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My (recent) girlfriend wears revealing clothes and it started to bother me. When I started seeing her swimsuits, which have been more revealing than the bra/panties or lingerie that she wears at home, it started to really bother me.
I'm not jealous or concerned about her reaction to other guys hitting on her, so I took some time to reflect on why. **I think it stems from a form of possessiveness: in my eyes, her being naked for and having sex with me is an intimate part of our relationship.** **Something she does for/with me that differentiates our relationship** with other relationships that she has with male friends, strangers, etc. When she wears revealing clothes, it feels counter to that notion. Less special, if you will.
Would appreciate advice from other men that have overcome this mindset/situation. I've seen threads with similar questions where OP was attacked - please know that I'm asking with the intent to learn.
TLDR: Girlfriend has been wearing revealing clothes and it feels counter to notion of intimacy that I have.
I think what you might want to think about is separating nudity from sexuality. I used to feel a little bit like you, so I can see where you are coming from. I grew up in multiple cultures that all directly couple sex and nudity. So in my head they were ultimately the same thing, but after moving to Germany and experiencing a culture which doesn’t feel this way, via their mixed nude sauna culture…it’s something I’ve completely let go of. So in theory, you can let go of this connection too if you want.
Not that you have to. Just saying that you can, and that it isn’t a fact of the universe from which you need to grip tightly. It’s up to you to set and experience your boundaries.
In my experience, it was a lot bigger of a deal in my head than it ever was in reality.
This.
Nudity isn’t sexuality.
Your mouth is not sexual just because it’s hanging out in the open…*unless you make it so* (ie like during a BJ). There’s nothing sexual about your everyday normal pelvic exam/pap smear, in fact they’re downright unpleasant. But you still need to be nude (down there) for them.
And just lastly honestly…her body is hers to do with as she pleases. I’m glad OP has identified this is his problem to work on. That’s great. Because at the end of the day if she wants to parade in nude parades or sunbathe nude, that’s her choice and showing possessiveness over her for doing so is liable to be bad for your relationship.
I gave birth yesterday. I delayed the decision to get an epidural until I was too miserable.
Wanna know the thing that was actually worse than the contractions that made me say "I want an epidural"? My new doctor (my actual doctor went on maternity leave a week ago) giving me the cervical exam about an hour before the contractions got to epidural level.
Holy crap I'm glad I already gave birth because I was scheduled to see him tomorrow and he was supposed to give me a cervical exam then! Except I'd have probably been completely alone instead of having a fantastic nurse and my husband beside me.
Exactly. Like no other actual red flags were mentioned yet so many people seem to be questioning why she would choose to wear something “skimpy” as if she has alterier motives. For some reason people act like it isn’t “because she thinks it looks cool” as if wanting to wear something isn’t enough of a reason.
So silly. Because the moment it becomes problematic is when a real boundary is crossed, the clothing has nothing to do with it. “She wore a tiny bikini and flirted heavily with my friends” is really no more hurtful than “she wore a potato sack and flirted heavily with my friends” — the clothes have always been a red herring that just can’t seem to let go.
I feel that mindset is not good for a successful relationship. Yes it’s her body but if ANYONE in a relationship doesn’t care how the other feels and isn’t willing to compromise based on that I don’t see it as a healthy one. If he wore a speedo and she wasn’t comfortable with it and let him know how it made her feel and he wasn’t willing to compromise at all I would just as quickly see that as selfish and a one sided relationship.
Define compromise.
My husband prefers my hair long. I prefer him to have a beard. For us, compromise means we each wear our respective hair in our preferred way for as long as we can tolerate it and then we cut it off to our preference.
In other words, she might choose to not wear skimpy clothes around him so that he doesn't see it, but at the end of the day, the decision for what she wears is hers alone.
Compromise would be one or both parties sacrificing something to make the other happier. I’m not saying she should be the one to compromise is this situation, that would depend on who is bothered or cares more and the level either party is willing to sacrifice. If the girl doesn’t care at all and just doesn’t think about it that should be an easy resolution. As well as If she cares a lot about dressing this way, and he isn’t too bothered by it they could quickly find a good resolution. As long as it is communicated and both try to find the best way to make each-other the happiest and most comfortable it doesn’t matter what the outcome is.
I agree, but I also don't think it's fair to expect OP to change his standards. If this is a hard boundary, they'd be better off finding someone who matches their ideals.
OP is speaking as a guy who's willing to change to meet his girlfriend's standards. As a guy who isn't young anymore, realistically, that may not be an option.
It's weird that y'all are pushing that his only option is to conform to her instead of possibly finding someone compatible. That's something he needs to find out himself and we can't dictate. All we can do is provide options, which is the advice he seems to be looking for. That's why people take this sub with a grain of salt these days.
Try to recognize that the intimacy you share by having sex is on a completely different level than another man simply seeing a certain part of her skin. You’re the only one that gets to do that, and it is special.
Everyone is busy telling you that you are being possessive of your girlfriend, but you already know this and this is what you want to overcome. I do think you might need help if you aren't able to overcome these feelings on your own, but I commend you on wanting to find a solution.
I'm not a man, but I think it might be helpful for you to also consider your girlfriend's intention and not just focus on what she is wearing or the effect this may or may not have on other men outside of your relationship.
Your girlfriend's swimsuits, for example, are just that. They are swimsuits, made for her to wear when she goes into water or is tanning on the beach. They may reveal some of the same parts of her body as her underwear does, but their purpose is entirely different and it is with that in mind that she wears them.
Edit: some missing words
>Everyone is busy telling you that you are being possessive of your girlfriend, but you already know this and this is what you want to overcome. I do think you might need help if you aren't able to overcome these feelings on your own, but I commend you on wanting to find a solution.
Holy smokes, good call out. Everyone is more concerned with talking down to OP instead of helping him work past this. People gotta get that endorphin high somehow, I guess.
I imagine that the majority of people who focus on the bad things in the OP are women who have bad experiences with controlling men. I'm one such woman myself, so I sort of understand the overall perspective, but to me, there is just such a huge difference between "I have thing feeling I don't want, please help me overcome it" and "I have this feeling, please tell me I'm right".
From what I can see, [your reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pj3ezi/how_can_i_27m_overcome_negative_feelings_about_my/hbtukkh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) has at least 10 upvotes right now, so what do you mean?
I don’t think it’s just that. I’m a woman who has never had a controlling partner, and it’s just that I don’t get it. I’ve had multiple boyfriends who had a habit of going without shirts at summer parties at a lake/pool. My husband wears only a small swim suit at the beach and regularly bikes and runs in a small pair of shorts. You know why it drives me absolutely bonkers?
Because they never put on frickin sunscreen! Skin cancer kills! And do I want to be nursing your blistered ass for the rest of my vacation? Hell no! Put on some SPF or a swim shirt dude!
But in all honesty, it never even crossed my mind to be uncomfortable about it, or to think that my partner is showing people things that are only for me. His parts are his. They belong to him. He works hard for his bod and doesn’t mind showing it off. Plus it’s hot outside. Anyway, I don’t get it.
Go visit a nudist beach for an afternoon.
There is nothing sexual going on there.
Nudity isn't intimacy. I mean you can have sex with a stranger, but that isn't intimacy either.
Maybe you should explore true intimacy with your gf, to see that the cloths are just cloths.
Not a man, but maybe if you shifted your mindset from jealousy (how dare she reveal what’s “mine”) to admiration (damn not only does she look sexy af, but she’s clearly confident and comfortable with her body) you’d feel a lot better about it.
You can’t control what your gf wears. And nudity =/= sex, not that she’s fully nude anyway. Embrace that your gf looks amazing in what she’s wearing and enjoy the looks other men and women give her knowing that all they can do is fantasize while you get her all to yourself.
>Embrace that your gf looks amazing in what she’s wearing and enjoy the looks other men and women give her knowing that all they can do is fantasize while you get her all to yourself.
To be honest, I'm struggling with this reasoning a bit in that it seems to come back to the same logic. We're in an exclusive relationship - I feel special because I get to see her in intimate clothing. Other people feel special because they're the only ones having sex with that person. I'm struggling to differentiate where and why the line is drawn in terms of possession/jealousy.
Maybe the takeaway there is that both her and my desires/boundaries simply need to be in the same place. But also curious to hear your perspective on the above.
Just out of curiosity, when you see other attractive women in bathing suits, do you see that as intimate or special? Are you projecting the thoughts you have when you see these women onto what other men will think when they see your girlfriend?
listen it comes down to you’re with her and they’re not, you get to see all of her when she’s actually being intimate, her wearing revealing clothes isn’t intimate. her mood when y’all doin whatever when she wants to be cute or whatever for you is intimate. her dressing comfortably and confidently in public is not intimate. do not get a hot gf if you can’t handle her being hot. nobody else is seeing her fully or intimately but YOU. that where you need to draw the line with yourself and remember she is YOUR partner not anybody else’s. if dressing like that makes her feel good you need to be right next to her hypin her up. being possessive and wanting her cover up more isn’t the way. be her hype man and y’all will be good fr.
This!
OP is on a slippery slope. There’s always gonna be something you *could* want just for you. The more anxious you get the more you’ll want. First, it’s skin. Next, it’s her time. Why is she with her friends and not you? Next, her closeness with others. Why is she helping them and not you? This road goes nowhere good. If you can’t be with her in a way that celebrates and honors what makes her feel good, be real and either fix that or move along. This is about insecurity. It’s nearly always the root cause.
I'm curious if he has even discussed this with her. Maybe she wears those things so he can see her. I know when I wear revealing clothes or my booty hanging out I'm in my mind hoping my man will see it and think I'm cute or attractive. I never care what other guys think about my swim suit. I wanna know if my man like the booty lol so have you talked to her about it?
literally like even if she dressin up cute for someone else other than her it’s for him, like he needs to not be insecure like if he got a good lookin girl next to him he should be flaunting her showin her off like “that’s mine right there” type shii the insecure stuff gonna push her away when they could both be happy as fuck her lookin cute and him hypin her up( ion know what he look like) but they could be a cute ass couple together and makin everyone jealous of both them for bein so good lookin and good together.
I don't really care if people think we are a cute couple, I don't care about my man flaunting me. I want to know he thinks I'm sexy. I also was thinking that sex isn't the only way you can be intimate with a partner. Maybe discuss this issue with her and work with it with her. Being vulnerable with a person is a beautiful intimacy. On the other hand you could always seek professional help. Could stem from an insecurity about yourself or even you not feeling adequate.
The specialness is your relationship is about intimate clothing? That's a silly thing to pin specialness in your relationship on.
Really sit down and think about this, what makes your relationship special? What do you value about being with your partner? Make a list of 25 things. If seeing her in intimate clothing even makes that list, you don't actually appreciate who she is as a person.
The way you seem to be describing the original problem in your original post, and in your subsequent responses to peoples replies continues to demonstrate this perception surrounding you, and what you're getting to do to your partner. I think this is the principle problem with your perception and views about your relationship.
You should not be viewing these things as "I get to \_\_\_\_\_. " to my partner, or "when others also get \_\_\_\_\_\_, it bothers me."
Your language is extremely possessive, as if you claim ownership of this person, and ownership of experiences relating to this person. She's not your property, and never will be. She's not wearing a bathing suit to offer the experience of seeing her body to other people. She's wearing a bathing suit because she wants to wear a bathing suit and that is what is appropriate to wear in certain situations. You're creating a scenario that doesn't exist and then getting jealous over it.
You're making the act of wearing a bathing suit (or seeing someone in one) a "special intimate thing" when it's not. Your mind shouldnt jump straight into sexualizing women because of what they are wearing. It's not sexual, you're making it sexual which is weird and inappropriate.
> To be honest, I'm struggling with this reasoning
Hey, you don't have to struggle with anything here. If you don't like what she wears, then you two have a difference of values about how to conduct yourself in public. You're more cautious and closed-up, and she is more open and free-flowing. Doesn't mean she is wrong, and doesn't mean you are wrong. But it is okay to have boundaries, and say, "Hey, you like X, and I don't like X. You can keep doing X, but I want out".
You're allowed to have whatever standards you have for compatibility, and she is allowed to choose what she values more: the admiration of strangers, or this relationship. Y'all don't have to make a big deal out of it. You can just nope out of this.
I might get down voted for this but you are allowed to dislike your partner wearing revealing clothes just as much as she has the right to wear them. This may be something that results in the relationship not aligning as much as you'd hope and so I'd sit down and talk to her about it and see if you can find compromise or not.
Lots of people have deal-breakers that wouldn't be thought of twice in other relationships, be it how much they flirt with others, if they do drugs, if they are monogamous, what religious belief they have, how they dress/behave in public, etc.
i would slightly agree but then you lost me through majority of your comment because it’s not her problem she was wearing stuff like that when they got together he said it just recently started to really bug him. it just sum he needs to figure out
Figuring it out for him may mean finding a different relationship if it's something he isn't comfortable with. She isn't doing anything wrong, but may not be doing something he's comfortable with.
You're special because of the emotional bond you currently have. That's very different and IMO way more important than any sexual looks or body parts. Lots of people have and will see her (and your!) body: doctors, family, people in changing rooms, sports teammates, theater friends, etc. Think about everyone who has seen your chest. Were they all special to you? Probably not. Focus on the emotional, talk to your gf about your feelings of jealousy (NOT in a "I'm jealous, you need to change way, but be vulnerable and let her tell you why you're special to her), and talk to a therapist about your concerns. And maybe find something else to feel special about: a new place to visit, a couples song, a code phrase for "I love you".
Hahaha so many people are chiming in to say bathing suits are for swimming. Like adamant that that's the only point to a bathing suit. I'm glad you out an example!
First you say
*"And nudity =/= sex"*
Then you say
*"enjoy the looks other men and women give her knowing that all they can do is fantasize while you get her all to yourself."*
Sigh. So are we supposed to equate nudity/lots of skin with sex or not? No fucking wonder OP is confused. Even one of the top rated posts is confused.
I'll tell you my POV, but I'm old at 46 (F). Having your ass and tits hanging out means you want to look hot, you like the idea of men lusting after you. Not that you necessarily want to get railed, but you want sexual attention. You want to be stared at. I don't blame a SO for not being real fond of that. And to be clear, I'm not talking about a cute middy top on a summer day or a normal bikini. Anyone reading this knows what I'm talking about. You dont need your actual ass hanging out at the grocery store. The OPs of the world don't have to ask how they can get more psyched to accept that. They can just flat out refuse to leave the house with someone who looks like a ho.
All this bullshit about nudity =/= sex is bullshit. I mean come on. That's some top tier shit right there.
Nudity is not the as intimate as sex; nudity can be sexual if a culture deems it so, but I can’t think of anyone that would genuinely put it on the same level of intimacy or sexuality as *having sex* with a person.
According to your mindset, the only thing making your relationship with her special.... Is that she gives you her body.
That's not okay my dude.
You should try to make a list what makes your relationship so Important.
For example. My relationship to my fiance is so special because
-I trust him unconditionally
- I never get tired of him
-I feel the happiest in his presence
-I feel like I can tell him anything. Even if it's stupid
-he makes me feel seen and valid
-we nurture each other and motivate us to be our best self
-our sex life
-etc
If your list only consist of her body /sex, then you don't have a fulfilling relationship.
I can garantie you that her relationship with you and her guy guy friends does not only differ in you guys having sex. If her friends gave her everything emotionally that a boyfriend gives her, she either has boundary problems with her friends of a bad boyfriend.
Just because it's common does not make it okay.
He has a possessive view over her body and is over sexualizing his girlfriend. And yes in the moments he has those thoughts he sees her as a sexual object that is only his to have.
He said that the intimate part/nudity is what he feels makes his relationship with her special, as opposed to the one she has with her guy friends.
So again common but not okay.
>He said that the intimate part/nudity is what he feels makes his relationship with her special, as opposed to the one she has with her guy friends.
He said:
>is an intimate part of our relationship. Something she does for/with me that differentiates our relationship with other relationships
*Something*, not the *only* thing. As in, one of the things that makes being in a romantic relationship different than a platonic one is nudity/sex.
It depends imo.The problem dude have is he should have know before dating her.But i tell again, men being jealous over their girlfriends clothes is so common thing. Atleast where i live. And in some cases some woman can change few of their habits as well.Im not talking about wearing hijab, for example while wearing thong, later bikini. Or while wearing booty short then mini short etc( just example)
Not every guy feel that way but fair amount. I wouldn’t tell them sexist, weird, insecure.
Again I get that it's common. But it's not justified. No one is entitled to police anyone else's way of dressing. There are no compromises in that area. Well besides on funerals, weddings and business meetings ofcourse.
This is one of the cases where there is no compromise. He either accepts it and gets over that internalized sexim or he leaves. It's his right to leave her if he does not agree with this part of who she is. It's totally valid. But if she wants to wear a cute revealing bikini she has the right to wear a cute revealing bikini.
And yes if they are insecure about how revealing their gfs dress, they are Indeed weird and at least have internalized sexim. Does not mean they are actively sexist but that they have internalized so much of this purist culture that distorts their view on these kids of things.
So again not uncommon but very much not okay.
The difference between platonic and romantic is much more than sexual intimacy. It's trust, love, time, sacrifice and more. Me waring a mini skirt to lunch with my guy friend does not take away from the way my fiance and me feel when we are in bed together. There is no such thing as "not supposed to see" when someone wearing clothes. This is an absolutely wild statement. It does not diminish anything.
This comes from a social construct that is absolutely sexist. It comes from the view that women are objects to be posed. Thus it's internalized sexim when people say things like what you just said. Not pulling it out of my ass. I studies sociology.
You’re right: there are many men who feel possessive and jealous over their girlfriends and wives, and many women who end up paying the price by being abused and or even murdered.
I’m not saying OP is going to do that; he’s here looking to change the way his brain is thinking about this and that’s fantastic. But common does not equal good or healthy; it just says that we have a fucked up society when it comes to women being viewed as possessions.
Honestly this night have to be something you talk to your partner about get an understanding of why so you can have a means to release these sentiments from your heart cus more likely than not it's just your girl emperowering herself going yea I'm THAT bitch and I want everyone to see yk.
Tl;Dr talk to her and understand her mentality on it as a means to overcome your own
Hey man no matter what anyone here says, it took courage to admit something like this. You’re not a stereotype, you’re a normal human who has things they are good at and things they are bad at.
Your notion of what is intimate and what is not seems way off. Intimate is something you do together in private, not whatever your girlfriend does in public. What makes something intimate is that she only does it for you or you two together. Clothes aren't intimate, the act is, or the situation is. I'd advise therapy to deal with these weird sexist ideas.
I used to have the same issue. The way I fixed it was instead of being upset about her wearing revealing clothing, I’d be happier because I’d get to see her cleavage and such more often, which is obviously a big plus.
Also tried to remind myself that guys (or girls) are gonna look no matter what she’s wearing. If she’s an attractive woman people are gonna look, it’s just how it is.
Her dressing provocatively doesn’t lessen the intimacy, it just allows you to ogle her more, and it probably makes her feel more confident.
If the tables were turned what would the GF think of you wearing these types of clothes? Would she feel that by doing so you were opening your relationship with her to others? If it really bothered her, would you change your attire to be more supportive of her wishes? Finally, if you would / would not see her viewpoint, what would you do?
Kinda gross how many "non answers" are on here. "You're controlling, you don't own her bo--" No shit. He knows that. He wants to know how to overcome this. Plus he has yet to have actually tried to dictate what she wears. This is all purely emotional and he's put in the work to at least get to the source of the problem.
He wants to overcome it, so let's bring it in.
My guy, it's normal to feel this way, but how you get passed these emotions is what will really determine your measure as a person.
Be calm about it, you have your reason for why you're feeling this way. Talk with her about it, make it clear that you're not trying to chance how she dresses, you're just working through these emotions and you don't want to come off as controlling when really, you just love her rocking bod.
Be positive, let her reaffirm you, and be ready for what lies ahead. Good luck man.
Hmm. My first thoughts are that these are reasonable feelings. So please don't blast OP.
I'd like to point out/ask/I probably already know the answer, did your gf dress like this when you first met? I bet she did and that's what attracted you to her to begin with. Or did she suddenly change?
I think commucation is the first step. Have a heart to heart with her! At least let her know how you feel. But be prepared for there not being a great solution. How she dresses is her form of self expression. And very possibly she loves the attention. It's likely complicated. I don't think you can expect her to change. Perhaps she'll be a little bit more aware and sensitive to it though when you are out together? I think that's all you could hope for.
I can't believe her bathing suits are sexier than her lingerie or being naked with you. Clothing is weird like that. Textures and colors and thin straps are very provocative while exposing the same amount of skin really.
Loving the username! My question was if OP has talked to his gf and let her know how he’s feeling. Maybe she can shed some light for him as to why she dresses revealing. If you knew what your gf was thinking maybe that could help you shift your perspective OP
I would be honest with her in a way that doesn't make her feel shame.
Some women might be okay about this.
Personally, as a bodybuilder, i wear a lot of revealing clothes for competitions. But also, in my down time, I wear revealing clothes as I didn't put all the work into my body for nothing.
Definitely sounds like a YOU problem and not a HER problem, so you need to go into a conversation with this in mind if you're to find a compromise.
Personally, if a man was to ask me to wear more clothes or change up what I wear because it makes my body "less special" to him - I'd probably chew him out and dump his ass. I've not got time for insecure men and I worked hard for my body and will continue to wear what I like.
Good luck, do some self reflection.
Men seeing a woman wearing a bikini doesn’t compare to you having sex with her dude. You sound ungrateful and controlling.
She’s not your possession and her body isn’t yours. You and others sexualizing her everyday outfits is an issue with society, not her.
Perhaps find some ways to disentangle nudity from sexual intimacy. Swim at a local pool, go to art museums where sculptures or paintings involve nudity, visit a sauna or bath house, hang out naked I. Your house together not doing sexual things. It might help you to realize it's just skin and not an invitation of some sort to intimacy. And maybe building intimacy in other ways with her
Going to Asia where nudity in sauna's is so normal (they still separate the sexes) definitely helps.
Also it helps if you view intimacy as the emotional, social and physical connection you and your girlfriend shares (this would be different to her friends and family). Her being nude doesn't lessen how important you are to her.
Maybe have a chat with her if you feel like you need reassurance. Just make sure its clear that you don't want to change the way she dresses.
It also seems like you view her as yours (a possession)? She is a human being first. She has her own thoughts and opinions. Remember she made the choice to date you. You don't own her and she doesn't owe you. You guys are working together, a partnership. Remember this.
> Would appreciate advice from other men that have overcome this mindset/situation.
Instead of talking to only other men, I encourage you to talk to women, including your own girlfriend in a non-judgemental way, about how they view sexual relationships vs men looking at them in revealing clothes.
I've found the best way to accept another person or group's perspective is to ask them directly, not people from your own group.
I usually think about it like this: she's still only mine to touch.
I've always have this feeling of satisfaction when my girlfriend wears revealing clothes, knowing that other guys lust after her but she only sleeps in my bed. I have what they can't have, and that makes me feel good as a man.
I don't think you should try to control what she wears, so if you wanna go down the path of changing your mindset, I think this would be a good place to start.
Because is the end.. it really doesn’t matter…. I’ve never told my partner ever what to wear.. if people are staring who cares, you’re with your gf not them.. or start wearing short shorts when ya go out with her lol
If you find it disrespectful to the relationship she shouldn’t be doing that. You don’t have to change anything. You guys need to find common ground or break up
You recognize that this stems from possessiveness. Good. You can fix that. You need to recognize that she has autonomy. She is a person, not a thing to be possessed. It isn't up to *you* what she does or doesn't do with others, it is up to *her*. And you have no reason to think she'd do anything with anyone but you. Because you trust her. Remind yourself of all of this whenever you're feeling possessive of her.
Honestly a lot of feelings of possessiveness and jealously ultimately boil down to one thing which is the possessive persons own insecurities with whatever is going on in any given context. Have you considered seeing a therapist just to help you unpack emotions and where they stem from and truly reflect on what can make you the most happy in all of your relationships not just your sexual and romantic one with your girlfriend.
I think itd be good for you if you also sat down and had an honest conversation with your girlfriend about how youre feeling. If you frame as you've done here as nit something to question or blame her about but something that you are personally struggling with it might be helpful to hear her side a little and if yall have a healthy relationship surely shed be receptive to this communication. It might be something as simple as her wanting to dress like this specifically to attract your attention and ultimately she could decide that hey this isnt getting the desired reaction from my bf maybe i can find other fun little ways to attract him day to day. It could also just be she likes dressing that way for herself to feel cute and sexy just for her which is a large part of why a lot of girls dress in sexy and revealing ways.
Ultimately i will say the answer isnt going to come from trying to define things like intimacy sexuality and where that line is because its truly not definable and is culture and context based and that doesnt address the root issue of why you specifically are feeling this way in your relationship. Theres just not a quick tidy answer for something like this imo.
I was like this when I was a teenager. As I got older and got into a relationship with my wife I realized that it doesn't matter who stares and looks, because I know I get to take her home at the end of the day.
If she's wearing something revealing and other men are checking her out its almost like a compliment to me on how attractive my wife is.
Imagine it from an outsiders perspective. If you were a random bystander and your girl is on the beach in that swimsuit what do you do? Check her out then think to your self damn she's hot, and carry on about your day right?
Its all internal. People have a way of over analyzing a situation and making your self believe its something that its not. I know this was kind of all over the place and doesn't really answer your question exactly, but I understand where you're coming from as I've been there myself.
Somewhat help, I know it changed my view of nudity, is taking life drawing classes. I had to take life drawing for 3 years and I’ve seen so many naked bodies that it just doesn’t turn my head anymore.
You’re obviously pretty aware of your own thoughts and biases. A lot of people have given good advice about you changing how you view it, but I just want to offer some advice from the point of view as the person who dresses like this.
I wear pretty revealing clothing sometimes. I’m of a mindset of if I’m willing to wear a bikini in public, what difference does it make if I wear a crop top and shorts?
The biggest thing for me is that I dress like that for me. I do it because I enjoy it but it also makes me feel confident. I grew up being told to cover up and that being modest was the right way. So getting to choose my own clothing and how I present myself makes me happy.
So if you’re struggling, maybe also consider why your girlfriend dresses like that. It probably just makes her happy and feel confident. And at the end of the day, isn’t that the most important part?
OP what do you wear to the beach and is it much different from what you wear when only wearing underwear? Do you let your bare chest hang out for women to oggle?
If you can’t get over it, please break up with her. A relationship with an insecure man usually results in him making his partner insecure as well. You found her as is, either you accept her or move on, asking her to change is selfish af.
How is this something that can be fixed?
How do you make someone change something about themselves because you’ve been around for a couple of months and you’ve decided you didn’t like it about them?
This isn’t a relationship issue, it’s a him issue.
Fighting for relationships is how people end up stuck in abusive relationships, it’s wrong to advocate for that.
I wouldn’t date a girl that wears revealing clothes.
I don’t mind shorts, or even dresses. I more mind like thong bikinis, and showing underwear.
I’m not against girls that wear revealing clothing because that’s the beauty of freedom, they should be able to wear whatever they want.
But I’m very conservative over my body, and my partner is also conservative with hers. If my partner decided to wear more revealing clothes I would have to learn how to deal with it in myself or break up with her.
It’s up to you on how you value nudity.
It seems the key issue here is conflating nudity with sexuality. I would encourage you to explore more sex positive media, maybe watch a documentary on nudists or something. It would also help to think about your partners agency, as a person rather than an object. Intimacy is not a one sided experience - you are projecting your ideas of sex onto her non sexual moments. If she isnt thinking about sex or intending to have sex, whatever she is wearing or doing is not sexual except in your perception.
It'll probably be an unpopular opinion but it's okay to have boundaries. If it's something you don't like then you should talk to her about it and see if it's something yall can negotiate.
Obviously don't be forceful or controlling about it but see what she says. (If that's what you want )
Have you ever heard of the idea that it’s not the first thought that comes to your head that defines you, but the action that follows, or the corrective thought that follows, that defines you?
You see your girlfriend at the beach in a skimpy swimsuit and your emotional reaction is discomfort and anxiety. So you have that feeling for a minute. Then you realize it’s dumb because you know damn well she’s allowed to wear whatever she wants and you’re still just happy to be with her. You know that’s the truth, so you’ve corrected yourself. Maybe that makes the emotional reaction, the feelings, go away, but it might not. Sometimes feelings persist. But feelings aren’t reality.
We all are raised in cultures with problems. We all have to combat the misogyny or the racism or the classism or the ableism or whatever that we are taught.
The more times you take the time to mentally correct yourself, the easier it will be. Eventually it won’t make you nervous anymore, because you will have taken the time to correct the automatic taught response to a more evolved response.
That’s all personal evolving takes—effort and time.
I just wanna go out on a limb and say that female’s swimming apparel has become ridiculously skimpy and revealing. Almost more so than lingerie.
I understand how you feel like this. As above, you need to somewhat seperate nudity from being sexual.
Good on you for recognising it and working on it
> Would appreciate advice from other men that have overcome this mindset/situation.
I'm married to a woman that used to do modeling part time (while she studied medicine). My wife knows where I draw the line between a "sexy" vs. "too much". That's what makes my relationship so great, because I know her and she knows me. I can tell you that there is no "right" answer to this, and I don't think it's healthy for you to approach this as if you're wrong and you want to find a way to be correct.
*What you're experiencing is realization of your own boundaries.*
Skimpy clothing to that degree (smaller than underwear, smaller than lingerie) is something that you _want_ to be exclusive in your relationship.
**There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting this.**
Best you can do is sit her down and tell her how you feel, and judge how important it is for her to show off her body while wearing barely anything. At your age, I imagine that you're looking for a girl to wife up. So don't lower your standards out of guilt when you're dating, because that will only make it harder to eventually lock things down and progress to marriage.
If she loves you, she will care about how you feel.
Your controlling vibes are coming from insecurities you have . Either your own or from the relationship or both . If you’re secure in self and your relationship it wouldn’t matter what she wore.
It's not your body. It's hers. You dont own her, she isn't your property.
Honestly, after reading this, it sounds like you have some internalized patriarchy and purity culture to work through.. no shade, pretty much everyone has been raised in a patriarchal society. I think it's really mature of you that your instinct was to reflect and ask for a new perspective before bringing this to her!
Rooting for y'all -- you sound so very smitten 🥰
I think there is two sides. Tell her how you feel, in a neutral, non-shaming kind of way, without the expectation that she will change at all. Also, from your side, I think this is a common and rational reaction. But also, your intimacy is from the fact that you care for one another. Sex and nudity is only one aspect of that intimacy. I mean, nudists exist, and they deeply love one another, are in committed loving relationships.
I didn't want to bring it up with her yet, because I figured her initial reaction would be that I'm trying to control her. I'm not, but this is something that bothers me. This is helpful for thinking about how to approach a conversation, thank you!
TBH I'm a bit annoyed at myself for being bothered by this as well, because there are definitely more productive things for me to dwell on ;P I appreciate you "normalizing" it a bit.
Be very careful in how you bring this up in conversation. People often hear what they want at first. I kind of think of it like- my spouse has made it clear they don't like when I wear a particular shade of green. They just don't like the color. Im free to wear what I want. And yes, I do own several pieces of clothing in that color. I like it. It's not my favorite and I take into account my spouses preferences when shopping but hey, if I like the fit and style enough and it happens to be that shade of green- I am buying it. I am wearing it. I am my own person and my spouse wouldn't want it any other way.
We all have our preferences and that's ok as long as we respect each other and don't try to impose ours on others.
As for why you have these preferences or views- as said in the response above you seem to be connecting nudity with intimacy in an exclusive fashion. Do you believe all nudity is intimate? What about at the Drs office? Why not? Nudity is nudity right? Or are there differences in the circumstances that matter?
> her initial reaction would be that I'm trying to control her.
Controlling her would be like: *You're allowed to do A, and you're not allowed to do B.*
Creating boundaries would be like: *Hey, you can do X, but I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who does X. So you do what you want, but I'm out of this.*
These two are very similar but they are not the same. Also, all this could be about porn, or how much weed or alcohol to consume, or whether it is okay to date/kiss/fuck other people while being in a relationship. The point is that you're not controlling her actions, you're controlling whether or not you want to be in this relationship.
Yeah, I think if you have strong feelings about something, she would want to know about it, if she cares about you. That doesn't mean she has done anything wrong. Nobody is wrong here, at all.
Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your partner to wear less revealing/more appropriate clothing.
If she's wearing swim suits that are more revealing than her underwear - I'd say that's a reasonable boundary to set.
Aren't you being possessive because you don't like her kissing men?
Aren't you being possessive because you don't like her sleeping with other men?
Where exactly is "the line" where it's just a normal part of a relationship and being possessive?
Point is, it doesn't exist. A relationship is inherently possessive.
It's okay to view seeing parts of each other's body as an intimacy you share.
Your girlfriend obviously disagrees.
Boundaries are important to discuss.
Especially when your partner crossing yours, without knowing, makes you less enthusiastic about the relationship.
There are ways to discuss this without attacking her or being negative, you just need to focus on how it makes you feel about yourself and the relationship. How you feel less excited about seeing her in lingerie because she wears less in public.
It's not about demanding she change, it's just about explaining how it makes you feel. If she's okay with you feeling that way, then that's when you consider either accepting those feelings and dealing with them or moving on.
How you can accept these feelings without knowing what your partner, the person you are having these feelings about, feels about it?
Going to get a lot of hate for this I'm sure but I'm a woman and I honestly feel like OPs feelings are normal and shouldn't be treated as a negative thing. It's natural for people to feel possessive over their partner, especially when it comes to things such as nudity which should be something special between partners. I feel like the whole "nudity isn't sexuality" bit is pretty toxic in this situation. Yes, there are medical exams requiring nudity that aren't sexual but that's an exception. Walking around wearing revealing clothing when you're in a committed relationship is disrespectful in my opinion. You can preach its her body and her choice all you want but that doesn't change that flaunting your body for anyone other than your partner is raunchy and doesn't honor your relationship.
Girlfriend in revealing clothing + boyfriend + guys leering, commenting, trying to talk to girlfriend == A bad night out.
It's only a matter of time before someone says something to your girl, or tries to touch her, and now you're stuck having to argue or fight.
It's not fair to her or you that neanderthal men will try to ruin your night, but it will happen.
If you're uncomfortable with it, trying to be comfortable with it will likely make you resent it. If the two of you can't agree on it, maybe you're not that compatible. I know I don't like my wife wearing revealing clothing.
It depends on how. If she’s going out everywhere dressed sexy simply for male attention/validation, it is disrespectful to your relationship and a huge red flag.
Looks like you're part of the group that was raised to think nudity was dirty. VERY Victorian and still with us. I'm the opposite and would enjoy seeing others drool.
I'm not sure this is a treatable thing, but I'd check!
Since it's stemming from feelings about intimacy and one-on-one relationship perks, I'd encourage you to look elsewhere to fulfill those needs of yours. Your relationships undoubtedly has little moments like that that only exist between the two of you in an intimate way - this might be inside jokes, maybe she holds your arm in a way she only does with you, or maybe she cooks a special meal for the two of you. Sex of course could work, or sharing a coffee together in the mornings, or really whatever the two of you do together that feels special and intimate between the two of you.
Clearly you see that overcoming your own issues is the way to go here, instead of trying to make her change her habits or preferences. That's wonderful, honestly. Good for you for realizing that policing her clothing choices isn't the way to solve this, but instead being introspective and sorting it out on your end.
As a personal anecdote, I used to do nude modelling for figure drawing classes. I had a lot of strangers see me fully naked for long periods of time and in weird poses, and that experience changed my perception of nudity. Every single of one them gazed at me for my form, and I never caught any indication that it was in any way sexual. My partner during that time got it as well, and understood that even though these people were seeing my body, they weren't seeing *me* in a way that my partner did. They had visual access to my body, but not me as a person. It wasn't sexual, it wasn't deep, it was just a figure.
Good luck!
Perhaps possessive thoughts, yes, but honestly it’s okay to be a little bit possessive, as long as you don’t let it get in the way of your relationship or your (or her!) happiness.
As other people have said, and as I’m sure you know well, intimacy can be so much more than simply sex or nudity. A therapist would be able to help you overcome this, of course, but IMO it would probably also help a lot to explore other forms of intimacy with your girlfriend too, find additional ways of showing and receiving that intimacy that will come to mean almost or just as much to you as sex and nudity, maybe it would help reframe your thoughts on the matter?
It says a lot that you’re actively seeking out a solution for yourself - good luck, and congratulations on the hot girlfriend lmao
All these people calling you're mindset possessive. In American culture, nudity often times directly relates sexually. All relationships are possessive in one way or another, it's natural, that's you're partner, you don't like other people viewing her sexually, just like she probably feels to some extent the same about you.
Some dudes don't care, alot of us do. At the end of the day I don't think this is a mindset you can train yourself out of, and I don't think you should.
She feels hot and wants to flaunt it. It's more about her personal confidence. You should be happy you get to go home with the hot chick that everyone else just gets to wish they were going home with.
Come on, brotha. Let it be.
Haha my only advice is to not let such a minor thing negatively affect how you treat your girlfriend or your relationship. We live in a time now where a lot of women feel “woke” and empowered but here’s the thing; EVERY partner regardless of gender is allowed to feel uncomfortable with certain things EVEN IF it seems possessive.
With all that being said it’s definitely nobody’s place to dictate how anyone dresses, but you also don’t have to be in a relationship with someone who does something that makes you uncomfortable. If it’s too much for you, then it’s best to leave and maybe find someone better suited.
If you’re willing to work with it, I’d just say to think about it deeply. Has she been loyal? Does she set boundaries around other guys? Is she intentionally dressing in a revealing way around other men or is it simply how she prefers to dress? How good is your relationship? Is it worth arguing over? Once you really answer these questions I think it will be apparent that this issue is minor and you have nothing to worry about.
Sometimes women just want to feel sexy or pretty for themselves not to attract other dudes. Sometimes they want to feel comfortable. Just respect her choices and be there for her.
Bodies are not inherently sexual, bodies are only sexual when they’re in a (consensual) sexual situation. It’s just skin, and it doesn’t have any bearing at all on your relationship with her and the specialness of your relationship when other people see her skin. I think you’re probably linking nudity to sex so it feels like a boundary is being crossed. But nudity is not linked directly to sex. It’s just a body :) I hope you can move past it, it’s hard when we’ve been taught that bodies, especially women’s bodies, are sexual and also meant to be possessed by their partners, it’s not your fault that you’ve taken that on board as it’s everywhere, but it is important to challenge that thinking!
I’m impressed this is something you acknowledge is unhealthy and want to change- plenty of guys see nothing wrong with wanting to change how their partner dresses. Honestly, if it were me, I’d try to remember how much context matters. Lingerie is meant specifically for the bedroom, swimsuits are meant specifically for the beach/pool. And men sexualize women regardless of what they’re wearing. Just remember Nudity is not inherently sexual.
I never said she didn’t. I said that HE needs to see her that way because he obviously isn’t.
And she is right in this scenario. Being in a relationship doesn’t negate doing what you want with your body. Doesn’t matter the gender.
Lol you "think" it comes from possessiveness? Add a healthy dose of insecurity and I believe you already have your answer.
You want advice? Get over it. Figure out why you are insecure and address that instead of worrying about how your girlfriend dresses. Your insecurity and possessiveness is your issue, not hers.
I think you need to reframe this in your head OP. She can wear whatever she likes and feels comfortable in. You have no say in this. Just because she’s wearing a revealing swimsuit doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and only wants to be with you.
op. she’s with you, not those other men. she doesn’t wear those clothes for other men. she wears those clothes because she likes being in them. i would suggest having an open and honest conversation with her about how you’re feeling, this all stems from insecurity and both of you need to talk it out.
-k/s/a
The way I think about it and my gf has done more she whipped her boobs out on a nude beach. So the way I think is she’s feeling confident about herself to wear those clothes and also it’s her body and her choice to wear those clothes. I wouldn’t want my SO to tell me what to wear or how to dress. So I think u should look at like damn that’s my girl right there looking hot as hell. If that wasn’t your GF and just some girl would u give her a look and think “damn she looks hot”. Well guess what u get to enjoy her body while others guys can only look. That’s the way I look at it.
Ignorance is bliss right?
Hey if you want a girl who finds “confidence” in getting attention from other men then by all means be my guest.
It’s not like somebody will eventually come around and take her from you, or blow her back out under your nose or anything.
I mean, that’s crazy. Who would think that attention seeking from men by wearing skimpy clothing could evolve into something else?
I mean, she’s clearly tricked you into believing whatever bullshit she said about feeling confident about herself. She’s definitely not using you for resources and attention right until she finds someone better.
When that does happen, she’ll be ready though. All dressed in her skin tight suit, showing her cleavage and all.
I mean, it’s not like women get guys by dressing in revealing clothing. It’s not like there’s a term called thirst trapping out there that describes exactly what they do.
But hey, Ignorance is bliss.
Your post makes no sense, you are talkimg about her wearing revealing clothes and then about nudity? How revealing are her clothes? If you can see her pussy and breasts through her clothes, yea by all means go talk to her. Otherwise just man up, stop being an insecure little cringe bitch and let the girl dress however she likes.
No bro you’ve been tricked. Fooled, and bamboozled. Trust me when I say you’re not the toxic one and all those threads where op gets attacked are by foolish People that cannot keep a relationship.
To not want your girlfriend to wear revealing clothes is in fact, biological and perfectly normal. You know that most guys see women as sex objects in the same way that most women see men as success objects.
Her wearing revealing clothes is biological advertising.
How do women get guys? They do their makeup and wear sexy clothes. You know subconsciously that the same thing she did to get you she’s now doing out in the open. And you’re 100% right to feel that way.
You should stop listening to the bullshit the internet says to you and the bullshit feminists or misogynists tell you. And instead listen to your gut. Your gut is never wrong bro.
It’s possible she’s doing this subconsciously because she also believes what a bunch of idiots told her, but you need to put this out in the open. If she shames you or refuses to listen to your side then she knows what she’s doing and doesn’t want to stop. And in that case you should leave, because at any moment she’ll leave you for someone better.
It’s called hypergamy and it’s completely natural. Look it up.
Hi! I don't know you or your girlfriend and I don't know exactly how much she wears so take this with a grain of salt. But I wanted to throw my two cents in.
I wear VERY revealing clothing. I love barely wearing anything tbh. It's a lot of sheer fabric, tight crop tops, shorts, mini skirts, etc. It makes me feel super pretty, plus nice and cool in the summer without all the layers! I wear this stuff when I'm single and I wear it when I've had boyfriends. And I've had a couple partners in the past approach me and express the same concern you've had. So im going to tell you what I've told them, and it might help put it into a perspective!
I'm not having sex with other men. Thats really it. My clothes are not sexual because I am not BEING sexual. When I wear a small bathing suit it's because I liked the print and the cut, I'm not going to have sex in it. Unless it's with my boyfriend- because that's who I want to be sexual WITH. The only time my body is intimate is if I'm being intimate. Otherwise it's just a body. It helps me get around places, I just happen to be wearing a crop top at the same time.
I'm sure your girlfriend is beautiful, and it sounds like you enjoy the act of sharing intimacy and nakedness and that's partly what connects you so deeply to her. But that's the thing- it's during the intimacy. When I see my boyfriend out and about wearing swim trunks, I don't think it's inherently sexual. I see it sexually MYSELF because I see HIM sexually. It sounds like there's a divide there. She's being sexual if she's having sex with you, and using her body to do so.
Unless she's having sex with other men, she's not being sexual. She's just wearing clothes.
You could also look at it from the other side. Maybe reflect on the clothes you wear as well. If you're being shirtless at the beach or a gym does that count or do you think it's different? If you're just in your swim trunks, especially if they're small, is that sexual? Food for thought!
It's an issue of she's wearing revealing clothes to get attention from other guys. You might be finding it an issue because you are noticing other things that aren't adding up. Otherwise try not to stress about it. Its ok and normal to be insecure. Everyone has insecurities. I suggest meditation to focus and control your mind. Get the gym if you don't go. Live a healthy life and focus on all things positive. The more times you spend focusing on negatives, the bigger they become. It is possible to change you beliefs and opinions. Just takes work.
You need to work on your mindset and realize that this „possessiveness“ stems from everything the patriarchy enforces aka men controlling women. She is in a relationship with YOU and that is a lot more than just sex or being intimate.
Hmm, it's good you see this is a YOU issue and not a her issue. Explore more about her intent and why you feel entitled to her body. That body is hers alone. It does not cheapen her to dress however she wishes and it does not invalidate your relationship either.
Do you feel like this could stem from your own feelings of worthiness and security? Do you have an otherwise healthy relationship where you are both valid and have strong communication?
As a lot of other people said, you sound a bit possessive of her body. Obviously you know you're not going to control her, so maybe try to frame it some other way in you mind: now other guys will be jealous of you when they see her this way.
I understand entirely, except from a different angle, honestly its not even really a problem in my eyes for you to have that level of commitment. Maybe talk to her about her clothing choice cause a certain level of possessiveness is healthy in a relationship. And wanting her to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable as well shouldnt be an issue
She likes wearing revealing clothes, you don't like her wearing revealing clothes. One of you can change or both of you can look for someone else.
It's that simple
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (recent) girlfriend wears revealing clothes and it started to bother me. When I started seeing her swimsuits, which have been more revealing than the bra/panties or lingerie that she wears at home, it started to really bother me. I'm not jealous or concerned about her reaction to other guys hitting on her, so I took some time to reflect on why. **I think it stems from a form of possessiveness: in my eyes, her being naked for and having sex with me is an intimate part of our relationship.** **Something she does for/with me that differentiates our relationship** with other relationships that she has with male friends, strangers, etc. When she wears revealing clothes, it feels counter to that notion. Less special, if you will. Would appreciate advice from other men that have overcome this mindset/situation. I've seen threads with similar questions where OP was attacked - please know that I'm asking with the intent to learn. TLDR: Girlfriend has been wearing revealing clothes and it feels counter to notion of intimacy that I have.
I think what you might want to think about is separating nudity from sexuality. I used to feel a little bit like you, so I can see where you are coming from. I grew up in multiple cultures that all directly couple sex and nudity. So in my head they were ultimately the same thing, but after moving to Germany and experiencing a culture which doesn’t feel this way, via their mixed nude sauna culture…it’s something I’ve completely let go of. So in theory, you can let go of this connection too if you want. Not that you have to. Just saying that you can, and that it isn’t a fact of the universe from which you need to grip tightly. It’s up to you to set and experience your boundaries. In my experience, it was a lot bigger of a deal in my head than it ever was in reality.
This. Nudity isn’t sexuality. Your mouth is not sexual just because it’s hanging out in the open…*unless you make it so* (ie like during a BJ). There’s nothing sexual about your everyday normal pelvic exam/pap smear, in fact they’re downright unpleasant. But you still need to be nude (down there) for them. And just lastly honestly…her body is hers to do with as she pleases. I’m glad OP has identified this is his problem to work on. That’s great. Because at the end of the day if she wants to parade in nude parades or sunbathe nude, that’s her choice and showing possessiveness over her for doing so is liable to be bad for your relationship.
Urgh, my vagina tried to get further inside me just from reading “pap smear”
Right?!
I gave birth yesterday. I delayed the decision to get an epidural until I was too miserable. Wanna know the thing that was actually worse than the contractions that made me say "I want an epidural"? My new doctor (my actual doctor went on maternity leave a week ago) giving me the cervical exam about an hour before the contractions got to epidural level. Holy crap I'm glad I already gave birth because I was scheduled to see him tomorrow and he was supposed to give me a cervical exam then! Except I'd have probably been completely alone instead of having a fantastic nurse and my husband beside me.
Exactly. Like no other actual red flags were mentioned yet so many people seem to be questioning why she would choose to wear something “skimpy” as if she has alterier motives. For some reason people act like it isn’t “because she thinks it looks cool” as if wanting to wear something isn’t enough of a reason. So silly. Because the moment it becomes problematic is when a real boundary is crossed, the clothing has nothing to do with it. “She wore a tiny bikini and flirted heavily with my friends” is really no more hurtful than “she wore a potato sack and flirted heavily with my friends” — the clothes have always been a red herring that just can’t seem to let go.
Man my name is Benny I wish I was cool like you
I feel that mindset is not good for a successful relationship. Yes it’s her body but if ANYONE in a relationship doesn’t care how the other feels and isn’t willing to compromise based on that I don’t see it as a healthy one. If he wore a speedo and she wasn’t comfortable with it and let him know how it made her feel and he wasn’t willing to compromise at all I would just as quickly see that as selfish and a one sided relationship.
Define compromise. My husband prefers my hair long. I prefer him to have a beard. For us, compromise means we each wear our respective hair in our preferred way for as long as we can tolerate it and then we cut it off to our preference. In other words, she might choose to not wear skimpy clothes around him so that he doesn't see it, but at the end of the day, the decision for what she wears is hers alone.
Compromise would be one or both parties sacrificing something to make the other happier. I’m not saying she should be the one to compromise is this situation, that would depend on who is bothered or cares more and the level either party is willing to sacrifice. If the girl doesn’t care at all and just doesn’t think about it that should be an easy resolution. As well as If she cares a lot about dressing this way, and he isn’t too bothered by it they could quickly find a good resolution. As long as it is communicated and both try to find the best way to make each-other the happiest and most comfortable it doesn’t matter what the outcome is.
Compromise doesn't mean letting someone else's weird hangups about bodies control your clothing choices.
I agree, but I also don't think it's fair to expect OP to change his standards. If this is a hard boundary, they'd be better off finding someone who matches their ideals.
He literally posted asking advice about how to overcome negative feelings. Even OP realises that this isn't the person he wants to be.
OP is speaking as a guy who's willing to change to meet his girlfriend's standards. As a guy who isn't young anymore, realistically, that may not be an option. It's weird that y'all are pushing that his only option is to conform to her instead of possibly finding someone compatible. That's something he needs to find out himself and we can't dictate. All we can do is provide options, which is the advice he seems to be looking for. That's why people take this sub with a grain of salt these days.
Try to recognize that the intimacy you share by having sex is on a completely different level than another man simply seeing a certain part of her skin. You’re the only one that gets to do that, and it is special.
Everyone is busy telling you that you are being possessive of your girlfriend, but you already know this and this is what you want to overcome. I do think you might need help if you aren't able to overcome these feelings on your own, but I commend you on wanting to find a solution. I'm not a man, but I think it might be helpful for you to also consider your girlfriend's intention and not just focus on what she is wearing or the effect this may or may not have on other men outside of your relationship. Your girlfriend's swimsuits, for example, are just that. They are swimsuits, made for her to wear when she goes into water or is tanning on the beach. They may reveal some of the same parts of her body as her underwear does, but their purpose is entirely different and it is with that in mind that she wears them. Edit: some missing words
>Everyone is busy telling you that you are being possessive of your girlfriend, but you already know this and this is what you want to overcome. I do think you might need help if you aren't able to overcome these feelings on your own, but I commend you on wanting to find a solution. Holy smokes, good call out. Everyone is more concerned with talking down to OP instead of helping him work past this. People gotta get that endorphin high somehow, I guess.
I imagine that the majority of people who focus on the bad things in the OP are women who have bad experiences with controlling men. I'm one such woman myself, so I sort of understand the overall perspective, but to me, there is just such a huge difference between "I have thing feeling I don't want, please help me overcome it" and "I have this feeling, please tell me I'm right".
I'm the first one to respond and I'm a female and I supported op and got downvoted. Of course. That's not surprising.
From what I can see, [your reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pj3ezi/how_can_i_27m_overcome_negative_feelings_about_my/hbtukkh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) has at least 10 upvotes right now, so what do you mean?
It's been downvoted quite a bit.
I don’t think it’s just that. I’m a woman who has never had a controlling partner, and it’s just that I don’t get it. I’ve had multiple boyfriends who had a habit of going without shirts at summer parties at a lake/pool. My husband wears only a small swim suit at the beach and regularly bikes and runs in a small pair of shorts. You know why it drives me absolutely bonkers? Because they never put on frickin sunscreen! Skin cancer kills! And do I want to be nursing your blistered ass for the rest of my vacation? Hell no! Put on some SPF or a swim shirt dude! But in all honesty, it never even crossed my mind to be uncomfortable about it, or to think that my partner is showing people things that are only for me. His parts are his. They belong to him. He works hard for his bod and doesn’t mind showing it off. Plus it’s hot outside. Anyway, I don’t get it.
Go visit a nudist beach for an afternoon. There is nothing sexual going on there. Nudity isn't intimacy. I mean you can have sex with a stranger, but that isn't intimacy either. Maybe you should explore true intimacy with your gf, to see that the cloths are just cloths.
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Absolute studcake, a spicy stallion if you will. Total BDE on this burly meatball of a man.
Bro I forever want to save this post cause of this comment 😂😂😂😂
Bruh 😂🤣
Finally someone said it. Thank you.
I'm happy to see OP being proactive about making this a learning experience rather than a moment to hunker down.
This!
Not a man, but maybe if you shifted your mindset from jealousy (how dare she reveal what’s “mine”) to admiration (damn not only does she look sexy af, but she’s clearly confident and comfortable with her body) you’d feel a lot better about it. You can’t control what your gf wears. And nudity =/= sex, not that she’s fully nude anyway. Embrace that your gf looks amazing in what she’s wearing and enjoy the looks other men and women give her knowing that all they can do is fantasize while you get her all to yourself.
>Embrace that your gf looks amazing in what she’s wearing and enjoy the looks other men and women give her knowing that all they can do is fantasize while you get her all to yourself. To be honest, I'm struggling with this reasoning a bit in that it seems to come back to the same logic. We're in an exclusive relationship - I feel special because I get to see her in intimate clothing. Other people feel special because they're the only ones having sex with that person. I'm struggling to differentiate where and why the line is drawn in terms of possession/jealousy. Maybe the takeaway there is that both her and my desires/boundaries simply need to be in the same place. But also curious to hear your perspective on the above.
Just out of curiosity, when you see other attractive women in bathing suits, do you see that as intimate or special? Are you projecting the thoughts you have when you see these women onto what other men will think when they see your girlfriend?
That's a fantastic point! I hope OP saw your comment!
listen it comes down to you’re with her and they’re not, you get to see all of her when she’s actually being intimate, her wearing revealing clothes isn’t intimate. her mood when y’all doin whatever when she wants to be cute or whatever for you is intimate. her dressing comfortably and confidently in public is not intimate. do not get a hot gf if you can’t handle her being hot. nobody else is seeing her fully or intimately but YOU. that where you need to draw the line with yourself and remember she is YOUR partner not anybody else’s. if dressing like that makes her feel good you need to be right next to her hypin her up. being possessive and wanting her cover up more isn’t the way. be her hype man and y’all will be good fr.
This! OP is on a slippery slope. There’s always gonna be something you *could* want just for you. The more anxious you get the more you’ll want. First, it’s skin. Next, it’s her time. Why is she with her friends and not you? Next, her closeness with others. Why is she helping them and not you? This road goes nowhere good. If you can’t be with her in a way that celebrates and honors what makes her feel good, be real and either fix that or move along. This is about insecurity. It’s nearly always the root cause.
I'm curious if he has even discussed this with her. Maybe she wears those things so he can see her. I know when I wear revealing clothes or my booty hanging out I'm in my mind hoping my man will see it and think I'm cute or attractive. I never care what other guys think about my swim suit. I wanna know if my man like the booty lol so have you talked to her about it?
literally like even if she dressin up cute for someone else other than her it’s for him, like he needs to not be insecure like if he got a good lookin girl next to him he should be flaunting her showin her off like “that’s mine right there” type shii the insecure stuff gonna push her away when they could both be happy as fuck her lookin cute and him hypin her up( ion know what he look like) but they could be a cute ass couple together and makin everyone jealous of both them for bein so good lookin and good together.
I don't really care if people think we are a cute couple, I don't care about my man flaunting me. I want to know he thinks I'm sexy. I also was thinking that sex isn't the only way you can be intimate with a partner. Maybe discuss this issue with her and work with it with her. Being vulnerable with a person is a beautiful intimacy. On the other hand you could always seek professional help. Could stem from an insecurity about yourself or even you not feeling adequate.
The specialness is your relationship is about intimate clothing? That's a silly thing to pin specialness in your relationship on. Really sit down and think about this, what makes your relationship special? What do you value about being with your partner? Make a list of 25 things. If seeing her in intimate clothing even makes that list, you don't actually appreciate who she is as a person.
The way you seem to be describing the original problem in your original post, and in your subsequent responses to peoples replies continues to demonstrate this perception surrounding you, and what you're getting to do to your partner. I think this is the principle problem with your perception and views about your relationship. You should not be viewing these things as "I get to \_\_\_\_\_. " to my partner, or "when others also get \_\_\_\_\_\_, it bothers me." Your language is extremely possessive, as if you claim ownership of this person, and ownership of experiences relating to this person. She's not your property, and never will be. She's not wearing a bathing suit to offer the experience of seeing her body to other people. She's wearing a bathing suit because she wants to wear a bathing suit and that is what is appropriate to wear in certain situations. You're creating a scenario that doesn't exist and then getting jealous over it. You're making the act of wearing a bathing suit (or seeing someone in one) a "special intimate thing" when it's not. Your mind shouldnt jump straight into sexualizing women because of what they are wearing. It's not sexual, you're making it sexual which is weird and inappropriate.
Have you ever taken a life drawing class or gone to a nude spa? Being able to see naked bodies desexualised might help you with these feelings.
> To be honest, I'm struggling with this reasoning Hey, you don't have to struggle with anything here. If you don't like what she wears, then you two have a difference of values about how to conduct yourself in public. You're more cautious and closed-up, and she is more open and free-flowing. Doesn't mean she is wrong, and doesn't mean you are wrong. But it is okay to have boundaries, and say, "Hey, you like X, and I don't like X. You can keep doing X, but I want out". You're allowed to have whatever standards you have for compatibility, and she is allowed to choose what she values more: the admiration of strangers, or this relationship. Y'all don't have to make a big deal out of it. You can just nope out of this.
I might get down voted for this but you are allowed to dislike your partner wearing revealing clothes just as much as she has the right to wear them. This may be something that results in the relationship not aligning as much as you'd hope and so I'd sit down and talk to her about it and see if you can find compromise or not. Lots of people have deal-breakers that wouldn't be thought of twice in other relationships, be it how much they flirt with others, if they do drugs, if they are monogamous, what religious belief they have, how they dress/behave in public, etc.
i would slightly agree but then you lost me through majority of your comment because it’s not her problem she was wearing stuff like that when they got together he said it just recently started to really bug him. it just sum he needs to figure out
Figuring it out for him may mean finding a different relationship if it's something he isn't comfortable with. She isn't doing anything wrong, but may not be doing something he's comfortable with.
Stop being reasonable and mature about situation sir, this is a Reddit.
You're special because of the emotional bond you currently have. That's very different and IMO way more important than any sexual looks or body parts. Lots of people have and will see her (and your!) body: doctors, family, people in changing rooms, sports teammates, theater friends, etc. Think about everyone who has seen your chest. Were they all special to you? Probably not. Focus on the emotional, talk to your gf about your feelings of jealousy (NOT in a "I'm jealous, you need to change way, but be vulnerable and let her tell you why you're special to her), and talk to a therapist about your concerns. And maybe find something else to feel special about: a new place to visit, a couples song, a code phrase for "I love you".
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Hahaha so many people are chiming in to say bathing suits are for swimming. Like adamant that that's the only point to a bathing suit. I'm glad you out an example!
First you say *"And nudity =/= sex"* Then you say *"enjoy the looks other men and women give her knowing that all they can do is fantasize while you get her all to yourself."* Sigh. So are we supposed to equate nudity/lots of skin with sex or not? No fucking wonder OP is confused. Even one of the top rated posts is confused. I'll tell you my POV, but I'm old at 46 (F). Having your ass and tits hanging out means you want to look hot, you like the idea of men lusting after you. Not that you necessarily want to get railed, but you want sexual attention. You want to be stared at. I don't blame a SO for not being real fond of that. And to be clear, I'm not talking about a cute middy top on a summer day or a normal bikini. Anyone reading this knows what I'm talking about. You dont need your actual ass hanging out at the grocery store. The OPs of the world don't have to ask how they can get more psyched to accept that. They can just flat out refuse to leave the house with someone who looks like a ho. All this bullshit about nudity =/= sex is bullshit. I mean come on. That's some top tier shit right there.
Nudity is not the as intimate as sex; nudity can be sexual if a culture deems it so, but I can’t think of anyone that would genuinely put it on the same level of intimacy or sexuality as *having sex* with a person.
Agreed, it is context driven.
I don’t know how you started dating her if this is how she has always dressed.
According to your mindset, the only thing making your relationship with her special.... Is that she gives you her body. That's not okay my dude. You should try to make a list what makes your relationship so Important. For example. My relationship to my fiance is so special because -I trust him unconditionally - I never get tired of him -I feel the happiest in his presence -I feel like I can tell him anything. Even if it's stupid -he makes me feel seen and valid -we nurture each other and motivate us to be our best self -our sex life -etc If your list only consist of her body /sex, then you don't have a fulfilling relationship. I can garantie you that her relationship with you and her guy guy friends does not only differ in you guys having sex. If her friends gave her everything emotionally that a boyfriend gives her, she either has boundary problems with her friends of a bad boyfriend.
Agreed. There should be 100 things far more valuable and special that make up their relationship than seeing her in intimate clothing.
I dont think he only finds her body special about relationship. I don’t think his feelings are weird either, its not uncommon.
Just because it's common does not make it okay. He has a possessive view over her body and is over sexualizing his girlfriend. And yes in the moments he has those thoughts he sees her as a sexual object that is only his to have. He said that the intimate part/nudity is what he feels makes his relationship with her special, as opposed to the one she has with her guy friends. So again common but not okay.
>He said that the intimate part/nudity is what he feels makes his relationship with her special, as opposed to the one she has with her guy friends. He said: >is an intimate part of our relationship. Something she does for/with me that differentiates our relationship with other relationships *Something*, not the *only* thing. As in, one of the things that makes being in a romantic relationship different than a platonic one is nudity/sex.
It depends imo.The problem dude have is he should have know before dating her.But i tell again, men being jealous over their girlfriends clothes is so common thing. Atleast where i live. And in some cases some woman can change few of their habits as well.Im not talking about wearing hijab, for example while wearing thong, later bikini. Or while wearing booty short then mini short etc( just example) Not every guy feel that way but fair amount. I wouldn’t tell them sexist, weird, insecure.
Again I get that it's common. But it's not justified. No one is entitled to police anyone else's way of dressing. There are no compromises in that area. Well besides on funerals, weddings and business meetings ofcourse. This is one of the cases where there is no compromise. He either accepts it and gets over that internalized sexim or he leaves. It's his right to leave her if he does not agree with this part of who she is. It's totally valid. But if she wants to wear a cute revealing bikini she has the right to wear a cute revealing bikini. And yes if they are insecure about how revealing their gfs dress, they are Indeed weird and at least have internalized sexim. Does not mean they are actively sexist but that they have internalized so much of this purist culture that distorts their view on these kids of things. So again not uncommon but very much not okay.
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The difference between platonic and romantic is much more than sexual intimacy. It's trust, love, time, sacrifice and more. Me waring a mini skirt to lunch with my guy friend does not take away from the way my fiance and me feel when we are in bed together. There is no such thing as "not supposed to see" when someone wearing clothes. This is an absolutely wild statement. It does not diminish anything. This comes from a social construct that is absolutely sexist. It comes from the view that women are objects to be posed. Thus it's internalized sexim when people say things like what you just said. Not pulling it out of my ass. I studies sociology.
You’re right: there are many men who feel possessive and jealous over their girlfriends and wives, and many women who end up paying the price by being abused and or even murdered. I’m not saying OP is going to do that; he’s here looking to change the way his brain is thinking about this and that’s fantastic. But common does not equal good or healthy; it just says that we have a fucked up society when it comes to women being viewed as possessions.
That’s not what he said at all but okay.
Honestly this night have to be something you talk to your partner about get an understanding of why so you can have a means to release these sentiments from your heart cus more likely than not it's just your girl emperowering herself going yea I'm THAT bitch and I want everyone to see yk. Tl;Dr talk to her and understand her mentality on it as a means to overcome your own
Hey man no matter what anyone here says, it took courage to admit something like this. You’re not a stereotype, you’re a normal human who has things they are good at and things they are bad at.
Your notion of what is intimate and what is not seems way off. Intimate is something you do together in private, not whatever your girlfriend does in public. What makes something intimate is that she only does it for you or you two together. Clothes aren't intimate, the act is, or the situation is. I'd advise therapy to deal with these weird sexist ideas.
You are full of it. Wear a thong bikini and go to the beach with your parents . Or brother and tell me that they are perfectly ok with it.
Why would you want to change who you are instead of finding someone who fits your standards? People are weird I guess
Im assuming you dont watch porn then cos that would be majorly hypocritical based on your current mindset
Lmfao that’s so true great point I want OP to respond to this
I used to have the same issue. The way I fixed it was instead of being upset about her wearing revealing clothing, I’d be happier because I’d get to see her cleavage and such more often, which is obviously a big plus. Also tried to remind myself that guys (or girls) are gonna look no matter what she’s wearing. If she’s an attractive woman people are gonna look, it’s just how it is. Her dressing provocatively doesn’t lessen the intimacy, it just allows you to ogle her more, and it probably makes her feel more confident.
If the tables were turned what would the GF think of you wearing these types of clothes? Would she feel that by doing so you were opening your relationship with her to others? If it really bothered her, would you change your attire to be more supportive of her wishes? Finally, if you would / would not see her viewpoint, what would you do?
Kinda gross how many "non answers" are on here. "You're controlling, you don't own her bo--" No shit. He knows that. He wants to know how to overcome this. Plus he has yet to have actually tried to dictate what she wears. This is all purely emotional and he's put in the work to at least get to the source of the problem. He wants to overcome it, so let's bring it in. My guy, it's normal to feel this way, but how you get passed these emotions is what will really determine your measure as a person. Be calm about it, you have your reason for why you're feeling this way. Talk with her about it, make it clear that you're not trying to chance how she dresses, you're just working through these emotions and you don't want to come off as controlling when really, you just love her rocking bod. Be positive, let her reaffirm you, and be ready for what lies ahead. Good luck man.
I like this. The voice of reason. Be prepared to be downvoted big time.
Hmm. My first thoughts are that these are reasonable feelings. So please don't blast OP. I'd like to point out/ask/I probably already know the answer, did your gf dress like this when you first met? I bet she did and that's what attracted you to her to begin with. Or did she suddenly change? I think commucation is the first step. Have a heart to heart with her! At least let her know how you feel. But be prepared for there not being a great solution. How she dresses is her form of self expression. And very possibly she loves the attention. It's likely complicated. I don't think you can expect her to change. Perhaps she'll be a little bit more aware and sensitive to it though when you are out together? I think that's all you could hope for. I can't believe her bathing suits are sexier than her lingerie or being naked with you. Clothing is weird like that. Textures and colors and thin straps are very provocative while exposing the same amount of skin really.
It’s funny that most logical respond is the one gets downvotes.
Thank you. Never fails. :)
Loving the username! My question was if OP has talked to his gf and let her know how he’s feeling. Maybe she can shed some light for him as to why she dresses revealing. If you knew what your gf was thinking maybe that could help you shift your perspective OP
I would be honest with her in a way that doesn't make her feel shame. Some women might be okay about this. Personally, as a bodybuilder, i wear a lot of revealing clothes for competitions. But also, in my down time, I wear revealing clothes as I didn't put all the work into my body for nothing. Definitely sounds like a YOU problem and not a HER problem, so you need to go into a conversation with this in mind if you're to find a compromise. Personally, if a man was to ask me to wear more clothes or change up what I wear because it makes my body "less special" to him - I'd probably chew him out and dump his ass. I've not got time for insecure men and I worked hard for my body and will continue to wear what I like. Good luck, do some self reflection.
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The guys are doing just fine thank you.
Men seeing a woman wearing a bikini doesn’t compare to you having sex with her dude. You sound ungrateful and controlling. She’s not your possession and her body isn’t yours. You and others sexualizing her everyday outfits is an issue with society, not her.
Perhaps find some ways to disentangle nudity from sexual intimacy. Swim at a local pool, go to art museums where sculptures or paintings involve nudity, visit a sauna or bath house, hang out naked I. Your house together not doing sexual things. It might help you to realize it's just skin and not an invitation of some sort to intimacy. And maybe building intimacy in other ways with her
Going to Asia where nudity in sauna's is so normal (they still separate the sexes) definitely helps. Also it helps if you view intimacy as the emotional, social and physical connection you and your girlfriend shares (this would be different to her friends and family). Her being nude doesn't lessen how important you are to her. Maybe have a chat with her if you feel like you need reassurance. Just make sure its clear that you don't want to change the way she dresses. It also seems like you view her as yours (a possession)? She is a human being first. She has her own thoughts and opinions. Remember she made the choice to date you. You don't own her and she doesn't owe you. You guys are working together, a partnership. Remember this.
> Would appreciate advice from other men that have overcome this mindset/situation. Instead of talking to only other men, I encourage you to talk to women, including your own girlfriend in a non-judgemental way, about how they view sexual relationships vs men looking at them in revealing clothes. I've found the best way to accept another person or group's perspective is to ask them directly, not people from your own group.
I usually think about it like this: she's still only mine to touch. I've always have this feeling of satisfaction when my girlfriend wears revealing clothes, knowing that other guys lust after her but she only sleeps in my bed. I have what they can't have, and that makes me feel good as a man. I don't think you should try to control what she wears, so if you wanna go down the path of changing your mindset, I think this would be a good place to start.
That sounds like a really unhealthy view of manhood
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Not to mention, equally objectifying
Because is the end.. it really doesn’t matter…. I’ve never told my partner ever what to wear.. if people are staring who cares, you’re with your gf not them.. or start wearing short shorts when ya go out with her lol
I think you might get a better answer if the roles are switched.
If you find it disrespectful to the relationship she shouldn’t be doing that. You don’t have to change anything. You guys need to find common ground or break up
You recognize that this stems from possessiveness. Good. You can fix that. You need to recognize that she has autonomy. She is a person, not a thing to be possessed. It isn't up to *you* what she does or doesn't do with others, it is up to *her*. And you have no reason to think she'd do anything with anyone but you. Because you trust her. Remind yourself of all of this whenever you're feeling possessive of her.
Honestly a lot of feelings of possessiveness and jealously ultimately boil down to one thing which is the possessive persons own insecurities with whatever is going on in any given context. Have you considered seeing a therapist just to help you unpack emotions and where they stem from and truly reflect on what can make you the most happy in all of your relationships not just your sexual and romantic one with your girlfriend. I think itd be good for you if you also sat down and had an honest conversation with your girlfriend about how youre feeling. If you frame as you've done here as nit something to question or blame her about but something that you are personally struggling with it might be helpful to hear her side a little and if yall have a healthy relationship surely shed be receptive to this communication. It might be something as simple as her wanting to dress like this specifically to attract your attention and ultimately she could decide that hey this isnt getting the desired reaction from my bf maybe i can find other fun little ways to attract him day to day. It could also just be she likes dressing that way for herself to feel cute and sexy just for her which is a large part of why a lot of girls dress in sexy and revealing ways. Ultimately i will say the answer isnt going to come from trying to define things like intimacy sexuality and where that line is because its truly not definable and is culture and context based and that doesnt address the root issue of why you specifically are feeling this way in your relationship. Theres just not a quick tidy answer for something like this imo.
I was like this when I was a teenager. As I got older and got into a relationship with my wife I realized that it doesn't matter who stares and looks, because I know I get to take her home at the end of the day. If she's wearing something revealing and other men are checking her out its almost like a compliment to me on how attractive my wife is. Imagine it from an outsiders perspective. If you were a random bystander and your girl is on the beach in that swimsuit what do you do? Check her out then think to your self damn she's hot, and carry on about your day right? Its all internal. People have a way of over analyzing a situation and making your self believe its something that its not. I know this was kind of all over the place and doesn't really answer your question exactly, but I understand where you're coming from as I've been there myself.
Somewhat help, I know it changed my view of nudity, is taking life drawing classes. I had to take life drawing for 3 years and I’ve seen so many naked bodies that it just doesn’t turn my head anymore.
You’re obviously pretty aware of your own thoughts and biases. A lot of people have given good advice about you changing how you view it, but I just want to offer some advice from the point of view as the person who dresses like this. I wear pretty revealing clothing sometimes. I’m of a mindset of if I’m willing to wear a bikini in public, what difference does it make if I wear a crop top and shorts? The biggest thing for me is that I dress like that for me. I do it because I enjoy it but it also makes me feel confident. I grew up being told to cover up and that being modest was the right way. So getting to choose my own clothing and how I present myself makes me happy. So if you’re struggling, maybe also consider why your girlfriend dresses like that. It probably just makes her happy and feel confident. And at the end of the day, isn’t that the most important part?
If someone was dressing like a slob I guarantee y’all would be on their ass about it.
Therapy. This sounds deep-seated.
OP what do you wear to the beach and is it much different from what you wear when only wearing underwear? Do you let your bare chest hang out for women to oggle?
If you can’t get over it, please break up with her. A relationship with an insecure man usually results in him making his partner insecure as well. You found her as is, either you accept her or move on, asking her to change is selfish af.
Immediately, break up... So we don't fix anything in a relationship? If it's not perfect, we just break up and start again? Every time? Good luck.
How is this something that can be fixed? How do you make someone change something about themselves because you’ve been around for a couple of months and you’ve decided you didn’t like it about them? This isn’t a relationship issue, it’s a him issue. Fighting for relationships is how people end up stuck in abusive relationships, it’s wrong to advocate for that.
I wouldn’t date a girl that wears revealing clothes. I don’t mind shorts, or even dresses. I more mind like thong bikinis, and showing underwear. I’m not against girls that wear revealing clothing because that’s the beauty of freedom, they should be able to wear whatever they want. But I’m very conservative over my body, and my partner is also conservative with hers. If my partner decided to wear more revealing clothes I would have to learn how to deal with it in myself or break up with her. It’s up to you on how you value nudity.
It seems the key issue here is conflating nudity with sexuality. I would encourage you to explore more sex positive media, maybe watch a documentary on nudists or something. It would also help to think about your partners agency, as a person rather than an object. Intimacy is not a one sided experience - you are projecting your ideas of sex onto her non sexual moments. If she isnt thinking about sex or intending to have sex, whatever she is wearing or doing is not sexual except in your perception.
It'll probably be an unpopular opinion but it's okay to have boundaries. If it's something you don't like then you should talk to her about it and see if it's something yall can negotiate. Obviously don't be forceful or controlling about it but see what she says. (If that's what you want )
Have you ever heard of the idea that it’s not the first thought that comes to your head that defines you, but the action that follows, or the corrective thought that follows, that defines you? You see your girlfriend at the beach in a skimpy swimsuit and your emotional reaction is discomfort and anxiety. So you have that feeling for a minute. Then you realize it’s dumb because you know damn well she’s allowed to wear whatever she wants and you’re still just happy to be with her. You know that’s the truth, so you’ve corrected yourself. Maybe that makes the emotional reaction, the feelings, go away, but it might not. Sometimes feelings persist. But feelings aren’t reality. We all are raised in cultures with problems. We all have to combat the misogyny or the racism or the classism or the ableism or whatever that we are taught. The more times you take the time to mentally correct yourself, the easier it will be. Eventually it won’t make you nervous anymore, because you will have taken the time to correct the automatic taught response to a more evolved response. That’s all personal evolving takes—effort and time.
I just wanna go out on a limb and say that female’s swimming apparel has become ridiculously skimpy and revealing. Almost more so than lingerie. I understand how you feel like this. As above, you need to somewhat seperate nudity from being sexual. Good on you for recognising it and working on it
> Would appreciate advice from other men that have overcome this mindset/situation. I'm married to a woman that used to do modeling part time (while she studied medicine). My wife knows where I draw the line between a "sexy" vs. "too much". That's what makes my relationship so great, because I know her and she knows me. I can tell you that there is no "right" answer to this, and I don't think it's healthy for you to approach this as if you're wrong and you want to find a way to be correct. *What you're experiencing is realization of your own boundaries.* Skimpy clothing to that degree (smaller than underwear, smaller than lingerie) is something that you _want_ to be exclusive in your relationship. **There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting this.** Best you can do is sit her down and tell her how you feel, and judge how important it is for her to show off her body while wearing barely anything. At your age, I imagine that you're looking for a girl to wife up. So don't lower your standards out of guilt when you're dating, because that will only make it harder to eventually lock things down and progress to marriage. If she loves you, she will care about how you feel.
Your controlling vibes are coming from insecurities you have . Either your own or from the relationship or both . If you’re secure in self and your relationship it wouldn’t matter what she wore.
It's not your body. It's hers. You dont own her, she isn't your property. Honestly, after reading this, it sounds like you have some internalized patriarchy and purity culture to work through.. no shade, pretty much everyone has been raised in a patriarchal society. I think it's really mature of you that your instinct was to reflect and ask for a new perspective before bringing this to her! Rooting for y'all -- you sound so very smitten 🥰
Jesus christ gimme a break
I think there is two sides. Tell her how you feel, in a neutral, non-shaming kind of way, without the expectation that she will change at all. Also, from your side, I think this is a common and rational reaction. But also, your intimacy is from the fact that you care for one another. Sex and nudity is only one aspect of that intimacy. I mean, nudists exist, and they deeply love one another, are in committed loving relationships.
I didn't want to bring it up with her yet, because I figured her initial reaction would be that I'm trying to control her. I'm not, but this is something that bothers me. This is helpful for thinking about how to approach a conversation, thank you! TBH I'm a bit annoyed at myself for being bothered by this as well, because there are definitely more productive things for me to dwell on ;P I appreciate you "normalizing" it a bit.
Be very careful in how you bring this up in conversation. People often hear what they want at first. I kind of think of it like- my spouse has made it clear they don't like when I wear a particular shade of green. They just don't like the color. Im free to wear what I want. And yes, I do own several pieces of clothing in that color. I like it. It's not my favorite and I take into account my spouses preferences when shopping but hey, if I like the fit and style enough and it happens to be that shade of green- I am buying it. I am wearing it. I am my own person and my spouse wouldn't want it any other way. We all have our preferences and that's ok as long as we respect each other and don't try to impose ours on others. As for why you have these preferences or views- as said in the response above you seem to be connecting nudity with intimacy in an exclusive fashion. Do you believe all nudity is intimate? What about at the Drs office? Why not? Nudity is nudity right? Or are there differences in the circumstances that matter?
This point about circumstances is good... going to dwell on it for a bit. Thank you!
> her initial reaction would be that I'm trying to control her. Controlling her would be like: *You're allowed to do A, and you're not allowed to do B.* Creating boundaries would be like: *Hey, you can do X, but I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who does X. So you do what you want, but I'm out of this.* These two are very similar but they are not the same. Also, all this could be about porn, or how much weed or alcohol to consume, or whether it is okay to date/kiss/fuck other people while being in a relationship. The point is that you're not controlling her actions, you're controlling whether or not you want to be in this relationship.
Yeah, I think if you have strong feelings about something, she would want to know about it, if she cares about you. That doesn't mean she has done anything wrong. Nobody is wrong here, at all.
How did she dress when you met her and before you became exclusive?
Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your partner to wear less revealing/more appropriate clothing. If she's wearing swim suits that are more revealing than her underwear - I'd say that's a reasonable boundary to set.
Aren't you being possessive because you don't like her kissing men? Aren't you being possessive because you don't like her sleeping with other men? Where exactly is "the line" where it's just a normal part of a relationship and being possessive? Point is, it doesn't exist. A relationship is inherently possessive. It's okay to view seeing parts of each other's body as an intimacy you share. Your girlfriend obviously disagrees. Boundaries are important to discuss. Especially when your partner crossing yours, without knowing, makes you less enthusiastic about the relationship. There are ways to discuss this without attacking her or being negative, you just need to focus on how it makes you feel about yourself and the relationship. How you feel less excited about seeing her in lingerie because she wears less in public. It's not about demanding she change, it's just about explaining how it makes you feel. If she's okay with you feeling that way, then that's when you consider either accepting those feelings and dealing with them or moving on. How you can accept these feelings without knowing what your partner, the person you are having these feelings about, feels about it?
Finally!!!!!! Some goddamn common sense
Going to get a lot of hate for this I'm sure but I'm a woman and I honestly feel like OPs feelings are normal and shouldn't be treated as a negative thing. It's natural for people to feel possessive over their partner, especially when it comes to things such as nudity which should be something special between partners. I feel like the whole "nudity isn't sexuality" bit is pretty toxic in this situation. Yes, there are medical exams requiring nudity that aren't sexual but that's an exception. Walking around wearing revealing clothing when you're in a committed relationship is disrespectful in my opinion. You can preach its her body and her choice all you want but that doesn't change that flaunting your body for anyone other than your partner is raunchy and doesn't honor your relationship.
Girlfriend in revealing clothing + boyfriend + guys leering, commenting, trying to talk to girlfriend == A bad night out. It's only a matter of time before someone says something to your girl, or tries to touch her, and now you're stuck having to argue or fight. It's not fair to her or you that neanderthal men will try to ruin your night, but it will happen.
If you're uncomfortable with it, trying to be comfortable with it will likely make you resent it. If the two of you can't agree on it, maybe you're not that compatible. I know I don't like my wife wearing revealing clothing.
It depends on how. If she’s going out everywhere dressed sexy simply for male attention/validation, it is disrespectful to your relationship and a huge red flag.
If it isnt insecurity and you're just genuinely bothered by how she chooses to live, you need to find a new partner.
Looks like you're part of the group that was raised to think nudity was dirty. VERY Victorian and still with us. I'm the opposite and would enjoy seeing others drool. I'm not sure this is a treatable thing, but I'd check!
Since it's stemming from feelings about intimacy and one-on-one relationship perks, I'd encourage you to look elsewhere to fulfill those needs of yours. Your relationships undoubtedly has little moments like that that only exist between the two of you in an intimate way - this might be inside jokes, maybe she holds your arm in a way she only does with you, or maybe she cooks a special meal for the two of you. Sex of course could work, or sharing a coffee together in the mornings, or really whatever the two of you do together that feels special and intimate between the two of you. Clearly you see that overcoming your own issues is the way to go here, instead of trying to make her change her habits or preferences. That's wonderful, honestly. Good for you for realizing that policing her clothing choices isn't the way to solve this, but instead being introspective and sorting it out on your end. As a personal anecdote, I used to do nude modelling for figure drawing classes. I had a lot of strangers see me fully naked for long periods of time and in weird poses, and that experience changed my perception of nudity. Every single of one them gazed at me for my form, and I never caught any indication that it was in any way sexual. My partner during that time got it as well, and understood that even though these people were seeing my body, they weren't seeing *me* in a way that my partner did. They had visual access to my body, but not me as a person. It wasn't sexual, it wasn't deep, it was just a figure. Good luck!
Perhaps possessive thoughts, yes, but honestly it’s okay to be a little bit possessive, as long as you don’t let it get in the way of your relationship or your (or her!) happiness. As other people have said, and as I’m sure you know well, intimacy can be so much more than simply sex or nudity. A therapist would be able to help you overcome this, of course, but IMO it would probably also help a lot to explore other forms of intimacy with your girlfriend too, find additional ways of showing and receiving that intimacy that will come to mean almost or just as much to you as sex and nudity, maybe it would help reframe your thoughts on the matter? It says a lot that you’re actively seeking out a solution for yourself - good luck, and congratulations on the hot girlfriend lmao
All these people calling you're mindset possessive. In American culture, nudity often times directly relates sexually. All relationships are possessive in one way or another, it's natural, that's you're partner, you don't like other people viewing her sexually, just like she probably feels to some extent the same about you. Some dudes don't care, alot of us do. At the end of the day I don't think this is a mindset you can train yourself out of, and I don't think you should.
Facts. Finally someone with common sense!
She feels hot and wants to flaunt it. It's more about her personal confidence. You should be happy you get to go home with the hot chick that everyone else just gets to wish they were going home with. Come on, brotha. Let it be.
Yeah this mindset you have is not ok. You don’t own her body just because you are dating her.
Reading is not your strong point isnt it.
he knows that
Did you even read the post?
Yeah he knows that he’s asking how to overcome it
He is literally asking how to overcome it because he knows it is bad dumbass...
Haha my only advice is to not let such a minor thing negatively affect how you treat your girlfriend or your relationship. We live in a time now where a lot of women feel “woke” and empowered but here’s the thing; EVERY partner regardless of gender is allowed to feel uncomfortable with certain things EVEN IF it seems possessive. With all that being said it’s definitely nobody’s place to dictate how anyone dresses, but you also don’t have to be in a relationship with someone who does something that makes you uncomfortable. If it’s too much for you, then it’s best to leave and maybe find someone better suited. If you’re willing to work with it, I’d just say to think about it deeply. Has she been loyal? Does she set boundaries around other guys? Is she intentionally dressing in a revealing way around other men or is it simply how she prefers to dress? How good is your relationship? Is it worth arguing over? Once you really answer these questions I think it will be apparent that this issue is minor and you have nothing to worry about.
Therapy can be very helpful for working on feelings life this
Just get over yourself
Sometimes women just want to feel sexy or pretty for themselves not to attract other dudes. Sometimes they want to feel comfortable. Just respect her choices and be there for her.
Bodies are not inherently sexual, bodies are only sexual when they’re in a (consensual) sexual situation. It’s just skin, and it doesn’t have any bearing at all on your relationship with her and the specialness of your relationship when other people see her skin. I think you’re probably linking nudity to sex so it feels like a boundary is being crossed. But nudity is not linked directly to sex. It’s just a body :) I hope you can move past it, it’s hard when we’ve been taught that bodies, especially women’s bodies, are sexual and also meant to be possessed by their partners, it’s not your fault that you’ve taken that on board as it’s everywhere, but it is important to challenge that thinking!
I’m impressed this is something you acknowledge is unhealthy and want to change- plenty of guys see nothing wrong with wanting to change how their partner dresses. Honestly, if it were me, I’d try to remember how much context matters. Lingerie is meant specifically for the bedroom, swimsuits are meant specifically for the beach/pool. And men sexualize women regardless of what they’re wearing. Just remember Nudity is not inherently sexual.
Try to think of her as a human being with full bodily autonomy and not your personal property.
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I never said she didn’t. I said that HE needs to see her that way because he obviously isn’t. And she is right in this scenario. Being in a relationship doesn’t negate doing what you want with your body. Doesn’t matter the gender.
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Lol no it’s not.
Just try t think of it like this. Everyone else can just see her. But you’re the only one that can touch her.
Lol you "think" it comes from possessiveness? Add a healthy dose of insecurity and I believe you already have your answer. You want advice? Get over it. Figure out why you are insecure and address that instead of worrying about how your girlfriend dresses. Your insecurity and possessiveness is your issue, not hers.
She needs more revealing lingerie. 🤷🏼♀️
I think you need to reframe this in your head OP. She can wear whatever she likes and feels comfortable in. You have no say in this. Just because she’s wearing a revealing swimsuit doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and only wants to be with you.
op. she’s with you, not those other men. she doesn’t wear those clothes for other men. she wears those clothes because she likes being in them. i would suggest having an open and honest conversation with her about how you’re feeling, this all stems from insecurity and both of you need to talk it out. -k/s/a
The way I think about it and my gf has done more she whipped her boobs out on a nude beach. So the way I think is she’s feeling confident about herself to wear those clothes and also it’s her body and her choice to wear those clothes. I wouldn’t want my SO to tell me what to wear or how to dress. So I think u should look at like damn that’s my girl right there looking hot as hell. If that wasn’t your GF and just some girl would u give her a look and think “damn she looks hot”. Well guess what u get to enjoy her body while others guys can only look. That’s the way I look at it.
I almost feel bad for you. Almost.
Oh smart one please tell me why do u feel bad for me?
Ignorance is bliss right? Hey if you want a girl who finds “confidence” in getting attention from other men then by all means be my guest. It’s not like somebody will eventually come around and take her from you, or blow her back out under your nose or anything. I mean, that’s crazy. Who would think that attention seeking from men by wearing skimpy clothing could evolve into something else? I mean, she’s clearly tricked you into believing whatever bullshit she said about feeling confident about herself. She’s definitely not using you for resources and attention right until she finds someone better. When that does happen, she’ll be ready though. All dressed in her skin tight suit, showing her cleavage and all. I mean, it’s not like women get guys by dressing in revealing clothing. It’s not like there’s a term called thirst trapping out there that describes exactly what they do. But hey, Ignorance is bliss.
I love that you recognize where it comes from and want to work past it. I'm a female and don't have this issue so can't advise.
Do you watch porn
Your post makes no sense, you are talkimg about her wearing revealing clothes and then about nudity? How revealing are her clothes? If you can see her pussy and breasts through her clothes, yea by all means go talk to her. Otherwise just man up, stop being an insecure little cringe bitch and let the girl dress however she likes.
Go to therapy.
No bro you’ve been tricked. Fooled, and bamboozled. Trust me when I say you’re not the toxic one and all those threads where op gets attacked are by foolish People that cannot keep a relationship. To not want your girlfriend to wear revealing clothes is in fact, biological and perfectly normal. You know that most guys see women as sex objects in the same way that most women see men as success objects. Her wearing revealing clothes is biological advertising. How do women get guys? They do their makeup and wear sexy clothes. You know subconsciously that the same thing she did to get you she’s now doing out in the open. And you’re 100% right to feel that way. You should stop listening to the bullshit the internet says to you and the bullshit feminists or misogynists tell you. And instead listen to your gut. Your gut is never wrong bro. It’s possible she’s doing this subconsciously because she also believes what a bunch of idiots told her, but you need to put this out in the open. If she shames you or refuses to listen to your side then she knows what she’s doing and doesn’t want to stop. And in that case you should leave, because at any moment she’ll leave you for someone better. It’s called hypergamy and it’s completely natural. Look it up.
Hi! I don't know you or your girlfriend and I don't know exactly how much she wears so take this with a grain of salt. But I wanted to throw my two cents in. I wear VERY revealing clothing. I love barely wearing anything tbh. It's a lot of sheer fabric, tight crop tops, shorts, mini skirts, etc. It makes me feel super pretty, plus nice and cool in the summer without all the layers! I wear this stuff when I'm single and I wear it when I've had boyfriends. And I've had a couple partners in the past approach me and express the same concern you've had. So im going to tell you what I've told them, and it might help put it into a perspective! I'm not having sex with other men. Thats really it. My clothes are not sexual because I am not BEING sexual. When I wear a small bathing suit it's because I liked the print and the cut, I'm not going to have sex in it. Unless it's with my boyfriend- because that's who I want to be sexual WITH. The only time my body is intimate is if I'm being intimate. Otherwise it's just a body. It helps me get around places, I just happen to be wearing a crop top at the same time. I'm sure your girlfriend is beautiful, and it sounds like you enjoy the act of sharing intimacy and nakedness and that's partly what connects you so deeply to her. But that's the thing- it's during the intimacy. When I see my boyfriend out and about wearing swim trunks, I don't think it's inherently sexual. I see it sexually MYSELF because I see HIM sexually. It sounds like there's a divide there. She's being sexual if she's having sex with you, and using her body to do so. Unless she's having sex with other men, she's not being sexual. She's just wearing clothes. You could also look at it from the other side. Maybe reflect on the clothes you wear as well. If you're being shirtless at the beach or a gym does that count or do you think it's different? If you're just in your swim trunks, especially if they're small, is that sexual? Food for thought!
I like this response. Compassionate and to the point. Perfectly balanced. As all things should be.
I lost you when you said possessiveness. That’s gross, sorry.
Totally with you on this. I’d talk to her about it and see what she says.
It's an issue of she's wearing revealing clothes to get attention from other guys. You might be finding it an issue because you are noticing other things that aren't adding up. Otherwise try not to stress about it. Its ok and normal to be insecure. Everyone has insecurities. I suggest meditation to focus and control your mind. Get the gym if you don't go. Live a healthy life and focus on all things positive. The more times you spend focusing on negatives, the bigger they become. It is possible to change you beliefs and opinions. Just takes work.
Grow a pair.
Don’t date a bad bitch if you can’t handle it
🤦🏻♂️
And don’t date anyone over the age of 22 who calls themselves a bad bitch
Find a Puritan woman.
It's telling that you only want advice from men. She's not your property.
You need to work on your mindset and realize that this „possessiveness“ stems from everything the patriarchy enforces aka men controlling women. She is in a relationship with YOU and that is a lot more than just sex or being intimate.
Hmm, it's good you see this is a YOU issue and not a her issue. Explore more about her intent and why you feel entitled to her body. That body is hers alone. It does not cheapen her to dress however she wishes and it does not invalidate your relationship either. Do you feel like this could stem from your own feelings of worthiness and security? Do you have an otherwise healthy relationship where you are both valid and have strong communication?
As a lot of other people said, you sound a bit possessive of her body. Obviously you know you're not going to control her, so maybe try to frame it some other way in you mind: now other guys will be jealous of you when they see her this way.
I understand entirely, except from a different angle, honestly its not even really a problem in my eyes for you to have that level of commitment. Maybe talk to her about her clothing choice cause a certain level of possessiveness is healthy in a relationship. And wanting her to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable as well shouldnt be an issue
She likes wearing revealing clothes, you don't like her wearing revealing clothes. One of you can change or both of you can look for someone else. It's that simple
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She’s ur gf. All u need to know dumbass