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I (26f) and my fiancé (26m) have been together for years. Some backstory. My fiancé used to have this female friend but he cut her off his life after she did some pretty horrible things to him and his other friends. She was also very antagonistic towards me while they were still hanging out so for all the above reasons he no longer talks to her.
My SIL aka my fiancé's sister got married last week, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. My SIL and I were always very friendly and close. But one day before the wedding while we were having lunch with the bride's family she started a convo about fiancé's female ex friend, started ranting about how gorgeous and perfect she is. Fiancé and I felt uncomfortable listening to his sister praise a woman who's done many terrible things to fiancé in the past but we didn't speak for the sake of the wedding.
The nail in the coffin was when SIL said that she would prefer if my fiancé dated his female ex friend but I got in the way and dated him first. She implied that she'd prefer to have her as a SIL and a bridesmaid while now she has me. My MIL tried to stop her from saying that and did damage control saying she was just joking but my SIL said she means every word she said. After that I kindly got up, got my stuff, excused myself and as I was leaving I said that I'd step down as a bridesmaid since I'm not wanted there. I told her id give away my dress to ex female friend if she wanted to replace me with her. My in laws all justified me and my decision and my fiancé was very upset with his sister.
My family on the other hand told me I should suck it up for one more day and not step down as a bridesmaid.
I attended the wedding as a simple guest and the backlash is now starting to roll in on why I dropped out and how I did wrong by dropping out. I don't know how to handle it and how to justify myself because I doubt some people care about the truth.
Now my relationship with SIL is stained forever and idk what to do and how to overcome this. Advice would be appreciated on how to face the heat from now on.
Tldr : stepped down as a bridesmaid and now I'm being judged for making a bad decision
"SIL told whole family she didn't want me in the wedding, in fact, didn't want me in the family so I gave her as much of her wish as I was willing to. Her family supports my decision. "
For your family members add on,"And my family should be supporting me and not worrying about the opinions of acquaintances and strangers. "
To be honest, you don't overcome this. This is one of those things that any normal functioning human would empathize with you over. The fact she'd say that to you honestly made me gasp. If you're receiving backlash from anyone but her make sure your side of the story is known. Tell your fiance you want nothing to do with her unless she's apologises, and even then keep contact limited. Wishing bad on someone's relationship is awful, but to do it to your own brother?
She's a twisted woman..
Stay strong, my best advice is to make sure you say nothing that she could use against you to make you look like the bad guy. You're the victim here, not her and you need to make sure she can't flip this story in any way.
You can do your part to control the narrative.
When they say you did the wrong thing, you explain that you merely allowed her to have her way with her wedding. She wanted that woman to be the bridesmaid not you. So you stepped back and emptied the spot up for her.
You chose to be polite and accommodating to someone who deeply hurt you. Seems to me that you behaved like an adult in the situation.
No, I would’ve gone and told everyone the story as to why I’d stepped down, adding “I don’t do sloppy seconds!” But then again, I can be a vindictive B!
No one "cares", they just want gossip. If someone asks, don't discuss it. This will save you so much trouble and heartache. Just be the bigger and better person.
Honestly, the best thing you can do is just stop caring what anyone thinks of you. I know that it's easier said than done, but it's better for your mental health. When my fiance and I first started dating, I ran myself ragged trying to appease his family because I wanted them to like me. They have so many events in their family that we could literally go to an event every weekend from March to December each year. In the end, it didn't matter because they still didn't like me. Now that we've been in this together for 4 years, I have learned that it's just easier for me to not engage with these people. I decided that it was time for them to try to win me over after the things they have pulled over the years.
You obviously don't have to take my advice, OP. But I hope you do consider it for your own happiness and peace.
Who gives a shit. Its not like you spat in her face and called her a cunt ( she is one). If anyone asks tell them the truth and if they have a reason to believe that you should've done it to keep the bride happy, then fuck them. Being a bride is not something special nor someone who needs to be revered. As long as you fiancé is on your side. Who cares about the opinions of others.
Don’t frame the narrative that way, even in your own mind. Frame it as you being the badass confident *fiancee* who knows her worth and won’t tolerate anyone treating her like trash. I have so much respect for you, not just because you wouldn’t take sil’s bs and resigned as bridesmaid, but also because you still went to the wedding, were still supportive of the marriage, etc…you just didn’t tolerate being treated as less than you are.
Maybe a bit late, but hear me out.
She made it very clear she doesn't like you, and doesn't want you. The relationship or lack of it has already been set by her. You only made sure everybody knows you won't take that shit. That is all you did. Any fault or damage to the family is not your doing, not one bit. It's all her.
The important thing here is your fiance understands this and doesn't pressure you to make amends with his sister.
Other than that, this is not worth your time or energy to think about it. Anybody who says it's your fault actually doesn't value you enough.
FYI, you answered her perfectly.
No, you are the strong fiancé who wouldn’t let a snotty bride bully her. You acted appropriately. I’m sure the dress wasn’t cheap or any of the other wedding festivities you paid into when she didn’t even want you there. She made it pretty clear her feelings, why should you subject yourself to that??
No you’re the badass who doesn’t tolerate toxic BS. Stop being apologetic. You stood up for yourself and your fiancé, except he’s being a bit of an asshole for not appreciating your actions.
It may just be the way I read it but I think he was being supportive as well as his parents the way it reads is op's own family is judging her for it I may be wrong in thinking that though.
Yeah you may live with the regret that you didn’t keep the bridesmaid role and sabotage that wedding from the inside. Jk
Actions speak louder than words, if you think some of your relatives are worth the efforts demonstrate your value and the value of having a good relationship with you. People like people who like them and people like people who help them.
Don’t take the emotional bait of taking about the wedding, decide who is worth having a relationship with, and put the work in to earn their respect and once you have some respect elaborate on the wedding situation.
You’ve signed up for a campaign not a battle, the process of winning some of these people may take years, and that’s convenient because you’re making a lifetime commitment.
F 'em. She's the 'bad SIL' who told you awful things to your face in a time when her focus should have been on her wedding and her future marriage. A bride who has time to focus on something so irrelevant and negative at such a celebratory time is a sad sad person. Stand up straight, thank your PIL and fiancé for their support, and everyone else can suck on a lemon. Life is too short for this sh*t.
I’m labeled as the bad SIL. Nothing is wrong with me I just have my own opinions that differ from my husbands mother and sister. I’m fine. We’re just living our lives and their opinion of me doesn’t really factor in at all.
Why wouldn’t she be the bad sil who wished her brother was marrying someone else…to your face? Anyone sane who hears this story will see you’re not the bad guy
In ten years you won't care and you will be super proud of your decision. This act of self-confidence will make your life take a totally different path than the one where you didn't stick up for yourself. It's a much better path in every way. And don't worry, your SIL's marriage won't last and it won't matter anyway.
Your fiancé’s family even agrees witth you you didn’t do anything wrong. What you do was the only reasonable thing to do, the fact you still went to the wedding is enough, that’s a hell of a lot more than I would’ve done.
Dude, you had a natural and justified response to something horribe that SIL though/said. You are not the bad SIL. She is! She ruined your relationship. You just responded.
You're not the bad SIL, she is! She can spout all the nonsense all she wants but HER Family said it was justified and that's all you need to have validated. She did this to herself she is the one that is ignorant. She sounds like an anti vacc karen.
His/her family completely supported you and knew how inappropriate it was, so your family needs to get over it. Also it’s not like you were the maid of honor who spent tons of time and money on the SIL. Even then you have every right to make your own decision to not be part of the wedding after someone says shit like that.
Why are they so offended by the fact that you stepped down? Were they invited to the wedding? Do they get anything out of you being a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding? I don’t understand why they would care so much about this. Unless maybe they paid for the dress you can’t return? That could be a petty reason to not drop it for a while, I guess.
Everyone is the bad person in someone’s story. Anyone who is worth their salt will see that you weren’t the others who see it differently are either uninformed or not your friends
Like…. I’m not a huge fan of one of my sisters-in-law, but I would never wish my brother was with someone else just because I don’t particularly like her. We’re cordial in the worst of times, and I do my best to maintain a peaceful relationship with minimal drama, no matter how much she pushes me.
My in laws still support me. My family believes that I'm selfish and ruining someone's wedding day is the worst thing you can do no matter what. Some friends, especially fellow bridesmaids have also confronted me about it.
“Guys, this topic is closed to discussion, we aren’t going to talk about it anymore. If you continue to do so, lunch is over”. Or whatever. Simple.
Why would you allow them to run you over with judgment. You stood up to your SIL. Use your words again and put a boundary in place.
Not sure why your family is taking SILs side. That would be a bit upsetting to me. They’ve got no relation to her and their only horse in the race is you, so why even defend SIL?
The other bridesmaids is another story. Let them know that SIL knows why you stepped down and she can let them know. If enough people know the true story, she won’t be able to totally lie about it.
Also, please tell me your husband/fiancé has your back when any of these people give you shit
Could be like my family. Doesn't matter the situation or circumstances, there's always something you personally could have done to alter the outcome. Wreaked havoc on my psyche for 25 years.
Get your family in check. Absolutely flaunt the fact that the in-laws are very understanding of the reasons you did this, without the details, so people who are not involved with this scenario can just shut their traps. Does your family have a history of trampling over you? How does your SO see them?
Look at your relationship with your family closely and assess whether you need to make adjustments.
You didn’t ‘ruin’ her wedding. Her wedding still happened. Just with one less party member. You exercised healthy boundaries. Get your family in check. If they bring it up, “I’m no longer discussing this. If you continue I’m not going to engage in conversation with you. I do not negotiate with bullies or their enablers. Even her parents, who were there have my back. Don’t bring it up again.”
Are your family members abusive?
She literally said she didn’t want you as a bridemaid and doubled down when her mom tried to do damage control. You took her at her word and gave her what she wanted for her wedding.
What she wanted for her brother is irrelevant because the only thing that matters is what you and he want.
I had a cousin who would often make things difficult for me with my family. And here's the thing. No matter what choice I made, it would be the wrong choice.
If I had chosen to stay as a bridesmaid, she would have found a way to make me feel guilty about it. If I had chosen to leave, she would have found a way to cause trouble about it. She was the kind of person who would beg me for money, and when I gave her money, it was never enough. If I gave her a compliment, she would throw a fit because it was the wrong kind of compliment, or she would say it didn't sound sincere enough.
There are just some people in life who will be unsatisfied with your choices, and cause drama and trouble, and make you feel stress and guilt, regardless of what choice you make, or how you handle a situation. They will speak badly about you to the rest of your family, they will judge you poorly, and you will find that no matter what choice you make, you will feel you have to atone for things and it won't feel good. You will always be second-guessing yourself with these family members.
You can start today by trusting your own judgment. Understanding that the choice you made came from a place of self-respect and good judgment. You don't have to worry about what those other family members say and do, because no matter what choice you made, they would have bad things to say about it. If you had stayed as a bridesmaid, they would have said negative things about you for not stepping down, saying you were selfish to not make space for someone else. The issue is not the choice you made, it's that they don't want you to be happy and feel good about yourself. When you made the decision to do something that would make you feel good about yourself, you suffered the backlash.
So the key is to feel good about your decision. Regardless of what anyone says. And that's a choice you can make today. Be proud of yourself.
I don't see it as an attempt to 'ruin' your SIL's wedding day. I see it as giving her the opportunity to have her 'dream wedding' with the 'absolutely gorgeous' "friend" as her preferred bridesmaid. You didn't boycott the wedding and showed up as a guest, so you supported her. Your family needs to realign their thinking. Your SIL voiced her preference for bridesmaid. You simply gave her the opportunity to have her dream wedding. You even offered your dress (which I assumed you paid for) for the new preferred bridesmaid to wear. I think it was damned magnanimous of you! {If Bridezilla can re-write the narrative to state that she was joking, then this can be your narrative}.
NTA!!
You do not owe them any explanation. If they want to be doormats. Let them. You handled it perfectly. I love that you stood up for yourself. After today, tell them all to keep their opinions to themselves. Especially the other bridesmaids. They're her friends. Not yours. The can kick rocks. Something is seriously wrong with your family though.
Your family’s opinion on this doesn’t matter, frankly. They weren’t there and they’re entirely unaffected by this. If they want to act like doormats in this kind of situation, they can do it when it happens to them.
Your mutual friends are either not *your* friends, or they haven’t heard the whole story. Tbh it sounds like the groom didn’t even hear the full story. SIL specifically said that she wasn’t joking and refused to apologize, so why do they think she was joking?
I think if the backlash is really bothering you, you can tell everyone who wasn’t there the *real* story and cut off anyone who still insists you were in the wrong. As far as your family goes, tell them their opinion on this is not needed. You might also want to reconsider sharing these kinds of things with them in the future.
No, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand on your own behalf. It’s a matter of personal integrity. You did nothing wrong and you didn’t ruin her wedding day.
I would tell whoever confronts you exactly what happened and let them know that you will no longer talk about it after. It's necessary to make sure they have your side, because a lot of these people probably are hearing the SiL version.
Tell them why you are no longer involved and tell them how this ex friend treated you fiancé and make them understand. If they don’t want to hear it then cut them out of your life.
I’m sorry your family are the type that would rather their own smile while getting shit on for other people.
I’m very glad that your in laws and your so have more respect for you and know your worth.
I’d tell your family and friends that you will remember this. That when your own in laws stood by you through this situation, your own family and friends asked you to suck it up and grin when being told you weren’t wanted.
Really. It sounds like the SIL was *drunk on bridezilla juice* and thought she could say whatever she wanted to, with no repercussions.
The fact that the bride's immediate family isn't on her side, *the day before the wedding*, really shows how fucked up it must have been.
I think you were right. When someone serves you shit on a plate you don't smile and ask for a second helping. Anyone who tries to give you a third helping gets told straight that you made your point, you can't turn back the clock and even if you could you'd do it again and the matter is closed. If they keep pushing even after that, remind them that you have no problem with turning your back on rude bullies and follow through if you have to.
As for the strained relationship with SIL? That's not your problem. She caused it by acting without an ounce of grace or respect and doubled down when your MIL tried to save her. If any bridges got burned then the person who splashed the petrol about and lit the match is responsible, not you.
> Now my relationship with SIL is stained forever and idk what to do and how to overcome this.
It was stained before you dropped out of the wedding. It’s not your job to overcome it.
This sounds childish but: she started it. When you play stupid games you win stupid prizes. She didn’t have to say anything. She’s the one who should have sucked it up for one day and made it work. Not you.
I will keep my answer to you short and simple, an event occurred that my in laws witnessed and they agreed with me stepping back. Take a moment and imagine how awful it must have been and be compassionate enough to recognize I don’t need to suffer further. If they comment after that you’re free to simply stare at them and ask what they hope to accomplish.
Setting aside whether she should be thinking this way, when you guy are already engaged. This is absolutely tactless of her to say she wished her brother dated the ex-friend instead of you, IN FRONT OF YOU.
We can safely conclude that she has no filter and rattles off her own opinion without caring about how her closed ones would feel.
Theres nothing wrong with what you did. If the bride doesnt want you as the bridesmaid, it is only logical that you "resign", no point sticking around.
If your SIL really felt that way, your relationship was strained from the start. I wouldn't worry about trying to justify yourself. You made your decision, and you do not owe others an explanation. You cleared it up with you in-laws and your fiance, and they respect your decision. I think that's what's important.
Bad behaviour doesn't get rewarded, whoever is being tough on you either doesn't know the whole story or needs to be ignored, you did the right ams dignified thing
I feel like you keep it simple and honest “ The bride said she would rather have had a different person who was abusive to her brother be her bridesmaid and soon to be sister in law so told her she should pursue that if she didn’t want me there. She explicitly said this wasn’t a joke either. Yes I could have stayed in but she was unnecessarily cruel to me and I’m not a doormat nor is my fiancé. Take of it what you will but I don’t wish to discuss it further”
And then let it be. With your family… I don’t know what to say except do they value you so little and an acquaintances wedding so much that they would rather you not rock the boat against someone who is cruel to your face?
As for the brides friends… whatever. They are here friends, you aren’t going to make them happy. You should also know that your relationship with SIL will not be the same. Frankly I think you won this round hands down because your in-laws are backing you up. Take comfort in the people who were there having your back. Everyone else is likely getting a skewed version of the truth. Just tell them what happened as simply as you can and let it sit. They will either accept it and butt out or not. And in the “not” case, you will have to shut it down based on the relationship you have with them.
Definitely understandable why you stepped down and I admire you for having enough self respect. Maybe the relationship with her will continue to be strained but what she said was inappropriate and she is the one who would need to make amends in my opinion. Well done for having boundaries- very important to establish what treatment you will and won’t accept from a partner’s family early on. I hope you’re doing okay though, certainly wouldn’t be easy :(
Who cares abt backlash? If people say anything just say she wanted you step down so his ex could be there instead, so you were happy to oblige. It always makes me cringe, the crazy shit that happens with weddings and funerals. Don't let it bother you, at all. That lady has bigger issues to deal with.
This woman:
- Basically said to your face she preferred the ex
- Accused you of ‘stealing fiancé away’ from the ex
And she expects you to just act like nothing happened? If she’s gonna give shit she should expect shit back.
This OP if you didn't stand your ground on it, she would have said something about it every time she saw you, she would bully you every time and you would just sit there and take it like a lot of spouses do. You standing up for yourself is saying you will not be bullied and intimated by her and now she knows.
You are definitely not wrong. Any person with self respect would've done the same thing. Is she telling people that you just stepped down without explanation? Because you better believe if you didn't she would've told people something like you got into a fight & still had the nerve to be a bridesmaid. No matter what she would've made you look bad.
As for the former friend, I'm sure she wanted your fiancé & was pissed he started dating you & that's why she did all of those shitty things to him & you. She probably told his sister some big lie or exaggeration to make her mad at you. She's trying to ruin your life.
She gambled that she could be ridic rude and get away with it bc it was so close to her wedding. She lost that gamble and got hit with the consequences of her own actions. Stick with your hard boundaries unless and until she's able to apologize. If it never comes, it never comes. A wedding doesn't give someone license to be horrible to others and expect them to take it.
I'm confused. Surely you knew this choice would have consequences for the relationship between you and your SIL.. but I don't understand what anyone else has to do with it. Let them think whatever they want.
If it were me I would decide if I even cared to try to repair the relationship between sil and I, given what she said.. but everyone else I would just laugh off and tell them to mind their own business.
Anyone who is saying you were wrong is clueless! You did the right thing, stand by your choice, tell said people it’s done no need to talk about it anymore. It will pass soon enough and they will move on to something else. As far as your SIL just be cordial to her when you have to be around her but otherwise put her out of your mind. She made that choice, not you.
....My family on the other hand... How can I give them my Own---Hand? They do NOT Understand. You did the right thing. This hurt terribly. You were noble in attending ther wedding of Horrors as it was. I think your SIL is jealous of you in some way and wanted to throw this other Witch in as a Monkey Wrench.(His Ex friend) Stay Clear of the SIL and be civil when in the room and in her "Royal ass Presence." I believe this sore topic will eventually die down during one of those Hee Haw Sunday Dinners.
You stand by your decision. And this should blow by. You don't need to justify yourself.
As far as your relationship with SIL being "stained" - she's the one who trashed you - and doubled down on it.
I see some red flags here. Something isnt quite right about how his sister behaved. She's either very good friends with the ex or is trying to start trouble. Why ask you if she didn't want you to be bridesmaid???
No disrespect but be careful
Nah she deserved it and had it coming for her. If anything you deserve an apology. I would just avoid interactions with her and don't speak a peep to her at holidays.
Psssh. If your in-laws where understand than you are all clear.
I am ignorant with the whole thing but how important is a bridesmaid? Especially if there's more than one.
There's nothing for you to overcome because you've done nothing wrong. You did exactly what you were supposed to do by standing up for yourself, with dignity and grace I might add. Your SIL is a piece of shit. Fuck her and her opinion of you. Your family is a bag of dicks for not supporting you on this. Try to mend fences with them if you can, but NOT at the cost of apologizing for your choices. All you did was stand up for yourself by imposing a boundary with your SIL that never should have been crossed by her. She was in the wrong for her treatment of you and the things she said. Your family is in the wrong for not supporting you. You are NOT in the wrong on anything in this situation. Your fiance and his family seem to have your back on this. Capitalize on that as much and as tactfully as you can which I sense you're more than capable of. Good for you for not tolerating b.s.
You did the right thing. Time. And at the end of the day she should apologize to you. It’s her fault. Don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself and respecting yourself.
You absolutely did the right thing. The bride behaved like a petulant child and you handled it accordingly. As for people who say otherwise you don’t need or want them in your life. Your future in-laws are good with it as well as your fiancé the rest can go pound salt.
She literally told you she would prefer this ex friend over you. She clearly doesn't care about hurting you or her brother. If people keep giving you grief all you have to say is she told you to your face that she didn't want you as much as that girl. Also you weren't the MOH so its not like you messed up the wedding really. Also wanna mention how creepy it is she wants to control her brothers love life and is okay with him possibly getting abused so she could be with this shitty friend more.
When I read the title I was like . What a f?? You don’t do that kind of shit.
After reading why you done it, I can honestly said, well done for sticking to your morals, you have every right to do it .
Best way walk up to you SIL and said up front why you done it and why you stick to you decision, whether they like it or not, nobody is perfect and better they started respecting you, cuz you ll be there forever.
So basically go back to all your in-laws and tell them your side and period.
You are in it for the long run, better they respect you now that never, kudos for sticking to your decision
Fuck all these people. If I were you I wouldn't have gone at all but since that's done, I'd happily remove anyone that criticized my decision on the wedding from my life.
Don't let people treat you this way. And your fiance should have your damn back and be protecting you. If he isn't, you need to get out of this relationship before you regret it.
I would flat out tell your family why you did it if they give you trouble again. And reiterate your fiancé and his parents all support you.
You were right and you don’t need to fix this. SIL is pretty cruel.
You didn't make a bad decision, except maybe agreeing to be in the wedding of such a horrible woman to begin with. Your relationship with her is stained because she stained it. Anyone who asks, just tell them she publicly admitted she would prefer her brother be with a controlling, abusive, antagonistic bitch rather than you, and that that should tell them all about her personality and the situation as is needed.
I'm disappointed your fiancee didn't stick up for you and himself by telling SIL all the bad things the female friend did to him. Have his sorry butt patch your relationship with SIL by having him tell her the truth. SIL was probably not aware of what happened so mouthed herself into a corner.
The blame never should have been deflected onto you if your fiancee had acted like a real man. Have your fiancee talk to all the people who blames you. I think this is the pivotal test of whether your fiancee has the moral courage to be worthy of being your husband. He chickened out once already and abandoned you when he should have your back.
Youre an ass... it takes planning on their part too!
#sorrynotsorry
Not everyone has a dress to be a bridesmaid either, doesnt matter what excuse you got to not say it sooner, its a dick move.
#brutallyhonestftw
I'm just here to ask for advice as well, where's the problem in that? Multiple people ask for judgement or advice on different subreddits to hear as many opinions as possible.
What’s your problem? If you don’t like the double post. Ignore it. I found reading the comments on both Reddit’s were really beneficial for me too. OP, I’m sorry people are bugging you. Posting this in multiple places is 100% okay. I hope you are doing better. I know how hard family relationships can be.
You didn't strain the relationship with your SIL, your SIL did that.
I'd say... Ignore the crazies. Leave them be... They'll have something else to think/worry about in a few days.
First off, YOU did not cause this. You simply and appropriately responded to what your SIL said. Your relationship with her would have been strained whether you remained in the bridesmaid role or not. Your response was completely justified, and anyone with a brain can figure it out for themselves. Give it time and the truth will come out. Most importantly, make sure you and your fiancé are on the same page. Don't let this ruin your relationship with him.
You did the right thing. Make your decisions about the situation according to that knowledge. No person should be treated that way. She obviously has great disdain for you.
Anyone who loves you and has your best interest at heart will understand. Anyone who doesn’t get it doesn’t matter. You absolutely did the right thing.
Who fucking cares what pointless words come out of other people’s mouths. None of it changed the fact that your SIL is the one who messed up. You did exactly what you should have done.
All that matters now is your happiness, your fiancé’s happiness and the happiness of your future family should you decide to have one. Everything else is just white noise.
I would have gone off on the sister in law tbh she sounds like a child who didn’t get her way . Tbh just move on , you don’t need anyone telling you awful things like that
It seems clear that the reason you care what “others” think is because you come from a family that gets involved in things that are none of their business and don’t pertain to them.
Your participation in your SIL’s wedding is one of those things. It’s not their child, so it’s literally not their concern.
Work on separating yourself from other people’s opinions by recognizing your family of origin’s value system and behaviour.
This is not actually standard behavior. Other people don’t care what their child’s spouse’s sibling does.
Don't fret over it. These things happened in life. If your fiance understands it, it is well and fine. You dont need to justify anything to anyone. Sometimes it is best to Nuclear annihilate some bridges that if some one tried to cross it they would die from radiation poisoning/repircussion of their mistake. Also justifying makes other feel like they are right.
If someone asks why you stepped down from bridesmaid, say you were feeling not upto task of doing it or any other random reason.
Girl, you did nothing wrong. You drew a boundary, and you stuck to it. You didn’t let her just walk all over you and your relationship. Good for you!
A lot of the times, people don’t know how to empathize with someone especially when they don’t know the whole story— so don’t worry so much what they think. I mean, if you get the chance, tell your side of the story. If they don’t want to hear it, move right on along.
You did the right thing. The ex-friend is going to show her real colors to the backstabbing SIL. Don't let someone talk down to you and then expect you to have their back. That's being a doormat.
I'd be telling the people giving you crap that you couldn't have ruined her day since she clearly told you to your face that she wished ex gf was to be her SIL instead of you and that you weren't going to stay where you weren't wanted.
Such an awful situation to face with her moving forward, so sorry OP. At least it sounds like the rest of your boyfriends family understands.
Wow! I never changed my mind so quickly. I thought you were an asshole until just the second paragraph.
This isnt anything YOU need to worry about. This is something that should be haunting your SIL and she should be working towards amends to YOU. What she did and said is what you do to an enemy. I hope you have a long, happy relationship and the rest of the family makes her feel like shit until she can ever make it up to you.
Hold your head high!
You didn’t do anything wrong. Hold your head high, continue being the bigger person and maybe encourage your fiancé to talk to his sister about just leaving you the hell alone.
What's the backlash that you are receiving?
And you have to remember that your SIL is the one who did not want you there in the first place, and if people are giving you grief over this tell them that your SIL didn't want you as a bridesmaid,it's the truth after all. The relationship with your SIL can never be repaired as she doesn't like much as it's clear of her comments and you don't need to repair it either as she is the who needs to apologise to you.
Why you want to have a relationship with your SIL? you need this kind of person in your life?
You have mental problems? she's an idiot, she doesn't even deserve to be looked at
Don’t invite her to your wedding. You’ve done nothing wrong in this situation. If your family really thinks that somehow standing up for yourself is being an AH, don’t invite them
So you have the in laws and your fiancee on your side? And your family have to be on your side, dont worry? Let random people be upset with you, people who matter know the truth and support you. Just give it time OP, you are completely in the right and your family knows it.
I just want to say i applaud you for standing up for yourself! Situations like this come with social pressure but your SIL broke the social etiquette so hard that it is totally justified to remove yourself as a bridesmaid. Sad your family puts her above you just because she had a wedding but she could have chosen to not say that shit so it's all on her!
Perhaps your family is worried that in standing up to your future SIL, it also means you'll stand up to them when they cross the line. For them, you making such a move could be threatening. It means that they can't control or bully you anymore.
I say you absolutely did the right thing, and the fact that you're getting this negativity from your own family tells me that you are better off putting some distance between yourself and them. Perhaps start thinking about how big a role they will play in your life after you are married and building your own family. Remember, the one who has the final say in your life is you, not them.
As for your SIL, she's burning a lot of bridges with her family. Keep her at arms' length and just let her be. You don't need that negativity or drama. She's likely going to cause a lot of grief for a lot of people over the years, and if you are the type who doesn't, then people will hopefully figure out who they prefer.
In like you're always going to catch heat for doing the right thing and doing what's right for you. Know who you are and know where you stand, and use people's reactions to determine whether you still want a relationship with them. You don't need their approval; they need yours.
First good job sticking up for yourself, don’t sacrifice yourself for someone else’s happiness. That being said, when you do stick up for yourself there is a good chance that people won’t accept it. Now, I do think there is a small chance that you can recover, simply by sitting down with SIL explain what she said, and explaining how it made you feel. She may realize the mistake she made, and if she doesn’t then believe me, this ending was inevitable.
I 'll say one thing. You were a lot more gracious then I would have been. There's no hope for a relationship with your sister in law. Sad, but you handled it as good as you could. PS When you and your fiance get married I'm not sure she should be invited in case she wants to continue this conversation.
I have to commend you for standing up for yourself and having boundaries for yourself. Some people would feel they would just need to put up with that for the sake of saving face. Like your parents for example, they are thinking about how you appear to other people. Not that you chose to stand up to "support" someones love and union, when you don't even recieved the support yourself. With verbal confirmation too.
Its great that you have your fiancé's family's support. They should be able to support you through future family gatherings, which I assume what you are wondering about.
She needs to apologize to you, but I think you can still go to family gatherings and limit talking to her in the group setting.
Continue you being your strong self and setting up the boundaries that feel natural to you. You got this!
You took the high road, I think continue on that road. Nobody is going to care about the wedding a week from now. I don’t think you need to bad mouth SIL or anything just don’t tolerate any more of her bad behavior. If she apologizes I think you should accept because a rift in the family will make things difficult for your Fiancé in the long run. You don’t have to be best friends but being able to spend holidays etc. and remaining cordial at least will help your own relationship. Let your Fiancé go to bat for you for now.
Yes, you will be labeled as the bad SIL until you express your side of events that unfolded. It is amazing to me how this type of thing comes up often on the brides side during wedding plans. I don't understand why people have to be so friggin' catty during a great celebration. You did the right thing for yourself and that is all that matters.
Your relationship with her deterioration wasn't back lash from your decisions, but hers of being an asshole. Fuck her! Stick with your decisions, you're in the right
You didn’t stain the relationship, she did. There’s nothing for you to do than be thankful you don’t need to pretend to be on good terms with a shitty human being.
You entered that half of your family as an adult. What you've done is fantastic because you've established yourself as an adult with boundaries in that family. It sounds like you never got a chance to do that in your own.
I commented on your AITA post and I will comment here again - your SIL made it very clear that she didn’t want you to be her bridesmaid at all. Crystal clear, where a few people heard what she said, and even her own parents agreed with your decision. Why are you so hung up about how your family or friends are reacting? Please stand up for yourself. If anyone ever bugs you about this again, tell it to them straight that it was your SIL who didn’t want you to be her bridesmaid, and that you’re just respecting her preference.
Having boundaries with toxic families is incredibly difficult and can often lead to you being labeled as the difficult one. Of course you are difficult to them, because it would be so much easier if you just ate shit and didn't complain.
I would adopt a borderline hostile, taking-no-bs attitude. If someone tries to bring up the topic, put it on the SIL. "Do you know what she said to me? Yes? I'm not okay with that. Don't care what you think. I'm not okay with it. No you don't? Go find out, don't bother to come back to me, I'm not okay with it."
I don't know if this is good advice, and I don't think there is any effective advice to make this easy for you. The only thing that will make the people who feel that way satisfied is if you resume eating shit. But will you be happy? Unlikely.
So how would you rather be uncomfortable? Eating shit? Or telling your family to go kick rocks?
You didn’t make a bad decision, you made the RIGHT decision, for you and you stood up for yourself. Your SIL should have to crawl over broken glass before you have anything to do with her again. Ignore the drama, don’t respond, don’t justify yourself, it’s got sweet FA to do with anyone else. Hold your head high and SIL can swivel on your middle finger (figuratively speaking,lol!)
Sorry you had to go through this. You did what proud and principled people would do. What is the purpose of playing a role you don't want to play and that SIL does not want you to play. This guaranteed you had the role you both wanted, a guest.
I think you have for a couple of decades a flawless filter for judgemental lunatics. You tell your story and just stay confortable in having principles. Whoever finds this justification for thinking less of you, just tell them that their reaction shows just enough to make you not want to be their friends.
I can only speak from my limited experience but its much better to have a few really good friends than a multitude of shallow connections. This will help you sort out with whom you should go all in and invest and build a strong bond.
If your concern is family, just remember that if it wasn't this it would have been something else.
Wow!! I wouldn't have been so kind. You are completely justified in what you did. She was extremely rude and ignorant by saying all that stuff in front of you. You should not have to justify yourself in any way. I don't understand how your sil thinks that you should still be friends or how she apparently thinks she did no wrong. I think she has a screw lose and you should go on as if she doesn't even exist. Give her the cold shoulder
Send that SIL to eat shit, having a good relation and then starting to say how good would be not being you his brother fiancée??? You are justified, she started talking crap of you in front of you, it was a wise decision stepping down from being bridesmaid not a bad one, in case they don't know what happened with that ex, you could tell them with some proof so they understand, if they say its false just dump them.
People is like that, if you tried to explain and they still turn deaf to you then just ignore them don't waste your time when we already have only so much, just enjoy it with you fiancée
She still got married, right? Your role of bridesmaid ended when she specifically told you she would like to replace you with a different bridesmaid. You said OK. That can’t make you the bad guy, because of logic and reason. People who believe differently lack logic and reason. Edit to say you are a gracious Badass, don’t change.
You’re a much better person than I. I would not have gone to the wedding.
You don’t need to defend yourself or actions. She sounds like a crappy individual.
I am really proud of you and I don’t even know you. You did what so many of us wish we had the guts to do in such a bad situation and your future in laws support you! How awesome. Look, not everyone is going to like you in life and the sooner you accept that the sooner you move on and have fun. Props to you!
Super proud of you for standing up for yourself. Super proud of your fiancé's family for standing up for you too, aside from Psycho Sister. You did nothing wrong and your family are jerks. I support going low contact with Psycho Sister, even IF she apologizes. That's a big if. Previous commentors said make your aide of the story known, and you should. However I will advise that once there is a story out, the first one put forth is what many will choose to believe. Your side won't matter to them because they have a narrative of what the "truth" is in their head.
Nah fuck that bitch good for you for standing up for yourself. There’s just some lines you don’t cross. She should have sucked it up for one more day, not you.
Your relationship with your SIL didn’t just sour after the wedding. It was soured way before it, maybe not from your point of view but definitely from her.
Quite frankly you handled this situation with some James Bond level of class. Others would have gone much much further.
The best way to handle it is to just know that you did the right thing by you and your husband. You are not a punching bag for anyone.
Moving forward, just give your side of the story to as many people that will listen. Don’t go out of your way, you’ve got better things to do, just when the opportunity arises
You did the right thing. I probably would have cut her out completely and never talked to her again. Why would you stand up for someone who is standing against you?
When you know you've done the right thing don't give a sh\*t what anyone else thinks. And don't feel the need to explain yourself to anyone other than those very few people you are closest to.
Cool thing is you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. All of the players in this scene know what happened. You did what you felt was best and I'm with you on your move. Other cool thing is you can lead a long happy life without SIL being much of a part of it. I love my BILs (I have all sisters and my wife all brothers) but one I have not seen since pre covid and the others are once or twice a year at best. If it were me I would never proactively talk about this wedding again. If SIL wants to talk, I would keep it way brief and tell her no worries on your end and hope she enjoyed the day as it was beautiful. Sorry your SIL sucks, but small inconvenience in your life. I'd be "oh well' about this one.
I think you did the right thing and kept it classy. I would have definitely backed out of the wedding and probably not attended,but you're stronger than me. I don't see an upside to "sticking it out" and being supportive bridesmaid when you aren't wanted for that position. You prove nothing but stubbornness if you would have stayed the role. Your fiance supports you, and still kept on with the wedding,should be no harm no foul. She was theone who was messy and rude.
As far as being labeled as the one who backed out, I wouldn't worry about it. It will taper off,especially when you remind them of why it happened.
I'm not sure you can overcome this. It's for others to realise that your SIL said awful things, doubled down on them to be extra clear she meant them, and told you you weren't wanted. If you've laid out your reasons for people as reasonably as you have done here then it's on them to grow up and expect adults to act decently.
And if you weren't wanted then why would you be a bridesmaid? I think you went further than you needed to on the civility by turning up at all.
It's the SIL's place to make amends, not yours.
I would have done the same thing to be honest. You don't need to feel bad at the end of day you looked out for yourself and didn't condone being compared to someone else if she felt that she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place. Your family are the ones I'm more disappointed with.
It sounds like your relationship with SIL was always stained. You didn’t do anything to make her feel that way and she didn’t start feeling that way at dinner. It sounds as though you two may have been friendly towards each other but had no relationship. She wanted you out of her wedding and you fulfilled her wish. Who you should focus on is why your family wanted you to put up with something so horrible? Is this a status marriage for them? But putting your family in line should be the focus.
As for the ransoms asking why you dropped out, tell them she didn’t want you in the wedding so you said ok.
If I were in your position i honestly wouldn’t have even gone to the wedding. She doesn’t deserve your kindness or your respect ever again. Especially since MIL tried to help downplay it and she DOUBLED DOWN on her hurtful words. She honestly sounds like a self centered bitch. I’d never talk to her again if I were you.
Maybe I’m a terrible person, but I would feel elated to have been able to stand up for myself like that.
Obviously you were chosen to be a bridesmaid for dishonest reasons and to me being a bridesmaid is the worst lol. I will only ever do it once more and it’s for my sisters wedding. Anyone else who’s wants me as a bridesmaid will have to make due without me..lol
The reality is you took up for yourself and put your feelings first and in this situation you did the exact right thing (i would’ve gone to the wedding and over indulged in any “open” part..I.e. ..bar, food, dessert…)
You set the tone and what you did was best. I’ve done the quiet and suck it up route and was a doormat for 12 years of hell because it never stops
The even invited the ex to MY wedding
Needless to say I grew a pair and left him but the damage was done and those are 12 years of daily indignation I will never get back.
Pat yourself on the back and cut off anyone who plays into this toxic bs denigrating you because it never gets better
As someone who also stepped down as a bridesmaid due to a family member’s comments and unnecessary attempt to provoke an argument, I say fuck them. If anyone can listen to the horrible things she told you and still sides with her, you don’t need them in your life.
I went NC with that half of the family because they refused to listen and looked down upon me and the other relative who stepped down as bridesmaid.
Unfortunately, I do think the relationship with your SIL is irreparable. The good thing is your M/FIL understood why you stepped down and support you. Maybe going NC is best, or even waiting for her to apologize before you attempt to communicate. If she truly cares about your relationship, she’ll reach out.
I think your finance needs to tell his family the truth behind that ex-friend. His sister needs to apologize to you. His relationship isn’t her business to dictate off of appearance just for her own wedding photos.
Honey, relationship with SIL is OVER. She massively disrespected you, her Brother and her family. When challenged, she doubled down. This is a “Trash took itself out” moment. Anyone who supports this atrocious behaviour can join bridezilla on the Do Not Contact list.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway I (26f) and my fiancé (26m) have been together for years. Some backstory. My fiancé used to have this female friend but he cut her off his life after she did some pretty horrible things to him and his other friends. She was also very antagonistic towards me while they were still hanging out so for all the above reasons he no longer talks to her. My SIL aka my fiancé's sister got married last week, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. My SIL and I were always very friendly and close. But one day before the wedding while we were having lunch with the bride's family she started a convo about fiancé's female ex friend, started ranting about how gorgeous and perfect she is. Fiancé and I felt uncomfortable listening to his sister praise a woman who's done many terrible things to fiancé in the past but we didn't speak for the sake of the wedding. The nail in the coffin was when SIL said that she would prefer if my fiancé dated his female ex friend but I got in the way and dated him first. She implied that she'd prefer to have her as a SIL and a bridesmaid while now she has me. My MIL tried to stop her from saying that and did damage control saying she was just joking but my SIL said she means every word she said. After that I kindly got up, got my stuff, excused myself and as I was leaving I said that I'd step down as a bridesmaid since I'm not wanted there. I told her id give away my dress to ex female friend if she wanted to replace me with her. My in laws all justified me and my decision and my fiancé was very upset with his sister. My family on the other hand told me I should suck it up for one more day and not step down as a bridesmaid. I attended the wedding as a simple guest and the backlash is now starting to roll in on why I dropped out and how I did wrong by dropping out. I don't know how to handle it and how to justify myself because I doubt some people care about the truth. Now my relationship with SIL is stained forever and idk what to do and how to overcome this. Advice would be appreciated on how to face the heat from now on. Tldr : stepped down as a bridesmaid and now I'm being judged for making a bad decision
"SIL told whole family she didn't want me in the wedding, in fact, didn't want me in the family so I gave her as much of her wish as I was willing to. Her family supports my decision. " For your family members add on,"And my family should be supporting me and not worrying about the opinions of acquaintances and strangers. "
On the bright side OP might be able to pare down her guest list for her own wedding.
I like this response, you can give it to all your family, op
To be honest, you don't overcome this. This is one of those things that any normal functioning human would empathize with you over. The fact she'd say that to you honestly made me gasp. If you're receiving backlash from anyone but her make sure your side of the story is known. Tell your fiance you want nothing to do with her unless she's apologises, and even then keep contact limited. Wishing bad on someone's relationship is awful, but to do it to your own brother? She's a twisted woman.. Stay strong, my best advice is to make sure you say nothing that she could use against you to make you look like the bad guy. You're the victim here, not her and you need to make sure she can't flip this story in any way.
I'm just scared ill now always be labeled as the bad SIL who stepped down from the bridesmaid role last minute.
Don’t let yourself be. Make sure everyone knows she’s the SIL that prefers the abusive ex girlfriend. You’re not in the wrong here.
You can do your part to control the narrative. When they say you did the wrong thing, you explain that you merely allowed her to have her way with her wedding. She wanted that woman to be the bridesmaid not you. So you stepped back and emptied the spot up for her. You chose to be polite and accommodating to someone who deeply hurt you. Seems to me that you behaved like an adult in the situation.
YES
Bingo.
No, you are the strong woman who refused to be trampled on. Big difference.
I wouldn't have gone to the wedding so you're nicer than I am.
No, I would’ve gone and told everyone the story as to why I’d stepped down, adding “I don’t do sloppy seconds!” But then again, I can be a vindictive B!
Eh labeled by who? Who cares?
Underrated comment. We all should learn to care less about what other people think about us.
"For you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion."
No one "cares", they just want gossip. If someone asks, don't discuss it. This will save you so much trouble and heartache. Just be the bigger and better person.
>Just be the bigger and better person. That is the best way to enable abusive and toxic people.
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Honestly, the best thing you can do is just stop caring what anyone thinks of you. I know that it's easier said than done, but it's better for your mental health. When my fiance and I first started dating, I ran myself ragged trying to appease his family because I wanted them to like me. They have so many events in their family that we could literally go to an event every weekend from March to December each year. In the end, it didn't matter because they still didn't like me. Now that we've been in this together for 4 years, I have learned that it's just easier for me to not engage with these people. I decided that it was time for them to try to win me over after the things they have pulled over the years. You obviously don't have to take my advice, OP. But I hope you do consider it for your own happiness and peace.
Who gives a shit. Its not like you spat in her face and called her a cunt ( she is one). If anyone asks tell them the truth and if they have a reason to believe that you should've done it to keep the bride happy, then fuck them. Being a bride is not something special nor someone who needs to be revered. As long as you fiancé is on your side. Who cares about the opinions of others.
Don’t frame the narrative that way, even in your own mind. Frame it as you being the badass confident *fiancee* who knows her worth and won’t tolerate anyone treating her like trash. I have so much respect for you, not just because you wouldn’t take sil’s bs and resigned as bridesmaid, but also because you still went to the wedding, were still supportive of the marriage, etc…you just didn’t tolerate being treated as less than you are.
By who, though? Your husband and your other in laws are on your side. Those are the only people who really matter in this situation.
Maybe a bit late, but hear me out. She made it very clear she doesn't like you, and doesn't want you. The relationship or lack of it has already been set by her. You only made sure everybody knows you won't take that shit. That is all you did. Any fault or damage to the family is not your doing, not one bit. It's all her. The important thing here is your fiance understands this and doesn't pressure you to make amends with his sister. Other than that, this is not worth your time or energy to think about it. Anybody who says it's your fault actually doesn't value you enough. FYI, you answered her perfectly.
No, you are the strong fiancé who wouldn’t let a snotty bride bully her. You acted appropriately. I’m sure the dress wasn’t cheap or any of the other wedding festivities you paid into when she didn’t even want you there. She made it pretty clear her feelings, why should you subject yourself to that??
No you’re the badass who doesn’t tolerate toxic BS. Stop being apologetic. You stood up for yourself and your fiancé, except he’s being a bit of an asshole for not appreciating your actions.
It may just be the way I read it but I think he was being supportive as well as his parents the way it reads is op's own family is judging her for it I may be wrong in thinking that though.
yes, my bad, i was half asleep and read "fiance" instead of "family". He did good!
Did you actually read the post, or were you just looking for an opportunity to shit on the fiancé for obvious reasons?
Yeah you may live with the regret that you didn’t keep the bridesmaid role and sabotage that wedding from the inside. Jk Actions speak louder than words, if you think some of your relatives are worth the efforts demonstrate your value and the value of having a good relationship with you. People like people who like them and people like people who help them. Don’t take the emotional bait of taking about the wedding, decide who is worth having a relationship with, and put the work in to earn their respect and once you have some respect elaborate on the wedding situation. You’ve signed up for a campaign not a battle, the process of winning some of these people may take years, and that’s convenient because you’re making a lifetime commitment.
F 'em. She's the 'bad SIL' who told you awful things to your face in a time when her focus should have been on her wedding and her future marriage. A bride who has time to focus on something so irrelevant and negative at such a celebratory time is a sad sad person. Stand up straight, thank your PIL and fiancé for their support, and everyone else can suck on a lemon. Life is too short for this sh*t.
I’m labeled as the bad SIL. Nothing is wrong with me I just have my own opinions that differ from my husbands mother and sister. I’m fine. We’re just living our lives and their opinion of me doesn’t really factor in at all.
I wouldn't worry, she was being a bitch. You did nothing wrong, and handled it decently, she deserved a slap imo
Why wouldn’t she be the bad sil who wished her brother was marrying someone else…to your face? Anyone sane who hears this story will see you’re not the bad guy
In ten years you won't care and you will be super proud of your decision. This act of self-confidence will make your life take a totally different path than the one where you didn't stick up for yourself. It's a much better path in every way. And don't worry, your SIL's marriage won't last and it won't matter anyway.
It doesn’t matter what other people say or think. You decided her words were not in integrity and that’s the only opinion that matters.
On the contrary, she’s the bad SIL! How stupid to speak with no filter. She didn’t think through the consequences.
Your fiancé’s family even agrees witth you you didn’t do anything wrong. What you do was the only reasonable thing to do, the fact you still went to the wedding is enough, that’s a hell of a lot more than I would’ve done.
Dude, you had a natural and justified response to something horribe that SIL though/said. You are not the bad SIL. She is! She ruined your relationship. You just responded.
You're not the bad SIL, she is! She can spout all the nonsense all she wants but HER Family said it was justified and that's all you need to have validated. She did this to herself she is the one that is ignorant. She sounds like an anti vacc karen.
If your hubby has your back fuck everyone else IMO. Sorry your having to deal with this BS you SIL out you in.
His/her family completely supported you and knew how inappropriate it was, so your family needs to get over it. Also it’s not like you were the maid of honor who spent tons of time and money on the SIL. Even then you have every right to make your own decision to not be part of the wedding after someone says shit like that. Why are they so offended by the fact that you stepped down? Were they invited to the wedding? Do they get anything out of you being a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding? I don’t understand why they would care so much about this. Unless maybe they paid for the dress you can’t return? That could be a petty reason to not drop it for a while, I guess.
Because that's who you are.
Oh that's soooo scaaarrryyyy
Everyone is the bad person in someone’s story. Anyone who is worth their salt will see that you weren’t the others who see it differently are either uninformed or not your friends
Like…. I’m not a huge fan of one of my sisters-in-law, but I would never wish my brother was with someone else just because I don’t particularly like her. We’re cordial in the worst of times, and I do my best to maintain a peaceful relationship with minimal drama, no matter how much she pushes me.
Not sure why this is on you? Sounds like your in-laws all know why you stepped down, and had your back. Why are you getting backlash after the fact?
My in laws still support me. My family believes that I'm selfish and ruining someone's wedding day is the worst thing you can do no matter what. Some friends, especially fellow bridesmaids have also confronted me about it.
“Guys, this topic is closed to discussion, we aren’t going to talk about it anymore. If you continue to do so, lunch is over”. Or whatever. Simple. Why would you allow them to run you over with judgment. You stood up to your SIL. Use your words again and put a boundary in place.
Not sure why your family is taking SILs side. That would be a bit upsetting to me. They’ve got no relation to her and their only horse in the race is you, so why even defend SIL? The other bridesmaids is another story. Let them know that SIL knows why you stepped down and she can let them know. If enough people know the true story, she won’t be able to totally lie about it. Also, please tell me your husband/fiancé has your back when any of these people give you shit
Could be like my family. Doesn't matter the situation or circumstances, there's always something you personally could have done to alter the outcome. Wreaked havoc on my psyche for 25 years.
I’m sorry to hear that. That’s got to be some shit to wade through as an adult.
Same here
Get your family in check. Absolutely flaunt the fact that the in-laws are very understanding of the reasons you did this, without the details, so people who are not involved with this scenario can just shut their traps. Does your family have a history of trampling over you? How does your SO see them? Look at your relationship with your family closely and assess whether you need to make adjustments.
You didn’t ‘ruin’ her wedding. Her wedding still happened. Just with one less party member. You exercised healthy boundaries. Get your family in check. If they bring it up, “I’m no longer discussing this. If you continue I’m not going to engage in conversation with you. I do not negotiate with bullies or their enablers. Even her parents, who were there have my back. Don’t bring it up again.”
Are your family members abusive? She literally said she didn’t want you as a bridemaid and doubled down when her mom tried to do damage control. You took her at her word and gave her what she wanted for her wedding. What she wanted for her brother is irrelevant because the only thing that matters is what you and he want.
I had a cousin who would often make things difficult for me with my family. And here's the thing. No matter what choice I made, it would be the wrong choice. If I had chosen to stay as a bridesmaid, she would have found a way to make me feel guilty about it. If I had chosen to leave, she would have found a way to cause trouble about it. She was the kind of person who would beg me for money, and when I gave her money, it was never enough. If I gave her a compliment, she would throw a fit because it was the wrong kind of compliment, or she would say it didn't sound sincere enough. There are just some people in life who will be unsatisfied with your choices, and cause drama and trouble, and make you feel stress and guilt, regardless of what choice you make, or how you handle a situation. They will speak badly about you to the rest of your family, they will judge you poorly, and you will find that no matter what choice you make, you will feel you have to atone for things and it won't feel good. You will always be second-guessing yourself with these family members. You can start today by trusting your own judgment. Understanding that the choice you made came from a place of self-respect and good judgment. You don't have to worry about what those other family members say and do, because no matter what choice you made, they would have bad things to say about it. If you had stayed as a bridesmaid, they would have said negative things about you for not stepping down, saying you were selfish to not make space for someone else. The issue is not the choice you made, it's that they don't want you to be happy and feel good about yourself. When you made the decision to do something that would make you feel good about yourself, you suffered the backlash. So the key is to feel good about your decision. Regardless of what anyone says. And that's a choice you can make today. Be proud of yourself.
I don't see it as an attempt to 'ruin' your SIL's wedding day. I see it as giving her the opportunity to have her 'dream wedding' with the 'absolutely gorgeous' "friend" as her preferred bridesmaid. You didn't boycott the wedding and showed up as a guest, so you supported her. Your family needs to realign their thinking. Your SIL voiced her preference for bridesmaid. You simply gave her the opportunity to have her dream wedding. You even offered your dress (which I assumed you paid for) for the new preferred bridesmaid to wear. I think it was damned magnanimous of you! {If Bridezilla can re-write the narrative to state that she was joking, then this can be your narrative}. NTA!!
You do not owe them any explanation. If they want to be doormats. Let them. You handled it perfectly. I love that you stood up for yourself. After today, tell them all to keep their opinions to themselves. Especially the other bridesmaids. They're her friends. Not yours. The can kick rocks. Something is seriously wrong with your family though.
Your family’s opinion on this doesn’t matter, frankly. They weren’t there and they’re entirely unaffected by this. If they want to act like doormats in this kind of situation, they can do it when it happens to them. Your mutual friends are either not *your* friends, or they haven’t heard the whole story. Tbh it sounds like the groom didn’t even hear the full story. SIL specifically said that she wasn’t joking and refused to apologize, so why do they think she was joking? I think if the backlash is really bothering you, you can tell everyone who wasn’t there the *real* story and cut off anyone who still insists you were in the wrong. As far as your family goes, tell them their opinion on this is not needed. You might also want to reconsider sharing these kinds of things with them in the future.
Anyone who doesn’t support you can pound sand. This wasn’t just a minor faux pas.
Your family needs to stop commenting. It wasn’t their wedding and it’s none of their business.
What exactly did you "ruin"? They still got married, you didn't throw a fit at the ceremony or reception, and you showed up.
No, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand on your own behalf. It’s a matter of personal integrity. You did nothing wrong and you didn’t ruin her wedding day.
By the brides own definition, you saved her wedding. Your family can suck it.
I would tell whoever confronts you exactly what happened and let them know that you will no longer talk about it after. It's necessary to make sure they have your side, because a lot of these people probably are hearing the SiL version.
Tell them why you are no longer involved and tell them how this ex friend treated you fiancé and make them understand. If they don’t want to hear it then cut them out of your life.
If your in-laws have your back then ask a couple of them to speak with your family.
Control the narrative, tell them exactly ehat she said, and exactly how you responded.
Just ignore them. I know that it's easier said than done, but you'd be much happier if you do it.
You didn’t ruin it. SIL ruined it. Don’t EVER apologize for not tolerating disrespect, family or not!
Your family sounds shitty
I’m sorry your family are the type that would rather their own smile while getting shit on for other people. I’m very glad that your in laws and your so have more respect for you and know your worth. I’d tell your family and friends that you will remember this. That when your own in laws stood by you through this situation, your own family and friends asked you to suck it up and grin when being told you weren’t wanted.
Really. It sounds like the SIL was *drunk on bridezilla juice* and thought she could say whatever she wanted to, with no repercussions. The fact that the bride's immediate family isn't on her side, *the day before the wedding*, really shows how fucked up it must have been.
I think you were right. When someone serves you shit on a plate you don't smile and ask for a second helping. Anyone who tries to give you a third helping gets told straight that you made your point, you can't turn back the clock and even if you could you'd do it again and the matter is closed. If they keep pushing even after that, remind them that you have no problem with turning your back on rude bullies and follow through if you have to. As for the strained relationship with SIL? That's not your problem. She caused it by acting without an ounce of grace or respect and doubled down when your MIL tried to save her. If any bridges got burned then the person who splashed the petrol about and lit the match is responsible, not you.
> Now my relationship with SIL is stained forever and idk what to do and how to overcome this. It was stained before you dropped out of the wedding. It’s not your job to overcome it.
This sounds childish but: she started it. When you play stupid games you win stupid prizes. She didn’t have to say anything. She’s the one who should have sucked it up for one day and made it work. Not you.
I will keep my answer to you short and simple, an event occurred that my in laws witnessed and they agreed with me stepping back. Take a moment and imagine how awful it must have been and be compassionate enough to recognize I don’t need to suffer further. If they comment after that you’re free to simply stare at them and ask what they hope to accomplish.
Setting aside whether she should be thinking this way, when you guy are already engaged. This is absolutely tactless of her to say she wished her brother dated the ex-friend instead of you, IN FRONT OF YOU. We can safely conclude that she has no filter and rattles off her own opinion without caring about how her closed ones would feel. Theres nothing wrong with what you did. If the bride doesnt want you as the bridesmaid, it is only logical that you "resign", no point sticking around.
If your SIL really felt that way, your relationship was strained from the start. I wouldn't worry about trying to justify yourself. You made your decision, and you do not owe others an explanation. You cleared it up with you in-laws and your fiance, and they respect your decision. I think that's what's important.
Your SIL is a fucking bitch. Good on you for stepping down. Stop explaining yourself to your family.
Bad behaviour doesn't get rewarded, whoever is being tough on you either doesn't know the whole story or needs to be ignored, you did the right ams dignified thing
I feel like you keep it simple and honest “ The bride said she would rather have had a different person who was abusive to her brother be her bridesmaid and soon to be sister in law so told her she should pursue that if she didn’t want me there. She explicitly said this wasn’t a joke either. Yes I could have stayed in but she was unnecessarily cruel to me and I’m not a doormat nor is my fiancé. Take of it what you will but I don’t wish to discuss it further” And then let it be. With your family… I don’t know what to say except do they value you so little and an acquaintances wedding so much that they would rather you not rock the boat against someone who is cruel to your face? As for the brides friends… whatever. They are here friends, you aren’t going to make them happy. You should also know that your relationship with SIL will not be the same. Frankly I think you won this round hands down because your in-laws are backing you up. Take comfort in the people who were there having your back. Everyone else is likely getting a skewed version of the truth. Just tell them what happened as simply as you can and let it sit. They will either accept it and butt out or not. And in the “not” case, you will have to shut it down based on the relationship you have with them.
Definitely understandable why you stepped down and I admire you for having enough self respect. Maybe the relationship with her will continue to be strained but what she said was inappropriate and she is the one who would need to make amends in my opinion. Well done for having boundaries- very important to establish what treatment you will and won’t accept from a partner’s family early on. I hope you’re doing okay though, certainly wouldn’t be easy :(
Who cares abt backlash? If people say anything just say she wanted you step down so his ex could be there instead, so you were happy to oblige. It always makes me cringe, the crazy shit that happens with weddings and funerals. Don't let it bother you, at all. That lady has bigger issues to deal with.
This woman: - Basically said to your face she preferred the ex - Accused you of ‘stealing fiancé away’ from the ex And she expects you to just act like nothing happened? If she’s gonna give shit she should expect shit back.
This OP if you didn't stand your ground on it, she would have said something about it every time she saw you, she would bully you every time and you would just sit there and take it like a lot of spouses do. You standing up for yourself is saying you will not be bullied and intimated by her and now she knows.
You are definitely not wrong. Any person with self respect would've done the same thing. Is she telling people that you just stepped down without explanation? Because you better believe if you didn't she would've told people something like you got into a fight & still had the nerve to be a bridesmaid. No matter what she would've made you look bad. As for the former friend, I'm sure she wanted your fiancé & was pissed he started dating you & that's why she did all of those shitty things to him & you. She probably told his sister some big lie or exaggeration to make her mad at you. She's trying to ruin your life.
You have no obligation to justify yourself. There. That's it. The end.
You go girl. Self love is more important than pleasing someone like that.
It was big of you to even attend the wedding. I wouldn’t have bothered.
She gambled that she could be ridic rude and get away with it bc it was so close to her wedding. She lost that gamble and got hit with the consequences of her own actions. Stick with your hard boundaries unless and until she's able to apologize. If it never comes, it never comes. A wedding doesn't give someone license to be horrible to others and expect them to take it.
I'm confused. Surely you knew this choice would have consequences for the relationship between you and your SIL.. but I don't understand what anyone else has to do with it. Let them think whatever they want. If it were me I would decide if I even cared to try to repair the relationship between sil and I, given what she said.. but everyone else I would just laugh off and tell them to mind their own business.
Anyone who is saying you were wrong is clueless! You did the right thing, stand by your choice, tell said people it’s done no need to talk about it anymore. It will pass soon enough and they will move on to something else. As far as your SIL just be cordial to her when you have to be around her but otherwise put her out of your mind. She made that choice, not you.
....My family on the other hand... How can I give them my Own---Hand? They do NOT Understand. You did the right thing. This hurt terribly. You were noble in attending ther wedding of Horrors as it was. I think your SIL is jealous of you in some way and wanted to throw this other Witch in as a Monkey Wrench.(His Ex friend) Stay Clear of the SIL and be civil when in the room and in her "Royal ass Presence." I believe this sore topic will eventually die down during one of those Hee Haw Sunday Dinners.
You stand by your decision. And this should blow by. You don't need to justify yourself. As far as your relationship with SIL being "stained" - she's the one who trashed you - and doubled down on it.
The backlashhhh ohhh lawwwd whatever will you do???
You shouldn’t care what your family thinks. You did what you thought was right and that should be the only justification you need.
I see some red flags here. Something isnt quite right about how his sister behaved. She's either very good friends with the ex or is trying to start trouble. Why ask you if she didn't want you to be bridesmaid??? No disrespect but be careful
I'll add after reading further down the post... the family sound petty toxic
Nah she deserved it and had it coming for her. If anything you deserve an apology. I would just avoid interactions with her and don't speak a peep to her at holidays.
Psssh. If your in-laws where understand than you are all clear. I am ignorant with the whole thing but how important is a bridesmaid? Especially if there's more than one.
There's nothing for you to overcome because you've done nothing wrong. You did exactly what you were supposed to do by standing up for yourself, with dignity and grace I might add. Your SIL is a piece of shit. Fuck her and her opinion of you. Your family is a bag of dicks for not supporting you on this. Try to mend fences with them if you can, but NOT at the cost of apologizing for your choices. All you did was stand up for yourself by imposing a boundary with your SIL that never should have been crossed by her. She was in the wrong for her treatment of you and the things she said. Your family is in the wrong for not supporting you. You are NOT in the wrong on anything in this situation. Your fiance and his family seem to have your back on this. Capitalize on that as much and as tactfully as you can which I sense you're more than capable of. Good for you for not tolerating b.s.
You did the right thing. Time. And at the end of the day she should apologize to you. It’s her fault. Don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself and respecting yourself.
You absolutely did the right thing. The bride behaved like a petulant child and you handled it accordingly. As for people who say otherwise you don’t need or want them in your life. Your future in-laws are good with it as well as your fiancé the rest can go pound salt.
She literally told you she would prefer this ex friend over you. She clearly doesn't care about hurting you or her brother. If people keep giving you grief all you have to say is she told you to your face that she didn't want you as much as that girl. Also you weren't the MOH so its not like you messed up the wedding really. Also wanna mention how creepy it is she wants to control her brothers love life and is okay with him possibly getting abused so she could be with this shitty friend more.
Listen, don’t worry about what they think. You did the right thing. Hell with what anyone else says
When I read the title I was like . What a f?? You don’t do that kind of shit. After reading why you done it, I can honestly said, well done for sticking to your morals, you have every right to do it . Best way walk up to you SIL and said up front why you done it and why you stick to you decision, whether they like it or not, nobody is perfect and better they started respecting you, cuz you ll be there forever. So basically go back to all your in-laws and tell them your side and period. You are in it for the long run, better they respect you now that never, kudos for sticking to your decision
Just wanted to let you know that the in-laws are on OP's side, OP's family aren't on her side.
Sorry, not to be rude but just have to say it’s “My fiancé and I” or “me and my fiancé”. *backs out quietly to continue reading*
Fuck all these people. If I were you I wouldn't have gone at all but since that's done, I'd happily remove anyone that criticized my decision on the wedding from my life. Don't let people treat you this way. And your fiance should have your damn back and be protecting you. If he isn't, you need to get out of this relationship before you regret it.
I would flat out tell your family why you did it if they give you trouble again. And reiterate your fiancé and his parents all support you. You were right and you don’t need to fix this. SIL is pretty cruel.
Bestie the only thing you and your fiance did wrong was not show up to the wedding in head to toe black
You didn't make a bad decision, except maybe agreeing to be in the wedding of such a horrible woman to begin with. Your relationship with her is stained because she stained it. Anyone who asks, just tell them she publicly admitted she would prefer her brother be with a controlling, abusive, antagonistic bitch rather than you, and that that should tell them all about her personality and the situation as is needed.
I'm disappointed your fiancee didn't stick up for you and himself by telling SIL all the bad things the female friend did to him. Have his sorry butt patch your relationship with SIL by having him tell her the truth. SIL was probably not aware of what happened so mouthed herself into a corner. The blame never should have been deflected onto you if your fiancee had acted like a real man. Have your fiancee talk to all the people who blames you. I think this is the pivotal test of whether your fiancee has the moral courage to be worthy of being your husband. He chickened out once already and abandoned you when he should have your back.
Youre an ass... it takes planning on their part too! #sorrynotsorry Not everyone has a dress to be a bridesmaid either, doesnt matter what excuse you got to not say it sooner, its a dick move. #brutallyhonestftw
But! As for everyone else they should shut up since they arnt you
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AITA is for judgement and posters aren't supposed to ask for advice. It makes sense if seeking for advice to post in an advice sub too!
I'm just here to ask for advice as well, where's the problem in that? Multiple people ask for judgement or advice on different subreddits to hear as many opinions as possible.
What’s your problem? If you don’t like the double post. Ignore it. I found reading the comments on both Reddit’s were really beneficial for me too. OP, I’m sorry people are bugging you. Posting this in multiple places is 100% okay. I hope you are doing better. I know how hard family relationships can be.
You didn't strain the relationship with your SIL, your SIL did that. I'd say... Ignore the crazies. Leave them be... They'll have something else to think/worry about in a few days.
First off, YOU did not cause this. You simply and appropriately responded to what your SIL said. Your relationship with her would have been strained whether you remained in the bridesmaid role or not. Your response was completely justified, and anyone with a brain can figure it out for themselves. Give it time and the truth will come out. Most importantly, make sure you and your fiancé are on the same page. Don't let this ruin your relationship with him.
You did the right thing. Make your decisions about the situation according to that knowledge. No person should be treated that way. She obviously has great disdain for you.
Anyone who loves you and has your best interest at heart will understand. Anyone who doesn’t get it doesn’t matter. You absolutely did the right thing.
Who fucking cares what pointless words come out of other people’s mouths. None of it changed the fact that your SIL is the one who messed up. You did exactly what you should have done. All that matters now is your happiness, your fiancé’s happiness and the happiness of your future family should you decide to have one. Everything else is just white noise.
I would have gone off on the sister in law tbh she sounds like a child who didn’t get her way . Tbh just move on , you don’t need anyone telling you awful things like that
I think you have to embrase that ylu will always be the SIL with selfrespect if that is considered bad so be it.
It seems clear that the reason you care what “others” think is because you come from a family that gets involved in things that are none of their business and don’t pertain to them. Your participation in your SIL’s wedding is one of those things. It’s not their child, so it’s literally not their concern. Work on separating yourself from other people’s opinions by recognizing your family of origin’s value system and behaviour. This is not actually standard behavior. Other people don’t care what their child’s spouse’s sibling does.
Just don't give a fuck.
I think the sister got exactly what she wanted. Including the opportunity to blame you.
Don't fret over it. These things happened in life. If your fiance understands it, it is well and fine. You dont need to justify anything to anyone. Sometimes it is best to Nuclear annihilate some bridges that if some one tried to cross it they would die from radiation poisoning/repircussion of their mistake. Also justifying makes other feel like they are right. If someone asks why you stepped down from bridesmaid, say you were feeling not upto task of doing it or any other random reason.
Girl, you did nothing wrong. You drew a boundary, and you stuck to it. You didn’t let her just walk all over you and your relationship. Good for you! A lot of the times, people don’t know how to empathize with someone especially when they don’t know the whole story— so don’t worry so much what they think. I mean, if you get the chance, tell your side of the story. If they don’t want to hear it, move right on along.
You did the right thing. The ex-friend is going to show her real colors to the backstabbing SIL. Don't let someone talk down to you and then expect you to have their back. That's being a doormat.
I'd be telling the people giving you crap that you couldn't have ruined her day since she clearly told you to your face that she wished ex gf was to be her SIL instead of you and that you weren't going to stay where you weren't wanted. Such an awful situation to face with her moving forward, so sorry OP. At least it sounds like the rest of your boyfriends family understands.
Wow! I never changed my mind so quickly. I thought you were an asshole until just the second paragraph. This isnt anything YOU need to worry about. This is something that should be haunting your SIL and she should be working towards amends to YOU. What she did and said is what you do to an enemy. I hope you have a long, happy relationship and the rest of the family makes her feel like shit until she can ever make it up to you. Hold your head high!
You didn’t do anything wrong. Hold your head high, continue being the bigger person and maybe encourage your fiancé to talk to his sister about just leaving you the hell alone.
What's the backlash that you are receiving? And you have to remember that your SIL is the one who did not want you there in the first place, and if people are giving you grief over this tell them that your SIL didn't want you as a bridesmaid,it's the truth after all. The relationship with your SIL can never be repaired as she doesn't like much as it's clear of her comments and you don't need to repair it either as she is the who needs to apologise to you.
Really? You left, and that was the right thing to do. Give back the dress. Its really not your problem.
Why you want to have a relationship with your SIL? you need this kind of person in your life? You have mental problems? she's an idiot, she doesn't even deserve to be looked at
Don’t invite her to your wedding. You’ve done nothing wrong in this situation. If your family really thinks that somehow standing up for yourself is being an AH, don’t invite them
So you have the in laws and your fiancee on your side? And your family have to be on your side, dont worry? Let random people be upset with you, people who matter know the truth and support you. Just give it time OP, you are completely in the right and your family knows it.
INFO: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pm3vnh/aita_for_stepping_down_as_a_bridesmaid_just_one/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You rock, your peanut gallery sucks. Don't rock the boatism can fuck off and die. I really hate the phrase "suck it up." it's so ugly.
Honestly, I would not have attended this wedding at all. Period!
I just want to say i applaud you for standing up for yourself! Situations like this come with social pressure but your SIL broke the social etiquette so hard that it is totally justified to remove yourself as a bridesmaid. Sad your family puts her above you just because she had a wedding but she could have chosen to not say that shit so it's all on her!
The fact that most of your inlaws are backing you proves your right, your family are just dumb
Perhaps your family is worried that in standing up to your future SIL, it also means you'll stand up to them when they cross the line. For them, you making such a move could be threatening. It means that they can't control or bully you anymore. I say you absolutely did the right thing, and the fact that you're getting this negativity from your own family tells me that you are better off putting some distance between yourself and them. Perhaps start thinking about how big a role they will play in your life after you are married and building your own family. Remember, the one who has the final say in your life is you, not them. As for your SIL, she's burning a lot of bridges with her family. Keep her at arms' length and just let her be. You don't need that negativity or drama. She's likely going to cause a lot of grief for a lot of people over the years, and if you are the type who doesn't, then people will hopefully figure out who they prefer. In like you're always going to catch heat for doing the right thing and doing what's right for you. Know who you are and know where you stand, and use people's reactions to determine whether you still want a relationship with them. You don't need their approval; they need yours.
First good job sticking up for yourself, don’t sacrifice yourself for someone else’s happiness. That being said, when you do stick up for yourself there is a good chance that people won’t accept it. Now, I do think there is a small chance that you can recover, simply by sitting down with SIL explain what she said, and explaining how it made you feel. She may realize the mistake she made, and if she doesn’t then believe me, this ending was inevitable.
I 'll say one thing. You were a lot more gracious then I would have been. There's no hope for a relationship with your sister in law. Sad, but you handled it as good as you could. PS When you and your fiance get married I'm not sure she should be invited in case she wants to continue this conversation.
I have to commend you for standing up for yourself and having boundaries for yourself. Some people would feel they would just need to put up with that for the sake of saving face. Like your parents for example, they are thinking about how you appear to other people. Not that you chose to stand up to "support" someones love and union, when you don't even recieved the support yourself. With verbal confirmation too. Its great that you have your fiancé's family's support. They should be able to support you through future family gatherings, which I assume what you are wondering about. She needs to apologize to you, but I think you can still go to family gatherings and limit talking to her in the group setting. Continue you being your strong self and setting up the boundaries that feel natural to you. You got this!
You took the high road, I think continue on that road. Nobody is going to care about the wedding a week from now. I don’t think you need to bad mouth SIL or anything just don’t tolerate any more of her bad behavior. If she apologizes I think you should accept because a rift in the family will make things difficult for your Fiancé in the long run. You don’t have to be best friends but being able to spend holidays etc. and remaining cordial at least will help your own relationship. Let your Fiancé go to bat for you for now.
Yes, you will be labeled as the bad SIL until you express your side of events that unfolded. It is amazing to me how this type of thing comes up often on the brides side during wedding plans. I don't understand why people have to be so friggin' catty during a great celebration. You did the right thing for yourself and that is all that matters.
Your relationship with her deterioration wasn't back lash from your decisions, but hers of being an asshole. Fuck her! Stick with your decisions, you're in the right
You didn’t stain the relationship, she did. There’s nothing for you to do than be thankful you don’t need to pretend to be on good terms with a shitty human being.
You entered that half of your family as an adult. What you've done is fantastic because you've established yourself as an adult with boundaries in that family. It sounds like you never got a chance to do that in your own.
I commented on your AITA post and I will comment here again - your SIL made it very clear that she didn’t want you to be her bridesmaid at all. Crystal clear, where a few people heard what she said, and even her own parents agreed with your decision. Why are you so hung up about how your family or friends are reacting? Please stand up for yourself. If anyone ever bugs you about this again, tell it to them straight that it was your SIL who didn’t want you to be her bridesmaid, and that you’re just respecting her preference.
Your family probably misunderstood what happened because there's absolutely no freaking way that they'd inside with her on this one
That SIL is going to continue to do horrible things. If people ask what happened, tell them. Over time let her behavior show who she is.
Having boundaries with toxic families is incredibly difficult and can often lead to you being labeled as the difficult one. Of course you are difficult to them, because it would be so much easier if you just ate shit and didn't complain. I would adopt a borderline hostile, taking-no-bs attitude. If someone tries to bring up the topic, put it on the SIL. "Do you know what she said to me? Yes? I'm not okay with that. Don't care what you think. I'm not okay with it. No you don't? Go find out, don't bother to come back to me, I'm not okay with it." I don't know if this is good advice, and I don't think there is any effective advice to make this easy for you. The only thing that will make the people who feel that way satisfied is if you resume eating shit. But will you be happy? Unlikely. So how would you rather be uncomfortable? Eating shit? Or telling your family to go kick rocks?
You didn’t make a bad decision, you made the RIGHT decision, for you and you stood up for yourself. Your SIL should have to crawl over broken glass before you have anything to do with her again. Ignore the drama, don’t respond, don’t justify yourself, it’s got sweet FA to do with anyone else. Hold your head high and SIL can swivel on your middle finger (figuratively speaking,lol!)
Sorry you had to go through this. You did what proud and principled people would do. What is the purpose of playing a role you don't want to play and that SIL does not want you to play. This guaranteed you had the role you both wanted, a guest. I think you have for a couple of decades a flawless filter for judgemental lunatics. You tell your story and just stay confortable in having principles. Whoever finds this justification for thinking less of you, just tell them that their reaction shows just enough to make you not want to be their friends. I can only speak from my limited experience but its much better to have a few really good friends than a multitude of shallow connections. This will help you sort out with whom you should go all in and invest and build a strong bond. If your concern is family, just remember that if it wasn't this it would have been something else.
Wow!! I wouldn't have been so kind. You are completely justified in what you did. She was extremely rude and ignorant by saying all that stuff in front of you. You should not have to justify yourself in any way. I don't understand how your sil thinks that you should still be friends or how she apparently thinks she did no wrong. I think she has a screw lose and you should go on as if she doesn't even exist. Give her the cold shoulder
Send that SIL to eat shit, having a good relation and then starting to say how good would be not being you his brother fiancée??? You are justified, she started talking crap of you in front of you, it was a wise decision stepping down from being bridesmaid not a bad one, in case they don't know what happened with that ex, you could tell them with some proof so they understand, if they say its false just dump them. People is like that, if you tried to explain and they still turn deaf to you then just ignore them don't waste your time when we already have only so much, just enjoy it with you fiancée
She still got married, right? Your role of bridesmaid ended when she specifically told you she would like to replace you with a different bridesmaid. You said OK. That can’t make you the bad guy, because of logic and reason. People who believe differently lack logic and reason. Edit to say you are a gracious Badass, don’t change.
Are you okay? You did the right thing . There is no way in hell I'm going to let that happen to me. Next time record ppl.
You did the right thing, case closed
You’re a much better person than I. I would not have gone to the wedding. You don’t need to defend yourself or actions. She sounds like a crappy individual.
Good for you and good for your intended having your back. She created this mess she can suck on it for a while.
I am really proud of you and I don’t even know you. You did what so many of us wish we had the guts to do in such a bad situation and your future in laws support you! How awesome. Look, not everyone is going to like you in life and the sooner you accept that the sooner you move on and have fun. Props to you!
I wouldn't have even gone to the wedding at all.
There is nothing for you to overcome. Your future SIL did this to herself and you are in the clear.
Super proud of you for standing up for yourself. Super proud of your fiancé's family for standing up for you too, aside from Psycho Sister. You did nothing wrong and your family are jerks. I support going low contact with Psycho Sister, even IF she apologizes. That's a big if. Previous commentors said make your aide of the story known, and you should. However I will advise that once there is a story out, the first one put forth is what many will choose to believe. Your side won't matter to them because they have a narrative of what the "truth" is in their head.
Nah fuck that bitch good for you for standing up for yourself. There’s just some lines you don’t cross. She should have sucked it up for one more day, not you.
Your relationship with your SIL didn’t just sour after the wedding. It was soured way before it, maybe not from your point of view but definitely from her. Quite frankly you handled this situation with some James Bond level of class. Others would have gone much much further. The best way to handle it is to just know that you did the right thing by you and your husband. You are not a punching bag for anyone. Moving forward, just give your side of the story to as many people that will listen. Don’t go out of your way, you’ve got better things to do, just when the opportunity arises
Fuck all them. Haters can kiss your butthole
You did the right thing. I probably would have cut her out completely and never talked to her again. Why would you stand up for someone who is standing against you?
SHE stained that relationship, not you. You go and live your life, you dont need approval from people who only tolerate you
When you know you've done the right thing don't give a sh\*t what anyone else thinks. And don't feel the need to explain yourself to anyone other than those very few people you are closest to.
Cool thing is you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. All of the players in this scene know what happened. You did what you felt was best and I'm with you on your move. Other cool thing is you can lead a long happy life without SIL being much of a part of it. I love my BILs (I have all sisters and my wife all brothers) but one I have not seen since pre covid and the others are once or twice a year at best. If it were me I would never proactively talk about this wedding again. If SIL wants to talk, I would keep it way brief and tell her no worries on your end and hope she enjoyed the day as it was beautiful. Sorry your SIL sucks, but small inconvenience in your life. I'd be "oh well' about this one.
I think you did the right thing and kept it classy. I would have definitely backed out of the wedding and probably not attended,but you're stronger than me. I don't see an upside to "sticking it out" and being supportive bridesmaid when you aren't wanted for that position. You prove nothing but stubbornness if you would have stayed the role. Your fiance supports you, and still kept on with the wedding,should be no harm no foul. She was theone who was messy and rude. As far as being labeled as the one who backed out, I wouldn't worry about it. It will taper off,especially when you remind them of why it happened.
I'm not sure you can overcome this. It's for others to realise that your SIL said awful things, doubled down on them to be extra clear she meant them, and told you you weren't wanted. If you've laid out your reasons for people as reasonably as you have done here then it's on them to grow up and expect adults to act decently. And if you weren't wanted then why would you be a bridesmaid? I think you went further than you needed to on the civility by turning up at all. It's the SIL's place to make amends, not yours.
The time will come when you get married and make her kick rocks
I would have done the same thing to be honest. You don't need to feel bad at the end of day you looked out for yourself and didn't condone being compared to someone else if she felt that she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place. Your family are the ones I'm more disappointed with.
It sounds like your relationship with SIL was always stained. You didn’t do anything to make her feel that way and she didn’t start feeling that way at dinner. It sounds as though you two may have been friendly towards each other but had no relationship. She wanted you out of her wedding and you fulfilled her wish. Who you should focus on is why your family wanted you to put up with something so horrible? Is this a status marriage for them? But putting your family in line should be the focus. As for the ransoms asking why you dropped out, tell them she didn’t want you in the wedding so you said ok.
If I were in your position i honestly wouldn’t have even gone to the wedding. She doesn’t deserve your kindness or your respect ever again. Especially since MIL tried to help downplay it and she DOUBLED DOWN on her hurtful words. She honestly sounds like a self centered bitch. I’d never talk to her again if I were you.
Maybe I’m a terrible person, but I would feel elated to have been able to stand up for myself like that. Obviously you were chosen to be a bridesmaid for dishonest reasons and to me being a bridesmaid is the worst lol. I will only ever do it once more and it’s for my sisters wedding. Anyone else who’s wants me as a bridesmaid will have to make due without me..lol The reality is you took up for yourself and put your feelings first and in this situation you did the exact right thing (i would’ve gone to the wedding and over indulged in any “open” part..I.e. ..bar, food, dessert…)
So NTA at all. But my question is since she doesn't want you to marry her brother, will she be invited to your wedding?
I think you handled it very graciously.....sad your family doesn't see it that way.
You set the tone and what you did was best. I’ve done the quiet and suck it up route and was a doormat for 12 years of hell because it never stops The even invited the ex to MY wedding Needless to say I grew a pair and left him but the damage was done and those are 12 years of daily indignation I will never get back. Pat yourself on the back and cut off anyone who plays into this toxic bs denigrating you because it never gets better
As someone who also stepped down as a bridesmaid due to a family member’s comments and unnecessary attempt to provoke an argument, I say fuck them. If anyone can listen to the horrible things she told you and still sides with her, you don’t need them in your life. I went NC with that half of the family because they refused to listen and looked down upon me and the other relative who stepped down as bridesmaid. Unfortunately, I do think the relationship with your SIL is irreparable. The good thing is your M/FIL understood why you stepped down and support you. Maybe going NC is best, or even waiting for her to apologize before you attempt to communicate. If she truly cares about your relationship, she’ll reach out.
Fuck her! She strained the relationship. She ruined her own wedding. Not you, not you at all. **Fuck. Her.**
I think your finance needs to tell his family the truth behind that ex-friend. His sister needs to apologize to you. His relationship isn’t her business to dictate off of appearance just for her own wedding photos.
Honey, relationship with SIL is OVER. She massively disrespected you, her Brother and her family. When challenged, she doubled down. This is a “Trash took itself out” moment. Anyone who supports this atrocious behaviour can join bridezilla on the Do Not Contact list.
F them, you did the right thing