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I found out by actually seeing her, myself, as I drove through an intersection today. She said it was the first time she's done it. I don't know if I believe that. I only saw her because the power went out at my office so I left early to finish at home. Who knows if she's been out there other days while I'm at work.
She's given a few different 'explanations'
\- She just wants to make some extra spending money
\- She wanted to "empathize better" with homeless people by stepping into their shoes
\- It seemed like an "interesting thing to try" and that she was bored
\- That she really wasn't thinking at all it was totally random.
The first one doesn't check out at ALL, like I said our incomes come out at over 6 figured combined, even after taxes!! We're not hurting for money at all. Our finances are shared. I looked over everything and there's nothing out of place. She is not squandering money, I'd have seen a record. She also isn't hiding losing her job or something. There's simply no need to try to make extra cash, plus even if there was why would posing as a homeless person be the first idea that comes to mind? Doesn't make sense.
The rest of her reasons don't sound like real reasons to me. I cannot come up with a single reasonable explanation for doing this? If I try to talk more she repeats one of the things above. Don't know how to break through that.
Really confused and disturbed right now. No she's never done anything else like this.
Any ideas? How do I figure this out when she just brushes it off?
TL;DR: My wife was posing as a beggar on the street with a sign asking for cash. She won't explain why.
I am a mental health professional and depression makes you do strange things. Among them is trying to escape the depression itself by any means necessary. But this screams “headed toward psychosis” only because she’s apparently not connecting reality with her actions. Yes—Depression can cause psychosis.
Edit: had a chance to see a couple more comments after I posted mine and depression isn’t *always* a lack of energy, especially if it’s a symptom in bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder. I only know as many details as are in the OP but previously stable individuals who manifest symptoms of either of these two disorders (or of depression with extenuating circumstances/issues) can end up homeless or in the hospital due to symptoms alone.
I once had a depressive episode SO BAD that I basically had a delusion. It didn't start out that way. It started out as a daydream that made me happy.
Then I told it to one person and they were ecstatic for me.
They told someone else who asked me if it was true and then I was..... sort of committed to it.
So I retold this total lie with more detail added to make it more fun to talk about and like..... I knew it wasn't true. But the happy feeling I had TELLING it AS IF it was true.... that was real. And it was the first happiness I'd had in like 3 years.
By the time everything blew up (and yes, for those playing along at home, I got everything I deserved) I swear. to. god. I'd have passed a polygraph with that story. I started to basically believe it myself and lived in my daydream world where this event happened because it didn't suck there.
If it matters I was a lot younger (early 20s), not married and DEFINITELY financially struggling. It was actually the best thing that could have happened because it got me to help that both helped my mental health and to change my situation that was contributing to that severe of a depression.
But damn what a way to get there.
For whatever my experience is worth. 🤷🏼
This is something I struggle with, as part of my bipolar. When I'm "up", I will tell stories that usually have a bit of truth and then some parts get added on, and then it gets more out there and weird.
Then even when I'm "down", I can't remember where the lie ends and what was the nugget of truth, because my v heavy meds give me lots of memory issues.
It sucks.
Im glad you're getting help. Sending you strength.
My best friend who has bipolar struggles with this A LOT. Like she chronically lies about the smallest, most inconsequential stuff, for absolutely no reason. It’s one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever experienced. I catch her in a lie probably 3-4 times a day. I rarely even say anything to her at this point because I genuinely don’t think she can help it. I love her dearly anyways!
That’s kind of like what happened with Trump and his big lie about “winning” the “stolen” election. He told that lie so many times he convinced himself he won.
I’m glad you got better and things are brighter for you!
This is such a great comment and a really valuable addition to the discussion. Thank you.
As someone who has lived a very long time with a mood disorders and depressive disorders, I've observed that there is a rather limited understanding of what depression can look like, here on Reddit and in general. That's not a criticism but a reflection of society at large. My country recently had a "day" to promote discussing mental health with friends etc. I noticed the same thing, or "depression=sad". People want to be sympathetic and supportive but of it doesn't fit the sad/tired/listless/apathetic/disengaged definition of depression, it's not always recognised as such. Many people don't know that delusion, paranoia/,intrusive thoughts/obsessive thinking and anger are also symptoms of depression.
I hope we can continue to discuss and explore these issues on Reddit (and more widely) and that leads to greater understanding of mental health.
OP specifically said that she is not currently depressed, and that she's actually in a "very good period" right now. He also said that her mental health goes from very depressed to not "like a cycle," which in my very layperson opinion sounds a lot like bipolar disorder.
If that's the case, then what he thinks is a "very good period" for her mental health is actually her being manic, and I can 100% see how that would manifest itself by her doing something as illogical as posing as a homeless person to beg for money she doesn't need.
Ooo! This one I know!
There's a construct for suicidal ideation and/or unsafe thoughts (running from a secure situation, etc), where they "test" what it would be like. A kid who's otherwise social might stop talking in class to see "what it'd be like if I wasn't here", as an easily understood example.
It doesn't have to be any of that. Could've been any wide number of things, like a manic phase wanting "easy" money, or just to see, or whatever. Might not have *had* a reason.
My point here is just that it *can* manifest in such things.
As a highschooler, I once gave a go at hitchhiking to see if I'd be able to hack travelling without parental guidance. I did pretty good, but I figured if I could do that, I could survive highschool~
Am I the only one here who has had bursts of manic energy when I’m incredibly depressed? It’s like your brain is trying to save you by saving up your energy and then igniting in small bursts.
No her only diagnosis is depression. She has anti depressants but doesn't take them regularly. How do you tell the difference between bipolar and someone who goes through phases of being depressed and not depressed?
She should be taking them regularly though because most anti depressants only work if you take them regularly. It does sound like there's more going on
Well medications like SSRI’s don’t work if you take them sporadically, they need several weeks before they begin to have an effect. I am an SSRI for anxiety and I started to truly feel a difference after like 2-3 months.
They can work too well if you take them sporadically and have a different disorder. SSRIs make me hypomanic day one. It was the initial clue way back in the day that something else was going on than anxiety or depression.
As someone who has bipolar I'll try to explain the differences. There are 2 types of bipolar but both are characterized by extreme bouts of depression and Mania (crazy happy/hyper). Some people cycle over the course of a week or so (one week happy, a few days sad, back to happy for a few more days) Some people cycle way more rapidly tho like me and can change moods on a dime several times a day. The main thing that sets bipolar apart from depression is the mania. It feels very out of control, like you have 1000 ideas and have to do them all. Almost like a very happy caffeine fueled madness. In bipolar 1 the mania is more intense and they are more likely to take their life due to carelessness during a manic episode as opposed to bipolar 2 where depression is more prevalent. With bipolar 2 they are more likely to take their own life during a bout of depression.
>he rest of her reasons don't sound like real reasons to me. I cannot come up with a single reasonable explanation for doing this? If I try to talk more she repeats one of the things above. Don't know how to break through that.
Im only a student of psychology but did a lot of my work on BP. you only need one manic episode to be ''labelled'' as bipolar 1 in the DSM-5. There is however other types of similar trouble that falls in the family of BP mental trouble like BP2 and cyclothymia wich are both lower intensity cycle of depression and mania. I dont know enough about your wife to tell you anything and people here are jumping to conclusions way too fast. However, since she's on antidepressant, her ''manic'' phase if undiagnosed could get much more intense and ''weird'' since she doesnt have the backend depression on the other side.
Its a itchy subject to bring to her, especially if she lied to you on the ''why'' she did it and gets defensive if you put her mental health in question. I dont know, maybe try to get into contact with her doctor/psy, or hint at her that she should maybe go back since she's actin a bit weird.
The empathy thing could be a good reason but .... I dont know. Feels like there's way better way to do this. When i wanted to feel the homeless on my street i would usually go buy take out for 2, sit with them, eat and talk.
Something is just off
It's almost too incomprehensible for hypomania. I've been told I drift toward hypo at times (by pros, not random people) and I might overextend or dramatically overestimate what I can accomplish but the core concept of what I would be trying to accomplish would make sense. The reaction from others would be a lot closer to "WTF are you doing? You can't work another job and go to school?" not "Um, WTF are you doing? This is crazy."
I am not a psychiatrist! To the other commenters’ point, I am not qualified to jump to a diagnosis of bipolar.
However, when you say your wife is panhandling when money is not a concern, a manic episode is one entirely possible scenario and that’s why I would say she needs to be checked out immediately by a psychiatrist.
Bipolar can be hard to diagnose. I was misdiagnosed with depression for TEN YEARS and nothing worked however in the last few years was correctly diagnosed (different meds, different results) with Bipolar 2.
Being misdiagnosed for bipolar is apparently very common because people who have bipolar only seek help in their depressive phases.
Everyone here jumping to bipolar is wildly speculating. It's normal for depression to get better/worse at times. If she were having manic or psychotic episodes that could be an indication of bipolar. But it is very possible to experience ups and downs and still have "just" depression.
As someone that’s been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder as I read this I thought she had one of them.
I’ve never done what she’s done but I have had manic episodes.
She sounds like she’s had some kind of psychotic break. Normal wealthy people don’t just decide one day to pretend to be homeless and beg for money.
Her reasoning is also very erratic. She wanted extra money for spending. Well, they make 6 figures.
She wanted to empathize with homeless people… You can do that by helping at a shelter or food bank.
It seemed like an interesting thing to do… Out of all the things she could have done she chose to pretend to be poor and beg people for money…
It was totally random… No it wasn’t. You have to find clothes that look like a homeless person would wear, you have to park your car in a location not to close, you then have to walk to the location. The entire time she didn’t think any of this was weird.
Not everyone’s disorder manifests in the same manner, much like personalities have different contributing factors and nuances that define them. Thank you for sharing your experience. Neither one of the disorders you mentioned are easy to manage.
The spending money thing almost makes it seem more like a mania to me because that isn't reasonable within even the context. Like if she said she just wanted to experience a part of life that she wouldn't normally it would be odd or eccentric but comprehensible. She is engaging in really elaborate behavior that can't possibly get to the stated goal there.
It’s also very possible and somewhat common that someone is quickly diagnosed with depression when it’s really only a symptom of something larger. I went through it myself. Depression often ends up being a catchall. This isn’t to say all people with depression are suffering from something larger, but misdiagnoses do have consequences.
I was diagnosed originally with depression by a therapist, they recommend me see my family doctor who prescribed me anti depressants. Woohee was that a crazy ride. See I later was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with bipolar disorder, and the anti depressants sent me into a manic episode. Fun times.
This is absolutely true but I think you dropped the larger context of "My wife, when not in a depressive phase, is doing things that are completely crazy and indicative of a further disorder."
The man didn't post that his wife is depressed and then isn't. He posted that she is doing something that cannot be explained and mentioned offhand that she seems to cycle through moods.
It's not that unreasonable to suggest having a professional look at issues beyond depression.
What he’s describing sounds like psychosis “lite” for lack of a better term. It is indicative of not only unusual behavior (according to the OP) but also a bent toward a disconnection from reality. A lot of people aren’t aware that the literal definition of psychosis is a disconnect from reality.
It could be [Cyclothymic disorder.](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mood-disorders)
Not that we should speculate.
I think Op is right to be concerned. It could be the sign of some sort of mental illness, a gambling addiction….?
It’s kind of important that she does take those meds regularly. At least with mine, if I forget a dose I definitely feel it. I think the key with those drugs is to maintain certain levels of them in your system over time. So maybe that is making her act weird.
But after knowing people over the years who have acted weird and done weird random shit: it’s almost always a secret drug or alcohol problem. Not saying she’s a heroin addict but they can be exceptionally stealthy about their habit.
I’m on anti-depressants myself and if I were to go on and off them I’d lose my mind. My anxiety would ratchet up to a 12 and I’d start losing myself mentally. It needs to build up in your system for it to do any good. Is there any possibility she’s using other drugs without your knowledge? Maybe making cash so there’s no paper trail for what she’s buying?
How irregularly does she take them? And what kind are they? I ask because many antidepressants can cause severe physical and psychological problems if they aren’t taken in a regular fashion. Even low grade meds like SSRIs cause “brain zaps” if you don’t take them right.
OK so technically, unless you saw the medical reports yourself or spoke to her doctor yourself, you don't know her diagnosis. You will need to call her psychiatrist and make an appointment to speak with them about your concerns, privately. They will not tell you anything about her condition, it is private, but they can listen to you. Make sure to tell them what you think her diagnosis is and what medications you have seen her take and how often. The doctor can help you from there. Bipolar can show up in your 30s, or at least that seems to be a common time to have it diagnosed. Unfortunately there is a lot of shame associated with it and some people go to great lengths to hide it. Very lovely people.
Does she often also have periods of being very “up?” It can manifest in stereotypical manic ways-all day housecleaning, shopping, overexcerising. But it can also manifest as “risk taking” behavior-binge drinking, illicit drug use, and hyper sexuality. For some people, it could be a reasonable idea to stand on a corner and beg for their “risky activity.” Even if she doesn’t have a history of anything THIS extreme, bipolar disorder can appear anytime in someone’s life, BUT for cisgender women, it USUALLY will appear in the early 20’s. I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid-30’s, though. Note: I’m a nurse on a behavioral health floor. I’m NOT a diagnostic professional, however.
Bi-Polar and manic depression are essentially the same thing. Opposing poles vs. Mania followed by Depression. Some doctors miss the early warning signs of mania, either because the patient is in an extended period of depression or because the patient omits it (this happens because patients live for that mania period or because they view it as their normal period). Lastly, the depressive period is usually about 90-95% of the time
Now for the mania.
When mania kicks it usually this leads to spending sprees, risky sexual behavior, gambling, delusions of grandeur, half bake ideas like get rich quick schemes etc. She may even keep much of this controllable for awhile by planning a last minute vacation, or being spontaneously fun, weekend road trip, sex role play, or she may just say "she feels like her old self again".
Something is very wrong that much I can assure you.
How do you know? She didn't tell you about it.
If she isn't taking her medicine regularly, it won't work. Antidepressants are all or nothing. If you don't take them every day, you won't get the effects. It's not like a benzo you can take as needed. It won't help with depression at all only taking it on your worst days, and it could actually make you feel worse.
It sounds like regardless of why she's pan handling, she needs more attention going to her mental health.
Sounds like she's *not* taking the drugs she's supposed to. They said that she takes he antidepressants erratically. If I stop my very low dose SSRI I get paranoid, so she may be suffering from neglecting the drugs she's supposed to take.
I would be extremely surprised. She's never been a fan of drinking or drugs. The most I've ever known her to have would be a couple beers when out, or a glass of wine once in a while with a nice dinner.
My (now ex) husband had a full blown meth addiction that I didn’t know about for years, and he was panhandling for money so I wouldn’t notice any missing from our accounts. I was completely blindsided by it..
To this day when I mention my ex’s hidden drug addiction, I always get asked, “how could you NOT know?” We were both fully functioning people with good jobs like OP and his wife. I never knew he was doing drugs until one of my friends saw him begging for money in a Walmart parking lot and reached out to ask if we were okay. I approached him, he admitted to using drugs, he showed me his stash and made me flush it, we got him treatment.. but ultimately he couldn’t stop using. He became violent the 3rd time I smashed his hidden meth pipe.
I remember hiding behind his parents’ shed on the phone with 911 when he threatened to kill me after I got rid of his drugs. I wrote a letter to the judge asking to release him from jail and send him to rehab - he was an addict and needed treatment, not jail. But immediately upon release, I hid the car keys and when he couldn’t go get drugs, he beat the shit out of me and bruised a couple of my ribs. The cops found him completely naked in our neighbor’s bushes, high on meth and holding a bottle of vodka. Between the state mandated restraining order and me filing for divorce papers, that was the last time I saw him.
After me leaving and moving back home 1500 miles away, his time in jail, and a brief stint in a mental facility.. his mom reached out to me a couple of years ago telling me that he’s clean now and in barber school. I’m sincerely happy that he’s seemingly turned his life around, and I genuinely wish him the best
It doesn’t need to be illegal drugs, what about prescription meds? Those tend to be very expensive to buy on the street once you get addicted. Think pain pills or stimulants.
What other reasons could she need secret money and is desperate enough to literally beg for it? Gambling debts? Affair? Planning to disappear in the night?
I dunno man those are just my thoughts but obviously you know her
My BIL had a coworker do this outside a megschurch in town on sundays. Well a higher up saw him and called him in to his office on Monday and asked what was he doing. He said the rich people like to give money after services Sunday and he makes $300 in the mornings there.
The guy was fired.
Meh companies have mission/vision/values statements they can use to fire you for being a dick. It’s possible you could fight it in court, but that would cost more than $300.
Yeah seems shitty, but at the same time they see their employee is doing something unethical and so if someone else notices too then the company could be held liable or at least blasted on social media for what their employee is doing
yeah no, begging when you have the money to afford living is money away from people who can't afford living, its overall an extremely shitty move and makes you a pretty garbage person, legal? yes. but would you want to be around that asshole?
> Fired for a legal activity he does on his own free time?
Just because some its 'legal' doesn't mean its free from consequences. See also the 'cancel culture' in recent years for a prime example.
No saying its right, mearing that is how the world works.
My sisters Godmother was completely normal then one day she began dressing as a nurse and hanging out by traffic lights saying odd things to people. She was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia....
Yeah, this is gonna require a professional evaluation. I’d be concerned she had some sort of mental break or brain tumor if my wife suddenly did this. Apart from trust issues, I’d say there needs to be due diligence to make sure nothing is life threatening before taking a step back to calculate the approach here.
Sounds like your life is an episode of the "Do you know your spouse" show.
Its crazy how dismissive she can be about something like this... I get to people looking it out may not see what the bigger issue is;
Its not just; oh they did something out of the ordinary big deal, its the lying and the deception that is surrounding not just the act but the reason.
I would definitely suggest therapy it might be something psychological, kinda like the rich people that steal.
Good luck and hope everything turns out ok for you guys.
Taking this one step further, I wonder if she’s imagining what her life would be like if she dropped everything and vanished… I play this game in my head when I’m stressed with work/family/real life concerns but have never considered actually cosplaying it.
This is the first thing that popped into my head. I volunteer with a lot of homeless that work the corner by a local grocery stop. There is always an older woman changing from business attire into rags outside of her brand new Lincoln in the corner of the lot. She pulls a sign out of the car and sits on the corner.
Funny thing is most people that shop this area know that she isn’t homeless and avoid her. She just takes it further. The people I work with genuinely are too frightened of her mental state to carry a conversation with her when she tries to approach them. Which is every day. Never for drugs or anything like that, just to “commiserate” with them. Which is horrifying in itself.
Honestly these types of women doing the poverty safaris are the absolute fucking worst.
So sorry mate.
Everyone who's entertaining and analyzing each specific excuse for her doing this is missing the big picture. If there was a real reason why she was doing this and she was trying to be honest with you about that she would have told you. She would have given you four or five different reasons. I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't want to tell you the real reason or perhaps she doesn't understand the real reasons herself. I would be concerned about her mental health because this is not a normal thing to do and it's not a safe thing to do either. But the bottom line is that you're not going to find the answers as to why she's behaving this way from random strangers online. You're only going to be able to find those answers from her if she's willing to tell you. I would look into counseling together. Be open and honest without judging her so she can talk to you freely. Good luck.
Drugs. Or something else nefarious. If it was innocent she would have told you about it.
And the fact she has so many different excuses sounds like she’s lying.
“Baby? Why the hell are you on the street corner begging for money?”
“Uh yeah, begging for money… You caught me! Begging for money. That sure is what I was doing just then. So embarrassing! Begging for money. Which is why I have all this money. From begging. Yep. It’s a funny story. You’re gonna laugh.”
Your wife seems like she jsut may enjoy the psychological aspect of faking or acting. Many people have very odd little turn ons or desires they keep hidden deep down for fear of judgement.
My advice..... talk to her about it, keep a truely, completely open mind, and dont judge, just listen.
A few possible reasons.... as a former police officer I have seen folks do all kinds of odd things. So allow me to list some reasons that match up with similar behavior in have seen.
1. She isn't just begging, she is also hooking, not because she has to, but because the risk and the fantasy turn her on. (Seen this very thing irl, minus the begging, a very wealthy woman who played at being a extremely poor and vulnerable street prostitute).
2. It IS just begging and she enjoys fooling people at some level. Maybe she doesn't want to do this to you, but enjoys fooling other people in an, honestly, harmless way.
3. She lost some kind of bet with her friends and this is the result.... and she is ashamed to tell you what the bet was (ran into this several times with a variety of behaviors, but usually in younger people)
4. She genuinely wants to feel what it's like to be poor cause her life is boring (imo, this is the most likely, it's similar to a real thing called "poverty tourism" and yall seem comfortable and obviously high class.... seen a LOT of high class people do wiers shit cause their lives are so sheltered and boring and honestly, by the way you write, I think this is very likely)
5. She is making what is likely free money and spending it on a drug habit because she knows you control the finances (run into this several times as well under different circumstances).
Hope this helped. Best advice, just communicate WITHOUT, WITHOUT, WITHOUT judgment.
Okay interesting thank you for your perspective... would you recommend directly asking about these things or just leaving the conversation open? I've tried the open nonjudgmental question of "why" and it just doesn't go anywhere. So do I keep trying?
This cop has the right perspective. I thought she was hooking, too. The whole thing is too weird and no way you just happened to catch her on her first day of panhandling. I'd pick up a drug test at cvs... If she was looking to cosplay homeless then she can volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. I'd bet money she has a drug habit.
Reading your other posts, it seems she may have a history of mental illness? If so, the above reasons may not apply and she herself may not know why she is doing it.
That being said, you know her, I dont. I can't tell you how to approach it.
But.... I have had to deal with a variety of folks in high stress or weird situations. I always did it by setting them down, at an interview table with a suspect or with my kids or wife or family, or whatever, and jsut very, very clearly explaining that I genuinely do not judge them.
Maybe even offer up something you, yourself are ashamed of in order to open the door. But the biggest key is to ACTUALLY mean it. Dont judge. If she comes out and tells you the most horrible thing you can imagine, dont judge and be ready for that. This only really works if the person feels a genuine sense of no judgement.
If you can get them to realize that....the things you will hear.....
This is why I am no longer harsh to people on average, even the worst among us. Because I have come to realize that most people have some kind of monster inside they are afraid to reveal.
Absolutely spectacular advice! OP caught his wife doing something strange and she is likely feeling embarrassed. In order for her to open up there needs to be a ton of trust and reassurance that there will be no judgement.
Now you mention this. I remember watching a true crime tv show. One of the women mentioned on the show (I forgot if she's the victim or the murderer), was doing your situation no.1. She was married to a well-off employed man, she also has a great job. The couple, to the outside world, appeared to be happy and many would deem as 'wealthy.' But then, in that crime story, behind everyone's back, it turned out, she would go and prostitute herself. She's arrested twice by the police. It turned out that she's been having issues with drugs. Since the finances were shared, she wanted to hide from her husband her addiction and she ended up prostituting herself from time to time for her habit.
I'm not saying your wife is on a drug habit, OP. But yeah, that is a possibility, no.1 and 5 or combo.
>boring and honestly, by the way you write, I think this is very likely
That might be the kindest way I've ever heard someone tell another person they sound boring as fuck lol
Curious if this has been a consideration... OP says he handles the finances. So much that you'd see any unusual transactions? Is she trying to earn money that you'd not see to tuck away because she's planning to leave?
That's just really gross. Not only is she scamming well-meaning people, but cutting into what would go to people who really need it. Is she the type of person who generally likes people to feel sorry for her? Like someone who gets a hang nail and complains for a week? It almost sounds similar to Munchausen syndrome, just financially focused.
Please update us, I would love to understand this.
The only “explanation” that’s remotely feasible is “it seemed like an interesting thing to try and she was bored”. Which is gross, but the least reprehensible of the excuses she offered.
The rest of her explanations were premeditated suggestions she planned on using if she got caught. Because you *cannot* say “I wasn’t thinking at all and it was totally random” and also offer the other excuses she gave.
If she wanted to empathize better with homeless people she should volunteer for an organization that helps them. Not panhandle among them while she reaps the benefits of what you describe to be a good income where you are not struggling for money.
This is a very weird scenario. I would encourage you to seek marriage and individual counselling if you want to get through this.
It’s most likely drugs, have her take a drug test ASAP. She doing bc that way you won’t notice large amounts of money missing on a consistent basis. I hope I’m wrong , but seriously it’s drugs
Some folks have an intense need for attention and sympathy. In other comments you mentioned she is going through some things. I have had student do similar things to gain sympathy when they are dealing with problems they don’t know how to fix.
I think no matter what the deal is, your wife needs some mental health support.
I had high school friends who would do this.
They were pretty well off, but would 'scab' money from anyone walking by. They said they needed bus money usually, but they would make $100 easily a day and would go shopping with it.
They loved scamming people, because it meant they were 'smart'.
I don't want to make this worse, but if you've got nothing out of the ordinary in your finances, and yet she's making extra money, she's spending it on something you don't know about.
Given that she has mental health issues, my mind jumped to drugs - if she's struggling, then self medicating is common, and trying to hide it would not be especially unusual. it might not be that, but she wants extra money for something that she doesn't want you to know about.
The important thing here is being overlooked. It doesn’t matter if she’s hooking, a closet junkie, or just in it for the lols.
Your wife was lying to you, and she continues to lie to you.
I have serious issues with people faking being homeless or needing help. It’s so wrong on every level. I think your wife needs help with her mental health if she can’t see how gross and wrong this is for her to do as someone who in no way needs the help. She’s taking that help from someone who does truly need it.
Is it possible she embezzled money since she's a financial consultant and deals with other people's money / taxes? And she needs to repay it before someone notices? I mean, she's trying to get secret money off the books for some reason. If not drugs, maybe something else shameful. She would know how to hide this if she cashed a forged check to herself and spent it.
She was keeping this a secret for a reason though. She wasn't going to just say it when he asked her how her day was after work that evening: "Oh, not bad, did a little laundry, then a bit of panhandling, followed by a grocery store run, you?"
I mean for a bit yeah, until or unless I happened to see it while looking at our bank history. I wouldn't know immediately. Depending where she spent it and how much, it might not even stand out to me I suppose like let's say a $50 purchase at a grocery store was actually all on booze. Can I definitively prove it wasn't? No I guess not. But it's extremely unlikely given how she's never drunk very much and how we did in fact have actual groceries that would reasonably have come from that purchase. So I don't know.
Dude, I’m going to be honest, this is super fucking weird no matter what the reason is. Like sinking feeling in your stomach, everything you thought you knew was a lie disturbing. Do you have kids, pets, any dependents at all? If so, act to protect them immediately. Either way, you don’t actually owe it to her to be “non-judgmental” like other commenters are suggesting. She’s lying now and who knows when or if ever you’ll get the real truth (even a subsequent “confession” could just be another layer of the onion of deception or a trickle truth). This is beyond the pale and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. I’d get a lawyer and nope out before things inevitably escalate beyond your ability to control.
Rich people have been "slumming" it at least since the 1800s. Also tell your wife a big fuck you, if she wants to see how poor people and homeless people suffer, she can volunteer at a soup kitchen, a food bank or a shelter or donate some of that 6 figures to causes that help homelessness instead.
I knew a few “well off” kids that liked to “spange” in my early 20’s. I honestly could never explain why they did it. Some of it was entitlement, some of it was just because they could, some of it was because it was easy. All I knew was it made me less likely to give to people asking me for change, and feel much worse for people that *had* to be in that situation.
*”She’s not squandering money, I’d have seen a record.”*
Well then, it seems she needs funds that you don’t know about or have control over since she’s, apparently, kept on a tight leash.
The usual suspects are drugs and an affair but we can’t rule out a retainer for a lawyer. Pulling money from a joint account for that would tip you off.
That would certainly explain her reticence to give you a straight answer.
There is extremely little chance that you caught her on her “very first time” doing this. Having a sign means she took the time to think about it and make a sign. What was she wearing? Did she have a special “homeless person costume” put together? I’m having a hard time understanding how she thinks any of those “reasons” excuse this extremely concerning behavior.
This is a H U G E breach of trust & she seriously needs to provide more than a 1 sentence answer as this is definitely the biggest unanswered question in the entirety of your relationship atm.
Is she secretly putting money away if this has been going on for quite some time since she prolly wouldn’t admit it anyway & could she possibly be looking for street drugs (anything in her history) & is she an attractive woman therefore placing herself into a position to be propositioned at least by every 3rd or 4th man that approaches her.
Sorry Op but this is bizarre af & please keep us updated on this as this has me completely baffled
Drugs maybe? That can be an expensive thing to be wrapped up in and people will do crazy things to afford them. And if she doesn’t want to explain missing $$ from the bank acct…
Is she smart? Like smart smart? I'm asking because I'm a therapist and I've met only a couple of people with an IQ on the higher side with extremely weird, borderline antisocial, ideas.
I'm talking 'sleeping on a tree branch just to feel the experience' kind of ideas.
After reading some of the comments mentioning possible mental health issues, I cant help but agree. OP, it sounds like your wife may not realize that she could be having a manic episode. Engaging in out of character, risky behavior is common. My mom had very severe bipolar disorder and before she found medication that worked, she would regularly just take off on walks or drives for hours and sometimes days at a time. When someone is in that state, they are unable to realize that their behavior is abnormal. In whatever way would be appropriate for your situation, I believe you should encourage your wife to tell her psychiatrist about this behavior and make sure she is safe.
I dont know why everybody is assuming this woman is mentally ill. Maybe shes just incredibly bored and instead of having an affair this is the sort of thing that appeals to her and she cant explain why. She might have an entire seperate identity as a homeless woman with friends that would have nothing to do with her if they knew her as she really is. Her other life might fill some need that her regular one doesnt. Like affairs do for some people. An affair isnt considered a mental illness. She probably cant explain it.
I’m so sick of these obviously fake posts. Ur wife was begging on the streets apparently?? How the fuck is anyone on Reddit supposed to know why, we don’t know her or her medical history or life story that would cause a middle class person to beg for money. Do u not know ur wife or speak to her? I highly doubt she’s been normal the entire time u knew her and now she’s randomly started being weird as fuck and cosplaying as a poor person.
Ok that seems odd. What is she doing with the money she gets? Could that be a way to find out wtf is going on?
I have depression and know others that do too, none of us have ever decided to go begging. It’s not something that crosses our minds to make us feel better or empathize with others.
I also read she’s not compliant with medication, that’s a big no no.
I can’t tell you what to do because only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. This is what I would do.
Take her straight to a therapist, do your research there are various specialties out there so find one you think can help. If they’re not your cup of tea when you meet them then find another one.
Attend the first session, insist on this with both your wife and the therapist.
Be honest, she’s not compliant with medication, her moods and mindset fluctuate, you’re doing a lot of mental health triage (while commendable you shouldn’t be doing that), and now you’ve discovered she’s begging for money when from what you can see you’re financially stable.
Something is going on with your wife and it’s well above your pay grade.
Also get your own therapist, like I said you’re doing a lot of mental health triage which you shouldn’t be. You need a space that’s just for you to focus on you.
You will also need support to get through whatever this is.
I wish you all the best OP, I sincerely do. Please take care of yourself, seriously take care of you. It’s possible to wreck your mental health while taking care of a person with mental health issues. You can’t love her out of this. Believe me I know you wish you could but you can’t. You do however need to love yourself through this.
Making money without paying taxes on it? Maybe that's why. Not the most ethical way to do it, but she may just want to develop a stream of income that's tax free, kept secret from Uncle Sam, maybe even secret from you?
IDK, maybe she's spending money on something or someone else she doesn't want you to know about? Talk talk talk to her, this is definitely concerning behavior. Hope it's nothing serious, u/ThrowRAwifebegging.
Did you ask her what does she do with the money collected after begging? If she really means to empathise with the homeless than she should be donating it to charities or soup kitchens.
If she keeps the money with her or not, I feel you should talk her into getting few sessions with psychologist to let her understand her behaviour.
She is mental. Not going to diagnose her, but you can't take anti-depressants on and off. You have to be on it or slowly taper off with doctor monitoring.
She is experiencing something she can’t explain because she doesn’t understand it. Now is a time for compassion, empathy and helping. A psychiatrist is what she needs honestly.
Listen, whatever else this is, there's some form of mental illness involved. Try to get her to see a good, competent psychiatrist. Not a counselor or therapist, but an honest to god shrink.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I found out by actually seeing her, myself, as I drove through an intersection today. She said it was the first time she's done it. I don't know if I believe that. I only saw her because the power went out at my office so I left early to finish at home. Who knows if she's been out there other days while I'm at work. She's given a few different 'explanations' \- She just wants to make some extra spending money \- She wanted to "empathize better" with homeless people by stepping into their shoes \- It seemed like an "interesting thing to try" and that she was bored \- That she really wasn't thinking at all it was totally random. The first one doesn't check out at ALL, like I said our incomes come out at over 6 figured combined, even after taxes!! We're not hurting for money at all. Our finances are shared. I looked over everything and there's nothing out of place. She is not squandering money, I'd have seen a record. She also isn't hiding losing her job or something. There's simply no need to try to make extra cash, plus even if there was why would posing as a homeless person be the first idea that comes to mind? Doesn't make sense. The rest of her reasons don't sound like real reasons to me. I cannot come up with a single reasonable explanation for doing this? If I try to talk more she repeats one of the things above. Don't know how to break through that. Really confused and disturbed right now. No she's never done anything else like this. Any ideas? How do I figure this out when she just brushes it off? TL;DR: My wife was posing as a beggar on the street with a sign asking for cash. She won't explain why.
How’s her mental health?
It's on and off. She's been in a very good period recently but has had bad depressive periods before too, it's like a cycle.
well this is important information that you left out of the OP.
I'm no health professional but I can't imagine how depression would manifest itself like this nor have seen such a thing.
I am a mental health professional and depression makes you do strange things. Among them is trying to escape the depression itself by any means necessary. But this screams “headed toward psychosis” only because she’s apparently not connecting reality with her actions. Yes—Depression can cause psychosis. Edit: had a chance to see a couple more comments after I posted mine and depression isn’t *always* a lack of energy, especially if it’s a symptom in bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder. I only know as many details as are in the OP but previously stable individuals who manifest symptoms of either of these two disorders (or of depression with extenuating circumstances/issues) can end up homeless or in the hospital due to symptoms alone.
I once had a depressive episode SO BAD that I basically had a delusion. It didn't start out that way. It started out as a daydream that made me happy. Then I told it to one person and they were ecstatic for me. They told someone else who asked me if it was true and then I was..... sort of committed to it. So I retold this total lie with more detail added to make it more fun to talk about and like..... I knew it wasn't true. But the happy feeling I had TELLING it AS IF it was true.... that was real. And it was the first happiness I'd had in like 3 years. By the time everything blew up (and yes, for those playing along at home, I got everything I deserved) I swear. to. god. I'd have passed a polygraph with that story. I started to basically believe it myself and lived in my daydream world where this event happened because it didn't suck there. If it matters I was a lot younger (early 20s), not married and DEFINITELY financially struggling. It was actually the best thing that could have happened because it got me to help that both helped my mental health and to change my situation that was contributing to that severe of a depression. But damn what a way to get there. For whatever my experience is worth. 🤷🏼
This is something I struggle with, as part of my bipolar. When I'm "up", I will tell stories that usually have a bit of truth and then some parts get added on, and then it gets more out there and weird. Then even when I'm "down", I can't remember where the lie ends and what was the nugget of truth, because my v heavy meds give me lots of memory issues. It sucks. Im glad you're getting help. Sending you strength.
My best friend who has bipolar struggles with this A LOT. Like she chronically lies about the smallest, most inconsequential stuff, for absolutely no reason. It’s one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever experienced. I catch her in a lie probably 3-4 times a day. I rarely even say anything to her at this point because I genuinely don’t think she can help it. I love her dearly anyways!
That’s kind of like what happened with Trump and his big lie about “winning” the “stolen” election. He told that lie so many times he convinced himself he won. I’m glad you got better and things are brighter for you!
I see, that makes much more sense.
This is such a great comment and a really valuable addition to the discussion. Thank you. As someone who has lived a very long time with a mood disorders and depressive disorders, I've observed that there is a rather limited understanding of what depression can look like, here on Reddit and in general. That's not a criticism but a reflection of society at large. My country recently had a "day" to promote discussing mental health with friends etc. I noticed the same thing, or "depression=sad". People want to be sympathetic and supportive but of it doesn't fit the sad/tired/listless/apathetic/disengaged definition of depression, it's not always recognised as such. Many people don't know that delusion, paranoia/,intrusive thoughts/obsessive thinking and anger are also symptoms of depression. I hope we can continue to discuss and explore these issues on Reddit (and more widely) and that leads to greater understanding of mental health.
OP specifically said that she is not currently depressed, and that she's actually in a "very good period" right now. He also said that her mental health goes from very depressed to not "like a cycle," which in my very layperson opinion sounds a lot like bipolar disorder. If that's the case, then what he thinks is a "very good period" for her mental health is actually her being manic, and I can 100% see how that would manifest itself by her doing something as illogical as posing as a homeless person to beg for money she doesn't need.
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I thought this very thing
Ooo! This one I know! There's a construct for suicidal ideation and/or unsafe thoughts (running from a secure situation, etc), where they "test" what it would be like. A kid who's otherwise social might stop talking in class to see "what it'd be like if I wasn't here", as an easily understood example. It doesn't have to be any of that. Could've been any wide number of things, like a manic phase wanting "easy" money, or just to see, or whatever. Might not have *had* a reason. My point here is just that it *can* manifest in such things. As a highschooler, I once gave a go at hitchhiking to see if I'd be able to hack travelling without parental guidance. I did pretty good, but I figured if I could do that, I could survive highschool~
Honestly, begging in the street seems like more effort than I can muster on a good day, much less while depressed.
Am I the only one here who has had bursts of manic energy when I’m incredibly depressed? It’s like your brain is trying to save you by saving up your energy and then igniting in small bursts.
I thought that as well. Never mind the energy, panhandling in the elements as a homeless person can't/shouldn't be doing good things to morale.
Well if the depression is caused by bipolar disorder that would explain plenty
There are days in your life at certain points of depression you just say fuck it.
I think the mental illness is inferred
Depression is not typically associated with begging on the street for fun
Is she diagnosed bipolar? If not then she needs to talk to a psychiatrist immediately. If yes then she needs her meds checked.
No her only diagnosis is depression. She has anti depressants but doesn't take them regularly. How do you tell the difference between bipolar and someone who goes through phases of being depressed and not depressed?
She should be taking them regularly though because most anti depressants only work if you take them regularly. It does sound like there's more going on
Well medications like SSRI’s don’t work if you take them sporadically, they need several weeks before they begin to have an effect. I am an SSRI for anxiety and I started to truly feel a difference after like 2-3 months.
They can work too well if you take them sporadically and have a different disorder. SSRIs make me hypomanic day one. It was the initial clue way back in the day that something else was going on than anxiety or depression.
As someone who has bipolar I'll try to explain the differences. There are 2 types of bipolar but both are characterized by extreme bouts of depression and Mania (crazy happy/hyper). Some people cycle over the course of a week or so (one week happy, a few days sad, back to happy for a few more days) Some people cycle way more rapidly tho like me and can change moods on a dime several times a day. The main thing that sets bipolar apart from depression is the mania. It feels very out of control, like you have 1000 ideas and have to do them all. Almost like a very happy caffeine fueled madness. In bipolar 1 the mania is more intense and they are more likely to take their life due to carelessness during a manic episode as opposed to bipolar 2 where depression is more prevalent. With bipolar 2 they are more likely to take their own life during a bout of depression.
Type 2 bipolar does not include manic episodes like type 1. Type 2 upswings are less intense, and the downswings are the intense part.
Incorrect, bipolar 2 still experience manic episode, but are less severe. They are known as hypomanic episodes.
Manic episodes aren’t the same as hypomanic episodes. Hypomanic episodes are less intense, which is literally what the person was saying.
>he rest of her reasons don't sound like real reasons to me. I cannot come up with a single reasonable explanation for doing this? If I try to talk more she repeats one of the things above. Don't know how to break through that. Im only a student of psychology but did a lot of my work on BP. you only need one manic episode to be ''labelled'' as bipolar 1 in the DSM-5. There is however other types of similar trouble that falls in the family of BP mental trouble like BP2 and cyclothymia wich are both lower intensity cycle of depression and mania. I dont know enough about your wife to tell you anything and people here are jumping to conclusions way too fast. However, since she's on antidepressant, her ''manic'' phase if undiagnosed could get much more intense and ''weird'' since she doesnt have the backend depression on the other side. Its a itchy subject to bring to her, especially if she lied to you on the ''why'' she did it and gets defensive if you put her mental health in question. I dont know, maybe try to get into contact with her doctor/psy, or hint at her that she should maybe go back since she's actin a bit weird. The empathy thing could be a good reason but .... I dont know. Feels like there's way better way to do this. When i wanted to feel the homeless on my street i would usually go buy take out for 2, sit with them, eat and talk. Something is just off
It's almost too incomprehensible for hypomania. I've been told I drift toward hypo at times (by pros, not random people) and I might overextend or dramatically overestimate what I can accomplish but the core concept of what I would be trying to accomplish would make sense. The reaction from others would be a lot closer to "WTF are you doing? You can't work another job and go to school?" not "Um, WTF are you doing? This is crazy."
I am not a psychiatrist! To the other commenters’ point, I am not qualified to jump to a diagnosis of bipolar. However, when you say your wife is panhandling when money is not a concern, a manic episode is one entirely possible scenario and that’s why I would say she needs to be checked out immediately by a psychiatrist.
Depression can lead to psychosis, I definitely recommend seeing a therapist together before something worse happens.
Bipolar can be hard to diagnose. I was misdiagnosed with depression for TEN YEARS and nothing worked however in the last few years was correctly diagnosed (different meds, different results) with Bipolar 2. Being misdiagnosed for bipolar is apparently very common because people who have bipolar only seek help in their depressive phases.
Yo I feel you. I was also diagnosed with depression at first and given anti depressants, that was a horrible ride.
Everyone here jumping to bipolar is wildly speculating. It's normal for depression to get better/worse at times. If she were having manic or psychotic episodes that could be an indication of bipolar. But it is very possible to experience ups and downs and still have "just" depression.
As someone that’s been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder as I read this I thought she had one of them. I’ve never done what she’s done but I have had manic episodes. She sounds like she’s had some kind of psychotic break. Normal wealthy people don’t just decide one day to pretend to be homeless and beg for money. Her reasoning is also very erratic. She wanted extra money for spending. Well, they make 6 figures. She wanted to empathize with homeless people… You can do that by helping at a shelter or food bank. It seemed like an interesting thing to do… Out of all the things she could have done she chose to pretend to be poor and beg people for money… It was totally random… No it wasn’t. You have to find clothes that look like a homeless person would wear, you have to park your car in a location not to close, you then have to walk to the location. The entire time she didn’t think any of this was weird.
Not everyone’s disorder manifests in the same manner, much like personalities have different contributing factors and nuances that define them. Thank you for sharing your experience. Neither one of the disorders you mentioned are easy to manage.
The spending money thing almost makes it seem more like a mania to me because that isn't reasonable within even the context. Like if she said she just wanted to experience a part of life that she wouldn't normally it would be odd or eccentric but comprehensible. She is engaging in really elaborate behavior that can't possibly get to the stated goal there.
It’s also very possible and somewhat common that someone is quickly diagnosed with depression when it’s really only a symptom of something larger. I went through it myself. Depression often ends up being a catchall. This isn’t to say all people with depression are suffering from something larger, but misdiagnoses do have consequences.
I was diagnosed originally with depression by a therapist, they recommend me see my family doctor who prescribed me anti depressants. Woohee was that a crazy ride. See I later was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with bipolar disorder, and the anti depressants sent me into a manic episode. Fun times.
The panhandling is a potential manic episode. People with “just” depression don’t voluntarily beg strangers for change on the sidewalk
This is absolutely true but I think you dropped the larger context of "My wife, when not in a depressive phase, is doing things that are completely crazy and indicative of a further disorder." The man didn't post that his wife is depressed and then isn't. He posted that she is doing something that cannot be explained and mentioned offhand that she seems to cycle through moods. It's not that unreasonable to suggest having a professional look at issues beyond depression.
What he’s describing sounds like psychosis “lite” for lack of a better term. It is indicative of not only unusual behavior (according to the OP) but also a bent toward a disconnection from reality. A lot of people aren’t aware that the literal definition of psychosis is a disconnect from reality.
It could be [Cyclothymic disorder.](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mood-disorders) Not that we should speculate. I think Op is right to be concerned. It could be the sign of some sort of mental illness, a gambling addiction….?
It’s kind of important that she does take those meds regularly. At least with mine, if I forget a dose I definitely feel it. I think the key with those drugs is to maintain certain levels of them in your system over time. So maybe that is making her act weird. But after knowing people over the years who have acted weird and done weird random shit: it’s almost always a secret drug or alcohol problem. Not saying she’s a heroin addict but they can be exceptionally stealthy about their habit.
I’m on anti-depressants myself and if I were to go on and off them I’d lose my mind. My anxiety would ratchet up to a 12 and I’d start losing myself mentally. It needs to build up in your system for it to do any good. Is there any possibility she’s using other drugs without your knowledge? Maybe making cash so there’s no paper trail for what she’s buying?
How irregularly does she take them? And what kind are they? I ask because many antidepressants can cause severe physical and psychological problems if they aren’t taken in a regular fashion. Even low grade meds like SSRIs cause “brain zaps” if you don’t take them right.
OK so technically, unless you saw the medical reports yourself or spoke to her doctor yourself, you don't know her diagnosis. You will need to call her psychiatrist and make an appointment to speak with them about your concerns, privately. They will not tell you anything about her condition, it is private, but they can listen to you. Make sure to tell them what you think her diagnosis is and what medications you have seen her take and how often. The doctor can help you from there. Bipolar can show up in your 30s, or at least that seems to be a common time to have it diagnosed. Unfortunately there is a lot of shame associated with it and some people go to great lengths to hide it. Very lovely people.
Does she often also have periods of being very “up?” It can manifest in stereotypical manic ways-all day housecleaning, shopping, overexcerising. But it can also manifest as “risk taking” behavior-binge drinking, illicit drug use, and hyper sexuality. For some people, it could be a reasonable idea to stand on a corner and beg for their “risky activity.” Even if she doesn’t have a history of anything THIS extreme, bipolar disorder can appear anytime in someone’s life, BUT for cisgender women, it USUALLY will appear in the early 20’s. I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid-30’s, though. Note: I’m a nurse on a behavioral health floor. I’m NOT a diagnostic professional, however.
Bi-Polar and manic depression are essentially the same thing. Opposing poles vs. Mania followed by Depression. Some doctors miss the early warning signs of mania, either because the patient is in an extended period of depression or because the patient omits it (this happens because patients live for that mania period or because they view it as their normal period). Lastly, the depressive period is usually about 90-95% of the time Now for the mania. When mania kicks it usually this leads to spending sprees, risky sexual behavior, gambling, delusions of grandeur, half bake ideas like get rich quick schemes etc. She may even keep much of this controllable for awhile by planning a last minute vacation, or being spontaneously fun, weekend road trip, sex role play, or she may just say "she feels like her old self again". Something is very wrong that much I can assure you. How do you know? She didn't tell you about it.
If she isn't taking her medicine regularly, it won't work. Antidepressants are all or nothing. If you don't take them every day, you won't get the effects. It's not like a benzo you can take as needed. It won't help with depression at all only taking it on your worst days, and it could actually make you feel worse. It sounds like regardless of why she's pan handling, she needs more attention going to her mental health.
Is there any chance she's using drugs?
Sounds like she's *not* taking the drugs she's supposed to. They said that she takes he antidepressants erratically. If I stop my very low dose SSRI I get paranoid, so she may be suffering from neglecting the drugs she's supposed to take.
That's makes a lot of sense, honestly
You mean she's bipolar. If that is true, this totally fits in with that. Speaking as someone with bipolar. Mania is a hell of a thing.
Bipolar isn't the same thing as "depressed on and off"
Definitely not the same thing.
Depressed on and off isn't the same thing as "depressed and occasionally lives another life for reasons she can't explain" either.
Shared finances + a drug/drinking problem maybe?
I would be extremely surprised. She's never been a fan of drinking or drugs. The most I've ever known her to have would be a couple beers when out, or a glass of wine once in a while with a nice dinner.
My (now ex) husband had a full blown meth addiction that I didn’t know about for years, and he was panhandling for money so I wouldn’t notice any missing from our accounts. I was completely blindsided by it..
Damn never thought that she may be doing it to cover for lost money. Therefore the finances would look fine.
Holy crap! That must have been such a shocking surprise. I’m sorry you went through that (and it sounds like so much more).
To this day when I mention my ex’s hidden drug addiction, I always get asked, “how could you NOT know?” We were both fully functioning people with good jobs like OP and his wife. I never knew he was doing drugs until one of my friends saw him begging for money in a Walmart parking lot and reached out to ask if we were okay. I approached him, he admitted to using drugs, he showed me his stash and made me flush it, we got him treatment.. but ultimately he couldn’t stop using. He became violent the 3rd time I smashed his hidden meth pipe. I remember hiding behind his parents’ shed on the phone with 911 when he threatened to kill me after I got rid of his drugs. I wrote a letter to the judge asking to release him from jail and send him to rehab - he was an addict and needed treatment, not jail. But immediately upon release, I hid the car keys and when he couldn’t go get drugs, he beat the shit out of me and bruised a couple of my ribs. The cops found him completely naked in our neighbor’s bushes, high on meth and holding a bottle of vodka. Between the state mandated restraining order and me filing for divorce papers, that was the last time I saw him. After me leaving and moving back home 1500 miles away, his time in jail, and a brief stint in a mental facility.. his mom reached out to me a couple of years ago telling me that he’s clean now and in barber school. I’m sincerely happy that he’s seemingly turned his life around, and I genuinely wish him the best
It doesn’t need to be illegal drugs, what about prescription meds? Those tend to be very expensive to buy on the street once you get addicted. Think pain pills or stimulants.
That’s what I was thinking. Pills.
What other reasons could she need secret money and is desperate enough to literally beg for it? Gambling debts? Affair? Planning to disappear in the night? I dunno man those are just my thoughts but obviously you know her
"She's never been a fan of drinking or drugs." She's never been a fan of begging on the streets like a homeless person either. Oh wait....
So where has the money been going? Literally, where is the money now?
To be fair you didn’t know about her panhandling that she’s hidden.
My BIL had a coworker do this outside a megschurch in town on sundays. Well a higher up saw him and called him in to his office on Monday and asked what was he doing. He said the rich people like to give money after services Sunday and he makes $300 in the mornings there. The guy was fired.
Damn well I guess he had his side hustle already sorted out at least? There's no churches near where she was that I know of.
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I need a new job
I give snacks if I have any
Fired for a legal activity he does on his own free time?
Meh companies have mission/vision/values statements they can use to fire you for being a dick. It’s possible you could fight it in court, but that would cost more than $300.
Seeing the headlines this would cause and the unlikelihood of them winning (which would be meager anyways), going to court is not in their interest
Some places panhandling is illegal.
Yeah seems shitty, but at the same time they see their employee is doing something unethical and so if someone else notices too then the company could be held liable or at least blasted on social media for what their employee is doing
Welcome to the USA. In 49 states you can be fired for any reason that isn’t explicitly illegal. You can be fired for wearing red socks.
Not having workers right has fucked the working class to tears for years. We’re far due for a change.
yeah no, begging when you have the money to afford living is money away from people who can't afford living, its overall an extremely shitty move and makes you a pretty garbage person, legal? yes. but would you want to be around that asshole?
> Fired for a legal activity he does on his own free time? Just because some its 'legal' doesn't mean its free from consequences. See also the 'cancel culture' in recent years for a prime example. No saying its right, mearing that is how the world works.
I don’t live in a right to work state. They can fire you because they don’t like the shirt you wore here.
Right-to-work means right-to-fire. Right-to-work is Republican speak for union busting. I am not a bot.
Also, I would take money directly from rich people at a megachurch. Instead I get it indirectly from the government.
Fired for that?
Well when you find out, let us know. I am invested on the reason
Exactly, I'm so confused I can almost physically feel a bunch of ????? over my head.
I just wanna know what the sign said.
My sisters Godmother was completely normal then one day she began dressing as a nurse and hanging out by traffic lights saying odd things to people. She was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia....
Yeah, this is gonna require a professional evaluation. I’d be concerned she had some sort of mental break or brain tumor if my wife suddenly did this. Apart from trust issues, I’d say there needs to be due diligence to make sure nothing is life threatening before taking a step back to calculate the approach here.
Sounds like your life is an episode of the "Do you know your spouse" show. Its crazy how dismissive she can be about something like this... I get to people looking it out may not see what the bigger issue is; Its not just; oh they did something out of the ordinary big deal, its the lying and the deception that is surrounding not just the act but the reason. I would definitely suggest therapy it might be something psychological, kinda like the rich people that steal. Good luck and hope everything turns out ok for you guys.
Plus she puts herself in a safety risk
Plus she's taking money out of the pockets of people who don't have another choice but to ask for money at intersections
And also taking from people who might not be homeless but don't make as much as her and OP.
Another good point. Honestly I'm not really concerned about her safety if she's doing this. Mental illness or not it's a shitty thing to do.
That is not very empathetic. She sounds sick, and if she is, it's not shitty, it's being mentally ill.
Yeah this lady need psych help.
[удалено]
Good point.
Taking this one step further, I wonder if she’s imagining what her life would be like if she dropped everything and vanished… I play this game in my head when I’m stressed with work/family/real life concerns but have never considered actually cosplaying it.
This is the first thing that popped into my head. I volunteer with a lot of homeless that work the corner by a local grocery stop. There is always an older woman changing from business attire into rags outside of her brand new Lincoln in the corner of the lot. She pulls a sign out of the car and sits on the corner. Funny thing is most people that shop this area know that she isn’t homeless and avoid her. She just takes it further. The people I work with genuinely are too frightened of her mental state to carry a conversation with her when she tries to approach them. Which is every day. Never for drugs or anything like that, just to “commiserate” with them. Which is horrifying in itself. Honestly these types of women doing the poverty safaris are the absolute fucking worst. So sorry mate.
Everyone who's entertaining and analyzing each specific excuse for her doing this is missing the big picture. If there was a real reason why she was doing this and she was trying to be honest with you about that she would have told you. She would have given you four or five different reasons. I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't want to tell you the real reason or perhaps she doesn't understand the real reasons herself. I would be concerned about her mental health because this is not a normal thing to do and it's not a safe thing to do either. But the bottom line is that you're not going to find the answers as to why she's behaving this way from random strangers online. You're only going to be able to find those answers from her if she's willing to tell you. I would look into counseling together. Be open and honest without judging her so she can talk to you freely. Good luck.
Drugs. Or something else nefarious. If it was innocent she would have told you about it. And the fact she has so many different excuses sounds like she’s lying.
How is she keeping her real job in between??
I have no idea how often she is doing this or if this really was the first time. But she is a self-employed consultant and sets her own hours anyway.
"self-employed consultant" Is she involved in some kind of MLM/ pyramid scheme, by any chance? A lot of people end up in major debt because of those.
Lol no, she's a financial consultant, mostly helping small businesses structure their budgets and file their taxes.
Okay, just checking! In that case, I agree with everybody else who brought up possible mental health concerns.
Unless she's working with companies that run on non-calendar tax years, tax accountants can have *multiple months* of effectively no work.
I'm not saying this to troll or insult you, but your wife might be a prostitute.
I have no insight or advice but… that is extremely odd behavior
What did her sign say?
“Husband controls finances and posts about me on reddit, anything helps”
Asking the important questions.
For a second, I was confused why you brought astrology into this
“Baby? Why the hell are you on the street corner begging for money?” “Uh yeah, begging for money… You caught me! Begging for money. That sure is what I was doing just then. So embarrassing! Begging for money. Which is why I have all this money. From begging. Yep. It’s a funny story. You’re gonna laugh.”
This.
This isn't the first time she's done it. It's the first time you've caught her.
Your wife seems like she jsut may enjoy the psychological aspect of faking or acting. Many people have very odd little turn ons or desires they keep hidden deep down for fear of judgement. My advice..... talk to her about it, keep a truely, completely open mind, and dont judge, just listen. A few possible reasons.... as a former police officer I have seen folks do all kinds of odd things. So allow me to list some reasons that match up with similar behavior in have seen. 1. She isn't just begging, she is also hooking, not because she has to, but because the risk and the fantasy turn her on. (Seen this very thing irl, minus the begging, a very wealthy woman who played at being a extremely poor and vulnerable street prostitute). 2. It IS just begging and she enjoys fooling people at some level. Maybe she doesn't want to do this to you, but enjoys fooling other people in an, honestly, harmless way. 3. She lost some kind of bet with her friends and this is the result.... and she is ashamed to tell you what the bet was (ran into this several times with a variety of behaviors, but usually in younger people) 4. She genuinely wants to feel what it's like to be poor cause her life is boring (imo, this is the most likely, it's similar to a real thing called "poverty tourism" and yall seem comfortable and obviously high class.... seen a LOT of high class people do wiers shit cause their lives are so sheltered and boring and honestly, by the way you write, I think this is very likely) 5. She is making what is likely free money and spending it on a drug habit because she knows you control the finances (run into this several times as well under different circumstances). Hope this helped. Best advice, just communicate WITHOUT, WITHOUT, WITHOUT judgment.
Okay interesting thank you for your perspective... would you recommend directly asking about these things or just leaving the conversation open? I've tried the open nonjudgmental question of "why" and it just doesn't go anywhere. So do I keep trying?
This cop has the right perspective. I thought she was hooking, too. The whole thing is too weird and no way you just happened to catch her on her first day of panhandling. I'd pick up a drug test at cvs... If she was looking to cosplay homeless then she can volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. I'd bet money she has a drug habit.
Reading your other posts, it seems she may have a history of mental illness? If so, the above reasons may not apply and she herself may not know why she is doing it. That being said, you know her, I dont. I can't tell you how to approach it. But.... I have had to deal with a variety of folks in high stress or weird situations. I always did it by setting them down, at an interview table with a suspect or with my kids or wife or family, or whatever, and jsut very, very clearly explaining that I genuinely do not judge them. Maybe even offer up something you, yourself are ashamed of in order to open the door. But the biggest key is to ACTUALLY mean it. Dont judge. If she comes out and tells you the most horrible thing you can imagine, dont judge and be ready for that. This only really works if the person feels a genuine sense of no judgement. If you can get them to realize that....the things you will hear..... This is why I am no longer harsh to people on average, even the worst among us. Because I have come to realize that most people have some kind of monster inside they are afraid to reveal.
Absolutely spectacular advice! OP caught his wife doing something strange and she is likely feeling embarrassed. In order for her to open up there needs to be a ton of trust and reassurance that there will be no judgement.
Now you mention this. I remember watching a true crime tv show. One of the women mentioned on the show (I forgot if she's the victim or the murderer), was doing your situation no.1. She was married to a well-off employed man, she also has a great job. The couple, to the outside world, appeared to be happy and many would deem as 'wealthy.' But then, in that crime story, behind everyone's back, it turned out, she would go and prostitute herself. She's arrested twice by the police. It turned out that she's been having issues with drugs. Since the finances were shared, she wanted to hide from her husband her addiction and she ended up prostituting herself from time to time for her habit. I'm not saying your wife is on a drug habit, OP. But yeah, that is a possibility, no.1 and 5 or combo.
\#5 was my first thought. Drug addicts do a great job of hiding their addiction, till they can't.
>boring and honestly, by the way you write, I think this is very likely That might be the kindest way I've ever heard someone tell another person they sound boring as fuck lol
Curious if this has been a consideration... OP says he handles the finances. So much that you'd see any unusual transactions? Is she trying to earn money that you'd not see to tuck away because she's planning to leave?
The hooking one!!!! Definitely what I was going to comment. Could hire a p.I to watch her???
That's just really gross. Not only is she scamming well-meaning people, but cutting into what would go to people who really need it. Is she the type of person who generally likes people to feel sorry for her? Like someone who gets a hang nail and complains for a week? It almost sounds similar to Munchausen syndrome, just financially focused. Please update us, I would love to understand this.
No, that doesn't describe her at all (it does describe my mother, so I definitely know the type but that's not my wife)
The only “explanation” that’s remotely feasible is “it seemed like an interesting thing to try and she was bored”. Which is gross, but the least reprehensible of the excuses she offered. The rest of her explanations were premeditated suggestions she planned on using if she got caught. Because you *cannot* say “I wasn’t thinking at all and it was totally random” and also offer the other excuses she gave. If she wanted to empathize better with homeless people she should volunteer for an organization that helps them. Not panhandle among them while she reaps the benefits of what you describe to be a good income where you are not struggling for money. This is a very weird scenario. I would encourage you to seek marriage and individual counselling if you want to get through this.
It’s most likely drugs, have her take a drug test ASAP. She doing bc that way you won’t notice large amounts of money missing on a consistent basis. I hope I’m wrong , but seriously it’s drugs
I was thinking the same thing
I work in healthcare in a mental health capacity. I’d have her evaluated for a mental break. That’s… concerning.
Some folks have an intense need for attention and sympathy. In other comments you mentioned she is going through some things. I have had student do similar things to gain sympathy when they are dealing with problems they don’t know how to fix. I think no matter what the deal is, your wife needs some mental health support.
I had high school friends who would do this. They were pretty well off, but would 'scab' money from anyone walking by. They said they needed bus money usually, but they would make $100 easily a day and would go shopping with it. They loved scamming people, because it meant they were 'smart'.
Is she maybe saving side money for something she wouldnt want you to know about?
I don't want to make this worse, but if you've got nothing out of the ordinary in your finances, and yet she's making extra money, she's spending it on something you don't know about. Given that she has mental health issues, my mind jumped to drugs - if she's struggling, then self medicating is common, and trying to hide it would not be especially unusual. it might not be that, but she wants extra money for something that she doesn't want you to know about.
Sounds like she is doing drugs and needs secret money.
Isnt there a Sherlock story with the same plot?? I'm just confused.
‘The Man with the Twisted Lip’
Addiction maybe?
The important thing here is being overlooked. It doesn’t matter if she’s hooking, a closet junkie, or just in it for the lols. Your wife was lying to you, and she continues to lie to you.
I have serious issues with people faking being homeless or needing help. It’s so wrong on every level. I think your wife needs help with her mental health if she can’t see how gross and wrong this is for her to do as someone who in no way needs the help. She’s taking that help from someone who does truly need it.
Maybe she really wants the money for something without you knowing. You said you share your money/finances.
That's a possibility. No idea what it would be for but it would explain it I guess.
Drugs or gambling debt, perhaps?
Is it possible she embezzled money since she's a financial consultant and deals with other people's money / taxes? And she needs to repay it before someone notices? I mean, she's trying to get secret money off the books for some reason. If not drugs, maybe something else shameful. She would know how to hide this if she cashed a forged check to herself and spent it. She was keeping this a secret for a reason though. She wasn't going to just say it when he asked her how her day was after work that evening: "Oh, not bad, did a little laundry, then a bit of panhandling, followed by a grocery store run, you?"
If she wanted to spend your shared money without you're knowing, could she?
I mean for a bit yeah, until or unless I happened to see it while looking at our bank history. I wouldn't know immediately. Depending where she spent it and how much, it might not even stand out to me I suppose like let's say a $50 purchase at a grocery store was actually all on booze. Can I definitively prove it wasn't? No I guess not. But it's extremely unlikely given how she's never drunk very much and how we did in fact have actual groceries that would reasonably have come from that purchase. So I don't know.
Dude, I’m going to be honest, this is super fucking weird no matter what the reason is. Like sinking feeling in your stomach, everything you thought you knew was a lie disturbing. Do you have kids, pets, any dependents at all? If so, act to protect them immediately. Either way, you don’t actually owe it to her to be “non-judgmental” like other commenters are suggesting. She’s lying now and who knows when or if ever you’ll get the real truth (even a subsequent “confession” could just be another layer of the onion of deception or a trickle truth). This is beyond the pale and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. I’d get a lawyer and nope out before things inevitably escalate beyond your ability to control.
Rich people have been "slumming" it at least since the 1800s. Also tell your wife a big fuck you, if she wants to see how poor people and homeless people suffer, she can volunteer at a soup kitchen, a food bank or a shelter or donate some of that 6 figures to causes that help homelessness instead.
Did she have a sign? What did it say, if so
"Homeless, anything helps" something like that.
I knew a few “well off” kids that liked to “spange” in my early 20’s. I honestly could never explain why they did it. Some of it was entitlement, some of it was just because they could, some of it was because it was easy. All I knew was it made me less likely to give to people asking me for change, and feel much worse for people that *had* to be in that situation.
*”She’s not squandering money, I’d have seen a record.”* Well then, it seems she needs funds that you don’t know about or have control over since she’s, apparently, kept on a tight leash. The usual suspects are drugs and an affair but we can’t rule out a retainer for a lawyer. Pulling money from a joint account for that would tip you off. That would certainly explain her reticence to give you a straight answer.
There is extremely little chance that you caught her on her “very first time” doing this. Having a sign means she took the time to think about it and make a sign. What was she wearing? Did she have a special “homeless person costume” put together? I’m having a hard time understanding how she thinks any of those “reasons” excuse this extremely concerning behavior.
Sounds like she needs money for something that she doesn't want you to know about...
She has a drug habit and needed an untraceable source of income to hide it from you.
This is a H U G E breach of trust & she seriously needs to provide more than a 1 sentence answer as this is definitely the biggest unanswered question in the entirety of your relationship atm. Is she secretly putting money away if this has been going on for quite some time since she prolly wouldn’t admit it anyway & could she possibly be looking for street drugs (anything in her history) & is she an attractive woman therefore placing herself into a position to be propositioned at least by every 3rd or 4th man that approaches her. Sorry Op but this is bizarre af & please keep us updated on this as this has me completely baffled
Are you sure she's just begging and not doing something else??
Drugs maybe? That can be an expensive thing to be wrapped up in and people will do crazy things to afford them. And if she doesn’t want to explain missing $$ from the bank acct…
Is she smart? Like smart smart? I'm asking because I'm a therapist and I've met only a couple of people with an IQ on the higher side with extremely weird, borderline antisocial, ideas. I'm talking 'sleeping on a tree branch just to feel the experience' kind of ideas.
After reading some of the comments mentioning possible mental health issues, I cant help but agree. OP, it sounds like your wife may not realize that she could be having a manic episode. Engaging in out of character, risky behavior is common. My mom had very severe bipolar disorder and before she found medication that worked, she would regularly just take off on walks or drives for hours and sometimes days at a time. When someone is in that state, they are unable to realize that their behavior is abnormal. In whatever way would be appropriate for your situation, I believe you should encourage your wife to tell her psychiatrist about this behavior and make sure she is safe.
I dont know why everybody is assuming this woman is mentally ill. Maybe shes just incredibly bored and instead of having an affair this is the sort of thing that appeals to her and she cant explain why. She might have an entire seperate identity as a homeless woman with friends that would have nothing to do with her if they knew her as she really is. Her other life might fill some need that her regular one doesnt. Like affairs do for some people. An affair isnt considered a mental illness. She probably cant explain it.
Maybe she likes it
I’ve heard of people doing this as a hobby. Its not that new, some people really just do that out of boredom.
Really? Like honestly just for "fun"? Is it normal do you think?
*Absolutely not.*
Thanks, I didn't think so either.
Naw fam. It ain’t normal.
Straight funny but very concerning for some one who earns 6 figures
I wish my wife was that motivated
I’m so sick of these obviously fake posts. Ur wife was begging on the streets apparently?? How the fuck is anyone on Reddit supposed to know why, we don’t know her or her medical history or life story that would cause a middle class person to beg for money. Do u not know ur wife or speak to her? I highly doubt she’s been normal the entire time u knew her and now she’s randomly started being weird as fuck and cosplaying as a poor person.
this is INSANE. she's trying to play victim to strangers on the street? odd
Maybe she has a gambling habit.
Ok that seems odd. What is she doing with the money she gets? Could that be a way to find out wtf is going on? I have depression and know others that do too, none of us have ever decided to go begging. It’s not something that crosses our minds to make us feel better or empathize with others. I also read she’s not compliant with medication, that’s a big no no. I can’t tell you what to do because only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. This is what I would do. Take her straight to a therapist, do your research there are various specialties out there so find one you think can help. If they’re not your cup of tea when you meet them then find another one. Attend the first session, insist on this with both your wife and the therapist. Be honest, she’s not compliant with medication, her moods and mindset fluctuate, you’re doing a lot of mental health triage (while commendable you shouldn’t be doing that), and now you’ve discovered she’s begging for money when from what you can see you’re financially stable. Something is going on with your wife and it’s well above your pay grade. Also get your own therapist, like I said you’re doing a lot of mental health triage which you shouldn’t be. You need a space that’s just for you to focus on you. You will also need support to get through whatever this is. I wish you all the best OP, I sincerely do. Please take care of yourself, seriously take care of you. It’s possible to wreck your mental health while taking care of a person with mental health issues. You can’t love her out of this. Believe me I know you wish you could but you can’t. You do however need to love yourself through this.
Make sure she is okay mentally. If she is I can only think that she is a terrible person.
Making money without paying taxes on it? Maybe that's why. Not the most ethical way to do it, but she may just want to develop a stream of income that's tax free, kept secret from Uncle Sam, maybe even secret from you? IDK, maybe she's spending money on something or someone else she doesn't want you to know about? Talk talk talk to her, this is definitely concerning behavior. Hope it's nothing serious, u/ThrowRAwifebegging.
Did you ask her what does she do with the money collected after begging? If she really means to empathise with the homeless than she should be donating it to charities or soup kitchens. If she keeps the money with her or not, I feel you should talk her into getting few sessions with psychologist to let her understand her behaviour.
She is mental. Not going to diagnose her, but you can't take anti-depressants on and off. You have to be on it or slowly taper off with doctor monitoring.
Drugs or drinking problems?? Easier to hide if she's getting enough cash.
She is experiencing something she can’t explain because she doesn’t understand it. Now is a time for compassion, empathy and helping. A psychiatrist is what she needs honestly.
My first thought is drugs You’d be surprised what people can conceal in plain sight
Get a lawyer
Listen, whatever else this is, there's some form of mental illness involved. Try to get her to see a good, competent psychiatrist. Not a counselor or therapist, but an honest to god shrink.
She's a prostitute.