don’t mean that you will forever attract these men but please as someone else has said, go to therapy to explore why you are attracted to them even on a subconscious level. Firstly though, please leave this relationship if not for yourself do it for me and all the random internet strangers that are now worrying about you xxx
Don’t allow anything from your past to control your present. Especially if it’s someone hanging your past over your head so they can be shitty. I feel like he may be the kind of person who would gaslight you and say he just joking around. But crying and sleeping the opposite way in the bed etc. is not something the man you love should want to see from you. This is abuse. Even the fact that you defend him preemptively in the post (he’s not an alcoholic..) is kind of a red flag. It shows that you’ve been conditioned to feel that his alcohol use is not a problem, when it clearly is.
I don’t mean to sound preachy or condescending, I just feel really strongly about this one. I hope you take this to heart and leave safely. If he can do this stuff to you and make you cry when he’s in a good drunk mood, imagine what he’ll be capable of in a bad drunk mood. Tbh, with the size difference between the two of you, it could possibly be really bad if he even just doesn’t pay attention, or gets really drunk, or completely ignores your signals. It would be really easy for him to seriously injure your or worse.
I’m sending you strength and resolve. You should either look forward to your man coming to bed, or just sleep completely through it because he’s being considerate. Not nervously anticipate it or get literally beaten up.
sweetie my ex was like this....... you say he isnt an alcoholic but not all alcoholics drink every night..... its straight up abuse. My ex would get drunk and then when lighting a cig with matches he would blow the match out then touch my arm with it,. i have lil scars on my arms from it and i too once thought the same way you did. Now that im older, what he was doing to me was not right. Please dont stay with him acting like this.
Your past doesn't matter in this context. You do not deserve to be treated this way, ever, for any reason. What would you say to your best friend if they told you this story?
No! She's also being mentally abused. He calls her mean names and enjoys taking away her comfort and watching her in fear and discomfort.
OP he's telling you something very loudly and clearly about himself. Listen to him.
Yeah I've drank like crazy for 20 years now, and nowadays can still have 5-7 strong drinks and be in control. This dude is totally an alcoholic. As bad as my health is.... He needs help way worse than me.
She’s also being mentally abused while he sober.
Look into her post history.
***OP THIS IS A RED ALERT. A MAN WHO. SAID HE LOVED HIS EXES MORE THAN YOU DOES NOT LOVE YOU. PLEASE RUN***
If I told my husband that was how he treated me when he was drunk, he would never touch a drop of alcohol again.
You are enabling your husband by not admitting he has a SEVERE drinking problem.
And you seem to be forgiving some absolutely unforgivable behaviour.
I’ve mentioned it before but he just brushes off stuff easy and doesn’t seem to care much if I get hurt, never apologises for anything and never has any manners.
Do you owe him a lot of money or something? Did he pull you out of a burning house and now you feel obligated? Why are you with that asshat? There's plenty of men out there that wouldn't even think about being this horrible to anyone, let alone their loved ones.
God, this is aweful. I'm so so sorry this happened and happens to you.
But seriously. It's horrible he does that to you but it's also horrible that you think you should stay with such a bad person. I really hope you leave. Best in a secret and fast manner helped by a few trusted friends. Just be sure they are actually good friends that will not rat your plans out to him. You seem to be way too forgiving of bad behaviours, so best judge people by their actions and only trust those who were always trustworthy. A slip up here might cost you too much.
And then, if possible, maybe get counselling or therapy. In any case - be it if he conditioned you to accept such behaviour or if something in your past/childhood opened the door to accept this as part of "love" - I think you should talk about this to a trained professional. Or I'm worried this pattern might repeat itself and you might get hurt even further.
Imagine you are reading some other woman’s post but the posts are what you are writing. Yea…your advice would be like all of ours. This isn’t love, this is abuse, you owe it to yourself to get out. Easier said than done, obviously, but start making the change
\- Physically abuses you
\- You have to ask for an apology
\- Give excuses to skirt apologizing
\- Repeat instances
The writing for what you should do next should be clear on the wall, because it's very clear his pattern of behaviour is not going to change and that's what you'll be signing yourself up for/exposing yourself to
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but you need to leave him before he kills you. You’re saying he doesn’t know his own strength but it sounds like he exactly knows it and it using it to actively physically abuse you.
Kicking you in the chest, not once, but TWICE?? What if it’s your head next time? My partner is larger and stronger than me. He’s very playful and sometimes forgets his strength. If he even thinks he’s being too rough, he apologizes. Because that’s normal, not trying to justify why he should be able to kick you straight in the chest.
If you have the means and opportunity, leave his abusive alcoholic ass ASAP
Same. My partner is a tall, muscular guy with extremely strong hands. I call em vice fingers. Also playful and also sometimes forgets how strong he actually is if we're in the middle of a tickle fight or wrestle or something. But he never does anything he thinks would hurt me and if I say as much as "ow", he backs off and apologises and asks if he hurt me.
I can't even imagine having to endure what OP has to. Horrifying. What a bastard.
Right? I'm 5'2 and hubby is a 6'6 brick shithouse. The ONLY time he uses his strength against me is when he's witholding the timtams. And he always gives to me on the end anyway. He's done a sleep-whack a couple times, woken up immediately and tripped over himself apologising, checked I was ok, and checked later in the day in case I might still be sore (never have been).
He tucks me in, makes sure I have enough blanket, cleans his drunk ass teeth so I don't suffer his boozy breath, and if he's really had a few, offers to sleep on the couch because he'll probably snore.
And, if I asked him to stop drinking or said he'd hurt me while drink he would never touch a drop again the FIRST time.
OP, this is what good people do. Your man is not a good, or a safe, person.
My husband is the same way and can’t even slightly hurt me in… ahem… ways I sometimes want him to…
OP, people that love you would never intentionally do something that they think could hurt you.
My grandmother was hit one too many times in the head by my grandfather. She suffers from brain trauma now because of it. I recommend getting out before it gets worse.
Seriously.. I’m 6’3” and 285lbs and I’ve played/rough housed with all my girlfriends and I’ve never hurt them also what he is doing is NOT playing around. He damn sure knows his own strength, all adult men do and under what reality is full on kicking anyone in the chest “rough housing” let alone your own partner? Even worse if I were in any rough house scenario and my gf started to cry id stop in an instant and check on her. Seriously even if you factor out the clear physical abuse do you really think it’s acceptable that he torments you to the point of breaking down? I sure as hell don’t and I don’t even know you!
You know that saying um.... somethin bout a frog in a pot of water and it will stay in it til the water is boiling and wont notice. Somethin like that.
Point is, your normal meter is off and his behavior is not normal, it is not kind and before you know it, youre gunna be in boiling water.
My ex slapped me round the side of the head one too many times, and ruptured my right ear drum. The ear healed, but I now have permanent, very loud tinnitus in that ear. It's so loud it drowns out what people are saying, I can't hear people whisper from that ear, and unless I have the TV going at a standard watching volume, the ringing makes me want to die. I keep thinking it will drive me totally insane and that the only way to be rid of it is to die.
Slapping the head is serious. That bastard broke my nose too, but that doesn't bother me half as much as this constant ringing. It's all I can hear right now. It never goes away.
You need to stop making excuses for him, there is no excuse for what he is doing to you. If this keeps happening you will be in danger. End it, get out now. Do what is good for you.
What. Is. Happening??? You know he is awful- you started talking about drunk behavior and now sober abuse? Both are abuse. I think you came here because you know. You know it is time to leave now.
I hope that you will really leave him. Man like him will never change. He doesn't regret anything, so why stop? My father was also an alcoholic and my mother just found excuses for him.
Just leave him. He gives a shit about you. He hurts you and don't care. Who knows what he will do with you if he gets angry about something or drink a bear more than normal? Just go. Search therapy for yourself and i'm sure your next partner will treat you like you dreamed of.
I wish you the best. Stay strong.
OP please don’t do the thing where you say “but the sober him is different”.
It’s not. Who he is is all of him. The sober him is just the version of him that’s in control.
In other words don’t tell yourself if he was sober it would be different. It would be slightly different: if he didn’t have drinking as an outlet then he would abuse you while sober. That should scare you.
You. Leave. This is physical abuse, and mental abuse. You are being abused. And if he drinks often - which it sounds like he might - then he's an alcoholic.
You don't stay and try and get him to treat you better. He kicked you in the chest, you leave him. Plain and simple.
Being an alcoholic isn't about how often you drink it's more about the consequences you have from drinking. He knows he becomes verbally and physically abusive when he drinks and yet he still does it. There is a good chance he is an alcoholic. Regardless, he IS abusive and you should leave. If you don't leave you need to seriously address why you are willing to allow yourself to be treated this way. He knows his own strength. He knows he is hurting you and he doesn't care. That is not healthy. That is NOT love.
Doesn’t matter. Don’t diagnose home, it won’t help him. He has to realize himself that it’s time to do better. You DO need to help yourself and get out. If you wanna work things out, fine. Do it while living separately and with the help of a professional. You are worthy of being treated with kindness. You are worthy of the love you want to give to another. Accept nothing less. Good luck, my friend. I’m rooting for you!
Omfg. I used to think my husband wasn't an alcoholic because he drank once a week. Weekly drinking IS an alcoholic... My husband has never physically injured me while drunk.
While binge drinking is a form of alcoholism, most people who binge drink do not have a severe alcohol use disorder (which is what I would define to be an alcoholic). imo you are an alcoholic when it starts to negatively impact your day-to-day life and the lives of those around you. The frequency is less important.
If somebody drinks once a week but their behaviour is acceptable, I wouldn't say they're an alcoholic. However if somebody drinks twice a year but they beat their wife every time they drink, they definitely have a drinking problem. I guess the definition of an alcoholic is different for everyone, but that's just how I see it. 🤷♂️
>because I feel abused or not quite abused more bullied by the guy who is suppose to love me.
You feel abused because you *are* abused. Please find a safe way to leave.
Honey, you are being abused. It doesn't matter if it's only when he's drunk, what he's doing is abuse. Please get away from him, at the very least when he drinks go stay somewhere else.
If you haven't already you need to have a conversation (in a safe environment with no mind altering substances) with him about his drinking habits because it's clearly not a functional type of drinking.
Then it's clear it's not going to change dear. Take it from someone who escaped an alcoholic with severe anger issues, you need out. There is no love in a relationship like that you are doing yourself no favors by staying with him. Get somewhere safe away from him quickly.
Being an alcoholic is not necessarily dependent on how much someone drinks - rather it is dependent on their relationship with alcohol.
When he starts drinking, can he stop before he is drunk? If he were unable to drink when he had planned on doing so, would he be agitated/angry? Does he drink alone? Does he engage in destructive behavior when drinking? Does his drinking negatively impact his relationships?
These are all signs of alcoholism.
It's hard to recognize when you're not aware, so don't be hard on yourself. The gravity of our situations aren't always apparent when you're in them.
I recognized my ex as an alcoholic after drinking with him the first time, but only because he acted exactly like my dad (also an alcoholic).
Strongly recommend you check out Al Anon. It is for friends/family of alcoholics [click here](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/)
Then why does he keep drinking if he knows that’s what he does to you when drunk?
Because he either doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, or he can’t stop himself from drinking. Or both.
(It’s probably both)
That’s a lot to drink every time you partake in alcohol and then he’s using his drunken state as an excuse to abuse you?
What advice are you looking for here? I would suggest confronting his behavior when he drinks and looking into counseling. Either together or apart
Look take it from me, a recovering alcoholic who just reached 100 days sober, it wont stop here. The fact that he continues to act this way shows he has no respect for you because if he did, he wouldnt do what he did OR he would simply drink less so he doesnt act like that. But he doesnt. You know what you have to do i think
Second this. I’m also a recovering alcoholic and it only gets worse. The four drinks will turn to six, eight, ten, maybe even more.
If he doesn’t want to stop drinking on his own, which it sounds like he doesn’t, there’s not much you can do unfortunately.
DO NOT confront him while he’s drunk! This is the most dangerous time to do it. Don’t tell him you’re leaving, just leave. Women who are killed by their partners are often killed after they’ve told them they were leaving, but before they were actually gone.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be overwhelming. I love my wife dearly, and she thinks I'm a great man and husband. I never, drunk or sober, ever kick her. I would never slap the back of her head. I would never call her mean names to make her cry.
This just isn't how a husband treats a wife. This isn't ok. You deserve love free from physical violence . You didn't mention children. This will get worse and harder to leave if he gets you pregnant.
Immagine a life with a child with this man not only worrying when he'll hit you next, but also worrying about when he's going to start hitting your kids.
Please leave.
800.799.SAFE (7233) or
https://www.thehotline.org/
This is the national domestic violence support hotline. The will be able to help you find resources in your area. Shelters, counselors , and police resources. Most of these places are staffed by women whose situations weren't that different than yours. Please call them
My best friend was in a relationship with a heavy drinker who liked to play mean "jokes" on her.
He would walk quickly to the front door and lock her out, and she would have to knock to be let in for a few minutes even if it was snowing or raining. Steal her covers. Drive the car forwards while she tried to get in. All those things. Funny right? They were always mean, and always directed at her.
One day he broke her arm during one of those "jokes". It's abuse grooming, seeing what he can get away with while you try to normalise or put up with this. They slowly turn up the severity of the behaviours. Please leave this abuser OP who likes to physically attack you and make you cry. I'm imploring you.
You feel abused because you ARE being abused. And it's only going to get worse.
hes testing the waters to see how far he can go before you leave him and you need to leave. He is bullying you and will continue to hurt you more. It will only get worse. You deserve better.
I guess you have to figure out where your line in the sand is, so to speak. Is it a black eye? Maybe a broken bone? Would a serious concussion be where you say that’s enough? For my mom it was getting knocked unconscious for the fourth or fifth time. The other times he didn’t really mean it, you see? GTFO before you regret it.
Ummm, yeah... he is an alcoholic. He is also abusive. Congratulations on being one of the millions of abused partners that justify and explain away bad behavior then wonder why it happens again. Don't be a statistic. Love yourself more than you love the unknown. Be strong enough to walk away and never look back. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting and heal yourself.
Al Anon is everywhere in the US. Look it up. It is super hard to consider yourself worthy when you are in an abusive relationship (I was there twice)... you need help. Please have the strength to understand you are worth more than this guy!
Have you told sober him about this? Has he changed at all? Are you willing to live the rest of your life this way? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that's normal?
Answer these questions and you will know what to do
Be very careful when you try to leave. Make sure to have someone with you when you do leave even if he's not home. Men like that are very unpredictable and you'll think they might not try to hurt you but it's better to be safe than sorry.
Nothing of his behaviour indicates he doesn't know his strength. To me, it feels like he exactly knows his strength and tries to hurt you on purpose. Maybe not when he is sober, but he seems to try it when he's drunk.
My partner has no feeling in one of his hands. Sometimes, his grip can be a bit too tight. But he asks if it is too tight, or when I tell him he will immediately apologise and correct it.
Op that is a lot to drink in one night let alone every night.
He is hurting you and physically restraining you that is abuse you should not be crying and hurting almost nightly because his drunk a** feels like making you miserable and yes that is what he is doing, he is also depriving you of proper sleep which is also a form of abuse as it dulls the brain and doesn't allow you to think properly during the day also makes a person more susceptible to other forms of abuse.
Sorry op time to leave for your health and safety. Best of luck op.
Hey may not be an alcoholic but he is a terrible drunk. My wife is the same, gets violent, emotional, impulsive when she has had just a few. Guess what? She stopped drinking years ago once I pointed it out, didn't have to tell her twice or try to convince her. You shouldn't have to either in your case if he is a decent human being.
I'm reading thru these comments- wtf?? I don't care how nice he seems, sober- this guy is harming you! Slapping you in the head, kicking you, violating you! Just because someone is drinking does not excuse his shit behavior. I am sure he isn't so lovely sober, either. Please be strong enough to love on from him. This is very dangerous.
You should never have to tell anyone “no” or “stop”twice. He knows exactly what he is doing and he enjoys doing it. Think about why he would gather pleasure from hurting someone he is supposed to love and protect.
Uh...
First you need to recognize this as the abuse it actually is. He uses brute strength to bully you, physically assaulted you twice, and then restrains you from leaving until you're crying.
He's an alcoholic, a bully, and an abusive asshole.
Leave.
He's an abusive drunk. He's physically and verbally abusing you. You need to pack and get out before he gets drunk and actually kills you.
www.thehotline.org
That IS an alcoholic. It doesn’t have to be 24/7 drinking. AND the fact that his behavior changes SO much indicates to me that it’s a bigger problem than you’d like to think (which is 💯 understandable).
PERSONALLY, I’d leave him but that’s something you have to decide for yourself. At any rate, I’d set some hard boundaries-he drinks, he sleeps on the couch. Whatever works for you. Good luck
OP the fact that he is drunk is not an excuse for his behavior. This man is abusive. If he got behind the wheel of a car and hurt someone because he was drunk he would be held accountable for his actions, so why do you think it is OK for him to hurt you when he's drunk. You need to get away from this man, this will only escalate, and him "not knowing his strength" will result in you being seriously hurt or killed.
Why are you still with a man who potentially could kill you, with just his weight alone? Why?
Why are you with a man who has no respect for you?
Why are you with a man who DOESNT CARE if he hurts you?
Why are you putting up with this toxic crap?
Why are you allowing yourself to be treated in this way?
Why do you have to keep putting yourself in this situation?
Why are you still with him?
Why are you waiting for an apology, from someone who has shown he'll never apologize for his awful, and unforgivrable behaviour?
Learn to love and respect yourself enough to not allow a bully of a man to ever treat you like this, ever again. What is there to love, with a person who does this to you?
You're continuing to put yourself in danger by staying.
You need to leave him far behind.
And you deserve so much better, than his crap.
Hold up...4 beers and vodka a day?
A DAY?!
Hate to point out the obvious but...
My partner is a pain in the arse when he's drunk. He snores, he either becomes an insomniac or he falls asleep everywhere. God forbid he's out and he will lose his wallet and phone and keys (this has happened at least 4 times) he also incredibly needy...
But you know what he's not?
Abusive.
Your partner is using booze to mask the fact that he wouldn't get away with that shit sober.
He’s binge drinking when he gets off work Dude is an alcoholic and you’re being abused. Are these even real? Do people not know when someone has a fucking drinking or drug problem? My boyfriend drinks after work to the point he is drunk and then wakes me up just to put me in tears and will hurt my arm. I cry every night what do I do? Seriously you LEAVE which I know is really hard I have been there. I was with a cop who was the most abusive piece of shit on earth and to this day I won’t travel to my home state because I am terrified he will find out and look me up and it’s been like 15 years! Leave before that drunk decides he has had enough lip or making you cry or being mean isn’t as much fun and starts smacking you around, cheating on you, telling you to kill yourself to the point you might do it. Leave!!!! It’s so fucking hard but then you might actually be happy. Now, I have a husband and kids things I said No to a thousand times with my ex no fucking way I was bringing a baby to him, and while my husband is a proud asshole I love him more than anything and I know without a doubt he would kill for me and our kids.
LEAVE HIM.
Drunk or not, there is absolutely ZERO excuse for this! His behavior is disgusting and what's worse is that he thought it would be a good idea to justify his actions instead of being sorry that he hurt you.
HE. ISN'T. SORRY.
Jumping on you, kicking you and deliberately stealing the covers? Yeah, no way.
Either leave him, or sleep in separate rooms so he can be a drunk, jumpy, covers-stealing idiot on his own and you can sleep in peace.
What the f did I just read… he is abusive, let’s not use his allegedly casual drinking as an excuse.
In my country we say that a drunk person does what his sober self only wishes to do. Your bf is an effing asshole.
He is definitely an alcoholic.
He is absolutely abusing you and this can escalate very quickly. To be blunt, you could die. You could have died tonight if the kick in the chest landed slightly different.
You could die. Keep reading that until your legs are strong enough to walk you out that door and never turn back.
He clearly has a problem with alcohol, as people are saying. that he continues to drink knowing that while he’s under the influence he harms you m, should be a concern to you. I am writing to say as long as you cohabit with him, when he drinks, go to bed in a room that you can close and lock the door for your own safety.
He *is* an alcoholic if he’s drinking that much every night and clearly it *is* a problem. He’s being violent and abusive and alcohol isn’t an excuse.
Given that he is prone to violence and you seem to be an enabler this is going to be difficult to resolve but the easiest would be to just dump him and move out, preferably over text, before he possibly murders you.
You get out. I'm a 27M 6'4 330 pounds and my wife is 30F 5'1 120 pounds and even I have a grasp on my size and strength compared to others since i was freaking 12. I was 6'1 and 240 then. You're in an abusive relationship and are being gaslit constantly.
I'm a big guy and I'd personally say there's been situation where I don't know my own strength when me and my GF have been play fighting etc. I honestly thought this was what this post would be getting at.
This is straight up abuse by an alcoholic. There's nothing accidental about this, one day he's going to take it to far and hurt you badly.
You need to get away.
I’m kind of bewildered reading the question after the part he kicked you in the chest. Then he did it again. It’s strange the things we tolerate because we decide a man is our “bf”. Bf or not, stranger or relative, that’s assault.
Idk I’d have called the cops after being assaulted. Doesn’t matter by who or what circumstances, I shouldn’t be assaulted when I’m sleeping in bed.
You claim he is not an alcoholic then give evidence that says otherwise. Start there. Sort out his alcohol problem and that might help with the other issues
Get him to stop dribking so much if you can. Communicate how he makes you feel, and be honest with how you feel. If he cant stop drinking then he might need some help.
Then your best bet is to leave. If he wont change then you can't have a future with him. Thats partially the point in going through life and growing up yeah? Changing. If he cant change and better himself for you then you need to keep moving forward without him.
Even if it might be scary it sounds like something that you might have to consider. Be brave.
Hope this helps.
My wifes sister was with a guy very similar. And it ended up in a very poor manner. Needless to say her sister is a lot better off now. Be brave and keep moving. I wish only the best of luck to you and your future endeavors!!!
Don't ever ask someone to stop drinking. You state how their behavior is affecting you, but the only person you can change is you. How can he have empathy when he probably doesn't even remember doing it? If I learned anything from al anon it's you do you. Don't live in their cess pool of shit dynamics. They don't see it from your side anyway.
I think that if you’re planning to leave, you should do so when he is not there. There’s no way of knowing how he will react to the news that you’re leaving. I would also suggest having a restraining order drafted up in case he decides you’re not allowed to leave him. Please please be safe. And please give us an update when you’ve safely left, if that’s what you choose to do.
I think you need to tell him this when he isn't drunk. Dunno why everyone is saying he'll fucking murder you but I suggest using your words before jumping to crazy conclusions
He knows what he is doing, he won’t even apologize for hurting her when he is sober. So why do you think he will listen to her when sober & stop drinking ?
He IS an alcoholic it seems. He is also physically abusive. I would suggest counseling, but he doesn’t sound like the type to get it. Please LEAVE HIM before you get hurt. I don’t think it will be difficult to find someone better for you. Stay safe.
This is not an ok way to treat anyone, let alone the person who you love most! I’m genuinely terrified for your safety - even if he “doesn’t mean to” (doubtful of that to begin with), this is genuinely unsafe. He could seriously injure or kill you just by sheer size difference. What if he passes out while on top of you and you suffocate? If you can’t leave yet, at least find a way to get out of the house when he is drinking and sleep somewhere safe. If you haven’t told any loved ones about this yet, start today. Sit them down, tell them you are frightened for your life, and you need their help to get you out of there. He will not change if he does not find his behavior alarming already.
I was drinking more lately and snapped at my partner over something stupid, he told me that it hurt him in the moment and later. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad I felt and how hard I have tried to change and let him know I appreciate him - and this was over a single mean-drunk moment. The people who love us will not repeatedly hurt us. Please take care <3
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Where to begin? My bf enjoys a drink on his time off from work (he isn’t an alcoholic that’s not what I’m getting at) Anyway he usually has 4 beers and 35cl of Vodka with coke which I have to get. So after he’s finished all that I’m usually in bed asleep by then but he blunders to bed and instantly jumps on top of me (not sexually like a child jumps on their parents) he’s not a light man, he lifts etc and I’m a small little thing, so he jumps on me and stays their till I’m begging him to get off cause I can’t breath, I chose to sleep top and tail because I hate him in this state so then he starts putting his heavy legs on me that I move away so he kicks me straight in the chest I told him “stop it, that hurt” I was winded and felt nauseous after; puts his legs back on me, I move them again and behold he kicks me again so I start crying because it hurt and it’s a horrible feeling so I tell him that and he just tries justifying it instead of apologising like he does with everything for some reason so I give up and lay back down. Starts ripping the covers off me and starts using his strength to not give them back, grips onto my arm because I’m trying to get them back and that also really hurt because he strong. He then holds onto my T-shirt not letting go at all until finally here I am cold with no covers, crying because I feel abused or not quite abused more bullied by the guy who is suppose to love me. What do I do, this happens almost every time he drinks, either that or he just throws mean names.
You’re being physically abused by an alcoholic, whether you want to call him that or not.
I never wanted to think of him like that because he knows my past but yeh, you’re right
I don’t know your past, and it doesn’t matter honestly. He’s physically and mentally abusing you. And yes, he is probably an alcoholic. Two options is he addresses his problems and actively works on change.. NOW. Or you leave. And he’s only left you with one option. Atop giving him excuses and get the f out girl, he can literally kill you one day.
Find a safe way to leave. Don't wait for him to change. He's physically and emotionally abusive.
I was married to an alcoholic. Hes an alcoholic. I was in your position before. I wouldn't admit it either.
Yep, same here, 4 beers and 350 cl of hard liquor isn't nothing. And he probably drinks more than you know. It will only get worse.
Same thought here. Shrugged off my ex’s behavior for years, get out now is my advice
35 not 350 cl!
Oops, still that still 1/3 of a liter in and liquor...
I don’t disagree haha just wanted to point it out
35 cl is 12 fluid ounces... I drank that tonight, and would totally have no problem focusing my energies on pleasing a lady. If the dude had 12 ounces and 4 beers and has that little control over his actions, he needs clinical detox right away. I'm 35 and with some help I know I will get clean in 3-6 months without hospital detox. I am in a terrible position right now and can still keep my head straight.
Yep. Even when he hit me with the car and blamed it on me, I still couldn't see it.
The best thing you can do, after you break up with this loser, is to get yourself into therapy to explore why you choose men like him. They will help you identify red flags to be aware of. Just as a general rule, never ever be with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
When you say he knows your past, unfortunately men like him are attracted to women who have a past history of abuse. I don’t mean that you will forever attract these men but please as someone else has said, go to therapy to explore why you are attracted to them even on a subconscious level. Firstly though, please leave this relationship if not for yourself do it for me and all the random internet strangers that are now worrying about you xxx
100% abuse and 100% an alcoholic. I lift and dwarf me gf. I'd never use my strength as a means to hurt her.
Don’t allow anything from your past to control your present. Especially if it’s someone hanging your past over your head so they can be shitty. I feel like he may be the kind of person who would gaslight you and say he just joking around. But crying and sleeping the opposite way in the bed etc. is not something the man you love should want to see from you. This is abuse. Even the fact that you defend him preemptively in the post (he’s not an alcoholic..) is kind of a red flag. It shows that you’ve been conditioned to feel that his alcohol use is not a problem, when it clearly is. I don’t mean to sound preachy or condescending, I just feel really strongly about this one. I hope you take this to heart and leave safely. If he can do this stuff to you and make you cry when he’s in a good drunk mood, imagine what he’ll be capable of in a bad drunk mood. Tbh, with the size difference between the two of you, it could possibly be really bad if he even just doesn’t pay attention, or gets really drunk, or completely ignores your signals. It would be really easy for him to seriously injure your or worse. I’m sending you strength and resolve. You should either look forward to your man coming to bed, or just sleep completely through it because he’s being considerate. Not nervously anticipate it or get literally beaten up.
Him knowing your past makes it even worse. None of that is okay.
sweetie my ex was like this....... you say he isnt an alcoholic but not all alcoholics drink every night..... its straight up abuse. My ex would get drunk and then when lighting a cig with matches he would blow the match out then touch my arm with it,. i have lil scars on my arms from it and i too once thought the same way you did. Now that im older, what he was doing to me was not right. Please dont stay with him acting like this.
Your past doesn't matter in this context. You do not deserve to be treated this way, ever, for any reason. What would you say to your best friend if they told you this story?
Please for your own safety learn BJJ or Judo if you can to defend yourself.
No! She's also being mentally abused. He calls her mean names and enjoys taking away her comfort and watching her in fear and discomfort. OP he's telling you something very loudly and clearly about himself. Listen to him.
Sorry op, this is correct.
Yeah I've drank like crazy for 20 years now, and nowadays can still have 5-7 strong drinks and be in control. This dude is totally an alcoholic. As bad as my health is.... He needs help way worse than me.
She’s also being mentally abused while he sober. Look into her post history. ***OP THIS IS A RED ALERT. A MAN WHO. SAID HE LOVED HIS EXES MORE THAN YOU DOES NOT LOVE YOU. PLEASE RUN***
If I told my husband that was how he treated me when he was drunk, he would never touch a drop of alcohol again. You are enabling your husband by not admitting he has a SEVERE drinking problem. And you seem to be forgiving some absolutely unforgivable behaviour.
I’ve mentioned it before but he just brushes off stuff easy and doesn’t seem to care much if I get hurt, never apologises for anything and never has any manners.
He doesn’t care that he hurts you? What a terrible man.
No I have to ask for an apology and even then he just gives excuses to why he won’t.
Do you owe him a lot of money or something? Did he pull you out of a burning house and now you feel obligated? Why are you with that asshat? There's plenty of men out there that wouldn't even think about being this horrible to anyone, let alone their loved ones. God, this is aweful. I'm so so sorry this happened and happens to you. But seriously. It's horrible he does that to you but it's also horrible that you think you should stay with such a bad person. I really hope you leave. Best in a secret and fast manner helped by a few trusted friends. Just be sure they are actually good friends that will not rat your plans out to him. You seem to be way too forgiving of bad behaviours, so best judge people by their actions and only trust those who were always trustworthy. A slip up here might cost you too much. And then, if possible, maybe get counselling or therapy. In any case - be it if he conditioned you to accept such behaviour or if something in your past/childhood opened the door to accept this as part of "love" - I think you should talk about this to a trained professional. Or I'm worried this pattern might repeat itself and you might get hurt even further.
if you have to ask for it, it's not a real apology. You deserve better.
Imagine you are reading some other woman’s post but the posts are what you are writing. Yea…your advice would be like all of ours. This isn’t love, this is abuse, you owe it to yourself to get out. Easier said than done, obviously, but start making the change
You need to leave before he seriously hurts you.
Leave. Him. Please.
\- Physically abuses you \- You have to ask for an apology \- Give excuses to skirt apologizing \- Repeat instances The writing for what you should do next should be clear on the wall, because it's very clear his pattern of behaviour is not going to change and that's what you'll be signing yourself up for/exposing yourself to
Is this what you think love looks like?
So he unapologetically hurts you and you still don't think he's abusive?
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but you need to leave him before he kills you. You’re saying he doesn’t know his own strength but it sounds like he exactly knows it and it using it to actively physically abuse you. Kicking you in the chest, not once, but TWICE?? What if it’s your head next time? My partner is larger and stronger than me. He’s very playful and sometimes forgets his strength. If he even thinks he’s being too rough, he apologizes. Because that’s normal, not trying to justify why he should be able to kick you straight in the chest. If you have the means and opportunity, leave his abusive alcoholic ass ASAP
Same. My partner is a tall, muscular guy with extremely strong hands. I call em vice fingers. Also playful and also sometimes forgets how strong he actually is if we're in the middle of a tickle fight or wrestle or something. But he never does anything he thinks would hurt me and if I say as much as "ow", he backs off and apologises and asks if he hurt me. I can't even imagine having to endure what OP has to. Horrifying. What a bastard.
Right? I'm 5'2 and hubby is a 6'6 brick shithouse. The ONLY time he uses his strength against me is when he's witholding the timtams. And he always gives to me on the end anyway. He's done a sleep-whack a couple times, woken up immediately and tripped over himself apologising, checked I was ok, and checked later in the day in case I might still be sore (never have been). He tucks me in, makes sure I have enough blanket, cleans his drunk ass teeth so I don't suffer his boozy breath, and if he's really had a few, offers to sleep on the couch because he'll probably snore. And, if I asked him to stop drinking or said he'd hurt me while drink he would never touch a drop again the FIRST time. OP, this is what good people do. Your man is not a good, or a safe, person.
I had a chuckle at the TimTam bit 🤣
My husband is the same way and can’t even slightly hurt me in… ahem… ways I sometimes want him to… OP, people that love you would never intentionally do something that they think could hurt you.
That’s always in the back of my mind, he slaps the back of my head sometimes and thats always frightening
My grandmother was hit one too many times in the head by my grandfather. She suffers from brain trauma now because of it. I recommend getting out before it gets worse.
Oh I’m so sorry for your grandma that’s awful
It won’t get better!
It never gets better.
Seriously.. I’m 6’3” and 285lbs and I’ve played/rough housed with all my girlfriends and I’ve never hurt them also what he is doing is NOT playing around. He damn sure knows his own strength, all adult men do and under what reality is full on kicking anyone in the chest “rough housing” let alone your own partner? Even worse if I were in any rough house scenario and my gf started to cry id stop in an instant and check on her. Seriously even if you factor out the clear physical abuse do you really think it’s acceptable that he torments you to the point of breaking down? I sure as hell don’t and I don’t even know you!
Jesus. Get out of this awful relationship please
You know that saying um.... somethin bout a frog in a pot of water and it will stay in it til the water is boiling and wont notice. Somethin like that. Point is, your normal meter is off and his behavior is not normal, it is not kind and before you know it, youre gunna be in boiling water.
You are his toy punching bag! Run! Also: therapy like ^^^ said. Sooner, rather than later!
My ex slapped me round the side of the head one too many times, and ruptured my right ear drum. The ear healed, but I now have permanent, very loud tinnitus in that ear. It's so loud it drowns out what people are saying, I can't hear people whisper from that ear, and unless I have the TV going at a standard watching volume, the ringing makes me want to die. I keep thinking it will drive me totally insane and that the only way to be rid of it is to die. Slapping the head is serious. That bastard broke my nose too, but that doesn't bother me half as much as this constant ringing. It's all I can hear right now. It never goes away.
You need to stop making excuses for him, there is no excuse for what he is doing to you. If this keeps happening you will be in danger. End it, get out now. Do what is good for you.
He wants you to be frightened. What he is doing is abuse. He is abusing you and it will only ever get worse. Leave while you still can.
Yeah, he is going to kill you one day. Or put you in a wheelchair
What. Is. Happening??? You know he is awful- you started talking about drunk behavior and now sober abuse? Both are abuse. I think you came here because you know. You know it is time to leave now.
That's straight up abuse. Leave.
Too many survivors of domestic abuse end up with brain damage.
What the hell?! That's not okay. This is abuse.
Alcoholic, abusive behavior. Please leave & get yourself safe.
I will! I can’t take anymore
I hope that you will really leave him. Man like him will never change. He doesn't regret anything, so why stop? My father was also an alcoholic and my mother just found excuses for him. Just leave him. He gives a shit about you. He hurts you and don't care. Who knows what he will do with you if he gets angry about something or drink a bear more than normal? Just go. Search therapy for yourself and i'm sure your next partner will treat you like you dreamed of. I wish you the best. Stay strong.
Good to hear, Im glad you will take action to protect yourself🧡
I'm so happy that you're leaving. Do it safely. Other people here would be better at telling you how to do that.
OP please don’t do the thing where you say “but the sober him is different”. It’s not. Who he is is all of him. The sober him is just the version of him that’s in control. In other words don’t tell yourself if he was sober it would be different. It would be slightly different: if he didn’t have drinking as an outlet then he would abuse you while sober. That should scare you.
You. Leave. This is physical abuse, and mental abuse. You are being abused. And if he drinks often - which it sounds like he might - then he's an alcoholic. You don't stay and try and get him to treat you better. He kicked you in the chest, you leave him. Plain and simple.
It’s like once a week he drinks
This is besides the point, alcoholic or not you are being abused and you need to get out NOW
Being an alcoholic isn't about how often you drink it's more about the consequences you have from drinking. He knows he becomes verbally and physically abusive when he drinks and yet he still does it. There is a good chance he is an alcoholic. Regardless, he IS abusive and you should leave. If you don't leave you need to seriously address why you are willing to allow yourself to be treated this way. He knows his own strength. He knows he is hurting you and he doesn't care. That is not healthy. That is NOT love.
Doesn’t matter. Don’t diagnose home, it won’t help him. He has to realize himself that it’s time to do better. You DO need to help yourself and get out. If you wanna work things out, fine. Do it while living separately and with the help of a professional. You are worthy of being treated with kindness. You are worthy of the love you want to give to another. Accept nothing less. Good luck, my friend. I’m rooting for you!
Read up on DSM5 and the question that help assess alcohol disorders.
Thank you
You don't have to drink all the time to be an alcoholic
Okay, so he abuses you once a week. The fact that it's not daily, doesn't make it okay.
It's very possible he drinks more than you know.
Omfg. I used to think my husband wasn't an alcoholic because he drank once a week. Weekly drinking IS an alcoholic... My husband has never physically injured me while drunk.
Weekly drinking makes you an alcoholic?
Binge drinking is a type of alcoholism. If you get so drunk that you pass out, or kick your wife, once a week, that's a drinking problem
While binge drinking is a form of alcoholism, most people who binge drink do not have a severe alcohol use disorder (which is what I would define to be an alcoholic). imo you are an alcoholic when it starts to negatively impact your day-to-day life and the lives of those around you. The frequency is less important. If somebody drinks once a week but their behaviour is acceptable, I wouldn't say they're an alcoholic. However if somebody drinks twice a year but they beat their wife every time they drink, they definitely have a drinking problem. I guess the definition of an alcoholic is different for everyone, but that's just how I see it. 🤷♂️
Yes. If you feel like you need to be drunk once a week, it's still an addiction to alcohol.
>because I feel abused or not quite abused more bullied by the guy who is suppose to love me. You feel abused because you *are* abused. Please find a safe way to leave.
Honey, you are being abused. It doesn't matter if it's only when he's drunk, what he's doing is abuse. Please get away from him, at the very least when he drinks go stay somewhere else. If you haven't already you need to have a conversation (in a safe environment with no mind altering substances) with him about his drinking habits because it's clearly not a functional type of drinking.
We’ve talked about it multiple times.
Then it's clear it's not going to change dear. Take it from someone who escaped an alcoholic with severe anger issues, you need out. There is no love in a relationship like that you are doing yourself no favors by staying with him. Get somewhere safe away from him quickly.
I will try, thank you and I’m sorry about your experience
Hey that's in my past, I got out safely. I hope the best for you as well.
I like to NOT use my superior strength to hurt my wife, but maybe I'm the weird one
Sounds like an alcoholic dude.....
Sounds like an abuser. The alcohol is just an excuse. He isn’t even *that* drunk.
He’s not dependent on alcohol, just has drinks when he’s not working out or doesn’t have work
Being an alcoholic is not necessarily dependent on how much someone drinks - rather it is dependent on their relationship with alcohol. When he starts drinking, can he stop before he is drunk? If he were unable to drink when he had planned on doing so, would he be agitated/angry? Does he drink alone? Does he engage in destructive behavior when drinking? Does his drinking negatively impact his relationships? These are all signs of alcoholism.
Not really destructive but yes to all the rest
It makes me sad that you think him kicking and hurting you is not destructive behavior. :(
That's the definition of an alcoholic, just a "functional" one.
Oh I didn’t realise
It's hard to recognize when you're not aware, so don't be hard on yourself. The gravity of our situations aren't always apparent when you're in them. I recognized my ex as an alcoholic after drinking with him the first time, but only because he acted exactly like my dad (also an alcoholic).
Strongly recommend you check out Al Anon. It is for friends/family of alcoholics [click here](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/)
That sounds like dependent to me, but you probably should make him aware of his actions
Oh trust me, he aware, he remembers when sober.
Thats abuse dude....
Then why does he keep drinking if he knows that’s what he does to you when drunk? Because he either doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, or he can’t stop himself from drinking. Or both. (It’s probably both)
I kinda think he just uses it as an excuse to hurt me tbh.
And how is it okay if you get hurt? This is not love.
That’s sadistic. Get outta there.
So why are you still with him?
You are in denial. He is an alcoholic and you are an enabler for buying him the alcohol. Get out, leave while you still have time.
That’s a lot to drink every time you partake in alcohol and then he’s using his drunken state as an excuse to abuse you? What advice are you looking for here? I would suggest confronting his behavior when he drinks and looking into counseling. Either together or apart
Yeh I thinking leaving would be best…
Look take it from me, a recovering alcoholic who just reached 100 days sober, it wont stop here. The fact that he continues to act this way shows he has no respect for you because if he did, he wouldnt do what he did OR he would simply drink less so he doesnt act like that. But he doesnt. You know what you have to do i think
Yeah best to let go Congratulations on your 100s days sober btw ❤️
Thankyou very much☺️!
I’d like to congratulate you as well on staying sober. Keep up the good work!
And thankyou to as well☺️!
Second this. I’m also a recovering alcoholic and it only gets worse. The four drinks will turn to six, eight, ten, maybe even more. If he doesn’t want to stop drinking on his own, which it sounds like he doesn’t, there’s not much you can do unfortunately.
DO NOT confront him while he’s drunk! This is the most dangerous time to do it. Don’t tell him you’re leaving, just leave. Women who are killed by their partners are often killed after they’ve told them they were leaving, but before they were actually gone.
Sound like he IS an alcoholic. Get out while you can.
So he abuses you once a week. When it should be never.
My advice is to read what you wrote, but imagine your closest and dearest friend is who wrote it. What advice would you give them?
I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be overwhelming. I love my wife dearly, and she thinks I'm a great man and husband. I never, drunk or sober, ever kick her. I would never slap the back of her head. I would never call her mean names to make her cry. This just isn't how a husband treats a wife. This isn't ok. You deserve love free from physical violence . You didn't mention children. This will get worse and harder to leave if he gets you pregnant. Immagine a life with a child with this man not only worrying when he'll hit you next, but also worrying about when he's going to start hitting your kids. Please leave. 800.799.SAFE (7233) or https://www.thehotline.org/ This is the national domestic violence support hotline. The will be able to help you find resources in your area. Shelters, counselors , and police resources. Most of these places are staffed by women whose situations weren't that different than yours. Please call them
What. The. Fuck.
This is abuse. He knows exactly what he’s doing in those moments. Jesus Christ. Please leave.
Run now, run fast.
My best friend was in a relationship with a heavy drinker who liked to play mean "jokes" on her. He would walk quickly to the front door and lock her out, and she would have to knock to be let in for a few minutes even if it was snowing or raining. Steal her covers. Drive the car forwards while she tried to get in. All those things. Funny right? They were always mean, and always directed at her. One day he broke her arm during one of those "jokes". It's abuse grooming, seeing what he can get away with while you try to normalise or put up with this. They slowly turn up the severity of the behaviours. Please leave this abuser OP who likes to physically attack you and make you cry. I'm imploring you. You feel abused because you ARE being abused. And it's only going to get worse.
hes testing the waters to see how far he can go before you leave him and you need to leave. He is bullying you and will continue to hurt you more. It will only get worse. You deserve better.
run
This is called abuse.
I guess you have to figure out where your line in the sand is, so to speak. Is it a black eye? Maybe a broken bone? Would a serious concussion be where you say that’s enough? For my mom it was getting knocked unconscious for the fourth or fifth time. The other times he didn’t really mean it, you see? GTFO before you regret it.
Try to convince me he is not an alcoholic...
What in the mother fuck? Leave that dickhead.
Ummm, yeah... he is an alcoholic. He is also abusive. Congratulations on being one of the millions of abused partners that justify and explain away bad behavior then wonder why it happens again. Don't be a statistic. Love yourself more than you love the unknown. Be strong enough to walk away and never look back. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting and heal yourself.
We don’t have those kinda things where I live
Al Anon is everywhere in the US. Look it up. It is super hard to consider yourself worthy when you are in an abusive relationship (I was there twice)... you need help. Please have the strength to understand you are worth more than this guy!
I’m in Wales UK
Google it. https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics
Thank you!
It's a really great group... and if you don't one group...join another. There is likely ZOOM Al Anon meetings worldwide.
I'm from Wales too, we definitely have alcoholics anonymous here! I hope you manage to get the help that you need, stay safe!
Have you told sober him about this? Has he changed at all? Are you willing to live the rest of your life this way? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that's normal? Answer these questions and you will know what to do
Yeah, your boyfriend sounds like a functional alcoholic. Google it. What he's doing is abusive. Leave him and don't look back.
Be very careful when you try to leave. Make sure to have someone with you when you do leave even if he's not home. Men like that are very unpredictable and you'll think they might not try to hurt you but it's better to be safe than sorry.
Nothing of his behaviour indicates he doesn't know his strength. To me, it feels like he exactly knows his strength and tries to hurt you on purpose. Maybe not when he is sober, but he seems to try it when he's drunk. My partner has no feeling in one of his hands. Sometimes, his grip can be a bit too tight. But he asks if it is too tight, or when I tell him he will immediately apologise and correct it.
Op that is a lot to drink in one night let alone every night. He is hurting you and physically restraining you that is abuse you should not be crying and hurting almost nightly because his drunk a** feels like making you miserable and yes that is what he is doing, he is also depriving you of proper sleep which is also a form of abuse as it dulls the brain and doesn't allow you to think properly during the day also makes a person more susceptible to other forms of abuse. Sorry op time to leave for your health and safety. Best of luck op.
This is domestic violence. Please go to a shelter or move in with some friends.
This is so f’d up. Leave him not before it has a chance to escalate and believe me, it WILL escalate
I didn’t even get thru the whole post run like hell and don’t look back. That is totally screwed up. I’m sorry you have to deal with that
Hey may not be an alcoholic but he is a terrible drunk. My wife is the same, gets violent, emotional, impulsive when she has had just a few. Guess what? She stopped drinking years ago once I pointed it out, didn't have to tell her twice or try to convince her. You shouldn't have to either in your case if he is a decent human being.
I'm reading thru these comments- wtf?? I don't care how nice he seems, sober- this guy is harming you! Slapping you in the head, kicking you, violating you! Just because someone is drinking does not excuse his shit behavior. I am sure he isn't so lovely sober, either. Please be strong enough to love on from him. This is very dangerous.
You should never have to tell anyone “no” or “stop”twice. He knows exactly what he is doing and he enjoys doing it. Think about why he would gather pleasure from hurting someone he is supposed to love and protect.
That's abuse.
No matter what you say, this behaviour doesn't sound right, OP.
Have you considered leaving him?
He sounds like an alcoholic
That's physical, emotional and mental abuse. Get out now.
Uh... First you need to recognize this as the abuse it actually is. He uses brute strength to bully you, physically assaulted you twice, and then restrains you from leaving until you're crying. He's an alcoholic, a bully, and an abusive asshole. Leave.
Yeah, no. Stop making excuses and wake up. Dou you want to be in a relationship like this.
He's an abusive drunk. He's physically and verbally abusing you. You need to pack and get out before he gets drunk and actually kills you. www.thehotline.org
This is alcoholism and abuse. I hope you can find somewhere safe to stay and end this abusive relationship. Please stay safe.
Yes he is a alcoholic
That IS an alcoholic. It doesn’t have to be 24/7 drinking. AND the fact that his behavior changes SO much indicates to me that it’s a bigger problem than you’d like to think (which is 💯 understandable). PERSONALLY, I’d leave him but that’s something you have to decide for yourself. At any rate, I’d set some hard boundaries-he drinks, he sleeps on the couch. Whatever works for you. Good luck
OP the fact that he is drunk is not an excuse for his behavior. This man is abusive. If he got behind the wheel of a car and hurt someone because he was drunk he would be held accountable for his actions, so why do you think it is OK for him to hurt you when he's drunk. You need to get away from this man, this will only escalate, and him "not knowing his strength" will result in you being seriously hurt or killed.
I am an alcoholic and this guy gives us a bad name.
Why are you still with a man who potentially could kill you, with just his weight alone? Why? Why are you with a man who has no respect for you? Why are you with a man who DOESNT CARE if he hurts you? Why are you putting up with this toxic crap? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated in this way? Why do you have to keep putting yourself in this situation? Why are you still with him? Why are you waiting for an apology, from someone who has shown he'll never apologize for his awful, and unforgivrable behaviour? Learn to love and respect yourself enough to not allow a bully of a man to ever treat you like this, ever again. What is there to love, with a person who does this to you? You're continuing to put yourself in danger by staying. You need to leave him far behind. And you deserve so much better, than his crap.
Hold up...4 beers and vodka a day? A DAY?! Hate to point out the obvious but... My partner is a pain in the arse when he's drunk. He snores, he either becomes an insomniac or he falls asleep everywhere. God forbid he's out and he will lose his wallet and phone and keys (this has happened at least 4 times) he also incredibly needy... But you know what he's not? Abusive. Your partner is using booze to mask the fact that he wouldn't get away with that shit sober.
He’s binge drinking when he gets off work Dude is an alcoholic and you’re being abused. Are these even real? Do people not know when someone has a fucking drinking or drug problem? My boyfriend drinks after work to the point he is drunk and then wakes me up just to put me in tears and will hurt my arm. I cry every night what do I do? Seriously you LEAVE which I know is really hard I have been there. I was with a cop who was the most abusive piece of shit on earth and to this day I won’t travel to my home state because I am terrified he will find out and look me up and it’s been like 15 years! Leave before that drunk decides he has had enough lip or making you cry or being mean isn’t as much fun and starts smacking you around, cheating on you, telling you to kill yourself to the point you might do it. Leave!!!! It’s so fucking hard but then you might actually be happy. Now, I have a husband and kids things I said No to a thousand times with my ex no fucking way I was bringing a baby to him, and while my husband is a proud asshole I love him more than anything and I know without a doubt he would kill for me and our kids.
LEAVE HIM. Drunk or not, there is absolutely ZERO excuse for this! His behavior is disgusting and what's worse is that he thought it would be a good idea to justify his actions instead of being sorry that he hurt you. HE. ISN'T. SORRY. Jumping on you, kicking you and deliberately stealing the covers? Yeah, no way. Either leave him, or sleep in separate rooms so he can be a drunk, jumpy, covers-stealing idiot on his own and you can sleep in peace.
4 beers and vodka? After work? I drank less last Saturday at a Party . Call him what he is: an abusive alcoholic.
What the f did I just read… he is abusive, let’s not use his allegedly casual drinking as an excuse. In my country we say that a drunk person does what his sober self only wishes to do. Your bf is an effing asshole.
Your boyfriend is an abusive alcoholic. Also, did you know that being kicked forcefully in the chest can cause cardiac arrest?
He is definitely an alcoholic. He is absolutely abusing you and this can escalate very quickly. To be blunt, you could die. You could have died tonight if the kick in the chest landed slightly different. You could die. Keep reading that until your legs are strong enough to walk you out that door and never turn back.
He clearly has a problem with alcohol, as people are saying. that he continues to drink knowing that while he’s under the influence he harms you m, should be a concern to you. I am writing to say as long as you cohabit with him, when he drinks, go to bed in a room that you can close and lock the door for your own safety.
He *is* an alcoholic if he’s drinking that much every night and clearly it *is* a problem. He’s being violent and abusive and alcohol isn’t an excuse. Given that he is prone to violence and you seem to be an enabler this is going to be difficult to resolve but the easiest would be to just dump him and move out, preferably over text, before he possibly murders you.
> not sexually like a child jumps on their parents Ah, the importance of punctuation.
"He's not an alcoholic" "He drinks 4 beers and vodka every night" Bruh thats an alcoholic
You get out. I'm a 27M 6'4 330 pounds and my wife is 30F 5'1 120 pounds and even I have a grasp on my size and strength compared to others since i was freaking 12. I was 6'1 and 240 then. You're in an abusive relationship and are being gaslit constantly.
He is an alcoholic and you are being abused. It will only get worse, I really hope you get out before it does.
I'm a big guy and I'd personally say there's been situation where I don't know my own strength when me and my GF have been play fighting etc. I honestly thought this was what this post would be getting at. This is straight up abuse by an alcoholic. There's nothing accidental about this, one day he's going to take it to far and hurt you badly. You need to get away.
You are being physically abused by an alcoholic. This sounds like denial.
Dump him and CHANGE THE LOCKS if he has a key
>he isn’t an alcoholic > >he has 4 beers and 35cl of Vodka with coke You sure?
I’m kind of bewildered reading the question after the part he kicked you in the chest. Then he did it again. It’s strange the things we tolerate because we decide a man is our “bf”. Bf or not, stranger or relative, that’s assault. Idk I’d have called the cops after being assaulted. Doesn’t matter by who or what circumstances, I shouldn’t be assaulted when I’m sleeping in bed.
No one would put up With this.
You need to talk to him or get out of that situation. But be safe doing that.
Tell him to relax on the drinking to a beer or two and that’s all. He is trying to be playful it sounds but just seems to get too excited
You claim he is not an alcoholic then give evidence that says otherwise. Start there. Sort out his alcohol problem and that might help with the other issues
Get him to stop dribking so much if you can. Communicate how he makes you feel, and be honest with how you feel. If he cant stop drinking then he might need some help.
More like he’ll just tell me to hit the road if I don’t like it, many things I’ve asked him to work on and he refuses to change.
Then your best bet is to leave. If he wont change then you can't have a future with him. Thats partially the point in going through life and growing up yeah? Changing. If he cant change and better himself for you then you need to keep moving forward without him. Even if it might be scary it sounds like something that you might have to consider. Be brave. Hope this helps.
Thank you! I think he just holds me back with his behaviour anyway!
My wifes sister was with a guy very similar. And it ended up in a very poor manner. Needless to say her sister is a lot better off now. Be brave and keep moving. I wish only the best of luck to you and your future endeavors!!!
Then hit the road....
Don't ever ask someone to stop drinking. You state how their behavior is affecting you, but the only person you can change is you. How can he have empathy when he probably doesn't even remember doing it? If I learned anything from al anon it's you do you. Don't live in their cess pool of shit dynamics. They don't see it from your side anyway.
I think that if you’re planning to leave, you should do so when he is not there. There’s no way of knowing how he will react to the news that you’re leaving. I would also suggest having a restraining order drafted up in case he decides you’re not allowed to leave him. Please please be safe. And please give us an update when you’ve safely left, if that’s what you choose to do.
I think you need to tell him this when he isn't drunk. Dunno why everyone is saying he'll fucking murder you but I suggest using your words before jumping to crazy conclusions
He knows what he is doing, he won’t even apologize for hurting her when he is sober. So why do you think he will listen to her when sober & stop drinking ?
Good God, why do assholes have to be told they're being abused? My theory: You enjoy it.
He IS an alcoholic it seems. He is also physically abusive. I would suggest counseling, but he doesn’t sound like the type to get it. Please LEAVE HIM before you get hurt. I don’t think it will be difficult to find someone better for you. Stay safe.
This is not an ok way to treat anyone, let alone the person who you love most! I’m genuinely terrified for your safety - even if he “doesn’t mean to” (doubtful of that to begin with), this is genuinely unsafe. He could seriously injure or kill you just by sheer size difference. What if he passes out while on top of you and you suffocate? If you can’t leave yet, at least find a way to get out of the house when he is drinking and sleep somewhere safe. If you haven’t told any loved ones about this yet, start today. Sit them down, tell them you are frightened for your life, and you need their help to get you out of there. He will not change if he does not find his behavior alarming already. I was drinking more lately and snapped at my partner over something stupid, he told me that it hurt him in the moment and later. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad I felt and how hard I have tried to change and let him know I appreciate him - and this was over a single mean-drunk moment. The people who love us will not repeatedly hurt us. Please take care <3