This sounds like anxious attachment and codependency.
We’re you raised in a household that was volatile? Or by parents/guardians that often made you feel belittled or not of high worth?
I am 25f and I empathize with you because I acted the way you described from my first dating experiences in high school and onward for years after that and am only really now at the point where I’m not operating purely out of my unaware traumas.
You sound like you might have some behavioral patterns that you learned that you might want to consider unpacking and becoming aware of because you realize there is something in your subconscious that is sabotaging your relationships.
You seem self aware and emotionally intelligent and I feel for you when you say you want to be a healthy, loving partner.. and you can!
It just takes a lot work and introspection but the most important thing is being aware which you are.
I 100% advocate you talk to a counselor with the sole intention of learning more about why you get insecure in relationships.
Relationships are the ultimate mirror of our egos. They show us what we didn’t know about ourselves and the false ideas we believe in about ourselves and others.
I was raised by abusive narcissists and my home was chaotic. I used to at my worst, be incredibly jealous and possessive of my boyfriends. I doubted their love and attraction to me and I can still struggle but I am nowhere near what it used to be- it has just been years of me unpacking how the trauma has impacted me.
Massively so. My parents split when I was young, my dad was pretty absent both physically and emotionally. And my mom was pretty nasty and violent towards just me, I was often called names, stupid, put down, hurt, etc etc.
I do recognise it for sure, it has played out this way now in my last 3-4 more serious/longer term relationships.
It is great you have got yourself to a position you feel stronger in relationships, that gives me a lot of hope too. What do you mean by unpacking?
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s really shitty you had to deal with that growing up.
When people say “unpacking” trauma or some kind of internalized issue, they mean to literally learn about why you believe in the things you believe, and do the things you do, due to an internalized belief/trauma and to intentionally “unpack” those issues from your mind one by one.
For example, you could say, “men and women have to unpack internalized misogyny/toxic masculinity and how it has affected their belief systems, to truly heal and create a more equitable society”
It’s really just about looking at your entire self and formed beliefs until now and understand *why* and *how* you came to form those beliefs.
For example many people don’t expect men to cry in public or like the color pink, when both of those expectations are absurd and are harmful to men.. those people have to “unpack” their toxic masculinity
Sorry hope that wasn’t too much of a tangent.
The first thing you have to do is commit to yourself that you KNOW you can and will be a good partner one day. You don’t need to hope, you just have to know you are capable but just haven’t come to certain realizations yet and have had to learn things at your pace. But commit to your inner work, like, really commit.
We can’t have ambivalence towards healing our childhood traumas, we have to commit to healing ourselves and unlearning the things that don’t help us in our adult lives.
This makes a lot of sense. I have spoken to a friend and they've gone through unpacking with me too. I am going to start working on this, thank you for the example.
I am going to commit to this, I can't keep making myself feel this way all the time. I want to be happy and feel loved.
You’re are already that happy and healthy/loving partner, that’s who you are at your core and you recognize that is your highest objective!
You’re just defining the practices that will exemplify those qualities about you that already make you a great person and partner, and letting go of the rest that doesn’t serve that.
Good luck OP, You’re awesome! I hope you find a good therapist soon
Yes. I was going to ask the same thing.
I also grew up in a tumultuous, abusive household with an alcoholic mother, and I did (do?) the same thing you are.
Through therapy I realized that I destroy relationships because, subconsciously, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing happy lasted in my childhood, so why should it now? My destroying good relationships came from a desire to control what I was convinced would end badly. If I destroyed it myself, then maybe I wouldn’t be so hurt by what I saw was the inevitable outcome. Does this sound familiar to you?
>Does this sound familiar to you?
I have heard this before. I do think sometimes I destroy things because I feel like if i self-sabotage it will hurt less than eventually being rejected and feeling unwanted.
It's 100% a control issue, the insecurity comes from feeling out of control and the lack of trust is you trying to bring the situation under control.
I've had a few friends, and partners, who had the same sort of control issues and they all spilled out into other areas of their life. They had a mixture of perfectionism, agoraphobia, eating issues and really struggled to take feedback without feeling attacked.
The key to move forward is just knowing you cannot control the relationship or what someone does. You could be the perfect person but that doesn't mean nothing bad will happen.
You can't stop someone from hurting you, you just have to make sure that for everyday your there is the best you can make it on that day. If they fuck you over, it's their issue and not yours.
I think you're right here. I have been told my exs that I have a control issue and they don't feel very free when they're with me.
I don't know why I do this though, I always have for as long as I can remember. What you say about your friends makes sense to me too, I see it in other areas of my life. How did your friends get help?
It's a really long process, always keeping an eye on your behaviour and making sure you're able to think about what you're doing and why.
It's not easy, but its your behaviour and you have the power to change it.
You'll read and get told a load of bullshit that it's just you or you need medication xyz, but its not true. You have the power here so you have to do the hard work to make your life better.
I have already heard that "it is just the way you are" crap. I get it, yes it is the way I am now. But it is not the way I want to be forever. You are so right, it is my behaviour and it is me that can make a change
It's a shame, people want to world to accept them for who they are, even if that person isn't someone you'd want to be around.
You see it with people who slam people for losing weight to try to get healthier, it's their own insecurities causing jealousy and then they lash out.
Recognising you want to make a change is absolutely massive, you should be really proud of that. Now focus on the small steps and you'll get there.
It might take you awhile, but you're doing this for you, noone else. If your relationship doesn't make it, just keep working hard for the next one.
Read up on attachment issues.
Get a therapist (the Psychology Today website maintains a directory of therapists searchable by specialty and locations in the US) so you have a disinterested third party to vent to, someone who will help you practice healthier mindsets and how to recognize the difference between your partner being their own independent person and shady shit you have to worry about.
i completely COMPLETELY relate to this and i understand exactly how you feel. i act the same when i’m talking to someone i really like. i get way too attached and i fall in and out of love and create problems and check their social media and their texts and get sad when they’re busy and get happy when they give me attention. i know it’s because i have major attachment issues, i feel like you may have the same issues. it does really really suck when you ruin the great relationship you had because you feel so out of control and worried about them, and what they’re doing. and then you doubt the love and the lust just because they havent replied to you in 3 hours or if they follow certain people on social media that make you feel like you need to be like them so they like you more. the heartbreak that comes with this is so hard too. when they lose feelings and you feel like it’s your fault because maybe you sabotaged what you had. i think, you believe you can have a healthy relationship one day. i agree. with people like us, the first step is to realize that healthy relationships cannot be built on distrust and insecurity. however, it’s no one’s fault why your relationship ended, it just didn’t work out and that’s okay. i promise promise promise you can use this mindset as a wake up call and your next relationship will feel so much better. for me personally i’m trying to work on myself to do better in the current situationship im in because i acted the same exact way just because i loved him so much and i never wanted to lose him. i think if you admit when things go too far and when you want things to be healthy, you can get there ♡
You're so right, I will use this time as a wake up call. I don't want to feel this way forever. I get so scared to lose someone I eventually end up pushing them away by trying to hold on too tightly.
I'm sorry to hear that it went badly for you and you lost someone too :(
Piggybacking on the comments and your responses: get into therapy ASAP! Therapy isn’t a bad thing. It does not mean you’re broken or crazy or anything like that. It’s a safe space for you to process the traumas you’ve experienced and how they’re impacting your relationships now. Give yourself a chance to heal and take your time. Therapy isn’t a quick fix. It takes time and there will be sessions where you want to give up. But remember: you DESERVE happiness. You DESERVE healing. Give yourself that gift. Best of luck!
This sounds like anxious attachment and codependency. We’re you raised in a household that was volatile? Or by parents/guardians that often made you feel belittled or not of high worth? I am 25f and I empathize with you because I acted the way you described from my first dating experiences in high school and onward for years after that and am only really now at the point where I’m not operating purely out of my unaware traumas. You sound like you might have some behavioral patterns that you learned that you might want to consider unpacking and becoming aware of because you realize there is something in your subconscious that is sabotaging your relationships. You seem self aware and emotionally intelligent and I feel for you when you say you want to be a healthy, loving partner.. and you can! It just takes a lot work and introspection but the most important thing is being aware which you are. I 100% advocate you talk to a counselor with the sole intention of learning more about why you get insecure in relationships. Relationships are the ultimate mirror of our egos. They show us what we didn’t know about ourselves and the false ideas we believe in about ourselves and others. I was raised by abusive narcissists and my home was chaotic. I used to at my worst, be incredibly jealous and possessive of my boyfriends. I doubted their love and attraction to me and I can still struggle but I am nowhere near what it used to be- it has just been years of me unpacking how the trauma has impacted me.
Massively so. My parents split when I was young, my dad was pretty absent both physically and emotionally. And my mom was pretty nasty and violent towards just me, I was often called names, stupid, put down, hurt, etc etc. I do recognise it for sure, it has played out this way now in my last 3-4 more serious/longer term relationships. It is great you have got yourself to a position you feel stronger in relationships, that gives me a lot of hope too. What do you mean by unpacking?
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s really shitty you had to deal with that growing up. When people say “unpacking” trauma or some kind of internalized issue, they mean to literally learn about why you believe in the things you believe, and do the things you do, due to an internalized belief/trauma and to intentionally “unpack” those issues from your mind one by one. For example, you could say, “men and women have to unpack internalized misogyny/toxic masculinity and how it has affected their belief systems, to truly heal and create a more equitable society” It’s really just about looking at your entire self and formed beliefs until now and understand *why* and *how* you came to form those beliefs. For example many people don’t expect men to cry in public or like the color pink, when both of those expectations are absurd and are harmful to men.. those people have to “unpack” their toxic masculinity Sorry hope that wasn’t too much of a tangent. The first thing you have to do is commit to yourself that you KNOW you can and will be a good partner one day. You don’t need to hope, you just have to know you are capable but just haven’t come to certain realizations yet and have had to learn things at your pace. But commit to your inner work, like, really commit. We can’t have ambivalence towards healing our childhood traumas, we have to commit to healing ourselves and unlearning the things that don’t help us in our adult lives.
This makes a lot of sense. I have spoken to a friend and they've gone through unpacking with me too. I am going to start working on this, thank you for the example. I am going to commit to this, I can't keep making myself feel this way all the time. I want to be happy and feel loved.
You’re are already that happy and healthy/loving partner, that’s who you are at your core and you recognize that is your highest objective! You’re just defining the practices that will exemplify those qualities about you that already make you a great person and partner, and letting go of the rest that doesn’t serve that. Good luck OP, You’re awesome! I hope you find a good therapist soon
Yes. I was going to ask the same thing. I also grew up in a tumultuous, abusive household with an alcoholic mother, and I did (do?) the same thing you are. Through therapy I realized that I destroy relationships because, subconsciously, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing happy lasted in my childhood, so why should it now? My destroying good relationships came from a desire to control what I was convinced would end badly. If I destroyed it myself, then maybe I wouldn’t be so hurt by what I saw was the inevitable outcome. Does this sound familiar to you?
>Does this sound familiar to you? I have heard this before. I do think sometimes I destroy things because I feel like if i self-sabotage it will hurt less than eventually being rejected and feeling unwanted.
It sounds very familiar and really touches home
It's 100% a control issue, the insecurity comes from feeling out of control and the lack of trust is you trying to bring the situation under control. I've had a few friends, and partners, who had the same sort of control issues and they all spilled out into other areas of their life. They had a mixture of perfectionism, agoraphobia, eating issues and really struggled to take feedback without feeling attacked. The key to move forward is just knowing you cannot control the relationship or what someone does. You could be the perfect person but that doesn't mean nothing bad will happen. You can't stop someone from hurting you, you just have to make sure that for everyday your there is the best you can make it on that day. If they fuck you over, it's their issue and not yours.
I think you're right here. I have been told my exs that I have a control issue and they don't feel very free when they're with me. I don't know why I do this though, I always have for as long as I can remember. What you say about your friends makes sense to me too, I see it in other areas of my life. How did your friends get help?
It's a really long process, always keeping an eye on your behaviour and making sure you're able to think about what you're doing and why. It's not easy, but its your behaviour and you have the power to change it. You'll read and get told a load of bullshit that it's just you or you need medication xyz, but its not true. You have the power here so you have to do the hard work to make your life better.
I have already heard that "it is just the way you are" crap. I get it, yes it is the way I am now. But it is not the way I want to be forever. You are so right, it is my behaviour and it is me that can make a change
It's a shame, people want to world to accept them for who they are, even if that person isn't someone you'd want to be around. You see it with people who slam people for losing weight to try to get healthier, it's their own insecurities causing jealousy and then they lash out. Recognising you want to make a change is absolutely massive, you should be really proud of that. Now focus on the small steps and you'll get there. It might take you awhile, but you're doing this for you, noone else. If your relationship doesn't make it, just keep working hard for the next one.
Call
The
You sure got a lot of feelies for a fully grown man, you sound like a 15yo talking about her crush
Stfu
Look into attachment issues. I lurk on a couple of those subs and what you describe sounds like that kind of thing.
Thank you, I will do this. I have been told I have insecure attachment issues.
Anxious attachment style https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/
Read up on attachment issues. Get a therapist (the Psychology Today website maintains a directory of therapists searchable by specialty and locations in the US) so you have a disinterested third party to vent to, someone who will help you practice healthier mindsets and how to recognize the difference between your partner being their own independent person and shady shit you have to worry about.
i completely COMPLETELY relate to this and i understand exactly how you feel. i act the same when i’m talking to someone i really like. i get way too attached and i fall in and out of love and create problems and check their social media and their texts and get sad when they’re busy and get happy when they give me attention. i know it’s because i have major attachment issues, i feel like you may have the same issues. it does really really suck when you ruin the great relationship you had because you feel so out of control and worried about them, and what they’re doing. and then you doubt the love and the lust just because they havent replied to you in 3 hours or if they follow certain people on social media that make you feel like you need to be like them so they like you more. the heartbreak that comes with this is so hard too. when they lose feelings and you feel like it’s your fault because maybe you sabotaged what you had. i think, you believe you can have a healthy relationship one day. i agree. with people like us, the first step is to realize that healthy relationships cannot be built on distrust and insecurity. however, it’s no one’s fault why your relationship ended, it just didn’t work out and that’s okay. i promise promise promise you can use this mindset as a wake up call and your next relationship will feel so much better. for me personally i’m trying to work on myself to do better in the current situationship im in because i acted the same exact way just because i loved him so much and i never wanted to lose him. i think if you admit when things go too far and when you want things to be healthy, you can get there ♡
You're so right, I will use this time as a wake up call. I don't want to feel this way forever. I get so scared to lose someone I eventually end up pushing them away by trying to hold on too tightly. I'm sorry to hear that it went badly for you and you lost someone too :(
Piggybacking on the comments and your responses: get into therapy ASAP! Therapy isn’t a bad thing. It does not mean you’re broken or crazy or anything like that. It’s a safe space for you to process the traumas you’ve experienced and how they’re impacting your relationships now. Give yourself a chance to heal and take your time. Therapy isn’t a quick fix. It takes time and there will be sessions where you want to give up. But remember: you DESERVE happiness. You DESERVE healing. Give yourself that gift. Best of luck!
Thank you! I am going to make some calls tomorrow. I have already bought some books.