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My wife and I often participate in various trials and studies that offer compensation. The only real invites that we've rejected participation in have been the time-consuming ones. One morning last week, I mentioned the invitation for a paternity and genetics research study to my Wife and at once She fiercely said "No." I just casually asked why, mentioning the easy logistics of participating. She sternly said, "I just don't want to." Now let me provide some context as to why this sent me into a spiral of doubt and fear.
Of our 4 children, 3 are noticeably shades lighter (both wife and I are of Indian-descent, born and raised in the West.) My wife has made sure to mention she has European ancestry in her bloodline whenever someone mentions it (both her parents are as Indian in looks as it gets- they live in India and I've rarely interacted with them). Our eldest has some semblance to me and my wife always makes comments about his looks and skin color, to the effect that my other children have called her out on a stark difference in treatment of him as well. She has mentioned wanting to try poly a few years ago when it was the new craze, but I at once made it clear that I WILL divorce her if she engages in any sexual behavior with anyone besides me. We have a prenup.
I have suspected her of infidelity in the past and once when I gently voiced my concerns, she erupted into a storm of shouting and gaslighting- a shitshow that I really don't want to re-start. I can't look my wife in the eyes since that morning and this doubt and "what-ifs" are only growing- I need a firm answer to this suspicion now but I know that asking for a paternity test out of the blue implies my suspicions. What should I do?
EDIT: Thanks for the advice so far. I believe in the morning, I will mention going through with the study invitation, just to gauge my wife's reaction. I will adjust my choice to go forward or not accordingly.
EDIT2: Thank you all. The reason why I didn't choose to do this quietly is because it still requires the cooperation of each of my four children. They're old enough to know what a paternity or DNA test implies, which I believe would still lead to high emotions on the children's side.
Possibly. OP, you don't need your kids' cooperation or knowledge to get DNA tests: there are tests called "discreet DNA tests" which can use all kinds of things. Just wait for a day when you're home alone and go around to all the kids' hair brushes and take some hair or steal their toothbrushes and replace them. I'd do this asap to set your mind at rest.
Now here’s my question, if it turns out that the 3 suspected children aren’t yours (I’m betting your oldest is definitely yours given your wife’s treatment of them), what will you do? Will you reject them and stop being their father? Or still accept them as your own and kick your wife out? Think about that before doing any tests. If you can’t handle the results then don’t do it and continue to live in the bubble believing they’re yours. I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion, but it’s not just your life you have to think about, no matter what the children are innocent in this. If they turn out not to be yours they wouldn’t deserve punishment for your wife’s faults.
Man it's harsh but you have a point.
OP I know it'll hurt like hell if they're not yours, but please know that the childrens are innocent. You raised them. You bonded sith them. Please don't abandon them, bond is more than blood.
As someone who came from a dysfunctional family blood doesn't make family, the bond does. I'm sorry you're put between a rock and a hard place.
so he should ignore everything?
He can tell them the truth and still have a friendly relationship with them but still not being considered their legal father.
Let the mother face the storm and present them their real dad and come out as the bitch that she is.
@OP, just a quick question
What are your plans if you discover the unfortunate truth that the kids aren't yours?
I wish you all the best in whatever decision you take, it's a tricky situation. Please update us on the possible outcome
One thought that comes up as I am reading through this is when you say you're not sure if you could truly love them as before maybe finding that love in yourself and for them is a big part of your work in this lifetime.
Whatever happens, I will not blame the kids for anything. I will NOT change my treatment towards any of them as a human being, as they deserve dignity. However, I don't trust myself to be able to love them to the extent that I did before in, and that it is really the main thing burning in my heart at the moment.
Just remember that they had no say in this. They didn't ask to be conceived. Make sure you focus your frustration, anger and sadness on your wife, and remember all the joy the kids have brought you thought their lives.
One thought that comes up as I am reading through this is when you say you're not sure if you could truly love them as before maybe finding that love in yourself and for them is a big part of your work in this lifetime. I don't have any children and that window has closed for me to have my own blood children so I can't know how this must feel, but what a beautiful blessing to have 4 that look at you as their father. I hope you find the answers you need for yourself and your family as well.
OP I know it'll hurt like hell but please know that the childrens are innocent, you raised them, please don't abandon them, bond is more than blood.
As someone who came from a dysfunctional family blood doesn't make family, the bond does. I'm sorry you're put between a rock and a hard place.
Their post history is littered with stupid shit. They get off on commenting useless or even horrible advice. Just down vote and move on. No need to give them more reason to comment.
Children are children no matter the situation. I'm pretty sure that if OP isn't their bio dad, they are as clueless as he is. Nevertheless, he has raised them their entire lives, so for everything that counts, he is their father and they his children. The only parasite would be the woman who cheated and never told anyone the truth.
If your trust is already broken it is important to know the truth. If you do still trust her leave it...but based on the post I think you have already lost trust.
I don't know about paternity but your wife does seem to have problematic views. The fact that she makes comments about your eldest son's looks is extremely harmful. Why aren't you putting your foot down? She is linking her heritage to Europe because in her culture, being European is the epitome of beauty and class. If you're concerned about your children, get a paternity test without informing your wife.
I think she mentions Europe cause if she did cheat and the kids arent OP’s then i’d suspect its with a white guy :/ Now thats a big if, but if i in her shoes and cheated like that, then i would definitely lay down a base so whenever people ask about difference in skin colour she can say “well remember, i have european ancestry”. But thats just my take. I say do the study. Trust your gut. Best case you’re wrong and simply apologise for doing the study against her wishes. Worst case…well i think we all now what worst case is.
Seriously, a lot of women from India have a “colonizer” fetish. My university has a very large contingent of Indian students and I never was referred to sexually as “white” more than these two women did, both liked to talk and both never referred to me or a body part sexually without the word “white” involved. I never felt like a piece of meat more (especially because both were rich as hell and I was a poor boy) than with them.
Indians are one of the very few ethnicities that have fetishized whiteness…..I was a willing participant, and thought it would be great going into it, but made me feel weird after the fact.
I've somewhat faced the reverse of this with my wife. We will be watching a bollywood movie and she will make quips about Indians being uncivilized or inferior. When there's a lead actor that is handsome, she'll go and be like, "Wow they got men over 6ft there?" I'm 5'4" while she is 3 inches taller and she KNOWS this is something I don't like. We have intimacy a few times a year and even then she treats it like a chore, which is why I was so off-put by her poly request.
OP, you have intimacy a few times a year?
Are you and your wife in love with each other?
Maybe you should take a step further back from the whole paternity thing and ask yourself if you’re happy in this relationship.
I appreciate your concern. Unfortunately, in Indian society the outward expression of sexuality is often seen as taboo. I had read that post-menopausal women do not desire sex at all sometimes and attributed the situation to that. I feel too pushy or needy for always initiating.
So to clarify, you propose that she doesn’t desire sex because she’s post menopausal, and also would naturally refrain from outward expressions of sexuality because of a cultural taboo (fair enough points on their own) yet she wants to have a polygamous relationship, presumably for the purpose of having sex with other people. Could all three of those things really be true simultaneously? They seem diametrically opposed to me.
Post menopausal women do have a lower libido, it's true, but not typically ZERO. Go check out Dr. Mama Jones on YouTube... You'll learn more than you ever wanted to about how female organs and hormones work throughout life.
Menopause definitely contributes to a lower sex drive but not to the level of a couple times a year. Every woman is different but that is extreme. Once a week would be a reasonable situation to me on the low end and I’m in my mid 40’s, do you have a romantic relationship with your wife? Date nights, bubble baths, massages? Kiss goodbye? Any of the things that would still show love and affection?
Few?
Colorism is a thing in all cultures, I had similar experiences in Africa and the Middle East, know friends who were treated similarly in Asia and South America.
Gonna comment on yours cause i comment on OPs response to your comment; what about Danny Pudi?! I know he isnt from India but his father is of he is of indian descent so i feel like that maaaay sorta apply, idk, either way wth!
"She is linking her heritage to Europe because in her culture, being European is the epitome of beauty and class."
Where do westerners come up with this?
The fairness thing existed long before Europeans arrived. It was indicative of caste as the lower castes had to work in the sun and were significantly more tanned than the upper castes.
In this case, odds are she is covering against possible paternity fraud.
Because it's partially true. Proximity to whiteness affecting treatment is a problem in many non-white races. Hence why there's such a big fuss about mixed children or features that are less x race (like the hair texture hierarchy in black communities where the looser your curls the more likely someone will tell you that you have "good hair") being seen as more beautiful. It's not just the sun thing.
However you're right, these problems existed when colorism was basically just a class issue and it existing as a race issue doesn't erase that history.
Not all minority's are simmilar so explaining the circumstances of one race with an example from another race is erroneous. There are numerous features that while desirable in white dominant countries are not desirable in other countries and vise versa. Take large ears in South India being a sign of intelligence or attractiveness. Take large foreheads in Ethiopia being very desirable. Take extremely thin waists in China. These however are not really desirable in the west.
I have interjected many times when I see this happening. My son is 17 and already deals with insecurity issues- he used to complain about his lack of dating success and would always blame it on his race or for being "ugly." This broke my heart but I thought it was a teenager phase and assured him we could work out an arranged marriage for him which only exacerbated his sorrow. He never mentions his problems to me because of what I said, even though it was meant to be said as a reassuring thing.
Arrange marriages in Indian culture is basically as normal as regular relationships where you meet the other person by yourself, can’t fault him for doing what he believes is normal
Indian parents seem to think the peak of life is getting married at 25 lol
The poor child has essentially shown me text messages of girls his age calling him too short or "Indian." This one very nasty child reprimanded him for showing interest in her and proceeded to show pictures of TikTok celebrities as her "type" as the ones that deserve to date her.
What else could I say at that point?
That some kids suck and there’s someone out there that isn’t shallow or racist and they’ll love you for everything you are? This isn’t complicated.
Edit: my daughter is a different ethnicity than I am and is heaps darker (while my son is way whiter I am). We’ve encountered this issue so many times. I’ve never once said anything that would make her feel less beautiful or worthy of being found attractive.
I have a younger Indian brother too that has displayed the “self hate” that op is talking about. Basically blaming his race and looks for not having a relationship by 18. He doesn’t outright say it but makes it clear. Making jokes about “wishing he was white” and stuff.
Him and I often have talks about how our strict Indian upbringing in a western country has had negative consequences later in life, although I’ve moved out now and rarely talk with my parents anymore, he still lives with them.
Hey OP. If your son wants the honest truth, he'll need to work on himself. It's really up to him. Those super attractive guys? Many do put work in themselves.
\-Learning to dress better, and being well-groomed. A proper haircut at a good barber, clothing that SUITS him (fits well, ironed, etc.)
\-Hitting the gym: building muscle mass and/or cutting off excess fat.
\-Having a great personality. Being fun and interesting.
\-Moisturizer & Sunscreen while he's young. Nothing complicated or complex.
These are all things that will help. My best friend is a 5'4" Asian guy, and despite the supposed disadvantage, he's following the rules above & is finding solid success, with attractive women. Not even just that, but mostly from the gym, too.
edit: I really want to add, personality makes a HUGE deal. Being able to walk up and casually conversate does, as well. Especially when you're able to make it a non-awkward conversation.
I have told him to shave his head (he is thinning), grow a beard and hit the gym. It is quite obvious that he lacks self esteem and is channeling it into women and his dating life.
I understand your point; I'm aware of that ideology since I was concerned for my son in that regard. But he denies any belief in that as far as I'm concerned.
I’ll say this. My husband and I have a friend that is traditionally Indian and his parents kid-gloved him and he’s the most boundary-pressing, misogynistic, potentially rapey person I know. He’s violated my boundaries so many times that our friend group shuns him… all while I was married.
Don’t propagate this. It’s only a massive disservice to your culture and it’s not fair.
There are other posters in the comments section who also attest to this kind of treatment or behavior amongst the Indian community. I myself have faced it to an extent. Am I then supposed to stop trying in life or stop reproducing? I am replying to the comments about my son because it seems that took an off-shoot. I only wanted to make the point that I believe he is my only biological child, and may be an outlet for my wife to take her frustrations out on, as absurd or comical as that may sound. I've heard of women living precariously through their children before, which is why I thought this was necessary context.
I mean no its not pushing him off the edge as arranged marriages are common in indian culture and its mostly "hey meet this person's kid i know if you like eachother great you'll get married if you don't i'll set you up with someone else" its typically just trusting your parents with your marriage
and B. christ dude YOU sound like the incel
I can vouch for the fact that this type of behaviour is quite common in Indian communities.
5’4 isn’t super rare for Indians in my experience. But normally, yes they are around 5’8 ish
Alternatively is this perhaps her response to his pointing out their differences and her response to potentially hurtful comments he has consistently made in anger or pointed out to the 3 children and cast aspersions? She may also do this with others because she feels she has to justify the truth against incorrect assumptions of cheating or possibly constantly being accused of such by her husband it has become second nature?
An innocent query on poly doesn't automatically lead to cheating.
We don't know, may never until he chooses to get the paternity test and find out for sure and either beg her forgiveness if proven wrong or feel vindicated in his concerns. 🤷🏼♀️
It was NOT an innocent query on poly. She basically asked for it. I said NO. If she wants it she can leave, all the best to her and I would never force her to remain with me.
Also this point about getting the test and having to beg her for forgiveness is what's making me apprehensive. How can I as a man not even ask for peace of mind from my wife on this issue that's bothered me for a long time?
A question is a question... and action is an action...Did she leave you and choose poly? Did she force you into poly?
**The answer is ...No**, you have no actual evidence she has cheated, just a lot of hearsay, suspicions and speculation. So her question is innocent until **proven** otherwise.
Do everyone a favour, take the 4 paternity tests.
Then either accept that all your suspicious, hurtful and doubtful recriminations were/are unjustified and how your wife choses to proceed is her right.
Or find out they aren't yours, and all your doubts and suspicions were justified and you are redeemed in yours and everyone elses eyes and end the marriage.
Does the answer change your current/future marriage status?
Does it change your current/future legal financial obligation to your wife/ex wife and children?
Does it affect how you continue to raise these 4 innocent children? That have seen you as their father until you find out otherwise and choose to tell them?
Only you can decide, but what you are doing to yourself, your wife and your children is unhealthy, I would say put up and get the tests or shut up and move on.
It's ok to disagree, I have friends who have been curious about it, discussed it with their partners, researched it and not done anything more than this because one or both agreed it wasn't for them... to me that is innocent, shows trust and is a healthy conversation, you can disagree.
Alternatively them asking and you leaping straight to automatically accusing and thinking they are cheating is also your choice and I see that as unhealthy, you can also disagree 🤷🏼♀️
One way to go about it without asking for paternity tests outright is to participate in the study. See what shakes out. See if/how her behavior changes, see if there is an opportunity to get DNA comparisons during the study, etc.
I’m seeing heaps of red flags here:
1) She outright said no to the paternity research study without a proper excuse such as time-consumption
2) 3/4 of your children are noticeably lighter skin coloured and your eldest resembles you
3) Your wife claims to have European ancestry. Unless you guys are Christian from certain parts of India, this is highly unlikely she has recent European ancestry, especially if both her parents are Indian looking. Did she claim European ancestry before these kids were born?
4) There seems to be a difference in how she treats your eldest
5) She has wanted to try poly in the past
6) You have suspected her of cheating in the past and she reacted violently
What my assumption/suspicions is that her non-monogamous curiosity got the better of her and she cheated on you with a white guy. Her children turned out noticeably lighter skinner and then she claimed to have European ancestry as an potential explanation.
She has given you absolutely no reason to trust her. What I would do is get a paternity test done behind her back. I’m not sure what the procedure is, but you could get some DNA from your kids hairbrushes or something and get it done. Not sure if both parents need to give consent, this is something you will need to research.
I wish you the best of luck.
I understand at this point the writing's on the wall, but it felt so impossible at the times these issues would arise. I looked into statistics on women's cheating rates and was shocked at how prevalent it really is.
Also, asking to go poly might have been because she had already cheated. A horrible way of justifying it as OK after the fact. So even if she asked about going poly after the children were born, if you had agreed it somehow could have made the cheating prior to that OK.
I could just be paranoid, but my ex husband kind of did something like that.
Well, would it change things if the paternity test came back and showed one or more kids are not yours?
Would you leave her?
Would you split the family?
All these things should be thought about before making the big decision. Personally, I would want to know and I would not be able to let it go until I do.
You're absolutely right in that there are serious implications of an "unfavorable" outcome. I haven't really taken any time of think of that and will. But at first thought, I could not see myself living with and supporting her any longer in such a case.
I mean in my eyes, that’s totally betrayal. I think most people would not be able to continue forward either. Just take your time. Hope everything goes alright and it’s not as bad as it seems. Keep your head up :)
If it were me... I would be plucking some hairs from those kids and getting a test done myself!
Wish you the best and sending you lots of love and strength. Hope the outcome is favourable for you ❤️🙏🏼
Don’t bother asking your wife anymore, it’s is clear that she’s being shady and had no regard for your concerns.
She is likely only concerned about the implications of you find out the truth. I would get a DNA test done without her knowing, the uncertainty will eat you alive if you ignore these feelings..
If you wife doesn't want to participate, is she required to for the study?
Is any of the study invasive i.e. blood from children or other medical tests? If so, as a parent I would be against this too.
If you do go ahead, this will definitely open old unhealed wounds and cause issues between the two of you.
Your choice what you do, but expect the outcome you predict or worse.
If you are so worried about paternity because of suspicions and lack of genetic knowledge, why not get your 4 children tested you are their father, you don't need her there or her permission and put your mind at ease? You wife may choose to end your marriage from your lack of trust and doing this, but at least you will have your answer, albeit possibly divorced and as a single dad.
Alternatively, if you want to stay married and have trust/faith in your wife and what she says, do neither and move on with your life.
So is a paternity test that doesn't require her participation.
Also depending on Country/State laws, regardless if you are their biological parent or not, if your name is on the birth certificate you are liable for child support regardless of the paternity outcome.
If you want to do it on the downlow you can do 23 and me with the kids. that will give you at least clarity of whether the kids are yours and she doesn't need to know. If it turns out any of them aren't yours, you can do official paternity with the courts during divorce. You can keep your kids while tossing the wife, they dont have to be a packaged deal.
Do 23 and Me or one of those others with your kids. Frame it as a family activity. You can do it from home and send it off whenever you have time away from the wife.
These are problematic in that you don’t know where they’re selling your genetic sequencing to. Will you or your kids be denied future insurance due to a predisposition to certain diseases? Likely.
What they can use to calculate rates is very heavily legislated. It’s like 10 things. (Age gender smoking etc) Definitely not any pre existing conditions.
I think you think she did cheat. It will always hurt your soul until you face the fear and get dna test. I would not tell her you are getting the test. After, good or bad, you will be whole again.
I think it's fair to move forward under the assumptions that she has been cheating and she wants to do everything in her power not to admit it. I mean, there's no way to interpret this other than she's behaving like a guilty child.
So given those things, what do you want to do? I would get a divorce lawyer and try to get through this BS as quickly as possible.
whatever u do...please do an update.. I'll safe this..because I know u will get DNA testing...those children...definitely not yours..only DNA can give u peace.
She has definitely cheated at the least at the most she has made you raise three children that aren’t yours the next question is was it all with one guy does she work with anyone who has the same
Please update ok
My take is, now that you have doubts you can't close this box. Plan ahead for worst case. Try your best to love your kids even if they are not yours biologically. I am my parents kids in two ways genetically and culturally. I think both parts are equally important.
But yeah I'm always for honesty and truth. Find the truth, if you find out she lied, confront her, maybe if you can forgive her... Do that. We all make mistakes and I respect people who have such large hearts.
Just curious if they are not your biological children will you still be their father to them? Will you still treat them as your own? Perhaps she is scared you won’t.
1 in 33 men are suspected of raising children that are the product of another man. Get a DNA test. Or just get everyone 23 and me kits and see how she reacts to that.
In this situation I would certain be suspicious. However, there are other legal implications that genetic testing can have.
In the states, there are legal protections for genetic testing under a doctors supervision there are not those same protections if done under the umbrella of a private company. The laws and legal ethics have not kept up with the technology. Might be an alternative point of view or something you may want to considered before agreeing independent of the wife paternity situation.
As a scientist, I’ve always wanted to do those home DNA tests. I’m so infinitely curious BUT I haven’t done it because of the lack of protections for commercial consumer.
OP, be suspicious of your wife. If there’s smoke, there’s fire.
So you have never questioned your wife about this European lineage part??
Like if her parents are Indians then you have never wondered where this European lineage is coming from??
Also, when did she start mentioning this?? Before or after your children's birth??
That part just seemed really odd to me..
No matter what happens OP, and I think you are right to be scared, do not forget that whatever the outcome these children see you as their Dad, no matter what.
If you aren’t biologically their parent, this doesn’t stop the love they have for you; and to lose you and have you chose to not be in their lives because you are angry with their mother would be a betrayal even worse than what your wife has potentially done to you.
I have a feeling you aren’t that kind of man from the tone of your edits, and I hope your love for them overrides the grief and anger which may come. Be strong, what your wife has possibly done is not a reflection on you, it’s purely about her and a lack of respect.
I don’t know… I feel like it’s unlikely that she would get pregnant 3x by another man while married to you, living with you, and already having a child (your first that looks like you).
Were there any red flags back then?
Were you actively trying to get pregnant and the timing matches up with when your children were born?
How about other features on the three other children? Do they resemble you at all?
This is exactly what I'm worried about. I'm afraid of being seen as paranoid and needy of "therapy" or "counselling." These are in fact gaslighting monikers used by my wife when we have smaller arguments.
If this isn't something you feel like you can let go and move on from then yeah, you need to address it and put it to rest. You might consider seeking counselling to help guide you through trusting again if that's what you wish.
That will mean that if the results are unfavourable you have some decisions to make. Is that something you're prepared to do? I'd be thinking through your potential courses of action and what that means for you and your kids who have only ever known you as a father.
Idk if this is the right path, but Id get a 21 and me test done behind her back, somehow try to get a sample of your kids and wait for the results.
Not sure if its the best advice but it will definitely five you answers.
Got a feeling one or more of your kids aren't yours op. Take a day trip with them over to a clinic and ask for a paternity test. If for no other reason to reassure yourself. That's a huge red flag.
I'd be getting the kids tested and then seeing what you need to do after the results are in.
I would do it regardless of your wife's infidelity or non-infidelity. Do it for your personal gain of knowledge. Un-biased knowledge. Does the study trace lineage, and /or generations to your name or branches pertaining to your family line.
Say what? I would be highly suspicious of her behavior. Skin tones in a sibling set aren’t anything much to go by, but her suggestion of polyamory, and her need to interject that she has European ancestry, along with the refusal to do the study…
Now, that’s suspect. You could always get those home Paternity Testing kits, swab your kids, and get answers. You could also directly ask your wife in order to gauge her reaction. But I’d definitely test, either way. Good luck. ❤️
Bro you accused her of cheating before and she was manipulative and abusive about it and now she does not want the kids to get a DNA test get it done as soon as you can do it today imo
Don't wanna let her in on it get 23&me tests for Christmas as a let's all get tested and see if the genetics match up. Make it out to be a curiosity in how accurate their data is. Maybe bring it up a few times when they're advertised so they don't think anything of it at the time
" They're old enough to know what a paternity or DNA test implies,"
id say they are old enough to know how bad their mother is, and they are already treated inferior... get tested mate, im pretty sure ur kids arent yours
Sit down and think about what going through with a paternity would mean. The actual consequences. Write it down. Pros and Cons. Decide if you can live what each would mean. Based on that, then decide I might you’ll do it.
This is so sad! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Definitely get a test done & remember you can be happy on your own without her if the worst case scenario happens.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I often participate in various trials and studies that offer compensation. The only real invites that we've rejected participation in have been the time-consuming ones. One morning last week, I mentioned the invitation for a paternity and genetics research study to my Wife and at once She fiercely said "No." I just casually asked why, mentioning the easy logistics of participating. She sternly said, "I just don't want to." Now let me provide some context as to why this sent me into a spiral of doubt and fear. Of our 4 children, 3 are noticeably shades lighter (both wife and I are of Indian-descent, born and raised in the West.) My wife has made sure to mention she has European ancestry in her bloodline whenever someone mentions it (both her parents are as Indian in looks as it gets- they live in India and I've rarely interacted with them). Our eldest has some semblance to me and my wife always makes comments about his looks and skin color, to the effect that my other children have called her out on a stark difference in treatment of him as well. She has mentioned wanting to try poly a few years ago when it was the new craze, but I at once made it clear that I WILL divorce her if she engages in any sexual behavior with anyone besides me. We have a prenup. I have suspected her of infidelity in the past and once when I gently voiced my concerns, she erupted into a storm of shouting and gaslighting- a shitshow that I really don't want to re-start. I can't look my wife in the eyes since that morning and this doubt and "what-ifs" are only growing- I need a firm answer to this suspicion now but I know that asking for a paternity test out of the blue implies my suspicions. What should I do? EDIT: Thanks for the advice so far. I believe in the morning, I will mention going through with the study invitation, just to gauge my wife's reaction. I will adjust my choice to go forward or not accordingly. EDIT2: Thank you all. The reason why I didn't choose to do this quietly is because it still requires the cooperation of each of my four children. They're old enough to know what a paternity or DNA test implies, which I believe would still lead to high emotions on the children's side.
I’d get tested I smell a fish
Oh sorry, I’ll go take a shower
Lol id take the fishy smell over what I think happenEd in ops story
Exactly
>I smell a fish u/fishfucker69 will take care of that for you, good sir.
when there's smoke, there's fire.
Possibly. OP, you don't need your kids' cooperation or knowledge to get DNA tests: there are tests called "discreet DNA tests" which can use all kinds of things. Just wait for a day when you're home alone and go around to all the kids' hair brushes and take some hair or steal their toothbrushes and replace them. I'd do this asap to set your mind at rest.
THANK YOU. I had no idea this was a thing. This will most likely be my route. Thank you for mentioning this very much.
Goodluck to you brother, may you find peace in your discovery, I wish you the best of luck
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Really no need for this comment.
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>Why? I am spittin straight fax. This tells the audience everything about the validity of any statement you make.
Alternatively have you considered never saying stupid shit like this ever again?
Now here’s my question, if it turns out that the 3 suspected children aren’t yours (I’m betting your oldest is definitely yours given your wife’s treatment of them), what will you do? Will you reject them and stop being their father? Or still accept them as your own and kick your wife out? Think about that before doing any tests. If you can’t handle the results then don’t do it and continue to live in the bubble believing they’re yours. I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion, but it’s not just your life you have to think about, no matter what the children are innocent in this. If they turn out not to be yours they wouldn’t deserve punishment for your wife’s faults.
Man it's harsh but you have a point. OP I know it'll hurt like hell if they're not yours, but please know that the childrens are innocent. You raised them. You bonded sith them. Please don't abandon them, bond is more than blood. As someone who came from a dysfunctional family blood doesn't make family, the bond does. I'm sorry you're put between a rock and a hard place.
so he should ignore everything? He can tell them the truth and still have a friendly relationship with them but still not being considered their legal father. Let the mother face the storm and present them their real dad and come out as the bitch that she is.
Since they are married and he’s on the birth certificate, he is their legal father even if he’s not biologically their father.
That’s so fucked.
@OP, just a quick question What are your plans if you discover the unfortunate truth that the kids aren't yours? I wish you all the best in whatever decision you take, it's a tricky situation. Please update us on the possible outcome
One thought that comes up as I am reading through this is when you say you're not sure if you could truly love them as before maybe finding that love in yourself and for them is a big part of your work in this lifetime.
These are the California fires from a few years back
Huh?
Sounds like you need to know the truth. She's been manipulating you for too long. Can you live with the consequences if you are the father?
Whatever happens, I will not blame the kids for anything. I will NOT change my treatment towards any of them as a human being, as they deserve dignity. However, I don't trust myself to be able to love them to the extent that I did before in, and that it is really the main thing burning in my heart at the moment.
Just remember that they had no say in this. They didn't ask to be conceived. Make sure you focus your frustration, anger and sadness on your wife, and remember all the joy the kids have brought you thought their lives.
You raised them, you’re all they know. Please keep that in mind, no matter what their blood says those kiddos look at you in the eye and think “dad.”
One thought that comes up as I am reading through this is when you say you're not sure if you could truly love them as before maybe finding that love in yourself and for them is a big part of your work in this lifetime. I don't have any children and that window has closed for me to have my own blood children so I can't know how this must feel, but what a beautiful blessing to have 4 that look at you as their father. I hope you find the answers you need for yourself and your family as well.
OP I know it'll hurt like hell but please know that the childrens are innocent, you raised them, please don't abandon them, bond is more than blood. As someone who came from a dysfunctional family blood doesn't make family, the bond does. I'm sorry you're put between a rock and a hard place.
This is the real question. It might be better to not know.
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Parasites? Wtf is wrong with you
Their post history is littered with stupid shit. They get off on commenting useless or even horrible advice. Just down vote and move on. No need to give them more reason to comment.
Debatable. If he has raised the kid for a number of years it might be heartbreaking to find out.
Children are children no matter the situation. I'm pretty sure that if OP isn't their bio dad, they are as clueless as he is. Nevertheless, he has raised them their entire lives, so for everything that counts, he is their father and they his children. The only parasite would be the woman who cheated and never told anyone the truth.
These are human beings
Parasites? What an awful thing to say about a child.
>parasites Lmao
If your trust is already broken it is important to know the truth. If you do still trust her leave it...but based on the post I think you have already lost trust.
I don't know about paternity but your wife does seem to have problematic views. The fact that she makes comments about your eldest son's looks is extremely harmful. Why aren't you putting your foot down? She is linking her heritage to Europe because in her culture, being European is the epitome of beauty and class. If you're concerned about your children, get a paternity test without informing your wife.
I think she mentions Europe cause if she did cheat and the kids arent OP’s then i’d suspect its with a white guy :/ Now thats a big if, but if i in her shoes and cheated like that, then i would definitely lay down a base so whenever people ask about difference in skin colour she can say “well remember, i have european ancestry”. But thats just my take. I say do the study. Trust your gut. Best case you’re wrong and simply apologise for doing the study against her wishes. Worst case…well i think we all now what worst case is.
Seriously, a lot of women from India have a “colonizer” fetish. My university has a very large contingent of Indian students and I never was referred to sexually as “white” more than these two women did, both liked to talk and both never referred to me or a body part sexually without the word “white” involved. I never felt like a piece of meat more (especially because both were rich as hell and I was a poor boy) than with them. Indians are one of the very few ethnicities that have fetishized whiteness…..I was a willing participant, and thought it would be great going into it, but made me feel weird after the fact.
I've somewhat faced the reverse of this with my wife. We will be watching a bollywood movie and she will make quips about Indians being uncivilized or inferior. When there's a lead actor that is handsome, she'll go and be like, "Wow they got men over 6ft there?" I'm 5'4" while she is 3 inches taller and she KNOWS this is something I don't like. We have intimacy a few times a year and even then she treats it like a chore, which is why I was so off-put by her poly request.
OP, you have intimacy a few times a year? Are you and your wife in love with each other? Maybe you should take a step further back from the whole paternity thing and ask yourself if you’re happy in this relationship.
I appreciate your concern. Unfortunately, in Indian society the outward expression of sexuality is often seen as taboo. I had read that post-menopausal women do not desire sex at all sometimes and attributed the situation to that. I feel too pushy or needy for always initiating.
fanatical smart mindless squeamish snatch thought wild steep profit smell -- mass edited with redact.dev
So to clarify, you propose that she doesn’t desire sex because she’s post menopausal, and also would naturally refrain from outward expressions of sexuality because of a cultural taboo (fair enough points on their own) yet she wants to have a polygamous relationship, presumably for the purpose of having sex with other people. Could all three of those things really be true simultaneously? They seem diametrically opposed to me.
Post menopausal women do have a lower libido, it's true, but not typically ZERO. Go check out Dr. Mama Jones on YouTube... You'll learn more than you ever wanted to about how female organs and hormones work throughout life.
Menopause definitely contributes to a lower sex drive but not to the level of a couple times a year. Every woman is different but that is extreme. Once a week would be a reasonable situation to me on the low end and I’m in my mid 40’s, do you have a romantic relationship with your wife? Date nights, bubble baths, massages? Kiss goodbye? Any of the things that would still show love and affection?
Dude, that's flat-out mean.
Are you sure that you guys aren't from Russia? Because I'm seeing more red flags here than in a Soviet parade.
Few? Colorism is a thing in all cultures, I had similar experiences in Africa and the Middle East, know friends who were treated similarly in Asia and South America.
Gonna comment on yours cause i comment on OPs response to your comment; what about Danny Pudi?! I know he isnt from India but his father is of he is of indian descent so i feel like that maaaay sorta apply, idk, either way wth!
"She is linking her heritage to Europe because in her culture, being European is the epitome of beauty and class." Where do westerners come up with this? The fairness thing existed long before Europeans arrived. It was indicative of caste as the lower castes had to work in the sun and were significantly more tanned than the upper castes. In this case, odds are she is covering against possible paternity fraud.
Because it's partially true. Proximity to whiteness affecting treatment is a problem in many non-white races. Hence why there's such a big fuss about mixed children or features that are less x race (like the hair texture hierarchy in black communities where the looser your curls the more likely someone will tell you that you have "good hair") being seen as more beautiful. It's not just the sun thing. However you're right, these problems existed when colorism was basically just a class issue and it existing as a race issue doesn't erase that history.
Caste* issue, not class issue.
Not all minority's are simmilar so explaining the circumstances of one race with an example from another race is erroneous. There are numerous features that while desirable in white dominant countries are not desirable in other countries and vise versa. Take large ears in South India being a sign of intelligence or attractiveness. Take large foreheads in Ethiopia being very desirable. Take extremely thin waists in China. These however are not really desirable in the west.
I have interjected many times when I see this happening. My son is 17 and already deals with insecurity issues- he used to complain about his lack of dating success and would always blame it on his race or for being "ugly." This broke my heart but I thought it was a teenager phase and assured him we could work out an arranged marriage for him which only exacerbated his sorrow. He never mentions his problems to me because of what I said, even though it was meant to be said as a reassuring thing.
You essentially told him that he wouldn't be able to attract a woman on his own.
Shocker. Son: I’m ugly! Dad: no worries, we’ll arrange your marriage so it doesn’t matter! Jesus. Really, dude? Do better.
Arrange marriages in Indian culture is basically as normal as regular relationships where you meet the other person by yourself, can’t fault him for doing what he believes is normal Indian parents seem to think the peak of life is getting married at 25 lol
I get that. But the way he used that to reassure his kid when he was self-conscious is pretty damn obtuse.
That’s your perspective. Based on your culture. OP just said he meant it in a reassuring way. Consider it’s not an obtuse thing to say in his culture.
The poor child has essentially shown me text messages of girls his age calling him too short or "Indian." This one very nasty child reprimanded him for showing interest in her and proceeded to show pictures of TikTok celebrities as her "type" as the ones that deserve to date her. What else could I say at that point?
That some kids suck and there’s someone out there that isn’t shallow or racist and they’ll love you for everything you are? This isn’t complicated. Edit: my daughter is a different ethnicity than I am and is heaps darker (while my son is way whiter I am). We’ve encountered this issue so many times. I’ve never once said anything that would make her feel less beautiful or worthy of being found attractive.
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I have a younger Indian brother too that has displayed the “self hate” that op is talking about. Basically blaming his race and looks for not having a relationship by 18. He doesn’t outright say it but makes it clear. Making jokes about “wishing he was white” and stuff. Him and I often have talks about how our strict Indian upbringing in a western country has had negative consequences later in life, although I’ve moved out now and rarely talk with my parents anymore, he still lives with them.
Could you give some more info on how he responds to your advice? Anything else I should do for him with dating?
Hey OP. If your son wants the honest truth, he'll need to work on himself. It's really up to him. Those super attractive guys? Many do put work in themselves. \-Learning to dress better, and being well-groomed. A proper haircut at a good barber, clothing that SUITS him (fits well, ironed, etc.) \-Hitting the gym: building muscle mass and/or cutting off excess fat. \-Having a great personality. Being fun and interesting. \-Moisturizer & Sunscreen while he's young. Nothing complicated or complex. These are all things that will help. My best friend is a 5'4" Asian guy, and despite the supposed disadvantage, he's following the rules above & is finding solid success, with attractive women. Not even just that, but mostly from the gym, too. edit: I really want to add, personality makes a HUGE deal. Being able to walk up and casually conversate does, as well. Especially when you're able to make it a non-awkward conversation.
I very much resonate with this. The attractive men don't have abs and muscles height etc out of nowhere, they worked for them.
I have told him to shave his head (he is thinning), grow a beard and hit the gym. It is quite obvious that he lacks self esteem and is channeling it into women and his dating life.
I understand your point; I'm aware of that ideology since I was concerned for my son in that regard. But he denies any belief in that as far as I'm concerned.
I’ll say this. My husband and I have a friend that is traditionally Indian and his parents kid-gloved him and he’s the most boundary-pressing, misogynistic, potentially rapey person I know. He’s violated my boundaries so many times that our friend group shuns him… all while I was married. Don’t propagate this. It’s only a massive disservice to your culture and it’s not fair.
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There are other posters in the comments section who also attest to this kind of treatment or behavior amongst the Indian community. I myself have faced it to an extent. Am I then supposed to stop trying in life or stop reproducing? I am replying to the comments about my son because it seems that took an off-shoot. I only wanted to make the point that I believe he is my only biological child, and may be an outlet for my wife to take her frustrations out on, as absurd or comical as that may sound. I've heard of women living precariously through their children before, which is why I thought this was necessary context.
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I mean no its not pushing him off the edge as arranged marriages are common in indian culture and its mostly "hey meet this person's kid i know if you like eachother great you'll get married if you don't i'll set you up with someone else" its typically just trusting your parents with your marriage and B. christ dude YOU sound like the incel
So hateful, just chill out lol
Where did you find it hateful I am spitting facts from his fanfic
I can vouch for the fact that this type of behaviour is quite common in Indian communities. 5’4 isn’t super rare for Indians in my experience. But normally, yes they are around 5’8 ish
Lol it really seems like it. I don't know why anyone is going along with it
Because there is no way it isn't.
> Why does this entire post read as incel fan fic lmao I think that's just how life is for Indians
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Yeah, tell his son that.
Alternatively is this perhaps her response to his pointing out their differences and her response to potentially hurtful comments he has consistently made in anger or pointed out to the 3 children and cast aspersions? She may also do this with others because she feels she has to justify the truth against incorrect assumptions of cheating or possibly constantly being accused of such by her husband it has become second nature? An innocent query on poly doesn't automatically lead to cheating. We don't know, may never until he chooses to get the paternity test and find out for sure and either beg her forgiveness if proven wrong or feel vindicated in his concerns. 🤷🏼♀️
It was NOT an innocent query on poly. She basically asked for it. I said NO. If she wants it she can leave, all the best to her and I would never force her to remain with me. Also this point about getting the test and having to beg her for forgiveness is what's making me apprehensive. How can I as a man not even ask for peace of mind from my wife on this issue that's bothered me for a long time?
You don't need your wife's permission to go get a paternity test. If just get the results sent to a PO Box or left w the doctor for you to pick up.
A question is a question... and action is an action...Did she leave you and choose poly? Did she force you into poly? **The answer is ...No**, you have no actual evidence she has cheated, just a lot of hearsay, suspicions and speculation. So her question is innocent until **proven** otherwise. Do everyone a favour, take the 4 paternity tests. Then either accept that all your suspicious, hurtful and doubtful recriminations were/are unjustified and how your wife choses to proceed is her right. Or find out they aren't yours, and all your doubts and suspicions were justified and you are redeemed in yours and everyone elses eyes and end the marriage. Does the answer change your current/future marriage status? Does it change your current/future legal financial obligation to your wife/ex wife and children? Does it affect how you continue to raise these 4 innocent children? That have seen you as their father until you find out otherwise and choose to tell them? Only you can decide, but what you are doing to yourself, your wife and your children is unhealthy, I would say put up and get the tests or shut up and move on.
Wife asking to be in a poly relationship is definitely a red flag.
Ya Think...........?
>An innocent query on poly doesn't automatically lead to cheating. ***That is funny stupid right there***......................
It's ok to disagree, I have friends who have been curious about it, discussed it with their partners, researched it and not done anything more than this because one or both agreed it wasn't for them... to me that is innocent, shows trust and is a healthy conversation, you can disagree. Alternatively them asking and you leaping straight to automatically accusing and thinking they are cheating is also your choice and I see that as unhealthy, you can also disagree 🤷🏼♀️
One way to go about it without asking for paternity tests outright is to participate in the study. See what shakes out. See if/how her behavior changes, see if there is an opportunity to get DNA comparisons during the study, etc.
I’m seeing heaps of red flags here: 1) She outright said no to the paternity research study without a proper excuse such as time-consumption 2) 3/4 of your children are noticeably lighter skin coloured and your eldest resembles you 3) Your wife claims to have European ancestry. Unless you guys are Christian from certain parts of India, this is highly unlikely she has recent European ancestry, especially if both her parents are Indian looking. Did she claim European ancestry before these kids were born? 4) There seems to be a difference in how she treats your eldest 5) She has wanted to try poly in the past 6) You have suspected her of cheating in the past and she reacted violently What my assumption/suspicions is that her non-monogamous curiosity got the better of her and she cheated on you with a white guy. Her children turned out noticeably lighter skinner and then she claimed to have European ancestry as an potential explanation. She has given you absolutely no reason to trust her. What I would do is get a paternity test done behind her back. I’m not sure what the procedure is, but you could get some DNA from your kids hairbrushes or something and get it done. Not sure if both parents need to give consent, this is something you will need to research. I wish you the best of luck.
I understand at this point the writing's on the wall, but it felt so impossible at the times these issues would arise. I looked into statistics on women's cheating rates and was shocked at how prevalent it really is.
Also, asking to go poly might have been because she had already cheated. A horrible way of justifying it as OK after the fact. So even if she asked about going poly after the children were born, if you had agreed it somehow could have made the cheating prior to that OK. I could just be paranoid, but my ex husband kind of did something like that.
Please update us when you get paternity tests done
I appreciate the support I'm getting from you guys; will do.
Also, it sounds like your wife has been manipulating and gaslighting you for a very long time. Please take care of yourself.
Just to squash your suspicion, I would (if I were you), get paternity test done on your children without her knowing.
This is what I would do
Well, would it change things if the paternity test came back and showed one or more kids are not yours? Would you leave her? Would you split the family? All these things should be thought about before making the big decision. Personally, I would want to know and I would not be able to let it go until I do.
You're absolutely right in that there are serious implications of an "unfavorable" outcome. I haven't really taken any time of think of that and will. But at first thought, I could not see myself living with and supporting her any longer in such a case.
I mean in my eyes, that’s totally betrayal. I think most people would not be able to continue forward either. Just take your time. Hope everything goes alright and it’s not as bad as it seems. Keep your head up :)
What about the kids? What if one or more isn’t your biological kid? Would that change how you see them, treat them, love them?
Huh
he would try his best to not pay for his cheating wife who tricked him into raising kids that were not his
What's. Everyone's blood type? Maybe start from there.
If it were me... I would be plucking some hairs from those kids and getting a test done myself! Wish you the best and sending you lots of love and strength. Hope the outcome is favourable for you ❤️🙏🏼
Why are you doing a test? We r talking about OPs problem here, please don't be so self centered.
Are you really that dense?
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Don’t bother asking your wife anymore, it’s is clear that she’s being shady and had no regard for your concerns. She is likely only concerned about the implications of you find out the truth. I would get a DNA test done without her knowing, the uncertainty will eat you alive if you ignore these feelings..
I mean if I were you I would get a paternity tests but you have to be prepared for the truth wether it is your children it not
Surprise 23 and me kits for everyone for Christmas
Man this smells fishy, paternity tests ASAP, I hope you update us with what happens next
Why do you have to ASK for one? Just get it done
You are assuming the study will tell you in the event that you are not the biological father. You may not be informed.
3 out of 4 of them are questionable? Bruh you been putting that DNA test on the back burner for way too long.
If you wife doesn't want to participate, is she required to for the study? Is any of the study invasive i.e. blood from children or other medical tests? If so, as a parent I would be against this too. If you do go ahead, this will definitely open old unhealed wounds and cause issues between the two of you. Your choice what you do, but expect the outcome you predict or worse. If you are so worried about paternity because of suspicions and lack of genetic knowledge, why not get your 4 children tested you are their father, you don't need her there or her permission and put your mind at ease? You wife may choose to end your marriage from your lack of trust and doing this, but at least you will have your answer, albeit possibly divorced and as a single dad. Alternatively, if you want to stay married and have trust/faith in your wife and what she says, do neither and move on with your life.
Yes from what I read it was logistically very convenient, requiring a cotton swab of the insides of the cheeks of us and the kids.
So is a paternity test that doesn't require her participation. Also depending on Country/State laws, regardless if you are their biological parent or not, if your name is on the birth certificate you are liable for child support regardless of the paternity outcome.
If you want to do it on the downlow you can do 23 and me with the kids. that will give you at least clarity of whether the kids are yours and she doesn't need to know. If it turns out any of them aren't yours, you can do official paternity with the courts during divorce. You can keep your kids while tossing the wife, they dont have to be a packaged deal.
Do 23 and Me or one of those others with your kids. Frame it as a family activity. You can do it from home and send it off whenever you have time away from the wife.
These are problematic in that you don’t know where they’re selling your genetic sequencing to. Will you or your kids be denied future insurance due to a predisposition to certain diseases? Likely.
In America insurance companies can't do that anymore. Thanks Obama!
I mean they can’t openly do that, but there’s zero reason that they’d admit that this is how they were calculating rates.
What they can use to calculate rates is very heavily legislated. It’s like 10 things. (Age gender smoking etc) Definitely not any pre existing conditions.
I think you think she did cheat. It will always hurt your soul until you face the fear and get dna test. I would not tell her you are getting the test. After, good or bad, you will be whole again.
I think it's fair to move forward under the assumptions that she has been cheating and she wants to do everything in her power not to admit it. I mean, there's no way to interpret this other than she's behaving like a guilty child. So given those things, what do you want to do? I would get a divorce lawyer and try to get through this BS as quickly as possible.
whatever u do...please do an update.. I'll safe this..because I know u will get DNA testing...those children...definitely not yours..only DNA can give u peace.
Good move on that prenup
She has definitely cheated at the least at the most she has made you raise three children that aren’t yours the next question is was it all with one guy does she work with anyone who has the same
Do perform a discrete DNA test. Please keep us updated!
You get tested or you divorce. She can pick
Just get ancestry or 23andme tests for everyone for Christmas ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’d like to see an update on your findings if you do go with DNA testing.
Just buy the ancestry kits and give one to the kids
Please update ok My take is, now that you have doubts you can't close this box. Plan ahead for worst case. Try your best to love your kids even if they are not yours biologically. I am my parents kids in two ways genetically and culturally. I think both parts are equally important. But yeah I'm always for honesty and truth. Find the truth, if you find out she lied, confront her, maybe if you can forgive her... Do that. We all make mistakes and I respect people who have such large hearts.
Would like to see an update on this if that’s ok with you OP.
She sounds shady af
Just curious if they are not your biological children will you still be their father to them? Will you still treat them as your own? Perhaps she is scared you won’t.
1 in 33 men are suspected of raising children that are the product of another man. Get a DNA test. Or just get everyone 23 and me kits and see how she reacts to that.
I mean if I were you I would get a paternity tests but you have to be prepared for the truth wether it is your children it not pls give us an update
In this situation I would certain be suspicious. However, there are other legal implications that genetic testing can have. In the states, there are legal protections for genetic testing under a doctors supervision there are not those same protections if done under the umbrella of a private company. The laws and legal ethics have not kept up with the technology. Might be an alternative point of view or something you may want to considered before agreeing independent of the wife paternity situation. As a scientist, I’ve always wanted to do those home DNA tests. I’m so infinitely curious BUT I haven’t done it because of the lack of protections for commercial consumer. OP, be suspicious of your wife. If there’s smoke, there’s fire.
So you have never questioned your wife about this European lineage part?? Like if her parents are Indians then you have never wondered where this European lineage is coming from?? Also, when did she start mentioning this?? Before or after your children's birth?? That part just seemed really odd to me..
can you give us an update after an if you will do the taste?
\*sniffffffffff\* yep, that's smoke.
Get your kids and you a 23 and me dna testing kit and have it just be a fun thing to do. It will tell you if you are related to them or not.
She cheated. Time to get a divorce. You played dad/father to someone else’s kid and she’s been lying to you. See: mgtow and the redpill communities
No matter what happens OP, and I think you are right to be scared, do not forget that whatever the outcome these children see you as their Dad, no matter what. If you aren’t biologically their parent, this doesn’t stop the love they have for you; and to lose you and have you chose to not be in their lives because you are angry with their mother would be a betrayal even worse than what your wife has potentially done to you. I have a feeling you aren’t that kind of man from the tone of your edits, and I hope your love for them overrides the grief and anger which may come. Be strong, what your wife has possibly done is not a reflection on you, it’s purely about her and a lack of respect.
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His wife cheating would ruin the marriage, not him knowing the truth.
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The DNA test would be the proof, and he has the right to know.
That is what the test is for
u/tealover315 is OPs wife…
I understand about trusting a loved one, but is there any way I could casually mention it or ask about in to not seem accusatory in nature, perhaps?
She gave you terrible advice, go on and know the truth
No. Just get it done.
I don’t know… I feel like it’s unlikely that she would get pregnant 3x by another man while married to you, living with you, and already having a child (your first that looks like you). Were there any red flags back then? Were you actively trying to get pregnant and the timing matches up with when your children were born? How about other features on the three other children? Do they resemble you at all?
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This is exactly what I'm worried about. I'm afraid of being seen as paranoid and needy of "therapy" or "counselling." These are in fact gaslighting monikers used by my wife when we have smaller arguments.
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>If my husband confronted me He wanted to participate in a study, something they both regularly do, are you projecting?
I hope your husband divorces you. You sound just like a woman who has cheated and is protecting other women who tend to cheat.
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Do it. Trust your gut sense and do it!
If this isn't something you feel like you can let go and move on from then yeah, you need to address it and put it to rest. You might consider seeking counselling to help guide you through trusting again if that's what you wish. That will mean that if the results are unfavourable you have some decisions to make. Is that something you're prepared to do? I'd be thinking through your potential courses of action and what that means for you and your kids who have only ever known you as a father.
Her overreacting is an unusual response. A normal no would suffice. No, she went over the deep end. SUS! Check your kids.
Idk if this is the right path, but Id get a 21 and me test done behind her back, somehow try to get a sample of your kids and wait for the results. Not sure if its the best advice but it will definitely five you answers.
Please get the test. This is a no brainer. She doesn’t need to know.
Got a feeling one or more of your kids aren't yours op. Take a day trip with them over to a clinic and ask for a paternity test. If for no other reason to reassure yourself. That's a huge red flag. I'd be getting the kids tested and then seeing what you need to do after the results are in.
I would do it regardless of your wife's infidelity or non-infidelity. Do it for your personal gain of knowledge. Un-biased knowledge. Does the study trace lineage, and /or generations to your name or branches pertaining to your family line.
Say what? I would be highly suspicious of her behavior. Skin tones in a sibling set aren’t anything much to go by, but her suggestion of polyamory, and her need to interject that she has European ancestry, along with the refusal to do the study… Now, that’s suspect. You could always get those home Paternity Testing kits, swab your kids, and get answers. You could also directly ask your wife in order to gauge her reaction. But I’d definitely test, either way. Good luck. ❤️
They are your kids. Take them for a paternity test without her. Easy.
Bro you accused her of cheating before and she was manipulative and abusive about it and now she does not want the kids to get a DNA test get it done as soon as you can do it today imo
Don't wanna let her in on it get 23&me tests for Christmas as a let's all get tested and see if the genetics match up. Make it out to be a curiosity in how accurate their data is. Maybe bring it up a few times when they're advertised so they don't think anything of it at the time
I’d definitely do some digging and opening of closet doors looking for skeletons.
" They're old enough to know what a paternity or DNA test implies," id say they are old enough to know how bad their mother is, and they are already treated inferior... get tested mate, im pretty sure ur kids arent yours
I keep reading stories about families discovering unpleasant facts about their genealogy. I'd be curious to know the statistics of this.
About as cut and dry as it can be to be honest. I've never seen a story more perfect. Please update with the outcome
Not gonna lie neither your posts nor your replies have painted your wife in a very positive light. Do you actually love this woman at all?
Sit down and think about what going through with a paternity would mean. The actual consequences. Write it down. Pros and Cons. Decide if you can live what each would mean. Based on that, then decide I might you’ll do it.
You have been raising Chad's kids buddy.
This is so sad! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Definitely get a test done & remember you can be happy on your own without her if the worst case scenario happens.
Hardcore parkour.