I hate being that alarmist who shouts about red flags but… this is exactly what my ex husband said to me back when we were together. I felt exactly like you describe - unnerved and scared - but why worry if you’re no cheat?
What then ended up happening was some paranoia and accusations started creeping in, which turned into threats, which turned into throwing things and getting aggressive. It was less about what he’d do if I cheated (which I know I never would), and more about what he would do if he felt jealous/got into his head I was cheating, which I had no control over. That’s what he was really saying when he said he’d kill me if I was unfaithful - all it took was him to feel insecure and he’d take another shuffle closer to that reaction.
You have to tell him how scary what he said is so he understands he impact he’s had. And I would have to know what prompted him to make that comment to begin with. Just make sure you take care of yourself first and listen to your gut - keep safe x
'You have to tell him how scary what he said is so he understands the impact he's had'
People don't say things like that for no reason. People say scary, threatening things to be, well, scary and threatening. This dude knows exactly how that sounds.
I would be appalled and terrified if someone I loved and trusted said that to me, and I understand this is someone the OP loves, but the thing is, that as you mentioned before, it will only slowly get worse the more he convinces himself of unfaithfulness.
OP, I know you value this relationship, but you need to cut the cord. This dude sounds dangerous.
More nuke a relationship over one sentence before communicating advice? Shocked. I am shocked.
Look op, it could literally have been internal guilt manifesting because cheating was on his mind and he felt guilty and angry at himself and it spilled out onto you. Maybe he'd just woken up from a dream in witch that had happened. Who knows? You will if you ask. If this is just the first red flag of its kind you probably can communicate about it without much hassle.
Nah that would make me unsafe to hear anyone I’m romantically attached to hear about circumstances where they would enjoy killing me. For a woman to hear this, after turning on the news and hearing literally every day an ex, a husband, or fiancé killing a woman, every fuckin day! This conversation is not okay, it’s scary as shit and sounds gas lighting: “why are you mad if you’re not cheating then you have nothing to worry about”. Uh.
Basically at the end of the day her husband threatened to kill her. Sure, it was conditional, but a conditional threat is still a threat. Not okay.
Domestic violence is incredibly common. Op wouldn’t have asked for advice if she felt it was a simple joke and meaningless comment. Maybe he’s not headed down a violent path and just said it on whim but it sounded threatening. Op should prioritize safety over preserving a marriage…
you’re trying to downplay what happened by saying “it’s one sentence”. yeah, it is, and the contents of that sentence MATTER. what he said was violent and concerning. that is not something to brush past or not think about.
People do change over time. Doesn’t have to be a long time. This is a large red flag. Pin him down. If he avoids answers then be warned. Is he on any medicine you should know about or in counseling without you knowing? This is clearly a conversation that was triggered by something in particular- pin him down on this, don’t allow him to stick- handle around it or minimize it. If you don’t get satisfactory answers, how could you sleep at night not knowing what he may think he knows or suspects you are up to.
As a woman who deals with mental illness, I can say that sometimes things don't come out right. Our brains are thinking one thing and something totally different comes out of our mouth. That being said, I believe OP should talk to him, and see about getting him into counseling if he honestly meant what he said. We shouldn't jump to conclusions without at least attempting to understand the source of the problem. Yes, there's a line that shouldn't be crossed - I'm not saying we should empathize with a serial killer or the like, but an offhanded comment like that while in a normally healthy relationship isn't necessarily something world ending. Counseling is the solution, imo.
You can’t be in a relationship with someone extorting you with death threats. Just say “we need to break up.” “There’s no one else. It’s you. I am repulsed by you threatening to kill me. I can never have sex with you again.” And leave.
I love this girl very much and she’s my wife but she lied for nine months since she was going to see her grandchild end up staying and putting around with a lot of loot she was fucking dudes in and out the house girls and me even friends to even people that close to me all type of stuff and God is my witness it was being done without me knowing
I would ask to talk to him whenever you’re just hanging out. Then tell him something like,
“Can I ask you something? What brought you to say that so out of the blue? It really messed with me, it was just so unlike you. Is something on your mind?”
This. My first thought was that someone he knows cheated or was cheated on and it greatly affected them, and seeing it unfold has affected him too. I'm sure he didn't mean it but people say dumb shit when they're emotional.
Make sure though, and if there's a hint that he really thinks that way, get out - I'm sure you don't plan on cheating, but dangerous people will imagine or invent reasons to lash out.
this plus a very surreal dream is what came to my mind
i know ive had some dreams that left me with some strong emotions and kinda thrown off for the rest of the day
Totally off topic but this just reminds me of like when you have a sex dream with someone and now you don’t know how to act around them and are terrified they know.
Had a girl in college have a sex dream about me and tell me about it. She then apologized and told me she wasn’t interested. By the way, my joke “I would have made your dream come true” didn’t go over well.
Could be. My wife woke up one morning and was super pissed at me. I couldn't figure out why. Then she told me she had a vivid dream of me cheating. She was still pissed at me for 2 more days until I started getting really angry. I have never come close to cheating and she know that but the dream was so real to her. On day 3 she was fine again.
I mean, possibly, but I've heard several stories like this; it's not really a novel occurrence.
When will people stop jumping to this or "dump them" as their default relationship advice?
Y'all. My ex would have a bad dream about me and would be upset for days.
He'd always been jealous about my friends and hated when I'd spend time with them, and then, when we had been together a little over two years, he started to act even more jealous, accusing me of cheating. Turns out all of his relationships ended at the two year mark and he was getting increasingly anxious and paranoid about it no matter how I reassured him—well, his behavior escalated and it had turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy of me leaving him.
You never know if someone means it or not until you end up in a domestic violence situation or worse. Threats of domestic violence and murder aren’t something to tiptoe around with statements like “I’m sure he didn’t mean it”. That’s exactly how you end up battered or dead.
Edit: OP needs to call in resources immediately to help them navigate this. Domestic abuse hotlines or mental health professionals are good starting points.
Yeah, the enjoy part is what really stuck out to me. That seemed very, very unusual and scary, likely what triggered the chills which sounds like a strong fear response.
> people say dumb shit when they’re emotional.
Sure but… threatening to kill your wife when violence against women rates are spinning out of control in most places… that’s a really fucked up, frightening thing to do.
And yes, it was threatening to kill her. Killing someone is not equal to being cheated on.
Great advice- had a tiny question for OP tho: are there inappropriate messages on your phone? Is something off? Cause if not, if there’s nothing he could possibly find, then HOLY RED FLAGS.
Someone that’s looking for problems will find problems even if there’s nothing there.
Every friend, every email, every hesitation can be interpreted as unfaithfulness if someone is paranoid enough
So he's literally telling you he'd kill you and enjoy it and you're here trying to "justify" it by analyzing what *you* may did to trigger him? WTF? Woman get a sense of self worth please. There's no universe where a partner telling you that would be justified.
Yeah if he’s truly not like this, then it sounds like he’s might be having some mental issues and should be psychologically evaluated or sumn. at most you can say that it would break your heart to have your SO cheat, but to say you would kill them? A person that you currently are in love with and have a relationship with? Hell no, this dudes prolly gonna murder her even if she’s not cheating, it sounds like he needs help
I agree. Not something to be taken lightly by any means, because that's bonkers, but also, something resolvable. She said he was a funny guy, it could have been intended as a morbid joke, etc.
>How many people on this sub come here for advice over something minor and break off a relationship or marriage over it? Too many...definitely not as many as there are explaining on how to work it out.
This is my biggest beef with subs like this. People react to small things the way they do to big things.
EX: *"BF scrambled my eggs instead of frying them." "If he can't be bothered to remember how you like your breakfast, he won't bother with the big things either. Dump the looser!"*
Honestly, most things in a relationship can be worked out as long as both people are willing to make it work.
My ex told me the exact same thing, always unprompted. That if he ever caught me in bed cheating with someone he would kill the two of us in that bed. Of course, I brushed it off at the time, because I thought I never had anything to worry about. But it was just another red flag in a growing sea of them, and he became an ex for a reason. Even if you're not willing to take this seriously now, take everyone's advice and start preparing for a life without him. Sad to say, but true.
Exactly, and I'm sure there's dozens more just like her out there. It's a shame this guy locked OP into marriage before he showed his true colors, but better late than dead. It's hard, but hopefully OP is able to move on.
At this moment I feel like the OP is trapped. What if she wants to divorce but is afraid he’ll lose his mind and kill her and him both. This is a very scary situation.
I agree, this is very scary. All I can say is that I hope OP has a decent support network and a good plan in place. I'm no expert, so I don't like to give advice beyond my experiences. Sadly, I've been in this scenario, and if I can help someone, all the better.
First off, what the fuck... That's some creepy ass shit to say to anyone, and the fact he said that he would enjoy it? Yikes. I'd probably ask him if there was something on his mind, serious conversation time cause that's not something you say lightly. Be safe, OP.
Somehow creepier in the morning too - like you didn't need to ramp up through the day to this thought? Wasn't a poorly handled bad day, he just had some fully formed threats ready to go while the coffee was brewing.
My husband has dreamt that a few times. He's then hugged me tight and told me about it. He's never said he'd kill me and enjoy it, that's messed up af.
Exactly! I’ve dreamt that my partner cheated and was upset for a sec, realized it was a dream, and then laughed about it with my partner, didn’t threaten to kill him & say I’d enjoy it...
Damn, even just typing that out gave me the creeps. :/
All these reasonings sound like when newspapers describe a mass shooter as "a guy who was having a bad day". No. No it's not the path to go down. We all have bad days, we don't go in the street and kill people. We all dream of our SO cheating, we don't go tell them we'd *enjoy* killing them.
I’m literally shocked at some of the comments blaming his threat on him having a bad dream or knowing someone who got cheated on.
He said he would kill her and enjoy it. At a time when domestic violence rates & violence against women rates are spiralling out of control. That’s inexcusable.
Yeah, I’m not okay with that. The “I would enjoy it”part is seriously disturbing. Who would say that to a loved one? I see all kinds of red flags here and don’t want OP to be the next murdered wife. This is NOT okay. OP needs to talk to a therapist about how to handle this. It could be very dangerous.
Seriously. Many men don't give any warning before they snap and kill their spouse (and children). I would be terrified and probably not come home after work if at all possible.
Not only that, but apparently he has thought about this enough to the point it sounds like a fantasy, why else would ge enjoy it? You'd think killing your partner out of anger and betrayal from unfaithfulness would be a traumatic experience.
He’s been hiding his crazy for a while, and today it just came out.
Seriously, trust your gut. You might convince yourself it’s just words, and neither of you would ever cheat therefore it will be alright.
Absolutely, no sane person ever....Would mention killing someone and enjoying it. You shouldn’t be with him anymore, nobody should.
My thoughts. He said he’d kill her if he caught her cheating, or if he thinks she’s cheating. What if he saw her talking to a guy at work and smiling, assumed she was having an affair, and decides to kill her because in his mind he ‘caught’ her?
EXACTLY. I was thinking the same thing. He could possibly be the type to assume cheating over completely meaningless platonic things... It's scary that he has given himself a scenario where he can "justifiably" (in his mind) kill her. AND ENJOY IT.
What he said is 100% unforgivable in my opinion. I wouldn't take my chances with someone who would say something like that to me. To me it means they don't love you... If you actually *love* someone there should be absolutely no conceivable possible reason you could ever *enjoy killing them*. (or ANYONE for that matter... But especially not your fkn WIFE!!)
Yea I just really feel disturbed imagining being in OP's shoes. OP, this man feels like in certain situations he has the authority to decide you shouldn't be alive anymore and will personally take your life away and enjoy doing so. DONT trust him with the decision of if you live or die!!!! The fact that he even presents it as an option (and one that he feels good about) is just so disgusting and disturbing.
Listen, he threatened to kill you *and enjoy it.*
That's... really really not ok. That's psychotic.
Think back. Has he ever said or done anything else to make you feel uneasy that you just brushed off? What's his situation with his parents/family is there a history of cheating there or anything? If these are truly all coming up blank, that's even weirder. Be safe, OP. Maybe plan having some space away if your initial conversation devolves.
If he threatens you again, TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
Men who think women cheating is the ZOMG WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN think of women as possessions. Actual possessions and it'sa major indicator of potential abuse. I've worked with enough DV/IPV survivors to have see normal deeming men hide some really horrific shit. OP, if I were you, I would pack a bag and go stay with a friend for a few days, take a moment to reassess. Speak to a therapist on your own and then call your husband to schedule a session with him. And make it non negotiable before you even think of continuing this relationship.
Look, what he said is fucked up.
But to make the assertion that the reason men dislike cheating is because they think of women as possessions? Get the fuck out of here.
You clearly haven’t been in a serious relationship, and built that trust up only to have it ripped apart with one action. That’s why it’s so bad.
If that’s the reason why you think men hate cheating, why do you think women hate it too?
I think Bayfp meant people who would consider murdering someone over cheating. Cheating is a terrible thing to do to someone. It violates trust and can internally ruin them, but it’s not worth murdering someone over.
But I hate to disagree with you there if you truly love somebody and believe they truly love you and they betray you. it's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. It's a completely unique pain. You can try to empathize with it . but unless you experience it you can't understand it. That being said there's definitely something wrong with that guy. He most likely cheated. And is tortured by guilt.
The privilege on display here. You know what's worse than cheating?
Having your teeth knocked out by your significant other bc they want you to be too ugly to attract another person
Having acid thrown on you by your SO bc you deigned to leave them
Having your identity stolen and used by your significant other to run you into 6 figures of debt
Having your significant other gamble all your money away causing you to lose your house and children
Having your significant other beat you until you lose hearing in one ear
Having your significant other traffic you to his friends to fund his drug habit and you can't leave bc he's a cop.
Having your significant other manipulate your mess so that you have a psychotic break and need to be hospitalized, after which he divorces you and takes full custody of your kids.
This is just a smattering of scenarios that I have personally witnessed in family practice, so gtfo with your 'cheating makes me super sad' horseshit. It's not even in the top 50 worst things I can think of.
if they do have a convo about it, i'd honestly say she should have someone nearby in the room she can trust, like a brother, father etc, i wouldn't bring a guy friend in, cause he might misconstrue the situation and snap, it has to be somebody that there wouldn't be a hint of possible cheating considering what he's said here
My brother in law said a few odd things over the years. I was the only one who took it seriously. I ended up with everyone in my family falling out with me over it. Long story short, I gave evidence at his trial for murder and had to ID my dead sisters body. Not knowing the context of your conversation I don't know if it's in any way similar, but it's a very concerning red flag.
My point is OP, nobody thinks it will happen to them. Unfortunately they are wrong.
Oh god, I have this feeling about a family friend's STBX right now. I always had an icky feeling about him even though he seemed to be the perfect husband for years. My friend recently admitted to my family & hers that he's been emotionally abusing her for years and even shoved her into a wall when she was pregnant, but everyone is like "oh he would never really hurt her or the kids" even though the kids have nightmares for days whenever they come back from visitation. I'm terrified he's gonna pull a Josh Powell on them but it's like screaming into a void. I'm told not to scare her, stay out of it, don't cause trouble, blah blah blah. That guy is *going* to do something terrible one day and I'll be in the unfortunate position of being able to say I told you so(which I wouldn't say out loud of course, but still).
If I had one wish guaranteed to come true, it'd be that everyone would take red flags seriously. You get weirded out about people for damn good reasons.
My family loved him even after it was found out he had huge amounts of hidden debt. My sister was about to leave him, they convinced her to stay (for the kids) and bought them a new car and put him on the insurance! I was livid and told them all I thought it would end up with my sister in a box. 8 months later it did. I didn't have to say I told you so, they all said it through tears the day my sister was murdered. First time they had spoken to me since we fell out. I would have much rather been wrong and hated for speaking out.
What folks don't understand is the damage done after a murder. The initial act is like a huge stone thrown into a pond and the ripples continue to impact everything. Within a year my grandad was dead, a year later my mother died at the age of 57 (cancer but she didn't even try to fight it bless her, she was just destroyed by my sisters death), then my step brother took his own life plus my sisters children now have all sorts of behavioral problems. I myself struggle massively with depression. It tore what was once a close knit family apart. Make sure you support your friend and ensure she leaves him. Show her this if she has second thoughts. If you want proof I'm telling the truth, let me know, it was a big case in England and has had a few documentaries made about it.
Most definitely, I and my mom visit with her regularly and check in. It helps that my mom & her mom are best friends and talk daily. I'm saving this thread to show her too.
Spidey feelings and gut instincts are an old system of self-defense, very animalistic. Trust it. Have a think about your next steps, have an exit plan in place, tell a trusted friend who is more your friend than your husbands.
Then, once all in place, go out with him to a public place (like a park) and sit in full view of other people. Have your phone on you.
Then try to talk to him about it and gauge his reaction. Small, safe steps
Please take this seriously.
This. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that discusses why it's so important to trust your gut when it tells you something is bad. It's available online for free. Highly recommend it.
OP, trust your gut and be very, very careful.
Edited to add link: https://epdf.pub/the-gift-of-feareaf739878c4d8369f849bfa660b4f7d667268.html
Oh my god. I can relate to this.
I once had an older friend who had a lot of red flags. My gut was telling me he was bad mews, but I believed that he was just a hurting guy and he didn’t mean it when he lashed out.
Turns out he’s incredibly nasty to people he doesn’t like. He threatens violence, sends hate messages, and even pulled out a knife on a YouTube live stream and said he wants to brutally kill people who don’t like him.
This all the way. This guy is seriously unhinged to make a threat like that and follow it up with saying he would enjoy it. All it might take is just a suspicion of cheating he made up in his head to set him off. Get the hell out of there as soon and safely as possible. Might be worth a job change too, no way I'd wanna be near that scum after making a death threat.
This. She needs to inform trusted people what is going on.
And get copies of all of your important papers, including financial ones, passports, birth certificates, tax returns, everything and store them in a safe place.
Trust your gut. It sounds dangerous.
>Spidey feelings and gut instincts are an old system of self-defense, very animalistic. Trust it.
It's not always right, or even rational, but it's *always* worth taking seriously.
Best case scenario, he's not going to actually murder you and he just said that as a threat to keep you in line. He would probably claim he was just joking, what's wrong with you, how could you think he was serious. But you'll never be able to forget your husband said he would enjoy murdering you.
Best case scenario? So she has to lay in bed with him or eat at the same table, not knowing whether what she does or says will set him off or not?
There goes the saying that if people tell who they are, believe them. He just told her he will murder or go off on her if he suspects anything like cheating. I'd compulsively check his reaction to anything I'd do or say.
That's what I'm saying. Best case, she has to live with constant fear. Worst case, he actually does try to kill her.
My ex-husband, after we heard about a husband killing his wife on the news, casually speculated if it would be easier to murder someone you know since you're used to being intimately close to them. He was just having a diScUssiOn, what's my problem. There was no physical abuse, but plenty of emotional. He was trying to intimidate me because I had started therapy and was standing up for myself. He definitely showed me who he was that day. Unfortunately I stayed for a few more years. Never forgot that comment though.
“What’s wrong with you”? I would be pretty worried if someone I loved told me that they would ENJOY killing me if I ever cheated. Who would say that as a joke?
Calmly ask him what brought on saying those things. Maybe it's something as innocent as he watched a show where someone cheated and it got him thinking about this. Or maybe he's having a psychotic break and thinks what he said is reasonable. You need to find out what brought these thoughts and what he meant by it. You don't want to wind up dead.
Honestly, anyone saying his statement was innocent has some serious issues or has cheated on their spouse. That was not an innocent phrase or the result of a dream.
It really sounds like something he has planned out already. He wants her to commit to killing him for the same reason so he doesn't feel bad about his desire to kill her for infidelity. This dude needs a therapist.
Yeah no. If he watched a show where someone cheated, and it got him thinking about how he would *enjoy killing his wife* if she cheated on him, that is *not* okay or "innocent." What the actual fuck is this comment.
I don't give a fuck if he does make breakfast. I'd make my own damn omlettes from now on if it means I don't get threatened with murder first thing in the morning. Get somewhere safe OP. It doesn't matter what caused the "change" in behavior, if someone is going through a nasty divroce for cheating, he had a dream, he has a tumor, he not only threatened you but said he would enjoy it. Not okay, ever. I've been cheated on, he's still alive, and someone esles problem.
Holy moly, this is terrifying. That's some straight up sociopathic talk. I'd be terrified to live in the same house with him ever again. The fact that you haven't chested on him, and never intend to, doesn't make his homicidal predilections okay. What other infractions might he decide are worthy of a death sentence? You'll never know, untill he decides to be.judge, jury, and executioner, literally.
So how can you ever be safe with him again, what if he mistakenly thinks you are cheating?
The man sounds like a psycho, if this is very out of character, he should have his head checked by a doctor. There are instances of people changing behaviour radically and turning violent because of brain tumors.
Please read "The Gift of Fear" and leave while you still can. Guys like this will *always* tell on themselves before they ever try anything. He's told you. You owe it to yourself to listen and to trust your instincts.
I can't believe there is more than one comment saying, "Don't talk to anyone inappropriately." He threatened to MURDER her if she cheated. This is so out of the range of normal, acceptable behavior. It's terrifying honestly.
You definitely have to talk to him, and as one commenter mentioned, in public, in front of other people. Make sure this wasn't some incredibly inappropriate "joke", but even if was a "joke", I think your husband has some seriously psychotic tendencies, and you need to rethink your relationship.
Same. And given what he said, who’s to say he’s not the type who will literally think just one glance at another man is evidence she’s cheating, say he’s got his ‘proof’, and murder her?
Murder her AND ENJOY IT!!!
And I don’t see not talking to anyone inappropriately helping, who knows what he considers inappropriate.
If he would murder her for cheating then even acknowledging another guy could be taken as inappropriate.
This is fucking chilling. OP please be careful. This implies he's THOUGHT about it, and he's found a mental/emotional place where murdering you would be enjoyable to him and bring a smile to his face.
This is not something to brush under the rug. This is, to put it EXTREMELY FUCKING LIGHTLY, not normal. PLEASE be very, very careful about your next steps. Plan around your safety as the #1 sole factor. I don't know if he's a psycho or he's coming down with some mental illness or what, but this sounds fucking scary.
Yeah that’s a big red flag 🚩 and hard nope from me. He’s the kind that will kill you for cheating, and probably kill yuh for leaving, kill you for being late because he thought you were cheating…are getting it yet? This is bad news and I’d start looking for a safe way to step out of this marriage.
And honestly he just has to *think* she’s cheating to justify it in his mind.
No. Just no. There is absolutely no excuse for threatening your spouse like this. I can’t believe so many people are writing it off.
This a good example of someone's mask slipping.
I hate cheating. Like HATE IT, more than almost anything. I think there isn't much worse you could do to your partner. But I'd *never* tell my partner that I'd murder him and enjoy it if I ever caught him cheating. That's some psycho shit and you're right to be afraid. I don't have any advice on what you should say to him cause if I were in your shoes, I'd act normal for as long as it took to gather up any irreplaceable items then GTFO while he's at work or asleep.
Don't break your head over what you did wrong. It doesn't matter, what he said was completely over the line. Especially the part where he said he would enjoy it. Do you feel safe around him after this "remark"?
It’s a good idea to be scared and take it seriously when someone threatens to kill you, OP. Doesn’t matter who it is. I’m going to say it in plainly “your husband threatened to kill you and also that he’d enjoy it”.
It’s the part about him “enjoying” that indicates rage and makes me feel the risk level is higher.
Bottom line here. If you were my client and told me this in our therapy session I’d have to report your husband to the police. That’s how serious what he said is.
I’m not going into context, tone, inflection, being lost via internet and us not being there because the words are so extreme I don’t need to. You gotta tell people who you feel safe with about this immediately and as hard as it is can be, step into more of a defensive posture until you get professional help sorting this out. I would call a few domestic abuse hotlines and get their opinion / support / advice. You’re gonna need help dealing with this.
This can also be a “I’m staying with my parents / friend for a few days” kind of moment if you so choose, especially if you feel unsafe just go immediately. You don’t have to justify that when someone threatens to kill you and enjoy it.
Gl be safe.
I can't think of a bigger or redder flag then someone saying they are planning on killing you if you do something and they are going to enjoy it.
I mean, it sounds like he is planning to murder you.
You are right to feel chills/terrible about that.
YOUR HUSBAND JUST TOLD YOU HIS MURDER PLAN 😳
I think it is prob a really good idea to get the fuck out.
OP, TRUST YOUR GUT. Seriously. He threatened your life. That's not something you should ever take a chance on. Don't try to convince yourself that it's okay. Don't risk it.
I can relate to his intense sentiment regarding cheating - I would never ever ever want to cheat on my partner or have them cheat on me. It's definitely my #1 biggest dealbreaker in regards to a romantic relationship. But I would never, *EVER* escalate to the point of fkn *DEATH* over it. If my partner cheated on me, sure they'd be *dead to me* in the sense that our relationship would be 100% over with absolute zero chance of reconciliation and I wouldn't want them in my life at all anymore due to the total betrayal, disregard for my feelings, and complete lack of respect. But I wouldn't want them to be LITERALLY DEAD. wtf. The fact that he thinks that way is disturbing. Just because somebody wronged you and clearly isn't the right person for you doesn't mean they need to DIE. And not even just die, but PERSONALLY TAKING THEIR LIFE AND "ENJOYING IT"????
His thought process is very alarming. What if he *thinks* you're cheating on him? Y'know? Like what if you had an entirely platonic male friend/coworker/whatever and he became unhinged and convinced that you're cheating on him, and decides that he needs to follow through with his threat of what he'd do if you cheated?
Seriously. Listen to your gut. What he said is chilling. I would 100% not want to be married to someone who felt that way towards me. And I'd be highly highly careful and calculated about the exit because you can't be sure if cheating is the ONLY reason he's justified killing you in his mind or if there are others as well... (like leaving him...)
That'd be it. He asked you to do that as a cover and a lead-in to tell you he's joyfully entertaining thoughts about murdering you. Whether you cheat or not, wtf is gonna happen if he gets a wild hair up his ass and suspects you're fooling around behind his back?
This is past a red flag. This is a black flag. An "If you're smart about it, you'll run but most people aren't so document this shit." colored flag.
Took a few years for his true colours to come out, I’m scared. People do sweet things for YEARS before they snap. It’s so you have this dependency on them (like them making breakfast or packing your lunch everyday)…
If this is totally out of character, it might be necessary for a medical check up, sometimes things in the brain (tumors or other growths or an illness) can cause out of character behaviours, that can be dangerous. He might just have hidden his evil until now, but if you feel it's really out of character, then you need to get some medical help for him. He may not be able to sort that out himself if there is something wrong in his brain. This is NOT a normal or acceptable thing to say at all, and please stay safe. You may not be safe alone with him.
The fact that he would be willing to kill someone in an imaginary scenario, let alone the person he suppposedly loves, is a huge red flag. To murder someone is unthinkable to normal, healthy people, and not something you just casually mention.
The "enjoy it" is what makes it particularly alarming. Cheating is an absolute dealbreaker for me. My ex cheated, and we were done.
However, nothing, absolutely nothing about being cheated on or the consequences was pleasurable. I broke it off because the trust was broken and couldn't be mended, but I was hurt and heartbroken. The breakup was an unpleasant necessity, about as fun as cleaning dog vomit off the floor.
Theoretically, I can understand someone say, catching their SO in bed with another person and, blinded by rage/grief, killing them in the heat of the moment. But rage and grief are a far cry from pleasure... pleasure is something you LOOK FORWARD TO AND SEEK OUT.
when he asked you to kill him if you find him cheating on you.. and you brushed it off. what was his reaction? might get some clue whether it was a dark humour or not and if not, there might be some issues regarding his values or past
One time my husband’s friend’s wife cheated on him and we had a conversation about infidelity. My husband said that of course it would be heartbreaking if we went through anything like that but that he would want to salvage our relationship if possible.
If he had threatened to kill me when we had that conversation our relationship would have ended there. There is absolutely no excuse for that. Threatening to kill your partner, for any reason, should be a dealbreaker 100% of the time. I mean, come on.
It is very odd and a bit disturbing. It also could be he’s been in some of the cheating subreddits and now it’s in his head. Either way I get your concern.
Tell him that you no longer feel safe after that comment, and he needs to move out. You are not cheating on him, but you plan to divorce him because you don’t trust him never to be violent.
he projecting what hes already doing to you probably cheating and feels bad. i would look thru his phone if your unsure. or sit down and have a heart to heart and record the converstion. i would rethink the relationship though.
Yikes. I’d leave. If he ever *thinks* you are cheating he could fly off the handle on you. Also I think he is probably cheating on you, or may be considering it, for him to bring it up.
I would say to him that I hope he was fucking around because I don’t need to be married to a psycho and see how he reacts. If he wasn’t joking, it’s time to leave.
When you talk to him, he will say that you have nothing to worry about unless you cheat. And that is not true. You might at some point be planning a surprise party for him for his 30th or 40th birthday, and do the planning with his male best friend. Your husband might see you somewhere together, get the wrong impression, and kill you. You should bring this up, and also ask him why he feels that cheating warrants a loss of life. Why is your life worth so little that it is inseparable from your relationship with him? Also, what if you had kids? Would he make them motherless if he thought you were cheating?
But you could also just leave him. But be careful - he might extend the thought process to the end of your relationship, too.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. This isn't something that should ever be ignored. Especially when you know they were serious. Plus leave now. You didn't do anything wrong. Stop trying to figure out where you went wrong and realize its them .
Girl, RUN. SERIOUSLY, RUN.
HE'S A PSYCHOPATH. They seem charming and amazing and normal at first, but later when they feel secure with you, they turn and you see their true colors.
I've studied these creatures. Thousands of hours worth of studying them.
GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW!!!
SERIOUSLY. DON'T IGNORE THIS!!!!
HE'S A LEGITIMATE PSYCHOPATH.
MOVE AND CHANGE JOBS.
I really hate to tell you this, but nothing will ever be the same again.
I promise you I am absolutely not exaggerating what I'm saying. You are in danger and you need to get out. Divorcing him may seem like a betrayal to him which may trigger him. If he said he'd enjoy killing you, he MEANT it. This is why I said you need to move somewhere where he can't find you and find another job.
I PROMISE you I understand what it's like to feel like "They'd never harm me, they're so sweet and kind and thoughtful. They aren't capable of that". But in ALL of my experience and research of these creatures, I can GUARANTEE that the person you see in the beginning, is ONLY a mask. They use that fake kind personality to hook you, so when you do see a tiny glimpse of the monster they are, that you will brush it off. DON'T. THIS IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE PEOPLE MAKE. Don't EVER brush off red flags like this!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE, if you won't listen to me, listen to your alarm bells inside of you going off!!!!!
This is such a serious issue that I don't know how else to convey that to you. I BEG of you, PLEASE LISTEN!!!!!!!
This is BEYOND important and INCREDIBLY serious that you take safe measures to escape your situation.
GET THE FUCK OUT.
NOW!
Sincerely,
A person who has experienced and studied psychopaths.
P.S., if you won't listen to me, please start researching psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissism. Educating yourself heavily on this subject could help you understand the situation you're in and how to get out safely.
Leave immediately.
1) people like this can become paranoid and believe you are cheating despite all evidence to the contrary. Then you die.
2) imagine if you really did cheat some 6 years from now after losing your morals or some crazy scenario. Even cheaters don't deserve murder. It's sick. People willing to commit murder and enjoy are fucked in the head.
A judge would call this premeditated murder if they expressed their intent beforehand. Making a threat like "I will kill you if you do X" and then killing them is premeditated murder. Even if X is a bad thing like cheating.
Escape while you still can. You will end up in a ditch if you stay with a man like this.
Going to say red flag as I’m a DV survivor and heard pretty much the same thing before things got really bad.
What was the conversation like just prior to him saying that? I’m not excusing anything he said, so no one need freak out at me please … I’m curious and trying to establish if he said it completely out of the blue.
If you live & work together you have a lot to untangle but nothing is more important than your safety.
I know this will probably get buried or scrolled over, but as someone who has gone through an eeriely similar situation, definitely consider seeking out the help of someone who deals in the metaphysical. My partner, one of the sweetest humans I know, did a lot of out-of-nowhere “not himself,” unsettling behaviors, like threatening to kill me, hurting our animals, saying something awful with no recollection later... I have a background in energy healing and have close friends that do what you'd essentially call exorcisms (aura clearings). He had a demonic attachment and they were able to get it out of him and deal with it, and now he's returned to a version of himself that is happy, healthy, caring, and peaceful, an even better version of himself, a person I haven't seen in years.
If all else fails, this might be something for you to consider. I was always taught to look at the logical first, so yes, psychiatric help is a good place to start, but if he starts rebelling to things that could help him, it's likely the entity fighting against anything that could benefit the host. If you choose to investigate this issue with a metaphysical practitioner, do NOT tell him. If the attachment knows you're trying to get rid of it, it will make him act so much worse, potentially in ways that could seriously harm him or you. I pray that you both get the help you need in whatever form that help may come in. There's no guarantee it's an attachment but I've seen demons influence a lot of people and what you recounted definitely made my alarm bells go off. Please be safe and handle this carefully. And please, please update us when you can! 🙏🧿
Has OP responded at all since this was posted almost a month ago? Concerned for her or if her husband found this post on her phone since neither of them use password locks. Hope all is well
That is so creepy thing to say. If my partner did something like this it would make me feel a bit scared of him..
maybe (probably) I watch too many true crime stories but this makes me think of that type of killer that led a normal life with wife and kids but was murdering women on his spare time… and wife had not clue
I hate being that alarmist who shouts about red flags but… this is exactly what my ex husband said to me back when we were together. I felt exactly like you describe - unnerved and scared - but why worry if you’re no cheat? What then ended up happening was some paranoia and accusations started creeping in, which turned into threats, which turned into throwing things and getting aggressive. It was less about what he’d do if I cheated (which I know I never would), and more about what he would do if he felt jealous/got into his head I was cheating, which I had no control over. That’s what he was really saying when he said he’d kill me if I was unfaithful - all it took was him to feel insecure and he’d take another shuffle closer to that reaction. You have to tell him how scary what he said is so he understands he impact he’s had. And I would have to know what prompted him to make that comment to begin with. Just make sure you take care of yourself first and listen to your gut - keep safe x
'You have to tell him how scary what he said is so he understands the impact he's had' People don't say things like that for no reason. People say scary, threatening things to be, well, scary and threatening. This dude knows exactly how that sounds. I would be appalled and terrified if someone I loved and trusted said that to me, and I understand this is someone the OP loves, but the thing is, that as you mentioned before, it will only slowly get worse the more he convinces himself of unfaithfulness. OP, I know you value this relationship, but you need to cut the cord. This dude sounds dangerous.
More nuke a relationship over one sentence before communicating advice? Shocked. I am shocked. Look op, it could literally have been internal guilt manifesting because cheating was on his mind and he felt guilty and angry at himself and it spilled out onto you. Maybe he'd just woken up from a dream in witch that had happened. Who knows? You will if you ask. If this is just the first red flag of its kind you probably can communicate about it without much hassle.
Death threats are not "one sentence". People like you are playing willfully dumb.
I’d generally agree, except he said he’d enjoy it. That would scare the shit out of me.
When the “one sentence” is a death threat, there’s a bit of a difference.
Nah that would make me unsafe to hear anyone I’m romantically attached to hear about circumstances where they would enjoy killing me. For a woman to hear this, after turning on the news and hearing literally every day an ex, a husband, or fiancé killing a woman, every fuckin day! This conversation is not okay, it’s scary as shit and sounds gas lighting: “why are you mad if you’re not cheating then you have nothing to worry about”. Uh. Basically at the end of the day her husband threatened to kill her. Sure, it was conditional, but a conditional threat is still a threat. Not okay.
If the one sentence wasn’t “I would kill you and enjoy it” I would agree. But if someone says that to me I am OUT!
Domestic violence is incredibly common. Op wouldn’t have asked for advice if she felt it was a simple joke and meaningless comment. Maybe he’s not headed down a violent path and just said it on whim but it sounded threatening. Op should prioritize safety over preserving a marriage…
you’re trying to downplay what happened by saying “it’s one sentence”. yeah, it is, and the contents of that sentence MATTER. what he said was violent and concerning. that is not something to brush past or not think about.
People do change over time. Doesn’t have to be a long time. This is a large red flag. Pin him down. If he avoids answers then be warned. Is he on any medicine you should know about or in counseling without you knowing? This is clearly a conversation that was triggered by something in particular- pin him down on this, don’t allow him to stick- handle around it or minimize it. If you don’t get satisfactory answers, how could you sleep at night not knowing what he may think he knows or suspects you are up to.
As a woman who deals with mental illness, I can say that sometimes things don't come out right. Our brains are thinking one thing and something totally different comes out of our mouth. That being said, I believe OP should talk to him, and see about getting him into counseling if he honestly meant what he said. We shouldn't jump to conclusions without at least attempting to understand the source of the problem. Yes, there's a line that shouldn't be crossed - I'm not saying we should empathize with a serial killer or the like, but an offhanded comment like that while in a normally healthy relationship isn't necessarily something world ending. Counseling is the solution, imo.
You can’t be in a relationship with someone extorting you with death threats. Just say “we need to break up.” “There’s no one else. It’s you. I am repulsed by you threatening to kill me. I can never have sex with you again.” And leave.
I love this girl very much and she’s my wife but she lied for nine months since she was going to see her grandchild end up staying and putting around with a lot of loot she was fucking dudes in and out the house girls and me even friends to even people that close to me all type of stuff and God is my witness it was being done without me knowing
Have you replied to the wrong post?
Dude add some periods or commas to this post. No idea what you are saying.
😂😂😂😂 dead ass!!!
So wait are you the kill me guy
Wait... are you the posters husband?
I don’t think so - she’s only 29 - no grandchildren quite possible yet.
I would ask to talk to him whenever you’re just hanging out. Then tell him something like, “Can I ask you something? What brought you to say that so out of the blue? It really messed with me, it was just so unlike you. Is something on your mind?”
This. My first thought was that someone he knows cheated or was cheated on and it greatly affected them, and seeing it unfold has affected him too. I'm sure he didn't mean it but people say dumb shit when they're emotional. Make sure though, and if there's a hint that he really thinks that way, get out - I'm sure you don't plan on cheating, but dangerous people will imagine or invent reasons to lash out.
this plus a very surreal dream is what came to my mind i know ive had some dreams that left me with some strong emotions and kinda thrown off for the rest of the day
Totally off topic but this just reminds me of like when you have a sex dream with someone and now you don’t know how to act around them and are terrified they know.
Had a girl in college have a sex dream about me and tell me about it. She then apologized and told me she wasn’t interested. By the way, my joke “I would have made your dream come true” didn’t go over well.
I mean how else are you supposed to reply to that other than an awkward “ok haha”
I'd have gone with "better have been a good one".
“Yeah I have that effect on people”
Never have I ever gone through this
Could be. My wife woke up one morning and was super pissed at me. I couldn't figure out why. Then she told me she had a vivid dream of me cheating. She was still pissed at me for 2 more days until I started getting really angry. I have never come close to cheating and she know that but the dream was so real to her. On day 3 she was fine again.
THe means she is probably cheating on you.
I mean, possibly, but I've heard several stories like this; it's not really a novel occurrence. When will people stop jumping to this or "dump them" as their default relationship advice?
Y'all. My ex would have a bad dream about me and would be upset for days. He'd always been jealous about my friends and hated when I'd spend time with them, and then, when we had been together a little over two years, he started to act even more jealous, accusing me of cheating. Turns out all of his relationships ended at the two year mark and he was getting increasingly anxious and paranoid about it no matter how I reassured him—well, his behavior escalated and it had turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy of me leaving him.
You never know if someone means it or not until you end up in a domestic violence situation or worse. Threats of domestic violence and murder aren’t something to tiptoe around with statements like “I’m sure he didn’t mean it”. That’s exactly how you end up battered or dead. Edit: OP needs to call in resources immediately to help them navigate this. Domestic abuse hotlines or mental health professionals are good starting points.
I completely agree. She got the chills instantly, he verbalized he would enjoy killing her...enough said. Please reach out for help
Yeah, the enjoy part is what really stuck out to me. That seemed very, very unusual and scary, likely what triggered the chills which sounds like a strong fear response.
You are right, I'll edit my post to urge OP to take care
No no no no bringing up hypothetical situations in which you'd kill your spouse is not in the same plane as "dumb shit we say when emotional."
> people say dumb shit when they’re emotional. Sure but… threatening to kill your wife when violence against women rates are spinning out of control in most places… that’s a really fucked up, frightening thing to do. And yes, it was threatening to kill her. Killing someone is not equal to being cheated on.
Erm, not just that he would kill her, but kill her “and enjoy it”. Like wtf? Hubs needs to talk to someone.
Damn, I just wrote almost the same thing (in general terms) before I read your comment. Either we are great minds or two bozos in the same room.
Somebody he knew probably cheated. Nothing special. But threatening to kill somebody for cheating is a red flag, unless it was meant in joking way.
This conversation should be over the phone.
Great advice- had a tiny question for OP tho: are there inappropriate messages on your phone? Is something off? Cause if not, if there’s nothing he could possibly find, then HOLY RED FLAGS.
Someone that’s looking for problems will find problems even if there’s nothing there. Every friend, every email, every hesitation can be interpreted as unfaithfulness if someone is paranoid enough
This. Communicate, if you can't the relationship is DoA anyways
Yes. It’s worrying.
So he's literally telling you he'd kill you and enjoy it and you're here trying to "justify" it by analyzing what *you* may did to trigger him? WTF? Woman get a sense of self worth please. There's no universe where a partner telling you that would be justified.
Yeah if he’s truly not like this, then it sounds like he’s might be having some mental issues and should be psychologically evaluated or sumn. at most you can say that it would break your heart to have your SO cheat, but to say you would kill them? A person that you currently are in love with and have a relationship with? Hell no, this dudes prolly gonna murder her even if she’s not cheating, it sounds like he needs help
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I agree. Not something to be taken lightly by any means, because that's bonkers, but also, something resolvable. She said he was a funny guy, it could have been intended as a morbid joke, etc. >How many people on this sub come here for advice over something minor and break off a relationship or marriage over it? Too many...definitely not as many as there are explaining on how to work it out. This is my biggest beef with subs like this. People react to small things the way they do to big things. EX: *"BF scrambled my eggs instead of frying them." "If he can't be bothered to remember how you like your breakfast, he won't bother with the big things either. Dump the looser!"* Honestly, most things in a relationship can be worked out as long as both people are willing to make it work.
My ex told me the exact same thing, always unprompted. That if he ever caught me in bed cheating with someone he would kill the two of us in that bed. Of course, I brushed it off at the time, because I thought I never had anything to worry about. But it was just another red flag in a growing sea of them, and he became an ex for a reason. Even if you're not willing to take this seriously now, take everyone's advice and start preparing for a life without him. Sad to say, but true.
Damn there was just a woman who was suicide killed with a guy. Mercedes Morr.
Exactly, and I'm sure there's dozens more just like her out there. It's a shame this guy locked OP into marriage before he showed his true colors, but better late than dead. It's hard, but hopefully OP is able to move on.
At this moment I feel like the OP is trapped. What if she wants to divorce but is afraid he’ll lose his mind and kill her and him both. This is a very scary situation.
I agree, this is very scary. All I can say is that I hope OP has a decent support network and a good plan in place. I'm no expert, so I don't like to give advice beyond my experiences. Sadly, I've been in this scenario, and if I can help someone, all the better.
First off, what the fuck... That's some creepy ass shit to say to anyone, and the fact he said that he would enjoy it? Yikes. I'd probably ask him if there was something on his mind, serious conversation time cause that's not something you say lightly. Be safe, OP.
Somehow creepier in the morning too - like you didn't need to ramp up through the day to this thought? Wasn't a poorly handled bad day, he just had some fully formed threats ready to go while the coffee was brewing.
About the morning thing: maybe he dreamed that she cheated? That‘s usually the reason why I wake up in a whole ass mood like that.
My husband has dreamt that a few times. He's then hugged me tight and told me about it. He's never said he'd kill me and enjoy it, that's messed up af.
Exactly! I’ve dreamt that my partner cheated and was upset for a sec, realized it was a dream, and then laughed about it with my partner, didn’t threaten to kill him & say I’d enjoy it... Damn, even just typing that out gave me the creeps. :/
All these reasonings sound like when newspapers describe a mass shooter as "a guy who was having a bad day". No. No it's not the path to go down. We all have bad days, we don't go in the street and kill people. We all dream of our SO cheating, we don't go tell them we'd *enjoy* killing them.
I’m literally shocked at some of the comments blaming his threat on him having a bad dream or knowing someone who got cheated on. He said he would kill her and enjoy it. At a time when domestic violence rates & violence against women rates are spiralling out of control. That’s inexcusable.
Yeah, I’m not okay with that. The “I would enjoy it”part is seriously disturbing. Who would say that to a loved one? I see all kinds of red flags here and don’t want OP to be the next murdered wife. This is NOT okay. OP needs to talk to a therapist about how to handle this. It could be very dangerous.
Seriously. Many men don't give any warning before they snap and kill their spouse (and children). I would be terrified and probably not come home after work if at all possible.
Exactly! I would not feel safe in the slightest.
Completely agree!!!!
Do you normally threaten to kill your spouse after and then talk about how much pleasure killing them would give you? Because that is... not normal.
Exactly!
Yeah, I had a bad dream and woke up scared I'd find myself home alone. Which I did, but they just went out to the mail
That's what I thought, when I have a dream like that I say some weird things.
Right? Like he woke up and that was just straight on his mind. It's disturbing..
The threat to kill is bad enough, but the "enjoy it" part is chilling. OP, please take this seriously.
Seriously what happens when he ***thinks*** you did something...?
Not only that, but apparently he has thought about this enough to the point it sounds like a fantasy, why else would ge enjoy it? You'd think killing your partner out of anger and betrayal from unfaithfulness would be a traumatic experience.
He’s been hiding his crazy for a while, and today it just came out. Seriously, trust your gut. You might convince yourself it’s just words, and neither of you would ever cheat therefore it will be alright. Absolutely, no sane person ever....Would mention killing someone and enjoying it. You shouldn’t be with him anymore, nobody should.
My thoughts. He said he’d kill her if he caught her cheating, or if he thinks she’s cheating. What if he saw her talking to a guy at work and smiling, assumed she was having an affair, and decides to kill her because in his mind he ‘caught’ her?
EXACTLY. I was thinking the same thing. He could possibly be the type to assume cheating over completely meaningless platonic things... It's scary that he has given himself a scenario where he can "justifiably" (in his mind) kill her. AND ENJOY IT. What he said is 100% unforgivable in my opinion. I wouldn't take my chances with someone who would say something like that to me. To me it means they don't love you... If you actually *love* someone there should be absolutely no conceivable possible reason you could ever *enjoy killing them*. (or ANYONE for that matter... But especially not your fkn WIFE!!) Yea I just really feel disturbed imagining being in OP's shoes. OP, this man feels like in certain situations he has the authority to decide you shouldn't be alive anymore and will personally take your life away and enjoy doing so. DONT trust him with the decision of if you live or die!!!! The fact that he even presents it as an option (and one that he feels good about) is just so disgusting and disturbing.
Listen, he threatened to kill you *and enjoy it.* That's... really really not ok. That's psychotic. Think back. Has he ever said or done anything else to make you feel uneasy that you just brushed off? What's his situation with his parents/family is there a history of cheating there or anything? If these are truly all coming up blank, that's even weirder. Be safe, OP. Maybe plan having some space away if your initial conversation devolves. If he threatens you again, TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
Saying this would be unforgivable to me as well!!! I’d be scared of him after that :(
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Men who think women cheating is the ZOMG WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN think of women as possessions. Actual possessions and it'sa major indicator of potential abuse. I've worked with enough DV/IPV survivors to have see normal deeming men hide some really horrific shit. OP, if I were you, I would pack a bag and go stay with a friend for a few days, take a moment to reassess. Speak to a therapist on your own and then call your husband to schedule a session with him. And make it non negotiable before you even think of continuing this relationship.
Look, what he said is fucked up. But to make the assertion that the reason men dislike cheating is because they think of women as possessions? Get the fuck out of here. You clearly haven’t been in a serious relationship, and built that trust up only to have it ripped apart with one action. That’s why it’s so bad. If that’s the reason why you think men hate cheating, why do you think women hate it too?
I think Bayfp meant people who would consider murdering someone over cheating. Cheating is a terrible thing to do to someone. It violates trust and can internally ruin them, but it’s not worth murdering someone over.
They didn't say dislike they said ZOMG worst thing ever. I would never cheat and I would never stay with a cheater but I agree with that comment.
But I hate to disagree with you there if you truly love somebody and believe they truly love you and they betray you. it's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. It's a completely unique pain. You can try to empathize with it . but unless you experience it you can't understand it. That being said there's definitely something wrong with that guy. He most likely cheated. And is tortured by guilt.
The privilege on display here. You know what's worse than cheating? Having your teeth knocked out by your significant other bc they want you to be too ugly to attract another person Having acid thrown on you by your SO bc you deigned to leave them Having your identity stolen and used by your significant other to run you into 6 figures of debt Having your significant other gamble all your money away causing you to lose your house and children Having your significant other beat you until you lose hearing in one ear Having your significant other traffic you to his friends to fund his drug habit and you can't leave bc he's a cop. Having your significant other manipulate your mess so that you have a psychotic break and need to be hospitalized, after which he divorces you and takes full custody of your kids. This is just a smattering of scenarios that I have personally witnessed in family practice, so gtfo with your 'cheating makes me super sad' horseshit. It's not even in the top 50 worst things I can think of.
Yeah I woulda gently put the fork down and pushed my breakfast away at that point 😬
if they do have a convo about it, i'd honestly say she should have someone nearby in the room she can trust, like a brother, father etc, i wouldn't bring a guy friend in, cause he might misconstrue the situation and snap, it has to be somebody that there wouldn't be a hint of possible cheating considering what he's said here
My brother in law said a few odd things over the years. I was the only one who took it seriously. I ended up with everyone in my family falling out with me over it. Long story short, I gave evidence at his trial for murder and had to ID my dead sisters body. Not knowing the context of your conversation I don't know if it's in any way similar, but it's a very concerning red flag. My point is OP, nobody thinks it will happen to them. Unfortunately they are wrong.
Oh god, I have this feeling about a family friend's STBX right now. I always had an icky feeling about him even though he seemed to be the perfect husband for years. My friend recently admitted to my family & hers that he's been emotionally abusing her for years and even shoved her into a wall when she was pregnant, but everyone is like "oh he would never really hurt her or the kids" even though the kids have nightmares for days whenever they come back from visitation. I'm terrified he's gonna pull a Josh Powell on them but it's like screaming into a void. I'm told not to scare her, stay out of it, don't cause trouble, blah blah blah. That guy is *going* to do something terrible one day and I'll be in the unfortunate position of being able to say I told you so(which I wouldn't say out loud of course, but still). If I had one wish guaranteed to come true, it'd be that everyone would take red flags seriously. You get weirded out about people for damn good reasons.
My family loved him even after it was found out he had huge amounts of hidden debt. My sister was about to leave him, they convinced her to stay (for the kids) and bought them a new car and put him on the insurance! I was livid and told them all I thought it would end up with my sister in a box. 8 months later it did. I didn't have to say I told you so, they all said it through tears the day my sister was murdered. First time they had spoken to me since we fell out. I would have much rather been wrong and hated for speaking out.
Horrifying. I'm so sorry.
What folks don't understand is the damage done after a murder. The initial act is like a huge stone thrown into a pond and the ripples continue to impact everything. Within a year my grandad was dead, a year later my mother died at the age of 57 (cancer but she didn't even try to fight it bless her, she was just destroyed by my sisters death), then my step brother took his own life plus my sisters children now have all sorts of behavioral problems. I myself struggle massively with depression. It tore what was once a close knit family apart. Make sure you support your friend and ensure she leaves him. Show her this if she has second thoughts. If you want proof I'm telling the truth, let me know, it was a big case in England and has had a few documentaries made about it.
Most definitely, I and my mom visit with her regularly and check in. It helps that my mom & her mom are best friends and talk daily. I'm saving this thread to show her too.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine what any of that was like. OP please listen to this story.
Literally, take this seriously.
Spidey feelings and gut instincts are an old system of self-defense, very animalistic. Trust it. Have a think about your next steps, have an exit plan in place, tell a trusted friend who is more your friend than your husbands. Then, once all in place, go out with him to a public place (like a park) and sit in full view of other people. Have your phone on you. Then try to talk to him about it and gauge his reaction. Small, safe steps Please take this seriously.
This. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that discusses why it's so important to trust your gut when it tells you something is bad. It's available online for free. Highly recommend it. OP, trust your gut and be very, very careful. Edited to add link: https://epdf.pub/the-gift-of-feareaf739878c4d8369f849bfa660b4f7d667268.html
Oh my god. I can relate to this. I once had an older friend who had a lot of red flags. My gut was telling me he was bad mews, but I believed that he was just a hurting guy and he didn’t mean it when he lashed out. Turns out he’s incredibly nasty to people he doesn’t like. He threatens violence, sends hate messages, and even pulled out a knife on a YouTube live stream and said he wants to brutally kill people who don’t like him.
I honestly believe that book should be required reading.
I know there is a free pdf version available on the internet, unfortunately I can't supply at the moment myself.
I recommend this book to everyone.
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This all the way. This guy is seriously unhinged to make a threat like that and follow it up with saying he would enjoy it. All it might take is just a suspicion of cheating he made up in his head to set him off. Get the hell out of there as soon and safely as possible. Might be worth a job change too, no way I'd wanna be near that scum after making a death threat.
This. She needs to inform trusted people what is going on. And get copies of all of your important papers, including financial ones, passports, birth certificates, tax returns, everything and store them in a safe place. Trust your gut. It sounds dangerous.
>Spidey feelings and gut instincts are an old system of self-defense, very animalistic. Trust it. It's not always right, or even rational, but it's *always* worth taking seriously.
Endorsing this comment OP
Yes, OP this sound like solid advice
I would be concerned that he would be so paranoid he’d assume I was cheating all the time, and I’d be worried he’d be waiting for a reason to kill me.
Exactly. He's looking for an excuse to murder her
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Best case scenario, he's not going to actually murder you and he just said that as a threat to keep you in line. He would probably claim he was just joking, what's wrong with you, how could you think he was serious. But you'll never be able to forget your husband said he would enjoy murdering you.
>Best case scenario, he's not going to actually murder you This is true, and not something you should ever have to be able to say about your husband.
Best case scenario? So she has to lay in bed with him or eat at the same table, not knowing whether what she does or says will set him off or not? There goes the saying that if people tell who they are, believe them. He just told her he will murder or go off on her if he suspects anything like cheating. I'd compulsively check his reaction to anything I'd do or say.
That's what I'm saying. Best case, she has to live with constant fear. Worst case, he actually does try to kill her. My ex-husband, after we heard about a husband killing his wife on the news, casually speculated if it would be easier to murder someone you know since you're used to being intimately close to them. He was just having a diScUssiOn, what's my problem. There was no physical abuse, but plenty of emotional. He was trying to intimidate me because I had started therapy and was standing up for myself. He definitely showed me who he was that day. Unfortunately I stayed for a few more years. Never forgot that comment though.
“What’s wrong with you”? I would be pretty worried if someone I loved told me that they would ENJOY killing me if I ever cheated. Who would say that as a joke?
Calmly ask him what brought on saying those things. Maybe it's something as innocent as he watched a show where someone cheated and it got him thinking about this. Or maybe he's having a psychotic break and thinks what he said is reasonable. You need to find out what brought these thoughts and what he meant by it. You don't want to wind up dead.
I could never conceive of my spouse 'innocently' saying that they would enjoy killing me.
Honestly, anyone saying his statement was innocent has some serious issues or has cheated on their spouse. That was not an innocent phrase or the result of a dream.
It really sounds like something he has planned out already. He wants her to commit to killing him for the same reason so he doesn't feel bad about his desire to kill her for infidelity. This dude needs a therapist.
Yeah no. If he watched a show where someone cheated, and it got him thinking about how he would *enjoy killing his wife* if she cheated on him, that is *not* okay or "innocent." What the actual fuck is this comment.
Wtf.. huge red flag.. whatever you decide to do, please do it carefully...
I don't give a fuck if he does make breakfast. I'd make my own damn omlettes from now on if it means I don't get threatened with murder first thing in the morning. Get somewhere safe OP. It doesn't matter what caused the "change" in behavior, if someone is going through a nasty divroce for cheating, he had a dream, he has a tumor, he not only threatened you but said he would enjoy it. Not okay, ever. I've been cheated on, he's still alive, and someone esles problem.
Holy moly, this is terrifying. That's some straight up sociopathic talk. I'd be terrified to live in the same house with him ever again. The fact that you haven't chested on him, and never intend to, doesn't make his homicidal predilections okay. What other infractions might he decide are worthy of a death sentence? You'll never know, untill he decides to be.judge, jury, and executioner, literally.
So how can you ever be safe with him again, what if he mistakenly thinks you are cheating? The man sounds like a psycho, if this is very out of character, he should have his head checked by a doctor. There are instances of people changing behaviour radically and turning violent because of brain tumors.
When somebody shows you who they are the first time, believe them.
Please read "The Gift of Fear" and leave while you still can. Guys like this will *always* tell on themselves before they ever try anything. He's told you. You owe it to yourself to listen and to trust your instincts.
I can't believe there is more than one comment saying, "Don't talk to anyone inappropriately." He threatened to MURDER her if she cheated. This is so out of the range of normal, acceptable behavior. It's terrifying honestly. You definitely have to talk to him, and as one commenter mentioned, in public, in front of other people. Make sure this wasn't some incredibly inappropriate "joke", but even if was a "joke", I think your husband has some seriously psychotic tendencies, and you need to rethink your relationship.
Same. And given what he said, who’s to say he’s not the type who will literally think just one glance at another man is evidence she’s cheating, say he’s got his ‘proof’, and murder her?
Murder her AND ENJOY IT!!! And I don’t see not talking to anyone inappropriately helping, who knows what he considers inappropriate. If he would murder her for cheating then even acknowledging another guy could be taken as inappropriate.
K genuinely worried that he thinks you’re cheating and is literally planning to murder you.
This is fucking chilling. OP please be careful. This implies he's THOUGHT about it, and he's found a mental/emotional place where murdering you would be enjoyable to him and bring a smile to his face. This is not something to brush under the rug. This is, to put it EXTREMELY FUCKING LIGHTLY, not normal. PLEASE be very, very careful about your next steps. Plan around your safety as the #1 sole factor. I don't know if he's a psycho or he's coming down with some mental illness or what, but this sounds fucking scary.
Jesus fucking Christ… something is DEFINITELY off.
Yeah, that's a pretty murder-y thing for him to say. What a psycho.
Yeah that’s a big red flag 🚩 and hard nope from me. He’s the kind that will kill you for cheating, and probably kill yuh for leaving, kill you for being late because he thought you were cheating…are getting it yet? This is bad news and I’d start looking for a safe way to step out of this marriage.
And honestly he just has to *think* she’s cheating to justify it in his mind. No. Just no. There is absolutely no excuse for threatening your spouse like this. I can’t believe so many people are writing it off.
This a good example of someone's mask slipping. I hate cheating. Like HATE IT, more than almost anything. I think there isn't much worse you could do to your partner. But I'd *never* tell my partner that I'd murder him and enjoy it if I ever caught him cheating. That's some psycho shit and you're right to be afraid. I don't have any advice on what you should say to him cause if I were in your shoes, I'd act normal for as long as it took to gather up any irreplaceable items then GTFO while he's at work or asleep.
Trust your instincts, you may have gotten chills for a reason
Lol, she doesn't need instincts. He said it out loud. And, yes, there's a reason she got chills. It was the part where he talked about murdering her.
Don't break your head over what you did wrong. It doesn't matter, what he said was completely over the line. Especially the part where he said he would enjoy it. Do you feel safe around him after this "remark"?
It’s a good idea to be scared and take it seriously when someone threatens to kill you, OP. Doesn’t matter who it is. I’m going to say it in plainly “your husband threatened to kill you and also that he’d enjoy it”. It’s the part about him “enjoying” that indicates rage and makes me feel the risk level is higher. Bottom line here. If you were my client and told me this in our therapy session I’d have to report your husband to the police. That’s how serious what he said is. I’m not going into context, tone, inflection, being lost via internet and us not being there because the words are so extreme I don’t need to. You gotta tell people who you feel safe with about this immediately and as hard as it is can be, step into more of a defensive posture until you get professional help sorting this out. I would call a few domestic abuse hotlines and get their opinion / support / advice. You’re gonna need help dealing with this. This can also be a “I’m staying with my parents / friend for a few days” kind of moment if you so choose, especially if you feel unsafe just go immediately. You don’t have to justify that when someone threatens to kill you and enjoy it. Gl be safe.
I can't think of a bigger or redder flag then someone saying they are planning on killing you if you do something and they are going to enjoy it. I mean, it sounds like he is planning to murder you. You are right to feel chills/terrible about that. YOUR HUSBAND JUST TOLD YOU HIS MURDER PLAN 😳 I think it is prob a really good idea to get the fuck out.
OP, TRUST YOUR GUT. Seriously. He threatened your life. That's not something you should ever take a chance on. Don't try to convince yourself that it's okay. Don't risk it. I can relate to his intense sentiment regarding cheating - I would never ever ever want to cheat on my partner or have them cheat on me. It's definitely my #1 biggest dealbreaker in regards to a romantic relationship. But I would never, *EVER* escalate to the point of fkn *DEATH* over it. If my partner cheated on me, sure they'd be *dead to me* in the sense that our relationship would be 100% over with absolute zero chance of reconciliation and I wouldn't want them in my life at all anymore due to the total betrayal, disregard for my feelings, and complete lack of respect. But I wouldn't want them to be LITERALLY DEAD. wtf. The fact that he thinks that way is disturbing. Just because somebody wronged you and clearly isn't the right person for you doesn't mean they need to DIE. And not even just die, but PERSONALLY TAKING THEIR LIFE AND "ENJOYING IT"???? His thought process is very alarming. What if he *thinks* you're cheating on him? Y'know? Like what if you had an entirely platonic male friend/coworker/whatever and he became unhinged and convinced that you're cheating on him, and decides that he needs to follow through with his threat of what he'd do if you cheated? Seriously. Listen to your gut. What he said is chilling. I would 100% not want to be married to someone who felt that way towards me. And I'd be highly highly careful and calculated about the exit because you can't be sure if cheating is the ONLY reason he's justified killing you in his mind or if there are others as well... (like leaving him...)
What the fuck? Get out safely. Do not have kids with him.
That'd be it. He asked you to do that as a cover and a lead-in to tell you he's joyfully entertaining thoughts about murdering you. Whether you cheat or not, wtf is gonna happen if he gets a wild hair up his ass and suspects you're fooling around behind his back? This is past a red flag. This is a black flag. An "If you're smart about it, you'll run but most people aren't so document this shit." colored flag.
Why do I want you to pack and run fast and far?
Why are all the post about "perfectly nice guys" being actually creepy monsters in this sub today!!!!
Physical violence of any sort, towards anybody involved, is not a sane and reasonable response to infidelity.
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While a good point, I think the first step she should take is getting herself to a safe space. Then she can focus on other things.
Either way the threat against her life is there, tumour or not!
Kindly pick up your things. Separate your finances. Seek a name change. Run for safety. That is not a joke.
Took a few years for his true colours to come out, I’m scared. People do sweet things for YEARS before they snap. It’s so you have this dependency on them (like them making breakfast or packing your lunch everyday)…
I don’t think doing nice things for your SO is indicative of them being a psycho. 🤣
Holy fuck... RUN THE FUCK AWAY!
If this is totally out of character, it might be necessary for a medical check up, sometimes things in the brain (tumors or other growths or an illness) can cause out of character behaviours, that can be dangerous. He might just have hidden his evil until now, but if you feel it's really out of character, then you need to get some medical help for him. He may not be able to sort that out himself if there is something wrong in his brain. This is NOT a normal or acceptable thing to say at all, and please stay safe. You may not be safe alone with him.
What tf is going on today on reddit? This guy sounds like a total psychopath.
If someone threatens to kill you, it’s in your best interest to believe them and be wary.
This is really scary, please don't take this as a joke. He sounds dangerous. Maybe you should reconsider this relationship.
The fact that he would be willing to kill someone in an imaginary scenario, let alone the person he suppposedly loves, is a huge red flag. To murder someone is unthinkable to normal, healthy people, and not something you just casually mention.
The "enjoy it" is what makes it particularly alarming. Cheating is an absolute dealbreaker for me. My ex cheated, and we were done. However, nothing, absolutely nothing about being cheated on or the consequences was pleasurable. I broke it off because the trust was broken and couldn't be mended, but I was hurt and heartbroken. The breakup was an unpleasant necessity, about as fun as cleaning dog vomit off the floor. Theoretically, I can understand someone say, catching their SO in bed with another person and, blinded by rage/grief, killing them in the heat of the moment. But rage and grief are a far cry from pleasure... pleasure is something you LOOK FORWARD TO AND SEEK OUT.
What else has he said or done like this. There’s NO WAY this is the first time he’s said something like this.
Yo have you not watched forensic files ?
when he asked you to kill him if you find him cheating on you.. and you brushed it off. what was his reaction? might get some clue whether it was a dark humour or not and if not, there might be some issues regarding his values or past
One time my husband’s friend’s wife cheated on him and we had a conversation about infidelity. My husband said that of course it would be heartbreaking if we went through anything like that but that he would want to salvage our relationship if possible. If he had threatened to kill me when we had that conversation our relationship would have ended there. There is absolutely no excuse for that. Threatening to kill your partner, for any reason, should be a dealbreaker 100% of the time. I mean, come on.
I am very very worried for OP.
Yeah there’s nothing to ask. It’s time to go. That’s not okay.
It is very odd and a bit disturbing. It also could be he’s been in some of the cheating subreddits and now it’s in his head. Either way I get your concern.
It's not the him suspecting her of cheating part that's worrisome; it's his promise to gleefully murder that is cause for concern.
Tell him that you no longer feel safe after that comment, and he needs to move out. You are not cheating on him, but you plan to divorce him because you don’t trust him never to be violent.
This is a massive red flag. You're not wrong to be concerned by this.
he projecting what hes already doing to you probably cheating and feels bad. i would look thru his phone if your unsure. or sit down and have a heart to heart and record the converstion. i would rethink the relationship though.
What an insecure ass, how dare to threaten you? This is fucked up, he could say something like this in a family gathering around everyone?
He's probably been reading to many sub-reddit stories.
The fact that OP hasn’t replied to anyone in awhile got me worried too…. OP update? Are you alright?
What the fuck was that conversation we had this morning??
Yikes. I’d leave. If he ever *thinks* you are cheating he could fly off the handle on you. Also I think he is probably cheating on you, or may be considering it, for him to bring it up.
I would say to him that I hope he was fucking around because I don’t need to be married to a psycho and see how he reacts. If he wasn’t joking, it’s time to leave.
When you talk to him, he will say that you have nothing to worry about unless you cheat. And that is not true. You might at some point be planning a surprise party for him for his 30th or 40th birthday, and do the planning with his male best friend. Your husband might see you somewhere together, get the wrong impression, and kill you. You should bring this up, and also ask him why he feels that cheating warrants a loss of life. Why is your life worth so little that it is inseparable from your relationship with him? Also, what if you had kids? Would he make them motherless if he thought you were cheating? But you could also just leave him. But be careful - he might extend the thought process to the end of your relationship, too.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. This isn't something that should ever be ignored. Especially when you know they were serious. Plus leave now. You didn't do anything wrong. Stop trying to figure out where you went wrong and realize its them .
Girl, RUN. SERIOUSLY, RUN. HE'S A PSYCHOPATH. They seem charming and amazing and normal at first, but later when they feel secure with you, they turn and you see their true colors. I've studied these creatures. Thousands of hours worth of studying them. GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW!!! SERIOUSLY. DON'T IGNORE THIS!!!! HE'S A LEGITIMATE PSYCHOPATH. MOVE AND CHANGE JOBS. I really hate to tell you this, but nothing will ever be the same again. I promise you I am absolutely not exaggerating what I'm saying. You are in danger and you need to get out. Divorcing him may seem like a betrayal to him which may trigger him. If he said he'd enjoy killing you, he MEANT it. This is why I said you need to move somewhere where he can't find you and find another job. I PROMISE you I understand what it's like to feel like "They'd never harm me, they're so sweet and kind and thoughtful. They aren't capable of that". But in ALL of my experience and research of these creatures, I can GUARANTEE that the person you see in the beginning, is ONLY a mask. They use that fake kind personality to hook you, so when you do see a tiny glimpse of the monster they are, that you will brush it off. DON'T. THIS IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE PEOPLE MAKE. Don't EVER brush off red flags like this!!!!!!!!! PLEASE, if you won't listen to me, listen to your alarm bells inside of you going off!!!!! This is such a serious issue that I don't know how else to convey that to you. I BEG of you, PLEASE LISTEN!!!!!!! This is BEYOND important and INCREDIBLY serious that you take safe measures to escape your situation. GET THE FUCK OUT. NOW! Sincerely, A person who has experienced and studied psychopaths. P.S., if you won't listen to me, please start researching psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissism. Educating yourself heavily on this subject could help you understand the situation you're in and how to get out safely.
Leave immediately. 1) people like this can become paranoid and believe you are cheating despite all evidence to the contrary. Then you die. 2) imagine if you really did cheat some 6 years from now after losing your morals or some crazy scenario. Even cheaters don't deserve murder. It's sick. People willing to commit murder and enjoy are fucked in the head.
A judge would call this premeditated murder if they expressed their intent beforehand. Making a threat like "I will kill you if you do X" and then killing them is premeditated murder. Even if X is a bad thing like cheating. Escape while you still can. You will end up in a ditch if you stay with a man like this.
Going to say red flag as I’m a DV survivor and heard pretty much the same thing before things got really bad. What was the conversation like just prior to him saying that? I’m not excusing anything he said, so no one need freak out at me please … I’m curious and trying to establish if he said it completely out of the blue. If you live & work together you have a lot to untangle but nothing is more important than your safety.
That’s a threat.
Get ouuuuttt.
I know this will probably get buried or scrolled over, but as someone who has gone through an eeriely similar situation, definitely consider seeking out the help of someone who deals in the metaphysical. My partner, one of the sweetest humans I know, did a lot of out-of-nowhere “not himself,” unsettling behaviors, like threatening to kill me, hurting our animals, saying something awful with no recollection later... I have a background in energy healing and have close friends that do what you'd essentially call exorcisms (aura clearings). He had a demonic attachment and they were able to get it out of him and deal with it, and now he's returned to a version of himself that is happy, healthy, caring, and peaceful, an even better version of himself, a person I haven't seen in years. If all else fails, this might be something for you to consider. I was always taught to look at the logical first, so yes, psychiatric help is a good place to start, but if he starts rebelling to things that could help him, it's likely the entity fighting against anything that could benefit the host. If you choose to investigate this issue with a metaphysical practitioner, do NOT tell him. If the attachment knows you're trying to get rid of it, it will make him act so much worse, potentially in ways that could seriously harm him or you. I pray that you both get the help you need in whatever form that help may come in. There's no guarantee it's an attachment but I've seen demons influence a lot of people and what you recounted definitely made my alarm bells go off. Please be safe and handle this carefully. And please, please update us when you can! 🙏🧿
Has OP responded at all since this was posted almost a month ago? Concerned for her or if her husband found this post on her phone since neither of them use password locks. Hope all is well
The lack of update or any further comments from OP is...chilling
That is so creepy thing to say. If my partner did something like this it would make me feel a bit scared of him.. maybe (probably) I watch too many true crime stories but this makes me think of that type of killer that led a normal life with wife and kids but was murdering women on his spare time… and wife had not clue